#first thing monday morning i am going to call the doctor and ask if i can speak with someone about my mental health

[fingertipsmp3]

My five step plan to get my shit together:

1. Get a therapist

2. Make a deal with God

3. Continue to apply to random retail and hospitality jobs until I either get one, die, or am banned from Indeed

4. ???

5. Profit

[canirove]

Rice, Rice, baby | Chapter 20

Previous chapter | Next chapter (coming out on Monday)

Masterlist

“Olivia, where do you think you are going?” my mum asks me as I walk down the stairs.

“To work?” 

“Don't you have a doctor's appointment to attend to today?”

“Yes, this afternoon.”

“What? I thought you said it was in the morning! I changed my shift to go with you!”

“I'm sorry, mum. But they called yesterday at the last minute saying that they had to reschedule it.”

“And why didn't you tell me?”

“I forgot” I shrug.

But I actually hadn't forgotten. I had been the one calling my doctor asking her if we could reschedule my appointment to the afternoon so Declan could come with me since he didn't have training. This was my first scan since I had told him everything, and he wanted to be there with me.

“Oh, Liv… I wanted to be there with you! Today they will definitely tell you if it's a boy or a girl!”

“I'm sorry, mum. You know I have too many things in my head right now and…”

“I know” she says, taking my hand on hers and giving it a little squeeze. “But I still wanted to be there for you. Your dad is already missing it since he is at that talk in Manchester.”

“I know. He was so excited…”

“He was” she says. “But who will be going with you then?”

“Kennedy.”

“What? Why her?”

“She was free and offered to come with me.”

“And Alex? He hasn't been to any scan yet, and he is the father of your child in case you have forgotten.”

“I have not, no” I sigh.

“Liv… I don't know what happened between you two and I respect your choice to not tell us… But in a few months there will be a baby, and they deserve to have a mother and a father that will take care of them.”

“They will have that, don't worry” I say. Because if Declan keeps his promise, our baby will have us both in their life. Maybe not together like a couple, but we will be there for them. “And I better go, I don't want to be late.”

“Ok. But be careful with the car and keep me updated about the doctor's appointment.”

“I will, mum. I promise. I love you” I say, kissing her cheek.

“I love you too, Olivia” she smiles. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Hi, sorry I'm late” I say, getting into Declan's car. “There was a problem with that bloody coffee machine again, the technician wasn't picking up the phone, and then the power went out for an hour. It was a bit chaotic and… Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?”

“Uh?”

“My face. Is there something on it? I had pasta for lunch, so maybe I didn't clean all the tomato sauce.”

“There is no tomato sauce” Declan says.

“Then why are you looking at me like that?”

“How?”

“Like… that” I say, moving my hand in the air. 

“You look beautiful today.”

“What?” I say with a nervous laugh, my cheeks already starting to burn.

“I mean, you always look beautiful. But today, a lot more.” 

“Well… ummm… thanks.”

“You're welcome” Declan smiles. “Now, should we get going? I don't want us to be late to meet the little one.”

“Yes, of course” I reply, putting on my seatbelt. Or trying to.

“Here, let me help you.” 

The moment our hands touch and he looks up, it's like we've traveled back in time to the day we met. I can feel the same electricity I felt when our fingers first touched running through my whole body, my mind starting to get lost once again in that shade of blue I had never seen before. 

“I hope they get your eyes. And your eyelashes.”

“What?” Declan says, his hands still on mine.

“The baby. I hope they get your eyes. They are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.” Woah, Olivia. Intense much? 

“Thank you” he replies with a shy smile. Wait a minute… Declan Rice getting shy after I have complimented him? Since when? I am the one who starts giggling and feeling her face on fire, not him. “And this is done.”

“What is?”

“The seatbelt, Liv.”

“Oh, yes, yes. Pregnant brain, you know” I say with a stupid laugh. Yeah, making a fool of myself in front of him hasn't changed.

“Is that a thing?”

“Yep.”

“Interesting” he smirks. Now that is the Declan I am used to. “Do you need anything else?”

“No, I'm fine.”

“Ok. Then let's go see our baby” he says, letting go of my hand and making me miss his touch. But it doesn't last long, because he moves it to caress my bump, something he would do again a few more times while we are stopped at a red light, the warmest and fuzziest feeling ever filling my chest. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Ok, let's check how the little one is today, shall we?” my doctor smiles while I give Declan's hand a little squeeze. I've had to grab it to make him stop fidgeting, he is so nervous…

“Woah, what is that noise?” he asks. 

“That's their heartbeat” I tell him.

“Really? Is that normal?”

“It is, don't worry. It means they are very healthy” the doctor explains. 

“And I thought mine was beating fast…” 

“Welcome to the club” I chuckle. “Are they in the right position today?” In my previous scan it had been impossible to tell if they were a boy or a girl. 

“They are yes. Do you want me to tell you now or are you planning a gender reveal?”

“Oh no, I hate those. Declan?” 

“Uh?” he says, his eyes still fixed on the screen. He is… Oh my God, he is crying.

“Dec, hey. Are you ok?” I ask him, squeezing his hand again.

“Yeah, yeah, I just… That's my child” he says, quickly wiping away his tears. 

“It is, yes” I smile, trying not to cry too.

“Anyway, the gender” he says, composing himself. “Is it possible to know later on our own?”

“Of course” my doctor says. “We'll give you an envelope with the results so you can open it when you are ready.”

“And photos too?”

“Photos too” she smiles.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“So, how do we do it?” Declan asks me once we are back in his car.

“How do we do what?”

“The envelope, Liv” he says. “Do you want to do it here or should we go somewhere special?”

“Actually, now that you mention it… Can we go to that restaurant where you took me when we left the lionesses game? I've been dreaming about the cake we ate for the past weeks.”

“First craving?” he asks, starting the car.

“Oh, no. My first craving was Cadbury chocolate.”

“You are always eating chocolate, Liv” he chuckles. “That isn't new.”

“But now it's gotten worse.”

“How can it be worse than liking literally anything made with chocolate?”

“I have to keep a bar on my bedside table because I wake up hungry in the middle of the night and it is the only thing I want to eat. And it has to be Cadbury chocolate, just that one. One morning I woke up hugging it.”

“What?” Declan laughs.

“Yeah” I shrug. “I think it is because the baby has your sweet tooth.”

“My sweet tooth, Liv? Mine?” he laughs again. 

“Yep, yours” I smile. “So if my teeth fall off after eating so much sugar… You are paying for the new ones, you are the millionaire here.”

“Ok” he laughs once again, the rest of our journey to the restaurant filled with more of his loud laugh while I just smile like an idiot. Had I missed that? God knows I had.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

“Is it as good as you remembered?”

“Better” I say, cake spilling from my mouth. So elegant, Olivia.

“Here, let me help you” Declan chuckles, cleaning my chin with his napkin, his other hand holding my face. I wonder if he can feel my cheeks getting warmer and warmer by the second. “Done.”

“Thank you” I whisper.

“So… Should we open the envelope before they kick us out due to you eating all their cake?” he says with a teasing smile.

“Ha ha ha” I reply, rolling my eyes. “But yeah, let's do it. It's in my bag.”

“Ok” he says, taking it and moving his chair next to mine. “Are you ready?”

“Are you?”

“I asked first, Liv.”

“I know. But your hand is the one that's shaking, not mine” I say, holding it like I did during our doctor's appointment.

“Sorry” he smiles. “Anyway, ready?”

“Ready” I smile back.

“And baby Rice is…”

“I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” I laugh, hitting his arm.

“Ouch, Liv!”

“I knew it was going to be a boy! You only have brothers and they only have boys! It's like you only carry the male gene!”

“I actually have a niece too, remember?”

“The exception that confirms my theory.”

“You look quite happy about it” Declan chuckles. “Did you want a boy?”

“I just wanted a healthy baby. But since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I pictured a boy” I shrug.

“With my blue eyes?” he smirks.

“With your blue eyes and hopefully a smaller head.”

“What?” he laughs.

“I know most of it is hair but… Yeah. I don't want something that big coming out of my…”

“Oh my God, Olivia” Declan laughs again.

“Sorry” I shrug. “Anyway, should we ask for more cake in honour of our little boy?”

“Ok. But just one slice, and we'll share it.”

“What?” 

“You just said you don't want a big baby, and if you keep eating like this…”

“Idiot” I reply, hitting him again. “But fine, ok. Just one slice.”

“And then we are going for a walk to help with your digestion.”

“Yes, mum” I sigh.

“If I'm being annoying is because I care about you, Liv. Both of you” he says, caressing my bump.

“I know, Declan. I know” I say, smiling like an idiot once again. 

[pollymorgan]

Teacher Negan - The Football Game - Part 4

Warnings: Of course, there's still a big age difference and Negan is an absolute asshole. Smut!

The last days of my summer vacation were then massively ruined for me. A few days before school started, I had an appointment in the secretary's office to clarify organizational matters and also received my schedule, with the respective teacher and room. Still in the office, I took a quick look at the schedule and felt like my heart stopped when I saw that my Monday was supposed to end with a double period of sports. And with the teacher 'Negan Smith'. Fate really wasn't kind to me! I tried not to show anything, even though thoughts were running wild in my head.

Should I get a doctor's note, an exemption for sports for some trivial reason? Or just skip? On the first day at the new school. Or ask the school management if it would be possible to join another sports class. But with what justification? None of this is a solution. At least not in the long run. So I decided to just accept my fate. I'll just behave as normally as possible, because he will do the same. What else could we do? But this realization didn't make it any easier.

- First day of school -

So today is the day. My first day at my new high school. I would probably be terribly excited to meet all the new students if my head had room for it. To be honest, my thoughts are only about how it will be to see Negan again in the last double period of the day. As my teacher.

Luckily, my classmates are really cool. I am warmly welcomed in the class and two nice girls immediately take me under their wings. Within a short time, I seem to know everything about the boys and girls in my new class and have already shed some tears from laughing.

Being so positively received eases me and distracts me somewhat from what awaits me today. The lessons are not really strenuous yet. Mostly just organizational things for the last year of high school, so the morning flies by.

Already on the way to the gym, my stomach tightens. I expect Negan to suddenly appear in front of me at any moment and I imagine in my head over and over again how it will be. How it will feel. How he reacts and how I react.

But I finally made it to the changing room without running into him. Which only gives me a brief respite.

"Mister Smith is amazing, you will love him!!!" Mary, a girl from my class, declares next to me as we are getting changed.

This sentence pulls me out of my thoughts again.

"Oh yeah?" I say, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"Oh yes, he's a really cool teacher ..okay, you have to get used to his sense of humor at first, but he's really fair and also quite hot, ... so, if he were like 20 years younger, I mean of course ..." she grins at me and I try to force a smile back.

"I'm just really glad he's back regularly. Last year his wife had chemotherapy and he was often absent to be there for her. Kind of sweet, right?" Mary continues excitedly and incessantly. Her words almost choke me. His wife just survived cancer and he jumps into bed with me? In his damn marriage bed! What kind of huge asshole is this man turning out to be?

"Everything okay?" my classmate asks me now a little worried. My expression must have been pretty shocked.

I try to recover, "Uh, yeah sure, go ahead ... I just have to go to the bathroom real quick!". While I speak my sentence, I quickly walk towards the bathroom.

"Okay, but hurry up. Mister Smith really doesn't like being late ..." she calls after me.

As quickly as possible, I open one of the stalls. Pretty disoriented, I slump against the door and run my palms over my face. If only I had never been to that stupid football game! I try to pull myself together and take a few deep breaths, then I leave the stall again and stand at the sink. Somewhat puzzled, I look at myself in the mirror. My skin is noticeably tanned and quite a lot of freckles have formed on my nose. Except for some mascara, I wear no makeup and have my hair tied back in a simple ponytail. Almost automatically, I pull my short sports shorts a bit further down and make my way to the gym.

Right on time with the bell, I enter and see my classmates sitting on a long wooden bench. Negan is crouched in front of them, apparently checking off the attendance list. I quickly walk over to them. I've played out the moment of reunion in my head so many times that I hoped it wouldn't feel so bad anymore, but the opposite was true. Even though I can only see his back so far, everything inside me tightens, especially my stomach tenses and makes me feel nauseous.

Slow ly, Negan turns to me and looks at me over his glasses with the dark black frame. He wears his hair much shorter on the sides, while his top hair is gelled back. He looks even better than I remember. Unfortunately!

Slowly, he moistens his lips with his tongue, without taking his eyes off me. "And you must be the new student! Samantha, right? Really great job to be late in your first hour!"

Is he really serious right now? I quickly squeeze onto the last bit of free bench.

"It only just rang when I was already in the gym .. I'm not late at all.." I reply somewhat defiantly.

Negan adjusts his glasses back on his nose with his index finger and then stands up with a swing. I automatically observe him from top to bottom, now that he is standing just a few meters away, in his dark blue tracksuit.

"And then so cheeky too, that's a great start!" he says, grinning provocatively, which only increases my insecurity.

"Let's see if there's more behind the big mouth. Samantha, I would like you to design the warm-up exercise for the entire class today.."

What? I look at him incredulously. Is he really trying to embarrass me? Or what is his damn plan? Not even my worst premonition for this hour was as uncomfortable as this start.

Negan claps his hands loudly and says, "Now go, 5 minutes should be enough!".

I feel the eyes of the others glued to me, so I decide to just go through with it, without thinking about it further. After all, sports has been my favorite subject since first grade, so it shouldn't be a problem to spontaneously create a short warm-up exercise. Determinedly, I stand up and stand in front of my new class. Slowly, the others also stand up and line up in a row in front of me.

"Let's start with some stretching exercises. I'll demonstrate and you follow along.."

One by one, I stretch every part of my body and am grateful that my classmates follow without any objections. My gaze wanders after a short time to Negan. He stands by the wall with his arms crossed, leaning against it, watching me. Even when I look directly at him, his eyes remain fixed on me. And I feel my knees go weak and my heart starts pounding wildly again. I quickly look away to avoid losing control completely.

After a few more exercises, I am relieved when Negan declares the warm-up over. I have already started to sweat quite a bit, which definitely is not just from the physical activity.

He then divides the whole class into different groups. There are several stations set up that we are supposed to work on within a certain time. From jump roping, to the horizontal bar, to vaulting.

Negan is constantly busy at the station where I am. At first, I tell myself it's just a coincidence and I'm imagining things. But as I continue to pay attention, it's quite clear. He only moves briefly to another group when there's a question among the students, but after a short moment, he's back near me. That's why I'm constantly tense. What's the deal? What does he want to achieve? Is he deliberately trying to provoke me? If so, he's doing a very good job.

Finally, when the school bell rings and signals the end of the double period, a feeling of relief spreads through me. The first gym class is over, leaving only countless more until the end of the school year. And if it always goes like today, I don't know how I'll cope.

Everyone rushes towards the changing room and I let myself be carried along by the small whirlwind.

"Samantha, would you be so kind and help me tidy up the stations?" With these words, I stand rooted to the spot. I stare at Negan in disbelief, but he just grins, "Please?".

The remaining students pass by me quickly. After all, it was the last lesson and everyone wanted to start their evening first.

Provocatively annoyed, I go to the other side of the gym and try to lift one of the heavy mats onto the cart.

"Don't you think we would be more productive if we did this together?" Negan amused himself and came purposefully towards me. He also grabbed the mat and let it fall loudly onto the cart.

The murmuring of my classmates was still clearly audible from the changing rooms.

Negan looks at me extensively, I can feel it, even though I try my best to avoid his gaze.

"I wanted to apologize for the call the other day, that wasn't right of me..." he suddenly says.

I almost blurt out "Apologize to your wife instead," but I swallow those words and my anger down. I don't want to say anything out of spite that I might regret shortly after. Whether he is doing it consciously or unconsciously, I cannot assess.

"Okay!" I reply curtly, hoping he won't say anything more and I can just get through this as quickly as possible.

Of course, he doesn't stay silent.

"What I said is still true.." he adds without hesitation. These words make it feel like my heart stops. Shocked, I look directly into his dark eyes, where a hint of green is hidden. I swallow hard and then shake my head in disbelief. Without saying a word, I turn and go to the jump ropes scattered on the floor to collect them.

"Where do these go?" I ask briskly, and Negan points to a small room separated from the gym by a climbing wall.

Determined, I go there and hear him following me with the mat cart. He whistles a tune loudly, overpowering even the clattering of the cart.

Feeling trapped in the small room full of sports equipment, I try to slink past him and back into the gym. But he stands directly and provocatively in my way. Our bodies are now only a few centimeters apart, and I have to look up quite high to be able to look him directly in the eyes. It is only now that I realize the enormous height difference between us. I can't decipher his gaze, but he still takes my breath away. His strong cologne brings back intimate memories of our night together. He leans his upper body back slightly to observe my whole body.

"What are you thinking about right now?" he asks in a deep, calm voice, making my lower abdomen contract.

"Nothing.." I lie hesitantly.

"Bullshit!" With that word, he grabs my upper arm and swiftly turns me around so that I am facing away from him. Then he firmly clasps my chest with his long arms and presses me against his body. Completely off balance, I let myself fall against him. I feel the scratch of his trimmed beard and his warm breath on the thin skin of my neck. Almost instinctively, I tilt my head so that he can get closer.

"How many guys got to fuck your perfect pussy after me, huh?" he whispers softly, lightly touching my ear with his lips, giving me goosebumps.

"No one!" I say firmly, which is also the truth.

"Good.." he states, satisfied, and I feel him smile, "Do you long for the feeling of my cock, sweetie? To feel how deep I was inside you...".

I nod vigorously, as I am short of breath to respond.

I automatically press my body even closer to his. The feeling of his penis, which presses harder against me, makes my lower abdomen contract uncontrollably.

His grip loosens, and he starts running his fingertips over my bare thighs. His gentle touches electrify me.

"You drive me crazy, babe.. I think you're driving me out of my mind. Can you feel how rock hard my cock is because of you? Only you can do that,..only you..." he whispers and buries his face in my shoulder.

I moan softly as I enjoy every skilled movement of his fingers inside my pants. Slowly, the intense sensation drowns out all my thoughts and worries. The only thing I can think about is how good he feels and how much I missed his touches. Surprised, I startle when he suddenly pulls his hand out of my pants. Glancing over my shoulder, I look at him, puzzled, and see him licking his index and middle fingers, wet with my arousal.

Then he grins at me, "You taste so damn good, even better than in my memory.. Come, sit on the mats...".

Determinedly, I turn to face him, maintaining eye contact, and then provocatively wag my index finger in front of his face.

"Oh no, Mr. Smith.. it's my turn today.." First, I give him a gentle kiss and then slowly kneel in front of him.

Smiling, he looks down at me and then states contentedly, "Okay, I'm definitely going to hell, but right now I'm in damn heaven!"

With both hands, I pull down his training pants, along with his underwear. Immediately, my gaze shifts from his eyes to his hard penis, which springs towards me. At the sight, my whole body tingles, and the intense feeling concentrates in my lower abdomen. The nails of my left hand cling to his hip, while my right hand grasps his shaft. I immediately feel it twitch slightly in my hand. Gently, I start to kiss his tip and elicit a light moan from Negan, which incredibly motivates me. He brushes some strands of hair away from my face that have come loose from my ponytail. As I slowly run my tongue over the entire underside of his penis, savoring every vein, until I finally reach his tip again and taste the salty flavor of his pre-cum.

"Baby, it's so hot watching you enjoy this... do you enjoy it, or?" he says, breathing heavily.

I make a confirming sound before letting him enter my mouth for the first time. His penis plunges deep into my throat, making me gasp for breath and causing Negan to groan. "Yes, just like that..."

I repeat this several times. I seal his penis tightly with my lips and feel it twitch with excitement. Briefly letting him slide out of my mouth, I am only connected to his tip by a thread of saliva. I move his shaft up and down with considerable pressure with my hand while looking up at him.

"I want you to come in my mouth.. I want to have your taste on my tongue for the rest of the day.." I beg him.

"Okay, but only if you reach into your panties now and finger yourself to climax while giving me a blowjob!" he states firmly.

Without hesitation, my left hand moves under my clothes, while I let his penis slide back into my mouth.

I am so wet that my fingers slide into me without difficulty.

Negan places his hand on the back of my head, dictating the pace. When I hear him moan my name, I feel like I am about to explode with excitement. And when I feel his sperm pumping through his penis and shooting forcefully into my mouth, my body also experiences a powerful orgasm.

[pariskylar]

Part 3: Rude

Monday: August 30, 2021

Beatrice, bitch please. you know who I be nothin' else, none other the number one stunner.

she pulled up to The Thrombey Mansion for her second week of work.

working for Harlan has been very uneventful, borderline boring. all she did for the past two weeks was take calls, email business people back and proof reading. proofing was the only part of the job she actually enjoyed.

she entered the house and went straight to Mr. Thrombey’s Office.

“good morning.” she signed her time sheet.

“good morning.” Marta greeted.

and as usual Harlan said nothing.

ignoring that she pulled out her iPad, where she had transferred the planner and began briefing him about his schedule today.

“today you have a doctors appointment at 8:30 AM, a meeting with Mr. Walt Thrombey at the publishing company at 11:30 AM and and dogs have a vet appointment at 1:00 PM.” she read off.

“Marta is taking me to my doctors appointment.” he said while stacking three different piles of papers “these need to be proofed.” he handed them over to her.

she nodded waiting to see of he had anything else to say, but of course he didn’t. she took her assignment out to the front porch. she sat tailored style on the bench pulling out her sticky tabs, red pen, post-its and the matching highlighters .

and began her reading. this is the shit she loved. well introduced characters, well thought out details. this is why she wanted to be an editor.

forty five minutes later she proofed seventy percent of the first chapter and Harlan and Marta came out the house.

“we’re off to the doctor.” Marta said helping Harlan down the steps.

“ok, well be safe.” she said automatically.

pulling out her phone she saw the time read 7:56 AM. she’d been out there for nearly an hour and her bones and joints felt it. she stood from her seat stretching and loosen up her joint.

standing up straight she grabbed all of her supplies and moved to the steps.

after two hours she was finishing up the second chapter when she heard the revving of a car engine. she looked up to see an old school BMW flying up the driveway. she put a tab where she just finished reading sitting up properly, ready to greet whoever the guest was.

when the car door opened out stepped a white man with brunette hair sporting slacks, a striped shirt and sunglasses. he slowly made his way to the house.

“hi, how may i help you?” she asked as he made his way up the steps.

he totally ignored her and went inside. she grabbed her keys that had her mace on them. she sat the papers aside and grabbed the iPad, rushing in after him.

“um, excuse me? sir?” she followed him into Mr. Thombey’s empty office. “um, sir.”

“what?” he turned to her finally acknowledging her existence.

his presence was a bit intimidating, causing her to take a few steps back. he rolled his eyes making an exit from the office.

she switched the latch on the mace.

“um, do you have an meeting set with Mr. Thrombey?” she followed him.

“a meeting?” he asked seemingly confused heading for the stairs

“yeah, like an appointment.” he turned from the second step with the same confused look “you know when you set a time to talk to someone.”

“i know what a meeting is, i’m just confused on why i’d need one. i’m his grandson.”

that’s Ransom?

“oh, the one with the bi-weekly visits.” she closed the mace.

“yeah.” he said with faux enthusiasm

“well Mr. Thrombey had a doctor’s appointment today, but he’ll be back any minute now. you can wait for him in his office.”

he didn’t say anything just going back to his office, slamming the door behind him.

she huffed, snarling. there’s alot of thing she can take, and has, but one thing she can’t stand is an unnecessarily rude person.

there was no reason for him to come in that aggressive and to be that harsh.

she made her way back to the front porch to try and finish up her assignment

her alarm that was set 10:45 went off, but Harlan and Marta wasn't back yet. she didn't have Marta's number so she had no choice but to wait this out. she re-scheduled the meetings and vet appointment, while waiting. she was chewing on her pencil eraser nervous. she was 99 percent sure she was gonna lose her job.

after the most daunting 42 minutes Marta and Harlan finally pulled up.

she stood up from her seat grabbing her bag and rushed to the car. once the car came to a full stop she opened the door and help Harlan out.

“Mr. Thrombey, we’re late for your meeting with Mr. Walt.” she closed the door and walked to her car as fast as she could without dragging him. “i called and rescheduled the meeting for 12:00 and push the vet appointment for 1:30, i just need to get the dogs in the car and we can go.” she tossed her bag in her backseat, before taking off to the backyard.

whistling at them she gained their attention.

“come.” she squatted down waved them over.

they ran up to her.

she stood up straight and began jogging to her car with them her following. when they got there Mr. Thrombey wasn’t in the car.

“what the hell?” she said under her breath.

“i took him to the meeting with Walt.” Marta said from the side of her.

“oh, well thanks.” Jaz nodded "um, can i get you number." her social anxiety began to kick in.

"just so when you take Harlan places i'll know, y'know" she over explained.

"no, yeah, i get it." Marta pulled out her phone handing it over.

"personal or work?" she asked pulling each from her pockets.

"both?"

Jaz nodded handing them both over.

Jazlyn (Personal): (504)-xxx-xxxx she entered her personal number first then her work number Jazlyn (Work): (857)-xxx-xxxx.

they exchanged phones back.

she looked at the new contact in her phone, Marta :) (857)-xxx-xxxx.

"um, thanks."

"no problem." Marta nodded.

they walked back towards the porch. she took a seat on the bench and Marta went back into the house.

she set a new alarm for 12:30.

the dogs ran up to her, tails wagging.

“hi, babies.” she giggled at them scratching behind each of their ears.

one tried giving her a kiss but she dodged it.

“no kisses, just rubs and hugs.”

she spent the next 50 minutes cuddling the dogs and trying to calm herself down from mini freakout she had.

what the heck bro. that was so rude and inconsiderate. he could've told me that he was going to have Marta take him to the meeting. and why the hell did the receptionist let me change times if he was already there?

while in the midst of another freakout her alarm went off. she sighed getting up from her seat, heading back to the home.

they tried following her in the house.

"sit." she commanded "stay." they obeyed.

she knocked on the office door.

“come in.” he called from the other side of the door.

walking in she saw Harlan and Ransom sitting across from each other.

“um, i’m taking the dogs to their vet appointment.”

Ransom scoffed at her turning back to his granddad.

rude

“ok.” Harlan nodded

“is there anything you need while i’m out?”

“no.”

she nodded leaving the room. she grabbed the leashes from the hooks on the foyer.

-

after taking the dogs to the vet and a long day of doing nothing she went back to her townhouse.

"hey, baby." Tia greeted her from the couch.

"hi." she kicked off her shoes at the door.

she sighed flopping next to her, handing over a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

"lemme guess, boring day today?" she grabbed a spoon from the bowl on the coffee table.

for the past week she had been complaining non-stop about how freaking boring it was to work for Harlan.

"no, stressful." Jaz shook her head unbuckled her belt.

"how?"

"he had a doctors appointment and Marta took him. i was supposed to take him to his meeting at his publishing company, but he had Marta take him." she began to explain taking her pants off. "but he ain't tell me shit, so i'm running around thinking i'm finna get fired. i rescheduled the meeting. they come back talking bout 'i took him.' then his grandson came there almost giving me a heart attack."

"his grandson?" T asked around a bite of ice cream

"yeah, Ransom. he fine, but he rude as hell."

"how fine? you know my fine and your fine are two different fines." Tia pointed the spoon at Jaz.

"as fine as you can get for a white boy." she shrugged pulling her hair back. "i'm finna shower and take this makeup off, then we gon talk about them crazy ass people you work for." she stood up.

"good because bitch i got some shit to tell you."

[bebepac]

The Last Part

I am participating in @choicesflashfics prompt: If you think I’d ever love someone after you, then I have failed in showing how much you mean to me”  will appear in bold.

I am also participating in @choiceschallenge-may2023 for engagement.

Thanks @peonierose​ for sending me an ask that helped a part of this fic come to fruition

This is the next to the last chapter of the Rotten Apple.  I decided to make the final, the Wedding be it’s own chapter on its own.  A lot of stuff is going to happen in that chapter.  Sorry it has been so long since updates, hopefully, you will believe the wait has been worth it.  

The Book: TRH

The Series:  The Rotten Apple 🍎

The Pairings: Eleanor x Nico (Eleanor x M!OC) 

Word Count: 2500ish

Warnings and ratings: Brief mention of mental illness/ Teen

Mood Music Monday Song Inspiration: The Call : Regina Spektor

Summary:  Elle and Nico have their first huge fight as a couple. Liam comes to visit Ellie and her family in Greece. 

Original post: 05/20/23 at 7:57PM  EST.  

She stared at him in silence focusing on his eyes; they were completely unreadable.  

 She could always tell what was going on in his mind when he let her see him.  The two of them were identical in that aspect.  He could hide his true feelings from her, if he wanted to, and so could she. The look in his eyes scared her, until they brightened, and twinkled at her and a smile filled his face and more importantly his eyes. He had the most endearing smile line crinkles, which in turn made her smile.

Elle sighed in relief.  

“You’re happy.”  

“Of course I would be! Were you worried?”

“We didn’t plan this Nico…”  

“We didn’t plan Ana either, and I don’t regret how she came to be for a second.  Are you sure? How long have you known?”  

“Just since this morning.  I took a test, two to be exact, because I have been feeling off for the past few days. Both were positive. My doctor would like me to come in to confirm.  They might need to adjust some of my medications to make sure everything is safe for the baby, and for me. The earliest she could get me in is this Friday.”  

“I would like to go with you.  I want to be at every appointment with you. I don't want to miss anything. We both missed crucial points of Ana's life. Let's not make that mistake again."

The way he was looking at her now, enamored and proud, the way he gently caressed her stomach, was the way she had wished he had looked at her, when he had found out about Ana…. but those were different circumstances. Their life together was progressing in a natural way.

Wednesday

Elle rolled back over in bed, It was barely dawn. When she moved, she felt Nico's grip tighten around her. He softly kissed her earlobe and whispered softly in her ear.

"Go back to sleep, she's not up yet."

"Just because she's still sleeping doesn't mean that we have to."

"Mmmmm….wonder what's on your mind?"

Nico softly kissed her neck, nipping at her skin, grinding his hips into hers.

"Feels like the same thing that is on your mind."

Elle licked her lips pulling Nico's shirt off.

"A little delight to keep you in a good mood at work?"

"Yes, I love that idea."

“Then maybe you should lock the door?”  

Nico jumped up quickly turning the lock before returning to bed with Elle.

Ana was out of school home with Elle for the day.  

“Stay home with us Papa.”  

Elle still had that nonchalant look  that she always did, softly shrugging her shoulders, with a little smirk to her lips, 

which had Nico grinning.

“I would if I could Honeybee, but you and Mommy don’t get many days alone together, and you two should take advantage of it.”

Nico winked at  Elle as he kneeled for a moment to kiss Ana’s forehead.  Then he stood and kissed Elle’s lips, grazing her stomach with a feather light touch.

“You could stay home with us, if you want. We don’t mind.”  She emphasized the word 'could' to him to let him know he was wanted there by her.

“No it’s alright.  Have a girl’s day together, and I’ll bring you each a surprise home later.”  

Ana pushed Nico towards the door.

“Bye Papa!!!!”  

Nico lightheartedly laughed.

“Guess I’m being kicked out then.” 

 “Have a good day.” 

 Elle smoothed down the lapels of his uniform tugging him close to kiss him once more.

“I’ll be back home soon.”

“With a surprise at lunch?”  Ana chimed in.

“Mayyyybe.”    

Both Nico’s girls watched him walk down the driveway to his vehicle.  He gave one last wave as he drove out of sight.

Elle began her day of  cleaning 

entertaining Ana, trying to make it a special day just for them,  unfortunately her stomach did not want to let that happen. Morning sickness happened throwing a monkey wrench into all of her plans. She remembered having bouts of sickness with Ana, but this was every day, now, multiple times of the day.

Elle was doubled over in the bathroom hugging the toilet when she heard the door open.

She couldn't speak as another wave of nausea hit her again.  

"Mommy are you okay?"  Ana's voice was full of fear.

"I'm just feeling a little sick. I'll be alright."

Ana burst into tears.

"Are you going back to the hospital?"

"No Ana. I'm not. It's not the same kind of sickness as before."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'll be out in a minute."  

Ana slowly closed the door behind her, leaving Elle alone.  Elle decided to make some more tea to make her feel better, better yet maybe it would be a good idea for her  to just drink some every afternoon. Ana looked truly mortified at the fact that she was sick, and afraid of the thought of her going away again.  They hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy yet, and were waiting after Elle’s doctor’s appointment to share the news with everyone.  She tried to cheer Ana up

 before Nico came home from work to no avail.  

Ana was still unusually quiet at dinner, and Nico being so perceptive and intune with Ana, noticed immediately.

"What's wrong Honeybee?"  He playfully nudged her, smiling down at her.

She looked at Elle for a moment, then turned to him  shaking her head, shrugging her shoulders.  

Nico’s smile immediately faded, his facial muscles tensing slightly, an overwrought look taking over his face.

"Ana? What's wrong baby girl?" Nico was concerned.

“Nothing.”  Ana whispered, still failing to make eye contact with him while picking at the food on her plate. Something was wrong, and Ana was upset enough that it was affecting her appetite.

"Don't lie to me. You look at me when I talk to you, young lady."

Because of the sternness to Nico’s voice, Ana immediately  looked up from her plate.

"Tell me the truth Ana." he urged.

Ana's eyes filled with tears.

"Tell me Ana."

"Mommy's sick again."

Surprised flashed in his eyes as he dropped his fork, it hitting his plate with a loud clatter.

"Elle? What is she talking about?"

"I'm fine. I have been going to my therapy check ins. I haven't….seen him, Nico, I promise. I wouldn't hide that from you. You believe me right?"

Nico looked from Ana to Elle.

"What did you see Mommy do Ana?"

Elle gasped.

"Nothing! It can't be what you’re thinking! I didn't do anything Nico. I didn't."

Nico completely ignored her, focusing on Ana.

"What did you see her do, Honeybee?"

“Nico…”  Elle’s voice was low, pleading and timid. 

“I didn’t do anything…”

Ana looked at Elle. “Mommy…..”

"Nico…don’t do this."

Again, Nico ignored Elle speaking to Ana sternly.

“Don’t look at her.  You look at me and tell me the truth.” Nico raised his voice. “NOW! Eliana. I mean it.”

“It’s okay Ana.  Tell him whatever it is you saw.”

Immediately Ana’s eyes shifted to Nico’s.

"She was throwing up in the bathroom. She’s been sick a lot."

Relief washed over Nico’s face, and his smile returned.

"That's all you saw Ana?"

Ana nodded.

"Will Mommy have to go away again?"

"We should tell her then. I think it's time. We don't want her to be worried."

"You're right. She's scared."

"The reason Mommy is sick is because we have a baby on the way. Sometimes the baby makes Mommy's tummy upset."

"Did I make you sick when I was a baby?"

She looked between both of  their faces, but Nico couldn't answer because honestly, he didn't know.  Elle answered for him.

"I was sick a lot, but it was worth it because we have you now."

"And you know what this means Honeybee?"

She shook her head not understanding.

"You're going to be a big sister and you'll be able to help with the baby, like you do with Aunt Athena."

"Not with dirty diapers."

"Especially dirty diapers!"

Elle rose from her chair to walk around the table to Ana.

"I realize now how much I scared you, and how worried you were about me, and I'm sorry Ana."  

"It's ok Mommy, I just want you to stay with us, with me. Don't leave me."

Ana hugged her middle, and Elle gently stroked her hair.

"Never again."

Later that evening in their room Elle was giving Nico the cold shoulder.

"Elle, I'm sorry."

“You really thought I had hurt someone?  And that I wouldn’t care enough about our daughter to let her see me do it? Really Nico? Why am I even here if you have that little faith in me?”  

Nico looked absolutely ashamed of how he had reacted. He took her hands, pulling her closer to him.

He was met with silence; Elle was livid with him.

"What do you want me to say? What should I say right now?"

She yanked her hands free from his.

"I wanted you to say you believed me! But you didn't Nico! You looked to Ana for a confession of my wrongdoing!"

"The truth Elle....is I thought it might be the baby. You told me they might have to adjust your medication and that would have been my fault. Your medication was working just fine before the pregnancy ....…. And you’re pregnant because I got carried away in the moment and didn't use protection. That was my fault for not being careful."

He wasn't winning her over, Elle still looked angry.

"Nico, what we are building is supposed to have trust as a foundation, and what you just did to me in front of our daughter was the antithesis of that!"

Nico hung his head for a moment.

"I know…. All I can tell you is the truth, Elle. I was afraid. Every single time I get too happy, something goes wrong. And I thought…this is it. Here it is. The proof that we were fooling ourselves thinking we could do this… be together after everything that happened between us."

Elle's eyes that were filled with tears met his.

"You feel like that too?"

Nico nodded. 

"I feel like I don't deserve this. Like I don't deserve to be happy. But the only times I've been truly happy in my life is when I am with you."

She nodded.    

"I agree, even when I was trying to fight it Nico.  I know things are not perfect for us. Far from it. Maybe this is something we could think about working on together in therapy. Since it's something we both struggle with. Maybe it will help us both to work on it together."

"I've never been to therapy before."

"Never?!? After everything?"

"No, my family just looks at it a certain way. We deal with things on our own."

"Getting therapy doesn't make you weak Nico."

"I know that but…. It's just not what we do."

"Therapy really helped me, when I really made an effort and was honest with myself, along with taking the medication prescribed to me. I wouldn't be here now with you and Ana without those two things in conjunction. We should do everything in our power to make us stronger."

"I'll do this for you Elle. For us. We'll go."

"Okay."

Nico studied Elle's face.

"There's something else. Tell me Elle."

“The way Ana looked at you Nico.  She doesn’t look at me like that. She’s never looked at me like that.”

“It’s because I've had to discipline her when she has misbehaved. It usually doesn’t take much more than a stern voice to get her back in line. Ana has a very sensitive soul.

 She reminds me of your sister Liberty in that aspect.  Like Liberty, Ana was trying to protect you. She loves you so much Elle. I love you so much. I'm sorry that I had such little faith in you when you are showing me every day you have truly changed.”

That Friday appointment confirmed what they had expected it would, meaning their little family in seven more months would have a new little baby boy or baby girl as a new addition.  Nico had made a request.  The first person he wanted to tell was her father.  He wanted to invite him there for a visit.

Her father had agreed to come into town for a visit. In less than a week’s time he arrived on her doorstep smiling carrying a bag of gifts, and an even bigger surprise.

“Hi Father…. OH MY GOD!!!!!  LIBBY!?!?!?”

"Hi Ellie!"

She made the first gesture giving Libby a hug first and then her father.  

“Father, this is an amazing surprise. Thank you!”  She hugged him again.

"When Libby found out I was coming to see you here in Greece, she wanted to visit too.  You look very well Eleanor."

"Thank you Father. I feel better. Come in. Nico is not home yet, but he’s on the way. And dinner is almost ready."

"You're cooking?"

"Yes, I really enjoy it."

"It  smells wonderful."

"Thank you."

“How are things?”  Libby inquired.

"They're wonderful. I really love living in Greece, with Nico and Ana."

"You always did love Greece, even as a young child.  Are you happy Ellie?"

"Yes I am. The happiest I've ever been in my life.  It’s a dream come true.”

Ana came running up to Liam to give him a hug.    

"Pappoús!!!!"

Liam kneeled immediately, catching her in a hug.

“My beautiful granddaughter.  How are you?”

"I’m good!”  

Father’s guard Tomas did a check around the perimeter of the house.

“All clear Your Majesty.”

“Thank you Tomas.”  

“You look very well, Your Highness….’

“Thank you Tomas, but you can call me Eleanor, or Ellie.”  She still liked it that only Nico and his family called her Elle.  It felt very special to her.  

They decided to eat on  the patio since it was a wonderful night.  Conversation and laughter filled the night air.  

Elle smiled as her father heaped seconds of her meal onto his plate.  

“Ellie, this is amazing.  I’m genuinely in awe of your cooking skills, in such a short period of time.”  

“Well, I’ve had the best teachers here, and I really enjoy it.”  

Nico patted his stomach.  “I’ve gained over four kilos since she’s been home.”

“And I don’t mind that at all.  We both have gained some. The food just tastes better here.”  

“But that’s happiness. You two are happy together.”

“We are.”  

“Speaking of, would you mind taking a walk with me King Liam, there are some things I wanted to discuss with you.”  

“Of course. Let me just finish….”  He took a few more bites of the food from his plate.  

“There is dessert father.  Your favorite.”

“Let’s get this walk in Nico, it might need to be a spirited run.”  

“We’ll start  at a fast paced jog and see how that goes."

Elle and Libby laughed as the two started to jog down the driveway.

"What do you think they're going  to talk about?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Libby stared at Ellie in silence waiting for her to connect the dots.

"You silly!!!!  Father insists the two of you have an announcement to make since you invited him here. Are you engaged? I know you're not wearing a ring unless you’re hiding it?  Are you engaged Ellie?”  

“No, he hasn’t asked.”

“Would you say yes if he did?”

Elle opened her mouth to speak but Libby immediately cut her off.  

“Of course you would!  I don’t even know why I even asked that. Well if you’re not engaged….”  Liberty’s eyes went wide.

“Are you pregnant again?”  

Elle choked on her drink.  “Why would you say that?”

“Could it be your mini me, that’s playing in the yard with your dog Icarus right now? You’re not denying it.  And you’re drinking water, not wine.”  

“So what? Nico is drinking water too.  He doesn’t drink anymore.  He only keeps wine in the house for company.”  

“You’re still not denying it Ellie….”

Elle nodded. "Yes, I'm pregnant.  He wanted to tell Father first."

"Think that's all Nico wanted to talk to him about?"

"I don't know, that’s all he told me he was going to tell him."

Nico and Liam

“I think this is a great spot to take a break.”  

Both Liam’s and Nico’s jogs stopped, pausing at the dock.  Both were relieved for the breather, neither were in the same shape they had been in when miles were easier to run and after a run, the two had spared for hours on multiple occasions.  

Before Nico could begin speaking, Liam spoke first.

“How is Eleanor doing?”

“She’s fine, she’s happy here, with me and Eliana.”  

Liam shook his head.  “How is she really?  We both know that’s how it started before, and then she started losing her grip on reality; she needed help.”  

“She is really doing well, King Liam.  She takes her medication daily, she goes to a therapist, we even see one together.  This is the most emotionally healthy she’s been in a very long time. Honestly the both of us are in a better place because of it.”  

“That’s really amazing to hear Nico.  And how is she with Eliana?”  

“Like no time has passed.  Ana loves her mother  as much as I do, which is why I wanted to talk to you alone.”  

“Alright, what do you wish to talk to me about?”

“Elle has been living here with me and our daughter for the past four months as a family and the past two of those, we have rekindled our relationship. With your blessing, I would like to ask Elle to become my wife. I have had my mother’s ring for her all this time, and now I feel like we are ready for this.  We’re having a family get together tomorrow night, and I would love to ask her while you and Liberty are still here visiting. She won’t say it, but she needs and misses all of you.” 

“We have missed her too.  I talked to Eleanor for a bit before you came home, she is very content with her life here with you. That’s all I ever wanted for her, was to find her happiness, and she has.  You have my blessing Nico.”  

“There’s more.  We also wanted you to be one of the first to know.  The home we are creating for ourselves, and our family is growing. We just found out last week Elle is pregnant.”  

“Then congratulations are in order. I would have never thought the two of you then, would have found your way back to each other now.  I remember telling Eleanor not to expect anything from you, because of what she had done.”  

“I love her, and I see her even when she has the broken pieces, and she sees me, even though I have mine, and somehow this just works.”        

“I see that now.”  

Party at the Karahalios Home

“Who is he?  Another of your cousins?  You have so many I can’t keep track of them all.”  

The young man had asked Liberty to dance for the fourth time.

“Actually no, he’s the son of a friend of the family.  We’re not related.”  

“He seems rather taken with Liberty.”  

“A little too taken.”  

“Father please!  Let her have some fun.”  

Liam crossed his arms over his chest.  “I’m watching him.”  

After more dances were enjoyed by all, Nico got the attention of the family crowd.

“Thank you everyone for coming out tonight, I can honestly say I’ve never been more content with the life I’ve been given and it’s all because of you Elle.   Can you come join me please?”  

“Go!”  Liberty gently pushed Ellie, she looked surprised as she walked across the lawn to  take Nico’s outreached hand, Ana stood by his side.

“If you think I'd ever love someone after you, then I have failed in showing you how much you mean to me.  Together we have made a family and a happy home.   The time we spent apart did both get to this moment.    I found love in your laugh Elle. And we both know, and remember a time when you didn’t laugh or smile a lot.  But that’s over now, because I’m here, we’re here. It’s just us Elle.  It’s always been us against the world.

You are a loving mother, and you have put Ana first, from the moment you found out about her existence.  Even when I couldn’t see.”

“What are you doing Nico?”

“What I should have done the moment you walked back into my life again.  I love you Elle.  I love everything about you, including the little broken pieces, that somehow heal when we’re together, in both of our hearts.  

Say yes to the next question I’m about to ask you, because I need you to, I want you to, and I believe you might want to, too.”  

Elle’s eyes filled with tears as Nico got on one knee.

“What is your question?”  

“Elle, will you marry me?”

“Yes!”  I will marry you!!!”  

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

I’m going to see if writing this out in this anonymous space helps me at all.

My dad has cancer. He was diagnosed a couple of years ago. It’s been under control until now, when it has spread quite aggressively to his bones. He called a family zoom meeting and told us. It was two weeks ago, the day after the baby had moved. At the time I had no capacity to deal with another trauma. I actually felt angry that he was imposing another trauma on me when I was already maxed out. Of course I didn’t say that. I messaged my sister to ask if she knew what was going on, and she sent me a screenshot of a message from my mum to her, saying “the appointment was awful but your dad will have to tell you”. This is how we communicate in our family, we are all scared of my dad so we message around him.

Since that meeting, my dad has had another scan and then was awaiting an appointment for decisions on chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

I messaged our family chat (just my parents, sister and me) at the weekend and asked if there was any update. No reply. My sister messages me privately and says, he’s due an appointment on Monday, but she doesn’t want to say that in the family chat in case she gets told off for speaking out of turn because she knows our dad likes to tell things in his own time. (Can you feel the dysfunction bouncing out of the screen?)

On Monday morning, I wonder to myself if the appt will go ahead because there’s a doctors strike here in the UK. I am too scared to ask this in the family chat. Later that day, I message my sister to ask if she knows if the appt has gone ahead. She says as far as she knows it was still planned to happen. On this basis, I message the family chat asking if it’s going ahead. Within an hour, my dad replies that he got the appointment day wrong and it’s not till Thursday.

To anyone in the outside world, we appear a very normal happy functional family, two parents in a loving marriage, two successful, happily married children and a generation of grandchildren . But underneath are layers of complicated stuff that the world doesn’t get to see. We are all scared of my dad, to varying extents and manifesting in various ways. I think I am the most scared, maybe because I faced his anger/impatience the most as a child and tried to shield my younger sister from it, maybe because I am more sensitive and affected by others moods and prone to blaming myself. T knows all this and I wish I could have her back to process what’s happening now with, because in order to try and work through it with a new therapist, they would first need all the back story, which feels so exhausting to go through again.

When we were on holiday with my parents in the summer, it was all (mostly) fine when everyone was together. But one evening everyone else went out to the cinema, leaving me and my dad home alone. I was in such a state of anxiety the entire time, watching the minutes tick down until everyone was back, and praying that he wouldn’t speak to me. I feel so ashamed that this is our relationship and I know my dad would be very hurt and shocked if he knew (he genuinely believes he was an amazing parent), but also the magnitude of trying to unravel it and either shatter his belief in himself or destroy his relationship with me is unthinkable. Aside from anything, I’m just not brave enough.

So I carry on, trying to walk the tightrope of saying the right things at the right time and keeping quiet at the right times, tiptoeing round the emotional landmines, and trying to hold all the complicated feelings of sadness and relief and grief in some sort of same time existence.

And I wonder how bad it should get before I take myself back to therapy.

[nescaveckwriter]

Paintbrushes & Romance - Part 19

"Look what you did," Dean hissed.

Benny smirks," not what I did Dean, its what you said." Dean glares at him, like he is thinking about killing him.

"Like I am going to take advice from you, what you've known her a few months! I've known her for years."

"No Dean, I've known her for a year and a half to be precise, I was there when she Overdosed, when she went through withdrawal, when she barely spoke, or ate, I was there!, not you," his voice getting angrier with every word.

Shock on Dean's face," what do you mean she overdosed? She never told me that, she just said she had a problem with pain meds."

"I'm not surprised", he said low, "when she was going through the withdrawal she, would call your name over and over, then when she got better, she'd sketch and paint, an image of you over and over. She truly adored you, so to answer your previous question, yes I knew who the hell you were, when you showed up at the diner with Jodie, to do the drug bust."

Dean's nostrils flare," and why didn't you say anything, or better yet, why did you take the bullet that was meant for me.?"

"Don't you get it Dean?, I took the damn bullet for you, so that she wont loose you, it will shatter her very being. That beautiful woman, loves you, she chose you, she didn't choose me, I wish she did, but she didn't. I knew from the start, her heart belonged to you, I just had the pleasure of caring about her for a while, and yes, I did love her, hell! I still love her, but I know she'll always choose you, why I don't know because you are a selfish jerk, you know that."

Dean flinches at his words, not because he was angry, but merely because, he realized Benny was right. He didn't deserve her, and he'll be damned if he ever forgot that, and to be honest he didn't get angry at what they had, hell he's done worse, but knowing Benny is so different from who he is, Benny isn't so angry at world, like he can be sometimes, and in his heart he knows that Benny is a good man, hell just by standing here, taking the punch and not throwing one back he's proven he is the better man.

Benny's deep voice brings him out of the trans he was just in.'' Look man, if you need to punch me again, I'll stand here, I will take it, and I won't fight back, but you have to promise me one thing!''

Dean's face puzzled when he asked,'' what is that?''

''Promise me, you'll take care of her, protect her, but never control her, because if I ever find out you took your anger out on her, there will be no place for you to run or hide, I will find you, and I promise I will kill you'', his eyes grey, and his voice deep and low.

Dean, smirks a little,'' first of all, I will never hurt her and secondly I should beat the crap out of you for threating me right now, but I won't, because I can see you care about her deeply, even though it bothers me, that she has loved anyone else other than me, I'm glad she has you, and I know that, if anything ever happens to me, you will be there to help her through it.''

Not expecting the sudden change of heart, he only utters, ''deal.''

___________________

She drove back into town, wanting to get away from the fighting, arguing and what the hell ever was about to happen. It was probably so idiotic of her to leave the two men, back home, but they need to sort this shit out, and she's not going to be in the middle of all of this. ''I'm too freaking exhausted for this'', she whispers.

Finding a parking spot, she shuts down the chevy's engine, texting Eileen if she is also at the Doctor's office. She's been not feeling herself for a few weeks, and decided to visit Dr Stone on Monday, and he called this morning, saying she should pay him a visit, she told her best friend and well she insisted to be here, and frankly she was happy she offered, Eileen waved her down from a few parking's over, fast walking towards her, Eileen looked at her, concern on her face, ''what's wrong honey she signed''.

Telling her everything that just went down, Eileen insisted she will let Sam take a look if the two men is still alive.'' Dammit Eileen, how is that Dean doesn't know that I would choose him a million times over. Yes stuff did happen between me and Benny, I still deeply care about him, But I love Dean, why I don't even know, if he acts like this he makes me so furious''.

Eileen gives her assuring smile,'' we'll figure it out, okay, but first let's go in, and see what is so important that he had to tell you in person,'' holding your shaking hand.

Biting your bottom lip, you just nod and walks in, thinking that everything was going so well, you were happy and know? what disaster is about to threaten your lives now.

''Hello, please take a seat, I've called you in here today, so that we can discuss your test results'', saying with a small smile.

''Give it to me doctor Stone''. you heard him saying ''after all the tests they've done, one test came back positive'', but by then your heart sank, thinking the worst. Not really catching what he said. Looking over at Eileen, signing to you,'' its going to be okay'', you only heard Doctor Stone, saying ''my assistant will book a follow up appointment''.

Trembling, Eileen helps you up, helping you out of the Doctor's office, sitting you down in the closest chair she can find, cupping your face, so she can get your attention,'' its going to be okay''. Helping you breathe, letting you know what the doctor, really said, you look at her wide eyed, signing to her, ''if she is sure'', Eileen just nods.

Getting up on your feet, walking in by doctor Stone confirming what Eileen just told you, you walk out, feeling a bit better. Hugging your best friend, thanking her for the support. Eileen asked you if you wanted to grab a drink, sit down and chat, but you just said ''rain check''.

After this emotional day you had, you are bone tired, the only thing you want to do, is curl up in bed and sleep. Even if it means if you had to chase Dean and Benny out of the house. Pulling into the driveway, you spot Sam's pick-up truck.

Filling your lungs with some extra air you breathed in, chewing on your bottom lip, not sure what to expect, you open the door. The sight of the three men sitting laughing, each with a beer in hand, makes you burst out in tears.

Dean's the first one to see you standing there,'' hello sweetheart'', he walks closer, slightly adjusting you so that the two of you stand on the porch, placing his hand on your cheek, thumbing away your tears, is gruff voice low,'' I've been a jerk, I am so sorry for saying your mine, like your an object, your not, thank you for choosing me, I've come to realize that it was my own insecurities that came to surface, when lashing out towards Benny. I'm not really angry at you''.

Tears still spilling over the edges of her beautiful eyes, her voice brittle,'' really?''

The soft kiss Dean places on her lips, reassures her.

Looking up into his much calmer emerald eyes, ''Dean there's something you need to know'', her voice shaky.

Dean looks concerned, ''out with it sweetheart'', holding her hands in his.

''The last few days, I haven't been feeling myself, so I made an appointment on Monday to see Doctor Stone, and he called me back today, and that's where I was. I got the results of the tests his done''.

A smile tugging at her lips, her voice sweet like honey, ''Dean Winchester, how do you feel about changing your name too Daddy?''

''What? Do you mean,'' his voice heavy.

''Yes babe, we are going to be parents'', her smile spreading across her face.

''I'm going to be a father?'' his eyes showing the emotion. He picks her up, swirling her around, then placing her down gently. Her laughter fills his ears,'' I'm going to be a dad, sweetheart!'' he exclaimed. This is the best news ever. He kisses her, holding her tightly to his chest, he has always dreamed of this day, settling down with the woman he loves and wants to grow old with, kids running around playing, working on there last nerve. How is it that this amazing, angel has giving him, more than he could ever deserve.?

[treasureyourfire]

Tarot in the shadow of Anxiety

-Long Vent post-

(English is not my mother language, sorry for the mistakes.)

I am currently in such a state that my faith in myself and in the Tarot has been greatly shaken.

If anyone else has experienced something similar, I'd appreciate some advice.

Anxiety and panic make it difficult to read -especially- to myself. I've always struggled with self-confidence, I can't fully trust my intuition either, it's hard for me to hear it. I try to meditate daily (but yeah, there are small or large breaks), try to connect to the right channel with breathing techniques and self-calming before reading, but there are situations when it's very difficult for me to find and maintain my inner peace. I get thrown off balance easily. I've been fine in recent months, although in general I get a milder anxiety when I sit down to read tarot, which I overcome sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly. I think this originates from lack of self-confidence and maximalism, perfectionism.

However, recently I had a day where I went into overdrive, when I couldn't keep my patience and sanity.

I have been harassed in nearly a week by a hidden phone number that I did not answer. I usually don't answer if it's encrypted or if a displayed number isn't in my contact list.

I asked cards for it and interesting things came out of the caller, what kind of person it might be.

Since when I've started practice tarot, this was my first YES or NO question :

Do I know the person personally?

I got the Five of Swords, which I took as a definite NO, so I didn't deal with it any further.

Then, early in the morning on Monday this week (March 25, 2024), my phone vibrated again, twice in a row, this time with an actual phone number. On the first call, it "rang" persistently and for a long time, the second call was shorter, lasted about half a minute. It wasn't in my phonebook and I wasn't expecting a call from anywhere or anyone, I didn't make new acquaintances recently, so I didn't pick it up either.

But an avalanche of catastrophizing started in me... Could it be a doctor? Ambulance? Police? (I had reason to assume these possibilities due to certain events in my life.)

I didn't dare to call it back for several reasons.

I asked a card.

Why did this number call me?

Ten of Swords

I immediately panicked, especially after looking up the general meaning of the card. I feared the worst.

I asked another YES or NO question;

Should I call it back?

Strenght in Reverse

I took it as a NO.

This was where I first panicked and I was unable to ask the cards for clarification.

After I stopped asking, it was interesting that for some reason I always wanted to say or thought of Nine of Swords instead of Ten of Swords... I wondered what if that meant that my own negative mental state had produced this Ten of Swords and I didn't got the true message.

After making sure everyone is all right in the family, a big stone rolled off my chest. This time, however, I didn't leave it at that and called the helpline with that I might be a victim of telephone harassment and gave them the new number. After the family's and my own private investigation, it turned out that the number, which was not encrypted, was probably a wrong number and was not the same person who had been calling me from the hidden number. We laughed about it.

But next, the guilt and overthinking hit me... Why did I act... I rushed it... I want to stand up for myself "for once", but I still feel guilty, what if I send the police on an innocent person. As long as they deal with the matter... (I am writing this post on Wednesday. The police haven't contacted with me since then, and I expect that (even though it's their job to see about it) they let it go.)

After getting into a "calmer" state of mind, I sat down again that day to ask for clarification.

For the Ten of Swords (Why did this number call me?) I received the following cards;

Six of Pentacles

Seven of Cups

Five of Swords

Queen of Cups (I felt that this card represented me, but even though it was an upright card, in this situation it did not indicate its positive/healthy state.)

I read a negative message from it.

I asked it differently.

What was the caller's intention? ;

Ten of Pentacles

Four of Cups

This was where the complete confusion finally came.

This sentence comes out of my mouth many times during some readings; "I wish I hadn't asked."

I felt that the first and second half of the message were completely opposite to each other. First I thought of negative intention, then positive intention. Of course, I don't know the other side, and it seems I won't know what the caller's true motivation was.

Maybe the cards were showing my own confusion? That I thought of several possibilities regarding the case?

I haven't known the meaning of each card comprehensively, so it's difficult for me to interpret and read them together, especially when several cards pop out at the same time (I prefer to work with pop-out cards rather than drawing), and I know that negative emotions and thoughts can take me in the wrong direction, no matter how hard I try to ground myself.

Maybe I wanted to analyze a too complicated case (or I made it too complicated for myself) with too many cards and questions, because in the end it all felt like a big, self-contradictory mess. I tortured myself emotionally too much. I had enough and didn't want to continue to force myself to calm down, and to translate the messages more deeply and soberly.

Last I asked advice:

What to do next to make it the best for both sides:

The Magician

This was the point, when I had finally had enough for the day. For me, the Magician seemed to "scream": "Create, act!" And I was just... What should I do? Should I call the helpline again to ask to forget my call from earlier? Should I worsen the situation or my own mental well-being? No! It was enough! I just wanted to run away and break away.

My second intuition was that the Magician indicated that I should continue to deal with my own things (this card has shown itself to me many times in the nearly past), to look at the big picture, my whole life, not just this one day, as it was the only Major Arcana in the reading. However, I wouldn't consider The Magician as a "Let it go and move on" card. Or do I should?

In hindsight, under action and creation it might be referring to bringing my thoughts down to earth level, and with this post I just have done that.

In any case, my self-confidence went under the frog's butt after the incident, and maybe I'm even more anxious to take the Tarot in my hands... I'm afraid of new emotional turbulences (I hated them always), of being overwhelmed. Supposedly there is NO such thing as a WRONG READING (but maybe wrong channel), yet I am afraid that I am not doing it right… I am afraid of another meltdown and disappointment. If it turns out that Tarot is not my path either, then I have no idea what it could be...

I'm still very much a beginner, there are pitfalls with this, I shouldn't take it to heart, but it's always been difficult for me.

Do you have any advice for me about this spread?

What would you have read from these cards?

Looking at my situation through the eyes of an outsider, maybe would help me to be more enlightened.

I've tried to research the following topics before to become a better reader, but I'm grateful for any advice you guys can give me. <3

What techniques do you recommend to read card combinations?

Do you have any other tips for dealing with my "tarot-anxiety"?

advice on how to manage my relationship with Tarot,

advice on how to strengthen the connection with my intuition

advice on how to strengthen the connection with my spirit guides?

When does the mind (knowledge or ego) speak and when does intuition speak?

If you're still here and read all the way through, thank you very much!

We never know what someone has to experience and learn on their own path, there may be low points, but I hope that I will not create more posts with such a desperate and tormented state of mind.

Take care of yourselves. <3

[nei-ning]

I got my depression medicine today. SUPER TINY PILLS! :D I take one pill per day (10mg) for a week and then 2 pills, either at morning or evening. I took first one today during early afternoon to see what kind of side effects I get. If bad, I could go to hospital to seek help instantly.

About 30min after taking the pill, my vision came very very VERY slightly blurry (for a short moment) when looking for too far. Like if looking at painting's frame, the outer edge of the frame looked very mildly blurred. Nothing more. After that started to come this feeling that my eyes are very tired, wanting to go to sleep but otherwise, nothing! I am RELIEVED! I honestly feared the worst symptoms (getting urges to harm / kill myself, nausea, diarrhea, throwing up, bleeding, fainting, heartbeat issues etc etc etc.)

But if the pills only make me tired I AM HAPPY about that! I take that any day! And since they make me tired, I know to take them in the evening for now. I just hope they also help me to fall asleep and sleep better.

Doctor also wants me to go to full blood test after a month (which is fine by me) and she will call me after 3 weeks to ask how I am doing with the medicine. After that I've no idea what's going to happen. Will I keep eating the pills for 6 weeks in total and then slowly start to drop them out or will I keep eating them the rest of my life? I hope not.

After all, I've been feeling so good this week (sleep issues still remain). I haven't taken my anxiety pill since Monday evening either since I haven't been needing them. I have been laughing, feeling happy and joyful, I've been able to do small tasks daily etc. even with these mild anxiety attacks (which I try to suffocate instantly when they rise). But I think one reason is the following which I have start to do since Tuesday: - I greet myself every morning via mirror (Good Morning, Beautiful) - I sing a mantra for 15-30 minutes - I do little exercises. Many different tiny moves for 15 min max. - I have given myself a little task each day: Do laundry, wash one cup, take out garbage, stretch your legs, spoil yourself with a feet bath etc. Something simple and small which makes me happy! - Meditate 15-30min before going to bed - In bed I listen either more calming / relaxing music or guided sleep meditation.

I also got text message from therapist. She asked me to fill this online application (which I did) and then call her so that she can check it and we can talk. I tried to call her twice today but she didn't pick up. I will try to call her on Monday. If she won't pick up, then I send her a text, asking her to call me back. I'm quite excited to be able to talk with her about all the things in my life :)

Also! When I went to get the pills from pharmacy, older lady worker spoke a long time with me. I told her about my symptoms, about my periods etc. She looked at me, bend towards me and said: "You know, all your symptoms sounds like they also could be result of the lack of iron in your body."

I was stunned so she continued. She told me that iron is the most important thing in woman's body and pretty much everything in our body depends on iron! She added: "I have experienced it all myself. But you also know what? When a woman is pregnant, she should eat iron so that the baby would get iron too. If the mother won't eat iron during the pregnancy, her baby won't get much iron either. No matter how much iron this baby would eat as an adult, it will never go to normal / high level. You never catch that normal level of iron."

That makes SO MUCH SENSE! I'm 100% sure mom ate badly (still does) when she was expecting my sis, me and my little brother. No wonder we all are "zombies" more or less.

I'm not saying getting and taking iron supplies won't help, since they do at least some, but the iron level won't get as high as it naturally should be if the mother ate iron during pregnancy.

[hasufin]

Battle lines and very small amounts of chemicals

It was on Monday that I realized I am unexpectedly on the front lines of the war against trans people.

How could this happen? I'm not trans. I don't even really identify as "queer". I am, on paper, completely acceptable to the rightwing authoritarians; I'd just need to put on a red ballcap and mouth "Jesus" a few times to get them to think I'm one of them.

Now, don't get me wrong - I certainly try to be an ally. Was strongly in favor of gay marriage when that question came up, and I'm in favor of healthcare for everyone, thanks. Which very explicitly includes trans people. But, well, I didn't think I personally was anything like being targeted. Yet I am. And how can this happen?

Well, on Monday I went to see a massage therapist, to hopefully get some help for elbow pain. I went to a place nearby that a neighbor recommended - decent sized place, plenty of LMTs, associated with a larger company. As a new patient, I gave them a fair bit of medical information: mostly just the usual ass-covering. Do I have a history of heart disease? Epilepsy? Do I realize that someone will in fact touch my body? &c.

One of the questions - and, again, I don't believe this was in any way meant to be discriminatory, just a broad liability question - was whether I am taking HRT.

And it clicked that, yes, I am taking hormone replacement. Very literally, I am. Just not what they were asking about.

I take levothyroxine. It's a synthetic hormone, most often called synthroid. It's used to treat hypothyroidism: when your thyroid is not producing enough hormone to regulate your metabolism properly. It's a pretty common drug; once I started it I found out that my brother and mother-in-law are both on it. I know it was a big deal for some people, but it's had no real effect on my life: every couple of months I go in and my doctor and I look at my labs and see whether my TSH numbers have gone down and T4 has gone up, and we adjust the dose accordingly. It's the first time since college that I've looked at anything in micrograms, though.

Aside from that the big effects have been that the pharmacy has trouble keeping track of the different prescriptions - their system shows the prescription for 125 mcg and 137mcg both as "Levothyroxi...." so that's fun. And I have to take it an hour before eating in the morning, which is inconvenient and the "solutions" to that always seem to assume my big problem is the 30 seconds between waking up taking the pill and not the 3600 seconds after that. But I digress.

The point is, I am very literally taking a hormone replacement. As part of an ongoing therapy. Hormone Replacement Therapy. That's what it is.

Every pseudo-concern that anti-trans people lob at the idea of HRT and gender-affirming care would actually apply to levothyroxine, too. There is only a finite amount of data on it (true of every drug, but hey, they want it to sound scary). There are risks. There are side effects. And, yes, I could probably stop taking it and not die.

Typically they avoid this - so far - by being nakedly bigoted, by banning it for specific people. Which is pretty obviously and wildly prejudiced. We wouldn't accept "Jewish people are not allowed to drive on Saturday" or "Black people can't buy sunscreen", but "Trans people can't get hormone replacement" is being allowed to slide past.

But mark me, the people pushing these things do not care. They will get stopped on their banning colored people from the drinking fountain. And they have no compunctions on tearing down the drinking fountain and closing the public swimming pools. They will absolutely try to ban an entire class of medication just because someone they have never met might have a slightly better life from it.

And if you imagine it won't affect you... I'm sorry, you're wrong. It can and will. You might not even connect it at the time, but you'll have a condition that's treatable with hormones, except you can't get them. Your mother will be unable to join you on a vacation because she's always tired now. Something. And that's the world these people want: one that's dragged down to the level of their bigotry, because they cannot abide even the chance that the people they hate might experience anything good.

[thessalian]

Thess vs The Placenta Guy

It says something about my life that while I do know all the names of the Undesirables I type for (because no one else wants to), the only nickname I really have for any of them is the one for who I can only call The Placenta Guy.

Look, the man does absolutely nothing but placenta cut-ups. Now, the thing about placenta cut-ups is that while they're booked under the mother's name, obviously you need to know a lot about the child (or children, if twins or something) when you're doing these, because you're generally trying to identify a placental cause for any issues that took place during the birth. Thus you have a triage form, which is mostly handwritten and generally fiddly and needs to be done every single time. Now, I used to be able to just copy from the form, but the new iteration of the system we're using is a mess - think badly designed website with large banner boxes that will not go away and get in the way of everything - and it's even worse on a small screen - say, a laptop screen. I'm contemplating asking for a USB-connective screen because the whole thing is a disaster on legs for me most of the time. But I've been coping as best I can because things are enough of a mess right now and I honestly don't want to make any kind of request this close to the holidays anyway.

Anyway. Point is that while placenta cut-ups are fiddly and annoying, they generally aren't urgent. So they sit in a pile until someone gets to them, and that someone kind of dumps them in all at once. But with the workload we've been having lately, there doesn't seem to have been time set aside to just sit down and do them. Instead, we have The Placenta Guy, staying after hours to dump whole bunches of them in the queue at once. First was Thursday night between 6-7pm. So I log in today, because more fucking overtime because there really is too much mess right now, and guess what? He was in for a couple of hours in the late morning / early afternoon, dumping another nearly dozen placenta reports into the queue. [EDIT: I tell a lie. He's still there, and the number of placenta cut-ups in the queue for today is now up to 15. He hasn't dropped one into the queue for about 15 minutes but these take awhile to do so that means nothing.] So they've got this guy pulling overtime to get the placenta cut-ups done, and me pulling overtime to get the reports for them typed. Because honestly, he's stayed late on other days and the other secretaries have just skipped them en masse to leave me to deal with them. Because gods forbid they make my life even the tiniest bit easier.

Right. I'll probably be stuck with at least Thursday night's offerings from The Placenta Guy, but the ones he put on the system today are problems for the rest of the girls on Monday. I am so fed up with being left with the annoyances, especially when I'm working overtime while still ill because they can't pick up the pace and our managers can't hire the help we clearly desperately need or even give this one secretary more hours, even though she's been begging for more hours. Why will they not give her the hours she obviously wants while making the disabled staffer pull overtime? I guess my work from home set-up works against me.

I'm stalling and avoiding, I know. But I'm looking down the barrel of a whole lot of work from The Placenta Guy because I'm basically at Thursday night's mess, and I don't want to. And of course they're all in a clump so unless I type them out of order, I'm stuck with the whole bunch of them one after the other. I swear, if they're going to have junior doctors dump this many longish reports into the queue well after hours on top of having all the junior doctors come in an hour before the secretaries do and leave one hour after the secretaries do, no fucking wonder we're always behind, even without the "unexpected absences". Which means this is going to be a cycle of me getting tortured with hours I should not be doing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oh, and to top it all off, turns out that the electrician my stepfather has coming in to replace the fuse boxes in here is coming at 8am, not 8:30 as previously stated. Apparently the electrician wants to come in earlier because "there's at least some light" (not the way this flat is located, there isn't; not at 8am in late November, but eh) and my stepfather will not tell him, "No, you said 8:30 so it's 8:30". Which is bullshit but never mind. Still means a half-hour less sleep. Though my stepfather did say I could crash in their spare room on Sunday night so I don't get disturbed, but ... no. I want my own bed. Besides, with this cold/flu thing I'm still suffering with, I'd probably snore like a fucking buzzsaw and I won't disturb anyone else that way if I can avoid it. Besides, it's yet more time without my computer.

Everything about this entire weekend blows dead goats for nickels.

[pbandjesse]

We are sitting in our cabin!! It's so nice. We are being so spoiled because I am positive other cabins aren't going to be so nice. This is the best I have been feeling in a week. I am just super happy right now.

And today was great. Even if I didn't feel good. I slept okay last night. Waking up was tough. James tried to wake me up and I kept asking for 10 more minutes. But would soon enough get up and felt fine. I got washed and dressed. I felt really pretty. James started bringing everything down to the car. I loved on Sweetp and set out the extra bowls of food and water we always leave for him when we go away for the weekend.

I wanted to say goodbye to him more but I also knew I wanted to get out of there and start our trip.

James made a few trips but I carried all my bags in one go. And then James brought our bikes down. I was for sure being a little bit of a baby today but I really didn't feel well. I felt so weak. It sucks. Jess wants me to see a doctor. I am going to get my next injection on Monday when we get back from the cabin so maybe I'll ask their opinion while I'm there.

We left the apartment and drove over to locust point to go to the giant and then have brunch at Southside diner.

James left me in the car because my energy level was so low. And when they got back to the car I got out to walk to the restaurant with them. Which is when at that exact moment I saw James close their keys in the car. Which then locked?? We have never had this happen before. I was so upset. I had grabbed my keys this morning as well but they were in my backpack. And James was like. I guess we call AAA. And I was trying not to get really upset. I was like well let's actually call Subaru roadside maybe there is a trick and as I said that and pointed at the number I saw that the passenger side was still unlocked!!! We don't know what but it was such a blessing and saved the morning.

So we got the keys and I keep clowning on James to check for them.

We went to have brunch and while it was good the same thing that keeps happening to me happened again. I was super enjoying my meal. And then half way in I felt so sick I wanted to cry. I tried my best to power through and at least finish my sandwich but I was bummed because it was really good.

It was just nice being with James. People watching. And trying to guess what the new store is that is opening where the Walgreens was. But soon it was time to go.

We weren't driving to far. Less then two hours. And it was a beautiful day. I brought my embroidery and got to work while we listened to James's sport podcast.

I brought stuff to do the next couple embroidery pieces. I only have 4 left. Which does mean I technically started the project a day early somehow. I think I forgot January has 31 days. But that's okay. I will do finishing work on the last day. And then it will be finished for my birthday.

The drive out here was nice. But we could not check into the cabin until 5. So we had time to kill. Once we were in the area of tuckahoe state park James brought us to an arboretum!

Which was very nice. The woman at the desk was slightly awkward in conversation at first but was super knowledgeable about the stuff we could see. And I really did enjoy the walk. The more time we were outside the better I felt. Though I was very quick to be tired. There were a lot of benches and I enjoyed seeing the different trees. The streams were my favorite part. And seeing birds overhead. I bet it's very beautiful in the spring.

We were there for about an hour. And got a free book about native plants at the end. I really liked sitting on the benches and watching the sky. I was feeling happy. But my inside hurts. I was telling Jess earlier, around this time, that I was afraid I would never feel good again. But slowly, as the day has gone on, I have been doing better and that is encouraging.

We got back to the car and decided to go to the campground and see if we could check in early. There didn't end up being a person at the ranger station so we decided not to bother. And instead we went to the pavilion/picnic area and set up a hammock to chill for a while.

And that was perfect. Because I was so stupid tired. James got me a blanket (eventually went back for a second because the wind coming off the water was very cold) and we cuddled in the hammock for a long time. James read a book. I slept.

We got startled by someone car alarm. And that when James got me the second blanket and went to sit on a bench so I could have the whole hammock to myself for a while. I didn't sleep anymore after that but I was super cozy. About an hour had gone by and we would spend another half hour chilling. Before James decided we should go get condiments for hotdogs and hopefully it would be time to check in.

And that worked pretty well. We tried royal farms first but no luck there. I got a soda though. We went to a food lion and got relish and cheese sauce, my favorite hot dog condiments, and then since there was time we stopped on the goodwill across the street. It was kind of a bad goodwill. And I don't want or need anything right now so it wasnt like we were buying stuff. But it was fun to look around. And then it was time to go to the park.

We still waited 15 minutes to see if the ranger was coming. But nope. The cabin was just unlocked.

And for real we are going to be so spoiled for cabins. It's so cute. The outside is fine but the inside is all painted panel walls and big soft couches and a cute little kitchen. There heat and air and a microwave. Plus it's right on the water. This is the best. This is more what I had pictured with our bach weekend of I'm being honest. And like that was fun but this feels just a little closer to nature. Even if that had more deer.

We got all of our stuff inside. James left me know that besides the two twin beds there was also a pull out mattress. Since we only brought one sheet we decided to sleep in the living room and use the bedroom for our clothes and stuff. We got it all cozy and unpacked. And watched the sun set.

We had hot dogs for dinner. And I worked on my embroidery more. And soon James built a fire. We did not remember a lighter or matches so they used the stove to burn a piece of paper so we could have s'mores. Love James they are so smart.

And it has just been a beautiful night. James have been reading. We listened to a podcast. Watched videos. And now it's 9 and I am freshly showered and ready to get some sleep.

Tomorrow we are going to see nature and I have like two weeks of knitting to catch up on. I set up the hammock outside and I just want to chill and feel relaxed. No stress, no expectations. And hopefully I continue to feel better.

So wish us luck. And be safe out there. Goodnight everyone. I love you!

[gilfrespecter]

I'm chatty this morning sorry(I'm not it's my blog I'll do what I want)

Some things that I'm thinking about is one day I really want to switch to just having a landline and a desktop. Probably a flipphone too(do they make ones with good cameras?). I love having my Friends in my pocket but alas there is also The Apps there and I'm the kind of insane guy who prefers phone calls to texting especially for information that doesnt need to be written down to be remembered.

2 my favorite flavor of monster(papillon the real sugar peach one) has disappeared replaced by the australian lemonade which is Nasty. I do like the pineapple reserve and the sailor jerry can one but peach is one of my favorite flavors and artificial sugars make me sick. I was looking about maybe ordering some with my tax return but it's like. 40$ for a 24 pack when all the gas stations around here always have a "buy multiple for cheaper" sale going on. I've asked they won't let me just buy a pack. Wait I actually just did the math the 3 for $5 deal is the same price as the 24 pack($1.67). Much to think about. I'd probably be better off just starting to take a multivitamin LOL

3 oh my god I want to kayak so fucking bad. Mine is absolutely NOT safe to take out in the winter and I don't mind being cold I don't mind being wet but I do not like being cold and wet and to launch mine bc it's so long I have to go like at least ankle depth into the water to launch it and that's not even beginning to talk about getting a 16 foot ocean kayak up on top of my fucking chevy spark on the icy driveway(it DOES look very silly it's mostly safe. I dont take it on the highway). Or out of the basement even LOL. I also absolutely need to get my fishing license this year what with the price of meats. With my rudder working now I can go Faster and Further which I'm excited about and I think that's what my brain's like "kayak time now" about. I need to take a rescue course TBH they're really cheap by the local paddle renting company in a nice warm inside pool but also that involves being Maskless which I don't do(waterboarding is not an option) and I'm still not allowed to be Submerged. It's absolutely something I can teach myself on a calm day at like one of the state parks I just need to work on powering through cold shock again which I used to be really good at and am probably Even Less Good At Now bc a ton of fat has been Removed from my chest. But also I run even warmer now(who knew that was possible LOL) so it might be less of a problem than I'm thinking it will be

Speaking of post top surgery changes WOW THEY SURE CAN DO my voice has dropped again relatively significantly for me(I still have a pretty high voice but I can hit really low if I try I'd love to do voice training but money) my facial hair is coming in alot more too I use like. Minoxodil once a week at work/if I remember (when I first get in this way I can wash it off to keep the Vivicat safe by the end of the day) but I don't think once a week is enough to really be the Cause. I wonder if getting my Very Expired nexplanon out will change things more(I was on it to stop my period which t seems to be keeping up on just fine I'm just not getting it taken out bc I like using my arms and they wouldn't do that for me during top surgery I asked. I don't really need it either pandemic induced celibacy).

I want to go to one of the drag shows or karaoke nights at the local leather/only gay bar soon. I need to remember to set up an eye doctor appointment on monday. Nushki needs a bath. You scrolled through all this so here's the reward of seeing Nushki being Sillay

[renataturner]

(Content warning: Surgery, cancer.)

On July 2nd, I was being rushed into emergency surgery after a week of pain. The cause was determined to be internal bleeding and I'd written the pain off as things I was used to dealing with. The cause of it is something I've only disclosed to those closest to me, please forgive me for not specifying, but I have to keep it in a box for now because everything that came after threw so many wrenches in my best laid plans.

In my chart, it was noted that a mass was visualized and a sample was taken of it. Their focus was on fixing the bleed and closing me up because my vitals took an alarming dive. It got messy and it was a close call. I stabilized and improved rapidly after surgery and was sent home.

On August 29th, I was informed that I yet again had Stage 1 cervical cancer. Given my history, and the hell I went through every month with those organs, the decision was made to just remove it all. They needed to do an endometrial biopsy to determine if the ovaries stayed or went. That was scheduled for September 29th. My pre-op appointment was scheduled for the next morning on the 30th as I had been medicated for the biopsy.

At that appointment, I was told that surgeries were booking into mid-December, but my doctor was going to double check the schedule to make sure. She'd mentioned possibly kicking me over to MD Anderson Cancer Center, I'd still be looking at probably a late October, mid November date due to intake, etc. But she wanted to double check their booking first.

She comes back and asks me what I'm doing Monday. It's Friday. I'd just told my boss two days prior to schedule me my normal shifts because there was no way they'd be able to get me in the next week. I told my doctor, "Well, I was working, but I guess I'm having my surgery?"

Monday, October 3rd, I had it all taken out. In addition to the cervical mass they saw in July, they found a walnut-sized tumor in the muscle of my uterus that had not been there in July, so they decided to send everything they removed off for biopsy. My ovaries were left alone in the anticipation that the endometrial biopsy would come back clear. (Thankfully it did, two days after surgery.)

I am doing well. In some ways I feel better than before surgery. Overall I still tire easily and am sore. I am still waiting on those two biopsies to come back, they should come back any day now. Hopefully they come back clear, but if they don't, I get kicked over to MD Anderson for an oncology consult and a pet scan to make sure nothing metastasized and I'm truly, fully in the clear.

I've been doing my best to stay upbeat but honestly, I'm angry. I was finally on track to change my living situation, and then my bills after insurance for July drained my savings. I'd just started to gain ground again when the rest of it all hit. I know I'll gain it back again once I'm back to work, but it's still frustrating, and I'm angry about it. Everything has ground to a halt. I'm out of work, my offline happy place, for at least 4 weeks. I'm angry at the reason I almost died in July, but then I'm also confusingly grateful that happened, because I'd already had my yearly exam earlier in the year and it was normal, but this was on the other side of my cervix, they wouldn't have found it if they hadn't had to do surgery. I'm angry that I fought for years for a hysterectomy, had my insurance essentially say they wouldn't cover it unless I got cancer...and then I got cancer. Again. I'm angry that if they had taken me seriously, none of this would have happened. No near death experience, no cancer, none of it. It would have prevented it.

So that's been my summer and early fall. I've been relatively quiet because processing everything has been so excruciating and so I packed it all into boxes and shoved it in a mental closet because I had to be strong for my kids. And I didn't mean this to be so long, I've just been holding everything inside because I can't show my kids, for the sake of their own mental health, even though the oldest connected the dots. Her siblings are not in mental spaces to process it the way she has. Further, I've been shoving it away because I just want to get through it all so I can get past it all and my world can start moving again.

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour et bienvenue. It’s another sunny Sunday here in Bar-sur-Aube, 19c expecting 21c so perfect for whatever I plan to do today.

Friday evening I was in town to see the Halloween Parade. I spotted people I knew, my physiotherapist, some of my refugee ladies, my old mechanic, his wife and daughter plus the staff from the Maison Pour Tous. I called into the little supermarket in town and they had a basket of sweets ready to distribute to the children. It really is lovely to see.

What a day yesterday!! I went into town bright and early to buy my fruit, vegetables and newspaper, my head was feeling even woozier than it has been for the last couple of weeks, so I just returned home instead of calling for a coffee. I got home and was baking, macaroon topped mincemeat tarts ready for Xmas, a mushroom tart, which I was going to have for my lunch, I was preparing cake topped stewed rhubarb and planned on making a lemon drizzle cake. Anyway, ate some mushroom tart, was on the phone, when suddenly the pain and pressure in my ear forced me to touch my face and 😳 it was swollen, huge behind my ear and the pain was going up the side of my face. I came off the phone and was in a complete tizzy, thinking all kinds of terrible things. I saw my neighbour was at home so went there to ask what I should do! By this time my head was pounding, I felt I couldn’t see properly and when they suggested going as an emergency to the hospital I asked if someone would take me (couldn’t trust myself to drive). Anyway long story short…. we had to ring 15 (Urgence) I gave my surname and the man at the other end said my first name (do they pick that up from the phone number?) after finding out the problem he put me through to the on-call doctor. Fortunately, I know her and was able to speak in English. We were told to go the the surgery and she would see me. I quickly packed a bag (well better to be prepared). Blood pressure and temperature were ok and she concluded that it could be a blocked salivary gland. Anyway, I am going for blood tests (yes again) on Monday (hopefully), just to check it is nothing else. My neighbour brought me home, called early evening to see that I was OK and then this morning his wife came round to check I had had a good night and was feeling ok. How very kind 😁.

One of my refugee ladies delivered her baby on Monday 17th, she has called him Martin. I messaged to see if she was ok and was surprised that he had arrived, as hospital had said she was due in November. She said he has had the hat and bootees on, I really must finish stitching up another hat for the lady who was expecting a girl. I imagine she has had her by now too.

Pauline messaged and gave me the name of the roofer who replaced her grandmother’s roof. I rang and left a message, then I sent a message. He rang me the following day and said he would call to have a look on Friday, guess what he did too! I asked if it was a big job and one guy (spoke some English) said it wasn’t. Hopefully the price is right and it will solve this problem once and for all!

Didn’t get my cake made last Sunday and mid afternoon Anie rang to say she had a pumpkin for me and would call round. I quickly took cheese scones and coffee cake out of the freezer and they were all defrosted by the time she arrived.

Called at the Social Security office (again) to check to see what to do with the “bon de transport” for my trip to Nancy. Until my Carte Vitale is re-opened I cannot book a taxi….. I need to stay calm and just hope that all is resolved by the first Thursday in November (otherwise I may just have a meltdown!)

This coming week, the lady who is going to clean my home, will be arriving for the first time. She is coming at 9am so I had better set a few alarms so that I am up and ready for her. It’s just to help me out and knowing me I will probably do half if the work before she comes, but it will just make things easier and will mean I can get outside more 😉

So when you are in such a tizzy it is nice to be able to wander around the garden checking out all the beautiful plants still flowering. I have (fingers crossed) taken some cuttings of œillets and coleus. I cut the grass, I love it when it is just done. I checked on the peonies in the pots, although there is not much to show at the moment there are some shoots just under the compost so I am hoping for grand things from them next year. I ❤️ my garden……

My granddaughter went to her first football match yesterday, Scarborough v Spennymoor. Unfortunately, “The Daddy”and her had to leave at half time as it was too noisy for her. I am sure she will go to another match at some point, it was nice that “The Daddy” took her.

Wow, things are stepping up for “The Paralegal” now too, he is about to embark on the next phase of his life, he is excited (he is not the only one) although it’s a big leap into the unknown. Well we all have to make a leap at sometime, which is something I have tried to instil into my children. We all love the comfort of “familiar” but it’s great to start to write a whole new page.

So this week I have chosen a poem which is described as, to be recited to relieve stress/anxiety.

An excerpt from Up-Hill by Christina Rossetti

“Does the road wind up-hill all the way?

Yes, to the very end.

Will the day’s journey take the whole long day?

From morn to night, my friend.”

Bon dimanche!

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1998 Couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Actually, I’m gonna go check my email first. Be right back.

Back just a few minutes later after getting the usual - junk mail from Evie. Why does she send me tons of poems and jokes? The poems are utterly boring and the jokes aren’t one bit funny.

I went through the photo albums and ditched 95% of Art’s pictures and 99% of Dureen’s pictures. I ditched all of Larry’s, except for the big one he’s in with the kids and with Doe and Art. I also have Doe and Art’s big wedding picture and a few others of little Larry and Jen. The freeloaders will be getting a few more for variety’s sake. They’ll be getting a handful of different people. Got rid of Bill’s pictures too.

As I went out to the recycle bin at midnight and heard those fucking dogs going off, it further enhanced my already foul mood, and I figured I’d give them a reason to go off for once. They stopped barking just as I went out there, but then I let out a chilling, blood-curdling scream I didn’t even know I possessed. I screamed long and loud two times. That set them off, alright. How can that bitch sleep to the tune of two dogs going off just a few feet away?! And she must’ve heard me scream, didn’t she? I’ll never know, but it was good to get that scream out, anyway. I mean, these fucking things have been horrendous! They just won’t shut up and they’re right back to their old ways of non-stop barking even after dark.

Later…

Larry just got his final phone call from me. The one where Mary from Microsoft Mouth says “Larry, watch out. You’re a bastard and soon you’ll die.”

I tried to have her tell him he was a fucking asshole, but Mary sounded too computerized on those words. He picked up on the first ring, too. What? Was he waiting up for me? It’s 3:00 in the morning there. Guess the poor bastard must be confused now, cuz if Tammy and Andy and others thought Mary and Brutus were for real, then I guess this little shit will too.

Here we go again. I’m up to 114 pounds and I haven’t shit. Every time I lose weight I don’t shit. The lower my weight, the more constipated I am, cuz my body just doesn’t like to be thin. It does whatever it needs to do to keep that extra weight on. Well, since I’m not shitting today, I took a water pill.

Today was a better day for me emotionally, as I knew it’d be.

Tom did a little more of the roof and now most of the house is safe from the rain they predicted for tomorrow. The tarp is down very securely over the front of the house.

He got me up at 11:30. I was pretty tired and could’ve slept a few more hours. It’s so great to not wake up wheezing, though! Although, I still have congestion most of the time and tightness some of the time.

I noticed Melie’s new look right away. Her hair was a little shorter but still long, and it was straightened. I thought she used the straightening iron. There was just a little bit of wave to it. She said her mom, who does hair, came in from California and did her hair. She doesn’t trust anyone else with her hair, she says. Her hair looks nice, but I liked it best with bangs, but instead, her forehead’s exposed. She didn’t have it up in a headband this time. She had it swept off to the sides. It still looked nice.

I was surprised at her reaction to the card I gave her. She was really impressed with the drawings and seemed to look at them forever. As figured, though, she didn’t open the card with me there. She put it on her counter.

She asked me what I did for Thanksgiving and things like that.

I got a variety of colors this time, too. I got bright yellow, purple, pink, and aqua. I have 10 brackets, so I’ve got 2 yellows, 2 pinks, 3 aquas, and 3 purples.

Then I told her I was ready to do the bottom teeth, and after the doctor checked me, he said I didn’t have to have any teeth pulled. He said the teeth can be brought out and then there’ll be a big enough arc for the teeth to all fit in. Tom was surprised they didn’t take any X-rays.

I jokingly said that I wondered if I’d lose more weight since both of us agreed that it helps with that. She asked if I lost any more. I told her just a couple of pounds and she said she wanted to lose 10 pounds. I told her she was already thin and she said others tell her that, too.

So, she put the spacers in the bottom teeth, and the braces will go on next week.

I think this is the first time I ever had appointments that were just a week apart, three weeks in a row. Hope I can make it there!

Then the week after that comes the kidney test. Yeah, I called Vicki and she called the place where I’ll have both tests done, then called me back. It doesn’t sound like it’s gonna be very fun. I have to get some kind of a prep kit that I think includes an enema. Do you know how sick those things make you?! She said she didn’t know the details of the prep kit, but to go to the place and pick it up before my appointment.

As for the uterus test, she said to call the place when my period starts, cuz they like to do this test 6-10 days after your period.

Tom said it’s no big deal and is still being a wonderful support. Yeah, until he refuses to participate and holds me back. God, I wish to hell they could find what’s wrong with me since I know it’s me that’s got the problem, and therefore not bother testing him! I still wonder if I’m making a mistake and doing this for nothing. Could it be that I was right about Tom’s having control over his cumming and therefore, he’s gonna let himself cum for the test, then go back to his cumming once or twice a year with me? I just don’t know what I’m in for here, but I doubt he’d ever cum again if he knew I was OK. If he almost never cums with me not OK, then he sure as hell won’t with me OK.

A part of me wishes I wanted a kid as bad as I did in 1994-1996. Then again, if I did, that’s all the more hurt I’d have to go through when the end result was no baby, and that’s exactly what it will be.

Anyway, I believe my kidneys are fine, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were told my uterus is shaped funny.

After seeing Melanie, we went to the bookstore. The guy that’s usually there wasn’t there. Instead, there was an old man who did everything in slow motion. I got $10 off in credit so I got my 8 or 9 books for just $11.

There was a message from Laura wanting to know if I’d heard from Andy. Thanks, Andy. Thanks for telling me she didn’t have access to my number. I don’t want our number given out, I told him on his machine, and especially not to a druggie. Do you know how much drug money she could get if she broke in here while we were out? We’ve got a lot of valuable stuff. This is a hard-core druggie, too, and not just a pothead.

A few hours later Andy left a message while we were out saying he got back in an hour ago and would like to tell me about his trip when we talk live. I’d love to hear about it, I told him in my reply message, and also, since he usually has so much to tell me when we talk and since I don’t get much chance to talk too, I told him of my upcoming tests and plans for bracing the lower teeth. I told him we’ll talk sometime this week.

Anyway, he just left another message saying that Laura came into the house and went into his address book only cuz he was supposed to be back Saturday, so she was worried. Besides, if something happened to him, who’d call me? He’s got a point, as I replied to him, and there’s been no harm done. Also, I figured he’d be late due to the shitty weather we had, but if he wasn’t back by today, I’d have been worried, too.

Till next month!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1998 I have a zillion things to write about, and most of it is not very cool.

Let me start with the freeloaders. I was right again about them. Well, we were right about them. There hasn’t been any significant trouble yet, but next weekend or the weekend after, around the freeloader’s birthday, there will be.

Yesterday I was thinking about how they must be dying to give us noise right back and would prefer to wait till we were done but were probably getting too impatient to wait much longer. Well, they did just what I knew they’d do at some point over the next few weekends. I mean, it’s quite a coincidence that that hoop, which hasn’t been used in months, was finally used after Tom’s been banging about for a couple of weeks. They couldn’t be more obvious than they were today, although it was for under 15 minutes. Tom was right, though, when he said, “Don’t bother being noisy, cuz it’ll never bother them. It’ll just make them noisier just because it’s you that’s being noisy.” Today proved him right. They just can’t stand to be left out. Such attention we crave! I knew they couldn’t handle hearing from us without wanting to be heard right back. I’m not stupid as far as these people are concerned. I know exactly what they’re up to and why. I know how, where, and everything that makes them tick. I know their MO, etc.

Yesterday, the white car visited, but that was it. Today, as figured, the cock was here. Tom said he saw the bitch hanging out clothes all day. I’m sure the cock showed up for a piece of that line, as well as a piece of her ass. I didn’t see the white car pull up, but as I stepped up to the living room window, I saw a tall, skinny woman freeloader get out of the car with a baby in a bassinet and a couple of other kids. None over 8-10 years old. It looked like two girl freeloaders, plus a newborn.

Not quite. Next thing I know I hear a ball bouncing along with Tom’s nail gun. He worked at their side of the house today. This no doubt pissed her off and she went and called these people over, but there weren’t just 3 kids. More like 5 at the very least. There were two black boys playing ball (I saw the cock move its car into the carport).

Fucking, mother-fucking freeloaders! Slam, slam, slam! That’s all I’ve been hearing. I thought something fell on the roof and that I was done with next door’s shit till next weekend, but nope. In comes the freeloader. It’s getting its clothes, I guess, but I still fear this thing may be on the verge of moving back in. It’s just coming around way too much. Well like I said, if it does, it’s outa here. Same goes for its bitch. We’ll never be neighbors again, cock, never! Hear me, cock? Never!

Anyway, as I was saying till I was rudely distracted, the two black boys, who were about 5 and could’ve been twins, played ball for a few minutes, then left in the white car. All that just to be heard back, huh Joebitch? God, we’re getting rather desperate here, aren’t we?! These boys were cute, though, Tom said, asking him if he was building this house and if he lived here. I asked if any adults knew the boys talked to him and he said he didn’t care. I’m surprised she didn’t yell up to him, “Shut up! Shut up! I’m sick of your shit. Don’t you be talking to no one here or I’ll have you served, ho!” She’s damn lucky she didn’t, though, cuz that would’ve sent me flying over there. I’m sure she did know and that that’s why the game was so short and why they left. Initially, she was probably hoping they’d play for hours. That’s what I thought they’d do too, but they will when he’s off the roof. Next weekend or the weekend after, there’ll be hours’ worth of ball games and probably some music too, and remember, Mistake’s birthday’s coming up. I think it’s the 14th.

I just know they’re gonna cause trouble as far as noise goes and it’ll be in the near future, too. The question is, this time around, do I want to go over there and beat the shit out of them? Do I want to give them noise right back (and that includes in the middle of the night)? Or do I want to have the city evict them?

freeloader’s still here. Damn! I just want this thing outa here! Its presence is really making me nervous. It came around the back of the car, jumped up and grabbed the hoop and swung off it (too bad it didn’t break the hoop), then it got stuff out of the backseat of its car. It looks like some of it could be for the mistake too, and that worries me. There’s no U-Haul as of yet, but it moved in little by little the last time and it brought stuff for the mistake, no doubt to impress the bitch and butter her up into letting it stay with her.

It was wearing a beanie-type cap. One that’s longer than a beanie. Tom told me that’s an Islamic religious cap. Islamic? Aren’t those things pretty fucked up? You ever notice that so many freeloaders are into religion? It’s obvious why. They do it as a cover for their sins/faults/mistakes and as an excuse to keep on doing them. Some people think that they can do all the wrong they want and get away with it if they just say, “God. I’m sorry.” Take a bank robber, for example. If that robber was told that all he had to do to get out of going to prison after a robbery was say, “I’m sorry,” and that’s it, it’d keep on robbing. The freeloaders see it that way, too. They think they can harass people like me and not give a fuck about anyone but themselves, as long as they go to church every Sunday and apologize for it.

Yeah! freeloader’s gone. Now stay the fuck away, you piece of motherfucking scum shit!! You ain’t wanted here, dickwad!

The dog across the street continues to not be a problem so far.

Later…

Fuck! Here we go again! I just heard a really loud slam that could be felt as well as heard over this loud fan. I could tell it parked in the carport too (probably hauling over more of its shit), where its slamming would echo off the walls. All I can see is the very rear end of the car, but you know what? I can’t really say for sure in the dark that it’s the cock’s car. I think it’s a white car. Even so, how long is the payback gonna be? How long am I gonna have to listen to them deliberately slam doors really loud? Can’t this bitch see that there’s a difference between someone working on their house and generating noise cuz they have to in order to fix their fucking roof, and someone deliberately trying to get your attention and get you to notice and acknowledge them and their existence and harass you? When are they gonna grow up and cut the immature shit? Enough’s enough! This shit’s getting fucking old. Keep it up bitch and company and you’re gone!

Karma. The idea of it would normally give me peace of mind, but not with these people. Why is it that somehow, I feel God’s gonna let them get away with the shit they’ve given me? Well, it’s sad but true, that what goes around doesn’t always come around. Not for everyone. God has different rules for different folks.

Anyway, this bitch doesn’t typically have company at 6:30 on a Sunday night, but I wonder if this car is gonna be here overnight since it’s parked halfway into the carport. I doubt it. I think it only went in just enough to enhance the slamming of the car door, but if it’s still here in a few hours, I’ll step just outside the front door and see what car it is.

It’s early evening, so the collies are going at it. They’ve been going at it for over an hour. I can hear them whenever I go into the bathroom, but for another hour or so, I’ll have the air cleaner on in the living room where I am now. I absolutely cannot believe that no one’s either shot these beasts or complained. Maybe they did complain but found that it didn’t do them any good.

Now let me back up to yesterday morning. Due to the rain they predicted, Tom got plastic sheeting and put it on the roof. He used some of the bricks that have been sitting at the side of the house to weigh them down.

I was thrilled that I’d gotten myself on days and would have no problems getting to my appointment.

Late yesterday morning, we screwed, then he used the dumbest, lamest, senseless excuse I ever heard! No, not the “I’m sick,” “I’m tired,” “I’m too sore,” “I’m too hot” lines, but the “I’m too horny to cum” line. That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! I mean, how can one be too horny to cum? That’s like saying you’re too thirsty for a drink, or too dirty for a shower, or too hungry for food. If he can’t tell me he just doesn’t want to cum, he’s gotta do better than this, but that’s the thing with him, he thinks he can boldly lie/deny the obvious. As long as he knows you can’t literally prove him a liar, he’ll tell you the sky’s green if he wants to. He’ll tell you the grass is pink. Anything he wants to bullshit you on, he’ll so boldly and daringly do so, no matter how off the wall it is, and no matter how wrong you know he is.

I haven’t exactly spilled the beans on him (not that it’d do me any good) and told him I know he’s only cum once since last April, but I did tell him that I didn’t see how we’d have the time to do any “testing” if we were told to screw 10 days in a row. Not with our schedules and busyness. Besides, what good’s it gonna do me with a guy who refuses to cum? I really feel I’m just wasting my time here and thank fucking God I don’t want a kid. I’d never get pregnant by this guy. If I were fixed, this poor, terrified guy will never cum again! Not with me, he won’t. A part of me feels guilty, too. I mean, he’s willing to sacrifice cumming altogether (at least with his wife), just so I can be fixed and be normal and have a full bag of rights as a woman. Well, it’s his choice, but how can he have the nerve to look me in the eye, after telling me not to make excuses to back out of this thing, and tell me he is going to do his part of the testing? Yeah, right! Like hell he is! Which is it - is he delusional into thinking he can really squirt for testing? Or is he that much of a bold liar who’ll knowingly and intentionally lie to my face like that with no empathy, no guilt, no remorse, and with no plans whatsoever to let them have even a drop of his cum? I just wish I knew what I was in for! Am I making a huge mistake that I’ll live to really, really regret? Or does he know something I don’t? Something like how he plans to let them have his cum for testing’s sake, then will make sure none of it gets inside me if I get fixed? Well, I always knew he was in full control of his cumming, so we’ll just have to wait and see what he does.

Now for the worst thing that happened since I last wrote. Curses come and go in waves. Right now, the coast is clear, thank fucking God! Ironically, this shit went down right as I noticed I hit an all-time low of 111 pounds. Coincidence? Or was it compensation for what happened last night? What happened? Oh, just the usual shit battling with that fucking roof. I swear I wanted to sell out right then and there and just go into an apartment till we can move to where we want to be, or sell out now and move to where we want to be, but take our dumpy furniture with us and forget about using the sale money of this house to buy newer, nicer furniture. I’m soooooo fucking sick of this shit!! I need a fucking roof over my head and I just want us to have a life! Is that too much to ask for? Of course it is!

Anyway, the nature of the desert is, is that if it rains here, it’s usually in the morning or at night. It rained in the morning but was clear from 11 AM-10:30 PM. Amazingly, the morning rain did not leak in here at all.

I was pissed at myself for falling asleep too early and for getting up at 8:30 PM, which would mean I’d have to stay up at least 18-20 hours before I could go to sleep and not get up too early. Well, I couldn’t have slept a couple more hours if I wanted to. At 10:30 I was lying in bed when I heard a crash overhead. I thought it was Tom making sure the tarp was covering things well, but nope. It wasn’t him. It was the bricks falling. That’s how windy it was out, and it rained real hard, too.

So Tom went back on the roof and weighed the tarp down with bags of shingles that weigh 70 pounds, but not without it leaking in the bedroom, the bedroom closet, and the music room first, and not without him nearly getting blown off the roof. No water came down into the music room. Just the ceiling got wet, cuz the stupid male fucks that put in our AC didn’t connect it to the roof very well. I cussed them out on their machine for it (after blocking this number), not cuz it’d change how they work, not cuz we don’t have to repaint all the walls and ceilings anyway, but cuz I was in a foul mood and have been all weekend. Tomorrow should be better, though. Gonna see Melie and maybe stop at the bookstore.

I expressed a vibe I had to Tom about waking up to water leaking on my face. He said that that’d be extremely unlikely. That’s what makes it likely. The fact that it’s not likely. If it’s unique, odd, different, abnormal, fluky, freaky, uncommon, unlikely, etc., it’s me. Anyway, I was close. I was already up, and the leak was at the foot of the bed. Fortunately, though, only a few drops came down through a crack in the plaster, but the closet got hit worse and it stinks in there. It stinks of mildew everywhere and I had to spray a disinfectant all over but thank God it was just my typed journals that got wet. They may have dried up OK. I didn’t check, but we covered my dolls, the stereos, the TV, VCR, and computer stuff with plastic.

Anyway, this whole ordeal was humiliating, frustrating, and even scary, cuz I just didn’t know if it was gonna cause sparks to come shooting from plugs or what.

I was also infuriated with that bitch next door and all I wanted to do was go over there, walk it over here by the nape of its neck, and show it how we live and how at 33 and 41, we’re still struggling and we’re still trying to get ahead. Meanwhile, this bitch uses her kid to get the city to cater to her for free. I could’ve beaten that bitch to a bloody pulp yesterday!

So the rain and wind stopped, the leaks stopped dripping, then Tom went out and made a $600 investment. He bought a compressor, a nail gun, and many other tools, gadgets, and accessories that came in a kit.

As of yesterday, only the back room and garage were done, but now he’s gotten towards the middle of the house done and says he could’ve gotten 75% of it done if he didn’t have to work tonight. He said the nail gun makes it three times as fast.

Miraculously, I fell back asleep from 5 AM-10 AM when Tom woke me up.

What? If this is the white car, is that woman and her 500 kids moving in? It’s like, yo bitch! Wake up and face reality. Hello! You can’t do this if you don’t want to lose that house, you dumbfuck cunt!

On the other hand, I’d say this car will eventually leave cuz the front porch light is on. Usually, you turn it on for the visitors you expect and leave it on till after they leave. God, I hate living next to druggies! Fucking traffic in and out and in and out as their fucking buyers and suppliers come and go like bumper cars at a carnival.

Surprisingly, I haven’t heard from Andy this weekend. I thought he was due back last night, but as Tom said, they might’ve taken an extra day or two cuz of the weather.

You know what’s sad about Andy? I mean really, really sad? He wanted to get fired as much as he did, and he’ll keep on doing it probably for the rest of his life. He’s gonna set out to deliberately get fired over and over again. When he comes back, he’ll stop or cut down the pot, get a job, then make sure he gets fired in a week, then use that as an excuse to get stoned. Why? Why is he so scared to decide whether or not he wants to keep certain jobs? Why does he want the decision made for him? I mean, why doesn’t he just ask to be fired in a week the day he goes in for a job interview that looks promising? He might as well.

Now for the last subject I wanted to cover. Tammy left a message yesterday sounding happy and even younger, saying that all was great with her, Mark, and the girls.

So I called her back today. First she told me she was really busy, cuz she refinanced the house and got $4,000 in new furniture, and that Mark was remodeling with her.

Also, Larry’s causing trouble again. Yeah, it fucking figures. I knew he’d be up to his old shit sooner or later. He or Dureen or Art. And what makes it even sicker is that they use Tammy’s kids to get at her.

Larry, you sick little fuck! If I could be there for just 5 minutes! Just 5 minutes with you, boy! Aaaarrrrrrrghhhhhh! No words could express just how much I’d like to slaughter this sick fuck! Now I see why there is so much violence and murder in families. It’s so easy to resort to and sometimes it’s the only solution. I mean, I totally disagree with those that say violence is no solution. Sometimes it isn’t, but sometimes it is, and I can see myself easily killing a handful of so-called “family” members if they were here in this room with me. It’d be no problem, and if I didn’t kill them, they’d wish to hell I did cuz they’d be hurting that bad.

Larry’s right - Tammy’s a shit mom, and I do believe he really did have the best interests of the kids at heart when he called the state (along with doing it to spite Tammy no doubt at the urging of Dureen and Art), but it takes a lot of balls to call the state on someone, then turn around and call the house to talk to her kids! I guess this happened when Tammy was out, but he called to talk to the kids. He does like Lisa and the sicko’s trying to replace Larry with Lisa, but it was mostly to spite Tammy. Not to talk to the kids for the sake of caring about them.

Tammy said something about contacting the police about his calling there, but why doesn’t she change her number or get Caller ID?

Anyway, it really pissed me the fuck off that I called his house, but Sandy answered. I hung up the first time around, but the second time she answered, I began to tell her what I’d do to her husband if he didn’t cut all contact with the girls, but as I should’ve known, she hung up. Then I tried Larry’s business number, but that was disconnected. Then I tried Doe and Art, but that too, was disconnected. I should’ve known that bitch would go to such extremes. If she could change her email address, of course she’d change her number. Did she move again too?

So I thought about forcing Larry to change his number by pranking him in a non-traceable way, by just letting it ring a half a second, then hanging up, and back and forth, but I realized it wouldn’t do me any good. For him to change his work number, but not his home number, tells me something. He wants Lisa to be able to get through somehow. I really feel sorry for that girl if she’s still in touch with him! He’s just gonna hurt her, but sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. So be it then.

What I did end up doing was calling his local police department, telling them he was making harassing phone calls to me, and to please talk to him. The guy I spoke to said someone would call him, and he took down his address too, but I doubt he did call him. Then again, maybe he did, cuz I’d think that Larry would’ve called here by now if it weren’t for my complaint. The reason I did this, is to let his police department be aware of the fact that he’s trouble, so it’ll hopefully prevent him from pulling any shit on me in the future and maybe from pulling anymore on Tammy. If he did, he wouldn’t look very good with my complaint I phoned in. They keep a log of this shit. It’ll also hopefully send a message to this fuck that if he fucks with us, there’ll be consequences for it.

Someday, sooner or later, as it’s inevitably bound to be, Doe, Art, and Larry will all fuck each other over yet again, and what’ll probably be the last time, then Larry will go back to having no one on his side of the family, and Doe and Art will have no kids. Yeah, they know how to lose them one by one. Still, I wish I had been an only child! Think how much worse it’d have been if there were 6 of us! That’s a terrifying thought.

Later…

The dogs are still going off in spurts and the white car’s still here. It’s the white car for sure, too.

I just called info to see if there was a number listed for Larry’s business. I called the number I was given but didn’t get the machine I hoped to get. Instead, an older woman answered. She just said hello and sounded groggy, so maybe it wasn’t his business number, but I don’t know.

I’ve got to stop this! I’ve got to stop letting myself get so pissed off over these people! Giving them a piece of my mind won’t do shit, and they’re in the past. As I told Tom, this may sound selfish, but a part of me is seriously contemplating not giving Tammy our new address/number when we move and just walking away. She’s still too closely connected to Bill and Larry, although I know she doesn’t want to be. It’s just that every other time we talk, she tells me something about Bill or Larry that infuriates me, and I need to get away from this shit. I need to put my old experiences/memories/emotions to rest and get on with life, but I feel like my connection to Tammy keeps rekindling the past. It keeps the emotions alive and it’s not good for me. I deserve much more and much better than this in this day and age.

Later…

The white car left at 9:05. Right around Joebitch’s bedtime.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1998 I’m in great shape schedule-wise for my appointment and for the next few days of roofing (although we don’t know if he’ll be able to work today cuz of the weather. It’s cloudy, but it hasn’t rained yet). I took a Benadryl at 7 PM and was in bed for the most part until I fell asleep. I slept from 9 PM-2 AM.

Marla replied to me saying she was happy I was going for testing and that with today’s technology, I have every reason to believe I can have a kid.

Not if my husband won’t cum. If he’s scared to cum with me sterile, he’s gonna be absolutely petrified to cum with me fixed, if they can fix me. I’ve decided also that yes, I’m gonna leave it in God’s hands should they fix me. Well, God’s and Tom’s, so to speak. I still firmly believe, I firmly know, God and Tom together wouldn’t let me get pregnant. I know what’s meant to be and what’s not as far as a kid goes, I just hope I never want one as bad as I used to ever again.

Then Marla said her bubble deflated when she read what I wrote about Andy’s getting fired and getting high. Yeah well, what else is new? After doing this since he was about 20, maybe he likes this. Maybe this is what he wants and maybe it’s what he strives for.

Another thing I hope I don’t ever go back to is wishing I could have sex regularly with my husband. Not a chance with this guy! Yet he says he’s not sore or tired. If he’s not sore or tired, and if he’s supposed to be horny all the time, then why doesn’t he want me? He can’t help how he feels, although just the other day he made a contradictory statement saying the roofing was catching up to him and he needs to hurry up and finish. Anyway, I guess we’ll get together next on my birthday, but I just hope I don’t have any irritation!

As far as my decision to let God decide what’s best for us should I get fixed, well, I’m sorry if I went into Never-Never Land there for a minute, cuz there is no fixing me. And even if there was, we’re not going to get that far. As soon as we test Tom, it’s over. It’s inevitable - and I can see how this will play out - that I call it quits as soon as he proves himself to be the liar he is when it comes to this subject and doesn’t do as he promised.

Enough of the kid, sex, and lies shit, and onto the weight. Once again, 112 pounds is as low as my body can go without many days of starving. I gained a pound in my sleep due to not shitting. Every time my body gets down to 112-113, it doesn’t shit so it can reset itself back to 115 at least. I wonder why it is that my body doesn’t want to get under 112? I guess it’s just not healthy in this day and age. Typically, a body won’t gain/lose weight if it doesn’t want to and if it doesn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’ve got two days’ worth of food in me since my body won’t shit and I have a feeling that as long as I don’t eat, it won’t shit till my body’s back to 115 first. Well, maybe I’ll help it back up there later so I can shit.

Tom downloaded a dictionary for me but hasn’t checked it out yet to see if it’s any good.

Yesterday I helped Tom by cutting shingles. I used a hook razor that really made the job a lot easier. I didn’t like getting bits and pieces of fiberglass stuck in my hands, though.

Tom stapled down the tarp, too. That’ll be a real pisser and a real curse from God if it rains today when it hardly ever rains on a weekend to begin with, and when he’s well-rested and has the whole day and night free. He only has to go in a couple of hours like he always does at the end of the month, but he can go in any time he wants. Meanwhile, when he has to work a long shift and is beat, the sun will be shining.

The cock was here for what seemed to be all day yesterday. I don’t know if he was watching Mistake all day, or if Miss Bitch was there all day, but she didn’t work. Neither did the city, so that’s why the cock was parked in the driveway, too. Most people don’t work the day after Thanksgiving. I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, the cock left at 6 PM without a bang. Shortly after, in came the pearl van. I only heard a door slam, but Tom said he heard a honk too. I don’t doubt it. Then after a while, I noticed a white car parked on the street, which left at 9:00. I was asleep when the pearl van left, so I don’t know if it gave off a little 30-second concert or not, although it wouldn’t surprise me. The people in the pearl van are the rebellious type who’ll risk Joebitch’s tenancy just to go against me and spite me. Same with the aqua-colored car. Haven’t seen that one for several weeks now, so I’m sure that I’m due for a visit from it anytime now. I’ll bet they’re just itching for Tom to hurry up and finish the roof cuz they’re dying to be heard right back!

What is it with this bitch and all this company? This is the cock’s department, I thought. There was only company like this when he was in the picture, but for the first time since she’s been on her own, she’s a company freak just like he was/is. What? Is she that desperate, insecure, and afraid to be alone, or what? Can’t she take just one day off from going out and having visitors?

Later…

OK, I’m back to 115 pounds. I had a TV dinner, but still don’t feel like I’m gonna shit, so I decided that I either shit or take a water pill. I can’t keep letting these extra pounds accumulate, cuz then it’s harder to get around. So, since I can’t shit, I went for the water pill. I knew that if I didn’t shit or take a water pill, I’d end up around 118. God, all the slavery I go through just to stay at 115! Is it really worth it? Why do I keep depriving myself of the extra food and pounds my body needs? Maybe I should give myself a set number of months that I’ll continue with the hard work and hunger that goes into staying at 115, then let myself go, and eat when I’m hungry and let my body gain whatever it feels it wants/needs to.

Later…

Tom thinks that the bitch’s company, along with the bitch itself, was showing each other what Christmas presents they got yesterday. With money the bitch isn’t even supposed to have? I don’t know if they went Christmas shopping or not yesterday, but I highly doubt she and her company were drinking sodas and playing cards. I’m sure they all got stoned.

As for the weather - the clouds out there do look nasty, but they’re moving fast. Tom says that now the current report says it’s to rain today, tomorrow, and Tuesday. I highly doubt that. First off, they always hype things up, and secondly, it just doesn’t rain on weekends here and if it does, it does it in the morning or the evening, so I still say he’ll be able to work today and tomorrow. If it rains all day today, I’ll swear God only had it rain cuz he was doing the roof! If he weren’t doing the roof, it’d be a typical sunny Saturday. Still, the tarp’s down and he’ll only lift up the sections he’ll be working on. The garage and most of the back room are done. He’s gonna finish the back room, then do the music room, bathroom, and kitchen which is in the middle of the house. Lastly, he’ll do the front which is the bedroom and the living room.

Who will come to see the bitch today? Gee, let me guess - someone in a white car and a gray car? Cock and sis.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1998 I managed to sleep from 5 AM to noon. At 9 PM I'll take a Benadryl to help keep my schedule from going too far forward, although I may need two tonight because I'm getting kind of immune to the stuff again.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1998 Tom was up when I got up at 5:30. He had been asleep, but the phone woke him up. He said he didn’t know why it woke him up, though. That’s a first.

I was just in the music room when I heard something that I thought was coming from the bedroom, then thought it was from the freeloaders' carport just outside that window, but now I don’t know. Maybe it was from the roof. Maybe the cat nudged a tool up there or something. I looked in the carport and didn’t see anything, though.

Later…

I just remembered something. Well, as I suggested to Tom, I hate to see him spend money on God knows what on the 4th (Red Lobster or miniature golf). So, why don’t we just consider the lollipop doll as both my birthday and Christmas present, then I’ll get Edie with any birthday money I may get from Mom. If mom doesn’t send any birthday money, I’ll save enough money in my piggy bank for her. Then I remembered the Christmas money. She typically gives money for Christmas. If she does, it’ll be at least $50 each, so I’ll be getting another doll with that if I do. So maybe I’ll be getting 4 more dolls instead of 3. Another few weeks and Patrice should be here. Hopefully, we can go to the bookstore and the doll store on the 4th, though.

Later…

I was right about the freeloaders. No shit from them today. The bitch was picked up early in the white car, and the cock was here for a while, but that’s it.

I wasn’t right on when, but I was so right about the roofing being harder than Tom envisioned and taking much longer than he could initially see. He’s having a miserable time with that fucking roof. The shingles require so many nails and just don’t cover as much space as he thought they would, cuz they need to overlap by 6” or so. So, he may have another 1-3 weeks’ worth of work to do, and he’ll be getting tarps to staple down to protect us from the rain we’re supposed to get this weekend. Of all the weekends it has to rain in Arizona, it just had to be this one, huh? What? Does God want him to work on the roof only when he has to work at the bank all fucking night, too? Yeah, this naturally has me furious with God. It’s like - thanks, God! Thanks for treating my husband like shit and for running him ragged like this for no reason. He doesn’t deserve this shit. He needs to have a life. We have too much other shit that’s gotta be done. He can’t keep dealing with this fucking roofing shit week after week after week. It’s like God has no mercy or empathy for this man, he won’t help him help us, and what’s the point of not having a kid if we can’t have a life? The purpose of not having a kid (one of them) is so that we can live life and do things, yet we don’t even have a life. The Chanukah shirts can be forgotten about, the library, the things we were gonna do on the 4th, and the other household projects that need to be done before we can move. All this is gonna have to be put on hold.

First, I had to worry that Marge was gonna kill him and now I worry about God. It’s like something up there really, really really does want him to be constantly tied up in shit. There’s no doubt about that, but I knew this years ago. I don’t know how he can delusion himself by thinking he could’ve had time for a kid, any more than that I could’ve handled it.

What I did amazingly handle was sleeping through his banging all day. Not smoking really helps and yes, it is better to be fat, look like shit, and feel good, rather than to wheeze, have a racy heart, and look good. He did wake me up 2-3 times throughout the day, but I just went right back to sleep. I still need to push my schedule up by at least 8 hours before I can comfortably see Melanie.

I asked Tom why he couldn’t go to his mother and say look, you’ve got the resources and funds available, so get some people in to help me for once, but he said we’re too deep into the project to call for help now.

Sex is gonna have to wait another week or two, and it’s not that I miss it cuz you know I prefer sex with the vibrator over sex with him, but I worry that this is gonna bring on another round of irritation. At least there’s stuff for that, though.

Tom told me he saw the dog across the street, and I was like - what?! He’s seen it and I haven’t heard it?! How can that be? Well, it turns out that this dog’s a really small dog and it’s kept indoors. Indoors!! Can you believe it?! Indoors! Well, at least that’s what appears to be the case so far, anyway. He said he saw it run out of the house as adults were standing around talking out front. He said he could hear country music coming from their house. He said the little girl across the street was playing with the collie kids. Every kid within a 5-mile radius plays with those kids.

I still can’t believe that we’re about to hit December and still, no one’s played ball at the freeloaders!! So this tells me that yes, she’s under the false, but wonderful impression that part of my shut-up-or-get-evicted deal with the city means that there must be no ball games either. Well, in a sense she’s right. I won’t stand for hours of ball-bouncing every week. No one that has houses all around them just a few feet away should be playing ball, anyway, any more than they should be leaving dogs out all day and all night.

Not that Tom would’ve obliged, but no one came out and told him to shut up and give them a peaceful Thanksgiving. Well, most others around here are anything but peaceful themselves between their music, dogs, and screaming kids. And I’m not surprised the people in the collie house stayed here all day, either. These people are just like the Ms were. They never go anywhere.

I wondered if this was the first potential obstacle as far as the testing goes and if God was thinking about sending me messages about him not agreeing with what I’m doing, but Tom said we’ve come this far, so let’s just get the kidney and uterus tests done. He said kidneys are important, and if we find out the uterus’s shape is bad (I vibe it could very well be bad, too) then we’ll know that’s the problem, and that’ll eliminate us having to bother with other tests.

It’s easy for me to say, let’s put the testing on hold till after we’ve moved and after we’ve built our dream house, which will take a few years, but nah. There’ll just be something else going on at that time. I’m wondering if this will ever fit into our lives and if God ever wants me to have any answers.

Later…

Gotta get Tom up in a few, but meanwhile, I was thinking of taking Benadryl to hopefully take a nap. That might push my schedule if I split up my sleeping, so I can end up being up during the next few days.

Later…

Maybe the collies have finally shut up. They went on and on and on. The people there probably had a shitload of company. Again, the people there are also very very lucky that we’re moving. But will it still be in June? I don’t know. If the roof can drag on this long and if so, many other things can too, what’s to say we won’t be able to move till 2002? As we get closer to June, we’ll see how my vibes are, cuz that’ll tell me more.

El cocko came in at 9:30 and I assume it picked its bitch up. It was too dark to be certain it was his car, but I’d guess it was. Its engine starting up didn’t sound like Bill’s and it definitely wasn’t a white car. I heard some familiar sounds that I didn’t like, though. I didn’t like those “packing” sounds I heard. These are the same sounds I’d heard when it’d come and go in the past. This took place over a course of 10 minutes or so. Now, how much fucking turkey can you unpack? I doubt it was turkey, and I wonder if he’s slowly bringing his stuff back, but freeloader beware! You step foot back here and so help you fucking God, you’re outa here! I’ll turn right around and contact the city and this time, I just may take it a step or two further than that.

This is the plan - to take a Benadryl at around 3 AM and sleep till around 9 AM when Tom comes home and starts banging away. Today he’ll be banging away over the bedroom, too. If I can sleep till around 9 AM, then I won’t go to sleep again till between 1:00-3:00 AM and will then be on days. If not, then I’ll just try to stay up as late as I can and I’ll just have my sleep dragged out longer than usual due to both his hammering and the Benadryl. Benadryl tends to put you out longer than usual, and if I’m sleeping on and off all day cuz of his hammering, that ought to help push my schedule. Tom says not to worry and that getting to my Monday appointment is a done deal.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1998 Well, that’s the first time I ever shit after taking a water pill the previous day.

The mailman was kind enough to let me have my doll catalog, after all, which came today. Tom said we’ll have to order the Sunshine and Lollipops doll, cuz her molds have been broken so time’s running out. I didn’t even notice that until he pointed it out. Well, she has been around for a while, so I’m not surprised. Rapunzel’s been around for a while too, so I’ll bet her time’s running out.

Summer Dream definitely has the best dress, but Winter Romance has the best face. Spring Promise and Autumn Reflection are just so-so overall.

I asked Alex to send a blank email to my mom as I was curious to see if she changed the name again. If he did what I told him to do, then according to him, there’s no such user. I’m not surprised.

Tom still thinks I would’ve not only been a good mom but would’ve been able to stand it physically. He thinks I’m a night person cuz Doe was when I was little. Yeah, I remember hearing her TV till really late at night on the other side of the wall. Sometimes the things I’d hear would scare me, too, when I’d hear screaming or scary music on the TV. Anyway, I told him Tammy’s always been a day person, and he said that at that time, what with Larry just a few years older, she probably was more on days. He feels that babies can adapt to their mothers and that mothers can adapt to them, and I’m flattered he has all this faith in me, but I don’t. I also know what’s in my cards and what’s not as far as that goes and I just thank God that I’m OK with it, as I have been for about a year now. 1998’s gotta be the best year of my life so far for moods and emotions. I got fat and I’ll always be fat, but I’ve had so much more happiness and peace. Things have been fairly quiet around here save for the fucking collies, I haven’t had constant bouts of depression over being sterile, so it’s great. I don’t miss all those depressing, frustrating crying spells!

I still haven’t seen Measles, and that one time I saw White Paws was the only time I’ve seen her since she disappeared. I wonder where she stays and why she and Mama Cat don’t come around at least once a day anymore. Can’t complain, though.

They haven’t moved in across the street yet, either. It’s too quiet and I don’t hear a dog.

I looked online but had no luck finding a dictionary. Not only would it be nice to have on the computer something that checks spelling for me, but it’d also be nice to have something that tells me what words mean.

Andy’s leaving for California early in the morning and he’ll be back Saturday. That’ll be good for him and that’ll give me a break from his calls for a few days. In his last message to me, he never mentioned my letter. I hope he gets it if he hasn’t yet, and that his mailman’s not like ours.

I don’t have a bad vibe for Turkey Day tomorrow, as far as next door goes. If they’re gonna be here tomorrow, which I don’t sense, then they’ll be hearing us, cuz Tom’s gotta get the roofing done by Saturday. They say it’s to rain this weekend, but I doubt it. I doubt it cuz most of the time they say it’s gonna rain it doesn’t, and cuz it almost never rains on weekends here. Well, I just hope to hell he gets it done before it rains and gets it done fast. I’m so sick of roofing, roofing, roofing, roofing!! It’s really getting to be a very old subject and I just want us to be able to get on with our lives for a week or two, till the next big project comes up, like other people’s computers, although God knows we have enough shit of our own to do. I’m just really goddamn tired of this roofing ordeal. He’s gonna have to be pounding away during my bedtime too, but it’s a lot easier for me to fall asleep to the sound of something than to already be asleep when it starts. Besides, I know what’s going on and it’s not someone deliberately trying to wake me up and piss me off, so I’ll survive just fine. Not smoking, and therefore not wheezing, helps a lot too.

There is the chance that my vibe’s wrong and next door has a big party here and acts like the fucking assholes they did on Easter by playing a 3-hour ballgame to join into our noise and give it right back, but I doubt it. I really think they’re gonna wait till after he’s done and after they see the dumpster’s gone.

Speaking of the freeloader, Bill just dropped the bitch off.

I decided it’d be nice if I listed the title and author of the books I’m reading. Well, yesterday I began a book by Patricia Wallace called Twice Blessed. I read 100 pages yesterday and intend to read more today.

My period’s starting. Why a week early, though?

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1998 Although I didn’t sleep too well last night, I still have that good, positive vibe I had all day yesterday (and I vibe a peaceful Thanksgiving too). I woke up 4 hours after crashing and had to take a Benadryl to fall back asleep as tired as I was, then I woke up several times in between till I got up at 2:30 to stay. I’d like to flip my schedule forward at least 12 hours, but with this fucking roofing ordeal, who knows? I’m starting to feel like this damn roof will never be done! It’s hard for him to balance roofing time with his regular job.

There’s a city van in front of the freeloader’s house. I wonder what they’re doing. I also wonder how they feel about finding Bill there again, and I know this isn’t the first time they’ve found him there. Meaning, do they suspect he lives there?

I like having Bill here in the daytime. It keeps people away from the basketball hoop, and I don’t have to worry about being blamed if their house gets broken into. However, one can blame me for anything they want to cuz if I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it.

Later…

Just had some grapefruit. I’ve heard of people going on grapefruit diets where they have nothing but grapefruit, but I’m getting so sick of working so hard to stay at 115 pounds and going hungry so much of the time. Once again, for the millionth time, I’m thinking of just letting myself go. This isn’t natural. You need to eat more at this age and be heavier. My body’s crying out for more food and for a good 10-20 more pounds. I look like shit at 115 anyway, so does it really matter if I gain weight? I just won’t be able to enjoy rocking, but we’ll see.

Tom’s done roofing for the day.

Later…

I just changed the mice’s cages. It’s easier on my allergies if I don’t change everyone at once. I do the pig and rat one day, then the mice another day. The guys one day, the ladies another day.

I checked for email, which I thought I’d have tons of, and got an IM from Alex. So, I added him to my address book and my buddy list.

Andy beat me to it as far as him returning that paper with different fonts and checking the ones he likes. I sent him a SASE in my letter to him, cuz he had said he didn’t have any envelopes, so knowing how broke he always is, I thought I’d help him out, but he sent me these sheets back today. So he can keep the SASE for something else or cover up my name and use it for whatever he wants.

He picked the fonts I thought he’d like. The ones that are easier to read. He also decorated the envelope with a picture of the original Charlie’s Angels and the cast of Twin Peaks. He also cut out strips of old letters I sent him.

So, the freeloaders will get a few goodies added to their write-ups. I stuck in these fonts with Andy’s handwriting and with his picture bordering the two pages, and also, a sheet of stationary Kim sent. On the sheet they’re getting, she writes about how Bob’s against her ruining her beautiful tits and all that BS.

At 4 PM there was an anonymous call hang-up. Was it Andy or are the freeloaders at it again?

I took an old gray, sweatshirt dress that I’ve had for what might be half of my life, and cut its sleeves. It looks and feels better this way.

As you know, Art was on America’s Funniest Home Videos (even if we joke and say he was on America’s Most Wanted). Well, Tom says they’re making a show called America’s Scariest Home Videos. He disagrees, but I told him that I’ll bet you anything that half the shows are home births. Babies that came too fast to make it to the hospital. That shit sells just as much as sex, drugs, violence, and rock-n-roll do. Anyway, he thinks it’ll be accident-type stuff.

I sometimes share my writings with Tom, and I shared with him yesterday’s entry. He didn’t get my sentence that said, that was Evie’s case till I came into the picture and she got pregnant. Of course, Tom doesn’t believe this stuff, but Evie’s got those two kids cuz of me. She’ll never know it, but I’m the one responsible for those kids existing. She wouldn’t have them if it weren’t for me, although I suppose if she were still meant to have them, someone else would intertwine with her having them. You see, I don’t just think things are meant to be for a reason, but when they’re meant to be is for a reason, too. Also, God intertwines and kind of mingles events with those that we know. I’m sure he decided before Evie was even born that yes, she would have two kids. However, he was gonna wait till she was older for reasons best for her, and also till I came into the family circle. This way God could kind of kill two birds with one stone. He has Evie wait till he thinks the time’s right, and he uses it to hurt me. Back then I really wanted a kid really bad and God knew I’d feel left out, hurt, and jealous if someone was having kids in the family.

Tom told me he heard that antibiotics can help a woman get pregnant, cuz the antibiotics kill off bacteria that can kill sperm. My response was, “Then why wasn’t I oh so fertile in my 20s when I was always on those things?” He said I wasn’t screwing like I am now. True. I only did it 15 times or so before I met Tom. Besides, I know my problems are a lot more serious than just popping antibiotics. It would take much more than that to fix me if I were even fixable. Also, women can only have female babies cuz the chromosomes that make up male babies are less resilient.

Later…

God, I am so sick of this shit! I’m so sick of having to have just a few bites a day and going so hungry so much of the time in order to stay at 115 pounds! Anyway, I gained a few pounds cuz I gave in to my hunger too many days in a row and had 1500-2000 calories a day. I’d have to have 1000 calories a day in order to lose weight and do you know how fast 1000 calories go?! It’s like telling a smoker who’s been used to smoking a pack a day for a long time to suddenly cut down to 3 cigarettes a day. There are hundreds of calories in just two bites, so having 1000 is close to starving, I’m sick of this struggle and I’m getting closer and closer to just letting myself go. I’m tired of the constant hunger. Besides, I’ll never be thin again, and if I were 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, it’d be hell trying to hold it. I’d go back to 115 pounds in just a week.

No wonder so many women are miserable. Especially the ones my age and up. They set unrealistic goals. They try to get “thin,” but that’s just not possible when you’re older. You can lose a few pounds but beware of the hell it takes to do it and to keep those few measly 5-10 pounds off. Older people are naturally plump cuz that’s just the way God designed us to be.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1998 I have wonderful news, but first, the light blue car is here. Bill’s still here too. I don’t think it’s a coworker in that light blue car. I mean one who happens to be black too, and who happens to have a car that goes with this bitch’s people’s cars? I doubt that. It’s too coincidental. There are probably mostly other poor, lazy blacks going where she goes, though. Although, I wouldn’t exactly call her lazy. She gets out regularly, 5 days a week. She’s just mean, broke and stupid.

The people across the street aren’t all moved in yet, Tom told me. Yeah, I know. No dog yet.

Our dumbfuck mailman gave me a catalog that belongs to N. 21 Dr. I’m sure they got my doll catalog too.

I had bad allergies last night like I do once a week or so.

Andy’s going to be going to California after all. Good for him. He’ll be going from Wednesday to Saturday. Good. Then he’ll get the letter I sent him before he goes. He should get it tomorrow.

He broke down and got high. I told him I still love him anyway, and always will no matter what, even though I like him better sober. As I told him, though, I believe someday he’ll quit for good. Just like I quit cigarettes for good after years of many failed attempts.

He said he was proud of me for taking the first steps toward getting tested. He said he’ll support whatever I decide to do. Now that’s being a good friend. He said he was shocked too, and didn’t think I’d ever go this route. Neither did I. Anyway, I filled him in on the basics, and I also filled in Evie, Kim, Tammy, and Marla. Yup, I heard from Marla! She’s just been busy as hell.

Anyway, this doctor’s right by the Crystal Creek complex and she’s pretty nice. So is her nurse. No one there is as attractive as Melanie. They’re all just there, but at least they’re nice and seem to know what they’re doing, and that’s what counts.

They’re remodeling their office, though, and man was it dusty!

I didn’t have to wait as long as I thought I’d have to and there weren’t a bunch of pregnant teens with wailing kids.

First she weighed me as 119 since doctor’s scales are always 4 pounds more than regular scales, then I tried unsuccessfully to give a urine sample. I should’ve remembered this! I should’ve drunk lots of water.

Got a freeloader update before I go on. That light blue car backed into the street to let Bill out and I saw the driver again. A very tall and very thin black lady with two girls that were about 8 and 10. No older than 12 and no younger than 6 for sure. After she backed the car up, the freeloaders and these two girls ran around screaming and jumping up at the basketball hoop (I thought they were gonna play ball) for a minute or so, then they all went into the house. I just came out of the bathroom to check and I saw the tall woman, the bitch, and one of the bigger girls get into the car, but I assume this girl’s sister and the freeloaders were in the car too. They just took off somewhere.

My guess is that this tall thing is the bitch’s sister and that the two girls are nieces of the bitch that I was supposed to have ordered not to play around here.

Anyway, the nurse took me into an exam room, took my blood pressure, and asked a few basic questions, assuring me the doctor was really nice.

Then the doctor herself came in to get me to bring me into her office to ask me some questions.

The doctor was friendly, and in her mid to late 40s, I’d guess. She had short blond hair and was of average weight.

She asked me how often we had sex. I told her once or twice a week. I told her of my ear when she asked if I’d had any surgeries. She asked when I got my first period and I told her I was about 10. I told her for nearly 3 years when I was in my teens I didn’t get a period. She asked if I was ever told why, and I said no, but I had my theories that it was maybe related to medications. I also hadn’t been eating well back then.

I told her I wanted to see her cuz of the DES, how Cigna got several bloody cultures, and that I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten pregnant.

She asked if I were ever involved in any violent sex acts, or if I’d ever had any sexual diseases. She asked if I were married and if I worked.

She said she’d love to meet Tom after I said I wanted to bring him in next time.

I forgot to mention the atypia that Cigna said I had, but if it’s any big deal, they’ll find it and tell me what to do about it.

She asked when my last period was and when my last exam was, and I mentioned the screwy periods. She said it could very well be normal. Especially since after the spotting, my period’s light and doesn’t last long.

We were wrong in thinking that if my uterus was shaped funny an ultrasound could see it. She said it can’t and therefore, I have to have a test that’ll see its shape because from what I gather, the shape of the uterus can complicate getting pregnant. That was Evie’s case till I came into the picture and she got pregnant.

She said she’s known DES people who have had no problems getting pregnant, but the 3 problems some DES people have are conceiving, suffering miscarriages (something about ruptured membranes which I don’t quite get), and cervical cancer.

She seemed so sure of my situation, though, and once used the words “when we get you pregnant” in one of her sentences to me. She sounded too sure, if you ask me, even though I had no bad vibes of any kind.

She said I could use Vagisil or something that you put in your bath (I forgot the name of it) if I get any irritation around the opening.

Unexpectedly, she recommends kidney testing saying it’s important. The ears and kidneys form at the same time.

I thought I’d have to call Dr. Brown and ask to be able to see Dr. Wells again and do whatever she recommended, but nope, they know each other and I don’t have to do a thing. They’re gonna take care of getting things approved by Dr. Brown. In a week, I’m to call Vicki, a woman who works in the office, about going for the kidney/uterus tests. If I haven’t heard from the nurse in two weeks, I’m to call for my pap results.

After the doctor and I talked, she took me back to the exam room where she listened to my lungs, which she said sounded good. That’s a first. She listened to my heart too, which she said was beating a mile a minute. Really? I felt calm, though.

She said what she could see from the outside of me looked good after she checked my tits.

For the first time, I didn’t ask for the smallest speculum. The exam is still uncomfortable, but it was easy compared to before I knew Tom. I had cramps for a little while and some bleeding afterward.

After getting the kidneys/uterus tests, Tom and I will meet with her for a 1-hour consultation.

She said there was something (that I can’t remember) that was supposed to be visible on some DES people around their cervixes but I didn’t have it. That’s good, I guess.

I fixed my ear, I’m fixing my teeth, so I may as well fix my plumbing if I can! I still don’t see a child in my cards whether I wanted that or not, but whatever’s meant to be will be and whatever’s not, won’t be. I’m just gonna try to keep my mind and doors open to different possibilities. I know I’ll feel much better if I understand more about why my body is as it is and if I know what my options are.

I said something to Tom about wishing I’d gone earlier in our marriage, knowing I was sterile, and knowing I wanted a kid very much back then, but he suggested that it may have put too much stress on the relationship back then. He doesn’t feel stressed out by it now, though. Well, we’ll never know what would’ve happened if we’d gone in 1994-1996, but I think our love was strong enough then to endure it, even stronger now, and as Tom said, these things keep progressing with time. He’s right. Each day that passes, I love him more and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Well, let’s just put it this way. If we were meant to have gone earlier, we’d have gone. If we weren’t meant to go now, we wouldn’t have. However, that doesn’t mean that just because I now have a good vibe and just cuz today went smoothly, God’s not gonna step in and block us later on. We’ll just have to see. I’ll be damned if I’ll fight and struggle for something I’m not meant to do, though, and have to pay the consequences for “disobeying” God. If he starts throwing hurdles at us, I’m calling it quits. I’ll just carry on with my curiosities. I’d rather not, but if I’m not meant to have any answers, I won’t.

Later…

Thank God they don’t predict rain for the week, cuz the roof’s not likely to be done till Wednesday. They went as far as Friday saying there’d be no rain. Thank you, God!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1998 I’m just one day away from my appointment, but I’m not nervous. I should be, though, I suppose, since most people are when it comes to seeing new doctors. I told God, “I’m confused. I don’t know what you want from me. Do you want me to get tested? Should I get tested? Show me the way.” I believe he will. The more something’s meant to be, the more the way is paved for you with fewer obstacles. If it’s not meant to be, you’ll be blocked. Maybe make sure that Tom doesn’t cooperate like he said he would? Cuz that’d end it all right then and there as far as testing goes. I’ll quit right then and there. I’m going to this doctor to deal with why I’m sterile. Not why he won’t cum.

I keep saying my appointment with Melanie is on the 29th, but in truth, it’s on the 30th.

Tom said they only made one quick run across the street yesterday. Well, that explains why I haven’t heard the dog. It’s not here yet. He said he saw them today, too, but again, they obviously aren’t gonna be all moved in today either, cuz I don’t hear no dog. If they don’t have a dog, I guarantee you they’ll be getting one within a month. I don’t have a bad vibe about them, and things always quiet down as I get close to making a move, but 9 out of 10 houses have dogs, so why not?

I wonder what God will compensate me with when we move. There’ll be no noise/neighbors to stress out over, and he won’t replace neighborly noise with child noise since he knows I can’t handle that, so what will he do? Give me health problems? Time will tell.

At around 9:30 this morning, the cock was on the street. Why would he only park in the driveway that one Sunday only? Maybe cuz he was too lazy to haul laundry to the street, and maybe cuz it knew it’d be here all day and coming and going a lot.

I was amazed to weigh 115 pounds yesterday at the end of my day and after being stuck for two days. I woke up at 113 pounds, though, and took a dump.

I forgot to mention a couple of other things about Andy. He went into the studio where Stevie does her recording and offered to clean the place which was trashed. He found a tape that said Stevie soundboard something and he stole it. He said the quality of it was great and sounded better than any CD he’d ever heard. So now he’s trying to get a job volunteering to clean in there so he can see her work.

Another thing he said that I got a kick out of was, “If I have AIDS, I won’t let anyone else touch me, but I’m gonna be the biggest slut I’ve always fantasized about being.”

Later…

No freeloader shit. Like I said, they’re gonna wait till he’s done before they let us have it right back. All I saw was that light blue car and a tall, skinny, black lady with a cap on getting into the car and leaving. Never have I seen a white person visit them. They’re not good enough for most of them to be visiting anyway, even if most people are assholes, no matter what the color.

There is one thing I do dread about tomorrow. Not the appointment itself or the doctor, but all the waiting I’ll have to do. I know this waiting room is gonna be the opposite of Melanie’s. It’s gonna be filled with pregnant teens that’ll piss me off and tons of screaming kids, and I’ll have to wait for a half-hour or more till seeing the doctor. I’m not looking forward to that at all, so I’ll take a puzzle book since I won’t be able to concentrate on reading.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1998 What a stupid thing to do. Yesterday I was stuck and I took a water pill cuz I felt all bloated and watery, but the day after taking a water pill I can’t shit. So now I have to be stuck two days in a row, whereas I probably could’ve shit today if I didn’t take the water pill yesterday.

Another stupid thing to do was to tell Andy in a message I left him to wait till we can talk live next week before he calls since it’ll just be a busy weekend around here as usual. Sure enough, what’s he do? He goes and calls anyway. Must he go and call just so he can say he went and did the opposite of what I told him? Why are people so obsessed with doing the opposite?

Later…

It looks like Mary may care about Tom’s roofing adventures. She called and left a message while I was talking to Andy, which I’ll get into later, and said she was just checking to see how he was, call when he gets a minute.

What do you really want Mary? What do you really want? Computer work? Car work? Plumbing? Stuff your own husband could and should learn to do for you if he wasn’t so lazy?

As for the roof - the old roof is all stripped off now and now Tom’s hammering the new shingles on. Something the freeloaders can hear loud and clear. I’ll bet you anything that next weekend, or the weekend after, I’ll be hearing from them for this, but fuck them. We needed a new roof and if they can’t handle that, they’ll get theirs for it.

El Cocko was parked on the street at 9:30 this morning, Tom told me. All I saw when I went to look out front was him in a red sports shirt and a backward cap leaning in the front seat of the car. Then he went back to the house. Then a few minutes later he got in the car and left. I don’t think anyone was with him. Mistake could’ve been, but I don’t know for sure.

Why was he parked in the street on a Saturday, though? Maybe the city only takes off Sundays when dealing with their subsidized houses and checking up on them. Now that they know this bitch’s broken at least two rules (cock/dog) they’ll be keeping a closer eye on her.

Tom and I talked about hiring someone to come in and clean up all the nails and roof bits that are all over the sides of the house, but that’d take money away from paying bills. Also, they’d probably do a half-assed job.

Now I’ll get into what’s going on with Andy. Well, he’s really miserable again. God, he’s so much like I used to be. Just an occasional bout of happiness, then it’s the same old, same old again. Will he ever get out of the rut he’s been in?

Anyway, after I saw him leave two calls in a row with his name showing, I picked up knowing something was wrong and that he needed to bitch. I told him to show his name when it’s urgent.

He hasn’t broken down and gotten stoned yet, but he bought some weed since he feels it’s inevitable that he’ll break down sooner or later. He also said that it’s a really good kind of weed that only comes around for a short time every handful of years. I didn’t know there were different kinds of weed.

Tom and I were wondering how he could manage to get time off to go to California when he just started a new job. So I asked Andy about it today and he told me that with temp agencies, you work when you want and make your own schedule. All you have to do is give a week’s notice.

The plan was that Laura would take Andy’s car to New Mexico to spend Thanksgiving with her family. Then Michelle’s mom and boyfriend would drive to San Diego on the 22nd and go to the boyfriend’s family’s house. The next day Michelle and Andy would go there in Michelle’s car. They’d stay in San Diego for two days, then go up to L.A. for a day, then home. Now Andy’s pissed cuz he cleared time off from both the temp agency and Red Lobster to go, but he may not be going after all. Michelle’s car got broken into. They broke windows and stole her CD player. So, who knows if he’s going?

The thing about it is that he doesn’t have to worry about clearing time from the temp agency after all cuz he no longer has that job. Just a part-time job at Red Lobster for pitiful money.

Andy says he’s so pissed at himself and wonders when he’s gonna learn to keep his mouth shut. Yup, you got it. Andy got fired for talking too much yet again! He admits to his big mouth, but once again, God and society’s double standards really piss him off. It’s OK for the girl to his left to talk about her suicide attempts, and it’s OK for the girl to the right to talk about how miserable her kids and husband make her, but when the gay guy speaks up, it’s not acceptable!

So he went off on his boss about it and left a picture of a guy in boxers on his desk that he tore out of a Rolling Stone magazine he was reading. Then he called for a second chance and was told by the woman he talked to that she heard he left a picture of a naked guy on his desk. So that pissed him off cuz the guy in the picture was not naked. Then he says, “See? When people don’t like you or are mad at you, they twist the truth, exaggerate, and get into all-out lying.” Yes, I know very well. I’ve seen Dureen, Art, Larry, Tammy, and many others do this.

Then he goes to this other agency and gets told that there’s nothing available when he knows there is. He thought about it and thought about it, then realized he looked like an IV user cuz of the blood test they did to check for AIDS which left a black and blue mark on his arm.

Yeah, I guess Marla, who’s been super busy, talked him into getting an AIDS test. He’s got to wait till around my birthday for the results and he’s terrified. He said he had a dream that the test was positive, and he couldn’t believe it. Andy always practiced safe sex until Quinn. With Quinn, he wouldn’t use rubbers cuz he hates them. He’s pissed at himself not only for opening his mouth at work but for having unsafe sex and giving in to anal sex like he swore he never would. He said he let Quinn cum up his ass. The most dangerous thing to do, and that the bible says is a sin. I reminded Andy not to jump the gun, though, and assume the test is positive. Also, don’t believe everything you read. I could write a book saying being tall is a sin, but that doesn’t make me right. I told him what’s done is done and I don’t think any kind of sex is a sin as long as those involved are of age and willing.

Later…

A white car just came in and honked, but it’s a different one. Not the one with the thick black trim. It’s been 5 minutes, but no one’s gotten out of that car. What? Did it pull in, honk, then go up to the door? It couldn’t have just gone up to the door? What was that honk saying? Was it saying something like, “Yeah, I hear you with all your hammering? But next weekend or the weekend after, you’ll be hearing us.”

Well if I do, they’ll just keep on hearing me and we’ll keep on going back and forth till they either shut up or get evicted.

Tom was on the roof when this car pulled in and he said he heard voices. I didn’t hear them yelling this time around, though.

As I was saying about Andy - he said he’s a very angry man now and that if he finds out he has AIDS, he’s gonna destroy Quinn’s memory by telling everyone he and Quinn were an item (only a few know) and then he’s gonna track down this girl who he believes gave Quinn AIDS, and beat the fuck out of her. See, Quinn was a major druggie and a slut. Andy’s the only guy he made it with, though, except for his brother who molested him. There were rumors saying that a girl Quinn made it with between his time with Andy, had AIDS and didn’t tell Quinn till afterward. In fact, Andy wondered if Quinn killed himself cuz he found out he had AIDS. Quinn was also just plain old miserable and was looking at jail time, too, for the drugs, but only Quinn knew for sure why he did what he did, and as cruel as it may sound, I commend Quinn for killing himself and God for allowing him to do so. This world doesn’t need people like Quinn. I told Andy that having AIDS isn’t a death sentence anymore, although he thinks it is. They have medications for that that’ll sustain his life and they’re on the verge of a cure, too. He can get treatment and therapy for free since he’s poor. Thank God for this, too. He also told me he might ignore me for a while if it’s positive out of shame and all the emotions he’ll have over it. I told him it’s fine to need time alone but to remember he can call me if he needs to talk. I told him to let his name show on the box like he did today if it’s urgent and be anonymous if he’s just calling to say hi.

He’s gonna have to go out for the hundredth time job-hunting, but at least he has the money for next month’s rent set aside, so all he has to come up with is money for bills.

Michelle goes by astrology when predicting things, I go by instinct and the feelings that come to me. Well, according to Andy, Michelle knows her stuff and is always right. One of the things Michelle predicts is that she and David won’t cut it together because Leo and Aquarius don’t mix. Well, I don’t know if that’s the reason, but all the Gemini and Leo women I’ve known are assholes, but I don’t know about guys. Incidentally, Dureen’s a Gemini, and Tammy’s a Leo. Anyway, the reason I don’t see them working out is that Andy’s not meant to have a loving relationship. It’s just not meant to be any more than I was ever meant to be a singer or a mother.

Andy says he still wants to try his best to make the relationship with Dave work out, but there are a couple of things Dave does that really pisses him off. He asks questions, and then when Andy goes to answer, he cuts him off and interrupts constantly. So Andy did it back to him and he got pissed. Andy’s like - how do you like it? Andy also hates how he’s so “Brenda-ish.” He’s possessive and jealous and Andy’s afraid he’ll smother him. As Andy said, though, if he and Dave don’t work out, he can always go live with one of his brothers. It’s not like he knows no one there.

I’ll be sending him an encouraging, inspirational letter sometime soon, cuz I know how much those things really cheer him up.

Later…

Am I going deaf? I can’t complain, but I didn’t hear the white car leave. No doors, no engine, no nothing. That tells me that she didn’t leave in this car since she and her little cock were always the biggest door slammers around here. Well, it is hard to hear over all the hammering.

Tom just tore his second pair of shorts on nails. He’s now wearing one of his two pairs of long denim pants that he wears to work.

He returned Mary’s call and spoke to her and Mom about how the roof was going. Mary didn’t get into it, but they found bad things with the thyroid they took out. She has an appointment coming up and so does Ma. They’re gonna get their own rides, though, cuz I have an appointment on Monday. They didn’t hit him for computer work, but they will when he’s done.

He says Eileen’s probably gonna make up for the little cupcake payment he got for doing the daughter’s computer when he gets around to taking care of hers. Eileen pays him fairly, so that’s good.

It looks like sex will be postponed until next weekend, which is OK with me. Tom brought up something I almost brought up, but I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea and think I was trying to get out of sex. He suggested we don’t screw till after my appointment, so it doesn’t interfere with the pap. Normally I’d say that he was making excuses, but no, this is a great, sensible idea.

Later…

Bill’s here now. What’s he doing here on a Saturday?

Actually, he just left. I know the sound of that car starting up very well now. It’s weird for a Caddy, but it makes a coughing sound as its starter catches. It left without the bitch, so she ought to be home still and listening to all Tom’s hammering.

Later…

The renters are here, and to my utter amazement, they don’t seem to have a dog. Yet. They will soon enough, though. From what Tom could see, it was a couple with a 5-year-old girl. I guess this is good. Then I don’t have to worry about college kids or teenagers banging in and out, or basketball games. They don’t have a hoop over there, but those things can always be bought.

He also says that at the old man’s house on the other corner, there’s a woman and kids living there. The guy’s still there, though, so who knows who these people are? Maybe they were the trailer people and they decided to move in and ditch the trailer. I saw a woman with screaming kids in the street the other day, but if they’re living there, why don’t I hear them? From what I saw, there were 2-3 little ones, and that’s major noise, so why don’t I hear them all day long when I’m up? Maybe because the garage separates our houses, along with the street.

Later…

Tom accidentally cut his finger while cutting paper, so I gave him a Band-Aid.

You have to put down felt paper on the bare wooden roof before you put the shingles down. He’s on the fun, quick, and easy part now. Stapling down the paper. Then he’ll be nailing down the shingles, but the shingles are big, so it won’t need 10,000 nails. He still feels he’ll be done tomorrow, but we may need to keep the dumpster past Monday for our clean-up job. For our cleaning, he’s gonna go look for this magnetic rake they have that’d be great for picking up the millions of nails that are around the house from the three asinine layers that were there.

Later…

Still no mail. Is he late? Or did he give our mail to someone else?

It’s dead quiet at the old man’s house, so maybe the woman and kids were just visiting.

Later…

I guess the bitch did leave in that white car. Tom saw her being dropped off from that car a little while ago.

Tom’s heading to Sears in a little while to pick up some more stuff we’ll need.

I’m just gonna relax and read for the evening.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1998 Woke up at 115 pounds, since I had KFC yesterday and more. I always go back to 115.

Got a letter from Kim, cuz her computer is fucked up. She and Walt are moving into a big duplex house in Northampton. Just what is the story with her and Walt? Did Walt conveniently decide he wants kids just to hang onto Kim? Or is Kim OK with his not wanting kids and willing to give that up?

Anyway, since she sent me a regular letter, I’ll send her one too, using our wedding picture bordering the paper.

I took the four remaining Christmas cards I have and made one out to Mary & Dave, Mom, Steven & Carol, and David & Evie.

I never want a damn thing again to do with Nora, Ray, Ryan, Jackie, Jim, or Pam. The only reason I associate with Mary, Dave, and Mom still is out of respect for Tom. Meanwhile, Steven, Carol, David, and Evie never did anything to us. Neither did Ryan, Ray, or Nora, but I just don’t want to bother with anyone connected to the Jackie, Jim, and Pam clan. I don’t dislike Mary and Dave, although as with Mom, I resent how they’ve used Tom. Mary and I have things in common (rodents/sterility) and Dave’s funny and cool to be around.

Tom got a dumpster extension. They were supposed to get it today, but he’s keeping it till Monday. We thought they’d charge $100 for the overtime, but nope. Just $5 a day.

He says he’ll be done on Sunday, but I don’t know. Then he says we can get on with life. Yeah, for two weeks.

I printed out some more stuff for the freeloaders and their stuff will have to go in two manila envelopes. Not cuz there are too many papers but cuz the pages fit snuggly into the envelopes and leave no room for the wire binder. So I had to trim the edges of the pages to make them fit into the envelope.

Tom says it’s no wonder my lungs still get tight and congested. He said it’s big-time polluted out there. Worse than L.A. He says I should improve when we move. Well, I hope so, cuz yesterday when I was singing, I’d swear I still smoked if I didn’t know any better. And I was wondering again why God ever bothered to give me the voice in the first place if I can’t fully enjoy it. I have to stop and keep clearing my fucking throat. I never would’ve quit smoking if I’d known it’d make me so fat and not help me more than it has, although it does save us money, and since quitting, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, I stopped wishing we could have more sex and stopped wanting a child. Maybe it’s that I’m used to not counting on full-time sex with this guy and maybe it’s just because I know a kid’s not meant to be, but my life truly has improved in other ways since quitting smoking, and I wheeze my ass off, so I won’t complain.

Later…

Tom tore off 3,000 pounds of roofing. When he’s done there’ll be 1,000 pounds of roofing. The stupid idiot males who lived here throughout the years put layers of roofing on. There are three layers. That’s how and why things got so fucked up with it. Women should do more of these kinds of things. They’re smarter. But Tom’s as smart as most women. In fact, I think we’re both smarter than most people, female or male, so we’ll figure it out.

A guy driving by got out and asked Tom if he does roofs. He said only on his own house he does.

He may get promoted to bossing people around instead of bossing work around, which he kind of doesn’t want. He’d rather boss work than people, and he doesn’t want to be locked in for another year like he would be if he got promoted in that way, and he still wants days. These would be 2nd and 3rd shifts. He doubts he’ll get this promotion, though, cuz the others who are eligible have been there longer. But are they as good as he is?

Tom saw both dogs two yards down. He says they’re both collies. Why are their barks different then? He says it’s not just cuz of the chain-link fence that causes them to bark so much, is the house’s location too. They can see all the way down another alley that we couldn’t see from our yard if we had a see-through fence of some kind. The alley’s sort of L-shaped. Well, they’re on the corner of the L. So they can see a lot more to get stirred up over than a dog could in our yard if we didn’t have all block walls. I wonder why it is that we have all block walls, the freeloaders have all block walls (although they have a double gate and not a single gate in the very back by the alley), but these assholes have a chain-link fence in the back. Only their sidewalls are block walls.

I’m doing laundry now and hanging out the heavier stuff since our dryer’s sort of wimpy. The washer’s small and the dryer’s wimpy, but when we move, we’ll have a regular size and strength washer and dryer.

Later…

Bill must’ve gotten called away for something pretty important today. I didn’t hear any of this, except for the honk, but from what Tom could see on the roof, a light blue car dropped the bitch off at 11:00. Then Bill left. Then Bill returned a few minutes later. Then the blue car returned, honked, and the bitch left in it. The blue car’s probably some coworker.

The cock didn’t visit last night.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1998 Another day of Tom stripping the roof. As I predicted, he doesn’t think he’ll be done stripping today. He told me he realized that although he doesn’t want anyone putting the new roof on since they probably wouldn’t do it right, he should’ve at least paid the money to have someone come and strip it and haul the old roof away. Well, it’s too late now. All that hard work and mess and clean-up are on him. I offer to help him with picking up roof bits and nails, but he brushes me off. He said I could help with the stuff at the side of the house, but not for long since the dust isn’t good for me. I have a feeling part of the reason he doesn’t want me working in the front is cuz he worries I might attack the bitch. I wouldn’t do that unless she came on our property or threatened me from hers.

He’s gonna have to keep the dumpster till Monday, rather than Friday.

He said he doesn’t think the back room was added on in the 70s as he originally thought. This whole subdivision was built in 1950. He thinks that the back room’s been there all along and that it was one of those extra things that were optional that people could pay extra for if they wanted.

I had a flash vibe of me being 110 by February. In the past, I’d have been thrilled to know this, but now it kind of worries me. It takes the body about a year to adapt to major changes. It’s been just over a year since I quit smoking and it seems my old metabolism is poking through more and more. Well I awoke at 112½ pounds today, and we’ll just have to see if I lose more weight or not, but if I do, am I gonna have to pay for it in some not-so-cool kind of way? I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that if I had to choose between not wanting a child and being 125 pounds, and wanting one at 100 pounds, I’d take the 125 pounds and the not wanting that. I don’t ever want to return to my days of obsessively dreaming about the impossible. I only want material dreams from here on out cuz I can make material dreams come true in time. If my dream was to find a million dollars in the street, that’d be different, but I’ve never had such a dream like that eat at me year after year day after day and I’m sure I’d have to become a whole different person for me to dream such a far-out dream as that. Even my old dream of becoming a famous singer wasn’t as far out as that would be.

I asked Tom why he didn’t bring up adoption or foster kids. He said that although he disagreed with those judging others by their ages or their pasts, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that adopting would be a problem cuz of his age, and fostering would be a problem cuz of my record. Personally, I never had a desire to adopt or foster, thank God. I guess I’m just one of those who felt that if she wasn’t gonna have her own kid, she didn’t want anybody else’s, but that’s just me. There’s nothing wrong with those who adopt or foster, though, as long as they’re not like the second foster mother I had was. She lied to me and starved me, and her sick friend threatened me and scared the shit out of me. It’s a miracle I got out of there without her beating me to death. Or close to it.

I’m recharging my vibrator batteries now. They’re great cuz it’s like having the same batteries that last and last and last. I used to worry about my sex drive going up in time, too, but since I’d rather take care of my own orgasms, and since I don’t want a child and can’t conceive one anyway, it’s OK if my appetite goes up, cuz I can take care of it myself, and Tom’s busyness and my schedule won’t be a problem if it goes up again like it was a problem the last time it was up.

Speaking of schedules, I went to bed just after midnight again and got up at 8:00. I had to read a good 4 hours or so before going to bed to relax and tire me down. I might sleep later tomorrow though, cuz Tom, who has to get off the roof at 4:00 to sleep 7 hours before going to work, won’t get home till around noon tomorrow.

I should have no problem getting to the doctor’s Monday. It’s Melanie’s appointment a week after that that I question.

I hope we can take a shot at doing those T-shirts soon enough, and also, I’d like to go to the library to see what Ruby books they’ve got and to check out doll-making books. I might want to take their doll-making class someday if I can keep a schedule long enough to do so. I wonder how long and how often the class is? It was something like $50-$60 for the sign language classes and they went 8-10 weeks.

I commented to Tom how I was surprised Bill and Mistake didn’t hang out in the yard more. Tom said that he’s really old so he couldn’t keep up with it, nor would he be likely to even want to hang outside. I’m surprised I don’t hear that animal screaming all day, but I guess they don’t even open their windows over there.

Later…

It’s a bit cloudy out, but there’s no threat of rain over the next 5 days or so, according to the weather channel.

I was out getting my daily dose of color till the headphones began producing static. They’re great, though. No wires, no commercials, then you just charge them back up. No constant need to change dying batteries.

Later…

I was bored shitless for a while there, but I guess I should get into some writing now.

Tom went out and got himself something to eat and I got KFC. I’m making a pot of tea now.

Bill and Mistake were seen by Tom coming and going earlier, but the cock hasn’t shown up today. Yet. I’ll bet he will later. Yes, he was here again yesterday. From 7:00-7:45 last night.

Tom’s opinion is that he found religion and that’s why he’s been quiet even when he’s parked on the street, and he’s coming around more to see the kid. I highly doubt it. I think it’s her he’s coming to see and I think it’ll just be a matter of time before he starts pushing and testing and going back to his old shit whether or not he lives here again. If he does move back in, though, he’s gonna have to park on the street during business hours. However, I’ve already decided the day he moved out last July that we’d never again be neighbors and that’s final. He is not welcomed here, he does not belong here, he is not wanted here, and he cannot live here as far as I’m concerned. Not that the bitch is anymore welcomed, wanted, or a snuggly fit in this neighborhood either, but I can tolerate her existence while we’re still here so long as there’s no shit from her or her friends, cuz if there is, she’s gotta go too.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be wrapping it up soon for the day so he can get some sleep before work.

He said he was surprised his Ma didn’t call to ask how the roof was going.

Maybe she doesn’t care.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1998 Bill’s back today. I’ll bet you that cock won’t come in for lunch today, but we’ll see. I never heard any car doors yesterday picking her up or dropping her off, so I think she was home yesterday. She also had her lawn done just as the sun was setting by a black, a Hispanic, and a tall white dude with long hair. It could’ve been two blacks or two Hispanics, but anyway, the white guy got pissed at either one of the other guys he was working with or someone in the house, but I couldn’t tell for sure from my spying angle. I couldn’t make out anything that was said either. Just “Ay, ay, ay!” as the guy walked from the front of the house where their front door is, into the carport, then into the back.

So, I think she was home and the cock only came in for lunch cuz she was there. I doubt she was home cuz she couldn’t get a ride either, cuz couldn’t the cock have chauffeured her? Maybe she was sick or hurt or something like that. Wouldn’t it be great if yesterday was a case of karma where this bitch who normally adores noise, couldn’t stand to listen to Tom bang around yesterday while she was trying to read, watch TV, or even nap?

Someone was spraying for bugs across the street in the rental yesterday, but you know what? Here I am worrying about potential Mormons, dogs, or rowdy college kids with stereos, but what about the house next door where that cop used to live? It looks like he moved out a while ago, but who’s living there now? Nothing’s changed within that house. It’s still quiet. So did just the cop move out? Or did the whole household move? Are there new people in there now?

Tom said he saw one of the dogs two houses down and said that the reason they bark so much is cuz they got a chain-link fence. Yeah, I know that’s part of it. That’s why I really dread the renters moving in cuz they have a chain-link fence that wraps around to their front, so we can hear their new dog(s) loud and clear. It’d be like it was in its front yard barking and it’s just across the street from us, although anything’s better than just a few feet away. At least it won’t be just outside three of our windows.

Anyway, Tom says he only saw one of the dogs, which was a collie, and says those aren’t guard dogs. Whatever. All I know is that they bark way too fucking much and they’re lucky we’re moving. Real, real, real fucking lucky!

Got up at 8:30 today at 114 pounds. Tom got a late start and didn’t get up on the roof till 10:00 cuz he was picking up my meds and looking for stamps which nobody seems to have.

Tom called in and found out that there’s a number you can call to see if you’ve been dismissed from jury duty. Well, first they postponed him from today to tomorrow, and now they don’t want him in till February 8th.

Later…

OK, this is the third day in a row that that cock has shown up next door and I don’t like it. Both of us never thought he’d be in for lunch today cuz she’s not there. He never comes over when just Bill’s here. Unless she’s in there sick and Bill’s tending to her, which I highly doubt, I worry that he’s on the brink of coming back, although I don’t vibe it. Let him dare to come back, though, cuz he’ll be sorry!

Today and yesterday I’ve been working on getting some color since I’m practically as white as I was when I first came here. Tom came out to tell me they were recarpeting next door and I was like - fuck! Tell the city to come recarpet our house for nothing! Then he came back a few minutes later saying it looked like they were just cleaning their carpet and not replacing it. There’s a white van out there now, but no writing on it. No city emblem or anything.

Later…

Yeah, there is writing on the van. A limb of the tree was blocking it at first, but there’s small writing on the bottom of the driver’s door. All it says is: Operated by Metrolink, Scottsdale, AZ

Cock’s gone now.

Later…

The van was gone when I last checked at 12:45.

Wow! I actually got a little color. Since I have to be on days for the next two weeks, I may as well take advantage of it and sit outside and do my word find puzzles for a while every day. Putting baby oil on really helps, too.

Later…

I just helped Tom put together the wheelbarrow he bought for transporting old bits of roofing that he’s knocked off the side of the house by the freeloaders to the dumpster in front. It’s also a good thing to have anyway.

Fortunately, the dogs let us work in peace. Just Blackie was meowing, as usual.

He believes he’ll be done stripping the old roof off tomorrow. He’s only got the side of the house and by the cooler and AC to do. A little in the back freeloader corner, as I call it. The other is the back street corner.

He says it’ll only take two days to put the new roof on. That means Saturday will be his last workday, which seems a bit doubtful to me. That’s cuz he’s so lousy with estimating time. He’s great at 95% of the things in this world, but not time frames.

I asked him about the cop’s house, and he says he doesn’t know what the story with that house is or who’s there.

I pointed out how I realized recently that I haven’t heard the old man’s dog in a while, and he says it is gone. Even the trailer people are, but that may be because they couldn’t sleep well here. Ha, ha!

I asked Tom if he thought I could maintain 100 pounds as easily as I’m maintaining 115 pounds if I could get there tomorrow. He said that in this day and age, it’d be very hard to do. I asked him if this means that I’ll gain 15 pounds every 10 years or so, but he said that after gaining the weight that people typically gain when they go from young adulthood to middle age, they usually don’t gain more. You tend to lose weight when you’re old, though. Yeah, I figured and sensed that if I were ever 100 pounds again it’d be because I was old. Or very ill.

I contemplated just going through the 4-5 days of starvation to get down to 100 just to settle my curiosity and see if it is as easy to maintain as 115 is, but nah. Too much slavery just to almost be guaranteed to soar right back up here where I am in no time. It’s not natural to be thin at nearly 33 years of age. So, since I’ll never have a child, I should be around where I am throughout my life. I sure hope so, anyway. If I had had a child, I’d be hanging at an average of 140 for the rest of my life. Yuck!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1998 According to Tom, Bill’s not here today. Is his car dead again?

I got a really long email from Evie and in it, she said that since the roof is a big job to do alone, to call if we want help. How can David help? He has a full-time job and two kids. Plus, from what Tom’s said, he doesn’t exactly have the brains for this kind of work.

Between the way I’ve been eating the last couple of days and being stuck, I’ve gained a couple of pounds, so I’m only gonna have a bite today. I don’t want to go over 115 pounds if I can help it.

We went out yesterday to Walgreens and Staples. At Staple’s, we looked at digital cameras and Tom looked for a game, but couldn’t find anything of interest. I got cartoon disks, some color changer/stamper markers, and more iron-on sheets for the T-shirts.

At Walgreens, we were gonna get stamps and a puzzle for me, but we forgot the stamps and their puzzles were boring, so we just got nuts and chips.

Red Lobster called again looking for Andy. Looking for Mark, actually, cuz that’s the name he prefers to use nowadays. Why would they call here? I told the guy he doesn’t live here and he thanked me and hung up. Did Andy ever resolve his problems with those coworkers? He hasn’t left any messages about it, and that call he made on Saturday was his last call to me.

Spot has some kind of growth on her leg. A tumor, I guess, but she doesn’t appear to be in any pain or having trouble getting around despite how big her leg is at the hip area, fortunately.

As figured, the traps caught no mice of any kind either in the back room or the garage.

It’s 32” from the top of my head to my lower ass where the ends of my hair are (the longest ends, anyway). So that means my hair is more than half my height since I’m 59”.

After nagging Tom for months to trim the hedges and tree, I feel bad about it. First of all, he can’t help being so busy and having no time for it, and even if he did have time to do it, he doesn’t want to. He hates that stuff just as much as I hate dusting and vacuuming. So, he shouldn’t be pushed to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

Tom and I talked about taking care of ourselves sexually. I told him I liked vibrators better than my hand and that I thought of women when I’d take care of myself since I don’t need to fantasize about him, cuz he’s not a fantasy. He’s here with me in real life. He said he thinks of nothing in particular but sex when he takes care of himself. So he definitely is taking care of relieving himself as I always believed, but this is good. Better to get off by yourself than in no way at all, and I totally understand. Some of us just prefer to get off by ourselves. It’s easier that way, although his reasons are different than mine. He gets off by himself so he can’t risk impregnating me. I do it cuz he can’t know what I’m feeling. Only I can, and only I know what’s best and how to hit the spot just right that feels best to me. It’s much harder to tell a person how to do you than it is to just do yourself, cuz you know yourself and what feels best to you better than anyone else. It’s too hard to get off when he’s on the side and it takes forever, I can’t get off with him up top, and although to be eaten out is my favorite, that too takes some time because I have to keep on constantly telling him to go down lower, or up higher, or lighter, or harder. So, I may as well just save the orgasms for my own time alone, just like he saves 99% of his for himself to take care of.

So, since having sex with him just doesn’t feel as good as doing it alone, and since there’s no child to conceive motivating me, this is why I’ve come to be glad that he’s got such a low drive himself and that our schedules and busyness don’t allow us to be consistent with the sex. It’s just not something I look forward to doing anymore. I love to be close to him and to spend time with him, but the sexual part of it is not like a chore for me, but just a bore. Just something that I do and something I just go through the motions of doing. Since we both would rather orgasm on our own, I wonder why we even bother at times.

Later…

Thank God we don’t live several houses behind us. I was out brushing my hair and watching Tom, although I couldn’t see much of him since he was now at the front of the house when I heard this dog with an incredibly obnoxious bark. Worse than what the freeloaders had and maybe even slightly worse than the guard dogs, too, but that one’s too close to call. It sounded like the dog that the trailer people had. I still haven’t seen them in ages, by the way, but anyway, it had a whining, shrilly type of bark that’s between a cry and a scream. If that thing were just a few feet away next door, I’d kill those freeloaders for sure for having that right outside my window, then I’d set the dog free. I wouldn’t even wait the time it’d take to have them come out and investigate her having a dog she’s not supposed to have, then demanding she gets rid of it. Thank fucking God for her and for me that she can’t have a dog, cuz some subsidized situations let you have a dog. The NHA lets you have one dog or cat that doesn’t exceed a certain height and length.

If all dogs’ bark were like the one across the street, then they’d be a little easier to live with. The one across the street doesn’t bark much and it has a lower, softer kind of bark. That shrieking thing that I just heard, though, wouldn’t be able to be drowned out by fans if it were just a few feet away. Fortunately, though, it’s far enough away that you can’t hear it in the house.

Later…

The rest of this month is gonna be pretty tough on me. I’ve got the crotch doctor to see on the 23rd and Melanie to see on the 29th. I got up at 8 AM today. It’s too soon between now and the 23rd to flip my schedule, which I couldn’t do anyway with Tom’s working on the roof, and then it’ll be too soon between the 23rd and the 29th to flip it, so I’m gonna have to stay on days for the rest of this month. It’s gonna be soooooo hard.

The freeloader was in for lunch. It parked on the street since it’s not Sunday and the city maybe won’t do a spot check. I commented to Tom that the bitch must be home since Bill was not there and he was coming to have lunch with her, but Tom said he doesn’t think she was home cuz he seems to only come over when she's not here. Yeah, could be. Besides, this bitch knows enough assholes just like herself to give her rides. But why would the cock only come here if she’s not here? If she doesn’t want him around, and it does seem like they’ve been avoiding each other, why doesn’t she get the key back from him? And also, why can’t he go to his own place for lunch? Is it further away from where he works? Doesn’t she feel used by him coming to eat her food for lunch and to use her washer and TV?

Well, at least the black boy is behaving. It’s not slamming doors or banging bass. In fact, I wouldn’t even know it was here if Tom didn’t tell me. He’s the one that saw its car from the roof.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1998 Another day with Tom up on the roof. He said today’s going better than yesterday, but that if it takes till the weekend, fine. He had hoped to be done Tuesday, but since things take longer than expected, it may go till the weekend, but at least no rain is predicted all week.

I asked Tom if some of the roofing stuff will end up in their carport and he said yes, although he’s gonna do all he can to prevent that, naturally. I asked if he thought the bitch would run and try to have us served over it and he said no. She may not do that, but she’ll do something, although Tom disagrees. I’m thinking, though, we might be in for some more calls preaching racial harmony, although they’re gonna have to do that from a phone that they don’t mind us seeing the number to, like a payphone. So, maybe we’ll get some childish go-across-the-street-for-sex letters again.

The cock left right after the football game yesterday at 5:30 and there was no music or barbecue. Caddy kid’s on one of his absences, which is nice, but a spruce green car did bang by once. Other than that, it was a nice weekend, but as we get closer to the next weekend, I’ll be able to vibe whether or not it’ll be their turn to be heard. I know there’s to be a ruckus at least every 4 weekends or so, so we’ll see. They gotta put on some kind of show for me periodically to remind me they’re there.

I never did hear the bitch come in yesterday. Maybe she got in while I was listening to music, or in where the fan was on while reading, or after I’d crashed.

Later…

I was gonna go ahead and do some indexing of my '80s journals when I discovered 20 pages of journal 2 that I didn’t type up. How could I have missed it? Anyway, I typed and added that in.

I was surprised to wake up a pound lighter today when yesterday I had a TV dinner, popcorn, and 4 KFC chicken wings. As Tom said, maybe my body’s adjusting to not smoking. Maybe, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll stay at 115 pounds, give or take a few pounds, for a very long time.

Tom weighed himself too. He’s 213 pounds.

That dark green car just banged by again. It’s not as loud as Caddy Kid, but it still is way too loud. I can hear it long before he goes by the house. I can hear him while he’s still 15-20 houses away.

It looks like Tom’s not gonna be dismissed from jury duty, which won’t help with the roof work, cuz then he’ll have to take a day out of getting the roof done, just to go play court. That is unless he did get a dismissal notice that was delivered to N. 21 Dr.

No wonder this mailman keeps fucking up. I was wondering why he seemed to not give a shit. Why did he want to risk losing his job by being so careless with mail delivery? Well, as Tom pointed out and reminded me, he’s a government employee, practically invincible, and nearly impossible to get fired. So that’s why more mail is going to N. 21 Dr. I figured that he’d get written up and risk losing his job if I complained and that that would make him do his job right, but I was wrong. They don’t get written up. Somebody obviously talked to him, cuz we stopped getting other people’s mail twice a week. But what I didn’t realize at the time, like a stupid idiot, was that that’d only make him give more of our mail away and that’s apparently what he’s doing. I’d love to have a few minutes with this guy out front, but it wouldn’t do me no good. Besides, it won’t be the end of our world if we don’t get some of our mail, since most of it’s just junk and bills. I mean, I still don’t want my catalog I’m expecting to go to someone else, but if I don’t get it, I’ll just keep calling Ashton Drake till the mailman decides to give me one. We’ll have a PO Box when we move, though. Those are the best to have if you want to ensure that you’ll get your mail and your mail only and that others won’t get your mail, either.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1998 The sister in the white car with the thick black trim picked the bitch up at 7:30 this morning.

Tom just went to pick up some more roofing shingles and so far, the project’s going well. Tom feels that the strenuous work is done and now it’s just tedious work from here. He says the bitch’s roof is really nice, but not over the carport and patio. He says that’s put on all wrong.

Tom told me that the guy had originally tried to deliver the dumpster to that lady on N. 21 Dr. and that she said she gets our mail, too. Yeah, I believe it. Fucking prick mailman! I shouldn’t have bothered complaining about him cuz all it did was cause him to cut down on giving us other people’s mail, but not from giving others our mail. If I had a choice, I’d rather get others’ mail than have others get ours. I’m sure he’s been giving a lot more of our mail to her too, since my complaint. People will concentrate more on spiting you and getting back at you, rather than saving their job. He obviously doesn’t care if he loses his job or not. Either that or he doesn’t think he can lose it. Some people think they’re invincible.

Later…

Tom just went on the roof for his first work session of the day. He says to call him down at 11:00 if he’s not down by then. He said he was glad to know that the roof replacement would be less time-consuming and less costly than expected, but that he has to work with this messy black stuff that he hoped he wouldn’t have to.

Still no signs of Tanner. I really believe she got out of the house. Well, if I’m as right as I appear to be and sense I am, I hope she’s enjoying herself out there. Still, I looked to see if I could find duties or chewed paper, but couldn’t find any signs of her around the house.

Later…

The bitch isn’t back yet. She might not be back till 1:00 or 2:00.

I constantly have dreams with Dureen and Art in them. Even before I ditched them I did, but now it bothers me more, for obvious reasons. I closed the chapter of my life that included these people, so I don’t need them in my dreams. And in these dreams, I almost never know Tom. I’m almost always single.

Thursday night it was them taking me out to dinner or to some kind of party.

Friday night I was single, in my own apartment, and dancing again, and I happened to live right near them. So I walked over to their place and you could tell they were still mad at me, but they opened the door and let me in anyway. We really didn’t say much to each other. Marty was there and so was Goldie. Ma sewed something for me. Then after a while, I got up and said, “Maybe I’ll come see you again sometime.”

Last night they left me alone. If they were in any dreams, I don’t recall them.

There was a dream with Tom in it, though. Yeah, a nightmare that woke me up. I was able to go back to sleep after a while, though. We lived in a big 2-story house with a wide front porch. Tom was upstairs. I had the front door open and thought I heard a footstep out there so I went to check. At the same time, I saw the guy standing off to the side of the front door, he saw me. He was in his late teens or early 20s. I don’t know what he wore for clothes, but he had boots on of some kind. He had longish light brown hair that was wavy. He said a couple of things to me during the course of the dream, but I only remember the second thing he said which was, “Looks like you’ve been thinking about me.” I reacted in utter fear and began running to the stairs with this guy following. I called out Tom’s name, but due to my fear, my voice was too soft. I had just hit the bottom steps and called out Tom’s name loud enough when I woke up.

My reaction in this dream, though, was way out of real-life character for me. I was terrified in the dream, but in real life, I’d be way too pissed for any fear. I’d be furious that a stranger was invading my territory, as I’m very protective of my property and stuff after having Dureen and people at the Brattleboro Retreat and Valleyhead fuck with so much of my stuff. Stuff that meant a lot to me. I’d have reacted with an inhumane kind of fury and I’d have probably pounced on the dude whether or not he was armed. I’d take my chances of being killed before I’d just lay down and let someone abuse me or my stuff.

What I wonder is, do they constantly dream about me, too? I highly doubt Dureen, Art or Larry dream of me constantly. I feel like it’s only me that has them intrude upon my waking thoughts and intrude upon my dreams, but I can never know for sure what’s in their thoughts and dreams.

I’m almost back to 115 pounds. As I approach my period, I’ll be more like 117-118. God, my body is so comfortable at 115! I didn’t have to eat much more to get back up here. As is the case half of the time, though, I’m fucking starving right after I just had a TV dinner. I may give myself a break today and eat whenever I’m hungry. I can’t do that all the time like I used to, though, or else I’ll be 200 pounds eventually.

Tom surprised me last night by telling me he wanted sex this morning. I didn’t think we’d get around to that till next weekend. I’m around mid-cycle, and I couldn’t believe it, but he not only didn’t use the bathroom before sex, I thought he was gonna cum, too. Unless he was acting, he was close. I thought his excuse was gonna be that he was too horny. The most ridiculous one of them all. That’s like saying you’re too thirsty to take a drink. It was that he was too sore from yesterday’s hard work, which very well could’ve been the truth. Yeah, I think he was telling the truth. Lately, he seems to be making a point of letting me know it when he doesn’t cum. As if the guilt of keeping quiet and letting me “think” he’s cumming regularly is setting in.

Those that can get hard can cum. It’s those that can’t get hard to begin with that can’t cum. Nonetheless, he seems content and happy and that’s what counts.

Later…

I absolutely don’t believe it. The cock’s actually parked in the driveway! I haven’t heard any music yet, but I don’t like this being in the driveway deal. It is the weekend, though, so the city’s not gonna check up on that house, but since I knew they’d kiss and make up eventually, does this mean he’s moving back? He’s out of here if he even thinks for a minute he’s moving back here, cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll go back to listening to his music or his constant door-slamming that went on 6 times a day for 5 minutes each. It ain’t gonna happen, Mike, so don’t even think of it. You come back here, you’re outa here! And I’m gonna go even further than eviction, I’m gonna lay his ass right out front here if he goes back to his old shit, so help me God! I’ll do it right in front of any kids that may be over there too, and show them just what happens to naughty freeloaders who don’t give a fuck about others and who harass and provoke people that never did shit to them in the first place. Cock, you better be just visiting or your ass is mine! It’s fucking mine for once and for all like it should’ve been nearly 3 years ago.

I wish this bitch and that nothing piece of shit she’s with would break the fuck up and stay that way like 98% of the couples in this world do, but fat chance. They’ll probably be together on and off forever. And even if she had someone new tomorrow, it’d be just like this little fuck. A bitch like that that’s that selfish and rude could only get someone just as selfish and rude.

The cock isn’t seeing its freeloader during the week too much these days, so it’s my wishful thinking that he’s here just to see the kid. I know better, though. It’s her he wants to see. Probably wants to get laid.

Later…

When Tom came down to take a break, I asked him if he heard the cock bang in, since it’s hard to tell the difference with all the banging he’s making from up there. He said he didn’t hear a sound and didn’t even see his car there. I asked him if he thought the cock was moving in and he said no. Also, I asked if he thought they could hear it in their house through their double-paned windows and he said not a lot. It’s all the hammering that’s to begin on Monday and Tuesday that’ll be heard as he goes to put on the new shingles. But then that bitch won’t be there to hear it. Bill will be, but I ain’t got nothing against him. He never did me any wrong.

Anyway, Tom said he’s 100% sure that there’s no way rainwater, no matter how hard it rains, will get into the house when he’s done.

Later…

Tom came down for a break a while ago, and a half-hour ago, the cock left. All he heard from the living room was a car door, but no engine. I, who was in the kitchen, heard nothing. Then it came back a few minutes later and neither of us heard it. Tom guessed that he was here watching football and doing its laundry since there was male clothing on the line out back. They only have a washer in their washroom. No dryer. The cock probably lives in an apartment complex and if it has laundry rooms, good luck getting a machine on a weekend. When I lived at the Vista, I never did my laundry on weekends.

Another reason why we could be so blessed to get all the way into mid-November without any ball games is cuz the basketball people are now on strike. Although this doesn’t stop a sick bitch from sending kids she knows to take over next weekend in the noise department and give us back a taste of our own medicine with the banging and thumping. Nor would it stop the little girl who’s about 10 and lives at the guard dog’s house from playing. She wouldn’t care whether or not there was a strike.

Later…

Eileen wants more computer work. Of course she does. The house is sold. Oh, how I get the urge to call her back and say, “Look. There’s no time for him to work for you for cupcakes. We have too much of our own work to do, so buzz off!”

The bitch should be in any sec now, but the wuss puss just left and it wasn’t alone. Some other guy was with him and one of them did have a bag that could’ve had clothes in it.

Yeah, he never would’ve come and gone this quietly if it weren’t for the city letters. At least I don’t think he would and I doubt he got a sudden trait of consideration, either.

Later…

Tom just came down for a break and says there are still clothes on the line. Maybe they belong to the teenage boy that supposedly still lives there. Or maybe the cock and whoever was with it is gonna return later for them.

I set up a trap in the back room, but both of us think Tanner got outside. Tomorrow I’ll set up a trap in the garage. If it’s triggered, I’ll have to open the trap up outside slowly in case it’s not Tanner, cuz Tanner will just sit there, but a wild mouse will come shooting out of that thing.

Later…

Cock’s back. I really, really hope that this hanging out here on weekends is gonna be a rare thing. His presence really bugs me. The more he comes around, the more likely he is to stay here. This is a pattern I’ve noticed before. I will get him out of here if he does move back. No doubt about it. But it’s a fucking hassle. Just another hassle in my life that I don’t need and would rather not have to deal with. Maybe they’ll get into a fight again soon enough. They always do. Anyway, I’m sure he’s got a few more trips to make before he leaves for the night. I remember his weekends here oh so well. He’d come and go at least 6 times a day.

Cleaning up after the roof is all done is gonna be a bitch! There are nails and bits of roofing all around the sides of the house, and when he just went to dump the solar panel into the dumpster, glass shattered all over. What a fucking bitch it’ll be cleaning that up!

Later…

The fluorescent kitchen light just died. Great. Just what we need.

Tom’s calling it quits for the day. As I knew it would, it’s taking him longer than he planned. Also, he thought today’s work would be easier than yesterday’s, but nope. That’s not what he says now. My biggest question is, will it rain on him and ruin what he’s done and flood our house? They say clouds won’t be rolling in till Tuesday, which is a typical day for clouds to come in. If it’s gonna rain, it usually rains on Mondays or Tuesdays. Some weekday, anyway. Even if it’s clear until Wednesday, what if the job takes him a week longer than he expected? He always overestimates things.

Later…

The bitch isn’t back yet and the cock’s still here. If the bitch came back while we were out getting KFC and Arby’s, I wouldn’t know it, but I’ll know it if she comes in while we’re here by the door slamming and possible yelling I’ll hear. Tom thinks the cock knew she had somewhere to go all day and planned on coming over to do laundry and watch football.

Tom said he saw the cock come in with food bags, so there might be a barbecue. They can do anything they want, they just can’t pummel my house with their bass, nor can they bang and thump for hours a few feet away from my house with a basketball.

Tom said that at least 3 houses were playing loud music, but I didn’t hear a thing. He said the people across the street had music going while they were cleaning up the place for the renters. He said he could hear people cheering on the Minnesota Vikings down the street and then the lady came out of the music people’s house where the band used to piss me the fuck off, and she yelled, “I hate the Minnesota Vikings!”

Blackie doesn’t want to come in to eat and meow. He just wants to meow outside.

It’s a hot one out there today! It’s close to 90º.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1998 Apparently, they rented the house across the street. They’re moving out right now. There’s a big moving truck out there now. Well, I’ll know as soon as the renters get here by all the barking I’ll hear. I know it won’t do me any good, but they’ll be getting a letter from me about it and more. Speaking of barking, I thought it was a pretty quiet day for barking yesterday when Tom did a little work on the roof, but he said that wasn’t the case. He said 6-8 dogs in the area were going off, but I guess that the noise from the air cleaner drowned that out.

The big dumpster came yesterday. It’s 22’ long and is almost my height. After the roofing stuff is in it, we’re gonna use this as an opportunity to ditch some big bulky stuff we don’t want, and I’d love to see that tree in front trimmed once and for all, but I won’t count on it. I just can’t get Tom to keep up on the yard work, but hopefully, I won’t have more than 8 more months of pushing him to mow and trim hedges and trees.

We made a schedule of work times for him today and breaks. At 9:00 he began working and I’ll call him down for a break at 10:45. Then he’ll go up there again at 11:00-12:45, then from 1:15-3:00, and 3:00-5:00. I was wrong in assuming he’s doing just the back room and garage area. He’s replacing the whole entire roof. He said we’re very lucky it didn’t leak in all the rooms since the roof is in horrible condition.

Later…

I was just outside and I didn’t hear any dogs, amazingly, since it is the weekend after all. It’s early still. I wish I could know that that bitch is trying to sleep in and can’t! But mothers don’t get to sleep in, and even if this one could, it’d sleep like a log. It’d sleep right through it with my luck.

Miss Bitch is gonna be awfully confused when she sees not only strange pictures in her little package but also a key. Tom had me ditch his ma’s old house keys and I stuck one of them into the bitch’s manila envelope. Every now and then I mix in senseless mumbo jumbo, of course, and I wrote something about enclosing the key to my heart and the key to my house.

I woke up at 112 pounds today. Wow. And I had at least 1400 calories yesterday.

Thank you, God, that due to him having a cold, then having this project with the roof, I’m not into sex with him anymore or wanting to hopelessly try for a kid. We haven’t had sex in a while and it’ll certainly be a while before we do, but my love for this man just isn’t sexual. It’s all emotional. So, it’s due to how I’ve become that makes the part-time, intermittent sex tolerable.

Here’s Andy’s first of what I’m sure will be many calls to come. If he’s gonna be a pest I’ll just ignore him. He needs to take care of his own problems over the weekend. I’ve got too much shit to do helping Tom, doing laundry, etc.

Later…

Well, he didn’t leave a message, but he let his name show up on the box, which means he was really hoping I’d see it was him and pick up, but can’t he wait and talk to me once a week? He’s such a pest!

Later…

An hour and 45 minutes is too long for him to be working up there, so we’ve cut down his time up there and lengthened his breaks.

He said he heard music coming from a house across the street that was about 3 houses away, but I didn’t hear anything. He also said one of the movers across the street asked him if he was having fun, but I didn’t hear that either. I can’t believe how quiet they’ve been across the street, but with Tom’s working, which sounds like people are basing by, it makes no difference.

Wait till I tell him Tanner’s missing. I don’t know if I lost her today when I changed the cages, or sometime earlier, but she’s gone. I prayed to God to let me find her, but as usual, I was ignored.

The moving truck’s gone, but there’s a pickup full of stuff out there still.

God, don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had around here with dogs and kids, please! It’s true, though, that this is the longest stretch of peacetime around here. Ever since the cock left last July, with just an occasional ruckus since. A couple of bouts of music, some door-slamming, some voices, and that’s it. The only real constant nuisance around here is the guard dogs.

Later…

Tom took a break for an hour and went back to work a little while ago. I’ll be calling him down for another break at 2:30.

So far, no freeloaders have felt obligated to join in the ruckus Tom’s making, but if they don’t this weekend, they may very well take next weekend as their weekend to be heard. They wouldn’t want to be left out, I’m sure.

It’s been a very quiet move across the street. It wouldn’t have woken me up if I were asleep.

I’m surprised the pest hasn’t called again. Unfortunately, he’s got weekends off. The time I want to be bothered the least. He can’t sit at home and entertain himself. As he admits, he has no hobbies and hates to do things. All he likes is TV, music, pot and the phone. Food, too, but since he’s off the pot at this time, it’s food, phone, TV and music, but that’s not enough for him. It drives him up the wall to just be alone and listen to music or watch TV and he’s only got so much money to put into food. He’s got to talk to people cuz he’s lonely. The phone is his number one thing.

Tom’s not making too, too much noise, although he’s still at the back of the house. Let’s just say that the freeloaders may not hear him as well as I’d like for them to hear him. Remember, they also have double-paned windows.

I can concentrate just fine throughout Tom’s bopping around up there. I can tune it out and do what I’m doing with it being background noise just like a fan would be. I’m aware of it. Meaning, I know he’s up there banging around, but I can still carry on and do my thing. That’s the difference between some asshole out there that is deliberately trying to piss you off, and him.

I’m still not sure whether I lost Tanner today or earlier, but I have a very strong feeling I’ll never see her again and that she got out of the house. Part of being a rodent owner/breeder, though, is that they come and go constantly since they don’t live very long to begin with. Even though I’m used to not having pets for too long and am used to a lot of different pets coming and going, she will be missed.

Later…

Tom just came down and reported a white car came to get the bitch. Yeah, the sister usually gets her at this time of day on Saturdays. She’ll either be back in a couple of hours or late tonight.

Since I’m not walking anymore, I’m forced to do stomach crunches again for the sake of my lower back. That lower back pain’s back again where it feels like my spine’s being pulled apart. I didn’t realize walking was helping my back, but it obviously was. At first I was pissed about it since these exercises don’t do shit to flatten or firm my stomach, but at least they do help my back, so it’s not like I’m getting absolutely nothing out of doing them and they only take a few minutes to do.

This battery charger is really cool. I slip in the 3 batteries that go in my vibrator, and a red light lights up next to each battery. You know they’re recharged when the lights go out.

Tom thinks Tanner can get up the step that’s in between the back room and the rest of the house, but I don’t know. It seems a little high for such a mellow mouse. I’m surprised that of all the mice, it was Tanner who escaped. If anyone would get away, I’d think it’d be Bandit.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1998 Woke up at 113 pounds. Andy’s being a pest again, but it’s OK. I’d want someone to be there for me if I were in his shoes. He’s basically just tired and totally worn out, even though he loves being so busy. Keeps his mind off of pot and loneliness. He’s also fed up with a couple of people at Red Lobster. Why doesn’t he just quit Red Lobster? Isn’t his job of refilling meds enough to support him so long as he stays clean? Anyway, he’s to be calling me soon to bitch about it.

I saw Tom for a minute when I got up. He was just on his way out the door and he told me he left a message for me. In his message, he said he was 1000% better. This was a fairly easy cold for him, which looks like I’m gonna be very lucky to escape catching. If I had just looked at him from a distance when he had a cold from 1989-1992, I’d have caught it.

He also said that there’s a good chance the dumpster will be delivered before he gets home, so if I want to, but it’s up to me, I can tell them to put it in the front driveway (he’ll park in the back driveway, and it’s a good thing we’re on the corner) and give them the check that’s on the fridge. Yes, I can competently handle that.

At first I thought, what kind of shit will our rude neighborhood kids throw in it? But it’s a dumpster. They can throw whatever shit they want in it.

It’s only been 2½ hours since I ate, and I am fucking starving! Doesn’t my stomach know it was so recently fed? Anyway, I’m having tea and coffee to put something in my stomach, but I don’t want to eat again till around 9:00 if I can help it. I try to eat just three times a day. When I get up, then 5 or 6 hours later, then for the last time 5 or 6 hours later. It seems that whenever I drop below 115 pounds, I get so damn hungry. My body just can’t take it anymore being under 115 pounds, but that’s OK, I’ll be back to 115 soon enough. I believe I’ll be 115 for a long time. Like many years.

After critiquing myself in the mirror, I’m still fortunate enough to have a nice ass. It’s gone soft and it’s cratered, but it’s small and it’s not sagging. My hips have gone down, but my stomach and thighs would still be disproportionately huge even if I were 90 pounds. I feel the same about this face. What happened to this face?! It’s bigger now at 113 pounds than it was when I was in the 130s years ago. Guess part of it is age.

Later…

Wow. That was quiet for the freeloaders. There are usually at least 4-5 door slams and some talking or yelling when they all leave in the morning, but this morning, all I heard was one soft car door, then the engine started up. Bill and Mistake will be back shortly, which is no big deal. I mean, there’s not a lot of door-slamming. Nothing could be as bad as the slamming I’d get from that cock when it’d park deep in the carport. Oh, God! I wanted to go out there and slam his head sooooo fucking bad! I almost did, too. Several times.

Speaking of slamming heads, I may have to do so for Andy’s sake, but I hope he can solve his own problems, so I don’t have to have the hassle of doing it for him. I’m sure he’ll take care of it himself. He always finds a way to. If my kicking ass is the only way to help him, I will, even though God will make me pay dearly for it. A couple of guys at work are saying mean, cruel, hurtful things to him. These guys are gay, so it’s not like they’re gay-bashing Andy. They’re just telling him he’s so ugly and jealous, petty, childish shit like that. Andy isn’t as intimidating and as aggressive as I can be, so to these guys, that’s an invitation to keep on doing what they’re doing. As I’ve learned, sometimes kicking ass is the only way to get someone off of someone’s case, so let’s just let them hope I don’t have to deal with them, cuz if I do, they certainly won’t be bothering Andy anymore.

It’s funny to hear him, though, cuz he talks to me just like I talk to Tom. He goes from subject to subject real fast and on and on and on, and most of the things he tells me are things he’s told me a million times already.

He told me about talking to Marla, other family members, Stevie Nick’s parents, and so much more. Then he thanked me for being there for him and for being such a dedicated friend.

He was telling me he doesn’t want conflict with people nowadays. He just wants to live life in peace. We were talking about karma, too, and how what goes around really does come around. At least it does for us, anyway.

Andy’s life may have changed very little in the last decade, but he’s become a better person in a lot of ways. Before, all Andy wanted to do was pick fights, cut people down, and he basically had no empathy whatsoever for others who were depressed or having problems of some kind.

Speaking of Marla, I’ve gone and left one more message (this is the second in several months) saying: Hi, I’m glad Andy’s pot-free and happier, we’re fine, hope you are too.

If I don’t get a reply, I won’t ever bother with her again, but if she’s got a problem with me, it’s too bad she can’t come out and say so. I don’t see how she could have a problem with me, though. I haven’t done anything wrong to her or anyone she knows, so I guess she’s just busy. She is a mom and she works too, and doesn’t really have a life. However, if she doesn’t want to contact me for any reason, that’s her choice and her right, and I don’t want to have contact with anyone who doesn’t want contact with me.

Anyway, Andy said he really wants to stick out Red Lobster. He’s there part-time, and he’s with the pharmaceutical company full-time. He doesn’t want to run from his problems, and he needs the extra money. It’s an easy job for $100 a week. He’s really quite fed up with restaurant work, though, cuz it’s so much like being in high school with all the gossip and cliques and people pitting people against others. Yeah, I know all about it. Knowing Dureen, Art, and their son, sister, brother-in-law, and others was like being in high school all in itself.

Thanksgiving is on the 26th. So, what will Miss Bitch and her sick associates do? Will it be like last Easter? Or will she and her wussy pussy boy toy take off somewhere? Although, they ain’t getting along very well right now from what I know. She still has her sick cronies that are just as low as she is, so since people that are assholes usually get along just fine with other assholes, they should have no trouble getting together somewhere. God, I’d have to hate myself and have absolutely no self-respect whatsoever to hang with that black bitch. I know that type of person and the types of people that hang with people like that. The bitch loves to shit on her friends and they love to shit right back on her. Not only do they love shitting on each other, but they love to get shit on by each other just as much. It’s sick. It really is!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1998 Well, I guess Bill’s back in the swing of things and so is the bitch. Just a few minutes ago I heard yelling between a female and a male, which I thought was the bitch and cock, but nope. The male, who I could barely hear over the bitch, was Bill. And since the cock’s obviously pissed off at its bitch at the moment, Bill looks like he’s taking the bitch off this morning. First the bitch loads up its animal, then they all leave, and Bill returns with the animal till they go get the bitch at the end of the day. I just saw the bitch slam one of the doors in a very angry fashion. Is this bitch ever happy? I’ll bet most of her fits and yelling are in regard to me. Yes, she’s naturally a hell of a mean, aggressive, boisterous, selfish, rude bitch, who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself, but I’m sure some of the yelling is in the hopes of me hearing it and being woken up by it. Well, take my word for it, you scrawny little sack of bones, if you were waking me up, you’d be outa here flat on your ass before you even knew what hit you! Your eviction is just a phone call away if that’s what it ever came down to, you little witch bitch!

It’s really too damn bad this bitch loves noise, cuz with the roofing adventure that’s about to come down, the whole block’s gonna be hearing it get torn up and replaced.

My ear is blocked. The good one, I mean. It seems that since getting the bad one fixed, the good ear’s giving me problems, but as a rule, most of us must be compensated like I’ve said a million times. I put some ear wax removal, some alcohol, and some peroxide in it, but it isn’t loosening up whatever’s stuck down there, so I’ll just let it work itself out in its own time.

Tom’s at the end of his cold now, which I’ve been fortunate not to catch. He’s mainly left with a bad cough.

Tom’s using the same dumpster service he used when he ordered a dumpster to clean out Ma’s house, and he’s having a dumpster delivered here between noon-3:00 tomorrow. This weekend’s when he’ll be tearing the old roof off, then Monday-Wednesday is when the new one goes on. The crucial part as far as rain goes is when he’s stripping the old roof and there’s nothing at all there to keep the rain out, but since it rarely rains on the weekends, he should be in luck and I hope God’s on our side and will help us help ourselves.

I don’t know if all the racket will draw the kid into ball games or what, but we’ll see. I wonder if they’ll think we’ve moved and that the city bought our house when they see the dumpster?

Andy called to let me know he’s so happy in life now and loves his new job. Whenever he’d get customers complaining of him being rude at restaurants, he’d get fired for it, but now, all he has to do is turn them over to customer service. His job is to refill medications, not answer questions, so when this woman was being all snotty to him, he did what he was told to do and he just turned her on over to customer service. So, he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with these rude assholes.

Yesterday we went shopping and it was a fun day. I had great doll luck!

First we went to the bookstore to get some books. They didn’t have a copy of that book that was misnumbered, but the guy, who’s the same guy that’s always been there when we’d go there, gave me a credit slip for $5.50 and told me to keep the book so we could trade next time I go there.

Then we went to the Metro Mall which was closed, so we stopped at a fast-food drive-through to kill time. Then we went to Sears, cuz Tom had to replace something, but I waited in the car. When the mall opened, we found that they had no dolls, so then it was off to the Christown Mall where they had 3 really nice dolls. The best one there, which was Spanish or maybe even oriental of some kind, was out of my league at just over $400. There was another black or Indian doll that was nice, but she wore a hideous outfit. Then there was Bailey. Beautiful, long-haired Bailey for $283. Although yet another blue-eyed blond, she was so beautiful so I told the lady there that I wanted to check out one more store but may be back to buy her.

So then it was off to Dolls, Bears & Surprises to look at their large dolls. Obviously, neither the guy that works there nor the woman that works there knows much about what they’re doing, cuz the 28” dolls they had were $500. Not $300-$400. There was one large one that was OK, and a couple of other medium-sized ones that were nice, too, with nice faces, but they were all $500. He said in a month or so he’d have 36” dolls coming in from Germany that’d be $350. Well, this guy doesn’t always know what he’s saying when it comes to height and prices, and the woman doesn’t quite know her dolls either, cuz Patrice was there and I’ll bet you she was there all along. That’s OK, though, cuz I’ll have her sooner or later, but guess who else was there as a nice surprise bonus? Rapunzel herself! So I bought her, and now I’ll only be ordering one more doll from Ashton Drake. One more for a while, anyway, and I’m thrilled that my doll purchases are going as planned.

So, excitedly, it was back to get Bailey, but the gate was down over the store entrance. It’s only run by one person, so she obviously had to break for lunch or to use the bathroom, so we went into Walmart to look at their digital cameras which don’t use film, which Tom’s gonna be getting with his money, and we went into Radio Shack, too, but they didn’t have any.

By then, the store was open again and I bought Bailey. I couldn’t resist that sweet, angelic face and that long straight hair. I could’ve dropped the lollipop doll and gotten the Spanish one in the back of the store, but I said nah. And besides, she was a little over my limit cuz she wasn’t just $400. She was $435. However, I do intend to get a doll of some kind of color someday, be it black, Spanish, or Indian.

For now, I still have all blondes, but I finally have brown eyes which Rapunzel has. Her dress isn’t as bad as it looked in the catalog. It’s dark green with gold accents on the sleeves, in the front at the bottom, and in the flowers that are on the sides and bottom of the dress. I don’t know what you’d call the thing on her head, but it’s a combination of the same material that’s in her dress, and there are a bow and pearls too, that circle down over her forehead, with a diamond in the center.

They pulled hairs at the sides back into a swirl of curls at the back of her head that looks nice, and there are short curls that frame her face, too. Anne and Jessica have a yellow-blond shade of hair, but Summer Dream, Rapunzel, and Bailey have a darker blond. Especially Summer Dream and Rapunzel. Rapunzel’s was a bit frizzy when I got her, so I steamed it to smooth it down. It’s wavy, and if you pull it straight, it’s a few inches past her feet. Left alone, though, it’s to the hem of her dress, which goes down to her shoes, which are quite fancy. They’re black with gold circles. Although she’s about the same height as Summer Dream and taller than Jessica, her face and arms are thicker, which I like better. She may even be thicker than Anne. Jessica’s 14”, Anne’s 17”, Rapunzel’s 19”, Summer Dream’s 20”, and Bailey’s 24”.

Their prices in the mall store are weird too, cuz they had dolls smaller than Bailey that weren’t nearly as nice as she is, for $400 and up. She wasn’t in any fancy costume, though, just a sleeper, so maybe that’s why.

Bailey. Isn’t that an odd name for a girl? Sounds like a boy’s name to me, but it’s better than Gertrude. Anyway, Bailey’s not as big as I expected, but big enough. Standing up straight, she’d be 24”. Bailey doesn’t have a stand. She’s a sitting doll. She’s also the most flexible and realistic looking, next to Summer Dream. Her head moves and her arms and legs do too, but her legs are permanently bent at the knees. She’s proportioned really well, and her hands and feet look just like a real toddler. She came barefoot in light blue pajamas of light cotton material (1 piece), with matching light blue bows in her hair at the sides of her head above her ears. She’s my first doll who’s not wearing a dress, and this is two dolls wearing light blue and three wearing blue altogether that I have.

I polished her fingernails and toenails red. I’ve never seen doll eyes as real-looking as hers. In her eyes, you can see the flecks of colors that real eyes have. They’re not just one solid color with a black dot in the middle.

She’s got the best hair of them all which I do believe is human. It’s nearly to her knees. Her hair is straight and non-frizzy. I love it.

It’s hard at this point, to decide who’s my favorite, but it ain’t Jessica or Anne. I’d say it’s Bailey.

Jessica, Anne, and Summer Dream are in the music room now. Rapunzel’s got Anne’s spot in the living room and Bailey’s sitting on the recliner in the bedroom. When I get the three more dolls I hope to get, two of them will go in the music room to stand on the vanity with Anne and Jessica, and Patrice will be the one to stand in the bedroom, or maybe I can make room for her at the side of my monitor. Patrice is looking upward so I don’t want her up too high. Besides, if she’s up too high, you can see where her head attaches to her neck. I’m surprised her neck and upper body aren’t all one piece like Rapunzel’s and Summer Dream’s are.

So I’ve got Patrice on her way in December, I’ll probably order the lollipop one, and I’m hoping to get Edie with any birthday money I may get. If anyone beats me to her, I’ll turn the money into CDs, but we’ll see. Edie has that Spanish look, and the store still has two of her just like they did when I got Anne.

I can’t believe I already have 5 dolls and 1998 isn’t over yet! I didn’t plan on having my 5th doll till maybe mid-2000 if I were lucky, but after I get the next three I hope to get, I’ll probably take a break for a while. Yes, there are so many more I’d love to have, but they’re pretty expensive! Most of the dolls I’d want that aren’t from Ashton Drake are $400-$500. We’ll just have to wait and see how much money’s left over from buying new furniture for the new house. If there’s any left over, maybe I’ll get another big doll or that gorgeous pink, shiny southwestern wall hanging I saw for $400 marked down from $600. I plan to stop in a southwestern store anyway, for lamps and a few decorations to really give the new place that southwestern look in the midst of these dolls and pictures of pianos and stuffed animals and stuff that has nothing to do with the desert at all.

Later…

Yesterday was great for shopping weather-wise, cuz it was cloudy and cool. Because it’s always so hot and so sunny here, it’s a nice change to not be sweating my ass off and to not have the sun blaring in my eyes. It’s cloudy and cool today too, but the weather channel says it’s to clear up for the weekend, as is usually the case. This is the one weekend where I won’t wish it’d rain.

Tom’s feeling better and got some of the roofing stuff. He needs to get more stuff, but his car can only hold so much.

I moved Bailey out into the living room. She’s sitting on the speaker now, and Rapunzel’s on top of the TV.

I began scanning more family pictures and I may scan more. I figured what the hell, there’s room for it, and it’s always nice to have them backed up on the computer.

What happened to Andy? He leaves me a message saying how happy he is, then not even 12 hours later, I get a frantic message from him. Well, he wasn’t frantic, but he sounded anxious, depressed, and on the verge of panicking. I didn’t even know he left a message early this morning till a couple of hours after he left it. I was either listening to music or in the tub when he called, then I didn’t notice the caller ID box blinking right away. All he said was he thought I’d be awake and could really use someone to talk to. I called him back at that point but got no answer, so hopefully he took care of whatever the problem was, then went to work.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1998 The low-pitched guard dog’s going off now. What the fuck would be going on to stir it up at this hour? You know, sometimes I don’t think they have a reason to go off. I think they just like to go off for no reason at all.

Bill’s car is out of commission still. It wasn’t next door yesterday, and from the looks of it, the bitch and kid stayed home all day. If the city/state’s providing her with a training/work program, can’t they provide her a ride, and can’t they provide the kid with daycare? I guess not. But it’s not their responsibility to, either. When you go and have a kid, it’s your responsibility to take care of it and if you can’t even take care of yourself and pay for your own expenses, you can’t pay for a kid’s, and therefore, you shouldn’t have the kid. It’s not the city’s job to pay for those who are too stupid to have kids they shouldn’t have, and who won’t get themselves jobs and it really pisses me the fuck off knowing our hard-earned tax dollars are going to that bitch! That bitch is able-bodied enough and able to keep a schedule. She should have no excuse for not being able to support at least herself.

If the cock didn’t take the bitch or mistake anywhere yesterday, then what did it come over for? Maybe the bitch decided to call it quits with whatever she’s been doing, and he was pissed cuz she didn’t call him to tell him not to bother coming if that’s the case.

Enough about the lazy bitch, cuz guess where we’re going this morning? To the doll store I got Anne at! I hope to hell I find the big doll I want!! For $300 I’ll be damned if I’ll settle, but if none of their 28” dolls appeal to me, which is the height of their biggest dolls which range from $300-$400, I’ll go look in the mall again or wherever.

Tom didn’t have to work last night cuz of the veteran’s holiday, so he slept last night instead. He said in the message he left me that although he’s sniffling and coughing a bit, he should be well-rested for going out today and feeling well enough for it. At least the store’s open today. I called them yesterday to find out.

I don’t have a bad vibe concerning next door, fortunately.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1998 Began spotting on the 4th and had my so-called full flow today, but it was nothing. Already, my period’s ending, too. I had way more cramps for the period.

I called Ashton Drake for a catalog, and if I was told right, Patrice ought to be here for Christmas. The woman said something about them planning to have her shipped for the holiday, so I guess she’ll be here in 6 weeks, but they should’ve asked first if I wanted her shipped for the holiday. I didn’t want her for Christmas. I wanted her now.

Tom’s still sick but went to work. He said he’ll come home if he doesn’t feel well.

Later…

I couldn’t believe I woke up at 115 pounds after eating all I ate yesterday. I went crazy with the food yesterday. I just couldn’t fill up. No matter what I ate, I was still hungry. I had a TV dinner, two hot dogs, two bags of popcorn, two pieces of toast, and two ham and cheese pockets. At least 3000 calories! Today I’m only allowing myself a TV dinner, a bag of popcorn, and a can of soup. Although I’ve been sticking to 114-115 like glue, and although it’s not too much work to stay at that weight, I still do have to work at it. If I could suddenly be 100 pounds at the snap of my fingers, maybe I could maintain it as easily as I can maintain the 115 pounds after all. However, the trouble is getting there. I can’t get to 100 pounds to know if I could hold it or not. I could if I starved, but it’d take many days of starving to do it, so, no thanks. Even though it’s just 15 pounds away, no thanks. Too much slavery and too unnatural in this day and age.

Later…

It’s coming up on 7:00 and I haven’t heard or seen anything next door. She might be stuck at home due to her stupidity and irresponsibility in having that kid. If she can’t get anyone else to take her to and from school/work, and to watch the mistake, she could very well be trapped at home wishing she’d taken birth control 4 years ago so she could get on with life. I hope she isn’t stuck at home, though, cuz you know what that’d mean. That’d mean some of her lazy, jobless friends would be slamming over and doing God only knows what and I ain’t about to listen to it.

Later…

Well, well. The cock’s on the street now. Been there for about 10 minutes. Is he taking the bitch off? Taking the mistake? Waiting for someone? I’ll have to spy some more to see.

Later…

Whoa! Mikey, Mikey! Are we pissed this morning, or what? I thought I heard them yelling, but couldn’t be sure. Then some of what I just saw makes no sense. The cock yelled out something as it walked alone to its car. It was dressed up in black pants, a white dress shirt, and a tie. It had a gray wool cap on, too. This is the longest time it’s had the same car. Anyway, it opened the passenger side of its car, but I didn’t see anyone get in or out. Then it slammed it shut in aggravation, got into the driver’s side, took off a few feet, then backed up a few feet, opened and shut its door, then it left. Fucking weird-ass mother-fucker!

So, is both the bitch and mistake home? Is someone else coming, or what?

Later…

After the cock left, I haven’t seen anybody or any vehicles since.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1998 I fell asleep for a few hours after having to take Benadryl due to an allergy fit.

Tom said the mailman just left Summer Dream outside and said he didn’t see why he wouldn’t have, anyway. So she was here when he came back from the tracks, and I just had to be asleep. Patrice will come when I’m asleep, too.

When I got my email from Evie, I was asking myself if this was part of the breakdown Tom said she may be heading for, but who knows? All I know is that she sure did sound like my sister this time around. Let’s see, she had a fever, a bowel obstruction, the flu, and may have to have her appendix out, too. I think there’s more but can’t remember what else she said went wrong.

I sometimes send quick little emails to Tom while I’m online. I told him that I wouldn’t ask him again for the 50th time if he could write letters to my nieces but wanted to know if I could write to them and sign his name. See, this is what really pisses me the fuck off. Why can’t he just come out and say so when he doesn’t want to do something? Why’s he gotta go and make so many damn excuses?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1998 There was no Saturday freeloader shit that I know of. At 10:30, just a few hours ago, I saw headlights shining into the carport over there when I went into the music room. I turned on the music room light to see if they’d see it and honk, but they didn’t. I didn’t hear any music, either. Just voices talking with no regard for anybody who might be asleep. Actually, they were a little softer this time around. I’ve heard them be much louder before. The car sat there for a couple of minutes, then left.

I can’t believe how long she and Mike have been together! They’re so different. Although Mike may be a selfish, wimp of a phony liar, he’s friendly on the surface. He politely shook my hand when he introduced himself to me and is basically uppity and nice. So what’s an aggressive bitch like her doing with him? Guess she wanted someone she felt she could control and manipulate. Just like domineering Doe wanting Art, who was always willing to be her puppet.

We had our cumless sex yesterday and yesterday’s excuse was one of his favorites - racy heart. Well, if he hadn’t gotten off in the bathroom prior to us getting together, and I just know he did, he wouldn’t have had such hard a time, but whatever turns him on.

I asked him why sex was so hard for him, why he panted so hard, and why his heart raced. He said that’s part of good sex. Gee, was it so good he couldn’t get off? Does he realize that nothing he says about sex makes a damn bit of sense? Not this, anyway. He’s still lying about the cumming regularly, too, but I know he’s only cum once since last April. I can feel when he gets off. Just about any woman can tell when a guy cums.

I would like to have a special doll display shelf someday. Obviously, if I have a 30-something-inch doll, she wouldn’t go on this shelf, but I envision two shelves that are about 5’-6’ wide. The top shelf will be about 18” high for dolls that are 12”-17”. The bottom shelf will be about 25” high for bigger dolls like Summer Dream, who’s 20”. However, due to her trailing bride’s dress, she’d take up space for 3 dolls, so she may not be good for this unless I don’t have enough dolls that need the space she’d take up. I would also like the back wall of these shelves to be mirrored. Then you could somewhat see the backs of the dolls.

Later…

I keep running in to look at Summer Dream, she’s so elegant and feminine, and that’s the sexiest wedding dress I ever did see! I figured I’d like her and Anne equally, but I don’t know. Anne may have nice long hair, but Summer Dream’s drop-dead gorgeous dress makes Anne’s and Jessica’s dresses seem like old, ugly, tattered rags.

Later…

Tom’s up now. He’s still not feeling well, but he’s hanging in there.

He said the doll was sitting out front when he got home.

I asked him why they’d break the molds for this doll in a couple of years and he said it’s to give it more of a collector’s value.

I made Summer Dream a gorgeous bracelet whose color totally goes with the pink and blue of her sash and flowers. I used a pearly melon color. Very tiny beads.

He reports no noise from the freeloader, and that he saw the cock’s car on the street this morning.

Later…

I just sent Andy a message answering a question of his. I sent him the message, rather than calling him directly. He said he’d be going to bed at 10:00, but with my luck, if I had called directly, he’d have answered, unable to sleep yet, then I’d be stuck on the phone with him for 45-90 minutes.

He wanted to know since he admits that pot really kills the brain cells, what kind of answering machine/service he had back east, saying he knew he had something. I corrected him when I left that message and let him know that when we were back there, there was no voice messaging service, I had a regular answering machine, but he didn’t. He had nothing. I’m not sure if they updated their system back east and got voice messaging yet. I think they did, though, 2-3 years ago.

Andy also says he liked the creative mail I sent him. I sent him the same sentence in different fonts. He said that as soon as he gets envelopes, he’ll check the ones he likes and send them back to me.

So, Andy wasn’t a pest for me, but Eldon was a pest for Tom this morning. I wondered if he wanted a computer job now that the house is sold, but when Tom was online, Eldon sent him instant messages asking how to delete a file. Tom told him over and over again how to do it, but I guess either Eldon was too stupid to do it, or it just wouldn’t work.

It rained earlier, but Tom said not to worry before he left for work, since he taped the wires to that outlet with electrical tape and cut the power in the back room. He only turns the power on back there when he goes to use his computer. Yeah, it figures it’d wait till Sunday evening to rain. It almost never hits the weekends.

For a minute there, I wondered if Tom was pulling my leg about having a cold (I can’t always trust his word since he lies about cumming) so he could get out of doing yard work and so he could use that as an excuse to lay around in front of the TV all day since he didn’t sound sick, but he says he’s not that bad and that sleeping most of the day helped him. He says if he feels bad at work, he’ll come home, but that it was probably due to lack of sleep. So God’s looking out for him too, by not letting him be a father.

We wondered if Blackie gave him this cold. For a few days Blackie was sneezing like hell and we wondered if he had allergies or a cold.

Speaking of cats, Tom’s gonna be thrilled to know that White Paws is back. I was right too, about why she took off for a while. She did have babies. She’s much bigger now than she was when she left. She’d come up to the door, but not in the house, so I stuck a bowl of dry food out on the patio for her, which she dove into right as I left it and went back in the house. I’m surprised she didn’t eat the whole bowl.

The dogs shut up earlier in the evening tonight. Like right at sundown. Well, last night was Saturday night after all. When more people are around like they are on weekends, that stirs them up more. They went off on the freeloaders when they got in at 10:30 last night. I say “they” meaning the 2-3 kids that live with that bitch.

Along with doing the roof, we’re gonna tear up the carpet in the back room. Underneath the carpet back there is a tiled floor. Unless the tile’s really bad, we’re not gonna recarpet that room.

I began spotting on the 4th and it’s coming up on the 9th now, so I should be getting my full flow by the 10th.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1998 She’s here! Summer Dream came today and she’s so beautiful I nearly cried!! There’s always that small, nagging worry that a doll will look worse in person than she did in a catalog, but nope. She’s even more gorgeous in person. She’s in the music room due to how she’s posed. Her head is turned sideways as this particular doll you kind of want to display mostly from behind to show off her beautiful backless dress with the floral sashes and bows hanging down the back from the waist. When we move, I’ll try to have things set up so she can be viewed easily from the back, front, and side. With the way the furniture is laid out in the living room, and due to the furniture’s size, she can’t be displayed nicely in there. Although I’d prefer her to be in a room I’m in most often, like the living room, she’s best off where she is in this house.

I’ve decided to leave her dark blond hair (Anne and Jessica have light blond) piled up as it is, even though it can easily be taken down. I looked and saw that it was not such a complicated hairdo after all. All they did was basically put it up in a ponytail on top of her head, then curl the ends and splay them all over the crown of her head. But I’ll leave it up for variety (that way I’ll have one with it up, one in braids, one with it loose) and taking it down would’ve covered some of the beautiful dress and the real-looking detail of her back, shoulders and arms. This dress is absolutely stunning. Its straps are off the shoulders and that’s where the joints are. Right where I broke my arm, actually, in the middle of the upper arms, so that you can swivel the arms and position them how you want. I was wondering how they hid the joints so well. On Patrice, you can see where her arms are attached since her dress has thin straps. Her arms attach at the shoulders as most dolls do. Can’t wait for Patrice, too! For now, I have Jessica and Summer Dream in the music room and Anne in the living room. When Patrice comes, Summer Dream and Jessica will stay where they are, but Anne will go in the bedroom, and Patrice will take Anne’s place standing in the living room on one of the stereo speakers.

Anyway, Summer Dream wears pearl earrings. There are pearl dots in her earlobes, and then dangling pearl drops. I’m surprised she doesn’t wear any necklace or bracelets, but she’s got a wedding band on, of course. The hands, which are shaped to hold her bouquet, have their fingers molded together like most dolls, and her wedding band, is just a half circle of gold that was glued onto the indentation of the ring finger on the left hand. I might make her a bracelet with my tiny beads. Her nails are painted red, but not quite as dark as Jessica’s (Anne’s nails aren’t painted).

Will you shut up! It’s coming up on 11:00 and that fucking beast is still going off. The high-pitched one is worse. Well, it ought to settle down soon enough, but again, these people are lucky I’m out of here in ‘99.

Anne and Jessica really do look like girls while Summer Dream really does look like a woman. I get dolls for different reasons, of course, and while I got Anne for her long knee-length hair, I got this one for its dress, since blue eyes and blond hair aren’t typically my thing. Her eyes are nice, though, as far as their shine goes. Instead of looking just shiny, they look wet like real eyes. I also like the hand-painted eyelashes better than the false ones they stuck on my other dolls.

I finally got something with pink, too! Yes, this doll’s bouquet is of pink flowers. I love the soft pastel colors between the blue sash and bows and the pink flowers.

Her shoes are white heels that are molded to her feet. They’re not real shoes you can take off and put back on like Anne’s shoes.

So it took her 3 weeks to get here from the day she was shipped. Tom was right. Parcel post is really slow. So if Patrice isn’t shipped till after December 12th, I’m probably not gonna have her till just after the New Year. She’s worth the wait, though, just like in the end, Summer Dream was worth waiting for.

I can’t believe this doll was only $92 and not $150-$200.

Like I thought I would, I didn’t get a catalog enclosed with Summer Dream, so I’ll call Monday and have them send one. Since Tom decided that we’ll probably each have $500 to spend after all our bills are paid, I’m hoping to find a big doll for around $300. Rapunzel and the lollipop doll from Ashton Drake’s catalog are each about $100, so I’m hoping to get those 3 dolls. Fuck CDs and clothes. I still may get some CDs, and maybe a couple more bigger bras, but I’m all set for winter clothes. All I really want, since I’m gonna be staying at around 115 pounds, is maybe a couple of sundresses and a couple of pairs of shorts and it’s not the time of year to go shopping for that, even here in Arizona.

I also want to enlarge my wedding band to my indefinite 115 pounds. I awoke at 114 today, though, to my surprise. I haven’t been gorging since it’s never been in my nature to do so, but I haven’t been eating just one bite a day, either. I’ve had to have been having around 1500 calories a day.

I scanned in Summer Dream’s certificate, and I intend to keep her papers, even though I refuse to ever sell her like the papers suggest I may want to do. There’s a winter, spring, and autumn bride, too, and according to this one’s certificate, the series ends forever in the year 2001 and the doll’s molds will be broken and no more porcelain will ever be cast. But why break the molds? If I was such a gifted artist/sculptor, I’d want to keep the molds forever. That was quite an ugly woman, too, who created such a beautiful doll.

I can’t believe how fast my doll collection’s starting off, but I’m psyched! By the spring I may very well have 3-5 more dolls! Guess that depends on what I get for my birthday. I’ll have to ask Tom if we’re gonna do Christmas with each other, at least, and if he wants to tell me what he wants, or if he wants me to use my imagination and pick out something to either buy or make. I’ll also ask him if he wants me to tell him what I want for my birthday, or should I let him just do what he wants? If he asks what I want, I’ll suggest that $30 Edie doll. They had two of them at the store.

I wonder if Tom was here when the mailman came with Summer Dream, or if he came and left her here before Tom returned from the tracks. I’ll have to ask him when he gets up. He’s been asleep since I got up at 7 PM.

She wasn’t as packed as I thought she’d be. She did have foam pieces as wide as the box she was in to steady her so she couldn’t slam around in her box, but only her feet and head had a plastic wrap. The wrap was actually a bag with rubber bands. Jessica, though, had layers of tight plastic wrapping. She was in her own box with her name on it that slid snuggly into the outer box that had their company address on it, our address, and the invoice. Her bouquet was in a bag and at the bottom of the box.

I hope her soft white chiffon dress doesn’t turn yellowish in time. They recommend dusting her regularly, but with what? A feather duster? A damp cloth? Maybe it’d be best to take the dolls outside periodically and shake their hair and clothes free of dust.

I plan to do some pricing homework on Monday. I’m gonna check out the home shopping channels and see if I can find out what company manufactures the dolls that they have on their doll shows, and I’m gonna call some collector’s stores to see what they’ve got, too. Tom will check online stuff.

Unfortunately, he’s got a cold. A little later than I expected, but it looks like his immune system is still not as strong as mine’s been since I’ve been out here. I hope he doesn’t give me this one. He used to get 4-5 a year, but I guess it’s now 2-3 a year. Well, hopefully it won’t last long and interfere with his doing whatever he needs/wants to do. I’m surprised he didn’t get it about 10 days from now when he goes to do the roof. Maybe it’ll rain instead. I’m also surprised he didn’t get it when I was mid-cycle, even though I don’t have a mid-cycle. He left a message saying that his throat got really sore at the tracks. He obviously didn’t win, or else he’d have said so, but I hope he had fun despite his sore throat.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1998 Bill’s car is still out there. At ten to eight this morning I glanced out right before I hit the sack and saw the car where it’s at right now, saw it again when I glanced out at 4 PM, and ever since 7 PM it’s been there. From the looks of it, it hasn’t moved since yesterday morning.

I gave my dog/cat mugs a vinegar treatment to get rid of the coffee/tea stains. It really works.

I’m not one to usually watch movies over and over again, but earlier I saw Stephen King’s The Dead Zone for what must be the 15th time.

I told Tom that I was thinking of hitting three birds with one stone and sending Dureen, Art and Larry journal excerpts on them when we move, along with the bitch’s, but Tom’s advice was not to and as I do eight out of ten times, I’m gonna take his advice. As Tom said, I’m gonna give next door the stuff in place of beating the crap out of them, but as for the other assholes, they haven’t been doing anything to me. No calls, no trying to get my attention, no trying to piss me off, etc. He said it’d be different if I wanted to send them a holiday card or letter. Hell no. I wouldn’t degrade myself like that. Anyway, they’re not worth the excerpts and they probably wouldn’t have read anything I sent anyway, and even if they did, it wouldn’t change a thing. I still want nothing to do with them. Not now. Not ever.

If I was shocked to wake up at 115 pounds yesterday, I was even more shocked to wake up at 114 pounds today. That’s because of all I ate yesterday. I had a TV dinner, a couple of bags of popcorn, and a burger and fries.

Tom took off some of his old stuff from my computer and did a backup on CDs. I got rid of some old stuff, too.

He showed me how to make subdirectories so I can have different screensaver groups. You know, like Norah in one, Gloria in another, etc., but I was too stupid to remember how to do it on my own and in the midst of things, I lost one of my favorite pictures.

And now I can’t print out the fucking grocery list, either. I went to print, then aborted it cuz I hadn’t run it through the spell checker yet, but it wouldn’t let me move on. I tried to purge the print job, but it was determined to save it after telling me I could delete it. Who knows when Tom will be up to help me, though?

Later…

Well, Tom couldn’t get to trimming the front hedges, since going to the bank and all that took longer than expected, but on the bright side, there’s $6,000 in our account. We’re gonna pay off our bills, then have fun with the rest. That fun may include getting the big $200-$400 doll that I didn’t think I’d get till we moved, along with some clothes, since I’m definitely, definitely gonna stay at 115 pounds. I’ve been at 115 since the beginning of August, so this is where I’ve leveled out at and where my body feels it needs to be in this day and age. I could still get down to 100 if I starved, but I’d have to starve many days in a row, and as soon as I began eating again, I’d go right back to 115, so it’s not worth it. Here’s where I’ll stay. It’s better than 124. guess I don’t need to walk in order to have a little bit of metabolism function these days either, cuz again I woke up at 115 after having a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and cheese puffs.

Tom went to bed at 7 PM and I’m to get him up at 3 AM for the sex he says I owe him. Why? So he can get hard and suffer till he’s alone and can empty himself out? God, how can he stand it?! On the other hand, I’m beginning my period, so he may feel comfortable enough to get off, but comfortable is the keyword. As long as that’s what he is; happy and comfortable.

Speaking of money, Mary won $2,500 gambling. Of course she did. She doesn’t need the money. See, it’s not that God helps those who help themselves, it’s that God gives to those who don’t need, and he takes from those who do need. Same with the wants.

If there’s ever a time I wish that Tom was an only child, it’s now. If we were getting that entire $31,000 check, we could move now! Tom said that if he had been an only child, he’d have a whole different personality and I might not even have liked him since things are all intertwined. Maybe.

So, what’s Mary gonna do with this money she won? She’s gonna get a new hard drive that Tom has to be the one to install. I knew people would want this and want that as soon as that house sold, but I’ve already accepted the fact that sometimes, others are gonna have to come first. Since I’ve come to accept and be used to and even prefer taking care of myself sexually, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but when too many things come up and they need this and they need that and our shit doesn’t get done cuz of them, I get pissed. I just wish he’d finish more things he starts. He almost never finishes a project he starts and if he does, he puts it off for quite a while before finishing it. Nonetheless, Tom says he is gonna tackle trimming the back and front hedges, and he’s gonna take care of weeds and the tree out front. These things, fortunately, are gonna slow down in growth for a while. They don’t grow as much in cooler weather.

I’m glad we’ll be keeping our land, when we move, in its natural state. Tom’s great with handling money and bills, and with fixing things that need fixing ASAP, but he’s lousy with keeping up with yard work.

I still haven’t gotten my doll and I hope he’s right when he says it’s not misdelivered, cuz with this mailman you never know what to expect. It’s hit or miss with him, although since I bitched he hasn’t given us tons of other people’s mail and hopefully, not too much of our mail has gone to other people. It took 5 complaints, though. If Becky addressed the letter she said she sent me correctly, then someone else got that one for sure.

Tom says Evie’s not stable and never really was to begin with and that she’s been complaining of more problems since having her gallbladder removed and wonders if she’s heading for a breakdown. We’ll see.

The cock came to bring the bitch back yesterday afternoon and to pick it up this morning. Bill’s car sat where it’s been sitting till 5:30 today, then it was towed away. I heard its engine start, but then it sounded funny, so he’s obviously been having trouble with the car. That explains why the cock’s showed up more, too. Probably to help Bill with rides and look like a good guy. At first I wondered if Bill had moved in while Tom suggested that maybe they fumigated his place. I decided that if he moved in, though, I wouldn’t report it, since Bill’s never been any trouble. I wouldn’t have reported that cock being here either, had it kept its music out of our house.

Tom straightened out the printer problem I had yesterday and helped me build some subdirectories of pictures. I’ve got 11 different groups. That’s how many color schemes I’ve got. So each week, I’ll rotate colors and pictures. My wallpaper will stay the same, though, with all the pictures. I forgot about making directories for regular screensavers, but I don’t know how I’d go about doing that.

Later…

What the fuck’s got one of the guard dogs stirred up at 11:15 at night? Well, it is the weekend, so perhaps the freeloader’s got company? I didn’t hear any car doors, though, and I don’t feel like looking. The dryer’s going now, so it drowns it out, but I guess it only went off for a minute. When those fucking dogs go off at this time of year, since sounds are louder when it’s cooler cuz cooler air’s thicker, it can be heard loud and clear in every single fucking room of this house.

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard the old man’s dog across the street in ages.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1998 I spoke with Andy for 45 minutes (after he said he didn’t want to talk long). He’s about to hit the sack. He gets up at 5:30 in the morning now.

He got into one of his talks about God, Adam, Eve, Judgment Day, etc., but it was kind of my fault for leading him into this discussion, and once he hits upon this topic, he goes on and on. During his chat, he told me that God shits on those who believe in him. Oh, how lovely of him. Yeah, that’s something God would do.

His roommate Laura has moved out and into her boyfriend’s place, but they’re still friends. She’s been generously helping him with finances.

He’s still clean and he loves his new job. I’m happy for him and proud of him for finally doing something as far as a career change goes, rather than talking about it.

He said David’s looking for a job change too. He was a welder by trade, but lately, he’s been working in some shipping and receiving company, but is thinking of going back to welding.

Judy made him and David an incredible offer. If they get that cottage at Hawk’s Nest beach, it’s a year-round cottage, and Judy said he and David can live there. The catch is, though, that they’d have to share it with the family in the summer, so for 3 months out of every year, there’d be a shitload of people coming and going.

Andy said that if he and David don’t work out, he’s still gonna stay there, but doesn’t know if he’ll stay in Connecticut or Massachusetts.

I made Melanie a Christmas card. I didn’t make the card, actually. The card was one of the ones the Humane Society sent. I printed out a drawing I did of 3 dogs on the front and wrote her name. On the back, I printed out a floral drawing of mine, and one with a cat, too.

My doing this inspired me to print pictures and drawings out on the backs of envelopes that will be going to Tammy and Andy.

On Tammy’s stationery, I used that program that lets me insert picture borders. I can use pictures that come with the program or I can customize it by using my stuff. I used a drawing of mine, one of our wedding pictures, and a picture of Tammy in high school. I did up 8 envelopes for Tammy, and she ought to love one of them! I don’t know what went wrong on this one, but all that printed out was garbage. Just a bunch of senseless letters, numbers, and punctuation like a scientist’s lab formula. By it, I wrote, “Oops! I really screwed up this one!”

For Andy, I sent him the same sentence - were you just thinking that the rooms were all on fire? - (our famous sentence for 1989-1992), and they were all in different fonts. The ones that are complete and that I’d be willing to use. I skipped the ones that are super hard to read. Anyway, I asked him to put a checkmark next to the ones he likes and feels are legible enough, then send me back the papers.

From now on, the journals I print out are gonna have pictures bordering their pages. Pictures of family members, animals, celebs, journal covers, etc.

Still haven’t gotten a reply from Marla. Was it something I said? Or is she just that busy? Well, I either hear from her or I don’t.

I wouldn’t know it if Alex realized he didn’t add me to his email list when he went to block out junk mailers and has tried to get in touch with me, cuz I didn’t bother to put him on my list.

I’m definitely not gonna shit tomorrow. Maybe not even the next day. I shit 3 times today!

Later…

What the fuck is Bill doing here at 8:30 at night? What, is the bitch doing something at night now, too? Joebitch, you’re gonna wear your poor daddy out! Maybe she got arrested and is doing a little jail time of her own.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1998 I blew it today with the starving. I had a TV dinner and some popcorn. Hopefully, I’ll be able to survive the rest of the night on tea and water.

I was surprised to wake up at 115 pounds, though. I thought I’d wake up at 117-118 since yesterday I had two hot dogs, a TV dinner, popcorn, and soup. The popcorn and soup alone were 900 calories, 300 for the TV dinner, and about 550 for the hot dogs, and that excludes what I had for drinks.

I printed out pictures of Cocoa, Ziggy, Tanner, Patch, Ratsy, and Measles for Mom, Mary and Dave to see. Evie and company got to see them already.

Tom took Ma to an EEG appointment today and tomorrow he’s gonna take her again for another appointment, cuz Mary’s still out of it. The poor girl went through a lot of pain having her gallbladder out, and now she’s in a lot of pain with the thyroid. They said that when they took out her thyroid, it was loaded with tumors. They may or may not have been malignant, but they didn’t want to leave it in even if they knew that they weren’t cancerous, cuz they could become cancerous in time. Tom will be able to get her to her appointment tomorrow with no problem since he’s off till Sunday evening. Then he’ll be off again on the 15th-18th.

This year there’ll be no Thanksgiving or Christmas get-together since Evie and Mary are having too many problems right now and since Carol and Steven are in California, Nora and Ray are too stupid, and there’s no way we want to entertain a houseful of people. It also looks like we’ll be skipping the Christmas present routine too, but we might make a shirt for mom or maybe a pillowcase with a picture of mom and dad on it. And we’ll reattempt the shirts for Tammy and the girls. I’ll be sending Christmas cards to Mom, Mary and Dave, Evie and David, and Andy.

Another routine change next door today. At 4:00 I heard Bill’s car leave, then at 5:30, what appeared to be a light gray or blue car pulled up. Out came the little clown that’s always lived there, and then out came a girl of about 8-10 years of age too. Who are all these kids? Are these supposed to be the nieces and nephews I was supposed to have told that they can’t play here? Anyway, the car left shortly after, but I couldn’t tell if the girl left in it. This looked like the same car that was picking her up in the mornings, so maybe Bill went to where she was, dropped the clown off with her, then maybe the blue car came to bring her and the clown home, then the girl freeloader visited for a few minutes, then left. Who knows for sure, but I have a theory. I think that whenever her cronies are doing jail time, she takes in their kids till they’re released.

Ratsy got up to see me a little while ago and he’ll be getting up again soon. I really love this rat. He’s a combination of the mice and the pig. The pig only likes to cuddle and the mice only like to explore, although Ziggy does like to sit with me, but Ratsy likes to do both.

I got up at 3 PM today and shortly after, Tom came home. He said he thought the doll would get here today for sure, but it didn’t. I think it was misdelivered, but he thinks this mailman’s lazier than most and just hasn’t gotten around to sorting and delivering his parcel post packages yet. Well, Tom’s gonna call them if there’s been no withdrawal from our account by the end of next week. Last he checked, they hadn’t even taken a payment yet. I either get them or I don’t, and if I don’t, I’ll just use that $200 to get dolls in the store I got Anne at. Or was her name spelled Anne? Whatever.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1998 Still no fucking doll! What’s taking so long? Was it because I was awake when the mailman came around today and God really wants me asleep when the doll comes?

Last night I ended up being up for 21 hours. Finally, I took a Benadryl. Why am I constantly up 18 or more hours? This is why I could never handle a job or a child. If I had to be up at the same time every day, I’d be getting 3-6 hours of sleep every night and it’d eventually kill me.

I gained a few pounds from eating a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and those fries yesterday. Again, that would never put a few pounds on me back when I smoked. Today I’m not gonna worry too much about it. I’ve had a TV dinner and some popcorn, and I may have soup later, but tomorrow, it’s back to starving again. I’m gonna have to not eat every other day to maintain my weight. This is fucking ridiculous. It’s getting harder and harder to maintain this weight and I’m getting more and more tempted to forget it. Am I gonna eventually be able to only eat every 2-3 days in order to keep my weight steady? Just like how I’m gonna cut my hair someday, cuz someday I’m gonna need a break from it, I’m gonna totally forget about keeping my weight where it’s at. It’s just too much work, so I’ll give in eventually and just take the 20-100 pounds I’ll gain when I do.

Gloria Estefan Live by Request is taping now. I took a quick peek at one point and was surprised. She looks better than I thought she’d look. She’s not skinny, but she’s not fat, either, and she’s singing pretty well, although I could still do better for the most part. When I’m not congested, that is. It pisses me off that God just won’t let me fully use my voice. I may not wheeze like I used to, but I still get tight and I still have congestion. I still have times when I have to stop and clear my throat, and it really pisses me the fuck off. I feel like God’s teasing me with this gift and like he’ll only let me use it so much, and I just wish he’d either let me use my voice free of congestion or just take it away. I’m tired of the conditions that have to go with everything wonderful. I can have this great guy, but he has to have a freaky dicky and lie about it.

He still insists he’ll do whatever they request of him for testing, that he’ll love me no matter what, and that he’ll support whatever decisions I make. I believe the last two, thank God, but I still can’t see him willing to participate in the testing.

On the other hand, his cumming is totally in his control, so maybe he will let them have his cum, then go back to rarely cumming in bed. Remember, there is no such thing as a guy who can get hard, but not cum. You either can’t get hard at all and therefore you can’t cum, or you get hard and cum. He chooses when to cum. So maybe he will choose to cum for the testing. We’ll see. I suppose that’s still a way away yet. If it took months to get a GYN appointment scheduled, I’d think it’d take another few months to get the testing scheduled, and a few more to get through the testing, unless something does come up to prevent testing or I change my mind, so if I can get any answers, you’re talking around the time we move. But will we move in June? Or will it be August or September?

No kids came out to play after dark or at twilight. Also, Bill’s bringing his sick daughter home from work, but who knows who’s picking it up afterward? As soon as I’m up at 6:15-7:45, I’ll know.

Later…

OK, I saw the Gloria show. I basically scanned through her singing her songs but listened to all the requests and all that. I’m surprised she didn’t bring her daughter on stage, but Emilio came out at the end. He’s getting old and gray. Anyway, the people who called in requested the songs I figured they’d request, and I got a kick out of a couple of those requests that I know had to be staged. Whoopee Goldberg called at one point, then Gloria told the guy who was her host that she’d be right back, went off stage, then requested a song with an English accent. She’s also supposed to have a small role in a movie with Meryl Streep that may be out in about a year, that’s got to do with keeping music in the schools.

I’ve got some shocking news about Andy. He’s keeping his Red Lobster job as a hostess but is only working part-time there now. That’s all he could get from them anyway. From 7 AM-4 PM Monday-Friday he’s now working a job typing into computers pharmaceutical orders. He had his first day of work at this new job today and loved it. He swears he’ll never wait on tables in Arizona again, but I still say he won’t go back east. I’d have to see it to believe it.

He’s also been clean for nearly a week now, so I’m quite happy for him.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1998 I really hope a ball game isn’t about to erupt cuz I’d really like to write, although the air cleaner may drown it out well enough. Well, maybe not. The two kids I can see right now who are screaming at the tops of their lungs are playing badminton in the street. In the fucking street. That’s so fucking dangerous and stupid. These things should be played in their backyard. Fuck! Now here’s a boy with a basketball. Thank fucking God it’s getting dark out.

OK, I watched them for a few minutes and that was a Frisbee and not a basketball, but oh my fucking God! These kids, and now I realize that they’re the same ones that I saw playing in the middle of the street at night a few nights ago, are associated with the Lopezs. Tom said he guesses there are 3 kids in that household. No fucking way. These are definite Mormons. I know they do daycare, but I highly doubt that at 6 PM these kids are other people’s kids. There are at least 5 of them screaming in back and another 5 up front. They’re darting in and out of the street and they’re playing on people’s lawns within a 3-house span on both sides of the street. As soon as they hit our lawn, which they came close to doing, they’ll be hearing from me. What is it with kids playing in the streets and on other people’s lawns these days? When I was a kid I may have played next door on my grandparents’ lawn, but I never played on people’s lawns who I didn’t even know, and I didn’t play in the middle of the street unless I was on my bike, even though our dead-end street was pretty dead.

It sounds like they may have gone in. Now it’ll just be the dog’s noise for another hour or so. These people are really fucking lucky they’re not next to me!! Sometimes, though, with all the screaming and barking, they may as well be next to me. They were playing in next door’s yard. Why can’t they play in their own yard? Maybe because of the guard dogs, their space is limited in the backyard. I didn’t hear those dogs at all on Halloween night, and you know a pin dropping 8 blocks away will stir them up, so I’ll bet that if there’s one night a year they pull them in or at least muzzle them, it’s that night. Too many people out. Too much risk. Guard dogs aren’t like ordinary house dogs that protect just their territory. They want to go after you even if you’re not on their turf. So, it’s risky to leave them out with all the people walking by, even if they were walking by on the other side of the street. The dogs could still smell and hear them, and you wouldn’t want to have the dogs bust loose on that many people. I’m surprised they cared enough to pull the dogs in in the first place. They also probably figured all that loud barking would scare away the little trick-or-treaters. That’s if they gave out candy.

Thank God it’s getting darker later. It helps. Somewhat.

I wasn’t up this morning to see if the cock came for the bitch or not, but the end-of-the-day routine changed a bit today. At 3:00 a white car pulled in and out. I only saw the outline of someone in the driver’s seat, but that’s it. Then at 5:45 I heard car doors, but didn’t feel like looking out at that time.

Got an email from Kim and Evie.

Didn’t get my doll today. I’m so sick of waiting! Tom said, “I told you Tuesday would be more likely than Monday. With parcel post, it can just sit in a post office in the town it was shipped from for a week. That’s why they use parcel post. It’s cheaper.”

So it’ll get here not while I’m out, but while I’m asleep. I doubt I’ll be up before the mail gets here, but I could be. If not, though, he will be.

My weight was at an all-time low today at 111½. I could wear my jeans and jeans jacket again and it was nice to be able to fit into some things I couldn’t fit into for a while. I had a TV dinner and popcorn yesterday. Today I had a TV dinner, soup, and a small order of fries at the drive-through we stopped at, and later I’ll have some popcorn. This way I won’t be stuck for too long, but come tomorrow, it’s back to either having nothing or just a TV dinner.

Once again, I had to have seen at least 3 pregnant teens on the streets as we were going to and from Melanie’s. I may not want a child of my own, but this is sick! What have God and society come to? These kids should be in school. Not pushing their kids around in strollers on the streets. All blacks and Hispanics, as usual. Does anyone in their 20s or 30s have kids anymore? I kind of think 20s is too young, but I swear, if it’s not in your teens that you have kids, it’s in your 40s that you have kids. Teenage pregnancy is so fucking common now, that I’ll bet a teenager that doesn’t have a kid is considered an oddball.

It makes me wonder about Lisa. Is she gonna get pregnant any day now? It’d be the norm. Guess that depends on how closely God wants to shape our lives. There are a few things we don’t have in common, but not much. So, if she’s just like me on that issue, too, God won’t allow her any kids. I know Becky will be a mom, though. If any of those kids are destined for motherhood, it’s Becky. She looks like a mom already. She totally has the looks God likes for that.

Anyway, seeing Melanie went fine. Oprah came out and said hi to me as she went to get someone else before Melie came for me. She moved the bracket since that tooth’s moving down and over really well. Something just hit me - you have a retainer after you have braces on your upper teeth, but what about your bottom teeth? I don’t see how you could wear a retainer down there with the tongue in the way. Yeah, we talked about those bottom teeth. I asked her what she’d recommend, and she said she’d do it; get them straightened out. She said I wouldn’t have to come in all the time since this wouldn’t be trying to nudge an impacted tooth into place, and that it shouldn’t be as painful. However, I will have the irritation at the beginning that I had with the top teeth. I told her that’s a pretty high tolerance to put up with me for longer. She said I could start anytime with the bottom teeth if I want to, and that the kids she has to deal with really irritate her. They come in with 6 broken brackets cuz of eating the stuff she tells them not to eat. She lectures them about it, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Yeah, and I’m sure the parents do a good job of watching what their kids eat. They really care.

I asked her how many patients she has and she said she didn’t know.

So afterward I asked Tom if he felt she recommended it only for the money and he said no, cuz she gets paid a salary whether or not she sees me.

Anyway, now that I’m through the worst of the top teeth, I think I’ll tell her to get things going to nail the bottom teeth next time I see her.

This sure is the decade of fixing the things God fucked up on me, huh? I fixed the ear as best I could, the teeth, and I doubt I’ll fix the sterility, but I hope that Tom will cooperate enough so I can at least get tested. Again, though, I don’t see how they can refuse to test me just cuz he won’t let himself get tested, so I guess I should go in there with the attitude of not letting him stop me whether or not he chooses to participate. Only God can do that.

Later…

I’m going to be taking my tea into bed and read myself to sleep in a little while. I forgot to say that I woke up early today. I thought I wouldn’t fall asleep till close to sunrise, and therefore, it’d be a bitch to get up at 11:30 like I told to get me up by, but the Benadryl actually went back to knocking me out. I took one pill at 11:00 and by 12:30 I was out of it. I awoke at 8:30.

I want my doll tomorrow!!