#farquaad x shrek

[terribletaletime]

Neko-napped

•

Farquaad put on his suit and tie, preparing for another awful day as a teacher. God, his students were ungrateful brats. He'd teach and teach but they never once paid attention to him, though. Not unless he hat his hat off, and that was only to laugh at him. You see, Farquaad was cursed with a great shame. His mother really pissed off a bitch of a witch and she cursed him with two little cat ears. It made him a freak his entire life and, much like his classroom, he was always either ignored or laughed at. He never found his person, he never found a friend or a lover who could just look past it all and accept him endlessly. Not even his own parents loved him unconditionally. They never once looked him in the eyes. He was an outcast, and he had to confront this reality every time he looked in the mirror. How pathetic.

Shrek hid behind a bush. If he made the slightest movement, Farquaad would know he was there. He couldn't let that happen. No, everything had to be perfect. He watched every movement Farquaad made from the view of his kitchen and Livingroom windows. God, did his heart swell every time he had looked at Farquaad. He was his teacher, and from the moment he saw him he had fallen in love. Shrek, too, was an outcast. Ogre's were seen as filthy violent beasts, and the idea that one could ever be smart enough to be educated was a joke. He had fought his way to get to college, and the millisecond he had stepped on campus he was met with resistance and laughter from both his peers and teachers. Farquaad, however, always treated him right.

The small man walked outside of his home and locked the door. He secured his hat on tightly and started to make his way past his bushes and towards his car door when suddenly he was tackled. He resisted and struggled, but the weight and strength of the large man restrained him. He was tied up with thick scratchy rope and a chloroform rag was put over his mouth. He shook his head and tried to hold his breath, but ultimately it was a useless struggle as he eventually succumbed to the gas-induced slumber.

Farquaad woke up cold and wet. He looked around and saw that he was in a dank and closed off basement. There was a water leak above him, probably from faulty plumbing (do you have plumbing problems like Shrek? Call Pete's Hard Pipes! He'll fix up your pipes real good, for only $12.78 every 30 minutes he's on the job! It's a steal! Quite literally a steal! Every material we use to fix up your house we robbed from you the night before. So, really, you pay us to get your pipes back. Call now, and for fucks sake don't even slightly get the idea to call the cops because we'll have a guy come break your kneecaps!). The light was dim, so he couldn't see perfectly but he could see the vague outlines of the things around him. He was laying atop a large bed with soft comforters and pillows, there was a large cough with a tv sitting right in front of it, there were posters and paintings all along the wall likely to try to make it seem less-threatening than it actually was, there was a toilet with a room divider next to it, and there was a dining table with two chairs. One of the chairs had chains and cuffs all around it.. He saw a camera in the corner with a dim light shining onto him. It seemed to be the only light source around.

"Hey!" He called out, desperate for help. "Hey where am I?" He tried to move, but suddenly realized that he was chained up.

"Shit, what's going on here?" He saw the door on the top of the stairs open, and out came a tall, fat, and green ogre. He quickly recognized it as Shrek, the only student who actually listens to what he has to say.

"Shrek, is that you? What are you doing here? What... what am I doing here? Surely this is all a misunderstanding, right?" Farquaad let out a nervous chuckle.

"Oh Fara, my love, you are so truly naïve. Can't you see what I've built for you?"

Shrek flicked a light switch and there the room was revealed in full view. Everything he had seem before was now illuminated, and he started to realize the small details. The bedding was exactly the same as what he had at home. The posters and paintings he had were all of media that he liked and places that he had been to. Even the dining table and couch was the same as what he had at home.

"What... how..." Shrek bent down to be at the same level of the now quivering and confused man. He put his hand on Farquaad's mouth and shushed him. He then moved his hand towards Farquaad's cheek and gently caressed it.

"Beautiful," Shrek said. "You're beautiful in every way." Farquaad pulled his head back.

"Don't fucking touch me! Listen, Shrek. I respect you as a student, sure, but this? Shrek this is insane. You have to let me go, I wont tell anyone. I swear on my life, Shrek, I'll keep this between us. Besides, you've got this delusion in your head I'm somehow beautiful but you don't even know me. Not really. This will all be for nothing if you truly did, so let's quit while we're ahead, yeah?" Shrek seemed to get angry at this statement.

"Why would you EVER say something as shameful as that? You are the love of my life! You are the most beautiful man I've ever seen!"

"No, I'm not! I'm shameful, if only you knew! Maybe they're all right, maybe Ogre's really are morons because you can't even understand a simple fact that I'm nothing more than a freak!" Shrek took a step back, completely shocked at the fact that the person he worshipped had turned on him. He looked at Farquaad with disgust and started to walk away. Fearful that if he went away he may never come back, Farquad called out to Shrek.

"Wait- I, uh, I'm... I'm sorry. It isn't you, Shrek. It's me. I've got a secret that, well, I've done everything I could to hide it but people always find out and people always leave  me for it. You're not the moron, I am. I shouldn't have taken my fear of you turning on me out on you." Shrek stopped in hid tracks and he turned around, his face riddled with pity.

"Everyone always looks down on me," Shrek said. "But you never did. You always believed in me in class. You would help me with assignments, give me extensions, and call on me when I raised my hand. I've tried to talk to people before, to love them. Every time I go to meet someone, they run away. I couldn't let that happen with yo. My heart swells at the very thought of you. So, I've been watching you every day. I've been studying every little thing I could about you so that way I could know exactly how to make you happy. Farquaad, I know your secret. I've been seeing you from your windows every day. Your ears don't scare me. The only thing that scares me is the thought of you ever looking down on yourself, the thought that you think that you don't deserve any love."

Farquaad started to tear up and turned his head away. Why, why did he feel this way? Shrek gently removed his hat and stroked Farquaad's cat ears with tender love and care. Shrek was his captor, he was the enemy. He was supposed to do everything he could to run away and hide. Yet, all he wanted to do right now was to be with Shrek. For the first time in his life he was unconditionally loved. In fact, he was so loved that Shrek risked everything to build a small life together. Maybe, just maybe, this sick fate was their destiny. Maybe something as deprived like this was perfect for two freaks. Farquaad leaned in and kissed Shrek. Nothing had ever felt more right in either of their lives.

It had been three months of the two of them living together. They had fallen into a routine. They wake up, Shrek makes them a breakfast they share together, Shrek leaves to go to class and to work, he comes back, Shrek makes them lunch, they watch TV together for a few hours, make out a bit or maybe even go further, eat dinner, and then cuddle before dozing off to sleep. It was perfect. To both of them, it was their fairytale dream life. However, what neither of them realized is that their happy ending would soon come to a crashing halt. Shrek had just come home from class when he seemed agitated. 

"What's wrong, love?" Farquaad asked. They had spent enough time together to know the subtle bodily hints to tell when the other is upset.

"We have a problem. They're coming."

"What are you talking about, Shrek?" Shrek sighed as he sat down on their bed.

"I've never told you this, but the university reported you missing about two months ago. They've been investigating it ever since. Once I found that out, I bought a police radio scanner for my car and... I heard over the radio that they're coming. They figured out exactly what I've done and they're on their way. They're going to separate us, we'll never be together again."

"No, NO! They can't do that. Surely there's a way around this. I'll testify! We can say it was all some sort of weird fetish thing, right? They have to believe that, right?" Shrek let out a wry chuckle.

"They'll never believe that my love. There is a way for us to be together forever, though." Shrek pulled out a pistol from his pocket.

"With this, we die together. In our each other's arms, we will be eternally joined. They can't take that away from us." The sirens started to become audible.

"Okay," Farquaad said without hesitation. Let's do this."

Shrek hugged Farquaad as tightly as possible. They both started to sob siflty as they felt the warm embrace of the other. Shrek kissed Farquaad's head and pulled the trigger. His lover's brain splattered all over his face, bedding, and the walls. He cried even harder, and pointed the gun towards his head.

"Here's to forever."

[bonecarversbestie]

The King of Hybern is, in fact, Lord Farquaad.

[picsani]

[I wanted to make a short post at first but then it evolved into a fanfic lmao enjoy♡]

Now that I think about it...

If you were a damsel in distress,Jack would come to save you HIMSELF.

That man fears nothing and the movie proves that he doesn't let his men do all the work,he is quite capable.

Jack is a man who wants only the best so he'd go for a princess or noblewoman.

Like Lord Farquaad.

By saving you himself,his reputation would also benefit from it(and make him more known among people).

You,of course,are unaware of the rescue mission.

You've been held captive in a nasty dungeon for quite some time and long for someone to come and rescue you.

And finally... it happens.

You are suddenly startled by distant screams and sounds of explosions.

"What the heck is happening?!" You think.

After minutes of chaos,everything is silent again.

You hear the sound of footsteps growing closer.

The cellar's door loudly bursts open,your view is blocked by thick magical smoke and sparkles.

Did a frigging wizard come to save you??

You spot a large figure slowly coming out of the smoke and you start worrying again.

A giant? Or is it a demon?!

The smoke dissipates and you finally get a clear view of your saviour:

It's a very tall and large man,well dressed and goofy looking.

He coughs a bit and says "Ugh,I might have overdid with bombs and magic stuff..."

He walks up to you and easily opens the gates using a magic staff,setting you free.

"Come on,let's go!" He says without even looking at you.

"W-Wait!" You say,still a little shaken.

He turns around with a groan,noticing the chains on your wrists.

"Oh yeah...give me a sec"

Aiming at the chains with the staff,he shoots them,making them explode into little flowers.

You caress your wrists and quietly say to the man "Thank you... for saving me,I am quite-"

"Yeah yeah,let's go now there's no time to lose" he says with an annoyed tone.

You feel a large hand on your back,firmly pushing you to the exit.

"H-Hey! Where are we going?!"

"To my luxurious mansion,it should be all set by now..." he smirks proudly.

"Ummmm,set for what...?" You start sweating.

"For our wedding,duh! You are one VERY lucky woman,you know?

You are going to be the wife of an important man,many would love to be in your place"

He laughs to himself as you two walk up the stairs.

You follow the strange man in silence,still processing what had just happened.

You intently stare at his back,wondering many things about him.

"This is madness...!" You say to yourself.

A growing feeling of curiosity starts taking over you;

You find this goofy looking man absolutely bizzare! Yet you can't wait to know more about him...

[ladywatereton]

✨20 years Shrek 2✨

🎥 Shrek 2 (2004).

🎶 Holding Out For A Hero, Jennifer Saunders.

[jamalgripperton46290]

MEGA Smut-Shots Masterlist

The Sharpest Tool In The Shed (Shrek x Lord Farquaad)

Getting Freaky On a Friday Night (Pico x Boyfriend)

The Wall Around Our Love (Donald Trump x Elmo)

Banging Into You (Bing x Bang)

Above and Beyond (Kwazii x Peso)

A Juicy Big Mac, Please (Ronald McDonald x Kurger Bing)

A Warm Welcome (Cookie Monster x Elmo)

Sweet Puddin' (Harley Quinn x The Joker)

The Suffocating Scent Of Lust (Joe Biden x Donald Trump)

[yourneighborhoodstalker]

Hidden Intimacy

Requested by: anika.jar on Instagram

Pairing: Shrek x Sonic, Sonic x Barack Obama Genre: crack, romance, angst, comedy. Summary: Shrek is heart-broken from what Sonic has done to him. WARNING: crack (nothing is serious at all), randomness, cheating(?), heartbreak, and many mentions of fecal matter.

It was a lovely, rainy day during the summer. Shrek was casually watering the plants outside… Even though it was raining. He was wearing absolutely, almost, nothing. So the rain droplets had travelled down his chest and to his chisled abs. The only thing keeping him from being completely exposed and vulnerable is the skirt he had put on for his lovely partner, Sonic.

He was humming the 3 Musketeers anthem while smoothly swaying his hips on beat. "bAbY cAlL mY pHonE tRyNa BlOw HeR TaX cHeCk. CALL ME A NYMPHO 'CAUSE I LIKE GOOD SEX-" Then a Koko Bandicooties plush toy from the typical MagDonal's Sad Meal was thrown at his beautiful right ear. His head flew to the left so far that his brains blew out.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" He screams out and quickly gets up to gather the contents of his skull.

"SHUT THE FACK UP." His stupid, drunk, handsome neighbour, Fred Jones, yelled out at him through his window of his pink house.

"Oh! Hi Freddie!"

"Shut the halk up. You ain't no lover of mine."

"What about that ONE time in the janitor's closet at school 3500000000000 years ago-"

"That was a LONG time ago. Leave me the fack alone!"

Fred closes his window. From behind, as Shrek could see. there was Velma standing up and kissing Fred in the most nastiest way ever that Shrek could've thrown up on his newly grown tulips. "cough whore cough" He rolls his eyes and continues watering his plants.

He looks up and sighs in content. He smiles slightly and opens his mouth to taste the rain because who wouldn't? The scent of the rain smelled… off. He swished some rain water in his mouth and swallowed it. "… Oh. That's piss."

Shrek then heard a crash inside of his home due to his beautiful ears. He dropped his watering can and ran inside. He ran into the kitchen and grabbed the nearest kitchen tool he could lay his hands on; the tongs.

He hears more noises coming from upstairs, to which he proceeded to slowly, quietly, and carefully walk up the stairs. He held the tool up in caution. On the way up, he looks at the family pictures of his family.

There was him and Sonic. Happily smiling at the camera while standing on Lord Farquaad's grave. He sighs a bit, reminiscing about the good ol' days when Sonic didn't spend so much time at work.

They had their wedding in coolsville's graveyard where Lord Farquaad was buried after Shrek had ate him. Only his bones remained in the casket; they were as clean as Shrek's kitchen.

He remembers the romantic moment when Sonic and Shrek had pulled down their underwears and shit on his grave. The minister, Ryuk, had gathered the shit in his hands and mix them together, creating a bond, unbreakable.

"I announce you… Ogre and Hedgehog!" He announced, holding up into the sun to let it get blessed by their wonderful god, Mike Wazowski. The bright, green light illuminated onto the shit and slowly faded away, leaving it blessed and sparkly. Everyone- which was 3-5 people- clapped and cheered for them. Shrek and Sonic look at each other with such love in their eyes and dug their faces into the fecal matter.

Shrek sighed from the memory that he almost forgot that he might be potentially robbed! He snapped out of it and continued his travel. He saw the bedroom door slightly open. He gulped and slowly opened it to see… Sonic and BARACK OBAMA eating each other's biscuits over their tea table.

He gasped loudly, dropping the tongs. Sonic and Barack look up quickly and stand up. Sonic's cheeks have been flushed and Barack's tie is hung loosely around his neck. They were all speechless and just standing there, staring at each other in shock.

"Shrek! My dream machine!" Sonic exclaimed, putting his hands up. Shrek felt his heart pound against his chest that you could even see it.

"Squishy boo-boo on the choo choo… I can explain-"

"NO! You are with HIM?! Over OUR tea table?!"

Shrek screamed out, tears running down his round cheeks, glistening them. "WHAT HAPPENED TO US?! THIS IS OUR TABLE! You… You…" Sonic rapidly shook his head in desperation.

"Shrek. Babycakes. NO!-"

"YOU FUCKING WHOOOOREEEEEEEEE!"

Sonic gasped and fell back at the very words that had came out of Shrek's mouth. He was so shocked that Sonic's dress flew off. "OMG Sonicky!" Barack exclaimed and tried to run to him to help him but then the chair had caught his pants and ripped it, making him fall and land hard with the loudest thud known to mankind.

"YOU FUCKING LIAR. YOU TRAITOR. Alexa, play Traitor by Olivia Rodrigo." There was a beep heard and then humming of a specific song was starting to play.

Sonic slowly sits up, holding his chest. "Shrekky… please… don't do this…" He croaked out

"G-Green guilty eyes and… little blue lies-" Shrek sobs out, kneeling down a bit and holding his chest. "Shrek…" Sonic whimpered out, weakly reaching out to him.

Suddenly, Shrek shoots up and roars loudly. It makes the chimney of the house fall off and it lands on Velma- who was sneaking out of Fred's dog door. She died.

Waterfalls of green tears cascade down Shrek's cheeks as he screams and cries. His eyes glow a bright yellow. "SHREK?!"

Barack groans as he slowly sits up. "Sonicky…" He moans out pathetically, clinging onto his leg. Sonic shakes him off and stands up, watching his husband in fear.

Shrek's chest then illuminates a green glow. A swampy odor begins to diffuse throughout the house. Sonic inahles deeply and sighs lovingly. "Shrek…" Barack sniffs and immediately faints due to how amazing it smells.

Shrek's screams turned high-pitched and he explodes into green glitter and sparkles. It was so bright Sonic could've sworn he was blinder than before.

"AHHH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sonic screams, falling to his knees. He crawls over and gathers the glitter. "NOOOOOO HIS ASHES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BROWN!" He sobs and snorts it up in honour of his husband.

A bright yellow light comes from above. Sonic looks up, his tears drenching into his fur. In the light, he sees the face of the god, Mike Wazowski. "M-Master Mike Wazowski…?" He whimpers out, inhaling some of the glitter into his nose.

"Shrek shall be passed onto Hell until you die and you pass onto Hell and you guys can be homosexual lovebirds together and be reborn." He states in his holiness. "R-Really? You would do that?" Mike Wazowski nods his eye. "O-Okay… It's okay if I have some little Shrek in me, right? I accidentally-" He sniffs, wiping his nose. "-snorted him up." The holy god stays quiet. "Sure thing pal." The light backs up. "Bada-bing, bada-boom-boom-boom!" He exclaims and the light fills the house.

Sonic gasps. looking around. "I… I feel… I feel so light! I can feel it! I can feel it in my buss-" Then he fainted.

Sonic blinks his eyes open and sees white everywhere. "Oh Mike… It's so white here…" He mutters. "I know. Pretty racist place huh." Sonic lets out the smallest, cutest gasp that would put anyone in awe. He slowly turns and sees… "Shrekky…?"

[shylock-fredericks]

I LOVE SHREK

[reinapantera]

Big Jack Horner hides with Isabella from Lord Farquaad

And yes I made Lord Farquaad at ZEPETO come find us there 🤪

#Lordfarquaad #shrek #dreamworks

z3p.me/aDMWsX

#bigjackhorner #jackhorner #pussinboots #shareart #nsfw #instaadult #pussinbootsthelastwish #artmoots #thelastwish #littlejacknorner #dreamworks #sketch #digitalart #reinapantera

[shrekslittlefart]

Guys, go check out the BRAND NEW chapter 9 of "Shrek Takes a Giant Shit On Mrs. Louise's Desk", on Wattpad!! This wonderful chapter is packed chalk-full of scrumptious suspense, sweet sounding situations, action-packed adventure, ravenous romance, and much, much more! This is for sure the most stupendous, breathtaking chapter out of all the ones that have been published so far! We sincerely hope you have as much fun reading this, as we had writing it! The link is in our bio. (this was totally not written because the authors were extremely bored and were desperate to laugh at something)

[gor3-hound]

HEY NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR - LEON S. KENNEDY

ft. leon kennedy x fem!reader

a/n: commission for the lovely @nexysworld :3 ft. my fave creation, shrekeon. you guys are in for a treat trust me x

cw: 18+ content, fluff, depictions of alcohol, drunk!leon, dressing up, costume sex, p in v, creampie, bad puns, laughing during sex, implied age gap, size difference + size kink

word count: 1.7k words

In hindsight, introducing your boyfriend to Shrek was definitely not in your top ten for stupid ideas. You'd told him it was a crime to be nearly forty without seeing the movie – and rightfully so. He was an old man at heart, barely having seen a movie past the nineties. You thought you were righting an injustice. Shrek was a movie for everyone, no matter their age. It held up, even years later. You were pretty sure everyone had seen this movie, but then again, your boyfriend could barely even work a smartphone, so you shouldn't be entirely surprised.

The only thing you hadn't quite anticipated how much he'd like it. Leon spent most of the movie cackling like a maniac. Whether that was from the half-bottle of whiskey he downed or the movie itself, you weren't sure. Either way, what was meant to be a light-hearted movie night led you to where you were now – tipsy and laughing at your boyfriend's Shrek getup in his bedroom at nearly midnight.

When you finally manage to catch your breath, you let your eyes trail over to the costume he had laid out on the bed for you. Sexy Farquaad. That alone is enough to send you into another fit of giggles, your brows raising as you look over at him.

“Leon? We are so breaking up.” Your hands lift up the red costume, your eyes flicking between Leon, then back at the outfit. You eye up the wig, barely managing to suppress a smile. Idiot. “Shouldn't I at least be Fiona?”

“Shut up.” He says between drunken giggles, adjusting the headband on his head so it sits properly, grinning at you as the green ears poke out through his hair. “You're smaller. Farquaad suits you, babe. You can pull anythin’ off.”

Your gaze flicks over to Leon as he adjusts the headband, and you can't help but snort out a laugh, letting your gaze trail his body to take in the whole outfit. Fake belly and everything. You don't even wanna know how much he paid for the costumes. Drunk Leon should not be allowed anywhere near a computer. His spending habits while intoxicated seemed to be getting worse and worse. “Jesus. There's no way you're not pulling my leg.”

“I'm being so serious. You don't wanna make me mad, baby, or it'll… it'll be ogre for you.”

Another laugh, and you reach up to playfully flick one of his ears, shaking your head. “I hate you. You're ridiculous.”

“You gotta give me love’s first kiss to get me back to Leon, baby. If you don't, I'm gonna be stuck like this.” He says with a grin, leaning towards you with his lips puckered. “Don't make me do the accent.”

“God. Please, not the accent.” You say between giggles, looping your arms around his neck to tug him closer, a stupid smile gracing your features. “I'll do anything you want, just please, not the accent.”

“Anything, huh? You gonna put on that sexy ‘lil costume for me?” He murmurs, leaning forward to kiss you. His lips meet yours as he places his hands on your waist, tugging you closer to his body. His tongue brushes against your lower lip until you part them, but then he's pulling away from you.

“Leon? What… come on, babe.” You whine, leaning forward in an attempt to kiss him, but he's quick to place a finger against your chest to stop you from advancing further, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face.

“Not a chance, sweetheart. I didn't get all dressed up for you to take it easy. You want me to dive into that swamp of yours? Costume goes on.”

You shoot him a glare that can only be described as murderous, but all he does is grin wider, looking between the costume and you. With a dramatic sigh, you pick up the costume and make your way towards the bathroom with the plan of changing into it. When you return to the bedroom, Leon's lounging back casually on the bed with his arms behind his bed, still in the Shrek outfit. He lets out a low whistle, tilting his head to the side.

“Damn. You're looking shreksy, babe.”

“No.” You reply quickly, making your way over to the bed.

“Shrektacular?” 

“Absolutely not.”

“Work with me here, angel. I only have so many Shrek puns at my disposal, y'know?” He says cheekily, patting his lap. Another deep, irritated exhale leaves you as you settle, placing your palms firmly on his chest.

“Atta girl. Red might be your colour. Hottest evil little Lord I've ever seen.” He teases, his hands coming up to adjust the hat resting atop your head. He lets out a soft giggle once more, his eyes trailing down your body. His hands reach up to thread through your hair, and then he's pulling you into another kiss.

It doesn't take you long to get into it, the taste of whiskey filling your mouth as his tongue sloppily meets yours as he licks into your mouth. He pulls you closer so you're pressed flush against him, his hips rocking up against you. He slowly starts to harden, his hands grasping your hips to make you grind down against him.

Your little moans are swallowed by his mouth as he kisses you hungrily, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip. He reaches between your legs, grabbing the fabric of the costume and tearing it open, just enough for him to be able to slip a few fingers past the cloth to gather your wetness before circling your sensitive nub.

He pulls away from the kiss to catch his breath, pulling his hand away to pull the brown trousers down enough to free his cock. He gives it a few languid pumps before lining up with your entrance, sinking into your tight heat with a low groan of pleasure.

“Thought you weren't into this, baby? ‘Cause you acted like it, but you're soaking me already, and I haven't even started fucking you yet.” He breathes out, his brows furrowing as he leisurely starts to thrust up into you.

All you can manage is a low whine, your hands grasping the brown vest of his costume, your head hanging as you feel his cock rub against your sweet spot, the hat falling off your head and dropping on the bed next to the both of you. “Leon… shut… shut up.”

“Aww, sweetheart. You don't like it when a big, strong ogre explores all your… fuck… layers?” He huffs out, his voice coming out a little breathless as he grabs your waist. His large hands grip you easily, using his strength to drag you up and down on his cock, controlling the pace of each of your movements.

You let out an annoyed whine, your eyes squeezing shut as you bounce your hips against his, trying to focus on the familiar feeling of your boyfriend's cock filling you up. You feel him shaking slightly, and you crack your eyes open only to see the asshole is trying to suppress another fit of laughter at your reaction.

“You are such a dick.” You grunt, grinding his cock deep inside of you until you hear Leon gasp and moan, the smirk instantly getting wiped from his face. You smile in triumph, but it's short-lived as he finds yet another pun to annoy you with.

“Better in you than out - that's what I always say.” Your hips falter as you groan, and Leon uses that as an opportunity to flip both of you over, hooking your ankles over his shoulders so he can pound you into the mattress. The cushion of the fake stomach smacks against your thighs with every thrust, and Leon's fake ears become skewed as he throws his head back in pleasure.

He seems to forget all about feeding you shitty puns as he buries himself to the hilt with every thrust, the new position allowing him to kiss your cervix every time he pushes forward. He can barely think with your cunt sucking him in, drenching him with your arousal. All you can do is whimper as he pistons into you, your body jerking up with the strength of his movements. Your hands come up to grip his shoulders, your nails digging into the fabric of the white shirt he's wearing.

“Leon… m'close…” You breathe out, your back arching off the bed. He lets out a deep moan in response, pressing his hips flush against your ass so he can grind his pelvis against your clit, giving you the extra simulation needed to push you over the edge. You cry out his name as you cum, your walls clenching down around his length. 

Leon pulls back slightly to thrust shallowly into you a few more times before he follows behind you, his release making his thighs tremble slightly. He shoots thick white ropes of cum deep into your tight walls, his breaths coming out in short gasps. He collapses against you after a moment, his cock softening inside of you before he pulls out, tucking you against his side.

“This costume is making me sweat.” He grunts after a few moments of cuddling up to you, pressing his lips to your forehead before standing up, his joints cracking as he stretches. He holds out a hand towards you, giving you a slightly sleepy smile. 

“C'mon, my little all-star. Let's get you in the bath. Maybe we can cuddle up after, and you can show me Shrek 2 tonight?” At the sight of you face palming, he lets out a loud chuckle, slipping his arms under your body so he can cradle you against his chest, carrying you over to the bathroom.

“C'mon, baby. I promise not to dress up as Shrek again. Maybe next time I'll be real nice and get that prince's costume.” He teases, pressing another kiss to your forehead. You pull your hands away from your face to glare at him, and he gives you a grin that you know means trouble. “Just kidding, sweetheart.”

You both know he isn't.

[saintzweig]

challengers x reader halloween headcanons

– happy halloween!! i wanted to write something cute with the trio so here! (can be platonic or romantic idk) enjoy!!!

ꢾ꣒ i feel like tashi would love carnivals and horror houses, patrick would agree almost immediately but it takes a while for them to convince you and art.

ꢾ꣒ "it's literally just a decorated house with people acting like ghosts, it's not that big of a deal. here, i'll go first, okay? just stay behind me"

ꢾ꣒ tashi holds your hand and takes the lead, smiling when she feels you hide your face behind her shoulder. feeling you tense up at the smallest sounds, shielding your body during jumpscares.

ꢾ꣒ art would be screaming every second, literally crouching down and cover his ears everytime there's a jumpscare and of course patrick's there to laugh at him

ꢾ꣒ patrick would be dapping up the scare actors, "yo what's up, you see that blonde dude over there? can you follow him around and scare the shit out of him?"

ꢾ꣒ or he'd do it himself, circling back to hide behind a post then jump out to scare his poor friend. one time he accidentally scared a random child and made it cry.

ꢾ꣒ patrick would love going to drive in theatres and doing horror movie marathons. after the second movie, he'd sneak up on a few cars and jumpscare them because he's a dick.

ꢾ꣒ tashi would buy shit ton of candies to share with you and art, usually twizzlers or sour patch. she'd be focusing on the movies and talking shit about the characters and their idiocy, claiming she can do better (let's face it, she probably can)

ꢾ꣒ you and art are in the backseat, barely paying attention to the screen. you're either yapping your ass off or falling asleep, his head on your shoulder or your head on his lap while he plays with your hair.

ꢾ꣒ art loves trick or treats!!! he'd invite the group over for a sleepover on halloween night just so he can give out candies to kids in costumes (because of course no one would do that on campus dorms)

ꢾ꣒ everytime someone rings the doorbell, he'd jump up and run over to the door with a smile, gasping when he opens the door. "hey there little guy, you're spiderman?! he's my favorite superhero!!! here, take all of the candy"

ꢾ꣒ patrick would take a ghostface mask he found randomly inside the house, go outside and run after some kids. he claims halloween should be scary and kids should have the full experience.

ꢾ꣒ you and tashi would be in the kitchen baking halloween themed cookies, most of the flour is on the floor or on your face instead of the bowl.

ꢾ꣒ the four of you would pass out in the living, having ate too many sweets. you and tashi on the couch while the boys are sprawled out on the floor. the tv still on playing a random horror film.

ꢾ꣒ the three knows how much you love dressing up for parties so you start planning your costumes in advance, always having a theme because you love coordinating costumes.

ꢾ꣒ tashi would suggest sports figures (wbk), patrick wants something sexy (he wants to see you in a playboy bunny costume) and art, being the sweet boy he is, would go along with whatever you want.

ꢾ꣒ last year, you all went as shrek characters which was jokingly suggested by patrick (because you wouldn't accept his sexy nurse suggestion). tashi was fiona, art was shrek, you were lord farquaad and patrick was donkey (he got a onesie and called it a day).

ꢾ꣒ this year, you wanted to go as sanrio characters (which patrick complained about) but complied nonetheless. tashi was okay with it and art found it really cute. you dressed up as my melody, tashi as kuromi, art as pompompurin and patrick as badtz-maru

[yelspyder]

hi can you are gwen and miles (separate) x fem reader headcanons with a short s/o?

˚‧⁺.-“I’m just compact and ridiculously adorable”

↳ summary: them w/ a short S/O

↳ characters: (separately) Miles Morales, Gwen Stacy

↳ Fem! Reader

↳ notes: ugh, i will never be able to put into words how much i love gwen and miles. they two are just so asjfjddkdkddkd anyway, thanks for asking and hope you like it!

Miles Morales

Miles would find your height difference cute, after all, it was all the more reason he could praise you. This boy would be wanting to hug you all the time, but it's not his fault you're so cute, your size just makes it easier for him to hug you.

He would give you a ride on his back whenever you wanted, after all, he is your hero. No arguments, he would just agree and carry you like a princess, not to mention that he wouldn't do it out of obligation or anything like that, but because he loves seeing your stupid smile and gremlin laughs on your face whenever he carries you on his back.

Miles might not always be there due to his duties as spider-man, but whenever he is, he makes sure he treats you like a princess and always compliments your height, listing all the perks and assuring you that he loves that about you. He would 100% compare the size of your hands, and he would definitely die from cuteness inside.

He always emphasizes your height in the drawings and sketches he makes of you in a good way. He doesn't accept that your drawings are less than perfect, and that includes being true to your height, after all you are perfect in his eyes.

If you were sad or unsure about your height, Miles will wrap you in a blanket burrito and have a conversation about how awesome you are and should see it like him, followed by a movie session with snacks and sweets. In the end, your self-esteem would be high (at least for a while) because, come on, this is Miles we're talking about and we know he's the best "psychologist" out there.

Gwen Stacy

Gwen would tease you a bit about your height, but nothing to offend you of course. If she saw that you were uncomfortable with her teasing, she would immediately go over and give you a few hugs as an apology.

She thinks it's super cute how you depend on her to get something from the top shelf, so she always leaves a few jars on the top shelves so you have to ask her for help. Whenever you asked for help, she would arrive with a teasing smile on her face as she helped you, but the tables turned as soon as you dropped a quick peck on her lips and called her 'my hero' dramatically, she would turn into a puddle of shyness.

If you found this whole teasing funny and even joined in on the joke, Gwen would definitely joke about how you look like Lord Farquaad from Shrek. The next day, you showed up on her doorstep in a badly done cosplay of him and it became a meme between the two of you.

She always finds all the teasing amusing, but if anyone else does it, especially in a mean way, she quickly becomes aggressive. It wouldn't escalate into a physical fight, but she would have a private "friendly" conversation with them and, if they continued, the ghost-spider who would deal with them.

Even though Gwen says you're small (she's not wrong here), all she wants to do after a long day is hug you. Due to your size, she would be the big spoon most of the time, holding you does decompress her tense muscles, but she doesn't mind, and even prefers, to be held when she needs comfort. Hearing you talk about your day as she hugs you does wonders for Gwen.

[ed-nygma]

This is a real Christmas advertisement. 

[nevarroes]

Imagine a Shrek AU where Gortash is Shrek & Cas is Fiona

gortcas shrek au would be lord farquaad x prince charming yaoi actually

[ilyasorokinn]

thank the donkey , ross macdonald

note, okay, originally, there was going to be a big halloween series, but i couldn't think of anything that really spoke to me and i wasn't inspired, but i was inspired to write for ross. so, this is my contribution to the holiday. this is my new personality trait, get used to it. also, lmk if you like this little family because i do and would like to write more if you'd want to see it :) another note, i tried to find photos of the costumes but couldn't so please just use your imagination :) last note, dedicating this to vee (@abiiors)! i was inspired by your dad!ross, so in my world, ross is also a girl dad and names his daughters after flowers lol love ya <3 pair, ross macdonald x reader summary, poppy macdonald is upset her dad is working on halloween. her dad is even more upset he has to work. so, he does the best he can to make the night special for her. warnings, kids/children word count, 1240 words (a little short, i know. but i promise it's sweet!)

(gif not mine)

Halloween, no matter how old you were, was your favorite holiday. When you were growing up, most of the other kid's favorite holiday was Christmas, not you. Maybe it was that your parents went all out, or maybe it was that they let you eat all the candy you wanted, but it left a lasting mark on you.

So, when you had your first daughter, her second Halloween (the first you really celebrated with her), you went all out. You and Ross dressed up as poppies and Poppy was a gardener. She had no idea what was going on but she found it hilarious that her parents were wearing weird big flower things on their heads.

Now, Poppy was four, and her little sister, Willow, was 10 months old. Poppy had inherited your love for Halloween and by August had her Halloween costume planned. She wanted to match with you and Ross which made you a little sad, knowing that Ross would have to work on Halloween.

When you did tell her he was working, she was sad but her mood brightened a little when you told her she could still dress up for the show.

She was very adamant about being Donkey from Shrek, so you did your best to make that happen. The band loved the idea of Shrek, so they each decided to follow in your daughter's footsteps and dress up as a different character and assigned themself different characters.

Poppy was Donkey, Willow would be Puss in Boots, Gabbriette would be the Fiona to your Shrek, Matty would be Lord Farquaad while George, Adam, and Ross would be the Three Blind Mice. John would be the Dragon, Jamie would be Pinocchio, Polly would be the Big Bad Wolf and Gabrielle would be the Fairy Godmother.

Poppy was completely oblivious to everyone's costumes and was just excited to get to dress up and eat candy all night.

On the day, you walked around Detroit and got her some candy from a couple of stores that were handing it out before you headed over to the arena for soundcheck, one of Poppy's favorite parts of the concerts. She got to go on stage and dance around with her uncle and dad.

Before the show, after Ross helped you dress the girls, and after he'd left to get himself ready, Gabbriette came in and watched the girls briefly while you got ready, and took pictures of you and the girls before Willow started to cry. You soothed her then slipped headphones onto both her and Poppy. Poppy's headphones had a pair of donkey ears glued on and Willow's had a pair of cat ears.

You heard the intro to the opening song and held Poppy's hand as you walked to the side of the stage where you watched the show. Willow sat in the baby Bjorn comfortably and watched from the stage with wide eyes.

"Mommy." Poppy gasped when she saw the band dressed up as the characters from her favorite movie.

"I know." You gasped with the same enthusiasm as you bent down to her level, "Look at Uncle Matty." You giggled with her when she saw what he was wearing.

Ross looked over to the side of the stage and waved at Poppy, who giggled and waved back shyly. Poppy couldn't stop smiling as she looked at the band's costumes.

Somewhere in the middle of the set, Matty finally addressed the crowd and addressed their crazy costumes, "Now, I know we look a little crazy right because we're missing our main characters, but I'll have you know this idea was formed because of my little goddaughter. She loves Shrek, and I mean, who doesn't?" The crowd cheered at that.

"So, the littlest MacDonald is Donkey and her mom is Shrek. Strange, I don't know how we got there, but here we are." He shrugged, keeping everything about your daughter vague because he knew you and Ross didn't want people knowing too much about Poppy or Willow, "So, anyways, everyone thank Donkey for this genius idea." Matty and Ross looked over to the side of the stage where Poppy was beaming at the sound of the cheers.

The rest of the show went on as normal and right before Ross turned off the lights, Poppy ran onto the stage and over to her dad, which sent the crowd into a frenzy because Little MacDonald, Donkey herself, was on stage. The lights were strobing so there wasn't a clear image of her face which was why she was on the stage in the first place.

Ross picked her up and carried her over to the giant light switch that would turn off the lights on the stage. He waited a few seconds before he gave her a nod and she pulled the lever, shutting the lights off on the stage.

He carried her offstage and once she was in the safety wings, she was off and running to greet her uncles and godfather. Ross removed Willow from the Bjorn, surprised that she was still awake because it was way past her bedtime.

Now baby-free, you gladly accepted the drink Gabbriette was handing you, "She's gonna be up a while, isn't she?" Ross asked.

"I'm hoping for a sugar crash," You smiled, watching George pick up Poppy and run around with her like an airplane, "You did amazing tonight, by the way." You nudged him.

"Yeah, I had a donkey and an ogre to impress." He teased.

"I'm gonna save the smack in the head for later because you're holding my baby." You narrowed your eyes at him.

"I love you, too." He wrapped an arm around your shoulder as you followed everyone else into whichever room would be used as the afterparty room.

You rolled your eyes, "I love you, too, even if you're mean to me sometimes." In response, he placed a kiss on your head.

When you made it to the room, Matty was standing outside with Poppy, who was pouting, "Why can't I go in?" She whined.

"It'll ruin the surprise, Pop." He explained, tapping her on the head, "You like surprises, don't you?" She nodded her head enthusiastically, "Then just wait a second." Poppy turned to you and frowned.

"Listen to your uncle, flower," Ross told her. She frowned and crossed her arms, "Just wait a second." He laughed.

A few seconds later, Matty opened the door and nodded over to Poppy, "Cmere." She skipped over to him, gasping when she saw what was in the room.

The best part of Halloween, in any kid's eyes, was trick-or-treating, and everyone knew that Poppy was a little upset she was missing it, so in the biggest room in the arena, everyone spread out with little bags of candy, creating a makeshift version trick-or-treating.

"Here's your bag." Matty handed her a big bag before tapping her on the head once more. She didn't need to be told twice before she was running into the room from person to person, gathering candy.

You looked over at Ross, who was smiling with pride, "You planned this, didn't you?"

"Halloween's her favorite." He shrugged, before producing your favorite candy bar from his pocket, "Like her mother's." He kissed your head again, smiling as Poppy giggled.

"You're amazing, Ross MacDonald, you know that?" You smiled up at him.

"Says you." He nudged you, smiling equally as big and squeezing your shoulder.

-

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[shrekslittlefart]

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