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what does stimming mean
the word itself is a riff on "stimulation" and the action of stimming is an autism/adhd thing mostly? I believe it's usually like a(n often unorthodox) natural expression/reaction to whatever situation you're in. repetitive body movements me personally. i wiggle in my seat when im really happy or flustered or something because i just dont know how else to let all that out and its gotta go Somewhere
like. sometimes you feel an emotion so much that the reaction bubbles up and overflows into a physical energy, with a common example being flapping hands when youre happy, or clenching your fists really hard when youre overwhelmed by your environment. stims can be bigger things too, like rocking, bouncing, or spinning around.
BUT i think it can also be a stimulation seeking thing too? like being Understimulated so you start scratching at your skin, rubbing a certain kind of fabric, or tapping on a surface. like i said, a common stimming example is rocking. like in your seat, on your feet, or maybe in bed. its Soothing. stimming can give your brain a Sensation it was desperately looking for like that n a person often feels calmer because of it. but i might just be conflating this side of things with something that is more accurately put under a different name.
#one way or another im fairly sure stimming generally comes in the form of an expression or like a self-soothing action.#repetitive and physical things that come as naturally as laughing. your brains way of sorting through big piles of emotion stuff#some of these might be really obvious but i think a lot of stimmy behaviors are more subtle things that people just DO and its not that big#of a deal. you feel me#its just. its not something you Choose to do necessarily. maybe you can channel that energy into a different stim but the river is going to#flow one way or another#she speaks#anon#asks#i get shy about my happy wiggles. especially when im being flirted with and i just. i cant help it. i know it looks silly but its like#impossible to Not to. it would be extremely difficult to try and suppress it and react more normally#if im being honest? i dont think ive really stimmed during sex before. i get overwhelmed during sex really easy and me and brain havent#settled on a way to sort through all those emotions and sensations. i feel like usually a stim Would go there but right now. nothin
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I think I'm going to make a temperature blanket this year
#generally people would plan for this earlier. but. I only JUST thought of it last night#I'm considering like a mood blanket / mental health blanket or whatev instead. one of those alternate concepts#but I FEEL LIKE categorizing my mood / mental health day by day would do something to me#and I don't really want to tell on myself that hard. showing off the finished blanket and ppl going oohh... there's a lot of this color!#what mood are these two colors for!#and i'm gonna have to crumple up my color key chart and eat it before they can find out#idk maybe I'll still try that way. but temperature just feels more like. yeaahahhhhh go with the flow buddy#I bought a ton of yarn recently bc there was a black friday sale and I was grabbin skeins for $2 so I shouldn't really need to do shopping#maybe pick up another color or two. but I can probably just bust out my own stash I already have#sergle.txt#crochetposting
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OC doodle with the 141 - tw: alcohol, small mention of death
Honest Feelings
#had some thoughts#the one with Gaz is basically bcuz Gaz was the first to know who Raven is- or basically his Captain seeing someone#despite how she was supposed to kill Price - Gaz didn't question Price's decision to rescue her from a fatal injury#Gaz has treated her with nothing but respect bcuz if Price cares then he'll care too#uhmm the one with Soap is basically after mw3 thingy I guess#Raven has seen how much Price changed after that incident#has seen the man crumbled while holding Soap's dog tag#another responsibilities that's all too heavy on Price's shoulder#uh for Ghost its just basically mutual disdain due to difference in careers#they both know something the others doesnt and they intend to keep it that way#it's the discomfort of realising someone out there who's seen the same terror as you and taking different approaches in life#this discomfort and disagreement is what ticked both Ghost and Raven off- that's why they're always bickering#in a way they see a bit of themselves in each other and it is quite unnerving to them#but really they're not too far off - and they /know/ - but that is something the both of them are not ready to admit yet#two people bleeding from different knives who refused to acknowledge that blood flowing out are the same angry burning red - or something#idk im not making sense UHM ANYWAYS#i yapped too much UHHH silly doodles will resume after this i promise XD#anyways#gummmyart#doodle#think i'll hit the tags limit here so just gonna put a few#PriceRaven#[oc] Raven
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Imagine if you were a gay or bi man who tried a certain firefighter show because of all the attention it was getting for one of its mains having a later in life bi awakening.....and between seasons you ventured into its fandom in search of material to tide you over til the next one. And you're greeted by a deluge of posts and fics that are just cheerfully homophobic towards one half of the newly out bi character's canon relationship on the basis of 'well he's not the RIGHT gay guy' and pushing the idea that actually its fine to cheat on him because Reasons and he's sexually predacious based on......behind the scenes implications people have divined like they're reading fucking tea leaves.
But don't get it twisted....this fandom, like all fandoms, really cares about representation!
Sorry not sorry, but we really need to kill this idea that fandoms are welcoming and inviting and inherently progressive when they're frequently insular and reductive as fuck. Every single fandom I've been in has had major trends of people doubling down on their own headcanons and fanon interpretations of the characters and willfully enacting trends aimed at running off people who like the 'wrong' characters (usually characters marginalized along one or multiple axes), like the characters in the 'wrong ways' or other bullshit.
Scott is a Bad Friend fics overtaking Teen Wolf fandom was not incidental, it was a FEATURE of the fandom, because the vast majority of that fandom did not want to share its space with anyone who had the nerve to like its main character. Survivors complaining about or criticizing the prevalance of rape fics in a certain fandom has in my experience always led to a reactionary UPTICK in those fics, with gems like 'this character can, will, must be raped' in the tags making it crystal clear that some of these fics exist because how fucking DARE anyone try and push forth a narrative not agreed upon by Fandom Main.
I could cite examples for so many other fandoms, with the commonalities always being that vast majorities in these fandoms are explicitly reacting defensively to being asked to be more mindful of fandom trends revolving around or exacerbating racism, homophobia, transphobia, rape or abuse apologia, ableism, etc....
With the most prolific fucking rallying cry across countless fandoms being "No the fuck we will NOT be doing that," because lolololol.....
Fandom is an inherently progressive space, didn't you hear?
#anyway this has been on my mind in general for a few weeks now#and its more about fandoms just being fandoms#and like....what if they werent though#these patterns migrate from one to another as fans migrate from fandom to fandom bringing their bullshit with them#like do people never get tired of just trying to call DIBS and claim fandoms for themselves while shutting out anyone else#who might have a lot to fucking offer if you werent being so gd intent on staking a claim instead of sharing perspectives#and exploring new possibilities?#and I know not everyone links certain problems with racist homophobic and other behaviors to my own issues with dark fic and rape and#abuse apologia but I do inherently see it as sharing large portions of venn diagrams even though I do not consider being a survivor to be#something that demarcates privilege in the way that axes of identity do#as its situationally based rather than inherently identity based#but the way it can affect and shape large parts of peoples' identities begets commonalities#but my point is just.....a big part of why I so often lump it in is specifically because of how people react to these things or#defend against criticism across the board#like most people know my stance on censorship and how my blood boils when its people who are throwing accusations of#censorship at those raising criticisms....#but the point is just.....think about what censorship actually IS in all practical senses of the word#its about shutting down conversations. limiting the flow of information the sharing of perspectives and experiences#THATS WHAT MAKES IT BAD#now......what about criticism inherently lends itself to any of those things if you DONT accept as a foregone conclusion that criticism#is only ever offered up in bad faith and meant as a silencing tactic#instead of just a request or offered avenue of ways for things to be done better rather than not at all?#who is ACTUALLY out here trying to shut down convos and limit possibilities?#is it really the people being critical of fandom behaviors and trends?#or the ones doubling down at the first hint of any criticism and aggressively ramping up how frequently and visibly they engage in#the criticized behaviors in efforts to drive people away or as a silencing tactic of their own?#just saying
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here's the prick i was talking about^ i have so many thoughts and notes about him but they're mostly incomprehensible so when i organize maybe them i'll post them who knows
#art#oc#id in alt#um ummm#idk. if you have any questions as always feel free to ask#ANYWAYS. geez making him has been so fun i love this asshole so much i'm going to put him through the horrors#salute to you Kordian if you see this if you hadn't shown me stalker i probably wouldn't be running in circles about patches now#more notes. i actually have no idea how magic works in-universe i just thought it would be cool. he's not good at using it he sucks. he's#shocked himself so many times probably. will that stop him? no#he practiced fencing for a few years so he actually like. knows how the fight flows or whatever. i think he definitely picks out targets wh#don't get their bearings quite as well and dances around them and shit like that he just likes to be mean i guess#idk idk. also he joins the lovelies at one point. that's like. semi-canon. it's sorta like with triumphant and normal walenty to me. like#they both exist but the. so to speak. evil one kind of doesn't in a way if you get me. i mostly thought it would be a fun thing to think#about. and also patches would do that and then he'd freak out like what the fuck am i doing and leave#another random thing about his pronouns. well i mostly use he/him for him. that 'any' is more in a way that if you referred to patches as#she or they or it or anything else he wouldn't care#but he usually doesn't mention it and stuff
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Marchil crumbs part 5
Part 1 - Part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 6 - part 7
The anime has come and since I have my shipping goggles on I am going to notice so much. This part will be less spoilery for anime onlys (tho if you want to see me talk about why I ship them and why they’re complementary this is not a good part to start with haha). Edit: After completing this part I can confirm it’s fully anime-onlys friendly and spoiler-free! For manga veterans though there are still some fun tidbits to be found, some recontextualisations and new extra content.
Holy shit guys they’re mirroring each other in the mural and reaching out to each other AND looking towards each other?!!!! Their pose is so striking and like perfectly align?! Which means it was so intentional and the staff wanted to highlight them (for an aesthetic and/or narrative purpose I’m sure but it happened)! I will never let this go we won so fucking hard let’s goooooo we are so back
Character foils!! Dynamic duo!!
Soulmates!!
In the opening at 1:16 he looks at her to see if she’s really going to it as the most critical of monster food & muster up courage to dig into it himself lmao… "Marcille doesn’t look too grossed out, she’s picky so this food must be fine then" Aka treating her as a poison taster/good cuisine judge lmao
Doodle from the animation director (source). I should translate it but I’m procrastinating on it so uh director’s brotp? Anyways they hanging out look at them :]
Laios is thinking to himself there (he’s the one saying the subs), and in the meantime Marcille and Chilchuck talk, likely figuring out the money situation. Strategizing duo back at it again not wasting a second
In the beginning of ep 1, when Marcille is rambling about where they could go to get food and what to grab, Chilchuck listens with a big smile & even closes his eyes as they walk. The implication is that he’s thinking about food, but man the scene hits different now that it’s voiced and I remember that indeed Chilchuck is closing his eyes to her voice and enjoying hearing her talk and ramble. I may be too far gone into the marchil pit
I feel like already they’ve come far from when Chilchuck dreaded being alone with Shuro and Marcille, waiting for the Toudens and Namari to arrive.
Ok this might actually be smth I’m gonna complain about but I feel like blushes have been drawn too vividly so far. Why does Chilchuck look like he’s confessing when he tells her she’s not a burden and he didn’t mean to make her feel that way. It almost comes across as "Woah she cares what I think?" 💀 The banter ensuing is of course also great
Ep 2 was an episode centered on them both that had the "Magic/Traps are my domain, don’t interfere!" parallel… And now with ep 3 we’re back to them being haters together. That’s her emotional support man
In ep 4, it doesn’t show well with a screenshot but when Senshi talks about his unmanned vegetable stand with a treasure chest, while in the manga Marcille and Chilchuck both think the same thing, "That’s why that treasure chest akways had money in it…", but in the anime instead they literally finish each other’s thought. Talk about being on the same wavelength.
Ep 5 is a marchil goldmine actually, it showcases perfectly how much of a package deal they are lol. Always sticking close to each other. Glancing at each other during meals… They literally nod at each other before they try a bite to steel themselves. They exchange a serious thoughtful glance when Laios talks about Falin truly being gone atm. They argue a bit but they go right back to sitting right next to each other after the meal <3 My god I can’t deal with them they are so…… "Hate this bitch, not my friend" 3 secs later "Heyy bestie!!" Also he’s worried he brought her mood down after mentioning Falin. Made a post about ep 5 collecting even more screenshots.
Episode 6 my hero my beloved… Again I made a post about the ep collecting all my screenshots here, and even a clip! But this IS the marchil crumbs masterpost thus I must collect the major ones here as well. First of all, fun staff drawings for the first screening!
I already posted a screenshot from the trailer of when Chil had his head on his knees sitting next to her, but after seeing episode 5 I think it’s a fun and interesting trend to notice that they sit next to each other way unnecessarily close wow. They continue to banter a ton, she continues to be very casual with touch, and they’re really cute! I love just how much Marcille blushed damn- It’s really cute too when you remember with the bicorn chapter that Chilchuck teases Marcille BECAUSE he enjoys getting a rise out of her, flustering her and seeing her reactions. I support the teasing -> laughing because her reaction is over the top all-Chilchuck economy. Also she apologizes for having let him go alone and be gone for so long by helping him with sewing his cowl… Cuties
She looked so happy when he opened up about his age!… And then seemed… Disappointed? When he "truly was just a kid". "So you really are a kid! How boring…" This implies that her intent was to tease him for funsies… Ok lads we reached 30 pics see you next post, I’m gonna cover the "wake up clumsy head" manga-anime differences and we’re gonna go back to our usual spoilers yummy schedule.
Here’s Marcille cosplaying as a succubus in the newest Daydream Hour… She may not be a half-foot or have deep-set eyes but let’s be real I think he’d explode
part 6 here!!
#Dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi anime#marchil#Chilchuck tims#marcille donato#ppl in the server don’t agree with me that the mural mirroring is huge… I am alone on this barren earth#/lh#This is one day after I said I had no more marchil crumbs. Yesterday me was a blind fool#This part is only halfway done I’ll edit in more stuff as we go and I find more crumbs#Bros… Broskis I’m losing my mind#The mural……..#Idk if I wanna go there but this might be my favorite/the biggest marchil crumb. Holy shitttttt#For legal reasons /j disclaimer that yes yes I’m sure the staff’s intent wasn’t shippy like I said#But also I think it kinda undeniably ties them together in some way. Shows a bond either from a meta a narrative or an interpersonal#Standpoint. Their pose align and mirror perfectly but beyond them and Laios & Falin that can’t truly be said with anyone else. WHAT DOES IT#MEAAAN. It’s probably just bc it’s a nice composition 😔 But it happened and that means marchil nation is feasting today#Anyways I like my ship crumbs post to flow nicely from one point to another like a web but for this one i’mma be putting them in the order#That they come at since I don’t have them all on hand from the start
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the thing about barton and his own 'foil' as she should technically be considered, as she is technically the complete opposite of him in every way that matters, is that sumire [ whom i have talked about a few times on here, albeit briefly, so i will give you a brief refresher on her and that is that... her character eventually commits these killings based on the twelve main tarot cards in a deck based on them not fitting her idea of what 'perfect' looks like (kind of like barton BUT much different at the same time) ] and barton used to know each other as they were best friends as kids — even if it was only for a few years.
and as strange as this may sound, a broken promise between them was partially the catalyst behind what started her descent into feeling this need to 'judge' people, which is quite the coincidence as it may seem. because where do most of her victims end up dying? in these settings where she has set up these 'mock trials' for people. so, i know that i said i would talk about how barton had inadvertently created a monster a longgg time ago, but i now am sharing it with you all. because although one cannot blame barton fully for her actions as sumire, of course, has to take responsibility for them herself; but this did play a part in being a catalyst for her feeling all of this resentment and hatred for the world / people around her that led up to her first murder.
which, as you might have it, was the chariot: a tarot card that symbolizes revenge, willpower, and essentially tries to subconsciously put off this message that you are moving in the 'right direction.' i don't think it's so much just the promise itself though that makes this important — it's also that barton himself essentially forgot about the promise he made to sumire, as terrible as that may sound. it actually kind of gives you more insight as to what was going on in barton's mind as a kid because he basically made sumire promise him this: that, if he ever got on the 'wrong path,' that sumire would be there to show him a better one. and that she would attempt to reconnect with him if they ever got separated somehow / give him a sign of some kind that she was still there, so he could meet her.
and i say that this provides more insight because i haven't really gone into depth about this, but barton has expressed this idea in one roleplay on here. + that is that he didn't want to end up like this. however, regardless of that statement, there is no washing away of all of the heinous things he's done and he chose to do them anyway. i'm just thinking about how messed up it is that sumire, up until the point where she started her murders, had casually been searching for barton because the way in which his victims were found was vaguely remiscent of the way that wesley used to kill his victims. + this meant that he was definitely on the wrong path and she would eventually end up on the wrong one too.
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#ooc post.#AHH... nothing like a little silent hill music to get the creative juices flowing y'all / hj JSJSJ no but it is has been surprising helpful#in helping me come up with more details about what the context was behind this promise that barton made to sumire and why-#she was looking for him in the first place / started these murders in the first place for whatever reason (': i guess BC the music does#give off a unique sort of melancholy and making up more aspects of sumire's character makes me feel a bit like that because-#oh my gosh... is it kind of painful to think about someone remembering they made a promise with another as a kid but the other person-#completely forgetting about this promise in all of the darkness that consumed their life. and i'm not trying to be cheesy by saying-#that i just literally have no other way to say it than that barton literally got completely consumed by his blood-thirst / this twisted#urge he possessed in which he wanted to basically exercise his control over other people like wesley had done to his own victims and it's#like it all came full-circle sadly and i say 'sadly' BC even now the last thing that barton wants to be is like his father#but the family resemblance is unfortunately kind of there regardless and sumire's own father was a monster NGL so it's like#OMG. ladies gents and non-binary pals we are not getting out of this one without feeling a lot of complex emotions jsjsj#tw: mentions of murder#tw: mentions of violence#tw: mentions of toxic family dynamics.
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gnaws on priest hector
#priest au#tangled the series#hector tangled#dwell on it a lot lmao the idea of his loyalty being poured into the kingdom in another way - if he werent a knight#the stone's worshiped as much as it's feared (sounds familiar hyukhyuk) it drains the land but there's an ebb and flow#it's semi-sentient at best and he's the emissary#his snark still bubbles up to the surface but he exercises considerably more self-restraint when wanting to mouth off#advises king edmund on how they spiritually guide the people -- use worship as a way to placate growing anxieties about [everything]#edmund might have more political motivations as king but hector's devout - sincere and very focused in his teachings#adira and quirin are his security detail but if they leave his eyes linger on the door like something's missing in more ways than one#his hand reaches for a sword that isnt there -- something something maybe in another life#ill stop 🤡#xanswips
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argh. This comic writing is taking me way longer than usual. I keep editing things and it doesn’t feel right.
#wip#i think I finally got it#The issue is usually plots come to me formed yk#But for this one#I did have a plot but it was more related to Chil having a v bad experience and Mei hearing about it and then him telling her#Not to go thru with her plans to become involved with adventures in a sort of threatening way#So I had that all sketched out and then randomly I decided I wanted more drama#so initially I extended it and had it be that maybe she tried to hug him or something but he reacted Badly bc of his aforementioned shit#But I didn’t like that and it felt jarring and sort of…over dramatic. Too much.#So then I got rid of that. And then I was like well maybe he and Mei should actually have a conversation about it#Like he brings it up#So I wrote that and I had him get really mad at her and let that sit around for a minute bc uh-oh there’s another problem#Seee the issue with doimg multiple rewrites of something is suddenly the part that was initially meant to be the focus. Is not important#Anymore and is actually distracting from the main point#So OK I delete all that and rewrite that to make it less distracting#Still keep the important buildup in that scene but focus on Mei more bc this is a comic that’s from her pov#Ok ok yeah. I like that. But THEN#UH OH NEW PROBLEM. ! Remember that He gets really mad scene? The one I let sit to go worry about the middle section#Well. Haha. I read the whole comic back again to check for flow and shit#Get to the end#WOW ITS OUT OF CHARACTER AND JARRING. He’s not mean or anything I just don’t think he’d yell in that sort of emotional way?#I got so lost in the sauce I forgot to write good#So now I’m stuck. It’s so out of character so obviously I get rid of that problem.#Change it so he does still yell but less and also differently. and also now Mei gets to be pissed tf off#and tied it into several previous comics since I like things to be connected to each other#I think?? I think I’m happy with it now…but Jesus Christ#I don’t usually have to do Any rewrites#And the number of other comics I want to do is piling up so I take breaks to sketch those out for later#Then return. To my undoing.
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hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™
but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.
#if u want the tea my imagination at the time was like i could space out and straight up just be another person POV doing every little#thing as if i were them for hours and the experience would come together without having to even think about it.#different times/places/contexts/conversations etc. forced 2 to to my mom's lil cult meetings for 2 hours twice a week#i would opt to do these imagination exercises instead to rly put myself in a character's perspective. every step‚ stumble‚#riding in a carriage together for the entirety from point A to B etc. WELL i was working on a horror anthology somewhere 18/19#(that had a small local following 🫶🏾) and it its concept was like the Twilight zone but a lot darker. it was called interdimensional#and the main recurring character never actually shows up in the story. they r an omnipresent god of death who exists everywhere but#exists outside of our realm‚ and it picks random people to reveal itself to as a symbol. it can be apparent or just in passing that#the entry's MC sees it in‚ it will appear on something somewhere and once it's brought up it's a cue to the reader that this person#has just been sent to an alternate reality that leads towards their inevitable death. for the character nothing ever changes immediately#but the different starts to creep its way in‚ as does death's approach at its crescendo but the path's i took to get there were 😨#and after enough entries i started to see the symbol irl and hallucinate some other stuff from my stories and it really scared me#and made me stop 🫡 but i think in retrospect i just went too hard on the imagination exercises and wished i tried cultivating it instead#give myself time to settle and get in control.. but alas‚ she has not written seriously since. to this day it still flows out of me if#i just sit down to do it‚ but i don't think I'm at risk of something like that happening again anymore :3 so yeah ♡ i am learning how to#draw and trying not 2 force it bc i want it to b fun as a little journey for me and i look forward to the day i can come back to actively#writing again too 🫶🏾 i miss it but i also want to b able to draw ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა#learn the hard thing first then do the stuff that comes naturally.... i also want to get back into music sometime but clearly i got a lot of#other stuff to work on 💀 i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚#but i have a better healthier with art these days and i know it'll be great to come back to when I'm ready 😌💕#i have been considering getting an acoustic or bass guitar tho 🧐 the beauty of physical instruments.. they're just there ready 2 go..#I've been doing mostly digital the past few years‚ when i was making music. it was also rly hard to when i was w my ex ૮ – ﻌ–ა#that's a whole other rant lol. but ugh digital is like u gotta set it up u gotta make space and then u gotta be in one spot the whole time#i just wanna lay in bed and vibe or something yfm.. walk around maybe idk. do something less structured.#maybe.. hm. hmmm 🧐#I'm going to guitar center lol c ya ✌🏾 getting a bass and amp and maybe a guitar too depending on the price
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are we out (of the woods yet)
You look down.
Well, this explains the pain, you think, eyes darting over a body that you inhabit but do not recognize in the slightest, in colors that you can scarcely remember seeing.
Father is going to kill me. Then, Where am I?
Or: Henry Oak, and being destined for two worlds and when you've only ever walked in one.
ao3
Here’s my fic for day 3: werewolves. Like day 1, this is part of a supernatural au that @kaseyskat and @llumimoon masterminded alongside me, although this one takes place chronologically before day 1's. Hope you like it!
Life is good for you. Great, even! At least, that’s what Father wants you to believe.
Below your feet, the leaves crunch in shades of silver and gold, compounded into tiny bits that fly up around you as you sprint through the dense forest, and life is… as good as it can get, for the time being.
The sky is becoming clearer by the day, more and more pieces of azure heaven made visible by the ever-growing gaps in the canopy, carrying with it relief and distress in equal measure.
The sun lances to alight on pale golden fur, warming you through, unfettered by the leaves as you bound from shadow to shadow, light to light. At the same time, you feel the autumn’s chill on the breeze; though it is not yet cold enough for the grass to don their frost-coats at the gray-gold-blue dawn (scarcely ever is, these past few years), there is a weariness in your bones that belies the winter ahead, aching in joints that have not shifted right in quite some time.
It tugs at the back of your mind, the turn of the seasons, the shifting of moons, the shedding of leaves that regrow with the promise of spring. But there isn’t much you can do about it - not without it getting back to Father in some way or another (it always does, and you have long since learned that this corner of the wood has eyes beyond those of the white birches), and that is the last thing you want - so you growl under her breath, clench your jaw, and run harder, as if the ache is just a muscle you can stretch simply by outrunning it all.
You bank around the trunk of an old, gnarled dogwood and think of winter. They’ll need food stocked up at the Commune, soon.
(Commune, a name that Father has given your number, because Pack is too much too animalistic, too barbaric, too laughably simple for what you are. For your purpose. For your community.)
(You would personally like to tell Father where he can shove his community.)
(Well, most of it.)
The sun will be setting soon, you know, and as you bask in golden hour you dread the encroaching indigo-tinge of twilight that will bring you to Father’s side, ever the obedient daughter. There is not much you can do, though, except to attempt at grasping ephemeral joy in your hungry jowls, to crush the dead growth underfoot until you are expected back within the heart of Commune territory.
<Hen!> a familiar mind-voice calls out to you. <Hey, Hen, over here!>
Well. You suppose that maybe there is something else you can do.
The careless footfalls of your partner approach from behind, and you whirl around.
<Goose,> You sigh, half-exasperated, half-fond. <What in the moon’s name are you doing over here?>
<Could ask you the same question, Hen Ry’,> he chuffs, trotting over to brush against your flank.
<Plus, you always head over to this part of the outskirts when you’re all moody,> he notes, gesturing with his muzzle at your surroundings.
The cliff-wall before you is a massive, towering thing, all craggy rock and silvery moss. You could spend hours following the striations in the stone, nosing at the peaks and valleys, following them to the edge of Father’s influence. You have spent hours doing just that, following the winding currents within the rock, stripes of light and dark that squirm organically like the veins of some giant, petrified creature.
The trees thin out, here, and you glance sidelong at Goose.
<I’m not “all moody”,> You argue rather pointlessly, staring at the ribbons of light-dark in the stone before you.
<Please, babe, you’re always moody. I can smell it from miles away.>
Goose Sy’ is a gangly, wiry thing, with dark fur that looks lit from within in the dappled sunlight. He hunches lazily now, but there is strength and power and quickness beneath his pelt.
<What’s on your mind?> He asks, and you let him touch his nose to your cheek, an affectionate gesture that is a rarer and rarer treasure, these days. <Is the old man on your ass again?>
<When isn’t he?> You respond simply, growling a bit as you kick up more debris.
You sigh. <He keeps asking if I’ve thought about a mate,> you confess, and you scent his agitation and the slightest bit of worry as he turns his golden eyes on yours.
<He’s not, like, suspicious or anything?> Goose asks.
<Moons, no, thank goodness,> You respond, seeing him untense before you. <Could you imagine?>
<I could, actually,> Goose says, his laughter resounding in your brain. <I’d love to see the look on his face when he realizes his perfect paragon pup has been fraternizing with a mangy commoner. You know, before he kills me.>
You nuzzle against his side, let his scent wash over you. You’ll have to roll around in muck and mire for quite awhile to erase it, but as you bury your face into his ruff, you think it’s worth it.
There’s an ache in your heart that matches the ache in your unshifted bones, and you often wonder which came first.
<Killing is against his own rules, and my Father surely wouldn’t debase himself to such levels. It is beneath our glorious, enlightened kind,> You sniff mockingly.
<I dunno, Hen, I think I just might send him over the edge.> He bumps his side to yours, snorting.
Father… has been getting very insistent about settling you down. Perhaps a part of you always knew that pups were the only things he judged you as being good enough for, but your stomach turns at the very principle. You feel trapped, miserable here in his territory, heir to his kingdom of oak and earth. To bring more of yourself into the world, to force them to endure as you have…
You scent a chill on the breeze, and it ruffles your fur, causing a shiver to run down your spine. The ache intensifies, and you can practically feel the creaking of your bones beneath the sinew.
You hear yourself whine before you can stop it, and Goose presses closer to your side.
<Have you thought about Changing?> He asks, mind-voice lowered to the slightest of whispers.
You balk. <Are you insane? Father would actually kill me. Just because you can get away with it doesn’t mean I could just - >
<I know, I know,> Goose says, trying on a soothing tone like an ill-fitting coat. <It’s just that - > he snarls, low and angry, and you flinch.
<Sorry,> He cuts himself off. <But you’re hurting, and it’s his fault. Him and his stupid fucking rules.>
It’s not the sun against your fur that makes you feel warmed through, now.
<I hate him,> Goose tells you.
<I know,> You reply, instead of the me, too that lies just below your speech-thoughts.
<Does it hurt?> You ask him. <The Change, I mean.>
<A little,> He answers. <Well, a lot, at the beginning. But then, the pain goes away a little, I guess. Shrinks. You could try it, you know. I’d take care of you.>
<Absolutely not,> You say. <My Father would have both of our heads, and you know it.>
Your heart says something different, as it always has. You ponder for the briefest moment the concept of running away from it all, of a full-moon sunrise where you awaken in a body that is still yours but also not, side by side with him. You imagine the shift-ache unfurling into a new shape before shrinking dormant below your reformed skin.
You wonder if he would drag you to the treeline outside the nearest town, dress you in human things until you could masquerade among them. If he would teach you how to walk on two legs.
You wonder what he would look like. Instead of brushing against your side, you wonder if he would hold your hand.
Wondering is a pointless thing, though, Father says, and running is cowardice.
Staying feels even moreso, but you know nothing else.
<Well, if you change your mind and wanna stick it to the old mutt, you know where to find me,> Goose’s voice echoes softly between your pointed ears, breaking you from your thoughts.
<Thank you,> You respond, trying to wrangle your mind-voice into something that sounds less morose and forlorn. You fail, judging by the way Goose presses his muzzle against yours.
You wish you could go, just pick up and leave, but there are things that keep you. Mother, for one, though she grows more and more distant by the day, ever colder, like the Autumn she is named for, as Father sinks his claws into you both, bleeding you of your heart and your strength and your freedoms until nothing is left but exhaustion and ache and apathy.
Mother belonged to another Pack, once, you know, even though she has never spoken of it. A real Pack, in name and in function. She has known what it feels like to move between forms, between worlds, transient like the phases of the moon.
You would’ve liked a life like hers, a name like hers, one that feels equal parts human and beast.
Instead, you were named in Commune tradition. The first moons of your life you went nameless, in order for your parents (your Father, mostly) to judge what name would best suit you.
You think of Father’s name: Bear, a towering, massive presence compressed into lupine form that looms over you even when he is not there. Strong, masculine, predatory.
Goose was named this way, too, and the name suits him well - your partner is flighty, a free spirit, but brash and loud and quick to bite and clamor at whatever displeases him.
Even your childhood tormentor, Horse, suits his name. Proud and haughty and ornery and loud in his own right, skittish beneath Father and Mother’s glares.
You do not have to wonder why Father chose Hen for yourself. You are a livestock, a thing to be kept in a wooden cage, with clipped wings incapable of flight, legs unsuited for traveling too far from his reach. Your children and your children’s children will feed the gaping maw of your captor, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Your name chafes at you, scratches at you like brambles upon your hide. Meek and feminine and prey-animal and all the things you are but wish not to be.
<Sun’ll be down soon,> Goose’s mind-voice resounds in your brain, and you startle, cocking your head to dislodge your useless spiraling.
You look around, noting the yellowish light stretching the tree-shadows longer and longer across the ground.
<You’re right,> You agree.
<Lost you for a minute, there,> He says.
Goose doesn’t press for answers, but the flicking of his ears gives away his concern.
<Just thinking,> You respond, glancing at the deepening blues on the horizon.
<You were thinking pretty loudly,> Goose remarks with a light press against your side. <You gotta get back, yeah?>
<Wish I didn’t have to,> You grumble, already turning to the depths of Commune territory, pawing forward even as you think it.
<Offer’s always open,> Goose replies. <Full moon’s only a week away.>
The pain within you seems to increase at the reminder.
<I know. Thanks. Don’t forget to get rid of the scent.>
<I know!> Goose exclaims as your paths begin to diverge - his, to his home on the far reaches, yours, to whatever Father has awaiting you tonight. <Thanks. See you soon?>
<Soon,> You agree, and hope you can make good on that promise.
“Hello?”
The first thing you register as you awaken is that your body hurts.
Bone-deep, marrow-deep, cell-deep, all over. It feels like your limbs have scrambled themselves, ground themselves to dust, and then attempted to piece themselves back together from the rubble. It is as if every muscle fiber within you has been stretched past breaking point, as if every nerve ending fell prey to one thousand claws, one thousand fangs.
Your very soul yowls in pain, and it is only because your teeth feel so wrong and foreign in your own jaw, because your vocal cords scrubbed raw, that you do not vocalize it beyond a shaking rasp.
The second thing you register is a presence right in front of you.
You open your eyes, and the third thing you register is dazzling, dizzying, scintillating color.
Your hands (hands?) scrabble at the rough earth in a vain attempt to ground yourself as you look around half-dazed and hurting, and the soft, uncalloused flesh of your palms smarts and stings against jagged bits of debris.
You look down.
Well, this explains the pain, you think, eyes darting over a body that you inhabit but do not recognize in the slightest, in colors that you can scarcely remember seeing.
Father is going to kill me. Then, Where am I?
You don’t recognize this part of the woods - the scents of the Commune are all but nonexistent, and the area around you is well-trod, devoid of grass, human odors lingering and overlapping.
A human hiking trail?
You blink rapidly, taking in the fuzzy dawn light and its myriad of hues.
Mother had taught you about colors, once, when you were a very young pup and the world was still bright with more than shades of yellow and cerulean and she was not yet as poisoned by oppressive bear-weight of cynicism.
She had told you their names, even, though you struggle to remember them.
You test them out, now, forming their mouth-shapes with a slow clacking of newly-blunted teeth.
Green, the color of moss and grasses and foliage at the height of solstice.
Orange and her deeper sister red, the colors of the fallen leaves underfoot, the colors of the sky as evening starts its slow descent toward dusk.
The coveralls that the human woman before you wears are purple, you think, a flower-color, a dusk-color, a dawn-color. A spring-color, a beginning-color.
“H-ello,” you attempt, your voice creaking and throat constricting at the novelty of speaking aloud.
“Hello, again,” the woman responds, slowly and frowning, but… not unkindly, you think.
You inhale, and her scent is tinged with something sparkling and warm and cold all at once. Magic-smell, you realize. There is worry there, as well - not for her own safety, but for yours.
There is not even the tracest amount of falsehood to her - her demeanor, her expression (though, that, admittedly, is mostly guesswork), her scent.
It’s a novel concept.
You cannot remember that last time anyone had had honest intentions with you (apart from Mother and maybe Goose), let alone went as far to show genuine concern over you.
It takes you aback, strikes you nearly as harshly as… whatever it was that has left you feeling so crippled.
“My name is Mercedes,” the woman says, gently, softly, as if speaking to a wounded prey animal.
The comparison is… not without merit.
“What can I call you?” She asks.
Smart, this woman is. Or incredibly stupid. To lend her own name like that knowing full well the risks is either an intense show of trust and compassion, or…
There is a glint in her eye, you notice, and the magic-scent sharpens.
Well… best to repay a kindness with a kindness.
“Hen,” you croak, trying to get the shape of your name to form on your clumsy, human tongue. “Ry’Oak.”
“Well, Henry,” the woman (Mercedes!) says, and you splutter at the way that she slurs the first two syllables together rather than the last.
“Are you okay?”
Moons above, no, you are not.
Your body hurts like it never has before, and your eyes sear with a kaleidoscope of hues you haven’t seen since you were a young pup, and the way this witch has butchered your name might be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard.
Henry, you mouth to yourself, running it together. It sounds rather plain, achingly human. Father would hate it.
You quite like it.
“I think… I will be,” you tell Mercedes.
“Good,” she says, extending a hand. “Now, let’s get you cleaned up.”
#this au has LAYERS i tell you. layers!!!#anyway. shoutout to nyx for the idea of barry having a cult of fucked-up werewolves that believe that their wolf forms are superior#surely. henry will not have several complexes as a result of this. and chronic pain#but hey! mercedes!!! it's not all bad :)#ANYWAY. thank y'all for being so nicies on the last one. hope this one makes sense!#dndads#fic#happi scribbles#dndads halloween week 2023#bat and wolf#also. i know this one is ANOTHER 2nd person pov but i swear it's the last one. probably. it just flows better this way. trust 😌#okay i THINK. this is all the tagging i need to do
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gonna be a hater in tags real quick
#i need to get this off my fuckin chest its haunted me for ages but for some reason rn its bad#i fucking HATE when ppl act like la’s koholin island and ph’s world of the ocean king are/work the same#HATE IT. also hate ppl treating oshus n the wind fish as the same character bc i think its fucking lazy n uncreative n unimaginative#and makes the loz world feel so much smaller. but like. why do ppl act like the world of the ocean king is another dream world#bc its fucking no??? no one in that place is a dream construct i hate ppl acting like linebeck isnt a ‘real person’ just a former dream#construct if they think hes from that world bc its not a fucking dream world its a real ass world at no point is it suggested that its a#dream world just that link n tetra are simultaneously dreaming in their own world that doesnt make oshuss world fake or w/e#its just a different parallel world or some shit where time flows different relative to the great sea go watch the ending dialogue#literally nothing in the game suggests that its in any way like how koholint works besides it being an ocean place#i feel like i see these ideas in l////u shit a lot (ESP ppl acting like linebeck is the same thing as marin) and it feels like. do ppl in#l////u just not look into the games too hard do they not double check canon material or do they just accept shit parroted around#bc its way too consistent for me to think its just some headcanon thing and it PISSES me rhe fuck off if im being real#the oshus/wind fish thing is annoying as fuck already but i DESPISE ppl acting like oshus’ world is a dream its so fucking annoying#whatever ph is harder to play like look up gameplay then. do some research. its not the same fucking thing#ok yeah do hcs sure but i really dont get the vibe that its just some headcanon i feel like ppl just dont know theyre not the fucking same#its not like koholint its more like fucking lorule if anything. god fucking dammit i hate that im so wound up by this shit#whatever. i do wish ao3 let you mute wholeass tags like with authors so i dont have to see l///u shit ever
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The Eras Tour really is just incredible, 10/10, it’s a tour that will go down in history
#I already knew this from the streams but after seeing the eras tour movie it really drove it home for me#it’s just really such an amazing show#the setlist is SO well chosen from one song to another the flow of it everything#visually the show is also stunning there’s so much to see and yet it’s never distracting#and it’s also quite simple at the same time which leads me to my next point#Taylor has the absolute command of that huge stage in such an incredible way#wether she’s accompanied by dancer stage props etc or if it’s just her there#and also the outfits looked soooo incredible even the ones I didn’t love on the streams/gifs/photos (mainly the rep bodysuit and kind of the#lover ones) like they just looked soooo good and the perfect choice#the eras tour#the eras tour movie#taylor swift
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unfortunately i am thinking about haze dogs again. nothing concrete. just vague shapes. connor in the iron dog mask. the dogs themselves stalking the town. that party scene that eludes me. connor drunkenly falling into the fountain pool.
#been thinking about what i want my writing to feel like since how it tickles my brain has always been what i enjoy the most#there is nothing like the flow of a paragraph into another paragraph into dialogue into another paragraph#a lot of my editing process is about making sure everything flows smoothly and it's one of the puzzles i enjoy the most while writing#but yeah i've been thinking about the stories i love#especially fresh of actually communicating my feelings on the girl from the other side i'm looking at. simplicity#about things like the team ico games and how ueda “designs by subtraction” and the way that shapes the atmosphere of his games#nothing captures me more than the unexplained#actually doing good by my blog description. raised in a context of magical realism 🙏#normalised oddities. big empty spaces that feel as if they have been hollowed out. the unexplained intentions of a creature#a lot of stress comes in when a story gets away from him and i spiral into complexities that muddy everything up#i cannot stress the pages upon pages of me problem solving things probably no one will wonder about#so i like the idea of design by subtraction. i wonder how i can put that into a book#pia.txt#( wip ) haze dogs
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Heating pad with freshly boiled water broke on me.. 0/10 - do not recommend 🥴
#bonus: it had to happen on heavy flow day 1/3#babe handled it like a champ. he cooled it immediately. he'll go buy me another one before the shops close today too.#luckily the burn doesn't seem to be that bad. fingers crossed it stays that way
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10,000 words ( : ౦ ‸ ౦ : )?? thats sm im so excited for when u release it!! (๑>•̀๑)
i hope u have a good day ur writing is so good !!
You have a good day too! And thank you so much!!
#I’m thinking I’ll replan and rewrite little bits of the plot to make it flow a little better (a problem with the origina)#and then release the original version in another fic and put them all in a series#that way#we have the updated version and the old one#WAGH&!!!/!))/):!:!:&&
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