#fair enough though. dont want it to get overwhelmed and die again

[cozylittleartblog]

sheezyart is back for a Third time! if you had an account before the 2022 shutdown you can log back in starting today, and people will be able to join again in small batches in march apparently.

if you would like to follow me there, my username is cozy!

perks include: a full ban on AI generated images, a simple nostalgic layout, an actual sense of community, great profile customization, and the little "what are you doing" statuses that Used to be on deviantart journals

[hauntedotherworld]

i cant take it anymore. its too painful and i have nothing but suffering thats all i feel and its always been hopeless

i have NOTHING, no one at all to live for .. the one i lost i dont even .. i dont even know if i want her back, although i know we will never meet or talk ever agaib. its already been years. its hard when the person is your fp or.. ex fp.. the feelings that are overwhelming stay but at the same time i have so much anger and despair for what she did. i wish it never happened i had no control over it and i hate it, i HATE HER . SHES THE WORST and never cared like i did, even though we had such a strong bond.. to her it was normal friendship which by the end disapeared.. not for me. because my fucking fucked up head isnt like everyone elses and so im left all alome all i have is suffering, nothing will ever be good enough anymore. i doubt i could even feel that ever again.. i hate her too. i wish i never met her, because otherwise atleast i couldve not known what that felt like. to have an fp. someone who is the entire world for me and i couldnt do shit about it . all i can think of is memories and mourn it . but i also hate her and in one way do not care or wish to EVER meet her again- which again will never happen anyway.. i just feel so fucking empty and have forever but it gets worse the older i get. i cant feel ANYTHING FOR LIFE let alone others now. im living for no reason at all. every part of the day is just empty, void depression and deep bored and loneliness. nothing and no one can fill that anymire either, i knew that when i had gone to college (for a few months until i dropped out and left those great friends id made) because it didnt make me feel ok and i couldnt handle it , i left as always. so i never have anybody. and when i try and form a conmection with stra gers , just to feel sometthing - i feel absolutely nothing at all . nothing now. all i do id hate myself and stuck in my head.

i never want a family i dont care about love anymore or anything and all i feel is that deep empty, despairing feeling and its unBEARABLE .. every fucking day. all i can do is repeat that in my mind and breakdown because what else am i able to do except die? but aside from my anxiety about that, even dying doesnt sound good anymore.. because what will happen? i feel i wont go to heaven because i quit church because of the horrible _thing there. i dont really care abput anything.. except my dog but that isnt enough to make me able to get through when everythings missing and IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, BPD, AND MAJOR DEPRESSION WITH ANXIETY AND OTHER SHIT THAT RUINED EVERYTHING. ive tried SO hard. so fuckinh hard everyday its torture it always has been but its gotten worse to the point i can hardly think i just feel like an empty shell and the pain is like nothing else. i dont know whatll happen if i die, but whatever happens it should be better than this.. if not, i cant escape it itll come on its own if i dont. so i should just do it. no one cares anyway and i dont either

im just so heartbroken and what i fucking had to be and what my life hd to be. its not fair and nobody except others like me know what this is like.

i cant do it guys its harder and harder and i cant carry on i swear to god

[aaronstveit]

suicide ideation tw

as someone who is actively suicidal, its always so...strange? hard? overwhelming? to see people that have lost someone to suicide.

i often wonder if anyone will miss me once im gone. and i wonder if all those people that died from it would be happier if they had kept going.

its strange bc those individuals meant so so so so so much to people but now they r just a statistic. and its conflicting. like i feel like by reducing it down to "this many people kill themselves every year" we r disrespecting all those human lives. and it makes me feel like people dont actually think human lives are precious and important, at least not as much as they make it sound like they believe.

its overwhelming to see someone who still remembers their friend or their birthday after so many years. it makes me feel guilty for wanting to die bc i dont want to hurt people that i love the most.

its just...conflicting and confusing. im so sorry for your friend. but i think he'd be overjoyed to know that u still remember him and his birthday <3

trigger warnings for suicide, suicidal ideation

i was suicidal for several years and for so much time, the only thing that kept me alive was not wanting to put other people through the pain that i had felt. so please believe me when i say that i understand what you’re saying, anon. for years of my life, i was so alone with my sadness because i felt like expressing it or asking for help would be to admit to this deep selfishness about me - like there is anything about wanting to die that is selfish. it wasn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to you.

i don’t believe in guilt or shame as tactics of suicide prevention, so you aren’t going to find that here. i can’t convince you to want to live, and i wish that i could, but since i can’t, i have no need to make you feel worse. i want to thank you for sending me this message, though, because i know that it couldn’t have been easy but i do believe that we’re all a little better when we say these things and we come to understand them a little better.

i can’t say that every single person who dies by suicide would be happier if they were still alive. but, at the risk of sounding completely corny and unbearable, i can say that they’ll never know if it would have gotten better. I know that suicide is a systemic problem that will never be solved with blasé posts about “checking on your strong friends” and compilations of phone numbers. and i know, logically, that it isn’t really a choice that you make. i’m not going to give you the whole “it gets better” thing because i’m sick to fucking death of it and i can imagine you are, too. but i will tell you that i am 100% sure that people would miss you if you died. i don’t have to know you to know that. even when we feel like nobody cares about us, there is someone who does. every single time.

i also don’t like when deaths by suicide are reduced to statistics, but i will say that every time i see one of those statistics, i think of my friend, and i imagine my pain multiplied all of those times, all of those communities irreversibly changed. to me, and to a lot of people who have lost someone this way i bet, it’s never a jumble of numbers. it is physical, unyielding pain. i don’t believe that there is a lack of compassion or love for other people, i think there is a lack of understanding. it is hard to conceptualize any of it - suicidal ideation, suicide, or the aftermath - without experiencing it. even hard then, often enough.

for the record, i don’t believe suicide prevention is pointless or hokey. i just believe that a lot of people are doing it wrong. the whole “hell” thing, the “coward” thing, it’s all so awful and cruel to people who are already suffering. but again, i don’t need to convince you of this.

i’m sorry this response is so strange and wordy. i don’t want to say the wrong thing, but i’m also not sure there’s exactly a right thing to say. people rarely want to have these conversations and i’m rarely the person they want to go to with it - a lot of people seem to think that the word “suicide” is going to break me in half (it won’t, by the way). all i know is that it’s been nearly nine years and i don’t miss or love my best friend any less for it. i think of him on his birthday and the anniversary of his death and every day between the two. i still message him on facebook sometimes, and i can’t remember what his laugh sounded like, which really hurts me to admit. i don’t say this to make you feel guilty. it isn’t your fault and i don’t want you to feel bad because of something you didn’t ask for in the first place. it’s just the truth. not your fault, not mine, not anybody else’s.

i hope that one day you don’t have this guilt and that you will want to live just for the sake of living. i hope that it really does get better for you, corniness be damned. i hope that you understand that you really are loved, simply by the virtue of being a human being with inherent worth. i love you, and i don’t even know you. i love you because our paths have crossed, however unlikely, and you have had a real impact on my heart. i hope you believe me when i say that.

if you ever want to come back and talk more, about this or anything else, my ask and DMs are always open. come anonymously or not, to talk about grief or guilt or a tv show or anything else on the face of the earth. i am always here, and i mean that, from the bottom of my heart. other people are all we’ve got.

i apologize if i am overly sentimental or ridiculous but i do genuinely believe every word that i have typed here & i hope that they mean something to you 💛

[miraculousrainbow]

Sleeping In The Bathroom Is Better Than Home

Description:

Chat noir cannot stand being at home anymore and by chance stumbles upon Marinette wich turns into an unexpected sleepover

Hurt/comfort

Marichat (can be viewd as romantic or platonic)

Oneshot

Trigger warnings : mention of verbal abuse, mentions of neglect, discussions of bad mental health, bad mental health, insomnia, anxiety, trapping a child mention (ask to tag)

"Im done and sick of it"

He couldnt think straight, he just knew that he needed to get out as fast as he can

Plag popped out in a look of concern but before he could say anything Adrien already climbed out the window and yelled "Plagg claws out" and jumped out

His movement wasent his usual cat like swiftness

It was heavy and frantic

He was stumbling around in the dark and crashing into a wall or a random pole every once in a while but ignoring it as nothing happened and just, keeps going

He was going around blindly

With the only purpose of just, getting away

After a while of hanging about at the dark he calmed down a bit, but he was still fearful

His dad yelling still ringing in his ears and with each sound feeling like another hit

"Ignore it he insisted"

"You are here, you are safe, you are not at home anymore."

"You are safe." he whispered to himself loudly with a bit of a panic in his voice and a desperation to make these words feel true

But it was getting late he knew that soon he will need to go back home but he couldnt bring himself

He would rather sleep outside

"The only problem is that he would be an easy target for hawkmoth or criminals depending on the form"

"Or he could just stay a-"

His thought had been cut mid sentence while he was walking he realised he sees a familiar light and in the light had been basking a familiar figure

"Marinette!" He exclaimed with relief in his voice

"It was nice seeing a friend out here and a light source when everything else seems so dark and bleak and eerily quiet..."

"Chat Noir?" Marinette blinked trying to figure out where the dark ends and where the cat starts

"Its nice to see you" he said with a sheepishly smile

"Is there an akuma" Marinette eyes darted from place to place while her expression seemed so focused she wouldnt miss a fly

"Not tonight princess" he replied feeling a bit guilty he made her worry

A sigh of relief escaped the teen's mouth and her expression softened

And when she looked up to his surprise she looked like she is actually happy to see him

"So what brings you here ~Chat Noir~." she said his superhero name like you would call someone a royalty title jokingly

"Wich... was fair, but! he just hoped she knew every time he called her princess it was full of fondness"

"Oh um, just going for a walk, getting some fresh air"

"At two at night"

"I can ask you the same princess" he stumbled on his words he didnt expect that

"He havent being keeping an eye on the hour"

"He hoped he wasent missing for too long"

"But with his father absence he sometimes thinks he could of being kidnaped by hawkmoth for days and he wouldnt even notice"

"and sometimes he could of just barged into the room out of the blue"

"For ones he hoped for the first one"

Marinette unexpectedly decided to be the first one to break the silence

"Thoughts, just too many thoughts" she replied honestly and wiped her eyes in tiredness and maybe tears

Even though her answer seemed quite generic he recognised the real weight these words hold

"You?" She asked softly in sleepiness

"I just couldnt handle staying there anymore"

He blurted out choking on a bit of tears

"Her honestly just made him feel like he couldnt keep it inside anymore and that he could just share it safely and it will be okay"

"Like he didnt have to keep it down anymore and he really couldnt not like this not when he finally feels safe and the adrenaline from earlier is starting to die out and the tiredness is kicking in"

"Not next to Marinette"

"When she just comes with honestly openness and without anything to hide behind"

"She could of waited a little longer he would have come up with a joke to sweep her off her feet or at least made her laugh thats a win too"

"And just have a normal conversation"

"But she chose openness and he couldnt help, but choose it too"

He was a bit shaking he didnt notice till Marinette put a hand on him "hey, do you wanna go talk inside?"

The cat was frozen in surprise at the sudden touch

but as soon as it went is as soon as it goes

"And I know your identity needs to remain a secret for yours and the safety of your loved ones"

"So tell me just as you can and want of course" she made a serious face in the end but he couldnt ignore how cute it was

He noded thankful and followed her in

"Not surprisingly her room was much warmer than the cold outside"

They set down and Marinette asked while fiddling with her fingers "So, what happened?"

"My dad just yelled at me"

"Again" he rolled his eyes with a snort of someone who learned to turn their anger into despair and nihilistic jokes

"Its or he leaves me alone and neglects me or he yells at me and traps me"

"And in the past it used to be or he neglects me and traps me or he yells at me and traps me"

"But good luck trapping Chat Noir ha ha" he said with exhaustion and finger guns

"Unless you are hawkmoth if he would of being I bet he would have trapped me then too" another bitter laugh escaped his mouth

"What about you?"

"So you know those nights when you try to go to bed and you just lay there but you cant stop thinking and your thought are running and running and you just start shaking and you cant stop and no matter what you cant sleep and you wish so badly you can but you just cant so you stand up cause you cant take it anymore"

She blurted out as well just more in a mini frantic tangent

Instead of a frantic blurt out

"So maybe" she says with a twirl of her hand like she tries to drag the word longer and just not let the sentence end

"Im having one of these nights"

She covered her face with her hand and looked away like she is even ashamed of having a problem

"Wich is super unfair everyone has problems" he scoffed in his head

"And also one thing was made sure by this conversation she was crying earlier"

"Actually yeah" he replied looking up from his knees and surprising them both

"I do get these nights from time to time"

"Now it was his turn to look away"

"Now he is the one feeling shame in having problems"

"Honestly, he thinks it made both of them feel better knowing they are not the only ones even though he and of course Marinette! would never wish this upon each other it was still nice being in the same boat"

"Its exhausting" she exclaimed and looked like she was trying to rest her had on air and getting grumpy each time it doesnt work

Chat tapped to time on his knees to signal that she can use him as a pillow

Marinette without taking a second thought took the invite and settled down

At the moment of contact Chat Noir felt like lightening were running up his spine he just hoped he didnt move

He wasent used to other ppl contact much

And he always withdrew away quite quickly

"Its not that he didnt like others touch"

"Its just that it would always overwhelm him so much"

"And it made him feel like he needed a break but every time he was ready to come back"

"There was nobody left"

"And lets not talk about how it was before school when there was nobody to begin with"

"She looked so comfortable like it was all natural being so close to someone and just putting your head down"

"He wishes he could feel like that too"

"He hopes one day he will"

After a moment of rest and a sigh of relief Marinette asked "So, whats the plan?"

"Kinda how he would of asked his lady on battle he wondered if thats how he looks like"

"Uh, I kinda planned on staying awake outside until I will collapse of exhaustion..."

"Well, thats a horrible plan."

"In retrospect, he agreed but its not like he had any other options" he thought to himself

"The only room with a decent lock is the bathroom but I cant let you sleep in the bathroom!"

"I considered sleeping outside so this sounds much better"

"Chat!" She protested

"Its not like I have any better options" he sighed into his hand

"Okie but Im putting a clock to 5 in the morning so you will be back before anyone notices"

"But then what about you? dont you need any sleep?"

"I dont think I will fall asleep befor 5 am to be honest" she made an awkward laugh in an attempt to make it seem not as bad

"And, having company for a change even if will be a sleeping one soon is nice."

She looked up to him still resting on his lap with a soft smile that looks like it means Im really thankful you are here but you need to go to sleep now

"Marinette I-" he couldnt help but let a sigh of relief escape his mouth "I cant thank you enough"

"Hey what there are partne- pretty good friends for!"

"She started stammering. Now he was sure she was too tired for communication and needed some rest"

"So lets get ready for the sleep part in our kind of spontaneous sleepover!" she said like it was all part of just a regular late night party

He chuckled and replied with a simple sappy "yeah" and he got ready to bed

And in a long time he actually had a good sleep even though it was in the bathroom

The end <3

Update: thank you everyone for the feedback!!!

[hockeytrashgoblin]

Ice Cold ~Part 16

A/N: This has way more parts than I planned so oops

I was trying so hard to wake up, to ease William's mind, but I just couldn't. I was aware of pain radiating from my spine and guessed that wasn't fully healed yet. It was getting closer though, I could feel the bones coming together. Once they were I could feel myself coming back. It was like when you're underwater looking up, just about to break the surface. I opened my eyes I noticed everything was brighter. It took me a second to focus on William but when I did my heart was breaking and exploding at the same time. He was so beautiful. I could see everything, every individual eyelash and slight freckle. His eyes had so many more shades than I ever thought possible. He was absolutely gorgeous but he was crying.

"William, baby, don't cry."

"You're awake! Thank God. Thank God. Oh my God." He kissed me between his words. "I didn't think you were going to."

"Why not?"

"You were so weak and so hurt. I thought you didn't get enough of my blood to make a difference."

"I'm strong Willy. I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't know how you fought werewolves off long enough for us to get there."

"That's what they were? I just thought they were gross." I said making him laugh.

"Well they are gross." He laid his head on my stomach and smiled.

"Did you really kill Peter..?"

"I'm sorry love, I thought he'd killed you. I was so upset."

"Will he hurt me. Badly. I would have died if it wasn't for you guys. I don't think he would've stopped if you'd left him alive. I'm not upset with you. Or scared of you so don't even start with that bullshit."

"I love you."

"Love you." I played with his hair while he just laid down quietly.

I stared at him. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed either. There was just so much detail I never noticed before that made him so much more beautiful than I ever thought before which is really saying something. He wasn't cold anymore which was strange. I must've given something away because he broke our nice silence.

"What's the matter?" He murmured warmly.

"Well I know the voice still works." I teased flicking his nose making him laugh. "I was just thinking about how strange it is that you're not cold anymore. You're really warm now."

"I thought that was going to take some getting used to for me as well but you're still warm to me. No heartbeat and no blushing though are going to be tough."

"I'm sure you'll still know when I'm flustered or embarrassed."

"You just make it so easy." He poked my nose with a big smile on his face.

"Uh hey! Mitch told me to bring this up for (y/n)." Auston said holding a tumbler.

"That smells incredible what is that?"

"It's blood baby."

"Oh. I didn't realize that the smell of it would change so much."

"Mitch put it in a cup because it took him some getting used to. He thought I'd would be easier for you not out of a blood bag."

"That's really sweet. Thanks Auston. Will you tell him thank you for me?"

"Sure I will when he gets back. He and Kasperi went out to hunt. Last night was rough on them. You lost a lot of blood. Everywhere." 

"I can never repay you guys for what you did for me. Like I really can't think you enough." I teared up and wiped my eyes getting up.

"Honey don't cry."

"We couldn't let you die." Auston said shrugging.

"You guys risked everything. You chased after werewolves to save me. You're all so brave and incredible. I'm going to hug you Auston." 

"You don't have to." He said as I got up.

"Yes I do." I gave him a hug and he just stood there awkwardly before patting my head. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. I'm gonna go now. Give you guys some time together before we have to go to extra practice." He left leaving me confused.

"What does he mean extra practice?"

"Mo and Mitch went to practice yesterday afternoon but the rest of us stayed here because I was unconscious still. We have to go do practice today before the game."

"What time is it?"

"Probably around 7am? 8 maybe? I don't know I've been sitting here all night."

"Oh shit work! I'm so gonna get fired."

"No you won't darling. Mitch called Amy and told her we couldn't find you. It wasn't a lie. I called and told her we found you but that you weren't in good shape. I was crying so she really bought it. It was true you were in really bad shape. Your boss called me while you were still out and I told her roughly what happened."

"What do you mean roughly what happened?"

"The story is that you got kidnapped and the police found you in the abandoned hospital all cut up. You have 2 months off to recover."

"That's so long."

"But if you had to recover from those injuries naturally it would've taken longer than that. I knew you wouldn't want to wait longer. This just gives you a chance to get your bearings and figure out being human again. Speaking of not being human, please drink before it gets sticky. It will be awful then."

"Oh okay." I took the cup from him and brought it to my lips before taking it away. "Is it weird that I'm nervous?"

"Absolutely not baby. Just think of it like a milkshake or something. Dont think of it as what it is. You'll feel better after you're done and I'll be able to see your pretty brown eyes again."

"Oh they aren't brown?"

"No when you first change they'll be red for a little while. Take a drink."

"Okay. Okay. I can do this. It smells good, I can do it." I was nervous and stopped myself a couple times before I just went for it and drank. Once I started I couldn't stop. It was thick which was a weird consistancy but it was sweet and the burning in my throat went away immediately. Before I knew it, it was all gone. I frowned and Will laughed.

"You can have some more later. We have to pace you or you'll over drink. I want you to know when you're full and you'll only know that when you do it slowly."

"Okay that sounds reasonable."

"You'll have to drink more than we do because of how new you are and probably how much blood you lost but still. Pacing yourself is important."

"Okay dad, I get it." I said rolling my eyes.

"Hey I'm just trying to help make this easier on you." He frowned at me and I took his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry William, I know you are. Thank you my love." I gave him a kiss.

"You're not mad at me are you?"

"What? Of course not! Why would you think that?"

"You just seem kind of cranky. I was worried that you regretted changing."

"You think I regret you saving my life? Seriously?"

"Well when you say it like that it sounds silly."

"Because it is silly. I told you I wanted this. I asked you to do it. I knew what I was asking for."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Now stop worrying. I'm okay." I smiled at him and grabbed his hand standing up. "Come on, we're going on a walk."

"Are you sure you want to do that right now?"

"Absolutely. I want to be outside right now. Even if we just sit outside or something. I want to experience outside."

"It might be a little overwhelming at first." He said leading the way to the back deck. 

"Why?"

"Lots of things to pay attention to and hear."

"Well I should probably get used to that before going back to work right?"

"Yeah I guess this is the best first step for that." He opened the door and as soon as he did there was so much new stuff I wasn't ready for.

I heard the wind, I heard birds singing, birds flying, animals eating and running around. I could see so much further than before, probably a mile or so. If I focused a little I could see a ladybug walking two stories down from me. There was so much to see and hear.

"What do you think?" He asked, running over to me. I heard him.

"Kinda weird that I can hear you move now. I know that's not what you meant."

"I'll find other ways to scare you, don't worry." He grinned and kissed me. "But for real, how do you feel?"

"I never want to go back in the house again. I love this so much. I can see everything! Hear and feel everything!"

"What do you mean feel everything?"

"I don't know just like the wind and water in the air and stuff."

"I don't think that's what you're feeling love."

"It is. Why wouldn't it be?"

"We don't feel that kind of stuff. It's just not that much, we aren't that sensitive."

"Oh. Okay. Maybe it's something else then. Oou! Mitchy is back!"

"He's not back yet babe, he's still pretty far away."

"I'm going to go meet him!"

"Sure (y/n) go ahead!" I jumped off the balcony laughing.

"Willy did you see that?!"

"Sure did baby. Go get Mitch. He'll be excited to see you awake."

"Okay here I go."

I took a deep breath out of habit and took off. It was incredible. If running was like this when I was human I would've done it my whole life. No heavy breathing or sweating or sore legs. And speed! I was so fast! It took no time for me to jump the boys.

"Mitchy!"

"Ow fuck." He yelled falling on the ground.

"Oh come on I can't hurt you!"

"You actually can now. You're pretty strong as a newborn."

"Oh shit I'm sorry. I didn't even think of that." I pulled him up and we started running again back towards the house.

"I'll race you (y/n)."

"I'll kick your ass Kappy."

"Alright then let's go." He went faster and I groaned.

"No fair, you got a head start!" I yelled running after him. To my surprise I overtook him easily. I ran until I saw the house and jumped up the side of the house to William.

"Fuck you're fast." Kasperi said climbing up the stairs like a normal person. Mitch came up a few seconds later.

"This is going to be so fun." Mitch said excitedly.

"I'm so excited to see everything I can do!" I exclaimed, jumping up on the railing.

"Baby get down."

"No! I can't get hurt anymore, I'm going to have fun." I jumped off towards a tree giggling as I flew through the air. I smacked into the tree and hung on. I jumped back over and smacked into William. He was a little sturdier and I didn't knock him over although he did stumble.

"You're going to give me an aneurism."

"No I won't."

"I can't stop you either because you look just so precious." He smiled sweetly and gave me a kiss as Kasperi made a gagging noise going inside the house.

"Do you want to go for a run and maybe a swim?"

"A swim? Will it's cold."

"Won't affect you."

"Oh shit true! Okay yeah let's go!"

We ran for a while. I have no idea how long or how far but eventual we were at these beautiful cliffs with water under them.

"I figured you'd want to jump off of something." He said with a grin.

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves

[bytheangell]

hi! I dont know if you're taking prompts or not but if you are could write magnus not wanting to see alec after lorenzo takes his magic back. like realistically he knows this isnt alecs fault but also a part of him is angry at alec for having to give up his magic for him not once but twice. and he stays with catarina or rapahel for a while

what am i becoming(Read on AO3)

“I have everything I need right here,” Magnus returned defiantly, determined in the heat of the moment not to show how truly broken he felt over having magic taken away from him twice now. He allows Alec to hold him in the aftermath, to comfort him, repeating soft reassurances into the side of his neck, breathing sighs of relief against his hair. And why shouldn’t he be relieved? Alec got what he wanted when he called Lorenzo here in the first place. And what does Magnus have? What does he get out of this deal?

He knows it isn’t fair, but the resentment towards Alec for the decision he practically forced upon him begins to grow almost immediately. Every time Alec smiles at him, every time Alec mentions how he’s going to be alright now, that he’s going to be better, Magnus feels the bitterness inside him grow. Alec didn’t make the decision, he has no right to blame him… but what he feels just then is far from rational and so he blames him anyway.

Magnus says he needs some air and Alec offers to go for a walk, Magnus shakes his head. He wants to go alone. He wants to clear his head. But Alec is insistent and Magnus can see that hint of fear in his eyes, that bit of him that’s afraid of what Magnus might do still after the decision he almost made earlier. So he smiles and agrees, but instead of clearing his head he just feels flares of anger every time Alec smiles, or laughs, or looks like things are okay now, even just for a second. He’s surprised to realize how furious he is over how content Alec is with the way things are right now.

“Come on, let’s go back to my room for the night. You must be exhausted.” Alec says when the sun starts to set, tugging Magnus’ hand in the direction of the Institute.

Except Magnus doesn’t move. He stands perfectly still, rooted to the spot, paralyzed by the idea of going back there not as a Warlock (which was bad enough) but as a Mundane. He’d take the judgement of Shadowhunters over their pity any day of the week.

“No.” Magnus says, realizing that he can’t keep doing this.

“...no? I mean we can keep walking, but it’s getting late and-”

“No, not-” Magnus starts, then stops again. “This isn’t about the walk, Alexander. It’s about-” he huffs, the emotions finally becoming so overwhelming they tumble out of him in clips and phrases instead of coherent thoughts. “I can’t go back there. I can’t stay at the Institute.”

“Oh,” Alec says, face falling before he recovers a bit. “Alright. Well, it’s late but I’m sure there’s somewhere with a vacancy we can find.”

Magnus considers this, wondering if it’d be enough distance from the situation to clear his head a bit, but the moment he looks over at that hesitant, hopeful half-smile on Alec’s face, a confused expression that very clearly reads ‘I don’t know why you’re making this harder than it has to be for me to help you’ look, he knows he can’t agree to that, either.

“I think I need some time away… from all of this.”

“Oh,” Alec repeats, but this time there’s no recovering once the realization hits him. “You don’t just want to get away from the Institute, you want to get away from me.”

“It isn’t personal-” “It isn’t personal that you don’t want to be with me?” Alec cuts in, but immediately winces as the words leave his mouth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” But Alec trails off, not sure what to say. “I just want to help you, Magnus. Please, let me be here for you.”

Magnus feels a wave of guilt on top of the anger and pain he’s already drowning under at the look of hurt on Alec’s face, the desperation he feels evident in his words.

“I don’t think those two things can be synonymous right now, Alexander,” Magnus admits. He can’t look at Alec and feel grateful that he’s alive if it’s at the cost of his magic. And he can’t keep shoving the resentment down every time Alec says something meant to be reassuring. He prays that Alec will understand, or at least not fight him on this one, because he doesn’t think he has the strength to say those things to his boyfriend’s face.

There’s a long, strained silence that follows. Magnus feels the tightness in his chest as he anxiously waits for any sort of reaction from Alec, and Alec’s eyes dart back and forth across Magnus’ face, reading him and assessing the situation the best he can before speaking again.

“Okay. If that’s what you need right now, if that’s what’s going to help you…” It’s obvious that Alec doesn’t agree with the decision, but he nods just the same, giving a resigned sigh. “Where will you go?”

Magnus, admittedly, hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Catarina’s?” He doubts she’ll turn him away, and if she does for some reason he can always get himself a motel, or something.

“Alright. I’ll just-- call me when you’re there?” Alec looks more unsure of himself than Magnus has seen him in weeks. His hands fidget like he doesn’t know where to put them, eyes moving across all of Magnus, unable to settle on where to look but unable to meet his gaze.

“Of course.” Just in case there’s any doubt, because Magnus knows how this looks, he knows how it must sound, he crosses the space between them and places a soft kiss to the corner of Alec’s mouth. “I love you.” It isn’t a lie. He’s angry, and frustrated, and more than a little overwhelmed, but he still loves Alec and all his well-meant intentions, even if he can’t be around them at the moment.

“I love you, too.” Alec replies, and the tension in his shoulders eases slightly at the words.

Magnus manages the briefest flicker of a half-smile before turning and walking away.

---

Cat, a better friend than he deserves most of the time, welcomes him into her apartment with open arms. She doesn’t pry at first, instead giving him some time to himself while she volunteers to portal over to the Institute and grab a few things of his from Alec’s room for him. It’s a small gesture but it shows she already knows exactly why he’s here, even before he’s able to get his head straight enough to explain it out loud.

When she gets back he’s already asleep on the sofa so she puts a blanket over him and goes to sleep herself.

At first he isn’t sure if staying with two warlocks is going to help. Catarina asks exactly once, the first morning he wakes up to her cooking breakfast using her magic, if she’d prefer for her and Madzie to not use their powers around him. It’s a kind gesture but he turns it down. The reminders hurt, but he feels no ill will towards them for having it. It’s a good start to figuring out exactly where his emotions over losing Lorenzo’s magic are coming from, at least.

He still feels lost, though. Losing this replacement magic somehow hurts more, probably because he has nothing to show for it in return. He didn’t do it to save Jace, or Alec. He did it to save himself, and it hardly seems worth it if this is the life he saved.

He sleeps a lot. He plays with Madzie. He forces himself to check the paper for apartments, chest aching just a little every time one boasts the walk-in closet Alec promised him, and he makes himself useful around Cat’s place so he isn’t just freeloading. He drinks, but not around Cat or Madzie, only at night after they both go to sleep. For the first two days he just tries to not think about anything at all, which is impossible, but he makes a valiant effort. He certainly doesn’t talk about losing his magic, or Alec, or why he left to come here.

In fact, he doesn’t sit down to talk with Catarina about everything that drove him here until the third day.

“I’m just so angry at him, Cat. For going to Lorenzo for help. For taking my magic away from me twice. If it wasn’t for him I could’ve kept it. I would’ve kept it.” He knows of all the things to blame Alexander for, being upset that he, essentially, saved Magnus’ life hardly seems fair.

But Magnus’ life is far from fair right now.

“One some level I know I shouldn’t be so mad. I could’ve said no, but...”

“But you know he wouldn’t accept any other decision.” Cat fills in. “I know. He talked to me quite a bit  while you were unconscious. It was… he loves you. A lot. So much so it clouds his ability to think objectively about things like this; to see them from your side, and not just his.”

“He wouldn’t even hear me out when I tried to explain it might be worth… worth the risk.” They both knew what that risk was, but he couldn’t look his oldest friend in the eyes and admit he would be willing to consider leave even her right now, if it got his magic back for a short while. “After everything he said to me, how was I supposed to tell him I still needed it? He forced my hand - if I kept it, it would’ve been as good as saying I didn’t care about him.”

Catarina says nothing, sipping at the warm mug in her hands, the last of her omelette forgotten. “This isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be, but he’s so goddamn fine with it. He’s just as happy to watch me grow old and die without batting an eyelash. I love him, Cat. But I can’t love him while I’m so consumed with this… despair sounds so goddamn dramatic, but I feel like my very soul is missing without magic.”

“Then you need to make sure he understands that. He just wants you alive. He needs you to be here, and that’s enough for him. He obviously doesn’t understand why that isn’t enough for you. And you,” she says, tone turning pointed. “Need to decide if this life can be enough for you, one day. Because we’re all still trying to find ways to get you magic back. But if we can’t…”

Magnus shudders involuntarily at the thought. He knows it’s a very real possibility that this is it for him. He just can’t accept it the way everyone around him seems to be able to.

“You’re the one who has to live it, Magnus. But if you keep pushing everyone away who tries to help then you’re going to be living it alone. I’ve seen you go down that road once before and I’d rather not watch it happen again.”

He nods, and then retreats the guest room that Cat set up for him after he fell asleep on the sofa that first night. He has a lot to think about… things he probably should’ve been working on the past few days instead of ignoring them. Sleep doesn’t come easily, not with everything weighing on his mind after he closes his eyes, and when it does come it’s restless, his body’s tossing and turning reflective of the back-and-forth inside his head on what he needs to do next.

---

Magnus wakes up early enough to make breakfast every morning after the first, and by the fourth morning he and Madzie are already developing a bit of a routine.

“Good morning, Sweetheart!” Magnus says, waking the young warlock up to eat. “I made pancakes, better get them before they’re cold and all the whipped cream melts!”

She bounds out of bed eagerly, and Catarina laughs. “If I knew a little whipped cream at breakfast was the trick to getting her out of bed I would’ve stocked up ages ago,” she chuckles.

“I’m glad you’re sleeping over so often,” Madzie says after her first forkful of food. “But Alec misses having you sleep over with him, even though he doesn’t want you to know that. I think you should go back, I don’t mind sharing! I bet he misses the pancakes, too. He looked really sad when I was telling him about them.” The words tumble out in innocence as she takes another large bite.

“...when did you talk to Alec, Madzie?” Cat questions, taking a few steps into the dining area.

She ducks her head down at the question. “I went to see him last night. Just real quick, and he wasn’t mad, I promise! I just wanted to say hi.”

Magnus frowns. Madzie asked to see Alec a couple of times over the last few days, or to have Alec come over with Magnus. They kept saying he was busy, but clearly Madzie decided she missed him too much to buy that for another day.  

“Madzie! You can’t just do things like that without asking me first!” Cat scolds, a worried look on her face aimed not at Madzie, but at Magnus, who bites down on his lower lip.

“But you said I can always trust Alec,” she points out, confused, and Magnus’ heart aches. The last thing he wants is for her to think she can’t go to him just because they’re having a… whatever this is. It’s hardly a fight when Alec just nodded and let him walk away, after all. “Of course you can. And I bet he was thrilled to see you, Sweetpea.” Magnus says, with a strange, strained look on his face. “...I should call him. Excuse me.”

A minute later he’s in the hallway, Alec’s contact info pulled up on his cell.“Alexander? Are you busy today? I’d like to come over and talk... If you want to.”

---

Two hours later and Magnus knocks on the door to Alec’s office before going in, feeling far more nervous than he wants to be.

“What, no pancakes?” Alec asks, eyebrow raised. “I don’t know what you’re--” Magnus starts, but Alec only shakes his head.

“I know Madzie told you she was here. Why else would you call all of a sudden?” Magnus is positive he can hear an underlying current of bitterness there. It isn’t entirely undeserved; he didn’t so much as text Alec after he walked away after their walk 4 days ago. “It isn’t like that. I just… I didn’t want to talk and not have anything to say. Or say the wrong things. I had to get my thoughts in order and figure out what I needed, and not do it in the pressure of the moment.” Honest, he reminds himself. He promised Cat he’d be honest, even if it hurt, otherwise what was the point?  

“And do you? Have it all figured out now?” Alec asks, but his words are softer now. Magnus thinks, just for a second, he sees a flash of worry cross Alec’s face.

“No. But I have a better idea now than I did in that Infirmary, I think.” Magnus admits. He takes a deep breath and lets go. Everything he thought, everything he felt, from blaming Alec for guilting him into the decision he made to how he really feels without his magic, no sugar coating it this time, and everything in between. He talks for minutes on end, and when he falls silent Alec says nothing, only waits and listens.

Really listens this time, hearing the things he doesn’t want to, and Magnus watches him hurt more with every confession Magnus gives, every truth he bears. It’s the most vulnerable he’s felt with anyone, ever. And the fact that he’s allowing himself to do this here, with Alec, makes everything fall into place for him.

This is him at his worst - angry, afraid, irrational, hopeless. Every quality of his that ever pushed someone away, every irredeemable thought that made him unlovable, is wrapped up inside of him now in this moment. And instead of leaving, Alec stays. He sits. He listens to every word but he stays.

For Magnus.

The realization stops him mid-sentence.

“...what is it?” Alec asks, speaking for the first time since Magnus started because there’s a strange look on his face that wasn’t there before.

“Nothing, I just... realized something.” Magnus says, surprised at the small smile forming on his lips at inescapable truth that if there’s someone he’s willing to try making this work with, it’s Alec. He’s already lost his magic. It’s gone, done, and there’s nothing he can do about it. But he hasn’t lost Alec… not yet.

If Alec still sees something in him worth keeping, something worth fighting for, perhaps he owes it to the both of them to stay and see if Alec’s right.  

[beyainica-blog]

Weight on 2/3/19

I am 105.2kg or 231.9lbs

So much to say. Honestly it’s therapeutic to write these posts and having accountability its also nerve wracking and time consuming. I feel pressured too. I know not that many or anyone at all is really paying attention to me but it just feels overwhelming. But I will be able to look back at this and hopefully be proud

Weight

Honestly I’m just as shocked as anyone who might stumble on this weight loss journey. I don’t know why I’m losing 2-4lbs a day on this liquid diet. At first I was like oh, I have pneumonia, I’m taking phentermine and its a liquid diet I expect to lose alot of weight. Especially the first week thats typical. But I have been doing the liquid diet for over a week. I’m not “sick” anymore I might still be fighting off the infection (probably why I sweat so much I’ll get into that later) so I don’t get it. I feel like my scale is wrong, but we’ll see at the doctors office. My scale was 1lb off so it was pretty accurate. I just feel like my eyes are decieving me. On my water fast. I lost weight much slower. Granted I didn’t move around at all. Didn’t drink that much water. But now I don’t drink that much liquid. In fact I was less than sedentary so I wouldn’t faint I was pretty weak. On the liquid diet I’m still weak but not as much because of the sugars in powerade or whatever I’m drinking. I move around ALOT in comparison. I didn’t have a job during my water fast and I wasn’t very active except for school. And I only had ONE class. I have a job that I move around alot AND I workout every morning even though I don’t eat anything. I know being at such a high weight I will lose quickly but I didn’t think it would be THIS quick. If this is true of course I’m fucking happy this is exactly what I wanted. But its just too good to be true and I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want to jinx it. If this is true I want this to continue until I get to 170. I’ll be the happiest girl in the fucking world. I think its true though. Even if the scale is wrong its still super motivating to see the scale move and thats whats keeping me going

Body.

Honestly I can kind of see the weight loss. My pants are looser. My boobs are reducing. My stomach is SLOWLY but surely reducing. My legs look leaner. My arms are kind of reducing too. I feel like I really am losing this weight. But again we shall see at the doctors office coming soon. In about 19-20 days

Phentermine

I stopped taking phentermine. Why? Well because I have anxiety already. My heart rate is already elevated. I also am fat with high cholesteral so my heart is even more elevated. At rest my pulse is 80 thats a bit high for someone my age. The amount of caffiene in there is just too much for me right now. I was fearful of what could happen to me if I kept taking it. I’m all about doing ANYTHING to lose weight but I don’t want to die. Does phentermine work? Um YES. It doesn’t inherently cause weight loss I have been losing the same if not more being off it. It helps you not feel hunger pains or hunger. Off it I have to deal with hunger which is way better than potentially getting a stroke. Maybe I will get the pill cutters and just take half. I’m waiting to get to 200lbs or 199lbs to try it again. Yes I intend to still take it and on my next visit I am getting more. Why? Because it had helped me so far. It does work. Its my own fault I cannot take them. I intend to get the 3 month supply and store it for anytime I binge in the future. My heart rate has a direct correlelation to my weight if my weight reduces so will my heart rate and obviously everything else. 230 I remember having issues with bp thats what I weighed at the end of the semester in college. I know that because I donated plasma and sometimes turned away because of how high my heart rate was. So if I lose another 30lbs I should be fine. Though I still will start with half. See how it goes. Yeah phentermine was making my workouts difficult. I felt like my heart was going to pop out my chest. Anxiety, caffiene and exercise is not a good combination. Now I don’t struggle with my workouts since I stopped taking it.

Weight Reality

I havent properly gushed about my weight loss so far. I can’t believe I got here. I use to stay at the same 252 or shoot back up to 268 and stay there. Now I’m ALMOST IN THE FUCKING 220’s. Literally 2lbs away. And Valentines day is 10 days away. I will hit my first goal weight in a week. Which technically was my valentines weight goal intially but I feel like I will be less by then. 220’s then the 210’s before you know it I will be 200 and THEN I WILL TASTE THE 100’s I cannot weight to be out the 200’s I never want to see it again. EVER. Ugh can it come quicker. (I mean its already coming pretty quick lmao) I’m just impatient. My goal since its monday 2/4/19 is to lose 5kg in the next 5 days. I want to be 100kg by the time I get to work. 100kg exactly is 220lbs omg. Thats 11lbs in 5 days. With the way my weight loss has been going I really feel like I can do it fly by the 230’s quickly. If I dont binge. Speaking of that

Cravings/Binge

I am fighting a potential binge

EVERY FUCKING TIME I GET ON THE VERGE OF A NEW WEIGHT (232,242,252) EVERY FUCKING TIME I AM ABOUT TO GET INTO A NEW WEIGHT RANGE I WANT TO BINGE. I have said this before and I will REPEAT it until I get to my goal weight.

I want CHICKEN. Omg I fucking love fried chicken so much its not fucking fair. Ugh TENDERS AND WHITE GRAVY. I want a family pack and fries. I want to dip and eat all day. SUCH A DISGUSTING FAT FANTASY but I can’t help it. I really want RAMEN. Chicken flavored obviously but spicy too. Ugh. I want to try the new flaming hot doritos. I WANT CARAMEL CHOCOLATES. I fucking want subway lol why. I want egg and sausage burritos. I want PAPA JOHNS EXTRA LARGE PIZZA with extra cheese bacon, ham, pepperoni.

I want ALL of this in one day. Now you see why I had continous binge cycles. Because I wanted all my cravings satisfied. Thats alot of food even for a fat ass like me. It could take me days to eat all of that. And thats just today as feburary passes I will just get more cravings with new foods.

Here is why I’m not going to give in. Because I know it won’t be just one day binge. I know I will gain weight. I am so close to my first goal weight. I am treated better the more weight I lose. I will deter my cam girl job, I wont move out as quick.

I lost my train of thought. Anyway I’m waiting for my calculated and planned binge. Knowing I will have these foods again is comforting it just feels like forever you know. I only get my binge if I reach 194-193 or lower. 199-195 isn’t enough. The goal is to GET OUT the 200’s and stay there. If I binge at 199 I will go back to 200. If I binge at 193 the most I will gain is 4lbs at most send me back to 197 which is very close to 200, but not 200!

Weightloss Goals & Plans

I want to be 220lbs or 100kg before I get back to work this friday. The 8th thats 4-5 days away. The mini goal is 5kg in 5 days but also. Lets go ahead and do 7kg in 7 days. I want to be 97-98kg by Sunday-Monday.

If I’m 220 by this friday. I should be 210 by valentines day. Which is next thursday.

Honestly I just really want to get to size 9 so I can go ahead buy these good fashion nova jeans and fit into size 9 pants my work jeans are getting to big. Like I’m not even saying it proudly its fucking annoying. I’m not buying anything thats not a size 9 I will keep wearing big ass pants and think nothing of it period.

What else?

So much but let me seperate it

I think thats it. I got alot more to get off my chest this is just the weightloss portion.

The liquid diet is meh. I miss eating. I DONT MISS exercising everything off only to lose half a pound. I do enjoy the fast weightloss. I like powerade so its whatever. I dont have a choice being this fat you do what you can. I might switch it up once I hit the 180’s which is 40lbs away.

[songbirdtayler]

I still want to die. Some days not as badly but it's still an urge in the back of my head. Things are getting worse. My mom is dying. Im trying not to completely unravel. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to be me. She feels so far away. I dont know how to get back to her. I'm so fucking overwhelmed. Im not equipped enough to take of my mom she's getting worse. The help I do have taking care of her is pretty much slim to none. My brother refuses to help take her to bathroom then though he's much closer to her in terms of rooms. She could get hurt or have an accident waiting but nope I gotta do it cause he fucking can't. He says it's not fair to him when it's not fair to me..I do over 90% of the work taking care of her..he just sometimes gets her a food or drink or helps her with her phone that's it. And if I bring it up again it will be just another please listen to how bad everything is for me. I could tell him I want to kill myself and he would be like please don't put me through that I'm going through enough as it is and then proceed to talk about all his issues and why they are worse then mine. I swear to God I'm so fucking close to snap. I don't know much more of this I can take.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[leonbastralle]

Replies!

yet again i waited a while oops (also look at this wonderfully creative title would you) but here they are finally!! tumblr kept eating half of them and here i thought they finally had that fixed -.-

anyway thanks for your support my dudes!! it’s appreciated ♥♥

thatsimslove replied to your photoset

This is a gorgeous picture 😍

thank you!! this place is so perfect for a wedding ;_;

peachbobs replied to your photo “wow thanks”

scroll the top thingy all the way over and make sure safe mode is off !!

i did that! tumblr just does that sometimes when nobody’s tagged you in anything for too long XD

volcanopasta replied to your photoset

Return of the flower beard!

YESSSSSSSSSSS i could not let this opportunity go to waste!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Gen 6 is finally complete with Bay and Breeze!”

😍

worth the pregnancy and baby drama, huh? i love all these kids so much wait till you see them as children!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Gen 6 is finally complete with Bay and Breeze!”

Ahh cuties!!

Breeze might be favourite now haha

bay’s probably MY new fave xD but breeze is good! she has quite a lot of connie tho i think (re: that one comment that comes later bc replies don’t know chronological order abt wave looking like connie)

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “Gen 6 is finally complete with Bay and Breeze!”

Breeze may challenge Wave. *-*

Only kidding, Wave is life.

WAVE WILL FOREVER RULE OUR HEARTS!!!! crazy hat lady ♥

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset

I see a lot of Connie in her here lol

this is literally the only pic i could find of puffy cheeked connie (good old times) and wave definitely has char’s eyes and nose, but she just generally looks like a miracle i guess XD

hellerie replied to your photoset “So…this is us.“ “It seems. Fuck. This is…“ “Good? Weird?” “That, and...”

k i did read it all and u did kill me thanks for that

nice way to spend a saturday night init

in a grave

our rented one? If u wanna hop it

is it bad that i feel accomplished? xD i made you FEEEEEEEEL but sure thing i too am always dead you know that let’s do some grave cuddling

monets-pixels replied to your photoset

👀

bet you expected more smut and what you got was stammering overwhelmed boys oops

volcanopasta replied to your photoset “It’s @twinsimskeletons‘ birthday today so I had to take a few pics of...”

this is so cute!!

ahsjgajshfgajsfhagsfjas thank you ;_; i hate eaxis so much for releasing c&d this late these 2 deserved a doggo all along!

socialbunnies replied to your post “i promise i haven’t forgotten abt you guys!! i’ve just been lurking...”

tbh I love the gameplay stuff soOoOoOooOoooO <3

aaaaaaaaaaaa rly ;_; i’ll have to frame that and put it somewhere to look at whenever i want to throw all my caps in the trash again xD thank you so much! i hope story bits are ok too ;)

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “C: Fair enough! How about you and mum? Are you guys good, too? S:...”

The flower beard will return

connielotte is getting married and everyone’s just thirsty for the flower beard i cannot believe

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “HUGS FOR EVERYONE”

I'll have to give a virtual one for now, but one day! ;)

soonish, maybe ;) ;)

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “T: Hey guys! Talkin shit about me?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

whatttt let the boy live

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Oh wow! After Char had the triplets, I admit I didn’t think I’d...”

I LOVE THIS

SISTERSSSSSSS

yESSSSSSSSS sometimes i forget i cry and they used to be so close ;_; glade needs to please come over more again! i remember the last time was when she was pregnant with coriander...oh boy

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “This boy aged up beautifully!”

and my boy there he is

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Well hello there my dearest nephew! Aren’t you a good child! T:...”

THERE SHE IS THAT'S MY GIRL

in which ebonyi adopts all annie’s sims (aka sims she received from others and sims she bred from two sims she received from others oops)

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “In case you were wondering where Tide is, he’s still alive and...”

Tide whom?

we don’t know a tide in this house we worship the hat lady

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “S: What do you mean, there’s no more soup???”

give! her! more! soup!

More Soup For Shore 2k18 is gonna be my new motto ok but seriously this is now a thing shore is a soup lover

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “™¥”

its a good thing that char has taken the bottles out bc connie sure looks like shes thirsty

who says she wants the bottles tho

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “If it looks like Char’s always mixing, that’s…because she is. I’m...”

I love (1) woman

s a m e

twinsimskeletons replied to your post “4 glow flame and connie and 5 emusci james and kane >:)”

this made me laugh. thank you for making me laugh

no problem ;)

inkwisteria replied to your photoset “Look who Char’s working with ♥”

My girl! <3

berrysweetboutique replied to your photoset “Look who Char’s working with ♥”

♡

i know right!!! it’s so nice to see she’s still around tho her cap glitches terribly i need to see what i can do abt that i rly need them to have a work bromance

simxnoire replied to your photoset “This boy aged up beautifully!”

MY B A B Y

yesssssssssss he is grown!! there should be quite a few more pics of him in the queue too ;) and once gen 7 starts, well...you’ll need to see abt that he might stick around

hellerie replied to your photoset “This boy aged up beautifully!”

ok but im the painting of the alien thx 

a bEAUTIFUL ALIEN i think they took this one to the new house i’ll be sure to hang you in a nice spot XD

hellerie replied to your photoset

me whenever reylo slips through the cracks even tho i have the words rey and reylo blacklisted everywhere

me whenever ppl doNT TAG THEIR FUCKING T R I G G E R S

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “™¥”

I second that heart like nobody's business. @tainoodles​, you did so darn good.

i hope she read that xD mum!glade especially is something else

twinsimskeletons replied to your post “.”

v r00d v bad like oh my gosh the worst rudest person. (jk obv luv)

tumblr ate all the other comments to this post so i’m just gonna add them manually:

@penelope-and-wonders said: Never have been a bad person to me 😊 So no problems here 😊 

@amixofpixels said: Annie, you have never been rude or unwelcoming to me, and I don't think that will ever change. I know what it is like to overthink things and it sucks, but know that even though, I'm on hiatus, my messages are always open to you. And it's also I can give you all the love you deserve. <3 

@nernershuman said: You are the farthest thing from rude and unwelcoming. You're a sweetheart. 

@alfalfalegacy said: Never been rude to me. You've always been very sweet and welcoming 

thank you so much for taking your time to reply guys ♥ as chelsea said yes i very much love to overthink and it’s just like...better safe than sorry, you know? and now i don’t need to worry abt this for...another month or so xD i’m glad i’ve been doing alright! you guys are all amazing too tho!! giving me all the support i do not deserve i cry

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “S: What do you mean, there’s no more soup???”

food of the gods

:o

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “C: Oh, there you are, Jess! That’s…wow! That’s a pretty neat paintig!...”

It's Isaac Pigton discovering gravity obviously

i’m nominating this one for comment of the year thank you very much

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “when we returned home and she pulled me close for one last goodbye,...”

i mean did you write that? Because if so you should like... do more of that. That was very beautiful!

akjsfhaskfjhakjHADKJHASFKJAHSFSD tbh i’m still not over this AT ALL i’m crying YOU LOVE THIS AND I CAN’T i’ll try to do more!! let’s see if i’m inspired...i mean there IS the wedding night poem still tho that’s completely different AGAIN

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Just reading about the soloist and it says that here. Must be good,...”

I CRY PLS GIVE MY BOY TABASCO A NOBEL PRIZE HE DESERVES IT

he truly does for being a bomb friend to ficus wHERE IS GEN 8

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Tabasco? I’m heading out, are you done for the day? Do you need me to...”

ficus is doing a mighty poker face but i feel like his heart casually did a triple somersault in his chest

basically, a summary of poker face ficus with the extreme feelies

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Tabasco? I’m heading out, are you done for the day? Do you need me to...”

petition for more ficus with a tie!!!! also the expression ficus nooo its friday fuckt me up bc im like hell yea its friday its FIG FRIDAY

sdjkhfskdjhfskdjfhskfahkfsjasfasd i cRY fig fridays gonna b v boring this week i will fail u with old pics but also sure thing!! ill see what we can do abt tie ficus

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

yes pls seduce yarrow

would if i could

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

also was the theft of his heart a slow or quick heist i feel like we need to Discuss this

slow!! pavot rly isnt the person to do anything fast so it seems only fair. i mean there was definitely some initial attraction (and the whole wTF WHY IS THIS GODLY PERSON TALKING TO ME) but, in good annie fashion throwing my own traits on my chars as always, he discovered new smol details he found intriguing and/or adorable every time and at som point that made his heart do a lil jump but i dont think he knew how bad things were until That One Scene u kno the one bc i feel like thats too much of a spoiler to put into a reply post xD

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

i die so much at pavot one day hes gonna realize all his dang shirts are missing and when he does theyll already b cut in half smh

basically hell notice when he sees a certain someone wearing them that good stupid boy i love him

(also this killed me too i cry i m a g i n e)

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

tbh i too would b scared of stealing from calla

i bet even zazazazazazazazazazaz is

pixeldemographics replied to your post “tide, havelock, & coriander + 5!!”

i cry pls dont kill him for real

dw were good that would have no use in the story and you know i aint abt that

[arplis]

Arplis - News: My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 49 of 52

My 22 Goals for 2019

Goal #1 Spend More Time Doing What I Love

Red alert people, RED ALERT. It was 6 degrees this morning when I woke up. SIX!!! That.Is.Chilly. The Girl and I were going to walk Lucy on the beach this morning but those plans have been scraped. Gaaaa. I think if its 6 degrees outside, all bets are off and you can most certainly declare it a pajama day. Whos with me on this?

Goal #2 Garden, Garden, Garden

Garden are done for the year. Yipee!

Goal #3 Plant an Orchard {Calling it Quits on this one.}

Lemon baby #3 is on the way and we are patiently awaiting her arrival.

Goal #4 Gussy Up the Potting Shed Done!

I gussied up the potting shed at our old house, but I would like to add some sort of potting station to the backyard here somewhere, but Im not sure where I would put it yet.

I did come across this photo on Author Susan Branchs Instagram page though of a picture she tooth at Colonial Williamsburg. Isnt it cute? I think I need one of those.

Goal #5 Grow Enough Extra Vegetables, Eggs and Flowers to Earn $1500 at my little roadside vegetable stand.

It was totally my intention to grow a ton of fruits and vegetables to sell at the farm-stand when I made my list of goals for 2019 last winter, but then we moved. So, that whole goal was sort of a bust. I do miss it though.

Goal #6 Finish Every Single Unfinished Rug Hooking Project in My Pattern Bin + 10 Things from back Issues of Magazines/Books Ive Been Meaning to Make.

While I didnt add any new finished hooked rug pieces in my Etsy shop this past week, I did hook 4 totally new rugs {1 of which will become a kit and 2 will be offered as patterns} as well as hand dyed a bunch of wool {that I was able to get listed in my Etsy shop}.

I have decided to go back to my old schedule of only listing new hooked rugs items on the first Friday of every month for next year as it seems less stressful to me. It allows me more time to hook, rather than stopping every few days to take photo, write up description and then post a single piece online. Doing it all in one big swoop seems less chaotic to me.

73 rugs in my pattern bin {now down to 16} < SO CLOSE!

183 hooked flowers {finished 150, now down to 33}

10 things from back issues of magazines {finished 0}

Goal #7 Create 12 New Rug Hooking Patterns {with at least half of them being large ones} DONE!

So far this year Ive added 12 new rug hooking patterns and 14 beginner rug hooking kits to my Etsy shop. I just added Santa and Rudy 1892 yesterday and am hoping to squeeze one more kit in before the end of the year.

New rug hooking patterns Ive created and added to My Etsy Shop this year:

Santa and Rudy 1892

Tullia and Thomas Turkey

Double Nantucket Whale Runner

Miss Henny and Penny

Miss Penny

Simple Kitty

Primitive Flowers

2 Fat Cats

Annabells Big Day

Old Fashioned Double Tulip

Fat Brown Hen

Busy Little Bee

Queen Bee

Rug Hooking Kits

Busy Little Bee {in 2 different colors}

Folk Art Heart

Small Nantucket Whale

Primitive Crow

Miss Robin {in 2 different colors}

Simple Kitty

Primitive Flowers

Sunflowers

A Basket of Spring Posies

Fat Brown Hen

Chickys Garden

Goal #8 Split and Stack 2 Cords of Wood for Next Winter

All that firewood! We sold it.

Goal #9 Do Something with the 5,002 Photos on My Phone

Currently at 2415 Back up to 2565.

Goal #10 -Lose the Muffin Top Done!

Sweet digity!

Goal #11 Run, Walk or Crawl a 5k, 10k, Half Marathon and Marathon

As long as its not pouring rain tomorrow. The Girl and I are on for the Half Marathon. Wish us luck!

Goal #12 Read or Listen to 26 New Books {21 down, 5 to go}

No new books this week but we are planning a trip to the library later this week.

Books Ive Read or Listened to So Far This Year:

Marilla of Green Gables #1 Still my favorite

The Great Alone #2

The Aviators Wife #3

Before We Were Yours #4

Secrets of a Charmed Life #5

Whered You Go, Bernadette #6

Carnegies Maid #7

The Gown #8

Unbroken #9

Drama#10

The Alice Network #11

The Shape of Mercy #12

Wills Red Coat #13

Big Little Lies #14

Mr. Churchills Secretary

Born to Run

I Feel Bad About My Neck

Bunny Mellon {Doesnt count because it was my second time}

On Writing {Doesnt count because it was my third time}

Walden

Finders Keepers

Delicious!

50 Things to Do in Maine Before You Die

Following Atticus

Goal #13 Try 52 New Recipes.

39 down, 13 recipes to go. We tried 2 new recipes this week. 1 was a dud and the other I will share on Tuesday. And its a good one!

Goal #14 Clean Up 52 Old Recipes on the Blog

9 down, 44 to go. Why did I make this goal? Note to self: Make fewer goals for next year.

Goal #15 Fill 100 Canning Jars 72 down, 28 to go.

I made a batch of Christmas Jam for gift giving PLUS I tried a new recipe {that was inspired by Mrs. HB} this past week and the HH and I loved it so much, that Ill be making another batch {or maybe 2} of it today {Ill share the recipe on Tuesday}.

So far this year Ive I canned:

9 Jars of..

6 jars Christmas Jam

7 jars Spiced Pomegranate Jelly

7 jars Peach Jam

7 jars of Strawberry Jam

15 jars of Carrot Cake Jam

15 jars of Spiced Pear Jam

4 jars of Almond Pears.

Goal #16 Finish Furnishing Our House

We finished the roman shades for the kitchen nook and kitchen window. I plan on taking a break from making roman shades for the next month so I can finish making kits for my Etsy shop and paint out the entire kitchen area as well as finish a couple of art projects for the walls.

Goal #17 52 Dates with the HH {44 down, 8 to go}

The HH and I went on 2 date days this past week and one of them was to the Sabbathday Lake Shaker Village for their Shaker Christmas Fair and it was so overwhelming, we left after 5 minutes.

Overwhelming in the sense that although we could tell there was going to be a lot of people at the event by the distance we had to walk to the village, what we werent expecting was that once we walked in the doors of the trustees office {where the craft fair was being held}, it was SHOULDER to SHOULDER.

Like, being at a rock concert crowded. The HH didnt even make it 2 feet in before walking out and it took me nearly 5 minutes to get from the entrance and through 3 rooms and back out the door again without even being able to look or pick up anything it was so crowded. It was nuts. And totally not in the calm, welcoming Shaker spirit and all we wanted to do was leave. And so we did.

I do want to go back though at some point to visit the museum, but it will have to be an ordinary weekday with nothing on the event calendar, thats for sure.

Goal #18 Take One Adult Education Class Done {Ive taken 3!}

Block Printing Class with my neighbor.

Spoon Carving Classwith Heather.

Mini pottery lesson {I loved it! and now I want to sign up for a full class}

Goal #19 Secret Holiday Project{s}

Block print towels

Seed packet wreaths

Tea Bag Trees

Goal #20 Create 12 Wowie Zowie Party Platters

8 down, 4 to go. We are planning on making #9 tonight!

Goal #21 Visit 12 General Stores

10 down 2 to go. We visited a new country store yesterday!! The kind that offers human made {and local} baskets to customers to do their shopping with. Ill tell you all about it next week.

H.B. Provisions in Kennebunk, Maine

Chases Daily {I think it should count}

Squam Lake Marketplace

Harrisville General Store

Dodges Store in New Boston, New Hampshire

Zebs General Store in North Conway, New Hampshire

Dan and Whits in Norwich, Vermont

Husseys General Store in Windsor, Maine

Goal #22 Compete with Carole.. Get on My Front Door Game On

Would you believe not a single person walking by {or even a neighbor} has made a comment about the leg lamp in the window? I think theyre showing restraint, while my husband keeps telling me that they are in such awe of it, they just dont know what to say.

Ummmm Okay.

Front Door Bling Ive Made So Far This Year to Compete with Carole:

Late January : Valentine Heart

Late February : Shamrock

Late March : Giant Carrot

May: White wave petunia hanging basket

June/July: Tin Star and Flag Bunting

August : Sunflower

September: Indian corn and pumpkins

October: Pumpkins and spinner do hickeys

November: Indian corn and big pumpkins

December: Leg lamp and nutcrackers in the window and giant Christmas balls on the porch

**************

How about YOU? What are your goals for 2019? If you told us about them HERE, check in! We want to know how you are doing. Because seriously, its so much easier to get those goals checked off your list when you have people rooting for you!

Have a great day everyone,

Mavis

P.S. If you are looking for a last minute gift for neighbor or a friend, I still have a few ornaments left in my Etsy shop and you can find them all HERE. UPDATE: The barred rock chicken is sold out but there are a few more chicken ornaments HERE.

You can read more about my 22 goals for 2019 HERE.

Have a Great Day!

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My 22 Goals for 2019 Week 48 of 52

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Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/my-22-goals-for-2019-week-49-of-52

[jacksbits]

OKAY SO this might get kind of long but the thing with my friend: i have been kinda irritated because 1) it feels sometimes like she doesnt really care about my feelings/problems that I have and 2) is not helpful and is judgemental when other people have mental health problems (as do I). And its been a few things here and there, but nothing that made me REALLY angry. We have talked a little about the mental health issues before but not much. Anyway, a few nights ago I wasn't doing so well (1/?)

and I was in a really bad place and told this friend I was suicidal/really depressed. She was also upset that night (no reason, just crazy emotions) and didn’t offer to help me, only said “i love you” when I said in detail what I was feeling. Instead I texted her if SHE was okay even though she wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I was. Eventually she stopped texting and the next morning said she had went to bed so she wouldn’t cry again. And like, I don’t know if I have the right to be angry? (2/?) i AM angry, is the thing. I know that if she had told me what I had told here, there’s NO WAY I would ever go to sleep until I knew she was safe or asleep. I would probably offer to go get her and drive around until she felt better. And this just made the whole “she doesnt care about me like I care about her” thing 10 times worse. And she’s supposed to be my best friend. It really really hurt because I was in a really bad place and was honestly close to being hospitalized. (3/?) I am fine now, but it was an awful night (just two days ago), and when I reached out she didn’t even offer to help. At the very least I think she should have said she was feeling bad herself and couldnt help me, but instead she just didnt even take me serious or whatever, i dont even know. now I am just ignoring her because i dont know if i am overreacting and i dont want to be mean, but i am super angry and upset and am not sure what to do at this point :/ (4/4)                   

hooo boy i pulled out my computer to answer this one because there is several layers to this. cut for length!

first off, if someone doesn’t make you feel good when you interact with them, you don’t have to interact with them. it doesn’t make you *mean* to pull away from someone who does things “here and there” that upset you. if she makes you feel judged, or angry, or upset, those emotions are real even if she didn’t MEAN to make you feel that way. it’s not like the only options are “she’s a good person and she makes you feels good” and “she’s a bad person and she makes you feel bad.” she can be a fine person who just doesn’t get you or whose communications style isn’t compatible with yours. at the end of the day, you don’t have to justify “i’m mad at her i don’t really wanna talk to her anymore” with “because she’s a bad person.” you can just not want to talk to her anymore; it doesn’t have to be a moral judgement on her character.

that said, i honestly don’t think you can always expect a specific kind of reaction when you tell a friend you’re suicidal. it can feel OVERWHELMING when a friend is suicidal. for me, when a close friend is suicidal, it makes me panic and then it makes me shut down emotionally. it’s like my brain goes, “ok, if they’re going to die and there’s nothing you can do about it, you better stop feeling any emotions at all, because then it will be easier when you lose them forever.” this means i’m an especially bad support for someone who is suicidal! i’m either panicking and trying to contact their loved ones through random websites so someone can call the police, or i’m so burnt out that i can’t experience any kind of emotions at all. i’m not saying that’s how your friend felt when you told her how you were feeling–i have no idea how she was feeling–i’m just saying, your friend can love you and ALSO not be someone who can provide you adequate support in a crisis. i don’t think this makes your friend a bad friend. it makes them a person with needs that don’t match your own. sometimes that happens.

more than that, if you wanted or needed her to respond in some specific way, maybe she needed you to tell her what that was! you said she didn’t offer to help, but maybe “i love you” was all she could think to say. sometimes it’s hard to know what the right thing to say even IS. like, SURE, in a perfect world she would have said “i love you but i can’t offer you anything else right now for my own mental health reasons” but people don’t always know how to articulate that. i don’t think it’s fair to assume she wasn’t trying her best. (and, even so, maybe her best wasn’t enough! that doesn’t make your needs wrong, but it does mean maybe she can’t meet them).

i also think you’re doing you AND your friend a disservice to try to decide who “deserved” more help depending on whose situation was worse. it’s not a contest. maybe you really WERE in worse shape–but that doesn’t mean she was in good enough shape to help you. i don’t think you’ll get anywhere by thinking “*i* would do this for her, so *she* should be willing to do this for me.” friendships aren’t only quid pro quo. maybe the problem isn’t that she’s not willing to sacrifice ENOUGH for you–maybe the problem is you’re willing to sacrifice too much! maybe it’s a combination of both things. sometimes i think it’s easy to feel like, “if i put enough emotional energy into this relationship, i’ll get the same amount back” – but that’s not always true. sometimes you’re putting more into a relationship than the other person expects, or wants, or is prepared to give back.

but at the end of the day, if she doesn’t support you the way you want or need to be supported, you SHOULDN’T be willing to drop everything for her. you should invest your time in other friends who make you feel safe and who better understand your needs.

[courtinggrievances]

Omni And Proud

courtinggrievances You're out across the lot and the lawnring of the motel when the door to your room opens and Sollux stands there.

> You're stomping off in your boots and when you hear his voice, you stop. You don't look back, but you stop.

temptingannihilation > you don't. momentum, and everything churning in your head and under your skin, you don't stop or wait to see if he responds, you just keep going, across grass and dirty pavement, breathing hard in time with your feet hitting the ground until you’fre tripping right into him.

> which isnt nearly enough to knock him off his feet, of course, so you just... grab at him with shaking hands and desperate claws because you dont know what else to /do/

courtinggrievances > You know he's barreling towards you with all the grace of a steam train because you can hear it, you can hear him coming. You could easily avoid him but you don't, and he crashes into you, all grabbing hands and curling fingers and desperation, much to the amusement of a few onlookers.

> You don't know what your feelings are doing. You're all broody and moody and you have no idea what your emotions are doing.

temptingannihilation "You asshole--" you choke out, sounding more like you're about to collapse into frustrated tears (again, for like the third time) than anything. Pleading.  "You-- you can't just... say shit like that and then leave! What-- what do you want me to /do/??"

courtinggrievances > You're literally about ready to punch his stupid face.

"You can't fucking hide under a lounge chaisse, refuse to talk to me, and then get mad when I decide to leave to sort out my own bullshit feelings, godamnit, Temp!" You hiss at him gently, taking one of his hands and clenching it.

"I wanted to talk to you, and you're being cryptic as you are a fucking crytid. I get you don't want to talk about this shit, **I** don't want to talk about this shit, but you put words in my mouth, I'm frustrated, fuck, I'm frustrated as all fuck! Why wouldn't I be? How am ***I*** the asshole here? Fucking talk to me, jackass!"

temptingannihilation "I was /trying/!" you grind out between your teeth, clutching at his hand right back as tight as you can, both sets of claws digging into one and the other, but the slight sting of pain is almost grounding. "I could barely see my fucking /screen/, okay...??"

"I /want/ to talk about it, I just dont fucking know how, I dont know what I want, I don't-- I don't /know!/ I dont-- when did I put words in your mouth??"

courtinggrievances > You punch him right in his face with your fist, wrenching it out of his grip. How dare he??? It's like he's playing with your emotions, it's like he's keeping secrets, it's like he's privy to some big joke that you know nothing about.

"You tried to tell me I thought your emotions were a fucking game, you tried to tell me I thought that you were cute when you were having feelings and emotions, you tried to put words into my mouth without fucking asking about my opinion- Now, I may be a MASSIVE fucking asshat with a brick wall for a pan, but I don't fit the stereotype of brawn equals dumb, Temp, or at least, I didn't think so until tonight!"

> You're shouting a little bit, beads of red curling at the corners of your eyes.

"I don't know what's going on, I'm overwhelmed by you being upset, I have no fucking clue why you're upset! I got the anons in my box and while I was trying to deal with the flustered feelings of 'Hey, maybe you should kiss Sollux!' and jackasses trying to goad me into talking about pailing you, the dashboard fucking exploded with discourse about quadrants that I'm just NOT in the fucking MOOD to deal with, and when I turned around to try and sort out my feelings with the ONLY person who fucking understands me, you're under the lounge chair and I've got NO fucking clue why, I'm blindsided, I feel like I was fucking hit by a truck, so will you just fucking... Tell me what's going on? I'm out of the fucking loop here, and I hate it!"

temptingannihilation > You reel back, hands cupped over your bleeding nose, and before he's even done talking you're yelling too

"I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT //YOU//, ASSHOLE!"

courtinggrievances > Throw your hands in the air???

temptingannihilation "I wasn't-- /you're/ not the one who was making a game of it! Okay?? Do you fucking get that now?? That fucking-- anon bullshit... I made the mistake of opening my fucking mouth an inch and got that for my trouble!" courtinggrievances

> Your voice is quieter, now, and your fists are held to your sides, shaking, while you listen.

"Explain yourself."

temptingannihilation > You're breathing hard, spitting out blood, a nasally, snotty mess.

"I was just-- fucking talking with some people, and the subject of...quads and their bullshit rules came up. I didnt even mention your fucking name, or anything, I just wanted to let off some steam because I never know what the fuck I'm supposed to feel about anything or how to /deal/ with it or-- just. /Fuck/."

> You wipe at your face, sniff loudly and start coughing as a result, great.

"And-- and they thought it would be super fucking fun to tease me about being flustered when that wasn't the fucking /point/ in the first place. And no I wont tell you who, it doesnt matter, they didnt mean to. I just... I didn't--"

temptingannihilation "And I was fucking embarrassed, okay?? That wasnt the kind of thing I wanted all over the dashboard, but there it went!!"

courtinggrievances > You hold out your hand and you take his, and you pull him to you for a short, rough, sloppy kiss you have to stand on your tiptoes for.

temptingannihilation > your teeth meet with a painful click, and you're smearing blood all over his face, a cracking sound in your throat, and when he lets you go you just... flop down onto the ground like a string-cut puppet and tug at him until he joins you

courtinggrievances > This is not a good place to be? You let him tug but you don't join him, instead you lean down and you pick him up and carry him, bridal style, off into the bushes lining the motel space.

> You sit him down in your lap when you sit, though, and you are quiet, and you'll wipe his nose before you keep kissing him.

temptingannihilation > you honestly kind of lost feeling in your legs there for a moment, but you know what, sure. this works. what a fucking scene you've already made, goddamn it, whatever, anyone stupid enough to get nosy is getting fried and you wont even feel bad about it

> and you just... you let him, and try just to focus on This for a little while, on him. it doesnt take the place of words, but it has its place too

courtinggrievances > You hold him there to you for a while, and you're quiet about it, until, eventually you speak.

"... Did someone try to pressure you into putting a name to us?"

temptingannihilation > You shake your head where it's bowed next to his, while you work your arms around him, fingers curling in his shirt.

"No, it-- it wasn't anything like that, /I/ want to, KK, I've /been/ wanting to, I just... don't know how. I dont want to try to make it just one thing, I can't, I-- I dont know if it's omni or smearing or /what/, but I can't... And I dont-- I dont know if I hate myself more for feeling that way, or still feeling like there's anything /wrong/ with it. I dont know how you can /stand/ it when you've been dealing with my shit since we were wigglers, it's not fair to you, how can you /want/ this??"

> goddamn it, you are just so sick of crying

courtinggrievances > You chuckle, softly, and wipe his tears. It takes you a few minutes to respond, you're choosing your words carefully.

"I... I'm fine with it being omni. I'm fine with it being whatever we- or you- want it to be. I'm so fine with this, all of this, and I WANT all of this, just because, like... Fuck, dude. I want you. It's not This Particular thing," You say it with inflection on each word, "That I want, but I want YOU. I'm fine with not knowing about it, or knowing about it, or knowing what's up with our stupid little relationship, because I'm fine with you. You infuriate me and you make me feel a hundred times better about myself, you can calm me down and you can rile me up."

> Take a deep breath, pet his hair. "It may not be fair to me for you to want to put a name to it if I'm not ready for that bullshit, but did you ever consider that it definitely isn't fair to you for leaving it to your imagination? I couldn't stand to put you in just one quadrant. The empire's view of quadrants is whack anyway- They're only in place so that the empire has statistically  more combinations for slurry. You don't deserve to fucking... pick one. You deserve all that I have to offer, red or pale or black or grey."

temptingannihilation "I /know/ it doesn't matter what we call any of it--"

> you are trying. so hard, not to just break down all over him again because you have no concept of an emotional filter whatsoever and everything he's saying is just... once those floodgates are open, they just. go.

"I don't-- I don't know why I keep getting so fucking hung up on it! I dont-- want to try to make it into anything /different/, I dont want a box, I-- I just..."

> you drop your head against his shoulder, curl yourself close, your voice quiet and hoarse, your own shoulders hitching, trembling.

"I'm /scared/, KK... I /know/ you are too. But I'm not-- I'm not fucking scared of what they'll do, I don't /care/, it wont /change/ anything. But we could-- fucking die tomorrow for all we know, and I-- I'm scared that if we dont think about it /now/, we'll never get to..."

courtinggrievances > You nod. You get it. You do. And you'll do everything in your power to help him figure it out.... So, you get out your phone.

> You message Fex a quick second, and then return to Temp.

"I once sent in a message to a Ezine about this sort of thing, let me see if I can... pull that up. It pulled this sort of thing all together, it'd be really helpful for us... Do you want to go back inside? It's... kind of risky to talk about this shit out here, you know."

temptingannihilation > you snort faintly, and just kind of butt your head against his shoulder a little.

"Dork..."

> ...you nod though, even if you're still fully prepared to turn anything that gets too close into charcoal.

"Yeah... Let's. Let's just... yeah."

courtinggrievances > You pick him up again (You love doing that, he's all legs and arms and no nothing else, you love his sharp corners,) and carry him back in, where you carefully slide him back under the chaise lounge and somehow manage to fit yourself under there too. > Fex has managed to reply to you in this time and you shoot him off a small response.

> Next, you pull up >> https://fluffpuffandstuff.tumblr.com/post/156045666788/what-the-heck-am-ii-feeliing-labeliing-your << that you got from Fex, and you show Temp, quietly, waiting for a response.

temptingannihilation > it aches a little somewhere in your pusher because it's still hard to shake off that feeling of being a burden, of All of you being too much for one person, but... you have to trust him to know what he wants, because you'd be lost without him.

> it's cramped and dusty, but you dont have a proper pile, and right now... you feel better just sort of hidden away from everything right now. there's a couple inches of clearance, at least, and with a little maneuvering you can huddle up against him and look at the same screen

> you sigh a little, long and unsteady-- and then you sneeze, and curse, because goddamn it your nose fucking /hurts/.

courtinggrievances > You point at the part where Pal talks about boiling it down to one thing.

"... You want to boil it down, let's. I just want you to be happy and safe, but I gotta fucking tell you, I'm having a really fucking hard time boiling my emotions down into just, protect, soothe, intervene, and improve."

> You bunt your head against his, leaning there with your warmth and sturdyness.

temptingannihilation > you almost laugh, at how much better you feel already just to lie here with him like this. you could have avoided all this bullshit if you'd just fucking gone to him in the first place, but you'd been... ashamed? definitely embarrassed, to show your face, after subjecting him to all that out of nowhere.

> "I don't know if I can, either... I don't think I /want/ to. I mean-- all of that, it's there, yeah. Not always at the same time, but it's-- it's not really This Thing and then That Thing either, and I /know/ it feels different when it's more pitch, or more flush, or more pale... But it's more complicated than that and I mean. I'm /happy/ with that. If it wasn't that, it...wouldn't be. Us."

> You roll over so you can hide your face against him. Your ears are burning, your voice is quiet.

"...I. I just... wish it was easier to put 'us' into a word that felt like /enough/. To-- fucking love you in /every/ way that's as real as any quadrant..."

> It's... the first time you've said it so plainly. But after he had... You couldn't let yourself do any less.

courtinggrievances > You're uncharacteristically quiet.

> the silence stretches on, and while it does, you rub his skin with your fingers, you explore his feet with your own, you get good and cozy with your body to his, and after five or six minutes, you say, "Then... Let's just be omni. Not just omni quad, but Omni, with inflection. There's mate and pitch and pale and ash, and we'll just... be Omni. Our all in ones. Home runs, hole in ones, strike, ace in the hole. Can we just do that? I fucking love you, and I know you love me, but... With all the shit happening, I don't know if we even have the time or capacity to... BE anything... specific."

> You trail off.

temptingannihilation > you'd start getting knotted up with anxiety, if he didn't make sure to keep gently touching you here and there, enough contact to reassure /without/ going into full blown pale territory, to let you know that whatever he was thinking, it wasn't going to end in him pulling away or-- or getting up and leaving you there again. though you could really only blame yourself for that, at this point.

> you blink, slowly; find one of his idly wandering hands and hook your fingers around his and tentatively nod.

"I... that could be okay. Yeah. I-- fuck, KK, I don't... I dont care what we /do/ with it. But we're... 'Best friends' hasn't been enough for a long time, we're past that, you know that, right? Is it-- Can it just be okay to want /more/? Even if nothing really changes...?"

courtinggrievances > You nod, pushing your face into his chest.

> You decide to be honest? Yeah.

"... Listen, alright? We both know I've been... super stressed out about this absolute horseshit. You.. You're really the only thing in my life that's... Stable. You know? There's Kanaya, but she doesn't come close to the modicum of comfort you provide. I can't... do this, with her. I don't want to do this with anyone else. Best friends isn't enough, you're right, but... I mean, are you sure? You fucking... I don't know what the penalties are for hanging around with a mutated fuck like me. You're lower class, to them, but I'm a fucking..."

> You heave a  mighty sigh and put your face in his chest. "Wanting more, even if nothing changes, is the epitome of a relationship where nothing can be settled. There's no name for us, and there shouldn't be, here on this planet, but... I like Omni just fine."

temptingannihilation > /Sigh/.

"You're /what/? An off-spectrum walking cull offense? KK, I don't-- fucking /care/ what the penalties are, they'd throw my ass in a rig first chance they got even if I wasn't wanted for fucking treason, and-- And even if /that/ wasn't the case. What difference does it make?? I'm staying //right here//. I wouldn't... I wouldn't be /saying/ this shit if I wasn't sure..."

> He burrows himself close, and you just...wrap yourself around him and squeeze him tight. "KK, I don't...want to think about where I'd be right now, if I didn't have you. Nothing else matters, against that... So let's. Let's just have this, and damn the rest... Okay?"

courtinggrievances > Your ears flick. If nothing else matters, why was he being so serious about this? You felt pressured into choosing and now you didn't, and you don't know what to feel. You've always had more emotions and feeling than was good for you, but this was exceptional.

> Still. Fuck it, you decide, and you let him wrap around and squeeze. "Okay."

> Pause.

"... Your nose okay?"

temptingannihilation > you grimace, and reach up to touch it gingerly. it feels hot and swollen, but not broken, at least.

"Can't believe you fucking punched me..."

courtinggrievances > You don't speak for well over a minute. When you do, it's small, ashamed. "I expected you to punch back. With the way you were gripping my hand-"

You raise it, to show the welts from his claws.

"I just figured you might want to let out some aggression, or some bullshit like that."

temptingannihilation > You look, and flinch your eyes away, ears low.

"It's-- That wasn't... What I needed then, I just...  I don't know. I felt really messed up and I dug in. Scared, I guess..."

> you sigh, and reach for his hand so you can look again, carefully brush your thumb over the welts. "... ...'m sorry."

courtinggrievances > You lean over and put your head further into his chest. "It's fine, knucklehead. Okay? Let's just... Move on from this shit. We're omni, now, yeah? Heh... Fex is going to be so fucking pleased, he's always rooting for that sort of thing. I wonder if anyone else will be..."

> You yawn. It's almost dawn by now and you haven't been sleeping well still. (It's gotten better, but not perfect.).

temptingannihilation "You sure?" you mumble, because it's hard not to feel guilty for...well. All of it. Kicking it all off, the misunderstandings... Making him feel like he had to deal with it because it was eating you up.

> You sigh... Give him another squeeze. Smile a little. "Yeah, heh... I dunno. Guess we'll see. ...cmon, we probably...shouldn't fall asleep under here. 's fucking dusty and we're not gonna have the coon for much longer..."

courtinggrievances > You make absolutely no move to change your position against him. "I've slept in worse places," You mumble soft. "If you want me to move, you're going to have to fucking. Make me." You pucker your lips in a mock kiss up at him, making it very clear what you want.  Hecking nerd. If you were allowed to kiss him without judgement or his feeling bad about it now, you were totally going to.

> Part of you worries how Kanaya will take it.

> Part of you still wants to keep it secret.

temptingannihilation > You give a snort, and a crooked grin

"You're a fucking dork, KK..."

> ...you feel kind of silly, actually. And silly for /feeling/ silly. And for the silly things your pusher is doing right now. When you got right down to it, you /do/ fluster easy as anything, it's painfully obvious... It's different somehow, than kissing in the heat of the moment, whether that meant pailing or just some long pent up emotional outburst. Now, it's...

Deliberate. And you'd be lying if you said you hadn't thought about it a lot, lately, kissing him without it being some Big Deal, just... Nice and easy. ...and he wants it too. So...

> Kiss the boy

courtinggrievances > See?? This was good. This was very good. Ahhh? The tips of your ears flush red and the surge of heat to your body makes you literally turn into a space heater, especially in such a close and cramped space as under this couch thing.

> He kisses you and you only let it linger a moment or two before you roll out from underneath the lounge and sit up, stretching. "Come on, nerd."

temptingannihilation > At least he's not the only one... You've gone more than a bit yellow, and you might be sporting just the tiniest hint of a goofy smile as you worm your way out from underneath, sitting up to brush the dustbunnies out of your hair.

"Who's the nerd, huh..."

courtinggrievances > You pick him up with both hands and hoist him up over your shoulder, balancing his bony ass on your palm for a few seconds. The ease with which you can pick up his 'I only weigh a hundred pounds' body is amazing. You've carried 60+ pounds on your back for well over four perigees now, Sollux is easy.

"You are, nerd," You keep him balanced there at your shoulder height, grinning wide.

temptingannihilation "SDfgsd--"

> It's not /fair/ how easily he can just toss you around like this! Not fair at all! And you really shouldn't enjoy it so much!! Like, fine-- you have a type, and that type falls squarely into the category of "could break you in half without breaking a sweat". It's not a high bar to reach, but damn it, it's something.

"KK, oh my /god/, stop feeling me up and put me down!"

> You try to sound irritated, but you're trying really, /really/ hard not to laugh. You could turn the tables easily, of course... but you dont want to.

courtinggrievances > A cocky, arrogant smirk peels across your face. "Yeah? You want me to put you down, lightweight?"

> And you toss him like a basketball, aiming for the rim of the recuperacoon, (And when he assuredly lands in, you bend over laughing, a loud, full bellied laugh that hasn't been heard in literal perigees.)

temptingannihilation > Aw, shit.

"KK, GODDAMN IT!"

> He tips you right into it, and you flounder around before pulling yourself up over the rim, dripping slime-- your clothes drenched, ugh, you /hate/ that!!

You're covered in the goop. And he's laughing like you haven't heard in ages, too long, you just have to kind of marvel at it a little.

> Then you throw a handful of sopor at him.

courtinggrievances > You can't believe he didn't say it coming, the way you'd asked if he wanted you to put him down was clear, with the corners of your mouth crinkling up with the inflection of your words.

> You're still laughing when the sopor ends up clipping your chin and drops down your chest and by then, you're stripping everything down just so you could climb into coon with the one thing you felt the world couldn't take from you.

> God, you loved Sollux Captor.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it. 

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now. 

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”. 

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me. 

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing. 

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe. 

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a  “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole. 

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again. 

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating. 

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me. 

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful. 

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity. 

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house. 

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion. 

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered. 

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?”  both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them 

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character. 

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person. 

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly.