#fear me and my wildly inconsistent self

[justagalwhowrites]

i think it’s a bit weird to constantly expect fictional characters to do exactly what you’d want and to expect every relationship would follow the same set of standards you’ve made up for yourself to call acceptable and healthy especially in a setting so wildly different from the one you’ve made those standards up in. like the world has ended. people are trying to find comfort where they can and i don’t think it’s something to be up in arms about so long as harm is not being doled out intentionally. love is too complicated in the regularly functioning world to constantly be “healthy” largely because of fear, i can’t imagine how it would actually function after the world has ended and those fears are playing out right in front of you.

if the world had ended and the person i loved was right in front of me, i genuinely don’t know if i’d be able to get past my fears enough to have an actual relationship at least until i was strong enough to have a go at it again. until i was able to feel more hope than fear and that TAKES TIME. time and energy literally none of these people are able to give because they’re trying to survive. why not do something uncomplicated with someone you know won’t harm you?? it just makes so much more sense to me.

“oh they keep going back and forth, how does she not just stand up for herself and push him away blah blah blah” babes she loves him and he loves her. he’s scared and, yeah ideally she should just put a stop to him being so inconsistent, but who actually does what they ideally should when what they want is right in front of them???? self control is a luxury these two people don’t really have— any second could very easily be their last, why control yourself when you can keep having one last time with the person you love most??

Bestie!! Love this ❤️❤️❤️

[cathrynworrell]

How to stay (more) consistent with your sketchbook habit

This year (and probably last year too for that matter), my sketchbook routine can probably be best described as ‘consistently inconsistent’. I’ve gone through phases of drawing most days for ages before slipping out of the habit and not drawing for a few weeks or more.

Inevitably I nudge myself back into drawing regularly again and wonder how long the habit will stick. What I will say is that recently, the periods of not drawing have become fewer and/or shorter than they were a year ago so that feels like a positive.

I think there are a few reasons why I keep falling out of the drawing habit:

I've had longer periods of low energy where all I can focus on is resting to get the M.E. as stable as possible.

I've also experienced increased anxiety (partly due to my wildly fluctuating health), which has led to a fear of the blank page and a self-imposed expectation of perfection from every drawing. Sometimes I've felt like I have to make the most of my energy when it's there so I've wanted to make a really impressive drawing to avoid 'wasting' this 'precious resource'. But that just leaves me feeling anxious and means I don’t make any drawings, which is not fun.

And I’ve struggled to make my workspace feel as welcoming and comfortable as I can so that it’s a place I want to be. I have limited space at home and the best place for my desk isn't always the best place for me to sit and draw so that's felt like quite a big barrier to drawing.

I’m not in a position to tell you that I’ve got this all figured out and that I have a clear solution for you to follow if you’re finding it difficult to stay consistent with your sketchbook habit.

But what I can do is share some of the things I’m experimenting with that seem to be helping so far and I hope that you find them helpful too.

Here's my mix of practical strategies, reminders to keep at the front of my mind and what I guess could be described as a certain level of mindfulness or awareness.

Draw for the sake of drawing

It's OK to draw or paint just for the sake of it. It doesn't have to have a greater purpose. It doesn't have to be a design for a new print or greeting card or anything to make money.

Drawing's just noticing, really looking at something and then making marks on the page. And the best reason I can give for anyone starting to draw is that drawing will keep you in the moment and you'll see the things around you differently.

The process of drawing will help you feel a bit calmer, happier, and present.

It doesn't have to be perfect

It's OK if the drawing - or painting - is wonky, wobbly, smudged or doesn't quite look like it 'should'. Like I said above, you're drawing for the sake of drawing. Maybe you'll love the end result, maybe you won't but it's all good practice.

Think about how far you'll get in a month or a year when you've been drawing every day, compared to what your drawing skills will be like in a year if you draw nothing between now and then.

Stay open and curious

My favourite times with my sketchbook are when I'm feeling curious and playful - 'I wonder what would happen if I used this colour, this art material, added more/less water, layered this coloured on top of this one...'

That curiosity can extend to the finished drawing too. So rather than just deciding that you hate a drawing, ask yourself why. What would you do differently if you started again? And is there just the tiniest bit of that drawing that you do like? Notice that and really focus on it. Remember it and store it away for future drawings.

Don’t wait, just draw

I've been trying to notice the moments when I feel a tiny (often quite sudden) spark of excitement when I feel like 'I'd like to draw that', and then drawing that rather than feeling like I need to wait, create more time or do something else first.

It's easy to think that you'll come back to an idea for a drawing or save a photo to a folder to draw from later. But it's also easy to prioritise other things or forget that you wanted to draw those things at all. And your enthusiasm for that drawing might fade if you wait too long.

Instead, try and notice when you feel excited about the idea of a particular drawing and then start.

Maybe you've only got a few minutes, in which case you can make a a few marks and finish it later. Or make a really quick sketch. Or choose art materials that are quicker to work with like pens or pencils, rather than paint that takes time to dry.

Again, the result might not be perfect but it will be a lot better than the drawing you never make because it didn't feel important enough.

Use as many sketchbooks as you like

I used to be very much a monogamous sketchbooker. I had a single sketchbook for all my drawings and would only allow myself to start a new one once that one was full.

There's a lot to be said for sticking to one sketchbook and maybe that's what you need. Sometimes I slide back in that direction too. Keeping one sketchbook can sometimes feel easier because there are fewer decisions to make so fewer barriers to starting to draw. But sometimes I think it's nice to have more than one sketchbook on the go.

Sometimes it's handy to have a couple of sketchbooks in front of you while you're drawing so you can draw in one sketchbook while you wait for paint to dry in the other. Switching back and forth can help create a sense of momentum.

Recently I decided to open a new sketchbook to use for some daily drawings, even though I have others unfinished. Starting a new sketchbook can feel a bit daunting but it can also feel quite exciting.

The sketchbook I opened most recently is a little pocket-sized Stillman and Birn sketchbook and it feels easy to use. I can pick it up and make a little sketch or painting on a single page or spread across a double page and it still doesn't feel too overwhelming.

And I still have my other slightly larger sketchbooks nearby for days when I want the space that they offer or a different type of paper.

Keep a secret sketchbook

As well as my other sketchbooks, a few months ago I decided to designate a cheap sketchbook as my 'secret sketchbook'. The paper's really nice to draw on but it doesn't feel precious because it only cost a couple of pounds.

So this means I feel less worried about 'messing up' a page. It feels less pressured, but that's not the main point of a secret sketchbook.

As the name suggests I keep these secret. Occasionally I might share a page here and there but for the most part, these sketchbooks are just for me.

They're somewhere I can draw freely without feeling like I might share what I'm doing later, either on social media or Patreon or anywhere at all.

I mean, this can be the case for any sketchbook you use. You get to decide who sees inside it but if you're finding it particularly difficult to start drawing, then make your sketchbook secret. Make your drawings messy, ugly, smudged, wonky and have fun, knowing that you're the only one who'll see them.

Create lots of spaces to sit (or stand) and draw

I'm allowing my art materials to spread around the house a little bit at the moment. I still have my tiny drawing desk but I've been drawing at the kitchen table, sitting on the sofa and even while sitting on the living room floor.

Like I said earlier, the space where my desk isn’t always right for me. It can sometimes feel too cold and on sunny days when I want to draw in the afternoon the light can be too harsh/dazzling.

Since I’m limited with where I can place my desk, having a few alternative drawing spots has been helpful.

It also makes drawing feel like less of an ‘event’. I can just pick up a sketchbook and a few art materials and get started without having to go to another room, where I have to get settled and clear some space (at which point I’ve probably lost some enthusiasm).

This way I can start a sketch while I wait for my porridge to cook in the morning or on my way to cook dinner.

Draw what you see, even if it seems boring

Most recently I've been painting little pictures of the sky and tree tops that I can see from my windows. I see these views every day and it doesn't feel that interesting but I think that changes when you start to draw.

Whether the thing you're drawing is a world-famous landmark or your kitchen sink, the point is that you are drawing.

You're experimenting with art materials, noticing details and colours, reflections and textures. So no matter what you're actually drawing, you are actually drawing. This means you're more likely to tap into that mindful process, being completely present and hopefully finding some level of joy in there.

The drawings I've been making of the sky and trees are a bit wonky, messy, definitely imperfect and in no way precious. They'll never be something I'd want to frame or sell but that's not the point of making them.

I make them because it allows me to draw and to document a tiny moment of my day, however mundane that might otherwise feel.

I hope some of these ideas help you when you're struggling with maintaining a consistent sketchbook habit. If you think I've missed something important please let me know in the comments or drop me an email.

And if you're a fan of sketchbooks, please explore the rest of my blog or consider joining me on Patreon where I share regular creative prompts, chat about art materials and show snippets of my process.

[datawyrms]

Not That Similar

Dannymay day 3: Reflection

“You know, this is the part where Jazz’d be all ‘maybe you should reflect on how you got here’, but with your whole creepy vampire thing you probably don’t even have one-” the younger half ghost broke off their taunt with a yelp, narrowly dodging at hot pink ectoblast. “Maybe anger management classes? Yoga? Knitting? Work with me here!” he kicked off the wall before another blast could connect, turning it into an impromptu propelled punch when Plasmius raised a shield instead of dodging, both hybrids grunting from the collision.

Vlad recovered first, quickly flying backwards to regain his preferred distance. “Must you insist on such juvenile taunts Daniel? Though I suppose being raised by that oaf of a man stunted any attempts of maturing.” 

Danny’s eyes flared at the jab at his father, “Says the fruit loop stalker! Get over it and leave my family ALONE!” He launched off three ectoblasts in quick succession, speedy but too predictable to hit the elder hybrid, who blocked them all with an exaggerated yawn. 

“You could have been so much more than this if you’d just used your head, Daniel.”

“Oh I’m already way more than you. See, I actually have people who love me. Like my mom. Who totally hates you.”

Any further additions were cut off with Plasmius’ sudden movement, throwing a blast high and grabbing Phantom by the throat when he flew low to dodge it. White gloved hands scrabbled against his black one, green eyes furious. The impulsive panic to free himself stopped him from doing something effective, like shooting Vlad point blank.

“Do not test your luck, boy. Besides, if you believe that, you would have told them your little secret by now. You had been bluffing that day after all.” he spun and flung his captive downwards, grinning at the satisfying sound of the boy’s body cracking asphalt. “Maybe you can be the one reflecting once you peel yourself off the ground, hmm?”

Danny found his feet with a groan, rolling his shoulders as he got back into the air. “Hey, I’m not the one so pathetic they couldn’t wait five seconds to kill my dad. The whole ‘oooh join me’ crud would have worked waaaaay better before attempted murder.”

The admission set Vlad off balance, taking a blast to the chest. It was painful enough to push him backwards a little, but he tried not to show any other signs it had been effective. The second blast from the ground, not originating from the other half breed did provoke a yelp from sheer surprise.

“Tough luck Plasmius! We already caught your minions!” Tucker yelled from the ground, shaking a thermos at the aerial combatants. “We got your back Danny!”

“Actually, I think the road got that but thanks Tuck!” Phantom grinned, any lost confidence returning in seconds. “So much for your ‘rob FentonWorks’ plan, huh?” he paused at the whine of something powering up. “Oooh, Sam brought the bazooka! You've lost, Plasmius. Again.”

The growl Vlad let out was almost feral, but the younger ghost was right. Short of killing Danny’s little entourage, there was no point in continuing this. It did seem like they might have missed his actual motive for distracting Danny from the FentonWorks lab, but he’d need to be in his own lab to check that.

“Being pulled into the ghost zone by a portal in your head might count as payback to all your experiments” Sam warned, tracking Vlad with the heavy silver weapon.

“Oh very well. Perhaps someday you’ll learn to win on your own merits.”

“That’s the thing Vladdie. I don’t have to.”

Danny’s pained yelp as the parting shot connected was some satisfaction as Plasmius vanished. He’d see how the boy changed his tune soon enough.

“I hate that fruit loop.” Danny grumbled, changing back to human before reuniting with his friends. 

“Word. Any hints on what he wanted the catcher for?”

“Nope. Just the usual junk. Dude needs a hobby like yesterday.”

“Knowing him, his hobby is trying to beat you up.” Sam added, grinning when the half ghost moaned.

“That totally is his hobby, isn’t it. Urgh.”

Tucker gave his friend a playful pat on the back. “He should change his name to the Fenton Ghost, give the Box Ghost a run for most accurate name.”

“I am totally using that next time.”

“If you do, Tuck’s stitching you up for giving you the idea.”

“It’d be worth it. Can you imagine the look on his face?” Danny dismissed Sam’s frown with a laugh, glancing at his home. “Guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“Try not to get double grounded this time. My Doomed skills are rusting away without you.”

“Tell that to the ghosts!” his blue eyes looked pleadingly to the sky before he walked up the steps, waving as his friends continued on to their homes.

It took Danny a week to figure out that maybe they’d missed what Plasmius’ intentions had actually been. As that was when he ended up screaming at his own reflection, only managing to fend off the worried Fenton parents with a quick excuse of ‘some big cockroach ghost’ scared him.

The second look didn’t fare much better. He was totally human. Black hair, pale skin, shirt and no hazmat. One problem. Red eyes. Rapidly blinking didn’t set them back to blue either, but he would have taken green at this point. “Jazz, please tell me I’m seeing things.”

His sister had been waiting for the go ahead to ‘meddle’, pushing the bathroom door open at his question, freezing for a moment when she got a good look at him. “Afraid not little brother. Did you get hit with anything weird?”

“Not lately?” he scowled at his reflection, desperately willing the red to go away.

“Well they’re distracted, so you should probably check both looks.” Jazz prompted, noticing how Danny flinched at the suggestion. “It’d be better to make sure nothing else is acting up before you actually need your powers?”

“I hate it when you’re right.” his scowl turned to her, rubbing at his shoulder instead of actually doing anything. “Maybe I can use sunglasses?”

“Danny.” Jazz’s tone of sisterly disapproval was well practiced at this point.

“Okay okay! Sheesh!” Still he hesitated before summoning the rings that switched him between ghost and human, tense as he did so. The lack of reaction from Jazz was probably a good sign? He opened his eye a crack, not wanting to see the reflection. Green eyes looked back. “Well okay then. That’s weird.”

“Your default is weird. Maybe something in the lab is messing with your shapeshifting?” Jazz said, hand on her chin as she pondered.

“Uh, I don’t have shapeshifting powers?”

“Danny you literally do it all the time. You just only do two forms. And the ghost tail thing.” Jazz rolled her eyes.

“I do? Huh,” he changed forms again, wincing as the red eyes returned. “This sucks! Mom and Dad are gonna think I’m possessed!”

“We’ll figure something out, Sam and Tucker probably have backup sunglasses you can borrow if anything happens to these ones. Say you had an eye appointment.”

“Lame excuses are my specialty.” He gave a weak grin, slipping the offered sunglasses on. “All I need is blue skin and then I’m Plasmius’ creepy miniature reflection-” he froze. That was a joke but actually…

“It does seem like a Vlad thing to do, messing with how you look.”

“Creep just wants to harp on the ways we’re the same like that’s gonna make me not hate him.” Danny growled, cracking his knuckles.  “You wanna take the Peeler and see how it works on lonely fruitloops?”

“After school Danny. You can’t be late again.”

“I bet Sam and Tuck would skip with me-”

“Danny, it’s just a visual problem. You can wait to fix it.”

The half ghost sighed, but dropped his hands in defeat. “Well if I get caught with red eyes I am totally blaming you.”

“Deal.”

(Also to all of those leaving lovely comments/screaming in the tags I love you all and would respond to them but Tumblr is not exactly great for that. I wasn’t planning on putting these on A03 till I was done >>)

[merlin-reboot-when]

Bbc Merlin made two big mistakes.

1) They told a story about a young sorcerer trying to survive in a land where magic is punishable by death. One of his end goals is to legalise magic again. The biggest opposing party in this objective is the tyrant king who started a genocide. This is a very black and white conflict, there is no both-siding this. On the one side you have a mass murderer, on the other side are people who are being killed for existing.

Now the series does establish that Merlin is the good guy and that magic isn't actually evil, but then they go ahead and constantly frame Uther as a guy who is really not that bad. Sure, he killed some people (hundreds or even thousands) - whoopsie. But come on, at least he's trying. And think about Arthur! The emotional comfort of one person is totally worth letting people die for.

At the same time they keep bringing in villain of the week type of characters and like 90% of those are evil magicians who are consumed by their thirst for power and/or revenge or monstrous beasts which are also creatures of magic. They rarely introduce "good" sorcerers or creatures.

To sum it up: They frame the victims of a genocide as evil, almost blaming them for their own plight while making excuses for the people murdering them. It would make sense to explore this part of Camelot's history if the conflict was more complex, but it really isn't that deep. They waste way too much time dragging out this black and white conflict as described above.

2) (Screen)time is being wasted on the wrong conflict, yes, but in my opinion also on the wrong characters.

Arthur's character development is inconsistent at best. He wildly swings back and forth between believing in some magic being good or at least neutral and then condemning all magic as the world's true evil. He learns time and time again to be less arrogant and self-centered and snaps at Merlin again in the very next episode. I enjoy Merlin & Arthur's banter as much as anyone, but if you're not even taking Arthur's character anywhere then why waste so much time there?

Merlin and Arthur as a duo also go through the same dance routine three times a season: Merlin discovers a plot against Arthur, but fears to simply be dismissed if he says anything. Eventually he does say something and, surprise, Arthur reacts dismissive. In the end Arthur learns that Merlin was right all along and he should trust him more. Three episode later Arthur doesn't remember he already learned this lesson, the cycle repeats.

Gaius is important to the story because Merlin needs a dialogue partner to talk about magic. But Gaius also holds Merlin back a lot and keeps him from growing. And so just like Arthur, Merlin doesn't really learn much from his experiences, his life barely changes of the course of 5 seasons. He's still living with Gaius and still relys on him instead of becoming more independent.

So we have four characters / dynamics (Uther, Arthur, Gaius and Merlin) which the show keeps focusing on even though they're not that complicated at all. On the other hand we have side characters that are supposedly important like Gwen and the knights and we know very little about them. It almost seems like they become less important the longer the series goes on, that's not how this works!

You can't say "This is the once and future queen, there are prophecies about her and she's the most important person in Arthur's life" and then she never really does anything! The knights too. Merlin and Gwaine are best friends (kind of), but do we ever see them casually hanging out? Nope. Percival is one of the most famous knights from the myths, yet we only know his name and that his family is dead. How did they die? Who even was his family? Does it mean he lost his parents, did he have a wife? We will never know. There are so many amazing characters they could've included more, but they never did.

So while I love the series in general, these two points really rub me the wrong way.

[avissapiens]

Avis' Subject Symposium

A Crash Course in Trance Pt 1: Files.

(Art by Acro @sodalite96/https://twitter.com/sodalite96 Used with their permission. Go check them out!)

So often new subjects come to me and they don’t know the first thing about trance. None of its mechanics or methods, and so it can be very daunting for them; to step into such a wide abyss without knowing what to expect and what is expected of you. Many of them, even experienced subjects, expect that 100% of the work is and should be done by the Hypnotist. In truth both parties, the hypnotist and the subject, must be willing and able. But while it’s more readily apparent what must be done in order for a tist to be successful in their endeavors, many subjects/potential subjects can have a hard time understanding what it takes to get the most out of their trance, both from pre-recorded files, and from live sessions with a hypnotist. So, I’m here to give you what is in my opinion, the essential Crash Course to Trance, starting first with trancing to files.

Location

Find yourself somewhere nice, darkened and quiet, where you know you won’t be disturbed. This is already a hard task for a lot of subjects, living with other people always increases the chance that one might barge in on you, eyes glazed over, drooling all over yourself. Or that someone’s reckless pounding from above might shake the abyss so thoroughly that it takes you out of trance. But here is the thing I will stress. While physical quiet is a good idea as it allows you to focus on the words and suggestions streaming into your head. What matters so much more is internal peace and quiet. A location where you can feel at ease and safe and secure in yourself. A locked bedroom surrounded by mountains of pillows. Your favorite plush armchair that threatens to swallow you almost as well as the Abyss of Trance. The peaceful morning route on the train whose path you know so well that you can be lulled into trance just by the rumbling vibrations of the tracks beneath your seat. Wherever you can be comfortable.

The ideal location for trance I'm sure does exist in some government facility or therapists office somewhere, where you can be dropped into an isolation tank and be brainwashed clean. But most of us will never encounter that. So what matters then is the ideal mindset for trance, which is one of peace, safety, trust and assurance.

Equipment

This is one of the reasons so many love using files. Because its barrier to entry is so low. All you really need is something to play the file on and a place to listen. This is in contrast to working directly with a tist where you need, at the very least, A good internet connection, maybe a camera, Another person who you trust and who might be wildly inconsistent. Or working in person which probably will require a whole location and time-table to get set up. No, Files are relatively simple and they are no better or worse than live sessions for certain purposes. However, like all simple things, they can be elevated by improving its ingredients. A box cake from the store and a home-made chiffon are functionally the same, but their difference comes in the ingredients and technique.

So for trance I recommend spoiling yourself a little, at the very least buy yourself some decent quality over-ear headphones. Many file-makers (myself included) add frequencies and binaural beats underneath the main track. These serve the purpose of training your own brain’s waveforms to a certain frequency, thus more easily taking you into trance. But they can only be detected and properly registered with some good headphones. Additionally, The encapsulation of headphones provides a more immersive experience, isolating you and transporting you through the trance experience like you are in your own little world. Trust me. $600 studio headphones aren’t needed, But a good quality wired $40 headset goes a long way and is multi-purpose. A decent quality chair or mattress also will serve you well, not just in trance but in life.

Focus

Trance is a very tricky state that, like all things, requires practice and patience to master. Staying in trance is like a tightrope walk, teetering gently between the realm of consciousness and awareness, and the oblivion of total subconscious and sleep. It is the liminal space between the two, that subconscious space that makes trance and hypnosis possible. It is the state where your mind is most open to total suggestion and where magical things can happen. So how does one walk the line between these two modes of being? The answer is focus. Or rather Half-focus. Focusing without focusing. With descriptions like that it can sound like some kind of Zen riddle, but that is often what it feels like sometimes. Now this is not a laser focus like you would expect in a classroom setting, no one is being tested here. It's a more gentle and subtle focus. Like focusing on the world around you. Focusing on the wind on your face, the rise and fall of your lungs; On the way your body just goes loose and slumps over. The trick is to go in and to follow along, to listen and pay attention and try to comply with the suggestions given at first. Suspend your disbelief and engage with it unironically and without pretense. If you notice yourself drifting, don’t try to force it back to focus. Simply let it explore where it wants and to carry on organically. Nothing in trance needs to be forced. Simply focused on and allowed to happen.

Many subs oscillate in trance, their minds ebbing and flowing like a Sine wave; wavering in and out of trance, one minute aware, the next minute completely blank and asleep, and then for a brief moment in bliss. But it averages out to trance at the end of it. One must also not fear dropping out of trance. Focusing too much on that eventuality makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. Just Focus-not-focus-half-focus and enjoy yourself.

Apprehension

So many subjects look at files and their mind begins to spin with endless questions and anxieties. Worries about “losing themselves” or “changing too much” or “doing things they don’t want to do.” It’s a valid set of concerns for a new subject, uninitiated in the true mechanics of trance and only knowing of hypnosis what is shown in the media. Evil villains and monsters brainwashing our heroes to do horribly enticing and arousing things. So ingrained is this idea that it even crossed over into the allure of hypnosis files. And while I won’t say it's impossible for that to happen, I have 3 comments on it to ease your mind. First, with Files, one of the best things about it is that the subject gets to control practically every single aspect of the experience. When you do it, how many times you listen, and whether you listen at all to begin with. While all files should be clearly labelled with Content and trigger warnings and given an explicit summary of what they are and what they do, we know that is not the case. The amount of “Mystery files” I've seen on various forums irks me to no end. But it appeals to some people. However, for those who are not particularly fond of surprises you have the absolute power to review the file before you trance to it. You can give it a fully aware walk through, or just jump through segments to look for anything that doesn’t suit your taste.

Once you’ve done that however you might still be conflicted about some content. Not openly averse to it, but unsure. Dumbing down and IQ reduction are probably number one on this list. People are so terrified of somehow losing everything when they learn to stop overthinking things. For these concerns my second point suggests Introspection. Ask yourself “Why do I/Don’t I want this?” “Is it really as bad as my anxiety is making it out to be?” Because if you like something a lot, and really want it, then why should you deny yourself it out of fear? Even aside from dumbing, many desires are tinged with this air of guilt or fear. Terrified to acknowledge or grab hold of what we truly want and own up to it. In my estimation Hypnosis can be one of the best ways of dabbling with those desires because in trance there is no shame or judgement. Finally, my 3rd point says you don’t have to worry. If you really don’t like a suggestion you can always leave it behind. Your mind has built in fail-safes to reject suggestions you haven’t agreed to. A file cannot make you do something unless you want it, at least subconsciously. The old cliche goes “All Hypnosis is Self-Hypnosis” and what that fundamentally means is that as a subject you are the one who decides what happens. You consent and go along with things and allow them to happen to you. It is your desire, your focus, your arousal and your own subconscious that allows hypnosis to work. Subjects have more power than they know. I really hope it assists some people in vibing better with trance and files. I’ll be putting out another version for Live hypnotists later this month.

Thanks again to Acro for letting me use their Art, definitely go and support them on twitter. And If you want to support the creation of more hypnotic experiences that might help you practice that balance of focus then you can do so by subscribing to my Patreon, or to my Youtube channel. And if you want to interact more closely with me and my supportive community you can join my Discord server.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hi! I have just recently found your tumbler and have been obsessed reading your metas. I wanted to know your thoughts on the GSR cohabitation circa season 6-8/9. Who do think proposed living together?

Personally, the fanfic girl in me like to think they officially started living together-together after Grissom came back from his sabbatical and it was Grissom who brought up the idea because the time apart made him realize the importance of Sara in his life (I have another Q related to this subject that I’ve been itching to ask but I won’t bother you right now LOL). I like to think that the Way to Go bedroom scene was Sara’s apartment meaning that although they probably spent (most) every ‘night’ together in s6 (or even late s5 if they were together then) they took turns staying over at each other’s place (although if we factor in Hank the dog, which we don’t know when he entered the picture, maybe they spend more time at Grissom’s?). I think that the Fallen Idols’ shaving scene and Leapin’ Lizards’ bedroom scene were at Grissom’s place that Sara moved into … which is the same place we see in Grissom’s Divine Comedy and in Happy Place. I don't think they bought the place together since Land Titles are public record which would have outed them (I do, however think the house in Forget Me Not was their matrimonial home).

On a somewhat related note, I do think the 'suffocating' conversation Sara and Grissom had in Bite Me had a double entendre regarding their then current living arrangements. I think Grissom had casually (in his own Grissom way) suggested the idea to Sara that she should just leave her everyday things at his place so she doesn't have to lounge around an overnight bag. But Sara, in fear of jinxing things, was a little hesitant and maybe said something along the lines of not wanting to 'suffocate' him by having a lot of her things in his place. Grissom took this as Sara not being on the same page as him in terms of the status of their relationship. To Grissom his suggestion was rooted in practicality where else with Sara, although the relationship is something she wants very much, she's worried the floor underneath her can collapse if given too much weight so her take on the matter was more about self-preservation. I also read your take on this and enjoyed reading it very much!

Sorry for the long post and I apologize if the Q has been asked. I absolutely love, love, love reading your take on anything GSR/CSI and I hope you never stop!

hi, @renb80s!

thank you for your kind words! i'm glad you enjoy my metas.

as preface to my answer here, i'll direct you to this previous meta (which talks about my favored timeline for the gsr get-together) and this one (which talks about their living situation in s6).

then:

my short answer is that i think they start living together just before the start of s6 and that grissom is the one to propose it (though they’d basically been living together unofficially already, with sara staying over at grissom’s place pretty much every day, even prior to that point).

my longer answer is:

talking about the characters' living arrangements on csi is always difficult because the show is so wildly inconsistent in how it depicts them.

in general, glimpses into the characters’ homes on csi are a rarity.

we will maybe visit a character in their home once or twice per season at most, and usually only for one scene at a time.

and some characters, like greg, never have their homes shown at all.

with the exception of maybe episode 02x19 “stalker,” where a considerable portion of the episode takes place in nick's home, there are almost no “home-centric” episodes, at least during the early seasons of the series; more just a scene here, a scene there, spread out over the course of multiple seasons.

accordingly, whereas on many other, less work-centric shows, we see enough of the characters' living rooms, bedrooms, kitchens, etc. that there are regular sets for them that are used both repeatedly and consistently over the seasons (and so become familiar to us), on csi, the characters are almost always either in the lab or in the field, which means that on the exceedingly rare occasions when we do actually “follow our favorite criminalists home,” their homes are most often just random cbs sets/filming locations made up to suit the needs of a particular scene and are seldom consistent over time.

if two home scenes do occur in short succession from each other within a single season (like, say, the shots of grissom and sara's bedroom we get in episodes 09x02 “the happy place” and 09x04 “let it bleed”), then maybe they'll both be filmed on the same set. however, across seasons, the characters' homes almost never remain the same (see, for example, sara's studio apartment in episode 02x12 “you've got male” vs. her one-bedroom apartment in episode 05x13 “nesting dolls”).

moreover, since typically most csi home scenes are “one-offs,” meaning that only one scene per episode takes place in the home, and during these scenes (most often) the characters tend to remain in a single room, we're seldom given much insight into home layouts (i.e., we don’t typically see the characters walk from room to room with the camera following them), which makes it difficult and even sometimes impossible for us to say if a particular room we see in one episode (such as grissom and sara's bathroom from episode 07x17 "fallen idols") is supposed to be part of the same apartment/house as a room that we see in another episode (such as grissom and sara's s8/s9 living room and kitchen), particularly across seasons.

this turnover creates problems of interpretation for us as fans, because we either have to majorly suspend our disbelief in order to accept the idea that homes that appear completely different from each other in layout/configuration are supposed to (within the universe of the show) actually be the same property—see, for example, grissom's open-floor plan, warehouse-like condo with the centralized kitchen in episode 01x23 “the strip stangler” vs. his closed-floor plan, cozier condo with the nook-like kitchen in episode 02x15 “burden of proof”—OR we have to accept that the characters all apparently move house approximately every six to eight months, which seems excessive/unrealistic.

and particularly as they're all so chronically busy that one has to wonder where they would find the time.

obviously, neither option is entirely satisfactory for us.

while i go back and forth on how to deal with this particular problem of verisimilitude, at present, my favored approach is to believe that any two home spaces that appear significantly different from each other are in fact two different properties—i.e., to go with the “the characters must move a lot” theory.

per this approach, between s1 and mid-s5, both grissom and sara have two different living spaces that we're shown: grissom's single-level, open-floor plan, warehouse-like condo from episode 01x23 “the strip stangler” and his closed-floor plan, cozier condo (number of levels unknown) from episode 02x15 “burden of proof;” and sara's studio apartment from episode 02x12 “you've got male” and her one-bedroom apartment from episode 05x13 “nesting dolls” (which, admittedly, look very similar to each other due to the walls being painted in the same eggplant hue but are just different enough in layout that i can't force myself to believe that they're actually one-and-the-same place).

note the shelving between the front door and the kitchen, which seems to be a built-in fixture; the kitchen cupboards, which are all on one level; the white countertops; and the lack of a bathroom off to sara's right.

note the lack of shelving between the door and the kitchen, plus the bathroom off to sara's right. the kitchen cupboards (which are visible behind grissom when he talks to sara about rationalizations) are also multi-level and have different moldings. plus, the countertops are gray. overall, the front entryway seems smaller/more cramped than the s2 apartment’s, as well.

meanwhile, from mid-s5 to s9, depending on how one calls some of the ambiguities, they may live in anywhere from one (if we make an incredibly conservative estimate) to five (if we make an incredibly liberal estimate) different locations together, depending on if one believes that the bedrooms from episodes 06x24 “way to go,” 07x22 “leapin' lizards,” and 09x02 “the happy place” are the same/different, and how one sees the bathroom from episode 07x17 “fallen idols” and the living room/kitchen area from episode 08x12 “grissom's divine comedy” as fitting into the picture.

all of the above is to say that with so much ambiguity surrounding the issue—and especially given that the show never clarifies anything with regards to grissom and sara's living arrangements, and particularly not concerning the timeline, specifically—everything is really open to interpretation, so your call is just as valid as mine or anyone else's.

my thoughts are after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

my headcanon, which is have no real way to substantiate, goes as follows:

so as discussed in the first meta i linked up top, i think that grissom and sara get together in mid-s5, between the events of episodes 05x19 “4 x 4” and 05x20 “hollywood brass.”

when they first get together, sara is living in the one-bedroom apartment from episode 05x13 “nesting dolls,” while grissom is (most likely) living in the same condo he was in in episode 02x15 “burden of proof.”

my headcanon is that when grissom and sara finally get together, they spend the first few weeks of their relationship meeting up exclusively at sara's place. their routine is that grissom shows up on sara's doorstep after shift, they spend their “alone time” together (i.e., a few hours at a time), and then he leaves shortly afterward, never actually sleeping over.

initially, sara is all right with this arrangement, as she's swept up in the happiness of just being with grissom in itself. however, as time goes on, some insecurity starts to creep in, as she begins to wonder why it is he always seems to run off so quickly after they have sex and how come they never go over to his place.

were he any other man, she'd suspect that he were cheating on her, a la hank peddigrew, but because it's him, she's just kind of bewildered. she can’t figure out what his deal is.

eventually, unable to help herself, she confronts him about his aloof behavior.

it is at this point that he tells her about his dog, hank (who, per my headcanon, he had adopted after rejecting sara's romantic overtures at the end of s3 in a misguided and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to distract himself from his heartache)—i.e., the reason why he always has to rush off after he's with sara and never sleeps over with her. he also starts inviting her over to his place (where she gets to meet hank and quickly starts sleeping over herself).

of course, on grissom's end of things, in typical grissom fashion, he is completely oblivious to the fact that his "run out the door immediately after the romancing is done" routine is freaking sara out. in his mind, as a gentleman, it is always his job to come to her, so that’s why he never invites her over to his place. meanwhile, his responsibilities as a dog owner are just so separate in his mind from his relationship with her that he doesn't think to explain what his reasons for leaving so abruptly every afternoon actually are. it's only when she calls him out on how he's acting that it even occurs to him to inform her about that part of his life. of course, once they actually have that conversation, he’s mortified that he ever gave her the wrong impression about his desire to be with her.

to my mind, once sara starts staying over at grissom's, it very quickly becomes an “every day” kind of situation, where by the time they've been dating for just a couple of months, she's for all intents and purposes living with him anyhow.

i think they then officially decide to move in together during the summer between s5 and s6, which, in my favored timeline, is about three or four months after they start dating.

when they do so, i think grissom is the one who does the asking, and he does so much in the same manner that he later proposes to her in s8—i.e., in a very, impromptu, off-the-cuff, “just because in the moment i'm so overcome with love for you” kind of way.

while you and a couple of other people i've heard from think that sara might be hesitant to take that “next step” with grissom and especially so soon, i personally don't read her that way. 

to me, even though she may be scared of losing out, sara's approach to her relationship with grissom has from the get-go been to jump in with both feet, and the only thing that's ever held the relationship back has been his reluctance to take action, not hers.

if it were her call, they would have started living together when she first moved to las vegas back in 2000.

the way i see things, the girl who has always, since day #1, been the one pushing for them to take their relationship further is not going to suddenly get cold feet when the guy she's been in love with for the better part of a decade finally shows her that he's ready to commit (and especially not since they’ve already practically been living together anyhow).

that's cause for rejoicing, not pumping the brakes.

she's eager to enjoy every second with him, when it comes to them sharing a life together, so when grissom floats the “let's move in together” idea, i think her response isn't, “eh, let's hold off—” but rather “awesome! what do we need to do to make this arrangement work?”

that’s just more in keeping with her characterization to me.

to my mind, once the decision to officially move in together is made, grissom and sara opt to “start fresh” by going to a new condo, largely because, by this point, certain members of the team have already visited grissom's place in the past (during the earlier seasons of the show), and grissom and sara want to “close that door” again, cutting down on the likelihood that catherine or whomever else will just show up on their doorstep unannounced. it's a kind of hard reset for them—an opportunity to go somewhere that none of their friends has ever been to, redrawing that boundary, pulling down that curtain.

of course, finagling the whole “living together without letting anyone know we're living together” deal takes some careful planning on their parts.

i’ve written fic about it, if you’re interested.

like you, i believe that sara doesn't initially put her name on any titles or deeds, in order to avoid there being public records of the cohabitation.

i also think she likely has to keep up her lease on her old apartment in order to have an address to give to hr at work and to fill in on her taxes.

how grissom and sara work out the financials of this move is difficult to say. the fact is that grissom is much more “economically established” than sara is overall (just observe the differences between his s1 condo and her s5 apartment in terms of their general "standards of living"), so especially if sara still has to pay rent on her apartment, then it's unlikely that she would be able to contribute as much as he does to the down payment, mortgage, and condo fees on their new place as he would. however, i also can't imagine that she'd be entirely comfortable not paying for anything. i'd be fascinated to know how they divvy everything up. (do they ever combine bank accounts, i wonder?)

as i talk about in the second meta linked up top, i tend to believe there's (subtle) canonical evidence showing that they're already living together by the end of s6, mainly in the form of the furniture configuration in the room (i.e., two nightstands, both fully stocked with personal items).

that said, i also don’t think that the room we see in episode 06x24 “way to go” (with the bathroom to the right of the bed if you’re looking at it from the foot) is the same one we see in episode 07x22 “leapin’ lizards” (with the window to the right of the bed if you’re looking at it from the foot), so i personally headcanon that grissom and sara move again sometime between s6 and s7, maybe just because they don’t like the management at the place they move to initially or because they realize they are living relatively close to another one of their teammates and don’t want to risk running into them at the grocery store or something.

maybe there’s even some kind of situation where they almost get caught, and they figure it’s best to relocate after their close call.

in any case, i think the place they live in starting in s7 is the same condo we see throughout s8/s9—so the bathroom with the green plant/butterfly décor from episode 07x17 “fallen idols” is part of that place; as is the bedroom seen in episodes 07x22 “leapin’ lizards,” 09x02 “the happy place,” and 09x04 “let it bleed;” and the kitchen/living area visible throughout episode 08x12 “grissom’s divine comedy.”

once grissom and sara’s relationship becomes public knowledge, i think sara’s name goes on the title to the condo, as well (and certainly by the time they get engaged).

in episode 09x11 “the grave shift,” catherine mentions that after grissom goes to costa rica to reunite with sara, he doesn’t immediately sell the condo (as the housing market at the time is horrible) and instead uses it for storage.

for how long grissom and sara hang onto the place once they’re married is difficult to say, but i imagine they retain it for the first little while that they’re globetrotting at least, possibly even keeping it as a “home base” while they’re living in paris.

it is perhaps to this home that sara returns when she first comes back to vegas in s10.

—though, eventually, i do think (as you do) that she and grissom purchase the house we later see in episode 13x15 “forget me not” as their matrimonial home, where sara lives between s11-s13 at least and grissom whenever he comes to visit her from france and/or peru.

sara then seemingly “gets the house” in the divorce, though whether grissom officially deeds it over to her or just moves out and lets her have it in a more unofficial capacity, we can’t say.

and i don’t care enough about the later seasons of the show to have my own headcanon on the matter; i just prefer to ignore that the divorce ever happened.

whether or not sara ever sells this house in the wake of the divorce is likewise unknown. while we don’t ever see the house again post-s13, that’s mainly because we never follow sara home again, so it’s really “dealer’s choice” on what one thinks there. 

if she doesn’t sell it at any point prior to “immortality,” then what becomes of it after she moves onto the ishmael with grissom is also indeterminate.

since it would seem that they don’t still own the house when they make their extended visit to vegas during the reboot—or else why would they need to live in catherine’s hotel?—they do seemingly at some point sell it. however, whether they do so immediately after their reunion in marina del rey or wait a while afterward is uncertain.

as the reboot tells us next to nothing about what they get up to between 2015-2021, we have no idea how much or how little time they spend in vegas during those years.

as i talk about here, i imagine that they do have to go back to vegas for at least a while before they fuck off to live on the ocean for the rest of their lives, as “while the idea of sara immediately and permanently quitting her job, flying to california, hopping on grissom’s boat, and sailing off into the sunset with him FOREVER is supremely romantic, that idea ignores a lot of logistical realities, [including that] sara still owns a house in vegas. while she could sell said house or rent it out, she would have to return to land at some point in order to do so... [and] she would also, undoubtedly, have loose ends she had to tie up at the lab.” however, for how long they remain in vegas surrounding the selling of the house and quitting of the job, i can’t even hazard a guess.

as stated up top, since the show never broaches this subject directly, no one headcanon is more valid than the others here.

mine is that grissom in sara move in together in early s6, move to a new condo circa the start of s7, and then live together in that condo between s7-s9, but your mileage may—and from the sounds of things does—vary considerably.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another (including your s7 sabbatical question!) at any time.      

[mnemo-li]

Calebros: A Rant About My Favorite VTM NPC

I do love the newer Vampire: the Masquerade content, but sometimes the writing leaves a lot to be desired. A prominent example is - what in my opinion is - the butchery of Calebros’ character in Beckett's Jyhad Diary.

While I do love seeing the more brusque side of Calebros’ personality, I don’t think I’ve ever recalled him being this vulgar in the original Clan Novels. He was definitely not dropping the f-bombs left and right, and even his gruff manner had more to do with dry humor, sarcasm, and keeping up the dignified image fit for a clan leader. I do realize that this series of chat is set much after his whole ordeal as Prince of New York is over, so maybe the experience really changed him. However, the in-universe explanation of his drastic shift in personality is lacking– it is most likely the result of a change in writers which led to inconsistent writing and characterization.

Here are some examples of scenes that presents his characterization in a more nuanced light.

Scene 1: The Nictuku Accusation

“They would have eaten me, I tell you!” “I believe you, Jeremiah,” Calebros said in a forced, calm tone. He was tired of nodding politely, of reassuring his clanmate. Jeremiah could be a difficult person to like at times. This was rapidly becoming one of those times. “Don’t you humor me!” Jeremiah snapped. “I’ve been coming to you about this for weeks now.” Seems more like years, Calebros thought. “And still you’ve done nothing. Nothing!” Jeremiah paced around, gesticulating wildly. There was no second chair by Calebros’s desk, and for this very reason. He mostly didn’t like guests, didn’t want guests, didn’t want to encourage them to sit down, to take a load off and stay for a while. Most anyone who had reason or inclination to visit Calebros was irate, complaining, or tiresome. Jeremiah happened to be all three presently. “That is not true,” Calebros assured him. Jeremiah snorted in disgusted. “What, then? Tell me. What have you done?” “I have considered quite carefully your report.” “Ha! Like I said, nothing. ‘Considered my report…’” Jeremiah repeated contemptuously. “This is what I think of you and your reports—” he said, grabbing a handful of papers from the nearest stack on Calebros’s desk. Jeremiah made to fling them into the air— Instantly, Calebros’s hand shot out and latched around his visitor’s wrist. Talons pricked undead flesh ever so slightly. “Believe me,” said Calebros evenly. “You do not want to do that.” They faced each other for a moment, one monstrous creature restraining the hand of another. Jeremiah’s fingers, biting into the papers, were long and grotesquely thin, little more than needles of bone. His entire body was thin and hard and covered with knots, bulging masses of hardened tissue, like an old, gnarled swamp tree. Finally he stopped resisting Calebros and returned the reports to the desk. “I’m sorry,” Jeremiah said and resumed his pacing, just as intently if less frenetically.

This is from the Nosferatu clan novel. Here, Jeremiah is trying to get Calebros to believe that there truly are Nictukus dwelling in the sewers. Calebros is, frankly, tired of hearing the folk tale especially when he has other pressing matters to deal with. Yet, even with his patience paper thin, he does not lash out at his broodmate. He is shown to be deeply introverted, anti-social perhaps, but he does not let his own nature affect his duties. As the Nosferatu primogen - as the leader of the clan - he has to listen to the concerns of his family, no matter how absurd. He knows when to express his authority, and he never abuses it. Again, no f-bombs dropped.

Scene 2: The Salt Lake

“Geez, what am I, your mother?” Emmett asked. “No,” Calebros said. “You are my brother, my broodmate.” “Brood, litter, whatever. We were both chosen to suck the old blood tit, so who am I to ask questions?” Calebros sighed. Blood tit, indeed. “That’s not how you remember it.” Now it was Emmett’s turn to sigh. “Don’t do this. Don’t get all… You always do this, get all touchy-feely we’re-all-brothers-in-the-blood, when you soak your head, blah, blah, blah…” “Make light of it if you will—” “I will. Thank you very much. Got enough salt here?” Emmett flicked some at Calebros.

This is from the Nosferatu clan novel. Here, Calebros has just came up from his meditation within the mud hole / salt lake. He is shown to be introspective and even sentimental. In terms of character voice, his more poised speaking style and inner monologue is contrasted against Emmett’s rough, colloquial style.

Other Sources

In the Calebros graphic novel, a similar scene is shown where Calebros is depicted to be trying and failing to remember his past before he became a vampire, losing his mind as he mixes up imagination with false memories. His inner dialogue in the graphic novel shows him saying:

“Do I tell him that his prince, his... compatriot?, is losing his mind? Never.”

This very much reflects his true nature. In Vampire: the Masquerade, there is a system of nature vs demeanor. According to his character sheet, his demeanor is that of a “director” while his nature is a “martyr (penitent)”.

Director: To the Director, nothing is worse than chaos and disorder. The Director seeks to be in charge, adopting a "my way or the highway" attitude on matters of decision-making. The Director is more concerned with bringing order out of strife, however, and need not be truly "in control" of a group to guide it. Coaches, teachers, and many political figures exemplify the Director Archetype.

Martyr: The Martyr suffers for his cause, enduring his trials out of the belief that his discomfort will ultimately improve others' lot. Some Martyr simply want the attention or sympathy their ordeals engender, while others are sincere in their cause, greeting their opposition with unfaltering faith in their own beliefs. Many Inquisitors, staunch idealists, and outcasts are Martyr Archetypes.

Penitent: The Penitent exists to atone for the grave sin she commits simply by being who she is. Penitents have either low self-esteem or legitimate, traumatic past experiences, and feel compelled to "make up" for inflicting themselves upon the world. Penitent Archetypes aren't always religious in outlook; some truly want to scourge the world of the grief they bring to it. Repentant sinners, persons with low self-esteem, and remorseful criminals are examples of the Penitent Archetype.

All of these quotes, if feel, matches very much with the Calebros I knew from the clan novel saga. Below are also a set quotes detailing Calebros’ inner dialogue in his graphic novel.

“As prince, only I can save them, only I can keep them from looking where they shouldn’t. A force exists underneath this city, sleeping, and it must remain so, lest we all perish.

“Augustin, my sire, left us to investigate the Nictuku, and came back to me with this information. Could this be Gehenna? The Final Nights? When the Ancients awake to devour their errant children? Can it be stopped? Should it be stopped? Everything that is done is a hope of staving off the inevitable. Why?”

“My embrace into this world was a foregone conclusion, made for me by Augustin. It is no different for anyone else. Why then do we not welcome the coming Armageddon? Exchange one world for another. It sounds almost painless, except I would never accept such a course, neither would my fellow Nosferatu. Neither would my fellow Kindred, for that matter.”

He is incredibly contemplative, and determined too, willing to fight against the inevitable apocalypse of the vampires. As long as his clan and the Kindred as a whole does not give up, does not give in the the despair of Gehenna, he too will be willing to fight for the survival of others.

Scene 3: Against a Master Manipulator

The character of Hesha is... complex. I see him as sort of a sweet-talking, cunning, charismatic cult leader. Here is a dialogue between him and Calebros.

“No harm was done,” Hesha said softly, his voice still the slightest bit scratchy from the ordeal he’d undergone. “As you say,” said Calebros, not looking up and continuing to write furiously. “You concede without agreeing.” Hesha laughed quietly. Calebros’s head whipped up. Angry words were ready on his lips, but the Egyptian’s smile was not mocking. The Setite obviously realized the weakness of his position, physically and strategically, as well as the fragility of their alliance. “Candor is important between friends,” Hesha said. “Otherwise, perceived insults take hold and fester.” “I am quite accustomed to festering,” Calebros said curtly. “I fear that I’m growing so as well,” Hesha said, squeezing one of the boils that stood raised about one of his many open wounds until the canker popped, and frothy pus ran down his arm. He laughed quietly again. Calebros punctuated a written sentence with a particularly violent period. “Your woman willfully disobeyed her instructions.” “She exercised discretion,” Hesha countered. “She blatantly disregarded the safety of my people.” “If anything had gone wrong,” Hesha said, “it would be Pauline lying torn on the ground. Your people would have faded into the night, none the worse for wear.” Calebros fumed. Probably Hesha was correct—but the Nosferatu was not about to admit as much. “I will speak with her,” Hesha said reasonably. “She has not encountered those of your clan before. She’s not aware of how strongly your predilection for…” “Cowardice?” Calebros suggested accusingly. “Prudence, I was going to say. She’s not aware of how strongly your predilection for prudence runs.” Good choice of words, Calebros thought. But, then, Hesha always chose his words carefully, always seemed to know just the right thing to say. It was discomforting in a way, how easily the Setite could alleviate tension with just a few words. Go ahead, Eve. Take a bite of the apple. Adam might like some too. But it seemed that they needed one another—and that outweighed their natural and mutual tendencies to distrust one another. Just barely.

Hesha’s actions managed to get under Calebros’ nerves, as seen in his curt speech, his furious writing, his accusatory reply to Hesha. He is angry for the safety of his clan (which, as seen from all the other sources, is something very dear to him). He is even shown to be stubborn, refusing to admit that Hesha was correct. Even still, he keeps his head rather than loose his cool completely. He also realises Hesha’s smooth words for what they are- manipulation. He is willing to compromise and form a sort of alliance with Hesha too, despite of his distrust and personal feelings.

Calebros and Ramona

I found the strange friendship Calebros had with the Gangrel Ramona to be incredibly touching, and tragic due to the turns it took towards the end (which I won’t spoil). Below are some excerpts from the Nosferatu clan novel showing Ramona’s initial meeting with Calebros and his later assessments of her character.

Neither Pauline nor the other girl, Ramona, had been subjected to the full brunt of facing a Nosferatu. Not until now, that is, when they were brought into Calebros’s presence. He did not hide his true appearance from them. And he could read the dismay, the fear and disgust, on their faces. Of the two, Pauline made the worthier attempt, attempt, to maintain her demeanor of professional detachment—perhaps Ruhadze had taught her well. The Gangrel, unsurprisingly, was not so couth. She gawked, both at Calebros and at Hesha in his current condition, and she hid her revulsion quite poorly, if she tried at all. […] Ramona looked at Calebros again, a more measured look this time, trying to see through the deformities. Good girl, Calebros thought. Young and brash, but not stupid.

Ramona reached for a calendar on Calebros’s desk, but tossed it back when she realized it was from 1972. “That’s still a whole month, and nobody knows where Leopold was that whole time. He could have gone back to the cave.” Smart girl, Calebros thought. He was leading her along the same path of reconstructing events that he had followed.

He compliments her intelligence again and again, and seems genuinely fond of her. Which I believe is why, after he became Prince of New York, he allows her a private audience with him to which he offered her a safe passage out of town which she rejects, viewing his actions as a betrayal. Below is an excerpt from what I think is the Clan Brujah novel.

The hunched form stepped forward, leaning heavily against the seatbacks as he came. Ramona kept straining to pick out the sound of broken gasps that must accompany such labored progress, but the air did not stir. "You had requested an audience, my dear. A private audience. I have gone to some pains to secure a place where we might be alone. Privacy is such an indulgence here. All too often, I find myself unable to justify the expense of importing it. And there is always someone else jealous of such decadence. But you have not come to hear of my distractions. Sit here, next to me, and tell me why you have come.”

[…]

“Calebros chuckled low, a sound like an engine turning. "No, I don't imagine you would. I will miss your straightforward style, Ramona. I find it refreshing. But already you know that there is no longer any place for you here. In the midst of battle—against the Sabbat and later, against Leopold and the Eye—we could afford certain marriages of convenience. But these partnerships will not survive the challenges of peacetime. Your associates, Mr. Ruhadze and Mr. Ravana, they found themselves in much the same position. Each has already left New York.”

[…]

“Calebros was silent for a time, letting her wind down. "I'm sorry I couldn't help you with the Eye, Ramona. And I'm sorry you will have to leave us. Believe me, I would like nothing better than to find a place for you here. I will have sore need of people who can be relied upon in the nights ahead. But you know what you would be up against if you remained here— the posturing, the none-too-subtle snubbing, the outright backstabbing. You are a rarity among our kind, Ramona. But because you are different, you will be hated and eventually destroyed if you stay among the society of the damned. Know that I will remember our time together fondly. If I can be of any assistance to you in relocating..." "No, I understand. It's 'thanks for your help; here's your bus ticket.' Well, I don't need any of your favors. I don't like the strings attached to them. And I resent the fact that you think I'm so stupid that I'll let you screw me over and then thank you for it." "Ramona...”

Again, even during his tenure as Prince of New York he is so damn eloquent, I definitely can’t fathom the word fuck ever slipping out of his mouth. He is compassionate, helping Ramona perhaps for future gains too, but mainly I believe he genuinely wants to do something right, give her the happy ending she deserves for once.

Moreover, I have a soft spot for this quote of Calebros pondering about Ramona’s nature, why she’s always so angry at the world, why every word out of her mouth sounds like an accusation. It showcases well his world-weariness, a cynical attitude that hides his concerns for others.

What have you seen that makes you so angry, so bitter, little one? Calebros wondered. Family killed? Have you been betrayed? How many times, I wonder. You’d best get over it, if you hope to survive.

So... yeah. I’d pay money to see an accurate portrayal of Calebros in a newer media otherwise I might have to write my own fanfic pairing my OC with him

[meggannn]

shepard/garrus?

oh boy, sorry for the late response! I always end up posting these things and then going to read/take a nap/play a game or something. anyway writing this up took two hours, i hope it is even slightly interesting to read. cut because this is looooooong

What made you ship it?

I think I was interested in this ship before I even played ME. I was just like “I know Shepard is a character and an alien named Garrus is a character, and people draw porn of them together.” because I think it’s reasonable to say it’s one of, if not the most, popular ship in the fandom, or at least in ME’s tumblr fandom? and the way people talked about it, I knew their tropes were #banter, #battle couple, #partnerships, and... and as we’ve learned from royai, I am a bit weak to those tropes (assuming I like both of the characters). the way people talked about them also from a “best friends” angle—which is sort of forced in-game in a way that seems strange to me now—was also a plus in its favor at the time. (if they get together, I do see their friendship/companionship, in whatever form, in some ways integral to their romance—unless you’re playing full far-right renegade who’s like a xenophobe and hate-fucking Garrus, I guess?—but Bioware also kind of shoehorned Garrus into that best-friend role and that’s a topic for another day.)

What are your favorite things about the ship?

(my friend will hit me if I say “partnerships” again) I’m gonna talk about the way I play my Shepard now, because so much is dependent on the unique Shepard. for Lydia’s journey over the series, I see a large part of her journey as basically a study of her (often self-inflicted) loneliness. and she never entirely breaks her habits of self-isolation, but the events of the series force her to be vulnerable in a way she would prefer not to be in front of a crew, or, y’know, ever. Garrus becomes an integral part of that story to help her break her out of these bad habits (all of the crew does, particularly also Ashley for my Shep), but to my eyes, the story of “Shepard and Garrus’s relationship” is also one of mutual respect, burden-sharing, and sanity and morality checks.

I don’t think of their “mentor” relationship in ME1 very often mostly because I don’t think it was done particularly well, but for all its faults, I do like how naturally the jump from “subordinate” in ME1 to “ally” in ME2 felt; once you meet Garrus on Omega you feel more on the same footing as two friends greeting each other because you’ve both recently been through trauma and the sight of a friendly face in a station full of hostiles is so unexpectedly welcome that it lets them both hope things will be okay for a minute. starting from that moment, Garrus becomes one of the few people who can see “under” her mask, I guess: partly because he’s one of the few combatants from the SR-1 who knows Shepard well and sees who she is both on the field and onboard the SR-2, with the ability to compare both to the times of “before you died”; partly because he has trauma response training and recognizes it in others even if he doesn’t in himself; partly because his loyal personality makes him sensitive to wonder how she’s dealing with being resurrected; and also partly because they’ve both gone through similar things. namely, getting your squad killed and blaming yourself for it, and it possibly being your fault (BioWare is inconsistent on what Shepard’s role was on Akuze, but in ME1 she has the chance to reply that she was responsible for getting them out safely, and failed).

necessity forces Shepard to adapt to things like being effectively forced to work for terrorists; being isolated from her support system; being resurrected and feeling like a stranger in her own body; later, getting decommissioned for making an incredibly difficult call to save the galaxy; watching your homeworld burn; being forced into a political role negotiating high stakes you don’t know how to play; being told you’re the spearhead of a galactic war; doing all of this without a full crew complement; the list goes on. those are all, on their own, incredibly isolating, traumatic experiences, and my Shepard’s not emotionally sane at the best of times. (emotionally stable, perhaps, only in the most literal of terms, at least on the surface. she’s like a rock when shit hits the fan. emotionally sane, no, for that reason and more.)

the tables have turned, and Garrus ends up becoming a large part of helping her regain agency in most if not all of those things: in ME2 he was a former crew member she trusted, and he was eager to work for her and be distracted from his failures on Omega. over in the battery, he is himself recovering from a major injury (like Shepard) and going through the aftermath of a bloodbath he feels responsible for (like Shepard), working on a crew that holds him at arm’s length, that he also... arguably... didn’t have much choice in joining (like Shepard—I’m assuming he wasn’t held hostage and joined voluntarily after waking up, but lbr this is unconfirmed). their reasons are different and varied, but they don’t realize until much later that they have found each other at the most opportune time, providing a sense of stability for each other, and also, frankly, sanity and morality checks.

in ME3, he steps into this role more fully because he’s become more disciplined, is doing work firmly in his wheelhouse, and paired up against Shepard struggling with their positions somewhat reversed from ME1: him more confident and her now completely out of her element, floundering with her place on a galactic scale. without Garrus—and Chakwas, and Joker, and Tali, and later the loyalty of the entire SR-2—the story of ME would be a tragedy, and it would end shortly in ME2; it’d be the story of how my Shepard slowly went insane being forced to fight boogeymen under a terrorist banner. Garrus isn’t, like, the keeper of her sanity, but their ability to check each other, and see themselves in the eyes of each other, provides stability and occasionally a bit of a wake-up call to both of them. when they’re both vulnerable, they both feel most seen, and most understood, by an alien that listens.

one angle of this ship that highly interests me at the moment, along with the above, is that while it’s not illegal for them to be together, it’s still... a really bad fucking idea lmao. (I could make the argument that it’s a bad idea for Shepard to be in any relationship with their crew but I think there are a few ships—Garrus, Tali, any Alliance crew at all—that realistically would be huge political clusterfucks.) so overcoming personal insecurity and fear of the unknown to acknowledge interest in each other, and the desire to become an item, getting roadblocked by a reality wake-up call with the fact that 1) she’s his boss, 2) Garrus comes from a society where station matters, like, sort of a lot and it even determines your job and how much legal power you have, 3) the potential political blowback (which would be ENORMOUS because lbr the hierarchy may not care about what turians do in off-hours but they WOULD care about the superior/subordinate thing, the human thing, the fact that they’re doing this while a war is going on. basically one of their best agents is on the Normandy to negotiate their interests and they’re basically at the whims of their relationship the whole time)... it’s a lot! all of that sort of makes it tragic, but I’m curious to see how they’d overcome it.

anyway, all of that is where I’m coming from when I think or write about this ship, but there’s a lot more I’m not mentioning here. there are a lot of juxtapositions that in my head that I’ve either added or extrapolated from canon that also interest me about this pairing. Garrus is a former cop, as is his father; Lydia is a poor kid who used to be in a gang out of necessity. Garrus is a turian with often traditionalist thinking; Shepard is a human who has much less sociopolitical power than him, even if she is his superior on the Normandy. both of them are roughly as old as the First Contact War, when their people were at each other’s throats not thirty years ago. Garrus idolizes Spectrehood while Lydia hates it, feeling it was forced on her. they can’t eat the same food. and yet despite all of that, and the fact that they need translators to communicate, they manage to understand each other when a lot of the world around them doesn’t.

god this is not even the full list of it. anyway I could go on but I’ll stop there lol.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

oh jesus, so much. I’m a grouchy and picky shipper, be warned.

pining can always make my ships more interesting, and imo it’s a consistent part of any ship of Shepard’s, considering it’s wildly inappropriate and unprofessional for her to be fucking any subordinate, so I think more consideration could be given to shakarian in the “we shouldn’t be having a thing and oh also you’re an alien and I’m kind of scared of both your government and your body” angle! I hope to explore that a bit with a fic I’m writing (if I ever finish it, god).

I hate the flavor of fandom!shakarian where Shepard romanced Kaidan in ME1 then felt “betrayed” when he’s confused and hurt on Horizon, so she gets with Garrus as like... revenge? idk. and then Garrus usually develops this bias against Kaidan as a sort of author mouthpiece (which is inconsistent with his characterization cause Garrus is nothing but pleased to have Kaidan back on the SR-2 in ME3!) and takes up the anti-Kaidan crusade cause K ~questioned the commander~ (since when does Garrus fall over himself defending a superior from criticism?) like, idk. I think Garrus can be sensitive to the fact that that reuniting must’ve been painful for Shepard, but also be aware that it was also really painful for Kaidan because all of Kaidan’s complicated feelings about Shepard’s resurrection were, realistically, things Garrus should’ve felt too! this trope is very popular but just feels like manufactured drama for drama’s sake, idk, I’m also not big on love triangles so. I would much rather people just rescue Ashley on Virmire and avoid the whole thing rather than have previously-romanced Kaidan around in ME3 for the sole purpose of forcing him to watch Shepard/Garrus being happy together tbh.

I think full goody-goody paragon Shepard is too preachy to make a good partner for Garrus and full shoot-anyone-in-my-way renegade Shepard encourages and emboldens his worst tendencies (and Castis Vakarian is right to disapprove of them). most people end up playing some combination of both, or if they do settle in one camp or the other, usually there is some sense of realism where Shepard doesn’t play nice/naive or play mean all the time, so it’s rare I see either of those kinds of extreme Shepards depicted, but in general if there is a Shepard that is so far in one direction it seems illogical to me that they ever stay together.

I think wanting a mShep romance for Garrus is a pretty welcome idea in fandom, but adding onto that, I think Garrus should’ve been romanceable in ME3 for players who changed their minds on other romances or want to play slow-burn romances! we had it for Kaidan—and should’ve had it for Ash—so (pounds fist on desk) Garrus too imo!

I hate the canon get-together because Shepard walking into the battery and asking “do you want to fuck” feels very tailored to the players who want to romance Garrus, not to who Commander Shepard is, imo. it lacked all of the subtlety and depth of some other romances—until the scene of Garrus coming to her cabin with a wine bottle, at least, cause I do like that scene, but anyway, I dislike the actual get-together.

just in general, I’m a stick in the mud, so my favorite iteration of this ship is where Shepard is resolutely professional, and the challenge of it becomes him getting her to open up, not the other way around. like, I think on some level every iteration of Shepard is a bit of a lunatic/eccentric, because you have to be to do the things they do, but I like to see their flirting with less of her calling him “big guy” (not sure where that came from, is that in canon? I must’ve missed it, but personally I don’t like it) and more of Garrus making wisecracks in the canteen while he’s talking to Joker, but he’s looking at her out of the corner of his eyes and he really said his joke with the aim of making her laugh, and as she’s reading her datapad she hears him, and even when she wants to chuckle she stops himself and just smirks cause she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a laugh, but he sees her lips twitch and feels his heart flutter. that. I want more of that.

oh lastly, I hate “Shepard takes Vakarian clan markings” in any iteration. there is no canon relation to turians being poc—in fact I’d argue they have sociopolitical privilege real-world bipoc do not—but the concept of social face markings, face tattoos, etc., is rooted in non-white cultures and with the fact that 1) turians had a literal civil war over the territories those markings represent, 2) we don’t even know if marriage is how markings are shared or if non-turians are ever invited to wear them in the first place, 3) most of the art of this trend, lbr, is of mostly white Shepards in wedding dresses and blue face paint... all that combined just makes me frown and scroll faster every time I see it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bipoc Shepard with Vakarian face markings in fic/art, and that to me is very telling (not because they should have them, but because bipoc fans who make bipoc Shepards usually recognize when a racially-coded trope is uhhhhh not so great to appropriate for someone not of that group).

[neutral-emerald]

SILVER THE COSMIC TIME-JANITOR (or: dude, what's with all the alternate futures)

silver the hedgehog has a very simple backstory. he's a kindhearted, sorta-naive but altogether very driven psychic hedgehog here to save the world by time-traveling to the past (also known as present-day) to prevent the apocalyptic future he was born into from coming to pass!

[ID: A screenshot of Silver from Sonic 06. He’s glowing with cyan energy as he flies over a dark, post-apocalyptic city.]

...wait, if he's time traveling 200 years into the past to completely change the shape of the timeline, how do the stars manage to align such that he manages to be born at the exact same point in the new timeline with the exact same genetics? how are his parents born? does silver have parents?? and how does he do this no less than THREE SEPARATE TIMES??!

hey everyone, i'm tumblr user neutral-emerald here to make good on the idea i vaguely gestured at yesterday and point out silver's wildly inconsistent backstory(s) and then explain to you how this isn't just sega playing hopscotch with the concept of time travel, but actually TOTALLY EXPLAINABLE if you don't mind a whole lot of conjecture and "fuck dude i just think it'd be cool."

LET'S GO.

before i get started, a few things to establish.

first, this is about… half serious, tops. it’s less of a theory and more of an observation of something that’s weird and then throwing some possible explanations at it because i am a massive sucker for time-based nonsense. if you wanna take my observations and build your own conclusions, go for it. i’m not your boss.

second, i'm basing my conclusions off of both the games and the idw comics. the conclusions i draw are applicable to either continuity, but the logic does rest a decent amount on the comics, so just a heads-up in case you were expecting pure game canon from this.

and third, i'm working off like half a brain and very intermittent checks of the wiki and cutscene compilations, so there's probably many things i'm missing! if you notice something i said was wildly off-base, go ahead and correct me in the replies and i'll either edit the post or explain to you just how that detail doesn't actually matter, depending on whether it. y'know. matters.

with that out of the way, let's get into the first topic of discussion!

part 1: the future is inconsistent, y'all

now, i'm not sure if you've heard, but in the year 2006 sonic team released this little indie game creatively entitled Sonic the Hedgehog. it was a smash hit, won countless awards, and for some reason went down in history as a messy, incomplete bugfest. but that's not what matters. what matters is that it introduced Silver the Hedgehog.

silver hails from 200 years in the future. the world is a bleak, fiery place, and has been since the monster iblis was unleashed after princess elise's death. silver was born into this world, which we know since it's literally the first thing he says in his story.

[ID: A cropped line from Silver's story in Sonic 06. "This world was devastated before I was born."]

i'm not going to drag you through a beat-by-beat summary of the entire plot of sonic 06, you should know it already. silver meets mephiles, gets lied to about who caused the apocalypse, mephiles yeets him and blaze into the past, he tries to murder Sonic the Hedgehog™, and so on. eventually he helps kill god, and then sonic and elise travel further back in time to kill god even deader so that none of the game ever happened, and the bad future into which silver was born never happened, thus thoroughly scrubbing silver's existence from the timeline!

...until.

sonic rivals.

i'm not going to speak much on sonic rivals, mostly because i'm not super familiar with it. but what matters is that silver is back! he's still from the future, he's still here to change the past, and most importantly he wasn't deleted from existence by the destruction of solaris, unlike everything else from sonic 06 including everyone's memories of it. and obviously, whatever state his future is in, it's not the same as it was in sonic 06.

now, i don't have a single clue what is going on in rivals 2, so do inform me if there's some big information i'm missing from that one. all i know is he's fixing yet another possible apocalyptic future, like always. correct me if i’m wrong, i don’t have the patience to trawl through it myself.

then we've got sonic colors, in which silver is again from the future. notably, he’s definitely not from an apocalypse!

[ID: Some screenshots from the DS version of Sonic Colors, again cropped to just the text. Tails and Silver are talking to each other.

Tails: What's the future you came from like, Silver? Silver: A lot brighter than this. Silver: The sky is blue, and everybody's got a smile.]

sonic generations doesn't add much. again, correct me if i'm wrong, but i don't think we learn anything about what kind of future silver is from, and he's definitely not here to fix it this time. that's sonic's job! he's just hanging out like everyone else.

now, up until this point the future has been reasonably consistent, setting aside my somewhat abstract understanding of the rivals games. there's nothing to say that silver's not coming back in time from the same point in a single timeline, which is the one and only version of the future ever since the destruction of sonic 06.

UNTIL.

[ID: Two panels from the comic Sonic Forces: Stress Test. In the first panel, Silver looks worried as he lands in front of Knuckles, who looks skeptical.

Silver: We've got big trouble! Eggman— Knuckles: How can you be here? I thought you returned to the future?

In the second panel, Knuckles looks away with a self-assured grin, while Silver looks more panicked.

Knuckles: Oh wait— I must be dreaming! Silver: What? No! I've come back with a dire warning from the future!]

i have a lot of issues with sonic forces, especially with how its story is written. something i do NOT take issue with is the supplemental comics, mainly because they are WONDERFUL evidence for my crackpot time travel theory.

like i said, up until this point we don't really know whether silver has been experiencing separate instances of the future, or simply traveling back in time to prevent an also-time-traveling eggman nega from messing things up in the past. but here, we get some very juicy information:

[ID: Knuckles and Silver again. Knuckles has his arms crossed and is looking at Silver, who has a nervous look on his face as he slams a fist on the palm of his other hand.

Knuckles: Come again? Silver: Something happens that brings the world to ruin! But the historical records are sparse or make no sense. I came back to hopefully head off whatever's about to happen and save the future.]

silver travels back in time to prevent a terrible apocalypse. this is not the beautiful future silver came from in sonic colors— but this is the same silver. everyone recognizes him. he recognizes everyone. and yet, the future he came from is different.

part 2: silver is a walking paradox

allow me to remind you of what i pointed out when i was talking about sonic 06. silver was born into the iblis-apocalypse. considering no elaborate timeline nonsense happened to him before the events of the game (by his reckoning) i think we can safely assume he was born like a regular person with parents.

in the first post-06 timeline, silver was probably also born. let's be charitable, acknowledge that sonic team doesn't overthink the butterfly effect like i do, and say that silver was born to the same parents, because the universe likes to keep things nice and simple and contrive itself to make this particular character exist in this time period.

so, it's entirely fair that silver comes to exist in a post-06 timeline at the equivalent point in time, aka 200 years in the future. it's also fair that he travels back in time to prevent some kind of apocalypse, because that's his narrative role! it's what he does. when it's time for him to exist in the story, that's what he's there to do.

what isn't fair is the fact that it keeps happening.

[ID: A panel from the IDW comics. Sonic is stretching his legs while looking faintly exasperated at Silver, who is nervously holding his arm.

Silver: Er… No. I came back because defeating Eggman didn't save the future. Sonic: Couldn't even play along. Had to bring the mood down. Sonic: *sigh* Okay, what happened this time?]

[ID: The following panel, cropped to just Silver's text bubbles narrating over a starry sky.

Silver: When I left, my time had been conquered by the Eggman Empire. Everyone lived in fear, choking on polluted air. Silver: When I went back, the Eggman Empire was gone— but so was everyone else. Silver: There was nothing left. No people, no animals, no machinery. Only water and sparse, metallic plant life.]

allow me to summarize my understanding of all this: silver is from the future. normally, the future is good. sometimes it isn't. when it isn't good, he goes back in time and fixes things, then returns to the future to check if that fixed things.

the least conjecture-y interpretation i can come up with is that sometimes silver will go into the past, then go back to the future but end up in a Bad Timeline and thus go into the past again to fix things. there's no weird warping directly between bad timelines, he only gets there by way of the past.

but that's boring, so here's my PREFERRED interpretation.

silver hails from a good future, but sometimes it just changes. he's unstuck from time— if something weird happens in the past, he's the only one to know that the passage of fate was changed, because he went to bed in one timeline and woke up somewhere categorically worse, and the only way he can fix it is by figuring out just what caused this and going back in time to fix it.

or, to say it in a meme:

[ID: A picture of someone lying in a hospital bed with a nurse standing next to them, edited so that Silver is in the bed.

nurse: sir… you've been asleep for 2 hours silver: oh boy i can't wait to wake up in the same timeline i went to sleep in]

part 3: how did this happen?

it's one thing to point out that silver doesn't experience time like a normal hedgehog, and another thing to explain how and why this happens.

fyi, this is the part where i go wildly off the rails and start saying whatever i want. there's a ton of explanations one could come up with, most probably stemming back to sonic 06. i'm just going to go with my own, and probably not come up with a whole lot of concrete evidence because i'm just spitballing. this is me having a fun time. going "heeheehoohoo time traveling hedgehog go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

so. something i haven't touched upon is that in all games after sonic 06, silver can time travel. we never see him do it, it's never explained how he does it. all we know is that he's doing it under his own power.

which is kinda odd, don't you think? should he be able to do that?

in sonic 06, we see three mechanisms for time travel. first is the chaos emeralds. if two people perform Chaos Control with a chaos emerald apiece, they open up a swirling rift in the air which can send them to different points in time and space. silver can't be doing that, for obvious reasons— he's only one hedgehog, and he's not exactly running around with a chaos emerald at all times. that can't be how he does it.

second is a time machine eggman built. that obviously can't be it; the machine doesn't exist at all after the timeline gets wiped, and again, silver is doing this on his own. he's actively antagonistic towards eggman, even. absolutely not this one.

third and finally is mephiles, who can make big purple orbs to take himself and passengers to different points in time. this obviously can't be it either, for similar reasons to number 2, right? after all, mephiles is one half of solaris, who was destroyed before he could be split off. he doesn't exist to be silver's time-traveling uber driver.

...right?

well, obviously. i'm not going to try and tell you that mephiles is secretly alive and shepherding silver back and forth between timelines for no reason. that's ridiculous. no, i'm going to try and tell you that silver is mephiles.

or rather, he's solaris. or RATHER, he's the new solaris, sorta-ascended to the role of Time God after the old one got blown out like a birthday candle.

like i said, i'm going wildly off the rails and as such don't have any concrete evidence to explain why it's this instead of something else, but hear me out. after elise blew out the flame of hope, the universe was left in an interesting situation. someone needs to be in charge of the flow of time, but the previous time-god was just unceremoniously destroyed. but all the power and energy of a time-god has to go somewhere, in some form, in some time.

with nothing else to go off of, the role of time-god starts flipping through every notable being it had interacted with. they're all solidly accounted for in the timeline, except for one. silver the hedgehog was born into a timeline that cannot exist. silver the hedgehog does not, and cannot exist. silver the hedgehog interacted quite a bit with both sides of solaris— he spent a substantial amount of time fighting back iblis, and associated with mephiles, even being one of the few people to directly experience his time travel abilities. silver the hedgehog tried and failed to absorb iblis into himself.

here's my theory: after sonic 06, the universe reasserted itself such that silver was the new Solaris. silver is not consciously aware that this is what he is, but he knows that he can time travel. sometimes the timeline will rearrange itself around silver. he is unaffected by this because he is a higher being unaffected by such petty trifles as "an origin" or "paradoxes".

silver the hedgehog probably doesn't have parents. he sprang into existence one day and everyone just kind of went with it, himself included.

oh also something i thought was neat but couldn't think of where to put:

[ID: More cropped dialogue, this time from Team Sonic Racing.

Silver: I'm fine. It's just, something bad is gonna happen. I can't explain it. I just feel it. Blaze: Have your travels through time given you precognition? Silver: I don't know. Maybe they have. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.]

silver might be becoming psychic in a future-vision kinda way. that, or he’s riddled with anxiety. possibly both.

TL;DR

silver hails from no less than three separate timelines, his existence is a tangled web of who-knows-how-many grandfather paradoxes, and i choose to believe that he's god.

if anyone who cares more about evidence wants to gather up like, little one-off clues that support or conflict with my conclusions, go right ahead. or just throw your own arbitrary headcanons for what's going on with this at me. or incorporate these ideas into an au or something! i just want more people thinking about what the Fuck is up with silver post-06, because by god there is a WHOLE lot of potential packed in there

anyway thanks for reading make sure to like comment and subscribe—

[cutietobio]

scenarios w iwaizumi, lev and yaku with an s/o who usually dresses super conservative and comfort>style but wants to try stepping out of her comfort zone so on one of their dates she shows up more put together and wearing clothes that show a bit more skin? (like off the shoulder tops, shorts, skirts w/o leggings etc) n the boys get a little flustered or excited?? ;);) thank u! im trying to step out kf my comfort zone too so i felt like this would b cute nd make me more motivated not to give up!!

mmm yessss good stuff. this is the fluff I’m after. I hope you enjoy these, anon!! and I really really hope they motivate you because you’re beautiful and deserve to feel comfortable!! i love how these scenarios gradually increase in word amount as I go along I’m so sorry for the inconsistency oops.

IWAIZUMI

For your movie date with Iwaizumi, you were feeling a bit experimental with your choices in clothing. Instead of your usual conservative style, you wore a shorter skirt with your legs fully exposed, choosing not to wear leggings like you usually did. The rest of your outfit went along together nicely, but you felt a little self-conscious whilst overlooking yourself in the mirror. You have never taken such a risky clothing choice before, one gust of wind and your legs wouldn’t be the only thing on display. Luckily, the evening weather was quite calm.

Your heart pounded loudly in your chest as you approached the movie theatre, eyes scanning the many bodies of people in search of your boyfriend. You spotted him leaning against the wall, casually watching the crowd walk by, your mouth dried at the sight of him. His style was one you always loved, a mixture between edgy and casual. He looked good, and you could only hope he thought the same about you.

“Hey, Hajime-kun!” you greet with a friendly smile, opting to stand a few feet away from him due to nerves. Your voice caught his attention immediately and he opened his mouth to ask why you were standing all the way over there until his eyes fell on your outfit and his words died off in his throat, his eyes widening at your exposed skin.

“Babe?” you question, your smile fading ever-so-slightly. You weren’t sure whether his speechlessness was meant to excite or worry you.

“You…You look nice,” Iwaizumi muttered out, coughing into his fist as he turned to look to the side, avoiding eye contact with you. The tips of his ears were tinged red and his cheeks were equally as flushed. Catching this, your smile widened.

“Thank you, but I think you look better.” He scoffed at your words and held an arm out for you, which you hooked your own arm around without a moment to spare.

“Whatever, believe that. Let’s get inside,” you nodded in reply, enjoying his blushing state. Both of you shuffled inside, buying your tickets and snacks before heading into the movie.

After your date, Iwaizumi took you home. Both of you stood outside your house, gazing at each other, neither wanting to leave. 

“You looked great tonight. I think you should…dress like this more often,” Iwaizumi trailed off shyly, annoyed by how fast his heart was beating just by standing so close to you.

“Really? I was actually worried you wouldn’t like it. I’ve never dressed outside my comfort zone like this before but… you make me feel beautiful, so maybe I will,” you offer him a delicate smile, blushing hard at your admittance. 

“I make you feel beautiful?” Iwaizumi questioned in a whisper, and you nodded in reply. He appeared to be taken aback by your words.

“Yes, you do.” There was a bit of lingering silence before Iwaizumi took a step closer to you, his hand grasping your own gently.

“I’ll make sure you always feel that way.”

LEV

Your boyfriend always took you out on fun dates that mainly consisted of you going outside, you thought it would be time to dress more appropriately for the occasion of the summer festival that he wanted to take you to. The afternoon sun would be hot, added with the running around he would likely make you do, you wanted to expose more skin to keep you cool. That and you also wanted to push yourself to dress outside of your comfort zone and experiment with new styles.

You wore a cropped t-shirt, with a denim overalls/denim shorts and a suiting pair of shoes. Having never worn something so exposing before, you were obviously a bit self-conscious and found yourself continuously tugging at the hem of your shirt to cover up your skin. Due to its short cut, the material merely snapped back in place. It was too late to bail and wear something else as you were already a few minutes late for your date, so you swallowed up your doubt and headed out.

Lev was standing at the festival’s colourful entrance, actively searching the heads of people in hopes of spotting you. You did text him saying you were running a bit late, but he had faith you would be there any second now. Once he saw you, you were given no time to prepare and anticipate his reaction to your outfit, as he immediately manoeuvered through the crowd and brought you close to him with a tight hug.

“Found you!” he laughed out joyously with closed eyes, which popped wide open as he felt the silky texture of your skin underneath his hands. Pulling back, he stared down at you in curiosity. You gulped, wishing the earth would swallow you up as he took in your appearance.

“Waah! You look so beautiful!” Lev cried out, bringing you into another hug which you slowly returned whilst processing his words. He…liked it? “You always look beautiful, but these clothes on you look great!” He pulled away again, examining you with gleaming eyes of adoration.

“Thanks, I was nervous that you might not like it…” you admit sheepishly.

“Me?! How could I dislike anything about you?!” he whined out about your assumption, “you worry too much, princess! Let’s go have some fun!” Before you could blink, Lev grabbed his much larger hand in your own, lacing his fingers with yours as he guided you safely through the crowd. Despite his exciting demeanour, he always handled you with such care and love it made your heart swell.

Throughout the day, Lev could barely shut up about how great you looked. He would constantly remind you how good you looked with your outfit and point out things he liked about it. You ended your day with one last ride on the Ferris wheel, and whilst furthest from the top, he turned to look at you.

“I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable!” his words touched your heart directly, and you hugged him, catching him off guard slightly but he returned the hug a second later.

“I should thank you for that, you’ve made me feel more open to trying new things. Like…getting on a Ferris wheel,” you giggle, breaking from the hug to peer down the edge of the cart. You paled at how high up you were, but Lev tugged you back before you could worry about the height more.

“I’ll always be here to support you, princess!” he said with his usual happy tone, nuzzling his cheek against the top of your head.

YAKU

Your boyfriend had always enjoyed taking you on traditional and romantic dates, this time, he had really outdone himself, wanting to take you to a pretty fancy restaurant where even a dress code was required. You took this opportunity to exit your comfort zone when it came to your style choices and decided to go shopping for a dress. It hugged your figure perfectly, exposing your collarbone and also dipping to your lower back. You had never worn something like it before and scrutinized it intently in the mirror.

Despite the unease you felt wearing it, you forced yourself to ignore those feelings and finished dressing with a pair of heels/flats and minimal accessories since the dress itself was quite eye-catching. You were dropped off at the restaurant and entered in, hoping your nervousness didn’t display across your features.

A figure approached you from your peripheral vision and you turned to find Yaku looking handsome in a crisp black suit. Your heartbeat wildly against your chest, feeling much more nervous than before. He looked so good, you could practically be moved to tears. At that moment, you forgot all about the insecurity you felt wearing your uncharacteristic dress and smiled at him warmly.

“(Name), wow…” he stated breathlessly, taking in the sight of you. He felt his cheeks warming up instantly, convinced that he truly had the most breathtaking girlfriend in the world. Yaku wished he could tell you that, but he feared you might think him to be too cheesy. “You look stunning,” his eyes met yours and he held out an arm for you to take.

“Thank you, I’m glad it’s okay,” you mumble with a blush matching his own, latching onto his forearm as he redirected you to your table that was decorated with white and gold cutlery and trinkets. 

“Okay?” he turned to give you an incredulous look, “It’s more than okay, you really made me lose my breath back there.”

“Stop,” you whine out softly, dipping your head to hide your worsening blush. Yaku merely chuckled, kissing your temple and pulling your chair out for you. You thanked him after having been scooted forward and the evening was spent indulging in delicious food and almost crying of laughter due to your wild conversations. He took your mind off of everything, and you honestly felt good in your dress.

Once the evening came to a close after desert, Yaku offered to drive you home rather than taking an Uber. Obviously, you agreed and enjoyed furthering your conversation in the warm confines of his car as you could admire him openly and tease him about keeping his eyes on the road if he turned to meet your gaze.

Upon reaching home, the two of you sat in comfortable silence, Yaku making no attempts to unlock the doors and you making no attempt to question why. You wanted to stay with him longer, so even if they were unlocked, you wouldn’t have left.

“Thank you for tonight, you really spoil me too much,” you speak softly, for it’s easy to hear each other over the dead silence.

“I don’t think I’m spoiling you, I’m treating you to what you deserve,” he argues warmheartedly, turning to give you a small smirk. It fell quickly, as his face morphed into that of seriousness.

“Oh no,” you express with a small laugh, “I know that look, you’re gonna-”

“You look really beautiful, (Name), I mean it. I can’t express how glad I am that you’re feeling more comfortable with yourself, and even around me. That really means the world to me,” Yaku declares with the utmost sincerity, grabbing both of your hands in your own.

Your eyes narrow affectionately, your mouth opening but closing shortly after as you have nothing to say. Pulling your hands from his, you reach over and tug him into a hug, your arms around his neck and your chin resting on his shoulder.

“Mori-kun, I swear I’m going to marry you one day,” you mumble, sighing out contently as he rubs small circles into the exposed skin of your lower back.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

[jamestaylorswift]

The Archer - Analysis

I was nudged to write out my thoughts about “The Archer” and I’m honestly glad for the push. This song is so beautiful yet haunting. I don’t see people appreciating it as much as I think it should be appreciated.

Standard disclaimer that this is my own personal reading of the song. You are free to disagree with any or all of what I say. There are many good interpretations of this song out there. It helps that it’s a very evocative track 5!

This analysis is not short. Sorry.

——

Combat, I’m ready for combat

I say I don’t want that, but what if I do?

‘Cause cruelty wins in the movies

I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

——

Unlike other tracks on Lover, there’s no concrete imagery such as a garden gate or prom dress in this song. Taylor is sharing what only exists in her mind. This is a story told purely with metaphors. It’s important to lean into them.

The purpose of the first verse is to contextualize the rest of the song. She introduces the idea of being torn about wanting a fight. She would only want to fight someone if she has a really good reason to do so. Her driving force is “cruelty winning in the movies.” Her thrown-out speeches are the thing that would start the fight. Tossing the speeches implies that she is unsure not of the content of the speeches but of entering the fray of battle that would ensue after delivering them.

It’s very hard for me to see these speeches as anything but coming out speeches. Coming out (even as a non-celebrity) is often stressful. Cruelty winning in the movies is a nod to the fact that mainstream media depicts LGBTQ characters meeting tragic ends. Taylor, as a wildly famous celebrity, has cultural influence. Her coming out would impact the culture; it could change the endings of those movies. But her impact would only be measurable years in the future. 

This verse is also where she first addresses the “you” in the song. I think the “you” is essentially a random observer/everyday Joe Schmoe. It’s nobody in particular because it could be anybody. The only thing remarkable about “you” is that she’s directly addressing them. That makes this story personal.

——

Easy they come, easy they go

I jump from the train, I ride off alone

I never grew up, it’s getting so old

Help me hold onto you

——

If the “you” in this song is a random person who has some benign preexisting opinion (whatever that may be, including a non-opinion) about Taylor Swift, then the “they” refers to arbitrary people who are on the fan/hate train. “They” come and go easily and represent flux in interest in her. I read the metaphor about a train with momentum as the implication that general interest in Taylor waxes and wanes but is inherently self-sustaining because of her celebrity. In this song, “they” aren’t necessarily the enemy like the public was, for example, in reputation. She just doesn’t concern herself with “them” anymore. It’s the “you” who has her full attention and who is sticking around to hear the story.

Finally, we get the first of many “help me hold onto you”s. This one is her articulating why she’s telling this story in the first place. It’s “I want you listen to this story and try to understand.” It’s “help me,” but in a chill way.

——

I’ve been the archer

I’ve been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

——

The archer is the zodiac symbol for Sagittarius, the centaur, Taylor’s astrological sign. Taylor exists in parts, just like a centaur: she is part her celebrity persona and part her real self, an amalgamation who is a Taylor different than either of the constituent halves. To the “you” it’s Taylor in her purest form. It’s impossible to completely separate her celebrity from her person at this point.

The chorus is about the duality of Taylor’s being, her actions, and others’ investment in any part of her. As the archer (hunter) she has aggressively exercised control over her public persona. As the prey (hunted) she has been a passive victim chewed up and spit out by the public/industry/etc. for things outside of her control. Sometimes it is her own actions that drive people away or attract people to her. Sometimes it is by individual choice that people board or leave the train.

The archer, Sagittarius, is also symbolic of a prophet who can predict fate. The prey is a victim of a terrible fate that, by nature, cannot be changed. I prefer to think of the archer/prey metaphor as commentary about the duality of fate rather than intense combat (for which a bow and arrow would probably be insufficient). This song is Taylor trying to reconcile the certainty of her future with distress about the unknown consequences of present-time decisions.

(Note that this first chorus is where the bass drum beat starts. It represents anxiety about the future. The first part of the song is exposition. The drum only comes in when she starts worrying about the “what ifs.”)

——

Dark side, I search for your dark side

But what if I’m alright, right, right, right here?

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face

Then I hate my reflection for years and years

——

Nobody Joe Schmoe has no obvious reason to hate Taylor for anything that she just said. But Taylor knows what comes next in the story. She’s anxious about Joe Schmoe’s reaction to what she’s about to say.

Taylor admits to doing self-destructive things. Because of the context she provided at the beginning of the song, I believe this is a reference to staying closeted. The “reflection” could be the literal reflection of her now-noseless face. Hating it is pure personal regret for self-destructive actions. The “reflection” could also be the mirror which her fans/the public hold up to her. Her self-destructive choices manifest in others’ toxicity. Hating what they’ve become starts with hating the ways she enables that behavior. (It’s really both “reflections.” The duality of man, yadda, yadda, yadda…)

More important than blaming herself for any (*cough*) past decisions, she articulates the pain of being in the closet in two simple lines. Burying a significant part of yourself by hiding behind a carefully constructed lie is exhausting. It’s sad. It also provides protection and safety and it’s unfortunately all too common. Cruelty wins in the movies, thus people are cruel to themselves.

——

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost

The room is on fire, invisible smoke

And all of my heroes die all alone

Help me hold onto you

——

I think people consistently underestimate just how morbid “The Archer” is. Taylor reveals that her prophetic future is death—specifically, becoming a ghost, thus leaving an imperceptible trace of herself. She already feels suffocated by that possibility. Her suffering is invisible. She might just be left to die a slow, agonizing death via asphyxiation. Worse yet, what happens afterwards? Asphyxiation from invisible smoke would make it seem like she just dropped dead of her own accord. Or if the smoke somehow became visible….well, if you could see a ghost in the first place, a smoke-filled room would make that impossible. The implications are staggering and they’re all sad.

Few, if any, of Taylor’s heroes have literally died alone. I’m going to go out on a short limb here and say that Taylor probably sees parts of herself in her heroes. Therefore, the “heroes” in a song supposedly about the dilemma of coming out are other famous people who were/still are closeted. Taylor identifies herself as a potential role model for the younger generation like her heroes are for her. Her heroes’ lonely metaphorical deaths are exactly what she fears. Dying alone is being in the closet indefinitely. It’s being misunderstood and not having any way to rectify that situation. Perhaps this song is about the mortifying ordeal of remaining unknown.

As evidenced by the invisible smoke in the room, she thinks her metaphorical death is certain and imminent. The “help me hold onto you” is now “help me,” but in a very unchill way.

——

‘Cause they see right through me

Can you see right through me

I see right through me

——

As a reminder, “they” = random people in the public and “you” = nice, ordinary Joe Schmoe whom she wishes could understand her predicament. Being see-through is being seen without substance. Therefore, what the bridge is not saying is “don’t you see how obvious it is, isn’t it wild that people don’t pick up on me and/or my lover being loud in public?” It is saying “I am literally a ghost to ‘them’ because ‘they’ look at me and don’t see any of this pain, I’m basically dead to myself too because I feel like I’m already doomed, you’re my last hope so please say you see me.” Who cares about reaping the benefits (love, adoration) from the mortifying ordeal of being known? At this point she’s pleading simply to be seen as herself. “I see right through me” is her worst fear. This is why this line breaks out of the bridge and bleeds into the surrounding choruses.

(The bridge, to me, is where it becomes clear that treating the “you” as her lover with whom she could come out does a serious disservice to the rest of the song. Her lover as “you” inverts the meaning of the bridge. This makes the story inconsistent. I appreciate the gravity of the “help me hold onto you” line if it were spoken to a secret lover. However, being seen/understood is more intimately tethered to being out as an individual than being out with another person. In my mind, it makes more sense for this attitude to be an invariant of the song.)

——

All the king’s horses, all the king’s men

Couldn’t put me together again

‘Cause all of my enemies started out friends

Help me hold onto you

——

The Humpty Dumpty rhyme is basically “anthropomorphized egg sits on top of a high wall, anthropomorphized egg falls off the wall and shatters irreparably.” Taylor as Humpty Dumpty makes the wall she’s on top of the pedestal of fame/success. She’s saying that coming out would topple her from her pedestal. Her image as a woman who became famous for writing heterosexual love songs is as fragile as an eggshell. When it breaks, what is left behind?

“All the king’s horses, all the king’s men” might be a reference to her fans whom she once considered as friends but whom can also be incredibly toxic. I read it as a catch-all for anyone who isn’t Taylor. The key of this verse is her musing on why an eggshell can’t be repaired. It’s not for lack of manpower. It’s that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men—everyone, literally—are enemies and don’t want to reconstruct Humpty Dumpty. They simply don’t believe Humpty’s death is so tragic that they would spend effort to change his fate.

Taylor fears that darling Joe Schmoe, a friend to whom she is addressing this story, could become an enemy by conscious choice. She can give Joe Schmoe the truth and plead to be seen, but Joe Schmoe can still choose to see right through her anyways. It’s terribly frightening to be honest yet have that vulnerability go unacknowledged. Taylor coming out is her facing the prospect of instant confirmation that good people do not care. She could die a ghost despite efforts to be visible.

——

Who could stay?

You could stay

Combat, I’m ready for combat

——

Coming out is a choice but being gay is not—it is fate. She has no control over how others react to that. Taylor slowly acknowledges throughout the song that her future isn’t in her hands. She ultimately shifts away from the prophet/victim binary by reiterating that she’s sure of herself and that whatever happens, she’s not going down without a fight.

Lover the album isn’t just about romantic love. This song is not construing an inherently unequal and sometimes toxic relationship with fans/the public as love. “The Archer” romanticizes the possibility of someone reacting to honesty with kindness and understanding. Love is being seen.

[chippedteakettle]

GOT rant

I think the most wildly frustrating thing about this ENTIRE game of thrones debacle is that I can’t even remember the last time I felt this thoroughly invalidated about the way I feel.

I am a writer and I love stories, but most of all I love CHARACTERS. I have a passion for editing stories and smoothing things out to make character arcs feel believable and like the dialogue and choices ring true and feel as natural them as possible. And as such, I feel like I have a good eye and solid intuition about when things feel a bit off the rails, but every single time I have spoken up about the dissonance within season 8, I have been hushed.

I have been told that I can’t say the show is making incorrect or “wrong” choices because it’s not my creation- that I therefore am being unreasonable in my own right if I critique the writing or say it seems lazy or poorly fleshed out or straight up bizarre. That I am a hater for using my ability to employ critical thinking.I have been tossed the age old insult that I am both too invested and also somehow clearly missing things. I have been told that others are “even more on dany’s side than me” or that they “love her just as much as me, but this was the only obvious outcome and it’s clear through the entire series.” Wanting something that simply made sense means I am being an ignorant thrones fan who just wants a “happy ending.” “BS. If everyone including dany dies in the end for a justifiable, believable reason and its how the entire show ends, I wouldn’t enjoy it but I could understand it and that’s truly all I’m asking for. I am so sick of being shushed and silenced....

And it’s ALL by my peers who are MALE fans of the show. Every woman I know who loves this franchise LOVES the dimension of dany and feels robbed. But every man I’ve spoken to personally in my small corner of the world is perfectly content with the crazy ex girlfriend logic being implemented in this show and I find it both invalidating and absolutely bonkers. To have my sound logic rebutted with flat, non dimensional absolutes that dany is just an angry emotional woman who’s lost everything and this was unavoidable because of her Targaryen blood is absolutely staggering. I have never been so heartbroken- not only for her, but for myself and the women I love that this is readily acceptable. Like what the actual heck?

And I am sick and tired of being told over and over and over again that this seasons ONLY issue was being rushed. I am completely over some of the smartest people I know repeating the rationale they were spoonfed by D&D as if they are valid factors behind the character’s choices and motivations. I am BEYOND baffled by the amount of smart, intellectual men that I have seen who fully accept this atrocity of a season at face value and BELIEVE that every choice Danaerys made in the last two episodes was fully validated, justified and foreshadowed and made apparent in a clear, obvious way throughout the entire series. That is garbage.

What was FORESHADOWED was the battle against the dead. What was FORESHADOWED was the power of the three eyed raven. What was FORESHADOWED was the prince who was promised and the intervention of the lord of light. What was FORESHADOWED was Jon’s Targaryen lineage and ultimate legitimacy and how it would eventually affect him.

And all of these legitimately foreshadowed things were all chucked out with the rubbish to pick up these random threads that they tried to weave into something that ultimately fell apart.... now I will concede that Dany was made increasingly cold and absolute in both her decision making and emotions approaching season 8. Dany is depicted as ruthless when exacting justice with the potential to go too far. That is very valid. There are hints of her potentially going too far and it having dire ramifications and potentially little remorse. I did not like this choice but it IS plausible. But what she does to Kings landing and the scale in which she does it has nothing to do with vengeance , retribution or justice- It’s just illogical. And that’s why it doesn’t fit....

a monarch who intends to protect the downtrodden suddenly becoming an intentional blind mass murderer of innocents who have already surrendered to her because her council betrays her and she decides to rule a dead city by fear MAKES NO SENSE! call it foreshadowing all you want but it’s an inconsistent plot point within a well established character.

A character having the potential for a poor decision based on their flaws is NOT the same thing as telling us it was the unavoidable conclusion to her tale. You cannot make a human character without giving them flaws. The existence of those flaws is not proof that the flaws will inevitably undo them. It only shows that there is a chance for something to happens.... not a direct indicator. The characters code of ethics, core beliefs, and level of self awareness still dictate how much power their shortcomings will have over them and how much they will indulge in their weakness. And with danaerys, despite her temper and despite her “divine right of kings” mentality that the iron throne should belong to a a Targaryen, there is SO MUCH MORE EVIDENCE to the validity of her good nature overruling her darker inclinations. At this point, she has been failed by her advisors, but she still wishes to make Westeros a better safer place, take back her birthright, avenge her fallen children and friends and be a better Targaryen than those before her. So it makes no sense for her to hurt civilians....Because Danaerys above all, wants to be a good ruler. She wants to be ruler who inspires love and deserves it. This is clear when she told Jon point blank in season 7 that she hopes she deserves the gift of both his faith in her and the faith of the north backing her. She makes this incredibly genuine confession even in the wake of handling the heart crushing loss of her first dragon and child. This is something that would typically consume her with grief, but she is instead concerned with the world at large and hoping she is worthy of the trust bestowed upon her.

This is not the sentiment of a cruel unreasonable tyrant. It is the true heart of Danaerys Targaryen. It is an indicator of humility, objectivity and positive potential. It is an indicator of the fact that she DOES deserve love and loyalty. That caring about whether or not she deserves the sacrifices others make for her will drive her to make wise, good choices that benefit those who support her and ultimately benefit the world at large because she considers the ramifications of her actions and how they affect the people while none of the other rulers of Westeros have.

The complete abandonment of her prior sense of justice and self awareness in her dialogue in the throne room in episode 6 is inconsistent with a ruler who never wanted to be her father. Her logic is tyrannical then and *out of character*- then she dips back into being madly in love with Jon : not because she is crazy but because this monologue is incohesive and needs revision!

As a woman who has been sweet and soft her entire life, I am so done with being trampled on by boys and their incoherent rhetoric. I was abused my entire life and sexually taken advantage of by a man I called my husband at the time. I am not as sweet and delicate as I used to be prior to that. I’ve had seasons where I lost absolutely everything and it devastated me. And at my core I am the same girl, but I have more grit now. I stand up for myself and I have more strength to assert myself and stand up for those around me. Not because of my abuse (Sansa), but in spite of it. I get walked over less and am honest and driven while still being idealistic...But none of that makes me ”MAD”. Those are not symptoms of insanity or depravity. Nor are they evidence that should I systematically lose everything all over again that I would commit mass murder. No, Madness is not what danaerys suffers from. Danaerys suffered from being written in a short sighted, poorly plotted way that was inconsistent with her heart and narrative.

Danaerys was being tipped in a direction that certainly contained much more chilling absoluteness, but that DOES NOT justify ANYTHING. If that is the rationale alone, then Sansa is the same character! Other characters, including female characters in this show, have done heinous things but there is NO other character who was labeled as entirely beyond salvation after a *single* choice. And that is another nail in the coffin of this backwards logic!!

Tyrion betrayed her and undermined and redirected her so many times but still lived to tell jon to kill her BECAUSE SHE WAS LOYAL ENOUGH TO HIM TO LET HIM LIVE EVEN AFTER TELLING HIM HIS NEXT BETRAYAL WOULD BE HIS LAST! if dany is truly “mad,” then there should be nothing at all holding her back from slaughtering him where he stands on the stone steps of kings landing when he insults and disrespects her in front of her entire army-but she doesn’t! She civiliy has him removed and chained and allows him visitors!!!! Yeah, what a completely irrational despot.

And even if she DID kill him, it would be because it was EARNED! He committed treason more than once and prioritized her enemies over her despite being HER hand. This was the FIRST Thing she does that is out of whack and they suddenly think she’s going to murder Jon snow because of a fear of his legitimacy? She’s never so much as raised her voice at him! So why in God’s name would she kills him?

She’s begged him, she’s shown him her desperation and vulnerability and fear and desire to connect with him, and shown him in every way she can that SHE is still on HIS side but after a single (albeit brutal) action, she is only bad and purely unsalvagable? What? Even Theon Greyjoy got a better redemption arc than that and he literally burned two little boys to death!

Can we also address the fact that Dany knew of John’s bloodline for nearly the ENTIRE season and does not breathe a word of it to anyone, even when her back is against the wall at dragonstone and everyone she trusts has failed her. It has not even occurred to her to betray him because regardless of what anyone else may say or think, danaerys is LOYAL, almost to a fault. She never treats John any differently outside of being shocked the moment it’s revealed and still continues to love and seek him out, desiring closeness with him as he pushes her out, because she still wishes to be with him regardless. Because she is not petty or terrified that he will steal people’s love from her. Even if she realizes she is out of place in the north, it never occurs to her to betray his confidence.

While goddang Sansa can’t even keep her petty sharp tongued mouth shut for a whole thirty minutes before she rats out his secret for her own short sighted benefit because she’s what?jealous of danaerys and thinks she’s smarter than John?

But sansa is openly praised in the aftermath of this series as our queen in the north !? For what? For being a snake? For ruining John’s life and getting the brother she wished to hold close exiled beyond the wall and suddenly being unable to form a single word to defend him in that council when she knows good and well that she started this and it’s her fault but she’s articulate enough not one breath later to ask for the north’s independence???? For seceding from Westeros when her own brother is king just so the whole world knows for sure just how racist and xenophobic the north is- not by tradition but by choice? For being an unoriginal, unclever mean girl who hates danaerys because she’s different and is jealous that she’s a queen and then Sansa gets her way and ruins her in the least strategic, most sloppy, pettiness fueled way ever? But Sansa is considered a beloved character by most men in the end while Dany is fed to the absolute wolves???? What?!

Danaerys has never lied or betrayed her word. She has always had a reason for every action she did. And in the world of game of thrones, she is not surrounded by innocent lambs. Tyrion is a murderer who’s gone free more than once. Jon broke his vows to the nights watch. Varys has hatched more murderous plots than can be counted- including plots aimed at Dany’s own life. Sansa was stone faced as she watched Ramsay die just as dany was at the death of Viserys. Arya has murders countless people- even to the depravity of feeding someone their own children in a pie. Tywin Lannister was calculating, cruel, vicious and treacherous and was a part of countless battles, rebellions and murders- including the red wedding. JAMIE LANNISTER PUSHED A SMALL CHILD OUT A GODDANG WINDOW AND CRIPPLED HIM FOR LIFE just so he could go back to rutting into his own sister in peace. Excuse me? what?? But none of these characters were killed after their FIRST offense. None of them had their internal motivations chocked up to a lazy shoulder shrug of “eh, grief, man. Never know what a woman will do. B*tches be crazy man. Guess I should’ve seen it coming. Signs were probably there all along-she did kill all those evil men tho.” Nor were ANY- not a single one of them- labeled “mad.”

“Mad” is someone like Craster who was beyond all morality and consistently showed a horrific lack of care for human life. “Mad” is someone like Ramsay Bolton who caused dismemberment, torture and rape for FUN. Danaerys Targaryen is not even close to being in this eschalon for a single choice. “Madness” in this particular universe is based on a series of repetitive, consistent patterns that continually choose the inhumane option because of no justifiable reason other than “because they want to”, and that’s just not what we’re working with here.

Dany has a temper. Dany can threaten fire and blood all she wants, but at the end of the day, she doesn’t blindly swing her axe. She is strategic and intentional. And above all else, she does not want to be queen of the ashes- she does not wish to be the next Targaryen to perpetuate crimes of cruelty. She’s already lived with an abusive brother and been haunted by the stories of her seemingly unhinged, possibly schizophrenic father. She shapes each choice she makes to help her become a ruler who only encites fear in the heart of those who wish to do evil, not in the common man. She wishes to liberate and free those who have been oppressed like her- like she is still being crushed, misused and mistreated by the people around her in season 8, episode 5.

So for her to suddenly snap and just take the choice of life away from thousands of innocent people and children in an instant to prove that what- she can if she wants to? MAKES NO SENSE. She wouldn’t harm innocents ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS AVOIDABLE AND SERVES NO PURPOSE!!! how does she risk everything she’s worked for to save all of humanity only to decimate the entire city she wishes to rule from in the span of 2 episodes??? Because what? she’s pouty that John won’t kiss her back? THAT IS NONSENSE. And it doesn’t even touch on the fact that CERSEI IS STILL IN THE CASTLE ! So if rage and grief are the “motivators” then why in the heck would she burn down the civilians of the city she wishes to rule and the leave the red keep virtually untouched while woman responsible for murdering missandei is still inside if vengeance is her game at this point? TELL ME HOW THAT MAKES SENSE. Oh you can’t? You know why? Because it doesn’t!

Either you make her full tilt crazy or let her be Dany, but don’t you dare mix the two and tell me it made a lick of sense. Or tell me that I’m being unreasonable just because I’m a girl who related to dany’s original arc. That’s nonsense. If this is a case of hereditary mental instability then where the heck are the signs?? Because even her fathers descent into madness was GRADUAL. He didn’t just wake up one day and light half the city on fire because he felt consumed by a certain mood- even psychotic breaks don’t work that way. If we’re looking at facts like they keep asking me to, targaryen madness was a long, grueling, arduous descent into chaos that broke Jamie Lannisters heart to watch.

So don’t you dare turn around and suddenly make Tyrion instigate her death just so you can a shitty parallel of both Targaryen monarchs being taken out by Lannisters they trusted or try to tell me that Dany being stabbed in a way she wasn’t suspecting by someone she loved is some kind of Targaryen poetic justice allusion to her father being run through the back when his chaos had reached its apex. Don’t you dare make me look her in the eye while her loving gaze collapses into confusion, hurt and disbelief as John plunges that stupid dishonorable knife in her. That was wrong. Just plain wrong. And none of us should have had to see it.

The “turn” of danaerys Targaryen was unfounded, unwarranted and sloppily executed, and I am tired of being spoken down to like I’m a dumb little girl for believing in this character and despising where they took her and how she got there.

Mic drop

[metalgearkong]

Avengers: Endgame - Review

5/6/19 **SPOILERS**

Directed by Joe & Anthony Russo (Marvel Studios/Disney)

The original Iron Man came out a year after I turned 18 and graduated high school. Effectively, the Marvel Cinematic Universe began as soon as I started my adult life, each film acting like 2 or 3 checkpoints every year, always giving me something to look forward to. While I haven’t loved or liked every movie so far, the MCU has been incredibly consistent, slowly increasing in quality on average as time goes on, not to mention having that sentimental factor of facing the world along side it. Scale has also increased in these films over time, seeing more and more team-up movies with larger and larger casts crammed on screen. Endgame is the biggest super hero movie of all time, and not just based on box office earnings, but based on fan expectations, concluding such an incredible saga.

The Russo brothers have been a godsend to the MCU, directing what are most of the top tier entries so far, including The Winter Soldier, Civil War, Infinity War, and now Endgame. While Infinity War was essentially Thanos’ story, Endgame shifts perspective back to the heroes, picking up the pieces and desperately trying to undo what Thanos accomplished. Endgame is sometimes overwhelming (in a good way), with several instances catching myself holding my breath. One of the best things about this film is the level of pay-off it gives for those who have followed the series since the beginning. While I don’t think I enjoyed it more than Infinity War, Endgame is certainly one of the biggest super hero movies of all time, but sometimes the logic of the story detracts from the emotion and memorable moments of the film.

The movie picks up 5 years after Thanos’ genocide. The remaining Avengers discover a possibility to use the quantum realm (Ant-Man’s shrinking machines) to go back in time and collect the infinity jewels before Thanos does. While this is a “time travel” movie, I like the explanation that Bruce Banner gives that you simply cannot just go back to an earlier time and change the current present; going back in time is like visiting an alternate dimension where what you do does affect that timeline, but yours when you go back continues as its been. This essentially takes care of the “grandfather paradox” of why you couldn’t just go to the past, kill Hitler, changing history for the better. You could tell the writers of this film anticipated question most theater-goers would ask, like “why not just go back and kill Thanos as a baby?” and things like that. 

After being rescued from space by Captain Marvel, Tony Stark has officially retired from being an Avenger. He understandably has lost the battle, and resides to live his life with Pepper Potts and their 5 year old Morgan. Tony’s home life and dynamics with his daughter are some of my favorite moments in the movie, as it further humanizes Tony, and offers even more deconstruction of super heroes this series is known for. When the other Avengers think of a possible way to fix everything, I actively wanted them to leave Tony alone and let him have his earned life of peace, even if half the universe was killed off. But, being the guilty genius he is, he can’t fully let it go, and works with quantum tech to make a time machine for the heroes to use. Quickly, they develop a plan to split off and go to different teams and time periods, and retrieve the infinity jewels from their original known locations.

Seeing the current Avengers physically revisit famous scenes from prior movies was incredibly satisfying and felt like an appropriate use of fan service. Some of the best scenes of the entire movie are current heroes accidentally meeting up with themselves in the past, or accidentally coming across people they miss dearly. One of the scenes that come to mind are Steve Rogers meeting his younger self during the events of The Avengers (2012), and the ensuing duel. It instantly reminded me of playing a fighting game with your friend, but you’ve both picked the same character. It was one of the most and creative and clever moments of the movie. The other best time travel moment easily goes to Tony revisiting the 1940′s and having a hear to heart with his unwitting father, getting closure and a feeling for full circle his character didn’t even know he needed.

One one the complaints I do have about the story is that Thanos is no longer the same Thanos from Infinity War. When problems emerge during Nebula’s trip to the past, Thanos from that time period learns that someday he is successful in using the infinity jewels to wipe out half the universe. Through convoluted events, he is able to travel to the future (Endgame’s present) where he faces the Avengers head-on for trying to spoil his plans. This means the Thanos of this film (B) isn’t the same Thanos as in Infinity War (A), as he hasn’t done anything from those events yet, nor has any history with the heroes. Thanos B also seems to have a more malevolent and less complex attitude about using the infinity jewels, and comes off more as a typical bad guy, and less of a complex emotional psychopathic environmentalist, which is what made his character so interesting in the first place.

The other major issue I have with the film is its seemed to shoot itself in the foot with all the time travel multiverses. The movie feels like it breaks its own rules for the sake of the big emotional character scene at the very end. I’m of course referring to “Old Cap” and how he somehow went back to the past to live out his life with Peggy Carter, yet was able to show up back in Endgame’s timeline as an aged man to pass off his shield to Falcon. Once he went into the past, he, by this movie’s own rules, cannot appear back in the regular timeline because visiting the past is basically a parallel universe. What makes it doubly bad is that it’s not in Cap’s character to simply allow the world to go through the turmoil it did while standing aside through all of it. Don’t even get me started on how this would have affected Peggy’s life and the entire conception of SHIELD. If someone can explain to me how this was all possible, please do, otherwise, it felt like either a genuine mistake, or more likely, the movie bending its own rules for the sake of a payoff (which left me scratching my head and took the emotional impact completely out of the final scene of the movie).

However, I’m extremely happy with the rest of Captain America’s scenes. Aside from the scene mentioned earlier (Cap vs. Cap), his use of Thor’s hammer in the end battle was incredibly satisfying and cathartic. I’ve always felt that if anyone was “worthy” of being a good person and warrior, it was always Captain America. Why he could barely budge Thor’s hammer in Avengers: Age of Ultron is beyond me (unless he was faking it to protect Thor’s feelings). Hell, if Vision could lift the hammer, why couldn’t Cap before now? Cap also gets a lot more time on screen in general, which was nice after barely having any lines or presence in Infinity War. Hawkeye, Black Widow, and other side characters also get their best moments of the entire series combined, and it was nice to see the regular people among the Avengers still have emotionally and plot poignant scenes as good as the super heroes.

Thor’s story arch could be seen as criticisms of the film as well. While the universe in its throws of coping with half of all life disintegrated, and how that would affect hugely every aspect of life, Thor meanwhile settles for comically getting fat and doing absolutely nothing. While I still found Thor in-character and funny in this film, upon further speculation, I really wish Thor continued the high he rode after passing what was his darkest chapter in Infinity War. I thought Thor finally settled into his own, and was confused why he regressed into a gag, even if I found it humorous at first. But, I was thankful certain other characters didn’t steal the limelight, especially Captain Marvel. I still find her way too powerful and her personality wildly unlikable and inconsistent. I tried to defend her character in her own movie back in March, but seeing Brie Larson once again strutting her ego made it impossible to root for a supposed underdog. One of my greatest fears of Endgame is she’d use her power to steal the show, and overshadow the legacy of the original characters in their fight against Thanos.

Summing up every great scene or character moment in this review is impossible, and they certainly outnumber the scenes or concepts I disliked. Almost every character gets some resolution or moment in the spotlight by the end of the movie. The final words of Tony Stark, “I am Iron Man,” was a triumphant moment as it capped off the entire series so far, further establishing Tony Stark as the heart and soul of the MCU. While Tony has never been my favorite Avenger, Endgame pays huge respects to him and his accomplishments, and I was a bigger fan of him than I ever was before. Its too bad that the plot raises so many questions in my mind, especially related to time travel and alternate dimensions. Endgame has too many conveniences for the sake of a big bombastic super hero climax, and I wish some of the logical issues with the plot or characters could have been executed differently. If you have any affinity for this series, you owe it to yourself to see Endgame, and while it has many moments of pay-off and awe, it isn’t the series’ most airtight film.

8/10

[ganymedesclock]

What do you think the difference(s) between Kuron and Shiro are/were? Idk if you've discussed it before, but it'd be cool to see your take on it.

So my two cents honestly haven’t changed much since where they started in s3e5 when Ryou first showed up. (And I’m obstinate about not calling him Kuron- that’s not who he is that’s what Haggar did to him.)

That is to say: Shiro and Ryou are identical people. The one thing Josh Keaton says in his depiction of Ryou is that Ryou is a little shorter-tempered and impatient, and that’s not a difference of character.

Ryou is effectively just an exact duplicate of Shiro who was retraumatized where he felt safe and has a long, growing fear that he can’t trust his own thoughts and feelings. We’ve got abundant evidence before the switch from Shiro to Ryou that getting snappy and belligerent is Shiro’s stress response. 

S2e10 is one example, and it’s not because Slav is supposed to be abnormally annoying- remember, we don’t see anybody else lose their cool with Slav anywhere near the magnitude Shiro does. Other people can be at worst a little flustered or exasperated with Slav being overly intrusive in his curiosity, finicky or doing things that don’t make that much sense from the outside perspective (hitting the teludav with a rock) but both Lance and Pidge completely gape at Shiro when he loses it on Slav in s2e11.

And we’ve seen Shiro plenty pushy about his way before. For most of s2 he was bashing ahead on working with the Blade of Marmora and repeatedly pushing Allura on the subject whether or not she was comfortable. The only reason Shiro didn’t then take the route he did in s5e4 was because Allura caved and agreed to meet Ulaz and then his organization. If she’d refused either in s2e3 or s2e8, I would bet good money that just like in s5e4, Shiro would eventually walk out of the conversation and some time later, the Black Lion would conveniently go missing.

Shiro is characterized through the virtues of the Black Paladin as being a force of personality. Part of that is charisma, but here’s the thing about a natural leader- they’re a “natural leader” when you agree with them. When you don’t, they’re horribly bossy and stubborn.

If you’re a person who naturally and quickly takes charge of situations, that’s who you are. You don’t somehow become automatically patient and understanding in the face of setbacks when, from your perspective, there’s an obvious solution right there that just needs people to listen to you like usual and do what you tell them and it’ll help everyone.

This is not to say Shiro’s a bad or unsympathetic person- or even that he consistently lacks patience! But Shiro’s patience and empathy has to fight that Black Paladin strength of will and calculating mind- there’s a reason he focuses so much on the importance of patience and remind both himself and others that people aren’t obligated to follow if they don’t need to.

There’s a reason Shiro takes people like Lubos and Zarkon who abuse their followers’ trust and reverence for personal gain, so incredibly personally. Because if he chose to just give in, become impatient and forceful, that’s a person he could become. It isn’t, because that’s consistently how he chooses not to be.

For my intents and purposes, I consider Shiro and Ryou as interchangeable people. I don’t believe we witnessed anything that would really fundamentally set one as separate from the other. You have to remember that Ryou had Shiro’s memories- all of them- and plenty of time to dwell on those memories. Ryou, also, like Shiro, is a Black Paladin in that exact same vein, which means he’d spend a lot of time thinking very hard and poking at those memories.

If there was an inconsistency in Ryou’s personality to Shiro’s, if there was something other than “Ryou is snappier on account of being under greater stress and to a greater degree than his predecessor, afraid of himself” thumping away under the hood, Ryou would notice. He would see the inconsistency in the memories that he thought were his own, he’d come to the alarming conclusion that he can’t understand why his past self made the decisions he did.

Ryou doesn’t notice- and neither does anyone else around him, including Keith, who knew Shiro for years. The only time Ryou confesses he doesn’t feel like himself, he’s obviously not talking about the normal “oddity” of being a duplicate of Shiro that he’s been used to for months now. He’s talking about the negative symptoms of Haggar’s power over him.

It’s also worth noting that during the same span of time, the few times we see disembodied Shiro and Ryou reacting to similar stimuli, they mirror each other. In s5e3, Shiro tries to warn Lance- Lance brings it up to Ryou, not realizing the distinction, and Ryou’s response is not to blow it off or dismiss it, but confess that something strange happened and he’s not certain. And Ryou gives Lance his own S.O.S. in s5e6 afterwards, with very similar tonality.

Furthermore, we have to remember that the only reason Shiro appeared to Lance at all was because Ryou functionally acted as his accomplice and set him up- it was Ryou that socketed the Black Bayard which “boosted” Shiro’s wayward spirit strong enough to let him try to communicate with Lance. Which, that in particular is interesting to me, because it would seem to imply on a soul level, Shiro and Ryou are the same person.

After all, Ryou became a paladin in s4e1. Black chose to trust him. And we have to consider in s5e3, Lance socketing the Red Bayard didn’t boost Keith into the astral plane. So the bayards don’t boost their “true” original wielder- they boost their current holder.

At the time of s5e3, that current holder was Ryou. Logically, Ryou should have appeared in the astral field.

He didn’t. Original Shiro did.

The one time Ryou’s essence was projected into the Black Lion, it didn’t manifest separately from Shiro, but rather, amplified and strengthened Shiro himself.

The kicker here? The only way you can tell Ryou and Shiro apart in their paladin armor is by looking at their hair. Unlike when Shiro talks to Keith in s6e6, where his head is clearly visible... the Shiro we see in s5e3 has his head obscured.

Yes, original Shiro takes credit for it- he says that he was trying to warn Lance that he’d been switched out. But I don’t think he was exactly alone.

Because again- logically since Lance was projected into the field by the red bayard but not Keith, and Allura being able to enter the field by the blue bayard- Ryou should be here. And Ryou, recalling, says that everything “went black” when he socketed the bayard, which would sure imply he went somewhere.

I think, without realizing it, original Shiro temporarily absorbed Ryou in that scene. Lance wasn’t just talking to the disembodied s1-s2 Shiro.

This would give us a precedent for s6e7 and what seems to have happened with white-haired Shiro, and, thus, my thesis of this entire post:

Ryou and Shiro, on a soul level, are so similar that they can merge into a single cohesive person without even realizing the difference. 

This is why I don’t tag Ryou as his own character, incidentally- and something that kept me away from clone theory for a long time, because while I was ambivalent to the idea that it wasn’t the same Shiro, I deeply detested the angle which was commonly taken with it- where people acted as if traits Shiro’s consistently exhibited all along are somehow wildly different in Ryou when they’re. not, really.

TL;DR in my honest opinion, Ryou is just a version of Shiro under very specific stresses that make him slightly snappier and this is the only functional difference.

[kytcordell]

Raised by a Borderline

I need to take a brief hiatus from public updates for BTBW. Patreon early access updates and other content will still continue. I just need to prioritize my work load and take some time to recover.

I normally don’t like to involve my personal problems with social media or work, but I feel like this is something that has to be said.

My mother recently made a disingenuous suicide attempt as a means to manipulate me.

I grew up with a mother that has borderline personality disorder. If you don’t know what this is, this article gives helpful information.

People who have BPD often suffer from absolutely delusional and batshit obsessive levels of insecurity, and will do anything in their power to prevent people from leaving them. In my case, my mother had been visiting another city when I informed her that I would be moving out for my own health and well-being. She waited until around the time I said I would be back to grab my things to stage a suicide attempt. I say staged, because she very strategically timed this. I came home to grab some of my things and found her passed out with a suicide note on her phone. I called 911 and the police searched her room to try and figure out what pills she might have taken. I even went outside to help them look in the grassy area around her window.

Turns out, she left the fucking pill bottles ON MY BED in MY ROOM. She clearly intended me to be the one to discover this scene. Later at the hospital, I found out that there were a lot of pills left in the container, meaning that she didn’t even take that many. This entire situation was very obviously a charade to guilt me out of my decision to move away for my own sanity.

I have been emotionally abused and gaslighted by her my entire life and I needed to remove myself. Rather than simply accept that I am an independent adult that needs to move away for my own development and well-being, she always pulls absurd shit any time I try to distance myself.

Last time I tried to leave, she pulled a knife on me. 

Why? According to her, because I had the only key to the outer door for the apartment complex, she couldn’t go out to smoke if I was gone.

If you’re interested, I explain more details about my background and childhood in the rest of this post. If not, now you know why updates have been somewhat inconsistent as of late.

Throughout my entire childhood, my mother threatened me with abandonment and was physically abusive.

She would say and do awful things any time she felt “insecure” or “worried.” Of course, these feelings could be triggered by anything from me losing my jacket at school or simply saying something that hurt her feelings. In addition to threatening to send me to a foster home, she would also insult me and say absolutely awful things like, “you’re useless just like your father,” or “I wish I never had you.” She tried to justify this sort of behavior by claiming that she was just worried I would develop the same bad habits as my father and she wanted to “set me right.” My parents were divorced when I was four years old, and  my mother has always talked shit about my father and then used that as a justification for why she was so malicious toward my innocent childhood flaws.

My mother was always financially very clever, and she would always use financial support as a means to control me. I was always well-provided for financially, and I used to think that meant everything was okay and that she was a good mother. I didn’t realize that every she has ever done for me was a trap to ensure I could not later leave. She would offer support so she could later use it as leverage to control or manipulate me. I cannot count the number of times she has threatened to throw me out after asking me to live at home.

When my mother became upset, she would wildly flail and strike me as a child. I remember one occasion where she attempted to strangle me and had to be pulled off by my grandmother. On another occasion, to prove to other parents that she “knew how to discipline her child,” she struck me with a ring on and gave me a bloody nose. (We happened to be in the company of other people who regularly struck their children, so I suppose this is why no one called the cops). As I got older, I actually became less afraid of being hit, and more afraid that she would accidentally hurt herself during her erratic, uncontrolled thrashing. Eventually, I think she stopped physically assaulting me because I made it very clear I would knock her teeth out if she tried. I am quite strong generally, and one time I simply held her down while she screamed and was trying to reach the scissors so she could vandalize my property.

She gaslighted me and pushed me away from my passions.

I neglected my art for years because I felt like I had to pursue a certain career or lifestyle in order to be accepted. I suffered from severe depression and suicidal tendencies for most of my life because I constantly felt like I was not good enough. She had subtle ways of manipulating me away from truly pursuing what I wanted, even if she did not outright forbid me from drawing. It was a complicated and ongoing manipulation that left me feeling like my self worth was entirely derived from my social status and financial success. Any time I would try and address this, she would deny ever mistreating me or doing anything to make me feel unworthy.

I honestly did not realize something was wrong for the majority of my life. My mother gaslit me and convinced me that she was a perfect parent for most of my life. There are hazy gaps in my memory where I can’t remember exactly what was said or done. I just remember a few vivid instances of abuse occurring.

Typically, I am incredibly good at spotting borderlines and culling them from my social circle. I’ve an acute sense of spotting bullshit and warning my friends about it. However, I guess it’s a lot more difficult when it’s a situation I was raised in.

She eternally self-victimizes and refuses to behave like an independent adult.

My mother, in spite of being a capable and competent person, feels entitled to being pandered to. My whole life, I felt like I had to constantly tip-toe around my mother and try and meet her endless need for emotional validation. She expects to constantly do things for her in order to “prove that I care,” even things that she is perfectly capable of doing herself. Any time a conflict occurs, she is incapable of showing any accountability for her own actions and inevitably always blames others for hurting her or not being kind to her. Just recently, she started berating me for not caring about her because I offered to set up an Uber account for her so I she wouldn’t be reliant on me calling one for her every time she needed one. She basically felt like I should be happy to call Uber for her, even though it would be more convenient for her to have her own account. Her entire reasoning for refusing to get an account was an irrational fear of credit card fraud, based on some unrelated incident that happened to a friend of hers. Therefore, according to her reasoning, others should simply pander to her illogical behaviors that are based on totally unfounded insecurities.

[lubbuthedigitalnomad]

Happy Birthday To A Living Saint

A very happy birthday on July 6th to one of the most wonderful people on Earth! Few people would argue that point, regardless of their religion. A lot of non-Catholics agree that Mother Teresa was one of the greater human assets this planet has ever enjoyed. A lot of non-Buddhists say the same thing about the Dalai Lama.

Many people call the Dalai Lama “His Holiness.” I don’t. The reason I don’t is because the man himself is constantly saying that each of us is as inherently holy as any of us. He says we are all part of the bigger Whole to a much greater extent than we are the fragments of humanity we seem to be. It isn’t easy to keep this man off a pedestal but out of respect for his insistence that he is “a simple Buddhist monk,” I try.

A few short birthday tributes follow. The first is a true story about sitting on the beach with the elder of a very rural village in Thailand. I was thinking of the Dalai Lama while sitting with The Elder, and also while writing about it. The quote at the end leaves no doubt that the page is a tribute to both men. This one will be in the new book’s Tribute To Teachers section.

The second little bit is a few words lifted from a longer true story about a week-long teaching by the Dalai Lama that I attended in California decades ago. If you want to read more about that, it is in the book Fearless Puppy on American Road. In it, you’ll see the two sentences below. They warrant another mention here.

The Dalai Lama and other teachers on a similar wavelength are an essential part of my survival and happiness. How seriously the world at large takes this man’s ideas may prove just as important to its survival and happiness.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for clicking the backlinks.

Be well. Love, Tenzin

p.s. If you find the reading at all enjoyable, please — it literally takes only seconds — click one or more or all of the highlighted backlinks following this paragraph. This simple process is completely without risk, cost, or difficulty. All it does is bring you to the site that is highlighted. Each click is a big help in pushing Fearless Puppy up in the Google rankings. Whether you browse the sites or close the windows immediately, your help has been delivered when you click. Thank you!

FEARLESS PUPPY WEBSITE BLOG

FEARLESS PUPPY ON AMERICAN ROAD/AMAZON PAGE

REINCARNATION THROUGH COMMON SENSE/AMAZON PAGE

FEARLESS WEBSITE

Waves (and a Quote) / The Village Elder

I am sitting on a beach in rural Southeast Asia. Next to me is the old man considered wisest by the hundred or so residents of this little village. When he speaks, every ear in town listens. The Elder is a wonderful person, a Class A human being. He has become as much of a friend to me as possible. I can’t speak his language. He can’t speak mine — but he very patiently and gently works around the language barrier.

We watch the waves rise up from and then return to the ocean.

The Elder has lived his whole life in this tropical paradise. He has a bond with Nature itself. Like Nature itself, he is stable in the knowledge that nothing is stable. He knows that there is no consistent norm. The Elder knows that life is composed of a wide variety of changes and experiences that are as fleeting as Nature’s weather. Some of these changes and experiences are more fun than others.

The Elder knows that different people will react with wildly differing degrees of intensity to these changes and experiences. For most folks, these varying degrees of intensity bounce around inconsistently on either side of a near-mythical center point of complete emotional stability. Many will never get to that point of perfect emotional balance even once during their entire lives.

Our Village Elder is at home there.

The Elder has observed the coming and going of so many highs, lows, traumas, joys, elations, confusions, and heartbreaks that he is able to predict the emotional weather in most humans. He has earned enough respect to influence some of it.

I wonder how many waves he has seen.

We sit in near-silence, occasionally passing the few words back and forth that we know in each other’s language. Hand motions fill the conversational gaps.

Occasionally one of us laughs at nothing. Then the other laughs at the first one, so we both end up laughing at nothing. Nothing itself seems to like it best when we both laugh.

The Elder turns toward me and speaks in his own language. A hand motion and a selfless desire to communicate accompany his voice. It is not necessary to literally understand every word. The Elder’s empathy and compassion enable him to convey love and wisdom without language. He transmits a comfort that can smooth rough edges off of jagged situations. He does so with a universal ability that even animals and babies understand.

He owns a smile that has stopped more damage than The United Nations.

“Be aware of everything but worry about nothing. Waves come in, waves go out, life goes on. Do whatever is possible to help. If it doesn’t help, don’t do it. Enjoy your time here. Learn what you need to know.”

As he speaks, everything instantly feels better. Things will change. That is what things do. Change can be at least partially and perhaps totally under our own control.

Anyone sitting with The Elder would feel an electricity radiating from him, as I did. You can feel the intense power of this man’s serenity in a simple waving motion of his hand and see it in the sparkle of his eyes. There is a very obvious and incredible depth to the wisdom that this old man has developed during his extraordinary life. I feel very fortunate to be on this Earth at the same time and in the same place as this amazing person.

“The waves come in, the waves go out. Underneath, ocean… calm.”

The Dalai Lama

and from the The City of Angels Lives Up To Its Name chapter in the book Fearless Puppy On American Road

The Dalai Lama was officially enthroned as the spiritual and political leader of the Tibetan nation while still in his mid-teens. His countrymen and others consider him to be a reincarnation of the Deity of Compassion. There is evidence to support this notion.

He escaped likely murder by the occupying Chinese army in 1959 when he was twenty-four years old. The Chinese military killed nearly a million Tibetans and destroyed about six thousand holy sites, temples, and monastic universities.

Ever since then he has operated out of his nation-in-exile’s base station in northern India along with thousands of his countrymen, working tirelessly on behalf of his people still in Tibet as well as those with him in India and scattered throughout the world.

The Tibetan nation-in-exile now has offices in nearly every major country on the planet. The Dalai Lama has re-established, in various locations throughout the world, every major monastic university destroyed by the Chinese military. He has seen to the training of thousands of monks and nuns while simultaneously establishing agricultural, artistic, educational, and other programs that preserve the Tibetan population and culture in exile. The Dalai Lama is responsible for the education of thousands of children who have escaped or been born in exile from their homeland. He has established an additional Tibetan Children’s Village to educate the thousands of children still being smuggled out of Tibet.

The Dalai Lama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1989 for his continuing focus on nonviolent means of improving the horrific circumstance of his people, and for a Gandhian quality of resistance to the abuses of the Chinese invasion.

Do you know of any other twenty-four year old kids who barely escaped savage aggressors and went on to successfully set up a national democratic government/ educational system/agricultural economy, preserve an entire culture, and win the Nobel Peace Prize — all without having a homeland or the support of any singular government in the world or the United Nations?

Neither do I.

It is senseless for me to attempt a description of this person or the presentation of his teachings. It’s just not possible. I will try to do it anyway in the next chapter. But first, here is a very short collection of quotes from his opening address at UCLA and the printed material made available that day.

The Dalai Lama and others that feel and speak on a similar wavelength are an essential part of my survival and happiness.

How seriously the world at large takes this man’s ideas may prove to be just as important to its survival and happiness.

QUOTES

The purpose of our life is happiness and joy. Basic human nature is gentleness. Genuine peace is not a mere absence of war.

Peace out of fear still leaves us unhappy.

Compassion is not just pity. It includes awareness and a feeling of responsibility. Realize that the other person is just like us — that they want and deserve to not suffer, and to have happiness the same as us.

Compassion develops inner strength, this develops self-confidence, this washes out fear. Negative attitude toward others, pessimism, and hatred…come from fear. With compassion a person becomes more positive and constructive. Without this inner quality a person becomes more negative and destructive.

A person without this good human quality becomes unreliable. They can say one thing and mean another. In politics they can become dirty politicians and cause great suffering. Good hearts create mental calmness — very important for good health.

Human beings don’t knowingly pursue suffering. Ignorance, impatience, and short-sightedness lead to it. Every human has a good heart at birth. We all start with it. That’s why the news is negative. We pay more attention to negative events because of the surprise and shock of it. It is contrary to human nature.

The antidote to hatred in the heart…is tolerance. Tolerance is an important virtue…it enables you to refrain from reacting angrily to the harm inflicted on you by others. You could call this practice “inner disarmament”…It makes you free from the compulsion to counterattack and protects you from being conquered by hatred itself.

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others.

But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness, but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others’ happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, and mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace — anxiety, frustration, disappointment — are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves, the experience of our own suffering is less intense.

Western education tends to develop the brain while it neglects the heart, so you have a longing for teachings that develop and strengthen the good heart. Christianity also has wonderful teachings for this, but you don’t know them well enough, so you take interest in Buddhism! (Laughs) Perhaps our teachings seem less religious and more technical, like psychology, so they are easier for secular people to use.

When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways — either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.

About the Author

Doug Ten Rose has hitchhiked around America for 40 years, encountering Tibetan Lamas, Native American wise people, Senators, Governors, Junkies, Winos, Hookers, Rock stars, An all-lesbian rock band playing a concert for the deaf, The modern-day Robin Hood And a whole lot more…

These and many other amazing characters are described in Fearless Puppy on American Road.

“Ten” was also rescued and adopted by a temple full of Monks and Nuns in Southeast Asia. He stayed there for a half-year, although not studying Buddhism (certainly not in any conventional sense!).

Read more about that in his second offering: Reincarnation Through Common Sense.

Many thanks to our wonderful friends at Pema Boutique Hotel for their help and support.

The books Fearless Puppy On American Road and Reincarnation Through Common Sense by this same author are also available through Amazon or the Fearless Puppy website, where there are sample chapters from those books. Entertaining TV/radio interviews with and newspaper articles about the author are also available there. There is no charge for anything but the complete books! All author profits from book sales will be donated to help sponsor an increase in the number of wisdom professionals on Earth, beginning with but certainly not limited to Buddhist monks and nuns.

If you missed the Introduction to the new book that will be titled Temple Dog Soldier, or would like to see several chapters of it that are available for free online, go to the Puppy website Blog section. This is a book in progress. You will be reading it as it is being created! Just like you, I don’t know what the next chapter is going to be about until it is written. As the Intro will tell you, this is a totally true story — and probably the only book ever written by and about a corpse journeying completely around the world!