#figured it was worth posting here too
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Unusual of me to lock in for art, but this was for a DTIYS over on instagram. Featuring @neal-illustrator's Ares and Aphrodite designs!
#epic the musical#drawing#artists on tumblr#dtiys#dtiyschallenge#epic ares#epic aphrodite#I actually am fairly happy with my art for a change#figured it was worth posting here too
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Happy summer, everybody!
This has been a big project to take and while there's stuff to improve I'm pretty happy with it. Be sure to zoom in the big picture for details and read the comic from left to right. (Needless to say, please don't try A.B.A's behaviour.. For your safety)
Bonus doodle:
#a.b.a#paracelsus#slayer#guilty gear#I almost forgot slayer's shirt pattern! I was also supposed to draw his cape floating over sharon to shield her from the sun but...#this whole drawing collection took roughly a month to complete and I forgot. I'm too tired right now#speaking of. it's my first time drawing sharon I hope she's okay!#yes slayer carries and wears in the nose his 200 spf sunscreen from xrds treasure hunt animation :)#as for the big main picture. it left me quite exhausted and I know the lighting leaves a lot to be desired but I'm proud! learnt a lot#first time drawing blue para too. I hope his metallic sheen is alright#more than aba's skin sheen for sure. I'll improve it in the future! btw tweaked a bit her attire's palette from last time and made her keep#the headband cause trying to figure out how her hair would properly fall was a hassle lmao#fun fact: the bird is an european herring gull#the crab is an edible crab and the palm trees are coconut palm trees with no fruit lol#I wanted to draw fan palms which are a kind of palm tree that deserves more love but the leaf shape was so difficult to draw#I did struggle a lot with these two.. they look more like feathers but again. that can be studied and improved in the future#despite all the lows summertime can have for me whenever it's a nice day and we can go to the beach I feel everything is worth it and will#be okay. hope I could translate that here. hi new people I tend to ramble a lot in my post tags#art tag2b named#sharon
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Okay but if I wrote a “kid gojo goes to find kid nanami in his time” spin-off for konpeitō, what then? Huh?
#nanago#posting this on tumblr bc twitter feels like too big of an audience and i might chicken out#i reeeeeeeeeally want to write them as kids#gojo would wake up back in his time following the events of konpeitō then go ‘i NEED to find nanami’ not knowing where to even begin#but whatever he’ll figure it out. he has the gojo clan resources and a maid he’s willing to enlist and know won’t snitch#eventually through some magical means he finds nanami and gets a flashback to adult nanami#but this kid is SO different#kid nanami doesn’t have any clue what cursed energy is#kid nanami is also SASSY AF#he’s so sus of gojo and it takes multiple trips to this remote village on the harbor in order to get remotely close to befriending him#but for gojo—who has the memory of future nanami stuck in his head and who can already see the inklings of it in this kid—it’s worth it#kid nanami might not ever become adult nanami. gojo might never see that man again considering what he’s done to change the future#but he’s here. he’s alive. and gojo is fine discovering something new. something that’s /his/ for a change
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Hi! I love your Naruto thoughts and meta posts with all my heart and I want to ask your thoughts on something that has been on my mind literally since I was 13: what do you think about the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura? I went from being a hardcore shipper when I was a teenager, to being against any romantic relationship in Naruto after finishing the anime when I was in my early twenties. Nowadays I'm very into platonic love and depictions of friendship and I think the anime's obsession with forcing the "romantic interest" curse upon the main female character robbed us of... so much. There are a few wonderful moments in the anime where Sasuke and Sakura acknowledge each other, but because she's always "the girl with the crush", her actions are so often interpret as irrational or selfish by the fandom.
Hi @riemmetric! It's great to talk to you again! Sorry it's taken me so long to answer this; RL has been making demands of me lately and it took me way longer to finish writing this up than I wanted it to (then again, I knew from the minute I read your original ask that my reply was going to get long, so I suppose I should have predicted a delay XD)
It's funny, my sister once asked me to choose between Sasuke or Sakura for an “unpopular opinion” meme, and I ended up doing Sasuke solely because I think the negative fandom opinions about Sakura are so unhinged and divorced from the actual text that I wouldn’t even know where to start. People are entitled to dislike whatever characters they want, obviously, but there are some fandom takes that are, for me, so obviously rooted in bad faith viewings/readings that there’s no urge in me to discuss them. That said, since you asked, I’m happy to go into my own thoughts on this a bit, with the disclaimer for other potential readers that I only write about fandom things for my own personal enjoyment, not as a contribution to The Discourse. If you don’t like Sakura, great! I have no interest in changing your mind. Please consider this a sincere invitation to scroll on by and go enjoy whatever parts of the fandom appeal to you.
In general terms: I love Sasuke and Sakura’s relationship as much as I love all of the relationships in Team 7. If we’re talking about them specifically as a romantic couple, then I probably fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, because I do like them together in a post-canon (to be clear: non-Boruto) setting, after time has passed and they’ve continued to develop individually and reconnect with each other, but I also wouldn’t exactly call myself an intense “shipper,” in the sense that I have no interest in pulling things out from the text and incorrectly citing them as evidence that Sasuke has hidden romantic feelings for her during the canon period. He cares about her in the canon period, just like he cares about Naruto and Kakashi. That’s not up for interpretation; it’s the text. But Sasuke during the canon time period does not demonstrate specifically romantic interest in anyone.
[A note before people who might ship Sasuke with Someone Else emerge to rail against this statement - please just scroll past and continue enjoying fandom in whatever way is most fun for you. It is cool to ship whatever fanon thing you want; I think that’s great! But earnestly citing any loving or emotional thing Sasuke does re: various characters in this story (yes, Sakura included) as indicative of specifically romantic love isn’t supported by the text. I know there are always going to be enormous subsets of any fandom who insist that it is, and I'm certainly not going to barge into anyone else's space to complain about that (because other people having fun together is harmless and none of my business), but I'm not obligated to indulge it on my own blog, either.]
Anyway, that said - the reason why I love Sakura and Sasuke’s relationship (from here on out I’ll use “relationship” in a general, non-romantic sense) is precisely because Sakura isn’t just “the girl with the crush.” Sakura has an arc when it comes to Sasuke, and its trajectory moves in the exact opposite direction of “irrational” or “selfish.” She specifically goes from “the girl with the crush” to “the girl who steels herself and tries to put her personal feelings for Sasuke aside for the greater good” to “the girl who knows she can’t put her feelings aside, but who also knows full well that Sasuke doesn’t reciprocate them, and who still wants to save him regardless, because he matters to her as a person and a friend.”
[I'm putting the rest of this under a cut to save everyone's dash, and also to emphasize once again that this is a personal post on my personal blog which I wrote in response to a question from a personal acquaintance, the full content of which no one is obligated to read. I am not sending this post to random strangers and forcing them to look at it. I'm not even putting it in the character tags. I'm typing it up on my own blog and putting it under a cut. If you already know that you don't like Sakura, but you still click the link/read the post and then feel an urge to comment and complain, I am going to copy-paste this disclaimer and remind you that I specifically recommended that you scroll past and go have fun with fandom in your own way. Thanks in advance for responsibly curating your own fandom experience!]
So, from the top:
1. the girl with the crush
Sakura is, obviously, completely obsessed with Sasuke at the beginning of Part 1. She’s also deeply clueless about him and his history (bizarre though it is, the story seems to indicate that she initially doesn’t know what happened with his family, the same way young!Obito is initially clueless about Kakashi’s father). But what I like about Sakura and Sasuke’s Part 1 relationship is how this changes over time.
The critical scene that kicks this off happens right at the beginning of the manga, when she and Sasuke are talking by that bench - she complains about Naruto and blames his behavior on him being all alone/having no family to scold him; and even says she’s jealous that he doesn’t have parents to nag him all the time. This obviously triggers an outburst from Sasuke, who tells her she has no idea what loneliness means and that she “makes him sick”/she’s “annoying” (importantly, the exact same thing Sakura said to Naruto in anger earlier that day), which in turn prompts Sakura to reassess herself and wonder whether she’s been making Naruto feel this terrible all the time, too:
From that point on, it’s a process of her putting little pieces together. She still has a MAJOR crush, and she still acts like a twelve year-old, but as we approach the end of Part I, Sakura actually has a more accurate grasp on Sasuke’s current state of mind than Naruto does. Naruto is initially excited to fight Sasuke on top of the hospital, because he feels like Sasuke’s finally acknowledging him, whereas Sakura is the one who immediately recognizes that something is wrong about this situation. She is also the one who, after this fight, is concerned that Sasuke is really unwell and might do something drastic like run off in pursuit of the power Orochimaru promised him, but when she communicates this to Naruto, he assures her that this would NEVER happen:
(Sakura isn't convinced, though, because she goes to monitor the exit out of the village anyway.)
I’m not criticizing Naruto for his response here. I ADORE hearing him say that Sasuke is too strong to need Orochimaru, with such perfect confidence - I love seeing how much respect and admiration he has for Sasuke underneath all their fighting, because that’s the whole reason he’s always baiting Sasuke and yelling at him and claiming “you're not so great!” He looks up to Sasuke; he wants to be like Sasuke; he thinks Sasuke is awesome! (It’s that Obito @ Kakashi behavior, you know?) But the fact remains that he is clueless about what’s actually going on with Sasuke in Part 1, and he remains clueless(ly optimistic) for a long time.
(Eg, when he catches up to Sasuke during the retrieval arc and Sasuke climbs out of that cursed seal coffin, Naruto waves at him and calls "Come on, let's go!" as if Sasuke has been successfully rescued and is now going to come running home. Even in Part II, when Naruto hears that Sasuke killed Orochimaru, he beams and immediately says, “So he must be on his way back to the Leaf Village!” And everyone else in the room is like, “....,” because they know better. Naruto doesn’t yet fully understand [or doesn't want to accept] the extent to which Sasuke has willingly chosen this path, and it’s not until after Jiraiya’s death/the Pain attack/the Five Kage Summit that Naruto really starts to understand Sasuke more clearly, which is something he himself admits.)
Sakura, in Part 1, has access to more information about Sasuke - she’s there for his first dissociative monologue during the bells test, she’s there for the curse mark’s placement, she’s there for his first violent transformation in the Forest of Death - she is, in fact, the unwitting catalyst for it (“Sakura…who did this to you?”), and her compassion is the reason Sasuke is later able to overcome the curse mark’s influence - so she has a more accurate/complete picture of “how he’s doing,” for lack of a better phrase, whereas Naruto, who doesn’t know about the curse mark in the first place, is still in the dark. This means that Sakura is able to accurately discern that Sasuke is struggling more than Naruto realizes, and specifically to predict that he’s going to run away.
(This dynamic is then interestingly flipped in the back half of Part II, since at any point after the Five Kage Summit, Sakura doesn’t have access to extremely relevant [if currently questionable and unproven] details that would in any other circumstance inform her behavior).
Of course, just because she has more info in Part 1 doesn’t mean she has some kind of miraculous insight into Sasuke’s every thought and feeling. There are parts of her attempt to convince Sasuke to stay in the village that are as clueless as any of Naruto’s assumptions, and they showcase the kind of magical thinking common to childhood - like when she says that if he stayed with her, she could give him happiness, she’d do anything for him, even help him get his revenge - this idea that she herself can do something to make him feel better, that she can love him powerfully enough to defeat his pain - obviously none of that is rooted in realism.
Is this part of her approach irrational and immature and inadvertently self-centered? Of course it is! But it’s no more irrational and immature and inadvertently self-centered than Naruto’s stated plan to drag Sasuke back to the village even if he has to “break every bone in [his] body!”
Hating on Sakura for her Part 1 attempt to convince Sasuke to stay in the village while simultaneously lauding Naruto for his feels like a bad faith misread of what is, to me, pretty clear narrative intention. The story doesn’t at any point intend for us to see her begging him to stay as a selfish or conniving attempt to get something she wants. She’s begging him to stay for the same underlying reason that Naruto is: she cares about him. She thinks he’s making a mistake that will only cause him more pain in the end (she’s right) and she wants to make it so he feels less pain right now (she can’t. But she doesn’t understand that/isn’t able to admit that, and she’s willing to try ANYTHING that might help).
It’s critical that this farewell scene is set in front of that same bench from their first important confrontation - she references that day and how angry he got at her, and this time she tells him that she understands his reaction. She’s learned things and she recognizes how insensitive she was being back then (“I know what happened to your clan, Sasuke”), even though she still can’t fully grasp all the complexities of the situation. She tells him that him blowing up at her back then helped her understand what loneliness actually meant (as opposed to her previous shallow understanding of it), and she challenges him about his choice right now: "So that's it, you're choosing the lonely path?" And when she tells him that she'll be very lonely if he leaves, we're immediately shown a panel of Sasuke thinking of both his friends, with the very clear implication that if he goes through with this, he will be lonely without them, too - that he's still struggling with the idea of leaving them, no matter how hard he tries to pretend:
Sakura at this point knows that Sasuke isn’t interested in her the way she is in him, but she still wants to give him happiness, however fantastical and immature her ideas sound to us (and, I’m sure, to him). “I’ll do anything, even help you get your revenge/we'll have fun every day, and...and you'll be happy! I'll make sure of it!” - of course, it’s completely childish. It’s irrational. It’s ridiculous to think that any of this would ever be effective, but no more ridiculous than Naruto’s belief that he can simply break every bone in Sasuke’s body and keep him in the Leaf by force.
Both Naruto and Sakura are children who have a deeply oversimplified understanding of Sasuke’s situation. They both still think they can fix him themselves. They both think they can save him themselves. They both think they can convince (or force) him to do what they want, what they think is in his best interests. Both of them don’t yet understand that he has to want to come back, if it’s ever going to mean anything. Their attempts to keep him in the village are immature and unrealistic, yes. What they aren’t, however, is selfish, because neither Sakura nor Naruto are doing any of this with the intention of advancing their own interests. They’re only thinking about Sasuke - how to keep Sasuke safe, how to make Sasuke happy - even when neither of them are taking an approach that will actually work.
Naruto and Sakura are children. They’re afraid of losing somebody they care about. Their attempts to prevent that from happening are desperate and messy and ultimately ineffective, but they are also genuinely felt and rooted in a true desire to rescue Sasuke from his pain, which - and this is the single most important thing that should impact our viewing of Part 1 - is something that Sasuke RECOGNIZES. He doesn’t spend that agonizingly long moment bowed over Naruto’s defeated body so we can pretend he doesn’t understand that Naruto was just trying to help him. He doesn’t take the time to murmur, “Sakura…thank you,” before laying her out carefully on a bench, just so we can discount it and pretend that he doesn’t recognize and appreciate her genuine intention to make things better for him, however clumsy that attempt might have been.
2. the greater good
If Stage 1 Sakura is "the girl with the crush," then Stage 2 Sakura is a progression to “the girl who decides to put her feelings for Sasuke aside in order to protect innocent people, including (but certainly not limited to) Naruto.” She’s driven to this decision by interactions with Shikamaru, who all too recently had to grow up fast himself (“We're not kids anymore...we can't allow a war to break out between the Hidden Leaf and the Hidden Cloud because of Sasuke") and Sai, who risks his new friendship with Sakura and Team 7 in order to speak some hard truths and deliver one of my favorite lines in the whole story: “I don’t know what promise Naruto made to you, but it’s really no different than what was done to me. It’s like a curse mark.”
(INCREDIBLE. How can anybody be complaining about a season where Sai gets to say something that goes THIS HARD and Sakura LISTENS and takes DRAMATIC ACTION that actually propels the story forward in a meaningful way - )
[Okay, yeah, brief personal opinion interlude - it is just bonkers wild to me that there are people who complain about Sakura in the Five Kage Summit arc. That entire season is the greatest character arc she ever has. Literally she has never been more interesting and dynamic than in Season 10; it’s the first time she ever gets to be as deep and fascinating as the boys; what is everybody so worked up about? Oh, “she lied to Naruto that one time” - Sasuke joined infant-kidnapping baby-murdering human experimentation machine Orochimaru when he was twelve years old in order to (dare I say it????) selfishly pursue his personal goals and yet, somehow, we are still able to root for him. He abandoned his friends/allies to imprisonment and death (Suigetsu and Jūgo) or outright stabbed them in the chest himself (Karin) in order to (SELFISHLY) get what he wanted, and yet, somehow, we are still able to love him, understand him, and be on his side. Naruto is canonically not upset with Sakura about her lie after receiving context for the situation and I think we can probably take our cues from him without feeling the need to bring her up on war crimes; please calm down]
[Sorry, I just really love most of Season 10 and think it’s one of the best examples of how good this story can be when every single character gets to do something that matters (as opposed to things being all Naruto, all the time) so I get a little bit worked up over people complaining about some of the best writing Sakura ever gets. I don’t understand what certain elements of fandom want from her. People complain about her being “useless” and not doing anything that contributes to the story, but then they complain just as much when she does finally get to act decisively and have just as complex/dynamic an inner world as the boys. She’s “weak” for being unreasonably in love with Sasuke, but when she tries to be “strong” and put her love for him aside and eliminate him in order to protect Naruto and the rest of the world, she’s evil, because she should have been more understanding of his situation (despite the fact that she doesn’t KNOW anything about his situation). But then when she can’t go through with killing him after all because she cares about him too much despite the things he’s done, she’s not "compassionate" or "kind" or "a good friend," she’s “weak” again. Nothing Sakura does in S10 is more wrongheaded or rash than any of the batshit, buckwild things Naruto and Sasuke have done in the past (and will continue to do in the future), but when Naruto and Sasuke have big feelings or take bold action, it makes them interesting characters, whereas Sakura can’t breathe in anyone’s direction without being minutely scrutinized for moral impurities.]
Anyway. Back to a more measured response.
Every single piece of development Sakura has with regard to Sasuke in this season satisfies me so much. Her initial shock and disbelief at hearing that Sasuke had joined the Akatsuki? Good, appropriate. The fact that she starts to acknowledge the reality of what Sasuke’s done sooner than Naruto does? Also extremely appropriate, very in-character for both of them. Her taking Sai’s words to heart and deciding that the promise she asked Naruto to make when they were children is causing him to suffer and she has to relieve him of that burden? Juicy! AND thematically significant (promises!!!! the burden that a promise places on a person, especially when it can't be kept - we've seen that before in this story and we'll see it again). Her anguished pivot from wanting to protect Sasuke to realizing that she has a responsibility to protect the countless innocents who will die because of the war he’s trying to start? HELLO THIS IS INCREDIBLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Her knocking out the classmates who agreed to help her so they don’t have to share in her burden (and so the only person Naruto will hate when it’s over is her)? BRUH. Her being so committed and focused on her goal of saving innocents and protecting Naruto (not just from being harmed by Sasuke/the Akatsuki, but by the possibility that Naruto will someday have to hurt Sasuke himself) that she tries to take everything on by herself and walks into a confrontation that she absolutely cannot win?? INCREDIBLE. (Literally the first time I watched this, I said, “Finally!!! It’s Sakura’s turn to go off the rails!” I laughed with my sister about how Kakashi isn’t even mad, because Naruto and Sasuke have been pulling stunts like this for years and Sakura was way overdue for her own meltdown.) And then, after Kakashi intervenes in the fight - Sakura barreling back into the battle when she realizes he’s going to take on the burden of killing Sasuke himself in order to spare her and Naruto the horror - “I can’t let Kakashi-sensei bear this burden!” I love her for that.
And then, of course, in the end - her not being able to do hurt Sasuke after all. Despite committing herself to the act, despite forcing herself to put her feelings for him aside, despite resolving to stop him from starting a war and killing innocent people, she can’t harm him. She cares about him too much. This, too, is thematically significant - think about Itachi’s “you don’t have enough hatred” - she doesn’t have enough hatred to kill someone she cares about, even if it seems like he deserves it, even if would be the right thing to do to protect others. She can’t do it, and Sasuke almost kills her for her compassion.
I love the dynamic this sets up between her and Sasuke, for a few reasons:
1) Personally, I think Sasuke respects Sakura much more for trying to kill him than he would have if she’d just tried to talk him out of his behavior or beg him to come home (a la their original confrontation in Part 1). This is the first significant interaction he’s had with Sakura in years, and the fact that she does something SO contrary to his memory of her is an important demonstration of the fact that she’s not the same girl she used to be. Sasuke spends a lot of time after his defection declaring to his old team “I’ve changed; I’m not that person anymore,” but this is one of the moments where he’s forced to acknowledge that his teammates have changed, too. Time didn’t just stop for them when he left. While he was turning into someone new, so were they. They grew up without him, and his old memories of them can’t encompass the whole picture of who they are now.
(This is a little tangential, but in general, I love the spectrum of reactions that Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi have in this sequence, and the way that all of them are ultimately messages Sasuke needs to hear. Sasuke - who we know textually regrets what he did here, who apologizes to Sakura for it later - for “everything,” in fact - needs Naruto’s aggressively optimistic open-arms policy, yes, needs that potential, that unconditional possibility of return. He also needs Sakura’s refusal to let him hurt her friends and start a war that will kill thousands of people, needs her surprisingly ruthless attempt to take him down; needs just as much her failure to do so, because it shows him that she still loves him too much to kill him even as she condemns him. And he needs Kakashi’s grim line in the sand, needs someone who very possibly won't hesitate like Sakura (despite the horrifying personal cost), someone who will try to reach him but also won't let him escape and become the next generation’s Orochimaru, who won't let him cause untold suffering to untold numbers of people just because a teacher loved him too much to stop him when he had the chance.
(And then even Kakashi chooses not to deliver a killing blow when he has the opportunity -)
(I know that in fandom people are more likely to be all, “oh, Naruto Good, everybody else Bad,” but I don’t think the narrative frames Sakura or Kakashi as “worse” than Naruto in any way. The story goes out of its way to make it clear how desperately they don’t want to hurt Sasuke and how much they care about him. And [this is just my interpretation, so obviously I won’t claim it as fact], I personally think that Sasuke - Sasuke, who, looking back, can see how lost he was then and how tortured he would have been if he’d gone through with many of his plans - would be grateful to Sakura and Kakashi for making an attempt to stop him when he couldn’t stop himself.)
2) On the other side of this, the fact that Sakura wasn’t able to deliver the killing blow means a lot. Sasuke was incapacitated under that bridge; he was completely at her mercy - but she stopped with the kunai an inch from his back. She couldn’t kill him, even though she knew that he was completely willing to kill her (because he'd attempted to Chidori-assassinate her from behind just a few minutes ago). That’s huge! Sasuke is too out of his head right now to process this or understand it, but later, it's going to matter. She stayed her hand. She spared his life. She loved him too much to hurt him, even when he’d given her every reason to take him down. She hesitated, and he almost killed her for it, but her inability to strike him ultimately gave him yet another chance to come home, another chance to get better, another chance to have a life outside of his pain. Despite everything, some part of her still hadn’t really given up on him, and that knowledge will matter later, when he’s finally able to acknowledge it.
The point of all this is to say that I really have no complaints about Sakura and Sasuke’s dynamic in their S10 confrontation. This season is the point where Sakura fully grows past her “girl with a crush” stage and into her “shinobi must make very harsh decisions” adulthood, but it never means that she doesn’t care about the person she’s trying to take down. Her ultimate inability to deliver the killing blow remains a dangling lifeline for her relationship with Sasuke, an open door that Sasuke is able to walk through at the end of the story (literally, in fact, when Sakura opens that portal for him and saves him from Kaguya’s desert prison, and figuratively, too, when Sasuke apologizes to her).
3. she only wants to save you
The last stage in their relationship is what Sakura settles into during the war arc. She started off Part 1 being just a girl with a crush, then tried to harden her heart and put her feelings for Sasuke aside in service of the greater good, but she was unable to actually follow through and kill him, and because of that, what she’s come to accept by the war arc is actually two things: that 1) Sasuke truly is willing to let her die if it furthers his goals, and 2) she wants to save him anyway.
She has no intention of pursuing Sasuke romantically. She knows full well that Sasuke isn’t interested in her. She even knows that Sasuke isn’t really on their side (there’s a great scene where Sai questions Sakura about Sasuke’s return, and she reassures him that everything is fine, and Sai sadly thinks to himself “even I can tell your smile is fake”). She’s well-aware that Sasuke didn’t try to help her when Madara stabbed her. She’s well-aware that he left her to die in the lava pit. She’s also well-aware that none of this is enough to make her stop loving him. He doesn’t have to care about her - she still cares about him. She still wants to help him. She still wants to save him.
This is not hidden, hard-to-parse character development. It’s explicitly articulated on the page:
Sakura’s not trying or wanting to make you hers! She only wants to save you.
I’m not sure if people look at this last confrontation and unquestioningly take Sasuke at his word (as if we haven’t just read 71 volumes/watched 700 episodes showing us how how painfully distorted his thinking is), or if they stop reading/watching before the end of the scene, or if they don’t understand that Sasuke saying something doesn’t make that statement an accurate representation of reality. The entire point of this scene is to show us how deeply mistaken Sasuke is about Sakura (and, by extension, the rest of Team 7). He’s locked into a false pattern of thinking. His single-minded focus on revenge and destruction has blinded him to the unconditional love his friends feel for him; he’s become so accustomed to using others and being used that he can’t understand or accept that someone would care about him without needing a reason, without needing him to love them back, without needing to receive something from him in exchange.
Sakura’s not trying or wanting to make you hers! She only wants to save you.
Sasuke matters to Sakura as more than a love interest. He always has. She does love him romantically, yes, but she doesn’t only love him romantically, and her desire to help him is not and has never been contingent on him returning her feelings, romantically or otherwise. Sasuke isn’t able to acknowledge that in this scene, but that doesn’t mean we’re supposed to just sit back and agree with his warped perspective. Kakashi is the one who’s explicitly positioned as the voice of the narrative here. We, as the audience, are supposed to recognize that Kakashi is the one telling us the truth.
[tangential thing 1: You don’t have to love Sakura's last plea to Sasuke here. It’s not my favorite, either - the best part, other than Kakashi’s speech at the end, is the moment after Kakashi collapses when Sakura’s expression changes from pained uncertainty to pure rage, when she grits her teeth together - when I first saw that, I almost leapt out of my seat like “Oh my god. She’s finally going to let him have it. It’s finally happening - ” I wanted that so badly, and I still think it would have been a more effective writing choice for Sakura’s last words to lean more into her anger at the suffering Sasuke is causing all of them (himself included!) and less into yet another of Kishimoto’s “let me have Sakura articulate what a shame it is that she can’t do as much as Naruto despite the fact that I literally just went through a major reveal sequence in the war to show that she’s caught up to the boys; I can’t make up my mind about whether I want her to progress or not” - it’s extremely frustrating (and it's something he does at the very end of the S10 Team 7 reunion, too, which is the ONLY moment of S10 that falls flat for me). But at the same time, even if there are ways this sequence could be more satisfying, it doesn’t change the fact that her plea to him is not remotely motivated by a desire to be with him romantically and not anything to condemn her for.]
[tangential thing 2: I do like how she remembers that moment when Sasuke says “Thank you.” That panel precedes her saying “If there’s even a tiny corner of your heart that thinks about me…” (which I’m sure is one of the things that people like to criticize about this scene, aka “oh she’s sooooo self-centered” etc), but that particular line of dialogue is preceded by that particular flashback panel for a reason: Sakura knows that Sasuke DOES think about her. He thinks about all of them. Sakura remembers that “thank you,” and it reminds her that despite everything Sasuke has done and said since, despite all evidence to the contrary, she knows in her bones that his expression of gratitude back then was genuine. He cared about her once. He cared about all of them. She’s trying to reach the part of him that still does, if it exists.]
[tangential thing 3: The fact that Kakashi says “she suffers from loving you,” and it triggers Sasuke to remember his own family - thinking about how much he suffered (and still suffers) from loving them - “Perhaps…those are the ties to a failed past” - the idea that it’s not worth it to have bonds if it means you suffer this much…that it’s too difficult, it’s too painful, and if Sakura and the rest of Team 7 were smarter they would just give it up (all Sasuke knows how to do now is sever potential bonds before they can hurt him; so why aren’t Sakura and the rest of his teammates doing that, why can’t they let it go, why are they making this so hard - ) << yeah, he clearly doesn't care about her/them at all.]
4. the shadow of my family
This has all been a really long way to answer the original question, but the short response to “What do you think about the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura?” is “I really care about it,” just like I really care about the relationship between Sasuke and Naruto, just like I really care about the relationship between Sasuke and Kakashi. And I don’t think the story ever asks me to choose between them.
I’m not sure whether it’s the impact of Boruto-era “canon” that gets in the way of other people approaching things this way (I don’t consider sequel material when I evaluate the original story), or if it’s Kishimoto’s frequent disinterest in/disrespect towards female characters, which yes, does sometimes make it harder, or if it's a shipping thing (bane of my existence), or some combination of factors, but for me, taking one member of Team 7 out of the equation hobbles the rest of the story. I can’t read/watch Naruto while hating one of the protagonists and loving the other three. It doesn’t work like that for me. The story wasn’t written that way, and there’s nothing in the text that would cause me to receive it that way.
That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with disliking one of the main foursome (or any character, for that matter) - obviously we're all going to have different preferences, and everyone is free to enjoy or reject whatever parts of a story they want, or to like or dislike whatever characters they want. I know that some people have more fun disregarding canon and doing their own thing, which is fine. My own personal zone of enjoyment comes from receiving the story as closely to how I think it was intended to be read as I can, and personally, when I look at this particular story, what I see is that all the members of Team 7 clearly demonstrate their love for Sasuke in ways that he himself later recognizes and acknowledges. All of them are driven by their desire to save him and their unwillingness to hurt him. All of them make repeated choices to chase after him when he runs away, to trust him when he hasn't exactly earned it, to give him another chance when he doesn't appear to deserve it. ALL of them, not just Naruto, do these things multiple times throughout the story, and Sasuke owes his life (and thus his eventual recovery) to ALL of them, many times over. Kakashi disobeys Hokage-elect Danzō and breaks the law to negotiate for Sasuke's life with a foreign head of state. Sakura and Kakashi both have opportunities to kill Sasuke in the Land of Iron, and they choose to spare him instead. Kakashi stops Sasuke from killing his only friends at two different points in the story, which would have been a mistake Sasuke couldn't have recovered from. Sasuke would have died in Kaguya's desert dimension if Sakura hadn't saved him (Sakura, who knew that Sasuke wasn't even truly on her side yet, who knew he'd abandoned her for dead multiple times already that day). Kaguya's bone bullet would have killed Sasuke too, if Kakashi, with his intention to die in Sasuke's place, hadn't leapt in front of it (Kakashi, who also knew that Sasuke wasn't fully on their side yet, who also knew that Sasuke had abandoned him for dead earlier that day). Sasuke and Naruto would have BOTH died in the Final Valley if Sakura and a severely injured Kakashi hadn't chased after them to heal their injuries.
Remove any one member of Team 7, and Sasuke never makes it home. Without the combined efforts of all three of his teammates, he doesn't survive. That’s the way it should be, thematically, for a story whose first and most foundational premise was the importance of teamwork, and since Sakura was just as essential to that framework as everyone else, I’m just as invested in her relationship with Sasuke as I am in his relationship with everyone else. You can’t remove one leg from a four-legged stool without damaging the integrity of the entire structure, and for me, discounting any single member of Team 7 irreparably damages the integrity of the entire story.
TL;DR: I love all of the Team 7 relationships, including Sakura and Sasuke's, because despite what some segments of fandom seem to believe, the text of the story never gives me any reason not to.
#naruto#meta#replies#anyway that's that! hopefully that is a helpful answer#thank you for the question! i honestly don't think i would have ever gotten around to writing about this if i hadn't been directly asked#i love talking about the stories i enjoy (obviously; we all do; that's why we're here)#but i'm usually ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about responding to takes that blatantly misread the narrative to justify hating a particular character or ship#mostly because a) it's whatever. as long as people mind their own business and leave me to enjoy myself they can do what they want#and b) some opinions are so divorced from the actual text that they're not worth discussing#like. what's the point of responding to random internet posts saying that sakura was selfishly pursuing sasuke as a lover the entire time#when that is textually and provably not the case?#if you're that committed to experiencing things in direct contradiction to what the narrative is asking of us then just go ahead#is it mildly annoying to me? sure. but so are lots of things and it's better to just let stuff go#like - i initially planned to take this piece of meta all the way up through sakura and sasuke's last scene together#the one where he tells her 'maybe next time' and finally reclaims and redefines itachi's forehead tap (INCREDIBLE. THIS SCENE.)#but ultimately i changed my mind because everything i wrote for that last section was coming out too harsh#i generally prefer to talk about fandom stuff in a chill/friendly approachable way#but i kept thinking about the most obscenely & disrespectfully inaccurate read of that scene i'd ever seen#and i couldn't figure out how to talk about it in a non-scathing way#that scene and the one where naruto gives sasuke's headband back are the ONLY well-written things about the finale of naruto#they are SO perfectly constructed and i can't respond to people slandering either one without feeling an urge to kill#so i just deleted it. partially because again - this is fandom; it's not that serious; people can do what they want#but also because i know i get extra frustrated about people picking over the text and plucking out isolated bits and pieces#to contort into blatantly misinterpreted mutant shapes that 'confirm' whatever pre-existing judgments or ships they had#instead of experiencing the story as a cohesive whole & keeping in mind the greater context of what it's always been trying to communicate#people on this website say 'we all interpret things differently :)' as if it means no one can ever be wrong about what a text is saying#newsflash: not all interpretations of a text are valid. things can't in fact mean whatever you want them to mean.#the ***story*** persists and exists even if the author is dead to you#if you choose to ignore that then that's fine; it's just fandom; who cares. but i'm not going to pretend you're 'analyzing' anything.#(ok now i'm really done. you can see why i deleted this section XD)
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wow wow wow ok ok ok ok
so im partway through the wardance event in HSR 2.5 and my mind is SPINNING
in particular finishing the most recent main quest with the Borisin, then hearing about Igor Haft of Belobog...
it's FASCINATING to me how the civilizations in HSR seem to not only follow a path that they value, but a path that they need and end up getting very little help from
belobog following the preservation because their small, impoverished planet is constantly under threat of death and destruction... such that very little is actually "preserved" with any success
the xianzhou alliance following the hunt to root out and eliminate their enemies without mercy... only for those same enemies to stir up trouble from within their own ranks, with the xianzhou luofu in particular failing to realize until two major disasters had already been set in motion. and even before then, considering everything implied with dan feng, i doubt this is the first time they've faced internal conflict like this
penacony following the harmony to ensure the happiness and unity of their people, only for what little harmony actually exists to simply cover up the turbulence and suffering belying every luxury... such that the order arose in the first place to deal with what the harmony couldn't, a thick undercurrent of inequality and divisiveness that plagued every worker, every poor soul that saw penacony as their safe haven, their last hope
that those desperate for preservation would come out with so little, with so many wounds. that those desperate to hunt down threats would be perpetually plagued by internal betrayals and setups. that those desperate for harmony, peace, and unity would allow its weak to suffer until the only option left is not prosperity but silence and preconceived "happiness"....
it's just fascinating to me how those following a path actually have the least of it. it's fascinating how the pathstriders of the preservation are on the brink of demise, the pathstriders of the hunt are under threat of ambush, the pathstriders of the harmony struggle to remain united and fair to their people.
#hsr spoilers#hsr#hsr 2.5#im dying. im losing my mind im dying#IVE HAD THIS THOUGHT WITH AVENTURINE SPECIFICALLY BUT. NOW IT'S THE WHOLE COUNTRY (? CITY?) OF BELOBOG#RAAGAGGGHHHHHHHHHH#maybe i shouldn't have said pathstriders but i don't know how to distinguish between individuals vs countries/planets/ships here#anyway whatever im sure it goes for pathstriders too.#WITHIN THIS CONTEXT... the path you follow not being necessarily your determination. but what you want the most#robin following the harmony because of her doubts in her family.. that she wants to CREATE and secure that unity and fairness#aventurine following the preservation because that's all he has left. if he loses anything else he's as good as dead so#all he NEEDS is to hang on to his life. it's all he has it's all he needs. as long as he has that then he can keep moving forward#towards what? who knows. it's one step at a time for him. he's living paycheck to paycheck with his life. he'll figure out why it's#even worth preserving when he gets there.#sampo... wish i knew him better. but for him i think it could be that a certain amount of nihility is necessary to survive his lifestyle#anyway yeah i just. im thinking about it#my post#my posts#don't remember which tag i usually use for that hfndgbd
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Digitalised + coloured + redesigned version of my Suiren and Vaatu sketch from two days ago, as promised!!
Coming up with Suiren’s design was a very long process of trying and failing because after you’ve drawn 9+ different versions of one character, the creativity starts to run a little dry, but I’m actually really proud of this one, she looks absolutely adorable <3
(Also yeah I did mostly just scribble Vaatu’s pattern because who has the energy to draw the all out accurately. Not me, that’s who, I’m chronically tired. People who draw him on the regular have my utmost respect. He’s still a funky little guy though :D)
Bonus, Raava incessantly screaming inside Suiren (and being completely ignored because Suiren is tired of her) while all this is happening:
#and yeah I did say I’d do a fuckass background but all my energy went to figuring out Suiren’s design#plus I suck at backgrounds so.. woe. LoK screenshot be upon ye#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#avatar suiren au#original character#sotrl suiren#vaatu#I don’t really know what to say in these tags lmao#usually I reach the tag limit really really easily but between my previous post and answering that ask I’ve ran out of things to say#someone please indulge me in this au I have Way Too Many Thoughts about it#hmm…#you know. I think people often make different avatar aus because they dislike Korra or think she’s a bad avatar#I don’t. I love Korra. I would kill and die for her#(says the red lotus stan. yes I’m well aware. no need to call me out)#and I think she’s a good avatar who was dealt a shitty hand both in universe and by the show’s production team#I’m making this au BECAUSE I love Korra. if Suiren is the avatar Korra gets to be a normal SWT girl#she’ll get to grow up with her parents. not isolated and degraded all the time for not being perfect. maybe she’d have a sibling or two#and Suiren gets spared her sotrl trauma too. win win for everyone!!#(I return Suiren gets the weight of the world on her shoulders lmao. but it’s fine. 1. she isn’t alone in it. she has her family#2. three quarters of the LoK threats are basically automatically eliminated for her. the RL are her parents. she fuses with Vaatu#and all she has to do to defeat Kuvira is to take her dress off 😁 /hj. basically. she’ll be okay. better than in sotrl at least)#also look. I love Suiren. she’s my dear child who’s been with me since I was 12. of course I wanna make her the main character in everything#and dark avatar Korra AUs have been done countless times before me. Kat’s doing one right now!! I just wanna do something that’s my own#and also I wanna focus less on pain and trauma for once and more on the sheer hilarity of the shenanigans that will occur post-fusion#cause this isn’t Adumbration where Korra lets Raava go and fuses with Vaatu instead. here Suiren’s got both of them at the same time#and they have 10000 years’ worth of grievances to air out. it’s like living with your divorced parents#trust me I would know. except mine aren’t divorced. they’re Worse and everyone wishes they’d just separate#anyway. that aside. Suiren’s not getting any sleep any time soon while those two duke it out
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anyways. my very first attempt at malenia
#elden ring#my post#this starts late (?) bc i didnt want to get the cutscene in the clip but fumbled to start the recording bc she does kinda rush you#and i was not at all prepared#anyways im genuinely tempted to just write a long post dumping my thoughts on malenia and her fight and how im puzzling through it#ive reached peak intrinsic motivation elden ring#the only reason why i probably should wait to make the post is bc ive only gotten as far as first phase half health#i have another recording thats abt a minute and a half long attempt and i gave it a few tries today#its worth mentioning that the night before i decided to finally start fighting malenia i told my friend (who managed to beat her) that bc#a lot of the last few endgame bosses didnt take me too long to beat i was worried that malenia wouldnt take me very long#and he just told me she would throw me into a meat grinder. and i lasted 12 seconds against her after that intro cutscene#anyways the fact that she's a very straightforward and easy to see boss makes it very easy to break her down and figure out how she#works n why she's hard and figure out a plan and everything i really like it. no particle effects just some sparks and sword trail lines#i keep getting caught by her flurry attack n today my plan (while talking to my friend) was to figure out why i kept getting caught by#it despite it being very obviously telegraphed n then putting together why i struggle with it. its REALLY fun to think technically abt her#anyways. fun part abt me getting killed by the grab + impale is that i honestly wasnt sure if that was actually implemented in the game#bc id never seen it in gameplay and. here we go. ten seconds in there it is
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find a blorbo (nhl tag game)
RULES: Go through the roster of each NHL team and find at least one player that you can root for.
tagged by @bondedpairs!! when i say too many teams to count and here for the narrative um. i may not have lied. this is not an extensive list of my blorbos but in order to make it not ten thousand years long i made up the rule that i had to do it straight from memory :)
anaheim ducks: as evidenced by recent events i DO like mason mctavish and trevor zegras but i have to honor laura and mention troy terry and beloved goalie gibbie*
boston bruins: oh for sure brad marchand… can i say patrice? one of the charlies got traded but i think mcavoy is still there because gryz is gone, brandon carlo is there still i think
buffalo sabres: cozens & thompson, owen power, rasmus dahlin, ukko pekka luukkonen
calgary flames: is chris tanev still here? is markstrom still here?? noah hanifin?? as a last resort i’ll say blasty
carolina hurricanes: aho & jarvy & teuvo teravainen & brent burns is still playing maybe? i know sepe got traded
chicago hockey: the bedsy narrative is compelling but ANDREAS ATHANASIOU MY BELOVED reunited with tyler bertuzzi… that’s the real story. also i like foligno
colorado avalanche: gabe landeskog, whatever ross colton & miles wood have going on, natemac + jo, mikko
columbus blue jackets: have long been on the merzlikins train, have been swayed to the darkside of umich boys (brindley, kent johnson, fantilli, blankenburg who is now on nsh)
dallas stars: seggy! mush! roope + miro and otter and robo and wyjo (rip ty dellandrea) and harls! etc.
detroit red wings: MOST players. dilly larks, moritz seider, jv, raymond, rasmussen, kitty, lyon, etc except for k*ne
edmonton oilers: mcdrai, ofc. nugent-hopkins, nursey, rip vinny & skinny
florida panthers: tkachuk, reinhardt, sasha barkov, verhaeghe (is there still?)
los angeles kings: adrian kempe… kevin fiala… danault… quinton byfield & alex turcotte
minnesota wild: kirill, marat, fleury, brodes, fabes, boldy, moose, middsy, spurge… god’s perfect idiots
montreal canadiens: going out on a limb here to say martin st. louis but also xhekaj (both), slafkovský, suzuki, my austrian reinbacher, yes fine cole caufield
nashville predators: MOST BEAUTIFUL D PAIR IN THE WORLD GRADY SKJEI AND ROMAN JOSI!! juuse, evangelista, isn’t stamkos there and also someone else who absolutely should not be
new jersey devils: nico… tuna (tatar), dawson mercer, siegenthaler, dougie hamilton, yes the hugheses whatever
new york islanders: barzy, zeeker & marty, anders lee, noah dobson lol
new york rangers: mika & chris, lafrenière & k’andre, shesterkin
philadelphia flyers: frosty & beezer and tk and sanny and the new baby michkov and coots and scooty loots and foerster etc etc. you know the Guys
pittsburgh penguins: the two headed monster but also compelled by rutger mcgroarty, and kevin hayes was there!!!
ottawa senators: timmy stü & brady! josh norris! the evolution of shane pinto! ullmark now and brännström and claude giroux and chabot
san jose sharks: ekky, thrun, mario, borde, logan couture, shakir, that other vaguely blond rookie
seattle kraken: brandon tanev, andre burakovsky! grubauer & d’accord also
st. louis blues: jordan kyrou, nathan walker (is still there?), rob thomas? is parayako still there?
tampa bay lightning: hedman, point, they dumped so many guys after the cup run… is kucherov still there or is he in nashville?? anthony cirelli (notable for being made out with by pat maroon)
toronto maple leafs: mitch, jt, willy, alex nylander, kniesy, dewar, et
utah hockey: crouse, keller, tuba
vancouver canucks: quinn, brock, petey, jt, garly, höggy, i want to say dakota johnson, elias lindholm?
vegas golden knights: brandon montour is here now… alex pietrangelo, so sorry to one i can’t remember who loves the lions it will come back to me
washington capitals: full of love and stupidity. oshie, nicke/ovi, pierre-luc dubois, dowd, vrána, milano
winnipeg jets: adam lowry!! josh morissey and kc and morgan barron, also vladdy my beloved
tagging @stillfertile + @colap1nto + @songsandswords + @moregraceful if they haven’t done it yet, i know they follow at least a couple teams. if anybody else wants to play i love adopting blorbos!!
#it is literally my DREAM to get challenged by someone about how many hockey guys i can name because i am a freak like that#and i make up arguments in my head for fun. please Try Meeeee#me when i wear all of my different crewnecks out & make up an imaginary argument where i have to list five guys from every team… ok why not#in doing this i hope i expose so many of you to narratives and also don’t show my ass because we’re at the point in the season where i go#‘he got traded WHERE???’ & i forget where everyone got moved around 🫡 everyone who watches a game has to deal with me regularly going WAIT#tag games#liv in the replies#this is secretly just a love letter to everyone i follow who got me invested in these narratives. i WILL adopt ur interests &speech pattern#and like. it very much does NOT even come close to reflecting the narratives i have and will be invested in#hated my own rule as soon as i made it but it prevented me from creating an even MORE elaborate set of rules which was like. would you#actually root for this guy playing hockey vs are these all narrative characters so you need to them be able to back it up with a fic#which. given that it’s BLORBO i was like none of them are about to named on the basis of their hockey and also i am a giant hater#if you’re playing the red wings i want you to lose if the red wings are out i cannot guarantee who i will root for. it is up to The Spirit#this took me too long… worth it#like I don’t know as if i’ll ever make a proper pinned post but this is high in contention simply for the fact that i just Talk about Guys#you guys missed the part where i tried to do it in alphabetical order but completely forgot all teams that started with a p and colorado#among other teams and then i had to google ‘32 nhl teams’ because i could not for the life of me figure out who i was missing. rip ottawa#which is so funny because i love so many guys on their team. like. this list is such evidence of my BLANKING on the spot under pressure.#*everyone who saw this say stolarz no you didn’t. listen i knew ONE of them had gotten traded 😭 and literally during the pre-season det/tor#game today i heard ‘stolarz’ and went OH FUCK NO OH NO and wheezed my way here to fix it.
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god i love sadist. rewatched all her dsmp animations again and. theyre so fucking cool man
#my post#.... yknow. im currently sat in my dorm away at school studying animation#which i almost certainly would never have gotten into if it hadnt been for sadists work#which is fucking crazy to think about#like. this time 4 years ago i was thinking 'man id love to animate but i could never. its too complicated id never figure it out i dont hav#the software or the tools to make anything worth watching'#and then i found sadist. and then i learned she fucking drew warriors on her PHONE with her FINGER and i went 'oh. oh ok. maybe its not#impossible'#and now here we are!! ive been animating for about three years now! ive been doing it nonstop all year! im in school STUDYING it! i want to#work in the industry!#anyways yeah. shoutout sadist all her work is so fucking cool and i miss her
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Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll. ♡ The result was almost 50/50, so I’ve followed my gut and given Royce his own blog. If you’re interested in interacting with him, give this post a like or drop me a DM and I’ll follow you from there.
#technically the sideblog vote got more than a separate blog#but i've never used sideblogs for characters so i chickened out#figure this is worth a try and if it doesn't work out i can always being the hot-rodder back here#i'll ofc still be working on things here too#starting with the to-do list i posted#i've got the free trial of photoshop so i'll make the moodboards a priority#for now i'm off to my first pole fitness class#wish me luck! 🤸🏻♀️#◈ — ooc; saddest little baby in the room
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Reverse Rapunzel
(TW: Discussion of suicide/suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, and anorexia.)
When my anorexia was at its worst, I lost most of my creative functionality, and went from writing like two songs a month to one in all of spring. It's scary watching your ideas dry up, and losing your ability to lose yourself humming a tune that you've never heard in your lifetime. So when I was new-diagnosed and dead inside, I was briefly delighted when, in two days, I finished composing a song that I felt was objectively good, more classical and more melodic than anything I'd made up till that point, I was proud. I called it the Tower for awhile, then Reverse Rapunzel, in that the princess got herself out of her prison this time.
And I was happy, briefly, happy enough that I uploaded it on an otherwise-dead account, since I wanted it to be heard.
Two days later, I took it down, and I spent the next 18 months trying to clear it and everything associated with it from my computer.
I wanna explain why, since it scarcely makes sense that I'd spend years of my life trying to avoid remembering the tune to the song.
Intrusive thoughts are very difficult to describe if you don't have them, because you know they're irrational, but you're helpless to their narrative. I'm not talking 'what if they dislike me', or 'maybe I should throw my glass of water at someone'. I'm talking having a voice in your head that is telling you, vividly, to pick up a knife and be over with it. I'm talking closing your eyes and getting thrown out of your own body for a half-second by the intensity of the image of your own corpse that your imagination conjures up. I'm talking seeing your own headstone for the hour you spend trying and failing to sleep, and seeing the numbers on it very vividly, dead certain that you won't make it to the end of twelfth grade. What these thoughts said was whether you want to live or not, it isn't your choice.
What's scary is the way that intrusive thoughts latch onto other things, and poison things in your life. The way you stop being able to talk to people, because if you explain why, you'll cry. It's terrifying to have your own brain invaded from the inside, and to be able to do nothing to stop it.
Reverse Rapunzel was built around a very repetitive leitmotif. Three notes, over and over and over. Extremely catchy. Problem was, the intrusive thoughts took hold of the way Reverse Rapunzel repeated and repeated, and heard fate. That is, they decided, arbitrarily and awfully, that the repetition signified inevitability. If it gets stuck in your head, you'll kill yourself.
I couldn't bear it, because I could still remember the melody, and I couldn't put it out of my mind. I thought it was going to kill me, and there was nothing I could do. So, in a vain attempt to clear it out, I went through my computer, and deleted as many files as possible associated with the piece, or moved them to a backup drive to rot. I'm fairly certain the original Sibelius score file no longer exists, even on a backup.
This ritual provided brief relief, but even so, the melody stuck in my brain, and continued to haunt me until I recovered.
I've never had a formal OCD diagnosis - I took the intrusive thoughts largely as a corollary of starvation, and since they mostly disappeared when I recovered, I suppose they were - but I can't begin to say how terrifying this experience was. I didn't tell any friends, and I haven't talked about it online before. It was too shameful, and too horrifying.
But last year, I dug back through my computer, and found that one of the score files (though not the original) is still intact. And sometimes, I'll listen to it on repeat, over and over, for an hour or longer. I'm glad it's still around, but even so, it feels cursed. It's bittersweet - I'm relieved that the piece wasn't wiped out so brutally that I can't find it at all, but at the same time, it still feels kinda heavy to listen to. A solo piano song that's almost entirely 3 chords and a simple tune shouldn't do that.
So I'm glad that the piece and I survived this, and I wanted to discuss it, since I don't think people can easily understand just how terrifying and bizarre these things can be. But yeah. It was weird and it was scary and I still can't make sense of the irrationality of it.
#i've been listening to it on loop tonight and i figured 'y'know what? this is a story i've wanted to tell for a long time so here goes'#tw an#tw suicide#tw suicide ideation#tw si#ocd#intrusive thoughts#long post#after this happened i didn't really compose again for six months. too scared/unable to think#i'm glad it's over. but if i can get across what it's like. how horrible intrusive thoughts are. then this story would be worth telling
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I never liked to travel and i dont have much drive to see new places, like the pictures are ok with me for the most part. But if i had a way to travel id do it for food. Like if i was a dnd character and i had to have a motivation to go adventuring itd be trying different foods... it blows my mind how many ingredients ill never get to try
#barking#this post was prompted by youtube recommending me a vid of someone freezing marshmallow paste#i have always wanted to avoid a situation of being in america but that made me think like damn. i would go to try the food there#not that i cant get my hands on some marshmallow fluff i prolly could but theres a lot of stuff... steak bagel ect ect#we have bagels here but like you know what i mean#and well obviously not a day goes by where i wouldnt sell my kidney to be able to go to china#im trying to figure out so often if there will ever be a situation again where my mom ends up at a chinese airport#id cry with joy. id weep. i miss those jars she brought back so much#i would straight up fly to an airport do shopping and then just go back. itd be worth it for me#and well theres so much stuff. just all the vegetables and fruits and flours youll never try#you can go to a chinese restaurant but it wont ever be the same. like when my mom was telling me about the dumplings she ate in tibet...#the fresh shrimp in spain...#PROSCIUTTO IN ITALY i was fortunate to try that one. heaven on earth.#politically i believe in keeping the produce reagional as much as possible yanno icould survive without being able to buy avocado every day#bad avocado at that. id just love to be able to go and try it yanno in holand is where mine grows!#but i could get my ass over to america for it too#holland. i meant netherlands.
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Reblog to ramble in tags, if you share this from me you're fucking weird
#fact checked#everything said is verifiable#IDK if there's enough information to link that Vance is taking plays straight from the Nazi party but he did say this#it seems too on the nose to be a coincidence but I have some thoughts on that#I don't know who this Joel Swanson is that he would know all this off the cuff either#The woman hit also very much doesn't like Haitians which is suspicious AF#Final thoughts: the President has the power to try to pass some kind of measures now to protect immigrants but is not going to#the fact that this is happening around the election at all is definitely suspicious#but I can't definitively say if this is evidence of Republican Nazi ideology#especially with how beneficial this is to Kamala that it appears that way#or if there is foul play here which party is reponsible#I think either party is more than capable of framing the other#the democrats have motive to create a false story as well which is worth acknowledging#especially to make their opponents seem dangerous#I don't know that the Democratic party didn't hear what Vance said and fabricate ALL this as some kind set up/framing attempt-#because they saw the opportunity and I still don't think they have the pull they need#this Joel immediately crawled outta the woodwork to make accusations that linked into something Vance JUST said#And this news source only has medium credibility and says “a Post reporter” witnessed this at random and was on scene asking questions#Jack Morphet and Patrick Reilly cowrote the article but with how much attention this has now I'd love to hear more about the witness#and again why this Joel knew all this trivia offhand#I'm just having a really hard time figuring out which party is the fascists this election because it's starting to look like both of them#I'm leaning towards the Democrats are reponsible given just the timing and that there is one solitary suspicious article#and how much this benefits Kamala
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I'm just too obsessed with this man.
Here, have another tiny little clip. I'd have said "out of context", but the subtitles are still there so I guess there is a little bit of context still there.
It isn't even anything that special, but like, all these tiny little moments. I just, I can't.
Look, I'll be honest, I doubt I'll ever share actual long scenes or anything. But these tiny little random moments, like the "ah... hello" I shared before, or this? These I feel are great for sharing. Idk.
#baldur's gate 3#baldurs gate 3#bg3#Astarion#I'm finally getting the bg3 tags as suggested tags so I don't have to type them out anymore#would prefer to use them with cap letters still but I'm too lazy to type them out everytime so lowercase you get#not so for astarion's tag though I can't bear using that in lowercase - probably none of their names#not that it really matters to anyone probably; it's most likely just a me thing to be bugged about#is this worth a post? idk; but I felt like I had to share it anyway#I was about to delete it just as I finished typing this all up figuring this isn't worth sharing or anything cool or funny or interesting#but meh this blog isn't meant to be professional or anything so who cares; here have it tags#starsthoughts
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bonking my head against desk.mp4
I wasted time on something unimportant and that I didn't even care about again!!!!! I'm gonna Lose It!!!!
#neocells#AAAAA#It's so embarrassing like how did I even fixate on something like that!!!!#I mean it was an ''organize something'' ''put something together'' and ''match things''#so of course I did#but the thing itself was not even worth it#esp not at night#esp not when it's a bad dress up feature#esp not when it somehow took up to two hours#it was so unexpected too like it was rlly supposed to be just throw something together. it was BITMOJI. on SNAPCHAT#THIS ROUTE HAPPENED BECAUSE I REMOVED BITMOJI AND PUT IT BACK. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LET U HAVE A NORMAL PFP#I feel insane dude#I am in disbelief#like surely I read the timestamps wrong from when I last messaged the person I was talking to. surely#I thought it was 30 min to an hour at best#really ignored said person and my cat (in my attempt to Escape and finish because I could tell I was losing time awareness)#because I get paranoid if I pause and go back I'll get caught up in it again and waste even more time!! yet in turn#that makes me waste more time anyways!!!!#now my cat is taking a nap nearby.#I was going to give her attention and she gave up!! because I pushed her away in my desperate attempt to get the dress up thing over with!!#not to mention I was tense the whole time- I thought I was ''about to get up'' and not uhhh sitting here for an hour plus#I know at least... 5-10 minutes was just messing with the filters since I hadn't been on snapchat in ages so I was curious#maybe another 10 trying to figure out if the pfp can be a normal one. though there is a separate profile where u can? for some reason?#so I was being indecisive abt the pfp and background for that#even though idk if that matters either like who even sees that. how does that work#and that still leaves all the rest of that time wasted#unless the profile setting stuff was more than I thought too..... who knows at this point#could've wrote all that in the post but was already doing it here. I'm not abt to attempt to put it in the post instead
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