#except maybe my ex
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#it's crazy to me that one little thing can set me off for as long as it does sometimes#like i had one customer call my sir like 10 fucking times and it's got me so damn mad#and like at this point it was 2 hours ago and like#it shouldn't bother me as much as it does#and the anger almost always turns to a pit of despair and shit#i feel so fucking silly getting so worked up over something like this too#cause like. 95% of the time i can just brush it off and move on ezpz#but when I'm in this fucking state it takes over my mind and my thoughts#and damnit I was in such a good mood too !!#UGH#at least at this point i have my temper under control enough that i won't snap at anyone#except maybe my ex#but that's only if that say some stupid shit to me#at least I have my date w my friend on Tuesday to look forward to#but she might be coming over again and i Don't want what happened last time to happen again#stress is such bullshit#plus the mania rn is a Rough one#it's my first mania w no weed to bring me back down to earth#i guess at least it's happening now instead of my first being during the holiday season#cause that's going to be Hard#so i can figure out a better way to cope w this stupid bullshit before I'm in a deep pit
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baby👶 drawings. these are very dear to me rn.. 2nd pic is my Nelavis with @barvin0k's Varonur 🩵 last one is a baby bosmer and snow elf, hairiest of them all. although the bosmer was meant to be my girl Barletta too lols
#tes#skyrim#my art#oc#nelavis#barletta#😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔 babies are so sweetum ugh my heart is crumbling rn#referenced some anne g*ddes stuff for dis#i call them snow elves instead of falmer like g*lebor would want me to#i never really get to talk about my elf anatomies at length cus i'm lazy but i sprinkled some info in the first pic#altmer society is EugenicsLand so you could only tell if your child has 'good' traits when they hit puberty#ex. height and shoulder width is something very important to them#if you don't have those traits ur pretty much a failure#other elves have it easier 🤓#idk i still might make some kinda infographic for the way i picture them but umm maybe not who knows#on snow elves and bosmer the fur is still 'confused' when they're in baby stage and is pretty much everywhere#it evens out w/ age and stays on the back; neck; sides of face the most and in places where human body hair wud be#idk ummm..and i think all elves grow their nails out unless they're very intertwined with humans in their life#ex. my snelf elisif; she has her nails trimmed to be regarded as more human i guess#nails are most important to altmer tho and might be a status symbol of some kind... they like using them in combat too#it's shameful for an altmer to not have long nails for any reason but there can be exceptions#like my el*nwen that can't physically grow nails out because of burn injury#so she has fake ones on her combat gloves#it's cute#elf nails aren't as frail as human nails and are more like an animals claws (corny) but bosmers' are the sturdiest#and their nails are curved in shape. for U know. Climbing and stuff#cause dunmer and altmer etc. have straight nails. they can hit the nail salon
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Life gets so much lighter when you are just allowed to exist. When there's no god in your head listening in on everything you think. When the trees outside are not a sign of anybody's presence, but just beautiful. I think the world, fundamentally, belongs to itself. And we are a part of it. That's all.
#anyway deconverting from christianity is the best thing i ever did#bar none except maybe transitioning or moving out of my parents' house#but it all blends together as a part of one long process of finding myself apart from the people that raised me#apostate#ex-catholic#ex christian
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okay, being 100% honest, dont pull a josten and lie to me
if exy and all the aftg stuff was real, would you actually like exy? if someone mentioned kevin day/neil josten/etc, would you recognize their names?
and if the answer is yes, would you be a hater, a stan, indiffent?
remember, you cant lie
#personally#i wouldnt really care#BUT my brother is a big sports fan (like in general he likes too many sports) loves to rant to me about whats up in the sports world#so i know a lot of things and i have opinions (that are my brothers opinion that he rants to me about)#i dont know what time would he stan (maybe the foxes he's got a thing for teams that dont win jackshit with a few exceptions but not sure)#what i do now is that he would absolutely hate the ravens#mostly bc they win every season and he hates winning teams (he says is antisportmanship but actually his fave lost so)#he would despite riko for calling himself the best and also dislike kevin and jean for being (ex)ravens#(tho not as much bc 1)they changed team and 2) they dont have a fucking 1 in their faces. just a 2 and a 3)#he would love wymack#(he stans coaches as much as ge stans players)#he would second guess everytving he does but respect the shit out of him and watch the foxes games just bc he is coaching#he would think neil is funny but wouldnt like him and he would have a andrew minyard poster (i will not elaborate)#aftg#all for the game#nora sakavic#exy#exy is sexy#the foxes#palmetto state foxes#the foxhole court#tsc#idk tags#neil josten#kevin day#the perfect court#coach wymack
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Another Grant headcanon:
I think he wrote love notes when in relationships, and he went all out with like making the paper scented and stuff. But like he had no good perfume so he ended up using his horrible body spray. So like the lucky boyfriend would like find a paper reeking of the body spray like every once in a while.
Also I think he was someone who fell deep into romance because having a crush and feeling butterflies in his stomach was better than numbness. So he would pursue every crush even if he knew it would not end well because of the thrill of it. I think this sucked but I think he atleast felt like this is a normal way for life to suck.
#honestly I was thinking he continued the note thing with marco in college maybe?#and now marco likes the smell of the body spray even if grant found better perfumes cuz nostalgia#i think i am in my own la dee da world after this episode#where I think if willy takes a break from torturing the parents they should form a circle and become bffs#they should form a circle#toast to rebecca#and then just talk shit idk#i think they would be very funny as a group after they are done grieving#like cassandra would be like how could I have dated such a loser#he literally kidnapped like four of my exs ex friends and put collars on them when we were dating#and they would be like no its not your fault he is that manipulative#and then one of them would talk about their ex to comfort her#and then somwhow it would come out that willy is like the age of their grandparents#and cassandra would be like why did this senior citizen get me so bad#he told me to make him a sandwich and I#a multimillionaire made him a sndwich#this will probably never happen in canon#dndads#grant wilson#dungeons and daddies#the tags are their own seperate post at this point#dndads s2#looking back on this(tags)#all the spouses knew willy as a nice guy who saved them#rebecca was the only one who suspected him so thats why he killed her#they must be feeling so duped getting tortured except for marco who saw him kill a man#cassandra has been feeling duped since heaven#this is killing me all of them are having conversations in my head now the comedy and the pain is killing me mostly the comedy#marco li wilson#grant li wilson
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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the paradoxical effect of like. no i don't really feel any pressing need to be in a romantic relationship. but also why do the failed ones feel like such godawful personal failures. it's not (as cold as it sounds) about missing those people, because i feel like ultimately the separations were for the best, but it's like i failed at this thing i'm supposed to be good at.
#is it amatonormativity. am i mentally ill. is it just my own need to feel like i have a perfect life#combination of the three most likely#i can say honestly i don't really miss any of my exes. the one person i miss was more situationship/codependent friendship#not rly a relationship. and that separation was still for the best but still#it's crazy. it's mind boggling to me. how do you go from thinking you're in love with someone#to not thinking about that person at all except to think maybe i should#feel this way abt x#makes me feel bad like there's smthn wrong w me fr
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On today's episode of Holy Shit My Childhood Was Not Normal:
Kurtis Conner being thrown off by the girls'/boys' bibles with the random "Dream Girl" and "Grossology" passages and shit like that in them
#I didn't have that exact one but I had a girls' bible with the lil dream girl passages in them#mine was purple and green#There was a specific one I read over and over because it was about thinking about your best friend#and I thought about my best friend that way#except it wasn't actually in a friend way I flat out just had a crush on them lol#I later went on to id as a lesbian and that specific story made helped me realize it#so maybe that bible was good for something#I'm now a lil bi boy who might be ace but still#Im 21 now actually Im a Man in the U.S. /j#it's just#always so funny watching people remind me that I grew up Not Normally#like I genuinely got so into reading those lil bible dream girl passages#but I also preferred the gross out shit of the boys' one#cause I was one of those cartoon network poop fart joke funny tweenagers#I loved gaming stunts and all things gross or whatever#I wasn't allowed to actually do that because I was a lil lady so I enjoy it now#I tell people I'm going to shit their pants if they don't leave me alone and think I'm the funniest human alive#anyways go watch kurtis's new video about gendered products it's good#ex christian#religious trauma
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I JUST FINISHED JUJUTSU KAISEN 0.
so actually I had watched a good bit of it, but got distracted by the manga and oh boy.
I kind of understand where Geto is coming from, but still.. I don't know who to side with in the series at all, what I mainly know is that I love Yuta Okkotsu so much. Also, as I was watching the Geto Vs Yuta scenes, right after he gives himself to Rika, as he's positioning his fingers towards Geto, it looks like he's flipping Geto off out of spite lmao.
+
Another day of me trying to beat the "everybody likes gojo" allegations. (No hate to people who like him, I'm just very embarrassed that a part of me does because half the fandom does already.) PLUS, I know alot of people are thirsting over him, but honestly I think he's a genuine good guy. He seems to actually care, but just plays it off as something not as important. I'm still new to this by the way, so sadly I'm jumping all over the place with lore... But there have been a few people who say that gojo is emotionally unavailable?? Take this with a grain of salt because I've just OVERHEARD. It would make sense that he really does actually give a shit, it's just hard to get close to him. (I've seen someone say that Gege had implied Gojo was hard to get close to?? I'm not entirely sure on what he meant by that.)
#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#anime#manga#jujutsu gojo#jujutsu geto#yuta okkotsu#i am having a hard time deciphering some of this stuff so i wouldn't mind any help in the comments of a overall run down lol#i mean a rundown of what order i should read of watch everything in#my ex said that i should watch jjk 0 first and it would explain al#alot#except i feel like ive missed quite a bit still.#maybe because i didnt read the manga 1-55 and skipped because i had seen the anime for the beginning.#idk#i still enjoy it though
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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Stuck on the first few eps of Farscape after finishing up Fantasy High s2 and maybe its the whole most recently consumed bias but I'm really struck by how much it feels like a dnd game??? Bunch of weird lil renegades slapped together and put in weird situations, honestly it would make a really interesting starting point for a game
Anyway John Crichton is a bard/wizard; he does a lot of persuasion as performance and that scene of him collapsing to the floor to write slingshot equations is THE most wizard shit- perhaps Artificer would be more accurate to him but it's not a class I'm familiar with.
#most of the others i feel are fairly obvious#i do feel like thats a fun lil idea to expand on tho; write a dnd game thats Just Farscape and see how long it takes the players to notice#maybe even set it up like ok theres a bunch if Archtypes you can pick tovplay as#but instead of Zhaan Aerun D'argo etc its The Preist The Commando The Child Soldier Barbarian adhfjsjsjd#and its the PCs characters#might let that cook a lil longer#anyway yeah i honestly might make Crichton as a character bc i always forget how endearing he is to me#fuckin love Farscape man it honestly explains so much about me that i watched it at like 10 years old#its like. imo its better star wars#its closer to space fantasy than to scifi and just goes balls to the wall with it#i know the production of it was kind of insane with alot of stuff being added by the cast just messing around in character#and it gives it so much charm!!#also ultimate bisexual/pansexual/alien fucker show please help everyone is hot#baby jason ABSOLUTELY imprinted on both Zhaan and Claudia Black#im also currently workshopping a char that got a lil of aerun and a lil of crichton injected in#to be a long term foil for Sunny#basically raised by their ex and groomed to be a fucked up honeypot for them to fuck them over later#except she develops feelings for them and its all this really complex REALLY toxic dance of masks#but we'll see how that one cooks#tldr i gotta make my Bardificer later lmao#potentially with some rogue or warlock levels later on
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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every maisie peters song is so stephanie brown to me
#her ex was a bitter man middle child..#dc#in my dc era#dont take tjis as tim slander except maybe he deserves it sometimes#stephanie brown
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I see a lot of people I knew from school posting pictures on their social medias with all their friends doing various fun things together. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home wishing I could take a group photo with all my Tumblr mutuals to post so I can brag about having the best friends.
#too much of my social life is based on Tumblr but i really don't get out much since I don't have a job and i made like 1 friend in school#so i don't really know anyone to hangout with other than my siblings and my one friend#and i don't go out much exept for occasionally to the library or the store so i don't get the chance to meet new people#i used to have all 5 of my sisters at home and that was all the company i needed#but now they've all moved out except for my younger sister and im realizing that im very deeply lonely#i need to get a social life! but how!#Also i think this is part of the reason I jumped into things too quickly with my ex gf now my best friend#like I was so excited that i had found someone who was just as interested in being friends with me as i was with her#that i misstook my feelings for her as romantic ones cuz i was so lonely and she was such a good friend#and i was so scared to tell her cuz I didn't want to ruin our relationship. it didn't. we're still besties.#but i think im so lonely idk if I'll be able to know the difference between platonic and romantic feelings#and part of that definitely comes from being ace as well#anyways there's my tangent for the night about why I need a better social life and maybe a bit of therapy too#haha that got super personal oops 😬#might delete these tags later
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this book is acruakly soooo disappointing
#i was thinking like oh religion and queer angels and culty stuff that sounds fun but its actually SO BORING#every fifteen pages he started talking abt his ex like i still love him and also hes ENGAGED???? but he keeps saying betrothed like a weirdo#and like hes literally still in love w his ex but i KNOW thats not the real li but hes talked to the real li like six times maybe#like why put a love triangle if everythings lame and boring#and like the workd building fucking sucks its so bad all i know is global warming made it rlly rlly hot#and ok i get this kinda dystopian setting is hard to pull off but why is it SO fucking jarring i keep forgetting its dystopia#and like listen i get queer rep being important but this is SO BAD.#its like modern queerness + future dystopian apocalypse and it fucking sucks#like nothing abt queerness evolved over the last few decades?? are you fr?? we’re still having the exact same queer discourse??#if youre gonna write a love letter to queer survival at least be fucking CREATIVE#im not buying that human culture stayed totally static except for global warming and a religious apocalypse#what abt race what abt sports what abt food what abt jewelry and clothes and ughhhh this is so boring#ok and the li also has no personality traits bc every time hes there alk the mc says is#wow! he has floppy hair! that he pushes back w bobby pins!#oh my i dont know how to use the bobby pins he gave me so im gonna dramatically throw them on the floor when we have our only fight!#ALL I KNOW IS. he has floppy hair it might be black#this book fucking sucksssss im so upset i hate gr reviews#avery rambles
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adding another character into vrisrezi is like putting a baby mouse in between two high highly powered neodymium magnets
#relationship anarchy and polyamory rule but i just dont see it working w/vrisrezi for the most part#with the exceptions of maybe jade (the most powerful character in homestuck)#or june casually dating them. like playing minigolf and making out with them every tuesday or smth#or rosemary hooking up with em occasionally#the only reason i remember the word “neodymium” is bc one time my ex kept trying to buy magnets so he could try to disable security tags#it never worked#vrisrezi#homestuck#bluh bluh bluh
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