#experience before i did HAHA . id like to get a few more in and then i will! probs by the weekend

[marblerose-rue]

click for better quality!

wanted to experiment more with the lps style so i did a few kitties from the canidaera rp server!!!

morelpaw belongs to @fable-rots

canarymourn belongs to @nbmakoto

slaterscurry belongs to @arachnatits

veinpaw belongs to @bellaleafdrawz

[lodeddiperactivate]

I hate you more! Part 3

Pairing: Rodrick Heffley x fem!reader

Word count: 737

Warnings: angst

Summary: Reader sabotages Rodrick’s chances with Heather. A classic enemies to lovers!

Author's note: I'm trying to be more consistent in writing, and I'm trying to "plan out" the chapters more? As you may have noticed (or not), I have also updated my masterlist for better reading experience I guess haha I have also started to be more detailed as I can when posting fanfics including warnings and proper tagging lol I'm still new to all of this but yeah :) This chapter's a bit short but I just wanted to get this out so I can start "planning" the next few chapters? lol yeah

Tags: @tomhockstetter7-111 @vihtoriacorrea @sleepyb1txh

"How do you read this again?" You asked Rodrick while pointing at the word "Sweaty" that's spelled out on a dog bowl.

"Uhh duh, it's sweetie!" Rodrick said confidently.

This is the second day of your tutoring session with Rodrick, and a day before your big test. You had arrived at the Heffleys a bit early so you decided to hang out with Greg and Rowley in the living room when Greg told you about how Rodrick pronounces "Sweetie." You decided to put it to the test when Rodrick came in through the front doors, and you held up the dog bowl and asked him what it says.

You, Greg, and Rowley failed miserably at trying to hide your laughter. It was too much that even Rodrick got embarassed. What's worse is that he doesn't know why you guys were laughing. He taunted Greg, and you decided to step in.

"Alright, come on, Rodrick, time to study," as you pull him by the waistband on his shirt.

"Don't tell me what to do," Rodrick snapped at you as he eyed you pulling him by his shirt.

"Oh? I think in this case, I can," you snapped back at him.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, because if you don't," you paused for a while and smirked at him. "Oh Mrs. Heffleyyyy," you said in an almost sing-song voice.

"Fine fine, you're a snitch!" Rodrick sighed in defeat as he headed upstairs into his room.

"She's awesome!" Greg told Rowley but you didn't hear it because you were already walking up the stairs with Rodrick.

When you arrived at Rodrick's room, it was still as messy as the first time you had set foot in there.

"Geez, would it kill you to clean up in here?"

"Why clean my own room when my mom will do it for me when she gets tired of calling me out on not cleaning my room?" Rodrick said as if he had figured out all the answers to the world. You just rolled your eyes.

"Let's just get this over with."

"What's the rush?" He asked.

"None of your business," you replied. The truth is that you're planning to sneak out later because you heard that there was this party where college students go to at the far-end of town. You always thought that you were too mature for your age so you casually enjoy hanging out with older people. Truth is, you always thought people can see right through your "too cool to be here" attitude and you're worried that people would hate you for it. Maybe Rodrick was right when he said you were only pretending in order to fit in. Did he just figure out your whole double life, the one you tried oh so hard to hide?

The good news is that no one can really tell how old you were when at events like college parties, and you still have your own set of fake IDs from when you were dating your ex. Rodrick didn't ask anymore questions but you can tell that he was curious about it.

"Anyway, let me be frank, you suck at spelling and your grammar is shitty. If I am getting this $100 a week, you need to really mean it."

"Why should I? You're the one getting paid, and if I recall correctly, you lied to me!"

"About what?"

"About Heather!"

"Please, you never had a chance with her!"

Rodrick became silent. His expression pained. You apologized and decided to reach your hand out to him, with the intention of giving him a light tap on the shoulder, but he dismissed it.

"Yeah okay," Rodrick's voice was low and soft. "Whatever," he said after some pause.

He was sitting on the bed and you were facing him, books and notes sprawled out in front of you two. Recently, you've noticed that there's this gnawing feeling whenever you see this side of him, like you want to take care of him. Then again, there is that other side that makes you want to punch him in the face.

"Rodrick," you said softly.

"What?" You detected a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"What if I split the $100? You get $40, I get $60, as long as you take this seriously. And if you take this seriously, we can end today's session a bit early," that last one was for your own benefit.

"Deal."

DOAWK masterlist

[needtoloveoutloud]

hey Becks! North_was_here here (pun intended). i mentioned in a comment on SPPF that i've been working on a fanart. i said i wanted to take my time to make it good...

well, i lied! (unintentionally)

i didnt take my time at all and finished it that same day, after about 4 hours (i think. could be more and closer to 5 or 6, as i'm using an older version of my program that doesnt track work time). i've just touched it up and decided id share it now before i can overthink anything else about it!

i recorded a timelapse (around 3 minutes) of me working on it but i dont think i can upload videos to tumblr via Ask. if you want to see it id be happy to share, i think i can just upload it on my own tumblr. I've literally never uploaded anything on tumblr before LOLOL

here it is! I'm quite happy with the result. heres a breakdown of the drawings, my struggles, extra info, stuff like that if you wanna read it!! (timelapse shows more detail and probably makes this whole breakdown make more sense):

before we start off, let me just clarify that since i'm getting back into art, ive been experimenting with different art styles (and with that using references) which is why some things look different than others in this drawing

I started with the left drawing (labeled with her hero name) with a pose reference, then drew her body and clothes. i used that ai image of Yoru you provided during the battle training chapter as reference for her hero suit. it was actually quite fun drawing it, especially the wrinkles in the clothing and such!! did her face, scars, eyes and then her hair (which i later redid as i was unhappy with how it came out).

the second drawing, the USJ attack, in the bottom right, is by far my favorite of these three. i used a reference drawing i found on Pinterest, and added some more detail to it and it turned out great. the hair was minorly tweaked from the reference, hence why it looks so much better than the other three's hair. i added her scars, and added the wound on her throat toward the very end of this whole project as i debated whether or not (or rather, how) i would draw it

the third and final drawing, top right, is probably my least favorite because its so simple, even though thats the point lol. i was thinking about making it an art of younger Yoru at first then decided id stick with older Yoru, so i made her hair longer, since i originally had it quite short on this drawing, and added her throat scar (i faded it out quite a bit, maybe more than i should've, as this is after the USJ). after all these drawings i shaded and added some more details

finally, after i added the watermark, title, your user and mine, i went back and polished it up (this is where i, as i mentioned earlier, changed the hair on drawings #1 and #2, added the shiggy scars, and even more details to make me more happy with it, and hopefully raise your chance of liking it) and now im here!

as im writing all of this, ive already noticed quite a few things id go back and fix up on this drawing, but im not going to because 1. by the time im done overthinking, SPPF would be finished lol and 2. i can go back and look at mistakes during future projects to learn!

anyways thank you so much, first of all, for even creating SPPF in the first place. This series is one of if not my favorite fanfics of all time. you're an amazing writer and i cannot wait for more chapters and things from you in the future. secondly, i really hope you like this fanart! this is actually my first time doing fanart for anything, but i plan to do more in the future - especially for SPPF. and hopefully, in the near future, i'll relearn how to color and render again to provide you with better art than this haha

feel free to include this drawing in the next chapter's notes. if not thats alright too! (that'd actually be such an honor tho not even kidding)

yap session over lol <3

NORTH! HELLO! 🙌

Sorry for the ultra-late reply, I just came back home from France and was out and about with work, walking through Marseille, and flying back home and all that, so it took me a long ass time to give your message the time it deserves! :(

This is so ridiculously AWESOME! I want to hug you and gently pat your head (maybe even give you a kiss on the forehead if you'd be comfy with that) because THIS IS SO DAMN AMAZING!!! 😍😍🥹

You got her hero costume down to a T! It's perfect! And the way she's standing kind of reminds me of her Dad's seemingly disinterested stance. And her scars and her face and expression!

The portrait is awesome, too! OMG I love it!

AND THE USJ ONE!

!!

It's perfect, shows her exhaustion and her empty stare so well! Like, her swollen eye and the dirt and grime and messed up hair and all that!

Now, personally, one of my most favorite things about your stunning drawings are the handprint-scars! I never managed to got them right and had such a hard time explaining the placement, and you did it exactly how I envisioned it in my head!

THANK YOU so much for this, North! I feel so damn honored that you (and people in general) draw Yoru! And put in so many details and thought behind everything, too! And since you said that it'd be okay for me to include it in the next Author's Notes, I'll definitely do it - thank you for allowing me :)

And thank you so much for your kind words, it makes me super happy to hear that you like the story so much! 🤍 Especially to such an extent that it inspires other people to get creative and bring the story to life even more. That fact is still so wild to me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl (kicking my feet, twirling my hair, and all that!) everytime I get a new comment, even more somebody making art for the story. I love you readers all so much. People spending their precious time doing something like that is really moving

P.S.: Also, I'd love to see your drawing process! It's so interesting to see how people's brains work when they draw + I learn so much by watching it, too!

HAVE THESE FLOWERS AS A THANK YOU!

[dozing--zzz]

these are @robbie-lee-zombie 's tickle questions! (sorry for the tag! ik you dont know me haha)

i thought id answer them because why not! also its a fun way for yall to get to know how i am tickle-wise since my blog is so new ☺️

1. What’s your favorite tickle tool?

honestly, just hands. but feathers and paint/makeup brushes are fun too. i just dont like the harsh/scratchy ones

2. Favorite Ler? (Tag them if you dare~)

im not super close with really anyone on here just yet, (totally feel free to change that, send me a dm lets be friends!!) so im not sure! i dont wanna tag someone i hardly know lol

3. Favorite Lee? (Tag them to call them out~)

same as #2!

4. Opinion on blindfolds/restraints? Why or why not?

not really my thing! they scare me like a lot haha. like im okay with maybeee my arms up or being pinned if i trust someone, but that's as far as ill go.

as a ler, ill pin a lee if they want it, but big bondage is still not my style. whatever the lee prefers other than that ☺️

5. A spot that gets you squealing?

this question is so cruel 🥲

lower back n back ribs

6. How long do you estimate you could last before calling mercy?

not sure. ive never been tickled for an extended period of time before, but id estimate maybe 2 minutes? before I need a break.

7. Ever have tickle fantasies?

if "fantasies" is being used non-sexually in this case, absolutely. haha i think about lots of cute little scenarios of either me tickling someone or them getting me.

8. Why did you make your tickle blog?

ive had a few before this that i abandoned, and have lurked for like 2 years since my last one, but i joined again because i love interacting with this community and having tickle friends makes me soo happy

(again, dm me!! id love to be friends)

9. Does anyone irl know of your interests?

nope! farr, far too scared haha

10. Can you say the t-word?

i think i can, ive never actually said it in front of anyone before because it never comes up, but like ive said it just fine sitting in my room or while reading aloud

11. Verbal teases, yes or no and why?

depends. some of the stuff i see is awkward and corny, i guess i would have to really experience it myself because most of what i see online doesn't appeal to me. im not sure if that would change if it was an actual interaction haha

this also is the reason i dont rp online as a lee, because its just awkward to me lol. i dont actually feel anything lol 😭

12. Upper body tickles or lower body tickles?

i like both, but probably upper body if i had to choose.

no, definitely not because my belly and back are there shush

13. Neck or ear tickles?

i dont think my ears are very ticklish, so probably neck tickles haha

14. Pinned on your back, or your stomach?

i dont think i could choose haha both make a bad spot super vulnerable 🥲

15. What do you love about the lees you know?

they're SO tooth-rottingly adorable oh my goddess. they make me wanna hold them in my lap and just gently tickle them silly you literal cutie pies.

16. What do you love about the lers you know?

one, they're also so adorable, and two, they're so nice about tickles 🥲 they make me feel so safe and nice

17. Feathers or Paint Brushes?

this question.. 🥲

i dont think i could choose i love them both

18. How long have you known about your interests in the community?

since i was young, like maybe 7-8 years old, i had that feeling about and fixation on tickling, and thats also when i became a little scared and very shy about the subject on top of being a very reserved child, and only just secretly watched yt tickle compilations in my bedroom. i didn't find out about the community until i was more like 11-12. it was huge to me since i thought i was just.. weird haha, and while i was very dumb and didn't put up proper boundaries, i engaged with tickle content for a while. when i was 14, i believe, i had this like year-long phase where i wanted to not be like that anymore, deleted tumblr, and tried to completely push it out of my life but surprise surprise haha! at 15, i started lurking again and here i am now at 17 with my current blog!

19. What’s your favorite way to be tickled? (As in provoked, teased into asking, etc.)

surprise tickles or having someone straight up ask if they can tickle me would probably be my favorites because i feel its SO cute, and also doesnt involve me asking.. also the second one usually means gentler tickles like we're cuddling on the couch or something and those aaa are for sure my favorites

20. Are you/Do you like Polite Lees or Bratty Lees? (Asking for tickles vs Pissing someone off for tickles)

i love all lees because all of you are adorable and i will never say anything different, but someone coming up to me and asking for tickles will always hold a special place in my heart because AA its so incredibly cute it makes me so happy

i myself am a polite lee, im very shy irl in general and that kind of bleeds into how i am about tickles, so while it would take like a whole day of hyping myself up and figuring out how to ask and i would almost 100% chicken out, if i could ask i would. i don't like making people mad either haha

if you have any other tickle (or just normal!) questions you want my input on, my asks are open! ask away!!☺️

[wolfsnooze]

WAIT WHY CAN KING TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE?!? Titan stuff? Also I added this AU to me “special interests” on my intro. Deal with it😎

also you CANNOT tell me that Hunter and Micheal wouldn’t get along. They would be besties. Same with Willam and Phillip. also is Hunter like charlotte in this? He is the oldest, and he does have *major* big brother vibes. “Caleb disappeared a few months before Hunter was born” YEAH. “DiSaPpEaReD.” Also lol. Wait is it still called “Fredbears” or something related to deers (bc goopy deer man) or something similar to the emperors coven? WHAT ABOUT THE COVENS!!!!! (I forgot this my OG ask-)

-🐺🪶 (ur no 1 fan <3)

everyone’s human in this au, but yeah king being able to communicate w/ spirits could be seen as his au-equivalent to titan magic, and how king is able to hear the collector through whatever the titan trappers did !

hunter is just like michael fr i made a..not a venn diagram because it’s A Circle but😭 I ALSO made a “philip wittebane and related freaks” moodboard which william afton is absolutely on

id probably change a few things on the hunter & michael one . i made these a while ago lol

william and philip are alike and i think that would actually be their downfall HAHA i think philip would see william’s foray into reanimation as witchcraft (but when he does it it’s totally normal and fine)

OKAY getting sidetracked🦭

hunter does have a kinda “big brother” role to collector in ways! after pretty much only interacting with other dead people and Philip , hunter is kind of an anchor for collector. or a thorn in their side. depends on the day

the way i put caleb through the wringer in every au you’d think i hate him but he is in fact one of my favorite characters LOL

it’s still called fredbears! (or? maybe not? the main characters are still a bear and a rabbit!)

i have this scene where philip is drafting up the characters and initially they’re a wolf and a rabbit, but it’s sort of a joke at caleb’s expense — caleb is genuinely afraid of wolves. he scribbles over philip’s concept and changes his character to a bear, then suggests philip change his to a deer, but philip is like “you already changed yours leave MINE alone!! besides the deer and owl are OUR thing. not a performance!!!” he’s so dramatic

fazbear entertainment is kinda crazy just in the games lol. people go in they work there they experience the horrors and can’t just leave or spill the beans lest they get lobotomized

eberwolf is a technician and darius works as one as well but more part-time. they hate their job! haven’t figured out if/where a place for the other coven heads is, except raine who’s a music teacher and living with eda ^_^

[xskyll]

Merry christmas if you celebrate!!💕

It took me a lil but here my promised questions for like comment romance:

1) While reading i was wondering indeed about Izukus "skillsets" ehem👀 like we know he had a previous relationship and theres some air of speculation around him and shouto cosplayers, in stark contrast to his future vision of barely getting to hold his so's hand... i did ask myself quite a bit about izukus innocence haha

2) do you have headcanons or perhaps a whole fic in mind of wedding shenanigans or the disaster of shinkami getting together?

3) Who throws Todoroki a hangover-eske bachelor party and why is it ochako?

4) was soba ever possessive of his catdaddy giving all his attention away? And how did banjo and kazooie warm up to their stepmom?

Please please feel free to throw in any extra tidbits as well, id love to learn🫶🙏

I do celebrate, thank you! Merry Christmas! 🎄🦌☃️

The first question made me laugh out loud. His skillsets. 😂 But okay! Let me tackle these one at a time! Sorry in advance, but I'll probably babble.

1. So. Izuku's skillsets are probably pretty average, lmao. Shouto was very smitten, though, that first time, so Ochako assumed he was some sort of sex god. But Shouto is only the second person Izuku has ever slept with, and the first guy, so it's not like he has a ton of experience. Concerning the Shouto cosplayers, he really did just take pictures with them and go on his merry way. They were probably very disappointed. ^^; He's a romantic, though, and I can't see him sleeping with someone casually. All that being said, despite his limited experience (he and his ex weren't together long), I imagine he is very veeery attentive and giving. With his first relationship, she and Izuku were each other's firsts. They met in college. She broke up with him after being pressured to by her friends, who thought she could do better than a quirkless guy who was also shorter than her. She had a hard time finding dates because of her height (fun fact: she was on the school's basketball team!). After they broke up, she quickly regretted her decision once she tried dating other guys. I imagine she had a weight in her stomach, telling her she messed up, but she tried to ignore it. I think she'll eventually meet other nice guys, but she'll never have a lover as attentive and caring as Izuku was in bed, lol. She learned to be more careful about taking unsolicited advice. For Shouto, this is perfect. His entire life, he craved love and affection, and now he has this person who absolutely showers him with both. Izuku is shy and nervous, so the fact that he gives so much of himself in bed, when he's arguably most vulnerable, is very important to Shouto. Unlike Izuku's ex, Shouto 100% understands what he has and doesn't take it for granted. I can't say I've thought of the *specifics* of their activities, but if I was going to assign them a kink, I'd probably say they both have their worship kink moments.

2. Lots of people requested a Shinkami sequel! I actually have no ideas. OTL I started writing a how-Hitoshi-and-Izuku-met prequel, actually, which probably very few people would have been interested in. I guess that's easier, because I had thought of their backstory already (I'm saying easy, but I only wrote three chapters before I stopped, so...). But as for Shinkami, I can't say I have many ideas as to how it would happen. I'm not even certain of POV. Hitoshi seems the obvious choice, to me, but Ochako's POV might be funnier. I briefly toyed with the idea of writing a wedding oneshot, for Izuku and Shouto. If I did, it would be in Bakugou's POV. So a very grumpy wedding! I did their wedding in my other fic, The Cupid Quirk, though, so for L, C, & R, I decided to just do the proposal. I didn't want to seem like I was writing the same thing, especially since the wedding in The Cupid Quirk is also told from an unconventional character's POV. The tone of L, C, & R is comedical, though, and part of me feels a Bakugou oneshot would be a little melancholy, since his feelings are so complex. At the end, Kirishima would drag him to the dance floor, though, and Bakugou would feel a little at peace with things. ShinKami would already be together at this point, but he and Kiri wouldn't, so Ochako and Kiri would still be roommates.

3. Lmao!!! Realistically, I think Yaoyorozu would stop her, since bachelor party duties would fall to her. Ochako would probably employ hijinks thoughout the night, though. Yaomomo plans for a nice restaurant, and Ochako gives the driver the address to a club. That sort of thing. And naturally something goes wrong—a wrong address maybe—and they get lost and in trouble. When Shouto finally returns home, he finds out for Izuku's bachelor party, Hitoshi took him to an arcade, then Denny's, and then finally took him home and they cooked an entire bag of tater tots, put them in a popcorn bowl, and watched a movie. Shouto is so exhausted and jealous, he buries himself in Izuku's chest and makes him hold him all night, lol.

4. I don't think Soba would be jealous! In my mind, most cats naturally like Izuku for one reason or another. He's very respectful of boundaries, due to his own bad experiences, and that applies to cats too. I think cats naturally feel very safe with him, Soba included. His chest is also a nice pillow. It probably does help though that Izuku likes to sleep on Shouto's right and Soba on the left. Izuku is also gullible, so Soba appreciates that he can sometimes trick him into giving him a second dinner after Shouto already fed him. Eventually they buy one of those "cat has been fed" boards.

As for Banjo and Kazooie, Ochako has a much harder time! It's not that they dislike her, but they miss Izuku, so there's a long sulking period. She feels like they're always disappointed to see her, because when she puts her key in the door, they think it's Izuku. Unlike Izuku, I don't think she's a natural with cats, but she won their affection eventually. It took a lot of treats, lol.

Thanks for the questions! I enjoyed answering these! I hope my answers were satisfying and not just rambling nonsense.

[theladysherlock]

talk shop tuesday! you get to talk about music a lot on your blog (and i can't help but to admire how diverse it is!). does music play a part in your artistic process? if so, is it inspired more by lyrics or the tune itself?

Haha, once again thwarted by my inability to shut up. haveyouheardthisband has been a boon to my blog, truly. The trick to having a diverse music taste is to have a friend who knows more about music than you do and will give you recommendations. This has never failed me before.

In general, I usually prefer lyrics to the melody when I'm listening to music, or at the very least I find that interesting lyrics are what turn a good song into a great song. So when I get inspired by a song to make an art piece (which is often) it's because there have been some lyrics rattling around in my head like stones in a rock tumblr.

I have lots of ideas for lyric-based drawings but I haven't quite figured out how I want to set them up, so they're on the back burner for now. I also do NOT have the patience for animatics, so I won't be making any of those anytime soon (but I have edited them before and that was a lot of fun! if anyone has any animatics ideas they want to draw but they don't want to edit them feel free to hit me up)

The two most notable song-based drawings are pieces I used to experiment with some lighting techniques. And I still really like them, so I'm going to brag a little bit. Under the cut!

[ID: A drawing of Alek from Leviathan in casual wear, looking up, shielding his eyes from the sun, and grinning at something off camera. He's in the middle of a sunny quad with a Neoclassical Building in the background]

Starting off with this drawing of Alek! This is an older piece ("older" meaning early 2021) that I still like. It was my blog banner for a loooong time and I stand by that. This drawing was the first time I used multiply and overlay layers for shading, and I wanted to play with colored highlights and shadows, and mixing hard and soft shadows. I think it worked pretty well, especially for my first attempt.

The song associated with this one was Heirloom by Sleeping At Last, which is about generational trauma and escaping cycles. I got really really emotional about the thought of Alek being truly, legitimately happy after the end of the books, which was only possible because he rejected his claim to the throne. "You are so much more than your father's son / you are so much more than the wars you've won" just rattled around nonstop in my brain, and I'm pretty sure I hid the line somewhere in the grass and then blurred it beyond all legibility.

Now that I think about it I should do a redraw of this one

[ID: a nighttime drawing of Mina, a brown-skinned Aasimar woman cuddling with Halia, a drow elf woman. Both are in their nightclothes and Halia is asleep. Mina has a concerned look on her face.]

This piece is from only a few months ago. Unlike the drawing of Alek, I didnt originally intend for it to be a lighting experiment. This was fully inspired by the song The Crow by Dessa, which is such a Mina song that I couldn't escape it. Specifically, it was inspired by the line "I can't ask you to show love / but would it kill you if you did?" I just really wanted to draw my girl visibly struggling with the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Once the main part of the drawing was done, I started playing around with the night lighting, and I got excited about the idea of showing a street light shining through and casting some shadows on the two. If I had planned it out that way originally I think I would have done some more work to make the shadows follow contours, but for a spur of the moment decision I'm really happy with it.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

[brolantra]

I kinda stopped venting on my blog when I realized I was being watched by someone I know irl.. it was the equivalent to someone reading my diary.. private.. just started journaling in the notes on my phone instead.. but here I am. Screaming into the void like before. Reclaiming my space.

My baggage got baggage and the more I unpack the more I realize I really will be healing til the day I die. I’m tired tho, and I just want some real relief. I was called to heal on the deepest of levels.. i don’t have the luxury of giving up or just focusing solely on surface level shit, cuz it’s never been just about me. I often times wish it were.. I often times wish I had a different assignment. I wonder why I would choose this life, with these people.. why would I choose a path that has traumatized me so deeply, on purpose… why would I look at my soul contract and be like yuuup I’m with all that, before I got here.. like hello??? I get the whole alchemy angle, which is cool and all, just seems a little counter productive to me… logically I understand, there is something God intends to do through me. Something I couldn’t do without going through absolute hell and overcoming. But I still wonder why I agreed to this. Why would my spirit be arrogant enough to believe, I’m the only one in my bloodline strong enough to heal 17 generations of pain and unprocessed trauma. On both fucking sides. Their pain is so much my own, my ancestors.. on a genetic level I inherited all of it. And their pain patterns have certainly shown up in my experience like fucking clockwork.. I mean I’m making progress, but service is slow that’s for sure…. And I hate it so much. Here I am reprogramming and processing subconscious beliefs and emotions, and I just constantly feel like a broken record that no one understands. It’s a bleak feeling. I used speak on this stuff with the people around me and I either get that thousand yards stare or they just look confused.. so I stopped.. there is a barrier between me and everyone else because of how real this all is for me. A barrier I’ve just gotten used to. Never been a “haha healing is trendy” kind of girl, always been a “I have to heal or otherwise I’m gonna forfeit this round altogether and kms and I’ll never accomplish what I’m supposed to do here” kind of girl. I simply don’t have a choice. Literally do or die.

I question why God would trust me so much with this assignment, knowing all of my issues and all of my wounds.. I’m truly one of the most traumatized people I know. I ask all the time and I always get the same response: I’m built for it. And the God in me is making it happen whether I can see it or not. I can feel that I’m truly meant to leave a mark on this world, but being misunderstood makes me feel alone. Which is where I’m most comfortable anyway so I literally just don’t know how to push past that discomfort. Id rather feel alone cuz I am alone, than feel alone while surrounded by people. I have more peace than I used to have, there is a quiet stillness in my spirit and a certain level of gratitude in my heart that I can’t deny or downplay. It helps. But my human has been on the fritz for as long as I can remember, and I just want to be “better.” I just want to be free… that’s all I’ve ever wanted. But the world always shows me I have a lot more work to do in this heart & head of mine.. My heart is an open wound because I’m still digging the core of the pain out. My brain is a meat computer that’s got a ton of corrupted files, a few viruses, and is constantly overheating… I just want to be done. Reprogramming.

Loving so deeply has brought me more pain than joy, an added layer of trauma to my already trauma filled past.. and I don’t know if I can bear any more betrayal ever again in life. But at the same time I don’t know how else to be. It is truly my fabric to be intense and deeply devoted to those I love. Friends, lovers, the whole 9. A gift and a curse, because they so clearly did not get that memo. Everyone I’ve deliberately poured into and loved with every fiber of my being has betrayed me. Everyone I’ve held close has shown me the dangers of holding people too close. I understand why some people die with no spouse, no family, no friends… I truly understand. Sometimes it feels like the risk just isn’t worth the possible reward, despite wanting it so very badly. Love. Respect. Unwavering loyalty. Honesty. Kindness. Consideration. Community. I want these things more than words could ever express, but it has been to my detriment. How do you reconcile with that? Cuz I simply just don’t know how. I’ve spent my whole life feeling unsafe and not well… ptsd & hyper vigilance is killing me… I just want to feel safe and cared for.. beyond what I can do for ppl or how I can make them feel… I just want to feel whole. And my life has made that task so damn difficult.

While I know I’m smart, wise, and astute.. I also know I’m dumb, naive, and have a tendency to over look things I absolutely shouldn’t. No one on this planet has betrayed me more than I’ve betrayed myself.. but I changed. I stopped betraying myself. I stopped being my own worst enemy.. I started making choices that reflected how much I would like to love and value myself. I just don’t know when that change will be reflected into my reality. The law of correspondence is the only one I side eye cuz ain’t no way…… I keep waiting... I keep hoping… I keep trying… and crickets. It’s just entirely unfair and it makes me feel like maybe I’m not who I say I am after all. Maybe my introspection isn’t true and I’ve deluded myself. Maybe I’m not healing like I think I am. Imposter syndrome or reality…? Idk.

Breaking up with my best friend of 17 years was the worst gut punch of my life because I always had her. Even when everyone else was mistreating me, even when everyone else just couldn’t understand me, she always had my back. I’ve never looked at her or treated her as anything less than my sister. The sister my parents never gave me… She was the one person I could always count on to go to fucking war for me, and by my side… We were always supposed to be in this shit together. She betrayed my trust and did a bunch of disloyal shit I let slide, that just added up over time. It’s the worst heartbreak of my life. Worse than any heartbreak handed to me by a man or any other friend. Because it’s her. I’ve been frozen by this since July. Her betrayal plays on a constant loop in my head and I can’t get past it. Because she KNOWS what I’ve been through. She KNOWS the ins and outs of my life. And she KNOWS I would never do no weird shit to her like she’s done to me. So badly I want to call her and say bitch you really hurt me but I miss you and I need my best friend, please let’s get up and talk…it wouldn’t do any good though. It wouldn’t change how I feel. This time away from her has forced me to acknowledge I’ve always been the better friend and I’ve always viewed our friendship through rose colored glasses. Ever since we were 13, I’ve been everything I thought she was. I’ve received what I’ve received from her because in her moments of despair she realized I was the only one who was ever truly there for her. So many people have come and gone, but we have been a constant. Not having her has fucked me up. I don’t make her fight for my love or friendship so it goes under appreciated and taken for granted. She’ll be a great friend for a while and then it’ll stop abruptly. 9 times out of 10 because of a guy.. and it’s been like this as long as we’ve been friends. I told her that when she shows up she SHOWS UP, which has made it easy to overlook the ways she’s hurt me or let me down. But everyone has their limits. And that’s not to say I’ve never spoken up for myself, because God knows I have. I just got tired. When Jared passed away last year, I thought that would be the catalyst to wake her up and make her see she was still choosing the same people in different bodies.. making the same mistakes over and over. I believe in just letting ppl live their lives anyway, but I really thought she would course correct on her own... I thought it would be a wake up call for her to leave certain people, places, and things alone for good. I was wrong. I know she’s a deeply wounded person too, struggling with her own demons.. our lives have always mirrored eachother in the craziest way. Up until she aligned herself with a group of terrible people who were responsible for not only her psychological abuse, but mine too. Such a volatile environment… and really a story for another day but.. it really threw me for a loop. They were my friends &I love them too, but drugs and alcohol has changed them into ppl I don’t recognize. Hateful & hurtful… she and I were supposed to be in this for life tho. The healing, our goals, our plans..they’ve always been intertwined. I gave her as much time as I could to figure out what side she wanted to be on. She wanted to play hopscotch, lie to me repeatedly, and then act like that’s not what she did. She has exhausted every ounce of grace I have for her.. Shit cut me deep, and I’m still just not over it. She knows better than anyone what those niggas did to me.. and I feel betrayed in the deepest sense of the word. Her birthday was in the beginning of October and I’ve literally been a wreck ever since. I may joke a lot but a bitch is struggling and I wish I could undo what she did. I wish I could undo the way I see her now. I just can’t. &this is on top of all the other betrayals from all the other friends, my romantic relationship trauma, my problems with my family. It literally never seems to end. & some days it feels like I just need a fucking casket

[thekimspoblog]

Maybe not the healthiest love language, but I love how upset Jimmy gets when Kim is hurt/in danger.

im watching the video and omg 😭😭😭

at least we know he truly loves her!

He hadn't prayed in over 20 years, but he did when Iris was born.

every day that I remember bcs exists I always wish there was some sort of spin off as jimmy and Kim as parents 😞

or any new content with Kim really

I'm sure we'll get more follow up with Kim eventually. I just hope it delves into her taking on a more matriarchal role.

I hope so!! I can't wait for it

It's hard to explain; Kim has her own relationship with God/suffering, and Jimmy can do his best to support her through it, but ultimately he is a helpless bystander. Something about the gender roles of that dynamic just really appeals to me.

that does sound really interesting, can you explain more on the whole Kim's relationship to god thing?

It mostly ties back into what I was saying in my Bandersnatch post. When Kim was becoming paranoid about the cartel following her, that left her with lasting trauma. Even when she "knew" she was out of the woods, the feeling of eyes on the back of her neck never left her. This was roughly the same time the dreams about Iris started, so the emotions are all mixed together.

She was an atheist/agnostic for most of her life, but after she moved from Florida to Wyoming, she tried to make more of an effort to reflect, open her mind to higher spirituality and philosophy. Maybe she was just trying to make sense of her guilt over everything that happened. Why she has so many dreams, and they all end with a gun in her hand. Pastor Dawson said a few things that resonated with her, and that's partially what motivated her to work with him. But ultimately she is on her own quest.

There is this lingering feeling of doom, and Iris isn't an escape from that; they're just a part of the bigger picture. But even if Kim can't see the future clearly, she can sense it, and she dreads it.

She was hoping during the delivery she would get some kind of clarity. But while it was overall a positive experience, she never quite got the epiphany she was hoping for. She's trying to get better about this, but she's always felt like she had to bear everything alone. It's hard to let Jimmy in. Because he's a man, and the stereotype is that men are out of their depths dealing with matters of witchcraft or life and death.

oh wow 😮 it does suck thinking about how they'll never truly feel safe, even if that's all we want for jimmy, Kim and their kids. but I know life isn't always fair..

I don't actually want Kim safe. I want her making the death-by-a-thousand-cuts sacrifice all movers and shakers of history find themselves making. Besides, I've never been menaced by the cartel and I STILL can't shake the looming dread. Things ARE going to get worse before they get better. I like the idea that on some gut level Kim knows she is a character in a tv show. But even if it's all just a story, that doesn't mean what she does doesn't matter. People copy what they see in the movies, so she better watch her step.

I really do like when Kim does badass things, it's so cool! even after everything. I know I'd be stressed asf or something lol

We do see some echoes of Mike with the way Kim handles things, especially as she gets older: her hands shake, but only when no one else is watching.

My OC Rita, she's been trying to warn Kim all along that there's a great destiny in store for her, but it's not going to be pretty. Then again Rita is also a sadist and a misandrist, so her advice to exclude Jimmy from spiritual/mental/physical turmoil, should probably be taken with a grain of salt.

I love when there's parallels between brba and bcs, within the shows and characters. I think it's cool to incorporate that in your writing especially

yeah haha id take that advice with a grain of salt too

Kim only speaks to Rita in her dreams, and she never remembers the details of the conversations afterwards

but the deja vu can get pretty heavy sometimes

oh wow 😮 do you Kim wakes up and tries to write down the details or something like that? but I usually forget my dreams as soon as I wake up so maybe that's why

Half the time she doesn't remember that there's anything to write down. She would get a chill if she saw Rita's face in a crowd in her waking life, but she doesn't even remember the name of the demon.

I see... that must be scary not exactly knowing this person. im sure she has a lot of questions

But it's kind of fucky; the continuity should be easy to explain but it's not:

By Kim's perception, the universe of Breaking Bad is "the real world"; this is where she spends most of her time, where she works, where her family is, where the memories of her life can be understood as a linear experience. This place called "Allusion Hall" is the dream world, a Backrooms type location where time flows differently. Kim comes here during the night to sort out her thoughts and emotions, but she always returns to Breaking Bad the next morning.

To Rita, Allusion Hall is the reality and Breaking Bad is the dream world. Fictional universes are simulations that characters can be plucked out of, repaired, influenced, and sent back. Breaking Bad is just one of the worlds Rita has access to, and she's been interfering with hundreds of female characters, anyone she feels like buggering really. Mostly just to be a skeez, but there is a larger political goal she's been working towards.

I forget if you said you watch Westworld but I am very directly pulling from this: "Friendly blonde farmgirl goes about her day-to-day life pretending like the game of cowboys and indians/cops and robbers is the natural order of things. But on her deepest level she knows this whole life is just an illusion, and there's a deeper purpose to why the above-ground world looks the way it does".

no I haven't seen Westward, but the whole reality and dream world kind of reminds me of like reality shifting which I remember being popular on TikTok a couple of years ago 😅 I don't know if you know what that is but that just came to mind

I don't think "shifting" works but I get why people do it. People will find any excuse to embrace the idea that the pain can be escaped with just the right mental trick; that's what religion is. But the thing is, if you were in a tv show, how would you ever know?

true.. unless there's some like weird 4th wall breaks? or some Truman show stuff, although ive haven't seen that yet either lol

The point being, Jimmy can tell something's been bothering Kim. Pregnancy can be a stressful time for a woman but this... this is something more. But even if she wants to explain to him, she doesn't even know how. And she's really worried that if she starts unironically getting into these red pill vs blue pill theories, he'll think she's crazy. He already lost one loved one to delusion; she really doesn't want to scare him like this.

But the story I want to write, she does get up the nerve to tell him while they're at the hospital. And he basically assures her that even if he doesn't fully comprehend, he's putting his faith in her. They don't need to be in agreement about cosmology exactly, and he will stop her if he thinks she's going down a bad road with this. But at least for the time being, he's feels that the odds she's onto something are not just possible but probable.

I want this short fic to be about themes of religion and paranoia, but mostly about how wanting to shield other people from what's hurting you can be selfish. Usually not to the same extent, but childbirth can hurt the father too, because if you love someone you hurt with them.

No matter what happens, pacing the waiting room is always worse.

you really do think about this a lot, it's cool how passionate you are about them

^_^

Since exams are over, hopefully I'll find time to sit down and finish this fic.

I can't wait then!!

He sees so much of Kim in Iris. They mostly look and act like their dad, but every once in a while, something about the eyes, a look they give, their mannerisms, it makes him feel like he finally did something right in his life, continued something that deserved continuing. Still feels too good to be true.

aww that's so cute

And even the parts of himself he sees reflected, it reminds him that being hard on himself never solves anything. He's made mistakes. He's made lots and lots of mistakes. And nobody owes him any forgiveness. But maybe he let comments like "so you were always like this" cut deeper than they needed to. Cus when he looks at Iris, he doesn't see a bad kid, even if god knows how young he was when Chuck started looking at him like he was. He sees someone with a good heart but a lot of energy, someone who could do a lot of good in the world if given a strong sense of discipline and an understanding ear. I think for both parents, the reflection they see in that child's eyes comes with less personality dysmorphia than what the parents were getting from a common mirror. And sure, that alone isn't a good reason to have a kid. But once the kid's here, having thoughts like that are kind of unavoidable.

Although when Kim looks at Iris, I wouldn't say the echoes of "We are poison together" have stopped. But it does frame things in a more positive light: animals evolve venom for a reason.

[wack-ashimself]

OMFG. I'm famous. haha. <THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE. I am recalling things I've never posted online...>

So there's only been 2 times in my life I felt 'cool'.

1-You would think all the times I met famous people and (sometimes) talked to them. Nope. It's when I earned an imdb credit (and in turn page) for a voice over I did for a BAD movie (that's why I have never mentioned this publicly till now. And I ain't posting my real name on tumblr. Sorry. It's my only anon site). I wasn't even paid. Given free drinks tho. And an experience I never had before or since (recording was AWESOME. I would love to do professional VO work. TOUGH market tho; actually worse than the acting market. Seriously). It was fun...not gonna act like it was a good movie, tho. AND I got to go the premiere: red carpet and all. It was....one of the better times in LA.

2-When I worked for a few months at a club as the front door greeter (Ids, keep the line, report shit, and once it's going, patrol the club). I got to wear my SUPER TACKY BEJEWELED with an eagle fashion jacket, fedora, and I looked fucking cool; no one had to tell me. Also, best I have ever been treated by strangers IN MY LIFE. They treated me like a demi god (all cuz they thought I could hook them up/break the rules. I did not). It's weird when people (who I KNEW were mostly assholes) fake being nice to you, even trying to bribe you, all because of your power. It honestly made me feel bad for famous/powerful people. Sincerely. You wouldn't know WHO you could trust. That IS tough. Eventually, the gigs died down. All the people I started with originally quit or...no they all quit. I was gonna say some just didn't show, but that's quitting in a different way. I stayed the longest. It was...usually fun. 1/2 of the nights were dead so you're just standing there with your dick in your hand (always hated that expression). The LGBQT parties, tho..... THEY WERE FUCKING NUTS! IMO I had not seen a 'party' party till those parties. I mean, the one on new years eve...it was an EVENT. OMG. I felt bad for the cleaners. And I still remember 2 of the most insane things that if I had not seen, I would not have believed while working there. I do wanna say I don't think these happened necessarily at LGBQT parties. One time, a guy was knocked to the floor, and like SIX people beat the ever loving fuck outta him, and it took a while for it to be stopped (they didn't hire the most guards...) Ambulance had to come and all. Had to work on him immediately, on the ground, once outside. I had only seen a beating one other time like that in my life. The second is a more humorous, but a still violent story (these wouldn't happen at cannabis only parties....). I saw, I fuck you not, 2 people in powered wheelchairs fight. First in the chairs, then one knocked down, fighting on the floor. OMG. They tried to chase each other down at some point. Finally, one left, and the other REFUSED to get back in his chair. Like fought off 2 people trying to get him in his chair. It was a LONG 5 minutes. Finally, the manager (one of them. They had so fucking many. All paid shitty) said 'if you don't leave, I am calling the cops.' Never saw a handicapped person move so fast from the floor to the chair to out the door. It was....you can't make this shit up, kinda stories, ya know? I may have HATED city life, but, I lived a whole LIFETIME in the 3 years I was there. I have so many stories, I genuinely forgot a lot of them...sucks, but sometimes (like these) they'll...pop up.

But NOW, #3 cool moment in my life...

SO, why, today, am I famous? My friend pointed out that on 102.5 WIOG's wikipedia page (ya know, where I worked 5 1/2 years), among the famous known DJ's, MY NAME IS UP THERE.

NO, I swear on my soul, I did not do that. <OR, if I did, I was a new level of black out I have never reached before. Joking.> Cuz...I don't google myself often. Like I did last year for the first time in...3 years? I am starting more and more, now. <cuz my wack885 name which I use on everything is being lambasted by trolls on fucking youtube of me bitching when they choke on overwatch (it's from THEIR viewpoint and you SEE them suck, but they upload it to mock me for pointing out their suckage.> So now I HAVE to look up my real name, wack, and wack885 cuz fuckers have no fucking life. I never paid attention to them; I have no idea how long this has been going on.

ANYWAYS,

The weird part of my name on the radio wiki is....the names they mention around me are all WAYYYY before my time. It's like all classic radio djs I remember...then me, 2nd from the end, outta no where. I mean, no one I WORKED with was even on there, and they were on the morning show.... So it's def a gag/troll thing, but...thanks? lol Because of it, I actually added 'wack' to the 'wack' wikipedia (there's a lot of em').

(Anyone know how to use wikipedia? I actually just created an account. I know nothing. I need to link my name in the article to my name in the 'wack' page. How do I do that? I know I have to edit, but how do I impose the link? Thanks in advance.)

<Yeah...after ALL that shit, I end on a 'help me with my wiki'. But that's me. I'm wack ;) >

[moomoomooing]

mild rant? mostly thoughts :)

yk ive just not been a fan of how quickly my mood and possible depression is flipping from eberythings fine and im only a little stressed but its ok! to jesus fuck let me rot (projects and deadlines are suddenly piled up and its overwhelming, but i also feel like this when i have nothing i can do)

i try to keep on a shower schedule cause of my class times (i have night classes half of the days so i shower on my off days) but it means i gotta be nasty for a day on sunday till i shower that night. and i never have the willpower to go to the studio feeling nasty,,, even if it wouldve been great to get work done and satiate the restlessness i get from being in my dorm all day

but i didnt and now im plagued with guilt and more stress/ anxiety yippees

on another note my roommate is really REALLY good at finding ALL of my triggers for anxiety or fight or flight responses. so far they nailed using my mirror/being TOO close to my belongings without asking (they eventually asked and i gave permission out of being nice but i severely dislike it and it makes me hyperaware of everything she does when i hear her close to my dresser). they got my i will tense up and not breathe till its over response to alarm sounds (i hate them theyre incredibly anxiety inducing and i always wake up before my alarm usually out of fear. thankfully now my alarms a last resort/reminder of time if i dont wake up early). and!! they let the door slam (boo loud noises), are constantly on a call they often dont wear earbuds for and talk really loudly half the time, or is on call past 12 am (i feel intrusive and also please i cant sleep if youre on call)

theres also other general icks that are hopefully getting better? im noticing less of smth that i hate that they do (its a not cleaning after yourself type deal) but it could just be coincidence

oh also im trying to apply for jobs (remote part-times or internships) and frankly im scared. the reason it took me so long to get a job in highschool was also straight fear and anxiety lmao

i would love money tho (pssst i have commissions open :D)

OW SHARP RINGING NOISE WHERE DID YOU COME FROM????????? ALL OF THE WHITE NOISE DISSAPEARED AND ITS ONLY THAT

anyways i got another strike of hypersensitive skin??? no idea what causes it but it made the underneath of my forearm feel like i scraped it across concrete. 0/10 i didnt have a pleasant showering experience

oh on a better note being so far removed from my family and the fact we basically never call or text has been quite freeing

its like when i was actually at public highschool and had agency over myself in a way i didnt have when my mom was around (basically her presence was usually STRESS)

on a lesser note i havent been talking with my two other friends (ill call em the trio, them plus me) and its been kinda radio silence from everyone? i havent exactly been great either but my infrequent requests for vcs are usually ignored or not responded too which sucks. it makes me more paranoid than id like to be

our time difference definitely makes it way harder too tho, im ahead by a few hours. ik weve gone months without talking before then picked it right back up, but im always scared during the radio silence anyways

im always scared and curious abt other ppls opinions on me, usually the ppl i consider friends. ik one of my friends likes me? but their friends (the 4 of us will be rooming together next year, theyre also technically my friends but my usually point of contact with them is through my friend) i cant tell how much they like me? its probably my unfamiliarity with them but it makes me nervous for no reason

anyways if you actually read all of this, sorry for taking away your time? i reccomend soft gepard x sampo (hsr) fics to soothe the mind, theyre cute.

also hey haha if youre one of the two friends, literally the nickels, are reading this? erase it from your mind please and thanks

[pesterloglog]

Jane Crocker, Jake English

Act 6, page 4208-4217

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:40

GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?

GT: Ive barely even begun!

GG: Tell me about it.

GT: Youre off to a sluggish start then too i gather?

GG: Dad has the whole house in full fatherly lockdown mode. Talk about blowing a few measly "assassination attempts" way out of proportion!

GG: So I'm currently mulling over my next move.

GG: What is it that has you hamstrung? Did you ever track down the slippery Mr. Strider?

GT: Not exactly.

GT: His stupid doppelglasses have set me on a wild goose chase to go pry his dumb robots chest open and swipe its uranium.

GG: Sounds dangerous!

GT: No shit.

GT: I think id rather deal with the monsters.

GG: Why is it that our two best friends in the world always seem to place themselves at the source of all our problems, while simultaneously presenting their only solutions?

GT: I know right???

GG: I'm debating whether or not to enlist his help in the matter of my current imprisonment. But I'd rather keep it as a plan of last resort.

GT: Dont do it jane its a trap!!!

GG: We'll see.

GG: So I take it you're out and about now?

GT: Hell no. I spent so much time haggling with those confounded shades im only leaving my room just now.

GG: Right. Well, not to keep you too long, since we both still have our missions ahead of us, but I wanted to tell you about that dream I had.

GT: Oh yeah!

GT: I was curious about that. Tell me everything and make it snappy!

GT: *Whips up bucket of freshly popped corn.*

GG: Hoo. :B

GG: Ok, but, I should say that the nature of the dream was a bit worrisome.

GG: And I'm concerned it may have implications for the game we're about to play.

GG: So it's probably best that I tell you about it before you leave.

GT: Well shoot.

GT: Ok then lay it on me jane.

GG: I woke up on the planet which we have been told about by our mutual acquaintance.

GG: The one covered in golden cities. Prospit, remember?

GT: Oh. Wouldnt it be prospits moon?

GG: Yes, you're right. It was the moon, actually. I could see the planet on the dark horizon.

GG: I was dressed in a golden dress, like a sort of nightgown, and I could fly. I left my bedroom, which was at the top of a tall tower. Surrounding me were the gold cities, just as described.

GG: Behind the skyline was darkness. But just above was a bright blue sky and puffy white clouds.

GT: That was skaia!

GG: Yes, probably.

GG: Are you sure you haven't woken up there before?

GT: Haha i WISH.

GT: I have received reports from jade about this as well. She liked to talk about her dreams on prospits moon a lot.

GG: I see. The impression I have developed is that this is supposed to be a real place, and all who dream there have shared experiences.

GG: Did Jade ever mention seeing us there?

GT: No but why would she? This was long before we were born! She was dreaming there like a hundred years ago or something.

GG: Hrmm. Anyway...

GG: I explored the moon, and began to notice people gathering in the streets.

GG: But they weren't human. They were funny looking, perfectly white creatures.

GT: Yeah those are prospitians.

GT: They have these hard carapace shells and also have something to do with chess i think?

GG: Well, I don't know if they had much to do with chess here.

GG: The more closely I observed, the more they appeared somewhat despondent.

GT: Like...

GT: Sad?

GG: Yes.

GG: I determined they were in mourning, actually.

GT: Hey.

GT: Jane you said i was in this dream. Where do i come in?

GG: Shoosh! I'm getting there.

GG: More and more Prospitians were filing out of the buildings every moment.

GG: They all began to form a single, major procession.

GG: When I got closer, I could see that some were in tears.

GG: I realized this was a funeral.

GG: I heard whispers, but couldn't make out what they were saying, so I got closer.

GG: They were all saying the same thing, over and over.

GG: "The Page is dead."

GG: "Our hope is lost."

GT: The page?

GT: Whos that?

GG: Jake.

GG: The Page was you.

GT: Oh.

GT: Drat.

GT: Are you sure?

GG: Yes, I saw your body lying in a sort of coffin, on a bed of flowers. You were dead as a doornail.

GG: Everyone was so distraught!

GG: Including me. :(

GG: But before I could get too horribly upset, let alone make sense of any of it, I woke up.

GG: I of course immediately wanted to tell you all about, but it was still well before sunrise for you, and you were surely still asleep.

GG: Then as the day went on I guess I became distracted by other things. You know how it is.

GG: I hope I'm not too late to "warn" you, though to be frank I don't have the foggiest clue what it is I'm warning you about.

GG: "Dear Jake, oh please do try not to... have already... died in my dream? Likely while you were sleeping, perhaps peacefully?"

GT: Haha yeah. I see your point.

GG: Still, I think you'll agree that it's to be viewed as a troubling omen.

GG: I care very much for you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you both in my dreams, and here in this world.

GG: So for whatever good it does, just please be extra careful out there today!

GT: Roger that janey!

GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot...

GT: Because well i sure do care a lot about you too you know that.

GG: Hooray! Will do. ;B

GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker.

GT: Booyeah!

GT: Ok good luck jane and keep me posted! C ya.

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

[talon-dragonbeast]

took me forever to answer these but i was so excited to see this post, and love the idea of questions for otherhearteds!

What are some misconceptions about being otherhearted that you hear all the time?

probably that a hearttype is somehow "less than" a kintype. like, if i had a penny every time someone said "maybe youre just otherhearted" in response to someone questioning a 'type, id be rich. no, fuck you, im not "just" otherhearted. my hearttypes are just as important to me as my kintypes.

How strong are your hearttypes in your daily life?

theyre more or less always in the back of my mind. im lucky because my town is full of crows and magpies, so im always interacting with them in some way :}

What are some otherhearted stereotypes folks tend to believe that annoy you?

that we're not alterhuman? for some reason? i mean yeah, we're not nonhuman, but we still fall under the AHPI umbrella. alterhuman ≠ nonhuman yknow, and im tired of folks assuming otherwise.

Do you ever get jealous of nonhumans who are your kithtype/hearttype?

yeah i do. i wish i was a crow, i wish i was spacekin. but being 'hearted is pretty cool too so. no complaints here.

Do some of you dislike your kithtypes, but find it hard to control that feeling of connection?

no, i love both my hearttypes.

What is the most exciting thing about being otherhearted?

probably the times i get to see a corvid in the wild. my brain just goes 🫵🐦‍⬛ friend...

Do you have shifts as an otherhearted individual?

only for my corvid hearttype! i get cameo wing shifts, a tail very rarely and mental shifts sometimes.

How did you find out you were otherhearted?

my corvid hearttype was the first 'type of any kind i discovered. i used to be in a small server for queer people only, and one day the topic of alterhumanity came up. there was a channel for spiritual ppl and altho i didnt know i was nonhuman at the time, i was aware of my phantom wings. i brought it up and someone told me i could be otherkin or otherhearted, as phantom limbs are a common experience in that community. i basically chickened out, said "haha maybe" and that was that. i didnt think much of it until a few months later, when my wings were so strong i couldnt ignore them anymore. i started researching phantom limb syndrome, but was frustrated at the lack of resources for people like me, who wasnt an amputee but still felt extra limbs over my body.

i joined an otherkin server, and described my limbs (wings, talons, sharp teeth and feathers, as those were the only ones i experienced at the time) in the questioning channel. i also mentioned my strong connection to crows. someone suggested i could be a crow therian. i thanked them and then joined yet another otherkin server, this time for bird people only. i never talked in that server. i just felt very out of place, like i was lying to myself. i still felt strongly connected to crows, but being one just wasnt right, even if i knew i was some kind of nonhuman. i left all those servers and basically ignored all that for a few months.

of course, i eventually found the term otherhearted and started identifying with it. but it was a journey.

Do you often feel unseen in the alterhuman/being community, since nonhumans are often at the center of attention?

yeah, a bit

Do you feel as though your neurotype affects your otherheartedness?

for my spacehearted identity, yes! when i was a kid i adored space and so i would obsessively read all about it. i wanted to know everything; how the universe was formed, what were stars made of, how did black holes work... i absorbed all of it. it was one of my first special interests that i have memory of, so i hold it very close to my heart (pun intended)

Have you ever mistaken a hearttype as a kintype/theriotype? If so, how did you distinguish it to actually be a hearttype instead?

yup! had to do a lot of introspection to figure it out, and the whole process took like an entire year lol. i had to discover my draconity first before i could even start considering a hearttype, so yeah.

as for how, i kinda just knew? that it wasnt a kintype? so my thought process was basically: i experience phantom limbs + i feel nonhuman + i identify with crows = i must be a crow therian -> wait being a crow feels wrong -> maybe i am not nonhuman after all -> i still experience phantom limbs and feel nonhuman tho???? -> WAIT i feel like a dragon -> i am dragonkin :D -> i still identify with crows tho -> oh wait the crow feelings feel very different from the dragon feelings -> oooh its identify-with, not identify-as -> im crowhearted!!! :D

Otherhearts, I hardly hear from you, and I find that somewhat disheartening. I find you guys' ability to resonate so strongly with something pretty beautiful.

You don't have to answer all of these questions all at once, you can pick and choose.

What are some misconceptions about being otherhearted that you hear all the time?

How strong are your hearttypes in your daily life?

What are some otherhearted stereotypes folks tend to believe that annoy you?

Do you ever get jealous of nonhumans who are your kithtype/hearttype?

Do some of you dislike your kithtypes, but find it hard to control that feeling of connection?

What is the most exciting thing about being otherhearted?

Do you have shifts as an otherhearted individual?

How did you find out you were otherhearted?

Do you often feel unseen in the alterhuman/being community, since nonhumans are often at the center of attention?

Do you feel as though your neurotype affects your otherheartedness?

Have you ever mistaken a hearttype as a kintype/theriotype? If so, how did you distinguish it to actually be a hearttype instead?

[voidbeomgyu]

7:06AM: ive been so inactive bc classes just started again, but ive come back to release my anxiety ab this man at the bus stop. im literally in the bus rn but at the stop i was waiting and then some man ive never talked to before pulls up and starts talking to me. ((for context my class starts at 7:15am and i take the 6am bus bc the next bus is at 7am and id be late by a few right but sometimes idc ab being late cos im tired so i take the 7am bus, like today))

so ive seen this fool like mayb two times before ,i cant remember but he never talked to me until today when he walked to the stop and asked me "arent you cold?" cos all i have on rn are my sweatpants and a tshirt over a white longsleeve cos my first class is a body conditioning class im gonna warm tf up right. but i was like "uh aha a little" and he laughed or whatever and then just kept talking like bro im literally trying to text my "more than friends" friend rn leave me alone. he asked if im going to school rn and BRUH MEN MAKE ME BLANK OUT LIKE MY MOUTH GOES ON AUTO PILOT SO MY DUMBASS SAID YES.

ive had some not good at all experiences with men and boys around my age before so idk, ig over time my axiety just got worse? anyway he was like "college? [state] state?" and i omg i was like "no just college ahah" and the nearest one is like the ONLY ONE SO HE CONNECTED THE DOTS TO WHICH SCHOOL I GO TO OBV. i even told him my name bc im DUMB. but like im wearing my bracelets rn right (i make and wear kandi ((pony bead bracelets))) and the one on my wrist has my name on it and so does the phone charm thing i made. so i like noticed him eyeing it and was like FUCK I CANT EVEN LIE ARRGRGRHHR COS LIKE I COULD SAY IT WAS A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER NAME RIGHT BUT WHY WOULD I HAVE MY PHONE CHARM SAY SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME RIGHT GRRRARRGGRGSGR

after he would finish a thought id turn to look forward to the road again and look down at my phone to text my friend right so it would be silent for like 2 second and then BOOM HE STARTS TALKING AB HOW HE GOT HIS LISENCE SUSPENDED FOR THREE YEARS BC HE KEPT BREAKING THE LAW AND GETTING TICKETS IM LOSING MY MIND WHY WOULD I NEED TO KNOW THIS??!??? he was like yea thats why im taking the bus now and have to wake up so early and im sitting there like 😀👍

i had my mask on bc paranoia yardy kno (tmi i have the covid vaccine and two boosters and i still got sick but i didnt die so cool it did what it was supposed to ((tmi tmi my body is so weak when i was in 5th grade i almost died from an infection spreading up my arm to my heart from a PLAYGROUND WOODCHIP SPLINTER IN MY FINGER...))) so like i wear masks bc i dont wanna get sick by ANYTHING EVEN JUST A COLD OR SOMETHING IDC IDC im happy for that tho cos 1. man does not know what my face looks like and 2. face warm

OKAY ANYWAYS when he found out my name he paused for a second and asked who my dad was and i was like ...what so he said something like his ex's brother had a daughter named [MY NAME BRUH] and i was like 😀👍 aaahawggagwggs so he thought i was her or something. i was like oh okay haha and then turned back around like ive been doing to try and end the conversation right, but like we are waiting at the bus stop yk so theres gonna be cars that pass by and its gonna get loud especially rn everyone is going to work. but since it was loud ig i didnt hear him?? cos suddenly his voice is like way louder than before right so i turn and hes like A FOOT AWAY FROM MY FACE IM AARGRHEGR WHY. he said his name i forgot what it was i wasnt paying attention cos i was like 😦 but it think it was michael, so michael if u ever see this ur weird.

anyway then he said something like "you know what's cool?" and bruh i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. why? idk but that sounds so ????? like scary ???? but i was like "uh sure" and then he went on this tangent about being in the navy and that he got to travel the world like three? idk how many times but he was telling me wheres hes been like naming the countries right

i was just sitting there being my polite little self bc i was raised to no matter what respect when someone is speaking to you in a conversation even if u dont wanna be there. like for when someone older than you is speaking to you i mean and this guy was OOOOOLDER THAN ME faded brown hair covered in grey, brown grey fluffy stash, he looked like maybe early-mid fifties but could pass for being like 70 im being so fr. anyway yea im being polite even tho im like so uncomfortable bc thats just what i do idk😭 it was def obv how uncomfortable i was tho i was fidgeting SO much like shaking both my legs, picking at the skin around my fingers, and trying to end the conversation multiple times. but he just kept going😭

but after that whole idk how long tangent ab navy stuff he suddenly asked (after i turned around to stop talking to him ofc) how old i was like "how old are you if you dont mind me asking?" and so i was like scared but also kinda relieved cos i get comments a lot about how much younger AND how much older i look bc ig i just present myself more mature??? even tho my style and stuff isnt like super mature or anything ppl ive talked to like teachers/parents/classmates who are older than me, like mid twenties to late thirties tell me that they thought i was so much older when im actually like a baby. its only ppl my age that say i look younger right, so i was like oh maybe he thinks im like way older or something?? like im wearing a backpack and a little tote with stuff so it looks like im going to school, but he asked if im attending college or a four year uni meaning he thought i was a little older (or at least he just didnt mention a thought of me being in high school? mayb cos im taking the public bus and not a school bus idk). i said the truth bc I HAD HOPE IDK BRUH LIKE IKKKK I RLLY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY HOPES BC A MAN IS A MAN AND IF U GET WEIRD VIBES THEN THEY ARE PROB VERY MUCH CORRECT BUT IDK😭😭😭

anyway i told him like yea im 18 and when i tell you his face lit up like LIT UP. i was gonna be sick like why are you smiling so hard at me being so young like he was giddy ab it too like STOPPPP. he was like "woww getting your education earlyyy thats awesome" and tbh idk how to take comments like that bc idk hs at least in my state is like "go to college or university immediately after highschool" and during senior year we have stands up to help us apply for schools and stuff so i dont rly see me being 18 at college early or anything so i just sat there like "😀👍 thanks" IM USING THAT EMOJI COMBO A LOT BUT DAWG ISTG THAT WAS LITERALLY ME THE WHOLE DAMN TIME IM SO FR

i was thinking to myself like WHY IS THIS BUS TAKING SO DAMN LONG PLEASEEEE😭😭😭😭😭 but it arrived eventually and he got on first and sat allllll the way at the back. i always sit near the front bc its just easier ig idk but i was like so relieved bruh while i was sitting there listening to him i was thinking like oh my god P L E A S E do not sit next to me to keep our conversation going i want to sit in silence and be CALM. IM LITERALLY A BROKE COLLEGE DANCE MAJOR STUDENT IM SO PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TIRED AND I CANT EVEN DRIVE SO IM TAKING THE PUBLIC BUS AT 6AM EVERY MORNING SO I WAKE UP AT 4:30AM TO GO TO MY 7:15AM BODY CONDITIONING CLASS.

maybe i am overreacting and it was one of those things thats like a fatherly kind of thing. like how sometimes you might meet a nice man who works at a shop and you see him as like a father figure of sorts yk. but like i really REALLY was not getting that vibe. like at some points i was 'like yea cool okay mayb im wrong and ur just a wise man talking life to a kid you met at the bus stop', but then he'd just keep talking. and yk how theres like a line of where something is like too much to say right. like its a common sense thing to know when you're a GROWN person and you first meet someone who is damn younger than you and could pass as a minor, you dont ask like where they live what highschool they went to, (i forgot to mention but yea he asked me that) or dump a bunch of your life on them. like he told me what highschool he went to, what elementary school he went to, what state it was in, and how he was born and raised there, where he used to work, how he had a motercycle and went 160mph coming off the freeway like an idiot, what car i should get when i decide to start drive instead of taking the bus, how cute it is that my name is so similar to a brand (like a one letter difference so he noticed it right away and was like "ohh thats so cool, you're so unique thats cute"), and that whole ex's brother thing was weird too like idk i feel like you wouldnt ask "who's your dad?" but rather ask like "does [name] happen to be your father?" or something yk. NOT TO MENTION THE LISENCE SUSPENDED FOR THREE YEARS NOW ONE YEAR LEFT THING TOO LIKE 😭 OKAY WHY WOULD YOU TELL ANYONE YOU JUST MET AB THAT😭😭😭

anyway yea i just didnt get the friendly older man you see in those heart touching movies kinda vibe. more like grown man finds a young girl sitting alone at the bus stop and dumps his life story on her to hopefully rush into some sort of relationship with her kinda vibe. (like those situations ((a lot of the time in fiction lol)) where you meet someone for the first time at a bar or something and you talk the whole damn night and either go home knowing everything ab eachother and planning on meeting again or having fucked in the backseat of one of your cars kinda rush i mean) IDK MAN it was like a scary unsettling kinda vibe yk. it was obv he had so much more he wanted to say bc he was like ig stopping himself?? idk how to elaborate on that but when the bus finally arrived he sighed like "aw the bus is here" so i feel like he wanted to talk with me more.

TL;DR im never taking the 7AM bus instead of the 6AM bus again because of a man i met on a cold wednesday morning 😀👍 happy day everyone

[boy-armageddon]

haiii hewwoooo sorry this'll prolly be a little rambly but! i will talk about my valorant oc corrode who i have. actually not posted anything about before! apologies about that pfft. uhhh okay here we go and shit!

(sidenote: im relatively new to the valorant fandom and i haven't developed corrode the most sorry about that i just wanna talk about them still)

okay so! corrode, real name rez whitfield (almost named them redfield but that might be a little on the nose for me making them a resident evil fan y'know) yeah yeah. they're from new zealand and like 28-29 that age range. anywhooooo let's get to the uh meat of it yeah yeah!

they are a radiant (well it's. complicated ill get into that some other time i haven't developed that part too much but it involves the kingdom experiment stuff y'know how it js) with the ability to produce acid and shit, which. okay to admit i generally haven't thought about gameplay mechanics for corrode as, while i have looked into quite a bit, it's hard for me to actually think it y'know. ive only thought of like a few things and they're just vague out-line-y stuff my apologies. id guess they'd prolly have like an ability that would like idk put acid on the floor and apply the decay effect (no duh (/lh) and prolly limit where other players could move but that's like around it im not all that familiar with the game-game like how that would be to play my apologies. anywho ill just get to talking about corrode's personality etc etc maybe a backstory element thingy.

so, for what i generally imagine for corrode as a character, they're generally. ill get it out of the way they're joker-like (/lh). but yeah corrode is a very weird person and a bit scary and they're quite bad with interacting with others. not mean but they'd sort of creep other people out. they're very loose with their emotions and can loose their cool very easily, along with having not the best control over their powers, which conflicts a lot with the fact that they generally try to follow any orders they're given to a t and shit. this is all more general stuff though not anything final y'know. an odd detail i immediately thought of ive mentioned was that they're a huge resident evil fan because haha the biohazard stuff and like corrode. acid. ba dum tss. also idk how to fit this in but they're an orphan and were a bit isolated in general for a good bit. SAD!

anywhooooo. art of corrode i have woo

rough sketch of corrode and shit

rough doodle of corrode's outfit i did (which. had an amongus head i cropped)

live corrode reaction. need i say more?

i have an actual coloured im drawing of corrode featuring their face but i think it suuuuucks. so im not showing it rn until i make something better

anywhoooo that's all i feel like talking about for corrode for now! ill prolly mention some other stuff later but yeah. corrode is stillllll a work in progress mf so none of this in final. corrode could be a turtle for all i know next time (/j). but yeah that's all lmao toodles