#expect this- this is what happens when you work full time

[weaselle]

Feeling drained and having good-time chemical withdrawl is a valid possibility, but. There IS another thing that might be happening.

It took me working with dogs before i started to see it easily in the people around me (and myself)

Dogs can very easily go from happy/excited to furious anger or snappy fear in a split second (which is why when i manage a group of dogs there is no over-the-top energetic playing or high-level excitement allowed)

We think of emotions like Furious and Elated as being on opposite ends of a single line. But actually, it's more like Furious and Mildly Irritated are on opposite sides of a line, and other emotional states like Elated and Barely Content are on opposite sides their own line, and the lines are placed so that Furious and Elated are right next to each other -- it's all about how much energy is being poured through the lines, Furious and Elated both take a lot of, like, emotional commitment, and when you are dumping that much energy into one of them, it's easy for you to jump the track to one of the other lines

This is why sometimes when you are at your angriest or most sad, suddenly something will start you laughing hilariously. It's why when you are having the most fun, sometimes something small like an offhand comment can flip you all the way to deeply disappointed and super sad.

So it could be the opposite of your battery being drained. If you are having a great time, full of energy, and the great time ends, you still have all that energy and the only place it has to go is into the disappointment. What should be a small drop has turned into a fall from a great height. I think the difference in feel between this and the energy drain is the speed and the association of tiredness. Do you get home and sort of slowly start to feel bad and empty, or do you get home and suddenly it's time for Bad Feelings to get a boost of energy?

Either way, if you get used to the pattern, your brain will start to lean into that process. You expect to feel that way, and so you will be pushed down the paths that have been worn into your neural landscape.

It may help to plan a thing to look forward to for after these events. Sort of your own aftercare. So, like, "after this party i'm going to sit in bed with a cup of hot cocoa and read another chapter in this book i'm really into" or whatever. Something to interrupt the expectation of disappointment, so you can feel like: well, this good thing is ending, but now i get to do this other good thing! as a step down from your good times into other, less energetic but still positive experiences.

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

[snail-day]

Can We Prep?

TW: Lovedrunk! Suguru x Reader, Mentions of SatoSugu, Double penetration (w/ toy), Unprotected sex, Creampie, Size kink, somno-adjacent (reader sleepy aftercare), Aftercare, Praise kink, Soft Yandere Themes, Sugu a little insecure. MDNI WC: 1.7k a/n: okay I really need to clean my house now, I literally started this earlier this morning and then stopped. Then came back. and now I reallyyyy need to prep my house for guests. Enjoy <3

Now, Suguru wasn’t expecting you to shyly come up to him early in the morning, fidgeting with your fingers while he scrolled through his phone just after Satoru left.

Wasn’t expecting you to bite your lip, fiddle with the hem of Satoru’s shirt you were wearing, bouncing nervously on the balls of your feet. His first thought is immediate and irrational: What’s wrong? What happened? Did Satoru do something? Who do I have to kill?

His phone long forgotten as it drops to the bed as his hand instinctively comes up to cradle your face, tilting it toward him, making sure you’re actually looking at him. “Your words, please?” he murmurs, already trying to quiet the panic in his chest. Because the truth is - he’s so scared sometimes. Scared that this dream is too good to last. That you’ll choose Satoru. That you’ll wake up and realize you don’t want them both. Don’t want him.

But then you kiss the pad of his thumb as it brushes your lips and mumble under your breath, “Do you think I can take both of you?”

And his brain promptly shuts down.

Like, blue screen, buffering circle, full system reboot. Both of them. You want them both. His sweet, shy girl, asking him so bravely, trusting him first. His heart fucking stutters in his chest.

He barely manages to drop his hands to your waist and press his forehead against your chest, letting out a long breath because you’re too much.

You came to him. Not Satoru. Him.

Because you know Satoru wouldn’t prep you right. Wouldn’t go slow. Suguru would have to stand behind him the whole time and tell him what to do - like always. But now? With you all flushed and fidgety and asking him first?

God, he doesn’t even try to hide the soft little laugh that escapes him, low and warm against your chest. He looks up at your pout, the flushed stain on your cheeks. It must’ve taken everything in you to come ask him. You trust him that much.

Of course he says yes. Of course he’s going to prep you. Tells you you can stop anytime. That he’ll take care of everything.

Because the idea of hurting you? Unthinkable. But the idea of them both being in you? Holy fuck.

It doesn't take long for him to get you on you’re on your stomach. Face down, legs parted, ass up. And he thinks this might actually kill him. Sure, him and Satoru have thought of this before. But didn't want to pressure their girl over it.

You’re already so wet, so soft for him, as he laps the last of your cum from his lips and lifts the blue dildo - almost identical to Satoru’s size, and watches the toy slide into you. He can’t help but press a hand to your tummy, splaying his fingers outwards, holding you there as his long hair falls over his shoulder. Whispers soothing little praises as he works the toy in and out in slow, deep strokes.

His chest aches. Literally hurts with how much he adores you. How cute those sounds you make are.

When he pauses, murmuring “Back it up for me,” and sees your hips roll obediently, working yourself deeper onto the toy? His heart squeezes so tight he’s not even sure he can breathe.

You’re working so hard. For him. His pretty girl.

And when the lewd squelching sounds start, the lube and cum dripping onto the sheets below, his cock is already leaking. He doesn’t even try to hide how desperate he is as he lines himself up behind you, cock flushed and twitching.

Pressing the thick dark tip inside, careful and slow, whispering, “We can stop anytime, just say the word, okay?” But he already knows you won’t. You’re clinging to the sheets, gasping as he inches in.

And he’s falling apart.

She’s letting me in. She wants me. She’s trusting me with this. Oh my god, I’m going to fucking die.

“Fuck - fuck - you’re doing so good, baby,” he groans as his pretty eyes squeeze shut, barely managing to bottom out before reaching for his phone with one trembling hand. Lifts the dildo just a bit to frame the shot - his cock and the toy both buried inside your soaked cunt - and sends the video with shaking fingers.

Our girl wants us to fill her up. Hurry home <3 Be safe. We love you.

Then he tosses the phone like it’s nothing, already focused entirely on you again. Because his thoughts are spinning fast now.

Now, his first worry is: he’s going to cum. His second worry is: do you even have space for it?

He strokes his thumb along the rim of your other hole, feeling your walls tighten around him as he rocks his hips a little deeper, his mind already spiraling. You're taking it so well. You're perfect.

He’s holding your belly like it’ll keep him connected. Like if he lets go, he’ll float away. That soft squish of skin, the bulge where he and the toy both stretch you open - it’s almost too much for him. The sight of it all. The sound of you gasping. The feel of your cunt gripping him so tightly like you never want to let go.

And then he’s moaning, biting your shoulder gently as he cums. Long and deep, his whole body trembling as he fills you to the brim. He doesn’t move. Can’t. Just breathes through it, forehead pressed to your shoulder, muttering, “Such a good - fuck - good - girl. Love you. C’mon, tell me you love me too,” he pants in short bursts. Suguru isn’t the type to beg, but in moments like this? He pleads as he spills inside you. Waits for your cunt to stop fluttering around him as you cum. Listens to your babbled I love yous through the haze.

“You okay?” he whispers against your skin, kissing the dip of your spine. “Still doing good, sweetheart?” Another kiss. Then a third. “Too much? Tell me, please.”

You nod sleepily, letting out a soft sound, and he exhales shakily - relief and adoration curling in his chest. He waits a beat. Then asks again. Feeling your legs shake less as his palm grazes across them.

“Still okay? You need water? A snack? Do you want me to pull out now, or do you need a minute? Take your time, baby, no rush - just wanna make sure you’re alright.”

He’s already brushing your hair back, peppering your shoulders and neck with the softest kisses like he can’t help himself. And he really can’t. He’s not thinking straight. All he can do is touch you. Kiss you. Hold you. Because he loves you so fucking much it’s making him lightheaded.

Once you give him the okay. A small little nudge. He pulls out slowly - so slowly - hand on your lower back, the other bracing your hip, whispering, “Easy, easy, baby… I got you,” as if your body might fall apart without him holding it together.

And when the toy slips free with a wet pop, his breath catches. You flinch just the slightest bit and he’s already bending down, voice tender and panicked all at once - “Did that hurt? Hey, hey, look at me. You okay, pretty girl?”

You nudge him again to continue, a small whine that he's being too much which he releases an airy laugh. His heart is still pounding. Not from the sex, not entirely, it’s from the trust. From how warm you feel. From the way you whispered “Do you think I can take both of you?” like it wasn’t the thing that just restructured his brain chemistry forever.

He presses a kiss to the swell of your ass, then your lower back, then between your shoulder blades, murmuring “Good girl” between each one, believing that if he says it enough times, maybe you’ll understand how much you mean to him.

“Gonna clean you up, love. Warm rag, okay? I promise I’ll be gentle.”

His hands tremble slightly as he leaves your side - just for a second, just a second, stay right there, baby - and returns with a soft, damp cloth. It’s not even hot anymore, but he tests it on the inside of his wrist like you might bruise if it’s a degree too warm.

Every wipe comes with a whisper.

“You did so well for me, baby.” “Still with me? Want some water?” “I know, I know - it’s a lot. You were so brave.” “I’ll make you breakfast after this. Whatever you want. Okay?”

When he wipes between your legs, he's practically holding his breath, voice breaking around the edges.

“Hurts at all? Tell me, please. I need to know. Want you feeling good, not sore - shit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone so deep - ”

You have to grab his wrist to get him to calm down, which only makes him melt harder. He exhales a laugh, quiet and shaky, before leaning down to nuzzle against your cheek.

“I just… fuck, I love you,” he murmurs. “I love you so much it’s stupid. You don’t know what you do to me.”

You’re still blinking through the haze of afterglow and overstimulation, and he can’t stop brushing your hair out of your face, tucking it behind your ear so he can see your expression. “Hey, baby - still okay? Still feeling good?”

You nod, and he presses a kiss to your temple.

“Good girl,” he whispers again. “You have to tell me if anything hurts, okay? Or if it’s too much. Or if you feel funny. Or cold. Or if you want a bath. Do you want a bath? I’ll run one. I’ll add bubbles. Epsom salt. Rose petals if we have them.”

“You’re rambling,” you murmur, voice small, and it makes him smile like a lovesick idiot.

“I know,” he says, pressing another kiss to your shoulder. “I’m just so in love with you, that’s all.”

He doesn’t even try to play it cool.

When he finally wraps you up in a clean shirt - his shirt, because it smells like him and he likes the idea of you covered in his scent - he tucks you into his lap on the couch, arms wrapped tight around your middle like he can fuse your hearts together if he holds you close enough.

"You warm enough?" "Want a snack?" "Want me to braid your hair while you rest?" "You okay, sweet girl? Still feeling good?"

Every five seconds. He’s hopeless. Disgustingly in love. His fingers brush over your thighs, your tummy, your shoulders, checking for signs of soreness, massaging the base of your spine as you curl up into him.

And then, quietly, “Hey. You really meant it, right? You really want… both of us?”

You hum, eyes fluttering as you rest your cheek against his chest. “Mhm. I want you, Suguru.”

His throat gets tight. His arms tighten around you. Watching you pick a show on the screen as he continues peppering you in kisses.

Just a man in love.

[deerspherestudios]

Plans for the Upcoming Months 📝

Hello hello fireflies!

Here's the TL;DR:

APRIL: Finishing owed Patreon sketches. 🌸 MAY: Designing merch and attending a con. 🌺 JUNE: Resuming progress on Mushroom Oasis - Day 4. 🍄

For full context:

I'll try to keep my thoughts here concise, but the summary is I feel like in recent months I keep biting off more than I can chew by working on multiple things at once when it comes to projects. What started out as a game in my spare time during college definitely feels like more work to maintain now, of which I'm grateful to be able to do.

However, it's also why I keep feeling like I never finish things and it's only exacerbated with life keeping me occupied with personal matters.

Starting this month, at least for the foreseeable future, I don't have anything on my calendar for the first time in a while. So I'm taking this chance to divide the next few months into smaller smaller!! goals to ensure I can keep creating without risking physical and creative burnout.

The reason I've made this into a full post is so that people are aware what I'm working on currently, like a To-Do list of sorts! From April to June, I'll be focusing on:

4️⃣ APRIL: Finishing owed Patreon sketches. 🌸

5️⃣ MAY: Designing merch and attending a con. 🌺

6️⃣ JUNE: Resuming progress on MO - Day 4. 🍄

While I understand it might seem absurd to spend an entire month to do each of these, I'm merely setting attainable expectations for everyone and myself. I wish I could've done more since the beginning of this year, but there's always something that deters me, and I'm working with that baseline from now on. Of course, if I happen to finish these tasks early, I'll definitely move on to the next right after!

I'd love to share progress on the next update for Mushroom Oasis, but as of now the script is still being worked on. With exposition concluded after the first three days, I find myself stuck driving the plot in multiple directions so it's taking a while to sort out the plot spaghetti ����!!

Quality over quantity will always be a priority for me, and I wouldn't wanna rush for the sake of releasing something.

As always, thank you thank you thank you for everyone's support and patience! You, the person taking the time to read this, are exactly the reason I'm able to do what I do. And I'm forever grateful for that!

Take care and thanks for reading! ❤️🍄🍄

[literaryavenger]

DOPPELGÄNGER

Summary: In a universe where Sebastian Stan not only exists but he's also your favorite actor, you swoon for him when you happen to meet him up and about New York one day, having no idea he's not who you think he is.

Pairing: sort of Sebastian Stan x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Misunderstandings. Kind of manipulative Bucky but he's still a sweetheart. Kind of naive and clueless Reader. No mentions of Y/N. My poor attempts at being funny.

Word Count: 3.8K

Requested by: @myfavbuckyfics

A/N: I'd like to thank @myfavbuckyfics for this ask which I had so much fun writing and I'm sorry it came like almost a full year late 😭 Her beautiful idea was basically 100% done, I just wrote it out and the result is just amazing! Also, I promise I'm still working on requests and they're slowly coming. Also, my messages/ask box are always open and I'm always delighted to receive requests to challenge myself with. I'm gonna try harder to find time for writing because it really brings me so much joy, especially when I find people that read and appreciate my work. Thank you to all of you who do!

Masterlist

The first time it happened, Bucky didn’t think much of it.

He’d accepted to go out for a breath of fresh air with Steve for the first time since he joined the Avengers and moved into the Compound and he was a little overwhelmed when a group of girls came up to them, fangirling and asking for photos. 

But Bucky understood, it’s Captain America, he assumed they were just excited to see Steve and asked Bucky to join the photos because he was Captain America’s friend, just to include him. After all, it hadn’t been announced yet that he had joined the team and nobody had any idea that Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes was back.

Then it started happening when he was alone too. Girls coming up to him and asking for photos with him. But he figured, from what he understood of the internet, that it got around that he was Steve’s friend so people asked for photos with him because it was better than nothing.

But what really puzzled Bucky was when they would call him a name he didn’t recognize: Sebastian. 

That’s how Bucky found out that there was an actor that coincidentally lived in New York too, called Sebastian Stan. Sam and Scott made Bucky watch basically all the man’s movies and, as much as Bucky could agree he was a talented and versatile actor, he didn’t love the fact that they looked so similar. But what could he really do about that? 

So whenever Bucky got asked for photos he would try to politely say they had the wrong person or, if he was in a good mood, he’d just pose for the photos and move on.

You’re out and about in the streets of New York when you spot him: Sebastian Stan. Just standing outside of a coffee shop, like he’s waiting for someone. You didn’t expect him to have hair that long or a stubble like that, but you did read he’d been letting it all grow for the shooting of an upcoming role.

He’s your all time favorite actor since all the way back to 2010 when he starred in Hot Tub Time Machine, but you never thought you’d ever meet him, despite living in the same city. New York is pretty big after all and full of people you’ll never meet.

You debate whether to approach him or not, worried you’re gonna bother him, but then tell yourself you’ll just say hi and, if he feels like it, ask for a photo. 

“Excuse me…” Your soft voice instantly grabs Bucky’s attention, but he keeps looking at his phone just in case it’s not directed at him. “… Sebastian?”

The tentative question annoys Bucky a little, today he’s definitely not in the mood to deal with fangirls, not after he’s been waiting close to two hours for Sam because he’s late. He turns around fully intending to shut this down right now, but the moment his eyes land on you, he feels like his heart stops entirely.

She’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

He doesn’t even realize he’s staring until you talk again. “Hi, I… I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, and I’m sure you get this all the time, but I’m a big fan and just wanted to say hi.”

God, he thinks it’s so cute how nervous you seem to be as you try to be polite. Bucky doesn’t know what to do with himself and he’s talking faster than his brain can comprehend.

“Don’t worry about it. Thank you, it’s always nice to meet a fan.” He gives you a charming smile that makes you giggle and Bucky’s heart flutters at the sound, making him feel like the care-free young man he used to be back in the 40s.

“Could I give you a hug?” You ask shyly, dying to know how it feels to hug him.

“Sure.” Bucky answers a little too eagerly.

What the hell am I doing? I don’t like people touching me.

But Bucky’s thoughts are quickly squashed when you hug him. For a moment he doesn’t know what to do, awkwardly hugging you back, but then it hits him all at once. It’s warm and comforting and it makes him feel something he hasn’t in decades… Peace.

Right there as you pull away he decides, I can’t let her get away.

“Anyway, if it’s not too much to ask, could we take a pi-”

“Do you wanna get some coffee?” Bucky interrupts you, surprising not only you but himself too.

Did Sebastian Stan just ask me to get a coffee with him?

Did I really just ask this girl that thinks I’m somebody else to get coffee with me?

Both of your minds are racing and for different reasons, just staring at each other until you say the one word that makes Bucky both incredibly happy but also incredibly nervous: “Yes.”

Bucky tells himself that it’s okay, it’s just coffee, he’ll tell you the truth after, but the more you talk the more his resolve weakens. 

Talking to you is easy, it makes him feel carefree like when he was a wide-eyed young adult, not fully tainted by the world’s cruelty yet. And it brought out a part of him he didn’t think existed anymore, the part that flirted shamelessly with you the entire time, the part that got a rush of satisfaction at every giggle he got out of you and a warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach with every shade of red he managed to make your cheeks turn to. 

It also didn’t help that you gushed over him, recounting every movie and tv show you’ve seen him in and how important each and everyone was to you. Bucky’s knees almost buckled [Bucky buckled lol] at the look of pure adoration in your face, that sparkle in your eye as you looked at him as if he was a real life shooting star in human form.

So he, when the date ends, as the words ‘I’m not Sebastian Stan’ dance on his tongue, what comes out instead is “Can I have your number?”

“Really?” You ask a little incredulous but he’s already taking out his flip phone, weird choice for an actor but okay, and you put in your phone number.

“Uhm, do you… Do you live close?” Bucky asks as he puts his phone back in his pocket. 

“Fairly.” You say vaguely. It’s not like you think he’s a serial killer, but he’s also a man you just met. “I could… Walk you, if you’d like?” Bucky offers, feeling protective over you and wanting to ensure your safety, but also desperately trying to prolong your time together. He just doesn’t want to let go of you.

You hesitate before agreeing, thinking he is a high profiled celebrity after all so there’s no reason to doubt him, right?

You feel like you’ve fallen into a fanfiction [ironic, I know] as you not only met your celebrity crush but he’s flirting with you and asking you out.

And so starts what, for you, is a fairytale romance, while for Bucky is more like a mission, his objective clear: Not let you find out who he really is. At least not yet.

As you keep going on dates and getting to know each other, or more like he gets to know you, Bucky does his best to become the man you seem so enamoured with.

In good trained spy fashion, he does all the research necessary about this Sebastian guy, the first and only time he abused his power at SHIELD to get into someone's personal files, determined to do everything he needs to keep you.

Bucky does the most, going as far as cutting his hair when he sees the actor’s haircut is slightly shorter and carefully planning his missions for times when he knows Sebastian will be away on press tours or shooting or crap like that and, when he doesn’t have missions, he just pretends to be out of town while barricading himself in the Compound, not willing to chance you finding him up and about.

He even gets himself an iPhone, going through the painful process of letting Peter teach him how to use it because the kid is the only one Bucky knew would do so without asking too many questions.

Sometimes he feels bad about lying to you and he considers coming clean, but every time he sees his face he falls more in love with you and he keeps convincing he’ll tell you the truth soon. But that time never comes.

He knows you’re falling too and he can’t bring himself to burst your bubble, not when you look at him with those bright, beautiful eyes full of love that sparkle adorably every time he’s around. He'll be Sebastian Stan forever if it means he gets to see you and be in your life everyday.

Still, he feels too guilty being intimate with you while you’re not aware of who he really is, so he makes a point to never go too far past pecks on the lips, which you accept and reassure him profusely that you’ll go at his pace, waiting patiently like the angel he believes you are.

He’s also aware that if you saw his Vibranium arm you’d immediately know he’s not actually Sebastian Stan, and not only that but he’s scared you’ll be horrified and run for the hills when you see just how broken he is, so he always keeps it hidden. 

You take notice of him always wearing long sleeves and leather gloves, but you don’t say anything about it as you don’t want to embarrass him if it’s about something he feels self conscious about, telling yourself he’ll eventually address the fact himself.

For six months everything goes smoothly, Bucky even manages to impress you with his Romanian skills, which he is more than happy to know get you fairly hot and bothered, but he keeps his promise to himself not to go too far with you until he tells you the full truth, always finding a way to come to you so he can make excuses about work stuff to not stay overnight.

But, as all good things do in his life, it comes the day where it all blows up in his face.

You’re waiting for Sebastian in front of his favorite sushi restaurant where you’re having your date but when he gets there, he almost walks past you without a glance and, thinking he just didn’t notice as he was looking at his phone, you grab his attention.

“Seb.” You walk up to him before he reaches the restaurant’s door and hug him hello, kissing his cheek like always.

Except this time, instead of returning your affections, he almost leaps back away from you. “Excuse me??”

He looks almost panicked as he looks at you like you’re crazy. “Who are you??”

You frown before you realize he’s messing with you. “Oh, nice one, Seba.” You roll your eyes playfully. “Acting like you don’t know me.”

“I’m sorry, are you a… A fan or something?” Sebastian asks confused.

“Are you gonna play the celebrity card on me after six months? Really?” You chuckle.

“Six months? What are you talking about?”

“Come, Sebastian, it’s me.” You sigh and cross your arms, starting to get over his little joke. But you have to hand it to him, he’s a really good actor. “We’re supposed to be on a date here.”

“Look, I don’t know you.” He says in a firm voice that makes you freeze, never having heard it before, you watch him take a step back like he’s afraid of you.

“Seb…” You say weakly, your arms dropping as you’re not sure what’s happening.

“Stop calling me that.” He shakes his head. “I’ve never seen you before in my life and I certainly don’t have a date with you.” 

I can’t help but feel hurt by his borderline cold tone, feeling tears starting to burn behind your eyes. “I-”

“Listen, I don’t want any trouble,” He cuts you off. “but please stop this distasteful joke or whatever this is before I call the police.”

Just as you’re about to cry out of both hurt and embarrassment all the same, Sebastian turns around to see a man standing behind him with a sheepish look as he avoids your eyes. Bucky.

“Uh, I’m sorry man, that’s my girlfriend. She was waiting for me.” Bucky apologizes to a gaping Sebastan, the actor can’t help but be amazed as he looks up and down at a man that looks so much like him, down to his own haircut. It’s like looking in an all-black dressed mirror.

Bucky keeps his eyes on his more famous version, but it’s not because he’s impressed by the similarities. He’s determined to keep his eyes away from you, his stomach churning so much he’s convinced he might throw up any second.

He saw everything, rounding the corner just as you approached Sebastian Stan. He remained well-hidden, his feet feeling stuck to the concrete as he witnessed the encounter in borderline horror and seriously debated just turning around and running away, but when he saw you were about to cry his protective side got the better of him and he felt the need to step in and save you.

He still can’t look at you though, fearing he might have just lost you for good.

“Wow…” Sebastian pulls Bucky out of his thoughts. “This is… Bizarre.” “It is.” Bucky forces a chuckle. “You can see how she’d be confused. Have a good night.”

Bucky’s quick to dismiss Sebastian as he feels like the more he stands there the more time you have to stew in your confusion and probable anger, and Sebastian doesn’t seem to think much of a man that looks like him with the same name too. Weirder things have happened in New York.

“Yeah, sorry I yelled.” Sebastian apologizes as he opens the door to the restaurant. “Have a good date, guys.”

Once Sebastian is gone, Bucky gathers all his courage just to look at you, the shock on your face clear before you snap yourself out of it and your expression goes blank.

“Who are you?” Is all you say and Bucky almost winces at your low, cold tone.

“I–” He gapes at you, not sure where to even start as the two of you just stand on the sidewalk. He sighs and runs a gloved hand down his face. “Look, I-I know you’re angry, just… Please come inside? Give me a chance to explain?”

You scoff but he starts pleading before you even get a chance to go off on me. “Please, I just want you to hear me out. Just give me a chance to tell you the full truth. You don’t have to say anything and you can leave after, just let me get the words out. Please.”

You hesitate, wanting nothing more than to turn around and run away from what you know is a potentially dangerous situation, but you know deep down that you can never say no to Sebastian, or whoever this is that you’ve spent the last six months falling for.

As you sit down in the furthest, most secluded corner of the restaurant you cross your arms and Bucky, as he told you his name is, tells you everything. And I mean everything.

He decides to tell you his entire history from the start just to paint a full picture, displaying an honesty that he’s never had with anyone, not even his therapist or Steve. But after the way he deceived you for six months and how horrible you must’ve felt during the encounter with the real Sebastian, the least he can give you right now is full honesty.

“... And I know there’s no excuse for what I’ve done, but I was just so terrified, doll.” He sighs, his eyes lowered in shame. “Terrified you’d run, terrified you’d think I’m a monster… I know I went about it in the worst ways, but I started falling for you the moment I saw you and I was so scared of losing you that I tried to do everything I could to keep you around.” You remain stoic the entire time, listening to everything that happened to him hurts deep in your soul but you can’t bring yourself to be sympathetic right now.

The last six months, everything you went through, it was all a lie. You thought you knew who you were falling for, but you were sorely mistaken. Even the cute nickname he calls you that you teased him so much for but secretly loved how adorably old fashioned it is, now feels hollow and just wrong.

When he finishes talking, you let a moment of silence pass between the two of you before you grab your purse, jacket and leave the restaurant without a single word.

Bucky doesn’t even attempt to stop you, after all you held the end of your agreement and listened to everything he had to say. Now all he can do is watch you walk away, knowing he’s lost you for good, the one good thing he ever had, just because he’s an idiot that made all the wrong choices.

A month.

That’s how long you mull things over before you’re ready to talk to Sebas–Bucky again. You went to the Compound with surprising ease but you were met in the lobby by Captain America instead of Bucky, who informed you his best friend had spent the last month wallowing in his apartment in Brooklyn, which you wish you’d known before you drove to the once again surprisingly easy to locate home of superheroes in Upstate New York.

So here you are, knocking at the apartment Steve told you Bucky sometimes resides in when he needs to get away from superheroing.

You almost gasp when he opens the door, your eyes widening at his disheveled state. You thought Steve was exaggerating when he underlined the severity of Bucky’s current mental state, but he was absolutely not.

He has dark circles under his eyes, his beard is unkept, his hair sticking out in odd places and it looks dirty. He’s obviously spent the last month in bed, not bothering to shower or even eat by the looks of it, his eyes red and puffy giving away that he’s done nothing but cry.

“Oh my god, Bucky…” You frown, the entire speech you made in your head on the way flying out of your mind as your concern overrides your anger or logic.

“Doll…” Bucky says quietly, his voice raspy and hesitant as if he’s not even entirely sure you’re actually standing there in front of him.

You stand there for a moment before you sigh. As much as you want to discuss things rationally and maybe even yell at him, I know I can’t when he’s in this state. For better or worse, you did fall for him and you can’t bear to see him like this, so you take it upon yourself to take care of him.

You make your way into his apartment and his eyes follow your movements as you silently take his hand and close the door behind you. Without saying a word, you help him shower, change into clean clothes, order food because he doesn’t have much to cook with and help him organize his apartment as you wait for it to arrive, although he doesn’t actually have many possessions to make an actual mess so it’s mostly just sweeping, dusting and gathering his dirty clothes in the hamper.

You can feel his eyes on you the entire time, he doesn’t look away for more than five seconds at a time, and you can tell he wants to say something but you’re not sure if he even knows what.

The only moment he looks away is when you help him take his shirt off, not wanting to see the horror and disgust he’s certain will be in your face, but to your credit you don’t comment or even react to his metal arm at all or any of the scars on his body, not even the massive one on his shoulder, but what you felt was something more akin to pity.

After you’ve eaten, you take a deep breath and finally turn to him.

“Listen… I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and… What you did was… Beyond wrong.” You say bluntly. “But I also can’t deny that, despite all the lies, I didn’t fall for you because I thought you were Sebastian Stan. I fell for you for all the talks we had, the way you look at me like I’m everything to you, the way you’re so sweet and flirty and cute… And that’s still you.”

For the first time in a month, maybe in seven months, Bucky feels like he can actually breathe. Your words are like a balm to his soul, hearing you say that not only you indeed fell in love with him but you fell because of him, because of the glimpses of who he actually is and not who he was pretending to be, that’s all he needs to hope again, hope that you’re coming around.

“I… I really am so sorry for lying to you.” Bucky says quietly, his eyes wide and hopeful. “And… I know I have no right to ask this, but I need to know… Is there any chance you’d consider giving me a second chance?”

“It’ll take some time for me to forgive you.” You say after a pause. “And even longer because I trust you again… But I think I want to give you a second chance.” Bucky can’t help but beam at that, but you’re quick to give him a pointed look.

“Solely on the condition that from here on out you be honest with me. No more lies, no more secrets. Just complete honesty.” You say firmly and, to your surprise, Bucky agrees with no objections. “I promise, I will never lie or keep anything from you ever again.” He says honestly as he takes your hands in his, touching you with his Vibranium hand for the first time without gloves. “Complete honesty… I’ll always tell you everything. I never want to risk losing you ever again.”

You can’t help but melt at that and sit a little closer to him, leaning in and pecking his lips. “For the record… I don’t think you’re a monster or anything. I think you were a victim of very bad things and you’re incredibly strong for having survived that.”

Your soft words make Bucky’s eyes teary again, although this time it’s for a different reason. He can’t hold back anymore and hugs you tightly, relief flooding through him as you don’t push him away but instead hug him back.

There’s still a long way to go before your relationship is fixed, but, right now in his arms, you can feel it– Forgiving him is the right thing to do.

And what are the chances that, if you work out, you invite Sebastian Stan to the wedding, explaining he’s the reason it all happened and thanking him. And he shows up too.

[buggie-eyed]

THERE ARE SPOILERS UP AHEAD FOR NINJAGO DR S3!!!!

This post will be tagged properly, but I placed that warning just to be safe. You have been warned~

Now get ready for my dr s3 notes, in no particular order of importance

- Right off the bat, I love love love Frak. We didn’t get to see his personality on full display in s2, and now that I know what he’s like I freaking love this guy. He’s kind of a dick, but not on purpose, more like in a teenager way. He really reminds me of the early season ninja, when they just said whatever tf they wanted, whenever. With Arin and Sora being pretty sweet most of the time, and Wyldfyre being a little pest but not actually saying anything controversial, I like that an overly opinionated guy got added into the mix.

- with that being said, I really didn’t expect Sora to be given a real love interest, but I don’t hate her and Frak as a possible pairing. Ik people interpreted her as a lesbian but idk pan Sora also works for me. Their dynamic is pretty fun. I like that Lloyd can’t pick up on the fact that they’re bonding and not actually full on arguing.

- PIXAL MY BELOVED IS BACK AND HER EYES ARE OOPY GOOPY AND HUGE!!!!!! WHY ARE THEY SO BIG, IS IT TO SEE HER DARLING HUSBAND WITH?

- Zane being goofy w/Pixal as soon as they reunited was what got me to tear up. That might sound weird but I love love, and their love means so much to me :[

- I didn’t know I needed and Lloyd and Pixal hug until they did it and now I need more Pixal hugs with her friends

- “Wow it’s awesome that Morro got his moment. He’s so epic and noble now, what a guy. I hope we see him again.”

- The second and only other time I cried was because of Arin and Sora’s friendship backstory, and when they hugged again for the first time in ages. God damn the writers didn’t have to make their dynamic and friendship that amazing but they did. They are the definition of platonic love, together until the end. While it’s sad that Sora left with Arin and Ras, it actually makes me so happy that she chose friendship.

- ^^ And now to add on. It was obvious from the start that Ras was lying about Arin’s parents. His non specificity about their deaths cemented it for me, and what shocked me the most wasn’t Jay’s reveal. What shocked me was that Jay instantly knew exactly who the ninja were talking about when they mentioned Arin’s parents. Is his memory really good? (It would be ironic, I know) but if Jay was really managing that many people, for like 7 ish years, the idea that he remembered these people who mean nothing to him right away is so Jay of him.

- NOW FOR JAY. He was really awesome as Rogue. Bro was kind of a beast. He took so many damn hits, yet he was suddenly “really hurt” the minute he was offered a warm and safe place to rest (🥲). I doubt his reluctance to go with the ninja was real and not an act. I think he’s genuinely sad and lost, and then these kind people showed up and he doesn’t know how to react without claiming it’s weird. I’m excited for him to learn to be vulnerable again. That was kind of his whole thing before, wasn’t it?

- I need to know what happened to Zane’s actual body. Is it in the suit? Is it under maintenance somewhere else? Like hello?!?! Imagine transferring bodies and being that chill w/it. It will for sure be addressed (I think)

- I really like that Kai and Nya got so many moments together. They deserve to be with each other, and annoy each other to death after being separated for so long.

- For the people who got sidelined a lot- Wyldfyre and Cole - here is why I don’t mind it too much:

- Wyldfyre was given a boyfriend, and while they like each other a lot, I did think they needed more development. And development is what they’re getting. I also liked seeing Wyldfyre apply her lessons with Kai about remaining calm(ish) when things are looking bad.

- Cole, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen for most of the first half of s3. Why do I not care too much? Because they’re really trying to hammer in the fact that Cole is a family man now, with a responsibility to his husband (yes husband) and his kids. That’s my interpretation, and now I need the writers to commit to a lostshipping kiss :]

- “Well I think that wraps everything up. I’m glad that boss dragon was defeated, so anyways- Oh, is that Morro again? Cool, maybe he’ll get to see the ninja or- wait what’s happe- THAT DRAGON ATE MORRO? He FucKinG ATe hIM WHAT TJE FUCK YOU CANT END IT LIKE TJAT-“

[sheisthinkingormaybesheisnot]

“healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. it means the damage no longer controls you.”

— akshay dubey

today, i had a moment to reflect and i’m genuinely proud of myself. i went through a time where i was depressed that i made someone else my lifeline and acted out of character. when you’re dealing with depression, abandonment issues, grief, and being in a toxic relationship—it rewires your brain. the smallest things start to feel massive, and everything hurts deeper.

when he laid his hands on me with real intent to end my life, it hit me—i had been centering someone who saw my life as disposable, just like i used to feel about my own. that moment shifted everything. i started taking my health seriously again, getting treatment for chronic conditions that got worse because of the stress. it was like a full reset. he pushed me to such a dark place that he wanted me to take my life with him, which only made everything i was going through even worse.

i already knew the relationship was over when his moods shifted. the random anger, irritability, coldness. i knew it when he said cruel things about me early on. i knew it when he told me i should get raped, even though i had already been sexually assaulted before. i knew it when he refused to unfollow those half naked girls, i knew it when he refused to change anything, but expected me to become someone else entirely. i knew it when he admitted he was toxic. i knew it when i found the porn. when people warned me. deep down, i always knew. but i just wanted it to work so badly, so i kept trying until i didn’t.

when he reached out after my hospital stay, i didn’t feel anything. i already knew we were done. even when we spoke during my time in the hospital, it didn’t feel right. i had no desire to continue, especially after he crossed a line that couldn’t be uncrossed. it wasn’t just arguing anymore—it was threats, logging into my accounts, trashing me to his friends, and almost succeeding in taking my life. my injuries were serious enough that i was told if the relationship kept going, i might not survive.

he wasn’t reaching out out of concern—he was doing it to get revenge. he felt like i ruined his life, when he did that on his own. months after the relationship ended, he was still harassing me and my friends, saying anything just to get a reaction, still refusing to take any accountability. instead of letting myself get pulled back in emotionally like i used to, i just let him act a fool and collected my evidence that led to real consequences. the more he kept trying, the more i saw how much i had changed. there weren’t any available buttons he could push, actually any buttons ANYONE could push. i wasn’t stuck in the past, stuck in my pain, or stuck in his orbit. i’d become someone completely different.

i was okay with moving on because the version of me in that relationship wasn’t authentic. i didn’t recognize myself. it brought out the absolute worst in me. i’m not saying i was a good partner—i had a lot to learn. i also know i never could’ve done what he did to someone. i couldn’t ruin someone’s life or push them to that edge. everyone has choices, and i’ve never blamed anyone for mine. if someone had a part in what happened to me, it’s because i let them, and i own that.

one of my biggest flaws is giving too much grace to people who don’t deserve it. i minimized my own pain trying to be fair. i apologized and took accountability when he didn’t. in that, i don’t change the narratives to make myself look better. i’ll always own my role in what went wrong. but the difference between me and him is that i used that accountability to grow. to heal. he used his pain to stay stuck, to lash out, to avoid facing himself. and that’s not my burden to carry anymore.

i’ve accomplished so much in such a short time since i’ve gotten out and to anyone reading this, it gets better, it really does.

[pillow-coded]

To Have and to Hold — Chapter 1

Summary: finding a lost toddler's mother in the library wasn’t how Spencer expected to spend his afternoon. Later, when her mother arrives—panicked, breathless, and beautiful—Spencer starts to forget how to breathe. Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Slow Burn Series (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Brief depiction of a lost child, mild panic from a parent, emotional vulnerability word count: 5.3k

A/N: This is the first work I had the guts to post (genuinely scared lol), slow updates! (so sorry, but uni is killing me), and lastly, English isn't my native language, so please do let me know if i got any grammar mistakes! (also not proofread cause i'm too embarrassed to show any of my friends)

Series Masterlist

Libraries have always been a great comfort for me. It’s a place full of knowledge, warmth, peace. Maybe it’s the smell of old books and how I can easily link that smell to the amiable parts of my childhood.

Those Autumn nights when everything was fine, where my wires were still intact. Mom was doing well back then. She’d read to me those old books she collected from all her years of teaching. That’s how I saw them back then... Old, decrepit books that contained the most fun stories... At least, I found them fun. Like Shakespeare’s Tales Retold – child-friendly versions of Shakespeare’s works.

Nowadays, they’re more than just fond stories or old books. Those books are relics and a memory of when my mother was... well, more lucid.

What I loved most about libraries was the quietness of it all. I spent a couple of hours of my day when I could, basking in the quiet. It was nice not to have to hear the gruesome details of some innocent woman murdered in cold blood.

Days like these only made the quietness feel even better. Soft Autumn day, nearing Winter already. We had just come back from a tough case, children were involved. Thankfully, we managed to get on time.

I had watched that boy while JJ tried to talk to him, trying to understand what had happened to him. He was barefoot, his hair disheveled, and he looked achingly thin. We later found that the boy’s parents held a “discipline ring.” According to his parents, it was a “behavior modification” experiment—one they claimed was “research-backed,” designed to “train” their child into being the perfect prodigy. The boy was denied food, affection, and even basic care when he disobeyed. But worse? The parents live-streamed it all on private forums for a group of like-minded “disciplinarians.”

It didn’t matter that we caught his parents. That the live-stream was shut down. That the others in that so-called “discipline ring” were going to prison. None of it mattered when he looked up at me with those eyes—hollow but obedient. Like love was something he still thought he had to earn.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more than I hated those people.

I’ve done a lot of pretending in my life. Pretended I wasn’t scared. Pretended I wasn’t lonely. Pretended I didn’t want a family of my own. But that boy—he didn’t know how to pretend. He didn’t know how to fake normal. He just waited patiently in that hospital bed for someone to love him back.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, which is why I had decided to come to the library instead of resting after the case like a normal person. I needed a moment of peace, a moment of quiet.

That moment of quietness was rudely interrupted—torn apart by high-pitched, desperate sobbing. I turn to my left, and there's a girl at the end of the long corridor full of bookcases. A tiny one at that, since the whole corridor looked gigantic compared to her.

She couldn’t have been more than five, barely tall enough to brush the second shelf. A statistical outlier in this ocean of silence, suddenly very, very loud. There was something universally gutting about how her tiny fists rubbed at her eyes. Lost children cried in a language everyone understood.

“Are you lost?” I ask hesitantly, not moving from my spot in the corridor. The little girl stops crying for a brief moment. Well, not stop. Her big eyes are still so full of fear and tears, but they open wide to look at me as if she hadn’t been expecting someone to help.

She doesn’t say anything.

Just looks at me—eyes still shimmering, lips trembling, chest stuttering around hiccuped sobs. She’s scared. That much is obvious. But it’s the way she clutches the fabric of her little coat that really gets me. Like it’s the only thing tethering her to the earth right now.

I walk towards her. I'm not close—just close enough to show I’m not a threat. A non-threatening stranger in a cardigan and tie, kneeling among the books like I’m part of the furniture.

She stares, still trembling, still silent.

“It’s okay,” I murmur gently. “I’m not going to come closer unless you want me to. I just want to help.”

Her little hand scrubs clumsily at her cheek. She sniffles, her shoulders curling inward. Still holding it in. Still trying to be brave.

Then, finally—after a moment that feels like something unspooling—she shakes her head. And her voice, when it comes, is a soft, crumpled thing:

“I can’t find my mommy.”

I nod, matching her quietness. “Okay. Thank you for telling me.”

A pause.

“I’ll help you find her, alright? No rush. We can check the kiddie section together. That’s probably where she’ll look first.”

I didn’t offer my hand. It felt like too much for both of us. Instead, I walked beside her, slow and steady, letting the silence settle between us like soft dust. She kept sniffling quietly the whole walk down.

I desperately needed a way to make the little cries stop.

“What's your name, sweetheart?” I asked softly.

She tilted her head back to look up at me—really look this time. She was so small she had to crane her neck to find my eyes. Her expression still carried that flicker of uncertainty, her trust not quite earned yet.

“I’m Spencer.”

She doesn’t answer right away.

Just stares for a second, like she’s still deciding whether I’m safe. Then, in the tiniest voice—barely above a whisper—she says:

“...Maddie.”

Maddie.

I nod, repeating it once under my breath to make it real.

“That’s a beautiful name, Maddie.”

She says nothing, but her fingers curl tighter around the hem of her coat. She’s still scared, but she’s not looking away anymore.

Progress.

I scan the rows of shelves ahead. The kiddie section’s not far now—colorful bean bags, tiny chairs, picture books splayed on wide tables.

“Do you like magic tricks, Maddie?”

She nods her tiny head, her eyes warming up to me at the thought.

I felt something in my stomach… I wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe yearning?

She nods—just once—and I see it. That flicker of trust, like a light turning on behind her eyes. Not quite safety, but something near it.

And something stirs in my stomach.

I don’t know what to call it. It’s not adrenaline, and it’s not fear. Maybe it’s yearning. Not for her, necessarily—but for what she has. What she’s lost. What she’s looking for.

For someone to come back for her.

For someone to call her name.

“Okay… how about I show you some magic tricks while we wait for your mommy to get here? that sound fun, Maddie?”

This time she nods enthusiastically. Her big eyes excited to see what sorcery I had planned to show her.

I dig the pocket of my pants, my movements slow and deliberate. I pull out a simple quarter. It’s nothing special. Just a plain, shiny quarter that for some reason, I’ve held on to for way longer than I should’ve.

“Behold,” I announce, holding it up between two fingers like it’s enchanted. “A perfectly ordinary quarter.”

She leans in, captivated—eyes locked on the coin like it’s something rare. A small smile starts to tug at her cheeks.

“It’s your everyday quarter,” I say, twirling the tiny thing between my fingers, doing my best to keep this unfamiliar girl comforted—as if her calm is the only thing keeping me steady.

“Watch closely.”

I place the coin on my open palm and slowly close my fingers around it. Then, with my free hand, I give the air above my fist a little wave—like I’m stirring something invisible.

“And now… it’s gone.”

I open my hand. Empty.

She gasps.

I see it—the way her mouth falls open, the way her eyes light up like I’ve just rewritten the rules of the universe.

I lean in, just a little. Not too close.

“Huh. That’s strange…” I murmur, pretending to look around her, behind her, above her. “Where could it have gone…?”

And then, with a slow, deliberate motion, I reach behind her ear, and pull the coin free like I just plucked a star from the sky.

Her breath catches. She stares at the quarter in my fingers like it’s a miracle.

“It was behind your ear this whole time,” I whisper, grinning.

She beams at me, her fear momentarily forgotten. Her laughter is soft but real, bright and bubbly and innocent in a way that makes something sharp tug behind my ribs.

“Are you a sorcerer?” She asks, her big, curious eyes staring into my soul, trying to get answers out of me.

I blink, “A sorcerer?”

She nods, completely serious, “like the ones in Harry Potter.”

I chuckle fondly at her question, “Well… I don’t have a broom. Or a wand. Or an Owl.”

“But you made the coin vanish…” She pouts slightly, and although the sight of her minor pout was adorable, I would’ve given anything to see her smile again.

I didn’t know why. Maybe it was the case that had me feeling so fond of a child I just met. Maybe it got all the loose wires within me, all frayed and sparking from things I still hadn’t worked through. But there was something about this moment—this tiny human with tear-streaked cheeks and a Harry Potter reference—that made something ache deep in my chest.

I felt it so sharply it almost hurt.

This... this mattered.

And I hated how much I wanted it—interactions like this. Not just the comfort or the connection but the permanence. The possibility of something that was mine.

Kids of my own.

I glance down at her, still wide-eyed, still waiting for more magic. Her little hands twitch with excitement like she’s ready to believe anything I say.

“Yeah, but it’s only a magic trick, sweetheart,” I murmur, trying to offer the truth gently, without breaking the illusion. Without hurting her feelings.

But maybe I shouldn’t.

Maybe I should let her believe in it a little longer. Let her live in the dream. Give her what I wish someone had given me at that age—a reason to believe in wonder.

So I sigh, dramatically, like I’m about to confess something world-altering.

“Okay… you got me. But you can’t tell anyone, alright?”

She leans in, eyes shining.

“I’m actually a wizard.”

She gasps, delighted. A smile blooms across her face so fast it nearly knocks the air out of me.

“I knew it!” she squeals.

“Yeah, you did,” I grin back. “You’re a smart one, aren’t you?”

She looks like she’s about to burst with thousands of questions. Eyes wide and shining with a special curiosity. I just hope her parent doesn’t murder me for fueling these wizard dreams that she has.

“Are you friends with Harry?”

I try my best to suppress a warm chuckle, but I can’t help the smile that shines through.

“Harry Potter?” She nodded so hard at my response that I worried her head might pop off. “Well… I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s mostly busy these days. But yes, we’ve met.”

She gasped and covered her mouth with her hands, and this time, I couldn’t subdue the fond chuckles that her reactions got out of me.

“Can you show me more magic?”

I smile, helpless to deny her. “Alright. One more, but you gotta sit down for this one.” I say, holding up a finger like I’m laying down a rule neither of us will actually follow.

She hurries to a small chair in the kid tables. Wiggles in place, hands clasped in front of her like she’s bracing for something incredible.

I reach into my pocket again, fingers brushing against the familiar coolness of the coin.

“But you have to pay very close attention, okay? This one’s advanced wizardry.”

She nods like she’s preparing for a test at Hogwarts.

“We have, the very same coin from earlier,” I move the coin to the center of my palm, “But if I place it right here… and you keep your eyes on it…”

I curl my fingers over it, give them a little dramatic wiggle.

“This simple quarter will just…”

Disappear. Or—it’s supposed to.

Everything was going fine. The coin’s in my palm. My fingers close around it. I make the usual gesture—slight misdirection, a practiced flick of the wrist, the classic illusion.

Except this time… something goes wrong. There’s a soft metallic clink followed by—

“Ow!”

Not me. Behind me.

The little girl’s eyes go wide, delighted at first by the trick. But then her head snaps toward the voice—the one behind me, the one that just yelped in surprise.

And just like that… the magic disappears.

“Mommy!” She takes off running.

I stand and turn instinctively, ready to reassure the parent—let her know her daughter’s safe, that I was only trying to help. Maybe even apologize for the quarter that, somehow, made impact.

But then I see her.

And for a moment… I forget what I was about to say.

She’s standing there, breathless, eyes wide with relief, and the softest kind of panic still clinging to her expression. The kind that says she’s been searching—not just through the aisles, but through every possible worst-case scenario in her head.

And yet, despite the tension in her posture, despite the flurry of emotion on her face...

She’s—God, she’s beautiful.

Like something from another lifetime. Light catching in her hair. Autumn caught in her breath.

An angel.

I’ve always thrived on routine. Wake up, brush teeth, get dressed, go fulfill today’s duties… It wasn’t anything exciting, but it was dependable. Familiar.

That all changed when I had her.

My Madelyn.

Now, my mornings depend on a dozen unpredictable factors. Maybe Maddie wakes up before I do and cuts my desperately needed seven hours of sleep short. Maybe she had a nightmare. Maybe she wet the bed. Or—more often than not—she’s just too excited for the day and bursts out of sleep like it’s a celebration.

It’s exhausting.

But she’s my entire world. My sun. My moon. And I’d sacrifice every ounce of sleep or peace of mind a thousand times over if it meant making her life feel safe and full of joy.

Still, we do have one day of the week that rarely breaks pattern.

Saturdays.

Every Saturday, for as long as I can remember, I wake up early, make pancakes, get dressed, and head to the library—the one place where time slows down, where stories open like doorways and the world feels just a little quieter.

Bringing Maddie into that routine was surprisingly easy. I started taking her when she was just two weeks old. I would’ve done it sooner, but I was still figuring things out—how to be a single mother to a newborn. Just surviving those first few days was its own kind of story.

She loves our Saturdays.

Every Saturday morning, once the pancakes are ready, I head to her room—and without fail, she wakes up with the biggest smile.

She always knows it’s Saturday because of the smell. Like clockwork, the scent of warm batter reaches her tiny nose, and her whole body just springs to life. She throws off her covers, races into the kitchen barefoot and beaming, already asking for her syrup before I can even plate the first stack.

This Saturday morning was different.

I should’ve known things would go wrong the moment I decided to step even slightly out of routine.

“Good morning, princess,” I sing, beaming as I step into her bedroom—blueberry pancakes in hand. “Brought you breakfast in bed. Aren’t you a spoiled little princess today?”

Her face lights up like it always does. “Good morning, Mommy!”

She spots the pancakes, and her eyes sparkle. She bounces a little beneath her blankets, already reaching for the plate. “Blueberry?”

I nod, smiling. “Well, I know how much you like them, so I decided to change things up,” I say, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead. “Alright, eat up. The library’s waiting for us.”

She hummed as she ate, little legs swinging off the edge of the bed, syrup smeared near the corner of her mouth. It was such a small thing, but I remember thinking—this is what happiness feels like. A plate of blueberry pancakes and a four-year-old who thinks I hung the stars.

We left a little later than usual.

Just ten minutes. That’s all.

She insisted on picking out her own outfit—a striped shirt and a pink coat—and I let her. Another tiny detour from routine. Nothing dramatic. Nothing dangerous.

The nearest library, which we were used to visiting, was a three-story building. It was old, but they kept it clean. The library had a huge variety of books, from Children’s books to cookbooks.

It was just as it always was. Quiet. Warm. A kind of sacred.

We walked in together. I remember holding the door open while she skipped inside.

I remember telling her—“Stay close, baby.”

she nodding.

And then…Then I blinked. I looked up from the shelves. And she was gone.

I’ve never lost my Maddie before. She’s a curious child, and she loves to wander off on adventures. She probably inherited that from me. This need to find whatever’s glowing. I understand it. We’re moths, both of us. Fragile, flitting things, always blinded by the glow, unaware that it might hurt us.

But I’ve gotten better at spotting the danger.

At least… when it comes to her.

I watch everything. Every step she takes. Every handrail she climbs. Every crack in the sidewalk I gently guide her around. Not even the tiniest fruit fly gets near her without me noticing. I make sure of it. I always make sure.

So how did I miss this?

How—how—did I lose her?

“Maddie?” I called out, trying to keep my voice steady. “Maddie, where are you, sweetheart?”

No reply.

Just silence. Just shelves. Just the sound of someone flipping a page somewhere far away.

I couldn’t see her.

I couldn’t hear her.

Panic bloomed in my chest, sharp and fast. I started moving—too quickly to think, too slowly to matter. I scanned every row, every corner of the first floor, spinning in half-circles, eyes darting, throat dry.

Think. You have to think. Breathe.

I forced myself to stop. Just for a second. Inhaled. Shaky. Exhaled. Useless.

That’s when I saw it.

A sign hanging above the staircase in soft, colorful letters:

Children’s Section – Second Floor.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken stairs that fast in my life.

I practically leapt two steps at a time, nearly tripping—twice—but I didn’t stop. Couldn’t. My heart was pounding too hard, my breath caught somewhere between a prayer and a scream.

As soon as I reached the top, I heard it. Laughter. Soft, bubbling giggles echoing from the back corner of the floor.

Maddie. My sun.

I followed the sound like it was oxygen, rounding the shelves toward the children’s section—and there she was. She was fine. Smiling. Whole. Lit up with joy I hadn’t seen since breakfast.

I was so blinded by the sight of her—so completely caught in the gravity of that relief—that I didn’t see the small, shiny object flying straight at my face.

Thunk.

“Ow!” I yelped, instinctively pressing a hand to my forehead where the coin made impact.

“Mommy!” I blinked, still holding my forehead, and finally looked up to see my daughter running full speed to me.

I dropped my hand and opened my arms just in time, catching her as she flung herself into me.

The force of her little body nearly knocked the breath out of my lungs—and I didn’t care. I clutched her to my chest, my hands smoothing over her hair, her back, her arms—like I needed to physically confirm every part of her was still here.

Still mine.

“I was looking for you,” she mumbled into my shoulder.

“I know, baby,” I whispered. “I know. I’m here.”

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and only then—only then—did I let myself breathe. Let myself relax and look around with a clear mind.

And that’s when I saw him.

A man—tall, gangly, cardigan-ed, and completely mortified. His wide brown eyes darted from the coin in the floor, to my face and back again like he wasn’t sure which deserved more immediate attention.

“I am so sorry, I didn’t—I mean, the coin wasn’t… is your forehead okay?” His voice cracked halfway through the sentence. He reached down and took the quarter in his hands.

He was nervous. The poor thing couldn’t even get a full thought out without stuttering or switching pitch. He looked like a deer caught in headlights—in the most endearing way possible.

I adjusted Maddie in my arms and slowly rose to my feet, brushing a hand over the spot where the coin had hit.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “I’m okay.”

“Mommy, that’s Spencer. He’s a wizard, but you can’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.” Maddie’s little voice cut in, muffled by my shoulder. Her tiny hands clung to my shirt like this secret was sacred. Like this moment mattered.

“Is he now?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

The poor man looked like he was about to spontaneously combust. His cheeks were flushed a deep pink, and he kept shifting like he wanted to disappear behind the nearest bookshelf. He was clearly mortified for making my daughter believe he was an actual wizard.

Meanwhile, Maddie looked like she might explode from sheer joy.

“He did magic, Mommy!” she beamed. “He made the coin disappear! And he’s friends with Harry Potter!”

I looked at him again—this tall, blushing stranger in a cardigan, holding a rogue quarter like it was evidence from a crime scene—and for the first time since the panic hit…

I smiled. No, not just that. I giggled.

“He’s friends with Harry Potter, sweetheart?”

“Yeah!” Maddie chirped, her little head nodding furiously against my shoulder. “He told me so!”

I glanced down at Maddie, still glowing with excitement in my arms, then back at him—this stranger with a guilty expression and a coin pinched nervously between his fingers.

“So you’ve met the famous Harry Potter?” I asked softly, more amused than anything else.

His mouth opened… then closed again. He looked completely out of his depth, like he wasn’t sure whether to defend himself or disappear behind the nearest bookcase.

“I… may have implied we’d met,” he said, almost apologetically. “In a—fictional sense.”

“Fictional,” I repeated, raising an eyebrow.

He nodded, eyes flicking anywhere but at me. “She asked if I knew him, and I just couldn’t say no. Plus, it calmed her down.”

My heart twisted, gently. Of course it did.

I crouched to set Maddie down, brushing a hand over her curls. “Don’t wander off, sweetheart.”

She nodded seriously—too seriously for someone who just believed she’d befriended a wizard—but she stayed put, her wide eyes still bouncing between me and the man standing awkwardly by the bookshelves.

When I stood, he was watching me. Not in a weird way. Just… watching. Like he wasn’t sure if he should say something, or leave before he embarrassed himself further.

I finally broke the silence.

“Thank you,” I said. “For keeping her calm. And for the magic tricks. Even if one of them involved hitting a complete stranger in the face.”

His eyes widened. “Oh my god—yes. I’m really sorry about that. That was not part of the trick. I swear it usually disappears. Like, away from people.”

I smiled again, gentler this time. “I believe you.”

A beat passed.

“You’ve got a very brave little girl.”

My chest squeezed.

“Yeah,” I whispered, looking over at Maddie, who was now spinning slowly in place, humming to herself like nothing had happened.

“She really is.”

I looked back again, and of course—despite being told not to wander—she had already drifted toward the toy shelf, her tiny fingers trailing along the edge of a plastic castle.

Moth. Always drawn to whatever glows.

He hadn’t stopped staring.

He kept looking at me like he wanted to tear me open—not in a violent way, but in that quiet, curious way. Like he needed to understand what made me me. Like he was trying to read my soul the way other people read books.

I hadn’t even noticed—Not until I turned my gaze back to him, and when I did, I nearly forgot how to breathe.

There was something behind his eyes—something searching. Gentle, but sharp. Not the kind of stare meant to intimidate. No, it was worse. It was the kind that saw. Saw too much.

The kind of look that made you feel like maybe you weren’t a collection of masks and moments. Like maybe you were a story he’d just opened to the first page.

It made my skin warm.

I looked away first. Not because it was uncomfortable—But because it wasn’t.

Because I didn’t know what to do with the way he looked at me like that. Like I was worth reading.

“So… she read the Harry Potter series?” he asked, breaking the silence.

His voice jolted me back to reality. I blinked a couple times, trying to shake myself free from whatever trance those hazel eyes had pulled me into.

“Has she read—? No, no. She still struggles a bit with reading. The only books she’s managed on her own so far are Frog and Toad Are Friends and The Tales of Oliver Pig.”

His lips twitched at that, like he was trying not to smile too hard.

“Do you mind me asking… how old is she?”

“She’s turning five in a couple weeks.”

He blinked. “And she’s reading at a first-grade level? That’s impressive.”

I smiled, soft and proud. “She’s always been a quick learner. Loves stories. I think it’s how she makes sense of the world.”

He nodded, like he understood that. Like maybe he did the same.

“So I take it she’s only seen the Harry Potter movies then?” he asked, circling back to his original question.

“Oh—no. I read to her a lot. We actually went through the entire Harry Potter series last summer.”

His eyebrows lifted, impressed. “All seven?”

“All seven,” I nodded. “It took us a few months, but she was completely obsessed. She didn’t want me to put the books down, not even to sleep. Had a million questions. Wanted to know why Harry had to live in the cupboard, how the time-turner worked, what butterbeer tastes like.”

He chuckled softly. “She sounds like someone I would’ve been friends with at her age.”

“You read a lot as a kid?”

He hesitated—not because he didn’t want to answer, but because he seemed to be sorting through too many memories at once.

“Pretty much all I did,” he said eventually. “Books were easier. Made more sense than people did.”

There was something in the way he said it—like it wasn’t just a fun fact, but a truth he’d learned the hard way.

I didn’t push. I just nodded, quietly understanding.

“Maddie’s the same,” I offered. “She talks to books like they talk back.”

He smiled at that. “That’s the best kind of kid.”

I was about to reply—to agree with the praise of my daughter, to maybe say something more—but then she came barreling back toward us, beaming.

“Mommy, Mommy! Look!” She held up a Rapunzel doll.

“Can I have her? Please? She has real brushable hair!” Maddie clutched the box to her chest like she’d just been entrusted with state secrets.

I chuckle, “That’s yarn, sweetie. You can’t brush it.”

“Can I have her? Please, Mommy?”

I looked at him, then at my daughter’s wide, pleading eyes. The panic from earlier was still fading in my bones, but the joy on her face grounded me again.

“Fine,” I said with a knowing smile. “Let’s check her out and ask if she’s ready for a new home.”

Maddie squealed and ran ahead toward the counter.

He straightened, glancing at me with the softest grin.

“She’s something else,” he said.

I met his eyes, the warmth still lingering between us.

“She really is.”

He smiled—soft, sheepish. A little unsure.

There was a pause.

My eyes flicked between him, the floor, and Maddie standing at the counter, rocking on her heels with the raggedy doll held up against her chest.

I didn’t know what it was about him. Maybe it was the way he spoke to her, so tender.

Maybe it was the way he panicked when I first approached them—all flustered and apologetic, tripping over his words like he hadn’t spoken out loud in days.

Maybe it was his eyes—big, toffee-colored, and far too curious. The way he kept looking at me like I was a puzzle he genuinely wanted to solve.

Despite everything in me that usually resisted introducing new people into our lives, I felt it—that pull.

I wanted to know him.

“I should get going,” he said, his voice low, like he didn’t really want to.

I nodded, even though something in me quietly hoped he’d stay just a little longer.

“Of course. Thank you again. For everything.”

He looked down, then back at me, like he was still trying to memorize something.

“It was… nice meeting you. Both of you.”

“It was nice meeting you too.”

He took a step back, then paused.

“I hope she keeps believing in magic,” he said, glancing toward Maddie with something almost wistful in his eyes.

“She will,” I said, smiling. “She has a good reason to.”

He didn’t say anything after that. Just smiled once more—brighter this time—before turning and walking away.

And even though I knew I’d just met him… I wanted to call out after him. Maybe invite him to eat with us, I had the pretense of him keeping my daughter safe. It would be so easy, just go, “hey wait!”

But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Because despite having every reason to call out to him, to try and integrate him into my life, the fear in me always ended up eating my intentions up.

Still. I had a feeling that wouldn’t be the last time I saw him..

I stayed still for a moment, just watching him leave.

It wasn’t until he disappeared from view that I finally moved—walking to the counter where my daughter was waiting, still cradling her new doll like a prize.

“Where did Spencer go?” she asked, as soon as I appeared beside her.

Spencer. So that's his name.

It fit him, somehow. A little old-fashioned, a little too soft around the edges for someone who carried so much weight in his eyes. But now that she’d said it out loud, I couldn’t imagine him being called anything else.

“He had to leave, sweetheart.”

Her little face fell just slightly. “Will we see him again? I want to see more magic.”

I crouched beside her, brushing her hair back behind one ear as I pulled her into my arms. The weight of the day finally caught up to me—settling in my chest like something too big to name.

“Who knows, Maddie,” I murmured, holding her tight. “Maybe someday.”

I pulled back just enough to look her in the eye.

“I need you to promise me something, okay?”

She blinked up at me, her Rapunzel doll dangling loosely from one arm.

“Don’t ever wander off like that again. Spencer was kind, and he kept you safe. But not everyone is like him. You could’ve gotten hurt.”

She nodded, serious now. “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

“I know, baby,” I whispered, holding her again. “I just need you safe.”

“I promise, Mommy.” She murmured.

“Thank you, honey.” I kissed her temple. “Now… let’s buy you this doll and go get something to eat.”

She grinned, her earlier worry forgotten, clutching Rapunzel to her chest like she’d just made a new friend.

We walked out hand-in-hand, the late morning sun spilling through the library doors as they shut behind us.

And even though I told myself it was just another Saturday…

I couldn’t shake the feeling that something else had quietly begun.

[evilminji]

With Talismans, what's the difference between a veil and a helmet with built in gasmask?

Not a damn thing!

Read a one shot, where Shang Qinghua had to wear a veil for plot reasons. And? My brain started to kick in. The world they live in? Is chock FULL of bullshit Aphrodisiacs. Powders and pollens that are fuck or die. Which? One: what happens if you get hit when NO ONE IS AROUND.

And TWO(‽‽‽): The VERY REAL and tragic reality? Is that NOT everyone who stumbles upon one of those poisons? Is gonna be a hot single in your area. TODDLERS like to wander off and pick up The Pretty Flower™ or Poke The Weird Animal™.

They are GOING to get poisoned. It is GOING it hit them harder and faster them an adult, because of their size. And they are GOING to die. There will be little to nothing you can do.

Hell, MOST children are basicly dead upon infection. Assuming it truely is a "Or Die" variety, instead of a "or suffer greatly". The fact that veils aren't STANDARD for prepubesant children? If only to improve their chances of survival? WILDLY irresponsible.

That Veil could be the only difference between a face full of deadly pollen and an inconvenient afternoon in the decontamination baths. With a side of ruined veil. And! Would you RATHER? Lose a pretty bit of fabric? Than, oh, YOUR LIFE!?

Irresponsible!!!

The Mortality and Morbidity rates must be STAGERING. For fucks sake! COVER UP! Nature is deadly! Trust NOTHING! Twenty layers and leave room for the chaperones! HOW ARE ANY OF YOU MOTHER FUCKER STILL ALI-!!!

Which! Brings me! To my New SI-OC~☆ 🎉🎉🎉

She spent her whole first life RUSHING. Go, go, GO! No time for hobbies. No time for frivolous social events. No time for proper rest. Nothing. She died exhausted. Hated it. Regretted it. Was she GOOD at it? Beside the point. (Yes.) She never wants to rush, rush, RUSH, again.

Naturally, she ends up in a family that wants to marry her off as a business arrangement. Lots of work in her future. Expected to be the THIRD wife. Ha ha... how about "NO."

See, her First Father? Always taught her? "They can't MAKE you don't anything. You ALWAYS have a choice. It's just a matter of if you're willing to pay the price for that choice." And? Yeah. Fuck these guys. They wanted Filial Piety? They should have given her someone WORTHY of such loyalty. A FAMILY to be loyal TOO.

Off she goes~ with her shit shoved in a bag she made literally right in front of them, while they weren't paying attention.

Wearing a veil. Not to "hide her identy" or anything. Or "protect her beautiful face" or whatever. But, because? It keeps dust and Suspect Powders out of her face. Coupled with a hat? And she's quite protected from the sun! Nice~

She gets to Cang Qiong Mountain Sect. "Climb the mountain" etc. "Dig a hole". Ppphff. Look at all these idiots and their No Gloves havin asses. Where's your water and support bandages, idiots? You even lift bro?? Did you even ASK workers on the way here about the best way to dig? Bet you didn't.

Work Smart, not hard. Ya Casuals.

(Never Fuckin Again.)

And because I LOVE the PIDM universe? And all the ways it could have gone of the rails with different Transmigrators? It is OG!Shang Qinghua who is standing there, bored and long suffering, when he... "oh~? Oh HO~?" *goes from ( -_-) to ( ◇.◇)* like? What's this~?

Snarky and silently judgemental? Smarter then she let's on? Clearly hiding great talent behind an unassuming appearance? (Projection? Whaaaat? Noooo....) It's like a mini-him.

.......that one. He wants THAT one.

And for once, he's willing to fight about it.

Everyone else chosen by An Ding is like "... oh. Okay, I guess." But SI-OC? *Violent Flashback to The War Her Days Of Endless Work* *squints suspiciously at the An Ding Lord* "mother fucker, you have five seconds to give me a good reason not to run for the hills and try my luck at a different Sect"

"One, I would catch you. I'm far faster. And Two... we have first dibs on all the good shit the Sect gets. Plus Talismans. You can study literally anything you damn well please, unlike the other Peaks."

Hmmmm, she DOES like the idea of Talismans.... *squints suspiciously* you're on thin ice, bribery man. Your convincing arguments will only get you so far, if the work conditions are shit.

And Shang Qinghua is like? "Aw. Is Baby. I bet it bites. You'd rob me blind in the night and run for the hills, wouldn't you~? Wouldn't you~☆? Oh my gods. Is THIS what my Shizun felt? No wonder he put up with me."

Unfortunately...the food is AMAZING. Great perks all around. Because no one respects them, they take the GOOD shit without remorse. Fuck those guys. The work? Lots of hurry up and wait. Plenty of time to study (when CERTAIN Peak Lords aren't TRASHING THEIR PEAKS).

And SI-OC? Finds that traditional meditation doesn't work at first. She's too used to the "YOU HAVE TO BE BUSY" mindset. But? A project? That works! And Talismans can be sown into clothes. It's slow work. Gotta get it just right. Lots of calculations. Lots of paints them on the cloth with specific inks, then sewing with specific threads. Sometimes washing, sometimes not. Occasionally there's beading.

Slow and steady.

From her veils to her inner robes, on out. Using An Ding connections to track down experienced master crafts men, just to trade them her work for some of theirs. Cultivator made Qiankun pouches in sleeves, protections from this and that. Expensive stuff, for an average man. But off course, only the best, for his daughter who is to be wed. And of COURSE, she would supply the materials for him to work with! She understands his time and talent is a valuable thing.

She also sends a wedding gift. Amazing how far being polite and thoughtful can get you. The jewelry is magnificent. Her arrays? Perfectly transcribed. She is a fancy looking TANK and she loves it.

And, yes, as a Disciple, she can only wear so much of her slowly growing hoard of "I AM The Danger apperal". But does that STOP her? Fuck no. Cause what are you gonna do? Police her underwear? Huh? Gonna tell her she can't wear that many underlayers? HUH?

She looks like a gauzy little fairy. Ribbons braided in her hair (they are talisman arrays, each and every one of them). Gauzy three layer veil fluttering delicately in the breeze (it is embroidered within an inch of its life. Hair thin, spider silk, talisman arrays on every millimeter available). Delicate underlayers peaking put at the neck and sleeves, like a flowers bloom (Arrays. It's all coated in arrays. Death to all who would dare, covered by a single over robe).

All topped with tinkling little jewelry.

(Focal anchors. Because some arrays are simply to strong for cloth)

As in with Nature... the brighter and More Lovely? The higher the chance it'll kill you. Especially in this world. And An Ding colors are bright indeed~☆. She's the Peak Lords lil Cabbage. When it all goes to shit? (As he always half assumes it will.) He's planning on picking her up like a sack of potatoes and booking it. Instead of his ORIGINAL plan... of just straight up booking it.

\( ^-^)/ yay! Family! Team "fuck them guys. We out!"

She teaches PIDM Binghe the valuable life lesson of "fuck this guy... I'm out". Cause like? Have you considered? NOT sitting there and taking it? He sucks. To you specifically. This is clearly toxic and not your responsibility to fix. Come to An Ding. Or literally ANY OTHER PEAK. Or a different Sect! You don't owe him SHIT.

And like? Fuck it. You look like that Su Xiyan lady. Maybe Hua Huang will take you in? She was a rock star there. (She says, as though she doesn't know)

Cue said sect Actively On Fire barely five years later when Creepy does as Creepy do. Cue Binghe prob hunting down and releasing Tianlang-jun. Cue "if it weren't for my Shemei, your mountain would be ash" letter sent to the sect leader.

And like? Cue Mobei-jun clearly waffling between "do I want to Kill this threat... or [REDACTED IN DEMONIC] him. He's not loyal to ME... but he's clearly capable. He has a daughter now. I thought he was inherently treacherous. Was going to kill him for that. But if he's just some weirdly Human flavor of Demonic Treacherous? That's... kinda hot. Look how LOYAL he is to his kid. I want that."

5d chess out here in the northern court. As this man tries to parent Qinghua's not-child and he desperately resists the urge to finally stab him.

Just? Everything's a mess and she will NEVER get the peace n quite she longed for. Cheated! Scammed! She should have head west til she hit ocean then boarded a BOAT! This is BULLSHIT D:<

@mayfay @legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @spidori @hdgnj @leftnotright

[blushsturns]

₊˚⊹ there was one thing missing and that was the moment i knew

title: the moment i knew

word count: 1417

warnings: angst, crying, heartbreak, all the sad stuff

And what do you do when the one

Who means the most to you

Is the one who didn't show?

Today was finally the day–your birthday. It only comes once a year, so it should be a special day full of exciting fun and surprises. It was a day that was all about you without the feeling of selfishness. For your birthday, you wanted to have dinner with all of your loved ones–including your boyfriend, Matt.

Things have been rocky between the two of you. You weren’t sure if it was miscommunication, or the fact that he was simply losing feelings for you. You didn’t like to overthink anything, but it was hard not to when the last month all you two have been doing is bickering back and forth so much you weren’t even sure what you were fighting about anymore.

It was almost like he was fighting against you and not for you, and your relationship anymore. You’ve been trying to do everything you possibly could to keep the relationship alive, but nothing seemed to be working. 

He wasn’t coming home as often as usual. You two shared an apartment in the city and when you first moved in, it felt like home. Now? You dreaded going home, feeling the emptiness without Matt there and when he was there, things felt different like you were walking on eggshells in your own home.

Matt was really busy, working on his own project and filming a lot with his brothers and would end up crashing at his brother’s place rather than coming home to you. When he was home, the bickering would ensue and he’d slam the door, leaving you standing there in the middle of the floor with tears spilling down your cheeks. You didn’t get an apology, any effort to fix anything. He’d take the easy way out, by leaving you in the middle of an argument. Sometimes, he’d come back the next day and apologize and act like nothing ever happened, but the wounds you had were still opened and hurt you to the core. 

But to keep him around? You swallowed your pain like you were a brave solider fighting for battle and had no choice but to keep fighting. For yourself, or for your relationship, you weren’t sure at this point.

The week before your birthday, he was out working on his solo project separate from his brothers’ when you asked him if he wanted to come to your birthday party. You felt silly asking–he was your boyfriend. Shouldn’t he already be expected to come considering you should be special to him?

“I’ll be there.” Matt said on the other end of the phone, rustling sounds in the background. “Don’t worry.”

You had let out a soft sigh on the other end, unsure if he could hear it, but didn’t really care whether he did or not. “Matt, are you absolutely sure? It’s just going to be a party with some of our friends and family. I’d love for you to be there.”

“‘I’ll be there.” Matt said on the other end of the phone. “I’ll make sure of it.”

All you could do was take his word for it and believe him. In all honesty, you hadn’t spent much time with him the last couple weeks. He’d come home and pass out on the couch, obviously exhausted from all the work he was putting on himself, but maybe part of it was avoiding you and the issues of the relationship as well.

Here you are now, at your birthday party with all of your loved ones, besides the one who meant the most to you. Christmas lights twinkled around you, music playing throughout the speakers. Quite a decent amount of people were all scattered around the room mingling together in conversation and laughter. 

It was your birthday–your special day, so why didn’t you feel very special? Your loved ones came up to you, pulling you into a hug and making small talk to catch up, but you weren’t too invested in the conversation. Your eyes kept darting back to the front door, hoping to see Matt walk into the party, but each time someone else walked into the door, you were left with utter disappointment.

You were glad your loved ones made it to the party, but Matt still didn’t show. You had sent him several text messages in the last couple hours and hadn’t heard anything back. 

A soft sigh emitted from your lips as you look down at the pretty party dress you bought yourself and the heels to match that complimented your legs. Despite how shitty you felt inside, you never looked better on the outside. Your red lipstick looked amazing, and you got so many compliments on how beautiful you looked. As nice as the compliments were, there was only one person you wanted to impress and so far, they hadn’t shown.

Time is ticking. Before you know it, everyone will be gathered around to sing happy birthday, and you didn’t want to have to do that without Matt. You kept telling yourself there was still time. There was still a possibility that he could walk right into those doors any minute.

As each minute passed, it felt like hours. People came up to you to ask how you were and how things have been. Of course, you put on your best smile and smiled through your lies–you were fine, things were great, everything was going well. All of it was a lie. You weren’t fine, things weren’t great, and nothing was going right.

They asked about Matt–how he was, what he’s been up to, where he was. You didn’t know what to say besides smile through all of the lies you were telling them. 

The speakers began playing one of Matt’s favorite songs and that’s when you felt yourself begin to fall apart. Your eyes began to fill with tears, your body started to tremble, and you could barely even find the right breathing pattern. Your chest ached as you stared at those same doors–hoping he’d show up. 

Your friends noticed you weren’t okay–immediately coming to your side when the tears became visible. Tears spilled down your cheeks as you blinked them away, looking over at your friends and the concerned look on their faces. You tried so hard to keep it inside, to not let those emotions show on the outside. You were always the one with a smile on your face, your personality so bubbly and infectious, but this was affecting you greatly–how could it not? You were always so strong, but you could feel yourself falling apart.

They follow you down the hall to the bathroom and once you step inside, you fall apart. You stand there, tears spilling down your cheeks as you watch your friends try to console you, hugging you and asking you what’s wrong.

After several minutes of choked sobs and your body trembling you were finally able to speak. “He said he’d be here.” You cried out your words, your makeup practically smeared against your cheeks.

Your friends told you things you knew they would like “You deserve better”, “He’s an asshole”, and “I’m so sorry”, but unfortunately nothing they said could take away the aching pain in your chest. It was the first time you actually felt your heart breaking into pieces. 

When you walked back to the party, he still wasn’t there. It was time to sing happy birthday to you and honestly, you weren’t up for it, but everyone else showed up for you, so you had to hold it together for now.

You were the center of attention, the beautiful, towered cake in front of you with candles in it as everyone around you sang happy birthday, but you weren’t smiling, you weren’t happy–far from it.

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you blew out the candles. Of course, you wished for something you knew wouldn’t come true, but you did it anyway.

He should’ve been there. It would’ve made you so damn happy.

The phone call comes in later that night when you’re home alone lying in bed, your heart aching in your chest. You didn’t even bother to take off your dress as you laid there, your makeup smeared all over your cheeks. 

“Matt.” Was all you said as you answered the call.

“Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t make it. I-” 

You cut him off immediately, shaking your head in disbelief even though he couldn’t see you. “Yeah, I’m sorry too.”

And that was the moment you knew. 

You two were over, for good.

notes: i know this was a sad one. i wanted to write some angst and heard this song recently and got inspired. if you have any ideas for me, please send them my way! love you guys. -n

taglist: @strangelife122 @rina3476 @chrissturnioloslvt @sturns-mermaid @matthewsturnsgf @rinahasspots @222wall876 @chris-hallelujah @izzylovesmatt @strniloslvts @sophand4n4 @xclusivedesires @mattsplaything @mattsbunnyxx @pair-of-pantaloons @slutformatt17 @sturnl0ve @pasteldreams @h3arts4harry @marrykisskilled @wh0remikasas @camzeecorner @alesturniolos @emely9274 @2muchofaslvt @sturnslux3 @bowsandsturniolos @moustacherryismyhusband @rcameronlova1 @ivysturnss @headzgonewest @il0vey0um0st @violetstxrniolo777 @bigbeefybitch @courta13 @sofieeeeex @tylerthecreatorsglazr @kittyyyyykats @sturniszn @estellesdoll @freshsturnzx @ivyyyyyysposts @sturnberries @harls-sturn @whore4chris @slvtf0rchr1s @tits4matt @ikyoudreamofme @sophsturns

[phatm0th]

Reader catches Brahms touching himself. They bang!!

Hiii!! It has been a while since i wrote a full fanfic! I’ve been busy with college. I haven’t come across a freaky brahms fic in a while so i figured this would be the lucky post that made it outta the drafts. Anyways yeah, not my best work but im ovulating. What can you expect? This is just gratuitous smut. Sorry. I hope you like it anyway!

As always, reader is written as chubby but all can enjoy! This’ll be posted on ao3 tomorrow night or something.

MDNI! NSFW. 18+

You discovered Brahms all on your own. With your clothes and food from the fridge going missing and creepy bumps in the night and the undeniable, chilling feeling of being watched constantly you were able to put two and two together. You weren’t sure what to do at first but you surmised that his parents weren’t coming back and you were starting to like him and the financial stability so you stayed.

After months of living with him you like to think you made progress with him. He gained a bit of weight because you were cooking him meals fit for an adult man. He became softer, belly hairy with a layer of muscle underneath. He was better about his hygiene, too. He wore clean clothes and showered. His hair had grown a bit longer and it wasn’t greasy and tangled anymore. You convinced him to sleep in an actual bed in an actual bedroom rather than a raw mattress in the fucking walls. He willingly helped with household chores. You showed him some of your hobbies so that he had something to do while you were away or just busy.

Somehow, it worked. It was all so domestic.

One night, you were half asleep as you heard the bedroom door open. You felt a flash of panic, remembering the time before, when you weren’t aware of his existence. “Brahms?” you called, voice thick with sleep. “Can���t sleep,” he said in that small voice. You slowly sat up and patted the bed, inviting him in.

Within the next few minutes he lay beside you, soft snores muffled by his mask. He had never crossed that boundary before. There had been times when he fell asleep in the library while he watched you read, sure. But this was more intimate. You turned your back to Brahms, trying not to stare at his sleeping form.

It wasn’t that you didn’t find Brahms attractive. You did, especially after “fixing” him. There were just so many risks. What if he didn’t like women your size? What if he didn’t like women at all? What if he saw you as a maternal figure, despite you being close in age? If you decided to tell him how you felt, and it wasn’t reciprocated, what would happen? He would clam up. Likely kick you out, or go back into the walls.

You ignored your feelings for him as you did with every other crush and infatuation in your life, and tried to go back to sleep.

You woke up to a sliver of sunlight on your face. You were going to get up and adjust the curtains, planning to go back to sleep for another hour or two, but you found it hard to move. You looked down and saw his large hands wrapped around your soft tummy. You felt his slow, deep breaths against your neck and turned your head to see his peaceful face, sans mask, which you assumed he placed on the nightstand.

You didn’t mind this. You rolled over to face him so the sun wouldn’t be in your face, and went back to sleep.

You were stirred awake again, this time from the bed shaking, just barely. His voice was deep and shaky. You could tell he was trying his best to be quiet but he couldn’t help tiny moans and whines from escaping. His back was turned to you and you saw his hips slowly moving back and forth.

“Brahms?” His hips stilled. He became as quiet as a mouse. “Brahms I know what you were doing.” You felt a powerful throb in between your thick thighs, wondering if you caused him to feel that way.

“Please don’t be mad, I couldn’t help it!” he whined guiltily. “It’s fine Brahms, it’s natural.” You hoped it was because of you, but realistically it was probably just morning wood. You imagined his prudish parents made him ashamed of his body as he grew up. You wanted to reassure him, let him know he was safe with you.

After a few beats of silence he said, “You were just so pretty while you were sleeping.” Your pussy throbbed again. “Look at me Brahms.” He didn’t move. “You can put the mask back on if you need to, but I want you to look at me.” He put his porcelain mask back on and then sat up to face you, head hung in shame. You considered your next words carefully. “I uh, I thought you looked pretty while you slept too. I wanted to do what you were just doing.” He lifted his head and stared at you, his breath quickening. You wished you knew what he was thinking.

“Think you’re pretty all the time,” he said quietly.

Your eyes moved from his masked face to his crotch, where he was still rock hard. “You can touch me, Brahms.” His breath hitched. Tentatively, he placed his hand on your thigh, testing the waters. His fingers stroked across your flesh gently. You held your breath.

Before you knew what was happening you were on your back with him hovering above you, chest rising and falling heavily. His hand hovered above your large breast. “Hm?” he wordlessly asked for permission, too afraid to speak. “Yeah. Yes. Please,” you said.

His warm palm groped you over the fabric of your sleep shirt. He groaned as he watched the fat spill from around his hands. He could feel your nipple harden against him. “Want… I want…” he cut himself off with a shuddering breath. Brahms pulled his mask off and placed it back on the nightstand. “Kiss me, Brahms.” He obeyed, sighing and licking into your mouth.

You knew from the beginning that Brahms was a needy man. In those first few weeks, he would throw tantrums whenever you had to leave. He was clingy. This was something completely different, though. He touched and sniffed and licked every part of you he could reach as if you were going to disappear into thin air.

Brahms ground his sizable cock between your thighs as he buried his face in your neck. You were sure you both could cum like this, but you were needy too.

You said his name gently, trying to get his attention. He either didn’t hear you or didn’t care as he continued to rub himself over your clothed pussy. “Brahms!” you yanked his head back by his hair so you could look him in the eyes. He moaned, the desperation obvious on his face.

“I need more, okay?” He nodded and moved back, eyes fixated on the boxers you slept in. Tentatively, he rubbed you with his hand over the underwear, effectively holding the core of you. He watched a small wet spot form before he pulled the boxers off of you and dropped them to the floor.

“I’m most sensitive here, Brahms,” you grabbed his hand and led it to your swollen clit.

He swiped the bundle of nerves with his thumb, your hips jerking in response. He moved his hand a bit lower to collect some of your wetness. You expected him to rub it onto your clit but he instead brought the hand to his mouth, tasting you.

His breathing deepened as you watched a drop of precum bead at the head of his painfully hard cock through his pants. He grabbed both of your thighs and pushed them further apart, bringing his face closer to your cunt. “You taste so good,” he muttered.

Tentatively, he licked you from hole to clit, savoring the taste again.

He had no finesse, no technique, he didn’t even think to use his hands at all other than to hold your thighs open for him as he devoured you. What he lacked in experience he made up for in enthusiasm. He moaned and whimpered as he ate you out, and ground his cock down into the bed, desperate for some sort of friction. Without warning he moved his hands from your thighs to up under your fat ass, lifting your hips in the air so he could get even closer to your cunt.

He switched from licking into you to sucking on your clit, relishing in your shaky moans. He liked feeling like he was doing a good job.

All of a sudden it was too much, and you felt that familiar coil in your stomach. Your hands shot to his soft hair again and you said, breathless, “Brahms im gonna cum pleasedontstop.” He licked and sucked in every way he knew how, trying his best to get you there. Within seconds you were cumming on his face, pulling his hair just because you needed something to grab. He licked you into over-sensitivity, and didn’t stop until you pushed him away.

He did very well, one of these days you’d have his head between your legs for hours, showing him the best ways to please you.

He sat up on his knees, deciding for himself that he needed his pants off that very moment. His cock bounced as he roughly yanked them down and, Oh. You didn’t know what you were expecting. You caught a few glimpses of it under his pants just now but they didn’t do it justice. You weren’t even sure if it would all fit, especially since you were out practice. But by god, you would try.

You sat up too, but since he was still standing on his knees, your face met his chest. You coaxed hm to take his shirt off, admiring his stocky physique.

“May I touch you, Brahms?” He grabbed your hand and led it directly to the tip of his cock. You wanted to play with his tits, get him off slowly, run your nails up and down his torso, but you felt bad for how long he stayed denied. next time, you thought. Instead, you grabbed his hardness, feeling it throb in your hand. His hips made small, abortive thrusts as you slowly stroked him. You looked up at his face and saw his lips were pressed in a thin line. You could tell he was holding back from fully fucking your fist.

You decided that you both waited long enough, and laid on your back, opening your legs again for him. You pulled his cock towards you, edging him closer to your wet heat. “Please?” he begged, pushing his dick against you. You nodded, unwilling to wait any longer.

He held his cock and slowly guided it inside you. You felt the sting almost immediately. You placed a hand on his stomach, stilling him. He whined. my bratty boy, you thought. “Brahms, you’re very big. If you don’t go inside slowly, it will hurt.” He nodded obediently as he pushed inside, careful to not hurt you. The slow stretch was a bit more pleasurable than it was painful, and all you could think about was how you had never felt this full before.

After a few moments, Brahms bottomed out inside you. He swallowed, waiting on your okay to move. You stared up at his face, brows furrowed and lips pouting. You wondered how long you could keep him here inside you, not allowed to move. A very long time, you imagined.

“You can move now.” He sighed loudly with relief. You probably would’ve laughed if the air hadn’t been punched out of you as soon as he moved. It was gentle and slow, but impossibly deep. You clenched around him involuntarily, he yelped, startled at the sensation. “Oh, I’m sorry sweet boy, I didn’t mean to do that, I couldn’t help it.” You felt him pulse inside you as his breaths came it short, loud puffs. He thrusted his hips again, more powerful this time. It was your turn to yelp then, pleasantly surprised by his roughness.

At first, you thought that perhaps you needed some gentle treatment. It had been a while, after all, and he was the largest you’d ever taken. But something feral and eager in the back of your mind wormed its way to the forefront of your thoughts. You wanted it hard.

“Faster Brahms!” He made a choked off sound, excited at the prospect of getting to drill into you like he always wanted. Brahms followed your command immediately, shifting his position slightly so that he could move easier. The air was getting punched out of you with each thrust. The pudge of his stomach dragged deliciously across your sensitive skin.

“Good boy!” It just sort of slipped out. You hadn’t meant to say it. But the effects were almost immediate. “Hunh?” he moaned, confused and unbelievably turned on. His hips stilled as he stared at you, panting, eyes wild. He grabbed your thighs and pushed them up against your stomach, folding you in half. He leaned over you, impossibly close, both of your shaky breaths mingling with each other. He rubbed himself against your core for a bit. The sound of your slick mixing with his precum was obscene and maddening. Part of you just wanted him to do as he pleased, use your body as his very own fleshlight. But you were waiting for him to beg. At least this time.

“Please can I? I’ll be good,” he asked, voice shaky. What did that even mean in this situation? you wondered. Perhaps what he meant to say was “I’ll make you feel good?” That wasn’t what he said though. He said he’d be good. For you. How could you refuse something like that? You nodded wordlessly, lifting your hips incrementally. He pushed his cock inside you slowly, slowly, wanting to savor every wet and velvety inch of your pussy.

When he finally bottomed out he somehow felt even bigger than he did before with this new angle. It was as if he was in your stomach. In your ribs. In your throat. You felt dizzy. His grip on your chubby thighs tightened as he began thrusting again, starting immediately with a punishing pace. He didn’t pull out very far in this position, unwilling to fully leave your warmth for even a second. It was like he was trying to fuck a baby in you, you thought deliriously. Shit. Where’d that thought come from? It got you dangerously close to cumming and the way he was constantly rubbing against your clit because of your proximity wasn’t fucking helping. You weren’t going to last very long, though you wouldn’t mind being put into a mating press like this for hours at a time.

You needed to cum again. You needed him to cum with you. In you.

You started deliberately clenching around his length, relishing in the way it made his hips stutter and his voice crack. “More, Brahms. Be good for me.” He made a startled sound but didn’t stop his hips for even a moment. He redoubled his efforts, pile driving into you like he hated you. The combined stimulus of his fucking and the sounds of his desperate moans and the vulgar plap plap plap of your hips slamming together and the god damned breeding thing had you teetering over the edge.

You realized then why Brahms hadn’t cum yet. You hadn’t given him permission. You tightly gripped the hair on the back of his head, pulling it so that his ear was right next to your mouth. You licked his ear and felt him shudder. “You fuck me so well, Brahms. Wanna cum now?” He nodded eagerly with his hair still gripped in your palm. The sting of it made him shudder. “Can I? Can I? Can I?” he chanted, making sure to fuck you in the way they you needed. “Cum. Cum in me like the good boy I know you are.” That did it for him. Two more sloppy thrusts and his hips stilled, cock deep inside you. His voice keened as he let out an impossibly large load inside you. You followed close behind, feeling your pussy ripple around him.

You both struggled to catch your breath. Your mind felt foggy and all you could focus on was his comfortable weight on top of you. And the fact that he hadn’t softened, still hard and pulsing inside you.

Yes, you had become addicted to him just that quickly, and he hadn’t softened always been addicted to you.

[1920secretsociety]

Let's talk about the prison scene:

This has always been my favourite scene in Ghostbusters. I know it may seem a bit weird to find this scene amazing but bare with me.

This scene is their most vulnerable moment, they are in a state of limbo at whether they are going to jail or walk free. No one is in control here, they have no idea what's going to happen, meaning we see the true and hidden characteristics of each Ghostbuster.

Egon

Egon mostly proves to be everything we thought. He is logical and intelligent, he seems to be the only one who has done any form of in-depth research on Dana's case. He found the architect's name (Ivo Shandor) and all his history while working full time as a Ghostbuster, inventing their equipment and keeping an eye on the storage facility's data, reinforcing the preconception that Egon is a workaholic and incredibly smart. However, it's also a moment you see a new characteristic - confidence. When Egon tells Venkman, Ray and Winston what is happening, Egon is only expecting them to listen, when everyone else in the cell decides to listen you see that Egon is shocked. It's obvious that he doesn't expect anyone to listen but when he comes to terms with the fact the other prisoners are listening, Egon gains confidence. When stating facts about Shandor, Egon becomes increasingly confident and he even stands up at the end to prove the severity of the situation. This is never seen before as Egon is usually subdued, quiet and rarely ever uses body language, and in this whole scene he is completely different. This shows that Egon has the characteristic of confident and that he can command a presence, which is shown by the fact that everyone starts listening to him. He is a confident individual when it comes to his science and facts, especially when explaining them and this is completely shown here. Egon is not always the reserved scientist we thought, he has confidence but just expresses it differently.

Ray

Ray is shown to be intelligent in multiple different ways. Ray is completely involved in the investigation of Dana's apartment as he does his part of the research and learns the foundation that the architecture is weird, it's a conductor and these are all facts Egon builds on. This shows that Ray is a intelligent individual who gives facts that are as valuable as Egon's, and along with this a different type of intelligence emerges. In this scene, Ray is the only one who realises that Venkman has been lying the whole time about studying. This took a lot of intelligence to work out as you usually trust people, especially ones you have known for a long time and come from a credential background. The fact Ray works it out shows that he has a deep knowledge of his friends, proving that he has amazing intelligence when it comes to understanding people. However, it also shows Ray's bravey. Making an accusation that big could have backfired as Venkman may have become deeply offended, if he actually had studied. Therefore, it shows that Ray is an individual who is intelligent and incredibly brave as questioning people's credentials, could result in a massive argument or a falling out. This whole scene shows that Ray has an amazing perception and intelligence of people as he deduces Venkman's lies immediately and that he has confidence in each of his analysis, as he said that Venkman was lying with full confidence, despite the only legitimate evidence being a feeling.

Winston

Winston is showed to be intelligent and logical. In this scene he seems to be the only one whose genuinely concerned about going to jail, he is the only one who shouts at the guard and tries to get out. The rest are not really bothered, they're more concerned about sharing information on Gozer, but as much as Winston believes in it he understands that the fact being in jail is the more important problem, as they can't stop Gozer if they're locked up. He is also the only one who realises that the reality of Gozer coming is just going to look insane in a court, as to the outside world ghosts are not really considered real. All of this reveals that Winston is intelligent and logical, he is a realist and has an amazing perception of the outside world and social situations. He's as intelligent as Egon but in a completely different way, his intelligence lies in his knowledge of the real world, and this gives him a vital role within Ghostbusters as without Winston's intelligence of the outside world they would have no real idea of how to navigate it.

Venkman

Venkman is shown to be helpful and caring. After Egon is finished explaining that Gozer is coming back all the prisoners are still around him. This would make Egon uneasy as he hates social situations and he has no more science or facts to make him feel confident as he's finished explaining. Venkman knows how uneasy Egon is and helps as he starts singing. He does this to draw attention away from Egon and while singing he forces everyone back, and he keeps going they are all far away from Egon. It's a small thing but it shows how much he really does care about Egon and all of the Ghostbusters. Venkman obviously understands them all on a deep level as it took him about a second to realise that Egon was uncomfortable. This all shows that despite all his faults Venkman is helpful and more importantly caring, he will do anything to insure that the rest of the his colleagues are happy and secure, even if it means embarrassing himself.

This is why I absolutely love this scene. We see glimpses of their personalities that we never see in any other situation. It's the most honest they all are, it shows their character development and more importantly gives us all a million more reasons to love them.

[annarobszombies]

My eating disorder has been rearing its ugly head, so have this thing I wrote to distract myself from feeling sick while I put myself back together a little.

Note and Warning: This is solely my experience with something of this nature, Eating Disorders can show in all kinds of different ways

Xeno glances at his watch, a frown pressing into his face. It was rare that he was the one ready to eat first. Usually, it's you who comes and drags him away from his work for a meal. But today, something was off.

Actually, something has been off for a few days now.

Three meals a day had fallen to two, an almost absurd amount of time passing between your breakfast and dinner. He'd been a little concerned, but hadn't thought much else about it. You both were busy, it was expected that schedules would change.

But then weren't eating at all.

No breakfast, no lunch, no dinner, not even little snacks. All the food the two of you kept has been untouched by you for two days.

Now, Xeno was worried.

Were you ill? Had he missed something?

He pushes away from his workstation, scanning the room that was otherwise empty of people, wondering if maybe you were waiting for him and he just hadn't noticed you. But no, he was definitely alone.

The sun had fallen some time ago, leaving the colony to be lit by artificial light and the soft glow of the moon above.

He asks Luna and her two young devotees as he passes them if they'd seen you all day. Luna confirms that you'd been out and about as normal, commenting that you looked at bit rough, though in that same breath, she claims that you'd insisted you were fine.

He thanks them, and continues on, moving a little faster now.

He should have been more mindful, should have paid more attention. You were in bad enough shape that others had noticed, yet it had slipped right past him. What a fool he was to neglect you in this way.

He pushes his way into your shared living quarters, calling your name as he does.

"Welcome home!" You're absolutely beaming at him when he turns the corner to find you curled on the small makeshift sofa. You hop to your feet and meet him partway as he lurches to reach you.

"Are you alright?" He asks, taking your face in his hands, trying not to grimace at what he sees.

You did indeed look rough.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," You say, tone a little confused.

"Good," He says. "Are...you hungry?"

There's a pause, a flicker of something in your eyes.

"No, not really."

Surely, that was a lie. There was no way you'd eaten recently at all, not with how haggard you looked, or how your body was shaking.

"When was the last time you ate?" He asks.

You avert your eyes, gaze flitting around to look at everything else but him. Guilt presses into your face.

"I had some water earlier," You say.

"Water is not food, my love," He says. "When was the last time you had food?"

Another long pause. It makes his chest ache at how long it takes you to answer a question that should not be this hard.

"I dunno."

That wasn't good. That wasn't good at all. The human body couldn't sustain itself without proper nutrition.

His mind starts racing, searching for numbers, reports, and facts that he could use to figure out what was happening to you.

The colony wasn't lacking on food. There were plenty of cows and corn and other things they'd been growing. If something had gone wrong in that department, he'd have known a long time ago.

So then, were you choosing not to eat? But why? Was it an image issue? A health problem you hadn't disclosed? A mental disorder? All of the above?

"Xee?"

If his calculations were correct, you likely hadn't eaten anything in at least a day, if not two. A full meal would cause you to be ill. So what was the best way to go about this?

"Xee!"

Something small, first. Finger foods. Something you could eat one or two of at a time.

"Xeno!"

He'd have to monitor you. Perhaps he should take the day tomorrow to help you reorient your body before you passed out and got hurt. The colony would survive without him for a short while. You were far more important.

"Xeno Wingfield!"

He snaps back into focus, zeroing in on you instantly. He could almost laugh at how you looked like the worried one.

"My love," He says. "I'm concerned about you."

"I'm alright, Xee, really."

How could you look so calm? How could you act like this was of no consequence? He couldn't understand it.

"How often do you starve yourself?" He asks. "How has it gone past my notice for so long?"

"I..." You hesitate, looking away from him. A large part of him wants to get angry, to demand your answer faster. But he couldn't do that to you, not when you were clearly already having a hard time.

His poor darling, he just wished you'd said something.

"I was getting better," You finally say.

"So this is some kind of relapse?" He asks.

"I guess? It's kind of hard to explain."

"Please try. The more I understand the better I can help you," He presses his lips to your forehead, hoping his small act of affection works as the encouragement he intended.

"It's started in high school. You remember what it was like back then. Everyone was mean and judgemental, and I didn't feel like I was enough. So I stopped eating, for a really long time. And no one helped me. My parents missed it, my siblings missed it, my friends missed it, I was totally on my own."

You sigh, rubbing your eyes, then continue.

"I was sick a lot because of it, and I think that's what finally shook me out of it a little bit. I was tired of being ill and exhausted and miserable all the time."

"Did you get treatment?" He asks, fearing he already knew the answer.

"Xee, come on, you met my parents before we were all petrified. What do you think?" You say it with a laugh, but neither of you really think it's funny.

He kisses you again, just under your eye. He didn't know what else to do, or what else to say. He just wanted you to know that you were cared for in this moment.

"Anyway," You say. "I eventually got things back in decent order, but I guess...I'm sliding back down the metaphorical hill."

"It's alright, my love. Slide as far as you need, I'm here to help you regain lost ground," He says, pressing a few more featherlight kisses to your face before pulling you close to hold you in his arms.

There are no tears as he holds you, no sniffles or weepy words. You seem so utterly numb to the situation, that he's certain this isn't the first time it's happened.

"Let's have dinner," He says. "And tomorrow, we'll spend the day together."

"I can't just have a whole meal, Xee. I'll get sick."

Ah. He was indeed right in thinking this wasn't your first rodeo with relapsing into your disorder.

"I know, my darling. I'll make you something small and easy to digest for tonight. We'll work together on returning you to eating full meals over the next couple of days," He says, already making mental checklists and plans for the future.

He'd have to get Stanley involved. He'd need his trusted friend to look after things while Xeno took the day off tomorrow. Stanley would also be the perfect person to have keep an eye on you, to make sure you were making progress. He'd tell Xeno the moment you needed aid.

There was a worry of embarassing you, though. So perhaps he'd bring up that possibility later. For now, you needed food, more water, and rest.

[changingplumbob]

Day thirteen - Jerry group part 2/2

@berrysims-lp, @cawthorntales, @fallin4fiction, @invisiblequeen, @matchalovertrait, @simstagramsomeone

Yasmine: Wow! I was confident even though I really didn't expect to win, but I'm really happy to get more time getting to know Deanna

Jerrica: *squeals* Yes!!! I can't believe I won. But now I guess that means I have to go on the date?

Yasmine: Yeah....

Jerrica: I am super happy! It's just... the excitement is making me nervous. And not the cute bumbling romantic nervous, the "I might throw up on you" nervous

Yasmine: Take deep breaths, you'll be fine

Solo dates were two hours long. Deanna arranged for a beach trip and made some ice cream as a snack. She then did one friendly and one romantic interaction. The rest of the date was whatever happened autonomously.

Yasmine is happy to be at the beach and keen to comb for trash! But sadly you can't beachcomb while eating ice cream so they'll have to start with talking and listening to some alternative music.

Deanna: When you were a kid did you enjoy school?

Yasmine: I didn’t like having to sit still and being holed up inside, so I didn't enjoy school. The only thing I enjoyed about it was recess

Deanna: *laughing* You wouldn't be alone in that view I'm sure

Deanna: Did you have a dream job as a kid?

Yasmine: I wanted to be a superhero, but since I couldn’t be that, a spy was the closest thing. I wanted to save the world

Deanna: Aww that's so sweet. Makes mine sound stupid. I kind of wanted to be a pirate

Yasmine: *laughs* I like that. Pirates could be outside all the time and be dirty while also discovering new places and treasures with their friends

Deanna: You know you are so right

Deanna: So I have a bunch of weird childhood memories. How about you?

Yasmine: I had a pet fruit fly named Frances and I cried when they passed away. Who knew fruit flies had such short lifespans? Not me at the time, but they taught me to enjoy what time on earth I have left

Deanna: That went from odd to tragic to sweet

Yasmine: *laughing* I'm the full experience

Jerrica is ambivalent about the beach. While it might be good to sit and read she's still nervous. The brain freeze from the ice cream doesn't help... but the fact that Deanna also likes hip hop music might!

Deanna: I would not have guessed you liked hip hop

Jerrica: *straight face* My wardrobe doesn't scream hip hop? I knew I shouldn't have left all my gold chains at home

Awkward silence before the pair burst into laughter.

Jerrica: Okay okay but hip hop is basically poetry set to music. I'm a bookworm, of course I'm going to love that

Deanna: When you were a kid did you enjoy school?

Jerrica: Yes, I enjoyed reading stories and lunch most

Deanna: Did you have a dream job as a kid?

Jerrica: I wanted to be president of the country, until I realized how much work that would take

Deanna: I don't know... Some presidents nowadays delegate a heck of a lot

Jerrica: Maybe, but not the good ones. I scaled back a little after that

Deanna: Alright now don't laugh but... I may have wanted to be a pirate

Jerrica: Pirates are cool, although I'm not sure how you could write that on a resume? Deanna York, fearsome captain and epic swashbuckler

Deanna: Deanna York, here to steal your booty

The pair erupted into laughter again.

Jerrica: My favorite memory is my 12th birthday. My brother and I had a joint birthday party and had so many friends there to play games. We had a huge chocolate cake, and I got a new bike. It was such a fun carefree day

Deanna: I love that you could still have good birthdays as a twin

Jerrica: *smiles* They weren't all great but 12 was a special one

Deanna: What are you doing?

Jerrica: Now that the others aren't around I want to see if I can do a sit up. How hard can they be

Deanna: Please don't hurt yourself, it's not worth it

When everyone was back at the villa contestants had three hours of skill gaining time. Room doors were locked and autonomy turned off to give everyone a fair go.

Logic was the top choice for skill time! Quetzalli, Cassiel and Jerrica all chose to study up. Harmony and Yasmine both opted for comedy, Harmony researched jokes online while Yasmine read a comedy book. Posy decided it was maybe time she worked on her charisma.

Devin: Spill, how were the dates

Deanna: Nice. I am glad Yasmine didn't rope me into combing for trash the whole time

Devin: And what about Jerrica? A little birdy told me you seemed smitten

Deanna: *blushes* Yes I'm a bit smitten

Devin (voiceover): And how do you feel about that date?

Jerrica (voiceover): *blushes and smiles* I didn't need to be so nervous, she's wonderful

Devin (voiceover): Would you say you feel smitten after that date

Jerrica (voiceover): *looks down bashfully* Smitten and deeper in love, all the things

When skill time was over room doors were unlocked, autonomy was put back to full, and contestants were instructed to eat dinner. Needs decay had been on the whole day. Deanna was not instructed to talk to anyone so interactions happened autonomously, she was also locked out of rooms so she would be available for contestants to interact with.

While everyone began to sit at the large table once Harmony appeared Deanna stood up so she could talk to her. While the rest of the contestants bonded over the meal Deanna and Harmony sat at the kitchen island to chat.

It was a long day but Posy was determined to get some time talking to Deanna before it was all finished. Sleep claimed the rest of the household fast, Jerrica once again napping in the pool and Harmony crashing on a sofa before she could reach a bedroom.

[naughtyneganjdm]

Christmas in Jackson - Chapter 14

Summary: Worried about Joel, Y/N spends the night at Tommy and Maria's home until morning when she rushes to see Joel. Nothing is what she expects it to be when her and Joel finally connect again with Joel making a big decision about their future.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Tommy, Ellie, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61159651/chapters/166593595

Warnings: Swearing, Pretty Severe Angst, Joel Being Mean, Depression, etc.

Notes: I'm finishing a Christmas story in April. Oops. That's what happens when you work and go to classes full time. Sorry about that! This is the second to last chapter. Just have to edit the last and then I'm done! Thanks to anyone that still reads this! If you'd like to read previous chapters, check them out here.

“You should just come back to the house with me,” Tommy rumbled from behind Y/N as he followed her up the stairs of the inn to her suite. Stroking his fingers at the back of his head, he sighed loudly and continued to drag his feet. The last few hours had been miserable for both of them. Originally, they both stayed at Joel’s trying to get him out of his room after he locked himself in. But? Joel was insistent and stubborn. Tonight he made it clear that he didn’t want to see anyone and he wanted to be alone. So they gave him that. Even against better judgement and lack of wanting to do so, Y/N left. What he said to her last stuck with her hard. Of course she loved him. Repeatedly she told him that she would do anything to make him happy, but she didn’t think this was actually doing that. “We can set up the guest room for you and you can just stay there until Joel gets over whatever this is.”

“Maria’s family and a lot of people are still there Tommy,” she reasoned with Joel’s brother, stopping at the door to her room. An overwhelming ache lingered in her chest and she hated it. Right now she felt guilt. This wasn’t her fault, but she hated to see Joel so emotional about his past and his life. “I feel like that would be incredibly awkward.”

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Tommy reasoned with her as she pushed open the door to her room. Standing outside the room, he watched her as she unhurriedly moved into the sitting area. Waving him forward, Tommy decided to follow her in and closed the door behind him. “You’re not thinkin’ of runnin’ away, are you?”

“Why would I do that?” she questioned, dropping down onto the couch and staring up at Tommy with a confused expression. Tommy shifted on his feet uneasily, clearly thinking about the things from earlier.

“That was a lot to throw on you,” he reasoned with her, having a hard time looking her in the eye. “About what I did, what Joel went through…the dark stuff he got into after. I reckon a lot of people would be packing.”

“Does it look like I’m doing that?” she held her hand up in the air motioning him to take a look around and he shook his head once. “Then don’t worry about it Tommy. My life could have gone down a very dark path if I let it go that way. I have no room to judge you or Joel. In fact? If I was put in your situation? Or Joel’s? I would have done something much worse, much sooner.”

Inhaling sharply, Tommy ran his hand down over the front of his face and moved forward to drop down on the couch beside Y/N. Silence surrounded them for a few with him swallowing down hard by the time he finally started talking again, “I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. Things I can never make up for. And instead of letting me go down as the bad one, Joel has allowed himself to hold that title. My brother has a big temper when the right person ignites it and he’s done things, but he’s never been the bad one. In fact, he’s always been the one givin’ up his own life to please others. To take care of the people he loves. My brother ain’t ever live his life for himself. You were the first time I started seein’ somethin’ in him I never had.”

“It’s sad how much Joel and I are alike,” she recalled all of his feelings and emotions. Those were the same things she felt when she lost her parents. And it stuck with her most of her life. Ruining her own wellbeing to this day. Losing a child? That was something she could never imagine. “I wish he wouldn’t have pushed me away.”

“It’s his defense mechanism,” Tommy explained to her, releasing a long sigh. “Before Sarah, he was the opposite. You couldn’t get rid of him, but after Sarah? He just shut this part of him down. It’s his way of protecting the people he cares about. If he does it on his own, no one else can get hurt. But it’s also his way of makin’ sure that he has no one he has to love like he did her. If he doesn’t care about other people? Then he can’t get hurt again.”

What could she say in this moment? These were things she knew about Joel and it worried her that he wouldn’t let her in today. Usually she was able to calm him and comfort him. Without her? She wasn’t sure the kind of mental state Joel was in right now. And she was worried about him.

“I blame myself for the way that he is. I should have never abandoned him after he took the fall for killin’ that son of a bitch,” Tommy addressed something that he had spoken about when he confessed to her the truth about everything with Joel and Sarah. “He was just so angry and sad. Half the time, he blamed me for what happened and he was right. It was my fault. If I could have just controlled myself, if I could have stopped gettin’ in so much trouble, Sarah wouldn’t have been out there that night waitin’ for me. She would have been with her dad. And she’d still be here. I just couldn’t take the guilt anymore when I saw Joel. He was hurtin’ himself and he was doin’ things I couldn’t stand by. Not anymore. So I ran away. And it saved my life comin’ here, but I think I ruined his.”

“He loves you,” she knew that she couldn’t give her opinion of the situation because it was ultimately none of her business. It was nice that both Joel and Tommy trusted her enough to tell her these things. But she wasn’t involved in their family. She only just learned these things. “Your brother would be lost without you. That’s why he’s here. That’s why he lost himself. You steady him. You are the one thing that makes him remember who he is…who he was before all of this happened to him. So no matter what you think, you need to recognize that you save your brother every day just by being there for him. All of what happened in the past? In my opinion, it wasn’t your fault or his. And you both handled it better than I would have. What you did may have felt wrong morally, but you saved your brother’s life. That’s what matters most.”

It was rough for Tommy, but she could tell that he was emotional. Outstretching her hand, she curled her fingers around the back of his neck and led him to her so she could give him a supportive hug. Holding him tight, she could hear his breathing broken and felt him tremoring in her grasps.

“One thing none of us know how to do is forgive ourselves,” she whispered, her fingers stroking against the back of Tommy’s neck realizing that she was closer to the Miller family than most people she had known for a very long time. “And we will never move on if we always let our pasts destroy our inner peace.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy pulled back and away from her reaching up to wipe at the dampness over his face. “You barely know us and you have had to deal with so much over the last week.”

“I’d say I know you all very well,” she hushed him, shaking her head since he was visibly embarrassed. “I wouldn’t worry about it Tommy. Nothing you said today is going to leave my mouth. You and Joel allowed me into a very personal moment in your lives and that’s where it is going to stay. Between the three of us. I’m going to tell you what I told him, my opinion of you hasn’t changed because of your past. I promise you.”

“Just come back to the house,” Tommy stressed to her one more time, biting down on his bottom lip with her resting her head back against the couch. “I know most people will be gone by the time we get back. You’re family and you belong with us. Not here alone. Don’t be like Joel right now.”

“You had to pull that on me,” she frowned, huffing out with her head tipping toward Tommy. His big brown eyes were locked on hers and she sighed loudly. “What good am I there, Tommy? Joel doesn’t want me to come back to the house until tomorrow. I’m not going to be able to sleep.”

“Then we’ll sit together and talk,” he declared, standing up from the couch and holding his hand out toward hers. “Come on.”

What seemed like a good idea at first in going back with Tommy turned out to be a very uncomfortable night for Y/N. When they got back to the house, Maria’s father was still there and he spent a significantly long time apologizing for bringing Seth over. Multiple times Maria’s father insisted that they should get a doctor to make sure she was okay after Seth had hit her, obviously forgetting that she was a doctor herself. While it was comforting in a sense to know that Maria’s father realized the mistake he made in inviting Seth over, the damage was already kind of done. But knowing that it was Maria’s father? Y/N did her best to be respectful.

Really, she just stayed the night hoping that Joel would call her or text her back. She’d find herself drifting toward one of the windows staring out at the window that led to Joel’s bedroom wondering what he was doing and how he was. More than anything she wanted to go over there. But she didn’t know what was right or wrong in this situation. Joel shouldn’t have been alone. That was something both her and Tommy agreed with, but he forced them out. And she wished he didn’t.

Multiple times during the night, both Tommy and Maria came to check in on her. Talk to her a little bit about things. Tommy was still emotional about what he had told her, but this wasn’t about him and he was doing the best he could to be as neutral as possible.

By morning, she had talked more to Tommy than she ever thought possible. It was safe to say that she was probably closer to Joel’s brother than she was most people she had known her whole life. Even though it was nice to have that, all she could think about was Joel. How she wanted to go over there as soon as she could. Joel assured her that she could come back in the morning, so she wanted to get back to him as soon as possible.

Even though having the company was nice, the time spent away from Joel was miserable. It scared her to think what kind of state Joel was in considering she knew what he was like when he would push her away before. But unlike the other times, he actually refused to allow her to be with him to help him work through things.

Truthfully? She left Tommy’s home quite early. Before Tommy or Maria was even up. It was morning. The sun was rising. It should have been good enough for Joel. Grabbing her things, she was quick to leave the house and head across the street to Joel’s place.

Standing at Joel’s door, Y/N felt her heart hammering inside of her chest. More than anything she hoped that he was honest when he told her that he wouldn’t hurt himself. Even though Joel had made that promise to her, she still knew what Joel was capable of with everything she learned. And that was a fear that had her scared.

Stepping forward, she rang the doorbell. It felt like the world was spinning around her. Not having him coming to the door had her in a state of panic. Fear was gnawing away at her. A few thoughts were running through her mind if Joel didn’t answer the door. She could force her way in alone or she could run back across the street to grab Tommy. Thankfully her fears were soon muted when she heard the sounds of footsteps approaching the door.

A breath of relief fell from her throat when the door opened revealing Joel from behind it. By the time the door was open enough for her to push forward, she did. Wrapping her arms firmly around Joel’s shoulders visibly showing that she was worried about him. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t emotional at the sight of him. All night long, all she could think about was the worst-case scenario. That fear that Joel would hurt himself lingered. There was no questioning that he could tell that he scared her with how tightly she was holding onto him.

“I’m so sorry Joel. I should have never left last night,” she apologized in a breathless whisper, pressing a loving kiss against the side of his face. One noticeable thing though was that Joel wasn’t hugging her back. He was just allowing her to hug him. Leaning back, she brushed her fingers through Joel’s messy hair noticing something different in his dark eyes with the way that he was staring out at her. It looked like he hadn’t slept at all either. In fact? He was still wearing the clothes he was in yesterday. The lines in his face were deep and he looked miserable. “I should have been here…”

“Y/N,” Joel breathed out, frowning when her hand pressed in over the side of his face. Gazing over him, she was checking him to make sure that he was okay. Grabbing onto her shoulders, Joel forced her to look at him. “We need to talk.”

“Yeah, of course,” she agreed, moving away from him. Stepping aside, Joel allowed her room to walk into the house. 

Going into the house, she waited for Joel while he closed the door. Right now he looked pale, almost like he was sick. And that had her worried too. When he turned to face her, there was a lack of eye contact. Something about his body language told her that he was uncomfortable with him shoving his hands into his pockets. Rocking back and forth on his feet, Joel swallowed down hard and his lips parted. It looked like he was going to say something, but then nothing came out. For a moment, his eyes met hers and he nodded over toward the couch. Moving around Y/N, he heard her following him not far behind. When he reached the living room, he motioned her to take a seat. Instead of sitting, she stayed standing and he could tell that she wasn’t sure what to do.

“Please, just sit,” Joel ordered taking note of the discomfort in her body when she lowered down onto the edge of the couch. Looking up at him with her worried expression had a breath catching in Joel’s throat. “I have something for you.”

“Okay?” her eyebrow arched, unsure of where this was going with Joel heading into the kitchen. Silence was surrounding them and this wasn’t how she thought things would be. Heading back into the living room, Joel had something in his hand and when he held it out toward her, she gave him an odd glance. Waving it about, she finally realized that it was an envelope and it provoked her to swallow down hard. “Go ahead. Take it.”

“What is this?” she finally accepted the envelope that he was desperate for her to take. Evidently, he wanted her to open it. Doing as he wanted, she slowly opened it up. Taking out what was inside, she finally gazed upon what he had given her. A plane ticket to return home. And the flight? It was scheduled for later in the evening. An ache grew at the center of her chest when she lowered the ticket down, looking up at Joel with confusion in her eyes. “Joel?”

Instead of responding, Joel shoved his hands back into his pockets. Dropping his head, there was a muscle at the corner of his jaw that flexed and his breathing grew louder, “Do you want a break from Jackson? I wouldn’t blame you if that was the case. I think a trip to New York would be good for you. You could see my place. Get things off your mind for a little while. We could…”

“No,” he interrupted her, shaking his head before she could go on any further. With his tone, she could tell that his voice was breaking. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere Y/N.”

Even though she didn’t mean for it to happen, a nervous laugh fell from her lips. Shifting forward on the couch, she tipped her head to the side. Still, Joel refused to look at her and she cleared her throat, “What do you mean Joel?”

“I mean I’m not leaving Jackson, you are,” Joel stressed to her, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat as he spoke. “I spoke to someone at the airport. They managed to get that for me. It’s a direct flight from here to New Jersey for you. I pulled some strings to get it for you.”

“Let me guess,” she exhaled loudly, setting the airplane ticket down on the coffee table when she realized where this was going. “Another IOU?”

“Something like that,” Joel nodded his head, finally looking at her. His expression was cold and she knew where this was headed. And she didn’t like it.

“I’m not going home Joel,” she declared, shaking her head in disbelief that he would even think she would be okay with this to begin with. “After everything that happened? I think you need me to be here right now. I want to be with you before I even consider going back home to work on things.”

“No, you’re not understanding,” he grunted, shaking his head defiantly. “You don’t have a choice. You’re getting on that plane whether you want to or not. You’re not welcome here anymore.”

“What?” she blurt out, her face twisting with confusion. Suddenly, his expression grew harder with his eyebrows bouncing up. There seemed to be some sort of anger with her not understanding. “You’re not making any sense.”

“You’re not welcome here anymore,” he repeated what he had said previously, throwing his hands up in the air like it was supposed to make sense to her. “I cancelled your stay at the inn. You have to be out an hour before the flight.”

“What’s going on?” she stood up from the couch, taking one step forward, but when she did? He took one step back and held his hands up in the air. “What is this? You can’t cancel my stay at the inn.”

“I’m the co-owner, I can do whatever I want,” he grumbled under his breath, his eyebrows furrowing with his southern drawl growing deeper. “I also banned you from ever coming back. You’re not welcome there anymore. Even if you wanted to, your name is on a ban list. And you can’t stay here. You’re goin’ home tonight. Whether you like it or not.”

“You banned me?” she quipped back, her throat tightening up finally catching up with what was going on. “Listen, I know last night was very emotional for you. I do. I gave you the space that you wanted, but…”

“But nothing,” Joel snapped, surprising her when his voice grew angrier. The wrinkle at the bridge of his nose grew deeper, his head shaking when he started to speak up again. “I already made up my mind. It’s final and when you talk, you just…you confuse me. With your psychobabble bullshit.”

“My what?” she felt a lump growing in her throat with the things that he was saying to her. “I confuse you how? By being supportive and trying to help you through things? Listen Joel, I don’t want to fight with you because I know yesterday was rough. I’m trying to be understanding here, but you don’t have to do this again. You don’t have to take shit out on me because you’re upset. I’m here to help you, not to make things worse because…”

“You’re not understanding,” his voice grew louder as he held his hands up in the air to get her to stop talking. “I recognize that I made you feel things in your time being here. I gave you promises. I said things to you, things that I can’t follow through on. Okay? I want you to go home. I don’t want you here anymore.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she reasoned with him, folding her arms out in front of her chest. Her heart was hammering noticing the way the veins at the side of Joel’s neck bulged. “What did I do wrong? I gave you the space when you asked for it. I didn’t force myself on you. I listened to you when you told me to leave. I know I should have stayed last night, but…”

“I just don’t want you here anymore Y/N!” Joel yelled at her, surprising her with the volume and the tone. Irritation was layered in his voice causing color to flush into her cheeks with the way that he was talking to her. “I don’t want you to come back to the inn. I don’t want you to come back to Jackson. I don’t want to see you again. Do you understand me? It’s not that hard.”

“Why are you acting like this?” she didn’t know how to respond, wishing she wasn’t getting emotional in the moment with the way that Joel was treating her, but she was. “It doesn’t have to be like this Joel. We went from talking about moving in together, to this? You wanted me to move to Jackson to be with you, but now you don’t want me anywhere near you?”

“It’s just…” he paused, biting down on his bottom lip. Visibly, he was breathing heavily, forcing himself not to look at her. Shrugging his shoulders, he dragged his foot across the floor and sighed loudly. “We’re a mistake Y/N. I thought about things last night and I realized how fucked up this whole thing between us actually is. We’ve known each other a little over a week. And we’re making plans for you to quit your job, move out here and move in with me? It’s crazy. What we want? What you want from me? It’s not obtainable.” 

“I thought we didn’t care if we were crazy,” she reminded him of what she had said eliciting a scoff from Joel making him roll his eyes. “Now we’re suddenly a mistake?”

Outstretching her hand, she tried to touch him, but it only had him recoiling further away from her hinting that he didn’t want her near him, “Yesterday you were begging me to have a child with you. And now we’re a mistake?”

“You had to realize that conversation yesterday was insane. You barely know me,” Joel insisted, placing his hand in over the center of his chest with his eyes narrowing.

“I think I’m probably the person who knows you better than anyone other than your family,” she reasoned with Joel, shaking her head refusing to believe this is where he was going with everything. “I think you’ve been more open with me than you have most people. So no, it’s not crazy and I don’t even care if it was. I know how I feel about you and I know how you feel about me. You wanted me to move in with you Joel. You were pretty desperate for it.”

“And now I’m thinking realistically,” Joel countered, defending what he was doing knowing that he had to look away from her in the moment. Eye contact was so very hard right now. Especially with her so upset. A long exhale fell from his throat and his head bobbed about. “We’ve known each other a little over a week. We are two incredibly fucked up, broken people relying on each other to heal one another. That doesn’t work. It’ll never work. Right now? It feels good because it’s new. It’s something we haven’t had in a long time and the sex is nice…I just got confused…”

“Okay. Gotcha. So because the sex felt good, you were confused?” she replied back, folding her arms out in front of her chest. The way she was annunciating her words almost made Joel feel stupid because they came out in a condescending tone. “Joel, you’re full of shit. Okay. Because the two of us? We have this connection that…”

“I don’t want it,” Joel spoke quietly, but loud enough for her to hear. Shaking his head, he moved over toward the corner of the room and rest back against the wall. Her heart sank hearing all of this and there was an ache at the pit of her belly. “I don’t think I’m mentally capable of being in a relationship with you Y/N. I don’t.”

Sitting down on the couch, she didn’t know what to say. Joel was back to being stubborn again. This time, he wouldn’t let her talk. He wouldn’t let her touch him and he was putting his foot down in a way that didn’t make sense to her.

“I haven’t had sex in a very long time and then suddenly there is someone beautiful that knows my body probably better than I do and…” he rambled on noticing her roll her eyes before hooking her fingers together. “I’ve never been very good at this whole breaking up thing. It was nice while it lasted. I’m sorry I led you on. I’m sorry I made you think there would be more to us, but there can’t be.”

“I understand why you’re acting this way, but I thought we were over this,” she stated with a shake of her head. Disappointment flooded her features with her biting back on the emotions that so desperately wanted to overrun her. “I know why you think you have to act this way Joel, but it does nothing but hurt you.”

“I’d like you to leave,” he seemed to ignore her, one hand pressing in over his hip while the other waved about toward the front door. “You need to go pack your bags, get out of the inn and head to the airport. I don’t want you here anymore and you shouldn’t miss your flight.”

“You’re doing this for the wrong reasons Joel,” she pled with him, finally looking to him again to see that his Adam’s apple was bouncing in his throat uneasily. “I love you and I understand that what I learned yesterday was a lot, but I don’t want to run away from you. I want to help you, I want to be here for you…”

“You can’t help me,” he silenced her once more, upsetting her that he wouldn’t let her finish. Multiple times this morning he had cut her off and not let her speak which was incredibly overwhelming in this kind of situation. “Nothin’ is gonna help me. I’m a broken man. You can’t fix me. I was blinded by the shiny, new idea of something that felt…”

“Good? Because that’s what we did for one another. We made each other happy. We made each other feel good,” she reminded him of the things that he said causing him to swallow down hard. Even though he was fighting this, she still felt like this was ridiculous. “You love me. You know you do.”

“I loved the idea of you,” he corrected her making a hurt breath escape her lips when he so quickly replied back. “It’s easy to love the idea of something that seems perfect. You were a clean slate where I could be something I wasn’t.”

“And now you can’t have that clean slate because I know about your past?” she filled in the blanks making Joel tense since she was so quick to pick up on what he said. “Our relationship is no longer perfect because I know what happened?”

“It’s more complicated than that,” Joel grumbled under his breath, brushing his fingers through his messy hair. “Come on Y/N, you had to know this wouldn’t work out. It’s better that this is happening now instead of you moving here and realizing it wouldn’t work. Normal people don’t do this. Fall in love this fast. Wanna move in with one another. Talk about having babies together. It’s like a drug. It feels good, but it doesn’t make sense. And it won’t last.”

“You haven’t even tried, so how would you know?” she refused to just let things go like this. “I don’t understand what made you change your opinion so fast. Because my opinion never changed of you Joel. I didn’t care what you did or what you didn’t do. I still feel the same way that I did yesterday.”

Hearing that brought forth an emotion into Joel’s face and she could tell that he was trying to hide it, “I’m not leaving Joel. I’m not going to abandon you because I found out the broken parts of you. I would be a terrible person to leave you now. Especially after everything. I refuse to do that.”

“But I don’t want you here,” Joel frowned, dragging his hand down in over the front of his face in a frustrated manner. “I know I’ve never been very good at this breaking up with someone thing, so maybe it’s not actually hitting you the way it should. I do not want you here. I don’t want you in my house. I don’t want you in my life. I want you gone. I want you out of my house. I want you out of Jackson. I want you out of my life!”

By now he was yelling at her, a rush of red flooding into his face when he threw his hand up toward the door again, “I wish you never came here at all! Don’t you understand that? For someone so fucking smart, you’re having a hard time grasping that.”

Swallowing down hard, she wasn’t used to him getting this angry with her, “Listen, I know when you are upset this is what you do. You resort to getting mean. To push people away. So you can’t get hurt. You shut people out and that’s the last thing you need right now,” she commented on what she knew to be true, her throat tensing up. She knew this was just how things were, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t bother her the way he was reacting toward her.

“Stop acting like you know me!” he screamed at her causing her to jump at how loud he got in such a small amount of time. “You don’t know me Y/N! We’ve been around each other a week. That’s it. You know my past and you know my penis. But you don’t know me. So for fuck’s sake, please just grab your stuff and leave! We’re done. I’m dumping you. I don’t want this relationship. It’s over. I don’t want you.”

When she didn’t respond, he moved forward to wrap his fingers around her arm in an attempt to pull her up, but when she didn’t budge he released a slew of curse words. Trying again, he heard her wince with how hard he had curled his fingers around her wrist, “Don’t do this. Don’t be a child. Take the breakup. Get off the couch and leave. I know you’re used to getting dumped. This shouldn’t be new for you.”

“Wow,” she whispered realizing that he was going right for the jugular again. “I’m not going to get hurt Joel. I know that’s why you are doing this. Please stop this. Okay? Because the only thing that is going to hurt me is if you force me out. I love you…”

“The biggest mistake I made was not telling you to fuck off the night you found me at The Tipsy Bison playing the guitar outside. I wish I would have never given you my number. I wish I would have never danced with you. I wish I would have never talked to you,” he seemed to be dramatic in the way he was saying everything noticing that her eyes were starting to tear over with the way he was screaming at her. “Don’t you realize what being in a relationship with you has done to me? In the small amount of time you’ve been in my life I have been forced to relive the pain that I tried so hard to lock up. Because of you, I had to relive every single thing that tore me apart. For years, I have been able to lock up those feelings and just live life. But now? I’m being forced to live through that pain again. Feeling things for you fucking broke me. Don’t you see that?”

A shuddering breath escaped her lips and he could tell that she never thought of it like that. Her head lowered, a single tear sliding down her face when he finally broke that wall that she had been hiding behind. That emotion had been right on the edge of erupting the whole time, but now he had successfully broken her.

“If I have to be in pain because of you, then this relationship was never worth it to begin with,” Joel slurred causing her to swallow down hard. “So get up, get your stuff and leave.”

Even though he hated to be screaming at her like he was, it seemed like that was the only way to get any kind of point across to her and through her head, “Up! Now. Get your clothes from my bedroom and leave.”

“Okay,” she finally agreed, getting up slowly from the couch. Doing as she was told, she headed upstairs toward his bedroom. Following her up, Joel watched as she grabbed her things that were spread out in his bedroom. There wasn’t much so it didn’t take long. When she moved out of his room, she didn’t bother to look at him as she headed for his work room.

“Hey!” he called out to her, snapping his fingers to get her to stop when she looked back at him over her shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“I’m grabbing my guitar,” she explained to him which resulted in him immediately shaking his head. “What?”

“Just leave the guitar here,” he requested having her release a nervous laugh. Rolling her eyes, she continued to move into the room to grab the guitar that he had made for her for Christmas. “You don’t have a case for the guitar. They aren’t gonna let you on the plane with that. That’s my property.”

“And you gave it to me as a gift Joel,” she reminded him, pushing through him after she had grabbed the acoustic guitar that he had gifted her with for Christmas. What he was doing was breaking down everything that was special to them in their relationship and it was infuriating her. Going to leave the room, he stepped in the doorway and glared out at her with his dark eyes. “I’m taking the damn guitar.”

Swiftly following her down the stairs once she pushed through him, Joel watched her heading for the door and he cleared his throat, “I know you’re angry with me, but this would have only ended the same way every relationship ends with me. You can’t find happiness with someone that is poison Y/N. I hurt everyone. It’s in my blood. You would have ended up hurt. You already did!”

“The only thing hurting me is you right now,” she informed him, not even bothering to look back at him as she stood before his door clinging to her things. “I know this is what you’re used to. You shut down and you have to be mean in order to push people away. But you didn’t have to push me away. I have accepted you for everything that you are and I would have been here for you through the good times and those horribly awful times where it feels like there is no escape for you. I’ve already proven that to you in the short time we’ve been together.”

“Y/N…” he called out to her when she opened the door. With furrowed eyebrows, he motioned her to wait and grabbed a box that he had sitting on one of the tables. Holding it out to her had her setting aside the guitar. Carefully opening the box, she saw that inside it was all the Christmas gifts she had gotten for him including the pocket watch. If anything broke her, it was him giving her the Christmas presents back. That’s when she started to actually cry and cry hard. “You can take those with you too. I don’t want them.”

Silence surrounded them until the sound of shattering filled the air after she simply dropped the box to the ground. Looking down, he realized the mug that she had gotten him had broken into pieces after it had fallen out of the box. By the time he could even comprehend what was going on, she was already headed out the door.

“Why would you do that?” he snapped at her, getting to his knees and reaching for the pieces of the mug that she had bought specifically for him. There was no response while he scrambled to pick up the broken pieces of it. Shakily reaching for the ornament that she had given him, he gazed it over to see if that had broken in the fall too. Thankfully, it hadn’t. “Y/N?!”

Lifting his head, he felt his throat go dry when he saw that his front yard was empty and the door was wide open. She had left. Getting up from the ground, he moved over toward the kitchen and shakily laid the pieces of the mug out onto the counter. Trying to place them together, he felt his throat tightening up while his hands trembled.

“What the hell was that?” a voice shocked him causing Joel to jump. Looking back over his shoulder, he saw that Ellie was standing between the kitchen and the living room staring out at him with big eyes. In her hands was the box that Y/N had dropped before leaving. “What did you just let happen?”

“I didn’t let anything happen,” he grunted, moving over toward one of the drawers to look for something. Pushing through things, Ellie moved further into the kitchen and cleared her throat. Setting the box on the kitchen table, she gazed down at the items she had gathered for Joel and shook her head. 

“You really are a ray of sunshine,” Ellie picked up one of the pieces that had shattered from the mug when she went over to the counter to see what he laid out, observing it closely. “Why are you upset now? You were ready to part ways with it a few minutes ago. Now you’re shattered over it being…shattered?”

“How do you know what I was like a few minutes ago…?” Joel paused, stopping long enough to look back at Ellie.

“Well, I came in to check on you and I walked in with you two talking so…I hid,” she explained to Joel, nodding her head about when she put the broken piece of the mug back down on the counter.

“How much of it did you hear?” Joel swallowed down hard with Ellie tipping her head from side to side. That really wasn’t something that he wanted Ellie to be involved with. 

“I’d say at least eighty percent,” Ellie claimed, folding her arms out in front of her chest. “I picked up everything and put them back in the box by the way. Everything seems fine. Except for the mug. Obviously. I’d say the coffee mug is fucked though. You really have a way with the people you love, don’t you?”

There was no response. Joel just went back to searching for something in the drawers. When he found the glue that he was looking for, he moved over toward the mug and tried to get a better look at it, “You know if you’re so worried about the mug and patching that back together, you might be able to catch Y/N. Fix that instead.”

“Ellie,” he grunted, his eyes lifting to stare out at the young woman that he had helped raise in the past.

“Why did you do that to her? Say those things?” Ellie sounded upset about what she had just heard between Joel and Y/N. Swallowing down hard, there was a lump in Joel’s throat that made him tense. “I know that you love her. I saw it in everything you did yesterday. You were clinging to her. You were smiling. You were happy. And just suddenly you don’t love her anymore? I don’t buy it Joel.”

“Of course I love her Ellie,” Joel exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. By now he looked very upset by everything and he didn’t even know how to explain the things he was feeling. “I love her so much and that’s why I had to do what I just did. The best thing for her is to get her the furthest away from me that she can.”

“That’s so stupid Joel,” Ellie fought back, pointing in the direction of the door that Y/N had left earlier. “That woman loves you so much and you just let her run out of here with a broken heart.”

“I know, but she got hurt yesterday because of me! You saw it,” Joel reminded her, placing his hand shakily in over the center of his chest. There was disappointment in Ellie’s eyes over what she had heard Joel do previously, but he felt like he had done what was right. “As much as I hate to admit it, Seth was right about me Ellie. Everyone in my life ends up hurt. Willingly bringing her into my life? I’m just setting her up to have something awful happen to her.”

“It sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Ellie rumbled underneath her breath, leaning back against the wall and folding her arms in front of her chest. “I think you believe that so much that you make it happen. You had a shit run of luck Joel. No one is questioning that. But that woman can take care of herself. And she is willing to fight for you. She didn’t care what Seth said. She ran to you instead of away from you. She broke Seth’s nose and his ribs. She’s not some delicate flower.”

“Broke his ribs?” Joel repeated, his head tipping to the side when Ellie smirked and nodded her head. “How?”

“When you ran off, she kicked Seth in the ribs. Hard. Shocked the shit outta both me and Tommy,” Ellie educated Joel on what he missed yesterday. “I think you’re highly underestimating her. I know you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, but with her? I think she takes some of that weight off for you Joel. She’s a lot like you. I’m not even sure you see it. “

“But it doesn’t negate that she is gonna get hurt because of me,” he repeated what he felt was the honest to God truth. Keeping Y/N around just left her open to being infected by the poison that always found itself into his life. “Everyone I love…”

“You’ve had a bad run of luck Joel,” Ellie agreed with him, not wanting to hear him continue to explain his reasoning behind what he did because at the end of the day? She thought it was ridiculous. “Sarah wasn’t your fault. I know you will never see it that way and I don’t blame you. You can’t get over that kind of shit. But when you lost her? It made you cold. And you shut the world out. The closest you got to opening yourself up to someone was me. Which you even had a hard time with that.”

With a tremoring breath, Joel fell back against the counter. His bottom lip trembled and he sighed loudly, “Yesterday? Before the shit hit the fan? You were smiling. You were happy. I saw something different in you. Something that surprised me. That man? I wanted to be around him. I was proud of you for allowing yourself to be open to someone like that.”

“Ellie, I get it,” Joel frowned, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat when he threw his hands up begging her to stop. It ached like hell thinking about what he had just done because he knew more than anyone how happy that woman made him. Right now he was so ashamed of himself that he couldn’t even look her in the eye. “I like the way she makes me feel and more than anything I want to be that man…”

“Then be that man!” Ellie didn’t let him finish, stepping forward and standing up straight. Excuses were the last thing she wanted to hear right now because she knew that it would just lead Joel down a deeper path of negativity. “Don’t let your mind stop you again from caring about someone. You have a chance at happiness Joel. You don’t always have to be miserable. I know you think you have to be and I know you think it’s what you deserve but think about Sarah. Do you really think this is the life she would want you to have? One where you don’t open yourself up to love? Where you are lonely and sad?”

A broken sound escaped his throat with Ellie stepping forward to reach out to place her hand in over his shoulder to give it a firm squeeze, “Joel, if you ever listen to me about something in your life, I hope this is it. Please. I know we’re not as close as we could be, but I’d like that to change. And I want to see you happy old man. Don’t let things end like this between the two of you.”

“You heard everything I just did,” he reasoned with Ellie, his voice breaking when he held his hand out toward the area he had just bickered with Y/N in the living room. In order to get her to leave, he had to be mean and that’s what he did. He was vicious and he hated to see her cry, but she was so insistent on taking care of him that he knew he had to break her. “D’you know how hard it is to break her? I broke her Ellie. I can’t come back from that. Not after all the things I said.”

“Then tell her you’re an idiot. Tell her you were worried. Be honest. It’s the one way you have a chance at a good life Joel,” Ellie pled with him, holding her hands up in a motion that had Joel sighing loudly and slouching forward. “Joel, come on. I know you got issues. But this isn’t how you end the one good thing you’ve had in a long time. I thought you were crazy at first, but I saw you happy with her. You gotta stop the endless cycle of misery for you.”

“She already knows I’m an idiot. She knows why I pushed her away,” he insisted with a broken breath, shaking his head. Even though he had hurt her, deep down he knew that she was aware of why he did this. She even said it to him. He needed to push her away. This was what he normally did. But he still hurt her. “It won’t work this time.”

“You are never going to be happy Joel if you never give yourself the chance to grow and be able to feel love,” Ellie fought back with him seeing that there were a few stray tears sliding down his face. Undoubtedly, she could tell that he was shattered by what he had done. Just his reaction from the mug being broken alone proved that. Yet, he was still in that damn kitchen and she wished he would have just ran off after Y/N. “Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t deserve to be happy Ellie,” he remained firm on that opinion, biting down on his bottom lip as he spoke. His dark eyes were locked on hers and it really showed how miserable he was about the whole thing. Ellie rolled her eyes, releasing an annoyed breath and Joel scoffed. “I don’t! Ellie, I really don’t! And she is way too good for me!”

“Why? Like give me a real reason why you don’t deserve to be happy?” Ellie fished for an answer, her face scrunching up in confusion. For so long, she never understood this side of Joel where he would lock up his emotions and hide them from the rest of the world. “Do you know how sad Sarah would be that you’ve been this broken for this long? I know you blame yourself for your daughter dying, but it wasn’t your fault Joel. And from the stories I’ve heard? She really loved you. The last thing she would want you to do is just keep living life this way and hurting yourself. You have people that love you, regardless of what you think. Yes, you’re a pain in the ass and you try hard to push people away, but Tommy? Me? We both love you. And we want to see you happy.”

Hearing Joel’s loud, uneven breaths had Ellie frowning. Lowering down onto the ground at the corner of the cabinets, Joel covered his head. What he was doing was hiding again. Emotions were eating away at him and she could tell by the sounds that he was making. Considering her next move, Ellie took a few steps forward and knelt down. Outstretching her hand, she caressed it in over Joel’s shoulder and cleared her throat, “When I had no one, you saved me. You’ve done some questionable things, but who hasn’t Joel? You’ve got a good heart. And you have a whole lotta love to give. Please allow yourself to share that love and experience it. I know you have a hard time listening to others, but now is the time to listen to people. They know what’s best for you more than you do.”

Moving forward, Ellie did her best to give Joel a hug before letting out a long sigh, “I’ll give you time alone, but you have to think about what I said. You know when she is leaving tonight Joel. I think you need to do something before she leaves. Because you’ve been doing this same thing for years and it left you broken. Imagine how things are going to be when you finally realize that you let the best thing that’s happened to you in a long time, you’re one chance at happiness slip through your fingers. Just because you were worried about the what ifs.” 

Staying silent, Joel didn’t know what to say. By the time Ellie left, he just stayed where he was with his head buried between his legs. Lord knows how long he stayed there. Wallowing in his own self-pity. This was all his own fault. It wasn’t something that someone did to him. No, he brought this on himself.

What felt like hours after his discussion with Ellie, Joel heard the sound of his front door opening. Slow footsteps filled the quiet house. Almost immediately, his heart skipped a beat. Stumbling to get to his feet, he scrambled toward the living room, “Y/N?”

Disappointment flooded throughout Joel’s veins with a loud exhale falling from his throat when he saw Tommy rounding the corner into the living room. Once their dark eyes connected, Joel frowned and headed over toward the couch to drop down on the edge of it, “Ellie came to talk to me.”

“Course she did,” Joel huffed out, reaching up to stroke at the back of his neck. Large amounts of tension overwhelmed his body and everything ached. Pushing his hands into his pockets, Tommy seemed ill at ease. Rocking back and forth on his feet, Tommy could tell that Joel was upset. “I reckon you came here to lecture me too?”

“Is it really lecturing you when you have the same opinion that we do? That that woman is the best thing that ever happened to you in a very long time?” Tommy wondered, his right eyebrow arching in curiosity. Hearing that question put out there like that had a quivering breath escaping Joel. “I’m just wonderin’ why you’re still here big brother.”

Silence followed. Joel couldn’t even look him in the eye and it made Tommy frown, “You should be goin’ after her tellin’ her what a fool you are. Instead you’re here sulking. Why? You ran out here hopin’ to God that I was her. And when you saw it was me? You were devastated. So why are you still here?”

“I’m sure Ellie told you everything that I said, so I don’t know why you are askin’ that,” Joel responded, his red eyes lifting to stare up at Tommy. Between Tommy, Ellie and Y/N? The way they all looked at Joel today? He didn’t need them to say anything. He knew they were disappointed in him, but he felt the same way. So he didn’t blame them. “I said some really awful shit.” 

“Yeah, I know you did, but I also know why you did it. There is just one thing I keep thinkin’ about though Joel,” Tommy stressed to his brother, moving around the coffee table to lower down carefully to sit on the edge of it to stare out at Joel. Having Tommy looking at him like he was made Joel uncomfortable. “That woman was very open with us about her life. She was vulnerable with us, which made her brave. You? You are broken, but you have people who love you. I’m here. Ellie is here. Maria is here. You have JJ in your life. So even when you feel like givin’ up, you have people here to keep your head above the water.”

Sucking in a sharp breath of air, Joel’s jaw flexed when Tommy shook his head and bit down on his bottom lip, “But her? She has no one. And she told us that she came here lookin’ for proof that there was a reason to keep goin’. And the one thing that did give her that proof? You just stole that from her. So what does she have now?”

A tremoring exhale escaped Joel’s throat when he lowered his head down, “Now if you still love her and you think you’re protecting her? You’re not. Because the safest she is? It’s with you. Being alone for her? That’s the most dangerous thing for her. Maybe not now, or tomorrow. But over time? What you did in pushing her away? It only just confirmed for her that she has nothin’ to live for.”

In that moment, it felt like the air had been sucked out of Joel’s lungs. Everything that hurt? It hurt twice as much now. How strongly his chest ached reminded him just how much this whole thing bothered him. And when Tommy put it into perspective that way? Joel knew that Tommy wasn’t wrong.

Reaching up, Joel wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. Tommy stood up from the coffee table and started pacing back and forth in the living room, “I just thought that was somethin’ you should be thinkin’ about right now.”

“Tommy…” Joel called out to his brother, confusion and desperation flooding into his tired features. “What am I supposed to do here? I know I fucked up, but I thought I was doin’ the right thing in pushin’ her away.”

“Listen, I know what I would do,” Tommy placed his hand in over the center of his chest, noticing the sorrow in Joel’s eyes. “But that’s not my choice to make. All I know is that what you’ve done today? I don’t agree with it at all. I think you’re trying to avoid causing damage, but what you’ve done? It’s caused more damage than anything that could have possibly happened. You’re not doing the right thing here big brother. Not at all.”

----

Today turned out to be a vastly different experience for Y/N than expected. Emotional would be an understatement, first and foremost. Everything was weighing heavy on her. Leaving her to experience everything so much more. All that anguish was something she was carrying on her shoulders and it would not leave her. Leaving Joel’s house today was one of the hardest things she ever had to do, but Joel forced her.

Yet, she kept playing those moments in her head over and over again. Repeating the conversations, wondering if there was something she said wrong. If there was something that she could have done to change his mind. But something told her that no matter what she did, the outcome would have always been the same. And that was soul crushing for her. Especially since she knew how hard she had fallen for Joel Miller. More than anything she wanted to help him and be there for him. But he was pushing her away and she couldn’t fight that.

If there was ever a moment in Y/N’s life where she truly didn’t know what to do with herself, it was right now. So many scenarios were running through her mind as she sat to herself, alone in the waiting area of the airport. There was a lump at the center of her throat that felt like it had been there since she left Joel’s. It never left her, no matter how many times she swallowed down. Right now? She was left feeling hopeless. An undeniable ache ate away at her with the pain centralized in her chest.

What was hard about facing all of these emotions that she was experiencing was that today the Jackson airport wasn’t empty like it was when she first arrived here. Likely because of the holiday ending, people were taking flights back home. So she had to hide the way she was feeling because there were people surrounding her. Sure, this would be considered not busy at all where she was from in terms of airports, but in Jackson? She imagined this was a very busy day for them.

Hiding her feelings and biting back on the tears that she no doubt wanted to cry was hard. Often it led to her counting down from a certain number with her eyes closed. Nothing felt real right now. Yesterday, everything started off perfect. In the morning, her and Joel were intimate with one another. Talking about their future like there was one and today she was booted from Joel’s life completely.

Looking to the seat beside her, Y/N felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Placed in the seat was the acoustic guitar that she had taken from Joel’s home. Thankfully she had managed to pick up a case from the music store in town before making it to the airport, but staring at that thing hurt. Especially since Joel didn’t want her to have it in the first place. What was meant to be a gift of love with meaning in the carvings that he engraved into it, now felt meaningless.

When Y/N finally got back to the inn after taking her time on her walk from Joel’s place, she was met at the top of the stairs by Jesse who was waiting for her in the sitting area. Joel really wasn’t kidding when he said he was serious about kicking her out of the inn. Joel had given Jesse direct instructions for Jesse to help Y/N pack her things and assist in making sure she was out of the inn by a certain time. How seriously Joel was taking this whole banning her from his life thing hurt. Even though Jesse was incredibly kind and nervous in the way he handled himself, it still didn’t help that she had someone watching over her shoulder to insure that Joel’s wishes were being granted.

Packing her things up wasn’t really that hard. There wasn’t much she came to town with originally so the additions that she bought when she got here didn’t really overwhelm her. Instead of being rude or forceful, Jesse offered to help Y/N carry her things when she was finished. Unfortunately, neither Tommy nor Maria were at the inn today. So she couldn’t really say goodbye to them. Multiple times she considered writing them, but it almost felt wrong since they were so close to Joel who had just dumped her.

Out of the kindness of his heart, likely because he felt bad for her, Jesse had offered to drive her to the airport himself. That was how she managed to get to stop in at the music store. Jesse suggested she get a case for the guitar there. Thankfully, Jesse was a sweet kid and he didn’t seem to want to dig things in for her. Likely because he was the father of JJ and he didn’t want to upset Ellie nor Dina since they seemed to at least like Y/N the day before.

For a while, he insisted on waiting with her at the airport since she was there so early. Attempting to give her company, but it just felt awkward. While she had met Jesse at the dinner the day before, they really didn’t know one another. And the last thing this kid needed was some random woman weeping to him about her woes. So eventually she was able to convince Jesse to leave her alone to herself.

Guilt was eating away at her as she sat alone. When Joel first started with everything that he was doing, she genuinely just believed it was Joel doing what she had learned he was good at. Pushing her away. But after Joel mentioned her bringing back the pain into his life, she couldn’t help but feel like there were undertones of truth to that. Even though she worked so hard not to have Joel have to face his past, maybe being around her did cause Joel pain. And it made her feel bad. Like it was her fault that happened. Heartbreak and guilt was never a good combination. Especially for a person like her.

“Hey, I know you,” a voice interrupted her train of thought causing her to jump slightly. A rush of warmth flooded into her face as she sat up straighter in the chair she was seated in. Looking up, she realized the person standing before her was the taxi driver that had brought her from the airport to town on the first night she got here. Just like that night, he was wearing an oversized pair of thick framed glasses and a cowboy hat. With a tip of his hat, the old man moved in beside her to lower down in the empty seat next to her. The man’s bushy eyebrows bounced up over the frames over his glasses that took up most of the residence of his face when he gave her a big smile. “You’re headed out, huh?”

“I am,” she knew that she really wasn’t in the mood for small talk, but considering the man sat down beside her told her that she wasn’t going to have a choice. This man liked to talk the first night she met him and she imagined that didn’t change in the last week. By the way the man’s eyes narrowed and he was gazing upon her face, it made her wonder if he could tell that she had been crying earlier. After Jesse left, she did have a significant cry in the bathroom, so she assumed she just looked terrible by now. “Although, not by choice.”

“Not by choice?” he slurred, his face scrunching up in confusion with him tipping his head to the side. “What does that mean?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she exhaled loudly, shaking her head and forcing herself to look away from the old man. There was that chance that she might start to cry again and she didn’t want that. “I’m just headed home.”

“Doesn’t sound like you wanna be,” he replied back, reaching up to tip his cowboy hat back so he could gaze upon her. “I take it you fell in love with Jackson, huh? I told you that you’d warm up to it. No one ever truly wants to leave after they’ve come here. There is something about the place that draws you in. Makes you never wanna leave.”

“Something like that,” she responded, swallowing down hard. Sure, Jackson was beautiful and she felt like she barely scratched the surface of the town, but it wasn’t Jackson itself that made her fall in love with the idea of being here. “I’ve gotten to see some really beautiful things here. You don’t get this kind of stuff out in New York. At least, not in the city anyways.”

There was a silence between them where it seemed like the old man was thinking deeply about what she was saying, “What are you even doing here?”

“I drove someone here. I helped them carry their things in,” the man explained, circling his finger about as if looking for the person that he brought, but he couldn’t find them. “I just saw you sitting here and figured I would say hello. I remember you as being one of my most interesting clients as of late. So I was curious how everything went. It looks like you have more to take home than you did when you showed up.”

“Oh, yeah,” she chuckled, pointing over toward her things since she had travelled so light in order to get here. An involuntary discomfort flooded through her veins with her leaning back further in her seat. “I needed a whole new wardrobe. I don’t know if I’ll ever use it in New York.”

“Just keep it for the next time you come back here,” the man thought aloud, throwing his hands up in the air. A weak smile tugged at her features and she felt that lump in her throat growing. “You do wanna come back, don’t ya?”

“I’m not welcome back,” she muttered in a quiet voice, but loud enough that the old man still heard her. A moment later, he was taking his hat off and laying it in his lap. Maybe it would have been best for her not to say anything, but she could tell that she was getting emotional again. “I got kicked out and banned from The Copper Peak Inn. No one in this town wants me back.”

“Kicked out of The Copper Peak Inn? For what?” the old man scoffed, his face scrunching up in disbelief. Visibly he thought that was a ridiculous idea and the tone of his voice hitched. “I reckon I’ve been there when people got into bar fights and those people are still allowed to come. What in tarnation did you do? It must have been pretty bad.”

“Fell in love with the owner?” she blurt out the honest truth, her eyebrow arching up when she turned to stare out at the old man. Long and hard the man thought for a moment before leaning forward in his chair with his jaw clenching. 

“And the wife found out?” the old man concluded eliciting Y/N to laugh out at the idea of what he was hinting. How the old man immediately went to assuming that it was Tommy amused her. “It’s surprising to think about really. I never saw Tommy being the type to fall for another woman. Him and Maria seemed like such a strong couple, but I guess I could understand Maria wanting to keep you out for…”

“No, not Tommy. Maria and Tommy didn’t kick me out. It was Joel,” she corrected him, biting down on her bottom lip at the thought of everything. “Joel was the one that I fell in love with. And Joel was the one that banned me from coming back. I fell head over heels in love with Joel Miller.”

“Joel?” the man grunted, the lines in his forehead growing. “I don’t understand.”

“You and me both,” she frowned wishing that she herself understood this whole situation. In the background, she heard the sound of them alerting the people for her plane that it was time to board. Looking toward the doors, she felt her heart starting to race.

“Are you waiting for someone?” he asked, putting his hat back on and looking toward the door like she had just done. Truthfully? Hope had lingered inside of her that Joel would come running through those doors of the airport. Admit that he made a mistake and beg her to stay. Hours she had been here and that never happened. Maybe she watched too many Christmas films in her time here because there was that feeling that maybe something would happen. But then reality struck. Hell, she had even hoped that Tommy would have somehow found out about everything. That he would have rushed to the airport to convince her that she was everything his brother wanted and needed in his life. But not even that happened.

“I guess not,” she replied back, her heart feeling like it was being ripped right from her chest. Right now? She was doing a shitty job at holding back on her emotions. There was a burning in her eyes and so desperately the tears wanted to fall again. Clearing her throat, she looked beside her to stare out at the guitar that she had placed there. Even though they had called for the people to board the plane, she had no motivation to move. Hell, she didn’t want to leave. But did she didn’t really have much of a choice, did she?

“You a musician?” the old man beckoned her to look back at him again with his question. Shaking her head had him leaning forward to eyeball the guitar case that was beside her and he didn’t understand why she said no. “Where did you get that then?”

Something changed in the old man’s eyes when she turned her head just enough for him to no doubt see the bruising over the area of her face from where Seth had hit her yesterday. Once he got a look at it, his eyebrows furrowed and he grasped firmly to the arms of the chair, “That Miller boy didn’t do that to you, did he?”

“No, no!” she blurt out, holding her hands up not wanting the man to get any ideas about things. Lifting her hand, she trailed her fingertips over the area and winced. There was still an ache that lingered there from where Seth had hit her. “This wasn’t Joel. Do you know who Seth is?”

“Honey, I don’t think there is a person in town who doesn’t know who Seth is,” the man stammered, pausing when something seemed to come to him. In that moment, his entire face changed and he let out a long exhale. “Wait a minute! You’re that girl that the whole town has been gossipin’ about, aren’t you? The doctor that…”

“No doubt,” she grumbled under her breath, a warmth flooding into her face at the thought. She could only imagine what the people had been saying about her in town. Between her relationship with Joel and her making an ass of herself, she could only imagine the things that people were saying. Color flooded into his cheeks and he cleared his throat. Yep, that told her that he had heard the negative things. “I’m the doctor that started dating Joel Miller that has a vile mouth on her.”

“Well you sure did have a busy week then, didn’t you?” the old man retorted with a muted snicker that had her looking disappointed in his response. “I just mean you and the grumpy Miller wasted no time in having a full-fledged relationship. The meet cute, the hook up, the dating and the breakup all in one. A lad at the bar couldn’t stop talkin’ about a situation he found himself in when he delivered a pizza to your room one night. I mean people were talkin’ about a lot of things, but I’m sure you don’t…well, I reckon you aren’t interested in hearing them. So I don’t know why I’m sayin’ it.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” she didn’t know how to respond. Could she be offended? Sure, but what was the point? She had to leave Jackson and she’d likely never be back here again anyways. Drifting her eyes toward the door again, she didn’t know why she was hopeful when she saw the doors of the airport opening because it was only another family walking in. Wishing for a romantic hero from a story wasn’t something she was destined for and she realized that. Maybe Joel was right. The problem was never him, it was her.

“Ms. Y/N?” someone called out drawing her attention to the employee that was pointing toward the gate where her airplane was. “I think you’re gonna miss your plane if you don’t head out there now.”

“Thank you,” she stood from the chair, disappointed that this was how her time in Jackson was ending. Collecting the guitar from the chair, she pulled it in closer to her and looked over it. Standing before the man, she felt the world spinning around her thinking about her last interaction with Joel. A tremoring sound escaped her throat with her finally speaking up. “Do you know where Joel Miller lives?”

“I reckon I do,” the man responded to her. A confused exhale filled the air when she held the guitar out toward him. Instead of grabbing it, the man leaned back in the chair and gave her a scrutinizing look. “What do you want me to do with that?”

“Could you please return this to him? I can pay you if you’d like…” she stated, lowering the guitar down at her side while going to dig into her bag. A whistling sound stopped her from digging around when he outstretched his hand to grab the guitar from her.

“Honey, I can do it for free,” he insisted, looking to the case that he had taken from her. “But why?”

“Because I took it and he didn’t want me to,” she honestly answered, pulling out what sounded probably like one of the most pathetic sounds from her. It broke her heart to separate with it, but considering Joel didn’t want her to have it in the first place? It only made sense for her to leave it. God, there was the first sign of the tears returning to her. A single tear ran down the side of her face and she tried to swiftly push it away with the back of her hand. Empathy flooded into the old man’s face with him clinging onto the guitar. “That guitar was meant for someone that he loved. Someone that he cared about. And that person is not me. So, if you could return that to him, I would really appreciate it.”

“Sure thing sweetheart,” the man agreed to take the guitar back, nodding his head when she threw her bag in over her shoulder. “Are you sure?”

Gulping down, she felt more tears coming, but she just nodded. Turning on her heel, she headed for the gate for her to board the plane. What she couldn’t do was look back because then she would regret giving him the guitar. But all she could think about when she looked at it was how Joel told her he didn’t want her to have it. Which only led to her thinking about him trying to force her to take the gifts she had given him for Christmas. It wouldn’t be a happy memory with her having that guitar. No, it would only break her heart over and over again. A memory of something that could have been. So it made no sense for her to have it.

Embarrassment flooded through her veins when she had to hand over the ticket to the person at the gate. Crying probably didn’t look that good. She was a mess and she likely looked insane. What she had wanted to do was avoid this, but she got emotional. And she couldn’t help it.

Finally getting on the plane, she took her seat and did her best to avoid people seeing her face. Even now, she was such a hopeless romantic that she wished that Joel would come running onto the plane last minute. That in a last-minute attempt to stop her he would come begging for her to stay. Plead with her. Apologize to her. Just like they did in the movies.

Sadly, this wasn’t like the movies. Joel was right when they talked about love in films. Hollywood put unrealistic expectations into people’s minds. A love like that? It didn’t exist. And if it did? She wasn’t someone that deserved it. And when the door slammed shut? That realization struck her harder than she expected it to. Left alone in her seat, it felt like her throat was closing up and like her heart had been shattered into so many pieces.

For a few days, the world played the cruelest prank on her by making her believe that there was happiness that was obtainable in her life. Fate dangled the perfect man in front of her and just as quickly took him away from her. Happiness? That wasn’t something that was meant for her. Loneliness? The kind that became her only friend in the last few years? That was the only thing she was destined for. Now she had nothing to look forward to but the same thing she had been dealing with most of her life. An empty brownstone in New York City where she would just fade away into the sea of people. Loneliness would be the only thing that she had that would be engulfing her just like it had always done before.

Getting a taste of what life could truly be like if she was happy was cruel. Now that she knew what it felt like to be genuinely happy for once in her life? It only made going home so much worse. Coming to Jackson, she got that addictive taste of what real love felt like. But now? She was leaving Jackson in more pain than she felt when she arrived.

----

Tags: @pedrospascaled @carolineesnell @ayumi-wolf @dilfsandmartinis @christinamadsen

@brittmb115 @thegirlwiththemostcake3 @ashleyfilm

[saxlochapologist]

the way Saxon is genuinely very disgusted and upset about what happened between him and Lochlan becomes so much sadder when you remember they're from a family who has kept them extremely isolated and alienated from regular everyday life experiences. and it's not just the typical insularity of the ultra-wealthy either, I think there's a very sinister insider vs. outsider dichotomy at play for them that has been enforced primarily by Victoria, but with Tim being complicit in it as well. We see Victoria CONSTANTLY telling her children to remember who they are, where they come from, sowing seeds of doubt into the fabric of every conversation they have with people outside of their immediate family, praising their genetics and appearances, basically grooming them to feel superior to everyone they come into contact with. I truly think Sax and Lochy have both been told from day 1 that ending up like Sax is kinda the ideal - the family is constantly giving Lochy a hard time for his posture and for not being a gym rat like Saxon, Victoria laughs at all the jokes Saxon makes at Lochy and Piper's expense, erc. So not only is Sax being imbued with a kind of god complex from his status as the Ratliff's 1st born son, he also ends up feeling like it is his responsibility alone, as the only older male sibling, to kind of mold Lochlan into the type of man who's been led to believe is worthy of the ridiculously wealthy and privileged existence his parents have given them. and it's not only coming from a fetishization of wealth and power but also of being a member of their family specifically which makes all of this feel even heavier.

And with this context I think Sax definitely feels like he failed Lochlan in some way with what happened at the full moon party. Not only is he angry with Lochlan, he's insanely and overwhelmingly angry with himself - for not stepping in to make sure Lochlan was following the right script, for not ever saying no, and most of all for actively enjoying it. I mean the look on his face is literally pure bliss when Lochlan's hand is working him underneath the sheets and I don't think he can fully repress that feeling. Sax is supposed to be his older brother, showing him how to be an adult. how to be a Ratliff. how live up to their parents' expectations of them. and instead here he is moaning like a girl while his younger brother rubs him. I think all those years alone with him and Piper and their parents are going to start to feel sickening now. like maybe he isn't this gift from God put on earth to make money, fuck hot girls, and be what his parents want him to be bc he can't lust after his brother and still meet those expectations. Idk. Saxon as a character just goes crazy, I can't stop thinking about him!!

[citylighten]

Alegría vs Caruso: Commentary

A little something for @matchalovertrait 💞

TW: ...Caruso Stans and apologetic nonsense😟��😓

Fiora hadn’t uploaded a proper video for three years. Even if she did have some creativity that ‘lingered’ within her, there were too many other things that required her attention: Marisol, the twins, work. One would believe that it was motherhood that drained Fiora dry, but really her exhaust stemmed from the nature of working in a kitchen. On the few days she didn’t feel dazed or agitated, she enjoyed opening up Youtube and going live. To sit down and speak to her followers as if they were old friends separated by distance was a form of relaxation. Originally when she got into the habit of doing this, there would be a chatter (one or two) who would question when her next video would be coming out. Over time the inquiries fizzled out, amongst the viewers there was a unified acceptance for the fact Fiora may never be the influencer she was years ago.

“Alright,” she breathes out, exhaust lingering in her voice. “We hit the three hour mark…anything you guys want to talk about? If not, I’m going straight to soak in my bathtub.”

She waited, but there were no recommended topics. Some were expressing how they would be getting off as well, others congratulated her on her recent promotion to which Fiora sleepily thanked them.

Then, there came a message that caused her eyebrows to lift in intrigue:

kitty giordano: Did you hear about the results of Alegría v Caruso? 

“Yes, Kitty, I did.” Fiora replies, “I said this in a previous live, but I had been keeping up with the trial since it started. What happens in the dark always comes to light.” That was surely enough to show her stance on Dulce’s triumph. kitty giordano: I’m feeling…iffy about the outcome lol “Okay...iffy how?” Fiora asks, “can you explain more?” There was a pause, but within two minutes, a response was given. Focused, Fiora reads it under her breath, “maybe it’s because I’ve been following Caruso’s social media for awhile, but I don’t think all of the issues were taken into account or seriously enough…hm…”

With that hum, Fiora lets that statement sit with her. Naturally, Fiora felt judgmental, however, she simultaneously felt confused. “How was Caruso not taken seriously enough?” 

kitty giordano: I don’t think all of Caruso’s ideas might have been original but not all of Dulce’s ideas were original, too. 

Judgment grows, but Fiora strives to withhold it. “Well…about that. You have to remember Dulce’s Mexican.” She notes. “So what differed between the recipes she had and what Caruso had, are the methods for the cooking, what they gravitated to in terms of ingredients, y’know? All of that.”

Again, there is a moment of silence from Kitty. Fiora expected the conversation to have ended before she again resurfaces in the chat.

kitty giordano: There are a lot of similarities between Mexican and Italian food. Both rely on herbs, spices and fresh ingredients. Some people even say Italian food is spicy to them... 

Rubbing her thumb against her pointer finger, Fiora tells herself to be nice. Remember the fact Dante is sleeping the next room over and Marisol could get startled if she launched into a full blown debate… 

“So…I’m just going to say this.” Fiora begins, “my godparents are Mexican. I grew up very close to them. They would be at my parent’s dinner table as much as my parents would be at theirs. And my godmom didn’t cook. It’s not that she COULDN’T do it: she was just going to pay people to do something for her if she had the opportunity...she’s just that type of woman." 

"So, my godmom, she hired only Mexican cooks in the kitchen and the head chef was this woman from Sonora. Now me, being the nosy kid I was, I used to sneak into the kitchen to see how she prepared food. And let me tell you - it was nothing like how my Uncle Sal cooked. Italian and Mexican cooks operate differently, there is a different process.” Fiora shifts on the couch, “two cultures both use tomatoes for cuisine - what does that really mean?  ‘Cause by going by this logic, we’re going to say French cuisine is similar, too. Which is just…untrue. You would never compare French food to Italian food or Mexican food. It’s all individual and stems from…culture.”

Kitty is rendered silent, possibly agreeing. Fiora chooses to believe it's that.

meera: I’m happy Dulce won the trial but I think it’s sus she had a relationship with Caruso then tried to leave him when they got to Del Sol Valley. It’s like she knew bigger opportunities to get famous were here since its where all the celebrities are.

“I don’t think it’s sus…I don’t think it’s sus at all.” Fiora had to wonder how many fans or followers of Caruso were in her midst. When the trial started, she looked at his social media, but there wasn’t anything that wow’d her or compelled her to follow him. A lot of the traction he got had to be about his looks. Similar to Don, Caruso had the sort of face that was good for films and tv. Still, it was important to remember beauty didn’t equate to goodness. “It’s not unethical to date someone you studied with. It’s not unethical to date someone you work with and it’s not unethical to break up with someone. We don’t know the how’s and what’s behind their breakup. Maybe he was abusive, maybe he brought out the worst in her,” her voice picks up, “but considering the fact he tried to claim she was a thief and ruin her credentials, I would say he was a problem in the relationship.”

“And the truth of the matter is…this happens a lot with women. I can guarantee that there’s a female chef out here, right now, who’s getting her ideas robbed by a man. Men always tell women: go to the kitchen if we’re getting on their nerves, but if we’re too good in the kitchen they want to humble us. Suddenly, it’s a man’s profession." "Dulce was lucky to get things set right, and I’m always going to be in support of her because her problem could be my problem.”