#theres absolutely 0 critical thought that goes into it

[administer-distractions]

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[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #11: “i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know” - Ally

The F8 vote seemed to have worked out well for me. I believe I shifted the plan from voting Stephen to Jess as Jess has been socially great but I havent been able to develop a great personal relationship with her and our interests in the game seem to differ. I am kinda glad with my position rn tho I am pretty sure the jury hates me rn but my aim is to find a way to maneuver to the end. Stephen and Ally must be really upset with me for lying over and over again and I might be targeted soon.

i am on a train and so i decided i'll write a confessional.

after having time to think last night (misplaying my idol), here are my thoughts: yeah, it sucks. it definitely hurt my game more than it helped. i am now 10x more vulnerable in the game. but, i'm not regretful? i'm now in a less-stressed state, where if i'm going to leave, so be it. no one was really shocked (though some may be more angered at me), and it kinda helps clear a target on my back because i'm like... easy to beat.

now, let me talk about something. after thorough analysis, i believe i have the least likelihood of winning this game. that's fine. i'm not really mad about it. below i'll just provide why i think i can't win this game, and my personal view.

CHANCES OF MAKING IT TO FTC: to begin, my chances of making it to ftc is very limited. i'm in a state where i have no idol, and i must rely on competitions (at some point, not necessarily now). i honestly think i'm safe at F7, but i know in order to get into F2 (or F3), i'll probably need to win a few immunities (or hope people see me as the goat i am and.. dragggg me BAAAAA). other people in the category of 'limited' when it comes to making ftc are stephen/ally/alyssa. now, let's pretend i do win like 3 immunities and achieve that position at FTC. this has two outcomes. first being that i don't think the jury will majorly respect it. and secondly, well, i'll describe it in the points below.

CHANCES TO WIN (IF I REACH FTC): i think i have horrible chances at this rate. ever since jury started, my management of said people hasn't been the greatest. i don't entirely blame myself (though maybe i should), but i don't see stephen w./miguel/luke/jess being keen on voting me. i think the most grossest(word choice?) of those are miguel. he's going to be emotional/bitter, and kind of rightfully so - i did vote him out. but i also got targeted in the first place for trying to save him. i put my blood, sweat, tears into trying to let him live and... well... i couldn't do it. and, in my personal opinion, that should outweigh me voting him. so as of now, i think i have 0/4 locks. i could see current players voting for me depending on how the game goes (i.e ally, alyssa, karthik) but that's so iffy to really count on. now a quick analysis of other players: alyssa - i think she's by far the strongest middle player/has been the swing vote in various instances. though bitterness may be an outcome, she's played a dominating game. ally/stephen - minority. they are going to have stephen w./luke/jess practically on lock, and even miguel to some extent. they are the underdogs that even i would be rooting for if i were on jury. tim/karthik - both are better middle players than i am. they are always the go-tos to make a move. maybe this is a bad thing for them (and by default, good for me) because they are seen as 'goats' or something. i doubt that though. they have more agency, and though i once again don't think that's at MY fault, it ultimately detriments my game. jake - jake has continually been targeted due to being a flexible, snakey threat. though he may not be doing the absolute most strategically/etc., he has that perception of ''winner'' and ''big player'', which alone can carry a lot of brownie points when it comes to voting.

CONCLUSION: So i think my chances to win are the lowest odds because of my inability to guarantee FTC for myself, and even if i do, i ain't going to be a strong contender to win unless the jury comes around to my busted ass game.

- okay, i want to talk about my personal thoughts on this.

i don't think i played the best. but, i don't blame myself for being in this shitty situation. wait. to specify, i don't blame myself for being hated by jury/players. i DO blame myself for being in the shitty position and limited chances of making FTC, which has factors including my prejury comp strength (there was strategy w/ that but i'll talk abt that another time.

my chances have sucked ever since jury started. stephen w. and i were never on a tribe together, and though i was a 'threat', i didn't flip. i did consider it however, but that isn't enough credit for him. it wasn't smart to work with him considering he was targeting me, but that's valid to not vote me in the end. miguel is a loyal and emotional person, 100% valid. i did not meet those terms at the end of the day, and that's only on me i guess. luke showed no loyalty to me and so i reciprocated the fakeness. we never worked together. jess, i DID try to work with, but she rejected that just to kinda blame it on me and so i voted her out. i have no friends on jury, and the earlier jurors are the most critical to some degree (because they can become an unit or something and start rallying campaigns for people).

my lack of agency, which is my biggest in-game flaw, isn't my fault directly. i tried to be extra social and show willingness to flip. of the 5 Kato2.0 members, i think i was easily the most willing to change up the game. karthik/tim have lied numerous times about flipping, and jake has done so prior. i haven't. maybe i should have, and i would be in a position, but i wanted to maintain this veil of honesty that like i was opened 2 working w them, even if NOW wasn't the time. the voted me and then only talked to me abt my vote when they needed me. i have to be missing something. this isn't a bad thing on MY game when others dont want to work with me, but i cant figure out the missing piece. maybe someones lying about what i'm doing and pitting people against me (good on them). maybe i did something really bad. but, it's a struggle. i thought i was playing so well but now i'm in a position of... hopelessness. i don't have any strong friends in the game. tim's probably the closest to me. i'm just... i'm unsure.

-

i want to talk about the future of this game real quick. this round, i anticipate ally/stephen will target one of me/alyssa/jake. tim wants to target alyssa (according to him) so i can see her being targeted. i'm unsure if that's how i'll vote, but i'm thinking. i think, if i am lucky + smart enough, that i'll make f5 easily. if alyssa goes, theres no way ppl would keep ally/stephen both til f5 considering they are minority n have that sway over the jury. put in that position, im the strongest physically. if ally goes F7 (or stephen), then jake/alyssa are a duo i can spearhead to break up. but, if alyssa has two idols, shes final 4 and well . it's over . but maybe she'd idol out like karthik or smthing n then me/tim/stephen vote out alyssa/jake and... yea. there's some hope for me but it's VERY circumstantial.

my brain hurts lol sorry

So last night I was BRUTALLY blindsided. And it's kinda late in the game for that to still be happening! This is way worse than Miguel or Luke leaving. Karth, Tim, Zach and Alyssa all overtly lied to me about their plans and votes. Granted, I also lied to Alyssa so there's that.

Karth, Tim, and Zach all hit me with the "but we're allies now that you proved you're honest" and I'm rolling with it because I don't have much of a choice. Ally wants to try something with Alyssa/Jake but I'm not exactly holding my breath. I won't buy anything until people start coming to me with real plans. At least Zach's idol is gone so others might be more tempted to make a move on him now.

Being voted most honest was something I ABSOLUTELY capitalized off of. I used it to try and get Alyssa on my side by telling her Stephen said she's next if Zach wins (even though she went and mentioned my name) I used it to blatantly lie to Jess and Stephen and Im using it now to do damage control with Stephen

Honestly the reason I voted Jess was very strategic. If Stephen was gone then Jess could weave her way into an alliance with Alyssa and Jake whereas Stephen would not. Stephen is still a big threat to win and with him here it means that he'll possibly take priority over me. Because honestly who wants Stephen at f3??? Who wants Zach at f3??? Who wants Ally at f3?? They MAY want Alyssa at f3 which is why she's my next target Stephen: Its not smart for me to go against you guys either way

Me: I already know this lmaoo you want me in your f3 duh

Im gonna go ahead and be overzealous when i say this may be the first game where I make f3.

I feel like I've played my cards correctly and If it works out how I want.. i could win/ get 2nd. I can literally destroy and discredit Karthik's game in a matter of seconds so I'm not concerned and Jake's game thusfar has been straightforward. If I can survive this round then I can make it to the end of the game. Omg if its a f2 instead of a f3 i will scream. I'm being too hopeful rn lol.

AHHHHH BITCHESSS I WON IMMUNITYYYY. Poverty was on my side. (I'm not poor lmao). I feel great and I definetely needed to win it considering the fact that my name was mentioned last round. Oh I also sent Karthik to the basement in hopes of finding something buy I also sent him there so that I wont make a target out of Alyssa and break any potential bonds there.

Now originally I made an ellaborate plan to vote out Alyssa but I've done quite a bit of talking to Stephen regarding my position as well as everyone's position in the game.  I'm torn between trying to get the vote on Alyssa or going with Ally, Karthik, and Stephen and voting oyt Zach. We will see.

I have a plan for this vote tonight and I think it’ll work. We’re gonna split the votes and if Stephen or ally goes, I think I’ve set myself up for s really good game. Of course anything can happen, but as long as I don’t get blindsided, I feel good about the rest of the game. Of course, that being said, anything can happen and this is Survivor

Thinking about how this could be my last day in the game is crazy. I'm relying on Tim and Karth to hold up their end of the deal to vote Zach out tonight. If it works, everything will change. I'll suddenly be in a real alliance for the first time in awhile. I don't plan on letting go of the numbers once I have them, but I really don't know if I even have them. Karth was my closest ally since Day 1 and he lied to me and sent out my next closest ally. I believe Tim has been leaking information I was posting in the 4-elements chat for awhile now. And I am definitely the target of at least 3/7 people heading into this tribal according to Tim.

Basically, everything should be seen as a negative right about now. But that's not how I see it. Playing from the bottom could be an amazing opportunity for me. I believe with Zach finally leaving, the 2 duos on the other side will finally have to point fingers at each other rather than doing everything behind the scenes. Then I'm just a little bit farther away from the end. Maybe I can still win this thing.

Of course, I could also go home 5-2 if Karth and Tim are just lying. But I think I've convinced them that keeping me is best for their game. Or maybe it's just that Alyssa and Zach come across as too threatening We even discussed possible endgame scenarios where I go to F3 with them. I wouldn't quite go that far with both of them after all the scheming and plotting on their end but hey, one of them can come along for the ride ;). Assuming I don't go home which is still totally possible LADSHSJKDHDKJHKSDJ

it’s rly quiet lol

i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know

like... i’ve already been lied to and blindsided so many times that it’s hard to care or have high expectations at this point

i’m voting zach, afaik everyone else is down but again that could be a lie or he could have another idol idfk

i’m only loyal to stephen now idc abt any of these ppl

Ally is voted out in a 4-3 vote. She becomes the fifth member of our jury.

[automatismoateo]

Why is religion not considered a mental illness given how many criteria of mental illness it fulfills? via /r/atheism

Submitted May 02, 2017 at 10:18PM by rejectedstrawberry (Via reddit http://ift.tt/2pFiOsQ) Why is religion not considered a mental illness given how many criteria of mental illness it fulfills?

I got banned from r/explainmelikeimfive for 56 days for this post, So i guess im asking my question here

this is NOT to shit on religious people, i am genuinely curious.

so ive been thinking about this and i cant wrap my head around how accepted religion is as a normal day to day thing, when things like schizophrenia are not. it appears that the only practical difference between many mental illnesses and "cultural practices" is how socially accepted they are.

definition of mental illness from DSM-4 (i did not use 5 as its significantly longer, and essentially the same for this posts purposes)

A mental disorder is a clinically significant behavioral or psychological syndrome or pattern that occurs in an individual and that is associated with present distress or disability or with a significantly increased risk of suffering death, pain, disability, or an important loss of freedom

It appears to me that religion hits many of these points overall;

a lot of religious people feel significant distress if they do not perceive themselves as good followers/believers of their religion, a lot also fear going to hell, something that we have 0 proof of existing.

many religious people who rigorously follow their doctrine lose a lot of freedom of what they can actually do, If by some means they do something that is not acceptable in their religion this often leads to emotional suffering - a little bit like OCD. This goes as far as causing distress from even having unacceptable thoughts. Religious people also tend to stop "thinking", their worldview becomes very black and white and often entirely dictated by what is written in their religious text, this is very noticeable in religions like islam, less so in others for the moment.

many religious people act horrendously towards their fellow human beings - much like someone having a violent psychotic episode, going as far as shunning people who may be LGBT or otherwise not following their faith, raping them, killing and torturing them - something that a sane human being would not do.

the definition of delusion is believing in something that is not true and ignoring evidence to the contrary; there is no evidence that any god of any religion exists, that there is an afterlife, or absolutely anything reinforcing any religion on the planet. Nevertheless people choose to believe what various writings say at face value without being able to critically analyze its content, and not only that but they actually do what the text tells them to do. To me it seems like this is either pure delusion, or alternatively underdeveloped brains not being capable of critically analyzing content they read. many religious people cannot be convinced rationally that god is not real as there is no evidence to suggest otherwise as they either ignore you, dont believe you, or flat out attempt to kill you in some cases.

Some religious people claim to hear the voice of god and that their actions are guided by god. This is essentially schizophrenia, if i told a psychiatrist that a chair is talking to me, i would be diagnosed as schizophrenic, but claiming that it is gods voice is considered acceptable.

many religious people care a surprising amount of what other people do with their lives, even going as far as cutting family members (even children) out of their lives if they do not live as the parents religion says they should. While i cant find a specific disorder to link this behaviour to, im willing to bet that extreme control issues are generally considered mentally unhealthy, theres probably even a disorder for this.

From what i can see, the only reason religion is not considered a mental illness, is simply that it is common enough and socially acceptable enough where people dont wish to upset the religious people.

edit: "not all religious people are like that" is NOT an argument, a psychotic person who isnt violent is still psychotic. a depressed person who is smiling is still depressed.