#experimenting with diff styles also means I get to figure out what I like and don't like

[ravi-617]

the inconsistency of my art style has been a massive insecurity of mine for as long as I can remember.. for years and years I've been beating myself up over my inability to stick to one technique or ~signature look~. it feels like I'm lacking identity as an artist when everything I draw looks like it was made by a different person. I hate it more than anything.

but recently, I've come to appreciate my ability to switch from style to style in order to achieve the vibe I'm looking for. from uber cartoony to anime to semi-realism, it's a good skill to have.

those insecurities of mine still exist, and I hate not having That One Style I always go back to at the end of the day, something that feels like me, but maybe I should stop calling it inconsistency and start calling it range.

¯\ (ツ) /¯

[intensely-reading]

Review of “If love was a place”

(My honest review of “if love was a place” poem. I had read the fanfic too and it was good, but I felt compelled to review this poem because I’m a sucker for these types of works.)

If love was a place...

It would be warm and safe.

(Love is suggested to be a warm and safe place.)

If love was a place...

It would fit the curve of my shape.

(At first, I thought that this meant this person embodied love, but after reading to the end, the meaning changed to that love feels just right. As in, the “it” is the love in the form of embrace rather than within the body of the speaker.)

If love was a place...

It would not be without tears,

(Tears could be from overjoyed, sorrow, tired, and many diff reasons, so understandable that tears exist in love.)

or discomfort,

or pain.

(Discomfort and pain seems to contradicts the implication of love as a warm and safe place. It would have been better if the writer despited discomfort and pain as something external and love resolves it somehow. Unless that’s not what they’re going for. I guess love can cause conflict to occur, but I feel like maybe you were trying to convey how love makes people want to fight. Not with each other, but for each other. Each party is wanting the best for the other, but can’t express how they truly feel sometimes because it’s an uncommon experience for them. As in, they’re not comfortable with expressing their wants and needs with each other because maybe it feels demanding or they’re scared of rejection. Whatever the case may be, I felt like the message got blurred or confusing here. I’m for sure over analyzing this a bit too deep, but I thought it puts an interesting perspective on how one of many may view this piece of literature.)

But if love was a place...

If love was a place...

If love was a place...

(I was trying to figure out what you meant for each line because it felt like you were trying to distinct each line and it’s suppose to have diff meanings somehow. I’m assuming the “but” was a transition to convey “love as a place” in another meaning. A meaning closer to the message you were trying to get across. That love exists through the physical bond or embrace. I felt like the middle line was a bit repetitive and could have been excluded. The italicized “love” was a nice touch to put emphasize on the connection of “love” to “you” and “me.”)

It would have you.

It would have me.

(The separation between “you” and “me” into two sentence instead of one created some sort of anticipation that was ironically expected, but satisfying to see. Aside from the sentence structure, the tone is soft, but also direct. Not demanding, but implying.)

And it would have "we"

at the end of every phrase.

(Tbh, when I first read this line, I didn’t think anything of it. However, after re-reading it a couple of times, it started to become funny. I’m imagining what that line meant literally and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Here are some examples of this line in action if it was meant literally:

1. Your eyes remind me of marbles washed up by the sea shore on a sizzling evening we.

2. Hot dogs are tasty—like you we.

3. We will weep willingly with wet wipes we.

If love was a place—

it would be in your embrace.

(I have no comment on this line. I really like it though. Overall, the poem was beautifully written with much consideration when it came to structure and tone for the intent of conveying the message of if love was a place. Your writing style captivated me. I look forward to seeing your future work.)

Oh my gosh thank you so much for this!! 🥹 I honestly didn't expect anyone to think that deeply about this poem. Poetry is definitely not my strong suit in terms of writing so it's really humbling to receive such a thorough review.

This poem, unfortunately, doesn't make a lot of sense without the story to supplement. While I wrote the poem before the story, I did have the story in mind when I was writing it. So, part of the reason the poem contradicts itself in the middle is due to how the story's scenes needed to be written (those three lines: tears, discomfort, pain—also mark the lowest point of Alhaitham and Kaveh's relationship in the story). But, in both story and poem, I had wanted to convey that loving does hurt in the sense that it takes work to make a relationship work. To love someone won't always be easy, but there is power in that—in staying when the going gets tough.

The repetition was there so there would be enough scenes haha. Things coming in threes usually also tickles the brain too, so flow-wise, repeating the line thrice sounded better in my head.

Thank you again for your review on a poem that I admittedly was very unsure about. I'm really honored to hear you put so much thought into it and really appreciate it and all the compliments as well! Thank you so much 💜

[cosmicdreamgrl]

oh! the pinned post 🥺💗 it really suits with your theme huh?! haha but anyway... HI STEPH! i'm here because i've read it a post of yours that really messed up with my own feelings and decided to came here to easy that impostor feeling you're having about yourself and your creations. so i'm going to tell a little thing about my own experience: when i first started this 14 years ago i constanly compared my things with another ones, when tumblr got really viral in 2010/11 with all the harry potter's content i was in the middle of it feeling mediocre because i couldn't make a proper coloring and didn't even know how to put sharpen and etc. like the great ccs alreayd was doing at that time. i saw every big network birth and huge other creators receiving that great attention after me and constanly made the same questions that you made on your post. the worst one was: i will never be as talented or creative as this person will i? and that is the WORST feeling to have as a creator. because you started to doubt yourself, your talent, your colors... and we shouldn't do it because every person has his own colors, his own style. we shouldn't doubt about the encouraging comments people left on our posts or our work in general. every single one of us has his own way to see beauty, so we must believe in that. i took so long to make my bangtan blog because i was so afraid!!! afraid of the people but mostly afraid of myself. i talked about it not long ago on my blog. anyway, honey please don't let this feeling be more than you are! you're talented, there's no "oh you like that person's posts more because she/he is more talented than me" it's your brain trying to confused you. tumblr creators has often this feeling as my personal experience can tell 😖 i particularly am very glad that you started giffing, i really am. because you make things that you like, with your own personal way to make it, your comps are majestic, the choreo gifs, everything and would never be able to do that and it's all fine... i love to see the improvement on your things... but you don't have to be so HARD to yourself. let things be as they are. if you wanna make diff things, so make it, if you wanna keep as you are, so keep it. everything is fine as long as you're comfortable with it. i hope i could make sense, i hate english, but it's the only language i can talk with my friends so... 😔 sorry if i interpreted your vent post differently tho. wishing nothing but the best, sweet. if you need anything, i'm on a message away 🌷

before i begin answering this, thank you for checking in in general pat, it means a lot to know that at least one person cared enough to. also yes, i pinned your post (which i'm very much in love with wbk) and realized it matches my theme perfectly. go figure lol.

as for said vent post? i wish i could say it was a byproduct of the time of the month but as someone who works in a creative field for a living & is now a part time content creator for this site, i think the imposter syndrome is an unfortunate but inevitable side effect. am i aware that it's my own brain playing tricks on me? yes. does it stop it from happening? no. deep down, i know i'm good at what i do; in fact, there's so much i've gotten better at and i'm proud of myself for it but when you see other creators getting more attention and love for their work? yeah, it can be easy to spiral and doubt not only your abilities but your worth and what you actually contribute to this site.

i'm doing my best to undo this mentality, it's a work in progress to be sure. i know you and so many others appreciate my creations, that's what keeps me going on some days because if not, i think i would've quit ages ago. truth be told, sometimes i still feel like it but i do enjoy the process of making gifs and trying out new things, so don't worry i'm not going anywhere in that sense. but i was serious about taking a break from posting for a bit, i'm feeling the emotional drainage and i need some time to recover before i get back into the swing of things.

i digress, thank you for taking the time to reassure me and honestly just being one of the sweetest & most supportive people here. i couldn't be more grateful to have you in my life, i hope you take care and i hope you get better soon (i saw your post about having an infection, ooft). all my love as always 💞💗

[marsoid]

Hi, I love your work!

I have read almost everything I find online made by you.

I really love Long Exposure, I will have read it I don't know how many times. I love your style so decisive and descriptive.

If you allow me I have some questions from artist to artist. if you had to describe your drawing style or styles similar to yours with one word what would you call it? I have been drawing for 6 years now, I have a semi-realistic style, but I would like to imprint myself more on a style that I define as "cartoon" or "stylized" like yours. How would you recommend that I start approaching a less realistic style? what helped you in the beginning?

TYVM

oh god the style question.. i never know how to answer the style question because i am a believer in the idea that your style is both something that happens naturally AND something you have to deliberately formulate

maybe it's two separate things (im making this up as i go) (aka take w grain of salt) like maybe your "art style" and "artist trademarks" are intertwined but also kind of 2 different things. for the sake of explanation let's assume "art style" is how you deliberately choose to draw, and "artist trademarks" are things unique to your art that you didn't choose to incorporate but make your art YOURS

there's no way for me to explain how or why my "artistic trademarks" are the way they are because they come from my lived experiences or whatever. that's why everyone's art is technically unique even if you're purposely trying to copy someone else's

as for "art style"... i guess mine changed the most in my brief time at art school. my art went from what i would have described as kinda... ATLA/LOK inspired? and then i took a costumed figure drawing class where the point was to stylize/exaggerate the shit out of the figure you're studying. which was cool bc it was the exact opposite of what i had been taught previously, which was "copy figure exactly how u see it"

i also learned that having a "cool style" meant jack shit if your artistic skillset wasn't very strong yet. i think stylized art done well is harder to achieve than photo realism and takes more skill. controversial opinion that u dont have to agree w i dont care but im just trying to say that if you dont like your art rn, the answer might be Get Good and not Change Art Style (i mean this generally speaking too not Just You idk what ur art looks like)....... like personally i feel like my art style hasn't changed too much over the years, i've just improved as an artist (hopefully LMAO) so what you might like abt my art might be less the style and more the fact that i am consciously making an effort to improve by studying. and i still got a longgg way to go because there is no end point, we gonna be studying and ideally improving forever

um so i guess to actually answer ur question "how do i stylize my art" maybe find a photo and exaggerate stuff and try diff things until it makes u go "oh hell yea"

[whentherewerebicycles]

time for a HOUSE UPDATE!! sorry this is of interest to absolutely no one but me but I am aggressively nesting and must narrate the process (story of my life).

well I absolutely love my place and literally the only thing I would change about it is the four-foot 1970s-style overhang that juts out over the giant picture window in the living room, which means I only get bright indirect light and never direct light indoors even during the day. but honestly it’s livable and I imagine that soon there will be very little sunlight to speak of so it probably won’t matter all that much.

here’s what’s left in each room:

LIVING ROOM

I swatched three other colors on posterboard and will hang them up to look at throughout the week (including when the rain starts and I get my first taste of PNW winter). I would like to re-paint that room this weekend or next.

I need a TV console but they’re so expensive. I think I’ll keep putting it off a while longer.

two of the gallery wall pieces aren’t quite right but I’m going to wait till I repaint to fix

I could do something better with that plant corner but that feels like a winter project

the blinds need to be restrung but I might ask my parents to help me with that in November. ditto with installing the curtain rod.

everything else is perfect! the new recliner maybe isn’t the best fit in the space but omg it’s soooooo comfy and nice for reading or watching. and the cozy levels of the sectional area are absolutely off the charts omg the extra pillows & oversized throw I bought this weekend catapulted that part of the room to a new level. sooooooo good and so fun as a space for entertaining.

KITCHEN

all good for now. would love to put up a backsplash at some point (the whole area around the sink is just blah—too many shades of white and off-white) but that might be like, a year 2 project. it’s functional! switching up the orientation of the kitchen table + adding a plant cart made such a difference in that space. it’s way cozier!

HALF BATH & LAUNDRY ROOM

now these rooms are both going to be top candidates for a winter renovation project. I think they will be fun rooms to collect lots of Pinterest inspiration for—they’re small rooms so I feel like I can do something bold and fun in there with color and/or patterns. but for now they are functional and that’s all they need to be!

in the short term though I need to declutter the laundry room (might tackle that today)

DAYROOM/OFFICE

no idea why the paint is photographing like that please trust me it is still the most beautiful color imaginable

I still need to fix the standing desk but will probably give that task to my dad

I need to declutter and organize the big closet (currently my junk space). I bought a nicer dresser for my bedroom and I think I’m going to move the old dresser into the closet to use as an organized storage space. this will be a good weekend project—maybe even this weekend if I don’t paint.

I want to eventually transform this room into my cozy winter writing space. my goal is to figure out a good way to slightly partition off the room so that my office/work desk area feels visually separated from the couch area without making the room feel too cramped or segmented. right now I’m using that plant cart but I’m thinking I’ll eventually get a long low bookshelf (maybe waist-high) to put there so I can put a row of plants along the top and have book storage space on the bottom. I may also experiment with moving the tiger rug up here and getting a diff rug that’s a better match for the kitchen. tbd!!

I’m also going to hang the whiteboard, move Pip’s bed over to that corner so it’s hidden behind the partition, get rid of the IKEA chair in the far corner, move in a small little coffee table in front of the sofa, and get some throw pillows and blankets that actually work in that room. I may also put up curtains to pull that window area together a bit more.

I should really get a pullout couch or comfy futon for guests instead of the current beat-up sofa but I’m loath to spend lots of money on that room when I think that might be the nursery (or foster kid bedroom) within the next couple years depending on how things go. anyway it’s fine for now!

OH and crucially I gotta figure out the walls. I think instead of a gallery wall I may do shelves with leaning framed art + small objects like I had in my old living room. but first I have to figure out how the rest of the room will be arranged so I know what to center the shelves on. I think getting stuff on the walls will make this space feel more like an actual room and not just the place where I cram stuff that doesn’t have a home yet.

LITTLE LIBRARY

I adore this little room that is all lol

I need to finish scraping paint off the ceiling (it’s not hard it just takes some elbow grease)

I may want to get a little side table for my squirrel lamp + a little plant to go under the Rohan poster.

I want to get a small round rug but it’s not urgent! I also kinda have to decide if I want this to be a reading nook with a beanbag or small cozy chair or if I just want it to be a nice-looking open storage area.

oh and I need to organize my books at some point lol I just threw them on the shelves so I could get rid of the boxes

MY BEDROOM

this will be a winter project… it’s functional for now but it’s very bare bones. I am leaning towards doing a rich dark teal accent wall behind the bed and leaving the rest of the room white OR maybe doing a terracotta pink accent wall but we’ll see—I reallyyyyyyy don’t want to paint right now lol

I have two nightstands and a dresser coming this week so that should be a big upgrade to that room visually

I am going to buy a cheap new headboard to replace my cheap old headboard

for art… I think I may want to do a small gallery wall of fandom stuff (My Guys!) over the dresser in this little recessed area of the room—it’s visible from the bed but not from the hall so I think that’s a good compromise on Decorating Like An Adult and following my heart’s desire to plaster images of My Guys everywhere aha. for the rest of the room I think I need to do more Pinterest browsing for inspiration… maybe some bigger art pieces or maybe some shelves with plants or maybe something else who can say!! the space is perfectly usable right now and I can slowly acquire things & ideas to improve it.

[thewritershelpers]

Improving Your Writing when English Isn’t Your First Language (mega-ask)

As you can see above, we've gotten more than one question about writing, improving your writing, and even publishing in English when it's not your native language. First off: that's awesome. To anyone writing or even consuming in a language that's not your first, kudos to you.

You can google any variation of this question and get different articles with a ton of the same advice, and some with conflicting advice. Not only have I compiled the most commonly repeated information, but I've also reached out to people on our Discord server and others for their personal experiences.

I'll start off by listing concise versions of the advice and then expound on them further on in the article. Remember that we are not experts on your writing and that everyone learns in different ways and at different paces. These are in no particular order.

-be patient

-practice

-get feedback from native sources

-don't undermine yourself to your audience

-Grammarly

-research

-don't get discouraged

Be patient

That's first because, well, duh. Patience is so important for both yourself and your writing. Writing is hard enough of a passion without the added difficulty of doing it in a language that doesn't come naturally. In the world of literature, writing/publishing in your non-native language isn't just a matter of translating words. It requires translating of ideas, concepts, and even cultural norms, which is why just slapping it into Google translate won't work.

Part of the reason for the advice of having patience, too, is that writing in your native language needs to take time. It doesn't really matter how fast you can whip out 20 pages of a first draft--it'll still be a simple first draft. Writing is a craft that requires not just love and passion but time. So what if you need a little bit of extra time--or a lot of extra time--because you're accomplishing a feat most don't even think about attempting?

Next is to practice.

That goes hand in hand with what I said about being patient. Again, writing in and of itself is all about practice and doing it daily (not that I'm an expert on getting that done, but you know). But when it comes to practice another language, there are different ways you can do that. You can reach out to native speakers (for English, there are going to be so many people willing to help, even just in our community! you just need to ask) and practice having conversations or ask them to look over your work. Practice by turning on your favorite movie or TV show in English with subtitles in your native language. Watch videos on YouTube, find a Spotify playlist/podcast, in your target language. There's also plenty of people who have done what you're trying to do who have shared their experiences and what helped them on those same platforms.

Get feedback from native speakers

This is a bit of an expansion on what I mentioned in the previous paragraph. In my experience, and from what others have shared, writing in a non-native language can be pretty clinical. Writing with figurative language or in metaphors won't be as easy or come as naturally as it does in your own language. Things like idioms and even pop cultures reference aren't always going to translate even if you have the exact words. That's where native speakers come into play. If they're willing to look over your work, whether as a friend or in an editorial position, they can give you advice about whether the wording in one spot sounds clunky or if a phrase doesn't make sense or if there're synonyms for what you already used to help convey your message even stronger.

Don't undermine yourself

This is something that I personally am saying. It's not mentioned on any of the linked sites, and no one I talked to said it. But as someone who is a native English speaker (and even has a degree in it) I think this is super important. This point goes towards native English speakers/writers, too. Don't undersell yourself and undermine your work to the audience before they have even picked it up. Disclaimers are different, and it all comes down to the words you use and how you use them. Let your readers know, whether it's people on AO3 or a literary agent, that English isn't your first language. Let them know concisely that they may find some basic errors--but stop there. Don't grovel. You have nothing to apologize for, especially once you've given that warning (those is it really a warning? what's so dangerous or scary about a few mistakes?). You're writing is not going to be any less of an accomplishment for a few grammatical errors, or mistranslated phrases, or even typos. I've seen so many mistakes in published works that it's kind of ridiculous. But if you put something out there for someone to read and in the same breath say "I don't know that this is worth reading" I'm going to need extra convincing to pick it up. *kicks soapbox away*

Grammarly

*NOT sponsored*

Grammarly is a wonderful tool that you can use, for FREE. It not only (with the free version) helps correct spelling and grammar, but can also help point out the tone you're writing with. For example, right now, Grammarly is telling me that this writing sounds mostly informative--which it's meant to be--and a little appreciative and friendly. When sending emails I've had it tell me that it sounds formal (which I was going for), and I've also had it not say anything because the text was a different kind of writing (like when I'm proof-reading something being posting it on AO3...). I honestly don't know what else it helps with once you've paid because I've been happily using the free version for about 3 years now.

Research

Don't be afraid to pick up a book, or head to the library, or pull up Google. Research is paramount to writing anyway, let alone once you're doing it in another language. Your research options are limitless and can include your mutuals on social media as well as those dictionaries that translate from one language into another. Research can also include (in my humble opinion) binge-watching/reading your favorite things...in English. In four years of university, one of the most frequently said things was to improve your writing 1) write every day and 2) read every day. You're never going to learn from worrying or overthinking, and you're also never going to learn from just doing DuoLingo (that's more conversational than literary anyway).

Something a member of Discord specifically said in relation to research was to look at morphology, at the roots of words (and root words). Morphology is, in linguistics, looking at how words are formed. For example, let's look at "biology". There are parts to this word that each has a different meaning, that formed together created a new/elevated meaning. "ology" means the study of something, and bio means life. So biology is, simply, the study of life. Once you've got those basics of things like "ology" under your belt it'll become easier to not just translate words but the concepts (if this works with your learning style).

Last but not least, don't get discouraged.

Writers of all kinds get discouraged when writing in their native language. Even those of us who speak English as our first language make mistakes worth discouragement (you will never know how many typos were corrected by Grammarly as I wrote this all out the first time). English is not an easy language. It's not the hardest, but it's far from easy (learning another language isn't easy regardless of what languages are involved). This is a post from someone who is a non-native English speaker but you would never know unless they told us.

While researching for this, I found some articles/blog posts that said mostly the same thing, and are where I got some of the information

This one is from a native English speaker giving advice

This one is for writing for non-native English readers, but still has good advice

And finally this one is a blog post (I think) from someone who is a non-native English speaker!

In specific response to some of the asks:

English, like any other language, changes. It's a very dynamic language, actually, and from region to region, there will not only be different accents but different frames of reference. 1950 isn't so far back in time for the English to be drastically different from what is spoken today, but I'm in the USA and you're asking about Oxford. English in England has very different nuances, even more so than you would get between California and Texas and New York. This is a link to the Oxford English Dictionary list of words that became more common in the 50s. However, this is a generalized list, not specific to any English-speaking country let alone region or city. If you're wanting to look at how to convey the accent of people from/in Oxford, there are videos on YouTube of people speaking in different accents so that you can have an idea, a comparison, at least in your own mind. With the 50s it's going to be more just thinking really of what words and lifestyles and things weren't around yet; cell phones didn't exist yet. Here's another link to some stock images of Oxford in the 50s. Remember, this time was very close to WWII so there'll be lingering effects of that, especially in England.

About fight scenes and curses, there's a ton of resources on that. If you just search "fight" on our page, you'll get a ton of posts answering that question. Also, here's a link to a superb and excellent source on writing fight scenes. When it comes to curses...just watch Rage Quit on YouTube, or spend a while on TikTok. If you want to dive right in just Google "English curses" and there'll be YouTube videos, entries on Urban Dictionary, you name it.

When it comes to publishing, once you've gotten your manuscript is a perfect time to have a native-speaking friend look it over. Whether editing is their thing or not, they'll be able to help with the things that are really obvious. I don't have any experience publishing in a different language, though, so there might be other resources along the different stages to help you. Some general publishing advice I've gotten: when wanting to publish fiction, literature, start small. Start with short stories in literary journals, online and in print. You really can't make much headway with large publishing houses without a literary agent and it'll be easier to attract one if you have evidence that you can write, and write well enough people want to read it. When it comes to poetry, just start submitting. Get familiar with the process, and educate yourself on things like simultaneous submissions and a good rejection. Publishing is an ever-changing game that isn't cut and dry in any language or country. We can't tell you what's best, but my advice is to go with your gut and try your best. Don't be afraid to try again, too.

Everyone overthinks their writing. Or at least, everyone I know who writes does. Honestly, in my opinion, if you're not overthinking at least a little bit, you're not worried enough. You will never be able to fully know whether you've explained or described enough. A good chunk of the experience is up to the readers, so you have to leave them some wiggle room for imagination. But that doesn't mean you have to cheapen your story or short-change your characters. You mention specifically that you're POC, which I'm gonna guess also means that your characters will be POC. It's never too much to specify the race/ethnicity of your characters, even in a fantasy work. How you go about writing those descriptions might need to change but it's kind of like chocolate chips, in my mind: you decide those things with your soul.

So, there you have it. A ridiculously long way to say: you're awesome, you do you, practice, love yourself and your writing, and don't be afraid to put yourself out there (in any way).

(images read:

Anonymous said: Im writing a book based in Oxford in 1950s. how was the language different from now. I am not from an English speaking country at all. Never been outside my country either. And Im going to write a book based in England in English

Anonymous said: Hi there, I’m a writer for almost 3 years now but since English isn’t my first language I get discouraged easily if things I write come off strange to myself. Do you maybe have any advice for me, on how to motivate myself and not comparing myself with native English speakers? Thank you in advance!

Anonymous said: Hello! I starting to work on this shortfic but it’s been really hard. It’s like I’m trying to building a house alone and with my bare hands. Even though I’m already used to write in mother tongue. Any advice for non-english speaker trying to write their first story in English?

Yaelburstine said: Hi. Do you have any tips about how to write a good fight scene and curses that people speak English get cus’ it’s not my first language

gyger said: I am not a native english speaker, but most of the books I read are in english and I generally prefer writing in english as well. However, I am worried about making mistakes that I can’t recognize myself. I have no idea how good my english is to a native english speaker, plus some things are easier to write in my native tongue (such as dialogue). I’m also worried about publishing, since that definitely would be easier in my country than abroad. How do I decide what language to choose?

Anonymous said: As a POC writer and English as their second language, I overthink all the writing I do. I feel like I don’t describe my ideas thoroughly or my character descriptions are vague or not good enough. I’m currently working on a YA novel but I plan on writing a YA fantasy novel but I feel like my lack of vocabulary and grammar structure makes me give up on finishing my book. Is this normal for native English speaking authors or is this considered a language barrier thing? Thanks! Love your blog!

Thank you for your questions, and for your patience as we do our best to answer them.

-S

[unproduciblesmackdown]

another prompt saga

April 8th: Talk about friendship. How important are friends to you? Do you find it hard to make and maintain friendships? Are your friends generally supportive? Is there anything about having friends that confuses you?

another big question for me to go on plenty of tangents lol

well i haven't often had friends Really, there's like, being amicable with classmates, being friends with people While We're At School Together, being friendly acquaintances lmfao, or like, the occasional "yeah ig we're sort of friends, not exactly very close tho" lol and then rarely where yeah i'd call someone a close friend, although naturally, it's not like i completely discount those other, less close relationships. and, even more so, not like overall i'm like "oh friendship? yeah that's pretty frivolous and unimportant and it's just something mildly entertaining vs the Real Shit & True Emotional Support & Love of your biological family and romantic soulmate" lol, Friends Are Important and it's entirely serious 2 me

also natch i Do find it hard to make and maintain friendships lol. goes back to like, preschool and being around a bunch of age peers regularly for the first time, where my "best friend" defaulted to this one person who sought out interacting with me when i was otherwise doing my own thing during preschool recess, and i was pretty enthused about getting invited to a bday party one kid invited a bunch of us to, because that was like, a Friend thing, and a fun social thing, and i was included.....that i Do remember just feeling like, socially, everyone else was playing a game i didn't know the rules to and so couldn't expect to participate and, furthermore, i ought to stay out of the way of whatever everyone else was doing, where i Did often choose to do stuff by myself, but it's like, you know, the way "autistic" is even used figuratively (which. i have a lot of disdain for) because it's like oh the defining thing really is that telltale "doesn't want to interact with other people or form relationships, probably because also they have no feelings / normal and intrinsic qualities of Humanity" but it's like, if you pay any attention or god forbid ask autistic people about their own experiences, sure everyone has their own varying social approach and anyone might not always be raring to be the center of the party or Not want to do their own thing, but it's not that oh all autistic people aren't interested in social connection, but that like even when you are a small child it's like, oh all these other kids are interacting in this way that isn't really my social style and that shuts me out, and/or attempting to interact with people results in this even subtle, quiet rejection / exclusion that can be picked up on. i wasn't making friends and was often keeping to myself / keeping my head down as it were, but it wasn't because i didn't want to have friends or socialize. my mom was insistent i was a Shy Child lmao and i'd always argue that i wasn't Really, without further explanation though lmao, but it's like, again that i felt that sort of emergent exclusion, and there wasn't any space to interact much on my terms at all, and like, yeah i often stayed quiet / didn't want to mingle with other kids / if i was in a Situation i wanted to know the How To of navigating it / what to expect

being friends with people at school was fine, except the drawbacks of stuff like "we're only interacting at school, rarely hanging out outside of that" & "someone in the same grade is in a diff class in elementary school so we just never see each other now" & "for some reason that 2nd grade teacher made a whole giant Example out of me and a friend, god forbid, not paying attention or whatever the fuck, so now i feel like we can't interact at all anymore" & "changing schools entirely between elementary / middle / college" & "not being in school" lmao similar to work friends too, we're At Work, might not see each other outside of that, might change jobs & stop seeing each other, & still overall rare, b/c the Preschool Experience never Really stopped imo, had different versions of it even into college and like, being at jobs with other adults lmao, socializing is still Like That, came up with the Je Ne Hate Quoi where like, people kind of just Know to exclude you / consider you an exception to whatever other social stuff is going on.

and then like, the difficulties even when socializing / interactions Are happening, where like, it's always funny like. i'm very Verbose / Chatty and very opinionated but like, this will surprise people, that i Talk actually and have a ton of takes, b/c i was keeping to myself / not sharing that with them and so it's like well, that must of course be the realest version of me, no way i was filtering myself, i just must have Not Wanted to talk, and/or had nothing to say & hence no thoughts or feelings i might wanna share lol, of course....and tbh like, it sure Can be true that i don't wanna talk lmao like. i wanna talk About Stuff that isn't really "personal" generally, which can be like, yeah i wanna talk about this book, or about birds, or about this trivia topic, or whatever, whereas idk so much how to do like small talk about your day or otherwise share Casual things about Yourself, like, idk, being aware my interests are things about Myself but also aware that it's Weird / wasn't the kind of stuff you were supposed to talk about, and i felt that things about my life were otherwise Not The Right Stuff, or too boring (never hanging out, not doing much except being at home reading / doing shit by myself or w/siblings) or too Unfun (able to pick up the sense that At Home Shittiness was a private matter lol......) and it'd be like, idk what to say, things about myself don't seem to fit..........but also it can be that i do not enjoy the Vibe of an interaction lmfaoooo like, i truly do not want to talk to you people. like that i can sometimes vibe with someone inebriated people better lmfao because then, idk, they have some sense of humor and can muster some enthusiasm for anything, but also i'm not really a fan of knowing that someone isn't sober lmfao like. ppl will be like "omg were you drunk" like no, that was just my personality, whereas i am not Heartened to know other ppl Will have to have been drunk to get on my level, for example, don't understand when people cannot muster being even a little silly. it's goofaround hours. but then you have like, being around a bunch of cishet people when they're drunk, and their humor is as nonexistent and boring as ever but they're even louder / more insistent about it, nightmare. and, yknow, just people talking and i'm like "i'm not interested in this at all, whether re: conversational Style or Subject, i would not want to participate" and times when it's like. i know if i was gonna chime in with what i Would say you would not be able to handle me here lmfaoooo so. i truly would prefer examining the wall and thinking about my own shit or texting with someone i do like talking with

but that yknow, in groups / conversations i would be at least someone interested in, i can still be like, idk, Hesitant To Talk b/c of all the instances you've been taught like oh you're socializing Wrong and everyone hated that, sorta like the post about making a comment about salsa that brings the gc to a halt and you're wondering how you fucked up and if salsa killed someone's parents and forgot or whatever, i've been Disheartened re: hanging out when it's like, well, nice to be included, but i'm a friendship third wheel here, not being included in the entire convo and nobody misses it, there's been instances where it's like, two people talking, i chime in, i am completely ignored multiple times, this is frustrating lmao. or there's been times i've tried to put myself out there in a way, like yeah sure i'll hang out with this group, but also i'm anxious and it's like, if people are doing homework i'm also bringing this thing i'm working on as this parallel task, only to find out down the line like people then regarded you as a joke or something b/c it was Rude or Wrong when you know, actually that was you reading some weird shit that didn't exist into the situation, and just like, idk it's wild how people will have like "graciously" declined to express something to your face, and you either can pick up on shit at the time but not be able to say anything which just reads to people like "oh they didn't notice this / that means you can push it a little further next time even" or like, figure out later that something that seemed positive or decent actually ft. people not liking you / not wanting to include you Yet Again, and as a bonus you're left with you know, having to always worry about if people Seemingly being amicable & accepting is actually them wishing you weren't there or solidifying some Interpretations of you that they're then gonna Talk About or Act On behind the scenes, like, beautiful thank you, always very touching, so glad you were so Considerate of someone's feelings and Nice about this where it just ends up being this whole letdown / feeling like even more of a rejection if there was this weird like stringing along lmao like. can allistic people be normal for five minutes

anyways and tied to that sort of, it's also like, simultaneously Cagey About Things and always worried about like, i could tell this person this thing and maybe it'd be Incorrect for the interaction and they won't care, whether because it's too mundane and boring a thing about you or because it's too #Real, i think i glimpsed something a month or so ago about like "do other autistic people have trouble where like, you can be friends with someone a long time but not get particular Close to them" or whatever lol, where like, well i have to hold everyone at arm's length and often Then Some because there's just matter of fact stuff about me that i nonetheless think i can't or shouldn't share, if i talked about something it might be out of the blue b/c i just was hardly confiding in people about it, or it's boring, or it's like, i don't actually feel like i'm close enough with this person that saying this isn't gonna be like "whoa overshare!! i just feel awkward & weird!" lmfao like. there were people i hung out with in person the year i lived out of my car and i did not mention this at all to them / kept it a secret b/c it's like, not out of like ohh this is a secret b/c No One Can Know, some people Could know lmao (shoutout to the person i Did confide in about these problems and who talked with me at what must've been like 3am in that timezone when i was like "well the rich people around here made sure to get cops to harass an unhoused person, e.g. me, would you believe it, it sucked" lmfao) it's that i knew idk, it would be pointless, they'd just feel weird about it and switch into that "for some reason, this is being Nice" where everyone will go into full Putting On A Front mode to be Polite like, that really sucks actually lmao could you Not. but it's like, idk, all this stuff where it's like "this thing about me / my life would be too Boring or too Awkward or Depressing or Etc Etc" turns out to be isolating / alienating b/c like, of course it would be. and idk nobody i ever made friends with in person i was Confiding in, not a ton of them re: me either, because you know. being cagey and wary, on top of like ohhh this person is Standoffish if they're hesitant to interact with people generally or do their own thing or i don't think they're socializing Right / have incorrectly inferred their feelings/motivations/intentions or whatever

and furthermore on that lmao it's also like, again, while i'm Verbose & Opinionated people will think i'm quiet & have no takes to provide because it's also like, even when it comes to stuff i sure feel i Could talk freely about, it's like, if i have a different opinion here will that just be a conversational Interruption ruining things for the real participants, probably nobody wants to hear me talk about this Subject, probably nobody wants to / would let me talk about it at much length without interrupting, even Online lmao i can be just going all out in terms of [how much i can talk about something] and while people can be Into that at that time it's like, people aren't into that beyond that one back and forth on one day, shoutout when people do enjoy the extensive discussing and/or have patience for it other times lol.

then supposing i Am talking to people lmao it's like, idk i'm an acquired taste or what have you, like, on top of the Talking A Ton it's like, the being opinionated and argumentative and sometimes pedantic or whatever on top of being irritable, could stand to be a bit more patient lmao, The Hater Friend to use the figure of speech lmao i have hardly been in a Group to be The [Any] Friend lol, also if my sense of humor doesn't fit it's like well how am i supposed to be silly, if being sometimes Enthused doesn't fit, again kinda an issue......have described myself as A Bit Much, humorously, but already not doing that as Much b/c it's like, i think i'm still too much like considering other people's opinions too "objective" here when like, first of all that's never accurate lmao, second of all i can easily forget that idk, i can at least in theory expect people to just regularly Like me and Enjoy interacting with me lol so. an acquired taste few can sample..........like hey even if other people don't vibe with me, it can just as much be the case that i'm not vibing with other people, don't worry lmao. and yknow, kinda parallel to Masking to seem acceptable in any casual social situation it's like, if i feel i'm suppressing my whole personality here / putting up a front / like i have to Get Through what should be a friendly interaction rather than be able to enjoy it myself, it's not exactly that rewarding. and plenty of times it's like, i like to be around people, but it can be strangers, i don't feel like "oh i wanna go out to eat / see a movie / go to this event, but if i can't get any friends to go, guess i can't!" like get out of the way i'm readily doing shit alone, it can even feel Better that way if otherwise it's like, now this occasion is about performing peak Agreeability for this other person/people, and like, not like i have ever been like "yes i have people i can readily ask to hang out and they'll be like Ya" anyways lol so. used to operating solo, where you can't be like "aha this is because this person has no Human Interest in Human Connection" when it's like. well it was never all up to me was it

well and so also it helped when i was 14 and able to be Online consistently, vs at home lmao. time for online friendship, which i don't think is like, oh that's not Real, like what sorry have you never known about people who have Remote friendships before, phones & letters & telegrams and also [nowadays when many ppl are Remote even if they usually lived near enough to hang out with] where it's like, you have this different format for socializing that can sure play out differently than Real Time, In Person interactions, and ever since i'll be posting mostly to myself lmfao but able to thusly talk about Interests and like, people will come along who want to talk more about it, then we do. i suppose also it can sure help that i'll draw (and Only draw, lol) for said interests, although tbh i think most of the time it's the extensive text posts that do it? really and great litmus test or whatever lmfao like, well already this person must not hate the verbosity. and then you can end up vibing with these people further, or not, but it's like, again, there's this chance for From The Start like, oh this person Likes that i have this niche interest, they like &/or don't mind talking A Lot about it lmao, vs in person introductions where that can sure happen but it's like, that's gonna be chance & spontaneous, whereas ppl might have the opportunity to Seek Out this interaction / content of yours......even online though, i'm still like, not as inclined to reach out or make the first interaction move or whatever lmao so. and then it's like, people make galaxy brain remarks like "ohh people who are very Online don't have friends, irl, they aren't Personable, irl," like yes congratulations i'm autistic and i don't have many In Person friends generally, sometimes maybe not any, don't really know where people think they'll land their argument here. like, follow it through, are you just calling people losers. is it "social media makes peopel Not social" like nobody is Doing Anything when they're online or everyone is embracing strangers and having heart to hearts every weekday morning with whoever is nearby if only they weren't on twitter? plus the fact that like, if i don't have access to people i interact with online, that doesn't like, force me to become neurotypical so that i then have a thriving in person social circle, it just means i'm more isolated? meanwhile, turns out it helps a lot if it's like, yeah i can Expect to interact with people

and then still like, all the time it might be like i still can feel Confused as it were about How To Talk To People lmfao like. there's not much "Just Be Yourself" when being yourself has meant filtering yourself, actually, and being v self conscious about trying (and often failing) to appeal to other people (which, then if you do succeed, it's like oops this person likes me but if i've been putting up a front the whole time, not super Validating) and not exactly a ton of practice getting to do Otherwise, and it can again be like. is this too boring to talk about, or just somewhat arbitrarily like "oh i'd better Not talk / say whatever" for no real reason lmfao, i Can just get like. Real Time Chatty as it were, but it's difficult actually lmfao like i need a lot of momentum, and it's easy for that to be Not the case.......and just like, again that it's easy to forget you don't have to be in "nobody wants to hear you talk" mode, or think like, okay, i can't just say anything, i have to say something Good, aka of interest or funny or whatever lmao but then it's like well i guess i Can just say anything. don't much know how to do that tho

(also, sidenote from "wtf is thinking being friends w/someone online is faker than when you're friends with someone sort of from being in the same building every weekday, what is the conclusion of 'what a loser geek whatever if you care about connecting Online who can't be popular Offline'" where it's always funny when someone is also like "wow even in person Fandom is, like social media, something that only people who suck at socializing Normally are into" lmfao like. not very relevant b/c nobody wants to really be in a broader fanbase rather than find particular kindred spirits through it, and who actually wants to go to comic con or whatever, sounds like a nightmare, but it's still such a faux analytical perspective lmfao like, again, first of all, what's the Conclusion to your argument here? and secondly honestly like. all versions of Small Talk are kinda gonna be bullshit, even amongst say, nt people, there's nothing Universal, and people can certainly be inconsiderate / preclude any genuine connection via what they might consider to be this neutral part of the ritual, and yknow, i find it kinda exhausting like it's peak Time To Mask and then i'm hardly in the mood to Really talk further, like yknow what. idk i'd be annoyed if someone demanded i Correctly Complete some sort of fandom reference by way of greeting, but i'm also annoyed when someone demands i Correctly Complete whatever maneuvers you're supposed to do with a rhetorical "how are you :)" lmfao like. you're a cringe nerd in the rigid social ritual of pleasantries fandom)

anyways and uhh yeah i also yknow, hashtag alana beck, it's like, glad to pretend Friendly Acquaintances makes sense, i guess it can, but it's great when it's like, oh i Don't have to only expect to be really peripheral in people's lives, or to only be friends with people i don't feel like i vibe with That much or also talk to that much about anything, when i can definitely feel like Yes this person is a Friend, no "are they actually closer to an acquaintance at this point" disclaimers needed, again, taking it back to the fact that friendship sure is Significant to me and when i have it that's v important thanks

so it's like uhhhh yeah difficult to make friends, don't have general appeal or whatever lol, ppl aren't on my wavelength or i'm not on theirs, hard to talk to people even though it's not because i don't/can't talk plenty lmfao.......and re: being Supportive it's like well, i don't really tell people In Person i'm autistic but naturally if you follow me Online here i am talking about it lol, and not like anyone who already knew me & was friends with me was like "oh nvm don't like interacting with you now" and i also gotta mention the like Handshake Lgbtq lifehack, where plenty of times it can be like, oh if we vibe on That wavelength it can be easier to befriend people, and/or that people will at least be more like, amicable / supportive based on Knowing you're handshake on that lol. b/c really it's like, i'd also like to just be allowed to talk and/or simply be around people even if we are not Personal Friends, aka that you can expect to be treated decently with some basic respect / consideration and like you're generally allowed to exist and be present and interact with people where you're not only guaranteed to Not be punished / excluded for it if someone's your individual friend and allows you to be here, so. once again it's like, can allistic ppl be normal for 5 min

[estrelladeishtar-archive]

Howdy!! I absolutely adore your art!! Especially the lighting! Do you have any methods or tips you could share on how you do your lighting?? Thank you! -Diamond Anon

Just got to this, but! I certainly appreciate the compliment o/

& as for lighting tips. Well, I’m not exactly the best at explaining, but I will try so bear w me LMAOI am going to preface this with the fact that looking up references, studying how lighting works irl on different surfaces as well as color theory stuff helps a LOT with improving, so that’s one thing I will throw out there

That said…

I will admit, I tend to use the Addition/Luminosity effect quite a lot with my stuff (primarily with glow effects but I also have used it w other stuff regarding lighting in general) A thing I try to do always is figure out what colors I plan to use for lighting as that helps me get an idea of what colors the shadows will be, how the lighting colors impact the colors of the environment/characters if I need to add any layer effects to help the colors work better together, etc. Here’s sort of an example to show what I mean with how colors tend to be affected (full res images are here, for better reference https://sta.sh/2u5palrezxt )

Before lighting:

After lighting:

I also try to map out where lighting comes from/where my light sources are, as that helps me get a clear view of where I need to shade, what I need to shade, etc. The image above does kinda have a bit of mapping shown with the highlights, given where the rays of light come out from, but also here are other examples. Another thing to add as well is that unless you’re in a completely dark room/almost completely dark, lighting does tend to come from different angles & diff objects can affect the colors of one another

(full res images for this are here https://sta.sh/2oe7mymaqvq )

I also will add, another thing I tend to do a lot with my work is, well.I tend to work backwards with shading– that is, with shading pieces, after I lay out the base colors, I will use a clipping layer to color all of it w the color of the shadows (without merging the layer):

&, before I merge said layer, I will erase away at the areas where the lighting hits. Basically, see it more as reverse shading/working from darkest to lightest colorsI found this method helps me a /lot/ more personally, but that’s me of course!

In the case of my simplest ‘shading’ style however, all I do is lay out base colors & then just add highlights where I feel is necessary depending on lighting o: like so (also yes hello a preview to a thing ima have done today):

Another thing to note, the way lighting looks will appear differently on diff surfaces, you need to take into account the texture of the object you’re doing lighting for & how it will look, & this is where I most recommend studying things irl– for example, lighting on a metal object will look different compared to cloth, clothing can have diff textures to affect how lighting looks, so on & so forth.

From there a lot of other stuff comes down to stylization of my own! Experiment with different things, see what you like/don’t like, find what you feel works best for you!

But yeah, I do hope this helps yo o/ might probs be a bit lengthy but regardless I hope I explained things well enough!Also I hope my handwriting is understandable as I was making quick notes lmao

[lanasaved]

sssslithers onto the scene like nagini.... hlo! i’m nai n i’m rly excited to finally return 2 rp. uni is officially Over n i’m living bk at home nw so i actually hav free time again to write. c’est une.... how do u say.... Miracle! some of u might b familiar w lana already bt if not u can find out mre abt her under the cut n feel free 2 like this or hmu fr plots!!!

p.s. this is her pinterest for those of u tht like tht kind of thing

CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say LANA JAMESON looks a lot like KRISTINE FROSETH? I think SHE is about 22, so it doesn’t really work. The DANCE major is a JUNIOR that is from ALBANY, NEW YORK. They can be + VIVACIOUS, but they can also be - IRRESPONSIBLE. I think LANA might be SHEEP. They are living in BALTA. ( nai. 22. gmt. she/her. )

some random aesthetics: a red water pistol topped up with caribbean rum and covered in stickers of cartoon pin up girls, a vinyl record whirring silently because you got too distracted by a stranger’s hands to reach over and flip sides, giant inflatable flamingos floating in the aftermath of a pool party, smudgy lipstick kisses left like an autograph on someone else’s mirror

ic im sayin she jst got bk from going abroad w louis, this kind of sleazy older man tht manages the camgirls on the website lana works fr. he calls himself a “big exec” at “the company” n mkes it all sound a lot more professional than it is. he also owns this big house w all these different rooms/settings fr the girls to film different kinds of scenes in n is looked up by a lot of ppl bt when asked why they look up to him, nobody ever rly seems to have an answer. jst...a shady figure. lana kind of.... went off the deep end lst semester n ended up deferring her next one after missing her big graded ballet recital. it’s a whole big mess n she’s wearin horse blinders to it. truly jst.... goin on holiday to ignore hw much she’s fuckin things up at school. queen of burying her head in the sand!

frm this point on ive jst pasted her old intro bc im the laziest woman alive n that’s jst life Babey

grew up in a big house in albany, NY, bt also spent time all over the place n was in the city a lot

okay so her mum is an old money socialite / three time campaign model way back when n her dad is a big record label mogul. he owns a label called jameson records n they repped a few big rock bands back in the eighties, altho they’re mostly known for ‘poppy injects’ whose lead singer had a big heroin scandal tht brought down his career. lana p much grew up around musicians snorting lines instead of spooning down cereal fr breakfast n her parents were v much absent her whole life

they’re pretty well off obviously n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pastel coloured fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her. it was v clear that she was an accident after her older brother caleb n that even when they just had him alone they weren’t cut out for parenthood. they always kind of jst… ignored her n hoped she’d go away. she had to mke herself microwave meals when she ws only like 12 bc they’d forget to get her anything. once she went like 6 days without her mum even looking her in the eyes once

despite this tho!!! she’s always been insanely close w her brother caleb. he’s her whole world. thts why when he decided to sign up to the army she ws understandably scared bt supported him regardless. bt then he wound up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed his best friend die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home n he was never the same n lana kind of felt like he’d died out there too. he’s in n out of hospital a lot n it’s rly hard on her bt she doesn’t tlk abt it to anyone rly

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. jst literally…. knew everyone n everyone definitely knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character

she’s always been insatiably spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

anyway so after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. in fact she’s so… shameless in her endeavours tht she’s actually currently having an affair w her ballet instructor tanya who’s engaged to b married

she also currently? is working as a cam girl. she found this website bc she trawls… porn stuff a lot n she wound up applying to work as one bc she thought it’d b fun n wld earn her some disposal income (even tho she frankly doesn’t need it bc she’s already well off). the guy tht manages all of the girls on the site is kind of suspect n it’s a whole plot i’m gna unravel where it’s actually like the front for a cult or something wild so. stay posted ig. kgjdkgjh

new development!!!!!!!! cue me trottin around doin jazz hands. she’s actually been cut off by her dad so she’s….. living off the money she has left n has to look to find a job which is jst. a nightmare fr someone like lana bc she’s insatiably irresponsible n destined to be fired from anything she tries to hold down bt. it’ll be interesting bc this means she genuinely has to keep on camming even tho she’s starting not to want to any more bc of other circumstances i won’t elaborate on jst yet winks

personality/some fun facts: uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. her fav book as a child used to b alice in wonderland n she’d fantasise abt having her own little wonderland too where everyone knew her name n asked her things n took her on adventures. at the time it didn’t rly strike her how evident it was tht that was bc she was so lonely. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s strawberry laces or gummy bears or cherry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. wildflowers r her favourites bc they’re the brightest and u can’t buy them. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

plot ideas: exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. let’s get wildt!

[lesakuraciel]

trans ask game!

original by @solareclipselgbt

1.) what’s your gender and pronouns?

nb and they/them!

2.) what does your name mean (either literally, or to you personally)

i don't feel a particular connection to my birth name, though it is based off anna karenina (it's anna corinne), but i've been toying w the idea of going by ashe... obv it's based on the tree but to me it means walking through a dappled forest near the end of winter, timeless and strange and perfect

3.) when and how did you realize you were trans?

not entirely sure, def after i figured out i wasn't straight(which was aug. 2016), but as far as accepting my place under the /trans/ flag (i knew i was nb, but was still hesitant bc of the people against enbys iding as trans), that didn't happen until like. end of last year,

4.) what was the most helpful in figuring out and accepting yourself as trans?

my trans friends definitely!! and also doing a report on enbys in the trans community, and subsequently finding what, the white stripe means, i still have trouble asking people who already know me to use they/them though,, (i still say she/her is fine even though it's kinda not)

5.) have you or do you plan on medically transitioning?

i do plan to get top surgery! and soon, hopefully!!! other than that, i eventually want a hysterectomy, but no hrt

6.) what’s something you’re most looking forward to in your transition (or something that was your favorite part of transitioning)?

no! boobs! i hate them!! and not having to wear extra layers (read: binder) in summerr

7.) do you have dyed hair?

sjsjsnd yea it's dark blue right now don't think /that's/ natural lmao i even have The Haircut (tm)

8.) who was the first person you came out to (or plan to come out to)?

i'm pretty sure it was my good friend henry!! i mean, he also basically told me i wasn't straight cause i wouldn't admit it :'>

9.) what’s your favorite season?

fall!! so many pretty colors and finally, appropiate weather for the jackets i wear year-round,

10.) have you ever been to pride?

yep! i went to pride for the first time in tacoma last year!! (plan to go to the seattle one this year)

11.) if you’re on hrt, what changes suprised you the most?

not on hrt!

12.) what gives you the most gender euphoria?

oh being called "sir" definitely, and a xloae second is when strangers use they/them to refer to me!

13.) do you have a specific piece of clothing thats especially gender affirming to you?

hmm i mean my binder obv but other than that, certain shirts when i bind? idk they just Do(tm)

14.) what’s your favorite trans joke or meme?

friend who is very comfortable in their identity: talks abt someone not realizing and being transphobic around them/other people not knowing how trans things work/etc.

(sarcasm) wow i can't believe you're really a cishet

15.) if you’ve had any gender affirming surgeries, how was your experience? what are the biggest positive effects?

not had surgery yet, but kaiser permanante has been great so far in working w me !!!

16.) do you have any piercings?

haha just one in each ear, and i basically never use those

17.) who’s your favorite trans character? or do you have any characters you headcanon as trans?

we stan lup from taz in this house

other than that, i hc a lot of characters as trans! e.x. bakugo, todoroki, and kirishima (bnha), snufkin (moomins), indrid and angus (taz), and like, a lot more,,

18.) what do you wish other people understood better about being trans?

just. it's okay to ask pronouns. god

better to ask than to assume

also use context clues, jesus (like if someone isn't out, they may switch to a diff name for some people. never use it unless they ask you to)

19.) top 5 fav songs?

bohemian rhapsody - queen

oi - carbon leaf

light in the hallway - ptx

ocean city - anthony ramos (this isn't anywhere but soundcloud but it's So Good???? go listen)

wait for it - hamilton soundtrack

20.) what advice would you give your younger self?

you can be more assertive about being trans, most people are good abt it and those who aren't can learn or fuck right off

21.) do you have any pets?

yep! my baby, friend

and my doggo, kody!

22.) do you find yourself fitting into gender roles, or consider yourself gender non-conforming?

def gnc!! i like to be androgynous, whixh usually means wearing masc clothes bc i still present fem, somehow,

23.) are you part of your schools gsa or any lgbt organizations?

nope! i prefer to make friends by just chatting, and they usually end up being non-cishwt anyhow lmao

24.) any trans role models?

not really tbh, i see a lot of people that i want to emulate, but i can't think of any in particular atm.

now that i think abt it though, my friend henry has been a sort of guiding light in figuring out, accepting, and then loudly proclaiming my identity, bc i've def come a long way since sophomore year! (if you're reading this, thank u henry)

25.) did you go through multiple gender identities before figuring out your gender now?

yep! i id'ed as genderflux very shortly, then demigirl for a long time, and finally nb/genderqueer!

26.) what makes you most proud to be part of the trans community?

it's so positive and uplifting!! i love that people are just, kind to others that's v nice

27.) favorite movie growing up?

princess bride was and is my favorite movie, but mulan was my fav disney movie and well, if that was someone's fav movie and they ended up cishet? i'd be surprised

28.) if you went by multiple names before deciding your current name, which was the first?

n/a

29.) do you have any pride merch or pride related tattoos?

i have a rainbow flag (handheld) on my bookshelf, and a genderqueer one behind my bed (big)! i also have a trans flag shawl that i made, pan flag converse, several pride shirts, and a pride hat! i'm not shy about letting everyone know i'm neither straight nor cis lmao

30.) if you experience dysphoria, what do you find helps you the most?

binding definitely helps! i get mild dysphoria wearing anything other than a binder or sports bra, and also on my period :/

31.) do you have any siblings, friends, or family who are also trans?

@dorkryptos is my friend and so is henry!! none of my family is though ):

32.) which gender roles or cis beliefs do you find most ridiculous?

nail polish is feminine?? deodorant and razors are gendered???? flowy things are feminine????? guys can't have style beyond Tux(tm)????????????????? fuck all that noise

35.) if cis people didn’t exist for a day, what would you do?

33.) how did you decide on your current name?

go out and make some new friends! ^^

34.) do you fit any trans stereotypes?

i have dyed hair and That haircut, i'm fairly short and afab, i mostly wear ""masc"" clothes, i'm in high school, etc. etc.

ahah, i didn't? but w ashe i wanted smthn with the same initial, old-timey, and connected to nature

only like, every single trans nb stereotype,

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

I totally agree about being more vanilla and certain asks being a hell to the no. I’ve been with the same man for 4 years so we’ve tried almost everything but nothing gets me off more than a man (/idea of) worshipping you with his words while you enjoy each other’s bodies. I feel like people in these types of relationships are seen as boring by society because time together doesn’t involve hurting your partner ect. I CAN confirm that those in vanilla relationships can/still do have great sex

Also same anon as previous, but a PS that your style of writing and the way you write about B x reader (the way he behaves / talks to/ treats the reader is exACTLY my style. Nothing is hotter than a man who knows how to use his words in all the right ways. You fuck ya girl into next week but if you don’t know how to work me up with your words mixed with a super loving/ caressing touch it’s not gonna happen. You know what IT is ;)

i’m often confused as to whether i’d be considered vanilla or not, or at least if my fic would be considered vanilla or not. i remember an ask from a while ago saying i was into some kinky shit n i was like “bwuh?” n figured i’d be considered hopelessly vanilla  by most (as if vanilla is bad/isn’t fucking delicious: the smell, the taste…fucking lovely. plus it got b sniffing ryan’s armpit haha n telling him he smelled good :P). are things like vibes n other toys, pegging/anal/prostate stumulation, diff kinds of tribadism/frottage, b in panties, b being pretty arguably “submissive,” etc vanilla or “kink”? 

dasfljgf i love yr wording of “worshipping you with his words while you enjoy each other’s bodies.” i think there’s a major desensitization going on, and it’s starting by 10-11 years old. people with little masturbatory experience (or none), and no partnered experience beyond curious more than sexual exploration when quite young (that they may not even remember) or none at all, getting fucking whammied with brutal porn right off the bat. and that being most to all of what they see in sexually explicit media for years on end, seeing it in unprecedented levels with the internet both re age of first exposure, how often/how long they view it, how girls as well as boys are growing up on it. seeing brutal contacts for years, mixing arousal, masturbation and orgasm with fear, pain, cruelty, faked arousal and orgasms, violence, harm, etc and often feeling rough touch (eg overt obvious sexual assaults, sexual situations that are assented to but not wanted, sexual situations that start out wanted and become painful, scary, thinking you want and will like something only to have it feel scary, painful, unarousing, feeling broken because you didn’t like it, etc) before feeling a consistently soft touch, hearing sexy words that are kind, having all these mythologies about sex esp piv told to you in n out of porn and romanticized outside of porn (eg that all women come during it, that it’s the best sex ever, that sex=piv=sex), that that is simply what sex is and what men and women do together, erasing so much of what can happen heterosexually to the point you don’t even think it possible or thinkable, etc. 

porn is about the visual too, how things look (and sound) on camera in specific ways (eg focus on repetitive penile thrusting into an orifice, make up, heels, faked porn moans), not how things *feel* emotionally or physically. how your skin rubbing on someone else’s feels. how a kiss, lick, caress, suck, squeeze, feels and how these feelings change depending on firmness n skill, emotional connection (including friendship), level of arousal, etc. how it feels to touch someone else. how it feels to stroke over their genitals. how it feels to feel intensely aroused, or to let arousal build slowly, or have it wash over you in waves. to need someone at that moment, to wrap your limbs around them and squish them to you. how it feels to feel safe and loved and comfortable and horny and full of want vs scared, detested, uncomfortable, in pain, whether or not this is mixed with arousal. you don’t get into how the people in porn feel–what is really going on in their heads? what are they feeling emotionally? how does what’s happening actually feel to them? why for all the theatrics, performing, acrobatics, etc is there so little feeling?

within a generation we’ve gone from knowing men could go months and even years without looking at porn, and having many men who did just that, and most boys and some girls furtively sneaking peaks at their dad’s or a friend’s dad’s playboy or even penthouse, maybe a softcore vhs (rip soft core porn; it isn’t made anymore by pornographers, now it’s mainstream media, eg ads, game of thrones. not that soft core was fine and dandy, but much of it is quaint in comparison to what we have now), or pornographic or smutty books to thinking that if one doesn’t look at porn regularly they’re either asexual or lying or inhibited n need to free their mind n get on that porn, and that porn and masturbation are synonymous (eg that one can’t masturbate without porn). 

i remember reading one guy writing about how the sight of a girl’s pubic hair peeking out of her bathing suit would get him hard quick as a boy; now pubic hair is disgusting, and men and boys generally only find hairless vulva appealing. that’s a less extreme example of what i’m talking about, but you can imagine (and come across) the spike in interest in daddy kink, men strangling and choking women, the hetero male obsession with pia with females (and it’s connection to sadism/injury in both the advertising of it, what happens to women in porn and women and girls in relationships), etc. 

and the view that porn just let’s us find out what we naturally, truly like?!? that we’re only turned on by it if it represents our True Sexuality? ha. you really mean to tell me that millions upon millions of girls were champing at the bit to call their boyfriends, husbands, male community members/mentors/teachers, celeb crushes, etc daddy throughout the millennia? that millions upon millions of women have lain awake at night, over the millennia, mourning the fact that their husbands would not strangle them and call them worthless whores and fantasizing about it endlessly, craving it? 

do we really think human males as a class (as a whole) are born wanting, or needing, or truly longing to strangle, choke, shove, engage in piledriving thrusting, slap, beat, namecall, control, possess others, have sexuality centred around them and their sadism, and females as a class are born wanting/needing/longing to have that done to them, service whatever desire men have, no matter how cruel or violent, and indeed, we want it, or at least deserve it, no matter how cruel or violent? that males are born sadists and females masochists, and that is what it means to be male or female? (and if you don’t fit that mold, you’re not a real man/woman?) that all those sweet boys and willful girls are really longing to hurt and be hurt respectively (maybe with the caveat that if they are the rare exception that they are really the other sex inside)? 

this is not denying psychopathy in a small per centage of males, which is largely inborn and more likely in males than females due to genetics and usually expressed more extremely (physical and sexual harm to others, rape, serial murder) in males due to greater physical strength from testosterone and gender socialization, but i hardly think most males are born psychopaths, and honestly, psychopathy and sociopathy, and serial killers, come to mind when looking at mainstream internet porn. i’ve been meaning to make a list of quotes by bdsmers and pornographers alongside serial killers without sources, asking “top/dom/sadist/porn or serial killer?” then revealing who said what, if it doesn’t already exist (been meaning to look). i do not think we, either sex, are born like this as a whole. and this is leaving aside the fact that “nature” neither means right nor inevitable. we decide how we want to live, act, treat others, can counteract how our sexuality is being shaped. 

i consumed porn directed at straight men from 8-12, and it absolutely shaped my sexuality then, although since we’re talking about 1995-99, it mostly revolved around and got my sexual thoughts revolving around piv (eg thinking that’s how all women came, how i would come even though i masturbated clitorally/by humping my blanket or sweater or my hand between my thighs) with some more varied sexuality between women on the side. a couple friends of my dad had magazines–one of which had a magazine that claimed to be child porn of a 15 year old btw–that i would sneak peaks at n quickly/furtively masturbate, and i’d stay up late at night watching the ppv porn that we had one of those descrambler boxes to watch for free. i honestly don’t even remember seeing pia in any of those. now, you can’t escape it. 

so back on track: i’m glad my writing hits your sweet spots in more ways than one wink wonk :P i’m digging the compliments folks :D i know what IT is with a capital I and a capital T, eh?

[wishbone-md]

An MS3 Guide to Internal Medicine Wards

I want to do internal medicine. I scoured the internet for guides on how to knock this rotation out of the park. Here is yet another take on how one can do well on this rotation, even if you don’t want to do IM. 

I ended up honoring it and making 92nd percentile on the shelf. There will be a separate post on how to prepare for the shelf.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Preparation

I got up early every morning to preround on my patients. When I first started rotation, I started off with one patient. I typically carried 3 patients and went up to 4 towards the end of my rotation. Get there earlier than you think you need because it sucks to scramble to prepare your notes for rounds only to find out that the plan for the patient changed in the interim. I got to the hospital around 7:15 for 9 AM rounds. 

If your institution still uses paper lists, print copies of the list for everyone on the team and make sure to have the most updated version for the attending.

Read up on your patients on Up To Date. This will help you on pimping and on the shelf. If you have a new patient to present, you can shine by looking up differentials for your patient’s symptoms and presenting them. You can also check out all the treatment options on UTD and present the main ones as well. The key to standing out on rounds is being the one to put yourself out there to propose a plan for the patient, even if it ends up being wrong. It’s easy to just regurgitate what your resident’s note says. At least you tried to integrate your previous basic science knowledge with the clinical side. 

The topic of studying will be covered in another post.

Rounds

Have your presentations down cold. There are many guides online on this topic such as this one by @pleasedotheneedfulhttp://pleasedotheneedful.tumblr.com/post/149283514726/how-to-write-a-cohesive-patient-notepresen-tation

It’s hard to figure out each attendings’ preferences such as how detailed they want you to be on the presentation or if they like walking rounds. Ask around within your class, the MS4s, or the residents. 

For the most part, they want focused presentations that concentrate more on the plan for the patient. Some want to know all of the labs and vitals. Some want only the highlights. You also need time to read all of the consult notes to see their recommendations.

Know when to ask questions. Always try to look up the answer to your question if you have time before bothering anyone with it. Definitely keep them to a minimum if it’s a post call day and your list is long. If I was getting pimped, then I would be more likely to ask more follow up questions around then because that means we’re in education mode. You want to ask enough questions to where you appear engaged but not so much to where it gets annoying. But don’t be afraid to ask questions even if it’s really busy if it will impact patient care. I tend to ask questions while walking in the hall during walking rounds but I also ask during table rounds depending on the vibe of the room.

Pimping. It is okay to not know the answer. Always try to make a guess, even if it’s a stretch. I have said I don’t know plenty of times. I’ve seen fourth years who don’t know the answer. I’ve seen residents and fellows who don’t know the answer. Most attendings I’ve dealt with have been pretty nice if I don’t know. I think pimping can be good so that it it keeps me on my toes since the fear of God is put in me. A great phrase is “I don’t know but I will find out and we can discuss it later on.” I remember questions I’ve gotten right and especially the ones I’ve gotten wrong that everyone else on the team knew except for me.

Making a good impression

Ask for feedback. I get super anxious about possibly hearing negative things so I hate doing this. At my school, preceptors evaluate you on if you asked for feedback, how you handle criticism, and if you actually tried to improve. Try to ask 2 weeks in or so about what can you work on to improve things like your presentation, differentials, treatments plans, history collection, ect. They will notice if you step it up or if you continue on. They will definitely notice you if you slack off after getting good feedback initially.

It’s not just about impressing the attending. The residents and especially the senior resident are the ones in contact with you the most. I only interacted with the attending on morning rounds. The residents give their feedback to the attending for your evaluation. Yes, we are close in age to the residents and yes it’s great to have fun at work. I love joking around and have an occasional streak of dark humor but I don’t swear, talk about the times I’ve been intoxicated, complain about the work we have to do, or complain too much about the patients. 

Don’t freaking text during rounds, especially while in a patient room. Yes, people still are getting in trouble for that. 

After rounds

Check on your patients. Most patients and their families don’t really know what’s going on because we storm in there as a group during rounds and then abruptly leave. It’s always great to double back and check their understanding of what’s going on. You as the student are usually the person on the team that’s the closest to the patient in terms o medical knowledge. Once they have an understanding of the disease process and why we treat them with whatever treatment, then they can hopefully keep it up after discharge. 

Stay organized. I had a patient list that I wrote notes on during rounds of things to do particularly focusing on my patients but including things to do for other patients. The residents will really appreciate it if you help update the list, remind them of orders that need to be put in, and notify them of any results/consults you’re waiting for. So I refreshed my patient charts all day long to make sure everything was there. When we see an abnormal critical result or consult recommendations and update the residents, we are helping to expedite care. 

I really can’t stand doing random clerical stuff like making appointments or filling out paperwork but just make yourself volunteer to do it. My school is trying to cut back on using medical students for this.

Do not lie. If you didn’t check something on your physical exam or forgot to ask a question, own up to it. It’s embarrassing but it’s better than being caught in a lie or your made up information ends up affecting the treatment plan. You won’t get any more responsibility if they can’t trust you.

Extra

Read the literature. My attending specifically mentioned that he expects this from honors level students.  This is how you step up your game. You want to show that you are trying to elevate your knowledge. You’ll definitely get style points for referencing the literature when you propose your treatment plan by citing statistically significant results from randomized control trials. For example, one of my patients had refractory C diff that wasn’t responding to traditional antibiotics of vanc per rectum and PO with metronidazole or with fecal transplants. So I needed to step up and look into other options that we can talk about on rounds.  I read some articles on newer therapies that were compared to gold standard therapies. I summarized the studies in a few sentences so that everyone can be on the same page. Then we talked pros and cons. Another example is that if your patient is on some newer drug you’ve never heard of, you can look up what it is, the mechanism of action, and major indications. Then present a very brief FYI on it as it will help educate your team. Definitely be cautious as to how often and when you try to educate others as it may come off as overbearing or if it may put your team behind schedule. You do not want to appear as a know it all or that you like to hear yourself talk because it’s hard to shake that impression.

Preclinical material professors seem to like gunners, at least in my experience. It’s way different in the clinical setting because you’re surrounded by people who’ve been in the game longer than you. All of us know how to pick out a gunner. So word will spread fast if you’re terrible to work with and then you end up on the Do-Not-Rank list.

You are not going to get a thank you for everything you do. Don’t take it personally. Except if someone takes credit for your work, so in that case they can fuck right off.

The <1/15/50/85 rule. A fantastic pimp deflector. If you are being pimped on some statistic and the pretest probability seems to be very low, say < 1%. Low probability then 15%. For example, if someone asks you what percentage of strokes are ischemic and you feel pretty confident that the vast majority of them are ischemic, then say 85%. Usually you’ll be pretty close.

The most important things

The most important thing is to advocate for your patient, regardless if an attending is around. 100% of students has thought about how they wish an attending could have seen how hard you work day in and day out but that’s not gonna actually happen much. The patient will remember how you treated them and all the things you did to help them.

Teamwork makes the dream work. Even if you can’t stand people on your team, you have to suck it up because the ultimate goal is patient care.

It is okay to take some time off to yourself. Some nights, all you can really do is watch TV and drink wine on a post call day or after doing not that well on a quiz you didn’t have time to prepare for because you’re freaking exhausted working 6 days a week.

[2700fstreet]

THEATER / 2018-2019

SHE A GEM

TEACHER AND PARENT GUIDE

A world premiere Kennedy Center commission Written by Josh Wilder Directed by Paige Hernandez

Student Guide: She a Gem

Parents, Teachers, and Caregivers: Get the Conversation Going

She a Gem is the story of four African American teens at a pivotal point in figuring out who they are—as girls, as Double-Dutch teammates, and as part of a multi-generational sisterhood. It touches ground where our young people in the audience can perhaps serve as our guides in sharing what the play’s central themes mean to them and their friends; themes that include identity, freedom and courage, family and community.

“I hope young audiences will leave the theater thinking about their own community,” says director Paige Hernandez. “And about their families—both those they come from and those they make.”

For adults—caregivers and teachers—She a Gem offers unique openings to engage our young people in conversations about relationships, managing conflict, goal-setting, and their place in their communities. The play also dramatizes the relationship between the personal history of the teen girls and the collective memories safeguarded and shared by their elders. We can also observe Ms. T and how she engages the young people in her care with an open heart and ears, offering guidance that is gentle, firm, respectful, and loving.

The creators hope this adult guide will support the theater experience and the discussions it inspires.

BEFORE THE SHOW

Start a discussion with your young people or students to determine how they want to prepare for going to see She a Gem at the Kennedy Center. The Student Guide can serve as an entry point. Then invite their input: What else do they want to know to prepare for the performance? Do they want to learn more about the social and historical contributions of African American women? Take a tour of the Kennedy Center? Find jump ropes and take a turn on the ends and inside?

Consider following their lead on how they want to prepare. You can suggest explorations of theater etiquette (see “Know Before You Go”), stagecraft (see “It’s Not Just a Stage”), and themes in She a Gem.

Activate Knowledge: Chants and Game Songs

To prepare for the play, ask students to share their own experiences with game songs, jump roping, and other examples of casual play not associated with organized clubs or sports. Have them share stories of simply playing with friends and family.

Refer to the Double Dutch chants featured in the Student Guide, reading them aloud or having groups of students prepare them for presentation. (They are meant as an oral art, after all.) Ask your young people to share the game songs, chants, and other examples of word play they know and have performed. Better yet: Grab your phone and document your work with pictures.

Access the “Take Action” section in the Student Guide to invite young people to create and write down new chants, in styles that someone could recite as they jump rope or step. Encourage them to write, revise, and share them with you, their friends, or the class. Encourage them to play with rhythm, rhyme, and nonsense words.

Activate Knowledge: The Games We Play

Introduce the idea of playing and its role in not just childhood but as part of being human.

She a Gem focuses on a group of young African American women and how Double Dutch serves as a means for them to connect, bond, express friendship, and process conflict. Before going to the performance, consider discussing with your young people perceived social differences between how girls and young women play as compared to boys and young men.

As a group, consider creating a Venn Diagram to show how gender play differs and where it overlaps. (You might also discuss the emotional and social needs different types of play fulfill.) As much as possible, keep the discussion on real experiences and away from abstract or popular generalities. Model and guide mutual respect as much as possible, using questions to probe problematic ideas that may arise.

Pose Open-Ended Questions

Use and solicit open-ended questions inspired by the “Check This Out…,” and “Think About This…” sections in the Student Guide. These questions are designed to inspire young people to connect the show to their personal experiences.

Collaborate

Before attending the show, lead a class preview of the Student Guide sections “Check This Out…,” and “Think About This…” clarifying points as needed. Putting these points in front of students before the show can help them be ready to spot and engage illuminating details in the performance. You might also assign teams of students to choose a point or two from the list to watch for and describe during post-show discussions.

AFTER THE SHOW

Join forces with your young people to determine how they want to process the play afterward. Let them brainstorm ways to get the most out of the experience and keep the conversation going. Do they want to go deeper into the play’s themes? Consider the characters and their motivations in more detail? Talk about acting and stagecraft?

Return to the Student Guide

Return to the two sections from the Student Guide: “What to Look and Listen for” and “Think About This …” Use them to guide discussions about the production, scenes in the play, the plot, and its characters.

Consider Three Central Themes

Here are three important themes in She a Gem, though you and your young people may note others, as well.

Identity relates to how we see ourselves and others, and how we form and express ideas about who we are. Especially for Krystin and Symone in She a Gem, they are at pivotal moments between girlhood and adulthood. They must make choices that reveal who they are and are becoming.

Freedom and courage are linked in the play, and explored through the metaphor of Double Dutch. At the very beginning, Krystin talks about the freedom she feels as she pushes through the moment of fear she feels before stepping into the ropes. Near the end, Symone urges Amber to “Stop being scared of the rope…” With the help of Ms. T, each of the girls faces her fears and sees the possibility of greater freedom if she can overcome them. They are discovering they can learn to be brave, especially with the support of their sisterhood, and that may be the path to true freedom.

Themes of family and community overlap in the play. Is it relational blood and loyalty that binds people together? Or the unity that comes with shared experiences, belief in one another, and the alchemy of respect and love? The play models how bonds of community and family are formed and tested, and ultimately become infused with faith.

Facilitating the Conversation

Again, create space for young people to explore the production from their own vantage points. To set the tone, consider sharing something from your personal experience that relates to the play and its themes. The intention is to start conversations and keep them going.

At the same time, you can use questions to help students spot details they may have missed and dive deeper into the play’s content. Encourage students to back up their interpretations or views with supporting details from the play.

Here are several open-ended discussion points to consider posing:

Describe the setting onstage, including the set, lighting, props, sound effects, etc. What grabbed your attention, made you smile or tense up? How did that stagecraft influence how you felt as you watched the play?

As a group or class, recount what happens in the play. No need to speculate or judge what’s happening, just describe the events as a means to gather detail. Creating a timeline can serve as frameworks for analysis.

Describe how Krystin acts when she feels confronted, threatened, or frightened. How do the other girls respond to her when she’s distressed? What about Ms. T’s actions? Forming character profiles can serve as frameworks for analysis of how the characters develop.

What makes a thriving neighborhood? What is the responsibility of individuals in a community? What is the community’s responsibility to individuals?

Write and Create

Review the activities in the Take Action section of the Student Guide. See which ones might resonate with your young people, such as researching gem stones, writing Double Dutch chants or about “memory objects,” or even getting out some ropes for some real jumping action.

Q & A WITH PROFESSOR KYRA GAUNT, PHD

Professor Kyra Gaunt, PhD, is an ethnomusicologist at the University at Albany, State University of New York. Ethnomusicology is the study of music as it relates to the social and cultural aspects of the people who make it. She is also the award-winning author of The Games Black Girls Play: Learning the Ropes from Double-Dutch to Hip-Hop.

Kennedy Center: What’s your personal history with Double Dutch?

Professor Kyra Gaunt: I grew up in the Washington, D.C., area in Rockville, Maryland, and my mother was a Double-Dutcher. She was great at it. I was an only child and an introvert. And honestly, I was not very good at Double Dutch, in part because I thought I was too fat. But the music-making involved in it became something that serendipitously got my attention while in graduate school at the University of Michigan studying ethnomusicology. I was at a reception for an ethnomusicology conference around 1994, and I heard the sound of girls down the hallway. They were twin seven-year-old sisters, black girls, playing a popular hand-clapping game sung in a pentatonic blues scale: “Mary Mack (clap) / Dressed in black (clap) / Diamonds all down her ba - aa – ack (clap).” It was an epiphany to me. I was familiar with this game but not the song. But the beats and rhymes reminded me of rap. It sounded just like Hip-Hop.

It was after that that I began to explore and study Black girls’ game-songs, cheers, and the chants and rhymes that accompany Double Dutch. As part of my research, I interviewed 15 African American women and a handful of girls from different parts of the country about their game-songs, and saw that as girls they considered them central to their lives. Also as part of my research, I learned to jump with the Double Dutch Divas in New York City. These were grown women [35 and up] and they let me join the group and taught me how to jump and dance in the ropes to recorded music. It was really a powerful experience—to be doing Double Dutch again, but this time as an adult surrounded by the support of Black women. Each member was given a nickname. One Diva named “Joy” started calling me “Twinkle Toes.” But they ended up calling me “Dr. Diva.” Why? Because I had a PhD. We respect people who have earned a doctoral degree and since I was learning from them so I could write my book about Double Dutch and hip hop, “Dr. Diva” stuck.

KC: When and why did Double Dutch take root among girls in African American communities, particularly in urban areas?

KG: Street Double Dutch has probably been popular for at least 70 or 80 years, and it was dominant in black neighborhoods like Harlem in the 1950s. It wasn’t all that familiar or popular in the South, though, or in suburban and rural communities.

The 1970s was when Double Dutch became bigger than street play and grabbed national attention. Starting in 1973, two New York City police officers, David Walker and "Mike” (born Ulysses) Williams, organized Double Dutch into competitions and tournaments for girls. The Fantastic Four were a ground-breaking group in the late ’70s, and these four teen girls were a very innovative, self-taught team. It’s important to me to say these black girls’ names: Dolores Brown, De’Shone Adams, Nikki Adams, and Robin Oakes. Their picture appears in the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History and Culture. They won the American Double Dutch League Championship in 1980, then appeared in two McDonald’s commercials, and the 1981 video documentary, “Pick Up Your Feet: The Double Dutch Show,” which won an Emmy®.

All this was going on at the same time Hip Hop was being born in New York City. The Fantastic Four were part of the very first international European rap tour in 1982 with Afrika Bambaataa, Grandmaster Flash, the Rock Steady Crew, and others who all became legends in Hip Hop. But on the tour they were called the Double Dutch Girls, not the Fantastic Four, and they are largely erased from the history of the birth of Hip Hop as it was becoming commercialized from 1979 to 1982. They essentially were made invisible. That has so often been the case—African American girls and women and their contributions get left out of our picture of the past. Still, there is a dynamic relationship between Hip Hop and Double Dutch and the two practices have often sampled from each other. All you have to do is compare the lyrics of Nelly's “Country Grammar” with the popular Double-Dutch chant called “Down, down baby” or “Rollercoaster” and you'll see how girls’ games influenced the music of an emerging Hip Hop artist back in 2000. He went on to win a Grammy® with that song. “Down, down baby” is basically the entire hook.

KC: Double Dutch is athletically and creatively intense, but it’s so much more than that. What is its meaning and power, especially for young black women and girls?

KG: Over time, Double Dutch became synonymous with “black girl” community and identity in many urban cities. Boys had their usual sports, but as a rule, space wasn’t made for black girls to participate or express themselves, especially their embodied music-making and dance, which was too often viewed as hyper-sexual given the rhetoric about teenage moms or welfare queens in the Reagan era. Double Dutch was one realm where black girls ruled the game and called the shots. They were defining black culture in a public space doing something where Black boys and White girls couldn’t keep up or were not interested in being included.

It’s an important reason why Double Dutch has mattered so much for many women of color. It actually created boundaries, carved out a safe space, where black girls could be all they wanted to be devoid of the gender stereotyping and anti-Black sexism elsewhere. Black girls have so often been demeaned and denigrated, or punished for talking too loud or showing attitude, or made fun of because of their “different” names or their hair or their body shape or skin color. Their bodies don’t necessarily conform to the white normative ideals of beauty. But when you’re turning those twirling ropes or stepping inside what looks like an eggbeater that others find impossible to jump through, none of that matters.

Double Dutch has been a powerful symbol of identity and sisterhood for black girls and women. Decades ago when doing my research, I interviewed a sister and fellow musician who grew up in North Carolina. The only Double Dutch she knew was from television. She told me without a second thought, “I’ll never be a black girl until I learn Double Dutch. And that’s me. That’s us. It’s not like anything else. Double Dutch is Black girls’ jazz. And that’s the root of our Black Girl Magic.”

KC: You sometimes discuss the concept of “kinetic orality” related to Double Dutch. What do you mean by that?

KG: Part of being human is the need to pass along our own stories. We usually think of stories in terms of writing or storytelling, but there are also stories in how we move, how we dance, the sounds and songs we make, how we carry ourselves. These are examples of “kinetic orality” – telling stories and learning lessons of style and identity through word of mouth and body. I call the game-songs “oral-kinetic etudes.” Such self as well as social expressions are passed from person to person, generation to generation, place to place, especially within the African American community where so often attempts have been made to erase our history, especially the lived memories and history of black girls. Kinetic orality is an important element in our story, and it is very present in Double Dutch, game songs, and other embodied musical expressions of what we know and who we are.

KC: You’ve also talked about “memories in objects.” How do we experience and use such objects in our lives?

KG: What I mean by that is that we attach memories to objects and they carry that memory, so to speak, for us. The women I interviewed about their childhood might say, “I don’t remember how the songs to Double Dutch go, it was so long ago.” But as soon as they heard the recording of the twins I first interviewed or when they pick up the handles, they’re right back there. Embodied memory takes you there. If you grew up baking bread, as soon as you put your hands in the dough it connects you to the timeline of your tactile experience. The toys from childhood, they carry memories. An “object” can also be a song or vinyl record cover from the past. These objects trigger social memories—the chants can [do that] when it comes to Double Dutch. Just the feel of your feet scuffling on asphalt can remind you of the playground, a sidewalk, or the tick-tat sound the rope makes as it skips across the pavement.

Black girls were musical griots in our neighborhoods and communities across generations. We were the librarians of musical traditions, and the caretakers of those sonic objects that held our collective memories. We helped keep them intact for us and for the world.

[END of Q & A]

GO DEEPER/LEARN MORE

“How the Jump Rope Got Its Rhythm.” Small Thing Big Idea, a Ted Series. Professor Kyra Gaunt, PhD. Professor Gaunt shares some of the history jump ropes and the unique culture of Double Dutch among African American women.

The Games Black Girls Play: Learning the Ropes from Double-Dutch to Hip-Hop by Kyra D. Gaunt, PhD. New York University Press. 2006.

Read some truth about the early ties between Double Dutch and Hip Hop. “Double Dutch’s Forgotten Hip-Hop Origins.” By Lauren Schwartzberg. Vice. March 31, 2015.

“The Power of Theater: What Does Theater Do?” ARTSEDGE.

“Hip-Hop: A Culture of Vision and Voice.” ARTSEDGE.

Foster care, including group homes, are part of a government system to take care of children and teens who cannot live with their families, for whatever reason. Curious about the program and how it operates? Check out:

Group homes: “Giving Group Homes a 21st Century Makeover” by Teresa Wiltz. June 14, 2018. The Pew Charitable Trusts.

Foster care: “Foster Care”; Child Trends.

Now you're ready for She a Gem.

Standards Connections

English Language Arts - Reading: Literature (RL.7, RL.9) Social Studies - Psychology

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Writer: Sean McCollum

Content Editor: Lisa Resnick

Logistics Coordination: Katherine Huseman

Producer and Program Manager: Tiffany A. Bryant

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She a Gem is part of the Kennedy Center's Human Journey representing Identity.www.kennedy-center.org/humanjourney

The Human Journey is a collaboration between The Kennedy Center, National Geographic Society, and the National Gallery of Art, which invites audiences to investigate the powerful experiences of migration, exploration, identity, and resilience through the lenses of the performing arts, science, and visual art.

David M. Rubenstein Chairman

Deborah F. Rutter President

Mario R. Rossero Senior Vice President Education

Bank of America is the Presenting Sponsor of Performances for Young Audiences.

Additional support for She a Gem is provided by A. James & Alice B. Clark Foundation; the Kimsey Endowment; The Morris and Gwendolyn Cafritz Foundation; Paul M. Angell Family Foundation; and the U.S. Department of Education.

Funding for Access and Accommodation Programs at the Kennedy Center is provided by the U.S. Department of Education.

Major support for educational programs at the Kennedy Center is provided by David M. Rubenstein through the Rubenstein Arts Access Program.

Kennedy Center education and related artistic programming is made possible through the generosity of the National Committee for the Performing Arts.

© 2019 The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts

[crow-caller]

all the oc question because what even is sense of scale. (or, in case you do happen to possess a sense of scale: 2, 11, 20, 21)

you gotta live life fast and hard

a l l

you can use my /ocs page for background LORE

1. who's your favorite oc?

it’s michael. WE ALL KNOW THIS

it’s michael.

he’s terrible but my friend and I love him

2. who was your first oc?

I suppose Asterix? Counts? I’ve revamped her into ASTER but she was technically an OC back in the day, even if I did nothing with her but... imagine

here she is:

she is... well, she was a total mary sue type. oh my. had red hair with blue tips (or vise versa?) naturally, her mom tried to kill her but a kyogre saved her life and she grew up with team magma as an admin (her dad was leader) but her mom was an admin of team aqua. and she was raised by the legendary pokemon who could turn into human forms, and Ho-Oh was a god of the universe and took her under his wing...

and then she became a god thanks to genetic experiments and got her own planet and traveled the galaxy saving alien species from planets that were about to be destroyed. also preforming experiments on human children. she had tons of kids and they were all girls.

she also could turn into a purple wolf with black wings and feathers in the fur...

3. how many ocs do you have?

I did a count and I think like exactly 50 technically. most are termi, AR has 4, GA is like 8, MSQ is like 8

4. have you kept all of your ocs since the beginning?

Funny!! I almost always forget... about this but there was a character who was CUT from terminal!! both my head lore and like the book. Two charas were cut from book, actually: Roy (a conspiracy freak/revolutionary Mannie runs into and used to be friends with) and Tom (Christina’s younger brother, who lived with her on Earth). Tom was someone I just realized wasn’t needed, never showed up, never did anything, and didn’t like. Roy was a minor part easy to cut.

but most of my OCs... like I said, MSQ is a revamped ‘tales of asterix’, so most of those old OCs have been reborn. A few didn’t get a chance to show up in MSQ but if there was a sequel, they would (Yggdrasil, Mary, Chaos)

I’m gonna mention it next Q but I had a fandom OC once too.

5. are any of your ocs based off of a show/book you like? if so, who?

I don’t really do fandom OCs!! I never write fanfiction or anything.

the MSQ charas mentioned above: like I said, MSQ used to be a crazy mary sue crossover adventure I lived in my head, so while the new charas are quite diff from their canon ones (enough that I can change the names and promise nothing is being stolen), Yggdrasil is from Tales of Symphonia and Chaos is from sonic the hedgehog. They were both OCs of mine in that they really had limited connection to canon LOL.

I also used to have an invader zim oc?? Her name was Kalat and she was weird I guess? I don’t remember much, I do have some DOCs about it. she was an idiot who wanted friend- HEY WAIT A SECOND

6. what is the species of the majority of your ocs?

Because of Termi, the majority is certainly demon! I like angels waaaay more than I like demons, but termi takes place in hell, and most of the cast is demons. I have minority humans, actually. MSQ has some gods/aliens, but it would go Demons Angels Humans.

7. are any of your ocs an original species? if so, what's the species and who?

Not really. Only one would be Ikina from MSQ, but they are still based on... they call themself an ‘incubus’ because they are a sex-fluid shapeshifting creature which is energized through sex (and steals energy through their partner).

8. if you can, draw (oc name)!

heres an old doodle I found.... it is OBSCENE (iofiel holding hands with maalik)

9. write a few sentences as (oc name)!

People always seem to forget that I’m the center of the goddamn universe.

That’s just a good line. This is a tough prompt IDK what any of my OCs would say. I need context.

“hi my name is iofiel angel of beauty and I love friends I just want to collect as many friends as I can have, and hug them, because friendship is magaical and fun”

10. are any of your ocs part of a story? if so, what is it about and who's in it?

TERMINAL TRILOGY is about mentally ill people being dicks to each other

MSQ/THE ASCENSION is about a very nonplussed kid being made into a god against her will

GA/GOOD ANGEL is about an angel who just wonders, why can’t we all just get along?

AR/ANGEL RADIO is about one girl who is very, very alone, except for the weirdo aliens

11. do you have any twin ocs?

Just one! Michael and his sister Lucky.

I don’t think I’ve drawn Lucky in a long time, not digitally at least. she has importance but is still very minor.

Chrstina is part of a set of triplets (two brothers, they are identitcal)

I don’t have many sibling/family relationships in general!

12. are any of your ocs siblings?

Michael has a big family: Gabriel, Raphael, URiel, and Lucky

Christina is from a set of triplets, also has an older brother and two younger sisters

Kell probably had an older brother

Umbel has a set of sisters as main characters, there’s siblings in Radicle too

13. what is the gender of the majority of your ocs?

It’s legit 100% an even 50/50. well, like 49/51, slightly more dudes, and there is one NB chara. I always feel like I favor men but it turns out it’s quite even

14. make up a new oc right now based on (concept/show/color/etc.)!

EFF OFF

I actually really need to make a new OC soon for a new project coming up... but btoh my potential choices I’ve been having a hard time being creative lately.

I think she’s going to be very average type, and it’s set in the real world too, which I’ve never written before? so it’s hard. good thing I like to steal from myself?

she’s very book smart but hasn’t done a lot. Got into an ivy league-ish school but isn’t like, amazing, just smart enough to have made it. Kinda rich, some connections, so she kinda thinks that’s why she made it. Wants to be weirder, do stranger things, but is very paranoid, anxiety.

but that’s so generic!!! so boring. I need to figure a way to make her more interesting. the story is about secret societies and demons N stuff. maybe I should make her more of a wild card and base her on the side of me that loves cults

that’s it. her secret obsession. her special interest: cults. she just loves conspiracy theories cryptids and CULTS. and ends up getting involved in real ones.

15. would you ever give up any of your ocs?

WHO IS ASKING

16. who is your oldest oc (age-wise)?

some of the MSQ ones are like immortal gods, so it’s probably.... Eii in that case.

Archangel Michael from GA would be about as old as the universe...

In Termi, one of the angels is likely to be about 230.

17. have you ever roleplayed as your ocs?

back in the day, I did have profiles! I don’t think I ever used them, but slightly before I began writing termi I wrote up roleplay profiles for Christina and Percy from Terminal.

Here it totes is (note it is all not that canon for termi now):

Name: Percy Gender: MaleAge: Very old, though his physical age is around 19.Species: Angel (Seraph)Appearance: Percy is tall and lanky. He has slightly curly blonde hair and unnaturally blue eyes. He typically will dress either in a terrible sweater-vest and shabby coat, and favors very plain clothing styles. He also hates tight or uncomfortable clothes. He needs glasses to read, but would never admit it. He is a seraph, the highest sphere of angel below the Arch-angels, meaning he has way too many wings. Seriously, who thought six wings was a good amount? He is capable of hiding them, and typically flies with just one set. They are also light minty green.Personality: Percy can be really arrogant sometimes. He looks down one anyone he considers less then him, but often more in a piteous way. He does his best to be good and responsible, and especially feels the need to set a good example for the other angels. He is very unfamiliar with most human culture, as he only just recently came down to Earth for personal reasons...History: He has always served the Arch-angels, and he is content to do so. He doesn't have much of a history beyond that, as that is all his life has every known.

Name: Cris (Christina) Gender: FemaleAge: 17Species: Demon (lesser)Appearance: Cris used to have long, fluffy blonde hair. Now her hair shorter, and bright red. Her natural form includes curly black horns, somewhat red skin and a small arched tail, but she is able to change to a human form for disguise. Sometimes if she's surprised she will revert to demon again, but is quick to fix it. She likes hoodies, shorts and stockings, often in a very cliche black and red. She also likes to tie her hair up.Personality: She's pretty chill most of the time, but is easy to work up. She gets very excited by her favorite shows and books. Cris has a bit of a self-esteem issue, and occasionally feels really depressed about it. She's also sort of a wimp. And she loves cats.History: Cris was a human who sold her soul, but she doesn't really remember much of her life as a human. She knew she was blonde, and she knew she made a wish for attention. Everything else is missing. She doesn't really care much, and sort of likes being a demon. Because she's such a weak demon, she isn't very good at combat, and her job is basically an office job. It bores her, and she wants to get out (into sales, preferably). I also have an old profile of a pokemon OC who was part of team magma, and named Mack. I love magma.

18. how many of your ocs were adopted from someone else?

NONE

I MEAN I STOLE ARTEMIS FROM MY BROTHER

19. who is your least favorite oc?

Uh?? MIDORI from AR I just plainly have never liked. And Senya from MSQ. I just really don’t like them, and not because they are total jerks.

Midori is a bit annoying, she was mildly a response to some tumblr stuff at the time, and is a weirdo, overly soft wiccan who just wants to put flower crowns everywhere... I am exaggerating but I don’t know, she never clicked with me

Senya didn’t exist in the MSQ lore, he just showed up one day and hijcked the plot.

mido

senya is on the right

20. which oc do you think has changed the most since you made them?

Michael I bet? He really wasn’t much of anything in draft one of termi, he didn’t show up at all, and later showed up but only spoke in questions, and was very annoying. over the course of radicle I figured out who he was a lot better.

Aster is a good example of someone who changed a lot too, but I don’t count that as much. Mannie went from an angry ranting fool to a sad angry ranting fool I guess

21. who is your newest oc? optional- doodle them to show!

minor character in evergreen (terminal novella)

22. have you ever cosplayed your own ocs? if so, who?

no, but when I put on a button down and feel very tired, I think that counts as a closet cosplay of mannie

23. which oc do you think has affected you the most as you've grown with them?

michael................ my boy. he’s just kinda picked up a lot of my problems (EXAGGERATED) and evolved to carry and represent and deal with them. as mentioned, he didn’t really matter until he did

24. have you gotten cosplayers of your ocs? if so, of whom?

who the hell can answer this with a ‘yes’

25. do you have any ocs that you haven't drawn/written as/talked about in a long time? if so, who?

HMMMM??!??

I don’t talk about my AR ocs very often, or my MSQ ones.

you know what was crazy in AR? Gav’s original name was Paschar. I don’t remember where I got that from, but I changed it like 75% through with the book. Frigging paschar.

Eii and Ikina (left, right) are MSQ charas. Eii is based on Mew, Ikina is from Ho-Oh. They are... quite different from the original pokemon basis, I am legally obliged to note, but just wanted to say.

Eii’s role in the story was a total surprise, and a weird one. Writing blind lends itself to some odd plottwists.

[eddiejpoplar]

TEST DRIVE: 2018 BMW M4 CS – For the Track Fiends

It’s quite interesting how a manufacturer can sell you the same car with prices that can double just for some tweaks and yet, that seems to be a recipe for success these days. BMW wasn’t the first manufacturer to do it, actually arriving quite late to the game. The ones that perfected this recipe come from Stuttgart and they go by the name of Porsche. Selling the 911 in so many different guises that you lose count. Porsche knows how to make a GT2, GT3, RS and various other combinations of letters, all with seemingly unique features.

Then there’s BMW with its M products. In recent years, the BMW M division has gone through some changes and to some, it may have lost its initial appeal. I guess it all started with the current generation M3 and M4 models. As a matter of fact, we tend to forget that the M4 is at its first iteration, this being the first time the M3 is sold only in sedan guise. While some were rushing to call this separation of models a failure from the get go, BMW soldiered on and today, almost 5 years later, the 4 Series and, more importantly, the M4 have their own following.

But I digress. I was talking about how BMW is differentiating its M offerings and things started with the current F8x generation. Before that, M cars weren’t differentiated that much from their more down-to-earth brethren. The E46 M3 for example, even though it was offered as both a Coupe and Convertible, had the same codename for both and for the regular 3 Series models. Then came the E9x generation which, even though it had different codenames for different body styles, the M cars were also using the E92 and E93 codenames. Then came the F30 3 Series. While the 3er was differentiated in body styles by codenames, the M cars received their own codenames, to emphasize on the big difference between a ‘normal’ 3 Series and an M3 which now went by the F80 codename. It was a preview, if you will, of the fact that the Germans would try and highlight the special character of the car and its capabilities on the track, with a further reflection in the price tag.

Then another step was made. The BMW M4 was introduced at first to lukewarm reviews. Some reviewers, myself included, complained about the fact that the new engine is too ‘spikey’ with the rear axle breaking traction way too often and way too sudden to allow you to actually control the car properly. Predictability of the rear axle, and being able to control its sliding around just by using your right foot, was something we had gotten used to on the M3. Other than that, the car was praised for the way it handled but it just took some time to adjust to it.

BMW, of course, took notes and then released the Competition Package, a car that was fine tuned to deliver what most of us expected the M4 to be in the first place. Some careful changes done to the suspension and engine as well as the rear diff made all the difference in the world and nobody could complain about the M4 now. Offering a Competition model is not atypical for BMW as a number of cars were offered with such a package in the past as well but back in the day, this was the exception to the rule, an enhancement on an already brilliant car, for those wanting more. Today, this is the norm as BMW announced Competition models will become a regular thing. How does this work?

Well, according to the Germans, the M cars will be split into four different breeds. We’ll get the base M car first, launched as any M car would be launched, with what may very well be a baseline reading for what the model can do. That would be the BMW M4. Then a Competition model would be offered, with a bit more power and a bit more fine-tuned, to iron out some of the creases reviewers might find on the base model. As you can already see, this pattern is already being implemented on the M5 range, with the Competition model now making its debut worldwide.

Then we’ll get the CS models. These are almost track-ready machines. CS stands for Club Sport and it usually means the car you’re about to drive has been enhanced just enough to still allow you to use it on public roads without major issues but also be quite the track beast. The CS is also just an “L” away from the top gun of any M car, the CSL model.

The perfect example to show you exactly what sets apart the CS from the CSL models is the car we’re discussing today, the BMW M4 CS, which is just shy in terms of performance from the track-ready BMW M4 GTS. “But wait, you said CSL not GTS”… Yes, well BMW apparently decided to change its naming pattern a while back and they confirmed that for the future, the GTS badge will be replaced by the CSL one for the most hardcore M models.

So, what’s so special about the BMW M4 CS and why is there a need for a GTS model? First of all, the CS is meant to be a more approachable machine, one that would come with less tradeoffs compared to the GTS. As you probably already know, the GTS was created to be used almost exclusively on the track. Sure, you can still drive it on public roads but that may not be the most enjoyable experience. From the extremely low ground clearance, to the easily breakable adjustable front carbon fiber splitter and the lack of seats in the back, the GTS isn’t exactly grocery shopping friendly. Get it on the track and things change considerably but other than that, it would be hard even to park it on your driveway, making living with it not the most enjoyable experience.

So introduce the BMW M4 CS.

The CS is not a detuned version of the GTS as some may think. Instead, the CS is an enhanced version of the Competition Package M4. It builds on that successful recipe, trying to bring you a better mix between trackability and comfort than its more hardcore brother. From the suspension to the engine everything was taken up just a few notches higher so that the M4 CS offers an even more rewarding experience to the driver.

From the outside, the M4 CS is instantly distinguishable from anything else in the range thanks to a couple of well-chosen items. Up front you get a carbon fiber fixed splitter which is there to help out with aerodynamics. It is not adjustable as it is on the M4 GTS but that’s not really an issue as few people would actually know how to adjust it in the first place. Then there’s an added boot lid spoiler made of the same material noticeable round the back and a set of new, lightweight wheels on all four corners tell you that this is no ordinary M4. Chip in the Cup 2 tires and you’ll soon know you’re looking at an M4 CS if you pay attention to the details. However, the biggest giveaway are the taillights. They are the same as on the GTS and they use OLED technology to create a mesmerizing 3D effect which is just absolutely brilliant. The moment you unlock the car, the taillights come to life with each blade lighting up from the license plate to the outside of the car, basically winking at you if you will. It’s definitely a show stopper.

Moving on, the M4 CS was also created to shave some weight off its hips, to help with lap times. Therefore, we get the same CFRP bonnet as on the M4 GTS and the same door panels inside, fitted with a textile band to grab on to, in order to close the door. There’s also no center armrest in the M4 CS and no 2-zone climate control available. The sound system has been reduced to speakers in the dash and under the seat, also to save weight. It’s not as bad as you may think though. It may not have the best mid-range sound but it’s decent nonetheless. Not that you’d waste your time listening to your favorite tunes in this car, but I just wanted to let you know that you could if you wanted to. Unlike the GTS, though, the M4 CS does come with rear seats and that’s a big plus in terms in practicality in our book. With all these measures in place, the M4 CS is 35 kilos lighter than a BMW M4 Competition Package if you buy it in standard guise. Our tester came with Carbon Ceramic Brakes though, an 8,000 EUR option which shaves some more weight. Yes, it may not be a big difference but every pound counts.

The M4 CS is also distinguishable from the rest of the line-up by the color you can get it in. BMW decided only three colors will be available for it: San Marino Blue, Lime Rock Grey and Frozen Dark Blue. The latter was available only on a limited number of cars, but nonetheless, the other two options are breathtaking, especially San Marino Blue, the color of our tester.

Under that pretty colored hood, we get an enhanced S55 3-liter straight six twin-turbo engine. Once again, it’s not a de-tuned version of the water-injection engine on the GTS but rather an enhanced model compared to the Competition model. It has 10 extra HP and some 50 Nm of torque more, raising the total output to 460 HP and 600 Nm (442 lb-ft) of torque, numbers that may not seem like a huge improvement on paper. In real life though, it’s not exactly the added oomph you feel but rather how it is delivered.

Since there are not hardware changes on the CS compared to the Competition model, this could very well be used in a manual to show how to get the most out of a car by simply taking it out for a drive and figuring out where improvements need to be done. On the road, the balance of the car is absolutely impressive, even on uneven roads. It’s not as harsh on your back as you may think, as the seats are quite comfortable to begin with. Sure, it’s not on the same level as a 7 Series but you could go for longer drives if you wanted to and you don’t mind the lack of sound insulation which may cause drone at times. Then again, that helps out with the exhaust sound which is noticeably better than in the standard M4 model, but not as good as on the GTS with its titanium exhaust. Still, it’s the best sounding M4 on the market.

Since we’re discussing the practical side of things, let’s get some things out of the way. As you may expect from a more track-focused car, the M4 CS isn’t exactly the car you’d want to drive all day long while doing your chores. The stiffened suspension makes it feel uncomfortable on bad B-roads or even around town, where pot holes and speed bumps can easily ruin your day. The carbon fiber splitter up front will also make you extra careful to avoid hitting any curves at the wrong angle as well as up ramps.

The car’s ground clearance isn’t all that bad but you do find yourself being extra careful all the time, making your trip a bit more stressful than it should be. Furthermore, the turning radius isn’t all that great either, making parking or U-turns even more difficult. Then there’s the fact that the interior has been stripped out and storage space is quite limited. It may not seem like an issue reading this but after a while, the lack of door pockets becomes annoying as does the lack of an armrest. Furthermore, the armrests on the doors are slanted, at an angle, and aren’t exactly comfortable for longer trips as I noticed my elbows would start to hurt after a while. That being said, these are all the downsides I could find to living with an M4 CS on a daily basis. But then again, this car wasn’t designed to take you to the mall but instead to the track and that’s where it shines.

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Lindsay Lohan wears a hijab, sparking mixed feelings on social media

Lindsay Lohan was spotted at a modest fashion show wearing a hijab. The actress attended the second annual London Modest Fashion Week over the weekend, and she dressed the part.

Before the show, she posted a video on her Instagram, in which she learned how to style a hijab and expressed her desire to wear it traditionally. “I think it needs [to be] a little bit more tighter in the [back]. I don’t want it to come off and show too much,” the once risqué woman told her hijab-tutor in the video.

Photo: BBC News

When someone suggested she switch wrapping styles so she could wear it as tight as she wanted, she said she wanted “to do traditional Saudi wrap. … That’s what I’d rather learn to do so I know. … I want to learn how to do it properly.” This could be because she’s set to film an all-female movie in Saudi Arabia. She then told the woman that she had been living in Dubai for three years.

She also posted a video from the fashion show and spoke to BBC Minute about modest apparel. “Fashion doesn’t always have to be so naked and can be adventurous and still beautiful, with a strong group of women behind it,” Lohan said.

Not only did she wear the right clothing, she also wore the right makeup. According to halal/vegetarian/vegan makeup retailer HawaCosmetics, Lohan stopped by their booth and told them about “how she’s into halal cosmetics and what she’s actually wearing on her face today was all halal!!” according to their social media post. They were referencing the Muslim diet and referring to avoiding non-halal makeup.

Oh my days! As if Lindsay Lohan came over to say hello to Team Hawa! She was so lovely and was saying how she's into halal cosmetics and what she’s actually wearing on her face today was all halal!! Well all I can say is if it's good enough for Lindsay Lohan, gurlll whatcha all waiting for?! @lindsaylohan #lindsaylohan #movieicon #legend #halal #makeup #beauty #beautyqueen #halalcosmetics #crueltyfree #vegetarian #vegan #noanimaltesting #hawa__cosmetics

A post shared by HawaCosmetics (@hawa__cosmetics) on Feb 17, 2018 at 9:41am PST

Lohan’s efforts to respect Muslim traditions are getting mixed reactions. Some people really into this look were impressed by her interest, including the designers.

@lindsaylohan is getting fitted for a hijab on her insta live right now and I am LIVING #Traditional

— Evan ☕️BlackWhite (@EvBenjamin) February 17, 2018

Can we deep, a whole fabulous @lindsaylohan repping at London Modest Fashion week @HauteElan! Amazing ❤️ pic.twitter.com/raVzZNMz39

— HafsahD (@HafsahDabiri) February 17, 2018

Lindsay Lohan flaunting Hijab at fashion show is BEAUTIFUL!

— Saira Ali (@ImSairaAli) February 19, 2018

Lindsay Lohan shines in hijab at #London Modest Fashion Week https://t.co/bKCUUZqWzq pic.twitter.com/raq6GuIdFO

— My Salaam (@My_Salaam) February 19, 2018

Lindsay Lohan in an hijab! Now there’s a role model.

— Adele (@Contented2851) February 19, 2018

Others were angry that Lohan was promoting what they see as oppressive attire, especially when women are protesting wearing the hijab in Iran right now and getting arrested for it. “It amazes me how the western civilization sees wearing the hijab as an act of liberation and empowerment while women in Iran are removing their hijabs off as a protest, meaning the hijab is actually a sign of oppression in muslim countries,” one follower tweeted. One user accused Lohan of “normalizing Islamic misogyny.”

Since when did promoting oppressive articles of clothing become a thing? Especially when women take off their hijab's in protest…seems counter-productive…

— Lindsey D (@lindseyaya87) February 18, 2018

It amazes me how the western civilisation sees wearing the hijab as an act of liberation and empowerment while women in Iran are taking the hijab off as a protest, meaning the hijab is actually a sign of oppression in muslim countries.@DouglasKMurray

— Tom Livne (@countertommy) February 19, 2018

Normalizing islamic misogyny: Lindsay Lohan wears hijab to London Modest Fashion Week show https://t.co/7YKSLpCn4r

— GornaMary (@mary_i_c) February 19, 2018

@BBCNews @lindsaylohan Meanwhile in Iran women are protesting the forced wearing of the hijab. Symbol of oppression.

— Richard Buchannan (@RichardBuchann1) February 18, 2018

Not at all? It’s entirely diff with their religion. Literally last week thousands of women protest the hijab and here on the West were fashionizing it..

— Luca Paolucci (@LPao01) February 18, 2018

Some are defending her choice.

Lindsay Lohan is a grown woman, it is her choice to wear a Hijab. Appalled by the fact that many people are sending her hate messages and even death threats because of this! Repulsive behaviour…

— Zayne (@KhanEnterprise0) February 19, 2018

Author and “Advice Goddess” Amy Alkon pointed out that Lohan doesn’t fully get modest fashion just yet, since she was seen at another London Fashion Week show wearing a headscarf paired with a leather LBD.

Lindsay Lohan seems seriously confused, vis a vis the intersection of Islam and BDSM-lite with the hijab and ill-fitting leather minidress.

— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) February 18, 2018

Lindsay Lohan, who has never openly admitted to converting to #Islam, was spotted at the event wearing a hijab Lindsay Lohan Rocks Leather Dress at #ZeynepKartal Fashion Show (AW18 collection show) @lindsaylohan @pekkan1 @ZeynepKartalOffical pic.twitter.com/kGdKvxfv1D

— Real News Line (@RealNewsLine) February 18, 2018

Modest fashion blogger Maryam thinks we’re overthinking it. “Lindsay Lohan donning a Hijab is nothing offensive or alerting in my opinion,” she told Yahoo! Lifestyle. She gives the actress credit for exploring another religion. “I think it’s actually pretty cool that she is touching this part of the Islamic faith.  If she wants to wear it, even if it’s occasionally, that’s her personal choice, I don’t see what the issue is,” the Muslim mom stated. “She’s expressed her interest in Islam and perhaps wants to experience the Hijab aspect of it and that’s kind of a no-brainer. So many Muslim women and those studying Islam take this step in their spiritual journey as Hijab is a pivotal part of a Muslim women’s identity. It’s just unfortunate her journey has to be so scrutinized and watched by the thousands since she’s a public figure.”

While LiLo does love to shock, anyone who’s been following her shouldn’t be that surprised. She expressed an interest in Islam before this. She changed her Instagram bio in January to “Salam Aleikum,” a standard greeting among Muslims. “In Islamic culture, I feel like it’s a family to me, a lot of my friends are Arab, and they’ve been really good people to me,” she said in an interview on Good Morning Britain in 2017.

Lohan also told Piers Morgan about the time she got stopped at an airport while wearing a headscarf. She referred to it as the first time she was “racially profiled.” She had to remove her headscarf, and while she was OK with that, she was still shaken. “What scared me was, in that moment, how would another woman who doesn’t feel comfortable taking off her headscarf feel? That was really interesting to me. I mean, I was kind of in shock,” she said.

When pressed about her interest in the religion, she said she had a soft spot for Islam. “I do study it, nothing is confirmed yet…” she said of converting.

The actress went to Turkey in 2016 to visit with Syrian refugees and was spotted wearing a floral headscarf. Then there was the time she hit the beach in Thailand wearing a burkini.

And she sparked rumors that she’d be designing her own hijabs in 2017 when she posted a black-and-white photo of herself wearing one, with a caption reading, “New Fashion Line coming soon ….  #fashion.” The post has since vanished, as have any signs of her hijab fashion line.

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle:

Social working denied job for ‘looking like a Muslim lady’

Is Julia Rose Miller the fashion industry’s next top plus-size model?

30 swimsuits that make us wish it was summer already

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