#folklore is emotional damage rn

[icezansky]

realizing “my tears ricochet” is absolutely maverick and rooster coded ruined my day

[hydraulic-conductivity]

i’ve been kinda using this blog as a secondary shitposting/aesthetic blog casually. but the true reason it was created was to discuss my mental illnesses and lowkey it was a pro ana blog so i’d like to quickly check in with that since i shifted to tiktok and this is the original secondary blog i had in march 2012 when i was literally crumbling. it is august 2020.

anyways, eating disorder wise i’m pretty ok. i don’t binge eat anymore and if i do it’s not nearly as bad as it has been. i don’t starve but i definitely don’t eat every time i’m hungry immediately until my headache gets so bad i need to or i can’t sleep because i’m in pain. so maybe that’s not healthy but i don’t feel anorexic. because i do eat. but i’m finally at the point where my clothes are all big on me or finally fit and everyone in my life is noticing that i “look skinnier” and that i “lost weight” but i genuinely think i look the same. i made a tiktok of trying on the dress i wore at my ex best friends wedding and it was the only thing that really opened my eyes to how different i look. but in day to day life i do not feel or notice a change. i enjoy working out a lot more i just wish i has was a bit more...able. i have come to terms with feeling it but i do not like using the word “disabled” i suppose but something’s wrong with me for sure and because my sister is literally dying from a (genetic) disease... i’m thinking i should start focusing on treating myself well to have a healthy future because i deserve it.

so because i’ve been tryna start focusing on my health more, i’ve been cigarette and juul free(minus emergency hits here and there but no buying new pods) for a month + and that’s the longest i’ve gone without nicotine since i was 15. i’m 23. it’s a lot. i like being vegan bc morals but i cheat sometimes bc food. i have come to terms with a lot of traumas and mental illness diagnoses that were uncomfortable and that i rejected. i understand myself better. i almost have a 4.0 and i’m finally in a university which is a huge step considering i am technically only (almost) 9 months clean, hella mental illnesses and disabled. im still smoking weed obviously. medically necessary. emotionally and recreationally as well. but i even went on a tolerance break bc i had some court things to settle. jail time/probation/license suspended. misdemeanor. what a scary word. anyways that just happened and i’m a better person now because of it. i was lucky.

i’m just gonna tag everything i’ve been diagnosed w that i can recall rn (lol ptsd too but like idk :) i feel guilty claiming that one even though i think about my rapist every single day) omg fun fact he was coming into my old work before i quit my job because i was hitting emotional rock bottom coming to terms with it :)) the first time i saw him again i was hyperventilating in the bathroom and crying :)) and i watched him leave on camera :) and i was too scared to smoke a cigarette outside after 7 pm for like 2 weeks. anyways.

i’m doing some spiritual work.

also my bff and i just broke up bc of a lot of things but she found out serious stuff about my rapist that changed everything and told me very casually when it was damaging information. then she tried to act like she was assaulted even though what she did was prediscussed, consensual rapeplay. anyways i hate him and i can’t be tied up anymore and anal sex is even scarier. what a fucking piece of shit that was literally the only virginity i had left 😂😩 i listen to bloodmoney by poppy and scream at the sky and i listen to my queen taylor of course folklore rn is saving my whole life i needed it so baddddddddddd. i just try my best. i feel stuck like always but how do i move on from so much shit ?

i have started to control my skin and picking and it rly started to look beautiful but then i relapsed 😂 um also i am not pursuing any romantic relationship anymore since i became his side bitch but also he’s still my dom and it’s casual so yikes one day i’ll need more but for rn we’re doing okay. he moves away the end of this month. the last few people i dated abused me, cheated on me, or didn’t give a fuck about me so i’m lowkey not on a good path picking.

i let myself become infatuated with my ex who had a girlfriend and we talked almost 24/7 until he ghosted next because they moved back in together. it was stupid but i romanticized him s lot and i wanna blame teen love but it’s prob the bpd too. lol.