#first shift of the new year
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wow, was helping this girl cancel her membership and her friend randomly asks if I work out here, and I'm like oh yeah I actually did yesterday, and she cuts me off to ask if I use the abductor machine (pictured below)
and I'm like yeah sometimes, been a while whatever and she dead serious looks at me and goes "that machine is for the girls." like weird thing to say to a male worker here or whatever, and I come up with the very clever response of "Oh. . . . . sorry" don't really know what she was looking for there to be completely honest
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Everything must end for a new beginning
#shifty!!!!#just realised I haven’t posted anything about the vessels yet#oh well#shifty will the first one then!!!#slay the princess#black tabby games#stp#stp voices#character art#stp shifting mound#shifting mound#stp princess#happy new year
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not the #innerchild of it all but think my 7 and 17 year old selves would absolutely lose! it! to know I’m spending my mid-October Sunday going deep into the woods on a spirit-vision-directed quest to find a mushroom for obscure magical purposes, also my hot boyfriend who I live with packed me lunch (+ I am also a hot boyfriend)
#this season change has had its bumps ft some health shifts and ongoing big structural/personal grief but!#the body’s doing her thing and also on a new herbal regime that’s made chronic pain of the past year nearly……vanish? almost overnight#I managed to fuck! for the first time in months! the other week and it was unexpected and blissfully easy#I can be out a few times a week walking! which is accelerating my practice in weird+great ways and just wasn’t possible before#lotta big existential gratitude coming in waves#I fucking love October#diary
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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How it feels to watch minecraft diaries as a 21 year old woman
#the pyre#just passed the point where we meet kc for the first time#btw mcd season 1 is the only aphmau series I watch bc mcd after s1 has a major tonal shift that I cannot get behind#I never got far enough into mystreet to get introduced to all those new characters#and even as a middle schooler I knew that pdh was cringe#and I think she's had other big series outside these 3 but I've never watched#I think it's funny seeing aphmau b4 she rly started taking her rps more seriously and every character has a va#I still love her and the cast (at least the ones I'm familar with) but I wish all her content was brainrot meant to be consumed by toddlers#I check out her channel from time to time and b4 she p much only made videos with#zane kc ein pierce noi mac and ofc her husband#and she still does but I remember clicking on a vid a few months ago and lucinda was there!#and also I've seen garroth and katelyn make an appearance!#I used to love her vids in 2020 when she wasnt uploading rps but it was b4 she devolved into brainrot#like her “minecraft but the water rises” or “minecraft but we can only dig down” vids and I rly liked her#I think that the reason why aph is one of the few old popular mcyters who still is rly popular today is bc of her minigames#like seeing the charcters be all serious in mcd and then seeing them get along as friends in mystreet and then seeing jess and the vas get#along as friends in her minigame vids...amazing#and those vids are v reminiscent of those old vids I think we all love#but I bring this up bc I know that garroth would appear in those 2020 vids but then he kinda...disappeared#so I'm glad he's back even if it's just for one vid#but I havent seen katelyn since like....when pdh was still airing#so her appearance FLOORED me but in a good way#I just think it's funny how many connections jess has#like ppl joke about how theres a solid chunk of former vas who worked on jess' series who actually made it into the industry#good for them#also I wonder how many of the old vas she's still in contact with#and god jess#it's been FOUR years#you got popular for rping WHEN will you upload another rp?!?!?!?1#upload another rp and my soul is yours
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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“if i turn from doing what’s right, i’ll lose myself” / “then i’m coming with you” / “i know :)”
#i already had thoughts abt them but the whole. the don’t go where i can’t follow trope. omfgggg#the way that after a year of knowing each other something shifted in sabine the moment harding got injured#such a small sudden shift but it changed everything#suddenly sabine found herself thrown off guard by the way harding looked at her#that softness. that vulnerability.#not because she was scared but because she felt an urge she’d never felt before#this ache to protect her#she wants to do everything for her. to be there for her and uplift her and provide for her and make her so so so SO happy#an all-encompassing desire to be With Her. such a new feeling that she just can't keep herself from giving in to#whether she's trying or not. she can't help it. true north always points to lace harding#sabine was always on her own romantically. flirting was a means to an end. sex was between friends not lovers.#it's not that she thought love didn't exist it's that she never bothered trying to find it so when IT found HER it got her by the throat#it is so simple but this is loveeee she's falling in loveeeeeee#and the FEAR oh my god#her love for harding was born out of the realization she's afraid to lose her and so fear is at the heart of their relationship#the urge to protect is first instinct. she was a treasure hunter. hypervigilance is second nature#‘i know.’ yeah babe. she sure does.#anyways.txt#jasmine plays datv#ch: sabine laidir#god there are parallels between sabine/harding and alistair/rowena now that i'm getting into the meat of it. hold on a second#man hold on a second........#unease permeating the air. stolen moments amidst the despair. paralyzing fear of loss and grieving before the tragedy has even struck#MMMM OKAY. OKAY.#the difference is sabine is a grown woman with a healthy brain and rowena is like nineteen traumatized and insane
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#i've been thinking about this for new years tbh !!#blue looks really good though#but my multis were always pink / grey themed first and i'm wondering if i wanna go back#if so i'll have to ask bunnie to help me with the color change ..........#or maybe.... get new graphics........#softie can you afford them NO next question ( i'm taking extra shifts )#𝘰. ooc ♥ softie
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Shadows of Fear: Did You Lock Up? (1.1, Thames, 1970)
"And they didn't make much mess?"
"No, not really. They forced that door. Smashed the cabinet, slashed a sofa. And kicked a hole in the bedroom door."
"Ah. Big mistake."
"What is?"
"Never lock inside doors. Anything you can to keep them out - but when they're in, let 'em get on with it."
"I'll remember."
#shadows of fear#single play#roger marshall#1970#classic tv#thames#kim mills#michael craig#gwen watford#ray smith#mark mcmanus#malcolm kaye#charles leno#having come to something of a premature pause in my New Scotland Yard watch (the first ep of series 3 isn't on the YT playlist I've been#using and is proving quite tricky to get ahold of) i thought I'd revisit this brief lived anthology series for the creepy season. i first#watched this about 10 years ago and my memories of it are scant to say the least‚ so it seemed like good viewing for the season#the production history of SoF is lost in the mists of time (unless someone out there wishes to enlighten me?); this first episode was shown#in June of 1970‚ but the rest didn't follow until January of the following year; probably this acted as a sort of pilot to gauge viewer#reactions to another vaguely horrorish anthology series (the previous decade had been ripe with them‚ tho we rarely see their like today)#and then there's the odd case of the final ep‚ shown almost 2 years after the series ended and running to half the length (and generally#feeling like an entirely different format) but I'll come to that when (and if) i get to the episode itself. this debut ep is... well it's#fine. i was excited to see Marshall's name in the opening credits‚ one of the most dependable of old tv writers and I'd quite forgotten he#contributed to this show. but the issue here is simply one of length. the plot is solid‚ a suitably grotty little tale of a family man's#mounting obsession with the burglars who broke into his home. it would make a good ep of Tales of Unease (shortly to begin on Thames'#sister broadcaster LWT) or a few years later as an episode of Tales of the Unexpected; both being 25 minute shows. but this clocks in at#close to 50 mins and there isn't really enough to it to sustain that longer running time‚ leaving it feeling a little stretched thin and#flimsy. a shame‚ because Craig and Watford are putting in excellent performances as the middle class couple whose reactions to the burglary#slowly shift as time passes (he goes from prosaic acceptance to fixated malice‚ she from shocked indignation to making peace with it all)#no big surprises in where the play is headed or how it plays out‚ but that's often the case with these things; it's often just as much#about the horrible foreknowledge of what must come than some shocking twist‚ and this plays it about right. it's just too long is all.
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gooooood mornie sweetie pies!! (∩´͈ ᐜ `͈∩) the holidays are over & the city is takin down its xmas lights & gettin ready for the next big day….my bday!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ & i can’t wait to celebrate w all of you & your faves!! <33 happy sunday funday my loves!! i hope you get up to smth so fun today!! :3 ily ily ILY!!
#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!#hiiii (ฅ'ω'ฅ) how are we doin today my loves? are we well rested for a brand new day?#bc I AM!! *｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و*｡ i wrk my usual tiny shift today & then its laundry time!!#i dont mind laundry bc i get to go to the laundromat w mr chlobun!! wahoo!! :3#now that the holiday wk is comin to a close i can focus on makin my rounds to mooties mailboxes!! <33#i fear its been quite sometime!! eeep!! pls forgive me!! ૮꒰ྀི ∩៸៸៸∩ ꒱ྀིა#woah nelly i have much to catch up on!! i’ll be beboppin around when i get to wrk!!#omg!! its our first sunday funday of the year!!! *⸜( * ॑꒳ ॑*)⸝* lets make it a v special one!! mwah mwah!!
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I have a desperate need for Naivara and Lucanis to have an argument a conversation sometime about the true nature of the Crows. Because like, Vara hates the Crows with a burning passion. She’s willing to help them, sure, and she cares for Lucanis, Teia, and Viago (and even Caterina and Illario, to an extent. That’s a whole other post though.)
But the Crows took her childhood, just as they did Zevran. They kept her baby brother from her. They’ve done vile things over the years and she’s lost so many friends and loved ones because of their association with the Crows. Getting away from them nearly killed her but it was still the best thing she ever did for herself and her brother. And she would have a hard time helping the Crows and considering them allies, even though she needs them to be. Which could potentially cause some collision with Lucanis and probably the other Talons too.
#headcanon: Naivara Galonodel#I have so many ideas about her life in the crows#and about how her feelings about them shifted#took her 19 years to realize how fucked up they were#and she spent so long trying to avoid them#just to end up right back in antiva#having to help them#and also falling in love with the new first talon
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Once I have the attention span to only work on one fic at a time, I will be unstoppable.
#unfortunately I will never get that attention span#I already have a plot and rough outline for this fantasy au fic#and keep thinking up more details for it#ooo shiny#but for writing#give me a new idea and my interest will be shifting just like that#and here I was hoping to have the first chapter of my longfic up by the end of the year
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#but actually can you guys say a prayer about teaching for me?#I know it’s mostly because it’s the end of the year#but a lot of stuff is just forcing its way to the surface#and basically it’s just me struggling with my natural strengths as a teacher and the boundaries of appropriateness that are necessary#to maintain it#like first of all. the beast that is my anxiety compounds everything and makes it so scary and terrible#secondly I thought I had. Like. A total handle on all of it#Teaching and boundaries I mean#and of course I do not#and part of it is that the anxiety that always kept me within the right lines is just shifting and changing#and I’m just distanced from some of the stuff that used to keep me grounded#like my family right now!#the new adulthood is adulting!#anyway like. I am not doing anything inappropriate or close to it (sounds like I am when I deny it lol)#but I am aware in a new and newly exhausted way of the absolute dangers#of being the kind of teacher who uses all of my personality etc. to wake kids up#And make them respond#but then still have to want to need to keep certain boundaries up#And I’m trying to figure it out but of course I CAN’t Do it perfectly#and then it’s so hard when your personal life is so hard and you’ve just gone through so much change in such a fast period of time#And it just feels like everything is spinning#and your heart aches and you’re tired and you just feel like you’re right at the center of all this emotional chaos#and all these people who wanna pull you off course and get you to cross certain lines#and some of the lines are just weird and arbitrary boundaries you put up to protect yourself when you started teaching at 23#Because you HAD to#So you can take some of them down and it’s fine but then there are some boundaries you know you need to keep up#And it’s more subtle than the black and white stuff re: appropriateness#Just the stuff that protects you and makes it easier to be the kind of teacher and influence that you want to be#and just trying to figure it all out while you’re exhausted and it’s the end of the school year#it’s just a LOT. A lot a lot
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My internet has been investigated by a professional.
There might be something weird with the big cables (to quote the guy: the "inner-pair" and "outer-pair" of the eight-cables are of different lengths, but by all accounts still work just fine), but my own equipment has at least passed (no extra-fine for crying wolf for me).
The weird stability-thing continues to be weird. And current test is for them to switch my internet-provider (internet-provider has a use-contract with the cable-operators, who are the ones investigating) over the weekend. See if the problem is on that end.
It's possible that this is the case (at which point I guess I'll try to switch permanently), or that it's that weird cable-length resulting in the problem (which is... a whole different can of worms).
#also. after a full week with only paracetamol. i'm back on naproxen (self-decided) after sending an update to my doctor#(basically amounting to ''you do know that this spine-pain never actually goes away on its own. right?'')#(with an addition about how paracetamol doesn't even really do anything for me. as far as pain-reduction goes.)#(but yeah. the pain builds up over time. sometimes very little time is needed. but giving it more time isn't gonna make it go away)#(i know this bcs it took me EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS to get these pills in the first place. and they were the only things that helped.)#(you think i didn't try other pain-meds before that? you think i didn't try to exercise? you think i didn't change my sleep-posture?)#(i had eight months. i bought an entirely new fucking bed. i slept in a fucking hammock. i tilted my bed. i tried sleeping sitting up.)#(until naproxen? NOTHING FUCKING WORKED. and at this point... if i get heart-issues ten years from now?)#(at least i've had lived a comfortable life up until that point. and there's heart-medicine that can probably keep me going even longer)#bcs her most recent attempt at ''fixing my medication'' is effectively to tell me to close my eyes and make a wish#which isn't really a viable option. ''but exercise-...'' ''i've said MULTIPLE TIMES that exercise has never had an impact''#sure. exercises from the physiotherapist might have different results. but after a full month of them? no sign of those results.#and after one week off my pills (reduced)? i was sleeping in shifts (from back-pain) and struggling to stand straight#and my flexibility was so ruined that i suddenly remembered why i learned to never turn in my seat when reversing the car#(bcs i can't fucking move like that. moving like that is impossible. look in the mirrors. hope for the best)#so yeah. back on my pills. and my doctor can fight me over it. once they get around to reading my message.#won't stop me from doing the exercises. bcs let's face it i probably need them for other reasons. but yeah.#personal stuff#rants
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#my local doctors have responded to the strongly worded letter my gender clinic sent them last month by.. completely ignoring it so far#and i doubt i'm going to be able to do anything to try and get it sorted this side of the new year w/ all my night shifts..#so for the first time in 6 years i'm going to be w/o hormones for a while 😔#and i was worried abt the ramifications of that.. but this is a silver lining to it at least 🫣
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. It’s not too bad home. I’m over dramatic. It’s not bad and it won’t be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldn’t have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldn’t have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents aren’t in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. I’m sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didn’t go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents weren’t both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I don’t know if my scholarship would have held I don’t know if my financial aid would have held. I couldn’t have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I weren’t able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldn’t survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They aren’t going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents won’t feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my father’s gas eater truck. We couldn’t be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didn’t get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I don’t regret it. But a kid shouldn’t have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning ‘home’ for the breaks. I don’t know what I’m going to do.#If I can’t work all of the breaks then I either won’t be able to pay next semester#Or I’ll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Can’t buy gas. Can’t do anything. Can’t buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff I’m doing pulls through. But I’m willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldn’t that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldn’t you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But you’re leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You don’t want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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