#except maybe the italics abuse

[mirandasidefics]

But Home is Nowhere-Chapter 8

Pairing(s): Lucien x Plus Size Reader, Azriel X Plus Size Reader, and Ruhn Danaan x Plus Size Reader

Part 8 Summary: Lucien senses something is wrong with Reader and seeks out Rhysand. The High Lord feels the magic of the Horn and the pair race off to the Prison. Rhysand gives a warning. Later Azriel and Reader have a much overdue conversation, but it doesn't go as planned. Maybe a line has been crossed...

Word Count: 5.2K

Warning(s): Feelings of hopelessness, physical violence/torture, emotional abuse, tiptoeing around boundaries, Az and Reader ain't nice to each other.

A/N: THANK YOU SO MUCH TO MY BETA READERS! I felt like this chapter was taking forever to write. I completely rewrote half of this chapter and initially planned for a good conversation between Reader and Azriel. However, once I started writing they had other plans...I worry that Az is too out of character. Italics are inner monologue or flashback.

Series Masterlist

Previous: Chapter 7

Lucien paced back and forth needing to expel the energy that was building up inside him. His morning had started just fine, heading downstairs to the town house kitchen while (Y/N) slept. He hadn’t expected to come across Rhysand’s petite second in command. Perhaps the former ancient being was now technically third with Feyre taking on more actual leadership duties. Amren had been looking for the Shadowsinger, when she came upon him cooking breakfast for himself and (Y/N). Clearly taking the opportunity to make her personal opinion on his relationship with the human known. The short conversation that followed riled him more than he liked and all he wanted to do was process the topic with the very person that was its focus. However, his friend was now at the mercy of Bryce and Nesta for whatever asinine experiment that the redhead surely concocted.

She hadn’t even been gone for an hour and already Lucien felt that he was going to wear a hole in the area rug in front of their…her bed. He willed himself to ignore the slip. Even though he slept in it every night he spent in Velaris, his own apartment long forgotten, this was her room. Everything in here belonged to her… except his mechanical eye zoned in on the second toothbrush in the ensuite bath.

“Shit,” He quickly looked around the room, finally taking note of his scattered clothing. A shirt was tossed across the back of the vanity chair and the cuff from pair of breeches poked out from under her nightdress in the dirty clothes basket. He sat back down at the foot of the plush mattress. The top side of the heavy feather down duvet was cold to the touch. The bedroom window was wide open to allow the autumn air to cool the room. He was well aware that she enjoyed the cold air surrounding her as she snuggled into the warmth of her bed. He had to admit that he found peace in seeing her relaxed features when he joined her in the bed’s cozy embrace. Maybe that imp was right. Maybe he had become too wrapped up in caring for…her nightmares to realize that a line had been crossed.

Lucien flopped back onto the bed, arm slung over his eyes to block out the mid-morning sun. Vanilla and honey wafted over his nostrils, his human companion’s scent was thankfully the primary one still lingering in the sheets. He took a few deep breaths trying to will the restless energy away when he felt his heart rate suddenly spike. In a rush he sat up and looked around, almost expecting to see an unknown threat at the threshold to the room. He peered out into the hall, the town house completely silent save for Hunt’s deep slumbering breaths down the hall. Panic set into his bones. With a quick flourish he produced a scrape of paper and pen and scribbled a message to Rhysand. He wasn’t entirely sure if daemati would be aware of any mental attempts to reach out to him, so pen and paper it was. Another quick flick and the paper vanished. Within seconds the High Lord was standing before him.

“Elaine is fine, she just set out to do some shopping with Nyx. Feyre couldn’t wait any longer for (Y/N),” Rhysand’s voice strained to sound indifferent, but he was clearly irritated that he had been summoned. “Where is she by the way? It’s unlike her to be late.” Lucien had the good sense to keep his face as neutral as possible. It wasn’t surprising to find out that the High Lord wasn’t privy to his sister in law’s little excursion. But it was unlike (Y/N) to allow herself to be kept late from her time as Nyx’s governess. However, before he had the chance to respond a ripple of power washed over the High Lord.

“There’s an intruder in the Night Court,” His eyes flashed as darkness began to curl around him.

“(Y/N),” Lucien was instantly breathless. Something was wrong with (Y/N)…

“She’s at the Prison,” Rhysand grabbed Lucien’s wrist and before he could object the pair had winnowed away.

Wind whipped around as what Lucien could only assume was the Prison entrance loomed before them. The trio of females was nowhere in sight. His heart was racing and an uneasy feeling sunk to the bottom of his stomach. He looked around for any sign of life, but the island proved to be just as desolate as he expected. Without a word Rhysand took off in a sprint up the left slope. Lucien’s worry had him following. 

Halfway up the steep mountain face, they found them. (Y/N) was on the ground, tears streaming down her cheeks and a silent cry that the wind had surely carried away. He could practically feel the pain that radiated off her. His own heart lurched, pushing his feet towards her before he could think otherwise. 

“It’s okay, sweet girl,” He called on the magic of his fire to quickly warm his skin, arms slipping around her frame. “You’ve got time to cry. I’m right here.” Her sobs tugged at something in his chest. What had happened to cause his friend such pain? She curled into him, gripping at his tunic. He pulled her closer after a heart wrenching wail pierced the air. 

Lucien glanced over to where Rhysand was berating Nesta and Bryce. He was only able to catch parts of the one-sided conversation, his focus on the human woman he was holding. From what he gathered, Bryce attempted to open a portal. He continued to rub along (Y/N)’s back as she continued to cry. Whatever Bryce had used, the magic must be volatile for Rhysand to be this pissed. Naturally, neither of the Fae females appeared to be fazed by his irritation. Lucien was debating on winnowing you back to the townhouse while Rhysand continued his tirade, but the next words that came out of the High Lord’s mouth made his muscles freeze. 

“We cannot risk the Horn falling into Koschei’s hands! Do NOT use it again!”

You didn’t know how long you cried into Lucien’s broad chest. What was surely mere minutes that passed by felt like hours. Despite Lucien’s warmth surrounding you, the frozen tracks of tears bit at your cheeks. You were vaguely aware of Rhysand’s voice as it bellowed and fought to be heard over the roaring of the wind. Or was that overwhelming desolate wail your own voice? He wasn’t yelling at you, of that much you were certain. No, in this instance you were the very picture of the frightened, fragile, and pathetic human girl he surly wanted you to be. Still, you clung onto Lucien as if your very life depended on it; depended on him and the warmth he always willingly provided you. A gust of wind tousled loose strands of hair. Stubby fingers wrapped tightly into fists around the lose fabric of his tunic. You didn’t want to feel this way. The toll that the loneliness and isolation from those that you loved had fully revealed itself.

Like the hidden cave entrance of the Prison, what you thought was just a small crack was really a wide cavern. The small glimmer of hope that the horn illuminated had been ripped away. You felt a familiar emptiness creep its way towards your heart. Slowly the tears came to a halt and you took several steadying breaths. Numb. You had to become numb again. You couldn’t dwell on this failed attempt. With your eyes closed, you focused on the warmth of Lucien’s embrace.

You focused on the image of the black void and the emptiness and hopelessness that the failed portal to your world conjured inside you, and then pictured yourself stuffing it into a little cardboard moving box. Each push of the memory into the box was accompanied by an exhale. You could feel his warm hands on your face, wiping away the tears. The soothing touch helping to ground you. Once the entire memory was inside the box and sealed, you pictured setting the box to the side, along with all of your other awful memories, and opened your eyes. Your vision was flooded with a loving radiance that seemed to shine from Lucien’s sharp features. Your own personal sun bringing warmth and life to your iced over existence.

You had to fight the sudden and surprising urge to reaching out to him. To caress his face and bring it closer to yours. To…you stopped yourself from finishing the thought and blinked rapidly. His mechanical eye whirred, the pupil narrowing as he looked over you. The slight furrow to his brow showing his confusion. At what you weren’t sure as you did your best to mask over your features. You plastered a weak smile onto your lips before he helped you to stand. The sensation of pins of needles slowly washed up from your toes to your knee cap, encircling your calf muscle as the blood rushed back towards the frozen limbs.

“Can you take me back to the townhouse?” Lucien’s hand was warm within your own. “Please?”

“Of course, love.” He wrapped his arm around your waist, and in a instant the two of you were back in your bedroom.

The rest of your day went by in a haze. Lucien winnowed you back to the townhouse so you could change out of the Illyrian leathers. The afternoon weather was vastly different in Velaris compared to the mountain of the Prison. After a quick shower, you opted to put on a short flowy forest green dress. You were grateful for the breezy fabric as you moved about the kitchen in the River House. You and Elain spent most of the day with Nyx and preparing for the family dinner that Rhysand had invited you to join as some type of apology for this morning’s events. You told him that it wasn’t necessary as he had nothing to do with Bryce and Nesta’s decisions, but he insisted. You had been to a few of the Inner Circle’s family dinners, but you were certain that the invitation was mainly for Nyx’s benefit. The fact that you had been roped into helping make the meal took away from any sense of sincerity of inclusion that Rhysand may have intended.

However, keeping busy with dinner prep helped to ensure that your mind didn’t linger on the hopelessness that threated to still pull you under. You kept your focus on the tasks that Elain assigned you, such as kneading and rolling out the dough for bread and a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Nyx somehow ended up covered in flour, but you didn’t mind having to be the one to clean him up. Or at least you would have been had Azriel not entered the space.

Your back stiffened as he voiced a soft greeting to you. You had hoped that was going to be the end of your interaction as he engaged in a whispered conversation with Elain. You focused your attention on Nyx, brushing flour from his clothing so it didn’t sprinkle on the floor as he made his way to the bathroom. You felt a set of eyes on you and your muscles tensed even more. Without having to look you knew that Azriel was looking watching you and Nyx. The child looked over your shoulders, a smile spreading over his features as he gave a little wave to the Shadowsinger behind you. You had to repress the urge to shudder or show any level of discomfort. You knew that Azriel was just waiting to talk to you.

“Alright little one, let’s go upstairs to get you changed,” You moved to lift Nyx so that you could easily carry him. However, before you could Elain squeezed in between you.

“I’ll take him if you can get the bread out of the oven,” You stood, body ridged in front of the counter, as she picked up the small child. You looked between her and Azriel, a grateful smile on his features. Immediately you knew that they’d conspired against you. You couldn’t do this, not after what you already experienced today. You couldn’t be left alone with him and didn’t want to be forced to have any type of conversation.

What does one even say to the person that caused such physical and emotional damage? Did he want to talk about that weird interaction this morning? If so, that could wait. What was there to talk about anyway really? It was a fluke. Reaching for one of the towels you took a deep breath. You were too emotionally exhausted to deal with him, or really anyone for that matter. You just wanted to return to your room. Return to the warmth of your bed and the male that-

“Hi,” Azriel stood on the opposite side of the oven. The thought was cut off by the soft tenor that slithered over you.

“Hi,” Your response was short as you leaned over and opened the oven door. The hot dry air felt like sand blasting against your eyes, your glasses doing nothing to protect them from the heat.

“Could we-”

“I can’t do this with you right now Azriel,” You tried your best to set the cast iron skillet gently on the stove top. The metal clanging loudly as you nearly dropped it from the heat that rapidly soaked through the towel you used to pull it out of the oven. He cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry to hear about what happened at the Prison earlier today,” Azriel’s voice was low. You briefly wondered how he had even heard about the failed portal and then remembered his shadow singing abilities and his position in the court. Of course, Azriel would have easily found out.

“I said not now,” He ignored you and took a step closer. You chanced a glance towards the door swaying on its hinges. Elain having just left in a rush, confirming all the more that she was assisting Azriel in finally cornering you. And perhaps she wasn’t too happy about it either if the force of which the door continued to swing was any indication. His multitude of attempts to speak to you outside of the flight time to and from your training over the past couple months had been unsuccessful thus far.

You were forced to have that contact with him, and while this morning’s behavior would give anyone on the outside a reason to believe you two were close, the fact was that there was still a lot of tension between the two of you. And with today’s events bringing up emotions you hadn’t fully processed, you were already drained. You didn’t have the energy to deal with anything he may have to say to you. And anything he had to say could wait until the morning.

“Then when? I’ve been trying to talk to you for months (Y/N),” He took another tentative step towards you. You took a step back, wringing the towel in your hands. A shadow curled over his shoulder as if it too expected an answer. The dark memory of those same shadows flashed in front of you. You were at least grateful for the fact that you weren’t trembling, well not yet anyway. Perhaps the forced proximity was helping and the interaction this morning wasn’t just some weird fluke.

“You had the opportunity to talk to me this morning,” You slung the towel over your shoulder and steeled your nerves before finally meeting his hazel gaze. “And what the hell was with you this morning?” His brows furrowed. “The Apple? And the Koala comment. I didn’t even know those existed here.” You clarified. The edges of his lips twitched, but he merely shrugged in response.

“It relieved some of the tension did it not?” You could tell he was fighting back a smirk.

“Tension? You think that…” No jokes like this wasn’t his style. With the forced proximity, you had been able to observe how he interacted with others. His sense of humor was drier, much like your own. So, who told him to joke like this? “Do you honestly think that pretending things are just fine…that jokes will magically make everything better?”

“No,” He sighed. “I know that they won’t, but they can help with creating an opening for an apology. It’s the apology- a proper apology that may help get us off the wrong foot we started on.” You were silent. You honestly never expected to receive an apology from him. You had acknowledged long ago that he was following the orders of his High Lord. Was that who was pulling his strings now? The ever obedient Azriel, performing his duties to his court in keeping his loved ones safe by making sure there was no threat from you. While you recognized that he may not have enjoyed his task, how could you expect him to apologize for…doing his job. You certainly hadn’t ever apologized for doing yours. Furthermore, it wasn’t like his words alone would take away the invisible scars of the trauma your time with him caused.

“I want to apologize for…well mainly for how…the situation that…” You scoffed. This most certainly wasn’t a genuine apology. He couldn’t even say it. He couldn’t even say two simple words let alone ever admit the extent of what he did to you in that cell. You shook your head at the way he continued to fumble over his words before you resumed your task of finding a knife to slice the bread cooling on the stove top.

“Just stop,” You took the bread knife out of the block, a metallic ting ringing through the near empty kitchen. His voice trailed off and one of his shadows curled around your wrist. You yelped as the cold of the shadow practically burned your skin. The knife in your hand now clanking against the stone floor.

“I’m sorry,” Azriel stooped down to pick up the object. You desperately tried to control your breaths. You couldn’t tell if the heavy feeling on your chest was from the rising panic that the shadow conjured or the ire of him being able to say those words so easily for something that didn’t matter. A simple accident, such as dropping a knife, was nothing to apologize for, but torture and abuse certainly was.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N),” He whispered, handing you the knife. “For so many things.” After taking the knife from his scared hands, all you could do was blink. Everything fell silent. You were certain that those in the dining room had gone quiet so as to try and listen into your conversation. You really didn’t want to have this conversation. Mainly because you had no idea how to respond. It had been a year and you still didn’t know how to really move on. While most nights were now nightmare free, you believed that was only because you weren’t always alone in your bed. How could you trust anyone that couldn’t see you were still do dependent on the presence of another to just be normal? For it was when you were alone that the memories haunted you.

You turned the wash basin’s tap allowing the water to pelt against the metal of the knife. Each drop appeared to move in slow motion as they struck the blade. Hopefully the sound of the rushing water would be clue enough for him to end the conversation. Instead, out of your peripherals, you caught him leaning his hip against the side of the basin. His head tilted to try and look at your face. Your hands began to shake so you did your best to busy them with the needless task of cleaning the blade.

“Did you-”

 “I appreciate the effort it took to apologize, Azriel,” You took in a deep steadying breath. “But I’m not in a place where I can easily forgive you. Not just yet.” You recognized that at least that much needed to be said. ‘Acknowledge the apology, even though it is like a farce. You are not obligated to accept it. You don’t owe this male anything. It is Rhysand’s order that forces you to be close to him. Not his own desire to make things right.’ You had to actively fight against the images that started to creep up into your mind.

“I didn’t expect you to,” He countered. “I know healing from trauma takes time and you needed space.”

“And yet you cornered me in the kitchen, completely ignoring my telling you I didn’t want to have this conversation,” You turned the knife over in your hands, letting the now soaked cloth wipe down the blade. Your eyes had long ago left his, focusing on the task in front of you.

“You should have let me come to you-”

“Would you?” His voice took on a slight edge making your heartbeat tick up a few paces. You tried not to remember the last time you heard that tone, but the echoes of his demands resounded through you. ‘ANSWER ME!’ Your body flinched at the memory of an invisible slash across your forearm. You nearly dropped the knife a second time.

“How am I supposed to know when to approach you or when you will be ready to start healing?” You whipped your head towards the male and you felt the spark of your ire ignite. Unfortunately, the anger did nothing to dispel the fear.

“You will know when I tell you,” Your own seething voice was soft. “And my healing is not your, nor anyone else’s responsibility. It is mine. Alone.” Your felt the muscle in your jaw tick as you worked to keep your breath steady. Instead it just felt shallow from the heaviness that coated your chest.

‘STOP LYING!’ Another phantom shout and the heaviness threatened to constrict your airway altogether. It had been a while since the memories of his torture interrupted your waking thoughts. This was the longest you had been left alone with him in a year. The flights to and from the House of Wind never allowed for conversation. If you were to get through this dinner, you needed the memories to go back in their box.

“Have you told that to your Autumn Lord?” His voice held a quiet venom that you had become all too familiar with. One you were certain that his family knew nothing about. “Or do you just enjoy flaunting having another female’s mate in your bed?” Red filled your vision as it tunneled down and a high pitch tone washed over you. You barely registered the feeling of the knife as you flipped it in your hands. The point of the blade creating a dent in the skin under his chin. A thin line of crimson liquid slowly dripped down along the sharp edge.

“Lucien is my friend,” You spat. “Do not talk about him like he is some dishonorable fiend.” 

“Good to see your training is paying off,” Azriel’s smile was dangerous. “You actually managed to cut me.”

“So much for an apology,” You scoffed pulling the knife away. “You’re still just as cruel as you were in that cell.” Azriel took a quick step back, just as the door swung back open. The middle Archeron sister briskly making her away over towards you. The pin drop of blood was now gone from his chin, leaving only the tension in the air between you and the male. Her eyes trailed over the Shadowsinger as she walked by. If you didn’t know any better, you would have sworn that they had their own telepathic communication from the brief look before she plastered a smile on her pink lips.

“Everything is ready,” Elain’s clear and steady voice cut right through the heavy atmosphere. Her smile slowly putting you at ease, allowing you to feel comfortable enough to set down the knife. You and Elain got along quite surprisingly, but there was something strained in her smile towards you. Did she know? Did she put Azriel up to confronting you about her mate and where he slept? You felt your gut twist at the fact that if she knew and felt like she couldn’t say anything to you directly…fuck. You needed to have a talk with Lucien. Though, that talk would have to wait until after this stupid dinner.

Your conversation with Azriel just fueled your doubt and you didn’t want to be here. Maybe you could convince Rhysand to let you go home. It should be a relief to him anyway. You were not considered family to any of them. You were the hired help, no more and no less. Being Nyx’s nanny gave you some type of purpose anyway. There really wasn’t anything else for you to do in this court while you waited to hear if Helion would allow you to step foot into the Day Court. All you could do was wait.

“Ewain!” The kitchen door slammed open with a surprising force, nearly knocking back into the toddler as he chased after his aunt on his tip toes. He rounded the corner of the center island workspace, large bright violet eyes lighting up when he saw you. The child squealed, forgetting his Aunt entirely and made a beeline directly for you. Arms stretched out and up as he continued to run. Nyx reminded you so much of your own nephew, right down to the dark black curls and tan completion. Honestly the only physical difference was the eye color and bat wings that the little one running towards you possessed. You fought back the tears as you scooped him up into your arms.

“Hello my little one,” You cooed before showering him in a flurry of kisses to his now clean chubby cheeks. “Let’s go eat, shall we?” Thankful for the distraction, you carried Nyx out of the kitchen without even a second glance at the male that still very much frightened you.

            A shadow slithered along Azriel’s forearm before winding its way up yours. The bitter cold that the shadow left in its wake burned into your bones. Pain shot down your spine as the shadow wrapped around your throat. The pressure just enough to slow down your ragged breaths. At least that was the intention. Your panicked mind just forced your body to take in shallow gasps. Torn between wanting to get as much air as possible in one instance verse knowing that oxygen needed to be conserved. It didn’t matter though. The darkness around your vision sunk in, your eyes fluttering closed. A soft clicking of the tongue in admonishment. Followed by a sharp pain to your side, the pain seeped into a burn that spread along your entire oblique. You screamed and sobbed. The shadow at your throat slowly twined its way up and around your ear. The whisper soft caress almost that of a lover. That was until the voices started. The voices you always heard in the back of your mind. Worthless, Disgusting, Unloved, Unwanted, Pathetic. The words swirled around you, growing louder with each passing second.

‘You are nothing. So just share your secrets.’

‘Yes, spill them alongside your blood.’

‘Worthless.’

‘Disgusting.’ You tried to shake the swirling voices away, but your head was just so heavy.

 ‘Unloved.’

‘Unwanted.’ You tried to cry, but nothing escaped the darkness those shadows brought.

‘Pathetic.’

‘She’s going to die.’

‘Just die.’

“Will you answer me! Please!” How could you speak though? It wasn’t going to matter what you said, it would only tighten the noose already viciously wrapped around your neck. You didn’t know what else to say.

“(Y/N)! Please!”

 “(Y/N)?” Feyre’s concerned voice cut through the memory. Your body flinched against your will as she gently placed her hand on your arm. You blinked against the brightness of the dining room. You hadn’t even realized the memory complete over took you in the middle of a conversation. You carefully glanced up along the table, each pair of eyes looking at you. You couldn’t determine which sets held genuine concern. Rhysand and Azriel were the only ones that appeared to be complete unaffected by your dissociation. However, you quickly realized they had been having their own mental conversation after the flecks of green returned to the Shadow Singer’s iris.

“S-Sorry,” You tried to cover up the crack in your voice. “It’s been a long day.”

“Then perhaps it would be a good idea for you to take tomorrow off after all?” You had previously told the High Lady that a day off to process would not be necessary. That you were happy to be with Nyx and being with him was enough. But given the looks you were getting from the entirety of the Night Court’s Inner Circle, maybe you should be grateful and take her up on the offer.

“Perhaps,” You mumbled. Your gaze traveled back to the toddler you sat next to. The child smiled, not a care in the world or knowledge of the horror that it held. He banged on the table next to his plate, crumbs lifting into the air briefly. You let out a soft laugh and pushed the darkness from your mind. You took the napkin that had been on your lap, the child’s own being on the floor, and dipped it in your water glass. You quickly cleaned up the juice from the roast that lined his lips and kissed the child’s forehead.

“You’re right,” After placing the dirty napkin on the table you pushed your chair out and stood. You moved Nyx’s highchair out, his arms immediately lifting up in anticipation of being picked up.

“Before you leave,” Rhysand’s voice was smooth. “Helion has agreed to meet you. Next week you’ll go to the Day Court. Az-” The High Lord paused and you were certain that it had to do with the fear that locked onto your body. “Lucien…and Mor will accompany you.” After a beat you managed to dip your head in acknowledgement. You picked up Nyx from his seat, allowing Feyre to give him a kiss before carrying him over to his father. Rhysand gave the child his own kiss before tapping him on the nose. The energy of the male was so different when interacting with his son. It always surprised you. Nevertheless, Nyx said his good byes to all at the table before you took him upstairs.

Back in your world you had helped your own nephew plenty of times in getting ready for bed. Each night with him was hell on Earth and a never-ending fight until he finally passed out from whatever tantrum he threw. Nyx’s bedtime routine was the exact opposite. He enjoyed every minute of his bath and didn’t fight against you when you washed his hair or told him it was time to get out. He enjoyed picking out his own pajamas, and he absolutely loved his stories and your songs. Tonight, he practically begged for a combination of story and song. So, you wracked your brain for a story that would fit the bill while still sending the child off to sleep.

“Alright then little one,” You sat on his bed, back against the headboard. “Cuddle close. I’m going to tell you another story about the two sisters from Arendelle. In this story, Elsa explores an enchanted forest and finds the truth of her powers from the river, Ahtohallan.” Nyx clapped in excitement as you dramatically cleared your throat. Smiling down at the child, you began to sing.

Where the North wind meets the sea…  

Next: Chapter 9 (Part 1)-Coming Soon

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[actual-changeling]

my brain is still stuck on my last meta post so uhhhh have a fix it ficlet???? this is very soft and angsty and i am abusing italics as usual but honestly i really needed it.

-

"Crowley," the whisper escapes him without intention, an exhale shaped into a plea by a mouth that has been betraying both of them.

Aziraphale does not know what about it makes both of them freeze, but they do, Crowley's hands still and his glasses close enough to his face, they would catch his tears if they fell now. He does know him, though. God, does he know him, and it is more than just that, always has been.

Even with the sunlight warm on his cheek, it feels wrong for him to be putting his shades back on, a disturbance of the balance they have created on a primal level, a claw tearing at the space they have carved out for themselves. All emotions were about to leave his eyes, despite the tears, golden irises dimming and losing their sparkle, and the person he loves disappearing behind a wall he somehow senses he would not be able to break through—maybe not ever.

That thought more than anything is what scares him, what caused his name to spill from his lips. Heaven is a hand around his throat, pulling him back in, away from earth, with the most tantalising offer they have ever made him—an offer Crowley rejected—but everything pales compared to losing him.

His hands are shaking, fine tremors running through Crowley's fingers and causing the faintest noise of rattling metal, but his eyes remain downcast. It is, Aziraphale realises, a chance he does not deserve but was nevertheless granted.

"Crowley," he repeats, incapable of saying anything except his name, and it echoes in his mind as fear sits heavy in his chest.

Crowley Crowley Crowley Crowley

"Please."

He doesn't know what he is asking for, but his fingertips have gone ice cold, and his breathing grows more and more shallow with every inhale. A myriad of confessions he wants to make, should have made long ago, and several lifetimes worth of utter devotion to the one being he wants to spend eternity with, angels or not. Above all, he needs Crowley to be safe and happy, and he thought—still thinks, in the part of his brain that isn't paralysed—that being able to return to heaven, to his stars, would give him that happiness.

In the background, the clock ticks and ticks, time passing impossibly slowly and too fast, and Aziraphale cannot feel his breath anymore, his pulse a white-crowned river in his ears.

Crowley's hands are trembling harder than before, tears clinging to his waterline like raindrops on storm clouds, and with an odd sense of relief and electricity prickling in his veins, he allows his body to take the reins. Before he can change his mind or panic any further, before Crowley can change his mind, he is tipping forward until their foreheads touch and gently, oh so gently, sliding his palms along the outside of his wrists.

His skin seems to be the same temperature as his, cold and clammy with fear, his fingers wrap loosely around his hands to absorb their tremors, and Aziraphale feels his breath ghost across his face when all the air leaves Crowley's body. Tears do fall then, both of their cheeks growing wet, but they stay connected with fluttering lashes and tension gradually draining from their bodies.

When Crowley speaks, he feels it more than he hears it—vibrations and puffs of air against his skin.

"Stay, angel, please," soft and desperate and real and Crowley.

His Crowley.

Even with heaven digging invisible nails into the line of his throat and the Metatron's voice painfully bright in his ears, Aziraphale leans towards Crowley, into their touch, and swallows the taste of disobedience like a dying man finding water in the desert.

"Okay. I'll stay." For you, he doesn't add, cannot add just yet, but it is there all the same.

Aziraphale has no idea how he is going to break the news or escape heaven's grasp, he has no clue how to fix any of this, but what he does know is that he loves Crowley, and Crowley loves him—and whatever happens, they will survive it together.

[starlit-dreaming]

☼ re: itbomm [masterpost] ☾

Fandom: WMMAP (Who Made Me A Princess) Rating: M (due to sensitive content) Major/Eventual Ships: OC x OC, Lucathy Minor Ships: Felily, Claudiana, Calena, and more Last Updated: 4/25/2024 Summary:

“Maybe next time.”

Athan was what one might call an anti-fan for The Lovely Princess novel — that is, he loved to hate it. It was total garbage, but the writing was pretty lit. Imagine his surprise when he finds himself reborn as a baby in that same garbage novel’s universe.

Or rather, a Lovely Princess fanfic he always reread in his previous life.

//A retelling wherein Athanasia has a younger twin brother… or at least, that’s what it should’ve been.

Author Notes:

1. Toska by Starshine-Dreaming does NOT exist as an actual fanfic.

It’s meant to be a bit of an inside joke and to reference myself (as my username is Starlit-Dreaming and I wanted to indulge in a few jokes to keep myself sane during the long writing process), but it’s possible that Toska will actually be written one day, but that would have to wait years down the line.

2. While I never mention actual fanfics in my stories, manhwas will be referenced with their full titles (usually in their English titles) for those interested.

3. This is a rewrite.

Some things will remain the same, and some things won’t be. The main difference for returning readers is that Athan and Athy will both have different recollections of The Lovely Princess, in which Athy read the novel and Athan was obsessed with a fanfic version of it.

4. Every chapter is, more or less, named from a song lyric. I do have a playlist being worked on, but it’ll stay as a WIP until the completion of this fic. Probably.

5. Unlike before, I will be showcasing the whole telepathy in ‘bold’ while actual thoughts will remain in ‘italics’. This is to avoid any confusion and to emphasize what’s being told to another character versus what’s being self-contained. Texts that are completely italicized are flashbacks and dream scenes.

CW/Content Warnings:

• Suicide (eventually discussed, mostly implied/referenced with the exception of certain chapters)

• Death (discussions/referenced)

• Murder (implied/referenced)

• Sexual Assault (eventually implied/referenced)

• Child Abuse (implied/referenced)

• Child Neglect (implied/referenced/discussed)

• Depression (implied/referenced/discussed)

• Unrequited Love

• Toxic Relationship (eventually implied/referenced)

• Unreliable Narrator

• Transphobia (internalized and past mentions)

• Dead Names (dead names will be used)

• Emetophobia (mentioned)

• Pedophilia (mentioned adult/minor relationship)

• Kidnapping

• Homophobia (internalized and past mentions)

• Infidelity (discussions and mentions)

Possibly More to be Added

Please inform me of any potential triggers that might affect you so that I’m made aware of whether or not it’s something to be added!

ALSO, due to the fact that this story heavily features suicide and grief, it will NOT be mentioned as an individual chapter warning unless it’s explicitly shown or deliberately discussed.

——————————

☼   MASTERLIST  ☾

——————————

Prologue

0 || an unfinished prologue

ACT 1: Beginning of The End

1 || let’s just live day by day

2 || we always knew that it’d come to this

3 || crystal clear, chlorinated and sky blue

4 || and i sank into the water

5 || and now i know there’s something more

TBD

///// EVERYTHING BELOW IS SUBJECTED TO CHANGE

ACT 2: Toska’s Villainess

Verena’s Intro + Athy’s Mini Coma Arc

TBD

Act 3: War Prevention Committee

General Intro + Hunting Comp Pre-Req

TBD

ACT 4: Competition and Revelations

Hunting Comp

TBD

ACT 5: In For A Pound, In For A Penny

Study Abroad Arc

Part 1 (8-9 y/o) - making friends

Part 2 (9-11 y/o) - in which autumn ruins plot

Part 3 (11-13 y/o) - athan gets Realizations^tm

TBD

ACT 6: Quand C’est Fini (“When It’s Over”)

tl;dr Lottie’s Arc

TBD

ACT 7: To Be Right Is To Be Wrong

Débutante Arc

TBD

ACT 8: Soaring High Into The Skies

Imposter Syndrome

TBD

ACT 9: To Be Driven by Obsession

Kidnapping Arc

TBD

ACT 10: “Maybe Next Time.”

Wish

TBD

ACT 11: A Dream That Will Never Be

Truths

TBD

ACT 12: End of The Beginning

TBD

Finale

Additional / After Stories

[idyllic-affections]

REGARIDNG REQUESTS AND SUGGESTIONS — ♡

please read this post thoroughly before entering my inbox with a thought or a request. requests are currenly open for mutuals only, unless stated otherwise.

request rules are as follows:

1. as per the theme of my blog, please only send me platonic and sfw requests. as a general statement, if anyone (anon, mutual, or otherwise) sends an nsfw thought into my inbox, i will block you so fucking fast. don't do it.

2. i only write for gn!reader (they/them); my content is largely targeted towards aroacespec non-binary folk, but anyone can read it and you are free to imagine any pronouns! please do not request fem!reader or fem-aligned!reader. while i will take male!reader or male-aligned!reader reqs, please be mindful of the fact that i do NOT know what it's like to be a dude so... accuracy may vary, i suppose. /lh neopronoun and more specific non-binary gender identity requests are welcome! please just make sure you send me the full pronoun set as a reference <3

3. be polite! and patient. i am human and a full-time student. requests may not be posted for months. they may be posted within a week. who knows? i don't, so please be patient!

4. generally, i'm open to writing most topics (except pregnancy and its related topics, yandere, abuse done by the character you are requesting, or s/h and active suicidal intent requests; please do not send me reqs about these topics). shoot me an ask if you're uncertain about your request's content!

5. do not be hateful towards anyone (except hate anons, i will not be protecting them). if you are, or if i find out that you are being hateful on your blog or somewhere else, i will block you 👍

if you are not a mutual but still have ideas you want to share, please read the following:

requests are closed. however, please do not feel disheartened—i am still accepting thoughts and suggestions! you all will still be seen and heard, but there is no guarantee that i will take your thoughts and create something out of them. so, if you want to ramble in my inbox about a character you like, go for it! all suggestions/thoughts must abide by the request rules described in the section above.

the characters i write for are listed below. italics indicates a favorite of mine.

→ genshin impact. venti, zhongli, ei, nahida, sucrose, kaeya, klee, aether, lumine, xiao, beidou, ningguang, baizhu, qiqi, kazuha, kokomi, collei, tighnari, cyno, alhaitham, kaveh, nilou, wanderer/scaramouche, il dottore, pantalone, arlecchino, childe, columbina, la signora, lyney, lynette, freminet, furina, neuvillette, clorinde, navia, wriothesley.

→ demon slayer. tanjiro, nezuko, zenitsu, inosuke, tengen and his wives, kyojuro, mitsuri, shinobu, kanao, kanae, giyuu, obanai, muichiro, yuichiro, kagaya, rui, enmu, douma, & gyomei.

→ toilet-bound hanako-kun. hanako, nene, kou, mitsuba, sakura, yako, and tsuchigomori.

→ stardew valley. elliott, leah.

→ honkai: star rail. dan heng (including il), welt yang, himeko, march 7th, stelle, natasha, hook, clara, serval, gepard, sampo, jing yuan, yanqing, kafka, asta, and arlan. maybe yaoshi if you ask nicely.

[angst-fairygodmother]

Widower (A Dad!Diego/The Umbrella Academy Fic)

A/N: I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I am putting it out into the universe. But not actually making it canon (when did the Dad!Diego fics develop a canon? What is life?) so feel free to just pretend it never happened. I just needed to be angsty. Word Count: 1270 Content Warnings: Major Character Death; poorly handled grief; a few well placed swears

It had been a long time since he’d worn black. Ever since Y/N came into his life, he hadn’t felt like he needed it. He could be freer, he could let color in, he could be happy, content.

Eugene squirmed on his lap. The little boy was too young to know what was going on, just that he was uncomfortable in his itchy black baby-sized suit and that he was bored. Maggie knew a little better, in that she sensed that something was wrong, and that he was sad and squirming or complaining were the wrong thing to do. So she sat dutifully beside her father and brother on the hardback chairs, legs swinging slightly, and tried her hardest to be good. 

“Hey Diego,” Allison murmured, suddenly appearing in the row behind him, leaning forward to talk softly to her brother, a tenderness between them that wasn’t usually there. “Do you want me to take the kids tonight, give you a little time to...deal with things by yourself?”

He turned to look back at his sister, so tired of being sad that his expression was completely blank, lifeless behind the eyes.

“T-t-t-t-t-that’s…” he closed his eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I c-c-c-an’t.”

His stutter hadn’t been this bad since they were just young kids, since he had their father scolding him several times a day for not living up to an impossible standard. Her frown deepened.

“Diego, what do you mean you can't? It wouldn’t be an imposition, and…”

He shook his head. “N-no. If I...i-if th-they’r-re n-not…” his voice dropped to a mumble unable to force his mouth to make sounds at full volume. 

“Never s-s-see th-e-em-m ag-g-g-ain,” she managed to catch, and immediately she wrapped her arms around him from their awkward position. Of course after everything that he’d been through this past week that would be his fear. She felt guilty that she hadn’t thought of it right away.

“Oh Diego,” she sighed. “They’ll be alright, I’ll make sure of it. Or I can take them to the Academy, have everyone there to watch out for them. But I understand. As a parent, your kids mean the world to you. We could have a ‘sleepover’ at your place? Me and Claire, and maybe the others?”

He shook his head and opened his mouth to tell her that he’d be okay. But he knew that was a lie. He didn’t think he’d ever be okay again. But all the old habits Y/N had helped him break - the determination that he had to do everything alone and the certainty that he wasn’t allowed to show how he was feeling - came crashing back down around him like prison bars. 

“No,” he snapped, pulling away from her comforting touch. “I’ll h-handle it.”

“If you change your mind…”

“I’m fine, Allison.”

~

“Daddy,” Maggie asked him a few mornings later at breakfast. “W-where’s Mom-my?”

His eyes met her confused and pleading ones, the beat of his heart catching with the familiar skips of her stutter, and something inside him snapped. He dropped to his knees, face buried in his hands. 

“Daddy?” she asked, voice as full of concern as a four-year-old’s could be. 

But in that moment, tumbling head over heels, around and around, in the black hole of his despair, he could no longer hear his daughter. He couldn’t feel it when her little hand tugged at his shirt. Because it required a person to do those things, and he wasn’t anymore. He was nothing but his grief. 

“Diego,” a voice cut through his fugue. He couldn’t remember when he stopped crying, giving in to emptiness instead. There was nothing special about the voice, but something tickled in his mind that said it wasn’t supposed to be there. “Diego, get up.”

He thought he might have shook his head. 

“Diego, please,” the voice asked, begged. “Your children need you.”

Klaus. It was Klaus talking to him. What was he doing here? How did he get into his house? Where had he been at the fucking funeral?

He sat up and shoved at the hands on his shoulders, pushing Klaus away from him with a snarl, like a feral animal, full of hate and pain and fear and nothing somehow all at once.

“Okay. Calm down,” he couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Klaus sound so level. Because of course he wasn’t phased. It wasn’t his wife, the love of his life lying in a coffin under a mound of fresh dirt. 

“What do you want Klaus?” he snapped, choosing anger over the pain or the numbness he had been cycling through.

“Maggie called me. She’s very hard to understand over the phone. But she said you wouldn’t get up and asked me to come fix it.”

“You can’t. You can’t fix this. Nobody can.” His voice started as a growl and faded to a sigh.

“I know that, Diego. But my niece, your daughter, called and she was scared and what else was I supposed to do? Five’s here too, my chauffeur, entertaining the Squirt and the Bean so I could talk to you.”

“Like you actually care.”

“What?! Of course I care. You’re family, all of you. Including Y/N.”

“Then why didn’t you bother to come to the funeral?”

“I don’t mix well with funeral homes or graveyards. I...just couldn’t.”

Diego frowned, wanting to snap at his brother that he should have been there anyway, but knowing that it wouldn’t have been what she wanted. Y/N had understood Klaus’s fears and nightmares almost instinctively and done everything she could to help him with them. She wouldn’t have wanted him torture himself on her account, not when she wasn’t really there anymore. So he pulled back, shifted into a seated position on the floor, sitting across from Klaus and staring off into the distance.

“Have you...seen her?” he asked after a long while, voice flat.

Klaus shook his head regretfully. “Not yet. I can try again to conjure her, for you right now, if you want?”

Diego thought about it, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. Was that what he wanted? In that moment?

“No. Just, if you do find her or however it works, tell her…” he took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to gather the words within him. 

“A-ask her why she le-ft,” he blurted out. “Why she a-bb-bandoned us. I c-c-c-an’t do this al-l-lone without her.” 

Another sob shook his body and he collapsed like a puppet with its strings suddenly cut. Klaus was quick to catch him, holding his brother up. 

“If she had the choice, I’m sure Y/N would have stayed here, for you. But she couldn’t. I know it’s not fair and sucks,” he sighed, thinking of Dave briefly before returning his focus to the matter at hand. 

“You’re not alone,” he continued sagely. “I know it’s not the same as her, but you have all of us, if you’d just stop being so goddamn stubborn and let us help you. Team Zero and all that shit or whatever.”

When Diego looked up, his view danced past Klaus to Five in the doorway, Eugene asleep on his shoulder, tiny fist balled in the lapel of Five’s jacket (he still wore that goddamn uniform so often and it was weird, though Y/N had said it made sense, a sense of identity wrapped in blue linen). 

“We’re all here for you,” the oldest Hargreeves assured. “And for them.” He nodded his head toward his nephew with a faint, fond smile. “No matter what.”

[e-nonsense]

Hi! I would love a Jason Todd x reader where a reader from our world is teleported into their world, and the reader loves superheroes and is in love with Jason and soulmates exist in the DC world, but not in our world. The reader gets her soulmate name-tattoo when she’s transported to their world and it’s Jason. But when the reader first gets to their world she’s really freaking out bc she doesn’t know where she is but then she get’s saved by the batfam or smthn and she knows all their names

ONE WORLD TO ANOTHER

pairing. jason todd x fem!reader

warnings. character death, suicide, hints of child abuse

a/n. this isn’t exactly what you wanted, but i hope you’re happy with this. thoughts are italic unless its coloured

You felt yourself slipping away, people surrounded you. You were dead before anyone could help.

Your name a frantic whisper among your loved ones, "Y/n! Y/n!" but you couldn't bring yourself to care anymore. You had wanted this, you sought death. You wanted to die, and you always got what you wanted.

—

Jason always wondered why he never a mark. He never got a name, he assumed he was never meant to love, or have someone love him. He figured he was incapable of being loved, no saw him anymore.

He roamed Gotham like a ghost, served justice with his guns and fists. He felt he didn't need much more. But one day in the cave, his heart stopped, he couldn't breathe.

The man just collapsed, he was in so much pain and agony. He remembered feeling this for a split second when he died, but the continuous pain hurt so much.

When Dick rushed him over to the examination table, the pain in his heart stopped, and he felt a slight sting on the skin covering his collar bone.

His hand moved up to scratch it, but Alfred slapped his hand away and moved his shirt away from it. Jason assumed something was wrong with him, that maybe he got zapped or something during his earlier patrol. But everyone's shocked expressions and gasps worried him, "What is it?" he moved his head down to look and found himself at a loss for words.

Y/N (M/n) L/N

"I've got a-" he couldn't even say the word, he had already accepted it that he was made to love.

"Bullshit" he kept a leveled head though "Someone's fucking with me or something"

"Hello?!" everyone's head snapped from Jason to the exit of the Batcave. "Anyone home?" the voice sounded softer this time.

Everyone was running around the cave, desperately trying to get their suits off,except Jason. Instead he walked up the stairs, he looked... hypnotised?

He was enchanted by your voice, it made him calm. He wanted to hear it again. "Jason!" Dick's yelled and chased after him.

The rest of the family in pursuit right behind the two men, Alfred way ahead of them all.

When they all finally reached you, Jason stood there in awe.

You squinted you eyes at him, not the big red bat on his chest but at his face, only when Bruce cleared his throat you both snapped out of it muttering apologies and turning red.

Bruce was the first to speak "Who are you?"

"Who the hell are you?" you shot back, eyes slipping down to catch a glimpse of the bat emblem on his chest "holy shit-"

"is this heaven?" your question shocked most of the people in the room.

"what?"

"I died right?" you spoke softly, "I know I did, I made sure I would"

"You're dead?

"You and Todd have that in common-" Damian was slapped over the head before he could say much more.

"I'm so confused right now" you and Jason spoke at the same time.

Dick was apparently the only sane one in the room, "Okay, what's your name kid"

"What's yours?"

"I asked first"

You groaned, "Fine, I'm Y/n, Y/n L/n"

Jason choked on air, Damian smirked at him. Everyone else was unsure of what they were seeing, this was too big of a coincidence.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?"

This time it was Cass who broke the silence, "Do you mind if we check your collarbone?"

You were at a loss for words, "Um- weird request but sure I guess. Just don't do anything weird"

Cass stepped closer to you, motioning to the hem of the shirt to which you nodded.

Nothing bad can happen when the freaking Batman is standing right there.

She pulled it down slightly, and there in a red that matched Jason's helmet was his name; Jason Peter Todd

"Okay what the fuck-"

—

"So you're telling me that where you're from, we're comic book characters?"

"Yeah, and you're telling me that when I died I came here instead of my grave?"

"Yeah" Dick sat next to you, cup of coffee in hand. Bruce wanted to run some tests on you, he didn't find anything unusual. So he called in someone experienced with magic, he wasn't sure what else to do.

According to Fate, the reason Jason never got a name was because his love was too far from him, in another universe where he didn't exist, and he lived in one where she didn't. But the "bond" as he called it, was to strong for her to feeling anything without him, so when you died you were transferred to a universe you would be happy in.

One you'd never feel that emptiness ever again.

By the time Fate finished his ramble, Jason was blushing, like he was entirely red, your face wasn't much different.

Dick cleared his throat, signaling to the others that it was time to clear out and give you both a chance to talk.

He walked over to you and looked down, motioning to the space beside you. "You mind?"

"Hm? oh no, yeah sure"

"Soooo, where should we start?"

Oh this was going to be interesting.

© e-nonsense. do no copy/steal/translate. do it and I’ll bite your toes off

[readbyred]

Requests: open

fandoms I currently want to write for are in bold, those I particularly want to write rn are in colour

my fandoms:

The owl house

Tangled the series

Moomins

Starkid

IT

Stranger Things

Heroes of Olympus

Dead poets society

Camp Camp (wood scouts only!)

My babysitter’s a vampire

Amphibia

Miss Peregrine’s home for peculiar children (BOOKS)

Fear street

Dear Evan Hansen

Obey me!

Wednesday

The Legend of Vox Machina

HTTYD (+ RTTE)

[IN PROGRESS] Dragons: nine realms

Total Drama-verse

Grishaverse

this blog is

now STRICTLY A HEADCANONS BLOG

inclusive of all readers

okay with writing heavier topics; just to make things clear - if you (for example) will ask me to write a reader with depression you’ll get my best genuine depiction of a reader with depression - my goal is to make all readers feel loved bc they deserve to, not to glamourize things that should not be romanticized

open to mentioning topics such as (but not limited to): physical abuse, non-physical abuse, mental disorders, violence, gore, death, dealing with trauma, disability

NOT OKAY WITH PROVIDING SEXUAL CONTENT

more than okay with writing platonic and familial relationships

cool with yandere requests (characters I can write as yanderes are listed below in italics)

characters I write for:

TOH

luz, amity, eda (preferably platonic/parental), lilith (platonic/parental only), raine (preferably platonic/parental), darius, kikimora, willow, gus, edric, emira, mattholomule, bria, gavin, boscha, hunter, vee

TTS

rapunzel, eugene, cassandra, varian, every other character that appeared in the series (except for the King, I just don't like him)

MOOMINS/MOOMINVALLEY

moomin, sniff, snorkmaiden, snufkin

SK

hhh just ask but I write for like, almost everyone

IT

the teen losers club, platonic eddie corcoran (book-based), teen Henry bowers, can try doing the g00ns but this will be fanon based

ST

lucas, max, eleven, mike, dustin, will, steve, robin

HOO/PJO

octavian, reyna, percy, piper, annabeth, leo, calypso, rachel, nico, jason, frank, hazel, alabaster

DPS

chris, charlie, knox, todd, neil, cameron

CC

woodscous lol preferably pikeman bc idc about the series anymore, he was cool though

MBAV

ethan, rory, erica, sarah, benny’s on thin f*cking ice /hj, jesse

AMPHIBIA

sasha, marcy, anne

MPHFPC

horace, emma, enoch, jacob, bronwyn, hugh, fiona, millard; the rest of the main group is good too as long as it's not romantic

FS

Deena, Sam, Kate, Simon, Josh, Ryan, young Ziggy, Cindy, Alice, young Nick

DEH

jared

R&M

morty, jessica, beth, jerry, summer

OM!

levi, solomon, asmo, (platonic) luke; edit: now the brothers, diavolo and simeon too

WEDNESDAY

enid, tyler, bianca, eugene, ajax, i can try writing wednesday or xavier

TLOVM

main squad

HTTYD/RTTE

astrid, hiccup, snotlout, tuffnut, ruffnut, fishlegs, heather, gustav, dagur

[LOADING…] D9R

still unsure who I will write for; d’angelo and buzzsaw are for certain, we’ll see about the rest

TOTAL DRAMA

old gen: scott, cody, heather, lindsay, sierra, katie, sadie, courtney, ezekiel (before the monster mess), harold, gwen

new gen: emma, millie, zee, wayne, raj, julia, nichelle, axel, damien, ripper, priya. maybe scary girl if you ask nicely /hj edit: chase grew on me, I’ll write for him 2

Grishaverse

alina, mal, aleksander, ivan, tamar, genya, some queerplatonic yuri if anyone wants that and it's not just me

inej, nina, matthias, kaz, wylan, jesper

in progress: nikolai, zoya, kuwei, leoni

[user21340]

my only exception

(i don’t own this gif or any of the characters in this fic)

summary: you and nat are separated when in the Red Room. you both are reunited. after holding onto a couple things to give her for a couple years you both realize love is well and alive.

warnings: violence, abuse, swearing, lil angst, fluff

pairing: natasha romanoff x fem!reader

word count: nearly 1.8k

a/n: omg i don’t know what to say! thank you for all the support on the stuff i’ve released so far. it’s super crazy seeing some of my favorite writers following me. thank you so so much for 30 followers! much love 💕💕

(italics in dialogue mean the person is speaking russian)

sorry for any mistakes i wrote this at 3am and have to get up for school at 6 😪 no bueno

It was a cold and stormy night as the power in the Red Room continuously flickered on and off even with the help of a high powered generator.

You and Natalia had been waiting for an event like this to occur so you could break out. Even though both herself and you lived only a small bit of life outside in the real world before you were taken in and trained to become a weapon, both of your humanly morals knew right from wrong. The Red Room’s treatment definitely being a wrong.

Madame B and the other monstrous staff at this facility put all you girls to bed roughly an hour ago. Nat and yourself undid your cuffs connecting your wrist to the metal bedframe so you could pack the few things you both owned before you made your escape. Both of you had talked this plan over through and through so you both were on the same page as soon as you saw that flicker of a power outage surge though the site.

At the moment you both were eighteen years old meaning both of you had proven yourselves worthy enough to hone a spot at this academy and had graduated a couple months prior.

GAME PLAN

Some information you had gathered which the staff weren’t aware of was every time the power flickered off, it disarmed and unlocked the exit door/s for nearly five seconds. The weather has been dry but cold lately not making this discovery too useful. The plan was to sneak over to uncuff yourselves in the middle of the night when these brief power outages were occurring, pack your items, and as you were about to escape bang on the wall of the large room where the girls kept at the academy would sleep to create enough of a distraction before you were out and free for good. Easy right? How wrong you’d be.

When it was time for the distraction, Nat stood by the door waiting for the next surge of lightning of whatever broke the electricities stability as you walked to the far side of the sleeping quarters where you were sure you’d have enough time to bang on the walls and sprint out of that door.

You heard a crash of thunder so you knew your escape chance would be soon. As you were about to start banging on the walls you see a door knob parallel to Nat but far away none the less start turning.

BAM

Lightning strikes, what seems to be right outside of the building. You sprint for the door only to have your arm caught by one of Madame B’s henchmen.

Just like that the power flickers.

five.

Without much thought you break away from the man’s grasp lunge at Natalia who happened to be at the door.

four.

“We’ll meet again Natalia.” you speak softly

three.

You shove her out of the door with all of your might.

two.

You use all of your remaining strength that you can muster up to slam the heavy metal door closed.

one.

Click

The door locks once again.

“You stupid little bitch. Get over here NOW!” the man practically growls.

You slowly and steadily walk over to the man as he gruesomely pummels and kicks you.

Sure the beatings, mind torture and manipulation hurt, but you’ve never experienced any kind of pain on the same caliber to what being separated from Natalia feels like.

Madame B is more than disappointed, enraged and annoyed with one of her ‘star students’. You receive daily beatings and long, tiresome training hours for helping Natalia escape. Although everyone is ‘replaceable’ in the minds of the staff as well as Madame B, they just lost Natalia so they couldn’t afford to lose you as well.

Months later the beatings finally slow down to a couple a week which you are able to endure. Madame’s mission now is to make a monster out of you by pushing you to and past your limits when training.

One night you finally drift off to sleep. You hate sleeping. It’s a constant replay of your last night with Nat. Only hoping that she made it to civilization safe and sound and is living a normal teens life. However, tonight’s dream is different. In this dream you see yourself shoving your packed-escape bag between your mattress and bedframe as you are bleeding out on the ground from the beatings. You wake up in a cold sweat and manage to kneel on the ground and slowly lift up your mattress only to find that same, small bag filled with the few, but important belongings of yours and Nat’s. You open up the bag forgetting all about what you both had packed. The most important items you see is a picture of Natalia as a toddler with alongside her mother and father, a small metal ring which you had made for her after stealing a small teaspoon at dinner, banging it against the concrete floor with a rock to flatten it out as you’d continuously bend it back and fourth so only the thinnest part is of the spoon is left which you bend into a ring before surprising Nat with it after you know she had a pretty rough day training, and lastly Nat’s papers containing important info about her such as her full name, birthplace, parents names, and birthdate.

November 22, 1984

November 22, 1984

November 22, 1984

November 22, 1984

You make sure you have this date burned into your head, latching onto any important information about her you can learn.

You hang onto those three items keeping them hidden.

Two and a half years later...

It’s late at night when you hear gunshots and fights breaking out throughout the facility. You quickly get up out of bed (once again undoing your cuffs) and grab those three items from under your mattress. You place them in your pocket getting ready to make a break for the outside world. As you reach for the door you turn back taking one last look at the place you’ve been living for pretty much the entirety of your life, only before a man in a funny red, white, and blue costume enters your view.

You bring your hands up ready for a fight.

“Look kid, I’m not here to fight you. We are breaking you out.” the man ensures

“Who even are you?” you sternly question

“Steve Rogers. But the public calls me Captain America.” his gaze settles on your figure, “Mind telling me who you are?” he pushes

“Names y/n, but look I’ve got places to be ma-“ you are cut off when Captain America’s jaw drops.

“No, we both know you don’t. But, you ARE coming with me.” you know there isn’t much room for protest but that won’t stop you from trying. You lunge at him and push him to the ground as you wave a small goodbye and sprint towards the door only for your body to fall on the ground limp. Realizing you’ve been stunned by something temporarily.

“YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” you shriek, he only chuckles.

“God, Nat was right about you.” she shakes he head with a small grin on his face.

“N-nat?” you whisper as you vision fades black.

You regain consciousness and look around only to find yourself in a weird windowy, loud vehicle type thing. You see a group of people standing around you but you see one particular familiar face hovering directly over yours lightly combing through your hair with one one hand and gently outlining your jawline with the other.

“NAT!” you screech, your brain is feeling too many emotions to comprehend at the moment.

Once she sees and hears you are awake she pulls you into a bone crushing hug.

“Y/n/n I’m so sorry I left you and you had to stay in that hellhole for so long alone I don’t know how I would’ve help up it if that-“ you cut her off

“Natalia, all that matters is I’m here with you right now.” you reason.

After getting off of what you learned is a ‘plane’ you and Nat spend hours together clinging onto one another as if, as soon as you separate you will be absent in her life for another couple years, vice versa.

Months pass by. Even though you and Nat have yet to label yourselves as a couple your hearts belong to one another after being attached to the hip to one another for pretty much every activity or mission you both do. In this time you were also recruited as an Avenger due to your skillful hand to hand combat and your masterful types of fighting you have nearly perfected from your time in the room.

The date just happens to be November 22. You are pretty sure no one in the compound is aware of Natalia’s birthday, hell, you aren’t even sure if she’s aware.

Today is the day you decide to return the missing items from her bag that you recover after she left.

You wake up next to her and wake her up with a long, graceful, soft kiss on her lips to which she responds shortly after by kissing you back as you feel as tiny smirk against your own lips.

“Hey, what was that for?” she asks playfully

“Ohhh nothing. Just maybe it’s for my favorite girl’s special day today.” Nat blushes.

“H-how’d you know?”

“Oh honey, I know e v e r y t h i n g.” you reply

Before she can respond you pull her to sit up on your shared bed and hand her an envelope containing her papers as well as he one and only photo of herself and her family.

As soon as she sees both items she sobs into your chest. (more because of the picture, you really only included her papers so she too would know all the most crucial parts of her life pre-red room era.

“Uh, uh, uh’” you tut,”One more thing.” you reach for her hand slowly and tell her to shut her eyes. You slowly slide the makeshift ring on her finger.

“Open.” you instruct

To which she gasps at the sight and just like the day you both were reunited you hugged and kissed for hours on end.

“Nat, will you be my girlfriend?” you ask with a sheepish smile.

“Of course y/n/n, I thought you’d never ask.” she takes a breath,“I know love is for children, but you are my only exception.”

“Ditto.” Natalia chuckles, “That is what the Americans say, right?” you backtrack with flushed cheeks.

She holds you tighter and presses a soft kiss to your forehead.

“Sure.” she breathes out.

[wicked-mind]

Find Me

Summary: Bucky finds his peace with Sam in Louisiana after dealing with the Flag Smashers. But when nightmares of a woman he can’t remember start haunting him, he has to find the reason why.

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: Maybe some swearing somewhere? Sad Bucky at some parts. Spoilers if you haven’t seen the movies.

Note: I’m, like, super proud of this one for some reason? I hope you all enjoy it (:

All Writings Masterlist

Italics for memories/dreams

As always, any likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! (: I love that shit.

*gifs not mine

The bunker hallway was ice cold, so cold he could see his own warm breath when he breathed. It felt like he had been walking down this hallway for hours, unable to find a way out. Once in a while he would hear a soft voice call his first name, James. It was a woman’s voice whispering in desperation for him. “Where are you?!” Bucky called through the hallway, “I can help you, just tell me where you are!” With no response, he continues his strides down the endless hallway. Every step he took closer to the end of the hallway that held a large metal door at the end it seemed like it shifted further and further away from him.

“You have to find me, James.” The voice whispered to him, her voice echoing through the hallway even though it was only a whisper, “Please find me.”

“I’m trying!” Bucky yelled out in frustration, turning his strides into a quick run. He ran as fast as he could towards the door at the end of the hallway but with every step he took towards the door, the further it shifted away from his grasp. He suddenly froze, feeling another presence around him. No, behind him. Before he could turn he felt two hands on the side of his temples from behind and sudden flashes ripped through his memory of his time with Hydra. Except everything and everybody was blurry except for a woman who stood back from the crowd, watching him with sad eyes, “Who are you?!” Bucky yelled, unable to move where he stood to look at who was causing these images through his head with their touch.

“Find me.” The voice said once more.

Bucky shot straight up from the couch, breathing hard from the nightmare. A few weeks after sorting things through with the Flag Smashers, these nightmares had started. Though they were different than just his usual nightmares. He never hurt anybody as the Winter Soldier in these nightmares, just saw the same hallway with the same metal door and the same voice whispering, pleading with him to find her. It was like now that everything was okay in his life again, something in his memory was trying to tell him something. Something about this woman he had to find. He took a few more deep breaths, calming himself down before making his way to Sam’s bathroom, splashing some water on his face to clean up the beaded sweat that covered his face and neck. He lifted his head to look in the mirror and for a moment he swore he saw the woman’s face in the mirror, making him jump. He turned quickly to see nothing there but the shower curtain. He ran his flesh hand over his face slowly. He would blame this on his lack of sleep from the nightmares.

Sam was in the yard, practicing throwing the shield he now could officially call his. He kept bouncing it around the trees before catching it, working on new ways to throw for offensive and defensive situations. He caught the shield as he saw Bucky making his way over to him with that tired, grumpy confused look on his face, “Another nightmare, tin-man?”

Bucky shrugs slightly at Sam’s question before stopping to stand next to him, “They’re getting worse. I saw the face to the voice this time. It’s a woman that was there during my time as the Winter Soldier. She keeps telling me to find her.” He sighs deeply, “I don’t know what all this means.” He said, taking the shield from Sam and throwing it at one of the trees set up with a mat before Sam caught it on its way back.

Sam hurled the shield at the tree, watching Bucky catch it with ease after it hit the bumper and flew back towards them, “And you don’t remember who she is at all?” He asked with an eyebrow raised. They always did better talking to each other when they trained otherwise it was usually just teasing or bickering but when they trained together it was different. They would talk about real things. Things friends would confide in each other.

Bucky shook his head, his brow furrowing, “I don’t remember who she is. But the way she looked at me in the dream… It feels like I know her.” He said, looking at Sam, “What if I do know her and she’s waiting for me to find her?”

Sam took the shield from Bucky, “Well you know what they say: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So you better find her because the last woman we pissed off tried to end us all.” He said before throwing the shield at a tree without one of the mats as a bumper, causing it to embed itself into the trunk, “Now I know you aren’t much of an artist, but if you can manage to sketch up her face we can try having Torres run it through their system. Maybe give you some clues onto who your mystery woman could be.”

“James.” The voice whispered right in his ear as he stood in the long hallway. Although it was just a dream or nightmare, it felt like more. Like these reoccurring dreams or nightmares had been planted in his mind by whoever he was supposed to find. It was like their way of communicating, “What?!” Bucky yelled, his arms swinging up into the air in frustration, “What do you want with me?! Who even are you?!”

It was silent for a moment before the voice came back, “I need you to find me. You promised.” The voice whispered into his ear, causing him to turn but saw nobody there except the metal wall. He turned back and faced the door at the end of the hallway he could never reach, “I don’t even remember a promise or who you are!” He grumbled out which apparently earned a small chuckle from the voice that whispered in his ear in the empty hallway, “Find me and I’ll show you everything.”

Bucky looks around the hallway slowly, “Alright. I’ll find you. But can you at least give me a hint on where to find you?” He asks softly, watching for any type of movement or hints the voice may give him.

“The last time we saw each other was 2014.” The voice whispers to him before he felt a soft touch to his temples again but nobody was there, the hallway changing to him looking at himself as the Winter Soldier in a chair, talking to Alexander Pierce. This was the moment that Bucky had started to remember Steve after failing to eliminate him and Natasha. Before they brainwashed him again. It was heartbreaking for Bucky to watch himself look so confused and lost, like an abused animal at the hands of Hydra, “Why are you showing me this?” Bucky asks softly, his voice shaking at the memory.

“This was the last time I saw you. This was the last place we spoke before they brainwashed you again.” The voice whispered, “I never left.”

Sam watched Bucky zip up his black backpack and swing it over his shoulders, folding his own arms across his chest, “You think they have her at the bank where you were kept?” He questions, watching Bucky grab all the belongings he would need to head back to Washington D.C.

Bucky nods with a huff, “Yeah. She showed me a memory after I was sent as the Winter Soldier to attack you three on the bridge. She was there at the bank. She says she’s still there.” Bucky responded.

Sam nods slowly, processing the information before looking at Bucky, “I’ll go with you in case you need some sort of back up.”

The two made their way to Washington D.C. When it was Sam’s turn to drive, Bucky folded his arms and leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep wondering what the woman in his dreams would show him this time.

“We’re coming for you.” Bucky said into the empty hallway, not even attempting to go for the door at the end of the hallway. He had done that enough times to know he would never reach it and it would just get further away. There was no response from the voice for his statement. Bucky sighs and looks and the floor before looking around him slowly, “Can you at least tell me something about you? I don’t know who you are…”

Suddenly a little girl appeared in front of Bucky, flickering into existence. She couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but those eyes were the same ones that stared at him sadly from the previous vision she had showed him. Bucky looked at her, his brow furrowing slightly at the sight of the young girl, “Is this you?”

“This is what I looked like the first time we met.” The girl said to him softly, “I was sixteen.”

Bucky took a few steps towards her but just like the door, every step he took she just got further away so he froze in his spot, “Why would Hydra want a young girl?” He questioned. In all of his memories of Hydra, there were never any kids.

“We met in 1951 before you were sent to aid Soviet forces in the Korean War. You met another super soldier there and came back without your metal arm.” The girl told him, her eyes flickering to his vibranium hand for a moment before back to him, “After that, when you were unfrozen with no missions, you were tasked with protecting me.”

Bucky tilts his head at her. She knew things. Things he never told anybody except Sam recently, “How do you know this? Why would Hydra keep you around?”

“They kept me around because I knew things. They called me a psychic or a seer.” The girl responded, “When my powers peaked…” She paused, her body changing into an older version of herself, “They kept be frozen with you until I was needed to tell them how your missions would go.”

Bucky watched her body change but he still didn’t recognize her and he wondered why. He had searched his mind for years, thinking he got back every memory but he couldn’t remember her, “Why don’t I remember you?”

“Because both of us decided it was better for you to not remember me until everything was okay again.”

Bucky opened his mouth to ask another question but everything faded in his dream to black, the last thing he saw was the woman turning and walking back towards the door.

“Buck! Wake up, man.” Sam said, nudging Bucky’s shoulder with his hand, “We’re here.”

Bucky opened his eyes to look up at the Ideal Federal Savings Bank which had been used by Pierce to house the Winter Soldier until he was needed. He swallowed hard at the sight of it. The last time he was here was after he pulled Steve from the river after taking out the Hellicarriers. He had come to kill the remaining Hydra scientists but let one live, not wanting more blood on his hands before he began a life on the run. He got out of the car silently, Sam on his heels as he walked into the bank. He made his way to vault where he was kept, remembering how he questioned Alexander Pierce on who the man on the bridge was, saying he knew him before getting his memory wiped again.

Sam looked around, all the Hydra technology had been taken and it was just an empty vault now, “You sure this is where she said she was?” He asks, looking around at the walls lined with small lockboxes. Some were opened but others were still locked shut.

Bucky nodded, looking over to Sam, “Yeah..” He replied, his fists clenching at the memories. This was the last place he wanted to be.

“I don’t suppose she told you where…” Sam said, walking around the vault and trying to find any hints.

“Nope.” Bucky said, moving around the room also to take in everything. On every wall the lockboxes were open. Except one section in a corner of the room, the lockboxes were shut and didn’t have any keyholes. Bucky tilted his head at them slightly before throwing a punch with his vibranium arm and just as he suspected, it was a false wall. He pried the wall apart with his strength until he was looking down the hallway from his dreams with the large metal door at the end, “That’s the door from my dreams.”

Sam walked over to look down the hallway, “Alright. Let’s go get your mystery woman.” He said, following behind Bucky down the long hallway.

Bucky felt as though the closer he got to the door it would get further away like in his dream, but that wasn’t the case. He crossed the hallway and put his hand on the handle to the metal door, sighing in relief slightly that it was real and he wasn’t going crazy or stuck in one of his dreams. He looked at Sam who nodded saying he was ready for whatever was on the other side before pulling it open. The two entered the room, looking around before their eyes fell on the cryostasis chamber. It was similar to the one Bucky had been placed in with Hydra. It was all steel with a small window and through the window, Bucky could see the face of the woman from his dreams looking like she was sleeping but ice covered her face and hair, “She’s here.” Bucky said softly. She was older, different from the teenager he saw in his dreams.

Sam came up beside Bucky to look inside at the woman, “So she’s been frozen here since 2014 and nobody has known?” Bucky looks at Sam and nods, “Yeah. Seems like she was an even more well-kept secret than the Winter Soldier was.” He said before backing away and going to the control panel. He hit the edge of it with his hand until the screen flickered on, pressing all the correct buttons to release the woman from the cryostasis chamber. They watched the ice around her slowly melt before the door popped open slightly. Bucky moved to open the door, catching the woman’s body in his arms and gently laid her down on the floor. Both Sam and Bucky kneeled down beside her, waiting for her to wake up.

The woman’s eyes blinked open after a moment, her eyes scanning the ceiling first before looking at Sam with a confused look. Then her eyes laid on Bucky. Her hands quickly came up and her palms touched either side of his face, her eyes turning white as she touched him before she drops her hands and closed her eyes again, passing out.

Sam watched the ordeal with wide eyes, “What did she just do? Buck?” He asks, backing away a little from the now unconscious woman.

Bucky breathed deeply, looking at the unconscious woman before back to Sam, “She showed me a past memory I didn’t know I had. It was her telling me everything was going to be okay before Pierce had my memory wiped again. Telling me that you and Steve would help me.” He said, partly confused. Why didn’t he remember that until she touched him?

Sam’s eyes flickered between the two confused, “As much as I would like to know the whole story right now, we should probably get out of here. This building is condemned and I don’t think the government would be happy with us poking around an old Hydra base.”

Bucky nodded in agreement and gently lifted the woman in his arms, following Sam out to the car and gently laying her in the backseat before they headed back to the safety of Louisiana. The two had a conversation as to whether it was safe to bring her back to Sam’s home but Bucky told him that he felt as though they could trust her. She had helped him before so why would she be hostile towards him now. The whole car ride, Bucky and Sam kept checking the backseat to make sure she was still asleep which she was. She hadn’t moved an inch. When they got back to Sam’s, Bucky gently lifted her from the backseat again and into the house, laying her on the couch before sitting on the coffee table waiting for her to wake up.

Sam and Sarah were having a conversation in the kitchen about how Sam always managed to pick up strays but Sarah was a good host and a kind heart. She started cooking up some dinner when Sam told her the mystery woman had been frozen since 2014, figuring she would probably be hungry when she woke up.

Bucky looked up from the floor when he noticed the woman’s fingers twitch, her brow furrowing slightly before her eyes opened slowly, no longer white and back to their original color. She did the same thing as when she woke up from the cryostasis chamber, looking at the ceiling before looking over at Bucky. She slowly sat up, rubbing her hand along the side of her head as if she had a headache, “You found me…” She breathed out.

Bucky nodded, watching her closely. Sam and Sarah had gone outside with AJ and Cass when she started to stir awake just for safety in case they were met with hostility from her. He watched her sit up before passing her a glass of water, “You have a name?”

The woman took the water, drinking the full glass before passing it back to him and meeting his gaze, “Y/N.” She told him.

Bucky narrowed his eyes at her, trying to recognize any piece of her but couldn’t besides what was in his dreams, “Why did I have to find you and why don’t I remember you?” He questioned sternly, still unsure of Y/N.

Y/N kept her eyes on his, her hands gripping the edge of the couch, “You promised you would find me.” She responded in a soft voice, “It was safer for the both of us if you didn’t remember me until the time came where you were at peace.”

“How did you make it so I didn’t remember you?” Bucky questioned, wanting answers for the months he had been having the dreams of the hallway and her whispers.

“I’m a psychic… At least that’s what Hydra liked to call me. They used me to see the future of your missions as the Winter Soldier, making sure they would be successful. They used me to help create Project Insight.” Y/N responded with an even voice, “What they didn’t know is I could show you your past after you were brainwashed. Leaving little notes in there in hopes you’d remember who you were one day, able to escape Hydra. I saw your future after they sent you to eliminate Captain America and the redhead. I knew you’d remember your friend and from there you’d be able to become free.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed slightly, “You can see the future and the past?”

Y/N nodded slowly, “Only if I touch you. There were times where they wouldn’t freeze you and had you protect me in the facilities. They were worried someone would take me for their own gain within Hydra. Those moments we had alone I would touch you and help you remember who you were before you became the Winter Soldier. We were friends, believe it or not.” She told him, “I can show you if you’d like.”

Bucky nodded after a moment. The only way he could believe her was to see for himself.

At the nod, Y/N shifted forward slightly on the couch towards him. She slowly lifted both of her hands and placed them on his cheeks, her eyes turning white as she started to show him memories she had sealed away in his mind.

Everybody was speaking Russian in the memory. There was a tall man who was barking orders at Y/N to search Bucky’s future as the Winter Soldier.

“I will! I can’t concentrate with you watching me. Give me some privacy.” Y/N snapped back in Russian at them. She wasn’t thirteen in this memory but older, maybe around twenty one. Once the guards had left her alone with the Winter Soldier, she turned towards him. He was staring at her with emotionless, cold eyes. Y/N bit her lip and lifts her hands to touch his face but paused for a moment, “I’m sorry they’re doing this to you, Bucky.” She whispered to him in english which earned a head tilt of confusion from the Winter Soldier, “Right… You don’t remember me… Here.” She said and presses her hands to his cheeks, her eyes turning white as she flooded his brain with memories of his past self.

The Winter Soldier’s gaze softened as he saw the memories and when she pulled her hands away, he lifted one hand to catch hers, “Y/N…” He whispered out to her in english.

Y/N smiled slightly and nodded, “Hello again, Bucky.” She said softly to him.

Bucky leans his head back and closes his eyes, “Where are they sending me now?” He asks, his voice cracking as the memories of all he’s done as the Winter Soldier flooded his mind but also grateful that he could remember who he was. James Buchanan Barnes.

Y/N bit her lip softly, “I’m not sure… They’re sending you to retrieve some super soldier serum I think.” She gently stroked her thumb over the back of his flesh hand.

Bucky looked at her with wide eyes, shaking his head, “No… We can’t let them do that. There can’t be more like me.” He told her, gripping her hand tighter in his.

Y/N sighs softly, “I know. I’ve already seen the future of it. It’ll be okay… There won’t be more Winter Soldiers that make it to the light of day but you have to complete this mission. It’s part of the path to get you away from Hydra.”

Bucky scanned over her face with sad eyes, “What about you? You need to get away too…”

Y/N smiled sadly at him, “My time won’t come for a long time, Bucky. But you’ll find me one day when everything is as it should be.”

“No.. We should just get out of here now… I can protect you.” Bucky said, leaning closer to her and staring into her eyes. She was his saving grace, the only kind person he had known since he had been taken by Hydra. The angel on his shoulder that kept him from falling into complete oblivion in his mind. She always brought back his memory whenever they were alone and he was beyond grateful to have her with him.

Y/N shook her head at him, “I can’t. There’s things in the future that are still a little fuzzy… depending on what path certain people decide to go down.” She told him, “One day you’ll get me out of here. But first we have to focus on making sure I keep you going down the right path towards your peace.”

Y/N pulled her hands away from Bucky’s face, making the memory fade away from their minds. She watched Bucky closely for his reaction, biting her bottom lip.

Bucky breathed deeply as the memory flooded his mind. It was like it had just been unlocked and he knew every movement he had made as well as Y/N, all the feelings he felt. He looked at her slowly, “Y/N.” He said, “You would bring me back to myself, help me. Then you’d lock the memories away so they wouldn’t catch on… I remember you.”

Y/N nodded towards him with a small smile, “Yeah… I would show you everything but it may overload your brain giving you back all those memories at once.” She told him, “But I can keep showing you little bits.” Bucky nodded instantly toward her, grabbing her hands and placing them on his cheeks, “Please… I need to see… Remember you.” He whispered out to her in a pleading voice.

Y/N smiles at him before her eyes turned white, showing him another memory.

“I killed them…” Bucky whispers out to Y/N as they sat alone in a room. It was December 18th, 1991.

Y/N gave him a sad smile, lifting a hand to stroke along his cheek gently, “I’m sorry, Bucky… It wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.” It was the same thing she told him every time he came back from a mission and restored his memories.

Bucky shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes, “I don’t know how much more I can take, Y/N… I don’t want to be this person anymore…”

Y/N bit her lip, keeping her hand on his cheek and gently stroking the tears that fell from his face, “I know… It’s not too much longer. Everything is getting clearer and you’ll have your peace soon. You’ll be Bucky again.”

Bucky looked at her, leaning forward and grabbing her free hand that wasn’t on his cheek, “You promise?”

Y/N nodded towards him with a small encouraging smile, “I promise. Your story as the Winter Soldier will come to an end. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I know…” Bucky breathed out, looking down from her eye contact before looking back up to meet her eye line, “Y/N, you’re…. I don’t know how I could get through this without you… You always bring me back, remind me this isn’t my fault." Y/N sighs softly, “Because it isn’t your fault, Bucky. There is no blood on your hands. Only the hands of Hydra and what they make you do as the Winter Soldier.” She reminded.

Bucky nods slowly, squeezing her hand in his, “You know… Under different circumstances where we both weren’t prisoners and forced to do awful things… I think we would’ve been good friends.”

Y/N rolls her eyes at him slightly, “I think we are already best friends, Bucky.” She told him with a small smile, “We are the only friends each other has right now.”

Bucky smiles slightly at her before dropping his gaze again, “I want to ask you something, Y/N…” He began, “You can say no if you want…”

Y/N raises an eyebrow at him, “Ask away, Bucky.”

Bucky stayed silent for a moment before looking up to meet her eyes, staring at them intently. They were eyes he had learned to love, they were his life line in moments like this, “It’s been god knows how long since I’ve felt some sort of comfort… some sort of… love.” He said, watching her closely for any reaction, “Will you…”

“Kiss you?” Y/N asks, which Bucky looked at her a little shocked before remembering she can see the future. She stood from her chair she was seated in, moving closer slowly and leans forward, keeping her eyes on his before pressing her lips gently to his, her hand gently stroking his cheek while her other stayed in his hand.

Bucky moved his free hand up to behind her neck, pulling her closer and kissing her again before pulling away and scanning his eyes over her features as he didn’t want to forget this moment or her face. His eyes suddenly saddened as he heard someone coming from outside the room, “Someone’s coming, doll… You have to make me forget…”

Y/N smiled gently and strokes her fingers along his face, “It’s okay, Bucky. You’ll remember one day…” She said before her eyes turned white and she locked away the memories of him as Bucky and returned him to the Winter Soldier.

Bucky looked at her as the memory ended, tears stinging his blue eyes as they formed. He stood up, running his hand through his dark hair before looking back to her where she was sitting and watching him closely, “I…” He started but couldn’t finish. He moved to sit beside her, “Show me the last memory of you.”

Y/N nodded and once again placed her hands on his face, her eyes fading to white again.

Bucky was in the Ideal Federal Savings Bank. Glimpses of his past being found by Zola after he fell from the train… the metal arm that replaced his one left arm seared through his memory. He sat there as one of the scientist restored his arm before he punched him away, frustrated at the memories that were returning. He stayed seated in the machine used to put him through his mind treatments, strip away his memory. He looked up when Alexander Pierce came in, taking a seat on a stool next to him.

“Mission Report.” Pierce demanded.

Bucky sat there, staring blankly ahead as Pierce repeated the demand before backhanding him across the face. Bucky’s brow furrowed in confusing a little as he turned to look at Pierce, “The man on the bridge… Who was he?”

Pierce stared at Bucky, “You met him earlier this week on another assignment.”

Bucky looked away from Pierce as he tried to piece together what happened, “I knew him.” He said softly, his eyes wondering over to meet Y/N’s for a moment who was looking at him with her head tilted as she listened before his gaze returned to Pierce.

“Your work has been a gift to mankind.” Pierce told him, “You shaped the century. And I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. And tomorrow morning we’re gonna give it a push. But if you can’t do your part, I can’t do mine.” He paused, watching Bucky look away in confusion, “And Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.”

Bucky tilts his head and looks back towards Pierce, “But I knew him.” He repeated, his lips pressing together in a line at the pain of trying to put his reality together- his memories together.

Pierce sighs before standing, “Prep him.”

One of the scientist look at Pierce, “He’s been out of Cyro too long…” Pierce looked back at Bucky who was staring off sadly, “Then wipe him and start over.” He told the scientist before turning his attention to Y/N, “You do your thing first.”

Y/N stepped forward, looking at Bucky then to Pierce, “I’ll need the room. There’s too much going on in here… I’ll get confused.”

Pierce narrowed his eyes at her then nodded, “Give her the room.” He said, walking out of the vault followed by everybody else in the room.

Y/N went to sit on the stool beside Bucky, watching him look at her sadly, “It’s okay. I won’t hurt you.” She told him but he stayed silent. She slowly placed her hands on his face, her eyes going white as she restored his memories of the past, “Don’t talk..” She whispers only audible enough for Bucky to hear her, “The time has come, Bucky… They’re going to wipe your memory one last time… You’ll be okay, I promise… This is the beginning of the end for the Winter Soldier and Hydra… I’m going to seal your memories of me until the right time… then find me, okay?”

Bucky watched her carefully, listening to every word she said. He blinked at her slowly to tell her he understood, trying to contain his emotions in this moment.

Y/N smiled slightly at him, “Don’t worry… I’ll be okay.” She whispers to him, “We’ll see each other again someday and I’ll show you everything you’ve forgotten about us.”

Bucky moved his metal hand ever so slightly to touch her thigh and squeezed it gently with a saddened look in his eyes, being careful as to not let the guards outside the open door see. He had so much he wanted to say to her: Thank you… I’ll save you… I’ll find you… I think I love you. But he couldn’t say those things.

Y/N gave him a knowing smile before it faded away, her eyes going white as she sealed the memories of herself with him deep inside his mind until the right time came for him to find her. She then searched his future for what was going to happen next, seeing him fight Captain America but recognizing him at the last moment and saving him from the river. Bucky was going to be okay. He would be himself again one day, not the Winter Soldier and then he would find her when he found his peace. She stood up and stepped away from him, looking at the Winter Soldier who still had those sad eyes. Y/N turns to Pierce as he came back in, “Everything will go according to plan.” She lied, “Project Insight will be successful.”

Pierce nodded then motioned for one of the guards to take her back to Cyro, freeze her until she was needed again. She took one last look at Bucky as they put the mouthguard in his mouth before starting the memory wipe, listening to him scream through the mouthpiece until she couldn’t hear him anymore and was thrown into the cryostasis chamber where she would wait to be saved by him.

As the memory faded, Bucky looked at her, reaching up his own hand to touch her cheek. He remembered all the feelings he had for her. He was grateful, thankful for her always bringing him back. Assuring him everything would be okay and that he would have peace in the future. His blue eyes scanned over her features, taking in the face that he had forgotten. The face that saved him. She was like an angel that had always been perched on his shoulder, watching over him, “Thank you… For everything you did for me.” He told her softly, “I’m sorry it took so long for me to find you, to save you.”

Y/N smiles slightly, “Don’t worry about it. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I’m glad you’ve found your peace, Bucky.” She said softly.

“Why didn’t you let me come find you before now?” He asks softly.

“I couldn’t. I saw everything that was going to happen to you. Zemo… Thanos… The Flag Smashers..” She whispers, “If I was around for that, I would’ve just been used as another pawn for them to get their way. You couldn’t find me until there was peace.”

Bucky nods slowly, keeping his hand on her cheek, “There were things I didn’t tell you, that I couldn’t tell you the last time we saw each other.” He told her, “All our time together… All the times you reminded me who I was and saved me… I think I fell in love with you.”

Y/N smiles slightly, reaching a hand up to place it on top of his on her cheek, “I knew all of that too, Bucky. You didn’t need to say it. I knew from the way you kissed me that one time. The way you looked at me the last time we were together.”

“I would like to do that again… Now that you don’t have to make me forget.” Bucky says to her, leaning towards her slightly, “All those things I felt for you… I still do. I just needed to remember.”

Y/N nods towards him, “I still feel all those things for you too.” She whispers out as she watched him lean closer and closer to her, her eyes locked on his, “We have a very bright future together, Sergeant Barnes.”

Bucky smiles at her, “You would know, doll.” He whispers before pressing his lips gently to her’s, smiling against her lips as she kissed him back. He moved his hand from her cheek to the back of her neck, pulling her face closer to his while his other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer to his body. Bucky had waited for this moment most of his long life and hadn’t even realized it until he found her again.

___________________________________________________________

Permanent Taglist: @buckypops @stcrryslibrary @bibliophilewednesday @redhairedfeistynerd

[whitelacepants]

Title: Saturated and Inflated

Word count: 1,017

Pairing: Percy/Nico, kinda

Summary: Nico doesn't think Annabeth is a good partner, so he calls her out on it.

ahhhh i finally did it! so this is my little fic thing, i hope you guys like it. i know it's bad, this is the first thing i've written in like 6 years, but pls be nice >_<

for background, nico just tried to off himself but failed, that's why everyone's there in his cabin, and that's why nico confronts annabeth about her behavior, bc he doesn't think he's gonna be around much longer to see the fall out. it's from nico's pov so the italics are his thoughts. this takes place like, 3 years after the earth war, trials of apollo doesnt exist :)

okie dokie, happy reading, let me know what you think ;3

(edit: i just realized the fuckin ages are off in this part ohmygAWD they're supposed to be like 19-21 throughout the whole thing, im sorry i cant do math 😭)

__________

"Has she ever once told you that you were intelligent?" 

The room stills.

I'm gonna die soon anyways so I may as well rock the boat.

"What?" Percy asks.

Will sat a little ways away from Nico on his bed, Percy, Annabeth, Jason, and Piper huddled in front of him on the floor. Piper holds onto Jason's arm like a lifeline while Jason tries his best to remain calm, keeping his face neutral. Confused, Percy takes a breath in to respond, but of course Annabeth has to butt in, because apparently Percy can't think for himself now-

"Nico, what are you talking about? Of course I've mentioned it before-"

"I wasn't asking you." Nico says with a hard edge to his voice. She pauses, her mouth open in shock, before abruptly clicking her mouth shut. Piper and Jason stare on in silence.

He turns his attention back to Percy.

"Percy." Nico pleads quietly. The boy in question had been staring at the floor in front of him with a far away look, presumably trying to remember something that might help his girlfriend's case. Upon further inspection, he looked less "far away" and more...conflicted. Finally, he lifts his head to look into Nico's eyes.

"No. No, she's never...no."

Ah, that's what I thought.

"Has she ever told you that you were pretty?"

Percy startles at the question.

"Pretty?" He asks, as if Nico was insane for even implying that that was something he could actually be, and shakes his head.

"No, no one's ever...called me pretty before."

An absolute shame. It's been 7 years and he's still as stunning as the day i saw him.

Nico looks Percy in his eyes and says,"I'd call you pretty everyday if I could. I'd tell you that you were intelligent everyday until you believed it. Until you could say it yourself," Nico says longingly, slightly desperate but mostly just defeated. The group stares at him in shock. Makes sense. He's not really one to pour his heart out like this, but he may as well keep going. What's he got to lose? Looking down at his hands clenched in the bedsheets in front of him, he continues.

"You don't value him."

Annabeth bristles. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Nico responds in a clipped tone, glaring at her. "You know, for an Athena kid, you're really fucking dense. You don't value him. You treat Percy like he's the bane of your existence and call it "feminism" instead of what it actually is. It's borderline fucking abusive." He ignores the angry scoff Annabeth throws his way and keeps going, her annoyance egging him on. "We all know he was a replacement for Luke anyways, it's not like you hide it very well. That being said, you can't expect him to act like somebody else and then turn around and reprimand him for being his own person." He steels himself. "I know what happened in Tartarus a couple years ago."

"What?" Percy asks in a strained voice.

"Yeah, I found out a couple months after the war was over."

"How did you find out?"

Maybe I'll tell him eventually but. Not today.

"It's not important. I saw the way she used to look at you, and I see the way she looks at you now. It's different than before, more cautious, more...calculated." 

Holy fuck.

He looks up directly into Annabeth's eyes, hit with a realization.

"You're waiting for him to turn on you, just like Luke did, aren't you? That's why you keep him on such a short leash."

She snaps.

"You have no clue what you're fucking talking about!" She stands up, looking ready to fight. Percy holds her back by her arm.

"Oh, I don't?!"

"No, Percy is perfectly fine with me!"

"Annie-" Percy starts.

"Annabeth, he can not breathe with you! Can't you see that?!"

"Nico-" he tries again, but to no avail.

Piper's grip on Jason becomes a little tighter and he reciprocates the action. Will's got his own arms wrapped around himself.

"Fuck, he would do anything for you, and you're taking advantage of that! You call him a stupid fucking nickname and plan out the rest of his life for him knowing good and gods damned well that he's not gonna say anything about it because he wants to keep you happy!" he shouts, starting to feel light headed, his vision getting spotty.

She responds with a hard edge to her voice,"At least I'm not hopelessly in love with a guy that will never give a shit about me."

"Alright, that's enough!" Percy screams. It takes Nico a second to realize that he's shivering. They all are, except for him.

I lost control again. Fuck.

"We're all here today because we want to keep Nico alive, making him scream and cry until he passes out isn't gonna help," Percy says, desperation leaking into his voice. He pulls Annabeth's arm and she sits, albeit reluctantly.

"I'm not-" but when Nico brings a hand up to wipe his face, he's surprised to find that it comes away wet. 

"Oh."

Well that's embarrassing. But I guess it doesn't matter now.

He sniffs at the snot threatening to run from his nose as he swipes at his face with his hands, wiping the fallen tears away. He then presses his palms into his eye sockets, willing the fresh tears to stay put. When he pulls his hands away, his skin colors from irritation and the bags under his eyes are more prominent. He's exhausted, and he says as much.

"I'm going to sleep. Sorry about the temperature change." He apologizes, and moves to lie under his covers, stopping propped up on one elbow. Looking at the floor, he lets out a sigh.

"Hey, Percy?"

"Yeah?"

Nico's hands clench where he's holding his sheets.

"You're one of the smartest and most beautiful people I've ever met." He says in a soft voice, then louder,"And, in regards to the Tartarus thing, I'm here if you ever wanna talk about it with someone who actually understands." He finally looks up at Percy. Percy stares at him for a moment before nodding with an affirmative hum. 

With that, he turns toward the wall and fully lays down, throwing the blanket over his head.

____________

part 2

[luvchaes]

7 reasons why it happened

genre: angst, some fluff, broken friendships, incidents of betrayal

pairing:ot8 highschool student! ateez

summary: it has been 5 months since jung wooyoung jumped to his death. while the whole school still seems to be mourning his sudden death, 7 boys each receive a mysterious letter containing written contents related to the boy’s death. as all of them read their own letters, they slowly discover their seemingly unharmful actions may result in unpredictable hostile situations.

warnings: mentions of suicide, quite a large amount of swearing, underaged drinking, smoking, substance abuse and violence.

note: the plot of this story is inspired by 13 reasons why (which y’all should totally watch) and the words in bold are texts from the letters and words in bold italic are flashbacks

note (2): the show 13 reasons why contains very disturbing topics such as SH, SA, violence, substance abuse, rape, and quite gory in some scenes where blood is explicitly shown. please don’t watch the show if you are easily triggered by such topics!

“Choi San and Park Seonghwa, thank you for being here with us today. The student council has gathered here to help decide the respective punishment for each of you. Now, Seonghwa, would you give your account on what happened earlier?” Hongjoong said, his right hand clutching a pen as he began to jot down some points onto the blank piece of paper.

Seonghwa rolled his eyes.

“I was just minding my own business before San,” he recounted, glaring at the boy who was seated on his right, “decided it would be a wonderful idea to punch me in the face right in front of everyone.” This caused San to chuckle, piquing the attention of the student council members seated in the quiet room.

“Maybe if you weren’t trying to sell weed to a freshmen by your locker, all this wouldn’t have happened.” San hissed at the latter, causing Seonghwa to look away hastily. Hongjoong could only stare at the two blankly. San and Seonghwa were usually joined by the hip and nothing could have tear apart their five years of friendship. 

This minor disagreement and the fist fight that followed up must have been different. 

“Alright. Next question, Seonghwa, why were you trying to get a freshman involved in your suspicious and illegal activity?” Hongjoong asked again. 

“He wanted it, of course. What other valid reason can I give?” Seonghwa muttered begrudgingly, eyes trailing everywhere except Hongjoong’s face. He sighed in exasperation and rubbed his temple before jotting down more notes hurriedly. 

“I have one thing to clarify, San.” Yeosang voiced out from the other end of the table, “What triggered you to punch Seonghwa?” San whipped his head, annoyance clearly visible in his black orbs. 

“He was doing something fucked up! Of course I had to get him.” Yeosang hummed at the boy’s heated response. He leaned forward toward San and looked at him in dead in the eyes. 

“Isn’t Seonghwa your friend? Usually, when someone has whitnessed a person dear to them display such despicable behaviour, one would either try to cover it up or simply talk to that individual. But you, Choi San, punched your best friend of five years. Why?” Yeosang’s words had definitely burnt a blazing hot hole in San’s shell of lies because San had stood up and walked out of the room with gritted teeth without uttering a word. Yeosang only watched the angry boy storm out of the room before leaning back into his chair with his legs crossed, his pen moving smoothly across the piece of paper. 

“Yeosang, what was that for?” Hongjoong questioned, his grip on his pen growing stronger as each second crawled by. Yeosang looked up with an indifferent look plastered across his face. 

“I only did it to obtain more justified evidence. It was his fault for getting so worked up.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut, Kang,” Hongjoong spat out before turning his gaze back to Seonghwa, “Thank you for coming, Seonghwa. We will get back to you about your punishment tomorrow after discussing this with Mr Lee. You may leave.” Hongjoong gestured Seonghwa to the open door. Seonghwa stood up and dragged his feet out of the room with a heavy heart and an exhausted mind. 

The boy was not even halfway down the hallway before he felt a sturdy grip on his wrist. He turned around and came face to face with Hongjoong. 

Could his day possibly get any worse? 

“What the fuck, Park Seonghwa! You got a dress code offense two days ago and now your doing drugs? Most importantly, you didn’t even fucking tell me anything! What’s going on with you, Hwa?” Hongjoong whispered-shouted. 

“Hongjoong, please, leave it. I can’t do this right now.” Seonghwa whispered, running a hand through his hair. 

“Quit the sorry attitude, Park! I don’t want anymore secrets! You either tell me everything, or our friendship is fucking done.” Hongjoong was furious and seething with rage. He felt betrayed, puzzled and disappointed all at once.

“Maybe it’s you who needs to be put into place! You’re the other hypocrite, Hongjoong!” Seonghwa exclaimed, throwing his hands up in utter annoyance. Hongjoong jumped at his friend’s sudden outburst, eyes widening while his previous emotions fizzled away and were now replaced with the feeling of shock and apprehension.

“Don’t give me that dumb look, Kim Hongjoong. Weren’t you friends with that piece of shit? ” Seonghwa walked closer to the latter, narrowing the distance between them. Hongjoong could soon feel the boy’s hot breath tickling his skin.

Hongjoong’s blood began to boil. He could not bare to be in the same premise as this menace he used to call his best buddy all the time. He strengthened the grip on his backpack and took a step towards Seonghwa, causing both of their foreheads to connect slightly.

“Don’t you fucking dare bring up his name in my face ever again. You treated him like shit while I tried to be there for him. I’m not the hypocrite, you are.” Hongjoong muttered angrily before walking away briskly with tears threatening to fall.

_______________________________________________

Dear Kim Hongjoong,

“The fuck is this?” Hongjoong mumbled as he stood at the bus stop. The 18-year-old boy had reached into his pocket to fish out his mobile phone before he saw an envelope fall out of the side pocket of his backpack. Judging by the neat cursive writing of his name on the surface of the envelope, he briefly assumed that it was a silly love letter written by one of the silly female freshman students.

Hey bud! It’s Wooyoung! It’s been a while, eh?

Maybe the universe was not truly on Hongjoong’s side today.

With shaky legs, Hongjoong managed to sit himself on an empty bench located near the bus stop. Screw taking the bus that arrived at 4.30 in the afternoon, because this boy had just received a letter from a friend who died five months ago.

If you’re reading this, cheers! You are the third person to receive a letter from me. Don’t be too shocked! By the time you read this, I’ll be long gone. Nevertheless, as much as you may be puzzled by this abrupt piece of writing, this letter will actually explain everything.

Kim Hongjoong. Mr Kim. Mr President. It was such an honour to get to know you. We met through Seonghwa since you two shared a lot of classes together. During our first encounter, you shared your sugar-free granola bars with me! The gesture was exceptionally kind, but I cannot deny the fact that those things not only resembled stone bricks but tasted like them too, no offence!

Alright, enough with the chit-chat! Let’s get down to real business. Listen, Hongjoong, from day one, I never truly came to know the main reason why you chose to befriend me. Was it because I was lonely? Was it because I was the weird kid and it would boost your reputation if you were nice to one? Was it because I was actually a likeable person?

Or was it because I was easy?

The target on my back had already been planted and large enough for everyone to see, so I just blatantly assumed that the fourth reason was it.

But eventually, I came to realise that you simply had good intentions. When San and Seonghwa had become distant, you always never failed to sit with me at lunch, ramble about how you had re-watched the all seven seasons of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and visit The Grind together everyday after school! We visited that cafe so often that the owner, Mrs Lee, knew our orders by heart.

The Grind soon became our secret hideout, mainly because no one from school would visit a cafe that was not within walking distance. I savoured every memory and moment we made there, from the time we almost got kicked out to the time we ordered five cups of coffee to see who could finished them the fastest.

The two of us spent all our time together, and we made a promise to stick together.

Well, that promise was valid till you stopped coming to the cafe one day.

——————————————————————————

“Good afternoon Wooyoung! Where’s Hongjoong?” Mrs Lee asked as she continued to arrange the clean cups neatly.

“I didn’t see him today. I came here thinking that he’d be here early but it seems you haven’t seen him either.” Wooyoung replied sadly, glancing around the premise in hopes of spotting his friend hunched behind a textbook.

“He hasn’t showed up at all. Usually you two would rush in together, rowdy as always.” Mrs Lee chuckled in amusement, causing Wooyoung to smile a little in response to her witty remark. He shoved his hands into pocket and rocked himself back and forth on his two feet.

“I guess I’ll wait for him. Could I get a drink please?” Mrs Lee smiled warmly and nodded.

“One large hot chocolate coming right up! Chin up, boy, your friend’s probably busy! He’ll make his appearance soon enough.” Wooyoung sighed before flashing a small smile at the kind woman and placing the money on the counter. His drink was made in no time and Wooyoung silently made his way to his usual spot.

The boy sipped his drink quietly while attempting to focus on the worksheet that was placed in front of him. Every time he heard the bell hung by the entrance ring, Wooyoung’s gaze would always shoot up from his paper to the individual entering.

In all those ten attempts, none of them were Hongjoong.

Customers came and went. The sky that was once a pleasing shade of light blue had soon turned dark. The muffled roar of car engines gradually increased in volume as people made their way home. As time passed, more customers left the cafe and soon, Wooyoung was the only one left while Mrs Lee prepared to close the shop.

It was not until the closing time of the cafe had approached when Wooyoung had no choice but to leave.

Even so, his friend never showed up.

——————————————————————————

Even after that, I still went to the cafe and waited, foolishly hoping that you would somehow saunter your way in and tell me all this was all a prank.

But you never did.

I tried to talk to you about it whenever I got the chance. However, the attempts were futile, because you constantly avoided me. You stopped sitting beside me at lunch, we never did projects together anymore and you seemed to have found another group of friends to hang out with, which consisted of the one and only, Park Seonghwa, but you will find out soon enough about my…history with this lad.

With that, I had officially travelled back to square one, lonely, hopelessly gay and still obsessed with hot chocolate.

I soon began to embrace the loneliness after realising my horrible luck with friends. I learnt that it was actually alright being alone. I did not have to talk to anyone and not being involved in anymore drama was a literal dream come true.

However, I still had this habit of speaking too soon, because on a lovely Tuesday afternoon, you walked into the cafe with your lovely new friends.

——————————————————————————

“Good afternoon, Hongjoong! It’s been so long since you visited! Can I get you your usual?” Mrs Lee requested brightly while flashing welcoming smiles at the entourage behind Hongjoong.

“Nice to see you again, Mrs Lee. I’ve been busy, so I couldn’t really come by as often. I would love my usual order and four iced lattes. Thank you!” Hongjoong responded with equal enthusiasm as he paid for the drinks.

“I’m really glad you came by. Wooyoung has been coming by everyday waiting for you, so pop around the corner in the back to say hi, alright? You two are indeed the best of friends!” Hongjoong tensed at her response, his grip on the hem of his school blouse tightening in his clammy hands. A tiny wave of snickers was heard behind the boy.

“You’re friends with Wooyoung? You desperate for some extra credit or something? Grow a fucking brain, Joong. You know better than to be friends with that loser.” Seonghwa interjected as the group walked to a table located near the windows. Hongjoong bit his lip, peering over his shoulder only to be met with a pair of sad eyes that belonged to Wooyoung. Hongjoong could see the boy clutch his pen tighter, his mouth trying to be forced open in an attempt to call out to him. Somehow, Hongjoong felt the urge to approach Wooyoung to say he was sorry for avoiding him and to persuade him that both of them were still friends. Hongjoong wanted to comfort and protect the poor boy who was now being brutally insulted by the group of people he was now apart of.

Despite all that, Kim Hongjoong was still the ultimate coward.

“I’m not friends with Wooyoung. I was never friends with that guy.” Hongjoong said, feigning nonchalance as he took a sip of his strawberry smoothie. As soon as he uttered those words, he heard footsteps followed by the jingle of the bell placed at the exit, indicating someone walked out.

Hongjoong did not have to look behind him to know who it was.

——————————————————————————

I could not bear to here another word come out of their mouths. Apologies if I seen overly dramatic, but those words fucking hurt. Every minute felt like a knife sinking deeper and deeper into my heart, and that hurt like a fucking bitch.

However, I do not blame you for saying that Hongjoong. I really do not. Friends come and go. It was completely understood that you did not want anything to do with me and I respect that. My existence has done nothing but take a toll on the people around me.

Despite that, you were initially still one of my good friends, and I am entirely grateful for the memories we created as a duo. Thank you Hongjoong for staying by my side when others were distant. Thank you for making me realise how the simplest things were always the most treasured. Thank you for embracing my fucked up self.

Lastly, thank you for being my third reason to die.

Lots of love,

Jung Wooyoung

“Good evening, Hongjoong. We’re almost closed. Do you need anything?“ Mrs Lee asked, concern lacing her soft voice.

“Could I stay here for a bit? I need to clear my thoughts. “ Hongjoong muttered, earning a nod from the woman behind the counter. He smiled at her gingerly as he made his way over to his usual seat.

As the boy sat down and stared blankly into the empty spot across him that was once frequently occupied by a precious vulnerable human being, Mrs Lee could only watch the lost boy from a distance with a tear flowing down her cheek.

[victorian-lesbian-dandy]

Why “Time is All Around” by Regina Spektor is a Spirit Box Radio Song

Hello and welcome to my ramble. Lyrics in bold italics. Contains spoilers for pretty much most of Spirit Box radio, so maybe listen to that before u read this. Im not sure why you would be reading this if u havent listened.

Anyway this song has been giving me sbr and i cant Not think about sam enfield every time it pops up

link for the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNEAwQUnMeg

You step on all my parts And then you walk right out the door

Marie abusing Sam his whole fucking life, thinking of him as a means (The Heir Apparent) rather than as a child/human with needs, only to abandon him. She knew she was going to be murdered by the Sins and she decided to leave Sam post it notes telling him what a chair is.

And I know that your Love ain't never Comin' back no more

Madame Marie is dead lol. Good fucking riddance.

Time is all around Except inside my clock

Time as a metaphor for arcane energy, season 1 part 1 Sam feels that everyone has arcane ability except for him

Everybody's Waiting for their Lover to unlock

Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die When they're about to fall from trees When they're about to dry Up

Oliver Boleyn, love interest since episode 12. That guy that Sam has spent many many minutes gushing over.........Is literally suspended at the moment of death.

In this song, Oliver is a leaf. Which is funny. Because he’s a florist. And a Hedge Witch

Time is all around Time is all a... round

The Arcane, These bitches everywhere. Specifically, once again with time as a metaphor for the arcane, this idea that Scourge (and i guess now strife and scarcity too) is Everywhere, all at once

I hallucinate A cat between my feet

We are aware that Sam sometimes deals with really fucking weird arcane shit, and a lot of the time it must be pretty difficult to assume it’s real but also: Sam Enfield and Cats <3.

Also, the fact that Revel and the gang are now Sam’s major arcana. Sam doesn’t just have cats, he has magic cats.

I'm stepping lightly so as not to Hurt It

Yes, this is in reference to the cat hallucination but also! I feel like it represents Sam really well in the earlier seasons. They are trying so desperately to control their powers and not hurt anyone. Interestingly there are more and more moments as we get into season2part2 that Sam uses his powers with what seems like less moral quandary (such as with Oliver) 

Everybody wants To say that you have changed Of course you've changed, you've changed, you've changed Your mind's been rearranged

This is relevant on so many levels.

Firstly, regarding Anna and Kitty’s view of Sam. They’ve watched their brother be in a coma for fucking ages, and all of a sudden, his life gets turned upside down. They watch him realise that Marie was abusive, realise she’s DEAD, realise he’s got some Grand God Awful Destiny and also that he’s super fucking powerful. And all of this happens in a short space of time.

The last line, your mind’s been rearranged, speaks for all of that new knowledge that Sam is dealing with. I think its particularly poignant in sbr2.23 Wedlock, where there is a point that Sam can see all of the world’s arcane energy. The show describes The Arcane as so grand and unknowable, and to be able to see the threads of it must be incredibly taxing on the brain. I think that there’s a reason that the only other people who can do that sort of thing are the Major Arcana, who literally are not people anymore/have made deals to become incredibly, excessively powerful. Whilst Sam has got some fancy blood rose heritage, he’s still (at least in my opinion) human.

But leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die When they're about to fall from trees When they're about to dry Up Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die When they're about to fall from trees When they're about to dry Up

Once again! Oliver Boleyn! The Gang are gay! Gay people! Its Pride Month (at the time of writing)!

But also, maybe something about the fact that Sam refuses to take Oliver’s deal because, if he did, they would have the choice between prolonging his torture/existence that Oliver clearly wants to end, OR knowingly and willingly killing his boyfriend.

Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to love? Why am I supposed to I'm so tired Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to? I don't want I don't want to I don't want

This bit is three  things. The first is a commentary on Sam’s powers. Their powers literally force  people to do and say things that they otherwise wouldn’t.

The second is  the fact that Sam doesn’t want this fucked up destiny he’s been landed with. There  are so many points where they convey that this isn’t what they wanted. There are  so many people(?)/arcane beings trying to control what Sam is doing, even if  its for the best. At the beginning of the show, you had Anna trying to  convince him to stop hosting. Scourge, of course, has been fucking shit up  since day 1, and his agenda seems to be the most on display of everyone; they’re  very clear that there is a timeline that Sam needs to follow to reach  whatever goal is planned.

Thirdly, its  stated a few times that Oliver was basically set up to be Sam’s love interest,  primarily so that Sam would take his deal. I don’t think this means that Sam  loves him any less, but I think that Sam has spent a lot of his life not  Actually being in control of what’s happening, and to find out that this  random guy that u hate set u and ur boyfriend for an elaborate scheme,,,,well  that must be weird.

When they're about to dry Up

Lastly, this bit as a metaphor for Sam’s “goodness”. We keep seeing Sam make decisions that season1 Sam absolutely would not make. I personally don’t think we’re gonna get a Full corruption arc but like, Sam is certainly changing because of the power. As scourge states in 2.18, scourge hadn’t been seen because everything was going to plan. And although Sam taking the sins deals wasn’t part of the plan, its still indicative of them gaining more and more power and influence

[littlemisspascal]

Death and an Angel part 6

Helmetless + Death!Din and Cupid F!Reader

Summary: Three things happen at once. 

He pulls his glove off and tosses it aside. You forget how to breathe.

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,114

Warnings: Swearing, backstory, angsty angst, fluffy fluff, mutual pining finally acknowledged, overuse of italics, don’t mess with Din’s Cupid or he’ll kill you

Author Note: Important please read this! Ok, so if you’ve been following along you’ll know I had no outline for this originally. And well, that’s come back to bite me. I had to make an edit to Part 2, a small one but still the very beginning will look marginally different if you’ve read it before today’s date Dec. 16, 2020. Basically, I took away the implication that You don’t know exactly how You became a Cupid. So, yeah. Hopefully moving forward I’ll be better handling all this *awkward shuffling*. As always, thank you for all the support and I appreciate every one of you so much ❤

Links to Part 1 and Part 5 and Part 7

Cross-posted on AO3.

Photo Inspiration:

Silence floods the ship in the wake of your admission, stifling and charged with enough tension you fear breathing too loud will set off a chain reaction with disastrous results. It makes the hair on the back of your neck prickle, every instinct inside of you screaming to teleport away, if only so you no longer have to see Din stubbornly trying and failing to hide his internal turmoil behind a mask of indifference. 

When he opens his mouth, you tense but the question slices through you all the same. “When?”

You hesitate, making a face. “Din, we really don’t have time for this. Let’s just move on—”

Without warning, the hand holding your elbow slides to your wrist and twists, turning your palm up for inspection. Din stares at the blank expanse of skin, then slowly his gaze lifts, and he releases you as if you’ve poisoned him.

“You’ve never lied to me before, angel. Did you honestly think now was the best time to start?” he asks, and something breaks inside of you when he looks at you as if you’ve become a total stranger to him.

But before any pain can begin to sink in, anger overcomes you as his assumption registers.

“I’m not lying, you asshole,” you say sharply, feeling a faint pulse of petty satisfaction when you notice the subtle way his stance shifts defensively, betraying his surprise at your boldness. Resting your hands on your hips, you fix him with your fiercest glare. “For all that you are a powerful ancient being of the universe, you are also the biggest, most ignorant fool I’ve ever met. You have absolutely no idea how Cupids become Cupids, do you?”

You don’t offer him even a second to respond, too wound up and fueled by the overwhelming desire to make him get it. To make him understand you’re not purposefully trying to hurt him. If it were up to you, you’d make sure he never felt any kind of pain. But that would require having a choice and that is the one thing the universe did not grant you as a Cupid.

“Every Cupid was once a mortal with a soulmate,” you explain, choosing each word with careful precision while watching his face to make sure his focus never wavers. “And every one of us was rejected by them. When we die, we’re transformed into Cupids, losing our soulmate markings in the process.” When you feel your bottom lip begin to wobble, you pause to take a steadying breath. “You asked me before, what is the true purpose of a Cupid? It’s to help others find the kind of love we never experienced for ourselves.”

Din stands there in front of you, still staring passively, and you’re scared for a moment your words have made no difference, but then his jaw clenches so tightly you hear his teeth grinding. 

“You were rejected?” he growls, vicious and guttural, the sound of a feral beast.

He pivots, fist colliding with the wall with enough force it dents the metal beneath his knuckles. You flinch at the noise, shocked at the abuse he’s inflicted upon his beloved ship. Every bone in his hand should have shattered upon impact, but because Death is immune to such damage he merely turns back to you, breathing raggedly and eyes blackened with rage.

“Tell me his name.”

You’ve already begun shaking your head before you say, “So you can go hunt him down? Hell no. Trust me, it doesn’t matter.”

Instead of pacifying him, this only infuriates him further. “How can you say that? That bastard broke your heart when he was supposed to cherish you, protect you, love you above all else.”

“You think I don’t know that?” you ask peevishly, letting your temper get the better of you. Sparing a moment to mentally count to ten, you quietly reveal, “I can say it doesn’t matter because I don’t even remember who he was. There is no point sending you to kill someone who’s face I can’t pick out of a crowd.”

The sudden way Din’s whole body slumps in response to the news, like a puppet whose strings have been cut, expression scrunched and dumbfounded, would have made you laugh if the circumstances were entirely different. Being what they are, you can only meet his stare evenly, silently assuring him you’re not joking in the slightest.

“I don’t understand,” Din says at last, looking like he wants to approach but is unsure you’ll welcome his nearness so he keeps his distance. “You never told me you had memory loss before. What happened to you?”

You shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. For as long as I’ve been a Cupid, all my memories from my mortal life have dark spots, like something poked holes in them.”

Din glances away as he mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like ‘Or someone’ but before you can comment, his tone rises to its usual volume as he says, “Is this why you collect all those old newspapers? To try to help you remember?”

You recall with embarrassment him having previously commented on the pile in your living room. That moment feels like years ago, the two of you sitting in your apartment and Din asking...if Cupids were on the list of potential soulmates. Was that his way of asking if you were on the list? Surely not. He’s much cleverer than that.

...Isn’t he?

“I just,” you shake your head, refocusing on the current conversation. “I keep thinking maybe I’ll find something that fills in the gaps. I don’t like this pit in my stomach, this feeling that I’ve forgotten something important.” You huff a self-deprecating chuckle. “Other than my soulmate, I mean.”

He offers you a smile, small and lopsided, likely meant to be consoling, but you see right through it. You see his pain in the tightness around his mouth, in the way his fingers flex at his sides like it’s taking all his self-control not to reach out to you. Your confession has hurt him. Badly. It’s the kind of hurt no amount of bacta can heal.

The silence returns, different than the one usually experienced during hyperspace in that it wishes to be broken, for someone to say something, anything. You would grant its wish except your thoughts are a jumbled mess inside your head. Deep down, there is a part of you which knows there is nothing you can say that will fix this—this being the chasm forming between you and Din, widening with every passing second spent staring wordlessly at each other. 

Would telling him sooner have prevented this heartbreak? Probably. But looking back, you can’t think of an opportune moment. You had never thought your crush could be requited—not just because you were already matched, but also because it had always seemed so ridiculous, imagining the great and powerful Death feeling anything remotely close to affection for an unimportant, low-ranking Cupid. 

“Angel,” Din begins after a few minutes, his voice anchoring you back in the present. He’s staring over your shoulder, brow furrowed thoughtfully and you can practically hear the gears turning inside his head. “Earlier, you said you didn’t tell your boss I was your client. Why didn’t you?”

“I-I don’t know,” you stutter, before an unexpected wave of boldness comes over you. Digging your finger into the armor on his chest, you remind him, “You came to me first, remember? Not them. So, I figured you didn’t want them knowing.”

“I couldn’t care less who knows,” Din deadpans.

“Oh.” You blink, hand falling back along your side, because what else can you say.

“You want to know what I think?” Oh Maker, he’s stepping closer until there’s only a foot of space between you two. His voice is a low, raspy murmur, sending your heartbeat into overdrive. “I think you didn’t want them knowing because you like being the only angel who does.”

You start to squirm, fight or flight instincts at total war with each other. His theory isn’t too far from the truth, making it all the worse hearing it out loud because it practically oozes possessiveness which is exactly what you’d feared.

“Before you pull away from me again,” Din continues, knowing you and your mind too damn well. “I want you to listen when I say nothing that you’ve told me changes how I feel about you.”

“Din—” you try, only for your voice to crack.

Then three things happen at once.

He pulls his glove off and tosses it aside. You forget how to breathe.

“I’ve been alone my entire existence and I kept telling myself that was how the universe intended it to be. That I couldn’t love anyone because I kill everything I touch.” A smile pulls at his lips when he looks down at his bare hand and a note of awe slips into his voice. “Then you came along, beautiful and clumsy and unafraid to call me out for being an ass. I started looking forward to each full moon because it meant I got to see you and admire every new detail about your life you chose to share with me. And then when this appeared,” he nods towards the soulmate marking, gleaming faintly beneath the overhead lighting, “all I could think of was you.”

You feel your throat becoming thick as you blink back tears, inhaling sharply through your nose. “Why didn’t you say anything at the train station? Why would you let me try to set you up with matches if you liked me that way?”

Din grimaces, abashed. “Because after you said there weren’t any Cupids on your list, I realized you didn’t know I liked you. I convinced myself I had to show you how I felt, instead of tell you. Although,” he holds up a finger, backtracking, “I actually almost did confess, on our way to Sorgan, but you stopped me. And that just further convinced me actions spoke louder than words. I knew none of the people you found me could ever compare with you, so I thought once you saw each unsuccessful connection, you’d realize the only hand I want to hold is yours.”

“Din, it can’t be me.” Your protest is weak, on the verge of caving in, forcing you to try another angle. “I can’t have two soulmates.”

He inhales a breath so sharp and unexpected, it startles your poor heart into skipping a beat.

Din looks at you like you’ve gifted him all the stars in the galaxy, brown eyes blown wide with hope. “Angel, do you mean it? That you consider me—”

“Of course, you idiot.” You attempt a laugh, but it comes out sounding broken and forced. “As Death, as Din, as whoever you want to be, I’ll always consider you. But...what if what happened on Sorgan happens to us? What if the universe doesn’t favor us?”

“I just want to be yours.” Din extends his hand towards you. “And if that means breaking the universe’s rules, then fuck it. We’ll make up our own. Together.”

Time seems to stand still, like you’ve entered a realm separate from the rest of the universe where you’re able to forget you have a complicated past, filled with holes and a soulmate who rejected you. Here it’s just you, Din, and his offer to love you unconditionally. Here you have a choice.

And it’s the easiest one you’ve ever made.

You slowly lift up your hand to hover in front of his, fingers trembling as they uncurl.

“Together,” you whisper.

And then your hands are moving to meet one another, closer and closer until his fingertips brush yours, sending a spark of warmth through your nervous system. Oh, Maker, you had described what you imagined a soulmate connection was like, but you had no idea this is the true experience. It’s like a sunrise dissolving midnight skies, lighting up your surroundings with breathtaking vibrancy. You can’t fathom how you survived all this time being in his presence without feeling his touch.

“Dank farrik,” he mutters hoarsely, sounding just as overwhelmed and awestruck as you feel.

You open your mouth, but instead of words a whimper of agony escapes instead. That lovely warmth spreading from your linked hands has started to boil, white-hot and furious. It’s as if all your internal parts have caught fire and are slowly withering to ash—your organs, your bones, even your kriffing blood. 

Your body crumples and Din cries out your name, but you don’t get to hear him say it, unconscious before your head collides with the floor.

Tag List:  @leilei-draws​, @theocatkov​, @becauseican2, @vintagesaph​, @stardust-and-starlight​, @kay2304, @odelia-d32, @adrieunor​, @remmyswritings​, @gallowsjoker​, @rhiannon-russo​, @randomness501​, @eleine-t1d​, @nicotinebirds, @sylphene​, @softly-sad​, @maytheglitter​, @melobee, @rogertaylorsfalsettogivesmehives, @eleinemk, @captain-jebi, @aerynwrites, @promiscuoussatan

[24hlevi]

Numb

Mikasa Ackermann (Attack On Titan) X Gn!Reader

Genre: Angst, Slight Fluff

Warnings: Language, Talk about Domestic Abuse/Flashback

Summary: After a heated argument, Mikasa ends up hitting Y/n, resulting in them remembering their last relationship that led them to trauma.

Word Count: 3.7k

A/N: italics mean flashback, so i know i said there would be no forms of abuse on this blog but since it’s not an actual abusive relationship it’s alright, also i would like to say that if the reader has previous relationships that dealt with abuse i will write it but not if it’s a current relationship

To put it simply, you had been through quite a bit of hell in your past. Which had resulted in you having some very traumatic experiences, and led to your trauma to continue growing. When you broke up with your ex, your friends were so happy that you had gotten out of that terrible toxic relationship, but to you it felt like your world broke down. Yes, you knew what your ex did and was doing to you was utterly awful with the amount of hits you would receive, both physically and mentally, but you were still in love with them. It took years until you two broke up, and for years you were stuck in an endless pit of darkness, never being able to escape unless something bad went down and you would be able to slowly crawl out only to fall back down and land right back at square one. 

Then you met Mikasa.

Sure, you had heard about her while you were in the 104th cadet corps. But you hadn’t actually met her nor talked to her once. Mostly because you preferred to stay with your friend group and didn’t like talking to new people. But obviously, your best friend Sasha convinced you to let her introduce you to Mikasa. 

You were confused as to why Sasha offered to help you make new friends, but you let her do it anyway. 

So you met Mikasa while at dinner, sitting next to Sasha, Jean, and Connie while Mikasa, Eren, and Armin were sitting in front of you three. Eren and Jean were glaring at each other, quietly bickering with one another while Armin was trying to convince them to stop but it didn’t work, like always. Sasha and Connie were talking to Mikasa while you spoke every once in a while, hardly eating because you were too busy staring at the extremely beautiful girl in front of you. 

When you were taking a bite of the piece of bread in your hands, still staring at Mikasa, the raven-haired girl looked at you and your eyes widened, realizing you had just been caught staring. You were about to speak when Connie slung one of his arms around your shoulders, “Well would ya look at this, Y/n was caught staring!” 

A crimson red blush covered your cheeks as you elbowed the male in the stomach. “Ow! That fucking hurt, man!” Connie exclaimed, leaning over and putting his head on the table. 

“Y/n, don’t be mean.” Sasha told you with a frown, “You know he’s telling the truth.” She added after, continuing to eat. 

You glared at your friend before looking at Jean, who was still busy arguing with Eren, “Jean! Help me out here, please!” You told him.

“Huh?” Jean turned his head, looking over at you. “What do you need help with?” 

“Y/n was caught staring at Mikasa.” Sasha and Connie said at the same time. 

“You little mothetfu-“ “OH I see, well that’s no surprise.” Jean cut you off before looking at Mikasa, “You see, Y/n doesn’t know how to act around pretty people so they just stare. You’ll get used to it.” 

All you felt was embarrassment as you covered your face with your hands as you mumbled to yourself. “I’m going to kill all three of you.” 

After that very embarrassing way of a first meeting, you still didn’t talk much whenever you were around anyone else except your three friends, but you were slowly opening up more. Well, attempting to at least.

Some may have said that it seemed like you weren’t trying hard enough to get past the trauma that your past relationship had given you, but you knew you were trying your best. 

And for some reason, that was one thing that had drawn Mikasa towards you. 

When the girl walks up to you and Sasha, you both look at her with very different expressions. While Sasha’s was excitement, yours was confusion and before you knew it, Sasha grabbed your hand and looked back at you with a wide smile, leaning towards your ear and whispering, “If you screw this up, you have to deal with Connie, Jean, and I teasing you for the rest of your life.” 

When she pulled away and continued to smile, all you did was look at her with confusion. Sasha patted your head and said bye to Mikasa and you before leaving you two by yourselves. 

You looked over at the girl standing next to you and decided to speak up after a few moments of awkward silence, “So, did you need to talk to me about something?” 

Mikasa looked up from the ground and at you before nodding, “Yes. I was just wondering if you would, uhm, want to be friends, I guess.” 

One of your eyebrows cocked up at her words, not expecting that to be what she wanted to talk about. “Oh. Yeah, sure.” You shrugged, trying to seem like you didn’t care that much when on the inside you were freaking out and you didn’t even know why. 

When you glanced down at her you could see a small smile on her lips, and you knew from that moment that you wanted to see her smile more. Even if it was small, it was enough to show that she was happy. 

Little did you know that smile was going to be one you would fall in love with, as well as the Ackermann herself. 

You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you became friends with the raven-haired girl, but you were definitely in for one hell of a ride.

The more that you two began to talk, the more you realized that maybe making friends wasn’t that hard as it had been when you were with your ex. 

And soon enough,

you fell in love with the girl. 

“You WHAT?!” Your three best friends stared at you with wide eyes. 

“I think I’m in love with her.” You repeated quietly so only they could hear. “Help me out please.” 

“How do you only think it? You have to know it, first.” Jean responded. “Then, we can help.” 

Sasha and Connie nodded in agreement before Sasha spoke up, “Yeah, you can’t just think it, you have to know for sure.”

 “Yeah, what they said.” Connie replied.

“Okay but how do I know? I don’t know how this shit works, you guys.” You sighed

The three went quiet at your question as they all looked at each other as if they were communicating through their thoughts. Jean looked back at you and told you, “Well uh, you’ll just, know? I guess?”

“None of you have any clue do you?” You questioned, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked at them. 

“Nope.” All three replied while shaking their heads. 

“Great.” You groaned.

“I do have an idea on how you could tell her, though.” Jean said to you with a small smirk on his face. 

You looked back at him with confusion before noticing the smirk on his face, “Oh no, don’t do that smirk, Jean. I know what it means.”

“Awe come on! You should trust me, Y/n! I am your best friend after all.” The taller male wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

“I’m their best friend!” Sasha and Connie exclaimed, both of them going up to you and grabbing onto you. 

“We’ll help you, Y/n. Don’t you worry!” Connie smiled widely at you. 

“And we promise we won’t ruin it!” Sasha added with a smile just as wide. 

You let out a short sigh and nodded, “Alright.”

That was a terrible decision that you chose. You should have known that somehow your best friends would screw it up because they were too excited about you talking to your crush. Yet it turned out not so bad.

“Okay, here’s the plan one more time.” Jean spoke to you, Sasha, and Connie. “Y/n will find Mikasa and ask her to come outside of the HQ to talk to her. Connie, Sasha, and I will be around the corner so we can hear everything but so we can’t be seen by Y/n or Mikasa. Do you remember what you’re going to say, Y/n?” 

“Yeah.” You nodded, giving him a thumbs up.

“Great.” Jean smiled. “Now, let’s get Y/n a girlfriend.” 

It was only a few minutes later when Connie, Jean, and Sasha went outside and left you alone to find Mikasa. “Alright. Let’s do this, I guess.” You mumbled to yourself before starting to walk around. 

You eventually found Mikasa with Armin and as you walked towards them you took a deep breath before stopping in front of them. “Hey guys.”

Both of them turned their heads and looked at you, small smiles appearing on their faces. “Hey, Y/n.” Armin said to you.

You smiled back and looked at Mikasa, “Can I talk to you outside?” 

Mikasa’s expression turned to confusion but she nodded. She looked back at Armin, “I’ll see you later, Armin.” 

Armin nodded his head and smiled at you both before walking away.

“Let’s go.” You said to the girl and you began to walk the way you came that would lead to outside the HQ. 

Mikasa followed you, walking beside you as she may have been glancing over at you from time to time, trying not to make it seem obvious that she was staring at you.

When you walked outside and felt the cool winter breeze hit you, you buttoned up your jacket as you continued to walk until you were in the position Jean told you to be at.

Upon you stopping, Mikasa looked at you, “So, what did you want to talk about?” 

You glanced down at her and tried to remember everything that your friends told you to say, but as soon as you looked at the girl in front of you it all washed away like rain hitting chalk on the sidewalk. “Uh, well, it’s kinda hard to explain.” You forced out a chuckle that sounded completely fake. 

Mikasa had a confused look on her face in response to your words, before she replied shortly with, “Explain it slowly, then.”

“That might make it worse, but okay.” You looked back at her and took a deep breath before speaking again. “So, I know we’ve known each other for quite some time now, and you have quickly become one of my closest friends. Now, what I’m about to say could ruin all of this but at this point I don’t care because I can’t not tell you. From the moment I met you, I thought you weren’t going to be important to me because I only talked to my friends, but I was wrong. Like, really wrong. So, uhm, basically I uh.” You paused for a moment, looking away from her as a hot blush crept up on your cheeks. “I’m in love with you, Mikasa.” 

“Oh my god they said it.” Connie whispered as he stood behind the corner of the wall beside Jean and Sasha. 

“Not the way we planned, though.” Jean whispered back. “This could go good or bad, now.” 

“Shhh, I’m trying to hear.” Sasha shushed them and peeked her head around the corner, her eyes widening when you saw her and she ducked back behind the wall. “You should see Y/n’s face! They’re blushing so much!” She whisper-yelled to the other boys. 

You glared at Sasha who you saw peek around the corner before glancing back at Mikasa who was staring at you, not saying anything. You could feel your anxiety levels rise higher than before as you looked at her, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” 

You turned on your heel, about to start walking away when Mikasa grabbed your hand, making you stop and look back at her. You quickly noticed the blush on her face when she looked at you and the smile she had before she spoke quietly, “I think I’m in love with you, too.” 

Your anxiety washed away immediately after she said that and you smiled widely at her. You reached your free hand forward and carefully moved a strand of her hair out of her face which resulted in a deeper red showing up on her cheeks. “Can I kiss you?” You asked. 

The girl in front of you nodded slowly, resulting in you giving her a small smile before leaning closer to her. You placed your lips against hers gently, kissing her softly as you felt her relax into your touch before she kissed back. 

“They’re kissing!” Sasha whispered to the two boys whose eyes widened upon hearing her words. 

“Let me see!” Connie peeked his head around the corner and a wide smile fell on his face. “Holy shit they did!”

Jean looked around the corner as well and he smiled, “See, I knew it would go well.”

“What the hell are you brats doing?” Levi stopped behind the trio, looking at them with his arms crossed over his chest. 

The three all screamed out of shock and fell onto the ground, making it so that they would easily be seen by you and Mikasa. 

You and Mikasa pulled away from the kiss when you both heard the screams and as you turned your heads you saw your three best friends on the ground laying next to each other, with Levi standing behind them. “I fucking knew it.” You mumbled under your breath. 

The three friends just smiled at you and Mikasa innocently, acting as if they weren’t listening the whole time but you could tell that Mikasa already knew. 

After that, the plan had succeeded and you had gotten the Ackermann to become your girlfriend. You didn’t exactly know how actual loving relationships were supposed to work, and neither did Mikasa, but it didn’t matter. Why? Because even though neither of you knew how to work an actual healthy relationship, you figured it out in different ways along the way. 

And even though Mikasa wasn’t a woman of many words, she showed her love to you by often giving you gifts shyly, or just by simply spending time with you no matter what you two did. 

You actually felt like you were in love, not just with someone who “loved” you and you not loving them back. The more you and Mikasa were together, the more you fell in love with her and every little thing she did. Like the way you could feel her lips curve up into a small smile whenever you kissed her, or hearing her giggle when you said something even the slightest bit funny when she was about to fall asleep. You couldn’t help it, you were completely head over heels for Mikasa Ackermann. 

You had thought everything was going fine, minus the extreme amount of stress that you both were dealing with, but you didn’t think that anything bad would happen because of it. 

You were so wrong. 

“Why don’t you listen to me, Y/n?! I’m trying to help you!” Mikasa exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air to emphasize her point. 

“Because you aren’t helping! I am perfectly capable of doing things by myself and I don’t need you hovering over me!” You spat out angrily. 

“I’m not hovering over you, I’m trying to make sure you don’t get yourself killed!” She shot back at you.

“You are always watching my every move, Mikasa! I’m a grown adult and I can do things by myself!” You cried out, getting angrier and angrier as time went on.

“This is just how I am, Y/n! You know I do this with everyone! So why is it so hard for you to listen?!” Mikasa’s voice raised to a yell.

One of your eyebrows raised at her words as you quickly responded, “It’s not just me who doesn’t listen to you! Eren doesn’t listen to you either!” 

“This isn’t about Eren.” Mikasa snapped at you, her eyes slowly filling up with more and more anger as the argument went on.

You could tell that she was getting nearer and closer to fully exploding from her anger, but you continued on, “Oh it isn’t? Well then please, tell me what this is all about. Because to me it seems like you are completely hovering over me with every little thing that I do and it feels like you are mothering me instead of being my girlfriend!”

“I am not mothering you, I am just trying to make sure you don’t get yourself killed! Just because we’re in the Survey Corps doesn’t mean we are invincible! Don’t you understand that?!” Mikasa yelled.

“You think I don’t know that? Obviously I knew we aren’t invincible, Mikasa. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to end up dead somehow because I know what I’m doing! We’ve been doing this for years! I mean hell, just because I wasn’t in the top 10 doesn’t mean I am shit at what we do!” You spat back at her. 

Mikasa shook her head, letting out a sigh, “That’s not what I meant. But even Eren doesn’t go so far that he could end up getting himself killed.”

“You just said this wasn’t about him.” You growled out. “And yes, he does. He does it every fucking time we have to do a misson! And it’s always us who has to pay the price for his actions!”

“That’s not how it is and you know that!” She retorted. “He does what he thinks is best!”

“Why do you even care about him so much?! Aren’t I your s/o?!” You yelled angrily at her. 

“Obviously you are! But it doesn’t mean that I have to just completely ignore him! I still care about him!” Mikasa yelled back. 

“Then why don’t you just go be with Eren!” You finally exploded, not even caring about what you were saying anymore. 

Suddenly you felt a harsh sting on the side of your face and a echoing slap. You stumbled back and immediately grabbed your cheek, eyes wide as you then dropped onto your knees, covering your face with your hands. “Please, don’t. I’m sorry. I really am, I swear.” You said quietly. 

“Are you fucking stupid?! You can’t even do a simple task?!” Your ex shouted at you. 

“No, that’s not what happened, I swear!” You said quickly. 

Shortly after you said that you felt the force of something hitting you and you stumbled backwards, hitting the wall. All you could feel was pain on the left side of your face, and when you heard footsteps coming towards you, you lifted your hands up and covered your face. “Please, don’t do it again. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

You heard a ‘tsh’ as your ex grabbed your hands and pulled them away from your face before landing another hit on you, resulting in you shrieking out in pain. You got picked up by the collar of your shirt and your eyes shut, preparing for more hits that were bound to happen. Suddenly, another sharp pain went right through your stomach and you cried out, tears falling down your cheeks. “Please stop, I’m sorry, I swear.” You cried.

“Shut the fuck up!” 

“I’m sorry, please don’t. Please.” You whimpered into your hands. 

Mikasa looked at you with shock and sadness written all across her face, and she sat down on the ground next to you, grabbing onto you and pulling you into her chest. “Please don’t apologize, love. I would never hurt you on purpose.” She whispered to you. The girl gently ran her fingers through your hair as a few tears fell down her cheeks, “I’m so sorry. I should have never put my hands on you out of anger. I’ll never do it again, I promise.” 

You stayed a quiet for a few seconds before you turned your head and looked up at her, “I know you won’t. It’s just that...my last relationship wasn’t good, at all.” You paused for a moment. “It was uhm...very abusive.” You stopped there, not being able to say anymore without most likely breaking down into tears. 

Hearing those words made Mikasa feel even worse about what she had just done without realizing. She had no clue that you had even been in a past relationship, and definitely not an abusive one at that. All that she felt was shame on what she had done, and how much it had probably affected you. And she couldn’t lose you just because her anger went too far past logic and knowing what she was doing. “I’m sorry, Y/n. I didn’t know, but it doesn’t make my wrong doings okay. I’m just...so scared that I might lose you, and I wouldn’t be the same if I lost you somehow. I’m really so sorry.” She spoke barely above a whisper, looking at you with teary eyes and a few stranded tears falling down her face. 

You wiped away her tears away with the pad of your thumb and you gently caressed her skin on her cheek. “It’s okay, darling. I know you would never hurt me on purpose, which is why I forgive you. And please, don’t think you’ll lose me. I would never even dream of leaving you on purpose, so please, don’t think that.” 

Mikasa sent you a small smile before she leaned in and pressed her lips against yours with you immediately kissing back. Another thing you loved about her was how shy her kisses were, but they were still filled with so much love that you knew she would never try to hurt you. 

After a few moments, Mikasa pulled away and rested her forehead on yours. “I love you, Y/n.” She whispered. 

“I love you too, Mikasa.”

[liffy-feelin-jiffy]

Ladies and gentlemen… Tonight, I bring you-

✨🌟MARX HEADCANNONS💫⭐️

Gremlin

Bipolar - One moment he’ll go from growling or cursing someone off to smiling and acting normal before a minute passes. He also tends to have random moments of fear and nervousness before he starts feeling back to normal. He believes that it’s the lingering aftermath effects of his soul form, which is when it started happening.

Has elf ears (IN HIS ANTHRO FORM PLEASE LETS NOT IMAGINE A GRAPE LOOKIN BABY YODA WITH WIDE EYES AND VAMPIRE TEETH)

He’s very creative. If he’s stuck at a bump in the road, he’ll find his way around it in the most peculiar ways you could ever think of (that was a metaphor)

He considers himself straight (heterosexual) he never really experienced attraction toward men, and since Kirby is Non binary and asexual, it still counts to him as hetero

Doesn’t mean he hasn’t kissed a dude before

He doesn’t like talking about it, and he’ll probably rip your head off if you mention it to him in even the slightest way

Prosthetic arms. Magolor made them for him. He covers them with rubber gloves so nobody notices from afar. You’d have to touch his bare arms to really notice, and even then he wouldn’t want you doing that to specifically feel his arms. (He’ll most likely take away your arm privileges)

He spends his free time juggling, blowing up his beach balls, face painting, setting up devious pranks, and other jester things

Prank lord. He commits devious licks with Magolor aaaall the time. It’s only occasional for him to ever go too far, and even then the damage can be easily mended to

One time however, nearly ended with Meta Knight’s Galaxia in his throat (note to self: don’t ever try to leave a banana peel in his unauthorized wake)

He ain’t a clown, for he is the entire circus

He tries to be the big spoon in the relationship, but Kirby always weaves around and Marx always ends up being the wife of the pair

He’s head over heels for roses, especially the red ones. He gives them to Kirby a lot, but he lights up like a firework whenever Kirby (or anyone special) gets them for him

Experienced in flirting. Although, instead of cringey, cheesy flirts, he mostly relies on comedic pick up lines that’ll make your funny bone tingle

Ain’t no ladies man, that’s for sure, but he’s a total bro and can get along with almost anyone, despite coming off as annoying, wild, and unsettling or even Jack-wild crazy

When you’re feeling down, he’ll tell you a friendly joke or two. If that doesn’t work, then he’ll offer you a rose or maybe buy you an ice cream, and another for himself because: “guess what m8 I want ice cream too”

He gets a little agitated and a teeny bit aggressive when he’s hungry. Remember, he’ll be your best friend if you keep him well fed!

When he gets agitated or nervous, his eyes start twitching or he fiddles his fingers. It’s not too bad to where it’s aggravating but it’s still noticeable. It’s because of this that he’s usually bad at hiding his nervousness or fear

He has a few issues with his parents. They never abused, neglected him or anything like that , but they isolated him during his early childhood because of how naive they always were of the world. They’re a couple of pussies, you see. He grew up with no friends - except for Gryll, but even then she turned out to be a bitch later on, sooo…

Despite that, he still wants to see his parents again and see how they’re doing. But he’s never been able to find them.

His childhood trauma (isolation) is why he has a few flaws in communication, and can come off as off putting and morbid-humored when you first meet him.

A lot of his jokes are morbid and he uses them as a shitty coping mechanism. Even though early isolation didn’t really scar him, his past relationship with Gryll sure did.

Someone get this dude therapy

Like, he’s only fucking 17 Jesus Christ almighty

And 5,6 feet lol

Some of his jokes are ass-aching hilarious tho lmao

He speaks Spanish very fluently. Meta Knight had to do a double take when he heard the jester say it. Marx also knows a bit of Italian, and he maybe accidentally summoned a demon back when was still learning how to speak it. Mario and Luigi also had to do a double take upon finding out his multi language skills during smash bros

He first fought Kirby when he was like 11 years old and returned to Popstar when he was like 16, about 5 months before Kirby Star Allies took place

He lives with Magolor in the Lor Starcutter

He’ll probably start laughing in inappropriate situations until he realizes, yeah, it’s not a joke

He works at castle Dedede as both a jester, psychological warfare, and as one of the strongest forms of security in castle Dedede (they only use him in a last effort situation, so if they need him they’ll be like “RELEASE THE JESTER!”)

He’s strong af - not physically but magically; his skills have to be put to good use after all

There are some people who rumor him to be a psychopath. While some of his companions find it to be insulting and rude, Marx just laughs it off. Him? Psychopath? Bitch please. Wait till you here about his ex!

The communists jokes are getting a liiiittle bland. No, seriously, he’s THIS close to fucking strangling the bright sunny day out of somebody if he hears someone call him a commie one more time.

His last ex was Gryll. His ex before that, Meredith - Magolor’s younger and only sister. Unlike Gryll, Meredith provided Marx a much healthier relationship and a means of support. And even if they’re not in love anymore, they’re still close friends and they trust each other a whole lot

He loves kids. He’s a natural with em, yknow? He’ll entertain them by doing tricks, imitating and doing impressions of popular children’s mascots, and sometimes he’ll even have candy for them! Some may think it’s because he’s a jester, and because of that he’s supposed to tolerate children and shit, but it’s mostly because of the fact that he’s fond of their childlike wonder and enthusiasm, as he had barely as a kid himself due to having no friends and was always spoon fed a darker perspective of the world by his parents

Don’t worry, he’s a trustworthy guy around them. In fact, he also acts like their body guard a lot. Once he chased off a seedy prick who was acting suspicious towards a kid. Promise you this: Marx let that shithead off easy.

If you’re dating him (or just normal friends with him) he’ll get very physically affectionate. He’ll hold your hand, either give or get piggy back rides, give you right hugs, and sometimes even forehead kisses when he’s really happy or if you're feeling down. Return that forehead kissy back, you monster >:C

Flexible. af. Does this hoe even have a spine? Like, seriously, what he’s able to stunt on the yoga mat looks like something straight out of a horror movie. Jesus Christ. He should probably audition for one since he also likes acting and theatrical drama performance

He can get a little out of hand when he’s mad. He gets very aggressive, sadistic, and you’re gonna have to hold him back or calm him down, else you’re gonna have to bury someone 6 feet under. If you haven’t taken a guess, then it’s the aftermath effects of his soul form.

Other after effects include: sudden fidgeting, random and unexpected outbursts that last for only about a millisecond or two, sudden fits of giggling or grinning from ear to ear for no genuine reason, sudden aches and dull pains, and his mind just rebooting on him and leaving him confused.

Speaking of soul form, he can still do that scream he did when he was defeated by Kirby. He’d only use it for a war cry and a last resort to call for help. He can also still do the split-in-half technique; he does it during major performances a lot. He tries not to do it whenever Kirby’s around because he’s aware of the trauma he inflicted on ya boi

He can’t stay still for a second. If you’re able to keep him still for longer than a minute, he’ll be sure to get visibly impatient

May know about a prestigious, French accented dimension hopping magician, a chaotic carousel jokester who’s been behind bars and is also bipolar, a stretchy limb - gothic makeup having ass pink chick with pigtails, a sexually attractive robot imp from hell, another pink lady with tons of regret and trauma and has a major baking and party throwing hobby, and a young girl whose names starts with “screw” and ends with “ball”

Smells like a salted pastry

Because he loves pastries, and sweets, and food!

Vampire teeth

(I wrote this within a google doc instead of just blindly typing it out on here like I did with Magolor’s. Therefore, I gonna use the same tactic with every other headcannon sheet I do. Thank you all for reading this!)

[onlyfreds]

Hugs and Kisses | F.W.

Title: Hugs and Kisses

Requested: Yes/No

Summary: Y/N is not a big fan of physical contact and Fred finds out why.

Warning/s: mentions of abuse, violence, mentions of physical abuse in the past, mention of a gun, bruises

Flashbacks are in italics.

Like everyone else, I have a pet peeve.

Mine was physical contact. Not that I didn’t like touching others, I was fine if someone rested their elbow on my shoulder, but hugging, holding hands, putting an arm around someone’s shoulder/waist. No thanks.

I was walking out of the library with Angelina when I suddenly felt an elbow rest on my right shoulder.

I breathed in the familiar scent of cinnamon and firework powder.

“Hey Freddie.” I said, turning to ginger by my side.

“Hey Princess.” He said, keeping his elbow on my shoulder as George appeared next to Angelina and the four of us started to head towards the common room.

Butterflies flew around in my stomach at the nickname, hopefully the blush on my cheeks wasn’t that visible.

“You guys remember the first time Fred attempted to put an arm around Y/N?” George asked, out of the blue, causing Angelina, Fred and I to laugh.

“Oh yeah.” Angelina said, “That was so hilarious.”

Snow lightly dropped down from the heavens. Painting the ground white and letting out a small chill into the air.

The twins and I were building a snowman outside, very innocent and calm from the usual chaos and havoc we caused, but who doesn’t enjoy building a snowman?

But that peaceful atmosphere was soon destroyed when George threw a snowball at Fred. Thus, the peaceful activity of building a snowman soon transitioned into a huge chaotic snowball fight.

“Oi!” I scolded as a poorly aimed snowball from Fred hit my shoulder.

I scooped up some snow, it was time to join the fun.

--

“Okay! Okay! I give up!” George said, both hands up in mock surrender as he came out from behind the tree he was hiding.

A smirk grew on Fred’s lips, “See? You can’t beat the dream team.” He teased as he put an arm around my shoulder.

Out of instinct, I immediately pulled away, looking up to see Fred and George both taken aback.

“Sorry.” Fred immediately apologized, “Did I make you uncomfortable or anything?”

I shook my head, “No. You could never make me uncomfortable. It’s just, I’m not a huge fan of physical contact.”

The twins looked at each other, probably using their twin telepathy to communicate.

“Any type of physical contact?” George asked.

I shrugged, “Not all. I suppose that there are exceptions.”

Fred then stepped forward, cautiously resting his elbow on my shoulder, “Is this okay?”

I nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay.”

“Fred’s face was absolutely priceless.” George said, aiming a teasing smile at his twin, “He looked he’d been given an electric shock.”

“Maybe he couldn’t believe that the prettiest girl he ever laid eyes on would react like that.” Angelina added.

I rolled my eyes at the both of them, “Piss off you two before I smother you two with the nearest deadly object I find.”

Angelina scoffed, “What? Don’t tell me you don’t agree.”

I tried to stop the blush that was rising up to my cheeks, “Oh for Merlin’s sake, give me a break Angie.”

--

I sat on the couch by the common room fire, the clock had struck one a few minutes ago but I can’t seem to put down the book I was holding.

The quiet rustling of the page being turned mixed in perfectly with the soft cackling of the fireplace.

Just as the climax was put in motion, the tension between the two lovers was growing with each passing moment, and just as if Merlin had a grudge against me, the book was suddenly snatched out of my hands.

“Hey!” I complained, looking up at the culprit to see the grinning face of a certain Weasley.

“Fred!” I whined, crossing my arms over my chest, “Why?”

He chuckled, taking a seat next to me as he took the bookmark from my hands and placed it on the page I was reading before closing the book and placing on the table next to the couch, “It’s already one in the morning and you’re still reading.”

“So?” I huffed, “Just because you have never read a book in a day of your life doesn’t mean I can’t.”

He laughed, “Shouldn’t you be sleeping instead of waiting for the two lovers to just suck it up and kiss at the ungodly hours of the morning?”

I smiled, “That’s because I need answers. Besides, I could ask you the same thing, shouldn’t you be sleeping instead of bothering me?”

Fred laughed, playing with my hair, “When did I bother you?”

I shrugged teasingly, “I don’t know. Perhaps now.”

The two of us laughed before falling into comfortable silence, his hands still playing with my hair.

“Darling, can I ask you a question?” Fred suddenly said, breaking through the silence.

I looked up at him, “Sure.”

He combed his hand through his hair, “This might be kinda sensitive. But why aren’t you a big fan of physical contact?”

I bit my lip, avoiding his gaze, contemplating whether I should tell Fred the truth or not.

The smashing of glass that came from the kitchen could be heard even from the closed door of my bedroom.

The yelling from another one of my parents’ argument echoed through the walls of the house.

Then there was a thud, causing me to wince. He must’ve hit her again; it’s being going on for years. He made her promise not tell, he swore that if she did, he would kill me.

So, she never told anyone. She covered every single evidence up with makeup and kept a smile on her lips at every family gathering we attended. No matter how many times she told me that it was okay, I knew that she wasn’t.

I took in a shaky breath as I heard nothing but silence. I slowly opened the door of my bedroom, the creak probably being the loudest sound in the house.

I was about to head to the kitchen when I was that the door to my parents’ bedroom was opened ajar, I took a peek to see my mum stuffing her clothes into a gym bag.

Her shirt was riding up a bit, exposing the almost-black bruises that was littered across her back and, as far as I knew, the rest of her body.

“Mummy?” I said, the fear inside me growing with every passing minute.

She turned to face me, quickly wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Hey sweetie.” She said, her voice a little hoarse as she stooped down to my height, “I want you to pack every important belonging you have. Okay honey? Just like we practiced.”

I nodded, running back to my room as I took the small gym bag I hid under my bed and stuffed every essential thing I could.

My mum held my hand tightly as we tiptoed through the living room, our freedom from this nightmare was just around the corner.

I looked around the living room, it looked like a storm had just passed by. Shards of glass was shattered everywhere, random things that have been thrown laid on the floor. Picture frames that once hang on the walls rested on the cement floor, shattered, broken, just like their promise of forever.

What once was a place of comfort and safety, a home, turned into a place of fear and pain, turned into hell.

Mum was just about to reach for the door handle, the only thing separating us from freedom.

“Where do you two think you’re going?” A cold, furious voice asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Mum asked, turning to face my father as she clutched my hand tighter, “We’re leaving.”

My father gave a humorless chuckle, “Acting all tough now huh? What if I don’t let you.”

Mum stepped in front of me protectively, shielding me from my father, “I don’t give a damn on what you think anymore! I had enough and we’re leaving whether you like it or not!”

Before mum could reach the handle, my father pulled her away by the back of her shirt then smacked her across the face. The force had been enough to knock her over to the coffee table.

I stood there, frozen in fear, thinking for a moment that the force was enough to kill her. Once I realized that she was alright, I immediately ran to her side.

I shot my father a death glare, and did what I thought was pretty brave (or stupid) for a toddler, I ran towards him and tried to push him away. Which, obviously, had no effect.

He looked down at me with burning rage, pulling me by the hair as tears started to stream down my cheeks. Next thing I knew, a gun was pointed to my temple.

“I dare you. Walk out that door.” He threatened, tightening his grip on me, “I promise you that your daughter won’t ever be able to see another light of day.”

“Darling?” Fred’s voice pulled me out of my flashback, “Are you okay?”

I looked back at him, not realizing the tears that were dripping down my cheeks.

Without a word, he was about to put his arm around me when he stopped in his tracks. He looked at me for a moment, silently asking me for permission.

I nodded, scooting closer to him as I rested my head on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat.

I hated physical contact. But Fred was an exemption to that rule, or at least for now.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked softly.

I sniffed, wiping away the remaining tears from my eyes, “My dad used to physically abuse my mum. Whenever she made a mistake or talked back to him, he would hit her brutally. He made her swore not to tell anyone or else he’ll kill me. One day, my mum had enough so the two of us were supposed to escape but he caught us. He hit my mum then pointed a gun at my head. I really thought that I was going to die. Luckily for us, our neighbor suspected that something was wrong and called the police. They arrested him then my mum and I lived at my grandma’s house. Since that day, I knew that I hated physical contact.”

Fred rubbed my back comfortingly, stunned with my confession, “I’m your best friend and I didn’t know that you went through all that.”

I sniffed, “No one did.”

“But,” Fred continued, “Not every physical contact would hurt you. If you want, I can show you.”

I gave him a hesitant smile, “I don’t know Freddie.”

“Look, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But, if you want, let’s try it for a week. If it still makes you uneasy, then just say the word and we’ll stop.” He offered.

I licked my lips, “Okay. Let’s try it.”

--

It was a Saturday morning, Angelina, Alicia and I were eating breakfast while discussing Alicia’s recent date with Ravenclaw keeper, Roger Davies.

“He is just absolutely amazing.” Alicia said, obviously swooning over the guy.

“I call dibs on the maid of honor!” Angelina suddenly said.

“Hey!” I complained, taking a sip of pumpkin juice, “You already called dibs on maid of honor for my wedding you can’t call dibs on Alicia’s wedding too!”

I then pointed a finger at Alicia, “I call dibs on maid of honor.”

“What’s all this talk about weddings?” George asked with a teasing grin as he sat down next to Angelina.

“Oh nothing.” I said as the older twin took a seat next to me, “We were just planning Alicia’s future wedding.”

“Wedding huh?” Fred teased, putting an arm around my shoulder, causing me to tense up at first before relaxing into his touch, “Didn’t think of you three as wedding planners.”

No answer or retort came as George, Angelina and Alicia stared at Fred’s arm that was around my shoulder, their mouths slightly agape.

“Fred.” George tried to say, thinking his twin had done it accidentally.

“Don’t you remember?” Angelina and Alicia said at the same time.

He gave them a small, reassuring smile, “Don’t worry guys. Y/N and I talked last night and she willing to give this whole thing a try.”

I nodded, “I told him the reason why I wasn’t a big fan of physical contact and he offered to show how good it is.”

“So, what’s the reason?” Alicia asked.

Fred and I exchanged a look, then he said, “I think that would be a secret between Y/N and I for now.”

His answer was met with the overlapping chatter of the group.

“What?”

“That’s no fair.”

“Why does Fred get to know but we don’t?”

Fred put both his hands up, palms facing outwards, commanding silence, “Look, I’m sure that she’ll tell you the whole story once she’s ready. But for now, we should respect her decision.”

The group nodded in agreement.

Fred clapped his hands together with a small smile, “Great! Now going back to Alicia’s wedding planning, who’s the groom?”

--

Fred and I were hanging out by the courtyard, watching the sunset, his arm resting across my waist.

For the rest of the day since breakfast, Fred would frequently put an arm around my shoulder or waist.

At first, it felt a bit weird to feel his arm around me but by the afternoon I was used to it.

I had to admit, it felt nice.

“You okay?” He asked.

I nodded, giving him a small smile, “Yeah.”

“Are you sure your fine with this arrangement? Because if your uncomfortable we can stop.” He said.

I giggled, “Honestly Freddie, I’m fine. It actually feels better than I expected.”

He grinned, “Oh darling, just wait until I spoil you with hugs.”

His tone then turned serious, “Thank you for trusting me with your secret.”

I smiled up at him, “I’d trust you with my life Freddie.”

--

Over the next few weeks, Fred every physical contact as possible.

He was right, not every touch would hurt me.

I enjoyed every single one of his hugs, whenever he would place his arm around my shoulders or waist. He always seemed to find an excuse just to hold me close to him. I had to admit, there was something comforting about being so close to him, that I regretted not trying this out sooner.

“Penny for your thoughts darling?” Fred asked, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I turned around to face him, “Nothing much.”

“So, how does you feel about physical contact now?” He asked with a sly smile.

“I’m loving it.” I said returning the smile, “Thank you so much for showing me how good it is.”

He laughed, “Well I think that there is another form of physical contact you might like.”

I raised a brow at him, “Oh yeah? What is it?”

He slowly leaned forward and connected our lips together in a hungry and desperate kiss, all those years of pent-up feelings being poured into that kiss.

His hands rested on my waist as I cupped his cheeks in my hands.

Even if it was happening right in the moment, I still couldn’t believe that my best friend, my crush ever since first year was kissing me.

We pulled away for a minute before he reconnected our lips together again, this time it was slow and sloppy but full with passion.

Once we pulled away, Fred rested his forehand against mine, both of us breathless and cheeks painted a deep shade of red.

“I liked you for such a long time.” He whispered, “I have never met anyone so cute, so stunning, so intelligent, so funny and so damn hot and sexy. I have never been so in love and wanted anyone more than you. So, will you be my girlfriend?”

I smiled, “Please tell me that I’m not dreaming.”

He chuckled, tracing a finger over my arm, watching the goosebumps erupt from it, “I’m positive that you’re not dreaming.”

I giggled, “Then I would absolutely love to be yours. I would love to be able to hug you, hold your hand and kiss you. Thank you for showing me how it feels to be loved by someone so perfect.”

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