#except it adds tons of fat to girls

[doughyduo]

Woman who makes custom cake shakes that are addicting and who has two giant hoses with her to shove in your muse’s mouth.

[shoeistars]

— NO PHOTOS ! pt. 1

༺ feat. isagi, bachira, chigiri, kunigami, nagi

༺ outline. where the boys keep their slutty polas of you <3

༺ w. pro!players, 18+ content, minors dni, photos/polas, fem!reader, read at your own discretion as I don’t do individual tagging for element of surprise <3

༺ pt. 2 (reo, barou, rin, sae, shidou)

— ISAGI ! on the back of his phone

Oh, he’s obsessed with this one polaroid you let him take, his cock slotted between your pretty tits. Your nails sparkled in the photo due to the flash, acrylics all shiny as you held your breasts together to keep him nice and snug

That night was one where he had earned himself a big win, the celebration you gave him was timeless. Your face was all sticky, smeared in pearly cum and runny spit, little bubbles all around the corner of your mouth

Clear case and all, everyone can get a good look at his favorite girl, see just how much of a cockslut she was with a fat dick between her tits and a pearly smile on her face

— BACHIRA ! shoebox

As deranged as Bachira is, he likes to keep you for his eyes only. That being said, the Nike shoebox that’s stored under his bed is full of filth, softcore porn, downright sin

Pictures of your leaking cunt just pumping cream all over the base of his thick cock, pictures of your fucked out face all flushed and dazed. Constant memories that he happens to keep ahold of for lonely nights

There’s enough to nearly fill up the big black box that once held his soccer cleats, so full that the lid can’t even fit on properly to do its job. It’s a tradition for him to snap a shot of you when he’s got you cockdrunk, after all

— CHIGIRI ! trendy altoids wallet box

Did we expect anything else from our artsy princess? He follows trends and those metal altoid mint boxes aren’t an exception, he carries it around with him at all times, decorated to perfection

He’s got tons of miscellaneous shit in there, ranging from a mini bottle of fragrance, a roll of tums, a fortune slip from the fortune cookies the two of you got at the local chinese restaurant in your area

Oh, but his favorite item is taped at the top of the box, sealed in place with a hello kitty sticker. A polaroid of you with his cock down your throat, taking it so deep that you can see the outline in your esophagus. He just so happens to be pressing a palm flat against, Chigiri was real proud of you that night

— KUNIGAMI ! scrapbook

A man of class, really. He’d hate to see all of those precious photos of his princess getting damaged or scratched, his best bet was getting a plain book to store each pola in their own plastic slots

They’re even organized, ranging from you sucking his cock, to your back turned to him as he’s plowing your guts from behind, to you on your knees with glossy nut covering every goddamn inch of your body

It’s his prized possession, stuffed in his bookshelf next to all of his old soccer books and manga. A good flip through is enough to make him chub up in his joggers

— NAGI ! playstation

That playstation was damn expensive, he’d be a fucking fool to not add a breathtaking picture of you bouncing on his dick like it’s your lifeline. It’s taped with washi tape, front and center for him to look at anytime he’s within reach of his console

You’re purely glowing in the photo, the sheen of sweat he got you worked up in making your skin glisten like a goddess. The flash managed to catch the details of his veined up arm as he wrapped a huge hand around your throat

He’s obsessed with the expression on your face too, brows furrowed and jaw slacked with a fat glob of spit dripping past your lips like a hungry dog. His girl was a whore for big dick, a fact that made him smirk lazily when it crossed his mind

[plaindangan]

(Note, you see how I usually joke about how secretely Angie is a sex godess with reality altering powers and a secretely lustfull mind~ of a succubus queen ? Well that, but it’s Kaede)

Would you believe that ? It’s cosplay day in V3 class! And everything is fun and chill except for one boy… Shuichi! The reason..? His best girl-friend and crush Kaede decided to cosplay as tamaki from fire force, minus the hair, thanks to tsumugi the cosplay is perfect but.. she’s wearing the fire fighter’s girl uniform! Meaning Kaede is walking around in a bra! (And cool as hell coat and trousers that shows some nice tights) her more than big breasts bouncing and jiggling around!… not only that but.. it seems no one seem to realize it appart from shu! And the more he stares at them… the more he feel compeled to continue! Even if his embarassement gets the best of him the arousal keep on comming! Each time he looks they look bigger, fuller, warmer, lewder, more inviting.. demanding.. ORDERING him to let go of his Inibitions and turn into a simp~! After a while it’s not just the breasts that seem to grow!.. it’s Kaede as a whole~! She grows Thiccer, sluttier, slightly taller, more muscular and built yet still so plump and thicc~! More dominative~… more hungry for the emo femboy and his fat ass that looks even fatter in that cute skirt~… uh~? Wasn’t he the ultimate detective~?… he can’t remember… he can just stare at boobs~… stare at Kaede~… she’s asking him to follow her to her room~… and they’ll never get out~

Basically a corruption smutt story from shuichi’s perspective, you can add a Sex scene at the end but not obligated, don’t hesitate to take your time, insist on how is mind, her body, herself, his own body, the world, slowly gets changed~ Ehehe imagine me sending an ask that isn’t a ton of work~! Do it and I’ll send a huge frustrated policegirl rumi sitting on plain~!

Disclaimer: Below is content that's more on the racy side! If not for you, you probably shouldn't read!

When it came to cosplay day, Shuichi didn't think much of it. I mean, yeah, it would be nice dressing up with his friends, but otherwise it would be just a regular day like no other...

Life, however, decided Shuichi should be wrong. Very wrong. Because at this time Shuichi, dressed as Pokemon Trainer Red, was currently next to a Kaede that was, ah, more than just a little exposed. Apparently her cosplay was from some character named Tamaki who was a firefighter of sorts. Now, that wouldn't' be bad, except for the fact that aside from a pair of baggy uniform pants and jacket, Kaede wasn't wearing a shirt. Meaning she was constantly exposing a black bra that covered her ample chest. Her very....jiggly brea-!!!

What was he thinking!?

Shaking his head, he looked away, just in time as Kaede had hooked an arm around him, excitedly asking if he's seen the other classes cosplays yet?

Focus! He needs to focus! On her boo-gah! On Kaede herself. Just don't look down. As they went from class to class, at first, things seemed to go well. Kaede looked amazed at the costumes that her peers picked out and even Shuichi was impressed. Things were looking up.......

Then Shuichi just happened to glanced downwards and looked nearly flabbergasted. He, n-not out of anything perverse mind you its just total coincidence this keeps happening, knew Kaede's chest more than anything. It was big and blatant, but never more!! So...why was it now somehow bigger??? Plumper and, somehow, even jigglier as she moved slightly around, it couldn't have been a trick of the eyes...right? No, who was he kidding? He's just seeing things!

(In the back of his mind, inexplicably, he could have sworn a familiar voice was giggling to herself)

As they walked to the next class, almost as if he was daring for something to happen, Shuichi peeked at her chest again and found-!!

Yeah, okay, something was up. Her breasts were now straining her bra for all it was worth and looked even larger than her head?! How!? Shuichi's eyes were darting between her chest and looking for everyone's else's looks on the matter...and they weren't doing anything at all!? Heck, it didn't even seem like one of them noticed!? How could this...wait. Hold it.

Her stomach...was it ripped? Kaede was a lot of things but, even she wasn't dedicated to building up muscle. Yet, she suddenly now had a six pack!? He blinked and was going to finally ask what was going on...but his eyes went wide. Tall....she was now towering over both himself and even the likes of Gonta!! And no one noticed a thing!? Kaito, Maki, Rantaro, hell, Kokichi!? Nobody!? Not even one? They all kept chatting with each other like nothing was amiss. As if Shuichi was the weird one for noticing these oddities.

Everytime he blinked or glanced away it was like Kaede's body was changing just to spite him. Stronger arms. Thiccer hips. An ass that was rounder than ever and dwarfed even the likes of Miu and Kirumi's!! What was going on? Kaede, in a span of a few seconds, now resembled an incredibly fit, curvier firefighting Amazon!? This...this had to be some sort of trick!? There's no way this was feasible...right?

Thoughts like those were in his head, but they gradually began to be overwhelmed by something else. His own urges to be with Kaede, experience a pleasure never before felt with her. His face was red about the potential, so much so that he tried to avoid Kaede possibly staring at it whenever possible.

But, this was Kaede, picking up details like was second nature to her now!~ By the time everything was winding down, Kaede had bent over, giving Shuichi more than a good look at her boobs, before whispering ever so softly:

"You're really on fire, hmmm?~ I know exactly how to put one out~ Won't you follow me, Sweetheart?~" Her low, melodic, whisper always knew how to grip Shuichi and today was no different. Throwing the lovesick, horny, detective over her shoulder she gave a good slap to his perky skirt covered ass...huh? Was...was he always wearing a skirt? What was he thinking...of course he was! He was cosplaying as Pokemon Trainer Leaf now. He just looked so cute in that red miniskirt!~ It really highlighted his curvy things annd that wasn't even mentioning how it barely covered his fat ass~ Just one slightly stronger breeze or bending forward a biiit too much and anyone could see his pale caboose, covered by a dark green pair of lacey panties~

Something that drew Kaede crazy as she got a good feel of such a thing. She just knew that she'll have fun trying to 'quench the fire' that had gathered so very much in those full balls of his. Yes, she'll spend hours upon hours dutifully putting out every last, gooey, sticky, white 'spark'~ And then afterwards? Well, he could use that tongue of his to put out the inferno that was going wild in her!~ She was excited to not only milk him dry, but also feel what his own cock can do to 'quench' her blaze!~

As the couple went off, a giggling artist could only watch from afar. Smiling ever so happily at her accomplishment. Nothing better than spending a Friday afternoon prodding the flames of love!~

[the-firebird69]

Kursi Tamunya Sultan Nih Boss. 😁😁👉 #aryadinatafurniture #furniturejepara

I want my eagle chair with Eagle on the armrest and a big eagle above but in the form of a throne and he's going to be the dragon the big dragon and dragon on the armrests in a throne like this but out of redwood and he says he can do it and it says we'll pay for her the chairs we're going to have money if you don't people want them all over the world for ridiculous amounts of money little ones that looks like it cuz he knows what it looks like in my mind and he's going to make them and he's telling us the bill and we accept and each and he wants you to roll it into the house and bring it in and he says he'll include that and it's great

Hera yeah I have scanners

Zues good. Lol

Yeah he said rig but he meant rigging that's what you call it in construction. I'm going to build the chairs and I will take a couple pics and put them in only one place and people will see it then he's known as The lizard King and she's actually known as the queen of eagles he doesn't know that and he says empress and I said oh yeah that's the empress level if you can figure out what it is but really in Asia they had a lot of emperors and emphasis I know what it is it's like this furniture I'm going to do it he says not too big maybe 9 or 10 ft I get that it's about the right size when the sand and last sat in last but not the right shape and I get that too this is great

Bg no it's not expecting it

I got to say something this guy is really cool his advice is really raw and true he said that we should get a smaller one the one who has this for a big people there really is it is pretty big I always say it but I'm not that big everyone laughs at me and says you're actually small and that girl's nuts that girls like fourth generation and keeps torturing him with telling him what she's doing is it going out fat ass she won't stop so how can you stop there's no way and she got something they're bothering me yeah so we had a good time this is a great idea I love it and they want to make that car I take car and that's the John Cena and they had an idea it was really really crazy by making the show is something we can do and he has to make a new one it won't be the same and BG can scan it you know where it is he says he has one he says good enough and all you do is take the thing and you cut your shorten it but you need the big wheels and tires makes it go very fast this is how about a little smaller and maybe a little an inch this is wow I mean it is one of the secrets lk your big vehicles. Anything he says it too I can scan it in 3D print it and it's kind of like clay and it's not really something I can carve and then I can have a laser help me even it all out perfectly and there it is and it's going to be awesome and he can design in the components it's not too hard said for the kid we probably wouldn't do these super exhaust but for his own car which might be a secret project and it'll go faster and you put the trough he's got all that this will be great

Crissy

We have a pic too or the image doesn't really do much this would be awesome and the intake is cool I looked at it it would work man this thing is going to be awesome it says it works by drawing too when you're at a standstill the heat will drive in you have a fan and really this is intense I haven't seen anything like that except the Renault I helped on that especially his design really the front end doesn't do justice to it it goes slow because of it this is gas and I think I'm going to use the Corvette chassis it's the only mid engine you got this decent sized really there's no other car that was that I can think of because they're usually expensive that little car is so small and he said could be the Bradley GT1 I can do the same thing with the Bradley I just take it in 3D it and I can add and detract material this is going to be weird I going to be able to make tons of cars mini Lamborghini it's a lot of fun making a mini kit I didn't start doing this I don't want to make cars that do nothing and I can make a kit and really I can instruct them on how to do the frame you put it on there and you put the frame on and you do have to pull it off to weld all around and yeah that's really no way to do it this will be so intense it's not even funny

Bg

Olympus we are approving this and we want people to volunteer to help him to get it done this is an awesome idea and what a strange thing a 3D printer it comes out a little rough but it comes out with with the shape is and he can mold with that wood it's a perfect idea

[notebookmusical]

Hi! I’ve been on a social media break for a while and I think I missed some new book releases, do you know where I can find a recommendation list for 2021-2022? Or if you have any recommendations (preferably by authors of color). Thank you so much 💜 No worries if not

hello hello!! 🤍 here is my recommendations list tag, where i think you'll be able to find some 2021-2022 recs there!

i also looked back at my 2021 reading tracker, and some of my favorites of 2021 are:

young adult

ace of spades by faridah àbíké-íyímídé: an incendiary and utterly compelling thriller with a shocking twist that delves deep into the heart of institutionalized racism, from an exceptional new YA voice. 🌈

fat chance, charlie vega by crystal maldonado: a sensitive, funny, and painful coming-of-age story with a wry voice and tons of chisme, that tackles our relationships to our parents, our bodies, our cultures, and ourselves

hani and ishu's guide to fake dating by adiba jaigirdar: their mutually beneficial pact to fake date, hani and ishu start developing real feelings for each other. but relationships are complicated, and some people will do anything to stop two bengali girls from achieving happily ever after🌈

indivisible by daniel aleman: a remarkable and timely story-both powerful in its explorations of immigration in American and deeply intimate in its portrait of a teen boy driven by his fierce, protective love for his parents and his sister. 🌈

last night at the telegraph club by malinda lo: a story of love and duty set in San Francisco's Chinatown during the Red Scare. 🌈

luck of the titanic by stacey lee: the richly imagined story of Valora and Jamie Luck, twin British-Chinese acrobats traveling aboard the Titanic on its ill-fated maiden voyage.

not here to be liked by michelle quach: a cheeky, feminist and searing novel that unpacks just how complicated new love can get…when you fall for your enemy.

these violent delights & our violent ends by chloe gong: an imaginative Romeo and Juliet retelling set in 1920s Shanghai, with rival gangs and a monster in the depths of the Huangpu River

this poison heart by kalynn bayron: an inspiring and deeply compelling the secret garden retelling about a young woman with the power to conquer the dark forces descending around her. 🌈

you've reached sam by dustin thao: a heartfelt novel about love and loss and what it means to say goodbye

new adult/adult

arsenic and adobo by mia p. manansala: the first book in a new culinary cozy series full of sharp humor and delectable dishes—one that might just be killer...

crying in h mart by michelle zauner: from the indie rockstar of japanese breakfast fame, and author of the viral 2018 new yorker essay that shares the title of this book, an unflinching, powerful memoir about growing up korean american, losing her mother, and forging her own identity. *non-fiction

honey girl by morgan rogers: a coming of age story that grapples with fears that make us human, the family scars that need to heal and the longing for connection, especially when navigating the messiness of adulthood. 🌈

dial a for aunties by jesse q. sutanto: what happens when you mix 1 (accidental) murder with 2 thousand wedding guests, and then toss in a possible curse on 3 generations of an immigrant chinese-indonesian family? you get 4 meddling asian aunties coming to the rescue!

trigger warnings under the cut as always! you can also always add me on goodreads here! if you (or anyone else) is interested in my 2022 anticipated releases so far/favorite 2022 reads (or anything at all! happy reading 🤍

trigger warnings for:

ace of spades: racism, homophobia, bullying, blood, alcohol consumption, car accident, racist slurs, stalking, emotional abuse, panic attacks/disorders, outing of queer characters, suicide ideation , suicide attempt, death of parent, gun violence, murder, toxic relationship, sexism, forced institutionalisation, drug use, police encounter/involvement, incarceration, mentions of death penalty, revenge porn

arsenic and adobo: fatphobia, drug abuse, evidence planting, police intimidation, (implied) domestic violence, racism, fatphobia/ableism/misinformation about diabetes*

crying in h mart: death of a parent, death of a family member, trauma, addiction, cancer

dial a for aunties: death, murder, description of dead bodies (no gore), casual racism, attempted sexual assault, drug use, alcohol use

fat chance, charlie vega: fataphobia, mentioned death of a parent, mentions of sex, underage drinking (chapter 13), racism, a strained relationship with a parent, diet culture, emotional abuse + manipulation

hani and ishu's guide to fake dating: racism, homophobia (specifically biphobia and lesbophobia), Islamophobia, toxic friendship, gaslighting, and parental abandonment

honey girl: discussion and depictions of mental illness, self-harm (scratching skin, nails digging into skin as an anxiety coping mechanism, cutting), past suicide attempt by a side character, anti-Blackness, racism, homophobia, casual alcohol consumption, minor drug use (marijuana), mentions of war, PTSD, past parent death (side character), grief, medical talk, self-destructive behavior, police, amputation (chapter 4)

indivisible: deportation, anxiety/panic attacks, homophobia, racism

last night at the telegraph club: abandonment, parental abuse, family trauma, sexism, misogyny, racism, racial slurs, deportation, death of a loved one, homophobia, internalized homophobia, miscarriage, police brutality

luck of the titanic: racism, use of slurs, death of a parent, death of a loved one

not here to be liked: sexism (challenged), racism (challenged)

these violent delights / our violent ends: mentions and descriptions of blood, violence, gore, character deaths, transphobia, explicit description of gouging self (not of their own volition), murder, weapon use, insects, alcohol consumption, parental abuse / blood, violence, gore, character deaths, murder, weapon use, insects (chapter 3 & 14 particularly are quite descriptive), alcohol consumption, parental abuse, transphobia

this poison heart: brief depictions of grief, mentions of adoption, murder, death of a parent, blood and gore, decapitation, dismemberment, strong language

you've reached sam: grief, death, divorce/separated parents, racism, car crash

[popculturebuffet]

Mickey Mouse Birthday Shortstravaganza!

It’s Mickey and Minnie’s Birthday! It was 92 Years Ago Today everyone’s faviorite mouse came in on a tide of whistling, romance and animal abuse and swept into America’s hearts and wallets. Okay I am a day late on this, I had a busy day, but hey a belated celebratoin’s still good right? Right? Eh i’m doing it anyway.   Anyway since then he’s been one of animations most iconic characters, and while out of the classic power trio I vastly prefer donald and goofy, they still woudln’t be around without Disney’s big cheese and having not seen a ton of Mickey’s shorts, I felt I owed it to the big eared one to take a look at a bunch of his shorts for his birthday and see how I liked em. If your curious about my previous Donald Duck marathon, it’s CLICK THIS LINK.  Unlike last time all of these shorts are on Disney+ as more of Mickey’s library is on there and one or two of these were added recently, as Disney tends to add a few a month. I do wish there were more on there.. but unlike with say the handful of shows they haven’t put on there, i’m a bit more forgiving here. For one thing, YouTube has all the shorts available from various uploaders and DIsney hasn’t touched them despite Plus’ launch. Given like most companies Disney usually has their bots a cirlcing for their content, this has to be delebrate on there part and it’s a good gesture from the company. So while not in crisp HD like the Plus copies, or as easily avaliable, you can find any short that’s happened. So the shorts not all being up at once isn’t an issue like most of the shows that are absent on Plus. 

They also heavily need to cherry pick their library as some shorts simply haven’t aged well or have offensive stuff. With the exception of “The Beach Picnic”, which has a racist caricature of native americans via ants.. yes really, most of the shorts are fine to show kids, and have aged pretty well. And as my last marathon showed some shorts.. just haven’t. While not you know racist, seriously why is the Beach Picnic on there?, “Donald’s Penguin”, while utterly adorable at first, ends with Donald trying to murder a baby penguin with a shot gun. No amount of content warnings is going to get past one of their beloved icons pointing a shotgun at a baby. While Disney’s self conciousness can be silly, the splash edit and not putting the Darkwing Duck episode “Hot Spells” on plus for instance, this is one time when I can agree with them: if someone is curious about a paticuarlly offensive short or a propoganda one, youtube exists. But given Plus is trying to be all ages and dosen’t have censoring they have to be careful what they put on there, and I can respect that. I don’t think anyone’s crying a river over the fact that the goofy short where his reflection keeps saying “Hey Fat”, over and over while he struggles with his weight isn’t on Disney Plus and thankfully never will be. But seriously get rid of the “Beach Picnic”. It’s not a good short and you already have one batch of native american stereotypes with “Peter Pan”, I don’t think racist ants are the hill you want to die on disney.

So yeah, this time all of these are from Disney Plus, and since I watched them all at once, their in Watch order rather than chronological like last time. So with all that out of the way...

After the cut

1. Steamboat Willie (1928): It’s All Fun and Games Until Mickey Strangles an Innocent Duck Starting from the obvious source, Steamboat Willie was the start of Mickey’s career. And it’s.. okay. The animation is fantastic and the first half is pretty good: Theirs a pretty good gag with one of the cows. But the finale, with Mickey abusing various animals just isn’t that funny A LITTLE rattling of an animal for comedy is fine.. but the things Mickey does here are just sociopathic> And yes I know it was the 1920′s, but even in that lawless, racist, sexist time, they knew better than to strangle a duck, or, in the moment that puts it over the top, remove suckling pigs fromt heir mom and then play a pig’s teats like an insturment to make it squeal musically.. I assure you I did not make this up. That actually happens.  The pacing is also fairly slow at points, with some gags dragged out, though that can be chalked up to having no way to edit the damn thing, so that part I can forgive more.  What makes up for it, like I said, are some good jokes, and some gorgeous animation. Decades later and while clearly made a long time ago, it still looks vibrant and really pops even in black and white. It shows just how talented Disney was and how far the company could go with this medium.  One last thing to note is Mickey’s Early personality. While he’d retain trickster aspects at times, here he bounces between the loveable jolly mouse we’d come to know for the rest of his career who sometimes has a wild streak.. and a total asshole who strangles a duck. It’s just intresting to see such a diffrent side of him,  most of which would end up going to Donald over time. Overall the short is decent, not the best of Disney’s catalogue but worth a watch for the historical significance despite it’s shortcomings, pun unintended. 

2. Thru the Mirror (1936): That Was a Weird One This was easily my favorite of the bunch and as of now, my favorite Mickey Mouse Theatrical Short. Part of it is that it’s entirely bonkers; The film STARTS with Mickey , sound asleep, some how astral projecting as his soul, his spirit or whatever lead shis body and having been reading Alice Thorugh the Looking Glass, goes into a mirror world. But instead of encountring evil goatee mickey, he encounters a bunch of living objects and a bunch of fun set pieces for jokes ensue. He dances with playing cards, fights an army of them, has a sword fight with the king after dancing with the queen which.. no Mickey, bad mickey, your in a relationship and so is she. Bad Mouse bad. It is entirely fucking insane, even including a living nut cracker which.. words can’t.. look

They.. they had to know how this looked right? did the director have a ball busting fetish? I mean okay if he did, nothing wrong with that, but maybe don’t put it in your children’s cartoon.  That being said it does eat the shells which I find creative. And that’s what really makes this one pop. The creativity. Not a single minute is boring, every minute has something intresting going on, but without throwing too muchi n your face. It’s just a wonderful short and one that like Mr. Duck Steps out, i’ll be rewatching a LOTTTT. 

3. Mickey’s Rival (1936): Mortimer: The Original Bro From the same year we have disappointment. Having grown up with the disney classic House of Mouse, I was a huge fan of Mortimer. So when I first saw this, I was happy to see where he came from.. then justifably blocked it out of my mind till this review. While I love mortimer, I love Mickey having a sleazy rival and one diffrent than Pete who has different goals and tactics than the big guy. But his debut just has him as an obnoxious snickering bro.. which to be fair is who he is, but without the venre of charm his later version would have.  Mortimer just spends the short being a pranking douche, and blatantly hitting on Minnie in front of Mickey while their on a date. Which even in an open relationship is a no no, so he has no leg to stand on.. metaphorically. He also walks weird in this one because, and this is true, he’s carying 9 volt batteries in his pants. Yes really. That’s the level of Douche we’re dealing with. Someone so up their own ass they carry batteries int heir pocket instead of money or a mask or children’s trading cards like a normal person or a me.  What makes it frustrating is Minnie just swoons over the guy. And not like “Awww he’s so funny”, I mean romantically then has the gaul to say “your just jealous” when Mickey is understandably fuming over the jackass who swooped in, pranked him, is hitting on his girlfriend in front of him by teasing a bull, and in general is just the worst. Yes.. yes he is. Justifably. Jealousy is an ugly emotion but there’s a line between some dude bro like Mortimer getting mad your friends with someone you could be in a relationship with, boy, girl, neither, both, whatever your into, and Mickey getting mad his girlfriend is chuckling all over her ex who agian, crashed their date and treated him like garbage and is very transparently hitting on her in the middle of it.  It’s also just not a very funny short, outside of the bit pictured and tha’ts more for the sheer aburdity of Mortimer elctifying his pant for a really dumb gag about stealing people’s pants button. He’s very lucky we didn’t see Mickey’s Epic Mickey is what i’m saying. But given he’s a frat bro, the 1930′s version granted but a bro nonetheless,  he’d probably find that hilarious until he noticed the sheer size and scope.  Overall a forgetable, frustrating short. The one bright spot is mickey and mortimer’s cars which have faces and stuff and look neat.. otherwise it was just a waste of my time and the only good thing it did was bringing Mortimer into our lives. And that ain’t nothing. 

4. Mickey Down Under (1948): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

This is a quick one.. because this one was a vacum. I mean I can at least say for Mickey’s Rival it’s interesting.. i’ts not good but it’s interesting. this is just.. Mickey farts around with a boomerang with his dog and then pisses off an ostrich. There’s not really a lot of consequence or intrest is what i’m saying. I can’t even find a good opening to make a letterkenny joke. No one got close to fucking an ostrich here. It’s telling by the fact theirs no gif’s of this one that no one cares and it baffles me this is one of the ones Disney chose to gussy up for D+ release. But still no donald messing around with a robot? 

5. The Band Concert (1935): That’s More Like It.  Okay scooting back a year we have the band concert. This is my third time watching this one and it’s a delight. Like the last one I don’t have a ton to say.. but it’s more because this one is just so good rather than because it wasted my time. It’s got a fun concept and the breakout performance from my boy donald duck as he constantly fucks with the band’s performance by either getting in their faces or hilariously pulling Flute’s out of thin heir. I miss that gimmick for donald, his love of pulling objects out of the either via magic and shenanigans. They should bring it back. Also his shenanigans remind me of opus and that’s never a bad thing. 

Also Horace takes off his shirt. For the Ladies. A Classic for good reason. 

6. On Ice (1935): Donald is a Bastard Man Another great one from the same year. This time around we have what i’ve come to call a Mickey and the Gang Messaround. This is back when Donald and Goofy were supporting characters, so generally each of the big three do something, usually coming together for the climax.  In this case Mickey tries to help Minnie with her skating, with him adorably following her around with a pillow before showing off for her, just really sweet stuff. Goofy’s bit is hilariously dumb, as fitting my boy, as he feeds fish tobaco to get them to spit into a spitoon, and tries to club them, with predictable results. While not the most enivrionmentally friendly just the sheer oddness, the fact it sort of works minus him actually clubbing them, and one of hte fish smacking him in the face all make it work.  The only bit that reallyd osen’t is Donald and pluto... it was present a bit before but here illustrates why I really dread Pluto based shorts. While I don’t hate the dog, he’s a dog I love dogs, most of the gags in his old shorts, and even up to mouseworks are him either being blamed for shit that’s not his fault, a pet peve of mine, or being tourtured in some way...

But dosen’t work at all now. He puts the poor dog on skates and then laughs at him and even sings a song mocking the poor dog, before justifably nearly ending up going over a watterfall, then ending up clubbed in the head. Good. I love donald but good god is he unsympathetic here.. and for some reason they teamed the two up again for more shorts! Why. It’s why I don’t get why Pluto was the star of his own shorts: if this is all they had.. why do it? Was the 30′s, 40′s and 50′s equilvent of a micheal bay audience really that into dog abuse?  So yeah otherwise a good short but that segment drags it down. not Donald’s best work. 

7. Clock Cleaners(1937): This is a Great One Not much to say on this one. It’s pretty good, has some fun set pieces, and some great jokes from all three characters. Mickey deals with a seagull, donald effs with a main spring and Goofy fights some statues. All good clean fun. My lack of brevity is more because I don’t have any jokes rather than this genuinely being bad. It’s pretty good. 

8.. Mickey and the Seal(1948): More Pluto Torture Porn! 

This one’s more of a mixed bag. On the one hand, it is really cute, as a young seal ends up going home with mickey after he visits the zoo to feed them fish. On the other hand.. it’s mostly Pluto chasing after the seal, Mickey being kind of a dick to pluto and not getting he clearly saw SOMETHING in his house, and then teasing him at the end despite him having been right. That being said the ending, with the seal brining back all it’s buddies to mickey’s house, is fricking amazing. ALso the seals in this unvierse who aren’t antrho can speak. That.. that raises a lot of questions I don’t think disney can answer. 

9. Ye Olden Days (1933): Jaunty Dueling Music Now this.. this was a fun one. Mickey and Minnie head to Medivil times, proving that the current shorts tendency to jaunt to various settings isn’t a new thing, and it’ sjust a much of a fun change up here as it was there. Mickey, a wondering minstral, ends up trying to rescue Minnie after her father throws her in a dungeon for not wanting to marry Prince Dippy Dog, who hopes she can learn to love him. I can’t tell if he’s genuine or a dick here. But it’s fun, especially the part where, after Minnie declares she loves mickey which.. it’s been a few hours slow down, they decide on a duel and thus sing some ragtime, 1930′s getting ready for duel music that’s just catchy. if X Of Swords ever gets a movie, I want to use this song. Just.. really good stuff. A fun short with some great gag,s a great concept, and my boy goofy as the villian. What’s not to like? Alright one more. 

10. MIckey’s BIrthday Party (1942): Big Chicken Breasts We end on another all together now, Mickey and the Gang Messaround that was a great note to end on. I did watch another short, Pluto’s Birthday party.. but it was both more of a Pluto short and more Pluto torture nonsense, so yeah, skipping that one, as I ended up one short of my 12 goal because I can’t count, apparently. So Mickey gets 10, but this one’s a good note to go out on. 

Minnie throws a suprise party for mickey which almost turns into a live sex celebration as Mickey clearly is a wee bit horny going in. But it turns into a fun dance party, with Donald throwing out razzes like a good buddy, Goofy making a cake, and some fun gags with a piano they all bought him. It’s a really good short. That’s the problem with Mickey Shorts and doing all D+ ones: There just isn’t the weirdly offensive stuff to talk about there is. He’s not a bad character, but there’s a reason in every short that features all three, Donald and Goofy easily outshine him. Mickey’s not a bad character, but when not in trickster mode, there just isn’t a lot for him to do. It’s why the comics reinvented him, much like they did for donald, into a plucky detective/reporter who reguarly sovles crimes. He’s not bad, and as seen with Ye Olden Days and Thru the Miror, his blank slateness cna be put to good effect and house of mouse gave him more of a personality, but here he’s just the bland good guy to Donald’s loveable scmap and goofy’s loveable dumbass. It’s an issue comedy has to this day: having a lead whose just.. not as intresting as the rest of the ensemble.  There is weirdness to note, as Donald dances with Clara Cluck> That’s not the weird part, he and daisy took a while to be etched in stone. The weird parts are 1. Donald wearing a sombrero and smoking a cigar, and 2. Clara’s MASSIVE boobs.. yes really. Clara Cuck has giant breasts. Like actual boobs that sway around while she dances with donald. it’s.. bizzare. Not terrible, who doesn’t like big chicken boobs but just.. really really weird to see ina  Disney cartoon.But yeah it’s jus ta fun note to end on. 

And that was MIckey’s Birthday special. I enjoyed it even if I had less to say than I thought. If you liked this review, you can comission your own for five bucks, just hit up my pms or my discord , avaliable on request. You can check out my ohter disney reviews in the disney tab on my blog and until next time, ther’es always another rainbow. 

[astraltrain]

i realize i haven't talked about gorillaz hcs on here in a Fat Second so here i go. trigger warnings for uhhh abuse, trauma, suicide mention, alcohol mention, death mention, experimentation (for noodle) - this is gorillaz there's a lot. this is also SUPER LONG so i'll try and add a read more

every one of em has Trauma To The Max babey!!!! these guys have been to hell and back!!! literally in murdoc's case

cyborg could talk! she just chose not to. also murdoc realized programming her with a voice was annoying because she Looked like noodle but he couldn't make her sound exactly like her and it pissed him off. every word cyborg learned was through murdoc/2D/the book of man/various other scrap pieces of paper she found

russel n del were boyfs. fuck you

2D is the only straight member. i think this is canon actually ngl (was it ever made canon that russel n del were together?? i don't remember)

russel truly believes del was his soulmate and that he'll never find love again

every year on the anniversary of d-day 2D goes back to the place where the uncle norm's organ emporium was (which is now a greggs. i know my gorillaz lore) and just vibes for a bit

russel likes to visit graveyards and play music for the lonely spirits who don't get visitors

2D accompanied him once on one of these trips and it was wild cause 2D's like "russel russel russel are there any spirits near me" as like. all of the spirits huddle next to russel because 2D is loud and annoying. russel's like "oh yeah dee there's tons of spirits over there they really like you. why don't you sing for them" and dee's like :DD

2D is generally pretty oblivious. but. he noticed russel was really sad and missing del during phase two and wrote mr softy's balloon race to cheer him up. it was one of the nicest things russel had received in years and he cried over it for hours. what 2D Didn't know was that he'd just saved russel's life and he didn't even know it.

noodle as a ten year old didn't realize How Bad the relationship between murdoc and 2D was. obviously she'd had a really fucked up childhood so far so when murdoc would hurt 2D and 2D would laugh and play it off so as not to scare noodle, noodle was just like :DDD thinking it was all ok

it was during the time that noodle was alone in phase two after remembering her past that she was like. o h n o that was bad wasn't it

noodle met a girl in japan and lowkey fell in love with her, but they had to split so noodle could go back to kong. she wrote every planet we reach is dead for her

2D and noodle never got to properly reunite in phase three. by the time doyathing happened, 2D hadn't seen her in like seven years

murdoc is trying to be less of a terrible person now and all the other members take advantage of it. russel's like "can i get a coffee please murdoc" and murdoc goes "fuck off" but all russel has to say is "remember when you thought i'd offed myself so you replaced me with a drum machine" and murdoc's like. "how many sugars" dhdgdgdh

noodle n 2D fucking love to dance together like absolute nerds

2D is like. the awkward big brother

they are each others wingmen when picking up girls

except 2D doesn't do that as much anymore so in reality he tries to be noodle's wingman but it fails miserably because 2D Can't Do Social Interaction

the boogieman and the evangelist were murdoc's parents

all the band have really bad insomnia and nightmares so sometimes they all have sleepovers in one room and just. watch a movie and sit on their phones but they're in each other's company and that's all they need

they all have a fear of helicopters, especially noodle

russel became extremely claustrophobic after his time in north korea which was very understandable

all of them have pretty weird triggers but none of them question them. noodle starts freaking out cause 2D's eating bacon and he's like "o shit sorry i'll go to another room" they're all very respectful and it's great

the reason 2D had that bead curtain door in phase four was cause after plastic beach, he couldn't stand to be in rooms with closed doors anymore

also! more 2D angst! he didn't sing for like. a good couple years after plastic beach because Trauma Babey!! so when he had to sing again for humanz, the first time he got into the studio he just. had a complete fucking meltdown because he was so scared to sing again. eventually he managed it but he literally couldn't sing with murdoc around because he was so afraid of him

noodle sometimes does really childish stuff because obviously she had no fucking childhood and the others just let her go for it and support her if she gets embarrassed about it

noodle has killed people. lots of em. some against her will as a kid, some more recently. she has a lot of nightmares about it but unlike the rest of the band, she does Really good self care and looks after herself really well

the band sometimes go on spontaneous road trips and usually end up getting lost and taking aesthetic pictures at gas stations

noodle very rarely cries because she would have gotten into trouble for that as a kid so she bottles all her emotions up in favour of helping her family. when she started going to therapy she pretended all was well for a little while but that didn't work for very long and she completely broke down. russel was very surprised to see noodle come home that day in tears and just throw herself into his arms

noodle really likes fashion and clothes and makeup!! she likes to be Colourful and Bright

when she first arrived at kong at ten years old, she really didn't understand what was going on. none of the band spoke any japanese so she was under the impression that these people were new doctors who were going to train/test on her. she stuck to the routine she was given back in japan and was very surprised when the others didn't do the same. like small green man it's three in the afternoon why are you just up?? big bald man why are you just going to bed??? where is the tall blue man WHAT IS GOING ON

none of the band members were qualified to be parents. at all. they were all very messed up mentally and therefore noodle just kinda did what she wanted as a kid

noodle was exposed to a lot of bad shit while in kong. 2D and murdoc were not responsible at all about what they did and said around noodle so russel tried to be more responsible about that, but little noodle's just like "oh don't worry i've seen worse" and russel's like ?????

noodle was the one to rebuild cyborg out of the parts she had left from plastic beach. she did this while murdoc was in prison just to prove she could

2D has an extreme fear of cyborg, which is. obvious

noodle didn't tell 2D she was rebuilding cyborg. when he finds out he flips his shit and noodle's like. ah. maybe this was not a great idea

cyborg has now formed her own band! the rejects!

2D wears little bobby pins in his hair behind his ear which the band sometimes lowkey makes fun of him for until one day noodle asks why and he tells her it was because back on plastic beach, murdoc would sometimes be too drunk to remember to bring 2D food so he had to pick the lock and go steal some. so Yikes babey!!!!!!

writing the fall was the only thing that helped 2D cope during plastic beach. that's why there was barely any singing on it - this was HIS album, HIS voice, not murdoc's. he could do what he wanted with it. writing it was the only thing that kept him sane

noodle's the only member who hasn't tried to off herself at any point oop

they're all doing a lot better now cause they're all going to therapy yes even murdoc! yay fun happy times

russel taught noodle english and in return noodle taught him japanese. russel can now speak pretty good japanese and 2D knows like. the most basic of shit *flashbacks to the gshock interview video*

there was a while where noodle believed that literally all she was for was other people. that she was either a weapon or a guitarist and nothing more. it was only after she disappeared after phase two that she realized she could be more

she still has a scar from el mañana but she covers it up with makeup

2D and murdoc have made a pact to smoke/drink less, respectively. they also made what they called a "non suicide pact" - a pact not to off themselves, formed after 2D found murdoc shooting bullets into the ceiling in phase four

murdoc knew about the dartboard 2D had in his room that had his face on it because noodle and russel told him but he didn't really believe it until he went up into his room like "hey dents can i -" and 2D turns round and just stares at him, darts in hand fhgvhfhvf

murdoc: ....whatya doin' there dents

2D, turning back to the dartboard and throwing one straight into dartboard murdoc's eye: practicing for the real thing

hcvdhvdfhg anyway

sometimes 2D literally Cannot be around murdoc so he'll disappear for days without telling anyone cause he forgets that people worry about him oh no

murdoc says he wants to drink less alcohol cause he wants to better himself as a person but really it's because he can't drink without getting flashbacks to plastic beach

murdoc's memories of plastic beach aren't great. he was drunk out his mind most of the time so he luckily forgot a lot that comes back to haunt him in nightmares and has him waking up thinking "fuck did i really do that??" but yeah sometimes 2D just reminds him of something really awful he did and murdoc's like. a h

when ace came into gorillaz he was absolutely doing it for the paycheck. then he realized how Enormously Fucked Up these people were and was like o h n o

ace could not understand a word of 2D's english accent

ace once asked 2D why he was called that. 2D said "well my real name is stuart but murdoc calls me 2D and it stuck" and ace goes!!! that's bullshit!!! and he starts calling him stuart. he refuses to call him 2D. 2D gets so emotional over it he starts crying and ace is like "s h i t what do i do did i fuck up" but in reality dee's just glad to like. not be "2D" for once and to just be someone else

murdoc and 2D are heavily codependent on each other and it's extremely unhealthy cause obviously they're Really Bad For Each Other but. 2D's known murdoc since he was 19 and murdoc has never really left his life except for the one point before and after plastic beach. that's why when murdoc goes to prison in phase five, 2D just goes apeshit. because now 2D doesn't have the threat of murdoc constantly hanging over his head!! he's gone and 2D is free!!!! yay!!!!!!!

then he's like. o h. he's gone and i'm free. oh no

because he has no clue what to do with himself now!! his whole life revolved around murdoc and now murdoc is gone 2D's realizing "Oh No maybe our relationship WAS really unhealthy if i'm feeling this depressed now that he's gone!!!"

the now now was like. the fall part two: electric boogaloo in terms of how 2D wrote it to cope with his trauma

souk eye was like a really depressing love song

2D's lowkey a little in love with murdoc but not really in the romantic sense at all. and obviously it's not cute or reciprocated by murdoc or anything 2d.c shippers dni blease

he just. feels like murdoc's the only one who could ever love him and UGH it's so unhealthy. luckily noodle makes him go to therapy and he gets a bit better. by the time the end of phase five rolls around 2D's like >:D yeah!! i won't let you hurt me anymore murdoc!!!

then murdoc actually escapes and is rumored to be dead and the whole band just shuts down

because murdoc, like it or not (and none of them liked it), was the glue that held the band together. and fuck if it didn't fucking destroy them all a little bit, especially 2D

then murdoc showed up at their door and. 2D was the one to answer it without knowing it was murdoc. and there's noodle and also murdoc, still in his prison clothes, covered in literal shit, and the first thing he blurts out is "i listened to the album."

2D panics and slams the door in his face HCDGHGCDH

russel refuses to let murdoc inside unless he can give him one good reason to. noodle comes in through the back door and comforts her brother while he has a panic attack and murdoc's just. sitting at the door pouring his heart out to russel through the door. covered in shit. these guys need help man

eventually 2D and murdoc face each other again and oh lord. they're both crying and then murdoc apologizes and murdoc's never apologized for anything, ever, he never says he's sorry, and then they're hugging and noodle and russel are like !!!!!!!

meanwhile ace is like. can i get my paycheck. can i PLEASE get my paycheck

murdoc: here dents i got you a demon possessed yak. her name is madonna

ace, who's spent many a night listening to 2D cry and vent about murdoc and all he's done to him: surely he's not just gonna accept that and move on

russel and noodle, who know 2D far too well: oh he will. trust me he will

long story short 2D is now the proud father of a demon possessed yak named madonna

song machine is kind of like. their Big Project that they're putting together to try and bring them all closer as a family. it's kind of working but also not really. they're trying their best

they're all a good family and they have to stick together and they're messed up but they love each other!!!! that is all thank you and goodnight ladies and gentlemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[infjabberwocky]

imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[bo0zey]

Pick your favorite questions from the list.

i will do them all for u 0.o

1. Name cianna [see-ah-nah]

2. Nationality mexican irish german romanian hungarian french

3. Age 20

4. Birthday december 17, 1999

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) sun: sagittarius; ascendant: leo; moon: aries

6. Gender female

7. Sexuality uhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but i will willingly kiss either gender

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) /tagged/my-face or u could just google pictures of fat rats

9. What do you/did you study? I’m currently a sophomore nursing major!

10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I’m currently a microbiology TA and I love it :) My dream job would be something with animals, like a vet tech or veterinarian

11. Your birth order i’m the oldest!

12. How many siblings do you have? 2 younger brothers

13. Do you have good relations with your family? my mom was my best friend, my dad and i get along better now that i’m in college, my brothers and i get along pretty well & we’re staring to get closer now that they’re getting older n growing up n developing their own personalities lol

14. How many friends do you have? errrr idk this is a hard question. i have a lot of acquaintances but i’d say i have maybe like less than 10 real friends??

15. Your relationship status single :D

16. What do you look for in a SO? funny!!!!!!!!!must be humorous!!!!and sarcastic and a little weird w darker sense of humor so we can laugh n be dumb together!!!!!!! also i would like them to be kind to me and those around them bc mean ppl suck. also they have to like animals. also i would like them to be loyal and trustworthy and 110% in love w me. and for physical stuff idk kinda attractive but NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE like i personally don't really like the typically ‘attractive’ person??? 

17. Do you have a crush? currently in love w the cute chinese boy who lives across from my dorm room even tho i have never even spoken to him n he is totally unaware of my existence!!!!!!!! hahah oops :D

18. When did you have your first kiss? i mean technically 3rd grade i think but that doesn't really count so like maybe 16????

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? i mean in the long term i would definitely like to have a serious relationship but at the moment i’m only into casual stuff bc my heart isn't ready to be broken again sknfkjdbnkjd

20. What are your deal breakers? errrr i’m not sure....cheating is a no no, ppl that are interested in fucking every single person they see is a turn off, DUMB PEOPLE like ppl you can't even have a proper conversation with bc they're so DUMB, and ppl who r mean/judgmental/arrogant

21. How was your day? ok! accidentally slept thru my math class but caught a glimpse of my crush across campus when he was abt to smoke a cig and i got chipotle n i online shopped a ton from shein

22. Favourite food & drink deep dish spinach pizza from giordano’s & orange vitamin water

23. What position do you sleep in? i fall asleep on my left side hugging a body pillow

24. What was your last dream about? ate a braid of hair and inside the braid was bacon

25. Your fears not going to make it thru nursing school, not being financially stable as an adult, not having a family of my own, probably more but those r currently top 3

26. Your dreams i don't have any idk....maybe having like a house of my own and having as many animals as i want?? and i would like a loving partner with a daughter of our own

27. Your goals survive nursing school and lose 40 pounds and don't die before my cat

28. Any pets? i have a dog named cherry Cola, a cat named Leto, and a betta fish named Perc

29. What are your hobbies? writing stories about people in love, listening to music

30. Any cool places in your area? in my college town??? NO it sucks. in my hometown??? Not really it’s a small lil village with only restaurants and parks. but at home i’m near downtown chicago so that’s cool i guess

31. What was your last awkward situation? the first thing that comes to mind is my FIRST and so far ONLY encounter with my crush. we live in the same dorm building and i was wearing my nursing scrubs and had no make up on and about to go upstairs to my dorm, and then i heard footsteps and i was like ‘hahaha what if its my crush’ AND THEN HE FUCKIGJNG appeared from down the hallway to go back to HIS DORM [which is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MINE] and i literally STARED at him, then threw open the door and RAN UP THE STAIRS LIKE I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME AND HE WAS LIKE SO CLOSE BEHIND ME I WAS JUST SO NERVOUS MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE TOOK OVER AND I FUCKING FLED I LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM HIM I AHTE MYSELF SO MUCH IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!

32. What is your last regret? errrrr idk i regret a lot of dumb things.......

33. Language/s you can speak English n a LITTLE bit of Spanish

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) i’m really into zodiac stuff and i have got to say they are pretty spot on in accuracy idk

35. Have any quirks? ummmm ofc!!i am the quirkiest person i know hajnjfxbkjx like if u asked my roommates/friends they’d probably be better at answering this than me bc i don't see anything abt me as quirky but they always tell me i am quirky and do weird things but idk man I'm just existing 

36. Your pet peeves err idk currently its ppl that constantly brag about dumb shit

37. Ideal vacation somewhere warm with me + the ocean + the loml + unlimited alcohol

38. Any scars? yeah :D both emotional AND physical!!!!

39. What does your last text message say? ‘ok thats a more than fair statement’

40. Last 5 things from your search history how many carbs should i eat, chipotle bowl calories, is the grim reaper the angel of death, ceftriaxone adverse effects, red man syndrome

41. What's your [device] background? lockscreen is a peach-theme background i made and home screen is my weight loss goals

42. What do you daydream about? the characters in my stories.................and being skinny 

43. Describe your dream home pretty brick house??? flowers outside??? 3 floors--main floor, basement and upstairs??? 3 bedrooms n 3 bathrooms maybe??? master bedroom has its own bathroom!!! and open concept main floor. big kitchen and very homey n warm all around. as for like an apartment i want something cozy and aesthetically pleasing and warm 

44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion i don't have a religion but if ppl do have a religion then thats not my business

45. Your personality type entj but only bc i got 3% extraverted; i am very closely related to intj tho n i think i fit that one better

46. The most dangerous thing you've done uhhhhhh probably operating a vehicle while high out of my mind. definitely the dumbest thing i ever did 0/10 would recommend anyone ever doing that

47. Are you happy with your current life? its ok but it could probably be better. i want to be done w college and skip to the part where i have a successful career and my own home and i can lay up w the loml every night

48. Some things you've tried in your life alcohol???weed??gummy edibles....

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? sweaters/sweatshirts/leggings

50. Favourite colour to wear? black, maroon, peach, purple, gray, idk

51. How would you describe your style? oh jeez idk i wear whatever i want so like e-girl when i really try and basic white girl when i don't care

52. Are you happy with your current looks? no i hate everything about myself lol

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? more freckles on my face....also be thinner n have longer hair

54. Any tattoos or piercings? my nose and septum are pierced!

55. Do you get complimented often? kinda by my friends but i always yell at them to stop so they don't compliment like as much bc they know i hate it but they still do it sometimes idk

56. Favourite aesthetic? i wanna be an e-girl yo!!!!!!!!! 

57. A popular trend that you dislike nobody has a crush on me and i hate it

58. Songs you're currently obsessed with? pied piper by BTS

59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like. anything by BTS lol i used to like be embarrassed for how much i like k pop but now i don't really care lol #stanBTS2020

60. Favourite genre? rap/r n b/alternative

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? i listen to every genre except country sooooooo yeah i really like billie eilish, BTS, the weeknd, juicewrld, lil nas x, trippie red, post malone,

62. Hated popular songs/artists? i don't rlly like selena gomez or justin bieber or taylor swift

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 only - RY X i.f.l.y. - Bazzi novacane - frank ocean jungle - drake bang! - trippie redd

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? no and no

65. Do you like karaoke? no but i like to sing along to songs when I'm alone

66. Own any albums? haha noooo i got apple music son

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? errr RARELY i used to listen to r n b stations tho

68. Favourite movie/series? idk donnie darko?? i also just finished tharntype n that was really good. also i liked tokyo ghoul. AND GIVEN IS REALLY GOOD

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc i like horror/scary/paranormal/funny movies and i like love stories in books

70. Your fictional crush/es danny phantom, ken kaneki

71. Which fictional character is you? uhhhh idk...

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so frerard, ryden, taekook, mewgulf

73. Favourite greek god? idk they all kinda suck but maybe hades

74. A legend from where you live that you like i don't really know any:(

75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist? i like to look at art! i think van gogh is cool

76. Can you share your other social media? ig: ciannnna venmo: ciannnna

77. Favourite youtubers? i don't really watch youtubers but maybe shane dawson and emma chamberlain

78. Favourite platform? twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much time

80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite? i once played GTA5 that was fun!

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) idk i don't really read anymore:/ i was into the hunger games and the twilight series when i was young. now i kinda read online manga and i really liked BJ Alex and killing stalking. and like for online books the unholyverse series, a splitting of the mind, the anatomy of a fall

82. Do you play board/card games? no but i like to play checkers and uno and cards against humanity

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? nopee

84. Favourite holiday halloween is cool also christmas is alright bc gifts

85. Are you into dramas? i’ve been getting into thai boys love dramas lol sue me

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? um YES.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? everyone needs to be a little kinder and have a crush on me

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? absolutely not I'm not physically fit and don't have useful skills

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? vampire duh [or maybe ghost]

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? i want to see my mom

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? idk something cool ... i love the name Daisy

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? idk probably kylie jenner

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo idk the alien? 94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true -im very productive with my time management skills -my favorite color is purple -i don't get nervous when I'm alone in public

95. Cold or hot? cold

96. Be a hero or be a villain? anti-hero

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? sing if i’m good at it but if I'm not good then rhyme

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?immortal

100. ..... or .....? ......?

[myshittybrainwontshutup]

I had a dream where I was wandering in the woods and I found some weird abandoned facility. The Dream Works logo was painted on the side and the door was open, so I just sauntered inside. There were tons of big, drab concrete rooms all full of toppled over desks. Giant pillars held up the ceiling and plunged down into the earth. I thought that this place would be a magnet for graffiti artists, or just delinquent teens in general, but this place looked untouched by everything except me. There wasn’t even rat poop or cockroaches to point to a sign of life. Like the dumbass I am, I started walking down the staircase that wrapped around one of the concrete pillars. On the forth or so level down it stopped being the same old rooms full of desks and started being bedrooms and showers. There were literally hundreds of bunk beds, all with the same cheap white sheets. I investigated the bathrooms and found that the showers still worked and even better, they still had hot water. I guessed this place had an independent generator and the dim ceiling lights supported my hypothesis.

I decided I needed a shower and scrubbed down, then wandered over to one of the beds for a nap. (Yeah, sleeping in your dream is kind of weird, but I do it rather routinely. I guess I’m just that tired.)

My thought process for using the beds is that they may be dusty, but I hadn’t seen any evidence of any other life, so bedbugs were unlikely.

After I woke up I pulled on my clothes, which I vividly remember being a burnt orange tank top patterned with tiny carrots, high waisted jorts and my three-sizes-too-big black jacket.

I kept going all the way down to the bottom level where I was confused to hear talking. I crept around the corner and saw this old dude in a lab coat and these two blond collage age girls drawing a circle on the ground. The amount of sigils inside the circle made me think that this couldn’t be anything good, but before I could really do anything about it one of the girls spotted me. She shouted, “Hey!” and pointed at me. I didn’t waste any time getting the hell out of dodge, and I heard the old dude yell, “Stop them! No one must know!”

The two girls started chasing me. Because I don’t ever skip leg day, not even in my dreams, I made it up the stairs before they could. I made it through the door and almost made it back to the woods, but instead of going forward and disappearing into the flora I was suddenly going up. Out of freaking no where, I was caught in a tractor beam and being towed up into a space ship. I didn’t get to see if the girls had seen me getting abducted, but my prior circumstances were quickly ripped out of my head as I was blasted with water. Even though I’d just taken a shower I guess I was too dusty for these aliens to handle. I was “disinfected” and my wet clothes were confiscated and replaced with a very unflattering blue-gray jumpsuit. These particular aliens were very octopus like, but slightly taller than humans and their version of an invasion force was capitalism.

Instead of being forced into hard labor I was forced into a job that is actually hell to me. An “internship” as they called it, where I had hours of paperwork to do. Paperwork is a punishment worse than hell to me, so I did the absolute minimum effort I could get away with. I was set up at a station with three other people. One was Merida from Brave, one was Miles from into the spider verse and one was Stanford from gravity falls. I didn’t let on that I knew them, but I did become pretty close with them. While we were just doing paperwork together time was sped up, but as soon as we were called out to test a new piece of tech that the squid aliens had invented time resumed its normal pace. We were brought out to this floating asteroid that seemed to have an atmosphere that I guess was their testing site. One squid alien on a three piece suit came along to supervise us. The thing we were supposed to test was a Portal esc wormhole gun. I had to keep from laughing my ass off for reasons that will become apparent later. The squid fired it off, setting of each side of the portal in mid air about twenty feet apart, gave Merida a rope and instructed her to walk trough it. Reluctantly she agreed and walked through. The portal didn’t immediately close or collapse as she entered and she wasn’t lost in some in-between place, so the squid was ecstatic. However, Merida and the squid pulling on the rope was apparently enough to rip a hole in space and time. The rip started to drag Merida and the squid in, but Miles, Ford and I were standing far enough away. Miles managed to pull Merida out of range of the rip’s suction, but the squid fell into the gaping black maw. It was growing larger by the second and I knew we would be consumed before long unless I did something.

One of my recurring powers in my dreams is that I can open my own portals, in addition to some others. I turned around and opened my own portal back to the woods I was wandering earlier and had everyone run through. I closed it off as soon as we were all through. We landed on a dirt road that was at least sixty percent mud. It must’ve rained since I was abducted.

Ford immediately turned to me, his eyes wide.

“How did you do that?!” He demanded. I shrugged.

“I just... can?” I said. I actually have a reason, but I didn’t feel like telling him. I opened another portal to the room where our stuff was being kept on the ship and let it just fall through into my arms. We each headed into the woods to suit up in our normal clothes, though Merida forwent a dress for jeans and a tee shirt. We started walking down the road as quite the marry band until we found a homestead. No electricity, no generator, just one small shack and the sound of a lot of voices. Out back was a pigsty and it looked like this place hadn’t been up kept in years. The others wanted to take the stealthy approach, but I just kicked in the front door. There were a bunch of middle aged men sitting around drinking, about fifteen children ages nine to four and six toddlers, all huddling together in the corner around the one teenager who seemed to be about sixteen. Most of them didn’t have clothes any more sophisticated than a potato sack, and all of them had bruises. The teenage girl had a black eye. Cold rage bubbled up within me. I have very strong opinions about how children should be treated, namely, they should be treated with dignity and respect, no matter what age they are and no one ever has the right to hurt them. Something told me that there used to be more older women, but they’d died due to either violence or childbirth.

The biggest beefiest guy stood up and demanded to know who I was and what I wanted. I could tell he wasn’t seeing me as a threat due to my appearance. I mean, I’m exactly five feet tall, very feminine and not exactly buff. I demanded to fight him for the children and he laughed. Until I summoned my weapon. In my dreams I also can summon quite the arsenal. This time, I summoned my whip made of razor wire and cracked it right across his face. He immediately grabbed a huge black iron sword off the table and rushed me. I sidestepped out of the front door and cracked my whip again. It happened extremely fast so I’m not sure on the specifics of the fight, but I do know it ended with my whip wrapping around his throat. One quick tug and his head was on the ground as his body slumped to the side. All the other men, enraged that I’d killed their buddy grabbed their own swords. My whip is an awesome weapon, but it’s only good against one opponent. I tossed it aside and it burst into glitter, just before I summoned my sword.

I really like my sword. It’s a short Damascus steel blade with a gold gilded hilt and a ruby pommel. I’ve been using it for a really long time and I’ve gotten really skilled with it.

These guys clearly didn’t expect me to hold my own against all of them, but in combination with my portal magic I’m a formidable fighter in my dreams. For some odd reason the thing that ended the fight was a misstep from one of the men that lead to me accidentally chopping off the toe of his boot and the toe of his foot. He fell to the ground crying and demanded that everything stop. They agreed to leave and wandered back down the road, carrying their now toeless friend.

I went inside and found a yellow construction paper crown sitting on the table. I picked it up, put it on my head and muttered, “I’m the king.” With a big fat smile. I was mobbed by the little boys that demanded I teach them how to sword fight, the sixteen year old thanked me for getting rid of the people who hurt her, Merida asked where I learned to fight like that. Everyone else hung on the sidelines, not exactly liking that I’d just straight up killed and maimed on a whim. Ford was mostly interested in how I could summon and dismiss weapons on a whim.

“That’s not all I can do!” I grinned and stepped back outside. I told the teenager to release the pigs into the woods and told the kids to grab any items that they would want to take with them. Then with the three other interns watching, I waved my hand and an oak tree started to grow out of the ground. It grew so big that at a glance you could think it was hundreds of years old. With a snap of my fingers a massive treehouse constructed itself in the cradle of the tree’s uppermost branches. I subconsciously made it Halloween themed because it’s my favorite holiday. There were leaf streamers and grinning jack-o’-lanterns all over the place. One more wave of my hand and it was fully stocked with food and clothes and solar panels for its own electricity. I instructed the kids to climb up. The bigger kids carried the toddlers up. After we were all on board I snapped again and the tree started moving, walking along on its roots. I headed up into the main dining room and tried to add a little more decor, but it wouldn’t work. The plate of Halloween themed sugar cookies started laughing at me.

“What the-“ Ford started.

“I’m loosing control. I’m waking up.” I interrupted.

“What? Waking up?” Ford asked. I pulled him in with an arm around the shoulders.

“Listen, I don’t have much more time, so you’re in charge. I may be the most powerful here, but you’re the smartest. Keep them safe.” I said and put my paper crown on his head.

And that’s when I woke up.

[cringeater]

imagine if she was on something...

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since. 

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return. 

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[stupidtwinkmac]

you asked for my full psychology notes so here they are

i rewatched the entire series and wrote down all the things i thought were relevant to the characters’ psychology, theres probably some stuff missing so message me if you think i should add anything

S1e1- “The Gang Gets Racist”

Dennis wants paddys to stay a gay bar bc he likes getting validation from gay boys

“They’re really more of a blue-green”

S1e3- “Underage Drinking: A National Concern”

Dennis talks about how popular he was in high school and cries a bit when mac and charlie tell him that tim murphy slept with his prom date which is like pretty normal but it foreshadows the high school reunion episode

-

Dee goes out with a high schooler just for the validation and to live out shit she couldn't do in high school

“Wait but ive never statutory raped anyone before”

-

Mac and charlie give high schoolers a keg bc they said that mac and charlie were cool

-

Mac gets jealous that everyone got asked to a high school prom except for him

S1e7- “Charlie Gets Molested”

Mac gets jealous that he didn't get molested

“If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?”

-

charlie got molested by his uncle

S2e4- “Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom”

Dennis gets pissed that people's moms wont fuck him

“Is everyone getting laid but me?”

S2e7- “The Gang Exploits A Miracle”

Dennis starves himself for three days because Dee said his face looked fat

S3e1- “The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby”

Dennis pretends to be a hippie just to fuck some guys girlfriend because he insulted his quaff and called him a narc

S3e2- “The Gang Gets Invincible”

Dee pretends to be a guy to try out for the eagles just to prove that she can

s3e5 - “The Aluminium Monster Vs. Fatty Magoo”

Dennis goes on a Whole Thing to prove that he’s a winner and that he hasn't peaked

“I haven't even begun to peak”,  “make it work dennis… make it work”

S3e6- “The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation”

Dee does the talent show every year to validate herself

S3e11- “Dennis Looks Like A Registered Sex Offender”

Dennis obsesses over his jawline and his weight when people tell him he looks like wendell

-

Mac’s dad gets out of jail and we can see how neglectful his parents are

S4e3- “America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest”

Dennis desperately tries to prove that he’s still hot enough to be on the billboard

“I was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David”

“I realized that i don’t need validation anymore”- proves that he was just doing the billboard stuff bc of a bpd need for validation.

S4e4- “Mac’s Banging the Waitress”

Dennis gets unreasonably upset when he finds out that Charlie doesn't think he’s his best friend

-

Mac bangs the waitress to get back at Charlie for smashing his project badass tapes

S4e5- “Mac and Charlie Die Pt 1”

Dennis gets more upset that Mac and Charlie didn't include him in their suicide pact than he is about them being “dead”

S5e2- “The Gang Hits The Road”

Charlie doesn't want to go on the road trip because he’s never left philly before, he asks dennis to comfort him about his fears of bad things happening and people being assholes, he eventually freaks out and asks the hitchhiker to drop him back off at the bar

S5e10- “The D.E.N.N.I.S System”

Dennis believes that his manipulation actually makes girls fall in love with him

S6e2- “Dennis Gets Divorced”

Charlie gets real uncomfy when uncle jack tries to hug him

S6e5- “Mac and Charlie: White Trash”

Dennis tries desperately to prove that he’s high class

S6e6- “Mac’s Mom Burns Her House Down”

Charlie’s mom has OCD and Charlie also starts to pick it up

“Why are you doing everything in threes?” “Oh. So Charlie doesn't die.”

“...just playing it safe. She's been doing it. I'm still alive. Can't be crazy” “ It does feel good to do stuff in threes.”

S6e8- “The Gang Gets a New Member”

Dee gets incredibly insecure when she opens the time capsule and hasn't done what she wanted to do when she was a kid

-

Charlie gets super insecure when he thinks smitty is replacing him

S6e10- “Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats”

Charlie doesn't like leaving the bar and going out into the world

“Dee, I go to a movie or a spaghetti place with you, and out there, I'm the rat.”

Charlie has a panic attack in a sauna

“I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?” “No, you're not, Charlie.” “ I'm a rat in here! I'm a rat! I'm trapped like a - I gotta get out of here.” “I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank, 'cause I'm trapped like a rat.” Just bash me like a rat! Bash me like a rat and get it over with!”

S6e11- “The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods”

Charlie has to be knocked out with a sack over his head to be able to go to Atlantic City

“This is why i don’t leave philly alright cause when you leave philly, bad shit happens”

-

Mac starves himself for chase utley

-

“If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die at any time very quickly by the side of the road”

S6e12- “Dee Gives Birth”

Dennis yells at a nurse about Dee’s stories like he’s a god

“I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!”

-

Dee berates guys until they have sex with her

S7e1- “Frank’s Pretty Woman”

Mac gains a ton of weight and calls it packing on mass

“I went from tiny twink to the muscle bound freak you see before you”

-

Dennis admits to starving himself and literally constantly working out

“I may look relaxed but im incredibly tense at all times”

S7e2- “The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore”

Mac knocks carlie out with chloroform to get him to the jersey shore

S7e6- “The Storm of the Century”

Dennis writes a contract for the girls he plans to invite to his rape bunker

S7e7- “Chardee Macdennis: The Game of Games

Mac says that Dee tried to kill herself

S7e10- “How Mac Got Fat”

Charlie gets overwhelmed and goes in the crevice

-

Mac blames everyone else for making him fat

-

Dennis does dumb shit because he’s self conscious about getting old and looking bad

“I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me” “what expectations?” “physical perfection”

The entire chemical peel scene is a good representation of his mental disorders

S7e12- “The High School Reunion”

Dee tries to be friends with the popular people from school to validate herself

-

Mac got bullied and dealt drugs in high school

-

Charlie got bullied in school and huffed glue in the bathroom

“Everyone wants dirtgrub i'll give them dirtgrub okay i'll get high i'll get sad people can laugh at me i hate highschool man”

S7e13- “The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang’s Revenge”

The entire golden god meltdown

“Its fetish shit i like to bind i like to be bound”

“You would just come around saying shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap and referring to all of us as your minions” “You always acted like you were better than everyone else but then you would just go and hang out with ronnie the rat or dirtgrub under the bleachers”

S8e5- “The Gang Gets Analyzed”

Dennis tries to analyze the therapist

-

Mac has some real severe mood swings

The therapist talks to him about body dysmorphia

-

Dennis giving mac “size pills”

Dennis keeps psychology profiles on everyone in the gang, he started dee’s in the 2nd grade

-

Dee’s entire “tell me i’m good” scene

S8e6- “Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer”

Dennis having trouble feeling throughout the entire episode until the “my mommy’s a skeleton” “i feel to much” scene

-

Charlie being incredibly overwhelmed the entire episode, (rubbing his head at Dr. Jinx’s, Getting real upset at church)

S8e7- “Frank’s Back in Business”

Dennis pretending to be brian lefevre

“I want you to get off with me” “This is about crawling into another man’s skin”

S8e8- “Charlie Rules the World”

The entire “I Am God” sensory deprivation tank scene

Dennis blowing himself could also be symbolic but it could also just be a bit

S9e3- “The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award”

Mac getting really defensive about slight banter “i've had tons of orgasms i've had one with your mom”

S9e5- “Mac Day”

Mac is not okay with being upstaged by country mac when he jumps off the bridge and offers people weed

“there's nothing badass about breaking the law”

S9e6- “The Gang Saves the Day”

Macs fantasy is about everyone admiring his badass karate skills and dennis crying over his dead body saying that he loves him

-

Dee’s fantasy is about killing every man in the room and finally being appreciated for her acting skills and marrying someone who doesn't call her a bird

-

Dennis’ fantasy is about surviving a bullet to the head at point blank range and killing his idea of the perfect woman

S9e7- “The Gang Gets Quarantined”

Charlie’s mom got him vaccinated way too often and made him wear bubble boy suits during flu season, Charlie also still has the suits for some reason

-

“I am in perfect control of my body, if i felt myself getting sick i would simply say SICKNESS BE GONE”

*sustains a perfect G5* “does that sound like a man who needs to be in the hospital”

S10e2- “The Gang Group Dates”

Dennis obsesses over his star rating on a dating app

“I AM A FIVE STAR MAN”

-

Dee has one night stands with a whole lot of guys that she’s not really into just to give them one star ratings

S10e3- “Psycho Pete Returns”

Dennis does a whole psychopath monologue about skin luggage

“You haven't thought of the smell you bitch”

He gets diagnosed with BPD and gets medication

S10e6- “The Gang Misses the Boat”

Dennis’ whole range rover speech

S10e8- “The Gang Goes On Family Fight”

Dennis breaks down crying because of the buzzer

-

Dee starves herself to look good for the camera

S10e10- “Ass Kickers United; Mac and Charlie Join a Cult”

Dennis tries to prove that he’s the best at manipulating people

S11e3- “The Gang Hits the Slopes”

Charlie brings up his agoraphobia shit again

“See, this is why I don't like leaving Philly, man. This is nuts.”

S11e4- “Dee Made a Smut Film”

Dennis got raped by a librarian in high school when he was 14

“I was in an older woman that’s cool right?”

S11e9- “The Gang Goes to Hell”

Dee manipulates guys into having sex with her

“So ill insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and he got a call from the sheriff”

S11e10- “The Gang Goes to Hell: Part Two”

Charlie has a panic attack about the boat sinking and dennis calms him down

“I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise. I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly! And then, you know, you guys drag me to this, you drag me to that, and next thing I know, I-I'm stuck in a box on a sinking ship!”

-

Dennis keeps onions in his pocket so that he can cry when he needs to

S12e3- “Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy”

Bonnie doing everything in threes so that charlie doesn't die

-

“I just can't enjoy it when the people being filmed, know they're being filmed”

S12e7- “PTSDee”

Charlie and dennis bonding over their trauma

-

Dee tries to ruin a guys life bc he said she was his rock bottom

S12e8- “The Gang Tends Bar”

“I have big feelings, and it hurts”

[leointhemoon-blog]

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade. 

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives. 

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian? 

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away. 

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then. 

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat. 

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet. 

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less. 

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot. 

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place. 

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today. 

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest. 

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten. 

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

[mortonyule]

When Satin left, Jon seated himself and had another look at the maps of the lands north of the Wall.

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[thedappleddragon]

ugh im big stupid and haven't been posting my shit here for a while. I've still been typing it out in my notes, I just havent transferred them onto here lol. im putting it all under the cut, don't worry

Today was pretty dang nice! I spent a little time outside because it was nice and warm out, I drew a little in my sketchbook and digitally rendered a picture of Anna’s new princess outfit, ran an errand with my mom to pick up a graphing calculator and a pack of soda, ate some Wendy’s, and did a lot of sewing for my dress! I joined the bodice lining and exterior, and did a little over half of the sewing for the skirt. I’m doing French seams so there’s no raw edges on the inside, so I still have to iron it and go over the second round of stitches. My machine malfunctioned for a moment with the thread tangling up in the lower bobbin thingy, so I left it alone for like an hour and it fixed itself lol. I’m very happy with how the bodice came out after clipping all the extra fabric in the corners and test fitting it. I think it’ll be great when it’s done!! Although I may or may not need to seam rip a little bit of the skirt to extend the zipper down so I can get it over my fuckin DUMPTRUCK when putting it on. Right now there’s enough stretch to put it on, but Idk how well that’ll stay after attaching the 2 pieces. Also it might end up making me look fat/preggo in the end with how the skirt lays lmao. I also did a really quick test fit with the sleeves, and I might actually like it better sleeveless? I’ll put one on anyway and go from there to see which I like better. HOORAY this dress has pockets!! But I may have put them a little low lol. I wanted to do a big dress debut at prom, but turns out graduates aren’t allowed due to covid restrictions :( so that really sucks. But we’re still gonna hang out a little bit beforehand, and I can still do a debut. I made a little bow out of some scrap dress fabric, which I want to put in my hair for pre-prom. I think I’ll braid my hair, maybe get some fake flowers from dollar tree and ribbon to add somehow, and put the ribbon either at the bottom or the top, wherever the hair tie eventually goes. I’m so exited to work on it more. I’m kinda running out of white thread tho so I’ll have to get more. Later in the evening i got hungry and made ramen while my dad and I watched a documentary on some of the horrible shit that went on all around the world during 2020, some of which I had forgotten about, some that was really surreal and out of a dystopian movie, and some stuff that was just upsetting to watch. It was still pretty good tho. I got work tomorrow and I’m really sleepy even tho it’s only 12:30 so I think I’m gonna grab a snack and go to sleep soon. Gnight mwah

Yesterday I worked and sewed until I ran out of thread and drew a little bit. Spent most of my shift watering flowers, then I went home and ate for a moment, then watered more and picked dead flowers and talked about avatar and other animated shows with the highschool girl I work with. Came home and hung out for a while, that evening made some good pasta. 

Today I justly hung out, then went with mom to pick up a bookshelf and went through strawtown which I thought was a very funny name for a town. There was a cute antique shop in there tho. On the way back we stopped in a sewing shop called Always in stitches. I expected it to be a very small shop, but it was SO much bigger than I thought it would be. They had tons of fabric and quilting supplies, and lots of old ladies working and talking. I picked up a cone of white thread and a fabric sample pack. Then I sewed my dress a little bit. I still have lots to do, and only like 2.5 days to do it. I’ll get there tho. All I have to do is add the skirt hem, add the pockets back in (I took them out so I could see them in normally), add sleeves and hem them, and add the zipper. And attach the skirt to the bodice. I think I’ll be able to do it. I had yogurt for the first time in forever today. Tbh I used just enough to hold together the strawberry and granola bits kgelgskgs. It was pretty good tho. I drew ELEVEN pages in my sketchbook, about 8 of them being a comic about the pony au of our royalty au. I could have done the comic with human characters but ponies are so much easier to draw aggsssdh. I spent 40 minutes typing out the dialogue and editing it on top of the rest of the comic so my friend could read it, but she still hasn’t read my text :( oh well that’s fine lol. The original plot was supposed to be Sam talking to an accidental illusion of me being mean about her blight, but then I accidentally made it something different. I might just draw the alternate ending instead. Update I just did

Yesterday I sewed and went to Menards to buy tile for moms bathroom.

Today was VERY productive, I feel like. I woke up and immediately took a shower and did laundry. I spent some one just sitting on my bed scrolling and researching while listening to medieval remixes of songs lol. At some point I went out to buy subway for everyone and stopped at dollar tree for nail polish and satin ribbon. I made the ribbon into a little choker and wanted to use it for the hem of the skirt, but I was too short. In total I spent HOURS hemming and pinning and seam ripping and ironing and sewing today, but it’s still not done. I gotta kick my ass into high gear if it’s gone be done by Sunday afternoon. I started sewing the bottom hem, but my machine has been doing this weird thing where the fabric scrunches up right past the sewing foot and leaves wrinkles and gathers so loose I can move it around with my hands easily. I think it’s just my tension being too tight or something, I adjusted it a bit and I’ll test it in the morning. I’m too tired and it’s too late at night to be doing that much sewing. I seam ripped the entire back skirt seam so I could extend the zipper a little further down, and I’ll sew it back up once the hem is done. After that all I need to donis connect the skirt to the bocice, fix the zipper, and hem the arm holes. I don’t want to use the sleeves I made because the edges don’t line up at all and I don’t think I would be able to lift my arms, the way it’s built. The nail polish I picked up works way better than I thought it would, leaving a pretty good metallic sheen after just one coat. Way better than I thought for a dollar. I helped mom lay down tile a little bit, ripping up one old tile and helping a bit at a time throughout the day. I kept asking if she wanted help with the actual tiling part but she said no. We also couldn’t get the fuckin box cutter I bought to work. It’s supposed to be easy to replace the blade, but we couldn’t figure it out lol. I’m falling asleep fun. Washed my face twice, trying to take good care of myself before prom so I look good in photos. Gotta wash hair tomorrow. Made hamburger meat

Spent all day sewing and listening to bardcore remixes. Dress is as done as I bother to make it rn

Tbh I was hoping for a little more for today. I’ve spent the last like week or longer working towards this, and going especially in depth the past 3 days. I got all silky smooth, worked for hours on my dress, thought about pretty much nothing except prom day. I was late because my dad had my neighbor come over to take pictures of me in my dress. I thought it was just going to be her holding my dad’s phone to get a picture of us together, but she brought her whole ass professional camera and spent several minutes taking pictures. Then I took the weirdest way possible to get to my friend’s house on accident because google maps said it was the fastest way to get there. But HEY when I did get there I enjoyed hanging out with my friends. We ate some dinner AND??? Sammie I’m sorry if you’re reading this but THE MASHED POTATOES?? WERE S O BLAND????? AFAJSTSTHJST ily but girl. Just a little salt could have gone a long way <3 the steak and especially the green bean casserole were good tho :) dinner was good with the sparkling juice and little desert. Overall everything was just very loud, but that’s to be expected when this is everyone’s first time seeing each other in a goddamn while: actually I think they’ve all seen each other at school without me but hey whatever. I think I fucked up my phone screen on accident by sitting on it while it was in my pocket with my keys, leaving a spiderweb crack in it. I checked and yeah it’s not just the screen protector :( eh I don’t care that much, It didn’t fuck up the lcd screen or anything. We went up to Sam’s room and hung out and talked while she did Liz’s makeup and took pictures, and I borrowed a little of her concealer before photos. There was a little photo shoot in their front yard, and looking at the photos I look a little fat in them but I LOVE all the photos taken in Sam’s room where we were all just hanging out. Idk why but whenever you have to do photos and they say to do a silly one, it never turns out good, but the fun ones you casually take always turn out way better. They’re more genuine :) but then it was time for everyone to go to prom and for me to go home 😔 we only hung out for like an hour and a half. I didn’t want to take off my dress, seeing as I put in so much effort to sew the whole dress and shave and look pretty, so I wore it around the house for a bit until I got tired and went to lay in bed. I watched the mitchels vs the machines, which is a fuckin DELIGHTFUL movie!! Everybody go watch it it’s so cute <3 I also played some Pokémon and watched a little YouTube in bed, but feeling unfulfilled and wanting to do something different, I just didn’t know what. So instead I started typing this up as my sister brought me a cupcake from prom :) I had a bite and put the rest in the fridge, since it was so big and in a plastic container. I texted a friend over Snapchat asking if they had fun at prom, and they said it was kinda ass. I tried relating and saying yeah all school dances are a little ass, and my friend group once had anti prom and played dnd instead, but they just said ‘that’s nice’ back and idk if that means they’re annoyed at me or they’re just tired and didn’t wanna text or what but :( idk. Either way it’s fine, right now all I care about is going to bed. Gnight I guess. Also I keep thinking about that textpost that’s like “diary of icarly” and she talks in these simple-ass sentences and now I feel self conscious about how I write these snafnfs. I already know I write like a child in these, but that’s just because I don’t wanna go through the effort of making this sound nice and professional every day lmao. So child writing it is. Also painted my nails really horribly and it took forever to clean up which made me late

Woke up, went to work, spent a little time stocking, watered indoor plants, then attempting to work the register, and organized plants the rest of the time. I stood behind one of my coworkers as she checked people out, kind of understanding what she was doing but not that much, and read the manual in down periods. She had me check out a couple people, and it was NERVE WRACKING AS HELL. Thankfully everyone was very nice, and my coworker stood by and helped, and right as I was getting my foothold, my boss called for me to work outside and bring in the new shipment of plants. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY NICE?? I was actually able to help some people today!! :D I’m slowly getting better at my job which is nice :) originally I was only gonna work 4 hours, but there were more plants to get and I felt like I could keep going, so I ended up working 6 instead. Every time I come home from the end of my shift I feel bad for not working more and like I should have stayed longer. Tbh I think I could do it if I had a proper break! I’ve been doing 4 hour shifts with maybe a water break in the middle because i don’t know how to ask to go on break ;-; Ike my secondary boss in the garden center is super nice and approachable and friendly but the main boss is like. Terrifying. I never know when he’s joking or being serious and I don’t understand him and assffsfamms it SUCKS. But whatever, I went home and ate some Mac n cheese and laid in bed because my back hurt and played on my ds for the rest of the night. I tried a couple new games, none of which I spent very long on. I tried okami den where you’re the wolf puppy child of the precious games protagonist I think, and idk maybe I’ll give it a better try in the future, but I wasn’t feelin it. I spent like 30 minutes on a pro bass fishing simulator and couldn’t clear the first level because the fish wouldn’t get close enough to my boat lmao. Sonic and Mario at the Olympic Games was fun until I lost at table tennis to Mario. I’d play it again. But I have work again tomorrow so I gotta go to bed good night. Having to blast my fan and play drawfee on my phone to drown out moms tv again >:(

Ate a pbj for breakfast? Went to work, moved plants around, took my lunch break, went to subway with an expired coupon, ate at home and times it perfectly so I could watch one section of the new drawfee episode, went back to work, made myself sad thinking about the god girl homunculus from fullmetal alchemist, picked dead flowers off the petunias, left a little early, hung out at home, left to go get mom’s medicine, found my dad at the store, followed him around and shopped for a bit, can home to unload everything, talked with him about buying one of the cars from him so it would be under mom’s insurance after the divorce, talked about being able to hang out at dads apparent after we help him move, ate some of the stuff we bought, and now I’m hanging out in bed again. I picked up my Pokémon black save and played a while today which was nice. I think I’m gonna work more in the next few days, be really busy with shit for like a week, and finally have a breather after the 15th. I really need to switch brain gears back into college stuff soon so I can sign up for orientation and figure out finances and shit, but for now it’s midnight and I don’t have to think about it lol

Today was pretty good, but also pretty boring. I played Pokémon all day since I didn’t have work, cooked some hamburger meat, and went on an errand for mom but got the wrong thing so I went out later to buy the right thing. I got spicy chicharrones instead of regular ones oops. On my drive back from getting the right thing, I rolled all my windows down and loved the feeling of driving around right after sunset when the weather was nice but cool, especially after standing in mom’s loud-ass room trying to ask about her bank card. I thought about going back out to aimlessly drive around the park and back, but instead hung out in my kitchen as my cat fell asleep on my lap. I think I’m gonna get paid tomorrow, so that’s exciting :D I probably made a solid couple hundred dollars if I had to guess. Idk what I’m getting paid per hour, but it’s probably ~$10 and I COULD go through my texts again to see how much I’ve worked, but I don’t really wanna lmao. I should just start putting that in my notes app instead...

Just had probably the most involved, longest dream ever?? It was a mix of infinity train and dangenrompa, we were mostly stuck inside my house, one boy left for years to search for supplies, I tried biking along a tail that disappeared into tree roots and a ditch with grass, cried because we had been in the same car for so long I was afraid they were gonna make us kill someone to get past, and at the end we escaped or something and had to fuck up security cameras and get past loopholes and lots of cereal boxes were involved? Idk there’s just so much I don’t remember. I wasn't sure if I had to go to work today, so I sent my boss a text and just kinda hung out. was making  hamburger meat for my mom when my boss called asking me to come in, so I took a shower and worked from 1-5. spent some time at the register, and got way better at checking stuff out :) I learned a couple things, and there was one old lady in particular who was very patient and nice to me while my coworker went to go find a smaller bag of birdseed. when it stopped being busy inside, I went ut to the garden center to help price plants and spent the rest of my shift out there. I got paid too! $9 an hour, 22 hours, $200 in total. hell yeah. not bad, although I literally have no frame of reference on if this Is good or not. after work I went home for a second, then got Hardee’s (or carls jr in the western states). I used a coupon for chicken tenders for me and my sister :) and while I was driving around today, I found myself wishing that everything in life could be as smooth and easy as driving my car through my neighborhood. and then I kinda laughed thinking about how I cried my first time driving on a major road asdjfasjdhf. but seriously I love driving my dad’s silver Volvo!! its so comfy with 4 wheel drive and good petal control, its like always driving on freshly paved roads <3 unfortunately that's the car my dad is taking when he moves into his apartment to use as his full time car instead of his shit-ass blue Volvo, and we’re gonna be stuck with the red Volvo with a really touchy gas pedal and slow break pedal. (idk if you've noticed but we really love old Volvos in this family. they’re all old and boxy as hell and I love em <3 ) then I played Pokemon black and beat the elite 4 and champion in one try with a lot of revives lmao. I was kinda underleveled, right at 48-50 range, same as them. I was angry about stuff and in pain earlier in the shower as I washed my hair, but I dont remember exactly what it was. now I have my soft Spotify playlist going so I can maybe go to sleep soon. oh wait I remember being angry that all I could thin about all day was work, even tho it only takes up a few hours of my day, and then I do nothing all day afterwards. idk it’s just weird.

[cosmotoiper]

My First Real Post on Something

You know, I’ve never posted my own thoughts or really anything on here yet. So I might as well start now. Since I’d been looking at lots of dinosaur stuff as of late I decided that I need to get something off my chest. And almost no one’s going to agree with me but if I do find anyone who does agree with me then I will love you. Okay JURASSIC PARK SUCKS It’s a soulless, pretentious, hypocritical, piece of blockbuster full of annoying ass characters, bullshit science (which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact people seriously believe what they hear in it), and it’s full of lots of loose plot threads that go nowhere. It’s pretty obvious that a huge reason for it being made was to sell toys. (They even made the toys before they’d cast the guy who played Newman from Seinfeld in it, so his action figure doesn’t even look like him.)

Again, the main problem is how pretentious and hypocritical it is. You basically have this guy who does some amazing beautiful, selfless, thing by reviving extinct animals and he gets shit from everybody for it. Like before anything bad even happens he’s getting shit from the people who supposedly love dinosaurs.

But dinosaurs aren’t magical monsters who do nothing but kill, they’re animals. There was nothing wrong with what he did except for the fact that the zoo was run sooooooo poorly. He had, what, five guys working there. Most real life zoos will have 10 human workers for every animal. And this place has like hundreds of dinosaurs. Guess he “spared no expense” for everything except in this one crucial factor.

Just an electric fence. It wasn’t even that powerful, obviously, since the little shit-head boy didn’t die from being zapped by it. Of course, the girl is soooo much worse, with her know it all attitude with computers mixed with her lack of any actual knowledge with computers. Seriously, OH MY GOD THEY HAVE LYNEX!!!!!! AHHHH, CD ROM!!!! I’M A HACKER. I’M A VEGERTARIAN (which is important to the plot somehow.) She also is apparently the grand daughter of the guy who cloned the dinos but still says the stupidest line in the movie “meatasaurus”.

The big tour of the park was also planned on the day of a storm. Seriously, do meteorologists not exist in their universe?

The T. Rex kills some people. For some reason, I doubt a giant animal like this would go out of it’s way to rip through bathrooms and cars just to eat some tiny people. She was given a goat and everything. Clothes taste awful, too. They of course, also give bullshit about a giant predator that’s closely related to birds having bad eyesight. (In the book it’s cause of the frog DNA but here they make pretty clear that it’s supposed to be natural.) Such another sad bullshitism that the public has picked up from this movie.

So what, else? Ah yeah, the plot thread about the dinosaurs being sick. Well, the Triceratops shits out her own weight, the Brachiosaurus sneezes, and that’s it. They forgot about that plot thread after that. I understand that it goes into this more in the “book” but maybe if you start a plot point in a movie it should like lead somewhere or have a purpose.

The dinosaurs can also change sexes. Which is a big shocking reveal. Except for the fact that it doesn’t change anything. The only thing that mattered was the escaped and (for a while) that they were sick. But the sex chaning thing ads nothing. It was probably only there because Michael Chrichton read about frogs changing sex and felt it would somehow be clever to use it. It’s also the only reason why they have that crap about using frog DNA (even humans are closer related to dinosaurs than frogs). About the only thing it adds is the tragic inevitability of having a shit ton more sequel with no fear of running out of dinosaurs.

Jeff Goldblum can be a great actor. As can be seen in such classics as The Remake of The Fly, Thor and Hulk’s Road Trip to Ragnarok, and The Time He Read the Script to Steamed Hams. But he is just annoying as shit in this. He’s the primary asshole of the movie and embodies the pretentiousness

Samuel L Jackson’s in the movie. He does nothing. He’s never even on screen with a dinosaur. Want to see Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson fight a dinosaur? LOL I bet you would.

Newman and Samuel L Jackson are the only entertaining characters but they both die. I guess that in the book the annoying ass Chaos Theory guy that Jeff Goldblum plays dies, but in the movie he lives to annoy more people in some sequels.

Then we have the paleontologist guy who threatens a fat kid in front of a bunch of witnesses, he’s the hero. He also digs up an Asian dinosaur (velociraptor) in America. Here’s a thought, maybe it’s just fake. He buries it there and brings a tour to dig it up then offers to name it after them if they pay him 50 bucks.The velociraptors are also giant because they’re supposed to be deinonychuses. Even then, Spielberg told the crew to make them bigger. That pretty much gives a good idea of Stephen’s influence on this turd. “Uhh, I dunno, make ‘em bigger. Now leave me alone.” Stephen Spielberg only did it so that Universal would help pay for Schindler’s List, so I forgive him, I guess. They of course have no feathers either, this can be forgiven since it was the nineties and they didn’t know better. This can’t be forgiven, however, for the sequels going on now. “Feather the Raptors” would be a great name for a band, by the way.

Another annoying ass thing whole movie is bound to come up 100% of the time if you let any conversation about dinosaurs go on long enough. You see people who seriously seem to think that this is the only dinosaur related thing, like dinosaurs didn’t exist before this movie. It’s just such an overrated piece of..... well I don’t like it that much. This said, I keep coming back to this franchise just because some of the dinosaurs look decent and nice. And even though the toys are crap I keep looking at pictures of them. I guess I have a large interest in cheap crap made of plastic.

Well, anyways, I’m sure I could complain about it even more but I’ll let it rest for now. Anyways, HIYA Tumblr. How many enemies have I made, now?