“Dear stranger (Donna)”
Donna Beneviento x Reader (gif ©noxdivina)
cw :: smoking || mentions of self-h#rm || scars || unhealthy coping mechanisms’ more like it || height place phenomenon
howdy this gay is back in time for pride month (not really) just a little comfort fic i wrote for myself really. hugs from donna is not a want but a need rn 😭
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The cigarette smoke is bitter, leaving a pleasant burn on the back of your throat as you take a deep inhale. For a while, you hold your breath, allowing the chemicals to spread through your lungs before puffing it out of your lips eventually. Your neck, meanwhile, is bared to the sky, eyes lazily roaming over grey clouds of varying shades.
A mindless fingertip is tracing the silver lines along the length of your forearm. Another drag of the cigarette brings a chuckle to your lips, and the sound is dry and deprecating even to your own ears. Smoking is an awful habit, that you fully understand. But at the same time, it is undeniably cathartic. It was either that or a blade to the flesh. In no way do you wish to die, although you would not terribly mind dying. You cannot deny however that you do revel in the sensation of blood blooming on your skin, and in pain, you find euphoria.
With another hearty inhale, the cigarette bud slips through your fingers to be reunited with its fellow friends that have already met their untimely demise beneath your well-worn boots. You are tired, so so tired. Tired of the strangers that call themselves your family, tired of yourself for being so emotionally weak, for actively ruining yourself under the guise of release, tired for your mother’s stead for she has to listen to her brother and sister nitpicking about her daughter on top of handling incessant chores.
In this god-forsaken world, you have learnt that no one else can be as caring and tolerating as your parents, and you appreciate them for it. At least, your parents are endlessly loving which in itself is a luxury that not everyone can afford. You love them, oh how you love them, but you also hate yourself, for their only child ends up being a damaged goods.
At the moment, you do not have a clue where in the world you are, having wandered wherever your feet have been carrying you. A glance around reveals nothing much obscured as it is by thick fog. There is a rush of water somewhere below, and you conclude you must be standing atop a cliff with a waterfall. Sighing, you kick the cigarette buds off the edge, and it looks tempting, liberating: the way they plummet down the misty abyss. A sudden urge to throw yourself off the cliff comes with a vengeance, and it does not help that nicotine has you slightly tipsy, the world around you spinning as you wobble on your legs.
And then, before you know it, you are being pulled into a body, held close to a chest by an encirclement of arms around your back. A delightful aroma journeys up your nose as soon as your cheek collides with black fabric. It is soft to the touch, and smells faintly of tea that is quickly overshadowed by a soothing blend of jasmine and sandalwood. You cannot help but steal a generous inhale. The smoothness of jasmine certainly is a lovely complement to the spiciness of sandalwood.
“Don’t, please. I can’t let you.”
The soft spoken words are uttered by a voice that is charmingly deep, carried to you by a gentle breeze that tickles your exposed nape. A hint of desperation is discernible in her quiet murmur, and the gentleness of it wildly contracts with the cage of arms whose tightness around you becomes nearly unbearable. It is oddly calming, freeing despite the confinement, and the realisation is as much a relief as it is a surprise.
What you have been needing after all is to be embraced, to be comforted, to feel wanted, and how ironic it is that your salvation is found within the arms of a stranger. No questions are asked. You find no strangeness in her actions. Nor does your mind feel stable enough to deem it necessary to compose yourself. The dam breaks, and you fall apart. Burying your face in the chest of this black-cladded stranger while hugging her close to yourself, you cry, oh how you cry, loud, miserable sobs spilling forth your lips as you grab fistful of her dress.
When the body in your arms tenses in an uncomfortable way, you are too far gone to notice, and so too when the arms around your body suddenly lose their bravado. Regardless of the hesitation, you are met with no hands that are forcing you away from her. Only after a moment or two when your tears do not cease does a kind hand find the crown of your head.
Tentatively, placatingly, gentle fingers stroke your hair. You adjust in the hold of your salvation only to be met with even more dark fabric. Through a haze of tears, you regard the veiled woman with curiosity, occasional bouts of hiccuping sobs accompanying your otherwise silent scrutiny.
“You-”
A calloused pad of a thumb that gingerly follows a tear track elicits a sigh from you, and then, the same palm is cradling your cheek, the coolness of which is desirable against your feverish skin. Along with a flex of her fingers on your back, the veil goes aflutter right beneath where her nose is supposed to be when you decide to rest your chin between the junction of her collarbones. No sooner does the hand on your cheek go to cover your eyes than you go boneless in her arms. Your nose meanwhile is tickled by a saccharinely sweet scent that smells both floral and vaguely herbal.
And then, you blink.
And suddenly, the world goes dark.
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No one will be safe over this post because I will actually be insane over the fact Leon has canonically religion trauma and I will force you to read my hc's. Someone on twitter has been translating the Japanese version of the Vendetta book and it was talked about Leon will quote bible verses on long stakeouts out of boredom before getting mad at himself for it. (Here's the link to the translation)
So, let's begin.
Leon was 100% a perfect little Christian boy, and I have a gut wrenching feeling his father was either a priest or a deacon. Either way, Leon was a good boy and everyone loved him. I like to really think his faith in God immediately dropped when he arrived at the gas station in RE2r because he would go: "What the—" almost like he's never cursed before.
Like every religious kid, you knew cursing was a huge no-no and maybe Leon had fear in it still as he suffered through unimaginable hell. I wouldn't doubt Leon had a continuous train of thought of: "Why would God...?" and "But God is supposed to—" because that's what he was taught from day one. So, Leon losing faith in all humanity and God, there's a reason why he turns that way years later in 2013 to binge on alcohol.
Though, the idea of Leon being bored on long stakeouts to quote the bible and recalling memories of perhaps Sunday school and youth group, makes him only that pissed off because it used to be normal. Leons' life was normal once and I don't doubt that bothers him.
But this trails into RE6, the little note of Leon expressing his regrets of not ending his life back in 1998. I wouldn't doubt Leon has a lot of things to say to God, let alone, talking about his anger to God. He had valid reasons to feel this way, valid thoughts of "Why would God treat us like this if He cared?".
Younger Leon was still learning new things because he'll have that religious mindset for a while. (Perhaps in the middle of RE2 and 4) I like to think back in 2 Claire definitely noticed it first when he would awkwardly go "...Dammit" or something. It would make her giggle at it, hearing him use bigger curse words through the trauma, finally loosening up on God and the commandments.
Moving on, Leon wholeheartedly despises his religious background and avoids talking about it like the Incident. I believe when he's in those life threatening situations of almost dying he would go on a rant of a prayer.
"God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so scared, don't let me die I promise I'll change. Please, forgive me."
Though, when he miraculously lives, he shoves it under the rug until he lies in bed recounting those moments on his fingers as he falls asleep.
Leon lying in bed at night recalling himself begging to God to save him bothers his subconscious more than it should. Wonder if binging the alcohol was a good idea, using God's name in vain, so on. It 100% keeps him awake at night, feeling the hot waves of guilt of disappointing God like this. Maybe, just maybe, Leon would visit a church once in a blue moon to clean his slate.
Standing in the back of the crowd on a Sunday morning, just some dude wearing a leather jacket in blue jeans watching these people sing and praise their God with blood on their hands from their own sins. Just maybe, it makes Leon feel like filth standing there and stressing he'll burst into flames for what he's done in the past 20-something years. The trauma will never leave him and he knows that, accepting that it'll follow him even into the grave.
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