#ew.... source trauma bad....

[calliesmemes]

ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF

ASSORTED QUOTES FROM TUMBLR TEXTPOSTS, X (formerly known as twitter) POSTS, TIKTOK, MEMES, AND OTHER SOURCES AROUND THE INTERNET

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Currently considering becoming a bother and a nuisance, maybe even a menace or a rascal. ”

“   Hungry? Eat the government. ”

“   Yes, I wanna fuck after every argument. ”

“   Silence, you uneducated peanut! ”

“  They should invent a being alive that isn’t so difficult. ”

“   Women have to think I’m hot or none of this matters. ”

“   Due to personal reasons I will be named an enemy of the state. ”

“   Being overdressed is a myth made up by people who didn’t want you to have fun and be sexy. ”

“   What even are daddy issues? Just traumatize your father back. ”

“   I LOVE complaining! You can’t take that away from me! ”

“   I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you. ”

“   I’m simultaneously ‘I’m tired of this grandpa’ and ‘that’s too damn bad!’ ”

“   The word ew coming out of a pretty girl’s mouth holds so much power … I think that it can tear apart nations. ”

“   Someone made fun of my shoes and the whole time I just thought of ways to push them out the window. ”

“   If you’re short, simply get taller. ”

“   I better think twice? Buddy I don’t even think once. ”

“   My off putting looks, awkward demeanor, and strange behavior have captivated you. ”

“   There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss? ”

“   You are a fool. When you walk, clown music plays. ”

“   I mean yeah he’s evil and all but what if I were his favorite? ”

“   I really do hate thinking. ”

“   In my defense, I simply do not vibe with the law. ”

“   I’ve done nothing wrong. Except all the atrocities. Besides that, I’m innocent. ”

“   Sorry I couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue. ”

“   Of course you have white hair and trauma. ”

“   So apparently the bad vibes I’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’. ”

“   Stop calling me a bad person just because I’m orchestrating your downfall! ”

“   The more lip gloss I collect the longer I live. ”

“   Sorry that I am obsessed with you in the unhealthiest way possible. As if it's my fault ”

“   The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped build both character and self esteem. ”

“   I could be your loser boyfriend. Do you ever think about that? ”

“   Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday, but god wont let me die so I’m back ”

“   What do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism? What do you mean my problems are still here? ”

“   Academic validation is required for my sanity. ”

“   RIP to everyone killed by the gods for hubris but I’m different and better. Maybe even better than the gods. ”

“   Researching the stages of grief to see if I can get them finished in ten minutes tops. ”

“   My parents were like I’m gonna make a child that is so beyond help. ”

“   It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it. ”

“   Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time? ”

“   How do I show people that I’m more than my unethical career choice? ”

“   I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out. ”

“   You look so biteable today. ”

“   Why am I suffering? I have so many correct opinions and takes. ”

“   I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST THAT I CANNOT GO BACK TO! anyways ”

“   Challenging authority, angering gods. The family business. ”

“   Third base is me telling you about my father. ”

“   Hey girl. Plagued by terrifying visions? ”

“   Got caught giving a fuck. Embarrassing. ”

“   I didn’t ‘miss’ the red flags; I saw them and thought that they looked sexy. ”

“   Do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot? ”

“   I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams. ”

“   Another day of being a bisexual disaster. ”

“   I’m going to let myself be a little unhinged today, as a treat. ”

“   Some of you act like murder is such a big deal. ”

“   You wanna hunt me for sport so bad that it makes you look stupid. ”

“   You’re not a girlboss unless you’ve killed someone. ”

“   It’s so weird how no one ever has correct opinions about things except for me. ”

“   Hello, my love — I mean, my rival ”

“   No one is calling me baby and it’s outrageous I can’t believe it. ”

“   No talking stage. Mutual obsession and you see god in my eyes or nothing. ”

“   I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOOKUP CULTURE DIE IN MY ARMS ”

“   Yes baby your emotional walls are high and impenetrable can we kiss now? ”

“   Affection is disgusting. Drown me in it. ”

“   I am gatekeeping my respect from you. ”

“   Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. ”

“   I am equal parts fuck around and find out and please don’t yell at me I’ll cry. ”

“   Short legs, big butt. I’m a corgi. ”

“   Fuck being the bigger person; I’m going to start biting people. ”

“   Well that wasn’t very slay of you! ”

“   May I please get a crumb of affection? ”

“   I crave power! Please don’t yell, though; I’m sensitive. ”

“   You call it a near death experience; I call it a vibe check from God. ”

“   Here are some scissors. Now cut it out. ”

“   Might commit a little tomfoolery, maybe even some shenanigans. ”

“   All these flavors, and you choose to be salty. ”

“   How can I live, laugh, love in these conditions? ”

“   What if I said ‘to be honest’ but then lied? ”

“   I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people do fraud. ”

“   Yes I may be evil and morally corrupt, but I’m also incredibly beautiful and I think that makes up for it honestly. ”

“   Debates are stupid. Why would I want to sit down and argue with someone blatantly dumber than me? ”

“   I forget but I do NOT forgive.. I'm just walking around hating bitches can't remember why ”

“   Ding dong your opinion is wrong! ”

“   I’m coming for your kneecaps. ”

“   You dropped your nose you fucking clown. ”

“   Are you a fire alarm? ‘Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying. ”

“   Call me an escalator, because I let people down. ”

“   I love me a good lesbian scandal! ”

“   If you can’t run away from your problems, you’re not running fast enough. ”

“   Everything I want to do is illegal. ”

“   Don’t make me hit your ankle with my Barbie scooter! ”

“   I tell gay jokes because I am a gay joke. ”

“   Fuck! I dropped my mental stability! ”

[strawberrymilk-sunshine]

Watching u <3

I've been working on this for a while. Off and on since late June. Believe it or not, I have actually been having ideas throughout my entire hiatus, it was just a case of not being able to really write anything down...

This is probably darker than some of my other stuff, I just feel like I should say. Please do not read this if you're uncomfortable with this. Thank you, and have a good day/afternooon/night.

Warning(s): yandere behaviors, explicitly fem reader, death, some sexist stuff (it's not as bad as it probably could be but it's there), incel Idia I know he isn't in canon please don't be mad at me for making him one in this fic, delusional yandere Idia, non consentual kiss, blood hemorrhage mention, unwanted comments about reader's body, implied past trauma, doxxing, breaking and entering

It was a long day of boring classes for Idia. Today was one of those days he was forced to actually attend class in person... ew. He hated it, being around people for that long. But he had a test today, and apparently the professor didn't trust him enough to do it remotely from his dorm room.

Luckily though, Idia had something to look forward to. At the end of the day, when he gets back to his dorm room, almost exactly... something he looks forward to all week will finally start.

What is this thing he is so looking forward to?

Well, what other than your weekly livestream, of course!

He loved everything about you.

He knew everything there was to know about you. He even knew your name, despite you hiding your identity behind a fictitious catgirl persona~

(Y/N). (Y/N) (L/N). He loved that name of yours. It felt like honey in his mouth as the words spilled out of him... calling you by your real name without you knowing~

Idia considered you a friend- no, even MORE. He wasn't friends with you, no no no no no! You were his lovely little girlfriend! Cute and submissive and everything... ohhh, he loved you so much. Hearing your voice... listening to you... answering you like you were right next to him... donating to you every time you streamed, copious amounts of money... participating in chat every now and again, to have an actual dialogue with you... he didn't like talking with other people, oh, but he ALWAYS made an exception for you.

You two have even started chatting outside just your streams. He's a mod for your streams now, as well as on your personal server... you were a bit apprehensive about that at first, but don't worry, he convinced you!

One time, you confided in him about some... serious issues you went through irl. It was so cute, imagining you in that situation.

Oh, you've been through so much together... you're practically dating at this point! Oh... but maybe he should actually ask you, just to make sure you know you're dating him. Just in case. Just in case.

Idia happily logged onto your stream, anxious to watch you... and to pop the question later~

But as he logged on... he... he heard you... say... something...

"Sorry I wasn't able to stream last week... something came up in my real life!" He saw your semi-3d avatar smile, responding to your real expression, no doubt. "I know it sounds crazy, but somehow... I'm dating someone!"

At first, Idia decided to optimistically think about how, maybe you're referring to him... but, as the pre-stream chitchat continued... it became obvious you weren't.

...

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM?!

In a fit of anger, Idia unsubscribed and blocked you on absolutely everything.

...but then, he thought of something. A nice plan... one that would hopefully make you dependent on him... you'd dump whatever loser you're dating right now... and he would be your only source of comfort.

He unblocked your accounts on his main... and then, he logged onto an alternate account, one that doesn't connect back to him in any way; sorta like what you tried to do with your stream persona, but actually unconnected, unlike yours.

He sent you a message from his sock puppet...

Your stream ended for the day, and... you were confused to see a message from an account you didn't recognize. You thought that maybe it was just a fan deciding to message you, as you get that a lot, but once you accepted the message request to see what they sent...

[xNDRWRLDx] : this u?

...you saw... a picture of yourself... one a family member of yours posted a few years ago... you tried your best to make sure that your online persona didn't connect back to your real life at all, so... how... how did this person get this picture?!

As terrified as you were, you chose to ignore this message. About an hour later, you received another.

Despite your thoughts, screaming at you to not give this person the time of day... that last message just set you off. You decided to respond.

[xNDRWRLDx] : ignoring ppl is rude

[xNDRWRLDx] : u know that, right?

[xNDRWRLDx] : or is ur thick skull not able to comprehend that

[xNDRWRLDx] : lmao yeah, thats prob the case

[xNDRWRLDx] : u could get a much higher paying job if u quit streaming & decided 2 use ur tits & ass 2 ur advantage

[xNDRWRLDx] : getting railed all day would b easier than streaming. u wouldnt have 2 pretend u have a personality beyond "uwu im a girl who plays video games arent i cute??"

You suddenly saw a string of numbers appear on your screen in the next message from this person. Is that your IP?!

[n3k0-ebi] : who tf are you??

[xNDRWRLDx] : o right, u said smth abt not being comfortable w/ talking abt stuff like that

[xNDRWRLDx] : lmfao weak much??? cant even take a joke

[xNDRWRLDx] : wat a pathetic excuse of a human

[n3k0-ebi] : whats your angle dude

[n3k0-ebi] : are you just trying to make me mad on purpose? it wont work, so just leave me alone.

What could this person know? Just what you look like in real life?? As much as you don't want people to know, it... it isn't that bad. You're not going to pose like that. You're not even going to give this person the time of day anymore.

[xNDRWRLDx] : look familiar?

[xNDRWRLDx] : just saying u would look adorable laying under me w/ ur mouth agape & drooling w/ ur eyes half shut <3

[xNDRWRLDx] : maybe if u send me a pic of u looking like that i might consider not sharing wat i know w/ ur entire audience

[xNDRWRLDx] : ur choice bitch

You log off for the night, not giving any more thought to this person's likely hollow threats.

The next day, you woke up, not realizing what happened over night.

You took a nice, relaxing, early morning shower...

Strangely enough, as you left your washroom, you could have sworn you'd seen a strange, blue light outside your hallway window. Probably just your eyes playing tricks on you... or light reflecting off something...

You make your way to your living room, and sit yourself down on the couch, comfy in your bathrobe and hair towel. You turn on the tv so you can half watch whatever comes on, and focus the rest of your attention on browsing Magicam.

...

...that's a lot of notifications.

You decide to look through your mentions first, and... you see a post from that account that was messaging you last night. It details your full legal name, your address, your partner's name, your parent's names, your homeland, every personal detail you could think of was listed in this post.

In a sudden moment of not thinking, you decide to message them.

They... they just sent you... a picture of you coming out of your shower... and then another, of you sitting here on the couch-?!

[n3k0-ebi] : what the hell is wrong with you?!

[n3k0-ebi] : you fucking doxxed me?!

[xNDRWRLDx] : i told u it was ur choice didnt i

[xNDRWRLDx] : u chose 2 not send me that pic i wanted

[xNDRWRLDx] : so really its ur own fault <3

You look out your living room window... but you don't see anybody.

[xNDRWRLDx] : ur not responding?

[xNDRWRLDx] : rude

[xNDRWRLDx] : little missy cant think of anything to say huh

[xNDRWRLDx] : idk wat i expected lmfao

[xNDRWRLDx] : typical 4 a female pretending 2 know stuff cant even hide ur identity properly

[xNDRWRLDx] : wat an idiotttt

The next month is a chaotic one.

Being stalked by so-called "fans"... yourself and your family members being sent weird letters and death threats... your regular workplace firing you... your family and friends cutting ties with you... your partner breaking up with you...

...why did this all have to happen...?

Is this your fault...? Maybe if you had just sent that picture... no, no don't even think about it. That person probably would have done this to you anyways...

...oh...

Oh, you... you have a notification. Since what happened last night, you haven't checked any of your notifications, but... this one... it's from someone you trust...

Idia was absolutely enraged. He could barely even believe what just happened. You have nothing. He is the only person in the world offering you comfort and support, and you just... YOU JUST WRITE HIM OFF LIKE HE'S NOTHING?!

[Gloomurai_] : hey, is everything OK w/ you?

[Gloomurai_] : i just saw you havent rlly been online since what happened

[Gloomurai_] : not that i blame you obv

[n3k0-ebi] : hi gloomy

[n3k0-ebi] : things haven't been great... lol.

[Gloomurai_] : i heard youre single again btw

[Gloomurai_] : that must suck

[Gloomurai_] : i hope this doesnt sound too forward but uh

[Gloomurai_] : is there anything i could do to help?

[n3k0-ebi] : definitely not, but thx for offering

[n3k0-ebi] : it's enough to just know you're there :)

...but, all of a sudden, the anger leaves him. Everything leaves him. All rational thought is gone from his head... and he smiles.

"Ortho... tell the vice leader he'll be in charge of Ignihyde for a while."

"What-? Big brother, why would you-"

"I need to go home for a bit." Idia closes the chat log, and stands up from his chair. "I won't be gone long. I just need to... make a copy of a file on my pc back home and bring it back here. That's all."

Ortho didn't entirely believe his brother...

...it's raining.

It's dark, stormy, the dead of night...

And most importantly, you're alone.

You used to like being alone. Not so much now, now you just feel... unsafe.

What with all the death threats, general threats, your home address and real face now being known... you don't feel safe in your own home anymore.

It's not a pleasant feeling, yet it is one you've felt before. One you never hoped to feel again. It's such a terrible feeling, knowing you might not be safe, in the place that you very well should be...

...

There's a knock at the door.

You are NOT going to answer it.

There are a lot of things that can happen in the exact moment of danger. Time feels like it slows down, and you have to make a choice... fight or flight, your natural instincts.

The door is kicked open and you drop down to at least somewhat hide yourself thanks to your couch. Maybe that pepper spray you lost last month is under there??? Hopefully...

And then... you hear a voice. A strangely familiar, sickly sweet voice.

"Ohh (Y/N)~" It calls out... "Where are youuuu~???"

That voice... you know that voice... you've been in a voice call with that voice before... that voice...

It's Gloomy... someone you thought was your friend...

"(Y/N), I know you're in here. Just show me where you are already. I-I won't hurt you~!!"

You frantically run your hand along the floor under your couch, looking for your pepper spray. You can't help but hope it's under there...

You hit something that rolls out from under your couch... it's exactly what you're looking for, but it also shows him exactly where you are.

A blue glow comes closer as the long, flaming hair drapes over your couch, the tips barely touching you as you lay on the ground. Then you see his face... piercing yellow eyes, and a terrifying, sickening smile full of sharp teeth...

"There you are!"

You scramble away from him in a panic, taking short glances at where the small canister rolled...

"There's no need to look so scared, (Y/N)." He smiles. "It's me, Gloomurai, Gloomy, Idia, your boyfriend."

"W...w-what... the hell... are you talking about...?"

"Are you fucking stupid? I think it's really clear what I said, isn't it?" He scowls at you... not just any scowl, it looks like he completely despised you... before quickly returning to a sickly sweet, and clearly fake smile. "I'm your boyfriend. You're my girlfriend. We've been dating for a long time, and I'm going to be taking you home with me now! I love you so much!"

"W-we've talked a few times... a-and I guess we're friends, but... but we aren't dating!!" You yell, clenching your fists tightly. You're absolutely terrified, but you don't want to just agree with him. There's no way in hell you're going to validate this...

"Yes we are. Do you not remember? Is your single braincell working overtime trying to understand what you already know? Aww, cute kitty..." The intruder suddenly pulls something out from his pocket.

He thrusts the object at you as you avoid it by crawling on your hands and knees as fast as you can towards your small canister. You stand up in the best defensive position you can, being sure to hide your spray from this creep.

"Ugh. Why are you so stubborn?? It won't hurt as much if you just stay still!!" He rushes towards you with the object, it's clear to you now that it is a syringe...

You spray him directly in the eyes as he screeches out in pain.

You run for your front door, hoping you can get away while he writhes in pain... but you feel something prick into your neck... and being flushed into your veins...

"YOU BITCH. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!" He screams at you as you collapse. What is this... what in the world would work this fast...?

"...wh..." You try to ask what this is, before you feel a sudden metallic taste in your mouth, and blood begins to pour out...

"You don't need to know what it is. It's better if you don't know." The intruder shushes you. "I love you so much. I love you. We'll be happy together... me and a better version of you... I'll recreate you perfectly."

...he kisses you on the lips. He wipes your blood off of his face as he pulls away... when you realize he's wearing gloves.

"It won't be long before you hemorrhage all your blood... this stuff works really fast~" He smiles. "At least you'll look pretty as you die."

Idia's life entirely went back to normal after that. In fact, it's been a year since what he did.

Your body was found, but evidence to his crime was not.

Idia is a model student at NRC, despite almost never attending class in person. His grades are phenomenal, he hands in all his assignments in time, and he's going to get a good job when he graduates...

And... in his spare time... he's programming.

Idia is programming an artificial intelligence, based on a certain someone he used to know.

His lovely girlfriend.

"Don't worry... we'll be seeing each other again soon... I'm sure of it. I'll do everything I can to make it true... I love you, (Y/N)."

[yourmomxx]

M A S T E R L I S T pt.2

* · 　　 . .　 ★ 　　 ✧　 .. ˚ 　 * · . .　 ★·　　 ✧　 .

Incorrect Quotes. ⊹　°. * ✧ . ✦　. • ✺ ° ★ . ° .   

Precarious Situation

Tim Drake being relatable

Do no Wrong

Stress Relief

Ew Feelings

Creep Defense Class 101

About Koalas

At Dick's funeral

Pregnancy Scare

Drugs

Autocorrect

Dad Jokes

Grocery List

Puns

Source Not Found

About forgotten Birthdays

Table Manners

On Edge

Alphabet of Plans

Pain

Opposites

No Survival Skills

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Crosswords

Salt and Sugar

Unhelpful Advice

Motivation, Inspiration

At 3 a.m.

Butt Match

Belongings

Drastic Measures

An Idiot's Logic

Your Mom

Keep it Casual

Barbara Gordon

Would You Rather?

Gotham Villains

Feelings

Sibling Love

Trick Question

Like Father, like Son

Young Dick Grayson was a Menace

Escape

Unsupervised

Funny

Best Thing That's Happened to Me

Great Christmas Idea

Precautions

Finding Tim

Muggy Conditions

Kitchen of God

4xS-rule

Terrible Idea

Dealing with Trauma: The Batfamily Way

Careful

What Seems to be the Problem, Officer?

Jiu-Jitsu

Bad at Math

Secrets

Car Shenanigans

Dinner Plans

Pick-Up Lines

Constructive Criticism

You love me

Hard Time

Offsensive

Problems in Traffic

Special Dinner

The Bitch Is Back

Power Couple

Health Check

Family Additions

Bedroom Activities

Reincarnation

Subtle Signs

Horoscopes

POLAR opposites

Shitposts. ⊹　 °. * ✧ . ✦　 . • ✺ ° ★ . ° .    ⋒

Wayne Family Adventures WEBTOON 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Red Hood: Outlaws WEBTOON 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

[asteralis-01]

Actually no im not done complaining about toxic shipping cultures

Ever since I joined the proship + rq community (which was at the same time) I CANNOT stand people getting mad at ships. I have a few ships I cannot be around (tw but Sal x Larry being the biggest, we are uncomfortable w the concept, had it used against us to cause trauma, and Travis hates it for obvious reasons that’s HIS man not his brothers man ew). However- is this reason for me to invade Sally face spaces and start screaming and yelling about how horrible Sallarry is; is it ok for me to garner a good chunk of the fandom to go and storm the palace of sallarry and kill all shippers in their steps?? NO! From what I’m aware, the devs were even implying it before they decided to go the route they did (which honestly I like because it shows a really dynamic and complex relationship with many different phases, and Trav KNEW they had something for each other before they became siblings). Like I don’t know how much time I spent avoiding fanfic and fandom spaces because I didn’t ship the conventional ships (which in hindsight were SO CHILL compared to the shit I ship now). I left friends for the things they shipped, had friends leave me for what I shipped, and for what??

When my abusive ex was using the ship and various other sources of media to gaslight me into doing the gross things I did with them, then THAT is not ok. That’s a time where someone is taking a ship to far, and it’s genuinely hurting people. But not a SINGLE SOUL (including myself) was ever hurt by ships that I didn’t like. It was just the one time I had a bitch who used it against me. It just goes to show how stupid toxic ship culture is. Anyone remember the absolute OUTLASH that tsumishima got on TikTok from like 2018-2019? Yea that entire time I never actually saw any tsumishima content, and the people I saw who shipped tsumishima never posted about it. When they did they were just trying to defend themselves from the doxing and death threats.

And the thing is- how can you assume what someone thinks about a ship. I would ship junko and mikan in a recovery au- I think they would actually make a good couple with all their shared trauma as long as they got therapy for the rest of their lives. But no one would let me get past ‘Junko and Mikan would be cute’ Because they would already sniping me down from across the screen.

Anyways this is such a sleep deprived ramble, I just hate toxic ship culture. You literally NEVER have to look at a ship you don’t like- and only in the aforementioned case above or similar cases should a ship be called out. Not because of the content, but the way the person is using the ship. The fictional characters literally do not matter and they will not be mad if you put them in a ‘bad’ relationship. And don’t come at me saying ‘oh but I’m an introject/fictive and I-‘ BLOCK THE TAG!! STOP LOOKING FOR IT!! I AM TRAVIS AND I NEVER SEE SALLARRY STUFF BECAUSE I HATE IT SO I DON’T LOOK AT IT AND I AM PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE EVEN THOUGH IT EXISTS AND PEOPLE ENJOY IT. Someone else’s ship does not make it true- the only thing that should make it true is your own opinion, thoughts, feeling and perspective. And guess what- that’s only your truth, not anyone else’s.

[fictive-culture]

fictive culture is randomly splitting from a source you dont even like that much from a character your friend in another sys has source trauma of and feeling eughagh ew and bad abt urself

.

[empirexsin]

‘ we shouldn’t be doing this. ’ @williopolis​

it’s the happiest he’s been in years. or at least - the closest he’s felt to such a grand emotion such as happiness. whenever she waltzes into a room - into shared space with him - he feels like he’s instantly locked on her. gravitating nearer to her, as subtle as he can be. he never knows what he’s going to say. what he should say. but he speaks in quiet words and mumbles. she, always more animated than him. as though life just radiates off of her - as if she’s the source of all nature itself. the opposite of julie. julie who seems like a dark cloud that he has to follow. julie who reminds him of trauma he’s experienced because she brings it up because she finds it humorous. because she uses it as ammunition to get joe to lay down and take whatever foul, manipulative word she’s going to say next. her voice isn’t as sweet as willow’s. maybe it was once upon a time when they’d first met. or maybe she’s always been this way and he hasn’t thought anything of it. thought life would just be this big black ball of mass that would roll him into a dark abyss with it, surrounding him until he feels he’s choking. struggling to breathe each day. and so as much as it might not seem like a surprise that he and willow have grown fonder - speaking more suggestively to one another - it is a surprise to joe. joe who doesn’t know what willow wants from him. she’s younger than him. beautiful. so beautiful that joe could scoff each time he thinks about the fact that she’s convinced him that she likes him. seems like a joke. a high school joke that isn’t truly that funny. making the nerd think a cheerleader likes him for the amusement of friends. 

they have little time together. often in the company of other’s. joe can’t really text with willow on his phone. has to be blunt with her on text even more than he would usually, if only because he’s convinced julie checks his phone. in fact, she does. she’s done it before and he’s sure she’ll do it again. he doesn’t know why. thinks he’s disloyal. most likely because she’s trying to find a reason to cheat herself. or...a reason to eventually tell joe she’s cheating and justify it. ‘ we shouldn’t be doing this ’ the words ring in his ears when he hears them from willow but they don’t make sense to him. wonders if he’s triggered her in some way for her to put a pause on the situation that’s unfolding between them. joe, standing close to her. has thought about kissing her. being brave and just doing it. but the words xause him to stop and linger in her space. wonders if she’s suddenly realised how much older he is than her. ‘ ew, he’s going to be all wrinkly and disgusting! ’ or maybe she’s just thought about how he’s not worth her time. or effort. “ okay ” he answers, simply. but he’s confused. uncertain. doesn’t usually ask questions because julie doesn’t like him asking questions. ‘ god you’re so fucking annoying, joe! can’t you just stop asking questions for one second?’. he never asks questions anymore. just accept things. a far cry from when he used to be in the military, or the fbi. all he did was ask questions. 

he’s silent for a moment. letting the air grow heavier between them. he wonders what he should say. what he should do. wonders if it might be an opportunity to question her, or if he’ll be left with answers that will haunt and belittle him. make his small perspective on himself, get even smaller. “ i...have i upset you? ” wonders if willow might have come to the realisation that her friendship with julie is more important then whatever is happening between her and joe. but he doubts this. thinks willow must be smart enough to know that julie is the type to bad mouth her behind her back. 

[smileduponyou]

🍵

Send 🍵for the mun’s salt!

Now, let me preface this by saying: I understand avoiding a bit of media because it triggers some trauma or you've had a bad experience, that's fine

Many Rp blogs do NOT give South Park Rp blogs a fair shot.

I mean they just REFUSE to acknowledge or interact with South Park blogs because there seems to be this stigma that because the show tends to have crude humor and can lean a little into the nasty side of things that any rp blog that takes a character from it is going to be the same damn way.

Oh ew, South Park, they're gonna write nothing but fart jokes and be gross! Better avoid them!

And I'm gonna say it: THIS SHIT IS NOT FAIR.

Both I and everyone I've ever met who wrote with an SP character as their muse have put SO MUCH work, time, effort and emotions into their writing and their portrayal and their headcanons only to have people completely avoid or block them because 'the source material is problematic so that means they are too!!!!'

No! Dammit, that isn't how it works! That isn't fair to the people who pour hours of their creative process into these muses only to have people brush them off because they don't want to take a chance or nudge a toe out of their comfort zone!

We deserve writing partners and plots and ships and interaction just as much as any other blog! We are not lesser just because we write for an adult animation show! There is no less value in our work and our effort just because of what characters we choose to portray!

We deserve respect just as much as any other mun who chooses to put all their effort into a character!

We matter too, dammit!

[kristalpepsi]

Im glad i can b a good vibe 4 yall n even b 1 of yalls fave chrctr tbh, or make u hppy as a src chrctr

[shu-sakamaki]

Sakamaki Kids...

In my opinion, most of the times, the first kid to be born will depend on who is the first of the Sakamaki to get married.

For the sake of PLOT, I’ll make this how I think it was, KINDA, planned to go, and Shu is the one to get the throne anyway -, as the eldest. And, ofc, let’s pretend all the boys can fall in love and ignore the Adam project. And I’m posting random gifs to settle in an “aethetic” about how the child is.

First child: Shu’s

Gender: Boy

Planned: No. Not really. But also, zero surprises.

Personality: C A L M. Being Shu’s child is not an easy task. I think his son will grow up to be very capable of controlling his emotions. He is not listless like his father, he is calm and centered, for some, that may come up as “being cold”, but he is not, really. Far from it. He will learn at a young age how is his father’s way of showing love, and that will give his son a very strong and mature understanding of other people’s feelings. Shu is the “Conselor” type of dad. Is not your “My father is my best friend” thing, but sure a “My father keeps me safe” thing. Shu is there, even if not with words -, and his son is not different; An AMAZING listener, and friend for you to lean on his shoulder and cry. 

Second Child: Subaru

Gender: Girl

Planned: I will tell you this... Subaru’s wife was pregnant on her wedding day, very early in; if it was planned or not... You won’t know it from me, and Subaru won’t kiss and tell ya that. “Why do you wanna know anyway?”

Personality: Timid. Subaru having a daughter... From a man who couldn’t trust in women, to have two in his life. Subaru’s insecurity is hard to go unnoticed and his daughter catches on to that fairly quickly, she is smart -, but still very much emotional, too. Lucky she has her cousin, Shu's son, to help her understand her dad better, and not take his insecurities too personally. She spends most of her time in her bedroom, to be honest? She is the princess of the family... That is why her best friend is, easily, Shu’s child -, as he has a very easy time dealing with people as emotional as she is.

Third Child: Laito

Gender: Boy (Are y’all surprised?)

Planned: Kinda. Was mentioned once or twice, but as a future plan.

Personality: Protector and Fun. Understand that these boys are being raised trauma-free. Laito, more than any other dad, understands how the world can be cruel to little boys like his son, and he also knows his son can be the victim of the most horrendous things... Laito is the voice of experience in this, you know? So, his son, as a result of how he was raised, will have a very brotherly love for others, but also, enjoy being a kid. So catch his son being friendly with all his cousins, usually the one to stop the fights. Especially the ones between Reiji and Ayato’s daughters. He is respectful and dedicated. What Laito was meant to be before all the trauma...

Fourth child: Ayato

Gender: Girl

Planned: By Ayato? Yes. After his first nephew was born, watch this man act as if this was a race to know who has a child first. Poor boy missed it by a long shot.

Personality: Princess? No. No. Ew. Her father is, definitely, this girl’s best friend. And I tell you what, he is “the best man and dad in the world”, source: His daughter and himself. No, but really, she is Confident. And there is nothing she can’t do, her father showed her through his own actions, she is not limited. There was never a single time her father doubted her capacity. And this girl? Boy does she can fly high, the difference is that she is very humble... She doesn’t believe in limitations, and more than once you can catch her biting her nails everytime any of her cousins keep putting themselves down, “You are stronger than that”, she will tell you... And that type of attitude does put her and Reiji’s child in a very bad position, and those two, always end up fighting. She is a free spirit, never living up to other’s expectation. Today she is here, tomorrow she is not anymore.

Fifth Child: Kanato

Gender: Girl

Planned: Yes. The goo’old “My brothers are all having kids, why are you not giving me one?”-Kanato.

Personality: Come on, you all know I can’t escape this... Spoiled. No, you will not see this girl making a scene because she wants Ice cream, or a Teddy bear, but as in... She is appreciated for the minor things she does correctly, and her parent’s eyes are all on her. What Kanato lacked in receiving (the attention), guess he is doubling it for her. A true dad’s girl, really... As she grows up, she does notice she is being overprotected, and she wants to break that by showing her parents she is mature, adult, and independent. She is very emotional, and will easily cry, not because she can’t understand a “no”, but because she may take it personally... “Did I do something wrong to not deserve this?” 

Sixth Child: Reiji

Gender: Girl

Planned: Look at the huge list above you... ... You really think this wasn’t perfectly planned and calculated? It was... Very much so.

Personality: Oh boy. The frequency she brushes her teeth a day and how long she spends doing that is calculated. This girl wants to meet the expectations of her father, she witnesses every day the pain her father went through in his childhood, but she also feels something else in her father -, guilty. She lives according to her dad’s expectations, which makes Ayato’s daughter mad... Oh, but believe in me... She demands on herself way more than Reiji does. To a level that, if Reiji even dares say something like: “You don’t have to be perfect”, she will interpret it as: “You are not good enough to do this well”, she is scared of trying most things because she knows when you try -, there is a chance you’ll fail. And she doesn’t want to fail... She doesn’t want to show her father she has flaws. She wants to be the perfect daughter he planned to have. The pressure she puts on herself is bigger than any Reiji has ever put on her... She won’t admit it, but she likes when her cousins bring her the take out from their weekly “cousins day”, and decide to take a sit in the library so they all can hang out together.

She kinda envies, in a good way, Ayato and Shu’s child... They sure are free, and even encouraged, to live as they want -, without any expectations. But she also knows she is the main source of all the pressure she has on her shoulders.

[rothalion]

TW: Mentions and descriptions of abuse, racism, suicide, suicidal thoughts, mental illness, medical information and description, trauma, guns, major MSQ spoilers. Post will be put under read more for triggers and length.

Disorders and Post-EW Injury

Rothalion has been greatly affected for many years by trauma and mental illness, and while I have off-hand mentioned one or two I've yet to narrow down just what his symptoms and triggers are. As well, I've recently considered some injuries that I would like to add following the end of Endwalker. Although not many they are things that give further reason to his retirement in most verses; there is only one verse where Rothalion continues his work as an adventurer.

Let's begin with the mental disorders he suffers from, as the majority are long-standing and only worsened between ARR and EW.

Rothalion suffers from PTSD, Depression and Chronic Insomnia and has since he was a boy. It began with the death of his parents to an incredibly traumatic disease when he was 7 years old and was quickly worsened as he was given over to his aunt and uncle to be raised. Neither individual wanted children, rather they had a strong hatred of children to begin with and due to the trauma of finding his parents dead Rothalion was far from the perfect angel. When Rothalion acted out in any way, no matter how minor, he was punished with violence. If he cried, he would be insulted and his worth diminished. Their favourite method of physical abuse was burning and the use of a small leather whip; lashes to the bare skin of his back were incredibly common and the biggest source of his extensive back scarring and nerve damage. For 11 years his body and self worth was broken for sick kicks or as an outlet for misdirected rage, and is the very starting point for his PTSD in particular.

With his exit into the world his experience was dampened very quickly. His home had been situated in a Duskwight settlement deep underground in the South Shroud and so his first contact with any of the city states was Gridania... a city state run rampant with blatant racism gone unchecked. It was here that he underwent further abuse at the hands of the Wood Wailers, and after a particularly bad encounter that landed him in prison undeserved and subject to further physical abuse behind closed doors, he fled the city and traveled on foot towards Ul'dah; he would later return to Gridania where ARR starts after saving gil for equipment and training.

Major events that caused further trauma and worsening mental illness include:

The murder and kidnapping of the Scions in ARR, the assassination attempt of the Sultana and subsequent betrayal of Ul'dah, Haurchefant's death in HW, his battle with a Nidhogg-possessed Estinien and the removal of the Eyes, Ilberd's suicide and the coldblooded murder of his followers, the death of Papalymo pre-SB, witnessing Y'shtola's near death in SB, battling Yotsuyu as Tsukuyumi, Zenos' suicide in SB, losing his friends one by one pre-ShB, witnessing the transformation of a woman into a sin-eater, defending the Crystarium from sin-eaters, reliving the destruction of Amaurot, nearly transforming into a lightwarden, almost losing G'raha to the Crystal Tower, finding the dead bodies of a young woman and her younger sister in the frozen wastes of Garlemald, having his body stolen and being forced to fight through chaos to reach his friends and protect them, witnessing and battling Anima, the Final Days and seeing people transform into monsters all around them, battling Hydaelyn, everything witnessed and experienced within Ultima Thule, battling Meteion, finally killing Zenos and nearly dying as a result.

With severe trauma often comes triggers and Rothalion is not without his own. Note that while they are triggers not all of them are consistent and always result in a reaction and some are more subtle and can be easily overlooked by a party unfamiliar with him. His triggers:

Anything that remotely sounds like the crack of a whip (Constant visceral reaction)

The visual of a whip (Constant intense reaction)

Illness, both that of his own and that of others (Constant intense reaction)

Firearms, both sound and visual (Subtle reaction)

Screaming (Inconsistent, intense reaction ; emotion behind the scream unneccessary. A happy child's scream is just as likely to trigger flashbacks as a scream of despair)

The scent of fire, smoke and even cooking (Inconsistent, subtle reaction)

Touch to his exposed back (Intense reaction ; trusted parties are more permitted to make contact and with some individuals he begins to find comfort in their touch instead. This requires a lot of trust)

The scent of decomposition, including that of produce (Subtle reaction)

Wood Wailers' masks (Constant subtle reaction)

The following are listed symptoms Rothalion suffers from each disorder; while many symptoms overlap from person to person they can be different as well and so these are just the ones Rothalion experiences himself.

PTSD Symptoms: Chronic nightmares of past trauma, reliving his trauma via flashbacks, negative thoughts about himself and the world, hopelessness about the future, feeling detached from others, bouts of emotional numbness, trouble sleeping and overwhelming guilt and shame

Depression Symptoms: Feelings of intense sadness, hopelessness and emptiness, sleep disturbance and insomnia, lack of energy, reduced appetite, anxiety and restlessness, feelings of worthlessness and guilt, and suicidal thoughts

Chronic Insomnia Symptoms: Trouble staying asleep, frequently waking too early and being unable to return to sleep

_________________________________________

Post-EW Injuries

At the end of Endwalker the WoL is so badly injured they nearly die, and Ro is no different. While he is saved by his friends, nobody on the ship is a chirurgeon and so for big injuries that require surgery he is forced to wait. The following are his worst injuries that could not be fixed through healing magic alone and therefore leave symptoms that only further convince him to retire as the Warrior of Light.

Kienbock Disease: A disease in which bloodflow to one or more of the small bones in the wrist is disrupted and causes the bone to die. His symptoms include pain in the wrist, pain amplified by gripping, difficulty moving the wrist and hand weakness. His left wrist/hand is affected, and while he can still use it he cannot lift heavy objects without struggle and wielding a 2-handed spear is incredibly difficult.

Osteonecrosis (Hip Bone Damage): Painful and progressive damage of the hip joint caused by lack of bloodflow. This was caused by a fractured hip that could not be surgically fixed until reaching Old Sharlayan. His symptoms include severe and worsening pain in the hip and groin area, thigh pain, deep and throbbing hip pain and pain in the knee. Due to pain, he now has a deep limp and occasionally walks with a cane.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: A disorder causing sudden lack of energy that is made worse by physical or mental activity but does not recover from rest. Originally believed to be from a lack of sleep, he realizes later after 8 months of consistent fatigue that it is something else entirely. Suspected to be cause by stress and extreme physical trauma his symptoms include fatigue, problems with memory and concentration, dizziness that worsens when moving from lying down or sitting up and standing, unrefreshing sleep and extreme exhaustion after physical and/or mental activity.

In only one verse Rothalion does not retire after Endwalker, although he still suffers the same disorders and injuries. In such a verse he goes out of his way to put himself through physical therapy far more than in his other verses, and while his stamina is not the same as it used to be he does manage to make a nearly full recovery.

[0veil-ablaze0]

Okay I think it's time I fulfill my promise.

Mechamato: Human's Legacy

Yes, this is the name of the Netflix reebot. Why? Bc I decided that it's going to take place in a YA Dystopian Novel Future shit thing bc futuristic robots in the 1960s?! Blasphemy, blasphemy I say!!!1!1!1!1!!

Anyways onto the casting:

Amato: Lonely tech geek where no one really like him bc of his association with robots and stuff, but isn't really treated well either by the upper-class. Does his shit in secret.

Deep: Again, black. Is it really hard to get the correct race for South Asian characters? Apparently yes. Is now Amato's bestie not after well, uh, some 'Hey, I'm not a bad guy'/'This guy isn't so bad' moment.

Mara: I can't believe I'm slaughtering another queen. Okay, I have two options for her.

1. She's still everything that is Mara, but she lost her independency and tomboyishness.

2. Just make her dark skinned bc god forbids a disabled and/or a muslim person is independent, also make her treat Amato and Deep like shit bc ew, m e n. Bonus points if she happens to be lesbian.

Pian: No longer chubby and short and overall friend shaped. He's also the bully since he, as a source material, is actually white/white-passing.

Mechabot: Is there, but isn't sentient/have a free will/personality. Just think of F.R.I.D.A.Y. w Ironman.

Aba: Strict, aggressive father who forbids tomato with his mechanic/inventor habits. (I am sorry Aba enjoyers, but I must)

Umi: Is probably dying at this point.

Now for the Amatoboi content..... Generational Trauma, that's it. Amato traumatize Boi w the superhero shit.

[netheritenugget]

The Dream SMP Mind Control Problem: How Mind Control Sucks But Also Doesn’t

I like the theory that the reason Technoblade is violent is because the Egg is the Blood God, and he can always hear it demanding to be fed.  But only to a degree.  I like the idea better that his disdain for organized government, and his desire for freedom, is a completely different character trait unrelated to The Egg.

Because his character's deepest wish has always been absolute freedom from the control of others.  And to blame his violent efforts to achieve it on the Egg’s mind control kinda cheapens that (not to mention it also retcons Chat being the canon reason he’s violent, which was much cooler).  Especially since The Egg has entirely different values than Technoblade does.  It’s definitely not in favor of individual freedom.  I want to see Technoblade change his ways by his own choices, not get de-Egged and suddenly say "The Egg made me do it.  Heated gamer moment ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ " It would be much more compelling to watch him vanquish his inner demons of his own will.

Likewise, having a character, through his own agency, reduce a nation to a smouldering crater in the ground in revenge for an attempted execution, is far more interesting and compelling to me than just having his excuse be "Egg bloodlust" and then have everyone forgive him.  It’s a cheap way to make him everyone’s friend again.  I don’t think content creator Technoblade would appreciate this decision being made for him in the narrative.

Which is also basically my opinion on whether or not I like the theory that Dream is still possessed by a Dreamon. It kinda pulls the rug out from under the story, because it's always been about black and gray morality, and people being the cause of conflict, not the supernatural. Adding dreamons to the mix changes the biggest moral from "power corrupts and nations fall, the only universal language that can save us all is love" to "we just needed to yeet the Dreamon out of the Big Bad and we achieved world peace.  Poggers."

Let's talk about the narrative can of worms that is dreamon possession, while we're at it, because I have similar opinions to the Technoblade Egg Theory: mind control as an excuse is cheap, if used to solve problems.

Perhaps the writers found a way to write this anyway that made sense. Perhaps Dream really is possessed, and Good Dream is still in there.  Perhaps every single evil action he's done since the Dreamon Hunters episodes Fundy and Tubbo made was because of the dreamon.  Perhaps Dream didn't want to break Wilbur, gaslight Tommy, manipulate Tubbo, threaten to kill Tubbo, and do...  Whatever the heck he's doing to Ranboo's poor brain at the moment.

What then?

If it's done right and Dream gets a sufficiently difficult redemption arc, (🤢 Ew, Dream redemption arc...) it's still kinda...  Awkward to expect other people to forgive him immediately.  How is everyone going to feel about the trauma he caused while possessed?  Even if he’s a genuinely nice person, that won’t bring L’Manberg back, and he shares a face with the dreamon that did that to them.  Being nice won’t fix what he did to Sapnap and George, Tommy and Ranboo, and poor Wilbur Soot.  Are we ever going to be 100% sure he was never in control over himself?  Are we, the audience who hated him, supposed to pretend nothing happened and let it go just because Dream is good now?  That sounds suspiciously convenient and unfair, and I think the other characters would think the same thing.  It sounds like it could be an interesting source of drama, having them try to blame exorcised!Dream for the things his dreamon did, much like how people projected their frustration onto Ghostbur in the beginning.  I kinda want to read a fanfic about that.  But I don't want to watch it in canon.

So I'm gonna assume you think I hate mind control.  No.  I do not.  I actually quite like the version of mind control that Badboyhalo has been writing so far, because it's really interesting in how it meshes with the previous storyline.

Badboyhalo is a very different villain than Dream and Technoblade.  Because in some ways, this is an entirely new storyline.  It is allowed to have a completely different antagonist and moral to the story.

Bad as an antagonist and the main script writer, is still managing to carry over some of the same "power corrupts, love is stronger" message while also being brainwashed, because he’s managed to choose both sides of the coin.  Bad himself told Quackity that after he shook the initial brainwashing, he didn’t want to go back to the Egg, he hasn’t wanted to be the Egg’s minion since he figured out he was being manipulated.  But he made a conscious decision to go back to The Egg, in hopes that it can help him save his Skeppy.  Because his love for Skeppy was more important than the SMP, his own humanity, and himself.

Which means his current mind controlled state is not being used as an excuse for getting him back on everyone’s good side, it’s a consequence of his frantic attempts to get Skeppy back to normal again.  He is choosing to hurt people because Skeppy and what The Egg promised him are fundamentally more important to him. And even if he were theoretically no longer brainwashed, he might just go right back to The Egg anyway if he still thought it could get him Skeppy back.  Now that is some tragedy!

Is what I’m saying clear?  That the way The Egg operates with Bad’s core values as a character is more narratively compelling because of how it was set up, instead of being used as an excuse for villain insanity? How Technoblade and Dream's characters are people with their own free will, and it's more interesting that way?

Food for thought I guess.

[brave-clarice]

“Clarice” Liveblog: Episodes 5 & 6

Since these are extraordinarily late, I tried to keep them more concise/focused than before. I’m sorry for how long it’s taken me to (almost) catch up. And to the handful of you who’ve enjoyed these and encouraged me to do them: thank you!

Episode 5, “Get Right With God”

the music at the beginning of this episode might just be in the maintenance guy’s headphones(!) but it was still a…Choice.

there’s something so tragic about watching Clarice be unable to use her legs… :’(

this whole scenario feels like a twisted parallel universe version of the end of Hannibal.

glad to see Ardelia finally has her priorities straight and is going to fight for her best friend! let’s forget her Episode 4 subplot ever happened.

good: the warrior finding a weapon even in the direst of circumstances!

bad: those damn moths are back. at least this time they might be drug-induced.

“she worked Bill alone” no, she didn’t. not really. (Hannibal: I’m right here.)

stop trying to make Likable Paul happen, it’s never going to happen!!!

I HATE the “Reesey” nickname, y’all. HATE. IT.

plus, we know that her dad called her “Baby”?

her father’s appearance doubles down on the end-of-Hannibal vibes...Not Sure If Want.

wow, Clarice is being literally tortured? thanks, I hate it!!!

really doubt that Clarice’s Pinto used to belong to her father (who drives a truck in the books??)... weird flex.

and how would she even have gotten it? her mother would either have driven that car into the ground out of necessity or else have sold it for the money the Starlings needed so desperately.

Pintos also weren’t super high-quality cars and were definitely not built to last ~20 years.

Clarice already being able to chat with her father whenever she needs to really undermines the therapy Hannibal will eventually give her, but…I guess they’ve already accepted they’ll never make it that far?

“you’re trying to get in my head” yeah, and she’s doing it, too–’cause she learned from the best!

“you get an answer, I get an answer, Felker.” she’s Hannibal’s girl all right.

this episode’s had flashes of brilliance before diving back into…whatever tf watching one of your favorite characters of all time being tortured is.

I really wanted Ardelia to say that no, but Clarice was like a sister to her.

it took FIVE episodes to get some lamb imagery, but we’ve been looking at moths for the entire season?!

oof, Clarice voicing her own insecurities about her childhood abandonment and using them to twist Felker’s arm...painful but smart.

HANNAH!!!

I would die 4 baby Clarice

after all that, Clarice is going to apologize to Ardelia about last week? this episode SUCKS.

Good: Clarice playing mind games with Felker like Hannibal did to her; Ardelia going to bat for her bestie, lamb flashbacks, baby Clarice, and HANNAH!

Bad: So much. Clarice being medically tortured multiple times, moth hallucinations, the several-years-premature (imo) Daddy-as-Guardian-Angel plot device, “Reesey”...did I mention Clarice getting repeatedly tortured?!

Ugly: Krendler backstory + making out with his wife. Ew.

Wow, this episode was a hot mess, and I kind of hated it. I loved Clarice’s really Hannibalesque approach to Felker, and I’m so thrilled that Hannah got mentioned at all (tho...did they need to be so heavy-handed with the helmet and gun and everything?) Also nice to see Ardelia behaving much more in-character. That said, it was sickening and imo totally unnecessary to further traumatize Clarice the way they did. To make her almost helpless.

Clarice, and by extension Rebecca Breeds (who is fantastic and deserves better), has been given very little range so far. She’s frequently been shown as miserable, afraid, desperate, traumatized, angry, resentful, but I also want to see her joyful, laughing, silly, relaxed...something else that will give her depth. Her life wasn’t miserable 24/7, 365. It was just unfulfilling. We got glimpses of this in the first two episodes. PLEASE bring it back!

And rn I’m questioning how Clarice’s career can possibly drag on for another six years after this. Her apparent PTSD is already interfering with her job performance as it is--this experience is only going to make it worse. Her “body count” in Hannibal was around five, iirc, and that was enough to slap her with the “Death Angel” moniker. In the show at least four people have died in close proximity to Clarice in the space of like...a week. How does she come back from that, even as the savior of Catherine Martin? It’s a PR nightmare for obth Clarice and the FBI.

They’ve also sort of forgotten that the Martins existed while continuing to flesh out Krendler’s (?!) character? It’s weird.

I almost don’t even want to watch Episode 6 after that. But here goes...

Episode 6, “How Does It Feel to Be So Beautiful?”

the freaking MOTHS again, I hate them!

frankly, yeah, Clarice should be on leave.

Clarice’s nondescript monochrome suits and constant ponytail are just so boring. in the book she’s described as never having to put effort into making her hair look good--so why is it always pulled back in this show?

I’m not sure it’s very in-character for Clarice, at this point in her career, to go over her boss’s head to get out of admin leave (one she really needs to take tbh) even for the sake of solving a case

lol what the actual hell @ AG Martin guilt-tripping Clarice, who was very recently tortured and almost died, for not calling Catherine back? Clarice is not Catherine’s therapist!

THIS is what my Vogue-reading heroine with burgeoning great taste wears for a night out? so disappointing.

never in my life did I think I’d be sitting through Krendler’s personal drama in a show ABOUT CLARICE STARLING.

her costume sucks and her hairstyle’s from years in the future, but dang does Clarice look gorgeous.

and I love thinking of her getting a taste of the luxury she’ll enjoy with Hannibal. :)

you know what? I think I was actually fine with them forgetting that the Martins were in this show.

whyyy is Krendler being made so sympathetic?!

now Catherine Martin “loved to sew” just like Frederica Bimmel? hmm. (tbf, maybe this is in the novel, and I’ve just forgotten.)

her gift for Clarice is sweet, though.

so beautiful, indeed

Christ on a cracker, that confrontation between the Martins was painful to watch (not a criticism). this show’s AG and her daughter are very much two of a kind in terms of emotional manipulation.

I stan one (1) doofus

now either Catherine’s gaslighting Clarice...or Clarice’s trauma (over BILL! again with this!) is so pervasive that it’s twisted her memories. either way, I hate it.

so Krendler’s lawyer is dirty and that’s why he’ll (probably) turn against Clarice? but WHY? why can’t Krendler just suck?

Good: Clarice looking gorgeous, Ardelia continuing to fight for Clarice, female characters in positions of authority everywhere

Bad: Clarice’s underwhelming costumes, Clarice’s primary/worst trauma apparently STILL being Buffalo Bill & having Clarice break down crying again (and NOT over what happened last week, which would tbh make a lot more sense).

Sad: Shaan’s backstory about his wife, everything involving Catherine

Ugly: Krendler subplot. Ugh.

I just don’t know how I feel about this installment. Wish I cared more about the overarching conspiracy plot, but I’m really only here for Clarice and Ardelia. And while no show can stand on the shoulders of a single character, for a show about Clarice, there seems to be quite a bit of screentime devoted to her bosses, Martin and Krendler, and even to her team members. And all without Clarice herself getting much character development. They don’t seem to be exploring much of her character other than her traumatic backstories, and I’m no longer very hopeful that she’ll be much more fleshed out in the last four episodes, either. It’s a bummer. I really think Rebecca could shine like Jodie did if she were given a chance.

Most of the scenes with the Martins were visceral and felt so real that it was hard to watch. That said...the AG Martin/Catherine content all strikes me as being somewhat detached from the rest of the show, as if the writers are making it up as they go along with no real end goal in mind.

Man...these two were rough going. Very little humor or warmth and absolutely no joy. Of course the source material is dark, so a somewhat dark crime drama is to be expected, but I really think the show needs a slightly less intense, bleak and (dare I say it?) unpleasant episode. But they writers have really dug themselves into a hole by zeroing in on Clarice’s PTSD. And unlike in Hannibal, there’s no love interest with whom she (and by extension, the audience) can flee her misery and pain. 

I'm cautiously optimistic about the rest of the season. A lot of the ingredients are there, and despite my many criticisms, it’s been great to spend time with a character I love. Fingers crossed that they finish strong!

[segafan37]

Shadamy Snippets: Pain, Pain, Go Away

[Amy's POV]

Wet. Cold. I'm wet and cold.

My teeth chattered, and my body shook from the freezing temperatures that seemed to only surround me. Despite my body's protests, I quickened my pace. The ominous sound of heel meeting tile echoed behind me, but I shook the fear away and kept moving.

I can't look back. I can't face it now. My only mission was to get to warmth... And far. Away. From her.

I slammed the door unintentionally, but I didn't care much. Leaning my back against the door, I sighed a breath of relief.

"What a day." I moaned.

I dully looked about my apartment, then eyed my reflection being displayed from the mirror at the end of the hall. My hair, clothes, face, and body were drenched. My schoolbag, which I just registered was being smothered under my grip, was just as wet. I relaxed my hand and took a peek inside it. Thankfully, its contents were dry.

I sighed, with another moan.

"I am never going to listen to the morning forecast, again!"

I slouched to the floor as the events leading up to my unfortunate state kept playing over and over in my mind.

~ FLASHBACK ~

After chatting it up with Shadow, I had decided to take the bus home. A light rain had begun to fall when I had entered the bus. I didn't think much of it though. I just took a seat next to a window and watched the rain descend.

As I sat further into my seat, a foul smell reached my nose. My face turned up, and I quickly covered it, not at all being discreet. I tried to search for the source of the stench and soon realized it was coming from the purple fabric that covered my chair!

I turned in my seat to study the fabric closer and saw a large outline of an old stain. I cringed. I had a good sniffer and accidentally got a whiff of it too.

It smelled like a mixture of rotten tuna fish and BO. EW!! I was horrified. More trauma occurred when I realized the ends of my hair had just rested on that spot.

Quickly, I collected my belongings and went to take a seat on the other side of the bus. I wrapped my hair up into a tight bun and gazed at my old seat. I shuddered in disgust.

I can't wait to get my own vehicle!

The rain turned into a heavy downpour, as I settled into my new quarters. My stop was three blocks away from my apartment. I had no umbrella or jacket, and I knew if I didn't hustle, I would be soaked to the bone. Once the bus came to my stop, I moved as fast as my legs would allow, but it wasn't enough to prevent my current state.

Since our elevator stopped working, I had to use the stairwell and walk up the many flights to my apartment floor. I shivered and grumbled all the way there, only stopping to give a gloomy "Hey" or an occasional "Hi" to passersbys.

My attitude quickly changed when I felt her presence. I kept myself at a steady pace, not daring to look down at the person a few flights behind me.

I could feel her eyes piercing into me and sending all kinds of negative emotions. I was relieved when I reached my floor and my apartment, which laid at the end of the hall. When I was just entering my home, I could hear the stairwell door opening.

~ END OF FLASHBACK ~

"Well, at least she can't hurt me in here." I resolved.

Wow. That was pathetic, but I didn't care. It was the only thing that was keeping me happy.

I clenched my teeth, trying to control my chattering. I still hadn't gotten warm yet. I wondered what would be the fastest way for me to get warm. I hugged myself and looked about my home as if the answer was hidden amongst my belongings.

Maybe I should make some tea and stand by the fireplace? On second thought, a mocha sounds better! But hot chocolate is faster... Or perhaps I should take a shower?

A faint sound of a door slamming a few apartments down came to my ears. From where I crouched, I could hear yelling. It was hard to make out, but I could just interpret some of their conversation.

"That's it! I want that woman out of this apartment!"

"Martha, what's wrong!?"

"I've had it with her, John! I'm calling Jasmine. She needs to go!"

I leaned the back of my head against my door and groaned, gazing up at the ceiling.

Seriously! Now, she's trying to get her cousin to throw me out!? How could she do this to me! Wasn't her tongue lashing enough!?

I closed my eyes, as the balls of my fists tightened. I wanted a memory wipe; to forget everything that had happened, but I couldn't stop thinking about that horrible woman!

I sighed. How could a day so good, turn so wrong!?

An unpleasant smell reached my nose, and I realized that it was coming from me.

Yeah, I'll go for the shower.

With a huff, I slipped off my boots and socks, leaving them at the entrance with my schoolbag, and headed towards my bedroom.

Water dripped off my face and clothes, as I stumbled through my bedroom door. My once tight bun was now lop-sided and unraveling, and a mixture of rain, sweat, and stinky feet fumed from my body. I was a complete mess! I moaned again.

My conscious noted that I was doing a lot of that lately, to which I replied with an eye roll and another moan.

Do you really think that doing that will help you? My conscious questioned. If anything, you should go talk to her and get some closure instead of moaning and -

"Fine! Alright, already!" I conceded, silencing my little voice, and walked away into my bathroom. "I'll talk with her. But later."

I turned on the shower, and heated vapors soon filled the room. Steam engulfed me, as warm droplets washed away my pain. I closed my eyes and inhaled the warm steam, as my mind slowly brought me back.

I could see myself standing on the stage greeted by a roaring applause. My friends' whoops and cheers above them all! The initial shock I had, when my friends told me of the live-stream video they did, and the crazy comments towards Sonic. There was also my chance encounter with Shadow and the lovely chat we had! He actually gave me a lot to think about...

I even had a peaceful moment on the bus listening to the rain, before I discovered the stench. A chuckle escaped my lips. That was kind of funny now that I think about it.

I opened my eyes, still daydreaming. The shower water reminded me of the raindrops that trailed down my passenger window. I could just hear them, beating against the roof of the bus.

I didn't mind the rain. Some people thought of it as a bad thing or a nuisance, but I liked it... if I didn't get caught in it.

These were good memories. The right ones to think about. Everything was perfect! Then the heavy downpour came and her along with it.

I thought of how she approached me. Her face showed nothing but self-righteousness and reproach, and her eyes were full of hatred towards me. But for what! I never did anything to her, except exist! She thinks I'm the villain in this story, but I'm not!

Our conversation was short, but her words pierced like a knife!

To think my husband and I thought you were a decent young lady! We trusted you, brought you into our home, fed you! Thinking that we were being hospitable to a sweet young lady. All the while, we were being tricked by your pretty little face!.. and sadly, your little plan worked. But we see you for who you are now... a cunning, deceitful, little temptress!

.

.

.

Excerpt from Shadamy fanfic “12 Years Later: A New Dawn”. YOu can read the rest of this chapter and more on Wattpad, DeviantArt, Quotev, or Webnovel.

[sentient-stove]

Cartilage

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Virgil, Patton, Remy, Roman, Logan, Emile

Relationships: Roman/Remy/Emile, Familial Analogical, Familial Princxiety

Additional tags: hospitals, human au, autistic virgil, therapist emile, car accidents.

TW: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH

Summary: Roman finds a teen during a traumatic event.  He adopts him basically.

Word Count: 2914

Notes: I didn’t kill virgil this time. (I have track record of doing that)

AO3

“Prince, we need a nurse in trauma room one, go!”

Roman looked up and nodded, speed walking to the trauma room, running into an anesthesiologist, who was flipping through a tablet.

“Do you know who’s in there?”

“No, but there was a bad wreck on I-37, father and son are coming in, it should be one of them.”  She turned.  

Roman nodded and they broke apart, with her heading to the other trauma room and Roman going to wash and put on the sterilized gear.  He was getting inside the room right as two paramedics came wheeling in a teen on a stretcher.

“Fractured ribs and possible collapsed lung, he’ll need surgery.”  One said and Roman nodded, helping transfer him to the table.

The room was dead silent as nurses and doctors worked, Roman quietly helping as the lung was reinflated and they stitched up a few smaller cuts on his face and chest.

When it was all over, Roman helped transfer him into a room.

“What’s his name?”

“Virgil Alt, fourteen.”  The other nurse said as he wrote it down and placed the clipboard in it’s holder at the edge of the bed.  “His father died while in surgery.”

Roman looked at the small body, swamped by machines and bandages.   “Poor thing.”

“CPS will probably be here once he wakes up…”  The nurse trailed off.  

…

Two hours earlier

“Dad?”

“Yes Virgil?” “Isn’t it kinda dangerous to be driving in the snow?  I mean, we did have a snow day because of it.”  Virgil looked up from his seat on the passenger side.

Logan sighed.  “We’ve talked over this before.  The roads have been cleared now, and I wouldn’t be taking us anywhere if I wasn’t absolutely certain that we would be in danger.”

Virgil nodded and turned the radio on.  “Sorry for being nervous.”

“It’s perfectly fine to show concern.  It is late at night and there has been an increase in car accidents.”

Virgil hummed and pulled a rubix cube from his hoodie, relaxing as Logan snuck a glance at his son.

“I love you Virgil.”

“I know Dad, you get so sappy at the most random times.”  Virgil didn’t look up at his cube and Logan smiled before returning his gaze to the road.

Sure, it was dark and late, but they would be fine.

Unfortunately the semi that hit the patch of black ice would prove otherwise.

...

Roman got home around midnight, quietly creeping to the bedroom that he shared with his husbands, being careful as he got changed out of his scrubs and climbed into bed to join Remy and Emile.

Both were already asleep, thankfully, Roman hated it when they waited up for him and so he threw an arm over Remy and pulled the comforter back over him as his breathing settled.

Poor kid.  Roman wished that he could get out the thought, he’d seen plenty of people die during his time as a nurse, but this was his first time with a child losing his family.

Hopefully he had another relative that he would wake up to.

…

Virgil woke up in extreme pain, head feeling fuzzy as he attempted to sit up, only to have a hand at his shoulder, gently pushing him back.

“Hey kiddo.  You had a bit of a rough night, so you need to lay back, okay?”

Virgil nodded.  “Where am I?”  He turned his head to see a cheery looking man with curly hair writing something down.

“Hospital.  You got into a bad wreck last night.  We had to fix your lungs and give you some stitches.”

Virgil could vaguely remember last night and he blinked slowly.  “Where’s my dad?”

The man pursed his lips.  “I’m not sure.  Probably in a separate recovery room.  I’ll have to ask around.”

Virgil nodded and settled back.  “Everything hurts.”

“We’ll get you some medicine, okay?”

“Thank you.”

“Just doing my job kiddo.  You’ll be back to normal in no time.”  The man smiled softly.  “I’m Patton.”

“Thank you Patton.”

…

Roman danced around the kitchen, Remy sneaking from his spot on the counter and Emile already sitting at their table, the only one completely ready for the day as he took a drink of his tea.

“I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream!”  Roman sang as he approached Remy and tapped him on the nose.

“Ew babes, you know I hate the mushy stuff.”

“That’s not what you said this morning when you were trying to convince Emile to not get out of bed.”  Roman teased as he turned back to the stove and flipped the French Toast that he was making.

“It was cold!”  Remy complained and Roman gave an easy laugh.

“Sure love.”

Remy stuck out his tongue at him, before moodily picking up his coffee and taking a sip.

“Ro, what shift do you have today?”  Emile called.

“Noon to five.”  Roman put the French Toast on a plate and handed it to Remy, dipping the next two slices of bread into the egg mixture he had.

“I get off at six, should we do a date night tonight?”  Emile looked at the pair and Remy nodded.

“I just have to email a few people and then I’m done with work, so I can do the planning if you guys are okay with that.”

Roman flipped the toast again.  “Sounds great.”

…

Patton sighed quietly once Virgil fell back asleep.   He didn’t want to be the one to break it to the teen that he was alone in the world now.  

Lying to him was wrong, but he didn’t know what else to do.  Patton checked the vitals again before leaving the room, nearly running into a fellow nurse, Roman.

“Hey Popstar!”  Roman smiled at him as he sidestepped and Patton gave him a weak grin back.

“Hey Ro.”

“Is the kid okay?”

“For now, we still haven’t broken the news to him though… I don’t want to be the one to do it.”

Patton sniffed a bit and Roman held out his arms, welcoming the other into his embrace.  “It’ll be alright, he has family to take care of him.”

Patton shook his head.  “No he doesn’t.  It’s just him and his dad.”

Roman exhaled slowly.  “Oh.”

…

Virgil decided that he didn’t like the hospital.  No one was telling him where his dad was, most people just gave him sad looks and said that they didn’t know where he was.

So he took it into his own hands after the nurse left him, saying that she’d be back if he needed anything.

He kicked away the tight sheets and winced as the pain in his ribs flared as he moved to stand.  Virgil didn’t let that deter him though as he pulled the IV along with him, being careful as he detached everything else like how he’d seen the nurse do when she let him have a bathroom break.  Nothing went off, which was good, and Virgil walked unsteadily to the door of his hospital room and pushed it open, the IV rolling next to him.

The hallway was surprisingly empty as the teen wandered down in, looking through the windows of every room as he looked for his father.

“Dad?” Nothing.  Virgil took a deep breath as he turned down another hall, bare feet quiet on the cool floor.  

He was passing another door when a nurse came out, looking startled.  “Hey, what are you doing up little guy?”

Virgil tilted his head to the side.  “Looking for my dad, his name’s Logan Alt and people keep telling me he’s here but not where.”

The nurse’s face crumpled.  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

…

Roman was finishing up with a patient when a scream rocked the floor that he was on, a horrible, heart wrenching thing that clearly communicated that whoever was the source was in pain.

He rushed out into the hall, looking for the source and seeing that one of his coworkers was trying to hold down a thrashing child as the kid screamed.

Not a child.

Virgil.

He must have found out about his father.  Roman hurried over to the other nurse and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“If you keep trying to hold him down, he could collapse a lung again.”

Virgil screamed again as the nurse let go and he curled up into a ball, still sobbing as the screaming died down.  Roman reached out a tentative hand to rest on Virgil’s collarbone.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”   Virgil yelled and Roman recoiled, an apology on his lips as he backtracked in his mind.

Virgil shuddered and let out another sob as a few more nurses entered the hall, seeing the three people on the ground.  Patton was among them and Roman watched as the teen’s eyes locked onto the nurse.

“You lied to me!  You said he was okay!”  Virgil struggled to sit up as he pointed.  “You said “You’ll be back to normal.”  and my dad’s dead now!”

Roman could feel the tension as if it was another person, and Patton’s eyes filled with tears.

“I’m sorry kiddo…”

“STOP!  I DON’T LIKE LIARS!!!”  Virgil screamed and then the solution to the problem practically slapped Roman in the face.

“Virgil.  Look at me.”

The teen let out a shuddering breath and turned his head to Roman, refusing eye contact.  Roman reached out his hands, keeping his palms up.

“We’re gonna count to ten, together okay?”

“I don’t want to…”

“Please?  We need to make sure that you can breathe.  I’ll start.  One.”

“Tt..two.”  Virgil stuttered out as gasping sobs ran through him.  Roman smiled softly.

“Good job.  Three.”

“Four.”

Virgil crawled a bit closer, still avoiding eye contact as he took more breaths.  “Five.”

“Six.”

Virgil placed his hands on top of Roman’s, looking at the wedding band that the man had on.  “Seven.”

“Almost there Virgil.  Eight.”

“Nine.”

“And ten.”  Roman exhaled and gently wrapped his hands around Virgil’s  “Can I help you walk back to your room, I don’t want you to get anymore hurt.”

“Okay…”

Roman helped him stand and then pulled the IV out of his arm carefully.  “Do you want me to hold your hand?”

“Yeah… Really tight though, please?”

“Of course.”  Roman tightly gripped Virgil’s hand.  “Any other touch no’s that we need to know?”

Virgil silently shook his head, and Roman noted that there were still tears streaming down his face as the nurse led him back to his room.  He helped him back into the bed and hooked him up.

“Did you get out yourself?”

“Yeah.”

Roman whistled.  “Impressive kiddo.”

“Don’t call me that.”  Virgil's voice was sharp and Roman nodded.  “It’s okay, I’m sorry.”

“Liar called me that, why did he lie to me?” Roman looked up to see that the teen was making eye contact, storm grey eyes filled with misery and hurt.

“I don’t think that Patton meant to hurt you Virgil.”

Virgil hissed and looked away again, starting to cry again.  “My dad’s not coming back…”

Roman finished with the replacement IV and reached forward to card a soothing hand through Virgil’s hair.  “I’ll make sure that you’re taken care of, promise.  I know that your dad can’t come back, but there’s a lot of people here that care about you.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

…

Emile and Remy both got calls from their husband that he wouldn’t be able to come home in time for the date and that he had something to discuss with them when he did.

Naturally both were concerned and waited up for Roman to return, which he did around eleven thirty, not surprised to see them both on the couch.

“Hey loves.”

“Is everything okay Ro?”  Remy asked as Roman sat down in the beanbag, instead of going to the couch.

“Not really.  Bad work stuff.”

“What happened?”  Emile said as he leaned forward and offered his husband a tissue.

“There was a bad car wreck yesterday night, father and son got plowed off of the road by a semi… Uh, the father died.”

Remy gasped and Roman sniffed, wiping at his tears.  “We were all trying to figure out how to tell him and he didn’t take it well.  I’ve never heard such a heartbreaking scream.  No relatives and he’s slightly autistic and I promised that I’d make sure he was safe. I can’t break that.”  Roman started to cry as Remy and Emile got off the couch, wrapping their husband in a hug as he sobbed.

“Hey, it’s okay.”  Remy soothed as he pressed a kiss to Roman’s hairline.  “We’ll do anything to help, okay?”

Emile nodded.  “If he needs a home, you know that we’ll give him the best one he can get.”

Roman let out a watery laugh.  “Seas and stars, I love you two so damn much.”

“I should hope so, you fucking married me.”  Remy responded.

…

Virgil hated change.

New house, new people feeding him and new smells hit him all at once when Roman finally said he could leave the hospital.

He didn’t like Patton still, but he promised not to hiss at the nurse when he came in anymore.

Some weird lady had led him out of the hospital, saying that she was part of the government and that Virgil could call her ‘mom’ if he wanted to.

He didn’t.

She had taken him to Dad’s and his house, and he had had an hour to pack all of his stuff.

Someone else would take Dad’s stuff, but Virgil had managed to take Dad’s favorite tie and his book collection with him.

Now he was sitting in the lady’s car as she chattered happily about something that he wasn’t paying attention to.

He wanted Dad.  Dad smelled like books and he let Virgil learn about stars and sailor culture, and taught him how to use rubix cubes.

But Dad wasn’t an option anymore.  The lady had told Virgil that there was gonna be a funeral on Saturday and then after that, he was going to meet his new family.

Virgil tucked his head against his chest and quietly let himself cry.

... Emile was nervous as he adjusted his tie and sweater again, looking at the door.

“Babes, con calma, they’re not going to be here for at least another ten minutes.”

It was Saturday afternoon and Roman had gotten a call that Virgil would be arriving with a social worker within the hour and so Emile had made sure that everything was as calming as it could be.

The poor kid, having to go to a funeral and then change houses all in the same day.

There was a knock and Emile surged forward, pausing before he could fling the door open.

“Ro, they’re here!”

“Okay! I’m coming down!” Emile opened the door to see the social worker, with Virgil behind her, slouched over as if he was trying to take up as little space as possible.

“Roman?”  The social worker grinned and Emile let out a nervous laugh.

“Ah no, that’s my husband.  I’m Emile.”

“My apologies.  May we come in?”

Emile turned to the side and let them in, smiling softly at Virgil, who pointedly looked away after making eye contact.

“Roman?”

“Nah, I’m Remy, Roman’s other spouse.  Take a seat on the couch, Roman will be down in a minute.”

Virgil didn’t sit and Emile sat next to Remy as Roman came downstairs, beaming at Virgil.

“Spiderling!”  

Much to the shock of the social worker, Virgil set down his back pack and walked over to Roman, holding up his arms.   The nurse picked up the fourteen year old with ease and hugged him tight.

“I missed you.”

“It’s only been five days, seven hours and thirteen minutes.”  Virgil said back as Roman put him down, although he still clung close.

The social worker cleared her throat.  “You three just need to sign a few papers and then I’ll do monthly check ups to make sure you’re fit to be parents.”

“Thank you.”

…

It wasn’t perfect.

Virgil still held a lot of trauma from what had happened and he had to go to a therapist that wasn’t Emile so that it would be more effective.

But Roman would always admit to crying the first time that Virgil called him Dad.  And even though it was mutually agreed that Logan was always going to be Virgil’s real dad and that he wouldn’t have to feel obligated to call any of his adopted parents that, somehow, over the course of the next year, Virgil warmed up to them.

There were always bad times, and they stopped celebrating Christmas, due to the time of year that the accident happened, but they always made it through.

Remy ended up teaching Virgil about latte art, which became a heavy fixation of their son’s, leading to lots of coffees with too much cinnamon when he messed up, or the most glorious cup you had ever seen depending on if it went well.

Emile and Virgil bonded over Saturday morning cartoons and sugary cereal, and he was the first one that Virgil accidentally called Mom.

Emile liked it and so it stuck.

Roman was the one who spent the most time with Virgil and as the teen grew up, he was grateful to have someone that had spent the time to find out everything he could about Logan, making sure that his Dad wasn’t ever forgotten.  Roman never broke his promise.

He kept Virgil safe.

[leesuhyo]

Let’s talk about trauma.

(TW for trauma, obviously) 

My parents always tell me how I was a quirky and cheerful child when I was little. Now the quirkiness is only there when I fake it. 

I started school at the age of three. Kindergarten was fun, people there was okay. Sometimes they were mean, but it’s fine. I was happy. My teachers were nice.

Timeskip to primary school at six. Initially, I thought people would be the same, since it was the same school and all of my kindergarten friends were there. I thought the teachers would be nice.

They were not. 

You learn quickly to not step out of line, because there would be consequences. If you even whisper in the corridors after assembly, detention for you. If you were even late to school for a minute, you stand next to the stairwell where the whole school gets to look at who is late, even though most people don’t. If you made a mistake, the teacher stands you outside the staffroom, and yells so loudly people in the upper and lower floors could hear. 

Public humiliation was the most common form of punishment. It wasn’t encouraged, but girls can be mean at that age. Gradually peer pressure usually sets the norm. 

If you don’t have a ‘friend group’ you’re weird. 

Soon you learn to avert people’s eyes, even if they don’t have ill intentions. 

You learn to jump whenever a teacher walks too close to you while lining up, because they scrutinise you, and drag whoever’s talking out and give them a severe scolding. 

You learn to run to school, desperately trying not to be late because even if you were late due to traffic, you were still punished 

You learn to fit into the norms, painfully, because your peers laugh at you if you don’t.

 You learn to mistake even light-hearted teasing as scolding, because it usually starts that way. They ask you a rhetoric question, and it spirals into yelling. 

You learn. 

And that’s how the trauma sets in.

Secondary school at twelve. Pretty much nothing changed, except there is more homework, and more classes. More teachers to take note of, who to avoid and who to curry favour with. You learn to manipulate teachers to your favour, until you’re their favourite student. Even though you hate their subject. 

You then learn more about the world. But not the right way, because this is a Catholic school. You learn that homosexuality is a sin. That mental illnesses exist, but they’re bad. That the internet is dangerous. That swearing is bad. And so on.

You also learn that boys are weird, because this was a girl’s school and there were no men, except for male teachers. Your classmates say all sorts of strange things about boys. They’re weird, but they’re cute. Going to after-school tutorial classes with students from that boys’ school down that road makes you feel weird, and you feel instinctively defensive despite them not looking at you. 

Sixteen. First year of public exams. You sleep at 2am, drag yourself out of bed at 7am to arrive at school at 8am. You’re tired all the time, but your peers are tired all the time too. I slept at 1am. Oh yeah? Well I slept at 2am. The continued toxic cycle of bad habits. 

The only source of happiness around you comes from your favourite singer, because back then you’re struggling to find friends after your best friend transferred schools due to her depression. You try to write down a list of reasons of why you liked him to remember how to feel. Ew, what are you doing? 100 reasons why I like ____? That’s so creepy. You stay silent, turn a new page, and continue writing stories to drown out the maths lecture going on. 

You start healing a little when you were sixteen. You start to get angry at social issues, and managed to find your own group of misfits who doesn’t want to follow the norm. You start to feel at home at your drama group, where you applied for, out of a leap of faith. 

Do you want to study overseas? 

Seventeen. Your mother suggested for you to study overseas, and you don’t want to, because you only just found your friends. But you don’t have a choice, because your old school doesn’t have the only subject you’re good at. You found out later through a scolding in the corridor by the headmistress that in fact, they did have that subject after you applied for it, and you’re a traitor for ‘betraying the school’s trust’. 

Seventeen. You start studying at a new school in another country twelve hours’ flight from home, a new environment. And you’re panicking because you had arrived two weeks late and everyone has friends. You throw yourself into your schoolwork to distract yourself from the creeping depression, and stay close to the teachers. You avoid your classmates, girls who seemed so much confident of themselves and boys. Suddenly your determined plan to make a new role for yourself seem insignificant. 

And then one of the girls started approaching you. You feel wary because your past experience taught you girls cannot be trusted. But she was friendly, and you decided to get a little closer. Nonetheless, your only trusted figure is your house parent, who is so kind as to stay behind every night to listen to your crying and ranting. 

Halfway through the year. Your older cousin, an established and popular prefect at the school, became one of your topic starters and you decided to let your guard down a little. You’re still wary of the group of girls who were first introduced to you though, because they wear makeup, they were interested in fashion, they were girly and popular, people your past experience had taught not to associate with. 

(You also learn that the teachers are nice. They aren’t strict authority figures, and were bewildered why you didn’t go to them for help when you needed it, because you learnt to keep quiet and just power your way through things. You slowly learn to stop flinching at a raised voice, and even found your teachers for insignificant things. Staying behind to talk about his favourite book, for example.) 

Christmas came, and you became reluctant to leave the school to your parents. After Christmas break though, you were reluctant to go back to the school because you had no friends. Nonetheless you went back, and made new friends in the year above you. You slowly grow back into the community and even laughed with your new friends. 

And then your house parent told you she’s changing jobs. You cried a lot, but she promised to write. She tells you to seek out one of the school nurses. You did. To this day she’s still your confidant. 

Then coronavirus struck. Your closest friend decided not to go back, because her parents were afraid of her staying in a high-risk country. You throw yourself into prepping for your university applications, because that’s the only goal in front of you now. 

It was announced prefects were being chosen. In your old school leadership positions were widely sought after and considered a badge of honour, so you try to take on as many as possible. The teachers told you it was a bad idea, but you did it anyways. It was only later you realised, the responsibility attached was more than the honour it gives. 

(You weren’t chosen for prefect, but it was okay. The teacher was biased anyways)

September 2020. Coronavirus is still an issue, but you decided to go back to school. You were still afraid, but you had friends ( - acquaintances, really) and a few valuable leadership positions that gives you a purpose. You steel yourself anyways, because the dormitory you were about to move into don’t have any of your old friends. 

October 2020. You have new friends. You managed to piece your life together, and for the first time, you actually have a decent social life. But beneath the facade, you’re still afraid. You’re still nervous. You’re still afraid of getting close to people, because what if they abandon you?  

But it didn’t matter. You’re healing.