#seethroughfic

[fnccafe]

see through - hyunghyuk

CHAPTER ONE

He wishes he could figure out where everything went so wrong, where the love just stopped, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know when things became so sour, so rotten, in their relationship, or when Heejin started spending more time with the girls instead of with him. He should’ve known right then and there when Heejin barely spared him a glance—when Heejin checked out long before Hyungwon could even process it.

All he knew was that their love became like a rotten apple: shiny and delicious looking on the outside, but once you took a bite it was black and mushy—rotten from the inside out.

Hyungwon wishes he could figure out the when and the why—when it all started to go so wrong and why Heejin decided he wasn’t the one for her—but he couldn’t.

One day, when clouds were scarce and the heat hit in waves, Heejin says, “Hyungwon,” in a tone he doesn’t recognize. She points to the leather one-seater, silently telling him to sit. Before she can even muster a word, Hyungwon can see her disappointed face, her telling gaze, and knows.

“We’re over,” he asks, “Aren’t we?”

She lets out a sigh.

“You know I love you,” he continues, “Right?”

He wants her to say something, anything, that wasn’t so devoid of feeling—call it a hunch, but he doesn’t think that was going to happen anytime soon. His mood plummets, going from something that was happy to something that was a mix of angry and sad, but he can’t say from what with certainty. There was always an inkling of doubt, a quiet voice in the back of his mind that told him that something bad was bound to happen.

He didn’t think it would be this, though.

“Hyungwon  please,” she says calmly, “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“I won’t,” he replies. It’s lifeless, hollow—empty. He makes his way to the front door, exchanging his house slippers for the dirty Converse he had just changed out of. “Goodbye, Heejin.”

“Hyungwon, let me at least explain—”

“Explain what, exactly? That you’re not in love with me?” He’s lacing up his shoes and can’t look up at her out of fear that he’s going to lose it. “That you’d rather see someone else than be with me? Or am I too drastically different than what you thought I was going to be?”

“Hyungwon -”

“No, I don’t need your explanation. I get it,” Hyungwon sighs. He steps out the door. “I know. Who would ever love someone like me, huh?”

He didn’t know when they got like this, all he knew was that they did and there was no going back.

+

It takes him about four hours, but he manages to walk from their apartment in Queens to Hyunwoo’s apartment in Brooklyn. He takes a glance at his phone, looking at all the missed calls from Heejin and scoffs. Why was she calling him? To rub it in his face that he wasn’t good enough for her?

He didn’t want to hear it.

His feet ache like all hell when he calls Hyunwoo to buzz him in, but the older does it without a question. He knocks on the door to Hyunwoo’s apartment and, as it opens, falls to the floor.

“Hyungwon,” Hyunwoo says, helping him back on his feet. Behind Hyunwoo he sees Changkyun and Jooheon looking at him with sad eyes and shakes it off. “I’m so sorry.”

“Can I move back in?”

“Of course. When have you ever been turned away from here?”

+

Single.

The word felt foreign on Hyungwon ’s tongue. He hadn’t been single in almost six years and, just like that, it was suddenly thrust upon him. He’s been single for a whole month. Thirty-one days and a handful of hours.

It feels like he’s gotten a large knife in his abdomen, twisted—he felt like he might as well have spilled his guts all over the floor of what used to be Hyungwon  and Heejin’s shared apartment. It feels like a heavily bleeding wound, one that he hastily slapped on bandages in hopes that it wouldn’t get so bad.

But it did, and now he’s dying and doesn’t want to do anything about it at all.

It’s in that moment that he remembers: Heejin still lives in the apartment, all by herself. He wonders if she ever painted the kitchen wall mint green like she had planned, something about brightening the dark kitchen. He wonders if she changed the color of the cabinets to the sleek white that she liked.

Single.

Hyungwon didn’t know if he likes being single at all.

+

A bit of backstory for those who don’t know: Hyunwoo, Hoseok, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Jooheon, Changkyun, and Minhyuk all meet in college back when getting a degree in the arts was enough to get years of ancestral disappointment put on your shoulders, they became the best of friends over the fact that their parents hated the fact that they were pursuing a career in their passions.

Hyunwoo was a dance major, Hyungwon was a performing arts major, and Jooheon was a music production major and they roomed together. Hoseok was a music major, focusing on music education, Changkyun worked towards his Bachelor’s in Digital Media, and Minhyuk went in for performing arts as well, and those three roomed together. They meet Kihyun in Hyungwon's second semester, when Hyungwon gets told to be an interpreter for a Korean exchange student that didn't know much English and, like destiny, all seven of them were really close friends.

They were, some might even say are , the best of friends.

There was nothing that they didn’t do together: whether it be partying or studying, they were all within each other’s grasps.

That’s when Hyungwon figures out he’s not exactly straight.

He and Minhyuk are both out of their mind when they decide it’s a good idea for them to kiss. Drunk on one too many pineapple and vodka drinks, Minhyuk grabs him by the collar of his black striped button down and kisses him.

“We should date,” Minhyuk says curtly, breaking apart from the intense kiss.

“We should,” Hyungwon replies. He's breathless.

And they did. They dated for two years. They promise each other that they’ll be together forever and go on cute dates. They don’t tell their friends, either. It wasn’t any of their business to know whether or not they were dating.

But it all breaks apart in the end.

Minhyuk gets distant with not just Hyungwon, but everyone. When Hyunwoo and Jooheon are finally able to open the studio--a small space with just enough room to keep all their recording equipment--Minhyuk isn’t there. When Hoseok gets accepted into Potsdam’s Master’s program, and subsequently asks for their help moving into the dorms, Minhyuk isn’t there. There’s a long list of things that Minhyuk just isn’t there for and the cherry on top of the sundae is a note from Minhyuk on the day he was leaving.

One where he says they should break up.

“You were just going to leave me? Like that, Minhyuk,” Hyungwon says, “You know, I was worried about you when you didn’t answer your phone. I thought something happened. I-I thought you were hurt, but you’re just packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. You've been avoiding us for a month."  Hyungwon holds the note in his hands, the one that Minhyuk left on his dresser from the night before everything turned to shit. “And you didn’t even break up with me face to face, you had to do it over a fucking note like a coward? Why couldn’t you tell me?”

“Hyungwon, I finally got a job. One that will pay me well so I don’t have to live in a shithole apartment,” Minhyuk replies. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the next few years, but I know that I can’t keep you waiting for me. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna come back to Brooklyn.”

“So you don’t want to see me because of it?”

“I don’t want you to wait for me, Hyungwon. It’s not fair to you.”

Minhyuk leaves for California the morning after their argument. Hyunwoo offers to drive him to the airport because it would cost more than Minhyuk had to catch a taxi and he wakes everyone up to go with him. Hyungwon doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to see Minhyuk off after he shattered his heart, but he goes anyway.

He wasn't about to have everything revealed right before Minhyuk's plane took off.

They’re waving him off at the airport when Hyungwon and Minhyuk make eye contact. There’s a hidden apology in Minhyuk’s eyes, but Hyungwon wasn’t going to accept it.

He gets an offer to be a vocalist in a studio that wasn’t Hyunwoo’s and he took it, leaving Hyungwon stands there--eyes misted with tears.

He says nothing.

+

Even when Minhyuk is out of the picture, Hyungwon can’t help but picture him.  

He reads article after article about Lee Minhyuk, America’s Next Big Indie Artist according to Billboard. He’s got the same face, the same smile, but his hair is teal. It suits him. Hyungwon wishes he could say it to Minhyuk’s face. In fact, Hyungwon wishes simply to just be able to see Minhyuk’s face, but he knows it won’t come into fruition.

The album is called Shine Forever and Minhyuk’s voice is so smooth and so captivating that Hyungwon melts.

He listens to song after song on repeat and he grieves his friendship, as well as what could’ve been the relationship Hyungwon had always wanted, time and time again.

+

It’s been three years since Minhyuk has left New York, five years of Hyungwon staying in the same place, hoping that he’d come back. Minhyuk never does. Unless it’s for a concert or whatnot, Hyungwon knows deep down he won’t come back.

He meets Heejin around this time and finally, just finally , feels like he can move on. Minhyuk’s been out of his life for a particularly long time now. If he can let go, so can Hyungwon, although Hyungwon would need just the slightest push to do so.

He meets her in a museum, of all places, when Changkyun drags him out of their apartment by the ear.

“Your moping,” Changkyun says, “Is very tragic. So we’re going to the museum.”

“But I don’t wanna-” Changkyun sends Hyungwon a look, the look if you will, and Hyungwon sighs. “Fine, I’m getting my things.”

They get on the B line and, soon after, get off on 81st Street. Changkyun is grinning from ear to ear, holding Hyungwon’s hand in his own as he tugs the older up the steps.

“Aw,” the stranger says, "Are you guys together?"

“Oh, no, ha,” Hyungwon responds, handing Heejin the ticket, “He’s my best friend. He’s been wanting to come here for a little bit and we finally went.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry for assuming,” the stranger replies, face beet red as Hyungwon hands her his entry ticket. “I’m Heejin.” She scribbles something on the ticket and slides it back to Hyungwon.

He reads what was on it.

Sorry for assuming haha, that could have caused a really big misunderstanding, huh. We should grab some coffee or something. My treat! [xxx-xxx-xxxx] - Heejin

At first, it’s great. Heejin and Hyungwon have such undeniable chemistry that it shakes him down to the core. Heejin gets acquainted rather quickly to his friend group as well. She gets everyone to fall in love with her--even Changkyun, which is no small feat considering romance and meeting new people was not  in his wheelhouse--and Hyungwon is finally happy.

Until Hyunwoo shows him a particularly odd message.

+

Minhyuk > Hyunwoo 12:00

I’m coming back

Not this year, because I’m squaring off an album

But next year for certain

And I’m staying for good

I don’t like it in California.

+

It's the accursed year that Minhyuk is supposed to come back and Hyungwon is more than stressed.

"Wonnie, what's wrong?" Heejin asks. She back hugs him and he shrugs it off, leaving her looking absolutely astonished.

“Nothing,” he replies simply, trudging to their room to lay down.

He supposes Minhyuk coming back was the catalyst to his impending relationship imploding, unsurprising when Hyungwon realizes that his entire life revolved around the elder.

[next chapter]

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[fnccafe]

chapter two - see through

Hyungwon is sitting on Hyunwoo’s couch, drinking beer out of a frozen mug. He’s watching Running Man, has a few plates of food on the small table in front of him, and is silently munching along to the daily shenanigans of whatever is going on in the episode.

Now, Hyunwoo isn’t one to judge anyone, but he wants to tell Hyungwon to get out of the house but lets him sit still.  He knows Hyungwon is going through a rough patch, the specifics are unclear, but he has a hunch it has to do with Heejin.

“Hey,” Hyunwoo says, putting his mug on the coffee table. “You haven’t been outside in a bit, are you alright?”

“As good as I can be,” Hyungwon replies, “I’m just hanging on, trying to move on.” He puts his feet up on the couch, putting his head in Hyunwoo’s lap. “It stings, but I knew it would.”

Tears. Hyunwoo could see the glistening of Hyungwon’s eyes and knows he’s about to cry.

“Well, I’m here for you if you need it,” Hyunwoo says, running his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair. “We all are. Even Changkyun, who vomits at the mention of serious relationships.”

“I know.”

+

To say that Hyungwon hadn’t been coping well is a bit of an understatement.

Not coping well was too kind of an assessment, but it’s all any single one of his friends will ever tell him.

Seokwon says to Minkyun, “Hyungwon ’s been looking a little…rough,” while Yoonho says to Kwangji, “I’ve never seen Hyungwon  like this,” and Yoosu says to Gunhee, “Do you know what’s wrong?”

It’s different ways to say the same thing. Every single one of them.

Hyungwon doesn’t want to hear it from any of them, so he excuses himself from the table, as the waiter comes around to ask what they would like to drink and goes somewhere where he can be alone for a bit.

+

Jooheon > Hyungwon  23:00

Yo, where did you go?

Hyunwoo went to go pick you up and said you weren’t there

Hyungwon  23:05  

Home.

Jooheon 23:10

To your apartment with Heejin?

Hyungwon  23:20

No.

Jooheon 23:25

Then where?

Hyungwon  23:30

By the old park.

The abandoned one.  

Jooheon 23:35

Give me five minutes. I’ll be there.

Don’t do anything stupid Hyungwon

Hyungwon  23:40

Just don’t bring anyone else

I don’t want them to see me like this

Jooheon 23:45

Yeah

He’s relieved when he sees Jooheon a few moments later, in an oversized jacket and some black ripped jeans, walking over to him with what looks to be hot chocolate and some cookies.

“What are you doing here, hyung?”

“I don’t know.”

“Whatever it is you’re feeling, you know you have me, right?”

“I know.”

Jooheon sits right beside him on that old wooden bench and Hyungwon lays his head on his shoulder.

“Thanks, Jooheon.” Hyungwon sighs, "Thanks for being an amazing friend."

“No problem.”

When Hyungwon rearranges himself, he does so only to accept the hug that Jooheon had been trying to give him. Nothing more.

+

He lied.

There was more.

Hyungwon  hasn’t cried in such a long time, but being in Jooheon’s arms reminds him for a moment that this is a vulnerable time for him and that he didn’t need to be afraid.

So, he cries with Jooheon’s arms holding him tight.

+

“Come hang out with us,” Hyunwoo asks, “It doesn’t do you well to stay locked in your room all day.”

Let’s establish two things, shall we?

One: Hyungwon  has moved back in with Hyunwoo, Jooheon and Changkyun, who graciously accepted him back once they learn the situation in full. Hyungwon  didn’t even know where to begin to talk about every single emotion he’s feeling, but luckily Jooheon was there to help him explain it all in a less garbled and confusing way.

Two: Moving back in with Hyunwoo, Jooheon and Changkyun means he needs to get his stuff back from Heejin’s place, which stings. It’s been two months and a half of not seeing her, trying not to think of her and then bam.

He’s going to have to face her and all of his feelings bottled up from two and a half months.

Let’s get back to the story, though.

Hyunwoo asks when they’re out getting groceries with Changkyun, who’s left them to make countless rounds for samples—ever since the Park Incident, Jooheon had been more than cautious with him. There was no intense pushing or prodding, which Hyungwon was thankful for, but Jooheon was essentially watching Hyungwon turn into a recluse.

Which wasn’t good for him, either. He didn’t say a word of it to Hyunwoo though, which he’s grateful to Jooheon for, but when Hyunwoo asks Hyungwon is a little too apprehensive on the sudden reason.

“Who is ‘we’?” Hyungwon asks, partially due to fear.

It sucks royal ass when you run in the same circle as the same person who took the heart out of your chest and squashes it like a bug.

“It’s not everyone,” Hyunwoo tacks on. It’s like he can sense Hyungwon ’s worries and fears, “It’s most likely going to be you, me, Jooheon, and—”

“And me!” Changkyun exclaims cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk to hold what little food he had to chew on.

“And him, yep.” Hyunwoo gets the ingredients and recipe card from the sample lady, bowing slightly at her. “We’re just gonna hang out.”

“Maybe we’ll go to that strip club Jooheon talks about all the time,” Changkyun cackles, “Make it a total sausage fest.”

“Sure.” Hyungwon places a case of beer into the cart. “I’ll go. There’s no use in hiding anymore, right?”

+

Wrong.

Hyungwon should’ve stayed hidden.

First of all, it ends up being a lot more than just him, Hyunwoo, Changkyun, and Jooheon. Minkyun and his new girlfriend show up, flaunting their newfound happiness in his face. Yoonho is trying to hit on guys and get people to buy him drinks with this charm and Jooheon and Gunhee? Forget about it, Gunhee is probably railing Jooheon in the bathroom at this exact moment.

Then, there was Minhyuk.

Minhyuk shows up and Hyungwon wants to hide even more because great—another person he has to explain everything to. Another person he’s going to have to rip his emotional wound right open for to get him in the know.  Another person who’ll pity him even when he clearly does not want that.

Minhyuk is another person who's put him through the exact same thing.

Minhyuk and Hoseok are dancing it up, basically grinding on one another, and Hyungwon notes how this isn’t his scene. There are too many girls wearing body glimmer that catches in the light, too much sweat and spit dripping onto the dance floor, and too many shots in brightly colored glasses being ordered from bartenders.  

This isn’t Hyungwon’s scene. This isn’t the place you just hang out in, the place where you play billiards and order lackluster food, and just hang out.

This is the place you go knowing all your friends are single, or in complicated relationships that they need to get away from.

“Can I have another rum and coke, please?” Hyungwon asks the bartender—Hyolyn, he thinks her name was—after setting his glass on the table.

Hyungwon kind of regrets showing up.