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IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder
ā°āā¤ āAt times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if youāre living with this illness and functioning at all, itās something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher
#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies#(more thoughts at the end of the tags)#shameless#shamelessnet#shamelessedit#ian gallagher#cameron monaghan#*macygifs#bipolar disorder#hello pals how are we doin#i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags#and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes)#i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation#that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day#world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder#which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life#while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life#and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines#over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful#i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended#hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles#world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder#and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized)#it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all#it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen#so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can.#we are worth it#i promise#anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder#go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives
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CHOSENWEEK FINALE : CELEBRATION / HEALING
happy birthday bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /silly
anyways thats all the days compleeete! now i can finally say this..
ChosenWeek will officially come to a close on [November 6 at 12 AM GMT+8].
why that time specifically? welllll im aware that people have different timezones, like for example it could be november 5 for me but its still the 4th for some others which means its still chosenweek for that part of the world
so me setting it at november 6 will at least have me make sure that its at least near or exactly november 5 for all of us!
dw i have it already scheduled so when it comes up then it. comes up yeah
#alan becker#animator vs animation#ava#animation vs minecraft#avm#ava tco#ava red#avm red#ava tsc#avm tsc#ava yellow#avm yellow#ava green#avm green#ava blue#avm blue#ava chosenweek#this is it! the final day#which means its almost time for this event to come to a close#would said week buuuut the days this event takes kind of extends a week hehehehhh#i htink this counts as healing also since well#hes casually inside the pc#in the place where he was trapped in for the first five years of his existence.#as well as also being in the same vicinity as alan#yknow... the guy who enslaved him#may be a bit of a stretch but hey! it works yknow#i would add more but i think.im reaching tag limit and i ran out of ways to express thoughts so whoopsie#oh yeah the box anniversary is todOH MY GOD AVA 10 WAS A YEAR AGO WHAT THE FUC#lilacsart
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Itās ārealizing that Willās struggle in S2 with being infected with a virus that spreads and will kill him quickly (but doctors donāt care) is a metaphor for how gay men were treated during the aids crisisā hours
āright alongside Mike (who comes from a family with a Reagan sign in their front yard + a mom who outwardly supported Margret Thatcher), who sat at his now confirmed gay best friendās side the entire time he was sick and watched as people were willing to let him die because he was viewed as expendableā¦ā¦and now has an ongoing storyline where
1) his relationship with his girlfriend is falling apart because he doesnāt love her romantically
2) heās staring longingly and pushing toward the freedom his gay best friend embodies for him, and
3) he cannot bring himself to tell anyone around him something because āwhat if they donāt like itā + dehumanize him for telling the secret truth he cannot bring himself to externalize, despite now knowing something that scares him about about himself:
(Bonus points for the fact that the first time we see Mike push Will and himself toward a girl is after he watches how people were willing to let his gay best friend (and him, by extension) die should they not confirm to expectations)
#can you tell I am rewatching S2? lmao but!!#heās gay. heās gay. HE IS IN THE CLOSET AND TERRIFIED AND FUCKING. GAY#this is not about his feelings for El and never had been#itās about his DEEP AND UNRELENTING FEAR that he is going to be seen as less than human and potentially killed for his honesty#THE REFUSAL TO TELL THE TRUTH IS A PROTECTION MECHANISM#ROOTED IN WHAT HES SEEN & EXPERIENCED & KNOWS ABOUT HIMSELF AS A GAY MAN#like this boy is having an extended metaphorical existential crisis over being gay. that is the point#it always HAS been. but the depth and context for his struggle requires complex sociological knowledge & people donāt do that anymore lmao#ANYWAY#Iām gonna do a whole proper post on this I promise. I just had to get the thought out somewhere lmao#mike wheeler core#mike wheeler#will byers#stranger things#the me tag#gay mike wheeler
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Kudo is actually such a kind, soft-hearted guy that had to toughen up because he cared too much
He looked at AFO's rule, and even though he was weak, he had that glint in his eye that has been referred to as the "will of a hero" to oppose him. A hopeful glint shared with Midoriya, Bakugo, and Hawks
He even parallels Hawks when they talk about that particular look in their eye
From a glimmer in the eye, to which eye is shown, how much of the face, a similar angle of the face, and placement of text questioning the existence of that light,
He stormed to kill Yoichi with Bruce, but couldn't, once he saw the state Yoichi was in. Even knowing he was the enemy, he still reached out his hand and never let go, even when they were running
When Yoichi died, even though they'd only been together for two months, Kudo still cried and froze up.
This is a reaction from a man who repeatedly used lives as a stepping stone for his own goal.
Kudo said himself, that victory was life, and defeat was death. He had killed and seen his friends killed over and over, but still cries when it happens again. And to someone he only knew for two months, at that.
Kudo gathered allies under his cause, and they were loyal enough to die for him. Bruce cries (still smiling tho) facing AFO, tried protecting Kudo when he froze up at Yoichi's death, and we see all Kudo's comrades dead in the end. Maybe Bruce was suicidal when he went to face AFO, knowing he'd die, but most of his comrades (and Kudo) were already gone. Their cause was snuffed out, but the will persisted.
Kudo is a bit like Aizawa.
A bit crass and blunt, doesn't like beating around the bush, but he can clearly see what kind of person you are. He's not openly kind, but you know he cares so much, but has also lost too much once. He's seen his friend(s) die, and shouldn't it have been him in that spot? Shouldn't he have died instead, but was forced to continue living for that dead person's sake?
His speech about why we call Abilities "Quirks", recognizing people's intent over raw power is the real power. (Ch 369)
He's blunt and goes straight to the results rather than beat around the bush, but it doesn't mean his heart is frozen and he doesn't care about you. (Ch 408)
He cares so much, and that's why he has to do so much. (His whole Resistance thing, figuring out how Yoichi's Factor works to make sure Yoichi and his will can live on in some way)
He recognizes that Midoriya isn't driven by duty, but that he genuinely adores Quirks too much. (Ch 414) He could look at Midoriya, read that immediately, and even though he looked through his memories, Midoriya's character was his takeaway. Not that Midoriya is an idiot for letting himself be stepped on, or that this kid was bullied, but that Midoriya could see the goodness in others.
Like how Aizawa saw that Midoriya was relying on the reason [It can't be helped] whenever OFA broke his bones and told him he can't always break himself just because he could be fixed (Midoriya's recklessness that showed itself on the first day of school). He called out something that was an underlying, innate belief to Midoriya, that was so normal to the teen, and no one else had brought up as wrong to him.
The first thing they perceive is a person's character.
When Aizawa tied up Midoriya on the first day of school, he wasn't telling him off over his Quirk destroying him being a PR thing or too gruesome for the public. It was out of the fact that his Quirk shouldn't destroy him, because it's dangerous for Midoriya.
Aizawa came off antagonistic, but he was looking out for Midoriya. He didn't want him to keep breaking his whole arm, he didn't want him to get stuck in the mindset that he had to get hurt to use his Quirk, he was looking out for his wellbeing from the start. A kid he didn't know personally until that day.
Kudo did a similar thing. He turned his back, and refused to help, because they were putting their hopes in a delusional boy who would go too far. When the vestiges realized their gathered Abilities and Quirks were letting Midoriya have the freedom to do as he wished, Kudo already knew, only saying "His path is the right one". He could relate to having to run full-sprint to see your goal realized, even if everything opposed him, but didn't want Midoriya to go through that same path alone.
If he were alone, he'd be like Nagant. He had to have comrades to be like Kudo, able to continue and stand for their beliefs, but having comrades to fall back on, or pull him back when it's too much. That's why he follows up in that moment with, "But, if there's something Midoriya does need..."
Kudo and Aizawa could see themselves or their comrades in others, and knew how to approach those character flaws that were normalized to others and said person.
Kudo could see others for who they were, and I think it's this, and his caring nature, that he gathered so many allies with him. He knew when to be blunt, when to show kindness, that the truth hurts but needs to be seen, was actually very logical and witty, and when to step aside and let people do their thing, even if it wasn't the best move (like saving All Might). Because that was what was best for that person.
It's not like people would join someone so wholeheartedly without conviction and being left unseen by that person. So many people were willing to die with and for Kudo, and Bruce believes in him so much.
When All Might's vestige was fading and becoming more solid, Kudo had to look away. They knew it meant All Might was dying in the real world.
Kudo was telling Midoriya not to intervene with Gearshift there. But once he saw All Might genuinely dying out, he couldn't look at him, and kept quiet. He stopped hanging onto battlefield logic of necessity, shut up, let Midoriya do his thing, and it saved All Might. It saved Midoriya from seeing his idol die in front of him, and Kudo didn't have to see another ally die beside him.
The chapter is literally called [We Love You All Might!!]. Even if it's just meant to focus in Bakugo and Midoriya, and only has 2 exclamation marks, it can't discount the world is watching. The vestiges care about All Might too.
When the vestiges come up with the plan to forcibly transfer themselves to deal damage, Kudo volunteers himself as the test dummy. Sure, he backs it with a lot of reason too, but he didn't want anyone else to go first as a test drive
He, with a Gearshift Ability that resembled a manual car, was the test drive. Ha ha pun- *gets shot*
En tried going first. Kudo rejected him, saying he would go first.
"Part ways with Gearshift [me], and you'll be free of the crippling recoil too."
Too. TOO.
KUDO JUST WANTED TO GO AND BE DESTROYED FIRST. HE PUT THE FREEDOM OF RECOIL DOWN AS AN EXTRA BONUS SO THEY'D AGREE WITH HIS CHOICE.
I'd cut the image so it looks better, and I can use Bruce's words elsewhere, but this is an image limit, so,
- Kudo refused to let anyone else go first. This was before giving reasons to convince them he should leave first
- En gives reason to why it can't be Kudo. Kudo just says, "Listen." and reminds them of now.
- Look at Kudo's face when he says that. The guy knows what he's doing when he cuts off En, and would probably be a horrible liar. He might as well be pulling this out of his ass.
He's said "The world will end" "You have to or else" "Five minutes" "You're going to die" a few times in this fight already. DUDE STOPPP
(Terrible liar and a guy who purposely eggs you to torment? What a great friend he would be [yknow, when u make ur friends freak out by being ominous or reminding them of stuff. Like Toast to Lilypichu in a game of Observation Duty])
- "Too."
- Bruce's trust in him, but knowing when to pull Kudo back from going too far
Also, when he's transferred, he smiles to Midoriya. He knows he's about to die again, but the last thing he does for Midoriya is
1) Take away the recoil of his existence as a Factor on the boy
2) Reassure him that it's okay, so it doesn't weigh on his conscience
Even if only in thought, STILL!
KUDO LOOKED SO PROUD OF MIDORIYA!
I bet Kudo is suuuch a sentimental fool
> [Be me and watch your new friend die]
> [I have Yoichi's Factor]
> [It's like I carry his will now]
> [Have a glint of opposition in my eye that drives the Demon Lord and my comrades (Bruce) crazy]
> [Hey Bruce, let's figure out how it transfers]
> [Bruce's common sense VS my rabid ideas]
> [I win]
> [Bruce was unwilling the whole time and still ends up with the Factor]
> [The Factor is named One For All, after something in Yoichi's favorite comic book series]
> [We pass it on to the future to carry forward]
> [Even as everyone else and me dies, I make sure Yoichi and his will are safe from his Demon Lord brother that locked him up]
> [Decades later, my sweet vaulted friend reminds me of when we met]
> [I turn around and give my whole-hearted support to believe in some 15-year old boy because Yoichi believes in him too]
SEN - TIM - ENT - AL!
When Shinomori was stolen by AFO, Shinomori pushed everyone away before they could really notice the invader. Kudo called out for him.
Everyone is in shock, but I don't think it's a mistake that the text bubble calling out for Shinomori is pointing from Kudo.
All For One made it through and is ready to steal them, but the first thing Kudo did was call out for the one at the very front.
[On the post I made that mentions Shinomori pushing everyone away] What if Kudo wasn't pushed away? What if this was him at the front, realizing the danger and turning around, but being unable to do anything for Shinomori when he saw?
Like Bruce, Kudo communicates. He doesn't expect you to just follow or understand him. He actually lays it out and makes sure you keep up.
He explains
- the transfer of vestiges, and why he should go first
- his Quirk
- why Quirks are Quirks
- reports to Midoriya what's happening and what's next
- to Yoichi why they couldn't trust in a delusional boy. In a way that wasn't Bruce's roundabout "we lived in a terrible era and a leader gathered us"
When En panics, he barks at En to keep up. By barking at him, rather than any other way he could've used his tone, it shuts up En in his frantic babbling. Kudo also lets Vestige Might put in his thoughts to understand better, and uses it.
Eye reflection. Kudo can really see people for who they are, and understands others, and himself.
I can't repeat the pics cuz image limit, but look at previous panels here. For example, Kudo saying Yoichi's will lives in him, and when AFO reflected in his eyes
It's something I learned from Re:Zero. When a person in reflected in one's eye, something something that person can see the true core of you, of what you really are underneath everything. The eyes are the window and mirror [glass] of the soul. I finally see the true you.
AFO never reflected anyone.
But Kudo reflected AFO when the man accidentally killed Yoichi. He saw that AFO wasn't seeing anything, so later, Kudo smiled and mocked AFO at his own death.
"Yoichi?"
"He's gone."
"You killed him, Demon Lord."
And AFO hated that reminder.
Kudo was reminding him of what the truth was. Kudo saw it himself, and AFO blocked it out from the get-go. Kudo already knew what AFO was, what he was seeing, what he was doing to himself by blaming Kudo instead of himself.
And then, Kudo's eyes reflected his own hand when he realized Yoichi's Factor was in him.
Kudo clearly saw himself, and in himself, Yoichi. Nothing distorted it. It really was a clear mirror.
He really perceived Yoichi's will was living on, and was right. Otherwise, his eyes wouldn't have shown it.
Kudo was right about AFO. It's even implied back when he and Bruce had their backs turned; Kudo knew what AFO's real goal was. That was back when AFO preached unity and division under him.
Kudo could always see right through AFO. He really understood people from the start. And he never tried making up truths to justify what he was seeing, facing it head-on.
Kudo's lying about the world being black and white.
Kudo and Bruce saw the world as black and white. This was mentioned in the void.
Kudo also says, "Victory meant life. Defeat meant death."
But it's the Resistance. It's when Japan and the world was at their lowest. The world wasn't black and white; there's lots of gray.
Kudo and Bruce would've seen this. Kudo even admits that there's gray, just not directly.
Kudo says Yoichi knows, how he killed and trampled so many lives, to get back at AFO. He knows it wasn't right, or an amazing choice. Later, he says that when your back is against the wall, you have to make callous judgements. These hint at gray moments.
Kudo and Bruce have faced and been in the gray. But it's too hard to make the right choices, and there are times there is no right answer.
Historically, soldiers would convince themselves the enemy were monsters. They wouldn't be able to fight and kill them otherwise. They wouldn't be able to live with themselves without believing in this so badly.
Kudo and Bruce had to have been the same way. They were Meta Humans [Monsters] in a time they were viewed as diseased humans. The monsters were real. And they had a Demon Lord. Kudo and Bruce literally dressed up as soldiers.
Even if they were monsters to society, being Meta, Kudo and Bruce were still human. They knew this. The ones who tried believing in only black and white were inhabitants of the gray itself.
But they have to protect themselves. Kudo is so adamant that the world is only black and white, because he can't stand the gray. What it makes him do, what it means, that he's too weak to do anything.
Yoichi is an example of that gray area. The mortal enemy's younger brother, was actually locked up and sickly. He's just a comic book nerd. And it humanized the other side Kudo opposed so vehemently.
Kudo says victory is life and defeat is death. And Yoichi asked why he reached out to him then. He reminded Kudo of that gray area, and Kudo opened up.
Kudo might avoid the gray area because it's a matter of the heart and a moral dilemma, but it's what makes him human. When there's no right answer in the battlefield, he decides on his feelings instead.
He wishes the world was black and white, because it'd be so easy. But it's not.
Yoichi reminded him of how entering that gray area led to OFA ("when you reached out your hand to me"), and it had been the best choice in the end. The gray area is real, and Kudo's left a bare man with only his emotions when he's there.
Kudo is actually really kind and understanding. He's too soft for his own good. Thanks if you made it this far, I hope it makes sense (tag and image limit)
#KUDO IS UNDERRATED NEEDS MORE CONTENT RECOGNITION HES THE KINDEST WITTLE BOY EVER#my thoughts#i think ppl who write resistance stuff should also consider that not everything was black and white#there will be moral arguments where you cant decide. and the resistance has faced those sorts of things where There Is No Right Answer.#kudo is really kind tho. exactly because he cares so much he does all these things and tries to harden himself#but like exoskeletons work - its only an armor to protect the soft squishy insides and keep them from drying out#i woke up and had to put this stuff down#me: *picks up a sentence note in my fic notes* *puts it down here and elaborates*#the line was in relation to putting down stuff about the vestiges to remember dynamics#[Kudo is the kindest despite appearances]#kudo seems like he would be fiercely protective over ppl he cares about. exactly because hes seen so many of his comrades die over and over#kudo#bnha#mha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#spoilers#ofa#one for all#bruce#bruce is the meme of ā*chuckles* I'm in dangerā and its just. Kudo w/ his new crazy idea chasing him down with Gearshift and Yoichis Factor#hikage shinomori#en tayutai#yoichi shigaraki#ive been thinking he was kind for a long time but never elaborated why. if u look at his actions words and thoughts it all makes sense#theres underlying kindness in there. he wants to be kind but the world would scorch him if he didnt have a stick up his ass#also adding on to the prev tag of kudo and fiercely protective- because in their times comrades were everything. otherwise you were alone#the world sucks resources are limited and youre a diseased human [Meta]. but you have someone willing to walk with you.#also about the [Kudo is the kindest] note among the vestiges- i dont think any of the other vestiges would do what kudo did#calmly volunteering himself rather than it being in panic. extending a hand and saving what shouldve been his mortal enemy. yknow
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Hannibal the Cannibal be like: This french guy was annoying me so I just burned him alive and ate his remains. Now that's what I call French Fries Ayyyy.
(I've never watched anything with Hannibal in it)
#ayyy#ayyyyy#ayyyy#ayyyyyy#haven't watched it yet#hannibal the cannibal#hannibal the series#hannibal lecter#silence of the lambs#the silence of the lambs#red dragon#hannibal#hannibal nbc#nbc hannibal#hannibal extended universe#hannibal tv show#hannibal tv series#hannibal thoughts#hannibal incorrect quotes#hannibal posting#hannibal shitpost#hannibal fandom#hannibal bbc#hannibal books#hannibal netflix#hannibal rising#french tumblr#french tag#french fries#french fry
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congratulations christopher!
self indulgent near-future in which when christopher graduates high school buck n eddie take hiim to hawaii to celebrate and they all have a nice vacation over here. friend n i were brainrotting it a bit and we decided buck definitely hyperfixated on hawaii and stuff (history, nature, geography, mythology, etc)
#buddie#christopher diaz#eddie diaz#evan buckley#911 abc#mustasekittens#i still struggle drawing all 3 of them its a nightmare#anyways gavin is getting really tall and i thought it would be kinda funny if he was almost taller than eddie once he's an adult#my friend and i expanded on buck's hawaii hyperfixation so there's def gonna be a short comic to follow this up LOL#the lei christopher is wearing is called a maile lei#theyre usually worn by men but anyone can wear a maile :]#maile lei are usually worn at grads/proms/weddings or just cuz!#buddie are married at this point. (wink wink. bucks ring. wink)#i shouldve made buck more sunburned#idk if people even read tags this far but anyways more little details#also idk smth smth buck wearing yellow eddie wearing blue n chris wearing green (although not exactly) bc theyre a weird blended family#the brand of shirts the 3 of them r wearing is called sig zane and its a local (fancy) aloha wear brand here! its based in hilo!!#my local friend who's from big island brought it up to me and i remembered it existed#i see people wear sig zane all the time here on oahu but i am so shit at remembering names. that is extended to clothing brands LMFAO#what i mean by fancy aloha wear i mean these fucking shirts cost upwards of $130-145 EACH.#and they are fucking BEAUTIFUL.#i did take some liberties with the designs for the 3 of them tho#buck and christopher's are almost directly referencing existing designs from their catalogue while i smplified one for eddie's#christopher's is an ulu (breadfruit) pattern and i kinda ate that ngl#i was originally gonna just use some stamp brushes i found on the csp asset store but they looked so tacky i just decided to draw them LOL#anyways enjoy this self indulgent stupid stuff who cares anymore
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*slides paper across the table* I offer, Midas with chronic pain after all the decay and stuff - it may be gone and mostly off of them, but it was *killing them,* and the effects of that *would not* be small.
#is this me projecting? maybe#who knows#i additionally offer tha idea that since it went for the very ends of limbs after the eyes#that it hurts them to walk or stand for extended periods of time#and the idea that if Midas *ever* met Athena and Rae and the two of them found out#theyre immediately finding *some* way to make them a walking aid#brought to you by sage had a thought yesterday#sherbertquake56#quixis#fable smp#fsmp#a tag to help find my own posts
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Aromantic Jon who doesn't know they're aro who treats romantic relationships like yet another chore they have to do now that they're an adult. They're in their twenties now. They've put it off for long enough but they're going to have to do it eventually, it's just what adults do. They sort of approach every relationship like an obligation they're checking off of their to-do list. People keep breaking up with them for it. They used to think everyone else also felt like being in a romantic relationship was a huge burden, but after a few comments landed weird they now suspect it's just yet another short-coming of theirs (they've never been good at understanding other people anyways).
They don't think about it for most of the plot of the podcast, due to the. Everything. Until maybe around S4. But by that point they've basically decided that that doesn't matter any more. Too much time, effort, and risk for anyone not already involved (and no one who IS involved is an option). It's a massive weight off their shoulders. They draw no larger conclusions from this.
#aro jon#obligatory do not tag this with martin or j//mart please and thank you#tbh one of the reasons i 'just wasn't interested in dating right now'#was that 'i barely have enough energy for my friends let alone an actual PARTNER'#'would i have to text them a lot? see them multiple times a week??'#i remember eating dinner with my extended family about a year or so back#and my cousin was w/ his gf (and maybe her family as well?) instead (he was visiting her like every day)#and someone (i think it was my uncle?) told me that it was normal for people who were in love to want to spend all their time together#which i thought was fucking. Weird As Hell. who has the time?? the energy???? to hang out with the SAME PERSON every day??????#when my family pointed out that my parents see each other all the time i was like#'yeah. they live together. they'd have to go out of their way to avoid that'#and i was so fucking confused. because i sort of thought that the USUAL romantic relationship thing was#you go out with them like once a week#and maybe you stay over at their place occasionally#and then you move in#this was around the time when i was questioning if i was aro. no i did not realize then and there that the answer was YES#fuck it. maintagging this. aro jon rights!!#jonathan sims#jon sims#tma#the magnus archives#also implied autistic jon. that man is so auDHD to me#no i'm not projecting. shut up.
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magical girl ward
#ocs#my ocs#my ocs art#original character#velvet kuragari#gloomy nurse kuragari#magical girl ward#her story is kind of complicated but she was designed and conceptualised last year when my mental health was really in the gutter#so her story reflects that somewhat - there were/are strong themes of suicide and hope/healing (hence the nurse theme)#her whole thing is that she helps others by going into their mindspaces to defeat 'viruses' that cause their suicidal thoughts#(extended metaphor)#i say this about EVERY character i know#but i do want to make a 20-ish chapter comic about her#suicide#< warning tag#zeno's art
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No, but it does give you back some control, Kaz. Which honestly is an understandable feeling to want to have. But thinking about it, whatās gotta be worse than being both grounded-and in excruciating pain with much less function than he had previously?
Loss of control.
Even if I go with my headcanon of the capture being an organized thing between himself and Ocelot-that doesnāt mitigate it being traumatic or bad.
(Which obviously, is just a headcanon/theory: nothing I say in any of these posts is 100% proven canonically, this is just my own thoughts after all from context we receive within the game).
Anyway.
Taking aside the other factors (artificial limbs arenāt a guarantee that it makes things better, or easier. Extra weight, difficulties etc) thinking of the kind of personality Kaz has; that of a high-strung man eager to find his place and exert power over others (and if not power, then something akin to it, or mingled with other elements) a core element in that is control.
Being the one in charge. Someone who has enough of a position of authority to exert his will unto others. Whether that word comes from himself or Snake, heās at the helm somehow.
After Kaz is rescued, heās open about exactly how heās feeling-
And honestly, a single look at himself, or even just how much pain he has got to be in on a day-to-day basis would tell him that he really doesnāt need to focus on that in order to remember. Frankly, I think heād have a much harder time forgetting. After all, itās been 9 years since the attack, and heās still fueled so strongly by hate and revenge that itās on his mind 24/7. Nothing else occurs to him, ever.
Angry enough that even after weeks in captivity, heās fuming and chomping at the bit to get going again.
Sir the only thing you should be right now is unconscious.
But there is really only so much vulnerability a single person can take. Let alone someone like him.
Kicks help away.
If heās in pain, itās more than just a reminder. It serves as the one thing he has left to master. To be in charge of. Pain meds wouldnāt take all of it away. But it would ease it. Bionics wouldnāt take all of it away, but it might (or might not) help him. If he says ānoā to all of this, then heās the one with the final say. Logically, it doesnāt make the most sense. After all, you canāt think or function properly in pain the way you could out of it.
Believe me I know.
I rely on aids myself, from time to time. I was a daily cane user for most of university.
A wheelchair for another trip.Ā
And thereās absolutely an argument to be made, that if he did take assistance. Help. That if he did get himself in less pain then heād actually be exerting more control in the situation because now heās the one thatās got a handle on it. Heās the one that took it back and brought it back to himself. Into a place where it no longer dominates him, but he dominates it.
But the longer heās in pain, the angrier he can stay. Not to mention it provides an excuse for the anger. Now heās not just in control of himself (so he thinks anyway, Iād argue the point with him myself if he was a living thing I could speak too) but kept mad and spitting. Mad enough to kill Skull Face, mad enough to keep going and going. Fueling his fire with self grown coals.
Because without that pain, that anger. Also comes loss.
Grief is one of the central themes to MGSV (a whole other post to be honest). Ā Grief and anger often times go hand and hand. Kaz isnāt a good person with good morals at the end of the day. A man who was so eternally displaced with his position in the world from the day of his birth, and really until his death that his solution was things like nation states and war economies. But you donāt have to be a good person, or a saint, to have been wronged in some fashion.
He's never been shy about admitting exactly what kind of person he is (in this regard, anyway)
And is there not, end of day, a large element of control rooted in things like this?
These are the sorts of ideologies Kaz holds: in his own words.
Like this:
Or this.
His lead, and Kaz's. (Since it's Kaz talking here that is not what is outright stated, but it's clear enough what Kaz might want, within these situations).
(One could also argue this is just morally corrupt people taking care of other morally corrupt people but thatād be a derailment. Another post would have to delve into that as well).
When he lost everything-his home, his limbs, he lost key elements of his control that he worked so brutally to build. Whatever scrap of it he can cling to and maintain, he will.
Obviously, Kaz is in a different place (and undoubtedly frame of mind by the 90ās) but in the 80ās, heās holding strong to pain, grief, anger, and loss. Because if he lets go of the things that keep him fueled and furious, then all thatās left is all-encompassing grief.
And that must feel a whole lot harder to deal with to him (Iād think anyway) than being raging and fuming.
#mgsv#kazuhira miller#nates headcanons#thoughts posts#character posts: kazuhira miller#yes im extending my tags kakjsdnjksa shhh#mgs#like i mean obviously take everything i say with a grain of salt this is just my own thoughts#i just enjoy thinking#perhaps far too much#revolver ocelot#diamond dogs#venom snake
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he ālovedā her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protĆ©gĆ© relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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My dad rewatching the FNaF movie with me: So that guy's the killer right?
Me: Yes! I'm kind of disappointed he's no longer British
My dad: He's no longer What
#I just thought matthew lillard doing a British accent would be funny#Loved the practical effects and everything#soundtrack was s tier#there's a slow middle section of the movie#but it was good!#I justified that phone guy was absent because the logical thing to do when you hear#'the bite of 87'#and 'its amazing the human body can live without the frontal lobe'#is to put in your 3 weeks notice and get out of there#despite what some people say I thought the dream sequences were a pretty neat way to extend the amount of time mike spends at the pizzeria!#because again when you find out the animatronics move by themselves its time to gtfo#i do think when vanessa threatened him with the rooty tooty mcshooty he should have probably quit#but you know can't have everything#these tags are getting long lets wrap this up#fnaf spoilers#fnaf tag#fnaf movie#five nights at freddy's#fnaf#ramblings of a stranger#special interest tag
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odd and offputting and pink and pretty 4 life
#why do i keep putting all my coolest lines in the tags.#what!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like evefy time i come up with pure GENIUS#and i just sit and think. wait this is actually good#its ok ill post them instesd !!!!#i never realise just how far my genius extends until i am placed face to face with it#in battle. with a sword. fighting to the death#going through the tags on my posts is a rollercoaster of emotions like#i am so sorry to anyone who reads these#theyre basically just my thought process that i couldnt fit into the actual post cuz its not cool and snappy#thoughts ąØš¹ą§#girlblogging#it girl#wonyoungism#girlhood#pink pilates princess#girly tumblr#this is what makes us girls#girly stuff#girlcore#girlworld#girl things#girl therapy#girl code#girl talk#hyperfemininity#hyper feminine#princess#pink blog#divine feminine
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having thoughts about how Husk actually has very little left to redeem bc he started his journey of self-change before even coming to work at the hotel, but at the same time redemption isn't even his goal- he ain't even aiming for heaven, he just wanted to be a better person and maybe now with friends and especially Angel, who he supports so much and wants to see succeed, maybe now he has a reason to be a better person
#hazbin hotel#husk#warning I am about to ramble in these tags O7 I have a ridiculous amount of thoughts about this cat bird man#thinking about that word of god from vivzie that Husk is actively fighting his gambling addiction in hell#which besides the pilot we've only seen his gambling mentioned in the past#and idk if it's just because they had to focus on other things but we don't see him drinking as heavily as he did in the pilot#and first few episodes. like he actually wants to be sober#we know he used to be an overlord and we assume that comes with all the terrible overlord qualities#(aka there's no such thing as a good slave owner)#but the Husk we know now has been on both sides of this chain#he knows and respects boundaries. consent is super important to him. this feels like a moral you can't really have to be an overlord#he also sees everyone as more than just what they can do for him specifically. he gets NOTHING out of being Angel's friend#he gets NOTHING out of defending Angel and Cherri during the fight with the Exorcists#he knows when to open up and who to open up to and trust. and he extends a hand to someone in need. someone he ain't even close to-#and if it hasn't changed he is trying to beat his own vices despite not even being a guest of the hotel. he's staff. he doesn't HAVE to#participate in their activities or try to change. he was dragged into this#but dammit he does it anyway#(also if he is still trying to beat his gambling addiction I wonder if the pilot was a relapse. hm)#anyway ig what im trying to say is husk isn't a guest at the hotel but plays the role of a guide for the guests bc he's already#got a very strong and *GOOD* set of morals considering they're in hell#like his level of morals we've only seen /explicitly/ shown in hellborn. and yeah consent and boundaries is rock bottom even for Earth#but they're in hell so somehow the bar manages to be even fucking lower than that so I consider it a win#ALSO THE FACT THAT HE STOOD BETWEEN ANGEL & CHERRI AND THE EXORCISTS??? this mf is willing to DIE for these people#I am 100% sure that if Husk's soul didn't belong to Alastor he would already be redeemed#we don't know what he did in life and we don't know how bad he was as an overlord but we know who husk is /now/#and that person is a pretty damn good guy#he might have some work to do sure but he's already at least started his redemption before the show even began and#we're just seeing the tail end of it#god damn I really rambled in these tags i am so sorry#I just have so many thoughts about him
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#maya's art tag#krugston#dasher krugston#chief krugston#tumblarina moots who saw these in da server . heh. a little extra for yall... (1st image extended)#that small kindof abstract chief expression in the 3rd image i thought was funny. hes *?*
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itās all the rest of what i want with you
connor dewar/brandon duhaime :: 8k
Summary:
āBrandon,ā Connor says with a sigh. āThereās no baby in there.ā
āNot yet,ā Brandon says. Connor feels his stomach twist, almost like what he would imagine a baby kicking to feel like.
in these trying times of dewvorce, may i offer you 8k of pwp inspired by @stillfertileās wonderful art which i had. several breakdowns about š«¶ anyway please enjoy!!!
#OFFICIAL FIC ANNOUNCEMENT š£ļøš£ļøš£ļøā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļø i wish i had pretty fic graphics but alas i have No Skill and also. so much work i should be doing bu#HI SHEāS HERE i would love to say this is a complete surprise drop except i have Anxiety & i needed to ask you guys about it beforehand#in my defense i started writing this in like. january far before any tragedy occurred#because square asked about my tags on their dewey2 art and she spawned like. a million more thoughts about it#including the part where i got absolutely kicked in the face with the lightning vision of those two lines.#like those two lines are the first actual lines of the fic i wrote ajdhkwdiowdjiw ANYWAY please be nice to me i know i am always like#āthis is not the first real fic i ever thought iād postā and if i had a nickel iād have three but this is the first pwp iāve ever posted#and itās 8k and itās not a fic for an exchange (although technically i did very much write this for the dewey^2 hivemind so.)#i have SO many things to say i have so many comments on this doc also i couldnāt pick a title for the LONGEST time and i finally decided on#this one but the full quote was too long:#all the rest of what i want with you that scares me shitless#so. i was angling SO hard to make a yung gravy lyric as a title bc i saw the video of him at a wild game but i couldnāt find a good one#and instead yāall got a very sentimental title l m a o.#liv in the replies#shout out to the extended universe this lives in and also my unhinged comments in the docs.#if you liked fun fuck a baby in him friday iāll be here all week i promise i am the exact same in the comments as i am in the tags š«”#the NUMBER of times i wrote something in this by pulling it out of my ass and then actually went back and did the research & was RIGHT is.#far too high. also the amount of coincidental things that dropped while i was writing this (yung gravy song about pregnancy AFTER i wheeze#laughed myself into a yung gravy title the athletic player poll confirming my restaurant & bar choices from googling āst. paul good barsāā¦)#also if anybody got advice on formatting for these little announcements. help. this is different from my miro/luka one &iām still not happy
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