#fianlly... I am finished

[neonsix67]

The gangs all here. The family is complete.

Dad is acting like he doesn't like having his kids all together, but I know better.

[youcant-bemygirl]

Went to Nostel yesterday which was really nice we had fab weather and the house is interesting because it was never really finishes and was basically a vanity project which didnt even impress people. It felt a little bit sad. They did have a big old doll house though which i love, the art of minatures and replicating items perfectly but also tiny is so amazing and i love looking at the details (nunnington hall have an amazing minatures room! One is a music room with working tiny instruments!).

And it meant getting a new patch for my bag! (And i fianlly sewed on my patches today) also have a picture of Barrington infront of Nostel.

Weve taken it easy today and ive put up the paint sample colours in the hall so we can decide if my vision for the colour scheme will work or not. Starting to feel a bit bleh because i am back to work next week and i dont really wanna be!

[madamebaggio]

Okey, I think I got my adoption request ready. But do NOT be surprised if I were to throw another at you 😊

I'm thinking Ciri adopted by the remaining Starks! But especially like Sansa and Arya. She does already have Geralt, so I guess maybe he can hang around too if you want, but the girls in focus 🥰 in GoT-canon. And maybe like... Ciri has been there for a weel or whatever, not that long, but she's realising she's found family and home again, and no one is chasing after her?

Notes: So sorry for taking all this time to do it.

But I do hope you like it!

***

“There you go.” Sansa finished fixing Ciri’s braid.

“Thank you, Sansa.” The young lady said softly.

“It’s always a pleasure, sweet child.” Sansa cupped her face.

Ciri still marveled at Sansa’s care and words. The Queen in the North was warm and kind even after everything she’d been through. Ciri believed that this was real strength; not letting others corrupt what was good about oneself.

She smiled at the older lady. “I’m not a child.” She teased.

“To me you are. I feel like I am a hundred years old.”

“Sometimes you look like it.” A voice chirped from the door.

Ciri turned to Arya and she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

It was funny how the two women, despite their differences, were extremely dignified in their own ways. Except when they were alone, because then they behaved like sisters and poked fun at each other.

It was really cute.

Ciri felt even happier that they felt they could behave like this around her. Because she was also family to them.

“Is the princess ready or do I need to wait more?” Arya threw at Ciri, but it was light-hearted teasing.

“I’m ready.” Ciri stood up. “Is Geralt already there?”

Arya shook her head. “He and Jon are grunting at each other in what passes as a conversation between those two.”

Sansa snickered softly, before covering her mouth up. “Time to go, Ciri. You don’t want to test Arya’s patience, since it’s almost non-existent.”

“And yet, you’re still testing it.”

The two sisters exchanged glares that soon became smiles. Ciri heard that they’d grown closer as they got older, and all the barbs were just teasing now.

If Sansa was a warm blanket, Arya was an unbreakable shield. She might not be sweet like Sansa was, but Ciri never doubted how much the younger sister cared about her.

After months in Winterfell, she felt as if she could breathe again, as if she fianlly found a place where she could be accepted. The cold of the North wasn’t scary or forebooding; it’d become conforting and a home.

It felt like belonging once again.

[electricrogue]

Got tagged by @tinknevertalks and @sarcasticsciencefictionwriter and fianlly got around to do this, so thank you (and sorry it took me so long)

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

72 apparently :D

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

244.448 - whew that was a pain to add up. But it is also scary from other points of view (but also fun) so worth it.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Sanctuary the most though I did some other stuff as well historically speaking xD.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Keep in mind the kudos are 100% based on how big the fandom is I guess so hmmm not sure it's fair. Here it goes anyway:

Mysterious Ways - Fleabag with Fleabag/Priest which is the only fic I wrote in that fandom funnily enough.

Confessions - La Casa de Papel with The Professor/Raquel

Reunion - same

Five Times Randall Came Up With Vermish Theories And One Time It Got Confirmed - this is The Order with Vera/Hamish and yeah it's basically the kids finding out their sexy boss is fucking (around) with someone they shouldn't but it's The Order and not Sanctuary for some reason :))

Meeting Someone Big - Again Vera/Hamish from the order and funnily enough this is one I would have done a lot better if I were into werewolves but I'm not so it turned fluffy and yeah xD.

See? 5 of them and none Sanctuary it's a good thing I don't write for kudos because I would have been pissed otherwise. I mean I loved these when I wrote them don't get me wrong but... Sanctuary is my baby ok. It's just that it's a very small fandom so yeah.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes I mean come on people do their best to leave them (never got nasty ones not really) so it's the least I can do

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't do angst not on ao3. Should have been Love in Perpetuity I started that one wanting to kill Helen but it's not ended because I couldn't bring myself to do it so yeah does it really count?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Either The Secret Beneath The Ice or Dear Stranger I guess (I mean Teslen is basically either engaged or with kids at the end so yeah)

8. Do you get hate on fic?

Not really

9. Do you write smut?

At some point I did it enough that it had kinda become my go to thing xD

10. Do you write crossovers?

Did my share of those as well

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes - London Miracles got translated into Russian partially.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh I did a lot more than that only not on AO3 xD. Me and some other girls had a porn writing club if you can call it that? And we did some Teslen stuff together. It's on fanfiction.net because we didn't know about ao3 at that point and at least two of us were hormonal teenagers and that's pretty much the only excuse I have for it existing xD. Look it up on your own risk

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Teslen all the way

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

Pffff that's a lot of them. London Miracles is the one I feel the worst about because I liked it but I haven't written in ages for it so not sure I can start over. Plus I am taken mostly writing wise for the next year so yeah. Not optimistic about this.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm better at writing dialogue than anything else (which can also get to be a major pain sometimes)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I hate descriptions with a passion especially if it's clothes (filled under why the hell did I sign up for some stuff Jesus Christ)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Me or other people? xD. I know like 4 languages in various degrees but I could get some sentences written in all of them. But French is too cliche, Romanian who the fuck speaks that, Dutch... well doesn't make sense with any of the fandoms I am in (except one but that's not fic writing material I said like the biggest liar in the world) and English is what I am writing fics in in the first place.

Other people writing this? More power to them :). Though if they mess up Romanian (which is the only one I know well enough to know if they do) I would gently point it out.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Tom and Jerry crossover with Chip and Dale. I was like 5 and I shipped Jerry with one of the squirrels not sure what that says about me xD.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

The Admins Know Better. Ooor Feather-Like Messages. They're the most me fics I ever wrote (as in they have a lot of stuff I like, I mean the first one is subtle but I know and this is what matters).

Tagging... hmm. Not sure who wasn't tagged yet from the people I know so I will go with @xbleeple, @zebsfloppyears, and whoever else wants to do it :)

[incredibletales]

Favourite Soundtracks » Dragon Age: Inquisition

[kadarirat]

OUTLINE DONE! I REPEAT! OUTLINE DONE!

[evienyx]

Chapter 5: Zuko Gets This Close to Actually Learning Something

‘Zuko finds that it is quite hard to fall asleep when you've never slept away from home before.

It's also hard to fall asleep when nightmares keep waking you up.

Who would've guessed?’

- - -

Take it! Take it!

I finally did it! Now take it!

[omoghouls]

Humbly I am thinking about Ed desperately making it juuuust in time to a bathroom or a secluded spot outside… But Stede is with him or atleast close enough to see/hear Ed. And he’s struck by how long Ed’s been peeing for and it doesn’t even sound like stopping anytime soon so, in that worried way of his he comments “How long have you been *holding* that?” And well… maybe Ed is just embarrassed as he finishes his stream but, maybe the comment makes him so self-conscious that his bladder locks up mid-stream and now he’s not even *done* holding it…

Ansnkwndfnfje omfg im FROTHING YES??? HOLY SHRK

Big bladder Ed love here YAAAAAA!!!! Omg like,Stede probably hadn't meant it to be a self conscious making remark he was just, genuinely amazed!

But omgggg maybe Stede can tell that Ed still has to go and feels bad so he kinda kneels or stands behind Ed and tries to help him relax again, apologizing and giving gentle words of praise/encouragement to Ed ;u; because he doesn't want Ed to be holding it any longer than he has!!

Maybe that helps Ed and he relaxes, fianlly able to finish and feel an empty bladder once more (omfg though, you know Stede can feel Ed's bladder deflating while he's gently kneading into the lower abdomen 👀)

[fanfics-of-marvel]

Tony dies and Natasha is devastating by her boyfriend’s death until he comes back as an angel with beautiful wings. I keep things simple so your creativity isn’t withheld. Love your work!

Hello @chuckshurleyfucks

Remember me? You sent me this really great prompt so long ago and I am really sorry this comes after so much time! :( I don’t have much time to write and often I’m away from tumblr for some time. But I told myself that I’ll finish each and every request in my inbox NO MATTER WHAT and I fianlly had the chance to write yours. :)

I really hope it resembles what you desired to read and I can only hope it was worth the wait!

------------------------------------------------

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED

Release date: 21/04/21

Pairing: Tony Stark x Natasha Romanoff

Summary: Tony dies in an accident and Natasha is devastated. After the funeral, however, she has an unexpected meeting with him.

Words count: 3 139

A/N: I guess I could call it a magical AU :)

Warnings: None, maybe a little bit of angst

Requests | Masterlist

I’m not a native English speaker, so there might be spelling or grammatical mistakes.

This fic is my own work, it is not to be re-posted on this site or posted anywhere else without my knowledge and consent!

------------------------------------------------

“Tony Stark was a great man,” Rhody’s voice echoed in the capacious room in the Avengers Headquarters. “Despite being Tony Stark”.

Laughter rose among the attendants. Natasha smiled, too. For the first smile since the accident.

A picture of Tony himself filled the giant screen behind Rhody. He turned around and looked at his best friend. Nobody could see but his eyes were watery. Rhody turned back to the crowd.

“Is it me or was his head actually this size?” he said as he pointed at the enormous photo of Tony projected on the wall.

Everyone laughed again. Even louder than before. Natasha’s smile was even bigger.

‘Oh, it was,’ she thought to herself.

After the ceremony was over Natasha retired to their room. She closed the door behind her and leaned upon its massive structure. She stared at the empty bed with an even emptier gaze. It looked bigger now.

Natasha waddled to the wardrobe. She pushed the door and walked inside an even bigger room. The lights turned on automatically. It was Tony and Natasha’s private wardrobe. She walked to the hangers holding Tony’s suits. Natasha slowly slid her hand upon one of them and closed her eyes. She pictured her loved one in it on Wanda and Vision’s wedding. He was smiling, he was laughing, life was flowing through his veins.

‘Congratulations,’ he had said hugging the newlywed couple.

‘Thank you, Mr. Stark’, Vision had replied. ‘Perhaps, sir, now it is your turn,’ he had added nodding towards Natasha.

Tony had looked at his girlfriend across the garden with twinkling eyes. ‘Perhaps, it is,’ he had whispered heard only by the bride and groom.

Natasha opened her eyes and a tear slid down her face. Her skin was still moist from all the preceding crying. She let the tear flow down freely. Its final destination was on her bosoms.

Natasha walked towards another suit. She held it with both her hands and shove her face at it. She took a deep breath and breathed in the leftover aroma from Tony’s perfume. He wore this suit just a week ago. As Natasha sniffed the fabrics she could hear Tony speaking.

“All just for you, my love,” he said while unfolding the blindfold upon Natasha’s eyes.

“Tony,” she gasped at the view of the beautifully decorated gazebo in the garden surrounded by flowers and burning candles.

It was a hot summer night. The air was filled with the sweet scent of the flowers. The discreet light of the candles provided perfect view of the stars above them. Crickets played a lovely concerto.

“Tonight it’s just you and me,” Tony said with tenderness and he literally meant it for the waiters were a few droids from his Iron Legion.

The night was going as planned and Tony knew there was only one final thing missing to make it perfect.

“Nat,” he said holding Natasha’s hands. “There is something I want to ask you. But you need to close your eyes.”

Natasha curved her lips in a smile and closed her eyes. She suspected what was to follow but it still took her by surprise.

“You can open them now,” Tony said with noticeable nervousness in his voice.

Natasha opened her eyes and a specific reflected light crossed her eyes. She looked down and saw the most beautiful diamond upon a ring. Her eyes met with Tony’s. They were sparkling even brighter than the diamond.

“Nat, will you marry me?”

Natasha sobbed. She had taken the ring box out of the internal pocket of the suit jacket. She opened it and looked at the ring. It seemed even more beautiful now. Out of fear not to lose it she kept it there safe during their final mission.

Natasha let it all out. The most gruesome sound exited her. Tears were falling down her face. She leaned towards the wall and slowly slid down. She was panting. The memory was too strong, too vibrant. She laid down completely squeezing the ring box at her chest. She closed her eyes and heard the bombarding again.

Two days ago Tony and Natasha were on what seemed to be nothing more than a routine mission. There was a minor terrorist attack just outside the city in which a small group of people threw grenades and shot at the nearby houses, stores, and cars. Agents of Tony and Natasha’s class weren’t needed at all but Tony had a thing against terrorists, so he couldn’t miss destroying some more. Natasha had joined him in the last moment. She always said he needed her back up, especially on the ground. Besides, she loved watching her future husband kicking ass in his latest Iron Man suit.

Natasha was smiling playfully as she observed Tony far up in the sky threatening the puny terrorists on the ground. His voice could be heard loud and clear even down there thanks to a special technology which he had recently developed. The three men seemed terrified and were yelling some words in Arabic, their arms were in the air and they dropped their weapons.

‘Easy peasy’, everyone thought at this view. The S.H.E.I.L.D. agents were looking at Tony with admiration wishing they had what he had and hoping that someday they’d possess at least half of Tony’s authority.

Natasha was smiling smugly and was already packing her ‘toys’ which she obviously wouldn’t need during this mission when she heard it. Loud thundering sounds coming from very near. She quickly looked around trying to figure out where did the sound come from. But before she managed to make a full turn the wave from the explosions threw her few meters behind. For a moment sand and dirt fell all over her face. A high-pitched noise rang in her ears. Her head felt heavy and dizzy, the world around her was spinning.

An impenetrable fog of sand and dust surrounded Natasha. The only thing she could perceive was the distant thunders of bombing and shooting. Except that it wasn’t distant. It was right there, so very close to her but her hearing was impaired. So when she heard that raw gruesome sound of metal hitting the ground hard she hadn’t whatsoever realized it was Tony himself. Natasha closed her eyes and felt completely senseless.

When she finally opened her eyes the world was still spinning but the high-pitched sound was getting weaker. Natasha couldn’t know how long she’d been on the ground unconscious.

‘Ambush,’ she thought to herself as she groaned trying to get up. Her legs were really unstable but somehow she managed to remain standing.

“Tony,” she tried to speak but barely any sound came out of her lips.

The sound of the bombing had seized. Now she could hear some distant noise of people screaming and could distinguish silhouettes running around.

“Tony!” Natasha shouted as loud as she could. The sound was still very quiet but she started to regain her senses.

The more Natasha walked towards those people, the better she could hear and see. The fog was clearing up and everything hitherto shapeless started to fall into pieces.

“Agent Romanoff, are you alright?” Natasha noticed a fellow S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in front of her.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. What happened? Where’s Tony?”

“There was an ambush, ma’am,” the man continued speaking. “After those three terrorists seemed to be surrendering there was whole artillery that appeared out of the blue hiding underneath enormous canvases that had perfectly blended with the landscape. They hit us unexpectedly, ma’am. They threw bombs, grenades and every hellish explosive you can think of,” the man stopped talking as if there was something more which he just didn’t want to say.

“Well, where’s Tony, then?” Natasha was persistent. There was no getting out of this.

The man sighed. The dust had almost completely settled, so Natasha could see his face quite clearly. There was something bad written in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, agent Romanoff,” the man finally said pointing away in a direction to her right.

Natasha followed his finger and with terror noticed the Iron Man suit lying on the ground in a little crater.

“Tony!” Natasha shouted and ran towards him.

Due to the shock from the explosions her legs and balance were still compromised, so she tripped and fell two times until she managed to get to Tony. He was lying on his back but from the traces of the impact it was clear that he hadn’t fallen that way and had been moved from the agents.

A paramedic was examining him as Natasha walked near. Her facial expression and eyes showed fear. The strongest fear she had ever felt in her entire life. Abruptly, her whole body started trembling, she couldn’t catch breath and tears flew down her face.

Tony was lying in his forcefully opened Iron Man suit covered in blood and bruises. She could barely recognize his face which seemed twisted now. The suit had absorbed part of the impact but he had fallen from a great height.

The paramedic was looking down shaking his head. A defibrillator lied near him obviously recently used. His colleague took a deep breath and then Natasha heard the worst words in her entire life.

“Time of death,” said the second paramedic and looked at his watch. “1:03 p.m.”

“No!” Natasha screeched so loudly that the two paramedics jumped startled. They hadn’t noticed her presence beforehand.

She gathered a whole lot of looks from other agents, as well. Some of which were also still unaware of the tragedy.

“Tony,” Natasha barely made a sound as she fell on her knees next to his dead body. Tears were falling down her face and she could barely breathe.

The two paramedics discreetly recoiled. They had to take care of the body but also knew they had to give Natasha a moment.

She gently placed her hands upon his distorted face. His blood was already drying but his skin was still warm. So warm as if he was still alive. Could it be that the paramedics were wrong? Natasha slowly slid her right hand and felt his carotid. No pulse.

Why had they given up? Natasha examined more of Tony’s body. There were noticeable fractures on his chest and abdomen. He definitely had broken ribs and most likely suffered from a punctured lung for his chest was purple and bloody. Some of the blood upon his face had surely flowed from his mouth.

There was no doubt. Tony Stark was dead and the tries of the paramedics had been unsuccessful.

“Agent Romanoff,” the paramedic spoke. “I’m really sorry but we need to take the body. It’s the protocol,” he paused for a moment. “You can see his body again at the mortuary.”

Natasha knew the protocol very well. She had followed it a little too many times with fellow agents. And she always kept in mind she might have to follow it with Tony, as well. Or he with her. She had always hoped for the latter one. As cruel as it sounded to prefer to cause Tony such pain she hoped she’d never have to live it herself because she would be the dead one.

“Goodbye, Tony,” Natasha quietly said and kissed his forehead.

Then she got up and walked away. She heard the team preparing to take his body. She kept on walking and never looked back.

Natasha looked at the ring. It dispersed the light from the ceiling so beautifully that the entire wardrobe was shining bright. She hadn’t put it on ever since she took it off for their final mission together.

With trembling hands Natasha took the ring out of the box and put it on her finger. She was much calmer now. The tears upon her face had started drying. She remembered about the dinner on which he proposed to her. A smile appeared on her face. It was sad that Tony was gone but it was a virtue to have had him in her life.

“Natasha,” a barely perceptible sound.

Natasha looked up and around her. She thought she heard a noise but assumed it was nothing.

“Natasha,” there was it again. This time a little louder.

“Who’s in there?” she asked confused and a little concerned. Nobody else had access to their bedroom. “Rhody, is that you?” she got up and walked towards the wardrobe’s door. The sound seemed to be coming from the bedroom.

“Natasha,” this time she heard it more clearly.

She stopped sharply right at the door. The voice sounded like Tony’s. Her eyes got watery and her breathing stopped for a moment. Could it be?

“Nat,” he said again this time very clearly. “It’s me.”

There was a very bright white light coming from the bedroom. Natasha slowly walked out of the wardrobe. She gasped and dropped the ring box.

Tony was floating in the air just above their bed bathed with beautiful heavenly light. He was dressed in all white and behind him there were big beautiful angel wings. Even though Tony was being Tony Natasha had always known that he was just like this on the inside – a beautiful angel.

“Tony?” she said with trembling voice.

“Hello, my love.” Tony spoke with a tender and soothing voice.

Natasha’s lower lip trembled. She never thought she’d see him again.

“Tony? Is that really you?” she asked with a hoarse voice.

“Yes, my love. It’s me,” Tony replied with a gentle smile.

Natasha shook her head. This all must have been an illusion. She assumed it was the shock and all of the emotions from the past week which were playing with her mind. Or perhaps she had fallen asleep in the wardrobe.

“Come here,” Tony said as he floated down and stepped on the floor facing her. He outstretched his hands and gently placed them at the sides of her face.

Natasha shuddered at the touch. It felt so real. She lifted her hands as well. Tony’s face was warm again.

He leaned down and gently kissed her lips. Natasha’s knees felt weaker.

“How is this possible?” Natasha asked after Tony moved away.

“The ring,” Tony said as he took her hand in his. “It’s a very special stone. It’s connected to my soul.”

Natasha gasped. How?

“More magical things than Doctor Strange exist on this world,” Tony said wittily. “And I got my hands on this,” he pointed at the stone upon the ring. “As long as you wear it I will always know where you are, I will always feel you, and I will always be your guardian angel.”

“I want you back, Tony,” Natasha said with hope.

“I’m afraid that’s not possible, Nat,” a bitter smile.

Not the reply she wanted to hear.

“But I will always be with you,” Tony said gently fondling her cheek. “I will be a barely perceptible presence. Always there next to you, just one breath away. You might sometimes spot me with the corner of your eye. But you will never be able to see me,” tears fell down Natasha’s face. “You will always be showered in my heavenly light. And you will always be protected by my angel wings,” Tony held her left hand. “As long as you wear the ring,” he smiled softly.

Natasha looked down at her hand gently placed in Tony’s. His skin was so warm, so alive. She had to check. Her right hand slid upon his wrist. Her fingers found the spot.

Nothing.

Tony had no pulse.

“Oh, my love,” Tony whispered softly.

Natasha’s whole body was trembling. Her hand did another check-up.

Strong lively heart rate. Slightly accelerated.

“If I take my pulse away will I be able to be with you?” she stammered in tears.

“Oh, Nat,” Tony sighed. “Great things await you. The world needs your protection.”

“The world needs your protection.”

Tony fondled her face again. “The only one who needs my protection is you.”

“But I want you here with me,” Natasha burst into tears. “Next to me, all of the time. Fighting beside me, kissing me, loving me,” she was falling apart. “Please, Tony,” Natasha wrapped her arms around him and shove her face at his chest weeping.

Tony placed his hands on Natasha’s head as his wings surrounded her. Natasha calmed down in an instant. She felt completely relaxed and balanced. There was warmness and peace.

Natasha placed her ear next to Tony’s chest. But it was an empty chest. There was no treasure for her in there.

“Nat, stop searching for my heart here,” Tony said. “You know it’s there,” he placed his fingers upon her chest. “I gave it to you long time ago. And it’s where it will always be.”

Natasha felt warmness in her chest. For a moment it seemed like there were two hearts beating as one. She smiled gazing into Tony’s eyes. She didn’t want this moment to end.

“Now you need some sleep,” Tony said and holding Natasha’s hand he pulled her towards the bed.

“I don’t want to go to sleep. That means time not spent with you,” Natasha objected.

“Shhh, my love,” Tony gently placed his finger upon her lips. “I’ll be right next to you.”

He laid down on one side and his angel wing was spread on the bed. Natasha joined him and lied upon it. He embraced her with his arms and then with his wings. It took her seconds to fall asleep perfectly calm and relaxed feeling completely protected for the first time in her life.

When Natasha woke up the next morning she was alone on the bed. There was no trace of Tony. She looked at her left hand. The ring was there reflecting the light just as beautifully. She wondered about last night. Did it all happen or was it a dream? She assumed it was the latter and got out of bed. She had fallen asleep with clothes on and smutched make-up. She needed a shower.

Just as Natasha was about to walk in the bathroom she spotted a barely perceptible presence with the corner of her eye. She turned around startled but didn’t see anybody. Her breathing quickened. She rubbed her eyes assuming it was sleepiness and tiredness.

When Natasha calmed down she could swore she felt somebody else’s breath at the side of her face. She felt calm and relaxed. There was a warm feeling surrounding her. She slid her hands at the sides of her arms sinking in the feeling and closed her eyes. Her right hand touched her chest. Two hearts beating as one.

Natasha smiled. She opened her eyes and stared into the nothingness in front of her. There was something she could spot with the corner of her eye. A barely perceptible presence watching over her as her guardian angel.

------------------------------------------------

Thank you for reading! If you liked it please react - reply/like/reblog! Your support is appreciated!

This fic is my own work, it is not to be re-posted on this site or posted anywhere else without my knowledge and consent!

[zelinkslullaby]

Oh my god oh my fuck holy shit I fiANLLY FUCKING FINISHED THE GODDAMN CHAPTER

I am SO sorry its taken me a year again 😭😭😭 you have no idea oh my fuck. I hate it. I'm so sorry. I really hope its worth it to all of you that read this 🥺

And good news is- while I didnt intend to end the chapter the way I did, them being less emotionally distanced will be much easier for me to write. I also have the next few chapters outlined even more than just the rest of the story. Let's hope it doesn't take me another year... 😭 fuck executive dysfunction and depression.

Pls enjoy... the zelink

[snipsnak]

fianlly finished my 10 page essay about hello kitty and consumerism i am never takinf a communications class again 😭

[seulbby]

nothing hurts more

——————————————————————————

warnings - angst, unrequited love, sweating

pairings - steve rogers x reader, bucky barnes x reader (platonic) steve rogers x natasha romanoff

a/n - idk why but i love angst lol.

“i’m going to tell him” you’ve had feelings for america’s golden boy for months now and also happen to be your bestfriend. bucky kept telling you to just say something because he swears steve feels the same way.

“finally!! you actually taking my advice.” he was more than estatic which was weird because this is your love life? but whatever. as you were walking up to go to steve your feelings you over hear a conversation that maybe you didn’t want to over hear.

•••

“i know she has feelings for me tony, but i’m with natasha and y/n isn’t my type at all.” it hurt. that’s a pain you never thought you’d feel. but you can’t show your emotions right now in the open. so you walk in like nothing happened. what are you supposed to say to that.

“oh hey y/n. when did you walk in?” now he’s trying to save his own ass. how nice. but just the sound of his voice makes you wanna break down and cry.

“just walked in captain.” to keep your composer you just grab a water bottle and walk out. you can’t stand the thought of being in here any longer.

“oh well do you wanna hangout and watch a move for old time sake?” he says with that goofy grin he always does when he wants something. you really want to say yes, but you can’t. you just need to go in your room and cry and cry until you can’t because this is the most broken you’ve ever felt.

“not right now cap. i’m pretty tired so goodnight.” you pains your to say it but you can’t hang around him anymore. you just can’t. it would take to much out of you just to make him happy and you can’t do it anymore.

“oh. well goodnight maybe we can hangout tomorrow” probably not you thought. probably never again.

with that you just nod and walk out. you legs don’t move quick enough to get out of that environment. once you get back to your room you can’t open the door fast enough. as soon as your in you slide down the door and cry. cry until your heart is repaired. cry until you can’t anymore.

after of what felt like hours of crying you hear a knock.

“hey y/n. it’s bucky. are you okay in there? i hear crying.” you stand up and wipe your eyes and open the door.

“hey buck” as soon has he looks at you his heart breaks. he’s never seen you so distraught. he’s never seen you cry at all actually. your usually not a crier. but tonight is the exception.

“omg what happened?”

“he’s with natasha” you said with a shrug. there’s not much else to say.

“i am so sorry y/n. i had no idea. if i did i wouldn’t have pushed you” he brings you into a hug. and that’s the last straw and the dam breaks. you cry and cry some more and your sobbing and doing those weird hiccup things you do when you cry to hard.

•••

it’s been a couple days since that whole fiasco and the only thing you got out of this is unrequited love is a bitch. it’s a whole bitch and a half. this pain in your chest is unlike any other. it isn’t like the tile you got shot during a mission. it isn’t like the time you got hit by one of sams wings.

you haven’t talked to steve since that night. it hurt you to much so you asked friday to keep you updated on his whereabouts so you didn’t run into him. youuu go to the gym late at night so you wouldn’t see him. the only good thing that you got out of this is you got closer to bucky. bucky has always been a good friend but now you could safely say he is probably your bestfriend. after wanda. she’d get mad if she heard you say that.

bucky has been there thought out the days of your broken heart. it’s been great having him there for you. but the one time he can’t be you see steve since that night.

as you walked into the kitchen you see him making cereal. you shocked. you asked friday if he was out here and she said no. that little weasel.

“hey y/n. where have you been? i haven’t seen you in a couple days.” what’s are you supposed to say to that? well i have kinda been ignoring you for the last couple days because you broke my heart unintentionally.

“haven’t been feeling well so i’ve stuck to my room to avoid getting anyone else sick.” you lied. straight through your teeth.

“well that’s funny cause i saw bucky go in there quite a few times. so” fuck. fuck. fuck. how the fuck do you get out of this.

“oh well he was just bringing me medicine and stuff. it’s not a big deal” another lie. you just can’t stop the lies from coming. you hate confrontation. so you just try to avoid it as soon as possible.

“oh well why didn’t you ask me? i could’ve helped you and brought you medicine that’s what best friends are for” bestfriends. the word made you wince.

“well he offered and i didn’t want to be a burden so. but i’m gonna go. see ya”

“y/b wait-“ before he could finish it you were already halfway down the hallway. this was no way to heal a broken heart.

•••

the next time you saw him was a couple days later and he was knocking on your door.

“y/n. open the door. i know your in there”

“just a minute.” you didn’t have anything on besides bucky’s t-shirt and panties. you were in your room after all. after finding a pair of sweat pants you open the door.

“hey steve what’s up?”

“well i was hoping we could watch a movie or something since we haven’t hung out in a while..” what the fuck. you thought. you can’t do this. you haven’t even stopped crying yourself to sleep at night. you can’t handle this.

“actually i was about to go to bed and i’m still a little sick wouldn’t want you to get sick”

“cut the bullshit y/n. you know i can’t get sick. why have you been avoiding me?”

“i haven’t been. i told you i was sick. i haven’t been up to hangout with anyone.”

“that’s bullshit because bucky has been in here every night hanging out with you. so what’s your deal?”

“nothing steve! mind your own fucking business.”

“i can’t when soemthing it going on with my bestfriend so please tell me so i can fix it.” running thing is, this was soemthing he couldn’t fix.

“you can’t fix it! so please get the fuck out and leave me alone!!” you were yelling at this point. how come he couldn’t take a hint and leave you alone? this was all to much. next thing you know he’s bathing in your room and closing the door.

“tell me what going on with you! because we used to hangout all the tome every day! and now you can’t even look at me?” of course you can’t. because you love him and he loves someone else.

“because i love you. and u love someone else. so please give me a couple weeks to get over it before we start hanging out again. because i can’t heal my broken heart when your always around. so please can you get the fuck out now?!” you were out of breathe at this point from your monologue. but yet he’s still standing there.

“you don’t thing i’ve known? i see the way you look at me but i choose to ignore it because your my bestfriend besides bucky and i love nat. so why can’t we go back to normal now?” he was seriously pissing you off. why can’t he accept you decision to wait a couple weeks and heal yourself?

“no. i said get the fuck out now. because i can’t deal with this. and if you don’t get out of my room we’re not friends anymore.” this whole situation was exhausting to say the least.

“okay whatever” and with that he left. fianlly you thought. he can’t just expect you to heal over night. like what kind of person does that.

•••

it’s been a couple months and you haven’t talked to steve since that night. you’d gotten over the whole thing fairly. a little bit of you is still heartbroken he didn’t feel the same way. but what can you do.

you’ve been on a couple dates with someone special. actually someone really special. and ou there he was.

“hey bucky” yes bucky was your new someone special. after he helped you get over steve. you realized you had feelings for him.

“hey baby, how’s it going” you both decided not to tell the team yet. and since there was no one around you guys could act like you did in private.

“good good. how do u feel about having a movie night tonight?” you asked as you walked up to him for a kiss.

“what the fucK?!”oh shit. you both just got caught. you whip your head to see who that came from. and guess who it was. mr. captain america himself. “shit” you whispered.

“hey steve. how’s it going?” bucky tried playing it cool. steve really shouldn’t be so mad. he chose someone else when you had feelings for him so.

“what’s going on in here? you going through the whole team?” you couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth. at this moment you decide to channel your inner merideth grey.

“what did u just say to me?” shut was going down. other member of the team heard and were gathering in at this point.

“this is unforgivable. you going after my bestfriend.”

“i don’t remember asking you to forgive me.” this was getting real heated real quick.

“what? you gonna go to wilson now? or maybe stark i heard he sleeps around” a gasp eluded everyone.

“you don’t get to call me a whore. when i met you i thought i had found the person i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i was done. so all the boys and the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? because i was done. you didn’t love me. you chose natasha. i’m all glued back together now. i make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke. you don’t get to call me a whore” and with that you left. you left steve dumbfounded and embarrassed and standing there. you left the rest of the team shocked and surprised at your outburst. you’d never been that blunt before to anyone.

bucky follow you after you left.

“hey, you okay baby?” he was always so sweet to you.

“yea i’m okay. it feels good to get that off of my chest.” you laughed. it did actually feel like you got a weight lifted of your shoulders.

you finally felt happy. with bucky and with everything. so you were good.

[lanyard09]

Been a bit

so yeah. hi everyone! i’m sure you see me posting or reblogging quite a bit but never anything worthy of sticking around. Some updates are kinda in order i guess. i got moved into my first house. i'm a homeowner now! yay! it's been hectic with work. we've had a turn around of 5 people in the span of 4 months. so i've been stuck covering shifts and working overtime. money is money but sometimes you just need a reset. 

as got for rping. i'm here just not as much until the new year. energy is low and i know some people can find some solidarity in that sentiment.

as for my boys...i am the mun of some turtle blogs that have been soooo dormant and i need to revive them but again that's for the new year. i have fianlly have set, my own computer room, i can actually hang out more and have some fun without parents setting limits. back to the boys. i will revive them shortly after the new year and hope to rebuild bridges and start getting a bit more serious with them.

as for this blog, of course im open to rping and guys i miss it. really i do. i miss everyone. i miss the old fandom that i started here on. i know sometimes those who aren't around for big things tend to be forgotten but i hope there are some people who remember me! but yeah.

also if we have any threads and you wish to pick them back up with me, please let me know. i know the ned of the year gets busy but we can work something out! :)

i know there's also a few fics that have been left in the wind and i will catch them and finishing them here soon, i promise. 

Lanyard09 signing off. thanks for reading the update!

[mylutteoheart]

Playing Cupid

After forever, I have an update. I keep telling myself to get better at time management but I never end up trying to improve so updates take apparently months for me

Chapter 1: Coming Up With The Plan

Prologue | other fics

After a long day at the rink because of training the new Roller team, Luna comes home to her fiancé who she's lived with ever since they both got their degrees. He was cooking dinner after all the times she's done it.

She walks inside the house, a delicious smell filling the house. She followed this scent to the kitchen and saw Matteo cooking away at the stove.

"What are we eating?" was the first thing she asked before she went over to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

He wasn't happy with this though so he turned his face towards her and gave her a lingering kiss on the lips. This made her smile.

After a while of staring at each other, he answers: "Pasta a la pesto, your favorite Italian food."

"Can I help you with something?" she asked.

"No, I just finished it but you can set the table if you want." he gestures towards the plates and utensils that were already set on the counter top. Silently, they got everything ready for dinner and took their usual spots at the kitchen table.

During dinner, they talked about each other's days and teased each other just like any other day. Luna did feel as if Matteo wanted to tell her somethin because every time they were eating in silence, he glanced back at her, a questioning look on his face and it made her nervous.

"Okay, Matteo, what is going on? You've been acting strange." she couldn't take it anymore and looked at him expectantly.

"I...uhm... I actually wanted to talk to you about our wedding." he seemed nervous asking this.

Luna laughed a little at his behaviour. "You don't have to be nervous about it, I've actually been meanning to talk to you about it."

Matteo couldn't help but smile at this. "Really?"

"Yes but what exactly did you want to talk about?" she frowned, she had no idea what exactly he wanted to discuss.

"You see, we've been engaged for a little over a week now and we've told everyone about it already and I was actually wondering when you wanted to start planning for it? I mean we didn't exactly talk about when exactly we wanted to get married." he ranted but it was true, they have told everyone about the wedding and everyone was ecstatic to hear it but they never actually talked about the real wedding before.

"Well, I would like to get married as soon as possible if that's what you want as well." She bit her lip in a nervous gesture.

"I'd really like that too but that means we have to plan as soon as possible. This event needs to be memorable for the both of us." he says excitedly.

"Something tells me, you're more excited about this wedding than I am." she chuckles.

"I've been planning this proposal for months, of course I'm excited to finally tie the knot with you."

"Okay, well, chico fresa, I don't have anything to do tomorrow so why don't we start then?"

"I have rehearsal in the morning but I have all the time in the world in the afternoon." he checks his agenda on his phone to double check.

"We'll discuss everything tomorrow then, right now I'm too tired to talk about it." she let out a small yawn.

"I'll do the dishes, why don't you rest on the couch, I'll join in half an hour." he tells her.

She didn't need to be told twice as she makes her way to the living room, settling down on the couch and putting on the tv.

Soon after, Matteo joined her.  They watched the tv silently but Matteo wasn't paying much attention to the show that was playing. He looked at the ring on her left ring finger and he couldn't hold back the smile that was appearing on his face. He absentmindedly played with the ring and Luna didn't seem to notice since she was slowly drifting to sleep. He was overjoyed about the fact that he fianlly got to marry her soon, he's been waiting for that moment a while now and he couldn't wait for it to come.

After he felt that he was getting tired too, he turned off the tv and stood up, gathering her in his arms bridal style. He carried her up to their bedroom and took off her shoes, then tucked her into bed. He also got ready to climb in next to her. He  put an arm around her waist while she automatically rests her head on his chest. He fell asleep, excited about the next day because they were finally making plans to make their wedding perfect.

Luna woke up to an empty bed, she was confused at firston how she ended up in their bedroom and she was wondering where Matteo went. With sleep still in her eyes, she decided to go downstairs to see what's going on.

She didn't see him anywhere but then she saw the note on the fridge and went to read it, it said: 'Had to go to rehearsal earlier, will be back by noon. Breakfast is in the fridge. -Your chico fresa.' She couldn't hold back the smile. He was always this sweet ever since they moved in together.

She opened the fridge and saw that he made pancakes and on top of the first one, there was whipped cream and strawberries that formed a face that winks. She couldn't help but laugh at the joke behind this face.

The rest of the morning, she spent cleaning the house, they never wanted any help around because they wanted to take care of the house all on their own, neither of them minded.

She was eating a sandwich when the front door suddenly opened and she saw Matteo walking to the counter where she was sat at on of the stools.

"Hello, chica delivery." he greeted her with a small peck on the lips.

"Hi, how was rehearsal?" she asked.

"It was great, I did miss you though." he said casually but this made butterflies erupt inside Luna's stomach.

He made a sandwich of his own and sat down next to his fiancé. "Are you excited for today?"

"Yeah, I am. So what do you want to discuss first?"

"Straight to the point, I see." he smiles his typical chico fresa smile.

She just laughed in response.

"I've been thinking about who my best man should be." he sarted after a moment of silence; She looked at him curiously, waiting for him to continue. "I talked to Gastón and told him about the wedding. He's always been my best friend, even when he left to study at Oxford but he's coming back permanently now and I was thinking to ask him to be my best man."

"That's great, he's your best friend so that's a logical thing to do." she agrees.

"I haven't asked him yet though." he answered and she frowned in confusion. He notived and elaborated: "It's just that I know you want to ask Nina to be your maid of honour and I'm not sure whether they'll like walking down the aisle together."

Luna thinks about this for a moment but eventually said: "I think you should ask him, he is your best friend after all, they'll understand." she pauses for a moment. "I have to say, I don't think Nina will be too thrilled about the idea. She might not say it but even after all this time, I still see that she's in love with him. She might be with Eric for a while now but I don't think her feelings for him ever faded."

"Yeah, he won't be too happy either. He hasn't had a girlfriend since Nina and he still keeps asking how she's doing whenever we talk. I don't think he's over her either."

They pondered on this for a while, but then both their faces light up and they looked at each other.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" they asked in unison.

They smiled at each other and said at the same time: "We should use the wedding as a way to get them back together." their faces light up with mischief.

I guess it's time that they both start Playing Cupid for Nina and Gastón.

[endlessbrokenthoughts]

/Blinded Love\

Kim Woojin🐻

There was times like these that you loved you best friend Woojin too much. Your shift had just ended and let me tell you ther ain had not stopped ever since you walked out, but as you were reaching down to close the shutter of the shop your phone dinged.

Woojin🐻: Stay where you are i’ll collect you <3

you laugh at the use of emojis Woojin used. For a man who had a wealthy family and kept up with the latest use of i phones he still never knew how to use the emoji keyboard.

After a quick reply back saying a thank you and okay, you stood there. The passing sounds of cars and the night lights blurred your vision, it was peaceful.

“Get in loser” You heard Woojin shout over the pouring rain, smiling over at you, you pull your hoodie over your head and ran to the car too which woojin was pushing the door open for you as he leaned across the passengers side.

“Oh Woojin thank you so much!” You beam at him as you shake your head a bit before glancing over at him.

“Tha’ts what besties are for am i right?” He laughs and starts back up the car and before you know it your driving off.

That’s right. Best friends. That’s what ye were. Ever since he helped you pick up your barbies that those mean girls threw away 18 years ago.

You give a small laugh, not knowing what to do in this situation. Because the love of your life was simply blinded by your love towards him.

. . . . 

“Well did you tell him yet?” Chan had chirped behind you as his hands made their way around your shoulders. Closing your locker with a sigh Chans face fell. Every Monday this happened, Chan would come up and ask if you told Woojin your undying love for him but you always chickened out.

“No Chan” You sigh as your grip your books harder to your chest.

“Honeslty Y/N if you dont tell Woojin then im going to te-” But Chans quickly quite as your hand covers his mouth.

“Did you just lick my hand?”You throw a hand at him as you wipe the aplm of your hand off his jumper.

“Im not letting this go y/n, im going to science ill see you at lunch.” He gives you a quick high five before hes running through the crowd of students who were also pushing and shoving.

. . . . . . 

After your four periods of classes its fianlly time for lunch were you sat with all the boys, closing your locker door after getting your books, your heart jumps out of your chest as woojin stands there leaning aganist another locker enxt to yours, just like always a bright smile is on his face.

“Well hello there” Woojin says as he throws a hand over your shoulder and oushing you into his chest, you quickly blush at the sudden contact between you and Wooojin but its gone just as fast as it came.

“im sooooo hungry” He says as he practially drags you to the cafertiera, maybe i should tell him today? 

Wait maybe not its a school day?

“Woojin slow down your legs are too long” You complain as your school bag falls off your shoulder. He laughs at your clusmyness but is quick to help you with your books that youw ere holding in your arms.

“No Seungmin there my pokemon cards give them back to me!” Felix cries out as you sit down ext to him, his hands flying everywehre are he gives out to Seungmin who seems to be unbothered just sitting there casually drinking his boba drink.

“Okay and I told you I dont know where they are” Seungmin replys back. Felix groans his head falling onto your shoudler.

“Ahh Y/n noona hes so mean give out to him.” Felix says as he picks up his banna milk.

“Seungmin buys Felix new pokemon cards” You say to the unbothered boy across from you.

“No”

“yes”

“N-”

“Okay felix during the weekend we can go out and Ill buy you knew pokemon cards oaky” You give the boy a sweet smile in which he yells out a quick yes of happnies.

“Y/N you want anything?” Woojin says as he points to the line at the top of the cafertia.

“Ehmmm surpirse me” You sweetly say, a smile grows on Woojins face as he practailly skips over to the line with other students.

“Your literally eye raping him” Chan eye rolls as he sits down across from Felix.

“Dont roll your eyes at me Christopher” You argue to him as he just laughs before taking a bite into his sandwich.

After a couple of minutes of the boys fighting playfully and occisoanl jokes Woojin finally takes a place next to you. Handing you your y/f/f and a carton of strawberry milk (or at kind I’m sorry).

“Thank you woojinnie” you say as you give him a quick side hug, somehow when you turned back to talk to the boys Woojin was frozen In his space from the small interaction that somehow warmed his heart.

Your conversation with Hyunjin ended ye we’re talking about that science test you took last Friday and how you did so bad in it. Turning your head your eyebrows furrow as you look at Woojin.

A prominent frown settled on his face, eyes glaring at the screen below him. He seemed pissed.

“You okay?” You whisper over to him as the rest of the table went on with there talking. Leaning over to him you notice that someone seemed to be sending a very angry message as everything was in capital letters.

Woojin looks up quickly and his phone was quickly shoved into his back pocket. You frown at this. Since when was Woojin secretive.

“So woojin hows Irene?” Jisung chirps in, taking a big bite of his rice, the whole table falls quite as everyone stares at eachother.

Irene?

Who the hell was irene?

“U-uh” Woojin stutters as he looks over at you, his heart broke as he seen your face you looked so heartbroken.

Everything was too loud, the thumping sound of your heart being the only thing you could hear at that moment.

Chan’s quick to notice and comes up with an excuse for you to leave.

“Hey remeber that project we have yeah let’s go now!” He starts and before you know it your being dragged out of the cafeteria your eyes still on Woojin.

He has a girlfriend?

. . . .

Days have passed since you last seen anyone. Days since you last texted Woojin but definitely not since he texted you.

‘Are you okay’

‘Why aren’t you talking to me’

‘Did I do something’

Yes you broke my heart. But you clearly didn’t reply to them.

‘Why are you acting as if we’re in a relationship.’ Sent at 02:35am

That one had got you, you always taught Woojin had at least an idea of the fact you loved him. But at this point you knew this boy was absolutely blinded.

Knock! Knock!

Growing you roll off your bed before throwing a jumper over your head and making your way to the front door.

Your hand turns the knob of the door before it’s rudely pushed open and in walks Woojin.

“Listen I don’t know what your problem is but talk to me! Please” He angrily says as he runs his hands through his messy hair making it even messier.

“I don’t kno-“ you start but your startled once Woojin kicks the side of the couch placed on the left of him, you jump at the sudden action completely taking back by everything that’s happening.

“Your in love with Chan aren’t you?” He says

You almost laugh at him.

“What no woojin?” You shake your head at the thought.

“THEN WHAT IS IT, DONT YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE?” His voice raises again as he seems to get no answer from you.

“No woojin I don’t want to be your friend an-“

“WHY Y/N GOVE ME A GOOOD EXPLA-“

"CANT U SEE IT WOOJIN" I shouted at him my eyes tearing up, woojins eyes widned at me as i shouted at him clearly taken back.

"CANT U SEE THAT IM IN LOVE WITH YOU"

There’s silence.

"for so, so long your my best friend, and you always read me so well but for once your blinded by this,over and over you chose someone else over me when im the one who truley cares for you “ You look down at the wooden floor beneath yo

"you have no idea how many troubles I went through just because I simply can’t shake off the fact I love you. Yet you talk about your newest hookup to me contanslty, I’m always with Chan because he encourages me to tell you how I feel. Don’t you see how i hesitate everytime you ask me who I like, its because it was always you Woojin, i never liked Chan or that guy Soobin who asked me to formal I only told you taught so i could put your mind on ease. I was always so tempted to tell you, but i know you dont care you never will. You never did.” You finish

I look up at Woojin, tears flowing out of my eyes but as my eyes met his,his face said enough about your confession and he simply left.

You stood there in disbelief, your front door being slammed shut cut you out of your day dreaming. Woojin just walked out after you confessed to him. Because it was simply the only thing he was good at.

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.