#fall out boy forever and trans and queer bodies forever

[fobnsfwdoodlesbackup]

Morning!! I am so so so excited to share the big project for January 🥺 Patrons voted for another painting this month, and for it to be t4t Joetrick with horny vibes. I worked really hard on it and you can see the full painting and variations here!

I want to just give an ENORMOUS shout out to the patrons, as this is the kind of thing I've always wanted to paint but rarely afforded the opportunity to because of money. Never in my life have I had the funding to paint something like this, so thank you a million times over.

I could go on for ages about how much this matters to me, but I hope you'll take a moment to explore it and inspect it and decide what it means to you. Joe has top surgery scars, Patrick has stretch marks, they both have body hair that I drew each individual hair for.

To be able to paint middle aged trans men as erotic and sexy is so special to me. To be able to whole heartedly and lovingly depict body features without censorship or sanitization is an experience I'd never had. It means so much to me not only to have a group of people who will look at this work, but who will actively ask for it, appreciate it, save it, and really take the time to live in it for a bit.

I couldn't ask for a better audience, y'all are the best of the best. Thank you (patrons and not!) For seeing the value in my work and in human sexuality, and for helping to create a space where it's openly celebrated rather than tolerated or hidden away.

Thank you thank you thank you 🫶🫶🫶

[chaoscheebs]

So I've gotten into visual novels a bit more recently, do you have any recommendations? I've been a gamer all my life but vns are kind of a blind spot for me. Maybe some of the more popular ones on the DS and a handful of PC ones are about all I know.

Most of the ones I've played are adult ones (i.e. have sex scenes in them), but I can give some recs if that's not an issue.

All Ages:

-Jack Jeanne for the Switch is a really solid one and for something that includes hiding the protag's gender (she's in an all-boys school for theater), it doesn't fall into weird/horny tropes about it? Like no "oh no someone walked into me changing oh me oh my" nonsense, for example. Plus there's some characters that read very trans/gender non-conforming and I am living for it.

It's very slice-of-life, very pretty, and if you like/can work with stat-building dating sims and the rhythm game sections, I'd recommend it!

Guys Who Like Ladies (not all-ages):

--Princess Waltz is like my favorite VN of all time, it's so fucking good. It's about this (seemingly) normal dude who ends up entangled in this other magical world's tournament to pick a bride for the prince of a country in said other world, and boy howdy for something that is aimed at straight male audiences it is REALLY GAY (affectionate/positive).

The main "girl"? The prince. Who reallyreally comes off as a trans dude. It is awesome.

There's all sorts of cool fights, girls in cool/cute outfits, the "token loli" acts her actual age and is probably one of the most mature of the lot (god i love Suzushiro), it has Lun-Lun, the second best proper girl, yaoi fangirls, and a cute lil' dragon man.

I will provide a quick warning tho': it contains (accidental, they had NO IDEA beforehand) incest, potential adoptive sibling banging, and depending on how you see Chris, potentially misgendering. :c

If you can get past that, tho', it's fantastic and has a bangin' soundtrack.

--9-nine is a urban fantasy-ish multiverse-spanning mystery series in 5 parts: 4 for each girl and one extra epilogue game that wraps up the loose ends nicely. It also contains cool action scenes, has a great cast of characters, and even makes a Wild Arms 2 reference, which cements it in my heart forever.

Each game is a route, and while you could skip one and still get the story (and you might want to, one of the games focuses on the protag's main full-blooded sister who, uh, yeah, they eventually bang), but each part connects to the next and gives you more information to piece together, and it all comes together wonderfully. ;A;

Also, the male lead has a face, is voiced, and has a personality, which is a rare triple-crown in the VN world when it comes to het-focus stuff.

9-nine also has an "all-ages" cut, which can be found on Steam, if that makes a difference.

QUEER SHIT FUCK YEAH:

--Ne no Kami is a yuri VN which is in two parts (with a loosely-connected "prequel" that is plot-light called Sacrament of the Zodiac and has a successor plot-heavy series that has one part out called Watamari, all of which are yuri stores) and IT. IS. SO. FUCKING. GOOD. It and Princess Waltz battle for my heart for the number 1 spot.

The protag is a "normal" girl named Len, who gets drawn into this secret war against the ayakashi thanks to a mix of her childhood friend coming back into her life and her parents up and disappearing on her, and it gets... the actual images are never graphic in the violence sense, but it gets a bit brutal in the fight scenes. Which fucking rule.

It's a good balance of slice of life and battles (and girls kissing other girls of course) and the music fucking rules.

There is also an "all-ages" cut on Steam.

--No,Thank You!! is a BL VN, and it is also really good, but really fucking heavy and I have to give several caveats before recommending it. There is references to (and at least one on-screen instance of) rape, references to in-universe snuff films, non-consensual body modification to the point of body horror, drugs, and child trafficking, tho' everything mentioned past the rape is never shown on-screen.

If your can get past all that, you're in for a wild fucking ride. Haru is the (openly bi!!!!!) protagonist, who seemingly got amnesia in an accident saving this middle-aged man, and so the middle aged man, who is the protag of his own story that's interwoven in the background as he searches for his missing son and dips his toes into some Serious Shit(tm) as a result, sees to it that Haru has shelter and a job until he recovers.

Also, yakuza and a secret underground society that does Seriously Fucked-Up Shit(tm) are all interwoven into the plot, especially the latter.

Also Hiroyuki is best boy I make the rules.

--------

Anyway, that should be a pretty good starter kit. I'd also throw in Yume Miru Kusuri, which is a more grounded in realism story, but also it's really meta and not a good starter VN (... although it was MY starter VN, please give me a route for the canon gay dude in a fan disc I am begging you). It also. Um. Deals with heavy subjects (bullying, drug use...). So maybe see how you feel about these before that.

[ireadyabooks]

Read with Pride! 🏳️‍🌈

Representation across the queer spectrum is crucial, as all readers should see themselves reflected in the stories they love! 🏳️‍🌈 We’ve pulled together a list of books to read that feature gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, asexual, aromantic, and sapphic relationships, characters, and stories.

Here are some of our favorite books encompassing the LGBTQIA+ community! ✨

Heartstopper Volume 1

Now streaming on Netflix! Boy meets boy. Boys become friends. Boys fall in love. A sweet and charming coming-of-age story that explores friendship, love, and coming out. This edition features beautiful two color artwork.

Nick and Charlie

From the mega-bestselling creator of Heartstopper, a must-have novella in which Heartstopper's lead characters, Nick and Charlie, face one of their biggest challenges yet. Nick will soon be leaving for university, and Charlie, a year younger, will be left behind. Everyone knows that first loves rarely last forever. What will it take for Nick and Charlie to defy the odds?

Loveless

From Alice Oseman, author of Heartstopper, comes an honest and relatable novel about realizing that it’s okay to not have sexual or romantic feelings for anyone — because there are plenty of other ways to find love and connection.

I Was Born For This

A funny, wise, and heartbreakingly true coming of age novel. I Was Born for This is a stunning reflection of modern teenage life, and the power of believing in something — especially yourself.

The Honeys

A twisted and tantalizing horror novel set amidst the bucolic splendor of a secluded summer retreat.

The Feeling of Falling in Love

A new kind of love story about the bad decisions we sometimes make... and the people who help get us back on the right path. Perfect for fans of Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston and What if It’s Us by Adam Silvera and Becky Albertalli.

This is Our Place

Three teens — in three different decades — navigate life, love, and family. This is our Place is a novel about queer teens dealing with sudden life changes, family conflict, and first loves, proving that while generations change, we will always be connected to each other.

Destination Unknown

From Stonewall Award winner Bill Konigsberg, a remarkable, funny, sexy, heartbreaking story of two teen boys finding each other in New York City at the height of the AIDS epidemic.

Gay Club

Barney’s a shoo-in for his school’s LGBTQ+ Society President at the club’s next election — until the vote is opened to the entire student body. Can the club members put politics aside and stand united? Gay Club is a landmark comedic novel about a group of queer teens at their worst — and ultimately their best.

The Library of Broken Worlds

A girl matches wits with a war god in this kaleidoscopic, thought-provoking tale of oppression and the cost of peace, where stories hide within other stories, and narrative has the power to heal — or to burn everything in its path.

Love Letters for Joy

Joy is asexual, but that’s no reason she can’t experience first love. She writes to Caldwell Cupid and falls for the mysterious voice behind the letters - until the letter-writer turns out to be the last person she would ever expect.

Magical Boy 

A hilarious and heartfelt riff on the magical girl genre made popular by teen manga series, Magical Boy is a one-of-a-kind fantasy series that comic readers of all ages will love. 

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

I've been thinking about my mom and sexuality.

Her obsession with lesbians. Her long term paranoia, from even before I knew I was queer, that I was a lesbian. Her fear of their seductive power, that a good pure girl might be suddenly turned. The story she told me about how at camp one year when she was younger another girl put my mother's head in her lap and combed out her hair with her fingers--she told this to me as a cautionary tale, she felt threatened by whatever this experience had done to her, but I was never sure exactly what was so bad about it or why. The extreme specificity of her warning that I never let another girl “pass me a candy she’s been sucking, from her mouth to mine” because we would end up kissing. (How do you even come up with that scenario) The fact that she, for no clear reason, felt the need to speculate on how lesbian sex worked, “do they stick things up each other??” obviously in a context of oh ewww that’s so gross but like... why are you thinking about it in such detail. Why are you talking to me about it?? Then there’s the time she told me that "thinking women are more attractive than men doesn't make you a lesbian, women just ARE more attractive than men, men are all blocky with those weird dangly parts and women are so pretty" Which.. as a trans man/gay-leaning-if-anything aspec who has quite a lot of appreciation for the male body.. No that... Isn't a self-evident fact of the universe, actually. Her reactionary hatred of “immodest” women, her obsession with specifically other women’s dress. The way she had to avert her eyes from sexy ads or image, even just the suggestion of them, even black-and-white silhouettes. The way that, when we drove past an old dance hall, with no one there, her brain and verbal commentary immediately ran to “imagine all those old time dances with boys lifting up the girls and their skirts swishing around and no panties on” (?????is that even accurate??? I remember being So fucking confused) But she could never explore what's going on there because it's sinful. So it stays under the surface, pushed down and repressed and feared and twisted and festering into this dark force, denied yet leaking out... 

Her obsession with everyone finding a good Christian straight heteronormative amatonormative relationship. Her insistence that you will "get over it" eventually if you live long enough. That my bachelor uncle would have married a woman had he not died early. She straight up shipped my ancient bachelor great-uncle with a woman who sat next to him in church. (He also died single, surprise) I remember, even when I was much younger, feeling insulted and violated both on behalf of them and myself--that she would sit in judgement on their personal lives, that she would disregard their choices and preferences like that, it seemed disrespectful--but also, even then I knew that I identified with my bachelor uncles more than with anyone else in my family. And here she was saying, that's not real, that's not worthwhile, it's only an in between, you WILL find someone and you MUST find someone, your feelings are irrelevant. It will happen. It doesn’t matter what you think. It doesn’t matter how old you are. No one is allowed to be single forever. No one is safe. Marriage will find you.

Because this is the way things are and the way things have to be, and they're this way because God loves us, it's better this way, everyone should be in a marriage--like my marriage, where I weep to my child and his friends (who absolutely did not ask) about how sexually unsatisfied I am, because I did the right thing and never discussed sex outside of marriage and my husband is largely disinterested and as masturbation is also a sin he's my only recourse--this marriage, where I complain about him fairly regularly, but we said at the beginning that divorce was not an option because it's a sin--everyone must have a marriage like this. To be happy. God wants us to be happy.

And I'm like... Are you? Are you fucking happy? Why would you want to perpetuate this?

Obviously the answer is because she’s trapped in this cycle herself and she really believes it’s true it must be true it’s the only thing that’s true it has to be true, her life is falling apart but it’s only because the devil hates God’s beloved children and it would be worse if she stepped out from under God’s protection, God is the only thing keeping her sinful body together, she has to bring others into God’s safety from where they are in danger of experiencing the false, hypnotizing “joy” of The World. 

[princelymlm]

Gotta Be LGBT+

This is a list of just some of the LGBT+ content out there. Anything on this list was contains LGBT+ characters or was made by LGBT+ creators. All entries on this list were sent in by followers and have not been confirmed by the mod. (Entries with ‘rep not given’ next to them mean that the suggestion did not include what kind of representation is in the content)

Put everything under the cut since this list started getting really long

Books/Comics

They Both Die At The End - Adam Silvera (mlm)

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire-Saénz (mlm)

Symptoms of Being Human (genderfluid)

Lily and Dunkin - Donna Gephart (trans/trans woman)

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - Taylor Jenkins Reid (wlw/bi)

The Gentleman’s Guide To Vice and Virtue - Mackenzie Lee (mlm/gay/bi)

Been Here All Along - Sandy Hall (gay/bi)

History Is All You Left Me - Adam Silvera (mlm/gay)

Blue Is The Warmest Color - Julie Maroh (wlw/bi/lesbian)

Mask of Shadows - Linsey Miller (bi/genderfluid)

Once and Future - Cori McCarthy (wlw/mlm/gay/bi/nonbinary)

Simon vs the Homosapiens Agenda - Beck Albertalli (mlm/gay)

Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli (wlw/bi)

Grasshopper Jungle - Andrew Smith (questioning/mlm)

The Rest of Us Just Live Here - Patrick Ness (mlm/gay)

Flying Tips For Flightless Birds - Kelly McCaughrain (mlm/gay)

I’ll Give You The Sun - Jandy Nelson (mlm)

Point Pleasant - Jen Archer Wood (mlm) 

True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - Gerard Way (mlm/wlw)

The Wayfarers Series - Becky Chambers (wlw/aro/trans man/nonbinary/genderfluid)

Vesuvius Club - Mark Gatiss (bi)

The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller (mlm)

Radio Silence - Alice Oseman (bi/mlm/demi/gay/pan/wlw/lesbian)

Of Fire and Stars - Audrey Coulthurst (wlw/lesbian)

Magnus Chase Series - Rick Riordan (genderfluid)

Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan (gay)

This Is Kind of An Epic Love Story - Kheyrn Callender (mlm/wlw)

Gracefully Grayson - Ami Polonsky (trans woman)

If I Was Your Girl - Meredith Russon (trans woman)

Call Me By Your Name - Andre Aciman (mlm)

Red, White, and Royal Blue - Casey McQuinston (mlm)

I Wish You All The Best - Mason Deaver (nonbinary)

Dreadnaught + Sovereign - April Daniels (wlw/trans woman)

The Art of Being Normal - Lisa Williamson (trans)

The Gone Series - Michael Grant (mlm/wlw)

One Of Us Is Lying - Karen McManus (mlm)

Six Of Crows - Leigh Bardugo (mlm)

Crooked Kingdom - Leigh Bardugo (rep not given)

The Last Sun - Author Not Provided (rep not given)

Romeo and/or Juliet - Ryan North (rep not given)

American Gods - Neil Gaiman (mlm/gay/bi) 

The Mage Wars Series - Mercedes Lackey (gay)

Scott Pilgrim vs The World - Bryan Lee O’Malley (mlm/gay/wlw)

Boyfriends With Girlfriends - Alex Sánchez (mlm/wlw/bi/gay)

Will Grayson, Will Grayson - David Levithan & John Green (mlm)

This Is Where It Ends -Marieke Nijkamp (lesbian/wlw)

Carry On - Rainbow Rowell (mlm)

Stranger Than Fanfiction - Chris Colfer (mlm/trans man/gay)

The Reader Trilogy (The Reader, The Speaker, The Storyteller) - Traci Chee (mlm/wlw/nonbinary)

I Was Born For This - Alice Oseman (trans)

Heartstopper - Alice Oseman (mlm)

The Broken Earth Trilogy - MK Jemisin (trans woman/poly/pan/mlm

A Boy Worth Knowing - Jennifer Cosgrove (mlm/bi/gay)

The Rifter - Author Not Provided (mlm)

Snapdragon - Author Not Provided (wlw/ trans woman)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon (wlw/lesbian/mlm/gay)

Tipping the Velvet - Sarah Waters (wlw/lesbian)

Fingersmith - Sarah Waters (wlw/lesbian)

The Paying Guests - Sarah Waters (wlw/lesbian)

I Am J - Cris Beam (trans man)

Little And Lion - Brandy Colbert (bi)

Autoboyography - Christina Lauren (bi)

Felix Ever After - Kacen Callender (trans)

Birthday - Meredith Russo (trans)

Stay Gold - Tobly McSmith (trans)

You Should See Me In A Crown - Leah Johnson (lesbian)

Girls of Paper and Fire - Natasha Ngan (lesbian)

The Henna Wars - Adiba Jaigirdar (lesbian)

Let's Talk About Love - Claire Kann (ace)

The Lady's Guide To Petticoats and Piracy - Mackenzi Lee (ace/aro)

The Vanishers' Place - Aliette De Bodard (wlw)

Ash - Malinda Lo (wlw/bi)

The Little Homo Sapiens Scientist - S. L. Huang (wlw)

Everfair - Nisi Shawl (wlw)

Dread Nation: Risse Up - Justina Ireland (wlw/bi/ace)

The Gilda Stories - Jewelle Gomez (wlw/lesbian)

The True Queen - Zen Cho (wlw)

The Devourers - Indra Das (genderfluid/bi)

We Set The Dark On Fire - Tehlor Kay Mejia (wlw)

Smoketown - Tenea D. Johnson (wlw/lesbian)

Falling In Love With Hominids - Nalo Hopkinson (wlw)

The Fox’s Tower and Other Tales - Yoon Ha Lee (nonbinary)

Her Body and Other Parties - Carmen Maria Machado (wlw)

Beneath the Citadel - Destiny Soria (mlm/gay/bi/ace)

Witchmark - C.L Polk (mlm/gay)

The Prey of Gods - Nicky Drayden (trans/bi)

An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon (wlw/trans/nonbinary/intersex)

The Root - Na’amen Gobert Tilahun (mlm/gay)

Gods & Monsters: Snake Eyes - Hillary Monohan (wlw)

Labyrinth Lost - Zoraida Cordova (wlw/bi)

The Winged Histories - Sofia Samatar (wlw)

The Weight of Stars - K. Ancrum (wlw)

Huntress - Malinda Lo (wlw)

Will Do Magic For Small Change - Andrea Hairston (bi/pan/nonbinary)

The Last Chronomancer - Reilyn J Hardy (aro/ace/genderfluid/lesbian)

A Taste of Honey - Kai Ashante Wilson (mlm/bi)

Deadline - Stephanie Ahn (wlw/lesbian)

The Read Threads of Fortune - JY Yang (wlw/bi)

Not Your Sidekick - C.B. Lee (wlw/bi)

Timekeeper - Tara Sim (mlm)

Ascension - Jacqueline Koyangi (wlw)

When The Moon Was Ours - Anna-Marie McLemore (trans)

Amberlough - Lara Elena Donnelly (mlm/gay)

The Perfect Assassin - K.A Doore (gay/ace/mlm)

Afterparty - Daryl Gregory (wlw/lesbian)

Borderline - Mishell Baker (wlw/bi)

The Cloud Roads - Martha Wells (bi)

An Accident of Stars - Foz Meadows (wlw/bi/aro/trans)

The Last 8 - Laura Pohl (aro/bi)

Failure to Communicate - Kaia Sonderby (wlw/bi)

The Luminous Dead - Caitlin Starling (wlw)

The Wrong Stars - Tim Pratt (wlw)

Full Fathom Five - Max Gladstone (trans)

A Memory Called Empire - Arkady Martine (wlw)

Silver In the Wood - Emily Tesh (mlm)

The Raven Tower - Ann Leckie (mlm/bi/trans)

Ariah - B.R. Sanders (mlm/bi/nonbinary)

The Raven and the Reindeer - T. Kingfisher (wlw)

Planetfall - Emma Newman (bi)

Black Wings Beating - Alex London (ace/gay/mlm)

The Scorpion Rule - Erin Bow (bi)

Inkmistress - Audrey Coulthurst (bi)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant (wlw/bi/lesbian)

Vengeful - V.E Schwab (ace)

Blackfish City - Sam J Miller (nonbinary)

Daughter of Mystery - Heather Rose Jones (wlw/lesbian)

Stranger Grace - Tessa Gratton (bi/pan)

The Brilliant Death - Amy Rose Capetta (nonbinary)

Chameleon Moon - RoAnna Sylver (wlw/trans/ace)

19 Love Stories - David Levithan (trans/queer)

It’s Not Like It’s A Secret - Author Not Given (wlw)

Picture Us In The Light - Author Not Given (mlm)

Two Can Keep A Secret - Author Not Given (mlm/bi)

Death Sets Sail - Author Not Given (wlw)

Becoming Dinah - Author Not Given (rep not provided)

Witch Wolf series - Winter Pennington (wlw, lesbian, bisexual)

Underrealm series - Garrett Robinson (wlw, mlm, nonbinary, trans man trans woman, trans, pansexual, bisexual)

A Cloak of Red - Brenna Gawain (wlw, lesbian)

 Blood Canticles - Naomi Clark (wlw)

Podcasts

Welcome to Night Vale (mlm/gay/wlw/nonbinary)

Dreamboy (mlm/gay)

Alice Isn’t Dead (wlw/lesbian)

The Penumbra Podcast (mlm/bi/genderfluid/nonbinary)

My Favorite Podcast (trans men)

Within the Wires (wlw)

The Adventure Zone (mlm/wlw/trans/gnc/nonbinary)

Limetown (wlw/lesbian)

Getting Curious With Jonathan Van Ness (nblm/nonbinary)

Friends at the Table (mlm/wlw/nonbinary)

LezHangOut (wlw)

Bright Sessions (mlm/demi/ace)

Queer As Fact (historical lgbt)

History Is Gay (historical lgbt)

Always Here (historical lgbt)

And That’s Why We Drink (nonbinary)

Magnus Archives (mlm/ace)

The Two Princes (mlm/gay/bi)

Girl-ish (trans women)

The Bright Sessions (gay/ace)

TV Shows/Movies/ETC

One Day At A Time (Remake) (wlw/lesbian/nonbinary)

Love, Simon (mlm/gay)

A Single Man (mlm/gay)

Brokeback Mountain (mlm/gay)

In The Flesh (mlm/gay)

Weekend (mlm)

RWBY (wlw/trans)

Jessica Jones (wlw/lesbian)

Critical Role (mlm/gay/bi/wlw/lesbian/nonbinary/genderfluid)

Pose (trans women/gay)

Schitt’s Creek (pan/mlm)

White Collar (wlw)

Lucifer (bi)

Umbrella Academy (mlm/wlw)

Call Me By Your Name (mlm)

Brooklyn Nine Nine (mlm/gay/bi)

Steven Universe (nonbinary)

Sailor Moon (wlw)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (wlw)

Sense8 (mlm/gay/wlw/lesbian/trans woman)

Doom Patrol (?/rep not given)

Good Omens (nonbinary)

Gentleman Jack (wlw)

American Gods (mlm/gay/bi/two-spirit)

Orange Is The New Black (wlw/trans)

Blue Is The Warmest Color (wlw)

Shameless (mlm/trans)

Euphoria (wlw/trans woman)

Modern Family (mlm/gay)

Daisy Brown ARG (wlw/lesbian)

Deadpool (pan)

Deadpool 2 (pan/wlw)

Alex Strangelove (mlm/gay)

Wynonna Earp (lesbian/gay/wlw)

She-Ra (wlw/mlm/gay/bi/lesbian/nonbinary/trans man)

SKAM (rep not provided)

Gotham (bi)

The Haunting of Hill House (wlw)

The Haunting of Bly Manor (wlw)

Kipo and the Wonderbeasts (mlm/gay/nonbinary)

Billie and Emma (wlw)

Carmen & Lola (wlw)

Carol (wlw)

Disobedience (wlw)

Elisa & Marcela (wlw)

Good Manners (wlw)

The Handmaiden (wlw)

Heart Beat Loud (wlw)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire (wlw)

Rafiki (wlw)

Stranger Things (wlw)

Handsome Devil (mlm)

Pride (wlw/mlm)

Musicals

The Prom (wlw/lesbian)

Be More Chill (mlm/bi)

Fun Home (wlw)

Spring Awakening (mlm)

A New Brain (mlm)

Falsettos (mlm/wlw)

Rent (mlm/wlw)

Firebringer (wlw/bi)

A Very Potter Musical (mlm/gay)

The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals (wlw)

Bare: A Pop Opera (mlm)

Everybody’s Talking About Jaime (mlm/gay)

Yank! The Musical (mlm)

Octet (wlw)

Ghost Quartet (wlw)

Spies Are Forever (mlm/gay)

Willow: A New Musical (wlw)

Over And Out: A New Musical (nblw/nonbinary)

Video Games

Fallout: New Vegas (mlm/gay/wlw/lesbian)

When The Night Comes (mlm/nonbinary)

The Arcana (nonbinary)

Dream Daddy (mlm/gay/bi/pan/trans)

Dragon Age (mlm/wlw/gay/lesbian/trans/pan/bi)

Smile For Me (wlw)

Undertale (trans/nonbinary/wlw/mlm)

Monster Prom (nonbinary)

Cookie Run (nonbinary/mlm/wlw/bi/pan)

The Missing (wlw/trans woman)

Fable 2 & 3 (wlw/mlm)

Borderlands 2 (mlm/wlw/bi/gay/lesbian)

Gone Home (wlw)

Prey (wlw)

Dishonored 2 (nonbinary/wlw)

Deus Ex Mankind Divided System Rift (rep not given)

Assassins Creed Series (mlm/wlw/gay/lesbian/trans)

The Last of Us (wlw/lesbian) 

Mass Effect Series (mlm/wlw/gay/lesbian/bi)

Life Is Strange (wlw)

Overwatch (mlm/gay/wlw/lesbian)

Animal Crossing (pan)

Night In The Woods (pan/mlm/trans woman)

The Elder Scrolls (trans/wlw/lesbian)

Dreamfall Chapters (mlm/gay)

Dishonored: Death of the Outsider (wlw)

In the Outer Worlds (wlw/ace)

Elder Scrolls: Skyrim (mlm/wlw)

Fallout 4 (wlw/mlm)

Hades (mlm/bi)

Obviously this list is far from complete so feel free to add to it or let me know of anything else and I’ll edit the post to add it as long as you include the category it belongs to! Be sure to include what representation it has though otherwise I can’t add it!

[pridebooks]

It’s Trans Day of Visibility, so have some books!!

Full list of books (with synopses) under the cut.

First picture: Books by trans authors (most also have trans characters)

Memoirs of a Man’s Maiden Years by N. O. Body - "I was born a boy, raised as a girl. . . . One may raise a healthy boy in as womanish a manner as one wishes, and a female creature in as mannish; never will this cause their senses to remain forever reversed." So writes the pseudonymous N. O. Body, born in 1884 with ambiguous genitalia and assigned a female identity in early infancy. Brought up as a girl, "she" nevertheless asserted stereotypical male behavior from early on. In the end, it was a passionate love affair with a married woman that brought matters to a head. Desperately confused, suicidally depressed, and in consultation with Magnus Hirschfeld, one of the most eminent and controversial sexologists of the day, "she" decided to become "he." N. O. Body was identified as Karl M. Baer (he/him).

Spy Stuff by Matthew J. Metzger - Anton never thought anyone would ever want to date him. Everyone knows nobody wants a transgender boyfriend, right? So he's as shocked as anyone when seemingly-straight Jude Kalinowski asks him out, and doesn't appear to be joking.The only problem is ... well, Jude doesn't actually know.Anton can see how this will play out: Jude is a nice guy, and nice guys finish last. And Anton is transgender, and transgender people don't get happy endings. If he tells Jude, it might destroy everything.And if Jude tells anyone else ... it will. Matthew J. Metzger (he/him) is a queer trans man.

I Wish You All The Best by Mason Deaver - When Ben De Backer comes out to their parents as nonbinary, they're thrown out of their house and forced to move in with their estranged older sister, Hannah, and her husband, Thomas, whom Ben has never even met. Struggling with an anxiety disorder compounded by their parents' rejection, they come out only to Hannah, Thomas, and their therapist and try to keep a low profile in a new school.But Ben's attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan's friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life.At turns heartbreaking and joyous, I Wish You All the Best is both a celebration of life, friendship, and love, and a shining example of hope in the face of adversity Mason Deaver (they/them) is nonbinary.

George by Alex Gino -When people look at George, they think they see a boy. But she knows she's not a boy. She knows she's a girl.George thinks she'll have to keep this a secret forever. Then her teacher announces that their class play is going to be Charlotte's Web. George really, really, REALLY wants to play Charlotte. But the teacher says she can't even try out for the part . . . because she's a boy.With the help of her best friend, Kelly, George comes up with a plan. Not just so she can be Charlotte -- but so everyone can know who she is, once and for all. Alex Gino (they/them) is genderqueer.

Starglass by Phoebe North -  Terra has never known anything but life aboard the Asherah, a city-within-a-spaceship that left Earth five hundred years ago in search of refuge. At sixteen, working a job that doesn't interest her, and living with a grieving father who only notices her when he's yelling, Terra is sure that there has to be more to life than what she's got. But when she inadvertently witnesses the captain's guard murdering an innocent man, Terra is suddenly thrust into the dark world beneath her ship's idyllic surface. As she's drawn into a secret rebellion determined to restore power to the people, Terra discovers that her choices may determine life or death for the people she cares most about. With mere months to go before landing on the long-promised planet, Terra has to make the decision of a lifetime--one that will determine the fate of her people. Phoebe North (they/them) is genderqueer.

Power Surge by Sara Codair - Erin has just realized that for the entirety of their life, their family has lied to them. Their Sight has been masked for years, so Erin thought the Pixies and Mermaids were hallucinations. Not only are the supernatural creatures they see daily real, but their grandmother is an Elf, meaning Erin isn’t fully human. On top of that, the dreams Erin thought were nightmares are actually prophecies.While dealing with the anger they have over all of the lies, they are getting used to their new boyfriend, their boyfriend's bullying ex, and the fact that they come from a family of Demon Hunters. As Erin struggles through everything weighing on them, they uncover a Demon plot to take over the world.Erin just wants some time to work through it all on their own terms, but that's going to have to wait until after they help save the world. Sara Codair (they/she) is nonbinary.

Out of Salem by Hal Schrieve - When genderqueer fourteen-year-old Z Chilworth wakes from death after a car crash that killed their parents and sisters, they have to adjust quickly to their new status as a zombie. Always a talented witch, Z can now barely perform magic and is rapidly decaying. Faced with rejection from their remaining family members and old friends, Z moves in with Mrs. Dunnigan, an elderly witch, and befriends Aysel, a loud would-be-goth classmate who is, like Z, a loner. As Z struggles to find a way to repair the broken magical seal holding their body together, Aysel fears that her classmates will discover her status as an unregistered werewolf. When a local psychiatrist is murdered in an apparent werewolf attack, the town of Salem, Oregon, becomes even more hostile to monsters, and Z and Aysel are driven together in an attempt to survive a place where most people wish that neither of them existed. Hal Schrieve (xie/hir) is a genderfluid trans man.

This is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kacen Callender - Nathan Bird doesn’t believe in happy endings. Although he’s the ultimate film buff and an aspiring screenwriter, Nate’s seen the demise of too many relationships to believe that happy endings exist in real life.Playing it safe to avoid a broken heart has been his MO ever since his father died and left his mom to unravel—but this strategy is not without fault. His best-friend-turned-girlfriend-turned-best-friend-again, Florence, is set on making sure Nate finds someone else. And in a twist that is rom-com-worthy, someone does come along: Oliver James Hernández, his childhood best friend.After a painful mix-up when they were little, Nate finally has the chance to tell Ollie the truth about his feelings. But can Nate find the courage to pursue his own happily ever after?  Kacen Callender (they/them) is a demiboy.

Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee - Captain Kel Cheris of the hexarchate is disgraced for using unconventional methods in a battle against heretics. Kel Command gives her the opportunity to redeem herself by retaking the Fortress of Scattered Needles, a star fortress that has recently been captured by heretics. Cheris’s career isn’t the only thing at stake. If the fortress falls, the hexarchate itself might be next.Cheris’s best hope is to ally with the undead tactician Shuos Jedao. The good news is that Jedao has never lost a battle, and he may be the only one who can figure out how to successfully besiege the fortress.The bad news is that Jedao went mad in his first life and massacred two armies, one of them his own. As the siege wears on, Cheris must decide how far she can trust Jedao–because she might be his next victim. Yoon Ha Lee (he/him) is a trans man.

Second pic: Books with trans characters

Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonsky -  Alone at home, twelve-year-old Grayson Sender glows, immersed in beautiful thoughts and dreams. But at school, Grayson grasps at shadows, determined to fly under the radar. Because Grayson has been holding onto a secret for what seems like forever: “he” is a girl on the inside, stuck in the wrong gender’s body.The weight of this secret is crushing, but leaving it behind would mean facing ridicule, scorn, and rejection. Despite these dangers, Grayson’s true self itches to break free. Strengthened by an unexpected friendship and a caring teacher who gives her a chance to step into the spotlight, Grayson might finally have the tools to let her inner light shine.

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children by Kirstin Cronn-Mills - "This is Beautiful Music for Ugly Children, on community radio 90.3, KZUK. I'm Gabe. Welcome to my show."My birth name is Elizabeth, but I'm a guy. Gabe. My parents think I've gone crazy and the rest of the world is happy to agree with them, but I know I'm right. I've been a boy my whole life.When you think about it, I'm like a record. Elizabeth is my A side, the song everybody knows, and Gabe is my B side--not heard as often, but just as good.It's time to let my B side play.

Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin - The first thing you’re going to want to know about me is: Am I a boy, or am I a girl?Riley Cavanaugh is many things: Punk rock. Snarky. Rebellious. And gender fluid. Some days Riley identifies as a boy, and others as a girl. The thing is…Riley isn’t exactly out yet. And between starting a new school and having a congressman father running for reelection in uber-conservative Orange County, the pressure—media and otherwise—is building up in Riley’s so-called “normal” life.On the advice of a therapist, Riley starts an anonymous blog to vent those pent-up feelings and tell the truth of what it’s REALLY like to be a gender fluid teenager. But just as Riley’s starting to settle in at school—even developing feelings for a mysterious outcast—the blog goes viral, and an unnamed commenter discovers Riley’s real identity, threatening exposure. Riley must make a choice: walk away from what the blog has created—a lifeline, new friends, a cause to believe in—or stand up, come out, and risk everything.

The Art of Being Normal by Lisa Williamson - David Piper has always been an outsider. His parents think he's gay. The school bully thinks he’s a freak. Only his two best friends know the real truth: David wants to be a girl.On the first day at his new school Leo Denton has one goal: to be invisible. Attracting the attention of the most beautiful girl in his class is definitely not part of that plan. When Leo stands up for David in a fight, an unlikely friendship forms. But things are about to get messy. Because at Eden Park School secrets have a funny habit of not staying secret for long…

Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller - Sallot Leon is a thief, and a good one at that. But gender fluid Sal wants nothing more than to escape the drudgery of life as a highway robber and get closer to the upper-class—and the nobles who destroyed their home.When Sal steals a flyer for an audition to become a member of The Left Hand—the Queen’s personal assassins, named after the rings she wears—Sal jumps at the chance to infiltrate the court and get revenge.But the audition is a fight to the death filled with clever circus acrobats, lethal apothecaries, and vicious ex-soldiers. A childhood as a common criminal hardly prepared Sal for the trials. And as Sal succeeds in the competition, and wins the heart of Elise, an intriguing scribe at court, they start to dream of a new life and a different future, but one that Sal can have only if they survive.

The Past and Other Things That Should Stay Buried by Shaun David Hutchinson - A good friend will bury your body, a best friend will dig you back up.Dino doesn’t mind spending time with the dead. His parents own a funeral home, and death is literally the family business. He’s just not used to them talking back. Until Dino’s ex-best friend July dies suddenly—and then comes back to life. Except not exactly. Somehow July is not quite alive, and not quite dead.As Dino and July attempt to figure out what’s happening, they must also confront why and how their friendship ended so badly, and what they have left to understand about themselves, each other, and all those grand mysteries of life.

I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman -  For Angel Rahimi, life is only about one thing: The Ark – a pop-rock trio of teenage boys who are currently taking the world by storm. Being part of The Ark’s fandom has given her everything – her friendships, her dreams, her place in the world. Jimmy Kaga-Ricci owes everything to The Ark too. He’s their frontman – and playing in a band is all he’s ever dreamed of doing. It’s just a shame that recently everything in his life seems to have turned into a bit of a nightmare. Because that’s the problem with dreaming – eventually, inevitably, real life arrives with a wake-up call. And when Angel and Jimmy are unexpectedly thrust together, they will discover just how strange and surprising facing up to reality can be.

The Pants Project by Cat Clarke - Whoever wrote the uniform policy decided (whyyy?) that girls had to wear skirts, while boys were allowed to wear pants. Sexist. Dumb. Unfair. “Girls must wear a black, pleated, knee-length skirt.�� I bet I read those words a hundred times during summer vacation. The problem wasn’t the last word in that sentence. Skirt wasn’t really the issue, not for me. The issue was the first word. Girls. Here’s the thing: I may seem like a girl, but on the inside, I’m a boy.

[marshmallowprotection]

sorry if this sounds... stupid, I’m just having a lot of trouble with my identity. So, I’m a trans male, not out to anyone other than my friends yet or transitioned because of my parents though. I do have body dysphoria, but I like skirts and dresses, just not the dresses that make my chest pop if this even makes any sense. But I was just wondering if it’s “valid” since I’m absolutely horrified of others that call people tr*nders for this. I do use they/them pronouns as well but he/him is a high preference for me, so it’s just really confusing. Again, I’m sorry if this sounds stupid I’m just really having a hard time and I’m scared to talk to my irl friends about this.

TW: Transphobia, Body Dysphoria

Hi! This is not stupid to ask anyone. I’m glad that you came to talk to someone if you were having a hard time and couldn’t find someone that would talk to you in an understanding light. First off, I need you to know this, gender is a spectrum just as much as sexuality is. Not everyone falls within a binary, and not everyone feels akin to a specific label. As a matter of fact, you don’t have to label yourself as anything other than gay, queer, etc, if you don’t want to use a specific label at all. 

There are no rules here saying that you cannot like wearing fun skirts or dresses if you are a Trans male. Liking dresses and skirts does not make you less of a man, Anon, and I want you to know that specifically. People often take to using toxic masculinity and toxic feminity to force people to align to a “two-gender” sort of thing, but there is not such a damn thing. This goes along with the notion that this bullshit thinking that “boys can’t like dolls, boys can’t like pink, boys can’t cry, boys can’t do this,” or the thinking that’s like, “girls can’t like trucks or dinosaurs girls can’t like playing in the dirt, girls can't like this, girls can’t do that.” 

You can like to wear whatever the hell you want to wear and it doesn’t make you less of a man. If you say that your pronouns are he/him and that you are a man, you are a man. You are a handsome man that likes to wear something fun that feels nice! That’s nothing to kick yourself over, and I swear to God, if anyone tells you otherwise, I will beat their ass for you. That’s unacceptable and rooted in toxic thinking. 

I want you to know that it’s okay if you’re growing up and your feelings about your identity shift some. A lot of things are fluid, and on a spectrum, there’s no line going directly to this or directly to that all the time. 

My partner took years to figure out that he was okay with people using a  pronoun that previously made him uncomfortable after he learned more about himself and overcame some of his trauma, and beyond that.  He learned that there is a more fitting label for his sexuality after self-reflection. I had another friend that ID’d as NB for years until he learned more about himself and realized that he/him pronouns felt right for him. 

I use them as an example because so many people feel like they have to trap themselves in a box forever and you need to know that sometimes, a label may feel more right to you than the one you’ve been using. It���s okay, feelings can shift and you can learn more about yourself as you grow up. I was one of the rare folks that found a label for myself and it’s felt right for me ever since. Don’t feel ashamed for not fitting into an arbitrary box. You are more than what CIshet people have claimed to be “the norm.” 

Pushing these ideas of their’s onto people is why so many Trans Men feel like they can’t like hugs, or feelings, or stuffed animals, or dresses anymore when they come out; Or why Trans Women feel like they have to become hyper-fem to be treated with common human decency, or that they can’t enjoy things that are “masculine” anymore. That’s not right, that’s not okay. You have a right to enjoy what you love no matter what label you use to call yourself. 

I don’t think you’re a Tr*nstrender, and I do have a big problem with people shitting on young people who are exploring their identity and trying to learn more about themselves and their bodies and who they are. It’s better to try something if you have a suspicion than to never have tried at all and feel lost and confused because nobody ever gave you the chance to see what felt right for you. 

Not everyone realizes that they’re Trans at a young age, nor do people realize that they may be gay, bi, ace, or etc, at a young age. Some people do, some people don’t figure things out until later in life. Nobody should be shamed for being “early” or “late” in discovering their sense of self, or their feelings, or who they feel they are. 

I want you to know that you can love whatever you want, no matter what pronouns you are! What you wear does not change who you are and who you know that you are. If you’re a boy that is wearing a skirt, then you’re a boy who is wearing a skirt. It’s that simple. Clothes are clothes. They are an expression of you, but they do not define your pronouns and hell to anyone that says that they do. 

Don’t kick yourself and not do what you enjoy. You have a right to exist and a right to be yourself, no matter what you enjoy wearing or what you enjoy doing. I hope that you can find comfort in this message. I’m not Trans, but so many of my loved ones are, and I understand how uncomfortable and exhausting it is to deal with transphobes, terfs, dysphoria, so on and so forth. I wish that this world wasn’t cruel and far more empathetic and understanding to everyone because you don’t deserve grief for being yourself, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. 

I hope in the scheme of things, this helps you feel more at ease with yourself in the long run. 

[letterboxd]

Stanning the Ancients.

Valerie Complex probes the intersection of Greco-Roman mythology and queer experience in Portrait of a Lady on Fire, The Neon Demon, Jumbo and Midsommar.

Ancient stories have a way of influencing modern filmmakers—in part because of their “glorious” approach to love, as actor, writer and Greek-myth-lover Stephen Fry noted at this year’s digital Hay Festival. But even beyond depictions of same-sex love, Greco-Roman mythologies lend themselves well to tales of otherness and transformation.

Mythology isn’t just a bunch of stories from thousands of years ago—it’s something we create every day. Greco-Roman mythology, in particular, has less to do with the “godly” part of the pantheon, and more with their human qualities. Their lust, jealousy, wrath and greed: on display for not just other gods but all mortals under them. These stories were a portal for us to reckon with the less-savory parts of ourselves.

More than that, these stories were a cipher; a way for us to relate to one another without the need for conversation. What are celebrities and the gossip they inspire, if not modern myths? Stans are acolytes worshipping at the temples of their respective gods. They make offerings, pray to them, build altars. Every celebrity’s past is of great interest to their worshippers, who mine their back-stories for nuggets of relatability.

Beyond direct adaptations (Jason and the Argonauts, Clash of the Titans and the like), these ancient myths have informed many recent films (Prometheus and The Lighthouse; the Amazons and Wonder Woman; Oedipus and Old Boy; Homer’s The Odyssey and O Brother, Where Art Thou? included). But queer scholars have long seen Greco-Roman myths as having a particular way of helping shape queer cinematic experience, because they exist at the same intersections.

Consider the queer sensibilities in the tall tales that feature trans and intersex characters, and all the other ways the ancient poets encompass LGBTQIA expression: through their tales of otherness, outcasts living on the fringes of society, relationships that reject heteronormativity, or that push the bounds of sexuality and identity.

When myth and movie come together to create loose adaptations, film lovers are blessed with art like The Neon Demon, Jumbo, Midsommar and Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Let’s look at how Ovid, Euripides and Virgil have woven their way into the fabric of each of these stories. (Spoilers ahead!)

Noémie Merlant, Adèle Haenel and writer-director Céline Sciamma on the set of ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ (2019). / Photo by cinematographer Claire Mathon, courtesy of NEON

The Melancholy Experience of Finite Love and the Desire of the Gaze: Céline Sciamma’s Portrait of a Lady on Fire meets Virgil’s ‘Orpheus and Eurydice’

Virgil’s story of Orpheus and Eurydice is woven so literally and metaphorically into Céline Sciamma’s Portrait of a Lady on Fire that it’s interesting to discover how late in the piece it came. Sciamma told me in an interview at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2019 that the story was one of the last elements to be included in the script. When she re-read the myth, she felt it ran perfectly parallel to Marianne and Hëloise’s relationship because the concept of gaze is extremely important for both couples.

In Virgil’s tale, it was prophesied that the marriage of Orpheus and Eurydice would be short-lived—and so it was. Eurydice dies from a snake bite, and her soul is sent to Hades. While in mourning, Orpheus gets the attention of the gods by singing and playing the lyre.

Being the rule-breaker that he is, Orpheus travels to the underworld to bring Eurydice back. Hades and Persephone are moved by his music and grant his wish that he will reunite with his wife, instructing him to keep his eyes front while his wife walks behind him into the living world. Unfortunately, he turns around—and loses her forever. We don’t know why he turned around when he was told not to—did he make the poet’s choice, or the lover’s? Perhaps the memory of Eurydice felt more feasible than having her physically.

In Sciamma’s film, Marianne (the painter), Hëloise (her subject) and Sophie (the maid) are isolated on a small island in eighteenth-century France. The trio carve out a microcosmic community where they are equal peers and status has no power. Hëloise reads the story of Orpheus to her two friends; they discuss whether he makes the poet’s choice, or the lover’s choice. Marianne and Hëloise engage in a romantic relationship, subverting the hostile, patriarchal world they live in. When their time is finally up and Marianne is running to the door to leave, Hëloise requests she turn around to see her one last time, thus imprinting a lasting image in Marianne’s mind. No one dies in their story, but, with a look, their love for one another lasts beyond the physical world.

Watch: Céline Sciamma discusses the myth of Eurydice and Orpheus in this clip from the new Criterion release of Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

Elle Fanning as Jesse in ‘The Neon Demon’ (2016).

Reflections and personae in The Neon Demon: Nicolas Winding Refn takes on Ovid’s ‘Echo and Narcissus’

The harsh modeling world is the perfect backdrop for The Neon Demon, which deals with ideals of beauty, deceit and narcissism. The film is also a loose adaptation of the Roman poet Ovid’s story of Echo and Narcissus from Book III of Metamorphoses. Narcissus is the beautiful hunter who upsets Aphrodite when he rejects a low-level goddess in the most asshole-y way. She curses him, and he ends up drowning when he falls in love with his reflection and tries to kiss it over a pool of water.

In The Neon Demon, Jesse (Elle Fanning) wants to be fashion’s next ‘it’ girl. She has youth and beauty on her side, which invokes jealousy in others. As her star rises, Jesse is consumed by vanity. After her harsh rejection of make-up artist Ruby (Jenna Malone), and going on an egomaniacal tirade, she is pushed into an empty pool by Ruby’s friends Sarah (Abbey Lee Kershaw) and Gigi (Bella Heathcote), thus breaking her neck.

Two stories from different millennia share a common thread: characters who love themselves to death (literally). What separates them is the queer subtext, particularly in The Neon Demon. Does Refn know his film had queer subtext? Perhaps not, though the film itself is often included in modern queer horror lists. There is an explicit attraction between the main characters, and he does an excellent job examining what that looks like when they are clouded by envy. For the women, this desire manifests in the form of companionship (Ruby), status (Gigi) or consumption (Sarah). This queer interpretation aids Refn’s exploration of relationships that exists outside of the typical portrayal of female desire.

There is a debate among viewers regarding the queer subtext and the lesbian body horror aspects of the film. Many of the film’s critics denounced the level of sexual objectification of the young women. However, objectification is a hallmark of the story: it’s a movie about the modeling world. What people miss is not only how the external world oversexualizes these characters, but how they objectify one another, and that gaze lends itself to a strong queer asthetic.

Florence Pugh as Dani in ‘Midsommar’ (2019).

Outcasts and killer cults in Sweden: Euripides’ The Bacchae as told through Ari Aster’s Midsommar

In Greek tragedy The Bacchae, Dionysus tells the citizens of Thebes he is the son of Zeus. No one believes him. He is gaslit to the point of shame. With his reputation in a shambles, the spurned demigod leaves Thebes. He soon returns in disguise with a pack of rabid women who call themselves the Bacchae—they kill King Pentheus and burn Thebes to the ground because they didn’t listen. No-one listens to Midsommar’s main character, Dani, either.

Dani is in an emotionally abusive relationship with the gaslighting Christian, and is surrounded by Christian’s friends who reject her and see her as an emotional burden. Imagine how unhappy they are when Dani accompanies them on their trip to Sweden to visit the commune of the Harga people for their Midsummer celebration. Things spiral out of control when Dani unintentionally rises to godlike status within the Harga cult, which leads to, let’s just say, consequences for her dissenters.

On its surface, Midsommar is not queer cinema—at the center of the film is a heterosexual couple. However, Dani is an emotional outcast and feels like an outsider no matter where she is; it’s an echo of queer experience that is heightened when the women of the Harga embrace Dani. She gains status within the group and receives cathartic support from the young women of the commune. This allows her to purge the toxicity she’s experienced at the hands of Christian, his friends, and the outside world.

Sure, the Bacchae and the Harga are both dangerous, insular, microcosmic communities. Those attributes aside, these are two groups that exist separate from society at large, because their way of life is unique only to them.

Noémie Merlant gazes up at the object of her desire in ‘Jumbo’ (2020).

The Allure of Inanimate Objects: Zoé Wittock’s Jumbo vs Ovid’s ‘Pygmalion’

Another story from Ovid’s Metamorphoses features Cypriot sculptor Pygmalion, who swore off women in his city and took to isolation. In his time away from society, he carved a woman out of ivory and fell in love with it. He prayed to Aphrodite to bring the sculpture to life—and she did! Could this be an early case of objectum sexuality? While there is no divine intervention in Jumbo (which premiered at Sundance this year), Zoé Wittock’s film explores the meaning of objectum sexuality, which is a form of sexual or romantic attraction focused on particular inanimate objects.

In the film, Jeanne (Noémie Merlant—yes, Portrait of a Lady on Fire’s Marianne) isn’t interested in human interaction, other than with her mother Margarette (Emmanuelle Bercot). Working for the cleaning crew at an amusement park, she falls in love with the newest attraction, a tilt-a-whirl ride named Jumbo. As Jeanne’s desire grows, the ride comes to life and begins to communicate via colors and sounds.

Jeanne is a societal outcast who rejects human romance; her relationship with Jumbo subverts what society understands about sexuality and connection. Coming out to her mother about her attraction is also a challenge. Margarette isn’t open to what her daughter is feeling and reacts harshly toward Jeanne by coercing her into engaging in sex with men, and, when that doesn’t work, throwing her out of the house.

Eventually, Margarette realizes love is love, and as long as her daughter isn’t hurting anyone, she can learn to accept Jeanne’s love for Jumbo. Being pushed to the fringes of society for being honest (like Jeanne), or isolating yourself (like Pygmalion), is a scenario that queer folks are all too familiar with. At least Jeanne and Pygmalion don’t face tragic ends. The odds of being rejected by loved ones is high.

Coming out to family members is hard enough, especially when your very existence challenges their sense of normalcy. But this is why chosen families are important, and in both stories, the love of an accepting, chosen few is better than the approval of the majority.

Related content

Follow Valerie on Letterboxd

Valerie interviews “Celine the Machine” at the Angelika in New York earlier this year.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire director Celine Sciamma answers your questions in our Letterboxd Q&A.

Jumbo and Portrait of a Lady on Fire star Noémie Merlant answers our Life in Film questions.

Midsommar director Ari Aster talks pagan rituals and psychedelic drugs in a Letterboxd Q&A.

MundoF’s essential list Opening the Vault: A Chronological History of Queer Interest & LGBTQ+ Cinema.

The Top 100 Narrative Feature Films by Women Directors

The Top 100 Women Directors of the 2010s

The 2010s—Top Romance Films

[sunshine-tattoo]

star wars episode 7 au (and onwards).

since somebody has to take these strong female characters out of the hands of creepy white men.

- the first order does not exist

leia and everybody else actually did their jobs and the new Republic is a nice place where space nazis never resurfaced.

Instead they bring back democracy and human rights but also fix the problems of the old Republic, like poverty and corruption.

so the new republic is a democratic society with socialist aspects in terms of free healthcare, universal housing, and all access to nutritional food.

Snoke simply does not exist because his presence made no sense anyway.

- the Jedi are back but different

Luke also fixes the problems of the Jedi, like how they were dogmatic and cut off from ordinary people.

He makes the sacred texts readily available to anyone who is interested.

Jedi training is for anyone who is even slightly force sensitive and at any age. It's a grassroots organization that helps people with unique abilities understand their powers, kinda like the X-Men. They have small training facilities all over the galaxy and make them as accessible as possible.

They also help out as conflict resolution specialists. But this is only at local levels. No galactic wide range thing and no Senate orders.

Once someone has been trained to use their powers, they can do whatever they like with them, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

Many people join the Jedi to help their own communities with their powers.

Some become scholars and learn about the histories, publishing papers and teaching people.

As for Luke, he travels a lot and offers kindness and advice to any force sensitive person who seeks it. But he always has time for his friends and family.

He also discovered over the course of his travels that he is aro ace and so never married or had children. Tho he has trained quite a few young people and keeps in contact with them regularly.

- Ben solo never "fell to the dark side"

As part of the new Jedi understanding of the force, students learn that the light and dark are simply aspects of the force.

The light is connectedness to others.

The dark is connectedness to the self.

You need both to be a balanced person.

Ben Solo is perfectly emotionally healthy young man who uses his powers to understand himself and others. He also goes to therapy regularly to help deal with any problems he may have.

- there is a resistance but it's not for what you think

Even tho the galaxy is doing WAY better it's still got problems to be solved. Mainly some corruption and rich people hurting others.

The resistance is a secret group that goes to these places and solves the problems that the Senate cannot.

It is secretly led by Leia organa, who works as a senator.

Most of the people in the resistance, like poe and Finn and rose, are young people who suffered directly at the hands of the corrupt bastards they seek to take down. They help protect the galaxy's vulnerable.

Ben is also part of the resistance and mainly works as a healer.

- Rey is still on jakku at the start

She's not the granddaughter of Palpatine because that made no fucking sense. Also that would make her Luke and Leia's half sister, since Palpatine was canonically Anakin's father. (See the book Making of Revenge of the Sith)

Instead she's just an ordinary person who, like so many in the galaxy, was abandoned and is waiting for her family to return.

She's also a trans girl. Because I say so.

- Hux is not a space nazi

He's a young political leader on coruscant. Still kinda conservative when it comes to financial stuff but otherwise an ok dude.

Captain phasma is his body guard and head of his staff. She's an enormous aro ace gal who intimidates everyone around her. She and Hux are bffs forever.

Hux is also hella gay. He and Ben are boyfriends who bicker constantly and would die for each other.

- Ben is gender queer

After doing some research into his family heritage, he found that he had a lot in common with his grandmother, senator Amidala.

He frequently wears outfits similar to hers, including dresses. And the traditional naboo queen makeup.

- some actual plot stuff

Ben, Poe, Finn, and Rose are travelling on a resistance mission but their ship suffers an accidental malfunction. They crash on jakku and get separated.

Rey sees this from her home in the distance and goes out to see if anyone needs help. (and if there's some parts to scavenge)

There she meets Finn and bb-8 and helps them to some nearby caverns. It's getting dark out and it's not safe to travel at night, especially since Finn is injured.

She makes a fire and they talk a little.

Meanwhile Ben and Poe make it into another part of the cavern, bitching at each other the whole way.

Rose heads in a third entrance.

Ben senses Finn and they go towards it, scaring Rey and leading to a small scuffle between Rey and Ben.

Poe is simply overjoyed that his boyfriend is okay and proceeds to cover him in kisses, ignoring the idiots fighting in the corner.

Then rose comes in being chased by a cave monster and Rey and Ben must work together to scare it away. There rey accidentally uses the force and Ben is like "oh boy! Another one like me!"

The lot spend the night by the fire and get to know one another, munching on some spare rations. Rey secretly thinks that Rose is the most adorable person she's ever seen and wants to kiss her.

The next morning they are able to get an emergency communication going, thanks to rey's skills as a mechanic.

Luke, who was in the system on another mission, comes by with han and Chewie in the falcon. (which never got destroyed because that made no sense)

Rey is super gushy over han and his legend as a pilot. She agrees to help with their mission as long as they take her back to Jakku afterwards.

Ben talks to Luke privately about Rey's abilities, and how no one is coming for her. He wants to help. But Luke reminds him that everyone must make their own choices and even people with force abilities don't always want help with them. And that they must respect that.

They fly to Cantonica, which is where the resistance mission was supposed to take place, and shut down the child slavery ring. Wearing disguises of course since no one can know who is with the resistance.

They free the fathier (the racing animals), who flee into the forest. They gather hundreds of pieces of evidence against the ultra wealthy patrons and send it anonymously to the Senate. Where it will eventually be used to prosecute those rich assholes.

The enslaved children, and anyone else in need of help, are taken to Naboo. Which for generations has acted as a safe haven for refugees, immigrants, and all other asylum seekers.

Rey is in awe of what they have accomplished together, and what she has seen of the galaxy. But she still insists to be taken back to Jakku.

Ben takes her aside and tells her gently that no one is coming for her.

"I can see your tally marks on the wall. Each one is a tiny slice on your heart. If they continue, they will kill you."

Rey recognizes the truth of his words and grieves, letting him embrace her as a healer and friend while she cries.

She agrees to join the resistance but also wants to use their resources to find out who her family was. She wants to understand what kind of people would abandon a little girl.

Ben agrees to her terms, understanding that she needs this to help heal and move on.

They return to coruscant and meet up with Leia. Who sees this abandoned force sensitive queer child and is just "my baby now. Free daughter."

Luke agrees to help Rey with her powers and instructs Ben to help her when they are out on missions.

The movie ends with the five of them (plus bb-8) having dinner together as a bunch of close friends, laughing and being happy gay kids together.

- possible plots of sequels:

1. Rey meets her parents and confronts them.

2. Hux learns that his boyfriend is in the resistance and must re-evaluate how he sees the galaxy in terms of power and control.

3. Rey falls for Rose. Or Finn and everybody ends up in this big poly relationship.

[portable-wing-wang]

Gender, Sexuality & Me

Right, here goes.

I've never properly talked about my gender or sexuality on here and feel as if I need to clear things up for friends, family and even myself.

Of course I'm very gender positive, I think everyone should explore themselves thoroughly in order to better understand their place in this world. What I experience will be different from other people and I may even disagree with others who share my experience as everyone is different. Just good to clear the air before we continue.

My name is Will(iam) Kirton. I was born at 1:04 AM on the 10th of April 2000. I was born with male attributes and was such designated a "boy". I have little problem with this. A baby knows itself very little and cannot comprehend itself properly and so adults assign labels which, for the most part, do help with development as a child is introduced to social spaces (schools etc.).

When young, gender means little and so I thought little of it. I never felt apart or different from my schoolmates. I did however feel uncomfortable and didn't know why. Constantly feeling as if I wasn't explaining myself properly and getting confused easily. I was bullied for this by many of the other boys and when trying to defend myself, I was made an outcast. This led to me to very female dominated spaces.

I tried my hardest to join the other boys (as I thought I was supposed to) but time and time again, I'd be pushed away. I did, however, make good friends with a few boys a couple of which I'm still friends with today. But my fondest memories come from my friendships with the girls and how they shaped me as a person.

I didn't know it then but through them I began to question myself, sub-conciously at first but very soon after it started to dominate my thinking. By the age of 14 I knew something was off for sure, but I didn't know what, so I started researching to find an answer.

First, I started to look at trans-folk and see how they saw it."Trans," Such an illusive word. To me it seemed so simple to begin with. Someone wanted to be something else because they felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable. "Maybe there's something in this?" I thought, so I kept digging here and there with little motivation until I was about 15 when GCSEs took over and I didn't have time to think about it much until the summer of 2016. The thoughts came back in a big way. Why? I started going to parties.

Now it may seem a little silly but getting drunk and forgetting to hide myself allowed me to express myself in ways I'd never had the chance to before. Mannerisms began to appear that I wasn't controlling intentionally. I started speaking differently, stopped feeling like I had to explain myself and started having fun. This was the next big step of my self-discovery.

I then started playing DnD. Now, laugh if you wish but I had a human bard character names Steve who I categorized as a projection of myself if a little exaggerated. While playing as Steve, those mannerisms I gained started to take over even when sober. This was the last proof I needed to know I was queer but I didn't know what labels to use. I settled with saying I just had "queer tendencies" and left it at that but I still felt uncomfortable when I wasn't playing Steve.

So, I'm definitely queer, that's for sure but what kind?

I'm researching properly now. And not just gender, but sexuality as well. Bi, pan, gay, ace, etc.. I looked up everything and kept finding new labels. To help ease my brain, I focused on sexuality first. I knew I liked girls but I also liked boys however both in different ways. I timidly said I was bi for a couple years and then came out properly soon after my 18th birthday. I felt comfortable. For now . . .

I was still, however, confused. I couldn't work out whether I was a boy or a girl and it kept making everything else seem so confusing. At this point (16 or so) most of my good friends were male, I was decent at sports and I had a big ol' bass voice. BOY, right?

But there was something still bugging me.

I couldn't figure it out. Not until the summer before Uni, something slipped into place. I had completed my A Levels, I was out as bi, my shitty friends had left me, all was good. Wrong. I was more tense than ever. All I could think about was gender. Gender this, gender that. Constantly thinking, even with the distraction of the Edinburgh Fringe. I was also listening to a lot of Steam Powered Giraffe who, of course, have a trans woman playing the "Rabbit" character. I was obsessed. I wanted to find out everything about her and luckily, she posted a whole set of videos cataloguing her transition and thoughts all the way through. Finally, someone was essentially saying to me clearly what "trans" actually meant. Things began to make sense. I knew then that I was probably not cis but i didn't really feel comfortable saying I was "fully" trans, if you get my meaning.

But then I went to Uni. I finally had a chance to express myself freely and boy oh boy, did I do just that. I became so much more feminine than I ever had been in my life. It was so freeing. But I still didn't feel trans.

Then, someone introduced me to the concept of being "non-binary". A new term. I hadn't heard of it before. Is it like being trans? Or something completely different. I dived in head-first and came out the other end with even more answers but so many more questions.

Finally, I took the plunge (I'm sorry for so many swimming metaphors).

One evening in February 2019 after Uni I was in the loo before a musicals rehearsal. I hadn't felt well all day and was wearing something particularly feminine and caught myself in the mirror. I studied myself for a good few minutes. Each detail, each curve, how my body felt and looked in the clothes I was wearing. I stood there staring. Luckily no one walked in on me.

And something just clicked. After so many years of worrying and tensing, I finally understood. I was genderqueer.

Now, I should explain (here I go again), I didn't just decide then and there. I few months prior, my new uni friend "tom" (she goes by a different name now) had introduced me to a youtuber called Contrapoints. Before anyone says anything, I know she's caused a lot of discourse but I don't feel as if this is the right time to make any cases. Anyway, she didn't used to be openly trans and used to go by the label genderqueer. At the time, she made a very comprehensive video explaining what is and what it meant for her.

It intrigued me so, naturally, I did some more research and found that it fit my situation quite adequately but I didn't feel comfortable falling myself "genderqueer" yet either.

For those who don't know, genderqueer is an umbrella term for a wide range of traits which are either predominantly female, male or androgynous. It doesn't necessarily have a perfect definition and can be different for anybody who identify themselves as such.

My own genderqueerness could be described as a complete rejection of the male binary and so I carry more female and androgynous traits. This affects the way I speak, move my body, dress and my perspective on greater society. I also experience gender dysphoria. Now, to some, this would mean I was most likely just trans and using this a stopping-point before going further. This I feel is not the case. Whilst I am made uncomfortable by my flat chest, copious hair and broad shoulders, I do not feel the same about my genitalia or Adam's apple.

There are also more political connotations with the term genderqueer over non-binary. Genderqueer is a lot more aggressive but it gets the point across more clearly but I wouldn't say I wasn't non-binary. In fact, I think they're one and the same in practice but I do use my identity as a statement and so the genderqueer label feels more appropriate.

So yeah, I came out as genderqueer that February evening. First to my partner, then my friends and only now, almost a year later, am I attempting with my family.

I am so much happier for it too. I kept myself hidden for so long and have only now started to just accept myself and give in to the voice in my head telling me to let go. I'm much more relaxed too. Since coming out and using more neutral and even feminine pronouns, my dysphoria has become less of an issue. I still get it and I have bad days of course but for the first time in a long time, things are looking up.

I can't change the world, but I've been able to find myself in it more clearly and that helps a bunch.

TL;DR: I'm genderqueer. I'm bisexual. I've been out for a considerable time now and feeling better because of it.

Anyway, if you did read the whole thing, thank you. I'm not saying this'll be the same forever but this is me now and I'm still breathing so come get me world!

Feel free to reblog this, I hope it helps others realise themselves too.

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 2, 10/3/2018.

Doubts hammering away at me again. “What if you’re wrong. What if you’re wrong. What if you’re wrong. You can’t go back. You can’t go back. You can’t go back.”

I’m scared. I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t get the narrative of “I always knew I was born in the wrong body,” or, “When I was little I wanted to play with trucks and Legos instead of Barbies”. There’s a reason for this narrative to be so common-looking, and it’s so that we could “justify” transitioning in the past. Not to say that it doesn’t apply to people. But I don’t have that narrative to reassure myself with.

I liked Barbies and I also went through a motorcycle phase. I liked dragons and Pokemon and A Series of Unfortunate events. I like makeup, fashion, and weightlifting, though it has been a very long time since I last lifted. I drool at classic cars. What can I say, no matter what gender I subscribe to, I’m bad at either.

I just keep going back to that moment. That moment at the counseling office, where I said, “I’m a handsome man. No, I don’t need to be handsome. I’m cute.”

I’m a cute man. A cute man in a dress.

A scared boy in a dress.

It’s tiring. I’m tired. But at the very least some things are changing for the better. I’m eating a little less garbage, because I want a decent body when I transition. Maybe I’ll go running sometime, maybe I won’t. I managed to draw my first picture for Kinktober, and I was proud, though my understanding of the penis leaves some to be desired.

I suppose another thing that’s nice is that my fear of penises has gone down rather nicely. I am interested in sexual activities with them involved again. Something frustrating, though, is that sexual activities with my own body have become more difficult. Hard to look down at those DDs. Bottom surgery or not (unlikely because orgasming is nice), I just want my chest to be gone. I hate looking at it. I hate seeing it. I want it out of my outfits; it feels like a disruption of my narrative. I’m a man in a dress. And there they are, making me look like what I no longer can pretend to be.

I’m not in class at the moment, when I should be. Or at my psychiatric appointment. I’m here at home, trying to cope. Trying to hide. Trying to escape. I wish I was different. You know that feeling? Not different as in “not trans or not queer”. But different. Functional. Even better, a brilliant person capable of exhibiting work ethic and intelligence.

I’m a sad sack of a man hiding in here. I wish someone could just take my hand and help me escape this hole, forever. But that’s not possible, at least it doesn’t look like it. I just want sanctuary. Not escaping, but a sanctuary within. Somewhere that I can carry wherever I go, a safe space that reminds me of the man living inside, the man who wants to succeed and thrive and be beautiful in his dress, rest by the sunset with his friends, fall in love with life all over again. I’m getting rambly aren’t I?

Will update as the day goes along.

[sophygurl]

Thoughts for National Coming Out Day in this year of our lord twentyGAYteen:

1. When I was a teenager, I knew I was straight. In my 20′s, I knew I was bi. In my 30′s, I knew I was pan. I’m in my 40′s now and it’s gotten complex.

I’m non-mono romantically and sexually attracted, as in I have attraction to multiple genders. 

But I’m also suspecting more and more that I fall on the ace spectrum along the lines of akoisexual. I experience attraction, I like the idea of dating and relationships, but I don’t like the feeling of being attracted to, and the reality of dating or sex or being in a relationship feels yucky to me. Some of this might be due to PTSD stuff and/or other medical reasons. But it also might just be who I am. It could be a combo of both. Whatever the case, I’m cool being single.

I’m also poly, and I know not everyone thinks polyamory belongs under the queer/lgbtetc. umbrella, but for me it most definitely fits as part of my overall orientation and identity. When I was dating, I did mono or poly relating equally, but FELT poly whichever I was doing. And as a singleton now, I still FEEL poly. It’s important to me. And my platonic life partners still feel like a poly community to me. We have each other in ways that significant others do but just minus the sex and romance. 

I’m also genderqueer, and I’ve thought a lot about what that means to me individually. I don’t consider myself trans or non-binary. There’s a lot of complicated and personal reasons why that is the case for me, but it ends up sounding like gatekeeping because other people might share similarities to my situation but do consider themselves trans and/or enby, so we’ll just leave it as - it’s just how I personally do and don’t identify. I feel that I have a multiplicity of gender, including feminine and masculine both. But I am also very comfortable with my assigned bio sex as female. It’s my gender that’s queer - not my sex. For some people it’s the other way around, or both. 

All of this is long-winded and complex, and so much easier summed up as queer, so mostly I just go with queer. Also because apparently queer is having to be re-reclaimed these days which pisses me off so I’m just gonna use the word queer as often as possible. Queer. Queer. Queer! 

2. I’m out, open, proud, and loud about my identities. This is mostly because I’m just an obnoxious self-discloser in general and will tell anyone anything about myself at the slightest provocation. 

BUT Also, I do think it is very important for the people who can and want to be out to do so. Someone has to answer questions and challenge norms and be an example to young folk and make all this shit visible and normalized. And since I have no qualms about being out, I am happy to do these things for the folks who can’t or just choose not to. Because that shit is valid as hell, too. 

There are so many many reasons why someone might not feel safe to come out, or ready to come out, or not want to come out fully, or might just want to come out to some people and not others, or might want to come out about some aspects of their identities and not others, or might want to be fully out but not be bugged or questioned about it beyond stating what is true about themselves, etc. All of that is valid. 

But I’m here and openly queer and ready to talk about it. So feel free to ask me about my queerness. (This goes for other shit in my life, too. For example, I will answer questions about my chronic illnesses or my mental illnesses or about living on disability benefits or about being an abuse survivor or about my favorite books or my cats or whatever the fuck.) 

Leave the people who want their privacy alone. But I’m someone you can come at, as long as you’re polite and respectful about it. 

3. My coming out stories are kinda weird. Because my life has been kinda weird. So like, my dad came out to me when I was around 10 and my parents were splitting up. It came out along with a whole bunch of other stuff about the dysfunctional aspects of my parent’s marriage and some wrong things my dad did which is maybe the one thing I won’t talk publicly about yet because it’s not really my story to tell but I do talk about it privately. But so anyway. Yea.

My parents split up, my dad came out as gay and left the ministry as a result, and he moved out of town. This was in the mid-80′s in a conservative area of the midwest, so it was not a thing that was talked about publicly. I did not tell any of my friends for years. One friend found out by snooping through my things and then told me. Another friend and I got talking because he had a gay older brother and we were safe people to talk to about this thing (it later turned out we were both queer too but I sure didn’t know back then and I think he was probably in early figuring it out stages himself at the time). 

I didn’t tell anyone else until I got to college. Not even my bestest friend knew. So first things first - I had to come out about my dad being gay.

I didn’t personally have an issue with my dad’s gayness. I just knew other people were likely to, and I was being actively bullied by half the student body already and if this secret came out it would just have given them more fodder, so I kept it in. Turns out, some of my friends had figured it out anyway and were fine with it. And all of my friends were great about it once they were told. 

But not only was my dad gay, but my parents were very liberal and we had family friends who were gay, and my parents talked openly with me about trans people and intersex people and many other things so it was not an issue for me. I used to sometimes wonder if I might be gay and then go, nope, I like boys too much! lol

So then I got to college. And met and befriended people who were bisexual or at least bi-curious and it got me thinking... and one day while out thinking I caught myself watching a woman’s butt wiggling as she walked in front of me, and I realized that I enjoyed watching such things a lot, and the lightbulb clicked on like ooohhhhhhh I’m bisexual! 

My friends who were fine about my dad being gay were equally fine about my bisexuality. I mean, listen, some of them were conservative Christians who believed I was probably going to end up in hell some day - but they probably thought that about me before this realization for other reasons anyway - and they still loved and accepted me as a person, which is what mattered to me. I was a little worried to tell my dad because I knew not all gay people accepted bi people, but he was fine about it. 

The funny part was my mom. When I went off to college, my mom started doing as much self-exploration as I was doing. So we kept coming to the same realizations around the same time. Bisexuality, polyamory, Unitarian Universalism, etc. It was like - I discovered this new thing about myself ... oh yea, me too! lol

I’ve never had a negative coming out experience with anyone I actually care about. I’ve had strangers or casual acquaintances on the internet react badly, but that shit doesn’t bother me. 

I know I am incredibly lucky - both in how easy it’s been for me to figure out and accept my own identities, and in how easy it’s been for the people in my life to accept them and me. I remember I told my bestest friend about my bisexuality when I had just broken up with my first partner - a guy - and was heart broken and going to come live with her for a little bit until I got my life sorted back out a bit. I wanted her to know, in case I started to date a woman. But I also didn’t want her to worry about the whole living in the same space thing, so I assured her I wasn’t attracted to her in that way. She very comically asked me why, wasn’t she attractive enough, and acted offended, which was just the perfect reaction and I will love her forever for that. 

Not only have I never had a bad coming out experience, but I know that my coming out has directly helped others to come to terms with their identities, and has helped to educate open minded but unaware allies about lots of things. So I am very fortunate. 

And this is a huge part of why I can so easily and comfortably be out and proud. Not everyone gets to have the experiences that I’ve had. So if there is anything I can do to pay this shit forward and be there for other queer folk, I’m gonna always do it. 

I’m here and I’m safe to come out to. I will hold your secret as confidential. I will help you open up about it if that’s your desire. I will support you as you question and figure shit out. I will help you find resources. I will believe you. I will accept you. I will help raise your voice. I will be your voice if you can’t speak up for yourself. I will fight off your bullies. I will field your ridiculous questions. I will listen. I will hear you. I will tell you that you are not alone. 

[kittykat-creations]

The Hunger Gaymes: Part 2

Warnings for this chapter: Some blood, background character death, weapons

The sorting process had taken forever, in Ford's opinion, but he was upset when it was over. Because that meant they were dumped into a giant arena with around 108000 other queer people from New Jersey. They were surrounded by forest: trees, dirt, grass, even some streams and ditches. As they were looking around, a voice rang out from above the arena.

"You all have five days to prepare for battle. If you kill anyone before then, you will also be killed. You are allowed to kill those on your own team. Once five people from a state remain, they will be taken from the games to safety, to recharge for the final round. Good luck."

'Good luck.' What a thought coming from the one who put them all in here.

"Come on Sixer, let's get out of here," Stan said, grabbing Ford's hand and dragging him towards the center of the arena. The space was somehow big enough for all 3 million kids to fit in and not be too near each other at the start. So the twins explored the forest area, collecting supplies and using Ford's knowledge to gather edible food.

It was actually a rather good start.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and others! Time is up! Let the battles begin!"

Ford squinted angrily out of the hammock he had hung between the tree branches. The sun had barely risen. They couldn't have waited till midday at least?

"Well. Guess it's up and at 'em, Sixer," Stan said, sitting up in his own hammock. "Come on."

They climbed out of the hammocks and folded them up, stuffing them into their backpacks. Sprinkled throughout the arena were boxes or bags of supplies. On the second day, they had found some backpacks with food, water, and netting inside. They had used the netting to make the hammocks, and the food and water to sustain them until they found their own.

Ford yawned and rubbed his eyes as the two of them walked through the trees.

"Man, I'd kill for some coffee right now," he mumbled.

"Careful what you say, Ford," Stan snickered.

"Right..."

Ford sighed, adjusting the backpack straps on his shoulders. He really hoped they could survive this thing. But among 3 million other queer kids? Their chances of even making it to the final round were extremely slim.

"Hey, chin up, buddy," Stan smiled. "With my awesome punching skills and your nerd smarts, I have a good feeling that we'll win!"

"Hehe. Maybe."

Ford's trap had worked again.

Ford hated when his traps worked.

He kept his sight away from the deep water as Stan dove under to grab the drowned teen and pull them back up to the surface. Stan seemed to hate it too, but he could handle it a bit better than Ford could.

The girl was dark-skinned, with curly black hair, a rainbow on her inner wrist. Ford felt the familiar punch in his gut when he saw her, soaking wet and still, eyes closed, not breathing. Oh how he hated this part. But if they wanted to survive, they had to make it to the final 245. That meant eliminating as much as the competition as possible.

"Mm, she didn't have much," Stan reported, pulling some stuff from the girl's handbag she had appeared to make herself. "A knife, some berries, bug spray- that's really useful. She must have had a base not far from here."

Ford nodded, his arms wrapped around his knees as he watched his brother.

He hated when his traps worked.

"Virginia has been eliminated from the games! Only ten states left!"

There had to be only a few thousand kids left now, Ford thought. He was surprised he and Stan had lasted this long. Of course, there had been a few close calls. Ford picked at the gauze wrapped around his upper arm. There was a small spot of blood seeping through, but it had dried up a few hours ago, which meant the wound underneath wasn't bleeding.

Ford sighed as he returned to gathering the berries from the bush. So many innocent people dead, for no reason other than being themselves in an "otherwise perfect country." Really, what had even led to the extreme measures the government took to make sure there were no gay or trans people in America?

Crack.

Ford stood up straight, nearly frozen as he looked around the clearing. The sound had come from above. A bird, he hoped? Looking up towards the trees rewarded him with someone dropping out of them with a yell, knocking him to the ground. He yelped and let out a yell when his head hit the dirt. He looked up to see an arrow pointed directly at his heart.

His eyes went wide as he stared up at the boy above him. His bright blue eyes were narrowed, furrowed, as he stared back, panting. His face was set and determined, body tight and rigid as he held the bow and arrow. His hair was caked with dirt, but if it had been clean, it looked as though it would be a nice blond color.

The two boys remained still, unmoving apart from the rising and falling of chests. Silent, aside from the deep pant of breath.

Ford's mind, which had previously gone blank, began to race. This was it, wasn't it? He had gotten so far, only to be shot through the chest. Leave Stanley all alone. Would Stan make it? Was there an afterlife? What was it like? Anywhere was better than here, wasn't it? What was dying like? Would it be quick, if the arrow went right through his heart? Painful? Probably.

The seconds seemed to stretch into hours, into days, into years. Until Ford realized that he was still alive. That the boy hadn't let go of the arrow, that it remained pulled and tight against the bow.

And then, time seemed to unfreeze.

"Arg, yer too cute ta kill!" The boy groaned, lowering the bow and pulling the arrow out of the string. Ford blinked for the first time in... was it only seconds? What was going on? His brain was still catching up. "Curse mah weak gay heart!"

"U-um-"

The boy ignored him and offered a hand to help him up. Ford looked confused, but took his hand and used it to pull himself to his feet. Suddenly, the arrow was pointed at him again, but this time by hand, and directly against his neck.

"Take advantage'a this an' ya won' live ta regret it, got it?" The boy asked.

"Uh-huh!" Ford squeaked. The boy eyed him and lowered the arrow. Suddenly, there was a second yell, and Stan burst into the clearing, tackling the other boy to the ground. He yelped once when he hit the ground, and again when the knife appeared.

"STAN! Stan, wait!" Ford cried, grabbing his brother's arm. The knife was jerked away from the other boy's face and he sighed in relief.

"Wait for what?!" Stan snapped, trying to pull his arm back. "He tried to kill you!"

"But he didn't!" Ford replied. Stan paused, raising an eyebrow at the boy underneath him.

"Why didn't you kill my brother?" He asked.

"U-um, A-Ah thought... be-because... h-he's kinda cute?" The boy blushed slightly. Stan rolled his eyes and secured the knife, standing up and pulling the other to his feet.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Fiddleford McGucket."

"Stan, Ford," Stan pointed at himself and then his twin.

"W-well, it's nice ta, um, meet y'all," Fiddleford gave a shaky smile. "Although, not under the circumstances, Ah gotta say."

Ford laughed.

"It's nice to meet you as well," he said.

"...say, y'all wanna join an alliance Ah've got goin'?" Fiddleford asked. "It's just me an' one other person, my best friend, but we could use some others."

"Sure, that could be smart," Ford nodded. "The more people you're with, the more likely you'll survive to the final round."

"Exactly," Fiddleford smiled. "C'mon! Ah'll show ya to our base."

He turned around to lead them the other way, revealing a fresh red stain on the back of his shirt.

"Fiddleford! You're bleeding!" Ford frowned. Why was he so worried about this boy already? Sure, he was kind of cute. But that didn't really matter in the long run, did it?

"Huh?" Fiddleford twisted to look at his back. "Oh, darn. The landin' must've tore the wound again. Ah'll get it fixed up once we get back ta base."

[keiynantrieshisbest-blog]

My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone’s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

[illbefinealonereads]

Blog tour! I’m offering you information and an excerpt from Out Now by Saundra Mitchell.

Out Now: Queer We Go Again! By Saundra Mitchell On Sale: May 26, 2020 Inkyard Press YOUNG ADULT FICTION/Diversity & Multicultural | YOUNG ADULT FICTION/Romance/LGBT 9781335018267; 1335018263 $18.99 USD 416 pages

A follow-up to the critically acclaimed All Out anthology, Out Now features seventeen new short stories from amazing queer YA authors. Vampires crash prom…aliens run from the government…a president’s daughter comes into her own…a true romantic tries to soften the heart of a cynical social media influencer…a selkie and the sea call out to a lost soul. Teapots and barbershops…skateboards and VW vans…Street Fighter and Ares’s sword: Out Now has a story for every reader and surprises with each turn of the page! This essential and beautifully written modern-day collection features an intersectional and inclusive slate of authors and stories.

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Out-Now-Queer-We-Again/dp/1335018263 Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/out-now-saundra-mitchell/1133810272 IndieBound: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781335018267 Books-A-Million: https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Out-Now/Saundra-Mitchell/9781335018267?id=4861510030088 AppleBooks: https://books.apple.com/us/book/out-now/id1481649552 Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Saundra_Mitchell_Out_Now?id=0SeyDwAAQBAJ

Saundra Mitchell has been a phone psychic, a car salesperson, a denture deliverer and a layout waxer. She's dodged trains, endured basic training and hitchhiked from Montana to California. She teaches herself languages, raises children and makes paper for fun. She is the author of Shadowed Summer and The Vespertine series, the upcoming novelization of The Prom musical, and the editor of Defy the Dark. She always picks truth; dare is too easy. Visit her online at www.saundramitchell.com.

Author website: wwww.saundramitchell.com Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Saundra-Mitchell/164136390442617 Twitter: @saundramitchell Instagram: @smitchellbooks Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52172088-out-now

Excerpt:

KICK. PUSH. COAST. By Candice Montgomery

Excerpted from OUT NOW: Queer We Go Again! Edited by Saundra Mitchell, used with permission by Inkyard Press, © 2020 by Inkyard Press.

 Every day, same time, same place, she appears and doesn’t say a word.

Well, she doesn’t just appear. She takes a bus. You know she takes a bus because you see her get off the bus right in front of 56th Street, just in front of the park where you skate.

You know she takes a bus and gets off right in front of the park at 56th Street because you are always at the park, wait-ing to catch a glance of her.

She—her appearance—is a constant. Unlike your sexuality, all bendy like the way your bones got after yesterday’s failed backside carve.

Bisexualpansexualdemisexualpanromanticenby all bleeding bleeding-bleeding…into one another.

That drum of an organ inside your chest tells you to just be patient. But now, here you are and there she is and you can’t help yourself.

She’s beautiful.

And so far out of your league.

You’re not even sure what she does here every day, but you probably shouldn’t continue to watch her while trying to nail a Caballerial for the first time. Losing focus there is the kind of thing that lends itself to unforgiving injuries, like that time you broke your leg in six places on the half-pipe or the time you bit clean through your bottom lip trying to take down a 360 Pop Shove It.

You’re still tasting blood to this very day. So’s your skate-board. That one got split clean in half.

She looks up at you from underneath light brown lashes that seem too long to be real. She reminds you of a Heelflip. You don’t know her well but you imagine that, at first, she’s a pretty complicated girl, before you get good enough to really know her. You assume this just given the way her hair hangs down her back in a thick, beachy plait, the way yours never could.

Not since you chopped it all off.

That’s not a look for a lady, your mom says repeatedly. But you’ve never been very femme and a few extra inches of hair plus that pink dress Mom bought you won’t change that.

You hate that dress. That dress makes you look like fondant. Someone nails a Laserflip right near where you’re standing and almost wipes out.

Stop staring. You could just go introduce yourself to her.

But what would you say?

Hi, I’m Dustyn and I really want to kiss you but I’m so confused about who I am and how am I supposed to introduce myself to you if I can’t even get my label right, oh, and also, you make me forget my own name.

And in a perfect world, she would make eyes at you. She’d make those eyes at you and melt your entire fucking world in the way only girls ever can.

Hi, Dustyn, I’m in love with you. Eyelashes. All batting eye-lashes.

No. No, the conversation probably wouldn’t go that way. Be nice if it did though. Be nice if anything at all could go your way when it comes to romance.

You push into a 360 ollie while riding fakie and biff it so bad, you wish you possessed whatever brain cells are the ones that tell you when to quit.

If that conversation did go your way, on a realistic scale, she’d watch you right back. You would nail that Caballerial.

Take a break. Breathe. Breathe breathe breathe. Try some-thing else for a sec.

Varial Heelflip. Wipe out.

Inward Heelflip. Gnarly spill.

Backside 180 Heelflip. Game, set, match—you’re finished. That third fail happens right in front of her and you play it off cool. Get up. Don’t even give a second thought to your battle wounds. You’re at the skate park on 56th Street because there’s more to get into. Which means, you’re not the only idiot limping with a little drug called determination giving you momentum.

Falling is the point. Failing is the point. Getting better and changing your game as a skater is the point. Change.

But what if things were on your side? What if you’d stuck with that first label? What if Bisexual felt like a good fit and never changed?

Well, then you’d probably be landing all these 180s.

If bisexual just fit, you’d probably have been able to hold on to your spot in that Walk-In Closet. But it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t fit which kind of sucks because at Thanksgiving din-ner two years ago, your cousin Damita just had to open her big mouth and tell the family you “mess with girls.” Just had to tell the family, a forkful of homemade mac and cheese headed into said mouth, that you are “half a gay.”

That went over well. Grams wouldn’t let you sit on her plastic-lined couches for the rest of the night. Your great-uncle Damian told her gay is contagious. She took it to heart.

No offense, baby. Can’t have all that on my good couches. You glance up and across the park, memories knocking

things through your head like a good stiff wind, and you find her taking a seat.

Oh.

Oh, she never does this. She never gets comfortable. She’s changing things up. You’re not the only one.

Maybe she plans to stay a while.

You love that she’s changing things up. You think it feels like a sign. It’s like she’s riding Goofy-Foot today. Riding with her right foot as dominant.

The first time you changed things up that way, you ended up behind the bleachers, teeth checking with a trans boy named Aaron. It felt so right that you needed to give it a name.

Google called it pansexual. That one stuck. You didn’t bother to explain that one to the family, though. They were just starting to learn bisexual didn’t mean you were gay for only half the year.

You pop your board and give the Caballerial another go.

It does not want you. You don’t stick this one either.

If pansexual had stuck, you’d introduce yourself to the beautiful girl with a smaller apology on your tongue. Hi, I’m Dustyn, I’ve only changed my label the one time, just slightly, but I’m still me and I’d really love to take you out.

And the beautiful girl would glance at your scraped elbows and the bruised-up skin showing through the knee holes in your ripped black skinny jeans. She’d see you and say, Hi, small, slight changes are my favorite. And then she’d lace her bubble-gum-nail-polished hand with yours.

But you changed your label after that, too. It was fine for a while. Your best friend, Hollis, talked you through the symp-toms of demisexuality.

No wonder holding the beautiful girl’s hand seems so much more heart-palpitating than anything else. A handhold. So simple. Just like an ollie.

You take a fast running start, throwing your board down, and end up on a vert skate, all empty bowl-shaped pools that are so smooth, your wheels only make a small whisper against them.

A whisper is what you got that first time you realized sex was not for you. Not with just anyone. This was…mmm, probably your biggest revelation.

It was like you’d been feeding your body Big Macs three times a day and suddenly—a vegetable!

Tic-tacking is when you use your entire body to turn the board from one side to the other. It’s a game of lower body strength, but also a game of knowing your weight and know-ing your board. You are not a tic-tac kind of girl.

You are not a girl at all. You are just…you.

That.

That one’s sticking forever. You know it all the way through to your gut.

You make one more attempt, which probably isn’t super wise because you are so close to the spot where she’s sitting that not only will she see you bite the dust, but she’ll hear that nasty grunt you make when you meet the ground.

You coast by.

The friction vibrates up through your bearings and you know you’re going too fast because you start to feel a little bit of a speed-wobble, that lovely, untimely, oscillatory behavior that means bro, you are about to lose control.

And you hate that word. Control. You hate that word be-cause it is so very rare that you have any. Over your life, your sexuality, your gender, your pronouns, your heartbeat when you’re around your beautiful girl.

But then you do.

You gain control. And you nail that Caballerial.

And the three guys who’ve been watching you make an ass of yourself all afternoon pop their boards up, hold them over their heads and let out wolf shouts.

And you’re smiling so hard. You get like that when you nail a particularly difficult one. You’re smiling so hard you don’t notice the someone standing behind you.

Beautiful girl. You don’t even want to control your smile here.

“You did it,” she says.

[bapakharyoso]

Photo: Stephane Cardinale - Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images

Port Authority made history last night as the first film starring a trans woman of color to premiere at Cannes . The film, from writer-director Danielle Lessovitz, stars model, voguer, and actress Leyna Bloom as Wye, a young trans woman entrenched in Harlem’s kiki ballroom scene who falls in love with a cis white male drifter named Paul (Fionn Whitehead). It’s a career-making turn for newcomer Bloom, who’s magnetic in the role — with the dazzling screen presence of a Golden-Age legend — but the supporting cast surrounding her are just as

Photo: Stephane Cardinale - Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images

Port Authority made history last night as the first film starring a trans woman of color to premiere at Cannes. The film, from writer-director Danielle Lessovitz, stars model, voguer, and actress Leyna Bloom as Wye, a young trans woman entrenched in Harlem’s kiki ballroom scene who falls in love with a cis white male drifter named Paul (Fionn Whitehead). It’s a career-making turn for newcomer Bloom, who’s magnetic in the role — with the dazzling screen presence of a Golden-Age legend — but the supporting cast surrounding her are just as brilliant. As Wye’s fellow dancers and chosen family, the members of the McQueen House fill the film with light and energy, dancing on the steps of New York’s Port Authority, performing at vibrant late-night ballroom competitions, and consoling her when Paul acts like a dick, which is quite often. [1][2][3]

The members of McQueen House are played almost exclusively by young, queer people of color; in real life, many of them are also firmly rooted in New York’s ballroom scene. On last night’s red carpet, Bloom and her onscreen family went instantaneously viral, strutting and voguing up the Palais stairs in bright, flowing garments. As Wye puts it in the film, the kiki ballroom scene is about “taking back all the space that the world doesn’t give me”; last night, she and the cast did just that.

But the “boys,” as Port Authority’s supporting cast is affectionately called within the film’s circle, almost didn’t make it to Cannes. Back in April, faced with the impossible financial realities of flying across the country on an indie movie budget, they decided to start a GoFundMe called “Kiki Road to Cannes[4].” “The inventive dancing styles and costumes these kiki members create have been copied many times over by famous artists and singers, but deserved attribution is rarely ascribed for their efforts. Now we have a chance to honor their contributions on an international stage at Cannes,” reads the fundraising page. “Many of our actors come from underprivileged backgrounds and have been homeless at various points in their lives, often as a result of being ostracized by their families for being queer. The kiki scene is where they find family and acceptance. These young people have breathed such life into the film, and we want to make sure they are able to come to France to celebrate their achievement at the Cannes Festival.”

In just four weeks, the GoFundMe raised $6,000 of the boys’ $10,000 goal. It was enough to send all of them to the festival, where I had the chance to catch up with them the morning after their viral red-carpet moment. When I sat down with Christopher Quarles (aka Afrika Juicy Milan), Eddie Plaza (aka Miggy Mulan), Devon Carpenter, Taliek Jeqon, Paris Warren, and producer Jari Jones, their positive energy was palpable and contagious. By the end of our conversation, we were all hugging and promising to meet up back in New York. Below, they tell me what it’s like to be “discovered,” make a groundbreaking film, and end up in the South of France, voguing down the Croisette.

Eddie Plaza: They let us vogue on the red carpet. Did you see it? Look [shows me the photos in the Cannes Festival magazine]. Jesus Christ, that’s amazing.

Yes, you guys all look fucking amazing. Tell me how you all got cast in Port Authority. Christopher Quarles: I was just walking a random ball and people came up to me out of nowhere — after I won, of course. They were like, “I love your personality, we saw you moving around the room. We want to invite you to this casting.” I was like, “Okay … ” I thought it was a scam — another one. But then it was like, step after step after step, and look where I’m at!

Devon Carpenter: We were at the same ball, and I was walking, and the [casting directors] came up to me and were saying they loved my performance, my personality. I also thought it was a scam. But I decided to have faith. It became an amazing experience.

Taliek Jeqon: And I was at the same ball! [Laughs] I didn’t win. They actually missed my category. I walk a category called Bazaar, and my category is really big, out there, glitter, colors — I had to get ready. They were like, “I didn’t see you walk! We need to see you again.”

Eddie:They cast me literally in the street. I was at a festival outside and they came up to me, and asked me, “What’s your height? How much you weigh?” I was like, “Mister! I don’t know who you are! I’m not telling you anything.” But I searched him on Google, and as soon as I saw they were legit, I was like, “I have to do this.”

Did you guys all know each other beforehand? Eddie: Yes. But we weren’t close. But we built a crazy bond over filming. It was so dope to know the people, then learn who they are inside.

Christopher: This is my nephew. This is my brother. This is my best friend. The only person I didn’t know was Eddie. But in this community, we don’t have to know each other to know each other. We’re like, “What’s up, girl? What’s up, sis?” You’re a family. It’s automatic.

Do you hang out all the time now? All:Of course. Of course.

Eddie: It’s family vibes. If you’re not cool with your real biological family, you can go out and find yourself a chosen family.

Christopher: Join the Marines.

Eddie: Join the McQueens! [Laughs.]

Do you guys refer to yourself as the McQueens now? Christopher: We are McQueens. We hold onto that legacy. It’s been a part of the kiki scene for 13 years now. Forever. We’re all individually in different houses — some of us lead their houses. [All go around and name their houses, overlapping with each other.]

You see? There’s so much. People look up to us and we don’t even know half the time. I’m openly HIV-positive, so I deal with a community that’s very different. We deal with a lot of trauma, emotions, stigma. So for me, it’s deeper. I’m able to be an openly HIV-positive person. You have so many people who look at us like, “He’ll be gone in a few years.” I’ve had people say that to me. My mom had the nerve to take out an extra life insurance policy on me. That broke me. For me, it’s deeper. There’s no life expectancy for me. I’m here.

Jari Jones: Preach.

Paris Warren: Moments like this are reassuring for me as well. I’m HIV-positive as well. Meeting all of them, connecting with them in this way, inspired me as a person. I love them. This is my brother. This is my best friend. This is my good Judy. I’m so happy. It’s bigger than me. It’s bigger than all of us. Even though people in America are talking about it, they don’t even know what’s going on. Just the surface.

Eddie: The tip of the ice cube!

Tell me about how the fundraiser started. Jari: When the campaign started, it was very important for me to make sure they got here. To have black and brown bodies on that red carpet — it’s a game-changer. Black men, queer black men. They don’t make it [to Cannes], not like that. It’s not something that’s common. For them, these individuals, to be that symbol — for them to do that — it meant the world. We did everything we could to get here.

Taliek: It feels really good and reassuring to be able to communicate [our story]. The art of vogue is a place to express yourself. It’s good for your mental health. It’s reassuring to our community to see us here. We wanted to uplift our community, and our community uplifted us.

We wanted to show people what our family was like. We wanted to tell our stories, and we needed the support, and we were humble enough to ask. It’s our community and we’re trying to get ourselves together. It takes a village. It feels good to know you have people supporting you. Everybody wants to feel accepted. And we have it amongst each other, too — [Devon’s] mom is here with us. I’d never met her, but it was instantly like, “Oh, can I have a bowl of cereal?”

Christopher: Even though I’m the head honcho. [Laughs] She, like, was my mother.

How did you react when you learned you’d be here? Christopher: I went and got my passport. That Sunday. They made me the ringleader for passports. Eddie was like, “What do I need to do?” I was like, “Listen, girl, you gotta get in line.” She didn’t wanna wait. She wanted to get online. It didn’t hit me until the day before. I’ve been let down so much. As a black man, I’ve been let down a lot in my lifetime. I don’t ever get my hopes up, because shit always happens. I was like, “I’m not gonna brag, I’m not gonna talk about it.” I held this to myself for so long. I told a few people, but I held it in because I was afraid.

People told me all the time I had potential to do great things. But I would doubt myself. Everytime something good came along, something would happen.

Paris: You gotta get so many no’s to get a yes.

Christopher: You have to build your strength. At this point in my life, there’s nothing nobody can tell me.

Taliek: A goddamn thing!

Eddie: That’s why it was so amazing. We’d gone through all that just to get here. Watching people support us, watching that number go up, I was so ecstatic.

Devon: It felt so good.

Eddie: They believed in us. They believed in the dream we had. They wanted us to create history. And that’s what we did.

Christopher: Indya Moore from Pose[5]used to be one of my gay daughters. She told me her dream. She was like, “This is what I’m doing. Nobody’s gonna stop me.” We lost connection because I’m doing this and she’s doing this, but that happens in life. I tagged her in [the campaign], and she’s always been that person that wants to give back. Once I did that, she posted it back, and $500 was in the account. That’s community support.

Paris: It’s about time. It’s about time. To see that momentum will just continue to make these moments come for people, not just us.

Jari: That’s how we survive being black, being queer. You don’t have something? Ask your brother. Ask your sister. Borrowing a cup of sugar? That’s so real. We know how to come together to make something grand. So we came together and did it. It’s our chosen family.

Paris: Chosen family — it’s the family you have [versus] the family you choose to have. This is my family. I love them. They mean the world to me.

Devon: I’m so thankful to share this with my family.

Did you plan the voguing on the carpet, or was it spontaneous? Christopher: It was a mix of both, because it was kind of last minute.

Eddie: We wanted to! But we got the confirmation literally three hours beforehand. So we were pretty much like, “This is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna take [Taliek’s] dress off, and that’s what gonna happen.” He wouldn’t be Taliek if he wasn’t extra and had those two outfit changes.

Taliek: I wanted to be Lady Gaga. [6]Not to discredit anyone, but when I was speaking to my biological mother about my red-carpet look, I showed her my dress. She was like, “Why are you wearing a dress to the red carpet?” I was like, “Because I’m representing my community. If I was going to a ball, that’s what I’d be wearing.” But I was like, “I love you down mom, and you helped me get here too. So to respect you, I’m gonna wear a suit, too. But I want to have my moment as well.” The pictures are on Page Six! I vogued down. I think she was surprised — she didn’t realize how big this was. But she texted me, “Oh my god.”

Jari: We’re holding so much weight. To let it out was amazing. To be the first: The first to vogue on the carpet. The first to not wear suits on the carpet. Leyna is the first trans leading black woman. I’m the first black trans woman to produce a film here. If we don’t go big, why are we even here? We have to work twice as hard to make a statement.

Paris: Three times harder!

Christopher: You know Paris Is Burning premiered here years back. None of the [cast] made it here. Now look at us, generations later. We’ve imprinted on that carpet.

Eddie: This is how Paris is Burning was supposed to be.

Paris: It’s about creating an opportunity.

Devon: For that little boy in Minnesota, in Indiana, who think they can’t do this. They can see us on that red carpet.

Paris: It’s all about support. Especially in our community, it’s about creating a narrative and building on it.

Jari: We have to do it all ourselves. Nobody else is going to do it.

Eddie: Especially coming from the background we come from. We were given scraps, and we made —

All in unison: Gold.

References

^Port Authority (www.vulture.com)

^Cannes (www.vulture.com)

^which is quite often. (www.vulture.com)

^“Kiki Road to Cannes (www.gofundme.com)

^Indya Moore from Pose (www.vulture.com)

^be Lady Gaga. (www.vulture.com)

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