#f in the chat i am so emotionally drained

[skiitter]

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Epilogue.

And so we've come to the end.

[byleresque]

This thought has been hunting me. People out there insist that Mike still loves El romantically and they're endgame, but in the show El doesn't think so. She canonically doubts these things. She broke up with Mike over it. People watching a show where a character says "we don't work as a couple and he doesn't love me" and deciding that they can make better judgement. We as viewers only see the plot relevant shots and theoretically they hang out and talk in between those, they know each other and their bond better than us as observers ever could, how are we supposed to ignore what El thinks about it all? El and Mike are the only ones seeing the full picture here and if we don't listen to them then what are we even going by? Dismissing her feelings because "of course they're going to overcome it they're the main couple"? Isn't it that IF they overcome it they'll be ONE of the couples in this show full of main characters and dynamics? I don't enjoy this interpretation of canon at all. I'm also uncomfortable with the notion that our feelings don't matter and we're all bound to end in the relationships that are socially expected from us

the way milkman isn’t even for milkman...

it goes so much deeper than El is sad because Mike doesn’t say ily -> something happens to change his mind that she is not privy to (i.e. several talks with Will later) -> Mike says ily and now they are the strongest couple to ever couple.

and maybe i know this because i like to watch shows with my eyes open, but El and Mike did not in fact come out of that stronger!!

anon you are so correct that people are dismissing El’s feelings. she is a girl already insecure because she’s lost her powers, she’s being bullied, and her boyfriend hasn’t told her he loves her in several months (how many?? like eight??) even though she says it in every letter she sends. she is desperate for a win. that, and she has been lying about her life in california for that long as well.

i think we don’t talk enough about El lying in her letters. one of El’s core traits, one of the first things she learned in the outside world, is friends don’t lie. for her to lie and lie to Mike shows a deep fracture in their relationship. she doesn’t trust him. she has doubts. maybe she rationalized it as not wanting him to worry-- but like Mike said, he knows about bullying. he knows about being the black sheep. so why lie?

because El doesn’t feel like Mike is someone she can lean on emotionally because he doesn’t lean on her either. they can kiss and hug and smile at each other but do they talk?? ever??

both of them would rather pretend to be content than admit their one piece of social currency, the only thing that gives them a perceived link to normalcy, is circling the drain. their relationship feels like it’s one wrong move from snapping in half which is, uh, exactly what happened.

and maybe a problem like this could’ve been fixed by talking and opening up, but they CAN’T because they honest to god just don’t know each other well enough to do that. what they have is the result of a puppy love crush stretched long past its expiration date. 

but back to the viewers... i think it’s frustrating/hilarious that people are like yep, they’re good! they may be broken up and avoiding each other, but they’re the main couple so they’ll figure it out :) like?? the amount of awkward milkman keeps serving us is just painful to watch. fun fact i did not watch s3 when it came it out because their couple dynamic weirded me out. i was like. am i going crazy or are these kids going way too fast.

i’ll be real with you anon i don’t think ANY of them have the full picture. El doesn’t know why Mike can suddenly say ily except perhaps overhearing Will encourage him to do it. ouch. F in the chat. Mike is all jumbled up from all the stuff Will has been saying, plus the painting and the GUILT oh my god. that boy ain’t right but that’s a conversation for a different post. and Will (honorary mention for being the #1 milkman truther) has the least pieces but is doing the most and unintentionally pushing milkman further off the cliff.

what kind of dramatic conclusion would that be if Mike and El were just fine in s5? El isn’t going to have any questions? They will suddenly be secure in their relationship? incomprehensible. and i totally agree it’s uncomfortable to think that you should just stick to the socially approved relationship and your doubts in that relationship are completely irrelevant. and i HAVE seen people talk about them as if that’s the only course of action left for them. “ohh well i don’t like Mike and El together but the writers wouldn’t make them break up again” says who?? they did it once! and this sentiment is always said to me with this vibe of the writers not being competent enough to fix milkman. as if every other couple in the show isn’t very well-liked. come on. come on now.

a milkman endgame would feel bleak. you would feel like they don’t have much of a future to look forward to outside of 2.5 kids and tv dinners. it doesn’t feel genuine, it doesn’t feel like THEM. how restricting would that be for El? how depressing would that be for Mike? and i think the duffers know that. i think they realized it would be a downer ending to these character arcs and pivoted in s4 to show Mike happily hanging out with the outcasts in the Hellfire club and El going on a backstory mission to rediscover her worth. all a part of the byler agenda

(so instead of that lets now imagine a byler endgame where they can stand up to the world together-- not mistakes and not afraid to live a little differently. they make themselves better just being together. and now El is free to find herself outside of all the goddamn men in her life. duffers i believe in you)

[plussizeficchick]

hello! i saw you did ouran x reader requests and was wondering if they're still open? i was so happy when i saw all the chubby reader ones!! so, by chance, could you do one of those but with the twins? if it's not too much trouble.

Hello! No trouble at all! As a heads up, requests are always open. I may not get around to it for a while, but don't hesitate to drop something in the box :)

Warnings: Kinda angsty, but slight turnaround at the end!

Worth It│Hikaru and Karou X Chubby Reader

It had always been just the two of them.

And that’s all they needed. They never had any use for friends. They weren’t worth it! Nobody interested Hikaru more than Karou and nobody took care of Karou like Hikaru. They complimented each other like that. Nobody could come between the bond that they shared. No one. Then you showed up. Thick thighs, generous waist. Smile brighter than the sun, you could even tell them apart! You intrigued them.

You had only shown up looking to volunteer at the host club, thinking that it would look good on your college application. You never meant to get attached. To fall in love, but here you were. In love with not one, but both twins.

You don’t even know how it started. They weren’t that nice. Cracking “harmless” jokes about your weight, pulling pranks. It hurt, especially because you wanted to get along with them, but you wouldn’t let them know it hurt. Plus, you saw that when they did care about someone, they’d do whatever they could to help them, so you knew they were capable of some compassion.

Sometimes though, sometimes people take things too far.

You’d already had what you considered to be a “shitty day.” You woke up late, so you had to rush to get to school on time, effectively skipping breakfast entirely. Then, you had forgotten your homework for your last class of the day, so you had to skip lunch to do it, and the girls at Ouran were meaner than usual, picking fun at you.

You felt drained. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. Though, you were excited to spend time with Haruhi at the host club. Maybe you’d have a slice of cake as a reward for dealing with such a stressful day.

Walking into the club room, you seek out Haruhi and sit and chat with her over some tea, ranting about your stressful day. “Would you like a slice of cake (Y/N)?” Haruhi asks, sitting down a slice of cake. Before you can answer, Hikaru pops up beside you, “I don’t think (Y/N)- chan here needs more food.” He says, tapping his chin in thought. “Yeah!” Karou pops up on the other side of you, mimicking his twin. “They look like they eat enough already.” You mull over their words. Really? That’s what they really think? Is that what they all think? Tears begin to well up in your eyes. “I-” You choke. “(Y/N),” Haruhi starts, reaching out for you. “Don’t listen to them.” You push her hands away softly. She doesn’t mean that. She agrees. You think. “Yeah,” Hikaru states, shrugging his shoulders. “It was just a-” “Joke.” You finish, turning to face them, tears streaming down your face. They freeze. You’re crying. Why are you crying? It was just a joke. A harmless joke. Right?

“Is that all I am?” You ask, wiping the tears, though they just continue. “Just one big, FAT joke?” You finish, running out of the club room. You won’t waste anymore time on them. They’ve done enough.

The club room is silent when you leave, everyone staring at where you were. “Y- You guys took it too far.” Haruhi states, looking at them. Everyone turns to look at her, “They were having a really rough day and you guys, you took it too far.” She says, sitting with her head in her hands. Where did you go? “A gentleman never mentions a woman’s weight,” Tamaki starts, walking over to comfort Haruhi. “You two must go apologize. (Y/N) is such a kind soul and has been putting up with your foolishness for far too long.” He says. His tone was serious, so the twins knew that they definitely needed to apologize. (Although your teary face was enough to make them do that.)

You were seated by the fountain, wiping the tears from your eyes. Why were they so mean? You don’t remember doing anything to get them upset. Is it because you were one of the first people to tell them apart, just from first glance? Whatever it was, there was no reason to be rude to you. Hearing a pair of footsteps, you look up and see the twins walking toward you cautiously. You stand, ready to leave, when Karou speaks up. “Wait! We want to apologize for our behavior.” He says, grabbing your wrist. “Yes! We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Hikaru chimes in. “Then why do it?” You ask, staring at them blankly. They were taken aback by your bluntness, but they knew they had to be honest if they were going to get you back to the host club. Karou sighs, looking at his twin for confirmation before he states, “We like you.” Now you’re the one that’s taken aback. They like you? What? “Huh?” You ask. Did you hear right? “We like you,” Hikaru confirms. “We have since you came to the club. But we didn’t know what to do! Nobody intrigued us like you did, and we didn’t know what to do. This is the first time we’ve ever felt this way.” He states, running a hand through his hair. Coming to terms with your feelings was hard, but for you, they’d jump over every obstacle. “We're really sorry for what we did. We never want you to feel bad again.” Karou finishes, reaching out for you. “I like you both too,” You start. You really do like them, but it’s not enough. “But, I’m going to have to see changes in your behavior before I commit, understand?” They nod eagerly. Whatever it takes to have you as theirs, they’ll do it. Cause you’re worth it.

[chelsfic]

The Hot List, in which the NYC Familiar Discord Ranks their Masters - Nandor x Guillermo Fanfic (one-shot, crack!)

Summary: The familiars of New York City use Discord to connect and blow off steam...and also to rank their masters’ hotness. Nandor discovers this impertinence and throws an internet fit.

Tags: Crack with a touch of angst

A/N: I don’t know. 

---

NYC Familiar Chat #thirsty

Celeste-is-Best: nngh, have you guys seen Mr. 50ss’s’s’ss instagram story????

Celeste-is-Best: He’s so pretty! it’s like turn me, already!

Imurdad | colby: I know, right? I can’t believe he’s only 7 on the hot list…

[Gigi the great and sam teh pretty like this]

Gigi the great: Don’t forget to vote on this month’s poll!!

Best Hair!

We’re the ones who make them look pretty--but who’s the prettiest one of all? This month we’re voting on the NYC vampire with the best hair. Cast your vote!

A. Simon the Devious

B. Nandor the Relentless

C. Tilda

D. Evan

E. Houston

F. Nancy the Relentless

---

Guillermo locked his phone with a little smile. If he could he’d vote a hundred times for Nandor’s hair. It was unlikely that his master would win against the likes of Evan, Tilda and Nancy. He’d thrown Simon on there as a joke and was kind of horrified by how many familiars seemed to be into the limp mullet look. To each their own, he guessed.

On that note, it was almost nightfall and Nandor’s hair wasn’t going to brush itself. Guillermo made his way into the crypt, lighting candles and gathering the soft brush, comb, detangler spray and hair oils. Nandor was what he lovingly referred to as “high maintenance.” He was also surprisingly pitiful for a 750-year old warlord. It took Guillermo ages every night to carefully tease out and brush the knots from his hair without hurting him. It should’ve been annoying after so many years, but the chore remained one of the highlights of Guillermo’s day. 

For one thing, he got to touch his master without being scolded or hissed at. So that was nice. For another thing, Nandor’s hair was as soft as his personality was prickly. Guillermo would often drag out the task, running his fingers through the silky strands and lightly touching Nandor’s jaw to get him to tilt his head this way or that. 

He was doing just that, as well as admiring the expanse of cream and bronze skin revealed by the open collar of Nandor’s loose shirt, when the vampire opened his mouth. 

“Guillermooo...Did you happen to get any virgins for tonight?”

Guillermo’s fingers momentarily tightened around a hank of his master’s hair. He imagined giving it a sharp tug. He forced himself to loosen his grip and replied, “No, master, I’m sorry. Virgins are getting pretty thin on the ground lately. I managed to pick up a couple people from a bible study class, though. They should taste pretty innocent, right?”

Nandor made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat before answering, “You’d be surprised.”

---

NYC Familiar Chat #the-struggle

Gigi the great: I know we all jealously guard our sources, but I’ve been in a dry spell for a few weeks and my master is going to lose it and drink me one of these nights. Anyone have any new leads on virgins in the area?

Gigi the great: I’ve tried the usual stuff...LARPers, church socials, chastity clubs (surprisingly unhelpful…). I’m kinda desperate!

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: only because you had my back last month when I ran out of burial sites…

Gigi the great: OMG! Celeste, please!! 🙏 🥺

Celeste-is-Best: there’s a magic the gathering tournament in brighton heights this weekend...😈

Gigi the great: You are like the virgin whisperer, Celeste. Thank you!

Celeste-is-Best: np

Celeste-is-Best: hey! Are you posting the poll results soon? I voted for Tilda--don’t tell Houston!! LOL

#main

Gigi the great: The results are in! The vampire with the best hair in NYC is……..EVAN!

Check out the Google Form for the full results...

docs.google.com...best_hair

Evan (26%)

Tilda (22%)

Nancy the Relentless (17%)

Simon the Devious (16%)

Nandor the Relentless (13%)

Houston (6%)

---

“What are you typing over there on your intelligent phone?”

Guillermo hurriedly tucked his phone away and looked up to find his master mopping blood from his mouth with a lace-trimmed handkerchief. They were in an alleyway a few buildings down from the comic shop. The limp body of Nandor’s victim lay discarded on the dirty ground. Guillermo smiled affectionately at Nandor trying and failing to clean himself. He took the hanky from him and set about doing the job himself. The snow white fabric was quickly drenched in dark red arterial blood. 

“I was just, um...checking on another potential virgin source,” he lied. 

The familiar Discord was strictly secret. If any of their masters ever found it and saw their human servants’ uncensored discussions... The thought sent a panicked tremor down Guillermo’s spine and he thought--for the thousandth time--that he should delete the app and not look back. But the idea of continuing with this emotionally draining, thankless job without his little support system was just as disturbing. Besides, the server had really come through for him tonight.

“Well done, Guillermo!” Nandor praised him and Guillermo’s heart swelled pathetically. A small, shameful part of him imagined Nandor patting him on the head and he didn’t hate it. “That was the most delicious virgin I’ve had in months!”

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo smiled sweetly, his cheeks dimpling. Nandor watched him for a long moment and he could swear he saw his master’s eyes linger on his mouth. He shut that thought down before it could bloom into a hope that was only doomed for disappointment. 

“Well…I’ll see you back at the house.” Nandor vanished before his eyes, taking his bat form and darting out of the alley with a high-pitched squeak and a furious flap of his leathery wings.

Guillermo sighed, looked at the broken body and wondered if he’d be able to fit his car down the narrow alley or if he’d have to drag the corpse to the opening. He fished out his keys and started the short walk back to his parking spot. All the while thinking, with distracted horror, Simon the Devious beat out Nandor for best hair?!? Really?

---

Direct Messages

Gigi the great: Hey, thanks! The Magic tournament was a hit!

Celeste-is-Best: i do live to serve…

Gigi the great: Har har.

#bitch-session

mish-bish: Ugh!!! Pretty sure my asshole master is hypnotizing me again.

call-me-karen: That’s rough, Misha! You wanna talk about it? My master lets me take the car whenever I want. I can come pick you up…

mish-bish: Yeah, like...I definitely have a huge black hole in my memories from last night. Fuck.

mish-bish: Oh, that’s ok Karen. Thanks.

Gigi the great: Hey @mish-bish. Sorry you’re having a hard time. If you feel up to it, check out the #support channel. A lot of other familiars have gone through this and talked about it there. Sometimes it helps to hear how others cope!

---

“Guillermo! Guillermoooo!”

Nandor’s panicked bellow reached him all the way in the basement where he was checking his lye supply. Guillermo huffed it up the stairs and raced into the fancy room where he found his master staring aghast at his laptop.

“Wh-what is it, master?” he asked, bent over and catching his breath.

“Someone named...Rap4Unlyfe has sent me a fake news!” Nandor wailed, gesturing to the laptop as if the device was personally responsible. 

Guillermo suppressed an eyeroll and walked over to sit beside his master. He watched in dismay as Nandor scooched farther down the couch but he tried not to let it sting too much. 

The browser was open to Nandor’s Hotmail account. He leaned forward to read the open message, unsure what to expect. The blood drained from his face as he read.

from: rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com

cc:  devious@sassycat.com; nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com ...

subject: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

yooooooooooooooooOO!

Has ne1 else seen there familiars on this site??? I hypnotized mine last nite to give me his phone password and...👀 

Mierda. There were two screenshots attached. One was the survey results page from the “best hair” poll. The other was an excerpt from the chat, specifically Guillermo posting the winner of the poll and the link to the results. 

Guillermo’s face fell into an adorably distressed frown. He darted a glance at Nandor but the vampire just looked confused. It wasn’t clear if he yet suspected that his own familiar might be “Gigi the great.”

“Huh…” Guillermo leaned back and smoothed his expression into one of untroubled amusement. “You’re right, looks like fake news. You should probably just ignore it.”

Nandor punched his fist into his thigh and snapped, “But Guillermo! I cannot let this go unanswered! This...this...ludicrous insult! Imagine...me losing a hair contest. Everyone knows I have the most beautiful hair!”

Guillermo blushed magnificently, “Of course, master! This is just...a prank. Someone playing a mean trick on you. You shouldn’t give them the satisfaction--”

The laptop chimed. Guillermo dove to prevent Nandor from reaching it but the vampire simply slapped him away with a petulant whine, “Give me that! Fucking guy…”

Nandor’s lips curled into a snarl as his eyes scanned over the screen. 

“Oh, no! Now they are making a mockery of me on the ether net!”

from: devious@sassycat.com 

cc: nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com; rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com… 

subject: RE: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

Oh! That is too delicious! Suck it, Houston and Nandor! 

It gets even better. Have you seen this, yet?

vamp_hot_list.doc 

“Guillermo, what is a hot list?” Nandor asked with a worried frown, clicking on the attachment. 

“No, master! Don’t--”

It was too late. He watched as his master’s eyes lit with understanding and then intrigue and finally outrage.

“29?! I am number 29 on your dirty hot vampire list!? What is the meaning of this?” Nandor bristled like an angry porcupine, his eyes shooting metaphorical quills into Guillermo’s soft flesh.

“It’s not my list, master!” he insisted and then, guiltily, “Not only mine…”

“Guillermo!” Nandor gasped, his eyes returning to the screen for a moment before pinning him with outraged accusation. “So, it is you!? You are...Gigi the great? Well, I do not think you are so great, little guy! In fact I think you’re pretty un-great right now! And disrespectful!”

Guillermo sank into the couch cushions, melting under his master’s ire and replying miserably, “It’s not as bad as it looks!”

Nandor turned back to the screen and began reading off names from the top of the list, “Viago! Nancy the Relentless! Evan! I suppose these are all vampires you’ve been dreaming of doing the hanky panky with! Putting them on the top of your list above your own master! That’s two demerits, Guillermo!”

“What!? No! Master, I didn’t make the list! We vote on it! Everyone gets a say. If I made the list of course you’d be at the top--”

Guillermo snapped his mouth shut. His face was on fire and he felt like crying. Nandor must have some inkling of his crush, right? After ten years of service? This couldn’t really be the life-ending mortification that it felt like. He waited, wide-eyed, for his master’s reaction. Nandor stared at him, his huge, dark eyes filled with shock and anger. After a long minute he turned back to the laptop, waving a hand dismissively in Guillermo’s face.

“Go to your room now, Guillermo! I need to think of how to punish this impertinence!”

Guillermo stood, barely holding in humiliated tears. He gestured to the device in Nandor’s lap, “My laptop…”

Nandor held it out of Guillermo’s reach and hissed, “No! Vampire only computer time, Guillermo!”

Guillermo left, trudging out of the room with a sinking feeling in his stomach as the sound of Nandor’s flop-wristed typing followed him out the door.

---

#main

Gigi the great: Is everyone okay?

call-me-karen: not fukcing great!

Imurdad | colby: Seriously! WTF!!?

Gigi the great is typing…

Guillermo lay on his little cot with the crocheted blanket his amá made for him pulled up to his chin. Tears streaked down his cheeks and the phone’s glare reflected in his glasses. He thought back to every off handed complaint, every silly photo turned into a “master-shaming” meme, every confession, every joke. All of them laid bare to the world. The Discord server started out as goofy, harmless fun. The hot list was the perfect embodiment of that. But it became so much more. Being a familiar could be lonely. You were isolated from other humans and surrounded by cold, uncaring monsters all the time. Guillermo loved Nandor. Everyone knew this...there were even memes about it on the server! But sometimes his master’s aloofness got to be too much and he needed to reach out to other humans who understood him! 

He threw his phone down onto the mattress, angrily pawing at his teary eyes and wondering if this was it. Not just the end of NYC Familiar Chat, but the end of Guillermo the Great, his long-dreamed-of vampire alias. There was no way Nandor would keep him as a familiar after this…

---

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: OMG! Guillermo, have you seen this?

Celeste-is-Best: http://familiar-hot-list.colinrobinson.net

Celeste-is-Best: hey, if this is Nandor’s big revenge scheme I think you’re going to be ok

Celeste-is-Best: we miss you! 

---

Guillermo heard his master calling him and cringed. It had been a week since the hot list incident and Nandor had spent every waking moment making little jabs at his familiar and grousing about how he’d been betrayed on the internet. But to Guillermo’s surprisingly intense relief, he hadn’t been fired. After ten years of disappointment and hopeless pining, Guillermo half-expected to welcome the prospect of finally being put out of his misery, so to speak. He was kind of shocked, therefore, to feel happiness and gratitude that his master had decided to keep him around, even if only as a verbal punching bag.

He found Nandor in the library, smugly brandishing the purloined laptop. 

“Come have a look at your punishment, Guillermo,” Nandor patted the couch beside him. “This is what happens when you disrespect vampires on the ether net.”

Guillermo swallowed the lump in his throat and collapsed beside Nandor feeling like a man condemned. Their thighs pressed together but for once Nandor didn’t move away. He shoved the laptop at Guillermo and handed him a yellow sticky note with Colin Robinson’s handwriting on it.

“Colin Robinson has assisted in creating a webpage for your disgrace. We have done our own hot list! A familiar hot list. All of the New York vampires voted. So, now you can see how not nice it feels to have your hotness besmirched for all the world to see.”

Guillermo typed in the URL and blinked as the neon green background scorched his retinas. The page was a hideous callback to the internet of the late 1990s right down to the hit counter at the bottom. There was a border of pixelated dancing Draculas surrounding bright orange text.

NYC Familiar Hotness Ranking

1. Guillermo (Nandor the Relentless) - 19%

Guillermo looked at the screen, then over at Nandor, then back to the screen again.

“Master? Have you looked at the results yet?”

Nandor’s brow knit with confusion, “No, why? What does it say?”

He grabbed the laptop and squinted against the garish colors. Guillermo watched Nandor’s face carefully as he read the results. He looked surprised and almost...pleased at first, before giving in to his patented aggravation.

“Fucking Colin Robinson!”

---

New NYC Familiars Group! #welcome

Imurdad | colby: Hey @everyone! Welcome to the new Discord server. Guillermo has stepped down as a mod but he’ll still be around. We don’t have a perfect solution for the security problems we had with the last server. We’re asking everyone to be vigilant about hypnosis and if you feel like you’re losing time, please be sure to secure your phones/computers away from your masters….

---

to: nandortherelentless@hotmail.com

from: travelbug54@aol.com

subject: Something you might want to see…

Hey Nandoorman! How’s it hangin’?  

Listen, I’m sorry that your revenge didn’t go as planned. I noticed you’ve been a little short with Gizmo ever since this whole thing started. As someone who cares about my roomie, I want to advise you to knock it the hell off. Also, I don’t relish the thought of returning to the days before Gizmo came along. Do you even remember what the house used to look like? Pools of blood everywhere. Dead bodies. Melted candles all over the place...

I digress… I managed to snag this screenshot from Count Rapula. I think you may find it interesting.

Your pal,

Colin Robinson 

discord_gizmo.jpg

#confessions

Gigithegreat: Hey guys. This isn’t easy for me to share but I know I’m not the only one who’s dealt with this and if I can help one of you feel less alone then I’ll be glad. As most of you know, I recently “celebrated” my 10th anniversary as Nandor’s familiar. I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that my master was going to make me into a vampire. Well, once again it didn’t happen. He made me this weird portrait out of glitter instead. And the thing is...like, I should leave, right? He’s never going to turn me and that’s the basis for our whole arrangement. I serve him faithfully, he turns me into a vampire. It’s simple, right? So why am I still here? Why am I still burying bodies for him and making human sacrifices? Dressing and feeding him? Treating him like he’s some kind of god and not an ancient cranky baby?  It’s because I’m in love with him. Hopelessly, stupidly, self-destructively in love with my vampire master who thinks of me as nothing more than a really well-trained poodle who can talk. Why? WHY? Because he makes me laugh. Because he’s fiercely protective of his vampire family and (sometimes) that includes me. Because when we’re alone he can be so adorably, painfully vulnerable and it feels like a privilege that I get to witness that side of him. Because he does ridiculously stupid but considerate things like spending hours making me a glitter portrait. When he’s happy with me I feel like I could float and when he’s disappointed I feel like being swallowed up by a sinkhole. And, yeah, he’s also man-of-my-dreams outrageously hot and I cannot believe you cretins have him ranked #29 on the hot list. It’s a crime. 

Gigithegreat: So, yeah. That’s why I stay. I’m no longer hoping for a bite that will never happen. Now it’s a kiss, a hug, a touch, a look. Anything he’s willing to give me I’ll gladly hoard in my little closet-room along with my glitter portrait. Because I’m pathetic. That’s it. That’s the confession.

Imurdad | colby: Brave words, Guillermo. Hang in there, friend.

blood_princess: this is a mood

sam teh pretty: Sending you healing head scritches ❤️

Celeste-is-Best: look, i think i speak for us all when i say we need to see this glitter portrait!!!

[You’re Viewing Older Messages … Jump To Present? ￬]

---

Nandor looked uncharacteristically thoughtful while Guillermo readied him for sleep. The familiar guessed he was still angry that his little revenge plot had backfired. He couldn’t help but feel a little smug about his position as the hottest NYC familiar. Even if he was pretty sure it was mostly due to the other vampires messing with Nandor. Guillermo couldn’t really enjoy his victory, though, not with Nandor’s feelings of betrayal still weighing on his heart.

Nandor’s face was a stoic mask as Guillermo helped him undress. He cooperated listlessly, picking up his feet for Guillermo to remove his heavy boots, lifting his arms up over his head as Guillermo took off his brocade tunic. Finally, he placed his giant hand in Guillermo’s soft, small one and stepped up into his coffin. Guillermo stood by the side of the coffin as he always did, watching over Nandor with affection choking his throat. Nandor smoothed his hair down and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Sweet dreams, master,” Guillermo whispered, leaning across him to catch the lid of the coffin.

“Wait, Guillermo,” Nandor spoke without looking at him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I wish to say something to you.”

Guillermo’s heart sank in his chest. Oh no...his stupid middle schooler revenge didn’t work and now he’s going to send me away… Tears pricked his eyes and he choked, “C-can’t it wait until tomorrow, master?”

“No. I must say this now,” Nandor responded, oblivious to his familiar’s internal drama. “I want to say to you that--and I think I’m being extremely gracious and lenient here--it is fine for you to have your little, pathetic familiar group on the dark internet.”

“O-oh,” Guillermo quickly swiped the tears from his eyes, “thank you, master…”

“But no more mee-mees, Guillermo! Master-shaming...very disrespectful!”

“Of course!” Guillermo laughed, delirious with relief. 

Nandor looked up at him with a final warning glance before softening, “Alright, then. As long as we are clear on that…”

There was a long beat of silence during which Guillermo found himself locked inside his master’s gaze. Nandor’s eyes were like pools of rich, melted chocolate. Guillermo imagined himself as the German kid from Willy Wonka and for a second he was in danger of breaking down into giggles. But then his master spoke in that soft, uncertain tone he only used when they were alone and he was feeling fragile.

“Guillermo...did you really vote for me to be the number one hottest vampire?” Nandor toyed with the buttons on his shirt and looked up at his familiar with a shy, open expression.

Guillermo’s cheeks burned and he wanted to laugh and hide and kiss his master on the mouth all at once.

“Yes, master, I did. You’re…” he cleared his throat and tightened his grip on the lip of the coffin, “so handsome, master. So beautiful...”

He watched his master’s chest expand with pride and his lips twitch into a haughty smirk. 

“That’s true, Guillermo. Good job for noticing,” Nandor praised him in a voice that was a little too loud. It rang with a false sense of self-assurance. After a few seconds he went on in a quieter tone, “Do you know, I--this is very silly, Guillermo, you mustn't tell anyone this--I voted for you, too. As the hottest familiar…”

Guillermo’s stomach did a little swoop and his lips curved into a blinding smile. His dumb, beautiful master thought he was attractive? Guillermo tried to reel himself in; he tried to remind himself that Nandor probably only voted for him to boost his own reputation. But--wait?--hadn’t the list been meant as a revenge against Guillermo? God, what a handsome idiot.

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo gushed and now he was certain that Nandor’s eyes strayed too long on his smiling lips and red, dimpled cheeks. 

“Alright then!” Nandor pulled the emergency break on the moment. “Time for my evil slumber. Night night, Guillermo!”

And in a slow motion moment that would feature in Guillermo’s dreams that night, Nandor reached up and put his hand over his. Nandor’s cool, smooth palm rubbed over the back of Guillermo’s warm hand and his fingers squeezed slightly. The breath rushed from Guillermo’s lungs and he could only squeak in reply, shutting his master into his coffin and moving away with a dazed smile on his face.

A muffled sound came from the coffin just as Guillermo reached the door to the crypt.

“...And I don’t think of you as a poodle…”

“What was that, master?” Guillermo called.

“Nothing, Guillermo!”

Guillermo shuffled off to his little room feeling like he was carrying a happy little flame inside his chest. For once he gave himself permission to hope without fearing disappointment.

---

New NYC Familiars Group! #thirsty

Celest-is-Best: SORRY NOT SORRY!!!! Simon can get it…

blood_princess: ummmm thirst after your own master, Celeste. Oops sorry she’s 12.

mish-bish: Lmaooo. Gross Celeste!

Celeste-is-Best: listen.

Celeste-is-Best: ...i got nothin. I want his evil dick.

…

Gigi the great: Please look respectfully at this photo I snuck of my master the other night. Do I really need to explain myself further???

Celeste-is-Best: that’s it. guillermo, ask nandor if he needs another familiar. my body is ready!

Gigi the great: Back off, bitch!!!!

Gigi the great: jk love u

Gigi the great: but srsly back off

#master-shaming

mish-bish: submitted without comment

[Imurdad | colby, Gigi the great, Sam teh Cat, and 6 others like this]

...

Gigi the great: 🙄🙄🙄

Gigi the great: I hate him I love him

#main

black-peterrr: ohohoho, has anyone talked to Guillermo lately…..?

black-peterrr: a little raven told me he and Nandor were seen HOLDING HANDS in the park the other night…

call-me-karen: WHATTTTTTTT

Celeste-is-Best: @Gigi the great, CONFIRM OR DENY!! GIIIIIGIIII!

Gigi the great: ……...I don’t kiss and tell 😉

Imurdad | colby pinned a post

Imurdad | colby: This is momentous.

#memes

Gigi the great: hot take…

Imurdad | colby: bahahaha, okay…

Imurdad | colby: 

Gigi the great: But have you considered…

Imurdad | colby: lol compelling

Call-me-karen: I mean…..👀

Celeste-is-Best: Ha...ha...ha…*sob*

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: Gigi! we miss you! ur never online lately... 

Celeste-is-Best: too busy getting that ottoman empire dick, huhhh??

Gigi the great: OMG Celeste! You’re out of control!

Celeste-is-Best: that wasn’t a denial…

#main

Gigi the great: Hey guys...sorry I haven’t been active lately

Gigi the great: Quick update though....

GIgi the great:

blood_princess: OSDFJweoiflkdfaf omgggggg gggggiiiiiiigiigigig!!!!!!

Jameson: Holy shit, man. Congrats.

Celeste-is-Best: GuillerrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmooooooOooooO!O my baby! you look amazing!

call-me-karen: DO YOU NEED A FAMILIAR!!?!?!?!?

Celeste-is-Best: jesus, karen lol

blood_princess: my master is having an orgy right now. I just locked myself in the bathroom--I’M FREAKING OUT!! What is it like? IS that blood on your collar??? OMG how was ur first feeding?

Imurdad | colby: FAMILIARS ONLY, GUILLERMO!!

Imurdad | colby: I’m kidding. OMG I’m so happy for you! (And burning with jealous rage)

Celeste-is-Best: look how fucking happy Nandor is

Celeste-is-Best: i’ve been shipping you two from the beginning, Gigi!

Celeste-is-Best: …..hope you’re not going to forget who helped you out with those virgins last month…

---

“Guillermo!” Nandor’s voice was half whine, half growl. “It’s very difficult to sleep with that light filling the coffin! What are you doing anyway?”

The screen illuminated Guillermo’s grin as he answered, “Just posted that selfie we took to the familiar chat. They’re freaking out.”

Nandor turned onto his side, nuzzling his face into Guillermo’s neck and tickling him with his beard, “That’s nice. Sleepy time now, Guillermo.” 

“Yes, master,” Guillermo breathed and Nandor purred low in his chest. Some things had changed since becoming a vampire and others had stayed the same. Calling Nandor “master” had taken on a new, thrilling subtext.

Nandor’s arms snaked around Guillermo, tugging the smaller vampire into his chest. He let out a contented sigh and his body went still as he began to fall asleep.

“I guess I should probably leave the group,” Guillermo yawned--force of habit. “Since I’m not a familiar anymore.”

Nandor wrenched himself from sleep with the power of his own petulance, “Hey! What do you mean ‘not a familiar anymore’? Just because a guy gives his boyfriend the gift of eternal life he thinks he can quit being his familiar!? Who’s going to brush my hair?! ‘Not a familiar anymore’...fucking guy…”

[drangues]

I hope you’re right, but the future remains to be seen. On the upside, I’m finally gonna be able to see my therapist again! Which is good because I can finally report back on how my meds are doing. Also nooo I’m sorry your teacher is a Fool, that sucks. They clearly don’t know Good Kitty Doodles when they see them. Anyways, YEAH their dynamic is one of my favorites, they’re like. The definition of the vitriolic best buds trope, I feel like? (Nyanon, 1/7)

And it is a bit annoying when people reduce them to Kunikida hating Dazai and Dazai mocking Kunikida, because like you said, that’s part of it!!! But they also trust each other a lot, Dazai genuinely believes that Kunikida is a good man and I do think he tries to base a lot of his morals off of Kunikida’s (and Oda and Atsushi and Fukuzawa, but this isn’t about them), and I think that, while he finds Dazai’s antics annoying, Kunikida very clearly trusts and cares about him? (Nyanon, 2/7)

Sure he thinks he could take things more seriously, but he trusts in his ability to get the job done when it needs to happen, and he even plays into his antics a few times! That fic does sound like them though, Dazai being Extra and Kunikida being exasperated because “you’re dying and this isn’t a manga (unless we break the fourth wall)??? Please focus on staying alive so you can actually confess to the brat.” I love the two of them so much. (Nyanon, 3/7)

Moving on a bit, I seem to have bad luck with friends??? If they don’t randomly stop talking to me if they’re online friends (not for mean reasons, contact just tapers off), then I’ve has like. Physically abusive friends and friends who lied to me and took advantage of how gullible I was as a kid? I’d hope I get a friend like that but at this rate I’ve accepted my lot as a hermit. I am an introvert though, so I guess it’s fair. Back to BSD, though! (Nyanon, 4/7)

I BET OLD ATSUSHI GETS IT FROM FUKUZAWA, he’s been taught his Ways. And Atsushi is probably the one giving people hugs half the time, he’s touch starved and very nice to hold and be held by, again, like a cat- Speaking of, at least it’s a nice rent free thought and not something Super Weird like the theme song of a kids show (yes I hate having songs stuck in my head). But yeah, poor thing needs hugs, preferably from the rest of the ADA when he’s feeling inadequate. (Nyanon, 5/7)

I want them to tell him how much he means to them and shower him with love and affection. And listen, Atsushi is a Literal catboy but he isn’t anywhere near as chaotic as Dazai is, he isn’t a sadist, he isn’t a sugar addict, he isn’t,, The Tanizaki Family (TM), as far as Kunikida is concerned it’s a dream come true. The fact that he actually does try his best and take on extra work when Kunikida is overwhelmed is just a bonus. (Nyanon, 6/7)

Also Atsushi is an indulgent big brother who says fuck gender norms, he adores Kyouka to bits and if she wants him to model some fashion that she likes then he isn’t gonna say no. Anyways, moving on to another Scenario Concept: I’m reading a chat fic right now, so how do you think that’d go with BSD? I know they aren’t action stories but they’re always great if you find a good one,,, I feel like there’d be pictures of Atsushi as a tiger are being thrown around at lightspeed. (Nyanon, 7/7)

WOOO HELL YEAH IM GLAD YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR THERAPIST!! make sure to take not of EVERYTHING all right?? dont reduce to “eh it’s fine” S M H

and yes!!! i also hate how theyre reduced like that, though we also got the anime adaption to blame here because they really love to Crank That Part Of The Dynamic up, so the fans are not TOO much to blame. Plus as you said, they trust each other a lot clearly. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAN FUCK ALL YOUR FRIENDS YOUVE HAD SO FAR S M H, i hope the abusive ones Rot In Hell they did not deserve to do that to you i swear. i understand if this makes you be more closed off but please dont let that hinder you from experiencing the true beauty of people that actually care!!! relationships/friendships take time to build so just have patience im sure youll get someone soon!! i believe in you!!

man you have songs stuck in your head?? mood, i feel that, it’s pretty hard for me to have Something stuck in my head for too long because of how many different thoughts my brain spits out constantly, it’s like several tabs open with many of them playing different sounds it’s all a M E S S but i like it uwu

atsushi is the Least weird in the ADA and kunikida appreciates him, im sure kunikida is the type to say something caring in a threatening voice and then play it off as something Logical like “make sure to not overwork yourself- good health is important for good work ethics”

i’m sure atsushi would feel weird being shoved feminine stuff in his face at first, but because he cant say and loves kyouka to bits he would sit through it and start actually liking it because really, why Not? Whats Wrong Exactly? nothing. thats the point.

I WANT A CHATFIC OF THE ADA LIKE FROM WHEN ATSUSHI FIRST GETS HIS PHONE AND ALL THE CHATFICS THERE MAN (though except for all those intense ass arcs man i like fics where i ignore the canon arcs that happened because F U C K that personally, bsd has VERY emotionally draining arcs imo and mainly the reason i stuck around is cause of the characters OSGDHJSK)

[itonlyhappenstome]

Coronavirus Lockdown UK Homeschooling Day 3.

Just FYI…. It would be in order of weight — Flash, Captain America, Roadman and then Janet (who is a boy but identifies with a girl and looks a bit like Boris Johnson).

Alex did cry a bit when he thought we were serious as Flash is his Guinea pig, but we explained and made him feel better — so I think actually we can add life skills and bereavement counselling to the list of todays lessons!

Well we are now on Day 3, and am I the only person who wakes up every morning and hears the Big Brother Geordie voice over “Its Day 3 in the Hindle Lockdown household!”. Further lockdowns imposed so we are only allowed to leave the house for shopping and pharmacy and for our daily walk. It is getting slightly more familiar, so the initial anxiety is changing to a standard brand of predictable panic. It would be better I think if we knew how long it will go on. The stretching uncertainty is draining in itself, I do not whether to use reserves now or not.

What is not changing though is my discomfort with being completely accessible to all members of the family 100% of the time. Whatever I am doing, want to do, need to do, in the middle of doing…. is secondary to the needs, wants, desires, requirements and demands of any member of the family at any given moment on demand. And if I act annoyed and frustrated because I am in the middle of doing my own work and do not want to watch a trick on the trampoline, or have a chat about the latest news update, or peel a fucking apple/get a glass of water or anything else that my family members are capable of doing themselves or can wait until I am free to do— or even politely enquiring if it is a convenient time rather than EXPECTING it, then I am the grumpy arsehole.

Every day seems to bring different emotions, and it is a roller coaster, not always bad, not always good, not always familiar, but it is fascinating how it is evolving and changing, and seeing how we are coping. I have reduced my expectations and accepted I am not super mum, or a teacher, and that no-one is finding this easy — and that has helped a lot. Also continuing to be selective with whats app groups and reading has helped. And Gin continues to be a constant support….

So last night, as we have more time on our hands we started finally watching Black Mirror….. No idea what series we started on, but it was the episode where the Prime Minister was made to shag an actual Pig live on air in order to save the equivalent of Kate Middleton.

My husband and I had a very highbrow debate as to whether we would be ok with this depending on the person (Boris and Trump would get no sympathy from Team Hindle — but we would organise something nice for the Pig afterwards as compensation…), and we felt really sorry for the pig in Black Mirror — why did no-one care about the pig?!? And then realised we had no idea if 10 Downing Street had a back garden and had a moment of awe and appreciation for Google maps and technology, as how had our minds never been expanded before to ponder these subjects and then to have the ability to see the garden online! Amazing! We didn’t look though as we were pissed and forgot.

Obviously feeling like we had connected on a new spiritual level (and I am fairly sure the cosmic mood enhancers Brew Dog, Red Wine and Gin helped open my husbands 3rd eye also…) when we went to bed, my husband laid his head on mine, and after a moments silence and bewilderment I asked what the actual F he was doing and could he move as it was hurting. And he answered that he was trying to connect us in our dreams, and that maybe as we were more in tune emotionally now we could do that (?), and he was trying to transfer an Eagle through his brain channels to mine.

You know sometimes you are a bit “Are you joking and I am going to look a twat taking this seriously…? Or “are you being serious and I am going to be making you feel like an arse if I think you are joking?” well I went for the latter and my husband rolled over in a huff muttering that my dream tribe were not going to be safely guided by the imaginary dream Eagle and the disjointed feeling of this tribe was on my conscience, he had at least tried and could sleep soundly.

He didn’t remember the Eagle last night. I am surprised actually I did, as was clearly a bit drunk by the way I tried to brush my teeth with Germolene this morning…

So, homeschool Day 3, we are lowering expectations and trying to find creative ways to pass the time, as we are all just a bit bored and “meh” with it all. Just living to Easter Holidays on Friday — which will mean no change to captivity for us, but at least we can drop the pretence of trying to fill the day with meaningful and educational shit and go be demotivated alone in our electronic device worlds without judgment or guilt.

Started well at the crack of 10.30am with locking the kids outside in the trampoline, even put the older one in her school sports kit (weirdly felt I should get extra parenting credit for that!). Parenting win before lunchtime I feel!

The younger ones needed to expend some energy and frustration so I had them stabbing bits of concrete with child friendly IKEA knives (ok vaguely child friendly, I am sure any metal object when used as a stabby thing is not that child friendly actually in hindsight) to free up “stuff” inside. And one of them looks like a bell end with infected foreskin — so that was amusement for the kids and also adults alike!

DIE METAPHORICAL COVID 19 CONCRETE!

Laughing childishly at what looks like a Bell End with infected foreskin (actually a pirates face…) We then combined Biology, Politics, Science, Maths and potentially Home economics with time with the Guinea pigs! Firstly we had a life lesson/Biology by explaining why Janet was dancing on the face of Captain America and that it was not dancing, or bullying (ok well it is probably classed as bullying unless you are in Prison and then it is “love”).The Guinea Pigs helped us with Politics as we showed the children the information about the lockdown, what it meant, and there may be a food shortage so we must not waste food. So they weighed the Guinea Pigs to see in which order we should eat them in the event of a food shortage — which enabled them to have Maths, Science and potentially Home Economics! Epic!

Just FYI…. It would be in order of weight — Flash, Captain America, Roadman and then Janet (who is a boy but identifies with a girl and looks a bit like Boris Johnson).

Alex did cry a bit when he thought we were serious as Flash is his Guinea pig, but we explained and made him feel better — so I think actually we can add life skills and bereavement counselling to the list of todays lessons!

I did send my husband out with the children on a walk with a picnic, and stated that for everyones sanity, health and well being I was imposing myself on an hours complete self isolation. The. Walls. Are. Closing. In. I actually shrieked earlier when my husband shut the door of the room I was in — the walls started moving in on me!

He has gone out for essential shopping now, Tonic Water. Maybe I should have asked him to look for fruit and vegetables, but my brain has started to turn to mush.

Stay safe everyone….!

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

(19/F)

I am seeking advice for helping someone i care about. My girlfriend has been trough a lot in her life, especially for the past two years.. Every time i try helping her or try bringing her mood up, she rejects what i’m saying and replies with ‘no’, ‘you can’t help me with this’, ‘you’re not at fault, it’s me’ or ‘i can’t do it’. She refuses to get out of the state she’s in, and pushes everyone away from her. Lately she came to a disagreement with our group of friends and two of them hate her now. Because of this argument she started losing trust in me, thinking that i would go to our friends and tell them everything that my gf told me about her, which i wouldn’t do because i promised her i will never do such thing, but doesn’t believe me.

I think i could add up that she has a problem with drinking. It doesn’t matter if it’s 12 pm or 3 am, or whatever the time would be, she drinks. And drinks a lot at a time. I am worried about it, and i told her to take it easy with the alcohol, but she doesn’t listen.

Also i think that this quarantine is affecting her even more. She stays alone, only with her pets, and barely has any family left, and I can’t go stay with her because my parents wouldn’t accept it.

I try calming her down, and giving her advice but she’d disagree on an instant on what i’m saying, replying ‘this is the way my parents have raised me, i’m sorry, but i can’t do anything about that’, even when she knows she’s wrong and wouldn’t even try taking the initiative to change it slightly, so she wouldn’t have the same problem repeating over and over again.

It frustrates me knowing that i can’t do anything to help her, and i thought maybe changing the approach. Maybe you could help me with some advice. I am sorry if all of my explanations are off, but i seriously don’t know how to say it and don’t make a book, or even a trilogy…

I love her and i’m staying by her side in these dark times, but i just wish she could let me be there for her…

honestly, if someone’s not open to the idea of help and support? it’s very difficult to give it to them ):

you can only help someone if they want to be helped, yah feel? if she’s not really focused on recovering, or getting to a point where the mental illness is manageable and not controlling her life? then there’s not a lot you can do. a person has to want to improve, they need to have that fire and the desire in them, getting better from a mental illness is ultimately about choice and voluntarily wanting to do something.

listen to her when she needs to get something off her chest, show her that she can trust you, maybe do little things to help keep her busy and distracted? and even if she knows it already: tell her directly that you want to help her and support her, sometimes being very direct about it and verbally expressing it can make a person feel a little less alone and frightened. ask what you can to do help her? she knows herself best, so if she gives you her thoughts + ideas on what could help her then it might be more practical and helpful.

keep on talking about the benefits of therapy and seeking professional help, encourage her to see a doctor – say that you’ll go with her if that makes it easier? whatever helps! encourage her as much as you can to chat to others - they say that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ and it’s true. talking is good, talking is healthy, it’s therapeutic. her parents sound like they’re out of the question for help, but maybe there’s a few teachers at school that she feels comfy talking to, or other trusted adults like extended family or neighbours or parents of friends? getting extra adult help involved can be a good thing, the more people that know what’s going on then the more people can help your gf and support her.

when you try helping her or improving her mood, and she says “no /  you can’t help me with this / i can’t do it” then challenge her on that. right now it might be the depression / mental illness talking and trying to convince her she doesn’t need help, sometimes challenging her thoughts can make her use critical thinking skills and apply some logic, which can help to fight through this. ask her why she thinks you can’t help her, ask her why she thinks that she can’t do it? ask her why she doesn’t want to seek help and lessen the darkness and misery if it’s been going on for years?

[side note: I personally can understand why she might not have a desire to seek help for her mental health concerns; if it’s been going on for a while, then you become used to it, it becomes “normal”. a lot of people are afraid of change, her feelings (however dark or unhealthy and toxic) have now become familiar and normal, it’s understandable that some fight against wanting to get better. but don’t tell her that! even if we can potentially understand where she’s coming from, you still want to ask her those questions and challenge her thoughts, so that it makes her think.]

it sounds like you’ve made a pretty decent effort so far to help your gf? but there’s only so much you can do, like you can’t force someone to be helped or to start to take care of themselves. it’s hard to watch someone struggle with mental heath concerns when you care about them, it can be so emotionally draining and upsetting. but at the end of the day? a person can only be helped if they want the help, and sometimes you just gotta accept that. be patient with your gf, encourage her to keep on aiming for help from a doctor, take it one day at a time. <33

- tash

[chronicallylatetotheparty]

After the Fall Ch. 7 Risk & Reward

LoganLight, AO3

"Bro, you can't keep this up! She sits right behind you and you're being a major jerk," Nino stage whispered. Presumably so none of their classmates in the courtyard would overhear.

"I'm trying!" Adrien pleaded for his best friend to understand.

"What happened, dude? I know you told Kagami, why won't you tell me?"

Because you're Carapace and every time I think about telling you my heart tries to hammer it's way out of my chest. Plus, Rena would find out 'cause you're terrible at keeping secrets from your girlfriend. And if that happened then Ladybug would know and I'm not ready for that! She can't know! If I'm acting weird around Marinette now then there's n-

"Adrien? Bro, you in there?" Nino's concern snapped him out of his thoughts. "C'mon dude, don't you trust me?"

Adrien's eyes narrowed as anger flared unexpectedly in his chest. "Yeah, I do. Do you trust me?"

Nino averted his gaze and scratched uneasily at his head. "Of course, I do."

"Then trust me when I say I have my reasons." With that Adrien walked away. He knew he wasn't being fair to Nino. But secret identities where inherently unfair, he knew that better than anyone.

For so long the only person he could talk to about his problems had been Plagg. But Plagg was . . . Plagg. Even Marinette had "Master" Fu months before he'd met the Guardian. Not that the handful of meetings they'd had were anywhere near as illuminating as he'd hoped. There was Chloe, he supposed, but her identity was public. The risks were obvious but at least she didn't have to lie to the people she cared about. (Not that she let that stop her.) Then there was Alya and Nino, who somehow knew each other's secret identities? How was that fair? How was that-

Adrien closed his eyes and breathed deeply before letting it out slowly. He has Kagami now and didn't need to follow stupid rules. Luka was in the same boat he'd been in. Though Panthera was making markedly more progress on the Ladybug front.

"Well, if it isn't 'Sunshine'. Feeling a bit cloudy today, I see."

"Hello Alya." He turned to regard his not-so-passive aggressive friend. "If you're here to tell me to be nicer to Marinette. Nino beat you to it."

"Good!" she crossed her arms. "That means we've got twice the chance to get through that thick head of yours."

Why do people keep saying that?

"Like I told Nino, I'm trying, okay? I just need time."

Alya's calculating look softened slightly. "We're worried about you, y'know? You shut us all out, even Nino! You won't talk to anyone except Kagami and she won't tell anyone what you two-"

"You went to Kagami!?" Adrien was indignant at Alya's attempts to intrude on his privacy.

"Like I said, we're worried about you. Especially Marinette. That girl can't stop thinking about you."

Adrien looked away in discomfort. "In case you haven't noticed she's crushing on someone else now."

Shock covered Alya's features. "How did- No, never mind. What I meant was Marinette can't stop worrying about you getting akumatized!"

Adrien paled at the reminder. ". . . I'm worried about that too," he admitted.

"You and Marinette are the only ones in our class that still haven't been visited by a certain black butterfly. And you're not exactly . . . you right now."

How would you know what I'm like? How would any of you know me?

"Really? I hadn't noticed. You're quite the sly fox aren't you, Alya. Always so quick to notice what's right in front of you."

To her credit she didn't react as obviously to his allusions as Nino. "Okay, I deserved that." And she must've been really upset if she wasn't coming out swinging.

Adrien felt the anger drain out of him, leaving him emotionally exhausted. "We all have secrets, Alya," he reminded her gently. "I don't like them but they're not going anywhere."

Alya was quiet for a moment before blurting out:

"I miss my friends! You're spacing out all the time! Nino can't stop worrying about how you don't really talk to him anymore! Marinette gets all teary whenever I mention that stupid cat! There's something wrong and I can't fix it 'cause I don't know what it is!"

He let Alya catch her breath before asking his most pressing question. "Why would Marinette get sad whenever you mention Panthera?"

Alya scoffed. "Not him, Chat Noir. Why d'you think I don't mention him at school anymore?"

Adrien's eyes went wide.

She does?

"Thought you'd forgotten him with the rest of Paris."

The glare she gave him was one usually reserved for Chloe. "Listen here Agreste! That guy has saved my life more times than I'm comfortable remembering! I am not going to forget about him like he's yesterday's news! Got it!?"

"A-Alya . . ." He would not cry. Not here. Not again. No matter how much his eyes stung and his chest burned.

"And don't change the subject! We're talkin' about . . . What was I saying?"

He gave her a sad smile. "I thought I was getting better. With, you know . . ."

Her gaze softened. It seemed he wasn't the only one who was emotionally exhausted. "You are. With everyone else. It's just us three that you're still out of it with."

Adrien looked down in shame. "I was cruel to Nino," he said softly. "He was just trying to help and I brushed him off . . ."

"Well, then what are you still doing here? Go! Say you're sorry!" She pushed him back in the direction of where he'd left Nino.

"Oh! But . . . Aren't you mad?"

Alya rolled her eyes. "What, you think I've never argued with my boyfriend before? It doesn't work like that. What you do is apologize, reach some kind of understanding, and try not to do that again."

Adrien walked from an encouraging Alya to a distraught Nino.

". . . I'm sorry."

"No! No, I . . . I shouldn't have pushed you."

"Sometimes I need a push . . . You're right. I've been hiding something from you."

". . . You're not the only one with secrets, bro."

Adrien smiled sadly. "You're friendship means so much to me, Nino. I-I was so afraid of what you'd think of me if you knew that I pushed you away . . . I'm still afraid."

"I could never think badly of you! You're my best friend! My brother!"

"Y-you're my b-best friend, too. I . . . I'm glad she chose you. Knowing you've got her back is . . . reassuring. You make a pretty great turtle, Nino."

". . . Man. First Alya, now you. Is it the goggles or . . . Uh, I mean- Please don't tell her!"

"You didn't expect to keep a secret from a fox for long, did you?"

Nino's eyes widened. "F-f-fox? Should I feel threatened that you're hitting on my girl?"

Instead of answering Adrien reached out and pulled up Nino's wrist. The one with the Turtle Miraculous on it.

Nino glanced from it to Adrien. ". . . How? . . ."

"Alya's wearing the Fox necklace right n-"

Adrien started as Nino suddenly pulled him into a hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," he breathed.

"N-Nino?"

"You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you!"

". . . I can imagine." Adrien returned the embrace.

"So, this is why you've been acting wierd?" Nino mumbled into his shoulder.

"Partly. I . . . I have s-so much to t-tell you," Adrien trembled as what he would have to reveal sunk in.

Nino tightened his hold. "Later, dude. Let's just, process and stuff."

"I m-might not have the courage. Later," he admitted.

"You will," Nino promised. "Or I'll get Alya to beat it into you."

That startled a laugh out of him. "Don't tell her."

"She'll find out eventually, dude." Adrien heard the frown in Nino's voice.

He thought of Marinette and how Alya had yet to find out that particular secret. ". . . I know. But, I don't want her to know just yet." Adrien stepped back to look Nino in the eye. "Promise."

"Who d'you take me for?" Nino held out a fist. "Of course I promise!"

Adrien smiled and he felt only a twinge of nostalgia as he fist bumped with his best friend.

Ch. 1  Ch. 2  Ch. 3  Ch. 4  Ch. 5  Ch. 6    Ch. 8  Ch. 9  Ch.10  Ch.11  Ch.12  Ch.13  Ch.14  Ch.15  Ch.16  Ch.17  Ch.18  Ch.19  Ch.20  Ch.21  Ch.22

[talusnegotiations]

Diary, Tuesday 29 December

Successes today

With a pic above that says Emotionally Drained it seems strange to start with the successes of today, no? But here we are and successes we greet.

I felt recognised and seen

I got to spend the morning with a nurse who is very kind and smart. We agreed that we could be hospital friends while I’m in here, because we are both hilarious and very good looking.

I met a physio down on the rehab floor who absolutely, 100% knew what I was going through, who empathised with me, and who laughed (kindly) at the small ineptitudes of people who aren’t familiar with spastic diplegia.

My friend and I had a late-night (8pm is late for me) phone call and we talked about Christmas and roses and lovely, lovely life developments.

I received a care package from Rory whom I haven’t seen since 2018 and whom I miss very much. We did get a facetime in though. Gorgeous.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henri Lehmann - Ophelia (detail) (Source)

Challenges today

A rant about professionals in the health industries ignoring lived experience

I’m trying to find a different word for resentment. I resent some things about my hospital experience because they remind me of difficult parts of my childhood, a lot of which was spent in hospital.

It is hard for me to know that, even if I speak clearly and articulately, being explicit, yet polite as pie, there is a high chance that bureaucracy or inherent bias (or *gasp* discrimination) will mean any request I make, no matter how important, may be ignored. My example below.

I had a chat with the physio-in-charge yesterday about my need for more training in wheelchair use. I might write a longer post about this soon, but not now. The physio and I were on the same page, and she said that it would be only too easy for her to arrange something to assist me on my learning journey as they had a number of staff rostered on (except on the public holidays). I am meant to be proficient enough in wheelchair use so as to not injure myself by the time I depart hospital in a week.

So, I need to learn to use a wheelchair properly. If I don’t, I am going to seriously f**k the rest of my body up for the indeterminate future, which will inevitably cause me a lot of pain (physical and otherwise) and cost thousands, yes thousands, of dollars* to fix. The amount of time it will take to fix is also indeterminate, due to the tempestuous nature of my disability.

I have a daily briefing with the rehab doctor to talk about my treatment. This morning, she dismissed my request and said that the main priority was to get me up and using the wheelchair so I wouldn’t fall, and that was all. I replied in agreement, adding that I needed to use the wheelchair properly so as to reduce risk of injury and maximise my recovery potential.

Like, the doctor and the nurses all come in here and tell us how hard we’re working after the shock of an accident, how hard it must be, and how arduous the journey is. How nice it will be to get back to  ‘normal’   (blerghhhhhhhhhhh). What even is that word?

/

Some context, I suppose

Mum and Dad are concerned about how upset I got. But I think they’re living in the 1990s still. They’re living, a little bit, in segregation world, where talking about disability and requesting what I need in a straightforward way, rather than in a passive, docile and subtle way, is dangerous. You could so easily be locked out of medical care if you don’t play your cards right. If you seem like a difficult patient. And they’re not wrong. That shit still happens today.

When I was a kid: do you know, Mum has written correspondence from multiple different doctors telling her that she was deluded and hysterical^ for wanting my developmental milestones to be double-checked. Mum thought there might be something to follow up medically, and they all dismissed her. She was a ridiculous, over-sensitive mother with a wild imagination. 

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was four years old, and it was basically by accident (story for another time). But four years is a long time for a small child. Four years the doctors ignored my Mum and Dad, even though they kept on asking, kept reporting their lived experience. But, Nina isn’t walking the same way as other kids her age. Speaking is difficult for her. She cries all the time. Please help.

See... this is why I started with the successes.

/

*and everyone says I’m so chill about being disabled and i generally am due to my shiny, sunny, charismatic and humble disposition. but this kind of thing---which happens all the time---boils my bloody broccoli because well-paid, well-educated professionals who are meant to be working for the benefit of my recovery are accidentally, even ignorantly, working against it. yes i know they’re busy and i want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but i also want to work together. please. please can we work together?

^it might be paraphrased but I think hysterical was actually a word used.

//

[lightinalexandria]

June 23rd, 2021 : When Learning Arabic Feels Impossible يونيو ٢٣

All my emotions feel turned up 4x here in Alexandria. The times I feel active and present -and that's most of the time these days- have a joy and flow I don't reach as often back in the US. But then, also, every day, multiple times a day, I have this battle with myself; I'm constantly pushing at my limit of comprehension and confidence to immerse myself in Arabic speaking life here, and it's a knife's edge. A new concept in class when I'm tired or encounter on the street or too much time in my apartment will push me over the edge, and I'll spiral down in my head. Right now feels like that.

Mostly, I feel dumb. Really, really dumb. It’s the inverse of the learners mindset. It will pass, I know it will. But damn, times like these I miss most of all my language, or at least a language that I speak well. I miss being able to make people laugh. I miss witty repartee. I miss understanding what the F*CK is going on in a conversation. I miss being able to facilitate conversations with a light touch. I miss being able to chat up strangers and drop into deep conversations. I miss easy intellectual conversations. I miss being able to plan and organize group activities. I miss knowing exactly the right word for abstract subjects.

Maybe from far away these language learning forays of mine seem preordained, like "of course it was going to happen." I drop off the map for awhile, then show up speaking or with dramatic improvement on another language.

It doesn't feel like that right now. It feels like a daily struggle to stay in a place that is so mentally taxing, with gains that only become apparent over time and negative feelings that sweep over so very presently. I want so badly to stop feeling like a fool, to stop these halting sentences and blank looks I get, wanting to duck back into a language cave where I'm safe. The first week I had a couple days where I had to tell myself out loud to leave the house, knowing the cavalcade of language disasters that were waiting outside. I want to not be the buffoon in a continuous sitcom of miscommunication scenes from the street. Am I really going to do this for another 2 months? And then a year after that?

This is the blessing and curse of an immersive environment, the reason I learn so much faster living here. You're expected to speak the language -constant stressors in daily living accumulate if you don't- and so the social pressure pushes you to improve.

Exercise routines and English language breaks help when I'm emotionally drained. I've been learning to be kinder to myself these past several years. But there's no way around it, these moments of talking myself continuously off the ledge are tough.

[fanficsofmine]

Selfish - Sehun Smut

By request - a FWB to something more Sehun one shot. I based it off of these fake texts that I did a while back. Happy Hump Day! -T

I was restless. I had been dealing with an exuberant amount of family drama all night. I was irritated and frustrated. I wanted a distraction, but none of the normal ones. I did not want to go out and drink my problems away. I did not want to go dancing with the girls. I paced around my room, my nerves buidling with each step.

Finally, an idea came to me and I reached for my phone. 

Send Text Message: Hey Sehun. You home? Receive Text Message: Yeah, but so is JM.

I huffed. My best guy friend and friend with benefits having a roommate was a huge inconvenience sometimes. I knew that he needed to be able to afford the rent, but I desperately wished he lived alone sometimes. It’s not like that was fair of me, of course. I had a roommate, too. She was home tonight as well. 

Send Text Message: Shit. I really need to get off. Receive Text Message: Yeah. Sorry. Send Text Message: You okay? Receive Text Message: Fine. Why? Send Text Message: You’re just being really short. You mad at me? Receive Text Message: Nah. Just not in the mood.

I rolled my eyes. I was definitely not in the mood for extra drama. If Sehun was going to be this way, then I was going to let him. I could settle for just a drink or two and retreating to bed for an early night. 

There was a knock on my door and I turned to see my roommate standing there. She was dolled up in a skimpy red dress. She had on a pair of my black stilettos. I did not even want to deal with the petty argument of her borrowing them without asking. I was too emotionally drained to fight with anybody else tonight.

“So,” (Y/B/F/N), said, “we’re all going out! Get dressed! Let’s go!” 

“Ah, I, um, I think that I’m going to go ahead and stay in tonight. I had a long day at my mom’s house dealing with all of this stuff with school funding and my dad’s bullshit. I think I’m just gonna stay in.” I shrugged my shoulders. Her face fell.

“I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of that. I totally get it though,” she reached over and gave me a hug, “we’ll miss you tonight, but get some rest, okay?”

I nodded and waved as she walked out of the room. I raised my phone up again to text Sehun.

Send Text Message: Oh. Okay. Then I won’t ask you to come to my place instead. My roommate just went out for the night. Receive Text Message: Oh. Um... yeah. I’ll head over there actually. Send Text Message: You sure? You don’t have to. Receive Text Message: Can we just hang out though? Receive Text Message: Like, just watch a movie or go out for ice cream cones or something? Send Text Message: Yeah. We can do that, Sehun.

The good thing about your friend with benefits also being just one of your best friends in general meant that, no matter how you hung out, it was comfortable and fun.

His messages also meant that I could go ahead and put on my sweat pants and comfortable clothes.

I had made a bag of popcorn and laid out a few movie choices for him to pick from. Right as the microwave alerted me that the popcorn was done, there was a knock at my door, followed by Sehun letting himself in.

He was always a stunning sight. I had seen him dressed up in suits and dressed down in pajamas. Every time, he still looked perfectly stunning. Today, he was in jeans and a solid black t-shirt. His black baseball cap was nestled over his soft black hair.

He walked in and gave me a hug. 

“I’m sorry that you had a bad day,” he whispered as we embraced.

“How did you know that I had a bad day?”

“You went and met with your family. Generally that means that you had a bad day.”

I laughed. He knew me so well.

“I laid out some movies to watch. Wanna pick one,” I nodded in the direction of the living room as I went back to the kitchen to pour the popcorn in a bowl. I grabbed a couple of beers and, with a skillful balancing act, made my way to the couch. I set the drinks and bowl down and flopped across the couch as Sehun put the movie in. 

“Why am I not surprised that you picked The Avengers. Again. I hadn’t even laid that one out!” I threw a piece of popcorn at him and he laughed.

He came to the couch and signaled for me to sit up. He sat directly under where my head had been. I laid back down and used him as a pillow as the movie started. 

We started small talking over the movie. Since we had seen it a million times, it wasn’t an awful ordeal for us to chat during it. He asked about my family and I asked about his day. His hand started absentmindedly stroking my hair as we talked. He fiddled with the ends and twirled it. His other hand traced my arm up and down. I watched him bite his lip and furrow his brow as I talked. 

Suddenly, he jumped up, shifting me and catching me off guard.

“I have to go,” and without warning, he was out of the door. 

I sat in a stunned state for a while. Once my composure had been re-gained, I grabbed my phone.

Send Text Message: Okay. What gives, Hunnie? Send Text Message: You’re “not in the mood,” you come over, we have a good time hanging out, and then you just fucking bolt? Receive Text Message: I was going to kiss you.

The statement confused me. We were friends with benefits. Us kissing was nothing new.

Send Text Message: And?... We kiss all the time? Receive Text Message: Originally, I just wanted you to fuck me. Receive Text Message: Then I got fucking selfish. Receive Text Message: And then I wanted you to love me.

I set my phone down on the coffee table. That’s what his whole deal was. He had caught feelings. I covered my face with my hands and let out an agitated groan. This was against the rules. We had established when we started this whole thing that we wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our friendship. If being fuck buddies was going to mess things up, we would quit. If either of us caught feelings, we would quit.

I had never told him that I had caught feelings shortly after we started. 

It had been the little things that made me fall. The sex was great, but it was also the way that he held me after. It was the way that he got up and got me a glass of water every single time afterward. He always asked if I was okay or if I needed anything. The sex was fun. His little tickles during position changes to keep things light. He drove me crazy in the best of ways.

I had not anticipated him falling for me too.

A little while later, my phone vibrated against the wood of the table. I saw his name flash across the screen.

Receive Text Message: You’re ignoring me. Send Text Message: I don’t know what to say. Receive Text Message: Because I ruined everything. Send Text Message: No. Because I love you so much. But I’m terrified to take it to the next level. Send Text Message: Fuck, Sehun. Things were good. Things were really good. Receive Text Message: They can still be good. Dammit, they could be better than good. But you won’t  give me the chance.

I held my breath as my brain made an impulsive decision and I typed out two words.

Send Text Message: Come over.

I set my phone down again. I saw him respond, but didn’t bother picking it up and responding. I started to pace across the floor. I nibbled on my thumb nail. It was a bad habit I had never broken. Whenever I became anxious, I bit my thumb nail. I never bothered to spend money on getting my nails done, because I knew this one would always get ruined.

There was a knock at my front door a little while later. Instead of letting himself in, Sehun waited for me to open the door. 

The second that I did, his hands cupped my face. He kissed me passionately. This kiss felt different than any other that we had shared before. There was an air of romance behind it. His hands left my face and pulled me close to him at my waist. He held me tight, as though he was frightened that I was going to pull away.

i did pull away, but only to guide him to my bedroom.

Once my door was shut, we were all over each other again. He pulled at my t-shirt and I raised my arms so that he could remove it from me. He repeated the action with his own shirt, and quickly disposed of his jeans, shoes, and boxers as well.

He sat on the edge of my bed and directed me to come toward him. I removed my sweat pants and panties and made my way over to him. I straddled him, a knee on either side of him.

“You are so fucking beautiful,” he whispered as his hands roamed my back. He kissed me deeply again as I slid myself onto his length. I always needed time to adjust, no matter how many times he had filled me. 

I threw my head back and moaned his name. My legs wrapped around him and we began to shift. His lips explored my chest and collar bones. Kisses, bites, and hickeys started to lace themselves across my skin. My hands raked through his hair as we rocked back and forth. 

If I thought that the kiss had felt different, the sex was practically brand new. We had been in this position multiple times. Today, however, wasn’t just sex. Sehun was making love. His movements were slower. They were more meticulously planned out. Every touch carried a feeling of tenderness.

The passion behind our current situation caused my orgasm to build quicker. I hadn’t anticipated an orgasm this quickly, but I also hadn’t anticipated to feel such an overwhelming amount of intensity and affection. 

He felt me start to tighten around him, and grabbed my hips, bouncing me quickly. The change in feeling from the gentle rocking to him quickly sliding in and out of my core threw me over the edge. My nails clawed into his shoulders as I came. His breath was ragged as he thrust into me a few more times before finding his release as well.

I traced my finger along his jaw line and brought his chin up for a gentle kiss. We stayed, kissing, still wrapped in each other, for a long time. 

“I love you,” he said, looking directly into my eyes. His deep brown eyes held my gaze, and I felt the worry of saying those three words for the first time radiate off of him.

“Oh Sehun, I love you too.”

A giant smile spread across his face. He squeezed me tight.

Normally, Sehun would leave or we would go get food after we had sex. Tonight, though, he pulled the sheets back after we had gotten re-dressed. He was in his boxers as he slid into my bed. He pat the side of the bed next to him and I crawled in. I rested my head on his shoulder. We didn’t talk. We didn’t try to justify or explain anything. We just breathed in each other’s company as we both drifted off to sleep.

[doctortwhohiddles]

If their was an award for complete lack of self awareness, @aeltrileaf would win it hands down with this post. It’s too long to screencap so I’ll just copy it:

               10 Personality Traits You Will Be Hated For                                  

by Steven Aitchison

Arrogance– (Meaning = unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are more important than, or know more than, other people). We’ve all come across people like this. When I think of the arrogant people I have met it seems to be mainly men that display this trait. I have also noticed that it seems to be a class trait i.e. people who are in the ‘upper class’ can be arrogant with the ‘lower classes’ (yes the class system is still very much embedded in UK culture).

Rudeness – (Meaning = not polite; offensive or embarrassing) When I think of people who are rude I tend to think of shop sales assistants. I know in America they are much more customer focused but in the UK customer service in shops can be terrible. It’s especially annoying when someone is serving you and they are talking to their friend about what happened last night.

Domineering – (Meaning = inclined to rule arbitrarily or despotically; overbearing; tyrannical: domineering parents). People who try to control others is not a good trait at all. Again this can often be seen in the office and at home. It is a form of abuse and can be hard to spot sometimes. Of course some people like to be dominated (stop that!!) but that is a choice, which is different altogether.

Dishonesty – (Meaning = not honest) The trait that I abhor the most in people! Everybody lies whether it be a white lie or a big ‘honestly I didn’t kill him’ lie. However when someone lies constantly it is very irritating and annoying especially after you have pointed out that you know they are lying and they continue with it. I am teaching my boys that honesty is always always always the best way even if it feels difficult. If you are honest all the time it will lead to people trusting you more and valuing your opinion more.

Temperamental – (Meaning = describes someone whose mood tends to change very suddenly) Sorry ladies, but I have found the most temperamental people tend to be female, especially if you’ve ever worked in an office. I don’t know if it’s the office air or sick building syndrome but people change as soon as they enter their office of work. I have seen them standing chatting to someone outside and then when I see them again in the office their eyes have turned blood red, little horns have sprouted from their heads and they talk like they’ve just smoked 100 cigarettes “ what the F%*& are you talking to me for”, at that point I’m outta there.

Conceited – (Meaning = Holding a high opinion of yourself) Much like arrogance and just as annoying. It great to have a good opinion of yourself but when it is displayed to others in a manner as to make others feel small it can be very unpleasant.

Unreliable – (Meaning = cannot be relied or depended upon) Another trait that can extremely annoying. Again we’ve all come across people like this at work, at school, at university, in fact every area of life. We also know, very quickly, not to rely on that person for anything. When reliability is not there we tend to think they have other traits related to this such as lazy, disorganised, selfish etc.

Dependent – (Meaning = relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc). I am talking here about people who are overly dependent especially in relationships. There is no bigger turn off for a person than the man or woman who seems to depend on your relationship to survive.

Pessimistic –(Meaning = the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc) How to lose friends quickly = be pessimistic all the time. It’s quite funny when you get the grumpy guy in the office who moans about everything but deep down you know he likes the world. However when you get the person who moans about their job, their house, their life, their children, the world and are serious about it– how quickly do you run away from them? It can be very draining being around people like this they literally sap your energy.

Condescending – (Meaning = showing or implying a usually patronizing descent from dignity or superiority).This is another trait which riles me. Of course this is open to interpretation in many cases. On a few occasions I have asked people if they are meaning to sound condescending and often they are embarrassed and explain that it was not their intention, so it can be a tricky one.

How. The. Fuck. Can these people post shit like this and not realize it describes them? I mean, how can they not see it? Arrogance: check, they think they know what goes on in Ben’s life better than anyone else. Rudeness: I’ve lost count of all the times Gator told people to fuck off when they call her bullshit. Domineering: If any of the haters disagree with the narrative that the Queen of the swamp gives, they are automatically deemed a nan. Dishonesty: Do I really have to explain that one?! Temperamental: Just look at the hate going in the sewer right now. The haters throw a fit every time they are reminded of the existence of Ben’s family. Conceited: They think that they are the only ones who knows the truth. I think that’s pretty much a textbook example. Unreliable: How many times again have they announced the end of the “sham”? Dependent: They are emotionally dependent on the attention and approval they get from their fellow haters. Pessimistic: They now have reach a state where they are certain that Ben’s career is failing. Because he refuses to leave his wife and kids. Condescending: see conceited.

[theinkstainsblog]

2, 11, and 15, please, for the identity asks?

Thanks for sending these lovely xx These are some great ones.

2: have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

To be honest, I don’t think I really have. I mean I’ve certainly seen parts of me mirrored in various books and ideas, but I think the beauty of writing is it is putting our own thoughts on paper - and every writer’s voice can be so unique even when writing the same tired old stories, we’re always bringing new experiences and new flavour with us.

11: describe your ideal day.

You mean like realistically how I would like today to go or my dream day? I’ll answer for how I’d like today to go, then I can do positive thinking and see how much of it I manage.

How I’d like today to go:

- I get up, now, it’s 6:30 am. I get dressed, brush my hair. 

- I grab a bowl of cereal and while I’m eating I draft a new blog post to put up on my Wordpress later

- At about 7:30 am I brush my teeth, put shoes on, that kind of thing. 

- Hop on my bike. It’s about five miles to work which is fine but its mostly up hill. I will hate it while I’m doing it. That’s okay, I’ll be glad I did it later. 

- Get to work for 9:00am. Use my awesome ID thing to scan myself in at the door (I still feel like a spy doing that I’m such a child).

- Say good morning to everyone, make a cup of tea, settle down.

- Do some testing. Find some cool problems with the software. Confuse the poor developers with the problems. Poor developers. 

- Break at like 1:00 pm for lunch. I get half an hour lunch break which is the perfect time to sit down and work on my novel while I eat. Try to maintain a good balance between writing and chatting to my co-workers (who are all lovely) so as not to appear standoffish. Probably fail.

- Back to testing for the afternoon. Should all go smoothly from here. Unless the devs decide they want to get their nerf guns out or something that’s usually interesting. 

- 5:00pm. Cycle home again. Somehow magically avoid traffic so I can actually enjoy the downhills. Hate the uphills that there are because while there are a couple less, its not enough to make it worth it (Bath is all hill my guys. Up, down, up, down, up, down). 

- Get home for 6/6:30 pm. Kinda collapse for a minute. Probably read some more of The Raven Boys.

- Have dinner about 7:30pm. Hopefully something nice, like some good pasta puttanesca or something. 

- Have a quick bath, nice and hot. Read while I’m in there because I’m a risk-takerTM.

- Get out, its probably about 9:00pm. Finish off that blog post and put it up because this time of night my dash is busiest. 

- Do a self-compassion exercise for about fifteen minutes. It’ll feel a little emotionally draining but having been doing them for a month, I can start to feel how much its helping my outlook on things, which is improving my anxiety a lot so I know it’s worth it.

- Stay up til I feel tired somewhere between 10 and 12 pm. Try to get some more of my novel done during this time. 

- Chat to my boyfriend online before bed, we can’t see each other much at the moment because he works weekend shifts and I work Monday to Friday. Tell him I love him and hopefully feel loved and wanted back.

- Go to bed smiling because of it.

15: five most influential books over your lifetime.

Okay well: 

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by JK Rowling - as a kid, like a lot of you I’m sure, Harry Potter is the series that most influenced me. It’s the series that made me fall in love with the fantasy genre and magic and storytelling (although as a kid I told them out loud and acted them out with friends as this massive ongoing saga that for a while I fully believed in the way only a child can).

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman - Gaiman has been so so influential to me as a young fantasy writer, and this was the first book of his that I read. I actually saw a video of his Make Good Art speech before I read this, my dad sent me a link. And watching that, I thought yeah, those are the changes I need to make - stop trying to be like other authors and just be me. Then I picked up Neverwhere (my boyfriend saw it and remembered me going on and on about this Mr. Gaiman who had so inspired me, so he bought it for me - poor boyfriend ends up buying a lot of books, bless his heart) and just, you know that feeling when you’re reading exactly the right book at exactly the right time? It was that. It made me feel hopeful again and reminded me that there is magic in the world - we just can’t always see it.

Our Own Private Universe by Robin Talley - Probably the only thing I’ll put on here that isn’t fantasy but hey ho. This book is another one that I read exactly when I needed it, actually only a couple of months ago for Pride. I’d been feeling really insecure in my sexuality and then I saw that this was a f/f romance with the main character/POV character being a bi girl… and I knew I needed it. I felt so validated and recognised and most apologised and most importantly not alone in how I felt after reading this. And that is why I will scream from the rooftops about how important representation is, all the damn time.

The View From The Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman - Oops I lied this one isn’t fantasy either, its a collection of essays (how many times can I put Neil Gaiman on this list? As many as I want!). Reading this book was incredible. It’s a compilation of reviews and essays and thoughts and it’s just fantastic, honestly. It reminded me of so much of why I love fantasy and sci-fi, it reminded me of the things i am aiming for in life and with my writing. But more than that, it gave me access to more incredible things. Now I know that no matter how I’m feeling, if I need something new I can go back to that book and there will be a book, or some obscure fantasy novel, or a song, or a band, or a comic book or a  museum or even a painting that someone felt was important enough to share. And I can read or listen to or visit these places, and capture some essence of that feeling, in my own personal way (seriously if you feel like art is an important part of being human, read The View From The Cheap Seats. Actually read it even if you don’t, it might change your mind).

I’m going to stop at four because I can’t think of a fifth and honestly, I don’t want to put any books on here that didn’t speak to me in this way - I probably just haven’t lived long enough to come across another one yet. But some close contenders are the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett, It by Stephen King, and The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood.

[lady-nevermore]

Checklist, Dreams, and Fourth Therapy Session

Before we get into what happened this session, I wanted to write down this checklist of sorts, regarding a few bouts of anxiety I had these last two weeks (and how I dealt with them)....My therapist did after all (give me homework last session) / and highly advised me to write down any situations that may have triggered or have caused my anxiety-levels to start rising/or skyrocketing. So here we go.

6/8/17 - Thursday

It was the day (more like early evening) before my cousin’s Jay’s Graduation, and that was when I noticed that I had misspelled my cousin’s name on both her graduation-card, and on the envelope of said graduation-card....I felt my heart freeze and an immediate sense of anxiety (and me fretting over whether or not I should fix it with white-out or not) ...I definitely felt my heart race in fear (beating loudly, to the point I could feel my heart beating/pulsing in my eardrums)....The reason for my fear: was because i felt that my Aunt C was going to take great offense, in the fact that I had misspelled my cousin’s name (My Aunt C is quite a prideful woman, and very easily angered/offended.....and the fact she traumatized/ emotionally abused me when  I was 5, def. left/instilled that sense of fear in a way.....even now).....It wasn’t until a little bit afterwards that I started to realize how my anxiety was quite an irrational reaction on my part, and how silly it was to be freaking out over this, ‘twas in realizing this that i calmed down and chose to let it go (aka I passed along my gift to my dad, who works with my uncle aka Jay’s Dad, so that Jay would receive said gift on the day of her graduation); I was rest assured when my dad told me that the gift had successfully made it’s way to Jay, and I sighed in relief. 

6/9/17 - Friday

My little cousins ended up spontaneously coming over for a visit / aka My Aunt Juanita (one of my kinder as well as fave aunts) needed me and my mom to babysit them for a bit. .....See, here’s the thing (call me high-maintenance or whatever) - But I don’t do well in regards towards spontaneous things, such as: Unexpected visits, unexpected plans to hangout (like the last second, in this very moment types), unexpectedly meeting a friend or acquaintance our of the blue (like when shopping for groceries or something).....stuff like that really tends to raise (sometimes even sky-rocket) my anxiety levels.....mostly cause I wasn’t prepared for it. But yeah, so minutes before they (my little cousins: Bryan and Izela) were to arrive, I sorta became a wee bit frantic (because I needed to make sure my room wasn’t a total mess and prepare my gamecube console and games, to keep them entertained, [and keep in mind, as a nerd i have most of my videogames and anime/nerdy stuff in my room] so yeah, I started to feel hella rushed and a bit stressed, cause it was soo last minute; which didn’t help my anxiety levels: Cause they just skyrocketed (to the point where my hearing-senses/audio-hypersensitiveness started to kick in, such as me getting irritated my hearing the clinks of the dishes accidently clanging against each other ......but yeah, It wasn’t until they got here, that i noticed that their rowdiness sorta low-key irked me (them trying to talk over each other by raising their voices and stuff) but I got over it quickly enough; their cuteness/adorkablness was more than enough to take my mind off my anxiety, and even made me smile. It was fun babysitting them; Izela was having a blast with harvest moon: a magical melody (though she sorta got the hang of it but was getting hilariously frustrated with the game itself and she kept giggling/laughing when she kept running outta time and losing track of where she was going, which I found to be absolutely hilarious, to the point where i started laughing my ass-off along with them), but then Bryan wanted to play something else, so I introduced them to Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, which was really fun watching and guiding/ helping them walktrough the game (especially once we finally got them into reaching the Deku Tree, aka the first dungeon). I may have felt a wee bit drained once they left (they dropped them off here at around 6PM and didn’t leave till like 10 PM), but I did calm down in the end, plus it was fun :)

6/14/17 - Wednesday

Left at 11:45 Am and went to go see Wonder Woman and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell no Tales; Not gonna rewrite what happened here cause I already made a post about this here: http://lady-nevermore.tumblr.com/post/161840007484/saw-ww-and-potc5-today  ....But what I will write about is a few things i forgot to mention that had also happned: After seeing WW (it ended around 3 PM), I wanted to wait and watch POTC5 another day instead, so i walked home......the thing is I have a real bad sens of direction, and well long story short  i got lost (and let me tell you I felt disoriented and felt anxious as I was lost) so I decided that the best thing to do was to calm down and backtrack, and end up back at the mall.....and from there i decided: “Well fuck it, I might as well go see of RWBY4 is out yet on bluray....which it wasn’t, so I left Best Buy and headed back towards the Theaters (all of this btw is inside the mall: The Theaters, Bestbuy, etc)....That was when I decided to go and watch POTC5 around 3:35 PM (and the movie didn;t end till around 6PM), but by the time it ended, I decided to call my dad to pick me up, but yeah I enjoyed myself (both films were great) and it was a nice day. ^^;

6/18/17 - Sunday

Dreamt of an old friend (let’s call him Wolf); he was chasing me in my dream (I was running away and felt such a cold sense of fear and a lot of anxiety in the dream).....See, Back when I knew him, he was dealing with a lot of anger-issues.....We didn’t really end things on a good note when we parted ways either.....Last time i saw him was when we were playing ping-pong ball, and he was obviously hella pissed-off/angry at me (cause a few days before, I told him that I no longer felt safe/that I felt uncomfortable being around him....something that was a long time coming, years even).....He obviously didn’t take this well, cause the next/and last time I saw him we were playing ping-pong ball with a couple of friends of ours, and he was so succumbed by his anger that he kept hitting the ball with such force at me..... it was obvious that he was trying to hit me (I remember cause the look in his eyes was terrifying, it was filled with pure hatred towards me); a mutual friend of both of ours at the time: Cisco-kid, had to pull Wolf over aside (Wolf reacted towards this via throwing the ping-pong paddle to the side with such ferocity, outta anger) but nonetheless he was reluctantly pulled-over to the side and was told-off by Cisco-Kid, with him asking him what the hell was wrong with him, and telling him to knock it off.....This was about 4-8 years ago (sometime around then)...I wrote more about this here: http://lady-nevermore.tumblr.com/post/162055039454/dear-wolftbh-our-friendship-was-doomed-from (in my Letters to No One, therapy side-blogs)....but long story short, I ended up cutting all ties with him without so much as a word (this was simultaneously during the time that my mentor/friend passed away, and when I had my nervous breakdown, and fell into a deep depression).....This hasn’t been the only time I’ve dreamt of him (most dreams are of happier, fun, friendship-wise times)....this one was not. :/

6/18/17 - Sunday

Surprised my Dad with some French Toast for breakfast (with a side of some delicious: fresh and juicy strawberries, banana slices, and sausage links) ‘twas delicious, which I’m glad it turned out so well (I love to cook in a calm and serene environment, it always calms me down and takes my mind off things, plus it’s fun).....But anyways, I went to a chinese Resturant with my folks for Father’s Day on Sunday; haven’t been to that place in years (since like my young teen years)....Felt a small sense of anxiety/nervousness/restlessness before shortly getting there. But that quickly went away and we had a nice time once we got there. ^-^

The Fourth Session

Finally - Onto the Fourth Session.

6/19/2017

Today we talked about the checklist I’ve made here above, mostly about the situations that caused my anxiety and how  i dealt with/reacted to it; I’ve told her that once I’ve realized how irrational/silly my overreaction is to something (that is causing my anxiety), i can quickly calm down cause now i realize that it’s not me that’s reacting this way, but rather it’s the anxiety that’s taking control and choosing to react for me; That distinction, i feel will help a great deal in the long run.

We focused a lot on my old-friend Wolf, and talking about what i would say to him if he was here, and how to let him go, and how to let his shadow (of me feeling anxious of running into him) go. We talked about my mom and me worrying over her cause she has an appointment on the 22nd cause she’s had this chronic cough and me worrying it’s throat cancer, which led us to talking about my pessimism and me jumping to the worst possible conclusions, and how I need to try to stop myself from going there, and just try living in the present (in the here and now), rather than worrying on what could or might not happen. 

We talked about my progress thus far, and I told her I feel hopeful (something I haven’t felt in a very long time), especially due to my online-friends here on tumblr (especially those  i chat with - you know who you are), but most especially: @theamazingflyinglion, @angelotics, @th3-d0rk-kn1ght-d0t-exe .....you guys have no idea how much your support and company has helped me; it’s given me hope, and that’s something I haven’t felt in over 4-8 years. 

My Therapist has told me that there’s so much i can still accomplish, but that I need to remind myself that i am allowed to do it at my own pace (and that it’s really important to remember that I do not owe society, my former high-school teachers/mentors/classmates/friends, even my parents anything in regards towards meeting their standards/expectations.....The thing is this is such a difficult thing for me to do, and is something I’ve always struggled with, especially when it comes to meeting high standards in academia/my pride in academia, being a perfectionist, or having my life together (especially by age 25)......It also doesn’t help that i have an inferiority complex, I’m always afraid to feel inferior or look inferior (which is why why pride stings if my intelligence is questioned, or why  i get competitive in trivia games, or why i get high-strung/slight snobbish if  i feel slightly threatened by another’s intelligence.....which is such a horrible trait to have, and have mostly broken free of it (it was worse during my teenage years, believe me)....thank god I’ve matured, and grown hella, like hella more liberal and open-minded in my views in life, or else even i wouldn’t have been able to stand myself, Christ! o.o

But yeah, it just weighs soo damn heavily on me.....i feel like I’ve wasted my life away, like I should have accomplished soo much by now and it scares me shitless that i don’t.....that i’m soo damn uncertain.....and that I’ll fail again. it scares me cause, I’m afraid I’ll run into someone I knew from my high-school days (the people who knew me as the perfect teacher’s pet, the person who had their shit together, the person who was on top of it all) and that they’ll see what a pathetic person I’ve become.....My Therapist keeps telling me that it’s not too late to fulfill my accomplishment, to fight for my accomplishments......and to be honest, I’m sorta feeling like a little glimmer of hope, it’s small......but maybe just maybe, that tiny glimmer will grow into a passion/motivation into finally feeling capable of meeting/accomplishing my goals (but at my own pace). 

Speaking of goals, I told her that my goal/dream is to become a teacher (and english teacher); the main reason is I’ve always loved/enjoyed helping my formers classmates/friends/little cousins in opening their eyes in wonder via discovering or noticing something the didn’t note before, especially in regards to storytelling, which is why I wanna be an english teacher (helping students understand and view literature, especially the archetypes and overall concept of the hero’s journey, in a new light). The second, and most personal reason, as to why I want to become a teacher, is to honor my friend/old mentor’s memory (may he rest in peace), cause he too was a young teacher himself, and i remember him telling me how much joy he got outta teaching, how much energy and how alive it made him feel despite his battle with colon-cancer....which is why my I desire to be a teacher myself, so that I can follow in his footsteps, and carry-out what was taken away from him, and make him proud. :’)

She asked me how i felt about trying to go back to community college, or learning how to drive, whilst I;m currently going to therapy......I told her I dunno if i feel ready yet.....still dunno (it makes me nervous just thinking about it....not impossible, but just nervous). >_>; ....She said that’s fine, and that she’ll be here supporting me regardless, stating that her goal is to be here for me and help me get through this. But yeah, like I said - I don’t feel ready, but who knows, we shall see. Hmm, we’ve also talked about me dealing with depression (and she’s asked me if i noted that maybe it’s during when I’m menstruating...I mean yeah sometimes I PMS, and that’ll trigger it, but i told her it’s manifested itself outside of my menstrual cycle as well).... i told her that i view it as an analogy to the weather or a lingering cold......it comes and goes (and I’m like *sigh oh great it’s you again depression, how fucking long are you gonna stay with me this time around).....I’m aware it’s bouts are temporary, and i can deal with it.....but bouts of anxiety on the other hand is a lot more difficult, because I’m so sensitive to it,cause daunting more instinct-base aka it’s soo in my face, and it get’s in the way of how  i react to things, socializing, etc, and it’s def. more of a struggle for me. But anyways.

 Footnotes:

My Therapist highly advised me, dude, she even made me write it down, to:

Not allow other people’s expectations nor society’s to take control and affect me; that I don not owe other people (former friends, classmates, teachers) an explanation as to why i did not meet said standards.

And to remember that it’s the anxiety that’s making me feel and react this way, not me; that this anxiety does not have permission nor my consent to take control over how i chose or choose not react to things.

^This is her third piece of hw (in a way) to write these down on a sticky note or somewhere I can see them, and read/integrate them into my psyche once a day (especially when my thoughts linger towards not feeling accomplished or when i’m in an anxious state); She says that changing my thought-process like this will help in the long run.....and to be perfectly honest, it def. makes sense. 

Fourth Piece of hw, she gave me a couple of adult-coloring book pages (hell, she even handed me a box of colored-pencils) and she asked me to color these whenever I’m feeling down, anxious or whenever, that it’ll help me to relax.....I'm assuming this is some sort of art therapy? But either way it made me smile in slightly soft-amused way (I used to love art classes, drawing, coloring back in my elementary, and middle school days, it was my side-hobby so to speak as a kid)....plus not gonna lie, but it sounds hella therapeutic and my sorta fun....def. looking forward to it lol. (^-^)

 Side Notes: 

 I didn't wear my light hoodie/sweater today, ‘twas hella effing hot, and since it’s just my therapist and me there, I thought I’d forgo it (I usually feel very insecure with it, cuz i’m slightly chubby, especially around my tummy area, and covering myself with my jacket sorta makes me feel less insecure for some reason.....yeah yeah, I know I’m weird, plus I’m also a creature of habit, so once I started doing something routinely, I sorta feel reluctant to change. ^^:

I burned my finger while I was cooking, sucks but thank god I have aloe vera growing out in my garden (along with spearmint for spearmint tea, and fresh rosemary and oregano for when I’m cooking). It all makes me feel hella fortunate and happy, yay! ^-^

*looks at the clock - Damn, it’s already 9PM!* :O

But anyways, that’s all for now, TTFN! :)

- Lady Nevermore

[pearlcrysta]

Venting Sobfest. Moving on. Fanfics are hard to write like this. Cause they end up with me being a sadist on the chars. Readers want fluff too.

Writing on phone.

Or, how u can use all ur. built up emotions and feelings to write sobfest for readers.

I am a pretty selfish being when it comes to friendships - online too. I feel constantly lonely in real life and can t help wonder what is wrong with me to appall certain people whom I had never encountered troubles with.

At University – there was a group of acquaintances - they were very much friends with each other. While I was just there.

Never included in their out-of-college experiences.

I also am not a human who is a pushover, like purposely want to self-invite to things just to be forcefully included. I can also semi-sense when people ask you out of politeness to go somewhere, but the answer they wanna hear is ‘no’.

Or, when I ran late to class, no one bothered saving a seat for me. Some rarely did out of courtesy, only when i messaged them. While for their 'friends’, they d do it on instinct even if they end up skipping class.

I was always at the bottom choice when group projects were made. Even though i generally aim to be serious on such projects since grade doesn t reflect just my own performance.

The other has to have a good mark too. Still… always picked last.

It’s little things like this that upset me socially throughout college, hurting me even a year gafterwards since contact with anyone from there is rare… And at the same time I realize - i can t force someone to be my friend.

Or to like me.

These people mostly lived together in dorms. I lived at home cause college is 40 mins from home —- easy-peasy to have gotten there.

They interacted offline a lot. I do online more with them.and by more - school work more while they managed to naturally drift for topics.

I could have put more effort. I know I could but I am socially awkward as f,feeling most comfy online where friendships seem so much easier to make.

…

And cause it s so easier to me online, when i find an emotional support, i tend to cling on it. xD irritatingly. even if i like a person or have a crush on them online, in the end, any romance will be dead, slaughtered by things like distance (different countries, livelihoods, dreams).

Not every crush should be followed through. 

Even if we could write for hours, long term thing other than friendship would have been an emotional hassle. A pain that I don t want anymore. And despite liking him, I know a futureless ship when i see it so my heart gets over it - or pretends to. Honestly, I liked him because he paid attention to me, helped me a lot in games and was there to greet me so eagerly every single day for months.

Months in a row.

Showering love of all sort.

And I tried my best to help him back.

But i also got tired of listening to broken record problems. I m human too. xD i can t always find supportive words. Not when i am told that he would move to my country just to stay with me.

As a friend too.

I managed to convince him eventually how bad an idea it was to do so - for a girl online. Friendzoned hard as f — that s how i heartlessly did it.

He said he was ok with it as long as he could be around me.

It was nearly a year of amazing friendship when it all soured since March.

April maybe.

When he found a replacement for everything he once sought in me. He got over me - friendship wise too. I am no longer relevant to his daily life.

No longer important enough to greet.

No longer important to care for.

No longer an excited 'hea’ 'heya’ 'smiley face’.

No longer interested in my day.

No longer caring if i am sad. Even when i specify i am sad because of him and him ignoring me, saying how rekt I was for him replacing me — he says that when he was sad that i shrugged it away or said for him to be quiet. I didn.t want to listen to his problems anymore.

… What… the… fuck????!!!!

Sorry for not having patience 24/7 like ur new twin does. He s also not sorry for moving on from talking to someone who made him feel bad, to someone who supports him 100%.

…. Hah…

That was heartbreaking to hear cause I never thought I wronged him to this extent. Why the f did he bottle so much and then come with the crap that 'i tried to tell you, you wouldn t listen’????????????

There s a difference between “trying” and “fucking telling”!!!!!

Even though he promised he would always be there for me - as a friend. He broke this promise.

Like he broke many other promises.

Little things added together.

Drifting away so much it hurts.

I fck up too at things - i was no innocent victim and had selfish moments. I admit, I fucking liked to have someone give a damn that i was worth a small greeting every single day.

I felt less lonely.

Loved.

But he was clingy too. So clingy at first, dear god. Super clingy - Yoosung style almost - and i would point out that i d need some space.  never meant an entire black hole type of space. It s tiresome to talk for hours, months on end with a human. even one u like their company of.

I can t do it well.

I m tired… … … I m depressed.

How easy people use me. Just to throw me away when they find better. Or no longer need me for their issues. Cause they have BETTER. …. Forcing out topics for the sake of it made me feel drained to keep up… i needed some breathing space. So, It s back to suffocating loneliness space now, i got my fucking wish apparently.

Because he found his emotional twin whom he connects perfectly with.

While I ve become disposable trash.

He didn t say this - I assume I am trash to him for how he reacts around me. Confronting him did no good ((ultimately, it s my fault i couldn t help him anymore and he did what i wanted. Only problem is, he did too well)).

I stay invisible for days — no signs of concern from his part.

I come online and chat on public channels — barely acknowledged. I start a lot of conversations now whereas before he jumped on my chat every single day. If I don t write first, we are silent for days. And when I do write, it s mostly me begging for game things now. cause i m insensitive like that. And dunno how to talk to him naturally anymore. I pretend to be ok. And happy for the situation. when all i want is things to return to how it was before the fallout…

…

Tonight i flipped off.

I had it.

He shows love, friendship and has secrets with his twin — remember when u said u d never keep secrets from me? Yeah? I know u forgot.

Like you forgot about me.

Cause i am a fucking replaceable human. XD which u make it clear every single day by how much love u pour to ur twin. While I get is yelling, cold shoulder or not even a glancing thought anymore in ur day.

How am I doing?

U don t care that I have cried before, why would u now?

All i m ever left with are promises that end up half assed and empty. friendship that makes me cry more than an online relationship ever fucking did — I even left the common discord group we shared and he gave zero fucks.

… …

You don t even notice me gone…

XD … …

Seeing u happy while I am so torn. When u were emotionally bad, I helped u. Spent hours and hours to cheer u up and I can t even fucking convince u to do the same for me anymore.

If ur twin asks u for stuff or needs anything, u run at her like a dog. When I do, u act like it s the hardest thing ever to do in life. … … … … The only good part is out of all this is that it s giving me material for my MysMe fanfiction. I m using the story to vent and crap on MC s emotions. Using Magic Zen power to heal. Story probably going to shit anyway xD you reading my story was a nice feeling. But u stopped. If ur twin would write one, u d gobble it up like candy.

…

I m a sour person XD 

maybe that s why people find it easy to treat me like this.

Intentionally or not, I can t handle my emotions anymore… so i follow my advice and quit on those that cause me pain. At least until i can be mature enough to handle the switch in social dynamics.

It takes months but i ll get over this hurdle.

Investing so much time and energy on someone who d fucking dump me aside for a “better” version.

I ll always remember this treatment though.

...

...

Conclusions: need to reach out to the few friends i have left. @.@ gdi. 

[celebritylive]

WARNING: This post contains spoilers from Monday’s episode of The Bachelor.

Welcome back, Bachelor Nation.

On Monday’s episode, Peter Weber left Lima, Peru, to head out on hometown dates across the country with his final four women: Hannah Ann Sluss, Kelsey Weier, Madison Prewett and Victoria Fuller.

Up first was a trip to Knoxville, Tennessee, where Hannah Ann is from. Before their date had even begun, she made a point to warn Peter about her dad, Rick — an old-school, protective father who works in the lumber industry. It was important that she prove to her dad “that this California guy is tough,” but getting Rick’s approval was clearly easier said than done.

After spending the day together, Hannah Ann and Peter headed to her house to meet her family, and it was obvious from the get-go that Rick was extremely skeptical about the entire process. “The biggest question on my mind is how Peter feels about Hannah,” he said. “I mean, can you honestly sit here and tell me tonight that it’s not just a flash in the pan? Because right now, that’s the way I look at it.”

Finally, Peter and Rick sat down together, and Rick asked him point-blank about the three other women still in the running: “Where are you at as far as how you see yourself with them, versus how you see yourself with Hannah?”

“What I can tell you is there is something real here,” Peter replied. “I’m actually hoping to tell her this tonight, that I am falling in love with her and I don’t want her to have any doubt about that.”

Rick, taken aback by the response, urged Peter not to drop the L-word with his daughter unless he wholeheartedly meant it. But Peter must have meant it, because he did choose to express his feelings to her when they were alone at the end of the night.

“I know how I’m feeling about you, and I can honestly say that I am falling in love with you,” he said. “Just being here with you tonight with your family, it feels so right. And it makes me so happy.”

“I am in love with you,” Hannah Ann replied. “I’m devoted and I’m committed and I’m in it.”

RELATED: Can Venmo Predict Who Wins Peter Weber’s Season of The Bachelor? Some Fans Think So

Up next, Peter reunited with Kelsey in Des Moines, Iowa. They spent the day stomping grapes to create their own blend of wine, and Kelsey even dropped the L-word for the first time. While Peter seemed genuinely happy, he didn’t say it back — only that his heart was “definitely falling.”

That night, he met Kelsey’s mom Beth, stepdad Mike and a few other family members. During a one-on-one chat with Beth, Peter said he and Kelsey “connected on a such a deep and emotional level” early on. Beth took his word for it, but remained protective of her daughter.

“As a mom of three having gone through a divorce, I am concerned,” she said. “Nobody wants to have their child’s heartbroken. So, don’t break my girl’s heart.”

Then it was Madison’s turn. She and Peter spent the day shooting hoops at Auburn University in Auburn, Alabama, where her dad is a basketball coach. That night, he headed to her house for dinner to meet the family, where the topic of intimacy came up during a private discussion between Madison and her mom Tonya.

“I haven’t fully talked to him yet about how I view intimacy, and how I feel that is something that I have saved for marriage,” Madison admitted. “I don’t know how he’s going to respond to that.”

When Peter sat down with Madison’s dad, Chad, he revealed that he had already told Madison he was falling in love with her — but Chad still seemed hesitant.

“Obviously, this is all happening really fast for Dad,” he said. “How can you assure me that that’s genuine? She’s so pure. She’s shared her strong faith, her morals with you. That being said, do you feel like you guys are compatible?”

Peter felt they were, but there was little else he could do to reassure his potential father-in-law. “I just can’t give you an answer right now , and I’m sorry about that,” he said.

Alone with Madison at the end of the night, Peter once again expressed that he was falling “head over heels” in love, but she was still reeling from an emotional day.

“I think I was hoping to be there,�� she said. “I was hoping to tell Peter that I’m in love with him, but I’m still trying to figure out if our spirits and our souls are compatible and I think a lot is weighing on that.”

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Last but not least, Peter flew to Virginia Beach, Virginia, for his hometown date with Victoria F. They spent the day exploring the beach and boardwalk before she surprised him with a Hunter Hayes concert, where a group of fans formed to watch the performance unfold. And surprise, surprise — amongst the group of spectators was an ex of Peter’s. On the show, her face was blurred and she was referred to only by her first name, though she has since been identified as Merissa Pence.

She stopped Peter after he parted ways with Victoria F. following the concert and the two exchanged brief pleasantries. But the real reason she was there was to warn Peter about Victoria F.

“Just be careful,” she said. “I’m from here, and I just know what a good guy you are, and I would hate for who you are to be affected by somebody else. So that’s really all I’ll say. I know that you’re a great guy and I don’t think that you deserve what you’re on a date with right now.”

“I actually used to be friends with her and things happened, probably a few months ago,” she continued. “We’re just not friends anymore. I’ve tried to mend the relationship, just because we have mutual friends … but I just feel like I want to say this to you, because I know who you are and it’s a good person and I don’t think that you deserve that. There has been many relationships broken up because of her, and I don’t think it’s a good relationship for you to be in.”

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Needless to say, Peter — who said he dated Merissa “years ago” — was devastated and confused by the “complete bomb” she had just dropped on him. He had no choice but to bring it up with Victoria F. that night, just as they were preparing to head inside and meet her parents.

“You know how on our first date at that concert, you had an ex there? Today I had an ex there, too. Her name is Merissa,” he began. “We just kind of chatted for a little bit, and then she just brought some stuff to my attention that she thought I should know. She told me that you’ve caused a lot of other relationships to end — I don’t know what she could be referring to, but those are her words.”

Immediately, Victoria F.’s confusion turned to anger. She insisted she hadn’t broken up any relationships and said she was “disgusted” by Peter, accusing him of taking Merissa’s side.

“You’re supposed to meet my family,” she fumed. “And you decided what Merissa told you was more important than meeting my entire family.”

“Do you think I enjoy this right now?” Peter exclaimed. “Do you think there is any way I couldn’t address this?”

After a heated back and forth, Victoria F. stormed off in tears, waving the cameras away. Peter seemed exasperated, but he gave her a moment to cool down before approaching her again.

“I really didn’t come in here trying to attack you,” he said. “And if somehow it came across that I was taking her side and not yours, I’m sorry for that.”

“I adore you,” she told him, choking back sobs. “I literally wanted to tell you tonight that I was falling in love with you. And how am I supposed to do that? … I had such high hopes for you to meet my family and I’m just so disappointed.”

“You deserve to be loved, okay?” Peter said, hugging her. “Don’t push that away.”

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With that, they said goodbye — until the next morning, when she showed up at his hotel room to apologize for how things went down.

“I hate this, but I feel like you don’t even want me to love you the way I want to love you,” Peter said. “I get so confused when it just blows up with us and I feel like we have no communication skill and we don’t understand each other in that regard. It’s so good for so long and there are so many moments where I can totally see it … and then it just implodes. It’s the most terrifying thing for me to continue to want to invest, and then the possibility of you just walking away.”

Victoria F. insisted she was “trying so hard,” but acknowledged it probably wasn’t “good enough.”

“For some reason, I just can’t walk away from you,” she said. “You can make this decision. If you don’t want to continue with me, then I understand. But I can’t let you leave without letting you know that I’m falling in love with you.”

After an eventful week, everyone flew back to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony, with Peter himself still unsure of his decision. Despite not having met Victoria F.’s family, he said he could still see potential with her, whereas she seemed convinced she was going home.

“I’m so drained emotionally and I don’t even know how to feel,” she said. “I’m just hopeful, and I’m nervous.”

As it turns out, she was right to be hopeful. Peter gave the first rose to Hannah Ann and the second to Madison, saving the final rose for Victoria F. — and eliminating Kelsey in the process.

“I’m so sorry, and I know you probably didn’t see that coming at all,” he said as he walked her out. “Believe me, when you told me that you loved me, that meant the world to me. But I just — I wasn’t there.”

Stay tuned for the Fantasy Suites next week, and share your thoughts on tonight’s episode in PEOPLE’s exclusive Facebook group for fans of the franchise.

The Bachelor airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

from PEOPLE.com https://ift.tt/2HzMZt7