#first i was told to name all my diagnosis so i did and then when they were on poke number 3 for IV access

[xviruserrorx]

I will say one of the funniest parts of this last hospital stay was accidentally frazzling my nurses and doctors on accident

[gguk-n]

Chapter 1- The Arrangement

Arranged For Love (Carlos Sainz Jr x Reader)

Series Masterlist

Summary- Everything seemed to be going well for Y/N until it doesn't. Will this life altering event bring her closer to her family. Will this life altering event introduce her to Carlos?

The reader is Y/N, other than that everyone has a name

Y/N was majoring in Business; just like her grandma, Anika Baker had wanted. "You're smart, you're rational and the best of all you're kind" she would tell her grand daughter growing up. That's why she was currently studying to maybe take over her family business when she grew up.

She grew up in a matriarchy, where after the untimely death of her grandfather; her grandmother took the lead and brought the company to where it is now. Eventually, she did step back and let her son, Ivan and daughter-in-law, Rose Aguirre handle it. That was when Y/N was born. The first born of their family, she was so pampered; she got whatever she wanted. She had her dad wrapped around her little pudgy finger.

So, when her parents were away, their grandmother raised her and her siblings. She fed them, helped them with their homework and best of all, told them stories of kings and dragons. Y/N would sit intently while her grandmother would massage her feet after a tiring day at school or give her a head massage when it ached. Y/N would always love spending time with her, one way or another.

Y/N was off too college as soon as she turned 18. She finally got to be back home after 2 years for longer than a few weeks; the reason wasn't something to be happy about since a virus had spread across the world and was killing people at an alarming rate. Which meant school, colleges, offices had all shut down and were working from home. When she hugged her grandma for the first time in 6 months; "You've gotten thinner since the last time I saw you" she squinted her eyes at her grandma. "You know how it is with age, I don't have the appetite anymore" her grandmother reasoned. "Well, you should still eat. I'm gonna make sure you gain weight before I leave" Y/N said determined. "Sure, sweetheart" she laughed. "Let's have food. It's nice to have everyone back home, together for once" she emphasised. Y/N held her grandmother's hand as they walked to the dining table for lunch.

A month or so after she was back, her grandmother had started feeling ill. She wouldn't be able to hold down any food and she had been complaining of a stomach ache. With COVID restrictions, getting an appointment was extremely difficult. After a week or so, thankfully, her dad was now at the doctor's office with his mother. The kids were at home, dotting it down to the regular stomach flu which was taking longer than usual to clear.

What came as a surprise to the family, after a couple tests was that, the matriarch of the house was suffering from stomach cancer. Couple more tests later, and it said that it had advanced quite a bit having spread all over the body. The doctors weren't sure what they could do other than ease her pain. Everyone was crying in their rooms while trying to hold a tough facade in front of Anika, so as to not worry her.

At breakfast, a few days after the diagnosis. "You lot are all cry babies. It's just cancer. I'll get the treatment and be well" Anika smiled. Everyone hoped what she was saying was true. But as the treatments started; things started to get worse for her. The medicines were taking a toll on her. Their once active grandmother was reduced to bathroom runs and staying put in her bed. She barely had the energy to eat on her own.

The matriarch's children were sad and couldn't help but cry since they couldn't do much for their mother other than watch. The grandkids would think of ways to make food exciting for their grandmother. The whole family had come together. They were all living together to care for their ailing mother. "I like this very much" Anika told Y/N. "What do you like, grandma?" she asked. "Having all my children here, fretting over me" she said looking at her 2 children fondly. Y/N smiled, "They always fret over you, for as long as I can remember" she replied. "Hmm...but this feel different...it feels nice" she hummed.

They had a scare a few months later; Anika's health had deteriorated suddenly and needed hospitalisation. When she was admitted in the hospital; everyone went to visit her in turns. "I wish I got to see at least one of my grandkids get married" she said barely above a whisper. She beckoned Y/N forward, "Darling, you're the oldest. You're the smartest. You always listen to your grandma don't you" she cooed. "Grandma, I don't like where this is going." she mumbled. "I know it is too much to ask for but why don't you get married. I'll find you a nice man" she reasoned. "Grandma, no. I'm only 20. I'm not getting married, not yet anyways." she whined. "ugh! I love you grandma, I really do but I don't have any plans of getting married, yet" she said pulling away from her grandma. "I'm going home. I hope you get well soon" she stormed off.

Y/N was fuming, she got that her grandma was sick and wanted to see major milestones in her grandkids lives and she wanted to share her happiness with her too but that doesn't mean she will throw her own granddaughter under the bus. She hated the fact that it was always her who would have to do as the elders told her to. Why couldn't it be her siblings or her cousins for once? Why did she have to get a married now? She has so much she wants to achieve, she can't be tied down just yet. People her age barely even remembered the name of the person they last slept with and she should get married; her grandma had gone crazy, she thought.

While Y/N was losing her mind because her grandma wanted her married; Carlos Sainz Junior was losing his mind since he got a contract with Ferrari next year.

In the world of Formula One, there was a change in tide. Sebastian Vettel would no longer be driving for Ferrari in the upcoming season; instead he was being replaced with an up and coming driving Carlos Sainz who was currently driving for McLaren. COVID had put a damper on things; but nothing could contain Carlos's excitement. He would be driving in red next year, something almost every driver had dreamt of when they dreamt of Formula One.

Carlos was your typical Formula One driver, he asked his father for guidance since he was a Rally Champion and looked up to some great drivers as inspiration. He had big plans; plan of winning his first race, plans of winning a championship title, plans of racing until he was 60 but none of those plans involved getting married any time soon. He couldn't imagine himself settling down, just yet even though his sister was planning on getting married herself. He had a long way to go; the biggest obstacle, he wasn't dating anyone as of yet so obviously marriage was off the table for the foreseeable future.

Now, there's a saying, sickness brings the lost together. That's exactly what had happened. Carlos senior had grown up with a family, albeit only for a few years of his childhood but those were formative years and he had spent a lot of his time with the Kastner family. They were his neighbours and even after they had moved away, they had still stayed in touch. He wouldn't forget their kindness and hospitality. For the few years that they were around he was incharge of making sure the oldest of the Kastner family, Ivan got to and back from school safely.

When Carlos senior found out about the ailing health of Mrs Kastner who would make him delicious food and baby sat them when necessary, he flew in as soon as he could with his family in tow. COVID didn't make it easy to visit the sick but Carlos senior would be damned if he didn't meet or introduce his kids to the woman he talked about. Carlos senior greeted Ivan, "You've aged" he laughed patting his back. "As if you haven't" he clapped back. The two happy to see each other after a very long time apart. "I heard Aunt Anika is sick" Carlos senior spoke. "News travels fast" Ivan chuckled. "Not fast enough since she's been sick for a while and I only found out after she was admitted" Carlos senior pointed out. "Yes, yes, she'll be discharged soon. She's been doing so much better for the past few days" Ivan explained. "That's good to know" Carlos senior sighed. "Can we meet her?" he asked hopeful. "I think she'll be over the moon when she find out you've come. She kept up with all your races" Ivan added. "I'm glad she did. I think it was the combined prayers of my mother and yours that I'm still alive after being this reckless" Carlos senior laughed. "That I will not disagree with" Ivan smiled opening the door to the hospital room where Anika was reading the day's paper. She placed the paper down to see who it was and a smile broke out on her face; "Carlos, darling, how've been? I've missed you" she spoke trying to get up but Carlos senior was already by her side, "Don't get up. I'm right here" he leaned down and hugged her. "I've missed you too." he whispered. She patted his back, "I see you've done well for yourself" she said scanning the faces of the 4 people behind him. He pulled away and introduced his wife and 3 kids to her. "Did he get into rallying just like his father?" she asked shaking Carlos junior's hand. "Worse, he's in Formula One" Carlos senior smiled. "Darling, stay safe. I might have to start praying for one more now" she shook her head. "This is the woman who was best friend's with your grandmother and they love each other too much" Carlos senior announced to his kids. "What team does he race for?" Anika asked Carlos senior drawing his attention. "I'm racing for McLaren now, but I'll be racing for Ferrari next year" Carlos junior replied. "congratulations dear. And Carlos, a bit narcissistic I think to name your kid after you" she laughed.

The atmosphere was lively and bright, everyone was busy catching up with each other and trying to let each other know what was going on with the other.

In all of this, the gears in Anika's head were spinning. If Carlos's son, Carlos was single he would be the right fit for her grand daughter. She had always adored and dotted on Carlos senior growing up, so it would only make sense that she would want a good family to take care of her grand daughter. If there's anything to go by how Carlos senior turned out, Carlos junior would fit right in with their family. She felt giddy thinking about the possibility of merging their two families. She knew if everything went well, they could easily be getting married at the end of the year or the beginning of the next. She just wanted what was good for her grand daughter, having something nice come out of it like a handsome and rich husband was a bonus.

The Sainz would be staying in town for a few days before they would be leaving. Anika had invited them over for dinner once she would be discharged since she couldn't send them away without feeding them herself. It was a day before her discharge and she was sat with both Ivan and Carlos. "Since the two of you are here, there's a proposition I would like to make" she said. The two men sat up straight waiting for Anika to continue. "I might not live long" she began but was cut off by mutual 'nos and you'll live a long life' before she shushed them. "Let's listen to the doctors and I know they are trying their best but we have to be realistic too. If I do live long, I'll get to watch the happiness unfold if don't then I'll at least be a part of some of it." she explained. The two men were very confused with where she was trying to go. "I want to make a proposition like I said, I think it would be great if Carlos's son, Carlos married Ivan's daughter, Y/N. I've always wanted to watch my grand kids get married, this way I can die happy" she finished. Their mouths opened and closed a few times before Carlos spoke, "Aren't they still too young?" he asked. "It's just a suggestion, it's up to you two and them to decided if they'll go through with it. Would I be happy if they got married? Obviously but at the end of the day it'll all up to the kids. I just want what's best for them" Anika said. The two men were thinking. They were stuck. "You two can think about it, maybe we can introduce them to each other at the dinner tomorrow" Anika said hopeful. This was going to be difficult conversation to have for both Carlos and Ivan, they thought.

Taglist- @herexpertcollector @redrevvedup @chaostudee @larastark3107 @jovialpainterunknown @vip-access @sugarvibez @champomiel @inarabee @virazeeee @seonghwaexile @champ15ns @ajthefujoshi @musicheaux @npcmia @marvel-ous-miss-maisie @mochipatch @gleeblegnarp @formula1-motogpfan @taliya8346282844eliviahdgdajs

[strangespector]

Breathless

Summary: A bad habit that has consequences

Words: 1046

The flashing lights of paparazzi cameras illuminated the night, capturing Jenna Ortega in a moment that would soon be plastered all over social media. The young actress, beloved by millions, was caught with a cigarette in hand, the smoke curling up into the night sky. The pictures went viral almost instantly, eliciting reactions from fans, critics, and, most notably, her family. Jenna's mother was especially vocal about her disapproval, a sentiment echoed by the rest of her family. They knew Jenna had started smoking on set, a habit picked up in the chaotic world of Hollywood, but seeing it publicly displayed ignited a firestorm of concern and frustration.

Despite their pleas, Jenna continued smoking, a habit that became a part of her daily routine. She would often light up at home, the scent of tobacco lingering in the air. I, on the other hand, had never touched a cigarette in my life. The smoke bothered me at first, the acrid scent clinging to the furniture, my clothes, and even my hair. But I loved Jenna. She was my world, and though I disliked her smoking, I endured it because I knew how much stress she was under. I figured it was her way of coping, a temporary crutch in the high-pressure world she navigated every day.

Years passed, and Jenna's star only continued to rise. She became a household name, and with every new role, her fanbase grew. But alongside her success, her smoking habit persisted. By now, it had become second nature to her, a part of her routine as much as brushing her teeth or making coffee in the morning. I often found myself coughing, my chest tightening uncomfortably whenever the smoke hung too thick in the air. There were days when I felt short of breath, but I chalked it up to a cold or allergies. The thought that something could be seriously wrong never crossed my mind.

It wasn’t until I started losing weight rapidly, my energy levels plummeting, that I decided to see a doctor. The cough that had lingered for months turned into something more sinister, a persistent ache that gnawed at my insides. After a series of tests and a tense waiting period, the diagnosis came: lung cancer, stage three. The words hung in the air like a death sentence. The doctor explained that the cause was likely secondhand smoke, a byproduct of living with a smoker for so many years.

When I told Jenna, she was devastated. The color drained from her face as she realized the implications of what the doctor had said. This wasn't just any illness—this was a direct consequence of her habit. A habit she had nurtured and indulged, not realizing the price I would eventually pay. She cried for days, apologizing over and over, but I reassured her that I didn’t blame her. After all, it had been my choice to stay, my choice to love her despite her flaws. But deep down, I knew she carried the weight of this guilt, a burden she would never fully shake off.

The chemotherapy was brutal. Each session left me weaker than the last, my body battered and bruised by the relentless assault of drugs meant to kill the cancer. Jenna was by my side through it all, her eyes red-rimmed from lack of sleep and constant worry. She quit smoking immediately, the sight of a cigarette now repulsive to her. She did everything she could to make me comfortable, but the cancer had spread too far, too fast. The doctors were honest with us—it was only a matter of time.

As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, I grew weaker. My once-strong body was now frail, a shadow of the person I used to be. Breathing became difficult, each inhale a struggle, each exhale a sigh of resignation. I knew my time was running out, and I accepted it with a calmness I hadn’t expected. I had lived a good life, a happy life, despite the challenges. And Jenna, for all her faults, had made me happier than I ever thought possible.

When the end was near, I made one final request: I wanted to go home. The hospital was cold, sterile, a place where people went to fight for their lives. But I wasn’t fighting anymore. I just wanted to be in a place that felt familiar, surrounded by the memories of a life well-lived. Jenna arranged everything, bringing me home and setting up a bed in the living room where the sunlight streamed in through the windows.

The last few days were a blur of pain and medication. I could feel myself slipping away, my consciousness fading in and out like a weak radio signal. But Jenna was always there, holding my hand, her presence a steady anchor in the storm of my fading life. I remember the last time I opened my eyes, her face blurry but unmistakable, framed by the soft afternoon light. She was crying, her tears falling silently onto our clasped hands.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry for everything."

I mustered what little strength I had left and smiled at her, a weak but genuine smile. "I forgive you," I said, my voice barely a breath. "You gave me a happy life, Jenna. That's all that matters."

And in that moment, as I looked into her tear-filled eyes, I felt a deep sense of peace. I had no regrets, no anger, only love for the woman who had been my everything. I closed my eyes, holding onto that final image of her, my heart full even as my body failed. And then, with one last breath, I let go, slipping away into the quiet darkness, leaving Jenna with the memories of our life together and the lesson learned from a habit that had cost us both so dearly.

Jenna would go on to live her life, forever changed by the experience. She would tell our story to others, a cautionary tale of love, loss, and the heavy price of a moment’s indulgence. And though I was gone, I knew she would carry me with her, in her heart, every step of the way.

[kiefbowl]

I was reading an opinion piece on Kate Middleton's cancer diagnosis on CNN by Jamal Baig about the increasing rates of cancer in patients under 50. As far as 5 minutes of googling and JSTORing can lend me to believe, there's nothing illegitimate about Dr. Baig. However, I found this bit in his opinion interesting:

Now, I'm always dubious when reading anything that attributes a very broad generalized idea that changes in diets have caused an increased in cancer, because more often than not it's not pointing to an exploration of, say, increased pesticide use, but the author's personal bias against the quote unquote "unhealthy", especially those who are deemed "fat" by the medical industry.

That being said, I was curious what source he linked, half expecting it to lead to just another op-ed from some other doctor from who knows when, but I was pleasantly surprised! Written by a man named Michael Donaldson, it was an evidentiary review published in a scientific journal called "Nutrition and cancer: A review of the evidence for an anti-cancer diet."

Now I wasn't going to give the whole thing a read, but I stopped in each section, gave a quick skim to get a general vibe, moved on to the next section, etc. I was immediately suspicious that the very first line in the abstract was "It has been estimated that 30–40 percent of all cancers can be prevented by lifestyle and dietary measures alone" as that seems to be a bananas statistic to just posit, but it still had the air of scientific integrity, so I did my skim.

The first handful of sections had things that gave me some moments of pause, that this article was in fact another doctor simply cherry picking data to confirm his own biases, but nothing so egregious as to do a spit take. That comes in a few minutes. The first section that made really go hold the phone was when we got to his Flax Seed section.

Compare how he writes about Red Meat...:

(that's all he wrote, btw)

...with how he starts writing about Flax Seed:

Did I just enter a Flax Seed commercial? Does this guy work for BIG FLAX SEED? on and on he writes about Flax Seed, and I start getting a sense that perhaps this man has a Flax Seed Agenda. In any case, he eventually moves on and I quickly skim to get to the end (because it's boring among other things).

So, who exactly is Michael Donaldson?

Girl are you kidding me

The Hallelujah Acres Foundation is a FOR PROFIT company that sells a """biblical""" based diet program called the hallelujah diet and also sells supplements on said site.

Now, in case you forgot where I started with this, this was the link provided as a "source" to a legitimate doctor's claim in an op-ed about cancer that "at least part of the answer" of why cancer is increasing in under 50 patients are the "changes to nutrition and lifestyle that took hold in middle of the last century." Dr. Baig did not read this article, or if he did was not concerned that it was written by the employee of a company that profits from unscientific research it uses to sell supplements and diets. Which is worse, I don't know.

The point I'm making is that you absolutely need to be vigilant all the time. You need to understand that doctors can not only have biases, but agendas. Researchers can have biases and agendas. Scientists can have biases and agendas. And that magical thinking about real health issues that can affect your future can permeate the scientific community because weirdos write convincing enough evidence that support their already determined world view.

This kind of shit is the reason why women go into doctor offices complaining about pain in their abdomen and get told to go lose weight and come back in 6 months. This is why ideas like moralizing eating have huge effects on women's health and influence medical misogyny, and why it's a feminist issue.

[inawickedlittletown]

One Year - BuckTommy - 8x06 fix it

Summary: This is my fix-it because I for one can't take that break up being the end. So, it takes a while, but they belong together. Words: 6k Read on Ao3

-

The first time he saw Evan again, it was from afar. It had been a couple of weeks. They were at the same call, Tommy somehow winding up on the ground. He spotted Evan walking next to Eddie with Howie and Hen just ahead of them, heard their voices despite how loud everything was. He kept his distance, and only once ran into someone from the 118. Ravi, who gave him a smile and nod. 

The next time, it was at one of the badge and ladder bars. Lucy had forced him to go. Had she not been holding his arm, he would have turned and fled. Instead he saw Evan throw back a shot and then walk over to some guy whose physique told Tommy he had to be a firefighter. He saw as Evan said something that made the other guy laugh and then they were getting drinks together and…and Lucy took him out the door while he tried to catch a breath. 

Tommy wasn’t new to a break up…it was just that this one was hitting harder than any before. 

Before Evan, there had been three boyfriends. Before and in between were hookups and one-night stands and even some friends with benefits that popped in and out of his life. He’d come out when he was in his early thirties, around the same age as Evan. Of course, for Tommy it had been different. He’d been hiding it from everyone and even from himself. 

In the army, he and some other guys had had a bit of fun. Masturbating together and pretending it was all fine and heterosexual because they weren’t touching each other. He’d exchanged one or two blowjobs here or there like an exchange of favors with guys that had girlfriends waiting for them back home. He lied and told them he had a girl too. Pretended he didn’t like giving as much as he liked receiving. 

Things were much the same when he was at the 118, except that pretending he had a girlfriend was harder. He even tried to date women. Abby…he’d met Abby when the 118 went to a call about her mother. She’d almost burnt down her whole house by forgetting to turn off a stove and looking back that had definitely been an early sign of her dementia. Abby was nice and Tommy couldn’t deny that he got along with her and it helped that she understood how busy his job kept him and what his hours were like. 

Dating Abby was the first time he felt like maybe he could do it. Marry the girl. Have some kids. Lie to himself and the world forever. As unfair as it was to Abby, it just…Tommy could tell that it might work. It was why they got engaged. It was why he was so sure about getting married but then there were guys he met on calls or that he checked out from time to time and he didn’t think he would ever be able to put that away. Instead, he would wind up cheating on Abby and making the hurt worse. So, he broke it off and felt horrible when he realized that Abby had gotten the blow of her mom’s dementia diagnosis.

After Abby, Tommy went a little wild. He slept around. Found out more about himself. Knew that he could never do what he did to Abby to any other woman. He heard at some point about Abby taking up with a younger guy. In what universe could Tommy have expected that years later he would date the same guy. 

One night, he ran into Karen at a Target of all places. Tommy was there to pick up detergent and he was just deciding between brand name or the store brand and also trying his hardest to not buy the brand he knew that Evan used, when a cart bumped into his. 

“I’m so sorry,” Karen said. 

He looked up slowly. 

“Tommy,” Karen said warmly. “Hi.” 

Behind her came Denny and Mara. Mara he’d only met a handful of times and he knew her to be a little shy. Denny smiled at him. 

“Hi, Tommy.”

“Oh. Hi,” Tommy said. “You got your cast off.” 

Denny nodded. “A little while ago.” 

He remembered sitting in that hospital waiting room and how he’d tagged along to Denny’s room and hadn’t expected that Denny would want him to sign his cast seeing as he was all but a stranger, but Denny did offer him the marker and Tommy did sign.

Despite wanting to, he didn’t ask about Evan. He hardly managed to ask about Hen. 

“She’s good,” Karen said and then, “hey, listen, you don’t have to be a stranger.” 

He offered her a tight smile. 

“I’m serious. Hey, how about dinner soon?”

He shrugged and Karen insisted, pulling out her phone and throwing dates at him until he agreed. 

Before she left, Karen grabbed his arm. “I don’t know what happened, no one really does, Hen says he doesn’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you’re not our friend still, Alright? That doesn’t just go for Hen and I, either.” 

Eddie had reached out the day after. The day after that too. And the one after that one. Then it was weekly. Then it was bi-weekly. Then came a final message. A voicemail. Tommy almost didn’t listen to it. 

“Hey, man,” Eddie said. “I guess you decided to cut all ties. I get it. Kind of. And look, Buck is my friend, but you are too and I don’t drop my friends. I know you’re hurting too, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m here for whenever you’re ready.” 

Tommy never called him. He thought about it. Almost texted him several times. He missed Eddie. 

He missed their easy friendship and the way that Eddie had welcomed him so wholly. He just couldn’t face him because Eddie would give it all away about how Evan was doing and Tommy wouldn’t be able to keep his own feelings in. It would burst out and then Eddie would know just how horrible Tommy really felt and how regretful too. 

He did regret it. 

He hated himself. 

Tommy went to dinner with Hen and Karen. It was good. Fun, even. Neither of them asked and Tommy didn’t offer any information. Instead, he got to hear about Mara’s adoption going through finally and about how Maddie was pregnant and doing really well. He tried not to think about Evan becoming an uncle for the second time and how excited he had to be over it. They exchanged Lucy stories and then stories from way back when Tommy was in the 118. Tommy promised they would do dinner again. 

The next time he ran into Evan, it had been more time than they had even been together. Tommy shouldn’t still be mourning the end of the relationship and yet…of course he was. Of course he still missed Evan desperately. So much for waylaying a heartbreak, there hadn’t been stopping that apparently and seeing Evan was like having someone reach right into his chest and squeeze. 

The first guy that he ever called boyfriend was a guy named Ivan. Ivan was a little older…okay, much older, and Tommy thought he was in love. Figured that was it and that he and Ivan could be forever. When Ivan broke it off because he met someone else, Tommy was devastated. 

“Tommy, I’m your first boyfriend, of course this wasn’t going to last. I always thought we were on the same page and that this was a bit of fun.” 

A month or so later, Tommy realized that Ivan was right. He wasn’t torn up and he hadn’t been in love as much as wanting the security of the relationship because it meant he didn’t need to keep looking for love. He’d gotten comfortable with Ivan, but what they hadn’t wasn’t something that would last no matter how much Tommy had thought it was what he wanted. 

The second guy came a year or so later. Paul was younger and Tommy met him while they were on a call. When Paul came by with muffins a few days later they got talking and Paul admitted that he was nervous but he’d wanted to see Tommy again. They had a few dates and then Tommy was rushing in with Paul. They spent every moment together and then moved in together too. 

When they broke up right before their one year anniversary, it was because Paul admitted that he never thought his first real relationship with a guy could be his last and that he had more options to explore. 

“Tommy, you were amazing. You will always be so important to me, but I’m not in love with you.” 

Somehow, that still hurt less than Evan and Tommy only had himself to blame for that. 

He saw Evan at a farmer’s market. He was with Jee-Yun who skipped ahead of him laughing. Evan was smiling after her. Tommy didn’t mean to follow, but he did keep his distance. Saw Evan buy a few things and smile at the girl that sold them to him, saw him stop at a stand selling apple cider, the man behind the counter blond and tall and bulky. Hot. His eyes were hazel and he was smiling at Evan and ignoring anyone else that approached. Evan was smiling back and doing that thing where he ducked his head bashfully before looking up through his eyelashes. Tommy’s heart ached. 

Tommy walked away from that. He turned and he walked until he was back at his car and then he sat there in his truck and let his mind wander because what if Evan asked that guy out? Or the girl? What if one of them wasn’t dumb like Tommy and stuck around and refused to let Evan go. What if Tommy never got a chance to…but he’d already blown his chance with Evan and he doubted there would ever be another. 

When he got to his shift later, Lucy took one look at him.

“Hey, you okay?” 

“I don’t think I’ve been okay for months.” 

Lucy hugged him. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” she asked. 

He shook his head. 

It was hard to even admit to himself how much he’d screwed up and how much he’d allowed his fear to color how he faced Evan wanting more than what they already had. He’d been unprepared when Evan brought it up and then it had been the Abby of it all and the way that Tommy knew he couldn’t expect for Evan to settle for him. That just wasn’t how it worked. He was the first, but not the last. Tommy just wasn’t good enough to be Evan’s last and it was something that Evan would figure out sooner or later. So why wait for their whole lives to get even more entwined and for everything to be so much harder when it all fell apart. 

One night, when Lucy showed up at his house to hang out, she had tried to bad-talk Evan as if that would help. It was the night she dropped information that Tommy hadn’t known and wasn’t it wild how much he and Evan had inadvertently not shared. Six months and they hadn’t talked about anything at all, apparently. 

Lucy and Evan had kissed once while drunk at a bar. 

The jealousy that hit him was…Tommy wasn’t usually a jealous guy and yet the very idea made him cringe and maybe he downed two shots back to back. 

“I kissed him,” Lucy said. “He didn’t push me away and I had no idea that he had a girlfriend at the time.”

It didn’t make him think badly of Evan, not the way that Lucy maybe intended. It just…it made Tommy wonder about how it would have gone if he was right. Would Evan have cheated on him once he realized he wanted more than what Tommy was willing to offer. But no…no, that wasn’t Evan was it? No, Evan would have stuck it out even when he got miserable and didn’t want to anymore and then Tommy would have had to say something and end it. 

“What happened after that?” Tommy had asked. 

“Between me and Buck? Nothing. I’m just saying, he isn’t this perfect guy either.”

As if Tommy didn’t know that, as if Tommy hadn’t seen exactly who Evan was from the get go. He was a mess, he was jealous, impulsive, he believed in curses, got pouty when he didn’t get his way. Evan was far from perfect, but Tommy had loved him because of it. He saw how much of the bad was still good or maybe not even bad at all. 

Lucy did leave him thinking about how they had never discussed exes until Abby and how maybe they should have. He wondered if Evan would have even brought up the Lucy of it all. He wondered how he would have taken Tommy’s own exes…Ivan and Paul and…and Henry. 

Henry was the last boyfriend before Evan. Gorgeous Henry who began as a friend and then started to get a bit flirty and who kissed Tommy for the first time at a New Years Eve party and then freaked out because Tommy was a guy. 

Weeks of not talking and Tommy not being able to stop thinking about him to an obsessive degree. How on Valentine’s day, he was surprised when red roses and chocolate was delivered to Harbor from Henry to Tommy and a simple note asking him out. He’d gotten so much shit for that, but Tommy had secretly loved it. The romance of it all, the sweetness. Henry had been so sweet. 

Henry who told Tommy that he was sorry but he had no idea guys were an option for him and how he couldn’t deny how much he wanted Tommy. They had long conversations about it and Tommy took it so slow that they didn’t even have sex for the first two months. 

Tommy didn’t realize that their feelings were different. Tommy had been crushing on Henry even before the kiss and then he had him. Henry had been mystified by Tommy and his attraction to him, but it wasn’t long before his eyes started to wander. Tommy had bought his house right before they started dating and when Henry’s roommate situation got a bit difficult he welcomed him right in. It had felt like the start of the rest of their lives. That had been a mistake. 

Tommy had been so blind. Looking back, the red flags had been evident. He’d been blinded by love and friendship and daydreams about a future he thought was within his grasp. Then, one night, when he managed to sprain an ankle, Tommy was first taken to the hospital and then sent home a whole thirteen hours earlier than expected. Henry hadn’t answered his calls, so Tommy got back home on his own. He found Henry in bed with a woman. 

The last time he saw Henry, it was when Henry picked up the last of his things and when Henry made his apologies and excuses it felt like Ivan and Paul before him. 

Tommy was never enough. Not enough. Always the placeholder for something or someone better. 

“Why not just break up with me?” Tommy remembered asking. 

“I didn’t know how. You were so…I’m sorry, Tommy. I guess I’m not done trying to figure out what I want.” 

The one thing Henry had figured out was that Tommy was not what he wanted. 

He did cry after Henry and then he threw himself into work and downloaded an app or two and didn’t try to date seriously. He had friends to call on lonely nights and then he could hit up a bar and find someone that way. Tommy had all but convinced him that it was all he’d ever have, until he met a firefighter with a cute birthmark who Tommy kissed without having planned to and who he almost wrote off after the first date and was so glad he didn’t. Breaking up with Evan was hitting harder than anyone that came before. 

Evan was different. He had burrowed deep in his heart and there was no getting him out. Tommy didn’t think he wanted him out. 

A few weeks later, he saw Eddie at the mall and with him was Christopher. He looked taller than the last time Tommy had seen him, and he was in LA. Eddie looked happy. Of course, he was happy. Tommy hated that he didn’t know when Chris had returned or how Eddie had won him over again. 

“Tommy,” Eddie said. 

“Tommy,” Christopher said. 

Had it been just Eddie, Tommy might have ignored them. Instead, he turned around. 

“Hi,” he said. 

“Hey,” Eddie said with a smile. 

“Hi, Tommy,” Christopher said. 

“Hey, kid, nice to see you back in LA.” 

Chris gave him a rundown of his time in Texas. He talked about the friends he made and his cousins and grandparents, but how Eddie had gone to see him and then Chris decided to come back with him. 

It was nice to talk to Chris and then to follow Eddie and Chris into one of the stores. Chris got distracted then, and Eddie turned to Tommy. 

“How are you really?” 

“It’s been months,” Tommy said. 

“I know. You never called me back. You should have,” Eddie said. 

“I couldn’t,” Tommy said. “You’re…how is he, Eddie?” 

Eddie took in a breath. “Look, I don’t think I should answer that. Buck is coping. He’s doing…what did he call it, he’s exploring. Apparently, it’s what you told him he needed to do.” Eddie’s look was pointed. Full of judgment. 

Tommy had to look away, he had to hope that his eyes wouldn’t fill up with tears. That night, right after he left Evan’s place, Tommy didn’t even remember how he got home. He did remember that he’d gone for his usual comforts. A shot of whiskey, a case of beer, and he’d tried to watch a movie and failed miserably. Hadn’t been able to watch romantic comedies since. Documentaries were out too. 

“Dad,” Christopher called. 

“I — I’ll leave you to it,” Tommy said. 

Eddie grabbed his shoulder. “Wait. No. Just…let’s hang out. You can come over or I can come over. We could sparr or get a drink. We’re still friends, Tommy. I’m serious.” 

“Okay.” 

Eddie called him that night and Tommy couldn’t say no to having Eddie come over to his place. They didn’t talk about Evan the whole time, not until Eddie was getting ready to leave. 

“I want to say something because I’m your friend and Buck’s friend. What you did was really stupid and I never thought you were stupid. If this was the way you always saw it going, why did you waste his time? Why did you let him fall for you? And I know you hurt yourself too, Tommy, I can see it all over you. So why? Just…answer that.” 

Eddie didn’t even let him reply before he left. 

Why did Tommy do that? Because even a minute of knowing Evan was worth it. Ending it early was just…he’d expected it to help because he had control and he was making the call and then he wouldn’t be devastated. It was a little late for it, apparently, at least on his end. 

“He’s exploring,” he said out loud. Eddie’s words. 

What had Tommy expected. God, he really was an idiot. 

A week later he was at a call that the 118 was present for as well. He tried to stay well clear of them, but he couldn’t help but look for Evan. It was like being a moth drawn to light and of course Evan was his light. 

He’d overheard Lucy and Melton talking on his first shift after his talk with Eddie and Melton had said everyone had a regret in love, that everyone had someone they let go of or who let them go that always left what ifs. Evan wasn’t a regret, Tommy would never regret him. What he regretted was that Tommy had allowed fear and his own baggage to cloud things and destroy what he and Evan had. 

Of course, a part of him did still wonder if he had been right. Every relationship came with risk, and Evan having just realized he was into men as much as women, it wasn’t farfetched to think that one day he might think that he’d settled into something with Tommy far too quickly without really knowing for sure it was what he wanted. Evan hadn’t denied that either, he hadn’t tried to stop Tommy leaving. He hadn’t reached out. He hadn’t even asked for any of his things back — granted neither had Tommy. 

Tommy had everything that Evan had ever left as his house in the drawer that had been Evan’s. Or hanging on his coat rack. In his bathroom. In his kitchen. He hadn’t had the heart to remove any of it and sometimes when he was really tired or when he’d hit the booze a little hard with Lucy, he could even convince himself that it was there waiting for Evan. 

The call rang long, the fire blazing for a while and worse people stuck inside on the higher floors. Tommy was helping on the ground on a hose, he knew the 118 was helping with evacuation along with the 133 and somehow they did manage to get everyone out and they did manage to get the flames put out. Tommy wouldn’t admit it, but he spent most of the call with his heart in his throat hoping that Evan stayed safe and that nothing went wrong. 

They were just getting back to the truck when he saw Evan a little soot covered, but smiling. He was talking to a reporter. Red hair, pale skin, skinny and pretty. He kept talking to her even after the camera man brought the camera down. 

“That’s Taylor Kelly,” Lucy said and she pushed him to keep moving. 

Taylor Kelly the reporter. Taylor Kelly who was Evan’s ex. Taylor who Evan had cheated on with Lucy. When he turned back to look once more they were no longer talking. 

“I don’t get why you haven’t reached out to him,” Lucy said. 

“He’s a coward,” Melton said. 

“It’s been how many months now and you’re not over him. Do you want me to find out if he’s seeing anyone? Maybe you still have a shot. We’ve never seen you like this before and at first it was I guess normal. Now it’s a bit depressing. What happened, Tommy?” 

“What happened is Melton is right and I am a coward,” Tommy said and then he climbed into the truck and looked away from them, glad when they didn’t talk to him the whole way back to Harbor. 

He heard about Maddie giving birth from Hen. It was a passing comment one night when he went over for dinner and Tommy found himself mourning that he hadn’t been there for Evan through all of it, especially because as Karen told it, Maddie had had a hard labor. 

He was shown pictures from Hen’s phone. The baby was tiny and already had a tuft of dark hair. He scrolled through pictures and then there he was. Evan holding the baby in his arms, the baby looking even smaller tucked right into the crook of Evan’s elbow and Evan smiling down with so much awe and love. It hurt to look at him, but Tommy couldn’t stop. 

So maybe there had been times when Tommy allowed himself to think about a future where he and Evan stayed together, one where they were married and decided they should be parents too. He’d seen Evan around kids too often, knew Evan would want to be a dad. Tommy had never longed for that or anything, but with Evan he would have wanted it. That was all gone now. 

“Oh,” Karen said. “Sorry. I forgot…”

Tommy forced himself to flip to the next picture. Another shot of Evan, this time he was looking up with the bluest glassiest eyes. He missed him. He missed him so damn much and it wasn’t fair how much. 

“Tommy,” Karen said. “Hey, are you alright?” 

“I miss him,” Tommy said. 

“I’m pretty sure he misses you too,” Hen said. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Do you have anything stronger?” 

Hen didn’t mince words. She told him point blank about how after the break up, Evan had tried to act like he was alright. Then, he’d just started to do anything he could in order to keep busy. 

“He started baking,” Hen said. “Then he started doing yoga. He started rock climbing. I think he even took an art class. Anyway, it was hard to watch but I guess it was better than if he sat at home wallowing.” 

“Like I did,” Tommy said. 

Karen grasped his wrist. “You were both hurting. What happened, Tommy?” 

“He asked me to move in and I said no.” 

“And you broke up over that?” Hen asked, surprised. 

Tommy shook his head. “No. Yes. In what world was this going to last? He only just discovered he likes men and yeah it was going well but it wasn’t forever. If we moved in together, it was going to be so much harder when we broke up.” 

“That’s…that’s bullshit, Tommy,” Hen said. “So, you broke his heart and yours so it wouldn’t happen later on.” 

“I didn’t break his—”

“You did,” Karen said. 

“Well shouldn’t he get a chance to explore what his sexuality means? Shouldn’t he get to figure that out instead of settling for the first guy he dates?” 

“And what if he wasn’t settling?” 

That kept him up all of that night. He still remembered how the conversation had gone. Evan had brought up the Abby thing and Tommy had felt put on the spot because it was the last thing he expected and then Evan had started to explain about Abby being an important relationship to him and how Tommy was just as important, the most important since, and all at once Tommy’s fears and insecurities had rushed forward because Evan and Abby hadn’t made it and now that Tommy was this gay mentor or whatever of course it wouldn’t last either. He tried to explain that to Hen and Karen and they both looked at him like he was the one that didn’t get it. 

“You need to talk to him,” Hen said. “For both your sakes.” 

“I don’t know if I can,” Tommy admitted. 

Exactly a year after it happened, he saw Evan again. 

Tommy had gone out to a gay bar because he couldn’t stay home and wallow. Lucy had also told him that he needed to put himself out there again. That if he wasn’t going to talk to Evan, then he needed to talk to someone that might give him a reason to move on. He really didn’t want to, but at the same time his right hand was getting tired and maybe some release of a carnal nature was what Tommy needed. No one had said it, but they had all kind of implied that Evan had at least gotten out there. 

He and Evan had gone to that bar once, gotten a drink and then danced a little before calling it a night and heading back to Evan’s, both of them eager to get up to Evan’s bedroom. He remembered seeing more than a few eyes looking at Evan with interest and how it had made something inside him churn because Tommy had known that if Evan was on the market again he wouldn’t have a hard time finding someone that was interested in him. 

Finding himself a free spot at the bar, Tommy ordered a beer and he tried not to think about the first few times that Tommy had gone into a gay bar and how nervous he’d been to actually put himself out there like that. 

“Hi, handsome,” a male voice said before Tommy had even gotten his beer. 

Tommy turned. “Hello.” 

The guy had floppy hair. He was lanky and thin, could probably be called a twink. He was also way too young for Tommy, probably not even in his mid-twenties. 

“So,” the twink said, hand reaching to touch Tommy’s chest right where the V of his shirt ended. “Want to have some fun?” He wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips and his hand climbed to Tommy’s neck. 

“Sorry,” Tommy said. “That’s not why I’m here.” 

“Boo,” the guy said, hand dropping away, “So why are you here?” 

“A drink,” Tommy said decisively because he knew that even if someone age appropriate were to approach him, he wouldn’t have been interested. They weren’t Evan. 

“Oh, well. It was worth trying. Though, I don’t usually get turned down twice in one night.” 

“What’s your name?” Tommy asked. 

“Owen.” 

“Well, Owen, it looks to me like there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Third time might be the charm. To be honest, you’re way too young for me and I’m still…I’m hung up on my ex.” 

Owen took a look around, but he turned back to Tommy. “Bad break up? Did he break your heart?” 

“More like I broke his and mine. Such an idiot.” 

“But, hey, you’re still hot. I could help you forget for a few hours.” 

Tommy laughed. 

Owen grinned. “Not ready for that. Must have been quite the guy.” 

“Yeah.” 

Owen wandered off and Tommy watched him strike up a conversation with another guy, someone a little closer to his age. They seemed to hit it off and next time he saw them they were out getting lost in the crowd of bodies on the dance floor. 

Tommy finished his beer and was about to order another when he heard a familiar voice. Down the bar he found Evan. He was turned away from Tommy looking to one of the tables where a man was waving. Tommy couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t see Evan flirt with someone else. He couldn’t see Evan go home with that guy. He couldn’t look away. 

Evan said something to the girl behind the bar and…wait, did he not accept the drink? Then, he saw Evan put some money down right before finishing his beer and moving to leave. 

Tommy did the same and he followed. 

Evan made it out the door just ahead of him and Tommy had to get around several people, but eventually he made it to the door and then out. Evan was just outside, arms crossed over his chest, waiting. 

“Tommy,” he said. 

His voice, the sound of his name, Tommy felt it all down to his bones. 

“Hi, Evan,” he said and he knew his voice broke on Evan’s name. 

“It’s been a year,” Evan said. 

The door opened behind Tommy and Tommy had to step out of the way, his eyes never leaving Evan because maybe Evan would disappear. 

“I know,” Tommy said. 

“It’s felt like longer,” Evan said. 

“I know.” 

“I miss you,” Evan said. 

“I miss you too.” 

Evan was quiet for a beat and then, “then, why?” 

It was high time he stopped being a coward, high time that he stopped getting in his own way or letting the past intrude on his present. 

“Because I’m the biggest idiot,” Tommy said.

Evan snorted. “You’re not wrong.” 

The door opened again bringing with it a wave of music. It was Owen, arms linked with the guy he’d been dancing with. He looked between them and laughed, shaking his head as he walked past them. 

“Maybe we should take this conversation elsewhere,” Tommy suggested. 

Tommy’s house was closer. It felt better than going to Evan’s loft, not that it stopped Tommy from remembering how it had all gone. How he’d let the door close behind him and he’d just thought that it was the right call. 

Evan followed him inside. 

“You know, it was so dumb of me to ask you to move in when you’re the one that owns his own place,” Evan said. “I was just…overcorrecting. Rushing. Trying to show you how much I wanted us to have a future.”

“And I got scared,” Tommy said and led Evan to the living room. “I was dumb too. I should never have broken up with you but, Evan, the way you were talking about Abby and me, it was like of course I was just here to be your next transformative relationship. The next thing that prepared you for…for whoever came next.”

Transformative. That word had stuck around for him, he realized. The comparison Evan had made about his relationship with Abby to their relationship. He and Evan sat down.

“Tommy, I’m—”

Tommy stood. “I’ll go get us some water.” 

He didn’t wait for Evan to respond. As soon as he was out of the room he took a few breaths. What were they doing here? What were either of them hoping to accomplish? Did Evan want to get back together? Was that…was that the right move? 

Twelve months. It had been double the amount of time that their relationship had lasted and Tommy ached for Evan. He longed for him. He still hadn’t gotten rid of any of the things that reminded him of Evan or the things that belonged to Evan either. Hell, he hadn’t even let anyone take over or make their own mark. 

“Tommy?” Evan called you. “Do you want me to come to the kitchen?” 

“I’ll be right back.” 

He grabbed and filled glasses. 

Evan had started pacing the floor. He looked distraught. Tommy wanted to grab his hands and hug him, instead he set down the water. 

“We never talked about our exes,” Tommy said. 

Evan’s gaze snapped towards him. “No, I guess we didn’t.”

“Come, sit,” Tommy said and motioned to the couch. “Evan, I think I let my past decide my future and clearly I was wrong and this last year has been miserable. I’ve missed you every day and I thought walking away was the right thing for you, but it was definitely the wrong thing for me and I just—”

He didn’t expect Evan to kiss him, but that’s what Evan did. It didn’t last long and Tommy wanted to pull him right into another kiss because it had been a year since the last time he kissed him — the last time he’d kissed anybody. 

“Evan,” he said. 

“I learned a year and a half ago that was one way of getting someone’s attention,” Evan said. “I’ve been miserable too. I hated this last year and I missed you and as much as I wanted to hate you I just love you too much.” 

Then, they were kissing again and Tommy was pressed back against his couch, Evan practically crawling into his lap. His arms were around Evan again and he really hadn’t thought that he would ever have this again, but Evan was there and he smelled amazing and he felt amazing and their lips slotted together perfectly. 

Tommy didn’t even realize he was crying until Evan pulled back and his hands were brushing away his tears and then kissing his cheeks. His nose. 

“I love you,” Evan said. “I’m in love with you.” 

His heart was soaring and he reached to cup Evan’s cheeks. “Good, because I love you too.” 

Evan smiled wide at him, pecked his lips and then just hugged him. Held him. Tommy held him back. 

“We’ll have to talk about it,” Tommy said. “I want to explain. I want—”

“Later,” Evan said. “Right now, I just want…I want to bask in this. In us.” 

[ohtobeleah]

Was It Over? // Jake Seresin

-> Chapter Four: [Parental Guidance]

Summary: Jakes Mother simply cannot understand what he saw in you, your mother simply cannot comprehend why you left Jake.

Warnings: Sick!reader. Breast cancer diagnosis. Jake Seresin x F!reader. Angst, hospital & medical inaccuracies. SLOW BURN ROMANCE/ Inaccurate medical information. Relationship turmoil. Overbearing mothers.

Word Count: 4:1k

Author Note: Mothers…Especially boy mothers can just be the worst when they’re in LOVE with their sons.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

November 1st 

Bradley Bradshaw never thought he would be the person Jake Seresin called when he was in a situation and needed help, but here he was. Sitting in his Bronco outside the house of a woman he didn't know in the early hours of the morning watching Jake stumble down the small overgrown cobblestone path. The Halloween costume Rooster had seen Jake in early that night was long forgotten as the fighter pilot wore nothing but a pair of boxer briefs with his wallet and keys in the palms of his hands. 

Immediately as soon as Jake sat in the passenger's seat of Bradleys pride and joy, he could smell the liquor trying to expel itself from Jake pores. 

“You smell like a distillery and we have a HOP at 8am.” There was a very evident disdain for Jake's current state in Roosters' tone, Jake wasn’t drunk enough to miss that. “Why are you calling me in the middle of the night to pick you up anyway? What did you do this time to warrant getting kicked out?” Jake didn't respond right away as he kept his eyes staring blankly out the window, the two had only just recently been given new orders to remain in North Island permanently. But when he did speak up, Bradley's heart ached. 

“I accidentally said my wifes name while uh–yeah.” Jake didn't think he needed to explicitly tell his wingman that, during one of the first and what Jake would consider the last one night stand he’d engaged in during your separation, he’d called out your name. “Vanessa didn't really like that.” 

“Yeah, no shit.” Bradley agreed as he drove down the street. “That's rough dude.” Bradley knew of yours and Jake's separation, Jake had told him one night at the Hard Deck after he’d asked how the family was. The two hadn’t always been on good terms but Rooster liked to think you and him were close enough to send Christmas cards to. When Jake had told him you’d left? Bradley didn’t reach out—he assumed it was for the best all things considered. 

“Yeah—but you know what’s rougher?” Jake sighed as he let his head fall back against the headrest. 

“What’s that?” 

“Knowing your wife won’t ever believe you’ll change.” Bradley knew without even looking at Jake that between the mix of alcohol and his desire to win you back that the naval aviator sitting with slumped shoulders beside him was holding back tears. “And proving her right by sleeping with some badge bunny who looked an awful lot like her.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Your home had never been so quiet with all three of your children gone. You stood in the foyer of the entryway just looking around at the mess that had been left behind. Forgotten toys yet to be put away, discarded shoes, dirty plates and cups. Pine needles that fallen from the faux Christmas tree that was essentially hanging on by its last thread. The reminisce of three young children that were allowed to be children inside the safety of their own home. 

As you wiped away the tears that you had let fall freely down from your puffy eyes, you made an effort to tidy up the house you’d be leaving in only a few short hours to leave for the hospital stay you had planned. Tiny shoes with no feet to fill, toys left unattended over the holidays simply to be replaced by newer shiner ones. 

Between now and new years while Jake had the kids in Texas your treatment plan would increase tenfold. You were scheduled for aggressive rounds of IV chemotherapy that you knew you’d have to stay in hospital for to go through, your body was barely tolerating the oral medication as it was. You were scheduled for a double mastectomy in your time at the hospital which would hopefully stop any cancerous cells from spreading to more lymph nodes and areas of your body that remained untouched. Did you have high hopes? Not particularly. But you were ready and willing to do just about anything the oncologist assigned to your particular case had recommended. 

It was going to be a rough stint, but hopefully by the time Jake returned with your children, you’d still be able to mask your diagnosis. How you were going to explain the symptoms like hair loss and suddenly having no breast tissue to Jake was something you had yet to come up with. 

But ‘New year, New me’ was looking like the best possible explanation. Maybe the new look would get him off your case a little when it came to working on your marital issues. 

As you put things back in their rightful places and tidy up, you felt your phone ringing in your back pocket. The call ID immediately made you want to cry even more than you already had been. 

“Hi mum—“ You cooed softly as you stood alone in your empty home. “I uh, I just got home.” 

“How was Jake?” Your mother asked as she drove over to yours, you could hear the difference in her voice because of the shitty ass bluetooth system she barely knew how to work properly. “Did the kids kick up a fuss?” 

“Jake was–” You would never be able to find the right words to describe your husband, well, ex-husband. “Jake was Jake mum you know how we are right now.” Your mother knew about your diagnosis. She had been the one who urged you to see a doctor after you told her you had found a rather large lump on your left breast. “And no, actually the kids were super excited to go with their dad for the holidays, I think they still don't really understand that I'm not gonna be there at all, maybe they just think I won't be there for a day or two, but uh–yeah, they were good.” 

“And how are you feeling?” It was surprisingly a rather hard question to answer as you sat down on the lounge. For the longest time you had always put your family first, made sure all their needs were met before your own. From your kids to your husband they always came first, but now? Now you had to focus on your health and put yourself first if you had any chance of getting through the next few weeks. 

“I threw up this morning–” It was your way of saying you werent travelling well at all. “After I slept with Jake–” You knew your mum would be shocked at your admission, so you closed your eyes and braced for it. The scolding, the “never sleep with an ex speech” But it never came. All that came was a sigh you couldn't tell was laced in disappointment or approval. 

“You need that man in your life darling, he's a good man, the two of you just need to work on your differences.” Your mother had always had a soft spot for Jake Seresin, for a few weeks after your initial breakup he stayed in her spare room. Jake loved your mother like his own and you knew that if you ever gave her a moment on the soap box, your mum would scream it to whoever would listen just how much you and Jake were made for one another. 

Which in your opinion was a little shitty. Jake had his own mum. You needed yours. 

“I know he's a good man mum, that's why I married him to begin with.” You sighed heavily as you laid on the lounge to ward off the dizzy spell that was threatening to throw you off balance. “But I haven't been his priority in a hell of a long time, and I owe it to myself to not go back to being a married single mother.” 

“Okay okay, well–” You knew your mum was only trying to help but it felt like the two of you had this very same conversation every time you spoke, it was like deja vu. “He won't wait around forever darling.” That fact you also knew, according to Jake himself her name was Violet or Vivian or Vanessa. Something that started with a V. Either way you knew very well that Jake wouldn’t wait around for you to take him back on his hands and knees begging. 

But at the end of the day you weren’t sure if you even wanted him to wait for you. Of course you loved Jake, with your whole heart. But right now nothing made sense to you, you were dying after all. 

“Trust me,” You rolled your eyes thinking about how Vanessa or Vicky or Veronica looked. If she looked anything like you or maybe completely different. If she had blue eyes you'd surmise that he probilby date her. “I know he won't, but he's not the priority right now, my health is.” 

“I'll be there in about an hour or two depending on traffic.” For a split second you wished it might take a little longer. Although you loved your mum dearly and appreciated everything she ever did for you, her favouritism towards your husband made your blood boil. 

“Okay, I might have a bit of a nap while I'm waiting for you, I'm feeling pretty shattered.” No word of a lie was spoken, you were exhausted to say the very least. Finally being alone and not having to be in constant caregiver mode for three young children truly had your body calling it quits. You needed sleep and so much of it. 

“I'll see you soon alright?” You mum spoke through the bluetooth that crackled and broke with the failing reception, but you heard her just barely. 

“Alright, bye mum.” You paused hesitantly as you let your eyes close “I love you.” It had been a while since you told anyone you loved them besides your kids, and for a second you wished it was Jake on the other end of the line. You did love him, probably more now than you ever had. Everything was just so messy, it wasn't fair. None of this was fair. 

“Bye Darling.” Your mum replied. “I love you too.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

“My babies!!” Janeen Seresin was in Jake's opinion, one of those women who never should have had kids, let alone four of them. Jake was the youngest of four Seresin children and the only boy. His father, Rodney, was a hard task master who no matter what Jake accomplished in his career or personal life, never seemed to be proud of the man he had become. 

“Hi Ma.” There was a pretty simple explanation for that, Jake never took a beating without getting a few punches in himself. He wasn't the kind of guy who you could beat into submission even as a teen. “Merry Christmas.” 

“Jacob oh my boy it's so good to see you.” Janeen took her youngest child in her arms in the threshold of the Sersein estate. Lavish gardens surrounded the old exposed red brick home that had been in the Seresin family for generations. Jake knew when his parents died it wasn't going to him, but to his eldest sister Julies. “Come in come in! You guys must be so tired after your flight.” 

Jake, despite being a fighter pilot who had flown some of the most suicidal missions, was a nervous flyer when he wasn’t in total control. Commercial flying wasn't something he typically enjoyed. It made him anxious at the best of times and whenever he added his children to the mix he was sure that the way his heart pounded inside his chest during takeoff was early signs of an underlying genetic heart condition he probably inherited from his father. 

“The kids are definitely a little tired, I think Sam's ears haven't really pooped either.” Jake cooed as he and his kids entered the house Jake grew up in, the overly eccentric, far too big, the annoyingly in your face house he knew you always hated. It always seemed to exemplify the two worlds you and Jake grew up in as children. 

“Grandma!” Lucy interrupted. “Mum said that Santa will know exactly where we are if we put out cookies and milk for him and carrots for his reindeer like we do at home.” Janeen chuckled at her granddaughter as Jake placed Sam on the ground to walk off with his brother to explore the mansion style home that was far bigger than the one they were used to. 

“Your mother would still have you doing those silly little things wouldn't she?” Jake bit his tongue as he watched his mother soothe a hand over his daughter's head. “Of course we can put out cookies and milk, but if I get ants you better be ready to clean them up little miss.” Lucy simply smiled and nodded in response, the dig had gone right over her six year old head. 

“God Ma you'd think you never had kids of your own before.” Jake argued in an attempt to remind his mum that his kids were only young. The magic of Christmas was important to you and him. “I'm sure Santa won't leave cookie crumbs all over the house.”  

“Santa isn't who I’m worried about making a mess–” Janeen tried to say the loud things quiet while around Jake's children, but the intent in her words was still as loud and as obnoxious as ever. “How is your mother Lulu? I’m sorry she won’t be joining us for Christmas and new years.” 

“She’s been sick the past few weeks.” Jake frowned at his mothers smile, she left little to the imagination about her opinion of you. “But she’s better now.” Jake wasn't so sure of the statement his daughter made, the way you were only on your knees this morning throwing up into the toilet bowl made him frown in response. Jake had this gut feeling he couldn’t get rid of it no matter how hard he tried not to think about it. Was something wrong with you? Like, more than just a long winded flu? Who even gets the flu for three weeks these days? 

“Oh I’m sure she is dear, right before her big trip away hey?” Ever since you and Jake separated, Janeen Seresin had been pushing for Jake to file for divorce and full custody. No one got to leave her perfect angel boy. In her eyes Jake could do no wrong, he was her angel, her precious baby boy that no woman could ever be good enough for. 

“Yeah! She’s going to the snow with a bunch of her friends Grandma.” Lucy replied, she didn’t understand her grandmother’s resentments just yet. That or it went right over the little girl's head, either way Jake was thankful for her innocence. 

“Oh I know your dads told me all about your mothers grand plans.” Janeen rolled her eyes pretty heavily at the idea you were off whoring yourself out on a ski trip out of the country while her son was tasked with looking after the three children you had with him. 

“Ma, drop it will you?” Jake urged. “She’s allowed to go away for the holidays, she’s pretty much had the kids all year.”

“And why is that?” Janeen retaliated as little Lucy walked off to find her brothers. Jake followed his mother into the dining room where festive decorations dressed the dining table. Perfectly set and prepared. A stark contrast to your old chipped four seater dining table that had soggy cheerios spilled on the top just this morning. Jake much preferred the cheerio-covered table to his mothers perfectly decorated one. 

Fuck, Jake thought to himself the more he looked around. His kids were about to mess this place up. He knew deep down that would bring you a little solace. You knew Janeen was sour on you. The idea of the kids making her life just a little more chaotic would normally make you chuckle.

“Because I live and work in North Island now, I don’t have the proper work schedule to take three kids on by myself.” That was the appropriate and only answer, but Jake knew his mother saw it differently. “I don't have to means to look after them myself–Y/n does, we both agreed on that when he split.” 

“She’s keeping those kids away from you sweetheart.” Jake couldn’t have rolled his eyes harder if he tried, he’d been home for all of what? five minutes and already his mum was disrespecting you. “You don’t see those kids nearly as much as you should and it’s her—“

“Don’t you think that’s more on me then it is on her?” Jake argued back. “Come on ma you know exactly why we separated, I wasn’t putting in what she was giving and it damn near killed her. The last thing she needs is a custody battle.” 

“What you ever saw in that woman I’ll never understand sweetheart.” Janeen cooed as she reached up to touch her son's cheek. “I always knew she was never good enough for my baby boy.” 

Jake wanted to argue, he really did, but it was Christmas and his entire family would soon be filling the Seresin estate. So Jake pressed his lips together and leaned in to press a kiss to the top of his mothers head. He didn’t want to ruin yet another family holiday. He didn’t want to be dubbed the family disappointment because of his separation. Although he knew that's exactly what he was. 

He just wanted to be loved. And at this point Jake was gonna take that love whenever the hell he could get it from. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~**

“Y/n–” At first you didn't respond, but as your mother shook you as you slept on the lounge and called your name a few more times, you finally woke up. “Y/n, babe jesus have you been asleep since we got off the phone.?” It took you a moment to come back into your body as you wiped the dry drool that had leaked from your mouth onto your cheek. The discombobulation was clearly evident to your mother as she stepped back a little to give you some space. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” You mumbled as you sat up. “I'm just really–” The all too familiar feeling of bile rising came hard and came quickly. “Oh god mum, get me a bucket!” The look of panic written in the tired lines on your face was enough for your mum to realise what was going on. 

“Oh shit hang on.” Your mother hurried into the laundry nearby and searched high and low for something you could use, but you decided soon thereafter that it was quicker if you booked it into the kitchen and puke right into the kitchen sink. “Y/n! Oh god are you alright darling?” 

For a single mother of two children, yourself and your older brother Carson, your mother did alright for the hand she was dealt. On the younger side, your mother always seemed a little ‘Childish’ in her nature and mannerisms. But she was your mum and you wouldn’t change her for anything. 

“I'm fine–I just–” You couldn't keep anything down to save your life right now, so when your body wanted to expel any form of bile it was just stomach acid and remnants of whatever you had most recently eaten. Your mother did her best to comfort you as you coughed and splatted your gagged in the kitchen sink for dear life, she could tell your body was weaker than it ever had been just from the way you trembled under her touch. 

It broke her heart to see you like this, so sick and fragile. You did well to hide it though, for what it was worth she thought you looked relatively healthy still. But it was still early on in your journey. 

“I'm so scared mum.” You cried out through gags as you stayed bent over the sink coughing and crying. This wasn’t fair, you had a family to think of, kids to watch grow, a husband to hopefully fall in love with all over again. How could whatever god was up there do this to you? Why did this happen? Why you? What had you done so wrong to deserve this untimely fate?

“It's okay I've got you baby.” Your mother cooed as she rubbed circles into your back with her open palm. “Im here, I’ve got you now, let's get you ready to go up to the hospital hey, you wanna take a shower or?” 

“Let me just brush my teeth–” You sighed as you spat into the sink to clear your throat. “I should ring Jake, make sure they got in safe.” 

“I'm sure they’re just fine, he’d call if there was a problem, let's just focus on you for once.” You didn't want to feel like you were neglecting your children but you already felt like you were. They were your entire world, putting yourself first just wasn't in your nature. But as you thought about calling, thought about just sending a text, you looked at your phone to see a missed call from Jake about twenty minutes prior and a few text to follow. 

:Lover: “Kids and I are here safe, ma’s on her fuck the ex campain already and dads nowhere to be seen.” 

:Lover: “Hope you're enjoying your kid free afternoon, safe flight tonight, text me when you get into Calgary.” 

You couldn't help but to smile as you pocketed your phone, you'd call Jake later once you were settled into your hospital room. Right now you just needed to finish packing, brush your teeth and get over to the hospital for your admission time. 

“He loves you so much.” Your mother reminded you as she followed you up to your room to help you finish packing. 

“I know he does.” You really weren't in the mood to be discussing the state of your marriage right now. “He deserves better, someone not riddled with cancer cells.” 

“Is that why you won't even consider the idea of getting back together?” Your mother was nearly flawed when you silently nodded in return. “Y/n, don't you dare–” Again, you didn't want to talk about it. Between Jake's mother not being your number one stan and your mother playing devil's advocate what seemed to be twenty four seven, you were just over everyone having an opinion. 

“Mum! He didn't care about me enough when I was healthy and happy and his wife! What makes you think he’ll care now that I’m literally dying!” You shouted as you threw a pair of extra soaks into your luggage bag. “It's not fair, none of this is, but I left him well before I got sick and me getting sick doesn't change the reason I left.” 

Your mother didn’t respond, all she did was stare at you worryingly from across your bedroom room in silence. It looked as if she was trying to figure something out, read your face, understand what was going on. Then, after a few short moments of silence she spoke. 

“Your father and I went through something very similar before he died.” Your parents had been divorced for three years before your dad died in an awfully unexpected car accident. It shattered your mum, you knew it did. “We never did get to a point where we could resolve our differences.” She explained softly as she walked over to help you pack the last few items. You let her help you fold some T-shirts, Jake's old T-shirts, as she spoke. “This past year watching you and Jake go around in circles about how much you both still love each other and how desperately he's willing to change in order to keep you is so infuriating because you, my baby girl, have already decided you're not worth loving because you’re unfortunately going through something I can't even begin to comprehend.” 

“He couldn't love me before mum.” You simply sighed in defeat, god it was like you were going around and around on a ferris wheel. “What makes you think this changes anything?” 

“That man has never stopped loving you Y/n, he just got a little lost, we all do.” 

“If you had a chance would you take dad back?” It was a question you'd never asked before purely because you were afraid the answer would be no. now? As you tried to navigate the best thing to do for yourself, you desperately hoped the answer would be yes. Perhaps then you wouldn't feel so torn about hating to love Jake Seresin and his ability to captivate your entire being. 

“Without a shadow of a doubt my dear.” You’d never seen your mother have to hold back tears so hard before in your life. She was watching her only daughter go through a battle she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy as well as trying to help you through your separation. Although sometimes unwarranted and unsolicited, she was still your mother. 

“Without a shadow of a doubt.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~**

Tags: @blindedbythelightt @starset21 @tayl0rhuynh @mamachasesmayhem @marvelogic @itsmytimetoodream @maverick-wingman @kodzukenmaaa @eternalsams @seitmai @nota-professional l @jessicab1991 91 @hardballoonlove @senawashere @lafrone @fanficfandomlove ve @withahappyrefrain @dizzybee03 @maisie-rebloging-blog @goldenseresinretriever @a-reader-and-a-writer @sunlightmurdock @shelbycillian @memoriesat30 @accioprocrastination @the-aspiring-fanfic-writer @athenabarnes

[onryosblade]

autistic hazel callahan hcs (ig?)

so . hm. hear me out. i have some random not only hcs but like "evidence" (just me rambling lets be real) of why hazel is autistic to me (or its just me projecting the recent diagnosis in my new comfort character whatever)

this is my first time doing a post so? yeah enjoy i guess :<

its a whole essay be aware!!

★THE ESSAY PART (?)★

• the way she doesn't get phrases and takes things literally like in that one scene when pj and josie are talking about the juvie thing and she is like "wait . you guys ate literal shit?" (that one scene people talk A Lot but there's more, like that one when she get "oh... so things about juvie werent real lmao ok why did u lie tho" and she seems genuinely hurt :[ oh god)

• that being said, she is easily gullible, really having the idea of "i wouldn't lie/mislead about something like this, so why would they?", the first instinct is to believe because it doesn't make sense to lie or mislead at all (exemple: the scene where the guy from the team i forgot the name tried to help her and she believe not only for this bcs because she was vulnerable, of course)

• speaking of lies, she really disliked the fact that the girls were lying to the club about what was iy really about (but that's just what every other person would think ig lol)

• she likes to organize things!!! like, the lists and every email and how she took the whole club activities so serious? omg i love her sm

• that scene where she is almost having a breakdown and doing noises and curling up in herself...

• she's stimming. all the damn time. I DONT MAKE THE RULES ITS THE TRUTH. like, literally.

anyways this is the ones i remember rn, let's go to some hcs shall we?

★AUTISTIC!HAZEL HCS★

★ ㅡ her favorite way of stimming, mainly in public, is to play with her rings or/and chain, crack her knuckles, fidget with the hem of her shirt, feel the soft fabric of her cardigan sleeves or just curl her fists around the ends of whatever long sleeve she has on that day.

★ ㅡ part of me thinks she really likes the texture of crochet or the kind of texture her clothes during the movie has, like, just sliding her nails at it almost scratching, but some days, she would absolute hate the feeling.

★ ㅡ she does have a special interest in how to make bombs but not only that, the crochet thing would be something she would really like to do, too.

★ ㅡ she likes to do lists for EVERYTHING, even silly stuff, probably does ranks of random foods once in a while out of boredom (that one is very self indulgent i must admit)

★ ㅡ when overstimulated, she usually curls into a ball and makes noises to try to self regulate (just like in the scene of the gif!).

★ ㅡ she is the type of autistic that is hyperverbal for sure, even more so with her special stuff like bombmaking ! if u want her to love you ask her about it.

★ ㅡ she have difficulty with maintaining relationships, not much starting them, so that's why she so glad she got the girls of the club to be alongside her.

★ ㅡ i like to thing the girls help her when she is in need of supporting, just like after she got beat up at the gymnasium and everyone showed up to help.

★ ㅡ moving her whole body and being overly expressive to release the pent up stress and kind of a way of stimming. her skipping everywhere would be a good one too :>

★ ㅡ she actually doesn't do that much of masking, only when very self aware like when she doesn't get a obvious joke or something, but ever since the girls became her friends, they try to help her and say "hazel... that wasn't serious, we were joking" or something along those lines and even try to explain it to her!

i think thats it for now?

i told you that was going to be long �� sorry i just needed to yap about my babie haze anyways thats it bye

[drchucktingle]

mr. dr. chuck, i'm a few months ago i told a doc of mine that i believe i'm on the spectrum (after yeeeears of considering all the reasons why i thought so) and she agreed with me. then i came to some conclusions about members of my family. then i started melting down and haven't really recovered.

i'm in my 30's, but my life feels like it's been the mistake-addled 24th year for over a decade. people, choices, wants, they feel like things that were silly blips and not of much substance. i'm tired and my body hurts, so it feels harder to get to things i need. doctors don't seem like they can be trusted because of all the other ways i show up in the world.

i'm worried about my life and my future, and it feels like my magic is gone (or that i can't touch it right now). do you have any words of wisdom for someone who found out this really big thing about themselves kind of late?

thank you.

hello buckaroo thank you for writing. first of all i will say MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember is that it is okay and valid to FEEL the way that you feel. your reaction to this news or any news really is not wrong. that does not mean you cant wish for another reaction or WORK TOWARDS another reaction, but in grand cosmic sense this is just your way. YOUR TROT IS VALID and we all have our own unique way. sometimes that path is an easy path with sunny days and smiles and a glorious view, and sometimes it is through the darkness of shadows or crawling through the old bog. we can PREFER one path over the other, but neither is WRONG.

when giving advice old chuck tries to not PROJECT what i think YOU should do because that is not really the point. this is your trot to trot and i do not think it is my place to act like some authority of your way. what chuck can do is tell you MY story of diagnosis and how it made ME feel and maybe you can take little pieces of that for yourself.

chuck learned of way on autism spectrum when i was in early twenties by doctor who said 'yes this is your way'. when i learned of my spectrum way my reaction was: wow this is very very cool i am so lucky because all of my heroes are autistic and now i am in this RADICAL CLUB. we are special and unique and DANG what a treat wish i could have a membership card in my wallet to show all my buds.

now obviously this is not everyones reaction, but as starting off point i wonder what it would have meant to my future if the news would have HIT ME IN A BAD WAY. if i would have felt let a dang robot alien who didnt belong. maybe id be swimmin through the bog ever since.

thing is I LIKE ROBOT ALIENS they are very cool. doctor did not MAKE me different, i was different already, our talks just popped a nice little name on it for me to take or leave. i took the name proudly because DATA from stars trek (certified robot alien) is exactly how i already felt and dang what a cool character and dang what a great life. so was DAVID BYRNE. so was every cool buckaroo artist that i liked. cowboys are OUTSIDER HEROES and that is how my autism makes me feel.

so like i said, i do not know about YOUR way, but MY WAY of hearing this news was heaps of joy and excitement. i will also say that it is very DIFFICULT to find this reaction later if your first leap is feeling in a sad way about it. so maybe if you want to trot back in your mind to those first few steps it would be helpful. maybe mentally trot to where you were pushed off a dang cliff and think "well was i pushed off a cliff or was i just told 'hey bud youve been floating this whole time?"'

because if youve been floating then DANG thats a lot of power. thats not falling. you can float up, you can float down, you can float side to side.

the next thing i will say AS AND ARTIST is that years of toiling and feeling aimless are NEVER actually aimless when it comes to creation. and to LIVE in a human body is to be an artist, because you are CONSTANTLY CREATING the future. when i am writing and i dont have an idea for my next book that can be frustrating, but it is also PART of the process. if i walk to the store to rustle up my mind, or wander around the park, or spend a whole WEEK feeling weird because of writers block THAT IS ALL PART OF MAKING GREAT ART. that is not wasted time. in other words, your years of toiling are not wasted time, that is just the process we all have when we are creating a future masterpiece.

[swissboyhisch]

New York Luck

Pairing: Mat Barzal x Reader

Summary: After a lovely holiday, your partner breaks up with you and so you turn to your only friend in the city.

Word Count: 1055

A/N: I'm not super happy with this. I feel like it's rushed but I want to put it out anyway.

<< PREVIOUS

THE MASTERLIST JOIN THE TAGLIST HOCKEY DISCORD

Why is it that every time you come to New York, something bad happens. The last time you had gotten your shitty diagnosis. This time your current boyfriend and yourself had decided to go on a holiday to Hawaii for a week and of course, an hour after landing back in New York he decided to break your heart.

Something about not being ready for a relationship. Apparently. And here you were ready to tell him I love you on your holiday but held back because he was a little distant at night. That’s why you’re now standing in a Walmart; wearing a pair of sunglasses trying to find food.

Sadly you can’t even go home. In three days you have to have another surgery. A different one to the last time you were in New York. Now you’re stuck in the city, alone and crying your eyes out. Dealing with health issues and a break up. What a great combo. And to make things worse, you can’t even drink away your emotions!

Aisle by aisle, you grab chocolate, some cupcakes, cheese and crackers, a bit of everything. Oh and a bottle of coke, can’t forget it. That’s when you heard a familiar voice calling your name. You turned to where the voice came from. 

“Mat?”

One of the few people you knew in the city. Mat wasn’t a stranger to you. Quite the opposite actually. The pair of you grew up together then reconnected later on once he had been drafted. After a couple hook ups since the reunion, you two were close when you did meet up.

“Are you okay?” Mat questions, spying your reddened cheeks just under your glasses. 

“I uh… Yeah,” You tried to brush it off. Discreetly wiping the stray tears that dripped down your cheeks. “Just some personal stuff.”

The hockey player wasn’t buying it. He had known you long enough to see through your lies. Even if they were really bad like the one you just told. “Okay, what’s up? I know that’s a lie. You were literally just in Hawaii.”

“Stalking my insta?” You joke weakly.

“Gotta see what my favourite girl is up to.”

That made your heart hurt more. Here Mat was calling you that where as your ex could barely call you his girlfriend in front of his friends. God, you thought your relationship was great. Fuck. How could you be so blind. 

“Yeah we got back this morning and then he broke up with me an hour after we landed.”

Mat immediately brought you in for a hug. “Shit. He’s an asshole for that.”

“Doesn’t help I have surgery friday,” You add, sniffling.

“Another one?” Mat sighs. “He’s a coward for breaking up with you before that. It’s a dick move.”

You shrug off the comment. “I’d rather him do it now then drag it out. Now I can just focus on myself. Gonna get snacks and have a night in my hotel. Maybe get ice cream from the place next door.”

“Can I join?” Mat asked. 

“Are you sure?”

Matt agreed and the two of you finished grabbing snacks for the night and finished Mat’s shopping. He brought groceries for his apartment so the two created a plan. First, drop off Mat’s groceries to his apartment. Then head to your hotel to have a chill night. 

You two arrived back at your hotel, which was quite a fancy one since you and your partner had planned to stay there together. First, before retreating to your bedroom, you stopped by the ice cream place and got way too much. Enough that Mat’s nutritionist would cry at the thought of the hockey player consuming all that sugar. 

“This is nice.” The two of you walked into the nice hotel room. A modern style hotel room on the 9th floor. A king sized bed in the middle with the bathroom off to the left as you walked in. There was even a window with a blind in the shower. “Have you stayed here before?”

“Yeah, my ex worked nearby so I’d stay when I’d come to visit him,” You respond.

Mat grabbed the bag of snacks and put that on the counter, wrapped you in a hug and dragged you onto the bed. The smell of his cologne filled your senses. Despite your old hook up ways with Mat, the familiar scent still gave you butterflies.

“I wanna have a shower and get into my pyjamas,” You sighed, pulling away from Mat. You grabbed some clothes and went to go to the bathroom when a sulking sound came from the boy laying on your bed. When you looked at him, he was pulling the puppy's eyes. “What? Do you wanna join?”

“Please?” You giggled and agreed, leaving him to join you when he wished. “Thank youuuu!”

The bathroom was really modern. A large mirror in front of the sink and a huge shower with a rainfall head. Your favourite type of shower. After turning on the water to your preferred temperature, you stripped and got into the shower. The water felt calming as you stood under the stream. 

“Heya,” Mat mutters as he slips into the shower. 

You leaned into the hockey player as he wrapped his arms around you. This wasn’t the first time you had showered with him. But let’s just say usually, a simple shower wasn’t just that. 

“Are you okay?” Mat asks as you’re unusually quiet around him. That question just makes you break. A flood of emotions coming through. Mat was quick to pull you closer, tight against his naked body as you started to sob. “He’s an idiot.”

“What’s wrong with me?” You cried.

“Nothing. I promise you it’s him. He’s the worst person for doing this to you. He’s the problem.”

Once you had calmed down and the two of you had finished washing, you changed into your pyjamas and cuddled up on bed with a ton of snacks surrounding the pair of you. Mat had signed into his Disney. You allowed him to pick what the two of you would watch for the night. When you saw the intro it solidified the hidden feeling for him. It was your favourite show.

“Thanks for this,” You mutter to Mat.

The brunette kissed the top of your head. “Always.”

TAG LIST

@findapenny @mp0625 @hischierhaze @11zegras @lvrzegras @francesfarhadi @cixrosie @daisysthings

[upslapmeal]

Notes from the Taskmaster 16x10 recording

The last two episode recordings I went to, I meant to make comprehensive notes when I got home afterwards that I would be able to look back at and post when the episode aired. I did not, in fact, end up doing that. So this time I was determined to have lots of notes, and made them on the go in the breaks in recording. However. They were made in a rush and I never went back through them to pad them out (you'd really think I would have learned by now). So instead of just having to rely on my memory, I ended up with an almost coded list of words and phrases that it's taken me pretty much 2 weeks to sit down and decipher lol. So with that said:

the pre-episode Greg-Alex entertainment was Greg getting Alex to sing a song about a recent news story to the tune of a song suggested by the audience - in this case it was Trump's lawsuit (the one in May 2023 since there are...a few) to the tune of Wuthering Heights

Alex really went for the whole live thing, and was constantly referring to it throughout the episode

when the contestants came onstage, I obviously first saw Sam in his bright colours and blond hair

we were right on the back balcony and my first impression from that distance was that he kinda looked like Jamie Laing lol

Greg made a passing comment about how he's been dressing in grey but I was completely taken by surprise when the vt rolled and he looked completely different!

I had assumed he'd actually buzzed his hair and didn't realise it was a wig until the ep aired

Sue made comments throughout the episode about how Sam looked like Dahmer

Lucy's prize task story, unsurprisingly, went on for ages and included a whole story about the holiday they went on that I tragically cannot remember

I was so glad they didn't cut 'untaffled' because I looked through my notes before again before watching the episode and couldn't for the life of me remember what she'd said

Greg's said that his immediate response to naked Alex in the prize task was that he was 'smooth like an eel'

After Julian's prize task there was a discussion about how people wanted to be buried, and at one point (I wish I could remember the conversation leading up to this) either Greg or Alex said they would be buried 'together forever in the Victoria monument'

There was a whole long debate about whether Sam intended to use nature as part of his doughnut task, and whether the bird toppling Ms Doughnut to her death should be counted

Greg told Sam to 'convince me to give you 3 points'

Sam went on talking about how amazing nature is and how we're all connected and at one point said 'consider the statistics.....3000' (I'm 99% sure this is what he said and I didn't just forget the rest of the quote)

Julian's exercise name was absolutely not a one-off, to the point they started running a 'cunt count' for the episode

Sue talked about how she had recently had an ADHD diagnosis, and that she kept viewing tasks holistically rather than paying attention to the details. This was specifically in relation to the exercise where she just did the same thing 4 times

I'm not sure if we saw the full extended version of Hotel Taskmaster, but we definitely saw a cut that included more than the aired version (though tbh I think they do that for most tasks and I just noticed this one bc we got the extended version)

We got an 'I put it to you' from Greg that Alex-as-Qrs looked genuinely cool

Lucy described Alex as having 'tight metallic buns' which Greg later referred to as his 'robot arse'

I cannot stress how much of a breakdown Susan had in the studio about the forks and marbles - you get a glimpse in the episode but that was nothing!

Susan also took AGES to do her throw in the live task - she kept on being about to throw before being interrupted, or saying her arms were too short, or that she needed a wee, or having a fit of giggles, and the longer it went the worse it got lol

Greg and Alex also had a go at it, and Sue wanted another go without the pressure. Greg and Sue got the ball in but Alex didn't

Don't ask me to remember the context, but at one point during the record, Greg told a story about someone he knew (whose name he said he would tell the others backstage) who would have sex in a cow mask and would demand 'LOOK AT ME!!!'. Anyway that was referred back to a few times in the ep

When Sam was given the trophy he just stood near-motionless with it for what felt like ages before we got to the hugs and everything

And now we enter the magical world of ~what on earth was this note referring to~ where I just hope someone else who was there (@politicalprocrastinator how's your memory?) sees this and can fill me in on what I've forgotten:

At some point around the prize / first task I wrote 'correct dog guess'. Whose dog? What was being guessed? Absolutely no idea

At some point there was a joke about the 'former Prime Minister', I think the idea being that by the time the episode aired we'd inevitably have a new PM? but I honestly can't remember

Someone called someone else submissive in a way notable enough for me to have written 'submissive' as a one-word bullet point, but not notable enough for me to actually remember

And now three bullet points which I will present in their original form:

Birthday

Bum hole in back

Get in bath

[eccentricgrace]

juice jam || IronDad

summary: peter and tony go out for smoothies, they get interrupted by some annoying paps.

tags: fluff, protective tony stark, banter, paparazzi, tony stark acting as peter parker's father figure

wc: 2,563

cross-posted to wattpad under the same name!

"Your pick is fine, I'm not saying it's not!" Peter argued back quickly, his eyes wide. On his own tongue, the cold icy fractals of his far more delicious Pink Starburst smoothie. "I'm just saying it's not the best one on the entire menu, that's all."

Tony held the foam cup of his Chocolate Moo'd in a protective vice grip— which is basically blended chocolate frozen yogurt —and screwed up his face. He lowered his shades with an inelegant poise and a good serving of disgruntlement. "Pete, you're drinking a smoothie that is literally called 'candy in a cup'. I think I'll take my own advice and hold off from the type two diabetes diagnosis for a few more years."

"Okay," Peter said. "Okay. Okay. But you haven't even tried it. I bet you'll admit mine is better if you try it. Ned did. He didn't believe me at first either, he refused to say anything was as good as the strawberry banana one."

"I'm inclined to agree with him just to tick you off."

Peter huffed and put the half-guzzled cup on the table. He pushed it towards Tony. "Just try it. You're so grumpy, Mr. Stark. For no reason."

"'No reason,' he says," Tony mumbled, reaching for the bright pink smoothie. "As if you didn't come into my smoothie haven, my church of juice, and begin spewing— spewing blasphemy."

Peter hid back his smile.

Tony had picked him up from school today. Plans were to have sitcom-takeout night with May, but as they were getting into the car, Peter had gotten a message about her having to work late. With their plans changed, and both of them damp with the autumnal rain that was nasty and cold the way New York rain usually was: of course the best way to waste time and beat the cold was even colder smoothies.

They were at the Jamba Juice at Rockefeller Plaza, which in itself was a feat considering the company he was in. Tony was wearing his "disguise", which really only consisted of his shades, a hat, jeans, and a hoodie pulled over his head. Nobody had noticed them yet.

Peter couldn't help but wonder what people saw when they looked at them in the corner of the store. The way they bantered sometimes, the ease of which they moved in each other's company— they'd been referred to as "father and son" more than once by cashiers and waiters alike. It was a nice compliment, to be seen that close to someone he looked up to. He could keep it tucked very secretly under his sleeve, for no other purpose than to keep him warm.

(And maybe sometimes he wondered how Tony felt whenever someone said something like that. The casual "I'll get a table for you and your son" or "you and your son look so alike!")

Tony took a sip of the pink smoothie, staring blankly ahead of him. Peter watched expectantly for something dramatic— his eyes to light up, his brows to raise, his hands to be thrown in the air with the angry astonishment of being proven dead wrong.

Instead, Tony sighed, put the cup down. Indignantly went to his own drink, furiously sipping at the straw. Peter's smile grew.

Then, finally:

"Fine."

"Yes!" Peter burst with victorious laughter, reaching over the table and taking his smoothie back. "I told you! I told you so. I would never lie about this. It's too important."

"Oh, so this is too important for you to lie, but when you had that little injury the other day, it wasn't?" Tony asked, a dry smile plastered on his face. "Is that what you're saying to me right now? Your poor old man?"

Peter's grin turned guilty, and he quickly went back to finishing the second half of his smoothie.

"Geez," Tony commented with amusement. "Ease up on that straw, you're gonna go into one of your spider-hibernation things. The middle of a Jamba Juice is not the time or place, kid."

"I think it's the perfect time and place, actually. Really truly. I can feel myself getting sleepy just thinking about it."

"Har har. What a comedian you are," Tony said, sliding out of the booth. He stuffed his phone back into his pocket. "You ready to go?"

"Yep!"

Peter wiped his hands of the sticky, watered-down juice that had dribbled down the side of the cup, and stood.

As he did so, the back of his spine began to buzz. He heard a series of shuddering clicks, and he narrowed his eyes to look around the small space.

"What's going on?" Tony asked casually, but there was an undertone of something distinctive in its quality for fixing things. He had clearly taken notice of whatever changed in Peter's face, because this was the voice he only used when they were dealing with Spidey extracurriculars.

Peter forced his shoulders to relax. He scratched at his face, half-covering his mouth, and lowered his voice to say: "Dunno. Someone's watching us."

Tony hummed impassively, but Peter saw his eyes sharpen, he saw the way the heads-up display of his glasses lit up faintly from behind the dark lense. He subtly scanned over the joint, like Peter did, and finally landed on something outside the window.

"Paparazzi," Tony said simply. He sighed deeply and began to shuck off his hoodie and hat. "Alright, kid. Pop quiz, listening? Trade."

"Uh," Peter helplessly let the trash in his hands be taken, and instead grabbed hold of the hoodie that was tossed into his hands. "I guess?"

"Put those on." Tony walked over and threw both of their cups and napkins in the trash. He walked back and smoothed over the wrinkles on his dress shirt. "Do you smile at the camera people?"

"Yes?" Peter guessed, his voice muffling through the fabric of the thick hoodie he was wrestling over his head. (Funnily enough, Tony's old clothes were all slowly becoming his size. It's crazy what a growth spurt and benching the equivalent of like, forty trains on a daily basis can do to a physique.)

"Wrong. Never smile at the paps," Tony shoved the hat over Peter's head, a baseball cap of the Yankees, which he as a proud Queens born-and-raised local would pretend not to be personally offended by. "They're gonna ask you a bunch of questions, are you gonna answer them?"

"No," Peter said, more sure of his answer this time.

"Good job." Tony reached over and fit the hood snuggly down on his head, drawing the strings in a little. "Are you gonna look at them?"

"No—" Peter squirmed as Tony started to mess with the hat to further cover his head. "Mr. Stark, is all this really necessary? I mean, they already got a picture of my face earlier!"

"Believe me, they're not gonna have that picture by the end of the day, and I don't intend to give them anymore." Tony patted him on the shoulder. "Alright, you're all set. Listen, this part is important: stay close to me, don't get lost in the crowd, and absolutely don't listen to anything they say. They're gonna try to provoke a reaction from you. Don't buy into it."

"Okay," Peter gave a smile, while a weak, uncomfortable laugh bubbled out from his chest. "I think I got it. I still don't get why you think they'd care about who I am, though. I'm not the celebrity, you are. They're not gonna care about some—"

"Spider-baby-asking-questions time is over," Tony said, raising his eyebrows. "The more we stand here, the more cameras there's gonna be when we finally get out on the street. Time to go."

"I—" Peter blubbered for a second, and then followed Tony quickly as he turned to the door. Stay close.

Peter learned quickly that Tony walked very fast when paparazzi were involved. He also learned quickly that paparazzi were the closest human equivalent to mosquitos in the summer heat. They swarmed, an entire bloodthirsty group that materialized out of seemingly nowhere, and they were so loud, all buzzy and everything.

He clumsily dodged through bright flashes of the most cameras he'd ever seen, never less than two feet from Tony at all times. If he wanted to, he could count maybe seven different people shouting questions at him, even more shouting at Tony.

"Kid! Look here! Hey! Hey, over here— Hey! Give me a smile! Can you smile for us? Hey, Tony!"

"Mr. Stark! Few questions for the record? What are you doing with a kid?"

"Hey, look over here! I've got a few questions for— Can you spare a minute of your time?"

Tony was valiant as he weaved through the mob, only glancing back every few seconds to make sure Peter was behind him and in sight. The occasional sarcastic comment that brought Peter back to watching YouTube interview compilations way before all of this.

Anyways, he made it look so easy, all of it practiced and seamless, which made sense after Peter remembered that his mentor practically grew up in all of... this. He wondered if Tony would tell him any horror stories of dodging this when he was a kid— he wondered if he even wanted to know.

"Tony, just a second! What happened with the Accords? Have you heard from Captain America?"

"Look over here! Here! Mr. Stark, who is that?"

"Kid, what's your name? Look here for us! Hey!"

He and Tony had almost made it to the car, and Peter was following all the rules. It was harder to not smile than he thought, solely because this whole thing had rapidly become increasingly intolerable, and Peter had a habit of smiling when he was nervous, but he was doing well so far.

In fact, it helped a lot to focus on how miserable it all was, really. When he felt a nervous smile coming on, he just redirected his attention to the cacophony of camera shudders that were assaulting his very sensitive eardrums, or the people yelling over each other, or even the general sound of several shoe pairs scraping over asphalt and concrete. Sensory hell. Don't even get him started on the flashing lights.

"Hey kid, get his attention for us!"

Peter's whole body buzzed loudly, and then he was yanked back by the wrist.

He was fine. Obviously he was fine. Maybe shaken, maybe even the tiniest bit impressed by the audacity, but he was Spider-Man, and he was capable of simply jerking his arm back— which he did.

The facts above apparently didn't matter in the slightest to Tony, because when Peter met his gaze again in the crowd, there was something in it so angry that his lungs went tight with alarm.

"Did you just grab him?" Tony said dangerously, staring at the offender with a blazing fury in his eyes. "Did you fucking grab him? You do that again you're getting amputated by the fucking limb, you hear me?"

He pushed back through the crowd and took hold of Peter's sleeve. Cameras flashed. Peter's face was a bright, embarrassed, cherry red. Tony was breaking his own rule, mortifyingly, just because of him. Oops.

"I'm sorry," came the voice of a man who absolutely didn't sound sorry. "I apologize sir, I just wanted a few lines for an article—"

"Oh, yeah, you wanted a few lines? I'll give you a few lines, buddy. What's your name? What company do you work for? Huh?"

Tony was yelling. Yelling like Peter had never seen him yell before, and the cameras continued to rattle and blind his peripheral vision. He tried tugging at his arm down to get Tony's attention, because the grip Tony had on his sleeve was firm enough to make his knuckles white and he'd surely notice the slightest movement.

"Mr. Stark, we gotta go," Peter tried. "C'mon."

Tony, his face still snarled up like the protective thorn of a blackberry bush, hesitated then. He schooled his expression into something tight-lipped and lock-jawed, and then steamrolled forward to the car.

As soon as they got in, Tony quickly locked their doors, and Peter let out the breath he'd been holding. He reached up and pulled the hood off, then tossed the hat to the backseat.

"Wow. That was—"

"Are you okay?" Tony asked, the stiffness never leaving his posture.

His eyes were darting all over Peter for any other signs of injury or distress. They lingering especially on his wrist for a moment, then Tony reached for his arm gently and scanned over the area with stressed meticulousness. His eyebrows furrowed, his trembling thumb trailing lightly over the skin.

"I'm all good," Peter promised, his eyes wide. "Really, I'm totally okay, no bruises, no breaks."

Tony looked... bad.

His eyes shot back up to Peter's, and there was a lot of guilt in the way they narrowed. If he didn't know any better, he'd say Tony even looked misty. Admittedly, that was horrifying; like it always was watching a trusted adult break down a little.

He always hated it when May cried, but she did cry— after a bad shift, or a sad movie, or one of those pet commercials on television, Peter always heard the tell-tale sniffle at his side, and the way she always would look up as if it would stop the tears. (It never did.)

But that was May, and Tony was not May. This just was different. Tony Stark didn't cry. Tony Stark was Iron Man, he was invincible, surely he wouldn't shed a tear just because some stranger grabbed his wrist a bit too tight.

Peter frowned. "Mr—"

Tony let go of his arm, then turned the key into the engine. He sniffed once, and didn't look back at Peter. "FRIDAY, I want all those articles and photos deleted as soon as they hit the web. Kid, seatbelt on."

"Yes, sir."

The car went silent, except for the anxious drumming of Tony's hands against the steering wheel. After a few long moments, even that had subsided. Tony seemed calm enough now that Peter's curiosity sparked up again.

"You looked at them," Peter spoke up. He looked at Tony through the corner of his eye. "You, uh... talked back to them too. Kinda broke your own rules."

"Yeah." Tony shrugged. "Well, rules kind of mean jack to me if I think you're in danger. Part of the job."

"The job?"

"Taking care of you. Making sure you're safe, protected, happy, healthy, learned, and whatever," Tony said, one hand coming off the wheel to make aimless gestures as he spoke. "You know, the job."

Peter's definitely heard of all of those responsibilities. The thing is, he heard them in some health class lesson, listed as the job description for a parent.

"The job," Peter repeated quietly.

Tony shrugged again. He turned at an intersection. "Yeah. Whatever, I read mentoring books. I'm a good student."

"Right."

"You sure you're okay?" Tony asked again, glancing over, giving him a quick scan. "Adrenaline should be worn off by now, huh? Still nothing hurts?"

"No," Peter said, feeling like he was in some kind of accidental-pseudo-father-acquisition daze. He blinked a few times at the sudden alarm in Tony's expression. "I mean—No, nothing hurts. I'm all good."

The relief again, palpable in the air as Tony relaxed in his seat. He nodded quickly and finally turned onto the Queensborough bridge. "Good. That's good. Alright. Great. This was fun, kid, huh? You had fun?"

"Yeah, definitely," Peter agreed easily. He let himself smile. He felt light. "It was a lot of fun."

"Good," Tony returned his smile. "Let's get you home to Aunt May, then."

"Yeah," Peter sat back in his seat. He turned the radio on and smiled comfortably. "Okay."

[kickthecan-revolution]

The first person I talked to today in the waiting room was Mark. I met he and his partner yesterday I think? He’s getting radiation for basal cell carcinoma on his face, just six rounds. I mostly talked to his partner yesterday but she wasn’t there today. He asked me a lot of questions about my experience and then I asked a few of my own about his – he used the phrase “mental thought traffic” that I really like. They called him away abruptly, but he came back to say goodbye and to catch my name again. He radiated kindness, that sounds cheesy, but it’s true

The second person was Michael. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back, he had sat down. The only chair was right next to him, kind of close, but of course we’re all wearing masks so I only worried about it a little. He immediately started talking to me and told me his life story – gay, his partner died years ago, and he adopted his partner’s niece as his daughter. He moved into his parents’ home here in San Francisco after they died, they bought it 50 years ago. He has chestnut brown hair and the most beautiful skin – it was very hard for him to talk, clearly something was going on with his mouth. I was shocked when he told me he was 75- he leaned in and whispered, “it must be the hair dye”. I said no, it’s your beautiful skin! At the dentist, they found tongue, cancer, two months later he broke his hip and had to have another operation, and then two months after that, his oncologist found more cancer in the lymph nodes. I don’t know what his diagnosis is or life expectancy, that’s not a question that you really ask. He talked about how the hip replacement was more vulnerable and frightening than the cancer and he really doesn’t ever want to leave his house but he may have to if he gets older and doesn’t have anyone to take care of him.

He is a historian by profession, and I learned some things about Germany before World War II I had no idea about. I could’ve listened to him for hours, he was fascinating and so lovely and said his first crush was on Hawkeye from MASH / he probably shared that crush with both men and women.

He got called away abruptly and we gave each other a hug goodbye. Then it was my turn, they used a machine where I could watch my breath move from a big circle to a small one and I had to hold it in the small circle as long as they told me to. At first it freaked me out, I know that holding your breath is critical in radiation but then I got competitive with it and wanted to hit the small circle each time.

A few hours after I was done, I had an acupuncture appointment. I did not bet on sitting with my acupuncturist, both of us crying in the darkened office. I feel like my life is so fractured across so many of these kind of strangers that I occasionally feel very close to. It’s surreal.

Nine down, 11 more to go. I am over it, but I think I’m just exhausted and not feeling well from the infusion. It’s all doable.

[amberjazmyn]

you stayed (alt ending of "whenever you're ready, bug") 💔🫶

pairing : max verstappen x fem!younger sister verstappen reader & f1 grid x platonic!fem younger sister verstappen reader

summary : whilst max verstappen's younger sister always seemed to draw the short straw in her life, what if she actually survived and beat her cancer? what if she actually never died at the 2024 mexican grand prix and she was actually a young adult during the time of the mexican grand prix? what if she made it past all of her birthdays? what if her short straws were actually never short to begin with and they just needed some tender loving care to grow properly? 

warnings : happy ending, older brother x max, terminal illness, crying, flashbacks

a/n : the og was done for kian egan from westlife and then jared padalecki but now i've done max verstappen. i have also messed with the timeline so the first part is kind of the "alternate ending" if you will where the first one is she's younger when she dies during the mexican grand prix whereas in this one, the "og one" she's actually a lot older by the time it gets to the 2024 mexican grand prix. which i know sounds fucking confusing but please hear me out alright! so, in the first part, i had the mexican grand prix happen in 2024 and have willow be nine years old, however, in this version, she's eighteen and it was a dream she had in her "alerted" cancer state when she was nine that she had died during the mexican grand prix 2024 but as a nine year old if that makes sense. 

willow verstappen was eight-years-old when she was diagnosed with cancer. she already wasn't considered a "normal kid" because of who her family was, the verstappens. however, the moment the young girl and her mum and older brother heard the news of the heartbreaking diagnosis, they knew exactly how the press and other kids willow's age would react. to the other kids and everyone else, not only did willow's brother and his fame make the girl weird but her new cancer diagnosis made her even weirder and as though she was an exhibit in a museum.

when willow was nine-years-old when her brother and his f1 grid were starting their last race before a three week break before their next triple header, there was a moment. during the mexican grand prix, the last race before a three week break that was before the triple header that everyone, including willow herself, thought she wasn't going to make it through the entire day and wake up the next morning. but, she did wake up the next morning. she opened her eyes the next morning and cried out for her brother who was in mexico. in a rage of emotions, their sister victoria verstappen, rang their brother max in a frenzy of her own emotions. 

thinking the worst, max was mere seconds away from dropping everything at the mexico grand prix. that was until he heard the very voice he had thought, imagined, he would never hear again. he then stopped for a moment and took that as his chance to just breathe. his little sister was alive and she was okay 

willow's pov | flashback to cancer diagnosis

i could tell my mum and brother felt like the walls in the doctor's office was closing in on them. they, like me, never imagined to be getting this news. after all, it was just supposed to be just another regular hospital trip for me, eight-year-old willow verstappen.

whilst i wasn't in the office with my mum and max, whilst my doctor, dr phelps, told them, i could still hear them. especially when it's realised that the hospital is never as soundproof as one thinks, "...mr verstappen? max, did you hear what i just told you?" dr phelps questioned my brother, who until now had never really called him by his first name as max responded after blinking a couple of times

"no, sorry, what did you say? could you please repeat that?" it was obvious that max was still so far away from dr phelps' office mentally, doing his best to not tune out a second time since it was important news that dr phelps was telling my mum and brother

"i was saying that, with willow's recent diagnosis of terminal cancer, she can still try chemotherapy and maybe a little bit of radiotherapy but we are not certain that it'll work in the way it usually would if we had seen it earlier..."

ahh, yes, i could see the wheels in my brother's head start to turn as he realised what the conversation was about. his younger sister, me, had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and were having a conversation about the roads of treatment for me. and just how successful they could be for a small eight-year-old who had many ailments before this new one. as i watched from the waiting room, i could tell that max could feel a cry building in his throat, mum also feeling it as well, holding his hand tightly as i knew they both wished they were anywhere but in dr phelps' office at this moment.

i watched as max continued the conversation, "...ah, umm, so, theoretically speaking, if my sister...willow, was to undergo a round or couple of chemotherapy and maybe radiotherapy, how long would you say we'd have her with us, realistically?" max gulped as i watched the way he fiddled with the scrunched up tissue in his palm as he squeezed mum's hand with his other hand

dr phelps paused before he continued, "now, max, i really couldn't tell you because this is so new and so late in finding the cancer in willow's system that we truly have no idea how long it could potentially prolong her life but, once the chemo and radiotherapy do start, then we can start estimating things like that..." dr phelps responded as i could tell that max felt his heart shatter

our mum feeling like she was holding all of his heart and hers together. max's face almost crumbling as he then turned away from the dr when he caught a glimpse of me. which i quickly turned my head to make it seem as though i was in conversation with his f1 teammates, daniel and charles, who had lovingly put their hands up to take care of me whilst the other drivers put their hand up to take care of kelly and penelope, once again, jos and the step-siblings nowhere to be found

hesitating to turn his head back around, he quickly did so before continuing on, making me turn to look back at my mum and brother and dr phelps, "...she doesn't deserve this..." hearing my brother so heartbroken and his voice so croaky from his tears was not something i'd ever heard before as he brought his tissue up to cover his face, mum comforting him whilst dr phelps sighed solemnly

"...no, she doesn't max, no one her age does. she's so young but, unfortunately, these things happen and it's absolutely cruel but i promise, we'll do everything we can to make sure your little girl has the best chance of surviving and beating her cancer since she was so strong during all of her other surgeries and ailments," dr phelps was confident in the idea that once again, i was going to survive another diagnosis

but heartbreakingly, i could tell mum and max thought otherwise and it seemed as though, in my eyes, i too thought the same thing as my mum and brother.

as mum, max and dr phelps continued to chat, i silently slipped my hands into both of daniel and charles' hands since i was sat in the middle of them. i was absolutely terrified and it didn't take a genius for daniel and charles to figure it out either and the looks we shared with each other weren't as helpful as we hoped they'd be.

present time

as i remebered the day i was diagnosed, i remembered that i didn't cry like i had imagined myself i would have. because if you know my family well, most especially my parentals but specifically my dad (hauk tuh - and not in that way, jos verstappen), my family is not known to be an emotional family. that is, discounting me, i am the one in the family that basically carries all the emotions for the entire family. like, to the point that max has made fun of me in many f1 press conferences about it that the reason he isn't as emotional about things is not only by our dad's fault but also by the fault that i took all of the tears in the family. so the fact i didn't cry after my cancer diagnosis is something i'm just realising years later at nearly nineteen years old and that's insane to me. completely insane because at eighteen, nearly nineteen, i'm still the crybaby that i was until my cancer diagnosis.

right now, i was hanging out with penelope, the little girl of max's girlfriend kelly piquet. she was very young, an actual toddler, when i was going through my cancer and it's something that she genuinely does not rememeber well whereas my little step-sister blue jaye, who was maybe slightly older than penelope, has some lingers of memories here and there. i have been told though that there are times that she, penelope, does have vague memories and it makes her really upset and panicky. but what makes her upset and panicky is because she can't remember everything about it, only small little pieces of it. since then, the verstappen family has grown thanks to father verstappen having yet another wife, which is lucky number three apparently but that's okay. 

but, going back to hanging out with penelope, we were literally just getting ready to head out to the beach since i could drive and had my own car now. and, because of that, i could drive us down since mum was busy with victoria's littles and max and kelly were on a date night hence why i had penelope with me. everything was completely fine and happy as penelope and i got ready together, penelope on one side of my room and me on the other. but, i was taking a bit longer, penelope had popped her head over the divider to check in on me. i was no longer fine and happy. as i slipped on my bikini and reached up to grab my surfboard and wetsuit, i had caught a glimpse of all my scars and my porthole where i could get my chemo put in. it was really the first time i had seen it since i had been named in remission and by every technicality, cancer-free. and i hadn't realised how traumatising and ugly the scars and porthole actually was until this moment. the moment which i actually took a moment to stop and look at it after actively avoiding my glance from it for so many years.

and i cried.

i cried my eyes out nearly nine whole years after my initial diagnosis.

i hadn't cried this much or this hard i don't think since i had told victoria that i thought i was going to die during the mexican grand prix. and obviously, hearing and seeing penelope peak over meant that she had heard my break down into tears. and usually, similar to mum and max, but especialy max, i'd usually try to hide it in front of the littles, especially penelope. but, this time, i just couldn't. not because i couldn't control my tears but because i needed to stop hiding my emotions from my family, including kelly and penelope.

after her knock, i heard her voice and it made me smile, "...you okay willow?" she asked as i tearfully giggled, wiping my hand underneath my nose

"you can come back to my side of the room if that's what you're asking p, i'm fully dressed now," i tearfully chuckled as i turned away slightly from the divider and looked back at myself in my full-length mirror

i then heard the divider slightly creek as penelope walked back to my side of the room. she then noticed me in the mirror and her face fell as she saw my tear-stained face. immediately, she rushed over and pulled me in for a hug as she quickly noticed what it was that i was staring at in my reflection. my porthole and other scars being the first thing that started penelope's memories of me having cancer whilst she was a toddler.

and then, the next thing she said was the utmost sweetest thing in the world and made me cry even more, "don't let those scars upset you anymore, willow. because they're the reason why i can hug my aunty every day! you may think it's ugly but, i don't. i see them as the reason why you're still alive and got to watch me and the rest of the littles grow up ! if it's making you so upset to look at it in your bikini, which i think you great in by the way willow, we don't have to go surfing today if it's making you feel a bit icky to do so. we could just instead go for a walk along the beach and go surfing over the weekend with mum, maxie, victoria and the family?" penelope sincerely asked as she didn't let me go out of her hug as i smiled, shocked at how this little kid, my little niece was so emotionally intelligent

pulling back out of the hug, tears still streaming down my cheeks but for happier reasons this time, i nodded my head, "that sounds perfect p, thank you, baby girl! you are such a sweetheart and i love you so much, sweetheart. of course, we can go for a walk on the beach and then go surfing with the family over the weekend. i'll just throw some clothes over the top of my bikini and then we can hit the road, that sound okay p?" i asked after thanking my niece as she nodded her head, swiftly leaving my room without another question as i then threw on a pair of linen pants and a halter crochet top before grabbing my phone

meeting penelope downstairs as she handed me a pair of flip flops, my car keys and handbag, we said farewell to max's cats, jimmy and sassy. we then got into my car and we drove down to secret beach.

flashback | willow's pov

it was the mexican grand prix and my brother and the other drivers were in mexico when i thought i'd not wake up the next day. it was during the day that victoria was looking after me when i genuinely thought my life support machine and my body was going to go awol and that i wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i was aboslutely terrified to close my eyes, worried that if i did, i wouldn't wake up tomorrow. suddenly remembering all the other times i was tired and knowing that i'd wake up the next morning. however, more recently, falling asleep and just closing my eyes has been scary for me.

shaking with worry, i reached over to grab victoria's hand which she immediately grabbed, "what's wrong, love?" she asked without hesitation as i tried to calm down as best as i could

"i...i'm so scared to fall asleep, vic. what...what if i don't wake up tomorrow morning?" i whispered fearfully as victoria softened as she held my hand, squeezing it tightly

"oh, willow. don't be scared, i'll stay here, awake with you all night and make sure nothing bad happens to you throughout the night. you are safe sweetpea, big sissy victoria's got you!" she whispered as i nodded my head but still didn't want to close my eyes

however, with some more encouragement from victoria and her singing my favourite album, we managed to get me to close my eyes and fall asleep. just hoping, praying, that i was going to be able to open my eyes the next morning.

and i did. i opened my eyes the next morning.

and i cried out for my maxie, enough though i knew he wasn't here in monaco.

and in a flurry of her own emotions, victoria rushed to grab her phone and ring him.

and i just knew he was ready to drop everything, thinking the worst. ready to leave the mexico grand prix when he heard the one voice i think he also thought, imagined, he wouldn't hear again.

i was still alive.

present time | 2024

finally, after what felt like forever, and the hell that was the three week break between the mexican grand prix and the triple header, f1 was back in full swing. so, here the entire f1 family were at the dutch grand prix and it was an emotional moment, that's for sure. and it wasn't just because we were finally back as a family. but because i was eighteen, an age that no one thought i'd be able to reach because of the cancer that i was now in complete remission from. also because, the dream i had when i was younger that i would die during the 2024 mexican grand prix as a nine year old hadn't come true. obviously, because i'm eighteen in 2024, not nine. and it was also actually the anniversary of my first diagnosis back when i was eight years old and i was now eighteen. so, i just knew that at some point during the press conference, most likely when max was there, that he would talk about it. and then get emotional over it which would then get me emotional over it all over again. 

and, who would've thought, i was correct? however, i did not think it would have my brother inviting me up to the press conference couch but, in all honesty, i didn't care. i grew up with this f1 grid and the cameras so i wasn't uncomfortable on the couch and around the drivers so, i went along with it. 

smiling, i walked to the couch and over to my brother, sitting in the middle of him and daniel. getting smooshed into a maxiel sandwich has honestly always been my favourite thing about having my brother as an f1 driver. even at the age of eighteen, when max was debuting all those years ago when i was much younger, i still enjoyed all the hugs the same way i did when i was a little girl. 

max then grabbed my hand, grabbing the attention of the media personel and the moderator of the entire press conference. still giving me a shock at how easily he and the other racers could control them. he then introduced his little speech as everyone happily filmed it and took photos. 

"...i'm so sorry guys but, can i just say something?" max queries, making me giggle as the couch and media cheer at his question 

giving me a smile, he then continues, "so, as everyone possibly already knows, this is one of my younger sisters, willow, who is eighteen years old..." he trails off as everyone, including the drivers on the couch, are in shock, the shock rippling through the crowd which induces laughter

which, i can't lie, also included me too. because, i truly forget too that i am eighteen myself. 

"...i know, it's crazy to say i have an eighteen-year-old sister too so, don't worry, it's just as shocking for me as it is for you guys! but umm, that's not the reason why i invited her to join this press conference. the reason why i invited willow on the couch for this press conference is that, on this very day when she was eight years old, we were told that willow had cancer..." he trailed off as i smiled softly and squeezed his hand tighter as he smiled back, daniel, charles and lando moving closer by as well

taking a deep breath, max continued, "...and for a while, we didn't think willow would make it through the very beginning or through the races she was able to go to during her diagnosis. or in mexico during the mexican grand prix we were especially worried something bad would happen after she had turned nine. because, during this time, it seemed as though willow's chemo was not effective anymore. it was during the mexican grand prix 2014/15 that she thought she wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i remember because like i already mentioned, we were just about to start the race and i got a phone call from our sister victoria. and immediately, i thought she'd be on the other line in absolute hysterics telling me that willow had died but, she hadn't. she had rung me up because willow had woken up and had cried out for me. hearing my little sister's voice that day, just as i was ready to drop everything and leave mexico for my little sister. to then hear that she was okay and that she was still alive was all i needed to know that she was getting better. and that maybe, just maybe, she'd recover and be okay again..." max once again trailed off as it started to get way too emotional as i smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed as the crowd stayed in utter silence

which is probably why i felt a little bit uncomfortable at the same time. since, the f1 media are never this quiet and are always the ones asking for the invasive answers that max had just suddenly become comfortable to talk about. the moderator then asked if i wanted to stay on the couch for the actual recorded and shown conference and i couldn't say no so, i didn't. 

so, i stayed on the couch with the drivers and i was also asked some questions that i got to answer which was super cool. and it felt so surreal to be on the press conference couch on the other side since i was almost always either watching the press conferences on tv or in the red bull hospitality. having the privilege to even be alive and be in complete remission from my cancer. 

then, after i answered a journalists question, max raised his microphone to his mouth and spoke up again. revealing some news that we had only just found out this very morning to the point that, i don't even think he had told daniel, charles, lando or the rest of the attending drivers.

max smiled brightly as he got everyone's attention as he announced the news, "...this morning, we found out the best news in regards to willow and her cancer. we got told this morning that she is finally in complete remission and has been said to be cancer-free!" he smiled tearfully as i turned around on the couch to see how daniel, charles and lando reacted and it made me teary-eyed

giving me the answer that this was the first time they had been told as well. daniel, charles and lando then hopped off their spots on the couch and pulled us in for a group hug in which i started to cry. in pure joy that i was healthy again, my cancer is finally gone and i didn't have to be constantly in the hospital anymore.

the press conference then finished and the other drivers who were waiting for their own press conference gave me hugs and congratulations. then we went back to the red bull garage and i just hung out with max, kelly and penelope for a little bit. 

°∘❉∘°

the free practice and media day had finally finished and as we relaxed and enjoyed each other's company, i got a notification saying that max had posted to his instagram. and i just knew instantly what it was he had posted about. he had been saying all day that he had wanted to also make an instagram post, announcing that i was officially in complete remission and cancer-free. so, he did. 

liked by willowverstappen, victoriaverstappen, landonorris, heidiberger, danielricciardo, francisca.cgomes and 12,001k others

maxverstappen1 when willow was eight-years-old, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the uncertainty of her survival. however, all these years later and i have an eighteen-year-old, nearly nineteen year old sister, who i got to see reach all of her special milestones. like her tenth birthday, her high school graduation, her eighteenth and soon her nineteenth. she also got to see her step-siblings be born, all of their births and will be healthy enough to watch them grow up even more and watch them reach their special milestones. my younger sister stayed and it is the biggest joy to say that willow is now in complete remission and cancer-free! i love you so much, willow violet verstappen. and if i had to watch you go through cancer all over again, i would do it. because it reminded me of truly how special and irreplaceable you are. you were the final of mum and dad's angels and our favourite sister. you know we would do everything and anything to make sure you were your happiest, your healthiest and your best. and i truly do believe that this next season in your life, with you cancer-free and no longer in hospitals constantly, you'll be truly successful in every single thing you wish to do with your life! you are such a strong girl and even though you always say it was me, mum, victoria, kelly, penelope and the f1 family as the reasons why you stayed, i truly believe that it was you that made yourself stay. and that it was you that gave you the strength to push through. your older brother loves you willow, thank you for staying 🤍

view all 87k comments

willowverstappen i love you so much, maxie! i am truly so grateful to be cancer-free! and don't thank me for staying, of course i'd stay 🤍

maxverstappen1 willowverstappen i love you more willow and i know you're grateful and so am i 🤍

victoriaverstappen these photos of our little sister! i cannot believe she's nearly nineteen 🤍

maxverstappen1 victoriaverstappen i know right? it makes me feel so old, like, we nearly have a nineteen-year-old sister!

landonorris i swear to god, we need to stop telling each other things for the first time during press conferences! but, in all seriousness, it brings me so much happiness that willow is cancer-free!

maxverstappen1 landonorris lol, we really do! and it brings me so much happiness as well, getting that phone call from dr phelps was like a dream come true!

heidiberger still in shock that willow's cancer free!

maxverstappen1 heidiberger i'm still in shock too

danielricciardo best news ever, max! hearing that willow's cancer-free was truly the highlight of the entire media day!

maxverstappen1 danielricciardo i agree! i had moments where i just wanted to scream it out way earlier in the press conference but i knew i couldn't!

francisca.cgomes this is great news max! i'm so glad that willow is finally cancer-free! it seems as though that time from eight years old to eighteen/nineteen has been a whirlwind for you all but also somewhat of a fever dream!

maxverstappen1 francisca.cgomes i know! so am i, it's been a long, windy road but, i'm glad we've finally reached the end of it! 

liked by maxverstappen1, kellypiquet, pierregasly, victoriaverstappen, carlossainz55, christianhorner and 11,000k others

willowverstappen life since being cancer-free 🤍

~

being a survivor of childhood cancer, amongst other things throughout my life, i knew i wanted to stay and stay alive the moment i was told i had the "big c". since entering complete remission and getting labelled cancer-free, i've graduated high school, i've travelled back and forth from each corner of the globe, from monaco, to the states, to australia and back. i've turned eighteen, i've gone on nights out with my parents and f1 grid family (only in europe and australia). i've gone to grand prixs with my family and i've surfed. i've been able to live my life in ways that i hadn't been able to do in years and i didn't have to worry about the scars, i didn't have to worry about being tired, i didn't have to worry about the fear of simply closing my eyes and if they'd open the next morning. i've been able to take care of and hang out with my step-siblings and my nieces and nephews, especially little p, i've seen them grow up, from when they were toddlers when i was first diagnosed to when cousins of mine came along later on when i was recovering, to their handsome and gorgeous selves now. when i was battling cancer, i couldn't do the things i can do now. i couldn't surf, i couldn't drink (i mean, that was because i was underage the majority of the time and still am in some countries), i couldn't go into physical school and had to do it all online when i wasn't violently ill, i couldn't travel back and forth around the world and had to stay in monaco or the netherlands. i couldn't have an extravagant ninth or tenth birthdays for that matter, and i couldn't go to races with my f1 family. when i had cancer, i was constantly riddled with the fear and anxiety of not being able to live another day because of how tired, sore and exhausted i was. having to see but also hear your family, most especially your brother, who isn't an emotional person, cry and not being able to help them other than offer a hand or a soft smile for comfort was agonising. the number of times i watched my brother cry as he sat in the same hospital chair over and over again just to make sure i was still breathing through the night is no longer countable since he had done it so many times. the number of times i had to watch my f1 family cry as they also sat and watched to make sure i was still alive throughout the day is immeasurable. thankfully, i didn't have to see my littles cry a lot, especially because they were so young at the time and were rarely visiting the hospital. but, at the same token, it makes me feel sick to think about the times when the other cousins were around that they did cry during my cancer battle and i wasn't there to tell them that everything was going to be okay. but now, whenever they do cry or they are upset, i can be there for them straight away. and it was all because i stayed alive and i didn't let myself have my family go through the agony of having to live without me. because i couldn't do that to them, no way.

view all 99k comments

maxverstappen1 i love you, more than words can describe willow! you strong, brave girl!

willowverstappen maxverstappen1 i love you most maxie! and i'm only strong because of you, victoria and mum

kellypiquet crying my eyes out reading this!

willowverstappen kellypiquet i cried writing this, believe it or not!

pierregasly hearing your brother announce during the panel that you're finally cancer-free after completing complete remission is the best news to hear!

willowverstappen pierregasly i genuinely had no idea that he hadn't told you guys yet! so seeing how everyone all reacted made me cry!

victoriaverstappen i'm still screaming over the news that you're finally cancer-free!

willowverstappen victoriaverstappen so am i vic! it's the best feeling ever!

carlossainz55 i am so beyond relieved that you are cancer-free, sweet willow! i remember when i first met you when you were just a little baby and now you're a glowing eighteen-year-old

willowverstappen carlossainz55 aw, thank you carlitos! i am relieved too and thank you again!

christianhorner i'm so glad you're cancer-free willow!

willowverstappen christianhorner so am i! i cannot believe it sometimes!

fin

yay, another one-shot done and i am so glad it's over! and yes, i know i fucked up the timeline, i mentioned that in the above author's note that it would be happening. this part two is not my favourite out of all the ones i've written but that's okay! i've found it slightly hard to write for f1 because i always forget to add in the fact that they are f1 drivers lol! but no matter, it'll get better i'm sure!

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

[kikimurphys]

Behind Closed Doors (Part 15)

Pairing: Cillian x Y/N

Warnings: Pregnancy complications, anxiety.

Your phone buzzed, and Ash’s name popped up on the screen. “Just saw your message. Calling you now,” the text read.

A moment later, her name appeared again, this time with an incoming call. You quickly answered, trying to steady your voice. “Hey, Ash.”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Concern was clear in her voice, though she tried to keep it calm.

Taking a deep breath, you started to explain everything—the frightening moment when you first noticed the bleeding, the rushed trip to the hospital, and the eventual diagnosis of placenta previa. Ash listened closely, offering quiet reassurances, her understanding like a balm. Even though her own pregnancy had been different, she instinctively knew what to say.

“I’m here for you, always,” she assured you. “Do you want me to come visit? I can figure something out with my husband and Liam. You’re gonna need help, whatever the doctors say. Plus, you haven’t even met your nephew yet.”

The thought of her coming to Dublin was comforting, but you hesitated. “I don’t want to mess up your plans, especially with Liam,” you replied, though the idea of her being there was tempting.

“Don’t be daft. You’re my sister. If you need me, I’ll be there,” she insisted, her tone leaving no room for argument.

“I’ll think about it,” you said, still wavering between needing her support and not wanting to cause trouble.

“What about the father? I know you said you weren’t together, but…” Ash’s voice trailed off, the curiosity and concern evident.

You hesitated before telling her. When you finally did, there was a brief pause on the other end, followed by her surprised reaction. “Oh! So that’s why you were being so secretive. Cillian Murphy, huh?”

You sighed, feeling a wave of mixed emotions. “Yeah. We met while I was working on Peaky Blinders last summer.”

“Oh right, I remember you mentioning that gig. Didn’t realize you’d gotten so close with the cast,” she nudged you.

“Well, I wasn’t supposed to,” you admitted with a chuckle. “But things happened, and, well, here we are.”

“And are the two of you… together?” Ash asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Not exactly… yes… I mean, I don’t know,” you said with a laugh, feeling the weight of the complicated relationship pressing down on you.

“Well, are you or aren’t you?” she pressed, wanting clarity.

“It’s complicated,” you replied, frustration creeping in as you tried to explain the emotional rollercoaster you’d been on.

You took a deep breath and started to spill everything—how your relationship with Cillian had developed, the moments of deep connection that made you feel loved and cherished, and the doubts that had crept in, leaving you feeling insecure and unsure. You told her how you sometimes wondered if he was ashamed of you or the baby, how that fear gnawed at you, making it hard to fully trust what you had.

There was a thoughtful pause on the other end before Ash spoke again, her voice full of empathy. “From everything you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like he’s ashamed of you or the baby. It sounds like he really cares about you. Maybe he’s just trying to protect you. I mean, he’s really famous, and the press can be brutal. Maybe he’s just shielding you from all that.”

Her words struck a chord, making you reconsider. “You really think so?”

“I do,” Ash affirmed. “And honestly, the way you talk about him… it’s obvious you love him. Maybe you should give him a chance, see where it goes.”

You nodded, even though she couldn’t see you. “Yeah… maybe you’re right.”

Ash’s reassurance lingered in your mind long after the call ended. You couldn’t help but replay your moments with Cillian—the tenderness he showed, the way he’d rushed to your side without hesitation. It was hard to believe that someone who didn’t care would go to such lengths.

Just then, a nurse entered your room, gently pulling you from your thoughts. “Good morning, mummy,” she greeted with a warm smile.

“Morning,” you replied, smiling back as you finished the last bites of your hospital breakfast.

The night had been filled with regular check-ups, the medical team carefully monitoring your baby’s heartbeat and your blood pressure. The nurse’s gentle demeanor and reassuring words helped ease some of the tension that had settled over you.

“The bleeding’s reduced significantly,” she said, checking your chart. “You and the baby are doing well.”

Relief washed over you at her words. After she left, you closed your eyes for a quick nap, but your thoughts kept swirling around the conversation with Ash and your uncertain feelings for Cillian.

A soft sound woke you, and you opened your eyes to see Cillian’s silhouette against the light filtering through the curtains. He moved quietly, not wanting to disturb you, but when he noticed you were awake, he came closer, leaning down to place a tender kiss on your lips.

“Did you sleep well?” you asked, reaching up to touch his face, your fingers tracing the worry lines that had settled there.

“Yeah,” he replied softly, his hand resting gently on yours. “I brought you a change of clothes.” He placed a suitcase on the bed, opening it to reveal your neatly packed belongings. “And lunch,” he added with a smile, handing you a bag of takeout.

The sight of the spicy chicken burrito made your heart skip a beat. Hospital food had been bland, and your cravings had been anything but satisfied. “You remembered!” you exclaimed, a genuine smile spreading across your face.

“Course I did,” he said, clearly pleased to see you happy.

As you settled into the chair by the window, the comforting aroma of the burrito filled the room. It almost felt normal—like a quiet lunch between two people, not one shared in a hospital room.

“Thanks for this,” you said, your voice full of gratitude as you took your first bite. The flavors were a welcome change.

“Just glad you’re eating,” Cillian replied, watching you closely. His eyes softened as he saw how much you were enjoying the food. “You need to keep your strength up.”

You nodded, appreciating his concern. As you ate, the conversation flowed easily, a nice distraction from the stress and fear that had dominated the past few days. You updated Cillian on what the nurse had said—they wanted to keep you in for a few more days, but everything was looking up.

But even with the light conversation, your sister’s words lingered in your mind. You found yourself wanting to address the uncertainties between you and Cillian.

After a brief pause, you decided to share. “I talked to my sister this morning,” you said, covering your mouth as you finished chewing.

Cillian raised his eyebrows, giving you his full attention. “Yeah? How’s she doing?”

“She’s good. She’s coming over to help me once I’m discharged. The doctors said I need to be on strict bed rest until the next ultrasound.”

“That’s great,” Cillian replied, nodding. “It’ll be good to have her here. I’m sure she’ll cheer you up.” He paused, then added, “But I want to help too. I can take care of you.”

You looked at him, surprised. “What do you mean?”

“The doctor said you need to be on bed rest—no moving around too much. I was thinking… maybe you could stay at mine. I can make sure you’ve got everything you need, and that you won't be alone if anything happens” he suggested, his voice sincere.

The idea touched you, but it also made you hesitate. It felt like a big step, one you weren’t sure you were ready for. plus you didn't want to burden him throughout the day if you could have your sister help you. “I don’t know… I mean, my sister’s coming, and I haven’t even met my nephew yet. He’s nearly a year old.”

Cillian nodded, understanding your hesitation. “I get that. And I’m glad your sister’s coming. But I just want you to know that I’m here too. I want to help, to be there for you and the baby.”

Your sister’s words echoed in your mind—maybe you should give him a chance. You did love him, and he had been nothing but supportive. Maybe this was the right move, not just for you, but for the baby as well.

Taking a deep breath, you looked into his eyes and smiled softly. “Okay… maybe staying with you would be a good idea.”

Cillian’s face lit up with relief and happiness. “I promise, I’ll take care of everything. You just focus on resting and getting better.”

As the days in the hospital dragged on, each one felt like a blur of repetitive tasks—watching TV, trying to catch sleep despite the discomfort of your growing belly, and spending endless hours on your phone. Your backaches had eased a bit, thanks to all the lying down, but finding a comfortable position was still a challenge. The only real highlight of the day was when Cillian arrived, bringing lunch and a much-needed distraction.

He made it a point to visit every afternoon, juggling his work and your care while arranging your prenatal appointments. Despite everything on his plate, he never let on that it was too much. His presence brought comfort, even though it made you more aware of the complicated feelings swirling inside you.

One afternoon, while you were picking at your hospital lunch, your phone buzzed. It was your mom, calling for her weekly check-in. You hesitated for a moment, knowing you couldn’t keep hiding your truth from her. When you finally answered, you decided to be more open.

“I’m in the hospital, Mom. Placenta previa,” you said, cutting straight to the point.

Her concern was immediate, and the conversation that followed was filled with both worry and relief as you reassured her that you and the baby were being closely monitored. You avoided mentioning the complications and kept the details light, just enough to keep her from panicking. When the call ended, you were emotionally drained but relieved to have been honest with her.

When Cillian arrived that evening, carrying a bag of takeout, he noticed the tension in your shoulders. “What’s wrong, love?” he asked, concern etched on his face.

“I told my mom about the hospital,” you admitted, playing with the hem of the blanket.

He nodded, understanding. “I’m glad you did. I’m sure that wasn’t easy.”

“It wasn’t,” you agreed, a small smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. “But it’s done now. They’ll be here when she’s born, at least.”

The next few days were a mix of hope and trepidation. The doctors monitored your bleeding closely, and to your relief, it finally stopped. Dr. Nelly decided it was safe for you to leave the hospital, though strict bed rest was still necessary until your next ultrasound. You were grateful to finally be heading home, but the prospect of strict bed rest weighed heavily on your mind.

As you packed your bag, anticipation and a hint of dread bubbled up. Living with Cillian was a big step, one that you weren’t sure you were fully ready for. Your relationship with him had always been intense, and the thought of being alone with him, day in and day out, felt overwhelming. You sent a quick text to your sister, letting her know that you were ready for her visit. Having her around would help ease the tension and provide a distraction from your emotions.

When the nurse came in with a wheelchair, Cillian helped you into it, his touch gentle yet firm. You couldn’t help but feel a mixture of gratitude and anxiety. The next few weeks were going to be a test—a test of your relationship, your patience, and your ability to manage the challenges ahead.

As you settled into the wheelchair, Cillian’s hand rested on your shoulder. “Ready to go home?” he asked, his voice soft.

“Yeah, I am,” you replied, forcing a smile. But inside, you couldn’t help but wonder how the relationship was going to develop once you were living together.

As you left the hospital with Cillian by your side, a mix of relief and anxiety settled over you. The realization that you’d be spending the next few weeks alone with him made your heart race—not just because of your condition, but because you didn’t trust yourself around him. The connection between you was undeniable, and every glance, every touch, seemed to ignite something within you that you knew you couldn’t act on. Dr. Nelly’s strict orders of no sex until further notice echoed in your mind, making you all the more aware of the need for restraint.

Once you were settled in the car, you quickly texted Ash. “Just got discharged. Ready for you to come to Dublin whenever you can. Could really use the company.”

You hit send before you could second-guess yourself. You needed her there, not just for the help, but to keep your mind occupied and distract you from the intense feelings Cillian stirred in you. The last thing you wanted was to complicate things further by giving into temptation, especially when your health was on the line.

tags:

@mamawiggers1980 @xsweetcatastrophe @galactict3a @thistheivyseason @cillianmurphyvevo @sweetcheesecakesblog

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Judd Legum and Rebecca Crosby at Popular Information:

This November, Florida residents will decide whether to amend their state constitution to protect reproductive rights, overturning the state's near-total abortion ban after six weeks of pregnancy. If Amendment 4 passes, the following text would be added to the Florida Constitution: "No law shall prohibit, penalize, delay, or restrict abortion before viability or when necessary to protect the patient’s health, as determined by the patient’s healthcare provider."  The primary group supporting Amendment 4, Floridians Protecting Freedom, is running television ads supporting its passage. One such ad is a first-personal narrative of a woman named Caroline who was diagnosed with brain cancer while pregnant with her second child. "The doctors knew that if I did not end my pregnancy, I would lose my baby, I would lose my life, and my daughter would lose her mom," Caroline says in the ad. "Florida has now banned abortion, even in cases like mine." Caroline urges voters to support Amendment 4 to "protect women like me." 

On October 3, the Florida Department of Health sent a letter to Mark Higgins, the General Manager of WFLA, Tampa's NBC affiliate. The letter, sent by Florida Department of Health General Counsel John Wilson, claimed that airing the ad violates Florida law. Wilson cites Florida's law against "sanitary nuisance," which prohibits "the commission of any act… by which… the health and lives of individuals… may be endangered." Wilson argues that WFLA's decision to air the ad could "threaten or impair the health and lives of women." Wilson advised Higgins that, now that he has been notified that the ad is creating a "sanitary nuisance," WFLA must stop airing it within 24 hours. Failure to do so, Wilson writes, would be a crime punishable by up to 60 days in prison under Florida law. The letter was first reported by investigative reporter Jason Garcia. 

Aaron Terr, Director of Public Advocacy for the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression (FIRE), a non-profit dedicated to preserving free speech, told Popular Information that the Florida Department of Health letter stretches "the meaning of sanitary nuisance beyond recognition." The statute deals with issues like "untreated or improperly treated human waste," "[t]he keeping of diseased animals," and the "causing of any condition capable of breeding flies, mosquitoes, or other arthropods capable of transmitting diseases." While the statute includes a catch-all for "any other condition determined to be a sanitary nuisance," there is no mention of political ads.

Floridians Protecting Freedom, in an October 4 letter to WFLA, rejects the Florida Department of Health's contention that the ad is false. In the letter, Floridians Protecting Freedom notes that Caroline "was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer at 20 weeks pregnant" and "the diagnosis was terminal." Florida's Agency for Health Care Administration (AHCA) has advised that abortion is permitted after six weeks of pregnancy only if there is "an immediate threat to the pregnant person's life." The AHCA has said that premature rupture of membranes, ectopic pregnancy, and molar pregnancy meet that standard. None of those exceptions applied to Caroline. 

Fascist bully Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and his regime are threatening arrests of TV executives that dare to air the “Caroline” ad from pro-Amendment 4 group Floridians Protecting Freedom. This is all part of DeSantis’s war on freedom of speech and abortion rights.

[arlana-likes-to-write]

Second Chance - Chapter 4

Masterlist

Warning: mention of weight loss, reader lowkeye almost blacks out, mention of medication, Tony is a good dad

Relationships: Tony x daughter!reader, Yelena x reader

Word count: 2.5k

Goodness, you were nervous. Your leg would not stop bouncing. The only time you had this much anxiety was your first doctor’s appointment. Every sense then, you got used to going alone, holding the weight of whatever news you received on your shoulders alone. Why was it so hard being here with someone? You glanced at Tony through the corner of your eye. He seemed equally as nervous as you waited for a nurse to call you back. He was hiding it, focused on whatever he was looking at on his tablet. But he was stiff as if he was glued to the chair he sat in. And when the nurse called your name, you both jumped - lost in whatever world your mind was creating.

You followed the nurse to the back, stepping on the scale to get your weight before heading to a room. “How are you feeling, angel?” She asked as you sat in the chair next to the desk. Tony sat in the chair in the corner.

“I’m doing good, Pam,” you made a note to remember the name of every nurse at the office. They were all saints and on your gift-giving list for Christmas.

“Are you just saying that because your father is here?” She questioned as she took your temperature. “97.8.” She documented it on your chart. Next, she placed the blood pressure cuff on your arm. It was your least favorite part, you hated how tingly your arm felt. You gave her a sheepish smile.

“Just the normal fatigue and light-headedness,” you admitted, looking down at the pattern on the floor. She took off the cuff and shook your arm to regain the feeling.

“Blood pressure is normal,” she sat down at the computer. “You’ve lost some weight since your last appointment. Are you eating?”

“Yes Pam,” you sighed. “Food just tastes weird.” You loved Pam but every time she was your nurse you felt like you were being scolded like a little kid.

“Protein powder and shakes,” she said. “And try small proteins throughout the day instead of three big meals.” You nodded.

“I’ll make sure she’s eating,” Tony said. “We all will.” You knew he meant that.

“Do you need any refills on your medications?” She asked. Your medical team had you on Zofran for nausea and a higher milligram of ibuprofen when your body ached. On the off chance, that ibuprofen wasn’t working you had muscle relaxers. But you didn’t like taking those. “Perfect. Dr. Carpenter will be right with you,” she said, standing up. “Take care of yourself, sweetheart, and call if you need anything.”

“I will,” you smiled. “Thank you.” Once she was gone, you stood up and sat on the exam table so you could lie down before Dr. Carpenter came in. You loved that man but boy he had a lot of energy.

“Hey,” you looked at Tony. “How are you?” He asked softly.

“Sleepy,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes. He smiled.

“Well, we can go back to the tower and you can take a nap or we can go get lunch. Nurse Pam did say you need to eat,” you rolled your eyes and placed your arm over your forehead.

“I eat,” you said. Not enough but at least you were eating. You sighed. “Let’s go get lunch. Free food is good food.”

“Oh I’m paying now,” you smiled. Before he could come up with a clever retort the door opened.

“There she is,” Dr. Carpenter said, closing the door behind him. You sat up to meet the excited doctor. “How are you? Still kicking ass and taking names.” You smiled, rolling your eyes slightly as he gave you a quick hug instead of a handshake.

“Something like that,” you said. He turned his attention to Tony.

“And the man of the hour,” he extended his hand for Tony to take. The billionaire’s body shook by the intensity. “Dr. Lucas Carpenter,” he pulled up a chair to sit down closer to you and Tony. “When the nurses told me she didn’t come alone, I almost fell out of my chair. I’ve been telling this one to reach out to when we found out about her diagnosis but she’s as stubborn as her mother.”

“I’ve been beginning to notice,” you sighed, crossing your arms. They were talking about you as if you weren’t here. Dr. Carpenter laughed.

“I’ve been lucky to see this little firecracker grow up,” you saw Tony shift in his seat, the change went unnoticed by the doctor. “Somethings don’t change. So,” he crossed his right leg over his left and leaned back in the chair. “Have you told him everything?”

“Yes,” you said. Well, not everything but baby steps. “He and the other Avengers have been tested to see if they are a match.” The doctor smiled. You knew he was proud of you, you fought tooth and nail against him and the rest of your medical team to find a different way.

“If by chance we don’t find a match, what’s the next step?” Tony asked.

“Plan B,” you sighed.

“Plan B,” Dr. Carpenter repeated.

“What the hell is plan B?” The doctor grabbed a tablet and handed it to the billionaire. You knew it was your medical chart; blood work and other tests. It was a screen you’d stared at for a long time.

“Plan B is increasing her treatment,” he began. “Right now she is on a 3-week cycle- double dosage of chemo on week one, only one dose the following week, and then a week off.” Last week was your week woof, your double dose was tomorrow. “If we don’t find a match, she’ll have to get chemo every week and it be more intense.” Tony handed him back the tablet. You kept your eyes on the floor.

“What are the side effects of this Plan B?” He asked. The doctor sighed.

“Pretty much the same ones she’s experiencing now - nausea, fatigue, headache, and appetite loss but they could be more common and intense,” he explained. “It’s not even a guarantee it will work,” you stole a glance at Tony but he kept his face neutral. “However that is Plan B and we can’t get ahead of ourselves. We have to take it one step at a time, right?”

“Right,” you smiled. When you were younger, some kids were picking on you. You remember you sat in your room with your mom’s arms around you tight and you felt warm and safe. She said, ‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.’ Back then you weren’t sure what she meant, you just wanted those kids to stop being mean. But now those words were one of the few things keeping you alive.

*

“Thank you,” you said to the waitress who placed your order down.

“Let me know if you need anything,” she said mostly to Tony. She fluttered her eyelashes and stuck her chest out. You cringed at the pathetic attempt at flirting with a married man no less. But Tony paid no attention to her, more focused on putting ketchup on his food. You cleared your throat. The sound caused Tony to look up at you and then to the waitress.

“Oh uh will do,” she smirked and walked away, taking his awkward rambling as a sign he found her attractive. You chuckled.

“She wanted to fuck you,” you said, taking a bite of your sandwich and you were grateful it tasted okay. It was his turn to cringe.

“Please never say that again,” you laughed, sipping on your water. “So this Dr. Carpenter, you like him?” You could feel the underlying jealousy behind every word. You knew he touched a nerve every time the doctor brought up your mom or the past in some way. You nodded.

“Yeah,” you said. “He’s been positive during this whole process despite how serious it is. But I did like your idea of him touching base with Dr. Cho just in case I get sick at the tower,” you added on quickly. You did believe it was a good idea, especially with how uncertain everything was. He smiled.

“Good but enough about doctors,” he whipped his hands on the napkin. “Tell me more about you. Any lucky ladies or men I have to worry about?” You felt your body warm up and looked away.

“Nope,” you said. “Single as a pringle.” He raised a questioning eyebrow at you. “I’m not talking about my sex life with you.”

“I don’t want to know about your sex life,” he deadpanned. “As long as you are practicing safe sex. I can get you condoms or-”

“Oh my god. Stop,” you cut him off. His smile grew.

“This is nothing to be embarrassed about. This is an important conversation to have.” Tony tried to drop the smile but he was failing miserably. You groaned, covering your face with your hands.

“I’m not having this conversation with you at a sandwich shop of all places,” he laughed, taking your hands off your face.

“Alright, alright,” he said. “I’ll drop it, for now.” You glared at him. “But I’m serious tell me about your life before all this, the stuff your mother didn’t mention in her letters.” You stared at him.

“You read them?”

“Of course. I haven’t finished all of them but I want to know what I missed.” Oh. The more time you spent with the billionaire he kept surprising you.

“Okay,” you smiled. “Yeah, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

*

“I think that should be it, FRIDAY,” you said, crossing the last item off your list. You were in desperate need of groceries that weren’t going to upset your stomach, especially with your appointment tomorrow.

“Right away, Miss. Easton,” the AI said. “I’ll place the order and have them brought up to you when they arrive at the tower.” Perfect. The kitchen was put together, food was ordered, and your clothes were organized. Next on your list was to hang up some of your canvases. You swallowed an ibuprofen with a tall glass of water and ignored the ache in your bones. All you had to do was push through. You lifted a box onto the couch so it was easier to go through. Your mom always told you you had a spending problem. Whenever you traveled you bought something but you justified it by getting stuff from local artists or small businesses. Smiling, you put some pottery on a small bookshelf. Above the bookshelf, you wanted to hang up a three-piece art insulation that captured a pride of lions. You picked up a hammer and held a nail in your mouth when the room began to spin. “Shit,” you mumbled, resting your forehead on the wall.

“Miss. Easton,” the AI said. “I detect your blood pressure elevating. Should I alert the medical team?” You shook your head. That was a mistake. Black spots covered your vision and the nausea you were feeling only got worse.

“I’m good,” you managed to set the hammer and nail down before slumping to the ground. Your back was against the space on the wall and you grabbed onto the leg of the bookshelf. It grounded you and helped combat the room spinning. You whimpered and closed your eyes. Maybe you weren’t okay. You were just too stubborn to ask for help.

*

Yelena had a plan, all she had to do was unlock Kate’s door and plant the noise device. In a trade of Tony finishing it, she took the test to see if she was a bone marrow match. To be fair, she was going to take the test but why not kill two birds with one stone and ask for a small favor? “Miss. Belova,” FRIDAY said, causing her to stop in front of the archer’s door. “Miss. Easton requires your assistance.” Yelena looked towards your door and hesitated. With a sigh, she rushed over to your room. The door was unlocked and Yelena called out your name. Instead of you answering, the Black Widow heard a groan. You were sitting on the ground, head resting in your hands.

“Hey, Easton,” Yelena gently closed the door and knelt in front of you. “Hi, are you with me?” She whispered, rubbing her finger up and down your arm. It took a moment but you looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Blondie,” you said. “What-what are you doing here?”

“Miss. Belova was the closest one to you,” the AI informed you. “I asked her to come check on you when I noticed you were in distress.” You sighed, resting your head back.

“Are you okay?” Yelena asked. “I can go get Stark or Pepper or-”

“I’m fine,” you cut off her nervous rambling. “I just,” you let out a shaky breath, and your eyes locked onto her green ones. “I-”

“What do you need from me?” Yelena found herself asking. The words tumbled past her lips without a second thought. But the way you looked at her made her heart skip.

“Can you sit with me?” You softly asked. “Just until the world stops spinning.” Yelena wordlessly sat down next to you, knees bent and she rested her forearms on top. She couldn’t help but look around your space. It was the same layout she had. Unlike the apartment she helped clean out, the place was a mess. There were boxes everywhere, newspapers on the floor, and very little stuff hung up on the wall. Yelena knew it was because you were still moving in and trying to make this bare space your new home. The Black Widow expected the place to be organized, all pristine and decorated. You seemed like that type of person.

“Your place is a mess,” Yelena said, breaking the silence. You gasped. “I’m serious,” she continued. “I can barely see the floor.”

“Oh shut up, Blondie,” you laughed. “It’s a work in progress.” Yelena hummed.

“If you say so,” you laughed again, hitting your shoulder against hers. She liked the sound of it. Oh, that was not good.

*

He was running the swaps he had available. There were a few that were on their way - the Barton’s in Iowa, Bruce in New Asgard, and Kate, America, and Rhodey were on their way back to the tower. But he had to know, it was killing him. As he waited for the tests, he paced the lap. He had to be a match, he could do this one thing for you. A ding sound pulled him out of his thoughts and he rushed over to his computer. Negative. Negative. Negative. That one word was all he saw. Until he saw something different. A positive. Someone was a match. His hands shook as he clicked on the profile. But the name made his stomach flip. Morgan. It was Morgan. How the hell was he going to tell you or Pepper?

_

taglist: @likemick,