#figured id ramble to the void

[apollumihelios]

as a second generation immigrant, it's weird and a little frustrating to try and create a world inspired by my culture when i feel so disconnected from it in the first place. it feels like something is missing from my life and I don't think any amount of research and studying will fill that void. but im trying. everything I am revolves around this world I've created and it's been a good start for me to reconnect with my greek roots after being denied it for so long.

I've been writing on and off for years, but only properly began this endeavour about four years ago when I was really questioning my life. to cope with everything I began making maps of a simple fantasy world, and creating small towns with insignificant lore in minecraft. but I became bored of creating standard medieval stories, I longed to see my culture within a genre I loved so much.

ultimately what pushed me to commit to writing was the lack of greek characters that were actually greek and well written, and not just used as a joke or to push a personal agenda (see literally every 'retelling' made by non-greeks).. not to mention if anything greek happened to be in fantasy media, it's either an extinct culture with the classical aesthetic or the focus is only on bastardizing the olympians. that's all we're seen as; a dead culture whose only value comes from the gods. and that's just not true.

I wanted a world where the focus was on the people and their way of life, rather than the gods and epic wars. I wanted stories about families, friends, and lovers who didn't have any divine power at their behest. I wanted to read about the intimacy of the mundane, the beauty of being, and the tragedy of trying. I wanted to see my culture represented in a way that wasn't through the western eyes -- which even I have been tricked by. I want greek stories told by greek people.

I don't know if my work will be any good, or worth anything to anyone. maybe I'll get scared and none of it will see the daylight. I know this won't bring me any closer to understanding what I've missed out on, but being able to learn and create something is enough for me.

[storgicdealer]

OKOKOK so im re classpecting the sticks bc i understand much more abt classpects now than i did when i first classpected them. i hope you dont mind if i drop em here bc youre very smart and you know both avam and hs so

tsc - lord of space (this stays, its way too narratively relevant for it not to)

green - prince of breath (very passionate, perfectionist, tries to be carefree even when he cares way too much about what other people think)

yellow - mage of light (moreso on the knowledge front than the luck front, similar to rose but more active in his role, likes to figure things out but using what shes previously learned)

blue - witch of life (FEFERI WOOO obv shes very witchy, leaf feels like theyd be more rebellious, life player bc its very energetic and tends to take on a healer role in the group)

red - knight of heart (tends to jump straight to protecting her friends, very impulsive and passionate/soulful, acts confident but is sometimes more hesitant than others realise)

victim - thief of hope (man i was so on point with this one)

chosen - mage of doom (has a lot of firsthand experience with doom and suffering, also suffers from their aspect, and very good at causing doom *cough* chosen has never won a fight on the right side *cough*)

dark - heir of time (very destructive by default, causes a lot of death, RED 🔥🔥🔥, but also logical, at times a bit too laid back and chill)

striker - maid of mind (maid im not sure on i just wasnt sure what else to do, mind bc shes very straightforward, thoughtful, plans ahead, very serious and logical)

purple - prince of blood (accidentally or on purpose fucks up almost all his relationships at some point, at the same time is also the reason most of his friends met in the first place, Prince = royalty theming, also matches with green)

mango - rogue of life (acts very skeptical and un-lifey but takes life from others to give to the people they care about)

gold - sylph of hope (loves to cheer people up, very hopeful and energetic demeanor, fairly childish, wants to make everyone happy all the time!!!)

hangman - bard of rage (calms people down, fairly chill compared to the other players, prefers to support and wishes people were more peaceful and mature)

ballista - knight of breath (session lacks breath for reasons i dont feel like describing rn, acts chill but actually feels like he cant live up to the title of Hero and isnt that carefree, protects the few people he attaches himself too <- that one scene in his original short where he draws upon the memories of his friends to open the door)

hazard - seer of void (ngl this is mostly just process of elimination but hazard feels pretty void oriented tbf. hes so chill hes not minding anyones business)

paleo - witch of heart (same as above </3 very passionate headstrong etc etc)

sorry for the word vomit in your inbox i want to talk to you more and idk how to initiate conversation other than random infodumps

OH I ABSOLUTELY DONT MIND PLEASE DO SEND ME STUFF LIKE THIS

oh this is so good. this is so good

my knowledge on classpects is probably slightly closer to surface level than yours lmao but from what i get GOD yes !!!!!! yellow being a mage of light / red being a knight of heart is literally them hello. absolutely. its in their code

PRINCE OF BLOOD PURPLE !!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO !!!!! thief of hope victim OH this is so good. im eating this up (id say my victim leans towards being a rogue a little bit. my whole rambling on how much i associate the motif of them being a "divine being sharing the gift of the animators with the outernet" typa thing) mage of doom chosen DONT even joke with me lad. im shaking him shaking him so hard

MAID OF MIND AGENT !!! MAID OF MIND AGENT !!! (even if not a maid shes still very much a mind player methinks)

oh knight of breath ballista oohhh ... this is so smart oh my god (and very obviously. already fits with one of his forms in "wanted" of literally looking like a knight lol)

wait i just realized green & purple knight and princ. cinder im gonna. im. oh this is SO good

[writtenonreceipts]

Rowaelin Month Day 16 Mob Au @rowaelinscourt

Here is a moodboard of a fic that will likely never see the light of day. Mob/Mafia inspired fic. Random rambles beneath the cut:

im sharing this because i've been sitting on it for a while and i wanna talk about it even if it's just into the void

so originally, i wanted this to be a lysaedion fic, mostly because there aren't many fics about them out there and I wanted to try my hand at it

it was going to be a little darker with lots of death and murder and essentially about two individuals trying to find answers

Aelin is stuck in the Assassin's Guild, her entire life has been devoted to them and she is only alive and only the person she is because of them.

And then one day a new face shows up in town insisting he be let into the Guild. Now, the gang is very secretive, very careful, and they will look for any excuse to kill an outsider. So naturally the new person (rowan) gets the crap beat out of him

Leading to Aelin taking pity on him and the classic "who are you and why would you do this?" convo takes place. resulting in smirks and lies and call outs and the "im looking for someone" "who?" "ill let you know when i find her"

There's a gang war brewing and no one knows when it'll strike and what the catalyst will be: The Valgs have always been silent with the occasional body splayed out on cathedral footsteps, the Bane lurks on the outskirts of the city, only striking near the full moon (someone is very dramatic over there) and then there's the Cadre that is mostly just a myth because they've been quiet for ages now

and then a body shows up one that Aelin knows and she realizes something strange is afoot so she has to team up with rowan (she'll kill him later) to figure out what is happening and then huh look at that feelings

then comes the big reveal of aelin being the daughter of major crime lord Rhoe Galathyinius who really wants his daughter back and someone was supposed to find her and hey look at that, Rowan is looking reeeeeeal awkward

someone dies (fenrys cuz i've always wanted to kill him off and maybe connall too just because), near death experiences, "who did this to you", one bed, cleaning each other's wounds...

there's elorcan and lysaedion in the background

and yeah, i'll never write it probably

mostly because i've got no time and based on how previous long fics have gone, it would flop

chapter one is hidden deep in my docs and is probably one of my favorite scenes i've written in a while

it's been there for a year now but i just never could push past that first part. but it was fun to write

40s vibes, mayyybee 50s, id do some more research if i were to see her off the drafts stage...

[mel-addams]

Where's Your Heart That Beats for Me?

[Image ID: A young Bakura stands in the center of a room next to a corpse, the two of them surrounded by eerie dolls and other toys. A collapsed lamp illuminates the scene like a spotlight, casting sharp shadows across the room. Bakura stares out at the viewer, his left eye large and dull, while the right half of his face is deeply shadowed with a bright red, sinister eye. His loose, oversized shirt is splattered with blood, and he clutches a doll by the hair in his right hand. The corpse at his feet has a cleaver sticking out of its head, and is missing its right arm. Dozens of dolls are arranged in a widening circle, all facing in toward Bakura.

Incongruous with the bizarre scene, the walls of the room are painted with a cheery blue sky, grassy hills, and floating pink-yellow butterflies. Scribbled with chalk across the landscape in child-like writing are erratic, repeating phrases from the Sleepless Lullaby song. The phrases include: the word "empty" layered several times over itself like an echo; the line "whisper through the twisted corners" repeated down the wall; "eyes that glitter" surrounded by simple, glaring eyes; and "hello I walk into empty" trailing between.

/End Image ID]

~

Bakura: Where's Your Heart That Beats for Me?

Yugi: Single Out the Shadows

Marik: Waiting Silently for Hours

I was playing through the Nursery in SWL, and the ghost-possession experimentation made me think YGO thoughts (as I rambled about on my main blog here). And if Yugi and Ryou were part of it, you know Bakura would be responsible for the doll room...so I grabbed a screenshot, and did an edit. Figured I'd try to go for a Change of Heart sort of impression, given the harsh shading from the lamp easily enabled it, and it'd underline the experiment in duality. Also tried to get his doll to look a little like Necroface, using dark shading instead of a cracked hole. (The way he's holding it is also a nod to the scarecrows in the game, some of which use these creepy dolls as magic foci.)

For those unfamiliar, Sleepless Lullaby is the quoted song—and is the only thing that plays in the Nursery, on loop, as a way to (try to) condition and pacify the kids. (As you can see, it did not end well for the folks running the facility.)

~

Bonus versions: glowy magic eyes for extra eeriness, and what it looks like without the screenshot (because it...actually kinda works in a grey void):

[goodfully]

ahh okay truthfully, as much as i like tumblr i still feel really awkward with it... goodness i feel like an old person that doesnt know how to use social media hfkehfm (like tagging? such an easy way to organize things! but i dont intend to "help ppl find your post" hahaha) but i like rambling to myself a little too much, into a void-like non-void?

anyway i just wanted to talk to myself again about upcoming reading plans hehe! i have about six weeks left before i leave my books and move out for grad school, and its going to be a really busy six weeks too. im really hoping i can finish reading hermann hesse, steppenwolf and elena ferrante, neapolitan novels!!! ahh but i read quite slow and its likelier that i wont be able to finish five books during this time, esp when my brains extra dead and messy while im packing or being with family members. i really hope so tho!!!

hhfh about steppenwolf... only read the authors note so far and ahhhh!!! hesse said that altho anyone can interpret what they read the way they want to, he hopes that his readers wouldnt misunderstand that this book is about man despairing, but rather that it is about man healing and believing. god god god i love hesse i actually havent read that many books by him yet, but im just so excited to finally read this one!!!

okies so i only just finished reading the brothers karamazov today (!!!) but ahh!!!!! seriously my favorite book ever. i wish i had actual words to say about it, now that ive actually finished reading it, but. ah.. words! i really love it a lot and theres just so many lines i wish to never forget. my goodness, the ivan monologues, zosima chapters, and ending speeches at the end of the trial...!!! theyll all forever be with me! ahh theres really too much to say, i think if i wanted to id need to pick one of the many many things from the book in order to talk about it more. i honestly want to bring this book along with me when i move but its so heavy hfjsjf and i have very limited space in the suitcase</3

i think reading about religion and god and everything in general does drive me a bit crazy. from what i know of dostoevsky (very little hahaha), he struggled with faith and believing in god before being a more devout christian. maybe thats why i liked tbk so much. i was just talking about it with my friend earlier! ive.. never been religious growing up but i still have that childish dream wishing that i was. my dads parents were christian and my moms family is daoist, but neither of my parents pushed anything on me, tbh they both didnt have really strong beliefs either. but still now i wish i just had full belief and trust in god, any god or deity.. just please let me believe in anything really. drives me insane. how can you have undeniable, unconditional divine love? i do wish i understood it so well that im able to love everything, but it frustrates me so much that no matter how much im trying to understand it, im not. and i think my interest in philosophy has more to do with figuring out what and how to believe than id like to admit.

i hope no one else sees/reads this but i also kinda hope someone does and gives me book recommendations... books that make me feel like i did during the zosima chapters hahaha

[hungeringheart]

i love how you consider that games without a space/time player /can/ be won somehow instead of immediately shutting all options down! i understand the need to follow 'canon' too, but i just can't help but think of things like, "in what ways can we bend sburb? what things could we possibly exploit in order to win without following the normal route to winning?"

one of my favourite things to ponder is what classpects would be needed to win a game without a time/space player, because there's so many choices you can go with. you could utilize witches, thieves, rogues, maids, pages, et cetera... and then pair them up with aspects like doom, hope, life, void, et cetera to create combinations that could alter the game and make it possible to win without having to follow the usual structure of a game!!

sorry for going on a ramble here, i just love how you view classpects! oh! and to top it off, what classpects do /you/ think could optimally win a sburb game without utilizing space/time players?? id love to hear what you can come up with!

Aw, thank you, for taking the time to write and for the lovely ask!

Here's the thing: I think almost any combination of classpects could hypothetically win, if you wanted them to. Narrative intent is a powerful thing! The operative concept is, what do you want to say with it exactly?

Given that "unwinnable" sessions are a statement by the game or Skaia itself towards the characters ("your timeline is doomed", "your session is void as if it had never been played"), it's really about what you want to say to that.

Some things are narratively less interesting to me than others, or I just am not sure yet how they could achieve "I refuse! I am a living person!" yet, but I really do think you could win with almost any given pair of classpects if you gave it all some thought from the POV of the characters.

Even just in two player sessions, Blood and Breath are very obvious candidates for stories where a major theme is that you can do anything if you reframe the situation and work together.

Doom and Void are great for situations where you want to examine what it actually means to lose and be destined to fail, and what it looks like to figure out some sort of path to not doing that, despite the odds, despite the sense of hopelessness.

Even Heart and Mind could accomplish it -- identity, faculties, persona and decision -- if you wanted to tell that type of story!

It's a little harder if you want to put together esoteric and unusual combinations like Mind and Rage or Light and Heart in a two-player session, but even then it's not undoable -- Mind and Rage would be a story about choices and the crushing sense that nothing is worth it, about how sometimes picking a path and trusting it is the best thing you can do; Light and Heart would be about how knowing yourself and knowing the world are intricately interconnected, and both essential to growing up and finding the way you need to be going in life.

The thing to know is really just that SBURB is a metaphor for growing up -- that's why it's rigged, that's I think the point of Lord English, he's a terrifying outside force meant to shape how you play and respond and live your life. It's possible to read him as the spectre of violence and selfishness in particularly American society, which seems particularly accessible to me because I live in the hood in Huss' hometown and, like, I get it.

The good news is you're not really ever done, and an adventure is self contained enough that it can just be growing through any period of your life (you could've done The Babadook as a SBURB game if you wanted). There's not actually an age limit for players -- nor a number limit save for what you can comfortably write. Canonically it is said that it's easier to win in numbers, and I think that says something important about community -- the kids start as weird little nerdy shits in what feel to them like inescapable bad situations, and Earth C is the product of a very long time spent learning how to live and interdepend together. (Then the epilogues blow ass all over this, but then that's what happens when the author doesn't even want to write an epilogue.)

There are basically two approaches to picking what's in your game, though, all told. One is what I'd like to call the roleplayer approach, where you think of a character first and then throw them at other people's, and all of you picked a classpect off of vibes, so now you have to figure out where to go from here. You gotta really know each other well for this to go well, otherwise it turns into playground shit -- you can't have a This of That, it's too powerful, power creep, I feel outclassed and outgunned, don't write your guys so competent, it threatens me!

But if you can get past all that, then you're all on one team telling a story about everyone's ocs that congeals naturally and organically compensates for whatever classpects y'all picked (the story will go where the story goes). The problem being of course that people are haunted by the demon ghost of pushy groupmates even when writing alone. Repeat after me: your guys are pawns of the narrative, and if you are any good at crafting narrative, it doesn't matter for the dramatic tension at all if they're all fuchsia lords and muses! "They're too OP" is a neckbeardism, what matters is that there are still difficult things to overcome!

The authorial approach is difficult because then you're doing it all alone, you don't have that randomness or really the desire to persevere if it looks weird. You've got to think about symbolism instead of stumbling into it, and that's rough! That means that you have unrestrained space to be self-critical. But you also get to decide what you're saying, and you can say it with singularity of purpose, in as many characters and scenarios as it needs.

You basically just look at the whole aspect wheel and you think, ok, what do I want to say is true about the world? Where am I going with this? How are these characters going to react? What are their arcs, how do they interrelate, what does that say about, yknow, these concepts they're enacting? What does it actually mean that canon insists there are these prerequisites, mechanically, and how can we play with that? What does that say about whoever designed the game?

Big things to wonder about! Much easier to just yes-and with your friends, but you get more control over the narrative if you buckle down and make the spreadsheet.

Thanks again for the ask! It helped me refine and think through some things as well. <:

[coldercreation]

skdjaks im catching up on ur recent posts cuz ive been inactive on tumblr, and i came across the one where u and some ppl in the replies lament on loving the idea of relationships but never developing crushes rlly and finding it hard to date and whatnot, and damn i relate. i was gonna comment but i wanna stay anon for now, so i am in ur inbox instead huhu. but yh i deal w the same thing, ppl have had crushes on me before, but ive never once returned them? and like even if i find someone attractive as far as i know that doesn’t translate to wanting to bone… blech. i was talking to my friend abt this yesterday, and i was telling her that maybe ill try just going on dates and figure out how i tick?? general research has led me to id as demi after contemplating ace when i was like 13 so,,, who knows rlly. tldr i am similar and i get being confused abt it H

Ohh this is so interesting actually! Like, I genuinely wasn't expecting that so many of you would relate when I wrote that post??🤔 Obviously I knew that there's no way that I'm the only one on this whole planet, but still, seems a lot more common than what I had thought!

I'd like to think that it's very much okay to be confused by these kinds of things, no matter how frustrating it can also be. That's pretty much what I've been telling myself recently. Even if I'd like to find someone I really connect with and to have a relationship, there's no rush or need to force anything immediately just for the sake of it. Maybe it can even be fun to explore with time, and to figure out those things that will make us tick?

For me it's probably more about working on my social life in general than about anything else. Especially since the apps clearly don't do it for me and there's not really any other ways to meet new people. But I'm kinda feeling optimistic about it, mostly because I've been enjoying being social so much more lately!

Thank you for sharing love! This topic has been so interesting and I've enjoyed hearing everyone's experiences xx

///

Huge RAMBLE warning lmao:

I actually brought this topic up in therapy after we chatted about it here, kinda just theorised about it while trying to make sense of it all. My/our conclusion was that, for me, it could stem from ✨trauma✨ and needing a lot of time to truly open up/warm up to people (demi?/trust issues/hyper-independence). And since the societal norm is to often move a lot faster than that, I haven't even had the time to see the possible connection/spark/whatever in people, because they've already deducted, based on me having been very cautious and closed off, that I'm not interested, and so they moved on. Which in turn could've made me feel unwanted or uninteresting or unattractive or even abandoned, y'know? So I'd be left confused, feeling like there was something wrong and unattractive? about me, while also wondering why I'm never actually interested in anyone even though I've always longed for those deep connections with people.

Nowadays I've been feeling a lot lighter and... open? I guess, and I can genuinely see a change in the way people approach me? Or maybe they've always approached me the same way but I just wasn't able to be receptive to it🤔 Dunno! But there must've been some sort of micro-visible behavioural shift in me or something, because as soon as I have started to feel like I can and want to seek out people's company and I genuinely enjoy it, people are just... suddenly there? Whereas before there was this void?? Even when I tried to change that.

And despite me not having met anyone specific I'd be interested in dating, I have felt like I could actually do it now if the right person came along. (When I tried dating through apps years ago I felt like I was forcing it. It was very surface level and short lived, didn't feel... right?) And with that 'shift', or whatever it is that's changed in my behaviour??? I've literally been dodging date invites this past year like it's a sport???? Like tf?😭😂 This is mind boggling to someone who has for years thought that no one just gives a shit about me and there's something so unattractive about me that that's why no one shows any interest... But I think it really is a lot to do with some strange subtle messages that were given off? (and maybe also me leaving the house sometimes lmao....) I believe I wrote it in one of the more brainy stories as well, maybe CYE?, that if someone's whole body language, subconsciously or not, screams 'leave me the fuck alone', people are likely to leave them alone. And if we're not aware that that's the message we're giving off, it can very easily make us feel confused and like something's inherently wrong with us.

But then again, I don't think I would've been ready for anything like this a few years back, so perhaps the brains are smarter than we think and know that it takes time to heal. My therapist agreed that not having crushes could be due to so many things, but what I was saying did track to him. Slow to warm up/demi? + (social) anxiety + trauma are a hell of a combo when it comes to building new relationships. No matter why I'm not having crushes easily, he told me to take it easy on myself and to be understanding; after dealing with mental health crap and trauma for most of my life, it'd be very unreasonable to compare myself to the societal 'standards' or expect myself to do things in the same phase as other people are. Like, I had other shit to deal with growing up, so maybe I'm just now feeling like I'm ready to be myself, and it's okay to take things slow.

(And while writing that, speaking about people suddenly being there when before I felt like no matter what I tried, I was struggling to connect with people; I just got a thank you text from someone I helped at work when they were upset about something, and they said they'd love to see me (this one is in a friend way, not a date way) outside of work sometime as well :((((( is it weird if I cry lmaooo) xx

[doomeddiary]

I pretty recently came across one of those ask game posts and in the format of "what color am i" with an edited png full of custom responses by the op and many of them were racy~~~ (breeding+watersports+more uwu) but one of them said something along the lines of "i want you to kidnap me and turn me into a snuff film star" and that made me go hmmm. Let me go and check this blog and see if what im feeling is the internal ping of intuitive pattern recognition or if this is something else, and as I'd come to find out no, miss mamas did have incest+rape paraphilias. Sad! Demoralizing! Blocked immediately! But i was still thinking about it.

(Readmore bc this gets long and rambly and tmi, cw for discussion on sexualized violence and mildly self fellating reflection over the nature of it and whatnot)

And i was thinking on how the first thing that made me pause was the innocent almost coquettish usage of "snuff" as a sexy fun cute concept, and trying to figure out what was the difference between her fetishization and eroticizing of violence and my own sexual proclivities.

Like being tmi open and honest mask off etc etc, I am heavily into bdsm, and i also love body horror. i adore blood and gore and guts and whatnot on an aesthetic and sexual level. It is largely fantasy as many of the plays id like to do are not safe or sane and i take safety very seriously, but its still something i know i am deeply attracted to and find erotic to fantasize about. So I did notice the parallels of my own deviant~ sexual tastes and hers, and i was upset and uncomfortable with those similarities bc again miss mamas is out here posting about wanting to rape st*ve h*rrington off ST like EEP... JEEPERS! and i wanted to unpack that thought and what real differences there were between these kinds of fantasies, and while my friends reassured me with "nooo youre into it differently/they're just doing it different" i didn't like the vagueness, because what is the difference?

And well I figured out pretty quickly and swiftly that it is ofc consent, which is funny given the context of "how are thy violent sexual fantasies different from thine" but yeah, while I am very into the idea of gore and blood and mutilation, it's only if like, my sub is also into it. And that they're miraculously ok afterwards. I am barred from ever being able to do any of my dream plays in real life because it would not be safe and anyone who would consent to them would probably have such a damaged or altered state of mind that any "consent" would be null and void so while its slightly embarrassing to admit, most of the time i envision fictional characters who are functionally unkillable due to some kind of heal ability or resurrection mechanic where they're not only able to enthusiastically consent but theyre ALSO ok afterwards! And its not my sole source of pleasure, i like vanilla sex as much as anyone, but it is one of those things that i know i love but will never indulge in, because i cannot and will not seriously maim or injure another person.

Anyways, all that to say that whenever i run across the "snuff as a cute sexy thing" girlies its pretty clear that the finality and lack of consent is the main draw. The idea of having your autonomy stripped from you or others as it would happen in real life is what is attractive and that will just never sit right with me, it is so clearly unsettling and unattractive to me. And yes, on its face they are both violent sexual fantasies that she likely won't be indulging in either, and I do not doubt that most regular everyday people would find my proclivities just as frightening no matter how fervently i reiterated how I'd never hurt a fly etc etc, but to me, the fetishization of removing consent is a significant aspect.

So, returning to the "snuff" aspect. The way i see it and rationalize it to myself, these kinds of crimes of violent misogyny and femicide happen literally everyday and are not titillating and having that kind of violence and removal of consent be such a central part of your sexuality is different, it changes the context of everything, I don't care anymore that it's just a "fantasy" because what you're really fantasizing about is emblematic at its core of the real violence worldwide. No fucking wonder she also had incest+rape paraphilias. Anyways.

tl;dr my sexualized violent fantasy is better than yours because the people in my imaginary fantasy fully consent and are having fun and we're all going to kiss and cuddle afterwards

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

[fullmoonfireball]

I've still got a number of chapters to go but does anyone have any advice on how to post my fic? like it's prob gonna go on Ao3 but,, should i post it all at once? space out the chapters? idk how to go about this

[aerielz]

Just found out yesterday my aunt was a figure skater when she was a teen?????? What the actual fuck?

​how did I reach my twenties without knowing this?

[pagexofxcups]

I was trying to explain to some of my friends who use twitter why I'm still on tumblr and like yes there's the obvious drama and rehashing of old arguments over there,,, but what turns me off the most from Twitter is that people can hear you

Like I do not want an actor or musicians or the damn news reading my shit posts?? I will stay over here and blog into the void thank you very much

[flamboyant-king]

Kravice is my only character with a healthy range of emotions...

[wired-heartbeats]

Oh yeah quick Fyi I tend to do a LOT of chatting and rambling in the tags, sometimes more than in the actual post

[mwolf0epsilon]

Febuwhump Day 1 - Head Wound

Summary: Gregor ponders his existence while recovering in the medbay.

Warning: Mentions of individuals ostracising someone with mental illness.

[I wasn't entirely sure what to do in relation to head wounds specifically, but I figured Gregor's likely condition after Abafar counts perfectly. So have a drabble of the messy rambles of someone recovering from a catastrophic explosion/head injury, while also trying to come to terms with his past and present identity.]

[THIS STORY IS NOW ON AO3]

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According to the records engraved within the ID chip that resided deep inside his left wrist, CC-5576-39 had been what some would call a war hero. A clone commando, captain of his own elite team of specialized super soldiers. The proud owner of an impressive reputation that would have any common CT green with absolute envy. Gregor wonders sometimes how he would have felt knowing one day he was to be consumed by a sheepish dishwasher from bumfuck nowhere Abafar. He imagines disgust and annoyance would be the correct response, for someone as elite as they came.

In all fairness, it's not like Gregor had wanted to take over Captain 39’s oh so spectacular life. Gregor was a simple man with very simple needs. Never wanted for much more than what he could hold in his plate, and kept to himself unless he knew someone was looking to socialize with him. Sure he’d wondered where he’d come from (on multiple occasions actually), but he never expected anything greater than what he had. And then he found out who’s life he’d ruined. Not that it was his fault really… He had no malicious bone in his body! Oh, but he certainly did have many broken bones right now! It took around three or so standard weeks to return to the Heart of the Republic. It would take longer still to return to its service. The few friends he’d had on Abafar had helped him with his departure. Miss Smidders, the crazy Tooka lady from the first floor apartment just above his little basement home. Sheelah Terruss and her delightful old mum, both of who lived out in the Void like the mad ladies they were. Andree’ahs Voyh’an, who worked the morning shift of his secondary job as a security guard for the mining operation…

Good people those three. Nicer than Mister Borkus had been. Too soft for Captain 39. Not that he had much of a say anymore. Nor that he had any remaining friends. Not with the prognosis Gregor had gotten on arrival, that seemed to make quite a few twist their noses in distaste…

What was that again? It was hard to concentrate right now…

Oh right. The brain injury stuff…

It was funny, really. One knock to the noggin too many. Nevermind the fact he’d survived a devastating crash that killed the few surviving batchbrothers he’d had left, plus the colossal explosion that should have roasted his shebs to kingdom come. But no, it was the repeated head wounds that screwed him up big time. Well, yeah, that and all the smoke he inhaled. His vocal chords had been pretty kriffed up, and it made the main concern all the more grating to listen to.

His pseu… Psi… Pseudal?

Focus.

Focus focus focus.

Pseudobulbar Affect! That was the name of it.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

The thingy that made him burst out into fits of uncontrollable giggles. Or crying. Or anger… He much preferred the giggles, even if they were stupidly annoying to work around sometimes. The clones that came to see him eyed him a little funny whenever he got stuck snorting and chortling like a little kid. Like he was some kind of ticking timebomb. Uh, he’d known how to disarm bombs hadn’t he? Maybe if he had one now he could try it to test that theory…

Anyway, it was a real bummer of a diagnosis. Not because laughing was the worst thing that could ever happen to him, but because you couldn’t get rid of it. Not really. But it could be managed. With antidepressant stims. Like he had the oddest case of Battle Fatigue. How weird was that?

Oh, and the rest of his medical issues? Well, bones healed and brain damage was hard to deal with in general, but he was slowly recovering. His motor functions needed some work, but the little doodles he’d taken to drawing on flimsy with a pencil he’d found were getting less wobbly by the day!

And Gregor liked to draw. A lot. He wondered sometimes if 39 had liked to draw… Probably not.

Out of every single clone that comes by to see him, he finds that he remembers very few of them. The ones he does, he thinks 39 might have actually liked. But Gregor doesn’t like them. They’re awfully rude to him because he’s not… Not what? The spitting image of the commando he was supposed to be? How should he know? Sometimes he remembers kriff all about who he’d been. He was happy to remember his squad! Loathed to remember what happened to them, but relished in the tidbits and scraps of memories that he still had of his brothers. And then these guys showed up and really got on his nerves… Some of them even yelled at him and had to be dragged away by angry medics.

At least Commander Cody was nice. And Captain Rex! He got to meet Captain Rex! And he was as cool as he’d been in the recording. Didn’t seem to have any sort of expectations when he was brought to see him in medical. Didn’t expect him to be anyone else.

Just asked him his name, how he was feeling, if the medics were treating him right (some of them were his? Was that something that happened often? Letting his men work on someone that wasn’t part of his battalion?), and what he was writing.

He seemed like he liked Gregor. Not 39. That made it easier to bare being confined to a medical cot for the foreseeable future.

Everything else was decidedly not as easy as meeting the blond.

Gregor still had a lot of recovering to do. Head injury stuff and all that, plus the fancy names for what was wrong with him that the medical staff didn’t like simplifying to “his brain getting rattled around in his skull like it was the winning goal in a bolo ball match”.

Oh, and he was apparently suffering from malnutrition? Apparently he was supposed to be bigger than the others. More muscular. Stronger. Herculean. As it stood, he was a tiny little twig. The twiggy meek dishwasher from Abafar.

He later meets other commandos from other squadrons and realises he really is malnourished. Why are they so huge? Why are the others smaller? Kaminoans made weird choices. What was a Kaminoan again? He couldn’t quite remember…

Eh, it didn’t matter. He hadn’t cried in a while, and he hadn’t destroyed another medical droid in a fit of rage. Ergo, Gregor was getting better and that’s all he cared about right now. The giggles stayed tho. They were more frequent than his other two fits. Good. The giggling wasn’t so bad. It could be frustrating. It could be embarrassing. It made everyone else uncomfortable. But it wasn’t destructive. Just… Silly. Gregor didn’t mind being silly. It meant people tended to underestimate him. Which was a mistake. He’s a commando after all!

Maybe 39 wouldn’t be so ashamed that Gregor took his place after all. Not when he was still doing great. Still helping. Still surviving. Still being the clever motherkriffer that got things done. And if he forgot things at times and started giggling in the middle of a fight? Eh… Worse things out there than forgetting what a blaster is called. Or listening to his scratchy voice.

He could be forgetting who he is all over again, and leave someone else to deal with his mess of a life.

[multi-lefaiye]

my brain is Soump but

For You

[ID: a ticket reading "one ramble ticket. redeemable at any time! (Use this to ramble about whatever you want!)" /end ID.]

yes hello thank you nico!!!! i started typing this earlier, but tumblr was homophobic and crashed??? cool cool. anyway thank u <3

also i understand Soump Brain. i hope your brain feels better. but thank u for the ramble ticket.

i think instead of doing a general overview of void-walkers, i will ramble about something i'm REALLY excited about: how my oc juno is an outlier.

so juno was the first void-walker character i created, so you'd THINK i'd base the majority of void-walkers as a concept on them. but NOPE i ended up realizing juno is a Very Fucking Weird Void-Walker. what about them makes them an outlier? WELL I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

so the biggest thing is that void-walkers typically do NOT look that different from the average human. there are things that mark them as being void-walkers, but generally speaking unless you know what to look for you won't pick up on it.

the most notable of these is that void-walkers tend to have unusual eye colors, and that one eye is always Funky And Fucky. what do i mean by that? WELL i'm still figuring out exactly what it looks like, but one eye for each void-walker is always, for lack of a better term, a ~spectral eye~. essentially it's all fucky and is what allows them to see spirits and other supernatural nonsense.

aesthetically, the "spectral eye" is very obvious because it's generally a single solid color, no iris or pupil, and has a bunch of runes n' shit. it looks really cool, i promise, i just don't know how to describe it properly. and also i haven't designed any of them yet. however, aside from that, it's generally very easy to hide.

ANYWAY the big difference here is that juno's "spectral eye" is extra fucky. it's completely solid gold, and as time has passed, golden cracks have formed around the eye, making it more difficult to hide. it also glows, but that's mainly for aesthetic.

other aesthetic things that make juno stand out: their white hair, very pale eye, other tattoos on their body (some of which aren't actually tattoos [winks]), aaaand oh yeah all of their scars are bright gold as well. all of this might seem kind of wild, but i prommy it all comes together.

i haven't worked out yet all the specifics of what exactly went wrong with juno's ritual, but a big part of it is the fact that they weren't actually WILLING. like part of making it all work is that, ideally, everyone involved should Want To Do It. i know, kind of a big ask for everyone to want to do a ritual where five people have to die, but HEY there's a reason the Perfect Void-Walker is very rare and hard to make.

so juno wasn't willing and was coerced into the ritual, they actively fought against it, aaaand there was some kind of element of the timing being off--none of those things were enough to actually make it FAIL, but it did make them kinda fucky compared to the average void-walker.

y'know i thought i'd have a little more to say here but i'm still having trouble getting all my thoughts together. might just make a separate post sometime soon outlining all these details. because i have been thinking about this a lot but sd;lfkj it's fine it's fine