#feel free to read it. we have fun
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I wanna know ur Fontaine msq criticisms šļøšļøšIām all ears
I'm not sure if you wanted me to talk about this secretly or publicly but! Here I go!
The TLDR: Fontaine MSQ aestheticised prison, poverty, child abuse, the justice system/court and didn't properly address any of it.
More:
Focalors/Furina has way too much of a sympathetic angle for a dictator who's lets people drown with her inaction.
Neuvillette feels Bad for sentencing some people to death/prison, but that's it. He's one of the most powerful people in Fontaine. If he felt like there are systemic injustices, I.E sending an abused Child to prison, he should be the first person to DO something about it, not just cry and be sad so the audience can be like aw, that's complex character writing isn't it? No it's not! And guilt doesn't absolve you!!!!!!! (These are stuff we deal with in OTCOJ read my fic now /j)
Meropide has children in it, both Sentenced there (Wriothesley) and BORN THERE (Lanoire), and this is just a quirk of the place. Not only that, Meropide accepts prisoners of all genders and crimes. There are abusers and abuse victims in one place. Do you know how bad that is? How much potential for crimes to happen in a place like thatā oh wait, Meropide isn't under Fontaine's jurisdiction. If you are assaulted as an inmate it literally means nothing to the court.
Wriothesley had no qualifications when he took over. Depending on how long he lived on the streets, how old he was when he killed his parents, how old he was when he was first taken in by the orphanage, etc, the man might never have more than 4ā5 years of formal education. Sigewinne probably had to teach him how to write reports. And do Meropide's spreadsheets. Edit because I forgot to elaborate on this one: This isn't a point brought up anywhere, which is bad, because when poverty and incarceration robs you of a proper education (and the rights to vote in many places too, too, by the way), it reduces your prospects for jobs, reduces many people's ability to get a home etc etc. Wriothesley was just, narratively, Given his position.
Meropide is an industrialized prison, and they portray this as a good thing. Prisoners are paid in coupons for their labour, and this is also portrayed as a good thing.
The One-Meal-A-Day reform was something Paimon gushed about being so great of a perk, that people might want to go to jail for food (could be interesting and reflective of systemic poverty if MHY had brains, but they don't, so I was just Pissed because essentially all Paimon wanted to say was "Prison isn't so bad, but still don't go to prison guys! Prison labour is really hard!"). By the way, in most real-world prisons they are obligated to feed you three meals a day. Because that's how much food a human needs. MHY went with one meal just so they can say "if you want to eat more, you have to work." And then the welfare meal is a goddamn gacha. So imagine you're a starving child who's too weak to work in the fucking robot assembly line, and you wander up for your first meal in 24 hours, only to luck in with a shit one. I'd kill myself.
They wrote Wriothesley, who's a victim of the system, into a guy who's say shit like "I'm the Duke I can do whatever I want" for a cool moment where he choke-slams an inmate (I know he was a bad guy. But also, in copaganda when cops are violent/disregarding protocols, they are always only portrayed to do that against bad guys, so what does our critical thinking tells us about this one?) They wrote Wriothesley, who was an inmate of a prison so bad, so notorious that it is the literal boogeyman of Fontaine, that has a legal (???) fighting pit, with an administrator who abuses his position to be unreasonable, to willingly stay in the place and become an Administrator who would choke-slam an inmate while saying a cool line about how he has the power to do whatever he wants. They wrote him, the guy who had to be fed on the streets by melusines, to think one-meal-a-day was a good enough reform (while he spends god-knows how much on his boat). This wasn't a victim-turns-into-abuser narrative either, they want all this to be seen as positive character growth.
And then, the final kicker is, they gloss over his entire abuse. You can only read about these shit in his profile, which most people don't because they don't Have Him or doesn't care to unlock it/read it online, and they jammed his entire backstory into a flaccid info-dump at the end of his character story quest. This man isn't Allowed to feel abused and neglected and show any reaction to it within the narrative of Fontaine itself, because if they actually Gave Weight to what happened to him, they'd have to confront THE FUCKING JUSTICE SYSTEM they had NO PLANS on criticising. I don't think they ever explicitly said the fucking Crime-Theatre nonsense was Bad either.
I could go on, but this is already so long. But yeah, I hope this gave you an idea.
#and then. and im putting my most controversial opinion in the tags bc im scared lmao. but like... then... you have the fans..... doing......#the same fucking thing.#the amount of times I have seen Wriothesley used as just a side prop for Neuvillette to feel bad about shit. While Wriothesley is just.....#portrayed as having the inner peace and acceptance of a fucking monk. I was shocked when I read some fics I swear#they really said this man has no trauma at all! the stuff in his past? he's over it!#i hate that passivity when writing victims. like ok if One is written like that#sure. but MHY write all their victims like this#I mean look at fucking Lanoire#and Neuvillette sentenced him to prison after he killed his parents who were never confronted by the law. That's canon.#that's more canon than WRLT itself.#why weren't they confronted? did wriothesley try to talk to someone about it? why did he feel like killing them is his only option ?????#at least have there be some sort of conflict and friction there. How does Wriothesley feel about the court and Neuvillette when#this is the literal system that allowed all that shit to happen to him in the first place???#are you Sure he won't be at least a little wary? the fact that some people think he's Grateful to Neuvillette or even idolises him is crazy#because the man literally subjected him to prison. and if you want to portray his prison life as easy breezy and trauma free#you undermine his entire shitty little 'prison reform' narrative#and if you think he'd be completely 100% accepting of the justice system. Then why the fuck would he kill his parents himself#don't you see that the whole 'I'll accept whatever sentence in order to kill my parents' thing in itself is an act of defying the system#and I Hate#this idea. about being some of the most powerful men in the nation. and yet they can't fucking TRY to set up a better system or smth#i can't believe I read a fic where leaving starving street kids croissants is the most they (the characters and the writer) want to do#like. what the fuck. the whole point of that scene is just to make neuvillette feel bad and be like aw......... poor people exist.... OK???#this is literally how MHY would portray him though.... tbf..... This is what ppl would argue as 'in character'#I just think the character they're in is bad.#I will say I'm giving the fic a lot of grief. there's more to the scene than that. and. ultimately.....#fanfic is (saying this through gritted teeth) ........ recreational....................and free........... in the end.................#i dont think this is reflective of the writer. I do think it is reflective of the way the canon material (genshin impact)#presents in the audience who consumes it. most fans only want these guys to fuck anyway. not think about systemic injustices#canon doesn't make it about the systemic injustices either so why should we. the aesthetic of slums and prisons are just there for fun guys#IM JUST CRAZY OK. I SHOULDNT EVEN BE HERE THIS IS NOT FOR ME . I DONT CARE THAT MUCH FOR PEOPLE FUCKING AND I CARE TOO MUCH
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#genuinely curious about what the general consensus is about this š#also pls feel free to add your reasons for whatever option you pick in the tags!#iād love to know all the different theories weāve got#disclaimer: all just for fun#iām not claiming any of us actually know what may or may not have gone down between them#we can only guess on all the (absolutely deranged) things weāve seen/read/heard over the years#milex#alex turner#miles kane#tlsp#the last shadow puppets#polls#lulu posts
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i legit love when a character's gender is so integral to their personality (and perception obviously.) like so concrete that if genderbent their whole shtick would just be absolute dookie. anyways i'm just writing this text so i can talk in the tags (My beautiful safe haven)
youtube
this 14 minute song is soooooooooooo FYRE
#text#actually i'm thinkinbg about this only cus i'm drawing female neloff and i'm just like#Elder dookies fans already hate females..... imagine them tryign to handle a woman with NPD that is reaching toxic waste levels#old decaying female with NPD.#but i'm also drawing female neloff for fun cus i have an idea for a look; i don't think it's a good idea#and he is just one of those characters that feel very good in the strict cismale box.#i also feel silly talking about gender-anything in any fiction because that's a topic only Am*ricans with no real problems sweat about#if that makes sense#just not something that interests me in the slightest#actually this might jsut be fascinating 2me because it is interesting indeed to see the different ways narcissism is treated. in characters#if i keep saying females instead of women it's bc i legit love that word. Sorry#and el*nwen+ulfr*c too are those female+male respectively perfectly fitting characters too#but notice how i didn't say cis. exactly. i'm thinking about the person that said elly did his top surgery in the torture basement. 4 free#or maybe i said that and they jsut said they're both t4t. Mmmaybe#the absolute W we copped with elly being the ' ' Big Bad ' ' th*lmor as a woman who is just obsessed with the luxuries of life.#stereotypical high society woman#she's so cute#i might just be obsessed with exploring very traditional dynamics too. i love keeping it grounded yk#Me after reading too many geriatric centuries old novels and huffing copium on sk*rim#i think i legit hate having fun with wilder character personality-morphism (because it is useless) that's not working with what u have#i'm just saying things that will make sense only 2 me now. Bye#why did i develop interest-related nihilism that extends to me hating fantasy franchises and anything that isn't non-fiction#i love it tho makes me feel so sophisticated#this is what happens when nobody humbles you while you draw regurgitated glorified studentXteacher (with a medieval twist) for a year.#i'm so excited for the year to be over not bc it's bad for me but bc i wanna see what all of the n*lvas art i drew looks like together#i wanna compile it like i did with eltl in 2023#n*lvas been treating me so well though liek i've been at such an artistic Peak especially after may#i'm always at my artistic peak tho.#i have a picture of n*relion on my mspaint canvas and it keeps looking at me while i'm drawing . he scares me because who gave him -#- the t*lvas hairstyle and the n*loth beard Bro.
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For the DC ask game!
38. Who do you think is the most overlooked or underused character?
Thank you for the ask, Quo!
Hmm the first character that comes to mind is Duke Thomas (tbh Iām starting to see more of him lately which I really like eg in the Outsiders and reoccurring/being mentioned in the batfamily based comics), but yeah I think heās often overlooked.
I realise Iāve answered your question above already haha, however Iām just going to give you some reasons I love Duke and why we should see more of him because more people should know about him:
Firstly, his powers! His ability to manipulate light and shadows and see the past/future and other dimensions as a result, is amazing and gives opportunity to so many interesting scenarios and possibilities. He has Night vision, Super vision, x-ray vision, etc. He can manipulate light in pretty much any way possible eg creating beams &bending them, controlling the colour/brightness. He can even turn invisible which is incredible.
Heās also a genius!! I seriously donāt get why no one talks about this kid and his detective skills. āTim discovered Batmanās identity *gasp*ā ā¦yeah he didā¦but he wasnāt the only one! This boy single handedly figured out Batmanās identity, Dickās when he was Agent 37, Damianās AND Alfredās identity during the we are Robin movement
Ah yes, this leads to the We are Robin movement he led (a group of them at least). And letās never forget that time he jumped out the back of a moving police car to continue going against the system and continue pursuing the we are Robin movement.
Back to his smarts-This little boy trained to out riddle the riddler. What child does that?? The kids a genius and his confidence is amazing. Heās super talented and loves quizzes and puzzles.
He found his jokerised parents by himself. (This is actually heartbreaking because his parents were good people. They were a loving family and his parents got screwed over by the fucking joker). After the police pretty much said we donāt give a fuck about finding your parents, Duke himself searched for his parents, knowing they were alive. There was a possibility that they were jokerized but that never stopped him. He literally scoured the sewers to find them, only to see them laughing hysterically and not recognizing their own son. Their little boy was nothing but an object standing in front of their laughter ridden bodies.
Okay *wipes tears* moving on: He is immortal/might be immortal! (idk for sure) but itās so cool either way!. Although, the way dc brings back the dead, every character is immortal.
#Thatās all I have for now š«”#Thank you Quo seriously had so much fun writing this!!#Duke being the only meta in the family is such a power move#Love that for him!#I need more Duke and Jason interactions theyd be best budsTM#I have so many mental fics with Duke in them#*āSigh* I might just have to write them some day#I read The Signal i while ago so I donāt remember that clearly#I also need to re read the We are Robin comics#If anyone has more information or wants to correct some info I made a mistake on them feel free to#*then feel free to#Asks#dc#character analysis#batfam#the signal#batfamily#Duke Thomas#Iām very tired to Iāll just leave it at that#red rambles#Duke week 2023
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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holy shit that scar fic šØ
ITS SO MESSED UP ITS GOOD RHDHDHE
Pls write more scar stuff /nf please never quit writing you ate and cooked with that fic š
hiiii anon *tucks hair behind ear* /hj I'm glad to hear you liked them!!! i actually do happen to have a little something, though it will likely be fairly short, like the other drabbles. here's a hint as to what it's about, though. I'll probably revise it a lot later but this is what I have for now.
Back to the fic... he really is such a menace it's unreal. Usually Scar is very patient and reigns in any impulses that might be dangerous to his plans and ideals. However, when it's something as harmless and inconsequential as you... he doesn't exercise this restraint.
I wrote those after brainrotting abt him to a friend.
for clarity's sake, this third screenshot is talking about the second screenshot.
here are some screenshots of me chatting with a friend about the flavor of nuisance he is. worst man ever invented (positive) I need you guys to see how funny that one drabble is when you separate it from, you know, the horrors. Scar totally gets why you're freaking out, so it doesn't really bother him, but also could you keep it down a little? he's not done telling you about the necessary steps humanity must take to progress human evolution yet :(
that being said, I don't think I'm gonna write longer fics about him until we know more about him and Fractsidus in general. I need them to give us more scar scenes. he has such a chokehold on me he's become my absolute wuwa fave with 0 competition.
Oh, and! The insert in that fic is a civilian, but I think it would be difficult for Scar to fall for one. The easiest way would probably to be a sort of contrarian; he's interested in new and unusual perspectives, especially as someone who has a number of them himself. Another hurdle is in what scenario would you reasonably meet Scar and still be able to go about your daily life as usual? See him doing his Fractsidus duties, and he would probably just kill you... what would he be doing chilling out in a city, in the open.... I could totally come up with something, but I'm putting it off until kuro gives us more Scar and Fractsidus crumbs.
#he's so special to me <3 FREE MY MAN HE'S THE MOST INTERESTING CHARACTER#on this note i think the starter 3 (yangyang chixia and baizhi) are kinda boring and flat. it might just be the janky ass voice acting tho#i want to read their character stories before i make a final decision but i wasnt rlly impressed with a lot of the quest.#some parts feel a little forced#others are rlly boring#i love camellya scar and aalto tho. very interesting characters. jiyan and geshu too (i'm finally getting to the part of the quest with#those 2)#anyway. i'm playing wuwa largely for scar <3#edit: mostly just got bored w the token investigations#the parts before we fought the crownless were cool. as were all parts with scar camellya and aalto#and rn i'm having fun about to meet jiyan
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an uncle nina check in <3
hi team! thanks for sticking around! i know my blog isn't always the most exciting and enriching place in the world in terms of content, but i am very /content/ to have you all here. <3333
i promise, oddly enough, i have A TON of inspiration and ideas for all my weird styles ( if you're curious about anything please lmk! i've been trying to flesh out my aus out lately ), i've just been in a major bummer depression era lately, so it's hard for me to get my asks done and i'm having a hard time committing to finishing my writing. :<
i think it's because of stress and my bipolar, but i am trying to get back on the horse! ( are we all laughing at the idea of me trying to get on a horse? i'd start crying help city girl fail moment for me ) yeehaw!
and while, unfortunately due to the instability ( fabulous legendary iconery ) of my pretty girl popstar personality, i do not know whether i will be answering almost no questions or one million, regardless of that, i just wanted to let you know, i'm still here, still kicking my feet, twirling my hair, cooking...i'm just really trying not to force myself to put out anything i don't like...and only do what makes me truly happy.
however, nothing, my dear sweet e-darlings...
makes me happier than coming home to all of you. <333
so thank you for flooding even the darkest corners of my life with bright light, supporting my phantom fics and being wonderful,
uncle nina xx
#nina speaks#hi my loves#idk what the point of this was#i just know my blog is really inconsistent and i know i dont really post anything or anything that useful#but i wanted you to know that i love you very much and i still care a lot about all of you and all my content actually#which i have been fleshing out in notebooks and google docs i've been doing lots of world building and character study#so feel free to ask me something challenging about any part of my nina sp auniverse that interests u itll make my brain work#i've also been taking very silly but dilligent notes abt what ravesey style looks like for ter so if u want to laff at those u can#i just love taking notes on detail and understanding exactly what characters look like or what settings appear like idk#might be some experimental writing on here i like doing different mediums like i was being silly#and started writing a netflix trailer for rm haha i also have been doing weird personality tests and questionnaires#i've been trying to think very deeply about tkak and my tfbw styles if u have any questions there and am deep plotting rm#trying to be impactful while also keeping things fun and learning to enjoy myself again i suppose#so again thakn u for being here sorry its weird on here but thank u for supporting me as i learn and grow my sunshines#also ik i have a ton of asks and uve already asked me so many things so never feel inclined to message me#but i love hearing what ur curious about hopefully i can answer some stuff eventually but again im on a break#i'm here but i'm not this is a safe place we try and fail we have fun and promote style world domination thru my weird styles#ilysm i'm shutting up now i promise i'm still here i'm just trying to be healthy and happy esp rn when i am not emotionally well#gotta protect my peace and my vibe palace but im still here!#MWAH MWAH MWAAAAAH#really trying to heal my inner child or like the girl in me that liked to write silly stories and create crazy things#weird hcs big dramatic plots silly stuff...i want to honor that girl because she was happy and free and had fun#and i want to do that again so lets have fun guys#no judgement no seriousness just good vibes and good reads#welcome to the uncle nina learns to laugh again arc#i hope you enjoy it
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#āi have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scrollā#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like āyeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term igā#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being āscrolling but i don't hate itā#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just š#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just š#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just š in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer āwhat do you do in your free timeā cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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my toxic trait is i read everything y'all write and i eat it up and i love your ships like even though i probably wouldn't care about them if not for y'all writing i'd read your yelling about them gladly and i'd read 10 page essays about them but then whenever i have brainrot about my own ships i just think i'll be annoying yelling about them šāāļø
#Ā» out of character ā āmain sup irl.ā#i think in part it's#this thing the rpc (in general not league)#always had of 'you actually admit you're interested in shipping? disgusting'#kajsndfkajsnf#because yeah sure shipping isn't all there is to it#it's not all i enjoy writing or that i want in my blogs even#but developing relationships (romantic AND platonic) is literally one of my favorite things about rp#and i /do/ enjoy shipping greatly i love when we mash our little plastic dolls together it's so much fun it makes me feral sometimes#but i do love romance actually. i love complicated romance. i love enemies who have romantic feelings for each other#i love partners in crime and killing machines who get to be soft with each other. i love the idea of love possibly undooming the narrative#i just really enjoy romance (writing it. reading what you all write with it. all the romance)#i'd have hesitated to admit that before but. yeah i'm cringe but i'm free#(still get unreasonably anxious and think i'll be annoying everyone yelling about the ships in any blog)
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not to sound like a broken record but i love my friends so fucking much
#this week has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me but seeing my friends has been a life saver#genuinely my friends are so incredible#yesterday i went down to the river with two of them#the first two of us who got there read for a bit and then got in the water and did some really stupid splashing around#and it felt so free and it was so nice to laugh and act like an idiot and not just not feel self-conscious#but actually feel appreciated#(at one point they said ādude you look so gay right nowā and thatās the BEST compliment)#and then we spent like twenty minutes just throwing rocks#not skipping rocks#literally just finding big rocks and seeing how far we could throw them and enjoying the PLUNK they made#then we found a spot where the current was really strong to sit against and acted like idiots a bit more#and then our other friend got there and we all talked for a long time and read a bit more#and then today my other friend came over to body double for me while I start packing to move#and we found old books from when i was little and the things iād written in them and had some good laughs#and then watched Babylon 5 (the episode itself was. kinda a downer and thatās an understatement. but itās still Babylon 5)#tomorrow iāll go see Papa again if he makes it through tonight. i think he will.#and then on the weekend iāll see my other friend! and thatās always fun. plus iāve been very physical affection driven lately#and theyāre good for that. AND they have a cat AND a dog so like. ideal all around.#anyway my friends are my family and iām totally not crying rn bc iām so lucky to have them#personal
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I love the concept of Glitch Inn but I have very mixed opinions on the fact that itās behind a paywall š
#A website to see behind the scenes and animation glitches sounds like so much fun but they want folks to pay for it#animal jam membership style#9.99 usd monthly š..#I know the funding goes towards the shows which means folks will get paid but. Idk I just kinda wish this would be free#merch costing money makes sense thatās literally stuff that has to be sold but a behind the scenes site? Cāmon..#Something about it just. Feels strange to me augh#maybe Iļæ½ļæ½ļæ½m just overthinking money LMAO sorry chat#if youāve read this far uhh. Hi. Whatās up#But uh yea these are my thoughts on glitch inn. Great concept but fucked up we have to may money for a website#danny speaks
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I think this is a pretty reasonable situation to cry in, right?
#ughhhhh#you know what becausd i hate myself (not really dw) this isnt gonna be a vaguepost#if youre reading the tags buckle the fuck up#so last week and the week before were spring break for me#and the week before was jjst full of studying and exam stress to the point where i couldnt attend my archery lessons#cause all i was doing at that time was either studying or feeling like shit for not studying#but when spring break hit actually THE VERY SECOND it arrived I had to go to another city about two hours away to visjt family#and guess what? I STAYED THERE FOR ALMOST THE WHOLE ENTIRE SPRING FUCKING BREAK#so i couldnt even do most of the shit i wanted to#and even there i couldnt enjoy my time#why? because ALL I DID was study. my cousin tutors me and I was failing these 3 specific subjects#so she was helping me withtgem and she wouldnt leave me be#and when my (undiagnosed) adhd made me shit at focusing and my mind keot wantering and i kept looking away because i was understimulated#i got shouted at which was not very fun#whats worse is she did it in front of people. literally in public.#then we come back home THANKFULLY and she comes with us. because of course.#and now all my time all of it except for one or two hours of the day is just studying#the only free time i have is when she sleeps#and school. literally never in my life have i been happy to go to school and yet id rather be there than here.#but what choice do i really have#its either this or fail the exams#it gets worse. on thursday i was really tired from school. i came back and PASSED OUT#and by passed out I mean PASSED OUT#idk if it was cause it was hot outside or school just drained my energy but i could barely exist at that point#then my cousin finds me on the couch sweaty and basically dying#what does she do? she wakes me up like āalright time to studyā#so yesterday i did charity work and it involved carrying a lot of heavy boxes and stuff so i naturally came back drained and tired and she#STILL WANTED ME TO STUDY so the second we got back I just slept and i was practically comatose so she coukdnt even wake me up#i slept for 11 hours and woke up to MORE STUDYING HURRAY and then at 5 i went to archery class and we got back at 8 and she WONT STOP#i just want to go home. im so tired. physically and mentally and emotionally. i just wanna go fucking home.
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taking my heart out and stomping into the ground dont you dare get another friend crush. dont fucking do it.
#ITS SO FRUSTRATING !!!!!#i think someone is cool and then they pay an attention to me and i am lost#i am drawing them pics and making them little gifts and thinking about all the fun things we can do together#i spend my free time thinking of reasons to talk to them#u might be like hmm this sounds like a romantic crush#but i can assure it is not#it CAN turn into one over many years#i kno bc one did and i suffer even more for it#its Very Obvious bc when its a non-platonic crush i will get suuuuuper possesive and jealous#but UGH friend crushes suck especially bc i dont have the bandwidth to rly pursue them AND#i always feel like i come at it too intensely so in order to escape rejection i run#its fine i am fine i can be Normal about things#its okay i will hide from this one like ive done all the others#its this person named Toad and they are so cool they do like climate activisim and they support local punk bands#its also reminding me of Dev. i am so sorry dev.#he was this super cool ass dude that i worked with for 4 years and he was So Neat and interesting to talk to#he knew soooooo much about cooking and he was really well read#and his humor was great. super dry and sarcastic i was always laughing lol#i wanted to be friends with him SO BAADDD#and he has no social media or even like. texting#so before i left i demanded his email address#and I emailed him One time and he replied and i ghosted him#bc here is another issue: i cant fucking communicate#how keep friends if u dont talk to them????#anyways the brain worms are eating good tonight
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no but genuine question bc iām still thinking about that post lmao. why do Music People have such a superiority complex
#i donāt know if itās intentional but thatās how it comes across#there are. a LOT of things where i donāt understand what most people are talking about and feels like theyāre faking interest#bc i genuinely donāt get it. itās lonely for me but ultimately fine ig#but thereās something about the way Music Bros talk about Normies that rly just. feels very demeaning#like. people who arenāt as into music as they are are uncultured little monkeys#genuinely i have gone months without listening to music of my own free will#and if i say that people are like āoh you poor babyā when itās like. this is only a problem for you#or like. idk i feel like thereās better and more enjoyable ways to use my time#i listen to podcasts at work bc at least it makes me feel productive. i can do two things at once and itās more efficient#but music to me is like. movies. thereās something about them that i donāt get and usually just bounce right off from#i will say thereās something nice about singing in the car or at home by yourself#but just because something is important To You doesnāt mean itās important to being human#i donāt make posts making fun of people who donāt knit#or people who donāt read. we all spend our time on different things whoaaa crazy
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Every time I watch a video about art, dance, cooking, I always think that human existence is simply all here. In the joy brought by small things, in the fun we create even through mistakes. It drives me crazy when someone tries to take all of this away, turning the world into a gray, insignificant place to live
#have you ever stopped to admire a painting and see beyond the colors?#imagining the person who painted it#wonder about the expression on their face#have you ever tasted a dish that transported you thousands of kilometers away in your imagination?#making you see places with the mind's eye that you've never visited?#have you ever danced in the rain or under a sky full of stars#laughing until you're breathless#having fun and feeling alive#have you read a poem that stayed etched in your memory#shaking your soul#have you truly listened to music and instruments?#the composition of notes#the changing and accelerating rhyth#for centuries weve questioned the meaning of human existence#i believe its just this#we are curious creatures#who enjoy having fun and feeling free#we want to build things that can be see and appreciated by other people#reach the end of our lives with a baggage of emotions#that hopefully one day might belong to someone else#sorry for my rant#im just an anthropologist who is sick of this kind of madness
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#hffjfhfhhhhghgh#sometimes you think youāre over a guy but then you have a normal conversation with him like a normal person and proceed to think about it#for the next ten hours#my silly little INFP brain is being insufferable about this#like seriously I donāt want to date a guy who curses like a sailor I donāt#but we just get along so well together? he was homeschooled like me? heās an lotr fanatic (as in heās read the books)? he has OPINIONS#about little women? heās an agatha christie fan?? he had reasonable things to say in biblical studies a couple years ago (which is more#than I can say for 95 percent of the people in that class)?#but I mean it doesnāt matter weāve known each other for nearly three years and I canāt tell that heās ever had that kind of interest in me#(granted I am a TERRIBLE judge)#fun fact though he is the guy who read a story I wrote freshman year and read a romance scene and exclaimed āthatās it! thatās what love is#supposed to be!ā#I mean how was I SUPPOSED to react#if nothing else heās definitely one of Anneās kindred spirits and I think I can live with that#anyway sorry feel free to ignore I just needed to ramble#I drove for like three hours today and it was just swirling around in my head the whole time#will probably delete later because there are a couple people who follow me who know me irl and would probably know exactly what Iām talking#about. theyāre not super active though so#(and yes this is Alcott boy. although hilariously before I knew his name I called him Agatha Christie boy)#on a lighter note I may have convinced him to watch otgw because it has Elijah wood in it lol
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