#fanboy tom riddle

[virgil-anon]

An idea: Harry's a famous singer, and Tom's his obsessed fan. He has his entire discography memorized and tracks down everyone he's ever been romantically involved with and written music about. He's jealous of all of Harry's lovers, listens the songs about their breakups, and catalogs all the ways they failed him, but Tom would never do that; he'd be the perfect lover. Harry's recently admitted to being single and Tom was sure he had a chance! But then he was spotted by the paparazzi with the famous rugby player Ginny Weasley, and Tom's dreams are shattered. But he's not afraid of getting his hands dirty if it means making sure Harry is his.

[theonceandfuturequeenoftarts]

After binge-watching and listening to every bit of media relating to Harry Potter he can find, Tom has made a few observations:

Harry Potter’s musical style shows a distinct influence from Tom’s music. This isn’t surprising, given how much of a formative influence Potter has said Tom was for him, but it’s one thing to have the boy say it. It’s another entirely to hear how his work has indelibly marked another musician;

The boy’s band, Silverish, is quite good. They’re gaining national recognition and airplay currently, and their social media presence has helped them establish a strong fanbase. Their star is in ascension in a crowded market niche; and, on a more personal note,

Potter is an attractive and talented person who speaks as though Tom is some kind of demigod. He’s exactly Tom’s type.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Tom Riddle's search history:

Silverish upcoming shows

Harry Silverish 

Harry Potter

Harry Potter relationship

Harry Potter - Tom Riddle

What is RPF

Harry Potter/Tom Riddle fiction

Harry Potter/Lord Voldemort ao3

What is ABO

"Humanity was a mistake,” Tom states with a delicate grimace. Without asking for clarification or even looking up from her guitar, Bellatrix nods in agreement.

(Snippet #2 to match yesterday's Band AU snippet)

(The source chapter for this snippet)

[deadghosy]

SLYTHERIN BOYS MASTERLIST

(Ordered by post date/hogwarts legacy is included)

HARRY POTTER

🐍 If you missed the hoop while playing basketball

🐍 Platonic Slytherin boys with a keeper friend

🐍“I’m allergic to bullshit”

🐍 Reacting to you saying “you’re gonna pass out”

🐍 React to you saying “someone is staring”

🐍 Taking an ugly picture of them

🐍 Reacting to you clogging up their toilet

🐍 React to you being outside despite being allergic to mosquitoes

🐍 React to you passing out

🐍 Reacting to you oversleeping

🐍 Curly hair! Reader (poc friendly)

🐍 React to you giggling at your phone

🐍 Platonic Slytherin boys with adhd friend

🐍 The type of drivers they are as memes

🐍 Texting them “I think someone is following me”

🐍 When someone tries to bully you

🐍 How they react to you saying “I’m hungry”

🐍 React to you driving crazy

🐍 React to you saying “I hate you” to them

🐍 Reacting to you saying “ima kill myself”

🐍 Mattheo with a male roommate pt.1

🐍 Mattheo with a male roommate pt.2

🐍 Coquette! reader

🐍 Reacting to you being a telepathic/having telekinesis

🐍 Best friend! Mattheo headcannons pt.1//pt.2//pt.3

🐍 Modern Slytherin boys with a male figure skater

🐍 Chaos magic user! Reader

🐍 Platonic modern Slytherin boys with an insomniac male roommate

🐍 Reacting to you dancing alone

🐍 Reacting to you falling asleep during a movie

🐍 Percy Jackson! Reader w/mattheo

🐍 Reacting to m! Reader shaving

🐍 Platonic high! mattheo

🐍 High Theo x reader

🐍 You being scared awake by thunder

🐍 Slytherin boys when they miss you

🐍 Werewolf M.R, T.N, & L.B

🐍 How they would pick you up

🐍 Crybaby! Mattheo

🐍 Teddy-T.N

🐍 Vlogger! Mattheo pt.1//pt.2

🐍 Slytherin boys w/ blind!reader

🐍 July 4th with the Slytherin boys

🐍 Reacting to you falling face first

🐍 Reacting to you falling asleep to them talking

🐍 Reacting to you doing a back flip

🐍 Fanboy! Slytherins with a singer!reader

🐍 Owl!reader

🐍 French!reader getting hurt

🐍 Slytherin boys with witch beauty gf

🐍 Vampire mattheo

🐍 Vampire Tom

🐍 Reacting to their boyfriend having scars

🐍 Ghostface! Mattheo

🐍 Being mattheo’s childhood friend to lover: male version//female version

🐍 Mattheo (fem!reader) during your birthday

🐍 Slytherin boys with a black fem!reader who tall like Megan thee stallion

🐍 Reacting to you crying

🐍 Reacting to m!reader picking them up

🐍 Stalker!Mattheo

🐍“A love that burns.” Poet!mattheo

🐍 Summertime with mattheo riddle

🐍 Being best friends with Lorenzo

🐍 Beach days with Theodore Nott

🐍 Theodore Nott being your yandere best friend

🐍 Sugar daddy!Tom headcannons

🐍“All men are shit..except for you” SB reacting to you saying this

🐍 Old money!Theodore Nott headcannons + moodboard

🐍 Reacting to reader being a manipulator

🐍 Hoodie stealer-Mattheo

🐍 Toxic!theodore nott banners

HOGWARTS LEGACY

🐍 Platonic Ominis headcannons

🐍 Platonic Sebastian headcannons

🐍 Werewolf Sebastian & Ominis x reader

🐍 Sebastian & Ominis with a merfolk! Reader

🐍 Loverboy! Modern Sebastian headcannons and imagines

🐍 Platonic sliver trio headcannons

🐍 Ominis with a hufflepuff lover

🐍 Platonic brotherly headcannons with Sebastian and m!mc

🐍 Chaotic modern Sebastian headcannons

🐍 Ominis x blind!reader headcannons

🐍 Modern platonic Sebastian headcanons with m!mc

🐍 Chaotic modern sliver trio headcanons & imagines

SIBLING! READER

🐍 React to sister! Reader dating

🐍 React to their little sibling falling in their dorm

🐍 Sister!reader on her first period

🐍 Riddle brothers with a sister having a Mandy personality

🐍 Baby! Reader taking their first steps

🐍 Modern au riddle brothers with a little sibling

🐍 Reacting to eating their food

🐍 Baby sibling falling asleep on them

🐍 Reacting to sibling reader crying/bullied

🐍 Reacting to sibling reader ignore them

🐍 Draco with a twin gryffindor sister

🐍 Reacting to little sibling cling to them after holiday

[aethon-recs]

This Week in Tomarrymort (12 – 19 September 2024)

Hi everyone, so sorry this is a couple of days late this week! Will be back on the normally scheduled time next week!

As with last week, please feel free to add a little overview/summary about your update to the notes! I so enjoyed reading all the notes last week 🤍

(And in case you missed, a recap of the extra notes from last week!)

Ills of Murder by @shadow-of-the-eclipse (E, 37k, WIP) [source] "Harry comes in swinging from a bleak version of sixth and seventh years, fully intending to kill Tom. Unfortunately it seems the only people Tom and Harry are incapable of killing is the other. Harry's on attempt 4 and counting and this time he gives up on spells and decides to punch Tom Riddle's nose off. Tom's still utterly enamoured with him." friend of the devil (a friend of mine) by @shyinsunlight (E, 11k, WIP) [source] "When after four long years Harry and Tom meet again, the world turns upside down. Or maybe it was upside down all along, and it’s now flipping back over." These Fragments We've Shored by @rowena-rain (M, 23k, WIP) [source] "Things have gone from bad to worse, and Harry is finally about ready to take matters into his own hands…even if it means defying the normal laws of Magic and actually doing something for himself for once. (Guess which one will be harder for him 😂) In this update, Harry and Voldemort unexpectedly come face to face for the first time since the Dark Lord's death…which leads to a disturbing realization for Harry." Anytime, Anywhere, Always by @moontearpensfic (E, 13k, WIP) [source] "A Harry-corrupts-Tom AU: Tom expects to feel victorious at his greatest enemy's confession. Instead, he develops a crush on him." the crushing weight of cancelling your fav by @cindle-writes (M, 4k, complete) [source] "Tom Riddle has made millions and built a cult following around his politics-themed online stream, much to his boyfriend Harry’s bemusement. However, bemusement quickly turns into concern when Harry meets one of Tom’s biggest, most fervent fanboys, Regulus Black."

Now onto the updates from this week!

*

Tomarrymort One Shots and Completed Fic

Chapter 22 (Completed) of A Shot in the Dark by Ragdolly

One Shot | The Dinner by moontear for @moontearpensfic

One Shot | There's Something About (The Way You Are) by Ragdolly

*

Tomarrymort Ongoing Fics

Chapter 12 of the stars, my destination by @milkandmoon-ao3

Chapter 1 of bad moon rising by sansaerys

Chapter 11 of Sits the wind in that quarter by @mosiva

Chapter 2 of a pound of flesh by @ictyn

Chapter 8 of Saint Harry by @alenablack @chaos-bear

Chapter 34 of Part One - The Solitude of Suffering by @iseliljathedreamer

Chapter 18 of Date Ideas for the Linguistically Inclined by Antique_Mango

Chapter 14 of Double-Aspect Paradox by TimaeusKosmou

Chapter 6 of God is a Wizard by @onehitpleb

Chapters 121 through 123 of Liquida Tenebris (Remastered) by @dymis

Chapter 17 of Learning to love by @l-archiduchesse

Chapter 1 of The Cosmos In Your Eyes by @v33r00

Chapter 7 of Do It Over by @thefangirlibrarian

Chapter 6 of These Fragments We've Shored by @rowena-rain

Chapter 21 of Time Stumbler by Wintumn

Chapter 4 of Hole in the Wall by tomrddle

Chapters 1 through 3 of Fetters of the Damned by @sc0rpiflow3r

Chapter 16 of Outrunning the Villain in You by @zenyteehee

Chapter 5 of midnight train by @girl-with-goats

Chapter 43 of Of Monsters, Of Men by @ca-xan-dra

Chapter 2 of the body is a blade by @lovely-lotus

Chapter 2 of Dream a little dream (of me) by @cenedrariva

Chapter 12 of Just Business by @holaolla1

*

[wintersoldierslover]

my fic recs masterlist

---

Bucky Barnes:

all bucky barnes

headcanon  -  blurb  -  one-shot  -  series - two-parter

40s  -  The Winter Soldier  -  Avenger  -  TFATWS

dbf!bucky  -  brother’s bff  -  bff’s brother

neighbour  -  housewife reader

lumberjack  -  firefighter  -  bodyguard

priest bucky  -  college

football player  -  hockey player  -  boxer

professor  -  teacher  -  librarian/bookshop

coffee shop  -  soulmate  -  royal

other AUs  -  taboo

moodboard  -  deactivated:(

---

Stranger Things characters:

all eddie munson  -  all steve harrington

eddie and steve (x reader)

billy hargrove  -  jason carver  -  mike wheeler

dmitri enzo antonov  -  jim hopper

robin buckley  -  nancy wheeler

---

Outer Banks Characters:

all Rafe Cameron

all JJ Maybank

Rafe Cameron and JJ Maybank (x reader)

Pope Heyward  -  Topper Thorton

John B.  -  Sarah Cameron

Kiara Carrera

---

Marvel characters:

Wanda Maximoff  -  Kate Bishop

Natasha Romanoff  -  Yelena Belova

Peter Parker  -  Pietro Maximoff

Steve Rogers  -  Stephen Strange

Frank Castle  -  Matt Murdock 

Moon knight  -  Steven Grant

Joaqín Torres - Clint Barton

Loki Laufeyson  -  Druig

Eddie Brock  -  Miles Morales

Miguel O’hara  -  Hobie Brown

---

Harry Potter characters:

Sirius Black  -  Remus Lupin 

James Potter  -  Poly!Marauders

Lily potter  -  Cedric Diggory

George Weasley  -  Fred Weasley

Severus Snape  -  Tom Riddle

Draco Malfoy

---

Avatar (James Cameron) charachters:

neteyam  -  aonung  -  lo’ak

rotxo  -  kiri  -  spider

jake sully  -  neytiri  -  tsu’tey

tonowari  -  ronal  -  colonel quaritch

---

Top Gun chracters:

Fanboy  -  Hangman  -  Rooster  -  Bob

Iceman

---

Wednesday characters:

Xavier Thorpe  -  Ajax Petropolus

Wednesday Addams  -  Divina

---

Bridgerton characters:

Anthony Bridgerton  -  Benedict Bridgerton

Colin Bridgerton

---

Criminal Minds characters:

Spencer Reid  -  Aaron Hotchner

Derek Morgan

---

The Last of Us characters:

Joel Miller  -  Ellie Williams

Abby Anderson

---

The Devil All The Time characters:

Tommy Matson  -  Lee Bodecker

---

Uncharted characters:

Nate Drake  -  Sam Drake

---

Euphoria characters:

Elliot (Euphoria)  -  Fezco

---

On My Block characters:

Mario Martinez  -  Oscar Diaz

---

Modern Family characters:

Luke Dunphy  -  Alex Dunphy

---

Ted Lasso:

Roy Kent  -  Jamie Tartt

---

NHL players:

Matthew Ktachuk  -  Trevor Zegras

Nolan Patrick  -  Tyler Seguin

---

Actors:

Sebastian Stan  -  Joseph Quinn

Jamie Campbell Bower  -  Danny Ramirez

Drew Starkey  -  Rudy Pankow

Ben Hardy  -  Bella Ramsey

Jenna Ortega

---

Miscellaneous characters:

Eli ‘Hawk’ Moskowitz  -  Marcus Baker

Rodrick Heffley  -  Hunter Sylvester

Lloyd Hansen  -  Ari Levinson

Nick Fowler  -  Tangerine

Rhett Abbott  -  Hayden ‘Harvard Hottie’

Colin (Not Okay)  -  Min Ho (Xo, Kitty)

Ash (No Exit)  -  James Maguire (Derry Girls)

Jake Peralta  -  Nick Miller  -  Brian O’conner

Anakin Skywalker  -  Bruno Madrigal

Tadashi Hamada  -  Kakashi Hatake

---

Miscellaneous real people:

Billie Eilish  -  AEW Hook

---

*Updated whenever there’s a new character <3

[cosmicjoke]

When Zeke stans accuse people of only hating him because he killed Erwin… I can’t. Like Erwin is my most favorite character, and Pieck played a hand in his death but I actually really like Pieck as well. The difference is Pieck isn’t a sadist and would never actually betray her comrades. Meanwhile Zeke’s out here calling Falco and Gabi who look up to him as mere “miscalculations”.

Look, I can understand a love for villains all day. Hell, Tom Riddle is my fave character in Harry Potter lol, but I know full well that it would be silly on my part to ask why Voldemort himself would deserve hate 😭. And at least Voldemort doesn’t hide behind pretending to “save” people and would never deny his own evil. I relate to Zeke’s childhood and I have antinatalist opinions myself, and yet he’s soooo hateable. What is it that makes him so hateable??! 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 like he comes up on my screen and I get all stabby ifjfjdjfjf.

His fanboys who only see and fall for his sad childhood and not the rest of his actions that have absolutely no excuse or explanation just rile me up. They even go as far as to saying the Japanese fandom have bad taste and can’t appreciate “complex” characters like they do just because he ranks low in popularity polls there. Not only is that pretentious but racist as hell. They get so mad when their Historia waifu and Zeke manchild consistently rank low. They can’t cope with people just having different tastes that they have to tell themselves that it’s because Japanese audiences are dumb. Meanwhile they’re obsessing over a story written by a Japanese man. Help me make sense of it lmaooo.

lol, you tell me, because I seriously can't understand the sympathy Zeke gets. And yeah, that really IS racist as hell, implying or just flat out accusing Japanese audiences of having "bad taste" or being unable to understand "complex characters" just because Zeke isn't popular. Like, I'm sorry, but Zeke isn't even all that complex, either. He's a standard, run-of-the-mill narcissist with antisocial personality disorder. He's a total asshole.

It's fine to like him, but don't try and excuse his inexcusable behavior. There's no excuse for his deliberate cruelty. There's no excuse for the way he treats people like they're tool that only exist for his personal use. There's no excuse for his belief that he has the right to take other people's agency away, and decide for them whether their lives are worth living or not. Nothing in his childhood explains away or excuses ANY of that.

There's innumerable reasons, legitimate reasons, for hating Zeke that have nothing to do with him killing Erwin, and if his fans don't want to acknowledge that, then that's their problem, not anyone else'.

Zeke's just a terrible person, and his childhood didn't make him that way. He was just born like that. You can still be a fan of his while acknowledging that reality.

[saintsenara]

as part of my attempt to get attention on the internet, @celestemagnoliathewriter sent a lovely message about bookbinding, which tumblr decided to eat.

that actually seems apt, i suppose, for my best girl myrtle elizabeth riddle (née warren). after all, she starts the story being mercilessly teased by olive hornby and her gang of villains; she feels awkward, disjointed, and unlovable; nothing ever seems to go right for her; and she'd just like to be noticed and liked for who she is.

and she gets all of these things, teaching us all a crucial life-lesson in the process: no matter how annoying you are you can still finesse yourself into being anyone's dream girl.

yes. even a sinister teen edgelord who spends his evenings killing roosters and coming up with anagrams of his own name, who aspires to rip his soul into shreds and become a dictator, who hates your parents and everything they stand for until he accidentally becomes your dad's biggest fanboy. turns out all he needed was a firm hand (behave) and a chocolate frog or two.

i think this may well be the thing i've enjoyed writing the most. certainly, i was chuckling self-indulgently at a lot of it - the rabbit! the sugar mice! slughorn's party! - but i also liked that so much of it - the cave! myrtle's journey to body neutrality! dumbledore! - ended up being so straightforwardly hopeful. for a series which prides itself on the value of choice, so much about the arc of harry potter canon feels inevitable - and the direction tom riddle's life takes is one of those things.

this, with its emphasis on the transformative power of chance encounters, of love and luck and longing, of tiny kindnesses takes a different view. and, as the comments have told me, the little flickers of a changed world we get as a result have reduced more than one reader to tears.

myrtle would, i have to say, approve.

[bqrneszn]

─ : MASTERLIST + separated lists

( not created atm )

back to navi | *red : favs 2 write !

individual masterlist for each character.

★HARRY POTTER 9¾ ( MASTERLIST )

ft. harry potter, hermione granger, draco malfoy, fred weasley, george weasley, ron weasley, pansy parkinson, blaise zabini, luna lovegood, neville longbottom, theodore nott, enzo berkshire, mattheo riddle + poly !

★MARAUDERS ‽ ( MASTERLIST )

ft. marlene mckinnon, remus lupin, sirius black, james potter, lily evans, regulus black, tom riddle + poly !

★WEDNESDAY♣︎ ( MASTERLIST )

ft. wednesday addams, enid sinclair, tyler galpin, ajax petropolus, young! morticia addams, young! gomez addams + poly !

★TOP GUN ( 1986 ) ⁸⁶ ( MASTERLIST )

ft. tom 'iceman' kazansky, ron 'slider' kerner, young! pete 'maverick' mitchell, carole bradshaw, nick 'goose' bradshaw + poly !

★TOP GUN : MAVERICK ²² ( MASTERLIST )

ft. older! pete 'maverick' mitchell, bradley 'rooster' bradshaw, natasha 'phoenix' trace, jake 'hangman' seresin, beau 'cyclone' simpson, robert 'bob' floyd, reuben 'payback' fitch, javy 'coyote' machado, mickey 'fanboy' garcia, callie 'halo' bassett + poly !

★SCREAM♥︎ ( MASTERLIST )

ft. billy loomis, stu macher, dewey riley, tatum riley, randy meeks, sidney prescott, mickey altieri, derek feldman, roman bridger, jill roberts, amber freeman, chad meeks-martin, mindy meeks-martin, samantha carpenter, tara carpenter, anika kayoko, ethan landry, quinn bailey + poly !

★MCU ( MASTERLIST )

peter parker ( tom holland, tobey maguire && andrew garfield ), steve rogers, bucky barnes, natasha romanoff, miguel o’hara ( atsv ), miles morales + earth42! miles ( atsv / itsv ), gwen stacy ( atsv / itsv ), peter b parker ( atsv / itsv ), hobie brown ( atsv ), spider noir ( itsv ), pavitr prabhakar ( atsv ), moonknight ( steven grant + marc spector + jake lockley ), layla el-faouly, platonic! avengers, wanda maximoff, loki laufeyson, eddie brock + poly !

haven't fully explored !

★TVD // THE ORIGINALS ( MASTERLIST )

damon salvatore, stefan salvatore, elena gilbert, katherine pierce, niklaus mikaelson, rebekah mikaelson, elijah mikaelson

★MISC. ⅖ ( MASTERLIST )

yandere / oc's, vinny pazienza ( miles teller ), vanessa shelly

love letters

obx & others coming real soon i swear.

©bqrneszn , 2024 .

[call-sign-jinx]

My Masterlist

Top Gun + Top Gun: Maverick Masterlist

Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw

I’m Here Honey

Her

Jake “Hangman” Seresin

Głupia Cipa

Robert "Bob" Floyd

What's a wallflower?

Tom "Iceman" Kazansky

Pete "Maverick" Micthell

Reuben "Payback" Fitch

Mickey "Fanboy" Garcia

Beau "Cyclone" Simpson

Javy "Coyote" Machado

Bullet Train Masterlist

Tangerine

You’re My Top Priority

Lemon

Ladybug

Wolf

Task Force 141 + Other COD characters

Captain John Price

Simon "Ghost" Riley

John "Soap" Mactavish

Konig

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick

Marvel Masterlist

Steve Rogers

Tony Stark

Pietro Maximoff

Thor Odinson

Bruce Banner

Peter Parker

Sam Wilson

Bucky Barnes

T'Challa

Scott Lang

Peter Quill

Loki Laufeyson

Matt Murdock

Howard Stark

Frank Castle

Harry Potter Masterlist

Harry Potter

Ron Weasley

Fred Weasley

George Weasley

Cedric Diggory

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

Draco Malfoy

Blaise Zabini

Seamus Finnigan

Tom Riddle

Mattheo Riddle

Theo Nott

Enzo Berkshire

Criminal Minds

Spencer Reid

You are smarter than me.

Derek Morgan

David Rossi

Aaron Hotchner

Matt Simmons

Stephen Walker

Taglist

Just press the “ask me anything” button for requests, idk if there is one or not but if there isn’t just message me! I think u can do that too 😂

[natashatraceromanoff]

✧ 𝗪𝗘𝗟𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘 𝗧𝗢 𝗡𝗔𝗧𝗔𝗦𝗛𝗔𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗖𝗘𝗥𝗢𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗢𝗙𝗙 ✧

ABOUT

formerly @/fanboys-fangirl ❤️‍🩹

ja. 21. she/her. cancer. infp-t. book lover & multi fandom girly [ mcu, harry potter, top gun, bridgerton, the grishaverse ]

i currently write for the following:

Top Gun: Maverick Characters

Tom Riddle (Harry Potter)

MASTERLIST

this masterlist is currently being updated! (:

♡ indicates smut

TOP GUN: MAVERICK

Baby Time (Mickey “Fanboy” Garcia)

Unchained Melody (Mickey “Fanboy” Garcia)

Change Your Ticket (Mickey “Fanboy” Garcia)

HARRY POTTER

Mine (Tom Riddle) ♡

FIC RECS

you can find them here

RULES

✧ this blog is a safe space for everyone ☺️ any hateful, offensive comments will be blocked.

✧ i accept requests ONLY for the characters i currently write [ see above! ]

divider by @saradika ❤️‍🩹

[piratewithvigor]

My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station

ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band

Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along

Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady

Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof

Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY

Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to

Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name

Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares

Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy

Asia: Tuesdays

Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny

Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company

Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith

Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD

Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy

Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different

Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically

Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL

Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you

Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS

Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life

Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural

Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about

Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty

Bush: ditto

Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?

Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic

Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with

Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that

Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”

Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better

Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right

Collective Soul: who?

Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not

Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*

CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*

CSNY: David Crosby; meh

Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER

Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one

Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up

Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest

Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio

Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor

Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close

Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth

Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none

Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia

Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison

ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule

Essex, David: no prominent memories of him

Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell

Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?

Faith No More: I got nothing

Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop

Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential

Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself

Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip

Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill

Ford, Lita: deserved better

Foreigner: dramatically overplayed

Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box

Free: dramatically underplayed

Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot

Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter

Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass

Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does

Grand Funk Railroad: Funk

Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music

Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes

Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason

Green Day: the first of the emo revolution

Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen

Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that

Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?

Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool 

Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names

Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!

Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references

Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration

Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time

Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself

INXS: Terminator vibes

Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison

James Gang: too many funks

Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative

Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*

Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*

Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute

Jett, Joan: icon

J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played

Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that

John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name

John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me

Joplin, Janis: Queen

Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire

Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic

Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole

Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically

Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject

Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes

Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)

Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons

Live: I got nothin

Living Colour: slap a decent amount

Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track

Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD

McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple

Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf

Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987

Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon

Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot

Modern English: who?

Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes

Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT

Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it

Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie

Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’

Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one

Nicks, Stevie: witch queen

Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill

Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed

Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least

Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*

Offspring: nothing here

Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy

Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard

Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money

Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*

Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good

Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?

Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled

Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’

Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say

Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig

Queensryche: neutral opinion

Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that

Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music

Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent

Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it

Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it

RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)

Red Rider: basically Golden Earring

Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull

REM: American Tragically Hip

REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title

Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie

Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit

Santana: The world needs more Santana

Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend

Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say

Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)

Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you

Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us

Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater

Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it

Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know

Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having

Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison

Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan

Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions

Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard

Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015

Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable

Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself

Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them

Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously. 

Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt

Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to

Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’

Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth

Ten Years After: somehow still relevant

Tesla: not the car or the dude

The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them

The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her

The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul

The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names

The Kinks: kinky

The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile

The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours

The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have

The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it

The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s

Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?

Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern

Toto: the most memed song behind All Star

Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds

T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon

Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush

Tubes: like the yogurt

Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it

U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways

Van Halen: RIP Eddie

Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?

Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn

Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get

War: Foghat, but even groovier

Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis

Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene

Yes: To Be Continued

Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY

Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand

ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged. 

3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever

38 Special: Why 38?

[burnedhorcrux]

Teaching at Hogwarts with your boyfriend Tom Riddle would include

Hogwarts is your house, you’re both secretly afraid of leaving so you decided to just stay and teach as long as possible

A wing of the castle is dedicated to the professors’ apartments

You basically covering the walls with plants which makes Tom chuckle at how cute you are, watching and taking care of them

Tom teaches Defense Against Dark Arts and you Herbology

Teasing you about your subject :

« And you call herbology a subject ? It’s not difficult to water a plant»

« Excuuuse me ? Don’t speak of something you’re ignorant about. Prat »

*Chuckles and hugs you*

He’s the director of Slytherin and really considers it the best house. Hates muggle-borns 

Instead of him you’re very fair and think that every wizard, no matter his blood status, must be respected 

Students are afraid of him because he’s very serious and sarcastic. But he’s a really good professor and is truly passionate about his subject

Tom doesn’t make any lesson about boggarts because he’s too scared someone could discover his : his own dead body

Sitting next to each other in the Great Hall

You’re trying your best to act professional and not to do much PDA but never success. Tom can’t help holding your hands and you can’t help crossing your legs around his

“See the two at the right of McGonagall, they are dating since their year three. If i can give you an advice, don’t mess with them. If you mess with him you’ll regret it, and if you mess with her you’ll also have to deal with him”

Many students have a crush on Tom because of his charism

Giving you forehead kisses before you go to class

Going to Quidditch matches wearing your old Slytherin scarfs

You don’t really like going to Hogsmeade, you prefer dating around the castle

Tom didn’t open the Chamber of Secrets again, it would seems too obvious since Dumbledore has doubts on him (and you by consequence)

He of course created a club to invite his best students (Slug fanboy yup) and invites you as guest. He allows you to invite your best herbology students sometimes

Alsmost everyone ship you and think your couple is the cutest thing ever

“Good morning Mrs y/ln, how is Mr Riddle going ?” 

Everyone complaining to you because Tom gives horrible marks and is too demanding. He is also known for giving the worst possible punishments

When someone makes an allusion to the fact you’re dating :

You blush

He chuckles or smirks 

Patrolling in the castle together at night

« Y/n, we are supposed to be working, not to kiss against the walls »

« We can do both… »

« Well, but if Snape or Minerva arrive I denounce you »

Once a group of Ravenclaw entered the greenhouse while you were passionately kissing : you didn’t had to obliviate them, they were already too scared to say anything

“Tommm, do you think rules also apply to teachers ?” 

“Anyway love, we both know we’ve never cared about rules” 

Found a spelling mistake ?

[deadghosy]

hi!!

could you please do like head canons for Slytherin boys when they meet their favorite author?

Thanks!!

SLYTHERIN BOYS HEADCANNONS WHEN THEY MEET THEIR FAVORITE AUTHOR

Ft. the riddles, Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, && Lorenzo Berkshire

Tom Riddle

He’s a gentleman.

He’s smiling that charming smile, making small conversation as you sigh his book

He might have a slight inner child moment as he looks at you.

Tom is literally having good day! Until mattheo tried to touch his signed book. Mattheo almost died that day

Mattheo Riddle

Throws slight flirts to try and make you laugh. But I feel like honestly he’s too nervous to do that so he just laughs at a thing you say

When you signed his favorite comic book. This man is rolling in his bed and kicking his feet up and down.

Will actually punch anyone that tries to say shit about how he feels about the book

Draco Malfoy

He probably first in line. 🙁literally buying people to shut their mouths and let him up front

Anyways, he’s up there with you and he doesn’t know how to act!

He’s fangirling and just ranting a hot how he loves your books and your work

Once you sign his book, he’s making sure none of his mates dare touch his prized possession

Theodore Nott

Surprisingly, he has a lot of books of yours

So he would politely ask you to sign each and every one of them. Now he probably brought like 3 😭

If someone dared to even touch the signed books he got signed by you. He’s cutting their hands off.

Lorenzo Berkshire

Honestly fanboys so bad that you awkwardly looked at him

But after he broke out of his own little world he had you sign his favorite book you created

He was so glad to meet you!

He would legit put the signed book in a special case so it won’t be damaged

[fugamalefica]

I don't even think Tomione or Harrymort are the worst case scenario for Bellamort. Sure the ships are fanon and even crack and whenever Bella is inserted in such fics there is character bashing but have you tried OCs ? Have you read fics in which Voldemort/OC is the main pairing and Bella is thrown in there. Oh boy. The contempt just drips and the contrast/comparison is all she is good for (if not as a sex toy). Surprisingly I have rarely seen a side of a canon pairing be trashed this much as B.

I have come across a few, and the comparison is despicable. What's funny is very often it is not even true, like once I read a fic where Voldemort preferred the self-interest to Bella because he liked a little defiance and Bella was like 'a doll who nodded at his every word'. Even from the very few scenes we have of her in the books, we know it's not true as she was a critical thinker and her distrust of Snape proves that she was not vacuous or blind in following Voldemort.

I don't get why Tom Riddle fanboys and fangirls have to involve Bella in the first place. Why do they hate her so much? I suppose it's jealousy that she was the only one he ever gave a rat's whisker about when they insert themselves in the universe, and the knowledge that he would never choose them over her. What's wrong with just letting her be happy and uninvolved with Voldemort in that particular non-canon universe?

The idea of Tomione of Harrymort doesn't even bother me anymore, to be honest. All it does is make me roll my eyes or laugh at its absurdity.

[plsdonttakemyadvice]

Voldemort was lucky that I wasn’t Golden Boy Harry Potter™ because I would have ended the war before it began just by battering Tom Riddle’s self esteem. You thought the mind connection was a good thing you ballsack looking fuck? Tell me which one of your fanboys waxes your shiny ass head and which polishes it? Do they know that their follower is so incapable that they almost died trying to kill an infant? You should have thrown me out the window you incompetent wet sock

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: Nice and Easy

Blanche’s niece visits and is a little too much of a chip off the old block. Rose and Dorothy try to figure out what to do about a mouse.

Picture It...

Blanche is preparing for the arrival of her niece, Lucy, who’s in town to interview for a college transfer. Dorothy comes running in from the kitchen, afraid of a mouse that has invaded the home, and Rose’s defense of the mouse fails to sway anyone. Lucy arrives and almost immediately leaves to go on a date with a doctor she met on the plane. Blanche, who can relate to wanting to nab a hot guy, approves of her going.

ROSE: If it weren’t for a mouse, just like that little one in the kitchen, I wouldn’t be sitting here today, telling you this story. *beat* SOPHIA & DOROTHY: Call the exterminator.

The next morning, the mouse is still in the house. Blanche is upset because Lucy never came home, though she does almost immediately as Blanche says that. She spent the whole night with her doctor and now has to prep for her interview. The girls discuss this, with Rose disapproving of Lucy’s sleeping with a man she’s only known a few hours. Dorothy doesn’t want to pass judgement, and Blanche makes a comment that this isn’t in character for Lucy (oh boy, is Blanche out of touch).

Later that day, Lucy returns home from the college interview and tells Dorothy how well it went -- and that she won’t be home that night. She’s going on a date with the man who interviewed her. When she sees Blanche, she asks for permission to go away to the Bahamas, leaving out that it’s with a new man, and Blanche approves. Dorothy tells Blanche the truth and does a 180 on her previous refusal to pass judgement, telling Blanche that Lucy may be going just a bit too overboard with men -- or, as Sophia says, “Girl’s a slut.” Blanche is now more concerned about her niece, and Dorothy recommends that Blanche talk to Lucy when she gets home.

DOROTHY: *after a long story about a promiscuous woman who slept with every man in Sophia’s “godforsaken village”* Ma, what does this have to do with Lucy? SOPHIA: Not a thing. It’s the only slut story I know. *quadruple jumps over Dorothy’s checkers*

A few nights later, Blanche wakes up to see Lucy coming home with a third man, a policeman named Ed, who arrested her interviewer paramour for marijuana smuggling. Now Lucy wants to go home with Ed. Blanche finally sees that Lucy may have a bit of a problem, and puts her foot down -- or tries to, anyway. Lucy refuses to listen when Blanche tells her not to go, saying she’s an adult and can do what she wants, and storms out of the house with Ed close behind.

Blanche recounts the story to the other Girls, unsure what to do. The other Girls point out that Lucy’s at the exact age for a college rebellion. Rose relates what she did during her rebellious phase, with her example being stealing her dad’s truck to meet a boy at a bar as a high school student. Blanche’s stories are a little more sordid, and include multiple instances of running away from home -- though she says her big sister Charmaine always brought her back. Dorothy convinces her to play that role for Lucy, and they all decide to go find Lucy at Ed’s apartment, with the mouse giving them a good jump scare on the way out.

DOROTHY: Maybe Lucy could use a big sister herself right now. ROSE: If she doesn’t already have one, I don’t think it’s humanly possible.

At Ed’s apartment, it turns out his white suit wasn’t just a bad costuming choice -- he’s actually a huge fan of Miami Vice, which Lucy’s never seen. Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose arrive, and Blanche takes Lucy into another room to talk to her. Rose makes a comment about Miami Vice, and Ed goes full fanboy on her, quizzing her on the minutiae of the show and being impressed when she knows all the answers.

Blanche talks to Lucy about how the way she’s behaving around men probably isn’t getting her the kind of attention she wants, and Lucy calls her out on the hypocrisy of her saying that. Blanche points out that she dates men for her own enjoyment, not to boost her self-esteem. Lucy tells Blanche that, after being an ugly duckling in her youth, she enjoys being noticed, but Blanche says the problem is that she’s still the ugly duckling in her head, not loving and respecting herself, and no amount of male attention will fix that. They leave the apartment, with Ed asking if he can call her sometime -- Lucy is flattered, but that question was actually directed at Rose.

ED: Rose, you’re just incredible at Miami Vice trivia. I’ve never met anyone so smart! DOROTHY: Ed, for a policeman, you’ve led a very sheltered life.

Later, Dorothy corners the mouse in the kitchen with a broom in hand, prepared to kill it. However, staring it down, she can’t bring herself to hurt it, and proceeds to talk to it, not noticing Rose walk into the room. She finally tries asking the mouse to leave the way it came, and it does, shockingly. Rose is now convinced Dorothy has the power to talk to animals, much to Dorothy’s bemusement.

Lucy leaves, saying goodbye to everyone. The other Girls ask what Blanche told Lucy to help her change her attitude, and Blanche says she told Lucy that she (Lucy) doesn’t need to rely on sex to be liked. Blanche also adds that she implied that she’s not as promiscuous as she likes to claim in order to deter Lucy, but plays coy on whether or not that’s actually true.

“Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?”

This episode manages to pull off a difficult task, I think, by telling a story about sexual promiscuity that is both sex-positive (in a time before that would have really been a thing), and gently remonstrative. I realize that, given we currently live in the age of Tinder and hook-up culture in general, this episode can come off as a little preachy, but I think the general message, about how no amount of shallow attention will take the place of self-love, is still relevant.

DOROTHY: *to Lucy* We enjoyed having you. SOPHIA: So did half of Miami.

There’s a delicate balance to be found in an episode like this, because it’d be very easy to slip into a Madonna/Whore dichotomy, where a woman seeking pleasure for herself is “bad,” but this is The Golden Girls. One of the main characters of the show is an older woman who talks about sex with the same self-indulgent gusto with which most of us would describe a junk food dinner. Fittingly, Blanche does go out of her way to tell Lucy that there’s not a goddamn thing wrong with enjoying the company of men.

But the thing is, as Blanche points out, Lucy’s not doing this for pleasure or to make a connection with anyone -- she’s doing it because she needs the validation. It’s an old stereotype, but I feel like we’ve all met at least one person who measures their worth by how much attention of their desired sex they receive. And Lucy’s not just acting how she thinks popular girls act -- she’s acting how she thinks Blanche acts, and it’s fitting that it’s Blanche who helps Lucy see that this isn’t what she really wants out of her relationships.

It’s very telling that, when Lucy interrogates Blanche about what she (Lucy) looked like as a child, Blanche says that Lucy was beautiful. Lucy protests, as she didn’t see herself that way, but you never get the impression Blanche is insincere. As she points out, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, even the people who think well of you: the important part is loving yourself.

BLANCHE: Let me get a look at you, girl. Mm! Terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin. Just like looking in a mirror. SOPHIA: Get some Windex!

It’s a nice sentiment, but the show does kneecap it a little in the final scene when Blanche tells the other Girls that she told Lucy she embellishes the amount of men with whom she’s slept. This bothers me for two reasons: One, we saw the whole conversation between Lucy and Blanche, and Blanche didn’t say that. Two, Blanche just had a scene where she said there’s no shame in having sex with men -- it seems neither in character nor in keeping with the episode’s message for her to get all demure now. I choose to believe she’s just teasing the other Girls and not being strictly serious.

Getting back to Lucy, though, I do have a question: How exactly is she related to Blanche? It’s not uncommon for relatives of the Girls to randomly appear out of nowhere and never be mentioned again after their spotlight episodes -- ironic in this case considering Blanche wants her to transfer to Miami specifically so she can see her more often. You could make a damned riddle out of reconstructing the Golden Girls’ family trees.

For example, we know Lucy is Blanche’s 20-year-old niece, but we don’t know how she’s related to Blanche. Is she Virginia’s daughter? Charmaine’s? Clayton’s? At least when grandson David visited, we knew he was the offspring of Janet. Blanche mentions not wanting to talk to Lucy’s mother about Lucy’s promiscuity because she doesn’t want to breach Lucy’s trust, but the suggestion that that’s who she should go to first suggests to me one of Blanche’s sisters is her parent -- if Blanche’s brother were her father, I think Dorothy would be more likely to say, “You should talk to her father.” Beyond that, though, I have no idea.

ROSE: It wasn’t a rat! it was a cute little mouse. DOROTHY: Rose, it doesn’t wear white gloves and work at Disneyland.

By the way, I don’t mean to be petty, but I have a nit to pick with the Golden Girls Fandom Wiki: It just straight makes up shit about the Girls and presents it as fact. One of the things it makes up is the names and relationships we don’t see in the show. It gives Lucy’s name as “Lucy Warren,” and lists her as the daughter of Virginia and Tom for literally no reason other than��“because we said so.” Shape up, guys! I don’t need your headcanons in my tv show encyclopedia!

Though, speaking of encyclopedias, a little trivia for you: The allusions to Miami Vice in this episode aren’t just NBC promoting their other hit show at the time. Miami Vice inadvertently inspired the Golden Girls, as an NBC promo sketch from 1984 had Selma Diamond and Doris Roberts (of NBC shows Night Court and Remington Steele, respectively) ogling Don Johnson, and saying something about a show called “Miami Nice,” about retirees in Florida. I don’t know if any footage of that clip exists -- I sure couldn’t find it -- but Roberts and Diamond’s snappy dialogue and repartee convinced several people within NBC to develop this joke show into the real thing. Several iterations of the idea later, and we got the Golden Girls.

I also enjoy that NBC wasn’t above poking a little fun at itself and the other show. Ed’s apartment is decorated in an unbearably kitsch style, including a life-size fake sheep that Rose spends the entire scene petting. His clothes and self-conscious attempts to look “cool” are lampooned by the Girls, and even Ed admits, in a moment that feels like one set of NBC writers tweaking the collective nose of another, that the salary of an actual Miami police officer isn’t anywhere near enough to fuel the opulent Crockett and Tubbs lifestyle.

ED: Are you a fan of [Miami Vice]? ROSE: I adore it. ED: Me too! Miami Vice has been the biggest influence on my life. That’s why I joined the police force. That’s why I drive a fancy car. That’s why I wear expensive Italian suits. That’s why I’m up to my neck in hock. You can’t afford all that stuff on a vice cop’s salary... Who knew, huh?

Oh, and speaking of Ed, I think he may be one of the earliest and best depictions of a Capital-F Fanboy. He cosplays as Crockett, he attempts to emulate the Miami Vice lifestyle -- hell, it’s influenced his whole career. It’s funny, because his affectations are (rightfully) portrayed as kind of lame and silly, but nowadays I feel like he’d have a six-digit Instagram following and a successful YouTube channel.

Regarding the B-plot of the episode, there’s not much to say, except perhaps it’s the first instance of Rose’s St. Olafian quirks being the main source of conflict  -- in this case, her being convinced that she can talk the mouse into leaving rather than being killed. That’s funny because usually, when Rose’s good-natured idiocy causes a problem, the other Girls more-or-less walk around it, but this is resolved by Dorothy basically doing the exact thing she chides Rose for thinking she can do: Talk the mouse into leaving.

Also, this is going to sound silly, but whoever edited the kitchen scene is a champ. You have Bea Arthur acting at nothing, and B-roll footage of a real mouse on a kitchen set somewhere with an animal handler. Whoever edited it managed to match the perfect little mouse flinches with Bea’s dialogue, so that it really looks like it’s responding to what she’s saying. The best part is when she calls it a rat, and it looks straight at the camera as if to say “Excuse me?” I never thought I’d be praising the acting of a mouse on Golden Girls, but here we are.

Episode rating: 🍰🍰🍰 (three cheesecake slices out of five)

Favorite part of the episode:

ED: *to Rose* Tuesday night, I’m getting together with a couple of buddies. We’re going through Don Johnson’s trash! DOROTHY: Good night, Ed. We’re going to go home now, and I want you to know we’ll all sleep a lot better knowing you’re . . . off-duty tonight.