#farm…hand… haha….. joke

[sinningtamer]

little preview of my pieces for @seahorse-collective! it’s a mpreg themed charity zine; go check it out!

[madlittlecriminal]

I dont know if your requests are open but yk yk... I'm here.. for alejandro 🥰 Can I have a little smut with the theme "save a horse ride a cowboy" or basically just the cowboy hat rule...

If you don't know what it is its basically if you take off the hat on a cowboy and out it on your head you have to ride..... a horse!! Haha... that horse being the person you took the hat from

Saving Horses ↠ Cowboy!Alejandro Vargas × Female!Reader

@shadofireshinobi because "Salva un caballo, monta un vaquero" (Save a horse, ride a cowboy)

Warnings: smut, riding, cowboy hat, one mention of rudy because he's also my baby, unprotected p in v

You could lie and say you didn't know how it happened, but you knew exactly how it happened.

You stole his hat as a joke after he took it off from the heat of the Las Almas sun to wipe his sweat off his forehead after cleaning his horse's hooves. When he noticed you running off with his hat, he chuckled and chased after you. "¿Por dónde vas, cariño?" (Where are you going, darling?) You laughed softly before continuing your run, heading towards the barn. When you got there, Alejandro caught up and shook his head as he closed the barndoor. "Give me my hat, cariño." You shook your head and giggled softly. "Why not?"

"Because I said no." Alejandro reached to grab it, but you moved it away from him and he sighed with a smirk. "That's what you want to do?" You shrugged. "Try to get it." You began running down the barn and Alejandro chuckled before chasing you. When you leaned against a wall, he stopped himself and rested his hands on either side of you while looking in your eyes. You smirked before placing the hat on your head. His eyes widened at your action before chuckling.

And that's how you ended up on his cock, grinding your hips against his as he bit his lip. He didn't understand why a few of the men he worked with on the farm said they hated when their partner did it. He and Rudy were the only ones to disagree and say they enjoyed it because as he sat on a bench in the barn, watching you get off with his cock, he was enjoying every second of it. "That's it, baby. Use me." You moaned at his words. "Fuck, Alejandro." He reached up and kissed you, resting his hands on your back. "¿Te gusta?" (You like that?)

You nodded before beginning to bounce. He threw his head back in pleasure and gripped your hips. "Such a good girl, you know that? Always so good for me." You rest your hands on his shoulders as you moaned loudly while still bouncing on him. "Oh god, Alejandro! You feel so good inside me!" He groans and thrusts up into you while letting one of his hands trail down to your clit and playing with it. You gasp out moan as your hands grip his shoulders tightly. "I'm gonna cum!" He nodded. "Go ahead, baby. Cum all over my cock like the good girl you are." You moaned loudly before cumming on his cock.

Alejandro came shortly after, riding out both of your highs and letting you both catch your breaths. "You alright?" He asked while rubbing your back. "Yeah, just the first time I've been fucked by a cowboy like you." He chuckled and pecked your lips softly. "And I'm your cowboy, mi amor." (my love.) He fixed the hat on your head with a soft smile. "Also, I think you should wear my hat more often. You look absolutely breathtaking in it." You snicker before nodding. "I'll keep that in mind."

[curseanon]

The Issue with Eden Polycule

So I wanted to articulate my thoughts on a relationship that ive seen in fandom spaces and lots of fan art or fanfiction. I don’t have any opinions or problems with Adam/Eve/Lucifer/Lilith, but I feel like there are some implications and tropes that we should be more careful about when it comes to Eve/Lucifer/Lilith or even just Eve/Lucifer. Before getting into it though, just a disclaimer: this post is not about polycules in general. It’s not my cup of tea personally, but ship whatever you please! This post is just me rambling about my own thoughts. Feel free to have your own interpretations. ALSO! None of this justifies Adam’s behavior. He is responsible for his decisions, including his cruelty towards people, language, and his decision to essentially wage mass genocide each year. And this post isn’t to say that this relationship drama is the sole reason why he ended up doing exterminations.

1. I don’t really like portrayals that have Lucifer/Lilith (L/L) sleeping with Eve and having her cheat on Adam, especially when it takes place in Eden. I’m afraid Vivzie might have this narrative take place in HH, but doing so does a real disservice to Eve’s (and Lucifer’s if he acted alone) character by having her be willing to cheat, and also does a disservice to Adam by having him be cheated on for reasons that are probably not entirely his fault. Not to mention a lot of media where this happens often has the tone of just “haha let’s cuck Adam twice,” which comes off to me as petty and unfair. Not only is it not a funny joke, but it essentially reinforces and justifies Adam’s misogynistic tendencies later. Especially the ideas that women are promiscuous, always willing to cheat and be unfaithful. The narrative would do nothing to disprove this if BOTH of Adam’s wives did in fact cheat on him.

2. Another thing about Eden. Lilith was Adam’s first wife, literally created for the purpose of being his partner. This is also pre-Apple, meaning that Adam has no concept of right vs wrong. The way he acts, if he truly was controlling and mean and the story book wasn’t exaggerating (which I doubt), is entirely the programming of the angels and the way they tolerate or enable his behavior. Assuming we went with the theory that Adam never ate the apple, it’s the same situation with Eve if she left him and/or cheated with L/L. The way I see it, Lilith’s cheating on Adam is not justified, even if she disagreed with Adam on certain things.

3. I also want to note that cheating on one’s partner is not a justifiable punishment for Adam’s behavior. Whether pre or post apple (now assuming he did eat it), I see it as fighting fire with fire, and all it usually does is create even more hostility and problems than if the person just clearly broke off the relationship first. L/L/E runs the risk of inadvertently encouraging unfaithfulness in relationships and marriages as solutions to a problem, but this is rarely the case. As stated earlier, it only makes Adam justified in acting the way he does. And with that justification, is he really in the wrong for how he treats women? What reason does he have to change his behavior if he is right about them? I could probably accept both wives leaving him if the purpose is to justify Adam’s behavior and not just mock him, to show how morality is not just black and white and the villains sometimes have justifiable reasons for thinking the way they do. But it still seems very shallow on Lilith and Eve’s parts.

4. This part is just my opinion on L/L/E, but I don’t find the idea of Eve getting with the people who caused her to lose Eden very convincing. L/L are the reasons her and Adam were cast out of the garden and made to live for centuries laboring to survive, farming cursed ground and painfully delivering several children. Not to mention the bringing of sin and death into the world, losing Abel at the hands of his brother and Cain being cast away to wander the Earth. All the suffering she faced in life and the suffering of all of her descendants, all of humanity. Her sleeping with Lucifer makes no sense to me unless he seduced her (when she was more naive, maybe even pre-apple) intentionally, either for the purpose of hurting Adam or if he did just love her also, which makes him complicit in ruining someone’s marriage. None of this fits with Lucifer’s character, a malewife who adores his Tall Queen and comes off to me as being very loyal. The idea of open marriage is better, but Adam does not seem like the type of guy who likes to share anything, and his marriage is very clearly between Adam and Eve. That controlling personality indicated by the story book leads me to see him as likely having some jealousy and possessiveness (though not in extreme ways).

5. The only other option is Lucifer sleeping with Eve after her death and if she goes to hell, since we know Adam and Eve lived a thousand years married together on Earth, starting humanity. But I don’t see any reason for this. We need much much more information about Adam and Eve’s relationship and all four of their relationships’ to each other in general first before we can talk more about this. But until then, I don’t see any reason to break up Adam and Eve unless there’s some importance to it in the narrative. For me, I see Adam’s womanizing in heaven as a sign that Eve is probably not in heaven. And thinking that he’ll never see her again because “Hell is forever,” he eventually becomes bitter and jaded over thousands of years and decides that his relationship with Eve must be over then. Possibly the same case with Eve in hell, somehow leading up to sleeping with Lucifer. But considering she’s no where to be found with L/L and Lucifer only references her once, there seems to be zero indication of anything between them.

6. To briefly touch on the idea that once in heaven, Eve eventually left Adam because of his horrible personality and womanizing. This is still possible, but it seems like WAY too big of a personality shift to go from married and raising a family for a thousand years to suddenly being a massive asshole and a philanderer. Something must have happened that magnified all the worst aspects of his personality. There’s no way he is the same today as he was in Eden or on Earth. If he is, that’s just shitty lazy writing on Vivzie’s part and Adam is nothing but a one dimensional villain with no depth at all. Massive waste of a character with huge potential.

Tl;dr This post is already too long so I’ll just summarize everything. Although I agree that Adam is definitely an arrogant and annoying villain, Lilith and Eve cheating on adam is unjustified imo, there is no reason for Eve to cheat on Adam or leave him at all from what we can tell now, and her having any relationship with Lucifer also makes no sense considering what his choices turned her life into. But let me know your thoughts on all this, if there’s some point you want to make or a disagreement on something else!

[fishfingersandjellybabies]

Damian and Lois bonding idea:

So this is in the future when Damian and Jon are an established couple (living together but I like to think they’re married and on a farm so Damian can have space for all his pets) and Dami, in a decision for his own mental health, had been making a gradual move towards retiring from hero work and has finally moved on to a full civilian life (as an artist? a  veterinarian? full time charity work? your choice) but Jon is still supermaning as Dami wouldn’t ask him to make that choice to stop with him. However that doesn’t make it easy to sit by and watch the one he loves get hurt, physically and mentally, time and time again. So to learn how to cope with the pain of watching Jon do what he does without being involved in it with him, he calls up Lois. Asks her how she can stand to watch her husband and son (because of course the rest of Damian’s family is still part The Life as well, which just adds to the struggle) repeatedly get hurt and not jump in to fight with them. And she gives him advice on how she fills her time and copes with the anxiety of waiting to hear if your loved ones are ok. She tells him whenever he’s struggling and alone, waiting to hear from Jon or his family to know that they’re back safe from a mission or patrol, to give her a call. Any time of day she’ll answer and talk with him so he’s not alone (because she knows what it’s like being in the position and not having anyone to talk to about it). They’ll talk about anything and nothing just to occupy their minds when it gets too much because sometimes being the pillar of support for a hero can be exhausting too. Share in new hobbies they’ll pick up in their spare time and talking about how dumb whatever politician Lois had to write about is. Anyway because of this they grow really close and next joint family party, the family are all wondering why the two are so attached and making inside jokes with each other because when did that happen? Jon/Clark will come home earlier than expected after missions and find Lois/Damian cooking together or something just laughing and talking.

Just some good mother-in-law/son-in-law bonding

that's so sweet! and I love it haha. and god, just imagine, Lois is there for Damian for YEARS and walks him through this stress and turmoil and Damian is so grateful.

And one night, Lois calls him instead of the other way around. She's in tears and nervous and explains what came over the newswire didn't sound good and for once she's SCARED. And Damian's practically waited for this moment his whole life, packs a bag and heads to the farm immediately.

The worst is avoided and Clark and Jon come home to find Damian and Lois asleep on the couch, sodas and wines and tissues and movie cases and the like across the table in front of them, Lois asleep on Damian's shoulder while holding his hand. Damian's only half awake himself and smiles to the returning supers and says 'Welcome home.'

both Clark and Jon are instantly in tears, moving towards their respective spouse.

[rejectfalseiconz]

Bro not to be gay or anything but what if we like actually for real no joke ran away to a farm with a cottage and like,, bro, we could totally keep chickens and we would be alone together for the rest of our lives like, platonically ofc but just IMAGINE bro like what if I actually made you do all the work bro, but like, what if afterwards I kissed you and held you and stroked your hair and wrote you poetry and like wait NO WAY BRO, what if we,,, like,,,….. kissed,, with tongue,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, platonically because your my bro hahaha, I love you so much dude like I would literally no joke dream about you and maybe, like, at night when we were sleeping together you would wake up and hear me mumbling your name in my sleep bro, like dude would you bundle me up in blankets and kiss the bridge of my nose or are you a pussy bro haha cmon bro I know you want to hold my hand platonically while gazing into my azure eyes bro haha that would be WILD

[pixeldistractions]

I said I wanted an adventure:

And oh boy, life delivered. Sadly, it won’t be the airplane adventure we were planning. That’s going to be postponed for a little while.

Warning: walls of text and real-life shit. (Serious wall of text, I’m not even joking.)

Long story short, hubby was laid off from the job that has kept us in a cushy living for the past fifteen years, the job that has given me the luxury of being 85% a stay-at-home mom to both of my kids in their younger years. We kind of saw it coming, and we’re not totally scared. He got a severance package and health insurance for six months. On my end, my books don’t make much money, but I’m telling you, I am a squirrel when it comes to money, mine and his, and I’m not bad at investing. We’ll be okay for a bit.

So, I’m not scared. Yet. But wow, how things can change in the blink of an eye.

For one, we’ll probably move. I don’t know where. The timing is kind of miraculous, with one child graduated and one not yet in kindergarten, we’re free to go wherever we please right now. It was never my dream to move to northern Virginia in the first place. It’s hot and muggy here, and the people are transient, snobby, and kind of boring. My vote is to move back home to Michigan, but when it comes to the bottom line, we gotta pay the bills, so we’ll go wherever he finds work next. He is talented and I know he’ll find work again, but where and what and for how much is up in the air. All I know is northern Virginia is expensive af and we can’t stay here for long if he’s not earning what he did before.

And I don’t really want him to take another corporate job? Not now, in our forties, having spent ALL of our fucks. I’m not sorry he did that kind of work before, because it was a good financial decision for our family, but it wasn’t always fun. He found it stressful and soulless. Unlimited vacation time, haha, as long as you keep your nose to the grindstone and keep your lips ready for the ass-kissing. Anyway.

So we could be elsewhere, and that would be totally okay by me. I don’t want to stay here. I want to move back home to Michigan. My heart sings for it. My whole family is there. The lakes, the forests, the arts, the farms. I’d cash out our investments to buy some land and a modest house in as much cash as we can. And I’ll have some chickens and goats and tomato plants (because it’s the only thing I could ever get to grow). It’s not out of the question. On the other hand, sometimes families in our situation try and try and are still out of work after a couple years, and that nest egg chips away and dwindles to nothing, especially now and especially in the tech field like he is with layoffs everywhere, especially after 6 months when health insurance premiums come due. Yay, America!

So, I don’t know anything about my future right now. Is that scary, or exciting? Both maybe? For now, for the next few months/year, I don’t think very much will change on my end except the timing. I was talking a couple weeks ago about feeling the call to get back to publication writing. I was planning to get serious about it soon, and very serious about it next school year when my youngest is in full-day kindergarten. (He has one more year of preschool first.) But, hey, I guess maybe now would be a better time to hustle some fiction for cash? Granted, I’m still mostly a full-time caregiver to a four-year-old with needs, and those short preschool days fly by. Also considering sick days and snow days, little kids aren’t actually in school very much at all. But I am itching to get back to work, I’m feeling that call, and now it’s also more of a necessity that I work smart (for money) with my little 10-15 hours a week of free time.

As for the state of my blogs and sims stories… Well, it was a pure luxury to be able to sit on my butt and work on Sims stories when my kid went to preschool for three hours a day, 3-5 days a week. It was a privilege—one that I have now lost. Life happens, and things change. It is what it is. And now it’s not really responsible for me to spend all of my free time writing stories of this scope for freebies.

Boxes and Squares is only halfway finished, and the second half is just as large as the first. It took me over a year to complete what I have so far. And where we’re at now, it’s such a special part of the story, an important turning point and the culmination of a lot of things. I was very much looking forward to it. But it’s also LONG. Simming the whole thing would take a lot of time that I don’t have to spend anymore. But I think I’ve come up with a way to not totally quit.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I always hoped to bring this story to books someday. I always wondered if it might be better suited to the general book fiction/literary market. It’s floundering here on Simblr. Five, dear, beloved people were reading it. I love you guys. But why did it never catch on in all this time? I could never really figure out why it was so invisible here. Maybe the pictures were ugly. Maybe the conflict was too tame. Not enough vampires? Not enough guns or murder? Never learned to use ReShade properly? Does my breath stink? Maybe I don’t really want to know the answer in the end.

It’s meant for other things, if anything at all. Maybe nothing at all, but who knows. Maybe it’ll find its niche someday elsewhere. I love this story (why, oh why do I love it so?), and I can’t quit it. I couldn’t quit if I tried. The story of these wandering misfits is so personal and interesting to me, and I need to see it through to the end.

I have to say, with certainty now, I’ll finish it out in books. I’ve already started tinkering with the first few chapters of a newly imagined beginning. And oh, it’s sparkling! It begins with a reimagined work field trip scene, with Jordan and Maria on a soggy farm in the cold rain. I don’t know if it’ll do well in the general book market, but I can say I have had fun drafting it here and I will have fun finishing it out in books. I always wanted to try a series format story in books. It’s looking like it’ll be about 8-9 novella/short-novel sized chunks. Anyone who was reading here will get free ebook copies, of course. Hell, if I ever meet you in person, I’d hand you a signed paperback, too. Shipping fees are a bitch, though, or else I’d mail them.

As I’ve been picking at these book drafts the past couple weeks, I’m quickly remembering how freeing it is to write in full text. Not having to compromise my vision according to what I might be able to do in game or with poses, not having to fight with game glitches and crashes and broken mods before I can even begin the work. The words do as I tell them to, and nothing is off limits if I have the words to describe it! Returning to that feels quite magical. I might be a little rusty at this after so many years away, but I remember how it goes. Muscle memory, decades of practice, so much trial and error under my belt already. I know what I’m doing here. It’s comfortable and it’s good.

But I was so excited to share book 5. I really, truly was. It contains some of my favorite scenes in the whole story! I’m sad to leave the story hanging where it is, even though, perhaps, if you look at it just right, chapter 4.5 did offer some resolution for the story to land on.

So, to the five of you who were reading my story and do care, thank you for reading this thing! Your likes and comments meant the world to me as I poured my heart and soul into this quiet little story. And I hope this compromise will work for everyone. And if it doesn’t, I’m sorry.

Which is not to say I’m going to abandon the sims entirely. I’ve been playing sims since 2003 and writing sims stories since 2008. I love seeing my characters and their world visually. In a way, it’s been an outlet for the sad reality that I’ll never be able to draw a graphic novel, lol!

So you’ll still see my sims from time to time. Updates won’t come as frequently as I was able to do before. It will look different, but I’d love to keep my timeline puttering along, if I can. You’ll see gameplay shenanigans and maybe some mini stories. Even B&S characters, you’ll still see them on here, going about their lives. I couldn’t stop it if I tried. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be playing my sims just as I have since I discovered Sims 1. And maybe in a couple years, when my youngest is in school full time and our financial situation will have hopefully settled, I might be able to do another hefty sims story again. But for now, things will be different. Life happens, and things change.

I’m still going to finish “Miserable Ghost Story,” too, which is a traditional stand-alone novel. And I have many more WIPs than that to finish. I have another old dear novel that I’ve been picking at for 20 years that I’d like to see the light of day sometime. I have a couple more spin-offs from the EWTF and F&B set, too. It’s in my best interest to buckle down and finish all the WIPs I can. I have so many of them, after all. Earn three bucks a copy, invest it and turn it into ten. That’s my game. I was a finance major in college for a hot minute before I became an English major. I can be artsy-fartsy and business-minded all at once.

All this to say, regretfully, stories will not return in mid-August as I had planned. But they will return eventually, in some shape or form, as soon as I can settle my brain from the spinning. And, I guess, update my game and mods for the new pack.

And if there’s any luck in the world, maybe next year I’ll be living on Lake Michigan, writing my stories, taking care of my kids and acres of property and maybe some goats. Goat cheese and romance novels, isn’t that the dream? Graciously accepting any prayers or well wishes, please and thank you!

[wraithdance]

The TF 141 Compatibility Love Report

For: @dwarvenagenda

Disclaimer:

This is based on my personal opinion and interpretation of you and the character.  the user makes no claims to be a real doctor or any medical professional. Please don't sue me! I got shook down by some girl scouts, they took my money and broke my knee caps. I have nothing but my illusions of grandeur left :(

The Doc says your TF 141 Perfect Match is…

Simon 'Ghost' Riley!

Romance: Unsurprisingly this was a no brainer for me! Romance with you and this scary murder muffin would be like two worlds colliding and merging into something so fundamentally right it blinds the rest of us peons. Simon is often misunderstood and labelled as a 'big bad'. As a partner you would be able to give him the space to put down his armor and be his unmasked self (doubly important because I do personally believe he is on the autistic spectrum.) The same would be said for you, given his protection of his family and his loyalty to his team, I don't think Simon would shy away from supporting you through even the hardest times. Mutual understanding and acceptance is the core of why I believe this is your perfect match.

Simon has weathered the torrential storms life has given him, he's not leaving you behind once he's got that collar on him and babes the leash you'd hold is but another string of fate. I specifically use dog analogies in reference for Simon because as humans a lot of us like to believe we are absolved of our primal natures with the emphasis on moral rightness.

Simon is someone who seems to embrace his more 'primitive' traits to be effective and cut through to the hard truths over politeness. To me, that means when Simon has his teeth in someone soft with gentle hands, he's in for life. In this dynamic physical connection would take precedence (with a bit of an awkward phase inevitably) and shared inside jokes would be the glue to a successful relationship. Romance with him is lazy days in bed at your rustic cabin or farm, taste testing recipes while music plays in the kitchen, playing footsie while checking in on your stardew valley crops.

Sex:  Please know that shit would be so good you'd need 800 years to write love sonnets about it. Sex with Simon would be the definition of dichotomy. Rough and primal, all teeth and tight grip, demands for acknowledgment of your life long (and beyond) connection. But also sensual and slow, wet lashes and heady kisses, sweetness that usurps the taste of candy. Either way he's taking care of you the whole time and he'll put you first. Def into freaky shit if you are! Get him comfortable with not having control and you can hogtie that man up and ride him like your life depends on it, if you so choose.

Possible points of Contention:

Trouble with communicating needs

may be insensitive about certain niceties

heavy handed with the petting (good luck to you and your pets lol)

Your Poly Pairing (haha) is…

GhostGaz- Pure bliss. Do I even need to tell you the vibes? In this poly pairing you would 100% be the ward to Simon's knight. Gaz would act as the charming diplomat and first point of contact for potential threats. But when shit hits the fan? These men work like perfectly oiled machines to get you all to the other-side. that goes for the way they'd flow in a relationship with you. Always pivoting around each other in an intricate dance to ensure the continued happiness of your lil love bubble. Besides who wouldn't want to wake up to the literal epitome of sour and sweet?

[escrivoir]

For the send me a fic, can I have "stay all night" pleeeease?

Oh lord, the fic you inspired! Congratulations and thank you for that, @reallylilyreally haha.

My favorite scene

Right after the awful snow/Bastogne-adjacent scene, wherein Nix accidentally kisses both Dick and Tab and then nearly wrecks his car when he realizes what he's done, racing home to call his secretary and tell her that he won't be in because they're all sick - and she's already rescheduled all of his meetings.

My favorite chapter (if it's a multichapter)

Chapter 8: Dick scaring Stanhope, and everything related to planning the wedding, especially because everyone in Easy is so fucking baffled about it. And there's the Easy reunion / real wedding.

Hardest scene to write

This one - it kickstarts so much insanity.

So: while she travels, she’s been bringing along reading material - journals and articles about fertility and birth control, both of which are progressing in the most marvelous way these last few years. In the most unlikely of fashions, it appears that her Stanford education is serving her well. It turns out there are options she’d never thought of, although some of them are … undignified.

“Undignified!?” her brother yelps when she lays it out to the boys that evening. “It’s a farce!” 

Dick and Tab exchange a significant look. Neither of them are rejecting it out of hand, which is encouraging. It’s something that had never even occurred to Dick, she can tell; there’s surprise and a little bit of discomfort at the frankness of the topic, but he’s not disgusted, and he’s certainly not panicking like Lewis.

“It works in animals,” Tab points out reasonably. “With quite a bit of success, and even less dignity.” Of course Bunny would know; agriculture engineering was a lot of math and science, but he’d also spent time at working farms, which has paid off in the immediate success of Ferme Parachute, as she’s now termed it. Blanche doesn’t actually know what their business is, and she’s not sure she cares. It has something to do with… food for cows?

“My sister is not a cow! ” Lewis cries. She rolls her eyes and bites back the urge to look him straight in the eyes and moo. It’s a tough sacrifice, but that’s what good sisters are for.

Favorite character to write in the fic

Blanche! The struggles of being a wealthy heiress sound laughable, but just like Nix, there were so many impossible expectations thrown at her.

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

Friendly: Blanche & Nix - siblings with a whole lot in common, and similar chips on their shoulders Unfriendly: Stanhope & Tab - very very mildly touched upon. I love that Tab is everything Stanhope despises, and steals his daughter and son from him, more or less.

Why I chose that title

Most folks know Stay All Night, Stay a Little Longer as a song by Willie Nelson, but it was originally recorded in 1945 (released in 1946) by Bob Wills and his Texas Playboys. It's a swingy tune, and the chorus is so good for Blanche and Tab especially: Stay all night, stay a little longer Dance all night, dance a little longer Pull off your coat throw it in the corner Don't see why you don't stay a little longer

A fun fact about the fic

The fic was literally born because I had just started to talk to @reallylilyreally and we were joking about how weird it would be for Blanche to meet Tab, which is when I came up with the opening scene, and the whole fic kind of spiraled into what it is now. Will say I did NOT expect it to go the direction it did at first, and then I was just like, shrug, guess we're doing this!

[gh0stw1f3]

Lessons 2/2 (Carl Grimes x Reader)

Carl has been avoiding you since that fateful night. So you decide to take things into your own hands and confront him.

WARNING: Penetration, tit-sucking, a lil angst?

Since everyone's been requesting a part 2, i made one. it might not be as good as the first one but i got inspired and motivated to write sooooo… i hope yall like it anyway

………………………………………………………………………

Ever since Carl visited you late at night for some "advice", he hasn't been talking to you or going near you at all. Every time he saw you, he'd walk the other way. Straight up avoiding you. You thought maybe he needed some time to come to terms with what happened but you were starting to miss him. Maybe a week is enough for him to start talking to you again. But then a week became two weeks and you were getting sick of him ignoring you.

Why was he ignoring you? Because every time he thought of that night, his head would ache from the sheer embarrassment. He couldn't look at you the same. So his way to cope with that was to pretend you didn't exist.

You decided to take things into your own hands and talk to him. Carl was crouched down, picking at some carrots with a hoe. You walked up slowly behind him and tapped his shoulder. He nearly threw the hoe at you as he flinched. Most likely he thought you were a walker. When he saw how close you were, he immediately started blushing and getting anxious.

"Hi, Carl! Do you need hel-" you were about to offer but he quickly got up and started fumbling his words.

"I-I need to go! My.. My dad needs me…" he put the hoe down and started speed-walking to his house. Where he stayed for the majority of the day. You were baffled. You don't know what you were expecting. A hug? An apology? A joke? But instead, he did as he always does. Ran away from you. You picked up the rusty hoe that he nervously dropped and put it back in the farming shed. He left so quickly, he didn't even put it away. And the carrots weren't even picked.

Your heart sank to your stomach at his reaction as it played through your head. Sitting on your patio, you thought about how you'd confront him again. Abrupting the peace in his house sounded like a good idea. Just walking up in there and forcing him to talk to you. And as much as you hated the image, you were curious about how he did with Enid. And if what you taught him stuck.

Knocking against the wood of Rick's home, you stood. Nervously twiddling with your thumbs as Carl did when he was visiting yours. You tried to stand up confidently as the door slowly creaked open. "Hey Y/N, what do you need?" he stood tall against the door frame.

"Umm, Is Carl awake?"

"Yeah, he's been in his room for a while. What do you need with Carl?" he wondered as he gestured for you to come in. As you walked in, you focused your eyes on the stairs that led to Carl's room. Rick closed the door behind you.

"I need to talk to him about umm… farming?"

"Farming?" He rose an eyebrow.

"Yeah… I just wanna yell at him for not putting the tools away. Haha…" You forced a smile.

"Ohhh. Yeahhhhh sure…" he squinted his eyes. "You can go up to his room," he opened the door and walked out. "I'm going out for watch duty. Make sure Carl cleans those guns."

"Yeah of course, bye Rick," you closed the door behind him as you said your goodbyes. You took off your boots and started taking small steps up the stairs. Upstairs, you saw two doors. You put your ear against one of the doors and heard the small snores. Feminine snores. So you assumed it was Michonne. Using the tool of elimination, you slowly turned the steel doorknob. You opened the door slightly and saw a human-shaped lump under the blankets of the bed.

"Carl…?" the moment you spoke, the covers flinched. Carl was wide awake. "I'm coming in," Carl hid his red face under the covers. Exploring the sights of Carl's room, you made your way to the edge of the bed. The bed sank as you put your weight on it. Your socks gliding against the carpet. "Carl… do you… hate me now?" you felt your eyes start to water as you thought about Carl only looking at you with hatred in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Carl…" you apologised, raising your sleeve against your eyelids. The fabric became darker while it soaked your tears. "I'm sorry… so please don't hate me."

The bed shuffled while Carl sat up, looking at the back of your hair. "I… could never hate you," his words made your heartbeat. "Are you sure?" Carl's eyes widened. You turned your head to face him. He stared at your weeping face and turned pink. He nodded. "Are you… starting to dislike me then?" he wondered as to why you would ask him such a question.

"Why would I ever hate you?" you put your hand against the soft firm mattress. Carl averted his eyes to face the window placed next to his bed.

"…Because of what happened… that night," once he started talking, he felt that he could tell you everything. Like he did before. "Ever since… we did that," he gripped his covers. "I can't stop looking at you… and picturing you on top of me… doing things to me," you knew exactly what he was implying. "And it just.. feels so wrong," biting his lip.

He didn't realize how you were crawling closer to him while he looking out the window and into the farm where he excused himself to get away from you. "What's so wrong…" you were now inches from his face, your breath tickling his lips. "About that?" your lips touched as you intertwined your fingers with his. Carl instinctively put his hands on your shoulders as you climbed your way to sit on his lap, lips never losing contact. The softness and mint taste of his tongue soothed yours when you slipped it beyond his lips. Getting lost in the kiss, he placed his hands on his waist. You smirked against his lips, feeling his dick grow beneath you. He was kissing you the exact way you taught him which turned you on even more that you started to slowly grind your hips against his.

You let go of his lips, not being able to control your whimpers anymore. "You're a fast learner, aren't you Carl?" you kissed his cheek before trailing your lips to his neck.

"I had a good teacher," you hovered above him moderately, tugging his sweats down as well as yours. "Lift your arms for me," he rose the ends of your shirt. You did as he asked and he brought the shirt over your head and threw it at the floor. He pushed you closer to him, his hands exploring the strap of your bra and flawlessly unhooked your bra. The familiar sight of your breasts comforted him. You continued grinding while he felt the dampness of your panties.

"I missed you so much," he whispered into your ear, nibbling on your earlobe. It sent electricity through your body. You both exchanged moans into each other's ears, the tickle of each other's breath made you both giggle. Carl messaged your boobs, placing kisses over your cleavage.

You ran your fingers through his hair, bringing him close to your chest. He brought his tongue slowly from your cleavage to your nipple. His spit made your nipples stand up inside your mouth while he left small nibbles. "Hah… Carl, I wonder where you learned all that," you joked playfully as he chuckled with your stud in his mouth. You knelt up as he continued so you could remove your panties. "I want you to put it in… I want to touch you more," your fingers brushed against his boxers and pushed them down so his cock was out.

"I won't… cum inside you this time," he assured. He grabbed the base of his cock and straightened it against your clit, pushing it down til it poked your hole.

"Go ahead if you want… mm- want to," you whimpered when he pushed his cock in you. You sat your ass down on his hips.

You put a small finger against his lips when he let out a loud groan. "Sssh… Michonne is asleep, we don't wanna wake her up," your only option to make him quiet was to occupy his lips with yours so you did so. The feeling of his warm hard cock in your walls was something you yearned for.

"Every time you think of me like that…" you huffed. "Just come get me," you whimpered. Carl smirked.

"That's gonna be like every day," he chuckled, his dick hitting your cervix which caused a yelp to slip out your mouth. He put his palm over your mouth. "You're the one who has to be quiet," he cooed watching your eyebrows furrowed and your mouth gape open, letting out breaths. He licked the tears that were starting to stream out your face when he fastened his pace.

His cock was so warm inside you that you couldn't help but bounce on his pelvis. "Carl… I'm so close," you wrapped your arms around his neck, your boobs rubbing against his chest. "Let's do it together, okay?" you smiled, kissing his cheek.

He couldn't let out any words, fastening then slowing his pace when he feels his mind start to turn. "Hah… you feel so good," you arched your back with your chest out and head back. Carl slithered his arms against your back and pushed you close to him and he let out his final thrusts, shoving his way through his high.

Your head felt dizzy while you rode out your orgasm. Limbs feeling weak and hair messy, you rested yourself on top of Carl. Letting your body heat comfort one another.

"I want to embrace you like this forever," Carl breathed as he laid back down, rubbing your back. Your chest rose and sank, catching your breath and turning to sleep at his side. Placing your hand on the back of his head, you pulled him close so his head was resting on your breasts.

"Then I'll keep you this close for as long as you want," you kissed the top of his head as you both doze off. Forgetting to unlock the door in case someone decided to enter the room.

[heartfullofleeches]

Hi Mr devil!! Wanted to say I am OBSESSED with your work, I've been here since the supernatural harem started and every post you make, whether with new characters or old ones, makes me go FERAL.

I wanted to know if I could request either the Cafe characters (I.e Clyde, Junie, saber) or the Milk farm characters with a reader who's obviously not well but completely refuses help? I'm so interested as to who would be the most stressed and who would just force them to take a BREAK

Could I be 🫧 anon by any chance? If it's not taken/availabe-

(Junie isn't apart of the cafe crew, but whether you meant a different person or not I'll add them for ya ♡. Haven't talked about these dorks in a bit. Unfortunately, that anon is taken though)

Clyde

Please. Don't overwork yourself. It's bad for your health and his. He knows first hand what that's like and once it almost killed him. Will bring out the tears if he must to get you to stay home. Will hangle his bosses for the rest of the week off to take care of you.

Honey

Haha... no- Tries to pull the sweet card and gently push you into staying home, but will duct tape you to the bed if they have to. This is a joke as they'll use their body instead, sickness be damned.

Shanna

She knows she can't force you, but she was basically a mom figure for her brothers so she knows a few tricks about stubborn folks. If you somehow resist she'll take every order you get and make you take breaks frequently.

Saber

Yeahhhh hell no. Will rent you the entire day no matter the cost and whoever you already had scheduled. Pampers you, and makes you take medication as prescribed on the boxes he has his lackeys retrieve. May use it as an opportunity to use you as a body pillow but hush

Belle

Not gonna work out here. Will throw you over her shoulder and tell the boss to put it on her tab as she carries you back to her truck and home. Makes you a nice soup and tells you to just hush up and rest

Trick

As another person whose dealt with their share of defiant people, Trick has a backbone and will have none of it. Swaddles you with their wings if they have to and makes sure you stay put until you are well. They're an even better cook than Belle so you'll be well covered in that department.

Wisteria

You have no grounds to negotiate. Like others she'll wrap you in her vines and provide expertise care. At least with her, you'll be healed the fastest as ingesting certain flowers of hers can heal mortals. Only downside is she might like taking care of you too much

Prince

What are you talking about- he's always worked here! Steals one of your coworker's uniforms to go uncover as he claims to take all of the heavy duty work off you. If your gets too bad he'll make a scene and drag you home if he must

Doc

As a med student they'll try to diagnose you on the spot, but they also always have cold medicine on hand in case of this exact scenario. They... might've given you the wrong pills as you may feel drowsy after, but at least they can take you home with no fuss.

Scout

"But I-" "No." "Really I-" No." Shuts that down immediately. He lost both grandmothers to illness when they had some good years left and he's not risking anything with you. Loads you into his truck without a word except to turn down your rebuttals

Bonus- Junie

The one who panics the most. Has never taken care of another person, but obviously isn't going to let you hurt yourself. Straps you to their bed as they search your symptoms online trying not to have a heart attack. They'll really trying their best and honestly they don't do terribly. Eventually passed out on you and probably gets it sick themselves

[pip-n-chips]

how (some) DoL characters play Minecraft

Robin

Mainly sticks with the easy difficulty

Likes building things in survival mode instead of creative for the extra challenge

Has keep inventory on + mob griefing off

Plays multiplayer a lot (sometimes with local orphans, sometimes online), and can get quite competitive during minigames

Parkour is the bane of their existence

Has like 46 dogs in their main survival world

Scared of Herobrine (they know he's fake, but...)

Has thought about streaming their gameplay, but they need some encouragement from you in order for them to go through with it

The peaceful music from the game paired with Robin's commentary is calming, you might take a nap...

Whitney

Griefs your base with TNT and lava buckets, initially

Starts getting more creative with ways to fuck with your shit, you'd be impressed if you weren't so pissed

Got a friend of theirs to help them use cheats, but brags about it + takes the credit for themself

Has been banned from a handful of online servers, takes pride in the ever growing list

Builds,,, questionable sculptures

"lmao get good bro"

Basically a big troll lmfao

Throws their controller/hits their keyboard when raging (they strike me more as a console type of person, though)

Has a dog/cat/horse they name the same thing every single time (perhaps in remembrance of an old pet or stray)

Mickey

Almost exclusively* plays modded singleplayer

* Maybe they used to play with Robin or other orphans (before life got so much more complicated, anyway,,)

Has made their own mods + add-ons but hasn't posted any online

Fond of mods that add RPG + fantasy elements to the game (especially DRAGONS!)

Pretty good with redstone, they like making weird contraptions

Has a complicated + organized base

Sets up traps, hidden compartments + other secrets in their base even though they're the only one who'll see it

Tries to get all the achievements (vanilla + any that mods add) + collects and frames special items

Has a lot of commands memorized + knows how to use command blocks

Sydney

You introduce them to the game and they like it a lot!

It's funny watching them learn more about the game and what to do/what not to do

Punched a bee once and fell off a cliff trying to run from it

Dies a lot tbh, and you see death messages you've never seen before because of that lol

Corrupt!Sydney makes their character twerk (crouch, un-crouch, repeat), laughs at it every time

Surprisingly good at building, recreates locations from their favorite books

Only really plays it when you guys play together, though

If you're gaming together at their house, Sirris pops in to check in on you guys at some point and pauses to smile at the heartwarming sight (as embarrassing as it may be for Sydney)

Kylar

"What if I put my Minecraft bed next to yours? haha jk... unless?"

Has the most OVERKILL gaming PC setup you've seen (way too many screens, everything has lights, etc etc. looks pretty dope tbh)

Likes designing Minecraft skins! (there's like 10 separate skins of you in different outfits)

Plays heavily modded Minecraft, but will play vanilla or lighter mod packs with you

Definitely tried that one Girlfriend mod at some point

Has attempted a few speedruns (in the Top 10s for some of them!)

Gets SO excited when you tell them that you like Minecraft too (but it's not like they didn't know that already)

Alex

Doesn't have much time to play with their current workload

When they do, the most they do is play it as a farming sim (???) (you get them to explore more options to do in the game)

Becomes a BIG fan of parkour!

Downloads parkour + adventure maps so they can play it offline (farm WiFi can be unreliable)

Learns some basic redstone, mainly to improve their (in-game) farms

Automatic farms + mob grinders, though they still like the experience of doing it themself

Builds a Minecraft version of their real farm, excitedly shows it to you

Names some in-game farm animals after their siblings as a joke

Gwylan

Only plays offline because they live in The Forest ™️

Loves potion brewing! (they don't have an internet guide so they experiment with different combos all by themself, gets quite good at it)

Hoarder. Has so many items scattered across their chests, they forget what they do and don't have

Aesthetic matters to them a lot when choosing where to put their base + building it

Went to the End + defeated the dragon just to get the blocks there + the egg for decoration

1.17 (first part of the Caves And Cliffs update) is their favorite yet, all the new blocks and cave biomes make them go aaaaaaaaa

Felt so bad when they had to kill animals for food in the beginning, has a good farm system now though

Definitely keeps mobs you can't tame as pets

[mamawasatesttube]

okay, i'm going to spam today. mmm damian, jon (as he is in OUR minds), aaaaaaaand. lois.

hell YEAH lets go!! damian first:

Headcanon A:  realistic

he goes to veterinary school. something something not either of his parent's legacies but something of his own that still feels like it's honoring them in its own way (medicine-adjacent. hands to help heal rather than harm. you get it)

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

he pretends not to know english that well in order to make jon explain the "deez nuts" joke he just made. jon is mad about it because he KNOWS damian knows english perfectly well enough to get deez nutted, but damian refuses to drop the pretense until jon glares at him and explains the joke. damian thinks he's hilarious. and he is.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

man this isn't even hc really but do you ever think about the way he is just a little guy who never wants to hurt anyone or anything but he was born into a cycle of violence he never asked for. before he was ever old enough to understand it, there was blood on his hands. it's a guilt he'll always carry. i think he and cass should bond over this btw

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

i dont know what the fuck canon is doing over there at this point but its important to me that he and talia love each other. there can be complexity and nuance to it but he loves his mom. dc shut up and listen okay they love each other!!!!

and now jon (as he SHOULD be):

Headcanon A:  realistic

he grows up with two central struggles: a) the classic mixed kid agonies, and b) the fact that he lives with immense pressure between both of his parents legacies that he can't escape. as a hero, he's superman's son. as a civilian, he's lois lane's son. everyone compares him to his parents, and so does he.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

his puppy eyes are so strong he's literally charmed the shirt off kon's back before. ("hey, kon, i'm packing for that camping trip with my friends this weekend, can i borrow your red--oh... you're wearing it. okay... never mind... 🥺👉👈 unless? 🥺🥺🥺") (kon, actively pulling off his shirt: "YOU ARE A HORRIBLE LITTLE MANIPULATIVE GREMLIN AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.")

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

well now im just thinking of that time you were like haha what if i write a fic where lex luthor kills jon in front of kon. i don't think i can top that. you motherfucker.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

no age-up bullshit. instead he exists in our beautiful postcrisis mishmash sandbox. he's like 4 when kon hatches (unless he isn't because timelines? what are those <3) and he is simply kon's beautiful little baby brother who has him wrapped around his little finger from day one.

AND NOW LOIS!!!

Headcanon A:  realistic

she's the breadwinner for the family. clark works from home/is a stay-at-home dad while jon is little. they have to figure it out a bit whenever superman is needed, but they make it work.

Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious

the first time she visited the kent farm, she stepped in a cow patty and clark laughed his ass off at her, so lois took off the shit-covered shoe and threw it at him.

Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends

having to take care of baby jon during the month clark was dead/"dead" while watching everything go down in reign of the supermen is probably what she would say is the hardest thing she's ever had to do.

Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.

i need her to take tim under her wing for a little while. she sees in him a kindred spirit: a do-gooder, incredibly nosy little fuck. she can enable all of his snooping and sneaky tendencies. she'll ruffle his hair and generally regard him like a weird kitten kon found in the gutter one day and brought home. they go on at least one (mis)adventure.

[ashrifts]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄ㅤ➞ㅤㅤ𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐀𝐂𝐓

if you leave offerings at a certain shrine in kannazuka, you will receive protection from the trickster serpent brothersㅤ───ㅤor so the saying goes. no one has dared to try and bring chaos there for a long time now, after all, and many attribute this to ran and rindou's watch over the land. where the uwabami are mostly known to keep away from civilization, the haitani brothers are the blatant exception: they're celebrities in kannazuka, perhaps in all of inazuma, and are mostly spotted strolling around at night during the frequent festivals celebrated in their honor.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ➞ㅤ𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂:

ㅤㅤ››ㅤi was THIS close to making him a tengu because of this pazuribe ran but decided to stick to his snake motif...

ㅤㅤ››ㅤtheir favorite offering is sake, but ran likes getting sweets too.

ㅤㅤ››ㅤhe's an electro catalyst. received his vision at 13, when he and rindou were defending the island from bandits trying to take over who were planning to use it as their new base and extort the villagers. the sight of a little kid brutalizing the leader made the people both fear and respect him, and this is how they gained their complicated reputation. some see the brothers as their very own yokai protectors, guardian deities with their best interest in mind, while others as simply another pair of tyrants exerting control over them. neither make the effort to make clear which one it is.

ㅤㅤ››ㅤolder folks will say they saw with their own eyes as the electro vision emerged from the man's mangled corpse like a heart being ripped from its ribcage, glowing red instead of purple with the blood coating it. ran had grasped it in his hand and laughed with lips stained in blood not his own.

ㅤㅤ››ㅤlikes to ominously imply he does, in fact, eat humans. "haha nice joke man" "😊" "...you are joking, right?" "😊"

ㅤㅤ››ㅤthe people of kannazuka are less people he wants to protect and more things he owns and is territorial over simply for the fact that they live in what he perceives to be his land. kannazuka is known as a place where no gods reside and has been continuously disputed over by the shogunate and the sangonomiya, but ran thinks himself and rindou as its gods.

ㅤㅤ››ㅤsome hundreds of years old, still young for an uwabami.

ㅤㅤ››ㅤaids the watatsumi resistance here and there when he feels like it, and is particularly fond of terrorizing the shogunate army stationed at kannazuka. he does not care for their war of faith or for the gods they worship, but he opposed the vision hunt decree because it'd strip him of his freedom and his god-given right to bear a vision.

ㅤㅤ››ㅤno one asked but his ascenscion mats are: dendrobiums (because they're also called blood orchids), coral defenders and specter drops (because they're super annoying to farm and i know ran would love that for me).

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

"you amuse me, [name]"

Doctor Spriggan and my favourite cult leader?

Funny thing is I just watched a video talking about Apostle earlier today, haha.

Warning: The Spriggan being a manipulative asshole (but what else is new in this au)

On with the fic!

--

The village wasn't really much of one, but it was amazing that something was even happening here. Malcolm found himself filled with pride as he looked at the few, small homes that he, his brothers, and his few followers had built in just a short amount of time.

Their small farms were growing well, and the animals were adapting. The island's God made sure of that, all in an exchange of offerings.

Malcolm tugged at his sleeve, feeling the rough material brush against the healing marks there. So far, blood was wanted, but his Lord had mentioned that this was going to change.

He shuddered at the thought, not sure what to expect from the Spriggan, the name that his brothers called their God, for they knew no other name to call Him. Neither did Malcolm, the Spriggan refused to offer a name, had said it was lost to time, said it as if it were a joke.

He watched his people as they worked, before he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye, at the entrance to the woods, leading deeper into them.

They were dark, deep, but he could see a thin, bony arm sticking out of the shadows. Even from this distance, he could recognize it, the torn clothing that was left to rot, the bark and moss covering the 'skin'.

Malcolm went to Him in silence.

The Spriggan was standing there, smiling. "Such an obedient prophet." He said, reaching out to touch at Malcolm's cheek, fingers brushing through hair that he had been considering cutting. "How are things with your... group?"

"They're going quite well. We have four new followers joining the flock, they're getting settled in the group home now, until we can make their them own." Malcolm replied as he turned towards the village, but His hand gently turned his head back to face Him.

"All men again?"

"No, there are women. There is a young couple, they had just wedded and plan to start a family."

This seemed to please the Spriggan, His smile growing, there was a creaking from the patches of bark on His cheeks. "Ah, excellent, things are going according to plan!"

"Plan?" Malcolm frowned and opened his mouth to ask what He meant, but a thin finger was pressed to his lips.

"Shhh..." The Spriggan said, eyes of soil and grass shined before him. "It is beneficial for the island that the populace grows bigger, do you not agree? Families are beneficial to your community and to your lord. Now, it is wise that you do not question this, alright, prophet?"

"I..." Malcolm stared at him, before nodding. "Yes, Lord." He said, then gently pressed his lips against the finger still touching them, an apology.

His Lord looked at him, raising an eyebrow, before he laughed. "You amuse me, Malcolm. I am so glad I chose you over the others." He purred, leaning in close. "Now... go on, go tell your people that I am pleased with their progress, and that I will grant them a boost in their fields."

"Y-yes, oh, thank you, you are a generous God." Malcolm replied and took His hand, kissing the palm of it, only to stop when fingers gently lifted his chin up. He looked at the otherworldly being before him, who looked pleased.

"I am, aren't I, my dear, devoted human." He said, then pushed him back and slipped into the darkness of the forest, whistling as He returned to His burrow.

--

I love that evil plant bastard Ten, he's much more enjoyable than TLV!Ten.

[stuckinuniformdevelopment]

@albertbutyoucancallmebert

(Previous) Bert grinned the entire time Teddy was rearranging the fridge contents. “Haha, did not know that being a lieutenant came with a personal housekeeper! Hah! Ohoh! Oh I am joking. I do not mind at all.” Once Teddy settled into his chair, Bert cheekily leaned over a bit. “Do you have to give thanks to Glorn before we eat? Or… Give… ingratitude?” Bert chuckled a bit at himself, but… he almost felt bad for joking about that. Almost.

Teddy gave Bert a relieved smile. Not only did he not mind him organizing his fridges, he was pleased with it.

"Then I'll happily finish tidying up later. The last thing I want is for you to do that snooty bastard a favor and poison yourself."

When Bert asked him about the Glornists' prayers Teddy bowed his head and clasped his hands together.

"Oh glorious, gruesome Glorn. Today I extend my praise to the cramped cage this chicken lived and died in, to the slaughterhouse that deboned it alive, to militant vegans who provided the most sadistic torture methods to Glornist run farms and, most importantly, the exploited workers who made this living hell possible."

"Please allow me to devour this accursed soul to strengthen my body and mind in preparation for unspeakable evils. Ah..." Teddy's shoulders shook. "Amen."

With that Teddy started snickering, unable to hold it back any longer. "Khekhekhe... No! Thank Glorn they haven't managed to corrupt eating."

Then Teddy paused to look at Bert. "...Actually... now that I think about it... That was too plausible for a joke... I hope I didn't startle you."

[inkskinned]

i haven't been back to CT since the accident.

which is to say I hate driving in CT, every time i have to go through it to get to NYC i spend the whole time holding my breath and hoping nobody acts stupid. there are exactly 2 things in CT worth preserving: rein's deli and the mystic seaport museum - and that second one only because my grandpa loved that shit.

now, i am not particularly familiar with the specifics but it just feels like CT is not an appropriate place for a christmas tree farm. when i got The Call, Roger on the other line called it "your standard CTF" and i had to say my what and he said "you've never heard that? CTF? christmas tree farm? CTF? - or haha, if you're woke, maybe holiday farm? haha".

i hung up after that for like 12 minutes just to take a deep breath and do a 10-minute meditation so i don't peak my blood pressure. and then i said sorry my phone died and ignored him talking while i googled. oregon has the highest number of CTFs per state. most firs and standard christmas trees are in zones 4-7 and CT is mostly a 6 state, so actually maybe i was just being biased against CT when i assumed you simply can't grow the spirit of christmas down there.

i like the name balsam fir and i keep repeating it to myself. i didn't know there were so many species of christmas trees. meanwhile Roger is still talking a mile a minute. "you don't gotta come in with force but really stick it to 'em. that's what Kevin and Herb taught me - none of that nice-guy stuff, okay? we're talking quick-and-easy. get in, hand 'em the folder, get out. it's efficiency that's the matter here."

i tune him out and then eventually get the pleasure of hanging up.

I only really work for this stupid place because i need insurance for my fucking laundry list of chronic "hysterical woman" issues (EDS, POTS, PCOS. probably something else with a fun acronym, why not). i fucking hate it here, except that it's actually been, like... fine? since the top 6 account managers kind of (i guess) disappeared - including my 2 bosses, Kevin and Herb.

most of us are just like, still doing our job. we still have meetings. there's less weird jokes. the meetings are much shorter. we just present our stuff and go home. so imagine how i fucking feel getting in my stupid honda civic and driving the 3 hours down from boston to bum-fuck just to... check on the boys.

i grew up on a farm, so im not too surprised when the road suddenly turns from "gravel" to "makeshift" to "shut the gps off, it's just confused at this point." no worries. a guy in a torn flannel drew a picture for me at the last gas station. he had leaned over and sniffed a little while sipping his Dunks. they got good trees.

they do. after a little white picket fence, suddenly the entire road is swarmed by them. firs on all sides like a coat. red twine marks off alleys of pine; cute little bows shine on the top of many. bells and white plastic deer and each branch dusted with glittering pristine snow. ornaments and little santas peeking out of present boxes.

i lean over the steering wheel and glance upwards. "aw shit. it's fucking cute here." in my passenger's seat, TERMINATION OF ACCOUNT is a red folder. i don't feel fucking good about this. i don't want to fucking do this. there's a freaking hand-painted sign saying family-owned! with handprints on it and tiny little names scrawled under it. jesus christ(mas). i'm 1000% going to hell for doing this.

on the other hand, Jen was one of the 6. like, losing the men was fine. but it is weird that jen never came back last month. i'm like, too feminist to feel okay with that. obviously yes quit your job and walk out but like - she had a life before she left. apartment and everything it sounds like.

i give up trying to bump my car over the potholes and end up walking the last 1.2 miles. it's been getting warmer these years, which i hate - but it's a lot colder here than i expected. the weather app said 54F. it feels maybe 21. the smell of snow warns me before i glance upwards - sure enough, decadent fresh flakes come tumbling down.

aw fuck. if it was gonna snow i should have put my windshield wipers up. i nestle closer into my jacket and pointlessly check my out-of-service phone for the 125th time. i realize only now i fucking forgot the folder in the fucking car.

the little house-barn-store is too close and i'm too cold at this point, so fine. the whole thing is covered in warm white lights and cute decorations. old christmas music is coming out of speakers placed at the end of the tree aisles.

i practice what i'm going to say. hi. i'm with Herrington Asset Management. we have sent, like. a lot of representatives. what did you do with the 6 entire human beings that came down here.

wait, why am i just now realizing our acronym is HAM? okay, so i'm going to say -

a man with a bright smile and a red flannel comes out from behind a work shed, wiping his hands on a rag. he's pretty, the way men can be pretty sometimes: rugged and approachable, blue eyes, 5'oclock shadow. he fills out that flannel well. "didn't hear ya come in, my apologies! what can i do ya for?"

i'm with HAM and I'm here to shut down your CTF. "hi."

"hi." he smiles wider. "welcome."

"um..." i sniff a little, feeling stupid. i keep thinking about my parents and how fucking hard it actually is to keep a farm. like, they say it a lot in movies, but it's genuinely like really very hard. fucking A, man. I don't want to do this.

he squints at me. "you from around here?"

i try not to bristle - is that because i'm fucking hispanic and allowed outdoors in CT - and suck in a breath. "no, i, um..." i decide to tell the truth. "a guy at cumby's told me where to find ya."

he laughs, and the sound is a sonic boom in the stillness. "that'd be Ron. he's a looker, huh? no, i recognize all our regulars, is all. don't recognize you."

HAM is located in Jersey and i work remote, so i take a second pass at radical honesty. my yoga teacher would be so proud. "i'm from boston, actually. just swinging through."

"oh? for real? laurel's from boston - she's my fiancée. how 'bout that. small world. can you believe - she left the big city for a dunce like me and now i get to marry the best lady around."

i do the little appropriate chuckle you are supposed to do when someone you don't know is also from the same major metropolitan area that you are from. also, that's extremely sweet to say about his partner. i am a sucker for wife-guys. "no kidding?"

"how are you liking conneticut? it's beautiful this time of year."

"it's..." fine? "more snow than i expected. weather said clear through 'til like thursday."

he offers me a warm hand. "i'm nick. what brings ya down here?"

i can't remember the name on the account. maybe it's in her name. and didn't i just say i was passing through? i flash him a smile while i think of the easiest way to warm him into the idea of shutting down his personal business. fuck. "um, just had some stuff to handle."

"that time of year, huh?" at my noncommittal smile, he waves a big, meaty paw. "come inside, i'll getcha some hot chocolate. laurel just made cookies."

he leads me into the store part of the building, and i stop for a second to pick up a tiny ornament shaped like a cottage. okay, this shit really is very cute.

"christmas really is the best holiday of all of 'em," he sighs. "wouldn't you agree?"

no, that's halloween. "sure," i say. i hold up the ornament. "this is nice." i glance around. "this is all... very rustic."

"sometimes you gotta just hit the brakes and slow down. this town is so perfect for that. places like this are so rare, ya know?"

oh i really fucking hope he doesn't know i'm from HAM. literally that would be such a vibe killer. "very rare," i agree.

i follow him into the back. i pause at the green velvet-rope stanchion that blocks off a hallway presumably leading into the "house" portion of the building. "oh. i can stay out here...?" because i am not going into this man's house. alone.

"don't be silly." he wraps his arm around mine like a gentleman and i almost scratch his damn eyes out, except i'm genuinely so fucking shocked by the boldness of the action that i just sort of follow him down the hallway. "i won't letcha leave without a cookie."

he walks me into a simply stunning kitchen. the ceiling skyrockets into a beautiful, tinseled roof. the living room folds out to the left of the kitchen island. a fire is roaring, and a massive christmas tree winks cheerily at me. outside the huge windows, the snow peacefully rests in perfect layers.

well, there's part of their money problems. they need better insulation because paying for heat in a building with this many windows has got to cost an arm and a leg. nevermind how much dust must collect on those exposed beams. why do people design houses like this - have they never cleaned?

also, they need to stop spending half their budget on christmas decorations. surely not every surface needs to be frosted with pottery barn items. it is dangerously close to a modernized cracker barrel in here. i wander into the living room, trying not to be jealous of the casual wealth.

nick stands next to me and chuckles. "this kinda weather always makes me want cookies. but that's what laurel's here for, i guess."

"you have a pretty place," i say, because i am clearly staring.

"oh, i don't know. needed a woman's touch." he winks at me and goes behind the granite kitchen island to wash his hands. "you shoulda seen it before laurel."

"oh yeah?"

he nods. "had some money troubles. 'course, she is an angel and organized a whole fundraiser. mind you - she's only been here but a second when she does. i proposed to her right then and there."

i can't help it. i genuinely fucking love that. "that is incredible," i say. "how precious to find love like that."

"she's my answer to all life's problems. truly."

"honey?" a warm voice greets us and a lady comes around the corner, one hand in an oven mitt. "do we have a customer?"

i stop moving.

her hair is darker now. her smile is wider. something opens a pit in my stomach and i fall through myself. i put my hand on my stupid useless phone and take a step backwards.

"oh!" her white teeth shine. "hi there. you're not from around here, are you?" she picks up a tray of cookies. "i recognize all our regulars."

the man laughs. "rob is tellin' on us again." she laughs too, tinkly and high and beautiful.

of course she doesn't recognize me, we're remote and don't work on the same accounts, i was never high up enough -

nick gives her a little slap on the back that makes her stumble. she laughs and wipes a little bit of flour on his nose affectionately.

maybe i'm not being fair. she could have legitimately found love and dropped out of our shitty job. he wraps his arms all the way around her and buries his nose in her hair. "my girl," he says.

"i'm laurel," she smiles at me. "i'm his fiancee. come inside, let me getcha some hot chocolate."

he picks up a cookie from the counter and waves at me. "i'm gonna go whack on a tractor for a few minutes, but i'll leave you in the capable hands of my beautiful christmas girl," he promises. "warm up, and then let's go back out there and pick you out something nice."

i force a smile at him and at her and watch him leave. i do not move. i stay perfectly still, like an animal. because here's the thing: her name isn't laurel.

maybe she's conning him?

i stare at her. she doesn't seem to notice, instead taking a bag of white icing out of the large, beautiful fridge. "how are you liking conneticut? isn't it beautiful this time of year?"

"jen, what the fuck is happening."

she arranges a single gingerbread man on her countertop and starts icing him. "how are you liking conneticut?" she repeats. "isn't it -"

"it's beautiful this time of year," i say.

"christmas is the best holiday of all," she sighs, "wouldn't you agree?"

"sure," i say. i put the phone in my pocket. i stand up straighter. "i am really just..." going to leave now. maybe i should try subtlety. "don't i know you from somewhere?" like, ya know, work?

the cookie is too hot and the icing is melting as she draws the outlines on the gingerbread. a bead of sweat trickles down her nose. "i'm from the big city," she says. "but now i am going to be married to the best man around. i'm his beautiful christmas girl."

"right, but which big city?"

"i'm from the big city. how are you liking conneticut?"

there is ice in my gut. i am getting the pure, foreboding sense of fuck that which i am pretty sure is genetically engineered in me. in spanish we call it espookies. i try to make it look casual while i walk closer and closer to the exit. i pretend to look at the decorations closely. "i'm just wondering because your partner said you're from boston?"

she laughs. the cookie icing is pooling on the counter. "sometimes you gotta just hit the brakes and slow down. this town is so perfect for that. places like this are so rare, wouldn't you agree?" she pushes the gingerbread to the side and starts working on the next one.

it's hot in here, i realize. too-hot. sweat licks down my back. i watch it slide down her neck, down her arms.

she outlines a melting gingerbread man. "what brings you down here?"

"i had..." i feel my voice crack. the hallway back into the store is within a few steps at this point. "...some stuff to handle."

"that t-"

"that time of year," i finish for her.

she stares at me. the icing has burst out of the bag and is melting down her wrists and over her apron. "doesn't this weather make you want cookies?"

i put one heel into the hallway, trying to back up as subtly as possible.

she looks up at me. icing melts over the counter. "doesn't the weather make you want cookies?"

i'm so close to making a bolt for it. but when i look at her and the icing and her perfectly applied lipstick i just fucking can't. my heart breaks for her. i need to at least fucking try.

"jen - laurel - whatever," i hiss. "i don't know what fucking happened but - we need to fucking leave." i glance behind me. "jen, this isn't fucking okay. whatever he's doing to you - we can get out of here. call the cops. something."

"it's beautiful this time of year."

"jen. come on girl, i will put you in my fucking car. but we got to go. i don't know if it's like a cult thing or -" i hork down a breath and feel dangerously close to crying. "please."

"doesn't the weather make you want cookies? that's what i'm here for!"

i take another step backwards and a hand comes down on my shoulder. when i jump, nick is back, and laughing.

"sorry about that." tucked under one arm is a huge ax. nick wipes his hands on a rag. "low on oil. you get a cookie from the missus? that's what she's -"

"balsam fir," i blurt. "i'm looking for a balsam fir."

he puts the axe over one shoulder. "oh? i love balsam. good choice. didn't expect a city slicker like you to know much about christmas trees." he lets out a laugh and so does she.

sweat is beading down my back. "i grew up on a farm," i feel my voice come out creaky and high.

he laughs again. "when you came in, i thought - this lady is corporate. you know how we take to that."

"money troubles," jen says from the kitchen. "we had money troubles."

my lips feel dry. i manage to slide by him, closer to the store. i force a watery smile. "oh. no, sir."

"they come in with a folder, talking about our CTF. i said i've been doing this for years."

my heart is slamming against my chest. i take another step down the hallway. i throw a look to jen.

she opens the oven and sticks her head inside.

"you know," nick says. "the firs are out by where you left your car."

i didn't tell him where i left my car. "oh, great." i say. "must be a sign." i take another step. and then another. i feel the weight of the velvet rope behind me and jump a second time.

"from the big city" jen says, her voice muffled by the oven. "how are you liking conneticut? this place needed a woman's touch."

at the other end of the long hallway, Nick swings the axe to come home in his hands. "it needs a woman's touch," he says.

yeah, absofuckinglutely not.

i turn and bolt, wiggling past the rope, stumbling into the many, many ornament displays. above me, white christmas rings out while i run-walk through wreaths and bobbles and reindeer. tears prick at the side of my eyes but being raised on a farm teaches you the professional art of being incredibly good at a panicked run-walk.

behind me, i hear nick pacing the store. the rope must have slowed him down. he's bigger than i am - he doesn't weave through things as easily. thank god.

i throw myself against the front doors and burst out into the chill and immediately feel a cough in my chest. the snow whips through the air. i dash past handmade right this way to holiday cheer! signs and tinsel. behind me, like a ghost, nick stomps his way ever-closer. i dart into the thickest part of the trees, hoping he will lose me in the snow and branches.

"you're from boston, right?" he shouts. "my ex was from boston. small world."

i dart across the wet snow and almost slide on the black ice underfoot. fuck fuck fuck fuck i cannot run a fucking mile in the cold. see above multiple chronic reasons for this. my bones and joints are already fucking hurting as i try to shimmy my way through the boughs, alternatively running and hiding. if i survive this, i wont be able to move for like a week.

if. good fucking lord. if.

"it's a nice place," he calls. i can't locate him in the whip of the snow. "it just needs a woman's touch."

thankfuckinggod im used to snow and blizzards because otherwise i would be utterly fucked. i try to keep any amount of calm in my body while i manage the slide-waddle of running on black ice - the backwards lean and body-tilt that i've practiced many times over farmland. the kind of tilt-run that is only possible if you've done it before. thankfuckinggod i'm not a city slicker - the trick isn't to rush.

but fuck it would be nice to rush right now!

over the speakers, white christmas restarts. i fork my keys through my fingers into a sharpened fist. i pause only for a second to pick up a particularly swingable gnome and then i keep fucking running. my chest feels like liquid fire. i can't stop coughing. christmas trees rise up on all sides of me. i can't get a breath down. the air feels like a fire hose. every step i take fucking echoes. go go go go go go.

i dart, he laughs, i freeze. i dash my way forwards. a branch cuts into my cheek. my nose is full of the smell of pine. my hands are sticky with sap and i'm covered in green needles.

i keep going. if i fucking die on a christmas tree farm i hope i poison all of the trees and end christmas. i run and hide and run and hide. i have no idea where that fucker is but i am not going to be caught relaxing for a moment.

my knee makes a particularly sharp turn and i know for a fact i've just done some serious damage. i slap my hand down onto it and hide inside the branches a particularly thick tree, trying to catch my breath for a second.

a family owned! sign winks up at me. the little handprints are the names of children, but the big ones say Steve and Piper. the date on it is from this year.

i simply do not have the time to care about that. i shiver through several calming breaths, trying to force my body back into running. i stumble into a clearing and recognize it as the road i took in.

something loud and banging starts and i know in my bones it's the sounds of a tractor starting up.

my heart drops and i seriously think about just laying down on the ground and letting him run me over.

except there is my car, blanketed peacefully in a white layer. i should have put the fucking windshield wipers up.

what-the-fuck-ever. my hands are shaking too much. i just need to get inside the fucking thing and go. i will ruin my suspension but i will take every pothole dead on if i must.

the tractor lights slice through the blizzard, heading right towards my car. it bounces jovially over the snow and potholes, unhindered.

nick is on the back of it, swinging his axe, laughing.

over the hum of his engine he calls: "how are you liking conneticut?"

Sending my most reliable corporate staffer to Connecticut to shut down a Christmas tree farm. Wish me luck