#five years of artistic education paying off at least

[balebeingbale]

my unexpected deviation into dramione fandom resulted in this

[dewdrops-whammy-bar]

Tenth Drink Free- Chapter 2

Chapter 2/10- Star Taglist: @skele-bunny @rain-loves-scallops @dewphomet

{1}

Second chapter let’s fucking goooooo In this one I’m gonna delve more into Dew’s mind, his backstory, and his (frankly awful) mental health. Oh and he’s going to jork his peanits in the shower. Warning for mentions of/allusions to self-harm and self-destructive behavior.

“You seem excited.” Rain remarks, draping himself over the back of the couch with a smug grin. Dew looks up from his cereal to glare at him.

“What gave you that impression?” He asks.

“You’re up before 10, you don’t have anything on your calendar for today, and you’ve got the closing shift tonight. There must be something going on that you’re excited for.” Rain counts off on his fingers. “Ooooh, have you got a date?”

(Read the rest below or on AO3)

“Why do you care?” Dew grumbles. “Looking for gossip? Wondering if I’m still single?”

“Oh, I know you’re still single. I’m just checking in on you. As a friend.” Rain bats his stupidly long eyelashes at Dew. “What’s so important that it got you out of bed at the ungodly hour of 9:24 in the morning?”

Dew knew the reason, he’d spent most of his afternoon and evening the previous day agonizing over Big Sexy like a schoolkid with a crush. He’d analyzed every word of their short conversation and picked apart every glance, trying to glean whatever subtext he could from it. THEN he’d had a particularly exciting dream that woke him up at 6. After about 45 minutes of vigorously jerking it, he’d given it a rest after his third orgasm. At that point he was too awake to go back to sleep so he’d just busied himself with various little tasks until he got hungry enough to venture out.

“Fucked my sleep schedule.” He shrugs.

“At least you fucked something.” Rain remarks, turning back around and plopping himself back on the couch. “I’m getting ready for class.”

“Well good for you. Enjoy your boring-ass lecture, I’ll be here writing music and playing video games.” Dew sniffs.

“Enjoy that, I guess. Hope you like that coffee shop.” Rain snips back.

The words stung a bit, even though they’re nothing Dew hadn’t heard- or thought -before. He’d escaped his small town by bus on his eighteenth birthday with his guitar and just enough money to get by for a few months. By the grace of some god, Rain was looking for a roommate in the area he ended up in.

He’d managed to get a job at Cloudy Skies by borderline begging Cumulus to hire him at his interview. It wasn’t entirely manipulation, he’d had a long day and had been rejected from five jobs in the past week. It was nearing the end of the month and his portion of rent was due soon and he was afraid he’d be forced to sell his beloved guitar. He couldn’t help breaking down when Cumulus asked about his lack of past employment. He still felt guilty for it, even though it was six years ago.

He doesn’t realize how deafening his silence was until Rain’s head pops up from behind the back of the couch again.

“I’m sorry.” The other man says softly. “I didn’t mean-“

“You’re fine.” Dew reassures him. “It’s… well, you know. A bit sore.”

“That’s fair. Sorry for bringing it up.” Rain sighs sheepishly. Dew just nods and returns his attention to his cereal.

He’d like to go to college, get a degree in music or music education, but he’s broke. His job pays enough to cover rent and groceries and medication but that doesn’t leave much left over to pay for any classes. Student loans aren’t much of an option for him either, he doesn’t have much credit and being in debt stresses him out severely. He’s scared he’ll be stuck working customer service his entire life, a starving artist overlooked by everyone.

The texture of soggy cereal in his mouth almost makes him gag. He gets up from the table and puts his bowl in the sink, heading back to his room.

The rest of the morning passes normally once Dew cheers himself up again. He even manages to snag the pedal he was after (granted, for a little more than what he’d limited himself to spend, but whatever). He then celebrates by parking himself on the living room couch with a family sized bag of Takis and a controller and dedicates the next few hours to Resident Evil.

Eventually Dew gets bored and wanders back to his room to get dressed for work. He finds himself actually caring about his outfit for once. He settles on celestial-patterned skinny jeans and a black and red button-up shirt. He’s even compelled to slap on some eyeliner.

He realizes halfway through the eyeliner application process that he might be doing this in case he sees Aether again. He groans, drops his makeup pencil on the desk, and leans back to stare at the ceiling. He was too old to be having a crush. He had more important things to worry about. He wasn’t in high school anymore, putting on his best “pastor’s daughter” act and fluttering his eyelashes at the football team captain. That guy turned out to be an asshole anyway.

“Come on.” Dew grumbles. “You are a grown ass man.” He knows the drill- be infatuated by someone for a few weeks, create an idea of what they’re like in his head, finally push down his self-loathing enough to talk to them, and be disappointed by how they actually are. It’s happened too many times to count. It’d only turned out positively once- with Rain. They’d fucked a few times but decided to stay as friends, much to Dew’s relief.

He picks up the pencil again and finishes his makeup. He almost doesn’t want to see Aether again. He’d just be disappointed and go home and sulk in bed and give Rain another reason to tease him.

But he has bills to pay and a six-stringed child to care for. So he hauls his ass to Cloudy Skies, clocks in, and parks himself behind the register. He just has to get through a 5-hour shift. He can do five hours, that’s like three runthroughs of his favorite playlist.

“Hi D-dew!” Aeon chirps with a wave. Dew gives them a nod and a brief smile as he passes them in the kitchen. Aeon’s the most recent hire, a bright-eyed (well, in only one eye, the other was blind) 20-year-old computer science student working part-time. Dew doesn’t like change so he wasn’t a fan of Aeon to begin with, but they’ve grown on him. They’re like him- a weird kid trying to carve out a safe place in a scary world. He’d taken them under his wing as soon as he’d gotten used to having another person in the shop. He’d almost torn Swiss a new asshole the only time he dared to mock their stutter.

Dew glances around to make sure Cirrus wasn’t around and pops in one of his shitty wireless earbuds. Some music would make his shift a tiny bit more bearable. The opening notes of Toxicity filter through the tinny speaker of the earbud and he sighs with relief.

The afternoon crowd of students begin to flood into the shop and he’s quickly busy making drinks and heating up pastries. Sunny joins him behind the counter to help, thankfully.

He’s so busy with work that he doesn’t notice Aether has entered until he’s staring at that glorious chest with- dear lord, his shirt is unbuttoned an absolutely slutty amount.

”Hey, what can I get fOr you?” Dew’s voice cracks and he inwardly cringes.

”Hi, can I have a, um-“ Aether looks down at his hand. Dew sees smudged purple ink creeping over the side of his palm. “Cold brew with hazelnut syrup? Large, please.”

The same thing as last time- Dew’s own recommendation. His heart flutters. Stop it.

He grabs a large cold cup and jots down the order- and Aether’s name- before punching it into the register. “Yep. Anything else?”

”That’s it, thank you.” Aether smiles and Dew notices his crooked teeth. Fucking adorable. Jesus, stop it. You’re on the clock. 

“That’s $5.06.” Dew manages to get out. He takes the cash Aether hands over, along with the punch card. The hole punch today is a star. The heart-shaped hole from last time taunts him.

”I’ll have that right out for you.” He tells Aether as he hands the card over and slides the cup into the queue waiting to be filled. He allows his eyes to linger for a second on Aether’s absolutely perfect ass as he leaves before he turns to serve the next customer.

Between taking orders and making drinks, Dew sneaks glances over at where Aether’s decided to sit. He’s pulled out a laptop covered in stickers and seems to be studying. He’s wearing glasses, much to Dew’s delight (followed by annoyance) and his brows are slightly furrowed. Goddamnit. Out of all the people to have a puppy crush on it had to be a customer. Fucking amazing, thank you brain.

When Dew ventures into the back to take his break, he’s cut off by a very smug-looking Swiss leaning against the counter.

”So.” The man starts. “Sunny told me you have a crush.”

”Well, she’d be wrong. I don’t have crushes.” Dew ducks under his arm and makes a beeline for the back door. How did she know already? What the actual fuck?

”If you say so.” Swiss shrugs. Dew slams the back door before he can continue.

He eyes the brick wall, wondering if it’s worth it to punch. He’s gotta get his annoyance out somehow before he snaps at someone. He settles for kicking it instead. It only relieves his tension a little bit.

Dew digs his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and sparks one up. The acrid smell calms him despite burning his nostrils. He hates the taste and smell of cigarettes but at least it’s something he can rely on to calm him. Vaping just doesn’t bring the same satisfaction- he’s tried. He knows he’s gotta quit but he’d just turn to other bad habits to replace it. He’s convinced himself it’s a form of harm reduction.

Dew grinds his teeth together. He’s thinking about his emotions again. He can’t afford to sink into self-pity again. He needs to pull himself together before he starts crying. He hasn’t cried in years and he’s not about to start now. Especially not at work.

His cig is only half-finished but he stubs it out anyway and heads back inside. A glass of water and a mint rinse the taste out of his mouth and he takes his place at the big industrial sink in the kitchen for dish duty. He’s glad he doesn’t have to interact with customers for the rest of his shift. As much as he’d like to ogle Aether, it’s probably best if he takes his mind off him.

He scrubs pans and mugs and plates and utensils and baking tools until his forearms burn and turns up his music. He estimates his playlist has cycled through about two and a half times by the time Sunny taps him out at the sink.

“Stop spreading gossip about me.” He tells her, a bit harsher than he intended it to be. “Swiss is gonna be on my case for months, you know how he is.”

“Maybe you should get off your ass and ask him out. It’s the big guy, button up shirt, nice piercings, right?” Sunny grins at him and flutters her eyelashes. “He’s hot. Might have to make a move if you don’t.”

Dew sighs. “I don’t have a crush. Yeah, he’s hot, but I’ve got no desire to date him,” He hisses under his breath. The little lovesick voice in his head wails at the thought of Aether going out with someone else.

“Sounds like someone who’s got a crush…” She whispers back and winks at him. “Cir wants you to clear the pastry counter, by the way. Enjoy the view.”

Dew doesn’t dignify that last remark with an answer, only takes his earbuds out and walks over to Cirrus at the other end of the kitchen. She looks up from jotting notes on her clipboard and rubs her eyes.

“Hey Dew. Could you do me a favor and empty out the glass display?” She asks while stifling a yawn. “Sorry. Long day.”

“Understandable. I’ll get right on that.” Dew gives her a two-finger salute, which she returns. His spirits lifted somewhat at the prospect of first dibs on the leftover treats, he trots back out behind the counter.

Aeon sits at the stool behind the register, sneakily tapping away at their phone. Dew bumps them with his shoulder as he passes.

“Careful. Cirrus’ll give you an earful if she sees you on your phone,” he mutters. “I swear, she acts like an overbearing mother sometimes.”

“I know. I w-would have put it away if I’d-d heard her footst-steps.” Aeon shoots him a conspiratorial grin. Dew blinks.

“You’ve memorized her footsteps?” He asks, somewhat amazed. “In three weeks of being here?”

Aeon shrugs. “I’m good at-t patterns.” They turn back down to their phone and resume tapping. Dew sneaks a peek at their screen and sees they’re filling out a Sudoku puzzle with frightening speed. He shrugs and lets them be.

The pastry display is picked clean, only a few crescent rolls and a lone muffin remain. Dew picks them out with tongs and places them on a plate. On habit he glances over to the corner where Aether sat- and still sits, to his surprise. He seems to be taking a break from studying, instead leaning back in his chair and reading a book.

Dew opens the warmer on the countertop and slides the muffin inside. He adds one of the crescent rolls after some consideration and shuts the machine. The few minutes it takes to warm up the pastries are spent wiping down counters and collecting tools to be washed.

He returns from the kitchen and slides the baked goods from the warmer onto a plate. He hesitates, takes a deep breath, and walks out into the seating area.

Aether looks up as he approaches, pushing his glasses up to his forehead with a tired smile.

“We’re closing in around twenty minutes.” Dew lowers his voice a bit, glancing at the few other people in the shop. “Thought you might want some leftover snacks. Don’t tell anyone.” He smiles and sets the plate next to Aether’s laptop.

“Oh, awesome. I was just wondering what I was gonna have for dinner.” The man smiles with those adorable crooked teeth. “Thanks for the heads up. And the food.”

“‘Course.” Dew smiles back, stomach doing flips. He sneaks a peek at Aether’s book- it’s a well-worn paperback with… two shirtless men on the cover. Well, that answered the question on whether he liked men or not. Dew actually had a chance.

He walks away to notify the other stragglers and wipe down tables. Aether only leaves five minutes before closing, waving at Dew as he did. Goddamnit he’s cute.

Dew has another cigarette on his way home to try to clear his head. He knows Rain hates the smell of smoke but he’ll shower as soon as he gets home.

The front door squeals as Dew enters the apartment, making him wince. He kicks his boots off, drops his bag, and makes his way to his room. Rain’s door is closed so he’s either gaming or jerking off. Dew fights the urge to just collapse on his bed. He knows he’ll never get up that way, and he’d rather not have aching ribs tomorrow from over-binding.

So he grabs his sleeping shirt and fresh underwear and drags himself to the bathroom. He’s out of makeup remover so he just rubs his eyes with a damp cotton pad until his eyeliner is gone. It leaves the skin raw and he winces.

The hot shower water soothes him. He closes his eyes as he massages shampoo into his hair and allows his mind to drift. It immediately goes to Big Sexy. He’s too tired to resist it- fantasizing would probably get the silly crush out of his system faster anyway.

He imagines Aether’s hands in his hair, combing through it gently as they kiss. How warm his lips would be, the scratch of his beard scruff against his neck, his large hands holding Dew’s waist, squeezing his chest, pushing his thighs open-

“Haaaaah…” Dew leans against the shower wall and tips his head back to avoid the spray. His hands explore his body- not as big as Aether’s, but he can pretend. His hand finally dips between his legs to find himself already slick and ready.

He pushes his middle and ring fingers into his cunt with a gasp. “Aether…” He pumps them in and out, imagining the bigger man’s fingers instead. The fingers of his other hand pet over his clit as he imagines Aether’s tongue in their place. Dark blue eyes look up at him through long brown eyelashes, fingers curling right up into that perfect spot, a low chuckle as Dew whines.

He imagines Aether pulling back and he whines again. “Noooooo…” Fantasy-Aether just grins, uses those big hands to flip him onto his stomach, and eases his cock into him. Dew adds two more fingers, moaning at the stretch. “Aeth- oh my god-“

Fantasy-Aether fucks him hard and deep, groaning unspeakably sexy things in Dew’s ear. Dew cums hard, thighs shaking as he clenches and flutters around his fingers. He sinks to his knees and braces his hand on the side of the bathtub as he rides out his orgasm.

“Fuck…” Dew mumbles as he washes off his hands in the now- lukewarm water. He’s embarrassed now- he just jerked off to a customer. He hasn’t technically done anything wrong, he’s free to crank it to whatever his dick desires, but he’s pretty sure he won’t be able to look Aether in the eyes for a good week. Incredibly awkward.

He gets out of the shower, dries off, and changes into pajamas. ‘Pajamas’ is pushing it though, it’s one of those T-shirts with three wolves superimposed over a full moon and forest that’s four sizes too big and boxers.

Dew returns to his room, hair still wrapped up in a towel, and collapses into bed. He’s tired from having emotions all the time. It makes him have to think about his life and if he does that too much he starts to spiral. A therapist would probably tell him to start thinking about his emotions and to stop smoking, but he doesn’t have a therapist. He’s fine as is, as long as he takes his meds. He pays too much for them anyway, he’s not gonna shell out another hundred a week for someone with a degree to tell him to breathe.

There he goes, spiraling again. Dew punches his pillow in frustration. As he rolls onto his back his eyes fall on the notebook on the floor next to his guitar.

He hasn’t journaled in years. The idea makes him want to laugh but… if he can get his thoughts out of his head and onto paper maybe they’ll leave him the fuck alone.

Dew drags himself out of bed and settles on the floor with the notebook. He chews on the cap of the pen tucked into the wire spine and hesitantly touches the tip of the pen to the page.

The next thing he knows he’s filled three pages, front and back. His handwriting is messier than usual- almost illegible- and he can barely remember what he wrote. Probably for the best.

Tearing the pages out of the notebook, Dew crumples them up and reels his arm back to toss them into his garbage can. He hesitates.

Instead, he opens one of his dresser drawers and shoves the wadded paper way into the back. It finds a home among his holey socks and empty deodorant sticks (he really should throw those out). He shoves the drawer closed a little harder than he really needs to. It feels good.

He takes his hair out of the towel and tosses it across the room. He’s too tired to put it into its usual braid, he doesn’t care if it’s frizzy tomorrow. Finally, Dew crawls under the covers with his hair still damp and goes to sleep.

Drop a kudos and comment on AO3!

[rozinaaa]

Thinking About My Career

I've been thinking about my career for a while now, pretty much everyday, in fact. I essentially know what I want, it's just a case of actually getting there.

After having spent my placement year exploring self employment and freelancing, I realise that I don't want to go down that route since there's a lot of uncertainty and instability, plus the fact that I have to also become a content creator with a personal brand, which is something I don't want to do, since it feels too performative and ephemeral. I also feel way too introverted to do it, and I feel that I work best when I know what I have to do and for when.

To be honest, I don't think I even want to work in the arts when I graduate (I know that the Google opportunity I posted the other day seems really tempting, but to be honest, at this point, I'd rather be a Software Engineer at Google instead of just an artist in residence for a year), since all of the opportunities are few and far between, and are all in London for some reason. Sure, I can just relocate to London (I've relocated for uni and that was bad enough), but the cost of living there is so high I doubt it's even going to be worth it, since I'd end up living paycheck to paycheck, and that's if I'm lucky to get paid enough to even be able to do that in the first place.

I've also checked for jobs in the creative industries in general, and the jobs on there are just a joke since it's either voluntary (because it's not like I need the money to be able to survive or anything /s), something not even related to the industry itself (wow, I'm just going to begrudgingly work in retail for the rest of my life since that's the only thing I can do), or just pure nonsense entirely, because creative people love to be different *rolls eyes intensely* and all love to live a chaotic carefree lifestyle like overgrown children, not.

I know that a lot of people tend to go on to do something that's not even directly linked to their degree, and to be honest, I'm essentially going down that path. It feels like I've outgrown the notion of wanting to be an artist, and rightly so, since the opportunities are scarce, everything's too damn nonsensical, not to mention that I'm essentially a thinking type, where I'd rather deal with facts (especially if I can just apply them to real life) instead of fiction and feelings. In a nutshell, I think I've outgrown what I wanted to be when I started university.

If I know what I know now, and could go five years back in time, I'd tell myself to skip the degree and go straight into work instead, perhaps gaining the all important experience and education from an apprenticeship instead, since I'd not only learn on the job, but I'd also get paid for it (instead of being saddled with debt, where I'd have to spend the rest of my life paying it off), and would also be able to apply what I've learned directly into the real world (in this case, the job I'd do), instead of just learning about abstract concepts and theories that hold little to no meaning.

If I did have to go to university or do a degree, I'd study at a university that would be commutable for me (literally just UCLAN or Manchester, and even they're an hour away for me) in a more practical subject such as Computing/IT, or at least in a subject where there are actually opportunities to do things directly with my degree. Even then, I'd reconsider my choices about whether a degree would even be necessary, since the overall concept feels outdated to me.

To be honest, it feels like I've just gone to university for the sake of it, since I was told throughout school and college that it was the only option in order to do well. Four years to do anything is a huge commitment, and to be honest, it feels like I've outgrown myself in that time, to the point where I'm just bitter and cynical with what I'm doing since I realise that it's no longer serving me.

It feels like I've just put my life on hold for four years instead, feeling as though I'm still 17, since to be honest, that was the last time I ever felt any progress. It still feels like I'm starting out, and it feels like I've been at this stage of my life for the past five years. I still don't have a job (doing an "apprenticeship" with some random company for a summer, and working in a warehouse for a year and a half don't really count, but at least there's an inkling of work experience to put on the CV), I still don't know how to drive (though I did manage to learn for five months before having to drop it to go to uni again), and I barely relate to most people my age, although I secretly wish I could, since that'd make life a lot more easier. There's probably literal 17 year olds out there that have all that (okay, they're probably learning to drive, but still), but I feel that when they reach 21, they'll be ahead of what I'm currently doing at 21, which to be honest, isn't much.

I'm at university, and it feels like I'm just spinning wheels, in a weird limbo phase where I'm neither here nor there, like I'm just waiting for something, anything, to happen, but not knowing what that thing is supposed to be. I'm just ready to graduate so that I don't have to think about being stuck in academia ever again, where I can just work and get on with it instead of just thinking about pointless theories and stupid hidden meanings and all that jazz.

I feel disillusioned, and I feel that the ones who skipped uni and went straight into work are probably better off, since they won't have to deal with a ridiculous amount of debt, not to mention the amount of experience they're getting to the point where they're no longer entry level. I was almost one of those people, if the company doing my "apprenticeship" could have at the very least taught me things instead of expecting freshly 18 year old me to just know everything with ever telling me anything. There wasn't enough time to be able to get onto another apprenticeship scheme, let alone being able to get another meaningful job when I got laid off through no fault of my own (turns out they just wanted to get away with cheap labour for a bit, not to mention that the company culture just felt blatantly sexist to me), and my only other option was to just go to university with the places that I managed to secure, since the other alternative was to just sit at home and watch life fly by, which is not what I wanted.

Going forward, I'd do an apprenticeship in IT, or better yet, just get a job in IT. One thing I enjoyed about the warehouse job (apart from the long hours and intensity) was that there was structure, and I was told what to do, which to me, seems a lot better than just trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing, pretending to look busy, since that seems exhausting.

Maybe all I want in a career is to have a set schedule (so in this case, set hours, a bit similar to 9-5 but adapted for a post-pandemic world, so possibly having the option to work hybrid), and clear responsibilities about what needs to be done, with realistic targets, since the last thing I want to do is stress over targets which I can't realistically achieve. I realise that open office plans don't work for me since there's just too much going on and virtually no privacy at all. A cubicle (as dated as it seems) would be nice, since I'd get my own definite space where I can just focus. In short, I just want to work the modern equivalent of a 9-5.

I want to work in IT/the tech industry because it's constantly expanding, intellectually stimulating (there's a lot going on, so you just have to be aware of it), can pretty much be done everywhere, and is in high demand, since literally everyone (and every company) relies on technology, whether they're aware of it or not. It's the way forward, and it makes sense since I'm also interested in technology, mainly through understanding how it works.

I'm currently working my way through the Computer Science course on Codecademy (I was originally planning on doing the one that Harvard offered, but it just felt too overwhelming, too academic, and didn't really suit my learning style, which is to be practical and hands on), just so that I have at least the fundamentals down, as well as being able to get a professional certification that I can put on my CV, since having a dated understanding of the subject from my GCSE days don't really count. From there, I can choose which type of career I'd want, and whilst it does make sense to use the skills I've learned from my degree (mainly in terms of visuals above anything else) to be a Front End Web Developer, UX/UI designer, or a Games Designer/Developer, I want to look at the other side of that and see what skills I can gain from there, so that I can at least become a well rounded individual that knows not only how to make things look decent, but also knows how to make things work efficiently.

So, that's where I am in terms of careers, and my only wish is that I could have skipped the degree (it doesn't feel like I'm learning anything, since the lectures basically repeat things that I already know about, and it feels like I've put my life on hold and got myself into debt for literally no reason), and gone straight into work, since I could have at least had a bit of a career going on at this point, instead of being sat in my room just spinning the wheels, essentially living the same day everyday, watching life pass me by, where I have the exact same thoughts day in, day out, but not being able to do anything about it, and essentially waiting for uni to finish so that I can graduate and get on with the rest of my life that I've been putting on hold for the past couple of years. I'm just so ready for this bit to be over, but first, I have to live through these days, which at the moment, seems like forever, but once I graduate, I'll be at home again, and free to do what I want. I know that I don't want to relocate, especially with the rise of working remotely/hybrid, which renders the option to relocate as pointless, but I'm sure there's opportunities that are at least within a decently commutable distance to me.

I know I can go above and beyond, and be as ambitious as possible, but I've dealt with reality, and to be honest, I don't really have the energy to be ambitious anymore, since I just want to get on with things instead of dreaming about things that'll never see the light of day. Maybe it's a sign of growing up, where I'm slowly starting to gravitate towards things that are realistic and can be applied to real life. I don't want to deal with ambiguity or vagueness, something which is so prevalent in the creative industries, because I'm scared that I'll mess up. All I want more than ever is stability, security, consistency, and absolute certainty in what I'm doing, where things either work or they don't, no imagination required, because I think that's pretty much dwindled, and I'm not sad about it either, since it's a normal thing to deal with when growing up and entering adulthood, not to mention that I don't really fancy monetising my creativity for that matter, since it takes all of the fun out of it.

[zorilleerrant]

okay so don't take this too seriously because it's just an aggregate of my impressions of whether or not people hate their jobs and what educational pathway goes in that direction. you should get as many other opinions as you can, especially from people who have been at their current job/in their current field at least five years.

first of all: college is absolutely a time to explore all the different subjects you're interested in and whatever you major in you should just meet the minimum requirements and try to get your credits in as wide a variety of topics as possible. but your major may matter depending on what field you want to go into, because some of them prepare you somewhat, some look good when people are hiring, and some help you build connections.

do not major in psychology or marine biology. those fields are so oversaturated and most people end up regretting trying to pursue that as an educational path. likewise, library sciences, museum sciences, art history, etc. just have no jobs available. unless you're really passionate about a field, you should cross all of that type of subject off your list of potentials.

if you're going to pursue art, like if you plan on making art professionally, then apply to an art school (if you plan to transfer? I'm not sure what your plans are). you're good enough that if you can get a portfolio together (get someone to advise you on that, because you need the correct proportion of technical and experimental pieces) you can get into a good school. if you can't get into a top tier art school, then a lower tier school is essentially a money drain and you should avoid that. likewise it's not worth it to major in art in a school that isn't specifically an art school. it will not help you get a job but it may make you hate art.

you probably should not go into art, though. almost everyone finds it's really terrible trying to turn their hobbies into their careers; they lose all the joy and end up feeling like they have no creativity left to spend on themselves. because as an artist, you either freelance and end up with really unsteady work that doesn't pay a lot, or you end up doing soulcrushing and mindnumbing design work for people who don't know what they want, but they know they want it to have no personality, and they're going to be disrespectful about it. like there are some career paths where people get to work on their dream project, but by and large you're probably going to be making boring logos for boring websites.

the trick is not finding a job you're passionate about, or that you believe in. the trick is finding a job you feel utterly neutral on, that you could take or leave, but that you're good at. something that won't take up a lot of your thoughts once you get off work, so you can concentrate on your hobbies. given that you like drawing/painting, you should look for fields that have shorter work hours, altho everyone's kind of looking for that so I don't know how well it'll work. I don't think you necessarily need one with a predictable schedule tho, depending on your art process.

an art minor is a really good idea for you because it will help you explore techniques and things you haven't learned yet, and practice under the eye of people who spend all their time trying to make art better. if you find yourself really hating or disrespecting a teacher, tho, you should try to get out of there as soon as possible or it will really fuck up your experience.

but try to pick a bland ass major that will land you a bland ass job and remember: people change their majors a dozen times their first year of university and you don't have to decide right away.

and dont say business or communications

[upsidedownism]

[ brigette lundy paine | non-binary | they/them | twenty-five ] —— it’s just another typical week in hawkins i guess — isn’t that right, siobhan mcclaughlin? huh, guess they can’t hear me over cloudbusting by kate bush playing on their walkman, but it looks like they’re headed to work as a cashier at bradley’s big buy supermarket. did you know shiv has been in hawkins for number of twenty-three years? yeah, they’ve been described as a bit blunt, but i suppose them also being adaptable outweighs the negative. i’ve also heard people say they remind them of shirts cut and made into crop tops, converse doodled with art and words, big jackets and backwards caps, finding comfort in science and resolutions, willing to fight for their family no matter what the circumstances, a fear of abandonment that they’ll never talk about, nodding their head to music over an open window to forget their problems… however, that could just be this weeks newest rumor.

character inspos: lip gallagher ( shameless ), maeve wiley ( sex education ), alex karev ( greys anatomy ), cristina yang ( greys anatomy ), kaz brekker ( shadown & bone ), raven reyes ( the 100 ), selina kyle ( batman ), beth harmon ( the queens gambit ), fleabag ( fleabag ), patrick verona ( ten things i hate about you )

full name:  siobhan tierney mclaughlin nickname(s):  shiv name meaning:  the lord is gracious age:  twenty-five date of birth:  november 12 place of birth:  indianapolis, indiana current location:  hawkins, indiana gender:  non-binary sexuality:  queer / aromantic pronouns:  they/them religion: catholic but probably agnostic now occupation:  bradley’s education level:  high school, bachelors in mechanical engineering financial status:  poor spoken languages:  english, spanish, french

there’s comfort in chaos, at least if you were to ask shiv, that’s what they’d say. there’s comfort in chaos and an older brother that exudes sunshine on a not so very nuclear family. but they wouldn’t have any other way. 

shiv is the second oldest of the mclaughlins and often feels like the most lost, but they’d never say that out loud. 

they had always known that they were a little bit different growing up but took that in stride, where kids were playing on the playground shiv was wondering what it took to make the playground... the playground, often coming up with their own grand ideas of how to make it better. putting their hands to work on things that could improve their life had always been something that they found joy in and wanted to carry that into adulthood. 

though by the time that they’re old enough to know better, that kids like them with big dreams won’t ever make it that far because of the lack of money and belief from teachers would be enough to crush a kid but never shiv who took the defeats in strides. their family was never meant to have it the easy way. 

they’ve always been a con artist at heart, making schemes to get somewhere in life, not to try and catch up with the people who already had it all, but just to get by. they used their brains to their advantage, earned money by taking the SATS in neighbouring towns for people, writing essays for older classmates that were barely making it by, stealing what they could, but always being genuine in their own work. 

teachers said that if they just stopped getting in trouble that they’d make it far. 

shiv danced to the beat of their own drum, embraced their weirdness, and explored their likes and dislikes. made it on the soccer team, tried band once and failed, but brushed it off. they were good in workshop, their hands always known what they needed to do before their brain did. 

shiv has had the same job at bradley’s since they were fifteen and it hasn’t changed even when they went to school, it’s a steady pay even if it isn’t much, and if anyone sees them stealing they don’t say anything. 

personality wise they’re a little aloof but talkative if you get them on the right day, very deeply loyal, intense trust issues, prefers random hookups, sorry to say shiv will never settle down with anyone simply because they don’t want to, they figured this out pretty early on when kids were getting crushes and people their age started dating. they simply don’t work that way and are at peace with it. 

refuses to talk about their mommy and daddy issues, why bother when you have a great older brother?? ( but seriously its a sore subject they refuse to think about it or acknowledge that they exist )

shiv helped with the rebuild of the town and the library with their degree, despite feeling stuck here they do kind of have a fondness for hawkins even if it’s kind of going to the shitter. 

wc ideas:

best friends -- shiv is very loyal and will pretty much do anything for their best friend and i mean literally anything 

smoking buddy -- self explanatory, probably will talk the person’s ear off about their pretentious taste in music 

fwb -- self explanatory, probably high fives by the end of it i hate them 

old friendship -- while shiv is loyal that doesn’t mean they haven’t accidentally hurt people in the past due to their nature of trust issues and fear of abandonment, they leave before they get left 

when i think of more i’ll add them adskjfnalsd

[mostlysignssomeportents]

How the IMF loan-sharks the global south

When you take out a loan or get a credit card, the headline figure is the “APR” — the annual percentage rate of interest. But anyone who’s ever borrowed because they were poor and needed money has learned the hard way that APRs are pure fiction.

To get the true APR (what economists politely call the “effective” APR) you have to factor in the fees, penalties and other gotchas that turn reasonable seeming interest rates into perennial, inescapable debt-traps.

Take student debt. During the 2020 presidential campaign, we had a debate about student debt forgiveness, whose opponents frequently cited the “unfairness” of allowing people to “escape their responsibilities.”

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/04/kawaski-trawick/#strike-debt

In their telling, student debt forgiveness would reward fecklessness, allowing people who got the benefit of an expensive education to duck the costs.

Now, even if you ignore the farcical inflation in university tuition and expenses (for example, the 1000%+ hike in textbooks driven by ed-tech monopolists), that’s still a highly selective account of how student debt works.

Student debt is negotiated from a position of weakness and naiveté, which allows lenders to attack the poorest grads with incredible fees and penalties. “Chris” took out $79k in student loans in 1982. He’s paid back $190k. He still owes $236k.

https://taibbi.substack.com/p/student-loan-horror-stories-borrowed

That’s not the magic of compound interest. It’s the magic of loan-sharking. If you’ve ever used a payday lender (aka a “fintech startup” AKA a “loan shark”), none of this will be the least bit surprising. This form of usury is as old as Christ casting out the money-changers.

The payday lending industry didn’t invent these tactics, but they refined, automated and industrialized them, then they spent millions at Trump hotels and (in a stunning coincidence) all those tactics were blessed by the US finance regulators.

https://www.propublica.org/article/trump-inc-podcast-payday-lenders-spent-1-million-at-a-trump-resort-and-cashed-in

The normalization of loan-sharking sent the entire finance sector into a race to the bottom. America’s largest banks saw their profits soar during the pandemic due to record overdraft and other fees — in other words, collecting fines for being poor.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/22/ihor-kolomoisky/#usurers

The sums are jaw-dropping. In 2020, Jpmorganchase made $1.5b on overdraft fees, Bank of America made $1.1b and Wells Fargo made $1.3b. The biggest rake came from the worst months of the pandemic.

https://prospect.org/economy/big-banks-charged-billions-in-overdraft-fees-during-pandemic/

78.3% of all overdraft fees come from just 9.2% of bank customers. At $35 a pop, these fees turn the banks’ overdraft facilities into loans with an “effective APR” of 3,500%.

Three thousand.

Five hundred.

Percent.

These are the cold, bloodless numbers of the debt trap. They conceal a vicious cycle in which those with the least pay the most, a cycled that can’t even be outrun in death.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/05/19/zombie-debt/#damnation

Take a moment to (re)read Molly McGhee’s Paris Review essay from May 2021, “America’s Dead Souls,” about her mother’s death. McGhee’s mom made less than $10k/year and suffered “debilitating depression while caring for aging parents.”

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2021/05/17/americas-dead-souls/

Her mother was haunted by two warring clans of ghouls: debt collectors who harassed her through legal and illegal means, and con artists who located her through databases of struggling debtors and tried to sell her predatory consolidation loans.

48 hours after her mother’s death, these blood-suckers switched to harassing McGhee, as she grieved her loss. Unlike her mother, McGhee had the resiliency and wherewithal (a credit card) to hire a lawyer, whose boilerplate letter reduced the debt by 90%, over $250k, poof.

If you can afford a lawyer, your parents’ debts don’t become yours. If you can’t, you enter a cycle of intergenerational poverty, with each generation sinking deeper into debt.

When you have nothing and owe everything, debt collectors know that they have to terrorize you into putting their bills ahead of the others. The cruelty is literally the point — without it, you might pay your rent ahead of your mother’s old credit-card bills.

To quote Umair Haque, “America is the the world’s first poor rich country.” an “advanced economy” where a sizable portion of the population lives in conditions typical of the global south.

https://eand.co/the-worlds-first-poor-rich-country-c411afc68539

Not for nothing. The same tactics that impoverish the vast American underclass also work to keep the world’s poorest countries — rich in resources and talent — poor. The loan shark here is far more powerful than a payday lender or even JP Morgan — it’s the IMF.

A new report from the Center for Economic and Policy Research dissects the way the IMF uses fees and penalties to trap the poorest countries in the world in unbreakable cycles of debt — fees that drive up the IMF’s notional APR to dizzying, usurious heights.

https://cepr.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/IMF-Surcharge-Report-2.pdf

Like any predatory loan, these “surcharges” are levied against the countries that have the least ability to repay. They target countries whose debt:GDP ratio passes an arbitrary line. For the poorest IMF debtors, surcharges account for 45% of all non-principle repayment.

These numbers add up. In Egypt, surcharges gobbled up $1.8b between 2019–24 — triple the cost of fully vaccinating the whole country. Small wonder that the world’s 64 poorest countries spend more on external debt payment than they do on their own health care.

In its defense, the IMF offers the same tissue-thin responses that any arm-breaker offers. The claim that penalties and fees are a way to “incentivize” debtor nations not to overborrow, and to seek their credit from the private finance sector.

But these countries are borrowing to pay off their debts — often debts that date back to colonial times, in which the rich (white) world mercilessly looted their resources and fomented destabilizing political divisions.

This undermined domestic resistance to imperialism and allowed kleptocratic, corrupt leaders to thrive — leaders who borrowed heavily to finance vanity projects, corrupt enrichment of domestic elites, and militarized suppression of opposition movements.

All of that was funded by debts, often from the IMF, who tied lending to the dismantling and sell-off of state enterprises, from power to water to sanitation — which is how the world’s poorest get gouged by the world’s richest to drink their own water.

These countries don’t borrow because they want to live outside their means — they borrow because they want to live. They don’t borrow from the IMF because they’re too lazy to ask a multinational bank for credit — they borrow because they can’t get credit elsewhere.

But the IMF has another excuse for this: they claim that the fees they extract allow them to originate more loans, creating a virtuous cycle. But as the report makes clear, this is absurd on its face.

The IMF went into the pandemic boasting about $1 trillion in “firepower” (that’s creepy-cutesey IMFspeak for “cash reserves”). Meanwhile, the annual revenues from these fees is $1b — that’s three orders of magnitude less than that “firepower.”

That means that the IMF could simply give up on these punitive fees, levied against the poorest people in the world, at an annual cost of 0.01% of its reserves. Literally, the cruelty is the point.

The point of all of this? The victims of usury are all in the same boat — in the USA and around the world. The same tactics, the same excuses, the same misery, from Cairo to the Caribbean to Cleveland.

Not all debt is created equal, of course. If you’re Elon Musk or Peter Thiel, you can get sweetheart loans and roll overs that let you avoid almost all taxation through the fiction that you earn no income, even as you amass hundreds of billions.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/06/08/leona-helmsley-was-a-pioneer/#eat-the-rich

And of course, if you’re a government with debts denominated in the currency you issue, it’s not really “debt” at all — the only way the US government can run out of dollars is by ordering its employees not to type more dollars into existence in a central bank spreadsheet.

Indeed, you couldn’t ask for a starker example of the difference between monetarily sovereign nations and postcolonial countries that owe debts in the currencies of their former conquerors. Venezuela can’t spend its way out of US dollar debt by creating bolivars.

Like McGhee’s mother, whose debts turned out to be fictions that disappeared as soon as a professional with credentials and access to the levers of power printed out a boilerplate letter, these countries’ debts are cruel fictions.

The powerful and wealthy can indulge these fictions or ignore them, as they choose. For example, finance-friendly politicians can insist that the “debt ceiling” must not be raised, for political purposes.

When the US declines to do the trivial data-entry that would make the money to pay its sovereign “debts,” the consumption that the money would have funded still takes place — financed not by the democratic state, but rather by a loan-shark.

National financial “prudence” interrupts the normal and benign process of sovereign money-creation, opening space for usury — private borrowing from the vampires and ghouls whose 3,500% APRs are redeemed through terror.

The cruelty is the point.

Image: Sbw01f (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Developed_and_developing_countries.PNG

CC BY: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

Image: А. Н. Миронов https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:%D0%98%D0%B7%D0%B3%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B8%D0%B5_%D1%82%D0%BE%D1%80%D0%B3%D1%83%D1%8E%D1%89%D0%B8%D1%85_%D0%B8%D0%B7_%D1%85%D1%80%D0%B0%D0%BC%D0%B0._XXI_%D0%B2%D0%B5%D0%BA.jpg

CC BY-SA: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

[beclynn-herondale]

In Another Universe: Chapter 9 - The Greenhouse part 2

(characters, tsc, and tmi belong to Cassandra Clare, it's also similar to the original)

After Hodge had fixed Jayce and Simone up, Jayce went off to shower and mysteriously disappeared. Isidore was sitting in his bedroom throwing knives at a target he had in there, when someone knocked on his door. He got up with a sigh, walked over and opened, there was his big sister, looking angry and upset, she tried her best to hide her emotions but so often they were written plain on her face.

"Can I come in?" she asked. He gestured her inside, it was often she did this, usually when Jayce made her upset, unfortunately Jayce made her upset quite often these days. "What's up?" he asked. "Jayce is nowhere to be found, I think she's avoiding us." "Of course she's avoiding us, we both have been picking arguments with her and you know when she gets into these moods, she doesn't like to argue with anyone, well not really."

"I did something stupid, and if she finds out she'll hate me." "Oh?" "I— I slammed Clar against a wall and may have threatened him." Isidore let out a whistle. "Why?" "He knows about me." "I know." "Wait, you knew that he knew?"

"Yeah, he figured it out but I made him promise not to tell anyone." "Well he did, he told me. I want him to leave, to go away and never come back." "Me too, but we're stuck with him for now," he said. "So do what I do my dear sister and throw knives at your walls while pretending it has the face of your arch enemy." "Why are you like this?" He shrugged

They sat in silence for some time. "Hey, Alec?" "Yeah?" "What do you think will happen with Clar when mom and dad get back?". "I don't know," said Alec. "I suppose if he asks for a place to stay, they would have to let him, since he's a Shadowhunter and it would be technically against the law to turn him away."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. So I guess we're stuck with him." "Yeah," she said bitterly. "Maybe he'll grow on us." "Maybe not." "Well, for now we gotta put up with him," he said. "I am tired, so unless you plan to sleep on my floor, cause I do not intend to share my bed, you should go to your own bed and try to sleep a little." "Yeah," she said half heartedly. "Give Jayce time, let her cool off from everything that happened." "You're probably right." "Of course I am," he said, and winked at her.

——————

Jayce opened the door, she took in the familiar smell of the plants, the smell of earth and the sweet smell of the flowers. She looked behind her and saw a look of awe on Clar's face. "Wow," he said, very slowly. "It's so... So beautiful at night." She grinned at him. "And we have it to ourselves. Alec and Iz don't dare coming here, they have allergies."

"What kind of flowers are these?" asked Clar, pointing at one of the shrubs. She shrugged and sat down. "I don't know. Do you think I pay attention in botany class? I am not going to be an archivist. I do not need to learn these things." she may have been slightly lying about not paying attention in botany class. "You just need to have all the knowledge of killing things?" She smiled at him again. "Exactly right," she said as she pulled a napkin wrapped sandwich out if the paper bag. "I also happen to make a badass cheese sandwich. Here ya go." She handed it to him. He smiled at her and sat down across from her.

Jayce pulled some apples, a chocolate bar that had nuts and fruit in it, and a bottle of water out of the bag as well. "Not bad," said Clar admiringly. She pulled her bone-handled knife out of her pocket, Alec had given it to her forever ago. She picked up one of the apples and started carving them into eighths. "It may not be birthday cake," she said, handing him slice. "But hopefully it is at least better than nothing at all.". "I was expecting nothing, so thank you." he said and took bite of the apple piece.

"Everyone should get something on their birthday," she said as she started peeling another apple. "Birthdays are special. My birthday was the one day of the year my father said I could do or have anything I wanted to." "Anything?" he asked with a laugh, his laugh was different from other's laughs. "What kind of anything are we talking here?"

"Well, when I was five, I asked if I could take a spaghetti bath.". "He said no, right?" "No, that's the thing. He let me, he said it wasn't expensive, if that was what I wanted? He had servants fill a bath with boiling water and spaghetti noodles, and after it cooled down enough. . ." she gave a shrug. "I took a bath in it."

"And how was that?'. "Very slippery.". "I am sure." He looked to be in thought for a moment. "Did you ask for anything else?". "Weapons, pretty much," she answered. "Which probably isn't a surprise. Books. I read many books on my own.'. "You didn't go to school?" They were heading to a topic she did not want to venture down. "No," she said slowly.

"But what about friends—" "I didn't have any," she said. "It didn't matter, it had always just been me and my father. He was all I ever needed.". "None at all?" She met his eyes with a steady look. "When I first met Alec," she said. "I was ten years old, that was the first time I'd ever met another person my age. She was the first friend I ever had."

He looked down now. He looked sad and sorry for her. "Don't feel sorry for me," she said. "He gave me the best training, the best education. He took me to see all kinds of places. London. Saints Petersburg. Egypt. We traveled a lot. I've barely left New York at all since he died.". "You're so lucky," Clar said. "I've never left New York. My mom wouldn't even let me go on field trips. I suppose I know why now, though.". "She was probably afraid you'd freak? And start seeing demons in museums?.". "Are there demons in museums?". "I was just kidding," she said and gave him a shurg. "If there were, I am sure someone would have mentioned it."

"I think she just didn't want me to be too far away from her. She changed after my dad died." Jayce raised her eyebrow at him. "Do you remember your father, at all?". "No. He died before I was born.". "You're lucky," she said, she could hear the loneliness in her own voice. "You don't have to miss him, I mean.". "Does it ever go away?" he asked. "Missing your father, I mean?" She didn't answer him, but no it didn't. "You thinking about your mother?". "No. I was thinking about Luke.". "That's not actually his name though," she said and took a bite of apple. "I have actually thought about him. His behavior just doesn't add—". "He's acting like a coward," said Clar bitterly. "You were there, you heard what he said. He won't go against Valentine. Not even if it's for my mother."

"I don't think that's exactly—" The bells started ringing. "Midnight," said Jayce, she set her knife down and got to her feet, she held her hand out to help him up. "Watch." She could feel Clar beside her, but she didn't look at him. She stared at the medianox flowers. She didn't know why she didn't look at him. She recalled the first she had ever saw the flowers bloom. Hodge had woken her, Alec and Iz up at midnight to watch them bloom. She was in the middle between Alec and Iz. The flowers usually only grew in Idris.

She remembered catching her breath at the surprise and beauty of the flower. Alec and Isidore had not had the same reaction, Alec had never been a night person and had fallen asleep against Isidore's shoulder. and Isidore lost interest after he found out it had no lethal uses. She worried perhaps, Clar would be the same: find them interesting, perhaps pleased. But not be enchanted by them.

She wanted him to feel the way she had about the flowers. But she couldn't say why exactly. Then she heard him say a soft "Oh!" As the flower bloomed, opening up, and shimmering with it's golden pollen. "Do the flowers bloom every night?" "Yes, but only at midnight."

She felt relief wash over her. And looked at him, his eyes shining, his fingers flexing unconsciously, they did this she had started to notice when he wished he had his sketchpad, when he wanted to capture an image. She wished she could see the world as he did: see the world as a canvas to be painted. And at the moments when he looks at her that way, as of he were taking her apart, piece by piece to be separated and painted. Almost an emotionless analysis of her — she caught herself on the verge of blushing. Such a strange feeling, so strange she almost didn't know it. Because, Jayce Wayland did not blush.

"Happy birthday, Clarus Fray," she said. He smiled at her. "I got something for you," she said and fumbled slightly reaching for her pocket, he didn't seem to notice though. She pressed the witchlight into his hand, and she was conscious of his hands, Artist hands, delicate but strong, he had calluses from holding paint brushes for hours, he had slight paint stains on his hands. And she wondered did his pulse speed up as well when they touched.

She supposed not, because he drew away quickly, looking at the runestone curiously. "You know when someone says they want a big rock they don't mean literally a big rock." That surprised a smile out of her. Which was odd in of itself, usually only Alec or Iz could surprise amusement out of her. She knew Clar had been brave since she first met him, going after Isidore into a closet unharmed like that took guts. But that he made her laugh was still a surprise.

"Very funny, my sarcastic friend. It's not a rock, exactly. Every Shadowhunter has a witchlight stone.". "Oh." He looked at it with a new curiousity in his eyes. He closed his hands around. "It will bring you light always, even among the darkest of worlds." That was what her father had told her when he had given her first witchlight runestone to her. What other worlds? She had asked, Her father only laughed though. There are more worlds a breath away this one than there were grains of sand on a beach, he had told her. She sometimes wondered about those other Jayces in those worlds, were they happy? Were they sad? Were they dead or alive? Was she by chance so different in one that she could be a boy? Would his name be Jace? And did they wonder about her? Were their parents alive?

Clar smiled again and made a joke about birthday presents. "thank you, it was nice for you to give me anything," he said. "Much better than a spaghetti bath.". "If you share that personal information with anyone, i may have to kill you." she said darkly. "Ok, well, when I was five, I wanted to go inside the clothes dryer and spin round and round," he said. "The only difference is, she said no.'. No"Probably because getting inside a dryer to spin around is very fatal," she pointed out. "But pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isidore were to make it."

She saw the petals were shedding now. "Then when I was twelve, I wanted to get a tattoo" he said. A strand of hair fell into his eye and like the afternoon he had fallen asleep she wanted to push it away but fought the urge. "Well, usually most Shadowhunters get their first marks at twelve. Maybe it was just in your nature.". "Maybe. But I don't think many Shadowhunters want to get a tattoo of Dontello from teenage mutant ninja turtles on their left shoulder." He had that fond look on his face that he had when talking about something she couldn't quite understand but interested her. It sent a spark through her veins. A kind of fear, but what fear? That he would one day go back to the mundane world and leave her behind in her world of hunters and demons, battles and scars, and do it gratefully?

"You wanted to get a turtle on your shoulder?" He gave her a nod. "I wanted to cover this scar on my shoulder that I got from chicken pox." He pulled his shirt up to show her, there was a scar, it reminded her of something but she wasn't sure what. But she saw more than the scar, she saw the freckles that he had on his back, his shoulder blades. She took the moment to see his eyelashes that were a coppery color, his red curls like fire, the curve of his lips. Some kind of desire swept over her, one she had never felt before, she had desired people in a certain way before, but never in this way. Not in a way that cut through her like fire, and left an almost nervous tremble in her hands.

She looked away and shook her head slightly. "We should probably go back down stairs." He gave her a curious look, his green eyes on her like he could see through her. "Have you and Isidore ever dated?" Her heart still beating too fast. "Isidore?" she echoed. She thought, what does Isidore have to do with this? Why mention him? "Simone was curious," he said, and she disliked the way her name sounded as he spoke it. She had never felt this way before: never anything that could unnerve her like Clar did. She remembered that day back at the coffee shop when she wanted to lead him away into her world, away from the dark haired friend of his, lead him away into her world of shadows. She had a feeling even then he belonged where she did, not with mundanes who did not know the full truth of the world.

This boy right her and his green eyes that pinned her to the wall like a butterfly, was real, so very real. He pierced the distance she had put up so carefully to keep others away. "No, the answer is no. Maybe a time the thought crossed our minds but we're like siblings so it would be weird." "So you and him have never—" "Never," she said. "He hates me, you know." "No, he doesn't," she said, wanting to laugh like a sibling would, knowing their other sibling so well that you knew when they were frustrated. "You just make him nervous, he's always been the only boy in the crowd of our group, getting the attention and now he isn't." It was true, Isidore being the only son the Lightwoods had, was always adored and he got used to it.

"But why? He's so beautiful, and talented, what would I make him nervous about?" "You are too," she said automatically, it surprised herself. His face changed, but she couldn't read it. She had told people they were beautiful before but it was always calculated. This was not, this time she wanted to go to the training room and throw knife after knife at targets, wanted to kick and punch until she was exhausted and bloody. This boy making her this way.

He looked at her not saying anything. Ah, the training room it is. "We should go down stairs," she said again. "Okay." She couldn't read his voice either, she was usually good at reading people but her ability to do so has apparently deserted her and she doesn't know why.

They started to make their way out when she saw something flash a light and Clar backed up bumping into her slightly, he turned around to her and the next thing she knew she was throwing her arms around him to pull him down and kiss him, she was kissing him. She was shocked by herself, she didn't work this way, she always had control over her body. It was an instrument, like the piano. It didn't move without her permission, never. Here she was though, running her hands through his hair and kissing him hard, she ran her hands along his arms. He wrapped his arms around around her and leaned down a little, he ran a hand through her hair, then ran his hand down her back, he smelled like citrus, she tasted the apple on his lips, somewhere for a moment she lost herself. Understanding now why kisses were described the way they were in the books. She was slightly unsteady and she clung to him, he held her weight. She remembered the first time she saw the midnight flower, and thought it was something beautiful that belonged in the world.

She heard a rush of wind, and drew back from Clar, to see Hugo watching them. She still had her arms around him and they were still leaning on each other. His eyes were half closed still. "Don't freak, but I think someone is watching us," she whispered to him. "If Hugo is here that means Hodge is not far behind him. We need to go" He opened his eyes all the way, and looked amused. Shouldn't he be more flustered after that kiss? But he was just grinning. He wanted to know if Hodge had been spying on them and she assured him no, but she felt his laughter through their joined hands and didn't remember how that had happened.

They made their way downstairs. And as they did, hands still interlocked, she understood why people held hands, she had always thought it was something like saying this is mine. But it wasn't like that at all. It was speaking without using words and saying I want here with me and don't go. Suddenly she wanted him in her bedroom, not in that way — nobody she had ever been with had been in her bedroom. It was her safe space, it was special to her, her sanctuary. But she wanted Clar there. She wanted him to see her for who she really was, not the image she put on for the world. She wanted to lay in bed with him and just be snuggled up together. Wanted to watch him sleep and breathe softly. She wanted to see him and have him see her. So even when they got to his bedroom door, and he thanked her for the night again, she hadn't let go of his hand.

"Are you going to bed?" she asked. He looked down at her. "Aren't you tired?" She felt different now. "I have never been more awake." She stepped up on her tiptoes, pulling him down a bit to give a light brush of lips.

Then at that moment Simone flung the door open and came out into the hallway. Clar pulled away from Jayce hastily, and turned his head to the side looking at Simone. She felt a sharp pain, like ripping a bandage off. Simone was saying a bunch of angry words. And Jayce thought back to all the times that she'd been kissing someone in a club against the wall or in a alley behind a bar. And their significant other or the person who thought there was a chance staring at them like someone had ripped their heart out. Jayce had always felt sorry for them, but in a distant way, like in the plays when they were acting out a heartbreak scene.

But now as she looked at Simone she realized she would never have to wonder what it felt like again. Because the look of regret on Clar's face as he looked to Simone, made her realize Simone wasn't the one going to get her heart broken and shattered to pieces. It was Jayce.

Oh, Jayce what have you done now, she thought.

——————

Clar stared at Simone with regret, he knew what was going to happen, something else was going to blow up, and so much had blown up today. He was going to hurt and piss off more people and he had already done that in these last 24 hours as well, he wished he could disappear.

"What the fuck!" said Simone. "Simone! I— I mean I thought that you were—" "Sleeping?" she flushed with anger. "I was asleep, but then I woke up and you weren't there."

He didn't know what to say, he should have known something along the lines of this would happen. He wondered why he hadn't asked to go to Jayce's room, and the thought of that made him blush and want to kick himself more. But the worst part is that he hadn't thought of it because he had forgotten about Simone.

"I am sorry," he said, though not sure who he was apologizing to or for what.

He looked at Jayce from the corner of his eye and thought she looked angry for a moment but he looked again and she looked as she always did: composed, confident, easy, a little bored.

"In the future, Clarus," she said. "It may be a wise decision, to mention you already have someone in your bed, we could avoid situations such as this one.". "You asked her to bed?" asked Simone looking shocked. "Simply ridiculous, right?" said Jayce. "There's no way we could all have fit.". "I didn't ask her to bed," he snapped. "It was just kissing." "Just kissing?" said Jayce mockingly. "How quickly you dismiss our love.". "Jayce. . ."

He saw the malice in her eyes as she trailed off. "I'm sorry we woke you." "Me too," she said and went back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Jayce had a bland smile on her face. "Go after her and tell her how she's your special girl. Isn't that what you always do?". "Would you stop that," he said. "Stop being like this." She widened her smile. "Like what exactly?". "If you're upset, just say it. Don't act like nothing touches you. You seem like you never feel anything at all.". "Maybe," she said. "You should have thought of that before you kissed me." He couldn't believe she just said that. "I kissed you?" She looked at him with malice. "It wasn't that great for me either, don't worry," she said.

She walked off and Clar wanted to run after her, mostly to shake her and ask why she is like this. But he knew that would fill her with satisfaction, so he didn't, instead he went back into his room.

Simone was in the middle of his room, she looked to be lost. He heard Jayce's words replay nastily in his head. He stepped forward but stopped when. He saw what she was holding. His sketchpad, she had it opened to the drawing he had done of Jayce early.

"Nice drawing," she said. "All those art classes are paying off, I see." Usually Clar would be going off on someone who was looking at his sketchpad without his permission but it wasn't the time right now. "Look, Simone—" "I know how pathetic I look going off to sulk in your room," she interrupted as she threw the sketchpad on his bed. "But i needed to get my stuff."

"Are you going?" he asked "Yes. I've overstayed here. and besides, mundanes really don't belong here, anyway." He let out a frustrated sigh. "I wasn't planning on kissing her, ok? It just happened. I know how much you don't like her.". "That's where you're wrong," she said. "I don't like flat soda. I don't like traffic. I don't like terrible boy band pop. I don't like math. I hate Jayce. There's a difference, see?". "She saved your life, you know," he said but felt terrible for it, because she did it so she wouldn't get in trouble with the clave if either of them got killed.

"Slight details," she said dismissing it. "She's an ass, like those girls in highschool we always avoided, because they thought they were so much better than everyone else. I just thought you were better than actually hooking up with one of them."

Something about that made his temper rise. "Oh, yeah. You're sure on a high horse," he snapped at her. "Talking about going to ask the guy with the best abs to the fall fling." He mocked Erica's tone. Simone's mouth thinned. "So what if she's a jerk at times? It's not like you're my mother or sister, you don't need to like her. I've never liked anyone you dated, but at least I was nice enough to keep it to myself."

"This is different," she said. "How, Simone? How is this in any way different?". "Because I see how you look at her!" she yelled. "I never looked at anyone I dated like that! It was something to do while I waited—'. "For what? Waited for what exactly?" They had never fought like this, all their fights were always about who hate the last cookie or which anime character was better. But he didn't stop, and wanted to again kick himself. "For when Isidore came along? You're lecturing me on Jayce when you have been mooning over him like a foo!' he realized he yelled it.

"I was trying to make you jealous!" she yelled back. "Sometimes you are so stupid, Clar. you can't even see what's in front of you." He just stared, what did she mean by that? "Make me jealous? But why?" He saw the look on her face and realized that was the last thing he should have asked. Bitterly she said. "Because, I've been in love you for the last ten years. I thought maybe I should see if you felt the same. But I have my answer now."

She might as well have punched him. He searched for a response but couldn't find one. "Don't even try. There are no words for you to say," she said sharply. He watched her walk away not being able to move, as if he were paralyzed. What was he supposed to say "I love you, as well"? But he didn't. right? She paused at the door for a moment to say. "You want to know what else my mom said about you?" He shook his head, but either she didn't see it or ignored it. "She said you were going to break my heart."

She left, the door shut behind her, and Clar was alone with everything that had happened in such a short amount of time.

Everyone hates him, he thought. He wanted Joan to be here so bad, at least she wouldn't hate him.

Tag list: @khaleesiofalicante @chibi-tsukiko @spotsandclawsthings @megs-readstoomuch @replayfootsteps @magnus-the-maqnificent @jazzkaurtheglorious @simply-ellas-stuff @bookfast-at-tiffanys @my-archerboy

[atendersun-archived]

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

FULL NAME. Mason Uri Thompson

NICKNAME. Muu 

GENDER. Male.

HEIGHT. 5′9″

AGE. 25

ZODIAC. Pisces

SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English is his primary language. Japan is secondary and verse dependent.

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

HAIR COLOR. Blond

EYE COLOR.  Brown-Green hazel

SKIN TONE. Fair, but with a pink, rosy undertone.

BODY TYPE. Mesomorph. His legs, back, and chest are the most muscular, while his arms trail behind as the leanest parts of his body.

VOICE. Is of average deepness at his normal speaking level, but raises when he’s nervous, or sad. His defense mechanism in stressful situations is to make himself appear smaller for safety purposes, but he’s working on being more aware of it.

DOMINANT HAND. Left

POSTURE. Somewhat arched. Having spent a lengthy amount of his time hunched over in an effort to take up less space as a person has had some life term effects on his posture. He does wear a bright blue brace for about thirty minutes a couple times a week to train his back to stay more upright, but he still finds himself slouching in the presence of people that unknowingly intimated him.

SCARS. He has a round shaped scar on his left arm from an incident with a colleague nearly from about five years earlier, so it has a lot time to heal to the point of being far less noticeable than it was when he first acquired it. There are also some very, very faded scars along his lower back from being unintentionally attacked by a dog as a child. He’d startled it when trying to retrieve a toy from a neighbor’s yard, and instigated a chase when he ran away. It was a small poodle.

TATTOOS. On the inside of his right arm is a tattoo is of very cartoony version of the character Oh from the movie Home. When he was very lonely, and down on himself, it became it his comfort film. He related a lot to the alien character of the film. When on a whim, he decided to get a tattoo, he knew he wanted it to be of something with a lot of meaning to him, but also something that would strike a sense of familiarity to those who also felt like they were an Oh in the world too.

BIRTHMARKS. On the side of his upper left leg, quite close to his butt in fact, is a small, circular mark with tiny, darker colored dots within it. If looked at the right angle, it almost appears to a smiley face. As kind of odd as it is, he really likes his birthmark, and the location it resides on. For a very long time, he held a lot hatred for his lower body for things that took a lot of counseling to come to terms with. Nowadays, he’s far too comfortable pulling down the back of pants just enough to flash his birthmark to people.

MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). In the sunny, warm seasons of the year, he tends to get freckles that scatter primarily across his nose and his arms. They cease to be noticeable come late fall only to reappear after the rainy parts of spring.

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝

PLACE OF BIRTH. From what he’d been told by his grandparents, he had been born while his father and mother still resided on a military base somewhere within the outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona. After circumstances leading to the questioning of his mother’s parenting abilities, both him and his brother were relocated states away to live with their paternal grandparents once their father released custody to them in order for him to join the Navy.

HOMETOWN. Verse Dependent

SIBLINGS. An older brother named Matthew who is about two years older than himself.

PARENTS. His mother is entirely absent from his life after a string of broken promises that she’d gotten her life together enough to be a good mom to him, while his father and him are just distant from having very little in common with another. They can hold civil conversations with one another when they interact for brief moments at family get togethers, but he still is far closer to his grandmother than he is with any other parental figure in his life.

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

OCCUPATION. Preschool teacher at a daycare center for children between the ages of 6 weeks old to 6 years old. He never imagined himself as ever working with children, because quite frankly they kind of scared him at one point, but he loves his job more than he would have ever expected.

CURRENT RESIDENCE. He lives alone in a very spacious home that was actually leased to him when the man knew the younger was seeking out a place to live after an end to a relationship. His favorite thing in all of his home is the very large bath tub. It is far more comparable to a pool than a tub, but he has not yet had anything occur where he questioned downsizing it.

CLOSE FRIENDS. All of ‘em. Every last one of them. He has been especially grateful for the opportunities to reconnect with Hisao @angstiism, Hannah @kannojo, Alex @dis--parity, Pchan @nvrcmplt​, and Yukio @silvxcs. Someday, when he grows the guts to meet with and check up on some old, familiar faces, such as Archer at @sonderrow, and Nicole @gamenu, he’d like to just listen intently in regards to where life has led them. He also is blossoming in the new friendships he is forming with new people.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Verse Dependent.

FINANCIAL STATUS. He falls somewhere on the back end of middle class, yet he doesn’t really mind. It is familiar for him enough that he has learned how to make do without having a lot of money left over. It is for the best, really, because he still remembers very much so the ridiculous amount of money he’d spent only on pudding and snacks many years ago.

DRIVER’S LICENSE. No. He’s terrified to learn how to drive, so he just makes do with either walking, riding the bus, and sometimes even riding his bike if he has the energy to do so.

CRIMINAL RECORD. Clean. He’d like to say he’s done some wild things that have gone untraced, but the most adventurous he’s ever gotten was the time he stole a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal from a store in the mall. He later went back to pay for it out of guilt, so even that one doesn’t particularly count.

VICES. The constant need to be busy doing something to give his brain far less of a chance to dwell on things he is not satisfied with dwelling on. Maintaining an active and creative lifestyle are very important to him. Otherwise, in the event he does sink to an unexpected low, he tends to build himself back up by indulging in activities that brought him peace as a child. Doodling, watching cartoons, buying random things online from things he watched a kid to boost serotonin. His latest thing is to actually read poetry. He finds it really enjoyable to see something on a page that artistically expresses thoughts he can relate to, and has since started to collect an abundance of poetry books.

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. He identifies under the queer label. He doesn’t really know for certain where he falls in terms of sexual attraction, since frankly he went years without even getting close to it, but he does know that he has deep feelings for all kinds of people underneath other categories of attraction. A more descriptive way of describing himself would be to say demisexual panromantic, but he prefers to use queer.

PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. Honestly, he really just thrives on fulfilling whatever role his partners request. He loves to care for people to immeasurable bounds, while shifting to a relaxed, or sometimes needier side of himself when the roles are reversed.

PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. He’ll tell you he’s a switch with a preference for topping, but in reality he is a switch with a preference for literally doing whatever the person he feels comfort and admiration for enough to get to that level with them in the first place. He does get a tad bitter when people make suggestions that he doesn’t have the assertiveness to be the dominant partner in those types of relations, and is therefore trying to education himself as much as he can on the overall process before he can even consider taking the reigns like that in real time.

LIBIDO. For the most part, very low. In his main timelines, he has gone seven years without going completely all the way with another person out of a fear of what could follow after that level of intimacy. He doesn’t necessarily have those same fears, but he does feel completely out of the loop in comparison to peers of his who have far more experience than he does. He is at least putting a lot of effort and thoughtfulness into being a more sex positive person, so in time he believes he will reach a point where he will have an average adult male libido.

TURN ON’S. Words of encouragement and affirmation, undivided attention, and playfulness are the primarily ones. Even if it doesn’t always sound exciting in its application, Mason actually finds it really helpful when a partner either verbally describes why and where they are touching him, or how they want him to touch them instead, because it gives a complete sense of clarity and consent. He’s admittedly very inexperienced and clueless, so being shown AND told are clearer in his mind than just being left to try and plan out his next move with limited reference.

TURN OFF’S. Dirty talk. Being called things like whore, slut, or other demeaning names while having sex not only turns him off, but it also really hurts his feelings even when it is jokingly implied that he is being labeled something bad. He also does not really like being referred to things such as little boy, bitch, baby boy. He doesn’t mind being called Baby when it is used to be an affectionate pet name, and he is so much of a sucker for being complimented on, that he’d probably not even bat an eye if someone playfully called him Princess. Just not around other people, because he takes his pride in being a top-man very seriously.

IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. His main two love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch, while the others typically fall not too far behind. He also really just loves the ability to spend time with another person where both people are doing their own thing together. Those moments when he can just glance over to see the twitch of his partner’s lips, or the squinting of their eyes when they get seriously invested in their passion are very meaningful to him. He is also aware that he comes with things that are not always the easiest to love, such as heavy subjects spoken only about in serious conversations, and in the days that are harder to get out of bed than others, so he tries to actively make up for it in the ways he knows how. He’ll often take over the bulk of the work around the house and yard. As a man with a little bit of knowledge about a lot of topics, and a lot of love to give around to make up the difference, he seeks to love and be loved unconditionally by putting in all of his effort to doing whatever he knows will bring the people he is dating complete happiness. 

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.  Here I am Alive, by Yellowcard and Way Less Sad, by AJR.

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. Learning how to play the ukulele, drawing, listening to music, playing videogames from time to time, and texting his friends.

LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. Right.

PHOBIAS. He really doesn’t have any of the same intense, yet irrational fears as he did as a young man, so it is a lot more difficult for him to pinpoint whether or not he has any remaining phobias. In some ways, the fears of rejection and abandonment still linger at the back of his mind from time to time. Otherwise, he would likely only become of just how terrifyingly ingrained something was to him at the exact moment he was face to face with it. Additionally, he does not hold any trust towards demons, and would scream profusely if he was locked in a room with one, but he refuses to admit that he finds them scary out of spite.

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. For the most part, it is pretty comparable to the self confidence level he had as an innocent, wildly curious teenager, and is a thousand percent better than when he was experiencing the complete lack of self esteem that came with the depression of his very early twenties. He still wrangles with moments of issues of self worth and blaming himself for things that he is slowly becoming to terms with being the result of other people’s problems instead of his own, but they are at least only on very few occasions. Saying he necessarily loves himself would really likely come down to who he is present with at the time, because in some circumstances he believes saying such a thing would lead to him being punished for reasons he might not be able to explain.

VULNERABILITIES. Expressing his feelings to people. He spends a lot of energy dreading the possibilities that can occur by him being anything but kind and happy around the people in his life. He takes no pride in thinking that he’d some way be passing on his troubles onto another person, thus making them take on part of his low as they go about their own day. Logically, he knows that the likelihood of someone physically striking him for expressing his emotions are low, but internally he knows why that sense of fear is there in the first place. He’d rather be a person who is openly loved and feels internally than be someone who feels openly and is not loved at all. It is very telling of his complete trust in another person when he cries around them.

[ryebread-sims]

The Not So Berry Remix

Do you still love the rainbow? Did you enjoy your Not So Berry Sims, but you want to play with some newer aspects of the game? Then, this is the challenge for you!

The Not So Berry challenge by @lilsimsie​ and @alwaysimming​ has been a staple in Sims 4 gameplay since 2017. Whether you were on YouTube or Tumblr, this challenge has crossed your path more than once. The game has changed a lot in three years, so in carrying on the challenge’s legacy, it’s time to try something new! 

Welcome to the Not So Berry Remix! New careers, new traits, and still the same loved ten generation legacy challenge we all know. 

Basic Rules:

Nearly copy-paste of the original rules which you can read here, but in case you don’t want to change pages, here they are!

Each heir must represent the color of the generation (i.e. hair, makeup, clothing), but brightly colored skin is not necessary (these aren’t actually berry Sims, that’s the joke). Of course, this is optional but a big portion of the fun.

The colors of the spouses don’t matter as they aren’t part of the challenge. Unless otherwise stated you can do whatever you please with them.

Money cheats can be used, but not excessively. Suggestion: use freerealestate for your first home, but no cheats afterward.

You may live wherever you please unless something is specified in the rules of a generation.

Every generation is supposed to complete both the career and aspiration of the heir unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Keep the lifespan on Normal.

The generations may change as gameplay changes, but as of August 2020, these are the generational rules of the remix challenge! I’ll try keeping everything updated!

Generation One: Seafoam

Science has been your life ever since you were a kid. From studying seashells to interacting with beach life, every part of your world made you more curious. Living a luxurious life on the lush beaches is just right for you. The perfect place to nurture curiosity in your own child and plant a few pranks on the tourists.

Traits: Child of the Islands, Materialistic, Vegetarian Aspiration: Beach Life Career: Conservationist Rules:

Master Conservationist career and complete Beach Life aspiration

Master logic and mischief skills

Woohoo in waterfall

Improve Sulani’s environment fully

Generation Two: Rose 

You were supposed to be a scientific prodigy. Instead, fashion caught your eye, and you want an empire. A workaholic through and through, family was never on your radar, but you love the one child you did have. You would give them the world if you could.

Traits: Hot-Headed, Romantic, Snob Aspiration: Serial Romantic Career: Style Influencer Rules:

Have only one child

Master Style Influencer career and complete Serial Romantic aspiration

Master charisma and writing

Leave someone at the altar

Get married for the first time as an elder

Generation Three: Yellow

While your parent never caught the science bug, your close bond with your grandparent made you appreciate science-- and the environment-- even more. From recycling to neighborhood cleanups, you want to be involved in it all. Yellow might be your favorite color, but you’re feeling green.

Traits: Ambitious, Clumsy, Green Fiend Aspiration: Eco Innovator Career: Civil Designer Rules:

Master Civil Designer career and complete Eco Innovator aspiration

Master logic, handiness, and fabrication skills

Have a Green Eco Footprint

Enter the secret lot in Oasis Springs

Never have any close friends or relationships other than grandparent from generation 1 until grandparent dies

Generation Four: Grey

Family, sports, and fun: the only three things you need in life. Especially, after your poor grades kept you from the path to professional sports. Instead, you enlisted in the military in hopes of becoming something more covert, or at least, you could become a military singer.

Traits: Active, Music Lover, Slob Aspiration: Bodybuilder Career: Military Rules:

Master Military career and complete Bodybuilder aspiration

Master singing, parenting, and athletic skills

Have three failed relationships before finding spouse. Marry a neat sim

Be good friends with all of your children

Have family movie night every Sunday

Generation Five: Lilac

Even if your family was tight knit, there were still so many expectations. You wanted to be an artist, but your parents worried that wasn’t a good career path. Joining the business career, you hope to make them proud. However, part of you was always pulled back to art.

Traits: Creative, Genius, Paranoid Aspiration: Renaissance Sim Career: Part-Time, Business, Freelance Artist or Part-Time Rules:

Master painting and two other skills of your choosing

Complete Renaissance Sim aspiration

Must live in at least three different worlds over the course of your life

Quit business as an adult and own an art gallery

Generation Six: Coral

Life was handed to you on a silver platter, even if your parents were always busy. Knitting is your passion, and you don’t want a full-time job or the family art gallery. No, life was for relaxing and not working all the time.

Traits: Childish, Lazy, Outgoing Aspiration: Lord/Lady of the Knits Career: Any Part-Time Rules:

Master knitting and baking skills

Only work a part-time job and complete Lord/Lady of the Knits aspiration

Pass on knitting to your child

Marry a co-worker

Sell your knitwear on Plopsy and make at least $2000 in total

Generation Seven: Pink

Your parent may not have aspiration and drive, but you were born to be a star-- until a failed audition. Ouch! Social media is the way to go, and you plan on making every fair-weathered friend that you can along the way.

Traits: Unflirty, Neat, Self-Absorbed Aspiration: Friend of the World Career: Social Media Rules:

Master Social Media career and complete Friend of the World aspiration

Master charisma, wellness, and writing skills

Complete postcard collection

Generation Eight: Orange

The cameras were always on you as a kid, and it drove you bonkers! You wanted a normal life. You wanted a way out. It was off to law school with you for a life of normalcy… But also a life of paperwork and cases. Only a small price to pay.

Traits: Self-Assured, Glutton, Bro Aspiration: Academic Career: Law Rules:

Master Law career and complete Academic aspiration

Master research and debate, gourmet cooking, and singing skills

Have twins, but only those two children

Must live in Willow Creek, Brindleton Bay, or Evergreen Harbor

Generation Nine: Lime

Education was a priority in your household, but you loved SciFi. Collecting voidcritters, watching the latest space flicks, and searching for aliens were your heart’s desires. You could only begin to dream of bringing that SciFi to life.

Traits: Bookworm, Squeamish, Jealous Aspiration: Nerd Brain Career: Engineer Rules:

Master Engineer career and Nerd Brain aspiration

Master handiness, robotics, and programming skills

Build Servo

Build a rocket (Sixam optional)

Collect twenty voidcritter cards during childhood and win three battles

Generation Ten: Blue

Life was perfect. A beautiful garden, a loving family, and a happy marriage. Your family restaurant is booming after you bought back your family’s old retail space. Your secret affair with one of the waiters can just stay behind closed doors. Your family had to remain perfect.

Traits: Perfectionist, Loves Outdoors, Family-Oriented Aspiration: Super Parent Career: Restaurant owner Rules:

Adopt at least one child

Master gardening, cooking, and parenting skills

Have 5-star restaurant and complete Super Parent aspiration

Must marry high school sweetheart who has the Foodie trait

Have one time secret affair with waiter

[dreamiehrs]

deskmates ➛ n.jm

genre: fluff, high school au, deskmate!jaemin, kinda strangers to friends to lovers, reserved!y/n

pairing: jaemin x you

requested: yes

note: this was requested by this lovely anon! I felt a string pull in my heart when you said that the reader isn’t a touchy person bc... I’m the same! so I was really excited to write this hehe o(≧∇≦o)!! hope you enjoy it! (gif credit: @minhaes​)

tomorrow is your first day of junior year and to say that you were nervous was... an understatement

even though this was your third year in high school and you should be used to it by now you just!! couldn’t contain the butterflies in your stomach when you thought about it

schedules for your classes had come out a few days ago and you had immediately checked to see if you had any friends in your classes

unfortunately... you didn’t TT

at least you had lunch with all of them though ( ᵕ̤ ‧̫̮ ᵕ̤ )

you spend the rest of the day buying school supplies because you’re... that person

but all of the supplies you buy are really adorable so that’ll motivate you to get your homework done!! and to study!! get on your game y/n

anyways, tomorrow finally comes and you’re super close to pretending you’re sick so you don’t have to go but... you have to get that education ya know?

sophomore bestie jisung picks you up and can see that you’re about five minutes from bawling

he just pats your back and says: “get it together, y/n. it won’t be that bad. I can’t believe I’m a year younger than you and telling you this right now.”

“okay okay, thanks jisungie.” you focus on your breathing during the ride and eventually, you calm down thanks to your friend’s words

“no prob,” he mumbles under his breath and hands you the aux cord “wanna play something to cheer yourself up?”

you excitedly nod and plug the cord into your phone, jamming out on your way there

you guys arrive and when you walk in you meet up with your besties!! aka the dream team as you guys called yourselves

your friend group consisted of ballet dancer and artist huang renjun, soccer player lee donghyuck, ice skater park jisung, boxer lee jeno, and pianist zhong chenle

your conversation is filled with laughter as you guys walk each other to your classes and luckily, you, renjun, and donghyuck are all on the same hall for homeroom

they speedily walk you in your homeroom and you go to wave bye to them but they’re already gone

...such good friends (;¬_¬)

you scan the room for empty seats and see two right next to each other on the far left, middle row and you make your way towards them

you sit down in the desk closest to the window and rest your head on your palm, waiting for the bell to ring

you almost doze off until you hear an angelic voice from beside you “excuse me?”

you flinch to the max and turn your head to the right to see a smiley boy standing to the desk beside you

“y-yes?” you stutter out and you mentally slap yourself in the face

his grin grows wider at your bewildered state and you feel your eyes go wide in embarrassment

“is this seat taken?”

you shake your head side to side, not willing to talk anymore after reacting like a fool

he takes no time to put his bookbag beside his now desk and situating himself in his seat before resting his head on his palm like you were once before; staring at your face like he’ll never get tired of it

“what’s your name?” he softly questions you

he can see the blush on your cheeks and how you’re quietly jumping your leg up and down, but he doesn’t pay too much attention to it as you catch his attention once again by moving your hair out of your face

“my name’s y/f/l/n. what’s yours?”

“I’m na jaemin. it’s nice to meet you.” he emphasizes ‘you’ in his second sentence and outstretches his hand towards you

“likewise.” you glance at his hand nervously before taking it in yours, giving it a firm shake

you two retract hands and you visibly cringe about how clammy yours was

while jaemin’s were... soft, warm, safe

his chuckle rings in your ear and you peer up at him “what?”

“your hands are very clammy.”

this was your face right now: (๑･▱･๑)

you dearly wished for one of your friends to save you from this class TT

jaemin didn’t sense your dilemma and kept on driving you mad instead: “are you nervous?”

“yeah... even though I’m a junior the first day never fails to give me jitters.”

his ears seemed to perk up when he heard the word junior “oh? you’re a junior as well?”

“yes I am... wait a second...” you take a good look at his face before continuing “were you in my sociology class last year?”

“I was!! I sat all the way in the back. you?”

you wrack your brain and you can see him in your mind... sitting in the back, occasionally talking to the person beside him... always asking the teacher questions

wow, this was unexpected

“I sat in the very front. woah, that’s crazy.”

the bell had finally rung for the class to start, and he gestured for you to come closer and whispered: “I thought you looked familiar when I walked in. all the more to get to know you, right?”

you had a hard time paying attention to the teacher after that interaction

after homeroom, you may have bolted out of that classroom as fast as you could, not hearing jaemin suggesting to walk you to your next class

you clashed into renjun and he could just see your expression and wondered... what happened??

you started rambling incoherent things and he just looked at you like you lost your mind... he decides that this isn’t the best place to discuss things and wraps his arm around your shoulder before pulling you along somewhere else

meanwhile, jaemin just watches all this by his locker, unknown to you and renjun

you only have enough time to mention to renjun that a boy sat beside you in your class before you have to head to your next class but he looks... kind of angry? more like peeved

he looks like he’s ready to fight jaemin tbh

renjun was pretty protective of you and the rest of the dream team... so if anyone was causing you trouble he’d be right beside you, ready to deck them out

time skip to lunch!! finally, you get to see all your friends (^-^*)/

except, you have an additional person seated at your regular table and that person is... you guessed it! na jaemin

you quietly grumbled as you plopped down between jisung and renjun

they give you a concerned glance and jisung opts to ruffle your hair to try to make you feel better

it’s not like you disliked jaemin or anything it’s just... this morning he made your heart kind of... explode... it’s not like you have a crush on him or anything... you barely even know the guy

“y/n! my new friend! how’s your classes?” jaemin removes you from your moping, you glance up at him with a fry sticking out of your mouth

you hear jisung chuckle and you gently slap his shoulder

“they’re good. except, I don’t have any of my besties in them.” you pout as you look at your friends at the table

jaemin mimics you, and you hear renjun cough from your right side

“are you okay? I’ll grab you some more napkins.” jaemin leaves the table and renjun looks at you pointedly

“...is that the guy that sat beside you in your homeroom?”

“yeah.” you answer back before picking up another fry and tossing it in your mouth

“oh, I invited him to our table because he’s in my history class.” jeno speaks up from beside jisung “is that okay?”

“n-”

“yeah! it’s fine!” you squeak out, interrupting renjun who just grumbled beside you. you rested your hand on his head before ruffling his hair like crazy, him swatting at your arm in an attempt to make you stop

the rest of the day went by in a blur, and as the week went by, you learned more and more about your deskmate, jaemin

the two of you would text every day, sharing things you found hilarious, talking about your days, and gossiping

renjun was protective as always, but after a while, he got used to jaemin and his front slowly faded

he quickly became part of your friend group and to be honest, it felt like he was always meant to be there, you know?

if you had met him sooner, you would’ve totally introduced him to the guys earlier

the two of you would sometimes abandon the rest of the dream team to go on your own adventures, which consisted of going shopping, watching the stars, stuffing your faces, and/or hanging out each other’s houses

...and yes, sometimes you would give in to letting jaemin cuddle you because he begged you so much, although you weren’t a really touchy person to begin with

your hangouts with him were all careless fun until renjun pointed out to you one day ―

“I think jaemin has a crush on you.”

your brain immediately went on lockdown when those words slipped out of his mouth

“injunnie, that’s not possible. we’re just good friends.”

“friends who hang out 24/7 and can’t seem to get enough of each other?”

you roll your eyes at him. “as if. he probably sees me as his little sister or something.”

he lightly slaps the back of your head. “do you know how ridiculous you sound right now? don’t act like you don’t see the stars in his eyes when he gazes at you.”

“injunnie, don’t rope me into your romantic fantasies.”

“just see for yourself, then.”

after that convo with injun, you couldn’t stop thinking about what he said... no, no. jaemin looked at you like any other friend, not in a gushy, special way

jaemin was already a touchy person as he is, but when he was around you, he seemed to get even clingier

obviously it was something you would have to get used to, but whenever he touched you, you could feel a warmness spread throughout your stomach

....y/n, no. you don’t like jaemin. you would say to yourself

but as the weeks passed by, you found it hard to believe that you don’t like him romantically

“y/n! y/n! how about this movie?” jaemin snapped you out of your thoughts as he hung out at your house one day after school

you took a quick glance at his phone before mumbling “sure.”

you could hear him huff beside you and you glanced at him to see a pout playing on his lips

“what’s wrong?”

“I just feel like you haven’t been interested in anything I’ve been saying today...”

you feel your heartache as he peers at you, trying to search your eyes for a hint on how you feel. “that isn’t true, jaem, I―”

“no, it is true, y/n. something’s been bothering you recently, something big.”

you just stayed silent, proving jaemin right. you look down at the bed underneath you, not wanting to look into said boy’s eyes beside you because if you did, your heart would be gone for good

the two of you stay like this for a while, him gently playing with your hair when you finally decide to speak up. “jaem, I―” you glance at him and he nods before you continue “I think I have a crush on someone..”

he just hums at your confession and you turn to look at him, but his smile is sweet as ever as he looks off into the distance, pondering

you take his silence to explain more in-depth. “I’ve only been best friends with him for a month or two, however, he’s extremely important to me. he’s shown me many new experiences, and at this rate, I would say that my feelings for him undermine the word crush. it’s love, jaem, and I don’t know what to do with these feelings anymore.”

“are you comfortable enough with them to confess your feelings?”

“...I don’t know... I feel like I just did.”

to your surprise, jaemin’s face turns bright red. “a-are you saying that I’m the person you love?”

“yes, jaemin. I’m in love with you.”

you hide your face with your hands and you can hear him moving beside you, which tempts you to peak out from your fingers

he has a heartwarming smile on his face as he opens his arms

you inch closer to him and he gives you a bear hug, holding so tight onto you that you can hear his pounding heartbeat against his chest

“I’m in love with you too, y/n. I’ve been since the first day of junior year.”

you feel your cheeks grow hot as you nuzzle your head into his shoulder

so after this, it’s safe to say that jaemin never fails to give you a heart attack every time he touches you or whispers something sweet into your ear

the next day at school, he drives you to school and you guys walk in, your fingers interlaced as the rest of the dream team look at you two like you’ve grown another head

“what did I say, y/n?” renjun asks with a big smirk on his face and you roll your eyes before a smile reaches your face

“wait, what did he say?” jaemin whispers beside you

“ahem, more importantly, if you ever hurt y/n, you’re going to get messed up real bad by the rest of us, got it?” renjun announces and the others nod their heads in agreement

“also, if you ever make her uncomfortable with your touchiness, just know that we’ll be banging on your door.” jeno states and the others hum along with him

“I understand. and besides, I’m pretty sure y/n is used to my clinginess by now, right, y/n?”

he squeezes your hand and you feel your veins fill with excitement at his touch

you giggle before squeezing his hand back. “right.”

[adventuresinwonderlust]

Title: Big Brother- “The New Kid” Part 2

Pairing: Yoongi x OC aka Tessa Ft. Tae (Brother) Ft. Jin (Bros BFF)

Warnings: abusive language, slight bullying, fluff, angst, lots of cursing, slow burn/ build-up

Rating: 18 and over

“TESSAAAAAAA!!!!” I jump up at the sound of Tae yelling for me from downstairs. I leap out of bed and rush down to meet his call. “What’s going on?” I ask between breaths. “Check this out.” He waves me over, calmly now, from the kitchen window. I take my place beside him and peer out the window to see Yoongi in the backyard at Mrs. Mark’s place mowing the lawn. “Don’t be a creeper Tae. Is that what you hollered for? You scared me!” I punch his arm. “She hired help,” Tae looks over at me like a hurt kid, “Why? I was helping just fine. Maybe I did something wrong.” I roll my eyes. “Oh god Tae. He’s her exchange student. I saw her yesterday. He just moved here; he’s going to be staying here. She doesn’t need your help anymore.” I open the fridge and find nothing to eat. “We need to do a store run.” I say to the back of Tae’s head as he stares out the window again. “Hello,” I call out to him, “Earth to Tae!” He turns to me looking puzzled. “So, like, he’s gonna live with her? That’s weird no?” “Why is that weird? She’s doing something good for someone in need.” I cross my arms and stare at Tae who looks as if he is solving a math equation. “So, he’s some poor kid looking for a handout?” “No, you’re just some poor kid looking for a handout. He’s is an educated mind in need of a helping hand.” Tae scoffs. “We should go say hi.” He suggests. “I introduced myself yesterday. Let’s focus on eating. We need to do a store run.” “You’re right sorry.” “Cool, so let’s make a list and get some stuff done.” I pull out a piece of paper and a pen. I look up and see that Tae has left. “Shit, Tae!” I call out.

I head out the front and towards the back of the house. Tae is leaning on Mrs. Mark’s fence waving to catch Yoongi’s attention. I see Yoongi appear at the fence stone face and sweaty with a black cap on backwards. He dries his face with his sleeve. I catch up and jump in front of Tae. “Hey Yoongi!” He nods at bright wave. Tae shoves me over. “I’m Tae, Tessa’s brother, she was telling me that you just moved here and will be living with Kelly. So, what’s your deal man?” I shoot Tae a ‘What the fuck’ look. Yoongi looks at me and then Tae, not a wink of emotion on his face. I chuckle nervously. I look back at Tae whose eyes shift from me to Yoongi. “Well? What are you a mute?” Tae looks at me. Yoongi licks his lips looking rather annoyed. “Mute? No. I just have hard time understanding your dumb down slang. I have no…uh…. Deal as you say.” He gives a small smile and I can’t help but laugh at his sarcasms. Tae’s face shift and I straightened up. He reminds me of my father when he’s mad. “Well Mandu, I’d be sure to not have a deal. I’m not exactly the type of guy you wanna fuck around with, get me?” Yoongi scoffs. “Mandu? That’s good. I have never heard this one. So…. original.” He looks from Tae to me and walks back over to the mower, starting it up again and moving back across the yard. I punch Tae in the side. “What the fuck Tae? You’re such an asshole!” I say walking back towards my house. Tae follows behind me. “Oh, I’m the asshole. That kid is a fucking asshole, he seems like he can handle himself just fine. You saw how he egged me on.” “Leave him alone Tae, I’m warning you.” I shoot him a mom look. “Now get ready, we are doing a store run!” I shout heading up the stairs.

Tae and I drive over to the supermarket in our moms old Rav4. Dad fixed her up and gave it to Tae as a gift. “Why do you think Mrs. Mark’s didn’t tell me about this Yoongi kid?” Tae asks suddenly as we park. “Who gives a fuck Tae? She has other things to worry about. At least it gives you more time to focus on football and getting that scholarship. That is what’s important right now.” He doesn’t say anything as we walk into the market. We walk around and fill our cart with the essentials for survival. “Tessa, Tae, hi!” Mrs. Mark’s appears and waves us over. Tae seems to straighten up. “Hey! How are you?” I ask. “We met Yoongi this morning.” Tae blurts out. “Oh, yes! I spoke with Tessa about Yoongi, and I have been meaning to talk with you as well Tae.” Just as she goes to explain further Yoongi appears with an arm full of things and loads them in the cart. “Oh! It’s my new friend, Yoongi!” Tae says brightly reaching his hand up for Yoongi to high five. Yoongi chuckles suspiciously but obliges. “Tae my friend. They have Mandu here. In the frozen section, I hear you are big fan.” Yoongi says with a smirk. Tae chuckles and looks over to Mrs. Mark’s. “Maybe I should come by during the week and clear the gutters. We can chat and what not.” Tae says to her. “Uh. Well, Yoongi has been a huge help already so, uh, maybe we can grab lunch and I can say thank you for helping me so much this summer.” Tae nods.

I can’t help but feel the tension rise up in Tae, twin senses. Just as I go to interject in their conversation, I can’t help but feel watchful eyes on me. I turn to see Yoongi staring in his famous pose, right hand holding his left arm. I make my way closer to him. “I’m sorry about what Tae said earlier. He can be a jerk sometimes. He means nothing by it though.” I whisper. He nods and looks me up and down. “So, Tessa, what’s your deal?” He teases. I can’t help but appear taken aback by his use of Tae’s line from earlier. Suddenly he bursts out laughing. I can’t help but join in, it’s the most emotion I’ve ever seen on his face. “We should hang out tomorrow. I can show you around town.” I blurt out. He composes himself and looks over at Tae. “Big brother won’t like that.” He points towards Tae. “I’m older actually, by two minutes, and fuck Tae. He’s not the boss of me.” He looks at me again stone faced. “Twins,” He nods, “I don’t know. I will text you.” “Fair enough.” I say. “Tae,” I interrupt his and Mrs. Mark’s conversation, “Let’s get home.” He nods clearly annoyed and we all go our separate ways. We drive back in silence.

After putting away groceries, I hit my laptop and start writing. I am off to a great start when I hear the faint sound of music from my window. I walk over to the other side of my room and sit at my vanity. I lean down into the window sill to try and see into Yoongi’s window. I can hear the music better and immediately know it’s coming from his piano. “You hear Picasso over there?” I hear Tae from my bedroom door. I lift my head slowly and shake my head. “You’re an idiot Tae. Good thing you don’t need a brain for football.” I respond. “What? You don’t seriously like that kid Tess? He’s a weirdo.” He says, plopping down on my bed. “Why,” I shrug, “He is just getting acclimated to a new everything, you on the other hand, are a fool who has no clue that Picasso was an artist not a pianist.” My phone vibrates. ‘Ok stalker. Tomorrow.’ The unsaved number says. I look over to Yoongi’s window to catch him waving at me and then walking away. “I need the Rav4 for tomorrow.” I blurt out. “Uh. Uh. I’m meeting Jin tomorrow.” He shakes his head. “Ok, so tell him to pick you up in the morning.” I argue. “What do you need it for?” He inquires. “Do I ask why you need the car Tae?” “It’s my fucking car!” He shouts. I scoff. Suddenly an idea pops into my head. “Mrs. Mark’s asked if I could take Yoongi out tomorrow. I feel bad but I guess I’ll have to tell her no.” I sigh. Tae’s expression changes. “Really? Sheesh. Alright Tess. Maybe she needs a break from that kid already.” “Maybe,” I reply, “So, you’ll lend it to me? Have Jin come get you?” “Yes, Tess. You can borrow my car but just a few hours.” “Yay!” I exclaim and hug him. “Gross. Pay me back by making dinner, how about that?” He shoves me away.

The following morning, I am up and ready early, trying to sneak pass my drunk father, who once again is passed out on the couch. I head into the kitchen and grab a couple bottles of water. I make my way to the door. “Where you headed girl?” My father grumbles, sitting up and rubbing his head. “I’m going out with friends.” I say. There’s a knock on the door and my heart drops. “I have to go.” I say to him. He doesn’t object and I run to the door. I slide out and see Yoongi standing on the porch. “I didn’t know you were coming over here. I would’ve come to get you.” I tell him. “It’s not proper for the lady to pick up the man.” He says. I laugh nervously. “Well, let’s just go.” I whisper and hurry over to Tae’s car. “Why do you whisper?” Yoongi asks, looking around. “No reason.” I jump into the driver seat and he into the passenger seat. “So, where are we going?” He asks. I nervously move the gear shift and hit the gas and we careen towards the house. “Woah, woah! STOP!” Yoongi yells as I quickly hit the brakes. “Sorry.” I say and move the shift into reverse. “Do you know how to drive? Is this your first time?” He questions. He is in full panic mode, still bracing himself in his seat. “Like riding a bike.” I smile as we speed off. Yoongi eases now but side-eyes me the whole time. “So, tell me about yourself? You must miss your mom and dad?” I poke, curious as to his personal life. “I call my mom one time every week. To check in.” He replies. He opens his window slightly and the rush of wind blows his hair around.

“Only once a week. That isn’t a lot. She must be worried. New country, different language. New people.” I’m really prying. “No. She is a busy woman. I am getting older. She wants me to get a good education.” He states plainly. “How about you? Tell me about you. Most popular girl.” He quickly shifts the focus. “Well, I grew up here. It’s me, Tae and my dad. My mom passed away a year ago. It has been hard, but we get by. My dad owns the car shop in town. Tae is going for a football scholarship this year. He’s good, like really good. The school is whatever. Like most I’m sure. I think you’re gonna fit in just great honestly. It’ll be nice to get some fresh meat in this boring old town.” Yoongi doesn’t say anything. I continue. “I figure we can grab breakfast and walk around town. There are a bunch of cool spots to see and a shopping complex.” I look over to him and get nothing. “Earth to Yoongi. What’s going on in that big brain of yours?” I ask. “I am not so interesting,” He says, “Not much to tell. Not like you. So much insight.” “Look, if this is going to work, I am going to need a little more than clipped responses from you. I want to be friends. So, just be yourself. Tell me something no one knows.” I implore. “I like pancakes.” He says and I begin to worry that this may have been a terrible idea.

I grab a parking spot outside of Taylor’s Diner, a local spot in town that a lot of the school kids frequent. We grab a booth by the window and are given menus by Gladys, who’s been a waitress here since I was little girl. “Hiya Tessa. Who’s your friend?” She smiles at Yoongi, who gives her a small tight smile. “I’m Yoongi. Nice to meet you.” He says and I am shocked that he even responded. “Well, welcome Yoongi. It’s great to meet you. Any idea of what you’d like to eat or drink?” He looks down and then back at Gladys. “Iced coffee please and pancakes.” He closes his menu and hands it to her. “Perfect, and for you Tessa?” She looks at me. “Uh. I’ll have the same.” She nods, takes my menu, and heads off. “Wow, I think it’s the most you’ve spoken ever.” I say sarcastically. “It’s not polite to be rude to elders.” He says to me and looks out the window beside him. He swallows hard and begins to pull nervously at his ear. “What’s wrong?” I ask. “Big brother.” He replies. I look up and Tae and Jin enter the Diner. “Well, well, well. Tessa! You get more gorgeous every day I see you.” Jin says sliding into the booth beside me. Tae slides in next to Yoongi. “Jin meet Mandu, our next-door neighbor.” Tae laughs. He goes for a high five but Yoongi just ignores him this time. “Why don’t you knuckle heads get lost?” I spit at Tae. “I had to check in on my girl.” Jin says, putting his arm around me. I shove him away. “Not even in your dreams.” “Hey Mandu, I better not find out your messing with my girl. Got it!” Yoongi doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Jin as if he could kill him with just his gaze. “Fuck off Jin! Tae!” I look at my brother. “Alright, alright. Let’s get out of here. You two have fun. Don’t fuck up my car Tess.” They get up and Jin points two fingers at his eyes and then one at Yoongi.

Yoongi whispers something. “What?” I ask him. “I said they are assholes.” I feel my face flush. This is not turning out well. “I’m sorry.” I say. “Why you are always sorry?” Yoongi utters. I am taken back by his comment. “Here you go.” Gladys says dropping our food and coffee off. I take a deep breath to keep from crying. “My brother isn’t….” I go to respond. “Yeah, he is,” Yoongi cuts me off, “Maybe you don’t know your brother the way you think you do.” He shoves his plate away from him and stares out of the window again. “I can’t eat unless you do. It’s rude.” I quip, trying to turn this breakfast around. “I guess you will starve.” He says to the window. “I am really trying Yoongi but you’re not making it easy.” “Oh no, imagine a world not made easy for the most popular girl. Such a tragedy.” He looks at me with red eyes and I can see he’s hurt. “We can just leave then if you want.” “No, someone made this for us so let’s eat. Celebrate friendship,” He cuts and shoves a huge piece of pancake in his mouth, “I love pancakes.” He says sarcastically with a hard swallow.

After paying the check and leaving the restaurant, I point over to the end of the road. “The shopping complex is that way.” I say. “We should get back.” Yoongi says, pointing to the car. “Uh. Ok.” We head to the car instead. This time I successfully get on the road without trouble. “I hope that we can do this again. I know today was rough but I would like to get to know you better.” I say to Yoongi. He just nods. “Thank you for breakfast. I owe you.” I pull into Mrs. Mark’s driveway and let Yoongi out. “See ya.” I say. He hops out and slams the door, walking into Mrs. Mark’s house. I pull out of her driveway and into my own. Once up in my room, I get on my laptop and facetime my friend Alice. “Hey girl! How’s your summer?” She exclaims when she answers. “Good. Getting a lot of writing in. Can you believe this is our last year?” “Oh my god! I can’t wait!” She says brushing her hair out of her face. “How’s Italy?” I ask. “Gorgeous girl. I met a man.” She giggles. “A man?” “His name is Arnand. He’s tall, dark, handsome, ugh, everything you read about in the books. He wants me to move here next summer and live with him.” I bust out laughing. “That sounds insane. How old is Mr. Everything?” I inquire. “38 but that’s not really old.” “Oh my god Alice! He is way too old for you! What will your mother say? She’s gonna freak out!” “No way! She will give me shit for a week and then ask how much he makes in a year, which is a lot by the way. He’s some hedge fund guy. Besides, I don’t have talent. I need a sugar daddy. I’m not smart like you or athletic like Tae and Jin. I have nothing lined up for after high school. This face is my money maker.” She circles her face with a finger. “Still its creepy and you can do anything you want. You just gotta focus on one thing.” I try to assure her. “Ha-ha. Yeah right Tess! Why have one thing when you can have them all?” She twirls around with her phone making me dizzy. Alice has always had her head in the clouds. “So, how’s the shit town?” She asks me. “Uh, same ole. Mrs. Mark’s got a foreign exchange student from Korea to move in with her. He starts this year at the school. She asked me to befriend him and show him around.” “Is he cute?” She asks and I immediately blush.  “I don’t know?” I reply. “Yeah, he’s cute. So, what’s the problem? Is it Jin?” “What no? Jin and I are over, and you know that. He’s just, I don’t know, weird. He hardly talks and when he does, he’s sarcastic and dry. I don’t know. He’s hard to read.” “I see, so Tess has met her match and she uncomfortable.” My eyes pop open at her accusation. “Oh Tessa, my baby, my bestie, my love. Just get over yourself. You miss out on so much because you’re so stuffy.” I scoff. “I am not stuffy.” “Oh yes you are! You think because you’re smart and beautiful, people should just fawn over you. That works for some like Kim Seokjin, but you are going to meet people with actual brain cells that are going to force you to do some of the work.” “Whatever.” “This is constructive criticism Tess. Don’t get all offended.” “I have to go.” I blurt out. “Okay, well don’t tell anyone about Arnand and give that foreign boy your number! Love you Tess.” I smile and disconnect the call.

I pull my phone out after thinking about what Alice has said. ‘You are a puzzle, but I am going to solve you.’ I think for a second too long and start to delete it. ‘Don’t forget, you owe me!’ Before I think too much, I send it. I look towards Yoongi’s window from my desk. My phone vibrates. ‘Stalker.’ I start laughing. I finally save the number in my phone. Maybe Alice is right. I am used to getting my way. Jin made things way too easy. Maybe what I need is a challenge. Welp Min Yoongi, challenge accepted.

[rubylove-21]

Just a one time thing - Lee Minhyuk smut

You took the lighter out of your pocket and lit the end of your cigarette. Inhaling sharply, you took in the dark smoke, allowing some of the nights air to also flow to your lungs. Your mother always warned you of smoking. It was "dangerous". Then again, if she found out you never went to law school, you didn't think the cigarettes would be the first thing on her mind.

Exhaling the smoke, you rested your head back against the wall of an old, shut down cafe. You had to admit. It was cold. But being a prostitute didn't exactly give you much clothes to wear. So here you stood. In an alleyway. Wearing a bra, denim shorts and thigh high boots, a black cap placed firmly on your head.

"you got a light y/n?" your friend Nikki came up to you, holding a cigarette between her fingers. You pass her your lighter while inhaling once more. "slow night?" you ask her, exhaling. "nope. Just had my fifth guy" she giggled, breathing in smoke and laughing it out.

"five, huh. I haven't even got one" you sigh. "did you try?" Nikki asks. "well... Not really" you reply, taking another hit. "you never put yourself out there. Here you go. I got someone for you. Big money. I was supposed to go but I'm a bit tired. Here." she smiles handing you a card.

You looked at it. "the baymount Hotel?... As in that five star hotel on the rich side of town.?" you ask looking up at her. She nods. "yeah. Starship entertainment is what they are called. They are a company in Korea. They have many artists, one group in particular called monsta x. They are on tour often and require...our service".

"ah. Okay. They hot?" you ask. She just looks at you and takes out her phone, bringing up a photo of six Korean males, all of which very attractive. "wow" you say. "yup" Nikki answers. "which one am I getting?" you ask her. She only shrugs. "different members each time. I've gone 3 times and got 3 different guys.

She points at one guy with black hair "this is

Im Changkyun. A rapper. Skilled with his mouth, more than just on stage." she winked. You push her jokingly. "this one" she says pointing to a tall man in the back "is Son Hyunwoo. Leader. Very dominant. Good aftercare though." you nod along.

She sighs. "and him.... Lee Minhyuk.... A angle on stage and the most demonic in bed." she says biting her lips. "as for these 3, I've never had. That's Hyungwon, Kihyun and jooheon. They are all good, so I've heard. But you'll be lucky if you get any of them." she smiles and puts her phone away.

"they pay good?" you ask, throwing your cigarette on the on the ground. She nods. "yeah. You're talking at least a grand an hour. 10 grand to stay the night. Which usually happens" she winks. You nod. "okay then. See ya tomorrow" you say turning the corner towards the baymount Hotel.

You walk through the golden doors and meet a man with a suit in the lobby. "hello, are you Nikki Jones?" he asks. "no I'm her friend she's sick" you lie. "ah. Well nice to meet you. You shall be at service to one of our members. This way please" he says leading you to a glass elevator. He steps into the elevator and hits the button for the third floor.

"room 307 ma'am" he says and leaves you in the elevator. You get to the third floor and walk to the door with 307 marked in gold numbers. You take a deep breath and knock twice on the door. A tall man with light chestnut hair opens the door.

He looks at you. You recognise him as the changkyun guy Nikki told you about. The rapper. Better looking in person. "um.. I didn't order antrhing." he says. "You're manager told me to come to room 307." you say smiling. Changkyun looks into the room.

"who is it?" another male voice says. "a prosti- a woman" he cuts himself off. "oh. Yeah that's for me" the man says coming into your veiw. You blink twice. He's..... Beautiful. Isn't that... The guy.... Lee Minhyuk?

"I'll go to jooheon. Bye" changkyun leaves the room. Minhyuk looks at you. "You're not Nikki." he says, leaning against the doorframe. "she's sick. I'm sorry to disappoint you." you say. "nah. You aren't disappointing me. Come in" he smiles and walks back in, holding the door open.

The room was huge, smelt like vanilla from the candles on the desk. The candles were the only light source in the room. "sorry for the darkness. I like this time of evening" he spoke softly "champagne?". You nod, watching him pour you a glass. You take it off him and sip lightly.

"this place is nice" you smile looking around. "oh? You have never been here?" minhyuk says leaning against a table, bringing his glass to his plump lips. "I'm new. I've never been with someone of your class" you say. "my class?" he asks. "yeah. Usually I get drunk teens or old horny men" you sigh.

"ew" minhyuk says with a face of discust. "yeah.... Mom thinks I'm in law school" you laugh. "really? Law school? Do you want to be in it ?" he asks. "yeah.... But I am not good enough. So here I am! Didn't you bring me here to fuck? I usually don't last 2 minutes with my shirt on." you say.

He nods and laughs. "yeah but I'd like to get to know you a bit". "why? There isn't much to know. Mom is a lawyer, dad is a lawyer but... I can't be one. Mom wants me to marry someone rich but my boyfriends the past few years that have been rich are... Well. Assholes" you sigh sitting down.

Minhyuk nods. "yeah rich women aren't great either. Cheating bitches". "can we just fuck and get this over with." you say walking up to him. He looks a bit shocked but just nods and puts his champagne glass down.

He pushes you onto the bed. "didn't catch your name" he said before kissing your neck. "y/n" you sigh out. He nods looking at you. "minhyuk." he says going back to your neck. You moan out at him. "minhyuk" you call out when he finds the sweet spot on your neck.

You reach your hand up and unbutton his white shirt down. You place your hands on his toned stomach, he groans at the coldness of your hands. He leans down and captures your lips in a heated kiss, grinding down against you. He reaches to your bra straps and pulls them down.

He unclasps your bra and unbuttons your shorts. Pulling your shorts down he moves your panties to the side, sliding his fingers up and down your folds. Once he felt you were wet enough he glided his fingers into your heat and started pumping in and out.

"as... Much. As I-I love this. Can I p-please you?" you ask. He shakes his head no. "no time. I wanna fuck you right here, right now." taking his fingers out and unbuckling his belt. Pulling down his pants and underwear, his hard, red cock sprung out.

"fuck." you moan looking at it. "I don't have any condoms. Is that okay?" he says looking at you. "yeah I'm on the pill." you say and he puts the tip at your entrance. "okay" he sighs and pushes in. The two of you moan in unison. "fuck baby!" you moan out. "baby huh?" he smirks and begins to thrust. "sorry" you say and blush. "it's okay. I can be your baby" he says thrusting faster.

You both are near your climax, you drag your nails down minhyuks back making him groan deeply. "fuck. I'm close princess" he moans into your ear. "me too min" you moan out. He brings his left hand to your clit pushing you over the edge. You clench around him, feeling him release inside you with a groan.

He pulls out a lays down next to you. "how much to stay the night?" he asks you. "nothing" you reply. "what?" he says confused. "nah. You treated me like a person. Not a piece of meat. I respect that. Its hard to find that kind of respect these days" you smile and lean on his chest. "at least let me give you-" you cut him off. "no" you say, falling asleep.

*********

You wake up in a t-shirt and sweatspants. "huh?" you say confused. Looking beside you, minhyuk was gone. "oh hey" minhyuk smiled at you coming out of the bathroom, He was shirtless with sweatpants on.

"hi. Are these your clothes?" you ask him. He nods. "Your clothes were a bit crumpled up. Sorry about that." he smiles at you. You nod and get up, putting your boots on under the sweats. Minhyuk laughs but returns to the bathroom.

"hey. Imma go. Thanks for last night. If you are in town again, let me know. I'll see you again." you smile and go to leave. "leaving so soon?" he asks. "Nikki will be worried." you smile. "she lives with you?" he asks. "I sleep on her couch. I need to get my own place." you reply. Minhyuk nods and reaches into a nearby bag.

He lifts out a lot of money and counts it. "minhyuk I said it was free" you smile. "yeah but I want you to get a nice house and a rich guy that will treat you well." He puts the money in a brown bag and hands it to you. "20 grand should get you started." he says smiling.

"no. I can't accept. Thank you though." you say and try to hand it back. "no. You are a great person and need to believe in yourself. You're nice and beautiful and I'm sure you can get that law degree if you try hard. I believe in you. You need to get off the streets. Though you are great at what you do and I appreciate your services, your worth more then this y/n" he says, eyes almost tearing up.

"I..... I can't" you say throwing the money down on the desk, a few tears escaping your eyes, you run out of the room. He calls your name but you keep running. When you make it out of the hotel you stop to catch your breath. You unintentionally start sobbing. Were you... In love?

"y/n!" a voice calls out. You turn to run but someone grabs your arm and spins you around. "y/n.. Live with me" minhyuk says. "what?" you ask. "live with me. Please. I know I sound fucking crazy. But. I can be the rich man your mom wants. I can treat you well. Please. I'll fund your education and everything." minhyuk said begining to cry.

"You're on tour." you say. "I'm finished next month. Last tour. I'll be with you. Please. I know I'm crazy y/n I know. But I feel a connection with you. Please. Please." his eyes were meaningful and full of love. You just nod.

"okay"

[mostlysignssomeportents]

In serving big company interests, copyright is in crisis

Copyright rules are made with the needs of the entertainment industry in mind, designed to provide the legal framework for creators, investors, distributors, production houses, and other parts of the industry to navigate their disputes and assert their interests.

A good copyright policy would be one that encouraged diverse forms of expression from diverse creators who were fairly compensated for their role in a profitable industry. But copyright has signally failed to accomplish this end, largely because of the role it plays in the monopolization of the entertainment industry (and, in the digital era, every industry where copyrighted software plays a role). Copyright's primary approach is to give creators monopolies over their works, in the hopes that they can use these as leverage in overmatched battles with corporate interests. But monopolies have a tendency to accumulate, piling up in the vaults of big companies, who use these government-backed exclusive rights to dominate the industry so that anyone hoping to enter it must first surrender their little monopolies to the hoards of the big gatekeepers.

Creators get a raw deal in a concentrated marketplace, selling their work into a buyer's market. Giving them more monopolies – longer copyright terms, copyright over the "feel" of music, copyright over samples – just gives the industry more monopolies to confiscate in one-sided negotiations and add to their arsenals. Expecting more copyright to help artists beat a concentrated industry is like expecting more lunch money to help your kid defeat the bullies who beat him up on the playground every day. No matter how much lunch money you give that kid, all you'll ever do is make the bullies richer.

One of the biggest problems with copyright in the digital era is that we expect people who aren't in the entertainment industry to understand and abide by its rules: it's no more realistic to expect a casual reader to understand and abide by a long, technical copyright license in order to enjoy a novel than it is to expect a parent to understand securities law before they pay their kid's allowance. Copyright law can either be technical and nuanced enough to serve as a rulebook for a vast, complex industry...or it can be simple and intuitive enough for that industry's customers to grasp and follow without years of specialized training. Decades of trying to make copyright into a system for both industrial actors and their audiences has demonstrated that the result is always a system that serves the former while bewildering and confounding the latter.

But even considered as a rulebook for the entertainment industry, copyright is in crisis. A system that is often promoted as protecting the interests of artists has increasingly sidelined creators' interests even as big media companies merge with one another, and with other kinds of companies (like ISPs) to form vertical monopolies that lock up the production, distribution and commercialization of creative work, leaving creators selling their work into a buyer's market locked up by a handful of companies.

2019 was not a good year for competition in the entertainment sector. Mergers like the $71.3B Disney-Fox deal reduced the number of big movie studios from five (already a farcical number) to four (impossibly, even worse). The Hollywood screenwriters have been locked in a record-breaking strike with the talent agencies—there are only three major agencies, all dominated by private equity investors, and the lack of competition means that they increasingly are negotiating deals on behalf of writers in which they agree to accept less money for writers in exchange for large fees for themselves.

On top of that, the big entertainment companies are increasingly diversifying and becoming distribution channels. The Trump administration approved the AT&T/Time-Warner merger just as the Obama administration approved the Universal/Comcast merger a decade earlier. Meanwhile, Disney has launched a streaming service and is pulling the catalogs of all its subsidiaries from rival services. That means that the creators behind those works will no longer receive residual payments from Disney for the licensing fees it receives from the likes of Netflix—instead, their work will stream exclusively on Disney Plus, and Disney will no longer have to pay the creators any more money for the use of their work.

To top it all off, the DOJ is working to end the antitrust rule that bans movie studios from owning movie theater chains, 70 years after it was put in place to end a suite of nakedly anti-competitive tactics that had especially grave consequences for actors and other creative people in the film industry. Right on cue, the already massively concentrated movie theater industry got even more concentrated.

The most visible impact of the steady concentration of the entertainment industry is on big stars: think of Taylor Swift's battle to perform her own music at an awards show where she was being named "Artist of the Decade" shortly after rights to her back catalog were sold to a "tycoon" whom she has a longstanding feud with.

But perhaps the most important impact is on independent creators, those who either cannot or will not join forces with the entertainment giants. These artists, more than any other, depend on a free, fair and open Internet to connect with audiences, promoted and distribute their works and receive payments. The tech sector has undergone market concentration that makes it every bit as troubled as the entertainment industry: as the New Zealand technologist Tom Eastman wrote in 2018, "I'm old enough to remember when the Internet wasn't a group of five websites, each consisting of screenshots of text from the other four."

The monopolization of the online world means that all artists are vulnerable to changes in Big Tech policy, which can see their livings confiscated, their artistic works disappeared, and their online presences erased due to error, caprice, or as collateral damage in other fights. Here, too, independent artists are especially vulnerable: when YouTube's Content ID copyright filter incorrectly blocks a video from a major studio or label, executives at the company can get prompt action from Google -- but when an independent artist is incorrectly labeled a pirate, their only hope of getting their work sprung from content jail is to make a huge public stink and hope it's enough to shame a tech giant into action.

As online platforms become ever-more-central to our employment, family, culture, education, romance and personal lives, the tech giants are increasingly wielding the censor's pen to strike out our words and images and sounds and videos in the name of public safety, copyright enforcement, and a host of other rubrics. Even considering that it's impossible to do a good job of this at massive scale, the tech companies do a particularly bad job.

This is about to get much worse. In March 2019, the European Union passed the most controversial copyright rules in its history by a razor-thin margin of only five votes—and later, ten Members of the European Parliament stated that they were confused and had pressed the wrong button, though the damage had already been done.

One of the most controversial parts of the new European Copyright Directive was Article 17 (formerly Article 13), which will require all online platforms to implement copyright filters similar to Google's Content ID. The Directive does not contain punishments for those who falsely claim copyright over works that don't belong to them (this is a major problem today, with fraudsters using fake copyright claims to threaten the livelihoods of creators in order to extort money from working artists).

Article 17 represents a bonanza for crooks who victimize creators by claiming copyright over their works—without offering any protections for the artists targeted by scammers. Artists who are under the protective wing of big entertainment companies can probably shield themselves from harm, meaning that the heavily concentrated entertainment sector will have even more leverage to use in its dealings with creators.

But that's not all: Article 17 may have snuffed out any possibility of launching a competing platform to discipline the Big Tech firms, at least in Europe. Startups might be able to offer a better product and lure customers to it (especially with the help of Adversarial Interoperability) but they won't be able to afford the massive capital expenditures needed to develop and operate the filters required by Article 17 until they've grown to giant size—something they won't get a chance to do because, without filters, they won't be able to operate at all.

That means that the Big Tech giants will likely get bigger, and, where possible, they will use their control over access to markets and customers to force both independent creators and big media companies to sell on terms that benefit them, at the expense of creators and entertainment companies.

To see what this looks like, just consider Amazon, especially its Audible division, which controls virtually the entire audiobook market. Once a minor sideline for publishing, audiobooks are now a major component of any author's living, generating nearly as much revenue as hardcovers and growing much faster.

Amazon has abused its near-total dominance over the audiobook market to force creators and publishers to consent to its terms, which include an absolute requirement that all audiobooks sold on Audible be wrapped in Amazon's proprietary "Digital Rights Management" code. This code nominally protects Audible products from unauthorized duplication, but this is a mere pretense.

It's pretty straightforward to remove this DRM, but providing tools to do so is a potential felony under Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, carrying a penalty of a five-year prison sentence and a $500,000 fine for a first offense (EFF is suing the US government to overturn this law). This means that potential Audible rivals can't offer tools to import Audible purchases to run on their systems or to permit access to all your audiobooks from a single menu.

As Amazon grows in scale and ambition, it can, at its discretion, terminate authors' or publishers' access to the audience it controls (something the company has done before). Audiences that object to this will be left with a difficult choice: abandon the purchases they've made to follow the artists they love to smaller, peripheral platforms, or fragment their expensive audiobook libraries across a confusion of apps and screens. 

Copyright was historically called "the author's monopoly," but increasingly those small-scale monopolies are being expropriated by giant corporations—some tech, some entertainment, some a weird chimera of both—and wielded to corner entire markets or sectors. In 2017, EFF lost a long, bitter fight to ensure that a poorly considered project to add DRM to the standards for Web browsers didn't result in further monopolization of the browser market. Two years later, our worst fears have been realized and it is effectively impossible to launch a competitive browser without permission from Google or Microsoft or Apple (Apple won't answer licensing queries, Microsoft wants $10,000 just to consider a licensing application, and Google has turned down all requests to license for new free/open-source browsers).

Copyright has also become a key weapon in the anticompetitive arsenal wielded against the independent repair sector. More than 20 state-level Right to Repair bills have been killed by industry coalitions who cite a self-serving, incoherent mix of concerns over their copyrights and "cybersecurity" as reasons why you shouldn't be able to get your phone or car fixed in the shop of your choice.

All this is why EFF expanded its competition-related projects in 2019 and will do even more in 2020. We, too, are old enough to remember when the Internet wasn't a group of five websites, each consisting of screenshots of text from the other four. We know that, in 2020, it's foolish to expect tech companies to have their users' back unless there's a meaningful chance those users will go somewhere else (and not just to another division of the same tech company).

(Crossposted from EFF Deeplinks)

https://boingboing.net/2020/01/22/in-serving-big-company-interes.html

[schrijverr]

Behind the Scenes

This is a story that developed from a small peek into my brain whenever I write the stories you read into a thinkpiece about writing and posting fanfiction. 

On AO3.

Ships: none (unless you wanna ship me with my keyboard lol)

Warnings: none, I suppose, but it does get a little down in the end, I was having a rough day when I wrote this, sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~

I sit on my chair before my laptop. I’m curled into myself as my fingers glide over the keyboard and my thoughts flow out of my fingertips onto the screen.

It isn’t all that late, just past midnight, but it’s already dark outside and in order to see the keys properly I have to turn on the lamp I have on my desk. With the light it’s kind of cozy here in my little nook of the world.

I look to the screen and try to make sense of my own words. I don’t have a fully fledged idea yet, but a vague idea that floated through my brain at some point during the day has inspired me enough to open a new document and start typing.

I now know how this story begins and I see where I am going and how it will end, but the question of how I get there sits heavily on my mind.

I stop typing for a moment and think. If I introduce this character now, it might set some other things in motion and that’ll be good for the plot, but I don’t know how to write that character at all and I’m afraid that if I do it wrong, people won’t like me or my story.

I sigh and realize I’ve started almost every new paragraph with the same word. I hate it when I do that. The story starts to feel repetitive and as a non native English speaker I want to prove that I have a bigger vocabulary than that.

How to proceed?

A synonym, maybe? But I’ll have to look that up and I don’t think there is a good synonym for I. Sighing again I scan the page and think. Maybe I could start with a verb to shake things up a bit or a question. No, not a question that would feel out of place here.

Now I’ve written a few paragraphs again, so I could use the word I used before, but since I used it so many times already I want a bit more space between now and the next time I use it. So a synonym it is, I guess, I think as I open my browser to look one up.

…

There is no synonym for I.

Goddammit, I think. Well, it’s no use now anyway. I’ve decided to write this story in the first person, despite knowing I’m horrible at it, and now I have to deal with the fact that I don’t have another word for I.

I start my next paragr- no that’s not right. Backspace, backspace. Moving on to the next- No, not that either. Backspace, backspace. I look at what I’ve written last and wonder why I’ve written something upon which I can’t, hmm, what’s a good word there?

I know I have a good word in Dutch ‘voortborduren’, but when I translate it, it gives me elaborate, which doesn’t fit in the sentence at all. Mentally groaning I recline in my chair as I try to think.

Maybe it’s the sentence itself? Lets see what did I write again? Oh yeah: I look at what I’ve written last and wonder why I’ve written something upon which I can’t- and then I need to find a word. Hm, funny, I don’t know how to go on by the sentence about not knowing how to go on.

‘I look at what I’ve written last and wonder why I’ve written something upon which I can’t’, I whisper it to myself in the hope the right word comes to mind.

First there is nothing, but then! Expand! Not perfect, but it fits, which is good enough for now, maybe when I proof read it a better word will come to me and I can use that.

So, expand. I wonder why I wrote something I can’t expand upon.

Fuck, I’ve spend so much time finding the right word that I have forgotten what I was talking, well writing, about in the first place. Softly swearing under my breath I scroll up and read what came before the sentence with the stupidly hard word to think off.

Ah yeah, it was about the other stupid thing, namely that I am writing this in the first person, which I still cannot do, no that skill has not come to me in the time it took to look up a word. What a pity.

But I have started the last few paragraphs with something other than I from time to time. That at least is something. Wait, should I add punctuation there? That, at least, is something. Looks better, but maybe that is just my love for commas talking. I mean, why write a boring sentence with a dot in the middle, which makes it short and doesn’t give you enough space to play with it, when you can also add unnecessary punctuation, so that you can play with the cadence of how something is read out loud or in someones mind?

Whoops, now that whole paragraph is long, if I want to make this story easy to read I’ll have to make this one shorter. Hmm, is this good? Yeah, probably. Enter.

Now, I’m suddenly wondering, if paragraph is even the right word. In Dutch the word is ‘alinea’ and the word ‘paragraaf’ also means chapter, but not really, only in a school book. It doesn’t really make sense, because you also have a chapter in a schoolbook and that’s divided in paragraphs and each paragraph has ‘alinea’s’

Aaand I’ve distracted myself by thinking about the differences between each language instead of looking up if paragraph is actually the right word and it means what I think it means.

I look it up on Google translate, not the most trustworthy source for sentences, but for lone words it’s alright.

It is the right word, along with indention, but I’m not really familiar with that word, although I can see where it comes from with the paragraphs creating indentions in the text. Still, I decide to stick with paragraphs, cause “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and I live by that.

Looking back to the clock in the corner of my screen I realize that I’ve now been writing this for 40 minutes. It isn’t all that long, but I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore. I had a point when I began and now I’ve forgotten it.

I stretch my arms, by pushing away my chair, leaning forward until my shoulders are at the same height of my desk is. My right shoulder cracks, it has always done that, but the sound snaps me out of my musings and makes me pay more attention to my surroundings.

It is raining outside and I hear people screaming. They sound happy, probably celebrating something and drinking, but I still wondered what they’re doing up so late (ignoring the fact that I am still awake too.)

Right, my word document. I was trying to remember what my point was. No wait, not remember, recall sounds better. I double click remember and replace it with recall: I was trying to recall what my point was.

Although I have found a nice sentences with the best word to describe the action, I still don’t know what comes next. I suddenly begin to doubt myself. Maybe this was a dumb idea. Maybe I’ve read this somewhere before and I am unconsciously copying someone. Maybe I should just delete this and move on to something else.

I mean, come on, who wants to read this? No one. I’m just going to post it, knowing that no one cares and no one will read it. People don’t go to AO3 for original works, you don’t, so why would anyone care about it? It’s going to get five hits tops, with maybe two kudos, three if you’re lucky.

And now I have accidentally switched to a second person perspective, can’t even stay consistent. Maybe if I play it off as an introspection or and internal dialogue no one will notice or think it’s an artistic choice.

Pff, artistic choice. You can hardly call what I’m doing artistic. It’s just fanfiction, a hobby. Yeah, I know that is still good and can be great, even amazing and artfully written, but this isn’t. I have a too direct writing style for that. I’ve only been getting English education for six years and it’ll take so much more practice until I ever reach that level.

I’ve gotten off track completely now. I faintly remember that this started out as a mock internal dialogue of what happens when I write a fanfic, but now it turned into a self deprecating shit parade.

I blink long and hard, trying to get my head back on track and write something better, or at least more consistent.

Realizing that in order to do that I should probably scroll up and read (lets be honest scan) how I started. I don’t have the energy for it, but I force myself to do it with a sigh.

Scroll, scroll, scroll.

Ah, yeah, I began with where I was and then that discussion about language and looking things up. Oh, but I’ve also reflected on what I’ve written before, well, before. Then it was about re-finding what I was doing after I had to look up a word and now it is desperately trying to remember what the actual fuck I was doing in an attempt to make something cohesive, but still. I decide to not do that again.

I still don’t know what my point was when I started this, but I’m making a new one up right now. I think I’m going to call the work ‘behind the scenes’ or ‘the thoughts of a writer’, since I have now decided that this is a way to get readers a peek behind the curtains.

As a reader, I can respect people so much for all the work they put into a story. And of course I’m not saying you can’t do that if you don’t write, no, that would be pretentious, but I do have more respect for them than before I started writing all those years ago.

It is really easy to forget that something you read in a few minutes has taken hours to write. This is not even 2k words long right now. I know I can read that in a few minutes, not even blinking and mostly forgetting, before moving on to the next story, but I have been writing almost nonstop for over an hour now.

I am lucky that I can usually keep the words flowing long enough to make some bullshit up that I can reason into a coherent story in the end, but that has taken practice. A lot of practice.

In order to become a good in writing a story you have to do it so many times and you won’t even notice you’ve gotten better until much later. I know this, because I recently went through all my works and made them better. Got all the typos out there, I fixed vague sentences and I made the lay out better. I also cringed a lot.

Well, I think I have to go with a ‘behind the scenes’ now, because I don’t think I can claim this is my internal monologue when I’m writing. Instead this has turned into a think piece about writing and appreciating it or something.

I don’t even know anymore.

I recall I had a point when I started this, probably thought it out and then my brain decided to throw it away and throw up this garbage instead. It is interesting, I suppose, but not at all what I was going for in the beginning.

Oh well, maybe I can fix it when I proof read it, because I am tired and I think I’m going to bed. I have half the mind to just fuck it and throw it on AO3 without glancing over my own words even once. It’s very tempting to leave others to deal with these honest words and pretend they aren’t mine, but I don’t.

However, I don’t think I will edit this that much, because it was nice to get some frustrations on, well not paper, but on screen. Just order my thoughts, you know?

It is hard to stay motivated when it seems that everyone around you is doing so much better than you. It is disheartening and it makes you want to stop.

I don’t.

I can’t.

Writing is what I do, it helps, it’s nice. I love writing and I don’t think I will stop loving it. But one of the reasons I love writing is because it can get the constant thoughts and ideas to stop swirling around in my head.

Today I needed it to stop, so that I could just go to sleep properly and I feel like this helped. It was honest and I feel better now. Tomorrow can come at me and I will face it like I did today. Maybe my last few fics weren’t to everyones taste and that’s okay, they were my taste and I love them and I am proud of them. For me that’s enough.

I would apologize for ranting, I usually do, but since you could stop at any time and leave, I don’t think I’m going to do that, what I am going to do, is thank you.

Thank you for reading this, despite the fact that it is not a fanfic. Thank you for allowing me to just dump all these thoughts on you. And thank you for being here and clicking it, your support, even if it is only an extra number by “hits”, means so incredibly much to me and I cannot put in to words how grateful I am that you are here.

Since it is now 01:18 and if I recall correctly it was 00:02 when I started, I think I am really going to stop now. Goodnight, or good-whatever time a day you’re reading this!

Goodbye :)

[yoobangdaengi]

[ENG TRANS] Monsta X @Star1 Magazine November 2019 Issue Interview - FOLLOW, MONSTA X!

Monsta X met their overseas fans in 20 cities all over the world and wrapped up their third world tour successfully. The group finished the tour after five months and start to do their Korean promotion in full-scale. Monsta X is settling down as global idol through their big international fandom and their collaboration with famous international artists, such as wi..i.am, French Montana, and Steve Aoki. The expectation towards their constant growth and leap is increasing, as a group who broaden their stage to worldwide from Korea. Monsta X, who will start Korean promotion this winter after eight months, will show their improvement through their new mini album “FOLLOW : FIND YOU”.

How does it feel doing a photoshoot together with all members?

Minhyuk: We think it’s more fun and joyful because it’s been a long time since we shot a beauty pictorial together like this, beside jacket album photoshoot.

As beauty models, it looks like you prepared a lot so that the picture for the beauty pictorial comes out well.

Minhyuk: Because we are beauty models, we did many experiments so that our beauty pictorial will come out well. Basically, we pay attention to our skincare routine and looking at the other pictorials as reference for the sake of looking good visually. If we go to the studio for the photoshoot after learning for a bit, we’re able to show the pose more naturally in the studio.

You guys are active as beauty models, is there any Monsta X’s only secret method to take care of your skin at the change of season?

Minhyuk: The very first thing that happens in change of seasons is everyone’s skins become rough and dry. So we pay attention to the basics a lot. Especially, we apply moisturizer cream very carefully. Sometimes before sleep or when we wake up in the morning, we put on peel-off mask while moisturizing our skin. We spray mist occasionally while working to keep our skin moisturized. 

I.M: I’m the type of person who drinks a lot of water. It’s a fact that if you drink enough water, your skin would feel less dry. Also, even on days when we don’t have any schedule and our face is free from makeup, I always apply sunscreen. Even though the recent weather is cool, the sunlight is still hot so we need sunscreen. 

You’re going to have a comeback soon. You might feel nervous since it’s your Korean comeback after a long time, are you fully prepared for it?

Hyungwon: We anticipate it a lot since we will release a new album after 8 months. So we prepared a lot to show people our good side. It’d be nice if you are looking forward to our comeback. Wonho, Jooheon, and I.M’s self-composed songs are included in this album. Wonho’s self-composed song, “MIRROR”, is the song that he and Shownu performed on the recent world tour stage as a unit. I think fans would anticipate this song so much since this time we prepare it as the song that’s being sung by seven people. Shownu participated in writing the lyrics so it adds more meaning to the song.  Also, people will be able to enjoy the album more if they focus to learn the genre of “SEE YOU AGAIN”, Jooheon’s self-composed song, who previously showed various genre of music, and the charms from I.M’s self-composed song, “U R”, after the release of “MOHAE” that he composed in last year album. 

Shownu: Especially the title song “FOLLOW”, you can feel other different charms from Monsta X’s music up until now. The existing powerful vibe of Monsta X meets with a special sound and becomes a song with such a unique color. Besides, it’s certain that if you watch the stage together, you might enjoy Monsta X-like-style with your heart content. We finished our world tour and prepared the album so I felt the development of all the members.

You guys just wrapped up your world tour and prepared the album and it seems like we can feel the members’ development.

I.M: I think it’s true that various experiences allow for broad growth. While doing multiple overseas activities including world tour, I get to feel and learn many things. As we meet Monbebes from many countries, I get the feeling that there are so many people who love us. As much as my gratefulness for them, they make me determined to work hard to show them the good side of me in the future. Of course there are many people whom we haven’t met yet, we have to work hard so we can visit more countries, that goal becomes the stepping stone for our growth. Those reasons helped me a lot to think positively when we make a new album. Working together with international artists for our album influenced me a lot as well. The artists who receive so much love from all over the world like Steve Aoki, French Montana, and will.i.am, pouring great amounts of efforts and passions towards their own music. While watching them closely beside them, I think I know the direction Monsta X will take to move forward in the future. Even though I gained the lesson of musical skills, it went beyond that and made my thoughts about music get stronger. 

You’re receiving so much love from overseas. What is the secret of your global popularity? 

Jooheon: Actually since there are so many seniors who receive so much love from all over the world, it’s a big exaggeration to talk about the secret of our global popularity. But I think the reason why global audiences show their  interest in us is maybe because Monsta X’s music concept or visual. Monsta X is the group with the explosive energy on stage, that’s our attractive point. Our music colour is strong and the performance is powerful so when the fans see us, they’d think, ‘it’s so cool, the stage is full of fun’. Also in visual aspect, because we have solid and sexy vibe, that might be the reason why people love Monsta X.

What is Monsta X’s only method to overcome fatigue, since you guys frequently do world tours?

Wonho: When we are overseas, if the condition is okay, we go to good local restaurants and eat delicious food. It is one of our methods to relieve fatigue. Even though we can’t visit multiple places due to limited time, at least we go to one famous local restaurant and eat popular food. When we do that, it feels like we came for a trip and we feel happy. Also for me and Shownu’s case, we overcome our fatigue by going to the gym and working out.  But the most joyful method to heal the fatigue for us is communicating with Monbebe through live broadcast. Even when we’re overseas, we meet our fans by turning on the live broadcast at least 3-4 times a week. When talking with fans, even though I felt a bit tired or exhausted, those feelings disappeared, it’s so fun.

Are there any charms from each member that you want to take away from?

Kihyun→Wonho: When people think about Wonho hyung, mostly start to think about his muscular and sturdy body and also his work out hobby. But I hope people know that there are so many talents in him. You might already know if you listen to b-side tracks in Monsta X’s albums, there are many easy listening self-composed songs that Wonho hyung produced. The charm I want to take away from him is his skill of producing songs that are full of emotions. 

Wonho→ Kihyun: Kihyun has outstanding vocal and musical skill, but even without those skills, there are so many things that he is good at. For example, since his body balance is so great, when he does sport, he always wins. So even if he doesn’t sing and does things toward sports or physical education, he’ll be great.

Minhyuk→I.M: In front of the hyungs, I.M has energetic and cute appeals, yet on normal days, like when he works on his music or in daily life, he shows sensitive and genuine charms. I think I.M makes people feel at ease since he shows a calm and honest vibe. So I really like his naively honest side that everyone wants to be with.

I.M→Minhyuk: I like Minhyuk hyung’s ability to judge and understand something in a flash. When some problems occur, he grasps the situation quickly and he makes good decisions since he understands the situation.  We trust and follow those decisions as well. Also, he makes people around him feel delighted because of his cheerful and very bright personality.   

Shownu→Hyungwon: Hyungwon is very honest and has deep thoughts. So when we tell him about our worries, he listens well since he focuses on our story, and he gives suitable and wise answers for our worries. We lean on him a lot whenever we worry about something. He’s a friend who has unexpected charms since he is very bold and generous.  

Hyungwon→Jooheon: Jooheon has a personality that makes people around him happy. Because he is always smiling brightly and full of explosive great energy, he draws in a lively atmosphere whenever he goes. Also since he has good social skills, he approaches everyone in a friendly way and embraces those people well.

Jooheon→Shownu: Usually Shownu hyung is a trustworthy and honest person, but he’s also a witty and fun hyung. He has various charms, of course. Because he has warm nature, I think he makes people feel comfortable around him. That’s why it’s so nice being next to him. 

As a group of seven people with various personalities and charms, is there any hidden hobby you want to recommend to one another?

Kihyun→ Wonho: Hobby I want to recommend to Wonho hyung is rock climbing! His physical strength is already good by nature and since he likes physical strength, I think it'll be good for him. Also I want to go to a ski resort together with all members. It’ll be so fun if all of us gather together and ski.

Wonho→ Kihyun: I want to recommend surfing to Kihyun. Because both of us like active sports, I think it will be so great to go to the beach together, surf and eat delicious food.

Minhyuk→ I.M: I.M is good at speaking by nature and his English is great, too, so he has many cases of becoming our representative when we do overseas activity. Based on that, I think speech academy would be fun for him and it matches him well.

I.M→ Minhyuk: I want to recommend swimming to Minhyuk hyung. First, it’s counted as sport, and it’s a hobby that you can do constantly without minding the weather so even when we do our overseas schedule, he can keep doing it, that’s why I recommend swimming.

Shownu→ Hyungwon: I want to recommend jazz dance to Hyungwon. It might look awkward at first, but since he’s tall and has a good proportion, I think he’d look cool if he did jazz dance.

Hyungwon→ Jooheon: Because in daily life I like playing games and enjoying it so much, I think about how I do it together with Jooheon. It will be a nice hobby if we play it while relieving our stress and eating good food.

Jooheon→ Shownu: I want to go to an exhibition with Shownu hyung. Recently there are so many exhibitions, I think it’ll be fun if I silently go there with Shownu hyung, view various artworks and share related stories about them together!

The hardest point in a busy schedule like yours is to synchronize different opinions from the members. How do you guys solve the disagreement or to reach an agreement over a conflict?

Kihyun: At first, of course there are many conflicting opinions since we’re close in age and we always together in most of the schedules. At that time, we told and held conversation with each other openly, we shared about our struggles. I think because the members are not the type of person who scare of telling their honest feeling, it was easy to chat with them. Actually, from my opinion, in reality the only way to solve it is to meet and have conversations with the related person face-to-face. Come to think of it, now we harmonize our opinions naturally even when our opinions clash, based on the times we spent together. We knew about each other very well, so when one member has an opinion, we can sense roughly what the other members think of it. Now we’re very comfortable with each other.

One of Monsta X’s distinct charms is ‘masculine beauty’. You guys have sturdy body from working out so we can’t take out the masculine charm out of Monsta X, but what makes Monsta X more masculine?

Jooheon: Actually, Monsta X is closer to ‘intense wild beauty’ than masculine beauty’. I think the sexy and charismatic side of Monsta X stands out in our  music and visual, also highlighting that appeal. On the stage of our recent songs like ‘Shoot Out’ and ‘Alligator’, the members perform while paying attention to everything such as the gaze or choreography details. Those parts create an intense and wild vibe.

Shownu: We have many charms aside those mentioned. People might know by watching our special stage or concert that we can perform a groovy and dreamy vibe or sweet and soft image. So I hope people will remember Monsta X as the group who can absorb various concepts. 

We want to hear your plan for future activity or for the rest of the year

Wonho: I hope we can promote the soon-to-be-released “FOLLOW : FIND YOU” album successfully. Also after this, we will cooperate for the “Jingle Ball Tour” in the US in December for two consecutive years. So I wish we work hard together with the fans with great stage and nobody gets hurt in “Jingle Ball” concert until year-end stages.

What is your goal for  future activity?

All: We hope we can wrapped up this year well and pay back our fans who wait long with great promotion because it’s been a long time since we comeback with new album in Korea. In 2020, we want to show our cool, more various, and unexpected side of us, including overseas activity. Last year, when we talked about our goals for 2019, none of the members were able to imagine all the great things we achieved this year. We only talked about doing our best and working hard. But since many things came true, we’re praying those aspirations that are beyond our expectation and mind will come true in 2020 as well.

What is the thing you want to say to local and international Monbebes who always support you?

All: We think all of Monsta X’s happiness is made by Monbebe. We hope we can be together with Monbebe for a long time while leaning on Monbebe, sometimes as friends, family, or  loved one like now, no matter where you are and what kind of person you are. We always feel thankful and love you always.

Korean to English translated by: Tim (@yookiihyun)

[fnccafe]

see through - hyunghyuk

CHAPTER ONE

He wishes he could figure out where everything went so wrong, where the love just stopped, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know when things became so sour, so rotten, in their relationship, or when Heejin started spending more time with the girls instead of with him. He should’ve known right then and there when Heejin barely spared him a glance—when Heejin checked out long before Hyungwon could even process it.

All he knew was that their love became like a rotten apple: shiny and delicious looking on the outside, but once you took a bite it was black and mushy—rotten from the inside out.

Hyungwon wishes he could figure out the when and the why—when it all started to go so wrong and why Heejin decided he wasn’t the one for her—but he couldn’t.

One day, when clouds were scarce and the heat hit in waves, Heejin says, “Hyungwon,” in a tone he doesn’t recognize. She points to the leather one-seater, silently telling him to sit. Before she can even muster a word, Hyungwon can see her disappointed face, her telling gaze, and knows.

“We’re over,” he asks, “Aren’t we?”

She lets out a sigh.

“You know I love you,” he continues, “Right?”

He wants her to say something, anything, that wasn’t so devoid of feeling—call it a hunch, but he doesn’t think that was going to happen anytime soon. His mood plummets, going from something that was happy to something that was a mix of angry and sad, but he can’t say from what with certainty. There was always an inkling of doubt, a quiet voice in the back of his mind that told him that something bad was bound to happen.

He didn’t think it would be this, though.

“Hyungwon  please,” she says calmly, “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“I won’t,” he replies. It’s lifeless, hollow—empty. He makes his way to the front door, exchanging his house slippers for the dirty Converse he had just changed out of. “Goodbye, Heejin.”

“Hyungwon, let me at least explain—”

“Explain what, exactly? That you’re not in love with me?” He’s lacing up his shoes and can’t look up at her out of fear that he’s going to lose it. “That you’d rather see someone else than be with me? Or am I too drastically different than what you thought I was going to be?”

“Hyungwon -”

“No, I don’t need your explanation. I get it,” Hyungwon sighs. He steps out the door. “I know. Who would ever love someone like me, huh?”

He didn’t know when they got like this, all he knew was that they did and there was no going back.

+

It takes him about four hours, but he manages to walk from their apartment in Queens to Hyunwoo’s apartment in Brooklyn. He takes a glance at his phone, looking at all the missed calls from Heejin and scoffs. Why was she calling him? To rub it in his face that he wasn’t good enough for her?

He didn’t want to hear it.

His feet ache like all hell when he calls Hyunwoo to buzz him in, but the older does it without a question. He knocks on the door to Hyunwoo’s apartment and, as it opens, falls to the floor.

“Hyungwon,” Hyunwoo says, helping him back on his feet. Behind Hyunwoo he sees Changkyun and Jooheon looking at him with sad eyes and shakes it off. “I’m so sorry.”

“Can I move back in?”

“Of course. When have you ever been turned away from here?”

+

Single.

The word felt foreign on Hyungwon ’s tongue. He hadn’t been single in almost six years and, just like that, it was suddenly thrust upon him. He’s been single for a whole month. Thirty-one days and a handful of hours.

It feels like he’s gotten a large knife in his abdomen, twisted—he felt like he might as well have spilled his guts all over the floor of what used to be Hyungwon  and Heejin’s shared apartment. It feels like a heavily bleeding wound, one that he hastily slapped on bandages in hopes that it wouldn’t get so bad.

But it did, and now he’s dying and doesn’t want to do anything about it at all.

It’s in that moment that he remembers: Heejin still lives in the apartment, all by herself. He wonders if she ever painted the kitchen wall mint green like she had planned, something about brightening the dark kitchen. He wonders if she changed the color of the cabinets to the sleek white that she liked.

Single.

Hyungwon didn’t know if he likes being single at all.

+

A bit of backstory for those who don’t know: Hyunwoo, Hoseok, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Jooheon, Changkyun, and Minhyuk all meet in college back when getting a degree in the arts was enough to get years of ancestral disappointment put on your shoulders, they became the best of friends over the fact that their parents hated the fact that they were pursuing a career in their passions.

Hyunwoo was a dance major, Hyungwon was a performing arts major, and Jooheon was a music production major and they roomed together. Hoseok was a music major, focusing on music education, Changkyun worked towards his Bachelor’s in Digital Media, and Minhyuk went in for performing arts as well, and those three roomed together. They meet Kihyun in Hyungwon's second semester, when Hyungwon gets told to be an interpreter for a Korean exchange student that didn't know much English and, like destiny, all seven of them were really close friends.

They were, some might even say are , the best of friends.

There was nothing that they didn’t do together: whether it be partying or studying, they were all within each other’s grasps.

That’s when Hyungwon figures out he’s not exactly straight.

He and Minhyuk are both out of their mind when they decide it’s a good idea for them to kiss. Drunk on one too many pineapple and vodka drinks, Minhyuk grabs him by the collar of his black striped button down and kisses him.

“We should date,” Minhyuk says curtly, breaking apart from the intense kiss.

“We should,” Hyungwon replies. He's breathless.

And they did. They dated for two years. They promise each other that they’ll be together forever and go on cute dates. They don’t tell their friends, either. It wasn’t any of their business to know whether or not they were dating.

But it all breaks apart in the end.

Minhyuk gets distant with not just Hyungwon, but everyone. When Hyunwoo and Jooheon are finally able to open the studio--a small space with just enough room to keep all their recording equipment--Minhyuk isn’t there. When Hoseok gets accepted into Potsdam’s Master’s program, and subsequently asks for their help moving into the dorms, Minhyuk isn’t there. There’s a long list of things that Minhyuk just isn’t there for and the cherry on top of the sundae is a note from Minhyuk on the day he was leaving.

One where he says they should break up.

“You were just going to leave me? Like that, Minhyuk,” Hyungwon says, “You know, I was worried about you when you didn’t answer your phone. I thought something happened. I-I thought you were hurt, but you’re just packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. You've been avoiding us for a month."  Hyungwon holds the note in his hands, the one that Minhyuk left on his dresser from the night before everything turned to shit. “And you didn’t even break up with me face to face, you had to do it over a fucking note like a coward? Why couldn’t you tell me?”

“Hyungwon, I finally got a job. One that will pay me well so I don’t have to live in a shithole apartment,” Minhyuk replies. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the next few years, but I know that I can’t keep you waiting for me. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna come back to Brooklyn.”

“So you don’t want to see me because of it?”

“I don’t want you to wait for me, Hyungwon. It’s not fair to you.”

Minhyuk leaves for California the morning after their argument. Hyunwoo offers to drive him to the airport because it would cost more than Minhyuk had to catch a taxi and he wakes everyone up to go with him. Hyungwon doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to see Minhyuk off after he shattered his heart, but he goes anyway.

He wasn't about to have everything revealed right before Minhyuk's plane took off.

They’re waving him off at the airport when Hyungwon and Minhyuk make eye contact. There’s a hidden apology in Minhyuk’s eyes, but Hyungwon wasn’t going to accept it.

He gets an offer to be a vocalist in a studio that wasn’t Hyunwoo’s and he took it, leaving Hyungwon stands there--eyes misted with tears.

He says nothing.

+

Even when Minhyuk is out of the picture, Hyungwon can’t help but picture him.  

He reads article after article about Lee Minhyuk, America’s Next Big Indie Artist according to Billboard. He’s got the same face, the same smile, but his hair is teal. It suits him. Hyungwon wishes he could say it to Minhyuk’s face. In fact, Hyungwon wishes simply to just be able to see Minhyuk’s face, but he knows it won’t come into fruition.

The album is called Shine Forever and Minhyuk’s voice is so smooth and so captivating that Hyungwon melts.

He listens to song after song on repeat and he grieves his friendship, as well as what could’ve been the relationship Hyungwon had always wanted, time and time again.

+

It’s been three years since Minhyuk has left New York, five years of Hyungwon staying in the same place, hoping that he’d come back. Minhyuk never does. Unless it’s for a concert or whatnot, Hyungwon knows deep down he won’t come back.

He meets Heejin around this time and finally, just finally , feels like he can move on. Minhyuk’s been out of his life for a particularly long time now. If he can let go, so can Hyungwon, although Hyungwon would need just the slightest push to do so.

He meets her in a museum, of all places, when Changkyun drags him out of their apartment by the ear.

“Your moping,” Changkyun says, “Is very tragic. So we’re going to the museum.”

“But I don’t wanna-” Changkyun sends Hyungwon a look, the look if you will, and Hyungwon sighs. “Fine, I’m getting my things.”

They get on the B line and, soon after, get off on 81st Street. Changkyun is grinning from ear to ear, holding Hyungwon’s hand in his own as he tugs the older up the steps.

“Aw,” the stranger says, "Are you guys together?"

“Oh, no, ha,” Hyungwon responds, handing Heejin the ticket, “He’s my best friend. He’s been wanting to come here for a little bit and we finally went.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry for assuming,” the stranger replies, face beet red as Hyungwon hands her his entry ticket. “I’m Heejin.” She scribbles something on the ticket and slides it back to Hyungwon.

He reads what was on it.

Sorry for assuming haha, that could have caused a really big misunderstanding, huh. We should grab some coffee or something. My treat! [xxx-xxx-xxxx] - Heejin

At first, it’s great. Heejin and Hyungwon have such undeniable chemistry that it shakes him down to the core. Heejin gets acquainted rather quickly to his friend group as well. She gets everyone to fall in love with her--even Changkyun, which is no small feat considering romance and meeting new people was not  in his wheelhouse--and Hyungwon is finally happy.

Until Hyunwoo shows him a particularly odd message.

+

Minhyuk > Hyunwoo 12:00

I’m coming back

Not this year, because I’m squaring off an album

But next year for certain

And I’m staying for good

I don’t like it in California.

+

It's the accursed year that Minhyuk is supposed to come back and Hyungwon is more than stressed.

"Wonnie, what's wrong?" Heejin asks. She back hugs him and he shrugs it off, leaving her looking absolutely astonished.

“Nothing,” he replies simply, trudging to their room to lay down.

He supposes Minhyuk coming back was the catalyst to his impending relationship imploding, unsurprising when Hyungwon realizes that his entire life revolved around the elder.

[next chapter]