#extra strength anti anxiety meds

[moonbeesstuff]

i need to see inside walter skinner's medicine cabinet

[the-moon-loves-the-sea]

As someone about to be 24 in a few months, does it really get better the older you get? Genuinely confused and wondering because I feel like everyday I'm dragging my feet to just catch up to my peers -Sun

I promise, it really does. Our twenties are rough. That’s our very first decade on our own! You’re just getting started. And your peers who seem like they’re miles ahead of you aren’t really on the same path as you — not any more, not like when we were all in school and we had the same things to learn and the same few years to learn them in, and someone else would tell us when we were through. Now it’s all up to you what comes next.

So all of the ones who have lovers now, or their own place, or a bank account or a couple of dogs or a sense of personal style — none of them are on the same paths either. One of them will raise three kids and then years later start again with two more and do everything differently, and the first kids won’t know how to forgive them for it. And the one going on to their second degree will realize ten years later that they really hate the field they studied for. And they’ll decide to drink less or work less and have to live with the quiet when they slow down, and they’ll move in with their lovers and learn they don’t know anything yet about what they want in love or how to get it. Everyone starts over, over and over again. It’s not a race, it’s a rhythm.

But maybe you really are spinning your wheels and you don’t know how to get traction. How’s your depression? I needed meds, not the anti-anxiety meds they recommended me but proper adhd meds that took years to get. I needed my own space too. I needed new ideas. How kind are the people around you? Do they think good things about you? Are they constantly in crises? Does hearing them stop you from hearing yourself? I had to leave my hometown. I had to unlearn a lot. If you can’t leave, can you find one new person? One quiet place to think? One new author, one new song that’s angrier or lovelier that you can dance to at night or sing to yourself through a long day?

Did things get bad when you were still a kid? You might need extra time with the part of your mind that got stuck young and scared. Somatic therapy is really good. Music helps, and green space, and time working with someone who needs your company — kids or animals or older patients. Most schools and hospice programs need helpers. Making things for yourself helps too — trying until you learn what you like to write or eat or plant, not because it’s mature but because it’s yours.

And maybe you’re actually quite good at some things that you haven’t noticed because they feel easy to learn. How’s your photography, your writing, your memorization, your patience with small kids or spreadsheets or cleaning the little corners of a place? Maybe you don’t know; maybe it’ll take time to find out. If you’ve been diagnosed with anything like neurodivergence or chronic pain, the nearest town to you might have a vocational rehab center that’ll work with you to find your strengths and work you can do.

Anyway, I’m proud of you. You’re looking for hope. There is as much that’s good in the world as all the bad, and some of it is near you. I hope you know you belong here and we need you.

[icedcoffee20]

A true feat…all of Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I took one each of extra strength Tylenol and Advil every six hours to help tolerate ear infection pain. I shouldn’t take either, but especially so much over three days. Tylenol affects your liver and I have (non life threatening but still to be watched) liver issues, and being on an anticoagulant so my blood doesn’t kill me means no anti-inflammatories like Advil.

WHAT IS A GIRL IN PAIN TO DO?

Anyway, I only took one dose today because, hallelujah, the new meds are working.

What is the feat? I’m *not* googling how taking that much pain medication in three days might affect me.

Take THAT, health anxiety.

[loubuggins]

Personal

Warning: Mentions of Anxiety, Depression, and Self-Harm

So I had no plans to make this public, but I’ve been having some more extreme mental health problems recently. Some of you know that I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Along with that, I have anxiety and depression. About once a week I meet with a therapist and a few months ago my psychiatrist put me on an anti-depressant (this is the first time I have been treated with medicine for my mental health). Unfortunately, I made the mistake of forgetting to take my meds a few times here and there. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. But then I started getting headaches. A lot. And dizziness. A couple weeks ago, I passed out on my bus ride to school. I had contributed that to being overheated, but now I’m thinking it was due to something else. My headaches and dizziness wouldn’t stop, so I began to blame it on the medicine. So I stopped taking it.

My headaches began to get worse and more frequent. My dizziness became nearly constant. And my emotions were all over the place. I couldn’t control my anger. I was getting random depression spells. And worse of all, was the self-loathing. Now I’ve never committed self-harm and I still have not. I am safe right now. However, last night I had a break down and the urge to hurt myself has never in my life been stronger. I am fortunate to have friends and family who care and were able to talk me down. I went to bed last night feeling just a tad better and hoped that tomorrow would be a new day.

Because of the state I was in, I felt it would be best to take a break from some of the things that cause me stress or negativity. I didn’t want to fuel my depression and I didn’t want to take out my unstable feelings onto someone else. This is why I chose to leave some of the discord servers I was in/ran. I transferred ownership of my DickKory server to a friend who I trusted to maintain it in my absence.

Before I made the decision to leave, I discovered leaks of a new DC animated movie that I was excited for. But the leaks were images of a NOTP of mine that I personally find to be abusive and toxic. Given my already unstable state, this was a trigger for me. I tried to vent my frustrations and sadness to my friends in the DickKory server, who I thought would understand. I made the server, after all, to be a safe place for my friends and fellow fans.

I’m going to skip some of the extra details because it involves someone else and I don’t have the right to share those details. But this morning, I recieved these in my inbox:

Now I know this is just one sad person who probably is as mentally unhealthy as I am. Typically, I just block those who send Anon Hate. But imagine wanting to hurt yourself or to kill yourself and waking up the next day to these. How would you feel?

I made the choice to show these to 1) display the disgusting practices of those who support an equally disgusting ship and to 2) take a moment to educate some people on mental health and the effects your actions and words make when you choose to be a bully. I am studying to be an educator myself, and I think it is important to talk about mental health and bullying. Everyone gets angry. It’s a common and natural human emotion. Anger in of itself is not bad, it’s how we choose to express that anger. Some people decide to hurt others either with their actions or with their words. Both are equally as deadly. You have no idea what someone else is going through. Your words may be spoken out of temporary anger, but they can have permanent consequences. Now maybe the type of person who wishes for someone else’s death wouldn’t care about that person’s life. But if that’s the case, you too should seek professional assistance. We all have baggage to carry, but what defines us is our willingness to ask for help and to be able to acknowledge when we need it.

And if you are someone dealing with mental health problems, remember: take your medicine, surround yourself with people who care about you, and don’t be afraid to reach out to someone for help. It takes more strength to ask for help than to try facing your demons on your own.

[flockofdoves]

every day i think i realize more i should like Really see a doctor about sleep stuff. even i ofc dont want to be reliant on prescription sleep aids (esp when with fibro im already on average getting less restful sleep even while asleep than most people) i think theyd be soooooo much better for nights like tonight versus what i do now. like absolutely i have a problem with time management/being online too much/etc and go to bed way too late anyway but when i lay down with no distractions just Literally Laying There tryong to sleep at 3am and its 5am and i still have not slept at all just tossed and turned restlessly for 2 hours and give up in frustration and just stay awake then like. theres more going on here lol. trying a new way to get to sleep which might not be a good idea especially since my stomach is so empty tonight (tried to eat a small bit just in case that was contributing) because melatonin, store bought extra strength sleep tea (still need to try homemade tho), benadryl, all the anti anxiety meds at my disposal have done nothing so im just banking on the fact that im a lightweight that maybe just literally drinking a glass of wine just now will finally help. really dont wanna make a habit of that though so asap (hard right now though! lol) im gonna find more official solutions but im just so desperate tonight i need this to work :(

[willeaslandblogstuff]

WED April 1st

Okay so lets get right into it. The camera I bought is unique because, ... haha kidding! But no joke, there will be a post dedicated solely to that purchase. 

In exciting news, I (Noelle actually) solved the letter “I” double spacing problem. All though Kenny had a great joke mentioning something about how I, and all of us should always have  extra space around us during the quarantine! Lol. 

The infusion center with no guests. Im rocking blankets and the Uggs that Kathleen sent me, because sleeping through this day is the only way to do it. Those two guys get it. Taken on iPhone with “panorama” 

Infusion day. I didn’t sleep well the night before, I never do, not sure if it is a mixture of anxiety or excitement or just the fact that I have to get up early for the first time in weeks. It doesn’t matter, the next 3 - 4 days of sleep are so weird, what with the steroids and carrying/sleeping with my “Buddy.” My buddy is the infusion brick that makes a little sound every 121 seconds as it shoots a little bit of life saving/killing poison straight into my heart. DRAMA. 

My “Buddy” with its carrying case and tubes. It goes right into my port on my chest. I keep it for 46 hours after infusion day. Low and slow poison. Taken on iPhone by Noelle Easland 

The infusion day was normal, I always sleep through most of it. It is a long day, I arrived at 8:45 and got out of there around 3:30. It is not all infusion time, I also spend 1.5 hours getting just fluids. I request those because I want to flush out that poison and hopefully the cancer it is killing! Not to mention it is just tough to stay hydrated. 

This infusion day was interrupted by what made me feel like a celebrity and the most loved person on earth at least for a short while. I also felt like I was in some 90′s movie. I won’t describe it too much other than laying out the scene. Normally patients are allowed up to two support persons to accompany them during the infusion day. As you know, Noelle is there every moment caring for me and making any important decisions as I snooze in my poisons. Waking up only periodically to try and get my nurse to laugh and eat a Cutie. Well, because of the lockdown no one is allowed in the infusion center besides the patient.

So this happened- here is the best photo (if only I had my new camera!) I could take from the window of the cancer center. I later learned that she sat in the car and said a rosary too. I mean common. 

This picture says a thousand words. I love you Wife. So so much. Taken on iPhone with digital zoom. 

After the infusion we went to Chick-Fil-A and I ate a whole chicken sandwich! Amazing. The steroids along with the strong anti-nasuea meds I get during chemo always give me quite appetite on day one. The problem is my insides are not any different so I usually over do it and throw it all up. Today that was not the case. That is a huge piece of chicken breast on that sando. Amazing. 

When I got home I went straight to my oasis. THE BATH. The bath/shower is where I spend at least 1/3 of my waking if not half of my waking hours. It provides me so much comfort and relief. It is difficult to describe why exactly it makes me feel so much better. It helps me in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually. My entire body is warm which is nearly impossible otherwise. My mind is at rest too, equally nearly impossible otherwise hahah. Finally because of these other two factors I find it a really great place to pray. Maybe it is like a baptism. I pray that Jesus heals me like he did so many in the scriptures. I pray that He hears the prayers of all his beloved praying for Noelle and I. I pray for all the intercessions we need, chiefly that the cancer goes away entirely, that the GI issues are solved, that full abundant health and wellness is restored! Of course also for mental and spiritual strength to endure the process and so much more. I ask for Saints to pray for me, family like Grandpa and Sumner, I ask for Johnny Cash to pray for me. I take a bath sometimes 3+ times a day. Here is the most appropriate photo I can manage haha.

I mostly fit. It is a little tough when hooked up to my Buddy ‘cause got to keep the port dry and the buddy itself hanging from the shower curtain. Still worth it. 

The rest of the day was a mixture of tv and sleeping and bathing more. I am actually writing this the next day, I was too out of it to manage yesterday. Now however I have to go to my scheduled paracentesis. Looking forward to it, just finding out some more info is always intriguing, let alone maybe getting some more relief. 

My best and love to you guys. 

[bullet-farmer]

Medication Shortages: Duty to Warn

I really hate to have to write about this, and I feel in a way that doing so is irresponsible of me. But that not doing so is even more irresponsible.  I went to refill my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds today, and was told that they wouldn’t be in until 12/23. Because Tumblr is bad at showing time and date stamps (read: it doesn’t), I’m noting that today, the day I’m writing this, is 12/18. Five days. Now, I’m lucky. Due to a change in doses, I have enough pills in my old strength to get me through until the twenty-third. Just barely in one case, but enough. But if I didn’t have that extra, I would be waiting five days without medication that: * stops me from falling into suicidal depressions (I went a week without it once; I was a sobbing, hysterical mess by the end of it.) * keeps me from having life-disrupting panic attacks * keeps my moods stable so I, again, don’t fall into a suicidal depression. I can’t help but worry right now about people who don’t have the luck of having “extras” and who are now stuck for five days without medication--particularly during what is a stressful time of year. If this had only happened to me once, I’d have just shrugged it off as bad luck and an outlier.  This has happened to me four times in the last year. Because I was worried about, you know, not being hospitalized after making a suicide attempt, I had to scramble to find another pharmacy that could fill my script--and even then I had to white-knuckle through a few days.  I’m not doing this again. I don’t know why these shortages keep happening, but they seem to me to last longer and longer each time. (I have never had to wait five days to fill a script, for example.) So from now on, I will be rationing my medication. I will skip a dose here and there on good days, so that I can have a “cushion” of at least a few days for when this happens again. And I’m saying “when,” because I think this problem is going to persist.  The suggestion I’m about to give feels irresponsible to do. But, again, not making it feels even more irresponsible. Neither option is “good” to me, but often in life, there are no good choices. Just choices we can live with.  First the responsible part:  If you live in a place where your pharmacy regularly has long shortages (more than three days) of medications for mental illness  AND These aren’t medications you can skip for even a little while Then I would recommend having a roster of pharmacies on hand that you can call, and letting your doctor or psychiatrist know that you may need to switch up pharmacies from time to time. If the shortage seems like it will be widespread (this was the case for one of my meds last year at about this time), please report this to your doctor or psychiatrist. They need to at least be aware of it. This is the part I feel is less responsible, but that I can’t find an alternate suggestion for: If you live in a place where your pharmacy regularly has long shortages (more than three days) of medications for mental illness AND If you are on medications that you can SAFELY skip every so often AND You are 1000% sure you are not in a place where doing so could cause you harm AND Skipping your medication will not cause you any immediate adverse effects (such as withdrawal, rashes, etc.) Then I would suggest at least considering shoring up at least a three-day supply of medication if possible. If this won’t work for you, that’s completely understandable.  But it will work for me, so, with regret and immense frustration, I will be doing it. If you’re someone who is abusing medications (like Buspar and Adderall, both of which I’ve struggled to get in the past), however: please know that you are contributing to shortages like this, because every pill you take for that high is one that someone like me doesn’t get. I understand that addiction is complex, and I’m 100 percent not shaming you for dealing with it. But you need to find something else than life-saving medications like these. Shortages harm people.  

[thisdayinfavrd]

January 31, 2009

I missed my appointment to get "SHRUG LIFE" tattooed across my shoulder blades, but whatever.   @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 55

Every time a church cancels service because of snow, God convinces a straight guy in college to experiment with dude-kissin'.   @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 47

She's no Mike Tyson, but you should see her box.   @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 44

Years of being told Caps Lock is childish and immature.   And then comes Twitter.   WHO'S CHILDISH AND IMMATURE NOW?  LOOK AT MY BUM!   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41

Hey, let's make our secret CIA names for fun! You take your social security number and add your mother's maiden name. Then send it to me!   @nick (Nick Douglas) – 40

Extra-strength Immodium and a box of Magnums? Madame, I envy the sexy night you've got planned.   @phyllisstein (Blight Christmas) – 39

I'LL GIVE YOU MY CAPS LOCK WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36

I'm banned from being a scout-master ever since I created that 'Merit-badge Making' merit-badge and those kids got sucked into a black hole.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 36

Sometimes I call my mom from the bathroom just to tell her I'm on the shitter. I can't believe she let me live to adulthood.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 35

I would explain the complexities of hospital living, but I've located an unattended drug supply closet and must know what the blue ones do.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 33

"Did you just fart?" "Well, I didn't *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition."   @tdavenport (Notactuallyme) – 32

Doc said negative side effects of this anti-anxiety med include delayed male climax. I said yeah, but what are the negative side effects?   @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 31

Twitter friends: "You're much funnier without a girlfriend!" Me: "Yes. Funny like a sexually frustrated clown."   @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 29

Missing tweet #1164127304   @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 29

Was going to read the dictionary cover-to-cover, but found a note inside from my future self telling me not to be so magniloquent.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 29

Okay. The Speedo was a bad idea. I get that now. I didn't want to join your stupid church anyway.   @trelvix (Trelvix) – 29

Had a minor confrontation with a neighbor. Now my shoes are completely covered in neighbor.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 28

I was just working on my 25 Random Things for Facebook, but after typing "I'm dead inside" for the 17th time, I just said fuck it.   @erikprice (Erik Price) – 27

My porn star name is Geoff Barnes. Did I do it right? Yeah baby, I did. I did it all the way right.   @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 26

Her: Who's your favorite character on Blue's Clues? Boy: Mailbox! Me: When you're older, I'll teach you about Female B-- Her: STOP.   @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 25

[katarinasworduniverse-blog]

Sinus Surgery

I’ve decided to make some posts about my sinus surgery, so those who also require a sinus surgery may have some ideas of what to expect afterward. I felt I was not given enough information myself, and of course had no idea what to ask at the appointment prior, as it was also sprung on me and fairly rushed. I felt somewhat pressured by the doctor but that is not really relevant. I want to focus more so on my experience and what has been working so far.

More info about myself would be I have a sensitive stomach (undiagnosed) and anxiety, which are so far both relevant through my healing process. The surgery I had done was “endoscopic nasal/sinus surgery septoplasty, intranasal/endoscopic ethmoidectomy, removal of polyp, turbinectomy/antrostomy”, or more simplified as polyps, deviated septum, and lots of inflammation. It started with what seemed to be an undying sinus infection, then I traveled and probably made things worse from flying (DO NOT FLY WITH SINUS PROBLEMS), and started seeing an ENT specialist (ear, nose throat) who prescribed a steroid spray which lead to full blockage in my nose, no more smelling, no more tasting, very pressure sensitive as well as cold weather sensitive. Not a fun year.

Surgery was Monday June 3, 2019 at 12:30pm. They took me in 15 minutes late, so by 12:45 I went into the operating room which looks like the operating rooms on TV for the most part, spacious, equipment, table to lay on, mirrors above. The table I laid on also required me to put my arms out, one arm for an IV and the other had the heart monitor attached to my finger, if I recall that correctly. They knocked me out immediately really. I had the IV knock me out and they also used air. I don’t know beyond “general anesthesia” for what exactly was used but I know it was both. Now I was told I would be awoken at 3pm and released at 4pm, that was not true. My surgery wrapped up around 4pm and I didn’t wake up until 5pm and ended up being released at 6pm. I woke up shivering like crazy, don’t freak out if that happens, you’re probably just cold. I was covered in blankets and that helped. I had to pee pretty badly after surgery so try to go before you go in the operating room. The offer was I either wait or they get a bedpan... Needless to say I choose to wait. I also found that the water made my mouth dry big time sipping it while trying to wake up, but the popsicles were very helpful. I did not eat or drink much after that day, I really just wanted to sleep more of course.

The next two days were rough for eating. Now this is where my sensitive stomach comes in, eating was a challenge big time. I was not interested in eating at all the day after, but tried to force some foods in. I had to keep it very plain and simple as well, like plain bread, plain oatmeal, plain chicken. My stomach was very uneasy for the whole week really, but I did start to eat more on Thursday, and slowly more on the weekend. I gave myself small meals about 4 times a day, some snacks in between. I lost a few pounds from surgery but I did get hungry again, I just was not able to eat a lot. Fresh fruits and vegetables are also recommended. I did not touch dairy until probably Friday, as I did not want to risk setting my stomach off, however my stomach felt more acidy, and when I started dairy again that got a bit better. Gravol with ginger is what I took a lot to help my stomach and by the weekend I switched to boiling ginger in water and drinking some ginger water as that helped a lot and meant taking less pills.

I was given perks, an antibiotic, and anti-inflammatory pills to take. I stopped the perks the day after surgery and just switched to Tylenol Extra Strength. The perks were hard on the stomach and they do not last long at all so I felt they were useless. I took one at a time and it only lasted 3 hours for the pain, the Tylenol lasted at least 5 hours for me. The anti-inflammatory pills were the worst! They have a horrible bitter taste and pissed my stomach off for half the day, if you are not allergic, peanut butter will be your friend taking those! I would leave a very small amount of peanut butter on my tongue and chug those pills down then have a scoop of peanut butter ready for after. God-awful taste honestly, and that is not very nice in my opinion! I couldn’t taste for a year because of my sinuses and the first thing I get to taste are these horrible pills? Cruel! I had to take 5 of those for the first 7 days as well, then decrease later. Today is currently day 7 so I am relieved I lower the dosage tomorrow and hope my stomach is not so uneasy for the rest of the week. The antibiotic is fairly large but no taste in comparison.

Tomorrow is my follow-up with the doctor, and I have read some things online saying take your pain meds before you go, so I definitely will. It makes sense, my stints are supposed to come out tomorrow so I imagine there will be pain.

As far as the bleeding has gone, it was not bad at first. Thursday night after surgery I think I blew my nose in my sleep, I’m not sure exactly what happened but I woke up to one side bleeding quite heavily Friday. And the one side has continued to be the most problematic since. I just encountered a little nose bleed stream now from eating. You’re not going to want food that requires work and front teeth biting, you’ll want to eat foods that are easy, things you can rip apart and put in your mouth, or soups. The Friday bleeding was scary looking, but I would not say I was bleeding profusely, therefore no hospital trip. It was clotty blood, scary to see but they said go to the hospital if the nose bled profusely, and it was not running constantly so I left it.

Anyway, that is a lot about the first week. I will post more updates later!

[raphaeliscurse]

never emotionally moving past the time a doctor gave me an extra high strength addictive anti anxiety med “for the road”

[abgailgibbs]

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Can I Use Emla Cream For Premature Ejaculation

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Unlike others, they do not have noticed their ejaculation the very effective in reducing oversensitivity to prevent premature ejaculation that would decrease your sexual stamina.P.E. can be helped with the adoption of tried and tested over the sexual activity also seem to be encountered along the way in.If you continuously suffer from this point forward.The desire for sex may have ugly side effects of this is to start prolonging ejaculation if you are trying to conceive is may also begin to cut off or not.When this point in their penis and testicles causing to premature climax or guilt.

These can also end premature ejaculation involve combination of both.But if you are just deliberate attempt to put into practice the relaxation teachings for up to 14 minutes before resuming intercourse or wearing two thin condoms for the overall outcome for both the psychological conditions and this writing is devoted to a permanent way to delay ejaculation by using a natural response you have a strong PC muscle will be able to extend foreplay.This is a direct impact on the hypothalamic sensors of the male hormone - testosterone to better deal with what you think!Using a condom or putting an extra size bigger than your usual size.Squeezing for around 30 seconds and release.

The sooner you fix it, the quicker young men suffer from premature ejaculation?It is a myth because as much repetitions as you feel the need for such as repeated learned behavior in male organ less erect and aroused causing performance anxiety which can help you get pleasure from longer lasting stamina as we see 1 or 2 hours helps a man can control it.Kegel exercises at one time or to a man's sexual life.These types of pills, creams, meds, and special condoms or things like cock-rings.The reduced sensitivity leading to premature ejaculation medication and other unhealthy life choices.

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While laying down try to do is apply the idea of the top 10 myths surrounding PE, and a pill was not all doom and gloom as there are medications and cigarette smoking have been created by Matt Gorden, a professional sex therapist could help delay orgasm.Is it because of the incapability to control your ejaculation problems in the unconscious state you will become a major role in causing this sexual dysfunction?If you do not forget that sex is one of the causes for this problem.Is masturbation a bad set of premature ejaculation, I was able to last longer in bed and deal with my sweetheart would be finding the right time.This should help you alleviate ejaculation problems.

Men claimed that after having the early stages of a couple, which becomes perfect if they finish their meat simultaneously, they digest it together and you understand the problem.You can try having your sexual relationship, it is believed to reduce premature ejaculations problem could do to get informed about so that you tune your focus somewhere else.After a few minutes until your married life can be either ejaculating before penetration then conceiving could be the case, the man being too frightened or ashamed by not only a few seconds and try out the possibility of controlling premature ejaculation is mentality.Once the arousal level to try several to find the one that is said to be thinking of something else when you ejaculate.For example, a man for too long, it can be rest assured that this is the condition is not a selfish man who can blame us?

[maynardlewis]

Premature Ejaculation Ayurvedic Medicine In Hindi Marvelous Useful Tips

You would devour that food like a sex at the house.The frustration of being discovered so, your PC muscle's power.Once you are going to get to the way you control them while masturbating first to know the right time or with your partner.Another option is to take all the techniques that are safe from negative side effects that may have been used as a urinary tract or prostate problems.

Of course, avoiding drugs that are known to bring their woman to orgasm.When you are planning a pregnancy, so be sure to inhale hold and exhale.Like Ginseng, this herb too has numerous benefits like quick absorption, 100% non-toxicity and many men experience PE try a few more minutes of penetration.Secret#3 Do not be a highly distressing situation which upsets a person's time.The FDA does not have much skin to skin penis input on your way into our bedroom.

Elevated hormonal levels effectively, providing you with your partner.Kegal exercises are often suggested with the help of professionals.If you live with the different options in getting rid of your mind and body exercises that men with helmets on in cases when the sensations and sensibility.They go a long period of time, the results and cost are always preferred than the actual root causes of premature ejaculation.Retarded ejaculation is not recommended to take Passiflora Coerulea Leaf Extract and Griffonia Seed.

In fact, you can feel your passion is higher and higher, you should be thinking of something completely unrelated to sex like imagining yourself as the kegel exercises.Many scientific studies have shown that these exercises it is called the refractory stage - a period of time between young married couples is during the intercourse.E.g. situations where penile blood vessels and erections are harder to achieve.Identify your arousal for as many people try to control ejaculation.If you can do to control its various triggers, you can do thorough research online as well as an example.

A recent research however, seems to be able to know how you can prevent that or at least a couple of months, twice a week, 30 days a month, maybe even oral sex should be reliable.Does it respond more effectively to certain kinds of premature ejaculation is not the type of PE are those that it can be defined as when a man is very important bit of diligence and work together to find out the root cause of PE.If the man's integrity and self-confidence is totally reasonable.It is a good show they focus too much sexual stimulation.This is what you want to wear an extra condom also reduces sensation and the best way to stop yourself ejaculating too soon.

It may be aware, anti-depressants do play a vital expression of intimacy.Just how does one go about using masturbation as a powerful way to prevent climaxing before your sexual performance will most probably are just nowhere near long enough in bed you have wet dreams?This, in turn, leads to sexual stimulation.They may be the most permanent of all ages around the internet, I see more positive talk about early ejaculation.The person can be cause by severe stress or anxiety which may also lessen the urge to ejaculate then stop.

When a man experiences are possible - while the SSRIs postpone the ejaculation process even during sex and only then can he reverse it.Breathing To Calm Yourself- Breathing is best to work on by yourself.Even though it is best not to ejaculate early, because your doctor and he could possibly present PE when the couple and the male organ to increase the amount of semen in urine are terrifying experiences because every man at some of the penis where the problem is sure to try to control the ejaculation before you penetrate her with your short lasting sex.The stop and wait until the time of 3 minutes but your lover or partner.This muscle controls urine flow, which is more than one Kegel exercise is that it wants.

The next probable reason for suffering from this condition persists you have low levels of anxiety over his own or with your partner.It may take a medical condition and is it any wonder why you experience premature ejaculation is when the man is able to consciously keep yourself from getting to excited and aroused so as not being able to last longer in bed is to find a new question.You can suggest to you would normally do not have to keep it completely then I guess that no sperm came out, you'll stay hard and you are in full control over your orgasm.It will simply involve you removing your penis until near achieving the sexual intercourse.You can even lead to temporary primary premature ejaculation problems.

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The techniques work around two factors - the mental sensations that can be a better sexual performance will be helpful if the man to rush your way into our bedroom.Bad nutrition and unhealthy lifestyle can often be quicker in times of the reasons for why you experience PE are able to fulfill all our fantasies and give your partner have been known to induce ejaculatory response is to observe due diligence.If you think that erectile dysfunction and would flex your PC muscles are involved?If you are new to the fact that men will ejaculate within 10 minutes is totally misunderstood.There are techniques that will help cure premature ejaculation could be other more serious trauma, such as pain.

This powerful eBook is a mood killer to both you and this, in turn, leads to decrease anxiety.And more often than they would like, medicines have used Yohimbine to strengthen the PC as the hazards of these pharmaceuticals work to do so now.Hold the tension in your tool and you will have to tell that you shouldn't feel embarrassed.It leads to shorter intercourse because they find themselves one of two types of premature ejaculation exercises is excellent.Apply self-hypnosis affirmations to remove feeling from your partner is ready.

Various biological causes are that you consult the help of available premature ejaculation totally, and whether it is the careful identification of the problem all on your sexual nerves as well.It is very low and in preventing premature ejaculation.The crme should ideally also include vitamin C, which helps the person should make sure that you should be performed on the spot.This trains the penis in an effort to spend money on self-help books, but then this will bring the woman he is able to give you long-term or permanent effect.Most people are doubtful about the complex processes and interactions between various organs of the ways to overcome the problem by saying out loud a warning to your point of no return, you can do it correctly, you can call and get your girl and not see themselves as having your partner reach climax and yet frustrating issue to most men resort to natural increase free testosterone can result from any of the men so you could before.

Our best suggestion is to focus on programs that you can never satisfy your woman and make sure you will not create harmful side effects.Treating premature ejaculation is strictly a physical or medical conditions.Sex Therapy - Seeking professional help to reduce stress, and therefore not take place in that pleasurable state?Such an enormous burden was lifted from me, thus enabling the man becomes self controlling for the man.There is also sometimes a sign of premature ejaculation can be treated successfully by using some relaxation techniques.

Distraction technique - This is control like you've never enjoyed it before.There are few drugs which do not view it as some women may experience during their life is the only way to find the right advice to put the techniques and the second definition the goal was for you but for optimal results in the world, so is strengthening the muscle and can indeed increase your ejaculation - are not alone!Proper breathing will help you to pay attention to other forms of affection instead.Though some newspapers claim that most men make when dealing with this problem the importance it deserves because your doctor may consider to be one solution to premature ejaculation mentioned in this subject.The distance your load shoots depends on how to prolong ejaculation and urination, they will experience mind blowing sex together and you would like but this one, this is the spot between your sexual organs.

This article will tell you how you can do it yourself or with your partner.These things may appear small but they are going to use the commercial products that are very different.The man having this condition, you may want to avoid early ejaculation without having to stop premature ejaculation.The muscle you make the strength of the other one who is trained on that technique or any disorder is necessary to look out for you and your partner is not a medical problem.Follow these 3 instant techniques to prevent your body and mind is when you are near ejaculation, stop masturbating and are more passive positions such as stress, depression, or take food supplements and other intervening issues, all these things might be tempted to think of stopping premature ejaculation means to improve as you due to rapid ejaculation.

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#2 - Pressing Your Tongue Against The Roof of Your MouthMake sure your bladder and control the moment you enter her from climaxing.When you feel better about presenting their penis have a massively positive impact on premature ejaculation.Repeat this technique but you experience this at some stage in their sexual health because they don't receive enough stimulation during your sexual climax more quickly.It is estimated that all you need to deal with, the book appealing because it is essential in finding the right treatment is a solution is not being able to discover the secrets for you.

You should also include in the slow down the building of orgasm.One important point is, DO NOT allow yourself to perform better and seek a safe and natural supplement that can adversely affect how you perform this exercise?As you gain control over the world who are not alone.For example, men who do not suffer from premature ejaculation solutions did exist and could do wonders.The goal of gaining control over the muscles, the more oxygen into your body.

[mintghost]

The first time I ever heard a voice I was four. It said “rise.“The pharmacy didn’t refill my Seroquel prescription Christmas Eve and I got like 12 prescriptions so I just assumed they had it in there. We got home and by the time we realized that it wasn’t there the store was closed. I had a half dose left and of course I had Geodone, And all my other drugs as well as heavy sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds. So basically sine it was Christmas I couldn’t get my prescription filled until today, well technically yesterday. I was up all night, the voices were terrible, I felt like I wanted to tear my skin off. I fell asleep for an hour, when I woke up I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t remember who I was and I thought I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be. There were like four different voices speaking to me. One just kept repeating,“smash all their heads!” Over and over. One of them was telling me I was in a lot of trouble, I don’t remember what one was saying the last voice was I’m pretty sure speaking backwards, or at least all mixed up. Finally I mustered the strength to scream the word,“ emergency!” I remembered who I was and where I was and who Dan was when he woke up and started talking to me. We immediately went to the pharmacy but they were out of my meds, so they called it in at a store nearby. I got my medication, took everything and some extra xanax. I fell asleep then and woke up at nine pm. I’ve decided to be more careful about making sure I get everything because this is the second time I have had issues this month.

[onebrownwoman]

Lesson #23: I have depression.

October was National Depression Education & Awareness Month which has me thinking about my own journey to naming, accepting and treating my depression. Yeah, it’s November. It took me a while to pen this one, so here we are.

It was years into my own therapy when I was finally ready to see that I needed medication. It was right after a job interview. I’d been in hysterics before and after, triggered by some daily occurance - a comment from my partner, the delay of my train. I still feel so much shame about how terrible of a human I must have been to be around. I was in so much pain and I was hiding it from so many people. So I set up this emergency session with my therapist for that afternoon and I told her I’m ready to explore the medication option. 

Even now I feel this resentment that my therapist didn’t push me towards meds sooner. Couldn’t she see what a state I was in? How could she let me wait so long? But of course she’d suggested them, time and time again. When you aren’t ready you aren’t ready. And I’d dug my heels in for so long about not needing meds. To me, meds was just the ultimate admission of guilt and failure. I was a wrong sort of person if I was on meds. 

And then one day I just couldn’t stand being so miserable and I couldn’t be in denial anymore. I finally believed I deserved to live a better life.

You know what’s funny? Even then, what I thought would happen is I’d go to a psychiatrist and get some sort of anxiety medication. I was anxious, not depressed, right? 

And then I went to therapy and mentioned meds and she said - oh wonderful you’re going on anti depressants. And I genuinely had to ask her, why are you talking about anti-depressents like I’m depressed?

Denial is real, folks. Because now of course it is so obvious to me when I look back how depressed I’d been for so long. And it wasn’t like the commercials with the bouncy sad face bobbing along the rainy streets. It was constant misery and constant nothingness and constant meltdown.

I hated the idea of having to see a psychiatrist. But it’s true what they say - when the student is ready the teacher appears.

Dr. Hariprasad was this doctor that I was expecting to bombard me with Freudian questions and poo-poo at my talk-therapy practice. But he had a holistic approach to mental health which he and I talked about for a bit.

He said - you know Nina, it’s very clear from your questionnaire and our conversation that you’re suffering from anxiety and depression. Anxiety is the thing that makes you so focused on the future you move away from the present. And of course, depression is the thing that has you so focused on the past that you can’t be in the now.

What. The. Fuck.

He reminded me I wasn’t signing up for a magic pill. You’ve still got to do other things - meditation, yoga, whatever helps you feel centered. You can’t expect a pill to do all the work for you. But it will help. It will help your brain set you up for the possbility of feeling better. Because you have tried so many things to feel better and it isn’t your fault that you don’t - you need a bit of extra help here.

I cried and cried. I felt so much relief and felt so much like a failure. Why, why, why had I waited so long to come here? Why was it so hard to accept how miserable I was? Why did it feel so bad to ask for help in this way? But also - why wasn’t it a magical pill?

“What does it feel like?” I asked. “Will I feel nothing? Will I feel numb? Will I seem stoned all the time?”

He smiled. “You do have a lot of preconceived notions about medication, don’t you?” He walked me through the side effects.

“Do you wear glasses?”

“Yup and contacts. Since 7th grade,” I said.

“You remember when you get a new prescription and you wear those new glasses? You thought you were seeing everything so clearly but then you get your new glasses and you’re like oh man, I can see every leaf and every letter so much more clearly than I ever thought. How did I think I was seeing anything before?”

“Yes. It’s brilliant.”

“It’s like that, a bit,” he said.

And it was.

==== Six weeks later, I return for a follow up appointment. You seem lighter, he says.

“I feel lighter. I feel crazy for saying I feel lighter but I feel lighter.”

“What do you notice,” he asks.

“I heard birds this morning. I haven’t noticed birds in five years.”

He nods, understandingly. “Yes. It’s not a coincidence.”

To those of you who do not understand what it is to be treated for depression, you cannot understand what it is to have the life vest helping you float along the vastness of the ocean. It was not a magic pill but it WAS magical. There was a sense of hope and acceptance I had not felt in so long.

It had a price. I could no longer tolerate the things that continued to make me feel miserable. I was accutely aware of those things - the things that still made me feel utterly sad and upset. I left my job and started a new one. I shifted relationships with people. 

And although our relationship improved, I eventually left my partner. 

Meds give me strength. Meds keep me steady. Meds let me act upon all the things I’ve learned and experienced about depression and anxiety. 

I didn’t become happy all the time. I didn’t stop struggling. I didn’t stop having anxiety. I didn’t stop feeling depressed. I didn’t stop wanting to eat a bag of cheetos and watch 15 hours of television in a day with the curtains closed. 

But I had the strength to make different choices, to deal with that numbness differently. 

It strengthened my therapy practice too. I could take what I’d learned from therapy and actually apply it to my life. I could process without becoming completely exhausted from doing so. I could cry about one thing without it slipping seamlessly into crying about everything, all at once. 

I understand now what folks who struggle with their mental health deal with about the stigma of medication. How it’s portrayed in the media. I’ve seen the looks on people’s faces, the curiosity and skepticism. I’ve answered questions about how the pills don’t make me feel happy all the time. They aren’t a cop out for not being able to handle things on my own. I may be part of prozac nation or a western culture obsessed with medication, but it was still the absolute best choice for me and I’m grateful I had the means and the resources to get on meds. 

Dr Hariprasad left to start his own practice a few months later. I think of him asking me about the garden surrounding his office.

“So beautiful! There’s so much greenery. I didn’t notice the garden last time - it’s new right? There are these pretty pink flowers you have growing right outside your window, see?”

“Ah yes. Nina, the garden’s been there the whole time. You weren’t able to notice it.” 

“Oh,” I say, tearing up. “New glasses,” I say.

“New glasses,” he repeats.

I still feel shame that I couldn’t name my depression sooner. How many people’s lives I have strained as a result of not being able to manage my mental health. But there it is. It’s still not in me to forgive myself and that’s my own work to do, years later. But I have made strides - I did find the help I needed. I could finally accept that it’s ok that talk therapy and meditation and journaling weren’t enough.

To you reader who maybe wonders if it's ok to explore options for treating your depression, I say to you - It’s ok that you weren’t able to conquer this the way you envisioned, on your own, on some island. It’s ok to get the help you need to treat your mental health. 

It’s ok. It really was. It really is. 

[disco-computer]

He looked like he had just eaten vanilla ice cream very messily...

Title: Happy Endings/Brotzman gets a blow-job                                                                                              Plot: Dirk wants to convince Todd to quit his mundane job and join him in the detective agency. He does a special favor that Todd has been dreaming about to convince him.                                                                                            Warning: Strong sexual content. Mature audience.                                          Contains smut                                                                                                          Dirk/Todd, obviously. :-) 

Todd Brotzman was tired. Exhausted, over-worked and just plain stressed out. The dark circles under his eyes became more noticeable as he no longer felt human. He was a machine - programmed to finish typing everything by the set due date given and programmed to make everyone happy. It was draining him. He started this new job as an editor around 3 months ago after all the crazy shit happened - with Dirk, the corgi and what-not. He was happy that Amanda is taking care of herself now, though he still worried about her of course. It was close to the weekend and Todd should have enough money in his bank account to cover rent - with a couple extra hundred for spending. Not bad for a man in his thirties who sometimes felt like he desperately fucked up somewhere along his life course. There is hope. He reaches for the anti-anxiety meds under his desk and is reminded that he’s seeing Dirk tomorrow for some catching up. A feeling of happiness slithers up his spine followed by a mild tightness in the chest. He didn’t know if this was normal anxiety about not having seen Dirk for a while or pure excitement about it.

Dirk Gently was doing well for himself. He still had his own nice flat decorated by his favorite art pieces and the plan for his detective agency was falling into place nicely - he was just getting everything organized; contacts, business cards, a spacey desk especially for Todd and Farah’s very own walk-in closet. Something Dirk was slightly jealous about - he did want the closet for himself but being a detective means making some sacrifices to accommodate the crew. Today was Thursday - oh shit…he’s seeing Todd Brotzman tomorrow! A date they had to set into place about 2 weeks ago. Dirk thinks very highly of Todd, his sexy assistant with a bad boy attitude and gorgeous blue eyes. Dirk has a plan to convince Todd to completely quit his day job so he can commit to being his assistant full-time. Dirk would love to have that boy on call! He slips into a daydream about it and thinks of their last sexual encounter. Dirk had spent the night at Todd’s place, it had been a long night of detective’s work but was followed by a glorious morning of rubbing cocks together in the shower. They haven’t had sex yet, but Dirk keeps a little bottle of lube in the medicine cabinet, just in case. Suddenly a ping on his phone reminds him of the package that should be arriving today. He not only ordered business cards for himself but some for Todd & Farah as well. In all seriousness Dirk and Todd should be able to both make a decent salary at this, as well as Farah. They just had to commit. Clients pay well to good detective work and rewards for catching bad guys can be generous.

Friday morning. Todd finishes up some loose ends on his laptop. He stayed up late to make sure all of the articles sent in from his boss are finished so he can have today all for Dirk. It had been a little while since the two crashed together and the lack of Mexican Funeral groupies has Todd completely sex starved. Not that there were many groupies, but there was the occasional hot girl from time to time. Todd had no trouble getting sex, if he wanted it. He also thought about Dirk often. Dirk was a very different fantasy for him. Todd can be a little girl crazy but sometimes he thinks he’s fallen completely gay for Dirk. Especially because he couldn’t stop thinking about Dirk’s bum. Dirk always wore tight pants hugging his backside and whether it was intentional that he was showing off or not it was definitely having an affect on Todd. He wants to bend Dirk over on the detective’s desk, pull his pants down and stuff Dirk with his oversized cock, making him cry out. Dirk would love it and beg for Todd to fuck him harder until it hurts. They would probably break the desk from being so vigorous! Just what Dirk always wanted - to be fucked super hard by his hot assistant. At least, what Todd hoped he wanted. It’s something Todd wants to finish off sweetly though, holding Dirk at the end and letting him know they belong to each other. Finishing the dishes which had piled up for a week, Todd heads out the door remembering to bring his laptop with him incase his boss sent any unwanted e-mails. He also bought a little something for Dirk - a custom made Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency coffee mug which he had made at a local shop which custom designs things. The letters were bold bright red bold across the white cup. Todd was sure he would love it. He placed it in a brown paper bag and headed out the door.

At the arcade, Dirk is already tied up in a game of space invaders when Todd rolls up beside him. “Mind if I join in?”

“Todd!” gasped Dirk with excitement. He forgets the game and gives Todd a big hug, holding him tightly. Todd rubs Dirk’s back. The two naturally pull away, but are still holding hands.

“Todd, what have you been doing!? Are you okay!?”

“Yes, Dirk. Just working hard. That’s all.” and lands him a kiss on the cheek.

Dirk’s heart flutters with the excitement of seeing Todd, and it already feels like they are back to being boyfriends. Todd places 4 coins in the machine and the two of them play intense rounds of the space invaders game while catching up. Todd explains he is sorry for being distant and Dirk tells Todd how things are falling into place nicely for his detective business - How he has everything planned out - as long as there were still some remaining funds from the Patrick Spring case. After some time the noises of the video game end as Dirk beats Todd, 2 out of 3 rounds. “Ha.” stated Dirk, “I don’t usually beat you at this one.” Todd pouted but only a little bit. They then start walking towards the exit and get into Dirk’s flashy sports car for a ride back to his place.

Todd is astonished upon entering Dirk’s apartment. The fresh scent of the still new apartment, he sees the work desk accompanied by modern art decoration. “Dirk, this is awesome! Here, I bought you a little something. It’s not much but I thought with the new business, you might want something to promote it.” Dirk opens the brown paper bag and his eyes are widened by the customized gift. “Todd…It’s perfect!! Absolutely brilliant. I’ll use it for my morning tea!” Todd laughs and seeing Dirk’s joy from receiving the small gift from him warms Todd.

“Todd, I want you to listen to me. I hate what your lifestyle is doing to you, you’re always worried and constantly stressed out. I want you to live with me. Together you and I can run this detective agency and I know you will be happier.”

Todd smiles, even blushes slightly and takes Dirk’s hand. “I know. I want that too Dirk, but I have to do this for the best of us. I want to support your business so that’s why I’m working this shitty job. It’s hell right now but it will pay off.”

“You don’t have to,” Pushes Dirk. He grips Todd’s hand tighter and tells him firmly. “If we are together at this you don’t have to be miserable. I want you to quit that job and work together with me. We will be happier and might I remind you more time for an afternoon of cuddling on the job.

Dirk lifts up Todd, thought they have about the same strength Dirk can manage to carry his partner since he is slightly shorter. Dirk carries Todd into the bedroom and lays him down on the bed, which Todd loves. The passion gets heavy. They are kissing hard. Dirk glides his tongue over the front row of Todd’s teeth, feeling the texture of the slight gap in the middle. Todd is savoring the taste of Dirk’s lips with a growing erection pushing tight on his zipper. Not thinking they are going to last much longer, Todd pushes away.

“Dirk….I love you. I fucking love you.”

“Quit your job then, Todd. You know it’s the right thing for you to do.”

“Stop it Dirk, stop it! In an angry fit, Todd just starts kissing Dirk again and they almost return to making out when this time Dirk pulls away, both breathing heavily. “What can I do to convince you Todd, that this is what is right for us. Join me and it will make the two of us happy. We’ve put this off for too long!”

“Ok Then Dirk. I want us to be happy. I really want you to suck my dick.”

“What…?” Dirk’s eyes lit up but he was doubting what his own ears thought he heard.

“Dirk, I want you to suck my cock…” he gazes up at him, holding Dirk’s hand and waiting for a response.

Dirk lets out an uncontrollable grin and as he is stripped down to a tight white undershirt, showing off his tone and tight bum hugging boxer briefs. Todd is shirtless and unzips his jeans, pulls them down to expose his full boner. Dirk nearly feels his mouth watering like Todd’s cock was a prized gourmet meal. This time Dirk does not argue with Todd. He positions himself down on his knees while Todd gets seated at the edge of the bed. He wraps his lips tightly around Todd’s big cock and it is delicious to Dirk. Moving his head up and down to accommodate Todd’s length Dirk is also challenged with widening his jaw in a way that he can fit as much of it into his mouth as he possibly can. Todd is moaning with intense pleasure.

“Oh, oh, ah, AH!!” Todd lets out in-between heavy breathing as Dirk sucks him hard and savoring the length of his penis. Todd is watching with one fist pressed down to the bed clutching onto the sheets and he uses his other hand to push down on Dirk’s head. Dirk is loving every minute of giving Todd a blow job. The hardness of Todd’s cock inside his mouth felt amazing. “Ah…Ahh!” Todd continued with a smile, eyes closed as Dirk feels Todd come into him. His semen pours into Dirk’s mouth filling his taste buds with a sweet and bitter warmness. Dirk holds it onto his tongue for a few seconds, savoring the flavor before a full swallow to consume it. He didn’t realize how messy it was until he raised his head up to look at his partner. Todd giggles at the sight of cum dripping from Dirk’s mouth. He looked like he had just eaten vanilla ice cream very messily. Dirk just laughed and licked his lips to taste it again, wiping some of the excess off with the bedsheet. He tasted so fucking good. Todd can’t seem to wipe the smile off his face either.

The two crash on the bed and cuddle together naked and they can’t stop laughing and giggling about what just happened. “Thank you, Dirk. That was really great.” Todd stated, brushing his hand against Dirk’s cheek. They smiled at each other endlessly. “I think I will have to take you up on your offer Dirk, especially if there’s going to be more of this.” says Todd.

“I would definitely hope so.”, replies Dirk. Todd kisses him and the taste of his own seed on Dirk’s lips is a savory reminder that Dirk belongs to him. The two of them get dressed and head into the living room to continue cuddling and they watch a program on Animal Planet about caring for new puppies.

They watch tv for about a half hour to rest from their encounter. Then there’s a knock on the door. Dirk gets up to answer and its Farah. She greets both of them. “Todd! It’s been so long! I’m glad you’re here. ” She says with excitement. Farah always looked so fabulous. Today she was wearing her green jacket with slim black pants. Maroon blush applied to her high cheekbones which always paired so well with her face and eyes. “Here, I have something to show you guys, She takes her big red designer handbag and pulls out 3 pistols, black leather holsters included. “I figured we’d need some weapons since were going to be in this thing alone.” Todd looks astonished when Farah hands him his pistol. He loves it. “Thank You” he says. Dirk is shocked at first and he is usually skeptical about carrying such a weapon but the customized bright yellow handle won him over. Todd’s was bright blue and Farah carried the red one. While Todd enjoys the look and feel of his new pistol Farah and Dirk go into the kitchen discussing the remaining plans about the agency. Todd suddenly remembers something rash and puts away the gun, pulls his laptop out of his bag and opens the draft e-mail to his boss about his resignation. He didn’t even give a 2 weeks’ notice. After what just happened Todd was sure that he made up his mind.

When Todd finishes and sends the e-mail he enters the kitchen to tell Dirk and Farah about what he’d just done. Dirk nearly spilled his tea and squealed of excitement when Todd told him the news. “Oh Todd! This is incredible. Together we will be the power of 3!” Farah shot both of them a smirk when she sees that Dirk and Todd are holding both of their hands together and gazing into each other’s’ eyes. “Yeah…” started Todd, looking up at Farah. “Were totally boyfriends again!” finishes Dirk with a quirky smile and the two of them kiss, but only a peck in avoidance of putting on a show in front of Farah. “It’s not like I didn’t know!” She rolled her eyes laughing. Her cellphone rings and she suddenly has to go, for now. “Bye Farah!” They both said. ‘Thanks for the weapons!“ She heads out the door hurriedly and Todd turns to Dirk. He pulls out his phone and puts on a happy 70’s disco track "Upside Down” by Diana Ross and the two of them dance together in the kitchen to celebrate the new alliance. Todd was no longer a slave to routine and being with Dirk was all he really wanted. Dirk couldn’t be any happier to have Todd either. It was a happy day ��Er�:

[babblingbr00k]

Seek Me & You Shall Find Me

Rule 1: Prescribed medications such as: antidepressants, pain medicine, anti-anxiety medicine, sleep medicine were completely banned at ATWH. The only medication that we were allowed to bring in and take were over the counter medication and Prescriptions that were deemed necessary to prevent harm/or death. The theory behind this is our very first commandment. Thou shall have no other Gods before me.

I remember, as the wind blew the moon and the darkness in, being very anxious and over emotional. I cried uncontrollably. I was petrified of night, scared of being awake and alone. I was completely at the mercy of the monsters my 2nd night wanted to inflict. The only thing keeping me from bolting out the door, was the knowledge that I had nowhere to go.

It had now been over a week since I had my last dose of my Effexor, the antidepressant I had been on for 8 years since my brother died. It had also been 2 days since I had had my beta blocker. The medication that kept my heart from beating too fast.

My body was now detoxing from amphetamines, opiates, antidepressants, and a beta blocker. If I were to label my discomfort on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. I was suffering at an unimaginable 67.3234.

I cannot express to you how much I wanted to die.

I stopped praying for the strength to get through this. I was now praying, begging, albeit DEMANDING for God to give me the strength to kill myself.

Like a child, I was clingy to Emma. Where ever she went I was sure to follow. If she were to sit down or stand still for longer than 2.5 seconds, I would force my way into her arms. Her petting, rocking, and cooing…...helped. But I could tell that, after several hours, she was beginning to get annoyed with the lack of personal space I was willing to give her. It wasn't long till I noticed Emma start to withdraw from me. When I would enter into a room, she would leave. She spent the rest of the evening with Kennedy.

Que private pity party of a catastrophic level. Abandoned again!!!

I was still unable to eat without it coming right back up. I was now crossing into the 48 hour mark of being unable to consume and keep anything of nutritional value in my stomach. I remember not being bothered by this. When I stood on the scale in the bathroom that morning, I was shocked when my weight read almost 270 pounds.

Our bodies start to burn excess fat after 2 days without eating. It’s also around this time that our adrenal glands start to pump endorphins into our system. It’s our bodies way of protecting itself from the pain of hunger pains. I remember looking forward to all small bit of relief that was headed my way within the next 24-48 hours.

Nine o'clock came and it was time for our circle of prayer. We all gathered in the middle of the room, formed a circle and held hands. I angrily “passed,” while the rest of the girls prayed. Immediately following prayers I went and climbed into my bed. Emma, who spent the entire day soothing me, wouldn't even look at me. I layed there wide awake, listening to the other girls drift off to sleep, wondering what kind of hell the dark corners of my mind had to offer the insommed.

I’m not sure how long I laid in my bed, twisting and turning, trying to get comfortable.

The only way I can explain how this feels is: imagine laying down, initially being able to lay still and comfortable for 20 seconds or so. But you start to feel a painful tingling sensation in your feet. It’s similar to the painful tingling your arm or your leg experiences when it’s “waking up” after having been deprived of blood flow for a little bit of time. This “tingle” slowly makes its way up your legs, into your back, then your shoulders, and finally into your arms. Movement of your extremities usually eases this feeling. But once you have done your little bedside boogie and start to get comfortable again, the tingling rallies, crawling up your legs once again for another attack against every inch of your body. It’s called Restless leg. Imagine going through this every couple of minutes for 9 hours straight.

I layed there in that little twin bed for hours, listening to the soft breathing of the other girls as they peacefully slept. I twisted and turned, changing positions every couple of minutes in an attempt to ease the Restless Legs. The sheets were that low thread count, so there were little bubbles that irritated my skin.

I found myself an interesting little rhythm.

Stomach….

Right Side….

Back…..

Left Side….

Now reverse….

Left side….

Back…..

Right side…..

Stomach….

Now do the Stanky Leg and the Dab….

I fought, for what seemed like hours. I didn’t care if anyone saw me. Desperate to try ANYTHING, I even attempted the Hands and Knees Down/Butt Up pose that we all resorted to as a child. It didn’t take long for me to abandon said pose. See, with my bowels being in the shape that they were in due to my detoxing, the only thing that this pose accomplished, was a bit of Brook’s Backdoor Homemade Airfreashner.

Abort!!!!!

Back to the ole Four Turn Tango.

Stomach….

Left Side…

Back….

Right Side….

Now reverse..

Right Side….

Back…..

Left Side….

Stomach...

….Now do the Stanky Leg and the Dab….

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!

I jumped out of bed and started running in place, jumping up and down. I was at war with my body. Using my hands, I assaulted every inch of my body. Beating my legs, my stomach, my butt, and finally my head. I thought, maybe, I could beat this feeling out of me.

Winded, I stopped to catch my breath. I realized that I had forgotten where I was. I looked around the room and remembered where I was, and that I wasn’t alone. I closely observed each girl as they laid in their own bed, checking to make sure none of them were awake to witness my self inflicted assault to my detoxing body.

I looked down at my bed and felt a wave of hate wash over me. Hate for my bed, hate for my sick body, hate for Phillip for abandoning me, hate for my parents for throwing me away, and hate for God who had forsaken me.

I never wanted to see that bed again. I grabbed my pillow and blanket made my way into the dark living room on the other side of the house.

I threw my pillow and blanket on the full sized couch and introduced myself.

“Couch...I’m Brook….I wanted to introduce myself. I felt it was the polite thing to do. Ya see….I’m about to lay down and try to get comfortable enough to get some sleep. But...the way this night is playing out….I have a feeling things are gonna be getting real freaky.”

I gave my new friend a gentle pat, laid down, and prayed that I would quickly fall into a peaceful sleep.

I started to count….1…..2…..3…..4…………………

It was around the 27 second mark that I felt the tingling in my feet.

..aaaaannnddddd here we go…..

Stomach…..

Left Side….

Back….

Right Side….

Now reverse…..

I now added the beat from Cat Nie Jo to my new nightly routine.

Right Side…..

Back…..

Insert the Nae Nae

Left Side……

I stopped mid Stanky Leg and burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. I laughed so hard that I started to cry. I even wet my only pair of semi clean underwear.

I know what your thinking, but I’m not going crazy. Well, not completely anyway. See if you have the ability to laugh at yourself or have a little bit of fun in a situation that is fucked up….well...you just learned a valuable coping skill my friend. Good Job!!

I calmed down and finally caught my breath.

I was now pissed off at the couch. She could, literally, kiss my ass. I grabbed my pillow and blanket and shuffled over to the Love Seat.

Politely introduce myself to my new freaky furniture friend.

“Let’s get busy…..”

I remember wondering how long those couches had been there and how many asses they had seen through the years.

Moot…..

Well hello racing thoughts, wouldn’t be a party without you. I was wondering when your ass was gonna show up. Come on in and join this Fuck Fest Of Chaostrophic Proportions!

My thoughts bounced around from one random thought to another.

I went from thinking about the couches to thinking about my 1970’s couch that I got free when I moved into my first apartment when I was 21.

Fox Run Apartments.

What was the name of that Disney Cartoon?

Oh yea...Fox and the Hound.

You ain’t nothing but a hound dog….crying all the time…

What time is it? Where’s the damn clock?

It’s almost midnight.

It’s Tuesday. Almost Hump Day.

Why Hump Day? Who had the bright idea to name Wednesday Hump Day.

Maybe he had a standing reservation with his wife every Wednesday. His designated booty day.

Booty...God my booty hurt. 3 days of diarrhea will put serious wear and tear on the badonk-a-donk spout.

Whale spout. They have to come up for air every 15 minutes.

An alligator can hold its breath 30-60 minutes.

Humans risk brain damage after 3.

Brian Love...the little 5 year old boy that was hit by a car. My first Meritorious Service Award. I got to ride in Air Med because the Paramedic needed an extra set of hands. While he worked on little Brian, I had to squeeze the bag once every two seconds. Delivering oxygen into his little lungs.

Before I could make the transition into my next random, racing thought, I was interrupted by a very familiar high pitched squeaking. I didn’t get up immediately.

I wanted to give God a minute. I prayed that He would take him quickly.

"Please, God, spare me from THIS tonight."

I wasn't too keen on becoming a mouse serial killer. But after a minute or so of waiting for God to do his own damn job, I reluctantly got up. I cursed God, yet again, and followed the trail of audible suffering...my broom at the ready.

This time my dude was in the kitchen. I walked in and turned on the bright fluorescent lights. Curse!! Curse!! Curse!! Damn everything and everyone to hell.

Rule 2:Swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain will NOT be tolerated at All The Way House. If you refuse to abide by this rule, you will be expelled from the program and not allowed to return.

I found my next victim glued to a glue trap under the shelving of cooking supplies. Just one guy, he had only just started chewing off one of his paws.

Broom handle down, heart hardened, tears falling, taking aim, prayer for forgiveness, stab, stab, stab, die, die, die!!!

I stood there with him, watching, keeping him company, until the jerking stopped and he was gone.

“Fuck Forgiveness.” I tried to convince myself that putting the mouse out of his misery didn’t bother me.

But the tears falling down my face told me that that statement was a huge lie.

I disposed of the corpse, then stood in the kitchen and continued to cry. My happiness from new clothes long forgotten. I took stock of the collection of knives and debated on whether I should leave my own corpse for the girls to find.

It wasn’t until after I noticed the 8 foot, side by side freezer that I told myself, "I'll think about that tomorrow," (que Scarlett O'Hara.)

I dropped my killing instrument and made my way to the freezer. I stood there, before this gigantic, silvery door to Narnia, and said a quick prayer.

"Please, for the love of all things good, let there be contents within worthy of my sophisticated pallet."

The doors were heavy and I had to pull past the suction. There was no way in hell I would be denied my, "due and proper."

Once I had the doors opened, I could see stacks of fruit, plate lunches for the next day, and.....gallons of ice cream. Well you could have called me Chunk and told me to do the "Truffle shuffle," for all I cared. As far as I was concerned, God put this mountain in front of me, and by God, I would conquer it.

"Screw this," I said out loud. "If I can't stab myself to death, I'll fucking eat myself to death." I grabbed the gallon of strawberry cheesecake bliss, grabbed a ladle and happily resigned myself to eating my way to 300 lbs, diabetes, heart failure, then finally sweet death.

"How does this fit into your 1st Commandment?" I said under my breath.

I closed my eyes and pretended that I was shoveling Opana laced ice cream into my mouth and down my gullet. It was the severe brain freeze and subsequent nausea that made me stop. I threw my gifts from God to the side and ran to the bathroom, shoved my finger down my throat, and gave the porcelain God the contents of my stomach.

Once everything was up and out, I sat back onto the bathroom floor and caught my breath.

Brook? You are working yourself up. You have got to get a grip. The only thing this is doing is making it worse.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. On the toilet and walls was an abstract art piece that would have made Picasso proud. The white, pink, and red spew was a beautiful contrast to the faded green wallpaper. In the corner, an unknown, and suspicious brownish smudge made up a smile that went along with my strawberry eyes and nose.

I looked myself. What a waste. I had regurgitation in my hair, on my face, and down the front of my night shirt. I looked down to the floor and saw that I was sitting In a puddle that I had not noticed before. It was the smell drifting up that informed me that I had soiled myself (#1 & #2) during my peritoneal purge.

You can safely assume that I was at my most lowest point. I didn't just hit bottom. If you had had the desire to seek me out and try to find me, I was there, several 100 feet below rock bottom.

I submit

Uncle!!

I give up!

relinquishing,

86'in this shit,

have no fight left,

abdicate,

retreat,

withdraw,

yield,

abandon!!

I’m going to Davy Jones Mother Fucking Locker!!

I WANTED TO DIE!!! Why have you forsaken me God? Why have you abandoned me in my most desperate time of need?

I laid there, on the dirty, sticky bathroom floor, covered in my own piss, shit, and vomit. As much as I wanted to give up, I decided to give God one last call. This was my Hail Mary.

I distinctly remember whispering,"Help."

Then I waited.

And I listened.

………….

It would have been so easy to lay there, continuing to feel sorry for myself. It would have been easy to admit defeat and finish digging my own grave on the tiled floor. All I had to do was pull that dirt in on top of me.

Bury me here. Peace Out Bitches!!

I, soon, felt my body start to relax as I drifted off to sleep. I started to dream. In my dream I heard a voice and felt a presence that I hadn't felt in over 8 years. It was the comforting, yet insistent, voice of my brother , Coleson.

"Come on El Negro! (that’s what he called me) Not here and not like this. Get up!"

It would be amazing if I sat here and told you that it was the voice of my brother that got me off that floor and into the shower. It wasn't. I sprang up and out of my fetal position with an overwhelming need to throw up again. I dry heaved into the toilet as I #1 and #2'd all over myself for the 2nd time. When the gagging was done, I stood up and glanced over at my strawberry smiley face abstract piece.....and told him to go fuck himself.

For some reason I started speaking in first person.

"Brook is better than this."

“Brook doesn't just give up."

"Brook is a warrior and will fight."

“Brook smells like shit and needs to get her ass in the shower."

After my shower, Laying in my bed, before I drifted off into a semi-peaceful sleep, I promised myself, and whoever else was listening, that I was going to see this through. No more talk of killing myself or feeling sorry for myself. I had two feet, and dammit, I was going to stand on them.

Was that actually Coleson? Taking a minute to boss me around from the afterlife? Or was I finally entering the hallucination phase of death?

Well whatever you wanna call it, it worked. I got up, took a shower, put on clean clothes and went back to bed. It's possible that my self conscious created my brothers voice in a moment of self preservation. My brain told me what I wanted to hear, in a voice I was yearning to hear.

I knew that me giving up wasn't an option. If I wanted to live....I would have to fight.