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ohmytyong · 2 years ago

Text

spin the bottle

part of @rrxnjun 's "the crush chronicles" collab

PAIRING: childhood friend!donghyuck x female!reader (side pairing: friend!yangyang x friend!karina)

GENRE: college au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, slightly angsty, coming-of-age, mc and hyuck grow apart and then become friends (or lovers!!) again, best friend!yangyang, best friend!karina, xiaojun and giselle are mentioned a couple times

WARNINGS: mentions of food, explicit language, alcohol consumption, mentions and use of drugs, smoking, vomiting, use of pet names (barely lol), probably a bit too fluffy at the end, the side couple is lowkey more interesting than the main couple (oops), super cliché plot line, not proofread (please let me know if i missed anything)

WC: 21,2 k (oops lol)

‣[PLAYLIST]: amusement park by baekhyun, can i call you tonight? by dayglow, on the way by nct dream, fallingforyou by the 1975

SUMMARY: you knew you loved lee donghyuck ever since you met him, when the two of you were little kids. you had become best friends and were practically inseparable. until one day, donghyuck had to leave town and he also had to leave you. however, your feelings for him only grew stronger and stronger and you knew you had to confess to him when you met him again in college. but all this time, you kept suppressing them and you were always left wondering one thing; if he ever loved you back.

A/N: wow i can't believe it's finally here!! i've spent months working on this fic and i can say i'm very proud for actually finishing it. thank you everyone for being excited for it and especially thanks to @rrxnjun and the collab call for giving me the basis for developing this idea <3 enjoy reading this fic and don't forget to give me feedback, it helps me a lot<33

read on wattpad / ao3

You were five years old when you first fell in love. Or at least you thought you did. You could never know what falling in love meant at such a young age. But that’s how you want to describe it. Because your feelings for him could not be compared to how you felt about other boys. He could not be compared to other boys. That’s why you fell in love with him. But he didn’t fall in love with you. Or if he did, he never showed it.

Loud cheerful screams were the sound echoing in your ears, mixed with the soothing dreamy music coming from the merry-go-round ahead of you. The gate in front of you seemed ginormous in comparison to your small body. Rainbow fairy lights were climbing up the sides of the gate, confetti glued in between each one of them. White balloons were tied to the top and bottom corners of the pillars, leading up to the bright red and gold sign at the top which read ‘Welcome to Dreamland’.

Your eyes were roaming around the place, looking up to the sky and then left and right to the amusement park your mum took you. Soft awes and chuckles left your lips every time you spotted something new. Everything seemed magical in your eyes, the music and the colors transporting your little brain to different dimensions; this was indeed dreamland.

You stopped in front of the merry-go-round and inspected it. The blue, gold and white horses were moving up and down to the rhythm of the music, kids were riding them with cheerful smiles on their faces. You wanted to go there too. You looked at your mother to ask her to get on the merry-go-round. You opened your mouth when-

“Y/n! Y/n!” a cheery voice was calling your name. You stopped to look towards the direction of the sound, only to spot your best friend. “Yangyang!”

You let go of your mother’s hand and sprinted towards him, capturing him into a tight hug. “Wanna go to the horses?” you asked him eagerly.

“Yes! Let’s go” he agreed and your mothers helped you get on the merry-go-round. After all, it was your favorite.

You and Yangyang went on almost every ride of the amusement park. You loved bumper cars, you went on the ferris wheel with your mothers and went on almost twenty rounds on the kids’ roller coaster. You even tried to catch a teddy bear at the claw machines, but you couldn’t get the chance to do so.

After hours of trying all of the amusement park rides, your little stomach started growling and the smell of food everywhere around you only triggered your hunger more. You passed by the food canteens, smelling and taking in all the delicious scents. "What should I choose?" you thought. Just then, you spotted a stand with something strange looking; it was multi-colored fluff on sticks. Cotton candy. You had never seen it before, so you had to try it.

“Mum! I want to try this! It looks like clouds! I want the pink one!”

Your mum agreed and bought you and Yangyang one stick of cotton candy each, while his mum bought you drinks.

You went over to the tables to sit and eat your cotton candy. You sat down on a chair and took a bite. You didn’t know what to expect, but the sugary flavor definitely met those expectations.

“Wow, it tastes so pink! And it feels like the clouds! It's so fluffy!” your mother laughed at your excitement and agreed.

Yangyang was eating his cotton candy too, but he suddenly grabbed your hand and dragged you down the chair. “Let’s go for a walk. Mum, can we go for a walk?” he turned to ask his mother.

His mum shrugged. “Okay, but not too far from here, I want to see you” she said and we left, grinning.

Obviously, you didn’t listen to her. You liked the freedom you had at that moment, so you went strolling through the entire amusement park.

You and Yangyang were holding each other’s hand so that neither of you run away and got lost. Your other hands were holding the cotton candy. You felt so small among the other people and the huge amusement park rides, but you liked it. You felt at ease.

Yangyang let go of your hand and started skipped in front of you. “In the count of three I’ll start running and you will chase after me to catch me!” he said leaving you still.

“No! Yangyang, I can’t run fast!”

Yangyang didn’t listen to you. He smirked instead and started counting. “One, Two. Three!”

“Wait!” you yelled, but he had already run away.

You sighed and started running through the crowd too. You could still spot him in between other people, but you couldn’t run that fast and stumbled when taking longer steps.

Yangyang stopped and turned back to look at you. He smiled and yelled. “Come on, you’re almost there!” and resumed running.

You were breathing heavily, your feet were feeling sore, and you couldn’t move with ease through the crowd. You took a deep breath and gathered all your energy to run as fast as you could. Your only focus was to catch your friend Yangyang, who was now walking backwards looking at you with a smug expression. You had blocked out your surroundings entirely and didn’t notice that another boy was running too. And he was running towards your direction.

Yangyang was now standing, waiting for you to catch him. “I got you!” you shouted before you let out a scream and fell on the ground. The other boy was running fast too, which ended in him bumping into you. Both of you and the other boy fell down on your butts, the cotton candy you were holding was now smashed and dropped on the ground too.

“No! My fluff!” you frowned, tears already forming in the corners of your eyes.

Yangyang was shocked to see you fall. He came over to you to help you get up, smoothening your dress. “Are you okay Y/n? I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get you hurt” he was the one that sounded more hurt.

“It’s okay Yangyang” you reassured him. “But my fluff fell too! I wanted to eat it!” you whined.

Yangyang hugged you. “Don’t worry, we’ll buy a new one."

The other boy steadily stood up by himself. “I’m sorry, I was running too. I didn’t see you.” The boy said, his head lowered.

Neither you or Yangyang responded, so he lifted his head slowly to look at you. “I can buy you cotton candy if you’d like. Sorry” he apologized again.

But you couldn’t speak now either. He looked at you with sorrow eyes, plump lips forming a pout. You took a moment to really look at him. His skin was darker than yours, he was slightly taller than you, his bowl-cut covered his eyebrows, moles on his cheek and neck.

You didn’t know why, but you felt your stomach clench. You cleared your throat and spoke. “Don’t be sorry, I was running too.”

The boy nodded. “My name is Donghyuck. What’s yours?” he asked.

“I’m Y/n and this is my friend Yangyang” you pointed at your friend beside you and he flashed a bright smile to the other boy, Donghyuck.

Donghyuck smiled too and you felt your stomach clench again. “Do you guys want to be friends?” he asked and both you and Yangyang nodded. “Yes let’s be friends! Do you wanna go ride the bumper cars?” Yangyang said and grabbed both yours and Donghyuck's hands.

That’s the first memory you had of him. The first time you saw him, and the first time you've ever felt this weird clenching feeling in your stomach. This was a memory you would always cherish and always remember dearly. But you weren't really sure if he held this memory as close to his heart as you did.

Beep. Pause. Beep

Why isn’t he picking up the phone? You had called Yangyang three times already. Where is he?

You put your phone in your pocket and grabbed the books you needed for your next class from your locker. As you locked it, an arm linked with yours and dragged you to the corridor.

“Are you ready for this new semester? I heard new students transferred to our department, they might be hot” your best friend Jimin was smirking, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Yeah they might be, but I have a class now and Yangyang isn’t here, I can’t cover up for him on the first day!” you complained.

“Oh come on Y/n, you know how he is. He probably slept in, he’ll be here, don’t worry” she said and you nodded.

You were walking towards your class, greeting a few of your old colleagues on the way. It was your third year of college already, but it still felt like your first day.

You and Jimin parted ways and went to your respective classes. You agreed to meet up later for coffee and lunch, after classes ended.

The amphitheater was almost full; you managed to spot an empty seat at the back of the room and hurried to sit there before someone else took that seat.

You sat down and placed the books on top of the desk. You checked your phone again and saw that Yangyang had now texted you.

[Yangles]

slept in. don’t save me a seat

ttyl :)

Typical Yangyang. You sighed and put your phone aside as the lecture was about to start.

For the next two hours, you couldn’t concentrate on the lecture because of the group of friends chatting behind you. If you were honest, their conversation was a lot more interesting than the lecture.

The girls behind you kept talking about the new students at the computer engineering department. You heard comments such as “oh he is so hot” and “they looked at me and winked”. Oh Jimin is gonna love the tea.

The lecture finally ended and you headed towards the coffee shop in which Jimin asked you to meet her. You sent her a text to let her know you’re on your way. As you were typing the text, suddenly an arm slung around your shoulder. So you let out a loud-ass scream.

“Guess who’s here!” Yangyang exclaimed, a wide grin plastered across his face, eyes bright, his loud voice a bit too close to your ear. If you ever become deaf, it’s all his fault.

“Oh good morning to you too Yangyang, I’m fine thanks and you?” you said ironically and he rolled his eyes at your comment.

“Cut the ironies bestie, I met Donghyuck earlier” he said and your feet froze and stayed glued right where you were standing.

But you haven’t seen him in years. He moved out of town when you were fifteen, right before high school, because his parents found a better job. He had promised both you and Yangyang that he would call and maybe even visit you whenever he could. And he kept his promise for a while, but after things got tougher with school, his phone calls and occasional visits stopped.

Your stomach clenched. You gulped and removed Yangyang’s arm from your shoulder. “what do you mean Donghyuck is here?”

“I mean that Donghyuck is here” he said, rolling his eyes again, but his tone was serious. “He transferred to the computer engineering department. I came across him on campus and met his friends too. Real cool guys. He asked me about you too.”

“He did?” you regret speaking, because you didn’t expect your voice to come out that shaky.

“Um yeah, why wouldn’t he? He wants us to meet and hang out, just like the good old days. Are you free now?”

“No, I’m actually meeting Jimin for coffee now. I was texting her before you scared the shit out of me” you said.

Yangyang laughed. “Okay, I’ll see you later then. I’ll tell Hyuck you said hi” he squeezed your cheek and left.

But you were still standing frozen, trying to comprehend what Yangyang just told you. Donghyuck is back. He is back and you couldn’t wait to see him again. So he does remember you. There must be a reason why he didn’t contact you all these years. People’s lives change, right? Does he still look as pretty as he did back then? Does he still care about you as he did back then? All these questions started forming one after the other in your head, but you couldn’t distract yourself from the clenching feeling in your stomach. In fact, these exact questions were to blame for causing you this feeling.

You were ten years old when you fell in love again. Not that you ever fell out of love. But at least now you were sure about your feelings. It wasn’t something you had made up; it was rather a confirmation that you had loved him ever since the day you saw him.

You had went to the park with Yangyang and Donghyuck. The three of you decided to do sports in the park; Yangyang took his skateboard with him and Yangyang took his bike. You, however, didn’t take anything with you; you didn’t know how to skate and you certainly didn’t know how to ride a bike. You just wanted to tag along because you had fun spending time with your friends.

But Donghyuck had offered to help you learn how to ride a bike. Yangyang bursted out laughing so hard when Donghyuck said that. “I tried to teach her how to skate once and let me tell you, I wouldn’t even think about teaching her how to ride a bike” Yangyang said.

Yangyang always found his way to make fun of you. He didn’t do it in order to be mean; it was anything but that. He liked teasing you because you would get annoyed and then he would apologize because he felt bad. “I didn’t mean it Y/n” he would say. “I know” you always responded.

But that day Donghyuck was present in this conversation. What you didn’t expect was for him to stand up for you. “Well, in her defense Yangyang” he started “skating is too hard. It needs patience both by the skater and the student. The bike is a bit easier to handle. I think Y/n can do it”.

Every time Donghyuck spoke about you, your stomach clenched. You didn’t know what it was about him that made you feel this way. Was it his eyes? His smile? His honey skin? His soft voice? His kindness and humor? The way he treated you? You didn’t know.

Yangyang agreed with Donghyuck. “You’re right, I didn’t mean what I said. Just so you know. I think you can do this Y/n” he said, his smile fading.

“Don’t apologize Yangles, I know you didn’t mean it” you said and his signature grin appeared on his face again.

You eventually learned how to ride a bike. Donghyuck helped you every time; he taught you how to keep your balance, held you every time you were about to fall and did it every day until you were finally able to do it on your own.

One day he asked you to go to the park to ride your bikes together. Yangyang said he couldn’t come because he felt sick. So it was just you and Donghyuck.

You always felt such comfort with him. He reminded you of a warm summer day in nature. His pure gaze felt like the sun rays hitting your skin, his plump lips seemed to be as soft as the cotton fields, his laugh livelier than the chirping birds. He was comfort himself.

That day the two of you went biking, you couldn’t help but smile at the way you felt. You felt free, independent, powerful. The world surrounding you was in a haze, the only sight you could see was him, the only sound you could hear was his voice.

But sometimes it felt nice not hearing his voice. It meant that he was at peace, and you were too. You had left your bikes standing against a tree and the two of you sat down on the grassy ground to just stare at the sunset. You both loved the sunset.

Donghyuck’s arm was resting on your lower back, his head leaning towards yours, which was resting on his shoulder. Sometimes, when you sat in a position like this, you would try to match your breathing with his. If you were to be honest, you would admit that it was quite hard.

Donghyuck’s gaze was set on the colorful sea of clouds ahead of him, You did the same. He didn’t turn to look at you when he spoke up. “You know, Y/n, at moments like this, I realise how much I enjoy spending time with you. You are truly the best friend I could ever have. I would never leave you, okay?”

The words he uttered at this exact moment confirmed that you sure loved him. More than just a friend. But you could never open up to him about this. He could never know. Not when he wasn’t feeling the same. Not when he didn’t keep his promise.

Jimin was sitting at a coffee table near the window, sipping from a white plastic cup while texting on her phone. You skipped towards her and sat down on the chair opposite from hers. “Donghyuck is here”.

She put down both her cup and her phone and looked at you with furrowed eyebrows. “What? Don’t tell me he’s one of the transfer students” she said.

“Well, apparently he is” you said. “Yangyang told me. They’ve already met. Plus, he asked about me”.

Jimin’s bottom lip dropped down to her jaw. “What?” she said again. “Okay, when are we meeting him? I need to have a word with him”.

You laughed at her reaction. “Stop it Jimin, I’m over him now. It’s been years since I had a crush on him.” you said.

“I don’t believe you. You can’t trick me with that. I won’t fall for it.” she said, her tone serious. “I know you dated and all, but you always compared everyone to Donghyuck. You expect me to believe that you moved on?”

You rolled your eyes and sighed. “Whatever” you said.

The two of you paused for a moment before Jimin spoke up. “Do you think he got even hotter?”

You laughed at her comment and playfully slapped her forearm. “Stop it Jimin!”. She was now laughing too. “I don’t know, okay? He might be.” you said.

“Do you want to see him?” Jimin asked you and your eyes shifted down to your lap.

You seriously didn’t know. A part of you wanted to see him, talk to him, hug him and feel him again, ask him about his life and interests, spend time with him. But a part of you was scared; scared that if you saw him, you would fall in love with him again.

“My guess is that you do. Come on, I missed him a bit too” Jimin said and you chuckled. “Now, how about we get you some coffee and you tell me about your day, hm?” Jimin asked and you nodded in agreement.

The next day Yangyang insisted on picking you up from your dorm and driving you to your classes. He felt bad he missed the first day of the semester so he decided to make up for standing you up by driving you to class. You grabbed your phone to text him and let him know that you were ready but he beat you to it. He was already parked outside the dorm complex waiting for you in his car.

You opened the door from the passenger’s side and got inside the car. “Hey” you greeted him and he did the same, flashing you his signature wide grin.

“Don’t make plans for later. We’re going out tonight. You, me and Donghyuck” he said after he turned on the engine.

The mention of this specific name took you aback. You muttered a small “okay” and you hoped he heard you the first time so you wouldn’t have to repeat it. “Should I tell Jimin to tag along? She said she would like to hang out all together too” you asked.

Yangyang shrugged. “Yeah sure, I haven’t seen her in a while. Hyuck would love to see her too” he said.

You thanked him for agreeing to invite Jimin and smiled at him. But you couldn’t ignore the clenching feeling that appeared again in your stomach.

Your thoughts carried you away and you didn’t realize you had already arrived at campus. Yangyang parked the car and both of you exited it. You exchanged a short conversation of “see you later” and “text me for any news” and went to your respective classes.

The day went by in a flash. It was already afternoon and you were in your dorm with Jimin, your closet wide open, clothes scattered all over the bed.

You let out a frustrated sigh. “I officially don’t have any clothes” you whined.

“No, you do,” Jimin said, “you’re just nervous. And I don’t even know the reason why, I thought you were over Donghyuck, right?”

“Jimin please, you’re making this even harder!” you whined again.

Jimin got up from the chair and stood in front of your closet. She searched through the racks and the drawers for a while until she stopped and put an outfit on your bed. “Here,” she said, “get dressed. And do it quickly. We’re gonna be late”.

You complied and took the clothes to get dressed. It’s just a meet up with old friends. Nothing to be stressed about. You didn’t have a crush on Donghyuck anymore either. You were probably nervous, or rather excited, because you hadn’t seen him in a long time. Yeah, that’s probably why.

You were supposed to meet Yangyang and Donghyuck at the local diner. Yangyang promised to be there earlier so that you and Jimin wouldn’t have to be the ones to wait for them. You weren’t sure whether you should believe him or not; every time he promises to be early, there’s only gonna appear something on his way to make him late.

Jimin offered to drive the two of you to the diner that you were supposed to meet your friends at. You’ve been to this diner before, you’re going out with your best friends, just a normal night out. But why is your heart beating so hard? Why does it feel like it’s about to rip your chest apart and fly out of your body?

Jimin parked the car in the diner’s parking lot. You spotted Yangyang’s car in the parking lot too, two figures standing beside it. It must be them. It must be him.

“Hello? Are you listening to me?” Jimin waved her hand in front of your face and you quickly snapped out of your thoughts. “I see them, let’s go” she said and exited the car.

You imitate her movements and get out of the car too. Jimin noticed your uneasiness, so she linked her arm with yours and walked with you towards the boys.

Yangyang and Donghyuck seemed to have a conversation about something and didn’t realize you were right there, standing in front of them. “We’re here” Jimin spoke up and the two boys turned their bodies to look at us.

Your gaze immediately fell on the boy that made your heart beat and break at the same time. Black leather jacket hanging from his shoulders, black skinny jeans and boots covering his long legs, comma-styled black hair exposing his forehead. You locked eyes with him, his chocolate ones piercing through yours, plump lips sliding upwards to a wide smile. You swear you saw sparkles in his eyes for a second. Only your heart knew the answer.

“Y/n” Donghyuck breathed out and you returned his smile, before you threw yourself on him and embraced him tightly.

He started laughing. “I missed you so much” he said in your ear and you were thankful he wasn’t able to see your face because your cheeks were almost on fire. “Cute, but I wish I could say the same bitch-ass” you laughed too.

“Oh shut up, you haven’t seen me in years and this is the treatment I get?”.Of course he clapped back. Typical Donghyuck. And right there and then, it felt as if not a single day had passed.

You hugged him tightly. You forgot how comfortable he felt. He had rested his chin in the crook of your neck and you stood on the tips of your toes to do the same. He had definitely grown a bit taller since the last time you saw him. You took a moment to remember his scent, to feel his touch, to hear his voice. And then the clenching feeling was there again.

Yangyang cleared his throat. “Um, we’re here too, you know” he trailed off. You and Donghyuck broke the hug and Donghyuck motioned Yangyang and Jimin to join you in a group hug. Your cheekbones hurt because you were smiling so hard. Your heart fluttered. You were happy.

Yangyang was the first one to break off the hug because he started whining and said he was hungry, so he went inside the diner and invited us in. Donghyuck followed shortly after him, leaving you and Jimin behind. Jimin turned at you and mouthed “girl he’s so hot” and went inside the diner. Typical Jimin, you thought.

Time seemed to have stopped and felt like you were trapped in a loop. Spending time with your favorite people, laughing, talking, reminiscing about the past while making plans for the future. You only stopped the conversations when you had to take a bite from your food or take a sip from your drink. Yangyang didn’t seem to be bothered by that though.

“So,” Donghyuck started and you shifted your gaze to your drink “are you still dating that guy Y/n?”

Oh he was talking to you. You looked up at him, confused. “Who? Dejun? Well, no, we broke up, like, so long ago” you said.

“Yeah he yeeted his way out to be a model in China or something, honestly who even cares? I almost forgot about him” Yangyang said after he emptied his glass of beer.

Donghyuck chuckled at Yangyang’s remark and went back to eating his food. Jimin kicked you under the table and when you looked at her side, she was smirking.

“Well Yangyang, how about you tell us about your relationship, hm?” you asked him and he choked on his food. He started coughing and Donghyuck patted him on his back to help him breathe.

“Let's not talk about it bestie, okay? I know I fucked up” he said after he caught his breath.

“Why what happened? Donghyuck asked, intrigued.

Jimin was the one who spoke this time. “He's supposed to be dating this girl but he never texts her, calls her or takes her out. Basically he never wants to spend time with her. I seriously don’t know why she hasn’t broken up with him yet”.

Yangyang lowered his eyes. “It’s not like I don’t wanna see her,” he muttered, “but I may or may not have lost feelings and I kinda don’t know how to tell her”.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a coward you would confront her and stop playing with her. It’s that easy you know. Whether you love or don’t love someone anymore, you should tell them before it’s too late” you told him.

“Sounds brave coming from you, Y/n” his response caught you off guard. You threw a piercing glare at him and before you opened your mouth to speak, Jimin spoke over you. “Maybe we should change the topic, what do you think?” she said.

You and Yangyang exchanged a look and focused your attention on your food. Donghyuck chuckled at the interaction between you and your best friend, but he didn’t say anything.

The rest of the night went on smoothly and you soon forgot about the tension between you and Yangyang from earlier. He was right though. You should consider your own advice sometimes. Why can’t you tell Donghyuck you like him? Why didn’t you tell him when you had the chance to do so? Your feelings for him began to resurface and it was just the first time you saw him after years. You couldn’t let yourself make the same mistake again.

The entire night you and Donghyuck kept throwing hidden glances at each other. You caught him staring at you multiple times and if you were honest with yourself, you did stare at him too. You couldn’t ignore the fact that he looked beautiful. He had always been beautiful.

Your mind, however, was focused on something else, something you wanted to have an answer to. Why did he stop reaching out for you when he left? You needed to know the reason why. He must have had a reason. You tried to push this thought aside and allowed yourself to have a good time. I’ll ask him another time, you thought.

You were fifteen years old when you had your first kiss. And it was none other than Lee Donghyuck himself who stole it from you. Part of you believed that the reason you were so attached to him even now was because of that day; he gave you your first kiss. But a part of you knew that the kiss was the incident that tied everything together.

Donghyuck announced one day that the company his parents worked in was moving their main offices to a different town, so they had to move away from this place. The same day, you announced to your friend Jimin that you had your first heartbreak. Of course you were going to miss him. A lot. Yangyang was sad too that day. Jimin didn’t know him well enough, but she still felt sad when Donghyuck told you all.

The day before Donghyuck and his family would move away, Yangyang had an idea; to throw a goodbye party for Donghyuck. Donghyuck disagreed and said that a normal hangout with all of us would be just fine, but Yangyang insisted on throwing a party at his place. It will still be just the four of us but a little bit fancier, he had said.

So eventually everyone agreed. The previous day, you and Yangyang went to the shops to buy snacks and some decorations. You were walking around the convenience store aisles when Yangyang finally admitted to his ulterior motives.

“So, Y/n, here’s what we’re gonna do. For the party. I think we should play games but in a more adult way, if you know what I mean” he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows.

You looked at him confused and urged him to continue. “So we’ll play spin the bottle. And before you protest, no we’re not gonna drink anything with alcohol in it because we’re gonna get caught, but it’s gonna be a good excuse for me to kiss Jimin and for you to kiss Donghyuck”.

You stopped walking with a bag of chips in your hands and turned to him. “Are you out of your mind? This cannot happen, ever!” you whisper-shouted at him.

“Oh come on Y/n, don’t be such a party pooper. We both win in the end so what’s the matter?” he whined.

You thought for a few seconds. “They might be uncomfortable and turn down your offer. We want to have fun, remember? Plus, I don’t think Jimin likes you back and Donghyuck certainly doesn’t like me back either” you said and put that bag of chips you were holding into the shopping cart.

“Okay, Jimin might not like me back but I am completely, utterly, absolutely sure that Hyuck likes you” Yangyang said but you ignored him.

As if the odds were against you that day, Jimin and Donghyuck agreed on Yangyang’s suggestion. Jimin wasn’t that fond of the idea of playing spin the bottle at first, but eventually the boys convinced her and she said yes. You had no other choice but to agree too.

You wanted to kiss Donghyuck. You really did. But not in a forced scenario and definitely not in front of Yangyang. You wouldn’t bear his annoying ass teasing you about it for the rest of your life. But this could be my chance to finally confess to him, you thought. But even if you did, nothing would change. He would still leave town the next morning.

Yangyang grabbed the glass of cola you emptied earlier and put it on the ground. You gathered up sitting on the ground too. You looked at Jimin and she smiled at you. “Don’t think about it too much Y/n, it’s just a game”. It wasn’t just a game to you.

Yangyang was the first one to spin the bottle. The empty cola bottle spun for a few seconds, four sets of eyes staring at it with laser rays coming out of them. The bottle started gradually spinning less quickly, until it took three, two, one seconds before it stopped and became still; the top part of the bottle was pointing at Jimin and the bottom part was at Yangyang’s side. “Oh my god Jimin has to kiss you bro” Donghyuck said, smiling.

“This game is bullshit, I don’t wanna do it” Jimin said and crossed her arms. Jimin’s words made Yangyang’s lips drop down to a frown.

“Come on Jimin, it’s just a game, you said it yourself” Donghyuck said. Jimin sighed and leaned towards Yangyang. “Fine, come here then you bitch” she said before she grabbed Yangyan’s jaw and kissed him on the lips. You and Donghyuck stayed still, watching them. Jimin only went in to peck Yangyang, but he went all the way in and kissed her properly. Jimin was quick to react and pulled away from him.. “Ew, don’t do that! We agreed on just a kiss not a full on makeout session. Jeez Yangyang” she said and sat back down at her side.

Yangyang tried to hide the sulk on his face. “I tried to taste your chapstick more, you bitch, but it turns out it tastes awful. What the fuck is this taste?” Yangyang said and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

“It's vanilla” Jimin said. Yangyang loved vanilla.

The game continued for a couple of rounds and every single time, as if it was its fate, the bottle landed on Jimin and Yangyang. Jimin had already had enough with kissing Yangyang just once, so she suggested that they avoid the kissing part and just hug instead. This went on and on and on until the bottle spun again, going round and round and round until it stopped in three, two, one. But this time, the bottle’s ends were pointing towards two different directions. The bottom part on you, the top part on Donghyuck.

You gulped and looked at him. He seemed calm, relaxed. For him, it was just a game. Sitting there at that moment, looking right into his deep brown eyes, you regretted agreeing to play this game. And you made a mental note to slap Yangyang after all of this was over.

“Now this is getting interesting” Yangyang whispered just loud enough for you to hear him and went over to Jimin's side to sit beside her and watch.

Donghyuck licked his lips and leaned over towards you. You hoped he wouldn't be able to listen to the drumming sounds of your heart or see the embarrassingly vibrant red color on your cheeks. You just went along with it. It’s just a game, right?

Donghyuck was standing a bit too close to you, probably the closest the two of you have been physically. Or rather, the most intimate you’ve been together. He lowered his head to meet your eye level, and came closer to your face just enough so that his lips were grazing over your ear. “Don’t be nervous, it’s just for fun” he whispered to you. Suddenly, this wasn’t just fun anymore.

Donghyuck pulled away from your ear and was now staring deep into your eyes, his face almost attached to yours. He looked at you for a couple of seconds before he gave you a reassuring nod. You didn’t have the energy to say anything, so you gave him a nod too, signaling him that you were fine.

Before you could even process what was about to happen, Donghyuck leaned in and kissed you. Plump lips captured yours in a soft dancing motion, their taste perfectly resembling a mix of the pizza and cola he had earlier. Shock waves run throughout your entire body, as he moved his hand to the back of your neck to support you.

You allowed yourself to fall entirely into him, eyes closed and lips moving along the rhythm he created. A few seconds felt like hours, his homely yet unfamiliar touch making your stomach clench and your face heat up in love.

And then he stopped. Donghyuck pulled back and flashed the brightest smile you had ever seen painted on his beautiful face. He licked his lips and you laughed awkwardly, looking down at your lap to avoid his piercing gaze. Your heart was still beating rapidly. You could taste his lips on your lips, you could feel the touch of his hand in the back of your neck, you could hear the sound of his beating heart, you could sense his cool breath fanning your burning face. Donghyuck had stopped kissing you, but the sensation of his kiss was still present in your entire body. You just had your first kiss, and at the same time, you had your first kiss with Donghyuck.

“Gosh you were kissing for ages. Like, get a room, or something” Yangyang said and went back to sit on the side of the room he was previously sitting in. Jimin threw you a playful wink secretly from the boys. You knew what it meant. We need to talk later type of wink.

It was getting late and Donghyuck’s parents called him to go back home. He needed to leave sooner than the rest of you because he still hadn’t packed all of his things. You greeted him one last time before he walked out the door to leave.

As the door closed, you felt your heart sink down the deepest ocean, a piece of it shattering, tears welling up in the corners of your eyes, dryness in your throat. You missed him already. It had been just a couple of seconds since he walked out the door and your heart to go out that door with him too.

A tear streamed down your cheek.So this was it. A second tear followed shortly after the first one. Then another one. And another one. Soon enough a pool of tears was running down your face and it hadn’t occurred to you that you were going to miss him that much.

But as if a lightning bolt struck you, you quickly wiped your tears with the palm of your hands, stormed out the door and ran after Donghyuck.

“Donghyuck!” you yelled and he stopped to look back at you. You were lucky he heard your voice, he hadn’t walked that far though, you were quick to react and follow after him, just so you could spend some more time with him. You and him. “Do you mind if I walk you home?” you asked him and he nodded.

You skipped a bit so that you could walk beside him. You started walking alongside Donghyuck, taking a few seconds to catch your breath until it came back to its normal rate. “So, when are we gonna see you again?” you asked him. He left a low chuckle and shook his head.

“I honestly don’t know, Y/n” he said. Another piece of your heart shattered.

Donghyuck noticed your saddened expression and took your hand in his. "Hey, look at me” he said. You stopped and turned towards him, taking in the details of his face. His chocolate eyes were gleaming under the moonlight, the moles on his dark cheek reminded you of the stars in the night sky.

“I will not forget you. Ever. Always remember that. I will try my best to call you as much as I can, all of you. You guys are my best friends, I could never leave you. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, it won’t be that easy for me to visit you often. but I promise to make up for all the time that we will lose. Especially for you. But I can’t be sure when that will be.”

A tear slipped down your cheek again and he wiped it away with his thumb. Why is he being like this all of a sudden?

Your voice wasn’t strong enough at that moment for you to speak, so you opened your arms to embrace him instead. And he hugged you back so tightly you thought your body would be merged with his. He buried his head at the crook of your neck and you stayed there for a while, feeling the presence of your bodies on each other. Not a single word was said, yet you felt so comfortable and safe in his arms.

That night you had helped him pack his things. You stayed in his room afterwards, talking, laughing, crying. God you were going to miss him. That day, you thought for the first time ever that maybe your feelings were reciprocated. But he said nothing about it. So you didn’t say anything either.

But you wanted to. It felt like all the words were stuck in your throat and there was something blocking them from coming out. I like you Donghyuck, I like you a lot. It was that easy. But for some reason, you couldn’t say it out loud. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe you were too scared of rejection. Or maybe you were afraid of losing a friend.

You and Donghyuck were sitting at the stairs of his porch, next to each other, facing the stars of the night sky. You didn’t want to go home. You couldn’t. You wanted to stay there longer, kiss him again, talk to him about anything and then kiss him again.

When you stood up to leave, he hugged you one last time, stroking your hair lightly. He spoke in a low voice in your ear. “I’ll be back. Don’t forget me”.

How could I ever forget you Donghyuck?

The day after you met Donghyuck at the diner, he texted you and asked to hang out later after your classes. You would be lying to yourself if you said that you didn’t screech like a schoolgirl the moment you saw his text message on your phone when you woke up.

Of course you agreed to meet him. At that moment, you didn’t feel nervous, at all, but as time passed your stomach was clenching more and more.

Jimin wouldn’t stop nudging you about it the entire day. She wanted to meet up for lunch because she was dying to talk about this ever since you came back home last night. “The first thing he did in the morning was to ask you to hang out later? Yeah, sounds like a date to me” she said.

You rolled your eyes at her. “It's not a date, drop it. He just wants us to hang out, that’s it” you said.

“Are you sure that you want to just hang out though?” she asked you.

You thought for a second. “Well, no, but I won't try to do anything more than that” you said.

“Whatever,” Jimin said “you have to tell him sometime though, you know that right? And you also have to admit to yourself that you never really got over him, so now that he’s here you have to make your move. You had your chance once and you lost it. So don’t lose it again now”.

You sighed. “What if he doesn’t feel the same” you said.

“Who gives a fuck?” Jimin said “If he doesn’t feel the same, you will close this chapter and begin a new one. There are other fish in the sea too, you know”

Yeah but it’s not the same, you whispered to yourself. Jimin didn’t hear you.

As soon as you came back to your dorm, you went straight to searching through your closet for an outfit to wear later, when your phone chimed.

[Hyuck]

meet me at the park in about hour

[Hyuck]

bring your bike too

You were staring at your phone screen until it turned off. Oh he’s such a little bitch, you thought.

You put on comfortable clothes and running shoes, and decided to ride your bike on the way to the park. The sun was beginning to set; orange and pink hues painted the sky, a light chilly breeze combing through your hair. The park was still lively, little kids were playing with each other, old couples were going for walks, some students were studying under the trees.

You hadn’t been to the park since the day Donghyuck left. Yangyang wanted to go skating there from time to time, but every time he asked you to keep him company, you turned down his offer. Then, he started filling his time with dating girls and you started spending more time with Jimin, so the park wasn’t your go-to place to hang out anymore.

You saw Donghyuck leaning against a tree, foot resting on top of the bike’s pedal, same black leather jacket as the day before, a bucket hat hiding his pretty features. He was scrolling through his phone as you approached him.

“Hey” you said and his head shot up, turning off his phone and placing it in his pocket. “Y/n, hi” he said and smiled. You smiled back at him. He looked beautiful when he smiled.

“So, you still like the park, I see” you said. He nodded and hopped on his bike. “I do. So come on, let’s go for a ride. I think we have to catch up on a lot of things. And I promised to make up for all the time we lost. So, let’s go” he said and started riding his bike.

You followed shortly after him until you were now biking beside him. So he does remember his promise, you thought. You smiled to yourself and pushed your thoughts to the back of your mind. You wanted to enjoy your time with him, just like the old times.

You spent hours biking and talking about anything. Donghyuck told you stories from his high school years, the friends he met on the way, how he changed his college major and decided to come back here to study computer engineering.

“A part of me wanted this change because I missed this town, you know? I have so many memories here, I was kinda attached to this place. All I needed was a valid reason to come back, and I found one, so here I am.” he said.

You couldn’t help but bring the same questions to your mind, so you gathered all of your strength and asked him. “Then why didn’t you visit us at all? Or even call us back? You did at first and then you stopped. Why?”

Donghyuck pulled the breaks of his bike and rested his feet on the ground to stop the bike from moving. You mimicked his actions and stood there searching his features for an answer. He cleared his throat and turned to look at you. You couldn’t see his face clearly because the bucket hat was casting a shadow over his features.

“Honestly, I don’t really know. I didn’t want to stop contacting you, but I don’t know why I did it.” He paused for a few moments. He drew in a breath and started again. “You know what, I think I know, but I can’t tell you now. Maybe some other time, okay?” he said.

You were left confused, but decided not to question him any further. Instead, you nodded and smiled at him. He would tell you when he was ready to do so.

The sky was getting darker and darker and both your stomachs growled in hunger. Donghyuck suggested that you buy takeout and sit under at the park to stargaze. You left your bikes leaning against a random tree and put your jackets on the ground to sit on them.

The sky looked beautiful. The stars and the moon were shining brightly, contrasting with the pitch black background of the sky. Donghyuck was staring at the sky when he spoke up “I remember how much you liked watching the sky when you were younger. You were always watching the stars closely and we made bets on which one would fall first.”

You chuckled at the memory. “And you always lost. Every. Single. Time. Seriously, you have no intuition at all. You had won one time and bragged about it forever” you said and he laughed.

He turned his head to face you. He had taken off his hat too, his black hair was falling over his eyes. “You were just lucky all the other times. Don’t flatter yourself” he said.

You sat there and ate your food in silence. Comfortable silence. The only sound that was heard was the singing of the cicadas in the trees and occasionally your munching on the food.

Everything felt at ease again. You and Donghyuck, sitting beside each other, enjoying each other’s company, not having to utter a single word. You were smiling at yourself, it really felt as if not a single day had passed.

Donghyuck looked back at the sky and took a sip from his drink before he addressed you. “You really improved. Biking, I mean. I remember you were still struggling when I left” he said.

“Thanks, I still rode my bike to school so that I could get used to it more. Thank you for teaching me by the way. I don’t think I ever thanked you properly” you said.

“It's no problem” he said and sipped from his drink again.

He opened his mouth to speak again, changing the subject now. “So, why did you break up with that guy? Dejun, was it?” he asked.

Why is he so curious about that? “Oh, there were many reasons actually. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was really cool and I liked him a lot. It’s just that we got kinda bored of each other, I guess? And he also graduated from high school a year earlier than me so then he had to go back to China for college.”

Donghyuck nodded. “I see” he paused and asked again. “How was he like?”

“Why do you even bother so much? He is old news now, anyway” you said. But now you were curious about Donghyuck too. “Tell me about you, did you date anyone in high school?”

You don’t know why but you got anxious waiting for his answer. He shrugged. “Yeah but nothing serious. Just casual things, you know?” he said and you hummed in agreement.

The night went on and you talked more. You and Donghyuck agreed to hang out at the park every day after your classes, like you used to. That’s what he suggested. You couldn’t say no; of course you wanted to spend time with him.

And that’s what you did. You grew closer again, maybe even closer than you used to be. You enjoyed biking and stargazing in the park a lot. It had become your thing; an activity that the two of you shared with each other, an excuse to get away from everyone and everything and make up for all the memories you could have had.

There were quite a few moments when you wanted to look Donghyuck in the eyes and tell him I like you dumbass. But every single time you backed away from doing it. You were too scared that these harmless words would end up destroying everything you had built with him.

So you waited. You waited for the right time to bring it up. You were having the time of your life alongside a dear person that you’ve loved and appreciated your entire life. You were not ready to take the risk and possibly lose him. So you never said a word. Because he didn’t say any words either.

“Why does Donghyuck keep asking me about Dejun? What is so interesting about him? If he wants to find out more about him, he should be the one to date him” the frustration in your voice made a couple of people turn their heads from the tables next to yours.

Jimin took a fork bite of her carrot cake. “Girl, you must be joking” she said, munching on the piece of cake. “He asks about him because, guess what, he is jealous! J-e-a-l-o-u-s. Got it? Why are you so stupid, gosh! The man has clearly fallen for you and you are so oblivious of it!”.

“I mean why would he be jealous? Dejun and I broke up so long ago” you muttered to yourself.

Jimin heard that and, obviously, she wouldn’t leave it at that. “This is what happens when you like someone. Donghyuck keeps asking you about your ex boyfriend because he wants to make sure he’s in the clear to make a move.”

You sighed. “Is this why you keep asking Yangyang if he broke up with his girlfriend? Look, Jimin, I love you, but I don’t think Hyuck likes me. As a friend, yes. But nothing more than that.”

Jimin gulped down a glass full of water. “Okay, whatever floats your boat, Y/n” she said and took another fork bite of her cake. “So, did Yangyang tell you? A frat guy he knows is hosting a party this weekend, wanna go?” she asked you.

“Come on Jiminie, you know I don’t really do parties” you whined.

Jimin rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t expecting a different answer. But we’re definitely going. There’s gonna be hot boys, good music and lots of alcohol. I heard Donghyuck is going too”.

“Well, he didn’t mention any party” you defended him. “He didn’t mention any party yet” Jimin corrected you. “He's gonna bring it up any second. I bet you can’t say no to him, you care too much about his feelings but you never care about mine” Jimin sulked.

You mentally slapped her only because you couldn’t bear to slap her for real. “I will go to the party because you want us to go, not because Donghyuck will supposedly be there. You know I always come along with you in everything. We come as a package, remember? Now, don’t sulk and eat your cake, we have to think about our outfits” you said. She was your best friend after all, it was the least you could do.

Jimin’s face lit up and her lips curved upwards, stretching all the way to her ears. Before she could open her mouth to speak, you cut her off. “But you have to promise me that you won’t get drunk, okay?” you said and lifted your pinky.

She linked her pinky finger with yours and nodded in agreement. “I don’t exactly promise it, but I’ll try my best” she said.

Donghyuck indeed mentioned the party later that day when you went out at the park with him. “I don’t really wanna go either Y/n, but all my friends are gonna be there. And now that you’re gonna be there too, I can’t be the only one missing out from all the fun” he said.

Donghyuck has had his fun share with parties during high school. He told you so one night at the park. He would sneak out the house and go to parties during weekends, but one night, or rather morning, he went home super drunk and threw up all over the front door rug. He claimed that this happened because of a dare his friends made him do and that he didn’t intend to drink as much as he did. After that, he avoided parties like the plague. It’s not that his parents never allowed him to go again; he could easily sneak out his window. He was smart enough to realize that parties were simply not good for him.

“I wanted to fit in with them, you know?” Donghyuck said “I got used to it eventually and I actually kinda liked it, but now I don’t really enjoy such things”.

That’s one of the many reasons you liked Donghyuck so much. His honesty. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind about things that bothered him, or simply voice out his thoughts. So why wasn’t he doing it with his feelings too? Was it so hard for him too? Did he actually like you, like Jimin said? Or maybe you just wanted to believe that he did. If he really did, he would probably have said it by now.

But his actions spoke louder than his words. You couldn’t help but think about the way he looked at you under the night sky when you were staring at the stars but he was staring back at you. Or when he wiped your strawberry milk stains from the corners of your lips and his fingers stayed there brushing your lips a little longer than they should be. Or when he held you close to him among big crowds so that he wouldn’t lose you from his sight. Or when he would let you rest your head on his chest while he was stroking your hair so that you could fall asleep faster.

You swear you had heard him whisper something to you once, but when you asked him to repeat it he waved it off. Were you that desperate for his attention? Maybe. But maybe both of you were fools, afraid to let their heart be free because of the painful possibility that it might break.

You and Jimin were standing in front of the frat house door, the loud music blasting through the speakers behind the wall created a throbbing base sound in your ears, your heart beat in sync with the beat of the song that was playing from inside that house.

“Do we knock or...” Jimin trailed off before the door slid wide open and a tipsy young man stood by it. “Welcome ladies, come on in” he said. You and Jimin looked at each other for confirmation before hesitantly taking a step forward. The young man stepped aside so that you could get through the door.

The place was dark, the only source of light being the neon special effects lighting coming from the DJ set. The rooms were packed with people, some of them already drunk, some of them dancing all over each other, the mixed odor of sweat, alcohol and weed making you dizzy. At that exact moment you reminded yourself that this was why you didn’t like parties.

You and Jimin stood there, eyes wandering all over the room, trying to take in the scenery in front of you. “Damn, this is so cool” Jimin breathed out.

The guy who opened the door a few seconds ago was nowhere to be seen. A girl was walking with her sunglasses on, when she bumped into Jimin and spilled a bit of her drink on the ground, a drop of it landing on Jimin’s shoe. A “sorry” was barely audible on top of the loud music and Jimin stood there looking at her shoe in disgust.

“I guess it’s not that cool” she said and grabbed your hand. “Let’s go get ourselves some drinks.”

You walked towards the kitchen which was a bit brighter compared to the other rooms. Bottles of different types of alcohol were lined up on the kitchen counter. Juice boxes, ice and plastic red cups were placed on the kitchen table. A group of boys were refilling their cups with their alcohol of choice, while a couple was making out up against the wall next to the fridge.

Jimin’s disgusted expression from earlier appeared again. You decided to ignore your surroundings and went over to the kitchen counter to grab a drink for you and Jimin.

“Where’s Yangyang?” Jimin asked

“I honestly have no idea. He said he’d text me once he gets here, but I’m a bit surprised he didn’t arrive earlier than us. He doesn’t miss on such things” you said and Jimin nodded.

“And Donghyuck?” she asked again

You put the bottle of alcohol down and grabbed a box of grapefruit juice. You shrugged. “ No idea either.”

Jimin smirked at your answer, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she took her cup and guided you out of the kitchen towards the living room. “Come on, let’s dance” she said.

The music was blasting into your eardrums and your body caught the rhythm of the music, adjusting its muscles to move along to it. It wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. Your body was swaying to the fast-paced song that the DJ was playing when you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket.

[Hyuck]

where are you?

[Hyuck]

can’t see you

You lifted your head to look around the crowded living room in hopes of finding Donghyuck. It didn’t take you long before you could spot him among the crowd, though. You could never miss him anywhere, he always stood out in your eyes. Your gaze caught his, and his lips curved a bit when he saw you.

He tried to squeeze between the people dancing in the living room in order to get to your place. “What are you looking at?” Jimin asked you when she noticed that something bothered you.

You didn’t have time to answer her, because Donghyuck grabbed your arm to smoothly turn your body around and shift your attention to him. You felt a lump in your throat, your breath trapped inside your lungs. There he stood, messy hair falling onto his eyes, black graphic shirt and jeans, a Cuban link around his neck and matching rings on his fingers contrasting with the dark colors of his outfit. He looked gorgeous.

He flashed you a smile, raising his voice so that you could hear him. “Hi” he said. He simply said hi. Yet a group of butterflies started dancing in your stomach. You said it back.

Jimin got the message and leaned in your ear. “I think I saw some girls I know from one of my classes. I’d better leave you two” she said and turned on her heel to leave.

Donghyuck waved Jimin off and grabbed your hand. He then bent a bit lower and leaned in your ear. “Should we go somewhere quieter?” he asked you, his low voice vibrating in your ear. You could only nod.

Donghyuck walked in the front and you followed behind him, still holding his hand. He led you outside the house, towards the back yard. Plastic cups were scattered all over the grassy ground, two girls passed out beside some bushes, a guy sipping alcohol from a glass bottle and dancing on his own. Yeah, parties were weird.

You felt weirded out and uncomfortable at the sight and Donghyuck sensed it. He squeezed your hand and you looked up at him. He nodded to the large swing beside the barbecue stand and motioned you to go and sit there.

You sat down on the swing and Donghyuck copied your movement. He leaned his body towards the back so that it touched the back of the swing and with a swift motion, he pushed his feet on the ground and the swing started moving. You lifted your feet off the ground and let Donghyuck rock the swing smoothly.

You sat in silence for a moment, that comfortable silence that only existed when you were with Donghyuck, which was interrupted by his honey voice. “I don’t like parties” he simply said.

You turned to look at him but he was staring into the void in front of him. “ I have bad memories when it comes to parties” he said.

You didn’t speak. You didn’t want to. You always let him open up to you without interrupting his stream of thoughts.

Donghyuck drew in a sharp breath. “Remember that story I told you about that party? That one when I went home the next day and threw up all over the door? Yeah that one. I couldn’t bear going to something like this again when the last time I did, I didn’t even do it for myself. Did you know that I started drinking so that kids at my new school thought I was cool? That’s how I ended up spilling my guts all over my mother’s rug.”

He turned to look at you. “Pretty disgusting, huh?” he chuckled.

You chuckled too. You lowered your gaze to your feet. “Then why did you come here tonight?” you asked him.

“I don’t know” he said without even thinking about his answer. “I guess I came for my friends again.“ He paused for a second and spoke again “And I guess I also came to see you, mostly” he trailed off.

You stilled at his words and you thanked yourself for staring at your shoes and not looking at him, because he would be able to see the embarrassingly bright red color of your cheeks.

“But you see me everyday. We hang out all the time” you said.

“I know” he said. That’s all he said. What was that even supposed to mean?

Before you could speak, Donghyuck got up from the swing and extended his arm in front of you. “Come on, let's get out of here. This party sucks, we both hate it, so why waste our time? Let’s leave. Me and you.” he said.

You looked up at him. “Hyuck,” you trailed off “as much as I hate this party and as much as I want to leave with you, I promised Jimin to keep her company” you really hated that you had to say this.

“Jimin has found other people to hang out with, she’ll be fine, I know it.” Donghyuck said, a glimpse of hope in the tone of his voice.

That glimpse vanished when you rejected his offer for the second time, the corners of his mouth dropping to a frown. “I’m sorry Hyuck, I can’t” you said.

Donghyuck nodded to himself and put his hands inside his pockets. He cleared his throat but his voice still came out a bit raspy and low. “It’s okay, I get it.”

Your heart shuttered upon seeing him like this. You really didn’t want to make him feel bad, but you had also promised Jimin to be there for her since she wanted this so much. And you couldn’t let yourself break that promise, even though it was actually a bit trivial. Because in all honesty, Jimin would really be fine.

But also a small part of you was too flustered to spend time alone with Donghyuck at that moment. You felt as if you weren’t capable of controlling your emotions; your feelings kept growing stronger and stronger, and his presence alone was enough to make you feel overwhelmed with love.

The back door opened and someone came running through it. “Donghyuck, dude!” a guy you didn’t quite recognize yelled and came to grab Donghyuck by his arm. “You’re missing out on all the fuuuun my dude, come in back insideeee we’re gonna get fucking wasted!” the guy was yelling and patting Donghyuck on the back of his neck while dragging him inside the frat house.

Donghyuck said something you didn’t quite catch, and he tried to let go of the guy’s hold on him, but he failed to do so. The guy had already taken him to the back door and inside the house.

The door closed shut behind them and you left sitting on the swing by yourself, rocking it slightly with your feet. You shivered under the cool evening breeze and wrapped your arms around your body to shield yourself from the cold.

You didn’t want to go back inside. You promised Jimin to keep her company, but a frat party was the last place you wanted to be at, at that time. You grabbed your phone and, speaking of the devil, a few texts from Jimin appeared on your screen.

[Jiminie]

spotted yangyang. pretty sure he took a girl to a room

[Jiminie]

doesn’t he a gf?

You sighed reading Jimin’s texts. You really had to have a talk with Yangyang. And Jimin, for that matter. At least you knew that he was safe and that you probably won’t have to take care of him like a baby after you leave the party.

[you]

let him be, we’ll kick his ass tomorrow

[you]

where are you?

The text you wrote was delivered for the next 15 minutes. Jimin hadn’t read your message. All of a sudden, your hands became sweaty and your chest felt heavy as if a rock had fallen onto it.

Why didn’t she text me back?

Worry started welling up inside you and you rushed inside the house looking for your best friend. The music had got louder, the crowd was bigger, the smell of alcohol and weed more prominent. You went running up and down the stairs, kicking open every single door you found on your way.

Still, Jimin was nowhere to be found.

You stood at the edge of the stairway for a second to catch your breath. You opened your phone to call her and started walking towards the bathroom, the last room you didn’t check.

The phone was beeping in your ear, but Jimin didn’t pick up. You exhaled sharply and opened the bathroom door, still holding the phone in your ear. The sweat on your palms and the rock on your chest magically disappeared when you saw Jimin kneeling in front of the toilet with an arm holding her hair back out of her face.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips and you stopped the phone call. “Thank god you’re safe. I was so freaked out you bitch” you said and crouched down beside her. “Are you okay?” you asked her.

Jimin nodded and let her hair fall down her shoulders. She wiped her lips with the back of her palm before she spoke. “I’m okay. I had a bit too much alcohol and I threw up. But I feel better now. Sorry for making you worried” she said.

You opened your arms and she fell into your embrace. You stroked her head lightly, as you could feel her warm tears wetting the fabric of your shirt on your shoulder. She promised not to drink too much, but your gut somehow knew you’d better stay there at the party because something like this would be inevitable. “It's okay Jiminie, I was the one who left you alone, I promised to keep you company” you said.

She pulled back from the hug. “I guess we both broke each other’s promise” she chuckled and you did the same.

Jimin sniffled and wiped her already dry tears. “Why are you alone? Where is Donghyuck?” she asked you.

“We were sitting outside but then a random guy came and dragged him back inside. He seemed pretty wasted” you replied.

Jimin’s eyes widened and she stood up abruptly. “Oh no, oh no no no” she said.

You stood up too. “What? Jimin, what's wrong?” you asked her curiously.

“If it's the guy I think it is, then Donghyuck might be stupid drunk right now, or even worse, under the influence. We need to find him. Now” she said and ran out the bathroom and down the stairs, skipping a couple of steps while doing so.

You followed right after her, the rock falling on your chest again. You hated parties. This was final. Things like this are unavoidable in parties, and you hated the fact that your friends had to go through shit every single time.

The music wasn’t as loud as earlier and the living room didn’t feel as crowded. Most of the people were gathered outside in the backyard, or were already passed out on the beds or the floors of the bedrooms.

You and Jimin spotted a group of people gathered in a circle in the middle of the living room. Everybody was sitting on the carpeted floor, bottles of alcohol scattered everywhere around them. You noticed that a guy was holding a blunt and kept rotating it to every person gathered in that circle. Oh no.

Their voices were mixed in with the music coming from the DJ set, so all you could see was their mouths moving without saying anything meaningful. The smoke of the blunt made the living room foggy and your lungs were struggling to work properly in between the crowded room.

The stinging sensation in your eyes caused by the smoke and flashing lights made your eyes watery and you could not tell apart any face in the crowd, except for Jimin who was standing next to you.

“What the fuck is going on in here?” Jimin whispered.

You rubbed your eyes in order to clear your vision without even caring if this would ruin your makeup. The faces on the people sitting on the floor became clearer, and it didn’t take you long before you spotted the familiar chocolate eyes looking drowsy, honey fingers placing the blunt in between soft plump lips.

A girl passed Donghyuck the blunt and he took a long and slow drag from it, exhaling the smoke into the thick air creating smoke rings. He then gave the blunt to the person next to him and he leaned back supporting his body with his elbows.

Donghyuck was wasted. Whatever that guy did to him in such a little time got to him immediately. His chocolate eyes were drowned in a pool of red, his hair looking messier than before and his clothes were all wrinkled.

You stood there frozen looking at him. If you had tried to keep him away from that guy, he wouldn’t have ended up in this situation. He had told you that he was pressured by other people to do stuff he didn’t want to do, but was he that naive to let this happen to himself once again? How many times has that even happened before?

Your thoughts had carried you away, your vision was blurry again and your ears had blocked away all the sounds. An arm slung around your shoulders and you jolted up at the sudden touch.

“Where have you been bestie? You came rrright at the perfect time. We’re playing spin the bottle” Yangnyang said drowsily, his eyes painted in the same red shade as Donghyuck’s.

“Oh you’re here too, come on, sit down” he said to Jimin and dragged us both to the circle on the floor. He used both his arms and his full force to sit us down next to each other, and then he got up to sit across from us where he was previously sitting.

The girl to your left offered you the blunt but you rejected it without a second thought. Everyone was either stupid high or stupid drunk, some of them were both. You were suffocating. You felt like a total stranger there, even the existence of your own body was making you anxious.

You turned to Jimin on your right. “We need to go home” you mouthed and she kept nodding to herself constantly.

Your eyes roamed around the small circle, trying to find a way to get up and leave. But before you could do that, the chocolate pair of eyes that was now drowned in deep red, locked in with yours. A sense of déjà vu ran through your entire body, shivering under his gaze. This cannot happen again.

Jimin took your hand in hers and squeezed it tightly. She was uncomfortable and so were you. You tried to get up and leave, but the girl next to you dragged you back down.

A guy gulped down an entire bottle of alcohol before he put it down in the middle of the circle. You didn’t even bother to look at what type of alcohol it was.

Yangyang moved in closer to the middle and grabbed the bottle. “Alright, I'll go first!” he shouted and with a swift motion, he spun the bottle fast.

The bottle was spinning at a rapid speed until it came to a stop, its two ends pointing on two people you didn’t know. Apparently, you were the only one who didn’t know them because everyone else was super excited for their kiss. Or at least they were too high to understand what they were doing.

The bottle spun again. And again. And again. You lost count of how many rounds you were in, the same way your eyes were lost in Donghyuck’s. You kept him under your gaze, watching his every move and trying to justify the way he was acting. You had never seen him like this, so out of himself. What happened to the boy you saw a couple hours ago? The boy you knew ever since you were five? It felt as if he had almost lost whatever it was that made him different from the others. Right now, he looked like every other frat boy in that house.

But he didn’t really look at you. In fact, his mind seemed to be roaming around, not really paying attention to any of his surroundings except for when someone would pass him the blunt.

The bottle kept spinning and almost everyone had kissed someone else at this point. Yangyang took his fair share of the game as he kept on kissing a different girl in almost every single round.

Jimin squeezed your hand again and you realized how uncomfortable she might have felt. This time, you wouldn’t let any of the others stop you from leaving. Your friend wasn’t feeling well, but so were you. So you let go of Jimin’s hand and stood up, ready to leave.

As if fate was against you, you heard a burst of cheers and whistles coming from everyone gathered in the room. You regretted not leaving sooner, because the one end of the bottle was pointing at your side. And the other end was pointing at Donghyuck.

Cold sweat ran down your temples and a tight knot appeared in your stomach. This can’t be. You froze there standing still, staring at the bottle on your feet. You lifted your gaze from your feet to meet Donghyuck’s, who was staring back at you with a smug expression painting his face. From the corner of your eye, you could spot Yangyang grinning like a madman, his entire dentition on full display.

As if he did it on purpose, Donghyuck took a long drag of the blunt before standing up too so that his eyes leveled yours. The smugness on his face never left his features, his drowsy red eyes pouring into yours.

He slowly walked towards you, stopping right in front of your standing figure. His face was now way too close to yours. You could smell the alcohol and God knows what else on his breath, the heat of his body radiating to yours.

Donghyuck parted his lips and your breath got caught in your throat. His body somehow got even closer to yours. He tilted his head to the side and leaned against your ear. His hot breath was fanning over your ear, his lips softly grazing your skin. With a voice hoarse and low, he spoke loud enough for you to barely hear him. “Don’t worry sweetheart, we’ve done this before.”

You hadn’t even noticed which end of the bottle was pointing at you, but Donghyuck took the initiative himself and smacked his plump lips onto yours. His touch caught you off guard. You were standing there doing nothing, while Donghyuck placed both of his hands on the sides of your neck, his lips moving aggressively yet smoothly on top of yours.

You waited for him to pull away so that you could leave the party as soon as possible, but his intentions seemed to be different. He bit on your bottom lip in an attempt to part your lips so that you could kiss him back. You hated to admit it to yourself but it definitely worked. You parted your mouth just enough and moved your lips in sync with his smooth plump ones, the taste of alcohol from his lips transfering to yours.

The knot on your stomach kept on tightening more and more with each second passing. Your pulse rate had reached an infinite number of beats per minute and you were sure that your legs would not be able to hold you for much longer.

As if Donghyuck read your mind, he pulled away after leaving a last soft peck on your lips, removing his hands from the sides of your neck. He pulled back smirking at you as you were still standing frozen, your lips still feeling numb and swollen..

You had blocked away everyone else that was around you. You couldn’t hear anything of what they were saying. Your brain was still trying to comprehend what had just happened.

With a quick snap back to reality, you grabbed Jimin’s hand and turned your back to everyone else, storming off through the door of the frat house.

The night of the party you slept over at Jimin’s dorm. As soon as you exited the frat house, you went straight to Jimin’s car and you offered to drive since Jimin wasn’t in the right place to drive. She was still feeling unwell after she threw up all the alcohol she had consumed previously the same night, so you wanted to make sure she would be fine. But honestly, you weren’t feeling well either, and it wasn’t because you had drank.

Your mind kept replaying the moment Donghyuck kissed you like a video on loop. You were suddenly fifteen again, playing a silly game of spin the bottle with your friends where you happened to kiss your silly little crush. But now it happened again. And it wasn’t a silly game or a silly crush anymore.

Why was Donghyuck so complicating? All those times you hung out together, you never noticed him having any romantic intentions towards you. Everything he did or said was purely in the terms of friendship. But the way he approached you, touched you and kissed you at the party told you otherwise. Were you that blind not to notice his intentions?

You tried to excuse his behavior, saying that he was high or drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. Which is not necessarily a lie. It wasn’t his fault that he got peer pressured into drinking and behaving like one of the frat boys. He is the complete opposite of a troublemaker and ill-intended person; no wonder people found it so easy to talk him into things.

Plus, it was only just a game. He sure didn’t think of it as something much of a big deal, so why would you give it so much importance?

You mentally slapped yourself for thinking like this, because Jimin, who was already fast asleep, would yell at you for excusing Donghyuck’s behavior. He’s not a kid, he’s a grown-up, he knows what he’s doing, she would say. You had to wait until the morning to hear her scolding. The thing is, she wouldn’t be completely wrong about this.

During the thunderstorm of thoughts pouring inside your brain, a bold lightning struck in between. What if you confessed to him? Your heart couldn’t bear hiding what it felt for any longer. At that moment, you didn’t care if it would ruin your relationship with Donghyuck. He has acted recklessly enough quite a few times now, so you were allowed to be reckless for once too. He had to know how you felt, because this is what would make you feel at ease with yourself. He can’t find it so easy to kiss you in a drunk game and not feel anything either. After the spark that lit up with the touch of your lips and the butterflies that danced around the knot in your stomach, you knew you had to tell him. But the problem was that you didn’t know how to do it.

For the meantime, you had curled up in Jimin’s bed hugging yourself tightly, crying your eyes out until sweet sleep brushed over them and closed them shut.

The morning of the next day you and Jimin went out to grab breakfast together. She was still feeling a bit weird because of last night’s events, but she said that a plate of chocolate chip pancakes would cure her hangover.

You were fiddling with your fork, scraping it at the surface of the plate, a screeching noise coming from it. Jimin visibly shivered at the sound and you stopped it.

“So,” Jimin began, swallowing a big piece of the pancakes, “wanna talk about last night?” she asked.

You put your fork down and sat back, crossing your arms. “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. Everything is so confusing” you answered.

“Um, that’s exactly why we need to talk about it” Jimin said. She drank a full glass of water and then set it down on the table with a thud. It was so loud, you thought that the table might have broken.

“Donghyuck literally kissed you and we’re gonna completely ignore that? Come on Y/n, we cannot pretend it didn’t happen. Well, at least you cannot pretend it didn’t happen” Jimin said.

“Drop it Jimin, he was drunk, or high, or whatever.”

“No he was not. Well he was, but not that much. He knew what he was doing. Look, Y/n, Donghyuck has been a great friend to you and I know how much you love him for that. But when it comes to the romantic part of your relationship, he’s been nothing but an ass.”

You sighed and didn’t say anything in return. Jimin was right. He really was an ass when it came to romantic relationships. But you couldn’t ignore your feelings. You knew the way you felt when he touched you, when he leaned close to your ear and whispered to you, when his lips danced with yours.

The question is, did he feel the same?

You broke the silence by speaking up. “I think I’m gonna confess to him” you said.

Jimin almost choked on her food. She started coughing and you immediately got up and patted her on her back to prevent any accidents. You filled in her glass with water and helped her drink a bit.

“You what?!” Jimin practically screamed and you were thankful that the restaurant was not full that morning.

“I thought about it last night and I can’t keep suppressing my feelings, But I don’t know how to do it and I still think that Donghyuck might not like me back, hell, he only sees my as a friend, but at the same time I felt it when he kissed me, it felt different than the first time he did it back at that goodbye party before high school and God I hate parties becau-“

“Hey hey hey! Calm down bestie” Jimin interrupted you. You were panting, trying to catch your breath. You didn’t realize you went on an auto-rant mode until after Jimin spoke.

“It’s okay, I know it’s hard to do it. But if you finally feel confident enough to tell him, you should do it. We’ll think of a way to do that, together.” Jimin reassured you and you nodded to yourself.

Speaking of the devil, your phone screen lit up and a ting sound echoed in the room. You picked it up, only to see a text from Donghyuck.

[Hyuck]

see you at the park later?

You sighed again and made a mental note to text him back in a minute when you would have calmed down from your previous outbreak.

You really had to tell him, and you had to do it soon.

Despite your initial denial, you agreed to meet Donghyuck later that day at the park, at your usual spot. You were contemplating whether to meet him or not, because even though you wanted to confess, your anxiety and fear of a bad outcome got the best of you.

You didn’t mind if you got rejected. You really didn’t care at all. At that moment, you just wanted to get it out of your chest. A few weeks ago, you would be dreading the possibility of Donghyuck rejecting your feelings and ruining your friendship. But right now you had none of that in mind.

You rode your bike on the way to the park in order to clear your mind with some fresh air. The sun had almost set and the park was becoming emptier. You spotted Donghyuck sitting on the ground with his back resting on a tree trunk. He had rode there on his bike too.

You went up to him and he only noticed your presence until after you sat down beside him. He turned his head to your side and he flushed you one of his precious bright smiles, the one that always made your heart skip a bit.

You didn’t want to lie to yourself, but your confidence from earlier magically vanished the moment you saw his face.

“How have you been? It was a mess last night” you spoke first and his smile dropped at the sound of your voice, his plump lips forming a soft frown, eyes falling down to his lap.

“Don’t remind me of that” Donghyuck said. He paused for a second before he spoke again. “I actually wanted to apologize for that. For whatever happened. I clearly didn’t mean anything I did or said, so if I did anything bad or weird, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know. I promised myself I wouldn’t get carried away, but guess what! I did nothing but that. I’m sorry.”

You waited for him to finish with what he wanted to say before you said anything else. You went closer to him and rubbed his back in sympathy.

It took you a while to take in everything he said. What did he mean by “I didn’t mean anything I said or did”? Did he regret kissing you? Didn’t he feel the same spark, the same tingle, the same knot in his stomach?

You tried to push these thoughts away and focus on your feelings. It was time you put your feelings first, or rather, yourself. Your heart was beating out of your chest, blood rushing into your cheeks, as you gathered all your confidence and courage before you spoke up.

“Donghyuck?” you said in a soft, quiet voice, barely above a whisper. Donghyuck lifted his head, his chocolate eyes diving deep into yours, his skin glimmering under the moonlight like frozen honey.

That’s when your voice got stuck in your throat, and you stood there staring at him and he was staring back at you. “Wanna go on a ride with our bikes? To clear our minds?” you said.

He nodded and his plump lips curved upwards, his eyes creasing a bit on the sides. This is not what you wanted to say, but at least you said something.

You wanted to say so much more. So many things occupied the back of your head, you wanted to scream at him for giving you all these mixed signals, you wanted to scold him for acting so immature, you wanted to hug him and tell him that he’s too good for this world, you wanted to feel his touch and warmth on your body. But you did nothing for it.

You had to think of a way to confess to him without having to say any words. Otherwise, you would fuck up. Or you wouldn’t be able to do it at all, and you would be left with the burden upon your chest.

In the meantime, you were reminded how beautiful you felt every time you were with him. You relaxed, you laughed, you cried, you smiled, you frowned, you were stressed and then you were not. There was only one boy in all the world that could wake up every single emotion inside you and that boy was none other than Lee Donghyuck.

You still quite couldn’t put your finger on what it was that made him so different from the other boys. Maybe the fact that he was just a guy, like everyone else, but he seemed so gorgeous in your eyes. Maybe it was because you knew him in a way no one else did. That’s why you felt the need to share your feelings with him, because no matter what, you somehow knew that he would always love you back, even as just a friend.

You were still mad at him for acting this way. But you could not completely ignore the person you knew because of one reckless incident. You knew Donghyuck very well, and you knew that he was better than this. You weren’t in the right mood to confront him after seeing how bad he felt with himself, so you chose to put whatever happened at the party towards the back of your head for a while and enjoy your time with him.

There is always the right time for everything.

“Aeri broke up with me” Yangyang announced, with a frown on his face that could reach the floor.

“She did? Yeah, I’m not surprised. You shouldn’t be either” you said.

“But why?” Yangyang whined.

“Are you serious right now?” Jimin spoke up “You literally hook up with every other girl, plus, you never gave her any attention! And you have the audacity to cry about it.”

You were walking on campus, heading towards your respective classes. It had been two days since the frat party, and Yangyang’s girlfriend found out about his doings and she finally snapped.

Donghyuck caught up to you and joined the conversation. “Oof, I found you guys, I was looking for you everywhere. Wait what happened?” he asked as soon as he noticed Yangyang’s frown in his expression.

“Aeri happened” you said.

“Who's Aeri?” Donghyuck asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

Jimin was the one to speak up this time. “Yangyang’s girlfriend. Well, now ex-girlfriend. It took her a bit long to come to her senses but I’m happy she finally did.” She turned to Yangyang and slapped him in the back of his head. “See, you never even mentioned her name, you idiot! You’re gross, honestly” Jimin said with a disgusted expression.

Donghyuck smiled slightly at Jimin’s comment, but none of them saw him but you. Was it just your idea or did he look extra fine today?

Jimin walked to your side and linked her arm with yours. “Now if you will excuse us boys, we have to talk about girl things, mhm?” Jimin said and dragged you away from them, leaving them walking behind you.

“So, I thought of the perfect idea” Jimin whispered, lowering her head.

“About what?” you asked.

“You will make a quiz and send it to him” Jimin said. You stopped at your track to take in what she just said. “What?”

“You want to confess to Donghyuck, right? So I did some research and came across this quiz that you supposedly send to your crush and then they have to respond and send it back to you I guess. What do you think?” Jimin said.

“It sounds childish. Yeah I don’t think it will work” you said.

“But why? Let’s give it a try. Please” Jimin whined and you couldn’t do anything but agree with her. “Okay, listen. I’ll see what I’ll do. If I feel confident enough to send it to him then we’re good, otherwise we’ll have to think of something else” you said.

Jimin screeched and hugged you tightly. “Thank you thank you thank you! Oh my god, I really think it will work. Plus, it’s not gonna be a face to face confession so don’t be nervous about it. You got this. I’ll meet you later after classes to work on it. Love you bestie!” Jimin said and ran off to her class, leaving you walking on your own in the campus.

Maybe her idea wasn’t that bad after all. This couldn’t go too wrong, right?

Later that day you met Jimin at your favorite café. You found her sitting at your usual table, scrolling on her phone.

Yangyang decided to tag along this time too. You bumped into him on your way out of campus and invited him for coffee too. You didn’t tell Jimin about it, but you were sure she wouldn’t mind.

You sat down next to her, and Yangyang went for the seat on the other side of the table, taking out his phone.

“Let’s start, take out your laptop” Jimin said and you did so. You opened an empty form sheet and stared at the cursor appearing and disappearing on the screen. “Well, how do I start?” you asked.

Jimin took the lead and turned the laptop to her side so that she could type on the keyboard easier. “So, we'll start with his name. Write something like, ‘Hi Donghyuck, if you’re receiving this it’s because I have a big fat crush on you and I don’t know how to tell you-‘”

“Shhhh,” you interrupted her “don’t say his name” you whisper shouted.

Yangyang raised his head from his phone screen and joined the conversation. “Don’t worry about it bestie, it’s not as if we don’t know about it. It’s so obvious that you like Hyuck to the point it hurts my eyes every time I see you looking at him. Can’t you be more discreet about it? What the fuck are you two even doing by the way?”

You were left speechless and kept blinking, staring at Yangyang. Of course he would figure it out, he’s been your best friend since you were literally babies. You shouldn’t be surprised by this.

“We’re making a confession quiz to help Y/n tell Donghyuck that she likes him. I saw it online and apparently it works wonders” Jimin said.

Yangyang stayed silent for a few seconds before he started laughing hysterically. You and Jimin looked at each other and then back at Yangyang, waiting for him to stop with his laughing outburst.

You waited until he finally caught his breath, wiping a tear that slipped from the corner of his eye with his finger. “You guys are seriously so funny” he said.

“What's so funny about it, Yangyang? Hm?” Jimin asked him.

“I just find it such a stupid idea. Don’t you think it’s a bit childish? It won’t work” he said.

“That's what I thought too, but I’m gonna give it a try” you said.

“Okay, whatever” Yangyang said and went back to scrolling on his phone.

“Don’t give him any notice, Y/n. Let’s move on” Jimin said and started typing on the keyboard.

“So, we'll start with questions such as ‘Did you know that I liked you?’ and ‘If yes, then how did you know?’ and then ‘Do you like me back?’ and stuff” Jimin spoke while typing at the same time.

“Wait Jimin, don’t you think these are a bit too straightforward?” you asked. Jimin stopped typing and looked at you dead in the eye. “Are you kidding me? This is how a confession works, hello?” Jimin answered, full of irony. Through the corner of your eye, you saw Yangyang scoffing.

“Okay so next,” Jimin started typing again “you need to ask him the important stuff, which is what he thinks of you. And that includes what his first impression of you was, how attractive he finds you and how much he likes your personality.”

“How about we ask him something like ‘Is this awkward?’ because trust me, it probably is” you were the one who suggested a question this time.

Jimin wasn’t entirely sure if you were joking or not, be she agreed and typed it after the previous one. “Now, let’s end it with a precious moment between the two of you. One that he remembers, it might be anything” Jimin said.

She typed fast, her fingers running on top of the keyboard. Her eyes never left the screen, following the letters without even peaking at the keyboard to see what she was typing. She then pressed the enter key with all her strength and sat back on her chair. “And we’re done. It’s sent” she said.

The moment she said that the quiz was sent, you started trembling. You didn’t feel nervous up until that point. What if everything went downhill after this? It’s just a stupid quiz, you thought. Sure, the quiz was stupid, but your crush wasn’t. You were worried that once Dongyuck sees the quiz, he’ll start seeing you differently. You were only hoping that this differently didn’t mean negative, because if it did, your entire relationship with him would change. And you didn’t want to lose such an important person in your life over a not-so-stupid crush.

You didn’t see Donghyuck on campus the next day. You were sure about it because ever since Jimin sent him the confession quiz, he hasn’t left your mind. You kept looking for him everywhere but not because you wanted to see him. It was rather the opposite. You knew that if you saw his face after knowing that you had confessed to him, you wouldn’t be able to utter a single word. You avoided him.

You had to thank him, though, for making your job easier. Not a single sight of him on campus for the entire day. Good news.

But the bad news was that he didn’t text you throughout the day at all, which was odd. He would usually ask to meet at the park, or just text you about not anything of importance. But there was no sign of him that day.

A lot of thoughts formed in your mind at the same time. In the worst case scenario, there was something wrong with him. In the best case scenario, he felt way too awkward because of the confession quiz and he didn’t want to do anything with you. You couldn’t explain how this was the best case scenario, but you were worried sick about him. So you hoped for the latter.

You didn’t want to text him or call him though. You wanted to avoid him, right? Your current behavior didn’t match the confidence you had a couple days ago. It felt like you were more intimate with him now, you had exposed a piece of your inner self and you were scared that your actions would make him feel uncomfortable.

Yet, you decided to give him time. You wanted to wait for his response. Whatever it would be. You thought that your confession would help you ease your mind, but you’ve been thinking about him even more now. What if he didn’t feel the same? Of course, you would respect his feelings. You can’t force people to like you, or love you. But deep down, you knew it would hurt. You would still continue to love him even if he didn’t love you back. You cannot turn on and off feelings like a light switch. Loving him took a long time and getting over him would take even longer. You didn’t want to get over him. You probably couldn’t. So you wanted to keep loving him and hoped that maybe, there was a slight chance that he would love you back.

However, you didn’t see Donghyuck on campus the day after that either. But this time, you didn’t know if it was because you were avoiding him or because he just didn’t come to any of his classes.

Worry washed over you when neither Yangyang or Jimin had heard of him. “I thought he would be talking with you” Yangyang told you. Yeah, you thought the same thing.

After your classes ended for the day, you decided to go by his dorm and see him in person. You still felt like avoiding him but you didn’t have another choice at this point. You wanted to see him.

You put on your earphones and let the music keep you company while walking. Your heart rate was slowly increasing with each step you took, but you couldn’t explain if it was because you felt anxious or because your heart followed the beat of the music.

After listening to a couple of songs, you found yourself standing right outside Donghyuck’s dorm door. Taking off your earphones, you stood there still, waiting. You raised your arm hesitantly, knuckles touching the wooden surface of the door. You slightly pulled your hand away from the door and then your knuckles touched the door again.

Knock. Knock.

You drew a step back, arm falling to your side. And you waited.

One, two, three, four, five, si-

Donghyuck appeared behind the door, wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair messy and eyes droopy.

“Hi, um, sorry d-did I wake you up?” you said.

“Um, no it’s fine, uh, is there something wrong?” Donghyuck said, rubbing his eye with his fingers.

And then you noticed the flush color painting his cheeks and the way he kept his eyes on the ground, not trying to maintain eye contact.

“I was just worried, you know? We haven’t seen you in two days and I just wanted to see if you-“

“I’m fine Y/n, there’s nothing to worry about, now please, I was in the middle of something so, uh, I’ll see you later, bye” Donghyuck interrupted you and closed the door right in your face, without even sparing you a glance.

What was this all about? Why was he acting like this?

You blinked away the tears that were forming in the corners of your eyes and walked away.

“Girl, you’re not the one avoiding him, he’s the one avoiding you!” Jimin said, munching on a cheeseburger.

She swallowed her bite and spoke again. “What I think is, he’s in love with you too, but he’s an even bigger coward than I thought he was. I believe he got so flustered by the quiz we sent him, but don’t worry, he’ll come to his senses sooner or later.”

You rested your head on your palm and sighed heavily. “I don’t know Jiminie, his behavior is so confusing lately. I kinda regret sending him that quiz”.

“Uh oh, don’t say that again. You confessed and well done for that, so now it’s up to him to decide how the relationship between you two will go. Don’t blame yourself for how a man thinks. You never know what goes on inside those pea sized brains of theirs” Jimin said.

“So you say that he’s ignoring me because he likes me back?” you asked, a question which was addressed more to yourself.

“That's exactly what I’m saying,” Jimin said. “I mean, he couldn’t even look at you and his cheeks were all blushy and stuff? Girl, do we see the same things? Because this clearly shows he has lost his shit over you.”

You remained silent for a while, leaving Jimin to eat her cheeseburger in peace and allowing yourself to sort all of your thoughts that were scrambled inside your mind. Maybe she was right. Again. Her intuition regarding people’s feelings and behaviors is remarkable. She always left you wondering how she could be so good at reading other people.

You thought you were good at it too, until this boy named Lee Donghyuck came into your life. It wasn't that hard to understand him as a little boy, but now that you’re all adults, it seems like he has built walls around his heart and it’s not easy to read him anymore. The problem was that you didn’t know why he did this. He used to allow himself to be open and vulnerable with you. At least you thought so.

Now you are left wondering what’s in his mind and what is it that makes him act this way. Was the quiz that awkward? Did he see you in a different way now?

Questions like this kept messing with you and you wished you could unsend that quiz if it were to prevent this outcome. But you decided to give him a little bit more time. You were friends after all, right? Friends always come back to each other, no matter what. Right?

The next couple of days Donghyuck had been ignoring you still. Jimin said there was no point in feeling sad about it and that he would just snap one moment and realize what an asshole he was.

You hadn’t told Yangyang about any of that. He had mentioned the quiz once, asking you something like how you made it and what you wrote exactly, but nothing more specific about Donghyuck. So you decided to let it go, he wouldn’t understand anyway.

You were sitting at the park alone, leaning against a tree while watching the sun slowly hiding behind the hill, waiting for the moon to rise and take its place in the sky. The cheerful screams of little kids were gradually fading away and the park was becoming quieter, the only sound interrupting the silence from time to time was the barking of dogs.

You felt peaceful. You found a moment in time to have for yourself, a small escape from all of last week’s dramatic events. You breathed in the fresh air, you let your body relax and your mind roam around the scenery of nature in front of you.

This inner serenity didn’t last long though. Your phone chimed in your pocket and the screen lit up, the intense brightness hurting your eyes due to the contrast with the now darker sky.

You lowered the brightness in order to take a better look at the text on your screen. You squinted your eyes a bit further, this time not because of the brightness.

[Hyuck]

i really need to talk to you

it’s important

you know where to find me

i’m at your favorite place

You kept rereading Donghyuck’s texts over and over. So he ignores me for days and now all of a sudden he wants us to meet and he puzzles me with a riddle? What the hell?

You turned off your phone and stared blankly in front of you, trying to think of what place Donghyuck was talking about. You didn’t even care about what he wanted to tell you. You had to find him first.

The gears inside your brain got to work, spinning quickly and digging through your memories to help you find the answer. But you were already in your favorite place. The park. At least it was your favorite at the moment. So if he were at the park, where could he be? You would be able to see him by now.

The gears in your brain suddenly stopped moving and the light bulb shone brightly above your head. You knew exactly where he was. And it wasn’t the park. You grabbed your things quickly and rushed out of the park, heading towards the place you could never imagine that you’ll ever see again.

You had been walking for only ten minutes and your legs were hurting and started feeling wobbly. The one time you actually needed your bike, you didn’t have it. A sigh left your lips and you continued walking, looking at your phone from time to time in case Donghyuck texted you something else or called you.

You could tell that you were almost there by the red and gold lighting attacking your eyes, contrasting with the darkness of your surroundings. You squinted your eyes as a reaction to the sudden appearance of light, walking towards the source of red and gold. The smell of butter popcorn lured you in and that’s how you knew you were at the exact place you needed to be.

You stood under the bright sign, the same white balloons climbing up the pillars on each side of the gate, confetti sprinkled and glued in between them, fairy lights trailing upwards to the glowing sign. ‘Welcome to Dreamland’.

You stood in awe. You never thought you would visit this place again. It's been years since the last time you visited the amusement park and it felt strange yet so familiar sitting there, looking at the place that felt like your childhood home.

Your eyes were roaming around and you just stood still, not moving a single step further. For a moment, you had forgotten the reason why you were there in the first place.

The scent of the familiar cologne was roaming in the air, snapping you out of your thoughts. Donghyuck cleared his throat and you turned around to face him.

He looked beautiful. The lights of the amusement park were reflecting in his eyes, his hair fell softly covering his forehead, his plump lips curved upwards to a smile.

You noticed that he held his arms behind his back, but you didn’t question it. You just stared right into his eyes, just like he stared into yours. “Hi” he said, his voice blurred among the music and random screams from little kids running around the amusement park.

“Hi” you greeted him back, and then both of you remained silent, looking at each other. Your eyes started stinging from keeping them open for a long time, so you lowered your gaze to your feet.

Donghyuck sensed the awkwardness and cleared his throat again before he spoke up. “I’m sorry, Y/n” he said.

Your head jolted up at the sound of his honey voice and your gaze locked in with his. You parted your lips to speak, but he beat you to it. “I’m sorry. I know my behavior was shit. I was an asshole. I was ignoring you when I shouldn’t. I’m surprised that you came to see me after the way I treated you. So thank you" he said.

You didn’t want to speak. You didn’t have the courage to do so, but you also didn’t know what to tell him. Instead, you waited for him to continue talking.

Donghyuck’s gaze shifted from your eyes to other places around him and he pursed his lips. “You know, I received that quiz you sent me” he trailed off.

You gulped at the mention of the quiz and suddenly your heartbeat picked up a pace so fast that was probably beyond human.

“I didn’t-” Donghyuck started, “I didn’t send it back to you because I wanted to answer it now, with you here” he said.

You found yourself incapable of speaking at that moment. You simply nodded and diverted your gaze back to your feet.

“Please look at me Y/n” Donghyuck said and you froze, slowly lifting your head to see him looking directly at you. You could tell he was nervous by the way he inhaled sharply and the soft red color that painted his cheeks.

“I didn’t know you felt this way about me,” he started, “so when I saw that quiz I was so troubled. Maybe you were obvious with it, maybe not, but what’s certain is that I was too nervous around you to even notice anything.”

You tried to process his words and come to a conclusion. Everything that came out of his mouth didn’t make sense to you. Why would he be nervous around me?

Donghyuck gulped and continued. “Do you remember how we met?” he asked, but the question was mostly addressed to himself rather than you. You smiled at the memory. How could you forget such a pretty boy?

“It was here, this exact place. We were both running, we bumped into each other, fell down and then dropped your cotton candy” he said and started laughing. You did the same.

“And then we became friends. Inseparable friends. You have always been the sweetest friend I’ve ever had. You are kind, funny, you make me feel comfortable, you’re always there for me even though I behave so shitty sometimes” he said.

“And you’re so beautiful. I find myself staring at you when you’re looking away and I just ask myself how can a person be this beautiful” he said, his voice getting gradually quieter, just a little bit louder than a whisper.

“Do you know why I stopped contacting you when I left?” Donghyuck asked, this time the question addressed to you.

You cleared your throat before speaking, voice barely audible. “No.” It was the first time you spoke after greeting him.

Donghyuck shifted a bit, balancing his weight on one leg. “Because I liked you so much I couldn’t bear talking to you, knowing that I wasn’t able to see you, touch you and tell you how much I missed you” he said. “I thought that maybe, if I didn’t talk to you again, maybe it would hurt less than it did.”

You felt your lips drying, eyes widening upon hearing these words. This can’t be real. Yes, you wanted him to like you back, but you never expected it to be true. Even if you believed in a slight chance that he might like you back, it never occurred to you that it might actually be true.

“Hyuck, what are you talking about?” you asked him, not believing a single word he was saying.

“I’m talking about how much I like you, Y/n. Fuck, I might even be in love with you. I don’t know, I always get this weird feeling around you and I can’t get it to stop! I keep thinking about you and how I want to be able to kiss you without finding excuses with these stupid spin the bottle games! I like you so fucking much Y/n, I don’t know how to act.”

You stood still, frozen. So this is really happening, you thought. All this time you were worried about your feelings for Donghyuck when he was feeling the exact same way towards you. Your heart fluttered to the sound of his confession and you felt like smiling so hard until your cheeks hurt.

“Please say something Y/n” Donghyuck whispered. You didn’t say anything though. You didn’t have to. Instead, you took a couple steps further and stood right in front of him, placing your hands on each side of his neck, smacking your lips onto his.

He responded immediately, parting his lips slightly to kiss you back. He removed one arm from behind his back to cup your cheek with his hand and he kissed you gently and genuinely.

The knot in your stomach was untied, releasing the butterflies it had been holding in for so long. Donghyuck’s plump lips moved in sync with yours, his soft touch on your cheek sending streaks of warmth down your entire body.

You slowly pulled back to catch your breath, looking at him in his eyes, both of you smiling as hard as ever. “Of course I like you too, dumbass. I’ve liked you ever since I met you.” You said and Donghyuck smiled even harder than before, if it was even possible.

You removed your hands from his neck, dropping them to your side. “What is behind your back?” you asked him eagerly.

Donghyuck dropped his hand from your cheek too and brought his other arm from behind his back, only to reveal a stick of fluffy pink cotton candy.

Your eyes widened at the sight. It was the last thing you expected to see.

“You know, I promised to buy you one because I had dropped it when we bumped into each other, but I never had the chance to do that, so...” Dongyuck said and you slammed your body into his arms, grinning hard and laughing.

You squeezed him tightly and he returned your embrace, wrapping his arms around your waist, his head finding its way to rest in the crook of your neck.

“I think I love you, Donghyuck” you softly said in his ear.

Donghyuck’s grip on you tightened more and he breathed in. “Y/n, I know I love you” he said, just loud enough so that you and only you could hear him.

Donghyuck pulled back slightly so that he could see your face. He was still holding you tightly, as if he physically couldn’t let you go. As you were lost in the pool of honey in his eyes, he spoke with a low voice. “Do you think you’ll finally be able to beat me in bumper cars?” he said.

You laughed at his question and his smile grew wider to the sound. “No, you’re too slow. I actually pity you” you said.

Donghyuck poked the inside on his cheek with his tongue and raised his eyebrow at your answer. “Oh yeah? Let’s find out, bitchass” he said and linked his fingers with yours to guide you to the amusement park.

Just like that, your heart was full. It was right at the place it needed to be from the very beginning. It was finally home.

The doorbell chimed behind you and a chill breeze entered the inside of the diner for a brief second. You didn’t have to turn your head to realize that a group of high school kids entered the diner, their voices were too loud and annoying. You rolled your eyes and popped a french fry into your mouth.

It’s been about two weeks since you and Donghyuck made it official. You agreed to start a relationship that very night you confessed to each other outside the amusement park. Donghyuck only agreed to go out with you if he won three consecutive races at the bumper cars ride. Turns out you ended up crashing his car in every single round, but Donghyuck kept on saying that he didn’t really mean what he said and kissed you into agreeing to go on another date with him.

You were happy. Ever since you started dating, you found yourself enjoying the time you spent with Donghyuck even more than you did before. It’s not that many things changed, it was mostly the same things you used to do. The only difference was that neither of you was afraid to express their true feelings anymore.

You and Donghyuck were sitting next to each other at the diner booth. Donghyuck had his arm wrapped around your shoulder, while he used his other arm to grab french fries from the bowl on your table. You agreed to buy just one bowl of french fries to ease your appetite before you ordered your actual meals.

Donghyuck was talking to you about the drive-in cinema that will start working again next week. He said that they would be playing one of his favorite movies, so he practically begged you to go with him and treat it as a date as well.

“What are you guys talking about?” you heard Jimin’s voice and you looked up to see that she had just arrived with Yangyang standing there next to her.

“Oh hey guys, we didn’t hear you entering. I was telling Y/n about the drive-in, it’ll be open again next week. Wanna go-wait-” Donghyuck started saying, but he cut himself off when he noticed that Yangyang was holding Jimin’s hand.

“Dude what?” Donghyuck asked again and you sat there staring at your friends with eyes wide open. Jimin and Yangyang were grinning at your and Donghyuck’s reactions, before they went to sit on the booth opposite of yours.

��Yup, it is exactly what you think it is. Now, what were you saying about the drive-in?” Yangyang casually joined in the conversation without addressing the matter that clearly needed to be addressed.

“Jimin, why didn’t you tell me about this? How long have you guys been going out?” you said smiling at your friends.

“Not that long, just a few days after you guys. See, I was going to tell you about it Y/n, but Yangyang thought it would be funnier if we just showed up one random day like this and let you guys figure it out on your own” Jimin said and Yangyang kissed her forehead before wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah, turns out that stupid quiz you girls thought of works wonders” Yangyang said and popped one french fry that he stole from the bowl.

“Wait, Yangyang, you were the one to send Jimin the quiz? Oh how the tables turn” you said and he waved you off.

You weren’t even the slightest bit surprised that Yangyang and Jimin were dating now. Honestly, it was quite obvious that there was something going on between them, but both of them were way too stubborn to admit it. Was it that way with you and Donghyuck too?

The four of you spent time at the diner that night. The feeling of being carefree and relaxed around your friends reminded you of the time you used to spend all together back in high school. It really felt as if you never lost touch with one another, everything was back to normal. Except this time, your heart felt at ease too.

It was getting quite late and the diner was almost empty now. The four of you didn’t really have the heart to check the time and make a move to get up and leave, you were having way too much time to just call it a night.

You had now ordered a second round of drinks, non-alcoholic though because none of you was really that good at staying sober. Instead, you just stuck with fizzy drinks and sodas.

Yangyang emptied out his second bottle of coke before he slammed it on the table. He licked his lips and sighed. “Wow, this was a good one” he said. But this wasn’t the only thing he had in mind. You could tell by the smugness of his expression.

Yangyang smirked and then lifted his head to flash one of his signature wide grins. “I don’t wanna go home yet, guys. So, who’s up for a game of spin the bottle?” he asked.

Jimin kicked his leg under the table, Donghyuck sat up and smacked him in the head and you stretched your arm to pinch his nose. The four of you burst out laughing, thinking about how things would have turned out if it wasn’t for Yangyang’s stupid ideas.

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jnnul · 4 months ago

Text

nouvelle vague

a/n: i've been in a fever dream writing this fic, honestly. i kinda just needed to write it. it means so much to me that i did though because it's something that i wish that i had learned earlier and i just love this fic so much please love her like i have. and a huge HUGE thank you to xixi and soph for beta reading! couldn't have made this fic possible without you <3 quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback!

word count: 13.3k

tags: college au!, confusing love, y/n who can't get her life together, self-destructive mc x perfect donghyun with a sprinkle of best boy dongmin, so many good friends and so many lessons to be learned

warnings: explicit detail of sex (oral, foreplay, angry sex, unprotected sex...) underage drinking, and general college shenanigans! also heavy detailing of unhealthy relationships with stress, and academic pressures :(

playlist: nouvelle vague - wave to earth, fairy of shampoo - dosii, she - jannabi, 0310 - yerin baek

THERE WERE LOTS OF THINGS THAT YOU KNEW NOT TO DO.

don't leave the gas on, don't let sanghyeok lee cook anything, and don't get into pointless arguments with dongmin han that he gets overly competitive about winning.

"...which is why you've got to trust me when i say that mbti is a science that you can actually trust!"

"i don't know, min, i just think mbti is stupid. it's a pseudoscience at best, and that too is a complete overstatement," you say off-handedly, more preoccupied with finding the book you needed to write your essay on. dongmin scoffs, pressing a steepled hand to his chest in offense as he pulls down the book you were look for with the other.

"that sounds like something an intj would say," he counters, withholding the book from you. you stare at him unimpressed, arms folded over your chest.

"it sounds like something a logical person would say," you retort, waiting for him to relent and return your book. this behavior (much to your dismay) was nothing new and you knew your best friend well enough to just wait out his tantrums for you to be able to move on with your life.

dongmin looks at you expectantly and you sigh, hanging your head. "alright, alright, i'm not a logical person; i've just got a stick up my ass. are you happy now?"

your best friend harrumphs proudly and touches the book to both of your shoulders, as though he were knighting you. you roll your eyes and snatch the book from him, hugging it close to your chest for fear that he might steal it from you again.

"maybe if you actually had a stick up your ass once in a while, you wouldn't be such a killjoy all the time," dongmin snorts, narrowly dodging you when you wind up to smack him with the book (read: weapon) in your hand.

"alright so now since i haven't had sex in a while, i'm a killjoy?" you say as the both of you make your way back to the study room that you'd reserved in hopes that you'd actually get some work done today. although, you should've been wise enough to give up on such nonsensical ideas the moment dongmin texted/warned you that he would be gracing you with his presence.

"i still can't believe you won't tell me who you had sex with last. and besides, i don't think you're a killjoy," dongmin clarifies, opening the door for you to walk through. "but everyone else does."

"because i'm voluntarily celibate?"

"because you never go out anymore! you used to be so much fun, y/n. you used to be the girl that would have crazy stories from when she would party until five in the morning. the one who'd have boy after boy lining up in front of her door just to see if they would get a chance with you. not to mention the fact that you used be able to drink us all to shame. i still think you're an awesome and fun person without doing any of those things but i miss you sometimes, you know? i just can't help but wonder where that girl went and that's why everyone else can't understand why a person like you and i can be best friends when they see us now. because they don't know what you used to be like."

you sigh, tucking your hood over your shoulder as you begin to analyze the work in front of you.

"i didn't go anywhere, min and you know that. i don't care what other people think as long as my best friend knows the truth. and besides, that lifestyle was never going to be a sustainable one. i just decided that i wanted more out of life than just parties and bad grades," you explain patiently, eyes never leaving the neatly organized papers in front of you.

dongmin huffs and leans backwards into the booth, but he knows it's the truth. while he'd become friends with you because of your rambunctious and adventurous spirit back in freshman year, he'd chosen to remain best friends with you even later on because you were a good person - an ambitious person who wanted to make something out of their life.

"you can have both, you know," he mumbles and you smile gently at him before looking back down at your book.

"i know. you can have both because you were smart and made sure your grades never slipped. i didn't do that and now i'm paying the price," you remind him, and you can sense dongmin's protest about your self-deprecating statement bubbling up but he's interrupted when the study room door opens and a series of people begin to file in.

"hey, so sorry to have to kick you out but we have the room reser - wait. dongmin? what are you doing in a study room, man?" one of the men who'd walked in says.

you don't pay attention to the people walking in as you begin to gather your materials, leaving the socializing to your much more extroverted best friend. you check your watch, cursing under your breath when you realize that you'd spent too much time looking for the book and dongmin’s antics. you were supposed to switch from this study room to the one next door, because that one was available for a long period of time but only opened up right as the current one was going to be occupied.

"eh, i just came to bother y/n," dongmin says with a bored tone that everyone in the room knows is a front. "what are you guys doing here? don't you have a musty basement to throw a rager in?"

this leads all of the men and women who walked in to snicker, pointing at the poor soul who'd decided to take it up with dongmin today.

"you're basically in the frat too," the man protests and you finally register him to be jeongwoo park, one of dongmin's heaps of friends in the tsr frat.

"yeah but you have to pay to drink your own alcohol with your own dues," dongmin points out, snickering at jeongwoo. "i drink your alcohol for free."

"i say we ban this kid from our parties," another voice, hyunwoo kim pipes up, and a chorus of 'yeah's' and 'shut up jeongwoo' rise up simultaneously from both sides of the conversation. you fail to keep in your giggle as you watch dongmin get banned from the tsr frat in realtime (that you know he's going to charm his way out of somehow anyway), causing some of the people to turn their attention to you.

"y/n! how are you babe? it feels like it's been a century since we've last seen you!" one of the girls, jihyo han, says warmly and you give her a shy smile.

"i'm doing alright. swamped with projects," you say, lifting your arms up to showcase the number of books and papers you were balancing and doyeon coos sympathetically.

"that's what double majoring in english literature and architecture does to you but the woman doesn't listen to me," dongmin says, jostling you jestfully. you turn to chide him for pushing you when you accidentally lose grip of all of your work, causing it to tumble to the ground in what feels like slow-motion into heaps of unorganized messes.

"dongmin!" you hear hyunwoo scold as you swoop down to gather everything into your arms once more. another figure joins you on the ground, scooping papers into a neat stack with nimble fingers and strong arms. you look up to make eye contact with donghyun kim, immediately averting your eyes when you do, afraid of what he might find in them if he kept looking at you for too long.

"thanks," you mumble when donghyun hands you the papers he's collected and he just offers you a soft smile.

"it does feel like it's been a while since we've seen you around, y/n. even sanghyeok complains that he hasn't seen you at their place lately," donghyun says gently and you're left to shrug helplessly as you adjust to grasp at the stray pages more carefully.

"ah. yeah. i haven't really gone over to dongmin and sanghyeok's place lately because i've been in the library most of the time," you say and donghyun nods, silent as he watches you with that knowing gaze that sets your every nerve on fire.

sometimes, you wonder if donghyun knows how much of an impact he has on those around him just by the way he looks at them.

you don't have feelings for donghyun - at least no feelings worth discussing with anyone and none that you were ever willing to recall - but you're sure that pretty any one with a pair of eyes and a functioning heart could acknowledge just how attractive he was.

you were almost 99.99% sure that even if what had happened between you and donghyun hadn't happened, anyone's heart would skip at least once when they talked to him.

"i'm gonna go to the other study room," you announce hurriedly to no one in particular and dongmin takes it as his cue to bid his friends farewell as the two of you make your way to the study room.

"feel free to come to our room if it gets too loud or crowded in here!" dongmin yells over his shoulder, much to your dismay and to the chagrin of the librarian sitting at her desk a few yards away.

"sorry!" he exclaims, equally as loud, and the librarian just rolls her eyes with a forgiving smirk tugging at her lips. of course dongmin had managed to charm her too. you'd be surprised if your best friend left anyone with two legs and a heartbeat on this campus without at least an attempt to get into their pants.

or vice versa. mostly vice versa.

"oh that reminds me. sanghyeok asked me if you wanted to come to movie night this friday. you've skipped out on the last three because of work and exams but you're finally gonna be submitting all the big ones by this thursday so i don't want to hear any excuses on why you can't come to movie night. alright? alright. besides, all of the guys from our - your freshman year are gonna be there. and also, sanghyeok is gonna bring his girlfriend too so you won't be the only girl," dongmin says, his words firing out of his mouth in rapid succession.

you just nod in understanding, knowing that this shouldn't be the hill that you died on when it came to dongmin's antics.

"and i also may or may not have promised that you'd come to jaehyun's party on saturday," dongmin adds sheepishly and this finally catches your attention.

"movie night is one thing but a party is another thing, dongmin! is it a frat party or a clubbing type event? how long is the event? do you need me to send a present for him or something? isn't it his birthday soon?" you interrogate and dongmin just throws a pencil at you and puts his index finger to his lips to shush you.

"woman, do you ever shut up?" he sasses, immediately raising his hands in surrender when your eyebrows lift so high, they disappear into your hairline. "what i mean is, jaehyun said that he would give me the number of that cute girl from your structural design class that you won't give me if you come to his party."

"how does he know her? and what does that have to do with my attendance at his party?" you ask and dongmin shrugs, leaning over the table.

"it's jaehyun. he knows everything about everyone," dongmin reminds you and you have to concede to that. "and i'm not kidding when i say that people miss you y/n. you're still that fun person when you're away from your work and people haven't seen that side of you in so long. you've gotta oblige jaehyun on his birthday, don't you think?"

"...i'll think about it," you say with a sigh after a few beats of contemplation. "as long it's not a 'rager in a musty basement' like jeongwoo's parties."

dongmin lifts three fingers solemnly. "scout's honor. it's not going to be a rager in a musty basement. now please. finish your work! i'm hungry and sanghyeok promised ramen from the ramen bar."

+++

to dongmin's credit, the movie night was actually a breath of fresh air from your constant cycle of work, school, and stress. sanghyeok's girlfriend, jayoon sim, was the sweetest girl you'd ever met in your life, back when you'd met her at the beginning of the year. she was very similar to sanghyeok in the fact that she was outgoing and on the louder side but it was heartwarming to see sanghyeok start to mellow out to balance her spark.

it wasn't as though sanghyeok was toning down his personality for her - if anything, the two of them were even more chaotic together - but he seemed to like riding the backseat of the conversation more often as jayoon went on some tangent or another of the plot of the movie.

which led to lots of moments where the movie was paused by one of the five boys present at movie night (more often than not, it was sungho park, who was more intrigued by jayoon's tangents than the movie itself) and lots of popcorn being eaten in those breaks.

and that was how you found yourself standing in sanghyeok's kitchen, popping another bag of popcorn - the fourth bag in the past hour. sanghyeok had offered but you knew from personal experience that sanghyeok plus any form of cooking equals fire.

you personally thought it was a talent to be that talentless at cooking but dongmin, sanghyeok's roommate and the unfortunate soul who had to put out said fires, was not nearly as amused as you were.

"do you need any help?" you hear a voice ask behind you. you turn to make eye contact with donghyun, standing in the space that separated the kitchen from the foyer where you could faintly hear jaehyun myung and dongmin get into yet another argument about the logistics of whether or not batman could feasibly buy the mona lisa.

"it's just popping a bag of popcorn," you answer. donghyun laughs, taking another step forward into the kitchen.

"and yet sanghyeok manages to destroy the bag and the popcorn every single time," donghyun reminds you and you shrug, slipping your phone into your pocket.

"it's hard to do. you have to give him that," you admit and he laughs again, shaking his head.

"touché."

there's a blanket of silence that falls over the conversation, the argument in the other room providing background noise so it doesn't grow awkward.

you knew donghyun wasn't much of a talker but at this point, you just didn't know what to say to him anymore. he wasn't a stranger to you - he was close to dongmin, and prior to that, you had been pretty close to the five boys. they'd been the boys that you'd gone out with most of the time during the second half of freshman year and the beginning of sophomore year.

donghyun had seen you in a number of embarrassing situations; granted, most of them were while you were blackout drunk, but the number of times that you were in asaid state during the first half of your college education was embarrassing enough.

and he'd seen you...he'd seen all of you. he'd seen too much of yourself and it made you want to stuff yourself deep underground so you could escape his knowing gaze.

so while donghyun kim was no stranger to you, this new version of you was a stranger to him.

it was an odd feeling: having the knowledge of a shared past that neither of you could fully relate to any longer, and having mentalities that extended in distinctly different directions in the present.

donghyun was the prime example of being able to have it all. from what you knew about him from the past three years of tentatively close friendship, you knew that he was a strong academic who would skip out on a party here and there to make sure he could study the next morning but could be convinced into having a good time pretty much anywhere.

you've heard of a good many adventures from dongmin just this year about how the five of them had found themselves in abandoned malls or parties at the college neighboring yours, which was infamous for its ability to throw a rager for pretty much any reason.

if anything, the strongest feeling that you felt towards donghyun kim was sheer, unadulterated, pure jealousy. how could one person be so well-balanced while it felt like you were fighting an uphill battle everyday just to get everything done?

that jealousy was what had landed you in the situation you were in now: filled to the brim with stress and ready to pop at any moment. it was also that envy which had led to that mistake at the beginning of sophomore year between you and donghyun.

"y/n? are you okay?" donghyun asks, waving a hand in front of your face. you blink, turning belatedly to open the microwave door, only to see that donghyun had already done it for you.

"sorry. i spaced out for a second," you mumble, and busy yourself by searching for a new bowl, seeing as the one in the foyer was still somewhat filled with popcorn.

"you really need to take breaks more often, y/n. i feel like the stress of constantly being on the go is getting you," donghyun echoes from behind you and for some reason, the concern in his voice makes you ashamed and angry more than anything else.

easy for you to say donghyun, you want to say. everything comes easy to you. you didn't fuck up like i did. you don't have to fight everyday to make sure that you actually have a future worth living for because you weren't young and stupid.

but all you actually say is, "yeah, you're definitely right."

you avoid donghyun's heavy gaze as you pour the popcorn into the bowl, silently willing him to go back to the foyer so you could simmer in your embarrassment in peace but to your dismay, he doesn't leave.

"you're incredibly intelligent and hard-working. but if you don't give yourself a break sometimes, you're just going to burn out. i wish you'd come back to us sometimes. you can't ruin your present for your future," he says softly, and suddenly everything is just too much.

his words strike a chord in your mind somewhere and you can feel your strong front start to crumble.

you want to yell at him, scream that he had no right to tell you how to live your life and that you were going to lay in the pile of sins that you'd committed. but for some reason, all you can do is try and fight back tears.

it makes you feel so incredibly embarrassed that you'd worked so hard for the past two years to ensure that you'd never slip up. that your mistakes from freshman year and the first half of sophomore year wouldn't catch up to you.

you'd worked on yourself, working on controlling your lust for going out and having fun. on not getting affected by when people would ask you to come out with them, only to reject them for fear of what would happen to your academics. you'd worked on not showing any signs of being tired or scared of your future.

just to cry. just to cry here in front of donghyun in sanghyeok's kitchen. not in the privacy of your home where no one could see you. but the exact place in front of the exact person that you didn't want to see you cry at all.

you hastily wipe at your tears, willing them to stay in the confinement of your eyes before you could let them fall in a place that would deliver such a blow to your ego or your social standing.

donghyun is taken aback, you can tell by the way that his usually impassive face has a hint of worry written into the lines of his forehead that crinkle as he watches you try to put yourself together.

"can you give this popcorn to the others? i just need to use the restroom really quickly," you whisper hoarsely, not daring to look at donghyun in the eyes as you rush out of the kitchen, trying your best to look alright and conceal the fact that you were crying in front of the five other people in the foyer.

you know you're unsuccessful though when you hear footsteps growing louder and louder as they approached the bathroom and it takes every ounce of your strength to keep from crying harder.

"y/n? you okay? you looked kinda hurried going into the bathroom." it's dongmin, and you contemplate for a moment before slowly opening the bathroom door, pulling him in and he immediately wraps you into a hug as soon as he sees your tear-streaked face.

"i'm okay. i just really need a hug right now," you manage to warble out, and dongmin's arms just get tighter around your shoulders. you try to come down, steadying your breathing as you try to keep fresh tears from falling down your cheeks when a knock sounds at the door.

"it's me," donghyun says and you want to curse him out. you want to tell him to leave you alone. that you didn't want to talk to him and that you wanted him to stop judging you and your choices. instead, you lean over, breaking away from dongmin, to click open the bathroom door.

"i'm so sorry," he says softly and you shake your head, giving him a mirthless smile.

"i've just been super high-tension for the past couple of days with all of the submissions and i just - i just kinda fell apart. sorry you had to see that."

donghyun steps forward, and dongmin steps back, letting go of where his arm was resting on your shoulder.

"i didn't mean to make you feel bad, y/n. i was just worried about you. i know what it's like to feel that kind of pressure and i just hated to see one of my...friends in that level of stress," he continues, glancing at dongmin when he says the word friend, and dongmin steps around you in the tiny bathroom to reach the door.

"i'm gonna leave you two alone. don't do anything i would do," he warns with a stupid grin and despite the situation, you find yourself laughing, threatening to throw the toothpaste at him.

"he's so dumb," you say under your breath and donghyun watches you carefully.

"he's a good friend," he remarks and you nod, pulling at the toilet paper to wipe your tears away.

"he's the best friend i could ever ask for," you agree and donghyun's expression doesn't change but his demeanor grows a little more hesitant.

"we all thought you guys were gonna start dating, you know. i mean, he's the one person who stuck by you through everything," he confesses and you immediately shake your head, the very thought of it making you want to gag.

"dongmin and i? no way. he's my best friend but i could never see him as my boyfriend. we're more like siblings than any sort of romantic relation; i'd fax his soul directly to satan if he asked me for my fries but i'd give my kidney to him," you explain and donghyun relaxes a bit, leaning against the wall behind him as he watches you clean yourself up.

"he hasn't talked to you about how much stress you're putting on yourself?"

"i'm doing fine, donghyun. i really do appreciate that you have my best interests in mind but dongmin's the one who's been there for every single step i've made. if he doesn't think that there's an extreme cause for concern, no offense, but i really don't see why you do."

donghyun has nothing to say to that, and although he probably should, he doesn't feel hurt at all. you were right. donghyun knew you as an outsider, compared to dongmin and even sanghyeok, and didn't know how much stress (or lack thereof) there really was in your life.

but he couldn't explain why he was so worried or why he missed your old troublemaking tendencies so much. or why he missed your strange ideas of a good time or unnecessary dialogues during movie nights. he couldn't explain why he missed the heat of your body on cold nights or why he replayed that fateful night in his mind over and over again.

this was the first movie night that you'd been to in a while from donghyun's knowledge but what did he know? he was only at this movie night because dongmin invited the old freshman/sophomore year gang to start their friday movie nights tradition once more instead of them just being sanghyeok, you, and dongmin.

so when you slip past him, not only does donghyun find himself at a loss for words, but he also finds himself more confused than he had been before your conversation.

at least he could figure it (whatever it was) at jaehyun's party tomorrow.

+++

the one redeeming factor of your attendance of jaehyun's party in exchange for dongmin's sexcapades, in your opinion, was that it was not in fact hosted in a musty basement.

jaehyun had taken it upon himself to host his party in the penthouse of his apartment (rich people had the strangest ways of spending their money), which was definitely a step up from what you were expected.

unfortunately, the sheer number of people in that party who were present, on top of the number of people who were surprised at your presence was more than a little bit overwhelming.

you'd forgotten just how loud these parties got, and if you weren't already over the legal drinking age, you'd be extremely worried about being caught dead near this many drunk people.

not that you hadn't done your fair share of illegal consumption of ethanol but that was something you chose not to dwell upon.

"Y/N! I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH SINCE YESTERDAY!" you hear someone scream over the obnoxiously loud music, and immediately, your vision goes black as jaehyun bearhugs you, clearly too drunk to be fully present in the situation at hand.

"jaehyun! happy birthday!" you manage to squeak out, hitting dongmin in the arm to pry jaehyun off of you. you'd convinced dongmin to stick with you the whole time during the party in exchange for you actually showing up and he'd declared that he'd serve as your bodyguard during jaehyun's party for times like these.

"alright bud, i don't think she's ever gonna come back to a party if you squeeze her to death," dongmin warns jaehyun, peeling the energetic boy off of you. jaehyun pouts, not looking unlike his dog (the cutest golden retriever named juno) as he shakes his head stubbornly.

"no! she has to come back! she's so much fun! she's the life of the party!" he exclaims, searching through the throng of people for a cup of whatever nasty concoction you were sure sungho had come up with.

you should've known better than to come to this party, you lament. any of jaehyun's parties always turned into ragers from the absolutely insane number of people that he knew.

but soon enough, jaehyun is shoving a cup into your hand, the suspicious liquid in it sloshing around dangerously as he teeters backward into a tall figure.

"careful, dude. you don't want to end up in the emergency room on your birthday again," the figure says, catching jaehyun's body in his arm.

you internally groan. donghyun.

"ugh no. i hated going to the emergency room last year for my birthday," jaehyun whines with a strong tone of sheer pout staining his words.

"that's what i thought. where's sungho?" donghyun asks, and you figure that sungho must've been put on jaehyun duty for the night, as the man was a total lightweight and was known for endangering himself more than anyone else whenever he had a single drop of alcohol in his system.

"sungho! OH MY GOD SUNGHO!" jaehyun yells, slipping out of donghyun's grasp in search of his more than likely tired friend.

"that guy needs a girlfriend," dongmin sighs and you roll your eyes.

"why? so some poor girl can get tasked with dealing with jaehyun's mess every time he gets drunk?"

"nah. every time jaehyun gets a girlfriend, he turns into such a clean drunk it's crazy. i think he subconsciously feels bad that his girlfriend has to take care of him so he does it on purpose," donghyun explains and you hum, examining the substance in your cup with a critical eye.

you never knew that jaehyun had had a girlfriend. or more than one girlfriend at that. you were pretty close with jaehyun once upon a time. why hadn't he told you when he started dating someone? had you really become that out of touch with your friends?

all because you decided that you didn't want to party anymore?

no. that wasn't it. your friends weren't people like that. it was probably because you declined every single invitation that they'd extended to you to hang out with them.

a guilty weight settles in your chest as you start thinking about just how many times your friends had invited you to do things with them over the past year and a half. in the moment, you'd always had something that you needed to do. something to submit, something to do for extra credit, something to do to get better grades.

but now that you looked back on the past year and a half, you could only remember the events they'd invited you to, and just a handful of truly important assignments you'd needed to submit.

"you don't need to drink that," donghyun says, extending his hand for you to deposit the drink into. dongmin looks between you and donghyun, confused by the sudden offer. donghyun never went black knight for anyone else - much less women he wasn't all that close to.

even when you were a well integrated member of their friend group, you had never been particularly close to donghyun, from what dongmin remembered. the two of you were close enough to embark on drunken adventures separate from the group maybe once or twice but definitely not close enough to mention those adventures to dongmin in explicit detail.

not close enough for donghyun to drink a drink for you.

it's clear that you think the same thing (for different reason, however) when you lift the cup to your lips, staring at donghyun straight in the eyes as you tip your head back, drinking all of the contents of the cup in one straight go.

donghyun smirks, watching you drink the whole cup, aware that you were proving a point to him.

you don't need to keep trying to worry for me. i can handle myself.

the message is clear in your eyes as you lock eyes with him, wiping the excess liquid on your lips with the back of your hand, the challenge explicit in the way you look at him.

"too much pride is no good for you," donghyun quips and you roll your eyes.

"it's not pride. i just know that i can handle my alcohol. i don't need you to worry about me or worry about whether i can or not," you retort. "you worry about me when i study too much. you worry about me when i party. when are you not worried about me donghyun? why are you even so worried in the first place?"

"because we used to be good friends," donghyun counters but his argument isn't all that strong, by the way his voice wavers when you step a step too close to him - so close that he can smell the cinnamon of your perfume.

"were we? we were friends, sure. but were we good friends, donghyun? we just went out together. we hung out with the group but we weren't all that close. not...not until... not close enough for you to be suddenly popping back into my life with advice that i don't need and i didn't ask for!" you can't help but raise your voice, searching blindly for dongmin's arm and dragging him with you, chest heaving in anger as you storm away from donghyun.

"what the hell?" dongmin is left to ponder. "has the alcohol already kicked in?"

+++

"don't talk to me right now," you seethed, pushing at donghyun's chest as you walked faster towards the rest of your friends, somewhere further up the street, laughing and shoving each other.

"i don't even know what i did!" donghyun exclaimed, using those stupidly long legs so that he was walking backwards, face to face with you. "why are you so fucking mad at me?"

"you seriously don't know?" you yelled, and you saw dongmin turn around to see what was taking the two of you so long, unaware of the bomb he'd dropped, but he's turned back around just as fast by sungho, who had an extremely drunk jaehyun on his back and clearly needed dongmin's help carrying their lightweight friend who was a heavyweight in body weight when drunk.

"i seriously don't know!" donghyun repeated, his arms flying up to show you how frustrated he was. of course he didn't know. there was no way that he could know just how upset you were with his perfection. of course dongmin had to mention that donghyun had a 4.0 gpa. of course he could come out every night with you and your friends and still maintain that gpa.

of course he didn't have to worry about whether he would even get a job in the future because he'd failed a class or two. of course he could go out every night. of course he could drink his weight in alcohol and still function the next day. of course he could get any girl he wanted just by looking at them for a second too long.

"i hate you," you whispered, almost as if the words had escaped the dark recesses of your mind against your own will.

"what?" donghyun asked incredulously, swooping down to catch the noxious words falling from your painted lips.

"i said, i hate you." your eyes were fierce, shining with a dangerous light that donghyun had never expected from you and had never seen before. you looked like the picture of peril, a knife poised at his throat, threatening to draw blood.

it was an emotion that was so raw that donghyun found himself leaning even closer, absolutely intoxicated by the reckless way that you refuse to hide the challenge in your eyes.

"are you guys coming or what?" sanghyeok call out from where the rest of your friends were, some ten yards ahead of you. donghyun waved him off, his stare never leaving yours.

"we're going back to my place. i've gotta show y/n something," donghyun yelled back and you can't help the sneer that draws upon your lips and if donghyun weren't beyond turned on, he was sure that he would find it a little concerning.

it wasn't everyday, after all, that one of your good friends mentions that she despises you. especially not a good friend that you found incredibly attractive.

the rest of them turned back around, leaving you and donghyun to simmer in this strange energy. competition, charged with something else much more primal - anger and lust.

the entire walk to donghyun's place is silent. it was just a five minute walk from where you'd split from your friends but those five minutes feel excruciating as you feel a dark sense of excitement sit deep in your core, making you feel split in two directions.

the first direction was much more logical: you were jealous of donghyun's ability to handle it all and you wanted to just yell at him and scream until your throat went hoarse.

the second direction was stronger and much less logical: you were incredibly drawn to donghyun and you wanted him to fuck your throat until it went hoarse.

same end goal, but different ways of pursuit.

the second direction ends up winning out when you found yourself pressed up against donghyun's door the second you step out of the elevator and into his studio apartment, donghyun walking you backwards so that you shut the door with the movement.

his lips stayed tantalizingly close to yours as he reached up to lock the door, his hand falling down so that it was cupping your cheek and his eyes search yours, looking for any sign of discomfort.

"look, are you going to fuck me or not?" you whispered harshly and he barks out a laugh, his other hand moving from where it was resting by his side to caress your waist.

"you've got so much anger in you, y/n. what did i do for you to hate me so much?"

"does it matter? i'm telling you to fuck me. either i leave without a heart to heart and you can jerk yourself off or i leave without a heart to heart but you cum inside a pussy tonight instead of your hand," you bit back.

donghyun's breath was shallow as he assessed you, making sure that you were in the right mind and could make decisions for yourself. if you really knew what you were asking for.

the thought of it pissed you off.

"i just don't know if this is a good idea," he admitted and you straightened up, hand reaching next to you to turn the doorknob. you didn't need someone who was going to be so apprehensive. so now you weren't even good enough to fuck?

"i'm leaving then," you said donghyun's hand immediately covered your own, pulling it back and over his shoulder so that one of your hands was resting at the nape of his neck.

you circled the other one to link your arms around his neck, forcing him to bend even further so that he was eye level with you now, lips so close that he can practically taste the flavor of your lip gloss.

"do you want me to leave donghyun? do you think this a bad idea?" you asked, purposefully letting the venom of all of your emotions drip into your voice. you're being unfair, you knew that, but it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter when he was so close and yet so far from you and you couldn't even think straight.

"fuck you." his voice ghosted over your lips, and the two of you stayed like that for a moment, equally proud and unwilling to be the one to give in and kiss in the other.

but donghyun's patience clearly wasn’t as strong as your ego when his lips pressed against yours, too gentle for your taste. you wrapped your arms a little tighter around him, letting him rest his hands low on your back, still too careful.

"i said i hated you and this is the best retaliation you've got?" you whispered, and it's like a switch turns on in donghyun's brain. his hands leave their position on your back to cup your cheeks harshly, tilting your head up so he could kiss you deeper.

you sigh against his lips, a smirk tugging at your own as you finally achieve the level of animosity you were looking for. you didn't want to have sex with donghyun. you didn't want to make love with him.

you wanted to be fucked. ruined. unable to think straight.

which was why you let him kiss you stupid, your lips swollen from the force of his own. it was as though the two of you were inseparable; his hands roamed your body freely, claiming every square inch of it for himself.

he tugged you forward harshly, lips never detaching from yours, hands reaching lower and lower until they finally settled on your ass, and you couldn't help the shallow gasp that left your mouth when he squeezed experimentally, a cocky grin melting into your kiss when he hears the soft noise.

he turned the two of you so that you were walking backwards as donghyun walked you into his bedroom, finally pulling away when your knees buckled as they hit the bed, making you fall backwards onto it.

he didn't even give you a moment to think as his lips descended on you once more, even more insistent and rough than before as he let you slip his leather jacket off his body.

his lips left yours, descending further down your body until they reached the hem of your strapless top, leaving wet kisses and blooming bruises in a heady rush.

"y/n, you have to tell me if you want me to stop." donghyun's voice came out strained and you knew that he was exercising every bit of self control to keep from fucking you stupid.

unfortunately, that was exactly what you wanted from him.

"donghyun. i'm not going to say it again. fuck me stupid."

that was all he needed before he was practically ripping at your top, pulling it off of you harshly before diving in to suck hickeys down your chest, unbuttoning your jeans at the same time.

he tugged them off in one motion, leaving you in nothing but a bandeau bra and your underwear.

"thought you were gonna get lucky tonight?" he asked with an eyebrow raised as he looked at your panties - which were fortunately, and unfortunately, the sexiest ones that you owned. lacy and thin and everything.

"yeah. thought i was gonna finally fuck sunghoon park again. that man knows how to fuck a girl into the headboard," you retorted and you could tell that you'd gotten under your skin by the way that he reached forward to pull at the strap of your panties, letting the elastic snap against your waist with a painful sting.

"you're such a little brat. you need someone to fuck that attitude out of you. didn't know you had such a fucking dirty mouth on you," donghyun growls, and you would've come up with some equally as brutal response when donghyun pulled his shirt over his head with one hand.

you'd seen donghyun shirtless before. multiple times, honestly, with the number of times dongmin tries to pull you guys into random bodies of water whenever he got drunk. but seeing him in that moment felt like your blood was made of lava that was coursing through your body, rushing to settle in your core.

"you're so pretty but you're so bitchy sometimes, you know that?" donghyun taunted, hovering over you so that his gold necklace hit the bridge of his nose as he leaned over, pushing you up the bed so that your head hit the pillows.

"heard someone was gonna fuck the attitude out of me?"

donghyun smiled a wolfish smile, and pulled your underwear down, almost painfully slow as he watched you squirm, clearly unhappy with his pace.

he threw them behind him somewhere that you knew you were going to have to search for in the morning but it didn't matter in that moment.

no. all that mattered was that donghyun's lips were on your core, licking an experimental stripe, grinning proudly when he saw you shiver. he dove back in, enthused by the groans leaving your lips.

his lips were unrelenting, his tongue darting out to dip into your pussy, leaving you at his mercy. your hands reached out to tug on donghyun's hair insistently, incredibly overwhelmed by just how good he was making you feel.

"fuck. pull harder," he groaned, his hot breath fanning over your pussy, causing goosebumps to run up your spine.

you giggle, a sound that sounds out of place in such a situation, but you didn't care and obliged, pulling on his hair even harder. he groaned, leaning in to eat you out with even more vigor, his hands on your clit and rubbing at it in just the right motion. you'd laugh at his conflict if you weren't otherwise preoccupied with the hot ball of pleasure growing in your core.

donghyun watched you carefully as he pulled away, instead replacing his tongue with just one finger, waiting to see if you'd show any signs of discomfort. when you didn't, he moved his finger in and out slowly, adding another when he noticed you started to get impatient with his ministrations.

"trust me, there's nothing i want to do more than to fuck you dumb. but i can't do that if i can't be convinced that i'm not to break you in half with my cock," he whispered.

"i don't think you're big enough for that," you snarked back and donghyun just offered you a shit-eating grin and added another finger, watching for any sign that you might tap out. holy fuck. was he actually that fucking big?

he picked up the pace, fucking you faster and rougher, his fingers slipping out for just a moment as he adjusted himself so that he was laying next to you before continuing again at an even more brutal pace.

"fuck!" you can't help but yelp, one of your hands finding one of donghyun's, as his fingers move at almost mind-numbing speeds.

"i told you someone needed to fuck the attitude out of you. now look what you've done to yourself," he crowed almost condescendingly. if you weren't so blinded by the sheer pleasure of his fingers, you'd probably cuss him out.

"fuck, fuck, fuck! fuck donghyun i think i'm gonna cum!" you cried out.donghyun simply nodded at you, and you took that as a sign to cum. but just as you start to feel yourself topple over the edge of the cliff you were standing on into the pit of pleasure, donghyun rips your pleasure away from you.

he pulled his fingers out of your pussy, watching you squirm and convulse as your hips bucked pathetically, searching for some way to taste the pleasure you were so close to attaining.

"baby doll, you should've known better than to assume that i'd let you cum for the first time on my fingers rather than my cock," donghyun preened mockingly, kicking his own jeans off in the same motion as his briefs.

"fuck you, donghyun." it was all you managed to conjure up through your tears as you tried to catch your breath, only to have to wind knocked out of you once more when you caught sight of donghyun's cock.

"oh hell no, that's not going inside my pussy," you gasped, and donghyun smiled despite himself, and ran his fingers over your hair gently.

"it's big but that's why i prepped you so much, isn't it?" his tone makes it clear that there's no real question in his words. you were the one who'd said you wanted to be fucked stupid. donghyun was the one to make good on that wish.

"just go slow," you grumbled and donghyun nodded, lining up at your entrance carefully.

"can't promise that i'll go slow for too long - fuck!" donghyun cut himself off as he slipped the tip of his dick into your hot core and immediately, both of you let out a groan.

if just his tip was enough to make you feel a stretch after he ate you out and fingered you, you had no idea how you were going to fit the rest of him inside you.

if just the entrance of your pussy was enough to have donghyun's head spinning, he had no idea how he was going to fit the rest of him inside you without immediately coming.

he slid in slowly, forearms resting on either side of your face for stability, that stupid gold chain smacking you in the face with his every slight movement.

it would feel degrading if you weren't turned on beyond belief, you were pretty sure.

"god," you let out softly and donghyun couldn't help but agree as he sheathed himself completely inside you. if donghyun would be allowed to see the pearly gates of heaven, he was vaguely sure that it would feel a lot like this.

"tell me when i can move," he grit out, exercising his self-control to the fullest he's ever had to.

"you can move," you whimpered, equally close to losing your mind.

he pulled out so that just the tip was in your pussy before snapping his hips forward, knocking the breath out of you with the motion. he continued that agonizingly slow until both of you got fed up, and finally picked up the pace.

"your pussy is perfect, you know that?" he growled, fucking into you with fluid and quick motions that make you feel as though you've established permanent residence on cloud nine.

"you're not too bad yourself," you huffed out and a short breath leaves donghyun as his movements grow harsher.

"clearly i'm not doing a good job of fucking you stupid if you can respond to me," he said.

he made good on his promise that night, fucking into you deep and rough until you both came in a symphony of moans, chests heaving as he collapsed next to you, utterly spent.

maybe if you'd said something other than what you did in that moment, things wouldn't have turned out this way. but the reality was that it was those words that ultimately dug you into your grave.

you finally spoke some ten minutes later, when your brain wasn't so fuzzy you didn't know where to pick words from.

"i wish you weren't so fucking perfect, donghyun. i just can't...just forget this happened. please. it's not like we're going to get into a relationship because of this. and i don't want to face our friends right now. so just forget any of this happened."

you'd gathered your clothes and dashed out of his apartment, the buzz from earlier in the night completely gone, along with any chance of donghyun ever figuring out why from that day onwards, you'd started completely avoiding your friends and your past, running towards a future you so desperately wanted to grasp, even if you didn't know how to.

and as he fell back against his sheets, facing the ceiling, donghyun realized just one thing: something in you had changed. but was it for the better or for the worse?

+++

dongmin lets out a low whistle, followed by a crinkle of his nose.

"you could've let out the explicit details, you know," he bemoans, pressing his hands over his ears, as though he could reverse time and delete the story you'd revealed to him from his mind by doing so.

"you said you wanted to the whole truth on why i was being so bitchy to dongmin," you point out and dongmin inclines his head towards you, pulling his knees a little closer to his chest.

"you were kinda unnecessarily bitchy, though, you have to admit. but what i really asked was why donghyun decided to go all black knight on you, to which i still haven't received a proper explanation.," dongmin corrects and you shrug, accepting the packet of gummy bears that dongmin had produced from his back pocket.

in freshman year, you'd become infamous for chasing your shots of vodka (the only alcohol you chose to drink, other than whiskey) with candy and ever since then, at least one of your friends would always carry a packet of some sort of sweet candy on them for you.

"you brought gummy bears for me?" you ask, touched as you rip the packet open, the perfect level of fuzziness buzzing through your head.

"sungho brought gummy bears for you," dongmin says softly and you look at him surprisedly. "when i told him you were coming to jaehyun's party, he told me that he needed to be prepared. they all miss hanging out with you and going out with you, you know."

"they miss hanging out with who i used to be. i don't think that they'd want to hang out with me now," you snort and dongmin immediately slaps your knee, shaking his head.

"you've gotta stop doing that."

"doing what?"

"doing the whole 'woe is me' act when you just grew up. we all grew up, y/n. maybe you haven't seen it because you've been so busy in your own world, trying to make up for the past but we've all grown up right besides you," dongmin rants, getting up from where he was sitting on your balcony, starting to pace back and forth.

"when you pulled away from us, you know how confused we all were? it was like one day, you were laughing and making jokes with us and the next day, you suddenly hated us. you stopped coming to our hangouts, stopped initiating plans, fuck, you didn't even come to sungho's birthday last year!

"we thought that we did something to piss you off. we interrogated donghyun for weeks but he was just as confused as the rest of us. and then i realized just how lonely you were by yourself. you think i didn't notice how you'd watch us hangout in the library without you? about how you left that stupid neck pillow for sanghyeok when you saw him staying up late studying? or when you paid for jaehyun's coffee when you knew he was having a bad day?

"i was the only one who saw all that. so when everyone asked me when i didn't drop you like you dropped us, i didn't know how to explain that you didn't drop us, but you were just going the wrong way about chasing after your future. i didn't want to out you and make you feel as though you needed to stop taking care of everyone behind their backs because i still wanted you to be with us.

"we all cared about you so much. that's why i've been here the whole time. i've been the only one in front of you but the same way that you've been taking care of everyone else, everyone has been taking care of you. who do you think lends me his car whenever i need to come to your place because you're having a bad day and need a shoulder to cry on? sanghyeok. who always keeps the pantry stocked with your favorite snacks in case you might come around one day? sungho.

"who always points out clothing whenever we go shopping and says 'y/n would love this shirt!', just to get upset when he realized you weren't there to respond? jaehyun. who would always nudge me to go and check on you because he was worried that you were putting too much stress on yourself? donghyun. even jihyo and jayoon ask about you and keep asking us if maybe you'd come over more often since there were more girls hanging out with us now.

"i'm not telling you all this because i want you to feel bad. i just needed to tell you because we've all been caring about you this whole time but you've just never let us in, when we've been knocking at the door, just waiting for you to finally open the door. and you just won't because you're so scared of coming back to us!" his chest is heaving at the end of his rant and you can't help it, leaping to your feet as you let your voice grow louder and louder, scratchy with emotion.

"i am scared dongmin! i'm so fucking scared, i can't even think straight! i miss all of you so much and i'm so scared that i'll fall into the trap of loving you all so much that that's all i spend my time doing and i'll neglect all of the hard work i've been putting in for so long to reverse the mistakes of my past!" you scream and dongmin steps even closer, clearly not backing down from this fight.

"and what kind of future are you going to have when you turn around and see that we've all moved on without you? i can't fucking move on without you because you're like my sister; i can't imagine a life without you but what about everyone else? how long do you think everyone's gonna be waiting for you?"

"i didn't ask them to wait for me!" you shout and dongmin runs his hand through his hair frustratedly, turning so that you wouldn't see the anger on his face.

"BUT THEY DID! THEY ALL DID! they all waited for you because they - we all love you, you stubborn piece of shit! all you had to do was tell us you were feeling this way! all you had to fucking do was talk to us and ask for help. but you pushed us away when you needed us most and now look!" dongmin points at the empty space around you, forcing himself to overlook your watery eyes. "look at who's here besides me? you know jaehyun would've wrapped you in a hug, that sungho would've immediately offered to study with you. that sanghyeok would've stayed up with you, even if he didn't need to. that i would sneak food into the library with you! that donghyun would literally sit down and tutor you if you needed him to."

he swallows when you finally break down, sobs wracking your body as your fists clench into balls at your sides, stubbornly refusing to take the one step you would need to for dongmin to wrap you into a safe hug, like the ones that jaehyun always gave you.

but it's okay, because dongmin takes that step for you, wrapping you in a tight hug that makes you finally feel like you can take a breath through the tears that feel like are choking you from inside out.

"i just wanted to be good enough for all of you. i wanted to come back when i was good enough and i thought i could be someone everyone wanted to be around if i was good enough," you sob and dongmin can feel his heart break as his embrace grows tighter.

"you're good enough the way that you are, y/n. you know how much you've inspired everyone? i've even started studying for tests the day before the test, instead of the hour before!" dongmin exclaims, feeling a little more relaxed when he hears you laugh through your sobs.

"that's not much better," you warble and dongmin just shrugs, never letting go of you.

"it's better than the hour before the test."

"dongmin? for the record, i don't think that i'm the only one who grew up. i know that everyone grew up. i just..."

"i know."

"i wish you were my actual brother."

"if i was your actual brother, i probably would've spit on you by now."

"what the hell."

+++

you wait nervously in dongmin's room as you hear people begin to file into the apartment, a jumble of familiar voices as jihyo and jaehyun begin bickering once again about something or another.

it was just a matter of time before the two of them started dating, you figured.

dongmin was betting on three weeks and you were betting on three months. something about the slow-burn of it all was appealing to you. dongmin insisted that fanfiction was just rotting your brain.

you let out a breath of air and dongmin flicks you on the side of your head, and you fix him with a mean glare as you rub the spot that he'd hit.

"they're just your friends, y/n. you don't need to be that nervous. you've been looking forward to this all week," he reminds you and you just nod, still rubbing the spot.

after the emotional conversation/argument with dongmin last week, you'd asked to come to the next movie night, wanting to start spending more time with your friends. and although you knew that it wouldn't be the exact same as it once was, it would never be and that was a good thing.

balance was a good thing.

"dongmin? where are you, motherfucker? i can't believe you made me buy you three different types of sour gummies, fatass!" you hear sanghyeok yell from the other room and dongmin takes this as his cue to drag you into the room with him.

"i only wanted one type. y/n wanted the other two. still wanna call me a fatass?"

dongmin doesn't get an answer to his question because no sooner has he said the words do jihyo and jaehyun bound over to you (not looking too much unlike juno) and wrapping you into nearly bone-crushing hugs.

"dongmin told us that you were going to be more available to hang out with us more and more and these two - " sungho cuts himself off to grab jaehyun by the scruff and jihyo by the collar of her shirt. " - have been a little too excited since he said so."

"we've missed you so much!" jihyo exclaims.

"you saw her last week," jaehyun mutters, groaning when jihyo smacks him upside the head.

"so did you but that didn't stop you either, now did it?"

"you're such a little bi - "

"alright. let's stop while we're ahead and just be happy that y/n's back with us, how about that?" dongmin proposes, the voice of reason for once in his life. jihyo and jaehyun exchange a dirty look (albeit, a very childish one) before the two of them sit down, leaving just you and dongmin standing awkwardly, as though you were about to give a presentation.

"uh. thanks for having me back guys. i kinda don't know what to say other than the fact that i'm sorry for leaving so abruptly. i struggled with hanging out with you guys and balancing a good gpa on top of that so i made some really stupid choices but i promise that i won't hide those stupid choices from you guys anymore. i just - i've just really missed you guys." your little speech clearly moves more than one person to tears but before jaehyun can try to deliver death by hug once more, sanghyeok claps his hands, pulling up some streaming platform or another on the television.

"thanks for that touching speech, y/n. now if you could get the fuck out of the way, we need to vote on a movie. your vote only counts as half a vote since you've missed more than two movie nights but you're welcome to rally for full membership after attendance of two more movie nights," sanghyeok announces and you roll your eyes, before looking for a spot.

dongmin's caught up in some conversation about that girl from your class with jayoon (undoubtedly doing some background research; as if he could find out anything that would make him actually keep it in his pants) and everyone else's spot is taken, leaving just an empty space next to donghyun.

i'm a big girl. i don't need to sit next to dongmin for everything. donghyun is still your friend at the end of the day. that you fucked. and was the last time that you had sex. and was also the best sex you'd ever had. but just a friend! haha. just a friend.

not the best dialogue to be running through one's mind during their re-debut into civil society (read: friend group) but you manage to divert your mind before it delves into dangerous territory.

"we're still friends," donghyun murmurs from beside you and you turn, despite your common sense telling you otherwise, to see him looking at you with the most genuine and twinkly eyes that you have to swallow and force yourself to turn once more to face the television set.

"yeah. friends," you repeat, softer than he'd said it and you can feel his stupidly sweet gaze on the side of your face.

+++

spending more time with your friends was nothing like how you thought it would be. for starters, it turned out that your friends themselves didn't have too much time to use as expendable time to just fuck around, like you used to in freshman year.

as juniors and seniors, most of your friends were occupied with their classes and their work, as opposed to the lighter coursework in earlier years. on top of that, many of them were either in relationships or were pursuing someone (or many someones, in dongmin's case) so there was more time eaten up by that as well.

but the time that all of you did spend together was much more domestic. equally as chaotic, as you'd discovered when you'd gone grocery shopping with just jaehyun and jihyo and no adult supervision from sungho (who'd trusted you to be the adult supervision), but less shenanigans than before.

instead of finding street signs to steal off the road to stash in dorm rooms, the friendship that had developed between your friends had gotten much more real, and there were more nights that you can count where at least one of you was staying up late to finish something so the rest of you were stuck helping them.

even staying up late to finish projects was more comforting with the presence of your friends, though, and you were so grateful that you'd come back to them. that they'd accepted you with open arms.

you'd had conversations with each of them one on one at some point or another, detailing why you'd left them so abruptly and asking for forgiveness but more often than not, you'd just gotten scolded for ever thinking that they wouldn't give you a chance to explain yourself.

"you were such a good friend to us for so long," sanghyeok had said. "you don't think we would just drop you when you're going through a rough patch, right?"

of course, that had led to another round of tears (which jayoon witnessed and went ham on sanghyeok for making you cry, which made you cry even harder because god, what country had sanghyeok saved for such an amazing girlfriend) but that was besides the point.

in fact, you'd made amends with pretty much everyone except for donghyun. you could see him waiting for you - waiting for you to reach out to him and explain yourself like you'd done so with everyone else, but for some reason, you just couldn't.

partly out of guilt, but also partly out of shame. you just couldn't help but avoid him.

it was easy to do so when it was all of you, since you could always rely on dongmin and sanghyeok to keep your attention otherwise occupied. but when it was just the two of you, after everyone has left the library to do things other than study for their innumerable tests, you can always feel the apology bubbling in your chest, threatening to break free.

but it never does. it never does and you know you're going to regret it.

you didn't have romantic feelings for donghyun, no. but he was someone that you could develop romantic feelings for and someone like that didn't deserve to think that you just hated him for no reason. because just going off of what had happened last year, donghyun really had no reason to think that you felt any emotion towards him other than hatred. and your actions prior to making amends with your friends didn't do much to dissuade that thought either.

which is why you didn't understand why he was still treating you with so much kindness. you were fairly sure that he wasn't head over heels in love with you or anything (especially since he's also had a good many girlfriends ever since your encounter) but you also couldn't come up with any other reason for his understanding.

he'd been the first one out of everyone to come and actually talk to you, four months ago in that study room, even at the risk of you pushing him away once more. he was the one that was most likely to be pushed away and he still looked after you, cared for you, and worried for you.

"you don't have feelings for me, do you?" you blurt out, immediately slapping a palm over your own mouth. donghyun looks up from the tablet his taking notes on with furrowed eyebrows.

"what?" he asks incredulously and you furiously shake your head, looking rather comical with your hand still covering your mouth.

"nothing. forget i said anything." you wince as you look back down at your book, ensuring that the references lined up with direct quotations as you mentally bash yourself. stupid, stupid, stupid. so you won't say that you're sorry but you'll do this? just be grateful no one else is here to see this catastrophe.

"i don't have feelings for you," he clarifies and you nod, unable to meet his eyes. of course he didn't have feelings for you. that would be so dumb. when you didn't have feelings for him, why should he have feelings for you? right?

so why did your heart just feel the tiniest bit tight in your chest?

"i don't have feelings for you but i used to search for you in every single party. even before we...we did whatever we did that night. i used to always look for you first. and i always used feel so happy just looking at you smile," he says. you look up, confused by his statement now. donghyun's looking right at you with those horribly confusing, glittery eyes and you feel your breath catch in your throat for a split second.

"what?"

"i said i don't have feelings for you. but when you pulled away from all of us, i just couldn't help but think if i did something wrong. if i did something to push you away. and i realized that i would rather have you hate me, i would rather have you push me away every time i come close, or even use me to vent your stress however you need rather than have you walk away once and for all," he continues and you feel that same tightness in your chest as he speaks, heat rising up your spine as it sits uncomfortably in your cheeks.

"i just wish you'd stayed that night. i could've convinced you to tell me all your fears and all your worries and i could've just gotten rid of them for you instead of you holding onto them for so long in your own mind," he finishes and you sit there in silence, unable to piece together any thoughts.

"so, uh, you don't have any feelings for me?" you confirm and donghyun rolls his eyes, and for just a split-second you see the dangerous glint that you remember from that night.

"you're an english lit major and you can't tell that i'm telling you that i have feelings for you?" donghyun teases and you just stare at him dumbly.

"i thought you said that you didn't have feelings?"

"and you said that you hated me."

"i don't hate you."

"i know."

and that's all the confirmation you need to spring forward from your seat, pressing a kiss to donghyun's lips. just as soft and as perfect as you'd remembered.

he reaches forward to cup your cheek, molding his lips against yours gently as you try to pour every single emotion you can into a single kiss.

"i don't hate you," you whisper, leaning your forehead against his, still standing up somewhat awkwardly due to the desk in between the two of you.

"i know," he repeats. "and i know that you don't feel the same way as i do. not as strongly as i do, at least. and i just want you to know that i'll wait."

"you'll wait for me?" you assure and donghyun nods, his hand reaching up to pat your head gently.

"i'll wait for you to take me back as a friend first and then we can figure out the rest."

"what if i'm never ready to put a label on our relationship?"

"then i'll just be here with you. i don't need a label for my feelings."

+++

it's not perfect. for all his perfection, donghyun kim had heaps of flaws. he was surprisingly 'needy' and felt anxious when you weren't with him for extended periods of time.

and when jaehyun, sanghyeok, and sungho graduated, you realized that it extended to far more than just you. for someone so stoic and poised, it turned out that donghyun was extremely soft-hearted and could care for nothing more than to have his loved ones around him for as long as he could hold onto them for.

it proved to be a little difficult, given that after your departure from your friend group, you'd gotten used to a certain level of independence and affinity for your own personal space that donghyun just didn't understand sometimes. but the two of you worked on it, because you loved each other even as just friends too much to not work on it.

there'd been points where you were sure that the two of you would just have to be friends and move on with life because of how hard it all was. you could never let go of donghyun fully; all of you were just too great of friends to ever be able to keep out of each other's lives completely.

but all's well that ends well, and you and donghyun learned to work through those issues. your affinity for running away when things got rough and donghyun's tendency to latch on harder every time you guys faced an issue was something that took months of serious discussion and communication to get through.

dongmin was the mediator more than once whenever the two of you got into arguments (you exploding at donghyun and donghyun just sitting quietly, making you even more upset before the two of you calmed down and worked things out) and it helped to have him around.

the one good thing was that your relationship, however imperfect it was, spurred dongmin to start to settle down and look for a girlfriend himself.

much to your happiness, and dongmin's chagrin, there weren't many girls on campus willing to date someone with such a reputation but that just meant that dongmin put in more effort to convince them that he was a changed man.

it was a good look on him, you'd told donghyun one day. dongmin suited having someone in his life that he had to work to please and someone who liked him regardless of his clumsy attempts at love and cared for him fully.

the three (four, when dongmin met his girlfriend) of you stuck together throughout the rest of college. there were still uncountable numbers of allnighters trying to make sure that you were maintaining your grades but it turns out, you could balance both having fun and being academically strong.

you could spend time with your friends and your boyfriend without having to worry about whether you'd be able to secure a job after college because of your gpa. it was nice, not feeling like there was a huge demon breathing down your neck every time you needed to sit down and study.

it'd taken you a long time to get there, but like all good things, with the help of your loved ones and with some self-work, you developed a healthy relationship with studying and a work-life balance.

oh! and you did end up getting a job. your dream job. right out of college. everyone had been so proud, just like you knew they'd be.

and just like that, years had passed by in the blink of an eye.

the five of you made it a point to reunite at least twice a year, since most of you were in the same country (other than sanghyeok and jayoon, who'd relocated back to south korea to take care of their parents after they got married). even five to six years later, when all of you were reaching the end of your twenties and entering the next phase of life, nothing changed.

"JAEHYUN MYUNG, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME BACK THE TV REMOTE!" jihyo screams from downstairs, and you hear loud footsteps as jaehyun undoubtedly keeps the remote withheld from her.

"i can't believe they're the parents to two children," you snort, blowing on your nails to dry them quicker.

"i can. all that fighting energy has to go somewhere," donghyun retorts and you roll your eyes. he had a point.

"you've got a point. we've been on vacation for three days and they're already in their fourth argument. well. i guess it's just flirting to them," you contemplate, extending your hand to examine your handiwork.

"you thought that fighting was flirting back in college too," donghyun reminds you and you shake your head, looking at donghyun. and just like usual, he's already looking at you, head tucked into his fist as he lies on the bed that the two of you had slept in together for the past five years (vacation was hosted by your family this year).

"it clearly worked on you," you fire back and donghyun smiles a giddy smile.

"you're my weakness. anything you give me works on me," he says in a lovestruck voice and the laugh that escapes you is a real, full-bellied one.

"god. you're such a dork; i love you so much," you sigh, getting up and walking over to where he's lying, climbing onto the bed to wrap your arms around him.

"yeah? wanna channel our energy into making a few babies?" he teases with a greasy tone of voice and squiggly eyebrows.

"you're incorrigible."

"you love it."

"i love it," you agree, leaning forward to press a sweet kiss to his lips. you'd liked the darker sides of donghyun and there would always be a side of you that got giddy whenever you saw that side of him.

but you'd always love this more. soft, reassuring, and unconditional love. from him to you and you to him. neither of you needed perfection. you just needed each other. husband and wife. you didn't need those labels, and you'd believed donghyun when he said that he didn't need them for his love either. but it was nice, having everyone know that you had each other for life.

"ARE YOU WHORES COMING OR NOT? WE'RE GONNA START WATCHING WITHOUT YOU!" dongmin yells from downstairs, and you can vaguely hear his fiancée slapping him on the chest and knowing her, she was definitely telling him to shut up and let the two of you make her a niece or nephew.

you laugh, grabbing your husband's hand and leading him downstairs to plop down next to your friends. someone shoves a bucket of popcorn into your arms and you realize how grateful you were for all of the people in your life.

and how glad you were that you'd decided to forge a new path for yourself with your loved ones and with your newfound confidence in yourself.

love and life are always easier with friends and family, after all.

#jnnul #leehan x reader #boynextdoor x reader #leehan smut #onedoornet #leehan fluff #leehan fic #leehan angst #leehan imagines #boynextdoor imagines #bonedo x reader #bnd x reader #bnd fluff #bnd imagines #bnd smut #bnd angst

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stayinhellevator · 7 months ago

Text

Intersection

"And now you're just a page torn from the story I'm living"

Synopsis: A twisted turn of events lead you to question everything you've ever known of Mingyu.

Pairing: Mingyu x fem!Reader

Genre: Soulmate AU/Angst/Betrayal

Word Count: 2723

Warnings: Cuss words, non-graphic description of s3x, probably bad writing, cheating

Playlist: Dynasty ~Miia

All your life, the concept of soulmates was romanticised and worshipped. You had friends who were happily bonded, co-workers who found peace in their mates, hell even your parents were truly a match made in heaven; their relationship was such an inspiration for you that it made you crave that kind of intimacy and understanding with yours. The way they understood each other with just a knowing look made you respect their bond. You wanted what they had.

And you got it and more when you found Mingyu through some mutual friends and discovered that you two were soulmates. You were over the moon to have found a man so gorgeous inside out. You were scared that he was only a glittery sham but he swept you right off your feet.

There was not a day that passed by that Mingyu failed to make your life seem like a fairy tale. Sure you had your share of arguments and disagreements but in the end, you two ended up right back in each other's arms, where you two truly belonged. He made your heart race every single moment and there was no place that you'd rather be if not beside Mingyu.

There's nothing else you could possibly want.

Or maybe there is.

You watched the way Seokmin and his soulmate naturally gravitated towards each other, practically glowing with a giddy aura around them and you couldn't wait for the day when Mingyu and you were standing on the altar, exchanging vows of your own, just like them.

And you knew it would be equally, if not more, magical the day that you do, for your life with Mingyu was like a fruitful reward for all the sufferings of your past lives. It had to be because there's no way you'd be blessed with a partner like Mingyu, who seemed to love you more than life itself.

Your wandering eyes fell on another pair that you recognised and your heart filled with sympathy for them. Mingyu once shared Seungcheol's dilemma with you and you remember quickly sending a quick prayer to whatever God blessed you because you couldn't imagine being bondless and then finding love in someone who's meant for someone else, alone your own sibling. Thank God you had Mingyu who loved and accepted you without any inhibitions.

As if feeling your gaze on them, his lover met your eyes and you two exchanged a perceptive smile, completely aware of each other's expressions and feelings. You truly wished for them to find happiness, they were good people or at least from what Mingyu told you and you trusted him. He had known Seungcheol through work before you two had even met, so obviously he knew better than you when it came to his friends and you completely trusted his judgement.

Speaking of which, it had been nearly half an hour since Mingyu disappeared with some colleagues for a few drinks. God you hope he didn't get drunk, he was already tipsy before he left. You turned down towards the hallway, aware that you need to find Mingyu soon for he becomes a real piece of work when drunk, refusing to part even an inch from you, sulking if you don't give into his bizarre wishes.

All of a sudden, a strenuous sensation gripped your chest, as if someone was squeezing your heart and then mangled it. It made you lean against the wall and rub your chest, hoping to soothe the discomfort. A drop of blood fell on your knuckle, making you realise that you had a nosebleed too.

What the hell was this? You had never felt something like this before. Was it something that you ate? Or drink? But you didn't drink too much. Oh God! What if something happened to Mingyu? Was he okay? You had several stories of a soulbond being affected if a bonded mate is injured or sick.

Gosh! You needed to find him without any delay.

You spotted a guest room right across you, the door ajar and seemingly vacant so you decided to use the washroom to clean off the blood of your face and clothes only to halt at the threshold, unable to process the sight that you witnessed.

A man that had a striking resemblance to Mingyu was all over a woman; their lips locked in a frenzy, their hands wandering to forbidden places and their hips conjoined and moving in short, quick thrusts.

The man moved his kisses down the woman's neck; the woman you knew all too well as Mingyu's ex-girlfriend and colleague, who though mutually broke up, was always having eyes for your soulmate, often throwing a few flirty remarks here and there, uncaring about your presence and soon enough you had learnt to ignore her because Mingyu hadn't given you any reason to not trust him, had he? He loved you and only you so why should you even bother?

It couldn't be your Mingyu, no, you were probably hallucinating. Mingyu would never cheat on you, he cannot even think of hurting you like that even in his wildest dreams.

The trickling tears down your cheeks angered you. Why were you even crying over a misunderstanding? You harshly wiped your cheeks, almost walking out when she moaned out his name, loud and clear, sealing the fated doom of your soul bond and the remainder of your life with it.

"Gyu!"

You helplessly watch as he groaned in what you know for sure, ecstasy as his vigour only fueled further. You wanted to look away but you couldn't, hoping this nightmare would end and you'd wake up back in the safety of your bedroom in Mingyu's arms. You had hoped that her voice calling out a name that only you did would snap him out of whatever trance he seemed to be in and he'd realise that this wasn't you but some other woman. But it didn't.

You could feel it creeping up in you, the anger, an intense, uncontrollable hateful rage the longer you watched them and before your brain could even process, your hands had already picked up the vase on the hallway table and hurled it towards those cheating bastards, apathetic of the force inflicting any serious injury. In fact, you wanted it to hurt, you wanted them to bleed just as much as your heart was.

No, you wouldn't be the only one to end up hurting tonight.

You watched as the two flinched at the sudden attack as the vase bumped onto Mingyu's head with a thud, that was sure to bruise, before bouncing off to his cheating accomplice, hitting her right in the face, making her cry out in agony.

Good! Die in pain and burn in hell.

"I hope you had a good fuck Kim Mingyu because this is the last time you feel anything."

You watched how Mingyu's face contacted in rage as he turned to face the intruder only to turn pale in horror as he realised you saw him being unfaithful to you. He jumped off the bed, fumbling over his clothes and putting them on haphazardly, increasing your disgust and fury. You swear you wanted to kill him and then yourself, such was your temper that was building up and consuming you. You dug your nails in your knuckles, wishing it'd distract you for a moment.

"Baby, I swear it's not like that. I ..I don't even know how I ended up here... It just happened...."

You wanted to believe him and you would have disillusioned yourself into thinking he made a drunken mistake, such was your love for him, if he wasn't sober. And that alone shattered your heart into further tiny irreplaceable bits. What excuse would you make up in your head to put your brain into a delusion that this never happened and that your Mingyu was in love with you. Only you.

"I can't believe you Mingyu. Why?"

You watched Mingyu visibly shrink as your exhausted question echoed in the silence of the room.

"I ..I don't know baby..I ..I have no excuses for this.... I'm so sorry baby.... Love...I will make it up to you I swear...."

The more he spoke, the more you wanted to hurt him. How dare he even have the audacity? How would he make it up to you? What would he make up when nothing is left to be repaired?

You watched as he tried to hold your shaking hands in his only for you to violently jerk his hold off you.

"Don't you dare fucking touch me with your disgusting hands."

You appalled scream froze him to his place as tears cascaded down his face as the horrifying effect of his infidelity finally settled inside him. His touch, his face, his whole fucking existence nauseated you so much you couldn't stand to even look at him any longer than you already have.

You ran past the guests outside the venue, quickly texting your brother to come and pick you up because you knew your body was slowly giving up and in no time, you'd shut down.

A hand pulled you back around through the elbow as you realised Mingyu had chased you and pulled you to his chest, holding you by the cheeks.

"It wasn't meant to go this far, I swear baby, we were just catching up by the bar and the next thing I knew we were in bed together. It doesn't mean anything to me. She doesn't mean anything to me. It's you love I swear. Please don't go. I don't want to lose you."

"For someone who doesn't want to lose me, you don't act like you want to keep me."

His face portrayed his helplessness as he sobbed in disbelief which made you scoff in disdain. Did he really think his pathetic excuse of a reason was enough for you to stay and torment yourself for the rest of your life?

"This was a huge mistake love and it'll never happen again. I promise you."

You pushed him off you, making him tumble a few steps back.

"Damn right it won't because I won't stay around to find out if it does."

You only managed to take a few steps ahead when he ran around you to block your way. AGAIN!

"Baby please don't leave me. You don't understand. I'll die without you."

The wrath that was bubbling up within you every single second finally erupted at his audacious words. How dare he play the victim? You landed an impactful punch on his chest, sending him a few steps away from yourself, wanting to have an outlet was the ever increasing rage inside you.

"I don't understand? YOU don't understand Mingyu how heartbroken it is to have your trust broken by the one person you blindly put your faith in. YOU don't understand how humiliated I feel as I'm unable to face my own thoughts because I still can't process you could ever cheat on me in your friend's wedding venue. YOU don't understand how angry I feel at myself for still hoping you'd have a valid enough excuse for me to take your unfaithful ass back. YOU don't understand that all I see when I look at you now is not the countless good memories of us but you kissing and touching another woman the way you should've only done to me."

You could hear your voice dampening with every sentence as the weight of those vulnerable words settled between you two in the hollow night as sobs wrecked your fatigued body. Where did it all go wrong?

"Where did I lack Mingyu? What was it that I couldn't give to you? Why couldn't you tell me if I didn't satisfy you enough? What could I have done differently for you to not disgrace our bond like this?"

All your rage boiled down to cries as hopelessness washed all over your senses. You had endlessly and limitlessly given yourself to him and you still weren't enough? All those cherished moments between you two didn't mean anything to him? Your sacred bond reduced and succumbed to a one night stand. Was this your worth?

"It wasn't you baby. You are everything to me. There's nothing wrong with you. It's me...I'm stupid and selfish and undeserving of a goddess like you. Please, please forgive me love. I'd do anything to gain your forgiveness. Please!"

You watched as he fell down to his knees in front of you but even the pitiful sight of him tearfully begging you couldn't erase the sight of him buried inside her; the one that made you feel like an outsider in your own relationship.

"There's nothing you could do to mend us back Mingyu. We're done."

Even as you cried, you could slowly feel the emotions inside you hollowing into nothingness, an apathy was starting to wrap around your brain, numbing your thoughts.

"No no no this can't be the end of us. Not like this baby....we...we are soulmates.. We're meant to be... We can't be without one another.... Please...I love you...I love you so much....."

His confession should've thawed your heart, broken the barriers of numbness that your brain was building, reminded you of the kisses you shared when you first confessed your love for each other and warmed your heart, instead it made you want to throw up in your mouth for these words didn't mean anything to you anymore.

"But not enough to refrain from jumping into bed with every other woman that you see."

His shoulders slumped with defeat as he realised he was fighting a losing battle because your mind was slowly pushing itself into nothingness. There really was no turning back.

You willed yourself to walk away from him and turned round the next corner, right in time to empty out the contents in your guts, till you were left dry heaving and sobbing. You wanted to control yourself till you were safely home, where no one can find you and embarrass you but it was too much. Everything was too much. Your head was throbbing, your chest was constructing, your muscles ached, your brain had stopped working and your thoughts were a jumbled mess. Too much! Someone needed to stop all this.

Someone held your hair up simultaneously rubbing your back, trying to provide you some comfort. Gosh you didn't want anyone to see like this, all vulnerable and pathetic, only to find it was your sibling.

"Johnny!"

Your brother brought you to his chest, making your head slump in weariness and you felt his arms tighten around you securely.

"Ssh! I'm here.

You closed your eyes, hoping to muster as much strength as your brother could provide.

"It's all over John. I'm done."

You were entranced in the shimmering gold sparkle that was Kim Mingyu that you forgot that in the end, all glitter turned into nothing but dust. You had foolishly wanted to bask in the shimmer but your ignorance only left you in the midst of the dusty pile of the dazzle that was once your life.

In honour of all the good times that you had with Mingyu, you couldn't say you wished to turn back time to change everything because selfishly, you wanted to turn back time and pause it when you were contentedly lying in Mingyu's arms, listening to him ranting passionately about his favourite football team on a rainy night.

You had been loved but more importantly, you had been in love and that was something you cherished. You only prayed to whatever God that heard you, that if Mingyu is who you're meant to find in every life, then you wanted to be with him on happier terms; and not to love him for a while and then live on without him. And if all you two are is soulmates in betrayal, then you could only hope, you didn't love him so deep that he takes everything from you and you're left with nothing but emptiness.

You wanted to meet him on a path which allowed you both to walk together, watching all sunsets for the rest of your lives.

That's all you want; till then you're content to be just a page of his story.

Read On Wattpad

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ayyy-imma-ninja · 4 months ago

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oh yeah btw I have Spotify playlists for my AUs

I am always adding new songs to them whenever I find something befitting (I will also be adding these to the master post)-

Fairy AU:

DCA!Serial Killer AU:

Cosmic Tides:

Playroom AU:

Royal Guard AU:

#fairy au #dca fairy au #dca!serial killer au #cosmic tides #playroom!au #dca playroom!au #royal guard!au #spotify #spotify playlist #dca playlist #fnaf daycare au #fnaf daycare fandom #fnaf dca au #dca au #fnaf sb dca #daycare attendant fnaf #Spotify

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pokeshippingweek · 2 months ago

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POKESHIPPING WEEK 2024!

It's that time again, pokeshippers!

Last year, we announced that the format of Pokeshipping Week - one theme per day - was getting retired. We also said that we'd still put on a celebration of some kind going forward. Well, the time is here, and I'm happy to announce that we are planning a pokeshipping zine...next year!

If you'll forgive the bait-and-switch there, we have seriously talked about doing a zine, but time got away from us this summer. So, while we do hope to tackle that undertaking in 2025, for this year, we're planning what you might call an open Pokeshipping Week!

How does it work, you ask? Simple: over the years, you all have submitted a lot of potential themes for Pokeshipping Week. For every seven that got chosen each year, plenty were left behind. Well, now you can fill November 1 to 7 with art, fics, AMVs, GIFs, graphics, etc., all about our favorite Poke-couple, using any seven you'd like from the unused themes list.

Any and all contributions are welcome, and if they're tagged #pokeshipping week 2024, we'll reblog them here and on the main @pokeshipping blog. Besides Tumblr, we’ll keep our eyes out for the tag on Twitter and DeviantART for artwork, for fanfics on FF.Net and AO3, and for AMVs on YouTube (no NSFW, please).

The full list of unused themes (from years 2020 through 2023) is below the "Read More" break. Use, combine, and create as your heart desires, and we'll see you November 1!

A bad fight A day in the life A never-ending road A ship full of shippers Alola sunset scene Amusement park Anime characters meet their game/manga counterparts Anniversary Art classes together/Drawing each other Ash and Misty in Sinnoh Ash’s hat Avatar: The Last Airbender AU Birthdays Breakup Cameran Palace ball (as in Movie 8) Celebrating Celebrities Champions/Masters Cheerleader Misty Childhood sweethearts Chocolate Comfort during a natural disaster Comforting each other Competition Confiding in one another Cooking disaster Costumes Criminal/Detective Crossover Crossover with game/manga-verse D&D Dealing with Team Rocket’s teasing in “A Scare in the Air” Dewpider/Araquanid Different hairstyle Disaster dates Disney AU Double dating Elder years Elders Ash and Misty Evolution Fairy tales/Fantasy AU Fankids Fireworks First day on the job Food Fortune-telling/foresight Game of Thrones AU Giving advice to a younger generation Grey hair Gym leader Ash/beginner Misty Halloween/horror/ghost story Hanahaki disease Handkerchief Happily Ever After/Fairy Tales Hiding Hogwarts AU Horizons Hot tub/Hot springs If Ash heard Misty’s Song If Ash or Misty weren’t from Kanto If Ash started his journey at 16 or older If Ash’s journey had ended after winning the Indigo League (in season 1) If Misty caught Lapras If one came from another region If their parents met If they didn’t meet on Ash’s first day In-universe Pokéshippers Intimacy Japanese-style confessional love letter JRPG AU (ie, Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, Monster Hunter, etc.) Karaoke Ladybug and Chat Noir Last goodbyes Learning a different language Lost Pikachu Love Letter Love triangle Lovers across the multiverse Lovestruck (if Ash acted like Brock) Meeting the parents/relatives Mewtwo Strikes Back alternate ending Misty and other Pokégirls discuss their loved ones together Misty meets Goh and Chloe Misty overcoming her fear of Bug-types Misty the coordinator Misty’s Bug-type phobia Mixtape/playlist Mystery dungeon Nervous Ash Never have I ever Other Pokemon games AU (Detective Pikachu/Pokemon Masters/etc) Out of their element Overprotective Misty Perspective of Oak Ranch Pokémon on their relationship Photo shoot Pirates Plot twist Pokemon daycare Pokémon Mystery Dungeon AU PokéNav communication/Video calling Possessed/evil Misty Pregnancy/Birth Pro-gamers Puberty Reappearance of Ash’s father and/or Misty’s parents Regency Era Romance Return to Orange Islands Romeo and Juliet Sci-fi AU Scuba diving Secret identity/superhero AU Slow Slumber party Spies AU Stargazing Studio Ghibli AU Sunshine and Rain Superhero AU Swimming lessons Sygna suits Tabletop RPG AU Taller (height differences) Tauros ranchers Ash and Misty Time capsule Training together Umbrella Vacation Visiting Oak’s ranch Water and electricity/water and fire What if Ash didn’t take Misty’s bike? Yoga together Z-ring/Mega Stone

#announcement!#pokeshipping week #pokeshipping week 2024 #pokeshipping #news!

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yoonia · 3 months ago

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the bedroom hymns ● chapter xxiii

⟶ Chapter summary | He may not be the Prince Charming written in fairy tales, but in your eyes, he seems perfectly yours. Even with many secrets lying between you, a part of you insists to put faith in him, to trust him, even with your secrets. Besides, there is a good reason why fate answered your prayers by allowing you to meet him again, shouldn’t it?

chapter xxiii. serendipity-3

The sun has finally gone out. The bright sky is now painted in vibrant colours of blue, faded teal, and purple as dusk slowly melts into night. Up above, the stars are beginning to show their presence, looking like pixie dust spreading into the night.

Once the pixies welcomed Yoongi into their circle, he was sat down by the curious pixies to endure the same questioning as you had.

“Where did you come from?”

“How did you cross the border?”

“Is that a real sword? Is it heavy? Have you ever hurt anyone with it? Have you ever hurt yourself?”

“Your hair is so soft. What did you put in it?”

You had to hold back a smile while he went through it, yet your own curiosity rose when Yoongi visibly tensed and surprised when he heard Illyn asking, “Did you also walk past the fairy portal in the woods?”

It didn’t take long for the pixies to lose interest in Yoongi, however, as fireflies began to come out of their hiding once it grew dark and caught their attention. Seems like they have yet to run out of energy, even after playing the whole day and the entire afternoon, as they are now busy chasing the fireflies and slipping between the thickening white mist rising around the riverbank. The sound of their joyful giggles echoes through the evening as you join Yoongi on a stroll along the length of the river, spending the last hour that you have left before you have to run home.

The thought of having to say goodbye when you barely have enough time to share with Yoongi saddens you. Yet you try to make the best of it. You don’t even resist when Yoongi insists on holding your hand when he helps you jump across a small puddle, and you say nothing when he still keeps your hand in his as you slowly make your way back towards the elven town.

“It feels really peaceful here, doesn’t it?” you muse with a sigh as you look up beyond the canopy of leaves above your head, marvelling at the colours showing in the sky—colours you wouldn’t normally see back home—and the sparkle of stars now filling the sky.

Far ahead of you, just beyond the tree line, the elven town lights up. Golden lights emerge through the open windows, lanterns hanging from the houses and on the small roads illuminate the rest of the town, and each sparkle of light is reflected on the waterfall that gleams brighter in the night.

“Aren’t you afraid of the dark?” Yoongi asks, almost teasingly, “There is barely any light here, under the trees, and starlight can’t really reach us once we get deeper into the woods.”

You glance around, seeing the contrasting sight of the dark forest filled with nothing but unmoving shadows against the brightening town. Before, it would have been daunting for you to travel into these woods, when the only colours you’d see are the white mist crawling on the ground and the fog forming from your breath. But after the chilling darkness and the daunting sights you find during your previous trips, this kind of darkness doesn’t incite any uneasiness rushing through your skin.

The cold breeze doesn’t make you shiver. The cricket sounds echoing from the riverbanks, the faint night birdsong, and the echoes of the giggling and humming sounds of the pixies only give you a sense of calmness. Yoongi’s gentle hold on your hand and his warm presence make you feel secure enough to stare into the darkness and walk through it.

“No, I’m not afraid,” you simply answer him with a smile. “Compared to where I’ve been lately, this place feels more like heaven. And what should I worry about when I have you here with me?”

Yoongi lowers his eyes as he draws his bottom lip between his teeth. “Have you missed me while I was gone?”

“No. Not really,” the lie easily slips out of your lips, and the corners of his lips rise to a smile.

A deep chuckle escapes him, causing your heartbeat to trip. Air slowly leaves your lungs as he gently opens his eyes, showing you the deep gaze which haunts your thoughts whether you are in slumber or when you are awake. “You look pretty even when you lie,” he whispers with a low voice.

Turning away from him, you take a deep, long breath. You have no idea if the heat rising on your cheeks came from his words or the way he is looking at you. “You always speak as you please.”

“Yet I’m not the one who is lying,” he replies, and you can almost hear his smile before your eyes find him again. “That’s me saying that I don’t believe you. Not for one second.”

Your cheeks are flushed, his words become a spell that makes your heart race and your hope bloom like wildflowers. And then the feeling is made worse when you turn to face Yoongi, capturing the deep longing in his gaze which mirrors yours perfectly that your words begin to spill out. “And if I tell you that I missed you, what would you do?”

His chest rises with a sharp breath. The intense look in his gaze makes it hard for you to breathe and you cannot understand why. “I will cherish it,” he says, his voice sounding firm and sure that you find no reason to be doubtful. “The thought of you thinking about me in my absence brings me joy like no other.”

Your throat feels dry. Your heart feels like it is about to jump out of your chest the first chance it gets.

“Always so charming with your words.”

A ghost of a smile appears on his face, and then it is gone. “Yet none of it is a lie.”

“I believe you,” you whisper with a sigh, and you mean it. because you can see it—you can feel it—simply by looking into his eyes. For a moment, you find it hard to look away. You despise ever thinking about having to look at other things but his face, to even look away from his eyes that are sometimes more honest than his words.

But then the sound of wild giggles seems to be coming closer, the fluttering movements of the pixies entering the trees break the spell forming between you, and Yoongi is the one to give in first with a smile.

“Now, shall we enjoy the rest of the evening? Maybe see what they are up to now before I send you home?”

Home.

The thought of having to walk away from this place, from him, is eating you from the inside. Yet you try to push it down, silently hoping—praying—that this wouldn’t be the last evening that you would be spending with him.

“All right. Lead the way.”

Yoongi is left astonished at what is happening at this moment.

Right before his eyes, the pixies are dancing and singing together, giving the two of you a show in an opening they found in the middle of the forest. Here, the moonlight is shining brightly from above, as if creating a special stage for them to perform their little celebration. And you are standing right beside him, enjoying this view together with him, with your hand entwined with his and shoulder brushing against his as you gently sway to the song the pixies are singing.

He secretly steals a glance at your face without you realising it. He wants to commit this moment to his memory; the look of awe on your face as you watch the pixies dancing before you; your eyes that are glowing with amusement and pure joy; the delicate way your fingers seem to sink into his palm, as if they belong there.

For the first time after quite some time, Yoongi feels at ease. Perhaps being with you helps, feeling your presence nearby and the touch of your hand in his becoming his anchor.

For the past week, he felt as if his life was going out of control. But with you, he feels like everything is slowly falling into place, and he simply wants to hold on to everything before it slips away from his hold.

Smiling, Yoongi turns his attention back to the pixies. The song they are singing seems to rouse a peculiar sensation within him. It fills him with joy and—amusingly—raw pleasure that he had only ever felt from drinking the strongest ales created by the hands of the moon fairies of Emburn.

He shouldn’t be surprised to feel this kind of sensation simply by listening to the pixies’ tune. He has learned quite a lot about pixies after his previous journeys and his various close encounters with beings of their kind. Many may not have known this, but their magic dust isn’t the only thing that is special about the pixies. The song they sing, the tune and the words they hum, are said to be magical, acting like a spell to incite various sensations within other beings—mostly humans, as they are the most vulnerable beings against magic.

As he continues to watch their performance and feels as if he is no longer carrying unwanted weight on his shoulders, his troubles forgotten and feeling only hope blooming in his chest, Yoongi wonders if the song that they are singing is the kind of spell that only brings joy. The kind that often causes dream-like experiences for other beings like himself, and others like you.

Needing this escape, Yoongi allows himself to relish this feeling for a moment longer, to enjoy this moment with you, before he begins worrying about other matters.

One of which is trying to make things right with you, when his lack of presence as of late may have placed him a few steps behind from what he wanted to achieve by following you through the portals. All he wanted was to become closer, not to feel as if you were a world apart from him even when you are right beside him.

He wanted to win your trust, and perhaps one day, he can win your heart. But how would he be able to do so if he kept missing from your life whenever you needed him?

“Forgive me for not being able to join you during your previous trips. I had somewhere else to be, and not one of my excursions ever led me to your path.” Yoongi says as he walks beside you, continuing your stroll along the river once he can sense that your time here is slowly coming to an end.

You and Yoongi have left the pixies behind you, still enjoying their time partying in the forest with more and more other pixies joining in to form a bigger circle. The last time Yoongi turned to glance over his shoulder, the pixies’ dancing had become so intense that he began seeing golden dust sparkling all around them, their rapid dancing and the spells they were singing brought together magic pixie dust to illuminate the forest around them.

Those pixie dust have now scattered all over the gravelled pathway before him, as the wined pixie kept floating across to drop the magical dust to help light up the way, allowing the two of you to see clearly through the darkening woods.

Muted golden glow from the magic dust spreads all around him, the lights reflecting perfectly on your face that Yoongi cannot look away. In his eyes, you look as if you are walking among the stars, up there in the night sky, and he is floating with you like a shadow, protecting you from the night.

He has pictured this moment many times before, when he was walking down the royal garden or through the halls within the Imperial Palace, wishing that you were by his side. Wishing that he was spending time with you instead of with the bratty princess who was more than happy to play along with the Empress’ ploy in keeping him back home. Now that this is finally happening, it seems hard for his mind to accept that this is his reality and not just a figment of his imagination, his wishful thinking playing tricks on him to make him believe that this is real.

“I—wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to see you today, to be honest,” Yoongi painfully admits, while recalling how hard it was for him to escape from the palace today.

It was his own fault for getting him in such a situation, after all.

He shouldn’t have traded the dance that he wanted so badly to avoid with a promise. A promise that he regretted the moment he stepped into the royal garden, when he realised too late that he had made a deal with the wrong force.

What Yoongi had imagined to be a swift affair, a simple afternoon tea to appease the royal brat of a princess where all he had to do was sit and act nice while she gushed and gossiped about life within the empire, had turned out to be everything that was not.

The entire encounter had instead turned mostly peculiar.

Princess Celestyna has always worn the facade of a coy and almost naive and child-like, just like any other sheltered and spoiled princess he has ever met. But this afternoon, as she sat at the table set up for their little ‘date’, the princess had shed her entire facade and worn a new persona. Her presence emitted arrogance and an eerie calmness that made him feel uneasy. He was just about to call everything off when the princess dropped a bomb on him.

“I know that this is the last place you would rather be, Your Highness,” she said to him between taking dainty sips of her tea, with a gaze that carried a peculiar look to which Yoongi felt cautious. But then his blood ran cold when she added, “Do you know the real reason why I followed my father to visit your empire and meet the Empress? You’ve felt it, haven’t you? The air is changing. You cannot tell me you have no idea what, or who is causing it.”

Realisation dawned in Yoongi back then, just as everything that he noticed about the realm upon his return came back to him; the turbulence he felt welcoming him home in waves; the stillness in the air; and the imbalance of magic.

Before Yoongi could process things further, or inquire the princess about the secrets that she seemed to be offering him, he felt the ripple of magic rising at the back of his mind. It was subtle enough so that he knew he would be the only one who could feel it, and he immediately knew that it was the moment you stepped into a portal.

Yoongi was caught between staying, accepting the princess’s olive branch, and the fear of losing the chance to see you again, so for a moment, he nearly faltered. But his wish to see you again prevailed. He felt your presence calling for him, pulling at his soul, and it gave him the willpower to walk away and race through the portal to catch up with you.

“You won’t be able to keep running, Your Highness,” the princess called out to him just as Yoongi began to walk away, “You can try to avoid me as much as you want to or deny what must happen for as long as you can, but you must know that you won’t be able to change anything.”

Yoongi shakes his head, shaking away the memory of the unpleasant encounter from his mind. He hates that even now, when he is supposed to be enjoying his time with you, that second princess of the Kosha Empire still dares to invade his mind—just like how she has been trying to invade his entire life.

“It wasn’t easy, and I debated if I should risk making this trip at the last minute, when I still had my duties ahead of me,” he says with a grim smile on his face as the memory of Princess Celestyna’s cunning smile comes and goes. “But in the end, I am glad that I chose to listen to my gut and risk everything for a chance to see you again.”

The smile that you give him alleviates his guilt. Only slightly.

But it is still the same smile that he has been longing to see. So much so that he has been seeing it in his dreams that he suddenly feels the urge to pinch himself just to make sure that this isn’t another dream, taunting him with your presence only to take you away from him so soon.

“And here you are, right when I was just wondering if I should walk away sooner than planned,” you respond to him, much to his relief. A part of him was expecting to see your growing distrust of him, and yet your words hold no adversity in them that it makes him feel almost undeserving of your kindness.

“I am beginning to believe this matter of fate that you spoke of so often, seeing that you were able to find me despite how busy you’ve been.” A soft chuckle slips out of your lips. “I’m amazed that you managed to find me at all.”

Pain pierces through him as he returns your smile. He feels bitter about the fact that he had been the one who spoke of fate intertwining your lives together and yet has become the one defying fate itself. He cannot stop feeling as if he has failed you, and he knows that this feeling will continue to haunt him each time he remembers the disappointed look in your eyes looking back at him.

And he knows that he will disappoint you further by not being able to share his secrets, even if only to answer your curiosity.

“Is it another mercenary work that’s been keeping you away?” you innocently question him, and Yoongi can only bite back his tongue. In a way, it wouldn’t be too off the mark, since he did use his mercenary work as an excuse to stay out of the imperial palace from time to time, or when he needed a break from the Empress’ plot of keeping him close to their royal guests.

It was safer for him to use the mercenary army as an excuse rather than using the magic portals, with the chances of having the Empress planting an eye around him.

“Perhaps,” he sighs, “you can say that.” He hates not being able to tell you the truth, but he also has no way of confessing that his lack of presence in your expeditions has been caused by another. With a tight smile on his face, Yoongi turns to ask you, “Have you been travelling well lately?”

For a moment, you look quite reluctant to answer. At first, Yoongi simply takes it as your hesitance about sharing the secrets behind the magic that you are using. But instead, you choose to share something completely unexpected.

“Not that much, actually. I have been—unwell,” you slowly admit. “After the last time we met in Grimm, I was left bedridden for quite a while.”

His brows rise. “How so?” he asks, feeling uneasy.

Pressing your lips together, you shrug at him. “It seems that I have been using up my mana due to my travelling.”

“Do you mean to say that your means of travel has been draining your mana?” Yoongi asks. His surprise almost caused him to make a slip-up, to show you that he knows by which way you have been travelling to different places.

Thankfully, you don’t seem to notice it as you continue walking. “It may seem so”—a touch of a smile flickers on your face—”although it is just a personal assumption that I made up, seeing that it happened after I came back from travelling.” You stop for a moment, thinking. “Actually, now that I think about it, this kind of exhaustion only happened when I went across to places within Far Far Away.”

Yoongi falls silent as he ponders over this. He cannot figure out why the same magic that empowers him—and one that he has learned to understand and control since he was just a young boy—would be reacting differently towards you. While this explains the reason behind your recent absence, he cannot say that he takes any pleasure in knowing.

Perhaps it would have been better to hear that you had encountered something else getting in the way of you using the portals. Anything else but having your well-being and your safety having been compromised to be the reason for it.

“You never felt the same when you were travelling back to Smotia?”

You consider it for a moment before shaking your head. “Hmmm, I don’t recall that I have. I always felt tired, but it wasn’t as bad as it has been lately.” You stop, furrowing your brows, before turning to him. “Do you think—”

“What?”

Gnawing your lips, you shake your head gently before sharing your thoughts. “It’s just something that I thought of,” you begin to say, still hesitant. “What if, the—magic that I’m using to travel is feeding off my mana?” You turn to him. “Can something like that happen?”

“You mean, it’s using your mana like fuel?” Yoongi asks, raising his brows.

You slowly nod. “Like what oil does to a lamp, or food to humans.”

Humming to himself, Yoongi recalls everything that he has learned about the magic portals. To think of any possible side effects or the possibility of it not taking its powers from the moon—as expected of these types of portals—but from its user instead. Yet he comes up with nothing. Because nothing similar to this has ever happened. Not to him, and certainly not to the Emperor, who used to travel merely through the portals to deal with the empire’s business.

But the truth is, he simply never heard of it.

A random thought suddenly crosses Yoongi’s mind just then.

“In theory, it can happen,” he cautiously says, just as he remembers something that he once learned about magic.

Any form of magic requires a price. A sacrifice is needed to be made to pay for any magic that is pulled out of the realm, used and cast by whoever is summoning them. For the type of magic as strong as the fairy portals, a sacrifice must be made. The Ancient moon fairies, however, had found a way to resolve this.

By borrowing power from the moon, the fairies obtaining the skill to create, open, and use the portals would no longer need to sacrifice a thing. Only to then repay all the powers lent to them by the moon by celebrating the rites during the Runea Luna Eve. This is how it’s been done for centuries, until Yoongi was given the keys to the magic portals.

But could this really be the reason?

Yoongi wonders as he looks at you. Since you are not a fairy such as himself, nor you were born with a fairy blood or a direct connection to the moon, using the magic which belonged to his kind may require you to pay for it with something else. Something valuable.

Your mana. A piece of your heart. Your—lifespan.

Yoongi fists his hands by his side. “Have you talked about this with anyone else?”

“Well, yes.” The crease between your brows deepens, and then you mutter, “Okay, maybe not.” A beat of silence passes, before you correct yourself, “Not really.”

Yoongi says nothing, only that he knows now that you have yet to share your secret with anyone else. No one knows about her using the portals, he muses, surprised with what he just learned. He shouldn’t feel relieved about it, since that only means that you have no one by your side to guide you through it.

But if you still have nobody to talk to about this, if you are still keeping this a secret, then this means he can use this to strengthen the bond he has with you. To gain your trust that has become so fragile from his own doing.

Cocking your head, you innocently ask him, “What are you thinking?”

Yoongi grabs your hand instead of answering directly. He still has to work on finding out the truth about this side-effect before slowly revealing the truth about the portal—that he knows more about it than he is letting on, and that he and his family are the ones behind it. He needs to make sure that you trust him enough before he can.

Because revealing the origin of the portal you are using might risk him losing your trust. It might risk him losing the only link he has to the Wicked King.

“I’m just wondering,” he says, as he begins rubbing circles on the back of your hand with his thumb, drawing shivers through your skin, “you mentioned before that this is all new for you. That you are still getting used to your new life in Far Far Away.”

He stops to wait until you respond with a nod before he continues, “Even without having to use magic, travelling within this realm itself can be draining, and you still can’t fully access your magic to begin with.” Looking down at the ground covered in pixie dust, Yoongi points at the glowing lights. “Take a look at how the scattered magic dust is covering the dark, hard ground beneath. Look at it as the realm we are standing in.”

You turn to look at the sparkling magic dust and keep your eyes on it while Yoongi keeps speaking, “There are layers and layers of mana in this realm which—depending on which part of the land you are—may require different levels of mana within yourself to withstand it. For you to be able to ride the energy flow that is present all around you when you are stepping into a new territory.”

Yoongi smiles as he senses you growing more at ease, and that you seem to understand what he is trying to say. “With your magic still restrained, you haven’t been able to put your raw mana to use. At the very least, not in its full potential.”

Your gaze finds his after hearing this, which encourages Yoongi to continue, “So it’s quite possible that your body was weakened due to the insufficient amount of mana you had to boost the power of the magic. And it if had instead begun to feed on your life energy, that might explain why you experience fatigue and why it took longer for your mana to recover.”

An understanding look fills your eyes. “That would make sense,” you mutter softly, and Yoongi can almost hear the wheels in your head turning. He can hear the questions that you have before you even think of voicing them out loud. He knows that—despite your lack of experience with magic—you are smart enough to understand things quickly.

Right when you are about to speak, to question him further—to force him to tell you everything about the portals—Yoongi cuts you off with his own question, “What about your latest trips? I thought you said you had been going back to back while I was away? How are you feeling now?”

Finding out that you are experiencing some side effects from the portals made him feel wary, and it worries him more when he thinks about the constant waves of magic reaching out to him and he was never there. “You know, some people might think that it would be better to avoid anything that was harmful to them,” he tries to joke, “and yet you decided to jump right back into it again the moment you had the chance.”

A grin lifts on the corner of your lips. “You got me,” you softly laugh. “I suppose my curiosity got the better of me. In a way, I wanted to test my theory, and—” You stop for a moment as you recall the past few days—the days that Yoongi would have loved to hear more about in detail—and then shrug a little. “You can say that the circumstances made it hard for me to avoid going on those trips.”

Your gaze flicks back to him. “I might say that fate pointed out the way and I simply followed.” Yoongi returns your smile. “But things are different now.”

“Different? In what way?”

You make a humming sound as you answer, “I’ve been training. Someone—one of my guardians—offered to help me practice controlling my mana, even if I can’t really use it to expel magic.” Yoongi cannot help but smile as you share this. He loves seeing how proud you look, simply from thinking about what you have achieved on your own. The look of excitement for overcoming a challenge and getting yourself ready to try facing another.

“Do you think your training has been helping you, seeing that you are doing quite alright now even after—how busy you’ve been?”

“I’m not quite sure, really,” you admit with a nervous smile, “That’s also why I’ve been waiting to see you. What do you think? Do you reckon my progress may have anything to do with how I’m not sick right now?”

Yoongi considers the option for a moment before nodding. “It might,” he cautiously says, “By having control of your mana, you might have been able to inadvertently prevent your mana from being drained completely while you had your expeditions.”

This answer seems to please you. “Of course, I am not an expert in this type of magic,” he quickly says before you get your hopes up. And it is not a complete lie, as there are real experts back home at Emburn who study this old magic properly that would know better than he does now. And he quickly makes it his mission to find them once he returns. ”I can try and help you look for answers if that can help you.”

Your smile widens. And he suddenly feels like his chest is too tight for his beating heart. “Would you do that for me?” you ask, to which he feels his knees weakening beneath him that he comes to a halt, bringing you close to him as he pulls you gently towards him.

“Anything, little dove,” he murmurs as he gently leans closer. “Even if only to make up for my recent absence and the days that went on without us being able to enjoy our time like this.”

Yoongi is so close. You are so close that he can breathe in the scent of your shampoo and the soft fragrance that you might have dropped onto the curves of your neckline this morning—something sweet and floral and maddeningly luscious—that his entire body grows warm. Before he can stop himself, his hand rises, fingers gently sweeping back some stray strands of hair that keep escaping to your cheek, and your face flushes.

Clearing your throat, you lower your gaze with a bashful smile. “Speaking of places with mana,” you softly speak, a hint of shyness flutters in your voice which pleases him dearly when you ask, “Have you been to a place called Aeris?”

Swallowing hard, Yoongi tries to calm his expression when he answers. “I’ve been there many times. Some of the merchants and barons that have hired me are those who deal with businesses in both realms, that’s why I frequently go to marketplaces like Narlès and Aeris.” He inclines his head. “Why do you ask?”

“Have you been there recently?” you question him, gnawing your lips as if you aren’t sure to ask.

“Not that I recall, no. I’ve been going to places where people were dealing with various crisis, and I have yet to visit any marketplaces lately.”

You try to hide it, but Yoongi can see a hint of disappointment in your eyes. “I see.”

Yoongi falls silent instead of questioning further. Because he knows why you would ask him about Aeris.

He was unable to leave the Imperial Palace when he felt you visiting the Mage City, so he had to send out the only one he trusted to go in his place and watch over you, making sure that you were safe. Yet it seems that Yijeong has failed to report back to him to let him know that you had caught him, or perhaps felt his presence while shadowing you through the city.

That fool.

Swallowing a frustrated groan, Yoongi reminds himself to be grateful. Despite his recklessness and his lack of trust in you, Yijeong has been there when Yoongi couldn’t. His loyal friend has continued volunteering to take his place, jumping into the magic portal whenever the ripples came calling for Yoongi to follow, all to be able to watch over you and keep you safe while Yoongi was stuck in the Empress’ little ploy.

From the mage city of Aeris to the legendary E’l Alora, the ancient place that is no longer shown on any kind of map, and then to the fallen city of Arselon, where mortals are no longer welcomed after they became casualties of war.

Yoongi cannot imagine what kind of adventures you have been to. Not even Yijeong’s reports were adequate in letting him know what you’ve learned from these expeditions of yours. How much he wishes to be there to witness it. And how inadequate it makes him feel to realise how much he has missed.

“The next time we meet again,” Yoongi gently says, “Tell me everything about your latest journey.”

The smile you give him holds hope and promise. “As long as you share me yours.”

As soon as you’ve made it across the bridge with Yoongi, you come to a halt, hesitant to continue.

You can feel it from a distance; the ripples of magic coming out of the portal, waiting for your return, hidden deep between the trees.

Silently, you wonder if Yoongi can feel it too. For some reason, you know that he can feel it, but he chooses not to show it. Not to say anything. Respecting your need to hold your secret just a bit longer until you can trust him completely with it.

Judging from the way he isn’t making any move to continue, he is respecting your choice by not following you through the woods unless you allow him to.

But keeping your secret and preventing him from following you to find the opened portal is the least of your concerns at this moment. You hate having to say goodbye so soon when you just met him again. Your time together has been too short, you feel like it wasn’t enough.

Yoongi tilts his head, noticing your silence. “Is there something wrong?” he asks, as if he can sense you having an inner battle in your silence.

“I don’t want to say goodbye so soon,” you admit with a quiet whisper.

“Then don’t,” Yoongi says, smiling. “Don’t say goodbye. Not when we’re going to see each other again.”

“Is that true? Will we be able to see each other again?” You cannot help but ask, “I’ve believed that we would, but—”

Taking your hand in his, Yoongi gives it a gentle squeeze. “I promise, whenever you make the jump to travel somewhere, to a new place across the realm or even towards the next realm, I’ll come running to you,” he says with a firm voice, only that you are too afraid to believe him, to hope, after being disappointed the last few times you went and never found yourself crossing paths with him.

“Don’t say such promises as if it is something that you are capable of doing,” you whisper bitterly, looking away.

Still keeping a gentle hold of your hand, Yoongi tilts your chin up with his other hand, bringing your gaze back to him. “As I’ve told you many times before, little dove. I wouldn’t dare make a promise that I’m not sure I can keep,” he whispers as he plays with a few stray strands of your hair before tucking them behind your ear. Just like before, when he did the same and the tips of his fingers brushed lightly against your cheek, your body shudders. Your skin grows hot, and you sway on your feet, your body leaning towards him to feel more.

Your eyes flutter to close as you embrace this feeling, yet you quickly open them again, resisting, only so you can look at him longer. But then his face comes closer, almost as if he is leaning for a kiss. “Can you keep that promise?” you force yourself to ask, even when your voice comes out small, almost breathless. “Can you really find a way to know where I am the next time I walk across the realm and be there when I make the jump?”

Yoongi says nothing at first. But the intense way he is looking at you, with no words, only with a gaze that seems tortured, as if he is pained for not being able to say much seems to speak louder than his words would.

“How? How would you be able to do such a thing?”

Instead of answering you, Yoongi only smiles. “Why don’t we make a little deal, you and me?” Yoongi offers instead, “I will tell you the next time we see each other again. Better yet, each time we meet again, I will share with you one secret of mine for you to keep. Something more about myself.”

Sucking a deep breath, you try to calm the flutter building in your chest. And fail. “Promise?” Your voice comes out in a whisper. “And I—” You continue, feeling your throat tightening when you think about all the things you can offer to make this fair. You want to give something back. A piece of you to every piece of himself that he is willing to give you.

Bringing your hand up, you offer him your pinky finger. “Then I’ll share something about myself too when we see each other again.”

Looking up close, Yoongi’s eyes seem to sparkle. Intrigued and pleased, Yoongi’s smile deepens as he entwines his pinky finger around yours and murmurs, “It’s a promise.”

Neither of you makes a move to separate, remaining in this position just a bit longer, staying close with his eyes staring deeply into yours. For a moment, you wonder if he is going to kiss you, as he slowly bends down, his face growing closer, until he suddenly stops with a hesitant smile. “Until we meet again,” he says instead, kissing the back of your hand.

You are filled with a mix of emotions, yet the touch of his lips on your skin makes your heart flutter, soaring with hope.

“Remember,” he whispers, “All you need to do is jump, and I’ll come running to you.”

Despite everything, you know deep down that you can hold onto this promise. You want to believe him, and that is exactly what you say to him in the end before you finally decide to part ways just beyond the last line of trees.

“Will you be okay crossing the woods on your own?” Yoongi asks, still reluctant to let you go into the woods.

“I have my dagger with me, and I know how to defend myself,” you reassure him, and his gaze flickers with knowing, believing that you are telling him the truth. “If all fails, I’ll scream for help.”

Yoongi softly laughs. “I’ll be here,” he says, as he slides his hands into his pockets, as if he is doing so to hold back from reaching out to you. “At least until you make it across.”

You leave him standing by the bridge as you trudge into the thickets, his warm smile becomes the last thing you see when you look over your shoulder one last time, before slipping deeper into the woods and entering the magic portal waiting to take you home. You close your eyes for a brief moment when the magic engulfs you, pulling you through the space in between before you arrive back home. The force of the magic is so strong, that you barely feel it when another ripple of magic follows your departure, coming from somewhere nearby, right before the magic door closes behind you.

The moment you open your eyes again, you are standing in the middle of the quiet corridor back in Stargrave. There is an emptiness in your chest as you walk further away from the ghostly feeling of the magic portal slowly waning behind you as you slowly make your way back to your bedchamber, yet you find no reason to feel any sorrow as you stroll down the empty hallways and into your silent quarter.

Because you've arrived back home not all empty-handed. Not when you have the warmth of a promise filling your heart, the ghost of Yoongi’s touch lingering in your palm, and five pouches of pixie dust in the pocket of your dress.

The day after your last trip, where you got to visit the home of elves and pixies, you remain in the castle instead of allowing your curiosity to take you away once again.

Your father’s keys are secured safely in one of the drawers inside your bedchamber. Out of sight, though not entirely out of mind.

“Take a day off from travelling, especially since you’ve been travelling more frequently as of late,” Yoongi had suggested yesterday, right before you parted ways, right after you made him so obviously worry about your well-being after you shared your recent predicament.

And you have chosen to follow his advice. To preserve your energy and mana until the next time you will be needing it again. Until the next time you see him again.

“And where will you be while I’m gone? Back to your mercenary business?”

Yoongi had given you a tight smile when you asked. Yet his eyes were filled with resolve when he answered, “Perhaps I shall handle my business to make sure they will no longer be in the way of me catching up to you.”

With no plans on escaping the confines of the castle, you spend your afternoon at the terrace on Nanny Abigail’s quarter for some afternoon tea with your governess. It has been a while since you spent some time with her without any agenda hidden under your sleeves—or hers.

Being here also means keeping you away from any possibility of you straying down vacant hallways in the castle and finding cryptic doors with humming spells enchanting you to open.

“It’s quite remarkable to think that on the same day you spent the hour of your dancing lesson stubbing your toes one too many times, you spent the rest of the afternoon sparring with the knights,” Nanny Abigail lifts her eyes from her tea and runs her gaze on your body, perusing briefly before commenting, “and without any injuries on your skin.”

You look up, forcing a smile as you resist the urge to admit that you did gain some injuries. But you choose not to say anything, lest you are to be forced to explain everything. Or worse, to risk causing an innocent royal knight to take the blame.

“How did you find out?” You ask her instead while keeping your voice calm.

Nanny Abigail presses her lips together. A look of displeasure is written all over her face. “Words travel fast in this place. The maids here keep curious eyes on the Princess who had been kept away from the only home she ever knew and is struggling to adjust in this new place,” she says with a wistful tone of voice, as if she has grown tired of the gossips, until she adds, “And those words always come back to me.”

“No wonder I felt like I was constantly being watched.” With an exaggerated sigh, you shake your head and mutter, “And here I thought it was all you.”

Eyebrows raised, Nanny Abigail looks at you with an unamused look on her face. “You think I planted a spy on you?”

You give her a sly grin as you shrug. “Wouldn’t be too surprised if you had. You’ve always seemed to have many eyes looking at me even when you are not around.”

Your governess narrows her eyes at you as she murmurs almost to herself, “Perhaps it’s time I should put a spy on you to make sure you behave like a princess for once.”

The bitter way she says it only makes you laugh, which draws a smile to her face. A fleeting sight to see, that you almost believe you are imagining things, until you hear the sound of her soft chuckle, laughing at her own joke. She expertly hides it behind her cup of tea, keeping her poise as always.

“May I ask you something?” you carefully ask her when a thought comes through your mind. Something has been weighing in your mind lately, and seeing that your governess seems to be in a light mood—enough for her to joke around with you—you figure this might as well be the right time to bring this up.

Nanny Abigail lifts her eyebrows and hums. “I don’t suppose it will stop you from trying if I refuse.”

You roll your eyes. “Glad to know you think so highly of me,” you tease, once again drawing a small smile from her. You take a deep breath before asking, “How well did you know my mother?”

At the mention of your mother, Nanny Abigail’s shoulders grow stiff. She quickly recovers and straightens up as she slowly lowers her cup. She clears her throat before answering, “Well enough to see parts of her in you each time I’m looking at you. It’s like seeing a reflection of her when I look at your face, or listen to you speak.”

Her gaze finds you. The joy in her eyes dims and softens when a smile comes to her face. A smile that is filled with melancholy and a familiar sense of longing. “Might be why it doesn’t surprise me when you are always up to something whenever no one is looking.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Nanny Abigail sighs. “The Queen, your mother, has always been just as mischievous as you are. She has always been like that since she was a child. Always so curious, always questioning and looking for answers, even if it’s the most impossible ones to find.”

You cannot help but smile as you hear this. “How did that go with my father?”

“His Majesty was always worried about her, but what can he do?” she says, waving her hand dismissively. “Not even the most strict rules can stop her from going out to see the world.”

Your back straightens. You have learned from Lord Gordan that you may have some similarities with your mother. You never expected to even share this with her. “She was a traveller.”

Nanny Abigail looks at you, smiling. “And a scholar,” she adds. “That was her true power.” She briefly halts, thinking, before adding, “Well, one of them. Her curiosity is one, and her knowledge is the other. But the most important one that she obtained over the years would be her courage. The one thing that kept pushing her to find more and more knowledge, no matter where and how.”

“This castle is full of books,” you muse, recalling how much the royal library had amazed you the first time you entered it. And it seems that you keep finding more and more books—all the rare ones that have often helped answer your questions—the more you explore deeper. “Was it because my mother loved to learn?”

“Yes, it was. Your mother’s always so fond of books,” Nanny Abigail says with a fond look in her eyes. “I believe she also kept a journal with her. A small notebook where she would keep the things she found and learned through her journeys.”

The conversation halts for a moment as Nanny Abigail pours some more tea into the cups, while your mind wanders. “How did she travel?” you find yourself asking, wondering, to which Nanny Abigail merely scoffs.

“Heavens know. She always had her secrets,” she answers with a soft chuckle. “Mostly, she would disappear hours into the day and come back once evening comes. Sometimes later, looking weary and excited at the same time from whatever adventure she got herself on.”

Furrowing your brows, you think about what she mentioned earlier. “The journal. Have you ever seen it? Have you ever read what she wrote in it?”

Nanny Abigail presses her lips and shakes her head. “No, she used to keep it to herself. Kept it hidden in her bedchamber.” Her gaze seems far away when she continues, “But she would talk about her day as she was writing about it. Sometimes she would do sketches. She would draw the places, the people she met, and the things she saw into these rough sketches for her to keep in her memory, but never once had she ever shown me anything she put down in that journal.”

Talking about your mother and the things they used to do back then brings another smile to her face. And she talks as if the memory is still fresh, that everything is happening in the present instead of the past, that you can almost see it through her eyes, to feel your mother’s presence the way Nanny Abigail is feeling it now. “Besides, even if I ever got a peek at her writing, I wouldn’t have understood it,” she adds.

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Your mother’s quite adept with languages. She grew up speaking the language of the elves, and she was learning the native language of the moon fairies when she first began writing in that journal.” Her sigh is filled with longing when she continues, “She left a page on her desk once, something that looked like a letter that fell from the journal. She was quick to hide it, but I remember not recognising the language or the letters that she used. I couldn’t even read her scribbles, since she wrote them so quickly. Perhaps she had done it while on the road.”

She laughs. “I think it’s her way of keeping all the information she wrote a secret, only for certain people to be able to read them.”

You lean forward, getting more and more curious about this journal that your mother had allegedly carried with her. “Do you know where it is now?” you try to ask. “Or is it—is it lost with most of her belongings?”

Nanny Abigail only answers with a resigned sigh. “No one knows. The Queen holds her secrets deeply, even in her absence.” Her gaze finds yours as she raises her cup of tea to her lips. “Just like you do.”

A beat of silence falls. The wheels in your head are turning wildly as you try to connect all the dots. The places you’ve been. The words that were given to you by the people you met.

But then all the puzzling clues you have gathered in your memory scatter when Nanny Abigail suddenly chastises you, “Of all the things you could have been doing in your free time, why did it have to be a sword fight?”

Scoffing, you raise your brows at her. “Are you wishing that I’d be doing embroideries instead?”

“Well, you could need some more work on that, for sure,” she teases, making you laugh.

“Hah! Very funny,” you respond with a chuckle. “But really, I was—” Sighing, you decide to share some truth about what has been troubling you. “I was bored, and I was getting too soft.”

Nanny Abigail gives you an incredulous look. “From dancing?”

“From the lack of physical training,” you bitterly admit, “I don’t think Lord Gordan is brazen enough to defy my father in terms of giving me lessons in fighting.”

You hear Nanny Abigail sighing as she mutters, “As if you still need one.”

“You are good at dancing and yet you still practice when you have the chance.”

Your governess looks at you, saying nothing, but you can tell that she is silently agreeing with you. But the world will end if she ever admits it to your face. “So,” she says after sipping her tea. “Did you win?”

Your lips twist to a sly grin. “What do you think?”

One hour later, you find yourself returning to your quarters after a lazy afternoon. Your bedchamber is quiet, yet your mind is almost as lively as the rapid sound of your heartbeat as you reach for your dresser. Opening the top drawer, you find the set of keys gifted by your father. The magic keys cast silver and golden glow across the drawers and onto your face, the spell hums through the quiet space around you, as if asking why you haven’t reached for them today.

Yet your gaze moves past them, landing on the small bundle that you had carried home with you from the fallen city of Arselon.

You slowly reach for it, lifting the bundle in your hand with precise care—as if the thing will crumble into dust under your fingers. The bundle felt small when Gaia first handed it to you, enough for you to slip it under your cloak when you took it home. With gentle fingers, you pry open the velvet fabric covering it, revealing three small items bound together by a thick, white thread.

The first item is a key; made of steel and mostly covered in rust, reminding you of the iron gate leading towards the forbidden part of the royal garden that you have yet to travel into.

The second is an old folded map; with an inscription on the front cover written in one of the native languages you have been learning from Lady Laurel. Elven tongue.

But what intrigues you the most is the third item. Weighing down on your palm is a small notebook. Small enough to fit in the small sling bag that you often carry with you when you are travelling or into the side pocket of your coat. The leather cover is tainted with ink stains and appears to be slightly worn out by age. The papers seem old and worn, with yellowing edges and some growing crisp and falling apart. Deep down, you have a feeling that you already know what this item is even without having to open it.

“I believe she also kept a journal with her…”

Nanny Abigail’s voice echoes through your head as you gently run the tips of your fingers over the leather covering, finding the small initial embossed into the leather, right at the bottom corner of the front cover.

The inscription is made in a cursive letter, looking almost like a signed autograph marked into the leather coverings so it wouldn’t wear away by the passing of time, and the inscription reads the letter ‘M’.

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