#flashback: downhill dash

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Forspoken Photo Dump 118: Visoria; Inner Visoria, Part 7

[nova--michael]

How the My Little Pony Fandom ruined my mental health (long rant(/essay?))

TW: sexual themes, gore, trauma, self harm, suicidality

I will go in-depth in alot of sensitive topics, please proceed with caution

I got into My Little Pony when Season 2 aired. In 2011, I was 7 at the time, 2nd grade. English isn't my first language, I didn't even know other languages were a thing. That is until I got access to the internet. We had a family computer that I used basically daily. I mostly drew on MSPaint and played Animal Jam. I was a happy little girl at the time. Eventually, I discovered YouTube. Which became my new obsession. I consumed content like an addict. And eventually, I stumbled upon My Little Pony, where people uploaded whole episodes. The first episode I watched was "Fall Weather Friends", S1 E13. I was hooked instantly. Bright colorful Ponies! It reminded me of the Fillys I collected. So I consumed more. Was able to find a playlist with all episodes in order. The only thing is, they were in English, which I didn't understand. But I didn't care. I wanted my magical colorful ponies! So I watched it and had an overwhelmingly fun time. It was "Bridle Gossip" S1 E9 where the language just...clicked for me. I can't explain it, but it felt like I suddenly could understand almost every word and my English knowledge expanded from there. Which was a yay for me, because now I could watch my colorful Pony cartoon and actually understand what they were saying. It gave me a big heads up when we started learning English a year later in 3rd grade. I never learned English in that class, knowledge wise I already knew what I needed and was very far ahead of everyone. All thanks to My Little Pony.

But I think it is also the start of when everything went downhill for me.

I explicitly remember holding paper in front of the screen to trace the Mane 6's outfits from the episode "Suited for Success" S1 E14 with a pencil. The show made me really get into art. I drew My Little Pony left and right, and it eventually led me to DeviantArt, which I still have fond memories of. I found out that people made original characters. So I did so too. One of my first ever character was "Starshine" which I still love dearly and sketch when I'm bored. But this also led me down the Brony Fandom rabbit hole. Once I realized people made their own My Little Pony content it was over. I literally obsessed over fan content. I consumed everything that the Fandom could offer. And when I mean everything, I mean Everything.

I don't know what the first gore or nsfw content I consumed, I really do not remember. But it was ultimately this content that shaped me or....better say traumatized me that still affects me to this day.

Just like many people in the Fandom, I found out what "Cupcakes" is. A creepy, gore fanfiction that was about Pinkie Pie dismembering Rainbow Dash and turning her into Cupcakes. One of the many fan content I consumed but I remember this being one of the first experiences I had with gore. I watched the original video from ocarinaplaya. I was, I had no idea what gore was. But it was MLP, so I watched it. And this was the first straw that altered my brain. It was like a car crash, i couldn't look away. The way Pinkie tortured and cut up Rainbow Dash. And I consumed more. Smile HD, Cupcakes SFM, My Little Paradox, Pony.MOV, Lil Miss Rarity, My Little Amnesia, Elements of Insanity (that I still unironically love to this day), and so much more. You name it, I watched it. Things like Elements of Insanity and Cupcakes SFM all led me down the SFM rabbit hole. SFM = Source Filmmaker. When I see SFM models of the MLP characters now, I swear I get flashbacks. Because through SFM I found sensual MLP content. Of course, not all of SFM was sexual or gore. Some masterpieces like Doors, Fluttershys Dream, The Walk, Remembrance, Nightmare Night, all are so good.

But of course with SFM came very...sensual MLP content. Ponies kissing or Making out or even going as far as almost having sex. And something changed in my brain. I started to...actively search out these videos. Rarijack, TwiDash - Hearts and Hooves Day, Appledash, those freaking Fart and Vore videos. I watched it all. I don't know what I felt at the time, I don't remember or more so I don't want to remember. All I know is that I started to seek them out. Like actively searching for it. Which also led me to non sfm sensual content. Twilight Sparkle Pantsu, Friendship is Benefits, Concerning Pegasi, Fluttershy gets BEEPBEEPED in the Maze and infamous Banned from Equestria.

Remember I was a child. 9-10 at the time. And 99% of these videos didn't have any warnings. Nothing. And even if they had a warning 80% of those were joke warnings.

I consumed alot of My Little Pony porn and gore in my childhood. Unrestricted Internet access traumatized me to no end.

It was Banned from Equestria which had changed a lot for me. Because I found out that it was a game. An actual game you could play. And I sought it out. I played a lot of Pony games too, especially the ones on the very old Hasbro website. But Banned from Equestria was almost too easy to find. I found it on a website mainly for bad porn games. And it had a category that was purely for My Little Pony. I just went to search for it. I only needed to type "mlp porn games" and it was instantly there. 2 clicks is all that it took. Yes, the website is still up sadly. That website led me down another awful rabbit hole of My Little Pony porn games. Again, I was 10, I had no idea what porn was. Or sex. But it was this (and a separate event that happened in my family) that taught me what it was. And again, I searched for those things actively. And played those games religiously. By 10 years old I was a freaking porn addict. Not even gore (which I developed PTSD from), but Porn was the thing that caught my attention. I also learned what masturbation was thanks to that. And I did just that. I masturbated almost on the daily. Found my Mom's toys, stole them, and used them. Now, masturbation isn't a bad thing by any means. It's good to explore your body and what makes you feel good but I was just an innocent kid...

My parents never found out. My Mom eventually caught on I stole her toys but never did anything against it. Nor did she educate me. She let me do my thing. So I basically masturbated daily, sometimes more than once. What being horny was, was something I didn't even know. I only knew I wanted to do this because is saw my colorful ponies do it.

But these porn games made me spiral. I lost so much of my childhood innocence through this. I spend most of my childhood and early teen years (I started puberty when I was 9) by watching porn, playing porn, and the occasional gore. It has twisted what sex even was for me. The whole concept was ruined for me. To this day.

Throughout the next years, I learned more about porn, and went through many different rabbit holes. My Little Pony Porn, actual porn, Furry Porn, it didn't matter. If it was Porn, I consumed it.

I would also blame this addiction was the reason I became/am hypersexual.

And now, over 10 years later, what changed?

Nothing. I have grown so disgusted by Sex, it's why I'm AroAceflux now. I know. Hypersexuality and AroAce? Pick a struggle. But I'm serious. I consume a lot of Porn to this day. Masturbation had died down but it still happens occasionally. The people I follow on Patreon mainly do nsfw content. Hell, I was on Nsfw-twt a few years ago too.

Porn has ruined my whole mental state. It's scientifically proven that subjecting children to porn and gore at an early age can severely damage their development and I think I'm no exception.

My mental health has been very bad since 2016. I started to cut myself frequently and get suicidal. I still carry scars to this day and I do blame a lot on this addiction. I've been self-harm clean for about 3 years now. I was severely suicidal again in 2021 where I almost killed myself has it not been a friend calling the cops i still struggle with being suicidal to this day though, despite having finished therapy.

I also struggled with a lot of identity stuff at the time. I have it figured out now and am openly out as a trans man by a lot of people in my life. And I have an amazing support system now. But I never really had the opportunity to talk about THIS. How the My Little Pony Fandom ruined my mental health due to the content that was created, without any content warnings. I say I also developed my PTSD from this.

Obviously not just that, it was a lot of trauma family and school-wise wise that made me develop PTSD but I also will blame these types of MLP content for this as well.

Now, I love the Brony fandom. I still do. So many people I have met who are in this Fandom are so incredibly nice, but the awful stuff just stands out even more. This was an innocent kids show about colorful ponies and the magic of friendship. Many children with unrestricted internet access watched it. And watched this type of content. The Fandom should have been a lot more critical about the type of content that they post

I know I'm not the only person that was subjected to gore and porn. Many children from 2010-2017 were traumatized by this type of content. And I wouldn't be surprised if many also developed mental disorders because of it, whether it be Depression, PTSD, Hypersexuality, etc. Many of the young fans are scarred

And we still are

And we are still trying to heal as young adults

Hell, I'm turning 20 very soon, and I still struggle so hard with my mental health and the scars I got in my early childhood and early teen years.

I should've spend those years so much differently

But I didn't and know I'm left to pick up the pieces.

I hope this shines some light on the cruel side of the Brony community, I recommend Raymundo2112's video "The SINS of Bronies", it goes also in-depth about the psychological effects of children being subjected to porn and gore

Please be careful what children consume on the internet.

Now

I apologize for this length, I just wanted to talk about it

I'm open to any questions that may come up, and I'm sorry for my irl people who see this

Thank you for reading, it means alot

[edvinssmedvin]

Choking Part 5

Read more here: 1 2 3 4

Summary: the party leaves to go explore and it all goes downhill. Starts with Eddies POV and ends with Steve.

CW: Panic attacks, Description of blood and flashbacks.

Eddie mindlessly clicked the remote, watching the TV flick through various colors. Half listening to what Dustin and Mike were talking about as they sat on the other bed beside him.

About every five minutes he’d glance at the man next to him napping, Steve, making sure he was still asleep. He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest as he mumbled, quietly talking in his sleep.

Eddie checked his watch, about 5 hours till the show. He looked to Dustin and Mike and whispered, careful not to wake Steve, “If the others are awake maybe we can go out for a little–” he didn’t even get his whole sentence out before they jumped off the bed and went into the other room to grab the others.

Eddie rubbed a hand over his face, sighing.

He slipped out from under the covers and made his way to the bathroom to change.

“We’re waiting on you Eddie!” Dustin knocked on the door impatiently. Eddie could hear the hesitation in his voice in his next question “Is Steve coming with us?” Eddie rubbed his eyes.

“No, he’s not, he’s tired.” He said. “And keep your voice down Henderson, Jesus.” whisper-yelling through the door as he answered.

He opened the door and Dustin gave him a sympathetic look. “Can you just talk to him? Maybe he needs to talk to you,” The younger titled his head.

Shocked that Dustin could read that much into it, he responded as cool as he could be. “Stay out of it, Butthead” see? He could be cool. He went to slip past Dustin and grab his bag  “Where is everyone else?” He took note of the empty room where only he and Dustin stood. Leaving Steve in the room, where he was asleep.

“If you give me a speech about talking to Steve, I will blow my brains out,” Eddie mimicked an explosion with his hands.

Dustin put his hands on his hips and narrowed his eyes, very Steve-like.  “Fine, Fine. Everyone outside waiting.”

“See?,” He said, giving Dustin a smirk.  “Was that so hard?”

Dustin pushed him away. “Whatever,” he grabbed his shoes. “You should probably leave a note for Steve or something.”

“Right, good thinking Henderson” he made finger guns and pretended to shoot Dustin as he walked out of the room to research for pen and paper.

Steve woke up with a start, jolting his body into an upright position. He gasped for air as he tried to calm his racing heartbeat. Steve looked around the room, the empty room. He scrambled out of bed, falling and getting caught in the blanket as it wrapped around his feet. He jumped back up and stalked over to the other kid's room, checking that and confirming it was also empty. The TV playing some random show as he walked back over to the bedside table in his room.

Steve blinked and picked up a note on the table. He squints to read it better but with no luck, he turns on the lamp beside the bed in hopes to see clearer writing. His eyes welled up with tears once more as he realized they had gone out for a bit without him, leaving him alone. He knew that he wouldn’t want to go out but he didn’t want to be left alone in an empty hotel room, by himself in the stark white room.

And almost like that, the room shifted. The once roomy walls warped as they close in on him, the fluorescent light that was almost not enough was blinding, and the high ceiling felt like it was falling in on him. He backed up, stumbling but dashing to the bathroom, hoping to find solace in the quiet. Curling into a ball on the floor, letting out a sob so powerful it hurt.

Everything felt wrong, and he began to cry. He felt like he was suffocating and he couldn’t do anything about it. He choked on his tears as he sucked in sharp breaths, his body begging him to breathe.

He can feel the vine slip around his neck, suffocating him. He knew logically that it wasn’t, that his thoughts were tricking him but In that moment all he could think was how much air he was getting. His breath was unsteady as the black slips around the edges.

No, no, no.

It’s not real, he tried to reason with the panic crowding him but he couldn’t just think about anything other than red skies and the overwhelming metallic stench of blood.

Steve looked up as his vision blurred with tears and saw someone standing in the doorway, was it a Demogorgon? No, no more. Was it Vecna? Steve kinda wished it was the Demogorgon if that was the case. That would hurt less, he thought distantly. Steve couldn’t help but let out a whimper as he curled into himself more, protecting himself from whatever was coming. He should’ve gotten ready to fight but he couldn’t move, he was frozen on the spot. Steve couldn’t tell what was in his brain or real life. 

A hand touched his shoulder and he was prepared for a sharp pain but it never came. Curious, he peaked out of the ball he was in, tears and snot still covering his face, he saw Eddie crouching down and looking at him with concern in his eyes.

And he couldn’t help but let out another sob as his eyes met the other.

Authors note: sorry for the delay, haven’t been feeling great and so posts might be a little slow

Next part —>

[dnpanimationstudioclone]

Sidney Poindexter/ Episode Rewrite 👓

          I know the ep, Splitting Images(Sidney’s debut ep), has been criticized for criticizing Danny for using his powers to play pranks to get back at Dash for bullying him and making Sidney look hypocritical, there’s a tv tropes YMMV about it. So I decided to rewrite that scenario and Sidney a bit. Warning, the story’s a bit dark.

     When Danny gets his locker, he meets Sid sooner thanks to his ghost powers and they have a friendly introduction. Tucker and Sam already told him the gist of the story(urban legend) before like in canon and Sidney reveals from his perspective how like him, used to be bullied, so much to the point he just couldn't take it anymore and now as a ghost, uses his powers to try to help other students out against bullies like Dash so no one else has to go through the same pain he was in but sadly isn’t that all that powerful(or so he believes), Danny sympathizes and relates with him on his backstory(being bullied) and wanting get back at jerks, and when Sid realizes just how strong Danny is, proposes they team up to defend the school from jerks likes Dash and so they do.

      They use their powers against the school bullies, mostly Dash but isn’t meant to be seen as a bully for it, just harmless pranks…at first. During all this, they hang out, sharing some fun from both their times and over all becoming good friends(like trying each other’s times respective drinks, music, talking about space + sci fi, talking, and partying at a 50′s style diner, etc). Then Sid begins to suggest more mean spirited and dangerous pranks(like pushing them down a flight of stairs, using their biggest insecurities and fears, etc), even when(mostly Dash) aren’t being jerks at the moment which leads to Danny becoming concerned if they’re taking things too far.

     Sam and Tucker address the concern they have for this. Sam doesn’t put it against Danny for wanting to get back at Dash but concerned that things are getting out of hand, especially since he’s using his ghost side which they’re not sure how much control he has of them as well as how they may affect him psychologically. At first Tucker supports him but when the pranks get messier, agrees with Sam. Danny, still frustrated with Dash’s treatment of him as well being influenced by Sid doesn’t listen.

     Sidney comes up their biggest plan yet, to sabotage a big football game to humiliate Dash, ruining not just his hit, but reputation as Mr. Popular. At first Danny is game, if a bit unsure, until he sees Dash having a breakdown, a moment of genuine vulnerability about his future, upset that he’s mostly valued as being the best player by both the school and his family, aware if he screws things up, it will all go downhill for him. Danny comes to feel for him, realizing just how much Dash could lose for this as well as understand a bit of why Dash is such a jerk and realizes they need to stop and tries to call off the plan.

    But Sidney ain’t backing down and they have a huge fight, during it, he transforms into a powerful and monstrous version of himself(loosing his glasses which get broke in the process) being pushed to new limits making him change. And during the fight, Dash comes in trying to save Danny who’s in his phantom mode, who along with the other students and staff after the game, heard the fighting and came to see what’s as going on. Sid has Danny and Dash at his mercy and vents about all the pain he’s had to endure and doesn’t understand why he shouldn’t get revenge and hurt people like Dash when they did nothing but that to him. And just before he could give them a finishing blow-

 he sees his locker, and the mirror…

    Reflecting from it, the literal monster he became in his pursuit of revenge, becoming the very thing he despised the most and snaps back into is senses, into his original form, everyone around them staring at him in fear(this is meant to show a flashback parallel of how he felt when he got bullied and how he saw his tormentors as, monsters) and realizes what he almost just did(almost killing a kid and the only friend he’s ever had). Before Danny or anyone else could do anything, he runs back into his mirror into the ghost zone in guilt and fear, not being sucked back in like most ghosts are. Everyone, especially Danny and Dash are left shaken.

     The episode ends a few days after the attack, with the trio and the rest of the school talking about what happened. Danny sees Dash and asks if he’s alright from the prior events, Dash surprisingly thanks him and they have a brief awkward but nice moment where they come to understand the other better before walking away. Kwan or someone else in Dash’s group says something mean about Danny with Dash telling them “Idk he’s not so bad, he deserves a break. He sure gave me one”. This leads to Dash to have eventual character development into being a better person as well beginning to see the connection with him and Phantom but isn’t 100% sure.

      As they have that talk, Danny’s at Sidney’s locker where its been remade as a memorial for Sidney Pointdexter(Danny actually suggested it and Sam, Tucker and Mr.Lancer supported that), a picture of Sid, flowers and the mirror inside kept in it where Danny places the glasses that Sid lost during the fight, fixed up to the best he can. As Danny walks away, a flash comes in the mirror, of Sid.

The End.

Moral of the story: Revenge and over all giving into negative feelings can be a dangerous path. A moral not just Danny and Sid learned but Dash as well, coming to see he shouldn’t take his issues out on people, realizing just how much it can make bigger problems, not just for him.

     Another thing I wanna change is Mr Lancer. I prefer him to be a jerk with a heart of gold type, him to be a stern guy but cares. He genuinely tries to help Danny and keep jerks like Dash reigned in, Dash isn’t able to get away with as much but being the school’s best player and having maybe parents that help the school or just really important, the school tends to let things slide which frustrates Lancer. With that said, he also wants to help Dash, seeing he has issues he needs to work out.

What do u think? I’d like to know💖

[cooloddball]

This is going to be a super long analysis of jib3 starting with the opening ceremony to the closing ceremony so brace yourselves. 

Please note I believe in the breakup theory so maybe my opinion in this one might be biased so please don’t come for me, lol.

I will put it under the cut to avoid overcrowding your dashes with cockles shenanigans. 

Also, watch out for profanities and mature language.

And so it begins...

Opening ceremony

The camera used to record the opening ceremony is shaky. 

Misha, Jason Manns, and Jarpad seem to be having a lot of fun together and Jensen is just looking at his besties talking to the man he loves and he knows he can’t have that so he just stands there looking at them. Poor guy.

Jarpad asks who took Misha’s riffle? Things are awkward, I honestly don’t know what’s going on.

Misha kisses a plushie while making eye contact with Jensen and Jensen is like “oh, oh, wow” while making eye contact with Misha. LOL. Jack help me. This is a lot!!!

Jensen takes a plushie from Sebastian and Jared takes the one Misha had.

Are you guys flirting about trying to see whether you can keep plushies alive?

Misha throws something at the fans, I think he was throwing treats from earlier or whatever it was and Jensen says “Misha is still throwing” I mean why?

Cockles Panel

Jensen is so extra in this panel.

First of all, when he and Misha come out (no pun intended) a song starts playing and he starts dancing. Jensen is usually so poised while dancing but he is over the top throwing his back and shaking his tush for the mish.  I think he was trying a little too hard. Misha spares his ex-boyfriend’s tush a glance smiles and looks away. LOL. The whole thing was cringey, tbh. It was so unlike Jensen.

When Sebastian touches Jensen’s shoulder and says something to Jensen, he [Jensen]  laughs way too hard. I would say he laughs abnormally-it’s loud and he throws his whole body into it like he’s trying to prove what Sebastian was funny and it probably wasn’t. He laughs so hard he ends up right on Misha’s side. and Misha laughs at that though.

Rich says something about something in the sac that hurts(It’s incoherent) and Jensen says it hurts right here pointing at his heart (I can’t hear what they are saying exactly so if anyone knows please let me know)

I don’t know if Mark P. was going to hug Jensen or not or he was pointing at something behind Jensen, but at that moment, Jensen sees Sebastian going to hug Misha and whips his head away from Mark P’s direction so fast he almost broke his neck.

Sebastian humps Misha (these two are so playful I love them) and Jensen is just there acting awkward 

There’s a comment by Rich about “It’s over, the convention’s over I’m no longer your bitch” I don’t know who this is about.

Now, now, now. This whole time Rich is doing a kissy mouth with his fingers on the monitor behind Jensen and Misha. His hand is right where Misha is standing (you’ll understand once you watch it) so Jensen makes a kissy face back and Misha is blushing? Ummm wtf is going on here?

Jensen also does something strange that he never does during cockles panels he pulls his seat away from Misha.

Misha makes a very weird comment about Sebastian’s libido drying up and they have a weird conversation about libido and Viagra ads. It’s weird.

It gets even more awkward Jensen talks about bringing a total stranger, and a blind date. And it goes downhill from there with them. The it wasn’t you it was me speech. It was special. So heartbreaking. It was clearly not about the show but about their relationship. I always have a difficult time getting through that part. It’s so awkward that the fans are just there wondering what the hell is going on.

They decide to take questions and the fan is all over the place so Misha interjects but Jensen won’t let Misha say what he wants to say so he says, “This is why you make it awkward. You never let people finish what they are saying.” Ouch. Domestic dispute vibes anyone?

The way Jensen is looking up at Misha when he’s answering that question. It’s like he wants to sear his face into his memory before they leave Rome.

Jensen is explaining to a fan how one of the four sound stages they had on set was full of furniture and Misha adds “and soiled mattresses”  I mean what was the reason? Did they soil the mattresses with their [redacted]

A fan mentions something about Dean and Cas so these two adorable dorks smile and share a look. Things are starting to look up. Thank Jack.

The fan says something again (I can’t make out what he’s saying) but it must be something nice because they look at each other with smiles on their faces again.

Jensen playing with the head of his microphone. Is it just me or did the temperature rise a notch higher?

The way they look at each other when the fan says to help him choose the hottest female cast member on the show 

Then something freaky happens they say the exact same thing as twins or bffs do sometimes. LOL.

When they start talking about the hot women with the fans Misha moves his entire body and now instead of looking at the fans, he is seated facing Jensen.  The tension is simmering down.

A point to note is that in all their panels they always sit angled facing each other as opposed to facing the crowd save for this panel and DCCON 2019. But for DCCON I can understand that they weren’t comfortable being meant to be a J/2 panel and a creation event. So you know some people in that crowd are super mean to Mish and others to Jensen, so they had to tread carefully. But I digress back to the chaos.

They ask who wants to have a cockles panel the next year and they both raise their hands. I thought that was sweet

 It’s adorable how Jensen keeps repeating everything Misha is saying.

Misha forgets himself and moves too close to Jensen to listen to the song on the phone. Jensen turns to look at Misha, I don’t know what that look is but Misha backs away laughing.

Jensen’s face journey while listening to that song is gold.

Misha moves closer to listen to the song.  I have to say the way they are standing is not usually how two bros listening to music usually stand. If you know what I mean

 Misha agrees that’s definitely Jensen singing. Of course, he knows because Mr. “Jensen sings to me all the time”

He looks so proud of him.  I’d venture to say he’s happy to hear Jensen sing because he has always been so shy about that fact about himself. He even gives him a standing ovation. That’s so adorable. He loves him. My heart.

Jensen is so cute trying to deny it’s not him singing that song.  Yeah, it’s you, Jensen. Even your ex agrees it’s you and we bet he knows how your voice sounds in all kinds of situations ;)

we get a tingly feeling so we know it’s you. Jensen’s adorable smile when Misha says that. Aww.

The way they are not even looking at each other but they are seated the exact same way.

Allow me to explain to my friend here. Explains how his parents didn’t know whether he was a boy or a girl. Misha with the steel chair, “when did they figure out that you were a boy?”

How many years did they call you holly?

For six to seven years

Is it just me or is this conversation a flashback of teenage twink-lesbian Jensen years?

Fan asks whether Dean will ever forgive Cas. Watch Misha’s body language, he is trying to pacify himself by rubbing the back of his neck and fumbling with his shirt.

When Jensen says “ No!” without a moment’s hesitation, Misha looks distraught? I don’t know maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel like this hit too close to home being that they were most likely broken up.

Misha however has a different opinion, “I think he has” 

Jensen says, “Wishful thinking” and that elicits a smile from Misha.

A fan asks about Dean giving Cas the trenchcoat back and things get interesting.  Weirdly, that Jensen can’t say the word gay out loud. He literally uses the word “unmanly” in its stead in the guise of censorship? It’s not a bad word Jensen you can say it. However, Misha and the fans say the word so I’m wondering who is censoring Jensen’s use of that word. He eventually says it but super fast.

Jensen says that saying “I always knew you would come back” is not something he would say to another human being, especially a man. Jesus, there’s nothing wrong with saying that to another human being you care about. He’s the one making it gay. He was extra when answering that one.

They spent one and half hours making that scene just to end up not saying anything and it ended up looking gay anyway. Anyway, that’s interesting.

 Jensen angles his body towards Mish and says in a very low soft and sexy voice “I guess I really hoped that you would come back some day” I would venture to say that Jensen at the moment in the panel was actually saying them to Misha. Who knows though?

They talk about it a whole lot for something that bothered him that much. 

Misha being so excited about recreating a scene when a fan told Jarpad he’s amazing and Jarpad said "you are welcome. 

 “I think I understand what she wants. I’m not sure what she’s gonna get.” This is a very good line Misha. I will be using it often.

The way they awkwardly stand too close and whisper to each other. Umm…what is going on here?

Jensen folds over laughing because of something Misha says. They are back. The tension is almost 90% gone now and they are in their element.

The chaos of recording the alarm ringtone for the fan was just great to watch. They kept getting closer and closer and I think they might have shared spit at that point. Gross….LOL

The way Misha is sitting is he you know.

Jensen asking Misha whether he was saying anything or just screaming while they were recording. I think he just wanted to see Misha smile.

Jensen’s joy when a fan mentions that they have Misha’s résumé.

Jensen saying the word shit made my day. I curse a  lot and it made me feel validated somehow.

Misha calls him dickhead in return and Jensen stops functioning and laughs instead . He also gets all hot and bothered trying to fumble with the lapel of his shirt.  He does this a lot when he is turned on. He has a humiliation kink I think.

They start talking over each other about Misha’s special skills. Looks like Jensen might have known beforehand because he went straight for that. Or maybe he didn’t know but he knew since Misha is a mad genius there must be some amazing things in there. Either way, it was a good moment.

OMG Jensen is so excited and the way he motions to Misha to bring that résumé to him, LOL. This man was thirsty AF.

He even goes down from the stage to meet Misha and invades his personal space trying to reach the résumé. I think this is the moment the tension between them dissipated completely and they were back to some form of normalcy.

Misha holding Jensen’s shoulder trying to get his résumé back. Unsucessfully, I should add.

They read something funny and they fold over laughing and spin around like overjoyed seals. It is far removed from the mollusk family but at least it’s still a sea creature (I don’t know what I’m saying please don’t mind me)

Jensen is still on his knees laughing and can’t get up. As I said, he is being too extra in this panel.

 Misha is trying to talk but they both can’t stop laughing. I think Jensen laughed so hard he got an extra set of abs that day.

Jensen is still laughing and you know what he is laughing at? Misha’s special skills being acting on camera. I mean it’s funny but man, prayforjensen.

 They are still laughing. Jack, help them.

The way Jensen looks at Misha with pure adoration here makes me so happy and reminds me of the fictional characters they played being all heart eyes for each other.

 Misha laughed so hard he cried.

Jensen trying to read the next ‘special skill’ Misha has but he can’t even talk because of how funny he thinks it is. He’s trying so hard not to laugh but he can’t help himself.

Jensen agreeing and also asking the audience to agree that Misha has a knack for certain accents. Accent kink anyone?

 Jensen is so excited when Misha starts Tibetan throating singing and does the unicorn laugh facing away from the crowd. Bet he has experienced Misha’s Tibetan throat singing skills on a personal when they are (loud overhead helicopter noises followed by thunder rumbling)

Jensen falling to the ground after feigning a heart attack once he saw that Misha is a certified EMT. I mentioned before that I honestly, 100% think he wanted mouth to mouth. There’s no other explanation. He could’ve feigned a nose bleed or just about any other illness but he chose to fall on a dirty floor and lay down so Misha could either give him the breath of life or straddle him. Luckily for him his dream came true 7 years later at Jib9 when straddle gate happened. But I digress

Too bad Misha was still mad at him and heartbroken so he kicked him instead.

Jensen knowing that Misha kayaks seems to be part of his personal knowledge. Maybe they did it together sometimes.

Horseback riding. Hmm is it just me or do they seem awkward here?

 Misha is so close to Jensen’s armpits. Must be missing his man’s musk and being held in those muscular arms again. Poor baby.

Misha can’t talk because of how funny he finds bicycle touring. I mean…I don’t see what’s funny but I guess he knows why it’s funny.

Misha laughing and raises his legs because Jensen is elaborating on the bicycle touring. Maybe it’s an inside joke or maybe it’s no longer funny to me because I’ve watched this panel like 5 times.

 I think Jensen’s goal was to see Misha laugh and be happy because he turned to look at Misha who was still laughing hard and the joy on Jensen’s face. Aww.

Misha gravitating towards his man again. He must smell really nice Misha. And those arms. Bet he used to lift you against the wall and (this fucking thunder won’t stop rambling. Are chuck and Amara fighting again?)

Jensen marketing his man’s carpentry skills but then makes sure to make it ‘no homo’ by saying he would never sit on anything Misha has built. Sure Jan. Then he circles back and says that he knows that he can build things.

Misha walks away from him and he looks up to make sure where he is going. Maybe he was afraid Misha was walking out on him. (PTSD from their breakup?)

They mention acting on camera again.

And laugh 

Jensen keeps talking about the acting on camera and watches to see if Misha is still laughing  He still is and Jensen is happy that his baby is happy. He looks at him again and he is still happy that Misha is still happy. Then once the laughter dies down he starts talking about bicycle touring  and checks again to see if Misha is laughing which he is so Jensen throws his head back  unicorn laughing and then looks at Misha again to see that he’s still laughing. Then they look at each other and say something maybe it’s about that was a good laugh. Jensen is wiping tears from his eyes because of how hard he laughed  Misha does the same. That entire thing was insane and they seemed to love it.

 Jensen starts saying that being this happy or goofing around is how they are on set sometimes and have to take a 5-10 minute break and Misha doesn’t seem too happy at the mention of the set. 

Jensen knowing that you can buy résumés on eBay. Did he buy Misha’s and then plant someone in the audience to bring it up or? Okay, yeah I know I’m reaching here but it’s probable.

 I guess my theory wasn’t farfetched because Jensen says that he’s pretty sure that Jarpad put it on eBay the previous night so maybe he is the one who did all that to win Misha back?

Jensen knows the appellation clogging is a stretch. Seems like Misha has told him about it before.

Jensen looking at his watch to see if they have time for  Misha to be telling a story about his high school sweetheart and now wife. I bet he wishes Misha could tell their love story so openly. He can’t stop looking at Misha.

The way Jensen is looking at Misha here. WTF man? He’s literally confused about what the question is.

The personal space question. This whole thing was just so many things. It was awkward, cringey, thirsty, funny.

when the fan asks whether there’s a funny fact between Jensen and Misha. I almost fainted. What? And Jensen repeats it. The two men are so stoic. They are not even looking at each other. They are looking at the fan like the way a statue stares at you, unmoving. Cringe.

The room is so quiet. Poor girl, I hope she didn’t feel awkward afterwards because if it were me, I would’ve cried from how stoic they looked and how quiet everyone was.

How they both scratch themselves, Misha on the head and Jensen on the nose. Maybe the question hit too close to home

Jensen turns to look at Misha as if to say ’help me out here man. We don’t wanna disappoint our fans.”

Misha gets it because he gets up. This whole thing is gold.

The way Jensen breathes out in anticipation. I know it was like they were playing a skit about personal space but why was he breathing like that? Shouldn’t he have been playing it as ‘uncomfortable’ not ‘turned on.’ Boudoir mannerisms.

Moving on Misha is unsure on where to touch Jensen 40.31. This is weird in and of itself because usually, they don’t have a problem touching each other’s faces, tush, eggplants, (jib4 anyone), backs et cetera. But now it’s weird? *cough* breakup *cough*

Misha touches Jensen’s ear and Jensen literally moans. He frigging moans people. In case it is not clear in the video, here is an isolated audio version of it. Jensen is also fumbling with his shirt like he’s all hot and bothered. Just like Misha did earlier. Was Jib3 their couple’s therapy that reminded them how happy and horny they made each other?

Jensen is really not answering the question, to be honest. He’s fumbling for words and trying so very hard to make sense but his word are  incoherent.

Misha going in for the nose dip. I know friends do this all the time but you have to be very close and familiar with someone such as a friend friend or a sibling for you to poke a finger in their nose. I mean noses are slimy and eww��anyway. That happened. They seem so comfortable with it. Jensen I love you but please stop talking.

The way Jensen looks at Misha. He has the cutest smile on his face as if saying thank you for making that fun and making me horny, I still want you.

Misha wiping his pinky that touched Jensen’s nose on his pants. (I wanted to add something disgusting about what heshould’ve done with that pinky but I won’t so let’s move on)

Jensen wiggling his nose.

When Misha suggests that Spn moves to Nickolodeon. Jensen laughs a bit too hard.

Misha talking about spn being a puppet show reminds me of how he mentioned them having a puppet show in Jensen’s backyard after the show is over.

Jensen also saying that in a way spn is a puppet show. I mean is someone making snide comments about how their strings get pulled and sometimes they are not happy about it. Like how they fired his boyfriend. It seems like it’s an inside joke.

They named the plushie Zippy aww :))

For jack’s sake guys, the way they look at each other when they mention that the  résumé was the highlight of the panel.

Jensen saying the more dirt you dig up on Misha, the more rewarded you are. Aww, someone’s trying to win his man back by any means necessary. You go girl…I mean Jensen.

He talks more about how he’s looking forward to next year when fans have more dirt on his friend Misha. Jensen didn’t want to leave the stage, he was lingering so he could spend more time with Misha.

It’s over guys.

Closing Ceremony

I know you didn’t ask for the closing ceremony but here you go. It’s a free gift.

Can I just mention how Jarpad is an overactive puppy? He has to play with anything and everything he finds.

The mc announces Misha twice for some reason. The second time Jensen looks in Misha’s direction with a small smile on his face. He [Jensen] is also chewing vigorously.

Jensen and Jarpad being typical dude bros and karate chop Rich. This is why the difference between his relationship with Jarpad and Misha stands out. He would be too busy making heart eyes to Misha to kick another guy. LoL.

Jensen hulking out when Jarpad is taking a video of everyone. Lol. This video keeps reiterating my point that his relationship with the two men is just different.

Jensen keeps looking in Misha’s direction, Misha who is busy talking to Steve and having fun. Let me also mention Steve is Jensen’s bestie and so are Jarpad and Misha, but I’m sure that Jensen felt some type of way, jealous when they were having so much fun with his man and he couldn’t. Jarpad also takes a while filming Misha for Jensen of course. They remind me of me having a crush back when I was in school. Wait, did Misha look at Jensen? It’s hard to see because the angle of the video is not expansive but I guess he was.

As soon as Jarpad gets back, Jensen takes the camera from him and starts filming fans. I’m sure he just wanted Misha to look at him

Rich mention’s Misha and something about acting on camera and Jensen licks his lips looking at Misha (I think).

Jensen then vigorously grabs the microphone from someone immediately and mention’s Misha. Jarpad’s reaction at that moment tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on between Jensen and Misha. It looks like he is pleading with Jensen in his head saying, “Don’t embarrass yourself bro. Please don’t” but it’s too late.

Jensen again talks about Misha’s résumé and specifically about acting on camera, the thing that made Misha laugh out loud during their panel. Someone’s smitten. Defending his ex-man.

Jarpad goes to whisper something to Misha. And they laugh while Jensen is thanking the jib staff for doing an amazing job. But when he sees the duo laughing, he loses track of thought and says “and they are all getting married”  dude what ??? How do you go from thanking people who worked on the convention and in .1 seconds you are talking about they are all getting married? Who is? Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? No one gets it, he says he’s kidding and gives Jarpad the microphone, spares a glance at Misha and he seems distraught from that moment on. I wish I could see Misha’s face through all this.

He’s glancing in Misha’s direction again. Man’s got it bad. What?! Oh to be loved by Jensen Ackles. Misha must be a prize, I know he is a mad genius and gorgeous and sexy as hell with that golden skin that looks like it was dipped in gold and honey, big blue eyes that are bluer than the bluest blue, but Jensen wtf man? You are in public.

 I think Jarpad is telling Jensen something maybe it has to do with what he and Misha were talking about earlier?

And it’s over people.

Overall, I agree with the breakup theory. I mean the way these two were acting around each other was very strange. If you watch Misha and Jarpad, they seem okay from the opening ceremony up till the end but Jensen and Misha are just being weird.

The panel was mostly fun but their body language told a story that something was definitely going on between them. 

@littlewolf2703

[abbystanaccount]

I don't understand how you think Abby and Owen are good for each other???

Omg my first ask like this 🤪

I just wanna first be like... unapologetic for the content on this blog, I made it them same times as my other accounts and for most of the time on those accounts I keep it generic and not overly shippy because although I came out of the game really liking Abby and Owen as a couple, a quick look around told me many disagreed with me. Like Abby fans were scarce and Owen fans were scarcer. So in the first months, and even mostly now I just kept all those types of posts and fics and extra art on here. And when I did make shipping posts I'd never put it in the Abby tag, I try to be careful with spamming, even now I try to space out my asks because I don't want to annoy people on their dash.

I know I got more followers from daily posting my photomodes and art and this became less of a rambling blog, but I think it'd be pretty clear that there's Owen content on this blog. He's always at least been in my header and like every 4th post on here (tagged btw) so if you're a really big Owen anti and can't stand him maybe this isn't the blog for you.

Anyway to your question... While they're in a relationship, I think they are good for each other. They have a strong bond, and each know what the other has gone through, and tries to be accommodating at least to their limit. Jerry dying obviously traumatized Abby a lot and changed her personality and motivations, but Owen still tries to stick by her, cheer her up. He does hit his limit at the end though. The aquarium flashback pretty much shows this, there's moments of levity but she's torn between a more happy life with Owen and training for her revenge.

Even still during the Christmas flashback when they've broken up because she chose to keep pursuing Joel, here you can still see how much care about and still love each other. Even though they've been apart for a bit, they slip right back into the banter and the teasing, even when there's parts I see some parts people get mad about like when Owen says "I think you can go fuck yourself" Abby literally laughs at that like she does all his jokes, she isn't hurt by it. He wants her to slow down, enjoy the view, he's definitely a bit soft for this world, but he's also meant to be Abby's voice of reason. Which of course she doesn't listen to.

Obviously, things went kinda downhill after that, Abby needed therapy and to not go after Joel, Owen needed to not string along Mel when he wasn't really feeling it, and well Jackson and Seattle was a mess........... And well obviously what could have happened after Day 3 doesn't really matter because Owen dies lol. But yeah idk if that answers it but whatever, I liked their dynamic together

[tomeandflickcorner]

12 and 23 for OUAT?

Thanks, Nony!

12) Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Well, I’ve seen a few people saying they didn’t like the Frozen arc, stating that was when the show started going downhill and began relying on the hot new Disney thing instead of something creative. While I can see where they’re coming from, I did enjoy that arc. Besides, it gave us Ingrid, who was a great Big Bad with a decent redemption. And it allowed Emma to form a healthy friendship with Elsa. Which was a plus as Emma deserved more friends like her.

23) Unpopular character you love?

I gotta go with Milah. While I don’t fault people for disliking her on account of how she handled things with her son, I feel it was understandable given what her life was like. From what I saw in the flashbacks, she was a severely depressed woman trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who practically signed away her reproductive rights without giving her a say in the matter. Of course she would choose to run away with the dashing and handsome man who swept her off her feet and offered her a life of adventure. As for the issue with Boy Baelfire? She clearly deeply regretted how she handled that. All she wanted to do was to get the chance to apologize to him for it. That was her unfinished business that kept her trapped in the Underworld. The fact that she was denied that chance still angers me to this day.

[caltropspress]

FEEDBACK LOOP #1: Armand Hammer’s “Flavor Flav”

What are the Black purposes of space travel?

—Amiri Baraka, “Technology & Ethos”

Black futurism is a temporally troubled matrix Black futurism is a temporally troubled matrix that thrives on opposites and oppositions, flowing lines and nonlinearity, conflict resolution and asymmetrical warfare. It prefers the mad dash on shifting sands while in pursuit of higher ground and safe havens.

—Greg Tate, “Kalahari Hopscotch, or Notes Toward a 20 Volume History of Black Science and Afrofuturism”

Welcome aboard our spaceship, it’s so nice to have you here. —Newcleus, “Space is the Place”

Who, constructing the house of himself or herself, not for a day but      for all times, sees races, eras, dates, generations, The past, the future, dwelling there, like space, inseparable together. —Walt Whitman

I’m so tired of being forced to promote the myth of white supremacy by performing works by old white men like Whitman who said blacks...didn’t have a place in the future of America. —Timothy McNair

Today is the shadow of tomorrow, today is the future present of yesterday, yesterday is the shadow of today. —Sun Ra, “Secrets of the Sun”

This highly allusive track from billy woods and ELUCID toys with itself—that is, allusions are a figurative means of collapsing time in and of themselves. Past and present history & culture don’t contend so much as support one another. A set of stilts to do the Dance of Death on, if you will. “Start downhill running.” The Seventh Seal hilltop silhouette danse macabre steez, though. The whooshing, metal-creaking beat—with all its haunted psithurism charm—is the backdrop for this sleeper Shrines track.

The name “Flavor Flav” is used metonymically here to mean time. This isn’t a braggadocio, low-key threat in the spirit of OC’s “Time’s Up.” This isn’t a Grandmaster Flashian “You Know What Time It Is” (though the hands on the clock tower do spin clockwise and counter-). Neither is this a Kool Moe Dee-esque rhetorical “Do You Know What Time It Is?” Armand Hammer are frustrated by time, by the “ideals and dreams that don’t work.” woods laments his “time machine [that] don’t go backwards.” This no-good lemon of a H.G. Wells contraption he’s steering. This isn’t some Christopher Lloyd-cum-El-Producto Delorean. There’s no Great Scotting going on, just stubbornness.

Progress isn’t made. Time stagnates. Like the “list of ill-fated quick licks under ’frigerator magnets.” And that “school trip permission slip”—likely a bus ride to a museum: a carefully curated collection of artifacts, most notable for its colonial muscling. The question remains: What is left out? What is excluded? What is ignored, discarded, or co-opted so as to not withstand the test of time? woods’ short-i assonance speeds the delivery up only to slow it down:

list | ill | quick | licks | ’frig | nets | trip | mis | slip | lick | split | skin | spliff

billy woods, son of a revolutionary, redefines Afrofuturism (re-re-re-defines—its brilliance is in how it remakes itself unconditionally). Afrofuturism becomes about birthing the next generation of Black revolutionaries, so he subverts the line and expectations when “big hand captured” refers to the clock, but “little man [not hand] chasin’” refers to a youngin. (Try to keep up.) Put the faith in the youth when our “ideals and dreams” stall out—when the days, months, years are fleeting and forceful (“It do tick faster / The hour coming rough”). The spliff that’s “[skinned] like an onion” turns the cypher into Perrault fairy tale “pumpkin,” Cinderella style.

“Don’t come ’round with that ‘Go slow’” is in conversation with Nina Simone’s “Mississippi Goddam,” of course. It’s Nina who said “[she] can’t stand the pressure much longer,” who objected to those who “keep on saying ‘Go slow,” who had her band ironically chanting Do it slow. billy woods, like Nina Simone, decries reformism, incrementalism. Don’t do things gradually. We’re at the point where Nina stands up from her piano bench and shouts That’s it!

Forego the telephoto lenses, he insists, this is the “Battle of Algiers with the GoPro.” Urban guerrilla warfare uploaded and disseminated via YouTube. Again, time collapses. The struggle to decolonize continues. Watch for the This video is no longer available dead-end.

billy woods’ Nietzschean “loathing and fear” reverses the hallucinogenic time-warp of Thompson’s (and, in filmic relation, Gilliam’s) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. “History is hard to know,” Thompson writes, “because of all the hired bullshit, but even without being sure of ‘history’ it seems entirely reasonable to think that every now and then the energy of a whole generation comes to a head in a long fine flash.” That flash will reappear in ELUCID’s verse.

If “all roads lead to Rome,” we’re settling into the inevitability of our moves. It’s a fatalistic shrug, but homophonically, all roads lead to roam—that is, the journey is prolonged interminably. It’s nomadic. Much static. So, naturally, you’re going to “[shake] the hourglass like a snowglobe,” distort time, and splurge on the “JC Penny Timex,” which is appropriately “flooded with rhinestones.” Flooded, because no more water: the fire next time. Don’t “lose track” and don’t “get trapped in the future.”

The chorus quotes the Rolling Stones’ “Time is On My Side,” but it ain’t that simple, no. The history is as messy as we’ve come to expect amerikan music to be. “Time is On My Side” was originally penned by Norman Meade (Jerry Ragovoy), and trombonist Kai Winding first recorded it. Jimmy Norman, a Black songwriter, fleshed out the lyrics significantly, and Irma Thomas recorded that version in the same year as the Stones. The song followed a path similar to that of “Strange Fruit”—a composition written by a white Jewish man under a pseudonym (Abel Meeropol as Lewis Allan) but popularized by a Black female jazz singer (Billie Holiday). As author Jess Row has said about jazz—hip-hop applies, too—it is “by its very nature multi-racial, intermingled, and collaborative across color lines.” But this cognizance must always be contextualized with views of Black artists like that of Art Blakey: “the only way the Caucasian musician can swing is from a rope.” Hip-hop has always had its Paul Cs and Rick Rubins, but the racial heterogeneity of a genre, or even a single recording, can’t cloak the power dynamics still in play. The Stones’ version of “Time is On My Side”—undoubtedly the most popular version—is a rip-off of Irma Thomas’ version. Mick Jagger even jacks Thomas’ ad-libs, which is to say, her rawness and spontaneity. Even the band’s shadowed faces on the cover of 12 x 5, the album on which the track appears, suggest the racial problematics, the minstrelsy heist. Armand Hammer mock the British Invasion blues filchers by adding “they” to the chorus line: “They said time is on my side.” They being white institutions (especially within music publishing, production, and recording industries) who promised enough airtime for everyone. They who urged patience. (Go slow!) But, as history shows, the profits only lined certain pockets.

ELUCID begins at the “golden hour,” which is both the photogenic beauty of the sky after sunrise and before sunset—a beauty too good to behold. It’s the sun glare shining in your face on the winter commute from work. It’s your high-speed accident and then the golden hour is the paramedics and doctors trying to salvage your corporeal existence. ELUCID’s verse is a hypnagogic jerk, gasping for breath as he takes a “portal to Orangeburg, ’68.” It’s a reference to the campus shooting of young people in protest—South Carolina State University. Unlike Kent State, which came afterwards, Orangeburg didn’t get the attention keening white women in Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs do, despite “live ammunition,” three dead, 28 injured, and “nine acquitted assassins.” Unnoticed. Black invisibility. Not that H.G. Wells type of invisibility—the Ralph Ellison kind.

We’re told what this is: it’s the aggregate stress (“the load of the allostatic”) of Black life. It’s one’s personal Extinction Agenda, the “post-traumatic” of the gunfire “flashes” that double as flashbacks. The pain, stress, the brain that can’t rest, the pressure on the chest.

“The center won’t hold” lets us know this isn’t all PTSD reverie—it’s a rebel poem: surely some revolution is at hand. ELUCID channels Achebe channeling Yeats. Things might fall apart but not without struggle. The “Flavor Flav clock spins centrifugal,” as a gyre, as an apocalyptic (91…) voice. Turning and returning. The words have an air of insurrection, proclamation.

He misses “watching how a flat circle fold”—it won’t budge, won’t wrinkle. We’ve been here before: on “Hunter,” on Paraffin, when billy woods was on that “time is a flat circle” shit. That Nietzsche eternal recurrence shit:

What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain…will return to you. […] The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!

“Can you find the level of difficulty in this?” suggests game playing, arcades. Calls to mind more Walter Benjamin’s Arcades, though. billy woods and ELUCID are gleaners and magpies of cultural cadavers in Benjamin’s way. Their bars are play and critique both. We’re left with a modicum of optimism at the song’s end. Even “only [moving] the pen six inches” is something, is struggle. The “pale faces beyond the fire” are ever-present, though. The “flinching, panic, [and] confusion” are committed to continue.

Is it the fool or the insurgent who thinks time is on their side? We want the life we live to be “more brilliant than a sunbeam.” That’s to say, we don’t want to wait for the golden hour or the golden years. We want what they say we can’t have. We want what they say we shouldn’t imagine. But Armand Hammer helps us take solace in the “drum skin stretched”—the rhythm, the rebel. The oft-quoted Douglass gem, If there is no struggle, there is no progress, is played out for a reason. The reason is because it needs to be played again, and again. Like a mantra, like a song.

Images:

Sun Ra’s Space is the Place (screenshot) | Flavor Flav (detail), courtesy of archivist Sean Stewart | Grandmaster Flash “You Know What Time It Is” music video (screenshot) | Kool Moe Dee “Do You Know What Time It Is?” single cover | Nina Simone live at Antibes Juan-les-Pins Jazz Festival 1965 (screenshot) | The Battle of Algiers (screenshot) | The Rolling Stones 12 x 5 album cover | Flavor Flav, courtesy of Stewart

[chongoblog]

Hey I know that you all see me as the Grand Authority on Movie Opinions in that I am correct and can never be wrong and also my opinion on things is NEVER unsolicited because I’m literally the most important person on the internet and you CRAVE my opinions.

So I saw Shazam last night and I’m gonna talk about it under this readmore because I dunno how long it’s gonna be and I respect y’all’s dashes like that (plus if y’all don’t care abt what I thought then you can keep scrolling). There will be spoilers but I will clearly mark them.

So I’ve been thinking to myself on whether or not Shazam was the best DCEU movie. All things considered, it didn’t have too high of a bar to leap over, seeing how Wonder Woman, which was originally my favorite, had a lot of incredible moments, but was bogged down by a few of the scenes around those moments and a frankly terrible final act. And if I were to put it into numbers, (which people seem to love) I’d put Wonder Woman at about 50% INCREDIBLE 20% ehhhh and 30% GOD WHY, plus add a few bonus points for being so inspiring within its social context as a female-led superhero movie that isn’t terrible, sexualized or both. Shazam, on the other hand, doesn’t get those bonus points of social context, but has about a 60% Pretty Good and 40% ehhhh with one small bonus point for having one scene that personally hit me pretty hard that I’ll talk about later. It doesn’t reach any of the LOWS that any other film in the DCEU had, but at the same time, it didn’t really hit any of the highs either.

Something that’s worth addressing is that as someone who likes to partake in any and all drama because I’m a gremlin who loves seeing complaining, I saw plenty of DC fans complain that this movie was falling into a sort of trap set up saying “ITS ONLY BEING LIGHTHEARTED BECAUSE IT THINKS THAT IT HAS TO BE MORE LIKE MARVEL AND THATS WHY MORE PEOPLE LIKE IT” and I do want to address that because it’s a stupid argument. While Shazam is a departure from the DCEU’s more serious tone thus far, it’s not a black and white deal. DC isn’t strictly defined by being “the more serious Marvel” or vice versa. Being lighthearted did help Shazam out, not BECAUSE it was more like a Marvel movie, but because unlike movies like Batman v Superman, it didn’t try (and fail) to tackle more complex themes and down to earth schemes that made it lose focus and become an enormous mess. That being said, Shazam’s schemes and themes were much simpler, and it made for a much SMALLER mess if/when it did lose focus.

Before I dive into the spoilers, I’ll give my two cents on the film as a whole. Like I mentioned, the light-hearted tone did help out the movie, and it took itself a little less seriously with things while still balancing out some emotion in the story, and the whole theme behind it, while not PERFECTLY drawn out, still had a coherent message behind it. Visually, the movie was definitely trying to break out of the Zack Snyder mold that had been set up back with Man Of Steel, and while it still chills out in Low Saturation City a lot of the time, it IS doing a better job. Zachary Levi definitely deserves a shoutout in this movie for probably being the second best actor in the DCEU closely behind Gal Gadot in terms of casting choices, perfectly encapsulating the idea of Shazam, and pulling off the role of a Big Billy Batson, however he seems to have taken away the acting talent from half of the rest of the cast, because some of the acting in this movie is.....not great. And that’s not counting the child actors who did alright considering they’re child actors (Freddy in particular was fantastic).

The dialogue in this is pretty solid and indicative of the situation, and they really tried to lean into the idea that it’s some middle school (or early high I cant really remember) kid who just got these powers, and they do a pretty good job of that in both the dialogue and in the first half of the movie. And like I mentioned, there is a bit of Emotion in this movie that they really tried to deliver and they did a pretty good job delivering it. That being said, it’s very clear that they’re going for a kinda cheesy sort of vibe. Which makes sense, since the concept is Kid Becomes Superhero, which is ripe for picking like some kind of Cheese Tree....orchard.....thing.....and it leads to just a fun experience. It’s something that knows it shouldn’t be taken too seriously, which is why I’m writing an incredibly long analytical review of it, because I’m a curmudgeon like that.

ALRIGHT SPOILER TIME SCROLL DOWN TO THE VERY BOTTOM IF YOU DONT WANNA GET SPOILED

Lol alright so this spoiler section is gonna have a lot of negative points, so let me start with some positives.

The overall theme of this movie is sort of an idea of Found Family (which I’m an absolute sucker for), and there’s a subplot that follows this idea where Billy is looking for his mom. The movie starts showing a flashback where Billy’s mom gives him a compass saying “it’ll always help you find your way home” and then very shortly afterward, Billy gets himself seperated from his mother and had to be put into foster care and is now searching for his mother by looking everywhere he can to the point it causes him to run away multiple times. It’s not too surprising how this ends, with him finding his mother, only to find out that she just didn’t pick him up because she was 17 at the time and felt she COULDN’T take care of him. And that’s the point when he realizes “maybe my REAL family were the kids in the foster home all along”. Billy Batson sees that his birth mother’s life is tumultuous, taking on new lovers, working part time jobs, and not having time to even consider caring for Billy, moreso just hoping he turned out alright. Billy, as a sort of symbolic gesture, hands his mother the compass saying “you’ll need this more than me”. And then she replies with two words that just killed me for some reason.

“What’s this?”

I don’t know. It was a line that hit me. Kinda reflecting that sort of disconnect. Alright enough being nice, let’s talk things that are Alright but could be better.

The villain was alright. His character was pretty fun at the beginning, but after he got revenge on his father for Toxic Masculinity™ he became pretty boring, acting more like a CGI Monster Vending Machine. Of course it kinda leads into the whole Cheesy vibe they were going for, but it’s hard to make your movie seem like it’s gonna be campy and cheesy when your villain doesn’t really fall into the role once he actually fights the hero (also with the color palette). Just wish they would’ve sorta gone full Sam Raimi and just leaned into the campiness, with this movie kinda afraid to jump into the pool past its bathing suit.

And then there was the climax of the movie in the carnival, where I felt like it went a little bit downhill, not really being the best that it could be, but still pretty serviceable. The director seemed to be REALLY into using slo-mo, using it a little more than necessary to the point of being distracting, and while the Shazam concept was used in a few fun creative ways, there were some moments where it could have had more utility, or one moment in particular when he absolutely needed to change back and probably had time to say “Shazam” like twenty times over, but he didn’t, which was a LITTLE frustrating, but that’s way more nitpicky. Speaking of nitpicks, there were a few shots that were.....questionable (most notably the Santa.....moment? It seemed to be a clear funny moment, but it didn’t really land and didn’t flow either)

And also the climax has a bit of a fun twist moment that helps round out the Found Family moment where all of Billy’s adopted family also become superheroes, which is pretty sweet, but there was one SMALL nitpick that doesn’t overwhelmingly detract from anything but I found strange. Every character had a power, with one person showing the super strength, another showing super speed, another with lightning, another with flying, which were Shazam’s powers. And then Mary was there....and we don’t really get to see her powers? I did research and apparently she’s a character in the comics with all the powers of Shazam, but Mary was one of the only other characters with an arc and we don’t get to see her with any powers, which is a bit weird (we also don’t get to see her arc formally conclude. We can draw conclusions but still). So in the end it looks like Mary essentially kinda got Kairi’d. Oof.

But that’s really it for spoilers, in terms of the “bad” it’s really just that it didn’t really give it enough of an impact and while it knew what it wanted to be and isn’t disingenuous about it, it also doesn’t really commit to BEING what it wants to be.

ALRIGHT SPOILERS ARE ALL DONE YOU CAN LOOK NOW HERES MY BOTTOM LINE

Bottom line is that this movie is definitely flawed, and after consideration I don’t think I’d put it at the top of the DCEU, if only because Wonder Woman reached higher points than this one did, but that shouldn’t be a slight against Shazam at all. Heck, I would consider putting it a little bit above Captain Marvel if we’re inevitably comparing rivals.

So all in all I give it a Shazam/10. A good fun time. Not the BEST movie you’ll see this year, but you’re there to have a good time and you’ll have it.

[wily-one24]

I hope there's not a question limit per ask lol... Paint it Black: 3, 4, 5, 11, 12, 14 and 15 (or as many of those as you feel like answering lol)

Okay, two things.

A. Of *course* there’s no ask limit. I am an attention whore and will talk all day if you encourage me. Ask away!!

B. WTF tumblr? When I reposted that, it was a paragraph basically saying “ask about my fic!”, but now there are NUMBERED QUESTIONS? What? Where was the second half of that post when I came across it in my dash? 

ANSWERS

3. What’s your favourite line of narration?

Oh geez. How the hell am I going to answer that? I have favourite lines per chapter, I have favourite lines per scene! Each part I’m reading at any given moment happens to be my favourite. Every time I reread it, I find something new... and... maybe I suck for saying this... but I think “you’re a fucking genius”, then I get all sad, because I think that was probably one of the last great things I’ll write. I’ve been going downhill ever since... but anyways, to seriously answer your question, I’ll give a few examples... 

 - That face off scene between Regina and Snow, where Snow claims her father was a good man and Regina answers “To you!”, the entire scene is charged and emotional and brings up so much shit between them that was never explored in canon. 

- The flashback of Emma’s tenth birthday (technically collectively, all of the flashbacks, really. They’re angsty as fuck, but so formative in their characterisation that sometimes I forget they’re not actually canon). I have this habit of tearing Emma down to her bare bones and then trying to build her up again. I actually do this with most of my main female characters, and I do apologise for that Buffy, Kaylee, Veronica, Emma, and Alex. You all deserve so much better than me. 

- The scene where Regina is alone in the castle and revisits the old chamber of Leopold’s. It’s hard to read but that is some weird little cathartic release right there. There is some great imagery that I don’t think many people allow Regina when it comes to her healing. Everybody tends to go the “being married to Leopold was a BAD THING” route, without ever really exploring the day to day soul destroying aspect of it. The reality of being the King’s prisoner wife. But giving her the ability and strength to revisit it, so she can finally acknowledge to herself how damaging it was, to close herself off from it both literally and figuratively, and then to be self aware enough to compare that situation to the one she has Emma in. That is empowerment. 

- The parallel scenes of Emma and Henry at the start and the end of the fic. The first being when Henry is so adamant to rescue Emma and curse everyone again just to take them back... and the last where you can see how much indoctrinated he is into the fairy tale land, how much he is drifting from “our world” being the real one, to the fairy tale land being his reality, and how his morality has shifted... but then... he also brings it back by getting vulnerable and shows his concern not just for Emma but for Regina... which also shows great advancement from the child like black/white morality of good vs evil he begins with to an acceptance of a more adult grey-area morality, his willingness to examine the facts and the truth to make up his mind. 

All the minor characters... Nancy (sweet, voiced Nancy), and Miss Edith (poor Miss Edith), Rachel, all the little characters that had such minor parts, but had such great effects in the lives of our main characters. 

Oooh, writing Rumple was fun. I got to write him as nobody really does. As that creepy reptilian imp from the first few flashbacks in S1. Before they really woobified him. The hysteric giggling, maniacal creature who smelled the air and exuded pure malice. It was really enjoyable writing him like that. 

Well, this went terribly off topic... anyway, yes, flashback scenes and confrontation scenes, be they between Snow and Regina, Emma and Regina, Regina and Maleficent, Emma and Snow, Emma and Henry... it’s in emotion that the true power of the fic lives. 

4. What’s your favourite line of dialogue?

oh, this is harder than the first. It would take me ages to reread this fic (and now I most likely am, thanks) to really go through it and cherry pick my favourites. But, if a line has happened to truly hit home and resonate with you as a reader, it most likely did the same for me. I remember quite a few times writing this fic, thinking “holy fuck!” and knowing, just knowing, that it was definitely the line to write. 

5. What part was the hardest to write?

The first two chapters. Up until the pivotal moment where Regina heals Emma, those were difficult to write and definitely difficult to read. I’ve had many readers tell me they were about to give up, bc it was too much torture porn to enjoy, but that moment specifically was a turning point for them because it built up the trust that I could and would reign Regina in beyond the point of no forgiveness or return. 

11. What do you like best about this fic?

I liked writing it. 

It took me to some pretty intense places. Fic writing, for me, has always been a form of therapy. I work through to some pretty intense fucking emotions through the angst of it all. Like, no, I have never been magically transported to a fairy tale land, collared, enslaved, and held against my will for the sake of my family and community’s lives... but if you look deeper in my life at the time, I had just been through a pretty horrific pregnancy that nearly killed me, my spouse and I separated, and I was left ill, recovering, and a single mother of a toddler and infant. I felt like I was being ripped apart from all angles, forced into a live of servitude for the betterment of everyone around me at the cost of myself. Even, though, like Emma, I didn’t blame them, it was still a period of mourning and loss.

I didn’t realise it at the time. This revelation happened years later when rereading the fic and trying to see where all the emotions had been coming from. It happens a lot with some of my more intense, dramatic, and (strangely enough) most popular fics. I don’t always see the correlation to my life at the time, but if I look back I can generally trace the rationality behind what my muse was trying to work through. 

12. What do you like least about this fic?

The polarisation. The controversy. That fucking chapter fucking four. I still cannot reread that chapter without having to take a step back and breathe. That scene has some good imagery, but even now sometimes I just skip it. It’s not worth the shakes or unease or... ugh, just thinking about it upsets me. 

I made a mistake in the tagging and I learned from it, but holy fuck was I attacked at the time and used as a sacrifical cow to the radfems. It was, honestly, surprising to me. Not only the reaction, but the harshness of it, all the accusation and personal attacks aimed at me.  

I mean, I knew the fic was always going to be confronting to some. It dealt with some pretty hard issues and subject matter. I had warned for all the violence and non/dub con. But... I didn’t expect or prepare for the backlash in including a male, even if the male used was... just used... and never actually amounted to anything more than a tool for Regina to control/bind/further entrench Emma to her own will in one scene. 

I, very naively, went into it thinking “surprise!”, and that an almost canon past pairing that was heavily explored in the actual show would not be controversial in the least. More fool me, I suppose. I definitely went back to re-tag it, I apologised. I am not sure what else I could have done, but to this day this fic is held up as an example of queer baiting and everything wrong with false lesbianism. And it is definitely used as an example by biphobic people as to why bisexual women cannot be trusted as we’re all “really straight women at heart”.

To be fair, I never explicitly labelled the fic as “lesbian”. I begin all my fics (no matter how AU or ‘out there’) from a canon stand point. Meaning, everything that happened in the show up to that point counts. Which includes every prior relationship both Emma and Regina had been in up to the Season One finale. Which, surprise, were with men!! 

14. Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

I don’t know if there’s anything they should ‘learn’, but I definitely hope readers realise that this is in NO WAY AN EXAMPLE OF A HEALTHY BDSM RELATIONSHIP. It is not meant to be a guide, a ‘how to’, or a ‘goal’. This is an incredibly fucked up way for two already fucked up characters, to find some kind of semblance of existence in a world/s stacked up against them from the very start. I didn’t think I needed to state that out loud, but apparently I had to. Many times.  

If not that... then definitely I hope perhaps some of the writing made people think about the characters more in depth, or differently, that it gave the reader a new way of thinking about the show and the storylines/characters in it.  

15. What did you learn from writing this fic?

Tagging. Tagging fucking matters. Tag properly. Like, just do it. 

In all seriousness, though... I think I learned a lot about my own trauma. 

I also think my writing developed throughout the fic. There is a definite shift from the first two chapters... you can definitely see where it became less of a short one off smutty fic set up and more of an in depth angsty character exploration of the soul kinda thing. 

I learned about set up and development and bringing in stray bits of plot development later in the story to tie up loose ends.  

[thisisevenharderthannamingablog]

6.21/22 The Final Battle

Well, here we are. I can’t title this “the final write-up” because I still have to go back and finish six episodes in S2, but we’re certainly getting close.

My feelings about this show are large and complicated. My feelings about this finale are of overwhelming disappointment. Read on for large quantities of salt, like we’re talking “Visitors Guide to Hallstatt” here, maybe put on a helmet.

In the Enchanted Forest: Some but not all of the Storybrooke residents are returned to the Enchanted Forest castle, while others remain in the LWM. (???) They can watch events in Storybrooke through a mirror. Zelena arrives from Oz via magic hat (???) to let them know that there is another problem: the realms are disappearing. Additional refugees arrive, including Aladdin and Jasmine.

Regina is determined to find a magical solution, and poofs everyone to her own castle. Hook is just as determined not to wait on her efforts, and sneaks off on his own. Charming follows him to the beanstalk, which he plans to climb in order to look for a magic bean to get back to Emma. They essay the quest together, find a bean, and exit pursued by a random dragon (???).

Meanwhile, the other Regina shows up back at the castle, having abandoned the Wish World with Robin due to her being wanted for regicide there, and joins the effort.

In the other world, Emma burns the book. As the Enchanted Forest comes apart, the beanstalk sways. Hook falls off, and Charming rides the falling stalk down to the ground. Snow realizes that her husband is missing. She and Jasmine go to find him. They find Hook (unhurt somehow), and Snow stays to look for Charming while the other two take the bean back to the castle. She finds him, thinks he’s dead, and kisses him, which wakes him up somehow IDK.

The bean has already begun to wither, and Regina’s magic is insufficiently speedy to revive it in time to use it (??). Her evil half buys them time (??), sacrificing herself to hold back the oncoming destruction. Everyone else takes cover in the castle.

The erosion of the realms stops when there is only a small patch of Enchanted Forest remaining.

In the LWM:: Henry wakes up on the rooftop alone, and quickly finds that Storybrooke has been re-cursed. Fiona is his mother (???) , and Emma has been in an asylum for the past two years, ever since Henry ate that apple tart and poisoned himself in an effort to prove that magic was real. Neither the storybook nor the symbols that he wrote while in an Author trance are convincing. Fiona shows up to reinforce the fake reality in which they dwell and attempt to convince Emma to destroy the storybook as a final act of healing. 

Fiona pays a visit to the pawnshop to visit Gold and Gideon and make sure their new story is in place -- that Belle ran off and abandoned them, and Fiona looks after them as best she can.

Meanwhile, Henry breaks Emma out, hoping to jog her memories with a trip to the site of her recent wedding. She does have flashes, but considers this part of her ongoing problem with reality. Henry determines to steal Emma’s car keys so they can leave town, but Fiona catches him and pushes down some stairs, breaking his arm. She uses this incident to convince Emma that the storybook needs to go, for Henry’s sake.

The worlds’ disintegration accelerates as the book burns.

Rumple asks Fiona to “reopen the investigation into Belle’s disappearance.” She offers him some hilariously bad Photoshops of Belle off seeing the world, blissfully alone.

Emma leaves for Boston (where, in the single least likely occurrence of the entire episode, her apartment is still there -- it’s not even dusty). She finds a version of the storybook that Henry made for her (when did he do that?).

Henry goes to Gold, who admits that he still has his memories because he did not entirely trust his mother, but also that he has no interest in being helpful; he just wants to find Belle. Henry borrows a mirror and a sword and goes down to the beach. He announces to anyone who might be watching via mirror that he’s going to fight the Black Fairy himself. 

He’s all ready to do so when Emma shows up -- she came back! Even though she doesn’t remember anything, she read his story and she believes him.

Rumple concocts a potion and locates Belle, only to find that she’s agoraphobic in her new, cursed life. Fiona comes to the shop looking for her wand and reminds us that she has Gideon’s heart and can command him, because that will be important later. She uses the wand to translate the symbols Henry wrote in his trance, which are about the Final Battle. Rumple returns and confronts his mother, who promises to lift the curse from Belle and Gideon just a soon as she’s done with this fight.

Oh, and she’ll also have ultimate power by then, could even bring people back to life, if that was a thing he was interested in. He could have everything! But, no deal. He takes the wand. Fiona has one last trick, however; it’s still Gideon who’s going to kill Emma, carrying out Fiona’s final command to his heart, because “Darkness can’t snuff out the Light… only light can snuff out light.”

(What the everloving fuck? This plus that final line in the storybook is why it took my poor li’l English major ass a solid month to get around to rewatching this thematic dumpster fire.)

Anyway, Rumple goes ahead and kills her, with 20 minutes left to go in the episode.

(Wait, I thought killing people -- even bad people! -- was supposed to be BAD. Wasn’t that like half of S4.)

But this time it’s okay, I guess, because the curse breaks, and everyone gets their memories back. (So Snow and Charming could have just killed Regina’s no-magic ass in their flashback a few episodes ago and broken the curse themselves instead of letting Emma go through hell to save them. Good to know.) Everyone comes back from the Enchanted Forest as the sun sets. Gideon finds his sword, and Emma.

Belle finds Rumple, and on Henry’s direction, the two of them head to the mines in search of Gideon’s heart while Emma locks Gideon in the mayor’s office. Belle - and I can’t believe I am going to fucking type these words, give me a second - TWISTS HER ANKLE AND CAN’T GO ON because it’s not like her husband is the FUCKING DARK ONE AND COULD HEAL HER IN LESS TIME THAN IT TOOK TO TELL HIM TO GO ON WITHOUT HER.

But oh no, they had to give Rumple a tete a tete with his Enchanted Forest self telling him to just give it up, let the Final Battle go on, take all the power for himself teehee! This could have been a neat moment if it had been, oh, I dunno, built up in any way at all in the entire preceding season instead of just flung at us out of nowhere. Rumple decides to do the Right Thing, but his attempt to command Gideon to stop has no effect, because of… something the Black Fairy did, apparently.

Meanwhile up above, Gideon finds them again (natch). Regina gives a Hope Speech™. Emma fights Gideon but refuses to kill him, so he stabs her. There’s a lot of light. Emma appears to be dead until Henry kisses her.

For reasons I don’t understand at all, Gideon becomes an infant again. The storybook is finished. The Enchanted Forest is back where it was - Evil Queen included, and it looks like she and Robin are expecting. Snow and Charming get a farmhouse and a dog. Emma and Hook drive off in the bug to fight crime together. Regina gets to be queen of Storybrooke. Everyone gathers at Granny’s for a weird-ass homage to Da Vinci’s Last Supper.

(I have blocked every gifset that includes that scene that crosses my dash, because what the actual fuck.)

In sum, happy beginnings all around.

Also: In some wrapper scenes after an unspecified time jump, we meet a plucky young girl named Lucy and her fairy godmother, Tiger Lily. Lucy has a storybook and a sword and says she’s Henry’s daughter. Henry (now an adult and living in Seattle in our fade-out) has no memory of her. A grave new threat has overcome the Enchanted Forest and their family.

I didn’t pay much attention to these, as I am not planning to watch the season.

Parallels: This episode consisted of (depressingly) little else but direct callbacks to other episodes -- which is not nearly as effective as parallelism, unfortunately.

Fiona = Regina, obviously

The now-magicless Zelena travels by magic hat (1.17); apparently in his years off-screen, Jefferson made a new one

Emma’s pullup scene is a reference to Terminator 2 (another sequel, see earlier this season)

Operation Cuckoo’s Nest is a twofer, as the entire “operation” business is now several layers deep in self-reference. Unfortunately.

Killian and Charming climb the beanstalk from 2.06

Her Handsome Hero makes an appearance in 6.21 and then again in 6.22, when Rumple uses it to find Belle.

Fiona giving Belle an agoraphobic personality is reasonably close to Regina having locked her up

Snow kissing Charming awake was a callback to, well, rather a lot of their scenes since the S6 curse.

Fiona’s final plan as she explained it to Rumple - no more laws of magic, bringing people back to life, making them love - was lifted wholly from the OUaTiW spinoff, where it made a hell of a lot more sense.

We got one last reference to the price of magic, although it’s hard to see any rhyme or reason to how that’s applied these days.

Henry kissing Emma reverses the S1 finale.

Six seasons’ worth of material, magic items, and emotion to draw from, and this random grab-bag is what they came up with.

On a cheerier note, Lucy means “light” which I feel is appropriate for Snow White’s great-granddaughter and the granddaughter of a Savior.

Wardrobe Department:

There was nothing new or interesting here.

In Hindsight: The villains on this show have gone steadily downhill in capability for the past few years. Regina enjoyed most of a decade as the tyrant of the Enchanted Forest, and 28 more years with Storybrooke in her iron grip before Emma broke the curse for which Regina had murdered her own father.

Rumple was the Dark One, holder of unmatched power, for centuries, came thisclose to living forever in a world specially designed for his happiness (S4).

Pan had absolute power in Neverland for centuries. Cora held sway in Wonderland for years, and got the better of Rumplestiltskin once (very nearly twice). Zelena ruled Oz for something like forty years, if my timeline is anywhere near correct.

Fiona lost her wand ten seconds after turning evil, and was defeated by a fairy who regularly gets herself nearly-dead and doesn’t even show up in the town’s magical ranking these days. She was imprisoned for centuries, sulking and plotting in the Dark Realm, before she made it to Storybrooke, where she spent a week romping around, finally cast her curse, her great work of villainy -- and it got broken and she got killed THE NEXT DAY.

What a loser.

I did a rare thing for me and asked Adam on Twitter what was up with this episode, given that most of it was clearly written for Regina, not the Black Fairy. I did not get an answer, and I suppose we’ll never know what caused this change in direction -- maybe it was as simple as the fact that JMo was leaving and Lana was staying next season, and they didn’t want to end the show. It seems inarguable to me, however, that this change was made, because absolutely nothing about Fiona’s actions makes sense in light of her character.

Fiona’s Dark Curse was (retconned to have been) intended to protect her son (Rumple) by taking all of the Enchanted Forest children to the Land Without Magic. Her later actions were fixated on Gideon as substitute for Rumple. The Dark Curse as enacted in the finale didn’t appear to have anything in particular to do with Rumple or with Gideon. They were both supposed to be cursed and oblivious, so how would that have been a happy ending for Fiona? Was she going to spend eternity watching their family from outside? Storybrooke under her curse had plenty of magic, too, ignoring what was supposed to have been the entire original point.

The new Dark Curse did end up having a lot to do with Emma, with whom Fiona had no relationship at all beyond the inescapably lame “you’re a Savior so I have to kill you” thing. It separated her from her family and drove a new wedge between her and Henry. Fiona had no reason at all to be interested in Henry -- but in this new world she adopted him? -- or in any of Emma’s family for their own sake -- but she made sure to send specifically them away, and no one else? She has literally never interacted with any of these characters, and it makes no sense that she would care about their whereabouts.

(And why for the love of Pete was Henry immune to the curse? I don’t think they ever addressed that. He wasn’t under the first one because he was brought to town later on, but there’s no obvious reason why he should have kept his real memories this time around.)

(While I’m at it, how in hell did she still have Gideon’s heart? She and Rumple were supposed to have been allies as of a couple episodes ago; there’s no way he would have made any deal without securing that.)

None of what Fiona did makes sense for the Black Fairy, but it would have been very much in keeping with Regina’s past actions. (Yes, even down to harming Henry. This is a woman who killed the thing she loved the most.) Even Fiona’s costuming was identical to Regina’s look in S1.

I’m too irritated by it to even really discuss Regina and Rumple’s ending for this season. Suffice to say that they got everything they ever wanted -- twice over in Regina’s case -- and I will never stop being bitter about it. What was even going on with Rumple here? Is being the Dark One irrelevant now? Because if he’s been 100% able to make good decisions this entire time, curse or no curse, and just couldn’t be arsed until this very moment, that blows up another enormous piece of show mythology.

Moving on before my blood pressure kills me.

In my opinion, most of this finale’s mess comes from chickening out with Regina. The rest of it falls out as a consequence of that decision. Having slotted the Black Fairy in for her at the last moment, having decided to make this a metaphorical battle and not a literal one, they had the problem of what do with all of the other characters. I suspect the decision went like “leaving them in Storybrooke would mean re-establishing their cursed identities for viewers who haven’t seen them in five seasons, and it would mean creating all new curse identities for some of them, so let’s just send them off to the EF and, um, they can do absolutely nothing useful there.” The Captain Charming scene was cute as far as it went, but it was also useless, and that dialog was flat-out terrible.

That entire half of the finale was pointless. Literally nothing was accomplished there that had any effect. In order to make all that nothing look like a very urgent something, the writers came up with this “Emma’s lack of belief will destroy all the lands” hack at what was obviously the last possible moment, and I say that because it is in DIRECT CONTRADICTION of the ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW.

We literally spent all of S1 and onward having it explained that what we think of as stories have objective existence in other worlds, that these people and these realms are real, with their own long and complicated history independent of our own; we only know of them because of the storybooks. Now all of the sudden they only exist if one particular person believes in them? What about the first 28 years of Emma’s life, when she didn’t believe in anything? What about the worlds she’s never been to, never interacted with? Stuff that happened before she was born? The history of the Authors, Mr Disney included? All of those other storybooks from the last hack job of a season finale?

The idea that the final battle is an internal one is fine in itself, but then what makes it final? Why was the Black Fairy involved at all? Why has it been six years and we’re still talking about whether Emma Swan believes in magic? Shouldn’t the “final” battle revolve around everything that has happened to her SINCE that moment, not take us back to just before it happened? What narrative purpose does isolating her from everyone except Henry - again! - serve?

It wasn’t even really a battle; the curse didn’t capitalize on any weakness in Emma’s character.  We just rewound the tape to the S1 finale so she could make the exact same decision she made then -- to leave -- and then convince herself to come back sans apple tart-induced trauma? Was that supposed to be the big pivotal thing, that she came back on her own? Because that was pretty fucking drastically underplayed, and also pretty far from definitive. Emma could get her memories wiped tomorrow (and given this show, probably will), and we’d do the same thing all over again. The fact that they didn’t even feel a need to show her moment of deciding to act on screen says everything, I think.

And then we have the concluding fight, which defies explanation. One thing this show has generally done a good job with is parallelism, but here of all places it fell flat. Everything about the “climax” felt perfunctory at best. They introduced the vision of the fight with Gideon in 6.01, therefore they had to revisit it in the finale, even if it made no particular sense to do so (nothing about Gideon has made sense). This fight happened because a dead character who had no established reason for doing anything she did gave a pointless character an order that didn’t make any sense in the first place; Emma had to “die” purely because the writers said she would six months ago. As an action and as a scene, it accomplished nothing.

Having previously established that the sword was a real sword that would cut people, they hand-waved that and gave it a magical effect instead, allowing Emma to be struck down and then wakened by TLK. The TLK with Henry at the end of S1 was one of the most hard-fought-for scenes I have personally ever seen in any medium, with an entire season of loving development leading up to it; this one felt like a distant echo through a mile of aluminum ducting. Henry has barely even been in this season, hasn’t had a good episode for his character since 6.08. His relationship with Emma in particular has been on the back burner since “The Other Shoe.” The two of them didn’t even get a good spotlight in this episode what with all of the side action in the Enchanted Forest and with Rumple and so on. That kiss didn’t bring anything new to the story.

And so here we are, if not at the end of the story, at least at the end of a significant chapter.

Adam and Eddy wrote some of my all-time favorite episodes of this show, back in the day. At this point, I have to say that while they might make solid staff writers, they have no business running a show. They don’t care about consistency from one season or sometimes even one episode to the next, their creative toolbox appears limited in scope, their writing is self-indulgent, and they’re apparently not willing to follow through -- of their own accord -- on events that should have significant in-character consequences. The result is a finale that very nearly systematically trashes every piece of moral and magical world-building that was still standing after six seasons -- and which I feel comfortably certain will be ignored when the show goes into S7. 

All of that said, I do want to end this on a positive note. I have over the past few years very much enjoyed the story of Emma Swan, the ugly duckling who thought she would never have a family, the lost princess who gave up on love, the hardass with her box of sentimental treasures -- the mother, daughter, sheriff, swordswoman, sorceress, leader, lover, and all of the other jackets she’s worn across the years, leather and otherwise, in the end a fully realized woman with a whole heart and a happy future ahead of her. That’s a story I will never get tired of, and for that I offer my gratitude.

To all of you reading this, I would like to say thank you as well, for the many hours of diverting conversation, for the moving and hilarious commentary, and for the friendships that have grown up from this unexpected ground. May your supplies of fic never run dry.

[wherespaulo]

Running the Patagonian Trails with Race2Adventure

March 3-12, 2017

Burning lungs and aching quads, screaming at me to stop after the 500 meter ascent from a cold start, were temporarily forgotten as I hit a chicane of runners in a technical section, a portion of loose scree under low bushes. Here was my chance to make up lost ground, so bounding headlong over the scree, with blood and sweat trickling down my badly scratched legs, and a breeze blowing through the gigantic hole ripped in my shorts, I grabbed at branches to pull myself along while others struggled to gain traction...

Welcome to Race2Adventure (R2A) Chile!!

It's impossible to describe the tour de force which is R2A (http://race2adventure.com/) without shining a light on it's founder and driving force, Merritt Hopper. I've met some interesting and driven people in my time, I'm sure we all have, but believe me, this guy is like no other. Where most of us are happy to juggle one or two balls, Merritt has absolutely no fear and likes to jump into the whole damn ball pool, and to live every second of it to the full, and so goes his mantra:

“Play your song, dance your dance, and live your life while you still have life to live. Do not wait any longer, the time is now. Rise up, follow your heart and live your dream!!!"

And when he's not organizing an international agenda of adventure races, trips to the Olympics or soccer world cups (the list goes on), supported by his race director Sergio and a dedicated team of staff,  he's doing his day job managing a large national Sales Team for a luxury travel company, with every second that's left being spent as a loving husband and very hands on father to his three, very active young sons. So what drives Merritt? Well, his father, who was also a keen adventure runner and ran Race2Adventure in Costa Rica, in 2009, died shortly afterwards at the age of 62 from brain cancer. Merritt's dad is, and always will be, his driving force in life. And now, R2A donates a percentage of profits to Duke's Robert Tisch Brain Tumor Foundation, in Malcolm Mandeville Hopper's honor.

For me it all started when I was invited to the 2013 Panama trip by some running buddies in my NYC running club, The Reservoir Dogs, who'd previously attended earlier races in Guatemala, Ecuador and Costa Rica, since the race's inception in 2007. Since then I've also attended the 2015 Peru trip and this 2017 Chile trip, as well as one of the non-running R2A trips, the 2014 World Cup in Brazil – Spain is planned for 2018. And since Panama there's been a core of regulars from all over the US, Canada and beyond, with whom I've stayed in touch with on Facebook in-between races – exceptional people with a shared passion for adventure racing, striving to abide by Merritt's mantra of “living their dream”. This is our kind of vacation, and the numbers of runners, covering a range of paces, have been steadily increasing from around 90 in Panama, to 110 in Peru, and now 150 in Chile, where there would be an ambitious five trail races in six days around Santiago and throughout Patagonia.

The anticipation slowly increased as the 150 runners lined up for the the first race in a haze of dust and to the thumping beat of Rocky. Then we were off, a 5km grueling run along the trails of Parque Mahuida, just outside Santiago, involving an initial 500 meter ascent from a cold start where I struggled to get my second wind and was passed many times. But as we hit the section of scree and bushes near the top, I managed to recover my position before briefly admiring the stunning views of Santiago, and sprinting downhill through a steep section of rocks and roots followed by a gravel track. I was happy with the very respectable 9th position which would be my best of the trip.

I had flashbacks of Peru as we lined up for the second race in Playa Ritoque, just outside Valparaiso, the steep sand dunes, rising up to the blazing azure blue sky, filling me with dread – this was not going to be my best race! Some people grasp the technique required to run on soft, deep, dry sand much quicker than others, simply gliding over the surface – not me! I tend to expend all my energy flailing in every direction other than forwards as my feet slide sideways and backwards, and I end up running on the spot! There was a brief respite along a beach of firm wet sand where I managed to gain some traction and speed up significantly but was unable to make up on lost ground and finished in 17th position.

After a 3hr flight to Punta Arenas in the south, the third race would be 5.4 km in the Club Andino Ski Resort area. As is usually the case with a steep ascent from a cold start, I struggled to gain my second wind, and was passed by a few good hill climbers. But once the 230 meter ascent started to level off in an uneven boggy section, I started to make up lost ground, before barreling down the steep valley to the finish line like a bat out of hell, and finishing in a respectable 13th position.   

We were half way back to Santiago, after a short flight to Puerto Montt, when we set off for the fourth race, a 9km there-and-back dash along the beach of Llanquiaue Lake...in a raging torrent no less! I struggled to gain traction in the soft sand as the icy downpour lashed at me sideways, blinding my vision, and I eventually finished in 16th spot.

Our final race would be just outside Pucon in the Parque Nacional Villarica – 7km up the scorched and blackened lava scree of Villarica Volcano, a desolate, gigantic ash pit. The heavy rain had prevented us from attempting the planned longer distance of 12km but this didn't dampen our spirits. As I struggled  on the uphill from the cold start the view was like a scene from Dante's Inferno, and I thought for a moment that I'd unknowingly passed into an alternative universe – but after a long downhill sprint I managed to finish in 20th position.

In between races, as is always the case on the R2A trips, there is important time scheduled for some philanthropy, to give back to local communities – child's back packs full of school stationary, which every runner brought with them, were presented to a school in the Mapuche Indigenous Community just outside Pucon, and the school children thanked us with some traditional dances. There was also plenty of time for well earned relaxation and re-hydration, and after a hard fought race this is certainly no time to hold back – so there was always a certain amount of drunken revelry on the cards in the many excellent restaurants and bars that are too many to mention. Other notable highlights were the day off in Torres Del Paine, with a boat trip to the Gray Glacier and a rare sighting of three majestic pumas, wine tasting at the Matetic Vineyard just outside Valparaiso, a traditional barbie at Estancia Rio Penitente, and exploring the beautiful and colorful city of Valparaiso.

As I sat on the plane in Santiago, waiting to head back to New York, I was feeling happy with my 12th place overall and thought about what an amazing adventure it had been, but more importantly I considered how grateful I was to have spent this time with so many incredibly inspiring friends, both new and renewed, who have a shared passion, and I looked forward to when we could once again share in our adventures.

Here’s the link to the trip video produced by Luciana, the race photographer: https://youtu.be/MQAHmHsZPPE

[jesusvasser]

AUTOMOBiLE Flashback: A Proper Thrashing: 2003 Ranger Rover

DORNOCH, Scotland — Scotland may be cold in January, but at least it’s a wet cold. You can’t do proper off-roading without that extra bit of pouring rain turning the rivers to raging beasts and the forest ruts to bottomless hobbit holes. Scotland must be seven-tenths water. It fills the firths to overflowing, comes cascading out of craggy outcroppings in torrents, runs straight down every road surface on this northernmost tip of the United Kingdom, and has you whipping your windshield wipers into a frenzy.   Just bloody beautiful. Pass the Glenmorangie—eighteen-year, preferably. It goes well with the haggis from Dingwall.   The national coat of Scotland is the waxed Barbour. The vehicle of choice is the 2003 Range Rover. At least, that’s what it is today, because Scotland is where we are, and we are guests of Land Rover. In these gruesome conditions, we’d have it no other way. Gruesome is really the wrong word, based on our fierce love of gritty, off-road adventure. We like to plunge into raging rivers, pushing a bow wave as high as the car’s hood onto the far shore. We live for the terror of sliding straight down muddy embankments and into pools of water of unknown depth in the dark. We thrill to the challenge of climbing—wheel by articulated wheel—through ditches and fissures and crevasses and ravines.   We especially like to do so in Range Rovers, because there is very little chance that we’ll actually get any of those elements on us. Range Rovers always have been unstoppable beasts of upper-crust burden since the first was introduced by Land Rover in 1970. (This would be not counting the failure of the first-generation air suspension, that is.) Since then, there’s been only one redesign, and it was in the spirit of the first—a fresh turn on the original theme of fusty country elegance. The queen in a babushka. When Bob Dover left Aston Martin to run Land Rover, his extremely chic wife, Tracey, was overheard muttering into her champagne: “Goodbye, Manolos; hello, wellies.”   As it turns out, the skyscraper Italian stilettos got to stay, and the green rubber boots remained in the closet. This third Range Rover throws off its babushka, thanks to the brief interlude Land Rover spent under the BMW umbrella, where a key champion was Wolfgang Reitzle, then BMW’s head of product development. Reitzle finished the job when he left BMW and joined Ford in 1999 and led Ford’s purchase of Land Rover the following year.   There’s no mistaking it for anything but a Range Rover, with that clamshell hood, split tailgate, and upright, grille-heavy front end. But the overall shape is sleeker (not to mention wider, longer, and taller), and the xenon headlamp clusters are positively New Age, as are the functional front-fender vents. Land Rover chief designer Geoff Upex led the British team, beating out two BMW studios to win the redesign job.

Happy as a pig in the mud: Range Rovers are virtually unstoppable off-road. We proved it on the vast, privately owned Novar Estate, where it had snowed ten days before, engorging the rives and turning the hillsides to a beautiful slop. One hilltop on the estate revealed the dark majesty of the Scottish Highlands beyond.

Looking around the smart, new, extra-roomy cabin (2.6 inches wider inside), it’s hard to recall what made the last Range Rover luxurious, other than its price. Now, this—this is something else again. First comes the dash, a bold door-to-door sweep swaddled in thick parchment-colored leather, bisected by two striking pillars of cherry wood with a finish reminiscent of paste wax. The wood uprights frame the controls and display for the GPS navigation system above a pair of air vents, and pushbuttons, an analog clock (which magically synchronizes with the digital clock as it is set), and rotary climate-control dials are neatly clustered below. Wood veneer adorns lower door-mounted bins, and a huge cube of it surrounds side air vents on the outer dash edges.   “We wanted the look of a small Bentley,” explains chairman Dover. Land Rover never had an interior design signature. Now we’ve made it cool and chic and Norwegian. Or you can make it Teutonic by replacing the wood with metal.” The most prominent souvenirs of its Munich masters are the beautiful gauges and finely articulated switches logically grouped around (and on) the telescoping, tilting steering wheel.   A soft wash of light from two slots in the ceiling continuously bathes the aluminum-accented shifter and its two attendant paddles (one engages Hill Descent Control, the other engages low range) for easy location during night driving. A pale glow illuminates the door handles and storage bins. Two days of Highlands driving–one spent entirely on boggy forest roads and rocky hillsides, the other in a 200-mile pavement dash from east to west–made us want to pack up the Range Rover’s plush navy leather armchairs piped in parchment leather and ship them home for the family Suburban. Or maybe the family living room.

Hall of fame: The 2003 Range Rover’s passenger compartment couldn’t differ more radically from that of its predecessor, with fine leather, exquisite wood trim, and BMW-esque gauges and controls.

  It was like being in a fabulous Riva boat. Or maybe I was just thinking Riva boat because, at the moment I was thinking Riva, the road plunged down an embankment and gave way to a fairly rapid river, and I had to gun the Range Rover’s 4.4-liter BMW-sourced V-8 to carry some speed as I hit the water. We had been in Scotland about two hours, the first spent in a technical briefing held in a lovely, halogen-lit room with a beautiful wood floor, smack in the middle of a Royal Air Force aeronautical search-and-rescue base northeast of Inverness. Actually, the room turned out to have been built by Land Rover smack in the middle of an airplane hangar on the base. The sleek room’s far wall slid open, and there was our test fleet parked in the dark, damp other half of the hangar. It was the first of many reminders of Land Rover’s new battle cry: tough luxury.   Back to tough. Covering a goodly part of the sodden, private, 25,000-acre Novar Estate in a day was not a problem for a number of reasons. There was, as mentioned, the mighty strong 282-horsepower engine (borrowed from BMW’s own X5), subdued slightly by the extra weight of this much stouter vehicle but still more than tough enough for our low-speed needs. (Despite an aluminum hood, front fenders, and doors, the new Range Rover weighs 414 pounds more than the outgoing model and 550 pounds more than an X5 4.4i.) The ZF five-speed ControlShift manu-matic transmission has a dual-range transfer case that now can be shifted with the flick of a finger while on the fly, provided you’re not flying too high. The added security of Hill Descent Control is another welcome finger flick of a paddle away. At times, we were creeping down steep grades so slowly in super-low that I added gas.   Bigger news is Range Rover’s switch to a monococque structure—a huge break from the body-on-frame construction of yore. Bending stiffness is radically improved, as are body-panel fits. Three subframes cradle the transfer case and front and rear suspension systems, now both independent. The air-spring system also has been redesigned to pillow off-road jolts and jounces more effectively. It still has “kneel” feature that lowers the vehicle rolls to a complete stop.

This new Range Rover is 1.8 inches taller and 9.3 inches longer than the old one, with a 5.3 inches more wheelbase. Maximum ground clearance is greater than before (11.0 inches), it will tow more (7700 pounds), and it can snatch-recover a 12,000-pound load.   By late afternoon, the wind was howling badly enough across the barren hillsides that we switched heaters for seats and steering wheel and began the downhill battle. At the shore of Loch Glass, Land Rover had neatly parked a toilet trailer (with art on the walls and running water in the sinks) a large temporary glass house with wooden floor, cushy furniture, halogen lights, classical music, and an attendant who served tea and cookies.   “It wouldn’t be nearly as useful without the hidden bank of generators,” quipped Dover as he sipped his tea. Out of the woods at the property’s edge, we were hailed by three guys with Land Rover Defenders and power washers who hosed down our Range Rover, checked its tires for gashes, and sent us on our way to town. Tough luxury, indeed.   And then tough was all finished. We arrived at our quarters, imposing Skibo Castle, built at the turn of the twentieth century by the world’s richest man, Andrew Carnegie. Many stories surround this fabulous 7500-acre estate (down from 250,000 acres). But let me just say that you need to know a member (Dover) to stay there; a butler named James met us in the circular drive with a tray of single malts; a bagpiper played us awake each morning; black pudding (made of blood) was on my breakfast plate; there was a Burberry store in the dungeon, and they take American Express; and I got Madonna’s bridal suite. There were no lost diamond studs under the bed; I checked. The last thrashing we would give the Range Rover was the most obvious one, the test that has tripped it up for the past thirty years. We would drive it fast and hard, mostly on a single-track paved path through the wild Beinn Eighe national nature preserve along the 12.5-mile shore of Loch Maree, to quaint Gairloch and Poolewe on the western shore.   We set the navigation system (nice, but not as nice as the systems from Acura and Lexus) so photographer Tim Andrew wouldn’t have to guide me. I was really looking forward to this day and not just for the six hours of mouth-gaping scenery.   Dover’s boys had broken his golden rule: “Be modest. Under-promise and over-deliver.” Not only did they claim the obvious high-dollar SUVs from BMW, Mercedes-Benz, and Lexus for competition, but they got carried away and insisted that a Range Rover would kick Mercedes S-class booty as well. A beautiful, controlled ride at highway speeds on pavement has never been the Range Rover’s forte, so this would be some feat.   A feat that was not to be, actually. Let’s just chalk that S-class talk up to a bit of overenthusiasm for the incredible level of refinement this off-road wonder has achieved. The steering is still a bit numb, although it is certainly better. You can crash the slick new air springs on bumps with the sort of rapid steering inputs you’d use in an emergency avoidance maneuver at 40 or 50 mph. During ordinary cornering sweeps, however, body roll is nicely controlled. Emergency Brake Assistance and Electronic Brakeforce Distribution lend great composure under heavy braking.

You could call it home: After a drive to the rugged west coast of Scotland and back to Dornoch in the east, Skibo Castle was a welcome beacon in the night.

The heavens emptied, and I drove hard, finding the Range Rover faster overall but still a bit sluggish. The dual-range throttle is mapped for on- and off-road use. On the low road, pedal travel is long, mushy, and somewhat vague; on the high road, you have to push through a lethargic initial pedal to get to the engine growl. And that growl is tamer than the X5’s. Says Dover, “There was no conscious decision to detune the engine sound. We spent a lot of time on engine and gearbox mounting, on the door seals (there are two), and on sound deadening. People think quiet cars are quality cars. This is the quietest 4×4 we can find.” Will Ford be replacing that BMW engine with one of its own any time soon? “Don’t hold your breath,” says Dover. “It costs so much, with crash testing and so on, to do an engine. And we’re very happy with the BMW engine.”   As were we. We were happy with all of it, actually, S-class whipper or not. We came here looking not for a luxury sedan but for an extreme off-roader with better on-road manners than its predecessor. We found all of that, wrapped in exquisite raiment. It’s modern, it’s roomier, it’s quiet, it’s beautiful, and it works like crazy. The Range Rover will cost like it, too, but you were expecting that, weren’t you? This should not be a problem, says Land Rover’s marketing director, Matthew Taylor: “One thing all Range Rover buyers have in common is money. They have money.”     They will need it. The Range Rover will hit our shores in June with a base price close to $70,000, topping out at about $80,000. (The first ones all will have the extra-cost bi-xenon headlamps, and a third of them will have the optional “contour” front seats.) Land Rover hopes Americans will want 11,000 of them by 2003. We’d call it a leadpipe cinch.

2003 Land Rover Range Rover Specifications

PRICE $70,000/$80,000 (base/as-tested)(est.) ENGINE 4.4L DOHC 32-valve V-8/282 hp @ 5,400 rpm, 324 lb-ft @ 3,600 TRANSMISSION 5-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, 4WD SUV EPA MILEAGE 12/17 mpg (city/hwy) (est.) L x W x H 194.9 x 77.0 x 73.3 in WHEELBASE 113.4 in WEIGHT 5,374 lb 0-60 MPH 9.0 sec TOP SPEED 130 mph

Originally published online April 1, 2002 from the April 2002 issue of Automobile.

The post AUTOMOBiLE Flashback: A Proper Thrashing: 2003 Ranger Rover appeared first on Automobile Magazine.

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[eddiejpoplar]

AUTOMOBiLE Flashback: A Proper Thrashing: 2003 Ranger Rover

DORNOCH, Scotland — Scotland may be cold in January, but at least it’s a wet cold. You can’t do proper off-roading without that extra bit of pouring rain turning the rivers to raging beasts and the forest ruts to bottomless hobbit holes. Scotland must be seven-tenths water. It fills the firths to overflowing, comes cascading out of craggy outcroppings in torrents, runs straight down every road surface on this northernmost tip of the United Kingdom, and has you whipping your windshield wipers into a frenzy.   Just bloody beautiful. Pass the Glenmorangie—eighteen-year, preferably. It goes well with the haggis from Dingwall.   The national coat of Scotland is the waxed Barbour. The vehicle of choice is the 2003 Range Rover. At least, that’s what it is today, because Scotland is where we are, and we are guests of Land Rover. In these gruesome conditions, we’d have it no other way. Gruesome is really the wrong word, based on our fierce love of gritty, off-road adventure. We like to plunge into raging rivers, pushing a bow wave as high as the car’s hood onto the far shore. We live for the terror of sliding straight down muddy embankments and into pools of water of unknown depth in the dark. We thrill to the challenge of climbing—wheel by articulated wheel—through ditches and fissures and crevasses and ravines.   We especially like to do so in Range Rovers, because there is very little chance that we’ll actually get any of those elements on us. Range Rovers always have been unstoppable beasts of upper-crust burden since the first was introduced by Land Rover in 1970. (This would be not counting the failure of the first-generation air suspension, that is.) Since then, there’s been only one redesign, and it was in the spirit of the first—a fresh turn on the original theme of fusty country elegance. The queen in a babushka. When Bob Dover left Aston Martin to run Land Rover, his extremely chic wife, Tracey, was overheard muttering into her champagne: “Goodbye, Manolos; hello, wellies.”   As it turns out, the skyscraper Italian stilettos got to stay, and the green rubber boots remained in the closet. This third Range Rover throws off its babushka, thanks to the brief interlude Land Rover spent under the BMW umbrella, where a key champion was Wolfgang Reitzle, then BMW’s head of product development. Reitzle finished the job when he left BMW and joined Ford in 1999 and led Ford’s purchase of Land Rover the following year.   There’s no mistaking it for anything but a Range Rover, with that clamshell hood, split tailgate, and upright, grille-heavy front end. But the overall shape is sleeker (not to mention wider, longer, and taller), and the xenon headlamp clusters are positively New Age, as are the functional front-fender vents. Land Rover chief designer Geoff Upex led the British team, beating out two BMW studios to win the redesign job.

Happy as a pig in the mud: Range Rovers are virtually unstoppable off-road. We proved it on the vast, privately owned Novar Estate, where it had snowed ten days before, engorging the rives and turning the hillsides to a beautiful slop. One hilltop on the estate revealed the dark majesty of the Scottish Highlands beyond.

Looking around the smart, new, extra-roomy cabin (2.6 inches wider inside), it’s hard to recall what made the last Range Rover luxurious, other than its price. Now, this—this is something else again. First comes the dash, a bold door-to-door sweep swaddled in thick parchment-colored leather, bisected by two striking pillars of cherry wood with a finish reminiscent of paste wax. The wood uprights frame the controls and display for the GPS navigation system above a pair of air vents, and pushbuttons, an analog clock (which magically synchronizes with the digital clock as it is set), and rotary climate-control dials are neatly clustered below. Wood veneer adorns lower door-mounted bins, and a huge cube of it surrounds side air vents on the outer dash edges.   “We wanted the look of a small Bentley,” explains chairman Dover. Land Rover never had an interior design signature. Now we’ve made it cool and chic and Norwegian. Or you can make it Teutonic by replacing the wood with metal.” The most prominent souvenirs of its Munich masters are the beautiful gauges and finely articulated switches logically grouped around (and on) the telescoping, tilting steering wheel.   A soft wash of light from two slots in the ceiling continuously bathes the aluminum-accented shifter and its two attendant paddles (one engages Hill Descent Control, the other engages low range) for easy location during night driving. A pale glow illuminates the door handles and storage bins. Two days of Highlands driving–one spent entirely on boggy forest roads and rocky hillsides, the other in a 200-mile pavement dash from east to west–made us want to pack up the Range Rover’s plush navy leather armchairs piped in parchment leather and ship them home for the family Suburban. Or maybe the family living room.

Hall of fame: The 2003 Range Rover’s passenger compartment couldn’t differ more radically from that of its predecessor, with fine leather, exquisite wood trim, and BMW-esque gauges and controls.

  It was like being in a fabulous Riva boat. Or maybe I was just thinking Riva boat because, at the moment I was thinking Riva, the road plunged down an embankment and gave way to a fairly rapid river, and I had to gun the Range Rover’s 4.4-liter BMW-sourced V-8 to carry some speed as I hit the water. We had been in Scotland about two hours, the first spent in a technical briefing held in a lovely, halogen-lit room with a beautiful wood floor, smack in the middle of a Royal Air Force aeronautical search-and-rescue base northeast of Inverness. Actually, the room turned out to have been built by Land Rover smack in the middle of an airplane hangar on the base. The sleek room’s far wall slid open, and there was our test fleet parked in the dark, damp other half of the hangar. It was the first of many reminders of Land Rover’s new battle cry: tough luxury.   Back to tough. Covering a goodly part of the sodden, private, 25,000-acre Novar Estate in a day was not a problem for a number of reasons. There was, as mentioned, the mighty strong 282-horsepower engine (borrowed from BMW’s own X5), subdued slightly by the extra weight of this much stouter vehicle but still more than tough enough for our low-speed needs. (Despite an aluminum hood, front fenders, and doors, the new Range Rover weighs 414 pounds more than the outgoing model and 550 pounds more than an X5 4.4i.) The ZF five-speed ControlShift manu-matic transmission has a dual-range transfer case that now can be shifted with the flick of a finger while on the fly, provided you’re not flying too high. The added security of Hill Descent Control is another welcome finger flick of a paddle away. At times, we were creeping down steep grades so slowly in super-low that I added gas.   Bigger news is Range Rover’s switch to a monococque structure—a huge break from the body-on-frame construction of yore. Bending stiffness is radically improved, as are body-panel fits. Three subframes cradle the transfer case and front and rear suspension systems, now both independent. The air-spring system also has been redesigned to pillow off-road jolts and jounces more effectively. It still has “kneel” feature that lowers the vehicle rolls to a complete stop.

This new Range Rover is 1.8 inches taller and 9.3 inches longer than the old one, with a 5.3 inches more wheelbase. Maximum ground clearance is greater than before (11.0 inches), it will tow more (7700 pounds), and it can snatch-recover a 12,000-pound load.   By late afternoon, the wind was howling badly enough across the barren hillsides that we switched heaters for seats and steering wheel and began the downhill battle. At the shore of Loch Glass, Land Rover had neatly parked a toilet trailer (with art on the walls and running water in the sinks) a large temporary glass house with wooden floor, cushy furniture, halogen lights, classical music, and an attendant who served tea and cookies.   “It wouldn’t be nearly as useful without the hidden bank of generators,” quipped Dover as he sipped his tea. Out of the woods at the property’s edge, we were hailed by three guys with Land Rover Defenders and power washers who hosed down our Range Rover, checked its tires for gashes, and sent us on our way to town. Tough luxury, indeed.   And then tough was all finished. We arrived at our quarters, imposing Skibo Castle, built at the turn of the twentieth century by the world’s richest man, Andrew Carnegie. Many stories surround this fabulous 7500-acre estate (down from 250,000 acres). But let me just say that you need to know a member (Dover) to stay there; a butler named James met us in the circular drive with a tray of single malts; a bagpiper played us awake each morning; black pudding (made of blood) was on my breakfast plate; there was a Burberry store in the dungeon, and they take American Express; and I got Madonna’s bridal suite. There were no lost diamond studs under the bed; I checked. The last thrashing we would give the Range Rover was the most obvious one, the test that has tripped it up for the past thirty years. We would drive it fast and hard, mostly on a single-track paved path through the wild Beinn Eighe national nature preserve along the 12.5-mile shore of Loch Maree, to quaint Gairloch and Poolewe on the western shore.   We set the navigation system (nice, but not as nice as the systems from Acura and Lexus) so photographer Tim Andrew wouldn’t have to guide me. I was really looking forward to this day and not just for the six hours of mouth-gaping scenery.   Dover’s boys had broken his golden rule: “Be modest. Under-promise and over-deliver.” Not only did they claim the obvious high-dollar SUVs from BMW, Mercedes-Benz, and Lexus for competition, but they got carried away and insisted that a Range Rover would kick Mercedes S-class booty as well. A beautiful, controlled ride at highway speeds on pavement has never been the Range Rover’s forte, so this would be some feat.   A feat that was not to be, actually. Let’s just chalk that S-class talk up to a bit of overenthusiasm for the incredible level of refinement this off-road wonder has achieved. The steering is still a bit numb, although it is certainly better. You can crash the slick new air springs on bumps with the sort of rapid steering inputs you’d use in an emergency avoidance maneuver at 40 or 50 mph. During ordinary cornering sweeps, however, body roll is nicely controlled. Emergency Brake Assistance and Electronic Brakeforce Distribution lend great composure under heavy braking.

You could call it home: After a drive to the rugged west coast of Scotland and back to Dornoch in the east, Skibo Castle was a welcome beacon in the night.

The heavens emptied, and I drove hard, finding the Range Rover faster overall but still a bit sluggish. The dual-range throttle is mapped for on- and off-road use. On the low road, pedal travel is long, mushy, and somewhat vague; on the high road, you have to push through a lethargic initial pedal to get to the engine growl. And that growl is tamer than the X5’s. Says Dover, “There was no conscious decision to detune the engine sound. We spent a lot of time on engine and gearbox mounting, on the door seals (there are two), and on sound deadening. People think quiet cars are quality cars. This is the quietest 4×4 we can find.” Will Ford be replacing that BMW engine with one of its own any time soon? “Don’t hold your breath,” says Dover. “It costs so much, with crash testing and so on, to do an engine. And we’re very happy with the BMW engine.”   As were we. We were happy with all of it, actually, S-class whipper or not. We came here looking not for a luxury sedan but for an extreme off-roader with better on-road manners than its predecessor. We found all of that, wrapped in exquisite raiment. It’s modern, it’s roomier, it’s quiet, it’s beautiful, and it works like crazy. The Range Rover will cost like it, too, but you were expecting that, weren’t you? This should not be a problem, says Land Rover’s marketing director, Matthew Taylor: “One thing all Range Rover buyers have in common is money. They have money.”     They will need it. The Range Rover will hit our shores in June with a base price close to $70,000, topping out at about $80,000. (The first ones all will have the extra-cost bi-xenon headlamps, and a third of them will have the optional “contour” front seats.) Land Rover hopes Americans will want 11,000 of them by 2003. We’d call it a leadpipe cinch.

2003 Land Rover Range Rover Specifications

PRICE $70,000/$80,000 (base/as-tested)(est.) ENGINE 4.4L DOHC 32-valve V-8/282 hp @ 5,400 rpm, 324 lb-ft @ 3,600 TRANSMISSION 5-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, 4WD SUV EPA MILEAGE 12/17 mpg (city/hwy) (est.) L x W x H 194.9 x 77.0 x 73.3 in WHEELBASE 113.4 in WEIGHT 5,374 lb 0-60 MPH 9.0 sec TOP SPEED 130 mph

Originally published online April 1, 2002 from the April 2002 issue of Automobile.

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