#except then i didnt sleep and still had to come to school

[i-cant-sing]

Just thinking about Yandere Todoroki clan and reader's random moments.

Reader coming home after a particularly bad day, but poor girl cant even cry or complain without everyone immediately overreacting and pulling you out of school/college or even keeping you from going out at all. So now, reader has to either cry in self pity before she enters her home, wipe her tears and fix herself just enough to show that she hadnt just bawled her eyes out moments ago. That, or do the more risky thing and go home, go to your room and cry under the covers, but then theres always the chance of Rei or the others walking in on you any moment.

Also thinking about baby/toddler reader being sick, just a common cold or flu, nothing major. But with reader whining and being so young, the family's infantalisation goes through the roof and theyd treat you as if you were immunocompromised. I wont lie, but I think Rei is almost kinda... glad when you get sick? She enjoys you being dependant on her for the most things, even when you grow up and are able to handle a cold, she still deludes herself into thinking that you need mommy to come and help you.

I think the one person who is most affected by reader getting sick, no matter what age, is Enji. The man just cant help but view you as a fragile, starving Victorian child the moment you fall ill. In his eyes, even a harsh blow of air is too much for a fragile thing like you, let alone something as bad as the flu. He just- he's holding toddler reader in his arms, who snuggles into his warm body, your tiny nose pink and he cant get the image of you crying and vomiting and being oh so feverish- thats just way too much for your small body. Oh how he almost cried when he took you to the doctor for a shot and you clung to him, trying to bury yourself into him as you begged him to make you feel better, cried to him that you didnt want to get the "big scary needle!" He just had to hold you there in his firm grip as you writhed, had to look away when you looked at him and he saw the feeling of betrayal in your eyes, had to keep himself from not strangling the fucking doctor for not being careful, had to walk out of the clinic and hand you to Rei because he couldnt hear you cry anymore, had to have Rei console both you and Enji (assuring him that "no, Enji. Y/n doesnt resent you for making her get a shot.") and he couldnt even sleep a wink that night because he was standing by your bed, holding your tiny hand with his pinky as a tear finally slipped out of his eye.

ALSO thinking about adult reader going out of the house to meet up with friends, except shes meeting up with them at a club instead of at their house like she told Enji and Rei, and now shes standing outside, abandoned by said friends, and shes now running because a group of pervy men are chasing her and she doesnt know who to call, so she just speed dials Shotou, except someone just changed all your speed dials to one number, and you think youre doomed when Shotou doesnt say a word to you and just hangs up when within minutes, someone comes in front of you-

"Dabi?" He tells you to cover your ears and look away, and you know well by know what that means, so you obey, feeling a bit regretful as those men begin to scream in agony. You dont know how long its been until Dabi pulls your hands away and examines your wounds. He lets you crash into his chest as you sob, and this time, Dabi simply decides to take you home quietly without a lecture.

Hmmm, also thinking about Natsuo who is usually cool as a cucumber, the most normal being in the family, except for his very rare episodes of unbridled rage where he suddenly becomes the Hulk. Good thing for you is that this anger is never directed towards you, rather towards people who actively threaten your life (except Rei cause she gets to play "Im your mom who became mentally unstable because of your abusive dad") The only time NAtsuo is stern with you is when it comes to your health. He's just looking at you with those strict eyes when you refuse to take your multivitamins, or dont want to get a flu shot, or try to make up an excuse so that he cant check your vitals. And when he just grabs your wrist and pulls you to sit down so that he can do his checkup, its in those moments that you realise just how strong your brother is... and how easy it may be for him to overpower you and sedate you if he ever followed through Rei's threats.

[eggcompany]

Divorced Zaundads AU

Except they get back together after years of being apart.

Silco grew his business, renting a big empty apartment that didn’t smell like their old apartment above the bar. He mostly just sat on his little balcony and smoked cigarettes. He spent all his time alone, doing yoga in his living room and eating salad. Food didnt taste good when he made it. Nothing felt good if he was doing it by himself.

Vander raised little Violet and baby Powder. He tried his best but he felt kinda… empty. He was stressed and did his best working the bar and taking the kids to school and trying to keep the apartment clean. He sometimes still grabbed four plates for dinner.

Everything falls into place one day, after three years. Silco’s in a bad place. He’d been drinking and yelling at employees and just spending every minute out of the office sitting in the dark of his apartment. Vander was burnt out, going through the motions. He just wanted to sleep all the time.

Silco decided he’d go to the place him and Vander used to go to. The bridge. He threw on his coat, wearing his slippers and wrinkled silk pajamas, and went out to smoke a cigar and over look the river.

Vander decided he needed to go on a walk, get some fresh air. Benzo had agreed to babysit AKA sleep in the recliner in the apartment living room just in case one of the girls woke up. He ended up at the river, the bridge, the one where he asked Silco to spend their lives together.

Silco didn’t notice him until Vander was leaning against the guardrail next to him. He could’ve cried. He was warm and the smell of him was so bone deep familiar. Silco didn’t mean to let the sob out.

“I missed you. I miss you so fucking much it’s killing me.” Silco said as Vander pulled him into a hug, so close, so tight. Vander held onto him like he’d never let go, nosing at his dark hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just- I need you.” Vander said and Silco nodded, hands twisting in Vander’s jacket.

Silco was being pushed away, his hands coming up to wipe away his tears before Vander was leaning down to press a kiss onto his lips. Neither of them knew who started it but soon they were making their way to the closest motel.

It was a blur of familiar hands, clothes hitting the floor, whispered ‘I love you’s, and what they both needed. The intimacy of being with someone who knows every inch, every good spot, everything.

Vander kissed across the scar on Silco’s face, the mark he’d caused, even as Silco cried, the feeling of being full, for the first time in so long, he could feel Vander’s heartbeat, his sorrow.

“I wanna go home.” Silco said as they laid together in the motel bed, cuddled close, satisfied and happy.

“I what you home. It’s where you belong.” Vander said and pulled Silco impossibly closer.

When the morning rolled around Silco put his pajamas back on and his coat, a giddy, teenage kinda laughter filled them as they put their clothes on and left the motel. It was a flower bloomed again for the first time in the spring.

The girls were happy when their papa came back. Powder clinging to his pant leg, violet was a little more withheld. Silco understood. The scars and his eye, she was afraid of him. It was okay.

Soon he let his lease end and their apartment, the one that they were always supposed to have, was bright and back to the way it was supposed to be.

[thatonewritersomewhere]

Cat's Game

Warnings: Fluff, dating, smut (blowjob, fingering, p in v, creampie, aftercare)

Summary: College au, aged up characters, Kirishima x fem!reader, Kirishima is somewhat of a soft dom - partners for a project becomes... something else...

Word Count: 6.2k

____________________________________________

"The partners for your project will be posted on the board at the beginning of tomorrow's class," Mr. Aizawa drawled in a tired voice, as usual. You wondered if he got any sleep, ever. The class collectively gathered their things and got up from their seats. 

With your things in your bag, you walked out of the school and to the local coffee shop nearby, since you and Mina had planned for a day together after school. She had another class before she was done, so you grabbed out your laptop and started looking at possible topics for your research project. It was a National History Day project, except your teacher had to make it mandatory. And of course, you couldn't even choose your partners. 'I just hope I get a good partner,' you thought. 

This year's theme for the project was "Turning Points in History", so a lot of major events that had a lot of evidence would be pretty good. You started to write out a list of events that would be good, when Mina walked through the door and into the shop. 

"Mina!" You called out to her, getting up to give her a hug. You both have been super busy this school year, so it always feels great when you get to see each other after a while. In the embrace, you could tell she smelled like bubblegum, her favorite perfume. She wore white dress pants with a pink blouse, and her hair was down. She is one of the most fashionable people you know, and always lives up to that. 

"You look so good today!" You told her, gesturing at her outfit. 

"Thank you! You do too!" she said. Your outfit was not at nice as hers - just some lighter jeans with a long pink sweater on. It was funny that you were matching, without coordinating at all. 

You waved her over to the table you were at, a smaller booth in the back of the shop. It was cute, and had multiple like this one - closed off on 3 sides, cute small pillows on the booth seats, and a large lamp hanging overhead. It was actually a really nice place to study. 

You two sat down, and you closed your laptop as you moved back to where you were sitting. 

"So how have you been? Is there any new tea?" Mina asked, a smirk poking at her lips. 

"I don't know," you said. "Nothing new with people right now, thank goodness." Your luck with drama was not always the best, as it usually was more negative.  Thankfully, though, there hasn't been much drama at all, so it's been good so far, and you told her this. 

"There is this huge project we have to do for my history class, and the partners are assigned. I just hope I get someone good for that." 

"Well, that's good," she said, her smile sweet. "I hope that any drama that comes your way is good drama that you can tell me about, and I hope your partner is who you hope it is," she said, and her sweet smile quickly became a smirk. You both laughed. 

There wasn't anyone on your mind that came up at her comment, but you hoped that soon someone could fill that void. 

The next class finally rolled around, and so the partners were posted on the board at the beginning of class. Since everyone was already crowded around the paper, you decided to set down your things and then come back. You maneuvered your way around the people that were done looking at it, and found yourself in front of the paper. You scrolled down the list of names. 

Denki Kaminari, Sero Hanta

Bakugo Katsuki, Izuku Midoriya

Yn/Ln, Eijiro Kirishima

Kyoka Jiro, Momo Yaoyurozu

You didnt look much after that, since you saw your own name. If you were being completely honest, you didn't know a lot of these people name-to-face. You would have to find Kirishima, whoever that was. The hope that they were someone good still remained in the back of your mind as you looked around the classroom, walking back to your seat. 

Once Mr. Aizawa started calling out attendance, an idea popped up in your head. You would have to pay attention to figure out who Kirishima was, especially since they would be one of the first ones to get called. A few moments passed until you finally heard Mr. Aizawa call out their name. You looked around the room to find that the person who responded was a bright red-haired guy towards the back of the class. 

You realized you would have to talk to him after class, and your anxiety shot up. 'I need to push through this and just talk to him,' you thought to yourself. Calming yourself, you took out your laptop to take some notes on the requirements for the project. You didn't want to look, but you hoped that he was taking some notes of his own at least. 

After you made a whole rubric and watched a few videos, you felt more prepared about the requirements. 

"The next few classes will be structured so that you are learning about National History Day and the requirements for the project, because apparently I have to show you those. Also that way you aren't learning anything new while also trying to do this entire project," Mr. Aizawa stated, his tone laced with boredom and fatigue. Contrastingly, his statement brought a few smiles to the students. Class time for a project would be a great way to get ahead on it. 

Tentatively, you raised your hand. 

"Yes, Ms. L/N?" Mr. Aizawa asked. 

"I was wondering if we would be able to move closer to our partners so that we could use this time to work with them?" you asked, your voice a lot quieter than it normally was. 

"Yes, you may," he answered. "As long as you are still quiet and not making too much noise. This is supposed to be a lecture class, so it's supposed to be quiet except for me, but I'm nice today."

A nice smile was brought to your lips, despite the anxious butterflies flitting around in your stomach. You snuck a glance back up at Kirishima, and found that he was looking at you as well. Quickly you turned away, your cheeks flushing red. You realized that you needed to talk to him, though, and turned back around. 

"Do you want me to move up there?" you mouthed at him. He gave you a thumbs up and a smile in response. 

"Okay, you may get started," Mr. Aizawa told the class. You packed up your things other than your open laptop and got up from your seat to move closer to Kirishima. 

"Hi," you said as you placed your laptop down in the seat next to him. 

"Hi," he replied. Out of the corner of your eye you saw that he was looking you up and down. Your skin erupted with goosebumps, and you set down your bag behind the seat. You pulled the chair next to him out and sat down, re-logging into your laptop. 

"Do you know what topic you want to do?" you asked Kirishima, turning to him. On your laptop was open the list of different topics you thought might be good. 

"Right to business, huh?" he chuckled, taking a glance at your laptop. You laughed with him. 

"Well, we have the time now, I'd rather use it and have to work less outside of class," you explained. 

"That's... valid," he decided. "I wasn't quite sure yet, was there anything you had in mind?" 

"Well..." you began. 

The two of you ended up going with the Civil Rights Movement, which wasn't exactly the least common topic, but it was perfect for the theme of the project and you had decided that you were going to make the best presentation you could possibly make. Soon, though, the clock was close to the time the bell rang, and so you had decided to wrap up. 

"Since we're partners for this project, do you wanna work on it outside of class? This might be the only class time we have to work on it," you told him. 

"Yeah, that's fine," Kirishima said. 

"Okay great," you paused, opening your phone. "Do you wanna put your number in and I can text you?" 

"Yeah, sure," he said, taking your phone from your hand offering it to him. Quickly he typed in his number and his name, and then handed back your phone. It wasn't a moment too soon, either, because the bell rang right then. 

"Awesome, thank you!" Closing your laptop and putting it in your bag, you shot a sweet smile at Kirishima. This time, he smiled back. 

The walk back to your place wasn't that bad, and with his smile in your mind, you felt like you were back in no time.

That night you couldn't sleep. Turning over, you checked the clock, and it read: 

1:03

You groaned as you turned back over. You had been doing so all night, and you were tired of it. You turned on your phone to see if you had any notifications. There weren't. 

'Oh shoot,' you said aloud in the dark. Of course there weren't going to be any notifications. First of all, it was 1AM, and second of all, you were the one who had his number. Not the other way around. You went to contacts and found his name. You clicked on the info button and went to message. 

'Hey, it's Y/N - can't sleep so I figured I'd text you even if you aren't up - if you see this, I was wondering if you are free tomorrow after class to work together for a bit on our project? If not it's fine, just let me know. Thanks!' You sat there with the message in the draft box, not yet sent. Finally, your 1AM self decided that it would be a great idea and sent the message. You closed the app and turned off your phone, setting it down on the nightstand next to you. Turning over once again, you closed your eyes and tried to sleep. 23 minutes later, you received a message. You grabbed your phone off of the nightstand to open a text from Kirishima: 

'Yeah, of course - I have practice but I am definitely free after that. Couldn't sleep either btw' Kirishima responded. 

The butterflies came out of their cocoons in your stomach at his response. You tried to calm the butterflies as you responded, but it was tough when you were trying to schedule studying with him. 

'Okay, when does practice end for you?' you asked. 

You saw the typing bubble pop up after he read your question. 

'Around 7:30' he answered. 

'Jeez, that's kinda late' you replied. 7:30 would be around dinner, possibly after depending on when you made it. 

'Yeah, if you're cool with that?' he asked. 

Probably making a bad decision, you replied: 'Yeah, sure - my place' 

'Ok cool' he answered quickly. 

':)' Ending the conversation, you sent an emoji, put your phone down, and went to attempt to sleep again. 

The next day went by extremely slow. 

You weren't exactly happy about the late study time, but you weren't exactly opposed, either. Throughout the day, though, you watched as the time ticked by, taking as long as it possibly could, it seems. Your classes never seemed to end, the assignments and lectures dragged on and didn't help to pass the time, either. Finally, though, you were able to pack up your things and get back to your place. On your way home, you texted Kirishima your address. He probably wouldn't see it, but it will be there when he's done with practice. 

When you got home, you rewrote your notes from your classes and got started on a few papers and assignments. Once you were done, you got started on making dinner, which was around 7. You weren't exactly the best cook, so it took you a lot longer to make things, but you got it done. 

You had started the sauce for spaghetti, when you heard the doorbell ring. Your roomates wouldn't be home tonight, since they were going to a party. Expecting only one person to be at the door, you walked over and opened it. 

There he was. Kirishima. And he was... wet?

"Sorry I'm late, I had to shower after practice," he said. "Took me a bit longer than I wanted to." 

Quickly you glanced over at the clock to see what time it was. Chuckling, you said, "It's not even 8 yet."

"Oh, shit, my clocks run a bit fast. Forgot about that," he replied sheepishly.

"That's okay," you said, moving aside so he could step through. As he did, you took your split second of a chance to glance at him up and down. He was dressed comfortably (you couldn't blame him, he was just coming from practice) in sweatpants and a black t-shirt. The t-shirt was school merch, with the logo printed large on the front. 

He walked in enough to close the door, so once you did, you started walking back to the kitchen where you were finishing up making dinner. 

"You can sit down in here if you want, you don't have to be a lurker," you told him, chuckling. "None of the girls are gonna be home tonight, so we have some privacy." 

"Oh, sorry," he said. "I didn't want to intrude."

"That's fine, you're in here now, so you might as well get comfortable. Plus, I'm almost done with spaghetti if you want some," you offered. 

"I might take you up on that offer," he said. While you stirred the sauce, you could hear him behind you sitting in one of the seats at the counter. Your laptop and a few paper sources were also over on the counter. 

A few minutes later, the sauce was done, and the noodles were now in the strainer in the sink. 

"How much do you want?" you asked Kirishima. 

"I can get it," he said. "I don't want to take too much." 

"Okay," you said, grabbing out plates from the cabinet. You left the door open so that he could grab one too, and you went to grab your own food. 

You sat down at the counter where your laptop was, and when he came and sat down next to you, he said, "Wow, this looks really good y/n. Thank you."

"Of course," you replied. 

Since it was already late, the study session went by pretty fast. The two of you were getting a lot of work done. 

When you took a pause, you glanced over at the clock, which read: 11:24

"Oh my gosh, you need to get back and get some sleep!" you exclaimed, not realizing how long you had been working for. "We have been working for way too long!" 

"It's fine, no worries," he reassured you. "You do too, though, okay?" His gaze was soft as he looked at your panicked face. He must have been tired after almost 3 hours of work, plus it being after practice. This was normal for you, but you didn't know if it was for him. His soft gaze had to have been from tiredness, you told yourself, trying to push the butterflies and blush away. 

"Okay, I will, but you need to get home first." You told him. 

"Alright," he decided. 

Even though his room was within walking distance from yours, you drove him home (because it was so late, you told yourself. Definitely not because you like him). In the walk back to his room from your car, you both listened to the light sounds of the night. It was sweet and calming after studying for so long. 

"Thanks for coming over and working with me," you told Kirishima. 

"Thank you for inviting me, and your spaghetti was great, too," he told you. 

"Definitely. We should do this again," you suggested. 

"For sure. Maybe my place next time?" he asked. 

"Yeah, sure." 

"Awesome. I'll text you."

His last glance at you of the night was one where he was smiling, and it filled you up with a warmth inside that you couldn't get rid of all the way home. That warmth helped you to sleep better than you had most nights at school yet. 

3 weeks later and almost completely done with your project, you closed your laptop for the night. Kirishima was next to you, finishing up his last bit he needed for the presentation. 

"This Friday was a bit rough, huh?" Kirishima asked you. 

"Yeah, definitely. Classes lately have not been fun," you replied, a small smile sneaking onto your face. 

"Glad we're almost done, though - this project will definitely be worth it once we're entirely finished," he commented. 

"I did enjoy spending this time together, though," you said, trying to bring a positive aspect back to the topic.

"Same, I'm really glad we're partners," Kirishima said, his face flushing a pink where normally you never saw that. He turned away quickly, and you did too, smiling a bit at his blush. 

Tonight you were dressed a bit nicer, since you were coming from dinner with an old friend, and you decided not to change. He was dressed nicer too, but you weren't quite sure why. It was definitely getting to you though, since normally you both dressed casual when you studied together. 

"Hey," he said, clearing his throat. "Um, so normally I would ask if you wanted to study sometime this weekend, but since we're almost done with the project, would you like to go on a date with me instead?" 

Immediately your heart swelled, suddenly your stomach was filled with hundreds of flitting butterflies and your face was hot, blush lighting up your face with red. 

"Yes, I would love to," you said, the wave of joy finally breaking with a huge ecstatic smile on your face. 

Kirishima's face lit up with red, almost as bright as his fiery hair. He proceeded to celebrate by jumping into the air as high as he could, pumping his fists in the air. 

"YES! Okay, awesome!" He almost yelled, his excitement making you giggle. 

"Okay, I'll pick you up tomorrow, then?"

"Yes, I'm free tomorrow so that should be okay," you told him, a cheesy grin stuck on your face. "Text me any other details I might need, okay?" 

"Okay, awesome," he replied, his excitement still clearly showing on his face, also still bright red as well. 

Soon after that he drove home, and when he stepped out the door to leave, you closed the door and pressed your back against it, standing there for a minute with a wild grin. Your emotions were running high, and you stepped away from the door only to jump around cheering in your front hallway for a bit. 

The next day was the longest you have ever been through. He texted you in the morning that he was going to pick you up at 6, and that you could dress casual (because you asked him what you needed to wear). However, after waking up at 8 with a free day ahead of you, you didn't know what to do with yourself. Somehow, though, you managed to fill your day (partly because you were in a call with Mina half the morning, describing the situation and her giving you advice) and you were ready by 5:30 for Kirishima to arrive. You had decided to wear a dressier t-shirt with leggings. 

Before 6:00 rolled around, Kirishima got to your place and walked up to your door, and before he got to knock on it (he took a second to hype himself up before he knocked on your door), you opened it and saw him standing there in a cute white shirt with black pants on. The outfit accentuated his figure well, and you could tell he was strong, and his muscles were toned. His bright red hair was fluffy, like he normally has it, and he donned a cute smile as he checked you out as well. 

"Wow... you look really pretty," he said, blush creeping onto his cheeks. Your eyes were planted on his, and you could see he couldnt take his off of your shirt, which was a low, V-cut shirt and helped to show off your cleavage a bit. 

You laughed as you replied, "Thank you, you do too." 

This finally brought his eyes back up to your face, and the blush that was creeping up just onto his cheeks now covered his entire face as he realized he was totally caught. 

"I'm sorry, you just... your outfit is- it's-" he stuttered, trying to explain himself.

"It's okay, I'm the one who wore the outfit," you told him. "Come on, take me where you want to, Kiri," you walked out the door and past him. 

After a second he followed you back to his car, and he unlocked it so you both could get in. 

The ride there wasn't very long, so you only got through a bit of small talk before you saw he was taking you to a mini-put course. You smiled as the memories of the last few times you had gone mini-putting, and you thought it was very cute that it would also be your first date with Kirishima. 

The man who checked the two of you in was old, and he could tell that you were on a date together. He had a very dopey smile on while you both got putters and balls, and when you were walking out the door, he called, "Have fun, you lovebirds!" When the door shut, both of your faces were bright red, but you looked at each other and burst out into laughter.

Still laughing, you walked over to the first hole. This one was probably the easiest, being the most straightforward with only a few obstacles. After that, though, it only got harder. 

The theme of the place was cute - it was a bit plain, being that it was outdoors-themed, with a few water features, but it was cute and it was fun. There were only a couple other people there, one group being a cute older couple that was almost done by the time you and Kirishima had started, and the other group being a small family that was about mid-way through the course. It was nice, though, because it meant that the two of you could go at your own pace, and talk about the things you wanted to, and just have fun together without any interruptions. 

At each hole, you tried to get Kiri to go first so that you could stand behind him and sneak a few looks. Sometimes it worked, but other times he would catch you and laugh, or he would refuse (so that he could do the same thing, even though you definitely caught him more times than he caught you). 

The evening was filled with laughter, teasing, and fun, and in the end, you both tied. At the last hole, Kirishima was in the lead by 1, and his first putt missed the hole by inches. He ended with 2 on the last hole. When your last turn came up, you gave it your best shot, even though you thought you weren't going to win. Your ball ended up making it in one shot, and when you went to pick up your ball out of the hole, Kirishima was there, his mouth wide open in shock. In the adrenaline of your comeback, you walked over to him. 

"Cat's game," you whispered in his ear, planted a quick kiss on his cheek, and gently closed his jaw as you did so. 

Quickly you walked back into the check-in building, the heat in your cheeks rising extremely fast after that. You put back your ball and putter, told the older man that you would be right back, and rushed to the restroom. While you were in there, you took a second and washed your hands, calming yourself down. 

You hadn't bothered to see if Kirishima followed you into the building, so when he burst into the bathroom, you were only half shocked. The shock only hit you when you turned around, your back to the sink, and he grabs your hips.

"Can I kiss you?" He asks, his face red with blush, his voice deep, but a little desperate.

"Yes," you responded, your voice shaky with shock and emotion. The clash of his lips against yours was electric, sparking throughout your body. One of his hands reaches up to your cheek, while the other stays at your hip. Slowly, the one at your hip moves from its position towards your stomach, where he slides his hand underneath your shirt and up, his thumb brushing against the bottom of your cleavage. At the same time, he moves his lips from yours and towards your jaw, moving down to your neck. He finds your sweet spot and begins to suck, earning a small moan from you. 

"Kiri.." you start, but trail off when he continues. 

"Don't worry, no one's coming," he says, trying to reassure you. 

"Kiri, no," you pause, making him stop. "I want you, and I want more, I just don't want it here, in this bathroom at a mini-putt-course."

His bright red eyes change from hurt to confusion, to bright again when you tell him this. 

"Ohhh," he says, pulling away gently. "Shoot, and I still have to pay for the date, too. Good idea," he commends you, which earns a laughing smile from you both. 

Thankfully, when you leave the bathroom, the old man is turned around, reading something. Together, you walk up to the counter. Kiri pays for the time at the course, and together again you walk out and to his car. 

When you sit down, Kiri takes a second before he starts the car to move your hair out of your face and behind your ear. The contact is filled with electricity, and makes you shiver, only being able to hope he didn't notice. After putting the car into drive and pulling out of the parking lot, he puts his hand on your thigh, and you shiver even worse than you did seconds ago, goosebumps lighting up your skin. Discreetly, you try and close your knees to hide the heat pooling between your legs. You realize it doesn't quite work, though, when you see his smirk, and he proceeds to move his hand a bit further up. 

Once you get to his place, he moves his hand from your thigh to put the car in park, and you immediately miss the contact. You don't have to miss it for long, though, when you get inside.

The door barely closes before his hands and his lips are on you again, making your skin light up with electricity. He starts to suck on your sweet spot again, which also earns another moan from you. You can barely get out the next few words, he's making you feel so good already.

"Kiri.." you try to tell him. This time it works - his head perks up, ready to listen to you.

"Kiri, where is your room?"

The simple question ignites a fire in his eyes, lust being the fuel. Quickly and easily, he picks you up so that he is holding you by your thighs. You wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck to help him, and he takes you to his room.

Gently, he places you on the bed, where you take a breath before you kiss him again, pulling him down on top of you. He takes this and moves his hand onto you again, one on the bed by your head, the other carefully placed against your stomach. Your hands are in his hair, tugging and pulling it, showing him how much more you want.

Once again, he moves his hand up and under the bottom of your shirt, just underneath the cup of your bra, his thumb barely brushing it. The slight touch sparks electricity through your body, and it pools in your core.

You push back at his collar, and he lets you sit up enough to take off your shirt. His eyes are on you the whole time, and once you get it off, his jaw drops once more.

"Holy shit, you're beautiful," he says, still not taking his eyes off of you.

"Hold on a minute, though," he continues, once you reach out towards his collar again. "Are you sure you want this?"

The question brings back that warmth he shared from his smile weeks ago, and it was something even as simple as asking for consent. That warmth ensured that the fire burning inside of you right now would never go out.

"Kiri, I have wanted you since the first day we became partners for that project," you stated. "Yes, I am sure I want this."

"Okay, good, because I have, too," he says, and as you finally pull him down onto you, at the last second you flip him over so that he is on the bed and you're on top.

He grins wildly as you start unbuttoning his pants, and he helps you by taking off his shirt and tossing it to the side.

You pull down his boxers to reveal his erection, and his huge cock. Your core throbs at the sight, and you fight the urge to lick your lips, failing miserably.

When you place your lips around the tip of his length, Kiri throws his head back with a loud moan. Slowly, you start to bob your head up and down, sucking gently as you did. Your hand stroked the rest of him as well, and you could tell the sensation was doing lots of things to Kirishima. He was moaning so loud, you were sure the neighbors could hear, but you didn't want to stop. Kiri tried (and failed) not to thrust up into your throat, but you didn't mind it too much.

"Im.. so close-" he said, just a few seconds before you felt his white hot release in your mouth. When you were sure you had sucked him dry, you swallowed, earning yourself another groan and a wild grin from Kirishima.

"My turn," he said. He helps you to unclasp your bra, your cleavage falling out and bouncing in front of his face. Quickly he flipped you over, so that you were underneath him, your back against the bed. Contrastingly slow, he pulled your leggings down your legs, revealing your underwear and soaking pussy.

"Wow, all for me?" He started, pulling aside your underwear and rubbing a single finger through your folds. This immediately follows by a groan from you.

"Yes- Kiri, all for- for you," you just barely manage to stutter out once he puts that finger inside of you and starts to pump it in and out. The action makes you bite your lip, trying to stop the loud moans escaping you.

When Kiri sees this, he grabs your chin and pulls it to face him, still not stopping his fingers inside of you.

"Don't hide your voice, I want to hear every single sound you make tonight. And no one is going to hear but me," he says, and you let go, loud moans breaking free from your lips.

"Atta girl," he praises, which only goes down to your pussy, where he adds another finger inside of you now. He hits your G-spot every time, curling his fingers just so that he can get it. And he definitely does - you were close to your release.

"Kiri-" you warn, feeling the string of ecstacy being pulled tight, about to snap. "Don't stop-"

You gasp as your orgasm hits you like a waterfall, ecstacy and electricity rushing through you as that string snaps. You cum on his fingers, the stringy substance coating his fingers thickly. You ride your orgasm out on his fingers, and once you're done, he puts his fingers in his mouth and tastes your sweet release.

"You taste so fucking sweet," he praises you. You're still panting from your orgasm off his fingers, and it doesn't help when he pulls your underwear off your hips, tosses it to the floor, and pushes your legs up so that your knees are almost touching your shoulders.

He lines up his cock with your entrance, and your eyes widen as you realize you are about to take his monster of a cock inside you. He passes through your folds a few times before he slowly enters you, one inch at a time. He gets through just the tip before he stops so that you can adjust to the pleasant burn he gives you. Once you're adjusted well, he pushes inside of you just an inch further. He pushes down to the hilt inside of you, and you gasp again as his dick hits your cervix easily.

You adjust to the burn quickly, and thankfully because he begins to pump in and out of you, earning multiple pornographic moans from you. You can feel the buildup of pressure already, building up like a wall about to crash.

Kirishima drives into your pussy, moans releasing from both of you as you get closer to your high. His hands roam your body, one cupping and kneadind your breast and nipple, the other holding onto your waist.

He fucks into you harder and harder, faster and faster, until you can feel the cracks in the wall, a dam about to burst. Your moans mesh together as you both reach your high simultaneously. The dam breaks, erupting as his does too, resulting in a mix of his and your release together at the base of his cock, still hilt deep inside of you. Your legs shake from your release, and the last few pumps of your orgasms fall out of you both.

You lay on the bed in ecstacy as Kirishima pulls out of your ruined pussy, gets up from you and goes to the bathroom to cleanup. He comes back with a towel for you, and helps you to clean up the mess that is the two of you. Once he is done, he puts your previously discarded clothes into the hamper, and gives you a pair of shorts and a too-big shirt for you to wear, and he changes into a loose shirt and boxers as well. He helps you change, and when the two of you are done, he climbs into the bed next to you and places a kiss on your forehead.

"So, does this mean I'm your boyfriend now?" He whispers. You turn around and push his forehead lightly back to play with him.

"I think we need to play another game to determine that," you reply, a coy smile playing at your lips, despite recent events.

"Or..." Kiri trails off, trying to think of a comeback or an easier situation.

"Or... what?" You tease him, giggling as you watch his eyes light up with an idea.

"Or I could just fuck you again, except harder," he states, and this time you can't tell if he's serious or not.

"Harder?" You whisper, thinking about how he could possibly do that after what he did tonight.

"Yeah, although we might have to wait until the morning to do that, cause then you can walk," he says, his tone nothing but factual. He places one last kiss on your cheek this time, spooning you in the bed. The kiss makes the warmth inside of you burn brighter, never to go out again.

[landososcar]

so high school ; JB5

pairing(s) ; jude bellingham x singer!reader , jude bellingham x student!reader

summary ; twitters favourite new(ish) artist drops her new album right during her school year.

warnings ; nothinggggg & mainly just fluff bc i love happy people

note ; SORRY ITS SHORT AHHAHA, i’ll post a new lando fic soon i just have no inspiration… ignore any dates that are wrong or don’t match - im lazy. also this is VERYYYY LOOSLY based off so high school lol (it’s mainly the aristotle line)

instagram !

liked by judebellingham, taylorswift, and others

youruser surprise !!!!! as an end of term present (for myself🤭🥳) and in honour of knowing the loml for 15 years, here’s 15 new songs for you guys to (hopefully) enjoy 😊 noah, thank you for trusting me and letting me join you on what might be one of my favourite songs ever!! i loveeee youuuu. && to my jude<3 thank you for inspiring me every single day of our lives. i love you bigger than the whole sky 🩵🩵 (guys he’s actually v v talented and he helped me write scared of my guitar, hard to sleep, and feels like) j, you are my safe place and these songs — especially the ones i haven’t let you hear yet — are for you.

ps guys idk how to only write happy songs but jude is the only one who makes me feel safe enough to express my emotions through my songs 😁 i looooovvveee him and am NOT 🙅‍♀️ breaking up with him. he is stuck with me forever💞

‘the alchemy’ is YOURS tonight at midnight 💓

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user1 WHAT

user2 YOU CANT JUST DROP THIS ON US WTF

oliviarodrigo my girl💞💞 i’m so so soooo excited😭

user3 GIRL I KNOW YOU DIDNT JUST CALL THE ALBUM ‘the alchemy’ FOR NO REASON. WHERE TF IS THE TITLE TRACK I KNOW YOUVE GOT HER SOMEWHERE

youruser jude and i love the alchemy the most out of all the songs and wanna keep her just ours for a little bit longer but maybe if you guys enjoy these songs i’ll let you have my baby

user4 YNAJDKJSKDKDIS

user5 WHATTTT songs did she not let jude hear omfg i need to know

youruser he’s heard them all except for daylight, paper rings & so high school lollll

judebellingham refreshing my spotify every minute til midnight you guys don’t understand she’s kept these songs in a VAULT

user6 jude i know you love spotify but apple music get new music 10 minutes early xxx

judebellingham just made an apple music account

user7 TEN MINS TIL THE ALBUM OF THE YEAR DROPS

taylorswift so so proud of you beautiful 🩷🩷

judebellingham I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

judebellingham putting ALLLL of these on the pre-game playlist

youruser babe idk if some of these will pump you up before a game

judebellingham hearing your voice will pump me up idc how sad the song is xx

user8 why’s no one talking about how she’s in UNIVERSITY and dropped a FIFTEEN song album like …??? she’s INSANE. WHERE did she find the TIMEEE

user9 not to mention she lives with him in madrid and does school online coz her uni is in the uk

user10 she’s insane i don’t understand how😭😭

imessages !

instagram !

youruser just posted to their close friends story.

twitter !

instagram !

liked by judebellingham, trentarnold66, and others

youruser surprised my fav person in the uk for his england game and he scored for me 😆🩵🩵

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user1 she wrote “you know how to ball” and he said “yeah” then scored a goal and did a celebration for her😭

user2 zoom in on pic 6 and you’ll see me laying on the road waiting to be run over

judbellingham ‘unemployed girlfriend’ but you’re the greatest singer on earth while also doing online uni full time and you still make time to be able to come see me

youruser it’s coz i love you so so bad

jobebellingham you make me sick

youruser i love u too jobeyyyyyy

england our favourite visitor💙💙

user3 how does she do all this whilst going to uni😭😭😭

oliviarodrigo 💖💖💖

judebellingham I LOVVVEEEE YOUUUUU

user4 i NEED the top in pic 8 where is it from

youruser i found it on depop and HAD to buy it😭😭 i think someone made it x

chappellroan HOTTTTT (you not ur bf)

youruser I WOULD DIE FOR YOU MY WIFE💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

user5 i don’t understand how you write sad songs like the ones on your album if ur ‘in love with jude’

user6 jude deserves better than someone who’s so caught up on and still writes songs about her exes

user7 WHYS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS SHE POSTED ON TWITTER IM GOJNG INSANE

user8 LITERALLY?/!;!!/;@:8@ LIKE ??????? “WHERES THE TROPHY? HE JUST COMES RUNNING OVER TO ME” IS SO JUDE CODED WHEN Y/N IS AT LITERALLY ANY OF HIS GAMES

user7 EXACTLYYYYY HE ALWAYSSS RUNS TO HER IMMEDIATELY AFTER HES ALLOWED TO DO HIS OWN THING. ITS FUCKING ADORABLE

user8 IM SO GLAD SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME

user7 were both insane let’s get married

user8 dm me right now wife

youruser liked the comments in this thread

imessages !

instagram !

liked by taylorswift, jobebellingham, and others

youruser lol little life update coz i’ve been m.i.a. for the last almost two months. 1: i went blonde again. 2: my man still as fine as ever. 3: got engaged or whatever lol. 4: slaying up exams. 5: i miss tour so i decided imma come back and see you all soon 🤭🤭 tour dates soon <3

ps in honour of becoming fiance or whatever🤗 the alchemy and 4 other songs are yours on the deluxe version of ‘the alchemy’ ,, out tonight !!!

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user1 WHAT THE FUCK

user2 GIRL LET US BREATHE

harrykane juudddeeeeee!!! congrats🥳❤️

declanrice mr bellingham that is a ROCK

user3 SHE DISAPPEARED FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN CAME BACK AND DROPPED ALL OF RHAT ON HS

gracieabrams OMG WIFE IS GONNA BE A WIFE

user4 BLONDE YN IS BACK AND SHES A FIANCÉ OH MY GOD

judebellingham WIFE WIFE WIFE‼️‼️‼️

youruser not yet my love but so close🥰

judebellingham I CANT HEAR YOU MY WIFE IS AN ACADEMIC AND LYRICAL GENIUS

user5 she’s still writing break up and sad songs whilst engaged… so weird

user6 yeah and jude helps her,, he must be so disgusted right? seriously get a life and go touch grass

taylorswift so so happy for you 💓💓

youruser 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 i love you

user7 TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR

england juddeeeeee💙 sooo happy for you two

trentarnold ❤️❤️❤️

user8 how girl just gonna casually drop a ENGAGEMENT announcement in the middle of a photo dump

user9 REALLLL LIKE THATS A BIG ASS RING TOO

noahkahanmusic YESSSSS🤍🤍🤍🤍

user10 HOWWWW is miss girl gonna find time in her schedule to do uni, make music, keep a healthy relationship, AND TOUR

judebellingham mrs*

my other works !

[ferigrievous]

✦ 1040-SR. | ft. garou

m.list / wc ; 3.2k

-> synopsis: and when you whisper i love you, it’s not a plea. it’s a promise. one he doesn’t say back—but he stays. and that’s enough.

it was love before anything else. you met him in the spring with the rain on your lips and the sun warm on your skin, and all you could think was that he was the most beautiful thing in the world. you looked at him and thought ‘i would die for you.’  before you even knew his name.

and oh, you would have it no other way.

you’ve never been in love until now. in romance novels, they say something about the way the world goes still when you fall in love, but that wasn’t how it played out for you. your life started moving faster, faster, faster, with the way your heart raced when you saw him and your breath caught when he met your eyes. 

it became like this; you, and him, with the world as an afterthought.

your feelings have always been intense, strong and burning, like you can’t help but feel everything all at once, to the greatest extent you can. and it was like that with him, too. it was love,  a kind of intensity that left you reeling and almost dizzy, with the way it consumed you. as if you had lost all other thoughts beyond him.

it didnt happen all at once. it was a slow unraveling, thread by thread, until you looked down one day and realized you were already stripped bare. he started showing up with blood on his knuckles and bruises blooming down his arms, and you stopped asking where he'd been. there were unspoken rules between the two of you—don’t ask, don’t follow, don’t name what this is.

still, you learned the rhythms of him. the way he knocks twice on your window when he needed somewhere to sleep. the way his eyes flicked to the side when he was trying to hide the truth. the way he touched you, hesitant and trembling, like he’d never been allowed to want something before. and you let him have you. every part, every inch, without asking for anything in return.

you started locking your front door out of habit, but leaving your window open on the nights you thought he might come. sometimes he didn’t. sometimes you’d wait for hours, curled under a blanket with the lights off, listening for any sound that might be him. and when he did come, he’d slide under the covers like he belonged there, like he never left. he’d press his face to your neck and breathe you in like you were the only safe place he knew. he’d never say thank you, never say he missed you, but he’d stay until the sun began to rise.

and this is how it goes; you leave your window open at night, even on the coldest nights. sometimes he will come in, slip under the sheets with you in the darkness and bury his face in your neck like he hates you. except he won’t hate you. it’s never hateful, the way he touches you. his hands find your waist, your ribs, your thighs. he touches your body like it’s the most delicate thing in the world, like he’s afraid of breaking you despite it all. and all the while his hands are on you, he will pretend he’d rather be anywhere else.

he returns to you on the nights when the world becomes too much for even him. after the bloodletting, after the screaming, after he’s played god again; deciding who gets to keep breathing and who doesn’t. he doesn’t always kill, but sometimes you wish he did. because what he leaves behind is worse. heroes without hands. without hope. men who will never step outside again for fear of the shape in the shadows.

and yet, he knocks on your window like a boy coming home from school. crawls into your bed with silent feet and a lowered gaze.  he never says what he’s done, and you never ask. but there are nights when he doesn’t bother to clean up first. his hands are still damp. his shirt clings to him, stained dark. he holds you like he didn’t just tear someone open. presses kisses to your spine like you’re holy, even as blood from another man soaks into your sheets.

you don't want to know the number of names he’s taken or the ways he made them beg. you only know that when he comes to you, his body is sore and his knuckles are raw, but his touch is always soft. his violence never follows him into your room.

or– at least, not always.

there are nights he slips under your sheets and you smell it on him before you see it. copper and iron and something hot. blood clings to his shirt, soaks into yours, pools faintly between your bodies like a secret neither of you dares speak aloud. and you never do. you let him curl around you as if he’s clean. you run your fingers through his hair like it isn’t sticky. and he will sigh, tremble, maybe press a kiss to your collarbone.  you let him hold you. you let him sleep. you tell yourself it’s still him, underneath it all.

you will wake up with the sun. the space next to you will be empty, an indent where he used to be. but he would have left with the covers kicked off and your skin littered with bruises. he slips out before the first bird can sing, always vanishing before the sun crests the skyline. 

when you reach across the bed, his side is cold. he never fixes the sheets. he never wipes away the stains. sometimes, you’ll wake to brown, blooming patches on the pillowcase or the faint outline of his body in red on the sheets. he never means to leave a mess, but he always does. still, you never wash them right away. sometimes you lie there, breath held, and pretend he’s just gone to the kitchen. that he’ll come back. that he won’t disappear like smoke the moment your eyes are closed. once, he left his shirt. you folded it and placed it under your bed, like a relic, like a sin.

even when he leaves in the early hours of the morning when the sun is just starting to rise, even then you love him. you pretend to be asleep so he won’t realize you hear him putting his clothes back on, the soft sound of his footsteps as he goes. you pretend not to hear as he leaves, pretend you don’t know that he never sleeps whenever he’s in your bed. you pretend not to feel that deep hurt in your chest, the hollow kind of heartbreak that never really leaves you.

and every morning, you lie there for a while, watching the blood dry, telling yourself you’d do it all again.

the next time he comes back—and he will return, he always does—you will see the same tiredness in the way he moves. the weariness that sits heavy on his shoulders. and you will reach out, take his scarred hands in yours, and pull him to your bed once again.

it’s only been three months. it’s too early for love, but you’re falling so hard that you stop thinking it matters. or maybe it’s early enough for love because the first few months are served on a platter. it’s everything you ever wanted and more. and you know it isn’t perfect love - but at the time, none of that stuff seems to matter. at the time, none of it matters as much as the thought of being with him all the time.

you know its wrong. of course it is, why wouldn't it be? but you couldn't find it in yourself to care. a dragon, maybe even a god level threat, taking shelter in a civilian’s house. slipping into your bedroom when the sun sets and leaving before it rises.

you know it’ll never be anything more than this. you know he’ll never settle down, that he’ll never let you have him how you want. but you tell yourself it’s enough to have him in any way. you’re a desperate mess, and you know he knows it, too.

one would think it would be terrifying, the thought of a monster in your house, in your bed, the thought of something that could kill you at any second. but the thought is just as exciting as it is terrifying. it makes your heart flutter at the thought of his hands on you, his mouth, the way he only touches you under the cover of the dark. you shouldn’t want it. but you do. you do, you do, you do.

it’s not normal, you know. you know you should feel trapped, you should be screaming and calling for help, but you’re not. you’re looking forward to night, looking forward to the moment your window will creak open and you’ll wake up to the feeling of hands on you, dragging you out of your bed and into his. you’re looking forward to being in love with a man no one should want.

and you wonder sometimes; is the danger something he wants to be close to, does he feel some kind of perverse joy at the thought of it? or is he simply using you to run away from it, some way to forget about everything. is your body something to use, or is it a safe haven. you wouldn’t be mad if it was the former, and at the same time, you want desperately for it to be the latter.

in an ideal world, you could pretend that you were only a bystander. caught in the crossfire, held against your will. but you both know better. you leave your window open for him every night. cook an extra meal, and leave a blanket or two for him.

and you know that even something like this could end your life. if the hero association ever so much as catches an inkling of an idea of what you’ve been doing—housing the hero hunter— you’d be eviscerated on the spot. they'd make you disappear, ruin your image so bad you'd never want to step foot out of the house. or, if they were feeling merciful, kill you dead on the spot.

but garou still comes to you every night is a secret of the most delicate caliber, the kind that, if it so much as brushed the edge of their attention, would make both your lives hell.

but it didnt stop you the first time. and it wouldnt stop you now.

it would be easy to call it stupidity, to say you let your heart lead you. but what garou is to you goes beyond that. it will never be easily defined, what he means to you. all you know is that the moment you saw him, you knew he was it for you—the moon, the stars, and the sky that held them.

you can see it in the way he looks at you—that fire in his eyes, the way he holds your body under his like it’s his to keep. it’s impossible, the way he looks at you. it fills your chest, makes heat rise to your throat.

keep me safe, garou,  you want to say, keep me with you. 

the words never make it to your tongue. the same way he can’t say it, you can’t either. this is just another of the secrets you keep, this thing between the two of you.

the first time you kiss, it’s after a fight. he’s soaked in blood, both his own and someone else’s. his hair is messy and dirty, his clothes are torn, his hands are clenched into fists. he smells like copper and dirt and sweat and all you can think, all you want, is the warmth of him in your arms and his mouth on yours. 

and as you look at him through half-shut eyes, garou glances over at you and away quickly. he is a man who does everything with intent, every step and gesture carefully chosen. except, somehow, when he looks at you. he will take you in unabashedly, openly, like he is starving and his only salvation is seeing you.

it is love, and foolishness, and everything in between.

you can never get enough of his hands in your hair. his mouth against your neck. the way his eyes never leave yours in the rare moment that he lets his guard down enough to show the truth behind all those walls. you can’t get enough of the way he wants you, the selfish, greedy thing inside of him that can’t help the way you consume his thoughts, the way he comes back to you time and time again.

you see that part of him, that you see him behind all the sharp angles and harsh edges he tries to hide behind, is something he cannot bring himself to give to anyone in this world except you. something about the way your hands fit in his, the way you meet his eyes without fear, the way you seem to know him without him needing to say anything—it breaks him apart and builds him back just a little softer every time you let him close to you.

you know, for all he is worth, could kill you instantaneously, if the hero association doesnt first. wrap his fingers around your throat and squeeze until you go purple. plunge two fingers into your arteries until you bleed out. dismantle you limb by limb while you're fast asleep, and dispose of your body parts in whatever backwater place he came out of. kill you every which way he so pleases, and do it again.

this is never the man that comes to you at night. the man that climbs under the covers with you and touches you with careful hands is a different person to the one the world knows. because he changes. he softens, and the hands that could kill are suddenly gentle, the mouth that could maim is instead pressing soft, reverent kisses into your skin. the monster turns into something else when he’s with you, into something you find yourself loving more and more. the thought of all that power, all that strength, all of it under your control, it’s intoxicating. it makes the fear worth it.

the world knows a wolf, but it’s a dog that lays his head in your lap.

the heroes call him a monster, a killer, a threat to peace. and maybe they’re right. he’s their worst nightmare come to life—rage in motion, vengeance in human form. every time he walks out your door, you know someone won’t be walking back through theirs. sometimes you hear about it on the news, sometimes you don’t. but he always comes back.

and when he does, he drops the snarl, the fangs, the fury. he sets them all at your feet like offerings, like he’s begging to be seen for something more than the blood beneath his fingernails.

you sit him down and cradle his jaw in your hands like he isn’t the most dangerous thing in the world. like he doesn’t smell like iron and ash and rot. you wipe away the blood—his or someone else’s, you rarely ask—and kiss the cuts left behind. he lets you. sometimes, that’s the most love he knows how to give.

there’s always a question lodged between your ribs: why you? why does he keep coming back? you’ve asked him before, in the quietest hours of the morning, while the sheets still smell like steel and skin. he never answers. just stares at the ceiling like the stars might spell it out for him.

maybe he doesn’t know. maybe he does. maybe it's something in your eyes, your voice, the way you let him in when you shouldn’t. you never ask again.

you only know this—he is something feral made human by your touch. he bows his head when you kiss his knuckles. he goes still when you touch his back, like he's afraid you'll pull away. he never says thank you, but he never stops coming.

you try not to think too hard about what it means, what it says about him that he stays, about you that you let him. maybe you’re just as lost as he is. maybe you’re both fools, clinging to each other like driftwood in a flood.

and still, you try to keep him close. you memorize the planes of his face, the weight of his body against yours, the roughness of his voice when it drops to a whisper. he gives you almost nothing, but you take what you can. you trace the long scars carved into his arms, his chest, his ribs. press kisses to the wounds time forgot. press yourself into the empty spaces no one else dared to fill.

he watches you sometimes like he’s waiting for you to leave. like he's daring you to. but you don’t. you stay, again and again and again.

it’s like you’re playing house together. you know, like children pretending to be their parents and playing at having a family. you pretend this is a real relationship. you pretend he belongs to you, and you to him, and that’s the way things should be. he pretends he can’t stand you, and you play along with the charade like you don’t know any better. 

you make believe you’re his, and he’s yours, and that this is love in the ordinary way.

he plays along. pretends your touch is a nuisance. pretends your voice doesn’t steady him. pretends he doesn’t fall apart when you whisper his name like a prayer.

neither of you are particularly good at pretending.

your hands are the only soft thing he’s ever known. and when you touch him, it isn’t out of mercy. it’s out of choice.

he’s not easy to love. his moods turn like weather. his eyes never settle. he shies from affection like it burns. but you’re patient. you’re constant. you give him the kind of love that doesn’t ask to be returned, that waits, and waits, and waits.

and he fights it. god, he fights it. he snarls and flees and comes crawling back, like loving you is a war he cannot win and cannot bear to lose.

but still you offer. your hands. your home. your heart. every inch of you, piece by piece, night after night.

you give, and give, and give, until he cannot help but want.

[jwylea]

Reiki.

This was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

She was sore from yesterday, hadn't had much for breakfast, had to deal, and is STILL dealing, with Inuyasha and with the way he kept bothering her and whining about how he didn't want her to return to her time, despite it being WEEKS.

Now she had to deal with bandits, who turned out to be demons. They had had recently abducted Shippo and would only return him in exchange for the jewels shards.

They were clearly low class level demons, going on about how they won't hesitate to kill Shippo, and possibly even eat him. Inuyasha was doing nothing but barking, and Sesshomaru was about to attack but that was when a deafening crack was heard.

All demons in the surrounding area felt a wave of spiritual energy. The young Miko looked enraged, reiki surrounding her as she also tried to keep her powers at bay as to not harm her friends.

"I am his mother!! And a miko for that matter, so if you don't want me to fry you alive, you will do well to let my child go!"

Kagome roared; her voice held power and determination, a tone even her friends had almost never heard her use. Gone was the tender voice of a high-school girl; now replaced before them was a woman, a mother, who was very much willing to attack and protect her child.

The demons didnt have to be told twice as they dropped the kit and fled. Kagome quickly rushed to his side and cradled him as he hugged her tightly with tears in his eyes.

Her suffocating reiki had died down by now, and although one could tell that bringing forth such great amounts of powers could render someone exhausted, especially for Kagome who still had a lot to learn, she kept herself from falling over.

She rose up, kit in her arms, and looked at the stunned group(Sesshomaru being and exception).

"Let's go." She said tiredly, wishing for the day to just come to an end.

Later that evening, Miroku and Sango were sat next to each other, whispering.

"You think so?.." Asked Sango.

"Mhm...think about it." Replied Miroku with a slight grin on his face.

"I guess you have a point...Sesshomaru kind of rubbed off on her." Sango commented.

"All I can say, my dear Sango, is that ever since Sesshomaru-sama came into the group, Kagome-sama seemed to have gained more confidence in herself. Even in her abilities."

Sango only nodded as she looked at her now sleeping friend, with Shippo and Rin, safely tucked between her arms.

The inu yokai in question, was sat at the base of tree in the near distance, eyes closed.

The comments almost made him smirk.

Hey guys, a couple of weeks have passed since my last post. Uni got way out of hand, and it's a period where I have to visit different family members so it will still be some time. Even because once again: 💕💘exams💕💘

Gosh.

But no worries I will always have fun sketched to post even during this exam period(which fortunately won't last as long as the previous one--)

Anyway, enough yapping, I wanted to have some fun and draw Kags in the same manner as Yor from SpyxFamily! Season 1 where she and Anya were going grocery shopping and Yor flipped(As my Queen should).

Hope you guys like it and enjoy, see you guys very soon for the next post(Also, in the next post I will give an update about Comissions and when they might possibly open so stay tuned!)

Side by side view:

[t3ag3rs]

g e n s o - 0 2.

your body jolts up as you feel yourself on the verge of passing out.

you quickly glance up at your teacher to see if he noticed you sleeping in his class, sighing quietly when you notice he was turned to the board.

you itched your most recent cut, wincing slightly as it hurt. at least its somewhat healing.. you thought to yourself staring at the scar. you rubbed your eyes to fight the sleep trying to consume you. 

god its like im tired everywhere else except when its time to actually sleep..

you bounced your knee up and down waiting for the time to go by quicker. you couldnt wait to get out of this goddamn academy. why were all last days filled with sappy goodbyes and hugs? you couldnt wait to go home and take a nice long nap.

no more stressing out over school work. no more sleepless nights. no more burn outs.

that sounded like absolute heaven.

ring, ring, ring!

you jumped out of your seat and rushed home. you finally had months to actually prepare for the UA entrance exam. you had to make it in.

you promised him you would.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

"mom! can you please call bakugous mom and ask if they can come over? its been so long!" you pleaded once you got home. "fine.. let me call them" sighed out your mom, going to grab the phone.

you watched giddily as she called, "hey, do you think you could come over with bakugou today? y/n finally got out of school and wants to see him" she asked, you saw as her lips form a tight line, "oh.. i see.. its okay then! take care! " she ended the call.

"im afraid bakugou cant come over, she said he wanted to train for the entrance exam and nothing else." she continued but you werent listening.

he didnt want to see you.

after all these years of waiting patiently to see him was for nothing. he didnt care about your friendship with him. he just wanted to train and be a hero.

like always.

 "izuku could probably come over though.. are you even listening y/n??" your mother questioned. you snapped out of your trance, "o-oh yeah! sure we can do that!" you replied, not even knowing what you were agreeing to. 

 "good! izuku will be able to come tomorrow so i suggest you take a bath, eat early, and head to bed to get some good rest. no more school until that entrance exam, i know you wont let us down." she smiled and ruffled your hair.

 you smiled back and nodded. you werent planning on failing it anyways. even if bakugou didnt value your friendship anymore, you still made yourself a promise. you were going to make it in whether you liked it or not.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you showered quickly and went downstairs to get some water. you looked at the food hungrily, but your mind said otherwise. 

are you really going to eat? you already had so much food yesterday. its best you skip eating today so you wont gain much weight. 

you looked down at your stomach and sighed as it rumbled, aching for food. one night cant hurt right? you turned away from the food and got a water bottle getting ready to sleep.

you walked into your room and placed the water bottle on your nightstand and turned off the lights. you let out a yawn and layed down, falling asleep right as your head hit the pillow.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

the next day you woke up and did your morning routine. you couldnt help but be excited to see izuku after 3 years. 

as the doorbell rang you rushed to open the door and let out a gasp when you saw how much the green haired boy changed. you hugged him and smiled, "izu! oh my gosh ive missed you so much!" you pulled away and stared at him, "you look so mature now!"

 he let out a small laugh, "i can say the same to you y/n! its been so long!" you stepped aside and welcomed him in. you walked up with him into your bedroom and sat down, "how was the last three years? is bakugou still a bully to you?" you ask.

 he looks down sadly, "he hasnt changed much.. if anything its gotten worse. his egos so big now..!" he lets out a chuckle and scratches his neck, "just yesterday he burned my hero notebook and threw it in the fish pond outside the school..!"

 you gasped, "what? i cant believe he did that! hes changed so much..." he looked down and continued, "that wasnt the worst part... he told me to take a swan dive off the roof if i wanted a quirk that bad.." you felt the anger boil in you.

 "he said WHAT?" you asked in disbelief, "i cant believe i was friends with that piece of shit! and he said he wanted to focus on training instead of talkinh to me after 3 years! i cant believe he wants to be a hero with an attitude like that!" you yelled.

 "its not that big of a deal..! besides... we both got into a villain attack yesterday and guess who saved us?? all might!!" he started fanboying about all the things he did, but you were too busy thinking about how horrible bakugou had became.

"but poor kacchan.. the villian was really going to take over him.. it was scary to look at.." he rambled, "still! its no excuse to hows hes been acting! but your lucky you got to see all might! i wouldve fainted if i actually saw him! " you exclaimed.

 "exactly! but thats not the point, he said i could become a hero too!" he smiled, you looked at him confused "how..?" he looked at his hands and then back at you.

 "promise me you wont tell anyone" you nodded and swore, "all mights quirk was given to him, he wasnt born with it. he told me he would train me so that he could pass on his quirk to me!" your mind went blank.

 "how is that even possible? you cant inherit a quirk! thats not how things work. if its true how come none of the scientists have figured it out yet?" you rambled, "im not sure, but i can finally become a hero now! its all ive wanted, and to top it off i can be trained by the worlds greatest hero!"

 you couldnt help but smile and feel happy for him. all he ever wanted was to be a hero and now it could finally come true. "im happy for you izu! we can try out for UA together!" he smiled and let out a sound of agreement. "maybe we can train together under all might! im sure he'll like you, but just be warned he doesnt always look muscular... he has a whole different body when his quirk runs out.." 

 you found out just exactly what he meant the next day when you met him and all might at the beach.

"so y/n.. this is all might" he said pointing at a man who look like a drug-addict, but then suddenly changed to the all might you saw on tv. "what the actual fuck" you gasped, "told you to be warned..! all might i want you to meet y/n l/n, my best friend of many years!" 

you took a deep bow at his direction, "im thankful to be able to train under you, and for you to trust me with knowing about your identity and izukus new quirk" all might grinned, "of course kiddo, now whats your quirk?" 

 "i have the ability to control elements, so far its mainly the usual four; water, fire, air, earth. im most comfortable with water, and least with earth. each of my elements have its own drawback." he nods as you speak, "you both definitely need to start strength training more as your quirks will be powerful."

 "so lets get started!"

at that moment you had started the ten months of absolute torture. 

everyday was spent working harder than before. a meal plan that was composed so that your every meal had enough protein to not only loose the unwanted body fat, but to also build the needed muscle for your quirk. a sleep schedule so that you woke up everyday with enough energy to train the 5 gruesome hours every morning, and extra if you felt up to it.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

finally it was the morning of the long awaited entrance exam. you watched as deku screamed and let out every nerve he had in him. "i have to admit it.. you two have genuinely surprised me by cleaning the entire beach! " exclaimed all might.

he pulled up a photo of you two from the first day you started, "you two have definitely gotten stronger and you y/n, have grown more experienced with your quirk. young midoriya you have now worked your body enough to inherit my quirk... eat this." he handed deku a strand of his hair and you gagged silently.

 "to inherit my quirk you need to consume some of my dna" he explained, "theres no time to explain! eat it or you two will be late!" deku closed his eyes and swallowed the strand making you cringe.

i think im gonna be sick!

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you walked with deku to UA and stared at it in awe. you fiddled with your jacket covering the tight tanktop you had on, paired with your army green cargo pants. 

god im so nervous..!

 "even though i ate his hair i dont feel any different.." sighed deku, you smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder "its probably just getting used to your body, besides i never felt any different when i got my quirk!" 

 "stupid deku..! get out of my way before i light you on fire..!" snarled a voice from behind you. your heart dropped as you turned and made eye contact with bakugou. 

you couldnt believe how much he had changed. his face was more mature and his body had definitely grown more muscle. his attitude had just gotten worse though.

he knocked his shoulder into yours and walked away coldly, not saying a word to you.

"asshat" you whispered while continuing to walk with deku until he stumbled on his own feet and was frozen mid air. "are you okay?" said a high pitched voice from a brown haired girl beside you.

"i used my quirk to stop you from falling!" deku got up and started blushing, you giggled knowing he probably thought she was cute. "my names ochako uraraka! nice to meet you two!" you smiled as deku started glitching in real life. "my names y/n l/n and thats izuku midoriya! its nice to meet you too!"

you grinned as a plan came to mind, "well i have to meet someone inside.. you should get to know her izuku! it was nice meeting you! bye izu!" you ran away giggling. he had no choice but to talk to her now!

you took a seat next to a red haired boy and settled down looking at your card. looks like ill be in battle center A.. "hey what center are you in?" the boy asked you as he showed you his card , "oh um.. center A" he sighed, "guess we arent in the same one.. well i wish you luck anyways!" he grinned showing his sharp teeth.

you smiled back, "thanks! you too! also i really like the red hair!" he blushed, "thanks dude!" suddently the lights went out and the hero present mic started speaking.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you finally got changed out of your jacket and prepared to fight. you stood outside of the battle center with a group of other people. you noticed bakugou but didnt awknowledge him, instead you made sure you had enough water in your pouch to use during the fight.

suddenly the doors opened and present mics voice could be heard counting down. "on your mark.. get set... go!" 

 it was finally the moment you had been training months for.

previous parts: pt. 00 / pt. 01 next parts: pt. 03 / pt. 04 / pt. 05 / pt. 06 / pt. 07 / pt. 08 / pt. 09 / pt. 10 / pt. 11 / pt. 12 / pt. 13 / pt. 14 / pt. 15 / pt. 16

[hy4c1nthh]

hey the BLACK-OUT fandom is . hungry. mayhaps. Do you. by chance. have content

yes i do actually in fact i was gonna reblog the info on the ask i sent but ill do it here.

SO

megumi did two years in the same college as keiji but went to an arts college in tokyo afterwards and then. moved to america. She subconsciously made it rlly hard for herself to stay in contact with her family because she just. wanted a break. she. wanted to get out of there she reaaally didnt wanna go back home even if she missed her sibilings. She felt so guilty about that she pushed back going back to japan even MORE because heh. pushing back. m.makes the guilt. go. away. r.right. h.a.ha

itsuki. okay. im a little stumped on him but. basically he continues into music, becoming freelance guitarist and doing a lot of solo shows, tryna make it as a solo artist. and? doing okay. He preforms at bars a lot, sometimes at fesitvals. will you guys understand if i said i was writing/coming up with his stuff while listening to song about you by tv girl. does that make sense? well. look at the lyrics. there. but its weird because compared to the other members...itsuki held on to those memories the most. that time changed him. Yes he was still a loner and could barely keep in contact chiaki but. yeah

okay. chiaki. my baby. After their parents transferred them to miyajo (same year megu and keiji graduated) things just. got worse. yes the fighting stopped (at least in school grounds it did) and yeah she did decent academically but he was so utterly alone and out of place that he himself decided that she. she isnt worthy of any of that. theyre never gonna have that ever again. fast forward a few years and chiaki works a fucking office job. all that. for an office job. Theyre thiiiiisss close to ending it every day, thiiisss close to taking one too many shots. she cant sleep, cigarrette addicted, good apartment but way too quiet. but hey. this is what they. uhm. wanted. ri.right.

and finally....my ugly son. He just. he just gave up. Yes he was still keiji takatsuki somewhat carefree fun-loving wanting to help others but. that naivety had completely disapeared. those dreams completely disapeared. He's happy with his body (yayay less dysphoria!!!) and. thats about it. SHIT apartment, SHIT jobs, but ya gotta keep positive right!!! righ??? right. hes become almost compeltely emotionally repressive, even more than he was in his high school years. Any sort of guilt, nostaligia, sadness, anything that makes him feel weak or...makes him remember what was left of both him and the others...turned off like a light! When he isnt working one of his jobs, hes at home, feeding the stray cats that sneak in and scratch him in the middle of the night, calling his mom telling her "everything's okay! No- i dont need money...no im not lonely...yes..im getting enough sleep" (all complete bs if u couldnt tell!!).

also i never mentioned this but their sekai is actually very developed in my head i just never wrote it down. Their/his sekai is a once beaming city, which broke down first when keiji was in high school in Otaru (b4 he moved 2 the shibuya region). He met black-out and. went to the sekai and. soon! the city was rebuilding. it was taking time, and the inital collapse had deeply affected the virtual singers...but things were getting better.

Then. they broke up.

and it was just demolished.

They used to visit it now and then but as the years passed...anywasy now its more of an apocolyptic/dusty city. Not overtaken by plants because...theres nothing to nurture it.

anyways, megumi finally decides to go back to japan. She meets with keiji first ofc because. yeah! well. he is surprised to say the least. He welcomes her in and its like meeting your high-school sweetheart again except you both cant handle intense emotions and. ugh. whareever

im kinda speeding thru this a lot happens but i suddenly remembered i have a HUGE ASS ASSIGNMENT DUE!!! which i forgot so. yeah x2 speed

it is a very long and tedious process and theyre still all utterly doomed and have many many personal issues but black-out DOES get revived !!! and this time. oh. theyre going for big. black-out 2: electric boogaloo

stupid heads

@kitchenaidmixer02 @cellphone-love-story @boiledbasil

!!!!!!

[ssturniolo92]

Matt Sturniolo-Fight

pairing-matt sturniolo x reader

genre-angst

warnings-cursing, yelling

description-after a fight y/n and matt separate, but they unexpectedly reunite months later

part 2 part 3

you rarely ever fought with matt. i mean of course you bickered, but this time was an exception.

“why didn’t you tell me this?!” he asked holding up the college acceptance letter. you had been working hard for years to get into a good college and you had finally achieved it.

“because i didn’t think you would care.” you admitted.

“what?!” he asked, taken aback.

“i don’t know, matt. ever since you got big on youtube you just don’t seem to care anymore.”

“me?! i don’t care?!” he yelled. “you’re the one who never answers my calls, hardly ever comes over, and you never even come in our videos.”

“have you not seen the hate i get on there?!” you shouted. “people saying i’m not good enough and that you should move on. don’t you think that hurts?”

“what do you want me to do about it?” he yelled throwing his arms in the air.

you didn’t know how to reply so you stayed silent. matt was never like this unless he was stressed, so apart of you felt bad for fighting with him.

“i still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about school.” he said quietly.

“fuck school! i don’t care!” i yelled. (i hope you get the reference)

“what do you mean you don’t care? this is all you’ve been working for.”

“no, matt. ever since we started talking, all i’ve cared about was you. i put my heart and soul into this relationship!”

“yeah, we’ll maybe you shouldn’t have.”

you were shocked by his words, your mouth left agape. you turned on your heels and headed towards your shared room. you grabbed your car keys and the money you had been saving together and headed towards the door.

“y/n where are you-”

“save it matt, you’re right. i shouldn’t have put everything i had into you.” you said before slamming the door behind you.

7 months later…

it had been 7 months since that day. and you were doing good. as good as you could be.

“i’m doing good i’m on some new shit.”

you were headed to a date with a guy from school, you had wanted to say no. but you had decided that it would be better for you to move on.

“been saying yes instead of no.”

on your way to school a few weeks ago, you were waiting for the bus. a figure that vaguely looked like matt walked by, and you could see him out of the corner of your eye.

“i thought i saw you at the bus stop,”

to your disappointment, it was a stranger. this had happened dozens of times over the last 7 months, but you still held hope.

“i didnt though.”

after one night of sleeping without matt by your side, your insomnia came back. so instead of just sitting in silence staring at your ceiling, you decided to do something productive. you usually either went on a walk or did homework, or both.

“i hit the ground running each night.”

but now you were spending your sunday afternoon going to a movie with some guy you couldn’t even remember the name of.

“i hit the sunday matinee.”

you guessed that most of the time things just didn’t work out. and that was okay, even if it hurt.

“you know the greatest films of all time we’re never made.”

sometimes you let yourself think back to the times of before. you didn’t let it happen often, but sometimes you let yourself think of what could’ve been.

“i guess you never know, never know.”

apart of you blamed him. if he really wanted you to stay maybe he would’ve gone after you. or he could’ve at least called.

“and if you wanted me you really should’ve showed.”

and the other part of you thought that maybe this was just a life lesson or some shit like that. maybe you would learn from this in the future.

“and if you never bleed youre never gonna grow.”

it had been hard to leave him. but it had gotten easier, at least, if you never let yourself think about it.

“and it’s all right now.”

as you were walking towards the building you ran into someone.

“hey.”

read part 2 here!!!

[nerves-nebula]

what was boarding school like?

*pained noise* hard to say. i heard things got worse after i left (i was lowkey kicked out)(the dean of students hated mentally ill ppl and was kind of racist and didnt allow me to come back because i was "dirty" and visibly struggling with a lot of mental health issues)(god knows my grades were perfect)(it's whatever, he left eventually)

it was definitely a mixed bag. the teachers were broadly pretty nice and cool. the class schedule was hellish (nearly all day class, with academic stuff being the first half of the day and arts being the second half). the other students were pretty cool, i met the first punk i'd ever known there and he was awesome and also the person who taught me what being punk actually was- and i still kind of wish i'd kept in touch with him.

for all the stuff i didnt like about it though, it was way better than being at home. cause yknow i wasnt in an abusive household, even if i WAS in a racist academic establishment lol. but like it's america when am i NOT in a racist establishment haha.

all of my older siblings went to boarding high schools too, but i think i'm the only one who switched schools every school year. so they had the chance to kind of settle in more. though from what I've heard them say it wasnt much better.

specialized boarding high schools really arent that much different from public high schools except that they feel a bit like college and you can meet people with your specific interests easier. well at least mine wasn't that different- we didnt have like a strict dress code or uniform or anything. i think a school like that would actually have made me MORE suicidal.

BUT I DIGRESS: i'm rambling so much because its hard to really quantify what it was like. im sure it wasn't awful, but its worth noting i was severely mentally ill and likely extremely depressed, so the entire thing is covered in a weird glitchy haze where it's like.

it was great, i loved it, i cried when they wouldn't let me come back. it was awful and isolating, i was terrified, i was constantly overwhelmed and put in new situations i hated, i cried myself to sleep on most days. does that clear it up?

[quodekash]

oh! yeah that's right there's the rest of the episode. whoops i fully just kept rewatching the guynawa scene, i completely forgot that im only halfway through the episode

GUYNAWA KISSED BY THE WAY, JUST REMINDING EVERYONE IN CASE ANYONE FORGOT

AWWWWWWWW

THEYRE ALL SO ADORABLE

THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHERRRR

THEYVE KISSED BTW

DID ANYONE FORGET??

THEY KISSED

THEY KISSED FIVE TIMES

FHSDHDHSBFAHDSBFHDSBFH

lmao they rly had to squeeze that in there one last time

LMAO THEIR EXPRESSIONS IN THE BACKGROUND I LOVE THEM

le gasp

shock horror

no one had any idea at all

who could have possibly seen this coming

i think most of their classmates knew

they had to know, right?

they were not very quiet about it lmao

kang being like "why is my boyfriend so sweet" and kissing him on the cheek several times while there's people very close nearby

i feel like everyone had to know

LMAO

EVERYONE EXCEPT SAIFAH, OF COURSE

IM SORRY I CANT STOP LAUGHING

HIS EXPRESSION IS LIKE SOMEONE JUST DIED UNEXPECTEDLY IN A MOVIE OR SOMETHING

i genuinely have no clue how he didn't know, maybe he should go to an optometrist, he might need glasses

HIS SMILEEEE

HES SO HAPPY TO HAVE FINALLY SAID IT AND ANNOUNCED IT

ASHDFAHSDFHADSFHA

GI3ERGSTIUG43BE THATS SUCH A FUNNY REACTION

ONLY IN BL

"sailom and i are dating" and everyone clapped

bro why you just standing there alone in the rain

OKAY, HE'S GONNA SAY IT ONCE MORE:

"I. LIKE. YOU." ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT MY GUY

but also all of kang's fears and worried are very valid right now and i totally get it and i love him and support him BUT HES SO STUPID but also valid BUT STUPID

FINALLY

jeez man, it took WAY too long for that to be revealed to him

yessss

yeeeessssssss

yes, because wind is important to the windmill, we've been over this a thousand times

YESSSS GUYNAWA ARE BACK, I WAS SO WORRIED THAT BECAUSE IT'S THE FINAL EPISODE, WE WOULDNT GET ANY MORE OF THEM FOR THE REST OF THE EPISODE BUT ITS OKAY ITS FINE YAYYYYYY

THEYRE SO FUNNY

THEYRE SO SILLY I LOVE THEM

wait but how did they find that

did they just come up with that without realising it's been said by kangsailom, or did they somehow find out iconic kangsailom lines?

nooooo so guynawa aren't going to the same uni?

I LOVE THEM SO SO MUCH

GVOREGNKJRVD THEYRE BOYFRIENDS

WAIT WHERE ARE THEY GOING

ARE THEY ALL GOING ON A TRIP TOGETHER???

SCHOOLIESSSSS

i fully forgot schoolies was a thing lmao

is it called schoolies everywhere or is that only an australia thing?

anybody, pls answer here: what country do you live in, and what do you call the trip that people go on for like a week with their friends a few weeks/months after they graduate high school, where they usually go camping and get drunk? or do you not have that?

AND THEYRE GOING TO KORAT?? YESSSSS

guynawa better see a shooting star

and theyd better kiss under the night sky

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I LOVE THEM

also: guynawa in the background, it looks like nawa's looking out the window. in other words: SOUNDWIN PARALLELS, WIN KNOWS SOUND LIKES LOOKING AT THE VIEW SO HE SAVED HIM A WINDOW SEAT ON THE BUS which sound didnt take because he's awkward and gay BUT STILL

side note: who the hell drove the msp gang on the bus ride to the beach? we literally see all eight of them sit in the back, we dont see anyone go to the front seat to drive. we also dont even know if any of them have their license, other than win but he's only got his bike license

anyway

ohhh he's trying to find a comfortable position to sleep

MAYBE SLEEP ON YOUR BOYFRIEND'S SHOULDER THEN, DIDYA THINK OF THAT??

holy shit its 2:30 in the morning

[tboybox]

yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

[alan-duarte]

TIMING: Mid may

 LOCATION: Portland country club PARTIES: Alan and Siobhan @banisheed SUMMARY: Alan wants to have a nice afternoon. Siobhan wants to have a nice afternoon. CONTENT WARNINGS: n/a

Everyone who golfed thought they were better than the people that didnt, that was a fact of golf. It was another fact of golf that Siobhan was bad at it. Which was partially why Siobhan loved golf. She also loved it for the stupidity, the several different sticks of varying sizes that she never understood, the fact that humans couldn’t be bothered to maintain green spaces unless it was for some sport, and, of course, the tiny carts she could ram into people. Being bad at the sport, for obvious lack of trying, meant that men often approached her to help. In the end she had them curled up in a puddle of their own tears; promise bound to help her and finally succumbed to the realization that she was never going to get any better or sleep with them and that they were stuck here, with her. Usually though, it didn’t happen so quickly. “Oh, come on, Greg.” She poked the man curled on the ground with her putter. “Don’t be such a baby about it. You’re the one that promised to help.” Prodding his gut earned her a few more wails. Siobhan sighed, this was boring. Her attention turned back to the length of the range: empty mostly except for the dark silhouette teeing up. Another person to bother. She jabbed the putter at Greg again. “Yeah, yeah, I release you from all your promises to me. Crack on then, Greg.” Greg didn’t move. Siobhan assumed he’d be fine. She picked up her clubs and ran down the range. 

There was a piece of actual golf that Siobhan did enjoy. Of course, it was her own variation of the sport that she’d devised in her head: hit humans with golf balls. When she was playing hit-humans-with-golf-balls she was the best at it. Taking a ball out of her golf bag, she squeezed it firm in her palm as she ran down, waiting until she was close enough to swing her arm back and throw. The ball took a perfect arc right into the stranger’s back. “Oh, I’m sorry!” she called out immediately after. “Look at me! Such a klutz; I never know how to hit with these things.” She gestured to the clubs in her golf back. “Do you mind if I tee up with you?” Today would be a good day of hit-humans-with-golf-balls. 

Alan had picked up golfing after a particularly unpleasant encounter with a guy who used to be in the Year book club during their senior year and claimed that anyone who couldn't golf clearly hadn't made it. It was before he started his business. Ten year reunion. The horror. He hadn't attended the one for twenty years since graduation day, mainly because at that point, it was clear to Alan that didn't want to be the sort of person who cared for living in the past. He had left that to people who peaked in high school. In the meantime, Alan however had grown fond of the sport, and had been going to the local golf course every fortnight. 

He was picking one of his wooden clubs when a sharp pain on his shoulder brought him out of his stream of consciousness. A sharp ow escaped his lips and the man turned around to look in the direction of the woman's voice. Great. Another one of those. 

He gave her a smile that looked like a grimace and turned his back on her, waving all that happened off with a brush of his hand. Hopefully, she'd stop in her track and find someone more interested. Instead she walked closer, asking him if she could join. Come on, this was his day off. "Fine." He cleared his throat and adjusting his stance, set the ball down on the tee before launching it far across the freeway. His eyesight might have been sharp, he'd have to walk a little to see precisely where it landed. Still he was mostly happy with his swing. 

Silent as ever, he gave a look at the woman, moving aside as if to invite her to take his place.

Maybe this man was good at golf, Siobhan didn’t know. She was distracted by all the places she imagined hitting him with a golf ball: the temple, the shins, the ass, maybe one right between the eyes if the day went well for them. Should she hit him with the clubs too? Oh, but she’d killed a few people that way in the 80s; she couldn’t do a repeat. It was more fun to treat the stranger like target practice. Blunt force trauma with golf clubs was easy and trite. She skipped to the place he had once been, setting up the tee for her shot. “Do you golf here often?” She asked casually, the chipper lilt in her tone being indicative of her mischievous glee but passable for friendliness instead. She took out one of the thick clubs meant for distance, taking her stance at an angle that would be peculiar for anyone playing golf. But Siobhan wasn’t playing golf. “I haven’t seen you here before.” She tightened her grip on the club. “Are you any good at golf? I’m just horrid at it.” She swung; another clean shot. The ball whipped through the air, shooting into the man’s shin. What’d they call that? A hole in one? Siobhan smirked. “Oh no!” She wasn’t doing a very good job of pretending to be shocked. “I’m so sorry! See, that’s just what I was saying about my golf skills!” 

“No, I don’t,” he did. Every fortnight, but he didn't want her to entertain the idea that this occurrence might become a recurrence. "Not good, not bad," with a shrug, Alan turned his back on her which was truly his sole mistake. 

A sharp pain in his leg was all the man needed to realize this.

"¿¡Pendeja, que mierda te pasa ?!" He couldn't bite the insults back, nor the look of absolute anger in his eyes as he turned to look at her and her faux air of shock. Then it dawned on him. She must have been hired by someone to ruin his day. He might have ruined a few lives after all. Fair. Well played, he thought, while a smile etched itself onto his lips. Now that he knew what this was about, Alan could probably get something out of it. 

"I've seen worse. In fact, it's rather impressive, considering…" he trailed off, leaving her time to think about it, about what he might imply here. "Well, I just think you're really brave about it, you know." This said, he gave her another smile, sympathetic as ever, and put his club back in its bag. Slinging it over his shoulder, the man began walking over to where the ball might have dropped. 

Some people were fun to harass, they gave Siobhan a lot to work with. Other people, like this man, clearly just wanted to be left alone. It made annoying them very easy; she guessed that she’d bother him just by breathing too close to his face. He seemed like a sensible man, a normal man that just wanted to golf. Unfortunately, he was Siobhan's victim for the day. However, the thing about people that wanted to be left alone was that they were boring. The best she might get out of him was a ‘fuck off’ and ‘fuck off’s for someone like Siobhan were two a penny. She got ‘fuck off’s even when she wasn’t trying (she refused to entertain why that happened; entertaining it usually made her sad). She wanted more. She wanted his day so horribly ruined that when he thought of her face, he thought of it with the vitriolic anger reserved for people who litter, or whatever the equivalent for human sensibilities was. People who don’t clean their murder knives? Siobhan didn’t know. 

“Brave about it?” Siobhan opened her mouth to say more but he was already off, walking down the range. She hadn’t even earned her ‘fuck off’. “Wait!” She chased him down, coming up beside him. “I just feel so bad about hurting you!” Her skin flared for the lie and she swatted her arms as if mosquitoes had been swarming. “Please, how can I make it up to you?” She reached into his bag and pulled out two golf clubs. “What if I got these warmed up for you?” Siobhan began swinging them around wildly in the air as she chased after her prey. Hopefully, one would just hit him. “I could use some golf pointers, you seem really skilled.” 

“Really? You didn’t seem so…” Alan stopped himself. No, he had to pretend that he didn’t know she was hired to annoy him. She started scratching herself and the thought of scabies quickly made its way to his brain. How many times did his mother tell him not to go anywhere near people who scratched themselves? It’s contagious, mijo, she’d say, clinging onto his small hand to ensure no mishaps. But he hadn’t seen anyone with scabies in years and had forgotten about that event until now. “Hold up, stay right where you are.”

If he wasn’t going to insult her further by letting her know why he didn’t want her anywhere near me, he was also not happy with letting her think it was hitting him that did the trick. He had it worse every month. “You don’t have to make it up to me. Just… Stop following me around and we’ll be just fine,” he tried to scoot away while she reached for his bag, but she was swifter than him. Heh, those only cost $300 a piece, it wasn’t such a terrible loss. Yes it was. But it also wasn’t. “I suggest you go to the training range, and leave the green for more skilled folks, alright?” 

Siobhan didn’t mean to obey him, but the suddenness of his voice caught her off guard and, just as he said, she stayed right where she was. “What?” She stared at him. “Why do you want to send me away? I’m just here to learn how to play golf from someone I admire as much as you.” Another lie. Siobhan swatted at her arms as her hives kicked up again. She scratched at her skin, moving closer. “Don’t you want to be a kind man and help a woman out?” She swung around the clubs again, finding that she was getting into a groove about it. It was a little like an interpretive dance: two swings to the left, three to the right, separate the sticks and flourish.In another world, it could have been a golfer mating call. “Look at me….I’m so helpless…” she tried to flutter her eyelashes at him. “....I need a big strong golf man to teach me how to golf.” She approached him slowly, hoping to get in closer for a hit or seven. 

“Why?” Remember Alan, she’s here to ruin your day, don’t let her get the satisfaction. “Because that’s where you’ll find a lot of guys who are way too eager to help the poor damsel in distress,” who, if she was not sent here specifically to piss him off, was looking for someone stupid enough to marry her without a prenup. 

He took a step back as she started swinging furiously the golf clubs around. Someone, him, was going to lose an eye if she didn’t stop that. “Will you stop behaving like a windmill for a second?” Wait. What in the romcom hell was going on here? 

“Can you spare me your Notting Hill slash Harry meets Sally nonsense? I’m just trying to enjoy my day off and I’m extremely gay and uninterested.” 

Oh, but the eager guys were exactly the ones Siobhan wanted. Eagerness was the perfect way to trap someone into promises they never wanted to keep. An eager man will agree to everything up to a certain point and she’d won a lot that way; a car, another car, a house, thousands of dollars, a newborn baby once but she returned that to the far more responsible mother and urged her to seek divorce. “Oh? You don’t like my waving?” She grinned. “Okay.” She threw his clubs as far away as she could, watching them spin and fly through the air before their eventual plummet. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Siobhan turned back around. “My name isn’t Sally. Or Harry. Or Nottinghill.” 

But it was his admission that gave Siobhan pause. It was certainly a lot harder to trick someone into giving her a car when they weren’t interested in her, but it wasn’t impossible. Her approach needed to be adjusted. “My condolences,” she started, “for the fact that you like men; men are terrible. I assume dating in Maine is like wading through a swamp of men who show off their big fish and men who want you to try their artisanal butter. The pickings are…” She gestured around the golf club which featured its own array of Maine locals: mostly older men who refused to admit they were never good at golf to begin with. “…slim.” She dropped her hand. “I have to suffer with this too. Do you think women come to this range? No. Absolutely not. I would love to do this with a woman instead.” She wouldn’t even take her hypothetical car. “But no, I get old men. I understand that there are those applications for dating inside of your phone—the tinder and the grinder and what have you—but I can't imagine the choices are really that much better.” 

“Really?” Well it wasn’t like she was going to break them but the walk of shame that would follow isn’t one he was eager for. If he’d been doing quite a good job at controlling his face so far, realizing that she hadn’t seen the hit classics Notting Hill and When Harry Meets Sally brought out his most outraged expression just yet. How dare you, he mouthed out to himself. 

While he went to pick up the golf clubs she’d just thrown away, Alan thankfully no longer had to hide his reactions to her nonsense, so much that he forgot not to chortle as she offered her condolences. What in the unhinged hell? “Are you seriously suggesting men wanting to offer me food is the worst that can happen? It’s not,” he put a hand on his hip and turned to look at her, “I’d rather that than men in graphic tees and men capris, thank you very much,” there was actually something attractive about a guy who knew how to fend for himself, which clearly wasn’t the case for the latter mentioned men. “I sometimes come with my sister,” but his sister had been off the dating scene for a bit, and just gave Alan a new niece for him to spoil. “Oh you really don’t want to try those apps. These people only want to get in bed and leave before breakfast,” how could you do that? He couldn’t fathom leaving the house on an empty stomach. Appalling. “You’d get along with one of my friends,” friend was a broad word to call his neighbor, but he figured Xochitl could get along with this woman, he had no doubt about it. She was friendly enough, but she didn’t let people walk on her toes.“She wouldn’t be caught dead posing with a fish either,” he put away the golf clubs and picked one to hit his ball closer to the hole. “I really wish you didn’t hit me though. I’d happily introduce you to her otherwise.” 

Siobhan watched, a little stunned, as the man went after his clubs. She was convinced they’d be a lost cause. And as he went on, something less sinister clicked inside her head. The sort of thing that clicked when someone was being interesting enough that she didn’t feel the need to stab them to make the fun. Siobhan approached him. “You’re a romantic,” she said, stating it as if she’d known him all his life. “That is, at least, a very romantic outlook to have. I never said I was looking for a partner.” Could she argue? Perhaps she wasn’t entirely interested in romance, it always seemed to pass her like a train she just missed, but she was a romantic in every sense as well. She grew up to her grandmother’s poetry about death and read Austen by candlelight; some romance was simply baked into her core. “Or maybe you just really like food,” she conceded, realizing there was another explanation to his words. But was the act of feeding someone a meal crafted by one’s own two hands not a little romantic? It all circled back. 

As he went on about his friend, Siobhan considered it. Not about having a friend, she didn’t care to, but if some woman was bemoaning the lack of good candidates then she assumed there was a plush bed she could fall into. But, no, she’d come here on a mission: she was going to bother men until the dull and constant ache over how much she hated herself subsided for that singular moment in time where she could feel superior to the puddle she reduced someone to. She didn’t care about meeting someone else, some hypothetical force she might— “Is she hot?” Siobhan’s curiosity got the better of her. “Oh, get over yourself. If you had to golf all day you’d want to hit people too. This sport is nonsensical.” 

“You look desperately like someone who is looking for a 5th husband,” the kind of woman who hadn’t taken off the pins from her bridal chignon yet that she had already slipped on a form fitting black dress for the funeral of her husband who died such a tragic, accidental, unexpected death. He gave her a sympathetic look. Though Alan hadn’t lost any of his husbands to the reaper, he didn’t particularly feel like it would be just to judge her for it (especially since he was simply judging a book by its cover here). He made a living exploiting people’s weaknesses. If most of his deals were sealed without him using tricks, Alan knew that he wouldn’t have been as successful if he had let other realtors walk over him. That would be unacceptable. “I do like food though, cooking for others too,” he pointed out. Alan wasn’t the sort for grand gestures. He wouldn’t cover you in presents, but he’d make you dinner, make sure you had everything you needed to be comfortable and check on you regularly. 

“Xochitl?” Alan might have not felt a thing for women, he was born with two eyes who worked very well. “She’s beautiful,” the kind of person that made heads turn. Whether she could give that woman a run for her money was to be determined but Alan figured he might have his revenge here. “Actually, I might give her your name and phone number,” he also would subscribe with a good number of newsletters with said phone number, though she didn’t need to find out yet how petty Alan could be. “I’m Alan, by the way,” he held out his hand for her to shake. “Though if I do that, I expect you won’t disturb my days at the golf course ever again.” 

Siobhan’s nose crinkled. Yes, the ‘ready for the fifth husband who will also mysteriously die’ was both the vibe she hoped to give off and also the one she was aware that she did. If she was ever going to get married, it would be to a string of men who all met early deaths. Preferably they’d have a lot of money, but Siobhan wasn’t so picky—she would murder a poor man too. Still, it wasn’t nice when someone pointed it out to her. “And you look like someone on their third divorce,” she replied. Something about golf attracted sad people, in Siobhan’s mind. There was something humiliating about chasing a tiny white ball down and then just guessing at where it landed. It was something only a thrice divorced man could appreciate. “You can’t seduce someone with food,” she said, knowing that if someone presented her with a full cake, she would probably think about sleeping with them. “What do you do? Wave potatoes around?” 

Siobhan’s nose crinkled again; this conversation was slowly approaching friendly. She didn’t come here to be friendly. Somehow, in fact, Alan seemed to be striking a deal with her: the number and name of some lonely attractive friend of his for her granting him the peace of golfing alone. Siobhan didn’t like it but clearly her golf violence was getting her nowhere. She ought to cut her losses and see if his friend was more fun to harass. “I’m not making any long-term promises,” she said, “and I’m not agreeing to that deal.” She reached out and shook his hand. “But for today, I will leave you alone if you provide me with her number. Agreed?” She paused. “And I’m Siobhan, by the way.” 

“Second,” he corrected her, and finally granted her an honest smile. The idea that he could wave potatoes around even made him scoff although he didn’t reward her with a response. Wave potatoes around. That’s ridiculous. She was quite ridiculous, yes. But she was no longer harassing him. All he had to do was make her feel important, huh? And so he didn’t comment further on that, offering her a friendly smile instead.

“That’s alright.” He knew what she smelled like, Dior, the countryside and something rich. He could avoid her if she decided to show up at the golf course again. It wouldn’t be too difficult. She, however, didn’t need to know that. 

“Very well. I can do that,” he just needed to find it in the HOA What’s App. They hadn’t precisely been on a phone number sharing basis, but that was fine, right? He just needed to let her know that a Siobhan would reach out to her, and that she was just a poor old widow looking for company in those trying times, right? “Are you ready to take notes?” 

“Well, are you looking to get divorced a third time because I can set you up with someone,” Siobhan said, whipping out her phone. “Take notes?” She blinked. “Yeah, right. Whatever. Crack on. I hope she’s more fun than you.” After entering the woman’s details in, she stuffed it back into her pocket and stared at Alan. He had agreed to leave him alone for the day and while he wasn’t the man she needed, or the man she wanted, or the man who would let her hit him indefinitely with golf balls, he was the man who had given her a new fixation. She waved at him, offering one last smile before she turned to leave for good. Xóchitl, whoever she was, probably would be more entertaining than Alan.

And if she wasn’t, Siobhan would just hit her with golf balls too. 

[autisticlee]

ah. do you ever realize life/the universe loves pulling crazy pranks on you.

when I was a kid, the only birthday party I remember having, where I was old enough to remember I guess, I was 4 or 5 and some extended family came over. I didnt have friends so it was just a few cousins and grandparents and whatnot. I was sick like I was every winter (and the entire time I was in school tbh) so I just wanted to sleep. I slept through my whole bday party and woke up to everyone gone.

I tried to have a bday party when I was somewhere around 10-12 (can't remember what year now) and invited classmates and people I considered friends. my parents prepared my party and made cake and food and we decorated and everything. hours passed and no one showed up. I called and none of them were home. turns out the "friends" skipped my party and hung out together and I got made fun of for that.

so for my 30th bday, I wanted to do something. I had one friend from another country come visit and found an anime con for us to travel to. we needed to split the cost with others and I don't really have other friends so she invited her friends. only 2 were able to go, but the whole thing went from being my bday party to more of my friend getting to gang out with her friends, so it wasnt even really for my bday for anyone else. just me.

in the end, I got sick the day after my friend got here. I am still sick over a month later. the worst of it was while we were at the con, which was my birthday weekend where I pretend i'm having a big bday party with a few friends. but nothing went to plan. I didn't even get to go to the con. I stayed sick at the hotel coughing until I threw up every day all day. things not going to plan led to everyone getting mad at me and arguing with me because I had to cancel one of our other plans because I was too sick and by that point i had infected everyone else. that led to 3 people being at my house and my family throwing a fit because they only approved of one so I was sick and getting screamed at for the week they were there until they finally went home, and even screamed at after, because I could not convince anyone to do what I asked them to do (like take a bus home tomorrow, not 5 days from now) and what my parents screamed at me to make them do (taking thr bus home tomorrow, not wait 5 days to take the train instead). I dont even remember most of the first 3 weeks my friend was here and didn't get to enjoy it because we were both too sick. and etc. everything went wrong, but that's not the point of this post. i'm getting off topic.

anyway, the universe and life played a cruel joke on me by taking my childhood memories of failed bdays and making this one big bday plan I had (probably the last time i'd try to make bday plans ever since they always failed all these years) and I had the attention taken off my bday and put on my friend because her friends wanted to see her while she visited me, I didn't yet to spend as much time with her as I had wanted to because everyone else wanted to and took up at least 2 of those weeks, AND I got so sick I basically missed my party (the con I planned to go to specifically as a bday party for myself) and don't remember 3 of the 4 weeks my friend visited as a bday gift basically.

there was no warning or preventing getting sick. I wasn't around anyone sick. I hadn't left my house besides to go to work, where I work alone, for at least a month. it hit suddenly without warning. I actually at first thought it was just my allergy to super glue I was using the night before. it's like a telephoned back to 4 or 5 year old me being so sick I slept through my last ever childhood bday party. I never had another one after that except that one where no one showed up. the universe has truly cursed my birthday. i'm not allowed to celebrate it, apparently.

[chaoticducky]

So. This story requires some ~context~ so bear with me.

When i was 12 or 13, i was introduced to my friends cousin, who had just moved into my apartments. He was weird. I didnt like him all that much but he was an older teen (like seventeen) and he hung around us kids a lot (in hindsight 🚩 but i was a stupid kid) anyways. He was always slightly.. off. He would come over to bother me a lot, even when my friend wasnt over. And started roughhousing with me a lot. (My mom completly was oblivious 🚩🚩). And one day after a neighbor i was really close to moved out he grabbed me around the waist and told me that neighbor couldnt protect me anymore rubbing all up against me. (🚩🚩🚩) And after i bit him to make him let go, he didnt come around *as* much, but one night i was cleaning my room, and it was hot so i opened my window. I forgot to close it before i went to bed and i slept with my mom still, so i went and obliviously went to sleep.

Well. Hours later i wake up. Drenched in sweat, and i hate being hot. Its awful. Im sweaty i cant breath, i cant move. I am being held by the waist, and someone is doing something behind me, like that thing where a guy rubs their junk into your butt (Which in hindsight was kind of familiar which is why i started this the way i did)

Anyways, because i cannot move™ and i am ~sweatyhotuncomfytired~ i reach behind me to find out why i Could. Not. Move. And i feel jeans. And tired brain realizes, 'no one in this bed should have jeans on.' and panic, and reach out to start trying to wake my mom up. Because someone has me around the waist. 'Someone broke into our apartment. Oh god mommy help.' i barely got her to rouse and by the time i did the alarm went off? (I dont remember this part as well as i used to. Youll understand why later.) But by the time she woke up he realized and bolted out of the apartment, slamming the screen door. Which really made my mom wake up and chase after them to try and figure out who im pretty sure was my friends cousin.

Who left me alone after this incident.

Gee i wonder why?

Now why am i telling this story for context? Its the way my ma retells it. In her version they were sleeping at the foot of the bed and that the alarm for school woke them. And she acts so surprised when i try and remind her they were on the other side of me.

Against the wall.

Its been years. Im almost 30. She keeps telling the story that way and ive given up on correcting her.

She just says they broke in to sleep at the foot of the bed for some reason.

And come to think on it his dad was acting a bit weird that morning. But i think he knew what his son had planned for me. I can only imagine what he would have done had my mom not actually been there, and the Heat from him holding me not woken me up.

Nothing was stolen. So no cops called.

Except perhaps my niavete.

And now im scared of leaving a window unprotected, and having someone sneak in to assault me in my sleep. (I have had nightmares about this. Years later. And they were sleep paralysis. So. 🫠 Extra panic. I have also had nightmares during hot days that someone is touching me and i wake up panicked. Huh. Talking about this is really showing me where my insomia issues probably stem from🫠🫠)

So. Yeah. Write that shit down. You want to remember this stuff. Unfiltered by the sands of time and shitty human memory.

[demonfaggotfurry]

vent post

idk what im doing or if im even gonna post it once im done am just writing to shut my head up a bit

i feel overwhelmed by my thoughts i wish i could quieten them or like have fewer of them at a time theres a constant buzz of everything inside my skull as if someone poked a wasp nest and put it in a sealed container

my usual coping mechanisms like listening to music dont really work rn and idk what else i should or could try kinda tryng to at least get something out so i dont fuck myself up instead

kinda feel like giving up on myself is becoming valid which is fucking insane to me bc just two days ago i was proud of myself for the progress im making even tho i dont have a therapist rn

like i dont want to give up i want it to get better or well anything except worse at this point yet here i sit and i feel like every progress ive made is a yanky tower i constructed thats now crashing down on me

im trying hard to build a routine for myself thatll help experience my days better and actually do more than rotting in bed all day but today i feel like im undoing all that bc it feels as if it doesnt matter

but it does matter... it matters to me... i want it to matter... if it doesnt then im fighting with myself for nothing

it could be so easy to give in but i dont want that im fine with being weak at moments but why do these moments feel so big in comparison to the days where i was strong where i could do shit

i feel homesick not to a place but the feeling i used to have in my childhood when it felt like the world was gonna turn out fine for me if maybe not for everyone it would for me...

when coming home from school meant to be greeted by at least five dogs and my parents or at least my dad and my biggest problem in life really was that i didnt have high enough participation in class but still easily could get good enough grades to not have to look into it...

losing my mom at 8 was hard but honestly due to the bond i had with my dad and the way we could literally talk about everything helped me deal with that almost effortlessly like yeah its not ideal still but it was possible to live with it

my dads been dead since 2022 now and i cant really deal with that bc i used to rely on him so much and now my most important pillar is gone and none of the people in my life can really help me with dealing with that i mean theyre trying really fucking hard and i appreciate each and everyone of them so much but they cant help me the way he wouldve

worst part about that is that rn this is really the first time im admitting to myself that his death is really this big of a struggle for me i thought i was dealing with it just fine having talked in therapy about it and shit

i kept teling people that it weirdly didnt hit me that hard but honestly i think i was just telling them that so i dint actually have to feel the pain if i just kept pretending i was fine id be fine right

well its getting increasingly obvious to me rn that i was fucking wrong...

welp theres that im gonna fucking stop now might revisit this but i need to sleep before idek what