#fat and unattractive and not worth the time

[its--ali]

how is it possible to crave something I've never had this badly

[blackenedsnow]

Do you think you can write anything where Chucky/Charles cheers the reader up? Especially if it was related to her(reader) feeling fat and unattractive, you know. Just some fluff

killer confidence

WARNING: Mention of insecurities related to body image

PAIRING: Chucky & (Fem) Reader

NOTE: I'm so glad I'm finally getting requests ughh!! Thank you for your ask. I hope this is alright!

SUMMARY: Feeling insecure about your appearance, especially your weight, you try to hide those feelings, but Chucky, always observant in his twisted way, notices something's off.

You stared at your reflection in the mirror, frowning as your eyes scanned over every flaw you thought you could see. The shirt you were wearing felt tight today, tighter than usual, clinging to your body in ways you didn’t like. Your pants felt snug, and no matter how many times you tugged at the fabric, trying to loosen it, nothing helped. You sighed, pulling at your shirt again, wishing you could just disappear.

“What the hell’s your problem?”

You startled, turning around to see Chucky sitting on the edge of the dresser, arms crossed and a bemused smirk on his face.

“Nothing,” you muttered, turning back to the mirror and running your hands over your midsection again, hoping that maybe this time it would look different. “Just… don’t feel great today.”

Chucky raised an eyebrow, his smirk faltering just a bit. “Oh yeah? What’s eating at you now?”

You hesitated, not really wanting to talk about it. How could you explain the constant insecurity, the way your mind twisted every reflection into something worse, something uglier? You already felt ridiculous for letting it get to you so much.

“It’s stupid,” you finally said, waving your hand dismissively. “I just feel… fat. Ugly. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

Chucky snorted, but there was a glint of something in his eyes—something that wasn’t just mockery. “That’s what you’re worried about? Jesus, you women and your body image shit. It’s always the same thing.”

You glared at him, expecting some snide comment or cruel joke. That was his usual way of handling things, after all—harsh humor, crude remarks. It was just who he was.

But instead, he surprised you.

“You know, you’re the only one who sees yourself like that,” Chucky said, hopping down from the dresser and sauntering over to you. “I don’t know where you’re gettin’ this idea that you’re ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ or whatever the hell’s goin’ on in that head of yours, but it’s complete bullshit.”

You blinked, turning to face him fully now, caught off guard by the sudden shift in his tone. “You… think so?”

He rolled his eyes. “Of course I think so. You think I’d hang around here if you weren’t worth looking at? C’mon, give me a little credit. I’ve got standards.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. Leave it to Chucky to make a compliment sound like an insult.

He smirked, clearly pleased with himself for getting a reaction out of you. “See? That’s better. You’re too busy worrying about what you think you look like to realize you’ve got nothing to be whining about.”

“But I don’t feel—” you started, but Chucky cut you off with a sharp wave of his hand.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. You don’t feel like you look good. You’re stuck in that shitty little brain of yours, obsessing over crap that doesn’t matter. But let me tell you somethin’, sweetheart—none of that changes the fact that you're not fuckin' ugly, no matter what you think.”

Your face flushed at his blunt words. “Chucky, you really—”

“—need to stop bein’ so goddamn nice? Yeah, I know.” He shrugged, pacing in front of you with his usual swagger. “But let me make this clear. I’ve seen a lotta people in my time—real sickos, gorgeous dames, ugly bastards, you name it—and you? You’re a damn knockout compared to most of ‘em.”

You felt your heart lift slightly at his words, despite how gruff they were. “You really think that?”

Chucky rolled his eyes again but nodded, a grin creeping back onto his face. “Hell yeah, I do. You think I’d bother stickin’ around if you weren’t worth it? I may be a killer, but I’m not blind.”

You laughed softly again, the weight of your earlier insecurity starting to fade under his strangely endearing pep talk.

“And another thing,” he said, pointing at you with that little plastic hand. “If anyone tries to tell you otherwise? I’ll gut ‘em, no questions asked. They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “I’m sure you would.”

“Damn right.”

You shook your head, still smiling. “Thanks, Chucky. I mean it. I guess I’ve just been in my head a lot lately.”

"Yeah, yeah, don’t get all mushy on me now," he grumbled, though there was a hint of a grin on his face. "But seriously, stop tearing yourself down. You’ve got better things to focus on—like helping me figure out how to take out the neighbors. That guy across the street’s been pissing me off for weeks."

You snorted. "Yeah, I’ll get right on that."

Chucky nodded, satisfied. "Good. And hey, if you ever start feeling like this again, just remember: I don’t hang around fuckin' losers. You’re stuck with me, so that should tell you something."

It was probably the closest thing to a compliment Chucky could manage, but it meant more than you’d expected. The tension that had been weighing on you for most of the day started to ease, and for the first time in hours, you didn’t feel quite so bad about yourself.

Maybe it was just the absurdity of getting a pep talk from a killer doll, but you actually felt a little better. And for now, that was enough.

[communistkenobi]

I'm not gonna lie Nick, I've been following you for a long time and I almost always agree with what you say so this isn't in any way meant to be polemic or hostile and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. But, as a trans person myself, I don't understand how genital preference can be transphobic? I mean, the way people declare it can be transphobic, or the reason for it - but preference itself? isn't it, for most people at least, an intrinsic thing? Again I'm not asking this to bait you into discourse or anything I just. Genuinely trust your judgment on things. that's all, love <3

If you don’t want to sleep with someone because they’re, for example, fat, or disabled, or intersex, or have some other physical characteristic that would alter a sexual encounter in a way you wouldn’t expect with a “default” or “normal” body - is that not on some level bigoted? If you tried to sleep with a cis guy but found out he had a micro penis and decided against sleeping with him, or you tried to hook up with a cis woman with large labia and got turned off, is that “just an intrinsic preference”?

Yes people have preferences and preferences do not carry inherent moral judgement. But it’s worth asking: where do my preferences come from? if you meet a trans person, and you are attracted to them, and the only reason you don’t want to sleep with them is because you don’t want to interact with their genitals, because you believe a trans person’s genitals are universally unattractive, then like, why lol? “Transphobic” is a flat descriptor for bigoted beliefs or assumptions about trans people, and in the pantheon of transphobic things to believe or say or do, that’s not like super high on the list. I don’t think you’re an irredeemably bad person or whatever. You are also not doing activism by having sex with people you’re not attracted to or don’t want to have sex with, I’m not suggesting anyone do that because that would be bad for everyone involved. But attraction is socially mediated and explored - fetishes, kinks, turn-ons and turn offs can have embedded social values in them, some of them good and some of them not - and if your only hang-up with fucking a trans person is because they have “incorrect” or “incongruous” genitals to what you normally expect, then I think that’s a shitty hang-up to have. Is it “intrinsic” to find a trans person’s body a turn off? Are we intrinsically programmed as human beings to find transgender people’s genitals unsexy? I think any appeals to intrinsic nature quickly get into essentialistic territory, because whatever is intrinsic or “human nature” is necessarily outside of the social, incapable of change, and I don’t think it does any good to insist that the domain of sexual preferences exists outside of the social and political realms.

Yes sex will be different with a trans person who hasn’t had full bottom surgery than it would be with a cis person, and yes you will need to have conversations about what feels good or look shit up online (which you would do with a cis partner anyway!), but unless you’re solely interested in like, missionary reproductive PIV cishet sex catholic style for the rest of your life, I think it’s worth interrogating why trans genitals are a hard no for someone, especially when “genital preference” is such a handy shorthand for cis people to articulate their deep seated rage, disgust, and fear of trans people in a “polite” or inoffensive way - and, often, in a violent way, and that violence is rationalised on the basis of the “common sense” belief that trans people trick cis people into having sex with us despite our “bad” genitals.

I don’t want to have sex with anybody who thinks my body is disgusting and I’m assuming most people don’t want that either lol. But a lot of cis people find my body disgusting because it’s a trans body, and a huge part of that disgust is because I don’t have a dick - worse, I have a “mutilated” “grotesque” version of “female anatomy” because of T. None of those evaluations of a tran’s guys genitals are intrinsic, nor do they exist outside of social values about what “normal” or “beautiful” bodies look like.

And again to use the fat example, it took a lot of personal work for me to properly admire fat people because of how ingrained fatphobia is, and part of that fatphobia was directed towards myself - it took years for me to find myself even remotely attractive, especially as I progressively gained weight into adulthood. And that is not for “activist” reasons, it’s not activism to find fat people hot - but I am consciously working through some of the shit society tells you is gross or bad about human bodies and it’s made my life better lol, and as a consequence I can fully allow myself to admire other fat people. I think any state of mind that allows you to find beauty in more places, find pleasure in a wider range of human forms, is generally a good thing. I once dated a guy who hated his nipples being touched because he thought it was gay to enjoy that, and like, sex with him sucked lmfao. he was incredibly homophobic and that homophobia directly impacted the amount of pleasure he was willing to engage with, both with himself and with a partner.

So yes I do think it’s transphobic. It’s not end-of-the-world transphobia, you’re not a permanently shit human being, but anyone who refuses to have sex with trans people on the basis of us having the “wrong” genitals is not worth pursuing because we deserve to sleep with people who find us hot and don’t need to “rationalise” away touching our genitals. I don’t want to have sex with those people and no trans person should either. But I’m not giving cis people an out with “oh it’s just a preference” because I think that’s a very lazy and unserious way of engaging with your own desires

[m1ss-n0mer]

VENT

My mother is so annoying about gender/sexuality. She says she’s supportive and she’s probably trying to be but she’s just not good at it.

I go by he or it. My mother knows this. Usually she refers to me using she/her but she remembers she shouldn’t if we happen to be talking about gender. In those cases she uses they/them even though I have repeatedly told her those aren’t my fucking pronouns.

Also once I made a joke about maybe getting top surgery when I’m older and she was so horrified all she talked about for the next few months was how bad an idea transition, and she still does sometimes even though it’s died down. Her reasons being:

Testosterone causes people to be more reckless and aggressive. After you take it you dream less, you get fat, you grow more body hair, you become less desirable, and you can’t get pregnant if you want to.

You pay so much money for it, and it’s all just plastic surgery companies saying that everything will be better if you do it

She says those who are happy with the results are only happy because of the sunken cost fallacy

She ‘has a friend’ who works with trans ppl and says that all trans men only want it to pass and they usually aren’t happy with the results

She ‘has a friend’ who works for cps and has met trans kids who ‘just seem to think everything will get better when they transition’

Women who lost their breasts because of cancer really miss them and it’s a tragedy

I should keep looking like a conventionally attractive girl so that I can get better jobs

She joined a fb page of trans men and described them all as ‘fat, ugly, hairy, boring looking, etc’ and said how they looked prettier before they transitioned. I looked at some of the pictures. They looked fine and even if they didn’t, they looked visibly happier

‘Your brain isn’t fully mature until 25 so you should wait until that age to know for sure’

Trans people should learn to be comfortable in their bodies

I’d have to shave more so it wouldn’t be worth it (I also wouldn’t bleed so hard every month that I faint and throw up if it’s too hot but ok)

Top surgery scars are ugly and my future partners will hate me for getting rid of my perfect, gorgeous breasts

Also I casually mentioned I might be on the aro and/or ace spectrum at one point, and she just went on about how relationships ‘don’t necessarily form because of love, but because of circumstance’ and how ‘you won’t be able to find a partner who doesn’t want sex.’

Also I mentioned that one of my friends is asexual and she just straight up said it ‘must be because of trauma.’

Also she seems think the only reason I know my identity so well is because I was ‘given too much time to think about it’

Also ALSO whenever I ask for masc things like buying a binder or wearing a suit to an event rather than a dress, she’s not that receptive. (In the former case I had to remind her several times and in the latter she wanted me to at least wear SOMETHING feminine because I’m genderfluid not a full trans boy, so I ended up wearing sth more femme than I would have liked. Then she suggested we make a more feminine version just in case I feel like a girl that day. THAT IS THE FEMININE VERSION.

And I’d not even mention the bit about having to remind her to buy me a binder but when I expressed a SLIGHT interest in make up, the bought me a massive box to experiment with several days later. Like, she’s clearly desperate to have someone feminine because she finds masculinity unattractive.

[pickledclowns]

Alright so for pride and the sake of visibility I thought I'd share my chest. I had top surgery February 14th 2023 and my surgical recovery was finally done September(ish) 2023. A lot of stuff online has a lot of trans masculine people, or any trans person who goes through any surgery, represented with very neat very subtle top surgery scars and I wanted to share my "not ideal" results. So, how did this happen and why? My mom died of breast cancer so I wasn't able to keep any breast tissue to resulting in what is called a large crater deformity that caused my chest to be literally concave. If you have a potential risk of genetic breast cancer this will likely also be suggested to you. I promise no amount of vanity is worth breast cancer. Within the first 48 hours of my recovery I ended up having a hematoma (blood pooling under the skin) due to not being informed I had to stuff my compression vest with towels to increase compression outside of just the vest, because my chest was literally concave. Blood filled the cavity and caused pressure to build behind my skin turning a 6 week recovery into a 6 month recovery with VHS sized hole in my chest. This happened because a small square of skin had died and couldn't be saved. Ultimately one of my nipples was in that square of dead skin and had to be removed. I also have large dog tags and hormonal acne scars. All of these things are considered not ideal and unattractive.

So do I like my body? Ultimately I feel like there is so much pressure to conform to a certain aesthetic so that cis people will find us valid so that cis people could find us attractive (more like everyone has to find us attractive). That isn't even touching on being a fat trans dude. I was confined to a binder for my 8 hour work shift and I was unable to do anything else for the rest of the day so long as I wanted to pass (which i do and did at the time). Regardless of how it looks I can go wherever I want and do whatever I want without fear of injury and that is HUGE and has made a HUGE impact on my life and my ability to enjoy myself. I can't say this is the ideal form of my body but I don't think I dislike myself. My results aren't perfect but in the reality of my life I wouldn't go back and change things. I don't consider my surgery botched, I don't consider my surgeon bad she did everything she could for free post surgery to help me recover from this including giving me medical supplies for my recovery. Why share this? Can you change how you look? I haven't shared these in the past because I feel like not being the most attractive trans person, or your surgery going into places you weren't expecting gives a lot of trans people anxiety like we are giving cis people and TERFS ammunition to be cruel to us. Part of the reason I tagged my photos with my URL is because I didn't want someone to steal my photos and start larping as a detrans regret story. But I don't think my body is inherently unattractive because I had surgical complications I just think we've been conditioned to see results like mine as unattractive. You will find similar sentiments amongst any group with body differences. Regardless of all of these potential problems the lack of representation for people like me who have had surgery and you don't come out looking like a skinny/hunky cis passing dude that all the girls swoon over is evident. Other people like me exist and I need everyone cis and trans alike to acknowledge the existence of "non ideal" surgical outcomes. From my research ultimately 5-10%~ of people who undergo any surgical breast augmentation will deal with necrosis (dead skin). [1][2] Ultimately necrosis and any other type of complication is something that needs to be weighed before you have surgery. For me I couldn't enjoy my life with giant sacks of fat on my chest and I couldn't do anything outside of work. For me the surgery was worth it and I'd do it all over again even if it meant having worse aesthetic outcomes than I do now. I also maintain control over my body. Once my nerves stop freaking me out and finish regrowing I plan on getting tattoos to help enhance the way I feel about my chest. Further this isn't what I looked like in September of 2023. I've been hitting the gym to put it lightly and my chest has filled out and will continue to fill out over time. Won't get rid of my scar but I'm looking forward to sharing more photos once I get what I want from my efforts. So yeah there it all is. I didn't have to share this but I wanted to. I wanted other people to feel not as alone as I did in recovery. It was worth it and I am happy in my body. Go forth and be free. Happy pride everyone!

[renee-writer]

Love Comes First Chapter 32

AO3

He watches her with dilated eyes. She, focused on Hanna and Isaiah, doesn’t see him. Nursing twins isn’t easy, especially as they grow. It would be easier to nurse them one at a time but having them on the same schedule is easier in a different way.

So one in the classic football hold with the other across her lap. She is determined to exclusively breastfeed until at least seven months before adding solid food.

He moves, knocking into the dresser and bringing her eyes up. She smiles at him.

“You are always so beautiful when you are nurturing our children.” His voice is rough with emotion.

She flushes knowing her hair is a mess. She can’t remember the last time she really brushed it. Her clothes are worn for comfort and not fashion. She has never felt more unattractive.

“Thank you Jamie. That is nice to say.”

He rolls his eyes. “You cannae see it. How incredibly beautiful you are. I know you always feel like a dairy coo when nursing. But I see a glorious mama doing the absolute best for our children.”

She looks down and grins. Hanna lays milk drink against her. Isaiah still lazily nurses. They are fat with rosy cheeks. At five months, they have never had even a cold.

“Thank you. Truly. Yes, it is hard but so worth it. I know I will miss this time after it is over. Like every time. Especially knowing this is the last time.”

“Aye. We need to soak up every second of this time. Their babyhood will go by so fast.”

They both sigh knowing that is the truth.

“James is in university and married. He was just their age a second ago.” She says. He nods as he takes Hanna Rebecca to wind her while Claire does the same with Isaiah David.

“Fergus and Marsali’s bairns will be like our grandchild. The next generation, something to look forward to, aye?”

“Quite.”

[frickfatphobes]

Was discussing compliments last night with my spouse and it made me curious about others opinions on compliments.

How do you feel about compliments? Do you enjoy them and trust them? Do you have to be in the right headspace?

Compliments are a sticky subject for me. Growing up most compliments were either a prelude to wanting something from me or a backhanded compliment that usually related to weight. One of the only genuine ones I can remember is when my maternal grandmother told me "Yellow is your colour." So I am always suspicious and dismissive of compliments even from my spouse, which is not exactly great.

*Asks are sent for fun, no pressure to answer.

Oh, this is a great question! Compliments are so weird for me. I don't get them very much, and almost every time it happens it's one feature about me that has nothing to do with my weight.

It took me years to go from dismissing compliments to accepting them respectfully. Strangely, I am actually less likely to respond well to a compliment coming from someone I trust. If a stranger says my hair looks nice, I say 'thank you' and that's about it. If someone I know very well is saying something like 'your personality is nice,' I tend to get suspicious that I'm being lied to somehow.

I've mentioned before on the blog how one of my parental figures was very manipulative to me. She often gave me compliments when I looked thinner in a certain outfit, or wore something that covered my stomach well. My other guardian would say things like 'you look nice' when I was dressed up for a special occasion but never ever called me beautiful. I doubt there was any malicious intent behind that, but it sometimes still hurts thinking that the people who raised me probably think I'm unattractive.

I'm getting better at taking compliments from my best friend and spouse. Just today he noticed something about me that I've always been self conscious about, and he expressed how cute he thought it was. I'm still in awe how much he adores my fat body -- not in spite of my fatness, but not because of my fatness.

Yes, compliments have been a touchy subject for me my whole life. But I'm starting to heal and I'm building trust again. I guess I'm finally starting to learn that my body is worth being complimented! =)

[roosterr]

sobbing over ex-fat kid ghost. so many people just managed to convince him he was unlovable, unattractive, could never surmount to anything and the first time someone expresses anything other than an emotion akin to disgust he has to like swallow tears. he was a bit of a cocky shit when he was younger because of the drastic change, people finally not caring how much he ate, but he calmed down over time. he’s not really cocky anymore, but he knows his place and worth and omg i might break into tears i love this headcanon so much

THIS, EXACTLY THIS. you fucking said it anon, this hc has absolutely destroyed me I love it so much

[the-old-man-has-the-phonebox]

Random shit

My mom keeps pushing me to get a cat. She is the main reason I cannot have a cat because she would never allow one in her house. At this point it just upsets me because I’m so fucking lonely and a pet would really help but it’s not like anyone takes what I need into consideration in this fucking house.

I have no money. Like I want to do so many things— I want to cosplay (or at least have one of the preexisting ones ready for Animarathon). I want to buy shit that makes me happy (in healthy amounts, ofc). But then I’d like to be able to afford, like, Dairy Queen or something? (Long story short I can’t trust the meat on campus so I’ve been craving protein like a motherfucker). I need to apply to jobs but I stall as soon as I get to the resume section because there’s absolutely nothing I’m fucking good at. I have no skills. Even if I get this degree I’m virtually unhirable.

I’m still so hurt by my mom. She texts me like everything is okay, but I know it’s not. I wish I had money to get a place. I don’t feel welcome in my own home anymore. If she’s never going to change, then she can rot. She doesn’t deserve me. She never did.

Speaking of finding a place: almost everywhere in town has no openings. They should because despite the semester just starting, signings for next year are in about a month or so. I found somewhere that may work, but I’d likely need some form of transportation. That leaves me with multiple options: 1.) bite the bullet and force myself to learn how to drive despite how harmful that level of constant anxiety will be on my mental health; 2.) get a gay little trike bike because I can’t ride a bike (long story short I have very vivid childhood trauma tied to trying to learn how and I also can’t balance for shit in general); 3.) grow some balls and just start walking more so I can gain endurance for walking a mile or two to campus in any weather (despite what I have reason to believe is a musculoskeletal condition I may have)

I’m just so fucking lonely, man. No one will ever like me, be it a friend or something more. I’m barely palatable online, and just borderline tolerable irl. I’m such a fucking waste of space. I do nothing of worth for anyone— my own parents see me as a waste of time and energy. It’s never be loved, let alone liked. I’m such a fucking weird ass loser that I’m seen as an outsider to people that are generally weird as well. Even if I wasn’t weird, I’m fat and unattractive (like, in the objective sense. Not in a “oh I’m a size 12 I’m so fat uwu” way). I’m actively ostracized for how I look. My existence is nothing but loneliness and suffering. I will die alone, be it a case of an elderly person not being found for a while because they had no one or a young adult found dead of their own doing. No matter how this ends, it will always end like this. There is no realistic situation where things turn out okay. The only reason I’m still fucking here is because I always pussy out because I’m afraid of not doing whatever method to the extent of guaranteed fatality and just end up suffering more (ex: I jump and miraculously survive, but now I’m alive and even more disabled than before).

I don’t even have the motivation to make art anymore, man. There’s literally nothing here left for me.

[theozoneoverdose]

I've seen something similar happen when racist white people online say that black women are unattractive. When they post pictures of black women they deem ugly, it's always women who are either fat, disabled, poor, dark skinned with type 4 hair, gender non-conforming and/or non-passing. Unfortunately, I've seen people respond to posts like this with pictures of white women they consider ugly, which are also women who are fat, disabled, poor, or non-passing.

While we do live in a white supremacist society with eurocentric beauty standards, calling white women ugly to push back against misogynoir is not helpful. It perpetuates the idea that it's acceptable to disrespect and abuse people who we consider "ugly", and what is considered ugly doesn't exist in a vacuum. It is often informed by ableism, transphobia, racism, and classism. There are even historical "ugly laws" banning poor and disabled people from being seen in public. The oppressive grind of an unjust capitalist world also disproportionately "uglifies" the people who are most oppressed by it - think of the popular internet adage: "You're not ugly, you're just poor." If you're a working class black trans woman that's living hand to mouth and your boss has just fired you for being trans, you probably won't have a lot of time or money to beautify yourself because you'll have more pressing issues at hand, like figuring out how you're going to feed yourself until you find another job. Furthermore, it reinforces misogynistic idea that a woman's worth is defined by how attractive they are.

When people suggest that a certain marginalised group's oppression is justified by how ugly they are, instead of calling the oppressors ugly in return, we should instead reject the premise entirely.

Literally sick to death of twitter throwing a fit every single day about art depicting visibly trans people, GNC trans people, etc, and calling it a hateful caricature. ESPECIALLY when often it turns out to be explicitly based on someone the artist is friends with, and people still say the most horrible things about their appearance.

[mfscout]

uh ohhhhhh angel's gonna get all venty w ittttttttt

im starting to think thta maybe living just isnt worth it anymore. im in pain all the time physically and nobody fucking believes me, or they say it's my fault because i don't "do enough". i know i'm fat but i was still chronically ill when i wasn't, i was still in pain when i was exercising and stretching constantly. and i really hate being fat, too. not that there's anything wrong with it, i just hate looking this way and the way people treat me for it. i hate being unattractive to most people and being constantly told that i'm not. told that im worthless and unlovable and fucking dishusting and i really should just stop eating again because maybe, MAYBE i'd have a chance that way. none of my friends talk to me much anymore, my family doesnt even make an effort. i always have to reach out first, i alsways have to make plans first, i have to do everything or it doesnt get done. thats even true with house chores now, my mom and dad don't do anything around the house anymore so i have to do it. i make all my own appointments, i get myself to all of them typically, i clean the house, i get things done because if i dont then who else will?????? and they wonder why im constantly burnt out and tired and in pain, that's why!!!!!!1 things have gotten so bad that i can't even sleep in my bed anymore, that i'm considering just running away and becoming a prostitute or something to get away. not like i'd even have a chance with that since im fat and ugly and nobody fucking wants me. not even my parents.

[always-andromeda]

notes on femininity - 5/14/24

I wonder if I will ever be able to look at myself and not feel myself start to spin out. Because that seems to be what happens every time I do. For as long as I can remember, my relationship with girlhood has always been contemptuous. 

As far back as childhood, I felt it. All my friends wore bright colors smattered with sparkles from Justice while I dressed in my mother’s hand-me-down business casual wear. They were the only thing that fit me. Because little girls my size just weren’t worth selling to, I guess. All the other little girls got to be these pretty princesses covered in ruffles and jewels and I was just…there.

I was the one the other girls were always pointedly embarrassed of. On one hand, I was a pretty poor representation of their girl club. But on the other, man, did I make them look a whole lot better. Can’t live with me, can’t live without me or however the saying goes.

I may have been a girl, but I wasn’t girl enough to play Bella Swan when we played Twilight at recess. I was taller and bigger and I didn’t quite fit in with the rest of them. So of course I alternated between playing Edward and Jacob in a sea of the other girls all fawning around me, performing this exaggerated helplessness like they’d seen in the movies. 

I think that’s how I was taught to view femininity in general. Girl wasn’t defined by genitals or reproductive organs. It was defined by performance and, by extension, helplessness and pain. Most importantly, it always revolved around men.

Any and every man could be the all seeing audience we played for. Your father, your brother, your friends, hell, even God himself. It was all for Him. So you always had to be prepared to contort yourself into whatever position He needed; the Maiden, the Mother, the Sage, the Innocent, the Enigma, the Boss, the Siren, any number of clown costumes one could parade around in.

I did what I’ve always done. I studied them. Because I yearned to understand what makes a girl earn the attention of this audience. Every other girl seemed to be born blessed in that regard. Boys liked them. And so I thought: how do I trick people into believing that I’m one of those girls too?

Being fat, unattractive, unappealing, and uninteresting, I certainly had my work cut out for me. My teenage years were spent googling:

“how to be pretty”

“how to do eyeliner”

“how to talk to boys”

“how to flirt with boys”

“how to french kiss”

“how to suppress gag reflex”

Because what was the point if I didn’t have those things down? What the fuck was the point of anything if I wasn’t building myself up into some mythical fucking creature who could be anything for anyone? I didn’t have a type but I could be anyone’s. If they could look past my face and my body, of course; if they understood that I was looking at myself with the same unimpressed expression as they were. I could do my best impression of whatever girl they needed me to be. I was constantly doing market research, constantly inputting data, constantly updating into the newest, best version I could possibly be.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that when you turn yourself into a giving machine, you tend to attract people who only want to take. In fact, sometimes you attract thieves who don’t bother sticking a dollar in the slot either. Instead they smash the glass facade surrounding your humanity and take what they please.

They leave you empty, wondering what you are going to fill those slots with. Because what if someone passes by? What if they’d like something from you too? You don’t want them to see the broken glass. You don’t want them to be afraid. You don’t want them to reach their hand inside and hurt themselves on the jagged remnants of the crime inflicted on you. So you sweep away the evidence and drape a blanket over yourself.

You’re not out of order, you’re merely undergoing renovation. Don’t worry, I still have things to offer! You can count on me! I can still be worth something!

I can’t help but feel that deep down inside of me, there is something rotten. And not from something that was stolen from me. It’s something that’s been slowly putrefying since the day I was born. Maybe that something is the fact that I don’t have a place amongst it all. Maybe it’s the fact that if I were born a hundred years ago, I probably would’ve been locked in a hospital somewhere. I’d have my own little padded room with a slot in the door that’s too small to see all of me through. I could only be viewed in fragments, withering away over time until there’s nothing left to observe. Maybe it’s the fact that the idea of that comforts me even the slightest bit.

Because I still make myself into that machine. Could I ever stop being that girl? I try so hard to stop. But in a way, it’s such a self fulfilling prophecy. Because if I keep doing those things…aren’t I fulfilling the ultimate mission of femininity and girlhood? 

I can’t be the only one who feels it. I know I’m not. There’s enough feminist literature out in the world that I know hundreds of thousands of people have felt it long before I have.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of not knowing who I am when I’m not performing or when I’m not in pain. I’m tired of feeling like those are the only moments where I have something to offer the world. I’m tired of feeling like I have to offer something to begin with.

[bluestar22x]

I had a similar experience thinking I was too overweight in middle school and therefore unattractive (everyone in my family who cared said if I was smaller I'd be pretty, over and over) and then my doctor in high school said I was at a healthy weight! On the upper end, but still healthy [it wouldn't have harmed me to lose 10 pounds but he wasn't worried about it].

I was active in my youth. LOVED running - it was my favorite sporty thing to do. (Pretended to be a horse galloping when I was a kid too!)

I'm convinced I wouldn't have the issues I have with food and my weight today if my body had been accepted back then. Now I struggle to find the worth in dieting even with my cholesterol being high and hating my body even more. I want to feel good. I get it one way or another. Society does not go about encouraging people to lose weight right. The worst is the pressure put on kids (anyone under 18) to look pretty! Especially girls. It's put on them by their peers mostly, but it's been taught to those peers by adults, by Hollywood, that normal and lovable is rail thin for women. Show your spine, show your collarbones and ribs. An ounce of fat cannot be okay.

It's funny cause there were times in history where filled out women were preferred. And, to a degree, women having a little extra weight on them made sense for survival. Especially if a women were to have a baby. Storage can be a good thing - it's energy, it's strength, it's warmth. There's a limit of course, but being super skinny isn't better even if society thinks it's more pretty.

Basketball doesn’t make people tall

[crazyalien87]

There is nothing morally wrong with being fat.

You are not a bad person for being fat, or worthless, or unlovable, or undateable, or unattractive, etc.

I know usa society may make it seem like fat people are ugly and gross to everyone and no one cares about or us or wants to date us or be friends with us, but it is just not true.

But I believed it for so, soooooo long.

It took moving to a place full of strangers and still getting new friends and even a bf for me to realize: there was nothing wrong with me the whole time. I'm a worthwhile person. As the saying goes: "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". But, so many times of hearing that and stuff like that didn't help my self-esteem much. Only the lived experience of people who had no reason to have care about me, nothing like "she is related to me so I have to care" or "we grew up together", still caring about me made me realize I'm worth it. Made me have a good amount of real, stable, self-esteem for the first time since middle school.

It's amazing. I love my bf and my friends and am eternally grateful to them. But then I look back on my teenage years and realize that I wasn't as ok as I thought I was. That I should've cared about myself. That I went through all the mental strife for no good reason. That I hated myself and mistrusted myself for no good reason. And now I wanna save others from that same fate. But idk how. But I have to try.

[bodyimagechangeseverything]

What is Beauty According to Me?

So, makeup, a lot of people have different outlooks on it. I am going to be sharing my personal opinion on it. I think that makeup is a very special thing we have today especially when it comes to theatre, cultural purposes, and even art. Makeup is a form of art that anyone including women and men can explore, but “how is makeup art?” Well, makeup is a very creative activity because you can explore different century looks, geometric shapes, and colours. It is easily an art based on the exploring aspect of makeup. I think that there is no such thing as too much makeup because there is no end to art just our imagination! Although I do think that makeup shouldn’t become something that a person only thinks makes them beautiful. All makeup does is enhance our natural beauty and we don’t need makeup to be beautiful but rather as a form of art or to enhance what beauty we already have. 

Fashion. Fashion is an amazing statement to our personalities. Fashion does enhance beauty in the way that it defines our natural body types and enhances the looks of our curves and body shapes. Earlier I said fashion is a statement of our personalities, what I like about fashion is a person can wear what they want to wear for example more colourful clothes, neutral colours, fluffy or puffy sleeves, dresses, and so much more and you can often get an outlook on the persons personality based of what they wear. Multiple brands are expanding in the varieties of clothing they have which gives us more options for our wardrobe. Fashion isn’t just about enhancing our body it reflects off of our amazing personalities!  But a lot of clothing brands limit their sizes, and you often see a lot of brands have size six clothing and less of the bigger sizing so that can make a lot of people self-conscious but we aren’t supposed to fit the clothes, the clothes are in fact made to fit our bodies. I know when I'm shopping for clothing it's hard for me to find sizing that fits me, so it gets me down and it shines an unhealthy body image into my brain. So, we need to remind ourselves that all of these beauty-enhancing products aren’t what makes us beautiful. We as people are beautiful with what is on the inside of us not just the outside.

Media. Media really can affect people's opinions and ways of thinking. Platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, etc. can become the worst enemy of people and it makes young ones especially to compare themselves and their bodies to other people. For me, as an example, I know that going on Tik Tok not all the time but sometimes, someone will be doing a dance or a get-ready with me makeup routine or something like that and I will think to myself “I wish I could look like her, she's so pretty, she has a perfect hourglass figure, etc.” Comparing ourselves to others is not healthy we have to stop and tell ourselves that just because we don’t look like other people doesn’t mean we aren’t beautiful in our own way. Social media platforms eventually make people critical of other people and then end up putting nasty comments on posts of someone else calling them ugly, fat, unattractive, etc. Once people get used to the new standard of beauty, they are critical of others, and this is usually a sign that they aren’t confident with themselves. We need to start making a positive environment and it's not just going to happen by itself we need to help change the attitudes of this society. For example, I follow a few influencers one main one is Spencer Barbosa. She grew up not being very confident but now she is an influencer, and she is teaching thousands of people what their self-worth is and to try not to care too much about people's judgments of our bodies. I have found her very helpful and when people are around that positive attitude makes it hit them and the more you are in that type of environment the more it affects that person in a good way.

I strongly believe with every inch of my body that beauty isn’t defined by our bodies or outside appearance. It is mainly based on who we are as a person on the inside. Such as our morals, personality, etc. So, what if we have cellulite, and fat on our bodies, what if you can see our bones? We are all made out of the same type of skin and cells, and we all have the same anatomy of a heart. What does it matter what the outside of our bodies looks like? What if we have an hourglass figure and they are nasty people based on their personality and their morals? I feel like the main thing we should focus on is our beauty on the inside work on who we are as people and worry less about what people think. I hope that we can form a community and try our best as one to change society's standards of “beauty.” We also need to focus on how judgemental we are because I know even though I believe that it’s the inside of a person that makes them beautiful I know I still need to work on not judging people based on their outside appearance. For example, It gets hard for me especially when you are around this negative world full of people judging and having beauty standards that sometimes you can get sucked into that way of thinking.

This is for the "What is beauty" assignment.

[cottoncandysecretlair]

Okay, so you're having a hard time understanding. I get it.

Every. Fucking. Hateful. Thing. About. Your. Ideology. Stems. From. Hating. Men.

You claim to support women. You want to help women.

Women get punished for masculine features, because the fear we are "secretly men." Women that are fat get masculinized. Women that are disabled. Women that are conventionally unattractive. Hairy women. Chronically ill women. We all face society stripping deeming us unfeminine and unacceptable. For a while, feminist spaces were a feasible safe space for women like me.

Now your idealogy, focusing on men as the ultimate evil force of oppression, is feeding into that and making women unsafe. The idea of hating all men directly influences people to harm women for not being "woman" enough in ALL spaces now, including feminist.

For the same reason, the idea of hating men leads into transphobia. Hating men in feminist and leftist spaces means that features and traits perceived as masculine are rejected. This means any proximity to being man, whether it's having transitioned or a cis woman with hormonal issues, is rejected and punished.

Republicans love transphobia and they love hurting ugly gross bad women too. So they're happy to co-opt the rhetoric. Now the mainstream right AND leftist spaces are unsafe. It all ties together into making our lives hell.

If you are still following, you should not be okay with that. You should care about the fact that your idealogy is impacting the women you purport to be in support of.

No amount of claiming men deserve it is worth what you are doing to everyone that does not fit within society's idea of what woman looks like. Your idealogy is hurting people.

And even if men generally oppress women, that does not change the fact that a woman can cause harm to others that she *does* have privledge over. And that includes some men. Because the world is not fucking black and white. Because men can be disabled, GNC, chronically ill, poor, gay, black, whatever else. And that gives you inherent power over them.

And I know you don't care about the men. What I'm saying is I don't understand why none of you care about the women you have power over, because those are the women your rhetoric harms.

Okay. I've connected the dots as carefully as I can.

man hating will never be progressive. you can't take terf shit and slap a rainbow coat of paint on it and act like it's somehow now based and woke and pro queer rights. snap out of it.