#female pain is always being exploited on this show and it breaks my heart

[baby-girl-aaron-dessner]

Helaena having a panic attack after being forced to publicly expose her grief…Rhaenyra as a grown woman admitting that she never completely trusted her groomer/abuser…Alicent accepting that her and her daughter are nothing but pawns to be used by men who benefit from their pain and grief…“I have been a piece that you moved about the board.”

My heart will always be with the women of this show.

[toastnpretzels]

Ptolemaea

relationships: albert wesker x reader

masterlist

word count: 3,963

warnings: 18+ minors dni, oral sex, smut, female reader, no happy ending (sorry), angst (im a slut for angst)

author's note: i posted this on ao3 last night while running on pure exhaustion so i didnt proofread this. i also wrote most of this while sitting in my ethics class lol. i took a long break from the star wars fandom altogether, but im not attempting to bring myself back by rewatching the bad batch (im in agony). expect some clone writing to be back very soon.

also sorry if you feel like this may be ooc for wesker, it definitely is but its how i wanted to write it. timeline is probably off as well.

thank you for any likes, comments, or reblogs. i love seeing them <3

"Albert... please."

"No. You had your chance to run. This is it for you."

He grabs you by the throat, lifting you into the air. Your last breath is going to be stolen from a man you once called a friend. A man that was once your lover.

Grasping at his wrists, tears streaming down your face, you can feel your head getting fuzzy.

For a brief moment, there's a look in his eyes that says that he might let go, a smaller glimmer of the love he has for you. You pass out believing that you are dead, believing that he did not love you anymore.

A long time had passed since the days of S.T.A.R.S. The BSAA had been set on finding Wesker and anything left of Umbrella. After all of the pain he had caused, he needed to be stopped. Chris, Jill, and yourself had been looking for him for quite some time. You tried not to get too involved, knowing it would only cause you pain.

When you had met Wesker, you thought he didn't like you. Wesker was someone that always came off as cold and uncaring, but somewhere deep down he did have a heart. He rarely showed it, knowing that people would only see it as a way to exploit him. It didn't take very long after your first day at S.T.A.R.S. for Wesker to make a move on you. Looking back on it now, you are surprised he even did. He couldn't help himself. There was something about you that made him bend his own rules. He chose not to see anyone, knowing he wouldn't have time anyway with half of his time being dedicated by Umbrella and the other half dedicated to S.T.A.R.S. Caring for someone other than himself also gave himself another weakness, which he couldn't afford. Which is exactly why he suggested to keep it casual between you both. Something mutually beneficial. You knew it was a bad idea, that things like this only go wrong, but you agreed anyway. Wesker was attractive and you were lonely. What you didn't expect is just how much you would end up feeling for him, and just how much he would end up hurting you.

Everyone had suspected something was going on between you and the captain, but no one had any proof. Wesker didn't want anyone to know. Neither did you, honestly. It was bad enough that you were fucking your boss, it would have been much worse if everyone knew as well. They caught glimpses of conversations that seemed too personal for work, or small arguments that should have never even happened in the workplace. They never saw you two touch. That was kept only for in private. Whatever the team saw had only scratched the surface.

You couldn't call whatever was going on between you and Wesker a relationship. It had never progressed passed casual sex. There was no commitment between you two, at least not vocally. Wesker knew you were fully committed to him, but he was committed to Umbrella. He couldn't let go of that. He knew that if you were in a relationship, you would inevitably find out about his involvement with Umbrella. You were smart enough to figure it out, but he didn't want to risk that. Not that soon at least. It eventually came out anyway. You were there when the Arklay Mansion incident happened. Wesker had tried to make you stay at the station, but he knew it would draw even more red flags if he had forced you to. You wished you had stayed.

For months after, you had felt like Wesker had played you. It felt like you were just some part of his bigger plan. That's why he would never commit, he didn't truly care about you. You were just a means to an end. You still felt like somewhere down the line, you and him were friends. Nonetheless, the betrayal of the entirety of S.T.A.R.S. weighed heavily on you. He had betrayed everyone, people that thought they were his friends. You went to his memorial. Even though he had betrayed everyone, you still cared about him. He was dead. Or so you thought.

After Chris went to Europe, you quit police work altogether. It felt hard to trust anyone in Racoon City anymore. You didn't trust most of the people at the police station anymore, so the only option was to leave. It was then that you decided that moving out of the country might be a good idea. Amsterdam had always been a dream of yours, so why not make it a reality now. It was good you had left when you did, you just wish some of the others had left at the same time as you. Seeing what they had done to Racoon City a month after you had left had left an even bigger hole in your heart.

It took a little while to get fully acclimated in Amsterdam. It took a lot of time to attempt to heal the mental wounds Racoon City had left on you. You had cut contact with everyone from there. You had wanted to get your life back on track instead of dwelling on the past. The destruction of Racoon City was what made Amsterdam permanent. Chris and Jill were the only ones that knew you were there. Although you had cut contact with them for the sake of your mental health, you still sent them updates once in a while and vice versa. That's how you found out that Wesker was alive. It had hit you head on when you read the email from Chris. You didn't leave your house for almost a week. The same man whose memorial you had went to was alive this entire time. You had mourned someone who wasn't even really dead.

It had been almost 10 years since you had stepped foot in Racoon City when he showed up.

It was no shock how he found you. Wesker might have been one of the most intelligent people you knew. He knew this was your dream. He knew you all too well.

It was almost 3 am when he showed up. You had just fallen asleep. It was never easy to sleep after everything that had happened. Your house alarm was what woke you up. Just as soon as it had started, it had stopped. Still groggy from sleep, you weren't even fully sure if you had actually heard it or if was just a hallucination. Nonetheless, you reached for the gun tucked under your bed frame, just in case someone did decide to break in. Even though you had quit police work, you still tried to keep up with the training you were doing before your departure, just in case. Still in sleep shorts and a shirt, you stood behind the door and listened to see if you could hear anyone rummaging around your stuff. When no noises came, you slowly opened the door, trying to make the least amount of sound possible. You slowly walked out of the bedroom, making your way to the living room, gun still at the ready. Coming around the corner, your heart sank.

There was no way he was here.

Standing at the fireplace, Wesker observed the framed pictures on the mantle. Some were of family or friends. There was one of the entirety of S.T.A.R.S. The one that caught his eye was one of you and him, one you had taken a few days prior to the mansion incident. You both looked happy. Wesker didn't want to take a photo, telling you that it was stupid and we were sure to get caught if you carried it around, but after badgering him for so long about it, he gave in. What you didn't know was that Wesker took that photo with him everywhere, even to this day. He picked up the frame and continued to look at it.

"Albert," you whispered. He didn't turn around, but you knew he heard you.

He looked different, but also the same. He looked slightly taller and more muscular, but he also still looked like the same person he was 10 years ago. The differences were so small that you're not sure Chris or Jill would even recognize them.

"You need to leave," you said when he still hadn't turned to face you.

After almost another minute of silence, he turned around. You didn't expect the pit in your stomach to grow bigger. He had to have known how much this was hurting you.

"You look good," he said with a slight smirk on his face. "You have really built a life for yourself here."

There was a pain in your heart that only he could cause. He was tearing open a wound that you had long worked to heal. All it took was a few words for it all to come crashing down again like it had so many years ago. Sadness and fear plagued your heart, but so did the love you once felt for him.

"Are you going to kill me?" you whispered.

His lip quirked up. He thought this was funny. Of course he did.

He turned back around to put the photo back on the mantle. "No."

You felt some weight lifted off of you. You walked towards him slowly, afraid that at any moment he would change his mind. You had seen what he had done to others, you weren't so sure you could even trust his word anymore. You stopped about a foot away from him.

"Albert, why are you here?"

This was all starting to feel like a dream. A nightmare really. He kept looking at the photo of you and him.

"I am not sure," he whispered. It wasn't like him to do something on a whim. You knew he had a reason to be here. But you also know he isn't good at talking about his feelings.

He touched the photo frame one last time before turning. "Why did you keep this?"

He could read you like a book. You didn't need to answer, he already knew the real reason. It was like he still knew everything about you, like it had only been a few days since you had last seen him instead of a few years. He reached towards your wrist. You knew that you shouldn't let him touch you, but your heart craved his touch. The same hands that had caused so much destruction. You couldn't find it within yourself to make him stop.

"I have found myself wanting to see you every day since our last," he said. This was new for him to be so vulnerable. "I have missed you," he whispered. You could see the fear of rejection present in his eyes. Something was wrong. This wasn't the same person you had known all those years ago. This was someone who was pleading with you to see him. He had never once admitted to missing you before, so why now?

He rubbed his thumb over your wrist. You're sure he can feel how fast your heart is beating.

"Come with me."

Those three words had shattered you. If he would have asked years ago, before his betrayal, you would've gone anywhere with him. But now, you aren't sure you know who he is. Albert was never emotionally vulnerable; he kept his deepest feelings close to him. You weren't even in an official relationship with him. Your feelings were real the whole time, he knew this. But never once did he admit to his own. Not until now. But is it too late?

You turn around, making him drop your wrist. It's getting hard to hold in your tears.

"You can't do this." Your voice is soft. You know tears are about to fall. It feels like the same heart break he had caused with his betrayal.

He puts his hand on your shoulder. He turns you around so he can see you. He brings his hands up to wipe the tears from your eyes, tugging at the strings that you thought had long ago been severed. You lean into him. Your heart is begging for him, but your brain is telling you to run. Your brain is losing this battle. Your lips touch his in what your brain deems a moment of weakness. His lips are surprisingly soft. He brings his hand to cup your head, your hands reaching towards his perfect hair. It feels like all of your pent-up emotions are being released into this singular kiss. The kiss gets more heated, both of you having waited so long to feel each other again, even when your brain is telling you it is wrong.

His hands move down to your hips, grasping hard as if to make sure you were actually there. He reaches down further past your ass to lift you. Your brain is screaming for him to put you down, that he is only going to leave you a heartbroken mess, but you don't care anymore. He lifts you with ease, carrying you towards your bedroom, his lips not leaving you once.

He sets you down softly on the bed, reaching to take off his jacket and shirt. He removes his sunglasses, knowing you can’t see his eyes in this lighting. He’s sure all of this would stop if you got one real good look at him.

He definitely was more muscular than before. He looked so different, yet still the same. He throws his clothes on the floor, then reaches for your own shirt. His fingers trail your stomach, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Your body feels like it is on fire. He pulls your shirt over your head, throwing it towards his own clothes. He leans down to kiss you again, letting his hands map out your body once again. It's as if he is relearning all the curves to your body.

You wrap your legs around his waist, hands tangling in his hair once again. He breaks away to kiss at your neck, gently sucking and biting. You reach down towards his belt, attempting to loosen it, but ultimately failing when he bites down harder than you expect. You let out a soft moan at this, causing him to sit up.

"I didn't think I would ever hear that again," he says with a smirk on his face, "don't hold back on me."

He takes off his belt for you, adjusting to pull his pants off. He is immediately back on you, kissing down your stomach. His hands grasp at your exposed thighs, kneading the skin. He leaves a kiss on each thigh before hooking his fingers in the waistband of your shorts and panties. He pulls them down slowly, watching your every reaction. You whine at how slowly he's moving. He throws them with the rest of the clothes in the room without looking away once.

He leaves a kiss on your inner thighs, spreading them slowly and lightly blowing air on your folds.

"Albert, please," you whine. Your body is begging for him to do anything. You'll take anything he is willing to give you at this point.

He chuckles slightly. "Only because you asked so nicely."

He kisses your clit before bringing his tongue out to lick slowly through your folds. It seems to possess him because after one taste he can't hold back anymore. His tongue swirls through your aching folds, getting wetter at every movement from him. You reach down to tangle your hands in his hair, messing up his pristine hair style. You grind yourself into his face, feeling yourself get closer. He grabs at your thighs hard likely leaving bruises for you to discover in the morning. He can tell you are getting close by how hard you are pulling his hair. He groans into you, the vibrations almost sending you over the edge. One of his fingers prods at your weeping hole, pushing in half way only for him to pull it back out. By now you’re a whining mess, begging him for more, but he wants to savor this for as long as possible.

He pulls away from your pussy, replacing his tongue with his fingers rubbing over your clit. He looks up at you, seeing your head snap up at the loss of his tongue. He rubs slower, making you whine a plead more, before stopping all together.

"Your first orgasm of the night is going to be on my cock," he says as he leans back down to kiss you.

You grab at his back, his neck, anywhere you can get your hands on. You are desperate to feel him after all these years. You reach for his boxers, pulling them down as far as you can in this position. You reach for his cock, rubbing your thumb over his leaking tip. He groans into the kiss, biting down onto your lip. He releases your mouth to help you get his boxers all the way off. He leans back down to suck at your neck, seeing the marks he had already left. You twist his cock slowly, trying to tease him the same way he had to you, but you aren't sure you will be able to wait.

He reaches down to your hand to stop you, grabbing his cock and sliding it against your clit. You're so wet that it glides across with ease. He repeats this a few times before letting it slip down to your aching hole. He slides the tip inside and leaves it, sitting up on his knees. It takes everything in him not to slam into you and fuck you into oblivion, but he wants to savor this. He needs to feel everything. It had been too long.

"You feel so good," he says with a strained voice. He continues to push inside, feeling you squeeze him like a vice with each inch. Once he is fully seated inside you, he leans back down to suck on one of your nipples. You let out soft moans while you adjust to his length. He switches to your other breast, letting his hand knead the other, pinching at your nipple. He feels you clamp down hard.

Deciding he had waited long enough, he moves up to kiss you again, pulling himself almost all the way out before slamming back in. You moan into his mouth. He sets a fast pace, trying to make up for lost time. Your nails grip into his back, causing him to let out a moan, only adding to the wetness that he had already created. It gets hard to kiss him, your mouths not being able to keep up with each other with the pleasure you're both feeling. He leans up slightly to look in your eyes, finding the love he had once felt from you. Your hands grab at his shoulders, holding on tight as if to not lose him. His hand comes down to rub at your clit. He knows he is close; he can feel you are too from how tight your walls are gripping him.

"Please cum for me," he begs. You've never heard him beg for anything in his life.

Your body shakes at his words, just hearing him bringing you over the edge. You squeeze him in ripples, nails digging into his shoulders. Feeling your walls squeeze him cause him to let go, pouring himself into you. You are both spent, left panting with him on top of you. He leans down to kiss you again, silencing the fight between your brain and heart. You had decided to let your heart win for the night.

He pulls himself out slowly, his cum dribbling out of you. He gets up and runs to the bathroom quickly to get something to clean you up. He comes back with water and a warm wash cloth, helping you sit up. He wipes you down softly, making sure not to cause you anymore overstimulation. He makes sure you drink enough water before taking a sip himself and setting it down on the nightstand next to your bed.

He gets into bed next to you, pulling the blankets over you both. He wraps himself around you, the feeling of his bare skin on yours bringing warmth to your heart.

"Albert," you whisper, not sure what you want to say, but knowing that a discussion needed to be had.

He pushes your hair behind your ear and kisses the side of your neck.

"Shh. Just sleep. We can talk in the morning."

He wraps his arms around you tighter. Your brain is quiet, shutting down all the questions and anxiety about what is next. It is quiet for a while before you fall asleep.

"I still love you. I never stopped."

There was no discussion in the morning. He was gone. No note, no message. You waited days to see if he would come back. He never did. A month later, you got a call from Chris explaining what had happened to Jill. You didn't believe she was dead. You wanted to find her, but more importantly you wanted to find Wesker. He had done all of that before showing up at your home. You didn't tell Chris that you had seen him, but you did tell him that you would help him in any way possible. For the next three years you looked for any kind of lead on him, most of them coming up short. It wasn't until Africa that you had found something that had actually led to him.

Chris, Sheva, and yourself had found Jill and Wesker. Wesker tried to avoid attacking you personally, but that didn't stop Jill. You were already weak from her hits when you had attacked him. He knocks you to the ground, causing the air to rush from your lungs. He drags you toward him, lifting you by the throat, crushing your windpipe.

"Albert... please."

"No. You had your chance to run. This is it for you."

Your last breath is going to be stolen from a man you once called a friend. A man that was once your lover.

Grasping at his wrists, tears streaming down your face, you can feel your head getting fuzzy.

For a brief moment, there's a look in his eyes that says that he might let go, a smaller glimmer of the love he has for you.

You pass out believing that you are dead, believing that he did not love you anymore.

You wake up on the helicopter with Jill next to you. Everyone is silent. Your head is pounding. Jill hands you water, allowing you to sit up from where you were laying on her lap. You can feel how bruised your neck is and how hard it is to breathe.

The memories of what had happened prior to you passing out come rushing back. It hurts your heart to even think of him, to think of that night. How you believed that all of those whispered promises of love might have been a lie.

He could have killed you, but he didn’t. He couldn’t, not when he still loved you. He never lied, but he couldn’t stay either. It takes a while for you to realize this.

"Where is he?" You attempt to force the words out, but it hurts so badly.

Chris and Jill look at each other for a moment. Neither of them spoke, but you could tell what had happened. You could see it in Chris' eyes. Wesker was gone.

[angel-tries-to-write]

New life from the darkness: Take your chance

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan Rating: Teen and up Pairing: Armin Arlert x Annie Leonhart Word count: 2626 Genre: fluff, humor, angst

Did I say “all my ships are happy and alive”? Whoops, I didn’t expect to fall into Jeanmarco pit, sorry not sorry.

Despite everything that happened in his life, Armin considered himself lucky. He managed to survive this long, he finished his training with a pretty good score, he had amazing friends whom he could count on, even in the worst moments, and he earned a really good reputation. The only thing he wasn't that lucky at, was his love life. Looking at his best friends, madly in love with each other, first was annoying, then heartbreaking, then amusing and finally depressing. At first he was so done with their pathetic attempts at trying to get closer without actually giving away their feelings, then he had to watch them hurt each other and themselves, while trying to protect the other one, then finally when they become a couple, he was just happy at their happiness, but as the time was passing, he was feeling jealous and very sad, because it made him thinking about his own feelings for a certain someone. He wasn't sure if she was feeling about him the same way he felt for her, and that uncertainty was killing him. For days he was wondering how to tell her about his feelings, only getting frustrated when every plan he would come up with, seemed pathetic. He was working, completely lost in thoughts, desperately trying to figure it out.

“Armin” Levi spoke suddenly, bringing the young man to the ground. He looked at the captain, who had to sit on his wheelchair, much to his displeasure. Walking, even with the cane, really exploited his knee, so he had to give it a break.

“Y-yes, captain?” Armin asked, only to see his superior gesturing at him to come closer.

“Do us all a favor, ask her out and actually talk to her, would you?” Levi said bluntly, making Armin pale then blush furiously.

“I-I don't... um... who?” he stuttered and his voice jumped higher for a good octave.

“Don't play dumb, Arlert, you know what I mean” the captain deadpanned with an exasperated sigh. “Since Eren and Mikasa broke fraternization rules anyway, there's no point in trying to pretend we care about that stuff. And if that would help you stop being so distracted, go and get the girl. But after your job is done, so go back to work.”

Armin was too shocked to even say something, he just lowered his head and obediently got back to work. He knew Levi was right, that he should gather his courage and confess his feelings, but at the same time he felt absolutely terrified to do so. He was almost convinced she doesn't feel the same way and she would hate him if he told her the truth. He was so lost in his thoughts that he ran into the blonde girl and noticed her only after she crashed against his chest.

“Annie! Oh, no!” he said mortified. “I'm sorry, I—”

“It's fine” she gave him a small smile and he instantly forgot all his thoughts, lost in her smile.

“Annie... I was going to ask... Would you like to... um... take a walk with me after work?” Armin heard himself say, before he could realize what he was going to do and stop in time. But to his surprise, her eyes lightened up in a way he'd never seen her before.

“Yes, with pleasure” she answered and Armin looked at her with shock, not really believing what happened. “See you later, then?”

“Y-yes. See you” he answered and looked at her go back to work. He was sure he would scream about it later. Meanwhile he got his mind occupied with work, to the point he didn't notice Jean and almost walked into him.

“Watch out, man!” he yelled and Armin jumped out of his way.

“Sorry. I was a little distracted” he apologized sheepishly.

“You're lucky captain is busy, once he realizes you're not working, he won't be happy” Jean stated, looking at Levi, who was explaining something to Connie and Sasha.

“It's not my fault, I only followed his advice.”

“Which was...?”

“To ask Annie out.”

“And?”

“She said yes.”

“Wow, congratulations, man, it's about time” Jean smiled, but his face wasn't as happy as it should be. Armin could see pain in his eyes. “Good luck then” he said and walked away.

Once they finished their job, Annie approached Armin first, before he could even think about it.

“You ready?” she asked and he looked at her with wide eyes.

“I mean... you want to go now? I thought we could... I don't know... take a bath?” he said hesitantly, trying not to panic.

“If we go now, we can watch the sunset. We will miss it if we wait. Besides, we've been through too much that a little sweat could stop us from having a good time” she said and he knew she was right.

They walked for a couple of minutes in awkward silence. Annie lead the way, even though Armin probably could do that on his own, it's not like this area was completely unknown to him. But she knew it better, after all it was her, Mikasa and Sasha who were responsible for the recon. She lead him then to a quite pretty meadow, that would be a deadly place not that long ago. Open area, distant from any support, a perfect place to be an easy target for titans. But thanks to their hard work and many sacrifices, there were no titans anymore. They didn't have to worry about anything, they could just sit down and relax, watching the sunset. Even though Armin hardly watched the sky, all his focus was on Annie.

“You know... I brought you here, because I kind of wanted to hang out without anyone else. Just the two of us in a beautiful place” she spoke, looking at the sky.

“It's a beautiful place indeed. But not as beautiful as you” he said and she turned her face to him, surprised by his words. “Annie... There's something I want to tell you. It might be unexpected, but I don't want you to get scared or hate me for that. I just feel I can't hold it anymore, I have to say it. Annie, I... I just... I love you.”

Armin couldn't bring himself to keep the eye contact after his confession, especially in silence that was between them. He closed his eyes, convinced he ruined everything and he was ready to cry and run away, when he heard her laugh. Annie was laughing, sweetly and honestly. He lifted his eyes at her to admire her beautiful face, completely lost in her features. She looked happy and... relieved?

“Armin” the way she pronounced his name made his heart stop. He'd never heard anyone say it like this. Anyone but her. “You really need to stop overeanalyzing everything and worrying in advance” she said and he couldn't help but remember how many years ago she spoke to him in a similar way, when he confronted her about being Female Titan. This time however he felt no mockery in her tone, just warmth and affection. “Although I guess we both are guilty of this” she gently placed her hand on his cheek and caressed it. “Because I was always too scared to simply admit that I love you too” she confessed finally and he just stared at her speechless. She leaned closer and placed a soft kiss on his lips, but before she could pull away, Armin held her close and kissed her back, just with more passion. When they broke the kiss, he laughed with relief too.

“I feel stupid. I was so scared about your reaction that it never crossed my mind that you can actually feel the same way I do” he said, his eyes were shining in a way she never saw them before. He was clearly incredibly happy and it was her turn to just stare at him for a while, lost in his beauty.

“You know, I've never properly thanked you” she spoke suddenly.

“For what?”

“For believing in me. Even when — especially when — I wasn't believing in myself. When I thought I had no choice or no other future, you showed up and broke all of my walls I've built through all the years. Thank you, Armin, for seeing the good in me, even when I thought there wasn't any” she said, her voice expressing deep gratefulness.

“You just needed to be reminded of all the good in you, I didn't do anything exceptional” he protested shyly.

“I know. But just because you were there for me and just because you did remind me of that good... it made me realize that you're the one I would share my life with” she blushed slightly. “I mean... I knew that before. I just made sure then.”

“Before? For how long exactly you have feelings for me?” Armin asked, realizing something.

“And you?”

“I asked first.”

“Alright, but don't laugh. Remember how one time you broke both of your legs? I don't know how or why, but seeing you like that made my heart beat in a way it never did before. I didn't understand it then, but now it all makes sense. I guess that's why I didn't kill you later” she confessed, her cheeks were even more blushed.

“That's funny, because this situation was my first realization that I have feelings for you. I guess that's why I didn't turn you in without confronting you about it” he admitted. “When I saw you there, on top of that stairs... I felt so conflicted. I knew you were doing wrong and you were supposed to be our enemy, but then you laughed. And it was the most beautiful view I've seen. And the way you spoke my name...” he silenced, swallowing hard, when he realized his throat was dry even at the thought of that situation.

“Armin...” she said softly, making him shiver.

“I take it back. Every time you say it makes me want to hear it more, because it sounds so beautiful in your mouth” he stated.

“Oh, I'm sure you can make me say it over and over again” she smirked and watched him blush furiously.

“W-wha-what do you mean?” he stuttered, not really sure what to think about it.

“What do you want this to mean?” she moved closer.

“Annie, I... I mean... Maybe... um... but not now...” he started to stumble over his own words.

“I'm just messing with you” she gave him a quick kiss and moved away to not embarrass him further. “You're so cute when you're flustered” she smiled.

“You're cute all the time” he said before he thought.

“Fine, you too. We both are” she admitted. They sat in silence for a while, admiring the sunset and just rejoicing each other's company.

“It was a long day. Do you want to head back and rest?” he asked with concern.

“I'm resting here, with you. But I admit, it would be nice to chill in the lake and cool down a little” she answered. Armin nodded and they stood up and headed back.

When they arrived at the lake, it was empty already. Their friends must have left already (they were surprised that Eren and Mikasa didn't stay) and they superiors haven't come yet. Which meant they had some time for a quick bath. And so they did, feeling way more awkward than they expected they would. The new status of their relationship made them feel quite strange as they realized that something they were only dreaming about, could become reality, but at the same time none of them wanted to rush anything. They wanted to slowly learn that intimacy, and while being naked in the group was never a problem, it felt embarrassing when they were alone. So they did their best to bathe separately, trying to not make the other feel worse. When they were done, they headed back. But as they approached the house, they could see a lone form standing in the porch and looking at the still setting sun, that was almost hidden behind the horizon.

“Armin, there is something I have to do” Annie turned to her new boyfriend. “Can you wait here?”

“Sure, anything you want” he agreed. She kissed his cheek and came close enough to talk to the person in the porch, without having to yell.

“Hey, Jean” she spoke hesitantly. “There's something I need to tell you. I want to apologize for something I did many years ago and you might still be angry about it.”

“You know that feeling when you meet someone and suddenly they turn your whole world upside down? They make you re-evaluate your life and stop you from doing stuff you shouldn't be doing?” he asked, looking at her, she could see tears in his eyes. “Actually, that was not a question, I know you do, this person for you is Armin, just like for Eren it's Mikasa. You see, I used to have a person like this too.”

“Yeah, I know. That's why I came to say that I'm sorry. I never wanted his death. I didn't mean to—”

“You can say you're sorry as many times as you want. But it doesn't matter. Nothing can bring him back, no matter how much you regret what you did. And you are responsible for this. I might consider you my ally now, but I will never forget what you did. Neither forgive. It's just... too much. I can't” he said angrily, more out of pain than actual wrath. He lowered his head, trying to hide his tears.

“It's alright. I never expected you to do anything. I just thought it would be fair to tell you how I feel” she said. “I wish I could change the past, but I can't. And I understand and respect your feelings and decision” she said, her face didn't express anything. “I deeply apologize once again” she did something none of them was doing anymore: she hit her right fist against her chest, saluting in a gesture of deep respect. Jean barely acknowledged that, he just stood up.

“Thank you. Even though it doesn't change a thing” he said quietly and went to the house. Annie observed him, trying to suppress her own feelings. She wrapped her arms around her, Armin approached her quickly, seeing that.

“I'm sorry, whatever happened” he said. “Do you need a hug?” he asked, not really knowing what to do. She didn't respond, she just turned around and hugged him tight. It was the moment when her dam broke and her tears started to flow. Armin held her close, allowing her to let everything out, being her shoulder to cry on — literally. And when she finally calmed down, he still was there. She didn't have to say anything, he could understand her anyway, but she wanted to.

“Thank you” her voice was hoarse because of all that crying. “I should probably explain...”

“It's alright. You don't have to explain anything.”

“But I want to. You're the only person I'm not afraid to be vulnerable in front of. I want you to know” she explained.

“Can we talk about it after dinner? The others might get angry if we're late” Armin suggested and Annie nodded in agreement. She didn't actually care when they would talk, she just wanted him to hug her as she would tell him everything she always wanted to tell someone, and he would understand. He proved her that she can feel loved and accepted, if there was one person she could be completely open and honest with, it was him. And it was all she needed: to love and be loved.

[dotthings]

Now the Sam and Rowena part of the angstfest. 

Rowena, MY QUEEN, died saving the world, and not only with agency, she was in charge of the entire thing. She planned the first spell, which wasn’t strong enough. She orchestrated the second, much grander spell, involving putting people into place out in the field, like a tiny, red-headed magical general. When that failed too, she thought of the third spell, and she persuaded and guided and cajoled Sam into the emotional horror of the part he had to play in that. Listen up, Rowena Macleod did not die so Sam could save his brother Dean. She died saving the world and that’s why Sam killed her, not just for Dean. Remember that Rowena is ruthless, at her core. She once regarded love as a weakness, and she exploited that to get Sam to do the very last thing he wanted to do. So she invoked Dean’s name, applied that extra pressure point. The fact that she thought to do that, is interesting. I don’t think Rowena is sentimental about the bro bond, and she has in the past expressed some sharp words and truth tea about Sam and Dean’s codependency and double standard whereby they get to save each other no matter the cost, but others have to lose their loved ones.

Yet when it came down to it, Rowena was willing to die to save the world, and she used the bro bond as that additional little nudge just to make sure Sam wouldn’t falter. I think Sam went through with killing her for the world, not just to save his brother. And speaking of emotional horrors, I think fans celebrating Sam having to kill someone who had become that dear to him, solely on the basis of it would save Dean, is so utterly callous to Sam, I just can’t even *holds up hand*. The brothers love each other dearly, and I don’t think it’s wrong to say that Sam would want to save his brother not just the world--Rowena did use the right pressure point. But saving the world seemed to be utmost in everyone’s mind including Sam and Dean’s. And the aftermath of this isn’t some triumph of the bro bond. 

It’s making me think of things like Dean’s verbal erasure of Cas in 15.01 after Cas had so blatantly been crucial in the episode and saved Sam twice and was such an effective hunter, when he chose wording to Sam “you and me against all the forces of Hell” when Dean has been firmly “you, me, and Cas” for a while and “I believe in us...I believe in all of us.” The brothers love each other deeply and will always try to save each other. So that’s a touchstone. But it isn’t just them any more and the immense emotional cost of what Sam had to do here is heavy. It’s already showing at the end of 15.03 and I expect things to get much, much worse there, I think we are in for some Sam pain.

S15 so far is making it amply clear again, only cranking the decibels up even more, that Sam and Dean losing everybody and only having each other is not a good thing. There are costs. So many costs. Sam had to put a knife through someone he cares about, Dean ripped out half his own heart driving Cas away, a figurative knife into their bond, and both of them are really...not...okay. And they aren’t going to be okay any time soon I expect--I’m thinking there’s going to be a lot of Sam and Dean pain in the next handful of eps before things get better.

So if you were taking 15.03 as SPN saying found family isn’t wanted or needed, guess again. Rowena’s loss for Sam, Cas walking away from Dean--they’re both gutted.

Rowena’s reprimand to Sam “you think magic isn’t fighting” was glorious. SPN has shown there is more than one way to be a warrior. To fight. The Winchesters value research. Dean, despite being still mad at Cas in 15.01, still recognized Cas’s intelligence and his background as a strategist, and turned to him for ideas on how to escape the crypt, even though Cas was in smiting mode. The BMoL offered technology and innovation for how to hunt that might make the odds a bit better for hunters. There’s always been Latin rituals and sigils and salt and Sam and Dean’s knowledge has been as important a factor as their ability to shoot. Yet the emphasis for Sam and Dean and Cas is that they are warriors, soldiers in combat, all three of them are trained for battles. So Sam is restless being in the crypt while all hell continues to break loose outside, and he knows Dean is out there fighting, and that is hard on Sam to not fight with him.

So Sam needed a reminder from Rowena there’s different kinds of strength, and Rowena is a very powerful magic user, and is even an artist. She creates her own spells. She doesn’t just craft magic, she revels in it, and not being drunk on power. She uses it deftly and knows its consequences and its costs. 

If this weren’t the final season, I might be more dismayed to lose Rowena at this point, but it’s the last season, and since SPN decided killing her was the way to exit the character, at least they did right by her. The problem with SPN’s overuse of the death button isn’t solely that it kills characters far too often for drama, to the point it desensitized me, sometimes it’s how the deaths are written. I think Rowena went in a way that did honor her, and SPN doesn’t always write “good deaths” but this was a “good death” with immense agency for Rowena. Her decision, her choices, her orchestrated planning, every step of the way in this episode’s battle to save the world. She was in charge of it.

The other thing is I am not 100% convinced this is really it. Even though Rowena pulled out her last resurrection packet and threw it away, she has always been very wily. She’s a chess player who thinks many steps ahead and she is intelligent and she is ambitious--not so much in that she craves ultimate power/world domination, but she wants control. I think she wants to rule. She tried to form a mega-coven. And her soul went to Hell...which is in need of a ruler and I’ve been rooting for Rowena as Queen of Hell for years. 

I’m not sure. I don’t honestly know whether to count her down and out yet, or if there’s one more trick up her fashionable sleeves and one more stage to her character evolution. 

But if this is it--she was a magnificent character, one of the best recurring characters SPN ever had and at the top or near the top of the most enduring and long-lasting female characters. When SPN added Rowena to SPN, she brought about a necessary shift. She always had so much agency, and her arc and her carefully handled gradual redemption, her layers, made her one of the reasons I love the show. Ruth’s performance elevated every episode she’s been in and Rowena was just so so interesting to watch even in eps that really didn’t work as well. 

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 15

Chapter Title: “Still”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 5,907

Warnings: blood, angst

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

Summary: Ezra takes advantage of Loki’s emotions and finds a way into his unguarded mind.

A/N: I’m so excited to share this chapter because I feel like this is where things finally start to pick up in Loki and Eva’s section of the fic. As I’ve stated previously, I’ve taken creative liberties with these characters, and I hope I do them justice. Thank you to each one of you who continues to interact with this fic, and I want to give an extra special thanks to those of you who have reached out with theories, ideas, compliments, or even questions. It means the world to me that anyone reads this because this fic means so much to me. Once again, thank you all so, so, so much, and I hope you enjoy this installment <3

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny @xletmetaste-yoursmilex @itsknife2meetu @mynameisyara @j-j-ehlby-writes @jillilama-blog (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

*Loki’s POV*

Loki-my love, my light, my life,

I’m writing this letter to you to tell you that I’ve left for Midgard. I’m not entirely sure if or when I’ll be returning, but there is an issue that calls for my attention. I can’t lie to you. I can’t tell you that I want to come back to Asgard once I leave. There’s nothing left for me here without you. Odin’s decisions have left me powerless in both the situation with you and decisions that are being made out here. You made your choice, Loki, and you didn’t choose me. I chose, you though, and I will continue to choose you. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never will. I’ll love you until every star burns out and swallows the universe into the void. Even then, I’m sure I’ll continue loving you-I’m sure I’d find a way. I have nothing left here, Loki, no one left who needs me. I’ve never belonged in Asgard; we both knew that, so I can’t find a logical reason to want to return to a place that has never wanted me.

You’ve made it clear that you’d prefer to live your life without me, that you’d rather die than spend another moment in my presence, and I’m prepared to give that to you. I’m prepared to give you the peace and solitude that you wish for, but I want you to remember that if you let me, I will come running back to you in a heartbeat. That’s the thing about our love-I thought it would last for both of us. I thought our love would withstand the test of time, but I’ve been loving a memory for so long. I’ve lost almost all hope that the man I loved is still somewhere inside you. Maybe Thanos did burn him out. Maybe Thanos killed him. Maybe he truly did steal every piece of the man you once were, leaving me with nothing. Those thoughts, the knowledge of what he did to you-to the man I loved-is what will help me find pleasure in killing him. Death-no matter how gruesome or painful-would be far more merciful than the pain I feel when I live my life without you by my side. Perhaps that’s what I’m waiting for. I cannot die in peace until I find him and rip him apart.

My father will find the note I left for him soon enough, and if I die, or if I decide to stay on Midgard, know that he will continue to fight for you the way I always have. Aaldir has never lost sight of you, just as I haven’t. I’ll always keep an eye on you, Loki, and remember that you will always be loved. As long as I’m alive, there will always be someone on your side. I’ve believed in you, even when you didn’t believe in yourself. I’ve loved you, even when you didn’t love yourself. I’ve fought for you, even when you gave up. While my mind is telling me that the man I love is long gone, my heart is holding out hope that he’s still in there somewhere, that all we’ve been through wasn’t wasted time. That’s the one thing that has kept me from giving up. You’re my everything, Loki. I love you.

Love always,

Eva

My eyes watered as I stared down at the note. Sorrow struck me, but I was also burdened with a fear that was unparalleled. I hated the thought of her knowing about Thanos, of her thirst for revenge. I hated that she knew about him, that she was prepared to find him and kill him for what he did. I knew how powerful he was, and he was one of the main reasons why I continued to push her away. I wanted to hold her, to love her once more. I never stopped loving her, and Thanos used that against me. He saw that she was my weakness, then, he exploited it. I couldn’t tell her that the reason why I was so afraid to be with her was because of Thanos because that would only drive her to find him even more.

The memory was still so vivid, as if it were happening in that very moment. Thanos wanted me to bring Eva to him, telling me that they could do great things together, that they could bring about the dawn of a new universe. I never understood why he wanted Eva, though. Her gifts were undeniable, and I could sense her power; however, she showed no signs of being a goddess. Still, Thanos wanted her, and if he couldn’t have her, no one could. I knew that my failure to deliver her to him had the potential of being detrimental to all of us, since he didn’t settle. He would search for her, and when he found her, he would take her. Perhaps, it was part of the reason why he ruined me in the first place. He wanted to give Eva a reason to seek him out. Either way, I couldn’t risk her safety. No matter how badly I wanted to pick up where we left off, to apologize for it all, to love her enough to make up for all the time we lost, I couldn’t. I couldn’t put her in danger, so I had to push her away, make her wish she never loved me in the first place. It was a fate worse than death.

“She chose Midgard over you,” that gruff voice sounded from the cell across from mine. Ezra.

I glared at him, knowing that he was merely trying to evoke an emotion. He looked so familiar. Those eyes-I had seen them before. They were as green, like the color of spring. They were familiar, but they were also so cold, “the further away from me, the safer she is,” I hissed, turning away from him, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of my anger.

“Thanos could never do to her what Cul will do to her once he has his hands on her,” he insisted, as if he read my mind, as if he could see how much I feared the Mad Titan. He couldn’t possibly know that. I didn’t even know who Cul was in the first place, so I tried to imagine that he had just gone mad. Perhaps he was one of the rambling lunatics that Odin often abandoned in the dungeons. Ezra continued, though, “just imagine what Thanos would do but a thousand times worse. Imagine the hell my father will rain down upon her. Imagine it,” he hissed before the world began to blur.

In the blink of an eye, everything around me changed. I was still in my cell, but the dungeon was empty, and my cell was open. What was happening? My eyes flickered around at the rubble where many of the cells used to be. Blood-dried and fresh-painted the walls and floors-a harsh contrast to what the dungeons had once been. While it was never a beautiful place to be, the first level was never particularly unkempt. It was what one would assume the dungeons of Asgard would look like-still elegant, while also being dreary enough to drive one mad. The destruction surrounding me was something I was used to, but it hadn’t taken over my home before. All I could think of was the one person I needed to protect. Eva.

While the dungeon was empty, and all the cells were completely vacant, I still heard Ezra’s voice, “I would suggest you run,” he whispered, sadistically. I could hear the amusement in his voice, as if he found joy in my distress. I knew that he was in my head, that he was toying with me. This couldn’t be true. This couldn’t be my home. However, it was so immersive. I could smell the fresh blood; the metallic scent filled the dungeons. I could feel the stillness in the air. I could hear the silence, the nothingness. Then, I could hear her scream. It was just as clear as her voice when she sang in the forest, but it elicited a more primal emotion. As soon as her scream echoed through the walls of the palace, reaching me in the dungeons, I took off.

My legs pushed my body as hard as they could. I stumbled up the stairs, catching myself from falling, as I knew it would take up precious time I had to get to her. No matter how fast I ran, though, I felt like I wasn’t gaining on her. Her screams of agony still felt miles away, and the palace felt larger than ever. I had walked these halls thousands of times, and the never felt so long in all my life. The last time I had walked them felt like it was short-lived. I knew it would be the last few moments I would get to spend with her. She had trailed behind the guards as I was brought before my father, and she followed them when they brought me back down to “live out the rest of my days” in the dungeons amongst the filth. She didn’t stay long enough to watch them toss me into my cell, and I was glad for that. She didn’t need to see me the way I was. She didn’t deserve any of what I put her through, what my presence put her through.

Another scream forced me to push myself even faster, and my mind wandered once more. Where was this endurance when Eva, Thor, and I were still young? When we would play within the walls of the castle and break Odin’s expensive collections? Mother would always find us before Odin caught onto what had happened, and she would send us out into the garden to play before convincing the Allfather that it was her clumsiness-which she had none of-that led to his possessions being broken. Frigga, for a short time, was the light of my life. She was the person who believed in me, who loved me with all my flaws, who comforted me in every way. Then, the universe decided that I was worthy of something. Thor was worthy of his powers, but I was worthy of Eva. I never needed a throne, a hammer, a statue. All I ever needed was Eva, my light, my love, my life, my princess.

“She’s dying, Loki. If you don’t get to her before my father does, you’re going to lose what you love most,” Ezra growled, his voice causing the world around me to quake. If my body had the ability to move any faster, it did. I barreled through the doors of the palace only to see the horror before me. Asgard was on fire. The city before me was turned to ash, and what had been left standing was charred and ruined. I gazed over at the forest-our home-to see that the trees Eva once sang to were ablaze, lighting up the night around them. It was one of the most terrifying sights of my life. Eva and I lived in that forest, fell in love amongst the trees, and I had even planned to ask her to marry me beneath the leaves of our tree-the tree of life that was watered with Death’s tears. It was gone. All of it. Gone.

I nearly fell down the stairs upon descending them. I used her screams to guide me through the streets, and I used the dim light from the burning coal or the small fires that still lived along my path. My body became weaker the more desperate and pained her screams became. The closer I got, the louder they became, which was both frightening and relieving. I was growing closer, but she was also still in pain. The screams began to grow so loud, the ground beneath me quaked. I could feel the power from those desperate pleas for help-those panicked, anguished yells. The sound became so unbearable that I nearly stopped. It was like my body was trying to save me from witnessing what it was about to. It was like my body and mind knew what I was about to see, and if it slowed me just enough, I may have been smart enough to turn around, to walk away.

I wasn’t.

The moment I pushed through that fear, the threshold my mind tried to keep me from crossing, her screams stopped, and my heart fell through the very world beneath me. It was silent. The only sound came from the crackling fire and my heart that thudded in my own chest. In that moment, though, I wished for someone to extract the needless organ from my very body. If the silence meant what I knew it did, I had no use for my heart anymore. I had no use for anything anymore. Knowing that I had to find her no matter what, I continued to run through the streets, the light from the fire growing dimmer and dimmer. Soon, I was running through complete darkness. A sinister laugh rattled me to my very core, “you can’t save her from me,” I heard a deep voice, a voice far deeper than Ezra’s. It didn’t sound like him in the first place, but a part of me knew who it was.

Cul.

In the blink of an eye, my way was lit once more. The homes and shops that lined the streets were set ablaze and gave me the ability to see what I never wanted to see. I had seen her close to death on Midgard, but it was nothing like this. She laid completely lifeless on the street in front of me. Blood stained her pale white skin where it had once been kissed by the sun, and it matted down her wild, dark hair. There she was, the woman I loved, dead right in front of my very eyes. My hand flew up to cover my mouth at the mere sight of her. Blood pooled up on the cobblestone beneath her, and images of our life together flashed before my eyes. I suddenly remembered everything. I remembered every argument, every moment of peace, every ounce of sorrow, every moment of relief. I experienced my life with her. Now, I was without her.

A soft whimper escaped my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t do this without her. I couldn’t live my life without her. We promised that, should we meet Death, we would do so together. This was never the plan. It felt like every ounce of me was pulled out the moment I realized that there was no sign of life from her. There was a void in me that sprung to life and sucked away all the happiness I had ever felt. I still experienced some happiness in the dungeons, like when she would visit or when I would hear her sing in the forest. I still had small moments of happiness, but a life without her was no life at all. My heart felt like it had been torn out of my chest when it sunk in that this was the end. She was the one person who loved me more than I ever deserved, more than I could ever love myself. Now, she was just gone, and the last words I spoke to her were evil, hurtful...angry. I hurt the one thing in my life that I wanted to protect more than anything else. I tried to hate the one woman I loved more than anything else. I’d never have the chance to take it back, to tell her that this was all a mistake, that I was sorry for every ounce of pain I put her through, that I never stopped loving her. Even after Thanos took everything from me, he couldn’t pull away the love that I had for her.

I scrambled over to her, falling to my knees at her side. In the process, my clothes and hands became covered in her blood, “oh...oh no,” I stammered, pulling her body into my arms. I brushed the blood-soaked hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear as I always had, “Eva?” I pressed, trying to get her to open her eyes, to see me. Maybe she would be okay. Maybe she would pull through just like before. When her body remained limp in my arms, I began to panic. The world felt like it was caving in on me, and my heartbeat was suddenly louder than ever before, “Eva?” I shouted, tears beginning to stream wildly down my cheeks. I shook her body as the sobs wracked through me, causing me to tremble. I was terrified in a way I had never been before.

This terror didn’t stem from the fear of being alone because I was used to being alone in the dungeons. It didn’t stem from the fear of being lost because I was lost for some time when I was with Thanos. It didn’t stem from the fear of being hated because I was despised by many as a child. It didn’t stem from the fear of being used because Thanos used me as a pawn in his game on Midgard. It didn’t stem from the fear of being vulnerable because I had been vulnerable with her all my life. No, this was a terror that was rooted in my inability to let go of the one good thing I had, the one miracle in my life: Eva. She was the light in my darkness, the essence of life on the battlefield of my existence, the calm in my chaos. She was everything I ever wanted, ever needed, ever dreamed of. She was the very air I breathed, and now, I was suffocating.

“You paved the way for this to happen. I hope you realize that,” Ezra’s voice cut through my sobs.

I tried to ignore the pain that his words brought because there was no greater pain than holding the last piece of your heart as they died, “Eva, wake up. Please, just wake up,” I begged her, burying my face into her hair as I cried, “don’t do this. Don’t go!”

“You left her alone in an unforgiving world. For what?” Ezra asked, causing my heart to sink. What if he was right? What if this was my fault? I shrunk away from his words, caving in on myself. I held onto her body as tightly as I could without breaking her, and I shielded her from anymore of the harm that he could place upon her, “why? Because you were afraid of Thanos? You should be afraid of my father and I! You should be afraid of what we can take from her, what we can do to her, what we can turn her into!” he shouted, an unforgiving voice in the darkness that felt as if it was swallowing me whole.

I pushed his words aside once more, laying her body down onto the cobblestone ground before curling up next to her. I cried into her hair, every sob tearing through my body, “don’t leave me like this. You promised!” I reminded her of the promise we made to each other. I had broken the promise, and it tore me to pieces when I thought of the pain it must’ve caused her. She always upheld her promise to me, though. She was the first to arrive on Midgard once she heard about my presence there. She was the first to confront me. She was the first to beg me to come home. She was the one who risked her life, who nearly died by my hand, to see if there was a way to save me. She was the one who fought for me. She would move galaxies for me, but I failed her. This was a debt that needed to be paid. I had taken so much from her; now, I was being taken from. I broke her heart time and time again-when I ended our relationship that day in the garden, when I turned against Odin, when I fell from the bridge, when I resurfaced on Midgard, when I delivered hundreds of innocent lives to Death, when I fought her, when I treated her like nothing more than the dirt beneath my feet, when I told her I didn’t love her anymore. Now, she was destroying my heart, taking every ounce of purpose I had ever felt.

My bottom lip quivered as I gazed over at her calm, peaceful face. She wasn’t in pain. It was like she was sleeping. She looked like she did when I would wake up before her. I’d gaze over to see a goddess in my bed next to me. The rising sun was just barely peeking over the horizon, and it cascaded across her slender frame, accentuating the dip in her waist, the curve in her hips, her strong shoulders. I would take the time in the morning to gaze upon the love of my life, the woman who gave me reason, who filled my life with wonder and love. I would envision our future wedding and how I would ask father for permission to marry her. None of the anger I felt mattered anymore. All that mattered was her.

As I continued to gaze at her peaceful face, every ounce of guilt crept up to greet me. I should’ve been there. It should’ve been me. My bottom lip quivered as I grasped her cold hand in my own. It was something we did out of habit when we laid in the grass and stared up at the sky. She would always give my hand a gentle squeeze before she began speaking, and throughout whatever speech she gave me, she would rub my knuckles with her thumb. This time, it was my turn. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze and, with a shaking voice and tears streaming down my face, I recited the poem she had written for me, “and if death should try to part me from you, she will have no heart or love to claim, for my heart is forever in your hands, my life will never be the same. And if death should try to part you from me,” my voice cracked as I held back a sob. I took a moment to collect myself before moving on, “my Love, I would take your place, for death knows not of the hole you would leave. I’d accept her cold embrace. But darling, fear not, for I know not how. I know now when or why. All I know is we’ll meet her together, our journey won’t end with goodbye.”

I heard Ezra’s chuckle in the distance, “what a sweet sentiment,” he remarked in a condescending tone, “it’s a shame you can only offer it to her corpse, and do you know whose fault that is?” he asked, urging me to answer through my increasing emotions, “you promised to protect her! You promised to keep her safe all those years ago. Look how much good your promise did!”

I cracked. He won. I turned my gaze to the neverending sky, “you’re right, okay? What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?” I shouted, trying desperately to wipe the tears from my cheeks, but it was no use. The continued to flood my face regardless of what I did to stop them, “I know! I know I should’ve been there for her, that I should’ve taken care of her and protected her like I said I would. I failed her. What more do you want?” I screamed into the void, waiting for a reply back. I received nothing. I turned my attention back to her, caressing her face with the tips of my fingers. It felt like I was dying, like my soul was being ripped from me, but the universe was too cruel to allow me the peace that death would bring. I frowned, pressing my forehead against hers, “I’m so sorry, Eva! I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever done that has caused you pain and suffering. I never should’ve left you in the first place. I should’ve stayed with you in the forest that day instead of going to talk with my father. We could have run away and gotten married on Midgard like you always wanted. We could’ve started a family and had beautiful children. They would have your eyes...and my hair. If we had a son first, his name would be Nova, and if we had a daughter, her name would be Aurora,” I whimpered, forcing a smile as I pressed firm kisses to her forehead and cheek.

I felt myself beginning to slip back into the darkness, the familiar descent calling out to me. I just needed not to feel this pain. I needed it to stop, and if I just...let go, it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I could be without this pain, this endless suffering. The darkness offered me solace, and I needed that now more than ever before. My chest felt like it was caving in, like I was slipping out of sanity. I felt like a stranger in my own body. The moment I closed my eyes and started to drift away from myself, I heard that voice, the voice I heard every morning and every night. It was soft but clear, “Loki, breathe,” she instructed as calmly as possible.

My eyes flew open and flickered around the darkness to see that the buildings had stopped burning. All that was left was the glowing coals. Her body was no longer next to me, and the pool of blood she had been lying in was gone as well. My heart thudded in my chest as I scrambled up to my feet. My chest tightened once more, and I felt as if I was suffocating, as if all the air had been knocked from my lungs. I spun around, looking for the source of that voice. I needed to see her, to know she was okay. When I couldn’t see her, I balled my hands up into fists and let out a roar of pure rage, “KILL ME!” I shouted into the void, falling into a pit of despair. I just wanted it to end. The pain was unbearable, and the moment I received an ounce of peace, it was snattched away. I needed to see her. I needed to know that my love was still alive, that I would still have the chance to make amends. I needed to know that her light wasn’t extinguished.

Suddenly, there was a faint light from behind me. I whipped my body around, and that was when I saw her. That was the moment my soul was returned to me. She stood-more beautiful than ever-surrounded by a faint glow. There was no blood, no screaming, no chaos, no stillness. She was alive. I closed all the space between us in the blink of an eye before falling into her warm embrace. I felt her touch and realized-as soon as I felt her-that this was real. She was in my head. She felt my distress and found my mind just as she had done so many times before. Now, she was across the universe, but she still managed to find me, to comfort me when I needed her most.

As she held me, the world started to fall back together. I held her like she was my only source of life, like she was the very breath I breathed. I held her the way I used to...before I tore our love apart. I held her as tightly as I could without crushing her slender body in my arms, “I thought you were dead,” I cried, unable to hold back the tears of pure joy and relief. Only moments prior, it felt like my world was falling apart, like it was being sucked into a vacuum, and I would go with it. Then, she appeared.

“Would that have been so terrible for you? I’d never pester you again,” she joked as I felt the radiant smile tugging at her lips.

I nodded my head, “it would be the worst pain I’ve ever felt,” I answered, burying my face into her hair as I broke down, “I thought I could take on the world without you, but I’ve never been more wrong of anything in my life. I need you, Eva, no matter how badly I want to deny it,” I confessed, clutching onto her, never wanting to let her go again, “I can’t lose you,” I sobbed, falling to my knees and bringing her with me to the hard cobblestone beneath us.

Still, she continued to hold me, intertwining our bodies so that we didn’t know where one person started and the other began. She stroked a hand through my hair, “I’ve never left you, Loki...and I won’t start now,” she whispered the same words she spoke to me when she was dying on Midgard, “I told you in the beginning that nothing...not even death itself could part me from you. I’m not going anywhere,” she reminded me, cradling my head against her shoulder. She soothed me as I cried, just as she always had, and when I began to collect myself, she pulled away just enough to gather my face in her hands. She positioned my head to catch my gaze, “just breathe, Loki,” she instructed, wiping the tears from my cheeks before caressing my face with her gentle fingers.

I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes, trying to focus every ounce of concentration I had left to the feel of her. I focused on the feel of the skin of her fingers against my cheeks. I focused on the warmth that she seemed to emanate, the peace I felt in her presence, and her light breathing. Eva was the one who always kept me grounded, so it was only fitting that I concentrate on her. Once I focused on her, everything else quieted, and we were the only two people in the universe. My breathing calmed, and when I opened my eyes, I noticed that the world around me was normal once more. The shops and homes were repaired, the quiet streets were lit by the sun above us, and every ounce of destruction was gone. This was her doing. Eva continued to stand before me, still and strong enough for the both of us. She must’ve known that my greatest fear was opening my eyes to be met with her absence. I needed time to adjust after what I had seen only moments before, and she would see me through.

“Ezra’s in your head, Loki. You need to push him out,” she stated, a frown tugging at her lips. We both knew what it would mean if I shut Ezra out. The act of closing the mind off to outsiders meant it would close it off to all outsiders, including the ones who meant no harm. It would mean that I would protect my mind against Eva as well, and she would be unable to appear to me for the time being. I shook my head, ready to argue with her. I would rather live in constant chaos with her than experience a moment of peace without her. Sensing my hesitance, she continued, “it’s a sacrifice you need to make, but I’ll come back.”

“Will you? Will you come back to Asgard?” I asked, hesitantly, recalling the contents of the letter she left for me, the one my mother delivered to my cell. For a moment, Eva became silent, searching my eyes for an answer she wouldn’t find. I knew that she wanted to ask why I would be so eager to have her return to Asgard when I was so brutal to her before. I knew she wondered what changed. In reality, none of my feelings for her changed, but my hesitance and fear to express them did. Instead of spoiling what I wanted to save for our in-person conversation, I cupped her face in my hands and pressed my lips to her forehead, lingering there for a moment longer than necessary. It became a habit after I murmured those three little words to her, and this was my way of reminding her that she still played the pivotal role in my life. When I finally pulled away, I continued to hold her head in my hands, watching as a stray tear streamed down her cheek. She smiled up at me, and it felt as if every planet in the universe suddenly aligned. What had I done to deserve this-to deserve a woman as miraculous as her?

She cleared her throat, trying to regain her composure. We both knew that this wasn’t permanent. She couldn’t stay. We both knew that she had to return to her own mind, to Midgard, to the people she vowed to protect, to the people I vowed to protect at one point. Howard would have killed me if he knew what I put his son through, and I would’ve let him. Eva’s determined voice broke my train of thought, “I have a stronger connection to you, and you’ve managed to kick me out of your mind on several occasions, so you can do the same to him. All you need to do is focus, breathe, and take back your control,” she instructed me, wrapping her arms around my neck, “I believe in you. I always have, and I always will.”

“I need you to come home when you’re finished on Midgard,” I confessed, allowing her to see into my broken heart. I knew the abilities she had. I knew she would be able to sense my distress over her absence. Even if she wasn’t gifted in ways no one could explain, she could still sense that pain in me. I felt lost without her, and I knew she felt lost without me. We both had time to search for our purpose, and our search always led us back to each other. As soon as I spoke those words, her eyes flickered up to meet mine, and I saw myself in them for the first time in so long. She still loved me. She never stopped. Neither did I. That was my secret. That was what I couldn’t tell her, at least not like this, “you belong here...with me.”

“I promise you, Loki, that I will come back to Asgard once I’m finished here,” she promised, sounding more sure than just about anything else she ever told me. She furrowed her eyebrows, “why, though? Why now?” she asked, the question finally surfacing after she packed it away only a moment prior.

Upon hearing the question, I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, basking in one last moment of peace with her. I clenched my jaw, and the atmosphere around me changed. When I opened my eyes, she was gone, and I was back in my cell amongst the filth. As a stray tear streamed down my cheek, I found the courage to answer her question, knowing that she wouldn’t hear it, “because I still love you.”

[bi-lullaby]

No one asked

And I should be studying, but here are some thoughts for season 16 so far:

(SPOILER WARNING, OBVIOUSLY)

1 - Merluca and it’s parts: COUPLES FIGHT STOP PREDICTING THE WORST OK. They’ve been completely adorable so far, but this is what someone said in a interview: “This is the after in happy ever after” (or something to that effect). They’re gonna fight and them they’re gonna make up, I hope. As for their fight: They were both in the right imo. Yes, Meredith is being inconsequent and it must be so frustrating for Deluca to A)Have her continue risking her career and license and freedom when he went to such lengths to help that, B) Be crapped on constantly bc of something your girlfriend did. Yes, Meredith is completely right in fighting the system that is so throughtly broken, and yes, coming to apologize to her mentor and longtime friend was completely the right thing to do. I wanna see merluca wedding and marriage! Maybe (since there are two pregnant people in this season already?) next season will be Mer and Jo? One can dream! For them individually: Poor Mer, she has bitten more than she can chew but she is ready to take on this fight! Imma love to see her as auntie mer! I mis merjolex so much tho, I know she’s been busy and all but they seem to forget she is a important part in their support system. Andrew has been all over the place. I love his confidence, but in the ep where he literally screamed at Bailey over her trying to teach an intern? And called her out bc she was using a different material than Mer? I was a bit off-thrown. But he’s still a great character I enjoy watching. Hope they find the balance between confidence and arrogance for him, and develop him even more!

2 - Amelink: AAAAAA. They’re so amazing and perfect and sweet and I wanna hug them both. Link is everything you could wish for, Amy is adorable as ever. If they lay a finger on either them as a couple, them as individuals, or their baby, imma kick some asses. I don’t think they will tho, Amy is been through SO MUCH already and she deserves a breath.

3 - Bailey: OMG SHE IS PREGNANT AAAAAAAA. I’m so happy! Ben is already a great dad, this will be so fun to watch! Hope they don’t put her through the ringer with a difficult pregnancy or a sick child, she does not deserve this! She already nearly lost her first child while giving birth in a bomb-y hospital while her husband had brain surgery NEXT to the bomb. Enough pregnancy drama for a lifetime. As for her actions: I’ve said before: I’m pissed, yes. She’s acting way too harsh and taking it out on people and more importantly (as I’ve touched on in my female grey’s characters ranking post) she’s out of character. Where is the Bailey that went around the hospital runnning after the attendings and kicking their asses into signing her proposal for a free clinic? And gave them a speech on how they had failed her and she needed something to believe in in medicine? She was one of the first characters to point out how broken the system was, to take direct action to try and fix it. Sure, she likes to try and work within the rules as much as possible, much she is not adverse to breaking a few of them if she thinks it’s necessary (hello deactivated HIV inside a young boy’s body without parental consent! Hello changing the date on a surgery which is also insurance fraud!)! If she thinks it’ll save a life! But also, she’s not completely wrong: Meredith did commit a crime, as good as her intentions were; As her boss, firing her was the only logical decision. She thought her hospital (which she dedicated a good half of her life to) was being attacked by someone she trained into the surgeon she is, ofc she’d be mad as all hell. Quadri was disrespectful, not doing her job well, actively getting in the way of her superior doing her job, screaming at her boss in the middle of the hallway about how she didn’t want to work there - firing her was a tad extreme (specially for a charact who has never, herself, had any qualms ahout mouthing off to her own superiors when she didn’t think something was right) but not completely out of nowhere. I hate hate hate how they’ll probs throw a “oh she was being crazy bc pregnancy hormones!” line after seeing how her actions have been badly perceived by people (like there isn’t enough a stereotype that women can’t have positions of power because hormones make them crazy) instead of “hey this character was put in extremely uncomfortable and tough positiona after extremely uncomfortable and tough positions and came off as harsher than necessary while trying to balance a world-class hospital crisis”. Ugh.

4 - Jackson: Ok so the last few eps have rekindled my love for him and I’m relieved! There’s the good, kind, funny and smart guy I like! I was mad bc of the whole Jaggie drama, but hey, shit happens! If they will be better apart, then I’m happy! (Ok 50% of this is because of what he said to levi! Stanning Meredith Grey + dorky Harry Potter reference? Yes!!!!). I hope this season will be kind on him, that he and Vicky work out well (from what I gathered about it, she has also been through a lot) and that we see more Harriet!

5 - Maggie: Baby girl. I love that they’re consistent that she has a jealous streak but is also a very good person who is always trying her best. Plus, official womb secret bearer is the best title omg! Maybe she should change from cardio to obgyn, lol! Plus, the sisters are everything to me! She instantaneous knew Amy was mad! She stood up for Mer! Aaaaa I love them!!!! Hope this show ends with all three of them happy and loved and badass as always!

6 - Others: Tom has been an.... Interesting piece. I love him, but his antics are almost caricature-esque now and it’s getting on my nerves. He was detestable in exploitating that family’s pain but also, the hospital did need a pr boost or it’d be in even hotter waters! The restraining order on Owen was a tad much bc it got in the way of patient care, but also he did get electrocuted in a very sensitive area by someone who had just gotten together with his ex - I’d be a little suspicious that it was 100% unintentional tbh. He’s power drunk and needs to be turned down a notch. Schmit and Nico and adorkable as always and I loved Nico’s speech about demanding more of himself - That’s one of the biggest traps of low self-steem and Imm glad it’s mentioned. I’ll miss Quadri. Helm being a MeredithGrey stan first and person second is still me lol. I loved how this last ep showed how much of a family they are - all the connections and shared pasts and references to relationships and what not. The “bird” storyline was so cute! Pac North seems so promissing and I’ll cry ugly tears when my baby Alex turns that ish around and shows everyone who’s boss!!!! The whole “the world is broken” theme of the season is my jam! Sadly, irl that handful of people are not gonna turn it around, but I want to see it happen on my screen! The medical system being fixed! As a future doctor (I promissed myself I’d not be the person who brings it up in every opportunity but lol here I am) it’d make me so happy! Against my better judgment, I’m liking Towen! They are trying, they’re really trying! Owen has done nothing wrong so far (besides offering to milk teddy which was just dumb, not malicious) and has been great at stepping down from his job so she could work! And him at Pac North will be great tbh - as much as I didlike him, he is an excellent doctor and strategist and he was a great chief at GS (until the last bit which was just gross negligence). From the promo for next ep: I don’t think they’ll make Webber cheat again. It’d be predictable and cheap and I’d be so mad that we’d have another round of acting like he’s a saint with a tiny issue of being a cheater. What I theorize is: He’ll have lunch with his friend, and either A) She’ll be friendly at the wrong time and Catherine will walk in and then think he’s cheating and it’ll be a mess, or B) Gemma is gonna try to get him back to drinking (Or maybe C) She was telling him to stop being bullheaded and fighting with his wife when life is so short). Cristina reference in the text omg, my heart!

Sorry for the long rant!

[1d-sexualdesires]

Happy Halloween!

“Harry, is this even allowed?”

Or Harry is a prince, Y/N is a fairy, and he’s kind of in love with her.

There is a dimension to this world that many aren’t privy of seeing. A lot like Harry Potter’s wizarding world, there are portals or ways of getting to see the alternate existence. She lives in this world, she’s a fairy, all the females in her family were fairies and they had the fortune of working for royalty. Well, they technically made them royalty because out of all the people in the world who were bound to fairies, Anne’s family had always been one of the most gracious and kind. Some fairies had it bad, their masters were ruthless and exploitive, but that wasn’t the case for her family, ever. Fairies cannot change masters either, so once your family is bound to one you will be in each other’s lives forever, unless they turn you away, it’s a generational thing.

For example, Y/N’s great, great, great, great grandmother found Anne’s great, great, great grandfather in the woods one day. His horse had slid off the road and he was hurt, if he didn’t get out surely he would be eaten off by wolves. So she helped him, she mended his leg and sent him home. He came to look for her every chance he got because he wanted to say thank you, it was for a good year or so and she was just giving him really good fortune for his gratitude. He was emerging as a leader, but that didn’t change his gratefulness and humility, so she revealed herself to him once more and he took her home to his wife and kids and she just kept showing up and being helpful. The future generations are then taught that the fairy is like a nanny, she helps and has special abilities. Humans bond emotionally to them, like they would a friend and if the fairy feels the same affection, they can bind to their families. So, several generations later Y/N’s mum has started working at their palace, as her mom has retired from her duties.

“Hello darling, how are you today?” Anne greets as Y/N comes in with a tray of her breakfast.

“I am doing pretty well! How about you?” she asks as she sets everything down before her.

“I’m also doing well. Just getting busy preparing for this coronation.” She sighed and Y/N nodded.

“Gemma will be a great queen.” Y/N assured her.

“No doubt about that!” Anne smiled.

“Speaking of the coronation. Harry seems to have grown another foot in the last year,” she exaggerated, “could you please fit him and sew him a new suit for the ball when you have time?” She asked and Y/N nodded.

“Yes, of course I can. I was just going to draw up some menu samples for you and Gemma today.” Y/N said.

“Alright, let’s do that another time and just have you work on that suit. He is in desperate need for one. Don’t know what he was wearing off in university, you should see how ragged his clothes are.” Anne said, brows raised as if still surprised and Y/N just giggled.

“I’ll go do that.” She said heading out of the room.

“He’s at the stables!” She called out and so Y/N headed out there.

Her and Harry grew up together, just like Anne and her mom grew up together. So as kids they would play and got tutored together and went to the same schools, but since Y/N was a fairy and not everyone knew that, she tended to be a bit more of an outcast, but he was always very inclusive of her. So when he left to university and they lost some touch it was a bit sad, but he returned earlier in the summer with his Master’s degree and was back at the castle for good. But their friendship had been affected by the years.

“Harry?” Y/N called into the stable, when she wasn’t busy she would spend lots of time with the horses too, they were cute.

“I’m with Onyx!” He called out and she headed over to his horse’s pen, sure enough he was there, brushing her after their morning ride. That horse loved Harry, so much so that she got depressed when he was gone for a week, they had to transport her to a ranch near the city so that Harry could visit her. “Hey, Y/N.” He said looking up from Onyx.

“Hey.” She said, petting at Onyx’s muzzle gently, “Your mom said you need a new suit and I’m supposed to make it for you. When can you get fitted?” She asked.

“Like an hour? Need to shower and have some breakfast, m’starving.” He said and she smiled, her helpful nature shining through.

“Do you want something in particular, I can go prepare it?” She asked and he hummed.

“Yeah, I want one of those big breakfast plates from that diner in the village.”

“Oh, alright. Should I go get it?” She asked and he poked out from around Onyx.

“No, I can go. Give me twenty minutes and you can come and I’ll buy?” he said smiling and she shrugged.

“Deal.”

Alright.” He said, patting at Onyx’s back before hurrying out of the stable.

Y/N didn’t like Harry, she just thought he turned out rather attractive. I mean, his parents are beautiful people, obviously he would be attractive, but man as soon as he turned 18 he became as beautiful as an angel. She sighed, snapping her fingers and appeared in her bedroom where she freshened up, went to tell Anne she was off to breakfast with Harry, and that they’d fit him as soon as they got back.

Harry however, did like Y/N. He thought she was gorgeous and not having her be able to come to university was a pain for a long while. His liking towards her had diminished to a crush, but never fully went away. Some part of him was convinced that she had cast some spell on him. But she just seemed professional around him now, their friendship hadn’t been maintained. After being home for a few months he figured it was time to change that.

****

“This place I missed the most.” He said and she smiled, letting him take a sip of his coffee. “Remember, we would come here after school all the time?” He asked and Y/N nodded.

“Oh, I remember.” She said and he chuckled.

“So, you still seeing that Roger, fellow?” He asked and she shook her head.

“He wanted to get married already. I’m only 24, I’ll stop aging at 30… people aren’t as understanding anymore. I’m just not ready.”

“He didn’t know?” Harry said softly and she shook her head.

“I tried to tell him a few times… but it just never seemed to work out so I ended it.”

“Do you think you’ll ever get married?” He asked and she shrugged.

“Seems harder now and besides, I’ve got you guys. Practically a leech, but my magic tricks come in handy, no?” She said grinning and he nodded, smiling at her sweetly. She looked down into her mug, stirring slowly.

Harry took the moment to appreciate her, she was beautiful. Her eyes were crinkled at the corners from her smile and she looked so soft in her oversized sweater, he just wanted to stand up, slide into her side of the booth and hug her.

“Just out of curiosity,” he started, causing her to glance up, “can the bond between your family and mine, can it end? Or break?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, fairies bond for life, even romantically. So if one day you just wanted to get rid of me you just need to tell me you don’t want me anymore.” She informed.

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” She repeated and he nodded in understanding, “but don’t go getting any ideas, Harry.” She warned and he smiled.

“Trust me, I don’t want you gone ever.” He said genuinely. That made Y/N’s heart feel warm and full. Not even a minute later they had brought them their food and Harry impatiently scarfed it down.

****

“Hold still!”

“If you fucking poke me-”

“If you don’t hold still I guarantee you will get poked.” Y/N warned.

“Y/N, you’re making me nervous.” Harry said softly. She was currently fitting him into the pants for his new suit. Harry’s issue was that she was working on his inner thigh.

“Have I ever poked you or anyone in your family before?” She asked, bunching up the excess fabric.

“There’s a first time for everything!” He said looking down at her, and it really did something to him to see her kneeling, face level with his prick and her hands at his thigh. “Fuck me.” He mumbled because of that and she scoffed.

“Keep it up and I will poke you on purpose!” She warned and he bit his lip, he was really trying to stop his cock from budging up, “M’almost done.” She assured him, literally not even a minute later she was pressing herself back up to her feet and she inspected her work before looking to him. “How do they feel now? Not too tight?” She asked and he shook his head.

“They feel really good.” He nodded.

“Tighter fits look really nice on you, I must say. Also, burgundy is a very nice color on you.” She complimented and he smiled proudly.

“Thanks, I’m glad you dissuaded me from sticking to black. I like this a lot.” He said looking himself over in the three-face mirror as Y/N looked on.

“For the jacket, I’m going to add some beading, just at the cuff, it’ll be great!” She said and he nodded.

“I like that idea.” He said and she smiled.

“Good! I should be done with it later today, I’ll drop by for the final fitting?” She said and he nodded. “Now let me help you out of the pants.” She said, dropping to her knees once more.

“Y’know, s’good that you didn’t go into sewing, you’d have everyone out of business considering it only took you a few days to get a whole suit together.” He said and she rolled her eyes playfully.

“Right, it would be like cheating.” She said, humoring him. Soon he was off and she went back to doing what she did best.

****

It was unintentional. An accident, but before she could hear or see anything else she had snapped her fingers and appeared in her room.

“Oh my god…” she whispered, her hands flying up to her face, but closing her eyes only made it worse. She could see far more, her mind burning with images of him groaning, fist moving lethargically over himself as his head fell back. If she had just stayed still and not knocked over that lamp maybe he wouldn’t have noticed her and she could have just disappeared quietly. “Fuck, fuck…” she shook her head, trying to magically get rid of the images. But he was so pretty and his prick was big. Y/N was a virgin, but she had done other things, just not sex. Sex was sealing the deal with her partner for life, that’s just how it worked for fairies and it had been a while since Y/N had been with anyone, so the hunger was there. Suddenly there were knocks on her door and she knew exactly who it was. “Oh jeez…” she whined quietly, pacing for a few seconds.

“I know you’re in there, Y/N…” she heard Harry through the door.

“Just gi-gimme a sec!” She called out, draping his suit over an armchair and taking a deep breath before heading for the door and opening it up a smidge. “Yeah?” She asked, barely poking her head through.

“I’m sorry.” He said quickly and she glanced down, not necessarily at his lower area, but it was on the way and she could see that it was still fairly hard, she bit her lip, darting her eyes to the ground.

“No, I’m sorry. I assumed you weren’t in there when you didn’t respond.” She said, eyes darting to his hand and then finally up to his eyes and he was wearing a smug smirk all of a sudden.

“Oh my god.” He said softly, smirk still painted on his face and her eyes widened.

“What?”

“I turned you on.” He said confidently and she rolled her eyes.

“No, you didn’t I just can’t… unsee it. Also, who the hell wears noise-cancelling headphones when they’re getting themselves off and expecting someone!” She said shaking her head and he chuckled.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be so fast!” He defended.

“I was altering the suit, not making a new one, Harry…” she said shaking her head, eyes closed, the images still playing in her mind, her face was flushing pink.

“Could’ve been worse, could’ve been Gem or my mum. That would’ve been weird.” He said and she sighed.

“Are you done?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Need to try on my suit, no?” He asked.

“Maybe later when you’re not… you know?” She said, eyes not leaving his. She could feel the tension, his eyes fixing on her lips. She was flustered as hell and he loved it, if only she knew that having her on her knees, so close to his prick was what had him wanking off to some conjured up images of him, heavy and thick between her lips.

“I’d really like to try it on now, if you don’t mind.” He said, leaning on the doorframe, making it clear that he wasn’t going to go unless she really wanted him to disappear. Y/N wasn’t sure that she even wanted him to go, she had seen a lot.

“Harry…” she said warningly, he was looking at her with these hungry eyes and she could feel his energy changing to something heavier and more tense.

“Please, I really want to try it on now.” He said and she was weak and opened up further. He stepped in and gently leaned against the door, clicking it shut. She was only a few steps away from him, so he simply stretched his arms out and looped them around her waist, pulling her closer. She could feel him, stiff and warm against her hip, her eyes fluttering shut as he pressed her closer. “You’re fucking dripping for me aren’t you?” He whispered and she nodded shamelessly, looking up into his eyes. “Do you want me to do something about it, Y/N?” He asked her. Y/N looked completely torn; she should say no. He’s her boss basically, her friend. But she also wanted to say yes because he was beautiful and his hands were so big. She didn’t have to sleep with him, she could just get something else from him and return the favor.

“We can’t have sex.” She said quietly and he nodded in agreement, “and just this once, okay?” She asked, looking into his eyes.

“Okay, no sex and just this once.” He agreed. In a mere matter of seconds their lips collided and he getting comfy on the bed, sweats balled up at his ankles with Y/N kneeled between his legs as her soft hand wrapped around his cock, stroking gently, thumb rubbing at his sensitive tip.

“F-fuck, thas’real good.” He groaned when her lips wrapped around the head. His head rolled back as she sunk lower onto him, his fingers tangling into her hair, watching her cheeks hollowed out with the pressure of her sucking at his hard cock. “Oh fuck, keep going like that.” He muttered breathlessly, jolting a bit when her hand fondled his balls, “Yes, Y/N. M’gonna cum if you keep that up.” He warned. Her tongue was dipping into his slit, tasting his pre-cum and loving the headiness of it on her tongue. She picked up her pace and brought up her other hand to tug at the bottom half of his cock as she focused on stimulating the top half with her tongue. “Don’t stop, don’t stop.” He mewled as her tongue rubbed tirelessly against his slit and then sucked hard at him, one of her thumbs rubbed down the prominent vein that ran along his prick before picking up her speed and stroking him fast, “M’gonna cum, fuck!” He moaned to warn her, but she sank lower onto him and she felt his balls twitch in her hands and then he was bursting in her mouth and she was swallowing his mess down greedily. His eyes were screwed shut and his jaw slack, fingers tangled in her hair, gripping hard as he pressed his cock further into her mouth.

When he had finished she sucked at him so gently, his toes curling at the sensitivity and then she let her warm palm encircle him as he throbbed. Y/N pulled off and kissed at his thighs and his eyes fell shut once more when he felt her warm tongue lick at his balls before sucking one into her mouth gently. He hissed before it formed into a moan as she sucked a bit more, the sensitivity causing the action to be borderline painful, but it felt so good, his cock wanted to get hard for her all over again.

“Please.” He mewled. He wasn’t sure if he wanted her to make him cum again or to stop.

He was sure she could coax another out of him. He was only a little disappointed when she pulled away from him and glanced up at him. He couldn’t wait to make her come, the look in her eyes told him that she was more than ready for him to reciprocate. “Best blowie I’ve ever had.” He mumbled, pulling her up off the ground and then smashing his lips into hers. He moaned at the taste of him on her tongue. He quickly was hovering over her, gently rubbing his fingers against the fabric of her knickers.

“Thanks for wearing a dress today.” He smirked and she moaned as he added pressure, really going at her clit.

“Please, Harry. I need t’cum.” She begged and he kissed her hard, relishing in the warmth of her mouth before pulling back.

“Okay, I’ll make you cum.” He said. He quickly removed her underwear and pushed her dress up to her tummy before letting his fingers slip past her folds until he felt where she was soaking for him and she moaned. Her head was thrown back, exposing her neck allowing him to kiss at the tender skin. “Do you want my fingers?” He asked and she nodded.

“Please, Harry. Need something inside.” She whimpered as he rubbed at her clit.

“I also want t’taste you. Bet you’re fucking delicious.” He mumbled against the column of her throat before kissing and nibbling at the little patch of skin.

“Both, please. Do both.” She begged and he smiled.

“Since you made me cum so fucking hard-”

“And I swallowed.” She added in a small voice and he hummed.

“That’s right. You were so fucking good for me. Such a good girl for me that I’ll give you both.” He decided and he kissed her lips hard for a few seconds and then pulled back.

“Thank you.” She whispered as he made his way down her body until he was level with her pussy.

“Fuck, you look so pretty all slick and ready fo’me.” He said and she moaned. She didn’t think she could be anymore turned on, but then he took her by the thighs and spread her open a little wider, pressing her knees up a bit until she felt his warm breath right on her skin. “Ready?” He asked and she groaned.

“Yes, please.”

Without another work he split her slips and opened up, the flat of his tongue pressed to her entrance and smeared up to her clit, when he sucked on the little bud, making her legs jolt. Her moans and whimpers were so pretty and delicate, she was trying to keep quiet. She was a bit successful until she felt his fingers rubbing against her arousal.

“Gonna go with two, okay?”

“Okay.” She mumbled. Her heart was pounding out of her chest at she felt his digits rubbing at her entrance.

“Gonna make you feel as good as you made me feel.” He assured her before licking at her clit again and then suddenly pushing his fingers into her.

“Mmm, Harry!” She whimpered, back arching as he curled them up and rubbed as he pushed them in and out at a moderate pace, her whimpers were louder when he’d push back in harshly. Her thighs were trembling because her was rubbing right onto her g-spot and the licks he was giving her clit had her seeing stars. She started squeezing around his fingers, her moans increasing in volume and frequency as the knot in her tummy started to become unbearable.

“You’re close aren’t you?” He asked and she nodded, “Good. Squeezing so fucking hard. Shit you’re so tight.” He groaned, replacing his tongue with his thumb on her clit and rubbing at her little button until her breath hitched and her hips chased his hand when it pulled away. He held her hips down with his free hand and pounded his fingers into her quickly as her cum coated his fingers, leaving them all warm and sticky. He was shuddered as he worked her through, little whimpers leaving her as his thumb slowly came to a halt. He swirled his fingers around as he slowly pulled them out, causing Y/N to moan and he grinned, loving as they came out shiny and sticky with her, and then sinking them into his mouth, humming at the taste, she sat up, watching him. Cheeks hollowed out and eyes closed as he cleaned his fingers off. “M’not done.” He said when she started moving towards the edge of her bed, “Need t’clean you up.” He said quietly, pushing her back a bit until she was leaning on her elbows, looking down at him, brow furrowed and lips in a pout as his tongue lapped against her folds greedily, then she felt him at her clit again, the sensitive little bud was throbbing against his warm tongue, the back and forth pattern suddenly halted with a rough suck that made one of her hands grip onto the curls on the top of his head.

“Be gentle.” She pleaded and he hummed against her, releasing her clit from the harsh suck and she was wet all over again, his chin was sticky with it and his lips swollen from French kissing her pretty little cunt. Suddenly he started licking at her clit in a very interesting pattern that had her legs trebling again. Her chest was heaving and she moaned his name as she came undone once more, then he lapped her up once again and finally moved back up to her, kissing her lips chastely.

“Satisfied, love?” He asked, patting at her swollen and sensitive pussy three times before pulling back to see Y/N nodded, her eyes closed and a smile set on her face. “The last orgasm, made you cum by spelling my name.” He grinned smugly and she giggled.

“Well it worked.” She whispered tiredly and he smiled, “Thanks. I really needed that.” She said.

“Yeah, me too. It’s a right shame it’s a one time thing.” He mumbled sadly.

*****

It was not a one time thing. Over the course of a few weeks Harry and Y/N had managed to fool around at least twice a week. He doesn’t think he could ever get tired of the way she made him come with her mouth. But also, there was this one time where he was working on his sister’s coronation speech and Y/N came in to bring him his dinner and he pulled her onto his lap and they dry humped until he had cum an unbelievable amount in his pants. There was also that time where she had been preparing breakfast and he ate her soaked little peach while she clung to the counter for dear life. But he’s not sure if either of those times beat the time where he took her into town because she needed to buy fabric and of course, on the way back they made a detour to a secluded spot and he finger fucked her until her little cunt was squirting cum for him.

Those are the things he thought of as he groaned and came hard all over his fist and onto the shower floor, the warm water washing away any evidence of his activities. Harry liked this part of Y/N, but it left part of him wondering about who she was now. Sure, they had been great friends in school, but then he left and they grew into adults and became different people. That’s what drove him into the kitchen as she had some dishes being washed magically as she chopped some potatoes.

“I can’t right now, Harry.” She said, not even having to look up to see if it was actually him. She had learned to read his presence. She was growing a fondness over him that was dangerous. She couldn’t less herself fall for him because then she’d want to sleep with him and her heart would be tethered to his forever and he might not even want her like that and that would break her.

“I wanted to know what your favorite song is.” he said and she sighed.

“Why?” She asked, finally looking up and he was wearing a lovely, dimpled smile.

“Because, I don’t really know much about you anymore except for the fact that I know were your g-spot is and I really don’t like that.” He said and she giggled around a scoff.

“Well, why do you need to know?” She inquired and he shrugged.

“Just want to know.” He said and she decided to humor him.

“Right now my favorite song is Wouldn’t It Be Nice. I watched 50 First Dates the other day and I can’t stop listening to it.” She said, focused on chopping the potatoes, too focused to see him smiling fondly at her.

“Good choice… song and film.” She hummed in acknowledgement, “And what about color? Mine is-”

“Pink.” She said and his brows arched, surprised she knew, “Mine is also pink.” She disclosed, smiling up at him.

“Pink is really pretty, just reminds me of the spring time and sunrises.” He said and she smiled.

“Yeah, it’s very cute.” She agreed and he smiled.

“Mmmm, what are some of your hobbies?” He asked and she glanced up.

“What’s this about?” She said and he walked further into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and cutting board and taking one of the bell peppers beside her.

“Told you, I want to get to know you better.” He said, “Now what are your hobbies? And how do you want these cut?” He asked, she was more than endeared. He was so charming and it was hard not to swoon in Harry’s presence, he just did things to people.

“Just dice’em. And uhhh… I like to cook, relaxes me a lot. I love to read as well, and uh… well no one knows this but I have an Etsy store an sell soaps, candles, and lipbalms. I love doing that.” She confessed and he smiled brightly at her.

“Ummm, you know how much I love candles right? When are you going to make me a lavender one?” He asked and she giggled.

“If you really want one I will make you one.” She said and he scoffed.

“Ummm, of course I want one!”

“Alright then, I’ll personally deliver it tomorrow.” She said and he was beaming.

“Alright then.” He repeated.

****

Harry’s mouth was dry, his heart was pounding erratically and his spirits were crushed because he wanted Y/N. He had started spending more time with her and he really was falling for her. He loved spending time with her and talking to her and he loved helping her make her soaps and candles and visiting with her mom. He had fallen for her, he wasn’t even sure what was going to come of it, but it was too late. His whole heart was hers for the taking, so hearing that Gemma’s pre-coronation ball would be when he was to meet a princess that he was supposed to wed he was upset.

“I thought since I’m technically second in line as of now I didn’t need to worry about this!” Harry exclaimed, he was angry.

“Darling, it doesn’t mater if you’re third or fourth in line, you need to marry someone who is going to help us out!” Anne reasoned and he groaned.

“You didn’t marry royal!” He argued and she sighed.

“Which is why your father and I had to annul, Harry. I got remarried, luckily to someone I was interested in after everything, you know that.”

“What if I don’t like her? What if she’s daft and scary-looking or crazy?” He asked and Anne rolled her eyes at his dramatic behavior.

“I can assure you, Harry, she’s pretty and smart and not crazy. I’ve met the girl myself and she’s lovely. She can’t wait to meet you next week.” Anne said and he just stormed out of her study. His heart felt heavy and it hurt to know that maybe having something, anything with Y/N would never be possible.  

Meanwhile, Y/N was working on the menu for the pre-coronation ball, but she felt off, upset even. Something was wrong, she could feel it, it was Harry. She had spent so much time with him and maybe she had gotten too careless, but she was falling for him. She yearned to be around him and she could feel everything he felt and when they were together it was a bliss like she’d never known. But right now something was wrong; the feeling grew heavier when he walked into the kitchen, anguish and betrayal written all over his face and she frowned.

“What is it?” She asked and he sighed, just walking up to her and kissing her with everything good he could muster up, masking some of the hurt they were both feeling now and alleviating it for a moment, until he pulled away his forehead resting on hers, his lips kissing the tip of her nose and then sighing.

“Nothing, just an argument with mum.” He said and she knew he was lying, but maybe he wasn’t ready to say.

“What can I do to make it better?” She asked and he sighed.

“Let’s go for a ride, yeah? Next week we’ll both be to our ears in coronation prep.” He said and she nodded. Taking his hand and snapping, both of them appearing in the stables. “I still think it’s cool you can do that.” He said smiling, feeling a lot more relaxed then when they were in the kitchen and she smiled.

“It is is pretty sick.” She agreed and let him prep the horses.

Y/N found that she could do a lot of things with Harry, not just teleport him. She could read his mind if she really concentrated, but she would never, that was private. It just happened once on accident when she was taking him in, he just looked so beautiful and she wanted to remember the moment forever, so she was focusing on every detail and then she heard it, clear as day. He was thinking about eating lunch, and then as if on cue he asked if she wanted to go have some lunch, she knew exactly what he was craving too. Y/N could also take some of his pain, and even protect him the way she could protect herself from harm. These were tell-tale signs of a forming bond. She was worried, because on an emotional level and physical to some degree, her heart was slowly becoming his. She wasn’t even sure if it was allowed, but it was happening and she hadn’t told anyone.

******

“We can’t have sex.” Y/N sighed tiredly and Harry huffed. He wanted her, wanted her so fucking bad it hurt. His heart ached to connect with her that way.

“Baby, I know, but I just want you so bad.” He whined, kissing her forehead.

“Me too, but we just can’t.” She groaned and he pouted.

“You know that I love you right? That you mean everything to me?” He asked and she nodded.

“I do too, believe me, Har. But we can’t, okay?” She said and he groaned.

“Why not?” He asked like a pouty child and she sighed, sitting up from his bed.

“My kind… we bond for life. We can only have sex with one person- trust me, I want to, so badly because I love you more than I can express, but if for some reason you don’t want me one day-”

“Impossible.” He interrupted and she sighed.

“This is serious, Harry. I will never love again, Harry. Already, I feel tethered to your heart, imagine a physical act of love and unity? I don’t know what I’d do if we did it and I couldn’t have you ever again.” She said sadly and that’s why he simply said ‘Okay, baby’. Because in a few days he would be meeting his future wife and as much as his heart wanted it to be Y/N, it wasn’t going to be her.

******

“You look incredible.” Y/N said as she finished zipping up Gemma’s ball gown. It was a champagne colored ball gown that was a beautiful, fitted, off the shoulder lace top, with rhinestones, crystals, and beading that became sparse as it transitioned into the blown up tulle and chiffon skirt.

“Thank you so much, I love it. It’s exactly what I hoped it would be.” She said looking to Y/N through the mirror.

“I’m glad.” She said and Gemma sighed, for a moment she saw a little pain in her eyes. Then a heavy feeling settled over her heart, something was wrong.

“Y/N, just know that we all love you, so, so much. We’re all so grateful for you.” She said and Y/N smiled, hiding the inner turmoil she was in because something was definitely wrong. Once Gemma was ready and her tiara was placed on her head Y/N left to get into her gown. She would be attending the ball as a family friend, Anne wouldn’t have it another way.

So while Y/N wanted to go all out and look beautiful for herself and for Harry, she chose to create something subtle and simple. She was more than surprised when Anne let her borrow her jewelry; she chose some antique garnet drop earrings set in silver, they were the perfect pop to her simple, silver colored silk gown, also off the shoulder, and a-line. She had never felt more beautiful in her life, but still something wasn’t right.

Although she was a guest, she was still busy and working, making sure everything was running smoothly. The servers were passing around her hors d’oeuvres and champagne flutes, so all seemed well and she decided to finally join the celebration. She looked around the room to find someone she knew and she spotted Harry. Y/N was about to make her way over when the crowd conveniently parted and she saw him speaking very animatedly to a gorgeous girl. Focusing hard on trying to read his expression she tuned in to his mind accidentally and her heart shattered when she heard the words: This is the woman I’m going to marry.

She wasn’t sure what to think, but all she could do was feel hurt; he said not even a week ago that he loved her. Maybe she stared a bit too long, but he looked over from his conversation partner for a moment and did a double take when he saw her, he smiled at her from a distance, not really able to look away once he noticed her. Y/N couldn’t really handle this, she couldn’t be here anymore. Her eyes were welling up with tears of sadness and betrayal and she turned around quickly and bumped into someone, he was tall. Taller than Harry and he smiled at her warmly and she returned the gesture out of politeness, but then he opened his mouth.

“Would you like to dance?”

****

Harry was hot. He was chatting with one of the most beautiful and intelligent girl’s he’s met in his life, a girl he’s supposed to marry, but can’t. He saw Y/N, and a minute later she’s pressed up against his mother’s adviser’s son, Aaron. He’s a right prick, a womanizer, a player… but there he is, swaying Y/N back and forth on the dance floor. If looks could kill he’d be dead. She’s smiling, she seems to be okay, but he can’t help but rudely excuse himself from the conversation with princess Clara is to go and tap on Aaron’s shoulder as the song comes to and end.

“May I cut in?” He asks and Aaron looks irritated, because he knows Harry doesn’t like him much and it seems that he’s sabotaging his chances with this girl on his arm, but he is the fucking prince and his father would have his head for refusing a royal, so he stomps off and Harry sweeps Y/N into his arms, swaying her gently as another song starts up. To his surprise and dismay, she’s silent. “Are you alright?” He finally asks.

“Why are you here?” She asks coldly, but softly, looking into his eyes.

“Aaron is a prick and you look breathtaking tonight.” He says simply and she huffs.

“This can’t happen… your mom is talking to your friend she seems upset. Well, they both do.” Y/N informed him as both Anne and the girl watched on and Y/N smiled softly at Anne, who returned her gesture before tuning to the girl. Probably informing the beautiful young woman that Y/N was just a good friend and she had nothing to worry about.

“I’m supposed to marry her.” He said suddenly and Y/N paused, causing him to stumble a bit and as he regained his balance she took off quickly, making her way to a secluded part of the room and snapping her fingers and she appeared in the one place she didn’t want to be, but couldn’t stop thinking about, his fucking room where he had told her that he loves her.

Harry groaned in irritation as she suddenly disappeared, she could be anywhere… he glanced back and hurried to his mother.

“Sorry, Clara, can I speak to my mother privately for a moment?” He smiled and she nodded, walking off as he pulled his mother to the edge of the room. “I can’t marry that girl.” He said and Anne sighed.

“Harry, you need to marry som-”

“She’s not into my kind, mum. She told me not even ten minutes into the conversation, we wouldn’t have kids, so no heirs. Her parents don’t know yet. I literally cannot marry her.” He informed and Anne looked a bit surprised.

“So, what are we going to do?” She asked and he bit his lip before deciding to be honest.

“Actually, I am so hopelessly in love with Y/N. I think- no, I know I want to marry her.” He said and Anne’s eyes grew wide as saucers at Harry’s confession.

“Um… she’s a beautiful and wonderful girl, Harry, but is that even possible?” She said skeptically and Harry shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure.” He said and Anne sighed.

“Think about it, we know her and trust her, if we could have kids they’d still be royals!” He argued and Anne shrugged.

“I don’t know, darling. I don’t know how this works. What happens when she stops aging and you get older and older?” She whispered and he shrugged nonchalantly.

“Don’t care, I love her. She’s everything I want and need, she’s my best friend.” He explained and Anne felt for him.

Gemma had luckily fallen in love with someone she could marry to keep the crown. Anne had fallen for Des, and despite their separation she had found someone Robin, who she also loved deeply the second time around and who also had some sort of importance and status acceptable for a queen. She wanted him to be happy… she sighed, her resolve breaking.

“Okay, yes. You can be with her; be with Y/N.” She said softly, squeezing his hands and he smiled.

“Thanks, mum.” He said hugging her tight before hurrying off to find her.

*****

“Y/N?” He called as he opened the for softly. He had checked the entire fucking kingdom (or so it felt like it), he thought she might be in his room, but didn’t really think she had any reason to be until he heard a sniffle and his eyes landed on a lump on the bed that seemed to be shimmering in the moonlight. She looks radiant and he hates knowing that he hurt her feelings, she didn’t let him finish. When he got closer he saw that she had those noise-cancelling headphones on from when they had their first run-in; her eyes were closed so he sat on the edge of the bed making her sit up so fast.

“Jeez, you scared me.” She said a bit too loudly before pulling the headphones off, she had been crying, her eyes were a bit glossy.

“You didn’t let me finish saying what I had to say.” He said and she sighed.

“I don’t want to hear it, I’d rather not. You told me you loved me and I love you too. I’m connecting to you in ways that you can’t imagine, so maybe just rip the bandaid off instead of  beating aroun-” he cut her off with his lips pressing to hers. The urge to just be there for him took over her hurt. Harry wasn’t a liar, maybe he had to do this, when she had calmed down he pulled back, pecking her lips once more before resting his forehead on hers.

“I won’t marry her. I talked to my mum about you. About us. Told her that I love you so much and that you’re my best friend and that I don’t want to live a single day without you.” He said and she bit her lip, trying to hold back an enormous smile.

“Harry, is that even allowed?”

“M’not done. I do want every single day with you and I on’t care if I look awful or like your grandad in the end! I just want you to be happy and if you’re happy with me and think you could be for the rest of our lives I would love to ask your parents for your hand in marriage.” He said and tears ere streaming down her face, hopefully good ones.

“You’re lucky my mascara is waterproof, she whispered.” Before kissing him hard. It was indescribable. Consciously making that decision to be with someone no matter what. Naturally their kiss started getting more heated, things were moving quickly. He was standing behind her, kissing at her shoulders as he worked on her dress’ zipper.  “Harry, if we do this-”

“I know. Trust me, I don’t think I’d ever want anyone else in my whole life besides you.” He assured her, pleasantly surprised that she was wearing some very cute lingerie.  

“Yes, I wore it for you.” She hummed  as he unhooked the strapless bra and let drop to the ground before pressing her barely-clothed ass to the bulge in this pants.                                         “I want you so bad.” He whispered in her ear, nibbling at the lobe while his hands squeezed her breasts and pinched at her nipples. If she wasn’t soaked for him before, she definitely was now.

“I want you too, please.” She moaned as he pinched down on her nipple rather hard, causing her to groan in a mix pain and pleasure.

Soon she was laying on the bed completely naked for him, needy and throbbing. Fairies’ bodies prepared for when they were going to bond with a partner. If their heart was in it, so was their body. This means she was a soaking and sticky mess for him, her endorphin and dopamine levels where through the roof, ensuring that the only thing felt on this, her first time, was pleasure. She had never felt such a primal hunger for someone in her life, she needed him to just get inside of her and make her his.

“Fuck, baby.” He moaned as his fingers dipped past her folds and stroked up to her clit, “Proper dripping for me.” He said lowly, rubbing at her clit gently, and pushing two fingers into her, but the sensitivity from her body’s state had her mewling and her back arching, already close to coming. “Are you gonna cum for me?” He asked and she nodded, breath hitching and legs trembling as he added more pressure and increased the speed of his fingers.

“Oh my- yes, that’s so good!” She whimpered, jaw falling slack and her eyes closing tight as she came undone, mumbling his name over and over. God, he was throbbing for her and couldn’t wait to stuff her full of his cock. He hovered over her, kissing her a few minutes as she calmed down, but she couldn’t because the feeling of his hard cock on her lower tummy was doing things to her. “Please, I want you in me. Need to feel you deep inside.” She begged as he rubbed his cock against her soaking folds. He was big, he didn’t want to ruin her first time, but she kept insisting it was okay, that it would be okay.

“Alright love, please tell me if you need me to stop.” He warned and she nodded, shuddering as he rubbed his head up against her clit and then back down to her weeping hole. He watched her attentively as he pressed the tip to her entrance, her eyes flew open and landed on him. His bottom lip was taken between his teeth, holding back a moan as he made shallow little thrusts against her.

“Please, Harry. I need you.” She whimpered and he glanced up to her, eyes begging him to just do it and so he pulled away and hovered over her as her hand guided him to her entrance and he just pushed back into the head, relishing in her arousal and how the new intrusion was causing her body to squeeze around him already. He just let his hips fall towards hers as he pushed all the way into her, making them both groan, her nails digging into his bum as he stilled until he felt his balls tap against her skin, “Oh my god.” She moaned, back arching at the feeling of fullness. Harry felt like he could cry from how incredibly tight she was around him, squeezing and so wet for him.

“You feel so fucking amazing, love. Are you good?” He asked and she nodded furiously.

“Please, move.” She pleaded and he followed her demands.

He thrust into her deep and slow, making love to her. This was a first for sure. His heart felt so full being connected to her this way. He wanted to just hold her so close she could hardly breath, he wished he could kiss her forever without taking a breathing break, he just wanted to be with her. He showed it to her with every thrust and encouraging word, kissing all over her face, moaning into her neck and loving the way she was reacting to this moment with him. God, the way his ego was bloating up at the sounds of her moaning his name and how good his big, thick prick felt inside of her, he was really over the moon.

He bent her legs at the knee and angled his thrust that way, giving it to her harder and faster, feeling her clenching hard around him. She was getting close, the wet sounds getting more prominent as their connection remained.

“Are you gonna cum for me, princess?” He asked and she moaned, she was his princess now.

“Fuck, I am!” She mewled

“Come on baby, want to feel you making my cock sticky with your cum. Give it to me, princess.” He encouraged until her eyes rolled back and her legs tumbled around his body, soaking his prick with her cum, making the sounds of him thrusting into her louder and dirtier. She was seeing stars, she was tearing up and felt like she was floating in the clouds of pleasure, moaning his name, encouraging him to keep going, to fuck her until he couldn’t move anymore.

“Fuck, love. M’gonna cum.” He warned and she crossed her legs behind his hips as he fucked into her harder and deeper.

“Please,” she begged, “make me yours.” She whined and he moaned loudly at the idea.

“Want my cum deep inside you?” He asked and she nodded and moaned, begging him to please, cum inside her. “Fuck, s’gonna be a lot, fuck.” He said shakily feeling the knot in his tummy hastily slipping undone, he thrusted into her roughly and stilled deep inside of her as he filled her up, moaning at the feeling of her clenching hard around him, milking him for every drop. “Fuck, Y/N.” He moaned, buried in her neck until they were both panting messes of sloppy kisses and declarations of love. “You’re all mine, Y/N. My fucking princess forever.” He mumbled against her lips.

[cleverflowerperson-blog]

The Flash: Screenwriters X Public (part II)

Why are not Caitlin and Iris friends?

This is the simplest issue of Flash that has become one of the most complex. Because? Because the audience views Caitlin contextually rather than narratively. Feminists look at Caitlin and see a female scientist working with a superhero. So, Caitlin has to be an example and an inspiration to all the girls who watch the series. Ah! Let's not forget about women's friendships, which should be portrayed correctly, women support each other. There are those who see Caitlin as a competitor of Iris and spend all their time overvaluing Caitlin and depreciating Iris. And finally there are those, who transfers to Caitlin her animosity towards the actress, as well as her world perception of her daily battles.

I know this is a common behavior of all audiences, in any kind of project, but that's not how it works in the narratives, all the problems, frustrations and wars that originated in Caitlin could have been avoided if the public had not looked at it context of the real world, but within the narrative. To this day, in the fifth season, I still see people saying: Caitlin is my favorite character. Caitlin is the best female character in the series. Caitlin is a poorly written character. These statements are embarrassing. No kidding, they are very embarrassing, because after five years the public has not yet discovered that Caitlin is not a character. What? I said it would be violent. That's it, Caitlin Snow is not a character and never was. That's why she is not friends with Iris and is not blamed for what she does. It has nothing to do with privilege, white feminism, competition or bad writing. Incidentally, Caitlin has always been well-written, within her non-character classification, she was poorly illustrated, but never well written.

Being a non-character, Caitlin has to be confined to the narrative. His movements are calculated millimetrically. As well? A non-character is always confined to its purpose, not expanding within the narrative. This is their main characteristic. Because? Because they will be disabled when the purpose of their existence is won, and this deactivation can not do much filth. Okay, but what does this have to do with Caitlin not being friends with Iris and not being held accountable for anything? Simple, do not make dirt.

It works like this: think about Joe West. We `ll kill him. This death was going to do a lot of dirt - Barry would be devastated, Iris devastated, Wally destroyed, Cecily bitter and the other characters would feel their way. Joe's death would have a very large impact on several characters and the narrative, causing a change in the tone of the series until the audience would be traumatized. That is making dirt.

Now let's kill Caitlin; How big is dirt? Would Barry be devastated? The two have a friendship. But is THAT friendship? It's more to be sad for two episodes and life goes on, is not it? How would Iris feel about Caitlin's death? They are not friends, partners, confidants, so I think she would be more to comfort the sad ones than to be comforted. Something else? Cecilia? Is she and Caitlin? Difficult to define this relationship. Wells? Nor is it from Terra Prime. Joe? Does he see her as a daughter? I do not know. Perhaps ...? What kind of relationship does she have with Ralph? Daughter in law?

Let's be honest, Caitlin's death only affects, indeed, a character, Cisco Ramon. The others? Life goes on. That's what I'm talking about, cleanliness, a non-character does not make dirt when it's turned off. And this cleansing is only achieved by controlling the interactions. All of Caitlin's interactions with the characters, except for Cisco, are superficial. No one is able to pinpoint the type and degree of affection the characters cherish for her, of course, minus Cisco and with a lot, but a lot of strength, Barry. Try it.

So keeping Caitlin in an isolation bubble with controlled interactions is critical. Non-characters are like placentas they are important during the formation of babies after childbirth, they have to be eliminated if they otherwise infect and kill the organism. If she had apologized to Iris for Killer Frost, Iris would show resentment over what happened and a lack of confidence in Caitlin's ability to prevent it from recurring. Then Snow would have to make a way to regain this confidence which would lead them both to build an affection, in which case Iris would suffer with the deactivation of Caitlin. I'm increasing the dirt. Whatever Caitlin does wrong the team discovers, but does not react, for the same reason. If the team poses against their behavior, it will have to redeem themselves from the mistake and during this process, it will happen to build a stronger bond with them. That is, more characters suffering with their deactivation, summarizing, infecting the organism.

This is what they avoid by not creating perceptible ties between her and the characters, as well as the non-exploitation of their attitudes. I imagine they must be thinking, as Caitlin may be a non-character if she's been in the narrative for five years. It's a long time for a non-character to remain active. And they are correct, it was already for Caitlin to be disabled since the second season. But as I said, the first season of Flash was a mess. You know what the Barry Allen mess was, now I'm going to show Caitlin Snow's involvement in this mess.

  Why was Caitlin Snow so exploited in Season 1 and Season 2?

Now that everyone already knows that Caitlin is not a character, that she is a placenta, I assume that everyone should know who the baby was, who should be nourished by this placenta. Yes. For those who said Killer Frost. She was the target, they had grand plans for her. They planned it for an overwhelming third season, but it all went wrong. Because? Caitlin Snow.

Killer Frost's problem was that Caitlin Snow's illustration was completely wrong. Actors are illustrators of scripts. The script does not bring the depth of pain, the intensity of tears the extent of love, all emotional facets are the illustrators they provide. Writers are heavily dependent on the actors because the scripts are just words, so they make sense the illustration has to be appropriate. And that's exactly where Caitlin Snow is a failure. And also because I always say that Caitlin was never poorly written, she was poorly illustrated.

The actress failed to lead audiences in understanding her narrative. Caitlin needed subtleties to imply to the audience that there was more to it than it seemed. Killer Frost would be in those subtleties. Like Nora West-Allen. She's cute, but everyone knew there was something wrong with her. The public trusted, suspicious. Caitlin had to have this same energy. But that is not what happened. I'm going to do a review of her narrative in the first season, a little different from what you've done about it, so you can visualize it.

For those who have not noticed all the bad that happened in Caitlin's life is related to Flash. Ronnie died for the first time, because Harrison Wells blew the throttle to create Flash. She had her career ruined by her mentor, who was only using it to bring Flash to life. Ronnie came back with a gigantic and unsolved problem, it would forever be a goal, as so many others have been sacrificed to get Flash. Flash decided to travel back in time to save his mother, did not, and even created a singularity, which he could not solve. Which ultimately led to Ronnie's death.

From this perspective it becomes clear, that Caitlin's narrative goal was to produce the motivation of Killer Frost, that is, to justify her hatred for Flash. Each event: Ronnie's death, return, and ultimate death were bred to break Caitlin, they needed her ravaged, raw. Imagine if the great love of your life dies at the height of the relationship and leaves nothing, not a grave to carry flowers. And you live this pain for months. When you are learning to live with this pain, it comes back, can you calculate the joy and how blessed do you feel with a gift of this magnitude? We already loose rockets when it finds an object that already had given as lost, imagines our love, that love. Then suddenly he dies again, and like the other time, without a grave to weep. What a funny joke. If it was to take again, why brought back, why such perversity? What evil did you do to deserve this? This was Caitlin's tone, but the actress did not sell it.

What they were applying was the logic of proportionality, the more Caitlin's pain was, the more cruel Killer Frost was, the more devastated she was, the more insensitive Killer Frost would be, the more bitter Caitlin was, the more perverse Killer Frost would be. And they needed an insane Killer Frost.

However, an illustration was unfortunate, Caitlin's apathy was boring. Is one able to measure the impact of these events, in their amplitude, on it? What was the size of her love for Ronnie? If they had people looking at their heart for Barry, and one of Snowbarry's twos, or both, this love was outdated (it was not big enough to do damage) or it was not noticeable to the public (it was irrelevant). A wasted writing. 23 episodes creating a motivation and the audience did not even connect with the story.

At no moment did Caitlin glance casually at Barry, or laughed triumphantly as he witnessed their failures, and there were many. Caitlin was the usual, pessimistic and slightly melancholic. The actress did not create an environment for Killer Frost to be born. That was the reason for the writers' stress on her. They hoped the actress would understand that Caitlin needed to be a sea, with hangovers, tsunamis and tsunamis because only then would Killer Frost be powerful and incredible as they needed. And what did they get? Caitlin, a nice and tedious lake.

So responding to the question asked, Caitlin's reason for being so exploited in the first and second seasons (because they made a second attempt, now with Jay) was because their emotions were important to bequeathing the evil nature of Killer Frost.

 To be continued...

Original source https://omundonarrativa.tumblr.com/

[dichenlachmandaily]

Altered Carbon, Netflix’s new science fiction series, has no shortage of interesting female characters. Kristin Ortega, played by Mexican actress Martha Higareda, is a police officer whose grit and rebellious nature aid her in pursuing the criminals of her worn-down city. Then there’s Reileen Kawahara, played by Australian actress Dichen Lachman, a warrior with heavy emotional secrets (and killer sword skills).

During the recent press conference of the show in Seoul, South Korea, we sat down with the ladies to discuss their experience of inhabiting these larger than life individuals.  

How were you cast for Altered Carbon?

Martha: I was shooting a movie in Mexico and my agent called me. They didn’t send me the script, just a few scenes. They said put yourself on tape. They were looking for someone Latina, so they were looking in Mexico, Colombia, Los Angeles, and Spain. I remember reading it and I was so fascinated by the three scenes they sent me. So then I put myself on tape and two months later they called me asking if I wanted to audition with Joel [Kinnaman], who I’d never met. I remember thinking: “Oh no, he’s 6’2”” and I’m so tiny! I have to wear my biggest shoes. Something happened in that room while we were doing the reading. Laeta [Kalogridis, show creator] and Miguel Sapochnik [director] were there and it was just magic. We just had fun.

Dichen: I put down a tape at home while my baby was in the bedroom with a cousin who was trying to keep her quiet. I forgot about it for like three months. I didn’t hear anything and then I got a call saying they wanted me. That was it.

Laeta explained that your characters, Reileen Kawahara and Kristin Ortega, were fleshed out for the series. Did you guys collaborate with her on that?

D: I think we both collaborated with the writers and the producers. The arc of the story was pretty much cemented.

M: Laeta was always very open. She was always gunning for making everything as real and grounded as possible. Sometimes, I would read lines that would make me want to actually live in Laeta’s head for a day to see all the stuff she creates. It’s just unbelievable.

D: It’s the attention to detail that you notice when you look at her writing and the work. I think it’s a show you have to watch twice. Because there are details here and there that you don’t notice the first time. That’s what blows my mind. It’s a wealth of storytelling. It’s so complex.

There are not many Latin American characters who are at the forefront of big sci-fi outings such as this. Do you feel an extra responsibility now being an ambassador to the community?

M: Well, yes. Now I do. Absolutely. Laeta and I have this good connection. We always see the typical Latina in movies and TV, who is a tomboy. Very macho. How do we break out of that? Ortega is tough, but she’s also feminine. She’s close to her family and she knows she has to defend herself in the world. And that is a well-rounded person who I think represents my culture. We speak our mind, but we also speak with our heart.

The show deals with a lot of social issues that concern women. There’s prostitution and domestic abuse. How does the show speaking about those issues make you feel?

D: I think it’s important to sometimes show how dark we can be and show exploitation or abuse. It brings it to the table so people can talk about it. I think all women are strong because, at the end of the day, whatever position you’re in, you’re there because something happened or it’s a last resort. Or maybe it’s the only way you’re going to put food in your child’s mouth, so even though you’re being abused or manipulated, it’s all you have as an option to stay alive. We get to play the more powerful characters in terms of access to power—Ortega is a police officer, and Reileen has accumulated enough wealth. They’re powerful in different ways. There is a lot of violence toward women with some of the other characters who aren’t leads. It is uncomfortable, but I think it’s important that people see it so that we can talk about why it’s uncomfortable and why it’s wrong.

If the technology to keep someone immortal was available in real life, would you avail of it?

M: Yes! I guess it would come to a point where you’d be asking bigger questions. One of the things that’s important about the show is that we ask these questions. What happens to humanity when you get to live forever? Do you go to dark places? Would you get bored? That’s what we say on the show: all these rich people start to get bored that they start twisting their brains into creating more violence. Or do you go a spiritual route? I would definitely do it, then I could be in Joel’s body! Ha ha!

D: If anyone had access to that, would you want to do it? Yes! That’s the problem though. That’s scary. It sounds terrifying to me. If it was as easy as they make it look in the show, I think everyone would want to do it. Do I want to see my daughter have children and grandchildren? Yes. But they say life is only beautiful because we die. If you remove the element of dying, you lose something.

Tell us more about your epic fight scene together?

D: You mean, the naked fight scene. That’s what I call it.

M: I just want to say that Dichen is my hero. She really is. If you saw her on set, she was very professional. And when you’re an actor, you’re embodying this character from head to toe. And there are certain things you are required to do. In this particular scene, I just felt I was there to support Dichen because she was the one doing all the crazy stuff and she’s amazing.

D: We were both doing crazy stuff, but there were just some logistical issues with being naked. When I first heard about it, I was like, “Oh my god! I didn’t know about this before I signed on.” But I went from fear to excitement pretty quickly. First of all, when I thought about being naked in my work, I didn’t think it would be like this. I just assumed it would probably be with a man or another woman…

M: I was so lucky to be your first!

D: Ha ha! She was. Maybe this is me being small-minded, but I always assumed that if I was asked to do nudity it would be in a sexual sense. But then they were asking me to be nude in a fight scene. Not only am I in a place of strength, but who has ever done this before? I started googling “naked sword fight” and I couldn’t find anything! I was training for three months in LA with a sword. Plus, I have a baby and when I got pregnant, I put on a lot of weight and I had a lot pain as a result. After you have a baby, and you do all the things that come with having a baby, you’re less hard on yourself and on your body. It makes you grow up really fast and be less self-conscious. I realized, it was not about me, it was about the character. Would the character do this? Absolutely. Reileen would do this and more.

Altered Carbon premieres on February 2, 2018 on Netflix

[saiyanshewolf]

Anyway so I’m apparently in the minority but I loved a lot about TLJ.

1. Rey.

I have never identified with someone so much.

Let me preface this with: Kylo Ren is a manchild with anger issues who throws temper tantrums where people end up dead. He is the EPITOME of “cool motive, still murder.” I am not making excuses for Kylo Ren.

Now:

Kylo Ren is a terrible person who has done terrible things, but Rey still thinks she can save him.

I get that that is exactly why people are pissed: the fact that a female character like Rey spends the movie trying to rescue an unbalanced, hateful man like Kylo Ren. The trope of pure-girl-from-the-archetypal-light-side rescuing the dark-broody-violent-boy-from-the-archetypal-dark-side with her Goodness and Love is a very tired one indeed, and what young girls take from stories like that is that if they are good enough, if they just love them enough, if they put up with enough, the man will change.

In reality, however, that rarely (if ever) happens, and girls are often left feeling like something is wrong - that they’re not doing enough and it’s their fault that the man they’re with isn’t healing.

In TLJ, however, the point is that Rey doesn’t rescue Kylo Ren. She doesn’t save him.

But she tries.

She tries because she is a fundamentally good person. She tries because she does not want to fight when there’s a chance she can make an ally. She tries because she wants to believe the best of people. Most of all she tries because she comes to understand what turned Ben Solo into Kylo Ren.

She tries, and for a short period of time they are allies (their fight scene teamup was gorgeous and I’m not sorry).

Their alliance is short lived, however, and then Kylo Ren asks her to join him. He tells her the truth about her parents and he does it with blunt cruelty (which could come from either a place of manipulation of a place or awkwardness, but it is cruel either way; intentions, the road to hell, etc). He tells her that she is nothing and then immediately tells her that he does not think she is nothing, perhaps the most manipulative line he has (again, intentions, road to hell). In a callback to Anakin and Padme, Kylo Ren begs Rey to stay with him and rule to galaxy. And yes, he does beg. Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley’s acting was lovely in that moment; I really felt how desperately he wanted her to say yes, how deeply they both wanted someone by their sides who understood them.

And yet.

(“You’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”)

Padme’s words, not Rey’s, but they’re appropriate nonetheless. Rey cannot and will not follow Kylo Ren. She tried to help him. He failed her - like we all knew he would - but she tried.

What does she do then? What does she do when she realizes that Kylo Ren is refusing to change his ways, that he is, in fact, asking her to join him, to accommodate him?

She leaves.

Do you understand what that would have meant to my dumb, impressionable little 13 year old self?

To see a story where the girl actually leaves when the broken man she’s trying to save refuses her help?

A story where she leaves and doesn’t die shortly afterward (like Padme)? Where she doesn’t languish in misery and self-loathing afterward? Where she leaves him and makes an active effort to oppose him and all he stands for?

My entire life I’ve had a problem with wanting to fix men, to save them, because that’s what I’d been taught was my job. The media I passively consumed had normalized that kind of behavior to the point that I didn’t even begin to think twice about it until I was almost in my mid-twenties. I was made to believe that if I just stuck with them, that if I endured their bullshit and showed them how patient and loving I could be even when they were downright cruel, they would eventually change.

I endured years of shitty treatment, of straight up emotional abuse, and not a goddamn one of them ever changed.

Rey tries. She tries to help Kylo Ren because she’s a good, kind person, because she senses his pain, because she’s empathetic, and sure, maybe because she’s also a little bit naive.

She tries, and he fails her, and Rey leaves.

Rey leaves and finds the rebellion. She leaves and does something to combat the man she was trying so hard to save, because he refused her help.

It seems like a ridiculous thing to be happy about, I know. I understand if people think that the better message would be in Rey refusing to try to help him, period, and that’s certainly a valid point of view. For me personally, however, that would remove the main reason that I identified with Rey to begin with: her empathy, her desire to help others who are suffering, her ability to see the potential for good in others, no matter what.

Rey doesn’t save him. She isn’t killed by him. She isn’t destroyed by not being able to save him. It isn’t presented as some failure on her part that she doesn’t save him.

Little girl me DESPERATELY needed that particular message.

Rey trying to help Kylo Ren and leaving when he ultimately fails her is, for me personally, more powerful than if she had never tried to help him at all.

2. The multiple failures, narrow escapes, and near misses.

Rey isn’t able to break through Kylo Ren to bring Ben Solo back.

The legendary Luke Skywalker, in a moment of weakness, a moment of fear, a moment of humanness, raises his lightsaber against his sleeping nephew...and when he is caught, disaster ensues.

As a result, the Luke Skywalker that Rey finds is not who she expects him to be.

The rebels lose all their bombing fleet and are tracked across space by the First Order, having their ships picked off one by one.

Finn and Rose do not find the hacker they were looking for, and are betrayed by the hacker they do find.

Finn, Rose, and Poe’s plan to remove the tracker and escape the First Order fails.

The First Order picks off the rebels’ transport ships as they try to escape.

The base the rebels escape to is decrepit and they are essentially trapped there waiting to be killed; many more of them are killed as they try to take down the ram.

Almost every single turn of the story seems hopeless. General Leia herself admits to giving up hope.

Until Luke Skywalker gets his shit together long enough to exploit Kylo Ren’s weakness, buying them time to escape...and even then there is the disappointment that it isn’t “really” Luke, that the concentration required saps him so completely that he dies.

Even when the rebels do try to escape, their path is blocked, leaving them vulnerable.

Until Rey appears...and lifts the rocks.

There is very little hope to be had in TLJ, but there is hope. There is always hope, no matter how faint.

That, I think, is a very good and very important message...particularly given the current political climate.

Which brings me to...

3. The way TLJ paints its villains and the way it chose to portray the ultra-rich.

Snoke was a frightening villain. Snoke was an intelligent villain...to a point.

Snoke underestimated Kylo Ren...which ought to make Kylo Ren a more frightening villain, but that isn’t what happens.

Kylo Ren killing Snoke really illustrates the selfishness and self absorption inherent in the dark side, I think. Snoke didn’t believe that Kylo Ren would dare. He does dare, however, and he does kill Snoke. It’s almost too easy...almost anti-climatic.

Snoke was a frightening villain, but he was self absorbed enough not to see his own death coming...thus he is replaced by Kylo Ren, who is really not a frightening villain at all. We have only to look at Hux to see that: he refers to Kylo Ren as Supreme Leader only under the duress of being force-choked, and even after that he is barely able to conceal his irration with Kylo Ren’s petulant demands to fire everything they have on a single man; he even makes a snarky comment to the effect of “Do you think you got him?”

Would anyone speak to Darth Vader like that? (As in original trilogy Vader, prior to the context of the prequels.)

Darth Vader was terrifying. Kylo Ren is not. You’re meant to hate him, but...

A lot of people who are fond of characters like Kylo Ren don’t hate him because they understand why he turned to the dark side. I myself tend to fall into this category with a lot of villains. I don’t defend what these characters have done (cool motive, still murder) but I do believe that understanding the why makes them more interesting characters. I’m not going to get into a debate about “is it okay to like villainous characters” because that’s not something I’m interested in, but this view seems to focus on the fact that Kylo Ren is a fictional character, rather than who that character would be as a real person.

For others, I think that hatred of Kylo Ren as a villain manifests as a really dull, disgusted sort of hatred: he’s angry, volatile, angsty, and violent, a manchild who throws temper tantrums at the slightest provocation. There’s little real fear there, and what fear there is is full of that same disgust, almost as if you’re disgusted that you have to be afraid of such a person.

That being said...what kind of people are running our country right now? Yeah.

I also really enjoyed the scenes on the gambling planet and how all the ultra-rich assholes there were very obviously portrayed as exploitative assholes. There’s not much else for me to say on that point. It was pretty thinly veiled.

TLJ is, I think, a movie about not giving in, no matter what. (“Never tell me the odds.”) Rose and Finn don’t give in even when the First Order literally has their boots on the backs of their necks. Rey doesn’t give in when Luke first refuses her and she doesnt give in to Kylo Ren no matter how much she wants to help him; Luke gives in to his moment of fear, and then later on doesn’t give in to the fear that has been keeping him uninvolved for so long. The rebellion itself never, ever, ever gives in despite incredible, overwhelming losses.

...but all that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while. again. but i am getting better at writing more again.

i think i feel really lost and confused.

i think i really miss jeanne and andrew and sofia and david. i miss being with people i dont really need to think with. sometimes it’s awkward but usually it’s fun. we can just chill and laugh together and talk about whatever and be blunt and unfiltered and it’s okay. we express concerns and listen intently to one another and when push comes to show, we’re there for each other. i just wish i could be there for them more.

i think ive been trying really hard to be there for people bc it’s my job to do so or bc i feel like i need to in order to be enough. to be accepted and a part of the community when in reality, it hasnt been helping anyone. i havent been genuine and i do want to be. 

this past week, even though it may not seem like it, ive been trying to take a step back. i did stay for a bit on sunday but i didnt stay to play soccer with everyone. im tired of trying so hard to force myself into the community. i just want it to happen organically. nothing good will come of it if i just try and force it. honestly, i felt kind of hurt that david and joyce didnt want to share their struggles with me bc i thought we were close but i also needed to remind myself that if i really love them, i would just want the best for them. whether or not that includes me in the picture. and ive been constantly trying to remind myself of that. of course, i want to hangout with them more. of course, i want to be closer with them. but at the end of the day, i just want to serve them bc i care for them so much. i am so beyond grateful that I can witness and experience God’s love in my own life and what a gift it is indeed. 

so often, people confide in my deep feelings and secrets and im generally pretty good at not breaking that trust. but every time in those instances, i want to share the love of God with them but I don’t want them to just think im taking advantage of them or exploiting their feelings. i want them to know that im sharing bc i genuinely care and only want the best for them.

i started chatting with a woman in the Ravenclaw group who felt alone and was seeking help. and i think i was able to help just by being there for her and listening to her and letting her know im here. and i felt afraid to share. but honestly, what do i have to lose? this is some random lady to whom i have no mutual friends with. i dont even know where she lives or how old she is or anything about her and she doesnt know anything about me either. all we know are the deep things we’ve shared with each other. i have nothing to lose if she turns against me as a result of me sharing my faith. and ultimately, God is in control. Not me. Nothing I say will bring her to Christ. It is only through Christ that that is possible. The best I can do is pray for her. She is so broken and lost and confused and doesn’t know what to do. I am so limited in my own understanding and knowledge and I can only help so much. But what I can do is share the good news with her. So without thinking about what I was saying I did. And she hasn’t responded. I don’t know how she took it. Maybe shes crying on her knees in worship to God. Maybe she was super turned off by the sudden religious turn I made and doesn’t want to make to me anymore. Regardless, I shared the gospel with her. And I can only hope I was able to help. But from here, it is all in God’s hands. The best I can do is to just be used by Him and serve in whatever way I can.

When I hangout with my school friends, I’m a way worse person. I gossip a lot more and feel angry and triggered much more often. But it’s easy. I always want to defend Mulan whenever we shit on her but I’m always afraid of being outcasted. I’m stepping down from e-board anyway though so what do I have to lose? But I was hanging out with them yesterday and I defended Mulan and we all felt a lot calmer after that. After just trying to be understanding of her situation and what shes gone through. I want to share the gospel with her and push her to Christ but I am worried how she’ll react and slander my name. But that is to be expected in such a liberal environment. I just want to help in any way that I can.

As of late, I’ve been feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself and felt unworthy of love. Because I always know that I can do better. I can do more. If I just managed my time a little better or put a little more effort in or was a little more present or a little more involved or something. I know I can do better. But I don’t. I still sleep 7+ hours. I still eat out all the time. I still do all of these things that prevent me from doing better. I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork and my school friends. I’ve been neglecting my studies and responsibilities as a student just so I may better serve the church. And I think that is still important but I need to re-assess a lot. I don’t want to hangout with my school friends more just because it is easier and I have more in common with them. But at the same time, I do really enjoy it and I think I’m a lot happier when I can just relax. I do want to focus on investing more into my Christian Club friends and building a strong Christ-based community at my school before my time ends. I know that my school friends tend to be toxic and encourage alcoholism and smoking and 

And my heart really breaks for Finn. I want to share the love of God with them but I know that their mom disowned them because of their Catholic beliefs. I’m sure they feel extremely bitter towards God right about now because in their mind, He is the cause of their mother’s disapproval. And I can’t answer the topic of LGBTQ+ within a Christian context. But I just want to share the Father’s love with Him and just hope that God will speak volumes into their heart.

I’m worried about becoming an alcoholic because I am constantly looking for something to distract me from my own pain and suffering instead of turning my eyes to God. I’ve been using media to drown everything out. Watching endless YouTube videos that bring me no joy or satisfaction but distract me from my demons and the reality of the situation. And until I get over that, I will never be free from using alcohol as a clutch. I need to get into the habit of turning my eyes to God instead. And just trusting Him with everything I am. Honestly, I feel lonely. There aren’t many females to look up to or rely on at church. I do adore Jason and P. Josh and I want to be there for them too. But there are some things I can’t discuss with them and I don’t think we ever could go super deep because of the gender barrier. I’ve been sexually harassed on the train. I’m so much more afraid of being kidnapped and raped than I am of being killed. I want to reach out to the homeless but I know they could overpower me pretty easily and I’ve been too trusting in the past. And as guys, they don’t get that. I’m sad that Amanda is leaving because she’s the one person I could probably build this relationship with. But even when I have no one else and cannot rely on the people on Earth, I can always turn my eyes to God. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I was shook but this verse that we read during the conference call today and it has been recurring as of recent. I remember having to memorize it for retreat in middle school. I remember Loren sharing it with me after the Harvest festival. I remember reading into my Meyer’s Briggs personality verses. And here it was again. I remember these moments so clearly. I am weak and broken and imperfect and flawed. But through Christ, may I gain confidence and be used as holistically as I possibly can be. Through and by Him and through Him alone.

I was listening to Come as You Are before this and at first I was nervous that my new friend wouldn’t like it because of the voice or something but the more I listened to it, the more truly the words rang within me. And this is what I need to do. There is rest for the weary. There is no sin that Heaven can’t heal. I need to lay down my burdens and my shame. And just give it all up to God because I can’t do this without Him. I can’t. I want to help. I want to do all of these things. But it is only through and by Him that anything is possible.

God, this is my prayer to you. That you would continue to provide me with guidance back to the right path and that my heart would continue to break for what breaks yours.

Amen.

[whatsgodgottodowithreligion-blog]

Wounded Healers of the World, Unite!

In the dedication to my book, What’s God Got To Do With It, I wrote:

“To the wounded, and the wounded healers. Know that we are one and the same”

That wasn’t some clever turn of phrase or play on words - with that statement I was articulating a basic truth that we are either unaware of, or unconsciously forget as we go about the business of daily living. Now, some of us have been exceptionally wounded: through neglect, violence, and physical/emotional abuse we suffered either at the hands of our caretakers, and/or by the ones we have shared intimate relationships with. Some personal growth gurus are fond of saying that we attract those relationships, however damaging, so that we may learn the lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. 

Sorry folks, but I’m gonna stray into heretical territory when I tell you that personally, I find that to be complete and utter bullshit. True, as adults, many of us attract negative or destructive relationships into our lives (either through the familiarity of our personal backstory, or because we have been ingrained to believe those are the only kind of relationships we are worthy of having). But to say that those of us who have survived horrific abuses at the hands of parents/guardians/relatives/clergy needed those experiences to make us better persons is yet another platitude, however new-agey, used to explain that which is unfathomable in any empathic capacity. This doesn’t mean we can’t overcome such trauma, and even emerge victorious from our “baptism by fire”, but any suggestion of a conscious or metaphysical contract on our part to invite such abuse is a dangerous hypothesis to make.

The concept of the “wounded healer” is an allegory common to both Christian theology and traditional literature. It is a common theme because it is relatable and real: we all know stories of people who have overcome tremendous odds and psychological scars to give back to their communities, to share messages of hope and love, and to minister to those disenfranchised and often ignored. Even those individuals whose background involves less heinous transgressions put upon them have gone on to utilize those “lessons” in proactive ways to improve and uplift the lives of many suffering in present tense from similar circumstances. Often, grace is displayed by those whom we’d never believe to have suffered in any detrimental fashion, and yet have.

When I attended/presented at this year’s Wild Goose Festival, I met an angel of grace in the most (seemingly) unlikely of places. The headline performer on the main stage this year was none other than “Queen of Christian Pop”, Amy Grant. Amy’s trajectory from teenaged Contemporary Christian music artist to 80′s crossover pop star to bluegrass/gospel darling is a fascinating one, and yet many in attendance had an understandable enthusiasm toward her “VH-1 era” crossover hits, and her pop covers of 60′s chestnuts like “Put A Little Love In Your Heart” and “Turn, Turn, Turn.” Through a two-hour set on a ridiculously muggy night, under oppressive bright spotlights and swarms of insects attracted to such light, Amy remained poised, engaging, unflappable, even amusing - joking through both the annoyance and discomfort of contending with the elements.

Prior to the night’s stellar concert, I found that Amy and her “entourage of two” were camping in an RV just a few feet from where I was: while most past artists sought accommodations at the nearby (and considerably more civilized) Laughing Heart Lodge, Amy showed her humility in ways that still leave me scratching my head - brushing her teeth/hair in the communal sinks, singing and playing her guitar during Beer and Hymns, and being incredibly approachable to fans introduced to her by WGF Executive Director Jeff Clark. To give you an example of how modest and unassuming Amy was, when I stopped by the RV parked next door to re-connect and say hi to Jeff, I was completely clueless that the striking country gal he was talking with was none other than Grant herself.

On the final day of the Festival, Amy did a morning interview on the main stage, prior to our Sunday service. Moderator Chris Hauser asked the usual questions about her career and personal triumphs - at one point, I was waiting for Chris to exclaim, “AMY GRANT - THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Do you remember this voice from your past?” Thankfully, that didn’t happen. But he did play a voice from her past - it was a recording of a young Amy singing her first CCM hit, “My Father’s Eyes.” Needless to say, the 50-something year old Grant was a little embarrassed to hear her fourteen year old self singing that tune, and she was quite candid in her self critique. She said the tune was not very remarkable, her voice wasn’t that great - that there were dozens of female singers struggling to break into the industry whom she considered to be exceedingly more talented than she. 

She reflected on how she felt during those ‘early years’ in her career - in shock that so many folks saw a talent in her that, in her own mind, was hardly worth fussing over. Even forty years later, she remained astonished that so many folks treated her with kindness and encouragement, did not try to exploit her or physically take advantage of her - how blessed she was to have been surrounded by so many talented professionals who not only took a genuine interest in her, but wanted to see her succeed in a business that is not always known for having nice guys (and gals) finish first. Then, as her voice grew softer and more somber, she confessed to the crowd that for many, many years, she was plagued with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. She never believed she was worthy of the early acclaim, the accolades, the success. She felt she was not up to the task, that the bar was being somehow lowered to allow her to perform and be in the spotlight. 

Now, it’s a given that many in the entertainment field chose creative expression precisely to overcome such feelings of low-esteem and unworthiness (as evidenced by the tragic endings of Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin, John Belushi and Anthony Bourdain), but it was refreshing, even revelatory to hear that a woman who is a pillar of Contemporary Christian music, a woman who did not fall prey to drugs, bed-hopping or other vices, a woman who essentially led a sheltered life, and was sheltered from those temptations in an industry rife with them, would still have a personal demon - her own feelings of low self-worth and insecurity to deal with. She spoke about her marriage to fellow musician/songwriter Gary Chapman in 1992 (which produced three children), and her feelings of anger and betrayal when the couple divorced in 1999. It was an admission that caught me totally off guard, and I was floored by her honesty and transparency in sharing such an obviously difficult period in her life. But it also reminded me of our collective humanity - hers, as well as mine.

During the Sunday service, Amy sang “Better Than A Hallelujah” (from her 2010 release, Somewhere Down The Road) while a queer pastor officiated over the Eurcharist, then Amy, alongside progressive pastor Jacqui Lewis assisted in giving out communion. For some reason, I felt compelled to stand in the line where Amy was, and after receiving the bread and eating it, I hugged her and said, “I want you to know that what you said earlier really touched me. You are the last person that I would think would struggle with issues of low self-esteem. It really meant a lot to me to hear you say that, as I have been struggling with the wounds of my abuse for most of my adult life. God Bless You.” Amy could hear both the pain and sadness in my voice, and she ‘ministered’ to me with compassion and love. She thanked me for sharing what i said with her, and gave me a blessing before moving onto the next congregant waiting to be served the body of Christ.

In that one brief exchange I felt many things: grief, a depth of sadness I was not prepared to visit, but I also felt she understood, she cared, and I felt a psychic affirmation from her that what I went through was painful, that she appreciated being taken into her confidence, and most of all, that I mattered to her. Her, Amy Grant reminded me that I mattered. Even as I write this, I find it hard to stir up those emotions, but I do so because it is important that I convey to you, on an intimate level, what it means to be both wounded, and a wounded healer. I felt like kindred spirits with Amy during that exchange, like we had both had our share of baggage, and that in the end, we were both resolute survivors. We both understood that God had a larger plan for us, and we were going to do our best to fulfill that, and follow our inner voice. Throughout her professional and personal life (she has been married to country’s Vince Gill since 2000, and they share a daughter together), Amy has been the embodiment of good Christian values. I was not surprised to learn of the outreach she was doing on her ranch in the Tennessee mountains - utilizing her property to hold retreats and such - it made perfect sense given what I know about her now.

The reason I wrote the book in the first place was that I recognized that many people have been bruised by religion - the capricious application of it by equally wounded ‘followers’, how judgment and condemnation have pulled us from our humanity, instead of compassion and forgiveness drawing us toward it. I knew it was wrong, and needed to change. I knew it needed someone to call out such hypocrisy and brutality. I wanted to reach out to all those wounded souls and say, “Hey - God loves you. You’re here for a reason. Stop judging others, and say “Enough!” to the judgment foisted upon you by others. Respond to their ignorance with love.” John Lennon sang, “Love is the answer, and you know that for sure.” Don’t ever forget that you, in all your wounded brokenness have a gift to share with the world. And, if we could see in each other, that which we know lives inside our own souls, maybe, just maybe, we can move toward healing others, and by extension, be healed through them. For we are all one and the same.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 19

Maybe I can speed up the present. All I can think about is how I'm going to dominate the art world. I guess that's kind of fucked up? I feel dizzy and like my blood sugar is low. My body must look so disgusting I'm always burping. I must be disgusting that's why Ariel never hits me up All I can think about is how I want an art empire that is accessible to people of all races and social classes And how I want this sandwich I'm about to go eat. I'm so much fatter than I was when I was 18 that's why Ariel never hits me up anymore!!! :(__(_((((( It's really not worth beating myself up over. Pretty sure I got a yeast infection from fucking him anyway. * Why does my back hurt so much why does everything hurt why is life pain. when have I gotten to the point where I can hold all my pain and all my ecstasy at the same time, for one moment and then the moment ends and I'm back on the train again trying to make time go faster. If I was decaying I would look like black and pus and torn flesh, strips of flesh covering what once was my body. She killed me and left me in the woods to die. Put me in the back of her trunk. Headlights were right blue. Righteous and it was..she thought it was good.  I wasn't either dissatisfied, but isn't dying to hurt and be sad? I could spit black tar right here and people would probably just turn away in disgust, I could vomit up maggots, yeah girl its the same as it is for you too. I don't want you anymore he always wanted me. I'm taking you with me. Now we are dead. It came to me in a flash I had a divine vision. Of music. And being alone. * The boy means everything to me I got him in the corner of my sleeve, oh the bend of my elbow i lean on the table looking over at you I see the empty glass it magnifies you I'm ready I'm ready we're starting again, you're starting to break my heart again * Male exclusivity needs to die. Some men really can't be around women if they aren't fucking someone it seems. Ugh. Get away from me. Wake the fuck up. Sorry that everyone made us think that our bodies alone are sexual and need to be covered. I do so many non sexual things with my body. Americans can tend to being lethargic. I'm so angry * Im all caught in vines . sleeping time leaks the day its dripping in green and surrounding me. Phonetically speaking I think your words have more meaning than you realize Pick it up again inspired by my friends and I'm feeling feeling so good. Pack up your bags and take a vacation take yourself to rockaway * There's nothing special about me I bet you could compare me to any other girl in the world and id seem just the same, got a pretty face and her head isn't too bad either. And if you asked me today id say I don't think nothing special about me neither but id tell you what I know, that I'm the girl who would love you the most. * The praise on the water sought after colorful lights and pure tones Praise phoning in for a second chance in glasses cracked in the pavement red warring the light and wearing it as a disguise, praise be had, our Lord has grown old * Y stomach is too full its so full but I'm hungry and I don't have the energy to digest. I never needed to eat that much * So excited to be your own boss until the app doesn't give you work!! I'm gonna stop acting like I'm not doing things for a reaction or to make people think something of me. I am. Including playing music I am almost to the point where I dont have near anxiety attacks from eating around people. Proud of myself Taking kindness at surface level only is probably not going to cause any progress. Take all of me, baby. Even if I'm mean from time to time. I'm not okay with people's boundaries being broken in a monogamous relationship. But I don't really believe in monogamous relationships. Maybe I'm just cynical but it seems like there are too many rules. Or maybe it's all a ploy to lure guys in because they'll think I'm easygoing but I'm not I want to tell everyone every single one of my thoughts that sounds like a fun game * Jonathan is on my mind I've always had a craving for a good hearted musician and someone who will counter my unbalance, prince charming rides in on a horse, who brought the horse into the street who's mans is that? Are they getting with the plan do they understand or do you only like me because i have connections to new dimensions * I'm in love with nothing This haunting feeling Like I know what comes next I'm in love with nothing There's a hole in my heart when its growing apart it gets darker and smaller and I'm falling in love with you again * It isn't fair he will never hear me. He will never see me or understand me, when the mere sight of him sends me spinning away from anything easy to feel, I'm feeling so dreary one second and the next I got jets on my feet, flying over the moon cause I'm so in love with you * I just enjoy Jonathan is my whole heart!! One day he will know * Songs to write out Gracias a la vida Stormy weather Good morning heartache Lover man where can you be April in Paris * I want to tell people how hard my life is! * My song for you This is my song for you I like everything you do When I see you its like a cool breeze graced me with unending presently waiting pleasant and unchanging you seem stable to me, and I even like you when you're rocky. I like the lyrics I like the melody, you're like music, lets make a baby And live together In the city and very far. We can have two houses and even a car This is my song for you I like everything you do When I realized it was you Wrap it in red and a bow, kiss my head, after your show I know I can be a hard one to break, I've heard all these stories of heart break, what do I choose, what to listen, use or lose. But I know when I'm with you my dreams start coming true * Deep desires Understand the universe. Have someone accompany me in my sadness and despair. I want to come back together I want to feel enlightened I want everyone to feel goddamned enlightened I'm definitely willing to open up portals make everyone realize we are collectively manifesting our reality I want everyone in new York city to know my name nova luz, the body inhabited by us. She needs a companion. Lets get her a partner or two. * How do i really feel about the boys that I think I love? My Spanish tongue isn't too sharp....I wish...shit man, you just have to try harder to get it right. Laser mind. Not tonight. Michael is the name of an angel and no matter how hard I try or how much I'm thinking about Jonathan I still wonder about Michael and we spent more time together than Jonathan and I ever have. Fuck me. What are either of them up to? Why do neither of them talk to me. Haven't seen either one in weeks. I think I feel like I'm attached or in love. No matter how hard I try to forget...not trying hard enough you stupid fucking cunt! You're so fucking weak nova!. I wish someone knew how much I fucking hate myself sometimes I don't get why I just internalize this and nobody can ever know and its always a dead end fall off a cliff and snap your spine on the rocks before you drown and are pummeled by the waterfall FUCK. I think about them every day I wish I had a boyfriend, but malificence red lipped and hooded with festering infections on her skin, she's standing in the way, she's guarding the little red dog in my heart, the little puppy with forgetful parents, crying and underfed in an alley way alone, you only care about the way it looks. The loving puppy. Loving little dog I love you so much I love you no matter what even if you took a knife to my throat severed my veins and rendered my body a corpse I would still love you. Shit man that's fucking intense. That's a part of me that needs some help. The unconditionally loving part.....have I been deceived? I feel as though she has been deceived, and people always want to exploit her loving nature. This is the world I live in today. What if I wake up tomorrow on another planet? Is my boyfriend going to be there? If it was a planet with fruit orchards brightly colored things little houses and healthy atmosphere I would be down. Since I'm making it up, my boyfriend is there too. He loves me and we only need each other. I love him so much it fills me with fullness and vibrancy. He loves me so much. We spend most of our time together enjoying the planet, and sometimes we cook a big feast together for our friends and they come over and we all play music and drink wine * I guess now is an appropriate time to work on my issues with jealousy right? Actually...maybe ill wait What if it was a giant poetic metaphor? Green goop spilling from my heart and getting stuck in my pelvis..melting out of my pelvis out onto the floor. My physical my non physical. Non psychic but spiritual. Elephants from India are a shymbol for wealthy. And poor. Bread. Winning. Happy family. Sad family. Bread. Okay Maybe now I can work on my massive jealousy issues. Okay I'm going to start by listing scenarios that make me jealous Any female speaks to a boy that I like (level 10 code red situation) Someone's life looks shinier than mine Julia's in middle eastern vogue My friends have things that I want Other people have things that I want Other peoples bands are playing at cooler venues I am literally not a musician my name is Harriet and I never leave my apartment. Yo these sensory hallucinations are too much sometimes. That was a side note. I think my biggest issue is that when I am into someone in a romantic way, I get really upset when I see them talking to like, anyone of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex with Ursula. Or when someone is skinnier than me. Sometimes I get jealous cause of that which is not allowed because I am not allowed to have an eating disorder. Why is Julia getting so much attention while simultaneously being underweight and anorexic??? Noooo oh my god is she okay? Is everyone else okay?? Why is that allowed are you people fucking retarded? I can't do these things without having a million other thoughts. But I'm breaking the surface which is something. This is a deep fear for me I don't intend to leave unchecked. * I want somebody to love. I think writing all this sad lonely poetry can't be helping kts hard not to hate yourself sometimes. I wish someone was reading this. I really want a boyfriend so badly but I'm resisting it because in want it to be Jonathan so I'm waiting for him and ignoring everyone else.that's scary I don't know where he's at. He never talks to me. I want to smash glass bottles over his head for being so detached Fuck you!!! He never talks to him I mean me but I think about him pretty much every day.this hurts Why am I being like this? Lately everything I do is to get his attention. I want to cry. I hardly get any attention from him this is ripping me up inside.I just keep these fantasies in my head and I fall in love with them but it's an illusion I'm in love with an illusion. This hurts my chest. All I want is his attention and he isn't giving me any!!! I should turn around and walk the other way but I know I wont because I'm still in my fantasies that we are the same and that he gets weird crazy visions as well and that I was a part of his. I think I'm going to be wrong. My heart.. * I'm hitting the resin in my pipe again. And writing semi cohesive notes about my feelings. Am I using boys as a distraction from my problems? Why do I always want someone to hear the most insecure parts of me....I always always share my deep insecurities, like, first before we even get to know each other. What a weird kind of flirting style that's so weirded out by myself. Like, why? Do I not realize that most people are too in denial to accept insecurities in someone else? Especially in a package as cute as a nova. I have some pretty great ideas in my head..heart..butt..whatever...all of me......... Dot dot dot * Feeling A poem by nova luz palaquibay brener Written in September of 2017 I can feel everything. Mannequin pussy is famous they were in new York Times and rolling stone and a bunch of other big name publications. In happy for them. Not like when Julia's thing got famous. Even though I didn't spend a ton of time with any of these people, they changed my life. I still feel a little intimidated by that world, by the professional world and its cutthroat attitude. I don't really like it or want to participate. I just wanna have a nice apartment with a nice boy and wake up at 7 am every day. I still want to play rock music Its fun Mannequin pussy has that song where Marissa goes "I'm feeling it all I gotta get home I gotta get up" I'm feeling it all I'm feeling it all I just want to share a room with a nice boy and Rowan can come too And we can have small shows where we support each other for the things we love about each other and we still love each other when the other one is being an asshole. I don't like thinking of myself in a negative way. It feels bad. I'm very childish. I'm insecure that the things I do aren't big enough. That's stupid. I'm mad at my mom for always acting like everything was a huge deal. Like, nothing was ever just chill and normal everything was something. I'm childish inside * September 7 2017 Dear j boxer, There are actually several thousand things I would like to be saying to you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and lose you. Oh my god. You make me so nervous. Did you realize?at flowers for all occasions. I have never been more stressed out at a show in my life. I was hyper focused on what you might be thinking of me. I want to pour out all the imbalance I feel and you can watch it run down into the drains Yes I still think about that. And don't think that the only side of me is erratic and unbalanced and bad, everyone has so many sides. I know you think the way i play is interesting. I know I can play well. I feel like I am everything when I think about you. I think about you every day. Would you still love me when I am nervous and insecure? Love me like this or you'll never love me at all, you can only leave me if you don't love me like this, my all. My heart. Sometimes I get chest pains What do you think about me? My dream partner is someone I can put together shows with. but not ordinary shows. I don't know. But it would be something. I can envision my dream partner: active, healthy, compassionate, loving, open, creative, enjoys sex, kisses my neck. Is it fair to tell you this? Am I asking too many questions? Is it fair that I want to tell you all this but we haven't exchanged a single word in weeks? I can't explain it, its a feeling in my body, it feels so electrifying I don't ever want to stop. I'm sorry I have to test you so much. I can't help it. I think I'm like that with everyone. I wonder what you are doing now? If I said I wasn't feeling good would you sit with me in the park and put your arm on my shoulders? Even when my eyes are puffy and dry? * I don't know there's a vacuum in my heart and silver worms that live inside the vacuum, ever present resilient love the lasting energy in my blood, that they feed off of. Freed some space for their babies I know it couldn't be any other way, but sometimes I resent my mother for leading me to believe this. Because my religion is based in pain, my suffering will cleanse my sins and if you don't know then you must be unclean, I got to tell you how I see it. Everyone is looking at me Cause there's maggots in my heart, I can feel them squirming around, I can feel the top shell of muscle straining to get ahead of them to get on top of them, maggots squirming around in my heart, eating my muscles. My mind is unfocused. All I can see is misery. But its okay. The lord wants me to be this way. With a red-skinned entity hanging onto my shoulders and telling me "no, don't go there, you dog". Maggots in my heart. Maggots eating my heart * September 8 2017 Dear Jonathan Hi, how are you? Its been a couple of weeks since we last met. I am pretty much still the same. Hopefully I'm going to get a job teaching kids! Maybe one day you will fall in love with me. What have you been thinking of since I last saw you?do you want to tell me? Do you think about me? Do you want to hold hands? Can I kiss you in the dark on the street? Can I kiss you in front of people? I'm trying really hard not to take things too fast. Part of me really believes you and I are the same person. I really like how you make me feel..I always think about what it would be like to fuck you again. I really want to. I think I will. But there's one thing I'm wondering. Like what kind of relationship do you want? Do you like the idea of having me around or is this like "ill see you when I see you" No it can't just be fine I have insane feelings about you I need to know. I can be fine with what you want..I just want to know I'm not gonna hurt myself falling for you when I don't need to. If I'm just living on the promise of what I think you and I could be, I need to know if I'm right, right? Oh shit this doesn't sound good I'm spiraling into a panic. Oh god. Just tell me if you want to be with me!! Sorry I kind of get these intense insecurities. Then I like to wallow in them. Love me? Hah. To not end this letter on a sad desperate note, I will say the following: I like how you look I think you are very handsome, I like how you sing and play even when you lose your focus you sound amazing to me, I want to kiss you all over be naked with you and have my chest against yours, and feel your arms. I hope you don't mind me saying I love you and that I have a lot of love for you in my heart because I am insatiably attracted to you, and I also think you are kind but distant, and I think you are very loving and radical in your ideology, but you aren't annoying and liberal and show-offy about it. I like how much you know about music and music history, I think you are really smart. I want to kiss you all over. I feel so passionate when I think about you. It feels like you live in my heart and that's why I love you. I really really want to tell you. I don't know what could happen I just need to fuck you. I want you so badly, body and soul and mind. * August 9 Honey I want to marry you I love your sweet and bitter tastes Even on your sour days You make me believe That all my desires can be mine And I know my heart is true When I'm near you Yes I may have immense pools of jealousy, but honey, its nothing to me, when you bring me back home In a sentimental way, I say, oooooohhh you're too good for me The way we play together Like in our youth I feel like our life is a union, oh know honey I want to be true to only you We spend our days rushing around But I dream of a night where, without a sound I can slip into bed next to you, and you will hold me close, you're then the only other person I need to know, you're my everything Oh my honey I love you, you know I do, I would spend my days working for you, because I do love all the things you do And at night when the moods right, ill look into your eyes and say my sweetie, you know I love you.

[noodles-doodles01]

THIS but also I want to talk about the generational trauma that follows the greens specifically when it comes to Alicent’s pain being left unattended. Because of this constant use as a pawn Alicent has no clue how to comfort any of her kids.

We see it in ep 2 when she goes to see Helaena. We know Alicent feels for her and deeply grieved for her daughter, but when it came to actually talking about it she simply mentioned the funeral (“sometimes we have to pretend” felt so telling), and you can tell it’s almost like Alicent is speaking to a younger version of herself. But then when she sees Helaenas distress she simply asks about her and Cole, which is eating her up with guilt.

Aemond suffers from emotional incest which we saw in s1 when they were looking for Aegon or even after he lost his eye. It takes a peak when we see him with the woman who abused him as a child, in a fetal position venting about things you’d talk to a mother to as she stroked his hair. They even are pouring warm milk into a cup, because Alicent doesn’t pay him attention unless she needs something or he needs to support her. And I feel like that’s one thing that drives his anger this season (another post).

Aegon was bawling his eyes out and crying over the death of his son and probably the intense pressure of being king. I don’t doubt Otto’s words had a bite to them, as much as they are true. Alicent walks into the room and sees him fidgeting with his ring much like she did with her nails, and you can see she wants to comfort but because she doesn’t know how, she leaves.

Just pain leading to more pain.

Helaena having a panic attack after being forced to publicly expose her grief…Rhaenyra as a grown woman admitting that she never completely trusted her groomer/abuser…Alicent accepting that her and her daughter are nothing but pawns to be used by men who benefit from their pain and grief…“I have been a piece that you moved about the board.”

My heart will always be with the women of this show.