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lotusflowerbreakingthesurface · 3 days ago

Text

❝Zhang Qiling's Birthday Congratulations❞

𝓗𝓪𝓹𝓹𝔂 𝓫𝓲𝓻𝓽𝓱𝓭𝓪𝔂, 𝓧𝓲𝓪𝓸𝓰𝓮! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝⋆✧˚

On this special month, let's get to know 'the soul character' of Daomu Biji, the one who always gives Wu Xie a sense of security, Zhang Qiling aka Men You Ping aka Xiaoge in a deeper understanding. Who doesn't know him? He is one of the protagonists and the spiritual leader of the Iron Triangle!

©Divider by @saradika-graphics

Source: NPSS's WeChat or here

Since Daomu Biji is in Wu Xie's first person POV, it's difficult to know what Xiaoge is thinking and what kind of character Xiaoge is. Let's get to know him bit by bit through some info that I found in Chinese fandom and my meta hehe. Please note that I'm not fluent in Chinese, so this post contains a heavy amount of MTL, and people tend to have a different perception and understanding of things, so just take it easy, okay? (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

First of all, let's take a look at the character "Zhang Qiling" according to Chinese sites and other sites as well.

Source: Baidu [I only took some parts of it, for more info about Zhang Qiling, please visit the site]

The author Nanpai Sanshu mentioned in an interview that Xiaoge is the kindest, wisest, mysterious and powerful character in the whole book. In addition, in the original text of DaoBi (Daomu Biji), Xiaoge has maintained a young appearance for decades. The author calls him "the complete body of immortality", so he will not suffer from the sequelae of immortality such as "corpse transformation", which can be said to be a perfect immortal.

❆ 𝑨𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 ❆

He has a pair of calm (indifferent) and clear eyes—Daomu Biji Vol. 2: Heavenly Palace on the Clouds (Part 1) Ch. 48 (MereBear's Translation), Wu Xie's Private Notes Ch. 9 (MereBear's Translation)

Reference: A photo of a young man appeared on the slide. He was silent, calm, and his eyes were as clear as clear water. He was carrying something on his back and walking normally. His eyes were looking in the direction of the camera. He obviously saw the person taking the photo, but he didn't care at all.—Sand Sea 3 Ch. 28 | Ch. 139 (MereBear's Translation)

Good-looking

Reference: "Why don't we just find a wife for him and marry him off to a rich woman? With his looks, I think we can make some money."—Daomu Biji Vol. 6: Ancient Building Under the Dark Mountain Ch. 1 (MereBear's Translation)

Well-proportioned, handsome, and eye-catching (wearing a suit)

Reference: Men You Ping has a well-proportioned figure and a blank expression. He looks very handsome in a suit and is extremely eye-catching."—Daomu Biji Vol. 7: Stone Shadow in Qiong Cave Ch. 5 (MereBear's Translation)

His face is quite distinctive

Reference: Xiaoge's face is actually quite distinctive. He is not someone who would be lost in the crowd.—Tibetan Sea Flower 1 Ch. 21 (MereBear's Translation)

Wu Xie is the ultimate beauty that can be seen in the world, and Zhang Qiling is invisible to the world——too corny (NPSS's interview) [I think what it means by "invisible to the world" refers to the inner beauty, his kindness perhaps? But this kind of answer should be a joke lol]

He is 180cm tall, fair-skinned, silent, with dark hair and dark pupils, his eyes half covered by his hair (NPSS's interview)

❆ 𝑩𝒐��𝒚 𝑻𝒚𝒑𝒆 ❆

He has a lot of muscle mass

Reference: Xiaoge's weight is actually moderate, and he has a lot of muscle mass. So even though he looks lean and well-proportioned, his actual weight feels much heavier than the last time I helped him.—Daomu Biji Vol. 8: Finale Ch. 56 (MereBear's Translation)

He has a high muscle fiber density

Reference:

Liang Wan was able to touch patient Zhang’s arm while giving him a routine examination. Although his muscles weren’t very exaggerated, the density of the fibers was beyond comprehension.—Sand Sea 1: Introduction Part 2 (MereBear's Translation)

He [the doctor] then proceeded to squeeze Men You Ping's muscles, "Your muscle fiber density is even better than that of athletes. What kind of exercises do you do?"—Notes in Rain Village 2 Ch. 20 (MereBear's Translation)

❆ 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 ❆

Silent, indifferent, alienated, and easily misunderstood

Reference: If you are not in the same group as Men You Ping, you will feel very uncomfortable with him, and you will feel more and more uncomfortable. People who know him know that he is just taking a nap when he leans there, but people who don't know him think that this gloomy guy is full of bad intentions and ready to torture them.—Sand Sea 4 Ch. 208 (MereBear's Translation)

Strong action, perseverance, and fearlessness

Reference: He is a man who keeps moving forward for his purpose. Even if there are countless barbs on the road he walks on, he will keep moving forward, regardless of any harm along the way, until all his flesh is scraped off by the barbs or he reaches his destination alive.—Daomu Biji Vol. 8: Finale Ch. 75 (MereBear's Translation)

Spiritual leader and give a sense of security

Reference: He often has a blank expression on his face, but once his expression changes, it usually means he is about to face a critical situation. In the ancient tomb, he acts as the spiritual leader of the team, and his companions obey his instructions, always giving those around him a sense of security.—Daomu Biji Vol. 1 (Part 2): Angry Sea, Hidden Sands

Strong heart and the king of fighting

Reference: Ma Pingchuan thought it very strange that he was having a serious conversation with a teenager, and he even felt overwhelmed by the child's aura.—Tibetan Sea Flower 1 Ch. 3 (MereBear's Translation)

Act cautiously and carefully, clear the way and lead the way

Reference: He leaped in front of the mummy without hesitation, and looked at his mouth first. Finding that there was nothing in his mouth, he put his hands under the corpse's armpits and pressed it down.—Daomu Biji 1 (Part 2): Angry Sea, Hidden Sands Ch. 62 (MereBear's Translation)

Mysterious and unique

Reference: There had to be something strange about those seven bridges-if you got on the wrong one, you'd likely encounter a disaster. In order to avoid this trouble, Poker-Face chose another way-it really was his style to never follow the path others had arranged.—Daomu Biji Vol. 8: Finale Ch. 59 (Merebear's Translation)

Calm and resilient

Reference: I remained silent. I didn't know what kind of person Menyouping was, but I could vouch for his psychological endurance. This kind of person's psychological quality has reached a certain level. It is very difficult to make him receive a great stimulus.—Daomu Biji Vol. 5: Snake Marsh Ghost City Ch. 60 (MereBear's Translation)

Selflessness, a strong sense of responsibility, saving people in distress, and silently dedicate to protect others

Reference: Men You Ping shook his head, "Your level of awareness is too low. If our theory is correct, then whatever happened is extremely dangerous. I am afraid you won’t be able to handle it. I'll keep watching all night, you should have a good rest."—Daomu Biji Vol. 5: Snake Marsh Ghost City Ch. 20 (MereBear's Translation)

Repay evil with kindness and respect life

Reference: An old man had died during our stay in the village, and Mem You Ping had also shown him a kind of attentiveness before he had died. When the old man fell asleep in the sun, Men You Ping would often stop and take a look at him.—Daomu Biji Extra: Fishing King Ch. 26 (Merebear's Translation)

[Note: I can only put one excerpt from the book as a supplement, but there are definitely many words worth your attention in the book :)]

❆ 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑶𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒊𝒏/𝑷𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒐𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒆 ❆

If we talk about Zhang Qiling's prototype, we should go back to the first draft of Daomu Biji that NPSS posted on QQ Space under the title 《阴间笔记•七星皇陵篇》 "Notes from the Underworld: The Seven-Star Imperial Tomb" and its outline setting (see here for details). Later, he posted the fanfiction of Ghost Blows Out the Light on its Post Bar under the title 《七星鲁王宫》 "Seven Stars Lu Palace" (the original post is gone now, but here is a little glimpse of it). As you may already know, Daomu Biji was started as a fanfiction of 《鬼吹灯》 "Ghost Blows Out the Light" by 天下霸唱 (Tianxia Bachang). People often regard it as the pioneer of the tomb-robbing novel due to its popularity back in its heyday and it has a huge influence on the same genre later on, Daomu Biji is no exception. In the Ghost Blows Out the Light, there are three major characters, Hu Bayi, Shirley Yang, and Wang Pangzi. Among those three characters, only Wang Pangzi shares the similarity to "Wang Pangzi" in Daomu Biji. Then, how about other characters? Is Zhang Qiling a gender-changed Shirley Yang?

According to this post by MuzzledIdealist, the answer is below:

Q: Is Zhang Qiling a gender-changed Shirley Yang?

A: I don’t know where the rumor that Zhang Qiling is a gender-changed Shirley Yang came from… His [NPSS's] first chapter was indeed a Ghost Blows Out the Light fanfiction serialized in the Ghost Blows Out the Light forum [Baidu Post Bar], but the first chapter was about the tomb-robbing in Changsha fifty years ago, and the names Zhang Qiling and Wu Xie did not appear at all. The protagonists of Xu Lei's [NPSS's] earliest writing plan were ZYN (370’s original name), "I" and "Sun Zhongwei" (see the character setting, it was later split into Pangzi, Pan Zi, and Wu Sanxing). The prototype of Zhang Qiling is 370. I never whitewash Xu Lei, although the initial story background borrowed from Ghost Blows Out the Light, Zhang Qiling and Wu Xie have always been original [characters].

In the fanfiction that was written by NPSS, there were no characters with the name "Zhang Qiling" and "Wu Xie". Zhang Qiling and Wu Xie have always been the original from DaoBi and it has nothing to do with Ghost Blows Out the Light. Even so, Zhang Qiling indeed has a real person prototype which appeared in that fanfiction, he is ZYN (I don't know if it's appropriate to put a real person's name here), he is a former classmate of NPSS.

[For more info, see 张起灵相关bot's post]

NPSS had a classmate and roommate in high school. His bed number was 370 (homonymous with Zhang Qiling), and later he was his deskmate. In [TEDxSISU Fever], Sanshu said that he was a rare person who could notice and understand him, and he was a very good friend. The author turned this "most important man" into the most important character in the novel, Zhang Qiling, and expressed his feelings for this close friend.

"Look at your current deskmate, that inconspicuous little boy back then, who has now spread the story of you and me to the whole world." ✦

ZYN who is the prototype of Zhang Qiling is a man, then how could Zhang Qiling set to be a female character? See the explanation below:

About Zhang Qiling who was supposed to be a woman disguised as a man was first mentioned in the lecture at Fudan University in 2013:

Source: 大头尸胎

However, there is a follow-up interview on March 11, 2023 which basically implied that it's actually not NPSS's idea to set him as the female lead and Zhang Qiling is a man from the beginning to the end.

Q: It has been rumored that Zhang Qiling was originally intended to be a female character? NPSS: This happened a long time ago. These were my thoughts when I was writing the first chapter, he was definitely intended to be a male character at the beginning. Many colleagues told me that he should be a female character and that I should write him as a female character. The seniors at that time were still quite traditional. The seniors in the magazines said that you need a female lead. I was wondering what to do. They said that you should just write Zhang Qiling as a female character. I hesitated at that time, but then I followed the whole process to write it. Because his prototype was my classmate, it was difficult to write him as a female character. It was hard to imagine. I also know very few female characters. In fact, I have been working hard to learn how to write a female character in recent years.

Source: Text | Video | Summary

I think NPSS has his own idea in his mind, when his senior colleague suggested adding a heroine and thought about making PingXie as an official pairing, he hesitated at first, but in the end, he did try it and even had the idea of disguising as the opposite gender (and perhaps to make it easier to write), but later he realized that Zhang Qiling can only exist as a man. He sticks to his words at this point, because I can tell that in the subsequent series, he used descriptions such as "has a lot of muscle mass", "almost inhuman speed", "incomparably strong", "weight feels much heavier", "has a high muscle fiber density", "carrying on one shoulder", "a body more perfect than an athlete", etc. Why do I feel like he works so hard to nullify the words "the body is soft as a woman's" in the earliest book? Does he feel guilty to his former classmate? ( ≖‿ ≖ )

The most interesting thing is that Zhang Qiling and his prototype share many similarities, such as being born in November, being a Scorpio, having a shoe size of 43, being 180 cm in height, and Uncle 370's (fans in Chinese fandom often called ZYN "370叔") wife's birthday is on March 5, which is also Wu Xie's birthday (˵ ¬ᴗ¬˵)

Source: MuzzledIdealist

❆ 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑫𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒑𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 ❆

This is only a simple meta of Xiaoge's character development before and after he meets Wu Xie and Pangzi, which is also purely my personal opinion and does not represent NPSS's opinion. First of all, since I think that Zhang Qiling's character development is deeply influenced and inseparable from Wu Xie's character development, I labeled this meta as a cp-oriented analysis just in case. Nevertheless, I tried my best not to see it with shipping goggles though we don't need it. It's short and may not be perfect, I only read the books from the main story to the period of Notes in Rain Village (and extra stories) once, and it was over half a year ago. If there are any mistakes, I apologize. And if it's okay with you, here you go~

⚠︎ Warning: Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers!

What is so unique about Zhang Qiling (and Wu Xie) is that every stage of their life shows a different temperament (though I won't talk about all of them here, it would be too long). Zhang Qiling has lived for a long time and experienced many things.

Tibetan Sea Flower Online Q&A on August 31, 2024:

Q: Universe God, I want to ask you, when Xiaoge first saw Wu Xie being so friendly and kind to him, did he find it hard to believe that there are people in the world who simply cherish and love him without any ulterior motives?

A: Zhang Qiling can see through people's hearts at a glance. It's not that he is smart, but that he has seen too much. People are very simple to Zhang Qiling.

There is a change of heart before and after Xiaoge meets Wu Xie, as well as some behavioral changes when he gets out of the Bronze Door in ten years. It's difficult to see because we rarely have a glimpse of what Xiaoge is thinking through Wu Xie's perspective. However, it's not impossible to see as long as you pay attention carefully to his various actions. In ten years, his outer appearance may not change, but the core of his personality has changed to a certain extent, and he started to put value on many aspects of his life. In other words, he is no longer indifferent to some things. His world has gained a warm color.

Let's go back to his early days. In Three Days of Silence, there are three perspectives about Xiaoge. The first one is the perspective of the little lama's senior brothers, they said that he resembles a postman without destinations. Outsiders who don't know about Xiaoge think that Xiaoge lacks human nature, so he looks out of place in the human world. However, he is not without destinations. He knows clearly what he has to do because he had those so-called missions appear in his head before he had the chance to figure out who he was. The second is the little lama's perspective, he thought that Xiaoge is like Buddha who has no desire to think about worldly affairs. And the third is how the master denied that Xiaoge is like Buddha, people who are born without desires are stones.

Since the day he was born, Xiaoge's freedom has been taken away from him. This freedom was replaced with the Zhang family missions, making his life full of purpose, and yet it was not his own purpose. No one tells him to live his own life, and he doesn't even know how to do it, because from the very beginning he has been living this way.

In the subsequent narration, the master said that Xiaoge was like a stone, but Xiaoge eventually came to meet his mother. It was proof that he was not completely a stone, it was just that his desire as a human was hidden within himself. He needs a revelation to make him realize that it exists and that it's okay to feel it.

“You have to learn to think and miss that the first and last gift your mother gives you will be your heart that was hidden by those people.”

Even so, trusting and loving someone is not an easy task. The moment he understood what the master said, he lost his mother. It was the first time he could feel his connection with the world, but also the first time he lost it. He has a strong heart and resolve, so he was searching for this "connection" again, but the only thing he could find was all about the Zhang family's missions.

He continued, "I am a person without a past and a future. All I do is to find find my connection with this world. Where did I come from and why am I here?" He looked at his hands and said calmly, "Can you imagine that if someone like me disappears from this world, no one will find out, as if I have never existed in this world, without leaving any trace? Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I often doubt whether I really exist or am just a phantom of a person."—Daomu Biji Vol. 4: Snake Marsh Ghost City (Part II) Chapter 18 | Chapter 47 (MereBear's Translation)

In the process of searching, he had seen too much and gradually understood that what has meaning today may lose its meaning tomorrow.

Tencent Video Interview in September 2024

Q: Tibetan Sea Flower is actually a process of searching for him.

A: Searching for his past is also a process of him going from a god to a human being, and Sand Sea is a process of Wu Xie going from a human to a god, and they cross paths in the middle.

"Does meaning have any meaning?" Menyouping showed a rare concern for the word "meaning". He looked at the blazing bonfire and said, "The word meaning itself has no meaning."—Daomu Biji Vol. 8: Finale (Part II) Chapter 17 | Chapter 78 (MereBear's Translation)

He once hoped, but he never dared to put so much expectation, until Wu Xie appeared.

Tibetan Sea Flower Online Q&A on September 22, 2024

Q: Has Wu Xie ever taught Zhang Qiling anything?

A: There is a person called Wu Xie in the world, and this is the first time you have seen him in a hundred years.

Then, let's take a look at this series of statements by NPSS about Zhang Qiling.

NPSS wrote about Zhang Qiling at the end of vol. 8:

Men You Ping: This is a powerful man who is like a god or Buddha. I can always write with extra ease when he is around, because as long as he is by your side, he can protect you from all disasters and pains. He has no words, he is not happy, he is not sad, he always stands there like a [Chinese] porcelain doll, watching everything indifferently [my friend said "瓷娃娃" is a symbolic sculpture without the feeling of sorrow or joy], but you know he cares about you. No one can ever bring you so much sense of security like him. However, I don't know why, when I write about the various actions of this man, I always feel a deep sadness in my heart.

As he said, he is a person without past and future. His only connection with the world seems to have little value [it was before he claimed Wu Xie as his only connection with the world, at that time he was only searching for his memories and clues about himself which actually led to his responsibility as Zhang Qiling but not his true self]. He doesn't know where he came from or where he will go. He only knows that he has something he must do in this world. "Can you imagine? One day, when you wake up from a cave, you don't know anything and look around in confusion, you already have a responsibility that you must shoulder. You have no right to see the scenery along the way, you can't enjoy [to be with] friends and lovers, and all the beautiful things in your life have lost their meaning to you the moment you regain consciousness."

Zhang Qiling is carrying his own destiny in silence. What hurts me the most is that he just carried it nonchalantly, as if it was all natural, as if it was just an insignificant matter. If you ask him, he will just shake his head silently and tell you: "It doesn't matter". This is the man I wrote. He bears the most painful fate in the world, even a thousand times more painful than death, but he is not angry or sad, neither escaping nor suffering. He is right there, telling everyone he protects that it doesn't matter.

Zhang Qiling is physically and mentally strong, if not he wouldn't have survived all alone by himself in those years. However, being strong doesn't mean he has no weakness. He is not omnipotent nor a god. Having a weakness is a sign that he is human. He is observant and cautious, he is often caught off guard when received Tianshou (which can't be predicted) or when he loses too much blood (because his wound takes longer to heal than ordinary people). Most of the time, he feels indifferent to the pain. He endures it well, but he is not immune to it, he still feels hurt.

Snake Ancestor ignored him. After he was done, he said to Men You Ping: "Your hand will hurt so much that you can't move it for three days. It will be like stone, but you won't die."

Men You Ping raised his bitten hand and took a deep breath. He saw that the blood vessels near the wound were bulging, and his stiff fingers began to move instantly.

"Can you still move? Impossible?" Snake Ancestor was surprised. "Don't you feel pain?"

"It does hurt." Menyouping shook his hands and switched the knife to his other hand. With a loud snap, the young master was knocked over and fell on his back. The entire floor arched up, and a huge claw-like insect flipped up from under the floor, and the floor fragments were scattered everywhere.—Daomu Biji Extra: Fantasy Ch. 20 | Ch. 2.24 (MereBear's Translation)

Then, he meets Wu Xie.

Tibetan Sea Flower Online Q&A on August 31, 2024:

Q: What was Zhang Qiling and Wu Xie's first impression of each other?

A: Wu: Wow, what a cocky guy. Zhang: It seems like there is an amateur in the team.

Facebook Interview on September 18, 2014:

Q: I want to know why Xiaoge takes such good care of Tianzhen throughout the whole story, because his care for Tianzhen has gone beyond the scope of friends and colleagues (personal opinion).

A: When you see people around you being as weak as tofu*, you will also think of giving them some protection so that you don't have to do the laundry [something like 'avoid unnecessary trouble'].

*豆腐 "tofu": I'm not sure if international fans know about tofu, there are many variations of tofu, but the texture of tofu is usually very soft and easily broken if you don't handle it properly.

Tibetan Sea Flower Online Q&A on August 31, 2024:

Q: When did Zhang Qiling start to feel that Wu Xie was special?

A: When Wu Xie performed impossible and inhumane miracles time and time again.

Douyin Live on 16 September, 2024:

Q: There is a line in the book "Tibetan Sea Flower" that says that Xiaoge lost his connection with the world. Do you think it was a certain turning point that made Xiaoge feel that he had some connection with the world again? Or was it not a certain moment, but the accumulation of various friendships and experiences?

A: I can give you an example. You know that there are people who can establish a connection with you, and you know that there are people who can work hard to connect you with the world. Maybe he himself is the anchor point of that connection, but you also know that this person will not always be there. Zhang Qiling knows very well that it is impossible for someone to always do this, because his destiny is to be disconnected from the world, and his entire life is to be constantly disconnected. So he knew that in his long life, there might be many people willing to do this, but who would be willing to do this all the time? Zhang Qiling had no hope for this, because he had experienced many separations and seen many such situations.

So when the Iron Triangle was formed, Zhang Qiling initially thought that this might just be a short journey, a short connection. He knew that maybe it could be done. Ordinary people can always become god-like in a short period of time. Ordinary people have this light, but if you can become god-like for a lifetime, Zhang Qiling has never thought about it, but the Iron Triangle is moving towards this possibility. They will become a lifelong connection. For Wu Xie and Pangzi, they have burned up all their time.

This is a more real connection than anyone Zhang Qiling can remember.

Tencent Video Open Day Live on 9 September, 2024:

Q: It is known that Wu Xie is a magnificient scholar of Zhang Studies, but what about Zhang Qiling? How much does he know about Wu Xie? Who knows him better, him or Wu Xie?

A: I think Wu Xie is a very simple person. Wu Xie's resume is written on one A4 page. So I think Zhang Qiling knows more about Wu Xie. Moreover, Zhang Qiling has seen so many people. He may have only one question about Wu Xie, that is, among so many people, what is the difference between Wu Xie and others. Wu Xie in his long life, he would think that Wu Xie is somewhat different. What is the difference?Right, because Wu Xie wiped out the Zhang family (slip of the tongue, it should be the Wang family) by himself.

Nanjing Live Broadcast on August 16, 2023:

Q: What is the relationship between the Iron Triangle from Zhang Qiling’s perspective?

A: I think he has to go through several stages. At the beginning, he will think of two mortals, two ordinary people, and then try his best to protect them. Then slowly he discovered that these two people also had a slightly different aura. And in many cases, it is said that the behaviors and states of these people are beyond the energy range of ordinary people. For example, he may encounter very persistent people many times in his life. But those who are persistent may not be able to hold on for a year or two. In other words, his harsh life is something that others cannot keep up with. But he met someone like Wu Xie who always persistent and became stronger and stronger, constantly upgrading himself. This person is very special. He may be different from others. In such a long world, people like this are rare. This person is very special. He may be different from others. In such a long world, such people are rare. Then there is Wang Pangzi. How can this person do it? The way they do it is different. Wu Xie relies on persistence, and Pangzi relies on being heartless and shameless. So it feels that in the past, all the companions around you may disappear after walking and walking, but these two people not only did not disappear, but their presence became stronger and stronger. In the end, I feel that I will get used to it slowly.

Taobao Live Broadcast on October 30, 2022:

Q: After Zhang Qiling met Wu Xie and others from the beginning and experienced so much together now, will there be any changes in his mentality?

A: I think his world will become a warm color. His previous world was not a cold color, but a neutral color. It made no difference to him whether he had it or not. There was no concept of ownership in his life, whether I was owned by you or I owned something myself. When the world has warm tones, (although) he is essentially a person who has no meaning to him for any possession, the only thing he can have is that color. There may still be various problems with his memory in the future, but that touch of warmth will eventually belong to him, and the color of that world and that period of time cannot be washed or erased. What I mean is that even Tianshou can't erase that kind of temperature. I think this is the most core change in his mentality.

Live broadcast on June 11, 2021:

NPSS: For Zhang Qiling, Wu Xie is his only connection with the human world. He can have no connection with the human world. After so many years, Wu Xie is the opportunity for him to be willing to connect with the human world. This is also something that requires courage for him, because connecting with Wu Xie means connecting with other people. At the beginning, Wu Xie was just one of the many people he had saved, but Wu Xie reached a state of transcendence through his own qualities. He can attract another person who is not a mortal. There is such a person. When you look at him, you will have this feeling-

Host: This is that person, this is the person I am looking for.

NPSS: Yes.

It only takes less than two years to change Zhang Qiling's opinion about Wu Xie, from 'one of the people he had saved' to 'his only connection with this world'. Two years are just a small number in Xiaoge's long life, but the days when they got along together in life-and-death situations are much more meaningful than what he ever imagined. Knowing him little by little, Xiaoge feels that Wu Xie is different, a rare soul. Wu Xie cares about him without any hidden intentions. He is sincere and persistent, proving himself that he has exceeded Xiaoge's presumptions of human beings, again and again.

"Human beings are much scarier than ghosts, and it is hard to understand people's hearts," said Men You Ping, "Living people are worse than ghosts." After saying that, he glanced at Laba's hidden knife.—Tibetan Sea Flower 1 Ch. 12

Later, NPSS explained about Zhang Qiling's farewell in Hangzhou (see more here or here):

"He came to find Wu Xie, which was the biggest emotion in his life for so many years."

Xiaoge is not without emotions. For Zhang Qiling who has seen too much and experienced all sorts of things, it's not easy to cause a spark in his heart. He has his own way of dealing with his own emotions and expressing his feelings. As an analogy, his emotional state is like an ocean; vast, calm, and deep. A small ripple won't have any effect on him, and the waves were just small frictions on the surface. Despite this, that day when he came to Hangzhou to say goodbye to Wu Xie, he felt the greatest emotions after so many years of emotional numbness.

"I came to say goodbye to you." He said, "It's all over. I thought about my connection with this world, and it seems that the only one I can find now is you."—Daomu Biji Vol. 8: Finale (Part II) Ch. 25 | Ch. 76 (MereBear's Translation)

It was stated in Tibetan Sea Flower that Xiaoge also came to Pangzi and entrusted him with three things, which are related to Wu Xie's presumably future actions.

"The first thing is that you found his statue." Pangzi said, "This proves that you found the place where he began to lose connection with this world. This statue was made for him by the best craftsman in the temple at that time. It is his only projection in this world."—Tibetan Sea Flower 2 Ch. 19 | Ch. 84 (MereBear's Translation)

Each encounter has its own purpose. Pangzi didn't chase after Xiaoge, because he understood that if Xiaoge choose not to tell him everything, then so be it, and no one can stop him once he made a decision. On the other hand, Wu Xie has an intrigued temper which is different from Pangzi. If Xiaoge deliberately didn't tell him anything, Wu Xie could just go find it out by himself.

Xiaoge is someone who solves the problem right on the spot the moment he figures it out, and he will not do something unnecessary.

Tibetan Sea Flower Online Q&A on 6 September, 2024:

Q: How would Wu Xie or Xiaoge overcome difficulties when they encounter them, or what is their psychology?

A: Xiaoge overcomes the difficulties on the spot, while Wu Xie overcomes the difficulties secretly.

He came to Wu Xie, even though it had nothing to do with his mission. He could just go straight away to Changbai mountains, but he didn't. What did he expect after saying those words? He was aware of Wu Xie's temper, yet he still went to find him and said something that even Wu Xie might not know what it meant at that time; because he wanted him to know.

He had lost his connection with this world once, and he was going to experience it again. There was no need to carve his emotions on a stone, he now understood it very well; to think and miss; to have his own desire. He wanted Wu Xie to know how important he was to him. He is always selfless, but this time he found again his long-lost desire, a selfish desire.

"It's all over. I thought about my connection with this world, and it seems that the only one I can find now is you."

Those words are not just ordinary "romantic" or "insignificant" words. They can't be understood with a superficial approach, but only after reading Tibetan Sea Flower and Three Days of Silence or Zhang Qiling's story that the meaning can be conveyed properly. They carry so much meaning that speaks volumes of what Xiaoge was thinking at that time. It was the first time after he lost his mother, Baima, that he had his own "desire" again.

“Wu Xie is the opportunity for him to be willing to connect with the human world. This is also something that requires courage for him, because connecting with Wu Xie means connecting with other people.”

In other words, Wu Xie is like a "bridge" that connects Zhang Qiling's world to the human world, and leads to another lifelong companionship like Pangzi. Even to this day, a genuine and sincere relationship without any malice is rare to be found in this world. Wu Xie is an important part of Xiaoge's existence, and recognizing this strong bond won't make Zhang Qiling lose himself. On the contrary, Wu Xie helped him to find his pieces of life and finally do something he truly wants. It's not a one-sided feeling, Xiaoge sacrificed himself for Wu Xie, and it was not out of obligation or courtesy. And it was also the case with Wu Xie defeated the Wang family. Their feelings for each other have always been unconditional, they don't ask anything in return, and what they have done only shows how far they can go for the other.

Xiaoge: “I will give you my whole life in exchange for your ten years of innocence.”

Wu Xie: “I will use my ten years in exchange for your stability and peace of mind for the rest of your life”

There is so much happening after this period that it is worth talking about, but it's getting too long. Perhaps I will continue it, but I cannot guarantee anything (∩˃ω˂∩)

Thank you for reading! ^^

Source: Original picture by 刘巴布

#zhang qiling birthday month #daomu biji #dmbj #dmbj meta #zhang qiling #pingxie #pingxie only #盗墓笔记 #张起灵 #瓶邪 #瓶邪only #congratulatory post

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39oa · 1 year ago

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2023 BRITISH GP | PIASTRI & ALBON | POST-RACE

JENSON: You (Alex) were battling with Ferraris, and you (Oscar) were battling with Red Bull. Did you expect that coming into the British Grand Prix? ALEX: No! OSCAR: I think we've gone into a different universe for this weekend.

#oscar piastri #alex albon #f1 #*#my 2 favorites... so blessed so grateful etc.#feeling extremely normal about this whole interview!!!#i need to stop making oscar posts but my tenderness is somehow still at full throttle this is unbearable #heart bursting aju nice style at the crowd chants who approved this..........

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socvincjpeg · 3 months ago

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Okay so. Hirsch did an interview 4 months ago and a lot of stuff he said there REALLY puts into context things that happen in the book of bill—especially this one clip in particular. (Here’s the link if anyone who hasnt yet wants to watch the whole thing on their own)

TRANSCRIPT:

ALEX HIRSCH: —and also, he’s so, y’know, bill’s a trillion years old, so its like Ford disappearing for 30 years is like somebody saying they’re ghosting you and then texting you the next weekend.

INTERVIEWER: (laughing) got it.

AlEX HIRSCH: [slight Bill impression] "Ford’s gonna be back. Oh, oh, oh, we had such a big fight, Ford’s so mad at me, Oh,—" [normal voice] y’know, [continuing impression] "Our will-they-won’t-they-take-over-the-universe relationship— he’s gonna march off and huff, but he’ll be back." Because where is Ford gonna find anyone else in the multiverse who strokes his ego as well as Bill does? Is there anyone else who’s going to make Ford feel as important as Bill? No, of course not. Ford needs validation. And so Bill knows Ford is going to be back eventually.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

This is just like?? Insane?? Like holy shit, he directly quoted the relationship line that would end up being in the book but completely recontextualizes it from a perspective that isn’t Bills. It basically confirms almost every 2018 shipper’s headcanon, which is also really funny. This could also serve as potential setup for any future projects? Like, extremely extremely doubtful it will ever be a season 3, but the way Hirsch speaks about their dynamic is so interesting.

#billford #gravity falls #stanford pines #alex hirsch #alex hirsch interview #gravity falls interview #grunkle ford #bill cipher #character analysis #except it isnt mine lol its hirsch’s #That GF fan

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elssero · 3 months ago

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streamer !

.d.kaminari

♰ nsfw, pro hero denki x f!reader, male masturbation

pro hero chargebolt logging onto twitch on his day off too see his favourite pretty streamer play her favourite games or talk about whatever’s currently trending.

it’s his favourite past time, he spends all week looking forward to his day off so he can catch up on all your streams he missed this week.

he gets especially giddy if you actually stream that day so he can watch it live.

at first his infatuation with you is innocent, your a rising streamer just like he’s a rising hero!! your situations are so similar in that sense, your both adjusting to your new found fame and your both rising the charts of your respected careers very fast.

he admires you! you seem to interact with fans and the media so easily so that he just can’t help but be drawn to you ! it’s not his fault ! but it helps that your exactly his type.

he feels incredibly lucky to be able to catch one of your streams live, your currently around thirty minutes into a just chatting stream, your doing a q&a more so aimed at new fans who don’t know all that much about you yet.

but he knows, he knows you answered questions extremely similar to the ones your answering now in your q&a two months ago but still he can’t help the wide grin that appears on his face everytime you giggle, or at the little smirk you give the camera when you answer a question that could be deemed a little risky.

he watches the whole stream with anticipation, despite being able to correctly guess all the answers your giving, he is genuinely interested in what you have to say, he swears!! it’s not his fault the bludge in his pants keeps growing everytime you re-adjust the way your sitting or when you move your arms to type something on your keyboard and the action pushes your tits together slightly. he’s really is trying his hardest to ignore the growing feeling in his sweats but it’s getting sore !

not wanting to lose control completely he begins to palm himself over the material of his sweats, just slight rubbing down on himself to help the ache he feels from watching you do something as normal as answering a few questions from your fans.

your forty-five minutes into the stream now and a donation pops up with a question that you’ve never answered before, denki immediately straightens up, beyond eager to hear the answer to the question.

“hey pretty! first of all i love your streams but i need you to settle a debate for me! of all the new young heros that have had their debut this year which is your favourite?

you immediately giggle and thank the donator for their donation and their compliment, the question seems to still you for a second, you look deep in thought and denki is on the edge of his seat awaiting your answer.

you suddenly break out into a huge grin and begin to answer the question “firstly i think their all very inspiring! being able to use your quirk to help people in the way they do is very admirable i can’t help but always feel safe when i hear news of yet another save from our hero’s”

denkis breath hitches, he feels like he can’t breathe, you think he’s inspiring. you admire him.

“however, if i had to pick a favourite i guess it would probably be chargebolt” you take a second to think before you continue “i’ve seen a few of his interviews and i would say he’s clearly very charismatic, he seems like he would be easy to get along with!”

he watches in a trance as you giggle at the end of your sentence before taking a breathe and biting down a small smirk you say-

“he’s also very cute so that helps too!”

denki swears he could’ve came in his pants right there and then. you just admitted to all of your viewers that he’s your favorite up and coming hero. you just admitted to all your viewers that you think he’s cute.

he’s scrambling to reverse your stream to hear you say it again, to make sure he isn’t dreaming, when he hears it come out of your mouth for the 3rd- no 4th time he’s sure he isn’t hearing things.

he feels like he’s going feral, you his favourite twitch streamer, someone he’s been watching from afar getting his rocks off too for months just said that he’s your favourite. just like how your his favourite too!

his dick twitches in his sweats and he doesn’t even hesitate to take it out like he normally does, any guilt he’s ever felt for touching himself to the idea of you is completely out the window, he wonders what you’d think if you saw him now, your favourite pro-hero scrambling to get his dick out while he watches your stream… would you enjoy it? you did say you thought he was cute… maybe you would enjoy it.

the thought has him almost drooling. his dick is twitching in his hand as he moves his hand up and down his cock at a pace he’s never done before. he’s so pent up that he feels like a teenager again, quickly jacking himself off in search of a realise he knows is already approaching.

he’s moaning at this point, completely drowning out what your now saying.. something about your outfit? he doesn’t know but what he does know is that you looking absolutely breathtaking while saying it.

he wants to last he really does but he can’t help it, not when your looking into the camera like that, almost like your looking directly into his eyes, encouraging him.

he thinks about it for a second, he thinks about you whispering in his ear, telling him to cum for you.. urging him to finish himself off to the sound of your voice.

he bottoms out with a whine of your name, shooting thick ropes so far they hit his laptop screen, he’s panting, regaining his breathe as your voice starts to become more clear from the foggy state he was just in. he doesn’t feel guilty, not like he usually does, instead he feels a sense of pride.. or maybe contempt?

he clips the part of your stream when you talk about him, adding it to a file he has saved “my favorite streamer<3” he cleans the cum from his laptop as he fully calms down, head still a little spacey from the moment he just had. his phone is blowing up with notifications, hundreds of tweets tagging him in the clip that someone had already reposted, in just a few minutes it’s clear that people think positively of what you’ve said about him with many people agreeing and he feels that all familiar sense of pride.

you notice it too, you gasp at the sudden rise in viewers, thanking everyone for their support and ending the stream abruptly. normally he would feel a little disappointed but nothing can move him from his high right now. he waits a couple minutes in a state of awe, he can’t believe it. truly.

just as he begins to stand up, deciding to order a little victory take out for himself he gets a dm on twitter from an account he follows.

yn: hi chargebolt! i’m not sure if you’ve seen the clip circling around but i wanted to send you a quick message to apologise for any trouble it’s causing you or your team! if you need me to put out a statement i’m happy to do so, all the best!”

okay now he can’t believe it. you just dmed him, mere minutes after he’d came like a sexually frustrated virgin to your stream, he’s convinced he must be dreaming, but the once again growing tent in his pants proves that he’s not.

chargebolt: “don’t worry about it sweetheart, there’s much worse things that i could be dealing with today, i don’t think i’ll need you to put out a statement but i’d happily treat you to dinner instead?”

#bnha #mha fanfiction #mha x reader #mha denki #denki kaminari #denki x reader #bnha denki #denki smut #mha #mha smut #mha x reader smut #denki kaminari smut #mha x you #bnha x reader #bnha denki kaminari #mha x female reader #denki headcanons #denki x y/n

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riddlerosehearts · 6 months ago

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ever since vil's luxe couture groovy was first revealed i have not been able to stop thinking about how much i love him and the way his relationship with gender is written and treated by the narrative. the way that he's a gnc man who refuses to be seen without makeup on, who uses an extremely feminine personal pronoun in japanese ("atashi") and it isn't treated like an unusual thing or a joke. the way he admires the fairest queen, wants to be beautiful like she was and has such an immense amount of pride and confidence in his physical beauty. and then literally not one person in the whole story calls vil's masculinity into question except for epel, who gets told by vil that his views on gender roles and of men doing "feminine" things are backwards and archaic, and ends up having a whole arc where he learns that he was wrong and comes to see his own naturally cute and feminine appearance as a strength!

and then the fact that the narrative doesn't just treat vil normally as a gnc man but also actively celebrates him by having him be such a massive, world-famous celebrity who's so respected and loved?? he's a movie star, he's a model with a record number of runway appearances, he's an influencer who has 5 million magicam followers, if he advertises a product it flies off the shelves. in his dorm uniform vignette an international fashion magazine--which is specifically known for being the first to feature vil on its cover--is coming to interview the pomefiore students for an article on their pursuit of beauty, and the interviewer tells vil that he looks like the fairest queen reborn! and that's how he wants to be seen and is an entirely positive thing!! and with vil being so famous throughout twisted wonderland there will be kids and teens, most certainly including gnc and trans kids, who will look up to him and hear him publicly say things like how there's no such thing as something being just "for girls" or "for boys" and that men shouldn't be ashamed of doing feminine dance moves or wearing certain kinds of clothing. kids who will feel empowered because the vil schoenheit said they could be both beautiful and strong.

idk, it's just, in a lot of other stories i'd expect vil to struggle more because of the way he presents himself and to be treated in a more comedic way because of it. but instead he's a very important and well-developed character who's incredibly successful and confident, who isn't the slightest bit a joke or comic relief character and in fact is one of the most responsible and mature in the whole cast, whose struggles are mostly unrelated to his gender presentation but who gets to defend his right to be happy just the way he is when someone does look down on him for it, and who at least in my opinion gets some of the prettiest cards in the whole game. he is such a cool and unique character and i love him so much and find this aspect of how he's written to be so empowering and refreshing.

#twisted wonderland #vil schoenheit #was talking with my friend about this when the card first dropped #and ended up wanting to make a post about it #when i first played through book 5 i didn't really Get vil and his story so i wouldn't have called him a favorite #but now?? idk i just... i love him 💜💜💜

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miwiheroes · 2 months ago

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Full Airport Scene Analysis

I've seen like, a lot of people do analyses of the airport scene, but they often do it in parts when I just want to fully hone in on the whole ass scene and give it a full run-down. So, get ready for this post to be extremely long.

So, the camera pans across from Argyle and Jonathan looking super bored and tired to both Will and El, and I think this is actually very clever. Before this scene, you're not really sure who Will is in love with or who he made the painting for. The fact that the audience may remember El saying 'i think there is someone he likes' and then see how Will is holding the painting so proudly means that they subconsciously realise, oh the painting is for Mike meaning -- Will has feelings for Mike. Note how the juxtaposition between Argyle and Jonathan's demeanour and Will and El's demeanour further showcases how they feel the same way about him (supposedly).

Also this is random, but watching this scene over and over again made me realise that Will's is literally shaking so much in this scene. (WATCH HIS HAND WHEN EL IS LOOKING FOR MIKE)

youtube

Now let's talk about Mike's outfit (yes this isn't just talking about how ass it is)

So in the amazing GQ video on youtube, the costume designer talks about how Mike probably bought this outfit at the airport. He's dressing up how he thinks he should in California -- the double meaning being that he is trying to 'be more normal' as Finn Wolfhard says in another interview.

In this scene we know that Mike's trying really hard to push down his feelings about Will, he's trying to seem like he fits in, and in the GQ video, Amy Parris talks about how 'it's bright, it's not a colour Mike normally wears'. Orange and purple? Mike usually wears blue..... and yellow........... i mean what

I guess you could say that in a more surface-y way, he's trying to fit in by wearing something less edgy than he would normally wear, but if you look deeper into the colour coding of byler, he's trying to disconnect himself from Will because of him trying to deny his feelings. Will is wearing blue in this scene, but Mike's wearing orange, showing the disconnect between them in the scenes with these outfits on. I know a lot of people say he's wearing yellow, but nah, it's orange and that's actually more proof that he's trying to hide his feelings for Will.

Also this is another quote from Parris: 'he's worn teal before, so it felt like orange was the best colour that was different from his closet that felt like he was trying to make it work in california.'

And it's not like they just forgot the colour coding for byler. I mean, there's blue and yellow in this shot of Mike when we first see his outfit.

Can you spot it?

Okay moving on

In the first and last Milkvan kissing scene, it is important to note that the directors of the show are very intentional with the extras and where they move to during the scenes. During the shot of them kissing, the camera is focused on them, yes, but it is very busy. Watch the shippers try to edit this scene, the duffers really said.

Firstly, Mike is wearing a visor, he's holding a bag so he can barely hug her, he's also wearing sunglasses inside?? You can't see his facial expression, further showing this season is not in his pov. Not only that, but people are moving in front of the camera, it's very very busy. It's supposed to be a little overwhelming. I could barely take a screenshot without someone walking in front of the camera... like that is not a coincidence, they aren't filming in an actual busy airport. So so many extras walk in front of them during the whole scene, not just the kiss, but while they are speaking as well.

When El goes to hug him, as soon as she does, he makes a little noise of protest or something and is like 'careful, careful' almost like he put the flowers in front of them on purpose so there's like an excuse for them to stop hugging? They then stop hugging and he finally takes off his glasses so we can see his face.

He is wearing sunglasses only in the parts where he's being slightly intimate with his girlfriend -- eyes are windows into the soul, no? Without them being seen, you wouldn't be able to tell what he is thinking, and he needs these in these intimate moments especially, in case anyone notices something's wrong.

Okay now we go onto the flower theory thing, and there are many things to unpack here, and stuff that I personally don't believe, and some theories that I do.

What is super clear to me is that these flowers are the exact same dead flowers that El picks up at the end of season 4 to signify that her relationship with Mike is.... dead (sorry if that's kind of on the nose). However, it is also key to note that Mike says that he 'handpicked' them for her in Hawkins, which on the surface makes it seem like he made more effort, but really this actually sets up the fact that they are the same flowers that can be found on the field. If he bought them in the shop, they may not be the exact same flowers in the last scene.

So Mike says 'I know you like yellow, but now I'm realising it's too much yellow'. The writers of the show did not have to put that in, let's just think about that for a moment. What was the reason for putting this line in? And the '70-30' split line is also very very specific.

Will's colour in the byler colour coding is yellow, it has been subconsciously put into our minds ever since they started colour coding them, for example the s3 netflix icons, the shirt he wears for the majority of s4 and the lights over his head in Rink-o-mania.

Personally, I think this might be a bit of a reach, but could Mike just simply mean that he was thinking too much about Will, in his opinion? Like subconsciously he kind of added lots of yellow because he was thinking of Will when he was thinking of El.

As for the 'So I sort of did a 70-30 split thing' line, I'm not really sure what this means. It could mean that he's putting in 30% of the relationship because he also added 30% purple flowers which symbolises what he's putting into the relationship. Meanwhile, El's favourite colour of flower has a 70% weight in the bouquet, meaning she's putting more into the relationship.

It's also worthy to see that El looks at the note which has 'From, Mike' on it right as he's saying all this stuff about the yellow flowers, and the music dies down from this joyful tone to a sombre one, kind of showing how the yellow flowers are a symbol for something.

Now, before this ^^, the only problem that we think is going on in Mike and El's relationship is the fact that El's lying to him about having friends and not being bullied. But now we have a possible reason. She is insecure about their relationship and how real it is. Her face says everything, she notices it, she then tries to ignore it and tells herself everything is fine.

The audience notices this, obviously, and is like??? wait what's going on? Why does it say 'from Mike'?

They get the answer real quick.

Because right after this, is when Will bounds over.

They shot it so that he's kind of in between them, subconsciously placing a thought or idea in the audience's head about what the problem is between Mike and El, even though it's very implicit at this point. The audience should also have the slight idea in this scene that Will has feelings for Mike, and they get reminded of this fact when they see Will in the background. They're then like.... oh so that's why they having problems? Damn....

Before El even stops speaking, Mike sees Will. We can tell from the way that he literally takes his eyes off El and goes 'oh,' before doing the second 'oh!'. I bet if this was shot so you could see his face, this would be way more obvious, but they shot it so that we could see Will's initial happiness at seeing Mike instead.

Awkward bro hug... um yeah so this is one of the biggest byler proofs to me. I mean, why would you need to hug your best friend like that? When you are perfectly fine at hugging your other male friends? (He hugged Dustin in the first episode btw).

Given everything that we know so far, that Will has feelings for Mike because he made him the painting that El said is for someone he likes; that there must be problems going on in the Milkvan relationship; that Mike is hiding his face and dressing unlike normal.... yeah he's trying to repress something. He won't let himself hug his best friend. Will is acting normal, they could have made him the one not to hug Mike because he is in love with him, but they didn't.

Also, unlike the Milkvan reunion, his face and his reaction can be very easily seen here. They literally zoom in on both their reactions to seeing each other because it is more important than Mike and El's reunion. This is what the scene is about!! It's main focus is on the development of byler and the breakdown of Milkvan. There are like very little extras passing across the camera because the directors want you to focus on their reactions here and how Will and Mike are feeling.

Obviously, Will is dejected but Mike's reaction is more telling. On the right gif, he looks down. Maybe he sees Will's painting and remembers what El told him, which was that it was for someone that Will likes. In my opinion, Mike does not know that it is for him. In Finn's words: 'I don't think he knows'.

After seeing that painting, he instantly looks to other people for their reactions to the hug, maybe being like, hey guys was that normal enough? Did anyone see that? Showing how he cares about the opinions of those around him or maybe that he doesn't want to look at Will for much longer idk.

After that...

Okay so now he's ready to ask about the painting. There's a beat, then he asks 'Uh, what's that' in this kind of breathy, panicky voice. It's not a casual tone at all, it's very tense, and the audience can tell, because this makes the audience tense too. When I first watched it I was like AHHH because oh shit. He asks it like he knows something is up with it, he knows that Will made it and it's significant.

The next shot is a slide-up from the painting to Will's face. This could be in Mike's pov to show that he was looking Will up and down, and this shot is inherently kind of romantic in that way. Either that or it's simply just to focus on the painting before showing what Will's going to say so that the audience know he's talking about the painting.

You can kind of see the cogs working in Will's head in the very little time between 'um' and 'it's nothing', as he realises that he probably shouldn't show Mike the painting based on how Mike didn't hug him.

Also notice how in the gif, an extra walks by the camera as soon as Will is not entirely truthful, so why would this not be done with El and Mike's reunion scene??

Now, this further pushes the agenda that Mike didn't hug Will because of his feelings for him. The audience already knows that this painting is supposed to be a gift for someone that Will 'likes' based on El's letter to Mike at the beginning. The fact that Will no longer feels comfortable with sharing that painting means that he is more unsure of Mike's feelings now that he's seen him irl.

However, the way that Mike goes cool is supposed to be weird. It's supposed to show the audience that he's pretending. I honestly don't know whether it's bias or the directors or the writers or the actors somehow made it this way but the speed at which Mike says 'cool' kind of just implies that he was not ready for that kind of confrontation. He was not ready to confront his feelings or enter into an interaction with Will about the painting. Because it means he can't deny the fact that he's jealous of Will having a crush on some girl. So he quickly shut it down.

He doesn't want to feel the disappointment that Will just basically confirmed the painting isn't for him.

In season 3, he is very interested in knowing who Suzie is, Dustin's girlfriend, but when he knows that Will has made a painting for a girl he likes, he doesn't bother asking at all what it is or who the girl is. He doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Also, the fact he wasn't ready to feel like this and is so focused on Will is shown by how startled he is by other people breaking the moment.

Now this next part is so funny given what we have already been presented with. We already know that Mike is self-conscious about hugging his supposed best friend, and that he does not want to confront his feelings about the painting. He is trying to be someone else because he is wearing unusual clothes for him, trying to seem like a normal person in California. He didn't want to hug his best friend because he wants to seem normal. He's out of character.

"Oh no, no. It's a shitty knockoff."

Laughing my whole ass off.

This ties the whole scene together. It makes the audience go OHHH right he's just been pretending this whole time (if they have any sense). It's genius writing. Without Argyle saying this, we might never really have full confirmation on whether he is really out of character or whether this is just how he has always been. NO, he is lying to himself. He is pretending.

They did not have to make Argyle say this. Ever heard of double meanings folks?

And Mike's reaction?

This reaction has always kind of been interesting to me. How would you assume how Mike would react to someone insulting him? Usually he would scowl or look annoyed but here he doesn't, he almost looks worried. Like oh no he's just been found out lmao

After this there's an awkward moment spurred on by Argyle Mike's like 'yeah this is so awkward'.

Now, since I'm literally Mike and he is me, I know what he's doing here by saying this.

I've done it before, it's where you kind of say that it's really awkward in order to make it seem like you're not the one making it awkward, like you're blaming other people (which he always does).

But Michael, it's kind of your fault?? Like, you didn't have to do the bro tap, you also didn't have to act that way around Argyle.

BRO WE ARE HALFWAY THROUGH NOW LMAOOOO THIS IS SUCH A LONG POST

Now onto the next part, where El is talking about Rink-o-mania and she starts lying again. I have watched this scene over and over and literally Mike barely looks at her once, while he glances at Will multiple times. I feel like audience members don't catch this explicitly, but subconsciously, they can sense that there is tension between the two because of the way that Will is placed during this scene…

I counted them up in this video and Mike glances at Will..

6 Times

Just want to say before we talk about each glance, this scene is extremely telling. It tells you exactly, through subtext, what the atmosphere between Will, Mike and El is going to be like throughout the season/ the beginning of the season. It's textbook foreshadowing.

Will is standing off to the side while Mike has his arm like really tightly around El. They could have had this scene be a cute scene between Milkvan because of how close they are, but instead this scene is about Will's sadness, about how he was ignored by Mike. He's still holding the painting, so the audience are still aware of its existence and what it could imply for Mike and El's relationship.

This scene is also about El lying! Not about how 'cute' Mike and El are.

Okay so here is me talking about every single glance <3

"Wha- Really?" -- Could Mike make it clearer if he tried? I think this is the most obvious one that the audience could easily catch, if they are watching without distraction. Which is important, because it is the first one. He stutters over his words when he realises that Will is looking back at him. Sound familiar? In a much more obvious scene, he does this with the triple take in the desert... It's also kind of clear that they looked at each other because Mike and Will look down/ away straight after Mike goes 'wha-'

"Trust me" "No I trust you" -- So this one's a little more subtle and maybe to the audience it could seem like Mike's looking at El, but then the camera turns to focus directly on Will and him looking at Mike with disappointment. I don't think he's upset about Mike completely ignoring him, but he's upset about this weird little awkward dance they're doing. The reaction from Will is because of the uncertainty. The fact they focus on Will with a single shot at all instantly makes this scene about his emotions primarily. This becomes a pattern.

"Rink-o-mania..." -- This one's also super subtle. I'm not even sure why Mike looked at Will here, but it is clear that he's not looking at El, if you want to slow it down then you ig. Maybe he sensed that Will was staring at him just a few seconds prior.

"Are your friends gonna meet us there?" -- Even though he is speaking to El, he looks at Will. This kind of shows that even when he is supposedly thinking about El and what they are going to do together, subconsciously, his mind is still on Will. This can then be seen in the Rink-o-mania argument when it is revealed that he has been focusing on Will's reactions all day when the audience believes originally that he was ignoring him: "You were! You were rolling your eyes, you were moping, you were barely talking, you basically sabotaged the whole day!" Mike, Mike, Mike. Your girlfriend being bullied didn't ruin the day, Will being pissy to you did? ANYWAYS THIS ISNT ABOUT RINKOMANIA JHDGASJHDG

"Friends what friends?" -- So this fifth one is kind of ambiguous because he has his visor on, hiding his expression and where his eyes are looking. But you can see with the way his head turned, that he was looking at Will because of the way he said "Friends what friends?" This is probably just Mike being confused on what's going on, then. BUT it is another thing that makes this whole scene not about 'uwu mike and el awww' but about Will's feelings or the fact that El's lying and the unstableness of their relationship.

"Angela?" -- This one is very notable. Firstly, here is what we know: Mike knows about the fact that Will has probably done the painting for a 'girl he likes'. Mike thinks that this 'girl' isn't him because Will says 'it's nothing'. Mike maybe thinks that El's friends are also Will's friends. AND Mike does not want to ask Will about the girl he likes because he doesn't want to know about Will liking someone else/ he does not want to confront his own feelings. So, The way that Mike looks at Will with that kind of dead expression, (and he actually does a little double take) is super duper telling. You don't know what he's thinking but if you read into it, he could be thinking that Will was feeling hopeful that Angela would come and is kind of nervous for it.

Finally, El says "I want this day to be about me and you!" which is meant to be ironic. The showrunners would not have put this little line in if it wasn't supposed to be funny tbh..... like this whole scene was about how El was lying and she's suddenly saying it's just about them.

Because of what she says as well, Will rolls his eyes and crushes his painting a bit. (HEARTBREAKING)... The fact that he rolls his eyes is probably just him being annoyed about what she said, because it further makes him feel like the third wheel. The scene ends with his eye roll, emphasising how this whole scene was about how Will is feeling, not the "Main Couple Of The Show tm??" But alsoooo, he crushes the painting :(((( meaning he was also feeling heartbroken a little by the fact that they are acting very coupley and Mike doesn't seem to care about him oops, since the painting is for him.

OKAY IM DONE LMAOOOO

In conclusion, this scene is about byler in the first half, and the flaws of Milkvan and Will's feelings in the second half. This scene is meant to foreshadow the arc between Will, El and Mike which transpires in the rest of the season. The bro tap is the gayest thing I've ever seen, and did not have to be included in this scene. It could have been Will that was awkward. It shows that Mike has changed. He has changed ever since Will moved away and he had that realisation. In season 3, Mike seems confused, unaware of his feelings. But now, in this scene, in only 2 minutes, we know for sure that Mike is in denial. He knows.

Anyways

Byler Endgame.

#byler #byler endgame #byler nation #mike wheeler #will byers #mike wheeler is gay #byler evidence #byler proof #byler is canon king??????? (sorry)

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maddyjones2 · 3 months ago

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On not idolising creative people

In the wake of the various recent allegations involving Neil Gaiman, people have been both very sad that someone who they looked up to as an inspiration has, allegedly, turned out to be something less than entirely admirable, and are now looking to see who is now left that they can rotate into the spot of “the good dude,” i.e., that one successful creative guy who they think or at least hope isn’t hiding a cellar full of awful actions. One name I see brought up is mine, in ways ranging from “Well, at least we still have Scalzi,” to “Oh, God, please don’t let Scalzi be a fucking creep too.” Which, uhhhh, yeah? Thanks?

I have many thoughts about this and I’m going to try to make sense of them here, as much for myself as anyone else, so this may be messy and discursive and long (seriously, 3600 words, y’all), but, well, welcome to me. So, ordered by how these things come out of my head:

1. Stop Idolizing Creative People. Creative people are easy to idolize because they create the art you love, and that gives you permission to feel things, and to see yourself and your desires reflected in that art. That is a powerful thing, and from the outside, it can feel like magic, and that the people who do it are tapped into something otherworldly and admirable. Plus, they often get to have cool lives and get to know other cool creative people. They do things that are removed from the day-to-day aspect of a “normal” life, and they’ll even post about them on social media where you can see them. Sometimes, independent of their art directly, they’ll speak about their life, or life in general, and they’ll seem wise and considered and kind. I mean, what’s not to like?

But please consider that this is all an extremely mediated experience of this person. The art is the edited and massaged result of hours and days and weeks and months of work, into which the work of many others is also added. My novels originate from me, but it’s not just me in there, nor is the final form of the novel an accurate statement of who I am as a person, not least of all for the simple reason that I am not trying to tell my story in my novels. I’m creating fictional characters, and the world in which they make sense, for the purpose of the story.

Despite how it might look from the outside, this is not sorcery. It’s years of experience at a craft. It’s not magic, just work. A completed novel (or any other piece of art) won’t tell you much about the specific, day-to-day life and inclinations of the individual who made it, other than a general nod toward their competence, and the competence of their collaborators. Likewise what you see of their lives, even from the illusorily close vantage of social media, is deeply mediated. Lives always look admirable at a distance, when you can only see the lofty peaks and not the rubble at the base — especially when your attention by design is pointed at those lofty peaks. There’s much you don’t see and that you’re not meant to see. The vast majority of what you’re not meant to see isn’t nefarious. It’s just not your business.

Now, before I was a professional creative person, I was an entertainment journalist who spent years interviewing writers, directors, movie stars, musicians, authors and other creative folks. Since I’ve been on the other side of the rope, I’ve likewise met a huge range of creative people from all walks of life. Please believe me when I assure you that creative people are just people. Richer and/or more famous? Sometimes (less often than you might think, though). Prettier and/or more charismatic? Especially if they’re actors or pop stars, often yes! But at the end of the day they are just folks, and they run the whole range of how people are. By and large, the day-to-day experience of getting through their life is the same as yours. Outside of their own specific field of work, they don’t know any more about life, have no more facility for dealing with the world, and have just as few clues about what’s going on in their own head, as anyone else.

They’re just people. Whose work is making the stuff you like! And that’s great, but that’s not a substantive basis for idolizing them. It makes no more sense to idolize them than to idolize a baker who makes cookies you like, or the guy who comes and trims your hedges the way you want them to be trimmed, or the plumber who fixes your clogged drain. You can appreciate what they do, and even admire they skill they have. But holding them up as a life model might be a bit much. Which is the point! If you’re not willing to idolize a plumber, then you shouldn’t idolize a creative person.

(“But a plumber doesn’t make me feel like a creative person does,” you say, to which I say, are you sure about that? Because I will tell you what, when my sump pump stopped working and the plumber got in there, replaced the pump and started draining out my basement which had an inch of standing water in it, that man was the focus of all my emotions and was my goddamned hero that day. My plumber that day did more for me than easily 90% of the great art I’ve ever experienced.)

Enjoy the art creative people do. Enjoy the experience of them in the mediated version of them you get online and elsewhere, if such is your joy. But remember that the art is from the artist, not the artist themselves, and the version of their life you see is usually just the version they choose to show. There is so much you don’t see, and so much you’re not meant to see. At the end of the day, you don’t have all the information about who they are that you would need to make them your idol, or someone you might choose to, in some significant way, pattern some fraction of your life on. And anyway creative people aren’t any better at life than anyone else.

Which brings up the next point:

2. Fuck idols anyway! People are complicated and contradictory and you don’t know everything about them! You don’t know everything even about your parents or siblings or best friends or your partner! People are hypocrites and liars and fail to live up to their own standards for themselves, much less yours! Your version of them in your head will always be different than the version that actually exists in the world! Because you’re not them! Stop pretending people won’t be fuck ups! They will! Always!

This sounds more pessimistic about humans than perhaps it should be. When I say, for example, that people are hypocrites and liars, I don’t mean that people take every single opportunity to be hypocrites and liars. Most people are decent in the moment. But none of us — not one! — has always lived up to our own standard of behavior, and all of us have had the moment where, when confronted with a situation that would become an immense pain in the ass if we stuck to our guns, or demanded the inconvenient truth, decided to just bail instead, because the situation wasn’t worth the drama, or we had somewhere else to be, or whatever. We all choose battles and we all make the call in the moment, and sometimes the call is, fuck this, I’m out.

Every person you’ve ever admired has fucked up, sometimes really badly. Everyone you’ve ever looked up to has secrets, and it’s possible some of those secrets would materially change how you think about them, not always for the better. Everyone you’ve ever known has things about them you don’t know, many of which aren’t even secrets, they’re just things you don’t engage with in your day-to-day experience of them. Nevertheless it’s possible if you were aware of them, it would change how you feel about them, for better or for worse. And now let’s flip that around! You have things about you that even your best friends don’t know, and might be surprised to learn! You have secrets you don’t wish to share with the class! You have fucked up, and lied, and have been a hypocrite too!

You are, in short, a human, as is everyone you know and every one you will know (pets and gregarious wild animals excepted). And all humans are, charitably, a mess. This doesn’t mean there aren’t good people or even exemplary people out there, since there are, along with the ones that are, charitably, a real shit show. What I am saying is that even the good or exemplary people out there are a mess, have been morally compromised at some point in their lives, and have not lived up to their own standards for themselves, independent of anyone else’s standard for them.

One of the aspects of being an “idol,” I think, is that higher standard that other people expect of you — that in every situation where the aspect they idolize you for is in play, you will act in a manner that is right and correct by their standard, which of course you will likely not know about because you don’t actually know them (or often know that they exist). This is, by definition, an impossible standard to be held to — you didn’t agree to it, or to engage with it — and an impossible standard to hold other people to without their direct consultation. Every human made to be an idol is destined to fail at the job. You don’t even have to have feet of clay! You just didn’t know you were on a pedestal to begin with.

(This does not excuse shitty action. The fact people should not be idols in the first place is not exculpatory for the choices one makes on one’s own. If you’re sexually assaulting people, or being a racist or sexist or homophobe or other flavor of bigot, or using your situational power coercively (as just a few examples), then hell yes you are going to be called out on it. And to be clear, it is not unreasonable, to put it mildly, to expect people not to sexually assault other people, or not to denigrate other humans for being who they are, etc. But this only adds to the point about idols, now, doesn’t it. You don’t know what you don’t see, and you don’t know what you’re not seeing, until it is hauled out into the light one way or the other. If it is hauled out into the light at all.)

I don’t think anyone should idolize anyone, ever. It’s not great for them, and it’s not great for you, they probably didn’t ask to be idolized (and if they did, holy shit, fucking run), and in the end unless you’re so completely wrapped up in their lives that they have no secrets from you — which is never — you don’t know enough to make that call. People do it anyway, and then disappointment happens, but they shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Stop idolizing people. It’s not fair for anyone.

What to do instead? Enjoy their work, if they’re a creative person. Appreciate the kind and good aspects of their life that you can see, and the decent actions they undertake in public, with the knowledge that what you see of them is a mediated and elided version. Understand that we all have a different version of ourself for every person we meet, and that every person we meet has a different vision of ourselves in their head, and very often, those two versions are not the same. Like them, based on what you know of them! Love them, if it comes to that. And when and if you learn something new about them that you didn’t know before, let empathy guide you to a new understanding of them and what they mean to you.

And now, taking all of the above into consideration:

3. Absolutely 100% do not idolize me. I don’t deserve to be idolized because no one deserves to be idolized, but also, holy fuck, I do know me and I’m a mess. There have been lots of things in my life that I’ve done that have not been admirable or kind. I can be petty and shitty and competitive and cruel. I am lazy and inattentive and when I let things slide (which is often), I end up jammed up on my responsibilities, which makes me irritable and no fun to be around. I have a temper which goes from zero to sixty almost instantaneously; if I’m not actively paying attention to it, I can become a sudden, unreasonable rage monster, which is a burden to people I love, and I hate that fact about myself (pro tip: don’t travel with me, the rage monster comes out a lot then).

I can be controlling and demanding but I want other people to handle the details, i.e., executive asshole. I am strategic in a way that can be bloodless. When I’m insecure I brag a lot, which is unflattering. If you cross me, I won’t go out of my way to make your life miserable (that would require effort on my part), but I will absolutely enjoy when you take a literal or metaphorical tumble down the stairs. God knows I’ve enjoyed the failures of the people who have spoken ill of me, almost as much as I’ve enjoyed the fuming, spittling rage they’ve felt when I’ve succeeded. I spent years cultivating a snarky persona online and while that was fun (for me), I’m increasingly aware that when the tally is added up for Who Ruined the Internet, I’m not necessarily going to be where I want to be on that particular ledger.

And these are only the bad qualities of mine I wish to admit to you at the moment. There are others, I assure you.

So, yes: Who wants to idolize me now?

“But you seemed so nice when I chatted with you online/met you at the convention/saw you at that one place that one time.” Well, thank you, I’ve been in the public eye in one manner or another for three and a half decades now and I understand my assignment; my public persona is friendly and engaging and sociable and mostly fun to be with. It’s not a fake version of me — I am all those things! Honest! — but, again, it’s a mediated version of me designed not only to be a positive experience for the people who meet me but also to get my actually introverted ass through a whole day of events at a convention/festival/book tour/whatever. When I’m done I collapse into an introverted hole. When I came back from Worldcon this week, I slept for 15 hours the first day I was home. It wasn’t just because of jet lag or con crud.

I rather famously call my public face “performance monkey mode,” and likewise what I say about my (current) online mode is that I’m cosplaying as a better version of myself, one that is kinder than I used to be online, and more patient than I am in the real world. If you meet me when I am “off” then you will find that, again, these versions of me are me, just with some things dialed up and other things dialed down. But even that is still a different version of me than, say, the version of me which is at home (which is in fact extremely boring; that version of me doesn’t talk much and mostly stays in my office).

Many of you who have followed me over the years are familiar with me saying things like this, of course, and are likewise familiar with me pointing out that there are a number of things about my life that I don’t mention in public, for whatever reasons I choose. But it’s also true that I’ve been actively online for 30+ years now, and people feel reasonably confident that they have a good bead on me and that there’s not much about me that will surprise them or change their understanding of me. So to bring home the point there are indeed things you don’t know, allow me to surface just one previously unaired fun fact:

I have a concealed carry license.

(Or did; it expired this year and I didn’t renew it, because Ohio changed its laws so that you no longer need a permit to conceal carry in the state. These days in Ohio you can just wander about with a handgun stuffed down your trousers without training or licensing because that’s a real good idea, now, isn’t it. Nevertheless, the license is not necessary anymore so there was not much point in renewing it, although if the law had not changed, I probably would have renewed.)

Why did I have a concealed carry license? Well, ultimately that’s not important. The point is I had one. I didn’t talk about it before because, among other things, the point of a concealed carry license (to me, anyway) is that its existence is not meant to be known by anyone other than that great state of Ohio itself. I am aware, and this is a dramatic understatement, that I am not a person most people would expect to have had such a thing. That the fact I had one will cause a number of people to reconsider what they know about me, for better or for worse. Which is also my point. All y’all have just learned this thing about me! Think about all the other things you don’t know!

Oh, God, this is where Scalzi starts admitting to terrible, terrible things. No. I feel pretty confident I live a tolerably ethical life. Part of the reason for this is that I have what I think is a decent operating principle, which is: If I’m thinking of doing something, and Krissy called me right then and asked “what are you doing?” and I would be tempted to lie to her about it, then I don’t do that thing. Because Krissy is the most important person in my life, and I don’t want to lie to her about what I’m doing (I have lied to her exactly once. She knew instantly. I haven’t bothered lying to her since). This is not replacing Krissy’s ethics with my own; it’s me knowing whether by my own ethics, I would be ashamed to tell to her what I am up to. It works very well. As such, the Krissy Test is an operating principle I highly suggest to others, although I’d suggest replacing Krissy with whomever your life is most important to you.

Be that as it may, my ethics are not universal and some others might not find them sufficient, for whatever reason. I am well aware I still disappoint many people, and that there are people who find my life choices, known positions or public statements (or lack of them, as the case may be) problematic, or who simply wish I would be other than what I am. I can’t help them with this, but again, this is the point. Given the fact that I am a fallible human who has an entire stratum of his life not visible to the world — and the strata of his life that are visible cause significant numbers of people to be irritated and exasperated — is it not better just to not hold me up as an ideal person, or the “good dude,” much less an idol of any sort?

I mean, shit. What Would John Scalzi Do? Solidly half the time, I have no fucking idea. I have to think about it, whatever it is. I have to think about whether I know enough to do or say something about it. I have to decide whether it’s something I want to engage with at all, and whether my engagement with it is something that would be of value to anyone, me included. I have to decide whether engaging with it is worth the shit I will get for it. And then I have to figure out what it means that I am engaging with it, since like it or not I’m a Dude of Reasonable Significance in My Field. I try to be a decent human, when people are looking at me and especially when they are not. But I also know me, and all my flaws and weaknesses and compromises.

What Would John Scalzi Do? The best he can, in the moment. Is that sufficient? For me, yes, most of the time. Is that sufficient for you? That’s up to you.

The point to this all is that people are just a big fucking mess, including the ones you might for whatever reason find admirable. I am no different than anyone else, and you should not be under the illusion that I am anything other than a shambling collection of flaws embedded inside a human form, which also, in its defense, has some pretty excellent qualities as well. We’re all this way! You too!

And while I want you to like my work, and to enjoy the version of me that you see here and elsewhere, don’t put me, or any other person, on a pedestal. Pedestals are wobbly and and don’t give actual humans a lot of room to move. We will inevitably fall off. Keep us with our feet on the ground. That way, when we stumble, there’s a chance we can get back up, and keep going.

— JS

#good omens #david tennant #michael sheen #neil gaiman allegations

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sylusjinwoon · 6 months ago

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{ 161 }

the dark knight.

jinwoo sung x fem.reader

you had just started out as a hunter when you were introduced to a tall man donned entirely in dark armor; a man who was shockingly hidden from within the depths of your shadow.

being labeled as an a-rank hunter, you had some skills, being highly proficient in using a weapon that you had spent most of your life perfecting, training with it ever since you first awakened as a hunter.

and by some miracle, you were accepted into an extremely well-known guild:

ahjin guild, ran by the famous sung jinwoo himself.

his story was nothing short of a miracle; a once weak, e-ranked hunter somehow managing to gain strength by unknown means, rising up the ranks with ease before quickly being labeled as the world's strongest hunter within what seemed like mere months.

unfortunately, you recall your own conference and introduction to the scene being lackluster in comparison, with your eyes remaining bright with hope as you spoke with some confidence during your interview. you promised your nation to use your strength as a sole means to protect those who could not defend themselves, earning a polite, round of applause from the audience.

you remember that day vividly, trailing your eyes across the crowd before your gaze landed on someone who stood out the most to you.

glowing, purple eyes were shining with amusement, and his applause actually seemed genuine the more he looked at you. even when you had caught him staring at you, he never once looked away from you.

and it was more than enough to make your whole body tremble with excitement in response.

shortly after your introduction, the chairman reached out to you, telling you that the president of ahjin guild wanted to speak to you, putting you directly in contact with jinwoo. the tall and handsome man then shook your hand while making you an offer you couldn't refuse.

"join my guild and you'll be paid handsomely."

the excitement that coursed through your veins was nearly indescribable, since you were so certain that you would be able to prove yourself to him; to gain some confidence as a hunter while joining jinwoo during these high level raids.

yet oddly enough-

this didn't seem to happen.

instead, you were often left at his office, working on sorting through applicants and reports for the guild while he went alone on such raids. when you asked the other members, jinho and soohyun, if this was normal, they would simply shrug and nod their head yes.

"yeah, i just help the prez look at the reports and stuff. haha, he lets me post on my insta account and has no issues with me lazing around sometimes."

"ah... the boss takes me with him on raids sometimes, but that's only to provide him with equipment. usually, boss doesn't even fight. he uses his shadow soldiers to do all the work during raids."

with both of their admissions swirling within your mind, you could feel your mounting fury growing from deep within you.

you did not become a hunter and join his guild to do mere office work.

you became a hunter to fight.

and you were finally going to do something about it.

your president was currently in his office, and when you looked into his office, you saw his grey eyes looking bored while pouring over some paperwork. with a click of your tongue, you enter his office, causing jinwoo to look up at you with a calm expression.

he says your name before looking back down at the paperwork. "hello, is there something that you need?"

red hot anger was still felt surging through your veins when you take quick strides toward him. you slam the palm of your hand against his stack of papers, preventing him from reading any further.

jinwoo meets your gaze with a raised eyebrow all while leaning back in his seat.

"you're upset."

"no shit, sherlock!" you hiss at him all while pointing an accusing finger at him, "when i first joined your guild three months ago, i had every intention of fighting by your side- not by being your secretary!"

his eyes begin to steadily glow purple again. "don't get too cocky. lately, there have been several a- to s-level gates appearing all across seoul. and you are certainly not ready to face them yet."

"w-what gives you the right to decide that for me! i have spent over 10 years training, being labeled as an a-rank! i can do these raids just fine!"

"you've had zero experience. you could get killed." jinwoo's voice was now filled with venom when he stands from his seat.

"i would have had some experience if you just let me join you on your raids!" you scoff at him, eyes practically shimmering in response to your anger. "and just why do you care if i get killed or not? if that happens, then at least i died for a good cause!"

suddenly, jinwoo's eyes flashed with an unknown emotion, the sensation being potent enough that he had to bite down on his bottom lip. you ignore the strange feeling of guilt that fills you, taking a step back, your voice shaky when you tell him.

"there's an a-rank gate that just appeared, and i'm going with or without you."

"don't you dare-"

jinwoo was about to stop you, but you were faster, flashing him your middle finger before taking advantage of your speed, running away from him and the rest of your guild. you ignore their cries of your name while following the coordinates on your phone to where the gate was.

within what felt like minutes, you arrive at the bright red gate, seeing several authorities push back the civilians that got too close to the gate. a determined expression paints your features as you duck beneath the yellow tape and step into the gate's periphery.

"halt, the members of the hunters guild has not arrived yet. i was given strict orders to not let any other hunters pass through-"

"i am a member of ahjin guild, and i was told by my president to start scoping out the gate. hunter sung says that he will be here shortly." you purposely lie through your teeth, watching with satisfaction when the man's eyes widen with response.

"you're a member of a-ahjin guild, with hunter sung's arrival being soon? then by all means, go on and enter! we're all counting on you!"

you adjust your hold on your weapon while giving him a nod, stepping through the red colored gate with your head held high.

the moment you went into the gate, you felt a little nauseous at the sensation of shifting into what felt like a different reality. surrounding you was a thick forest made even denser by the fog. had you have been a normal human, then there was no way your eyes could see through the fog-

you considered yourself lucky that you could make out the many beasts taking shape from within the fog, brandishing your weapon as you began to work, slashing through each monster that dared remain in your path.

your confidence was building; with each stroke of your weapon, you felt a strange sense of satisfaction as the monsters fell to their demise. the passing of time was unknown to you, yet you never once stopped your movements until you were certain that every monster had been defeated.

you stand amidst a pile of fallen bodies, the fog now clearing as your sight became even clearer in response. taking a step forward, your footsteps made a crunching sound against the ground when a sudden sensation of something powerful looming over you stops you in your tracks.

your breathing becomes labored when you felt an overwhelming presence behind you. you turn around slightly, only to let out a silent scream upon seeing a monstrous spider with venom dripping down its claws.

"shit!"

knowing that you couldn't properly defend yourself from its poison, you try to dash away from it-

but its gigantic form easily caught up with you, and you watch from your periphery as it raised its clawed legs toward you, slamming down on you with a slash! as it manages to pierce through your armor.

"UGH!" you let out a scream of pain, feeling the blood pouring from your wound as the poison spread through you, paralyzing you. you were filled with panic now, feeling your entire body go numb as you struggled to crawl away from the spider.

with each movement, you saw your shadow lengthen from behind you, the sight being so unexpected and strange that you stopped moving. your eyes remain rooted on your shadow, watching with wide eyes as what looked like a tall and muscular knight appear from your shadow's depths.

his glowing, purple eyes acknowledge you for a brief second before he takes a protective stance in front of you. your breathing comes out in labored gasps, watching as he brandishes two daggers before quickly gaining up on the poisonous spider.

the beast didn't stand a chance, for within seconds, the dark knight slashes through its body, seeming to make thousands upon thousands of cuts on its body. you could feel a deep breath escape from your lips in a labored manner as the beast falls, the putrid scent of its blood filling your nostrils, making you nearly gag in response.

as if sensing your distress, the knight that crawled out of your shadow faces you, taking quick strides towards you before placing your pliant form in his arms. as he held you, you became shocked at how solid he felt.

did all shadow soldiers feel this... real and alive?

unable to speak, you allow the shadowy knight to carry you back to safety, appearing within the forest's clearing as his raspy and deep voice spoke to you.

"unfortunately, the exit has closed. we will have to wait until it opens up once more. it may take a couple of hours."

he settles your body on the ground, reaching behind him to pull out a vial filled with a golden liquid. "drink this, it will get rid of the poison's effects."

the knight uncaps the vial for you, tilting the elixir into your parted lips as you swallowed the liquid, emptying the vial as the knight tosses it aside. within a few minutes, you felt the sensation return back to your extremities. testing out the movement on your arm and legs, you call out to the shadow soldier.

"did jinwoo set you up for this?"

he was silent for several seconds before letting out what sounded like a huff, "yes, you could say that."

"tch, why is your master such an asshole?"

the soldier seemed taken aback by your outburst. "a-an asshole? you view my liege in such a manner?"

you narrow your eyes a bit, noticing the slight break within his voice. thinking that it was nothing (for now), you sigh and shake your head, moving up your legs so that you could rest your chin against your kneecaps.

"what did jinwoo name you?"

the shadow soldier was quiet again, as if deep in thought before answering, "he did not give me a name, but many refer to me as 'the first.'"

you hum and look down at your torn armor. "do you respect jinwoo?"

"of course i do... do you?" first asks you in a seemingly nonchalant manner.

"begrudgingly yes." you admit to him with a pout, picking at the ends of your ruined armor. "i hate how cocky he is all the time... and how he's always right."

the last part comes off as a mere whisper, catching the dark knight's attention.

"you think he's always right? how so?"

you could feel the tears of frustration appear in your eyes, "it's just... i hated how jinwoo won't let me join him in his raids... i wanted to prove myself; to prove myself worthy of him."

"worthy?" your words seem to have piqued the knight's interest.

"yeah... i just really admire and respect him." you finally admit to the shadow soldier with your cheeks heating up in response. "i used his story as motivation for me to become brave and stronger, and i wanted so badly to fight by his side! but he never would let me..." you sigh and meet the knight's gaze, "you have no idea how happy i was when i was able to enter this gate and fight...!"

your body began to shake as you began to curl up in response to your admission, "but, i fell short. i couldn't take out the boss of this dungeon... and i got severely paralyzed because of it. jinwoo was right, i wasn't ready-"

"but you were brave and tenacious despite it all." the soldier interrupts you, preventing you from speaking ill of yourself any further.

you saw wisps of shadows appear from your periphery and a sharp hand gently framing at your face. your head was then gently tilted upwards as you were forced to meet first's gaze.

"i was wrong... you're strong enough to take on anything... and i shouldn't have held you back."

when cracks were seen in his dark armor, you felt your eyes go wide in response, the shadowy armor now disappearing as it revealed a familiar man to you.

"looks like i ran out of mana... i can't keep up this appearance anymore."

your throat turns dry, seeing jinwoo dressed only in his dress pants as his entire upper body remained bare. you kept on sputtering his name when his large hand frames at your face. jinwoo lets out gentle coos of your name, resting his forehead against yours while pressing a kiss against your skin.

"do you want to know why i was so eager to have you in my guild... and why i never let you do anything?"

feeling overwhelmed at his sudden transformation, you could only manage a nod in response.

jinwoo chuckles a bit, wrapping his arms around you as he brought you even closer to his chest. "the reasoning is simple, my dear, and it's solely because i wish to protect you while remaining close to you."

your breath hitches in response to his confession, causing you to meet his gaze once more, "y-you... you want to protect me?"

the s-ranked hunter's eyes began to glow a deeper shade of purple, seeming to shine with pure mirth before admitting to you, "of course i wish to protect you; i want to protect every single person that i love-"

"and that especially includes you."

your heart was suddenly felt racing within the confines of your chest, with you being held tightly within jinwoo's embrace with his lips hovering over your own.

"...may i?" his voice becomes uncharacteristically shy, and you manage to give him a shy nod before jinwoo dives in towards your lips, sealing it perfectly in a kiss that conveyed his love and devotion toward you.

and with his lips perfectly slotted against yours, you figured that there was no better way to pass the time than to share a million kisses with the man that you have always admired and adored.

a.n. - so re-reading solo leveling's later chapters, where he fights antares, i get so heated, remembering how hot he looked donned in armor made of complete and utter darkness, like dear god jinwoo, just take me- I AM YOURS! 😭

all stories are written by rei; reposts, translations, and plagiarism are not allowed.

#sung jinwoo x reader #jinwoo sung x reader #sung jinwoo x you #jinwoo sung x you #solo leveling x reader #solo leveling #sung jinwoo #jinwoo sung #.stories

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rhiannonsknife · 7 days ago

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oh i am OBSESSED with that detective!r and rhiannon fic... if you don't mind i have Thoughts about it

it's a little different from what you proposed but detective!r who doesn't know rhiannon but rhiannon knows you... she always comes back to the scene of the crime and lately she's been noticing this pesky little detective sticking your nose where you don't belong

so, she does some research. and by god, she's obsessed with you

she's stopped killing people for her own personal reasons - she's completely consumed with killing to see your reaction, the way you curse out the killer under your breath every time you see a new body

when she starts writing your name in blood at the scene, you know that you're in far too deep to go back

to make it even better, you've tried interrogating her. she was one of your most pleasant witnesses and she even offered to take you out to get coffee. the whole time you were there with her, she was so sweet and so kind, offering to pay for both of your orders. she couldn't have anything to do with it; she was just an innocent girl who was caught in the crosshairs of this gruesome serial killer. right? right?

need her so effing bad UGHHH -🪐

— warnings: canon typical violence/dark content. obsessive!rhiannon & possessive!rhiannon. gn!reader. some suggestive content. didn’t beta read (as always).

— a/n: this ask had me thinking omfg.

rhiannon who gets obsessed with you the moment she first sees you.

it all starts the moment she first sees you at the scene of her latest kill. she tends to linger, to watch from afar to see how the investigation is coming along. it’s not like people tend to pay attention to rhiannon’s presence anyway, so she’s comfortable to stay and see what’ll happen. you’re different from the other detectives, she instantly senses that. and, oh, how she hates it -at first. you’re clearly underestimated by your colleagues, despite the fact that you’re much better and smarter than all of them combined. you catch details others are unaware of until you point them out with an intensity rhiannon hadn’t expected. for the first time ever, she feels a thrill from something other than killing.

that night, she spends hours researching all that she can find out about you.

sprawled out on her couch, rhiannon spends hours combing through your social media, any public records, and every small mention of your life she can find online. by the end of it, she knows your favorite coffee shop, the route you take to work, and even the way you laugh, thanks to an obscure interview clip she found buried online. she imagines what it would be like to meet you in a “normal” setting. just two strangers talking over coffee. she imagines all sorts of scenarios, picturing countless ways of how she could get you to notice her. but that’s not enough. she needs more.

rhiannon who starts killing for you.

before she 'met' you, she'd been killing for her own satisfaction the most of all: murdering people who wronged her, people who continue to underestimate her, who pretend like she's not there at all 90% of the time. that is until she meets you. once she has gathered enough information about you and has learned that you are the one who's taking over the investigation of her murder case, she makes it her mission for you to see her. she's consumed by the idea of murdering for you.

obviously, you can't figure out that it's her. but she can still very much get your attention:

when you start to find your name scrawled in blood at multiple crime scenes, your stomach twists. you don’t know if it’s taunting or a bizarre kind of flirtation, but you can’t shake the feeling that this killer has an extremely personal fixation on you. rhiannon finds a sick satisfaction in knowing that she’s the only one who truly understands you. and that soon, you’ll understand her, too.

rhiannon, whose obsession only gets worse.

she starts following you around, whether it's by walking after you at a safe distance or by driving her dad's truck. only being in your presence thrills her. she can't think of anything that's not the next kill and what she can leave behind for you at the crime scene this time. after a while, you start to receive anonymous letters at your home. they’re handwritten, sweet, and yet filled with hints that leave a chill down your spine: each one contains personal details only someone very close (or very obsessed) would know. you start to dread going home alone each night, wondering if the killer is watching even then.

and, still, you're determined to catch this killer.

it's almost like you're just as obsessed with solving this case: you work relentlessly and stay in for much longer than anyone would ever know, sometimes running on no sleep at all just to try and connect the dots that are scattered all across your hometown in from of bloody crime scenes. once, while working late, you glance up from your desk to find somebody outside the station, watching through the window. it's just a silhouette that waves and, before you can react, turns and disappears into the shadows.

she makes watching you from afar a habit she can't seem to shake off:

hidden in plain sight, she watches you work a scene, observing your expressions as you piece together clues she’s laid just for you. the way you curse under your breath or tense at a particularly dark detail excites her; it’s like she’s guiding you through a personal maze, she’s drawing you closer with every carefully crafted move.

rhiannon, who even goes as far as to leave gifts for you right at your doorstep.

they’re seemingly innocent items: flowers, trinkets, chocolates...always with notes like “you looked tired today” or “thought you’d like this.” but you know better. there’s nothing innocent about these gestures; they’re reminders that she’s closer than you think. in one of her letters, she writes: “every kill is for you.” the revelation is twisted, sick even, but the obsessive way she describes her admiration for you leaves you feeling trapped in her gaze. you start to wonder if this chase will end only when she’s taken everything from you. or if you’ll end up her final victim.

at this rate, she catches feelings for you before she even knows what's happening to her:

she follows you on a night out, intrigued by how you relax away from work. when you laugh with friends, she feels a strange jealousy toward anyone who’s close to you. to rhiannon, this outing feels like an unofficial date, watching you from a corner as if she’s already a part of your life. later, she imagines herself sitting beside you, whispering her secrets in your ear, knowing she could charm you if given the chance.

rhiannon, whose obsession which was originally supposed to be a cat-and-mouse game that she was in control over, turns into a sense of possessiveness.

alone in her room, she whispers your name just to hear the sound of it aloud. she fantasizes about how you’d react if you knew she’d been studying you so closely if you knew that every kill from here on out was a twisted attempt to draw you closer. rhiannon, who somehow steals something from you, whether it is by sneaking into your home whilst you're out or by reaching into your purse in passing. either way, she uses it, later that same night, when she's home alone and dares to touch herself to the thought of you. she finds herself almost longing for you to figure it out, to see her completely. she’s begun to view each kill as a love letter, a message only you can fully understand, and in some dark corner of her mind, she starts to believe you might actually feel the same way.

but even that is not enough for her. she wants you to know her. to look at her, without the slightest clue who's really in front of you.

so, rhiannon plays the role of the clueless witness: after a particularly grisly scene, she shows up at the station, pretending to have seen something, and strikes up a surprisingly casual conversation with you. she even convinces you to take a break for coffee: she offers to buy, her voice light and friendly, as if she’s not the very person keeping you up at night.

rhiannon, who starts accidentally running into you.

she begins appearing in unexpected places: your favorite bookstore, the cafe near your precinct, and even outside the gym. she plays it off like coincidence, but you can’t shake the feeling she’s watching you. every “chance” encounter leaves you more on edge, especially as her excuses get flimsier, her curiosity too intense for a stranger. her gaze lingers just a bit too long, and she throws out casual details she should never know about you. but then again, there's no way this innocent woman could ever be responsible for all these gruesome crimes, right...?

you brush off these suspicions, not really believing that rhiannon could be capable of these murders.

and still, during another coffee date (which become a habit between the two of you) she drops a casual line, mentioning a detail about your personal life you never told her: maybe the nickname your family used or an obscure detail about your childhood. when you press her about it, she insists that she read it somewhere or “just remembered” from one of your conversations. but her gaze lingers, enjoying how much she’s unsettling you.

rhiannon, who starts acting possessive over you without really noticing it herself.

out in public, she lets her fingers brush against yours. she’ll throw an arm around you casually, especially when she notices other people noticing. to rhiannon, it’s a game of establishing her claim, marking her territory.

after some time, she finally invites you to her place, claiming she wants to “return the favor” of all your coffee dates.

when you arrive, the atmosphere is too perfect, too staged, with dim lighting and chillingly specific music playing softly. every word she says feels more like a veiled confession, every look a taunt as she watches you grapple with the tension between attraction and horror. it’s not until you see a framed newspaper clipping of one of her murders in the hall that you realize she wanted you here for more than a simple dinner...

#rhiannon lewis #rhiannon lewis x reader #sweetpea #🪐 anon

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itsgodepi · 8 months ago

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If I lose my mind | Ch. 9

Series summary: When you're buried under a mountain of problems and can’t seem to catch a break, it might feel like you need a complete reset. But did it really have to come with a one-way ticket to a new dimension? Surely, a little problem-solving would’ve done the trick. Or, one day you go to sleep as a normal person and the next you wake up as a Formula One driver. You've never been a fan but isn't it like, one of the most exclusive sports? Pairing: CL16, LH44, CS55, DR3 x fem!reader Chapter: Previous | Next Word Count: 2.7k

Warning: mention of extreme diet Also on AO3

You recognize his laugh now. Not the one recorded by the nosy photographers or the overstepping interviewers, but the real one. The way he leans his head to the side and his eyes turn into beautiful crescent moons. Those low chuckles as well, so carefree and sweet, resounding in your head and bringing you back to the hundreds of videos saved in your camera roll, the ones you have been watching for nights on end since you found that phone.

It is difficult to decipher if the goosebumps raising in your skin come from the happiness the mere sound induces inside you, or the fear of realizing how deep you have been dragged into this nightmare.

After landing in Belgium, Daniel’s first instinct had been to message you. An invite out for dinner which he admitted was long overdue. Two months had already gone by since you fainted in Austria —or better said, the day you woke up surrounded by a whole Formula 1 team in an unknow place—, two months since he fought with Nick in the middle of the track and promised to ‘talk later’. Two months.

Safe to say you were surprised enough to ignore the hundreds of messages higher on the chat. It’s better to take in this kind of news one by one.

“My friend said the steak tartare was amazing, you should have a look at it” Daniel offers when you lower your eyes to the menu, skimming over the dishes as if that could help you ignore the tingling on your stomach

Pursing your lips, you finally focus your gaze on the words written before you. “I don’t know if…” you begin to show your doubts about the raw dish, trying to locate it on the menu among the rest of unrecognizable food names.

Daniel can see the exact second you find it.

“Don’t you dare look at the price,” the driver threatens when your eyes widen at the quantity, eyebrows furrowed as you wonder if the meat is wrapped in gold or something “You’re not paying again, I’m telling you!”

“What do you mean again?” you ask through a chuckle, scanning the rest of the menu for a more reasonable option. After all, it is always Daniel who shares his gummies and unhealthy treats when you're out on the track, not the other way around. It would have been impossible anyway, it’s only recently that you have acquired some form of payment.

Daniel calls for the waiter after a shake of his head, a smirk falling of his lips “Yeah, sure, I’ll let you play dumb now... gave them my card already, so no use in sneaking to the bathroom and paying behind my back”

To be fair, although you doubt you could have invited Daniel to more than a sip of coffee in the short time you’ve know him, those kinds of antics do ring a bell or two.

After all, you may have picked them up from the best at that game: your father.

On your time away from home, you have found yourself holding onto this little pieces of your family which have so easily become a part of your personality over the years. Your father’s silent gestures of love, your mother’s caring nature, and overall the love they had for you. Honestly, being unable to talk to them had taken a toll on you. Probably, that is why you had melted into a poodle of tears when you heard your dad’s voice on the phone.

“¿A ti te parece normal estar dos meses sin llamar a tus padres? (Does it seem normal to you to go two months without calling your parents?) "

Even hearing his scoldings felt like the most precious moment of your life.

Charles had come crashing into the room as soon as he heard your cries, kneeling beside you on the floor thinking you might have hurt yourself with how fast you had run away from the entrance. His concerned look rapidly turning into one of confusion when you firmly held his hand and whispered between sobs “It’s my dad!”

A reality check so sudden that it took your breath away.

The discovery of this new device had not only opened a channel of communication with your family, which had both been a blessing and a curse, but also brough an infinity of unanswered questions. A whole new part of this life.

Although the first few minutes of your conversation had been centered around your mother’s question about your wellbeing and if you had been eating well, it had not taken long until that precious moment was broken. After checking that you had been doing alright and apologizing for not talking to them, your father could not hold it any longer and started gushing about the amazing few races you had had before the break.

When you finally found your voice again, you had cut the conversation short with promises to call them soon —even if the mere thought of it made you nauseous.

In that moment, their happiness and eagerness to congratulate you on the highest place of your career, had managed to sober you up completely. You heart sinking with every compliment they threw at you, their desire to see you climb up in the sport, to see you win one day.

“It will come” your mother says, as if any of this was real. As if they were real.

This encounter only renewed your desire to break free from what had become you own personal prison, and that device was a new key for your escape. While the phone you had been carrying since the start of this journey only had a couple numbers from the team members saved on it, this one was filled to the brim with messages, photos,... a whole life encased in such a small object. Your life?

And somehow a main character in a large part of them was the man in front of you.

“You sure you don’t want to taste it?” Daniel queries with a half-smile, having clearly caught the way your eyes followed the delicious looking cake as the waiter placed it on the table

The colors rise to your cheeks in shyness, looking to the side while you jokingly sigh “Daniel, I won’t fit in the car if I keep eating...”

“You’ll drive mine then” he quickly resolves, taking a huge piece of the treat and offering the spoon to you. Honestly, you had swapped the list of amazingly sounding desserts for a simple tea because you felt too full to even think of eating anything else, but a spoonful of cake can’t hurt, right? “Have to wear the McLaren suit though”

Although you do it unconsciously, the look you give Daniel over the mouthful of cake, tells him everything he needs to know regarding your opinion on the bright orange race suit. The driver lets out a loud laugh, putting on his disbelieving facade as if that hadn’t been his intention in the first place.

“So nice hearing you criticize my team’s color, really, I don’t know why we stopped having lunch together. Yeah, not a clue...” Daniel scoffs, digging into his plate to drown his fabricated sorrows. So dramatic.

“I didn’t even talk!” you quip back to his amusement, just now having managed to get through the enormous bite of cake. Daniel only response is a disapproving shake of his head, and you let him have this one as you stir your tea. You are more interested in the second part of his grumbles “Why did we stop though?”

“Don’t know... I guess with the whole start of the season, new team and everything” Daniel relays with a frown, gesturing to the air as if to explain that life had gotten in between what seemed to be a tradition the two of you had. “And also, that fucking diet...” the driver snickers with a roll of his eyes, having thrown that last jab as joke to lighten up the mood after such serious turn of the conversation.

However, a soon as your eyes meet, he knows it’s been a misstep —even if it is just a coincidence that what he thinks is your how dare you say that? look is more of a what diet are you talking about? Look.

“Sorry, ‘shouldn't have said that” Daniel apologizes straight away, leaning back into his seat with a sigh and the last piece of the cake. The time it takes him to munch on the treat is enough for him to debate whether or not he should make his opinion on such an important cmatter. Finally, he opts for a more conservative approach “It’s just... you already know what I think about it. Nick too”

The mention of your Formula One trainer’s name makes all the alarms go off in your head, more so when the last time you saw them together, they were having a pretty heated conversation in the middle of a Grand Prix “Is that why you fought with Nick?”

You try to appear outwardly calm about the situation, swirling what’s left of your tea as if your hands weren’t trembling in anticipation. This is it, at last, some real information. Not some meaningless clues which do nothing but mess with your poorly constructed theories.

Your grandmother’s necklace burns against your chest, the feeling grounding you against all the thoughts brimming on your head. After all, the piece of jewelry is still the only fragment of an ever-distant reality, one you have kept safe and close to your heart ever since you found. You rest your hand over the pendant, sensing the heat even through the fabric of your blouse, as you wait for the response.

He brushes a hand over his curls, looking everywhere but at you. “Yeah, kind of... I mean,” he accepts, clicking his tongue and taking in a big breath, as if he couldn’t bring himself to say it plain and clear. Daniel takes a second to reorganize his thoughts, straightening up in his chair and leaning his arms over the table in deep thought. However, when you think he’s managed to make up his mind and talk, the only words that come out his lips are “Look, we shouldn't talk about this now”

A frown instantly forms on your expression at the premise, jaw set as you prepare yourself to most likely yell at Daniel everything that’s been on your mind thorough your time trapped here —whatever here means. You were finally going to clear one of the millions of unknowns surrounding this dream or whatever this is, and the man has the audacity to want to leave this incredibly important conversation for later. Oh, hell no.

“No, listen” Daniel tries to settle your worries, having perfectly recognized the signs of what was about to come for him, from the slight closing of you hand over the table to the uncredulous grin lightly lifting the side of your lips “We’ll talk in the ride back to the track. C’mon, I’ll drive you”

The soft sound of the radio fills the silence on the way out of the parking, a ballad which does absolutely not fit the speed at what your mind is running. Daniel can probably feel the weight of your stare, trying to let him have some space since it seems to be a sensitive topic for him, but so eager to learn what transpired between the two of them.

The driver decides to preface his explanation with a “Don't get mad at me, okay?”, a strained smile pulling at his lips. For starters, that sentence does sound familiar. “I know I should stay out of it, and I think... well, no, I know! I know you’ve been really stressed out lately, that everything’s different now and all of that. I mean, they won't shut up about the fucking ‘second year in F1’ or whatever”

Daniel tries to check your reaction out of the corner of his eye, his thoughts, although disorganized, always careful of your feelings. Yet, you can only regard him with a confused look.

“What I’m trying to say is... I think you’ve been pushing yourself too hard” the driver lets out, the words flowing out of him like they have been weighting him for too long. His urge to explain his intentions straight away, showing how much of a push back he was expecting from your part "Again, I’m not trying to start an argument, I’m just worried about you! I’ve seen you training, seen that diet... this is not good for you”

You’ve kept your eyes in the road in front thorough the conversation, taking in how concerned he has been about you. You had never seen this side of Daniel, he has always seen friendly and eager to help whenever you needed, but nothing had ever seen this deep. Still, you don’t understand what any of this has to do with his fight with Nick.

“I understand that...” you acknowledge his worries, making a mental note to check everything he said later. In the time you had spent following this professional motorsport driver schedule, none of it had seemed as harsh to you as he had mentioned. Maybe something changed? Why though? “So, Nick and you talked about that? Is that it?”

“Well, yes, Nick and I kind of had a... disagreement, yeah, we can call it that. About this new training plan you had going on. We had already talked about it like, back in Canada, and obviously nothing came out of it. But after Austria...” Daniel lets a second go while he enters the road, a harder grip on the steering wheel than needed. “Listen, I know we haven’t talked about it at all, I don’t know if you and Nick did?”

You almost want to laugh at the supposition, your trainer had shut down any attempts of talking about it the day after the incident, so you had eventually given up “No, nothing”

“I didn’t want to pressure you into talking about it but... We got really scared that day. I went to celebrate your qualy and, suddenly, you started panicking and freaking out! I didn’t know what to do, and then you fell unconscious. Do you remember any of it?” the driver wonders, his voice showcasing the whirlwind of emotions he went through despite the fact that he might be giving you a diluted version of what went down. You can only nod at him, the memories fresh on your mind “When they took you to the hospital, I thought, they for sure won’t let her race tomorrow, right? And then I see you on the track, all dressed up again, I couldn’t believe it...”

“Didn’t Nick say he sent you a text?” you try to fill in, fingers fiddling with your own phone. Two months might have passed, but the images of that day keep replaying in your mind every single night.

Daniel clicks his tongue in disbelief, eyes still focused on the road “Yes, he sent me two fucking lines saying the doctor discharged you, that you were fine and that’s literally it. You can take my phone and see it for yourself! I kept blowing up his phone but that’s the only thing he would say: exhaustion, she’s alright”

That would explain the way Daniel approached you in Austria, how furious he had been with Nick after the secrecy with which the incident had been treated. The first thing he asked you that day was if you were alright, after the pre-race activities had finished and as away from the public as he could knowing you were in the middle of a Grand Prix. That is why he pounced at Nick when he mentioned the exhaustion diagnosis, fed up with the discourse. The distrust he had in your trainer’s statement clear in his words.

Yet another thread to be pulled.

Next Chapter

Author's note: Hey, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It's been a while! My masters is clearly kicking my ass and I didn't have a single second to write, but here it is. Thank you all so much for reading, any kind of interaction is greatly appreciated!

Taglist: @purplephantomwolf @raye2000 @yuiiimd @drezzerk33 @leclercdream @homie0sapien @minkyungseokie @carlossainzwho @rewmuslupin @kyuupidwrites @raevyng @lazybot @gills-lounge @hiraethrhapsody @jjkclub @darleneslane @therealcap @aespie

#daniel ricciardo x reader #carlos sainz x reader #charles leclerc x reader #lewis hamilton x reader #f1 x reader #f1 fic #f1 x you #formula one x reader #formula one x you #f1 imagine

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spacy-snail · 1 year ago

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Parts of the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes movie that did the book dirty

Spoilers!!

…

• Snow is the one to suggest feeding the tributes, not stumbling across Sejanus already doing it

• The downgrade of the whole rat problem/rat poison thing

• Grandma’am is nice now???

• The almost total removal of Clemensia’s character, her being a weird suck up instead of her making a normal teen lie, and the fallout showing the absolute apathy Dr Gaul has (and also making Snow realize he can’t even trust the Capitol)

• Dr Gaul literally spelling out what the snakes do and Clemensia still sticking her hand in that stupid snake tank

• Not having Snow calling Lucy Gray “mine” in a creepy way even once to show how he feels he has ownership of her from the very beginning

• The EXTREME downgrade of Snow and Sejanus’ relationship, and the weird bond he has with the Plinths in general

• Ma Plinth erasure

• Tigris erasure

• Getting rid of Arachne’s funeral

• Snow not going out of his way to get Lucy Gray a guitar

• Having a blink and you’ll miss it throwaway line of the tributes and Academy students that died in the explosion

• Not showing the other tributes that did the interview

• Not showing Mama Snow’s compact until Coriolanus deciding to give it to Lucy Gray

• Lucy Gray and Snow didn’t kiss before she went into the games??? I feel like that added and extra layer of her wanting to survive but idk

• The erasure of the iconic “it’s not over until the mockingjay sings” line

• The drones never being fixed was a super weird choice and I’m not sure if I liked it or not

• Snow being super suspicious and running out to put something with Lucy Gray’s scent in the snake tank instead of just getting lucky and putting it in there on the off chance instead of it being predetermined

• The Games ending with the snake scene instead of Lucy Gray having to be clever to outwit her opponents, like I get it’s dramatic but that scene with Dr Gaul was just so weird to me

• Highbottom TELLING Snow to sign up for the Peacekeepers instead of just implying it and also telling him to keep his identity anonymous instead of Snow doing it out of pride

• Sejanus not telling Snow about the diploma he literally bargained for for him

• Sejanus showing up on the train instead of after Snow gets to District 12 and has to wallow in what his life is now before having finally having someone that actually knows him

• Snow not having IMMEDIATE beef with the mockingjays

• Snow not calling Sejanus his brother until the moment he betrayed him

• Them playing the Jabberjay audio at the hanging instead of Snow having to sit with his guilt and finding out via the commander was so so SO cringy omg

• Snow finding out he was going to District 2 BEFORE finding out about the hunt for the guns and who killed the mayor’s daughter was so so weird like why did they choose to do it in that order I feel like it took away all suspense of wondering when the other shoe was going to drop

• Lucy Gray looking that man in the eye and calling herself a loose end while he has a gun in his hand and not getting shot then and there was the most unrealistic part of the movie istg

• Not showing the Plinths in the apartment with them at all and just kinda having a throwaway line about where the money’s coming from

• Dr Gaul never says that she destroyed all evidence of the 10th game because of everything that happened with Snow, Lucy Gray, Sejanus, and the other dead Capitol children

• Snow not throwing away the morphine and Highbottom digging to get it, and instead just leaving it on the desk, idk it takes away the agency of the murder to me, less like an accident and less thought out (and on top of that, not showing how meticulous he was with poisoning the morphine so it couldn’t be traced back to him)

#i liked the movie for the most part #especially the music and pretty much every scene with lucy gray #but these things irked me #i’m sure i’ll have more after i watch it again #the hunger games #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #tbosas #the ballad of songbirds and snakes spoilers #tbosas spoilers #coriolanus snow #president snow #lucy gray baird #sejanus plinth #snail scribbles

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kingcons · 19 days ago

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The substance is the most upsetting movie of the year to me. Full disclosure, this isn’t any ground breaking stuff you’re about to read, just me writing down my thoughts. Most of which have probably been said before by now. But it you want to read my ramblings, here ya go:

Spoilers for the whole movie below. If you haven’t seen this movie and like extreme horror (specifically body horror) please watch it. It’s fantastic and possibly my new favorite movie.

Sue and Elizabeth both deserved a chance at happiness. That is the thing that kills me about that movie. Under all the gore and grimness and camp it’s just so fucking sad.

Anything one does to the other is just them doing it to themselves. You can try to kill the part of you that hurts or fails or is ugly or weak or older or more scarred or not as nice - but it’s part of you. You are one, as the movie says over and over. This is such a tragic movie to me.

Aging is body horror. This is partly because of societal pressures and toxic beauty standards, but it’s also a slow crawl to death. It’s watching something you need to live break down and fall apart in front of your eyes and not being able to permanently fix it. Death is an inevitability that comes for us all, but aging can be worse for some. When we die, whatever may happen to our soul or if anything even happens at all, it’ll happen whether we want it to or not. There’s nothing to fear in the inevitable, but there’s also no reason to rush what may be your only shot at existence. And if you do want to live a long filled life, you have to accept that aging is a part of it.

Elisabeth being so desperate for perfection and for her career back is a story that’s as old as time. It’s not really her fault she was pushed to use the substance, but it is her responsibility that she fully carried out making a new ‘better’ version of herself. She doesn’t really have any friends or family more than that, just a big luxury apartment with a giant picture of herself at her peak. It stares at her all the time, and it’s what she tried to be everyday. But even as Sue, suddenly that wasn’t even enough. She needed to be better and more beautiful.

It broke my heart when Elisabeth tried to kill sue despite how she ended up looking. She didn’t care anymore, she just wanted to live as pain free as she could. And it was a further tug on my heart strings when she regretted this. Because Elisabeth had accepted sue as a part of herself, and was tired of hurting that part because it was hurting her. She just wanted it to end. She just wanted things to go back to normal and they can’t and it’s all her fault and she literally has no one in the world but her and her ‘more perfect’ self for comfort. And her ‘more perfect’ self then proceeds to brutally kill her.

I know it was mostly to hurt Elisabeth’s feelings but sue’s tv interview where she made up a story of her family is also oddly sad to me. She doesn’t have that. She has memories of Elisabeth’s life, but she has defined herself as a different person now. A person who came into existence in their early to mid twenties combined with the split consciousness of what was essentially her own mother. Of course she’s fucking terrified of switching back. Not only does Elisabeth herself like Sue’s body more, but to switch would mean she’s no longer in control and it would mean having to live in a decrepit and dying body who she herself has twisted beyond recognition. Then for Sue to be almost killed by her own giver of life (herself), lash out and try to kill the part of her who is unloved, and realizing that part of her even from after death is having the last laugh almost, as she literally falls apart piece by piece on what was supposed to be a magical night just for her.

Of course, we have to talk about their final form. Monstero Elisasue. Quick side note, I honestly don’t think Sue was stupid or irresponsible for using the activator even though it warned it was for single use. I think literally anyone in her shoes would do the same thing. She was breaking down in front of her very eyes and dying in such a slow and horrible way that she was desperate to do anything to stop it - to do anything to still be beautiful. She was in a crisis both physically and mentally.

Back on track, I think there’s definitely something to be said about although this was never meant to happen, the substance still made this in an attempt to create ‘a better version of both Sue and Elisabeth’. And it IS. not physically, of course, but emotionally this is when they finally accept themselves as one person and love themselves again. It’s so sad to me because elisasue was not evil or violent, but because she looked so horrific, it didn’t matter that she was happy to the crowd. They were terrified of her and killed her. Elisasue is not a monster, despite looking like one. She’s a new being. A copy of a copy. When she says “it’s still me” it breaks my heart because she genuinely thought she’d be accepted and loved just the same but instead she was met with violence and fear. She lived for only a few hours, and in that time she was shown nothing but hatred. Because it didn’t matter that she was happy, it only mattered that she couldn’t make money anymore. That is of course reading into the symbolism, the reality of what happened showed some understandable reactions even if they weren’t kind. Being disgusted and terrified of elisasue is pretty reasonable given how she looks and just what she is. I’m not saying she’s gonna win any modeling competitions any time soon. But I am saying that she finally figured out there was more to life than looks and youth and fitness and that, right there, is what thematically gets her killed.

At the end with her on the star, I felt almost relief for the first time watching that movie. She’s genuinely happy. She doesn’t care that she’s literally just a face and some fleshy tendrils, she’s truly happy and at peace. I don’t even know if she’s aware she’s dying at that point or if she just doesn’t care. Maybe she can’t comprehend it because her new form is so different from her first one. She dies after melting into her stardom. She gave everything to her career and it gave her nothing back. But at the very end, she’s at peace. She’s finally who she wants to be without the pain of toxic beauty standards. And she just fades away, like the universe finally decided she’d suffered enough for being human.

There’s a lot I could talk about with cinematography, music, sound design, lighting and practical effects, but I’ll do that another time. This is just me talking about my thoughts on the story and characters.

I rate this movie:

9/10. The only reason it’s not 10 is because I think the origin and creation of the substance is a bit poorly explained. However, that’s such a small detail that it doesn’t offend me. Also because I HATED the nail in the elevator scene that made me cringe. But yeah, this movie fucks hard. If you think you have the stomach for it, do not miss out. It’s very hard hitting and surprisingly sad. It blends crazy body horror with tragedy quite well.

very reminiscent of the fly, Raw/grave, it follows, the thing and even somewhat doctor who (anyone remember the eleventh doctor two part episode ‘the flesh’?) Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley are phenomenally talented. I am desperate for them to do horror or drama in future, they fucking killed it. Such talent and skill. Bravo. Coralie Fargeat is a very very good director, too. This idea and execution for this movie were wild and brilliant and awful and terrible all at the same time. She’s a true artist and I hope she does a lot more fucked up things in future.

#the substance #spoilers #the substance spoilers #movie review

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writing-for-marvel · 2 years ago

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Everyone's Watching Him (But He's Looking At Her) (4)

Actor!Bucky Barnes × Assistant!Fem!Reader

< < PART 3 | Series Masterlist | PART 5 > >

Summary: Bucky begrudgingly undertakes his press tour and PR relationship with Sharon as you question if you can continue your job whilst watching him fall in love with someone else.

Warnings: shy & insecure reader, angst, idiots in love, miscommunication, soft fluff and an extremely happy ending 👀

Word count: 4.0k

A/N: photo credit by @bwsebastianstan, dividers by @vase-of-lilies

Main Masterlist | Ask me anything! | Taglist | Library

You can’t even look at him.

That’s what destroys Bucky the most.

The past week he’s been completely deprived of the soothing comfort he feels when your eyes meet his in a crowded room.

You’re seemingly so disgusted that he would stoop so low as to fake an entire relationship to promote some stupid movie that you can’t even look at him.

Between all the cameramen, producers, make up artists and rotating allotment of interviewers, whose eyes are all focussed on him, you’re the only person in the room who isn’t gazing in his direction, when your attention is the only one he cares about.

Each time he looks up, eyes instinctively searching for you, it feels like a dagger twisting in his heart to find you’re still acting as if he’s not there. Bucky’s found himself perpetually stuck in your blind spot, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt as alone and desperate for someone to notice him whilst simultaneously being the centre of attention, in all his life.

No one’s interested in the movie, the intricate plot, the dynamic between the characters or even the difficult stunts he performed himself, all anyones asking questions about is Bucky and Sharon’s supposed relationship and the manner in which they got together after months of filming.

He can’t blame Sharon for playing the part perfectly, like the extraordinary actress she is, this is her chance to create a name for herself in this ruthless business and she’s pulling out all stops to make it count.

But Bucky hates it.

This is not why he became an actor and it would mortify his younger self to think this is all his career boils down to.

“And cut!” Someone yells and all of a sudden the room bursts to life again. He’s barely focussed on the questions being thrown at him, opting to let Sharon take most of them because it feels less dishonest that way. The fewer words he says, the less lies come out of his mouth and it makes him feel ever so slightly less guilty lying to the entire world.

Sharon squeezes his hand to grab his attention and gives him a look which screams ‘try harder’, but because they’re surrounded by a hoard of people she can’t actually say it aloud.

Maria’s on the phone beside one of the cameramen, and even through all the bustling noise, he can hear the distinct sound of her making arrangements for ‘the happy couple’. Dread settles in his stomach which sinks beneath the floor like an anvil.

To top it all off, he looks beyond where Maria is standing to find you busy discussing something which much be exceedingly important with some other crew members. Normally you’d be watching on with a reassuring smile, and when his gaze would meet yours, everyone else would melt away and it would seem like you were the only two people in the whole world. But he can’t exactly blame you for doing your job.

Bucky suddenly feels extremely claustrophobic, caged in by the bright lights, cameras and people working in the limited space provided by the set. It’s like his body is viscerally holding in his last breath until you turn around and look at him, and he’s suffocating waiting for something he intrinsically knows won’t happen.

He stands up, waving off the make-up artists who are rushing over from their station to ensure Sharon and himself look perfect for the next interview.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” He mumbles, not waiting for permission he knows he wouldn’t receive before trudging away to his dressing room.

Bucky relishes the moment alone, away from the mayhem, having the space to take a breath and calm the swarming anxiety in his chest. It’s not as effective as the comfort you provide whenever you are in his presence, but he knows it’ll have to do for now.

At that moment Becks’ name flashes on his phone and guilt pangs in his stomach that he’s forgotten about until now. He’s been ignoring her calls all week - his excuse is that he’s been insanely busy since the premiere, but he knows the real reason is because she’ll be disappointed he hasn’t told you what she could so plainly read on his features when the three of you were in the same room.

He hits ignore once again with the internal promise that once he summons enough courage to disclose his feelings for you, he’ll return her call. Ringing with either fantastic news, or in need of consoling a broken heart.

“Bucky?” He hears your voice call his name and he immediately turns around to the source, heart skipping a beat seeing your eyes land on him for what feels like the first time since under the dim light outside the premiere venue a week ago. He takes a couple seconds to commit your features to memory, knowing burning the image in the back of his mind will help him gather the strength he needs to return to the monotonous stream of interviews.

“Yes?” Bucky enquires to break the silence, something that even now, when he’s positive you’re avoiding him because you’re opposed to his promotional methods, has never been awkward between the two of you.

“They need you back out there.” Before he can even so much as thank you for the instruction, you’ve closed the door and he’s all alone again.

He can barely function only seeing glimpses of you. There’s a certain quality about you that no matter how tired he is of answering questions and interacting with people, he’s never too fatigued to be around you. Time spent with you allows him to recharge, and without that it feels like he’s running on empty.

Bucky takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and picturing how he felt the night after the infamous Alexander Pierce interview when you stayed up with him until the early hours of the morning, laughing at old movies and throwing popcorn in each others mouths, before he carried you to bed and seriously considered climbing in next to you.

Those are the memories with you he cherishes, even more so now that you’re giving him the cold shoulder, and is what will keep him going for the rest of the day. Probably even the rest of his life.

And with that happy thought, he’s ready to take on the next interview.

* * *

You feel your heart sink below your stomach for what feels like the thousandth time this week.

Each interviewer is asking the same damn question, ‘how did the two of you get together?’, which of course prompts Sharon to deliver the same damn response each time. You could recite her answer word for word at this point, but it doesn’t make hearing it yet again any less painful.

It’s a recurring nightmare you’re unable to wake from.

You do your best to keep busy, which isn’t all that difficult when there’s a million different interviewers rotating through who you need to provide copies of Bucky’s ‘no go’ list in an attempt to prevent a repeat of what happened on Alexander Pierce’s late night show.

But Bucky and Sharon are the eye of the storm, everything revolves around them, so it’s impossible to avoid their relationship altogether, nor the hollow, sinking feeling settling in the pit of your stomach when you catch a glance of them lovingly smiling at each other.

With each rotation of interviewers your resilience dwindles further. It’s only been a week, but you’re just about ready to break. The doting glances, the constant stroking of his arm, the intertwined fingers, adoring hand kisses, are each an additional stab to the heart which brings you closer to your demise.

You really would think of them to be such a cute and affectionate couple if one half of the pair wasn’t the beginning and end of your whole world.

You want to go home and cry your eyes out until the headache you get from being dehydrated is worse than the ache in your chest from your breaking heart.

As someone yells ‘cut’, the room coming to life with a frenzy, you do your best to fight the urge to look at the main stage where Bucky is currently sitting. All your instincts tell you to sneak a glance, but you know deep down seeing them together will bring about a heartache you’re sure you’ll never recover from.

So as arduous as it is to avoid staring at the same eyes that bring you a never ending supply of comfort and reassurance, and that seem to soften each and every time they notice you, without fail, you choose not to. Because at this point, the fear of more agony outweighs the morsel of solace you might find.

Why are you subjecting yourself to this?

To him, you’re just an assistant. Someone to do the organisational tasks that he either doesn’t have time for or purely doesn’t want to. A job multiple people who aren’t life shatteringly in love with him are qualified for.

You’re positive there will not be a day that goes by in which you will not be in love with James Buchanan Barnes, but quitting as his assistant would allow you a small fragment of peace that constantly being around him and Sharon will never allow.

That even if he isn’t yours, you wouldn’t have to watch him be someone else’s.

Perhaps that’s the most tranquillity this cruel world can grant you now.

Are you really about to do this?

In your moment of reservation you make the mistake of looking over to Bucky, in hope that seeing the handsome face which never fails to give life to butterflies in your stomach, will remind you why you do this job, but what you see instead does the exact opposite.

Sharon leans over the minimal space between the two chairs and kisses him, lingering for a few agonising seconds before pulling away, all toothy smiles as they intertwine hands.

Your heart crumbles into irreparably small pieces and you have to force yourself to heave a shaky breath.

It is unfortunately not the first time you’ve seen the two share a kiss, but you determine to yourself it will be the last.

You’ve made your mind up. You can’t endure this any more. You’re done.

After the last interview tonight, you’ll hand in your resignation.

* * *

As you knock on the door and twist the handle in response to Bucky’s mumbled ‘come in’, you feel yourself approaching the bottom of the seemingly eternal abyss you’ve been falling into since learning that Bucky is dating Sharon.

When you feel the sensation while sleeping, you get the relief of waking up, but the past week has been a nonstop, agonising plunge.

Though you’re nervous about how he’ll react, and petrified that in a moment of weakness you’ll disclose romantic feelings you want to keep secret in order to justify your departure, you’re certain this is the right decision, and that provides you the drop of courage you need.

“Hi.” Even in just the single syllable you can tell he’s completely worn out, but there’s a hope and longing in his eyes at the recognition it’s you who’s entered his dressing room that even his exhaustion can’t quell.

He hasn’t even put up a defence to what you’re about to do, but even just by looking at him, at those damn steel blue eyes which shine bright enough to illuminate even your darkest days, you question if you can go through with it.

Bucky looks at you expectantly, knowing you must have come in for something. There’s a small part of you, despite what you’re about to do, that makes your stomach clench at the thought that even though you’ve been avoiding him the last week, he still smiles when he sees you.

“I’m handing in my two weeks.” You manage to say, but your voice is weak and lacking any kind of conviction. It sounds more like a question than a statement.

“What?” His smile turns into an expression of shock in the time it takes you to blink. He stands, knocking his chair backwards, but his eyes are wide and only focussed on you. “I don’t accept your resignation.”

“Well then it’s a good thing it’s technically Maria’s management company that employs me. I just came here as a professional courtesy.” You turn to leave, unable to look at the undeniable hurt in his eyes and on his features you’ve caused. That will be your legacy to him, your last action in his life will be wrought with the agony of abandoning him.

“Is that all I am to you? A formality?” His words make you pause. As much as you need to move on from your own heartache of watching him in a relationship with someone else, you can’t leave knowing he believes he means so little to you.

You turn back to look at him and it feels like you’ve been shot in the chest, seeing desperation and hopelessness brimming in his eyes. You’re the cause of that.

“Not even close, Bucky. You mean so much more to me, that’s the whole point.” You put all your effort into making your voice level and believable. You might be leaving him but the reasoning behind it is because you care too much about him, not too little. With time, you hope he can understand that.

“The whole point of what?”

“Why I’m quitting - do you really think I’d be leaving if you meant nothing to me?” There’s a flash of something in Bucky’s eyes that you can’t quite place, perhaps something of a revelation, but so much more profound.

“Then why are you leaving?” You can feel tears stinging the corners of your eyes. You are dangerously close to revealing deeper feelings you promised you’d keep to yourself, that you wouldn’t divulge to Bucky and put him in the awkward position of having to turn you down because he’s already in love with another woman.

The searing pain of vocalising your devotion, the inevitability of being rejected by him overcomes you and you find your heart won’t let the words of affection leave your lips.

You take a deep, steadying breath and find yourself staring at the floor merely because you don’t have the strength to look into his bewitching eyes.

“It doesn’t matter now.” Is what you say halfheartedly, though you do believe it. Surely it’s too late now to be of any consequence. He’s fallen for another woman, you’re just the expendable assistant, nothing can change that now.

“Yes it does! You matter to me, so why you’re choosing to leave my life matters to me.” Your heart aches. You might matter to him, but not in the way your heart needs. Not in the all consuming, life changing, inescapable way that plagues every second of his life as he does yours.

You can feel your heart beating in your throat as you respond to him.

“All I want is for you to be happy, Buck, and you’re happy with her. I’m not going to jeapordise that, but it doesn’t mean I need to torture myself by having a front row seat to your love story.”

“Doll, you are my happiness!” You try to ignore the way your stomach flips and heart clenches as a result of his words. He’s just trying to make you stay… he doesn’t truly mean that. But then he continues and your world comes to a complete standstill. “If you’re referring to Sharon and I, that’s all fake! I’m not dating her, I’ve never been interested in her like that, it’s all for PR.”

Your hands start shaking and knees feel weak as your mind works to process his words. This can’t be happening. It was all fake? But then your mind flashes back to the fondness in Bucky’s eyes as he looked at Sharon at the premiere, as well as the way your heart ruptured when Maria confirmed their relationship and you can’t give your heart permission to believe him.

“No… no, that’s not what Maria said.” You stammer, replaying her words in your mind as you had done continuously since that infamous night to ensure you hadn’t misinterpreted them.

“What did Maria say?” Bucky’s voice has an edge of irritation which is hard to miss.

“She said Sharon was your girlfriend, real girlfriend… that you’d started dating while filming together.” Maria had been sure, unwavering, almost clinically so. She left no room for doubt.

“I’m gonna kill her.” Bucky mutters, almost to himself. “Doll, none of it was real, purely written into the contracts for promoting the movie. I think Maria saw how I feel about you and for her own twisted reasons wanted to push us apart.” You have to remind yourself to breathe because every single cell in your body is so overwhelmingly focussed on Bucky’s words that even your vital functions have stopped.

“How you feel about me?” You repeat his words breathlessly, unable to process their true connotation for if you’re wrong, it would surely end your entire existence.

Bucky’s eyes stare into your soul in a way that they never have before. He looks resolute, but somehow simultaneously vulnerable. Though you’ve seen him at his lowest, the fragility he’s openly displaying makes you suspect that there was always one last wall he kept part of himself concealed behind, shielding himself from one last heartbreak he just couldn’t bare to endure.

You observe in his eyes he’s pulled that wall down, and it’s like you’re seeing him, all of him, for the first time. And you’ve never been more in love.

“I was gonna tell you last week, after the premiere, but then you left and…” He shakes his head as he gathers his thoughts. When he looks up his eyes are filled with intent and don’t leave your gaze as he steps closer. You allow him to grasp your hands in his, his thumbs swiping over the backs of your hands affectionately and it takes every ounce of strength in you not to melt into his warm, musky scented embrace. When Bucky speaks there’s a crack in his voice. “The thought of you leaving takes away all my air, I can’t fucking breathe thinking that in two weeks you’re going to walk out of my life and never look back. I need you. You are absolutely everything to me. You are in every moment of my life, regardless of if you’re actually present for it. It’s you I will always search for in a crowded room. Whose eyes I find solace in and whose smile gives my life purpose. I live to be the reason for that beautiful smile. You are who I want to tell every good piece of news to first. Whose hand I instinctively reach for when I need the reminder I’m not alone in this isolating spotlight. Every moment of my life revolves around you. You are the nucleus of my world that I cannot live without.”

“Bucky…” You feel like you’re about to collapse. Your mind is racing too fast for any coherent thoughts to form, but warmth and adoration fills your entire body like a sugar high.

“Doll, please, you are it for me. There is no one else, even if you do choose to leave. You are my definition of love. You will be the person who I compare everyone else to, and I can already tell you with absolute certainty that none of them will even come close. There will never be anyone else for me, because it always has been and always will be you.”

You feel like you’re floating on a cloud, euphoria flowing in your veins and a warmth blooming in your chest so fiercely it almost feels like an ache. Tears sting behind your eyes, but you compel yourself to not let them blur your vision. You want to remember the pure love and devotion in Bucky’s eyes, how he’s looking at you like you truly are the only one in the world for him. As if, when he looks at you, everything else becomes hazy and you’re the only thing he sees.

All those moments, all the shared tender glances and lingering touches, all the generously sweet words you hope implied more than a simple boss-assistant relationship, it wasn’t just your imagination wishing he reciprocated your feelings.

Bucky had felt it too.

It was all real. So earnestly real.

“Bucky…” You reach up and cup his cheek, wiping away a stray tear which gently trickles from the corner of his eye with your thumb. He leans into your touch, closing his eyes and savouring the care in your contact. His prosthetic hand, which is still holding yours, gives you an encouraging squeeze, and when he opens his eyes again, his gaze is overflowing with adoration. “You are my home. The only reason I was going to leave was because I didn’t want to watch you fall in love with someone else. Loving you comes as easy as breathing for me. There is no one else in the entire world that I will ever love in that way, only you.”

You don’t even have time to breathe, for when those words leave your lips Bucky decides he simply cannot wait a second longer before kissing you. Though, you’re not complaining, it’s an urge you’ve been supressing constantly since you started working for him.

This kiss starts fast and frantic, you’ve both waited entirely far too long to express your love that you’re eager to feel as much of each other as possible. Bucky’s hands roam around your back, pulling you flush with him as yours start by cupping his face, before tangling in the long strands of his hair.

But when the realisation hits you both that you don’t need rush, that in fact you’ve got the rest of your lives to explore and memorise the intricacies of each other, the kiss slows to a sensual make out, taking your time to enjoy each other and what you’ve been longing for since the moment you met.

“Bucky?” You mumble his name against his lips, but he doesn’t allow you to say more then a single word and take a quick breath before his lips have covered yours again. You’re not sure how long you’ve been kissing him, but he’s clearly not done with you yet.

“Mhmm.” He hums into your mouth, hands slipping below the hem of your shirt, gliding over the smooth, bare skin of your back, sending shivers down your spine. He touches you gently, like you’re a precious flower he doesn’t want to crush, but rather preserve and admire for years to come.

“Take me home.” He pulls back, and your lips already miss being connected to his. You’ll never get enough of him, even if you were to kiss him for the remainder of your days.

He looks at you with a fondness and amazement that makes you think he can’t quite believe you’re his, even though your heart has belonged to him for as long as you’ve known him.

You tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear so you can have an unobstructed view of how he’s looking at you, soaking up the confidence which inflates in your chest when he gazes at you as if you hang the moon and stars in the night sky.

“As you wish, my love.” Bucky affirms, the twinkle in his eye makes excitement surge in your stomach - the night is far from over. He kisses you once more, savouring the feeling and to tide you both over until you make it back to his place.

Bucky takes your hand and refuses to let go as he proudly walks with you by his side through the studio, not giving a damn who sees the two of you together.

Part 5 > >

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Everyone’s Watching Him (But He’s Looking At Her) [Actor!Bucky Barnes] Taglist: @sunnyjane4 @valhalla-kristin @learisa @crispysublimecupcake @iamfandomwasted @blackwidownat2814 @hailey-holt @rosepetalsinwinter @wifeofbarnes @bucky-fricking-barnes-reads @vicmc624 @oliviagreen99 @gabshouse @raging-panda @priya212 @highlyintelligentblonde @buckyseddie @erynnnn @endless-summer-soldier @one-shot-plus-size @takeabreathdearh @its703pm @nefelibatansoul @theweekndhistorybook @albinotigerpython @goldenharrysworld @buckyslove1917 @supersanelyromantic @gothkitteh @ahrahrahraha @hopelessromantic423 @misshale21 @happeevacationday @farfromjustordinary @blackgirlbydna @mrsgweasley @readreblogfics @ashenc-blog @redbarn1995 @thewackywriter @missvelvetsstuff @broadwaybabe18 @buckys2lut @arny-montana @calirindo @justfic @crazyunsexycool @helpishouldstudy @alluringsirensworld @sarahyk27 @aya-daydreams @hotleaf-juice @kareish @yukio369 @hjzmwoodz @sabbbsstuff @vespercarmichael @fanfic-freak-cevans @marygoddessofmischief @cevansswhore

#em writes #Bucky Barnes #Bucky #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky imagine #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky oneshot #Sebastian Stan #sebastian stan characters #actor!bucky #actor!bucky barnes

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flameraven · 3 months ago

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Very thoughtful commentary about artists, Neil Gaiman in particular, and parasocial relationships more generally. Excerpt:

They’re just people. Whose work is making the stuff you like! And that’s great, but that’s not a substantive basis for idolizing them. It makes no more sense to idolize them than to idolize a baker who makes cookies you like, or the guy who comes and trims your hedges the way you want them to be trimmed, or the plumber who fixes your clogged drain. You can appreciate what they do, and even admire the skill they have. But holding them up as a life model might be a bit much. Which is the point! If you’re not willing to idolize a plumber, then you shouldn’t idolize a creative person.

Which brings up the next point:

#john scalzi #neil gaiman allegations #parasocial relationships

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