#fictional and celebrity crushes are above labels

[enfinizatics]

me showing all the snape/alan rickman tiktok edits i saved to my best friend: believe me!!! i’m a lesbian!!! i swear!!!

[bromantically]

a list! (dont have to answer any you dont want)

21, 22, 24, 25, 30, 31, 32, 35, 37

21. Is your family supportive?

my immediate household family (mom, brother, dad) are! the rest of my family is pretty conservative and dont really understand a lot of queer things but im not really sure if they support me or not 🤷

22. Favorite LGBT+ celebrity or historical figure?

i dont know any celebrities or historical figures <3 i have never cared about a famous person ever and i dont remember the names of any queer historical figures that mean anything in particular to me

24. Favorite LGBT+ canon character?

uhhh to be honest i dont really consume a lot of media in general and i dont really care that much about the canon ones i have encountered 😳 not as in like "😒" kind of not care but as in i just dont really pay attention and i dont feel any particular attachment to any of them. a lot of rep in media doesnt really appeal to me very much bc none of them are ever relatable to me and its always either cis gays or totally neutral nonbinary they/thems. nothing wrong with those but im a little bored of them and id rather explore queer rep through my own characters

25. Favorite LGBT+ canon fictional couple?

same as above tbh...

30. A trope you dislike about your identity?

my identity is sort of nebulous and not very solid so its hard to really say people have tropes for my identity. i intentionally keep my labels pretty vague and unspecific and i intentionally dont try to label anything very specific. as far as i know im just Not Binary and Not Straight and the details of that are only for me to know. if i Had to pick something i guess id say its sort of annoying that nonbinary is always portrayed as totally neutral they/them

31. A trope about your identity that applies to you?

🤷 im a weird little freak i think my identity is too bonkers and specific to me for the general public to apply any tropes to me

32.

answered!

35. If you’re not straight, who was your first same-gender crush?

well as a transmasc person who has always liked guys i guess i would have to say this guy i was friends with in middle school that i dated for a bit. i didnt know i was some sort of aspec then tho so the label "crush" is a little complicated. i didnt really get crushes very often and when i did it wasnt in a very allo way 😭

37. Do you have any LGBT+ idols?

no <3 i dont know anyone ever but good for them

(pride ask game)

[redheadbigshoes]

Hello, this isn’t a question. I just don’t have anyone to express what I feel with and I adore your page!

I have been questioning my sexuality for a while. Almost a year and still haven’t really put an exclusive label on myself. Just general ones like queer or sapphic. I feel like I can’t be a lesbian in some ways because I’m still obsessed with male characters in television or I keep thinking one day those feelings I had or thought I had for men would come back. The reasons I say feelings I had or thought is because I’m not sure if I liked men or didn’t know the difference between platonic feelings or romantic.

After reading the masterdoc I was even more confused than before. But after reading some lesbian confessions and one person said that pit you get in your stomach around men is not feelings or butterflies. This made a lot of sense to me…I always thought it was weird that I thought I liked every guy I came into contact with, or had a conversation with; but now I identify the feeling as me just being uncomfortable around men. It was truly like a lightbulb moment when I looked at men and felt nothing.

I might think ‘oh, he’s attractive’ but I don’t want to be with or sleep with them. This has also made it easier for me to talk to men, knowing I don’t actually want any romantic way. Yet, knowing this I still think I could be bisexual because it would just be easier to say I’m 99.99% into women and 00.01% into men (which would only be fictional characters). I feel like I’m forcing myself in a label that just doesn’t fit…I’m also quite gullible so when people constantly just say to me ‘you’re bisexual’ I just go with it…but I still don’t think I fit the label as hard as I try.

When it comes to women I’m 100% sure I’m into them without being in a relationship with a woman. It’s like a fact I’m definitely into women, but I think I only see them from the male gaze view as only liking their bodies. I’m trying to push that imagine of women because it blocks me from seeing myself with a woman in the future. Also, I’m not just attracted to anyone and everyone something I had to come to terms with after realizing above you’re not suppose to be into everyone you come across.

The label lesbian feels comfortable and liberating, freeing actually. I definitely want to date a woman but I don’t want to call myself a lesbian cause I don’t want to be harmful to the lesbian community, nor do I want to have a moment ‘oh, sorry turns out i’m into both.’ It’s been almost a year and it’s definitely confusing and super lonely as I’m dealing with this privately.

I hope it reaches someone who could feel the same way as me. Or maybe this is a common feeling lesbians had before coming to terms with being a lesbian.

Really sorry it’s long. (I hope it’s okay I mentioned bisexuality since this is a lesbian based account.)

Hi! I’m glad you like my blog!

Liking male characters, obsessing over them, doesn’t mean you can’t be a lesbian. There’s some male characters I’m obsessed with and I’m not any less lesbian for that. My feelings for those characters are completely platonic. Even if they weren’t, like I sad before, there’s a lot of lesbians who develop feelings for fictional characters and celebrities, what really counts is who you’re attracted to in real life.

I once felt a slight romantic and sexual attraction to male celebrities and characters, but when I noticed I felt that because I liked the idea of a man, but not actual men, was that I figured I was a lesbian. 

I relate to what you said about that feeling around men you mentioned. The guys I tried dating or thought I had a crush on, I always felt nervous around them, if I was alone with them, or on a date with them, that feeling was always there. I just tried to ignore that feeling by thinking “it’s just butterflies, it’s normal”. Butterflies are supposed to feel good, they’re supposed to be positive. If your nervousness makes you uncomfortable it probably means you don’t like them. And when I started dating girls I never had that feeling again, I always felt actual butterflies in my stomach.

As a lesbian I definitely notice attractive men, but I never want to be with them in any way. The thing that really made me start questioning if I was a lesbian was that I had the same thoughts as you, I was like “I’m bi because I’m attracted 99% to women and 1% to unattainable men”. And when I found out they don’t really count was that I noticed I’ve never liked men. And it’s funny because after I officially started calling myself a lesbian I never liked unattainable men like I used to.

If the bisexual label feels weird and like you don’t fit in it, it’s probably because you’re not bi. Still, you don’t have to label yourself right now if you’re still questioning, you don’t have to label yourself at all if that’s what you want.

From everything you described it definitely seems like you fit the lesbian label. I once had doubts about calling myself one because I feared I would like men, but after figuring that every interaction I had with men that wasn’t in a platonic way I never really liked them, and that my entire life I faked my attraction for them, was that I started calling myself one.

You should watch @patronsaintoflesbians videos on Tik Tok. They really helped me figure out my sexuality. I think those videos are better than the masterdoc.

I’m pretty sure this is common among other lesbians, since a lot of us used to identify as something else before started identifying as lesbian.

I don’t mind if the asks are long! I’m glad people come here to share their experiences and vent about it, because I’m glad I can try to help you and also other people can relate to what you’re saying. And no worries, even if you talked about bisexuality I don’t mind, this is a LGBTQ+ blog so it doesn’t necessarily has to be only about lesbianism.

Feel free to send more asks if you need to! Or if someday you want to dm me I’m always open to talk with you.

[carewyncromwell]

✨✨My Hogwarts AU✨✨

Haha yeah, so...I’m stealing this “Hogwarts AU” idea from @words-and-wands and @that-ravenpuff-witch! If you’d like to do your own post and don’t have an account on the official Wizarding World website, you can always use this quiz compilation! 💚

“𝒜 𝓌𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓇𝓎 𝑒𝓋𝑒, 𝑜𝓃𝒸𝑒 𝓊𝓅𝑜𝓃 𝒶 𝓉𝒶𝓁𝑒,

𝒜𝓃 𝒰𝑔𝓁𝓎 𝒟𝓊𝒸𝓀𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓁𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝒾𝓃 𝒶 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝒶 𝓈𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓇𝑜𝓌’𝓈 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑜𝓁,

𝒟𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓂𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝓈...”

~“Swanheart,” by Nightwish

x~x~x~x

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

I guess this isn’t much of a surprise! XD Yes, like my OG girl Carewyn Cromwell, je suis une étudiante de Slytherin! It actually took a while for me to come to grips with my house placement, though. As a kid reading the books, I’d labeled myself a Ravenclaw, only to be completely sideswiped when I got Slytherin through Pottermore’s house quiz. Looking back on it, though, I’d labeled myself a Ravenclaw largely based on what traits I had, not what I valued most. I’m a rather introspective, intellectual, and creative person, but I’ve never given wisdom, academic achievement, or logic the utmost importance, or even the most importance in the face of the other houses’ values. When I was in high school, which is when I really came into my own as a person, I didn’t care much about being popular, having a lot of friends, or getting the best grades -- my core interest was just in being happy and doing whatever felt right in achieving that end. In short, I put Slytherin’s love of one’s own personal ambitions over glory, loyalty, or academic achievement. And I find myself identifying with a lot of other Slytherin values and aspects too. I by and large do favor cleverness over strict logic. I greatly value the past and my own heritage, to the point that I get crushes on historical figures and sometimes take inspiration from it when writing my own fictional stories and characters. When I’m really focused on something I want, I can be relentless in my pursuit of it. When placed in a position where I have to make an argument, I rely equally on logic, emotion, and common sense to make my points, but I’m not above sometimes being a bit judgmental about people I don’t like. I prefer to analyze a situation properly rather than just jumping right in two feet first. I am consistently a victim of my own pride and tend to hold my more sensitive emotions close to the chest. I revel in the dark, the unknown, and the mysterious. I may have smaller-scale ambitions than the evil, “take over the world” Slytherin image we’re used to seeing, but honestly, I think we’re all a bit tired of that particularly hackneyed stereotype by now.

Ilvermorny House: Thunderbird

All right, now this one’s weird, because Pottermore originally sorted me as Pukwudgie, but I’ve taken compilation quizzes (including this one on Wizardmore) that labeled me as Thunderbird, so I reckon I’m something of a “hatstall” between the two. Admittedly since there’s so little information about Ilvermorny’s houses, it’s harder for me to say with certainty that I am a “Soul” type more than a “Heart” type. I want to explore and improve myself, but I also want to help and nurture others. I value my own dreams as well as my inner circle’s happiness and safety. I want to travel, but I also want to have a stable home to come back to. That being said, I have had a rather transient life, never really staying in one place long enough to really plant roots -- and so, as much as I do like to take care of other people, I’ve also always been rather independent and comfortable being on my own and doing my own thing, and I’ve also always been a very opinionated and intellectually curious person too. I reckon that speaks a bit more to the “Explorer” aspect of Thunderbird.

Patronus: Irish Wolfhound

Yes! For those of you who are familiar with my HPHL MC Bat Varney, his Animagus form is my Patronus! Haha. Irish Wolfhounds are symbolically linked to the mythical Celtic Hounds, which were seen as guardians of roads, journeys, and the “Otherworld,” or after-life -- all of which I think is just awesome. Despite their history of being the fierce, loyal companions of kings and warriors, Irish Wolfhounds have been described as being “gentle when stroked, fierce when provoked” personality-wise, and are today seen as great family dogs.

Wand: Larch with unicorn hair, 11 1/2 inches, surprisingly swishy

I was given this wand by Pottermore, and honestly, I think it fits me pretty well! One of the most famous owners of a larch wand is the magical celebrity and singer Celestina Warbeck. According to Garrick Ollivander, larch wands are described thusly:

“Strong, durable and warm in colour, larch has long been valued as an attractive and powerful wand wood. Its reputation for instilling courage and confidence in the user has ensured that demand has always outstripped supply. This much sought-after wand is, however, hard to please in the matter of ideal owners, and trickier to handle than many imagine. I find that it always creates wands of hidden talents and unexpected effects, which likewise describes the master who deserves it. It is often the case that the witch or wizard who belongs to the larch wand may never realise the full extent of their considerable talents until paired with it, but that they will then make an exceptional match.”

Combining this with its unusually swishy consistency and unicorn hair core (which generally creates the most consistent magic and is less susceptible to turning to the Dark Arts), I’d say my wand is an interesting paradox. It’s durable, and yet flexible; it’s hard to please, and yet consistent in use for the one who earns its loyalty; it’s a bold and confident wand, and yet its core is from arguably the purest, most innocent creature in the Wizarding World. And I’m nothing if not comfortable with such duality. ^.^

[bugsongs]

Odd numbers for the gay asks?

1. Gender and pronouns?

gender: not really pronouns: whatever

3. Sexual orientation?

lesbian!

5. How long have you been using your current labels?

i think i was just starting my sophomore year of college when i started calling myself a lesbian, so i would’ve been 19? so fiveish years already, wow. feels like longer.

7. What made you pick your name?

i didn’t pick my name actually! in high school i was giving all my friends (mostly dumb) nicknames, and one of them decided to give me one! idk where it came from but she started calling me day, and then all my other friends did too and i liked it and it stuck! i really love the name day, but i like my other name & still use that one too.

9. What names have you considered using? 

okay this is both embarrassing and like really predictable but i love raleigh beckett from pacific rim and always thought if i didn’t already have a name i liked i wouldn’t mind trying that one out... but i do really like the names i have already and i couldn’t think of a situation where i would feel comfortable adding another name lol

11. Do you like your flag(s)?

answered! (yes)

13. Favorite colors? 

yellow and green babey!! sunshine and the forest!

15. Favorite things about being LGBT+?

answered!

17. Are you religious?

nope!

19. Are you in a relationship? 

nope!

21. Is your family supportive? 

yeah. we don’t really talk about it but thats like more of a Me Thing lol

23. Favorite LGBT+ couple IRL?

probably my friend marlie (@lesbiantruckers) and their wife :)

25. Favorite LGBT+ canon fictional couple?

i mean. it’s catradora. (very very special shoutout to korrasami tho)

27. Some LGBT+ pairings you ship?

i’m not super invested “shipping” anymore rly, i do like certain pairings but MOST times it’s not that deep. but also, yes (see above!) and ivy/carmen in carmen sandiego since i talked abt ivy earlier... thats all that really comes to mind at the moment

29. Any fictional crushes? 

hmm not really? like kind of but i usually just have Big Love for characters but idk that i would really call any of that a crush?

31. A trope about your identity that applies to you? 

short hair, vegetarian, dressing... lesbianically

33. Something you dislike about being LGBT+? 

ppl who arent like Big Homophobic but just like... weird about it and uncomfortable to be around because they want to showcase their allyship but like so inorganically and performatively. like just be normal. but also regular homophobia & transphobia obv

35. If you’re not straight, who was your first same-gender crush?

one of my close friends in high school unfortunately

37. Do you have any LGBT+ idols? 

i don’t care abt most celebrities and i try not to get too deep into like celebrity-worship or idolization but i do admire noelle stevenson for working so hard to get she ra made? i think that’s incredibly cool and valuable, if only to let people know that kind of thing can be done.

39. Do you have a type in partners?

cool nerds

[smnthchrstn]

all the gay questions

Thanks friend, here we go.

1. Name one way you break the wlw stereotype. (Fat, trans, poc, autistic, etc)

I don’t know if it’s really breaking a stereotype but I consider myself spiritual. I pray and I feel like when I bring that up to someone that they’re unfortunately “surprised”. 

2. Who was the first girl you remember having feelings for?

She was in my fifth grade class and she had heelys. We were really good friends and I thought she was the coolest. (We both grew up and later came out as gay and she’s super happy and I’m super happy for her.)

3. What’s your opinion on the butch/femme labels? Do you think they’re harmful?

I think that labels can be harmful for some people and extremely helpful for others. I’m one of the people that feel helped by labels. Sometimes those particular labels can be annoying, but if they work for you then that’s great.

4. Do you have a girlfriend?

Yes. I have a loving fiancée that I’ve been with for a while now. She is the peanut butter to to my jelly, the sun poking through the clouds on a rainy day, the moon, the stars - all of it. Hi @remuspolaris <3

5. Define love in 5 words or less

Understanding, teamwork, friendship, illuminating, patience

6. What characteristics do you look for in a girl?

I’d always (back when I did look) wanted someone who has a really good sense of humor, understanding, similar interests and most importantly, someone I could have a friendship with. I feel strongly that your partner shouldn’t just be your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, but your best friend, too.

7. Do you participate in LGBTQ clubs and events?

I used to participate pride. I went to pride three years in a row in my hometown and would go again once it’s safe.

8. Are you out to anyone outside of tumblr?

Pretty much everyone. A few of the co-workers I talked to at my last job didn’t outright know because I worked in a highly conservative environment. 

9. Say some things you love about your crush/girlfriend?

I love her extra snuggles in the morning, I love how warm she is, I love that even when I’m feeling crazy or anxious or whatever it is that she still loves me and cares about me. I love that she cares about me as much as I care about her. I love that she doesn’t make me feel so alone in life. I love doing things with her.

10. Do you want to get married?

Yes, it’s on the gay agenda. I don’t know when it’s happening just yet, but I have an engagement ring on my finger. 

11. Do you want to have kids?

Yes. I’m not ready for them yet, emotionally or financially but it’s been a dream of mine for a long time to have children. Being with someone that is good with kids/babies and wants them too makes all of that a lot more appealing.

12. How would you describe the difference between sun lesbians and moon lesbians?

Like @welshdragonrawr said, sun lesbians feel like ABBA and moon lesbians are Fleetwood Mac/Stevie. 

13. What’s your favorite song about lesbians?

“She Keeps Me Warm” by Mary Lambert. The first wlw song I ever heard.

14. What’s your favorite book about lesbians?

My favorite fictional one is probably “Annie on My Mind” by Nancy Garden. It didn’t have a bad ending and at the time I read it it mirrored the kind of relationship I wanted someday. 

15. Who’s your favorite lesbian character?

Since she isn’t canonically wlw or lesbian I can’t say Cordelia Goode and that hurts me, so I’m going to have to go with Alex Vause from Orange Is the New Black.

16. If you live in a country where gay marriage is legal, where were you when it was legalized? Did you do anything to celebrate?!

I was in my living room and I woke up to @mightthxnktwice happily yelling to me about it.

17. If you could meet one famous wlw (dead or alive) who would you pick?

Sarah Paulson, Sarah Paulson, Sarah Paulson.

18. Have you ever kissed a girl?

Yes.

19. Do you have any favorite wlw positivity blogs?

@wholesome-gf-memes-uwu

20. Who was your first real life crush? (as in not Dana Scully or Jessica Rabbit)

See the above answer about first crush.

21. What is one thing you think your school/ place of work could do to create a safe environment for LGBTQ people

I don’t really think they could do anything. My previous job could’ve made sure that others didn’t spread homophobic comments with others.

22. Have you ever been to a gay bar?

Yes.

23. Do you know a lot of LGBTQ people outside of the Internet

I know some, I wouldn’t say a ton - and the ones I do know I met through the internet.

24. Describe your ideal gaycation (a vacation that you, a gay, go on)

Disneyland. Just a long expected stay at Disneyland, maybe during Gay Days.

25. Not a question, I just want you to know that you’re amazing and beautiful and I love you. Keep up the good work.

Thanks friend.

[sapphos-darlings]

Can I bounce some ideas off of you please? I’m not sure my sexuality but I’m only just starting to question it now. I find plenty of men handsome and charming though the thought of me dating them & being intimate feels awkward and odd. I haven’t had a boyfriend so this might be shyness and nerves at inexperience right? Except most of the men I find handsome are either fictional or celebrities. By nature they’re crafted to be appealing, though also unattainable. I’ve read that WLW do this too.

What’s confusing me is that I just can only romantically visualise myself with a guy. I know you can’t trust dreams as being truth, but in my dreams I keep imagining being sexual with a woman - not anyone I’ve met in real life but usually a beautiful woman who’s more dominant and in control. And dream me feels safe, relaxed and aroused in those situations. I rarely dream of sex with guys or awake fantasise about guys unless I actively forced myself to imagine what sex is like with men (2)

I just don’t know my sexuality. I don’t know if I am experiencing coercive heteronormativity and going along with it because I have fancied guys before and my hesitation around them is inexperience and shyness. Or I could be on the asexual spectrum and not that into guys physically? I’m not sure either explains why my subconscious mind keeps going towards women sexually even though the idea of being romantic with them feels weird? This said, I find women more beautiful in general than men. (3)

And I’m not repulsed by the idea of being intimate with a woman. Thinking about sex with guys unnerves me but when I have had my dreams about women, or perused erotic artwork and literature, I have a warm fuzzy feeling and a budding thought of ‘I would not mind kissing her all over’. But when I have imagined guys, it feels more stilted. Then again you can’t judge on mental imagery when you’ve had no experience :( anyways, thank you for listening and any advice would be lovely, TY lovely!

You do sound like you’re on the edge - maybe you’re bisexual, maybe you’re lesbian, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to figure it out if it’s not clear yet. You don’t owe this answer to anyone! You have all the time in the world to explore the hypotethicals, the whats and the ifs. This isn’t hurting anyone and it’s healthy. Imagine your perfect lover, indulge in that fantasy, question other scenarios, yourself with men and yourself with women, and this way you’ll learn about your desires and can more reliably figure your way with real attraction.

Meanwhile, feel free to appreciate both attractive men and women. It doesn’t matter whether the attraction is romantic or sexual, some people simply are attractive, and no matter your orientation, aesthetic beauty and pleasing voices are a thing everyone can enjoy. When it comes to finding a partner, first and foremost remember that you’re not in a hurry - someone will come along who swipes your feet from underneath you, and you’ll know this is the person you want to be with. Don’t pressure yourself into entering relationships that don’t come naturally to you. If you feel you’re uncertain or even a little unwilling to be together with someone, or to be sexual with someone, stop yourself there and take some time to think about it. It’s better to put it off than push yourself through something you realise later you didn’t want! You’ll get another chance later, with someone you really want to be with.

In our current society, people are often pushed into finding partners simply to feel “whole”, but we don’t need to move from relationship to relationship just to find fulfillment. Similarly, in the LGBT circles, there’s an unspoken pressure to label yourself this or that immediately, as if we all come into this world certain. It isn’t always that easy and most people need some time to learn about themselves. I feel it’s more important for a person to know their wants than it is to find a partner, to know your dreams and wishes and, above all else, your needs before you venture into action. You don’t have to be ready, or finished, today. You’re a work in progress, and that’s okay!

Finally, it is possible to be bisexual and not interested in relationships with one gender, or just prefer the other one very strongly. I’m a bisexual who doesn’t have any interest in dating male people, even though I’m attracted to some, and especially entertain my attraction to unattainable men like you described, usually fictional although sometimes famous as well. Despite my orientation, I simply want a relationship with a woman or other female spectrum person, for reasons that are my own. This is alright. You can be bisexual and, in real life, only want a specific kind of a relationship. Expressing and enjoying your orientation in other ways, such as gushing about your fictional and famous crushes and your fandom favourites with your friends who feel the same way, is an underappreciated but very rewarding aspect of sexuality you can engage in whether or not you’re in a relationship or desire to be at the time. This is especially fun as a bisexual, because there’s usually always something I can relate to when my friends bring up their fancies!

Take your time and figure out what you want, anon - but remember to enjoy all those little things you love today.

- Sade

[wallsalbum]

all the even ones

oof sarah puttin me to work!! i love it :,) nd i love u!!

2. talk about the girl who made you realise you liked girls

oh my. i don’t know if there was one specific girl. but i think i realized it in like 4th grade and decided “that’s a problem for another day” and then it resurfaced in like 8th grade and i decided nope not yet and finally. sophomore year i accepted i really did like girls and i fell in love. i fell in love hard. and we dated for about 2 years. and she eventually broke my heart. but god did she make me smile. i think i’ll always love her. she was my best friend first and when we broke up it felt like my whole world fell apart.

4. do you have a crush at the moment?

hmm not really. couple girls i find cute but i’m not actively pining for anyone

6. do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

usually more feminine! i’m lowkey a lipstick lesbian but i’m also not super strict with a type. i usually just like the girls i like nd fall more for personality :)

8. what’s your gaydar like?

on a scale of 1-10,,, i’d put it at like a 7 so not the best but pretty good

10. intimidating girls or kind girls?

kind girls 100%!!! i fall in love with personalities for sure

12. do you have an ideal ‘type’? what would they be like?

sporty but feminine, funny, caring, closeish to my height but preferably slightly taller, i have a thing for brown eyes and dark hair, and i’m a sucker for woc almost none of my exes have been white (is that racist? im not trying to be racist)

14. what’s your favourite personality trait for a girl to have?

is sporty a personality trait? bc i almost always fall for other athletes. if not then i’d say good listener

16. do you have any friends who are wlw?

so many! included a whole gc of em in the yeehawlw 🥺 irl, i only have a couple but i appreciate em

18. do you like the lesbian flag?

kinda,,, i hate the color orange but otherwise i like the flag!!

20. who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

hmmm probably santana lopez from glee

22. who’s your favourite openly wlw celebrity?

either kehlani or halsey!!!

24. who was the first person you came out to (if you have)?

my former best friend who i then dated for two years (see aforementioned ex)

26. have you found a community of lgbt+ people?

online, yes. in person, no :(

28. do you identify with butch/femme labels?

i’d say i’m definitely more femme leaning but i don’t think either fully capture me

30. what experiences are you looking forward to having in the future (kissing a girl, going to pride, etc)?

oof all of the above! but really i can’t wait to marry the girl of my dreams and raise a child and just be happy :)

send me wlw asks 🌈💖

[shellsan]

Every number from the wlw ask meme!

soft wlw asks

1. how long have you known you liked girls?

I’ve never counted them out as an option in the first place, so it depends on how you look at it? I labelled myself bisexual in like 2014, and changed that to homosexual by the time 2016 ended.

2. talk about the girl who made you realise you liked girls

None in particular, that I can think of? As mentioned above, I never really counted them out to begin with and I’ve always found them to be cuter and more ‘my type’ I guess?

3. are you in a relationship at the moment?

Nope. I haven’t been in a relationship since like 2014/5?

4. do you have a crush at the moment?

Nope~

6. do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

I don’t mind, but I do lean more towards feminine~

7. do you look/dress more masculine, feminine, or androgynous?

Feminine usually.

8. what’s your gaydar like?

Meh. I try not to try and ‘call’ someone else’s sexuality, and I’ve never been in a situation where its mattered before. 

9. tall girls or short girls?

Short~ (But it really doesn’t matter)

10. intimidating girls or kind girls?

Kind.

11. hugs or kisses?

Either, both? I don’t have much experience so I can’t say for sure.

12. do you have an ideal ‘type’? what would they be like?

I’ve never really thought about it? Is that weird? A girl who can make me laugh, and enjoys physical contact would be perfect though, because I’m a naturally touchy-feely person.

13. what’s your favourite personality trait of yours?

Oh man, nothing? Maybe my self-awareness? I try to recognise my own bad habits even if I don’t ultimately do anything about them.

14. what’s your favourite personality trait for a girl to have?

A sense of self-awareness (knowing their own faults and being able to acknowledge them).

15. what’s the best thing about liking girls?

How freaking good them look? Have you seen girls? They’re QUEEN.

16. do you have any friends who are wlw?

Nope, but a large majority of my female friends are bisexual, and open about it~

17. have you ever been to pride? if so, what was your first pride like?

No, I’ve never been.

18. do you like the lesbian flag?

I have nothing against it.

19. what was your first kiss with a girl like?

Soft, and nerve racking. It was my first kiss ever, and I had no idea what to do, or how to go about anything.

((I still have no idea what to do or how to go about it))

20. who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

Most female kpop stars and Katie McGrath (Aka Morgana from Merlin)

21. what’s your favourite lgbt+ movie?

I don’t have one, since I’m not much of a movie watcher. I adore the anime yuri on ice though~

22. who’s your favourite openly wlw celebrity?

I honestly have none? I’m so bad with traditional celebrities and media, since I’ve never cared much for either, so the only w/w celebrity that I know is Ellen.

I went through the effort to google some and see if I recognised any, and the answer was pretty much a resounding nope.

23. do you wear makeup?

For special occasions, or if I’m really feeling it~

24. who was the first person you came out to (if you have)?

I don’t think of it as ‘coming out’, since the people I surround myself with have never been hetronormative (except my father, but we won’t go there), but I dropped to my mother that I was bisexual in the middle of a random conversation, and she didn’t blink, and we just kept on talking? I was like 11 or 12 at the time.

25. has anyone ever come out to you?

Not dramatically in the way that this sounds, but after people at work found out I was gay, a few of them revealed that they were bisexual to me, and some friends have been the same.

26. have you found a community of lgbt+ people?

I’ve never felt the need to look for one.

27. do you have any older lgbt+ people you look up to?

Not really? I look up to plenty of people, but none of that is due to their orientatio or label.

28. do you identify with butch/femme labels?

Not really. I can definitely fit myself into a femme box, but I try not to use too many labels, since I feel like they’re constricting and over all aren’t too necessary? A lesbian is a woman who loves other women. Why do we need to fit into any other roles and stereotypes, ya feel?

29. who’s your favourite fictional wlw?

Shion and Yayoi from Psycho-pass, is probably my fave, just because they’re the first to come to mind, and I adored their dynamic.

30. what experiences are you looking forward to having in the future (kissing a girl, going to pride, etc)?

Honestly, I’m mostly excited to have an actual relationship, and any of the things that come of having a relationship. The only relationships I’ve ever had have been with men when I was still considering myself as bi (and they helped me to figure out that this was not the case), and since then I’ve had nothing. 

[derpyslurpy-da-derp-master]

All of WLW ask

Alrighty! 1. How long have you known you liked girls?

For two or three years I believe, might be a bit off I’m really bad at time perception.

2. Talk about the girl who made you realize you liked girls

Well my first crush was on a girl but I wasn’t physically attracted to her and loved her because I had known her for so long and cared about her so much. However the person that actually made me experience my first physical attraction to women which kinda blew off the cap and made me get to my current ‘ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS’ state was actually a voice actress/stage actress, Ikuta Teru, aka the voice of Futaba from Revue Starlight. The first time I saw her in the Revue Starlight live action musical my brain short circuited and I was completely and utterly floored, it did NOT help that Teru’s an actual Casanova and spent most of her time on stage being a charming ladykiller so there was also that.

3. Are you in a relationship at the moment?

Nope.

4. Do you have a crush at the moment?

I... Don’t know actually. I’ve had one crush in my life and it was on a girl I had no chance with who also was just a horrendous match for me and that would’ve been a toxic relationship. I’ve had two maybe-crushes since. It’s really hard to tell if the feelings I have towards a different girl is actually a crush or me being so starved of healthy good relationships.

5. Describe your crush!

Well, uh, problem there. The girl I mentioned above had a tumblr. So I’m not gonna do that even though I’m not sure if it’s a crush or not. Generally speaking, the two girls that I’ve had maybe-crushes on (not my first crush) have one big thing in common-They’re kind. Incredibly kind. They make me feel... Well, they make me feel unquestionably loved. That’s why it’s so hard to sort my feelings out. My first crush emotionally felt the same as before I had said crush, the only change was me realizing just how much I cared about her. I have a lot of love in my heart and I love my friends so much, especially the ones that genuinely make me feel loved like these two. So yeah.

6. Do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

I don’t really care about appearances, I find every single girl adorable, beautiful, or hot. If you mean the type that turns me into a gay disaster, it’d be more masculine leaning if that’s the phrasology you’re looking for. I mean my gay awakening was Ikuta freaking Teru so that should give a pretty good idea about my type. That and tomboys, a few years ago at a Theatre camp there was this girl who showed up every day wearing one of those shirts with massive holes in the sides that almost make it not a shirt anymore and a tanktop and for some reason always had a flannel tied around her waist and I literally couldn’t talk to her the whole week because every time I looked at her my brain malfunctioned.

7. Do you look/dress more masculine, feminine, or androgynous?

I don’t really put much thought into my appearance but I dress pretty androgynous though my first Prom I showed up wearing a Catra-inspired suit and I felt so goddamn cool so leaning towards Masculine a little.

8. What’s your gaydar like?

Accurate usually. It’s REALLY easy to pick fellow lesbians out since some of us have a pretty distinct way of dressing/acting.

9. Tall girls or short girls?

Short, it makes cuddles and hugs easier. Though I reiterate, appearance doesn’t matter too much to me at all.

10. Intimidating girls or kind girls?

KIND. Please please please kind! I’m a really positive person so I’ve attracted a LOT of negative people in my life and I want nothing more than my future girlfriend to be somebody who’s so genuine and kind with me that I don’t have to be scared in the back of my mind that they actually don’t like me.

11. Hugs or kisses?

I’ve never been kissed so hugs probably? I mean I’m touch starved so hugs are always good anyways.

12. Do you have an ideal ‘type’? What would they be like?

Not really, appearances don’t matter to me. My ‘type’ is kind, loving girls who are easy to read and never leave me second guessing myself or wondering if I did something wrong. Basically, the exact opposite of my first crush.

13. What’s your favourite personality trait of yours?

The fact that I am basically a Golden Retriever in a human body. I’m not exaggerating or joking, ask my mutuals and they’ll probably affirm the fact that I am a literal puppy.

14. What’s your favorite personality trait for a girl to have?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; being kind. I’ve had my own kindness taken advantage of a LOT by people who called me a friend then turned around and emotionally abused me relentlessly. Someone who is genuinely kind, someone who cares about me not because they want something from me but because that’s just who they are... That’s my favorite personality trait.

15. What’s the best thing about liking girls?

where the actual entire fresh frosted fruity pebbles to I begin. How about how every girl is wonderful? How no matter what every girl is cute or beautiful? How they give really good hugs? How they’re so much easier to have a deeper emotional connection with? How all women, no joke, are queens?

16. Do you have any friends who are wlw?

Kind of? My fellow Lesbian’s that I know IRL are, uh, not... Not that great. I don’t know if friend is even the right word. My best friend’s a bi girl though so that counts.

17. Have you ever been to pride? If so, what was your first pride like?

Unfortunately no. I’m still very much closeted. I live in a small town in the middle of Kansas, it’s not safe. 

18. Do you like the lesbian flag?

Mhm! Especially the newer one with the oranges in it, not only do the colors actually mean something now but it’s also much more pleasing to look at with the contrast.

19. What was your first kiss with a girl like?

I’ve never been kissed, I’m still closeted.

20. Who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

*cough cough*

21. What’s your favourite lgbt+ movie?

I’ve never actually seen any LGBT+ movies, closeted, remember? 

22. Who’s your favourite openly wlw celebrity?

I actually don’t know any, then again I barely know any kind of celebrities in the first place.

23. Do you wear makeup?

No and you can’t make me.

24. Who was the first person you came out to (if you have)?

My small friend group. The entire squad is LGBT+ so it was just another Tuesday.

25. Has anyone ever come out to you?

Kind of? My small friend group kinda did but it wasn’t a big thing it was just ‘Oh yeah by the way I’m a lesbian she’s a lesbian and she’s pan.’ and I was just all ‘A’ight.’

26. Have you found a community of lgbt+ people?

Online mostly. Like I said it’s not particularly safe for me to be out so unless I know FOR CERTAIN they’re LGBT+ and I also trust them a great deal I won’t ever tell a soul that I’m a Lesbian.

27. Do you have any older lgbt+ people you look up to?

Yeah, I think so. My friends I met on the Revue Starlight Hell discord server, at least I THINK they’re older than me but you never know.

28. Do you identify with butch/femme labels? 

Not quite, I mean, I’m kinda hard to sort into either. I like dressing sharp sometimes in a suit but also my hair is long and naturally incredibly curly and I normally dress real neutral so idk

29. Who’s your favorite fictional wlw?

These two, 100%. Their romance is literally two girls falling in love with their best friend and I can relate to that so much, not to mention they’re just so adorable and sweet they gave me diabetes a long time ago.

30. What experiences are you looking forward to having in the future (kissing a girl, going to pride, etc)?

Having a GF, having someone to cuddle, actually experiencing what a kiss is like, having someone to cuddle, finally going to Pride, did I mention having a cuddle buddy?

[alcorian-cycle]

I'm arospec but what you're describing reminds me of comphet, when lesbians get crushes on fictional men or celebrities for similar reasons, and I think I've heard other aros talking about similar things. tbh it totally sounds like an aro thing

hm... im not sure

see, i think ive experienced this.. er.. comp-romance. in middle and high school, i dated because i felt like i was "supposed" to be getting romantic feelings. but everyone i dated i was way happier being friends with, and i ended up stopping when i realized that i was hurting not just myself, but my partners who i didnt feel anything romantic for.

crushing on fictional characters doesnt feel like something im "supposed" to do, so im not sure if thats it.

worth mentioning at this point, i have had romantic feelings for exactly one (1) real person, and i think two fictional characters. so its not a whole lot. but it is technically twice as much as ive felt for anyone irl.

(if anyone's curious... those characters are yui komori from diabolik lovers and mammon from obey me)

i guess im less worried about past crushes invalidating me and more wondering, if it happens more, will it invalidate me IDing as aro/arospec?

i dunno... at the end of the day, the reason im interested in the aro label at all is because i want to communicate simply and quickly that a) i am not available romantically despite being single, and b) i very, very, very rarely actually experience romantic attraction so if you think im into you, im probably not, sorry. or youre welcome.

so with that in mind, should it even matter to me if i feel romantic attraction to fictional characters every once in a while? it has nothing to do with the reason i have for using the aro label. like, i would not really care if i didnt want to communicate the above, i wouldnt be having a sexualty/label crisis. i'd just accept it as something about me that doesnt need a label. except it does, because i want people to know facts A and B about me, because i think it will make it a lot easier for me to exist in the world

i just dont want to appropriate a label if its not supposed to apply to me

[endlesslovewitch-blog]

Busted myths about fictophilia / schediaphilia

Hi! I’d like to get the word out since I’ve seen lots of wrong assumptions circulating about this. Fictophilia is a romantic and/or sexual orientation which covers exclusive attraction to fictional characters in animation and movies (no, not the actors). It’s not a fetish, disorder, or solely a type of attraction, but an orientation one is born with, just as valid as any other*. It has nothing to do with lusting after those characters sexually as a fan. *There are people who are attracted to other people and fictional characters in that way. In that case, their orientation is whatever they identify with. I’d like to help you understand who we are and what we’re not by responding to the most common statements aimed at us. This has gotten pretty long so I put all the answers under a cut.

It’s not real! / You’re kidding, right?

No, it’s very much real. We feel genuine romantic and/or sexual attraction of the same sort that alloromantics/allosexuals experience towards people.

How can you tell if you’ve never been in love with a real person?

We can compare our romantic feelings to others’ and reach a conclusion that way. Furthermore, once you fall really hard for someone, you just know, right?

But they’re not real! How is that possible?

Oh, are they not? I’m so sorry, I totally didn’t re– yes, we know they don’t exist, you don’t have to pretend showing concern for our mental health. They have a personality. Many of them have a voice. Isn’t that enough for falling in love?

If not, you can also say you can’t have a crush on someone you’ve never interacted with. It’s essentially like being in love with a celebrity (although we don’t get why loving a celebrity is far more accepted since all the circumstances are the same, except that those characters don’t exist.)

You’re saying that because no one likes you!

It’s actually the opposite. If someone falls in love with us, we’ll have to reject them because we lack attraction.

You’ve just never been in a real relationship!

This may be true for some of us, but not for all. (Those who haven’t been are better off than the others, trust me.) 

However, we don’t contend that we’re fictophiliac for that reason.

We simply lack attraction to other people, so we have no reason to get into a physically intimate relationship in the first place. Just like everyone else with a non-heteronormative orientation, we don’t have any obligation to try all kinds of different things before we can be sure who we are. You’re in no place to decide that. I’m 24 years old, I’ve been in love with the same character for 8 years, I’ve never loved a real person in the same way, but I’ve been in a physically intimate relationship I regret.

You’re exaggerating! / You’ve watched too many cartoons! / You’re taking fiction too seriously!

I suggest you take a look at your own fandoms and all the bashing within before saying that we’re the ones taking fiction too seriously.

You’re delusional.

Guess what, we still reconize the characters as fictional and know that we can never be with them unless we establish something for ourselves. Once that happens, it can be seen as a long-distance relationship. Where’s the problem? That we don’t get a response from their side?

That may be an issue that causes complications for us but it doesn’t make our emotions for them less real. And, surprise, it is entirely up to us how we deal with that. It’s not a problem you have to deal with. On the contrary, we’re not out there to hurt anyone - we’re literally just daydreaming like everyone else in love.

You’re those obsessed people who spend their days holed up in a room full of merchandise and claim to be married to fictional characters.

Again, no. That isn’t us. Many of us are capable of a healthy social life. Some may choose to get married to a character “officially”, but I am personally grossed out by that concept.

I’d never file for a marriage certificate because I’m not forcing anything on the character I love, I’m not disrespecting them, I’m respecting my own feelings, and I’m not into doing something so simple that everyone could do without a connection to them.

As a child, I created OCs to ship with the canon characters I had a crush on, but I never did so openly - only to cheer myself up because I knew from the beginning that it wouldn’t be taken seriously.

Most of us don’t claim the characters to ourselves. If so, chances are that the person is either very young or doesn’t really love them. If someone starts a fight, that’s a problem with the person, not the community.

Here, it’s important to stress the difference to fankids who keep shouting “THEY’RE MINE ALONE!!” (Guys, that’s embarrassing. No wonder no one believes us.)

Some of us forge a connection through dreams or on the spiritual plane in order to cope, but we still have ties to reality - remember that we’re constantly confronted with society’s standards wherever we go, from elementary school days on.

Even if we do collect tons of merchandise, that means we’re supporting the sales of something you enjoy, too.

Also, no real fictophiliac would present themselves in media like the otakus you see on TV. We have self-respect.

As a side note, anyone who uses the terms waifu or husbando to refer to characters unironically is most likely not fictophiliac. Being thrown into the same category as those is offensive to us with actual non-fanbased feelings for those characters. We don’t lust after them like overzealous fans, and it hurts being compared to them.

You can‘t compare yourselves to the LGBT community!

True. We don’t face any of the oppression the LGBT+ community does.

Let’s focus on a different aspect that matters: the self-discovery process in our minds which is similar to anyone else’s with a non-heteronormative orientation. We grow up in society and learn that we’re only supposed to love other people. We’re told our identity is childish and just a phase. In fifth grade, I was certain I’d soon grow out of this and fall in love. When I noticed I didn’t feel  attracted to boys, I believed I was a lesbian. So I mistook a strong platonic attraction for romantic attraction and got into a relationship (after all, I was taught that my feelings for those characters were supposedly different from what actual love should feel like). That is very similar to what aromantics and asexuals go through before they realize they’re not broken.

You’re making this up in order to mock LGBT+ individuals who face oppression in daily life!

Wrong. We’re not part of LGBT+. We’re also not asexual or aromantic for being fictophiliac. I’m writing this to let you guys know we exist, not to claim a label that isn’t ours to claim.

Aren’t you aromantic and/or asexual by default?

I don’t consider myself aromantic because a) going by that label would be unfair towards aros who don’t feel romantic attraction at all, and b) I don’t like erasing my own existence by claiming not to feel something that I do.

I’m asexual because I’m asexual, not because I’m fictophiliac. However, some may choose to go with either label to explain our lack of attraction to people without getting demeaned.

How exactly are you struggling?

- being unable to express our feelings to the character in question and getting rejected by them before we start getting too desperate

- dealing with friends and family members who expect us to date and have children (equally to aros and aces who are told “you haven’t met the right person yet” - but joke’s on them, some of us have indeed)

- if we open up about who we like, we’re always going to receive strange looks; dealing with prejudice, ignorance, dehumanization

- our feelings are constantly played down and mocked even by fandoms (I don’t understand - why are our feelings less valid than other people’s? It’s not like we value our platonic or family relationships less than anyone else.)

- even if we managed to establish some sort of relationship, we can’t be open about it like everyone else; there are always going to be others who like the same character; comparing ourselves to those makes us lose confidence in our own qualities

- getting insulted for no reason with ableist language

- being confronted with the importance of “real” romantic / sexual relationships and the fact that we’re never going to have what others call essential for happiness (physical partnership, marriage, children)

- if we achieve happiness without those things, no one believes us

- spending our whole lives feeling broken, hoping to fall in love “normally”, forcibly getting into unfulfilling relationships, betraying our feelings, trying to fix ourselves (plus getting demonized if said relationship doesn’t work out)

- feeling alienated as though we don’t really belong into this world

- if someone like us comes out to media, they are ridiculed and humiliated

- suicidal thoughts, mental illnesses, mental scars, lifelong lovesickness resulting from all the points above

I hope I could provide you with an insight. It’d be nice for our existence to at least be acknowledged instead of trampled on. Please feel free to ask if you have any other questions! What to do with this information is up to you to decide. (But come on, do you really think I’d waste hours on writing this post if I wasn’t serious?)

Thank you for reading!

[pruzan]

hello liv !! i hope you’re doing wonderfully and, if not, i hope things get much better for you going forward 💗

i’m in need of some advice, if you’re comfortable sharing !! i saw your recent post abt how you’re greyaro, and i was wondering how you came to that conclusion? i’ve always thought i was aro/ace (like ... since i was 11, and i’m almost 18 now), but was always brushed off because i was too young, i simply haven’t met the right person, etc., all valid criticisms of course, so i waited ... and i know i’m still very young and haven’t even seen a fraction of what life has to offer, but it seems like nothing has changed. i’ve never had a crush (at least, on a real person ... fictional characters are another story lol), and in fact, i’m very in love with romance as a CONCEPT, when it’s a story/poem/movie/etc., but the idea of actually practicing it is ... gross, ngl. even the idea of KISSING someone (let alone all the other stuff) grosses me out, i cringe whenever i see a couple kiss, whether that’s fictional or irl, simply because it doesn’t appeal to me.

i’ve had many guy friends have feelings for me and all it does is make me uncomfortable, because ... i want to just have friends, i’m not interested in anyone, platonic relationships in practice mean a lot more to me than romantic relationships. but then again, i also do crave falling in love and finding my soulmate, tho i don’t know if that’s because i WANT to or because that’s what’s expected of me, if that makes sense?

i don’t know if i worded myself correctly, and you’re completely free to not respond, of course !! if anything, i’m just grateful to get all this off my chest, lol, you’re quite a safe space for people to just ... speak and know they’re not going to be met with judgment, you’re amazing that way 💗

!!! hello my sweet anon !!!!! 💗  i’m doing alright today!!! thank you for checking in!!!!!

and thank you for trusting me enough to share your thoughts and ask for some advice!!! i don’t mind sharing at all!!! especially if there’s a chance it might help somehow!!! i’m putting it under a ‘read more’ because it ended up getting a little long (sorry about that)!!! 💗

honestly!!! i felt really similarly to how you’re feeling now!!!  i never really dated in middle and high school.  a part of me wanted to! i had crushes on people, and i loved the idea of being in a romantic relationship, but i got asked out several times and i got anxious about it every single time. there was once or twice when i was younger when i said yes to being somebody’s girlfriend, but i just ended up panicking about it for several days until i broke it off. 

i didn’t really think about it a whole lot! each time i said yes to someone asking me out, i hadn’t had a crush on them for very long before that, and i thought maybe i was just moving into things too fast and that’s why i was uncomfortable. or they just weren’t right for me. also! i have an anxiety disorder! and i was sure that played into things too. dating was new to me, and new things make me nervous. i figured i’d get older and come into my own and things would settle down.

but it kept happening!  every time i got asked out, it would fill me with an overwhelming sense of dread. it would reduce me to tears. i hated it. and it didn’t matter who asked! there were times where i was sure i had a crush on someone, but then they made a move on me, and it was like a switch flipped. the attraction was gone, just like that. i didn’t understand it. i thought maybe that’s just what relationships were like. that they all started out uncomfortable, and if i pushed through it, i’d come out on the other side and i’d actually enjoy them. but i really didn’t want to do that!

i ended up browsing the arospec tags more and more. i came across the term ‘lithromantic’ and kept that in the back of my mind for a long time.  i’ve always developed crushes on people! but when it came to the people around me that i crushed on, it never felt good when it was acted on. and when it came to unattainable people that i crushed on, like celebrities and fictional characters, i started to think that i liked them because they were unattainable, which meant they were safe.

and honestly, i might have stuck with ‘lithromantic’ as a label, but i started leaning towards grey aro / grey ace because i ended up having two positive experiences with romance and affection! they’re a little long so i won’t include them and make this response any longer than it already is but! if you’re curious to hear about them just lemme know! all that really matters is! they helped me realize that you’re supposed to enjoy romantic relationships. when it’s right, it will feel right. and yeah, it might make you nervous! but it’ll be a different kind of nervous. when i had these positive experiences, i wasn’t filled with dread like i had been previously. i was happy! i was excited! i realized that all my previous experiences weren’t just me being anxious, or me being too picky, or me trying to self sabotage my romantic relationships by making a big deal out of things that weren’t a big deal, they really were not right for me. my positive experiences helped me realize that i am capable of romantic attraction, but it’s few and far between. it’s the exception, not the rule.

so. everything you’re saying makes PERFECT sense.  i get it. i get it!!! 

it can be a process to figure out, but i wanna share a few things that have helped me on my journey. and hopefully they will help you too !!!

1. i said this before, but i wanna reiterate it !!! romantic relationships are supposed to be enjoyable for you. they’re supposed to bring something to your life. they’re supposed to be fun! you’re supposed to like the person that you’re with, and look forward to being with them! and obviously relationships will have rough patches, things won’t be perfect all the time, but at the very core of it, you should feel good. if you don’t, then there is no reason to be in one. i used to think that i was missing out because i wasn’t dating when everyone else was, but you’re not missing out if you don’t want it in the first place!

2. you can adore romance and still be arospec !!! it really is a spectrum, and there are so many places to fall on it. like! i love romance SO MUCH. i talk about it. i write about it. i read about it. i watch movies and tv shows about it. i crave it for myself !!! and i’m still arospec!!! some arospec people love it, some hate it, some want it, some are repulsed by it !!! some are all of the above, just depends on the day! and there is no wrong way to be. if you like it, if you want it too, that’s okay. if you’re not sure if you want it, that’s okay too! it’s okay to explore that !!! regardless of what answer you come to, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be arospec. 

3. i think if i waited until i was 100% sure that i was arospec before identifying as grey aro, i wouldn’t ever. there was a very long period of time where i held off on using the label because i thought maybe in a year, two years, three years, i’d date more and i’d have good experiences and i’d realize that i was wrong. but there will always be the possibility that i’ll date more and i’ll decide that i’m not arospec. and that’s okay. i’ve been using the label for about 6 months now and it feels right to me. it feels like it makes sense. but ultimately! it’s okay if one day i feel like it doesn’t! it’s okay if i do change my mind one day! it’s okay if i decide that i was wrong! it’s okay if i decide that maybe i was arospec for a while but i’m not anymore! our identities are fluid. we grow and we adapt and we change, and there is nothing wrong with that. it does not invalidate who we are or who we think we are or who we were or who we thought we were. 

this has been a very long way of me saying !!!  my journey was long, and it is ongoing! and it is okay if you are in the same boat! it is okay if you’re not sure, it is okay if you are never sure! the most important thing is trusting yourself and doing what you feel is right. sometimes that looks like talking things out. sometimes that looks like trying labels on. sometimes that looks like not dating. there is no wrong answer here !!! 

i’m sorry again that this got so long, my friend !!!  but i wish you luck as you explore who you are and what you want, and i hope that you know i will always be here to offer advice or support whenever you need it!!! 💗

[daddy-doms-are-gross]

hiya how do i tell if im bi or a lesbian? ive ided as bi for a while but recently ive realized there are zero (0) boys i can ever imagine liking or being with so im having a sexuality crisis™

I had pretty much this same issue over the course of 4 years because I was desperate to cling to any possibility that I might not be ~gay~ and could end up in a relationship that wouldn’t horrify my parents. I had the same realization that I just couldn’t ever imagine/couldn’t deal with being with or being liked by a guy. Basically I tried to diagram my attraction before realizing that it just wasn’t happening and I was a full-blown lesbian. This might not work for you, but there were a few questions I asked myself to like, verify the lack of attraction

if I have a ‘crush’ on a guy, what happens if he reciprocates? am i happy with that or does the attraction immediately vanish/get replaced by anxiety?

I realized that while I would have short-lived crushes on guys, any sign of reciprocation would send me into a full-blown panic and I would immediately try to do anything I could to make him not attracted to me. This is a facet of compulsory heterosexuality, which paints getting with a man as the ultimate endgame and thus makes it desirable as a result of social conditioning.

do i seek out attention from men as a result of me actually being attracted to them, or do i simply want to seem desirable to them?

this is a subtle but important distinction because all women are socialized to want to appear desirable and available to men even if they are not themselves attracted to men, again due to compulsory heterosexuality. I wanted the socialized (read: patriarchal) validation that came from appearing desirable to men but nothing to do with anything that would entail

can i imagine myself being with a woman, like dating/fucking/marrying/being affectionate with/any combination of the above, while not being able to imagine the same with a man?

I literally could not imagine myself in a romantic or sexual context with a man without feeling at least a little bit anxious. if you can imagine yourself with a woman without neutral-to-negative feelings but cannot do the same with a man, then there’s probably a lack of attraction there that merits recognition. 

are the men I have sustained attraction to real or fictional men?

the only men i really felt that i was legitimately attracted to for a long time were celebrities. those men exist, but they are not “attainable” and therefore were not threats to my idealized conceptions of them (because if a man ever reciprocated interest, I would lose interest). and even then, i would never fantasize about them or think about them outside of a very basic, non-physical idea. basically, liking fictional men or wholly unattainable men does not denote legitimate attraction because society has us recognize them as “ideals” so we tend to look to them to set the standards anyway

I hope this helps a little! Like honestly the scariest part for me was actually saying the words “I am a lesbian” because of the sensationalized ~radical~ connotations of the word. But if you think the label fits you, I want to encourage you to try it out. Even if it ends up not fitting in the future, there’s nothing wrong with testing out a new identity and seeing whether it makes you more comfortable. Identifying as a lesbian has, for me, brought a huge sense of relief and new ownership over my body and sexuality (as well as freedom from men!). Figuring ourselves out is confusing, but there should be no shame in it because the end goal is being comfortable and happy with ourselves, regardless of who we love.

[lohveandfilm]

Somewhere in Northern Italy: The Fantastical World of Call Me By Your Name

I’m going to start this blog with a disclaimer: I am generally incapable of being objective about Call Me By Your Name. I’ve been infatuated with this film since a month before I even saw it. For the past two years, I have harbored a fairly intense celebrity crush on Timothée Chalamet (as I alluded to several blogs ago) that has somehow brought me new friends and some pretty crazy experiences. I won’t go into detail about these experiences for your own sake but suffice it to say that CMBYN has become quite tied to important personal experiences of mine that inherently color my viewing of the film (I hope I have managed to hide this well enough in class).

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

My understanding of Call Me By Your Name has always been through the lens of fantasy. The reason for this viewpoint is partly practical; though the age difference is not as emotionally triggering for me as it is for other people, I find that this seems to be partly because I have been viewing Elio and Oliver’s relationship as existing outside the real world, where I would immediately suspect Oliver of ill intentions. The sort of parallel universe created by the film helps me to let my guard down and see Oliver through Elio’s eyes, as Miles Rufelds notes is the goal of the film’s cinematography. Perhaps it is precisely because of my extensive experience with celebrity crushes that allows me to relate to Elio’s view of Oliver, as the object of desire in the film of his life. Elio’s family even refers to Oliver as a “movie star,” a description both of his Americanness and of his status as an unreal figure.  It would not be unreasonable to say that Elio, constantly engrossed in books and other works of fiction, transferred a worldview distorted by those works of fiction onto his relationship with Oliver, as Rufelds also notes.  Elio seems to willingly (but maybe unconsciously) ignore signs of strain in their relationship, such as Oliver’s repeated absences at dinner.  The scene where Elio tries to ascertain Oliver’s feelings for Chiara springs to mind; Oliver’s overly harsh reaction appears in retrospect a desperate attempt to keep Elio from getting too attached, both to protect himself from engaging in anything improper and to protect Elio from the inevitable heartbreak at the end of the summer. Yet as soon as they arrive at the archaeological site, Elio trails wistfully behind Oliver and his father, soaking up the sun and the joy of being with Oliver.

My perception of CMBYN as a fantasy is also a reflection on my experience as a queer individual, where everyday interactions must be judged in advance to determine how much of myself can be revealed. Although I have been very privileged in this respect compared to others, the pressure of living in a world that is still largely homophobic has surely affected my worldview. To see a story where a queer couple enjoys (for the most part) the freedom afforded to heterosexual couples is a view into an alternate history, a parallel universe where this pressure is lifted. It sometimes feels as if the film is suspended above the real world, its limits present but hazy, only peeking through in certain moments like when Oliver tells a nerve-wracked Elio, “I’d kiss you if I could.” The passage of time is unclear throughout; what seems like only a week or two is actually several, and Oliver is suddenly close to leaving right after he and Elio finally sleep together. Pamela Demory describes these kinds of non-normative time structures as “queer time,” creating a space for queerness outside of the confines of society. I think it is important to note here that the novel was originally written as a heterosexual love story, where the importance of this alternative timeline would not be so apparent. The relationship’s deadline acts so devastatingly precisely because it marks the end of this queer time, when the realities of being gay in the 1980s come back into focus and break down the walls of Elio’s fantasy.

I’d also like to comment on the story of Marzia, who I feel is often undervalued in discussions of the film (and by Elio). Marzia isn’t just a contrast to Oliver meant to demonstrate Elio’s desire for someone of the opposite sex, she’s an important part of Elio’s self-exploration sexually and emotionally. I’ve often said that I disagree with those who label Elio as gay. His relationship with Marzia never feels forced, and you also never get the sense that he’s completely disinterested in her romantically. It’s clear that if Oliver hadn’t arrived, Elio and Marzia would have had a relationship that summer, and perhaps they would have established a more intimate partnership. The arrival of Oliver, though, allows Elio to experience the difference between a deep love and a more superficial, convenient interest. His ultimate rejection of Marzia isn’t a rejection of women altogether, it is simply a recognition that he isn’t capable of harboring such profound feelings for this particular woman. I also find Marzia to be a sort of role model, handling herself with immense empathy and compassion in the face of heartbreak. I think we’ve all been in the position of finding out that someone we’ve admired isn’t interested, and there is a strong compulsion to counteract that pain with vindictiveness. Yet Marzia understands that Elio’s behavior is not a result of malice, and she accepts his unspoken apology for hurting her. She recognizes her own pain in him and uses that empathy to rebuild their friendship, to move on. Joanna DiMattia describes the themes of compassion running throughout the film, but I admire Marzia’s compassion the most because it comes at a personal cost that she chooses to put aside for the sake of her friend. While we learn about romantic love from Elio and Oliver, Marzia teaches us about the love of friendship and its fundamental importance to the stability of our lifelong emotional journeys.

[sableaire]

I actually imagine ending up with people and such but when it comes to real life intimacy, I'm like "stay away from me". I mean I do get jealous when my friends have boyfriends but the thought of having one actually scares me. Would that mean I'm asexual? I'm really confused, I'm totally ok with anyone regardless of gender if and only if I'm really interested in the person but still have a preference of having boyfriends than girlfriends. That's normal right?

First of all, you are completely valid in how you feel, and you are as normal as anyone else. Second of all, I am wordy and this answer is long, so let me stick the rest under a readmore.

Summary: You’re fine, and it’s fine to be confused. You might want to compare the definitions of asexuality, aromanticism, gray-asexuality, and gray-aromanticism and see you feel comfortable with any of those labels. A lot of people are okay with any gender but still have a preference, and that’s completely natural too. Also, your romantic/sexual identity isn’t set in stone. It’s completely fine to use a label that you’re comfortable with for the time being and change it later on, once you learn more about yourself. You’re a-okay, and you’re ahead of the game already by giving this some serious thought.

The reason you’re concerned about whether or not you’re ‘normal’ is because there’s this strange, social belief that everyone feels the same way about romance and sex, when they don’t. I’ve spoken to many adults about my being aroace, and in their efforts to either invalidate or understand me, they told me about how they felt ‘at my age’. They all had complete certainty that every other person in the world had the same feelings about about romance or sex or sexual orientation that they did, and that I was the odd one out.

I have yet to hear from two people sharing each others’ experience.

The only reason that people think that there is a ‘normal’ way to go about romance is because there’s an inexplicable taboo on talking about it with others. Couple that with decades-long social conditioning, and that gives everyone a model they think they’re supposed to fit. “I guess that fits how I feel,” people say, stuffing a round peg into a square hole, completely missing how the corners never fit right.

It sounds like you’ve put some time and thought into understanding your own feelings, and you should be proud of that! That’s more than many people in the world have done, and it’s a vital step in getting to know who you are as a person. It’s a vital step in getting to know how to build your happy future.

However, let me guide you with a few more questions that might help: How do you define your relationships? What is it that scares you about a potential boyfriend? How do you feel about romance? How do you feel about sex? Also, just for clarity’s sake, who are you jealous of - the friends or the boyfriends?

Romance and Sex often go hand-in-hand for many people, but but that’s not the case for everyone. There are people in romantic relationships who have no interest in sex, and there are people who feel vice versa. Only you can figure out what label you’re comfortable with, but let me help by defining some for you:

You might be aromantic, which means that you do not feel romantic attraction. You might desire a romantic relationship, but that desire has never been fixated on a specific person. Some aromantics are okay with romance-coded activities as long as it’s between friends. 

You might be asexual, which means that you do not feel sexual attraction. You might enjoy sex and sexual activities and or feel aroused by fiction or fantasies, but you do not feel the desire to have sex and or engage in sexual activities with a specific person.

You might be gray-aro or gray-ace, which means that you might feel romantic attraction or sexual attraction very rarely under specific circumstances. (subcategories include but are not limited to litho-, demi-, akoi-, and cupio-)

You might be aroace, which means that you are some combination of the above. I personally identify as aroace, and I have yet to feel romantic or sexual attraction at almost 21 years of age. People tell me that will change when I ‘meet the right person’ and maybe it will, but I am happy calling myself aroace now, and I will continue to do so. 

For reference, in high school, I didn’t realize that when people described a celebrity as ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ they didn’t just mean aesthetic appreciation. I had always assumed that they were appraising the celebrity how I might view a statue in a museum. I also didn’t realize that people actually wanted to date and have sex - I thought people just dated for fun and that all that high school sex talk was some kind of collective inside joke. I was wrong. So, so very wrong, ahaha.

Or after all this, you might decide that you’re not aro or ace at all, and that’s fine too. A certain level of fear is to be expected in any new experience, so if you haven’t had a romantic partner before, the idea of one might be scary. However, have you had a crush before? Have you wanted to have romantic feelings reciprocated before? These are questions to ask that will help you determine whether or not you are aro/gray-aro.

In the same way, the idea of sex can be scary, especially if it’s a new experience. Is it something that scares you so much that the idea is unappealing? Or is it something that’s intimidating but you’re interested in? 

Ultimately, I can only give you information. In the end, you will know yourself best, so you’ll have to be the one to decide what labels, if any, you’re comfortable with. 

If you ever need more information, however, I’m always happy to help.