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jacobhartland · 2 years ago

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if you’re hearing LONDON BOY by TAYLOR SWIFT playing, you have to know JACOB HARTLAND (HE/HIM; CISMALE) is near by! the THIRTY-SIX year old CARDIOTHORACIC SURGEON has been in denver for, like, FOUR YEARS. they’re known to be quite VINDICTIVE, but being AMBITIOUS seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble BEN BARNES. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those PAPER CUPS STAINED WITH OVERLY SWEETENED BLACK COFFEE, SQUARE FRAMED GLASSES SHIELDING BLOODSHOT EYES, DARK COLOURED SCRUBS UNDER A BLEACHED WHITE COAT, vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the CHERRY CREEK DISTRICT long enough!

trigger warning: divorce

They say that this story began in the summer of 1983, when an American cardiothoracic surgeon by the name of William Walker had traveled across the pond to attend a medical conference in London. An extremely gifted surgeon, and medical researcher in his own right, his passion for medicine–and his ambitious attempt to develop the world’s first artificial heart the year before had brought him all the way to Oxford University–where he had been invited to present his research to an audience of some of the most successful doctors, and medical researchers in the field of regenerative medicine.

Truth be told, William had only accepted the invitation in hopes of getting to meet the esteemed physicians whom he had always looked up to, and a trip to London with all of the expenses covered by the university had seemed to be quite the incentive. But what had come out of this trip had been far from anything that he could have expected when he had first arrived–he had received a job offer from the University of Oxford to help them establish the Heart Centre at John Radcliffe Hospital, and he’d had a chance encounter with Celia Rose Kensington–a British heiress–at a charity event. At the time, she had been a student at the University of Oxford, attending the event on her father’s behalf. William had spent the entire evening trying to charm her in hopes of securing a rather generous donation from her father, but he had walked away with more than just a check.

It had been love at first sight–or at least, that was what all those who had been in attendance at that charity event had attested to when they had reunited at the couple’s wedding a year later. Some might even have claimed that they were moving too fast–as their courtship had only lasted a few months, and their engagement had been even shorter. Not to mention the fact that William had left behind his research fellowship at the University of Utah to take up the position at John Radcliffe Hospital, and to be with the woman he loved–much to his parents’ disappointment, considering that they had refused to attend the wedding. William and Celia had tied the knot at the Kensington family’s country estate before settling down in Oxford, as she had been wrapping up her degree in Fine Art, and he had been working full-time at the hospital. Two years later, on August 20th, 1986, they welcomed a son–Jacob Alexander Walker.

By the time Jake had turned a year old, the cracks in his parents’ marriage had begun to expand. With William working more hours at the hospital–still driven by his passion for medical research as he had been before he met his wife, and with Celia being left alone to raise her little boy on her own–things had come to a head by the end of that year. Frustrated that her husband’s ambition had always kept him from being there for their family–from being there for their son, Celia had asked him to walk away. If his need to succeed in the field of cardiothoracic surgery had been more important to him than his family, she had offered him a way out. She could raise their son on her own, just as she had been doing for over a year.

The divorce proceedings had been just as short as the duration of their courtship, engagement, and marriage. After coming to the agreement that Celia would have full physical custody of Jake, he had returned to America–taking up a position at the University of Denver, where he had thrived as the principal researcher at his own regenerative medicine lab, dedicating his entire life to the advancement of medicine.

Celia, on the other hand, had dedicated her whole life to raising her son–hoping to see him grow up to be a fine gentleman, and also making a name for herself. She had been far too young when she had married William–nineteen when she met him, married at twenty, twenty-one when she’d had Jake, and twenty-two by the time they had been divorced. Thankfully, she’d had the support of her family, and close friends; they had all encouraged her to get her life back together. She had established herself as a successful artist, going as far as even having some of her pieces hanging at The National Gallery.

Even though Jake had been four years old when his mother had met his step-father, Vincent Hartland was the only father he had ever known. A politician who’d had a much more humble beginning in comparison to the Kensington’s, Vincent had accepted him as his own son when he had married Celia–even going as far as asking the eight year old boy for his mother’s hand, and legally adopting him soon after. To say that Jake had a wonderful, and loving childhood would be quite the understatement. As the only son of Vincent, and Celia Hartland, he had thrived. A gifted child, his impeccable grades, and his interest in his extracurriculars had caused him to be their pride, and joy. But it had all changed one day–it was the day Jake’s life had turned upside down.

Following his A-levels, Jake had expressed to his parents his interest to pursue a career in medicine–much to Celia’s disapproval. It had come as a surprise to the teenager, as most parents would have been proud if their child had told them that they wanted to become a doctor–a heart surgeon. But not Celia. She had told him that he could become anything he’d ever wanted, but just not a doctor. One thing led to another, and Jake had found out the truth about his father–William Walker, the man who had abandoned his own son for the sake of his career. While Jake had not felt any anger, or resentment towards the man–he was no father of his, Vincent was–the knowledge had sparked a fire within him. He wanted to become a successful cardiothoracic surgeon, but to also not turn out to be like the man who had walked away from him. He wanted to be a better surgeon, and a better man. That was the promise that he had made to his mother, and he had succeeded.

After graduating from the University of Oxford School of Medicine at the age of twenty-three, and completing his surgical residency in cardiothoracic surgery by the time he was twenty nine, Jake had gone on to become one of the finest surgeons in the country. Within three years, he had earned himself a reputation as a fine surgeon–pioneering in advanced surgical techniques, and publishing cutting-edge medical research. An article that he had published on using stem cells to bioprint synthetic hearts for the use of transplantation had garnered so much attention that he had received job offers from hospitals all over the world to pursue further research–while he had no intention to leave the UK by any means, an offer from Denver Health Medical Center had caught his eye. After all, Jake had become the very thing that his biological father had aspired to be when he had walked away from him–what could be more poetic than to let him see that the son he had abandoned had succeeded in becoming a better surgeon, and a better man?

It has been four years since Dr. Jake Hartland had arrived in Denver, settling in the Cherry Creek District. After taking over as the primary researcher at the regenerative medicine lab at Denver Health Medical Center, and driving William into retirement–though not intentionally, he continues to conduct groundbreaking research, perform complicated surgeries as an attending cardiothoracic surgeon, and occasionally teaches at the University of Denver’s medical school. An extreme workaholic with a non-existent personal life, and commitment issues–could anyone really blame him–he is under the impression that he is living his best life, but that’s subject to change.

#chq;intro #about

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govindhtech · 11 months ago

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ChatGPT Role in 2023’s Mainstream Rise of AI

ChatGPT Role Impact on AI Mainstream

2023 was AI-year. After launching in November 2022, ChatGPT Role became one of the fastest-growing apps, acquiring 100 million monthly users in two months. After Bill Gates stated in January that AI will be the hot issue of the year, a number of firms launched with AI tools that could make synthetic speech and videos. Since ChatGPT role was questioned to replace Google search at the start of the year, AI has advanced.

“My focus is on thinking beyond search…Do we do something absolutely different and cooler?'” OpenAI CEO Sam Altman told Forbes in January.

Venture capitalists invested billions in the field due of rapid technology improvements. Microsoft’s $10 billion investment in OpenAI, now valued at $80 billion, led the way. In June, high-profile AI firm Inflection launched its AI chatbot Pi and raised $1.3 billion at $4 billion. Hugging Face, which hosts thousands of open-source AI models, was worth $4 billion a month later. Amazon stated in September that it would invest $4 billion in OpenAI rival Anthropic, which launched its conversational chatbot Claude 2.0 in July and is now worth $25 billion.

Not all AI founders have had easy fundraising. After raising $1 billion in September 2022 for its popular text-to-image AI technology Stable Diffusion, Stability AI has struggled to raise since. In June, Forbes discovered that CEO Emad Mostaque misled investors about his credentials and potential ties. Stanford detected illicit child sexual abuse material in Stable Diffusion’s training dataset in December.

The AI gold rush also created unicorns like Adept, which builds AI assistants that can browse the internet and operate software, and ChatGPT role, which 20 million people use to create and converse with AI chatbot characters like Taylor Swift and Elon Musk. Typeface, Writer, and Jasper, enterprise-focused generative AI businesses that automate email authoring and document summarization, have also received money. Google was caught off guard by the AI tool race. The internet giant unveiled its conversational AI chatbot Bard and AI model Gemini late this year.

In the past year, AI has permeated almost every aspect of existence. The most popular U.S. school districts banned ChatGPT Role because teachers believed pupils would cheat on schoolwork. Generative AI was used for notetaking, grunt work, and patient diagnosis by doctors and hospitals. Some politicians employed AI to communicate with voters, while others used generative AI to construct deep fakes of their opponents.

AI-generated content swamped the internet, raising fears about hazardous content using freely available AI techniques. Generational AI-generated fake news stories went viral on TikTok and YouTube, and nonconsensual AI-generated porn on Reddit and Etsy. While ChatGPT Role flooded the web with low-quality AI-generated content, freelancers worried they would lose their gigs to the buzzy new AI software that could produce content faster and cheaper than people.

Companies employed AI chatbots to evaluate, interview, and attract personnel, prompting concerns about biases and hazards. ChatGPT Role helped cybercriminals write malware code and monitor social media. To address these issues, Microsoft and Google engaged red teams to jailbreak and secure their AI models.

“There are still a lot of unsolved questions,” said MIT CSAIL electrical engineering and computer science professor Regina Barzila. “We need tools to discover issues and biases in these datasets and meta AI technologies to regulate AI and make us much safer with AI.”

In 2023, artists, writers, and coders sued OpenAI, Stability AI, and Anthropic for copyright infringement, claiming these technologies used their original content without license or payment. Legal analyst Edward Klaris expects these class action cases will allow the U.S. Copyright Office to adopt new nuanced AI fair use regulations in 2024.

AI transactions abound in the legal sector. Klaris, CEO and managing partner at IP rights legal company KlarisIP, said some people are outraged that their work was scraped to create training data and want to license their content to AI businesses and get paid.

After the EU AI Act sought to regulate the technology, the Biden administration issued an executive order mandating startups creating huge AI models that potentially threaten national security to notify the government. Tech firms backed the executive order, but entrepreneurs worried it would slow innovation.

“The executive order formulated principles, which is good to articulate, but it doesn’t really translate to how do we take these principles and translate them into some technology or guardrail that helps us ensure that the tool we’re using is really safe,” Barzilla said.

Artificial intelligence leaders split in 2023 about whether big businesses like Google, OpenAI, and Anthropic should develop AI technologies openly or privately. Since anyone could misuse open-sourced AI models, safety concerns have been raised. Others, like Meta AI’s Chief Scientist Yann LeCun, who oversaw Llama 2’s development, support open-source AI stress testing.

Clement Delangue told a press event that open-source large language models will match closed-source models by 2024.

In late November, OpenAI’s board of directors fired CEO Sam Altman for not being “candid” with their representations, revealing an internal disagreement. After employees threatened to leave if Altman did not return, he was restored as CEO a few days later. Bret Taylor and Larry Summers joined the board as additional directors.

Delangue said the economics of AI, particularly how AI businesses will earn money and profit margins, will be the biggest questions in 2024. Since most AI models are trained on massive volumes of data using GPUs like Nvidia and AMD, they are becoming more expensive and carbon-intensive. Delangue predicted that most companies will understand that smaller, cheaper, more specialized models are better for 99% of AI use cases by 2024.

Read more on Govindhtech.com

#ChatGPT #AI #chatbot #openAI #Microsoft #LLM #technews #technology #govindhtech

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jinxedpanda4life · 4 years ago

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DamiRae Hospital AU?

No I am not writing one, if I could write well I would though! So here are some HCs for a hospital AU. If someone decides to write this then I’ll be your first reader. Also I am sort of basing things off of Grey’s Anatomy just a bit and my limited knowledge of the medical field.

- Starts of as 1st year residents, specialties may vary

- The “Titans” are residents and 1st years that show great promise, this doesn’t really play a role its just what people call them behind their backs

- Dr. Kori Anders is a OBGYN (women parts and birth) resident, a year or two away from finishing

- Dr. Richard “Dick” Grayson is is a surgery resident, trained by the hospital owner Bruce Wayne (who is a world renowned surgeon, has awards, etc), specifically general surgery

- Dr. Garfield Logan is pediatrician (kid doctor) res, bonds well with kids, but is considering going back to school to become a vet instead

- Dr. Jaime Reyes is an oncology (cancer doctor), having had cancer as a teen and is now forever trying to rid the world of it, works mostly with kids and teens

- Dr. Jonathan Kent is a physical therapist that works with pain management. Up beat guy and is always trying to brighten his patient’s lives.

- Dr. Damian Wayne is a surgical intern, blood thirsty little thing, hoping to become a neurosurgeon (brain, spine) (or cardiothoracic (heart, lungs) both are competitive)

- Dr. Raven Roth is an anesthesiologist (the drug person that knocks you out) and is starting her surgical internship (she wanted to do more than just help people get high essentially or whatever) has no current preference for any specific surgical field

- Add in characters:

-- Dr. Jason Todd, trauma surgeon (fits too well)

-- Dr. Timothy Drake diagnostician (medical detective basically)

-- Dr. Donna Troy gynecologist

-- Terra Markov is a nurse (i don’t like Terra but nurses are the actual best)

- Story stuff:

- Damian and Raven meet as they are put under the guidance of the same resident

-Damian has an automatic dislike for Raven because she knows everyone already and is equally, if not much more, knowledgable about surgery, the OR, the ER, protocol, etc He also thinks she is cold because she rarely shows emotion (pot kettle Damian)

- Raven can always be found in the medical archives researching old cases and studying new ones, Damian stumbles upon her when looking for an old cardiomegaly case (enlarged heart).

- Raven gets along with all of the past ‘Robins’ making her a go to intern

- Garfield can be seen whenever he is not needed trying to flirt with Nurse Markov and often goes to Raven to sulk

- Damian and Raven are always early to pre-rounds and are typically the first ones there (usually early in the morning, getting there before 500)

- Jon bumps into Damian more often than not and they start becoming friends (Damian is reluctant at first and is still you know Damian about everything), Damian even recommends patients to him

- Though Damian doesn’t want to really ‘hang out’ with anyone he reluctantly hangs out with the Titans, because of Jon and Dick

- When in a large group when at a bar, club or whatever Damian tends to stay close to Raven because 1) they actually have things to talk about 2) she isn’t loud

- Raven & Damian are both assigned to a case that is frankly befuddling and have to start spending long nights and early mornings together to figure it out

- Over that period of time they learn things about each other:

-- Raven learns:

Damian has a dog (Titus) and cat (Alfred)

He is single (Kori told her) and lives in an apartment close to the hospital

He has lived in various countries

He is trained in multiple martial arts

He prefers his tea with brown sugar and a slice of lemon

His eyes are a true emerald color with a ring of gold and flecks scattered within

He may hide it well but when Raven compliments him he becomes flustered

He speaks to himself in Arabic when he curses, trying to remember something, doesn’t want anyone to know what he is saying

He isn’t always an asshole

When he actually smiles a true and genuine smile, she has heart palpitations

-- Damian learns:

Raven has two tattoos (neither are a bird), a gang tat (she is saving up to get it removed), and a mantra in Azarathian; Azarath Metrion Zinthos

She immigrated from Azarath when she was around 8

Her notes are in Azarathian

She actually feels a lot of emotion and knows how to control them

If she is not reading about a current or past case she is reading any book or file she can get her hands on, he has caught her reading in multiple different languages; Azarathian, English, French, Russian, Arabic, Dutch, Mandarin, (could be more or less)

She lives alone and has a cat, Nevermore, and thanks to Dick he already knew she was single

She likes all tea, no matter how prepared, but prefers the sweetener to be honey

Her hair is black but shines purple, especially under the ER lights

Her eyes are a purple that at first glance look blue, like Elizabeth Taylor, he realizes though her eyes are galaxies on their own

When she smiles the world actually stops moving, her eyes shine like stars and he never wants the world to start moving again

She always wears a necklace with a gold and ruby ring at all times (it was her mother’s wedding ring)

- When Damian starts having le feelings for Raven he considers actually seeking medical advice as this has never happened to him before

- Raven tries her best to contain her feelings when at work, going so far as one day a month staying home just to scream, cry and feel her feelings

- It does not help that new feelings towards Damian start popping up, especially since he starts bringing her tea and hanging out with her at work

- During the middle of their 2nd year of residency someone holds Raven hostage in the hospital to fix someone that person loves (this person had connections to Trigon and knew who Raven was)

- That was not a fun time for either Damian or Raven; Damian was outside the hospital pacing trying to figure something out with the other Titans trying to calm themselves and him down

- Shots are fired and when all is said and done, Raven gets shot in the abdomen and the hand (she was in ICU for a hot sec)

- Damian seemed to be there every time Raven woke up, he was always checking on her during rounds even though he wasn’t on her case

- Raven did have to have surgery on her hand and in her abdomen (idk where i’m not getting that specific), she hated being, in her words, coddled

- Even though Raven was right handed (the one that got shot) she learned how to do everything, writing, eating, going to the bathroom, etc. (many of the other residents are impressed since she keeps working on it after her other hand heals)

- Raven’s room also becomes a space for other residents to destress and just vent about their day. She listens and gives advice, all without looking up from whatever she was doing.

- During this time Raven becomes hooked on Pretty Pretty Pegasus

- Raven’s room is also full of cards, flowers, etc all from fellow staff and some from patients. When she leaves (she spends a couple weeks in thanks to multiple surgeries, recovery, and other minor injuries) all of the gifts litter her apartment, the cards end up in a box by her desk, she presses the flowers, and stuffed animals are donated to children’s shelter (she keeps some that she has grown attached to)

- During this time Damian is more of an ass than usual (people notice and tease him)

- Damian at some points keeps working without breaks/sleep for hours on end. Dick pulls him aside after noticing, scolds and forces him to sleep in one of the on call rooms. (He really wanted him to go home, but Damian wasn’t leaving)

- Once Raven was discharged Damian and Garfield help her back home (clothes + gifts + Raven w/a healing hand/other injuries = need help) the other Titans would have helped but were needed at the hospital

- Garfield leaves after dropping off Raven and Damian (and her stuff) as he is called in on a Peds case (could be fake, may not be) and Raven & Damian spend the rest of the time basically watching terrible movies. (with Nevermore sitting on both of them)

- That is the night Damian realizes that not only does he like Raven, but he like likes her. He starts devising plans on how to get her to date him.

- All his plans basically are thrown out the window because of one reason or another (he kept overthinking it)(poor guy)

- It is not until their 3rd year of residency that Raven realizes her feelings towards Damian (Have I made it clear she likes him? I can’t remember...)

- She realizes her feelings when she has to crash at his place for a night (because he lives ridiculously close to the hospital, like how expensive is that??) and he tries to make sure that she is as comfortable as possible

- She never realized how much he cared for her? Like she was always helping him out and there for him but she never realized he reciprocated that care? *Shocker*

- Raven becomes kind of a mess because of all her emotions that she is trying to bottle up. (all the corks are disintegrating and the jar is overflowing)

- Raven is during her Ortho rotation (bone surgeon people, they are cool, ik from experience) that she actually gets a good release for her emotions (setting peoples bones and drilling and hammering in pins is actually therapeutic)

- Raven thinks that may be the specialty she chooses

- Damian saw her as a mess and could not fathom why she was said mess, he figured it was about a romantic interest after someone made an offhand comment about her love life and she became a blubbering mess (very un-Raven like)

- After all of well *motions with hands* that Raven asks why Damian doesn’t have a s/o or someone

- He says there is only person that he has been meaning to ask out (looks pointedly at Raven)

- All Raven says is “Go for it.”

And that is where my HCs end. Now if anyone who happens upon this post decides to write a Medical AU with any of these please tag me, tell me, message me.

You do not have to give me credit, I just want to read it.

This took me a couple of days to write up, so if it is disjointed I apologize.

If anything needs to be corrected for any reason let me know!

I hope this fuels some imaginations!

-I may post more HC AU things if they come to mind, we will have to see.

#damirae #damian x raven #demonbirds #teen titans #raven #damian wayne #rachel roth #headcanon #medical au #au

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imjustwritingg · 4 years ago

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you can hear it in the silence

This takes place after Jay gets shot and the hospital scene in season 7, loosely based on the song “You Are In Love” by Taylor Swift. I’ve had this stored away half-finished for quite a while and put a crazy spin on it after seeing a prompt on Twitter. It also seems pretty fitting that I finished this specific one on the same day that JLS’s interview came out where he politely disregarded Linstead and said Upstead rights. Enjoy and let me know what you think. 💜

Also here: AO3 & FanFic.Net

cause you can hear in the silence

you can feel it on the way home

you can see it with the lights out

you are in love, true love

you're in love

XXX

��I can’t figure him out. He’s the first one through the door, a war vet, and he’d rather take a bullet than get the flu shot.”

“It’s hard because you love him.”

“When you were in surgery, no one knew what was going to happen and it made me realize I wanted to tell you something.”

“What were you gonna say?”

Hailey has replayed those moments from the hospital every day in her head since they first happened. Vanessa had straight up called the blonde out on her feelings, that it wasn’t just about her partner, Jay Halstead, but everything else he had become over the last few years of he and Hailey working together. A trusted confidant. Her best friend. Someone she could depend on endlessly. The man she had fallen for without even realizing she was falling in the first place.

When Jay had been given the all-clear to go home Hailey had somehow found the courage to finally tell him about her feelings for him. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if something else were to happen and she never got the chance to tell him the truth about how she really felt towards him. Her heart always seemed to ache in that way where she could barely breathe around him and she wanted nothing more than to admit her feelings and hope for the best.

The words had been there right on the tip of her tongue, but with one ring of his undercover phone she was pulled back to reality. The walls shot up around her heart again, made her second guess everything up to that point, and she retreated back into herself as if it were some twisted sign from the universe screaming at her, “no, don’t do it!”

Could she really tell him the truth? And should she? Or would it ruin their friendship and the partnership they’d nearly perfected over the time spent working together? She just wasn’t sure. All of these questions plagued her mind since that day, but she knew she couldn’t voice them out loud. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

XXX

Jay had returned to work a week after his release from the hospital, but he remained on strict desk duty. He was itching to get back out into the field, but Voight had made it clear that, that wasn’t happening until the sling was off his shoulder and he got explicit written permission from his doctor. So, he stayed in the bullpen, pushing paperwork and helping to find leads for his team however he could.

When he saw his partner and Burgess at Platt’s desk that night after his first shift back, he couldn’t help the pride he felt inside of him knowing what Hailey had done to capture the perp.

“I heard you made a nice disarm,” he says while looking at Hailey.

Her face immediately breaks out into a shy smile. “Oh man. You want details?”

“Yeah, I’m losing my mind,” he tells her.

“After six days?” Kim teases.

“After six minutes,” Jay emphasizes with a slight shake of his head.

Before the three of them can make a quick escape from the district, Platt calls out to Kim making her hang back. She says a quick goodbye to the duo, leaving Hailey and Jay to themselves. Hailey looks at her partner and nods to the door, and the pair make their way down the stairs towards the exit.

The bitter winds of Chicago’s winter season meet them eagerly as the pair exit the district. Hailey isn’t sure how it happens, but they end up nearly shoulder to shoulder as they walk down the sidewalk towards the parking lot. Each time they almost brush against one another she feels a rush of heat move through her body from the proximity alone. Trying to ignore her feelings was proving to be more and more difficult with each moment that passed between her and the man at her side.

“Beer and story-time at my place?” Jay suggests as they near the lot.

“Give me about an hour?” Hailey counters. She just needs a little bit of time to herself to try and clear her head.

“Sure. I’ll order food from that Greek place you like,” Jay says.

She smiles at him. “Sounds good. I’ll see ya in a bit.”

Jay gives her one of his grins, one that Hailey has come to realize is only ever used with her and one that should be considered illegal, and then the two go their separate ways.

XXX

Hailey’s nothing if not punctual. If she says an hour, she means an hour. So when there’s a light knock on Jay’s door thirty minutes after leaving his partner at the district, he’s a bit perplexed. He’s got a pep in his step though as he walks to the door, a grin plastered on his face, and ready to spend his night with Hailey.

“You said an hour. Food’s not here ye-,” his teasing tone fades out as he pulls open the door and he stands silent as he looks at the woman in front of him who most definitely is not his current partner.

“Hi Jay.”

“Erin.”

Every emotion a person could ever possibly feel is felt by Jay within seconds of each other as he stands in front of Erin Lindsay for the first time in almost four years. Her dark hair falls down past her shoulders in waves and she’s not dressed in some fancy pantsuit, but there’s still something about the way she stands with her hands clasped together in front of her that seems like she’s got things all figured out now.

All he can do is stare at the woman in front of him, as if he’s just seen a ghost. And maybe he has, as memories of their days spent together, both professionally and privately, overload his brain. It causes him to grip the door handle so tight his knuckles turn white.

“What are you doing here?” He finally gets out.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I’m here for work. Heard you went and got yourself shot again.”

Jay rolls his eyes. “Hank tell ya that?”

Erin raises her eyebrows at him then and finds herself smirking at him. “First name basis with him now, eh?”

“You’re a little late. It’s been a few weeks since the shooting,” he says, ignoring her comment. His voice is strong and curt, the complete opposite of what it’d been mere moments before when he thought it was Hailey at his door.

“I was deep in a case. I didn’t know until about an hour ago when I talked to Hank on the phone,” she explains.

He just shakes his head at her. “Doesn’t answer my question. What are you doing here, Erin?”

“He told me how bad it was. I was in town and I wanted to know that you were okay. Can I come in? Please?”

Jay stares at her for a moment, wanting to say no, but something inside of him doesn’t let him get the word out despite the whisper of a voice in the back of his head telling him it was a mistake. He lets out a long sigh and steps aside instead, opens the door fully, and allows her to enter. He closes the door behind her after she steps inside and the two of them stand across from each other in his living room. Jay leans back onto the top of his couch, his arm still in the sling and his other hand shoved into the pocket of his jeans while Erin stands off to the side with her hands in her jacket now.

“What could you possibly have to say to me after all this time that a phone call couldn’t do?”

“I know how I left things Jay. I know I hurt you and I know I’m probably an idiot for showing up like this after everything we’ve been through. I just wanted to see you and make sure you were okay.”

Jay scoffs at her, shaking his head. “After everything that happened? You mean when you left without saying a word to me or to anyone besides Hank? Or do you mean when I texted and called and left a dozen messages, and you didn’t have the decency to respond to a single one to let me know you were at least okay?”

The combination of the last few years of keeping it all locked up inside of him, then unloading it during therapy, and now seeing her in front of him like nothing ever happened pushes him over the edge. She really showed up, expecting years of anger and hurt and pain to be swept under the rug as if her leaving hadn’t destroyed him for a period of time.

Erin just stares back at him and doesn’t speak. Hearing the anger in his voice and seeing the pain of what she’d left behind in his eyes wasn’t something she had prepared herself for on her way over to his apartment. She takes in the lingering stain of almost healed bruises on his skin, the sling in which his arm rests. She’s beginning to think this was nothing, but a mistake. That the look in his eyes now is going to be another memory that haunts her.

Erin pulls her hands out of her pockets and takes a step forward. She doesn’t touch him, she won’t, but she needs to be closer to him, needs him to hear her words and look him directly in the eyes when she says them.

“I’m sorry, Jay.”

His eyes immediately close as he hears the words come out of her mouth. He hadn’t realized all this time that he was waiting for something from her. An explanation. An apology. Some sort of something that would make him feel some sort of relief or closure. Anything.

He opens his eyes a moment later when there’s another knock at his door and he thanks the heavens or the universe or whatever it is for the interruption.

He lets out a deep sigh as he walks to the door and when he pulls it open, he feels both relieved and panicked when he sees Hailey standing in front of him. It takes all of two seconds for her eyes to meet his and for a grin to appear on her face when she sees him. And then another two seconds later, her eyes find Erin standing behind him and her smile is gone. She glances between them, noticing the obvious tension that hangs in the air around them all now.

“Erin,” Hailey breathes out.

Erin offers a smile and a small wave. “Hey Hailey. Long time no see.”

“Yeah, it‘s been a minute. How ya been?” Hailey asks. It’s a poor attempt to be polite and make small talk, but she’s not dumb. She knows what she’s just walked in on and all she wants to do now is to turn around and leave and return home.

Erin shrugs. “Busy. Work has been crazy.”

Hailey nods then, not saying anything else and not wanting to continue the conversation. She knows exactly who Erin had been to Jay at one point, and seeing the woman who caused him so much pain and heartache causes Hailey to immediately be defensive and cautious.

“So um, rain check then? We’ll catch up another time,” Hailey says a second later, looking at Jay.

That was the last thing Jay wanted, but he nods anyway. He can tell she’s uncomfortable and he can’t exactly blame her. He’s not so comfortable himself.

“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he tells her.

Erin watches the two, a small knowing smile appearing on her face. She watches Jay as he watches Hailey, his eyes following the blonde as she walks away from him and down the hallway. The look on his face tells Erin everything she needs to know.

Jay only closes his apartment door when he hears the elevator doors chime open and sees Hailey step inside the elevator car. He turns back to Erin, running his free hand over the back of his head, while she leans against the back of his couch now with her arms crossed in front of her.

“How long has that been going on?”

He quirks an eyebrow at her. “How long has what been going on?"

Erin nods to the door, a smirk on her face now. “You and Hailey.”

“There’s nothing going on there. We’re just partners,” Jay tells her.

Erin nods, but the smirk doesn’t leave her face and despite everything, Jay still knows her well enough to know she isn’t gonna let it go. “You and I were just partners at one point too, ya know? We may not be in each other’s lives anymore, but I can still tell when you’re lying.”

“How long you in town for?” He asks her, ignoring her words.

She’s still smirking, but lets him deflect. “I head back to New York tomorrow afternoon.”

“You should go and see Voight before you leave. I’m sure he’d like to see you,” he tells her.

Erin nods, but doesn’t move. “You’re good, right? You’re okay?”

He knows she’s not only asking about the shooting, but everything else. His PTSD, his past, his life.

“I’m good Erin. I’m really good,” he assures her with a smile.

Erin nods again, looking down at the floor. When she raises her eyes back to his again he sees the tears and a look of realization in them.

“We won’t ever be friends again, will we?” Erin asks even though she already knows the answer.

“I don’t think we were ever really friends, Erin. Not really. You never let me in. I mean, really let me in. And I know I didn’t do the same with you either. Especially near the end. We both said and did things back then. We just didn’t work,” he says.

There is a sense of relief that overwhelms his senses as he says the words out loud, like he’s been needing to say them to her. And they sting like a slap to the face, but Erin gets it. She can’t hold any of it against him because he’s right. Things had been messy between them, to put it lightly. They both had their issues, together and apart, and they’d never quite learned how to deal with things. She knows he isn’t being vicious. He’s just being honest. He’s just being Jay.

“I wish things had been different for us. If I could go back and do it again, I would do it right,” Erin tells him, her voice sincere as she stands up straight and takes a step toward him.

“Can I at least hug you goodbye? We didn’t get that the last time I left,” she says quietly.

Jay nods and reaches for her with his good arm, wrapping it around her shoulders while Erin’s snake around his waist, careful of his sling. He gives her a squeeze and she does the same before the two separate, and Erin makes her way to the door. She pulls it open, but then turns around to face him one last time.

“If she doesn’t already know, you should tell Hailey how you feel,” Erin tells him.

He doesn’t try to play it off this time. He knows he’s been found out and he doesn’t have the energy to try and lie about it anymore, so he just shrugs.

“Not sure getting involved with another partner is the smartest idea. Didn’t work out so well last time,” Jay says. He makes a bad joke, a jab at them, and it’s a lame attempt to downplay his feelings and the conversation at hand, and Erin just rolls her eyes at him.

“Look, you can lie to me all you want, but don’t lie to yourself. You should tell her Jay. I can see she feels the same.”

She gives him one last smile and then she’s gone. And he’s left with the closure he never got from her before, but also with more questions than ever plaguing his mind now.

Jay makes his way to his sofa, plops down, and leans his head back against the cushions. There’s another knock on his door and he curses as he stands. It’s the delivery guy with the food he had ordered earlier. He pays the delivery guy and closes his door, looking down at the bag in his hand for barely a moment before a smile appears on his face. He’s exhausted and his shoulder is throbbing in discomfort, but he realizes right then there’s only one place else he’d rather be.

XXX

Hailey’s head is reeling by the time she gets back to her place. She kicks her shoes off as soon as she walks through her front door and then goes straight to the kitchen to grab a bottle of whiskey and a glass. She’s still in disbelief and shock that Erin had shown up out of the blue. A part of her feeling angry, annoyed, but mostly she’s just confused and curious.

Why had she come back? And why now, years later? Did she want Jay back? Did he want her back? Too many questions were clouding her head and she needed them to disappear immediately.

She pours herself a glass of whiskey and knocks it back quickly, enjoying the momentary burn as it slips down her throat.

She’s not sure how much time passes between knocking back her first drink and now sipping on her third, when a loud knock sounds at her door. She groans out, slightly annoyed, thinking it must be Vanessa. Her roommate was quick as a whip and damn good police, but the younger officer had a bad habit of forgetting her keys.

Hailey makes her way to the door, shuffling her socked feet against the hardwood floors and pulls the door open hastily. She doesn’t expect to see her partner standing on the other side and takes a small step back in surprise.

“Hi,” Jay says to her with a shy smile on his face.

“Hi,” Hailey breathes out.

Jay doesn’t miss the way her voice seems to crack with just one word. Her eyes are glassy, but he can’t tell if she’s been crying or drinking, or both. He nods down to the bag of take out and beer in his good hand.

“Too soon for that rain check?” He asks her with a smirk now.

Hailey offers him a small smile and pulls the door open further, taking another step back so Jay can step inside. She closes the door behind him and leads him through the kitchen. He clocks the bottle of amber liquid on the counter as he follows Hailey to the living room, and then the two sit down on the couch.

“Whiskey huh?” He asks, pointing a thumb over his shoulder towards the kitchen with a slight smirk on his face.

“Yeah, I was thirsty,” Hailey claps back with a smirk of her own.

Jay shakes his head at her before reaching for the bag of food. He pulls out several containers, handing Hailey’s food over to her, and the two dig in.

They eat in silence, stealing glances from the other every so often. Jay can tell something is off with his partner and he’s certain it has to do with the fact that she’d seen Erin in his apartment not even an hour ago. He can also tell she’s keeping her distance from him. Had it been any other time they’d be sat together knee to knee, eating their food, knocking back beers, and griping over some sporting event playing on television. Instead, Hailey sits with her legs crossed like a pretzel, keeping space between them, as she stays as close to the end of her couch as she can.

What he can’t gather is why she’s so distant with him. And then he remembers Erin’s words from earlier.

“I can see she feels the same...”

Did Hailey feel something for him? Something more than normal partners should feel for one another? She couldn’t think anything happened with Erin, did she? Not after all this time. Not after everything the two of them had been through together.

Jay knew this was new territory for them. They’d never crossed this line before. The line of professionalism and friendship. But looking at her now, Jay was sure there was never a time before tonight that he’d felt so awkward around Hailey. That he couldn’t get a solid read on her and it was killing him.

“You okay?” He finally asks after they finish eating. He turns his head to look at her and leans against her couch with his arms spread out over the back.

“I’m fine. Guess I just didn’t think I’d see you again tonight,” Hailey tells him as she takes a pull from her beer.

“How come?” Jay presses.

Hailey raises an eyebrow at him, silently asking if he was serious, and he just shrugs making her laugh. The sound alone makes him smile. Despite whatever was or wasn’t happening between them, he could at least still make her laugh.

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that to happen. I thought it was you knocking on my door,” Jay says, reaching for his own beer.

“What did she want?” Hailey asks, unable to help herself.

“See how I was doing. Apologize. She’s here for work and Voight mentioned the shooting. I don’t know. Guilty conscience, I guess.”

“And how do you feel about that? Her being back, I mean.”

He takes a deep breath, letting out a long sigh.

“She’s not back. She’s leaving tomorrow.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Hailey pushes.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jay counters.

Hailey shrugs. “Lot of history there.”

“I feel like there’s too much history, but there’s also nothing left between me and Erin. There are no feelings there whatsoever. I’ve moved on,” Jay tells her.

Hailey nods slowly, taking another sip of her beer and taking in his words as she looks down into her lap. She starts fiddling with the label on her beer bottle, needing to busy herself with anything other than looking in his eyes. A part of her is nervous at what she might find in those green eyes she had come to enjoy looking into so much. Maybe lies, or worse, truth.

“Hailey.”

How was it possible to both love and hate the way his voice sounded saying her name?

She takes a quick breath and looks up, meeting his eyes. Green. Smiling. Honest.

“Yeah,” she breathes out.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired,” she says as she runs her free hand through her hair.

Jay shakes his head at her. “Tell me what’s really going on in that head of yours.”

He needs her to tell him. He’s practically begging her with his eyes, but Hailey just shakes her own head at him then and stands from the couch.

“I really am tired. Maybe we should call it a night. It’s been a long day for both of us. Thanks for stopping by and for dinner, but I just wanna go to bed.”

He realizes she isn’t exactly asking for him to leave, but rather telling him as she carries her beer and grabs their empty food containers, and then makes her way to the kitchen. He lets out a deep sigh before he gets up from the couch and follows her. Her back is facing him as she puts her glass from earlier in the sink and stores the whiskey away in a cabinet.

Before he realizes what he’s doing, Jay walks up behind her and reaches a hand towards her. He feels her body go rigid the second his hand lands on her waist, and then he hears the deep breath she takes.

It’s the first time they’ve touched one another in such an intimate way that wasn’t case related or him comforting her or shielding them from flying bullets in a surveillance van. It was just them.

He pulls at her side, forcing her to turn around and his heart aches at the sight of her blue eyes. Erin was right. Hailey does feel something for him. It’s splayed out all over her face and the tears in the corners of her eyes.

“Do you really want me to leave?” He asks. His voice is so quiet he’s not sure she even hears him.

He watches as she sucks in another breath and then shakes her head slowly, almost hesitantly. He feels his fingers twitch at her waist and he takes another small step closer towards her so they’re nearly chest to chest. His arm is around her now, his hand on her lower back.

“Can I stay?”

All she can do is nod her head. And then she reaches around her back for his hand and leads him up the stairs to her bedroom. They don’t say another word to each other. When they reach her room, Hailey releases his hand and grabs a pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt from her dresser, then disappears into the bathroom. Jay slips the sling from his shoulder to remove his sweatshirt before carefully sliding the contraption back on over his t-shirt. He kicks off his jeans then as Hailey enters the bedroom again.

Her eyes linger on him for a moment as he stands in the middle of her bedroom in just a t-shirt and boxers. She gives him a shy smile and then nods to the bed. She takes the left side; he takes the right. And it feels so natural, like it’s not at all the first time they’re about to share a bed together.

They lay next to one another, ample space between them under the covers because he is still a gentleman and doesn’t want to overstep with her. He hears her blow out a deep breath next to him, and he turns his head slightly to look at her. There’s just enough light steaming in through her bedroom windows from the streetlights outside that he can make out the profile of her face, the angle of her jawline, and how she’s got her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

The awkward tension from earlier still somewhat lingers, but there’s a strange sense of comfortability around them now too. Because no matter what happens they’re still just Hailey and Jay. They’re still them. And before he can think twice he’s reaching his hand out under the covers to find hers. The sudden contact of his skin and the squeeze of his fingers against hers makes her jump and she turns her head to seek out his eyes in the slight darkness.

There’s a strange look on his face, one that she has seen before, but has tried to ignore. The look that tells her he feels it between them too, even though neither have admitted it or said anything out loud yet.

“You’re my best friend. You know that right?” He asks her then. His voice is deep and quiet, and he squeezes her hand again.

Hailey nods, realizing she’s been staring at him in silence this whole time before she says, “you’re my best friend, too.”

Jay squeezes her fingers once more and it’s quiet again as they lay side by side in her bed. He can feel it in the silence though. He can feel it in the slow brush of her thumb moving back and forth over the top of his hand. He can feel it in the way her eyes stare back at him.

There’s something palpable between them. Undeniable. It’s in everything they do and don’t do, everything they say and don’t say. They both know it, but say nothing else as they drift closer together in Hailey’s bed, not letting go of one another’s hand.

They don’t need to say anything because they know it’s just a matter of time before things change again for them. Until they finally break from their stubbornness and trepidation and insecurities that have stemmed from their broken pasts. They know this thing between them is inevitable.

#chicago pd #upstead #upstead fic #hailey upton #jay halstead #jay x hailey

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noa-nightingale · 4 years ago

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Steven Lim Appreciation Week: Watcher-era Steven

We are celebrating Watcher-era Steven and I want to talk about Hidden Narratives for this day of Steven Lim Appreciation Week!

From the description: “Steven Lim speaks with Asian American leaders across industries about how the coronavirus has impacted our community.“

There are six episodes and one of them is also on youtube. Keep in mind that these episodes were created in March/April 2020. More on that at the end of the post.

Quick disclaimer, I am not Asian American and it would be inappropriate for me to lead any kind of conversation about this podcast; therefore I attempted to keep this relatively surface-level. But I have to admit that I got carried away with this pretty quickly and I am not sure if I stayed in my lane. It was meant to be a short, appreciative post but it got out of hand - if I overstepped boundaries, please let me know.

A warning, this podcast deals with heavy and difficult topics, including racism, grief, pain, people losing their businesses, people hurting. It is also very focused on people coming together and how they can help each other - but these topics are still not easy. I still wanted to write about it because I think that Steven deserves all the appreciation in the world for his work.

The first words that come to mind when thinking about this podcast are “heart” and “dedication”. It has a lot of heart - and despite the not always happy topics, it is such a wonderful, beautiful podcast. You notice the hard work Steven put into it, the passion, the care.

In the intro of the first episode he said he was nervous when he made the podcast but that he hoped that people liked it because it would make him feel good. He explained where the idea came from: His friends talked about how the virus effected their livelihood, and he felt hurt and helpless. And he realized that he could share their untold stories.

Episode 1: How Coronavirus Shut Down A Restaurant in 24 Hours

In the first episode, Steven talks to his friend Deuki Hong, chef and owner of Sunday Hospitality Group, whose restaurants shut down in March 2020. He talked about the emotional impact of things happening so fast, trying to keep his employees safe and worrying about his team, having to question a lot of things he had been taught, and having to deal with the uncertainty.

Steven mostly asked questions and listened. Deuki Hong had to make some difficult decisions, and Steven was never judgmental about it - the podcast allowed for a very honest conversation about a very difficult situation.

The first episode very much was about trying to look out for each other, and that is a sentiment that continues throughout the entire podcast.

Deuki Hong said near the end of the episode: “When people are hurt, they just want someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, whatever that is, so be that person, just be kind, cause yeah, there’s a lot of hurt people right now.”

There is a GoFundMe set up for the team called Sunday Family Dream Fund. It is still open and has not reached its goal - the first episode of Hidden Narratives came out in March 2020 and the last donation to the GoFundMe was 8 months ago, so I am not really sure what the current state of affairs is. (I will come back to this at the end of my post.)

Episode 2: Why This NYC Restaurant Is Staying Open In A Pandemic

Steven mentions in the beginning of the second episode his “close emotional connection to the food industry” and that it is one of the reasons he started his podcast with two stories from two different restaurants. He also wanted to look at the topic of keeping the restaurant(s) open vs. closing it from two perspectives, and says that he does not know if there is a right or wrong answer.

Steven talks to Jimmy Ly, chef and co-owner of Madame Vo and Madame Vo BBQ. Jimmy Ly made the decision to keep his restaurants open. Steven started the conversation with: “Jimmy, thank you for sharing your story and I hope that those listening can gain a little more compassion, a little more empathy and a little more understanding.”

I found it touching that Steven’s first question was “How are you doing?” - it was asked in a way that allowed for an honest answer. This is also something he continues throughout the podcast, and it is very obvious that Steven is a very thoughtful and considerate person.

Jimmy Ly talked about his decision and for him, too, it is about his staff and his obligation toward them - the wanted to take care of them. Steven summed it up with “It is a choice for them between their livelihood and their safety”.

He talked about the measures they took to keep their staff as safe as possible and about adapting to the situation as best as they can.

Jimmy Ly said, if somebody on his team contracted the virus, he would shut his business down. It was obvious that none of the decisions he had to make and has to make are easy. They also talked about how Asian owned business were hit the hardest, and the drop in business for many.

The end of the episode got emotional - Jimmy Ly talked about how people who had to close their small businesses would most likely not be able to open them again. He said he and many others worked hard and that it is unfair that they could lose everything.

Steven talked about the impact Madame Vo had on him and that he could tell that Jimmy Ly cared about his restaurant, staff and customers and the food and that he poured love into it. Jimmy Ly said that Madame Vo means family to him.

The episode description includes the link to the Madame Vo website - Madame Vo Kitchen is still open while Madame Vo BBQ is “temporarily closed”.

Episode 3: FBI Warns Asian Americans Of Racist Outbreaks Due To Coronavirus

In the third episode, Steven talks to Benny Luo, the founder and CEO of NextShark, about the surge of racism against Asian Americans. He said despite growing up one of the only Asians in his school and being attacked for it, he has never seen so many Asian Americans being attacked in his life before.

From the description: NextShark is “one of the leading sources of global Asian and Asian American news”.

Benny Luo talked about the cases of racism against Asian Americans rising and that him and his team work the hardest they have ever worked in the history of the company to be able to report the stories.

He also talked about the impact of being confronted with those stories regularly - that it is psychologically draining but that his team feels a responsibility to do this work and that he is proud of his team.

Benny Luo told about someone writing to the team about the momentous moments happening for Asian Americans in the past years - and how it felt like it all came tumbling down. He said it is hurtful but that he also hopes it will be a time in history where the entire Asian community will come together.

But he also highlighted the good - there are people doing important work, in the medical field and in other fields, and it is important to be proactive - and these stories should be covered too.

Steven called the conversation “enlightening and therapeutic”. Benny Luo said to Steven: “You’re a creator, you’ve been a representative for us, being an Asian face on a really really big platform and (...) you doing interviews like this with me and you speaking up, I mean, those things have a lot of impact so no matter what it is, I think that you’ve made a big contribution in helping advance us forward.”

Here is the NextShark website.

Episode 4: On Andrew Yang And How Proving Our "American-ness" Won't End Racism

The fourth episode deals with the controversial op-ed by Andrew Yang that advises Asian Americans to show their American-ness to combat racism. Steven said that he was hurt by his words but also by the way Andrew Yang was treated as a result.

In the episode, Steven talks to Taylor Weik, a Japanese-American writer who wrote an article in response to the op-ed. From the description: “Taylor shares more context on why Yang's call-to-action was dismissive to the history of Japanese-Americans and details the negative impacts of Yang's article on the Asian American community.“

In his reflection of the episode, Steven said he did not know how to feel when the article came out - he did not agree with Andrew Yang and he thinks what he said was harmful but people also dismissed all of Andrew Yang’s previous accomplishments. Steven said he can understand the outrage. He said that he thinks that Andrew Yang can learn and that they can grow as a community.

It was clear that this was a difficult topic for Steven but he did his best to have a balanced and fair conversation and to not condemn.

Episode 5: Why American Healthcare Workers Aren’t Safe From The Pandemic

In the fifth episode, Dr. Shuhan He, an emergency doctor and the co-founder of GetUsPPE.org, talks with Steven about the shortage of personal protective equipment (PPE) for healthcare workers.

They had a conversation about what exactly PPE is and why it was so hard to get. They not only talked about the importance of PPE in hospitals but also in nursing homes. Another topic was the importance of wearing masks.

Steven said: “A lot of people are grieving and (...) I’ve been feeling a lot of pent-up sadness and I don’t know how to channel the energy.” He asked how people can help.

Here is the link to Dr Shuhan He’s organisation GetUsPPE. Once again Steven mentioned people coming together and doing good.

Episode 6: Should Churches Gather During a Pandemic?

The sixth episode is very personal to Steven - his Christian faith is the most important thing in his life. He talks to Pastor Drew Hyun, pastor and leader of Hope Church Midtown in New York City. Steven attended Hope Church when he was still in New York.

They talked about churches gathering - Pastor Hyun’s churches are meeting remotely. He said that people were missing connectivity and that’s why they decided to make services interactive and using Zoom instead of having live streams. They also switched their style of services to a style that would allow more interaction.

Pastor Hyun said what makes the situation so painful is that people share the collective grief but are still physically isolated. Steven asked how people are doing spiritually - Pastor Hyun said there was a hunger, and that people are starting to think about faith and life and God.

He said they would not be gathering because they want to be a loving community - a loving community would serve the vulnerable, deliver food to the elderly, raise money for small businesses, serve non-profits. He wanted to lean into love and generosity.

Steven talked about the challenges with his own faith - why would God allow such a devestating thing? He said he can at least channel all the energy of grief, and that giving back has been therapeutic for him. He also mentioned that churches are now more accessible than ever.

They talked about some churches not being willing to stop gathering in person - Pastor Hyun said it is a grief to him and that the most loving thing that churches can do is not to gather.

Again, the end of the episode got emotional - Steven asked how Pastor Hyun personally was doing and he told about how he tried to support the restaurant of a friend and walked out of it crying. He said it would be easy for him to fall into despair and cynicism - but that he clings to the thought that God will do something. He talked about people suffering and how hard it is to watch - and that the situation is challenging.

Steven said he would keep him in his prayers. Pastor Hyun said: “Thanks for what you’re doing and I think it’s beautiful - you’re telling the stories of pockets of light in the midst of what’s happening.”

In his reflection, Steven said that he had been struggling with the situation every day but where he can find joy and peace and confidence is God and the belief that God has a plan for him.

A few closing thoughts: I admire Steven’s dedication. I think this quote from the end of episode 3 sums it up: “I spend my evenings editing this, it’s not part of our overall business plan and probably, you know, we’re losing money from it. It’s not supposed to be my priority. But I’ve been given the green light by my co-founders, by my head of development to continue making this show.”

That’s incredible hard work right there. And it deserves to be recognized.

The podcast was created in the early stages of the pandemic. I don’t know how the people who shared their stories are doing now, about a year later. I would love to have some updates - I thought about doing some research myself and create sort of a follow-up but, again, I don’t know if I am the right person to do it.

To conclude this already too lengthy post, I want to return to the main themes that could be found in all episodes: Coming together, helping each other, creating support, being kind, channeling negative emotions into positive actions, making positive changes.

That’s what Steven is doing with this podcast and with the rest of his work, and it is very very impressive, commendable and inspirational.

#stevenweek #watcher #hidden narratives #usermarylan #usersimba #steven lim #religion

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time-machine-fart · 5 years ago

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His White Shirt

Pairings: Steve X Reader

Words: 7.1k

Warnings: Angst (a lot of it), FLUFF, mentions of sex BUT NO SMUT! and mentions of blood and gunshot wounds (NO VIOLENCE THOUGH).

Summary: Post Civil War fugitive Steve is on the run, but he is shot. He can’t go to the hospital, so he comes to the reader’s house, who happens to be his ex-girlfriend.

Recommended music to listen to:

False God by Taylor Swift

Cornelia Street by Taylor Swift

Cut That Always Bleeds by Conan Gray

This is a long story. You’ll enjoy it better if you read it slowly. Make a cup of coffee, perhaps? Just kick back and relax, and enjoy this one shot ;)

I huffed as I tugged the last piece of cloth from the hanger and discarded it into a small bucket. With great effort, I managed to close the window that thudded loudly against the barbarous winds. Breathless, I took a seat at the edge of the bed as I surveyed my surroundings. The bucket contained the clothes that I had left to dry out in the morning, because the stupid dryer broke down again. I had hoped to save them from getting wet by the rain but unfortunately I was too late. They were thoroughly drenched.

The floor near the window was wet too, because I didn’t care to close the window before going to sleep. I internally groaned at the thought of going to work tomorrow amidst the humid weather and the moist muddy ground.

I glanced at the clock, which read 11:14 pm. I was having a peaceful, dreamless sleep, until I heard the rain thumping against my window.

I spent the next ten minutes cleaning up the mess. The sudden running about made me lose sleep, so I lazily dragged myself to the living room, where I ensconsed myself in the comfort of my sofa. I switched on the TV and absent-mindedly switched through the channels. I finally settled on a news channel.

A blonde woman, in her late 20’s, stood in front of an empty restaurant, with shattered windows and broken tables. She was wildly gesticulating at her surroundings, so I cranked up the volume to hear what she was saying.

There was a shootout, apparently. Civilians were injured, only one dead. I squinted at the screen. There was something about the restaurant that I quite couldn’t place. Had I been there before? The reporter answered my question when she mentioned the location of the restaurant. It was just a few blocks away from my home. That didn’t surprise me much, because my neighbourhood wasn’t exactly posh. Crimes were not uncommon here.

I listened to the reporter yammer on for a few more minutes before switching off the TV. I gazed at the grey empty streets of Munich and the trees swishing wildly against the wanton winds. My eyes grew heavy and my shoulders drooped. Perhaps I could sleep right here on the couch and not go to work tomorrow…

But the sound of the doorbell jolted me awake.

It was 11:43 am. My knowledge about this country was little, but I knew this much that Germans definitely didn’t just pop bye their friend’s houses at midnight. It could be my brother, I thought, as I dialled the emergency number on my phone. But he lived in the UK, and he’d definitely call me before he decided to visit me. I rushed to the kitchen to find a knife. It is an intruder, I thought. I was sure of it. The bell rang again.

I tip-toed towards the door, a knife clutched tight in my hand and the emergency number on the standbye. I ducked under the peep-hole and raised my head slowly to look at the person. Observing at the silhouette, I judged it was a man. And that’s when I recognised him. I cautiously opened the door, to find Steve Rogers in front of me, after seven long months.

You’d think seven months would change a person’s appearance, but he didn’t. His dirty blonde hair that I used to run my hands through; his rosy lips that would kiss me every morning despite my protests about having bad breath; his wide and muscular frame towering over me that (to this day) annoys me and used to amuse him…all remained the same. One could look at him and say nothing changed in these past seven months, when my entire world tipped off balance and fell right into the hands of this man.

‘Steve what are you doing here!’ I asked, my voice tremulous.

'Can I come in?’ was his reponse. He was taking short breaths, his hand clutched over his side. Was he hurt? It was hard to tell. It was dark outside, and his shirt was black.

I stepped aside, and let him in. He was standing in the middle of the living room, completely drenched. His wet shirt clung to his skin and beads of water trickled down his face.

'I’m sorry for ruining your carpet,’ he said, his tone pleasant and conversationary. His hand was still clutched to his side.

'Steve you are shivering.’ I stated. I could see his teeth chattering, even though he was trying to hide it.

He just looked at me. I was wrong before. Everything was the same, except his eyes. Those once steely, blue, confident eyes now looked spiritless, soft and…hurt.

'Steve, are you okay?’ I asked him finally. I tried to look calm, but my head was spinning with thoughts. It felt surreal, having him in my room when we had promised we’d never see each other again.

'I’d feel a bit better if you kept that knife down,’ he responded. He winced a little, as if talking hurt him. I barely noticed the knife in my hand. I placed it on the couch.

'I’m gonna get you a towel,’ I said and rushed to my bedroom. I came back with a towel in my hand and instead of offering it to him, I draped it around his shoulder. He graciously accepted the warm relief around him and hugged it closer with a sigh. I heard him wince when my hand brushed against his stomach.

'What’s wrong?’ I demanded, but didn’t wait to hear his explanation. I lifted his shirt a little to see what was the matter.

'Steve, you are shot!’ Alarmed, I leaned in to look at the wound more closely. A bullet was lodged in his muscle, just above the edge of his pelvis.

'Good observation,’ he replied.

'I’m taking you to the hospital.’ I announced.

'Y/N you’re not taking me anywhere,’ he gripped my wrist.

'Steve, you are shot–’ I began.

'That’s why I’m here, Y/N. You are a doctor,’ he asserted.

'I’m an intern!’ I shouted.

'Y/N you know I can’t be seen. It’d be a big problem for me and you.’ He stated firmly.

'How did this happen!’ I was on a verge of panic.

'I’ll tell you everything, but first I need your help sewing this up,’ he panted.

Defeated, I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. My eyes flitted to the phone in my hand, where the emergency number was just one tap away. I could send him to the hospital, where he would get the proper treatment. But the US Government would capture him again, and he’d have to sit in a jail for months, possibly years – no, that can’t happen. But I wasn’t an expert either. I could seriously hurt him if I did anything wrong. A final look at his pleading puppy blue eyes convinced me to make my decision.

'Alright, fine,’ I said. 'Lie down here.’ I cleared the sofa and helped him lie down. His warm hand was still clutched on mine.

He moaned softly as his body sank in the warm comfort of my couch. He scrunched his eyebrows and his lips parted in gratification. I couldn’t help but swoon a little at the sight of him – a supersoldier with the ability to pull helicopters from the sky, now just a normal man on my couch. Perhaps he wasn’t completely invincible.

'Thank you,’ he said sincerely, his eyes boring into mine. His eyes twinkled, and the blue in them looked more prominent.

I tried to smile, I really did. I wanted to assure him and tell him everything would be okay, that I’d fix him up properly, but I couldn’t. Instead I gave him something like a half-smile and a half-whimper, and gently pried his hand away from my wrist.

I walked towards my bedroom, my face calm and composed but my confidence dropping with every step I took. I pressed my shoulder against the cupboard and closed my eyes, my breath ragged as anxiety started rising in my chest. I cannot afford to screw this up. I tried to recollect everything my superiors taught me about gunshot wounds, but my mind was in a dissaray, constantly reminding me of a hundred ways I could screw this up.

I am not going to let Steve get hurt, I scolded my subconscious. I will fix him up first and then worry about other things.

With new determination and resolve, I rushed around the house to find anything and everything I would need to do the surgery. Washcloth, tweezers, gauze, needles, I checklisted the items in my head as I collected them one by one.

I was back in the living room, kneeling in front of him while I arranged the first aid kit at my feet. I tugged at his shirt, and rolled it upwards to get a better glance at the wound, but it kept rolling down.

'Steve, I’m sorry, but you have to get up again. You need to take off your shirt,’ I said.

He groaned softly, and I felt guilty for causing him ache and discomfort. I helped him take his shirt off, and place it away from the makeshift surgical field. His chest was bloody and wet.

Fear and anxiety tugged at my heart again. Usually I do this under supervision, and with proper equipment. One wrong nerve and I could mess him up permanently.

A gentle hand on my shoulder halted my train of thoughts. Steve’s hand inched towards my neck, and my heartbeat accelerated. Was he trying to calm me down? Because that wasn’t working. My hand involuntarily crept towards his chest, which was still cold, but atleast he wasn’t shivering any more.

'You can do this, Y/N,’ he whispered, his eyes scolding me to get a grip on myself. I noticed the close proximity between our two faces, when I knelt towards him and sat on the balls of my feet. His lips tugged into a boyish smile and said, 'I wouldn’t have come here if I didn’t believe you were a good doctor.’

'Intern,’ I corrected, but a smile finally made its way to my lips.

'Intern,’ Steve repeated, as his fingers absent-mindedly stroked the back of my neck. I felt a strong desire in my heart to kiss him. I wanted to stop the time, and paint this moment right there, where he was back in my house, and we were in each other’s comfort, so that I’d look at it again and again.

But we had said our goodbyes. He was a soldier-turned-fugitive on the run and I was barely a doctor. I figured this would end some day. He finally said it, and I remember feeling numb at his words. Being in a relationship with him meant endangering my life, and he woudn’t allow me to get mixed up in his world. Governments, villains, anyone would use me as bait once they found out I was Steve’s girlfriend. Of course I protested. We shouted, argued, fought with each other for days but I knew it was a long time coming. When he left, it felt empty. I had fallen in love with the perfect person, and now he was taken away from me under the pretense of my safety. Getting over him was the hardest thing I had to do. I was not going to fall for him again.

I cleared my throat, and his hand dropped. I diverted my concentration on saving his life. It didn’t take as long as I had expected. I cleaned the wound, and managed to remove the bullet without losing pints of blood, thanks to his serum powers that healed him faster than normal people. My insides squirmed with dread as I picked up the needle that I would use to stitch him up.

I looked up at him, and found him staring at me intensely. 'Don’t look at me,’ I whispered. 'You are making me nervous.’

He chuckled weakly and looked away at the ceiling.

My fingers surprisingly moved slowly and efficiently with fine dexterity as I sewed up his wound. Apart from a few hisses and groans that Steve emitted when I would accidentally put too much pressure or prick his skin, I managed to stitch him up well. It wasn’t until I had attached the gauze to his wound when I let out a sigh of relief and slumped down to the floor. I rested my head against the edge of the couch. I was panting, as if I had run a marathon, when the only activity I had done was sit on my knees and move my hands a bit. But I felt instantly calm. The weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I had managed to not kill my ex-boyfriend.

His hand clutched my shoulder, and I couldn’t help but hold his hand. Warmth spread through my body as our hands touched, just how it did when we had first met.

'Hey,’ he said, his voice soothing and stable than before. 'Are you okay?’

I couldn’t see his face because my back was facing him, but I noticed the concern in his tone. 'Just tired,’ I sighed, and my head leaned onto the unhurt part of his chest.

I heard his breath hitch in his throat. 'I’m sorry, doll. I truly am.’ he said, his voice hoarse.

My heart tingled with nostalgia and butterflies when he called me doll. It was something he called only me.

I turned around so I was facing him. His eyes gazed at me intently that made me feel weak on the inside. 'You don’t have to be sorry for anything,’ I answered, trying to avoid sounding feeble. 'I couldn’t have left my ex-boyfriend bleed to death on my doorstep, now could I?’ I smiled.

He laughed a little at my words and his mouth spread out into a goofy grin. 'Now what?’ he said, running his fingers across the gauze.

'I’ll get you some fresh clothes. You are still wet. You should sleep here tonight.’ I said, as I got up with a groan.

Steve hesitated. 'Are you sure, Y/N?’ He looked down at his fingers. 'I mean, I don’t want to cause you any more trouble.’

'Nonsense, Steve. You anyway can’t go out in this weather, let alone walk.’ I gathered the medical supplies on the floor. I didn’t let him answer back because I walked out of the room, but I did hear a faint 'I’m sure I can still walk…’

After dumping all the materials in the kitchen, I trodded towards my bedroom, to find some clothes for Steve. I opened my closet to find all my clothes in a cluttered mess. I rummaged through the bottom section and pulled out Steve’s old white shirt that I had kept with myself. My cheeks flushed at the thought of Steve finding out that I had kept one of his shirts with me.

'Now that’s why I can’t seem to find my favourite shirt.’ A voice said from behind me. I whipped my head around to find Steve looking at me, with his eyebrows raised and his arms crossed on his chest.

'You’re out of bed,’ I said as I got up, my cheeks hot with embarrassment.

'I’m fine,’ he pulled his shirt from my hands, a mocking grin plastered over his face. 'And clearly I can walk.’

'But you shouldn’t.’ I scolded him.

I turned around to search for a pair of pants in the closet. I pulled out a set of sweatpants that my brother kept with me in case he decided to come over and visit me. I tossed it towards Steve, who catched it effortlessly.

'You still keep things messy, I see. Looks like you haven’t changed a bit.’ He teased me again. He did seem to be mocking me a lot lately, considering I just saved his life. But I had to admit before he came into my life I wasn’t exactly a functional adult.

I shot daggers at him as I shut the closet door a little too loudly. I hate it when I have nothing witty to say back.

'You can change here,’ I mumbled, and closed the door to the bedroom on the way out.

I sighed for the millionth time today as I poured myself a glass of water. Steve is here. Steve is here! I thought happily. Damn my brain for getting excited. He is here just for one night. He is gonna go tomorrow. My mind sobered up a little. To prevent myself from cooking up any more fantasies in my brain, I began making coffee.

I heard the bedroom door open after a few minutes. I walked out of the kitchen, holding a cup of coffee in my hands.

'Oh sweet, is that for me?’ Steve said, as he ambled towards me. My heart fluttered at the sight of him, looking so soft in his white shirt and grey sweatpants. Just how he looked every morning when he’d get up, his hair a mess and his sweatpants hanging low…No, don’t you dare go there.

He still looked pale and I noticed him limp a little. Legs tend to get heavy.

I laughed. 'No, silly. This is for me. You can’t have any beverages yet.’

Steve frowned. 'Not even water?’

'Normally people must not drink after getting shot.’ I took a sip.

'Well, I’m not normal, am I?’ he smiled.

'Still. Go sit in the living room. You can’t have anything unless I tell you so.’ I ordered.

Steve rolled his eyes and dragged himself towards the living room like a scolded child, his wet clothes in his hands.

'You can give them to me. You’re not going to be wearing these again are you?’ I said, pointing at his wet and bloody clothes.

'Why? So that you can keep them with you?’ he smirked.

'Oh get off it,’ I mumbled, and snatched the load off his hands. I could feel his smile broaden as I tramped towards the kitchen where I threw them in the garbage.

Steve sat on the part of the sofa that was clean and not dirty with water and blood. I adjusted the thermostat to make the room warmer and silently prayed Steve didn’t catch pneumonia or anything.

I sat beside him, careful not to spill any coffee.

'I’m sorry I ruined your couch.’ He said, keeping a little distance from my face now.

'It’s okay. It was due for an upgrade anyway,’ I sipped. 'So tell me everything. What happened?’ I turned to face him.

Steve sighed. 'You know that Indian restaurant down the street? Well, I was there –’

'The one that got burned down!’ I gasped.

'Yeah, how’d you know?’ he asked.

'Just saw it on the news.’

'Oh,’ he replied. 'Well, I was there to meet Natasha’s informant –’

'Wait, where is Natasha? And Sam? Are they okay?’ I interrupted him again.

'They’re okay, and will you let me finish?’ Steve said, exasperatedly.

'Sorry.’ I pursed my lips.

'Yeah, so anyway. I was there to meet this guy who Natasha knew well. We’re beginning to track these criminals who are smuggling Chitauri tech in the Middle East. Natasha and Sam are in Berlin, meeting other people who might know about that stuff. So I was talking to him, when the feds burst in.’

My eyes widened. Of course, the US Goverment won’t just give up on finding Steve Rogers.

'I managed to escape with just one bullet wound,’ he placed his hand on the bandage. 'But the other guy died in the line of fire.’

I looked at him. A shadow fell over his face. 'I’m sorry, Steve.’ I said.

'I managed to call Nat by a public telephone to tell her I was okay. Of course, I wasn’t exactly okay. Then I thought of you. You lived closest to the restaurant, so I came to you,’ he said, his head hung low.

'I’m sure you did everything to save him,’ I assured. I truly did feel sorry for him. He had lost so many people already.

'Yeah, I did.’ He said, his voice thick.

The atmosphere suddenly became tense and heavy. 'I suppose you can drink some water now,’ I said after a few moments, trying to dissipate the tension. I returned from the kitchen to find him observing a picture frame of my family.

'How’s your brother?’ he asked me as I handed him the glass of water. Cole, my brother, was one of the few people who knew of our relationship.

'He’s well. He and Josh are thinking of adopting a little girl.’ I smiled and pointed at the picture of Josh, my brother’s husband. Steve nodded in acknowledgement.

'And your grandfather?’ he asked.

'Oh. He passed away 3 months ago.’ I said quitely.

Steve put the frame on his lap. 'I’m so sorry, Y/N.’ He looked at me with a countenance that said he knew the pain of losing a loved one all too well.

'It’s okay,’ I said. I had spent some time with him when Steve broke up with me. Steve doesn’t know, but my grandfather knew of our relationship. I turned the little ring around my pinky finger. The last gift my grandfather gave me before passing away.

I realized I must be getting emotional because my throat felt constricted all of a sudden.

I hurriedly placed the frame back in its original position. 'So you said something about the Middle East?’ I asked, anxious to change the topic.

'Yeah, we are trying to take down small criminals who are dealing with Chitauri tech. Somehow the main source in New York has stopped supplying but there are other criminals who are also dealing with that stuff in the Middle East. We have managed to get enough intel to make a move.’ He said.

My heart drooped like a wilted flower. He was going away now, for real. Of course, I knew he would not be around when we broke up but I always assumed he’d be somewhere nearby…like in Europe or something. Now he is gonna go to a place really far.

'When are you leaving then?’ I asked, trying to mask the hurt in my voice.

'Tomorrow.’ he replied. Maybe I saw a glimpse of guilt in his eyes.

Tension loomed again. God, what is it with all this angst today?

'What’s going on with you lately?’ he asked, and I mentally thanked him for changing the subject.

'I’ve been reading a lot. But the work is super hectic so I don’t get much chance.’ I shrugged.

'Are you seeing anyone?’ he asked.

I blinked in surprise. Whoa, where did that come from? He tried to act nonchalant but I could see right through him. I felt annoyed and angry for some reason.

'You didn’t just ask me that.’ I scoffed.

'Why what’s the proble –’

'What’s the problem? You come here after seven months and the first thing you ask about me is if I have a boyfriend?’ My voice rose several octaves.

He paused. 'Why are you getting pissed? It’s just a question. And what did you mean about the seven months thing? I have to move around a lot. It’s not like I had a choice. ’

'I’m not angry about that. It’s just…oh, forget it.’ I sighed.

'It’s just what, Y/N?’

'It’s- it’s you. You pack your bags one day, just leave, and don’t even call me –’

'That’s how break-ups work.’

'I know! It’s just…you out of all people shouldn’t ask me this, okay?’

'You’re hiding something,’ he gazed at me intensely. 'What are you thinking, Y/N? I won’t ask you again.’

I swallowed. 'It took me so long to get over you. You just went away, with your friends fighting bad guys everywhere, and I was just stuck here in this godforsaken place. I really didn’t want you to go, but you still did. And now, you come back, just as suddenly as you left and you have the gall to ask me if I am dating someone?’ I felt my voice quiver in the end. I wasn’t crying, but I was on the edge of it. I cannot afford to cry. I am done being the weak one in this relationship.

'I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again,’ he looked at me incredulously. 'Do you think I wanted to leave you? Do you think I wasn’t even a bit hurt and guilty for leaving you behind?’ he sighed exasperatedly. 'I don’t want you to get hurt-’

'You don’t get to decide if I can get hurt or not!’ I shouted.

'Yes, I do!’ he slammed his glass on the table. 'You may not care if you get hurt, but I do. How do you think I’ll feel if something happened to you? Who do you think will take all the blame? How do you think I’ll live with that?’ he said angrily.

'Ever thought about me, Steve? Ever thought what’d I do if you died? Every morning I would wake up thinking it could be your last day. How did you think I dealt with that when we were together? The answer is: it was scary and agonizing. But I still dated you, didn’t I? I thought in a relationship both the people made sacrifices. I did mine, why won’t you do yours?’ I shouted.

'I just won’t, okay? Call me an asshole, I don’t care. But I am not going to lose another person because of me. And that’s final.’ he snapped.

I couldn’t control the tears any more. Tears rushed down my cheeks and I hated myself for crying in front of him. I shook my head, trying to somehow stop them from falling. I hated everything, this unfair situation, this horrible luck, and my heart for falling for him.

I held my face in my palms, trying to muffle the sobs as best I could. 'This just shows how much you care.’ I said.

He was silent.

'Forget it, I’m going to sleep.’ I got up, wiping a fresh tear with the back of my hand.

'I’m sorry,’ he said, his voice thick with emotion.

I didn’t look back and walked towards the bedroom. I grabbed an extra blanket that I kept under the bed and came back to the living room, wiping away any other excess tears along the way.

'Here, take this,’ I handed him a blanket. 'I wouldn’t want you to get cold.’

'Oh, thanks.’ He said. My eyes drifted to the couch. It was wet. And bloody. No condition to sleep in. I pondered over a moment whether I should ask him to sleep with me or not.

'You shoudn’t sleep here. The couch is wet and dirty.’ I said, my voice a bit hoarse. He stopped unfolding the blanket.

'I don’t think I should sleep in your bed, I-’

'Honestly, it’s okay. Besides, you’re injured. Sleeping in that little space could hurt you.’

'I can handle a little hurt.’ He said. I noticed the gleam in his eyes fade.

'Alright, your choice. If you still want to come, you can. I won’t mind.’ I sighed, and trudged back to my room.

I switched off the lights and slipped into my duvet. The pouring rain outside perfectly reflected my sombre mood. I sniffled and cried a bit more before slipping into a deep slumber.

The screeching of my alarm woke me up. I switched it off. My eyes burned with the lack of sleep. It should be a crime to make me sleep for only five hours. My shift started at 8, and it was 6:15 am at the moment. My body felt hot for some reason. I looked down and gasped as I saw a warm hand wrapped around my waist. Steve. He must have come back sometime in the night. I clutched my pillow tight as my heartbeat accelerated. I wondered if he intended to touch me, or it just happened. I foolishly wished for the former.

I turned to look at him. His face was calm and serene. Boys always seem to look younger when they are peacefully asleep. His hair was tousled and his lips were parted just a little. I missed the mornings when I would run my hands through his beard and snuggle close to his chest.

Flashbacks of last night flooded my mind. I thought about his obstinacy, and how much I hated the fact that he took my decisions. But he was somehow right in his judgement. He had lost everyone he knew when he went into the ice - Bucky, his friends, and so many people even after coming out of the ice. If I were him, I wouldn’t want more people to die for me. I sighed. So where does that leave us? Is our relationship over now, officially?

I turned a bit more to his side, careful not to wake him. But his eyes twitched a little and I knew he was waking up.

I stayed still as his blue eyes fluttered open and focused on me. Silence loomed over us, as we faced each other. The only sound we could hear was of our own breathing. 'Morning,’ he said, his voice husky and thick.

'Morning,’ I replied.

We resumed staring into each other’s eyes. I thought of the mornings when he’d caress my hair, kiss me deeply and make passionate love that left me pining for more. I looked into his lustrous blue eyes and wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

'How are you feeling?’ I murmured groggily.

His hand travelled to his stitched up wound. 'It doesn’t hurt much now,’ he said.

'Of course it doesn’t,’ I smirked. 'I’m an excellent doctor.’

He chuckled lightly and I noticed his hand was still wrapped around my waist. 'Don’t you mean intern?’

'No, you can call me a doctor now. I deserve it.’ I said. I placed my palm on his neck. His breath hitched at the contact. I noticed his eyes turn darker.

'You’re warm though,’ I stated and withdrew my hand. 'Do you have a fever?’

'I am usually this warm. You forgot?’ he whispered.

Of course I didn’t. My hopeless heart was searching for reasons to make him stay a bit longer.

I simply smiled in response.

'You feel a bit cold,’ he said. 'Did you not sleep with a blanket?’

'I sleep with one but I always kick it away at night when it gets toasty. You forgot?’ I turned the question on him.

'Guess I did.’ He shrugged.

Well that was rude. I mean, I couldn’t blame him for not remembering my little quirks. Unlike me, he had important things to focus on instead of thinking about me. But still, a small voice said from the back of my head. Does he not think about me much?

'I’m sorry about yesterday,’ he said after a pause. 'I shouldn’t have shouted.’

'I shouldn’t have shouted either,’ I confessed. 'I’m sorry too.’

'So I guess this is it, then?’ he sighed.

'Yeah,’ I responded quitely, and hoped he didn’t hear my heart shatter into a million pieces. A look of understanding passed between us. We were never going to see each other again. Then I attempted something very risky.

I took a deep breath and pushed myself closer to him, closing the small proximity between our bodies. I nestled my head in his chest, and my fingers tentatively grasped his biceps. I didn’t meet his eyes. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I heard the soft thumps of his heart against my ears become erratic with every growing second. It would be an embarrassment of a lifetime if he didn’t reciprocate my actions. But then his hold on my waist grew tight. He dragged his fingers up my spine and planted them on my neck, an act which sent shivers through my entire body. I felt his hot breath on my scalp before he planted a soft kiss on my temple. His lips lingered over there. My insides squirmed with desire, and my breathing turned ragged. I moved my fingers across his chiseled chest, taking in his scent and feeling his heartbeat which had not slowed down yet.

My subconscious curled up in this sweet moment of comfort and love, but then I remembered I had to go to work. Unwantingly, I pushed myself away from him and sat up on the bed. I gazed down at him, his eyebrows were furrowed and his blue eyes dark with desire. 'My shift is starting at 8. I’ll be out making breakfast,’ I sighed, and clambered out of the bed. Before walking out the room, I turned around and said, 'You can rest till I make breakfast. I’ll call you when it’s done.’

I used the last remaining eggs I had in the house to make pancakes. I was placing hot pancakes on the plate when I noticed Steve hadn’t come out yet. I set them down on the dining table near my window along with two hot cups of coffee. I looked at the sky. It was blue and cloudy, any trace of rain gone.

I went back in the bedroom to call Steve out, when I noticed he was sleeping again. I climbed in beside him and shook his shoulders. 'Steve wake up,’ I said. He groaned in response.

'C'mon, breakfast is ready.’ His eyes opened tentatively. He rose, balancing his body on his shoulders. I felt guilty for waking him up when he should have been sleeping for much longer. He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes still drifting in and and out of consciousness. I feared he must have thought it was all a crazy dream, what we did before. I didn’t blame him for falling asleep though, he was tired and injured.

'Alright, come on now, get up.’ I grasped his arm and pulled him up. I would have let him sleep more but I had to go to work and so did he.

He joined me in the living room a few minutes later. His walk was back to normal again, and one could say he had never even been shot.

'I miss these,’ he said, smiling nostalgically at the pancakes as he sat down opposite to me. 'Now I can eat, right?’ he mockingly asked for my permission.

'You may.’ I smiled and dig into my pancakes.

We scarfed down our breakfast silently, talking only to ask for more maple syrup or sugar. Steve went into the kitchen to bring more coffee, ignoring my orders about him not getting up.

He placed my mug on the table, and ambled up to the window, where he gazed at the sunrise. I swooned a little at the sight of him, his white shirt perfectly hugging his muscles, and his tall frame towering over me that reminded me of his habit of pinning me against the wall when we made out.

I squirmed in my seat, rubbing my legs together to release the tension that had formed between my thighs. I was begging my brain to stop thinking about him like that.

I realized I hadn’t asked him what time was he leaving. Or more specifically, how was he leaving.

'Steve?’ he looked back. 'When are you going to be leaving?’ I asked.

'At 10 am. A quinjet is waiting for me at the airport,’ he said. 'I called it in as a favour from King T'Challa.’ He added, when he saw a look of confusion on my face.

'Oh’ was my only reply. The final goodbye crept nearer.

'Yeah. Which reminds me I have to go to back to my apartment to gather my stuff.’ He said. 'When does your shift start?’ he asked.

'In an hour,’ I looked at him. He nodded coolly. He seemed pretty nonchalant about leaving, I noticed. Maybe he has gotten over me,or maybe he found someone, like a secret agent or someone, I thought enviously. Of course, he should have dated someone who could take care of themselves if there was danger. I couldn’t protect myself if someone attacked me, but someone experienced like Natasha or Maria could protect themselves. He should have dated someone like them, not me.

'Well, in that case I shouldn’t stall you any more,’ he muttered.

I got up, and my brain scavenged for more reasons to make him stay. He gathered the plates and mugs and carried them to the kitchen. I swallowed thickly, pushing down the incoming wave of dread that will overcome me when he will walk out the door. I was aware of my attachment towards him. If I didn’t have to go to work now, would we have slept with each other this morning? It would have been the best morning since months. But I knew I still wouldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have borne the thought of him leaving again, especially after we did something so intimate as sex. Getting over him was the most exruciating thing I had done in my life. I am still going to be pining for him tomorrow, but at least it would hurt less.

Pain will always be lesser if you detach yourself from him, grandfather’s words flashed from my last ever visit. I absent-mindedly turned the ring on my pinky finger. I won’t be around forever to pester you with my wisdom, my dear child, he said when he handed my the ring. So let this ring be a reminder to make wise choices.

The wise choice is to get over him, but I just can’t, because everything reminds me of him and the circle starts all over again.

'Do you have money to pay for the cab?’ I asked, wishing he didn’t, so I’d spend more time than necessary to find change for him.

But he responded, 'Yeah I do,’ and pulled out some euros from his pocket.

My face fell, but I didn’t let him see it. We silently walked to the door. He suddenly stopped and turned towards me.

'Last night you said I didn’t care about you,’ he said, his eyes heavy with grief. 'You were wrong, Y/N. I do care about you. So much, that it scares me. I really wish there was another way. I spent so many days trying to think of ways I could save this relationship. But I came up with nothing,’ he swallowed. 'Every possibility led to your life being in danger.’

I paused, and mulled over his confession. I was struck by his words. He still cares about me. Then why didn’t he act like it?

'The way you acted, one would think otherwise.’ I whispered. Perhaps he was lying to make me feel better.

'You still don’t get it, do you?’ He shook his head. 'Do you know why I came here? Because out of all the people that I know in this world, I feel the safest with you. Not Natasha, nor Bucky nor Sam, whom I’ve known longer, but you. Everyone I know is either hiding something from me, or is trying to hurt me. But you…god, I can never really relax unless I’m alone with you,’ his hands cupped my cheek. 'That’s why I fell in love with you, Y/N. I have never stopped loving you. And I tried so hard last night to not fall for you again. I cannot even imagin-’ Steve could speak no further because I was kissing him with the greatest passion.

He responded immediately, and his fingers clutched around the back of my neck. Our lips moved in perfect synchronization, the air around us charged with passion. I placed a hand on his stubble, and worked my way up to his brown locks. I tugged at them, and I felt his kiss deepen even further. His hands left my neck, but they roamed all over my body, making me feel hotter inside with every new place he touched. His fingers trailed down to my waist, and I gasped as he suddenly pushed me against the door. He took the opportunity to move his tongue into my mouth. A moan emerged from the back of my throat. Heat pooled between my legs and my muscles clenched deliciously as I hungrily devoured his mouth. My hand crept inside his shirt, and I took my time feeling every muscle on his chest. It must have affected him quite a bit, because he was pinning me harder, and coming more closer, which seemed impossible because our bodies were already pressed so tightly. I pulled out of the kiss to regain my breath. I was panting, and he was too. I swallowed. 'I love you too, Steve,’ I whispered. 'I never stopped loving you either.’

Steve pressed his lips on mine once again, but this time it was sweet and sensual. He interlocked his hand with mine, and gently pinned it on the door. The kiss deepened once again. My other free hand travelled to his neck, and I immediately found his sweet spot. I caressed it with my thumb, and he broke away from the kiss just to say 'Fuck, Y/N’. His hot breath fanned my cheeks. I was still panting, and I gasped when I felt his mouth on my neck. He pressed hot wet kisses down my neck. I moaned loudly as his lips found my sweet spot. 'Steve,’ I breathed. He bit my ear lobe, and I clutched his shirt tighter. The heat between my legs became irresistable. I wished to tear his shirt apart, and close the little proximity we had between us, to feel his skin against mine.

His kisses turned south, and he left a trail of hot kisses on my collarbone.

I momentarily opened my eyes, when I noticed the family frame lying near the couch. My pinky finger seemed sensitive of the ring around it.

The words ’pain would be lesser’ ’detach yourself from him’ and 'make wise choices’ flashed in front of my mind. This jolted me out of my reverie. No, I cannot. I cannot do this, I cannot sleep with him, I can’t. It’d be harder to get over him. But the pleasure would be worth it, I thought. No, I scolded myself. Getting over him was the hardest thing I had to do. I cannot let this happen to me again. I am not ready to get hurt again. 'Steve, wait’ I panted. His kisses didn’t stop, but they faltered. He must be wondering if I had actually said that. 'Steve,’ I clutched his shoulders, and he broke away from the kiss. I looked at him.

'I’m sorry, I-I can’t to do this,’ I said with great difficulty because my body was screaming for his touch. 'I can’t go any further than this. I’m so sorry, so sorry’ I mumbled against his lips, my hand slowly dropping down from his biceps.

'I understand,’ he whispered. He dropped my hand from his, and he stepped back. My body suddenly felt cold. It begged for his touch again, his chest against mine, his fingers interlocked with mine, and his lips back on mine.

I clenched my teeth, trying to hold back the tears. I looked down at my feet, trying to escape his eyes. 'I’ll go now,’ he said, and placed a last kiss on my temple. His fingers briefly touched my cheeks again, but they dropped, the touch now just an evanescence.

'Bye, Y/N,’ he said. I didn’t dare look up again. I moved aside to let him walk out the door for the last time. The door shut behind me, and the tears streamed down my face again. It was for my own good, I chanted to myself as I dropped down on the couch, my head in my hands. I sniffled.

I never really did get over him, did I? I thought to myself. I failed at getting over him seven months ago. I guess this time won’t be any different.

I detached my face from my palms and dabbed away the tears. I looked down at the couch and saw the blood from last night. I thought of him sitting there yesterday, looking so strikingly beautiful even in his simple clothes.

Then I abruptly realized he was wearing the white shirt when he went away. The white shirt, the only thing I had of him with me, now gone forever. My breath hitched in my throat, and I felt my heart crush. It felt like someone had stolen a part of me.

Pain will always be lesser if you detach yourself from him, my dear child. If you want to forget someone, throw away everything that reminds you of them, the words buzzed in my ears. I ignored my grandfather’s advice seven months ago and still kept that white shirt with me.

Now it was gone. He took away the shirt with him, the last remaining possession that reminded me of him and our memories. It always comforted me in a way, but was always a reminder of my loss and pain.

Atleast getting over him will be easier now, I thought miserably, feeling cold and dismal. I curled up on the couch alone, and a fresh batch of tears rolled down my cheeks.

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers imagines #steve rogers imagine #stucky #stony #steve rogers smut #steve rogers angst #angst #marvel #mcu #Steve Rogers one shot #captain america #captain america one shot #steve rogers fluff #fluff

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raincausespaininmybrain · 4 years ago

Text

Halloween 1978

Reader Discretion is advised

I see Michael Myers as a man in turmoil. There has to be more than meets the eye. Beyond the “thousand yard stare” the wheels must be turning, scheming. I guess this story took on a life of it’s own. Originally it was going to be just Michael lying in his padded room remembering events of the day. But October 2018, I kept thinking about A man tied to a tree in a field, a bonfire, and two women dancing around a fire. “What did the man do to them?"That was the big question. After reading about the "Halloween’ novelization by Curtis Richards, an idea started to form. I started to think how Smith’s Grove improved security after the last event.

I started imagining a 15 foot (4.572m) hallway leading to an isolated room at the end. It was converted to a padded room with gym mats on the floor. It is 10 feet (3.048m) by 10 feet with a window high up. There are two rooms to the side, with one being a restroom and the other being the shower. There is a gate made of bars about 8 feet(2.438m) in front of the room. A janitor’s closet is now a guard station with TV’s and radio. Antoher set of bars is 5 feet (1.542m) in front of the new guard room. Three people have keys. There is an intercom for vistors. Escape is virtually impossible.

I started to think that the state said it would be better to keep Michael isolated in the mental hosptial. Dr. Loomis is still trying to figure his patient out. I see that the hospital is divided into two sections, the South side is for regular people who had nervous breakdowns and those who think they are Napoleon. The North side is for the criminally insane. Security is tighter after last year, with emergency funds from a private donor or the state. Those in the North are dangerous. The North side is kept colder than the rest of the hosptial and nurses complain about the patients getting sick.

Michael Myers was born on October 19, 1957.. I imagine that his mom was a nurse and his Dad was away on business trips often. Michael’s maternal grandmother would sometimes watch the kids while their mother was at work. When his sister Judith was old enough, she was the one who watched over him often. Judith’s boyfriend would come over a lot and Michael would be left ignored. In the summer of 1963 there was a change in Michael. There were times before when the boy would show destructive behavior, but this was mostly to toys and books. But that summer, Michael Myers threw a rock at another kid. There were also fights and broken windows at school.

In Smith’s Grove Michael would show antisocial behavior such as fighting, and choking other patients. In the year following Halloween 1978, Michael would hardly speak, and his voice was quiet and hoarse. Sometimes he would tell of a recurring nightmare. His hip was injured following his encounter with Laurie Strode and Dr. Sam Loomis. His eye was blurry after the coat-hanger injury. He went to the nearest hospital to steal pain killers. Two more people were killed, a doctor in the hall, and a nurse.

Following his capture, Michael Myers was given a schedule for sedatives. Sometimes the dosage would be doubled (400mg), and he would be drowsy. His recurring nightmare would become more vivid after medication. At barely six feet tall (182cm), and not too thin, Michael is stronger than he looks, especially to the unwary. The room in which he is kept has no furniture. Michael sleeps on the floor with his injured hip bothering him. His shoes are barely worn.

( I am basing these experiences with pysch meds on my own, in which I am drowsy and have weird dreams. My own hip was injured and it’s hard for me to lay on the left side.)

Judith Myers was fifteen years old. She often snuck her boyfriend in while she was babysitting Michael. Sometimes Judith would tease her brother. She was intellegent and did good in school. Judith would get scared by stories her Grandma told every Halloween. Judith was born November 10, 1948.

Edith Myers was Michael and Judith’s mother. As a nurse she would often work late. After Micheal was sent to Smith’s Grove, Edith would sob and wonder what she did wrong. She died of cancer in 1968.

Don Myers was Judith and Michael’s father. He regularly went on business trips but still made time to see his family. He was the one who unmasked Michael on Halloween 1963. Don Myers died in 1980.

Ellie Carpenter was born in 1904. She often watched Michael and Judith when their parents were at work. Grandma would often tell stories of goblins, witches and the "Bogeyman” (boogeyman), a spirit who would take away and punish bad children. Another one of Grandma’s stories was about her grandfather and what happened on Halloween night 1890. The story is a sore subject for the family and is not discussed. Grandma Ellie died in 1966.

Dr. Sam Loomis was Michael’s Psychiatrist at Smith’s Grove. He would try to reach his new patient, but there was little progress. Dr. Loomis felt responsible for the incident of late October 1978. Sam Loomis retired 1n 1980. A new doctor took his place. He is about 55 years old

Bill Taylor is the new cheif orderly. He is good at his job and has little trouble with patients. Standing at six foot three(190cm), problems are solved quickly. Bill sometimes taunts the patients in the North side of Smith’s Grove. There are rumors he liked to hit on the nurses. Bill Taylor fought in Vietnam in the early 1970’s.

Reggie is the middle aged African American orderly who sometimes talks to Michael. He is nicer to the patients and plays the radio at night. He is a about 50 years old and has a son in college.

#halloween 1978 fan fic #Halloween 1978 #Michael Myers #trigger warning: mental health #trigger warning: occult #trigger warning: horror movie violence

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stateofgrace1303 · 5 years ago

Text

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

#taylurking #taylorswift #taylorstans #taylornation #red #redtour #edsheeran #lymedisease #dysautonomia #taylorlurking #i love you taylor #tay #usertaylornotices #tswift

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introvertguide · 5 years ago

Text

Vertigo (1958); AFI #9

We are taking another dip into the AFI top 10 with the highest rated Hitchcock film, Vertigo (1958). This film was not well rated critically or at the box office upon initial release despite being game changing with its innovation in plot and filming. The film was nominated for Best Sound and Best Set Direction, but those were 2 aspects of the film that seemed the least award worthy. I am not sure about the sound design, but I agree with the set direction. Worthy of nomination would have been cinematography and score as well. Maybe best adapted screenplay. I would not say this is Hitchcock’s best directing since he did more as a producer pulling together great talents then he did as a director. We can discuss more about that, but I want to go over the plot first:

MAJOR SPOILER WARNING! WATCH THE MOVIE BEFORE READING FURTHER!!

The film starts with a rooftop chase in which a policeman dies trying to help a detective who slipped and is about to fall. The policeman dies attempting to save the detective and the detective is mentally traumatized by the event.

The detective turns out to be Scottie Ferguson (James Stewart) and he has decided to retire from the force because of his acrophobia that brings on a sense of vertigo. (Note: There was a very poor understanding of phobias at the time and almost all of the information given seems pretty silly compared to the accepted understanding of phobias today, so I consider it more that the characters do not understand. I don’t want to nitpick a 60 year old film when the psychological field has progressed so much since then.) He has a friend named Midge (Barbara Bel Geddes) that wants to help him get over his fear and get back on the force, but Scottie seems like he will have to take it slow.

Right as Scottie has healed physically, he is contacted by an old friend to act as a private detective. Gavin Elster (Tom Helmore) requests that Scottie follow his wife around since she is acting strange and has an unhealthy attachment to a woman who committed suicide in the 1800s after losing a child. The wife is named Madeleine (Kim Novak) and Scottie tails her throughout the day and finds that she purchases things associated with this dead woman and goes to places related to the woman. He finally witnesses her attempt suicide by jumping into a bay and he jumps in and saves her. There is a scene of what today seems awkward because Scottie brings Madeleine home and strips here out of her wet clothes instead of taking her to a hospital. I guess it was normal at the time because she is thankful and then she leaves in the morning.

Scottie has become smitten so he tracks down Madeleine the next morning and spends the day with her but doesn’t mention he was hired by the husband. They spend the day together and she goes in and out of a trance like state until they finally go to an old mission and Madeleine runs up into a bell tower and commits suicide. Scottie tries to follow and stop her but his acrophobia slows him down enough that he doesn’t see the jump, only the falling body. In any case, Madeleine is dead and Scottie is again traumatized.

Scottie is not blamed for the death, but he goes into a catatonic state and stays at a sanitarium for an undetermined amount of time. The doctor tells a visiting Midge that it could take 6-12 months to get past his trauma, and she mentions that Scottie was in love with Madeleine and the doctor says that is even worse. Scottie eventually is released, yet he has not completely recovered and goes to all the places that Madeleine used to go. He becomes more obsessed and is elated when he bumps into a woman named Judy Barton who looks identical to Madeleine (also played by Novak). Scottie creepily follows Judy home and talks his way into her apartment.

This is where things get weird. Scottie talks his way into her apartment and then takes her on a date. It is revealed to the audience (but not Scottie) through a flashback that this is the same woman that was known as Madeleine, but a different woman had been thrown from the bell tower right as Madeleine had reached the top of the tower and Scottie had missed it due to his problems with vertigo at heights. The woman has brown hair and wears a different style of clothes, so Scottie becomes obsessed with changing Judy until she looks just like Madeleine. The audience doesn’t know who to feel sorry for because Judy is made out to be lying to make Scottie feel crazy, but she obviously has feelings for Scottie. He, on the other hand, has been tricked and is going crazy becoming dangerous and emotionally abusive to Judy.

They go around to different shops and services until Judy is successfully transformed back into Madeleine when she makes a mistake of putting on a necklace that was one that Madeleine was supposed to be obsessed over and Scottie realizes he has been tricked. He suddenly decides to drive Judy (completely dressed as Madeleine) back to the bell tower and it is revealed that Judy was a paid actress that Scottie was asked to follow thinking it was Elster’s wife while the real wife was killed and thrown off the roof. Scottie was chosen specifically because he wouldn’t be able to climb the tower despite seeing her go up.

Scottie physically (and abusively) pushes Judy up the stairs up to the top where she confesses everything. They are suddenly surprised by a nun who is coming up to ring the bell and Judy falls to her death from the same bell tower. The nun rings the bell and Scottie looks down and the movie ends.

One thing to note about the movie is that the whole thing takes place in and around San Francisco. It is very scenic and at times seems almost like an industrial film promoting tourism for the area. This is prominent because the location was the first thing decided about the movie. Alfred Hitchcock went to San Francisco, called it the Paris of America, and decided to make a movie set in the city before he had any kind of story in mind. This was not the first time he did this, but it still seems like a weird starting point to me. Needless to say, there is a really cool driving tour about all the Vertigo locations in the Bay Area that makes for a really nice overview of the area.

I understand that Hitchcock was a fan of blonde actresses in their 20s and that he had a great working relationship with Jimmy Stewart as his go to lead actor, but this made for somewhat awkward love interests in some of the movies in the late 50s and early 60s and this was no exception. It is especially awkward when Scottie is going crazy and forcing Judy to dress in a certain way and pushes her up to the top of a bell tower. Knowing the stories of Hitchcock, that might have been entirely intentional. Another aspect that is a little weird is how obviously bad that Scottie is at being a detective. His inability to follow a suspect without being blatantly obvious is laughable at times.

Despite this being called Hitchcock’s masterwork, I can’t praise this movie without noting all the things that he did not do. San Francisco gets points for being naturally beautiful. Associate producer Herbert Coleman did a great job finding beautiful locations. The screenplay of Vertigo is an adaptation of the French novel D'entre les morts (From Among the Dead) by Pierre Boileau and Thomas Narcejac. The actual adaptation went through the hands of 3 different writers finally ending with Samuel Taylor, the writer of other classics such as Sabrina and Avanti. The intro to the movie was done by the great Saul Bass. The costumes were done by the great Edith Head. The 1st unit DP Robert Brooks made all of the location shots blend beautifully and the 2nd unit DP Irmin Roberts invented shots to create the vertigo effect. Bernard Hermann once again stepped in and created a haunting score that was robbed for not getting an Oscar nomination. Of course, Alfred would have been lost without the help and patience of his wife Alma, who was never credited but apparently helped quite a bit with the editing process on this film.

Even beyond the original making of the movie, the film negatives were restored to amazing quality by Robert Harris and James Katz in 1996. Hitchcock held on to the negatives and the movie was not shown until after his death and the prints look faded and dingy when finally released in 1984. Over a decade later, the movie was chosen for restoration and it was suddenly considered an artistic classic. It has been opined by critics that the film actually looks better now than Hitchcock ever imagined it would, so it can be argued that this is much more than a Hitchcock movie.

I do think that the restored film is a beautiful masterpiece, but I can imagine that the film was not as well received on initial release because the first hour is almost completely beauty shots of San Francisco and it would have gone over pretty poorly if the film was of low quality. Maybe a bit of a hot take, but I think the movie has become better over time. This seems more apparent because the recognition for the movie didn’t happen when it was first rereleased into the public in 1984, but suddenly became a masterpiece in the late 90s after it was remastered.

So should this movie be on the AFI list? Oh yes. Shot as almost a love note to San Francisco and the California Bay Area, this is a very American film. Also, the invention of the dolly zoom to imitate the feeling of vertigo has been used widely throughout the industry. Also, the idea of introducing the plot twist to the audience 30 minutes before the main character was risky but ingenious. Absolutely one of the best movies (at least the restored version I have seen) of all time. Would I recommend it? Yes. It is neither my favorite movie of all time nor is it even my favorite Hitchcock film (that goes to Rear Window), but it is a truly great movie and worth going out and finding for a watch. Appreciate the acting, the use of color, the vertigo zoom, the beautiful scenery, and the great story that was conceived on a trip in 1951 and was eventually restored to near perfection almost 50 years later. Please see it and enjoy.

#vertigo #50s #Hollywood cinema #movies #films #afi films #alfred hitchcock #Jimmy Stewart #kim novak #suspense #introvert #introverted #restored

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impressivepress · 4 years ago

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How Frida Kahlo’s Miscarriage Put Her On The Path To Becoming An Iconic Artist

Before Frida Kahlo reached her 25th birthday, the Mexican artist had contracted polio, survived a horrific bus accident and endured a traumatic miscarriage. However, the loss of her baby — compounded by the alienation she was experiencing while living in Detroit — shaped her artistic vision and propelled her career forward, as shown in a new exhibition put on by the museum that brought her to the city 80 years ago.

“Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo in Detroit” opens Sunday at the Detroit Institute of Arts. It looks at the time the couple spent in Detroit in 1932 as Rivera — by then an acclaimed artist — painted the “Detroit Industry” murals commissioned for the museum.

The cycle of frescoes celebrating the city’s booming industries wrap around the central court and are a foundation of its collection. Large scale “cartoons” Rivera drew as studies for the murals are shown in the exhibition for the first time in nearly 30 years.

But as Rivera worked on his famous murals, Kahlo was making some of her early definitive work, now shown for the first time in the city where it was made.

“Frida began work on a series of masterpieces which had no precedent in the history of art — paintings which exalted the feminine qualities of endurance of truth, reality, cruelty, and suffering,” Rivera said in his as-told-to autobiography My Art, My Life. “Never before had a woman put such agonized poetry on canvas as Frida did at this time in Detroit.”

In the first few months of the couple’s stay in Detroit, Rivera was preparing to paint the murals while Kahlo was disenchanted with Detroit, isolated and pregnant. Citing Kahlo’s letters to her doctor, the DIA exhibition says she feared injuries from her bus accident would make giving birth impossible, and considered terminating her pregnancy in May. In July, she lost a large amount of blood and was rushed to a hospital, where she miscarried. She spent two weeks there recovering, and turned 25 in a hospital bed.

“I cried a lot, but it’s over, there is nothing else that can be done except to bear it,” Frida wrote to her personal doctor.

Kahlo channeled her grief into art, drawing while in the hospital, then painting the evocative self portrait “Henry Ford Hospital.”

Kahlo reveals all of herself, bloody and crying on a hospital bed, with red strings tying her to symbolic images. She is marooned in an empty space, the industrial Detroit skyline far behind her. According to the exhibition information, Kahlo said the field represented Mexico, surrounding herself with the comfort of her homeland.

Her miscarriages and unfulfilled desire to have a child became a major theme of her work, the exhibition’s curator, Mark Rosenthal, told The Huffington Post.

The miscarriage also influenced Rivera to change a panel of his murals. Instead of an agricultural scene (shown in one of the prep drawings in the exhibition), the panel shows a baby inside the bulb of a plant.

Apart from her health issues, Kahlo missed Mexico and found little to like about Detroit. Rivera was busy with the murals, so she spent more time painting; he encouraged her to keep pursuing art.

While her husband was taken with the city and its industry, Kahlo saw “a shabby little village.”

“The industrial part of Detroit is really the most interesting; the rest is ugly and stupid,” she wrote in a letter.

Like Rivera, Kahlo incorporated allusions to Mexico into work she made in the U.S. However, while Rivera’s “Detroit Industry” murals depict the different cultures intertwined in a larger story, Kahlo’s work showed “no sign of the synthesis” of the two, Rosenthal said.

That can be seen in “Self-Portrait on the Borderline between Mexico and the United States,” painted in Detroit. Kahlo stands between two starkly differentiated depictions of the two countries.

Before she and Rivera left in the spring of 1933, Detroit seemed to offer Kahlo torment after torment — she also returned to Mexico for a month to see her sick mother before she died. But for all the misery, her experiences in the city, where she started referring to herself as a professional painter, were a catalyzing force in her art career, pushing her to focus on the unflinchingly personal self-portraits for which she is known.

“[Kahlo’s] breakthrough is Detroit,” art historian Victor Zamudio Taylor says in the documentary “The Life and Times of Frida Kahlo.” “In Detroit, Frida Kahlo, for the first time, consciously decides that she will paint about herself, and that she will paint the most private and painful aspects of herself.”

~ Kate Abbey-Lambertz · 03/13/2015.

#frida kahlo #painting #artist biography #huffpost #exibition review #review #detroit industry murals

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lizdiz · 7 years ago

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My New Life

It’s been an entire year since I actually posted anything here and some of my other social accounts. I’m still surprised at the couple of thousands amount of people that still follow me here; especially some certain people who I thought were out of my life for good.

I try not to go online and be personal about my life, but now is the time I thought I would say something as I was inspired by other people’s true stories and seeing how high they are today. I don’t expect for people to read this as this is just a little milestone for me to look back and admire myself. So it’s gonna be a long story time, but I’m gonna try to make this thing as brief as possible. I’m gonna try so sorry I go a overboard. So this is kinda gonna be my legacy left here, as with all these new things I’m doing, I have no idea where it will lead me, but this is all what I truly want. (WARNING: some things may be triggering for some, so read with caution.)

To the people who have never heard of me, let me introduce myself; I am just a young single woman living on my own in New York City with a story to tell as I’m trying my best to become the greatest version of myself .

Some of you may know me as a fan writer or just a random fan blog, but I’m sorry that is all dead. I lost interest in keeping up with my blog as I was at my lowest state of mental health at the time I discontinued it. I was just a complete mess and was scared for my future and life. So many things happened in my life that led up to my complete collapse, but I saw the light through all the cracks. All of the nights in which I cried so much and pleaded for help was finally heard as I got back up.

I grew up in boring New Jersey with an optimistic look at life for all my youth. I was bullied in elementary school, but all I remember was crying with none of the hurtful words taking a toll on my mental health. I was known as a cry baby. I would just brush it off and continue being the silly kid I was. In middle school, is when I started to question my self worth. I was still bullied very badly and around that time I had my first love which played a big part in my life. The boy I fell in love with would even bully me but I loved him still, until he compared me to other girls. In middle school my signature look would be wearing glasses with a ponytail and I was bullied very badly for my looks, actions, and body. My first love would call me fat and ugly and other kids would traumatize me for it. Teachers would even join along so I felt alone. I will never forget the day when one of my teachers humiliated me in front of other classes by using a video of me crying during a debate for the class as a bad example without me knowing. During a talent show, I once sang a Taylor Swift song and I practiced so much for the night, hoping it would at least give me a moment to express myself; instead, I was traumatized as everyone laughed at me. I vowed to never sing again.

This all happened in 8th grade for me and it was the age when I started to cut myself with scissors which eventually led to using a little knife. I would hide my crying and cuts from my parents. I remember being suicidal for the first time. I was going to overdose on meds, hoping that it would end me. I was failing my classes and was close to repeating my 8th grade year, but I didn’t. During the last day of middle school in June 2011, I remember writing a poem for my first love as he was moving away and till this very day I never heard or seen him again.

In high school, things calmed down, but I was already partially damaged and was paranoid of those who bullied me. Most of my friends at that time left me as they went into their cliques; some did it in order for them to become one of the “popular kids”. I would hide in the library at times to avoid those who bullied me. People would still be mean to me as I was the outcast and never talked to anybody; I was suffering inside, but I found peace within myself with dance. I loved to dance hip hop as I took classes and it continued for a while, but it helped me discover one of my passions. In early 2014, I was admitted into a mental hospital as the result of another attempt at suicide. I did change a bit after being discharged, but I saw everyone at my high school as my enemy. I had severe anxiety attacks as I would feel like I’m choking if I ever had an activity with anyone from my school. Years passed in high school and in senior year, I graduated. The class had a party and I was completely alone. I remember walking out the ceremony with my middle fingers up and cursing everyone out. I was done. I never saw them again…well SOME. However, it was such a depressing day. On the day of a party that my family wanted to throw for me because of my graduation, I got arrested. One of my friends used my depression and suicidal thoughts as a threat against me saying I was even homicidal. It was all lies. Fortunately I did make it to my party, but I was scared.

College came around and I was hopeful. My intended major beforehand was to be a doctor in the medical field, but I decided to follow something I’m passionate about which was writing and drawing. I discovered that strength as it helped me cope through high school. At that time I was obsessed with cartoons, Gravity Falls and Steven Universe. I wanted to go into the animation field. I visited SVA in NY where one of my animation idols studied at and I was determined to go there. Of course, with my luck, I was met with another major obstacle; my ex who we’ll name H.

I met him in late 2015 by one of my so called friends at my college and we instantly fell for each other. I was invited to study in Paris around that time, but I declined as wasn’t mentally ready for it and I was in love. He was everything I wanted in a man; talented, silly, funny, cute, caring, confident, and positive. In our 3rd month of being together, I became pregnant with his child and didn’t know about it. I lost the baby though, but we remained strong. We confessed our love to each other around that time too and from there things seemed to be going good for us as a couple. I had moments when I felt below him as he was an outgoing artist, music producer, DJ, and photographer. He was friends with upcoming talented people in those fields and I felt so small. He would assure me so many times that I was perfect for him and that at times he felt like he wasn’t good enough for me. I knew in my heart, that he had bigger things coming his way and that he’ll forget about me when his chance comes.

We had a loving healthy relationship until our 8th month when I found him cheating on me with another girl on his phone. He cried to me and I forgave him; little did I know this was the mark of our downfall. I lost trust in him and there was a time when I questioned everything. We had our good times as a couple and saw each other as a best friend. We had our bad times of fighting too much. We had a couples night out and spent my birthday at a hotel near a beach. We both had plans to move out together to San Francisco and to take a road trip to California together as well. I dreamt of that day so much and forgot about my own goals. I followed him like a lovesick puppy.

His family didn’t like me at all. They would purposely leave me out from events in which my ex wanted me to attend with him and they would look at me in disgust. That stung me so much at the time. I didn’t felt accepted at all from all this shade they would throw me. In our second to last month of our relationship, things seemed to be picking up for us as we were more happier together. H found me a seasonal job for us to work together for black friday and there is when hell broke loose. My jealousy would get the best of me as other girls seemed to be flirting with him in front of my eyes. He didn’t seem to care anymore as I would tell him that I felt uncomfortable. It got so bad to the point that I would go to the bathroom and cry. That was also the way in which I got fired from that job. I felt like my world was falling apart at that time. My ex-boss personally told me I was the worst worker out there and that I would not find work anywhere with my personality. My boyfriend at the time saw how I was getting fired, but he didn’t do anything. It broke my heart. I had to wait hours for him to get out of his job because he was my ride back home and for the whole ride back I was furious at him. He didn’t care and kept asking why we were together. Things fell apart that night, but he promised me that we’d talk the next day about what happened.

Next day, he stood me up. I went to his home as I was worried about him, thinking that something bad happened to him, but I was met with a sight that destroyed me. I found him alone with the girl who introduced me to him. I never trusted that girl from day one. I knew something was up with her having something for my boyfriend at the time. The two were alone in a dim room. I felt cheated on and screamed at him. I pushed him and yelled at the girl. I lost control. I couldn’t think straight as my heart was breaking. The girl left but she said some things which hurt me more and that was that she was accepted by his family and that he trusted her. I cursed her out. To be honest, if I could go back in time, I would’ve fixed the way I reacted to this. I feel guilty from it at times. My ex had to leave and I followed him. He looked me in the eyes and I remember there being sparks even after all of this as I told him I’d do anything for the one I loved. I remember that I could’ve sworn I saw love in his eyes as I said that. It felt like time froze in that one moment as I saw the love of my life walk out of my life.

We broke up through text that night. I broke it off but I was forced by my friends and family. He claimed I was emotionally abusive throughout the relationship, which I agreed to, looking back now. I feel sorry now, but I strongely dislike him now. The last thing my ex did was unthinkable. A week later we talked at the college we go to as a form of closure so we could be in peace with each other. However, I cried to him, hoping that we could get back together. He would push me away; and I mean physically. He did however leave me with a last kiss and his final blow. He tried to kill me that night. He dragged me across the parking lot with his car and was about to run me over with it too. Security came to stop us two. This all happened on our college campus parking lot. We both got in trouble and I turned out winning the case as the security guards noticed my bruises from him. H ruined his record and was filed under a domestic violence thing.

We never spoke since that day. Me and him were together for a year but it felt longer then that. We wanted to spend our lives together and even dreamed of having a family together. During the time we were dating I secretly wanted a baby with him because I wanted to have a sweet little angel depend on us and so I could have a reason to keep moving forward. However I was too scared to say it as I knew we were too immature for one and I was scared of his reaction. We experienced many first things together. He told me he could see us getting married and I was so happy, thinking I found the one. We were so deeply in love. We talked to each other every single day since the day we first dated. He was not only the love of my life at the time but he was also my best friend who I could cry on. I was heavily effected by him leaving me. He left me alone to rot in that parking lot. I never thought it could all end like this. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for what he did to me. He broke me.

I was suicidal again. I felt extremely lonely. I cried every single day afterwards as I was hurt on what he did to me. I smoked weed for the first time as a friend gave some to me as he felt sorry for me. I hated it so I did it only once and stopped. I went into therapy again as I was now traumatized from my ex trying to kill me. H did change my life forever in a negative way. I reflected everything that happened to me such as my past bullying and trauma. And to top it off, one of my best friends backstabbed me as she told everyone my secrets and I was honestly tired of her shit. We became enemies, but I was so hurt seeing people leave my life. I was so close to commit suicide again. I would’ve been gone today if my friend who I barely talked to at the time, never took me to New York one day. She forced me to come with her as she noticed I was extremely suicidal and I’m grateful for it. I spend the entire night there, roaming the streets. I felt free and like I was at home. It occured to me that night that I had to live there despite how expensive it was. It felt like destiny was calling me here. My journey to recovery began there.

Despite my heart being broken, I stood back up. I somehow managed to encourage my parents that I wanted to move to NYC and they accepted it. I got 2 jobs and worked from 5am-12am. My jobs were to be a waitress at a chain restaurant and to be an assistant for a local vet. I came home and would repeat. I’m not letting my ex or any of my backstabbers get the best of me. My ex not only changed my life in a negative way but he also changed it in a positive way too. I barely slept but I kept going. That was the final straw as I changed. My aesthetic at that time was kawaii pink and cute things; now my aesthetic is all black and dark things. I threw out everything in my room and closet away. I burned all the things that my ex gave to me and showed no mercy to anyone. I was mad and I’m still mad today. With enough money, I was able to take a trip to California as I had friends there who were performing for the first time. I learned how to make music in San Francisco by my friends and I discovered something that I was promising at too. I made songs to my mood and wrote songs about my heartbreak and anger. Even though I vowed to never sing again, I couldn’t help but sing my feelings out most of the time. I don’t release any of that content though as I’m very uncertain about it, but one day this year I’ll release my first song. I helped them with their concert and had the most memorable time in California.

In July, I eventually made enough money to move to New York City. I got a small apartment in midtown Manhattan, just underneath upper west side and for the chance to restart my life. I even bought myself a little puppy to accompany me. I got my first tattoos there and got 5 more piercings. My parents were proud of me as all that I worked for has finally paid off. I now go to a CUNY school in TriBeCa and passed all my classes so far. My new life began.

I suffered so much in life and was traumatized many times by people, but I survived. I used to see myself as a helpless little princess but I see myself as a goddess/queen as I am the ruler of my own life. I did everything on my own. From what I heard about my ex, I heard he was held back at my old college and that he is going out with the one who he cheated on me with. He seems very miserable now but I don’t care anymore. What goes around comes around. I left him behind in boring New Jersey.

I’m still friends with his friends though and they admire me. They even invited me to go with them to events, but I declined as I’m busy most of the times. I work at a vet clinic in Brooklyn now and scored a new side job as an extra for movies and shows. Even though I’m barely noticeable in the show I work at now, I’m grateful to enter into the movie/tv industry. I met people who have connections with the animation/music/film business here in New York City. People who work for Cartoon Network/Adult Swim, worked with big time rappers, and assisted in LA film studios. They adored me as I told them what I do and we became friends. I have friends that go to SVA as well and they help me with improving my art. I try everything now. I take voice lessons and music producing classes. I go to workshops for art and to animation festivals. I go to improv classes to improve my acting. I take hip hop dance classes again and I’m thinking about taking exotic dance lessons too. I even go to the gym and took kickboxing classes to get in better shape. And with all the writing that I used to do, I won myself a scholarship to study abroad in London for the summer. My whole life turned around for the best. I’m trying everything I always wanted to do. Even though this might not lead me anywhere, I’m passionate about what I do and if it does then I’ll look back and admire all of the pain I survived through.

So this is my story so far. I live alone with my puppy Pomeranian and I’m proud of what I do. I don’t sleep much but I work my ass off. I’m confident and I turn heads of nice looking fellas in New York. I know I’m sexy and gorgeous asf. I know some of them want me to be theirs, but that’s not happening as I’m independent. I love my family, my puppy, and I learned to love my life. What I once was feeling smaller than my ex has reversed as I’m bigger than my ex now and he’s no one to me anymore. Those who bullied me in high/middle school message me congratulations, but I block their asses right away.

It took my tears, blood, and sweat to get where I am now and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. I found the light after such tragic events but I’m finally happy now.

To those who backstabbed me or broke my heart, what do you think of me now?

#personal #depression #suicide #it gets better #i survived #I’m stronger #long post

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taylorrush · 7 years ago

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What 2017 Taught Me

When things get difficult. they get really difficult. Difficult to the point you can’t fathom anything ever getting better. But they can and they will if we have just enough patience and the right amount of hope. I promise.

2017 was a shit storm. There’s honestly not any other way to put it. It was really bad, like on all possible fronts but it opened my eyes to things every person needs to learn.

So let’s backtrack to January of 2017. It started out great. I spent the first week with my sister in Vancouver and it was snowing and freezing but it was fun. We drank and tried not to kill ourselves walking on the thin layers of ice across the city, and acted like the tourists we were. Now, I don’t want to come off as dramatic but when we returned, the fun kinda ended. I was back to working the same retail job on the Downtown Plaza in Sonoma I’d been at for a total of three and a half years. It was a great job at first, but really there’s only so long you can handle drunks out in the daytime, yelling at me about having to pay ten cents for a bag (THAT WAS NOT A STORE POLICY BUT COUNTY/STATE LAW). The work situation just wasn’t fun for me anymore but it was a store of made up of three people: myself, the owner and the manager, so there was no room to quit. One of the things I learned about myself this last year was that I literally would do anything to help someone else rather than do something to make me happy.

During my realization that I just didn’t like my job anymore, I really thought that was it. That’s the only unfortunate thing that will happen to me this year. And I was okay with that because I knew I’d be moving at the end of the year. Just get through the year and finish up your schooling so you can transfer and be out of here. These things did happen and I’m thrilled that I walked out of that store for the last time: onto bigger, better things. But, my work life was not the hardest thing that had happened.

I had known my father had a cold at the end of December, and it had never really gone away.. but it’s not until you’re getting calls or texts in the middle of the night saying “we’re at the hospital, everything will be okay” do you really start to fear that things are getting worse. No doctor, nurse, EMT, or paramedic had any idea why or how my father had fallen ill so quickly. February through May, he was in and out of doctors appointments. In and out of ambulance rides and emergency rooms. Being told one thing, being treated for a different thing, being tested for another but progressively getting worse. You start losing faith in the medical field, you start wondering how in the freaking hell someone who has a PhD couldn’t figure out this one thing. All we knew was he had lost a lot of weight, (80ish pounds, I believe), had a cough, had spots all over his legs resembling the plague and he had a failing kidney. I was visiting home to see my parents at the start of April and it was then that I had witnessed first hand how bad things had gotten. He didn’t recognize me. He didn’t know I was even there. We drove him to the hospital a few hours after I had arrived. He was only getting worse. During this visit, we had been told he was being poisoned by penicillin. Had we not taken him to the hospital within a few days, we would’ve lost him but they changed his prescriptions and within a few days he was back to being my dad. We found out that he had an infection residing in his heart, where he had had a heart valve transplant nearly 10 years ago. One test was all we needed to find this out, and it had taken months to figure that out. We were angry but he started feeling better, and we all thought, “this is it, we’re getting back on our feet”. We could live with this.

On April 26, my sisters birthday, my dad, at 57 years old, had a stroke. I received a text in the middle of the night, for what felt like the millionth time, that my dad was in the hospital. When I asked if he’d be okay, my mom responded with “I don’t know”. There’s absolutely nothing that will ever drop your heart as fast as knowing something horrible has happened and that there is absolutely nothing you can do. Nothing. The next morning, I woke up and immediately got in my car to make the 4 hour journey to be at the hospital. I dropped everything, I didn’t go to class and I told my boss I didn’t know when I’d be back to work. I got to the hospital after a road trip filled of tears only to be met in an ICU waiting room with a blabbering mom, for good reason. My dad wasn’t exactly waking up and the bleed in his brain hadn’t stopped; it was the size of a golfball. They thought the vegetation of the infection on his heart had flaked off and traveled to the brain, causing the stroke. The right side of his body, his dominant side was also immobile. Life had changed in the blink of an eye.

Fast forward a week, honestly nothing exciting had happened, only that he was sleeping, a lot. Most of the time actually. But, we had found out, we were losing time. If he wasn’t transferred to a rehabilitation center soon, his chances of a full recovery were slim. Oh, but insurance companies are always such fun to deal with, aren’t they? Anyways, we had figured something out and we got him transferred. In this facility, we spent 6 weeks where us kids took turns staying with him so our mom could get some decent sleep when she wanted. And we were patient and positive like the therapists and nurses told us to be. He started remembering us, and gaining some strength back. My brother was set to get married on July 28, and my dad had told us he’d be walking down that aisle. We all went along with it, but ultimately I don’t know if we all truly believed he’d be able to. But this guy, this guy is one stubborn, feisty and determined man and I walked right behind him down that aisle.

This was a long story, I know but it was the story of my 2017. It’s a long road to recovery but he’s now back to basically normal, in only 6 months. He has his limitations, like ask him to hold a beer in his right hand and it’ll probably shatter .5 seconds of holding on but he’s getting there. His kidneys are still only like 32% functioning so, he doesn’t need that beer anyways.

You may be thinking, well Taylor that’s quite a story but how does this relate to what you learned?

Well, what I learned this year is that family is absolutely everything, and how important it is to have an army behind you, big or small. Without a support system, we give up cause it’s just so easy. You don’t need a massive group of people, but you need someone. You need someone willing to help you, work with you, heal with you, take care of you and unconditionally love you. I also learned a lot about marriage. If you can’t imagine yourself dealing with something of this proportion with whoever you’re with, don’t marry them. Imagine the hard things you may have to go through and really think about what it means to be in sickness and in health. I mean my parents have been married 33 years now, and they’ve dealt with countless tragedies together but nothing like this. There’s no way to even prepare for something like this but my mom advocated the hell for my dad and didn’t leave his side unless forced. I learned to appreciate my body more. Imagine not being able to use one whole side of your body for months. It’s not fun, is it? I also learned to appreciate the little things, like small victories. My dad would always get really excited when he would feel something working again, like a toe or having feeling back on his calf. Small things that led to a huge recovery.

In retrospect, I think we can all benefit from a life-changing experience like this. There’s really no ruder wake up call when it’s literally life and death but I don’t know if I’d change anything. My parents would probably say otherwise but what happened, happened. You learn to get back on your feet. You learn to love harder and appreciate more and you’re sent on this wild ride of emotions but it’s all part of the human experience. So, 2017 was kind of a shit show but here we are, with such a heartwarming story now public for the world. Am I too self-aware of this blog?

Till next time, Taylor

#2017 #what i learned #stroke #health #family #lessons learned #blog

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x-enter · 5 years ago

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Everything Coming to and Leaving Netflix March 2020

It’s that time of the month when Netflix reveals all the new titles that are being added to the streaming service. This month we can look forward to watching great content like Space Jam and Castlevania’s third season. We’ll also see the new interactive show Carmen Sandiego: To Steal or Not to Steal.

Available March 1

Go! Go! Cory Carson: Season 2 -- NETFLIX FAMILY

Driveway dance parties, birthday treasure hunts — and going to the doctor to fix a flat tire. Whatever life brings, Cory's gassed up and ready to go!

Always a Bridesmaid

Beyond the Mat

Cop Out

Corpse Bride

Donnie Brasco

Freedom Writers

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

GoodFellas

Haywire

He's Just Not That Into You

Hook

Hugo

Kung Fu Panda 2

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Life as We Know It

Looney Tunes: Back in Action

Outbreak

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Resident Evil: Extinction

Richie Rich

Semi-Pro

Sleepover

Space Jam

The Gift

The Interview

The Shawshank Redemption

The Story of God with Morgan Freeman: S3

There Will Be Blood

Tootsie

Valentine's Day

Velvet Colección: Grand Finale

ZZ Top: That Little Ol’ Band from Texas

Available March 3

Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis -- NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

Now halfway through her twenties, Taylor Tomlinson is ready to leave her mistakes behind her. Following her Netflix debut on The Comedy Lineup Part 1 (2018), Taylor divulges the lessons she's learned in her first hour-long comedy special, Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis. Premiering globally on March 3, Taylor talks about working on yourself, realistic relationship goals, and why your twenties are not actually “the best years of your life.”

Available March 4

Lil Peep: Everybody's Everything

Available March 5

Castlevania: Season 3 -- NETFLIX ANIME

Belmont and Sypha settle into a village with sinister secrets, Alucard mentors a pair of admirers, and Isaac embarks on a quest to locate Hector.

Mighty Little Bheem: Festival of Colors -- NETFLIX FAMILY

From surprising stage performances to spraying colors with friends, join baby Bheem for all his Holi hijinks during the special spring festival.

Available March 6

Guilty -- NETFLIX FILM

When a college heartthrob is accused of rape by a less popular student, his girlfriend navigates various versions of the story in search of the truth.

I am Jonas -- NETFLIX FILM

A turbulent past haunts Jonas, who recalls his teenage love affair with the impulsive, twisted and yet irresistible Nathan.

Paradise PD: Part 2 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

As the diabolical Kingpin tightens his grip on Paradise, the squad contends with bitter feuds, dirty schemes, kinky fetishes and a nuclear threat.

The Protector: Season 3 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

As chaos descends on Istanbul, Hakan faces a formidable Immortal who seeks to possess the key to destroying the city.

Spenser Confidential -- NETFLIX FILM

Just out of prison and investigating a twisted murder, Spenser is sucked back into Boston’s underbelly. Based on the popular books; Mark Wahlberg stars.

Twin Murders: The Silence of the White City -- NETFLIX FILM

A detective inspector is pushed to the edge while he hunts the ritualistic murderer that has been terrorizing a city in Spain's Basque Country for two decades.

Ugly Delicious: Season 2 -- NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

Ugly Delicious returns for a second season from James Beard Award-Winning Chef David Chang and Academy Award-Winner Morgan Neville. The second season of the hit series continues to challenge both our taste buds and our minds as Chef Chang travels the world with writers and chefs, activists and artists, who use food as a vehicle to break down cultural barriers, tackle misconceptions and uncover shared experiences. And this season ventures into more of the unknown, including the world of parenting as Chang gears up to become a first time father. Special guests include Nick Kroll, Aziz Ansari, Padma Lakshmi, food writers Helen Rosner and Chris Ying, Danny McBride, Bill Simmons, and Dave Choe among others.

Available March 8

Sitara: Let Girls Dream -- NETFLIX FILM

Sitara: Let Girls Dream is an animated short film that follows the story of Pari, a 14-year-old girl with dreams of becoming a pilot, while growing up in a society that doesn’t allow her to dream.

Available March 10

Carmen Sandiego: To Steal or Not to Steal -- NETFLIX FAMILY

You drive the action in this interactive adventure, helping Carmen save Ivy and Zack when V.I.L.E. captures them during a heist in Shanghai.

Marc Maron: End Times Fun -- NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

Available March 11

The Circle Brazil -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

Be yourself -- or someone else? The players must choose while chasing a cash prize when this lighthearted, strategic competition show comes to Brazil.

Dirty Money: Season 2 -- NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

The critically-acclaimed investigative series Dirty Money, from Academy Award-winning filmmaker Alex Gibney’s Jigsaw Productions, returns for a second season. Dirty Money provides an up-close and personal view into untold stories of scandal, financial malfeasance and corruption in the world of business. This season offers a look inside Jared Kushner’s real estate empire, the Wells Fargo banking scandal and Malaysia’s 1MDB corruption case.

Last Ferry

On My Block: Season 3 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

They thought life was about to return to what passes for normal in Freeridge, but the stakes just got even higher. On My Block, co-created by Lauren Iungerich (Awkward) and Eddie Gonzalez & Jeremy Haft (All Eyez On Me), is a coming of age comedy about four bright and street-savvy friends navigating their way through the triumph, pain and the newness of high-school set in the rough inner city.

Summer Night

Available March 12

Hospital Playlist -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

Five doctors, whose friendship goes back to their days in med school, band together at one hospital as colleagues in the VIP wing.

Available March 13

100 Humans -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

One hundred diverse volunteers participate in experiments that tackle questions about age, gender, happiness and other aspects of being human.

BEASTARS -- NETFLIX ANIME

In a world where beasts of all kinds coexist, a gentle wolf awakens to his own predatory urges as his school deals with a murder within its midst.

Bloodride -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

A Norwegian anthology series that blends horror with dark Scandinavian humor, setting each distinct story in its own realistic yet weird universe.

Elite: Season 3 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

When another classmate is killed, a new investigation ensues. The students look toward their future, while the consequences of the past haunt them.

Go Karts -- NETFLIX FILM

After moving to a new town with his mom, a teen discovers the high-speed sport of go-kart racing, learning from a former driver with a secret past.

Kingdom: Season 2 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

The zombie period drama set in Korea's Joseon era returns for Season 2.

Lost Girls -- NETFLIX FILM

A mother's quest to find her missing daughter uncovers a wave of unsolved murders in this drama based on a true story. Amy Ryan and Gabriel Byrne star.

The Valhalla Murders -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

An ambitious Icelandic detective teams up with a cop from Norway to investigate a series of murders that may be connected to a heinous trauma.

Women of the Night -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

Haunted by a shadowy past, the wife of a rising star in Amsterdam's mayoral office finds herself drawn into the city’s underworld of sex and drugs.

Available March 15

Aftermath

Available March 16

The Boss Baby: Back in Business: Season 3 -- NETFLIX FAMILY

After losing his job at Baby Corp, Boss Baby goes freelance and turns his playgroup into a makeshift field team. Cue the critical mission!

Search Party

Silver Linings Playbook

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

The Young Messiah

Available March 17

Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy -- NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

Comedian Bert Kreischer is back, and shirtless once again, in his second Netflix Original comedy special, Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy. Bert candidly shares hilarious stories about his daughter’s period party, a pushy arms dealer, and an inside joke with a Starbucks barista.

All American: Season 2

Black Lightning: Season 3

Shaun the Sheep: Adventures from Mossy Bottom -- NETFLIX FAMILY

Clever sheep Shaun, loyal dog Bitzer and the rest of the Mossy Bottom gang cook up oodles of fun and adventure on the farm.

Available March 18

Lu Over the Wall

Available March 19

Altered Carbon: Resleeved -- NETFLIX ANIME

Dai Sato, the creative mind behind “Cowboy Bebop,” further explores and expands upon the “Altered Carbon” universe in this anime adaptation.

Feel Good -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

Mae Martin stars as herself, a Canadian comedian living in London while navigating a new relationship and dealing with sobriety.

Available March 20

A Life of Speed: The Juan Manuel Fangio Story -- NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

Juan Manuel Fangio was the Formula One king, winning five world championships in the early 1950s — before protective gear or safety features were used.

Archibald's Next Big Thing: Season 2 -- NETFLIX FAMILY

From outdoor adventures to shopping extravaganzas, Archibald can't wait to experience everything this great, big world has to offer.

Buddi -- NETFLIX FAMILY

Following the day-to-day adventures of five best "Buddis," this colorful and entertaining series is targeted at children under 4.

Dino Girl Gauko: Season 2 -- NETFLIX FAMILY

Naoko and her friends have more strange adventures with aliens, robots and dinosaur girl Gauko. Their ordinary town has its share of oddities!

Greenhouse Academy: Season 4 -- NETFLIX FAMILY

The teen drama based on the award-winning Israeli series "Ha-Hamama" returns for Season 4.

The Letter for the King -- NETFLIX FAMILY

A young boy holds the fate of the kingdom in his hands when he embarks on a quest to deliver a secret message in this sweeping fantasy series.

Maska -- NETFLIX FILM

A young man sets out to become a movie star, until a summer romance shows him the fine line between dreams and delusions. Starring Manisha Koirala.

The Platform -- NETFLIX FILM

In a prison where inmates on high floors eat better than those below, who get the scant scraps, one man tries to effect change so everyone gets enough.

Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madam C.J. Walker -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

This limited series is inspired by the incredible true story of Madam C.J. Walker, who was the first African American female self-made millionaire.

Ultras -- NETFLIX FILM

A story of intergenerational friendship and coming of age, set in the world of ultras culture during the last five weeks of a soccer championship.

Tiger King -- NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

A rivalry between big cat eccentrics takes a dark turn when Joe Exotic, a controversial animal park boss, is caught in a murder-for-hire plot in this limited docuseries where the only thing more dangerous than a big cat is its owner.

Available March 23

Sol Levante -- NETFLIX ANIME

An experimental project between Netflix and Production I.G, one of the leading anime production companies in Japan, to produce the world's first 4K HDR native hand-drawn anime short.

Available March 25

Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution -- NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

In the early 1970s, teenagers with disabilities faced a future shaped by isolation, discrimination and institutionalization. Camp Jened, a ramshackle camp “for the handicapped” in the Catskills, exploded those confines. Jened was their freewheeling Utopia, a place with summertime sports, smoking and makeout sessions awaiting everyone, and campers felt fulfilled as human beings. Their bonds endured as they migrated West to Berkeley, California — a promised land for a growing and diverse disability community — where friends from Camp Jened realized that disruption and unity might secure life-changing accessibility for millions.

Co-directed by Emmy®-winning filmmaker Nicole Newnham and film mixer and former camper Jim LeBrecht, this joyous and exuberant documentary arrives the same year as the 30th anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act, at a time when the country’s largest minority group still battles daily for the freedom to exist. CRIP CAMP: A DISABILITY REVOLUTION is executive produced by President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama; Tonia Davis and Priya Swaminathan; Oscar® nominee Howard Gertler (How to Survive a Plague) and Raymond Lifchez, Jonathan Logan and Patty Quillin; LeBrecht, Newnham and Sara Bolder produce.

Curtiz -- NETFLIX FILM

Driven and arrogant, film director Michael Curtiz deals with studio politics and family drama during the troubled production of "Casablanca" in 1942.

The Occupant (Hogar) -- NETFLIX FILM

An unemployed executive is forced to sell his apartment. When he discovers that he still has the keys, he becomes obsessed with the family that lives there and will do anything to go back to the life he had before.

Signs -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

When a young woman's murder shows similarities to a decade-old cold case, a new police commander must break the silence permeating an Owl Mountain town.

YooHoo to the Rescue: Season 3 -- NETFLIX FAMILY

It’s time to take flight again! Join YooHoo and his adorable crew as they travel the world to help animal friends, one marvelous mission at a time.

Available March 26

7SEEDS: Part 2 -- NETFLIX ANIME

The world they knew is long gone. Their new environment is dangerous, but not as deadly as their fellow humans. Based on the award-winning manga by Yumi Tamura, "7SEEDS" returns for Part 2.

Blood Father

Unorthodox -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

A young woman flees to Berlin from an arranged marriage in Brooklyn. Then her past catches up to her.

Available March 27

Car Masters: Rust to Riches: Season 2 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

Classic cars get massive makeovers courtesy of Gotham Garage, a skilled California crew dedicated to upgrading and trading sweet vintage vehicles.

The Decline -- NETFLIX FILM

As a way to prepare for disasters, family man Antoine attends a training program on survivalism given by Alain, at his self-sufficient retreat. Planning for a natural, economical or social breakdown, the group goes through drills meant to prepare them for apocalypses of all types. But the catastrophe waiting for them is nothing like what they anticipated.

Dragons: Rescue Riders: Hunt for the Golden Dragon -- NETFLIX FAMILY

It's the treasure hunt of a lifetime for the Rescue Riders, who must race to find a precious golden dragon egg and keep it safe from evil pirates.

Il processo -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

The murder of a teen girl impacts a public prosecutor linked to the victim, a lawyer seeking a career-making case and a suspect who says she's innocent.

Killing Them Softly

Ozark: Season 3 -- NETFLIX ORIGINAL

The Emmy-winning series about a suburban family laundering millions in the Missouri Ozarks returns for Season 3.

There's Something in the Water

True: Wuzzle Wegg Day -- NETFLIX FAMILY

When searching for the perfect Wuzzle Wegg, Bartleby thinks he sees a monster. Will the Rainbow King have to cancel Wuzzle Wegg Day — or will True come to the rescue?

Uncorked -- NETFLIX FILM

A young man faces his father's disapproval when he pursues his dream of becoming a master sommelier instead of joining the family's barbecue business.

Sadly, every month content also leaves the service. This is the last call for several titles including Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Lord of the Rings, and Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Leaving March 3

Marvel Studios' Black Panther

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Leaving March 4

F the Prom

Leaving March 7

Blue Jasmine

The Jane Austen Book Club

The Waterboy

Leaving March 9

Eat Pray Love

Leaving March 14

Men in Black

Men in Black II

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection : Classic: Collection 3

Leaving March 15

Coraline

Leaving March 17

Being Mary Jane: The Series: Season 1-4

Leaving March 19

The L Word: Season 1-6

Zodiac

Leaving March 24

Disney's A Wrinkle in Time

Leaving March 30

Batman Begins

Charlie's Angels

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Death at a Funeral

Drugs, Inc.: Season 5

Hairspray

Kill Bill: Vol. 1

Kill Bill: Vol. 2

New York Minute

P.S. I Love You

Paranormal Activity

Small Soldiers

The Dark Knight

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Wild Wild West

source https://geektyrant.com/news/everything-coming-to-and-leaving-netflix-march-2020

#Entertainments

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cosmosogler · 7 years ago

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hi guys it’s 10:30 i was looking at comics. i really like comics.

i woke up on time. i somehow ended up getting to the office actually late though? i’m not sure where the time went. maybe i spent too long making breakfast, i dunno.

i taught my class. one student told me she had been in one of my classmates’ sections the other week. i remember taylor told me about that. i kinda knew who it had been right away. not sure why she’s such a huge sammie fan. i told her i wanted to cut my hair but i’d leave it long enough for bows because bows are “kind of my look now i guess.” she said it was definitely my look.

i had one student who was real concerned about his grade. i felt like i’d been real unfair to him... i helped him out this week by looking through his lab report and making sure he had answered all the questions and i caught one mistake for him. i can’t just give him a 100, but... i understand that he’s putting in effort and i want to reward that but i also need to be fair to my other students and i ALSO need to hit a certain grade average or else people who earned an a are going to be assigned b.

at the end of the class the girl asked who my favorite student was (highly implying it should be her). i said i like each of them equally. she pushed me further so i grinned and said i couldn’t pick favorites, but i also couldn’t lie to her. she thought i was gonna compliment her but instead i said they are all my favorites. the girl at the table behind us smirked.

i WANT to give them all an a. but suzanne does that and she really had to crank up her grade thresholds, which i find really unfair to the students. it’s kind of unfair to force the class average to be a certain number even if the students are genuinely doing well. but i also understand that it’s to try to account for all of us having different teaching styles and skills and grading preferences. they basically turn us loose on these poor undergraduates with no training other than “we have done the lab ourselves.”

anyway after that i went to my appointment with the care area. we got my medical drop paperwork finalized and sent a last thing to my professor, who needs to sign off on my dropped course approval. and... annie told me it’s done, as much as i have control over at least. i have no more work to do on this “project.” i feel... too open-ended, i guess. it’s disorienting to work toward a goal and then actually reach it, and in a really timely manner too. annie complimented how well i’ve handled everything. i gave her a list of the steps i’ve taken to improve my situation and she asked some questions. i think i was mostly just talking though and then we spent like 15 minutes trying to fix her computer so she could send the email to my professor. i didn’t have to make a follow up appointment, but i let her know i’d call and schedule something if a problem came up with my tuition waiver or if my meeting with the individual therapist didn’t go well so we could get me set up with the counseling center for next semester.

then i biked over to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. i googled my therapist just to confirm the address and then hopped on a bus over to the other side of town! i had to bike up a big old hill and then i got to where google said her office would be.

it was a law firm. i checked that her name was correct. it was. the person at the desk there was extremely confused. i got sent next door to an in-house care specialist and that wasn’t right either. they sent me to the other side of the parking lot to the autism center. i asked them what was going on and the lady behind the counter there googled the therapist and found the same exact address i did.

i scrolled through my phone texts trying to figure out what the problem was and then i realized that the insurance web site had given a different address than google. her actual office is 17 blocks north of my apartment complex, which was on the other other side of town. i was gonna cry.

i hustled back down to the bus stop and caught the bus headed the other way. FORTUNATELY i had left for the office just over an hour early so i still had 15 minutes before i was gonna be late. i called karin and told her what had happened. i also learned how to put my bike on the front of the bus, which was an adventure and ended up with me getting whacked in the back of the head by my own handlebars. and also taking a tire to my shirt more than once. my good ice cream shirt that i had just given a stain treatment.

it looks like it’s fine but i was unhappy about the road dirt getting under my fingernails and everything.

it took a half hour to get across town and sprint-bike up the 17 blocks to her office. i don’t think i’ve biked that fast in my life and i even kept hitting red lights.

her name wasn’t on the office sign at the side of the road marking the address. i frowned. there were cats at the back door on the porch. they were nice enough but i didn’t have time to stop to pet them. i was 15 minutes late.

inside there was a bunch of the typical crystal healing stuff. i saw a flyer for “lymph drainage cleansing” or something like that. that put me on edge a little bit, considering the last therapist i had who was into that stuff back in march.

karin herself was eager to get down business though. i filled out a page of paperwork and got my insurance squared away. i ran through a list of current problems i was having (lack of energy, mostly, and having a hard time managing to get stuff done with what energy i do have) and what i was doing about them. she asked if there were any other ways i could streamline my homework/grading process and i didn’t have any ideas right then. i talked about my family a little bit and told her my mother and brother were coming to visit next wednesday. she said she’d really like to see me again before that happens so i’m seeing her again in a week. i like her well enough for now.

we only got to talk for a half hour but she let me fill out the majority of my paperwork after the appointment instead. the writing was so blurred and tiny that i had trouble figuring out what some of the questions were and had to cross out initial answers when i figured out what this or that word was. then i groaned because i realized my backpack and everything in it were still back at the office. so i biked the 30 blocks back to campus, sat around feeling exhausted, had a snack, and then came back home at around 7 (...?), which was way longer than i wanted to take. i was so tired, trying to get up the hill on the way home. even getting to the second stoplight was just... i was out of breath.

i notice that i can make way sharper left turns than right turns. i wonder what’s up with that.

when i got home i made myself some dinner, and made my pasta salad for the rest of the week, and changed out snoopy’s litter box. publix only sells the disposable ones so i got a replacement last weekend... while i was out by the trash chute i looked out over the courtyard. it was a little chilly. hard to remember i live in the middle of florida, with the cold nibbling at my arms. the tall buildings across the street looked surreal. the whole courtyard was so empty i had trouble remembering how many people live here. i caught someone using the elliptical in the gym through the window though so at least there was one human in my field of vision.

after that i watched one youtube video i had bookmarked earlier (out of the four- three are gonna be reasonably watchable, the last one is like an hour long and i don’t think i’ll be able to get to it for a long while), and the rest of the night was COMMENTARY!! AND COMICS!!!

(like an hour.)

i let my leisure time cut into my journal writing/bed time though. i just don’t feel like i have enough of it to really feel like i relaxed or took some time to myself every day. like a full time job is eight hours a day, five days a week. grad school has been 9-11 hours a day, 6 days a week. some weeks, six and a half days. and... i know that grad school is hard and i’m not supposed to have free time. but like... i need to rest, you know? my body and my brain are falling apart.

while i was at my office hour in the lab help session today jennica came in to hang out. i told her that i don’t know how they do it. how they get all the homework done even when they only start on the last possible day. she said they just don’t sleep. i said i don’t really have that option and she said “you’re a grad student, you don’t get sleep any more.”

i said “if i don’t sleep enough every night i literally will die.”

she thought i was joking so i told her if i don’t get enough sleep for too long i start seeing weird stuff that freaks me out and i hurt myself. she said oh. it was... part of why i wasn’t doing well at villanova my first two years of college. the second year it was more because of irregular sleep than lack of it. and, you know, everything else that was going wrong with my life.

i think i burned myself out in high school really bad. like i thought i was young and springy and i didn’t NEED to sleep, i had so many other fun things to do!! internet people to talk to!!! stories to write!!!! i was lucky to get five hours of sleep most nights. i did that for like three years. most nights. things didn’t start getting spooky until my body straight up quit one morning and i almost passed out at our morning assembly. i had to go to the hospital for a few hours and get checked out and everything. the doctor told me i wasn’t drinking enough and that i had to take a whole day doing nothing but drinking tons of fruit juice and gatorade and water.

after that i carried a water bottle around everywhere. i still do. it helps me remember to stay hydrated.

but the sleeping problems persisted through undergrad. it gets kinda rough trying to rest at my parents’ house too. and it really did wear out my health for several years straight after those first few years of high school. but i’m doing way better now.

but apparently grad students don’t get to sleep i guess?

my anxiety really does stay under control way better when i get regular sleep though. eight hours is ideal, seven hours is... ok for maybe five days and then it gets bad. i don’t get much more out of nine hours than i do eight... and i need every extra hour of being awake i can get.

i dunno. one good thing today is that when i was resting at the office before trying to tackle the ride home, i was talking to luis about homework i guess. rebika keeps asking if i’ve finished the homework the day before it’s due and it’s like, rebika, i am still three weeks behind, please stop. i told her something like that finally, i said something like i’d get it done when i could and i was keeping the professors informed. she asked if she could do that too and i asked what steps she was taking to remedy her situation. she said none and taylor joked that that would be too responsible. he kinda glanced at me when he said that.

it’s just, it’s nice to get the feeling that my classmates have faith in me. that they believe i am working hard with the resources i have, even though i don’t feel that way. you can say you don’t care what other people think all you want, but it is a genuine relief to know that most of them know i’m doing my best and believe that. not having the silent judgment of my peers hanging over my head is a relief to me.

i can take rebika’s judgment. she doesn’t pay enough attention for her opinion to mean much to me, even if i care about her wellbeing. luis seems to be suffering from even more intense lethargy than i do but he just doesn’t sleep i guess. i don’t usually check in with his homework situation because it stresses me out to talk about it. he’s also just really good at physics and picks up homework concepts faster than i do.

he said his grades aren’t as good as i think they are. taylor’s aren’t either. he watches a lot of anime in the office. suzanne also said her grades aren’t as good as i probably think they are. we had a conversation about the american education system as compared to, say, europe’s. like ioannis just knows all this stuff already and he gets fantastic grades. some of us (like harrison) know some of the material from undergrad, but for people like me, from fricking arizona, even the beginning of these courses was essentially new. suzanne said that being an american physics undergraduate just does not put you at the level that phd students should be at. and when you have your phd you’re still not at the level you should be at, which is why postdocs end up happening for so long i guess.

anyway. i’ve been a little cagey with my friends about what i’ve been doing, spending so much time out of the office, but it’s good to know that they, sort of, understand, maybe indirectly. like they look at me and seem to see me working hard, even though i don’t feel like i am and i feel like i spend a lot of time slacking off. (an entire half hour!!! oh no!!!!!!!)

i can’t know what they REALLY think, of course, but their behavior and wording suggest they are supportive.

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