#female anguish

[thugbambi]

[analee-rose-valentine]

Female rage this, female insanity that, female hysteria etc etc etc…

I’m coining #female anguish

Bc it is a deep rooted anguish that weighs ur soul down daily. A man looks at u, what does he want? Is he judging? Worse?

U carry burdens and secrets to the grave bc women are expected to be strong even when they are shattered completely

So we carry the burden of anguish of knowing the world isn’t for us despite our intelligence or power. We can prove ourselves over and over and still it won’t mean a damn thing.

I’m the eldest daughter and I raised my siblings and took care of my father’s household. Imagine if I could’ve been a child when I was meant to be, maybe I’d be better adjusted.

Stop forcing girls to grow up before they’re ready. Maybe then the future girls won’t carry so much anguish over what’s been stolen and can never be returned.

[life-imitates-art-far-more]

L. A. Ring (1854-1933) "Evening. Death and the Old Woman" (1887) Oil on canvas Symbolism

[delicatebarness]

bring him home | chapter two

Summary: After you decide to come out of your room again, you get back to your Avenging work.

Warning: MCU Spoilers. A lot of grief and sadness. Mind Wiping & torture.

Word Count: 1274

Spotify Playlist | Tips

Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N: I tried to use as much of the OG Bring Him Home story in this one. Also, oops I changed the schedule time because I’m impatient.

Tags: @wintrsoldrluvr | @mostlymarvelgirl |

Another month passed, and you felt like you were no further forward except for the fact that you now left your room more often. You spent hours with Natasha and Steve surrounded by stacks of missing person reports. They worked diligently beside you, their focus unwavering as they documented each case. 

You couldn’t shake the feeling of anger within you as you combed through the reports. Each name and face represents a life lost, swallowed by a mad titan. 

“He meant half, didn’t he?” you muttered, your tone laced with bitter venom. The whisper sliced through the silence like a knife. “Stupid, Purple, Prick!”

Your words startled your sister and Steve, their gazes snapped toward you with concern. It was rare that you expressed animosity. 

 “Hey, you okay?” Nat’s voice cut the tension, her eyes softened with empathy as she put the case she was reading down. You offered a noncommittal hum in response, you sniffed and blinked back tears as they threatened to spill over.

After a beat, Steve’s gentle voice broke through the heavy atmosphere without breaking his concentration on a report. “He loved you, you know,” he said, his words carrying a new weight of their own. “I spent years watching him with girls growing up, and he never looked at them the way he did you.” 

He lifted his gaze to meet yours, the sincerity in his eyes brightening a faint glimmer of solace. Deep down, you knew the truth. Bucky’s affection for you had always been unmistakable, even when he was brainwashed, no one could deny the connection.

You shot him a small smile, as you nodded in acknowledgment. Then, the three of you resumed your task, determined to sift through every last detail. 

As the hours passed, you began to grow exhausted, the weariness of the long day and night taking its toll. Your eyelids grew heavy, Natasha noticed the telltale sighs, the same you’ve had since you were both children. She reached out to gently nudge your shoulder.

“You need some rest,” she said, her voice soft with a note of concern. “It’s okay to take a break.”

Steve nodded in agreement, his expression mirroring Natasha’s concern. “She’s right,” he added. “We’ve got this,” he gestured to the rest of the reports that you hadn’t quite got to yet.

With a sigh, you nodded, allowing them both to take over as you retreated up to your bedroom. You sank into your bed, not worrying about getting changed or washing your face, and closed your eyes.

~

As time passed, you were dragged deeper into the Red Room’s web, your innocence chipped away as you were molded into their weapon.

During your teen years, you began to think you had grown accustomed to the brutal realities of the Red Room, you had witnessed horror. It was around this time you were assigned a mission, one that had been deemed crucial by your handlers. They made it clear that failure wasn’t an option.

You carried out your mission with precision, listened to every order, and stayed quiet. However, circumstances beyond your control led to your mission failing. You knew your punishment would be awaiting your arrival back at the Red Room. 

What you didn’t expect was to witness the Winter soldier undergoing a punishment of his own.

Your handlers escorted you toward a room you never knew existed, you caught his gaze as you walked past a window peering into it. He was sat in a large chair surrounded by machinery in the center. To your surprise, they stopped and gestured for you to enter the room.

The Winter Soldier’s expression was impassive, yet you could sense the tension weighing on him. A subtle tightening of his jaw betrayed his inner turmoil as he watched you walk further into the room.

They continued to escort you to one side of the room, “You should have been more vigilant, more thorough,” one of your handlers spoke, his voice dripping with contempt as he leveled his gaze down at you.

You wanted to lash out, you wanted to scream at them, but you held your tongue, only using your eyes to shoot the draggers at him. Saying anything now would only make it worse. 

Meanwhile, the technicians continued their work, their movements methodical as they operated the machinery. The Winter Soldier’s gaze never dropped from yours from the moment he saw you through the window. He knew what was to come, if you hadn’t known him better, you would have sworn that tears were welling, threatening to spill. 

Before you knew it, they forcefully thrust a mouthguard into his mouth. He was then shoved back into the chair, helpless against the machinery as it clamped around him, keeping him in place.

His cries were stifled by the mouthguard, but the echoes reverberated through the room. Unable to bear what you were witnessing, you instinctively shut your eyes tight and covered your years, trying to block out the harrowing scene. 

The handles turned their attention back to you, their faces twisted into cruel smiles, one of the men grabbed your wrist and dragged you forward. “Since you’re responsible for this failure,” he sneered, “you should witness the consequences.” 

You weren’t given a second to protest before he was holding your face in place, forcing you to watch as the Winter Soldier’s mind was wiped. With each agonized twitch his muscles made, you felt his pain as a shiver shot down your spine.

It was a punishment unlike any you had seen, it was designed to not only erase his memories but to torment you. It was while you watched helplessly that you realized that between Hydra and the Red Room, there was no room for compassion or forgiveness.

~

The memories of Bucky loomed large in your mind, all of them playing at once, a constant reminder that he isn’t here anymore. It was added fuel to the flame that began to burn hot and bright without you, a relentless inferno that started to rage.

A gentle knock on the door grated again your nerves, her voice was gentle but an intrusion as she called out to you from the other side. “You awake?”

Erupting from your bed, the fury coursed through your veins. With each step, you thought the ground was trembling beneath your feet. 

Swinging your door open, you stormed past Natasha without a second glance, the air cracked with intensity of your anger as you began making your way towards the gym. “Don’t talk to me,” you growled, the words dripped with venom, your tone directed at her was as if she herself had taken Bucky from you.

Her brow furrowed in concern, but chose not to argue and allowed you to pass without protest. Once she heard the sound of the stairs door slamming shut behind you, she entered your room, placing the tray of breakfast snacks on your desk. 

Alone with your anger, you made a beeline for the nearest punching bag. With each strike, the bag swung wildly, the force of your blows echoing through the room. Tears started to stream down your cheeks, mingling with the sweat that dripped from your brow. 

Each punch was a release, but as you rained blow after blow, the weight of your grief bore down. You cried out in anguish, the sound raw and primal as it echoed around the empty gym. 

Exhausted, you sank to your knees, your emotions of the last two months leaving you drained. Your cries faded into silence, replaced by the thud of your heartbeat.

With a heavy sigh, you allowed yourself a moment of stillness.

---

Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

[satubby]

Memories of a love

|Warning: This is narrated from Sunjae's perspective. I am not responsible for what you read, and there may or may not be errors in his personality and/or events, it is for the good of the plot.| Status: unedited

The time we shared together, though brief, seemed eternal; I longed for it to stay that way. I know I'm not selfish, even if sometimes I'm forced to be because of how I was raised, but when I met you, maybe for an instant I wished I was. We were teenagers, and although I wanted to give myself to you, my shyness and hesitation prevented me from doing so at the time.

I still remember that day in the rain, when I forgot my umbrella while I was working delivering packages. You came running up, laughing as you ran away from your brother, and we accidentally collided, falling to the ground on the porch and getting soaked. You apologised as you helped me up, and that moment is etched in my mind; our lips almost brushed, and your blue umbrella rested nearby, reflecting the sound of the rain.

During the summer, I used to visit you in secret. I wanted to get to know you better, so one day I decided to go to the shop where you worked. I pretended to look for something on the shelves, but I really just wanted to see you. I picked up a random VHS, but it turned out to be from the XXX category. That didn't matter though; all I wanted was to spend time with you. You ended up falling asleep on my arm without even looking at me.

I also remember when you ran away from the dean and some annoying girls, and I can't help but remember the times we almost accidentally kissed. Those were beautiful and unforgettable moments.

When we started high school, we each made new friends, but you always greeted me with a smile. You came to watch me compete as an Olympic swimmer and celebrated my victories, no matter if I won or lost.

You were by my side on the day of the accident, when my dreams of becoming a national swimmer faded. I kept everything to myself and even though you tried to comfort me, I rejected you, being stupid to push you away.

I even ignored you for 2 weeks, even though you were stubbornly coming to see me and I never left my room.

It hurts me to see all those moments together fade away. At 19, we were still friends, but I felt that was changing. I wanted something more, but you fell in love with someone else, and that distanced me even more from you. Although some time later, you came back to me, apologising for something you hadn't even done.

I admit I was selfish at the time. I wanted to be when it came to you. My jealousy grew every time I saw you with other men, and in the end I confessed all my sorrows and fears to you. You were understanding, you hugged me and let me cry in silence.

However, a bitter pill poisoned our lives. That night, you were alone on the bus, but I couldn't join you because I was working in my father's restaurant. I deeply regret that. We had promised to go to karaoke that night, but we could not.

When I got your call that rainy night, I heard your trembling, anguished voice, begging me to save you from someone who was chasing you. I ran faster than I had ever run in my life, but I was too late. I saw you hurt, scared, and my heart stopped. I fought your attacker, even if he hit me, it didn't matter.

Even while you were crying over the sock, you couldn't stop whispering my name. "Sunjae, Sunjae"

Even though he was arrested, the damage was done. You lost a lot of blood, you had fractures. I took you to the hospital, and your relatives arrived quickly. They thanked me for my help, but when you woke up, you didn't remember anything.

From that moment on, I knew you would never be the same. I visited you in the hospital, but you hardly recognised me. Your voice didn't come from those beautiful lips, and that saddened me deeply.

I stopped seeing you after that. I don't know if I was a coward for not being able to bear to see you in that state or if I simply resigned myself to not confessing my feelings to you. Still, it pains me to the core. Even when I returned your umbrella to you on the bridge, your disbelieving eyes reminded me that you no longer remembered who I was. Your friend came and took you away.

That same night, I received news of a car accident that claimed two lives: yours and your friend's. My heart stopped, I no longer cared about the party or the concert. I stayed in the hotel, staring into the void.

My mind is in chaos, and I just wish I could stop regretting it. I know you'd be angry for not answering your calls and for not keeping our promise that rainy night.

The wind blows, and I feel lost. My memories with you echo in my mind. And then, I let myself fall into the water. My hair blows in the wind, and I don't know why I do it, I just know I could never forget you. My life without you is meaningless.

Honestly, I just know that I've been longing for something that was never possible. I wish I could have saved you that day.

Greed and sorrow

Go through the abyss of time

Seas are on fire

And the moon's falling down

So I'm playing my lyreIn the last rays of sun

Be mine

When the world ends and skies tumble down

WhyIs the water so soothing to drown?

Hug me tight

You're lighter than feather... This second of life

Feels like forever. WhenTruth sounds like lieWhen you and I are buried in the ruins of EarthI'll be by your side for what it's worthIf we face the gates of Hell, mmm

Seas are on fire

And the moon's falling down

So, I'm playing the lyreIn the last rays of sun

Be mine

When the world ends and skies tumble down

WhyIs the water so soothing to drown?You're lighter than feather. This second of life

Feels like forever, hmm-mm

This world has failed us, oh

Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn...

So let it burn

[g0j0s]

i’ve finally realised that i must suffer and endure before i can let it go. after years of running away from my anguish, still it would always catch up to me. soon enough it would grab me by my throat. with blood red eyes, as betrayed trickled from them, it would ask - why didn’t you let me in?

i would never have an answer. and as soon as an escape route opened, i would take it & leave. but years have passed by in a fear that it would find me. and guess what? every few months it does and it’s very angry.

so i’ve finally settled. seated with my legs crossed and my arms open, i welcome it as a guest. now it’s allowed to seep through me, mingle in my blood and make me crazy. it feeds off of me until i’m nothing but bones and a pair of eyes. but eventually, in days or weeks, it leaves. with its protruding belly and a hearty gait, it goes happily. and it promises me that it will not return, even if i wanted it.

so now i finally embrace the changes and all the chaos that comes with it. i let my suffering flow through me & lie down with me when i sleep. because i know that it needs me and there’s nothing i can do but honor it.

[my-vanishing-777]

In this way, women, whatever they suffer, do not suffer the anguish of a conscious recognition that, because they are women, they have been robbed of volition and choice, without which no life can have meaning.—Right-Wing Women (1983)

[sweetsweetperil]

Lingering in the breeze

Velvet shutters through me

Pain and agony

In every breathe I could ever breathe

“Let it be,” he said,

“Set me free,” I screamed

But the winter has never felt so lonely

[nightndaydreaming]

I feel the urge

To scream

To run

To throw something

To punch something

To tear my chest open and let this thing the fuck OUT

I feel like I’m gonna throw up, I just want it out of me

[heartoflesh]

"Things don't have to end, but they can't stay the same." "Ok. Let me die then."

Excerpts from a book I'll never write, William

[thugbambi]

amen mother 🙏🏻

[analee-rose-valentine]

To the lawyer who made me feel unwelcome and confronted me over a fucking tank top, you should learn to better bite your tongue. You said you bit it before but next time simply bite it off because you clearly can’t be decent or polite. It’s summer. Fuck off

I totally lost my mind on YouTube ranting and sobbing about this shit and now my vlog has been uploaded but idk for how long I’ll leave it public tbh

[life-imitates-art-far-more]

Augustin Pajou (1730-1809) "Psyche Abandoned" (1796) Located in the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, Los Angeles, California, United States

[soulofstainedglass]

Anguish - August Friedrich Schenck

A mother‘s pain

L'Orphelin - August Friedrich Schenck

The daughter‘s reply

To be a woman is to scream

[cats-in-the-clouds]

i keep getting stuck being forced to take classes i despise and that have no relevance to me so i’m going to go all malicious compliance on every single assignment and subtly insult the class material and/or professor

[coffeecatsandcoldnights]

And now I dread nights, as the screams are now getting louder and more frequent, puncturing my heart while I nurse it to sleep all over again.