#everyone wish my partner a hbd NOW!!!!!!!!!!

[hedonicghost]

💜 qoSlIj DatIvjaj, vIre'ya' (@freylaverse)!!!! 💚

[punkduncan]

There are 365 days in a year, and yes, I get to celebrate you on all of those other 364 days @midnightontheearth but today especially is the day where I get to spoil you rotten even though you tell me not to and show you just how much you really mean to me, my beautiful, vivacious, forever partner in crime.

It seems cruel that we’ve had to spend the majority of the year apart but there was no way I was ever going to let anything keep me away from my clinging koala soulmate on your most special of days this time 🖤 You make every room you enter light up in ways you don’t even realise but I see it. Lift everyone around you up with your generous and caring spirit. You are the Queen of my heart. My spitfire of a dream girl. You make every day better when you’re in it and there will never be enough words for me to properly express how I feel about you, babe and how much you inspire me each and every day that we’re together but I’m trying to today. Even in my wildest dreams I could never imagine myself being this lucky to land someone as passionate and stubborn crazy talented as you are. Not only are you my world but you’re Oliver’s world too and I know if he could he’d be wishing you a Happy Birthday right along with me right now too and thanking you for being the wonderful mom to him that you are. You’re our world, baby girl and this day especially and every day that comes after it I want to give you the world in return.

So HBD from your Scoundrel. Never stop raising hell with me 🖤

[asdfghjklwhaaat]

I posted 682 times in 2021

56 posts created (8%)

626 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 11.2 posts.

I added 15 tags in 2021

#charmie fic - 3 posts

#hbd armie 😚 - 2 posts

#the french dispatch - 2 posts

#armie hammer ure so fine - 2 posts

#i love to take my poems literally - 1 posts

#mirroring - 1 posts

#but ur sister is fine fine - 1 posts

#timmy ilysm - 1 posts

#pauline— the superior chalamet - 1 posts

#saoirse ronan - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 33 characters

#i love to take my poems literally

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

we're all so proud and happy of all your successes and achievements, tim. we celebrate you, now and for years to come. but we also value and appreciate you more and more each day because you support our gentle giant, in ways you know is right at the current time. go shine ✨

60 notes • Posted 2021-10-11 15:12:46 GMT

#4

hair goals tbh

92 notes • Posted 2021-08-27 09:40:59 GMT

#3

Timmy: What do you want for your birthday?

Armie: We've talked about this, I'd rather you spend your hard-earned money on yourself babe.

Timmy: Armie.

Armie: Fine. Just lick me out for dinner.

Timmy: Uh? Okay, I guess? If that's what you want.

Armie: *TAKE! Take me out for dinner.

Armie: I hate this phone

Timmy: I can do both. Lick and take you out for dinner. It's your birthday so your wish is my command :)

Armie: You're not letting this die soon, 'no?

Timmy: Nope. Gonna lick you good for your bday baby.

94 notes • Posted 2021-08-29 09:47:47 GMT

#2

heart eyes, motherfucker

109 notes • Posted 2021-08-30 16:01:25 GMT

#1

hi friends and moots,

Maybe 5 people tops will see this post so I'll brave things out and post it. I never got a lot of interaction anyways hehez. So anyways...

I know most of the ppl in the fandom doesn't know my existence but I've been here since the latter part of 2017. You might see my Tumblr handle from time to time on the timeline because of reblogs (I post funny stuff sometimes!) but that ends there.

I am a silent viewer of everything that has happened and is happening in the fandom. I celebrated during good times, I cried over the worst times. I felt like quitting before but my trust towards Armie and Timmy, as partners and as individuals, is bigger than the battle/s they're fighting. Also, who am I to lose hope when they aren't? I am supposed to hold on when it's tough, not let go.

I'm just posting this to tell you all charmies that I love you guys so much. I never talked personally with all of you but you have been a family to me already thru all the posts we shared over the years about the boys. I appreciate every one of you who never fails to trust the process even how hard it is.

What Armie is facing right now is fucking painful and scary. If I could only offer a hug or anything, I totally would. Not to brag or anything but I'm a good judge of character that's why when this shitshow started early last January, I never once doubted him in my life. I may not know him personally, not interacted with him personally, but over the years, I get to learn how his heart works. And that man owns a heart of gold.

We lose a lot of good people in the fandom too. When someone leaves, there's a part of me that's hurting because there is no guarantee if we are gonna be able to celebrate with them once everything is alright. The group number is getting slimmer but the trust and hope never does and at the end of the day, that is what matters.

My line of thought is messed up so bear with this trashy post, I just hope that everyone who reads this up to this point is having a wonderful and safe day. We got this. The boys got this. I hope I can talk and be close friends with all of you but I don't know how to hold a conversation so I'm just here looking :( anyway, Dance party with you all soon xx

272 notes • Posted 2021-02-15 14:19:15 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[idolish7rabbitchats]

Yuki: 12 SONGS GIFT Rabbit Chat Part 3

100:゜:.。..:*・゜(* ’ U^)ﾉ+。* Congrats Happy Birth Day *。+ \(^U ’ *)゜:.。..:*・゜

100:゜:.。..:*・゜Y☆U☆K☆I゜:.。..:*・゜

100:゜:.。..:*・゜HAPPY BIRTH DAY ゜:.。..:*・゜

3: Yuki-san, Happy Birthday!

7: Happy Birthday Yuki-san!

8: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Yuki-san!

4: Yukirin, HBD!

9: Yuki-san, Happy Birthday.

2: Happy Birthday, Yuki-san.

5: Yuki-san, Happy birthday. I’m looking forward to working with you from now on.

1: Happy Birthday. I hope Yuki-san has a wonderful birthday.

6: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! MISTER YUKI!

10: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Yuki-san!

Anesagi: Yuki, happy birthday!

Okazaki: Yuki-kun, happy birthday!

10000: Yuki, congrats.

1000: Thanks. ^ ^

Okazaki: Thank you for gathering for Yuki-kun!

Okazaki: Takanashi-san, you are good at moving things along so can I leave it to you like last month?

Tsumugi: Got it!

9: Yuki-san, what kind of song did your solo become?

1000: I think it’s a ballad. The title is “Sennen Saki Mo Zutto.”

10: Huh! I’m looking forward to it!

1000: Actually I wanted a line like Yamato-kun.

2: You, still say that? You were saying that every time we met in February.

1000: Cuz it was cool ^^

8: We’ve come to the end of the “12 SONGS GIFT” with Yuki-san huh. It was fun to hear new songs every month.

1000: Right. Which song does everyone like?

6: Of course “June is Natural.”

9: “Up to the nines.”

3: I think “Mikazuki no Veil”!

1000: Everyone likes their own song the best huh ^^

1000: How about managers? My song has not come out yet but which song do you like?

100: Ah! I wanna hear that!

8: I wanna hear that. I also want to know their taste in music so, please tell us without thinking about agencies.

T: How about it Banri-san?

10000: I hesitate to choose! Every song was really good tho.

10000: I like “May be” because it’s hot. I want to listen to “my 10plate” while on a drive! I listen to “Up to the nines” when I want to hype up after I pull an all-nighter!

9: I’m happy.

10: I’m happy! I love this song too!

5: Thank you. It’s a bracing song right.

Anesagi: When it comes to songs, I like upbeat ones like “June is Natural,” “SEPTET for…” and “100% Happiness.” I listen to listen to those songs while putting on makeup in the morning.

6: It’s an honor that it has helped a women’s morning. I recommend Kokona’s opening song too.

7: Thank you!

100: Kaoru-chan, I love you!!

Okazaki: I like “Four Leaf Ring” and “Associ8.” When I hum those song while wearing my suit, it makes me feel like I’ve become ikemen.

4: Oooh! I’m happy!!

8: Okazaki-san is a good man. Thank you.

1000: What about Maneko-chan?

T: I think all the songs are wonderful and can’t choose but President likes “Mikazuki no Veil”! He occasionally sings it to Kinako!

3: Really?! Somehow I’m happy!

Okazaki: It seems our president also loves “Love two you”!

2: Heeh, I’m happy. Thank you.

Anesagi: Speaking of, our President sang “ONE dream” last time we went to karaoke.

1: Yaotome President could go to such a place as karaoke huh…. Thank you.

T: Well then, this is sudden but, Yuki-san, do you have a question you want to ask everyone?

1000: I don’t have much right now.

1000: It’s not like I’m uninterested but I just think everyone should live how they want to live, and do whatever they want to do.

5: That’s a philosophical comment.

2: Is it irresponsible or honest...

7: But, it’s a rare opportunity so I want a question from Yuki-san!

1000: Then, what would you play at my house?

3: At Yuki-san’s house?

1000: Yeah. I’m an indoor-type. I want to know stuff to do indoors so I want to hear what you would do if you came over.

1000: How about Maneko-chan?

T: Me? Let me think...

*T: How about making a salad together? 1000: Ah, sounds good. If there are two people, we could make fancy things.

1000: Thank you. It became a reference.

T: Not at all! Then, it’s sudden but please start from Okazaki-san!

Okazaki: Got it. If I don’t have to worry about a budget, I want to run miniature trains all over his room. Yuki-kun’s room is spacious right?

1000: You have a child’s mind unexpectedly huh. Seems a little interesting.

Okazaki: Definitely, let’s do that next time.

T: I want to see it if it’s completed! Okazaki-san, thank you! Next is Anesagi-san please!

Anesagi: Hm…. I’ve heard you have a large bed so I want to try napping there.

1000: Then let’s nap together. That’s easy so it’s nice.

Anesagi: I’d be nervous about napping with you though.

8: It’s the biggest within the people we know. Yuki-san’s bed.

1000: I see. We all three could sleep together by side by side.

T: Something like a pajama party sounds fun! Anesagi-san, thank you! Next is Banri-san please!

10000: I can only think of drinking… Or maybe enjoy listening to music? I’ll bring the MEZZO’’ set list I made.

1000: Listen to Re:vale’s songs.

10000: Of course, along with Re:vale.

1000: I’ll show you the studio I have at home. I think Ban will be jealous.

10000: That’s what you want to do huh (lol).

1: Oogami-san, didn’t you say before that you wanted to see that studio?

10000: [Spinning Pudding Stamp]

T: In that time, I’ll bring some snacks! Banri-san, thank you! Next is Momo-san please!

100: I want to take Darling ouuut! But it’s your birthday and if I want to realize your wish...

100: Like making cheering items for each other! I’ll make a fan that says “Yuki LOVE” on it!

1000: That’s nice. I’ll decorate one with “MomoLOVE”.

100: You’ll give me lots of fan service?! Of course I’ll do it too!!

1000: I will. The thing that Tamaki-kun said before, I’ll do it. What was it?

4: “Praise me!”

1000: Momo, good boy.

100: (￣ー￣)┳━──  -----・*´艸`)..。.:・゜Bang

T: Re:vale doing fan service to each other is somehow really gorgeous!! Next is Tsunashi-san please!

10: Playing indoors is hard huh.

3: Because Tsunashi-san is a trueborn outdoor person!

10: Right. But, I want you to enjoy going outside with Momo-san so, I’ll teach you some weight training to build up strength!

1000: Eh? Isn’t that too hard? But, I guess I’ll try hard occasionally…...

100: Nice! When you have more strength join our PE club futsal team!

1000: Eh? Isn’t it too hard?

10: Let’s do it while having fun, not while being too tired!

T: Tsunashi-san, thank you! Next is Yaotome-san please!

8: We already watched movies so how about reading manga. It was fun to read manga while lazing around at a friend’s house when I was a student.

1000: Huh. I read the original story for a dramas I will perform. Then, tell me your recommendations next time.

8: Please leave it to me. Movie club hasn’t shot a movie yet. It’s fine with shooting a manga-original short movie.

1000: You’re active huh. Let’s read manga first.

T: Yaotome-san’s recommendation seems hot! Thank you! Next is Yamato-san please!

2: Relaxing too much is a little bit weird so… I could build furniture.

1000: Are you a furniture delivery man? Lol Then, to make Yamato-kun come over, I’ll buy new furniture.

2: Don’t bother doing that! But, if you’re going to buy it anyways, please buy a kotatsu.

1000: I’ll prepare oranges too.

T: Yamato-san, thank you! Next is Mitsuki-san please!

1000: Ah

1000: Wait a sec

T: Yuki-san, what’s wrong?

1000: Momo came into the greenroom

100: I had time so I visited!

4: Momorin has partner love!

1000: Can we restart after it calms down?

T: Of course! Then, let’s return in 15 minutes!

V2:

T: Me? Let me think...

T: Watching a movie together?

Y: It would be like that if we chose a safe one. But I might fall asleep in the middle.

Y: Thank you. It became a reference.

V3:

T: Me? Let me think...

T: How about a candle party together?

Y: Like aroma candles? That sounds like some ritual, but it sounds fun.

Y: Thank you. It became a reference.

[osakaso5]

Yamato Nikaido 12 SONGS GIFT Rabbit Chat Part 3: Tell Us, All Stars! 1

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4 | Part 5

Mitsuki: Yamato-san, happy birthday! 

Iori: Nikaido-san, happy birthday.

Nagi: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Tamaki: Yama-san, hbd!!!

Momo: (* ’ U ^)ノ+。*∞ Happy Birth Day ∞*。+\(^ U ’ *)

Tenn: Happy birthday, Yamato Nikaido.

Ryunosuke: Yamato-kun, happy birthday! You'll be older than Gaku until August!

Riku: Yamato-san, happy birthday!!

Gaku: Nikaido, happy birthday. Let's keep on trucking!

Banri: Happy birthday, Yamato-kun. We'll hold a party for you after the "12 SONGS GIFT" solo live, like we did with Iori-kun.

Sogo: Happy birthday, Yamato-san. I'm glad I get to celebrate your birthday as a thanks for all you've done to help me.

Rinto: Thank you for the invitation. Happy birthday.

Kaoru: Happy birthday. Thank you for getting along with TRIGGER, as usual.

Yuki: Congrats, Yamato-kun.

Yamato: This means a lot. Thank you.

Tsumugi: Thank you, everyone!

Riku: Yamato-san's birthday is on Valentine’s  Day!

Iori: We all know that, Nanase-san.

Gaku: We know, Nanase.

Nagi: I envy you for being born on the holiday of love, Yamato. I wish you a day as happy as sweet, melty chocolate.

Yamato: Maybe it's because Valentine's Day's coming up, but people have been buying me chocolates lately. Though they're mainly joint birthday gifts that they've gotten out of obligation.

Momo: Some of them might've come from the heart!!

Yamato: You can't just buy that kind of chocolate.

Tamaki: Yama-san, you want handmade chocolate? For your birthday?

Yamato: I don't need any from you.

Yuki: Is that what you want for your birthday?

Yamato: I don't want any from you, either...

Tamaki: I never said I'd give you some.

Yuki: I never said I'd give you some ^^

Yamato: I know that!! I was just going along with your joke!!

Ryunosuke: So you want chocolate for your birthday. I haven't made any in a while, maybe I should take this chance to try it again!

Ryunosuke: Oh, it was just a joke! Sorry!

Yamato: No, Tsunashi-san... You didn't do anything wrong...

Tenn: Ryu, make some for us.

Gaku: Exactly. The cupcakes we had last night were great.

Tenn: So, what do you actually want for your birthday, Yamato Nikaido?

Mitsuki: There's a lot of us, so we won't mind if it's something expensive we can all get for you together!

Iori: Nikaido-san is an adult, so it may be better to get him one expensive item rather than many smaller and cheaper ones.

Sogo: I see. Like a car?

Yamato: Sou, you seem like you might actually get me one, so I'm gonna stop you right there.

Yuki: Would you like an apartment?

Momo: Wanna start up a new brand and open a store?

Yamato: Shut up, you celebrities. I've got enough stuff already.

Riku: Are we getting separate presents? I already bought one!

Tamaki: Ah, what did you buy? I'll tell you mine, too.

Yamato: Riku, Tama, I'm actually looking forward to your presents so could you keep them a secret until my actual birthday?

Gaku: Maybe Nikaido would rather get little presents from each of us?

Tenn: He did keep boasting about what all his fellow members got him.

Ryunosuke: He was like a dad on Father's Day, it was really nice!

Yamato: TRIGGER, you promised not to talk about that!

Banri: I know the feeling. When IDOLiSH7 got me birthday gifts, I lined them all up on my bed and really took them in.

Tamaki: I did that, too...

Sogo: So did I...

Yamato: There's a certain kind of joy to having your room full of birthday presents.

Mitsuki: Huh. In that case, we'll get you separate presents again this year!

Nagi: OK! You may look forward to it.

Tsumugi: Congratulations, Yamato-san. Since we'll be having a celebration with IDOLiSH7 on your actual birthday... 

Choices/outcomes:

1. Is there anything you'd like to tell TRIGGER?

Yamato: I forgot to say this earlier, but I'm always open to getting sweets. Can you make some, Kujo and Yaotome?

2. Is there anything you'd like to tell Re:vale?

Yamato: I don't need an apartment, but they released a new cleaning robot with a floor wiping function, could I have one of those?

3. Is there anything you'd like to tell the managers?

Yamato: Thank you for all your work. Your drinking parties seem fun, so once our Tsumugi's of age, let's all go drinking together. 

Yamato: I know I said a lot, but thank you for gathering together for my birthday. 

Tsumugi: Now, let's move on to the question corner, as is our established tradition! 

Yamato: That's the second established tradition today, huh? 

Tsumugi: Yamato-san, do you have questions for the others? 

Yamato: Hmm. All my questions are the type that I want to ask about in length and one-on-one. 

Nagi: I know this. Yamato likes to prod. 

Mitsuki: He can be like that sometimes. But we talked about being more adventurous! Forget about the formalities and ask something you normally wouldn't! 

Yamato: Right... Fine. I'll give it a go! 

Nagi: (≧▽≦)b OK

Tsumugi: This is getting kind of exciting! Well then, Anesagi-san is up first! 

Kaoru: Fine. 

Yamato: Alright. I'm going to forget the formalities and get curious here, but let me know if I'm being too personal. 

Kaoru: What? I won't tell you my age. 

Yamato: It's not about your age (lol) Would you rather go out on a date with me or our manager? 

Kaoru: Takanashi-san. 

Kaoru: 

Gaku: Seriously!? 

Kaoru: Yamato-kun is an idol, after all. I want  to have fun with just us  girls instead of having to worry about being watched on one of my rare off days. 

Tsumugi: I'm so happy, Anesagi-san! 

Kaoru: My, aren't you cute. Let's go shopping for cosmetics again sometime. 

Yamato: I see. As you'd expect from TRIGGER's clever manager. 

Tsumugi: Now, it's time for your question to Okazaki-san! 

Yamato: Have you ever wanted to quit being Re:vale's manager? 

Rinto: Hmm, may I answer this in a private chat? 

Momo: Hey hey hey

Yuki: Hey hey hey, Okarin

Rinto: I'm kidding! Never. If anything, I'm trying to make sure they don't escape from me! 

Rinto: There have been times when they've caused such troubles that I've needed stomach medicine to get through it, and wished I had a clone who could go apologize in my stead... But it's not that I want to quit! 

Rinto: 

Tsumugi: As expected of a veteran such as yourself! Do you have a question for Banri-san? 

Yamato: It's about the thing we talked about at that drinking party

Banri: Hm? Should we talk about this in private? 

Yamato: No (lol) You always let me choose the snacks, but are you really fine with just anything? 

Banri: I am. We've got pretty matching tastes when it comes to food. You like Japanese food, don't you? 

Yamato: Ah, so that's why. So brown sugar  beans, tataki kyuri (1) with plum, and chicken skin with ponzu sauce are fine by you? 

Banri: Definitely, lol I can trust your random choices better than anything else. 

Yamato: Good to hear. That's a relief (lol)

Momo: Screenshotted ゜+。*・。゜(゜ノД`)゜。・*。+゜

Gaku: All this food talk is making me hungry

Ryunosuke: Should I make something?

Tamaki: Same here. I want ramen

Riku: Mitsuki's not at the dorm right now, so I can make some while chatting here!

Iori: Since when are you capable of that kind of dexterity?

Tsumugi: Moving on, next up is Yuki-san!

Yuki: I like bagna càuda

Yamato: I wasn't asking about your bar snacks. You used to stay over at our house and leave with my old man early in the morning, where were you going? 

Yuki: I wonder? ^^

Riku: Sea shell gathering!

Tamaki: Bamboo gathering!

Nagi: Hunting for limited edition goods.

Yuki: Close, but no cigar

Yamato: Don't try to avoid the question. The guys who came over to our place said he was spending a ton of money on you, were you involved in something shady?

Momo: Yuki??? Can  we talk about this in private????

Yuki: The real answer's golfing. He bought me a set of clubs and the clothes.  I almost fell on my ass when I heard how much  they’d cost. 

Gaku: Golf wear's expensive, isn't it. I got mad at my old man when he tried to get me into buying some. 

Yuki: I think you were the one he actually wanted to go with. You should do that at some point. 

Yamato: I'll think about it. 

Tsumugi: Many people in the entertainment business like golf! Now, it's time for  Momo-san's question!

Momo: Ask anything! (￣- +￣)

Yamato: I've asked you for advice on this before, but what do you personally do to relieve stress? 

Momo: On my off days, I exercise! Also, I eat yummy food!! Laughing and taking deep breaths before bed helps you relax naturally, so I recommend that, too!

Momo: But my number one way is seeing my partner's smile! It melts away all my fatigue! 

Yuki: ^^

Momo: And it's gone~! \(*´∀ `*)ノ.+゜

Nagi: How wonderful. I will also smile, so that  Yamato may have a similar reaction :-)

Riku: I'll do it, too! ^^

Riku: 

Yamato: And it's gone~! \(O-O--)ノ.+゜

Mitsuki: Lololololol, that emoticon's not cute at all! lol

Momo: IDOLiSH7's so cute!

Iori: Sorry to interrupt, but Nanase-san's gotten noodles all over the gas burner. May we take a short break?

Yamato: I had a feeling that'd happen.

Tsumugi: Are you alright? Is anyone hurt?

Iori: The only thing we lost was Yotsuba-san's food, so it's fine.

Tamaki:

Yamato: Since its an emergency, I guess I've got no choice but to tell you. I've stashed a cup of noodles at the back of the shelf.

Tamaki: Yama-san, I love you!!!

Tsumugi: Alright! We'll resume this talk later! I'll see you all then! 

Translator’s notes..? 

1) tataki kyuri is a fairly simple kind of salad, usually made up of smashed cucumber pieces and dressing

[the-canary]

Sky Full of Song (6/10)

Summary: Giving a recovering amnesiac the proper musical education he was missing, wasn’t supposed to involve feelings, right? (Reader/Bucky Barnes)

Prompt:  “Should I reveal exactly how I feel?”

Word Count: 1771

Masterlist

A/N: This is for @redgillan writing challenge. hbd to myself.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 | Part 5

“So, why is Six afraid of Seven?” you can already feel your eyes rolling to the back of your head at Four’s joke.

“Why?” Two dares to be the one asking the question.

“Cause her malfunctioning powers destroyed his lab. The poor guy, ” he wheezes out, as Two hits him in the ribs. You hear Six’s strained chuckle in the back of the room.

Cue your groaning, as Two shakes her head at Four’s awful joking. It doesn’t have the intended response, but it eases the tense air within the medical bay. Six had asked them leave saying that you were going to be alright, but they wouldn’t have it after the last mission -- your screaming and afterwards blacking out when the drive you were using your powers on overloaded had caught them both off guard -- you were usually much better this, had your feelings in control. Now, not so much.

“Have you had any nightmares lately?” a tall, dark-haired man comes up to question you sitting on the medical table, while all you do is nod no.

“Any fluctuations of emotions recently?” hazel eyes look up from the tablet they are scanning through to see you frowning.  Four’s ohhh makes you feel like you’re a child being caught stealing cookies before dinner. You all knew what uncontrolled emotions did to your powers and that made them, particularly Six, very protective of you.  

He motions your two partners to leave the room more seriously this time, as they send you hesitant smiles before exiting the medbay. You sit there and swing your legs due to the nervousness of it all, you hadn’t really blacked out while using your powers since you had been found by S.H.I.E.L.D all those years ago. It was worrying and you think Six might be feeling it too.  

“Who have you been commiserating with?” he asks while looking at familiar pair of gloves (that had helped controlled your power as a teenager and young adult), though they seemed a little different from the last time you had seen him, maybe he (or even Mr. Stark) had improved on them since the last time you had used them.

“Sergeant Barnes,” you simply answer, as Six turns to look at you with a raised eyebrow.

Six calls your real name softly, as you turn to look at him, “You know why we keep your circle as tight as it is. You’re an adult, but I hope you take your health into consideration as well.”

“ I’m trying ,” you murmur angrily, as he nods ignoring your outburst and brings up nothing more of the subject before pulling over a chair and placing those gloves and a headphone set on your lap.    

“Okay, what would you like to listen you?” he asks with a smile that reminds you an older brother.

“David Bowie.”

“Excellent choice.”

“Okay, so she likes you and you like her,” Sam pauses as he watches the former Winter Soldier pace back and forth, “I don’t see what the problem is here. Lost your touch, old man?”

“You don’t know that,” Bucky remarks while running his flesh hand through his hair in an agitated manner, “What if she just did it out of pity or…”

His voice dies out in the end because he doesn’t want to think of her that way, Sam just shakes his head at the sudden lost puppy dog look that appears on the big, bad former assassin’s face.

“That’s not what Steve’s been telling me,” he chuckles, as blue eyes widen.  Sam gives him a big smile, as Bucky groans.

“So what, I should just reveal exactly how I feel ?” Bucky groans in frustration at finally admitting that there is something other than friendship that he might be feeling towards her. He takes a seat on the couch and puts his head on the palms of his hands.  

“Duh, you’re just cockblocking yourself,” Sam laughs as Bucky keeps wishing that Steve was here to talk to instead.

eight night.

Now, Four likes to think he is the “cool brother” within his little group of colleagues. If Three was the grandfather and Six could sometimes be taken for the father with how he swinged between concern and reprimanding the rest of team, what else there for him to be. He cared about everyone, though he cared the most about his girls -- Two and you. Ok, maybe he cared about Two a little bit more than in a friendship or familial sense, but you were like his kid sister. Maybe that’s why he was spending the third night (middle of the night to be exact) in a row making you pancakes, as he tried not to laugh at the sight of you in those weird gloves and headset trying to cut your food with plastic utensils.

“ ‘m not hungry anymore,” you push the the plate of cold pancakes away, as he looks at you with mock disappointment before laughing. You cross your head over the countertop and lay your head on them.

“Okay, ignore my culinary marvels,” he says with the most serious tone he can muster, before asking the same question he did every night “You’re still not gonna talk are ya, sweets?”

You shake your head, as bright light suddenly glows from underneath your face and Four knows he shouldn’t ask anymore. He was aware of your talk with Captain Rogers and that after that you didn’t seek out a certain soldier anymore, Sergeant Barnes didn’t seem to seek you out either, but Four was fully aware that he still played the songs you had shown him. So, Four wasn’t sure exactly what was the problem, though it seemed --from his point of view-- that neither of you were very good with emotions.

“Okay, so what song are we going to play tonight?’ He questions as he sits on a bar stool not too far away from you. Playing some songs you knew until you fell asleep was usually how these types of nights went, then he would carry you to your room.

“ Heroes ,” you murmur, as F.R.I.D.A.Y to begins to play his Best of Bowie playlist with that song. He is ready to throw in the towel for the night, that is until a familiar figure slowly enters the room. Weary and bloodshot eyes turn to meet his green ones, as your soft and sleepy voice drags blue-gray eyes to look at you. A small smile blooms on Barnes’ face, which causes Four to start putting the pieces together in his head.

“Kid, what’s your favorite David Bowie song?” you stir a little and Bucky takes it as his cue to leave the room, but he pauses when Four puts his hand in front of him and mouths a   please.  

“R-Right now, As The World Falls Down ,” you shake your head, it’s sort of obvious who is behind you alongside Four, but you decide not to turn around and spare yourself the grief and whatever emotions might bubble up to the surface. You let David Bowie’s voice lull you to sleep, and hopefully not into those dreams  with the goblins again.

“ Damn , kid,” Four harshly whispers as he watches the soldier lean into the the countertop and take in the music for a moment. As much as Four might hate your love for The Labyrinth , he’s pretty sure you got a certain feeling across with this particular song.

You’re sleeping and snoring rather peacefully in that strange position when the song finally ends. Four signs and Bucky opens his eyes before glancing back at your form sweetly.

“What’s wrong with her?” Bucky asks quietly, his eyes completely taken by you.

“Her powers are extremely tied to her emotions,” Four explains,”if she gets too stressed, she gets sick and can’t recharge or let out her powers out properly.”

Bucky steps past Four to where you are seated, he places his right hand over your cheek timidly and Four looks away on the moment, though he’s probably being completely forgotten of at this very moment.          

“You should probably take her to her room,” Four nods at his brilliant idea,”I am sure that F.R.I.D.A.Y can tell you where it is, j-just watch out for the sparks and your arm.”

Four is already jogging down the hall before he can get a negative response.

It takes  Bucky awhile to figure out how to move you from the chair and not touch your hands,  though it does catch his fascination that there is a light glow of blue and white underneath the leather and mesh material covering them. F.R.I.D.A.Y tells him exactly where your room, which is three floors down from his where most the recruits are housed. The elevator ride is silent outside of your light snoring and his thundering heart, especially when you let out a little sigh and move in closer to take in his body heat.

What are you doing to me, doll?

Because Bucky Barnes isn’t exactly sure what he is feeling, he wasn’t sure he had ever felt something like this back in the 40’s and he wasn’t expecting anything like this after the horrors he had inflicted as the Winter Soldier -- but, here he was. He wasn’t sure is he was lucky or cursed, but looking down at your face made him think that neither one was so bad.

Your room is down the hall where most of the wall is just glass panels and he briefly wonders what it would be like to see you in the rays of sun each morning. However, he quickly shakes those thoughts away as he taps the door gently, and even though it is completely dark Bucky can make out some movie and concert posters, varying in decade, on your walls and a record player on the other side of your bed.

He walks to the opposite side of the bed, where the the blankets and sheets are thrown haphazardly together. Bucky places you gently on the bed and for a moment gets lost in watching your face scrunch due to the sudden lack of warmth. You groan and turn to your left side, facing him, and mumble something as he smiles softly at the sight -- something that he clearly doesn’t deserve. So, he’ll indulge himself slightly before leaving your room.

“Goodnight, doll,” is all he says as he closes the door, hoping you’ll get better without him in the way.

“‘Night, Buck…”you murmur before turning over again, not knowing exactly what you needed either.

Part 7 

[sumukhcomedy]

Comedians: Your Depression Isn’t Our Problem

The warning signs were there. I wrote so many essays on this very website about the interaction of comedians and depression and social media behavior. Here’s one. Here’s another. Here’s this on Facebook in particular.

Two days prior to my birthday in November, I deactivated my personal Facebook account. It’s amusing in a way since one’s birthday is really the only time Facebook allows you to be lavished in feeling some degree of goodness. Everyone from random strangers you met once to your closest friends wishes you a Happy Birthday (or HBD when they really want to show they aren’t trying) and you’re showered with it being your day. Then the other 364 days of pure misery on this social media platform happen. Did I deactivate my account because I watched The Social Dilemma? Was there too much politics in advance of the election? All the multitude of reasons you can think of probably did play a cumulative role in my decisions.

But the honest fact is this: too many comedians are miserable and depressed and are doing nothing about it. Not much has changed in the years since I wrote all those essays. And, with the nature of Facebook’s site and algorithms, I was sick of observing it.

The fallacy of the marriage of Facebook and comedy is that it is mutually beneficial. There is a notion that Facebook provides a great tool for self-promotion especially when it comes to live comedy events. I can’t fully deny its accuracy. I certainly had people attend my show in Los Angeles due to seeing the public Facebook event. Facebook still has the most users of any social media platform and covers the wide range of ages. As a result, yes, it’s the best way to connect and remind people of your regular and most important events.

COVID-19 and the social distancing that followed shuttered events and live performance. If there was any benefit to that, it also exposed the total lack of purpose to live comedy being on Facebook. The behavior of many comedians that are miserable and have depression truly amplified. We could all observe that what little self-promotion that may have been occurring prior to COVID-19 was really now all about self-aggrandizement and self-destruction.

Over the years, many comedians have complimented me on the essays that I’ve written on here. I appreciate that and the whole purpose is the hope that they and others will improve themselves. Yet, in the years that have followed, I’ve watched as some of those very same comedians haven’t improved at all. They took into account nothing I wrote. They are still miserable, depressed, and clearly not getting the help they need. They aren’t even challenging themselves with comedy at all whether it be creating something new or being funny in any way on Facebook. They are just depressed and complaining and subjecting their Facebook friends and certainly others on other social media platforms to that.

Due to COVID-19 and the resulting pandemic and reactions, 2020 has been an extremely challenging year for all of us. We’re all dealing with a mountain of personal and societal issues. However, in comedy, we also have the Internet and the mountain of opportunities that can come from it. My YouTube channel is doing well and providing me creative drive at what I love about comedy. It gives me a lot of happiness to see random people entertained by my videos and that the videos are helping them through this pandemic. Many friends and fellow comedians are seeing success via TikTok or Twitch. So, there are a multitude of avenues comedians can take to have comedic success or gratification in these times. Yet, there are so many comedians just languishing. They are allowing their comedy to solely be about complaining, depression, and themselves.

Facebook wants the drama. So, of course the sadness and depression goes to the top of our feeds. When you post something like this, you get the comfort, support, and encouragement of strangers. But guess what? They don’t actually give a fuck about you. And in the years that have passed on Facebook, I can see that you’re not actually giving a fuck about yourself.

Within comedy and outside of it, I’ve probably averaged knowing one person a year who has died by suicide. It sucks and I’ve come to grips with the fact that they died of a disease. The mental illness got them like any other disease would have. There is only so much I could have done.

Throughout the nearly 15 years that I’ve been a professional stand-up comedian, no one has ever truly known what I’ve been through. No one knows how I addressed my depression and the alcohol consumption that covered my 20s in comedy. No one knows how I dealt with the same issues at an even higher magnitude with the person I love. I didn’t complain constantly for the Internet to see. I addressed it and my support system of close friends and family (weirdly enough, most of whom aren’t even on Facebook or barely interact with it) were the ones truly there for me.

Hopefully you can understand then why I deactivated my Facebook account. I was watching too many people who claimed they were bettering themselves not better themselves at all. Who in the world wants to consistently watch someone burn? No one wants to observe a slow destruction let alone when they themselves are dealing with internal issues of their own on a daily basis. Facebook consistently heightens and rewards sad stories over the winning ones. It consistently reminds you of misery if you’re willing to post about it. But if you’re willing to truly address your depression and truly address your comedy, you’re truly rewarded when you deserve to be: when you’ve gotten sober or happier or achieved a truly remarkable feat in comedy. Those are the type of comedians I care about at this point and are truly proud of.

I’m in for a really complicated 2021. My partner is having knee surgery again so I have to be a caregiver for her. I basically have to run our entire house and our animals while also working my job and also finding the time to continue to create comedy because I love it and because that is also profitable for me. Is that level of stress good for my depression? Obviously not. Am I complaining about it constantly to my followers and friends? No, that’s just not my nature. It’ll resolve nothing. It’s another challenge to take on and hopefully be rewarded with later with the type of creativity I produce as well as ensuring that those closest to me and that I love are also rewarded and at their healthiest. I suppose the reality is that I am old now and have my priorities. I don’t have time or care for the bitching of other comedians especially the ones that should know better by this point and simply don’t try.

There are a ton of us in comedy like me. There are comedians with multiple kids. There are comedians with jobs outside of comedy. There are comedians making ends meet. I know they deal with depression, too. But they pick the right opportunities to be open about it in an effort to make themselves and others better. They don’t just consistently bring it up to make themselves and others miserable. These are the comedians that I love and support because they are a lot like me. They’ve grown as well and watched their personal lives and their comedy advance despite all the negativity, personal demons, and other components that can come with both this society and the comedy world. I cheer on and support those comedians.

Hopefully you can understand then why I deactivated Facebook. It wasn’t beneficial anymore to myself or to comedy. Worse, it just continued to expose me to the worst aspects of comedian behavior. I have never been interested in interacting or surrounding myself with people who are static or going backwards. I am interested in the people that address their problems head-on and work to make them better. Clearly, Facebook doesn’t want to make you better. So why would I want to be on there to watch the destruction of what I love in comedy and to be frustrated by the behavior of friends and colleagues?