#facebook? dead and gone and buried

[goldenblueomens]

tragically, though i would love nothing more than to spend the entire winter break sitting and looking at silly little pictures on this silly little blog of mine, i will be taking a step back for the month of december - soo ill see you all in the new year (and if you see me here before that, well, mind your business it’s not my fault i have a social media addiction i am a gen z after all) (okay maybe i’ll let myself log in on sundays as a treat, but maybe not i have to see how bad the SAD gets without my blorbos)

[saerins]

⋆୨ chapter three ୧˚ for a while, you were all mine

⋆୨ if not for you (masterlist) ⋆୨ previous: chapter two - a million miles away, still you connect me in your way <> next: chapter four - behind a box of reasons why ୧˚

⋆୨ synopsis ୧˚ neither of you want this. both you and sae reluctantly agree to this marriage, although sae’s dissatisfaction far outweighs your own. with hidden agendas and old flames, will this ever work out between the two of you, or will your forced spark be doomed to fail?

ೀ series: sae x f!reader | wc 6.3k | ೀ content warnings: fluff/angst, modern au, arranged marriage, rich!sae and rich!reader, jealousy/paranoia, third parties, yn and sae finally sharing one bed | notes: eeep this was long i’m sorry !! more of the other girl here heh ^_< also mwah thank you to all of you who’s reading ily !! <3

In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t right of you to go through your husband’s stuff. Maybe you should’ve just looked at that little black box and left it there and continue to be ignorant.

But no. In this world, you’re nosy and greedy and you wanted to know who exactly it is that Itoshi Sae of all people can’t get over and now you have exactly what you were looking for.

After extensive research—and by research you mean scrolling through your husband’s social media (all of them), you managed to find her tagged in a post buried way below on his Facebook wall. Silver lining is: there’s nothing recent. The bad part? Judging by the date, they’ve known each other for a long time.

Apparently her name is Mirin, and her family’s made up of a whole slew of top lawyers in the whole of Japan. There’s not a lot on her Facebook, but her Instagram is a whole other story. Her posts the last few years put her somewhere in Europe, and judging by the content, she’s been studying there for a while. But before that, back when the posts were all in Japan, you catch a few photos of Sae. Some of them have Oliver and Eita, and a couple of other guys you haven’t met before.

It’s really wrong of you to do this, only because you know you’re just setting yourself up for a world of paranoia, but you can’t stop. You move over to the pictures she’s tagged in, and there’s one from Oliver that catches your attention.

Because it’s dated a few weeks back.

The first of two photos show Oliver, Eita, Sae and the same guy you saw back in Mirin’s feed—the one with jet black spiky hair. They’re in a bar, you presume, sitting around a private booth with a ton of alcohol in the ice bucket on the table. You recognise his attire; it’s from the very first night Sae bothered to sit down at the dining table and eat with you. 

The second makes your heart crash to the floor. In the photo, in Sae’s place is Mirin herself, looking drop-dead gorgeous in a skin-tight red dress that you wouldn’t ever think of wearing. (One, because it’s much too revealing for your own taste, and two, well, just because you’re more of an oversized t-shirt kind of girl.)

All you can take away from what you saw is that Mirin is now back in Japan. Coupled with the fact that Sae had been gone even though he was off from work for those first few days of your marriage, you deduce what you wish isn’t true—was he meeting up with her all this time? Even 

Trying to avoid falling into utter madness, you grab your phone and text your ever-trusty best friend.

Reo, meet you at our usual. ASAP!!!

Just as you’re about to leave the house, Sae gets back from wherever he’s been (which now you can’t help but wonder whether he was meeting Mirin), and you run right into his chest.

“Careful, busy?” Sae asks, which is more than Sae usually does and you realise just how low the bar is set right now.

Still, you answer him like you always do. “Yeah I’m gonna meet Reo for a bit,” you tell him, biting back a snarky comment about Mirin.

Even with those doubts of Sae in your head, you can’t help but stop to appreciate how he hands you your keys from the key hanger before you forget, or how his other hand is gripping onto yours, warm and just slightly calloused. It’s the first time you’ve felt them since that day at your own wedding.

“Take your time, I’ll handle our dinner tonight,” he tells you, and you think that’s already a lot considering that he’s never really bothered with anything the past few weeks, but then you feel a soft sensation against your forehead—very brief, so unfamiliar, way too soft—and then it’s gone in just a second and it’s way too quick that it has you doubting its existence at all.

All you hear is a soft “see you” before the door shuts behind you, and then there’s only the erratic beating of your heart that fills your ears.

“Yikes.”

“Very helpful, thanks,” you sigh exasperatedly as you plop down onto the cushioned seat across from Reo.

Reo laughs, handing you your phone back, open to Oliver’s Instagram account. “Then ask for a divorce, I’m sure he’d happily oblige if all of that’s true.”

“You know why I can’t, Reo,” you remind him, close to giving up.

Reo nods, remembering about your parents and deciding not to make matters worse. “Did you ask him about it though?”

You frown, glaring up at your best friend who’s now happily sipping on his cold brew. “And let him guess that I was stalking his ex? Sure I did.”

Reo snorts at your sarcasm. He thinks it’s funny how you’re oddly meek in front of Sae, and yet you’re snappish around him. Comes with the many years of being best friends, he supposes. But on that note, “you think there’s something going on between them?”

For the first time, Reo sees you helpless, eyes staring into nothing, index finger idly tracing circles on the polished wooden surface. “I don’t know,” because all you know is that you’re already exhausted from overthinking all the things they could be doing behind your back. “But… he’s always away and he says it’s work when I know it’s not. And she’s back and they were at the same place and urgh, I don’t know what to do.”

By that last line, you’re already burying your head in your hands, slumped against the table, Reo watching on as you grumble in frustration. He chuckles, gently patting your head before you look up at him, “what if they’re just friends right now?”

“It’s still weird, isn’t it? I mean… from the looks of it, they were pretty serious at one point.” Your words are all muffled because you’re pretty sure this is you being jealous now—thanks to Sae considerably warming up to you (be it at his own sluggish pace), it’s hard not to feel anything for him. In a way, you’re learning to like a lot about him, but there’s this unshakeable doubt you can’t brush off in the form of his ex.

Reo leans back against his chair now, pondering out loud. “Hmm I wonder what that reminds me of.”

In a second, you know all too well what he’s referring to, and you find yourself unable to look him in the eye. “That’s… different. We didn’t act on it.”

He rests his elbow on the table, head resting against his fist, “yeah but… we were still each other’s first kiss, right?”

“But we didn’t amount to anything.”

“Except that we’re best friends now,” Reo tells you, and you know he’s trying to get a point across but you’re not sure you want to understand it.

“And that’s all we ever were, Reo.”

Smiling, Reo leans forward a little, cautious at keeping his voice down. It won’t do if people misunderstand and word gets around. “Listen, I don’t know about you, but you were all I wanted at one point. For more than just that one day under the cherry blossoms, more than that one time I stole your first kiss.”

It stuns you a little to hear it, because any romantic emotions between the two of you were never said or shared. Both you and Reo knew back then that your parents wouldn’t ever be in favour of him and his rebelliousness that you both just decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. At that time, when you were both foolish kids, having that something intangible was enough. Maybe it faded for you faster than it had for Reo, but he knew that it once existed. Even if only for a second.

“And?”

You’ve gone soft now, and Reo knows you understand. You’re just in denial.

“Are you sure Sae would feel the same if he knew about it? If he knew I used to love you too?” Reo asks you, genuinely wondering for himself.

You’re about to argue that Sae doesn’t even care, but putting yourself into his shoes, you get where Reo’s coming from. History is history. No matter how long ago it was or how short the relationship (or lack of one) was, the feelings still existed, once upon a time.

Still, you have a feeling that there’s more than meets the eye. Especially if Sae has to hide it all the time. He’s never even said her name to you, if they met at all.

“Anyway look, do you want me to try asking Oliver about it? I’ll be discreet, though I can’t really say the same for that knucklehead,” Reo warns you. It’s not like he knows Oliver much outside of any business dealings, but he can tell that much at least.

You shake your head anyway, knowing it’s a bad idea. For all you know, Sae would just lash out at you for prying into his business when you’re just his on-paper wife.

“Wonder why they broke up though,” you think out loud, watching the liquid in your cup swish around, close to spilling off the edge as you swirl it with your hand, almost completely lost in thought.

Reo answers you without missing a beat. “She went abroad to study and just called it off thinking it wouldn’t work.” His eyes go wide the moment your head shoots up, and he winces after letting it slip.

“You knew?”

“Yeah…”

“What the- how?” Because it’s incredulous how Reo happens to know that much more about the relationship.

He sighs, fessing up. “I was asking around about Sae remember? When I told you he’s just a tough nut to—”

“Yeah yeah,” you wave it off, wanting him to get to the point.

“Well, Oliver’s kinda a blabbermouth so…” Reo sighs, as if he senses there’s no point in keeping it in, not when you’re already halfway into that rabbit hole yourself.

And you’re all ears. Half because you really just want to learn more about it and the other half just wanting confirmation that you’re not crazy for overthinking about this. But then Reo tells you and you’re not sure anymore.

“He said Sae was never over her, loved her to bits.” Reo pauses, hesitating before he opens his mouth again. “He said Sae was waiting for her to get back before starting things up again.”

Oh.

SEVEN YEARS AGO.

“You’re kidding me, right?”

Surely it wasn’t a stretch to be furious that distance would be enough of a reason for a breakup? Surely Sae didn’t have to think himself crazy for refuting such an idea?

Mirin’s hair flowed in the wind, pretty as it always was, and it would be even prettier in his memories. She looked unsure, and he knew it too. He knew her like the back of his hand, down to the injury on his ankle. She was only doing what she thought was right, and that was offering each of their own freedom, though Sae had no single doubt in his mind that that wasn’t what he wanted.

“Sae, please don’t make this harder than it already is,” she told him, her eyes swimming with tears that she wouldn’t allow to overflow.

Always so stubborn, and forever thinking less of herself. That was how he knew her to be. And as much as he hated that stubbornness at that moment, he loved her just as much.

With a hand reaching out to her, he pulled her to him, letting her rest her head in his chest, something that he savoured because it wouldn’t be long until she’ll be gone for who knows how long.

“Is it selfish of me to say I don’t want to break up with you?” Sae was asking her, genuinely. He didn’t know how to handle this—when life held different paths for two people in love, wasn’t it just common sense that they could still tread it and yet be together? Was long distance really the end of everything they had?

Mirin sniffled just a little before she pulled away and forced herself to smile, something that Sae hated. It was always the fake ones that irked him, even now.

“Is it selfish for me to think that we’re supposed to?”

Maybe he didn’t know the answer. But all he knew was that if she still felt like they should, then he’d concede. He was always weak when it came to her. It was always the same. He couldn’t imagine being weak to anyone else. It was her. Only her.

“Fine, we’ll do that, if that’s what you want,” he told her, a tone so gentle that no one but her has ever heard. But he drew close, tipping her chin up so she would look at him, his teal eyes appreciating every inch of her beautiful face, the most beautiful one he had ever seen, and the most beautiful one he thought he would ever see. “But you know something?”

Mirin swallowed the lump in her throat, the amount of love she felt threatening to swallow her whole. “What?”

Sae let out a deep chuckle, a soft one before he pressed his lips against hers, a promise laid between their lips like it was a secret only they both would keep.

“Nothing would stop me from waiting for you to come back. So come back to me, okay? Come back, I’ll wait for you.”

That night when you get home, you feel just slightly numb. After hearing what you did, it’s no surprise. You’ve always been kind of weak when it comes to feelings. You’re more heart over mind and you’d choose your heart over and over again even if you had no more blood left to bleed.

You think you’re never getting over it until you walk in and realise that Sae’s in the kitchen, setting your dinner down on the table. It’s like your tears automatically dissipate once you look into his eyes.

“Oh, just nice,” is all he mumbles before he sits down at his place on the entirely too-big dining table for the two of you.

Across from him, you sit down as you look at the spread before you. A steak on each of your plates, potato puree at the side. In the middle there’s assorted sides of mushrooms, corn kernels and what you assume to be a tray of sauces for the meat.

“Did you cook all of these?” You ask, almost breathless. You’re about to say he’s a much better cook than you are, until Sae speaks up.

“No.” He seems nearly unwilling to answer you, a delicate frown on his face. “Accidentally burnt the pans when I tried to cook.”

“Huh?” You spin your head around to find the sink filled with all your pans, and from the looks of it, Sae had been trying to scrub the burnt portions off unsuccessfully.

“We need to buy new pans.”

Sae says this all too monotonously, like he’s half-robot and half completely embarrassed, that you can’t help but laugh out loud. Besides, it’s kind of cute that there’s a faint pink on his cheeks. You’ve never seen that before.

He looks at you incredulously, like he wasn’t expecting you to laugh at him like he’s a damn clown. Flinging a mushroom at you with his fork, he rolls his eyes. “Shut up,” he groans.

Pouting at him mockingly, you decide to tease him a little more. “You didn’t touch anything else in the house and ruin them, did you?”

And you were joking, until you realise Sae’s averting his gaze, stuffing his mouth full with corn kernels.

“Sae!”

“We might need to get new stuff for the laundry room too,” he confesses, talking with his mouth full. (Spoiler: you find out later that he put the wrong detergents in the washer and accidentally flooded the laundry room.)

Still, you think it’s sort of endearing that he tried to do the chores while you were the one out for a change, so you stop yourself from making fun of him too much. It’s not like whatever you learned earlier isn’t still sitting in the back of your head (because a part of you wonders if he’s doing all this out of guilt), but some part of you wants to be selfish and let yourself feel special, even if it’s delusional, at least for a little bit.

You want to feel like the wife he misses when you’re not around, like the person he would think of when his mind strays. Is this all too much to ask?

Maybe you just can’t help yourself, so you bring yourself to ask: “Sae, why did you agree to this?”

There’s a pregnant pause in the room, the only sounds filling the silence being the stainless steel cutlery hitting the plates as Sae adjusts himself. “Why did you?”

You suppose that maybe it’ll be easier for him to share if you start first, so you bite the bait. “Long story but… if I don’t then it’ll fall to my sister and she’s happy with someone else.” You swallow the meat in your mouth, the fat rendered so well it makes you crave for more. “I don’t want her to have to sacrifice that. Our parents aren’t exactly the nicest people in the world.”

Sae listens to you, an understanding settling in his chest. He could laugh from the coincidence of it all. “Same, but for my brother,” he tells you, prodding at his steak. “And he’s happy with soccer, not some girl. Can’t get a girl to save his life.”

Somehow, you can hear the quiet fondness that he has for Rin that makes you believe he’s a good brother.

“Would a marriage affect his career all that much?”

There’s a certain complexity behind Sae’s expression when you ask that question, something that you can’t decipher. But he scoffs, “let’s just say, my parents aren’t the nicest people either. I would know.”

And something tells you that it’s not something you want to ask yet, so you let his answer sit with you.

“Oh, speaking of parents,” Sae brings up his phone, switching the subject and handing it over to you. It’s a string of texts between him and his mother, apparently. You hold it up to your face, reading through and it appears they’d gotten you both tickets. “Mine got us both tickets, so.”

As you scroll, a grin appears on your face as you look at him. “Honeymoon tickets to Korea?” You’re almost squealing. It’s been a long while since you’ve last had a vacation, and ten days of distraction sounds really nice after all the information you’d just learned today.

Sae rolls his eyes, though you don’t miss the slight tug upwards at the corner of his lips. “Yeah, so get packing, we leave in two days.”

And as excited as you are, you feel a vibration and the brief flash of ‘dummy’ messaging him, the only part of the preview that you can see being: no, take me with you :(

You’re pretty sure it vibrates some more but by then, you’re already handing the phone back and Sae just locks his phone without bothering. Shaking your head, you try to stuff that image back to the deepest crevices of your mind, determined to not let it ruin your mood for your getaway.

Ex lover or not, Sae is still your husband and it’s not like he hates this (by the looks of things, it’s only been getting better and better), so you’re still hell bent on making things work.

Two days fly by way too quickly.

The day after Sae tells you about the trip, you immediately get to work at packing. Ten days is not a short trip and you plan to make full use of it, and for that, you have to be ready.

You had spent the whole day buying anything you would need—travel-friendly items and whatnot—while commuting back home to your parents’ house (at a timing you know they’re at work, of course!) to take anything you might’ve left there that you needed. Just as you left the house, nostalgia took over as you looked around at the place where you grew up.

It’s strange. People say to cherish what time you have with your parents, that one day you’re going to move out and you’re going to miss it.

You don’t feel like that’s necessarily true, because you’re living proof. The only thing you’d miss is your sister and you still talk to her everyday. Meanwhile, the only times your mother or father ever talks to you is to ask you about your marriage and warning you not to annoy Sae too much, as though it was a given and that it shouldn’t be the other way around.

Maybe it doesn’t make much sense; you and Sae (or maybe just you) trying to be a family when you both have no idea what a proper family is like. Even if it is just on paper.

Now you’re on a town car to the airport and you’re fiddling with your passport in your hands, staring out the window like a little child that’s going overseas for the first time. (Next to you, Sae’s thinking the exact same thing—you do look so much like an excited child. Or maybe a puppy.)

Of course, Sae’s parents waste no expenses in gifting you two first-class seats. Not that you’ve never been in first class, but it’s nice to be next to Sae, and you catch yourself, realising just how quickly you’re catching feelings.

“What?” Sae’s just getting ready to turn his phone to flight-safe mode when he catches you staring, a hint of smugness forming inside of him.

Even with a small partition separating your seats, you can see his teal eyes staring at you, long lashes fluttering in all its glory. Instead of offering an answer, you just shake your head and lean back, busying yourself by adjusting the screen in front of you. 

Being in a state of denial is easy; it’s actually fun to sit in first class next to Sae, on a three-hour flight to your honeymoon, annoying him each chance you get, earning yourself a death stare every instant before laughing yourself silly when he flips off at you. It’s been a few weeks, but you think you’ve grown accustomed to what Sae is like that you know his middle fingers to you are never meant to be taken seriously and his silence is just how he is when he isn’t fully opened up. It nearly makes you think you’re crazy for doubting him and yet you don’t have the balls to question him about any of that. Not yet, because you’re not ready for this to end (if it will).

The itinerary had already been planned out by Sae’s mother, but it wasn’t like either of you wanted to follow it. One, Sae likes to do things spontaneously anyway and two, well, you have a feeling that he might want to treat this like a solo trip. It’s not like either of you have properly been husband and wife much to have a proper honeymoon together.

So count you surprised when you suggested that you both try to do solo trips around the city and just meet up for dinner, only to have Sae agree and yet follow you wherever you decide to go that first day.

At first, you were just wondering whether he had the same plans, but after he followed you into a Sephora looking absolutely clueless and then getting all flustered and sticking to you the moment the staff there asked him if he wanted to do a skin test, you allow yourself to think that he’s actually tagging along with you.

“What are you doing?” You decide to ask after exiting another store, carrying no less than five bags thanks to your anxiety of asking Sae what he’s up to.

On his part, he merely shrugs and looks away, hands in his coat pocket, looking absolutely like a model out of a magazine. Sometimes you wonder if he’s really yours. On paper, at least.

“This is our honeymoon, right? Makes sense that we’re together.” That’s all the explanation Sae offers, his gaze hovering over the bags you’re carrying, before he leans closer. “Besides, you’re my wife,” he says, gently grabbing your bags and carrying it for you.

He doesn’t say that it’s just on paper this time. And you can’t help but read into it. It’s perplexing how easily his words can affect you. It has your heart doing somersaults and your lips nervously pursing together.

“So, where next?” He prompts, looking at you expectantly.

And maybe you’re a little too excited for this pleasant turn of events that you’re grinning from ear to ear as you stare at him. “Wait, really?” 

You can’t even hide the glee in your voice and Sae, for the first time, smiles—even if he’s doing it as he rolls his eyes at you.

“Yes, stupid,” he tells you, chuckling as you hop slightly in excited. “Are we going or are you just gonna stand here like a little puppy?”

With excited nods and a little squeal, you clap your hands together before daring to put your fingers around his wrist, dragging him with you.

Sae follows quietly behind you, staring at you as you happily tread ahead, your hands warm and guarding his against the slightly chilly air, hair flowing in the wind and he suddenly thinks you’re even prettier than he first thought you were. And then he starts thinking that maybe this part of his life that’s planned by his parents isn’t so bad after all.

Though, when you get back to the hotel, you find out that Sae has already specially asked for two separate beds, to the surprise of all the hotel staff, because of course, Mrs Itoshi had booked the honeymoon suite for the both of you. Special requests for that room usually mean flowers on the bed, or breakfast just the way they like it—not for the groom of all people to be asking for a separate bed altogether, especially when he insists there is no additional person.

“I’ll sleep out here,” Sae tells you the moment you get back to the hotel that night, gesturing to the bed set up by the television, much to your bummer. But you suppose you can’t expect too much—hand holding was already a miracle in itself.

“Oh yeah, sure,” you shrug it off, like it doesn’t even matter. Deep down you feel like a rock was dropped from your throat to the bottom of your stomach, forming a gaping hole in your heart along the way that you tried to will into non-existence.

Still, somehow, despite this little obstacle, you find yourself optimistic after being witness to Sae’s change in demeanour.

“Hey, Y/N?”

When you turn around, you see a hint of hesitation flicker across his teal eyes before he shakes his head, brushing it off.

“It’s nothing, goodnight.”

Although you’re curious, you decide not to press him about it. Offering a small smile, you nod.

“Goodnight, Sae.”

Over the course of your entire honeymoon, you find that you shouldn’t be chiding yourself for being delusional in the first place.

For once in this one-sided love affair, you feel like perhaps it’s not so one-sided at all. Because from what you’ve learned about Sae in your close-to-minimal time together, he isn’t someone that you can force into doing anything he doesn’t want to. At least when it comes to mundane activities which includes trips. (Unless you’re his parents who you have no doubt in your mind probably mirrors your own and have their ways of controlling him, per se.)

But it’s hard to think he doesn’t want to do any of this with you when he’s so compliant. He follows your bucket list of things to do and doesn’t complain once. He lets you drag him to the palace and looks only slightly concerned when you tell him you want to “do the thing where we can dress up like royalty and take pictures” but he only sighs and concedes within seconds.

When he comes out of the room looking like the most handsome prince you’d ever met, you’re too shy to meet his gaze but he tilts your head up to look at him for most of the shots anyway. With his face so close to yours, with these kinds of small gestures which he willingly initiates, you begin to wonder if it’s possible to make him happy in this possibly loveless marriage.

Spending ten days together, surrounded by just each other and doing things that couples do; it nearly makes you feel as if this is real. Like Sae really loves you and that he had asked you to marry him one day out of the blue because of it. Nothing like how you felt that first time you met him, in your dressing room minutes before you were about to become husband and wife, being talked down to and told that this was a facade and could be nothing more.

Now he’s here with you, sticking close and following you around, entertaining your requests for activities, falling asleep on your shoulder when you were on the plane to Jeju, and sometimes he absentmindedly holds your hand like he’s used to it. He helps you with your luggage always, and he makes sure you get food whenever your stomach starts growling, and he’s more observant than you give him credit for because he starts picking the radish off your plate without you asking.

Your album’s suddenly filled with pictures of you and Sae and you were hesitant at first but dragging him to the amusement park when he wasn’t for it at first was a good decision; for a while, you get to see what he’s like when all the downturned lines on his face reverse, when he looks the most like an actual guy in his mid-twenties, enjoying life instead of brooding all the time. Thanks to that, your pictures are more both of you smiling or being goofy together instead of faceless pictures because neither of you feel like showing your faces at all.

By the time your honeymoon is about to come to an end, you find that maybe there’s hope for this after all. That maybe you’d just been overthinking everything prior to this and it shouldn’t be worth worrying over after the trip ends.

But you find that hope can be flimsy sometimes. 

On the seventh night there, you and Sae are both on your bed, in the actual bedroom, fighting (not literally) over a multiplayer game. Just two adults hunched over one phone playing frustrating games meant for kids. (Somehow it makes you feel like perhaps neither of you ever had a normal childhood and this is something to make up for it.) It’s all fun and games until you see a throng of message notifications from dummy mixed in with several from what you presume to be Sae’s group chat with the guys.

And you can keep pretending like it doesn’t matter, except Sae immediately stops after the current round and tells you he has to take a call. And you already know more or less who he’s going to talk to. And just like that, you feel like you’re back to square one all over again.

The subsequent nights (and days) aren’t easy for you either. After just giving up on thinking and forcing yourself to sleep that night, you’d been stuck with paranoia everyday. Especially when you realise that he’s starting to take calls every night outside on the balcony where he’s sure you’re out of earshot. 

You wonder if he’s being lovey dovey with her outside when he talks to her. You wonder if he imagines you as her when you’re out together. You wonder if he wishes you were her. You wonder if all this is just a gimmick; a test run for when he does the actual things with the actual girl he wants to do them with.

Safe to say, by your last night there, you’re a mess. The moment you get back from trying to be happy all day (which was a disaster because you wouldn’t stop trying to minimise contact with Sae), you tell him you’re too tired and that you’ll just go ahead and go to bed.

Which, of course, is code for ‘you just want to lie in bed and cry all night’.

Sae couldn’t even get a word out before you shut the door on him, plopping down onto the bed and crying into your pillow. Maybe holding everything in was a bad idea. Now you’re bursting with emotions and you try to call Reo a few minutes later but you can’t even get him because he’s busy somehow and you’re positive that the gods hate you right now.

There is one thing about being on rock bottom that you like, though; at least you know how you feel. You’re exhausted and upset and envious because you wish you could be that person for your husband. But you keep getting reminded that you’re not. That somehow you’re just a mere stand-in until he marries his real wife next time. The one he promised to love forever. (Technically, he vowed that to you on your wedding day too, but that’s not the same and you know it.)

Deciding to shut off your phone and have this time to yourself to cry your eyes out, you miss the sudden swarm of notifications that come in. And thanks to you stuffing your head into the pillow, you don’t notice Sae opening the door and peeking inside, an unfamiliar feeling settling inside him at the sound of you sobbing.

He gently closes the door behind him as he walks to you, your back turned to him, your hands and feet hanging onto the bolster like a koala to a branch. Slowly, he saunters over to you, almost like he’s afraid to. When his hand rests on your shoulder and he sinks into the mattress beside you, you stiffen up for just a moment before spinning around and sobbing into his chest instead.

You didn’t expect him to even enter your room at all, much less let you stain his shirt or hold you close when you’re being emotional like this, but he stays there, hand gently rubbing your arm, up and down, a gentle kiss placed on the top of your head. It makes you wonder what kind of games he’s playing. Is this Sae not being able to make up his mind and that’s why he’s still so nice to you even when he has his old flame in the back of his head?

“Do you… want me to leave you alone?” He asks, though you can argue it’s kind of a stupid question but then you realise he probably doesn’t know much about actual relationships so you let it slide.

You shake your head in response, deciding that as stupid as it all sounds, you want to throw your hat in the ring. You’ve fallen for him, and you want him for yourself.

And maybe it’s wrong of you to project this on him, but your absence of a normal family where a home is not just a house and where parents shower their children with actual love and concern makes you yearn for one yourself. And maybe it’s not a great idea to want that from a man you married from being forced to, but thanks to this honeymoon you can see that there’s a flicker of spark there.

That Sae’s not emotionless and he’s definitely not cold to you. Not anymore. That if you guys had been given more time instead of being rushed into things by your parents then maybe the whole wedding could’ve gone without any of the hitches you experienced. That every single radish he picked off your plate, every picture he took with you, every time he held your hand, every time he pulled you close—none of that was manufactured, was it?

So isn’t it possible for you to be happy with him? So is it still foolish or selfish of you to want to be with him?

Is it too much if you ask him about it?

“Hey, Sae?” Your voice is soft and timid and more vulnerable than you’ve ever shown, but he hears you loud and clear, his “hm?” resounding against his chest, right next to your ear. “Can you stay?”

A few seconds of pause, and he replies, “of course.”

You shake your head slightly. “I don’t mean that. I mean, you know, what we said on our wedding day.” Your voice is entirely muffled, still Sae understands.

There’s an even longer pause this time, and you think that Sae’s just thinking of a way to get out of this until you hear him speak up again.

“Idiot,” he chides, but you can hear the soft affection in his voice. Suddenly, you feel his pinky wrapping around your own, and he holds it near your face. “I promise you,” he whispers, and you wish you could see the expression on his face, “I’ll stay.”

It might be wishful thinking but you think he really means it.

taglist: @kimvmarvel @mxplesyrvp @yuzurins @futuristicxie @kiopanxp @k0z3me @y-sabell-a @sae1toshilover @xoxojisu @karmatiz @sagejin @minnieminnie00-got7 @hearts4heidi @shiinobu-x @n1uh @prepchuu @leeyzhuo @shidouryusm @tsukishiro-yue2402 @kaiserkisser @pookiebearcave @dcvilxswish @saeskiss @whtflrr @arminseas @raphsimp @saharei @danibxe @lectris00 @comet-kun @ishitam67 @gskill @sweet2wthsblog *bolded: can’t tag you due to your settings >_<

[silver-wield]

Story time! I legitimately liked Clerith at one point. A LOT. I played the original game back in the day and I wanted to join the Clerith community. I did so on Discord and nearly instantly was put off by several things within the community, but I pushed it down and told myself I was overreacting. First, it was small things - like how they loathed Team Four Stars' parody videos because of how they treated Aerith. (1)

when in reality all of the characters were given shitty attitudes and backstories because ya'know it was a parody! It felt hyper-sensitive to me for no reason, so I kept it to myself that I loved the video series and went on. Next was how they hated Tifa and willfully misinterpreted canon and characters. Believe it or not I genuinely like Tifa - she's complex and has beauty and brains and brawn so I don't see anything to dislike. But I couldn't exactly say that to them, and any suggestion (2)

that Tifa was a good character got major pushback. I shut up. What really pushed me over the edge was one user I can't recall the name of so I won't guess, but she was a bigwig. I wanted to join a specific part of the Discord. It was advertised as "debate friendly" so I thought - okay finally here is my shot at speaking my mind while not being dog piled. I asked to join and she said basically she had to verify I was a real person so she needed my real Facebook. (3)

A little creepy, and a little odd I thought since I had been in the group for over a month and had caused no trouble (I learned quickly what was and was not okay to say) but I gave it to her anyway. Keep in mind I was a minor at the time. She came back to me and said "You look like my relative." This tells me she was snooping on my page since at the time my profile picture was actually my cat and any pictures of myself were buried some ways back. (4)

About an hour later she told me she denied my request to join because she saw where I had posted Tifa fanart months ago, and since my Facebook was only two years old (again, I was a minor and had only been allowed to get FB roughly two years prior to this) that she was convinced I was a troll. Insert youvegottobekiddingme. png here. I told her she was paranoid to which she went off on a paragraphs-long spiel about how the Clerith community has been prosecuted by Clotis for ages. (nearly done)

I eventually got tired and blocked her and removed myself from the group. Because of that, and another encounter I had much later (in which my sexual identity was mocked) and an encounter a friend of mine had in which she was goaded into crying over her dead husband when she dared suggest that even if Cloud did love Aerith it's cruel to want him to stay single and mourning for the rest of his life, I have thoroughly decided I cannot stand Cleriths. They made me dislike Aerith. (fin)

Sorry for the late reply, anon. I wasn't ignoring it 😅

Tbf I don't like Machinabridged either, but my response is to just ignore it exists. I don't think I've even watched the whole thing. I've never gone off at the team behind it, but then I rarely give a shit because whenever I do I get slammed by tons of people. So, always remember to never express an opinion that differs from the masses, but if you do express it don't expect anyone to be on your side even if they claimed to be your friends.

Yeah, asking for personal info is a huge red flag for me. Nobody needs to know that unless they have plans to use it against you later. That's why I never give out personal info to people. Cleriths generally use it to make sure people don't stray from their hard-line hating. "If you like Tifa, we'll tell the fandom who you really are" kinda shit mentality.

Honestly, it sounds like you were in the cult's discord. Those are things I've heard them do to people. They're legit terrifying en masse. I mean, most large groups are, especially when one person weaponises them against a single person. Fandom and social media shouldn't be a numbers game that people then utilise to push down those with lower numbers than them, but that's what it is.

What's funny is their behaviour makes people dislike Aerith, so you'd think they'd care about how they come across. But then again, they don't even like her, she's just a straw doll they shove in front of them so they can throw shit at people from behind her and then say she's the reason for their actions.

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (1032): Thu 16th Jan 2025

I got a call from Scan.com discussing the results of my MRI scan. The guy said that I’ve got bone spurs and spondylitis in my upper spine and a bulging disc that’s pushing into my root nerves in my lower spine. He also said that this probably won’t require surgery and can be treated with steroids or physiotherapy. The fact that he even mentioned physio despite me telling him that I’ve been doing physio for over two years made me want to jump into the speaker of my phone and strangle him (which would definitely get me featured on 1000 Ways To Die if they ever decide to revive that show). I fucking knew that I had some sort of disc bulge but the fact that they haven’t found one in my upper spine makes me think that the problem must be in my shoulder (or maybe the guy had his thumb over the disc like Dr Hibert in that episode of The Simpsons). He says I now need to book an appointment with my GP to discuss treatment options. I’ve set one up for January 30th and I’m hoping that my GP will have an effective method of treatment 

Read a story about Vernon Kay who said he was worried his wife may give him grief for revealing their daughter has a crush on actor Timothee Chalamet live on his Radio 2 show. I’ve never been a fan of Vernon Kay, in fact for years whenever I’d answer the phone I’d scream “IF THIS IS VERNON KAY JUST FUCK OFF!” just on the off chance he’d accidentally dialled the wrong number. I think it’s because he looks like if Donny Osmond had a baby with Marie Osmond. Whenever I see him I wonder why his hands aren’t constantly covered in blood from twenty years of punching above his weight. The only show of his I ever watched was a gameshow called The Whole 19 Yards and my only memory from this gameshow is him hunching over a bent-over contestant in such a way it looked like he was performing anal sex on him. Maybe this is a standard greeting in Bolton where he’s from. Peter Kay charges people over a hundred quid to come and see his shows so they clearly don’t mind being fucked up the arse by a talentless hack. 

As I was waiting for my pizza I saw on Facebook that David Lynch had passed away which genuinely made me tear up a little bit. I think the true mark of getting old is when you notice that an alarming number of your heroes are dead. Rik Mayall, Sean Lock and now David Lynch. I dread to think what I’m going to be like in ten years and all my heroes are gone and I’m left with Charli XCX or whoever the fuck you young cunts are idolising these days. For all those years that Twin Peaks was off the air I still maintained hope that it would return one day and to be honest I still was after this recent reboot. Sadly now Lynch’s passing means that there is to be no more Twin Peaks or any of the other wonderful projects Lynch no doubt would’ve loved to treat us to. After watching Twin Peaks for the first time my tastes certainly shifted to art that was unconventional so it’s no exaggeration to say this man’s work literally changed my life. The one positive to come from Lynch’s death (other than the fact it will really upset Russell Brand) is that his funeral is going to be fucking amazing. You know his funeral won’t be the average run of the mill funeral it will be absolutely insane. It won’t be a hearse carrying his body to the service, the coffin will be pushed there by one blind flamingo and it wont be taking place in a church but rather in an owl sanctuary that’s been abandoned since they found a dead nun in there in 1971. It wont be a priest conducting the service it’ll be conjoined twins and one of them will cut the stuffing out of a pillow while the other one just screams “RABBIT SEASON! RABBIT SEASON! RABBIT SEASON” for twenty five minutes. And he wont be buried or cremated, at the end of the service a chimpanzee will come out with a cheese grater and grate his body into chunks and glue each chunk to a different grasshopper and then set them all free while he throws thousand island dressing all over the mourners. Thank you for everything David. Rest well and thank you for all the beautiful nightmares :,(

[jojoturnip]

I had a horrible dream about you last night. I don't have your phone number, I've lost it somewhere along the years.

I have your mom's number. And your step dad's. Do either of them remember me? Could I text them and ask if you were okay, or would they think it was spam?

Google hangouts is dead now. That's how we used to talk. I have your Facebook. I sent you a message as soon as I woke up, tears running down my face. You haven't read it yet.

In the dream, you had killed yourself back in highschool. Your parents had given me this black box of your remains, and I'd stored it for years in my parents house, never daring to look inside and see the last of you.

I remember sitting on your bed when you showed me your father's ashes compressed into this pink plastic container. It was shaped like a heart or a star I think. It has his name in black font across the top. You rubbed your finger over the edges.

I didn't want to look in that box and find a matching plastic piece of you.

Wendy was the one who gave me the box in my dream. She was pissed, but not at me. At you. For dying and leaving yourself in my hands. A girl who had abandoned you.

Sometimes I wonder how you think about our past. Do you wonder how things could have gone differently? Do you still think about your curses that silenced the cafeteria and the peach pit in my hand? Do you think about the day you called me terrified of your boyfriend years down the line?

I never forgot you, you know. I think about you a lot. I wrote a book about you, about your life and my life and how it all got twisted. About how we were kids with far too high expectations. About how you were the last person on Earth to know me before I lost so much of myself.

You knew the sunshine, yellows, always positive and preppy version of me. Im fighting still to get the pieces I want of her back, but I still wonder if you would recognize me at all now. Could we walk by each other and pass as strangers?

I didn't talk about it then. I didn't know how, and no one could handle the small problems I was bringing up. I grew up in an abusive household. Things were always a little bad, but it got so much worse the first year of high school. I lost my faith in humanity.

Sometimes, I think I was wrong to lose faith in you, though.

Other times I think you really would have hurt all those people had I not stepped up.

My parents moved a couple of years ago and left a bunch of my stuff in a storage unit that I continue to stall on opening. In my dream, I found your box there. I took it to two of my current friends and asked them for help finding a place to bury you. I wanted you to rest, I didn't want to hold on to you anymore.

We walked through several forested places, somewhere in the celery bog probably. We knelt down in a muddy area where the forest met the creek. I figured you, or at least the old version of you, would like it there.

Slowly, I unpacked your box. There was no plastic heart or star. There was a small bag of ashes and a bag of bones I couldn't identify. Those were the only human remains your mom had given me. The rest was just what remained of your life.

Rocks, gems, twisting branches, beaded jewelry, hand-embroidered pins. I sorted these pieces of you out on old linens on the forest floor.

Why did you leave these to me?

What pieces of you do you want me to keep?

The dream ended around there, but it felt so real that I woke up still believing fully that you were dead. Off I went to Facebook, reaching out to you in panic for the first time in years.

I'm still waiting to hear back.

You knew me back when I trusted my intuition more. I hate to think that my dream means anything real.

I know we aren't close any more. But I've never called you anything other than my friend. I have never stopped caring about you, and you don't need to feel the same to keep my number in your phone just in case.

Just tell me you're okay.

My friends now tell me I ask if they're okay far too often. I don't think they see this anxious intuition inside of me. This breathing thing that knows when something is wrong.

Just tell me you're okay. Please.

[currentmediasstuff]

The Dark Story Behind Team Thackeray Leader's Murder On Facebook Live

Mauris Noronha shot dead a prominent leader of Shiv Sena UBT, Abhishek Ghosalkar, on a Facebook live yesterday. The two have been at loggerheads for quite some time and were reportedly burying the hatchet during the video.

Popularly known as Mauris ‘Bhai’, Noronha was a poker player who had gained a positive reputation for assisting thousands of underprivileged individuals during the COVID-19 pandemic. He had recently returned to Mumbai from Los Angeles. His intention to contest the upcoming corporator elections took a hit when the son of a prominent Shiv Sena UBT leader, Abhishek Ghosalkar, opposed his candidacy.

The situation further intensified as a case of rape was registered against Noronha, leading to his arrest. Suspecting that Abhishek Ghosalkar was behind the legal troubles he faced, Noronho allegedly came up with a plan and shot Ghosalkar multiple times before taking his own life.

A viral video of the incident, which took place at assailant Noronha’s office in IC Colony in the northern suburb of Borivali (West) on Thursday evening, showed Ghosalkar being shot in the abdomen and shoulder.

Abhishek Ghosalkar (right) had gone to Mauris Noronha’s office to talk and resolve their differences

Two FIRs have been registered in the case, one for murder and the other for suicide. The Crime Branch of Mumbai Police has taken over the investigation into this tragic incident.

Mumbai police have arrested one person after Ghosalkar was shot and killed on camera. The person arrested, Mehul Parikh, was also reportedly at the site when the shootings took place.

During the live, Noronha gets up to greet Mehul Parikh. Shortly after this, the shootings occur. The police are investigating whether Mr Parikh played any role or had prior knowledge of the shooting.

The murder of Mr Ghosalkar comes days after a BJP MLA was caught on camera firing at a leader of the Eknath Shinde faction, Mahesh Gaikwad.

Aaditya Thackeray, former state minister and the son of Uddhav Thackeray, said that Maharashtra is earning a bad name due to such incidents.

“Now I have received information that bullets have been fired on Abhishek Ghosalkar… How many days should we bear it? Maharashtra is not only getting defamed by this, people are also feeling scared. The most important thing is that the industry will not come to Maharashtra, such a situation has arisen in the state,” Mr Thackeray said.

[marie1-kersaint]

👀 🏤 🏤 https://www.facebook.com/share/BzrDYRd6TRsUsEBM/?mibextid=WC7FNe

i apologize for embroiling you into my family's tragedy. 

As soon as i got home, i wrote a letter for my family to take to Atlantis before November 17 (more than a full month before second payment due date.  i text, and warned them.  i asked MOM also to tell them.

Stating, we don't want MOM's health to improve.  MOM, MAXXX had made the decision to just go to hospital (specific hospitals when the pain is too much).  No follow up with PCP, maybe, just maybe take prescribed Rx

tea is enough.

YES PEOPLE WHO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES DO DROP DEAD WHILE SMOKER, COMEDIAN GEORGE BURNS LIVED 100 AND OTHERS TOO!!! 

Since 2017 i kept trying to get my sister to join THE CLUB hoping MY MAXXX would ride the 3 miles with her before he had gone blind from  diabetes.  (before anyone thinks to say it,  i acknowledge that that could be my fate too and MUCH WORSE)   i became a worse pain in the neck and want them to take care even as a Pharisee i can't do better.    i offer to pay several times.  i asked, begged, annoyed the company to sell GIFT CARDS during Holidays.  NO COMMITTMENT. 

once for Mothers' Day i took MOM to the Palm Beach Gardens and she liked both the DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE CHAIR and THE HYDRO BED.

i annoy them so much that MOM tried and used her Humana Silver Sneakers benefit a couple times (when i'd come down from New Jersey to visit she took us to the beach and she's a good swimmer.

When she came from burying LINDA conway DEMOSTHENES January 2021.  Looking at my mails, i open one that turned out to be her's (SAME NAME).  After almost a year of fighting NOW they finally use her insurance's regularly $150+ toward extra food or OTC etc...

i am always brilliant at looking for trouble.  i was inspired and offered $500/each if after 30 (full) days of using the KNEELING PULL UP they don't see a difference (you know where)

Last year in RiverView's DTMC i groaned why wouldn't GOD release MOM to try something like that for back and other pains!  i made plans to drive east to take her to Atlantis.  Then she fell  3 days before her birthday.

i HATE DRIVING.  Just like in Douglas Adams

i am SORRY for involving your AMAZING CLUB  & EXCELLENT EMPLOYEE into our quagmire

Marie K Demosthenes 

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[monstercat-blog]

GG Magree - Already Dead [Monstercat Official Music Video]

🎧Listen to the track, support on all platforms: https://monster.cat/alreadydead

✏️ Lyrics I died a little on the inside Every day since you fucked up my life Bought a ticket for a death ride, Even though I knew I'd pay the price

I been numbing the pain, Smoking feelings away Like novocaine, In my mind

All the blood in my veins, Is draining away, I don't care if I'm barely alive Barely alive

Pulse is gone Emotion less My heart, Already stopped beating

Buried deep, Motion less You cut me, But I'm not bleeding

You could, Tie me up Light the match Watch the flames wash over my head

I'm seeing red My heart is black Cause you can't kill what's already dead

Oh wasn’t it romantic, Every time you put ur hands around my neck Bite marks making love notes Every night you made a coffin outta my bed.

I been numbing the pain, Smoking feelings away Like novocaine, In my mind

All the blood in my veins, Is draining away, I don't care if I'm barely alive Barely alive

Pulse is gone Emotion less My heart, Already stopped beating

Buried deep, Motion less You cut me, But I'm not bleeding

You could, Tie me up Light the match Watch the flames wash over my head

I'm seeing red My heart is black Cause you can't kill what's already dead

🎥 Video Credits Cast - Alexandra Shipp Cast - Christian Tasiopoulos Director - Janush Director of Photography - Brendan J Boyle 1st AC - Isaiah Walk Gaffer - Eli Difiore Key Grip - Caleb Harris Stunt Coordinator - Christian Howard Stunt Rigger - Ian Eyre Production Assistant - Tyler Hylland Production Assistant - Landon Tavernier MUA & Hair - Samantha Lepre Producer - Janush Executive Producer - Spaced Visuals

▼ Follow Monstercat https://monster.cat/follow

▼ Follow GG Magree Twitter: https://twitter.com/ggmagree Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/54pgk… Facebook: https://facebook.com/GGMAGREE Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/us/artist/gg-… Instagram: https://instagram.com/ggmagree YouTube: / @ggmagree TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@ggmagree

Genre: #Rock #Monstercat

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[annarellix]

I Love It When You Lie By Kristen Bird

The Williams women don’t just keep secrets… They bury them.

The three Williams girls are as close as sisters can be, and they also share one special trait in common: each of them has a man in her life that she could do without. Tara, the pastor’s wife, has been stealing money from the church and would prefer that her husband stay out of it. Then there’s June, who would do anything to have a baby of her own, even if her husband is dead set against it. Clementine, the youngest, is entangled in an affair with her professor, a man whose behavior she's starting to seriously question. Their sister-in-law Stephanie, an outsider, knows all the family dirt and is watching the three of them—and the men in their lives—closely. When the woman who raised them, their beloved Gran, dies on the eve of her eightieth birthday, the Williams sisters return home to the Appalachian foothills to bury her. But their grandmother won’t be the only one they’ll put in a grave this weekend…because now someone has gone missing in the dark Appalachian woods

And if Gran has taught them anything, it’s how to get rid of a good-for-nothin’ man.

My Review: When I read the blurb I expected a sort of Southern Gothic with dark humour. I got more than I bargained because I got a very entertaining story set if in the South, full of humour and featuring a cast of strong and morally gray women. It's a sort of family story with a mystery part and I thoroughly enjoyed it as the characters are fleshed out and the tightly knitted plot flows. A lot of fun and a gripping story. What's more ? Highly recommended. Many thanks to MIRA for this arc, all opinions are mine

Buy Links: BookShop.org https://bookshop.org/p/books/i-love-it-when-you-lie-a-suspense-novel-kristen-bird/18500272?ean=9780778333432 Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-love-it-when-you-lie-kristen-bird/1141722027 Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0778333434 IndieBound: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780778333432

Social Links: Author Website: https://www.kristenbird.com/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/kbirdwrites Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kristen.bird.writes/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristenbirdwrites/

The Author: Kristen Bird lives outside of Houston, Texas with her husband and three daughters. She earned her bachelor’s degree in music and mass media before completing a master’s in literature. She teaches high school English and writes with a cup of coffee in hand. In her free time, she likes to visit parks with her three daughters, watch quirky films with her husband and attempt to keep pace with her rescue lab-mixes.

[cotaco-witch-blog]

First off, he was pretty clear that this wasn’t the only ask he’s gotten. This is just the only one he’s published. As a person who’s been on the receiving end of internet harassment, I can comfortably say that he’s gotten a lot worse and probably a lot more often. In my case, I dare to exist while pagan. Internet Christians don’t like that.

Why should he get support when I don’t? If I’m whining about people with careers calling me a chimp and people telling me to choke, then he’s whining about threats from anonymous users. 

Right, because obscure internet drama from mostly dead forums compares with a rising wave of hate and actual real, breathing people being murdered because they are LGBTQ+. Not blocked. Murdered. Had their lives taken from them because they dared to exist in a way that some bigot didn’t like. I think that’s a bit more severe than being told that you’re being a fucking idiot and refusing to understand what several people have tried to explain to you.

Is he a dick about it? Yeah. I know a lot of LGBTQ+ people in real life who are fed up and tired of being told to grin and bear it when people are awful to them. I’m loosely quoting something I saw here, but all the nice LGBTQ+ people are dead because the bigots killed them. Sorry, but you ran into someone with a thin well of patience because all of it was exhausted years ago. You can thank bigots for that.

Honestly, seeing what I’ve seen about you (stealing art is a dick move, by the way), I can understand why people get pissed off. If your fandom is causing you so much pain, leave. It’s not healthy for you.

Unlike a threat which is made then over with, there is an active negative action towards me.  Remember, even restraining orders against demonstrably dangerous individuals generally expire. If you make someone disappear forever, it’s functionally the same as killing them. 

LOL no it’s not. If someone is dead, their life is completely over. They’re in the ground. Buried. Any potential they might have had turns into worm food along with the rest of them. But if you get blocked? Remake your blog, change your username, follow other people, branch out your interests. You still have potential. You can change, explore new things, do whatever.

If someone is dead, though? They’re in the ground, feeding the worms, and gone. They don’t come back. You can pop over to Instagram, Threads, FaceBook, Twitter, or whatever and begin anew. Joe McCorpse in Potter’s Field is worm food and nothing else.

You don’t know if he’s been doxxed. I’ve glanced at his blog and socials - he’s really fucking careful. I don’t see pet pictures. No selfies. Nothing. Maybe this is a safety thing because he has people who literally want to kill him. Going from that threat, I would say that there is a very real, very active negative action against him.

You’re just too privileged to see it.

Also, making fun of people is harassment and bullying, and if you can’t see where the idea of hoping people perish or ever enjoying someone else’s suffering because you find it “comical” is bad, then you’re no better than the person who sent anon hate.  Issuing threats is wrong because threats of violence are wrong for anyone, no matter their status.  Wanting people raped, murdered, or just gone is wrong. 

LOL glad you understand why the threat was wrong. It’s a pity why you don’t understand why someone would be snarky.

Look. The fact that he didn’t bow down and kiss your ass doesn’t make him abusive. I also don’t think that he hopes you’re dead. I’ve searched your name on his blog. He seems to think you’re reading his posts and hopes you enjoy the random bullshit. Is he pissy? Yeah. Does he do the typical author thing where he talks about writing people into his books? Also, yeah.

Congratulations, the author acts like an author. News at 11.

So again, why do you want a woman of color to have less rights than anyone else?  What’s wrong with treating everyone the same way? 

Why do you want a gay Native American to put up with homophobic harassment?

See, I can just ask questions, too.

Do you want some cheese with your whine? If you can't understand why a gay person would be upset at you for not understanding why he blocks people who want him to be raped and murdered, I don't know what to say to you.

What a way to twist the situation.

I can't understand why you deem it okay for someone to actively send me messages then claiming I'm demanding attention from them by asking not to be blocked. You reference a singular threat as a sufficient reason to endorse blocking, but it's "whining" for me to take issue about being threatened, forcibly separated, lied about, having opportunities denied, and even having my very content taken down. Why are my words a "whine" but his not? Why should he get support when I don't? If I'm whining about people with careers calling me a chimp and people telling me to choke, then he's whining about threats from anonymous users. If the threats against him are taken seriously, then so should the abuse I've suffered, and a lot of it has been less than 20 years ago - it has just gone on that long.

Plus, if people are permitted to block me for 10 or 20 years, then it's not something that happened years ago, because the block is still active and happening. Unlike a threat which is made then over with, there is an active negative action towards me. Remember, even restraining orders against demonstrably dangerous individuals generally expire. If you make someone disappear forever, it's functionally the same as killing them.

Also, making fun of people is harassment and bullying, and if you can't see where the idea of hoping people perish or ever enjoying someone else's suffering because you find it "comical" is bad, then you're no better than the person who sent anon hate. Issuing threats is wrong because threats of violence are wrong for anyone, no matter their status. Wanting people raped, murdered, or just gone is wrong.

There are people who want me dead and if I open up my anon box, they will come back. When I block the people who agree with the people who want me dead, then instead of "curating my audience" as they claim I have the right to do and being happy they convinced me of their position that it is necessary to block for for my safety, they say it's wrong of me to block but right of them to block. So again, why do you want a woman of color to have less rights than anyone else? What's wrong with treating everyone the same way?

[isa-ah]

i might be like a soft touch or whining a lot for the next couple weeks cause the end of the year really rawdogs my ass so just look the other way if im embarrassing ok

[descendantofthesparrow]

Days in the sun - Walter Deville x Reader -OUAD alt fic!

=

Will I tremble again, To my dear one's gorgeous refrain? Will you now forever remain Out of reach of my arms? -

“(Y/N)-NO-(Y/N)!!!!” I screamed out her name, her hand having just slipped from mine-her ring now sitting in the palm of my hand as her form crumbled to the ground-her head hitting something hard-I flinched as I heard her skull crack. I called her name over and over again, my castle staff holding me back from leaping off the cart and going back to save her-I would be no use to her or them dead from the townsfolk.

She wasn’t there when we came back after everything calmed down-I desperately searched for her throughout the forest-calling for her-her ring clutched to my chest, tears streaming down my face. “(y/n)!!!” I screamed and screamed and screamed.

She never responded.

All I found was the rock that was stained with her blood-where her head had been cracked open. I collapsed over it, curling into myself as I cried my heart out, my throat getting sore and dry with how much I cried.

I think I cried out all my emotions that day-because-after that-I felt…nothing. just-emptiness.

Things stayed that way for the next 900 years.

-

There's not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. My beloved.

My (y/n).

It had been over 900 years since she disappeared, since I last held her hand, since I last heard her voice. At some point-you’d think I lose count of the days, the months, the years since that fateful day. But I hadn’t, my brain constantly reminded me of her, of how long it’s been.

328,777 days. 900 years, two months, three days. That’s how long it had been since I lost my heart-my soulmate. I sighed, leaning back from my current paperwork, reaching up and taking the thin silver chain from around my neck, bringing (y/n)’s wedding ring out to rest in my palm.

To this day-I had, no clue-to where she had gone. She wasn’t dead-I knew that, if she had been killed I would’ve become human again-maybe even died with her. But instead, it was almost as if my heart was taken and locked away, only to be released when I thought of her.

I sighed again, bringing her ring to my lips and closing my eyes; wondering what the villagers had done with my beloved so many centuries ago. Had they buried her? Locked her away? Was she chained to the bottom of a lake-wasting away, waiting for me to find her?

I hated the thought, hated the thought that she might still be waiting for me; waiting to be rescued by her beloved. I covered my eyes at the thought, biting the inside of my cheek as my chest felt heavy all of a sudden. I forced that feeling away as my butler knocked on my study door and I sat up in my chair, taking a deep breath before calling him to come in, hiding her ring behind my shirt.

“yes?” I asked him, a bit tiredly, the current week had been a bit exhausting-with the news of a suddenly appearing Alexander female that was of marital age, there was a shortage of something within the town that apparently needed my attention, Viktoria was being oddly clingy in way that wasn’t exactly-endurable, and the sudden waves of paining guilt that were piercing my chest before, during, and after each meal I ate.

That had happened more often-first starting 10 years ago now. I couldn’t quite place why-for the last 900 years-after she disappeared-it felt like my emotions were locked behind my own heart. I never had time to dwell on why it was happening.

My mind was brought back to the present as Mr. Field stood in front of my desk, handing me a file with Ms. Evelyn ‘Alexander’ Jackson’s information in it. “oh, good” I muttered, taking the file and opening it, pulling out a printed version of Evelyn’s Facebook profile. She was quite the specimen, dark curling hair with piercing brown eyes, a nose ring complimenting her facial structure and lips. She was beautiful-though no-one would ever match my darling (y/n). I looked up, seeing Mr. Field still standing there. “Anything else?”

“Oliver Alexander called, he said Ms. Alexander did agree to fly in for the wedding, she thinks it’s a wedding for their cousin and your niece at the moment” I chuckled, sipping at the scotch that sat on my right-hand side. Niece, I was the only Deville left-neither of my sisters wished for children and I never had the opportunity to…well, I did-but the person I wanted kids with wasn’t around anymore. “but, she requests to bring a friend of hers along”

I nearly choked on my drink, looking up at my butler in shock. “really?” I asked, calming myself and setting my drink down, licking my lips as he nodded “and-who is this friend?” maybe this friend of Evelyn could be her first meal as a vampire-as a proper goodbye to her human life(I felt a sharp pain in my chest at that idea, what was this feeling?!)

“Oliver says her name is (y/n).”

My heart skipped a beat.

No….no it-it couldn't be-it couldn’t.

It would be impossible.

There were millions of (y/n)’s in the world-there had to be-it-it couldn't be my (y/n). It would be impossible.

Her ring sitting on my chest suddenly felt so present-even more so than usual. I didn’t realize I was zoning out, Mr. Field looking down at me concerned, tilting his head slightly “Sir? Master Deville?” I looked up at him, clearing my throat, waving my hand in dismissal. “yes-of course. This, (y/n)-” my mouth felt dry at the name-and my body felt warm-but I forced myself to believe that it wasn’t my (y/n).

It couldn’t be.

She was gone. I had to accept that.

My mind went to the pocket watch that sat in my bedroom desk drawer, our song sitting locked within its gears. “-is welcomed to come along with Evelyn.” Mr. Field nodded, a bit-concerned-at my current reactions to this friend of Evelyn. But he bowed out with a wave of my hand, leaving me to practically sink to the floor out of my chair, my heart suddenly beating out of my chest-something it hadn’t done in decades. Centuries even.

Just her name sent me into a whirlwind like this.

“it’s not her, it’s not” I whispered to myself, covering my face with both hands and taking a slow sobbing breath. “it’s not. She’s gone.” I bit the inside of my lip-I hated admitting that to myself, but-the man who she loved was gone, so reasonably-she was gone too. The man who clung to her had been left behind in the abandoned castle-I needed to let her go.

I touched my cheek-it was blazing warm-my eyes burning with tears. “fuck” I cursed, tipping my head back and taking several deep breaths; i needed to gain control of myself-all while wondering where all this had come from.

Guilt for feeding on innocent people, pain when I remembered my dear (y/n), and all this-blubbering-over her name.

What had happened? What had happened to the emotionless Walter Deville?

-

Mr. Field stopped as he made his way through the halls, feeling as if he had forgotten to ask the master something about the new Alexander brides friend. He brushed the thought off-he was sure it wasn’t important.

-

In the next three weeks-the household of new Carfax abbey got ready for the arrival of the new lady Alexander, and her friend. An extra guest room was made up, and the Alexander suite was readied for a new generation-fitted for a young woman like Evelyn. Soon came the day of her arrival-only five days before the wedding. Only she didn’t know it was hers just yet.

I brushed my shirt clean-running my hands through my lightly gelled hair to smooth it back. My eyes caught onto the painting that hung above the doors that led into my room-(y/n)’s ever-kind eyes staring back at me. I sighed, feeling her ring press warmly against my chest-I blew her painting a kiss and exited my room-it was around the time Evelyn would arrive along with her friend so I should get going. I frowned at the odd-tugging sensation that pulled at my chest-a wisping wind at my back-pushing me towards the front yard.

I shook the feeling off, doing one last check of the house before I began making my way downstairs, huffing to myself as I read through the report Mr. Field had given me for the wedding. “of course, the flowers are all messed up-and then her dress won’t be here till Saturday-only a day before the wedding.” It was Wednesday now, and I hated cutting things close-I preferred everything to be on time-maybe even early.

“You’re going to give yourself grey hairs worrying like that” I sighed, turning to see Viktoria, her dark hair pulled halfway back into a bun-the rest of her hair framing her face. “and you’re supposed to be in your room” I muttered back, looking down at the papers and signing a few with a pen I had taken along for the ride. “Evelyn has no idea about all this-so technically-you shouldn't exist quite yet, not till the cocktail party.”

Viktoria clicked her tongue, making her way down to me-meeting me halfway on the staircase “oh don’t worry, I’ll be away from your blushing bride in just a moment, I was just wondering if the food had arrived?”

The maids, she meant the maids-but Viktoria had always been easygoing about what we fed on-even if I was beginning to feel queasy about it. I cursed at the feeling, not 10 years ago I could ravage several women within a day and feel nothing for them-yet now I could hardly kill a mouse and not feel guilt. I-I didn’t necessarily mind feeling this way-it…it made me feel like (y/n) was around again. But it was useless for the life I lived now.

“They should be out front,” I muttered instead of revealing my inner thoughts to my eldest bride, folding away the papers and going to put them inside my study “now go. Evelyn should be here any minute.” Viktoria huffed at the mention of the new bride, she was jealous-of course she was- but she obeyed and stalked away. But I knew later there would be some complaints from her.

I made my way outside to check with the gardener-when a voice caught my attention-a new one. And she sounded quite perturbed with my butler, I sighed, having a feeling he had gotten a bit cruel with the maid staff that had arrived-if I recall-I heard one of them drop a case of champagne glasses.

I began to make my way over-hoping to smooth over Evelyn’s first interaction with my staff and make sure her initial impression with the manor wasn’t on such a sour note. “Did I stutter?” Evelyn snapped, holding an intricately made vase to her chest, glaring at my butler who seemed ready to spout some words that neither I nor Evelyn would have liked to hear.

He was a good butler-but gods he was a bit of an asshole. “At ease Mr. Field” I quickly called out, hands in my pockets as I approached my new bride, her dark brown eyes turning over to me-the thinly laced anger in her eyes not disappearing at the sight of me. Though I didn’t expect it to-from her files-she was a bit of a spitfire. “I believe this is one of our important guests” I ended with a soft smile aimed at Evelyn-though something-I didn’t know what-was screaming at me to look just behind my new bride.

I only glanced, holding back a frown as I felt my heart skip a beat as I looked at the new person that had arrived with Evelyn, she was holding her finger in her mouth-her back turned to me. I looked back at Evelyn, smelling blood from this new person-she must’ve been Evelyn’s friend; (y/n). My heart skipped another beat at the thought of her name.

“And that makes a difference?” Evelyn muttered, glaring at me a bit-at the notion that her new connections to the Alexander family made a difference in how she was treated by my staff. Mr. Fields bowed-all but confirmed Evelyn had made a correct assumption “my sincerest apologies ma’am.” Evelyn just glared, and I glanced at my butler-who quickly bowed off, realizing he wasn’t welcome anymore.

Why was my heart going crazy-what the hell was happening? I could feel it beating out of my chest like I was alive again-the last time this happened was-was when I saw (y/n) in her wedding dress. “Apologies,” I said instead of focusing on my odd feelings, turning to watch as my butler walked away “he can be a bit demanding.”

Evie grumbled to herself, glaring after my butler “More like an asshole,” I couldn’t help but chuckle, smirking at my new bride-she was quite amusing “Ah, so you must be Evelyn~” she furrowed her brows at me, moving her hair out of the way as squared her shoulders slightly. “Evie. And you are?” I was about to introduce myself, my eyes flickering back over to Evie’s friend, something kept drawing me to her-and I couldn’t figure out why.

I felt like I knew her.

“Walter!” Evie’s friend’s shoulders dropped slightly, as if disappointed by my name, slightly glancing at me as she continued to nurse her finger-I couldn't see her eyes just yet but I could feel them on me-and my heart continued to beat like a hummingbird's wings. What was going on with me? Oliver jogged over to stand next to Evie’s friend, taking my hand and smiling at Evie “You beat me to the punch,” Oliver joked, pulling back and putting his hands in his pockets. “you’ve been introduced?”

Evie gave a very disappointed sounding “Yes.” while I said no, so I just grinned in that way I knew made every girl melt and tilted my head slightly “Well, not formally” I muttered, I watched as Evie clicked her jaw and stepped back towards her friend-who finally turned to look at me. And I locked eyes with her-and

And-

And-

Oh, oh my gods.

No-it-it-

It was impossible-it couldn’t be?....

(y/n)?

That-this was my (y/n), my darling (y/n), it had to be-no one could ever match her beauty so well as this woman did-she had the same eyes-the same lips-the same face, the same shining hair-this…

How-how was she here?

What had I done to earn her presence again?

I felt my heart stop again-my hands shaking in my pockets-my lungs unable to function as I took my long-lost beloved in. It-had to be her, it had to be-this had been what my body was pushing me towards-begging me to reunite with my beloved, to be with my darling (y/n). every part of me screamed to take her in my arms, to hold her, and never let her go again.

I forced myself to look back at Evie, trying to convince myself that this wasn’t (y/n), that I was forcing her visage upon Evie’s friend. But every time I looked at her-that visage never faded, and that pull I felt never left. Oliver introduced Evie and her friend; (y/n), and I could only try to keep my eyes on Evie while my hands trembled, unable to focus as my mind speed-ran the stages of grief and disbelief.

This had to be a-a dream of some sorts-a trick-a nightmare-(y/n)-my darling, my dearest-couldn’t have just-shown up suddenly. I was going to wake up in my bed-and restart the day-and this (y/n) wouldn’t be my (y/n). Oliver introduced me, and when (y/n) heard my last name-she perked up, and-and that gave me just a bit of hope.

Did she recognize me? Maybe this was my (y/n). I kept switching up on myself, telling myself it wasn’t my (y/n), and then the next moment I believed it truly was my darling.

Then It hit me- I should probably talk again, and so I told Evie she could just call me Walt-teasing her for telling me I could call her Evie instead of her full name. (y/n) licked her lips at that, pulling out her sliced finger from her mouth, frowning down at it as Evie finally noticed the injury-as did i-and pulled (y/n)s hand into her face “(y/n)! when did that happen?!” (y/n) was about to answer but I stepped forward and took her hand-and the moment I touched her skin-it was like lightning went down my spine.

Her eyes met mine-and I felt my body come alive again, my mind a flurry of emotions I hadn’t felt for years.

It was truly her-this was my (y/n), my beloved. My lady. I could hear the blood rushing to her cheeks as I examined her cut, frowning at the blood that began to pour from it again “glass-shard-cut” (y/n) stuttered out, her cheeks flaring to life as I held her hand gently.

Oh gods-how I had missed the sound of her voice-like soft snow bells on a winter evening, calm waves on the shore, songbirds in spring-oh how I could listen to her for hours on end, wishing to bury myself within her voice. I blinked back to reality as I realized I should get her taken care of quickly and started tugging her into the manor, leading her towards the kitchens-she resisted for only a moment, glancing back at Evie-who shrugged, looking just as confused as Oliver did-wondering why I had taken a shine to this ‘random’ girl.

I wondered when (y/n) would drop the act, and smirk at me like she used to when she played teasing tricks on me-like she always did when she helped my little sister prank me. Probably once we were alone-then that look in her eyes that she reserved for only me would return-and I would shower her in the affection I had missed giving her these last 900 years.

But as I cleaned her wound, and placed a Band-Aid on it-that look never appeared, instead, there was only confusion. There was no spark of familiarity-and I realized-I hadn’t seen it once from her. Why was she acting as if she didn’t know me? “There we go,” I muttered as I finished dressing her wound, stepping back to give her some space-watching carefully as she curled her hands into her chest-looking up at me through her lashes. “All better” she thanked me quietly, bowing her head as she did.

“you didn’t have to do that” she muttered, and I nearly scoffed, shaking my head-how could she say that? I would do anything for her. “no worries,” I said instead, my eyes drawn down to the leather chord that laced around her neck, her fingers fiddling with it-could that be? “so how do you know Evie?” I asked, genuinely curious on how my beloved had come to know my new bride…okay that sentence was very weird to me now that (y/n) was back.

Might have to make a major change of plans.

As (y/n) explained how she had met Evie-and became friends-my mind was stuck on the fact that she had been homeless for six years. I could only imagine her scared and alone-shivering as the night chill settled in. my gaze settled back on her as she tucked her chin into her chest-something she always did when she felt shy or uncomfortable.

“Why were you homeless, if-if that’s not an invasive question?” I needed to know, why had she been alone? Lost in a world she had been missing from for 900 years-when had she appeared? How long had she been just out of reach? (y/n) laughed awkwardly, fiddling with her necklace as she glanced to the side, shrugging a bit. “oh! Uh, this is-going to sound strange but uh,” she bit her lip, as if unsure she should tell me something “I woke up about ten years ago, with no memories.”

She…..she didn’t remember anything?

She-she didn’t remember me?

I felt the brimming hope in my body die out at that, my shoulders dropping as I looked at my beloved, who had finally returned to me after 900 years…only to not know who I was, and who she was to me. “I barely knew my name, I really only remember it thanks to this-voice,” I perked up at that, a voice? “I remember calling for me but uh-yeah, I was just-wandering around by a town and this-old couple brought me in and gave me a place to recuperate for a week, and then…I was in New York.”

She shrugged after she finished her sentence, as if it wasn’t a big deal-but all I could feel was a resounding ache in my chest, (y/n) didn’t remember me, or our past-or what she had done. And-and I didn’t know if she would ever remember me. I licked my lips, glancing down at my feet before she caught my attention again, bringing out the necklace that was hidden by her shirt.

“But,” and there it was, the necklace-the blood red gem held by silver and leather hanging from her neck, my first initial and last name carved into the side. Our eternal bond, her spell, my soul.

This was truly my (y/n).

“I do have one clue, and that’s H. Deville….” She looked up at me, biting the inside of her lip, as if unsure she should ask me something. “i-I was wondering if you knew him? or her?...them?” I couldn’t help but just stare, my tight grip on the kitchen counter about to break the marble-wishing to just-take her in my arms and hold her tight, wishing for the universe to never take her away again. Half of me expected to wake up, as if this was just a dream-that I would wake up to her missing from my life again.

But it wasn’t, she was here-my darling was here-I just had to find a way to get her memories back. “You really are her,” I whispered instead, running my hands through my hair, my bangs falling into my face “Holy shit, I thought you died.” (y/n)’s entire face lit up and she stepped towards me, our faces about a foot apart-I didn’t move, just staring into her wonderful eyes. “You know me!? You actually know me?!” she nearly squealed, and I felt awful for what I was about to do-I couldn't just-tell her I was Harrison-her beloved-her husband-for that was who I was-or who I used to be.

Everyone in the manor knew an entirely different person-and If I told her the truth-it would could break her-I didn’t know if she could handle it all right now. She only just got here-assuming H. Deville was someone other than i. “Yes, H.Deville” I nodded at her question, pointing at her necklace that meant so much more than she realized “Harrison Deville” it felt so odd to talk about myself as if Harrison was a completely different person-as if he wasn’t me. “he uh, was a close family member, my uh” quick what was he to me? What could I use that would be close enough to him so I could keep close to her? “my brother in fact”

Perfect-and if she asked-we were twins. I would apologize later if she regained her memories but for now-this story would have to do-I could only hope no-one got in her face about it because I had never had a brother-only sisters-and not even my wives knew that fact. I smiled through the pain of lying to her-watching as she took a breath and covered her smile with her hands-her eyes so full of hope and life.

Oh my beloved (y/n), if only you remembered.

“Harrison” she whispered my name so sweetly, and I wanted to cry, I hadn’t heard my name since before…all of this, since she disappeared. Oh, gods I wanted to hear it from her over and over again. I wanted to take her and run away, live as we used to, I-I wanted to love her again, as she deserved. “Is-is he here? can I see him?” she asked, looking so excited to see the name behind her necklace.

‘You’re looking at him’ I wanted to say, I wanted to tell the truth, to tell her I was her beloved, and she was mine. But I didn’t, holding the pain behind my heart and shaking my head-biting the inside of my lip as her shoulders dropped, looking so disappointed-a look I wanted to throw into an inferno. “why not?” she asked, furrowing her brows. I had already cornered myself, telling her the name of the man she had been looking for and then telling her she couldn’t see him.

I didn’t want to lie to her again, so I told her a half-truth-since he had died 900 years ago-when she disappeared. “he’s uh…” I sighed, tipping my head down “he died a long time ago, just after you disappeared” I whispered, watching as her entire demeanor dropped-looking so…disappointed, and sad-like her heart had been repaired only for it to be shattered…by me.

Oh my darling-I’m so sorry, how I wish I could tuck you away in my arms, and keep you safe, like I couldn’t 900 years ago.

“Who was I to him?” she asked, voice soft and unsure, those gleaming eyes looking into mine-eyes I had missed so much. Who was she to Harrison? Oh, darling;

She was sweet cream on a bitter day, a spring breeze in a cruel winter, a rose in a garden of thorns, the full moon in a blanket of stars, sweet rum on a snowy night, snowflakes in a sweet snowfall, songbirds on a battleground, warm blankets on a rainy night, sweet kisses through heartbreak.

My beloved, my true love-my soulmate. My savior.

“You were his beloved, his first and last true love,” I said instead, forcing away the crack in my voice as (y/n) flushed at the thought of her being someone’s beloved, I held back a smile as she bit her lip, fiddling with the necklace. “Come,” I said, holding out my hand to her “there's something I have to show you”

She tilted her head at me, then took my hand-lightning going down my spine again as I led her out of the kitchens and upstairs, taking a right at the hallway split and towards the master suites-where my room was.

And a room I had hoped to be used one day-but never thought it would be. Her room.

-end of p1-

Well-hope yall enjoyed p1~~~~ be prepared for a whole lotta angst-longing inner monologues, simpness, and Walter/harry being a sweetheart/protective asshole. More to come soon!!!

taglist! (so far, if u want to be added just ask~!)

@sessediz @reallystressedhoneybee @reallysparklychaos

[rahleeyah]

Did somebody ask for Nick Amaro punching Elliot Stabler in the face?

It's nice to be back in New York. He wishes it was under different circumstances - Christ does he wish - but he missed the city. LA isn't the same. Zara's there, and Gil's in San Diego, and they have both grown so much in the last five years and he wouldn't have missed that for anything, but he does wish, sometimes, that they could have stayed at home. In New York. 

He's come to bury his mother and clean out her apartment. Before that gets started, though, he's got some faces he wants to see. He doesn't know for sure if they'll still be there, doesn't know what he'll find, but he knows he has to look, and in his heart he believes that as long as Liv is still alive and in possession of two good legs, she'll be at SVU. That place, it's more than just a job, to her. It's a calling. She's a goddamn crusader. 

For a minute he stands looking up at the station, weighing whether or not he wants to go in. Whether or not he wants to know what's happened to Barba, and Carisi, and Fin, and Rollins. Shit. Rollins. No way is she still there, he thinks. 

He could have called. Should have called. Friends for life, he and Liv had promised each other, and they are, and they will be, but not the kind of friends who call each other and gab on the phone on Saturday afternoons. The kind of friends who'll take a bullet for each other, who'll drop everything and fly to the other side of the country after five years of no contact, if that's what they need. But not Facebook friends. It's just not in their DNA. They're bound by blood now; they don't need a phone call. 

So he takes a deep breath and walks into the station, gets on the elevator behind some asshole in a flashy suit like the kind Barba used to wear, and the guy is talking on his phone but he's pressed the button for SVU so Nick can't escape him, just has to stand there and listen. 

"I'm not asking, I'm telling," the guy says. "why? 'Cause I'm your father, that's why." 

The guy's tone and the words coming out of his mouth remind Nick forcefully of his own father, and that makes him hate this man he doesn't even know. The door slides open and Nick goes to step out but the guy must not have registered he's there; the guy almost steps on him on his way out of the elevator and doesn't even apologize, just hangs up his phone and goes heading towards SVU and Nick is once again following him. His knee never healed right and Nick isn't as quick as he used to be, and the guy gets further and further ahead of him. 

"She here?" The guy calls to a young female detective sitting at one of the desks. The squad room looks completely different, now, and for a second Nick feels like all the breath has just been knocked out of him. The girl says yeah, go on back, and the suit heads for Liv's office. Must be the ADA, Nick thinks. And shit, this is weird. It's like walking into his childhood home and seeing another family living there. It's like finding out there's no such thing as home, really. Like whatever home is, one day you stop belonging there. 

"Help you?" The girl calls to him. 

"Yeah," he says. It's too late to pretend he's not here. There's no sign of Rollins, or Fin, or Liv, but he's gonna do what he came here to do. 

"Is Benson around?"

The girl gives him an appraising look.

"Who's asking?"

Before he can answer, a voice is calling out behind him. 

"Nick?"

He turns, and there she is. Amanda Rollins. Still blonde, still beautiful, and shit, Carisi is standing right beside her. 

"Amanda," he says, and in the next second she's running at him, flinging her arms around him. They hit so hard he could have picked her clean up and spun her around, if it weren't for his bad knee. As it is he nearly goes flying, but he catches himself, and holds on to her tight. He's missed her, more than he wants to admit. 

"Oh, my God," she says as she pulls back. "It's so good to see you. You look good."

"Yeah," he says. "So do you." 

And she does, and he wishes that didn't hurt. 

"Carisi," he says next, and holds his hand out for a shake. Carisi’s hair has gone grey, and his suit is too flash for a cop, but he’s still Carisi, and he bats Nick’s hand away, and pulls him in for a hug.

“If we’d known you were coming we’d have gotten a cake or something,” Carisi says as they part.

“I wasn’t sure you guys would even still be here,” Nick tells them. “Kinda wanted it to be a surprise. Is Liv around?” 

As if in answer to his question the door to the Captain’s office opens behind them, and she comes walking out, with the suit hot on her heels. 

She stops dead in her tracks when she sees him, and shit, he just about stops breathing. That woman; she’s like a sister to him. Better than a sister; he trusts her more than his own blood. A thousand memories flash through his mind. The angry Liv he’d first met, calling him Serpico and looking at him like she was certain he wouldn’t last a week. Remember when you asked me about my father, and I told you it was a long story? It’s not that long. Standing beside her on the porch at the beach house, her clothes ripped and burned, her body bruised, her eyes wild. Liv’s eyes in the rearview mirror, Lewis’s blood sprayed across her face. Liv’s hands on him, while the EMTs wheeled him away after Johnny D shot him. Friends for life, Nick Amaro. 

Her hair is longer, and her face is more lined, but she’s still so goddamn gorgeous. She covers her heart with her hand, and he grins, and they both start to move, then, not running, but walking straight towards each other, determined, no one else in the world but them, in that moment, and the next thing he knows he’s got his arms wrapped around her, and she’s holding him so tight it almost hurts.

“Nick,” she whispers his name shakily, and he laughs, because he can tell she’s about to cry and shit he is, too. 

“Good to see ya, Liv,” he manages to choke out, and when he pulls back she reaches up and touches his face, her dark eyes searching his. She doesn’t have to say it; he knows she’s wondering if he’s ok, and he hopes she finds the answer in his face. Truth is, he’s doing better now than he was five years ago. Better than ten years ago. He’s settled. He’s happy. He hopes she is, too. 

“You gonna introduce me to your friend?”

This from the suit. The sound of his voice shatters the moment, and Liv pulls away, and Nick is thinking he really, really hates this guy. This guy with his easy arrogance, this guy whose voice, whose posture, whose belligerent expression reveals a possessiveness towards Liv that Nick doesn’t like, not one bit. Liv laughs and steps back from him but Nick keeps his hand resting at the small of her back. There’s a petulant part of his heart that wants this guy, whoever he is, to see Nick touching her. To know that he’s allowed to, that she’ll let him, that whatever problem the suit may have Liv cares about Nick. 

“Yeah,” Liv says, and a little bit of Nick’s anger fades, because she sounds happy. 

“This is Nick Amaro, my old partner.” He can hear the grin in her voice. “Nick, this is Elliot Stabler.”

It’s not something he can control. It comes over him so suddenly, so viciously; he always thought that when people talking about seeing red they were just exaggerating. He always thought people had more control over themselves than that. But Liv says that name, and damn if he doesn’t see red.

“Elliot Stabler?” he says. 

“Yeah,” Stabler answers, taking a step forward, and maybe he’s about to ask Nick if he’s got a problem with that, but he never gets the chance.

Stabler. The one who left her. The one who was the reason she was so standoffish, with Nick. The reason she was so angry all the damn time, walking around nursing a broken heart and letting it get her into trouble. The one with the anger issues and the dinged up service record that nearly derailed her whole career. The one with the wife at home, while Liv was half in love with him - Nick isn’t supposed to know that part, but he does. And anybody who could do that to Liv, who could hurt her so bad, treat her like she was second class, disposable, anybody who could stand there and act like he had a right to be by her side after all the shit he put her through, anybody like that, they’re gonna get what’s coming to them, courtesy of Nick Amaro. It’s been ten years since Stabler walked out on her, but however he came back, whatever the reason is for him standing here right now, Nick doesn’t give a single shit. He knows Liv and he knows she would never tell this guy just how bad he hurt her, just how much she lost when he left, knows she’s got a good heart and she’ll forgive the people she loves. She won’t hold this asshole accountable.

Nick, on the other hand, has no qualms about it. 

“Ok,” Nick says, and then before anyone can so much as take a breath, he hauls off and punches that smug son of a bitch right in the mouth, as hard as he can. And shit, but it feels good. 

[minnesotadruids]

Do you use any other 🥝 rms of social media? Just wondering how long you have been on Tumblr and if this is your primary choice for social media, why? What does Tumblr give you that other places do not?

Short answer: For me, Tumblr seems to be the platform that is the least inconvenient. 

All social media sites seem to have some sort of baggage, particularly in the way each one handles its own policies for sure, but also in a number of different aspects as well. Facebook: Oakdale Grove has a Page [here] where I post photos and ritual event listings. Despite Facebook being a bustling megalopolis, my page doesn’t see that much traffic. In fact as of today it has 620 follows since 2012. I really dislike the feature of “invite John Doe to like your page,” it’s just smarmy. Facebook buries or removes all the best features to the point that I just post less and less so that I don’t have to deal with the hassle. I lost a lot of trust in Facebook in the 2014 News Feed Experiment, and I decreased my activity there in general thereafter. I also deleted the Facebook and Messenger apps from my phone because of feature creep and my custom settings getting reset with each update.

Instagram: I’ve never wanted an Instagram page. Pretty much all social media sites compress uploaded image files to take up less server space, but Instagram seems to downscale photos the most aggressively. Aside from that it’s really just not my thing. Every now and then I consider just signing up and getting started, but whenever I do, someone somewhere on the internet is griping about what they hate about Instagram, and it's always something different. It just reminds me of why I don't want to go near it.

Pinterest: Is Pinterest even a social media platform? It either needs to just go away or at least not be indexed by search engines. Do a search for "why I hate Pinterest" and the millions of search results are pretty much how I feel about the site. It’s basically imagery that lacks meaningful context.

Twitter: Microblogging is fun and effective for very short bits of information without being in your face (like TikTok). Among social media platforms, this is where I have my smallest following. Nevertheless, some people have found Oakdale Grove through this platform alone, so I keep using it.

Google Plus: Well it’s dead and gone, but it never was a social media powerhouse. I had a Plus page on druidry but pretty much abandoned it in under a year.

YouTube: This was once quite a social media haven. It was never perfect, but YouTube has fallen from grace repeatedly. Until 2011 or so, you could add users as friends, messaging was also easier then, and you also once had the power to delete subscribers that you didn’t want, including dead accounts. These days you can only block users you don’t like, but they can still subscribe to you. There’s also the latest YouTube policy enforcement fiasco which demonstrates that they are permitting hate speech to continue. I have several videos partially edited, but have just no drive to complete them.

TikTok: OMG this is a plague upon us all! I have friends who try to send me TikTok videos. Half of the time the thumbnail does not match up with the video that actually starts playing. And for some reason TikTok seems universally loud. It's social media ADHD on meth. As far as I can tell there is no way to mute videos, and no playback control other than pause. If a video doesn't loop, it loads and plays the next one, and I just want to take some ibuprofen for it. I managed to block TikTok in my computer's web browser and deleted the app from my phone months ago, so I can live in peace until someone starts streaming it in public. To be honest, I was really looking forward to the failed TikTok ban a few years ago.

Tumblr:

Overall, I really like the things you can do on the site. That said, Tumblr really shot themselves in the foot in December 2018. Tumblr had ample opportunity to purge just the porn bots, Nazis, and pedophiles, yet they haphazardly went after the whole NSFW community. A lot of regular Tumblr users left in protest after that, too. I’m still getting followed, liked, and reblogged by porn bots, and I have them to thank for reaching 1600 followers over the past few months. Bots aside, ultimately I feel that I do get a better response here than on other platforms.

As it pertains to Druidry, I created my blog on Tumblr in 2015 because of the lack of representation of druidry. The Witchblr community is huge here in my opinion, but there is far more gaming content in terms of the search tag Druid. The search results churn up almost exclusively role playing content such as D&D, World of Warcraft, and related fan art. That’s nice for the gaming community, but they have a disproportionate monopoly of content under the #Druid tag. Druidry and Druidism yield more relevant search results in terms of spirituality and paganism, but spiritual druidry is still not that well represented here. We are a fraction of a fraction.

Tumblr is also most popular among Millennials and Generation Z. The demographics of druidry are shifting, but I’ve heard (by hearsay) that most people tend to find druidry in their 40s or later, and that many of them didn’t even know it existed beforehand. As a mostly typical Millennial myself, and as someone who dove into druidry back at age 20, Tumblr seemed like a good place to set up a blog where I could help other young adults discover druidry, too. There have been plenty of times where older practitioners of druidry have said “I wish I would have found druidism sooner” or something to that effect. 

So that’s part of why I’m here, to help others gain in Awareness, and to help them discover something potentially meaningful while they’re still in their prime.

[prowywritespd]

We Don't Talk About Bilbo

We don't talk about Bilbo, no no no

We don't talk about Bilbooooo

BUT

It was his birthday (hundred eleventh)

We were getting ready and there wasn't a dent in pantry (no lacks allowed in pantry)

Gandalf walks in with a shit eating grin!

***Smoke rings!***

You're telling this story or am I? (I'm sorry my Took, go oooon)

Gandalf said "Have fireworks" (why did he tell uuus)

Two hobbits took themselves some (Merry and Pippiiin, noooo)

Ended with a dragon bomb! (what a joyous sight, but anyway)

We don't talk about Bilbo, no no no

We don't talk about Bilbooooo

Hey

Grew to live in fear of Gandalf writing things on my door

Tried to go to bed and then my house was filled with 12 dwarves

I associate them with the sound of washing pans

Sh, sh, sh

Its a heavy ask when my pantrys empty

Then Gandalf said "do you wanna come with me?

Gonna kill a dragon and then steal all of his gold

Bilbo, are you sold?

100 FOOT FRAME, Spikes all on his back

When he breathes his flame, it all chars to black.

Yeah he sits on hoards and feasts on the dwarves

We don’t talk about Bilbo, no no no.

We don’t talk about Bilbooooo.

Elves told me that Smaug would die, the next day DEAD

(noo no)

They told me I'd grow a gut if I ate just bread!

They said that all my food would disappear, now - empty storerooms

YOUR FATE IS SEALED IF BY DWARVES YOU'RE VISITEEEED

Bil-bo told me about those three trolls

That they nearly ate him while aliiive

He told me that his life would been gone

If not for the beautiful sun

(hobbit, what's this in your pocket?)

He told me that crystal of my dreams

Would be just out of reach

Buried under dragooon

It's like I see it now

Bilbo

I want you to not disappear

(I can see it now)

Umm, Bilbo

Yeah, about that Bilbo

I really need to know about Bilbo

Give me the truth, and the whole truth Bilboo

(Brandybucks, look, the Gandalf's here)

TIME FOR DINNER

✨ E V E R Y O N E ✨

Don't talk about Bilbo!

(Why did I talk about Bilbo)

Not a word about Bilbo!

(I NEVER SHOULD-A BROUGHT UP BILBO!)

💥

Copypasted from:

(Dolores part - Alannah Jennifer )

(Camillo part - Allyn Hackman and Genevieve Fontaine )

(Pezmuerta - Eithne Williams )

(The rest - myself)

I hope you don't mind me completing this using your amazing parts 💚

Seriously. This makes me laughed hard when I saw this on Facebook😆😆😆

[anna-justice]

26 Kisses - Upstead

Summary: Twenty-Six times Jay and Hailey kissed for the first time. (Ft. lots of characters finding them in compromising positions...)

Warnings: fluff, angst, several declarations of love…(it’s also like 10,000 words, sorry lol)

Requested: No

…

A - Accident

Jay sat next to Hailey on a barstool at Molly’s, they were near the back with his brother and Kevin, who were engrossed in their own conversation. Every so often Hailey would laugh at something one of them said and completely capture Jay’s attention. 

Hailey snuck glances at her partner as she sipped her beer, he looked more handsome than normal and Hailey was convinced that it was his carefree attitude. And the fact that he was in a situation to constantly harass his brother. 

“Right Hailey?” Kevin asked from across the table, pulling her out of her trance.

Hailey’s head snapped from Jay to him, “Hmm?” 

Kevin laughed, “I told Will that Jay never sits at his own desk, he’s always at yours. I was asking for confirmation.” 

Hailey smirked as Will laughed, “Oh yeah, always.” 

Jay rolled his eyes, leaning down to whisper something along the lines of “you like it” to Hailey, but at the exact same time, she turned her head to look at him, causing their lips to meet for just a moment. Both jumped back in surprise. Will and Kevin looked at each other and then at the pretty much couple, fighting the urge to burst out laughing. 

Jay searched Hailey’s face for any look or regret, finding none, he leaned down and captured her lips with his. “Woah,” Kevin said, dragging out the middle while Will covered his mouth in surprise. Hailey wrapped her arms around his neck, completely forgetting that their friends were sitting right next to them. 

When the two finally pulled away, Hailey blushed, seeing several peoples eyes on her. Jay hopped off his stool, pulling Hailey with him. “We’re getting out of here.” He said, throwing a twenty on the table. 

Will smirked and waved at the pair, “Bye bye, baby brother.”

B - Bears

“Wooooooo!” Adam screamed, jumping out of his chair. The Bears had just scored another touchdown against the Saints and were ahead by 6. The whole unit was there, Intelligence had worked a case involving one of the owner’s families and had been given endzone tickets for the upcoming game. 

That’s how Hailey ended up sandwiched between Jay and Vanessa in the second quarter of the game. Now, Hailey loved Chicago and their sports teams just as much as the next girl, but her partner was some sort of psycho. Everytime one of their players was holding the ball, Jay would look over at her, grinning wide. Inversely, if the referee was anywhere close to defending the other team, the strew of curse words was never ending. 

Before she knew it, it was halftime and the screens were playing those corny Dr. Pepper commercials. Hailey pulled out her phone, checking her email and then scrolling through facebook. Suddenly there was a scream beside her and the crowd erupted, Hailey jumped out of her skin, looking at Vanessa. “What’s wrong.” Hailey was surprised to find her best friend grinning ear to ear. 

“Look.” She said, gesturing to the jumbo-trons. Hailey raised to gaze to the massive screams and felt her heart stop. There was a giant heart around her and Jay, with the words Kiss Cam above it. The yelling around her got louder, meaning the rest of the unit was now aware of her predicament. 

Jay cleared his throat beside her, smirking as she looked at him with wide eyes. He pointed to the screens, “Come on Hailey, the fans want it.” 

“Jay-” Before she could say no, his lips were on hers. Hailey’s brain literally stopped working and all the screaming fans around them just faded away. Jay’s hand was resting on her cheek and she grabbed his shoulder to pull him closer. The hoots and hollers started and Hailey blushed, only then remembering that they were in an arena with a hundred thousand other people, including their unit…

Everyone around them was laughing, along with Jay whose eyes never left hers, “I think it’s safe to say that we all want to be invited to that wedding.” The announcer says and Jay smirks, ignoring all of the screaming around him and attaching his lips to Hailey’s again. 

C - Coffee

Hailey rubbed her eyes as she leaned over the pot of black liquid, she was on her fifth, maybe sixth cup of the day and at this point she was wondering if it was even doing anything. She absentmindedly poured it into a large mug, not even bothering to add any cream or sugar, it was going to taste terrible either way. She turned around to head back to her desk, but instead she collided with a wall. 

“Woah.” Just kidding, it was Jay. He jumped back as the mug hit the floor, the contents of it all over Jay’s shirt. The glass shattered and flew everywhere, causing tears to well up in Hailey’s eyes. She was exhausted and every time she moved she made more work for herself. 

Hailey sniffled, “I’m so sorry Jay.” She said, grabbing a paper towel off the counter behind her, she pressed it to his stomach, attempting to ignore his rock hard abdomen under the thin material of the shirt. 

Jay fought the urge to chuckle, as sweet as it was for Hailey to try and clean him up, he was drenched and her one paper towel was doing nothing. “Hailey, it’s fine.” He said smiling. 

Hailey looked up at him and smiled, “Really?” She was a mess, she hadn’t slept for more for a few hours in days and it was getting to her. Her brain felt like absolute mush. 

“Yeah, of course…” Jay said cautiously, eyeing his partner. She looked like a zombie, a beautiful zombie, but a zombie nonetheless. “Hailey, maybe you should go home.” He said, they were the only two left besides Voight, who had been locked in his office for hours. 

“I can’t, I haven’t had time to do any paperwork in days.” She sighed, leaning against the counter. “I’m so behind.” 

Jay took a step forward, placing his hand on her shoulder. “Leave your files on my desk and I will finish up your paperwork.”

Hailey felt her eyes well up again, “Jay, no, you hate paperwork.”

Jay just shrugged and gave her a small smile, “You need sleep Hailey, I’d have to redo it anyway.” Hailey rolled her eyes at his comment, of course Jay could make fun of her at any moment. 

“Thank you.” Hailey said, reaching up and wrapping her arms around his neck. At first, Jay was shocked, tensing under her touch, but eventually he relaxed, reveling in how it felt to have Hailey’s face buried in his neck. Hailey breathed in heavily, she didn’t want to move, but she knew if she didn’t there was a very high chance she would fall asleep right then and there. 

Hailey pulled away, stopping to look up at him. Jay’s gaze dropped to her lips before finding her eyes again, he leaned end slowly, gently capturing her lips with his. It was slow and sweet and completely innocent, but it was perfect. Hailey pulled away, letting her eyes linger closed. She bit her lip, feeling her cheeks heat up. Jay reached out and brushed a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear, “Call me when you get home, okay?” 

Hailey nodded, walking towards the door. She turned to face him with a bright smile on her face. “Goodnight Jay.”

“Goodnight Hailey.”

D - Drunk

Hailey leaned against her kitchen counter, she was pretty gone and wasn’t stopping anytime soon. It had been a tough few days, the case involving way too many dead kids. She was so upset that when she got home she didn’t even bother to wait for Jay and the six pack he promised. She went straight for the whiskey.

The doorbell rang and Hailey shuffled to it, revealing a very sexy man on the other side. Hailey leaned against the door, smiling a lot more flirty than usual. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Jay said cautiously, he had never seen Hailey like this before, she was usually able to hold her liquor. He dropped the six pack on the counter and slipped onto one of the stools underneath the island. “You been drinking without me?” 

Hailey smirked, bringing her hand up to show a tiny amount, “A little bit.” 

“Sure,” Jay said, laughing. 

Hailey sat on the stool next to him, her inhibitions nowhere to be found. All she could think about was the man standing in front of her, whose biceps were practically bursting out of his grey v-neck. Hailey reached out and traced the end of the sleeve, not noticing the goosebumps that appeared on his skin. “You should wear these more often.” Hailey said.

This time it was Jay’s turn to smirk, “Really?” He asked, “You like?” Hailey nodded confidently and Jay chuckled, “Good to know.”

Hailey sighed, setting her head on her hand on the counter. “I like you, Jay.” She said.

Jay sucked in a breath, staring at his very intoxicated partner. He couldn’t believe the words he was hearing. “I like you too, Hailey.” Hailey wasted no time launching herself into his arms, pressing her lips to his. Much to her dismay, Jay pulled away. He reached out and brushed a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. “Not right now, Hailes. I want you to remember this.” Hailey nodded, sighing as he pressed his lips to her forehead. “Let’s get you to bed.”

E - Everyday

“Hailey!” Jay shouted, following his partner into the locker room. 

Hailey spun around, glaring at her partner. “What?” She spit.

“What is wrong with you?” He asked.

Hailey laughed dryly. “What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you?” Jay stood there dumbfounded and it only made Hailey more angry. Hailey’s jaw dropped, she couldn’t find the words to express how she felt. “Jay! You literally just jumped in front of a moving car!”

“You were the one standing in front of a moving car!” Jay yelled back.

Hailey huffed, “This isn’t about me!” 

“This is all about you, I shoved you out of the way.” Jay snapped, “And you are the one making a big deal of it!” 

“I never asked you to save me, Jay!” Hailey growled, running her hands through her hair. “You put yourself in harm's way everyday, do not put that on me!”

Jay scoffed, “You didn’t have to ask me, Hailey, I will always save you.” He said, rushing forward. 

Hailey took a step forward, leaving very little space between them, “Well stop.”

“No.” Jay said, standing his ground. Hailey wants to be furious, she has to watch him be reckless with his own life everyday, but the thought that it was all for her was making her knees weak. Jay stared her down, his nostrils flaring. “I’m gonna kiss you.”

“Good.” That was all it took to send his lips crashing into hers, Jay’s arms wrapped around Hailey’s waist to keep her standing, the force of him knocking her off her balance. Hailey wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him even closer. She was going into overdrive, the feeling of his lips on hers was all consuming. Hailey leans back, catching her breath as Jay presses his forehead against hers. “I think we should do that again.”

“Oh definitely.”

F - Flannel 

Their thing that works always works. That’s why it works. Each of them can wake up the next morning and be able to do their job, leaving the baggage in the trash with the bottle. But today, the thing that works was not working in Hailey’s favor.

Hailey woke up with a groan, immediately blinded by the light shining from the window.It was disorienting to say the least, she had blackout curtains in her bedroom, so there shouldn’t be light. It took her until she was sitting up to notice that she wasn’t in her bedroom, she was in a living room. And not just anyone’s living room, he was in Jay Halstead’s living room. She looked around, getting a grip on her surroundings when her eyes fell on a passed out Jay at the other end of the couch. She smiled to herself, he looked peaceful to say the least, mouth slightly open and his usual worried face was relaxed.

She picked her phone up off the table, almost dropping it when she saw the time. “No, no.” She said frantically, hitting Jay’s leg. “Jay get up, we’re late.” She ran around the small apartment gathering her things.

“What?” Jay asked, waking with a start. 

Hailey turned to him, “It’s 7:30, we are so late.”

“Shit.” Jay said jumping up. He ran to his room throwing on new clothes and brushing his teeth. He tosses a flannel at Hailey when he enters the room, she gives him a look. “Hailey, you can’t show up late in yesterday’s clothes.”

Hailey nods at him, “Yeah, thanks,” before speed walking past him and into his bedroom to change. The button up shirt was way too big, but Hailey tucked in the bottom and rolled up the sleeves, hoping that it wouldn’t be too obvious that it was Jay’s.

Jay waited patiently by the door with two cups of coffee, but he almost dropped them when he saw her. Hailey always looked breathtaking, but even more so in his clothes. “Ready?” He asked, and with a silent nod the two bid goodbye and headed to the district in separate cars.

Twenty minutes later, Kim sat at her desk watching the clock. It was almost eight and Jay and Hailey were still MIA, which wasn’t normal for either of them. She was just about to call Jay when he came bounding up the stairs to the bullpen. He went straight for his desk. Not five minutes later, Hailey walked up the steps, giving Kim a kind smile as she walked by.

Kim returned it, obviously, but she couldn’t help but notice that Hailey’s shirt was way too big for her and that she had definitely seen it before...on a certain detective in their uit. A lightbulb went off in her brain and she had to hide her expression. Jay and Hailey were late together. It finally happened. 

Kim jumped up, “Jay, can I borrow you for a second?”

“Yeah,” Jay replied, following her into an interrogation room. “What’s up?”

“Hailey Upton is wearing your shirt.” She said.

“Ki-”

“Finally! My God, what took you so long? We’ve been watching the two of you make puppy dog eyes at each other for years? I’m so happy for you guys, Jay you are so lucky, she is so into you.” Kim rushed out, a big smile on her face.

Jay stood there in shock, “Kim, nothing happened.”

Kim scoffed, “Sure.”

“No. Nothing happened, she fell asleep on my couch last night.” The smile on Kim’s face fell and she turned read.

“Shit.” She mumbled, “Forget all of this.”

Jay made his way back to his desk, but the only thing he could think about was Kim’s words. Could Hailey really be into him? After a whole day of not being able to focus, Jay followed Hailey into the locker room, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Do you have a different shirt?” He asked, as soon as they were out of sight.

Hailey turned slowly, “Um, I can ask Kim for one. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll give it back-”

“No. Shit. Hailes, I’m sorry.” He said, rubbing his forehead. “I just, I just haven’t been able to think straight all day.” Hailey felt her breath catch in her throat at his confession, he took a step forward, watching her closely. “You, in my shirt, my mind is mush.”

Hailey thought her mind was mush, Jay had never been so direct with her before and she had to admit, she liked it. “Jay-”

“Can I please, please kiss you?”

“You better.” That was all it took for Jay to pounce, Hailey’s back hitting the locker behind her as his mouth molded into hers. Her hands found his hair as he began to drag his lips across her jawline, finding the spot right behind her ear. Hailey fought the urge to moan, trying to remember that their teammates were just down the hall. Hailey grabbed his face and guided his lips back to hers, kissing him passionately.

They broke apart when they heard a shriek behind them, “Dammit Halstead, I knew you were full of shit!” Kim yelled, pointing at them, causing both of them to laugh. Kim backed away angrily before throwing a wink over her shoulder at Hailey. Hailey smirked, before attaching her lips to Jay’s once again.

G - Girl’s Night

Hailey sat on her couch with Vanessa and Kim, it had been a long week and the girls decided that they needed a night of wine and romcoms. They were two bottles deep and a movie and a half in, and as soon as the sad music starts, Hailey regrets choosing A Walk to Remember. 10 minutes ago she thought she needed a good cry and a break from happy endings, she changed her mind.

“What?” Vanessa screams, standing up. “No.” She chucks a piece of pizza at the screen as Hailey and Kim laugh, they forgot that Vanessa had never seen this movie. Vanessa collapses back down on the couch and looks to Hailey, eyes filled with tears. “She has cancer?”

Hailey frowns, wiping tears of her own, “Aww sweetie, come here.” Vanessa tucks herself into Hailey’s side as a blubury Kim joins them. The three (normally very intimidating women) turned their direction back to the TV and watch Jamie run away from Landon.

As the movie goes on, Vanessa only cries harder, along with Hailey and Kim, who are surprised to find that no matter how many times they watch the movie, they will still sob the entire time. They make it to the part when Landon is about to propose, but before he can get the words out, the doorbell rings. Hailey jumps up and pauses the TV, wiping under her eyes and grabbing the third empty bottle. “I’ll get it.”

The door swings open to reveal Jay. “Hailey I-Holy shit, what's wrong?” He asks, taking in her appearance. He places his hands on her shoulders, searching for any sign of injury.

Hailey shakes her head and sniffles, “Nothing. Just a really sad movie.” She says, dragging out the y. “What are you doing here?” Hailey asks, looking over his shoulder to see Adam and Kevin standing by a car she doesn’t recognize.

“Um, well. I lost a bet and now I have to do something.” Jay explained, shifting nervously.

Hailey gave him a bored look, “Do what?” Before she could ask again, he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, she could taste the alcohol on him and she knew that her nose was probably running, but she didn’t care. As soon as it happens, it’s over and Jay backs away slowly.

“I-I’ll see you tomorrow Hailes.” He says, tripping over her front step in his attempt to look all cool and stoic. Hailey giggles, touching her fingers to her still tingling lips.

As soon as she shuts the door she turns back to Vanessa and Kim who were most definitely watching them from the couch. Hailey grins and all three girls begin to scream, jumping up and down together in her kitchen. Out of breath, Hailey talks over the excitement, “Okay, I’m done with this depressing movie. We’re watching Say Yes to the Dress.”

H - Halloween

Jay sat on a barstool at Molly’s, it was packed with first responders, all of them dressed in various costumes. It was October 31st and Jay was dressed as a baseball player, against his will he might add, Adam and Kevin had convinced him to do a group costume. Kevin was a football player and Adam was wearing a way too detailed hockey uniform.

He was one beer down and waiting for a certain blonde to have any more, when Hailey was around he had to pace himself. The ringing of the bell above the door captured Jay’s attention, when he saw who walked in, his jaw dropped to the floor. It was Kim, Vanessa and Hailey, but he missed the first two girls completely. All he could see was Hailey.

She was wearing a tight, black skirt and a long sleeve, black crop top. Her blonde hair was falling over her shoulders in perfect waves and Jay was pretty sure there was glitter on her face, something that he never thought he would see. He fought hard to keep his eyes in a strictly professional place, but they wandered down her frame and were glued to the thigh holster on her right leg. Damn. He shifted in his seat, regretting how tight his pants were.

Hailey’s gaze met his and she smiled, immediately making her way to him. “Hey.” She said as she reached the bar.

Jay grinned, choking out a, “Hi.”

Hailey laughed, looking him up and down. “Nice costume.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” Jay smirked, causing Hailey to blush.

Hailey felt her cheeks heat up, she looked down at her skimpy skirt and then over to her friends who she was matching, her smile returning. “It was V and Kim’s idea, Charlie’s Angels.” Hailey posed against the bar, then did a quick spin. She was beginning to enjoy the nervous look on her partners face.

Jay swallowed hard as Hailey spun in front of him, she looked drop dead gorgeous and he was very thankful that he had only had one beer. Tipsy Jay would not be able to hold his tongue right now. He looked her up and down once again, this time making it way more obvious. “I like it.”

The next few hours went by impossibly slow, and Jay spent the majority of the time watching Hailey from across the room. He had a few more beers and it was safe to say that his flirt game was strong. He was making Hailey laugh that he never had before and if he had a dollar for everytime she had playfully touched his arm, he could get them a hotel room at the Ritz Carlton for the night.

It was almost midnight when Jay made his way across the crowded bar to where Haily was sitting with Kevin and Vanessa. He stood behind her, earning a few smirks and some wiggling eyebrows from their friends. He placed his hand on her waist and she sucked in a breath. He lowered his lips to her ear, “You wanna get out of here?”

Hailey’s head swung around, nodding before jumping off the barstool, grabbing his hand and practically running out of Molly’s. Jay laughed as they were met with the crisp air, before he could even register what was happening, his back hit the cold brick wall and Hailey’s lips were on his. He grabbed onto her waist, pulling her impossibly closer. Hailey pressed her hands against his chest as she pushed further into him. Jay lowered his hands to rest on her hips “Jump.” He whispered before Hailey obliged. He wasted no time before spinning them around and pinning her to the wall. Jay trailed kisses down her neck, causing Hailey to throw her head against the wall.

The bell rang and Adam came waltzing out along with Kim, the two of them screaming at the sight just outside the bar. “Holy shit guys, get a room.” Kim said, covering her eyes.

Hailey and Jay untangled themselves to face their friends, “Took you long enough Halstead.” Adam winked, before pulling Kim away.

The two laughed before Jay pushed Hailey against the wall once again, smirking. “Where were we?”

I - I’d Follow You

Hailey moved around tirelessly, huffing at yet another failure to break free. “Hailey, breathe.” Jay said from beside her. Hailey rolled her eyes, struggling against the restraints once again. The irony was unreal, the two of them were chained up by their own handcuffs.

“Jay, don’t.” Hailey said, finally giving up and slumping into the cold ground. The two sat in silence for a while, listening for anything to give them a clue of where they were. Hailey thought back to how they even got into this situation. She was following a lead, following her gut more than anything and she had dragged Jay along. Now they were trapped in a basement, perfect. “I’m sorry.” Hailey said softly, they weren’t sure how much danger they were actually in, but if something happened to him, she would never forgive herself.

Jay sighed, smiling softly at his partner, “You have nothing to be sorry for, we’ll be fine. I’m sure the team is already looking for us.”

Hailey nodded, his words doing little to comfort her. She blinked back the tears in her eyes, she had been in this situation with Kim before and it almost ended badly, she couldn’t bear to lose Jay. “I shouldn’t have brought you.” She said.

“Hailey.” He said, wishing he could reach out and touch her. “You know I’d follow you anywhere. Stop blaming yourself.” Jay searched Hailey’s face for any sense of understanding, but she looked just as guilty as she did before.

“I know, we just have to get out of here.” She said, she was still recovering from his earlier statement. He had used her own words against her and she would be lying if she said it wasn’t working.

Jay nodded, “We will.” He stared into her eyes, slowly leaning in. Hailey didn’t know what possessed her, but she met him in the middle and pressed her lips to his. They scooted closer to each other, both very aware that their hands were out of play. Hailey leaned into his chest for balance, deepening the kiss.

Suddenly the door popped open, causing the two to break away from each other, but they stayed touching chests. “You guys good?” Adam called out.

Kevin approached from behind him, shining a flashlight on the two. He smirked, “Yeah, I think they’re good.”

J - Jealous

Jay knew it was irrational, he knew it was stupid. So much had changed but still, the sight of Hailey and Adam made him want to vomit. She was laughing in her loud and beautiful, belly laugh. Hand on his shoulder, hunched over into his bubble. Adam wasn’t much better, he was grinning at her as they continued on in their apparently hilarious conversation.

Jay took an angry sip of his beer, if he held the bottle any tighter it would probably break. He hated feeling like this, after all, he had no claim to Hailey. She was free to do whatever, or whoever, she wanted. Besides, his pouting was a mute point. Hailey had assured him that she and Adam were through, not to mention Kim was pregnant with his baby. He was just being psychotic, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

He felt like his brain had transported itself back to the year before, to the night that Adam showed up at Hailey’s and he was so worried that he would think something of it. Really, he should have been worried that he didn’t. It was like the universe was against him and it was using Adam as a weapon.

Hailey looked up from her conversation and noticed a sollem looking Jay across the bar, she bid goodbye to Adam and booked it to her partner. He had moody Jay written all over him. “Hey, what’s up?” She asked, sliding onto the stool next to him.

“Nothing.” He said in a biting tone, glancing at her. He immediately softened when he saw a wave of hurt wash over her face. “I-I’m sorry. I’m just in a mood. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

Hailey nodded cautiously, Jay never intentionally hurt her feelings, but even if he did, he wasn’t great at apologies. “You okay?”

He took another swig of his beer, setting it down loudly. “I don’t know.” He said. Jay was pretty shocked at his own words, he was about as open as a bank vault, but tonight he didn’t have the energy to play tough guy. Honestly, he was feeling a little defeated (and sorry for himself).

“You wanna talk? My ‘reserved for Jay’ glass is clean.” She joked, offering him a small smile. They walked out together, Jay opting to ride with Hailey. Which happened once in a blue moon. Hailey fought the urge to check and see if he had a fever, not only was he letting her drive, but he was leaving his truck, his baby, in Molly's parking lot.

The drive was short and the pair raced up Hailey’s steps to escape the winter chill. Vanessa was undercover, so they had the place to themselves. Hailey immediately pulled out a bottle of whiskey, her partner looked like he needed it. She poured them each a glass and then leaned on the counter across from him. Before she can say anything, Jay word vomits across the counter. “Is there something going on between you and Adam?”

Hailey almost chokes on her whiskey. “Jay, are you serious? You know-”

“I need you to say it Hailey.” He says, standing and looking her in the eye. “I need you to say it.”

“There is absolutely nothing going on with me and Ruzek, we are just good friends.” Jay visibly relaxes and his reaction is not lost on Hailey.

Jay moves around the island to her. “I’m sorry,” there he goes again, “That wasn’t my place. It’s just, I don’t want you to be with him. I can’t stand the thought of you ever being with him.”

“Jay-”

“I’m not good at this Hailes, I know. I’m making a complete ass out of myself-” Hailey launches herself forward and cuts him off with a kiss, Jay catching her easily despite the shock. His eyebrows furrow as he runs his hands down her figure, only to wrap his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him. Soon they both come up for air and Jay beams. “I’m better than Ruzek, aren’t I?” He asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

Hailey smacks his chest before tucking herself into it, “Shut up.”

K - Kiss Me Slowly

Jay stared at Hailey across the patio, it was open mic night at Molly’s and the world had cursed him the guitarist after guitarist playing love song after love song. Of course, every stupid song made him think of her.

The next guy was up and a familiar parachute song started playing, Jay wanted the groan. His heart was racing as he watched Hailey make her way towards him, her blonde hair bouncing as she walked. “Hey stranger.” She said as she approached him.

“Hey.” He smiled.

Hailey motioned to the makeshift stage, “Some of these guys are pretty good.”

“Yeah.”

I can see you there in the city lights.

Jay watched how the glow from the fairy lights hit her face, making her shine brighter than normal.

14th floor, pale blue eyes, I can breathe you in.

He really could, it was like she was her oxygen and he was suffocating without her.

Two shadows standing by the bedroom door, no I could not want you more than I did right then.

He wanted her so bad, in every way possible. “Hailey?”

“Hmm?” She hummed, turning her attention back to him.

“Dance with me.” He said, standing and almost surprising himself. Hailey watched him cautiously, thinking that it was some cruel joke, but took his hand when his stature didn’t falter. He led them to a space near the fence, placing his hands on her waist and pulling her close as she gently rested her arms on his shoulders.

If this is something that you want, darling you don’t have to run. You don’t have to go.

They swayed back and forth, Hailey wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her head to his chest, she could almost swear that his heart was beating faster.

Just stay with me.

She peaked up at him, only to find him smiling down at her.

Baby, stay with me.

They locked eyes, each searching the other for any possible misunderstanding.

Well I’m not sure what this is gonna be, but with my eyes clenched all I see, is the skyline, through the window. The moon above you and the streets below.

Jay reached out and ran the pad of his thumb over Hailey’s cheek, eyes darting all over her seemingly perfect face. She looked absolutely beautiful, she was the only girl he ever noticed.

Hold my breath as we’re moving in.

Hailey swore her heart stopped, the way he was looking at her made her feel like the only girl in the world. He dipped his head and if only she could bring herself to lean in…

Taste your lips and feel your skin.

Hailey placed her hand on his cheek.

When the time comes, baby don’t run.

Jay grinned and slowly leaned down, pressing his lips gently against hers.

Just kiss me slowly.

L - Love

“What were you going to say?”

Hailey stood there frozen, her momentum was lost. Everything that told her to pour her heart out had disappeared and all she wanted to do now was get as far away from him as possible. After all, that was easier, so much easier.

“Never mind, I’m going to pull the car around.” She said.

Jay felt his heart clench, he knew exactly what she was going to say and he felt it too. He was sick of tiptoeing around it. “What were you going to say, Hailey?”

Hailey stopped dead in her tracks, she had barely even made it to the doorway. “It’s not important Jay, really. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” He groans, “Dammit Hailey, you don’t get to make me fall in love with you and then change your mind.”

“What?” Hailey asked quietly, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and by the look on his face, she wasn’t sure Jay knew what he was saying.

Jay feigned confidence, and maybe the pain meds were to blame, but there was no going back now. “I love you Hailey and I think you love me too, and if you don’t ten you should consider going undercover full time or getting an acting job because you are one hell of an actress-”

Hailey launched herself into his arms, careful not to hit his injured arm. She kissed him urgently, desperate for his touch. Jay held her close with his good arm, never wanting to let go. “I love you too.”

M - My Girlfriend

Jay held the roses tight in his hand as he made his way towards his truck, where his partner was waiting. He thought back to his statement just a few minutes earlier, “my girlfriend.” He wished.

He climbed in the truck and turned to Hailey who smirked at him. He handed her the flowers with a sigh and she grinned. “What a guy.” She teases. Jay chuckled under his breath, freezing when he felt warmth against his cheek, which he soon realized was from Hailey’s lips. Jay tensed, watching her blush in the rear view mirror.

That was the most intimate they had ever been, not that he was complaining. As surprised as he was at her actions, he shouldn’t have been. Hailey was a total badass, a badass with really soft lips. Jay turned to face her, eyes glancing from her lips to her eyes, attempting to read the room (or truck). After being confident that this was what she wanted too, Jay leaned in and captured her lips with his, arching completely over the seat.

Hailey placed her hand on the nape of his neck and played with the short hairs, pulling him even closer. Jay smiled into the kiss, pecking her one last time before pulling away. Hailey scrunched her nose and laughed, “Told you we were good together.”

N -  Never

“Oh, come on Hailey!” Jay snapped, throwing the ping pong paddle on the table.

Hailey through her hands up in the air in surrender. “What?”

“You can’t let me win one game?” He groaned, “You can’t feed my ego even just a little bit?”

“Never.” Hailey smirked, leaning against the table.

Jay swallowed hard, she looked amazing and his self control was dwindling by the minute. Hailey felt the energy shift in the room and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “Shit.” Jay mutters before stalking towards her and kissing her passionately. “Jump.” He whispered, before picking her jump. He turned so that Hailey was sitting on the ping pong table, trailing kisses down her neck. Hailey moaned, wrapping arms around his neck.

“Woah guys, other people play on that table.” Adam yelled from the doorway, putting a hand over his eyes.

Hailey laughed, pulling away and calling after him. “Yeah, but no one else wins!”

“Oh, I definitely just did.” Jay said, smiling down at her.

Hailey shook her head, “Nice try.”

O - Only Us

Jay pushed half the stuff off his desk, and then set Hailey down on it, never removing his lips from hers. Things had gotten heated quick and before he knew it he was unbuttoning Hailey’s dark green flannel and she was tugging at his own shirt. Jay pulled her hair slightly and Hailey gasped, causing him to stick his tongue in her mouth, tem fighting for dominance.

Before she knew it, Hailey’s shirt was somewhere else and her hair was pulled out of it’s normal ponytail. She was about to pull his shirt over his head when a door swung open next to them. Jay quickly pulled Hailey to his chest to cover her and the two were mortified to find Voight standing at the threshold of his door, they thought he had left.

He walked to the desk, dropped two sheets of paper down and then walked out of the bullpen. Hailey looked over her shoulder and saw that they were HR forms.

The two of them laughed hysterically, Hailey leaning her head against Jay’s chest. “Only us.”

P - Pizza

Jay let down the tailgate of the truck and jumped up on it, motioning for Hailey to follow. She did, but not quite as gracefully. Jay smirked at her once she landed next to him. “Short.” Hailey’s only response was smacking his arm and glaring at him.

Jay reached behind him and grabbed a pizza box, it was a pretty night and the two partners had decided that takeout from Bartoli’s and the night sky were the perfect combination. Hailey leaned back on her hands, looking up. “It’s pretty tonight.” She said.

“You know, this is the part in the movies where the guy unloads an unrealistic amount of knowledge about constellations.” Jay said before taking a bite out of a cheesy slice.

Hailey smirked, reaching to grab her own, “I’m listening.”

Jay shook his head as he swallowed. “Oh no, I’ve got nothing.” He said laughing, causing Hailey to roll her eyes.

“Damn, I was ready for you to go all Rom-Com on me.” Hailey took a bite, moaning. “God, this man makes the best pizza in the city. No, the country.”

Jay laughed to cover his choking, he was not ready for Hailey to moan like that, even if it was over pizza. “Y-yeah. The best.”

Hailey eyed her partner, “You good?”

“Great,” Jay said, giving her a genuine smile. He leaned against the side of the bed, just enjoying the view (of the stars, of course…).

They had been there a while, and somehow the two of them ended up sitting across from each other in the bed. Hailey had her leg leaning against Jay’s while they talked. It was anything too important, more just swapping stories and light hearted teasing. It was all very...comfortable.

Jay said something to make Hailey laugh, and he took note of the way her face lit up in the moonlight. He couldn’t look away. “Hailey.” He said, getting her attention.

“Hmm?”

“You look really pretty right now.” Jay said, crossing a line that neither had ever crossed.

Hailey laughed off her shock, attempting to hide her blush. She sat up straighter, “Nice try Halstead, but flattery will get you nowhere. The last slice is mine.” It her hurry to get out of the slightly uncomfortable situation, she tripped over his foot, catching herself on the side of the truck right above him.

Jay’s eyes bored into her as she stood hovered over him. Jay reached up and grabbed her face, bringing it down. The lips crashed together, it was fast and intense and all consuming. Hailey let herself fall into his lap, so that she was straddling him. She rested her hands on the nape of his neck, leaning into him. Jay gripped her thighs, pulling her impossibly closer.

A long while later, Hailey pulled away and whispered against his lips, “I’m still getting the last slice.”

Q - Quarantined...almost?

“Are you serious?”

“Positive.”

“Jay, that’s not funny.” Hailey said into the phone, Jay could almost hear her eye roll. “Just to clarify..your test was negative?”

“Yes Hailey.” He chuckled.

Hailey bit her lip, “Be there in ten.”

“I’ll be waiting.” And with that, the call ended.

Hailey practically ran out of her house, it had been a rough week and she was so excited to see her partner. The past month had been full of catching glances and flirty comments, Hailey felt like they were finally going somewhere, but of course, the shoe dropped. Jay was exposed to someone who tested positive for the virus and he was self quarantining until he got his results back, which after three days, was now.

Hailey had already decided that when she got to see him again, she was jumping him. No more excuses, she was making a move, but she never expected it to be so fast. She had prepared herself for him to be positive, and to not see him for at least two weeks. Let’s be real, that reality sucked.

The elevator ride upwas painfully slow and the controlled brisk walk to his door was even slower. By the time she reached his apartment it felt like time had stopped altogether. She knocked on the door and not five second later it swung open. Hailey took a deep breath and before Jay could even say hello, she kissed him. It was fast and urgent and very, very hot (according to Jay).

“Woah.” He said, smiling wide as the two finally came up for air. “What was that for?”

“Celebrating a negative covid test?”

Jay grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, shutting the door and pushing her up against it. “Looks like I need to get covid tested more often.”

R - Rollercoaster

“We drove all the way to Ohio for an amusement park?” Adam asked as the unit (minus Voight of course) stood in front of the gates of King’s Island.

Kim grinned, “Yes we did, this was one of my favorite places growing up and it is my birthday, so indulge me.”

“Yes ma’am.” Adam scoffed, following her and the rest of the team through security.

Hailey fell in step next to Jay as the two walked behind Vanessa and Kevin, who were trying to decipher the map. She had to admit, Hailey loved amusement parks: the thrill, the food, the extremely overpriced ponchos. She couldn’t hide her smile. “Your chipper today.” Jay said, glancing down at her

Hailey shrugged, “What can I say? I love a good roller coaster.”

“Then let’s go find one.”

About fifteen minutes later, the six of them were standing in line for the Beast, one of the most famous wooden coasters in the United States. “Just warning you guys, this thing beats you up worse than a bar fight.” Kim said as they wandered through the endless maze of turnstalls, finally catching up with all the other people in line.

“Good to know,” Kevin said, swallowing hard.

After waiting for almost an hour, they finally found themselves at the front of the line. Kim was practically jumping up and down as they boarded the train. Jay found himself next to Hailey and behind Vanessa and Kevin, who were behind Adam and Kim. “Excited?” Hailey asked.

Jay nodded, “Very.”

“Hey Ruz, what do I do if I don't fit in the seat?” Kevin asked, showing them all how his shoulders were too broad to fit between the indents.

“Kev, man, shut up.” Adam said and they all laughed as the car started to roll forward and around a sharp bend.

Hailey looked over to Jay as they were climbing the first hill, his face went from happy to not so rather quickly. “Jay, you good?”

Jay looked at Hailey with a panicked look in his eye, “You know how I have an irrational fear of needles?” He asked, breathing harder.

“Yeah…”

“Well add rollercoasters, also known as wooden death traps, to the list.” He rushed out, his grip tight on his lap bar.

Hailey stifled a laugh as they neared the top, “Jay, it’s going to be fine.” She said, placing a calm hand over his shaky one.

“We’re going to die Hailey.” He said and Hailey watching her partners’ face fill with fear as they toppled over the first hill. She grabbed his jaw and brought his lips to hers as their stomached bottomed out, they were both so lost in the moment that they completely missed the flash.

After the ride, they all walked down the twistly exit path and to the booth. Hailey was in the middle of a staring match with Jay when Vanessa screamed, “What the hell?” She pointed at the picture of Jay and Hailey locking lips on the screen.

“Finally!” Adam yelled, giving Kevin a high five.

KIm looked around at her friends, who were now berating their teammates. “You gotta love KIngs Island.”

S - Stakeout

“Truth or dare?” Hailey askes, leaning back in her seat.

Jay rolls his eyes, “What are we, 12?”

Hailey grins, “Yes.” Jay scoffs fidgeting in his seat. “Please. It’s been five hours, I need entertainment.” Jay looks at his exasperated partner, who is now pouting. Normally he would say no, but she looks so damn adorable.

“Fine.”

“Awesome,” She says, shifting her body to face him. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He says quickly.

Hailey groans, “Lame.” Jay fakes a hurt expression. “Tell me a secret.”

Jay feigns interest, looking through the camera lens at the building they were keeping an eye on. “I’m afraid of needles.

“No shit.” Hailey deadpans. “Fine, I’ll give you another one...ideal first date?”

Jay laughs, “So we’re running with this whole twelve year old thing?”

“Just answer the question!”

“Bartoli’s,” Jay says, staring straight at her. “Some beer, a good ass pizza and a beautiful girl sitting across from me.”

Hailey stops breathing for a second, because for that second, and only that second, she let herself think that he was talking about her. “Cute.” She jokes.

Jay holds up his hands in surrender, “What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic.” Hailey rolls her eyes, “Hey, you asked.”

“It’s your turn.”

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss me.” He says, not missing a beat.

Hailey swears her heart jumped out of her chest, “What?”

“I, dare you, to kiss, me.” He says, breaking it down.

“No.”

Jay chuckles nervously, “What do you mean, no?”

“I mean that you have to kiss me.” She smirks confidently and boy does he deliver. Jay wastes no time swooping down and planting one on her. Hailey squeaks, taken by surprise, but recovers quickly. She presses into him, letting her fingers trace his jawline. The two are forced apart by the sound of a car alarm.

Before jumping out of the car Jay winks at her, “I just found a much better way to pass the time.”

T - Truck

Jay pressed his lips to Hailey’s, gently at first, but then with more pressure. He found himself thanking God for her hair being down ( a rare occurrence) so he could tangle his hands in it. Hailey moaned against his mouth, leaning further into him and causing him to tug her over the center console and into his lap.

Hailey straddled him, fitting perfectly in between him and the steering wheel. She settled her hands at the base of his neck, kissing him passionately.

It wasn’t lost on either of them how perfect the moment was and how it was so fitting that their first kiss be in his truck. Their partnership lived in it, they built their incredible friendship in it and now their relationship was starting in it.

It was totally them and it was exactly how it was supposed to be.

U - Undercover

Hailey pulled the skirt of her tight dress down, she didn’t mind going undercover, but she minded anything that left her not wearing pants. Not only that, but she had Jay’s body heat radiating through her. He was standing so close to her that it was distracting. Hailey shifted uncomfortably, she was hot and falling out of her top, and the sexy piece of meat hovering over her was not helping.

Jay felt Hailey’s fidgeting and leaned down. “Hey, you okay?”

Hailey sucked in a breath, “Yeah, all good.” She said, very aware that her partner’s face was just centimeters from her’s. She searched the room, she was on a mission. “Look, there’s Jacobs.” She said, grabbing Jay’s hand and pulling him through the crowded party.

They followed him down a hallway, Jay letting Hailey take the lead. That was, until their suspect looked over his shoulder a few too many times. “I’m sorry.” Jay muttered quietly and before Hailey could even think to respond, she was pushed against the wall and Jay’s lips were on hers.

She melted into immediately, bringing her hands to grip his short hair as his hands ran up and down her figure. Hailey took a deep breath in, reveling in his scent. Jay pushed Hailey further into the wall, slipping his tongue in her mouth as she gasped. They fought for dominance, Jay ultimately winning.

Jay’s hand found her thigh, hitching it over his hip. Things got heated really fast and finally Jay forced himself away from her, “Um, I think he bought it.” Jay said.

Hailey nodded, avoiding his gaze. Both of them were on the verge of laughing. “Definitely.”

V - Very

Jay was sitting next to Hailey on a barstool at Molly’s, taking in the gorgeous view. He couldn’t look away. He was also slightly intoxicated, meaning he was feeling pretty confident.

His relationship with Hailey would have it’s own evolution movie, and he swore something else had changed in the past few weeks. They were flirting, like really flirting and honestly he was done tiptoeing around his feelings for her. Which was a very new feeling, he never liked talking about emotions, especially confessing them.

But right now, looking at her, he wanted to scream them from a rooftop. “Hailey.”

“Hmm?”

“Have I ever told you that I think you are very pretty?” He asked.

Hailey laughed, attempting to hide her blush. “No Jay, you haven’t. But thank you, I think you are very pretty too.”

“No Hailey.” Jay said, reaching out to grab her hand that was resting on the bar. “You are so beautiful. Like out of this world gorgeous and sometimes I look at you and wonder if you are even human, that’s how pretty you are.”

Hailey was speechless, but she was grinning ear to ear, and Jay took that as a good sign. He leaned in, pressing his lips to hers, steadying himself on her thigh. Hailey leaned into him, deepening the kiss, but pulling away before it went too far. They were still around all of their colleagues.

Hailey turned her head and whispered in his ear, “I think now is a good time to tell you that you are a very good kisser.”

W - Wedding

Six years after the fact, Adam and Kim were finally getting married. It was safe to say it was one of the most anticipated events of the decade, especially for the men and women of the 21st district.

Hailey stood in the parlor with Kim helping her eat a granola bar, very careful not to drop anything on their dresses. She looked beautiful, the white gown was very Kim. It was fitted at the top with cap sleeves and no back, and the train was so long that it drug feet behind her on the floor.

The wedding planner walked in a few minutes later to announce that they were ready, Hailey looked to Kim, “You ready?”

Kim nodded confidently, beaming. “Let’s do this thing.”

Jay held the door open for Adam and the officiant to walk down the aisle, knowing he would be next. He didn’t hesitate to say yes when Adam asked him to be a groomsmen, he had been in their corner since the beginning, and he felt honored to stand by Adam’s side.

He turned around to find Hailey standing in front of him, in a gorgeous blush pink dress that matched the rest of the girls. Her hair was curled and pinned back, and for the first time ever, Jay could tell she was wearing makeup (honestly, it was strange to see). She approached him slowly, “You look very handsome.” She said.

Jay blushed (manlike, of course), “You-you look amazing.” He sighed out, watching her cheeks turn the shade of her dress.

“Thank you.” She said and then they were ushered into a line. They entered the sanctuary by pair, Kim’s niece Zoe (who was now 16) going first with one of Adam’s cousins. Then Jay and Hailey went, followed by Kevin and Nicole, Kim’s sister. Once everyone was in place, Canon in D major began to play and the doors swung open revealing Kim and her father.

Jay watched Adam smile and then his gaze drifted to Hailey, who was directly across from him. They locked eyes and she smiled at him, causing his heart to go crazy. After that, his eyes never strayed from her for too long.

After minutes of standing and smiling, Adam was finally allowed to kiss his bride. The cheering started and everyone clapped their hands for the happy couple. Kim and Adam ran back down the aisle and the wedding party followed.

When Jay met Hailey in the middle, Jay made a split second decision. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him, covering her lips with his. Hailey squeaked in surprise, but let herself melt into him. It was like he read her mind, this was all she could think of during the ceremony, and now she was kissing Jay Halstead.

It would go down as the happiest day of all of their lives.

X - XRay

“Hailey, everything is going to be fine.” Jay said, his hand finding a familiar place on her shoulder. They were sitting in the hospital waiting room, a not so fun place for both of them.

It had been a routine day, until a foot pursuit sent Hailey to the ground. She was only scratched up a bit, which was remarkable considering she was hit by a car. Sure, it was going about five miles per hour, but the sight of her hitting the pavement was enough to send Jay into a frenzy.

They had come in to get checked out, even though Hailey insisted she was fine. And she was, almost. Will examined her and cleared her for any on duty injury, but near the end he noticed that her thyroid was swollen and after further exploration he found there was a tiny lump. Hailey then sheepishly confessed that she had been having some pain and Will excused himself.

It was a hard call to make, the line between playing it safe and overreacting. However, there was doubt about it that Will had to make Hailey face the facts, for her and his brother’s sake.

Returning to the room a few minutes later, Will sat down in front of Hailey and explained what he was seeing. “I hate to say this Hailey, but the lump on your thyroid is alarming. You are past the age of normal diagnosis, but I’ve seen it several times later in life-”

“Diagnosis of what?” Hailey snapped, cutting him off.

Will sighed, “Thyroid cancer.”

So, here the two partners were about two hours later. After explaining the situation there had been a lot of tears and paperwork, and now they were waiting for Hailey’s appointment for an X-Ray and possible MRI.

Hailey was terrified, there was no history of cancer in her family, but she knew enough to know that thyroid cancer was common and deadly. She wasn’t ready to die, she wasn’t ready to stop living her life the way she was. She wasn’t ready to give up on being a wife, or a mom, or even a grandma. She had so much left she wanted to do.

The tears started again and Jay wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders and pulled her lean against him. “I don’t want to die, Jay.”

Jay stiffened, hugging her tighter. “You aren’t going to die.”

“I might.”

“No.” Jay said, turning to face her. “You will beat this, whatever it is. You are too stubborn to go down without a massive fight.” He reached and brushed his thumb across his cheek, “And we will fight whatever this is together.”

His eyes locked with hers, and he leant in, pressing a tender kiss to her lips. Hailey let herself linger there for a moment before pulling away and whispering against his lips. “Together.”

Y - Yes

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, Jay.” Hailey said, laughing.

“Yes, you will go on a date with me?”

Hailey rolled her eyes, “What else would yes mean?”

Jay shrugged, “I don’t know, you could have meant it sarcastically or maybe it’s opposite day-”

Hailey cut him off by kissing him gently, when she pulled away she grinned at the sight in front of her. Jay’s eyes still closed and his eyebrows furrowed, he was so freaking cute. “How’s that for a yes?”

Jay smirked, “I don’t know, I think we are going to have to try again.”

Hailey was beaming right along with him. “Yes…”

Z - Zzzzzzz

Jay was out like a light on the break room couch, and Hailey smiled to herself as she laid the crappy blanket they kept in the locker room over him. It was just them left and as much as she wanted to leave, she couldn’t bring herself to leave him there alone or wake him up. He looked so peaceful, which was rare.

Hailey’s eyes wandered over his face, he was so attractive. Probably the most beautiful man she had ever met or even seen. And he was so kind, and determined and passionate. Sometimes she wondered how he was even real, or how she got so lucky as to be his partner. “I love you.” She whispered, sighing out. It was nice to say it outloud, even if he was unconscious.

She walked slowly towards him, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead, she took one more glance and then made her way towards the door.

However she didn’t get very far before a hand grabbed her wrist, spinning her around. It was Jay, almost like he was back from the dead and he was grinning like a fool. Hailey felt her heart stop in her chest, he had sacred the shit out of her. “Say it again.”

Jay had woken up when she put the blanket on him, he was a really light sleeper, but he had decided to stay “asleep” so she wouldn’t feel guilty. He was so glad he did.

“What?” Hailey asked, breathing heavy. Her hands began to shake and it felt like his next words were a million miles away.

He looked her dead in the eye, “Say it again.”

“I love you.” She breathed out.

Jay wasted no time closing the gap between them and pushing her against the doorframe. He connected their lips and cupped her face in his hands. Hailey gripped the wall for support, her head was spinning and her knees felt weak. When Jay finally pulled away, they were both smiling even bigger than before. “I love you too.”

…

A/N: Wow! I haven’t posted in so long. I’m so sorry, life is crazy right now and I am just trying to get back in the groove. I am so excited to finally post this, I’ve been working on it for s while. Which were your favorite? Thanks for reading! <3