#everyone say thank you to george for this demo

[longing4yesterday]

i'm on george lockdown for today so you know what that means

[tillthelandslide]

Same For You (7) Hate Missing You

Series Masterlist

(6) The Dinner

Series Warnings: slow burn romance, eventual smut, age gap, complicated relationship (low-key unhealthy dynamics), eventual love...

Taglist: @scooby-doodoo @thereisaplaceintheheart @theoriginalwhatsername @eaglestar31 @thefrontofmymind @fallingforel @partoftheairforce @procrastinatinglikeapro @poisonmedaddy13 @xthe1975 @all-things-fic @jstbeeingme @rossgirly @juliardk (add yourself using the link in my bio 😊)

A/n: hi everyone 👋 just wanted to say a huge thank you to all the support on this series so far, it means a lot to me. I hope you continue to enjoy it, let me know what you think, my inbox is always open so share your thoughts, predictions, what you'd like to see, who you're rooting for, whatever 💞 also once again, next part will be posted once this reaches 100 notes :) - love Lou

She had been avoiding both of them like the plague. She had seen Charli a few times, the girls going for drinks a few times, but neither of the men were mentioned once, a clear rule y/n set down the moment they were with each other. She was thankful Charli didn't mention it, she didn't press, didn't demand a reason as to why she didn't want to talk about either of the guys. She had even spoken to George a few times and seen him twice, the two of them chilling in his and Charli's house and sharing ideas for songs, Y/n sharing some demos that George took to work on.

The distance didn't stop either of them from constantly texting or calling her. They both started to get worried when she took a while to reply, or didn't pick up the phone. She would text back hours after their messages were sent, with an excuse, although most of the time they were in fact true, such as "sorry been writing with this artist" which was true, but she had only allowed said artists to book time in with her so she could distract herself.

She was currently sitting in the garage, working with an independent artist called Emma, she had written a song for her and they were currently recording it. She currently was sat alone at her computer, they were taking a quick break so Emma could smoke in her back garden, outside the shed. She's distracted by the buzzing of her phone, Matty's name lighting up her screen with a picture they had taken from the day they got coffee. She had since changed his name, seeing "bestie" every time he called was just confusing her further.

Emma walks back in as she stares at her phone.

"You can take that if you want" she says and y/n shakes her head.

"no it's okay" she says, turning her phone over so their picture isn't staring back at her.

"Nothing important" she tells herself this although she knows it's a lie. She missed hearing his excited voice on the other side of the phone, missed the late night phone calls when he'd ramble about music and art. They finish the song and Emma leaves, by that point it's pretty late at night.

When she eventually looks at her phone she sees 6 missed calls from Matty and 4 messages, 4 missed calls from Ross and 6 messages. She sighs deeply texting both of them the same message.

"Sorry was in the studio working with a girl called Emma" it only takes a minute to receive two texts back.

"Been working a lot recently, don't wear yourself out love... P.s miss you xx" - Ross

"No worries darling, look at you go aye! Miss you xx" - Matty

She ignores both messages, leaving her home studio and returning to her house.

The truth is she misses them both, so much. But she needed time to think, not that she had done much of that. She had been making herself busy so she was distracted and it didn't leave much time to think. She wasn't doing herself any favors and she knew that.

❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀ •°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀

The band do their usual set in the usual bar in Soho, the same, usual people standing right at the front. Her eyes flick to the back table where they're usually sat, but she doesn't spot them. Charli is sat with George, and their overlapping friendship groups. Carly and Adam are even here. But they aren't there. Ross and Matty...

They hadn't come. She shouldn't really be surprised, not only had she been avoiding the two of them but they were an internationally famous band who clearly had better things to do than seeing a small band perform. She knew they were on a break from touring, hence why she had seen so much of them recently, but she still wouldn't be surprised if they had other things to do.

The cheers from the crowd don't feel as good, not when she knows they aren't there screaming along. She didn't know what she expected, she had brought this upon herself. When they get off the stage her band goes to greet their friends, but she exits the building, grabbing a cigarette from her pack hidden in her pocket. She shakes the thought that she was being rude away from her brain. She hadn't officially met Carly yet and felt bad that she hadn't immediately went over and introduced herself, but she needed a fag, right now.

The door opens behind her and a pair of arms wrap around her frame, a sweet scent following behind them. Charli.

"You smashed it as always" she says, pulling back from the hug.

"Thanks" she murmurs, taking a sharp inhale of her cigarette.

Charli doesn't mention either of the men and she doesn't know whether she's thankful or whether she wants to hear the reason they're not here. She stays quiet, silently smoking her cigarette. The dark haired girl's hands finds her shoulders, pulling Yn so she's facing her. She had hoped they'd be here, that she was forced to see them, she could tell herself it was out of her control, that she couldn't do anything about it. She could pretend she had no other choice, when in reality she just wanted to see them. Being without them both, was torture.

"Hey are you okay? What's going on with you?" She says and y/n sighs deeply. She wants to tell her, she wants to tell her everything. She knew she wouldn't judge and truly she was the only person she could see who wouldn't hate her for the whole situation. The band would say she's messing up their chances. George would probably feel entitled to tell his friends, for they were his best friends in the whole world. And she didn't have anyone else to tell. She couldn't tell either of the men in question because they wouldn't understand and she could (and probably would) lose both of them.

"I'm just tired Char... Promise" she drops her cigarette and allows Charli to pull her into a hug.

"If you need to tell me anything... I'm here" she says and y/n mumbles a thank you. One thing that the absence of Matty and Ross had caused was her close bond with Charli, she was thankful for that.

"Now come join us" so she does, she sits with Carly and Adam, introducing herself to the smiley girl. She compliments Y/n and her band, mentioning "the guys wouldn't shut about you... you put them to shame really" it makes her laugh and the three begin talking about all sorts. Matty and Ross slip from her mind a little bit, not fully disappearing but slightly less present. The group laughs and has fun and she's distracted again. Blissfully blocking both men out. Fairly successfully too.

❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀ •°❀°•❀•°❀°•❀

A pile of scrunched up papers are scattered around her, the studio floor barely visible through the white sheets. She arrived early this morning, surprised to see George already at the sound board, editing bits and bobs. She has avoided both Ross and Matty for exactly 6 days now, but she knew today that would come to an end, she'd be forced to be near them and she knew that her unclouded mind would be foggy again and she'd be right back at square one, just as confused as ever.

One particular loud sigh (among other annoyed, restless and agitated noises) draws George from his work at the computer, spinning around in the chair and looking at her.

She looked tired, bags were under her eyes and he noticed how her thumb on her left hand was bleeding slightly. He leaves the room, going to the bathroom of the studio and grabbing a sterile wipe and a plaster. He approaches her slowly, leaning down and sitting with her and even that doesn't draw her attention away from her notebook. He gently takes hold of her left hand, bringing it towards him, and that's what makes her look at him.

"What are you doing?" She asks, eyes briefly drifting away from her writing and landing on George's hand. It's a funny sight, his huge hand, the most gentle she had ever seen it, holding hers as he cleaned her abuse. It was a sweet moment, between two friends and she was thankful for it.

"You're bleeding love" the "oh" that falls from her lips before her eyes are back on her book and she's withdrawing her hand from him, tells him everything he needed to know. This was a common occurrence for her, they hadn't spent enough time alone together for him to know what she was like when she was anxious or agitated, he didn't know the tell tell signs of such feelings. But he takes her hand back into his as he tears the packet with his teeth.

"Let me do this for you okay?" He asks and she nods, allowing him to clean the wound, the blood (although not very much) sleeps into the wet fabric and it stings slightly. She flinches and he murmurs a sorry.

"Talk to me... What's up?" He asks. Truth is he didn't know her all that well, but he wanted to, just like Ross and Matty... Well maybe not just like them. He wanted to be her friend. They had spent a fair amount of time with each other but it was mostly for work. Of course, she was easy to get along with and George saw just as Matty and Ross did, that she was kind and a good person to be around. He cared for her already, he supposes that was something obvious about her, she drew people in, even just as friends. They wanted to know her.

"Nothing what are you talking about?" He furrows his eyebrows at her and scoffs.

"The scrunched up and ripped paper around the room says otherwise love"

"I just can't get this song right okay?" She says and he nods as he wraps her thumb in a plaster, letting her take her hand back.

"thanks"

"No worries... Whats the song about?" She thinks it's the first time in the whole time they've been working together, that someone has asked what the meaning of the song was and it throws her off for a second.

"I want to write a song about... how I always go after the wrong guy... Always end up getting my heart broken" she explains and George nods. He pulls her notebook and reads the words out loud.

"My brain twists and turns Craving for a touch that burns Every time I try to put myself first I drown in this pain, my heart might burst I wish it didn't have to hurt so much I'm in a million pieces, my soul I can't touch I'm screaming inside, my emotions I can't clutch" his eyebrows furrow, thinking about he words, before he looks up at her.

"what's wrong with this? It's good"

"i don't feel like it captures how I feel" he nods along.

"how do you feel?" It's a simple question, but the answer is far from simple, she doesn't know how to explain it, which is why she thinks she's struggling to get it into the paper in front of her.

"Okay... We're doing this then?" She asks and George looks confused, furrowing his eyebrows at her.

"What do you mean?"

"If I tell you, you have to promise it doesn't leave this room"

"of course... Now explain" she's thankful that he's there for her, that he wants to know. She's aware this is the first person she would've even hinted at how she was feeling.

"So I always seem to go for guys who just break my heart... And now... Hypothetically there might be a guy who is so god damn good and pure... And what... What if I don't deserve that? What if the reason I loved so hard before but ultimately got my heart broken .. is actually because I just don't deserve it and what if... I'm pushing him away because it might actually be good for once" she asks and George frowns.

"that's what I want to write about"

"Well purely hypothetically... If said guy is perhaps one of my best mates... Hypothetically I'd say you do deserve that love" she shakes her head at his words. She briefly wonders which one he's referring to, but shakes the thought from her mind.

"listen y/n... If you loved the wrong person that deeply, imagine how deeply you'll love the right one... And if they're the right person... They'll love you just as much"

"you're quite wise George Daniel" she leans her head onto his shoulder as a silent thank you and he smiles. She thinks about mentioning Matty, explaining that she felt something (although what and how deeply was not clear yet) but before she gets the chance, the door opens revealing both Matty and Ross who both smile at the sight of the two of them. Suddenly they're both right there again, stabbing at her heart and mystifying her brain , she realises her attempt to avoid them, to ice them out was futile because they're there, clouding her every thought, painting her brain with beautiful hews of Ross and Matty.

"Are you bonding?" Matty's voice rings out and both of them groan as they stand up.

"Shut up" George says as he returns to the sound desk. Matty walks towards her and is quick to pull her into a hug.

"hi" he says smiling down at her.

"Hi" she smiles back. Matty leaves to look at what George has been working on and she takes the time to walk over to Ross, who is smiling widely down at her.

"Hello stranger" he says and she feels guilty immediately but allows him to pull her to him, hugging her tightly. His lips graze her cheek quickly, not able to help himself. He breathes in her hair as he mumbled a "miss you". She's half expecting him to say something about how she was clearly avoiding him but he doesn't and she's unbelievably thankful for that.

She doesn't tell him she misses him back, she just smiles into his chest, finally pulling away when she hears Matty and George talking.

"How was the show on Saturday? Sorry I couldn't make it, Jamie needed me for a dirty hit thing" Matty explains and she smiles.

"Yeah it was good... George and Char came... And Hann and Carly too" she says and Matty raises his eyebrows. Her voice is slightly withheld, withdrawn, distant. He frowns at her, it was like two strangers talking to each other, like this conversation was more of a duty rather than between two friends who were genuinely interested in catching up.

"Good...." He says turning back to George who frowns up at him. She goes back to the papers, collecting the crumpled up ones and discarding them, Ross joins her. And his presence is suddenly too close for her so she stands immediately.

"I'm going outside for a bit" she announces, leaving before anyone has a chance to say anything.

When she's gone, the three guys share a look, and it's a matter of time before one of them speaks up.

"what's going on with her?" Both Ross and Matty ask George at the same time. He feels like a deer caught in the headlights. He quite successfully feigns ignorance, shrugging his shoulders. But then he feels it's not fair on his best friends.

"Maybe you should talk to her instead of asking me" George says, turning back to his screen.

"Mate I've been trying all week..." Matty speaks up

"she's been busy mate" Ross says and Matty's eyes find his.

"You know that's bullshit... She doesn't need to work with other people, she's doing this for a reason" he then argues. Ross cant argue with his logic, he can't find a fault to his reasoning, because it was true. It was obvious she was avoiding both of them, but neither knew why.

"I don't know what you want me to say" George says. Matty is then leaving before Ross gets a chance to attend to her first. He wanted to be the one to console her if she needed it, but of course Matty beat him to it.

"Just leave them mate, trust me... You're good. She's fine" Ross doesn't know what George means, but he shrugs and sits down anyway, eyes trained on the door just waiting for the moment it opens and she's back again.

Matty finds her smoking, nearly at the end of her cigarette. His eyebrows raise at the sight, not knowing she smoked. He doesn't comment though. He stays silent for a second.

"You've been avoiding me... Why?" He asks abruptly making her turn to look at him before turning back away from him.

"I haven't Matty... I've been busy" again it feels like a stranger is talking to him, not someone who he was considering to be one of his closest friends now. Not someone who got him, who he cared deeply for.

"If you say so love..." He inhales a puff of his own cigarette and suddenly her eyes are on him, watching as he breathes it out deeply. She's missed him, that much was obvious.

"Enjoy the vinyl I sent you?" He asks and she nods, eyes trained on the cigarette lying limply in-between his teeth as he talks, his hands clasped around his phone as he types something out. He doesn't see her nod so his eyes snap up, awaiting an answer.

"Yeah... Been playing it a lot recently actually" she says, and it sounds like her again, not withdrawn or pulled back, just her. His friend, his y/n.

"What's your favorite?" He asks and she pauses to think. He shoves his phone back in his pocket, fingertips clasping the cigarette again, his other hand dropping to his side. She suddenly feels the urge to take his hand in hers but she doesn't.

"I love all of them... But Sad To Breathe or Boyhood are my favorites at the moment" she says and Matty smiles.

"I'll tell Amber... She'll love that" she smiles at that.

"Sunshine Baby is a great song too" his eyes sparkle, and they smile at each other. He steps forward and she lets him, he drops his cigarette and so does she as he wraps his arms around her.

"Missed you, y'know" he says, face burying into her hair.

"Missed you too Matty" she admits. He doesn't ask why she was avoiding her again, he doesn't bring it back up and she doesn't know how to feel about it.

"You can avoid me all you want... But don't do that to Ross, he doesn't deserve that" his words are like a ton of bricks falling on her and she doesn't know how to react. So she doesn't, she just nods and murmurs a silly little "sorry"

"Let's get back inside" he says and she agrees, walking back to the studio with his arm hooked over her shoulders as he asked questions about the girl she was working with.

"I actually ended up writing a song after working with her that I really like" Ross and George catch that part of their conversation, both smiling at her before George speaks up.

"Let's see then" he says, she retrieves her notebook from where she discarded it, flicking to the right page, she wonders whether she should show them this. Would this reveal too much? she thinks. She hands the book to George first, his eyes flick over the words as Matty and Ross watch. She stands next to him, bringing her thumb that is wrapped in the plaster to her mouth before realising she couldn't abuse it like usual.

Matty notices the plaster, so does Ross, both wondering what happened. The injury was minor, but the both of them were still worried.

George's eyes find hers and he raises his eyebrows, silently asking "you sure?" she nods at him and he nods back.

"I like it" he confirms, handing her back the book. She passes it to Matty, him and Ross read it together.

Hate Missing You: I'm drowning in sadness without you, can you hear me? Hold my breath and count to three, who am I without you? You're the part of me I cannot see, won't you just let it be? I miss the feeling of being home, I feel lost without you I miss you but the feeling of my heartbeat makes me nervous That way you smile and my heart skips a beat, it makes me dizzy Sorry for the distance, it's tearing me apart, it's hard And there's no way to return your message from my heart So I make myself busy, giving me an excuse as why I can't see you, I can't choose between two halves of myself

They're lost for words, both looking at her, not speaking. She feels unbelievably nervous, awaiting a response that doesn't come for a few moments.

"This is.... its good Y/n/n" Matty says, she senses that its not all he has to say. If she could creep into his mind she'd see all his thoughts and she'd notice there was so many of them. Who was this about? Is this really how she felt? Is she okay? How can he help?

"It's powerful, raw.... its good love" Ross then says, but again she senses that he wants to say more. He wanted to know who this was about. Who got to have these hauntingly beautiful words written about them? Who was the one she missed? And how could he take the pain away?

They begin working on the song, Ross records some bass lines in the absence of Clara, Matty and Y/n both record some guitar bits and Y/n also records some piano bits. George adds in some simple drum beats.

Things with Matty seemed okay, almost back to normal. But things with Ross were suddenly different and she wasn't sure whether she liked it or not. Sure, lingering touches that screamed "I want you" were still shared, and looks that shouted "my soul yearns for you" happened more often than not. But ever since having dinner at Charli and George's house, ever since she kissed his cheek and left him on her door step, ever since she woke up from that blissful dream, something had shifted. They seemed to be avoiding things more, he hesitated before making his usual comments, comments that were once flirty seemed a little bit apprehensive now.

She knows he's only doing what she said, she told him they couldn't, so he was trying to respect that. But sometimes, when that thought slipped from his mind, the normal things that were 'them" happened, like those touches and stares. But even through that, something felt off. Her mind was still reeling from him holding her thigh with such a grip that it was as if she was his anchor keeping him on the ground. She swears she can still feel the way his thumb grazed the skin, even 6 days later, 6 torturous days she spent avoiding him. And she'd be lying if she said she hadn't found herself staring at those hands of his one too many times when he played the bass.

She excuses herself from the studio and the three men, explaining that she just needed a moment alone. They had been working for what felt like hours now and she couldn't handle one more of those longing looks from Ross, or one more of those eyebrow raises from Matty when he caught her staring at Ross.

She finds her coat that she had hung up upon her arrival, slipping her arms through it and going outside. Her hand finds the inside pocket, finding the pack of cigarettes she reserved for special occasions like this. When she was well and truly confused and stressed. She lights the cigarette easily, she takes three long drags before the door opens.

She knew it was only a matter of time before one of them found an excuse to join her, despite her request to be alone. She rolls her eyes slightly as she looks at Ross, who has his eyebrows raised at her, eyes flicking towards the cigarette in-between her fingertips.

She chuckles and shrugs her shoulders. He hadn't seen her smoke before and it was clear it wasn't a common occurrence, and that fact alone makes him wonder why she needed one now.

"Are you okay love?" He asks and he truly knows something is up when she just nods and deters the conversation.

"How'd you manage to get away from them?" She asks and he laughs, pulling his own pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one. She gives him the same look he gave her, sure she had seen pictures of him smoking, but she had thought he was more of a social smoker. This might have proved that, that was not the case.

He raises his eyebrows back and says a quick "sorry to disappoint you" which she just shakes her head at, for she was also smoking so she didn't care if he did too. It was actually kind of hot. Oh for God sake woman stop.

"Matty got a phone call so I slipped out and said I was going for a fag... George didn't care..." Ross explains and she nods.

His eyes wander over her features, taking in the way she's breathing deeply, in and out, smoke falling from her lips and nostrils. She smokes effortlessly and Ross can't help but like the sight. She looked good, as always, slightly tired but just as beautiful as the first time she took his breath away. But something was off, that much was clear.

"Are we okay?" He asks and she nods, but doesn't speak.

"Maybe try that again... But more convincing" he says and she can't help but laugh. She takes one last puff and drops the cigarette to the floor, stubbing it out with her booted foot.

She steps towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist, needing a hug from him more than anything. The door that was cracked open, is now swinging open, nearly snapping off it's hinges.

"I'm sorry I've been off and avoiding you... Just didn't know how to act around you" she admits into his chest. He forgets about the cigarette he was nursing, dropping it to the floor and letting it burn out as he allowed his arms to wrap around her. He rests his head on top of hers, breathing her in. The new mix of her with the addition of tobacco is even more addicting and he can't help but sigh.

"Don't be sorry... It's hard, I've felt it too... all day in fact" he admits and she feels slightly more at ease at that.

"I know you said we can't... And that's fine... But I can't keep acting like this, it feels wrong. If I wanna hug you I wanna hug you. If I want to hold your hand I want to hold your hand.... Is that okay?" She knows she should shake her head, say no, it's not okay. But she couldn't help herself. She was addicted to him and he was even more addicted to her.

So she nods, she pulls back to look at him and nods, placing her head back against his lower chest and hugging him tightly.

"So what does that mean then?" He asks, his own way of saying what are we? They clearly weren't just friends, but she wasn't allowing them to be truly more than that. They were in some kind of limbo between both of those identifiers.

"We're just us... Is that okay?" And he nods, and smiles widely down at her. He could deal with that for now. It was better than the alternative which was not having her in any way, and he couldn't live like that.

"And Matty?" Ross asks, and she raises her eyebrows, unsure what he was getting at.

"I know you said nothing is going on... but I cant help but sense something there... if you say its nothing its nothing... Just be honest with me, I can take it" Ross says and she nods, sighing deeply.

"I'm still figuring that out..." its the first time she's been truthful about Matty, not just to Ross but to herself.

"Okay... I can deal with that" he says, smiling down at her.

They return to the studio finishing up the song. By the time they leave, its dark outside, George had bid them farewell maybe 20 minutes earlier, hugging her tightly and telling her he was there for her if she needed. The exchange didn't go unnoticed by the remaining men. London is cold but the lights sparkle and she gets that childish glow in her eyes as she walks down the steps from the studio. Ross and Matty can't take their eyes off her but for once she doesn't notice. Matty breaks first, eyes falling from her to Ross.

He notices the glint in his eyes and the way his dimples show deeply, the way his eyes crease. He's seen a similar look before, but nothing of that calibre. Matty's smile drops, he had to stop this. He had to.

That look. That look on his best friend's face, it told him everything he needed to know. That he liked her perhaps more than Matty did, maybe not, but he would always, always put his friends needs and desires before his own.

The problem was, Matty was unsure he'd be able to stop. He didn't know if it was possible. But he'd try... even if it destroyed him.

"Hey um" he hesitates, their eyes fall on him "you guys go ahead, I've left something upstairs" he says. Ross frowns at him.

"You sure mate? We can wait" yn nods too.

"No it's okay... go" he smiles at his friends and then he begins walking up the steps. They begin walking down the path, with Matty watching. Watching the way he made her laugh, watching the way one arm came to rest against her shoulders, watching the way, she, the one he so desperately wanted, seemed right in his arms... At home.

© all lyrics are written and owned by yours truly (let's ignore the fact they're not that good but yeah) no stealing hehe

Note: low-key don't really like this chapter... But oh well. The only bit I actually like is the george x yn bit :(

(8) Studio Sessions

[sgt-paul]

Not everyone approved of their friendship. John's Aunt Mimi disapproved because she thought Paul was a working-class lad who was encouraging her nephew to devote time to his guitar which should have been spent studying. According to Mike McCartney, Paul's father didn't take kindly to John at all: after one meeting he told Paul, 'He'll get you into trouble, son.' He was right, of course, but mostly it was just playing truant and harmless games. One of their games involved the telephone, a rarity in working-class homes, which had been installed for Mary's work as a midwife.

PAUL: I remember the great excitement at 20 Forthlin Road when we had the phone put in. I still remember the phone number: Garston 6922. George still remembers it. It's ingrained. John and I used to play pranks with our tape recorder: record stuff, then ring up people and play the tape recorder to them and record their answers on another tape. We were supposed to be making demos. We made one for Mr Popjoy, who was one of John's teachers from Quarry Bank. We had a message that said, 'That Mr Popjoy?' then there was a wait for some reaction. I’m calling about the bananas.' Then there was another pause. We'd put that to the speaker, call his number, and the minute we heard him answer we'd switch our recorder on and it would talk to him. We had a mike at the hearing end and we would record that, so we didn't know quite what he'd said until it was all finished but we could hear something going on. Then we'd just cut him off and listen back to it. It was great 'Popjoy here. Yes? Can I help? Bananas? What bananas? I haven't ordered any bananas!'

[...]

Paul would go around the left side of the house to the back door, where Aunt Mimi would let him into a small conservatory which opened on to the kitchen and call, 'John, your little friend's here.'

PAUL: She would always refer to me as 'Your little friend'. I'd look at her, she'd smile. I'd know what she'd done. She'd know what she'd done. I would ignore it. It was very patronising, but she secretly quite liked me, she sort of twinkled, but she was very aware that John's friends were lower-class. John mixed with the lower classes, I'm afraid, you see. She was the kind of woman who would put you down with a glint in her eye, with a smile. But she'd put you down all the same. But she'd talk to John later and I remember him telling me, 'She thinks you're a better guitar player than I am,' which slightly miffed John. Did I say slightly?

A lounge led off of the kitchen and there was a front parlour containing Winston Churchill's collected works, bound in blue cloth, which John claimed to have read. John's middle name was Winston, given him by his mother in a fit of wartime patriotism. John and Mimi lived mostly in the lounge and kitchen.

PAUL: John had done a little poem that Mimi had framed in the kitchen. It was nice: 'A house where there is love ...' John had writing aspirations. At first he was writing what turned out later to be In His Own Write. He would show me what he'd been typing. I would sometimes help him with it. We would sit around giggling, just saying puns really, that's basically what it was; 'In the early owls of the Morecambe,' I remember, 'a cup o-teeth' was one section that was in the typewriter when I was around there. But I would like all that and I was very impressed. He was a big Lewis Carroll fan, which I was too. In my view two of John's great songs, 'Strawberry Fields' and 'I Am the Walrus', both come from 'Jabberwocky'. 'I am he as you are he ...' It's thanks to 'Jabberwocky' that he could do that. I had a teacher at school, a swotty guy called Dodd, who could recite 'Jabberwocky' in Latin. One of the less useful things in life... I think John saw himself as 'Our correspondent from Alexandria'. It was a romantic dream that I understood and shared. 'I'll write about it as I see it and tell them all what's really happening.' It's a lot of people's dream.

— paul mccartney: many years from now, by barry miles (1997)

[ilovedig]

Alright here's Beatles Artifacts 2 random thoughts

There is a lot so it's going under the cut

Lots of funny moments and flirty things and all that jazz.

It's worth it.

George being asked if he was the leader of the Beatles in their first interview

Lots of Hamburg recordings. Mostly rehearsals but also some live shows

Including "I Saw Her Standing There" at the Star Club with the German MC's intro

"Love Me Do" demo!

A take of "A Taste of Honey" where the drums are super up front and it totally changes the vibe of the song

Paul screwing up the lyrics of "I Saw Her Standing There" but saying he stopped because he was too fast, and George Martin saying "no, you got the words wrong" totally sends me

Paul fucked up the bass line on "One After 909" and John bitches at him saying "what are you doing, you're out of your mind"

George Martin calling "Thank You Girl" "Thank You Little Girl"

All 7 Christmas fan records, every single one is amazing, except the last one which is just a lot of Yoko talking and John calling her "mommy"

But the first Christmas record there seems to be heavy McLennon flirting

Paul practicing his "I'm A Loser" harmonies and John actively singing the melody to not help him (also a totally different harmony from the final take)

"it didn't work out"

Jingle Bells with someone on kazoo

Paul saying John's name high pitched and whiney like Yoko in the future

These Christmas records totally sound like something you'd post on Instagram stories

John reading his poetry on the radio (can totally feel the Alice in Wonderland reference)

The whole band singing "Yesterday"

John hearing his backwards vocal in "Rain" so many times he can sing it

The 1966 Christmas fan record is Paul playing a girl

John's Maharishi Demo, he talks about all the attractive men at Reshikesh

Everyone applauding Ringo at the end of the take of "Don't Pass Me By" and then all the weirdness at the end of the take

The '68 Christmas fan record sounds totally normal, no indication things are wrong.

MAL SPEAKS

Tiny Tim singing "Nowhere Man" is everything I didn't know I needed in my life

"When I'm 64" at Twickenham which I don't remember from Get Back

A cover of a song that absolutely would not be acceptable to release today from Twickenham which is totally fascinating

A version of "Let It Be" from Twickenham that I totally have never heard before

In conclusion, download now!

1960-1963

1964-1965

1966-1967

1968

1969

[transmascfrankiero]

all of mcr’s songs ranked out of ten based on whether or not you can strip to them:

romance: could work if you were going for a Super Melancholy smiths-esque vibe but overall too slow and pretty. 1/10

honey: headbanger soundtrack to showcase your revenge body to ur ex. bonus points for underlying ‘gonna murder shitty boyfriend’ context thanks to audition-inspired video. but slightly too angry to be seductive. 5/10

vampires: too goth, too many feelings. reminds me of pot dreads frank. would not work. 0/10

drowning lessons: this song is cursed and cannot be listened to in public unfortunately 0/10

sorrows: if u were going to do a strip routine while beating the shit out of someone for trying to stealing ur tip money this would be a gr8 choice 6/10

halos: it’s about blowing your own head off and taking too many pills to cope w/ wanting to die all the time. 0/10

turnstiles: please do not!!! strip!!! to a song!!! about 9/11!!!! what is wrong w/ you!!! -100000000/10

monroeville: if u were doing a private lil strip dance for your george a. romero-obsessed s.o. where u both cry over the idea of having to kill the other person b/c they turned into a zombie then sure??? but other than that no. .5/10

best day ever: ehhhhhh. too fast. kinda weird to get sexy to unless u have a hospital kink. 0/10

cubicles: wow the thought of doing a strip routine to a song about pining for ur coworker who doesn’t know u exist is too sad to even joke about -20/10

demolition lovers: it’s a long song but it’s got cool tempo changes for variety and if u got the stamina then go for it. 4/10

helena: so, like, i get it. it’s a bop. u could dance to this beat for sure. the costumes and color scheme from the video make for gr8 stage pictures and the dancing corpse lady is v pretty. i could understand why if u were doing an emo strip routine u would want to use helena. but please for the love of all that is holy do NOT strip to a song gerard way wrote about his dead grandmother okay i am BEGGING you -∞/10

give ‘em hell kid: FUCK YEAH YOU LOOK PRETTY WALKIN DOWN THE STREET IN THE BEST DAMN DRESS U OWN. 10/10

to the end: this would be a hilarious choice for a bachelor party ngl 7/10 for that alone

prison: absolutely you could strip to this song but u gotta COMMIT okay u gotta light something on fire onstage and challenge gender norms while screaming your head off 8/10 but only if ur not a coward

i’m not okay: it’s a bop, but can u strip to it? no. 0/10

ghost of you: mikey way did not die on a beach in fake normandy for u to strip to ghost of you. seek help -5/10

jetset life: dude this song like. actually works??? for a strip routine??? so long as you don’t actually listen to the words, from a musical perspective, u could totally strip to this 10/10

interlude: what kinda weird catholic shame kink do u need to have to strip to this song. also it’s too short and too pretty. -5/10 (unless ur into catholic shame idk)

venom: this would require such a high energy routine but if u can make being sweaty work then this is a gr8 choice 7/10

hang ‘em high: this is a BATSHIT INSANE choice for a strip routine but if u want to do it then PLEASE do. i like ur style. 8/10

deathwish: u can strip to this only if u introduce ur routine by dedicating it to everyone who ever said eyeliner on dudes was gay. 5/10

cemetery drive: i think not. 0/10

never told you: if u are a highly theatrical highly murderous stripper then yes definitely 7/10

desert song: this song is Way Too Beautiful to strip to sorry you can’t have it -300/10

the end.: the only sexy thing about this song is how good gerard’s voice sounds so no. 0/10

dead!: this is a bold fucking choice but u have to play your cards just right. high risk high reward but SO much to potentially get wrong 6/10

how i disappear: u could. but why. 2/10

sharpest lives: holy SHIT yes ABSOLUTELY u should strip to sharpest lives. the drama. the beat. the spy rock guitar that frank accidentally nailed. this is one of THE choicest options from their catalog. why aren’t u stripping to this right now 50000000/10

wttbp: cute idea but don’t actually 0/10

i don’t love you: again, a bold fucking choice. u could strip to this in an edgy, meta sort of way but it’s missing the trashy factor so it’d have to be part performance art and part strip routine. if ur into that then totally 5/10

house of wolves: i mean i would pay money to see someone strip to this song so 7/10

cancer: LMAO YIKES -2000000/10

mama: this would be GLORIOUS if u fully embraced the sheer insanity and went Bonkers in Fuckin Zonkers burlesque-show-in-hell w/ it. 100/10 but u gotta pound the floor wailing at some point

sleep: i’m conflicted on this one like on the one hand it’s a good tempo for stripping but on the other hand it’s a song about being cruel to ur loved ones in order to force distance between u and them b/c you’re terrified of them getting hurt and it being all your fault. so maybe don’t strip to this one actually 0/10

teenagers: a bop w/ a great beat and fun costume ideas from the video but two major drawbacks being 1. ur getting naked to a song about teenagers which is uhhhh sort of Inappropriate and 2. it’s kind of also about school shooters which is also Inappropriate to get naked to. 0/10

disenchanted: why would u want this. you sad fuck. idek what to say except if you want to strip to this song i’m crying on your behalf -100000000/10

famous last words: don’t????? don’t. Do Not. stop that. -12/10

blood: this is HILARIOUS omg please strip to blood 10/10

kill all your friends: sure?? no objections but it’s an odd choice. this goes for the demo too. 2/10

heaven help us: if u want to strip to this then you definitely just read unholyverse for the first time and while u are valid, Don’t 0/10

my way home is through you: not an especially sexy song but it’s fun!! you do you 3/10

astro zombies (cover): uhhhhhh it’s a no from me dawg. i’d be thinking about danzig, like, the whole time. 0/10

desolation row: sure but u gotta be willing to get punched in the face by the riot squad for maximum effect 4/10

common people (cover): just b/c gerard would strip to britpop doesn’t mean u can. 0/10

emily: NO!!!! -50000/10

party at the end of the world: nah. 0/10

not that kind of girl: literally please consider the subject matter of this song and rethink ur life choices. -10/10

all the angels: it’s a cool song but don’t strip to it that’s weird -2/10

jack the ripper: you and the person who wants to strip to astro zombies can go sit in the suicidegirls corner together how about that. 0/10

na na na: a banger!! strip away my friend 9/10

bulletproof heart: a good song but not a strip song 1/10

sing: sorry this song is [REDACTED] it gets no score

planetary (go!): you could try to strip to this but it’s such a classic four-on-the-floor that i think you’d end up just regular dancing to it and forget to be sexy so 4/10

the only hope for me is you: are you doing a strip tease for michael bay. stop. put ur shirt back on shia lebeouf 0/10

party poison: like this is a hilarious option and i support you but realistically it’s pretty fast for a strip song 3/10

save yourself, i’ll hold them back: this is a safe option. Too Safe. almost soulless. a person who’d strip to this would avoid eye contact the entire time and never smile and later when you went out for a smoke break you’d overhear them on the phone with their ex arguing over child support payments. 4/10

s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w: the more i think about it the more fun the idea of stripping to this becomes so i say go for it 6/10

summertime: i’m Certain that gerard would prefer if you didn’t -5/10

destroya: is this objectively the best mcr song to strip to? Absolutely. it’s got everything you could possibly want right down to built-in moans and fever dream drums. but the only person in the universe who Can Must and Should strip to this song is gerard. sorry them’s the breaks. ∞/10 but only if you’re gerard way

kids from yesterday: don’t. 0/10

vampire money: 100% yes you should strip to this. bonus points for stealth twilight references 1000000/10

we don’t need another song about california: do i like this song? yes. is it sexy? no. 0/10

black dragon fighting society: i can’t understand what the FUCK gerard is saying in this song AT ALL so i can’t recommend that u strip to it b/c i have no fucking idea what it’s ABOUT 0/10

f.t.w.w.w.: i mean. this song is about eating pussy. and robots that are built specifically to fuck. so yes you can strip to this but you gotta dress up like a pornbot 100/10

mastas of ravencroft: again i cannot understand most of the fucking words and the ones i do understand are something something RICKETY BONES RICKETY HANDS so like. probably not the one 0/10

boy division: i could go either way on this one like it’s really fast but it’s also about cocaine so??? 3/10

tomorrow’s money: while this song slaps overall violent nihilism does not a strip song make 1/10

ambulance: no. 0/10

gun.: antiwar messages are sexy but not the right kind for stripping 1/10

the world is ugly: PLEASE no. 0/10

the light behind your eyes: oh my god this is so DEPRESSING why would you want to strip to this who hurt you -2000000/10

kiss the ring: yes yes yes it’s got built-in audience participation conceit factor if u let ur audience kiss ur ring, totally works 10/10

make room!!!: again, slaps, but not a strip song 1/10

surrender the night: dude we talked about this!!! dying violently w/ ur loved ones is Not Sexy!!! 0/10

burn bright: i guess you could strip to this but again it’s Too Safe tread carefully 3/10

fake your death: i want frank iero to strip to this song so i can throw tomatoes at him for being a LYING SACK OF SHIT FOR TWO YEARS i’m not gonna rate this one but frank if ur out there i have a basket of slightly squishy heirloom tomatoes and i am COMING FOR YOU

[chickenmcfly1]

6, 15, 26, 33, 73 for Marty

thanks for the ask!

6. What would they give their life for?

Well first and foremost, Doc. Marty would give his life if it was needed to save Doc in a situation and he really wouldn't think twice about it. The same holds good for Jennifer and his parents and siblings. Outside of people, I think correcting his mistakes is something Marty would give his life for. Like I think if the almanac situation had required Marty to sacrifice his life for some reason to turn 1985A back to the normal 1985, I think that Marty would've easily done it on a mindset of "I made the mistake, and nobody else should feel the repercussions of my actions except me." Now I don't think Doc would ever let it come to this, but that's besides the point.

15. What is something their parents taught them?

There are many things that I can think of from a more cynical angle (like the nonpermanent nature of love and how things can go sour so quickly in relationships) but I'm going to take this from a more positive angle and say that Marty learned from his parents that deep down, under all the dysfunction, familial love is unconditional. Deep down, Lorraine still loves George because she chooses to stay with him and wants him to be better because she loves him and wants to be with a version of him that loves her too. George loves Lorraine, he just doesn't how to express it. Lorraine loves her kids and her harsh parenting, especially around to topic of relationships, is just so her kids don't get hurt in the same way she did (assuming similar stuff went down in the original 1955) and George loves his kids, clearly shown through the way he's apologetic about Biff ruining Marty's weekend plans and the way he tries to protect Marty from getting his feeling hurt (even if he does it by just telling Marty to not try, but it does come from a place of love). This whole family loves each other even though they all suck at expressing it and I think that once Marty is a few years out from that toxic situation, he will realize that the reason all of them were so miserable because of their family life was just because they all wanted better for each other because there was so much love between them. (now PSA, this is just a movie and in real life we shouldn't excuse toxicity bc it's rooted in love. Just thought I needed to follow my statement up with this)

26. Are they aware of their flaws?

Post BTTF III, very much so. In fact, after the trilogy I see Marty being so hyperaware of all of his flaws and shortcomings because he's seen just how one mistake can send someone's whole life down the tubes. So I think after the trilogy, Marty is extremely aware of all his flaws and takes every mistake he makes in any situation (on a school test, in an audition, or just a general life screw up) extremely seriously. I do think he would take being self aware a bit too far, though, and It would cause him a lot of anxiety, but once again, as he grows out, it would probably shift to a healthier balance where Marty is aware that he has to make good decisions and he can't just go wherever his emotions take him, but he doesn't beat himself up over failures and understands that it's okay to not be perfect all the time.

33. What is their biggest fear? How would they react to having to face it?

I think that Marty's biggest fear before time travel was failure. He hates being called chicken, he hates being criticized (he dislikes his mom and Strickland for doing so), he hates messing up and doesn't want to remain in a situation where he might fail (the audition and demo tape), so I guess his initial fear is more not being good enough. So I'd say before the trilogy, his biggest fear is not being enough. After the trilogy, I think it would be his loved ones dying. He's seen it happen one too many times and everyone is afraid of their parents or best friends dying, but having that become a reality so many times has probably made Marty quite paranoid about it. I think post trilogy Marty would face his fear of not being god enough by reminding himself that if he puts his mind to it, he can accomplish anything and by knowing that there is always room to grow and that being better is in his own hands. He would also face it by reminding himself that he doesn't need other people's validation and their opinions of him don't matter. As to his fear of losing his loved ones, I think if it happened, Marty would go to any length to reverse it and fix whatever went wrong.  If he couldn't, I think Marty would break down and somehow blame himself, pushing himself to a very dark mental place for quite some time, but through the natural process that is managing grief, he would eventually pull himself together and focus on honoring that person's memory.

73. Outdoors or Indoors?

I imagine someone as energetic and easily distracted as Marty would feel stifled if they were forced to be indoors for a long time, so outdoors for Marty. I imagine he likes to skateboard around, just listening to music and feeling the wind when he wants to think, and I bet he likes exploring too. But if it's cold outside, Marty does prefer being indoors, padded with many layers and snuggled up with someone by a fire

hope you like the responses!

[spaceorphan18]

99 Perspectives on a Single Love Story #31

A/N: The Story of Kurt and Blaine told through the eyes of everyone else but them. Each chapter is a different perspective in the ongoing tale of their love story.

I started something like this a while back - and now I’m taking the idea and really running with it. Each chapter is a ficlet of a different character at a different point in Kurt and Blaine’s life - documenting their love story. This starts in Audition, and each chapter will be paired with a different episode until reaching Dreams Come True.

[Ao3]

***

Don Barowski (Extraordinary Merry Christmas) 

PBS Station Manager Don Barowski sits in his office with McKinley High student Artie Abrams. Artie has brought in a demo of the Christmas special he and the McKinley High Glee Club are preparing to do. Baroski couldn’t be happier. Baroski has always been a choir aficionado and after seeing the glee club in action, he hadn’t hesitated to call their director to see if they would be free for the open slot. Thank god they were! Not only is his butt saved with his higher-ups, but he gets to enjoy good Christmas music. What could possibly be better?

Of course, he has asked Artie in to review his vision. While Barowski trusts handing the reins over to a high school student, his bosses aren’t as confident, and one stipulation they have is to go over Artie’s plan before they start setting up for the special. So, Artie has brought in a tape of their rehearsal to show off his vision. Barowski wiggles in his seat, hand clutching the remote excitedly as he pushes play.

What he sees isn’t exactly what he expects, as the two kids on screen start in on a rendition of Let It Snow. The music is fine, but the style is very old-timey, which is a bit jarring as they are modern kids acting it out in their choir room. Barowski pushes pause, to look over to a thoughtful Artie.

“You mind explaining it a bit better for me,” Barowski asks. “I’m not sure I’m getting it.”

“That’s because it’s not staged right yet,” Artie assures him. “Think black and white, Judy Garland and those specials of the 60s. I’m wanting to bring it back old school. Really old school. A homage to the classic Christmas specials of an age long past.”

Hey now, Barowski thinks. That was his childhood. Kids these days. “So, is one of these kids supposed to be Judy Garland?” he asks, using the remote to point at the TV screen.

Artie lets out a laugh. “Oh, not exactly. That’s just Kurt hamming it up. He does do a fantastic Judy. I saw him do a really good Liza once, too.” He tilts his head thinking about it.

“Oh, it’s two boys?” Barowski says. He has to admit, the one with the high voice, and strange, half-cut women’s sweater had confused him. “Is he one of those trangender folk? I mean, don’t get me wrong -- I am all in support of that. My nei-nephew, Alex, says that he is a transgender male. Delightful young person. I do what I can to support him.”

Artie’s jaw drops slightly, his eyes bulging. Oh no, did he say something wrong? He tries to be up on the lingo, but admittedly, he’s not always good with it.

“No,” Artie says slowly.

“Oh, well, that one boy he looks, oh what’s the word? Androgynous. Not that I care. I was around in the 80s. Annie Lennox, Boy George, even David Bowie. They were all androgynous back then. But Don Barowski does not care what you look like, as long as you’re making good music,” Barowski gives a grin to Artie.

Artie snorts into his hand. “Well, other than his voice and his unique sense of style. Kurt definitely identifies as a man. Don’t worry, once we get the costumes on them, you’ll see that they’re most obviously a family friendly gay couple. And I think it’s ingenious of myself to cast a young, gay couple at the center of this production. Completely progressive.”

Barowski furrows his brow in confusion. “But they said they were roommates.”

“Well, yes, that’s the joke,” Artie explains. “Back in the 60s, being roommates was code for being gay.”

“But we’re no longer in the 60s. Can’t they just be a couple?” Barowski asks. “PBS would not mind, and I think it sends a good message to our, shall I say, rather conservative audience that these kids are okay.”

“Let’s just watch the tape,” Artie says, in a huff, grabbing the remote, pushing play.

A couple of young girls join the two boys. “So, are they a lesbian couple who are roommates, too?” Barowski asks.

“No,” Artie says sharply.

“But an interracial lesbian couple would be even more progressive.”

“The lesbians are later.”

“Where does the Wookie fit in?”

[stochastic-macd]

GMail To Technical Trader

On the 13th of July 2020, I received a Gmail from a TSTW SYS 008 technical trader.  I read it and took some time to digest it.  On the 17th of July 2020, I replied to that Gmail.   I will not mention the name of the technical trader, but all I would say is that I like very much his attitude or approach to technical trading.  

Of course, there are other TSTW technical traders who make me proud, and give me the encouragement to continue to assist traders that want to trade like a pro.

   For the first time I am sharing a private email in a public place because I believe, it will help other technical traders to flow with the financial markets.  Here it is.

Thank you for your email.  I have taken some time to digest your email. I understand what you are trying to do.  It is normal because that is how a trader often adjusts on the level five of the ladder of trading.

I have used a trading software called Decision Bar ( https://www.decisionbar.com/ ) and another one for Forex but I forgot its name.  That was years ago.  I used them for three months or so then I abandoned them altogether because they have not made me a better trader.  My goal was to learn to trade like a pro.   Personally, I do not recommend trading software because I do not use them.  I am not saying that they do not have their place.  Usually, trading firms or investment banks use them.   They may be suitable to some traders.  

However, they will only make money for traders who know how to trade or invest.  It is strange but I have discovered that the financial markets only reward those that understand them.  

I think etoro and other brokers now offer their clients the chance to watch other traders and copy their trades.  The fact is that everyone will have some bad trading weeks.  For that, I say to traders, trade less from the 1st to 8 and 15 to 17 each month because those are challenging times in the markets.

I think that would help you a lot because one does not want to challenge the markets those days.  Traders also lose a lot in the months of July, October, January and April.  We are now in July.  Right?

Why?  Well, this is just because of the earnings season. As you can see, trading is similar to sailing or flying.  It does not matter whether one has the best engine or not, one must still decide what is the best time to fly or sail.  I will not add more because I know you already understand what I am saying.

Those bad times in the markets also affect trading robots and software. Price goes ups and down all the time.  That is also the case for the winning rate.  So, one should only trade when doors are open and trade qualitatively.  I said to day traders that the best time for day trading is the first two-hour when London and New York are open. That is 4H per day.  

To swing traders I said, in my opinion it is better to enter a swing trade on Tuesday than Monday.  And if a swing trader is in profit up to Thursday, bank some profits or secure gains before New York is closed.  Friday is like Monday again and so on.

I am pleased that you are aware of the high frequency traders.  Their influence has diminished a bit because many now know how they operate.  It is always the same.  A trading robot or software or HFT traders come and then few years later they start losing ground.  Why?  Well, if they are not flowing with the market principles, they will not last.  

It doesn't matter what damage they have caused to others, they will either disappear or go bankrupt.  Indeed, many HFT firms are now obsolete.

I am pleased with your attitude because you are using a demo account to improve your skills.  Try to concentrate on your winning trades to see why they have been successful.  Those are your strong points.  Note down also the time and day you took those wonderful trades.  Write down also the financial instruments that consistently friendly to you and trade those only.

I will stop here for now because I am writing too much this morning.  I will get back to you in a few days.  Having said all that, follow your destiny and decide what is good for you because that was my opinion.  At the end of the day, nothing will stop you if you truly believe that you are born to take money out of the financial markets.  

I wish you the very best in your trading and until the next time, enjoy yourself and be very happy.

Happy Trading George

I hope that Gmail to a technical trader has been helpful to you.  Please put into use those small tips and tricks.  Remember that technical trading or investing is similar to flying and sailing.

If that Gmail to a technical has been useful to you, please share and bookmark it.  I will really appreciate it.  Please do not hesitate to post relevant questions and comments at 24Stocktrader YouTube channel and in due course, I will get back to you.

If you are already a TSTW technical trader, feel free to send me a Gmail and I will surely get back to you. This article is written by George Beaulieu, founder of https://www.stochastic-macd.com

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Love, Maybe? {14}

Chris Evans X Reader OFC Vixen Giovanni

Warning: Plot, Cursing, Angst

Word Count: 3.9K

Summary: After a night of drunkenness you wake up next to warm, hot as hell body, a migraine and no memory of the night before. When you come to realize that the hot body belongs to none other than Hollywood’s golden boy Chris Evans you freak out. As events unfold you become even more panicked to find out you got married in your drunken haze. What else is there to do but get it annulled, right? Before walking away, you share one more night of molten kisses and passion. 3 years later you are still living with the repercussions of your brash decisions, but the surprises don’t stop there. The past has a way of coming back and have you questioning is this fate that you’ve been running from, hell could it have been love, maybe?

Note: Italic texts is an inner Vixen thought. Bold Italic texts is an inner Chris thought.

**Slightly Edited/Proofread**

**Partially Interactive**

Thank you guys for reading!!!! If you enjoyed this please LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG. 😊 ❤️  ❤️ ❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 14: Finding Vixen

 -Vixen-

   “Wow, things are moving quickly.”

   You spun around the construction site the crew was making progress with the space that would be your restaurant. You couldn’t believe in a matter of weeks what was happening.

   “Things move quickly when everything aligns,” Zack responded from behind you. You looked to him and smiled, but as you stared at him, you only saw one face looking back at you. The smile slipped from your lips, and you gulped down the emotion threatening to spill out. Turning your back, you tried your best to pull yourself together.

    “You okay Vixen?”

   Clearing your throat, you nodded as you took a few steps away to what would or could be the spot for the outdoor eating spot. You bit your bottom lip, while a swell of pride and accomplishment fulled you, sadness and a feeling of being overwhelmed flooded you as well. It had been four days since you’d seen Chris, four days since your entire world had come crashing down, four days since the feelings you thought were long gone surfaced again, four days since the encounter you’d always dreaded and planned would go smoothly went the opposite. Sighing you took a deep breath and turned to face Zack, Kassius and the small team that was assembled for your expansion.

 “Are you happy with this so far? Any suggestions?”

   Glancing around you took in the demolition that looked just to have begun. You shook your head.

   “No, this looks to be the beginning nothing much to make suggestions on. I’d like to look at it again once it’s cleared out, just want to make sure everything transitions right.”

   “Absolutely. I’ve seen Giovanni’s in San Fran; I can imagine how particular you are about the visual of your restaurant. As long as we’re on schedule, things should be clear in another day or two,” Timothy one of the members of the team said.

   You nodded and made your way to the front door as everyone else followed. When you stepped out into the LA sun, you placed your sunglasses on your nose. Zack approached beside you and put his hand on the small of your back.

   “Are you sure you’re okay?”

   “Yes, I’m fine. I just haven’t gotten a lot of sleep the last few days, and it’s always a hassle moving in.”

   Zack nodded and slowly rubbed your back. You tried not to shy away from his touch.

   “I can treat you to a relaxing night, dinner, a drink, maybe a massage.”

   He smiled softly, and you felt the genuineness of his offer, but you knew it wasn’t something you were going to pass on. You smiled, hoping to soften the blow.

  “You’re so sweet Zack, I appreciate it, I really do, but since the move, Ella hasn’t gotten back to her regular sleeping schedule I need to focus on her right now. I’m sorry.”

  He looked as if he were trying to swallow the rejection. You hoped he wouldn’t make it a big thing. In all truth, while you liked his company, you really didn’t want to date. You didn’t feel much of anything for anyone, except him. Zack nodded, looked down, and nodded some more.

   “I understand. You’re a mom first. It’s admirable. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not disappointed, but I understand. Just uh—I want you to know that I like you Vixen, I didn’t expect it, but there it is. I would like to get to know you better really try to build something with you.”

   “Uuugh, jeez Vix. What do you say to that?”

   After you looked around you taking notice of how close the others were you decided now wasn’t the right place to let him down. You also didn’t want to lead him on.

   “All right Vixen, so we’re going to schedule another walk through once all demo is done, and we’ll make some decisions. I have a few mocks for you to look over and hopefully by then we’ll have some ideas,” Kassius said.

   “Yes, I’ll look over these.”

   You took the folder that looked thicker than a George A. Romano novel and bugged your eyes out.

  “Good lord.”

   “Yes, a lot of decisions to be made, this is the fun part,” he finished with a broad smile on his face.

   “I’ll see you then. Are you coming, Zack? We’re still on for golf?”

   Zack looked at you and nodded once he realized you weren’t going to respond to his declaration. You were glad your shades were darker than the midnight sky because your eyes weren’t hiding anything.

   “Yeah. I’ll call you,” Zack said before he walked to Kassius and the two walked off to Kassius’ bright red sports car. You nodded your head to the rest of the team and made your way to your rental car.

   You looked into the mirror and shook your head before you started your engine to begin on your to-do list. At the top was picking up some more groceries, then some office supplies and then to pick up some stuff for Ella. You hated the grocery places around the house; they were overpriced for no reason, and the produce never looked fresh. That meant you were going to drive over five miles to get to the supermarket Zack told you about—Gleason’s.

   As you drove your mind drifted back to seeing Chris. The last time you’d seen him, you’d told him to have a nice life. You were pissed and hurt, and it seemed like a good enough thing to say. Shit, you didn’t even know why you were pissed, you brought it on yourself. You were stupid enough to think that there was anything possible between the two of you.

   You should have known better. The way he carried himself, the way he spoke, and dressed it screamed bachelor, screamed down for a good time and nothing more. Every alarm rang off in your head about him the minute you saw him at the table. Everything in you screamed “don’t,” but the other voice in you said, “just do it, it’s Vegas.” Yeah well, “it’s Vegas” turned into a kid and haunting memories. That didn’t change the fact that he was still gorgeous and his shoulders were bigger than ever.

   “Of course he had to be gorgeous. Of course he couldn’t turn ugly or have gained thirty pounds of fat. No, he got sexy as fuck and gained thirty pounds of muscle.”

   You groaned loudly and focused again on the GPS that predicted you’d reach your destination in five minutes. Once you parked in the lot, you roamed the aisles pushing the cart before you.

  “Black tea, herbal tea, coffee, check.” You dropped the items in the cart and went perusing down the next.

   “Rice Krispies, honey bunches of oats, oatmeal, flour, food coloring, sugar, yeast, check.”

   You turned down the refrigerator aisle to scan for eggs, milk, butter, cheese, yogurt, orange juice, coffee creamer, jello, cream cheese, and that disgusting iced coffee drink Nexus loved. With your list about half done you allowed yourself to get distracted in the produce section where they held fresh flowers. You loved fresh flowers. There were pink, red, blue, yellow and even white flowers of all varieties. You decided on two beautiful assortments of pink and yellow roses and a separate one of pink orchids, you loved orchids. Tipping your head down to take a whiff of the fragrant flowers you looked over to the other side of the section and saw the actor Nexus was losing her mind over—Anthony Mackie. Quickly putting the flowers in your cart you made a u-turn to get back on track, you definitely didn’t want a run in.

   Just as you thought you were safe in the bread aisle holding two selections of bread, one you liked and one Ella couldn’t get enough of you you saw him. Your legs thought you had time to make another getaway, but your brain knew better, he saw you too. Anthony approached you with a friendly smile on his face as he tipped his hat lower. You knew it was pointless, but you still turned and rolled out the aisle. As soon as you made it to the soda and water aisle, he was at your side.

   “Vixen right?”

   Sighing, you nodded. “That’s right.”

   “I’m going to say you didn’t see me, that’s why you walked away; otherwise, that was rude.”

   You snorted and shook your head. He had to be kidding.

   “I was trying to protect your incognito look. I’m thinking if these people knew they were walking next to The Falcon himself they’d draw a scene and there goes your disguise. By the way, that’s a horrible disguise.”

   Anthony chuckled and nodded his head.

   “Of course you’re as snarky as your sister. Speaking of, how is she? Is she here?”

   You looked at Anthony as he quickly looked up and down the aisle as if looking for her. Scoffing again you responded, “No, she’s not here. Why does it matter?”.

   “Just curious.”

   “Bullshit!”

   You laughed out loud and pushed the cart further and placed other items in your cart. “I can see right through you. Looks like another one bites the dust.”

   “Another one bites the dust? What does that mean?”

   “It means you’ve been hit with the Nexus haze. Almost every man that speaks to her for any amount of time falls under her spell. You Mr big-time movie star are no different.”

   Anthony smiled and shrugged, but he didn’t look as smug as he usually did, no this time he looked as if he felt threatened as if he were worried. He should be Nexus wasn’t half a woman like these barbie doll actresses and models she was one hundred percent that bitch and she was a force to be reckoned with. The two of you walked in silence for a few feet.

   “So, I learned a fun fact recently. You’d never believe it,” Anthony began.

   “Oh yeah, what fun fact is that?”

   “Three years ago, a woman went to Vegas for some fun and ended marrying Captain America himself.” Your brain failed to communicate with your legs, and you just stopped in the middle of the aisle.

   “He told him. Shit!”

   “But you believe it, because—,” Anthony leaned into your ear and whispered. “You are that woman.”

   You looked to him, unsure what to say. You could deny, deny, deny, but you were sure Chris was the one to tell him. You sighed again.

   “Don’t worry, he’s my best friend, your secret is safe with me.” You walked again and turned down another aisle.

   “Was it shock that had you running like a bat outta hell, or was it something else? Do you hate him?”

   “I hate no one; there is no time for all of that. I have too many things to accomplish.”

  “Okay, a mature one. He lucked out,” Anthony joked. The humor of it was lost on you. You didn’t bother laughing or smiling about it either.

   “It was good seeing you again, take care,” you rushed out as you walked to the cash-out. You didn’t know if you’d gotten everything, but you needed to get out of there. It was insane; every second you spent around him, you felt it was only a matter of time before he saw the truth through your eyes, or seeping from your pores.

   You unloaded the groceries on the belt then saw Anthony help. Rolling your eyes, you stayed quiet.

   “How do you feel about seeing him again after so long?”

   Groaning you turned to him your frustrations seeped out. “What’s it to you? What’s with all the questions? We did what we did, but we also went through with the divorce, it’s all water under the bridge now. No need to keep talking about it.”

   Anthony studied you as you continued to unload the groceries so the cashier could do her job. You were usually good at keeping your emotions in check, but everything was becoming a lot more difficult. You hated it.

   “Whew, that sounds like a lot of hurt and anger, years worth of it. Maybe not so much water under the bridge, huh.” Antony’s eyes bored into you, and you narrowed yours. Anthony nodded again and stepped back.

   “Take care of yourself Vixen. Oh, and could you give your sister a message for me? Tell her I didn’t mean to hurt her, I didn’t plan on it. I was telling her the truth.”

   As quickly as he appeared, he disappeared, allowing you to focus again. You moved as quickly as you could to wrap up the rest of your errands. By the time you made it home, the sun was down, and you had a car full of shit. After thirty minutes of unloading and unpacking, you dropped onto the couch to catch your breath. Ella ran to you, you quickly scooped her up and dropped kiss after kiss across her face. She released an uproar of giggles that made your heart swell.

   “Top, top, top!”

   “No, no, no, take all mommy’s kisses, take them all!”

   Her laughter filled the entire room, and soon, Nexus was beside you holding Ella down as she tickled her small ribs. This only made her wiggle and scream even more. The two of you slowly stopped, and Ella settled down comfortably in your arms, holding tightly to you.

  “Long day?”

   You looked to Nexus and nodded.

   “That’s a big book.”

   “It is, and I have a few more days to look through and find my aesthetic for the next round of meetings. Things are moving fast. Maybe we can be in and out of LA sooner than I thought.”

   Nex gave you a look that said: “be real, aren’t you forgetting something.” You ignored it and flipped through the design pages.

   “Vixen.”

   “What do you think of this one? It’s airy and modern but still has a traditional vibe.”

   Flipping to another page, you have the book your full attention. Seeing another contender, you showed your sister.

   “Ooh, this looks very modern like a real celebrity restaurant. Doesn’t say much to traditional comfort but what the hell step into the times, right.”

   “Vixen!”

   “What!?”

   “You know what,” Nexus exasperated. You shrugged and continued to flip the pages determined not to address what Nex clearly wanted you to.

   “Vixen, you know damn well you can’t leave LA without telling Chris about Ella.” You groaned and rolled your eyes.

   You knew you shouldn’t have told her shit. Now it would be even harder to ignore the shoulds. When you didn’t answer after a few minutes, she took the heavy binder off your lap and placed it on the side table nearest her. Groaning you stood and walked back in the kitchen to busy yourself, hoping it would distract you. You took out the meat for the meatballs you planned on making to accompany the spaghetti—Ella’s favorite. Refusing to take the hint, Nex walked in and crossed her arms before the island. You knew ignoring her would only work for so long, but you were going to milk it for every second you could.

   You took out the flour and the other ingredients to make your signature pasta. Once you opened the fridge to grab some tomatoes and herbs for your sauce and closed the door, you came face to face with Nexus’ annoyed face. You snorted unable to hide your amusement.

   “This isn’t funny Vix. It’s serious and a huge thing. It’s not just your life; you’re impacting. There are two other people, one small who cannot make a decision and the other who--,”

   “Who what Nex? You don’t know him. You don’t know what he’s really like,” you blurted out slamming the cutlery drawer a tad harder than you intended.

    “What the hell does that mean?”

   Again you ignored her and began washing your produce, focusing on getting every invisible speck of dirt. You’d told her the cliff notes version, beginning, middle, then end. You didn’t tell her the in between. You didn’t want to relive it out loud, you were fine keeping it a trip you took every night before you went to sleep. Once the produce was washed, you got to work chopping and dicing. You knew you were stressed because the knife was moving faster than ever and you knew she saw it too.

   “I’m waiting. What does that mean? What is he really like?”

   Kissing your teeth, you shook your head, “Forget it, Nex; it’s not important.”

   “Clearly it is. There has to be a reason why you never told him about her, a reason you never claimed the child support that was rightfully yours. You know you could have used it while you were pregnant and the parts of the first year. Why? Did he hurt you? does he hit women?”

   Nex shifted her stance, and you knew she was ready to pop off. She’d always been your keeper, your protector. You remembered a few girls she’d seriously beat down because they looked at you wrong across the playground. You sighed out, taking a pause with the chopping to give her a reassuring look.

   “No, he didn’t hit me.” You saw her shoulders relax and her expression softening; then you returned to the task at hand.

   “So he didn’t hit you. He did hurt you though.”

   Nexus was no idiot. She knew how to hear what you said and decipher what you didn’t. You did your best to give no reaction as you moved around the kitchen.

   “Okay, I get it. You didn’t tell him to spite him.”

   “No!”

   Though you adamantly rebuked that, part of you felt a way and you wondered if any part of you felt that way.

   “Okay. So he hurt you, you ran back home with your tail tucked, and you hid away for the next near three years. What did he do?”

   “Nex, please. It’s not important. Let’s drop it.”

   “I’m trying to help. You seem to be ignoring or purposely forgetting that you have to tell him. I owe him nothing, and I don’t know him from Adam and my loyalties don’t lie with him that’s with you--,”

   “So drop it. Have my back, be my pitbull!”

   “Vix, don’t ever get it twisted and think I’m not riding for you one hundred. It’s always been you and me against the world, and it’s still that way. Just—this goes past that. This is a morally right and wrong issue. How would you feel not knowing you had a mini replica of you running around the world?”

   “Fine, because I wouldn’t know.” Nexus walked around the island to you and put her arm around you. She could sense your breakdown was imminent. She gently rubbed your bare arm and let the silence fill the room. You closed your eyes, hoping to stop your warring thoughts. Of course part of you knew what she was saying was sound and right, but the other side refused to hear it.

   “You’re afraid,” Nexus worded.

   There it was plain as day, no hidden pretenses, no shade, no covers, just blatant truth. You were afraid. You were shitfaced scared.

   “It’s okay to be scared. There is nothing wrong with it. Hell if you weren’t scared I’d be worried because that would show that you really have no intention of doing the right thing. I know you, Vix, do the right thing is your middle name. Somewhere inside you know you have to tell him, want to or not, have to and should outweigh it this time.”

   “This is why I didn’t want to go to that stupid expo or come to this dumb place. It has a way of stealing and crushing dreams,” you groaned out.

   “Or realigning them and showing you a new, different, better dream.”

   You glanced at Nexus, took a deep breath, and released it. She was right — bottom line.

   “Fuck!”

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Chris-

  415-653-7575.

   It wasn’t hard to get. All he had to do was google her and her location. He had all her information from three years ago. He had her full name, city, state, P.O Box information. In truth, he had everything he needed, and if he needed more, he could easily get more, it was a perk of being him. In all the years he didn’t use it, didn’t search, didn’t allow his curiosity to take over. Today he did.

   It took him less than a minute to find her on Google, her name was uncommon, there was literally one Vixen Giovanni in San Francisco. It took him another minute to find her restaurant. Her restaurant. He was impressed. She said she wanted to open a restaurant and be a chef and she’d accomplished it, and she was successful. He spent nearly twenty minutes just looking through food reviews, articles, and pictures all of her and everything he remembered thinking and feeling those years ago came back.

   He suspected it would be like this—feared it really which made him avoid doing this very thing for so long. He was afraid he was right, and he was. It took him the next hour to get the balls to call the number for her restaurant. An hour where he went over and over what he would say. He didn’t know where you were; it had been nearly a week since he saw you, you could have gone back to San Francisco.

   He went over and over what he would say if you answered. He didn’t know if he should go with a calm and cool introduction; “Hey Vixen, remember me your ex-husband,” or an apologetic one; “I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from but—.” It was impossible to read you from the quick exchange days ago. You hadn’t spoken, you didn’t look angry, or happy or anything, your expression was blank, and then you were gone. He didn’t know what to expect.

   When hour two was near, he bit the bullet and dialed your restaurant. The hostess transferred him to the manager who informed him you were out of town. Due to his quick thinking, he pretended to be interested in a potential business opportunity, it was then the manager gave him your cell phone number. He was surprised it was that easy. Now that was where he was, staring at your number with a bottle of beer on his right side, whiskey on the other and a joint in his hand. He leaned back and took several long puffs before holding them for a breath allowing the drug to haze away all his thoughts. Once he blew out the smoke, he took a long swig of his beer.

   “Jesus Chris, it’s not hard, just dial the number. One step at a time.”

   He took up his phone and punched in the numbers and hovered his finger over the green button, thinking about his actions one last time. Taking another long pull from his joint, he tapped the button and put it on speaker. It rang once, twice, three times and before he tapped the red button to end the call, a voice called out through the line.

   “Hello?”

   His brain froze, and speech did with it, so he sat there completely flustered.

   “Hello? Anyone there?”

   Still, he didn’t speak. Only when the line went dead did he move, he dropped back against the couch and groaned loudly into the night sky.

   “Come on, man!”

TagList:

@sarahboseman @texasbama @heyauntieeee @airis-paris14 @thiccdaddy-mbaku @wakandas-vibranium @wakanda-inspired@theunsweetenedtruth @ashanti-notthesinger @reignsxjackson @halfrican-heat @ambthegamer @simplyyamberr  @muse-of-mbaku @sisterwifeudaku @mejustme06  @ilcb7 @leahnicole1219  @destinio1 @maliadestiny @drsunshine97 @blowmymbackout @purplehairgawdess@thehuntoyobun @wakandamama @wakandawinning @profilia@zxddy-panther @h-challa @babygirlofwakanda @misswakanda2018 @ororowrites@hutchj @myfavemarvelfanfics @lavitabella87 @afraiddreamingandloving @autumn242 @purple-apricots @skysynclair19 @hersheyskissesss-blog @blue-ishx @90sinspiredgirl @tchallaswife @tchallamakesmeh0lla @turn-thy-paige @blackchickfics @blackpantherismyish @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @naturally-bri @flawlesslybeautiful14 @qweentbh@lunaerly @theoutereffect@twilight-sapphire-lover @pupyluv247 @stark-red19 @cockyboysandsugarism@maverickabull @madbadsiren @aykanna @myaw731 @ruruly20 @mixedmelanin @brittyevans @bezzywazhere@laketaj24  @soulsparker @theresnomoregoodones @syreanne@loveandcigarillos @heyauntieeee @heybriheyyy @wakanda-bcth @uhlxis  @maliadestiny @dadinhas-heat @yaachtynoboat711@geeksareunique @bultalongthewayside @ajspencer1892 @captiansaveasmut @imaginewhoever @terrablaze514 @starsshines-blog @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade@darkandlovely94   @sithlordslut @wavyyc @naturalistamisslyn @nigarachi15 @madamslayyy @blackandfair @kreolemami @mylastnameisthe-fish @kaykay0829@chaneajoyyy @tequilajay27 @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @slimmiyagi @im5ftbutmythroat66 @jaeee-http@madhatterhelsing @sunflowerpsalms @wakanda-shit-is-that @deliciousstreetkidcroissant @jecourt @vebner37 @disneysdarlingdiva @melaninmarvel @alanastormborn@dolphinpink310 @wonderbell @ohleucothea @queentearra @bitchbetterhavemydinner @fentybabyy @kaykay4454fan @priya212 @kitkit1690 @chrismarcs @beautycomesindifferentformsworld @blackpantherimagines @ovohanna24 @sweetpeachjones @kslo000   @nubian-queen18 @omgsuperstarg  @airis-paris14 @sisterwifeudaku   @mejustme06 @ilcb7 @leahnicole1219 @destinio1 @drsunshine97  @blue-ishx @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @prettyprincessushio @treeondrea  @ursapharoh05  @blackpinup22 @kaytauru @big3gocandykahn @kissingpineapples @wildaboutchrisevans   @fitfineandstayingalive @misspooh @michele-onel @gorjiss @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @muva-milaje @limbo-limbo-limbo @awkwardlyabstract @blxck-brxndie  @meeky-imagines @inlovewith3 @metalarmlover @mellowjellow6 @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade@sweettea-and-honeybutter@thatrandomhetaliachick @missdeerstalker15 @ursapharoh05 @treeondrea @ovohanna24 @marvelheaux @romanceoftheeveryday @mufasathatniggatho @cltex84 @sweetbearcolorgarden @msincognito67 @mosagram @lunaerly @mar-ta-3 @ljstraightnochaser @lewatigress @akimi-youngblood @bekahdean87 @jasmindaughteroftheworld@cocooned-butterfly @emoniclark22 @chereedrop619 @theblulife @niggarachi15 @drsunshine97 @msincognito67 @missdeerstalker15 @wakandamama @great-neckpectations @avenger-marvel-fan @arieljamiyla @vibranium-soul @monae-boss @queenxchallaxkillamonger@amirra88 @jaeee-http @omg-itsnadi @fonville-designs @sydneebleu @cherrystainedlipsbaby

****If the spacing is all messed up I apologize. I copy and past from Word and try to anticipate Tumblr messing up the spacing and fix it but once I push post everything always jumbled out. Sorry guys.

[himboholhorse-moving]

1 2 4 7 8 9 13 18 20 26 27 29 30 32 39 40 41 43/44 45 46 49 51 53 55 56 57 59 63 65 that is. so many dghsdghsdgv I'm sorry I just see an ask meme and go crazy aaaa go stupid aaaa. You can just answer whichever u like from those!! also 69(nice): you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash

HDSKFJKS I completely understand but lucky for u I LOVE to talk !!

1) How are you?

Pretty good, actually!! Which is a nice change of pace. I went to Walmart with some friends yesterday and got a few things, baked a family recipe that my friends LOVE, and finally did my laundry (it’s been a couple weeks we love depression and executive dysfunction dfhkjsfd). I went to Cracker Barrel with some friends and earlier and played a 4-way game of Tetris after. :3c

2) Post a picture of yourself.

Here you go !!

4) What is your entire name?

Sierra Alexis and my last name is something constantly misspelled so I’ll give you the name of a historical figure whose name is a letter off from mine: George B. McClellan, to whom I may or may not be related because last name variations are fuckin’ WEIRD.

7) Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality.

I’m a Capricorn sun and moon, and Libra rising !! And from what I’ve read on Twitter from various astrologers, like Milkstrology, I LOVE her, I’d say it’s pretty accurate with my personality!! I like to say Capricorn’s aren’t cold bitches but, I Have A Tendency To Be One !!

8) What did you do on your last birthday?

God what DID I do on my last birthday… it was in January, so like, I SHOULD remember… OH I went to IHOP with my friends !! I share a birthday with another friend and I got a JoJo notebook and something called a Fuggler! They’re stuffed animals more or less but designed to be “ugly.” I got one that looks like Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty because I LOVE Gritty… he’s so fun and funky.

9) What is one thing you’d like to accomplish before your next birthday?

Get all my requests in my inbox over on my writing blog done KJHFDJKSF it’s been a few months and life has been. Hectic to say the least.

13) If you could change your eye color, would you?

There’s so much weird as hell brown-eye-phobia so like… I think blue eyes would be pretty neat. OR PURPLE… give me some unnatural eye colors pls...

18) Do you have any tattoos?

Not yet!! I’m going to get one the next time I go back home for break. :3c And I have a few ideas for other ones!! I wanna get a big-ass “Dragon Age: Origins” tattoo that’s the dragon on the cover on my thigh. I also wanna get a DA2 and “Inquisition” tattoo… and the Joestar birthmark… too many ideas… 

20) Left or right handed?

Right-handed !! I could have been left-handed or ambidextrous if I broke my arm AFTER I started kindergarten, but alas that was before.

26) Something you are working on right now:

This !! But also the script for my next podcast episode that I record on uhhh Monday I think. Should probably figure that one out dsjfjhsf

27) Do you have any “rules” about food?

I answered that in the last ask !!

29) What would you say is your best quality?

I also answered this in the last ask !!

30) What do you think you’re really good at?

Writing, I’d say! And memorizing trivia about the stuff I’m super into. If it’s stuff pertaining to “M*A*S*H” or old movies or TV shows or actors or specific historical events, I will know that shit FOR LIFE. Don’t ask me to do math pls thank u

32) What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

I wish I was able to do stuff with music. That was never really in my blood, despite all the music classes they make you take in elementary school. I just never learned how to memorize or read sheet music. :/ I would have loved to play violin, tho… my friend plays and she says I would have been a good cellist.

39) Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

YES… have for years. I still have my Care Bear from when I was 5, Gritty as mentioned above, a plush of my school’s mascot, and a little Fugo !! He’s so tiny.

40) What do you think about the most?

Everything and constantly and all at once. But the past really because I can never let stuff go and even the small things I mess up on haunt me forever… Wish that wasn’t the case but it is !!

41) Share two habits:

Biting my nails and having a very specific routine in which I get ready when I wake up. Like, I’ve gotta go brush my hair before I put my important cards in my left pocket, then put on my silver bracelet, then my beaded bracelet, then my earbuds in my right pocket, then put my earrings in. I HAVE to do it in that order…

And other oddities that include, like, if I need to go around something I HAVE to follow the urge to go one way and not the other, lest I feel the need to go back and fix it. And then which foot goes first before I reach a crack in the sidewalk, or up or down a curb, etc.

43) What are your career goals?

If I can just make people happy or get some kind of joy out of the things I do, I’d call that enough. :)

44) What is your ideal career?

Mmm, either a film historian or a film professor !! Preferably at the college I’m at right now but wherever the wind takes me, I’ll go! Or a Twitch streamer or YouTuber, it really depends on my mood jdhfjskf

45) Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

It was pretty much the same !! Freshman year was pretty lively, I didn’t have a job on campus yet though, or my podcast. Everything else is basically the same!

46) Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

CONSTANTLY… good or bad it’ll play back over and over and over again.

49) Do you have any phobias?

HOO BOY, DO I… fear of heights; fear of insects/bugs/arachnids/bees/wasps; I have a strong dislike of the number 13 but I don’t know if it’s a phobia, I just. REALLY hate it; the unknown, more or less what lurks somewhere beyond where I can see. Not so much a fear of the dark with that one, just what could BE in it.

51) Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

I answered this in my last ask, as well!

53) Ever come close to death?

Two or three times, maybe? Two of them involved what’s called a laryngospasm, typically it can happen when your sick, which is what happened to me both times. Basically your throat just closes up on your for a hot minute and you can’t breathe. The first time I genuinely thought I was going to die (and my dad still sent me to school that day… HOE), the second time I was also sick and was losing/had lost my voice DURING A JOB RETREAT and it happened in the middle of the night so that was funny sitting there gasping for breath in the pitch dark.

At the FIRST retreat I went on for that job, you had to take pictures as part of a scavenger hunt, and the place used to be an old military fort, so there were still the old bunkers there. We had to take one on top of it and I was taking the picture, and it’s a wide shot so I go to take a step back but before I do I look behind me. If I hadn’t I would have fallen a good 10-15 feet down onto solid Civil War-era bunker concrete. I’d consider that being a “close to death” moment because I really could have died!

55) A random fact about yourself:

I have a half-brother !! My sis and I finally found him after her 23andMe results came back (which she decided to do despite us being like THE GOVERNMENT WILL COLLECT OUR DATA) and we didn’t think our mom would be happy she found him but she was !! My sis might reach out and contact him, she just wanted our mom’s permission first to do it.

56) What are three things most people don’t know about you?

Well, that I have a half-brother. I don’t mention it a lot. Aside from y’all on here and my sister, most everyone else doesn’t know I’m nonbinary! Everyone else knows I’m bi though lmao. And that there were times I’d stretch or bend the truth or lie about something just to impress someone else. It’s a… Bad Habit. Another thing is that most people don’t know I like coffee? Like I need to put a shit ton of creamer in with it because I’m a Bitch, but yeah.

57) An unknown fact about your life:

I wouldn’t call this an “unknown” fact but I’d used to go to work with my dad every now and again when he worked at the Home Depot and he was assistant manager. I’d either chill in the back room which was an office he shared with two other guys, or walk around the store with him. I had my own apron, too, which was my name with “Mini Mac” next to it, “Mac” being my dad’s nickname and something easier to say than my last name. I actually helped a few customers out so I wonder if I should have gotten paid for that despite being like, ages 9-13 when I’d go jshfkjd

And I guess I technically tested video games as a kid? Basically, when my dad was stationed at Fort Knox, they’d get demos of video games that hadn’t come out yet to test I suppose? and I still have a few somewhere. He’d hand them off to me and I’d play them so there’s that.

59) Five weird things that you like:

Eating globs of wasabi for no reason.

Scaring my friends also for no reason.

I wouldn’t say using cotton swabs to get wax out of your ears because it feels good is weird, just more medically inadvisable if anything.

When I was younger I’d like to floss really hard because the slight pain from it felt good. Young me was a #Freaque KJHDFJJDHF

I don’t know if being fond of alphabetizing and reorganizing things is considered weird but I LOVE doing that.

63) A quote you try to live by:

“It matters not how strait the gate, / How charged with punishments the scroll; / I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul.” It’s from the poem “Invictus” and the last two lines are what I’m getting tattooed !!

65) Weird things you do when you’re alone:

Practice the “Lucky Star” dance. I GOT THE LYRICS DOWN… JUST NEED TO DO THE DANCE NOW…

69) Leave me a compliment:

“you seem rly nice and funny from your 🅱️osts and I appreciate u... I hope you can find better irl friends who aren't trash”

Anon pls 🥺 I do my best to be nice but my friend really do test me sometimes... my feelings bounce back n forth like if they do something my feelings can switch to angry or like, hate, and then if they do something nice I’ll like them again. It sucks but ! I just take it one day at a time. Anon I care for u 💜💜💜

[amarantine-amirite]

When Ju-don’t Know What You’re Doing

It’s the ninth grade year-end beauty pageant. I’m part of it, and I’m confused. None of the boys have to partake in this, but all the girls are required to. How is this not sexist?

I can’t say I’m surprised. Our school tried to do Legally Blonde for its spring play this year. The girl who got the role of Elle Woods has cancer, and she had to get chemotherapy. As a result, she was bald at the time the play was running. Her wig got stolen, and we couldn't replace it (we had no money in the budget to replace a wig and she couldn't bring in a wig from home). I suggested that rather than replace the wig, they rebrand the show as Legally Bald.

Nice. They kicked me out. I complained to my friends about it, and somehow, his parents got wind of it, and they complained to the school. They weren't complaining about me getting kicked out of the drama club for suggesting a novel means of solving a bizarre and unexpected problem. No. They complained about the fact that the first musical number in the play had a stanza that could easily be construed as sexist. Long story short, the play got cancelled.

And here I am, puzzled as ever, that our ninth grade class is doing a year-end beauty pageant. Somehow, they’re not OK with Legally Blonde being sexist; but they’re OK with this sexist piece of hot garbage that calls itself a beauty pageant. And the reason I called the beauty pageant sexist is because it’s required for all the girls, but not the guys. Come on, whose brilliant idea was that?

The fact that we have to do a beatuy pageant pisses me of something fierce, but what's worse is that they won't let me do the talent I wanted to do: a magic act with these three lizards that I spent a month trying to train.

“Hey Margaret,” my friend Oksana says to me, “I thought you were doing that magic act with the lizards.”

“I was,” I said, “problem is, the animal-rights people put the brakes on it about a week before the pageant. Literally, right when I'm finally making real progress with the lizards, I get told that I'm not allowed to do the magic act and that I have to find another talent."

“Really,” Oksana replied, “and all this time, I thought Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza accidentally iced them.”

I chuckled. “I should just be thankful that Kramer isn’t my pageant coach.”

After chuckling about Seinfeld, Oksana and I got a huge interruption. Our drama teacher came by to speak with us.

“OK, Margaret," she said, "we had to move you and several other people around to a different act.” She spoke with authority, sort of like somebody who looked into an eclipse without a pinhole box who now goes around to high schools telling people not to look at an eclipse without one of those pinhole boxes. “You’re not going to be singing. Instead, you’re going to do a judo demonstration with Charmaine.”

I got nervous. I’ve never done judo before. If fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen judo before. In fact, the only place I really remember seeing judo was in an episode of Mr. Bean. If I recall correctly, I think it was the episode where Mr. bean blows up the chemistry lab.

After we finished the evening gown portion of the pageant, the gym teacher pulled Charmaine and I aside. “So”, she began, “I understand that this thing with the judo is kind of last-minute, right?”

We nodded. In fact, I was really surprised that I did not become completely incapacitated mentally from having plans changed abruptly not once, but twice.

“OK, so that you don’t have all you guys are going to do is pretty straightforward. All you have to do is bow, and then, Margaret, since you’re larger, you take hold, and your throw Charmaine over your shoulder. Then you bow again, and Charmaine’s going to do the same thing with you, Margaret.” It seemed pretty straightforward, but it was still so sudden. And it didn’t help that Charmaine made such a big deal about being thrown.

Charmaine looked up at me. Her hands shook, her pupils dilated, and a dewy mist of sweat formed on her forehead, neck, and chest. “ I don’t think I can do this,” she whimpered, “what if I break my collarbone?” I really should’ve tried to console her. But I didn’t. I was too worried about breaking my collarbone to reassure her that she wasn’t going to break hers. To be honest, I had to of been really upset about the plans changing so frequently. I must’ve been using the collarbone thing as a manifest for my anxiety. I don’t think I really wanted to do the judo demo. What I really wanted was to do my magic act, with the lizards, and not have anyone bitch and whine about it. But, evidently, that's too much to ask. So now, I'm stuck. Doing a judo demo. And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, even though the gym teacher showed us.

"And continuing the talent portion of tonight's pageant, here are Margaret O'Brien and Charmaine Anthropov," the announcer beckoned, "they will be demonstrating...judo!"

A tiny, tiny part of me said uh-oh the minute I heard our names. It didn't stop the curtain from rising. It didn't stop the lights from coming on. And it didn't stop "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" from blasting over the sound system.

We nervously walked out onto the stage. Shaking, we took our places on the gym mat at the centre of the stage. I could feel everyone's stare of potential disapproval. I should have considered myself lucky that the only thing that I had to worry about was embarrassing myself. Poor Charmaine still had to worry about getting injured on top of being embarrassed. And the more I tried to think about how to make the best of the situation, the more I realized that the dumbasses that organized this pageant really, really didn't think this one through. Like, at all.

"Remember what I told you girls," I heard the gym teacher whisper to us from offstage, "Just one, big bow. Then the throw."

One, big bow. Then the throw. One, big bow. Then the throw. The words looped in my head like a broken CD player. One, big bow. Then the throw. And even though the words were playing in my head on repeat, they didn't translate to the actual action. Maybe it was because Charmaine was frozen in place after the bow. Maybe it was because I subconsciously thought about the Mr. Bean thing at the time, but I didn't do the throw the gym teacher had shown us. Instead, I did what Mr. Bean did in the sketch: snuck up behind Charmaine, pushed her over onto the ground after she finished bowing, and rolled her up in the mat.

The gym teacher face palmed. The judges just sat there with their mouths wide open. I stood there thinking what the hell had just come over me? Charmaine cried (and, from the smell of thing, probably peed herself). Everyone in the audience looked at us in shock.

I looked up at the judges. I asked them, puzzled and pointing to the gym-mat burrito I'd just made, “Do I get points for that?”

They looked at me like I'd grown a second head. The guy on the far left shook his head and mouthed "No". I don't know why I even asked. All I know is that this never would have happened if they let me do my magic act with the lizards.

[rogers-sweatbands]

Where I Want to Be: Chapter 4

Chapters: 1 (x), 2 (x), 3 (x)

A/N: I am fully aware how long this chapter took for me to get done and I’m sorry I didn’t drop it sooner. Thank you so much for reading and please know how much I love y’all!!! Let me know what you think of this chapter xoxoxoxo

Warnings: unwanted kissing (very brief)

Word Count: 8921

Chapter 4-

John couldn’t believe what he had heard after Freddie hung up the phone, genuinely thinking he was fucking around at the beginning of his call. There was no way a label liked their demo, and there was absolutely no way it was EMI records at that. Having EMI pick them up would have been well past a miracle. However, they were interested in Queen and once the paperwork was signed that Thursday, it would be official. John never thought that Queen would have been much more than a side hobby when he first joined. It was a fun outlet to escape the other stresses that life held and it gave him an excuse to continue playing the bass. However, here he was about to be signed to a label of the greats, a label that represented Elton John for Christ’s sake. To say he was floored would be an understatement.

The boys decided that a celebration that night was in order. Although their marking of the occasion was a bit premature since the paperwork hadn’t gone through yet, they couldn’t have cared less. Getting signed was a huge deal and they needed to celebrate it. Walking into The Laughing Fox that night felt indescribably different. It had been the first place they had all played together as Queen, it was only fitting that they go there to raise a glass to whatever their future had in store… a way for them to remember their humble beginnings. In the matter of an hour, several pints had been slammed down by each of the members, Mary taking photographs of their celebration with a large smile. In that moment, the world seemed absolutely perfect…. they never wanted that feeling to end.

Although six chairs were packed around the small table, only five of them were filled. They didn’t seem to notice at first, all of them focused on how exciting the news of the day was. However, as they all came down from their exhilarated highs, the empty sixth seat began to weigh more and more on the group. While Lane was one to run a few minutes behind on occasion, she had never been the type to be more than fifteen minutes late… but for a celebration like this, she absolutely would have been on time.

“Where’s Lane?” Brian finally asked, eyeing the empty stool across from him quizzically.

“She had other plans that she couldn’t get out of. She’s coming by afterwards!” Mary responded with a large grin.

“What could she possibly be doing other than being a complete nuisance to us? Not like she has other friends.” Roger snorted.

“Believe it or not, Roger, unlike you, Lane actually does have friends outside of us!” She glared at him with a frown. “And she’s actually on a date with a guy from work. Seems like a decent enough guy. Not that you know what that’s like.”

Roger and John’s faces fell slightly, however, neither one of them announced their disheartenment. They locked eyes momentarily, frowns spreading across both of their lips.

“Is it that guy George?” Brian asked, taking a long sip from his beer. “Met him when I went by the bookstore she works at. He seemed… alright.”

“Yeah! He asked her out last night to go for dinner or something… said it was really out of nowhere too. Didn’t really seem like her type but she didn’t want to turn him down since he’s been so nice to her.”

“Yeah, don’t really see her with a highbrow guy like that,” Brian chuckled. “He looks like he’d be too high maintenance for her.”

“What’s he look like?” Roger asked cooly, trying to ignore the anger that was bubbling in his chest.

“Very preppy. Gave off a lot of ‘I-was-born-into-a-fuck-ton-of-money’ vibes.” Brian spoke, trying to recall anything else he could remember about her date. “Pretty sure she said he went to Cambridge for archaeology and… I think English?”

Mary nodded. “Yeah, he definitely is smart. That’s her type though… someone who’s just as witty.” “I think you mean bitchy,” Roger retorted with a smirk.

“She should be coming after they finish up dinner. Maybe if we’re lucky, you’ll get to meet George. He can teach you a thing or two about manners.” Mary’s eyes narrowed in on Roger.

-----------------------------------------------------------

By the time Lane and George reached the exterior of The Laughing Fox, she was quite ready to bid the man goodnight. To say the date was awful would be a drastic understatement. From the moment George had picked her up that evening, he hadn’t stopped making snarky comments. Whether they be about her appearance (“I’m glad you didn’t wear those awful clogs and went with something more attractive”), the wait staff at the restaurant (he had told her that she didn’t “need to thank the help” after she had thanked their waitress for bringing their food), and by insulting her alma mater by saying his degree was more powerful (“but that also just comes with being a man”). While she wasn’t expecting their date to be one for the books, she had never thought that George would be this… awful… insipid… repulsive. He had been decent enough to her at work that she thought he’d at least possess some basic manners, however, he had completely proved her wrong.

“Well… this is me,” Lane spoke awkwardly, maintaining her distance from George.

“Oh, I can walk you all the way back to your apartment.”

“I know, I have plans to meet my friends here though… no need to walk me back if I’m just heading out immediately afterwards,” she chuckled slightly, trying to ease the tension.

“You aren’t taking me home with you?” George asked genuinely. “I did buy you dinner after all.” Lane paused for a moment, staring at the man with narrowed eyes. “Just because you bought me dinner doesn’t mean you have an automatic invitation into my apartment.”

“It was an extremely nice dinner. A woman is supposed to thank her date for something like that.”

“I did, George. I thanked you several times this evening. I’m not a prostitute, buying me dinner doesn’t mean you’re going to receive any sexual favors in return.”

“Well, you certainly dress like one,” his jaw clenched as his eyes raked down her body. “It’s not polite to lead a man on.” “I never lead you on. You asked me to dinner and I agreed… that was all.”

He took a step towards her, closing the distance between them as her back was pressed to the cold brick outside the pub. “You lead me on, you little minx. Now give me what I deserve.”

George held her wrists tightly, forcing his lips onto hers as she wriggled to get out from under him. The brick was digging into her back as she tried to find a way out, wanting to disappear into the crowded pub to get away from him. Lane wanted him gone and now, her head swimming as she tried to figure out a way to get him to leave her alone. She wound her eyes shut as she lifted her knee quickly, driving it directly into his crotch. His mouth detached from hers as he released her wrists and fell to his knees on the sidewalk.

“You bitch,” he sneered, his hands moving to grip the front of his trousers. “You’re going to regret that.”

Lane stared at him for a moment, her eyes widening before she ran into the pub, praying that he wouldn’t follow her once he was able to compose himself. She could feel the tears stinging the corners of her eyes as she descended the stairs into the dimly-lit space, her teeth gnawing at her bottom lip as she made her way to the bathroom. She needed to pull herself together before joining the rest of the group, not wanting to be the one to ruin their special night. Getting signed was a huge deal for the boys, she didn’t want that to be taken away from them. As she stood in front of the mirror, Lane tightly gripped the sides of the sink, taking her frazzled appearance in. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths before plastering on a smile, making her way to the bar so she could grab a pint before settling down at their table.

She slid into her seat between John and Mary quietly, not wanting to disturb the heated debate taking place regarding a rugby match that was playing in the corner.

“How was your date?!” Mary whispered excitedly, her hand squeezing Lane’s. “Tell me everything.”

Lane shrugged, pretending to be invested in the conversation going on around her. “It was alright.”

“Only alright? Didn’t he take you to that French café you’ve been dying to go to?”

She nodded in response, taking her lip between her teeth as she picked at her nails. “Yeah. It was nice, I guess.” Her voice quivered slightly as she tried to cough back a dry sob. She could feel everyone’s eyes fall onto her as she shifted nervously in her seat.

“Did something happen?” Mary probed gently, her tone growing with worry.

“He was a total cunt. No surprise there,” Lane forced a small laugh, trying to play off the evening’s events as a normal shitty date. “No need to dwell on it though, this is supposed to be a fun night!” She smiled up at them before taking a small sip from her pint, her gaze falling to the scratched tabletop.

The table was silent as they watched her for a few moments, Lane fidgeting in her seat as their gazes burned through her. She could feel her eyes welling up again, though she desperately tried to blink her tears back.

“Lane,” Brian spoke, her gaze not bothering to lift up as she muttered a small hum in response. “What happened?”

“He was just a shitty guy… again, no need to dwell on it.”

“You’re crying, love, there is a need to ‘dwell on it’.”

Lane’s hands lifted to rub at her eyes as she wished to be anywhere but The Laughing Fox in that moment.

“Did he say something?” Mary asked, taking her friend’s hand in hers once again.

Lane paused for a moment before a sad chuckle passed her lips. “I mean… yeah… but words don’t mean anything to me. That wouldn’t’ve affected me at all.”

“Then why are you crying, Lane?”

Lane shook her head, removing her hand from Mary’s before shifting to stand. “I shouldn’t have come tonight. I’m… you guys have fun.”

“He touched you, didn’t he?” Roger spoke through gritted teeth.

Lane felt herself stop in midair, her eyes widening as she looked at him.

“He did. That fucking bastard, I’m going to fucking kill him.” Roger pushed himself back from their table, his fists clenched at his sides.

“R-Rog, that’s really not necessary-”

“Damn right, it’s fucking necessary. He isn’t going to know what hit him.”

“Roger, it really isn’t-”

“Lane, I swear to God, he doesn’t get to do that and get away with it-”

“It isn’t necessary because I already handled it!” Lane yelled, her chest heaving as she stared at the blonde. The group’s eyes widened as they looked at her, their jaws dropping. “I… I handled it myself.”

“You… what?” Roger’s eyebrows cinched as he stared at her surprisedly.

“He… well… when he-when he pressed me up against the wall outside… I… uhm, I just sort of drove my knee up into his crotch and ran in. I handled it myself.”

“That’s spectacular!” Freddie praised, his jaw still dropped from her previous announcement.

“Lane, that’s unbelievable. I can’t believe you did that!” Brian added on, lifting his glass in her direction.

Lane blushed as she settled herself back into her seat, eyeing Roger cautiously as a low grumble came from his chest.

“Bastard deserves to rot in Hell,” he mumbled, tossing back the rest of his pint as he climbed back onto his stool.

“Agreed,” John spoke, anger still bubbling in this chest. However, he did his best to mask it, not wanting her to see that side of him.

She sent John a soft smile, her eyes twinkling up at him. He felt his cheeks redden under her gaze, his lips mimicking hers as he bumped his elbow against her upper arm gently. Lane rolled her eyes before laughing, elbowing him in return before challenging Brian to a round of darts.

-----------------------------------------------------------

By the time last call was announced at a quarter to three, the entire group had begun to feel the significant effects of their evening binge. Mary was half collapsed onto Freddie, Roger had been lying face-down on the table for nearly thirty minutes, and Lane was a lost cause. Her shaken demeanor had developed into a giggly, touchy persona over the course of a few hours (and a lot of tequila). Her head rested on John’s shoulder as she attempted to gather her thoughts on evolution, her words slurring together as she discussed the topic with Brian.

“‘M just saying, the fact that creation was taught in schools at one point is a fucking joke!” She cried out.

“Well some schools actually do still teach creation,” Brian corrected her, his eyes beginning to blink more and more slowly as time wore on. “But you’re right… it’s fucking bullshit.” “What do you think, John?” She hummed, shifting her head so she could look up at him.

John chuckled as he looked down at her, her pupils blown from the combination of alcohol and exhaustion that wracked her system. She’d dozed off a few times on his shoulder, however, every time he suggested he walk her back to her flat she slapped his chest. “Not sleepy,” she swore, the phrase normally punctuated by a small yawn. “Only reason why I’m laying here is because my head’s so heavy.” John wrapped one of her curls around his index finger, allowing himself to grow more and more distracted by her presence.

“John?” She asked again, her eyebrows meeting in the middle as she studied him confusedly.

He hummed, eyes meeting hers once again before he shook his head. “No, you’re right, love. It’s a total joke.”

Lane smiled widely before shifting her gaze back to Brian, listening to him continue his rant.

The bell in the corner of the bartop was rung for the second and final time, the entire group slipping off their stools as they made their way out of the pub. Lane was leaning against John’s chest, his hand supporting her as she stumbled her way up the stairs to greet the cold, early morning air.

“Don’t need help,” she reassured him, however, she made no effort to move his hand from her waist. “‘M not that drunk.”

“I know,” he smirked, trying to fight back a laugh as she staggered slightly. “Just holding you close to… to keep myself warm ’tsal.”

Lane giggled as she looked up at him, shivering slightly in his embrace. “Getting chilly now… I don’t like the cold,” she pouted, curling more into his side.

John shrugged his jacket off, draping it over her shoulders before wrapping his arm around her again, fearing she’d topple over any moment.

“You’re going to get cold now-” Lane started, shifting to take the coat off.

“No, Lane. I’ll be fine. Promise.” “Pinky promise?”

Lane held her pinky in his direction, her stone-faced complexion proving to John that she was, in fact, being serious. He chuckled quietly before shaking his head, lifting his free hand to intertwine his pinky with hers.

“Pinky promise,” he whispered, leaning down slightly so he could make direct eye contact with her.

She gave him another large smile before releasing a small giggle, John’s grin only widening at her expression. They stared at each other in silence for a moment, both of them grinning like madmen. However, the quietness was quickly interrupted by Roger complaining about having the spins, perching himself on John’s other shoulder.

“John, ‘M afraid I can’t see very straight,” he laughed, rocking back and forth between both of his feet.

“It was probably the ten or so shots you had after you had all those pints, Rog,” Deaky commented, trying to shrug the blonde boy off his shoulder. However, his grip tightened even more as he attempted to steady himself. “Hey Brian, do you mind… handling Roger tonight? Lane’s completely knackered and I should probably be getting her home.” Brian studied the three of them tiredly before nodding. “Yeah, c’mon then.”

The tall brunette peeled Roger off of John, muttering a short goodbye before disappearing down the sidewalk.

“Ready?” John asked, waiting for Lane to nod slightly. He led her down the sidewalk, the echo of her heels against the concrete punctuating the early morning air. Lane giggled to herself once again, clasping a hand over her mouth excitedly before looking up at John.

“What is it?”

“Knackered,” she imitated, butchering his accent severely. “It’s a funny word.”

“Of all the words in the English language, that’s the one that gets you?” He chuckled, shaking his head at her.

“Technically it’s slang,” she corrected him with a pout. “No need to make fun of me, John.” “Not making fun of you, promise,” he hummed, giving her a reassuring smile. “Thought it was…” John paused momentarily as he tried to find the word for it. Cute. Adorable. Perfect in every way. “Thought it was funny.”

“I am funny,” she agreed. “I tell a good joke.”

“Do you?” John teased, holding back the smile that was threatening to make its way onto his lips.

“What do you call a magic dog?” She stopped in her tracks, crossing her arms across her chest as she stared at him with a sloppy grin.

“What?”

“A LAB-ricadabra!” She giggled, throwing her head back happily.

John shook his head at her, his eyes rolling as he wrapped himself back around her to continue their journey.

“It was good right?!”

“Of course, love. Very funny.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

It took nearly double the time it normally would have to get Lane back to her apartment, John having to stop every few minutes or so as Lane pointed out random things on their walk. “Look at those flowers growing over there! Can we go smell them?” she’d asked him, batting her lashes until he agreed. And although they stopped to smell every flower on their walk home, there was no place he’d rather be.

John paused on the front stoop of her apartment, watching her quietly as she gazed at the stars in sheer wonderment. “Look! There’s Orion!” She pointed excitedly, shaking John’s arm until he looked up as well. “And right over there is Sagittarius… that one’s mine.” He looked down momentarily to see her squint up at the sky, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth as she desperately studied the twinkling lights above her. “And there! There’s Leo… that one’s yours.”

Her gaze fell down to meet his again, giving him a soft smile as John desperately tried to mask his reddening cheeks.

“You know my birthday?” He asked softly, scratching at his chin as he tried to hold back a giddy laugh.

“Yeah, you told me it a few weeks ago. Guess I just remembered it or something…” Lane’s cheeks flushed as well, embarrassed that she had remembered such a trivial detail about him and blurted it aloud.

John studied her for a moment, his chest warming as he watched her look back up at the stars, his jacket wrapped around her tightly. She looked absolutely perfect.

“John,” she called, pulling him from his trance. He hummed quietly, carding a hand through his hair as he shook his head.

“Would you mind walking me to my door? I’m still a bit… shaken up from before.” Lane wrapped her arms around herself as she bit her lip.

His face fell as he remembered the earlier events of the evening, feeling the anger bubbling inside him once again. “Yeah, of course.”

Lane teetered up the few stairs to enter her building, the two of them remaining silent as they walked up to the third floor. She paused in front of her front door, biting her lip once again. “Would you like to come in?” She asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. It was late, really late, but Lane couldn’t stand the idea of being alone in her apartment. Especially with the threat of “You’re going to regret that” ringing in her ears.

And although it was nearing four in the morning and John was about to fall asleep, he nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I’d love to.”

Her face lit up before she turned to unlock her door, allowing him inside her flat before flipping the light on in the front hallway.

“Make yourself comfortable,” she smiled as she led him deeper into the apartment, laying his jacket across the arm chair in her living room. “‘M sorry it’s a bit of a mess. I wasn’t expecting company.” John waved off her comment as he walked around the space, eyes falling onto an open easel and half painted canvas in the corner. “I didn’t know you painted.” Lane shrugged before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s a hobby of mine, I guess… I painted a lot of the art I have hung up.” She gestured to a framed canvas hanging next to her overflowing bookshelf, a field of multi-colored wildflowers covering the majority of the piece.

“Beautiful,” he commented, sending her a large smile before walking over to examine it.

“That’s a field from back home… I’d go read there a lot in high school.”

He hummed as he studied the painting further, head tilting in curiosity. “Why’d you sign it P.E.W.?”

“Oh, that’s because Lane is a nickname… my name is actually Penelope Elaine,” she laughed, rubbing at the back of her neck. “Started going by Lane when I was thirteen or so. I never really liked my name… thought Penelope was too much and Elaine was too stuffy. I decided Lane suited me best.” “I like your name,” he smiled warmly. “Penelope is cute.”

Lane blushed and rolled her eyes. “Always reminded me of The Odyssey and how much I hate Homer.”

“So you hate it because of its literary connotations?” John chuckled, shaking his head lightly. “That’s a very you thing to say.”

“I was never a big fan of the Greeks,” she teased with a smirk.

“From what I remember, she was quite intelligent though.”

“She was. However, she was hopelessly in love with Odysseus and waited twenty years for him when he was thought to be dead! He was her achilles heel.”

“So you’re saying that her being a hopeless romantic is a bad thing? That it was her ultimate downfall?” John cocked his head as he looked at her, loving how seriously Lane took the subject. “I’m saying that love made her blind. One hundred and eight suiters attempted to take her hand in that time! She delayed all of them just because she thought there was a slim chance her husband was still alive. I’m not saying that her fidelity was wrong in any sense, I just don’t know how realistic that would be if it were applied to real life.”

“So you’re saying that you’ve never personally been married to a king who leaves to fight in a war for twenty years? Is that not relatable enough for you?” He teased, Lane’s cheeks further reddening.

“Shut up!”

-----------------------------------------------------------

John found himself propped up on Lane’s couch, sitting semi-awkwardly while she took a shower. She had muttered something about wanting to wash George’s touch off of her but didn’t want to leave it until she was alone in her apartment. He knew she was scared, although she never would have admitted that to him. She was one to always keep a strong front put up, one who would always attempt to keep a stiff upper lip even when she didn’t have to. John didn’t want to push her to talk about it, knowing that would get him nowhere. He told her to go shower and that he’d be there when she got out.

However, in the time she was in the shower, John was trying to avoid letting his mind wander to what she was doing in there. He had always been able to withhold his more private feelings of Lane until he got home, but up until that point, he had never been with her in any sort of an intimate setting (if you could call it that). He did his best to distract himself by looking around the room, trying to figure out something that could occupy his thoughts (and would help him get rid of the tent that was beginning to build within his trousers). He stood and made his way over to her bookshelf, admiring how many books she had managed to cram into its wobbly structure. All of the spines of the novels were well worn, many of them cracked slightly from their obvious love over the years. He felt his lips pulling into an involuntary smile when his eyes reached Shakespeare’s Sonnets: The Complete Set, forever thankful for the day he had ran into her at the tea shop. Although John would have never told Lane this, he had gone and picked up a copy for himself, dog-earring Sonnet 138 when he reached it. He had found a new love and appreciation for William Shakespeare in the month he had known her, finding himself voraciously reading almost everything the man had published so he could always have something to discuss with her (not that she would ever allow a lull in their conversation). He loved how passionate and opinionated she was about almost any subject, enjoying being able to sit there and listen while she rambled about anything under the Sun. She was truly a sight to see and he was more than happy to sit back and observe.

His gaze moved up to the higher shelves, the books being replaced with dozens of photo albums that had been carefully curated from her early teen years to the present, each carefully marked with the year on its spine. John plucked the most recent album off the shelf before returning to the couch, settling the book onto his lap before opening it. It opened with images of Lane and others laughing and covered in confetti, “New Year’s Madness in Berlin” written carefully in cursive along the bottom of the image. John thought she looked absolutely stunning, not that she didn’t always look that way. He could hear her laughter distinctly as he looked at the photos, the ringing sound making him smile before he began to flip through the album. He loved how detail oriented she was, always marking the date with her caption on the bottom of each image, sometimes a pressed flower or ticket stub being placed beside them. His heart swelled when he reached her graduation pictures, seeing how happy and relieved she looked in her cap and gown. When he turned the page, he was surprised to see a small letter placed next to a picture of her holding a bouquet of delphiniums, tears very prevalent in her eyes as she stared down at the arrangement with a small smile.

Lane,

We know how hard today must be for you, but know that you are never walking alone (whether it be today or any day). We are always here, lifting you up and cheering you on. You’re going to do great and amazing things, P.E.W..

“I would not wish any companion in the world but you.”

-The Tempest, Willy Shakes

All our love,

Harper, Freya, Leo, and Rex

She had penned a short caption at the bottom of the page, a flower pressed beside the tear stained writing. “They remembered how much delphiniums meant to me. Today was hard, but these made it better… it’s hard to remember the lighter side of life, especially on days like today.” John couldn’t think of a reason why it would have been a hard day for her. He remembered how happy he had been at his own graduation, relieved to know that he never had to sit through another examination again. Maybe it was because her experience had been that much better than his, seeing how happy she was in every picture from her final semester at school. From their annual university pub crawl, celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin, her third-year formal, and pulling her last all-nighter in the library before her Japanese literature final, she always had a smile on her face.

When he turned the page, “Notre Dernier Été” was written largely at the top, pictures of her and her friends from university covering the pages as they took stereotypical tourist-y photos around Paris. Ones of all them “holding” the Eiffel Tower (“It’s not as heavy as it looks!”), Lane holding a french fry across her upper lip like a moustache (“Starting to blend in with the locals nicely”), and a picture of her mimicking the Mona Lisa with the painting in the background (“Got us kicked out of the Louvre… totally worth it). He found himself chuckling at each one, the pictures growing increasingly more funny as the book went on. Images of her in a beret, singing into a baguette, playing the guitar while sitting in front of the Eiffel Tower filled the pages, John smiling as he watched the journey of her summer holiday.

However, when he turned to the most recent page, he felt a small blush rise to his cheeks. She had arranged some pictures of her with everyone at The Laughing Fox, entitling the section “New City, New Friends” with a small heart beside it. His eyes fell onto a candid of them together, him laughing at some stupid joke she had made. He was thankful Mary managed to capture the moment between them, loving the way Lane smiled up at him in the photograph.

“I quite like that picture of us,” Lane spoke suddenly, John jumping in surprise before realizing she was standing behind him. “It’s proof that you think I’m funny.” “You are funny,” he confirmed, closing the book as she rounded the couch. His breath caught in his chest as he watched her, coughing a bit at the fact that she was in an oversized jumper and what appeared to be nothing underneath it.

“I’m aware,” she smirked, taking the album from him and putting it back. “Did you enjoy looking through those pictures while I was gone?” She teased, John’s cheeks reddening.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have. I was just-”

“John, I’m kidding! That’s what they’re there for. I’m surprised you picked this year’s.” “Why’s that?”

“Oh, never mind,” She laughed awkwardly, eyes widening at herself. “The older ones are more boring anyways.”

“I’m sure they’re great! Let me see.”

“No, you’re not missing out on much. I promise.”

“I think that’s something for me to determine,” he smirked before walking over to the bookshelf. “Let’s take a look.”

Lane did her best to cover the albums with her small frame but failed miserably, John plucking the album from 1969 out from behind her. He shifted the album over her head, chuckling to himself as she attempted to grab it.

“John,”  she stated seriously, hands moving onto her hips. “Give it back.” “You said it was boring. Clearly, if you don’t want me to see it, that must not be the case.”

He quickly shifted to open the album, holding it out of her reach..

“John, please,” she whispered, looking up at him pleadingly.

John almost choked at her expression, his pupils dilating at her words. He shook his head of his thoughts. “You said it was boring.”

“It is.”

“Then let me see it if it’s so boring.”

She groaned quietly before hiding her face in her hands. “You know what, fine. I’ll be in the kitchen making tea. Enjoy!” Lane stormed out of the room with a small huff, John watching her confusedly before he moved to his original spot on the couch.

The album began like her most recent one, however, her hair was significantly longer, falling right above her waist. The first photo was of her laying in the grass, her hair spread around her head in a golden halo, various wildflowers woven into it. John didn’t know why she wanted to hide the album from him, she looked absolutely stunning. He turned to next page and immediately snapped the album shut, hearing Lane cackle from the next room.  

“Get it now?”

John remained silent as his eyes widened, trying to process what he had just seen. It was almost the same photo as the first, however, the image had been taken from farther away. The photographer was standing over her, Lane’s body selectively covered with wild flowers from head to toe, the rest of her body completely bare. If he had thought she looked stunning before, he thought she looked absolutely remarkable now.

“D-Don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stammered slightly. “It’s… art.”

Lane ran back into the room, mouth agape as she studied him. “What did you say?”

He swallowed thickly as he looked back at her, trying to think of anything but the image he had just seen. “It’s art.”

“So you get it! Thank God,” she said excitedly. “So many people take these pictures the wrong way.”

“Do they?” John’s voice was strained as he shifted a throw pillow onto his lap. “Don’t see how that could happen.”

“You’d be surprised,” she giggled as she sat down next to him, picking the album back up and resting it on top of the pillow. “That’s why I’m so scared of people going back into my older albums… among other things.”

“Other things?” John froze as he thought about what else could be in her album, not sure what would top nude photos of herself.

Lane paused momentarily as she bit down on her lip. “Well my past is a bit… different.”

“Different?”

“Well… I moved when I was fifteen.”

“Moving isn’t an abnormal thing,” he chuckled, nudging his knee against hers.

“No, I know that… it’s just that I moved to a different kind of place.”

John looked at her questioningly as she stood up. “It’s easier if I just show you.” She carefully grabbed the album from 1966 before opening it, sighing quietly before moving to stand in front of him. She handed him the album wordlessly, John confused as he stared at the picture. A much younger version of herself stood in front of a sign labeled ‘The Farm’ wearing a large smile, doodles of flowers and peace signs surrounding the image. He shot her a puzzled expression, not understanding what she was trying to show him. Lane sighed before turning the page for him, shifting so she could sit down next to him.

“Well… I moved to The Farm when I was fifteen.”

“I figured that much, but I don’t-”

“The Farm was… is… a commune… in New York.” Lane’s eyes fell to her lap as she spoke, hair falling in front of her face. “Moved cross-country the summer after my freshman year of high school.”

“You lived on a commune?” The sentence unconsciously fell from Deaky’s lips without thought, Lane’s shoulders falling at his comment.

“I’m not like that anymore though… not that living on a commune is bad or anything but-”

“No, Lane, it’s okay. I don’t think it’s weird,” he reassured her, moving his hand to rest on her knee. “I was just… surprised, is all.”

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before meeting his gaze, giving him a nervous smile. “I don’t tell very many people about The Farm,” she admitted quietly. “I’m always afraid of how they will react when I talk about it… not many people are too keen on being friends with the ‘dirty hippie’.”

John’s heart broke a bit as he watched her, seeing the obvious hurt within her hazel eyes. “I don’t think you’re a dirty hippie.”

“Well you haven’t seen all the pictures,” Lane chuckled dryly. “Or heard about anything that happened while I was there.”

“And I’m telling you that no number of pictures or stories about you and The Farm would make me think that.” John’s hand squeezed her knee gently before he shifted so he could flip through the photo album. Lane looked undeniably happy in every one of the images. Pictures of her dangling upside down in a tree, running through an open field of flowers, sitting around a large bonfire with her arms wrapped around the people next to her… The Farm looked to be like her own personal paradise.

He paused on a picture of her standing arm and arm with a tall, bearded brunette, chuckling gently at the funny faces they were making at the camera. A small caption was scrawled along the bottom in an unrecognizable handwriting, the blunt all caps standing out against the looped font Lane had been using for the other pictures. “ME AND MY SHADOW,” it read, crudely drawn stars on either side of the phrase. A small arrow had been drawn next to it, pointing to a short caption Lane had added on: “We stick together like glue.”

“Who’s that?” John asked, pointing to the man curiously.

Lane smiled slightly at the picture, remembering the day vividly. “That’s my brother Kenny… he’s who moved us cross-country.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother,” John smiled as he flipped through more pages. “Are you two close?”

“Very.” Lane’s tone was tight as she watched him look through the album. “Kenny’s my best friend.”

“He should come visit soon. I’d love to meet him.” Lane felt her breath catch in her chest, always hating when Kenny would come up among new friends. She hated going into it… she hated to bring the room down. “That’s not going to be able to happen,” she spoke quietly, moving to pick at her cuticles.

“Why’s that? Work or something?”

“Kenny… he was drafted into Vietnam in December of ‘69.”

“And he’s still over there?” He looked up from the book, pausing on an image of her and Kenny sitting on the front bumper of a Volkswagen van.

Lane remained silent for a moment, avoiding John’s gaze. “He died while he was there… a freak accident or something. Happened during my first year at Oxford.”

John’s face fell at her comment, wishing he hadn’t brought it up in the first place. “Lane, I’m so sorry. I-”

“It’s alright. You didn’t know, don’t blame yourself.” She waved her hand at him sadly. “It’s been almost three years now… about time I got used to talking about it.” She forced a small laugh before finally looking up at John.

He was silent for a moment, eyes softening as he looked at her. “My dad died when I was eleven… it’s been ten years and it’s still difficult for me to talk about it sometimes,” he spoke quietly, swallowing hard. “I know my pain isn’t the same as yours, and that we all deal with things differently… but I understand what it’s like to lose someone from your family.”

Lane felt her eyes well up for the third time that evening, hands moving to rub away the tears that had spilled over onto her cheeks. “Kenny was all I had,” she started, voice quivering slightly. “Our dad left when I was born. He didn’t want a second child and my birth completely set him off. Dropped our mom at the hospital and… he was never heard from again. Mom changed a lot because of that… she didn’t want much to do with me since I was the reason he left. Kenny had to grow up way faster than he should have, suddenly being responsible for the child my mother didn’t want… she finally left one night when I was fourteen, leaving Kenny as my sole caretaker. He was only twenty at the time, had so much ahead of him… but he stepped up to the plate and he made it his mission to raise me in the best way that he could. That’s why he moved us to The Farm.” She leaned over and pointed to the van in the image John had been looking at before. “We lived in that van my entire freshman year of high school before we moved. He didn’t make enough money to pay rent on an apartment, so he’d park it in random parts of San Francisco and would walk everywhere. That way, I would always have a place to go after school and a place to sleep when he was on the night shift. He worked four jobs to make sure he could provide for us… I always offered to get a job so I could help but… he’d wave me off. He always put my education before anything. Always told me that I needed to put my brain first, he’d take care of the rest.”

John listened to her silently, his heart crumbling as she continued, her arms wrapping around herself protectively.

“We moved to The Farm the day after I finished school that year… Kenny had met a few guys through one of his jobs who told him about a ‘free-minded paradise’ on the East Coast. They told him about how you could live there for free as long as you did your share of work… and how it was strong community that really benefited young people like us. We drove there and made it in four days, Kenny sometimes driving well into the early hours of the morning before pulling over to sleep. He knew that if he were going to continue to take care of me, it was the best chance he was going to get. He never made a selfish decision in his life… he always lived his life to benefit others… I can only wish to be half the person he is… was.”

“He sounds amazing, Lane.”

“He was… he’s still the best person I’ve ever known.”

“I can see where you get it from,” John nudged her knee, making her chuckle. “Knew you had to get it from somewhere.” “Ken was a much better person than I am… but he did his best to teach me. He probably wouldn’t give Rog as much shit as I do.” “Rog deserves it, you know that!” His eyes crinkled as he gave her a large smile.

“No, you’re right,” she laughed, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Kenny would’ve given him shit too.”

A comfortable silence fell between the two of them, heads shaking slightly. The kettle let out a loud screech from her kitchen, both of them jumping in surprise. “Shit, forgot I even put that on,” she breathed, hand clutched over her chest. “Want some tea?”

John nodded. “Please.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Lane flipped through the remainder of the photo albums she had on her shelf as she and John finished the kettle. He was basking in the sound of her voice as she told him stories and anecdotes from her teenage years, loving to hear about the unknown side of her. The wild child who attended war protests in Washington, D.C., who took insane road trips every summer with her brother and their friends, who attended Woodstock and managed to be “sober enough” to have nearly perfect memory of it… John never thought she could become any more interesting than she already was.

He didn’t want to admit it, but his favorite album was the one from 1969. John hated how much he loved the newly found artistry she found once she turned eighteen… the kind that made him hold a pillow tightly across his lap as he did his best to focus on the stories she was telling rather than the photographs in front of him. He paused on an image taken of her the day before she left for university, her guitar placed on her lap as she gave the camera a wide smile.

“I didn’t know you played guitar before tonight.” “Well, you didn’t know a lot of things about me before tonight,” she giggled, nudging his arm. “But yeah, it was a gift for my sixteenth birthday. They had thrifted it and repaired it heavily before giving it to me… one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.”

John nodded, turning back to the image. He stared at the acoustic for a moment, looking at the images she had painted on it over the years. The face of the instrument had been adorned in various flowers and other designs, the whole thing looking very Lane. “You still have it?” “Yeah! Let me go grab it, hold on.” Lane jumped off the couch and ran to her bedroom, offering it to John when she returned. “It looks a bit different now… I repainted it a few times during college.” He smiled up at her as he admired the work. “This is awesome! Never heard of anyone doing this to a guitar.” “Well you know me, never one to do the usual thing…  plus, I never liked the look of the bare wood. Thought it was boring.”

He chuckled before handing it back to her, admiring Lane as she strummed quietly. “Play me something.” “Oh no, I couldn’t do that.” “And why not?” “Because you’re a professional musician who’s being signed by EMI records and I taught myself by watching other people in drum circles. Not going to happen.”

“C’mon, I’m not going to judge you! I bet you’re amazing.”

“Deaks,” she spoke, her tone stern as she drummed her fingers on the top of the instrument. John smirked at her, cocking his head to the side. “Penelope.”

“You know, calling me a name I hate isn’t helping you make your case.”

“You called me a nickname, only thought it was fair. You almost exclusively call me John.”

Lane rolled her eyes as she shook her head. “You’re never going to drop this, are you?” “That’s correct, Penelope Elaine. I’ll be calling you by your full name until you play for me.” “You’re an annoying piece of shit. You know that, right?” “I’m aware.”

Lane sighed as she looked down at her lap, adjusting the guitar slightly. “Alright. I’ll play for you under two conditions.”

“Which are?”

“One, you can’t judge me.” “I already said I wouldn’t do that, love.” “And two, you play me something afterwards.”

John paused momentarily, cocking his head to the side. “Well I play the bass so-”

“I know for a fact that you can play the guitar. Don’t play dumb.” Lane’s face deadpanned as she looked across at him.

“Fine. I agree to your conditions.”

Lane nodded wordlessly as she looked down at her fingers, laughing quietly. “Don’t know what I should play.”

“Play anything.” “Wow, that was really helpful,” she teased, looking up momentarily.

He raised his hands in defense, giving her a small smile. “I’m just trying to be of assistance.”

Lane rolled her eyes before shifting the capo, plucking the strings a few times. “You promise you’re not going to judge me?” “Yes!”

“Okay, okay… here we go.” Her eyes fell as she began to strum quietly, a curtain of blonde hair falling in front of her face as she began to sing along. “Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper I love you, birds singing in the sycamore tree. Dream a little dream of me.”

John’s cheeks reddened at her choice of song, wishing she’d realize his feelings for her. Deep down, he knew she didn’t pick that song for the reason he wished, to admit her love for him… however, as he felt a swell in his heart, he pretended that it was. As she finished, she looked up at him bashfully, biting her bottom lip before setting the guitar between them.

“Lane, that was amazing!” John smiled breathlessly, trying to comprehend how beautiful she looked in that moment. Golden curls flowing past her shoulders, her too large jumper completely engulfing her form, her hazel eyes somehow still sparkling despite it nearing six in the morning. She had never looked more stunning.

She blushed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I wouldn’t call it amazing… but thank you.”

“No, trust me. That was… perfect.”

Lane cocked an eyebrow at him suspiciously, running a hand through her hair. “Well go on then, your turn.”

He suddenly felt his face fall, now regretting their deal. While he did want to hear her play, the idea of having to pick a song made him want to pull his hair out. “U-Uhm… do you… like The Beatles?” Lane rolled her eyes before laughing, kicking his shin lightly. “John, sweetheart, everyone loves The Beatles.”

“I just wanted to make sure!”

“I’m kidding!” She giggled, nudging the guitar closer to him. “I have every Beatles record… I love them.”

“Do you have a favorite album?” “Are you trying to stall so you don’t have to play for me?”

“No!” John rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I was just wondering because I could… I don’t know, play a song from that album. But that sounds lame, I’ll just p-”

“Oh no, John, I’m sorry. That’s really sweet of you.” Lane smiled, tilting her head slightly. “But picking a favorite is pretty hard… I’m quite fond of their earlier stuff though! The ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’ single was the first record I ever bought with my own money… the B-side was ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ and I remember playing those two songs on a constant loop until Kenny bought me the full record. He was so sick of hearing those same lyrics for hours on end.”

“That was really sweet of him.” “It was definitely to benefit his own sanity though, believe me.”

John laughed before placing the instrument in his lap, shifting the pillow to his feet. “‘I Want to Hold Your Hand,’ aye?” He asked, watching her nod quickly. “Think I remember the chords for that one.”

“If you don’t, I can always help you, love.” Lane’s voice dripped in amusement as she sent him a teasing smirk.

John rolled his eyes as he chuckled slightly. “Pretty sure I can handle it on my own.”

Lane settled back into the cushion behind her as she watched him intently, John’s gaze falling as he played for her. He tried to mask his blush as he sang along quietly, never being a big fan of his own voice. However, as he finished the song and looked up at Lane, her reaction made him want to do it more often.

“I’ve never heard you sing before.” “I know… I don’t like to do it all that oft-”

“Please do it more. Your voice is quite lovely.”

“Thank you.” John’s face flushed a deeper shade as he set the guitar down on the coffee table in front of them, his bottom lip being taken between his teeth.

A short silence fell between them before Lane yawned quietly, her eyes blinking up at him. John shifted to check the time on his watch, shaking his head at the time.

“What is it?” She asked quietly, stifling another yawn with her sleeve.

“It’s nearing half six already,” he laughed, shaking his head at how much time they’d spent together. “You should probably get to bed, Lane.”

She nodded slowly, rubbing her eyes. “Would you like to stay over?”

John’s heart stopped beating for a moment as her words hung in the air. “Pardon?”

“Would you like to stay over? I don’t want to kick you out when it’s so late… well… early, I guess.”

John wanted nothing more than to stay over, even if that meant he slept on the couch. However, the fact that he had rehearsal in a few hours hung over his head, ruining her offer.

“I wish I could but… I-I have rehearsal later and I should probably go home and shower beforehand.”

Lane nodded before giving him a small smile. “Don’t worry, John. I completely understand.” She shifted herself off the couch, reaching her arms above her head as she stretched slightly.

“Thank you for tonight, Lane.” “I should be the one thanking you. I’m the one who invited you in because I was so…”

John waved off her comment before he pulled her into a hug. “Don’t worry about it. I didn’t mind one bit.”

Lane wrapped her arms around his neck tightly, nuzzling her nose into his chest for a moment. “Call me later, alright? I want to make sure you made it home okay.” “Right, because the half a block is such a treacherous journey,” he chuckled, nudging her arm gently.

Lane rolled her eyes before pushing him towards the door, stopping herself when John was leaned against it. “I’ll see you later, yeah?” “Of course.”

“Goodnight, John.” “Sweet dreams, Lane.”

As John walked home that morning, he swore that no feeling could have ever topped the way he felt in that instant. As he flopped face first onto his bed, his mind could only be consumed with one thing: Lane… and he didn’t want it any other way.

Tag List: @mimisfangirlfantasy @ceruleanrainblues @16wiishes @ayomercury @brianmaysnailpolish @bitchwilly @the-b-side @queenyezra @rogerinatrash @glasslark @harrysfetuscurls @magicwithaknife @tv-saved-the-teenage-girl @onedramaticqueen @bi-hemian-rhapsody @coffe0317stardust @isabella-bby @itsametaphorbriansblog @johndeaconisaqueen @15wiishes @moveimbi @princessleiaqueen @depressedpolishgirl @deacytits @rogerscupboard @anotheronebitesthedeaks @deacydeacy

[thesims4blogger]

The Sims 4 Seasons: Twitter (Q&A Part 9)

SimGurus post to Twitter give more info on The Sims 4 Seasons. Info includes: Trick or Treating, Season Lengths, Screens/Video

It doesn't default to anything, and it shouldn't break clothes more than any other pack can potentially break CC. We created the system to accommodate CC.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 6, 2018

We did not release bunk beds in Seasons. Also, I looked into your Mac question - we will need to do some work on our renderer long term, which we're investigating now. Unfortunately we ALSO just found out.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

No.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

@SimGuruGrant Just a fun question, how long has seasons been in development for?

— SpotSims ❤ (@SpotSims) June 7, 2018

This is the type of question we don't like to answer because no matter what we say it gets turned into a negative topic. Plus it's tough to say b/c often with packs like Seasons and Cats & Dogs we have small pre-production teams that start way early. https://t.co/ScUIOYIlCG

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

This is the type of question we don't like to answer because no matter what we say it gets turned into a negative topic. Plus it's tough to say b/c often with packs like Seasons and Cats & Dogs we have small pre-production teams that start way early. https://t.co/ScUIOYIlCG

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

No.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

I think Holidays are VERY cool. one of our pillars for the pack is that Sims anticipate the future, that there is a sense of time passing. The calendar lets you celebrate key moments, tell stories, and create a "year" for your Sims. https://t.co/KyeF7weGMg

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

No.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 7, 2018

They are an object, but also more than that.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 8, 2018

All the info will be shared with folks regardless of where they are. We aren't giving attendees anything exclusive...

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 8, 2018

The default is 7 days.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 8, 2018

Most worlds have a place where they appear, yes.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 8, 2018

Most of our focus was on the seasonal content. Ice skating, building snow pals, decorations, and the bigger holidays. Not saying it couldn't have worked, just that we focused elsewhere. https://t.co/f0GBu6pfiO

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 8, 2018

Why didn't you add igloos to the Sims 4 Seasons?

— SimmerPTMiguel (@SimmerPTMike) June 8, 2018

We thought about it. Ultimately, they aren't a typical thing most people expect. If it comes down to, say, a snow pal and snow angel versus igloo, we'll choose the former. https://t.co/T6gnfhJ4Ys

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 8, 2018

No

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 9, 2018

No

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 9, 2018

Alright, you guys have earned this for bearing with me for so long. Here's the Calendar in all it's glory! Big thanks to everyone who worked on it. I'm looking forward to the stories you'll tell. For those of you going to #EAPlay, see you in LA! #CalendarHype pic.twitter.com/e1oGEyygJL

— Emory (@SimGuruEmory) June 8, 2018

You want cute! You can't handle this much cute!#EAPlay2018 starts June 9th at 11am. Make sure to check in an see what all the other SimGurus are showing off. #TheSims4Seasons and #TheSimsMobile pic.twitter.com/Ivfe6r1Pl7

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 8, 2018

Some of the decorations you've seen in the trailers. But this is one of my favorite lots to build on. pic.twitter.com/yqVlkdkNMe

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

Kids can come to your door trick or treating.

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

This. You create your own spooky day. We give you the tools. And in classic Sims design mantra, make no judgements when you combine trick or treating with streaking.

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

No death by candy.

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

Holidays appear for all sims in the world across your entire save. You can run multiple saves with different custom holidays.

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

Yep. Kids stop by your house. If you have the candy bowl from spooky stuff they can take candy from there. If you dont have spooky stuff they knock on your door and you have to trick or treat them.

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

No. That is so untrue. You can only change it to 1, 2 and '4' week increments. ;)

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

This is a default basegame house. You can always move into it.

— George Pigula (@SimGuruGeorge) June 9, 2018

Booth tour. pic.twitter.com/2VubrwtlV1

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

It’s snowing at EA Play! Standing here playing #TS4Seasons and it’s AAAMAAAAAAZING!!! If you’re coming to EA Play, come by @TheSims booth to get HANDS ON Seasons!! pic.twitter.com/LYABmWHDiH

— RoryPlays (@RoryPlays_) June 9, 2018

So hot I wanna be pic.twitter.com/DmQ25GMRf8

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

There are three new walls, but yes, not a bunch here.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

Yes

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

They are quite big. All the demo machines are in use or I would check.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

They are quite big. All the demo machines are in use or I would check.

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

I call this Sim Beesus. @SimGuruTrev pic.twitter.com/XP7BP0BL8g

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 10, 2018

The Sims ❤️ pic.twitter.com/riIdubyAe4

— Grant Rodiek (@SimGuruGrant) June 9, 2018

Sims will autoage up within 24 hours after the birthday on the calendar. We wanted to give players the full day to plan and celebrate

— Emory (@SimGuruEmory) June 10, 2018

[anyyways]

I was tagged by @kendkett​ Thank you for tagging me!!!

Rules: List 10 bands/artists you like and then answer the questions

1. George Michael/Wham!

2. Tears For Fears

3. The Beatles

4. The Cure

5. Queen

6. Prince

7. Depeche Mode

8. Roxy Music

9. David Bowie

10. Stevie Wonder

What’s the first song you heard by 6? I think it was “When Doves Cry”. My dad used to have it on a playlist in his car and I remember hearing it and hating it when I was younger LOOOL. Prince is everything to me now, how times change!

What’s your favorite song by 8? “True To Life” is an amazing song, it’s another song that reminds me of being in my dad’s or aunt’s car as a kid. Whenever I hear it I feel like I’m in a car on a summer evening being driven home from my grandmother’s house. George Michael also said that it’s his favourite song to make out to when he was around my age, I concur LOL

What kind of impact has 1 left on your life? Ooof, there’s a lot. I got into GM/Wham! when I was going through a really bad rough patch in life. I’ve always loved Wham, I remember grooving to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go on my Aunt’s Casio SA 20 as a child and loving the demo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBaOxO2qbRY  so many memories LOOOL). I just never felt alone when I listened to GM, I also felt like I could finally see myself in GM/Andrew Ridgeley. I had idolized a lot of English bands and musicians and really wanted to have straight hair and to be fair like them and what not, but Andrew and George made me comfortable with my curly hair, dark eyes, body hair, and whatev. There’s more, but I’ll end it there hahaha. 

What’s you favorite lyric from 5? “I don't want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all”, kind of depressing (and also basic, I’m a big fan of Queen I swear LOL) “Nothing really matters, anyone can see, Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me” is also another fave from Bohemian Rhapsody. I go through intense nihilistic episodes randomly so these lyrics have always resonated with me, even as a young child. “Nothing really matters” is kind of my life motto, but not in the nihilistic sense, more in the ‘take it easy’ sense. 

How many times have you seen 4 live? None :s

What’s your favorite song from 7? Oh god, I can’t choose! “Enjoy The Silence”, “Personal Jesus”, “Everything Counts”, and “People Are People” are big faves of mine, they remind me of being like 10 years old lol. “everything counts in large amounts” is another life motto of mine hjdkjdfjjdkjfhd

Is there any song from 3 that makes you sad? A lot, yeah. Definitely “In My Life”, “Long and Winding Road”, “Golden Slumbers”, and “Let it Be”. I can pretty much cry on command with those tunes LOL - the first three really start the water works for me! I had a dream where it was my wedding and my mom and I danced to “In My Life” as our Mother/son dance, i wanted to cry when i woke up LOL 

What is your favorite song by 9? Oh geez, I can’t choose!!!!! I love Bowie too much LOL “John, I’m Only Dancing”, “Oh! You Pretty Things”, “Modern Love”, “Life on Mars”, “All the Young Dudes”, “Aladdin Sane”, too many...

How did you first get into 2? I used to hear “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” and “Mad World” all of the time as a child (my aunt loves Tears For Fears”. Then I watched the video for “I Believe” and thought Roland was SO HOT (still do), and that’s the story lmfao. 

How did you get into 10? Honestly, I feel like everyone’s into Stevie’s work, it’s hard not to be. I just grew up on his music and began to really appreciate his songwriting, he’s incredible, and I love his voice! “They Won’t Go When I Go” and “I Just Called to Say I Love You” are some of my all time fave songs. I literally worship the man LOL

I tag @tennantbutt, @kotor, @the-jade-queen, @quietpoet, @picturesong, @gracienshideout, @martingorelove and whoever else wants to do this LOL.

[alphacrone]

Country Strong

How Eric Bittle Changed the Face of Country

Part of the Blue-Eyed Jack ‘Verse

(TW: brief mentions of suicide and homelessness, major homophobia, past death threats, vague mentions of threatened terrorism/mass shooting)

The players hustled across the ice in a blur of yellow and blue. The coaches stood to the side, shouting instructions. The air in the arena was frigid and electric with the energy of these men.

This was the last place I ever expected to interview a country singer.

“Thank you for meeting me here,” Eric Bittle said as I approach, hugging me like we were lifelong friends. “Me and Jack are about to go on our own roadies and won't see each other for a couple of weeks. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch his practice. Lord knows when I'll really get to watch him play again.”

The Jack he's referring to is Jack Zimmermann, the third out player in the NHL and Bittle’s boyfriend of two years.

Surprisingly, Bittle was tight-lipped when it came to his most talked-about romance. “It's nothing personal,” he said with a wry grin. “But we get so little privacy in our lines of work, I need a little bit of our relationship to be just between us. I hope you can understand that.”

I could, and so I asked about his band instead, and the recent loss of guitarist Justin Oluransi.

“Oh, I cried for days when he said he wanted to leave,” Bittle told me with a laugh. “Ransom -- that's what me and the boys call him -- Ransom’s my best friend in the whole world. Of course I was terribly sad that we wouldn't be on the same team anymore. But he's also the most talented performer I've ever known, and I am so, so happy to see him finally get the recognition he deserves. And who knows?” Bittle added with a wink. “Maybe we’ll go on tour together again soon.”

If that was a hint about Bitty & the Biscuits’ upcoming “secret project,” Bittle certainly wouldn't elaborate, no matter how much I wheedled and wormed. Eventually, the topic drifted to his rough beginnings, and an important reunion he had just this past summer.

“Everyone and their mother knows I ran away from home at 18,” Bittle said dismissively. “Wound up in Nashville waiting tables and playing in these dirty little dives. It was like a Cinderella story, getting found by my agent and having my demo picked up by a real label. I haven't been a God-fearing man in a long time, but it certainly made me feel like I had a guardian angel watching out for me.”

Bittle’s story is well-known in the country music world: fearing the worst if he came out to his friends and family in his small hometown, Bittle left home with his life savings stuffed in a sock and a second-hand guitar on his back, somehow making it all the way from Madison, Georgia to Nashville without his family knowing where he'd gone. It would be several years before they'd even learn he was alive.

“I regret it now,” Bittle said. Up until now he'd been all smiles and laughter, but he grew sober as conversation turned to his parents. “They thought I'd killed myself or starved to death or became homeless, with how vague my goodbye note had been. I never called, never wrote. Mama found me on Spotify.” He laughed at this, but it was bitter. “She was listening to one of those ‘Up and Coming’ playlists and recognized my voice. That was a year after I'd left home. She tried to get in touch then, but...well, I'd been right about my family’s reaction to me being gay, and she was real hurt that I'd just up and left. But we've been writing letters -- so old fashioned, I know -- and this past July she came to one of my shows and we got dinner and talked all night long. We’ve got a lot to get past, but she's my mama. I love her more than anything.”

That heart-warming reunion came only a month before the infamous death threats Bittle received that shook the industry to its core. The incident, still hotly talked about online and in music circles, has been compared to the death threats received by Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines in 2003 after criticizing then-President George W. Bush. 

“Getting those death threats was honestly a relief,” Bittle said. “My entire career, being gay in country, I was just waiting for something like that to happen. Not that it wasn't terrifying,” he added, throwing a hand over his heart. “But it was something I knew I'd have to face. These two men -- both behind bars now, thank goodness -- were threatening to show up at my show in Oklahoma with guns if I didn’t stop ‘promoting perversion.’ Sitting backstage, warming up with my boys, that was the most scared I've ever been in my life. But then, when I walked out on that stage, seeing all those young people out there waving rainbow flags and singing along to my songs...that was the best performance I've ever given.” Bittle laughed, bumping my arm with his elbow. “It was like that calm feeling you get when you free fall on a roller coaster. I knew that if those men got past security, I could die any second and I wanted to go out singing my heart out.”

Luckily for Bittle and everyone in the venue that evening, the two would-be gunmen did not follow through on their threat, and were arrested a few months later on unrelated charges. “Good riddance,” Bittle said cheerfully, smile wide and bright again. “Folks with that kind of ugly hate in their hearts get what’s coming to them, in the end. I’m just glad no one got hurt in the process.”

Before I left Bittle to watch his boyfriend’s team scrimmage, I had to ask one last question: what would you say to your younger self?

“You'll be okay,” Bittle said. “It'll be hard. People will be cruel. But they'll also be kind. You'll find family in your band. You'll fall in love with a great guy. You'll do what you love and love what you do and be a role model for people out there who are scared and lonely. Oh, and write your poor mother,” he added with a wink. “She’ll be your number one fan, in the end. You come out on top, kid.” 

[OMGCP Country Singer AU]

[My writing tag]

[My online novel, The Discourt Knife]

[caroltheman]

Read at your own risk. These are MY thoughts and MY feelings and they do not cater to the leftist idealism, so if you are afraid of getting your feelings hurt, STOP HERE.

--------

Today is a big day. I’ve never been so involved with politics EVER in my life than this year. In 2016, I was with the Democrats, the left, and whatever ideas were pushed towards me to stop Donald Trump from winning. I hated him. I hated the way he spoke. I was against my husband’s political stance (yes, the hubby and I can have different opinions and get along PERFECTLY). I thought he was a terrible example of what our nations leader should resemble. I was ANTI-Trump. 

When he won, I didn’t care too much. I got over it. But... I kept an eye out on events after his election. I never really understood what was happening but I did hear whispers of what was going on in the white house every so often. As issues kept coming up... Build the Wall, ending of DACA, Large amounts of people running from other countries (mainly Latin American countries) trying to get into our southern border, Individuals from the cabinet slowly being replaced or resigning, impeachment, school shootings, banning of firearms, court cases (don’t really know much of that, but now I know its about individuals getting seats on the Supreme Court), etc. etc. etc. BLM, Antifa, more civil unrest, shooting of cops, burning of poor democratic cities, etc etc etc.. I started to wonder.... WTF is going on?? And demos still crying about the same shit...

I started to do research. I don’t really care to listen to local news and big news stations like Fox or CNN or whatever. Yes, sometimes I tune in to both sides, but seriously, I was sick of watching things set on fire. American flags burning. Looting. Violence. I was searching for perspectives outside of my overly democratic run social media feed. I’ve watched probably hundreds of videos of different people of all different walks of life. I started discourse with more right-winged individuals. I started to become more open minded about things on the right. And when I think about my only personal values, I kept finding myself more and more on the right side of things. 

Today, this is where I stand:

1. I stand for strong border protection. I do not support shouting “Build the Wall” out loud, but I do support what that message means. To me, the wall is analogous to our house door. For all the people against strong borders, I challenge you to keep your door unlocked at night. Would you feel safe knowing that anyone can come in at any time? Anyone, as in people we don’t know. Any sane person with rationale would say NO. We must lock our doors at night. We must secure our house (just think of all the tech we buy to keep out houses secure) to keep people outside and keep our families safe. An open border sounds like chaos and the most unsafe place to stay. People are confused that building a wall means no immigration. That’s not what that means. It means that we are against ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION. I am an immigrant for heavens sake. I naturalized. I was not born an American Citizen and in order for me to receive benefits of an American Citizen, first, my dad served 12 years of his life in the United States Navy. He brought over my mom, my kuya, and myself to start a new life in a country with opportunity. I am thankful for his service and my moms sacrifice and bravery for leaving everything she knows and loves behind in order for my siblings and I have to an opportunity to be successful. People don’t understand that you cannot have a country as successful as the U.S. without protecting our land from outside forces. I do believe that we desperately need immigration reform. I would like all people of all different backgrounds and economic status to have a chance at being able to immigrate to our land, but I believe there is a right way to do it... and it definitely isn’t let everyone in anytime they want. I have kept my mouth shut about my stance on border protection because I am aware of my audience. I know that I have hundreds of students watching me. I know that a lot of them are low income. I know some of them are illegal. But as a teacher, it was never my mission to out undocumented students or families. I sympathize with my students who’s families face deportation, but I stand my ground that illegally penetrating our borders is not the way to do things. I don’t have a full on answer on how the country should handle it (obviously, I have my own life and I am not a politician - although I do have some ideas) but I know the difference between wrong and right. Entering this country illegally, to me, is not the right way... AND ESPECIALLY with the thought of my own family in the Philippines who also face the same struggles that others who flee their country face. It is unfair that due to physical proximity, some can just come through while others from PI and countries from all over the world are waiting for their turn. To me, that is unfair. Moving to Hawaii and having spoke to Aunties who have immigrated from PI has added even more support to my stance. I spoke to an Auntie that said she waiting 21 years to get her Visa. She is petitioning over her son who may wait about a decade before being looked at. I stand my ground on illegal immigration for people who are in line waiting patiently, yet desperately, to come here for their opportunity. I stand my ground for all the other people in the world who are also waiting for a way in to this country the legal way.

2. Law and Order. I mean, how is this even a topic of confusion? like WTF? This is one of the reasons that literally pushed me away from the left. You’ve got Antifa and BLM rioters burning cities and businesses down. (and yes, I know, I know.. the response is, “but that’s not ALL of BLM” or “those people are not even BLM”, or blah blah blah. BULLfuckingSHIT. They are all ANTI-trump and some of them (actually most that I’ve seen) do wear BLM shit. They tag BLM shit everywhere and they don’t care about who they hurt or what they bring down with their anger.) I’ve seen videos of these groups harassing people who are minding their own business and eating lunch as protestors are yelling in their faces and forcing them to leave. They surround elderly who are merely walking down the street by blocking their way and yelling at their faces. I’ve watched countless videos of small business owners trying to protect their property and life’s work by getting jumped or die trying to protect their store fronts. And you know what gets me ever more riled up, SOME (if not most) OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE BLACK!!!!!!! Black owned business burned down. Black business owners crying about their life’s work totally gone at the expense of the anger of the wrongful death of another black person (who happens to be criminal). I empathize with the anger and sadness of the wrongful death of George Floyd. I agree that justice for his life should be served. I agree that Police Brutality needs to be addressed and police accountability and training needs reform... but how the left handles their emotions of anger is un-excusable. I’ve seen posts from my liberal friends, “Let them show their anger the way they want.” WTF? Seriously? So, if I’m mad, I can just go burn shit down? go beat somebody up? Go shoot cops? Like every field, I believe there are bad apples. Any one who denies that, I’d be very cautious to believe, but I have faith that the majority of our police officers are not racist. I believe that the majority of them are trying to do the right thing. I hate to admit that police presence is probably more prevalent in communities with higher numbers of people of color, but I’m curious to know WHY are communities with high numbers of POC are more prone to gangs, violence, drugs, and inevitably higher presence of law enforcement. I wonder why? ...and that leads me to the next reason:

3. Accountability. Leaders like Candice Owens, the Real MAGA Hulk, Kingface, and many many many many many many more Black Americans talk about it all the time. They talk about why nothing has changed in our Black American Communities. They have been voting Democrat for YEARS... and its still the same! Biden and Kamala Harris have been in politics for soooo long, but whats going on in these democratic cities? More tents of homelessness. More criminal activity. More drugs. More human trafficking. But instead of acknowledging the issues that minorities face and holding ourselves accountable for the changes we want to see, what do we do? BLAME TRUMP. The guy has been in office for less than 4 years and everything is his fault. Trump this, Trump that. Trump is the reason everything is going wrong. Trump divides us. Trump makes me mad. Trump, Trump, Trump. Jesus Fuck. Sooo OVER IT. People want to blame him for their shortcomings, for the racial tension, for every single challenge we face as a nation. As an individual I hold myself accountable for where I am today. Every accomplishment I’ve successfully completed has all been to holding myself accountable for making goals, whether for my career or for romantic relationships, and making sure I make no excuse to meet these goals. Yes, I grew up disadvantaged! I’m a victim of living in low-income housing and a victim of an unstable household to include divorce, domestic violence, and exposure to gang life. Yes, we had Section 8. Yes, my mom used food stamps when we were young. Yes, my dad was not around due to the military and my mom practically having to hold shit down with three children in a country she knows nothing about with a language she barely knew with NO HELP as all her family is in the PI and my paternal side being pretty much evil and hated her. Yes, we moved a million times as a child -  from an apartment near Kimball Park... to Meadow Brook Apartments... to my uncle’s house... to my other uncle’s garage...to the same uncles house... to a rent a room near where Joann/Erika used to live... to a house on M street... to the apartment on 2nd street (in the front)... to the same apartment complex but another apartment in the back... to an apartment behind Suhi... to an apartment on Highland Ave bordering Chula Vista... to the apartment on 1st Street... with pockets of staying in Welfare housing to staying at Rvy’s house to staying at Apryl’s house to staying at Josie’s house. Schools: from Kimball to John Otis to Daniel Boone to Las Palmas to El Toyon and finally, Granger Jr. High and Sweetwater. I remember having to use candles because we had no electricity. I remember no christmas tree during the holidays and instead using a sorry ass fake plant to replace it. I remember going on our show choir weekend trip to SF where my kuya and I literally exchanged looks as we decided which meal at McDonald’s we should share keeping in mind we have to budget for the rest of the meals we have to pay because thats all the money my mom gave us - while everyone around us could order much more than what we had. I remember hanging out with gang affiliated individuals and realizing how lucky I am to have separated from that lifestyle. Recently, I’ve been challenged to remember my upbringing, yes, my dear friend, I remember. I remember sitting outside your front door, peeking into the black metal screen door as my siblings and I watched you play the coolest and latest console gaming. I remember you hanging out after school at the Boys and Girls club while I hung out with the Mexicans and Samoans and the other crips whom were my neighbors. We can sit here and compare our sad stories and struggles but for people to ask me to reflect on the shit I’ve been through, brother you have no fucking clue. Have you watched your mom beat to colors black and blue? And I whole-heartedly am not trying to discount the struggles you’ve faced, but please don’t lecture me on why I should be angry or sad about my upbringing, because you have no clue what I’ve had to endure. My story is sad. If I had let that this shit bring me down and cry “Woe is me,” I have no doubt I wouldn’t be where I am today. Ever since I can remember, I’ve volunteered to be part of the change. Any positive change. I’ve dedicated my high school career trying to make school life as enjoyable as possible - but what happens? - the majority is still upset and hated the ASB (People have NO idea how many hours I’ve spent on the Suhi campus as a student trying to make things better). I’ve dedicated my post secondary life to become a teacher in the community I grew up in to affect change for the future generations. I stand as living proof that despite all the shit we all go through in life, we can be successful. WHY? Because we live in the land of opportunity. America is probably one of the only places (I can’t think of no other, but sure, lets pretend there are other countries like ours), where you can be poor and go through tons of shit and despite all of it, can still come out and be successful. But blaming others and being upset is not the key. It’s about HARD WORK and PERSEVERANCE, not blame or bull shit. This is the same kind of accountability that haunts communities with majority POC and I will not support the “Woe is me” or the “Endless Circles of Victimhood” mindset. I want out of that shit and into something better. 

4. National Security and all its benefits. This is the only country that I’ve seen where there are people who hate it and refuse to leave. Like damn, you hate our country so much, you want to burn it down, and you REFUSE to get the fuck out. Must not be that bad? Our borders are closed for random people to be able to come in without a Visa or Citizenship, yet we do not stop people from leaving this country if they really wanted to. The fact that everyone is trying to come in proves that people would die to be here. The scariest part of this election (to me) is losing our freedoms. I’ve watched a video of a testimony from a Cuban guy who risked his life to wind surf from Cuba to land on the Keys of Miami to seek asylum. Thats how great Socialism is. He says, socialism sounds great in text book. It may even feel great the first few years, but after a while, it starts to suck when you realize the government controls what you eat, when you eat, when to shop, where to shop, where to go for medical, etc. etc. He says, he wakes up very early in the morning to line up for food for his family to receive some mediocre bread, rice, and beans or whatever he said was the glamorous meal of the day. He says, when he finally got to America, he cried at the sight of being able to eat steak because he never had an opportunity to do so in his home country. He says medical attention sucks because since everyone gets treated the same, everyone must wait in line. Anyway, if socialism was so great, why’d he risk his life to leave it? They say Socialism is the step before Communism (places like China). You’ll never find anyone in China burning Chinese flags because if you do, you’re dead. I think at this point in the election, everyone has already chosen their sides. You’re either left or right. I don’t care to change Leftist perspectives but this is the side I chose for myself. Trump didn’t need to become president. Why the fuck would he want to do that? He had it all. He doesn’t even take a salary. He’s been attacked for the last 3-4 years, event after event. He’s attacked for being a racist, yet Dems support Joe Biden who LITERALLY said, “If you don’t know who you are voting for, me or Trump, then you ain’t Black.” That is literally the most racist shit I’ve ever heard and if we flip the script and Trump was the one who said that exact same line, the media will be having a field day!!!! But it was Biden who said it, so let’s forgive him, blame trump, and sweep it under the rug. Trump is not the best speaker, I’ll give you that. I can barely stand his voice sometimes. I too, need to take a break from his rallies of screaming and shit lol, but I admire that the guy is NOT a politician. He doesn’t need to listen to lobbyists who want him to do things because he doesn’t need money. He cannot be bought. On the other hand you have long time politicians like Biden and his family who have made money through and through by running for political spots promising things he’s never delivered. Black people look to him for some deranged idea of “hope” like he’s going to affect change when he himself wrote the 1994 Crime Bill which incriminated many people for petty crimes, primarily POC. Kamala Harris did the same thing according to many black testimonies I’ve seen - they are LITERALLY running away from her. Trump stands for America and its values. As a so-called racist, he signed a bill giving Historic Black Universities funding for not one year, but many years! I think 10, is it? (i’ll leave the dems to fact check it). He has created opportunity zones in democratically ran cities. He has pardoned POC to finally escape from prison for non-violent crimes. I mean, you have to wonder.. yes there are black people that hate him in the spark of BLM when they come out, but there are a lot of black people who love him too. Trump stands up to other nations and his “bad-ass” attitude may not be attractive to our soft demo’s who prefer to vote personality over policy, but it’s the same attitude that demands more from other countries in terms of financials and their fair share in world-wide peace. Trump is not a political puppet that can be swayed and pressured into selling out our country’s soul at the hands of other countries who are so called out performing us in every possible way - military strength, education, and financials. No one wants to talk about Biden’s ties with China but that shit is literally scary. It’s not that “impossible” to believe that we could be attacked at anytime (Hawaii and SD would be huge targets). Trump expects more from other countries and only makes deals that will benefit our country, not theirs. As the demos look up to Biden/Harris for whatever they are crying about, others are looking to Trump/Pence to literally MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. I have never been so proud and patriotic as a proud Republican Female Immigrant voting for Donald Trump. A long time ago, I let my teacher know (Mrs. Hall or Mrs. Rose) know that I was agnostic and asked, "Will I ever find my reasoning to believe?”. She said, “One day, you will find one. Some day. Just Wait.” I think it’s today, lol. If Biden wins, I’ll start praying our nation doesn’t get sold along with it. I thank my husband and Josie for helping me keep it together through this ever emotional year of 2020. I pray that all this is in my head. I look to House of Cards for a reminder that maybe... all this political shit is exactly that - just politics. I pray there is nothing to fear and that our national security is at no risk if Biden wins. I pray that if Biden wins, my  demo friends or ex-friends are right - that he’s gonna do the right thing for the our nation and it’s citizens. 

5. Hatred FROM the left. Honestly, I started to secretly doubt the left, but kept my mouth shut about it especially on social media - knowing that more than 90% of my feed were leftists. I only spoke to people I trusted who would help me create logical thought processes on how to absorb the things I was seeing realtime. Little did I know that my social media silence bothered a black person and he called me out for not saying anything. So I pursued research. I watched videos of the cries of BLM and found that besides George Floyd’s death (and a few others), I don’t see the same things other Demos see in these cases. Breonna Taylor died in the hallway of her own home, not in her bed when she was sleeping, unless she sleeps in the hallway, but idk her so who really knows? Coming to find that her bf is the one that shot at the cops first and shot a cop in the leg to be answered my gun shots leading to Breonna Taylors death but not the BF who hid behind her. Ya’ll want to protest that?? What about the cops that are trying to do their jobs? They were there due to continuous investigations of drugs that BT’s bf was involved in. What about the families of the cops? Are they expected to just come home dead? I would NEVER allow my husband to be a police officer. It is a bad time to be one. They risk their lives everyday to do what’s right and yet they get shit thrown at them, deal with rioters that hate them, etc etc. If my husband had to chokehold someone (IDGAF if he or she was white, black, asian, mexican, WHATEVER race bait you want to bring up), I authorize my husband to throw it down however the fuck he felt necessary to come back home to me and my future family. I stand with the spouses and families of all service members that sacrifice everything for the common good and safety for the people and their communities. AND I KNOW, that there are BAD COPS out there. I agree with you that they should be addressed and be pushed to resign, but I believe that the majority of our service men and women are here to do the job the right way. I back the blue 100%. If you don’t, I better not hear or see of any demos calling cops when you need help. I hope you win your battles with your pitchforks cause ya’ll won’t even have weapons to defend yourself if ever you had to because Demos are trying to take your guns away. lol Yea yea, pretty dramatic, but not “impossible” in my eyes. *DEEP BREATH* After sporadic days of emotional wreck, I made a decision on where I stand, I posted, “TRUMP 2020″ and here they come!!!! “If you vote for Trump, you are a racist” Really bro? All of a sudden, I’m a racist? “How can you vote for him? You are a female, asian immigrant!” What does that even mean???? Because I am a female, or because I am Asian, or because I am an immigrant, are you telling me that I only have ONE WAY TO VOTE?! That is the most UN-FREE-ING thing anyone has every told me. There’s only one way. Sounds like a fucking trap. The left made it clear to me - that is not the side I want to be on. Easy choice. AND EVEN THEN... My black ex-friend, says... “Ohhhh, your husband is white and in the miltary. Makes sense.” MOTTTHEEERRRRFUCCCKKKERRR. Did you just discredit my position because my husband is a white man in the Navy? Pffft. I’ve walked away from the left with no intent to return. I’ve learned that I need to have thicker skin when it comes to losing friends because we can’t see eye to eye with politics. I won’t initiate separation but I’ve spent plenty of time thinking about the kinds of people and ideology I’m leaving behind in 2020 and looking forward to cultivating relationships with those who still accept me despite our differences and especially those who share the same ideology. 

6. Hate for America and Disrespect for our Armed Forces. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I see American flags burning or football/basketball players kneeling during our National Anthem, it doesn’t make me want to join you. I asked my husband, “How do you feel when people kneel during the National Anthem?” He said, “I joined the military so they have the freedom to do what they want.” WTF?! My dearest hubby, I love you for your humble stance because you are right.. Americans are free to do what they want... and this freedom is protected by the men and women who sacrifice their lives to defend this country from outside forces! Don’t you guys fucking remember World War II??? We barely won this war. Some say by luck of the creation of the atomic bomb from someone from our side. If we had lost that war, we would probably be owned by Japan? maybe Germany? (Seriously, I wished I paid more attention when I was enrolled in history classes. lol) In my eyes, we wouldn’t have our current freedoms or our current lives if the brave men and women of our armed forces didn’t sacrifice their lives to preserve it... and ya’ll have the balls to kneel for what???? racial injustice for criminals?? GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE. There are plenty of mothers who give birth to babies who’s dads can’t be there because they are overseas. We’ve got people crying about COVID? << (don’t even get me started on that shit) Countless fathers miss their babies births, birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. etc. to protect our great nation so that you can, in turn, burn the flag and disrespect what it stands for. People can’t be with their friends and families during COVID?? I sympathize with you but now you’ve had a small  taste of what military families go through. Then you got people who respond with, “But that’s your choice. Your choice to join the military. Your choice to marry someone in the military.” FUCK YOU. Are you telling me that people like my husband don’t deserve to be loved and supported in fear that we will be separated for months at a time while he is over seas?? Fuck you. I’m actually VERY LUCKY that I met a man that has worked his way up that I didn’t have to feel ALL the sacrifices that other families have made. Do you know what military families have to go through to keep their families together?? There are plenty of families broken because spouses are not together, and to say - “oh that’s their choice” is the most selfish thing EVER... and I don’t (completely) blame the family members that are left behind when they can’t hack it, because seriously, it’s hard. Countless nights alone and separated from loved ones. Trying to do a two person job alone ALL THE TIME, not just a couple days, but MONTHS. Sometimes YEARS altogether. My husband may not care about the donk donks that disrespect our military and everything they’ve done and to all the lives sacrificed, and to all the service members who come back with no families, no love, and no one to support them, I STAND WITH YOU. Oh! Oh! Don’t even get me started with the VA and the medical that is provided to our service members. People want Free Healthcare?! Veterans have Free HealthCare and its one of the worst! We provide our service members with maybe “par” sometimes SUBPAR healthcare. I technically have free healthcare, but in fear that I won’t be seen on time or seen with proper care when I get pregnant, we have opted to pay the extra fees for better care.

7. Personal Health and Sanity. To discuss all the controversial things that the right vs left argue about sounds mundane and tiresome. It really is. I’ve invested so much time and emotions deciphering where I stand to include conversations with handfuls of people who say, “I respect your opinion and I’ve always respected you as a person and am curious to know why you’re voting for Trump.” I’ve questioned my position many times. I’ve watched and read (although, I’ll admit, I hate reading and it was never something I was strong in. I am a visual person and I prefer to hear and watch videos of other’s personal thoughts and experiences.”  I appreciate my friend, Cassie, who reminded me, it doesn’t always have to be about policies. It is okay to vote for Trump based on my own experiences - just like how she see’s things. She a Mexican trump supporter who legally immigrated to the U.S. from Mexico and attended SYH. She watched her school cater to undocumented students putting their needs before hers when she is an Mexican-American who’s single mom pays taxes and wanted to learn curriculum in English, not Spanish, but was taught in Spanish because the other kids didn’t know English. Cassie, you literally lifted tons of weight off my shoulders. Thank you! I thank my long time friend Paulos, who responded to my recent post of me wearing a Trump hat with, “You’re about to piss off ALL your friends. Good job though. Fuck em lol” I responded with, “I fucking love you!!” Always have and always will. I’ve never in my life felt like I couldn’t be myself out loud until 2020, a time where leftists shame you for having a different opinion and basically delete you if you support Trump. But I thought to myself, this is the WORST TIME to stay quiet. I am worried that our youngsters who live in democratic cities like National City are only exposed to what the left exposes them to, triggering hate and fear that may or may not be real, and despite my very democratic social media feed, I figured, I’ll be the first to stand for what I believe in with pride and without shame. I have always done what I believe is right, even if its not the most popular opinion, and even if that meant standing my ground against people I thought loved me - especially coming from California, and especially coming from National City. I have ALWAYS told the hubby that after he retires from the Navy, I only see us living in SD. This is the first time in my life where I did not want to come back to CA. In fact, CA was third on my list after Texas and Tennessee. I want to thank my bf Jo, for reminding me of why I should reconsider and remember where my roots are. To remember our upbringing and remember that the people we are most close with today are those in proximity to us. Thank you for taking me out of my very emotional mental state and bringing me back to rationale about why it is important to me to live near my closest friends and family and I truly thank you for investing time to make sure I am always considering all my options rationally and not emotionally. I thank my family, although we are 3vs2 lol we still love each other despite what we value politically. I thank my husband who protects me, my thoughts, and my values. I thank you for being patient with ALL my emotions throughout this year. You have NEVER EVER EVER pushed me to be one way or another. You have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS let me decide things on my own and in my own time, including the move to Hawaii and my recent change in political views. You truly are the BEST person I know and I will love you FOREVER!!!!! Lastly, Thank You Donald J. Trump for ruffling feathers everywhere and shedding light on the bull shit going on with politicians. Thank you for sacrificing your life as well as your families’ lives and businesses for the sake of preserving American values and American Life. GOD BLESS AMERICA.