#except theyre still going to hell because they dont believe in jesus

[administer-distractions]

.

[surpriserose]

Chris can u fancast how Hollywood would cast RGU

Jesus christ is this payback for boyfriends posting im sorry ill never do it again

God okay rgu has a pretty big cast and im gonna be ignoring some characters but only like people from the black rose arc sorry mikage and ljke all the minor characters </3 but still this is gonna be long and terrible and ouughhhh >:(

Okay first things first this is Hollywood this shit takes place in LA now and everyones been whitewashed to hell and back since im going the ghost in the shell slash death note light *TURNER* route im so sorry

Utena tenjou, now utena Turner (no relation to light) is gonna be fucking haliee steinfeld because oughhhh it causes me the most amount of pain and i honestly feel like you couldnt pay her to kiss another woman

Anthy himemiya, now called annie hemingway to not confuse american audiences, is played by priyanka Chopra because they remember anthy is indian but not that shes you know dark skinned

Touga kiryuu, now called tony kerrigan, has to be god whats that dude from to all the boys ive loved before? Noah centineo who is painfully miscast because no one understands touga who is now just genuinely utenas love interest probably

Nanami Kiryuu, now fuckinggggg ouuygghh nancy kerrigan or something, is played by jojo siwa who honestly could probably pull it off i believe in her but not with the script and director who probably make nanami unrecognizable. Because its jojo siwa she gets some new original character to have a blink and you miss it gay kiss with

Saionji kyouichi, now god fucking sean cooper or some shit, is now entirely comic relief so anthy and utena can have #girlpower moments that dont work AT ALL so hes probably like fuckign idk one of the jonas brothers the one who was in jumanji he was pretty good actually

Miki kaoru, now mickey kelly i guess, idk hes like tom holland in a bad wig being his best uwu soft boi

Juri Arisugawa, now julie armstrong, is fucking ahhhhh im running out of hip young actors im gonna have to start looking up the euphoria cast list juris uhhh dove Cameron i think that fits in that it doesnt. Juris also straight shiori doesnt exist her new love interest is ruka/ryan played by uhhhh cole sprouse lets dip into riverdale

Hmmm i think thats everyone except akio? Im gonna be vague on akio since you dont know who he is but

Akio is now aaron Hemingway annies brother and hes played but rahul kohli who is the dude whos way too good for this project and honestly i think he could do it but again akio is unrecognizable hes just anthys supportive but hilarously overbearing older brother

Other things that cause me pain aside from casting:

Utena isnt butch anymore she dresses like a Hollywood tomboy and probably gets a feminine makeover at some point and sticks with it

No one is lgbt except nanami and even then plus they probably make a few jokes about anthy and utena looking like a couple and its really homophobic

Idk the rose bride is now the equivalent of a prom queen and everyones competing to get anthy as their date or something but then anthy and utena start competing to be the rose bride

And because its unrecognizable as rgu utena and anthy both become rose brides and its the climax of the movie where theyre like ...women...dont have..to fight each other....we're all rose brides probably with some mean girls references

It closes on utena and touga kissing and probably idk anthy and saionji kissing and the rest of the couples

Olivia rodrigo makes a cameo as like the prom singer or something and does an english pop cover of rinbu revolution that is also unrecognizable

People online get mad if you ship this version of anthy and utena because theyre straight

[macklives]

hey so this is gonna be a long-ish one. ive decided its been far too long since i did a session, and we did so many i can often forget what happened. i started in july and im pretty sure its been more than half a year now since this whole blog happened. and in that time, we’ve gone through 88 sessions and i want to know if i remember the relevant plot points and what we got up to in the last few sessions. a refresh/reminder if you would.

so i hereby commence my own little recap of act 5 because yeah no, its too much to do a recap of everything and i have andrew for that after every few acts. but i wanna refresh my mind on act 5 for now. so here we go.

1. alternia.. fucked up place. but its a place the trolls live on so what are we gonna do about it? overthrow the government? seems about right, lets do that with the next troll that gets introduced and if its not kanaya idk what andrew is doing by not having introduced the best troll yet. why the long wait? it was the second introduced? i honestly expected it to go in order when i first read act 5, because first we had karkat talk to jade which was the first new piece dialogue in the comic besides the main kids, but then we had kanaya with rose, which was followed by tavros, then terezi (iirc). so id assume we were following that order but nope karkat got fully introduced, then this random fucking juggalo called gamzee made its way into the comic. imagine my surprise.

2. theres been terminology throughout act 5, that i do not fucking know and will not remember and probably never will. like tf is a perigee again? i made a doc somewhere ill probably find it.

3. karkat’s introduction... short but very sweet. and by sweet i mean we got to know the depths of the angry edge lord. and by depths i mean karkat got angry at gamzee for typing in a way that he didnt like so he yapped like a chihuahua. nah, but seriously, i do like karkat tho, hes growing on me but only bc hes a bitch baby and his whole personality makes me want to mock him so thats the reason im not that annoyed and think hes funny, and the most harmless troll. even more so than tavros. and thats saying something. 7.5/10 bc im generous.

4. then gamzee... the high juggalo troll who has the worst typing quirk imo, i cannot for the life of me read it. but hes chill, i actually really like gamzee. hes funny and the least problematic as of right now. 8.5/10.

5. terezi’s introduction next i think. she likes playing as a lawyer with her stuffed dragons, ie by roleplay, shes blind, can see through licking, and she likes eating chalk, maybe its even nutritious. shes good. 9/10. 

6. uhh in the process of these intros, there are teams being made? karkat joins gamzee and terezi in, i THINK, the red team?? bc terezi likes red?? could be wrong, i dont remember the teams except that its red/blue to represent sollux’s duality in those colors. terezi then tries recruiting AC but AC is like lol sorry i have to ask this friend of mine who has authority over me for some goddamn reason and terezi goes yuck tf i hate that guy................... yeah thats all we have on the teams. pretty sure sollux had smth to do with karkat about the making of the leaders, and they did the “i hate me” and the “no i hate me more than u hate u” or whatever the fuck that was. they got embarrassed afterwards and deleted their messages. im pretty sure they have no messages because everything ends up being mutually deleted so their logs are actually empty. ngl, kinda enjoyed their convos, made me appreciate their characters. i hope we get more because its good content. i also dont know what order this whole thing is in, who contacted who first? couldnt tell you. ill remember later on. and since im basing this off from memory alone, gotta deal with what i remember. uhhhh so yeah. we havent met all characters yet so the teams have not been officially decided but we got the bases, which is that.

7. god i found it, and the only thing im looking at right now is the terminology list i made and what the fuck?? what the fuck?? you miss a few weeks and suddenly the word nubslurping comes up and you forget what the fuck youre reading.

8. im PRETTY SURE aradia is seen after that whole team fiasco?? or its sollux... maybe. wait. its sollux, right. i just knew someone gets introduced mid way through is all. actually, someone gets introduced after every 20 pages. i have no idea. but ik aradia and sollux go hand in hand.

9. oh shit. OH SHIT! RIGHT! I REMEMBER! so this occurs in the latest session i did, and not the beginning of act 5, but AG and aradia team up, right?? and sollux fucking gets manipulated by them and ??? idk??? they make him find the game, reprogram it and then make him believe its going to end the world (which in hindsight is true, but anyways) so he refuses to play it which was AG’s plan all along so she steps up and becomes leader in his place. but aradia says sollux will still play the game no matter what, but she never went through with the plan for AG but it was apart of a prophecy? that sollux wouldnt be the leader at all? that he’d still play? but it had to go according to plan so it could succeed??? we just dont know why yet. anyways, point being, she still cares for sollux since she did it for him rather than for AG. and thats what i recall. god tf i forgot about that whole drama until writing down “sollux and aradia go hand in hand” which gave me violent flashbacks to the memory.

10. oh and id give aradia 9/10 and sollux 7/10. i do like sollux but if i put him higher than karkat, id get crucified. so im keeping them around the same.

11. man i really like sollux and aradia tho, i may have put him at 7, but i really like their dynamic and i really hope they make up and aradia explains herself about AG. because from one side it looks shitty. and while sollux is rude and never makes up his mind, he apologized to aradia after going off, and that was the only time ive seen him be sincere, so im pretty sure he cares for her to some extent. and i think its somewhat mutual? considering the whole “did it for him” thing. man, i see potential because i actually like both their characters. theyre well written. may not have the best personalities, but i appreciate well written characters and homestuck has the best ones ive seen in a while.

12. oh shit, hell yeah, the more i write, the more im connecting the dots and remembering. however, the more i write, the more i want to just make an analogy post but thats not for now. jesus christ its not all about analogies, mack, this is a recap. but.. how does andrew do it? to not go off track??? hard. telling ya.

13. anyways, didnt we break the fourth wall at some point and have the demon gods or whatever the fuck speak to us in third person for the first time in the comic, after having only gone into second person narrative, right after we were introduced to sollux and his “virus”? the uh, the phrase “the demon was already here” was said, or something along those lines. first line in homestuck to give me the creeps ngl and i appreciate it bc it gives me motivation to know what the fuck its about. its cool bc you have no idea where its going and it sure doesnt have anything to do with the current plot, since the trolls’ session/game doesnt have fucking demons so im curious as to what the fuck that was about. and if i really have to make a theory, i feel it has something to do with aradia’s voices in her head which also connect to the gods rose heard when she started disregarding rules and told dave to look at derse without listening to music bc it was as if he was purposely blocking away their calls. like holy shit, that gave me the shivers. while i do want to know more about wtf happens after act 4, trolls are taking priority right now. just like we did with the intermission. no discussing the kids unless necessary. treat this as its own separate comic. and THEN we can connect.

14. ANYWAYS, tavros’ intro???? that comes afterwards?? with the fiduspawn that made me gag a little on the inside? yep. remember that. fuck that lol. -1/10 but tavros himself is MAYBE a 6/10? i wish we explored his character more in his intro bc right now he just looks like a character made only to be a victim rather than have any depth and i feel thats robbing someone of their full potential. give me more personality andrew, rather than a quivering boy who falls prey to bitches. im expecting more throughout the comic honestly and i hope he gets growth so hes not looked as a “victim” but rather his own character. he is still sweet, and i like him because i want to protect him, but id rather have more info, you know what i mean?

15. oh hell. kanaya had a chainsaw at some point. that made me happy. and didnt she cut off tavros’ legs?? and he got robot ones? and some creepy dude was looking and we called him saggy tits bc hes sagittarius? right? neat. that did happen. pretty sure saggy tits is ACs friend that tells her what to do. the more u know. OH and they all have colored blood similar to their text colors lol. that i remember... so tavros has brown, terezi has blueish green, um. karkat has grey the loser. and apparently it forms a rainbow which is nice. rainbow is good.

16. i dont remember anything else actually

17. wait no i do. AG appeared. shes a petty bully. idk what to say about her. we didnt get that much, except that she hates tavros but is okay with aradia. she also looks like a bottle opener. actually, i think she teamed with aradia to gain leadership rather than to “be friends”. and while that is similar to how karkat did it, meaning the gain, the motivation and how they earned it is entirely different. kinda seeing a trend tho. the leaders of the red/blue teams are both characters who wanted the role, but never had it to begin with. only to win their way into the position. but rather than ask non-stop like karkat did, AG manipulated others so she could be successful. not too sure if she also used aradia for that, or is actually motivated to become friends since they were “past enemies” and she needed a rebound. pretty sure its somewhat both. while AG did mostly use aradia to speak with sollux, what she doesnt know is that aradia is a bad bitch who never even thought about AG and only followed through with the plan bc she had a plan of her own. i guess we’ll look into that later. i lowkey want to know their history.

18. OH AC!!! she appeared for a second as well. love her. shes amazing. 9.5/10. and you may ask yourself, why am i saying “i love this character” but none of them are 10/10?? weellllll its because, and i cant stress this enough, 10/10 belongs to kanaya, i dont make the rules. im waiting for her introduction, shes my favorite and its obvious. sorry.

19. oh huh seems i forgot about the term “lusus”. which.. is.. their parents but not really, its these fucking weird ass creatures that the trolls fought in a cave or something as a child. i dont fucking know. terezi hatched hers and it died? gamzee’s also died but his goat sea dad was never really there to begin with so while it is sad, its more sad that gamzee never saw him? um.. karkat killed his own by exploding his computer bc sollux said dont run the virus and karkat said u cant tell me what to do and did it anyways. so thats on him. but apparently theyre supposed to die, to become prototyped during the game, right? yeah. i remember now.

20. thats.. about it? idk anything else, nothing is coming back to me apart from the shit above. huh.... im surprised how quickly things do come back to you the moment you rant about the plot tho.... handy trick.

cool. neat. fun. this took me too long. but im glad i remember a little bit.

[hadeestown]

i watched the heathers on riverdale episode and listened to the soundtrack on spotify and i have a lot of things to say

FIRST OF ALL @ riverdale fandom dont freaking attack me for saying these. just being frank with yall

also the only actors whose names i know of are kj apa, cole sprouse, lili reinhart, camila mendes, and casey cott

BEAUTIFUL

- CASEY COTT,,,,he saved this song he should’ve just sang it alone - they made it so PG they didnt even include the fREAK SLUT CRIPPLE HOMO HOMO HOMO - okay camila sounded okay - kj apa,,,honey youre cute but pls stop singing - josie can sing but like,,,not for musicals - can everyone pls get the emotions right in this song thEYRE LITERALLY SINGING ABOUT HOW HIGH SCHOOL FREAKING SUCKS AND THEYRE ALL "just not today! :D" or "just not today *seductive wink*" - the autotune in lili's verse knjkACN - cole's voice is so deep he sounds like he wants to die - "why do i act like such a creep" whoever sang that im sorry but youre terribly fla t - so many wasted harmonies - "aHhh HEAther hEAther aNd hEATher" why falsetto - "lets make her beautiful" rip harmonies "okAY? okay?" rip falsetto uGh - cheryl can sing but i dont know something's wrong,,, probably autotune - "you hope you dream you pray ANd you GEt yoUR wAY" autotune count: ive lost count - The riverdale producers giving casey cott the high veronica notes is one of the few things they got right in this episode

CANDY STORE - heathers 101 lyrics knAKJCNJA i want to die - they can say biotch but not dick huh - the orchestration's weird,,,but okay - GO PLAY DUCK DUCK GOOSE - ICE CREAM - the first verse was okay then autotuned kicked in - the verses are pretty okay - i want more emotion pls just,,, sound bitchier - "SEE YOU DONT HAVE IT WATCH THIS" HACKNASCKJA IM CACKLING - rip harmonies in 2nd chorus,,,,those were great but they probably didnt find a person who can do the crazy mcnamara notes huh - DOORKNOB - cheryl youre struggling with the bridge - "kEEP ON TESTING ME *lower octave* and end up like her" oof whERE ARE THE HIGH MCNAMARA NOTES - i didnt understand the chandler riff what was that about - rip harmonies aGAIN this song had a lOT of amazing harmonies and they,,,threw it away

FIGHT FOR ME - josie honey youre terribly autotuned - kj apa kjnSCJNKANCKJA why - everything's so autotuned i dont even know what's real and what's not - i kinda like the end harmonies,,that's it tho

BIG FUN - okay orchestration's great - again with the heathers 101 lyrics jNCKSNAJC dont do heathers if you arent bold enough to curse on tv - rip harmonies,,,,,,,,,nobody did like the high notes jesus christ - convenient that they have a character named "Veronica" in the show - i dont know if thats camila's real voice but it did sound nice,,,however, i still believe it's autotUNED - once again, they gave casey cott the high veronica notes "i FEEL LIKE BONO AT LIVE AID" - "take a picTURE I'LL NEED PROOF" who the hell said that he sounded so monotone and emotionless like he forgot at the last minute he had to say a line - awkward silence for the part "i broUGHT SPARKLING CIDER :D" - no context "danG DANG DIGGITY DANG DANG" hAJKCSJNAC me initimidating my enemies - once again, akward silence for the dialogues - dang dang diggity dang dang everything's so autotuned - thE INSTRUMENTAL'S SO LOUD probably to mask the fact that most of the cast werent *cough* vocally trained

DEAD GIRL WALKING - what THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT TINY HARP SOUND AT THE INTRO OF DGW ANKCSJACI CHOKED - a u t o t u n e d  girl walking - the instrumental got better - i see they went with like pianos and shit and not mostly electric guitar for the guitar solo riffs - "ALL HOPE IS GONE IM A DEAD GIRL WALKING IM ON YOUR LAWN" gurl,,,youre in school,,,and there is no window lock,,,,,,, - heATHERS 101 lYRICS KASNKCJANSCKA - "had to see yOU HOPE I DIDNT WAKE YOU" bitch youre all awake in school - i cant listen to this song anymore without hearing the weird hair swishes and sound effects - "that works for me" yall monotone as hELL like yall dont wanna have intense sex just,,,okay sex - "hoWD YOU FIND MY ADDRESS" none of the lyrics make sense bc uhm,,,,theyRE IN SCHOOL - "i think you tore my mattress" gurl is chill as hell where is the concern over the mattress AHAHFANKCC - at least the guy sounded a bit hornier than the other girl - goodbye intense barrett notes - AHAHAHHAA they yeeted away from the G#5 - it's just like G#4??? - the other girl doesnt sound shes enjoying the sex huh - the guy who did the jd riff at the end,,,,hMMM pretty good but is it auTOTUNED??? the question remains - i can tell the whole song's like,,,autotuned but if just a little bit, toni sounded actually great

OUR LOVE IS GOD - the cult girl is not showing any emotion,,,,she's like reciting the lyrics hDJCKAJ - casey cott sounds great but autotuned ruined his voice - harmonies sound great actually - the instrumental is inTENSELY loud as HELL again - "they die becauSE THEY SAY THEY MUST" no context bc jD did not kill anyone in this scene - the ending harmonies were great

SEVENTEEN - fuck me i liked this the first time i heard it - im biased probably bc i love seventeen knKSCAJ - intro instrumental sounded a bit off key - cole pls dont sound dead - lili sounds great - SEVANTEEN - cole redeemed himself in the harmony chorus - is this shit autotuned???? bitch - SEvANTEEN (Cole Sprouse, 2019) - okay one thing's for sure, the tonight part is dEFINITELY AuTOTUnED - the toni girl is intensely autotuned wtf

LIFEBOAT - WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSTRUMENTAL - IT SOUNDS LIKE A NEW SONG LIKE LIFEBOAT WHO?? - I HATE IT - camila you dont sound oppressed - where's the emotion,,,,,elle mclemore who???? - i think the high notes are autotuned???????????????? whats new - I THOUGHT I WAS CAPTAIN - okay lyric change to fit the plot but,,,weird nonetheless - again,,,fuck this instrumental

SEVENTEEN REPRISE - in the episode, it looks weird as hell bc like random cast members are singing it when VERONICA and MARTHA should be singing it - hello??? chandler kurt and ram should be dead yet theyre still on stage???? fully clothed??? singing with everyone else????? - the producers DID NOT watch the musical - "martha are you free tonight?" - the girl playing veronica sawyer sings as she stares out into the audience and not at martha bc riverdale isnt about to cast a fat girl and give a fat girl some screentime on their show - KJ APA PLS - also cheryl,,,pls - a u t o tu n e - the song doesnt make any sense anymore bc it's taken out of context to fit the plot,,, - theyre all singing to an invisible martha - at least the harmonies sound decent fiNALLY - hello head voice - "TAKE oFF OUR SHOES AND DANCe" - the ending "BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL" i could not hear the girls bc they were all. singing. in. head. voice. or was it falsetto??? - im so done with this

OVERALL - what's the point of doing a heathers episode if yall aint gonna stick to the musical - i get that it has to be aligned with the show's plot but,,,,okay you do you - the people playing JD and Veronica were totally ignored bc like some songs meant for them werent even sung by them lmaooOOOO what is this - to summarize: AUTOTUNE - heathers kidz bop version by riverdale (2019) - im honestly just thirsty for new heathers content so i forced myself to live through this - costumes look cute tho - ALSO in their heathers promo poster, josie is wearing her veronica sawyer costume,,,,i dont recall seeing her wear that except for the last scene in seventeen (reprise) - basically seventeen (reprise) was a mess,,, - im judging them so much as if i can do better,,,,,,,,but whatever

IN CONCLUSION - they shouldve learned from their carie episode that musical episodes arent meant for riverdale - at this point, i dont even know what's autotuned and what's real

[michaelmilkers]

how do you feel about kin - like, people who kin to cope with depersonalization or identity issues, not like "if you're this kin you're fake because that's me" or factkin

i havent mentioned this on here but i am what you would consider a kinnie and have been for like four?? years and like. yall gotta believe me when i say it wasnt always Like This and i genuinely dont know when being kin devolved into what it is now

like back in my day kin tumblr was its own entirely separate sphere and like the rest of tumblr knew about it but nobody outside of kin tumblr ever really talked about kin tumblr except for the plethora of anti-kin blogs who were for some reason really fucking obsessed with it (and i still wonder to this day how you can run an entire blog about that,,, like i get making a post or two but like jesus)

there were always some weirdos and some people who went apeshit over doubles but tbh fictionkin was a minority???? like the main community was otherkin/therians. and it like baffles me that a lot of people nowadays associate the term “kin” exclusively with fictionkin and some people dont even know about the distinction

i really genuinely dont know how it turned into what it is now and its kind of sad. like there used to be an actual community and we minded our own business yknow. but now i dont even interact with people in the community because approximately 50% of the time if i start up a conversation with someone under the assumption that theyre kin bc they said they were and i talk about my experiences they think im a fucking nutjob because they were just doing it for fun or thought it meant Really Really liking a character or something and so all my shit is Too Much. 

and like the thing is kin people arent actually as crazy as people act like they are. even the weirder ones. like i said before everybody always minded their own business and kept it within the community. kin drama never happened as much as people say it does and when it did most of the assholes were kind of shunned by everyone else.

also tbh i never really got why komaeda is like the epitome of kin considering dr2 came out in 2012 and danganronpa was never even on the list of like top 10 most popular canons

i wanna say the rise of undertale had something to do with it but hell i have an undertale kin (its none of the main characters so dont ask me) and was even in an undertalekin skype group until it got raided by people from 4chan and none of them were especially wacko either they were all nice too

i dunno. idk why im even going on about this this is just something that has genuinely bothered me for the last year or two and im kinda really really over kin jokes and who casual everyone is about the topic.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yallnve realized by now that this is a fulltime 100% narnia blog...and as i havent slept since finding out someone somewhere was set on making "the silver chair" into a movie & the dynamic world of narnalysis is the best i can offer,

first of all im like.........ya rly gonna just jump into the silv chair!! im not really interested w the details on what anyone plans to do with the content b/c i donno, ive never been really interested in the book. not because its like bad or anything, actually it's probably the most cinematic in terms of things actually happening at a steady rate. i just like what i like, maybe because its sort of lower scale? whatever. its not like its hard to make into a movie i dont think, is what im saying. that would be either the horse and his boy or prince caspian, probably the latter b/c like a genuine 1/3 of it is an expository flashback. but all of the books are bit tricky to adapt coz theyre just short, you have to pad basically all of them in some way or another. but sure. silver chair. w/e

the thing is that you Have to assume despite starting afresh that theyre doing this one since the first three books have been recently filmed? and this being the fourth. but How Are You Going To Just Jump Into This One. thats an awful lot of exposition thats being built on, at this point in the game we're neck deep in the Lore. you'd really just have to have read the previous books or at least seen the movies. are they counting on the audience to have done that? but at the same time its really not fair to fully rely on that. in the book you can go "read the other books" and wave it off in a sentence of "and then they explained it all" which does tend to happen in the actual text a fair amt. its a bit awkward in movie form though? its a plot point right off that eustace knows who prince/king caspian is. so then you have to sum up dawn treader. and that has to do with what happened in prince caspian, in which the plot of lww is pretty important. like, alright, possibly you could just explain tvotdt & take it from the perspective of the girl who doesnt know crap about narnia yet? but thats not nearly as good a starting point as lww. on account of that ones meant to be a starting point! i'll see scholastic / any publishings that try to push magician's nephew as the first book In Hell, frankly. strongest narnpinion right there. the published order over the chronological order

anyways i'm sure it can be figured out, its just.......Interesting to think how the silver chair intro might be made into Intro To Narnia v.2.0? will they even try or will it be "ok but seriously just have read the books or whatever before you come in here." mystery unfolds

another thing thats interesting is that lww is clearly abt like, hey kids here's a version of the resurrection for you. whereas silver chair doesnt have anything to do w any Biblical Events at all (tho of course neither does prince caspian, tvotdt, or the horse & his boy). it is instead about how atheists will try to steal your firstborns for.................reasons. (no reason, theyre just evil.) this one is just a major amplified version of another particularly ridiculous CS Lewis Apologism Favorite that runs through the books: that when it comes to having no Faith (in aslan but you know also the abrahamic god) everyone who doubts aslan/god is like, actively lying to themselves, because they have that Gut Feeling telling themself that their faith is not only whats righteous but also whats true. the gut feeling of truth is a big theme in the books, shit hinges on it all the time and makes doubt all Clearly Sinful instead of a reasonable result of aslan effing off for centuries or whatever. and speaking of, god only knows if lewis is really suggesting that real life doubt or nonreligiousness is 100% populated by people who are clenching their fists like "i know in my heart jesus is real but i dont want to believe it so i won't, damnit!" which yknow makes no sense for like....life, and uh? i dont know what its supposed to mean for like....other religions? i dont think he's about putting the nuance that not every concept of religious Faith is the same as in christianity into this book, i dunno abt his thoughts irl. lord knows its a mystery how he thinks that "if jesus wasnt lying and jesus wasnt Insane then christianity is real" argument means anything. nothing in the world fits that argument for finding out if something is true or not........and also it hinges on that concept of "insanity" which......like.......i'm sure is all about nice 1940s ideas of how "insane" people act. its shit, throw it out, i mean. and besides? as though theres a Logic argument to prove christianity as truth? have you just Solved religion, lewis? have you? sometimes, i swear..

anyhow so in the silver chair its just a big ol festival of his "atheists are lying to themselves" and "atheism starts by someone who Knows The Truth (jesus is real) lying to others, likely aka the devil or whatever, and the stand-in for the devil is a witch again." and lewis really seems fond of the allegory of the cave. smh! like, in that allegory "knowing" that your faith is true is impossible! but youre also out here arguing its logically provable? and don't forget the gut feelings thing. but it makes NO sense for him to drop it into this book universe because in this allegory the prince captured by atheists & the protags are people who have hopped into the cave and seen the sun and shit!! they dont need to be the people who have only ever seen shadows who need to be convinced that an outside world can exist!!! bitch!!! get your allegory in order. silver chair just.....lord. the lying babysnatching atheists

a n y w a y s . . . thats a weird conflict to put in your third act, and its also a weird argument to make re christianity, that even though you acknowledge its impossible to know that your faith is in something thats real, you're willing to risk it? its sort of like that idea that you might as well be religious even if you dont "believe" any religion is true, because you lose nothing and potentially gain both comfort in life and reward in an afterlife. but its kind of a big deal in christianity that you're supposed to believe that what you believe in Is Literally Real. maybe apologists are allowed to do that sort of thing in their arguments, i suppose. its like in the last battle where he has a dude who believes in another deity accepted into the christian afterlife b/c despite a lack of belief, his virtuous nature is, from a practical standpoint, accepted to be for all intents and purposes to be equivalent to having believed in the christian god, like if he happened to follow all other rules except the Believing In Jesus one then he's good to go anyhow. interesting in that its also supposed to be pretty vital in christianity that one has to accept jesus as god in order to be Saved all up into heaven! i suppose that guy in the book was meant to have been converted right before death or whatever. at that point its very unclear who is exactly dead or not, but probably everyone. still, aslan clearly makes the argument that "basically you might as well have been believing in me, so you're good to go." fascinating stuff. another one to ask lewis abt

uhhhh another point is that i think theyre intending to make other movies also? but not all four remaining ones!! and if i had to guess which one they'd be leaving out uhh lets say....the horse & his boy....................which conveniently is the other sort of sparsely plotted one. two kids ride horses towards narnia, briefly have to have a shenanigansy undercover sneak through a crowded city, ride towards narnia some more, and then one of them stays at some guys house while the other kid goes into narnian battle where he himself doesnt actually do anything, but that fact is described pretty funnily. its still sort of a fun one, on account of the sneaking around hijinx, and the fact that it happens to give ANY of the details of what tf the pevensies did for like the twenty years they reigned over narnia's golden age which the lww just tells you absolutely n o t h i n g about! the answer is: a lot of battling probably, on account of narnia went from being ruled for a century by someone who could kill you in a second and also why would you have invaded narnia at that time, it wouldve been like trying to invade russia. but then a bunch of kids took the throne and upended the whole system and the snow went away, it seems like a destabilizey time to invade or whatever. imo. but then again they mightve bought themselves a few years on account of aslan having shown up and all. but lbr, they were just put into battle right off and coronated three seconds later, theres no reason on that front that they wouldnt shy away from having more battles. and the books said there were a lot of battles. and in thahb, its like, well we've been battling a lot lately and now we're in shenanigans and we'll just have to battle our way out of it, which they absolutely do. edmund straight up decapitates a guy. how ARE they supposed to just transition immediately into english schoolchildren after a couple decades of that mess??? they even have the fancy courtly speech. its magic i suppose

the point is its kind of a fun book, oh also, aslan is TOP shenanigans in this one. he straight up actually attacks one of the protagonists, for Reasons, but still. not that he doesn't murder the pevensies in the last book. i mean, i guess you could argue that its just like Divine Coincidence where what with the unaligned timelines betwixt england and narnia, aslan couldve just picked the moment everyone was gonna die anyway and just tossed them over to X point in time in narnia. but I Donno.....im kinda with that university student who's stressing about whether aslan cause ww2 for the purpose of sending the pevensies to the wardrobe. like, that train accident that killed everybody killed four people on the platform & five people on the train in different carriages and everything, or maybe the numbers are switched because i dont remember where lucy was. im saying, that was a hell of a crash. but sure. anyhow, even more fun, aslan appears as a cat to the Other protag while he's spending a night on the edge of the wilderness, and scratches him for saying he once threw rocks at a stray cat. like, hard #same, aslan!!! wtf dude why arent YOU being claimed by satan

whats also fun is that it doesn't really take place in narnia, which is also the reason besides pacing that you wouldnt really want to make this one into a film? because uhhhh the whole worldbuilding lewis crapt upon everyone for calormen is clearly racist as fuccck. if you arent already familiar with all the books (namely this one and i suppose the last battle) then its like.....i guess its some sort of vague notion of the ottoman empire? its really just a mashup of any number of white-english-variety racist notions. everyone is brown, is it an inaccurate stab at an amorphous amalgam of middle eastern culture? east asian? are people islamic or hindu? just try and guess what he was going for because its just. not based on anyone needing to know anything about reality. lewis was against seasoning food i guess, because it will mention i guess like, people cooking with onions like the heathens they are. (spoilers: this country just exists in the narniaverse to represent Those Heathens). its not necessarily an Evil place, they are noble savages ok!! with their formal seriousness and cutthroat customs.......b/c they are not as advanced and peaceful as the white northern christians, see. closer to the less developed violence of their inherently backwards ways and Cruel Society reigned by violence DONT CONVERT OR YOU'LL DIE, KIDS. but also.....you wont be white? the reason of calormens existence is really never explained. telmarines came from englandverse on accident thru a magic portal just lying around, possibly thats whats meant to have happened there too? its never attempted to be explained. anyways its basically the intro to the disney aladdin.

lewis is entirely inconsistent and self contradictory all throughout the series for the sake of the authors convenience. this is part of what makes the stories fun and the worldbuilding charming. it is also what allows him to pull stunts that have you pinching the bridge of your nose in exasperation and writing out essays to try to figure out how narnia is supposed to work. it is also what allows him, five books in, to be like, "here is the country to the south where the demon-worshipping gross scary brown uncivilized folk sit around hating narnia and confirming any racist notion you have about any nonwhite nonchristian country or culture." thanks, clive

its of course ludicrous and, of course, the protagonist shasta just so happens to be white despite being raised calormene. spoilers, he is narnian. or really from archenland, which isnt narnia but is still white and pro-narnia so its alright. i mean, technically narnia is allied with calormen at all points in time of the series? calormen just quietly tries an invasion in that book and also in the last book. so thats interesting. i suppose lewis is anti-crusades, which is big of him. the pevs arent out here trying to conquer calormen and convert them to narnianism. so that must not be the Destiny of the true christian? or are we meant to believe calormenes are beyond help? shasta who is of course secretly not "really" calormene is still representing someone undergoing "conversion," yet again, the guy is white. i suppose being brown is whats hopeless?

theres an inadvertently laughable line at the start of the book where a calormene expositorially points out that shasta is white by comparing him to the "accursed but beautiful" narnians. who are all white? is he just talking about the pevensies? the archenlanders (i cant remember where theyre meant to have come from either.) are like, all humanoid narnian natives white?? wtf, aslan. anyways, the dialogue is unnatural and funny enough, but its also like.....ok lewis, we got it, whiteness is the standard for all universes and everyone wishes they were white. stupid, sexy narnians.

what alllllmost suggests that being a poc isnt an automatic fastpass to hell is that im fairly sure the second protagonist aravis is a nonwhite calormene?? i dont remember it ever saying she was "fair" like the narnians the way the book immediately points out that shasta is. she is of course escaping an arranged marriage (the calormene plot to sort of vaguely try to invade narnia is also based on forcing susan to marry a dude she doesnt like yet who she apparently genuinely considered as a suitor when he wasnt acting like a jerk? so not only a dude who isnt white but a dude who isnt aslanian christian. its a whole complicating element to just toss out in this otherwise flat af worldbuilding, dude!! not to mention? despite the battles and shit, susan was out here considering marriage? how absolutely fucked up would it have been if any of them married and then effed off back to england. moving along) but she is from the start portrayed as equally sympathetically as shasta and nothing about her is pointed out as being Bad and Reprehensible, which the narration has no qualms about doing. she even gets to spend some time with her calormene friend, who is not exactly meant to be as sympathetic or noble but certainly isnt portrayed as at all evil. like...theres at least the occasional exception apparently, in which maybe not every person is inherently evil and violent and cruel. who knows

also aravis definitely later marries the white protag?? but apparently interracial marriage isnt entirely Unthinkable here. wait, also, aravis claims to be somehow a direct descendant of the calormene god tash? first of all, is that true, comma, possible? in the last book its confirmed that tash is real, albeit, like, a demon. dunno what c.s. is telling us with that one. is aravis related to a demon. we can only guess on account of the theme of Inconsistency

anyways. i suppose you could make it into a movie if you just threw out the racist shit. but the "calormen is also distinguished from narnia via its religion" element is also a touch janky. can it be thrown out too? if they intend to produce the last battle, will it be thrown out then. it kind of comes up again. if you get rid of those elements though, the stakes get a little blurrier and more political and more "wait well why would they have any beef with each other in the first place" if you cant just easily point out that the calormenes are shaking their fists at the narnians and their demon worship and their jealousy at not being white. again, are all centaurs white or something? wtf

truly calormene is the most racist ass shit in the whole series, but the concept comes up in less painfully direct ways other times, too. why are there native species in narnia that are considered inherently evil?? sure, the white witch as the stand-in for the devil wasn't originally from narnia. was she creating shit too? i dont remember what she was up to on account of i havent read the magicians nephew in a hot minute. i know they had to take a pegasus into a garden of eden type shit to smoke her out of wherever she was lurking for some reason or another. still. whys there whole types of creatures who are universally and unilaterally condemned? i know we're meant to believe that they just have evil intent according to their nature, but uh....theres no point at which any of these creatures are given a chance? maybe they served the white witch because she was nice to them for once. you're not given the chance to know. EXCEPT for the fact that you get shit like: giants are evil save for the occasional exception, like in lww when a "good" giant is described as having like, a long family line, and "traditions." not like Those Sorts. they do talk in like prince caspian and shit, when their numbers are miserable and theyre discussing tactics, whether to get help from the gross hags and harpies and etc and ppl will talk about Those People and Sorts and Rabble and its like...jfc. b/c apparently sommme of them can be decent! if theyre a giant or whatever. and meanwhile the dwarfs are always chaotic neutral or whatever. not believing in aslan but not necessarily being anti-narnia coz they live there. but sometimes being good guys!! but sometimes being bad guys, and jadis was cool to them apparently. like.................theres definitely cases of Types of narnians who fall outside the "born good / born bad" system, and thats pretty fucked. wolves too? theyre the Talking Beasts aslan definitely created, but on the side of the white witch? how was she having trees be on her side, too? whats going on around here. whats the moral meant to be. smh

uhh well anyhow, you could do a nice essay on gender re narnia. on account of sometimes its staleass typical sexist tropes like uhh, say,, the devil stand-ins keep being women? witches, ok. and the idea of "women need to be protected as pure creatures" as a basic sexist notion, and even lewis taking a relatively subdued jab at the idea of calling that sexist. susan being the miniature mom character type, and of course the infamous last battle bit where, in an attempt to describe her lack of spirituality as a self-insert of what lewis considered his own period of fake maturity via rejection of christianity, she's of course not only described as not believing in narnia (which????? what is anyone supposed to make of that. again, in the allegory of the cave shit, she's been outside the cave!!! she lived in narnia for YEARS AND YEARS and then WENT BACK. how are we supposed to believe she just convinced herself it wasnt literally real? its not quite the same as someone losing their faith in christianity.) but as like, wearing makeup, damn her. even if he wasnt trying to make the point that "look at boys and go to hell" which, i suppose he couldnt, as in narnia susan was being courted just fine as queen, yet i suppose also she didnt marry anyone—anyways, of course its still sexist to slight the way she decides to dress as some form of false maturity, even if its meant to be metaphor. just clumsy af & not great when again, devils are always witches around here. and being younger is to be more spiritually pure which like............mmm ok. this is sort of another one of those weirdly sexless fantasy universes, why do those keep happening. i mean sure this is a christian fairy tale for kids. but nobody even gets married save for in the last paragraphs of a couple books. its left a bit ambiguous whether thats even spiritually acceptable in the narnia rules, unless its to Continue the Line a la the telmarine monarchy from caspian the first to tirian the whateverth. hm

but also of course you get the young girl characters being...somewhat almost allowed to fight (archery mainly) but anyways at least being given equal status to the boys who are there also. theres even mention of once apparently narnia being ruled by a queen w no kings around. fantastic. and theres some non-witch lady characters on occasion. the human characters are where the dynamics are most at, i suppose, but anyways this at least has some nuance & at times seems to go just a bit beyond what you might expect from some old dude in the 50s. still not that surprising or innovative, but not completely flat, and seeming to contain at least a little reflection upon the topic

the essay of race re: narnia would be really short though. Its Racist Af. if you threw classism in too, you might get a bit more length out of it. but really its just so flat in this subject, and totally needless. there's the fact that even narnia is ruled by white english people but.....you can really do without juxtaposing this with the heinous nonwhite country somewhere over there. the rest of the books operate just fine w/o this

tolkien mentioned HIS scary brown backwards civilization to the south a lot more fleetingly in lotr but its....v much the same worldbuilding as narnia??? aka middle earth is pretty much an imaginary proto-england where you dont want to go too far east or south or you run into dangerous &/or inherently evil territory!! ok, jrr.....who was the other people in the inklings?? what did they write. could no one rein these guys in. coz lewis is over here with his Alternate Universe england. with uhhhh wilderness to the north and west and the dangerous evilish racismland to the south. and the ocean and dont forget narnia is a flat earth to the east. also? why are the lone islands like that. can aslan take care of some of that shit. for gods sake. anyways. the all-white good guys / evil poc should be thrown out of everything, thats not what makes the worldbuilding in either lotr or chronarnia at all interesting. yet is it is surely a subsection of the inherent Englishness of both examples........it warrants analysis but not "carrying on into films or anything based on either's precedence in the fantasy genre."

god who knows what im talking about at this point. im just saying "if they arent looking to even bother trying to wrangle the horse and his boy into something not ludicrously racist then i wouldnt be at all surprised." still, do you suppose theres like a curse where unless all narnia books are given some sort of film adaptation, the world won't know peace? more likely the world would end, maybe. the curse of clive. i dont really remember but that elder bbc series sure didnt cover the whole saga

well this is long enough but lets all set off in more endless, doomed narnalysis, such as

my thesis on trying to figure out what. the Fuck any reader is supposed to make out of edmund's role in the lww

whats the deal with merpeople?!

where are all these witches coming from, anyways

seriously if the narnians were just less murderous to the Undesirable species would they have been on the pro-aslan side all along

if there was only two humans staying in narnia at its birth, wouldnt their line like, die out immediately with their kid.

where did the archenlanders come from

where did the calormenes come from

oh yeah and like. are we seriously meant to believe that, at the end of the world, when aslan reveals that being goodnatured supercedes having the Wrong Religion, there is only one calormene in all of a) current existence and b) history who fits the bill? really. why even bring it up, then.

how did narnians react to their four monarchs completely disappearing......for real.....and what happened to the line to the throne?? was there just no ruler until the telmarines came in and took things over for the rest of the few centuries or whatevs.

when was that deep magic in lww written? at the start of narnia? coz thats the magicians nephew. again, how tf did the white witch get any leverage in that one. how was that supposed to be a good idea. wtf. see my thesis

whats the white witch supposed to represent as a stand-in for the devil? not helping that i dont remember the details of magicians nephew for shit, but she's definitely in the Multiverse lore of narnia as being from a different world as narnia and england. wtf is like...her nature

how weird is it in narnia that you have a god who drops in confused alien children to both go on personal journeys and save the world? is narnia-aslan/earth-jesus also dropping other children from other worlds into other other worlds? via other forms? hmm

lewis is all but inviting us the readers to be filling in the blanks with narnia fic. he's basically like, outright actually inviting fic with people wanting to speculate what happens with susan, who must inevitably return to narnia as lewis intends her to represent his own departure from (and obvious inevitable return to) christianity

a weird detail that is also never elaborated on: in addition to the narrator freely inserting loads of opinions into the narration, there's a time or two its made clear that like, the narrator has gotten this info from interviewing the characters. how'd you know about that last battle, "they all died and this happened in the afterlife" shit, huh. just another weird element

sussing out other lewispinions, like how he hates all schools apparently

narnia vs middle earth!! both quasi englands, both pre industrialization, both with christ figures running around some more than others, both with the need for rightful kings, totally different roles for humans tho. well, thats the whole comparison

and, inevitably, more.

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.

[tumblunni]

ah no its okay! its just the achievement system being weird! You get the achievement for gathering evidence A right after gathering it, but only get the achievement for evidence B during the actual ending for some reason. Phewwww okay! But man its getting a bit annoying replaying the final scene trying to figure out the precise order to possess everyone to get certain endings. Its annoying cos there’s a long cutscene before it, and even though this game has a super fast skip feature you have to keep hitting the button for like a minute each time. Wish it could have at least been something you hold down instead :P oww my wrist ehh I guess I’ll pause here and wait a bit before going for the true ending. I’m gonna look up a guide cos its so frustrating having all the evidence and not knowing the right order to do it in, gahhh! And there’s so many trip ups where itll send you immediately into one of the bad endings, and then if you present too many pieces of evidence you get a bad ending and GAHHHH! How can I leave out half of these evidences and find other ones that say the same thing in less words?? Also it seems I might have to completely replay the final chapter cos the requirement for the golden-failure ending is to get everything for the golden ending except one thing. Its the only ending that cant be gotten after you get all the evidence, you can get all the other bad ones by messing up this final minigame :P gahhhhhh :P

Anyway RAMBLING ABOUT THE BAD ENDINGS SO FAR AND HOW GREAT THEY ARE (by which I mean DEPRESSING):

* Oh godddddd It wasnt ferdinand was it?? I mean if you get that ending then everyone acts as if it was him, but it didnt seem very believeable?? The ending is so quick and weird. Its definately a bad ending. You get it from presenting just one piece of evidence during the final minigame, and then ferdinand never confesses and honestly his alternate suggestion makes a fuckin lotta sense! When Donavan shoots him he confesses that he’s actually a conman that snuck onto the ship with false papers to steal stuff, but then Donavan is like ‘NO. YOU ARE THE KILLER.’ and shoots him dead anyway. And everyone is just like.. ‘umm.. i guess... he was the killer...?’ and it just ends! I really dont think he was the killer, I think he was just a petty criminal instead. or if he WAS the killer, we didnt really prove it here, we didnt find the real truth. That was just executing a scapegoat because we didnt solve the mystery. Tho it would be incredibly ironic if we get the true ending and it turns out he WAS a serial killer! option to actually deduce it was him, option to not deduce anything and just accidentally shoot the right man XD Either way he is a creepy fuck and clearly evil even if he didnt kill anyone. Thats why I can believe that he was a misdirect and he’s just a different criminal who wasnt involved with the main plot. I was suspicious of him for AGES and I was so convinced he was the killer but now I’m really heckin not!

* The ultimate bad ending where you don’t pin anyone as the killer is just so depressing and messed up! Donavan turns into a monster himself in his pursuit of the killer, he’s got his guts hanging out and he knows someone in the room has to be the culprit but he doesnt have time. So he tries to kill EVERYONE just in case! Wow you lost every single one of those badass points you had when I first got to play as you, dude. I was actually happy you didnt die! Now I’m frickin glad to see you shoot yourself after shooting all my friends, you fuck! ‘Hey I avenged one person’s death by killing nine other innocent people but lol I got the criminal’. Godddd, I can see how he got to this point but man its impossible to be sympathetic even if its not like he’s evil. Jeeesus... And if anything its WORSE that he dies before he can finish off every single main character! Paulo survives in this one, along with Xu who feels like she deserved to die. And Paulo is so traumatized by everything that he becomes severely mentally ill and is only capable of repeating words people say at him, he doesnt even recognise anyone anymore and we dont even get to know if he gets treatment or if he could ever recover. We just see everyone huddled together on a lifeboat trying to make him wake up and crying that they deserved to die too... gahhh... WHY PAULO WHY Man, at least its better than how he doesnt even get a single line of dialogue in the other two bad endings, that was weird. I hope he gets an epilogue in the true ending at least! I cared about him the most! Oh and it really fuckin hurt how Quella and Darryl were murdered in reverse order, dear jesus. Darryl was fine with dying, but then Quella jumped in front of him to protect him and all it accomplished was that darryl actually cried for his own death before he got mowed down too. And their bodies were left holding each other! GAHHHHH And its even worse cos the dialogue kinda upgrades their friendship to some cute romantic tension in the bad endings where they survive, that just makes me love them more and then AAAAAA

* Oh and the third bad ending is really sneaky cos it seems like a true ending?? You discover who was behind the human trafficking and he gets a cathartic punishment and really the only clue it isnt the true ending is how ferdinand seems suspicious and it all wraps up a bit too quickly and all. I’m left wondering what on earth could be the extra thing in the true ending, like do we find out someone entirely else was involved in this, or do we get more of a proper reveal of how ferdinand was the serial killer and he gets actual karma instead of just being killed before anyone is even sure he really did it... BUT ANYWAY THIS BAD END THIS CULPRIT NOOOOOOOOOO God, I knew Ferdinand was probably the culprit but even with all the clues together I didnt realise the human trafficking was even happening, let alone who did it! IT WAS GRANDPA IT WAS GRANDPA ALL ALOOOOONG NOOOO I mean.. at least it wasnt the grandpa I liked best. Darryl is totally innocent. But it was the more clearly a grandpa dude, the one you cant even debate is actually fifty. WHY GRANDPA WHY Gah, at least now I have an excuse why for once I didnt like a grandpa character. He always did seem like a bit of a suspicious asshole, even if I also believed a lot of what he said and never thought he’d be THAT evil! like.. god. Even if his sympathetic backstory is true he just fuckin destroyed it by reacting this way to it. Hell, i dont even trust its true though, i feel like it likely his wife divorced him for very good reasons after seeing what his personality really is in this ending. His kids are fuckin lucky theyre never gonna see him again! GAHHHHH The cute grandpa who loves cats and GAHHHH he was drugging and transporting kidnapped tennage girls to be sold into sex slavery. And he justified it by saying ‘oh humans are all animals, my wife was like an animal to me, blablabla its just our base desire to be evil motherfuckers’. And even right to the end he didnt understand why we were all disgusted at him, he was like ‘okay you can stop lying now, you dont REALLY care about these random nameless victims, you just wanna get a cut of the profits! I can make you all fuckin’ rich, we can smooth this all over, right?’ its so fuckin sick cos he was faking concern throughout the whole damn minigame so clearly he DOES understand that some people are good, right? He has to understand what morality is, he’s just excusing himself by pretending all of humanity is inherantly the same as him! GOD it was satisfying to see him shot in the head mid sentence Tho still i wish for an ending where the culprits can go to prison and suffer forever for what they did, and nobody else has to die. Also i want some conclusion for Paulo And a proper goodbye scene for the protagonist instead of them just dissappearing after the last minigame with no fanfare at all :P

* Also wtf was up with the mystery ghost in the bathroom, then? They just ask you random personality quiz type questions once per chapter of the game, and get no conclusion or reveal of who they are. Did they just stay haunting the bathroom forever, unable to solve their own murder like the protagonist did? Thats depressing. I mean i could understand their lack of conclusion if they were just meant to be a tutorial character or something, but paulo does all that! And why do they say all those questions if your choices dont matter...??