#fat and unattractive and not worth the time

[blackenedsnow]

Do you think you can write anything where Chucky/Charles cheers the reader up? Especially if it was related to her(reader) feeling fat and unattractive, you know. Just some fluff

killer confidence

WARNING: Mention of insecurities related to body image

PAIRING: Chucky & (Fem) Reader

NOTE: I'm so glad I'm finally getting requests ughh!! Thank you for your ask. I hope this is alright!

SUMMARY: Feeling insecure about your appearance, especially your weight, you try to hide those feelings, but Chucky, always observant in his twisted way, notices something's off.

You stared at your reflection in the mirror, frowning as your eyes scanned over every flaw you thought you could see. The shirt you were wearing felt tight today, tighter than usual, clinging to your body in ways you didn’t like. Your pants felt snug, and no matter how many times you tugged at the fabric, trying to loosen it, nothing helped. You sighed, pulling at your shirt again, wishing you could just disappear.

“What the hell’s your problem?”

You startled, turning around to see Chucky sitting on the edge of the dresser, arms crossed and a bemused smirk on his face.

“Nothing,” you muttered, turning back to the mirror and running your hands over your midsection again, hoping that maybe this time it would look different. “Just… don’t feel great today.”

Chucky raised an eyebrow, his smirk faltering just a bit. “Oh yeah? What’s eating at you now?”

You hesitated, not really wanting to talk about it. How could you explain the constant insecurity, the way your mind twisted every reflection into something worse, something uglier? You already felt ridiculous for letting it get to you so much.

“It’s stupid,” you finally said, waving your hand dismissively. “I just feel… fat. Ugly. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

Chucky snorted, but there was a glint of something in his eyes—something that wasn’t just mockery. “That’s what you’re worried about? Jesus, you women and your body image shit. It’s always the same thing.”

You glared at him, expecting some snide comment or cruel joke. That was his usual way of handling things, after all—harsh humor, crude remarks. It was just who he was.

But instead, he surprised you.

“You know, you’re the only one who sees yourself like that,” Chucky said, hopping down from the dresser and sauntering over to you. “I don’t know where you’re gettin’ this idea that you’re ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ or whatever the hell’s goin’ on in that head of yours, but it’s complete bullshit.”

You blinked, turning to face him fully now, caught off guard by the sudden shift in his tone. “You… think so?”

He rolled his eyes. “Of course I think so. You think I’d hang around here if you weren’t worth looking at? C’mon, give me a little credit. I’ve got standards.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. Leave it to Chucky to make a compliment sound like an insult.

He smirked, clearly pleased with himself for getting a reaction out of you. “See? That’s better. You’re too busy worrying about what you think you look like to realize you’ve got nothing to be whining about.”

“But I don’t feel—” you started, but Chucky cut you off with a sharp wave of his hand.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. You don’t feel like you look good. You’re stuck in that shitty little brain of yours, obsessing over crap that doesn’t matter. But let me tell you somethin’, sweetheart—none of that changes the fact that you're not fuckin' ugly, no matter what you think.”

Your face flushed at his blunt words. “Chucky, you really—”

“—need to stop bein’ so goddamn nice? Yeah, I know.” He shrugged, pacing in front of you with his usual swagger. “But let me make this clear. I’ve seen a lotta people in my time—real sickos, gorgeous dames, ugly bastards, you name it—and you? You’re a damn knockout compared to most of ‘em.”

You felt your heart lift slightly at his words, despite how gruff they were. “You really think that?”

Chucky rolled his eyes again but nodded, a grin creeping back onto his face. “Hell yeah, I do. You think I’d bother stickin’ around if you weren’t worth it? I may be a killer, but I’m not blind.”

You laughed softly again, the weight of your earlier insecurity starting to fade under his strangely endearing pep talk.

“And another thing,” he said, pointing at you with that little plastic hand. “If anyone tries to tell you otherwise? I’ll gut ‘em, no questions asked. They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

You chuckled, shaking your head. “I’m sure you would.”

“Damn right.”

You shook your head, still smiling. “Thanks, Chucky. I mean it. I guess I’ve just been in my head a lot lately.”

"Yeah, yeah, don’t get all mushy on me now," he grumbled, though there was a hint of a grin on his face. "But seriously, stop tearing yourself down. You’ve got better things to focus on—like helping me figure out how to take out the neighbors. That guy across the street’s been pissing me off for weeks."

You snorted. "Yeah, I’ll get right on that."

Chucky nodded, satisfied. "Good. And hey, if you ever start feeling like this again, just remember: I don’t hang around fuckin' losers. You’re stuck with me, so that should tell you something."

It was probably the closest thing to a compliment Chucky could manage, but it meant more than you’d expected. The tension that had been weighing on you for most of the day started to ease, and for the first time in hours, you didn’t feel quite so bad about yourself.

Maybe it was just the absurdity of getting a pep talk from a killer doll, but you actually felt a little better. And for now, that was enough.

[devils-little-sistaaa]

I am so sick tired of people portraying CLARISSE LA RUE as thin or average sized and pretty looking. As if the show casting wasn’t bad enough (no hate to Dior she’s great but) I am so fucking sick of the fatphobia in this fandom. I just saw somebody fancast PEYTON LIST as CLARISSE (Nothing wrong with Peyton List she’s cool I mean no disrespect to her or her fans). But she is skinny. And pretty. At the very least she is average sized and conventionally attractive. Same problems with Dior.

They are actively casting thin and pretty and gender binding people for characters that are anything but that. They are actively taking representation away from us.

In every book that’s she’s in Clarisse is always described to be fat large tall beefy muscular masculine “ugly” conventionally very unattractive kinda butchy short choppy hair not participating in the gender binary. And honestly she’s like the only character I can relate to on that aspect from the PJO universe.

And here we are. Actresses like Dior Goodjohn and Leven Rambin playing Clarrise. Both are thin / average sized and conventionally very attractive with long pretty hair and a pretty face. (I mean no hate to the actresses or their fans they’re both great and cool people). They’re just not fit for a character like Clarisse. Aside from fatphobia and maybe misogyny I honestly don’t know why these two actress were ever casted to play a character like Clarisse.

(Misogyny as in the idea that all real women need to be performing femininity all the time and also need to be naturally conventionally attractive and thin skinny or at least average sized or else they’re not worth looking at not worth putting on a screen not worth casting to play a character that is alike to them).

Why is it so hard to have accurate representation for fat and ugly characters like Clarisse. People like me. Why are the only very few fat girls we get representation for have to always be performing hyper femininity and conventionally attractive. Why. I’m so sick and tired of it. This is so not fair. This is so not ok.

Kinda fucking sucks when there are only a select few characters like me in the world and when I get excited to them on screen they’re not like me anymore. It feels like someone spit in my face called me a tub of lard and told me to take a hike cause only thin and pretty and feminine or at least average looking people are allowed to have representation and not ugly people like me. Truly kinda sucks.

(Before anybody says anything : no this is not about Dior’s race. I couldn’t care less about Clarisse’s race or nationality. This is about size and body types. This is about androgynous presentation. This is about the fatphobia and possible misogyny that played a role in Clarisse’s casting. If Clarisse. had been casted as a fat girl (of any nationality of any race at all) with somewhat short hair and at least somewhat masc / butch / androgynous presenting. I would have been over the moon and overjoyed for any kind of fat and / or androgynous representation.

[m1ss-n0mer]

VENT

My mother is so annoying about gender/sexuality. She says she’s supportive and she’s probably trying to be but she’s just not good at it.

I go by he or it. My mother knows this. Usually she refers to me using she/her but she remembers she shouldn’t if we happen to be talking about gender. In those cases she uses they/them even though I have repeatedly told her those aren’t my fucking pronouns.

Also once I made a joke about maybe getting top surgery when I’m older and she was so horrified all she talked about for the next few months was how bad an idea transition, and she still does sometimes even though it’s died down. Her reasons being:

Testosterone causes people to be more reckless and aggressive. After you take it you dream less, you get fat, you grow more body hair, you become less desirable, and you can’t get pregnant if you want to.

You pay so much money for it, and it’s all just plastic surgery companies saying that everything will be better if you do it

She says those who are happy with the results are only happy because of the sunken cost fallacy

She ‘has a friend’ who works with trans ppl and says that all trans men only want it to pass and they usually aren’t happy with the results

She ‘has a friend’ who works for cps and has met trans kids who ‘just seem to think everything will get better when they transition’

Women who lost their breasts because of cancer really miss them and it’s a tragedy

I should keep looking like a conventionally attractive girl so that I can get better jobs

She joined a fb page of trans men and described them all as ‘fat, ugly, hairy, boring looking, etc’ and said how they looked prettier before they transitioned. I looked at some of the pictures. They looked fine and even if they didn’t, they looked visibly happier

‘Your brain isn’t fully mature until 25 so you should wait until that age to know for sure’

Trans people should learn to be comfortable in their bodies

I’d have to shave more so it wouldn’t be worth it (I also wouldn’t bleed so hard every month that I faint and throw up if it’s too hot but ok)

Top surgery scars are ugly and my future partners will hate me for getting rid of my perfect, gorgeous breasts

Also I casually mentioned I might be on the aro and/or ace spectrum at one point, and she just went on about how relationships ‘don’t necessarily form because of love, but because of circumstance’ and how ‘you won’t be able to find a partner who doesn’t want sex.’

Also I mentioned that one of my friends is asexual and she just straight up said it ‘must be because of trauma.’

Also she seems think the only reason I know my identity so well is because I was ‘given too much time to think about it’

Also ALSO whenever I ask for masc things like buying a binder or wearing a suit to an event rather than a dress, she’s not that receptive. (In the former case I had to remind her several times and in the latter she wanted me to at least wear SOMETHING feminine because I’m genderfluid not a full trans boy, so I ended up wearing sth more femme than I would have liked. Then she suggested we make a more feminine version just in case I feel like a girl that day. THAT IS THE FEMININE VERSION.

And I’d not even mention the bit about having to remind her to buy me a binder but when I expressed a SLIGHT interest in make up, the bought me a massive box to experiment with several days later. Like, she’s clearly desperate to have someone feminine because she finds masculinity unattractive.

[renee-writer]

Love Comes First Chapter 32

AO3

He watches her with dilated eyes. She, focused on Hanna and Isaiah, doesn’t see him. Nursing twins isn’t easy, especially as they grow. It would be easier to nurse them one at a time but having them on the same schedule is easier in a different way.

So one in the classic football hold with the other across her lap. She is determined to exclusively breastfeed until at least seven months before adding solid food.

He moves, knocking into the dresser and bringing her eyes up. She smiles at him.

“You are always so beautiful when you are nurturing our children.” His voice is rough with emotion.

She flushes knowing her hair is a mess. She can’t remember the last time she really brushed it. Her clothes are worn for comfort and not fashion. She has never felt more unattractive.

“Thank you Jamie. That is nice to say.”

He rolls his eyes. “You cannae see it. How incredibly beautiful you are. I know you always feel like a dairy coo when nursing. But I see a glorious mama doing the absolute best for our children.”

She looks down and grins. Hanna lays milk drink against her. Isaiah still lazily nurses. They are fat with rosy cheeks. At five months, they have never had even a cold.

“Thank you. Truly. Yes, it is hard but so worth it. I know I will miss this time after it is over. Like every time. Especially knowing this is the last time.”

“Aye. We need to soak up every second of this time. Their babyhood will go by so fast.”

They both sigh knowing that is the truth.

“James is in university and married. He was just their age a second ago.” She says. He nods as he takes Hanna Rebecca to wind her while Claire does the same with Isaiah David.

“Fergus and Marsali’s bairns will be like our grandchild. The next generation, something to look forward to, aye?”

“Quite.”

[frickfatphobes]

Was discussing compliments last night with my spouse and it made me curious about others opinions on compliments.

How do you feel about compliments? Do you enjoy them and trust them? Do you have to be in the right headspace?

Compliments are a sticky subject for me. Growing up most compliments were either a prelude to wanting something from me or a backhanded compliment that usually related to weight. One of the only genuine ones I can remember is when my maternal grandmother told me "Yellow is your colour." So I am always suspicious and dismissive of compliments even from my spouse, which is not exactly great.

*Asks are sent for fun, no pressure to answer.

Oh, this is a great question! Compliments are so weird for me. I don't get them very much, and almost every time it happens it's one feature about me that has nothing to do with my weight.

It took me years to go from dismissing compliments to accepting them respectfully. Strangely, I am actually less likely to respond well to a compliment coming from someone I trust. If a stranger says my hair looks nice, I say 'thank you' and that's about it. If someone I know very well is saying something like 'your personality is nice,' I tend to get suspicious that I'm being lied to somehow.

I've mentioned before on the blog how one of my parental figures was very manipulative to me. She often gave me compliments when I looked thinner in a certain outfit, or wore something that covered my stomach well. My other guardian would say things like 'you look nice' when I was dressed up for a special occasion but never ever called me beautiful. I doubt there was any malicious intent behind that, but it sometimes still hurts thinking that the people who raised me probably think I'm unattractive.

I'm getting better at taking compliments from my best friend and spouse. Just today he noticed something about me that I've always been self conscious about, and he expressed how cute he thought it was. I'm still in awe how much he adores my fat body -- not in spite of my fatness, but not because of my fatness.

Yes, compliments have been a touchy subject for me my whole life. But I'm starting to heal and I'm building trust again. I guess I'm finally starting to learn that my body is worth being complimented! =)

[roosterr]

sobbing over ex-fat kid ghost. so many people just managed to convince him he was unlovable, unattractive, could never surmount to anything and the first time someone expresses anything other than an emotion akin to disgust he has to like swallow tears. he was a bit of a cocky shit when he was younger because of the drastic change, people finally not caring how much he ate, but he calmed down over time. he’s not really cocky anymore, but he knows his place and worth and omg i might break into tears i love this headcanon so much

THIS, EXACTLY THIS. you fucking said it anon, this hc has absolutely destroyed me I love it so much

[the-old-man-has-the-phonebox]

Random shit

My mom keeps pushing me to get a cat. She is the main reason I cannot have a cat because she would never allow one in her house. At this point it just upsets me because I’m so fucking lonely and a pet would really help but it’s not like anyone takes what I need into consideration in this fucking house.

I have no money. Like I want to do so many things— I want to cosplay (or at least have one of the preexisting ones ready for Animarathon). I want to buy shit that makes me happy (in healthy amounts, ofc). But then I’d like to be able to afford, like, Dairy Queen or something? (Long story short I can’t trust the meat on campus so I’ve been craving protein like a motherfucker). I need to apply to jobs but I stall as soon as I get to the resume section because there’s absolutely nothing I’m fucking good at. I have no skills. Even if I get this degree I’m virtually unhirable.

I’m still so hurt by my mom. She texts me like everything is okay, but I know it’s not. I wish I had money to get a place. I don’t feel welcome in my own home anymore. If she’s never going to change, then she can rot. She doesn’t deserve me. She never did.

Speaking of finding a place: almost everywhere in town has no openings. They should because despite the semester just starting, signings for next year are in about a month or so. I found somewhere that may work, but I’d likely need some form of transportation. That leaves me with multiple options: 1.) bite the bullet and force myself to learn how to drive despite how harmful that level of constant anxiety will be on my mental health; 2.) get a gay little trike bike because I can’t ride a bike (long story short I have very vivid childhood trauma tied to trying to learn how and I also can’t balance for shit in general); 3.) grow some balls and just start walking more so I can gain endurance for walking a mile or two to campus in any weather (despite what I have reason to believe is a musculoskeletal condition I may have)

I’m just so fucking lonely, man. No one will ever like me, be it a friend or something more. I’m barely palatable online, and just borderline tolerable irl. I’m such a fucking waste of space. I do nothing of worth for anyone— my own parents see me as a waste of time and energy. It’s never be loved, let alone liked. I’m such a fucking weird ass loser that I’m seen as an outsider to people that are generally weird as well. Even if I wasn’t weird, I’m fat and unattractive (like, in the objective sense. Not in a “oh I’m a size 12 I’m so fat uwu” way). I’m actively ostracized for how I look. My existence is nothing but loneliness and suffering. I will die alone, be it a case of an elderly person not being found for a while because they had no one or a young adult found dead of their own doing. No matter how this ends, it will always end like this. There is no realistic situation where things turn out okay. The only reason I’m still fucking here is because I always pussy out because I’m afraid of not doing whatever method to the extent of guaranteed fatality and just end up suffering more (ex: I jump and miraculously survive, but now I’m alive and even more disabled than before).

I don’t even have the motivation to make art anymore, man. There’s literally nothing here left for me.

[theozoneoverdose]

I've seen something similar happen when racist white people online say that black women are unattractive. When they post pictures of black women they deem ugly, it's always women who are either fat, disabled, poor, dark skinned with type 4 hair, gender non-conforming and/or non-passing. Unfortunately, I've seen people respond to posts like this with pictures of white women they consider ugly, which are also women who are fat, disabled, poor, or non-passing.

While we do live in a white supremacist society with eurocentric beauty standards, calling white women ugly to push back against misogynoir is not helpful. It perpetuates the idea that it's acceptable to disrespect and abuse people who we consider "ugly", and what is considered ugly doesn't exist in a vacuum. It is often informed by ableism, transphobia, racism, and classism. There are even historical "ugly laws" banning poor and disabled people from being seen in public. The oppressive grind of an unjust capitalist world also disproportionately "uglifies" the people who are most oppressed by it - think of the popular internet adage: "You're not ugly, you're just poor." If you're a working class black trans woman that's living hand to mouth and your boss has just fired you for being trans, you probably won't have a lot of time or money to beautify yourself because you'll have more pressing issues at hand, like figuring out how you're going to feed yourself until you find another job. Furthermore, it reinforces misogynistic idea that a woman's worth is defined by how attractive they are.

When people suggest that a certain marginalised group's oppression is justified by how ugly they are, instead of calling the oppressors ugly in return, we should instead reject the premise entirely.

Literally sick to death of twitter throwing a fit every single day about art depicting visibly trans people, GNC trans people, etc, and calling it a hateful caricature. ESPECIALLY when often it turns out to be explicitly based on someone the artist is friends with, and people still say the most horrible things about their appearance.

[briannapuppet]

Unraveling my PTSD

I put on something cute and gooned for about 3 hours last night. 3 hours of erotic hypnosis, blowjob practice and hole-stretching, much jizz leaking from my cock, one big orgasm at the end 🖤.

Aside: I just got a BEAUTIFUL new latex outfit and I made small tears in both of the stockings 🥺 but it was well worth it, and I can do the repairs. I think I even have fabric in the right color; the thickness might be wrong, though.

Then I spent some time doing self-care: praying, singing and doing a little cleanup around the house. I made myself some frijoles refritos and had a delicious bean & cheese burrito. When you ask your body to do something big, always give it delicious rewards and love at the end!

During the session, I recovered a string of memories. I had not exactly forgotten them, but I dissociated them because they were too painful to contemplate.

I smelled the latex on my body. Ahh, new latex smell.

I remembered the smell of the first latex I bought, some stockings for my transphobic ex-wife. She hated them, and maybe wore them twice after I begged her. All she wanted was missionary, missionary, missionary.

I remembered when I was in college, and I was downloading porn. I think it was "The Governess," a latex BDSM feature with Jewell Marceau. I remembered just being in love with the look. Why wouldn't you want to wear tight, shiny, beautiful clothing that makes your body look perky?

Then, I looked at myself in the mirror. I've come sooo far. 7 years HRT in a few days, FFS, BA, BBL. 11 years of some kind of stretching practice, yoga or Pilates every day. I have a brow game, I bleach my own hair, I can put on false eyelashes and I can wear colored contacts. I never wear foundation, but sometimes I do concealer on my lower face, which still has a few hairs. It's just incredible. I'm really thankful for my surgeons' aesthetic sense. I'm not exaggerated, I'm feminine. They were like - yeah, it seems cool now to have buccal fat removal, huge lips, massive fake butt and tits, but you could be beautiful.

I listened to the hypnosis session. It was "Exposure is Pleasure" by Bimbo University, and the narrator was talking about forcing me to be a pornstar. And I just laughed, because... Why would you have to force me? Why did I ever become ashamed of being a cute, horny girl who likes to wear costumes? Because of transphobia. Because when people think of trans bimbos, they think of pathetic, drugs-and-despair-devastated old crossdressers, posting dick pics in wigs, being super creepy on Fetlife, and constantly jabbering about how they want to transition but can't, or how they are going to transition after certain criteria are met. There are LEGIONS of them. But, increasingly, there are SUPER CUTE LEWD TRANS GIRLS. Super competent in whatever we do; pragmatic; with good aesthetics, daring politics, and tons of empathy and emotional wisdom.

And then I feel like I'm fine. Oh, men bend over backwards to care for broke-ass, overweight cis women. It's only some kind of temporary societal insanity that's causing them to target me. You know why I feel safe? Because in order for a conservative to hurt me, they'd have to look at me. I'm a memetic hazard that would break them. I'm proof that you can take a doughy, unattractive male and turn them into an incredibly beautiful woman.

[skinnypaleangryperson]

I'm sorry, is Samuel Jackson supposed to feel proud of his obscenely bland and unattractive bullshit and undeserving career and spitting out of that sock he calls a mouth as nothing but a talentless and souless parasite who is only capable of sputtering out his pathetic attempt of a career only for money because that's the only way that you could ever get that worthless black pig to do anything?

Do these actors realize how much of a fucking burden it is to constantly have their worthless bullshit they call art shoved into my face against my will?

I couldn't tell you a single actor that is worthy of their status, their their movies, their career, and there are some of the most disgusting and soulless people on this earth. There's so money hungry that all they do is sit around and pretend like they're human or capable of anything worth a damn for money and then later reveal themselves is the worthless disgusting pigs and hogs that they are that are only capable of even attempting it because they know that there was a fat paycheck to get them outside of that meaningless black husk that they call a human body after the fact. What a worthless disgusting and absolutely forgettable industry, and how crushing it is for someone like me to realize this over a slow period of time.

[bluestar22x]

I had a similar experience thinking I was too overweight in middle school and therefore unattractive (everyone in my family who cared said if I was smaller I'd be pretty, over and over) and then my doctor in high school said I was at a healthy weight! On the upper end, but still healthy [it wouldn't have harmed me to lose 10 pounds but he wasn't worried about it].

I was active in my youth. LOVED running - it was my favorite sporty thing to do. (Pretended to be a horse galloping when I was a kid too!)

I'm convinced I wouldn't have the issues I have with food and my weight today if my body had been accepted back then. Now I struggle to find the worth in dieting even with my cholesterol being high and hating my body even more. I want to feel good. I get it one way or another. Society does not go about encouraging people to lose weight right. The worst is the pressure put on kids (anyone under 18) to look pretty! Especially girls. It's put on them by their peers mostly, but it's been taught to those peers by adults, by Hollywood, that normal and lovable is rail thin for women. Show your spine, show your collarbones and ribs. An ounce of fat cannot be okay.

It's funny cause there were times in history where filled out women were preferred. And, to a degree, women having a little extra weight on them made sense for survival. Especially if a women were to have a baby. Storage can be a good thing - it's energy, it's strength, it's warmth. There's a limit of course, but being super skinny isn't better even if society thinks it's more pretty.

Basketball doesn’t make people tall

[always-andromeda]

notes on femininity - 5/14/24

I wonder if I will ever be able to look at myself and not feel myself start to spin out. Because that seems to be what happens every time I do. For as long as I can remember, my relationship with girlhood has always been contemptuous. 

As far back as childhood, I felt it. All my friends wore bright colors smattered with sparkles from Justice while I dressed in my mother’s hand-me-down business casual wear. They were the only thing that fit me. Because little girls my size just weren’t worth selling to, I guess. All the other little girls got to be these pretty princesses covered in ruffles and jewels and I was just…there.

I was the one the other girls were always pointedly embarrassed of. On one hand, I was a pretty poor representation of their girl club. But on the other, man, did I make them look a whole lot better. Can’t live with me, can’t live without me or however the saying goes.

I may have been a girl, but I wasn’t girl enough to play Bella Swan when we played Twilight at recess. I was taller and bigger and I didn’t quite fit in with the rest of them. So of course I alternated between playing Edward and Jacob in a sea of the other girls all fawning around me, performing this exaggerated helplessness like they’d seen in the movies. 

I think that’s how I was taught to view femininity in general. Girl wasn’t defined by genitals or reproductive organs. It was defined by performance and, by extension, helplessness and pain. Most importantly, it always revolved around men.

Any and every man could be the all seeing audience we played for. Your father, your brother, your friends, hell, even God himself. It was all for Him. So you always had to be prepared to contort yourself into whatever position He needed; the Maiden, the Mother, the Sage, the Innocent, the Enigma, the Boss, the Siren, any number of clown costumes one could parade around in.

I did what I’ve always done. I studied them. Because I yearned to understand what makes a girl earn the attention of this audience. Every other girl seemed to be born blessed in that regard. Boys liked them. And so I thought: how do I trick people into believing that I’m one of those girls too?

Being fat, unattractive, unappealing, and uninteresting, I certainly had my work cut out for me. My teenage years were spent googling:

“how to be pretty”

“how to do eyeliner”

“how to talk to boys”

“how to flirt with boys”

“how to french kiss”

“how to suppress gag reflex”

Because what was the point if I didn’t have those things down? What the fuck was the point of anything if I wasn’t building myself up into some mythical fucking creature who could be anything for anyone? I didn’t have a type but I could be anyone’s. If they could look past my face and my body, of course; if they understood that I was looking at myself with the same unimpressed expression as they were. I could do my best impression of whatever girl they needed me to be. I was constantly doing market research, constantly inputting data, constantly updating into the newest, best version I could possibly be.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that when you turn yourself into a giving machine, you tend to attract people who only want to take. In fact, sometimes you attract thieves who don’t bother sticking a dollar in the slot either. Instead they smash the glass facade surrounding your humanity and take what they please.

They leave you empty, wondering what you are going to fill those slots with. Because what if someone passes by? What if they’d like something from you too? You don’t want them to see the broken glass. You don’t want them to be afraid. You don’t want them to reach their hand inside and hurt themselves on the jagged remnants of the crime inflicted on you. So you sweep away the evidence and drape a blanket over yourself.

You’re not out of order, you’re merely undergoing renovation. Don’t worry, I still have things to offer! You can count on me! I can still be worth something!

I can’t help but feel that deep down inside of me, there is something rotten. And not from something that was stolen from me. It’s something that’s been slowly putrefying since the day I was born. Maybe that something is the fact that I don’t have a place amongst it all. Maybe it’s the fact that if I were born a hundred years ago, I probably would’ve been locked in a hospital somewhere. I’d have my own little padded room with a slot in the door that’s too small to see all of me through. I could only be viewed in fragments, withering away over time until there’s nothing left to observe. Maybe it’s the fact that the idea of that comforts me even the slightest bit.

Because I still make myself into that machine. Could I ever stop being that girl? I try so hard to stop. But in a way, it’s such a self fulfilling prophecy. Because if I keep doing those things…aren’t I fulfilling the ultimate mission of femininity and girlhood? 

I can’t be the only one who feels it. I know I’m not. There’s enough feminist literature out in the world that I know hundreds of thousands of people have felt it long before I have.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of not knowing who I am when I’m not performing or when I’m not in pain. I’m tired of feeling like those are the only moments where I have something to offer the world. I’m tired of feeling like I have to offer something to begin with.

[crazyalien87]

There is nothing morally wrong with being fat.

You are not a bad person for being fat, or worthless, or unlovable, or undateable, or unattractive, etc.

I know usa society may make it seem like fat people are ugly and gross to everyone and no one cares about or us or wants to date us or be friends with us, but it is just not true.

But I believed it for so, soooooo long.

It took moving to a place full of strangers and still getting new friends and even a bf for me to realize: there was nothing wrong with me the whole time. I'm a worthwhile person. As the saying goes: "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". But, so many times of hearing that and stuff like that didn't help my self-esteem much. Only the lived experience of people who had no reason to have care about me, nothing like "she is related to me so I have to care" or "we grew up together", still caring about me made me realize I'm worth it. Made me have a good amount of real, stable, self-esteem for the first time since middle school.

It's amazing. I love my bf and my friends and am eternally grateful to them. But then I look back on my teenage years and realize that I wasn't as ok as I thought I was. That I should've cared about myself. That I went through all the mental strife for no good reason. That I hated myself and mistrusted myself for no good reason. And now I wanna save others from that same fate. But idk how. But I have to try.

[bodyimagechangeseverything]

What is Beauty According to Me?

So, makeup, a lot of people have different outlooks on it. I am going to be sharing my personal opinion on it. I think that makeup is a very special thing we have today especially when it comes to theatre, cultural purposes, and even art. Makeup is a form of art that anyone including women and men can explore, but “how is makeup art?” Well, makeup is a very creative activity because you can explore different century looks, geometric shapes, and colours. It is easily an art based on the exploring aspect of makeup. I think that there is no such thing as too much makeup because there is no end to art just our imagination! Although I do think that makeup shouldn’t become something that a person only thinks makes them beautiful. All makeup does is enhance our natural beauty and we don’t need makeup to be beautiful but rather as a form of art or to enhance what beauty we already have. 

Fashion. Fashion is an amazing statement to our personalities. Fashion does enhance beauty in the way that it defines our natural body types and enhances the looks of our curves and body shapes. Earlier I said fashion is a statement of our personalities, what I like about fashion is a person can wear what they want to wear for example more colourful clothes, neutral colours, fluffy or puffy sleeves, dresses, and so much more and you can often get an outlook on the persons personality based of what they wear. Multiple brands are expanding in the varieties of clothing they have which gives us more options for our wardrobe. Fashion isn’t just about enhancing our body it reflects off of our amazing personalities!  But a lot of clothing brands limit their sizes, and you often see a lot of brands have size six clothing and less of the bigger sizing so that can make a lot of people self-conscious but we aren’t supposed to fit the clothes, the clothes are in fact made to fit our bodies. I know when I'm shopping for clothing it's hard for me to find sizing that fits me, so it gets me down and it shines an unhealthy body image into my brain. So, we need to remind ourselves that all of these beauty-enhancing products aren’t what makes us beautiful. We as people are beautiful with what is on the inside of us not just the outside.

Media. Media really can affect people's opinions and ways of thinking. Platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, etc. can become the worst enemy of people and it makes young ones especially to compare themselves and their bodies to other people. For me, as an example, I know that going on Tik Tok not all the time but sometimes, someone will be doing a dance or a get-ready with me makeup routine or something like that and I will think to myself “I wish I could look like her, she's so pretty, she has a perfect hourglass figure, etc.” Comparing ourselves to others is not healthy we have to stop and tell ourselves that just because we don’t look like other people doesn’t mean we aren’t beautiful in our own way. Social media platforms eventually make people critical of other people and then end up putting nasty comments on posts of someone else calling them ugly, fat, unattractive, etc. Once people get used to the new standard of beauty, they are critical of others, and this is usually a sign that they aren’t confident with themselves. We need to start making a positive environment and it's not just going to happen by itself we need to help change the attitudes of this society. For example, I follow a few influencers one main one is Spencer Barbosa. She grew up not being very confident but now she is an influencer, and she is teaching thousands of people what their self-worth is and to try not to care too much about people's judgments of our bodies. I have found her very helpful and when people are around that positive attitude makes it hit them and the more you are in that type of environment the more it affects that person in a good way.

I strongly believe with every inch of my body that beauty isn’t defined by our bodies or outside appearance. It is mainly based on who we are as a person on the inside. Such as our morals, personality, etc. So, what if we have cellulite, and fat on our bodies, what if you can see our bones? We are all made out of the same type of skin and cells, and we all have the same anatomy of a heart. What does it matter what the outside of our bodies looks like? What if we have an hourglass figure and they are nasty people based on their personality and their morals? I feel like the main thing we should focus on is our beauty on the inside work on who we are as people and worry less about what people think. I hope that we can form a community and try our best as one to change society's standards of “beauty.” We also need to focus on how judgemental we are because I know even though I believe that it’s the inside of a person that makes them beautiful I know I still need to work on not judging people based on their outside appearance. For example, It gets hard for me especially when you are around this negative world full of people judging and having beauty standards that sometimes you can get sucked into that way of thinking.

This is for the "What is beauty" assignment.

[inkhansky]

Funny

Sometimes, life is funny.

This time 2 years ago, I started a a dead end job, hoping that in 2 years, all these experience will be worth it. Who would have thought, 2 years later, I'm 1 year into my career, moved to a whole new state, living well on my own, oficially bought a new phone with my own money.

If someone told me this 5 years ago, this is what my life would be, I would laugh and tell them that they are very optimistic, even I don't that much trust in myself. But here I am.

Life in funny sometimes.

For a long time, I believed that I'm unattractive and unlovable, so I just jump into a relationship with whomever showed a slight interest in me, and gave them everything I had. But after having what I thought my whole world taken away, I found what truly matter. Myself.

I can't sit here and say that I love myself, because that is a lie, a big fat one, but I don't hate her either. She has laws, but she is working on them. She isn't a model, but she is putting in effort on her appearance. She is happy sometimes, but she is lonely sometimes, and it's normal. She has friends, that she wish she had more sometimes, but she likes all her current ones. I told myself that if I will continue to be a people pleaser, she get the first priority.

I hate uncertainty and I always wish that I could somehow see the future, but time like this I'm glad that I can't, because life wouldn't feel so funny if I could.

[tomsandpie]

Diary entry #3: thinking way too hard rn

He hello, I’m being a serial thinker. It is 2 am and I have to get ready for work at 4:45. But my body wanted to be up so I’m up. And boy am I fucking thinking right now.

I promise I didn’t not start this diary to only talk about a boy but I’m a lover girl who is slightly delulu so a crush encompasses every aspect of my life/ thoughts 🤭 oops.

But yes, boi is leaving me on read for so long :( and stopped messaging me every morning. And guys I have rationalized already why I’m like this lol. Let’s do a deep dive.

I saw a TikTok a long ways back about scarcity mindset and “late bloomers”. The unresolved feelings of girlies who have never been desired in their lives.

I was always fat or unattractive to ppl so I never had a bf, boys were never attracted to me, was asked out as a joke. All the things of course. Was always a girl that other girls thought was pretty but not desirable to the male gaze until I lost a bunch of weight in 2018. But also couple that with going to a PWI. Black men didn’t like me growing up so u know white men definitely didn’t (only speaking in man because was repressing feelings 4 women). But finally ppl started liking me at 21/22. Was feeling good and confident, and putting my worth in ppl who thought I was pretty because it was constant affirmations that I was desirable and wanted and that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of since I was a kid.

My brain always put this scarcity mindset Idea and anxious attachment together. A lot of ppl like to blame anxious attachment on parental styles but I’m 90% sure there are us girlies who have that style due to the constant want/need of validation. We finally have someone who likes us? We HAVE to hold on because what if it never happens again? What if this is a one time off thing? No one else may be attracted to me. It’s unfortunate to think that way but it’s real out here 😭 so that’s what’s wrong with me.

All to say, this impacts even communications with potential partners. Having to confront them about things that stress u out is particularly hard because it feels like you’re on constant thin ice/will be rejected at any moment. All u want to do is be accommodating and understanding and as u can imagine this can be super problematic in relationships. Like “oh, I have a super super big issue in our relationship but I will put up with it even if it destroys me because I’m scared you’ll leave me”… that is not normal!

Ahhhh, I’m done!! I be thinking !!!!!!

P.S. I will say the rationalizing is helping with my insecurities surrounding relationships and things. Slowly realizing that all of this is fucked up. Ppl have fucked me up. I feel fucked up and unloveable because I have these issues. But if I look back at the source of it all, I can grasp what the fuck is going on lol. And rationalizing is helping me with recognizing. I’m slowly realizing, I am kinda pretty lol and ppl are physically attracted to me and I’ve just dealt with mean kids, societal beauty standards, ppl just not being that into me and that’s okay, amongst other things. It will take a long while to be convinced ppl like mg personality however… That is probably my deepest deepest insecurity and I can’t imagine getting over that within the next 5 yrs unfortunately. Even though I require the absolute bare minimum from ppl, I have been rejected and made to feel like I am too much :(((