#five best bits of 2020

[hkthatgffan]

Hey, Kiki-Kit. Your customers are waiting!

Well, this is a painful post to make given the respect and admiration I had for her, but a long overdue one because I'm not alone in this mess and I refuse to let another fan fall for it when I could've said something!

Back in February, I bought a commission from Kiki-Kit. You may know that artist as she was one of the best in the Gravity Falls fandom back in the day and the illustrator of Don't Dimension It in Lost Legends.

She'd been running emergency commissions at the start of the year and I got one from her for $40 USD.

I have the invoice and everything saved and also messages with Kiki of us talking about the comm and me paying her. I owe nothing on my end money wise! I paid in full.

She said later she'd have them finished by around the end of March but come late April, still no response. So, I messaged her about it. Nothing odd I thought. I get things can happen and if Kiki is busy, at most she'd reply telling me it'll be a while longer and all's good.

But I got nothing. I messaged her, emailed her on the commissions email she had and tweeted at her. NOTHING! Turns out there were other people, including some friends of mine who had not heard back either. Then in June, Kiki made an update post explaining the situation.

Naturally I felt bad and wished her the best. She said iirc, she'd have the remaining comms done by the end of the Summer but here we are at the end of October and still nothing. I messaged her too again and no response.

You know, it's one thing if there's a reason for no response for a few days but then another when it's been months and still nothing. Oh and btw, I very much remember Kiki on Twitter liking tweets (back when Twitter let you see liked tweets) while I was there messaging her for an update. Real sus if you ask me.

But okay, I shouldn't rush it. Everyone has reasons to take time and maybe Kiki is just very busy and can't get back. She went through a very rough and difficult experience and I can understand and respect that. I'm more than happy to wait. But how long is too long without an update? Maybe a bit longer I guess. Art takes time.

Well, IDK about you all, but I don't remember any other Gravity Falls fan artist taking oh, idk...FIVE YEARS TO FINISH A COMMISION AND STILL NOT RESPOND!!

FoxieSkullzArtz on Twitter made me aware she has been waiting since 2019 for Kiki to respond to a commission they paid her for.

2019!!

I'm not an artist, so forgive me if I'm wrong. But I don't think it should take any artist 5 years to make a commission and even if, at least communicate with the person who paid you about it so they're not left guessing.

Oh, and it gets worse. I got another person who let me know they've been waiting since 2020 for a comm and Kiki handled it far worse!

Oh yeah, she blocked them for asking about it!

And okay, even if we give Kiki-Kit the benefit of the doubt and assume she has reasons to not communicate with people and maybe even assume people messaging her are being mean about it, then why not refund them? Nice or bad, you were paid by them to do something but also have the power to deny it and refund their money. And yet, Kiki did not even do that. And even if we be super kind and assume everyone is lying, I'm still here.

I paid Kiki-Kit $40USD for a comm I thought I would get in late March and it's now late October and still nothing. And even if you don't wanna believe me cause you can't believe an artist like Kiki-Kit would do this and assume I'm after clout (which would be odd, given why would I take pleasure in calling out an artist I respected)...well, there's gonna be someone else who says this too. And people have been saying this for years and she still is getting away with it!

It's disappointing honestly. Kiki-Kit is a name so many in this fandom know and love. And I love her art too. She's a fan artist who got to be on Lost Legends. We all celebrated that in 2018 and still remember it. And I know how hard it may be to hear this, but it has to be said.

I do not like having to do this, but I have a platform that can get this message across further than others could and having been someone who lost money to her too, I know first hand what all these people have been through.

And before you say "Kiki was going through a rough time in her life. Why are you blaming her? Be patient and she'll get your stupid art done," read over everything again. I'm not saying Kiki-Kit needs to be making art 24/7 and fulfilling these comms. I'm not saying she isn't allowed to be offline and not finish things on time for reasons out of her control. What I'm saying is that she hasn't communicated properly with anyone here who paid her and has continued to accept more and more commissions from people despite not finishing ones she has backlogs of.

When an artist opens commissions, why do you think they have slots or only accept a few? Because they know they can get that many done in a certain time or know anymore will take longer. And even if it took longer, at least they give updates. I bought a commission for the interview with Alex Hirsch and got it both on time and with proper communication from the artist.

And even if you disagree with all this, be honest with yourself...is making someone wait since 2019 or 2020 for a comm and not responding to them really something still worth defending?

I'm not here to cancel anyone. I don't want Kiki-Kit's reputation to be that of an scammer who stole money from people. But she's painted herself that way to far too many people who have been warning about this for ages but no one either saw or listened to them.

I tried to be nice and messaged Kiki-Kit over and over for an update and she never responded. I had friends who she took money from who similarly have not heard anything back! If you know Kiki directly, tell her to reach out to these people and all the ones she has taken money from and not gotten back to and either refund them or commit to finishing their commissions. Please don't be rude or hostile either though, given despite it all, she is still a person like your or me who deserves a chance to make things right.

I wanna believe Kiki-Kit has just made some negligent mistakes and isn't the best with time management or communication. I mean, I'm not the best either. But I'm not asking people for money for something and then not getting back to them with it. I'm sorry to everyone who is learning about this who saw Kiki in a positive light and I'm sorry also to everyone like me who lost money to her.

I hope if nothing else, Kiki will respond and make whole everyone she has taken money from. If she really cares about this fandom that put her on a pedestal high enough that Alex Hirsch himself picked her to work on his book, she can respond to us and fulfill what we paid her to do.

I'm not asking for my commission to be done tomorrow...I just want an update. That's all. We all do! No more stalling, @kiki-kit. Please respond to us now!

Sincerely,

Every person who has paid you for a commission and has yet to hear back from you and every Gravity Falls fan who your work inspired and are now having to learn this about you!

[wayslidecool]

arabic numerals ranked from worst to best by their potential as the lens in new year's glasses

#10: Seven (7)

seven is a very awkward number for a lot of things, and new year's glasses are no exception. its weird angular shape leaves no opening to put a lens in, and unlike the next entry, it's too wide to comfortably squeeze between lens in the second and fourth digits. and the impressive thing about 7 is that this is a number with plenty of writing variations, and yet i can't think of a single one that makes it an efficient lens! sorry 7. i think you're the best number for a rating scale, but that's about it.

#9: One (1)

the 2010s were a rough time for new year's glasses, huh? coming off the high of the 1990s and 2000s, people were determined to make the 2010s work, but that's a tall fucking order. the saving grace of 1, and the reason it's above 7, is that it's skinny enough that you can slide it between numbers and use the fourth digit of the year as the lens, but the fact you have to resort to that is only further evidence of how much 1 sucks at being the lens.

#8: Two (2)

two is definitely a tier above the previous two entries. it's an interesting and versatile enough shape that you can mess with it to try and make a viable spot for a lens, what with the upper loop and lower angle, but i feel no matter what you try, you always gotta make some concessions. like, you have enough to work with that a talented enough designer can make something that works, but usually the result is more "functional" than "good".

#7: Four (4)

now we're getting into numbers that could actually make for passable lenses. i mean, check it out! we have a closed loop here and everything, that has GOT to count for something! what makes me put four relatively low on the list is that with its right-triangle shape, i can't imagine it being a very comfortable shape for a lens, especially with how much ends up sticking out and downwards. still, a vast improvement over the previous three entries, even if it's basically just a worse 9.

#6: Five (5)

i feel like depending on what you prioritize in new year's glasses, these next two entries could end up going below the previous one, but personally, i think the not-closed round loop feels like a more practical spot for a lens than 4's closed-but-angular loop, y'know? so what if the loop isn't closed, it still mostly surrounds your eye, and feels generally passable to me. this is a number that wouldn't inspire the idea for new year's glasses, but certainly works now that the idea has been established.

#5: Three (3)

three is basically the same thing as 5, and i could even see some people putting it below 5, since 5's loop is a bit closer to being closed than either of 3's loops. that being said, 3's dual-loop is ultimately what gives it the edge to me. it ends up feeling more versatile to me. i feel the bottom loop is generally the correct choice, but just having the option of the top loop as well really helps it out. either way, after suffering through the 2010s and 2020s, i expect the 2030s to be a welcome breath of fresh air.

#4: Nine (9)

now we're getting to the really good ones. i mean, the 1990s are when the trend of new year's glasses started! if this number was good enough to kickstart the trend, then clearly it's a good number to put the lens in. having a closed round loop really goes a long way, it turns out! what puts 9 below the next three entries is the tail. having that swoop down towards your face feels like it'd be a bit uncomfortable, and this issue doesn't crop up with the next three entries. still, 9 is a trailblazer and its place in the New Year's Glasses Metagame needs to be respected.

#3: Six (6)

if 9's only issue is the tail getting all up in your face, then what better way to solve that then just turning it upside-down? it might just be me, put having it brush up against your forehead feels much, much less intrusive than having it brush up against your face. and plus, it can give the impression of a raised eyebrow! bonus! the 2030s-2050s are going to be a refreshing breath of fresh air following the awful new year's glasses of the 2010s and 2020s, but the 2060s are going to be a true new year's glasses renaissance.

#2: Eight (8)

hey, so remember how i put 3 above 5 since i felt the double loop made it a bit more versatile? well now imagine that, but both loops are closed. 8 makes for such a good lens, it's a little surprising we didn't see new year's glasses in the 1980s (i'm guessing having two of the same number is more inspiring than two different numbers?) either way, eight isn't content to give you just one closed loop. it'll give you a second closed loop right above. (or below!) 8 is a versatile number with many options, and i hope i can live to see the day we see it in new year's glasses. a true stand out in its field.

#1: Zero (0)

still, even with all the good years ahead, it's hard to ignore the fact that the best years are sadly behind us, with the 2000s being the absolute pinnacle of new year's glasses design. i mean, come on. a single loop with no frills is basically what glasses designs default to already, so using the middle two zeroes as the lens for glasses? impeccable design. the 1990s were good enough to kickstart the trend, but the 2000s were good enough to make us want to brute force the 2010s and 2020s. if that's not the mark of a good design, i don't know what is.

sadly, it's likely we'll never see design this good again. the next year with the middle two digits being two zeroes is 3000, and while we might be able to execute double-zero designs at the turn of each century, they'll end up looking weirdly lopsided in the process. i believe humans are hubristic enough to try and brute-force bad decades, but multiple bad centuries? forget about it.

oh well. happy new year

[ivorycello]

An Introduction to the Lifesteal SMP - Season 6 Starts on July 6th

The Premise 

Lifesteal is a competitive, PVP based soft-anarchy server, with one core gimmick: In the server, if you kill somebody, you can steal one of their permanent hotbar hearts, with a maximum of twenty hearts. If you drop down to zero hearts, you are banned off of the server, unless another player revives you with an expensive item called a revive beacon.  

One of the biggest draws in the fandom is the incredibly organic improv storytelling that arises from the server, with the competition extending past simple combat. Players clash as they all attempt to enact their own plans, creating moral and emotional conflicts that draw in stream viewers and make the server incredible to follow as events unfold. 

Watching Lifesteal Streams and attempting to have a complete picture of what is going on is very time intensive. Luckily, starting in season five, they do weekly sessions where the most important events usually happen.

How seasons work

Each season runs independently of each other, and the entire world resets when they move to a new season. 

There is no in-universe lore explanation for what happens during a season reset. Some streamers may choose to treat it like they’re playing a different character, but most choose to leave things that happened in previous seasons in the past while still acknowledging it. Knowing what happens in previous seasons may help you understand things more, but is not necessary in the slightest.

Is Lifesteal a roleplay server? Kinda, kinda not. 

Please respect that creators have different levels of interest in rp and are primarily on the server to make youtube videos of a particular niche.

Lifesteal is unscripted, though different players will create and enact elaborate plans with insane amounts of effort, but all of this is with the goal of a genuine, entertaining reaction. 

Most members enter every situation with the primary goal of creating a good video, and their actions often reflect this. Videos are designed to be standalone content. Each video tells a complete story, and doesn't often tie into other videos or arcs. Lifestealers will also twist the narrative in order to create a linear storyline, including changing the order of events, or even just straight up lying. (We’re looking at you, Mapicc.) Due to this, with few exceptions, it is near impossible to gain full context of an arc or event via video alone, as so much context and information will be glanced over or covered up. Streams are a much more reliable way of understanding the full story. 

New and leaving members

The eight new members announced so far for season six are:

Derapchu

Ecorridor

Chiefxd

Kaboodle

Flamefrags

SB737

Hannahxxrose

Manepear

Members who have left over the past season are:

ItzSubz_

Vitalasy

Parrotx2

Rekrap2

Poafa

Midmysticx

Branzycraft

Where to watch Lifesteal

There are a few active streamers and uploaders, who we will introduce below, and there is also a fan-run archive of all Lifestealer vods that you can access here.

The archive runs as far back as 2020, though only becomes mostly reliable around July 2022, when the project started. The archive also has links to every members’ youtube and twitch account, as well as any vod channel they may run themselves!

POV Recommendations Frequent Streamers: If you want a consistent pov to watch, and be able to follow a consistent storyline here are your best choices. PrinceZam: Zam was lifesteal’s most consistent streamer in previous seasons and puts a very large amount of effort into his rp and storytelling. Goes live at random times for long hours. Kaboodle: Kab is a new addition this season, but she consistently puts an incredible amount of effort into rp and storytelling. She streams most days at 7pm EST! ChiefXD: New Member who streams daily at 11am EST. HannahxxRose: New member, frequent streamer, but we don't know how her streaming style will adapt to lifesteal yet. Derapchu: He’s a little bit of a freak. Australian but has a bad sleep schedule so he streams at US friendly times or earlier. Does pretty long streams. Pangi: Has been on hiatus, but usually streams regularly around 2-4 PM EST at an EU friendly time for shorter hours. He typically does sillier, shorter projects. 4CVIT: Frequent streamer when he does stream, but may go inactive for long periods of time. Kinda roleplays, one of the better builders on the server and likes to keep projects secret from chat.

Honorable Mention: Follow these people anyway, they’ll probably go live for big events or random streams. Minutetech: Typically streams large events and sessions Mapicc: Occasionally streams, mostly important events Ashswag: Occasionally streams, mostly important events Jumper: Occasionally streams Bacon: Occasionally streams Woogie: Frequent streamer at the start of the season, but will become less active when college starts again for him Roshambogames: Occasionally Streams, mostly important Events

Youtube: Current Season: Frequent Uploads: Mapicc: Uploads frequently on main and 2nd channel, however he is known for lying a lot in his videos. It’s a little bit funny. Minutetech: Long videos about huge arcs, mostly truthful but may simplify some stuff. Wemmbu: Long videos about huge projects. FlameFrags: Medium length SMP videos. ChiefXD: Has an episodic style, we are not sure how that will change for lifesteal as he is a new member. Jumper: Mix of long form videos and short videos about a variety of topics. Squiddo: Fun, High Effort and Energy videos about a variety of topics. Lots of custom art. SB737: Uploads often but unsure if he will upload Lifesteal.

Do Not Upload as Frequently But Its Good When They Do Planetlord, Roshambogames, Ashswag, Spokeishere, Princezam, Baconnwaffles,     ECorridor, Pentar, Clownpierce

Past Seasons, we linked povs that cover full seasons or large amounts of a season, but other non listed members still have fantastic one off videos about single events or arcs. Link All Videos Playlist (updated infrequently)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiRXq4v6FXPn8D15UEAY6oZuPF23-NTG8 Mer S4 Summary Document

Lifesteal Season 4 Directory (public access version) Cog S4 Summary Doc

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E0Mi2s64to6BzoAJuWHw16lnJpdEdYBXfd62tC7O0jY/edit?usp=sharing Minute S5 Videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6xtt50MzkHWil_vQbgkll9rZTDyfI5k1 Spoke S4: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYmAm1lW6hlgK3WHPORSYeC80PVNUuUcZ All Parrot Videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu0onnEWPanttCW1zIfh25bQ_b5sBo8_p Clownzy S3 Videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCUTLKqDTev0e1y9Paex97_KP-TpF6QIs

Squiddo S5: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlWJegiCG6X_iKkO-CEd6J9GMAhkzYjVn&si=Kx6lLPLZQeexGdio Baconnwaffles1: https://www.youtube.com/@baconnwaffles1/videos

Princezam S3: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmPnYnLs0WLoJTEdRpFBMTS21X631LKtu&si=37bk0Gs1haPYOSEd Mapicc, warning. Unreliable Narrator. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsiSq_WYMOAV7HPEqn8QY_981n19u2qO0 Roshambo: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaa_QQN2V8hZ78ACgXFOGt4tGcfDPTp_B

Stream Etiquette

Do not stream snipe / metagame, which includes sharing or hinting at any info whatsoever, even silly things, about another creators playthrough that the streamer wouldn’t know otherwise, you will get banned in all lifestealers chats. Information revealed via videos is considered fair game.

Do not backseat game or backseat lore Lifesteal Members on Tumblr

Several Lifesteal members have public tumblr accounts they use to varying degrees. Because of this, we use the #Lifesteal Spoilers tag to mark posts they shouldn't see because of metagaming reasons or when we just don’t want them to see it. They’re mostly chill, please just block them if you don’t want to deal with them. hdusa - Princezam lowkeywaffling - Baconnwaffles0 Neverpoor - Ashswag TheRealSquiddo- Squiddo BigPangolinMan - Pangi

Fancontent:

Lifesteal has a big fanartist community and we encourage you to join in!

Duo Name List

Lifesteal Animatics and Edits Wormhole Zine

Minecraft Roleplay Analysis -  Barrier Blocks

[thisisxli]

Hajime x tooru's twin sister!reader who is bold president of a science club in school headcanons?

OOOOH this is a MUST

Miss the old haikyuu 2020 days fr. And man is this my best work yet trust🙏

Hajime Iwaizumi x Fem!Reader(Tooru's twin)

Rs: Hajime Iwaizumi x Fem!Reader (Tooru's twin sister)

Warnings: ANGST, a little bit of bullying, awkward talks of teenage sex, sexual depictions, suggested themes, nsfw(lasts for a sentence or two), disorder mentioned, implied death

Tags: sad.. Bittersweet, fluff, hajime is so cute, hajime acts soft around reader, childhood friends to lovers, high school sweethearts, old age, marriage, a little smut

Recommended song: (play by the end)

wc: 1.5k

a/n: this made me feel nostalgic and pretty sad to write imo.

How you met/first impressions:

You met each other through your brother, Tooru. Tooru was snarky and keen on keeping his best friend to himself but you were even more petty. When Tooru was distracted on trying to set a ball, you would quickly grab Hajime by the wrist and drag him to your hiding place. Occasionally, it would change because your brother would somehow find it.. always.

To Hajime, you had to be one of the prettiest girls he's ever seen in all of his six years of living. You.. also became his first heartbreak. He proposed to you with a ring pop and you refused. "Pee-yew! I don't wanna marry you, Iwa!" He was left super dejected and sulked until Tooru was forced to distract him to get his mind off things. Ever since then, he was always teasing you and making smart ass remarks at you.

He was a odd boy. What made you like and wanna hang around him like Tooru does was that Hajime was adventurous. He seemed strong too. And you wanted two boys to look up to anyways to treat you like queen so you tried your best to boss both Tooru and Hajime around. You entirely started to acknowledge Hajime when he comforted you after Tooru hit you in the head with a volleyball.

How you start to like each other:

Hajime has always liked you since you were little kids. Obviously. But he made sure it wasn't obvious to you or that you were merely someone he stole answers from for science class. Someone who was just his best friend's twin sister. It wasn't like he was gonna stay like this forever... He just didn't know how to approach you. And he has his doubts. He's basically like Paxton Hall Yoshida only that he didn't sleep around and he wasn't that dumb... He just sucked at science. So he goes to you but he makes fun of you for it.

You realize when some random jock drops all the books in your hands on purpose, laughing and high-fiving with his friends. "stupid- STUPID SHITFACE!" Your shout literally reaches everyone's ears. Including Hajime's.

For some reason, the jock gets offended and goes up to you, chest to chest. Except his chest was much larger and higher than yours. "The fuck d'you say?" You nearly recoil when you feel his hot breath hit your face. "I said-" "betta' keep that mouth shut, sweetheart," he cuts you off immediately, wincing when he shoves you against the lockers. People are already crowding and pulling out their phones. Great. But before anything else happens, the jock is roughly jerked back and lands on his butt. And there stands your prince Charming, Hajime Iwaizumi. You notice that his ears are red. Steams were also practically steaming out of his ears. He stomps his way over to the jock that stood up with a small stutter. "Better keep that mouth shut, hm?" Hajime stares the jock down. Clearly, the boy wasn't going to back down so he scoffs, rolling his sleeves up. The jock's eyes quickly widen and murmur a 'my bad ' and takes his leave along with his friends, a few applauses and cat calls being earned from the crowd.

"You okay?" Hajime barely grasps your fingertips in his, looking at you with concern. Your heart was quite literally about to explode over what just occurred.

How you confess:

The tension was awfully SO obvious.. Matsukawa was frantically complaining about the faint flirting and playful teases. But neither you or Hajime did or said nothing. Matsukawa basically face plants at that but he sorts out a plan with Hanamaki and Tooru. Tooru was almost against it but he did have to admit, he literally knew everything about how the two of you felt. And it was painful to watch you and Hajime, it cringed him out LIKE JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY!!

Tooru had sent you a text that he was already home. So it was just you and Hajime. You both left the school in silence. Started walking in silence. Entering your neighborhood in silence. Before you thought another moment was gonna be filled in silence, he tugs you by the wrist. He confesses and pours out everything he knows and feels about you. How long, when, where, etc. You confess too, a smile adorning your face when he looks away all flustered. You kissed him on the cheek before you went in your house, leaving him alone with a hand on his cheek and a slack jaw.

How you get together:

He was waiting for you outside the door after your club meeting ended. He seemed nervous but you knew what he was trying to get at. So you simply do the job for him. "Wanna be my boyfriend?" He gives you that signature head scratching smile, giving you a nod. You both walk home together that late afternoon, holding hands the whole way.

How you kiss:

They're very sweet and slow. Hajime respects you enough to not over step your boundaries unless you ask of him. He gets very wary when you do. "Are you sure? Are you reaallly sure? I don't know.. Suure? Okay, okay- fine, c'mere."

Sometimes things get heated. The way his tongue glides over yours seems like they almost suggest something. You would smirk against his lips and push yourself on top of him to get him flustered on purpose. Or you would... at least try to pin him against a wall. "(Y-Y/N).. We- we can't yet.. not yet.." This would get you very pouty but he kisses you through it and holds you so you don't catch a fit.

What he loves about you (Adults) :

He loves that you stayed through all this time. He's known you about twenty one years and you both have dated each other for nine years. Obviously when it becomes your tenth anniversary, he's gonna propose.. He just doesn't know how... And he seriously did not mean to wait that long..

He loves to kiss your pulses and your eyelids. He thinks those are really intimate to do and he just really loves that you're alive and breathing.

He loves when wrinkles start to spawn whenever you concentrate. It makes him think he'll grow old with you.

When you're married: he loves it when you cling onto him for life on your honeymoon, screaming his name when you're bouncing on his shaft. 'Give me your babies' you chant. It makes him giggle at the thought.

Awkward discussion with your kids:

One of your kids get a unusual.. and awfully weird offer. Luckily, they came to you both about it for advice and for curiosity. "Why do people have sex?"

Honestly, it was like you were ready for this question but you were unprepared. You knew how high school could be very.. Ratchet. Especially with all the drama, sex, hormones... You were sure things were worse for their generation. But you thoroughly explain and answer with all you can to your child's questions, trying not to cringe halfway.

Your husband was NOT prepared at all. He wasn't ready. He wasn't even really expecting this conversation until LATER. man, he thinks. 'Their generation would really bring us all down.' He stays and tries to answer though.. It's mainly just you talking and you seem completely fine and cool with it which he doesn't understand at all.

After an argument:

Usually, a child sulks and becomes completely depressed when their parents fight but oh no, not your child. Your child absolutely loves to step in between you and Hajime's arguments. Your child was basically the anchor, almost. Keeping you two steady.

Hajime would realize his mistakes and so would you. So you both make up to each other and show each other your love, hugging each other and never letting go, falling asleep in each other's arms once you do.

Who gets Dementia?

You, you do.

It's a sad thing, really. Old age was really hitting you both, you especially. It saddened you both but you both knew it would be okay all as long he was next to you and you were next to him.

It would hurt Hajime whenever you would forget his name and slowly how he looks like. But he never gave up, nor did he ever pressure you into trying to figure out who he was. That's also how you knew that man was someone you loved. Every time you would remember though, everything suddenly became waterworks. You would cry about being young again and experiencing so many things with each other without a problem in the world.

Last moments?

"Hajime?" You murmur, reaching out for his wrinkled hand. He turns to look at you, eyes glossy and sullen looking because of his droopy skin. He rubs his thumb across your hand, kissing your knuckles. "You're beautiful."

You smile warmly, closing your eyes just as you tell him so, "take me to the moon."

Fun Fact:

As young adults, Hajime was suffering without you in California. He immediately made sure you never left his sight when he went back to Japan.

At the ages of 6, Hajime had nursed your scraped knee. When he gave you a Disney Princess band-aid, you kissed his cheek politely and he happily accepted it.

[palidoozy-art]

I know I haven't posted in a bit, and I don't usually like to get too political, but:

I am very, very thankful I am fortunate enough to have moved from Texas to Massachusetts, and very, very upset the vast majority of people do not have similar options to me. It doesn't even protect me fully -- federal rights can supersede state ones, after all. The richest trans person in the world is still a trans person, and Project 2025 makes no distinction.

But I'm sorry. This was an election that was ours to lose. Everyone's out here pointing fingers, trying to find a scapegoat, and trying to argue that not enough support for their single pet cause was the reason we lost. But the reality is that It's the Economy, Stupid. We came out of a pandemic that obliterated our supply chains. Inflation and a warped view of the economy was always a hard hill to climb over, and all the social justices in the world don't mean much to people when they think their own livelihoods are at stake.

I am of the personal opinion that any incumbent this election would have lost. Even a republican. Was I hopeful that wouldn't be the case this time? Oh, absolutely! Will I still be bitter about it? Sure will! But no amount of charisma or campaign promises will ever climb over the burden of a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi going from $5 in 2020 to $8 in 2024. I think we tried to handle it the best we could. But every chart showing that inflation is cooling, that unemployment is low, and that we achieved a soft landing and avoided a recession does not matter when you pick up your grocery receipt and feel like you're paying twice as much as you did five years ago.

Don't mistake me for saying Trump would be better, though! He won't. And I will admit, there is a touch of glee I will feel over all the eCoNoMy voters getting to learn very quickly what tariffs are (and do), and the studies of their effects on washing machines. Does that offset the pain of the next 4 years, or justify the suffering of people far less fortunate than me? Fuck no. Spite can certainly fuel me, but it won't keep me warm at night.

I guess this is a lot of words for me to say I'm sorry. Sometimes you are dealt a losing hand. Doesn't mean we did everything perfectly, obviously. But there's no single fix, no single solution, that could have solved people being furious that eggs cost $4 a dozen now. We tried.

Protect yourselves, and try to protect those around you. If spite fuels your day-to-day, so be it. We have to wait and see anyway. I know I'm going to focus more locally for the next 4 years (hopefully to get more housing built, so more people can move here).

[hotgirlssupportlando]

one day x lando norris pt 5

this is a part of my series following one day of every summer from 2016 onwards in y/n’s and lando's lives, exploring their friendship and love for one another. ofc not a smooth ride with some angst and fights along the way. a friends to lovers, growing up together kind of thing. read first part here pairing: lando norris x fem!reader summary of this part: y/n is with her friends watching an f1 race where she and lando met for the first time a few years ago. wc: 1,3k a/n: one of my fav moments in f1 is when lando got this podium, it was and still is so nerve wracking to watch! but yeah let's just forget that that race was without audience, so i modified it a bit :)

summer of 2020

Red Bull Ring, Austria

the atmosphere at a grand prix weekend is something y/n can’t compare to anything else. there was no better feeling than hopping of a bus, walking towards the circuit and hear the f2 cars roar in the distance, you just knew it was gonna be a good day. with a huge smile she and her friends from uni walked along the strip of tents selling merch and drinks. they were on a roadtrip through europe and the four girls and herself accidentally came across five grandstands tickets to the race day and just couldn't resist going. y/n was beyond excited, not only for the race but also as this was the first time she was back at the red bull ring since she met lando there four years ago.

”omg, look y/n there’s the fan stage we have to go there immediately!!” her friend squealed grabbing her hand. excitingly they ran to the crowd who was stood cheering for the renault boys, danny ric and esteban ocon. ricciardo of course got the crowd bursting into laughter at practically anything he said and y/n and her friends were no exception. after a while the mclaren boys entered the staged instead, causing y/n to freeze for a sec. seeing lando on the stage, goofing around like his old self, was some kind of shock to her. obviously she knew that he would be there but she wasn’t prepared to see him like this, like the boy she met at this very place years ago. 

since last summer the pair had met once or twice but it wasn’t like it used to be before he got into f1. he was always so busy nowadays, constantly on his phone when they were hanging out, barely hearing what she talked to him about, it felt like talking to a brick wall. a bit funny that he was always on the phone but it sometimes took days for him to answer her messages or facetime calls. so after a while she kind of gave up, of course they would text each other now and then but not even close to how much they kept in touch before f1, which of course saddened her at times but what could she do? he was living his best life now, and apparently she wasn’t included in that. 

but there he was, 40 meters away laughing at someone’s sign, with no clue that his friend he hadn’t seen in forever was in the crowd too. ”isn’t that your friend? the one that aalways called you?” one friend asked y/n while another added ”ooh i remember him! he used to call you every time when we were at y/f/n’s studying. kinda cute y/n!! you never told us that??”. y/n laughed remembering how she and lando used to talk almost every night that first year at uni when he was still in f2. they would talk about everything, updating one another about every little boring detail in their lives and some nights they would just sit in each others company without talking about anything, with their phone calls usually ending when one of them fell asleep. oh well. now she just waved her friends away, blushing at the fact that they remembered so much details about their old friendship. 

after a while they were heading towards their grandstand seats not too far away from the start and the podium. with a beer in each hand they were soon stood cheering at any minor happening at their part of the track and y/n felt so truly happy with her friends alongside her having the best time of her life. 

later on, with a few mandatory courses at college in german under her belt, y/n tried to figure out what the german commentators were talking so excitedly about lando for. to be completely honest, those courses didn’t contribute too much, as the only thing she understood was ’hamilton’, ’lando’ and ’fünf’ which was probably the language skills an elementary school student would’ve had. but with the help of her friends they figured out that hamilton got a five second penalty and that lando had to make up a whole lotta time to score his first f1 podium. and holy fuck. when y/n understood that a podium was possible? she became a total wreck, she didn’t know if she would jump up and down of excitement or if that would jinx it or if it was best to look away and hope for the best. 

however, that last lap felt like it went in slow motion, y/n carefully watching every motion lando’s car did at the screen in front of them. she saw him drive by their grandstand towards the finish line, immediately looking at the screen. lando's gap was 4.8 seconds to hamilton. 4.8 SECONDS??? did she read that right?? with some kind of magical powers lando had caught up with lewis’ penalty and got a fkn podium?? she couldn’t believe her eyes. how was it possible?

in some kind of hallucination she and her friends ran onto the track as fast as possile and onwards to the podium to see the champagne pop up close. it felt so special to be a part of his first ever podium in f1. seeing him up there with the biggest smile in the word, enjoying every bit of it. y/n couldn’t have been more proud of him.

after all the celebrations and the overwhelming excitement had laid off a bit and the girls were slowly walking away from the podium, y/n couldn’t help but recognize a smaller podium a bit further away. ”i’ll catch you in a bit, i’m just gonna go look at one thing over here” she told her friends while she walked towards the small podium. could it really be it?

it sure was. looking around the podium all the memories from a few years ago came back to her. she recognized every little bit, exactly where she had been running around desperately seeking lando at the podium, remembering how anxious she had been not finding him, thinking she was never going to see him again. and how he appeared from nowhere, surprising her with pepsi and flowers. y/n could perfectly picture it where they had stood sharing their first and only kiss, how happy she had felt in that very moment.

her 20-year old self was now stood smiling at a patch of grass with a half rotten podium on. waking up from her little daydream she realized that after all these years, she still felt so strongly for lando, and not only as friends. she just had to tell him in some sort of way or at least hint about it. so she grabbed her phone, set it up a couple of meters away, turning on the timer and ran to the place where they had kissed. there she stood in her summer dress, similar to the one four years ago, with her hand held up at her eyebrows as if she was looking for someone. *click*. as the photo was taken she excitedly ran to it, opened her instagram dm’s and started writing to lando ”if i remember correctly, a podium at red bull ring means i owe you a kiss?” and was about to add the photo when she saw that lando had posted something on his story. might as well look at that first. 

y/n froze. ”no no no no, this can’t be true, please no lando” she started hyperventilating, falling onto her knees. she looked up towards the sky as to somehow stop the flood of tears that she felt coming. but nothing could stop these heartbroken tears from streaming and she couldn’t care less if anyone saw her in the state that she was. still on her knees she looked once again at lando’s instagram story, a picture of him with a trophy in one hand and what seemed like a girlfriend with flowers and champagne in her hands with the words ”there’s no one like you, love you forever”.

_____

taglist

@amberpanda99 @phantomxoxo @landossainz @chezmardybum @lan4cha16 @tvdtw4ever @starlit-skiessss @dorothea47 @hadids-world @nzygftoji @sltwins

[vettelsdarling]

Darling, thank you for the AMAZING writing for my last request. <3 I am here with…HAMILTON! Here’s the prompt: 5+1: 5 times Lewis calls Y/N by a pet name and one time Y/N finds one for Lewis. I definitely think Lewis would shower his words of endearment and I am imagining a shy, blushing Y/N? Perhaps Y/N wants to find the perfect word/nickname to call her special person. Let your creativity run wild! I leave the rest up to you because I love your writings (obviously). Have fun!

𝐏𝐞𝐭 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬

Lissie note… I am so glad you like my stuff<3 Thank you for this request!!! I’ve never really written anything like it before, but it’s an interesting prompt and I’m willing to give it a try!

Things to note

This is set in the 2020 season

Lewis and reader have been dating for a year and a half before that

Reader is an accountant

Tiffany appreciation

Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Tiniest bit of angst. Blink and you might miss it

Word Count: 4.2k+

Playlist recommendations: 𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟💗, 𝐋𝐇𝟒𝟒

Taglist: @drugged-kitkat, @allwaysalleyway

You were walking home from your 9 to 5 job the day you met him. He’d been exploring the city he was to race in that coming weekend. With your face buried in your phone, aggressively replying to unanswered emails— you accidentally sealed your fate with the asphalt, tripping and falling onto the road. Luckily, it wasn’t an active one. He’d seen you scramble to scrape all your things together and rushed over to help you. Never had you seen such generosity from anyone before. You were used to people minding their own business if you fell or if you dropped something.

“You didn’t have to,” you’d said. He had a number of things in his arms that had spilled out of your bag… including feminine products. He hadn’t seemed to care though. He’d happily helped you load your things back to where they’d belonged.

“Of course I did.” You had managed to collect yourself before falling into conversation with him.

“You’re not from here, are you? I know most people in this town…” He was a new face. Not somebody who you’d seen before.

“Guilty as charged. I’m here for work.”

“What do you do?” It was forward and he had been taken aback but ultimately came up with something to string you along to.

“I’m an engineer… of sorts. You?” ‘Engineer’ made sense to you, as his style was very out there and the designer watches were more than your yearly salary.

“I’m just an accountant.” In stark contrast to him, you had on a white blouse and a grayscale checkered pencil skirt. Your ordinary uniform. Freedom was something you had to give up when you came in for work.

“I see… you work near here?” He had just been following you, not really paying any attention to where your feet had been taking you.

“Yeah, I do. About five minutes from here. Is your workplace near here or are you working from your house or hotel?” Your intention hadn’t been to pry, but the genuine curiosity drove you to ask him anyway.

“I guess it’s near? I can’t really say…  if I’m being honest.” That was obviously not the best answer. He had every opportunity to tell you a white lie, but he slipped up somehow. Did it even matter though? He wasn’t going to see you again… was he?

Days turned into weeks. He had given you his number after getting you home safely that day. You hadn’t been in contact with him until he finally sent you a simple text: “Hey, it’s Lewis.” It had sent you spiralling. You hadn’t been sure whether to pursue the connection or let it slip. For better or worse though, you had replied with a short quip. Not intricate enough to suggest something, but not doing a full swing in the other direction either.

It was, however, enough to spark something between the two of you. A blossoming bud that turned into a bountiful garden. That was you and Lewis Hamilton.

1. Trophy wife

The two of you had been dating for a few years. He eventually cracked, and told you about his actual job on the second date. Though his true identity was a Google search away, it came as a shock to you. Never had you ever believed him to be famous. He was so down-to-earth and humble.

Over the course of your years of dating, he had tried to make you quit your job. Mostly because he wanted to support you, but also because he wanted to spend more time with you. Every waking moment he wanted to spend in your presence. You refused and turned down every offer he gave you. Dating a celebrity was already more than enough for you to handle. You wanted normalcy in your life. Even if that came in the shape of hell sent bosses who cared very little about your well-being.

“You know I can cover you. If that won’t sell you, then Roscoe must. You could take care of him whilst I’m gone.” It was another day of his notorious begging for him to take care of you. It was a sweet sentiment, but even living with him was too much.

“I’m already taking care of him. Lewis, you can’t just make me a trophy wife. That’s not who I am. I want to work,” you said begrudgingly and seated yourself by the kitchen island.

“Trophy wife? Please. You will never be some sort of arm candy for me to show off. I love you. I just want you to take a rest, love.” Lewis decided to deploy a deadly weapon. The pet name. If there was one weakness you had— it was whenever he referred to you with a pet name. It made you all weak in the knees and your feet would feel like jelly. Forget about cloud nine, you were swimming in warmth.

“That’s not fair, Lew. You can’t just do that to me.” You scrunched your nose at him and checked your phone for incoming notifications from your workplace text chain. Or so you thought it looked like. In reality, you were hiding your face from him. It was redder than the apple in the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter.

“Hmm, you know, I’m not so sure what you mean by that, my love.” Oh, how you wished he would stop. It was hard to resist giving in. Especially when he paired it with such a precious smile. Who’d be able to peel their eyes from that?!

“Look, we aren’t talking about this right now. I’ll be on my way now,” you scoffed and left, leaving your lover with the last laugh. Once again, you let him have his victory.

2. Flatscreen

A few months passed before he tried his luck again. With a new offer. Lewis tried to reason with you, but just like always— you simply would not have it.

“No. Never in a million years,” you snapped and closed the fridge a little too aggressively, remembering to mutter a quiet “sorry”. The Brit even got up early that morning to make you breakfast in bed— just for good measure. If you were in a great mood, surely you’d be more agreeable. Yet… he was utterly wrong. You were headstrong and did not agree one bit.

“You need it, sweets.” Again with the pet names. That was the final nail in the coffin for his begging.

“You can’t just expect me to splurge on a flatscreen simply to watch you race on more pixels! I can watch you perfectly fine on our current TV, thank you very much.” You poured him a glass of orange juice and scooped some protein powder in it as well. He drank it all in one go.

“Splurge? You won’t need to. I’ll buy it for you, okay?” He crossed his arms confidently and made sure to smirk like he always did whenever he tried to prove something.

“Okay? What do you mean ‘okay’?! You will not buy me a brand new flatscreen, Lewis.” Your face was flushed and your frustration was only piling up.

“You can’t tempt me with those things you call me. That won’t work.” Who were you kidding? You lived for his little pet names and those brief moments he’d hold you in his arms while the two of you stared into the early morning view.

“Whatever you say, sugar.” Oh, how you wish you threw the juice in his face instead of offering it to him.

3. Restaurant

You were standing next to Tiffany in the Mercedes garage. Both of you were wearing large headphones whilst watching the screens showing your boyfriends. It was hard not to make noise whenever Lewis overtook someone, but you were just able to contain yourself.

Tiffany was surprisingly calm and collected, but wasn’t afraid to groan and sigh if Valterri slipped up. You weren’t the type to show much of anything unless it regarded Lewis. It was something that you’d grown up with. A habit of sorts.

“How long have you been with Lewis by now?” Tiffany asked with a slight tug of her lip.

“A few years now… I don’t think we’ll ever get tired of each other.” You said that as if he didn’t bug you with his endless blabbering about wanting to spoil you and give you every black card he owned. 

“That is just too sweet! I can only wish that Valterri and I will last as long. I certainly love him.” In a way, you envied her position. She was a professional athlete, much like her partner, whilst you were stuck counting numbers behind a desk all day. She was gorgeous too… it was as if a strike of adoration hit you whenever she passed you in the paddock.

“Yeah… Lewis is something else.” You watched him speed past the camera on the screen. A smile spread across your face, knowing he was doing his best.

Lewis managed to secure a pole position, giving you a kiss as he saw you in the crowd with all of the Mercedes crew. Your heart swelled at the amount of attention he gave you rather than his engineers. Especially knowing he was dead serious about his career and his coworkers.

The podium celebration was magnificent. He sprayed the champagne as if he’d won the lottery. Butterflies formed in your stomach at his pure glee. He was adorable.

There was an after-party, but Lewis had other plans in mind. He wanted to take you out for the night. Even though you didn’t mind partying, there was something in him that held him back from letting you do so. It felt morally wrong of him to drag you along to his work retreats.

“You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?” Your face was pressed up against the car window. His hand was on your thigh, gently caressing it. You could almost feel yourself dozing off.

“You’ll see when we get there, honey.” That one was fairly new. It felt more domestic too. That was probably why your cheeks were hotter than an iron.

“You’re crazy,” you said with a chuckle.

“Crazy about you.”

“No.”

“Okay, I’ll admit that was pretty lame.”

“Yeah, it was.” The two of you had a small laugh about it before turning some music on. The two of you had made a shared playlist. One that consisted mainly of your favourites. Since you had far too many, they outnumbered your boyfriend’s.

The ride was long, but the destination made it worth it. He’d driven you to a cliffside restaurant. It was quaint and cosy and had balcony seats. You could see the ocean and its waves cascading onto each other in a synchronized manner. It was beautiful. Lewis was a romantic. Not exactly what someone would expect at first glance, but he truly cared deeply for you and your needs. It was almost impossible to say no to him.

“Lewis… Thank you for this.”

“No, honey, thank you. I won today because you were here with me. It’s the first race you’ve come to in a while now.” The man was perfect.

“Yeah, and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to attend that many. My job won’t allow me and—”

“Hey- no- none of that. Stop making yourself the guilty party here. You’re doing what you love and you should not be worrying about me. I see you whenever I’m home and that’s enough for me.” Your fingers interlocked with his as he leaned in to peck your lips. The support he gave you couldn’t amount to anything you’d ever received from anyone. Even your own family.

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you.”

4. Bath

You were dead. Completely drained from your job. It felt like your body was that of a gigantic slug. You couldn’t move a single limb. Your brain had already checked out, so you were pretty much stuck. Being too tired to move, you decided to take a rest on the couch that you’d collapsed onto upon entering your shared home.

Your boss was a nightmare. He overworked everyone to the bone, and if you happened to pass into overtime, he refused to pay you for your extra hours. Was it fair? No. Was there anything you could do about it? Also no. You had to endure him for as long as possible. At least until you could find yourself a different company to work at. Quitting had been on your mind for some time, but with Lewis travelling all the time— you felt that you couldn’t just stay home all day. You still wanted to occupy yourself with a job.

The faint sound of Roscoe’s pattering paws could be heard inching closer. You didn’t mind looking after him. He was the sweetest and didn’t require much of you.

“I’ll take you out in 5,” you mumbled somewhat incoherently to the dog. He had politely plopped himself in front of the couch, staring at you with those adorable eyes. Your hand reached out to scratch him, as it would give you more time to stall and relax.

The more you contemplated whether or not to quit, the more you started leaning towards a self-destructive mindset. You wanted to work. You had to. It didn’t feel right for you to leech off of your boyfriend. That was simply not an option for you.

“I’m home!” You heard a strong voice boom throughout the house. It was Lewis, who had been out for most of the day. He was usually stuck in a billion meetings and was often hard to reach. You didn’t care about that though. You were just proud of him for working so hard. It made you feel guilty for not working nearly as hard as him.

“Hey, there you are. You don’t look well, are you ill?” He crouched down next to Roscoe to meet your face. Your eyes were closed due to the weight of your eyelids, but you lightly shook your head.

“I’m just really tired. Sorry, I didn’t take Roscoe out for his evening walk… I’m a bad dog mum.” Lewis chuckled lightly at the term you used to describe yourself. ‘Dog mum’.

“No need to worry about that. Your well-being comes first. How about I draw you a bath? I’ll take Roscoe out whilst you soak up some relaxing aromas.” If there was a ‘Boyfriend of the Year’ award, surely Lewis would win. He cared about the little things. The things you hadn’t even thought about.

“Thanks, Lew… you’re too good to me.”

“Nonsense. You deserve to be treated like royalty.” He stroked your cheek, causing your lips to tug upwards.

“I’ve been thinking about quitting.” You announced it out of the blue, but Lewis seemed unphased. Your eyes finally had some strength to stay open, so you looked straight into his. A mix of elation and calmness. That was your Lewis.

“That’s great. You shouldn’t work with a boss who doesn’t appreciate your efforts. Trust me, I would know. I’m lucky to have Toto, but I can’t even imagine working with some of the other team principals.” You knew about Williams’ fall from grace after the daughter of the former team principal stepped in.

“I don’t know though… I don’t want to stay home all day long and do nothing. I have to work, you know?” You had to face the music. There was no way you could quit and still be able to work. Accounting wasn’t special in Monaco. You were likely not someone a lot of companies were looking for.

“It doesn’t matter to me. I can take care of you, angel.”He really deployed your kryptonite. The name made your heart flutter as if the two of you were back in your honeymoon phase. It wasn’t fair.

“That’s a dirty trick, Lew. I’m not going to quit until I find a job I can replace my current one with. I’m sorry. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me.” Lewis got up and stretched before walking towards one of the many bathrooms,

“I’ll prepare a bath for you.”

5. New job

It had been a few months since you last brought up your work situation to Lewis. You had decided to continue until you’d eventually short-circuit. All that mattered was that you were a working girlfriend instead of a stay-at-home one. You didn’t have anything against that lifestyle in particular. It just wasn’t for you.

This day was special. You were cooking a vegan curry when Lewis came out of the shower to help you chop vegetables. It was a celebratory dish, as you had just been fired. Apparently, you had been doing ‘the bare minimum’ and that simply wasn’t good enough. Under normal circumstances, it would’ve been devastating to be fired, but you were elated. It sure as hell was better than quitting.

“What’s got you in such a giddy mood?” Lewis came up behind you and hugged your waist. Your body leaned into his and it was as if you were floating on clouds. Fluffy clouds of love.

“I was fired.” He pulled away from you and got the cutting board out.

“This is great news! We should eat out tomorrow to celebrate.” He started chopping up some potatoes to dump in the pot.

“I was thinking this could be a celebration. Just you, me, and Roscoe. We could throw on a good movie and all.” Lewis didn’t oppose that idea. He smiled and nodded, continuing his feat with the veggies.

Then it hit you. You’d be jobless. You hadn’t found a job to replace the old one with. A pang of guilt hit you like a freight train. You somehow managed to overlook the fact all day. Your breathing became hard and heavy. You had to take a break.

“Woah woah woah, what’s wrong?” You saw Lewis with the kitchen knife and apron. His image was getting blurry from tears you simply couldn’t hold back.

“I thought we were celebrating? What’s going on? Are you okay?” He put down the knife, undid his apron, and pulled you out of the kitchen. Luckily nothing was boiling. 

“I just… I’m jobless,” you sniffled through your tears. The salty liquid coated your lips, and you could taste the despair. You slowly sank down onto the floor with him following suit.

“Well, that was the point,” said Lewis. You found it oddly comforting, but guilt still clung to every part of you. Like poison, you didn’t have the antidote for.

“I don’t want to burden you like that.” You were able to speak clearer after Lewis rubbed your back for support.

“You could never be a burden to me, okay? You are the reason I’m still standing here today with win after win. You motivate me to keep being strong and keep aiming for higher heights. How could you ever be a burden to me?” His words were like a warm hug. Your tensed muscles relaxed a little bit.

“I don’t know… I’ve never not worked before. I don’t exactly come from wealth,” you sighed. As much as it was about burdening your boyfriend— it was about your own values. Coming from what most would consider ‘middle class’, you always had to work harder than your peers. Monaco didn’t have time to wait around for you, so you always tried so desperately to catch up. It felt embarrassing. Your home country was just as forward and busy. There was never time for you. Working hard was a lifestyle that you had to pull off.

“Do you think I came from wealth? I didn’t. I worked my ass off to get here, and now that I have the means to spoil you. I want you to feel that you can take a rest, okay?” His reasoning was flawed to you. There was something about it that just couldn’t sway you.

“Lewis, I can’t be your trophy wife. I can’t.” You shook your head and swallowed hard.

“You won’t be. Think of this as your new job. You’ll have the responsibility to take care of Roscoe and keep the house clean and habitable. Is that not considered work?” There was no other offer on the table and there was no other option. The only way for you was that.

“Basically a housewife.”

“Darling, please.” Your stomach did cartwheels and the butterflies tumbled around in there.

“It’s okay. I’ll just have to make do,” you sighed and rested your face in your hands.

“Hey, at least you’ll be able to come to more of my races— if not all.” Wow, what a consolation… but he wasn’t exactly wrong.

“You know what? I have to make a call. I’ll be right back.” Lewis got up and made his way to the guest room for privacy. Meanwhile, you stared into the white ceiling. You felt so tiny. As if you were just a small speck of dust. An inconvenience. Muffled sounds were coming from the room Lewis had gone into. You could tell that it was about his job. Something that you already missed. Your boss was terrible, but at least you had something to do every day. At least he let you have 10-minute lunch breaks. Which, in retrospect, was far from enough time.

It took a while, but Lewis finally came back. His face looked as if he couldn’t contain himself. He seemed excited?

“Guess what.” He crouched down to meet your eyes.

“What?”

“You have a job.” He smiled and reached for your hand, helping you stand by supporting your waist.

“No need to rub in my new position as a housewife. I get it, Lew.”

“No. I pulled a few strings, and you’re going to be in the accounting department on my team.” Your eyes flew open in shock.

“What? Wait what?!”

“You get to work from home too, so it’s sort of like a compromise. You’ll be able to come to my races and you’ll be working like any other person. Your pay is higher than your last job too.” It was all too much, but you couldn’t turn it down after he’d just done something so grand for you. It’d be rude.

“Lewis, I genuinely don’t even know what to say. I mean, this is just amazing.” Your tears were all dried up on your face, and your eyes were gorgeous from them.

“You didn’t have to do this for me, you know?”

“I’ve told you so many times now; that I would do anything for you, darling.” Lewis was truly out of this world. His generosity and humbleness were his character. That was him. That was all yours.

+1. Handsome

The time had come for the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix to commence. Lewis was in the running position to bring home yet another championship. He had been dominating all season, so there wasn’t really a question of whether or not he’d win. That fate was sealed. It was just a matter of if he could snatch the last win of the season. You certainly didn’t doubt his skills paired with his car. He was basically unstoppable.

“You did great in the qualifying sessions, I’m sure you’ll do great now. You’re starting from pole position. You’ve got this in the bag, I’d say so.” You smiled as he got into his race suit.

“I have no doubts. I’ve got my lucky charm with me.” He looked at you with a silly smile plastered onto his face. Cute.

“I believe in you, handsome,” you cooed and winked at him before walking away, leaving him with the effects of having been called a pet name, when he’s usually the one to get the fun out of you. He felt his chest tighten and tingle. Perhaps the race would be in his favour after that one.

You were seated next to Tiffany again. The two of you were too focused on the race to have an actual conversation. You were completely immersed in your boyfriend, hoping that he’d not only win but also stay safe. You were convinced he wouldn’t do anything reckless though. That wasn’t like him.

He didn’t win, but at the very least he scored a podium finish. You were still proud of him. He was the 2020 world champion.

The crowd surge towards the podium stand nearly crushed you several times, but you were able to get in front of everyone else to receive a heartwarming kiss from your lover.

“You did so well out there, baby, I’m so proud!” His heart nearly stopped when you called him that. You pulled him in for a hug, before letting the engineers embrace him. The smile on his face was immaculate, and you couldn’t wait for the ceremony where he’d rightfully receive his trophy. You had been to the same ceremony a year prior, but something felt much more special about this year. Both you and Lewis had grown so much over the span of it, it didn’t feel real, but at the same time— you couldn’t remember how it felt before.

Safe to say, you were definitely going to stick around for a long time. Losing his lucky charm would be detrimental after all.

𝗥𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗻…

𝘾𝙝𝙚𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙪𝙡𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙧��𝙜𝙪𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚!

𝙃𝙚𝙧𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙃𝙚𝙧𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙖𝙜𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩! (𝙄𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙤𝙣, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 ��𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨, 𝙙𝙢𝙨, 𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙨: 𝙒𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝙙𝙧𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧(𝙨) 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚(𝙨) 𝙤𝙛 𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙩𝙖𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙙 𝙞𝙣.)

[black-dresses-band-fan]

A Guide to Black Dresses (Band)

Who are Black Dresses?

Black Dresses is a Canadian musical band, formed by two women, Ada Rook and Devi McCallion, who are both artists on their own.

The band was formed in 2017, following their first ever single - Paper Planes (cover of MIA). 

Devi and Ada started the Black Dresses project when they were friends, however they're currently in a relationship and implied to be married to each other.

They started the Black Dresses project, as a form of venting, and did not expect to blow up in the slightest. However, following the release of their debut album - WASTEISOLATION, they gained attention of the internet. With their unique sound palette, dark and vulnerable content of the lyrics, and general surrounding of enigmatic no-name artists, they started to quickly follow with underground cult following. 

Gaining much praise, getting a score of 9 out of 10 from Anthony Fantano, and especially, becoming viral over the song "IN MY MOUTH".

Unfortunely the band diss-banded after harassment that Devi received from the internet users after they found her online presence and internet footprint. Both Ada and Devi didn't really like the attention they gathered. So in 2020, they stopped making new material. But did in fact release old unreleased stuff all up to 2022.

In 2023 they announced working on their 7th album and making new music. Releasing more singles and uploading little snippets on them working. Confirming that way that they're a band once again.

The musical style

Black Dresses musical style is based on mixing a lot of genres. As an underground artists, Black Dresses are influenced by a lot of lesser known styles and genres coming from the outsider world of music. 

You cannot really explain their sound in simple words, but i'll try. Their genre is often described as "Noise Pop", but they're much more than that.

I'll try to describe their general sound, but i will go into more details following the guide's part about each individual album.

Most of all, Black Dresses are an electronic band, they do use real life instruments, mostly guitars and drums, but it's mostly electronical elements.

Black Dresses mixes elements of Pop, Industrial, Noise, EDM, Rock, and are mostly described as extremely experimental.

To lesser extent they also use hip-hop, ambience, metal, glitch, synth, and screamo.

Their vocals are rather amateur, which shouldn't really scare you, as it just adds to the charm. They're also notable for their usage of screaming vocals.

Themes of Black Dresses 

TRIGGER WARNING: CSA, Abuse.

The main themes of Black Dresses music are:

Mental suffering,

Living with mental ilness - such like depression or severe anxiety,

Coping with trauma - mostly from their childhood, and the sexual abuse they went trough from the hands of adults in their life.

Healing from those experiences, seeing hope in the future.

And environmentalism - raising awareness about the issues of global warming and pollution.

But there's ofcourse many more songs that don't follow these themes. 

Black Dresses often get accused of being "edgy", however you shouldn't perceive them like that. Their music is full of real struggles that both Devi and Ada are going trough. They do NOT romanticize or fetishize the themes of their music, nor they sugarcoat it or exaggerate it. 

Not to mention their music is full of hope for better tomorrow and wanting to improve, giving it all a positive message.

Release guide

2018 - WASTEISOLATION: Their debut album, definitely the darkest in terms of themes. Essential for every fan of the band, the best place to start. Mostly lighter in sound, doesn't incorporate as much noise as following releases.

Really accessible for newcommers.

2018 - HELL IS REAL EP: A 5 five song EP making a bridge between WASTEISOLATION and THANK YOU. It's a bit moodier than the previous project, but also it's a place where Black Dresses started to use more screaming vocals and noise elements.

2019 - THANK YOU: Second album, much more surreal in the sound palette, much noiser and more electronic. Black Dresses at this point got a little less personal in their lyricism.

2019 - DREAMS COME TRUE 2019: A sequel to their first ever project together, DREAMS COME TRUE 2017 which i'll mention later. It follows 3 WASTEISOLATION songs re-made and re-worked. As well as one brand new song.

2019 - LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR STUPID LITTLE BITCHES: Black Dresses (succesful) attempt at poppier sound. Much less crowded instrumentals and simpler, catchier beats. Doesn't belittle their noise elements and screaming ofcourse! 

2020 - Peacefull as Hell: Black Dresses most popular album after WASTEISOLATION, got an extremely positive review from Fantano and semi-blow up on the internet. A fan favourite.

Black Dresses production got more professional. 

The sound is much lighter and goes into the direction of electronic pop rock.

2021 - Forever in Your Heart: Black Dresses heaviest project to date. Ada and Devi at their most industrial and metal. A lot of screaming and noise. Another fan favourite.

2022 - Forget Your Own Face: Their latest album, as for the time of writing this guide. Their most disorganised project (which was intentional), full of distortions and noise and screams. It was a surprise release and is made from re-made unreleased material going as back as 2019. It contains some of fan favourite songs.

Other notable work:

2017 - DREAMS COME TRUE 2017: First ever released collaboration between Ada and Devi, a short 4 song EP.

2017 - LETHAL POISON FOR THE SYSTEM: A 3 song EP in collaboration with 99Jakes and Laura Les - a member of 100 GECS. Includes first single Under Black Dresses name.

2018 - CRUSH: Single, a cover of Tessa Violet.

2020 - 745 Sticky Remix: Black Dresses remix of 100 Gecs song that ended up on the official 100 Gecs remix album.

2023 - Shines: Single, a collaboration between the band Purity Ring and Black Dresses.

Merch and how to support them

Black Dresses ocassionally releases their albums on cassettes, however they were all limited and are currently unavaible. No official CDs or Vinyls were ever made.

You can buy at any time Black Dresses hoodies or T-shirts on https://black-dresses-merch-store.creator-spring.com/

(Ada also sells her merch on that)

You can buy their albums over Black Dresses bandcamp, or support them directly trough Patreon.

You can also contact Devi or Black Dresses trough an e-mail and show your support with words!

black.squares.media@gmail.com

blackdresses666@gmail.com

 (Please do not send this e-mail to anybody who could harass them) 

That's all, i hope you'll have a wonderful time listening to our gals! :DD

Black Dresses Extended Universe Guide

What's that? You're interested in checking out Ada's and Devi's solo stuff? Well, it might be much more confusing or interesting than you think, in fact, it's a whole rabbit hole. So let me introduce you to, what i like to call, the "Black Dresses Extended Universe" (BDEU or simply BDU). 

BDU is a collective of every side-project, nickname under which one of the girls released music, or any other band that contains either Ada or Devi.

Ada Rook's side of EU

Let's start with Ada Rook, since there's a little bit less going around her.

Ada started releasing her music in 2015, following her first OST for her game (as she's a game dev), and her first EP in 2016 "void memory".

Ada used the nickname "rooksfeather" or simply "rook", however after the release of "Parasite" she started using her full name.

Ada's solo discography follows 8 EPs, 4 Soundtracks, and 6 albums. 7th one on the way 

Her musical style is similar to Black Dresses, but more into industrial and rock side of things. Her older music used much more ambience and was darker, moodier. Her recent style incorporates much more screaming and poppier sound. However, in case similar to Black Dresses, each album have it own distinct sound. 

She also released one album with an artist called Deathirl, "DEATH IN REAL LIFE" and it's extremely rare media, not even listed on RYM. However reuploads of it exists.

She have one Alter-ego, called "Crisis Sigil" Under which she's doing extreme grindcore. Crisis Sigil released 2 EPs and 1 Album.

Ada is also a part of 2 other bands beside of Black Dresses,

"rook&nomie" is a collaboration between Ada and ESPer99, they released 2 albums. Their style is much more poppier than anything else that Ada does.

"Angel Electronics" is a fresh new band formed by Ada and Ash Nerve. They're doing power electronic rock, and their sound is more joyful. They released 1 album so far.

Notable Ada Rook releases:

"Shed Blood" by Rook

"Parasite" by Rook,

"2,020 Knives" by Rook,

"UGLY DEATH" by Rook,

"Rookie's Bustle EP" by Rook,

"GOD CUM POLTERGEIST" by Crisis Sigil,

"ULTRA PARADISE" by Angel Electronics,

"Superego Royal Jelly" by rook&nomie

Devi McCallion's side of EU

Wow, we are in for a heck of a ride... Oh well,

Devi started releasing her music since the age of 15, however most of it is probably lost media at this point. She's putting music out on her own label - Blacksquares, Under many different alliases and side projects, i'll talk about each one later.

Devi's style is mostly indie pop, influenced by sub-genres like dream pop, synthpop, ElectroPop and simply underground pop.

Her music is often simplistic and cartoony, but it's hard to explain her signature style in words. 

But it's worth checking out.

Devi rarely releases anything Under her real life name, mostly singles. But she did release 2 albums Under her real name together with Katie Dey, mixing production of both girls. 

Devi used many different nicknames trough her career, such like Dizzy Girl, Devi April McCallion, Vriska Serket, Walking Patriarchy and The Little Fears, however all of these names aren't connected to any specific releases, as far as im aware (Devi's music is a huge Rabbit Hole, full of lost media and rare material).

It's also worth mentioning that she released a compilation of her unreleased material Under the name "Blacksquares", it's titled "LIFE IS HELL (ASMR)".

Okay, so now we are going to talk about each one of her musical projects. We'll start with 4 of the most essential ones, then the more obscure ones, and we'll finish it all with Devi's other bands beside Black Dresses.

1. EAT BABIES? - A name she really doesn't like to be assiocated with, so it's better to treat this project as a fun fact, rather than the core of her career. EAT BABIES? was her first ever project (that we are awere of) Under which she released 2 albums and 2 EPs. It was much more amateur than what she's used to do now. And she doesn't like to associate this project with herself due of the fact she was much different person back then. 

2. Mom - is her second most popular nickname. It was her primary stage name for a long time untill 2015 when she came out with "Girl Rituals".

Mom released 5 albums. And semi-blow up with a song titled "joyfulthought". Mom is a time when Devi really started to work on her pop sound and signature style. 

3. Cats Millionaire - the third most popular Devi project. Cats Millionaire was active from 2011 to 2013. Released 2 albums, 4 EPs and 2 mixtapes. 

Cats Millionaire is characteristic for overall theme of My Little Pony, since Devi used to be a brony. The lyrics and aesthetic are all about MLP. The sound was much more soothing and toned-down than most of Devi's releases.

4. Girls Rituals - Devi's current main allias and her most important project that's still active from 2015 to this day. Under that name Devi released most of her music, and she really perfected and evolved her pop sound with each and every release. Beside of many singles, she released 2 EPs (one with Ada, one with 4lung, however the second one is since deleted because of the 4lung allegations), 1 remix album, 1 instrumental album, and 5 albums. With "Reddishness" being Girls Rituals fan favourite release.

Now, Let's get over every other side project.

10 Chains - only one instrumental album have been released. It's noise/ambience.

Doro Doro Dono/More Bears- Just one single released each for two of these projects,

traptraptrap - 2009. one album released. Despite the name, it's her usual pop stuff.

Triangle Giant - named after one of Devi's bands, only one EP released. ElectroPop.

Yellow Bile - 3 EPs released. Usual pop stuff. One of the EPs are lost media.

Tiny Magnesium - Really obscure stage name for her usual pop sound. 2 short albums released.

Leader Misty - Pokemon themed 2008 project, one instrumental album.

Holographic Rainbow - Only the soundtrack to the discontinued web comic (of the same name) have been released.

Hexi Wing - name she used to release her self-spoken erotic fan-fiction. You're probably not interested in that 👀.

Now, last but not least, Devi's multiple bands before and after Black Dresses.

Dr. Massive and The Headwound Extravaganza - was a 2008 electronic band that released mostly covers of rock songs. Only one album have been released and the band is 100% discontinued right now. Devi was responsible for programming, drums and vocals. There also were

Mike Will Smith - percussion and vocals,

Allan Burke - synthesizer and vocals, 

Jonathan Oscar Cianni - programming, bass,

And Sensitive Bear - bass and vocals.

Unfortunely i couldn't find any info about the band members.

Giant Triangle - A band where Devi used to do vocals from 2008 to 2016, the band had a lot of members that went and go, but it seems their only official release is an 2020 EP. Usual electronic and pop.

The Various Endeavors? - a 2009 band who's appearently still active? They released one synth punk album, and a compilation of unreleased tracks in 2021. John Bevier and Tyler Bruce are in the band along-side Devi.

VCF Freq - A collaboration between Devi and Boy Pussy, they're doing minimal techno. They're Technically still active but their only 2020 EP dissapeared from any streamings. It's thankfully archived on Soulseek.

Anarchy 99 - A collaboration between Devi and So Drove, they're doing electronic pop rock. They're still active from 2020 and actually release new material consistantly. A couple of singles have been released and one album.

Notable Devi  McCallion releases:

'Self-titled" by Mom,

"3" by Mom,

"Fun Fun Fun" by Cats Millionaire,

"Reddishness" by Girls Rituals,

"Im Desperate" by Girls Rituals,

"CRAP SHIT" by Girls Rituals,

"Cow" by Girls Rituals,

"Rockstar Super Heat" by Anarchy 99,

And that's all there is to BDU ;)) have fun Discovering it! ❤️

[howlettloki]

Less smut, more meaningful words with such eloquence, well executed plot, characterizations and world building.

A Loki (Marvel)/Reader Fic Recommendation

If you’re like me, who loves to read longer fics then this blog post is for you. This list features beautiful books I have read featuring Loki and the reader for the past 5 years. This is long overdue I have been planning to do this for a while now. I’ll do my best to share all of them in one post (might probably edit this once I remember more). One thing, I really love when an author finds a way to not use Y/N. Enjoy the list!

Completed Fics

Frostbite by Maiden_of_Asgard

Synopsis:

Iceland is nice - sure, you probably should’ve picked a time of year when the weather was a little warmer, but it isn’t too bad, and at least you’re away from your desk job, right? It’s a pretty big adventure.

You’ve always said that you wanted more adventure in your life.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This one you’ve probably read, if not go check it out. It’s one of the best out there. I mean, need I say more?

The Proposal by BirdsofHermes

Synopsis:

An AU gender-reversal of the 2009 romantic comedy The Proposal. You work for Loki Laufeyson at Asgard International Publishing. He accidentally lets his work Visa expire and is about to be deported back to England, so he blurts out that he's marrying you. Now you have to convince an immigration inspector as well as your own family that you're in love with Loki or he gets deported for life and you face five years jail time.

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I have read this more than one can count fingers in their hands.

Broken Crown by Michelleleahhh

Synopsis:

Your betrothal to Thor was convenient - brokered as an alliance between two powerful families.

Your marriage to Loki... is unimaginable.

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Please proceed with caution and read the tags. When I read this the first time, I was new to this world but I remembered enjoying reading this piece. I just recently re-read this, and I just found some minor stuff I didn’t really enjoy. Overall the story and the plot got me hooked however, there’s just few chapters that I feel could’ve been explored more and executed better. Still, I enjoyed reading this the second time around.

Fǫruneyti by Evaldrynn

Synopsis:

A story in which a herbalist makes a decision that will drastically change her life, and in which a prince begins to realise that there might still be hope for him yet. A tale of danger, adventure, friendship - and, ultimately, love. 

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️✨

This one I stopped reading at 70%, I have certain icks when it comes to reading and once I reach that ick jar I’m done. It was still beautifully written, got me hooked and all, loved the progress. What can I say, I love slow burns.

The Devil Inside by Ursus_minor

Synopsis:

You're a free lance artist and just running short of rent money for the month, so when your good buddy Thor offers you a one-off job at his sister's company, you take it - even though helping his little brother out with some paperwork sounds awfully tedious

I always wondered what Loki, Hela and Thor would do if they were 'mere mortals'

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️✨

It’s deleted but I was lucky enough to have read this way back 2020. It was one of my favorite back then, because it was hard to find a long fic where Loki is not the God of Mischief but just a mere mortal living amongst us. I honestly forgot most about this story, I only remember bits and pieces, you’re Thor’s best friend and he helped you gain money by working under Loki, like the synopsis said.

A Study In Suit by lowkeyorloki

Synopsis:

You've worked too damn hard to get into Professor Laufeyson's course, and you're not about to let your pesky attraction to him get in the way. Your Professor, however, has other plans.

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Professor Loki. That’s it.

From the Void, With Love by pilotisms

Synopsis:

Torn from time, you have to navigate the TVA with the one person who singlehandedly tried to conquer NYC. Turns out you & him have a future-past. Time is weird.

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This is one of the best I’ve read, this is my second to The Proposal. I fucking love this you have no idea. Wished there was a longer sequel though.

Litklœði by GoldTrimmedSpectacles

Synopsis:

“And the sire promised that he would spend the rest of his days searching for the cure of the flower disease which took his friend. And he did find this cure, but not without a cost,” Frigga explained and stroked Loki’s head as the illusions vanished. “But now, when one is fraught with flowers in their chest, a völva can remove these flowers with seiðr – saving the victim’s life and removing the vines from their lungs.”

The Allmother paused and looked at your small, childish face. Her smile was kind and full, but her eyes lay empty and sad. The knowledge of yet to come lay heavy on her features.

However, be warned my child, that with the removal of lung flowers the feelings of unrequited love will be removed too. As will any remaining trace of friendship. So be careful how you give your heart, my dear. You may never know what you could lose.

Review:

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Hanahaki Disease AU? Anyone? This one is from my previous blog post. Pure feelings. Loved young loki and young reader.

In Progress or Abandoned Gems

Mea Culpa by OlympianWine

Synopsis:

Six years ago yours and Loki's relationship came to an abrupt and messy end, leaving resentment and hurt in its wake. Now you haven't heard a whisper of him in years, until he turns up at his brother's wedding, seemingly changed for the better, and you're thrust into facing both him and the memories you had buried. But a dangerous figure from Loki's past looms overhead, and Thanos is determined to hunt Loki down and make him pay for betraying him.

Review:

💔💔💔💔💔

I mean based on the synopsis who wouldn’t want to read that? Last update was last year, here’s to hoping it’ll update more or I’m gonna have to kms.

Anagapesis by OlympianWine

Synopsis:

You have a perfect life; a loving husband, a beautiful baby. But when it all comes crashing down, you must put survival ahead of sentiment and turn to a darker prince - your husband's brother. Loki is cruel and cold, and he hates you with a burning passion. Or so you think.

Review:

💔💔💔💔

Just when you think you’re falling, he makes you remember what type of person he is. I feel for Loki, but he’s just cruel man. I wish there was more so I could understand him a bit more.

Seiðmaðr by GoldTrimmedSpectacles

Synopsis:

Amidst the fallen brethren of the Vanaheimr war against Muspelheim, the dark prince of Asgard finds himself lost and riddled with amnesia. His words are barbed, his tongue is gilded and his eyes are sharp. He has no recollection of his name or family, but he soon comes to realise that perhaps it is best for the past to be shadowed by the future, and that life as a beloved commoner is better than life as a miserable prince.

Review:

💔💔💔💔💔

I’m a sucker for fantasy and a well executed world building. I love how I’m instantly transported into the world created by the author and I feel alive inside. I wish there was a way to find out what happens next. I just love this so much I wish there was more.

[moonshynecybin]

Hi, new to motogp and i’m a sucker for friends to enemies to lovers and relationships drama and pain so obviously i love marc/vale, i am also think marc is fascinating, but I haven’t found much info detailed info vale’s smear campaign against him/his media savvyness/his entire personality, like i think i grasp the bare bones but, are there any tumblr essay that are required reading to you? Also any good posts about this arm injury (aside for the documentary that i will be watching this weekend)

i love arm. ummmm his documentary is pretty much the story. like the central conceit/plot of the whole damn thing is to chart this latest operation on the injury he sustained in jerez 2020 its GONNA give you most of the information on that. now, that being said. marc is a liar sometimes, so i'm gonna try and gather some resources that might give a better idea on where his arm is NOW, because its something he kind of contradicts himself about !

simon patterson interview with The Race podcast: shockingly candid tbh. i think lil homie was having a bit of a crisis. standing on the edge of a cliff facing down possibly the end of his career. what if the move to gresini sucks ass kinda moment. couching his chances this year pretty aggressively. he ALSO says some stuff about how fucked up his arm still is that hes since tried to mildly walk back cuz hes funny. anyways because im insane i transcribed it:

SP: Did you have to switch teams this season? Did you have to change to something that gave you more of a chance to win after the last few years after how difficult everything has been? MM: Yeah, of course if I change teams its because it was something that I need. And yeah, of course it was a risky movement, but at the same time it was a movement thinking on my career, not on results in a short time. Its like thinking if I have the motivation, if I’m competitive again. You know, I had— three years ago, four years ago I had a very big injury, a hard injury in the arm. And yeah, now its working well, but still is not— I mean its the arm that you open four times. If you ask to a doctor, of course its performing in a good way, but its not the same arm. But I have many question marks inside my head. So, the best way to answer to myself is— do what I want. And yeah, its a risky movement. Why? Because the comfortable movement is to stay where I was, with my people, with my friends, with a big salary, the project. But I decided to jump to a new project and at the moment we will see if I can answer the many questions that I have. SP: It sounds like the reason you did it, the questions you have to answer are all for yourself. It's not about– MM: No, no no no– it's just for me. Because for me— I say many times in my interviews— if I don't feel competitive– and competitive doesn't mean win or win, it means be in that top five top six, and yeah five four podiums, five four victories. Win a championship is super difficult. And especially it becomes more and more difficult when the years are passing and the younger [people] are coming. So the life is the life and every athlete has his moment, and then step by step it goes down. But yeah I need to feel again competitive to continue with my career.  Especially these last four years, has been, I mean– has been a nightmare, but is like it has passed super quick. The other years I was competing. I mean in the last four years I’ve completed half the championship, because I had many injuries, so now I need to find this stability, this pace. To start to create again a good base to fight for some races to the top positions— this is my intention. But to fight for the championship? This is something that still I’m not ready for. SP: You said that you learned a lot, during all of this. Is there things that have made you better? Are there things that youre gonna come back now with like new skills because of the experience? MM: No. I will not be better than before. Because– Yeah, maybe I have more experience, but before I was 100% in physical condition, and I was fresh. People say ‘No, he will come back stronger.’ When you have an injury, of course it's— injury is an injury. When you have an injury like two, three years, you lose the rhythm, you lose the feeling sometimes. And then it's super difficult to repeat all those things. But especially because your body— I mean they say the body is super smart, it can adapt. The body is super smart to adapt to new things, but it also is smart to remember what’s going on there. So yeah. I will be different, maybe— but not better.

theres also this similar quote from jan 2023:

theres also this recent statement from mat oxley talking about his arm and his sort of. show no weakness when it can be used against you philosophy

SO. following with that observation. he's started also kinda. being more noncommittal and vague in interviews/presscons now that he senses blood in the water. show no weakness expose no underbelly type stuff. so theres this in preseason which is actually around the same time as the patterson interview where he's still couching it a bit but hes also very adamant that his arm is working:

and then the BIG change comes around mugello this year, when he was fishing HARD for that ducati 2025 seat and changed his tune uh. QUITE a bit:

finally just some posts psychoanalyzing his ass about arm/injury, MOST of which are fairly recent. here, here, here, here, here, and here. ive also aggregated some recs for content good for learning about him in general here! go with god

[cookiebelle]

Me Fui de Vacaciones • Damian Priest x AFAB reader

Warnings • 2nd person pov (no use of y/n), reader is Afab but I did my best to be as inclusive and nondescript as possible

Smut (18+ MDNI), unprotected PIV sex, oral (m receiving), names (Gatita, baby, you get it), some extremely light kink (spanking, biting, choking, hair pulling), lil bit of Sir kink, size kink sort of, exactly two uses of the word “whore”, porn with an unnecessary amount of plot, tropes galore, idiots to lovers requires its own warning, bad Spanish translations probably.

Word Count • 6.2k words, I have no reasonable explanation for this.

A/N • This should go without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway. This is a wrestling fic, featuring wrestlers. While wrestlers are indeed real people with real lives, they are also playing characters. The people mentioned in this fic are their characters, and in no way am I depicting the individuals who portray them.

Burning logs crackled. One. Two. Three beers became five. Your feet dug into soft, cool sand as you and your closest friends talked around a fire.

It was the beginning of a well deserved mini-vacation, and the five of you weren’t intending to waste a moment of it. So when you all arrived at the little beach cottage you had rented, even at nearly midnight, you were hell bent on getting the most of your time off. So the fire was built, drinks were passed around, and laughter carried across the beach.

Most people called your friends “The Judgment Day”. You just called them family, though. You had met Damian first, in 2020, the near end of his NXT career marking your beginning. He quickly became your mentor as you navigated the tribulations of what it meant to work for the company, a true friend among those who looked at you only as competition. Later, he introduced you to Rhea. Then the faction formed, and Finn joined the circle, then Dom. Your call up to the main roster occurred shortly after, during the draft. The celebration that ensued when you learned you would be working with the rest of the crew was legendary. These, truly, were your people.

And then there you were, a year later, feet in the sand. You played a light tune on your guitar as though it were the backing score to Bálor’s story, leaving the group captivated. Well, everyone but you. You were looking up at the stars, taking it all in, wondering how you could possibly be so lucky. You decided not to tempt fate by asking the universe that very question, but it seemed fate had its own ideas for this week.

“You good?”

Rhea’s voice pulled you from your daydream and all at once, everyone was looking at you. You realized, in your deep state of thought, your random plucking at the guitar had faded to nothing.

“So good…” you grinned, slurring slightly, at which the group chuckled and carried on with their conversations. Crisis averted. At least you thought. Damian’s gaze lingered on you when you looked back down at the frets of your guitar, but you didn’t seem to notice.

It was a drunken stumble back to the house, sometime around 3AM, everyone finally exhausted enough to end the day and refresh themselves for the next. Except you. As they all said their goodnights and retired to their respective rooms, you found yourself on the couch, unable to sleep and watching reruns of the same sitcoms you had seen a hundred times.

—————

“Hey… Hey you…”

You felt something… poking you?

“Hellooooo…”

You gasped and sat up, eyes wildly searching the room until you found Rhea standing above you. It was light outside, light enough that golden rays peeked through the curtains and illuminated her face. You glanced at the clock. 7am. Hadn’t you guys just gone to bed?

“We’re going to the gym. You coming?”

“I thought we were on vacation,” You groaned and laid back down, covering your face with a throw pillow as you realized how sore your back was. Why the hell did you sleep on the couch all night?

“Suit yourself. We’ll back in a couple hours.”

You rolled over, scrunched up but content as the footsteps left the house, got in the car, and drove away. Slowly, you dozed back off into that euphoric state of half sleep.

“Hey…”

Oh fuck. Damian. Your heart picked up and suddenly you were awake once more. You thought you had heard all of them leave, and yet…

“Hey, you awake?”

You remained rigidly still save for your breathing, even as you heard him approach. For whatever reason, pretending to still be asleep was your first and only instinct. It did you little good, however.

In one sudden motion, as if you weighed nothing at all, you were scooped up into his arms. Still, you pretended to sleep. Despite your heart racing. Despite how badly you wanted to lean into the safety and warmth of his chest. Despite the fire that sparked in your core every time you got close to him.

Yeah, you were down bad. The moment he got in the ring to spar with you that first time, you were a goner, and it only got worse as years went on. You had spent holidays together, traveled to countless cities and countries, bared your soul to him over late night gin and cigarettes. You saw him for what he was. When others saw a monster of a man, a Broken Angel as he was once called, you saw someone sensitive, fierce, and loyal. Even the flaws drew you closer, but you could focus on those another time.

You kept the feelings under the hat as best you could. The only time you let it slip was to Rhea, early on in your friendship, your eyes lingering too long on Damian as he walked away from the two of you. She promised to take the secret to her grave. That didn’t stop her from teasing you in private, though, or from dropping the subtlest of hints when you were all together. Hints Damian never seemed to get, or maybe he did. Who really knows?

Back in the present, he was carrying you… somewhere, that much you could glean with your eyes closed. And then you were placed somewhere soft. Already warm and slept in, like the comfiest hug. Wait… was this his bed? You breathed deeply and realized it was, regrettably, recognizing the scent of his hair left behind on the pillow.

He covered you with a blanket, pushing away some hair that had fallen in your face. It was a surprisingly tender gesture from someone like him, especially for “just a friend”, but that was something you had gotten used to. It was one of the many facets of who he was, showing his love with touch. He was always there for you with a hug when you needed it, or a rub to your shoulders after a good match, and he seemed to mess with your hair a lot, too. You thought nothing of it. That was just.. him.

You decided, as his hand drew away from your face, that now was as good a time as any to begin to stir. You slowly blinked your eyes open and looked up as he was still standing beside you, just turning to leave.

“Mmmm hello…” you mumbled, voice gravelly with sleep.

“Shit. Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you up… you just looked uncomfortable and I was getting up anyway so I figured…” He seemed almost nervous, immediately pulling his hands away from you.

“No, it’s fine,” you cut him off, stretching for the first time in what felt like days, “thank you..”

“Okay, well.. you sleep. I’m gonna make breakfast..” he turned back to leave and you quickly grabbed onto his hand, tugging it backward.

“Too early for breakfast. It’s your bed. Come lay down…” your voice was barely above a whisper, but he heard every word.

It wasn’t as though you two hadn’t shared plenty of beds. Traveling on tour was like that. With Dom and Rhea paired off, and Finn preferring to be alone, you two often ended up in a room together, and thanks to Damian’s stature that meant sharing a single king bed. Of course, you didn’t mind. Not even as you laid awake all those nights, trying to quell that burning need you couldn’t seem to shake when you were so close yet so far from him. You wondered how he could sleep, how he couldn’t feel your nervous energy from across the bed. Maybe he could, and just paid it no mind.

This time was different, though. Charged. Like the energy you felt shooting through the fingertips that touched him was somehow a mutual exchange. Like if you pulled your hand from his right now, you would see the electricity connecting them. You couldn’t explain how or why, all you could do was tug on his hand as he tried to decline your invitation.

“There’s no way you’re not tired, come on…”

And, after a moment of your insistence, he reluctantly obliged.

There was a dip in the bed, and you hummed happily as a strong arm wrapped around you, hugging you close for a moment as he got situated. You rolled onto your side, facing away from him so you could hide your secret little smile. Strong arms wrapped around you again, to your surprise, and you shifted until you both were comfortable laying there in each other’s space.

You two always ended up like this, once you finally found yourself able to sleep. You would wake curled up against his massive frame, him holding you in a manner that could only be described as possessive. It was almost as though he was protecting you in your slumber; From what, you weren’t sure. Bad dreams? Aliens? You always played it off as though you two just enjoyed the closeness, drawn to each other in the unconscious. You’d vehemently defend to Rhea that it was strictly platonic. The butterflies in your throat disagreed.

It felt like every single cell in your body was vibrating. You thought there was no way that you could sleep, and yet you felt your eyelids droop as his warmth spread around you. Once again, you dozed, your body weightless despite being hyper aware of the fact that you were pressed up against him. His shallow, sleepy breaths puffed across the top of your head, but you would later learn he was also not sleeping.

No, he was in the same predicament as you. Pretending to sleep while his mind raced and the smell of your hair drew him further into this downward spiral. It was all innocent thoughts at first. Friendly. Looking forward to spending time with you and the others over the next few days. Then he opened his eyes, catching a glimpse of your peaceful, sleeping face and a switch flipped. Suddenly he was consumed by the thought of waking you up and taking you then and there, finally giving into the urge he felt every time he got close to you. Every time he watched you wrestle. Every time you smiled at him from across a room, or fell asleep on him during long flights, or gave his butt a pat as he walked out from Gorilla to the ramp. He valued your friendship more than that urge, though, and it’s stopped him every time he’s nearly gone through with indulging it.

Lost in your thoughts, you only barely registered the fact that he had scooted a little bit closer to you than before, hips flush with the curve of your ass. Something else pressed against you, something somewhat firm and insistent. You blushed, trying to muffle the faintest gasp at the realization of exactly what it was. He had to be sleeping… right? Would he do this if he wasn’t?

You didn’t know what to do, frozen still by the options before you. You could ignore it, pretend to keep sleeping and act as though nothing was happening. That was the safest option. You two could proceed as usual, protecting your friendship for the long run while you pined for him still. Or… you could give in and acknowledge it, say fuck it to all of the doubt and uncertainty.

Fuck it.

You moved to back yourself up further against him, making sure to slowly grind your hips and drag your ass against the clothed protrusion. You heard a low, barely audible noise from him, spurring you on as you arched your back slightly and once again pressed your ass into him.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing…” he whispered under his breath, not wanting to wake you if this was all just some kind of cruel joke the universe was playing on him. His hand went from holding you across your waist to slowly tracing a line down your side, stopping at your hip and squeezing gently. You hummed again, softly, leaning into his touch.

It burned where his fingertips made contact with your skin, feeling that same electric energy as before, stealing the breath from your lungs. It was now or never, you decided, no going back from here. A calculated risk, but you were always so bad at math. Slowly, you reached back, grabbing hold of his hip and using the new leverage to really grind against him. You heard a low rumbling, like thunder in his chest, fingers digging into your hip.

“Don’t tease me…” another barely audible growl of a whisper. You chuckled softly, putting on an air of confidence in spite of your hammering heart, moving just enough in his hold to turn your head and look innocently at him. God, he loved that look. He propped himself up on his elbow, looking you over with a glint in his eye you’d never seen before, something you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

“Who’s teasing?” You offered a smile over your shoulder.

“I mean it…” he brought you closer to him, his lips finding your bare shoulder. He placed a kiss on it, then bit down softly, eliciting the tiniest gasp from you. Another kiss, another bite, another low, sleepy whine from you as your hips begged for more friction. His hand on your hip pulled you back as he rocked slowly into you. God, why did he have to make this so good? It was bad enough that you were past some kind of point of no return, but every press of his hips to your behind only made it worse, forcing tiny moans out of you. Officially helpless to the way your body was reacting to his touch, you didn’t bother resisting it any longer. Your hand on his hip reached between the two of you, teasing along the waistband of his boxers before reaching in. Your hand slid tentatively down his pelvis, running over smooth, hot skin before finally wrapping around what you were looking for.

It was damn near as intimidating as he was. Long and thick and heavy, twitching slightly in your grasp as he grew harder. You couldn’t help but utter a quiet “Fuck”. His chest rumbled as you stroked him a few times, and you couldn’t help but groan with him, the slick heat of your core only growing more overwhelming with each glide of your palm. You felt lips on your neck now, doing the same as before. A kiss, a bite, then another soothing kiss as you mewled at the sensation, your walls clenching around nothing, absolutely begging for him. You’d be lucky if you made it out of this without him marking you, but would that really be lucky? You kept on with soft, slow strokes, breathless as he continued to focus on your neck.

“Are you sure we should do this…” he breathed in your ear, your movements slowing as you processed his question. He was giving you one last out, it seemed. One last opportunity to say “you’re right, let’s stop”, though you both knew you had already gone too far to come back from this. But, with no hesitation, you nodded.

It all happened so fast after that. In half a second you were flat on your back, eyes wide as you tried to choke out something clever or witty to say, completely failing. He wasn’t touching you yet, but nonetheless you were pinned, his massive frame caging yours entirely. Your eyes cut down to discover he’d slid his boxers off, hard cock hanging between his legs. Fuck, it looked even better than it felt. Your gaze wandered back up to his confident smirk. He knew what he was working with, clearly. Smug bastard.

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice…” you couldn’t help but laugh, doing everything you could to look normal, ignoring the steady beating in your ears.

“Just couldn’t help but notice you admiring something…” he chuckled, then leaned back down to kiss your neck, and suddenly your mind was mush again except for him.

You were ripped from your thoughts as you found your top being pulled off and your breasts exposed, his mouth immediately attaching to one. He was all teeth and tongue, frantic and desperate, years of tension finally breaking the dam and rushing through his veins. You couldn’t take your eyes off him, writhing and gasping as he played you so expertly, somehow finding every little sensitive spot and knowing exactly how to wring the most pathetic little sounds from your throat. Had your nipples always been this sensitive? You couldn’t remember. In fact, this all felt so new, like it was your first time all over again. His intense focus turned up to you as he switched to your other breast, the eye contact enough to ruin you both. You broke it, certain you would come in an instant if you held his dark eyes any longer.

Damian let go of your nipple with a tug of his teeth, leaning up to finally kiss your lips, both hands holding your face. White heat burst behind your eyes as his tongue immediately assumed dominance over yours. You wrapped your arms around broad shoulders, moaning shamelessly into his mouth as tongues danced and one of his hands moved to firmly hold your jaw. He only broke the kiss to speak, lips just centimeters from yours.

“Pretty little thing… me estás matando…”

Your loss for words left you grinning stupidly in response. You, killing him? While you’ve lost all sense of chill, not even bothering to pretend to be casual about this? He kissed the smile off your face, biting and tugging on your bottom lip as he pulled away, leaving your lips to chase his as you whined with need. It was strange, the fact that you needed him. You’d had plenty of partners, plenty of good sex. Sure, you wanted them, but this felt like you’d surely die if you didn’t feel him inside you soon. Like your body would simply vaporize without his touch. Maybe this was how it was going to be from now on, feeling like something was distinctly missing when he wasn’t touching you.

Your flimsy cotton shorts were the next to go, his lips finding every inch of exposed skin down your abdomen and claiming it as his own. Eager hands glided down his shoulders and back, taking in the way each muscle flexed as he moved along your body.

His energy was impossible to place, manic but calm. He knew exactly what he was doing, but still moved with an urgency as if the two of you would be caught any moment. Which… was partially true. In a moment of clarity, the rest of the crew came to mind and your heart picked up at the realization that they would be back soon, and this would be over. Or worse.. they could find you two, passionately entangled. What would they say? What would HE say? You feared he would deny it, too ashamed to admit he felt anything for you, even just lust.

Your thoughts continued to race, eyes closing as you panicked. You tried to be discreet about it, but if anyone knew your cues, it was Damian. He moved back up to you, a strong yet delicate hand wrapping around your throat as he kissed you. Well, that was one way to knock out the intrusive thoughts.

“Look at me,” he squeezed ever so slightly as your eyes focused, his tone stern yet soft, “whatever you’re thinking about. Doesn’t matter right now. Tell me what does.” Another squeeze.

“You.”

“And what else…”

“… me?”

“Good girl.”

Another kiss, another squeeze, and he was gone. Back to leaving bite marks down your body. He came down to your panties and let out a silent, somewhat shaky breath. Finally. Finally he had you right where he always wanted you. It was almost overwhelming, but he didn’t let onto that. His fingers gently traced over black cotton, finding a damp spot along the seam of your cunt.

“Oh gatita,” he kept focus along that spot, shooting sparks through your entire body with how inexplicably sensitive you were, “is this all for me?”

All you could do was whimper in response, letting your head fall back to the pillow as your hips chased his fingers, begging for more. He granted you that extra friction, mouth falling open as he watched you shamelessly grind against his hand.

And then he pulled away, leaving you whining from the loss. In a blink, your panties were tossed to the floor and finally the two of you could take in the sight of one another. It took all of the self control he had not to split you open on his cock right there, but he resisted, instead kneeling between your open legs.

You looked up at him, breathing out a barely audible “please”. You nearly took him out right there, his composure faltering as he fully looked you over.

“Perfect,” he exhaled, readjusting his position and giving his straining cock a few lazy strokes, making sure you were watching. Oh, you were watching, nearly drooling at the sight.

His hand found your pussy again, gently swirling a thumb around your clit, eyes locked with yours and hand still slowly working his cock. He wanted to see every reaction, every little microexpression, he wanted it all. He had waited this long for you, years of picturing you in this exact moment. He wanted to savor everything.

You moaned through your bitten lip as he teased, not daring to look away from him. He had you captive, it seemed, frozen in place and begging for anything he could give you. Which is why you whined so pathetically when he pulled his hand away, once again.

He sucked your essence from his thumb, savoring your sweetness. You hummed at the sight, closing your eyes, only to feel his grip on your jaw a moment later to tilt your head up toward him.

“Look at me,” he commanded, his voice deeper, more serious. You didn’t dare disobey him, looking up like a deer in headlights. Something about that voice… you couldn’t quite place it. He growled lowly, bringing his hand back down to your cunt. He collected some of your juices on his finger, running it up and down your slick folds before slowly, agonizingly sliding it inside.

He still gripped your chin, daring you to look away as you whimpered at the sudden fullness. You had always admired his hands, giant and strong and rough, yet gentle. You’d wondered how they would feel in this exact scenario, often finding your mind wandering as your own smaller hand worked to your release in the late nights. It was beyond what you had imagined, so much more. His finger found a slow, steady pace, filling you perfectly and yet not enough all at once. You moved your hips with his rhythm, mouth slack in euphoria, eyes still trained to his.

“So fucking good for me, look how well you’re taking it,” he praised, letting go of your jaw to let you look down at where his finger was disappearing into your tight hole. Then, as you watched, he added another finger, wrenching a moan straight from your chest as your head fell back once more. Now the pace picked up, the thrusts of his hand stronger, more precise as he curled his fingers to find that sensitive little spot. You gasped and panted pathetically as he played you so expertly, looking back down at his hand only to fall back onto the pillow, overwhelmed by the sight.

It’s unfair, how he seemed to know you without knowing you. Without much effort at all from him, you found yourself closing in on climax, your panting gradually becoming uninhibited moans of “Please. Please. Please.”

“Please what, gatita?” He cooed, slowing the pace ever so slightly as he leaned over you.

“Please. Just. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Just don’t stop.”

“Oh, don’t stop?” He slowed just a bit more, grinning down at you. You could only whine in response, hips moving sloppily now, trying to encourage him to fuck you faster. Harder. He obliged… for the moment. Your walls slowly grew tighter, your moans more heady and uncontrolled. You felt the coil tighten. Tighten. Tighten…

And then he slowed again. Painfully. Your orgasm held at bay, he couldn’t have appeared more smug, knowing exactly what he was doing. You looked up at him, flushed and desperate.

“Why’d you do that?” A whine, to which his response was simply to kiss you. Again, he picked up the pace, adding another finger, making sure you felt just how much he stretched you. Oh, you felt it. Your vision went blurry at the sensation, focusing on him and only him.

It didn’t take much to bring you to that edge again, the coil tightening even more, threatening to break with every rough pump of his fingers. He was hovering over you now, leaning down and biting on your shoulder, sucking a mark into it. Apparently, he didn’t think about the consequences of that… or maybe he didn’t care. Nevertheless, he bit again, smirking into your shoulder as you arched your back and rode his fingers, dramatically chasing your high. You were so, so close, every muscle in your body tense, hands scratching down his back.

“Come on, baby. Come for me.”

It hit like a brick to the face after that, overtaking you in every way as you moaned and gasped, holding onto him for dear life. He nuzzled his face into you, kissing and sucking marks down your chest to your abdomen, every press of his lips electric.

Everything felt blurry and yet razor sharp, every muscle in your body twitching in the aftershocks. You barely registered that he had kissed back up your body, hands on either side of your head as he waited above. His lips locked with yours the moment your eyes focused, your hands immediately twisting in his hair, holding him as close to you as you could.

You felt the weeping head of his cock prod at your folds, one of his hands guiding it to rub against your clit, still sensitive from your first orgasm. You mewled with anticipation, your hips grinding down against him.

“Patience…” he breathed against your lips, your hips stilling as he slowly slid inside. Just the head. A gasp from both of you. And then another inch. Fuck. And then another. And another. Until you felt all of him and all you could do was pull him in for another consuming kiss. He started with a slow pace, almost sweet, letting you get used to his size. It quickly grew intense, rough and fast, as he let himself fall into the demands of desire. Your hands grabbed at anything on him you could as he overwhelmed you with his force.

It really was unfair, the way he was fucking you. You didn’t stand a chance against him, not finding a single opportunity to gain the upper hand, left only to meet his thrusts with reckless abandon as you moaned with each moment he filled you. You liked it, though, being at his mercy. You trusted him, strangely. You could probably get used to this.

He’s stronger than you thought possible, his grip on your thighs surely bruising you as you writhed and arched your back at a particularly delicious sensation within you. You couldn’t help but close your eyes, completely lost in the rhythm and harshness of the snap of his hips. He bared his teeth as he fucked you harder. Faster. Tears pricking the corners of your eyes from the intensity. And then his hand was over your mouth, his eyes off you for the first time since this dance began. He was scanning outside the open window, watching a car come down the street, thinking it could be the rest of the group. That didn’t mean he stopped fucking you. In fact, it only got more intense.

“That’s right. Fucking take it.” he was back to looking down at you and your wide eyes, burying himself so deep inside you, you were sure he was ruining you entirely, “that’s it, baby. Tell me how good it feels.” Except he didn’t pull his hand from your mouth, smirking as you attempted to speak anyway, your mind too gone. That is.. until he slid himself fully inside, grinding his hips against yours. You moaned out loud, sure that the neighbors have heard you by now, your walls squeezing around him and feeling the drag as he pulled his cock out entirely.

“On your knees,” a simple order, and yet your brain was static. You blinked up at him before shaking away the fog and turning yourself over, wiggling your ass in his face just a little. His growl shook you, two strong hands grabbing hold of your ass and squeezing.

“Love this ass. Always loved this ass. Estuve soñando al respecto,” he kept squeezing, spreading you and groaning at the sight. You couldn’t help but smile at his reaction, giving it another shake in his face. Suddenly, you felt teeth on flesh, letting out a yelp that quickly became a satisfied sigh, your head dipping down past your shoulders. Somehow, you didn’t expect his hand to come crashing down on you, the slap against your ass ringing out in the empty house. You felt your eyes roll to the back of your head, too immersed in the moment to acknowledge anything but the way your back arched and your chest created the most depraved noise you’d ever heard.

“Oh, you like that, huh?” Another slap, you gripped at the bedsheets to keep yourself grounded, “you like being treated like a whore?”

“Yes, sir,” you whimpered involuntarily, nearly slapping your own hand over your mouth at the realization of what you’d said.

“What.. did you just call me?”

“Nothing…”

A ruthless slap, “Tell me.”

You sobbed at the impact, “sir.”

The growl in his chest shook you, and with little warning his cock was pressing to your folds once again, sliding in with ease and setting a brutal pace right off the bat. You dropped to your elbows and arched your back, eyes closing as your head once again dropped. Of course, he took advantage and leaned over you, one hand finding the back of your head and pressing you down into the bed, holding it there. He slapped your ass with the other, laughing when you moaned into the mattress. It left the prettiest pink handprint, he almost wished he could get a picture of it.

You couldn’t believe the way he was fucking you. Like— like a whore, just like he said. You’d think he’d be gentle with you, being your first time together, that he’d want to show you how worthy he was of your pussy. In a way, he was showing you that. He was showing you his worth by fucking you absolutely stupid, and you were loving it. So much that you weren’t far from another climax, feeling your walls tighten around him, dragging such a beautiful sound from him. His hand found your hair, grabbing a fistful and pulling your head off the bed. You cried out, steadying yourself on your hands. It was overwhelming, every sensation he subjected you to, to the point that you felt completely delirious with pleasure, all sense of control lost. You fucked yourself sloppily back on his cock, his fist pulling tighter on your hair. The tears pricked your eyes again, eyes whiting out.

“Ohhh fuck, are you coming? You filthy little—” he didn’t finish, groaning as your cunt rhythmically clenched around him, his own thrusts growing more erratic. You didn’t even hear him praising you with little ‘good girls’ and whispers of how good you feel, your head clouded with the sounds of your own depravity. You rode out your orgasm for what felt like hours, nearly collapsing as your body ceased quaking.

Your brain was working in half time, barely registering that he was still fucking you slowly, trying to bring you back to reality. You tried to speak, but the words were completely incoherent.

“Need a minute,” you finally mumbled, reaching back and grabbing his hand that rested on your hip. He obliged, pulling out and laying down beside you, pulling you into his arms. Your breath caught gradually, your mental faculties growing stronger by the second despite your throbbing cunt. You sighed contentedly, leaning up and kissing him for just a moment. You had your own ideas, now, and one in particular overtook your thoughts.

You kissed him again, grabbing hold of his cock, still slick with you. Your hand stroked him softly as you shifted down the bed, timidly tapping his leg as to ask him to open them. He did so, and you climbed between them, licking your lips as his cock bobbed in anticipation. You took him hungrily into your mouth, not bothering to tease, too eager to feel him.

Now it was your turn to show how unfair you could be, expertly taking him deep into your throat, holding there until you choked. Immediately, he was gone, head falling back on the pillow until he realized he would rather watch you. Your hand assisted your bobbing head, using your tongue to lap at every vein and ridge of his perfect dick. His groans and words of encouragement and yes gatitas only fueled you, giving everything you had to taking him. You almost wanted him to cum right there, to lose all composure and fill your mouth. He had other plans, however, pulling you by the hair off his cock and admiring the fucked out look on your face.

“So fucking pretty,” he mused, pulling you up to him and kissing you. It was all a ploy, of course, and you let him guide you to straddle him, your hips hovering just above his waiting cock. He ordered you to look at him, your brain already to fuck drunk disobey, eyes fixed on him as he lined himself up with your entrance.

“Go ahead, take it all,” he couldn’t help but grin, brow furrowing in pleasure as you did just that, your own face mirroring his. It was almost too much, almost. Getting your balance, you slowly began to bounce on his lap, leaning on his shoulders for leverage. From there it was an endurance test, the pleasure of riding him only tainted by the strain it put on your knees. Still, you continued, his hands finding your hips to help bounce you on his lap, mewling when his hand crashed down on your ass.

You loved having the power. Loved watching his face twist in pleasure as you grinded your hips down onto his. … and you loved that it took little effort for him to suddenly flip you onto your back once more, placing your legs up around his shoulders as he sunk back into you. Every thrust was slow now. Powerful. So much so that each one knocked you back into the wall. It didn’t matter, you were too delirious by the way he was abusing that little spot inside you, seeing stars as you looked up at his concentrated face.

It was close, again, a climax brewing in your core that nearly overtook you the moment you felt it. Your sighs and moans became whines, hands gripped the sheets below you as he just continued with each knock of his hips to yours, folding you up as he leaned forward and somehow sunk impossibly deeper inside you. You pleaded to him, begged him, did everything you could to encourage him to keep going, please. Just another minute. ‘I’m so close’. But he didn’t even have time to stop, the wave crashing over you as the last ‘please’ left your lips and all you could hear was ringing in your ears and the sound of him grunting through each perfect squeeze of your walls around him.

And suddenly you heard something new. A breathy sort of noise intermixed with ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.’ as his thrusts grew less calculated. Almost sloppy. His hips jerking with every thrust until he couldn’t stall any longer.

“Come on, Papí. Come for me…” you breathed, certain you were tearing the sheets at this point while your cunt pulsed around him, still coming yourself.

Papí. That was all it took for him to fill you, painting your walls as his fingernails dug crescents into your thighs. You laid there, chest heaving as the two of you shared a blissful moment, eyes locked in the realization of what had just happened. And then, as if to dispel the little voice of worry in the back of your mind, he let your legs down gently and climbed up beside you, taking your face into his hands and kissing you. It wasn’t a particularly passionate kiss, but it was perfect for that moment. Perfect enough to ease that budding anxiety.

“We should do that again…” he whispered into your ear, breaking the tension in the air as you burst into a laugh.

“I was thinking the very same thing.”

——

Friends who asked to be tagged: @melisabesurviving @bbygirlnessa18 @missfamilyjeweles @mzv11 @southerngirl41 @thealliasylum @romanreignkisser

[alittlebitofsainz]

a place in this world - ch1

a dream come true. you, a race engineer in formula one, having built your way up through the ranks. sure, the 2020 season hadn’t exactly gone the way that everyone had expected, but this was your chance, your moment to prove to the world of racing what you and your driver, carlos, were made of. but carlos isn’t staying at mclaren forever, and eventually, you’ll have a decision to make…

pairing: carlos sainz x f! reader. slow burn colleagues to friends to lovers (please, from my own experience, don’t follow this pipeline)

info: reader lives in the uk due to working at mclaren, and is somewhat implied to be british. it is also implied that they listen to bbc radio 2 and support leicester city football club. this may or may not be because these things are true of me and I wasn’t planning on publishing this, sorry!

warnings: cursing, a lil’ bit of angst, very infrequent use of y/n, one (1) google translated spanish sentence, a dry british writing style xoxo a/n: hello! welcome to a little passion project I never thought I’d share with the internet. this will eventually become a sort of ‘choose your own adventure’ type series, where you can make decisions about your career that can eventually lead you to different teams and drivers. will be posting a masterlist soon with more info so bare with me! any feedback / comments are always welcome

Masterlist | chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4

Chapter One: … Ready for It?

it had started out like any other wednesday. except it hadn’t, not really. the nature of your job meant that there was no ‘any other wednesday’. most wednesdays meant that you were jetting off to some new country, your wide eyed face in the window seat, reflecting back off the pane of glass separating you from the dancing lights of some exciting new city, 5,000 feet below. race engineer to mclaren-renault formula one driver number 55, carlos sainz, wasn’t exactly what you had listed as what you wanted to be when you grew up, but you were far from disappointed that that’s what your linkedin profile now read, a metaphorical middle finger to everyone who’d said you’d never amount to anything in motorsports.

but by all accounts it had been a relatively uneventful wednesday in your life, in fact even more so than usual compared to the early morning check ins at Stansted airport that you’d grown accustomed to. this week was silverstone, your home race, if race engineers could call it that, and that meant no early mornings, no check ins, no flights, no decanting your liquids into tiny bottles and zipping them into a plastic bag to take through security. this wednesday was a stop at sainsburys to fill up the tank of your vw polo with petrol, and an 80 mile drive west towards silverstone circuit. the most exciting part of your morning was getting stuck in half an hour of traffic on the m25; you didn’t even need the dulcet tones of Richie Anderson on radio 2 to tell you there’d be traffic at Potters Bar. as a native southerner, you could just feel it in your bones.

still, only fifteen minutes late to track wasn’t too bad, considering your lengthy journey, and you were by far the last member of the team to arrive. you would’ve been even less late, but for the fact that you’d sat for the best part of five minutes in your car, engine off, staring at the notification on your phone. there were so many questions running around in your head, first and foremost of which was why on earth did dan from engineering have your number? but the second question, which was possibly the more important one, was why did carlos ask him for it? he said that it ‘might be useful to contact each other.’ if the current expression on your face could be summed up in a noise, it would be a very confused and very emphatic ‘huh?’.

sure, you and carlos interacted a lot during race weekends, that much was a given. you were forever catching up to discuss data, strategies, the car setup, the sandwich options at the hospitality, why the leicester city football team would beat real madrid in a fist fight. so okay, your conversations weren’t allstrictly work related, and you could’t deny that the two of you got on well and seemed to really understand each other, but that was all part of being a driver and race engineer duo; you had to be on the same wavelength. it was non-negotiable. but swapping phone numbers? you couldn’t imagine why the two of you would need to text or call each outside of work hours, and you had work phones for that. which led you to your third and fourth questions: number three, why did you suddenly feel so nervous and giddy with excitement when you re-read his message for the seventh time? (question three point five was why did you re-read his message seven times?) and number four, what the hell were you supposed to message back in reply?

you typed in a thumbs up emoji and then immediately deleted it. how fucking old were you, 65? what next, start talking to him about the cold war? no, you had to keep it fun and casual, not too overfamiliar but not too weirdly distant and cold. god, why was this so difficult? you felt like a schoolgirl with a teenage crush, constantly typing various replies and deleting them again, letter by letter. eventually you settled on a cool, calm and collected response, typing it out and shoving your phone into your pocket before you had time to overanalyse what you’d just sent. quickly gathering up your stuff from the boot of your car, you spammed the lock button on your car keys, just in case the first five times didn’t stick, and trotted off towards the entrance to the paddock.

as it was approaching the hour mark since he’d sent his text, carlos had been starting to worry that he’d overstepped an unwritten boundary. why had he even asked dan from engineering for her number in the first place? it just felt like something that he should have. lando had will’s number, he’d already asked him that. but once he’d sent the message he realised that he couldn’t really come up with an excuse as to why he’d needed it, why he couldn’t have waited until he’d seen her this weekend and ask for her number from herself. like a normal person. deep down he knew why, though he was in some sort of state of denial about it, and it was the same reason that he hadn’t asked for her number two weeks ago in Hungary, or at the previous race in Austria, or when he’d first met her at the start of the season. 

he breathed a sigh of relief when her reply came through, 57 minutes after he’d sent his message. well, the first one that is. the second message came two minutes after the first; god, he couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough to forget to include who he was at the end of the text the first time around.

but it didn’t matter now, because she’d replied, and her words on the screen made him smile to himself, her voice in his head as he read them through three, now four times over. his fingers hovered over the keypad, contemplating a reply. he checked the time - it wouldn’t be long until she arrived at track anyway and they could chat in person, so he closed the messages app on his phone and tucked it away in his pocket, deciding against committing any words to the everlasting aether which was the iPhone messages app.

it was nearing the end of a lengthy strategy department meeting when your phone went off, a few pair of eyes glancing your way as you apologised profusely, eyes scanning over the text before sheepishly putting your phone on do not disturb and placing it back on the table face down. shit, this meeting wouldn’t be finished for another ten minutes at least, and by that time all the bacon and brie toasties would be gone (everyone knew they were the best lunch option). worse still, you hated the fact that you had to leave carlos hanging; pausing the strategy meeting to send off a quick text was equivalent to a cardinal sin, even if it was to carlos sainz. your eyes were flicking increasingly often down to the time on your laptop, the seconds crawling by as the time approached one o’clock. it felt like whichever godlike entity governed the laws of time was toying with you; surely it wasn’t possible for time to move this slowly? the head of strategy wrapped the meeting at 13:04, and you were out of your seat like a rocket.

amy, one of the strategists, fell into step beside you as you paced it down the corridor.

“you’ve heard about the brie and bacon being back on?” she asked; you only had to reply with a grin to give her the answer that she needed. she eyed you up, as much as anyone power walking down a busy corridor could whilst still maintaining maximum straight line speed.

“everyone from strategy and engineering has been in meetings. so who’s your source?” came her second question. you picked up your pace, under the guise of trying to get to the canteen quicker.

she had a habit of taking just enough time to respond to carlos’ messages to keep him guessing whether she actually would respond at all. it wasn’t entirely her fault, carlos realised; she’d apologised for earlier, explaining that she was busy driving. of course she was, how could he be such an idiot? maybe a part of him was hoping that she’d been acting coy, teasing him by waiting, purposefully trying to keep him on the edge of his seat.

carlos saw her enter the canteen, watched with a small, self satisfied smirk as her face fell, the rattan shelf where the brie and bacon toasties had been, now depressingly empty. he left it just long enough so that she was forced to consider which disappointing option to go for instead, before finally calling her over.

“Y/N!” carlos called, watching as her head whipped round, and he had to stifle a laugh at her confusion. he waved her over.

“sorry, I was stuck in a meeting.” she sighed, her voice slightly breathless. had she ran here? he fought back the urge to tease her about it, shaking his head slightly.

“don’t worry about it.” he replied, gesturing to the seat beside him as he spoke. her eyes lit up when her gaze fell on the plate on the table, in just the way he’d pictured in his head. god, he’d never get over the way the simple things pleased her, and he didn’t mean that in a bad way. over the past couple of months that he’d known her, carlos had learned that the little things really mattered, in a way that was almost rare in this environment. she looked upon a brie and bacon sandwich like it was the sun that shined, and if she’d have looked up at carlos in that moment, she’d have seen that he was looking at her in the exact same way.

“is that for me?”

“no.” carlos replied, deadpan. she shot him a look, her face screwed up in a pout that he’d grown more accustomed to the more he teased her like this. eventually he let out a soft chuckle, as a way to say I’m only joking, of course it’s for you, and she sat down in the seat next to him with a playful scowl, which only caused him to laugh more.

“thanks, carlos. you’re the best.” she told him through a mouthful of brie, bacon and toasted bread.

“I know.” he replied, a cheeky grin dancing across his face. “it was the last one as well.”

“amy’s gonna be pissed.” she giggled, glancing over her shoulder to watch as her colleague was forced to settle for regular ham and cheese.

a podium finish to p13. was it worse to fail because of your own shortcomings or because of something that was out of your control? if you’d asked carlos sainz right now, he would think about it for a moment, and then tell you to vete a la mierda.*

his phone screen lighting up in the darkness was the only thing that brought his attention to how dark it had become in his hotel room. christ, how long had he been sat there, staring at the wall, trying to process how frustrated and angry and upset he was? he’d put his phone on silent, tired of all the commiseratory messages that had been coming through, but apparently his bedtime reminder didn’t obey the laws of do not disturb. sighing, he unlocked the device, and quickly scanned down the many notifications he had been ignoring for the past few hours. one stood out above all the rest, because of course it did. he felt guilt clutch him as he noticed the message from well over an hour ago. from her.not only guilty at the fact that he’d not seen her message, but for some reason guilty for perceiving that he’d let her down at her home race. it was stupid, he knew, to feel that way - it wasn’t his fault that his tyre had blown out with just a few laps to go, but he knew how excited she’d been for her first ever british gp, and it had all ended in disappointment. his fingers hovered over the keyboard at the bottom of his phone for a moment, a million different emotions whizzing round in his head, bouncing off the sides like a demented pinball machine. no wonder he had a headache. he drew in a sharp breath before typing out his reply.

*I’m hoping this means somewhat akin to ‘fuck off’

you’d almost forgotten that you’d sent carlos sainz a message of commiseration, which was shocking considering how long you’d been deliberating over it only a mere hour ago. you were back in your own bed in your hometown, seeing no need to stick around seeing as there would be no celebrations this weekend, and carlos had disappeared as soon as the team debrief had ended, making it very clear that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. which made it all the more surprising when you leaned over to your bedside table, bleary eyes blinking back sleep as your vision adjusted to the pitch black of your room, to pick up the phone which had woken you from your sleep.

your eyes blinked again against the harsh light of the phone, taking a moment to focus on the big bold numbers on your lockscreen. 01:03? who was texting you at this time? eyebrows knitted together in an increasingly deep frown, you scanned carlos’ message. as was becoming customary, you read it several times over, this time to check whether you’d read it right. why would he want to ring you, at this time of night as well? your mind started to reach for wild possibilities - was he in trouble? hurt? worse?

before he changed his mind, carlos hit the telephone symbol next to her contact details.

“Carlos, are you okay?” her voice came through almost immediately, sounding equal parts panicked yet somehow sleepy. shit, not only had he caused her to worry, he’d probably just woken her up in the middle of the night as well. what kind of dickhead rings a colleague that he’s only known for a few months at 1am? he cleared his throat.

“fuck, sorry, I woke you up.”

“don’t worry about it, I was awake.” she replied. a blatant lie, but carlos appreciated the attempt to make him feel better. 

“can I help you with something?” she continued, still sounding concerned. he shook his head even though she couldn’t see.

“yes, no. fuck, I don’t know.” he growled at himself for being so confused, so confusing, for not even really knowing why he’d called her. was he going insane, or did he just hear a soft sigh on the other end of the line? he squeezed his eyes shut, collecting himself to try again, but she beat him to it. 

“I’m sorry about today, carlos, it must be tough to deal with.”

sometimes it felt like she knew him better than he knew himself. he dragged a hand down his face.

“yeah, I’m- it’s not great.” he stumbled over his words slightly, his voice catching in his throat. usually he’d be reluctant to show this vulnerability, embarrassed even, but something about the late hour combined with how oh-so-soft her voice was… it made him forget his pride for just that moment. 

“I can’t stop thinking about it.” he admitted, feeling a ramble coming on but equally feeling powerless to stop it. “I know that it was a problem with the tyre, I know that it wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. and then there’s always a part of me that wonders whether there was anything that I could’ve done. like, maybe if I’d driven less aggressively or something, or changed the way I braked around a certain corner. I still feel like I’ve let myself down, let the team down, let you dow-“

“you didn’t let me down, carlos.” her abrupt reply broke him from his monologue, stopping him in his tracks and allowing him to fill his lungs with air, not realising how out of breath he was becoming with his run-on sentences.

“what?” came his soft reply. he’d heard perfectly clearly what she’d said the first time. but a part of him needed to hear it again.

“you didn’t let me down, carlos.” she repeated, with the same clarity, the same sincerity, the same low tone that he’d never heard from her before that made her sound so wise beyond her years.

“you didn’t let anyone down. this wasn’t your fault. I know it doesn’t make it any less frustrating or easier to deal with - there’s nothing I can say that will change that. but please, please don’t blame yourself for any part of it.”

there was silence on both ends for a moment, before carlos let out a long sigh.

“I- yeah, I guess you’re right.” there was something still on his mind, something that one am carlosknew that one pm carlos would never want to talk about, least of all burden his race engineer with it. but that was all the more reason to say it now.

“I just feel so much pressure to perform, now that I have the ferrari contract.” his voice dropped even lower as he spoke, as if whispering it quietly enough could make it not be true. “I feel like I have to earn my place there, you know?”

“carlos, you were P-fucking-3.” 

something about the way she stressed the syllables made carlos chuckle despite himself, and from the way she let out a small giggle on the other end of the phone, he guessed that that had been her intention all along. 

“anyone can see that you’ve earned that seat at ferrari. you’ve proved that time and time again already. this isn’t about anyone else, this is about you, and what you believe you deserve. the only person you need to convince is yourself.”

carlos chuckled again, feeling some sort of playful nature already coming back to him. maybe he’d finally figured out why he wanted to call her in the middle of the night, maybe it was even the reason he wanted her number in the first place. maybe it was because he knew that no matter how crappy he was feeling, talking to her always seemed to turn the day around. she always seemed to make him smile.

“very inspirational.” he replied, his tone almost teasing over her ‘believing in yourself’ speech. the corners of his lips curved upwards as he could practically hear her rolling her eyes on the other end.

“this is what I get for trying to be nice.” she muttered, but her tone was light, reciprocating the teasing. carlos smiled, his first genuine smile in several hours. probably since the last time he’d seen her.

“thank you, really. talking to you it… it always puts me in a better mood.” carlos confessed, glad that this was a phone call so she couldn’t see the way his cheeks lit up a soft shade of pink.

“anytime, carlos.” 

when they eventually hung up the call, carlos felt lighter than he had in weeks, like she’d melted all his problems away with her soft voice and warm heart. he slept easy that night. meanwhile, she was now wide awake.

you groaned when the sound of your phone pinging dragged you from your admittedly tumultuous sleep. it had been difficult to drift off again after that call with carlos, a million thoughts buzzing around your brain like a swarm of bees on cocaine. you felt bad for carlos, sure, but that wasn’t enough to keep you awake on its own. there was another feeling there; if you were to flip through an oxford english dictionary until you found a word that summed it up you might settle for ‘intrigued’. 

you were intrigued that carlos that had decided to ring you of all people last night; surely he had family, or at the very least close friends, that he would rather turn to? but you were also intrigued by your own reaction - why were you feeling so warm and fuzzy that carlos had chosen you, the knowledge that when he was feeling low you were the one he wanted to hear on the other end of the line creating some sort of feeling in your heart, like someone was squeezing it not-quite-too tightly?

it was these questions, and an incessant amount of bin lorries driving past at 5am, that kept you from falling back asleep, and were the reason that you were grumbling now, as you reached over to pick up your phone. the grumbling ceased the moment you read the message and saw who it was from, replaced by a softly murmured ‘oh’, and that strange feeling in your chest again.

as always feedback and comments are welcomed with massive appreciation and open arms! a second part is written and will be out soonish! much love, Katie x

[leennaan]

Leah Williamson/ Coming Home

You were nervous. After working for the royal navy for now almost nine years you decided that you missed enough of important events in your wife’s and your family’s life. When you were first recruited at the age of 18 it was the best thing that could happen for you. You always wanted to step into your grandpas footsteps and you did.

You quickly climbed the ranks until you became captain just after you turned 23.

Your wife was esthetic when you told her.

You knew Leah since you both were just five years old.

You became best friends until she asked you to be her girlfriend on your 15th Birthday.

It was one of the happiest moments in your life.

After you asked her to marry you in the summer of 2016 you got married in a small setting after her season in 2017 both of you being just 20 but you were never more sure of something.

No one even knew you were together not even her teammates and you liked the secrecy it gave you a bit of a rush.

When you were told in 2020 you would be stationed in America for some years you knew it would be hard but you both managed the distance. One of the hardest things was not being able to be there with her when she captained England to the Euros win. But you were unbelievable proud of her.

When she raptured her ACL and you couldn’t be there for her it broke you.

So when you were told that you would have to stay over sea even longer you knew you couldn’t be apart from her anymore so you asked to be discharged.

That is what let you to this day.

Standing in a sold out emirates stadium at the semi finals of the champions league 2023/24.

You talked with Jonas and asked him to help you surprise Leah.

The players knew that a former navy captain would be honored but that was about all the information the players had.

After the players walked on the pitch, Leah captaining Arsenal and after the champions league hymn was played it was time.

You heard the Stadion speaker announce you so you walked out of the tunnel still in your uniform.

“And now before we start with the match we would like to honor former Royal Navy Captain Y/N Williamson for her service.”

Your eyes were only focused on Leah. She gasped as your name was announced and sunk to her knees as soon as she saw you walking out of the tunnel. You could see that a few tears had already escaped her eyes and you felt some of your own tears roll down you cheeks. Her teammates looking confused between you and her captain as you walked towards her.

Suddenly Leah jumped up and started running at full speed towards you, jumping in your arms once she reached you. You caught her and held her close, crying into her neck.

“ I can’t believe you’re here. I missed you so much! Please tell me that you’re here to stay.” She whispered into your ear. Still clinging to your body.

“I am here baby. I am home. I here to stay. I am not leaving you again.”

After you both had calmed down a bit you let her down, still holding her close.

And it you didn’t care that you were standing in the middle of a sold out emirates, four years without holding your love, without being able to hold her were just to long. So you captured her lips with your own.

The kiss was everything and more. You felt her shiver and smile into the kiss.

After what felt like a lifetime but wasn’t nearly long enough you pulled away. Breathing hard and looking at a smiling face.

“I can’t wait until after the match but now you have to what you do best. Win this match. I am so proud of you!” You said and she nodded, kissed you one last time before she went back to her team.

Once the game started you went to Leah’s family and did what you wished you could have done for the last four years supporting your wife at one of her most important matches of her career.

Arsenal won the game 3:1 and qualified for the champions league final.

This evening you didn’t move from Leah’s side. Together you told her teammates about how you got together and everything between. Just holding your girl in your arms.

Nothing could top this feeling.

You knew you did the right thing. Never before had you seen Leah so happy, not even after the Euros win.

Coming home was the best decision you ever made.

“I love you Leah Williamson.” You said to her when you were dancing together at the winning party.

“I love you to Y/N Williamson. Always.”

[adventuringblind]

Drive With You Forever

Chapter Five: Cats, Cluelessness, and difficult communication

Max Verstappen x Reader x Charles Leclerc x Lando Norris

Chapter Summary: a brief interlude in the off-season before 2020, Sebastian adopts Charles, Max struggles to communicate his feelings, and the reader makes a new friend 👀

Warnings: mentions of SH, reader over does it again, seizure like episode, Lando is awkward, Charles is awkward, Max can't do feeling well yet, jos verstappen

Notes: ah yes, the gang is all here now. I have more action coming in the next part. Maybe also some fluffy stuff. I've been trying to get some blurbs done for what isn't shown in the long chapters because I've had to cut down on some things. I would love to give y'all some content of our duo, trio, or quartet doing something specific.

Previous <-

Masterlist

The end of the season means a bit of a break for the drivers. A chance to spend some time with their families. For her, it means spending time with Sebastian and Hanna in Germany.

The trio had wanted to officially introduce themselves. They knew, but the three barely got a chance to interact all together. It would be nice to catch up anyways.

They are all sat at the dining room table. Even the littles wanted to join in on the conversation. Mostly they spout of randomness as they listen but it’s still endearing to everyone.

The three are sat in a row. Charles far left, the female in the middle and Max on the right if her.

“So I’m curious, who gets the middle of the bed?” Seb laughs at his own question. Hanna playfully hits his shoulder. Charles and Max both look at her. She just rolls her eyes as they both start laughing.

“Are you three moving in together?” Hanna asks this time. Genuine curiosity, unlike her husband.

Charles almost chokes. He hadn’t thought about it.

He’s thankful he’s not the first to answer. “Are you saying you want me out?” It’s a playful question from the girl. She’s smiling like an idiot at the banter.

“Of course not. You’re welcome here forever.”

Max swallows his food then joins the conversation. “We were actually planning on moving some things to my apartment since we’re here.” Now Charles feels out of place. Was he not asked yet for a reason? They hadn’t been together long so it would make sense. “Charles lives in Monaco already so I figured his things would be easier to move.” Max explains.

Now he’s confused. Something Max can clearly see. They make eye contact for a moment and Charles is left a mess. “Unless you don’t want to anymore?”

Charles is shaking his head no at lightning speed. He definitely wants to. He’s tired of living alone and throwing himself pity parties over breaks. Plus, he learns he sleeps better when he's not alone.

~

Moving feels more sentimental to her this time. She had more stuff than when she was fifteen.

Sbeastion offered to let them fly private with him to help move her stuff to Monaco. She wanted to, but it was unnecessary. Most of her belongings that she needs fits into an extra suitcase.

Max and Charles both kept asking her if she had anything else. It was getting on her nerves a bit.

Hanna and Seb had done the same thing when she first came to Germay. Though she had less then. Hanna had taken her to get some new clothes because her t-shirts all had holes in them.

Flights were weird. The first class has two seats for each row, meaning that one of them got to sit somewhere else. They often played musical chairs on the plane because of this.

She'd always had an affinity for even numbers.

It was an interesting dynamic they had created. Charles and Max are barely a month apart, and she's just turned nineteen. They get to do things she can't yet. But she's gentle and knows exactly what they need and is far to gentle for what she's been through.

Charles felt that he was playing catch up with the other two. He was new to this and still new to them. He, however, was the best at communication between the three.

Max, having grown up in an interesting family setting, is aggressive and protective. His communication skills are lacking, but he would do anything to keep his significant others out of harms way.

Today was one of those days that Max was struggling communication wise. It had started after an intense phone call where the other two were attempting (and failing) at deciphering dutch.

She'd offered to sit next to him if he needed consoling, but he decided to sit further away from the two. Leaving them to figure out what happened.

This had brought the thoughts of even numbers. If they were flying with four of them, Max wouldn't be able to mope alone.

"Do you think it was Jos?" Charles asked. His eyes had been on the Dutch for most of the flight.

"I would assume so given that he was speaking Dutch, and he doesn't do that with many people."

Both sigh. Jos had been on Max's ass about moving up into a championship title. Che was ready to have some words, either him, next time they were together, and Charles was going to start making a point to celebrate every placement in a race.

It didn't take long to get to Max's apartment. It's not the most luxurious, but it's comfortable. He's planning to get something worthy of the three of them after he gets a title.

Max had successfully locked himself away in his bedroom. The other two left to figure out what he needs. Maybe it is just a time thing?

"Is he usually like this after a call with Jos?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "It depends on if he's praising or berating."

"Can we help him?" Charles is eyeing the closed door and her. His brain working out every way to get him to open up.

She smirks. There always one thing that cheered up Max.

~

Max was choking back tears. He felt weak. Like he was never going to he enough.

He felt bad for stomping off the way he did, but he didn't want his partners to see him like this.

He hears the soft rape of knuckles against the door. "Mon Amour? Can we please come in?"

He grunts, but the Monegasque takes it as approval.

Charles peeks his head in. His gentle steps are coming closer to Max. He doesn't look up. He just keeps his head buried in his pillow.

Charles doesn't say anything, which he appreciates. Just sits down on the edge and lets Max's body dip towards his. Then he's running his fingers through Max's hair.

It's not long before another set of footsteps are padding into the room. These ones softer then Charles, telling Max it's y/n.

She's successfully moved both Jimmy and Sassy into the room from their hiding spots and is holding his favorite movie. She sneaks in and closes the door behind her.

They spend the next couple of hours lying in bed with the cats and watching their movie.

Max feels himself calming down. They don't talk about anything. Aside from occasionally copying the lines from the movie they've watched far to many time.

It's after that he feels like he can say something. His mind finally grounded back to reality. "I'm sorry for shutting you both out. I was just... agitated, I guess."

The Monegasque has his fingers back in his hair in an instant. "It's okay, you needed space. Do you want to talk about it now?"

The youngest places sassy on his chest as a way to comfort him. Her hands intertwine with his.

"Just frustrated that my dad thinks I'm not trying. He started spouting that I'll never get anywhere at this rate."

"That a lie. Jos is obviously lacking brain cells." The youngest pipes. "I can throw him into a wall if you want?"

The idea actually makes him smile.

~

Charles was the next to move things in. Though it was mildly awkward explaining to his family why he was moving somewhere else.

Turns out he can't keep a secret. His family is accepting. Pascale welcomes both into her home. She takes a particular liking to the quiet girl who is still always between the two older boys.

His stuff takes up more of the apartment than hers. The contrast of red and blue is now showing everywhere.

"If Charles is red, Max is blue, and I'm always in the middle, does that make me purple?" She spouts while unpacking a box of ferrari shirts.

Max spits out the water he was drinking. Charles starts wheezing. And she is laughing at her own comment.

"Where did you come up with that, Chéri?"

"Just a thought I've been sitting on since we started dating."

"You're not wrong, though." Max is wiping his mouth clean from the water.

~

It's weird going places together. Not errands and things, but social gatherings. Charles has asked to keep things private for now. He's not fond of the questions people have about the nuances of their relationship.

They came and left separately. Usually, depending on who wanted to leave first, the other would wait about fifteen minutes.

A few months into the break, Lando Norris decides to call Max and invite him and his lover to a party. He does the same for Charles a minute after he hangs up with Max.

The three of you have to hold in your laughter as Charles tries to get through the phone call listening to the same details.

Despite what Lando said, this was not the type of party any of you are used to by now. At least not Charles and Max. She'd been to few and got overwhelmed by it all pretty quickly. Sometimes, she'd use it as an excuse to get the boys out of the apartment so she could have the cats to herself and play around with her powers.

Charles and Max both hate it when she does it alone. They've found her on the floor passed out on multiple occasions. She doesn't care, though. The visions and nightmares of her father were more reason to keep going.

Regardless, this party is small. Just a few drivers who had been in town or live in Monaco are here with their partners.

Kika and Pierre, George and Carmen, Alex and Lily, Carlos is here along with Daniel. Charles is seated in a solitary chair. The couches have been taken. Daniel and Lando on either side of him.

It feels nice and intimate in a way. She hadn't seen many drivers just get together to hang out like this.

Charles is ever the gentleman and offers her the chair, which she takes. Him and Max are now making themselves comfortable on the floor in front of her.

They're eating, drinking, laughing, and sharing stories from the past. It's nice and relaxing.

She taps Max's shoulder, alerting him that she's going for water and asking both boys if they need anything to which they reply no.

She spots Lando in his kitchen getting a drink. It's not an alcoholic one, just juice that looks like it could be alcohol.

She turns on his tap for water, and Lando jumps out of his skin. His eyes rapidly look between her and his cup.

"I like to mix my alcohol with juice...?" His voice sounds unsure. Does he think it's not okay to just have juice?

"Juice is a good choice, in my opinion. Alcohol is strong and feels funny sometimes."

Lando visibly relaxs. "Promise you won't tell anyone? They laugh at me sometimes when I do this."

"I promise."

~

Lando was around more after the party. He seemed comfortable around her and Max. He'd opened up about his anxiety to them and played far to many games with Max.

What they were not expecting was for Lando to show up at their apartment door at three o'clock in the morning. His breathing uneven body shaking like a leaf.

She knew what this was. She'd had plenty of panic attacks.

She guides him inside to the couch and is trying to asses the situation. Get his breathing to calm down so he doesn't hyperventilate.

It takes ten minutes until he's calm.

"Did something happen?"

"Just a nightmare, and I couldn't calm down after."

"Did you walk here?"

He nods his head yes. Exhaustion flooding his eyes.

"Is Max asleep?" He asks.

"Should be. He sleeps like a rock most of the time." They both giggle. Lando is now able to relax in a calm environment.

They are interrupted by two sets of footsteps. Charles and Max come barreling into the living room. Panic on their faces one minute and embarrassment the next. Lando staring at the with the utmost confusion.

The older boys are shirtless and in sweats. Max's arm protectively outstretched in front of Charles.

"...oops."

~

Lando is not stupid. He may be the youngest on the grid currently, but he's not stupid.

He saw how the three of them looked at each other. Charles definitely touched them both far more than what friends do.

Originally, he thought he was crazy for watching them. Yet he couldn't help but be intrigued. How they all interacted. How they just flowed together.

Now he sits on their couch. Max looks like he's guarding Charles and y/n. The Dutch has yet to sit down and is leaning against the wall. Charles is sitting across from him with the females head in this lap. His fingers running through her hair.

It's a terrible feeling. Like he's left out of whatever this is. Three of his best friends spend all their time together, and he's just here. Young and naïve Lando.

"Did you have a feeling this would happen, Mijn liefje?" Asks Max from his perch on the wall. She shakes her head no in response.

Lando had heard about her knack for predicting future outcomes. He'd heard rumors about magic and tarot cards, but she'd never said anything to him.

"Well, you're welcome to stay here in the extra bedroom, and I can't take you home in the morning."

"That sounds nice, thank you."

~

She woke up exhausted. She felt guilty for not having warned Max and Charles. Her mind to far gone that they were mad at her. She spent her night trying to get any glimpse of their future but didn't get anything useful.

She hid herself away in the master bathroom. The wet towel and the floor her new best friend.

She could smell breakfeast. Max is cooking for all of them. They learned quickly not to let Charles cook. Lest they all die.

She was in bed with them this morning. Only crawling out from their hold when she felt them stir.

Every question puts her further into the fog. Was she going to lose them? Are they upset with her? Is Lando okay with them? Would he tell people?

It's too much for her head.

She goes for another attempt. She knows she's overdoing it. The further she goes with less time in-between brings her closer to the edge of her body going numb.

Nausea creeps into her stomach, but she sees them. Further down the line. Happy and four.

Four? This could be shocking, and yet somehow, she already knew. Her mind just needs a but of confirmation that it's possible.

The nausea gets stronger. Her nose is bleeding heavily. She pushed it past the limit.

They won't mind, though.

~

Max is making breakfast and quietly humming to himself. Charles has his hands on his hips, the two of them swaying back and forth to the tune.

"Do you think I should go check on her?" Charles mumbles into his shoulder.

"She may want space after last night, she was taken off guard and might need to peocess." He explains, then turns his attention back to the pan.

"I'm worried, though. She was crying last night after Lando went to bed, and I don't think she slept."

Lando slides around the corner. His face lighting up at the smell of food. "Can I... can I have some?"

Max laughs at the Brit's excitment. "Of course. I made enough for all of us."

Lando sits himself on top on the counter. Watching the Dutch and Monegasque lean into each other. He takes notice that someone is missing. "Is y/n okay?"

Both boys sigh with heavy concern. "She had a rough night." Explains Charles. His body is fighting the urge to go get her. "I can't take it anymore, I'm going to check on her."

Charles leaves Max and Lando in the kitchen. His legs taking long strides back to the bedroom.

"So you guys all sleep together? Not like sexually- I guess - I mean at night to sleep."

Max smiles at the Brit. His curiosity was nothing he didn't expect. "Yeah, we pile into the same bed at night. All of us sleep better that way."

Lando hums. His palm rubs his face with anxiety. "Would you ever add a fourth?-'m asking for a friend..."

Max already knows. Somehow, someway, he already knows where this is going. "Depends. It took months of discussion before Charles joined us. But I'm sure if the right person came along, we'd be open to it." Max turns around to face Lando and shoots him a reassuring smile.

Lando's cheek tint pink, and Max knows exactly what he wants.

~

Charles leclerc is usually someone who panics. This time was no exception.

He'd seen plenty after his six months of being together with his partners. Particularly how the femal among them is prone to violent behaviors against herself. He's seen all of her powers now and how they affect her if she uses them too much. He's been there to help soothe her after night terrors while Max fetches her water.

He was glad she opened up to him about her past more. He knew the generally what had gone on but no details, nothing like what he knew now.

The prospect of her father coming back for her at some point is what drover her to the breaking point on most days.

Now, Charles is faced with a locked door and the sounds of thrashing from the other side. He'd tried picking the lock, something him and Max both learned to do after instances like this, but his hands are far too shaky to maneuver the pins.

So he does the only other logical thing and breaks the door down. Only enough that he can lean it somewhere and not let it fall on her, but it felt cool to kick it in.

Charles has seen a lot of things, but this is completely new. Her muscles are tensing at a rapid speed, and her eyes are rolled back into her head. Her breathing movements are unatrual.

"Max!"

It takes ten seconds, and he's there. His body and mind reacting to the situation. He's trying to hold her in his arms. Attempting to wake her up from whatever trance she's in.

Max hisses through his teeth when he touches her. Her skin in his searing his hands. Yet, he pushes through.

Charles feels helpless. "What can I do?"

"This has happened before. She must have forced a vision. She'll come out of it, we just need to make sure she dosen't die in the process."

The two boys are then lifting her body of the floor. Charles now carries her to the bed while Max runs around grabbing things. Mostly ice to cool her down. Charles rambles on to her about nothing and everything. Max said they should talk to her, giver her some to help bring her back.

Both of them forgot they left Lando in the kitchen. The Brit left to finish making breakfast in light of their emergency. Again, they are shocked to see his pale face watching the scene unfold before him.

"Can I help?" Is all he can manage.

"Do you want to trade places with me? I think the liquid benadryl might help."

Lando is taking over for Max tentatively. He takes the ice pack from the Dutch and places it on her forehead.

Lando can see the sweat and tears mixed with fresh blood. It's scary, and he's nervous. Why are they not taking her to a hospital?

Normally, she's the one calming him down. She always knows exactly what he needs to hear. He's not been in this position, and it scares him to see her like this.

He slides one hand down to her bicep. His fingers tap out the melody to her favorite song. A trick she used on him to bring him back to earth when he got in his head.

About halfway through, she's sucking in a breath, her body sitting straight upwards. Her eyes are no longer stuck to the inside of her head. She's still sweating like mad, and her body is twitching, but she's awake.

She's breathing heavily. Dry heaving and coughing into herself. Her hands are quick to find Charles and grasp at him, searching for the familiar comfort.

Lando watches her intently. Her sobs are painful. They sound broken, like whatever she's just been through was some sort of of torcher.

"Chéri, can I set you with Lando for a moment? I need to tell Max you're awake." Charles whispers gently. Lando takes note of how he's cradling her. His hands on the back of her head and under her legs to support her weight.

She barely nods her approval. Her body is slid close to Lando, who embraces her. Attempting to replicate what Charles was doing. He finds himself tapping the same melody on her knees.

"Was that you tapping? When I was asleep?" She chokes.

"Yeah, could you feel it."

She nods her head against his body. "You brought me back, thank you."

Lando lets his body relax into hers, knowing he at least did one thing right today.

~

Next ->

Tags: @styles-sunflower @purplephantomwolf @boiohboii @reblog-princess-blog @jjsprobablywrong @ipabloramos @jayda12 @faithm120601

(comment if you want to be added)

[silantryoo]

seol yoona (sullyoon) x nmixx!reader (angst)

WARNINGS ; overworking, jinni's departure, mental health issues, panic attacks, cyberbullying, fwb (just kissing dw)

choi yunjin was seol yoona's soulmate.

anyone could see it from a mile away. to the singer, yunjin was the only person that truly reached deep down inside of her. every little thing she did, yoona cared enough to notice. a new set of clothes, a new pair of shoes, a different coffee order.

she was yoona's muse, and nothing could change that.

yunjin was the exact opposite of yoona. the dancer had a firey passion, and an energy that attracted people to her. she was magnetic, she was the light shining in the night, the beacon of hope that yoona so desperately longed for. she was everything that the young idol desired.

like a moth to a flame, yoona couldn't escape choi yunjin's grasp, and she wouldn't have had it any other way.

you had been a trainee for a while, and although you were the same age as haewon, you had been in the company as long as lily had been. you had seen people come and go. you saw the best of the best, the most beautiful, and the most talented, but there was no one that compare to seol yoona.

yoona had joined the many trainees at the beginning of 2020, nearing the five-year mark of your training.

you didn't take notice of the girl at first. your brain felt like mush, and during certain days (or months), it was almost hard to function as a human person.

you were ground to the bone, and thinking - noticing - had become a chore.

it wasn't a surprise that you were exhausted. having trained since the age of twelve was taking a toll on you, mentally, physically, and socially. you never had a sense of true friendships aside from lily and yunjin, too afraid to make a meaningful connection. you were too busy to make friends at school, and although trainees tend to stay long in JYP, there was always a chance that any one of you could get booted.

you had been burnt to the ground, no longer wanting to live watching people around you have meaningful lives while you were stuck indoors overexerting your body in ways that a seventeen-year-old shouldn't have to in order to achieve a dream that only ridiculed you for every single thing you did.

you were tired. you were so fucking tired.

"that new trainee." yunjin spoke out to you in the dim practice room, back on the floor as she stared at the ceiling. you could see the sweat glistening against her forehead. "she's pretty."

you squinted your eyes, trying to remember who your friend was talking about.

"which one?" you hummed, using a towel to wipe the back of your neck. "we got six this month, and they're all pretty."

yunjin turned, her arm hitting the side of lily's bottle, causing it to flop over with a soft thud. "the one that looks like she's gonna cry every time."

lily whined as she grabbed her bottle from the ground.

"that could be anyone, jin."

yunjin groaned, her head going limp, her cheek smashing against the ground.

you sat on the couch, each muscle in your body aching for a bit of rest. you watched as lily gathered her things up, looking around as she thought.

"wait." lily paused. you lolled your head towards her. "yoona?"

you watched as yunjin's teeth peeked through her tired mouth.

"yeah." the younger trainee nodded, lily making her way to the couch with her bag. "yoona."

you felt a dip next to you. "who?"

"the tall one." lily quietly explained, her head falling onto your arm. "she's rooming with jiwoo and haewon. she's really nice."

you wracked around in your brain, trying to figure out who was roomed with haewon. there was jiwoo, the young, energetic girl who you were sure the public was going to love. there was also jinsol, the funniest person in the world. that left...

"the one that keeps staring at jin?" you asked, earning a snicker from lily.

yunjin rolled her eyes. "you're just jealous i'm just better than you."

"please." you scoffed, watching as her eyes twinkled playfully. "i've got main dancer written all over me."

yunjin pouted, something that you and lily had become familiar with since the beginning of your training period. it was a sign that she couldn't say anything more because she had nothing left to say.

(especially since you have always ranked first place in dance evaluations, even when a young dancer named kyujin joined two years ago.)

lily laughed, her head wracking against your shoulder as you exhaled sharply.

"that's not fair!" yunjin complained. "you trained longer than me!"

you rolled your eyes. "by six months."

"lily-unnie!" yunjin continued to whine, trying to find someone to defend her. "she's being annoying."

you looked over to lily, the australian smiling mischievously. "she's got a point, y/nnie."

you shook your head. lily couldn't help but take the youngest side no matter what. you couldn't blame her, yunjin was like a younger sister to the both of you.

"you guys suck."

yunjin stuck her tongue out, and if you had any energy left, you would've too, but the ten-hour training day was starting to affect you. you needed some rest, some food, anything to keep you from crashing horribly.

"let's go get food?" lily suggested.

you nodded, standing up as you walked over to yunjin.

("lift me up." "can you give me a second?" "lift me up.")

you were glad you lived in south korea, where food vendors sold cheap, delicious food at two in the morning.

if you asked yoona what she was scared of in late 2020, she would tell you two things; choi yunjin and group evaluations.

"yoona, you're with y/n and yunjin. sound good?"

suffice it to say, yoona was terrified.

she walked over to the two of you, slightly shivering at the thought of being so close to yunjin, and to a degree, you.

she had known about yunjin, and she had always been intimidated by her. looking at her hurt yoona's eyes, like staring into the sun, a star oh-so bright, a firey ball of pure talent and skill. her voice made yoona's heart nearly burst out of her chest, and her smile...

yoona didn't know if she wanted to see it or avoid it.

you, on the other hand, were the opposite. just like your seniors, TWICE's momo and ITZY's yeji, many trainees had called you 'JYP's Ice Princess. though you were much more introverted than yunjin, you were still friendly to those who needed your help. you were a mystery to yoona, your cold eyes that scanned for any mistakes, your sharp gaze that monitored for any error.

yoona was terrified of you.

haewon had given her as much reassurance as she could've. she ensured that you were no one to be terrified of, and that if anything, if she could become friends with haewon, she could become friends with a 'nerd like y/n'.

yoona flinched as your eyes met hers.

yunjin was right, you thought, scanning the girl up and down, she is pretty. like a butterfly.

yunjin stood up, ushering you to stand along with her. you followed the younger girl, bowing slightly when she did.

"hi. i'm choi yunjin. this is l/n y/n." she introduced, a smile bright on her face. "i don't think we've met properly."

the girl in front of you bowed, her eyes looking everywhere but the two of you. "i'm seol yoona."

"nice to meet you, seol yoona." yunjin grimaced, watching the taller girl flinch. "don't be too scared of her. her face is just like that."

yoona held her breath, the rumors about your fierce nature invading her brain.

you rolled your eyes. of course you were yunjin's sacrificial goat. "you're the worst."

she stuck her tongue out, and you flicked it as hard as you could.

she yelped, covering her mouth as she whined a muffled, "i'm telling lily-unnie!"

"oh no!" you teased, your eyes twinkling as you looked briefly at yoona. "what will i do?"

yunjin whined, complaining to the new addition of your group about your 'bullying'. you rolled your eyes, noticing the lingering feeling in the air as yoona stared at the girl beside you.

even when longing for someone, yoona looked pretty.

the lineup of jyp's unnamed girl group was finalized in january 2021. it consists of eight girls; lily marrow, oh haewon, l/n y/n, seol yoona, choi yunjin, bae jinsol, kim jiwoo, and jang kyujin. contracts had been signed the first week of the year, and there was nothing left to do as a trainee.

except, of course, to prepare for debut.

you and yunjin complained to lily, hating the fact that despite the years of hard work, you had to continue, pushing yourselves even harder (if you even could).

though you protested, you couldn't argue that there were definitely positives.

you felt like you were no longer suffering through the training by yourself. your work ethic matched haewon's, and you found yourself warming up slowly to the other girls, specifically kyujin who you couldn't help but baby.

life was harder than ever, but it felt as if it was starting to look up.

the eight of you sat together, in the practice room after a long twelve-hour day of non-stop dancing and singing. jinsol had brought up the topic of positions, stating that lily would be the main vocal, which spiraled into an in-depth discussion.

you sat cross-legged, kyujin on your lap as you played with her hair. to your left haewon lay on her stomach, head propped up by her hands.

lily furrowed her eyebrows, staring at the ceiling as she thought. "i think-"

"that's not good." you chuckled, earning a giggle from the other girls.

lily whined, "y/n-ah!"

"unnie, when you think, something explodes." you explained, remembering that about a year ago in the artist's lounge. lily had microwaved a metal container that started sparking, causing the fire detector to beep during twice's live.

"the microwave didn't explode, okay?" lily explained, yunjin shaking her head.

haewon pointed to you. "she's right, unnie."

lily pouted, suddenly understanding why you had been so grumpy for so long.

"where were we?" kyujin asked, adjusting herself to that her cheek squished against your lap and her legs were on top of jiwoo's back.

jiwoo pushed the youngest legs off, twirling her pen as she glared at the girl. "we just need the positions for jinsol-unnie and yoona-unnie."

you looked at the girl in front of you, her soft doe eyes looking straight at yunjin. you knew that look anywhere. it was the look that yeji had given ryujin back when you were all trainees.

you didn't know why it burned so badly in your chest, but you couldn't tear your eyes away. yoona looked so beautiful, longing for someone she couldn't have.

"yoona should be the visual." yunjin announced, your eyes never leaving yoona's.

the girl's face burned bright red as the others turned to her, waiting for a reaction.

"i don't know..."

"you're pretty as fu-" haewon slapped the younger girl's shoulder. "i've been in this industry long enough-"

"wow." you scoffed jokingly, ignoring the suffocating feeling that was starting to consume you. "you're using your power to rig the lineup? wo-ow!"

"yunjin," haewon scolded, slightly annoyed but playful regardless. "don't hit your elders."

yunjin lips jutted out, and you watched as yoona briefly - painfully - looked at them. "she's not an elder, she's just old."

you looked away, yunjin smiling at you brightly as lily shook her head.

"i'll bite you, choi yunjin."

the younger girl stuck her tongue out.

"so," jiwoo cleared her throat, trying to get back on track before your break finished. "yoona-unnie would be visual?"

the girls hummed in agreement, watching as jiwoo started writing. you gaze made it's way back to yoona's, a rehearsed smile plastered onto her face as if she was just nodding along to whatever yunjin said. you couldn't blame her. yunjin had a way of persuading people, her bright personality made her hard to disappoint.

still, you could tell that something was wrong, and that was enough for you to take action.

"what if we just didn't?" you spoke, voice stern as your eyes trained on the paper in front of jiwoo ('sul seol yoona - visual'). the room became quiet, and you looked around to find seven pairs of eyes staring at you. "what? we'd be one of the only groups to not have an official visual. plus, yoona isn't only pretty. she's a good singer."

yoona was terrified of you, you were ice cold. never talking unless necessary, always assertive, always knowing what you wanted.

"are you an alien?"

but perhaps she had given in to the rumors too soon. perhaps you weren't ice cold, like the winters she had experienced since childhood, but the cool, comforting breeze of the spring.

"what?"

"unnie!" jinsol squealed, her heart on her chest. "my heart is fluttering and i'm not even yoona."

"what?" you looked around, confused. lily watched as you looked at everyone except yoona. "what did i do?"

the oldest of the group smiled, observing how your face turned a bright red.

the cool air blew through the windows of the practice room, the birds chirping in the distance. the snow had fully melted everywhere in seoul, and there was nothing in the sky but the bright sun. everything was at peace, but with each passing day, each girl felt the pressure of the debut.

truth be told, it was starting to get to you. if you were lucky, you'd sleep three hours, eating two meals a day from the local convenient store. your body ached, and some days, you'd wake up crying from the pain in your knees due to overuse.

but you held it together. you, haewon, and lily. you powered through it as best as you could, and supported the other girls when they couldn't.

"unnie." yoona muttered, the two of you taking a break from working on the footwork of the unreleased title track.

you smiled, the sound of the younger girl's voice never failing to make your heart race. there was something so enticing about her, and you could never get enough of it.

"yoona." you hummed back.

"can i..." she hesitated, her cheeks turning a bright red. "can i talk to you?"

you turned to the girl, a familiar emotion swirling in her eyes. worry, fear. you knew that well - better than anyone, in fact.

you nodded, making your way next to the open window beside her. your arm grazed against the young idol's, and the spring breeze blew blowing against her back. she shivered, a chill running up and down her spine.

"i'm worried about the debut." yoona muttered. "what if they don't like me?"

nodding, you scanned her features. her eyes - golden brown against the sunlight, like a monarch on its favorite flower - trained to the ground.

no one could hate seol yoona, especially not you.

"they'll like you," you stated.

yoona shook her head. "you never know."

"i do know." you smiled at the girl - cool and calm, and unlike with yunjin, her heart nearly stopped. "you got me to like you."

"you didn't like me before?" yoona asked,

"i didn't know you before." but you were glad to now, not that you'd ever say that to her (at least, not yet). "but i liked you as soon as i met you."

"oh." yoona smiled, closing her eyes as she felt the wind run through her hair. "do you think they'll like us?"

"yeah." you followed the younger girl, closing your eyes and letting the air engulf you. "i think they'll love us."

you were sure of it.

nmixx.

an experimental girl group under JYP that takes music from two completely different genres and mixes the two together. they debuted, sending the industry in shock in february of 2022.

you were wrong. they hated you.

you were rattled. though berated for every single thing since the age of twelve - height, weight, skin, voice, tone, style - there was nothing that could compare you to the battlezone of the public. hidden behind the bright screens were people who hated you, people who wanted you gone.

you'd never show it, but slowly, you were starting to agree with them.

yunjin, jiwoo, and jinsol were the ones who had it the worst. the public had no mercy, wanting the three out of the group for the simplest things. some had even found yunjin's home address, sending threatening messages about how she was 'stealing the spotlight' from the rest of the girls.

how had it only been three months? how had it gotten this bad?

you tossed, listening to the soft snores of your roommate, lily. the door creaked open, revealing a dimly lit idol, tears running down her face.

"jin?" you called out.

"unnie." her voice was tired, no longer the bright, bubbly girl that you once knew. "can i stay with you and lily-unnie for tonight?"

"okay."

you held her, hushing her as she sobbed into your neck.

it has to get better. it has to.

it got worse.

you had hope when your newest single, 'dice' came out. it was different, much better than your debut track. you had hope.

you worked harder, your joints hurting with every breath you took. you ate less, only things deemed 'healthy', watching your figure. and you sang. you sang until your voice was hoarse, until your throat felt like sandpaper. you hoped that they could see how hard you worked, how you sacrificed your body - your life - for them.

hope was nothing in the judging eyes of the public.

it wasn't uncommon to hear crying in the many practice rooms of the JYP building. trainees around the world, ones that would kill to achieve what you've achieved, needed a place of solace.

the voice, however, was far too familiar to dismiss.

"yoona? is that you?" worry tingled in your palms as you gripped the doorknob. "can i come in?"

"i can't-" yoona stuggled, gasping for air. "-breathe."

you rushed it, closing the door behind you to find yoona sitting on the ground. her hands in her tearful face, sobbing as she wheezed for air.

you knew this. the burning sensation of your lungs, the feeling of heat spreading across your body. the fear of imploding, of everything and nothing all at once.

"too much." the girl cried out. "i can't-"

you nodded, reaching out to her as you offered your hand. "can i have your hand?"

yoona whined, barely comprehending the words as you grabbed her hand. cold. your hands were cold.

slowly, you placed her palm on the ground.

cold. everything was cold.

"you feel the floor right?" you whispered in a tone that she's never heard before. it was inviting, soothing like ice cream on a hot summer day. "it's cold. my hand. it's cold too, right?"

yoona shook her head and looked up. "unnie, i-"

you pulled your hand away, and she needed it back on hers.

"my hand." you placed it gently on her cheek, and she basked in the feeling. "is it cold?"

yes. yoona thought. it's perfect.

yoona nodded, the pieces of her brain slowly coming back. "i'm cold."

"cold is good." you whispered, wiping her tears away with one hand. "it means you're calm. it means you're okay."

i'm calm. i'm okay.

"thank you."

you grinned, pulling away once more as the girl wiped her tears. she was embarrassed, the two of you were never really close. but you were comforting. you were cold.

"do you wanna talk?" you asked her.

yoona shook her head, chuckling awkwardly. "i don't want to bother you."

"you'd never bother me." it was a truth that you never intended on breaking. "ever."

yoona nodded, your worried eyes meeting hers as the ac blasted above the two of you.

"i'm sorry."

yoona was pretty even when she cried.

"don't be."

it kept getting worse.

yunjin's parents never believed in mental health. they were the type to think that only privileged people had the right to suffer through something so... unnecessary.

but yunjin was losing hair. she was losing weight, and she wasn't sleeping unless she cried until her tears ran dry. you and lily took turns taking care of the younger girl, but she was the scapegoat. there was nothing you could do (especially since you were facing the exact same thing as she was).

yunjin's parents agreed for her to go on medication, sending her to the best therapists they could find.

it wasn't enough.

"i can't keep doing this." yunjin whispered to you one night while the rest of the girls were out on a grocery run.

you turned your head to her, furrowing your eyebrows. your eyes tore away from the tv. "what do you mean?"

you were hearing things. you had to be.

"unnie."

yunjin was tired, just like you.

her joints ached, her knee was giving out whenever she walked. she slept for two hours maximum and she was eating food that was barely enough for a six-year-old.

she couldn't keep doing this.

"choi yunjin!" you shouted. "what the fuck do you mean?"

"unnie. i can't."

you looked at her.

"i'm tired."

you looked away, trying not to cry. only twice have you cried in front of choi yunjin, and you refused to make it a third.

"what about me and lily-unnie?"

"i know." yunjin's head hung low. "i'm sorry."

"you worked so hard. you're just gonna throw that away?" you stood up, burning with a rage that you've kept in for so long.

you hated her at that moment. you hated how selfish she was, able to leave everything behind to prioritize herself, even you. you hated what she was able to do, how brave and how strong she was to leave.

you hated how you weren't her.

"what about yoona?" you asked, voice low.

"yoona?" yunjin looked confused, and you never wanted to yell at someone so much for being dense. "what about yoona?"

"don't you care about her?!" you screamed, yunjin flinching. "she-"

she likes you. she likes your smile, she like your eyes. she likes you, and not me.

choi yunjin was brave, passionate, and bright. you were nothing like her.

"how could you do that to her?" you whispered.

how could you do this to me? how could you leave us? how could you?

"i need to do this for myself, unnie." yunjin continued, tears running down her eyes as she began to beg. "you have to understand. please, i can't leave when you're angry at me."

you looked at her. she was tired. she was so so tired.

"yunjin."

"please, unnie." the younger girl sobbed, and it felt as if you were back at her first evaluation. "i can't even sleep anymore... please."

("i don't want to do this anymore, unnie! i'm tired!")

"you understand, right?" yunjin begged. you couldn't be angry at her. she'd never forgive herself. "please understand."

slowly, you sat down beside her. her tears fell down onto the couch below.

"is this what you want?"

yunjin went quiet.

"i can't keep living like this."

"okay." you nodded, wiping a stray tear on her chin. it hurt. letting go of yunjin felt like you were losing a part of you. "are you going to re-debut?"

"maybe." yunjin sniffled, pouting. you forced back a smile. you were glad she hadn't changed, it would've broken your heart even more. "i didn't want it to be like this. i wanted-"

"i know." you nodded once more, biting back any feelings that might show themselves. "will it make you happy?"

yunjin nodded. "yes."

"okay." you bit the inside of your cheek. "okay."

you sighed, opening your arms as she sobbed into your shoulder. you understood, and that was enough for yunjin.

"i'm not mad at you." you said, yunjin sobbing harder.

you did what i couldn't.

the news aired when the girls were asleep.

you and lily had snuck out the night of the mama awards to say one last goodbye to yunjin. lily smiled through her tears, and you didn't shed a single one.

lily was worried.

the two of you got home at four in the morning. the world was quiet. it hurt your ears, and you made your way to bed without talking to lily beside you. it took you awhile to sleep, your body expecting the younger girl to burst through the door, tears in her eyes.

you knew yunjin wasn't coming home, it just took four hours for your body to catch up.

you woke up an hour later to lily's voice outside the door and yoona barging into your room.

"where's yunjin?" yoona asked through tears.

you sat up, not a single expression on your face. she's home, safe, happy. "she left."

"no, she didn't." yoona sobbed. "where's yunjin, unnie?"

you closed your eyes, hating that you had to repeat it once more. "she left, yoona."

she stared at you, biting her lip as she tried not to cry. lily frowned as your eyes softened at the sight of the younger girl.

"only me and lily-unnie knew." you swallowed, watching her storm out of your room. "i'm sorry."

even when she was angry, seol yoona looked as pretty as the day you saw her.

lily was worried about you.

like the other girls, you were mourning the loss of yunjin. she can see the way your eyes dulled whenever you heard her voice, or the angry expression whenever the head of div3 suggested rerecording her lines. she could tell by the way you weren't eating, and the way that the collection of your unfinished water bottles was starting to amass under your bed.

she could also see that you longed for someone, someone that wasn't yunjin.

(and it would be a disaster. she knew it.)

she was right, and it started a week after the new year, the heater blowing in the kitchen as the stove sent heat waves across the room.

"unnie." yoona whispered, feeling guilty.

"hey." you smiled. she was finally talking to you. "you okay?"

"i'm sorry."

"it's okay." you shrugged, stirring the kimchi soup in front of you. "i get it. i was upset when i found out too."

yoona hummed, watching your eyes closely. against the cool-toned light, it was a light brown, almost hazel. it was pretty.

"is she happy?" yoona asked. "yunjin, i mean."

"yeah." you nodded, ignoring the pain in your chest. it never got easier talking about her. you moved the pot to a different burner, and turned off the stove. "she's doing well. a new company got her."

"that's good." she said, watching as you washed your hands with cold water and soap.

yoona turned off the heater, the room too hot for her to think.

quietly, she crept up behind you, resting her head on your shoulder.

"yoona?" you muttered, eyes wide.

"unnie," she whispered. "you don't like me, right?"

you looked at the doe eyed girl. "like romantically?"

yoona nodded, moving in closer. you could feel her warm breath against your lips.

every fiber in your body wanted to tell the younger girl. you wanted to tell her the truth, but it was something you'd been avoiding yourself.

"no." you couldn't. not when she was in your reach. "no, i don't."

"okay."

she closed the gap between you two, and for the first time in weeks, she felt closer to yunjin.

you weren't stupid. you knew what yoona was doing.

for the past month, the two of you have been sneaking around, stealing fleeting kisses in hopes to mend what was broken. at night, she would sneak into your room, and your three hours of sleep would get reduced to one at most. you'd 'wake up' with bruised lips, and a suspicious burn from yesterday's 'curling iron'.

you were a distraction, a replacement.

you weren't stupid. you were hoping it wasn't true.

"hey, unnie." yoona snuck in again, the familiar sounds of lily snoring entering her senses.

"yoona." you sat up, watching as she shut the door. "hey."

yoona made her way towards you, the air of the fan blowing wind in her face.

"i missed you." you whispered quietly, kissing her as if you were a soldier going off to war.

her cheeks turned bright red. "i missed you too."

"how was your day?" you moved up, letting the younger girl sit on your lap as you stoked her hair.

"i was with you the entire day." yoona giggled. she loved feeling your cold finger running through her scalp. she felt loved.

you pulled back. "i still wanna know how you're doing."

you looked at yoona's eyes.

oh.

"i'm fine."

"yoona..." you swallowed. you knew what was going to happen. your worst fears were going to come true. "you can talk to me."

"can i sleep here tonight?" yoona's voice was little, like the day you first met her.

you nodded, pulling her into your arms. "what's wrong?"

yoona's body began to wrack, and your shoulder slowly became wet.

"i miss yunjin."

you'd never be yunjin.

"i do too." you nodded.

"unnie," yoona sobbed harder, "it hurts."

she was right. it hurt everywhere. in your joints, in your muscles, in your brain, in your heart.

"i know, baby." you blinked the tears away. "it'll get better."

"i miss her so much." you felt yoona adjust her head, crying into your neck, "unnie, i love her."

you swallowed. now wasn't the time to cry,

"i know." you rubbed her back. "just cry it out, baby."

she fell asleep ten minutes later, and lily woke up to you sobbing next to yoona.

you wondered if butterflies, though beautiful, could be poisonous.

you have heard stories of animals trying to eat them, and though you lacked knowledge about the topic, you couldn't help but wonder. it would make sense if they did. something so beautiful must have some downsides.

perhaps the butterfly had made other animals sick to the stomach instead. animals could no longer eat or sleep due to the butterfly and perhaps, that is what leads to their death.

you wondered when you were going to die from this.

"you can't keep doing this to yourself."

doing what exactly? the girls knew. everyone knew except for yoona. shin yuna, an old friend of yours, had even offered to grab lunch with you just so you could eat something.

but yoona was crying in the practice room again, and you couldn't leave her there.

"i don't know what you're talking about, haewon."

"you do." haewon sighed, the lines between her eyebrows evident. she was glad most of the girls had gone out. kyujin looked between the both of you, slightly flustered. "lily-unnie is getting worried. she said you aren't talking to her anymore."

"i'm fine." you muttered, trying to see the tv. "leave me alone."

"you aren't fine." haewon grabbed the remote, hastily turning it off. "stop pretending you are."

you stood up, looking your leader in the eye with an icy glare. "i'm fine."

haewon scoffed. you didn't terrify her. you were just hurt, and she was tired of everyone trying to gently usher you to open up.

"why are you letting yoona hurt you like that, huh?" haewon squinted, the pain in your eyes shining through.

"shut up."

"are you upset yunjin is gone?" haewon continued, a finger on your chest as she pushed you back on the couch. "or are you avoiding it?"

kyujin stood up, palms clammy at the sight of the two of you fighting. "haewon-unnie, stop."

"no." haewon said sternly. "y/n. you need to tell me or i swear to god-"

"unnie-"

"she's being selfish, kyujin! it's affecting the group." she turned to you. "our group."

"you've got it fucking wrong."

kyujin chuckled slightly, trying to pull the leader away before the two of you started brawling in the living room.

"then tell me!" haewon yelled, her glare matching yours. "tell me why you're messing up choreo. tell me why your voice is cracking during recordings. are you upset? are you hurt?"

"unnie, please."

haewon shook kyujin's arm off. "what the fuck is it?!"

"i'm in love with yoona." you scoffed, tears in your eyes. "okay? are you fucking happy?"

you watched as haewon looked away, while kyujin refused to tear her eyes away from you.

"i'm in love with yoona, and she's in love with yunjin, and i can't even process her leaving because i have to comfort yoona who cries about her all the damn time."

"y/n-"

"and i'm tired!" you yelled, laughing as streams of tears finally poured down your face. "my body is always fucking sore! i can't breathe on stage because it reminds me of yunjin, and i can't fucking sleep because i'm too busy trying to be quiet so yoona doesn't hear my cry myself to sleep because she'll never love me!"

haewon stared at you as you continued to laugh, burying your face in your hands.

"unnie." kyujin whispered softly, sitting next to you.

"i'm sorry." you didn't know who you were apologizing to. maybe it was the girls, maybe it was yunjin, maybe yoona. "i'm... so sorry."

"unnie..."

"i'm trying." you looked up at haewon, eyes teary. "i'm just... so tired."

she understood, and all you needed was someone to understand.

"sleep in my room tonight." haewon looked away, wiping the stray tears in her eyes. "that's a leader's demand."

"i don't want to." you shook your head. yoona would need you tonight, to hold her together.

haewon glared at you.

"fine."

the leader smiled.

"can i come?" kyujin asked, pouting her lips slightly.

later that night, you slept in between the two. haewon nearly smothered you in your sleep while kyujin snored so loud that you nearly burst an eardrum.

you haven't slept that well since you were a trainee.

you've been sleeping beside haewon and kyujin for two weeks straight, and today was the first time you entered your shared room with lily.

"are you okay?"

you looked at her.

"i know about yoona" she sat next to you as you packed your stuff on the floor. "i'm your roommate. you think i don't hear you crying after she falls asleep?"

you swallowed your tears and embarrassment back. "sorry."

the room went silent, and lily could help but feel disappointed in herself. you were like a little sister to her, and she should've gone to you the moment she knew something was wrong. she had been too focused on yunjin to find time for you.

"it probably hurts, huh?" you felt lily rub your back, and you tried to blink your tears away.

you nodded, sniffling as you continued to pack.

lily was the older sister you had always wished for. she was the type to try to cook for you, but end up with a batch of burnt pancakes on the firey stove. her voice was a familiar soothing that could break down your walls.

but being the only child, you had the facade of independence. you could take care of yourself, but only physically. yunjin needed the two of you more than you needed lily.

still, you were like lily's younger sister.

she sighed, watching tears fall down your face. it was the first time in five years that she's seen you cry.

"have haewon and kyujin been helping?"

you nodded again. "yes."

tears started flowing faster, and all you wanted was to cry. you hung your head low, not wanting someone you cared about to see you in a state like this.

"i'm sorry you thought you couldn't go to me." lily moved her head lower, trying to look you in the eye. "but as long as you had someone, i'm okay."

you looked at her. "you're not mad?"

"why would i be mad?" her heart broke at the sight of you.

you thought of many things that she could be mad at you for; for falling in love with a girl, for falling in love with a member, etc. but the worst one was definitely your feelings about yunjin.

in a small voice you whispered, "i'm upset because of yunjin."

"no. of course i'm not mad." lily smiled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. your words tore threw her. "did you think i'd be mad? is that why you didn't go to me?"

you nodded, eyes meeting lily's.

the older girl smiled through her tears. "i'm sorry."

"it's okay."

"it's not." lily frowned. "i'm your unnie."

"unnie," you laughed, nearly choking on your spit. "you're barely a year older."

"still." lily hugged you, and the barrier broke. with haewon and kyujin, you were holding back, but this time it was different. "why can't you just leave it all for me, huh?"

"it's okay." lily rubbed your back, tears falling as you struggled to breath. "don't cry."

cold. you needed the cold.

"lily-unnie." you whined.

"i know."

she turned on the fan beside her.

haewon kept telling you that it was a good thing that you were gaining weight.

your cheeks were fuller than they had ever been (jinsol and jiwoo were ecstatic), and though your figure wasn't as lean as it used to be, you were no longer severely underweight.

"you've been hanging out with haewon a lot." yoona muttered as the two of you got changed to go home.

haewon had basically kicked jinsol out and made her switch with kyujin so it would be more convenient for the three of you to have 'growing time' or whatever she called it during that one live.

you've been over in their dorm for almost a month straight, and you hadn't 'seen' yoona since then.

you nodded. "i have."

"i never see you anymore." yoona pouted, and you never wanted to kiss her more. "i miss you."

you couldn't. yoona was beautiful, but she was deadly.

"i miss you too." you said dully.

yoona blinked, watching as you turned away from her. it was as if she had gotten impaled by a sharp rod straight through her chest.

"unnie." worry burnt up inside her. "did i do something?"

"no, of course not." you told her in a monotone voice as you took off your shirt. it was like lava being poured into her ears. "you did nothing wrong, yoona."

you felt distant, like she was on the sun and you were back on earth. hot tears poured from her eyes as her body nearly imploded.

she hated the heat.

you turned around to find yoona staring at you, tears pouring onto her newly changed shirt.

"why are you crying?" you rushed to her, wiping her eyes, still without a top.

she closed her eyes, feeling your cold hands against her face.

"you never call me yoona." she blubbered. she was losing you, and if losing yunjin broke her, losing you would make it irreparable.

you frowned, kissing her soundly as if it was the only thing to stop her tears from falling.

yoona gripped your back, searching for anything that was cold. the skin on your back, soft like the clouds blowing across the field, and the dip of your neck, smooth like the wind across the sea. she needed the cold.

she needed you.

"do you like haewon-unnie?" yoona pulled away, tracing your cheek with her thumb.

beautiful, she thought.

"as a friend?" you looked at her, confused. "yes."

she kissed you again, your lips cold against hers.

"unnie," yoona asked. "you're not gonna leave me, right?"

you shook your head.

"no."

it got better before it got worse.

the release of your b-track had mixed reviews, albeit better than o.o, but many fans had accused you of trying to replace yunjin. death threats piled up in your inbox, and the ceo of jyp had to put out a public statement in order to lessen the hate.

it didn't matter. they still hated you, and you couldn't help but agree.

the yoona situation had gotten out of control once more. it was like a cycle. no matter how hard you tried to leave her, she was always going to be a part of you. yoona was addictive.

you ended up throwing yourself into work once more, losing the weight that you once gained in a blink of an eye. your members and your staff, even yoona, had noticed and tried to pull you away from it.

her worries no longer centered on a certain ex-member, but on you instead. instead of crying in your arms, she'd try ushering you into her bed, wrapping her arms around you as she coaxed you to sleep. she'd bake cookies, no longer as a distraction but as a way to get you to eat.

yoona was living for you.

but nothing could save you from the pain that you had begun to use as a distraction. the sleepless nights were spent dancing in front of a studio mirror, practicing until your muscles ached, until you were about to pass out.

(one time, TWICE had walked in on you practicing at 7am, right when they were about to start. jihyo ended up talking to haewon later that week.)

you kept running away from the criticism, from the hate, from yoona... from yunijn.

you wished you were brave like yunjin.

"y/nnie." haewon called out, laying flat on the living room floor.

"haewon."

she looked at you, a smile on her face. "if you need to, you should."

you looked away.

"we'll be waiting." haewon said, turning her head to the ceiling. she heard you sniffle. "we'll be fine. me and lily-unnie will be here."

you took a deep breath in.

"and me too!"

"jang kyujin!" haewon yelled, making the younger girl squeak. "stop eavesdropping!"

a faint sorry could be heard from the room, and you couldn't help but chuckle through your tears.

"can i really?" hope. you felt hope. "you won't get mad?"

"no." haewon sighed. she sat up to face you, your eyes and angry red. "are you gonna tell-"

"can you?"

"okay." haewon nodded. "i'll go get the girls and our manager."

yunjin was brave. so were you.

"yoona."

"unnie." yoona smiled at the girl who greeted her at the door. the cool air of spring blew behind her. "where's y/n-unnie? she's been stressed out this week so i'm gonna ask if she wants to go to the butterfly festival with me."

"yoona." haewon closed her eyes, closing the door behind her to conserve the hot air in the dorm. "she's not gonna be with us for awhile."

yoona's face dropped before she smiled once more. you wouldn't leave her, you promised.

"like a variety show?"

"yoona."

"what?"

"yoona."

yoona hates the heat. she'd much rather bask in the cold.

Hello, this is JYPE.

We would like to inform you about NMIXX member Y/n's current health situation and her further participation in NMIXX.

Currently, Y/n is struggling with depression and psychological burnout regarding her career. After extensive discussion with Y/n and members of NMIXX, we have decided that Y/n's current condition requires additional treatment, professional measures, and sufficient rest.

We value our artists’ mental and physical health more than anything, so we inform you that Y/n will be unable to attend NMIXX's activities until further notice. We will keep you updated on any changes in the future.

We ask for your love and support for Y/n's full recovery.

Thank you.

> main masterlist.

[fivelila]

💕Positivity prime time! Share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. Pass this along to someone whose posts make you smile💕

This is actually pretty cute, but since this isn't my personal blog, I don't want to talk about myself, so how about: five things I love about Five and Lila and why I'm so excited about them? 🤭

1) It was really unexpected - yes, I think a lot of us were surprised where the subway plot was going. Anyway, what was also unexpected for me was how much I grew to like Five and Lila as separate characters. Because my very first impression of both was not the best (back in time, let's say in 2020) and now I love them sooo much. Maybe it's a bit of a parallel to the fact that they didn't like each other in the beginning.

2) They awakened creativity - I think not only in me, but also in other fans. There have been so many great fanfics, fanarts and videos featuring them in the past two months. I love writing, but no one has inspired me as much as they have in a very long time. I've never written as often or had as many ideas as I do when it comes to their stories.

3) Great community - their fan base may not be huge like others, but I've met some great people in it! I've been part of many fandoms over the years, but this one is really very nice, helpful, supportive, and creative. I love that Five and Lila have such fans.

4) I love their story - while I would have loved to see another 10 hours of material with them, it wasn't hard to fall in love with their story even with the shorter footage. Their story has all my favorite tropes, all the fictional craziness I love, but there's also a piece of a totally human story that can happen to anyone (marriage problems, new love, healing trauma with the right person, etc.) which I find fascinating.

5) I love their contrast - I love the contrast of their characters throughout the story. Even if it was completely incomprehensible to some, I love how their characters are shown as completely insane and later completely vulnerable and in love. I get bored with characters who are either just black or just white. I love it when characters can play all the keys on the piano (yes, the reference is to Loki when Tom Hiddleston was talking about him).