#everyone look away im emotional
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Happy 10 years of Chrome!!!
Chrome has officially been around for a full decade y’all. I can’t believe it. Thanks for coming along with me for the ride.
I officially started Chrome’s blog on March 3, 2013 at the age of 13. Since then, I’ve done countless ret-cons to his story, changed his design, made a fool of myself, slowly learned to draw, added characters to his story, highkey abandoned his blog, and thought about this dumbass fictional man every single day. It’s weird to say that an OC I made at 13 has been the most stable thing in my life. It’s also weird how emotionally attached I am to him. That’s life! This idiot has been my escape from life and helped me work through the hardest times of my life.
Here’s to several more decades with this fake man living rent free in my brain. I love you, dude.
#my art#jamescaverly#oc#everyone look away im emotional#he’s my best friend and he’s not even real#real talk chrome is how i worked thru so much in my life#whether is was sexuality or gender or mental illness or grief#big shout out to my mutuals and the onceler fandom#wouldnt be here without y’all#digital drawing#artists on tumblr#NOTE: THAT IS NOT ALCOHOL#i forgot to make a note abt that#its cider
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He had the words written on hhis palm
#why am i legit crying abt this#lik e bithc i already knew that#everyone look away im emotional#also the subtitles are wrong that isnt what the words mean
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assorted scribbles and Love Bites!!!!
#THEYRE IN MY BRAIN THEYRE IN MY BRAIN MY FUCKING GOD THEY'RE IN THERE!!!!!#i want to PUNCH & BITE SOMETHING theyre soooooooo aghh bsdkjcJKDFNJSVDSL#sorry. sorry. look away im losing my Absolute Marbles#they make me so emotional....#having breathing problems while typing#they Affect Me and Effect Me and Everythingggggggg#literallyyyy FUCK everyone else theyre the only ones who matter#scribble salad#laughingstock#barnaby x howdy#howdy x barnaby#watch barnaby's gonna end up being the token straight-#hes bi In My Heart (until proven otherwise. probably gonna be proven otherwise)#tho man... his pokemon au design is So fruity.... WAIT WHAT EAR WAS THE EARRING IN?! hold on i need to look something up#THE LEFT EAR NOOOOO THAT'S THE STRAIGHT EAR-#again Im Just Joking! Joshing! Jesting! dont take this seriously please dear fucking god dont-#im simply a jester in this giant court. jingling my lil bells and doin a jig#fr tho when i first saw all the neighbors i looked right at barnaby and thought 'ah. thats probably the straight one huh'#BUT! WE HAVE NO CONFIRMATION EITHER WAY!#AND I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE DELUSIONAL ABOUT LAUGHINGSTOCK! SO!!#straight barnaby can't hurt me he isn't real-#and ofc. howdy has always been so so fruity To Me <3#idk what it is about him! hes just! i look at him and my entire brain goes 'oh that mf has four limp wrists'#AND TOGETHER THEY ARE THE FLUFFY HUSBANDS!!!! WHO WONT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
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Listen, I may not like the Anti-Jiang Cheng perspective, but I hate the condescension even more.
Like. Dude. Do you *have* to insult the intelligence, humanity, and sympathetic response of everyone who loves this bitter angry grape man??? Do you have to "Oh you sweet stupid summer child" or "you fucking twat" or "you abuse apologist" everyone who likes him? Do you have to call names and yell and be mean about it??? Like, seriously.
The only characters who aren't given any form of goodness in the book are Wen Ruohan, Wen Chao, and Jin Guangshan. Wen Chao's girlfriend even got something to her name when you read her last few scenes. But Jiang Cheng, Jin Guangyao, and Xue Yang all got something positive. I may not vibe with the latter two, but I can see and respect those who do. To me, it isn't hard. And when it DOES get difficult, my first step is to walk the other direction. If I feel haunted and plagued, then it's the block button.
Like, your fandom experience doesn't have to turn you angry and bitter and lashing out at people who think differently or have different traits that endear someone to their heart. Yeah, it could be a "slutty waist," or it could be a series of traits that are cathartic to watch and not act on, or it could be the inherent tragedy of a character. Who knows, and who cares?
If you hate him, then cool. You do you. I do genuinely mean this. I don't have a problem with other people hating my guy because I know that some people will for reasons that are valid and their own. But you don't have to hold your opinion with the same fervor of an obsessive evangelist, condemning all who disagree with you to a special kind of hell. Enjoy your favorite characters, hate Jiang Cheng in peace, and let go of the need to sneer at everyone you personally disagree with.
#as a note if you get nasty on this post i will block you#thats not for debate#im tired of looking at the jc tag and being condescended to and yelled about#by people who wouldnt care about me in literally any other circumstance#mdzs#jiang cheng#jc#i also literally stopped reading some JC content due to going too hard and hating on everyone else#the backing away and blocking is a real option#and if you need to block me too then godspeed good fandom citizen#just#so tired#imma go hug my emotional support angry grape man#bye bye
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> be a robin buckley fan
> be lesbian
> project on robin
> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic
> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve
#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!''#i have several grips about that interpretation#going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply)#to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take#a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his#inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect#him to be that smart#but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way#it fine#what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao#who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3)#3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too#like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's#rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc#the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭#also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw#unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it)#like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her.#she's his friend.#but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones#where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭#anti steddie#not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone#edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel#drowned in st3ddie posts#like something isn't right here
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jing yuan and yanqing are giving zhongli and xiao if the latter’s canon relationship was Actually fanon’s made up father figure/adopted child dynamic
#idkkkkkkkkkkkkk who looks at zx and is like 'you know what. this is a healthy parent child relationship'#like girl by fitting them into father son boxes you are actively making their relationship imbalance Worse#if you do that and dont shy away from it i respect that but if you say dad/son makes their relationship more wholesome or whatever like WHY#now i wont deny shippers might do that too but i see the dad son version so much i think im just averse to it by default#also because i think father son makes people actively Try to make their relationship something that its not and it erases a bunch of subtlet#subtleties in it. it's the nuanced r/ship -> entirely unproblematic and flavorless r/ship that i hate#also the number of people who'll block if you ship zx. like damn thats crazy you guys really think theyre father son (fake)???#at their peak they're like. 4000 year old guys who have too much history and repression and some weird entanglement of 'nah im bothering him#too much' and 'gotta protect him w my life' complexes. and then this devolves into theyre never gonna kiss until 3000 more years have passed#listen they just Contain Multitudes idc if you dont ship it just dont make it into dad and son and we will be so gucci#jing.yuan and yanqing are like different i think mostly bc yanqing is actually like a minor and jing yuan is also a normal ish person#plus the light cone and the abouts?? yeah this is an actual like adopted parent/child thing#also good or bad news i caved and am now playing hsr. the plan is to pull yanqing and then go on infinite hiatus in the game 👍#JWKFLJWEK i dont think theres really any draws for me besides him. personally neutral on turn based combat and the open world isn't giving#the only saving grace i have rn is 1) ive gotten to the part where bron.seele is real and man theyre gay 2) trailblazer trio 3) tall female#mc 4) everyone has way better emoting abilities than genshin 5) su.shang's really cute <3#the story doesnt really interest me though its like cool but not mindgrippingly interesting#tbf i think genshin is the same way storyline wise (at the beginning) but the difference is that turn based combat isnt really my thing LMAO#ramblings!#zhongxiao#if you want to filter it out ??
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thinking about how easily ray was willing to make an exception to his firm ‘i can only save emma and norman’ stance once don and gilda are actually in on the escape. the fact that, during his ‘deal’ with norman in ep 5 ‘we can bring don and gilda too’ isnt a condition norman had that ray begrudgingly agreed to but rather one that ray brought up completely unprompted.
ray has spent years coming to terms with the fact that saving everyone is impossible, years putting emma and norman over everyone else because they were the most precious people in his life and because risking a bigger escape could get everyone killed. he thought it was better for the others to live ignorant, happy lives until their shipment than to get killed on the outside.
ray never had that same ignorant bliss the others had, emma and norman lost it after seeing conny, and while don and gilda aren’t given the full truth at first, they are given enough to have that illusion shattered for them as well. i just think a lot about how ray knows what it’s like to be trapped in that house without that happy illusion, and the moment don and gilda lose it, he can’t allow himself to push them away anymore.
#skye's ramblings#I DUNNO IM JUST. I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS. even before the escape ray cares abt everyone so so much#his whole thing is he wants to minimize their grief. if he cant save them he wants to make sure they dont suffer at all#he pushes them away not just for his own emotions but bc he thinks theyll handle his eventual death better if theyre not close to him#hes just a scared kid who wants to help everyone!!! so so bad!!!! fuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!#also why the whole situation w phil makes me insane like. ray had no input in that decision. im not sure he wouldve let him stay behind#yeees it was phils choice to stay but rays the only ond who knows what that choice actually fucking means!!!!! fuck!!!#and as ive made abundantly clear. i reaally love ray's apology to don in ep 6 not only for thedevelopment between them#but also bc of the look emma n norman exchange when he does it. they definitely know hes distanced himself from everyone else#even if they dont have every detail at this point. he has made his stance on making sure they escape at any cost abundantly clear#ray means the world to them but they dont want to be his only source of comfort yknow. seeing that brief vulnerability was everything <3#ohhhhh im so. rays relationship w both don and gilda is everything to me. lying onthe foor
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hmm i like actually wanna kms
#big oof 🥴#if i try to talk im dramatic and emotional and only met with judgement ....#if i try to push it all down and pretend everythings fine i feel like im slowly dying#if i try to ask for help ppl only slap my hand away and dismiss me#if i complain im a negative pos who everyone hates#if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe#im never right or ok or valid or anything. im always wrong.....#im sad and lonely bc all i want is for someone to really truly love me and hold me#but truth is nobody cares that much if i would actually kms#but then im pathetic and whiny for crying in pain since i feel so alone and worthless#like honestlyyyy u can never win in life and esp if you're mentally ill and disordered and traumatized#and also just extremely sensitive even if u could choose u would choose to feel nothing#but ppl always complain no matter what i do :// im always doing smth wrong smth bad#like i didnt ask for everything that happened to me to happend and i didnt ask for it to shape me#and i dont want this or be like this bc my life is nothing but a miserable worthless waste of space#but im trying but im all alone in a dark hole like 12ft underground#and people who might see me wont do anything to help or just walk on their merry way#they will take a shovel and shovel even more dirt on top of me and make it even harder for me to crawl out of this hole#and like idek what im talking abt but this world is insane and people are fucking insane#and all everyone has is judgement and cruelness and calousness and like#ppl are just mean and they get personally attacked and angry if you dont live according to their standards and views and idk#ppl are insane and i feel so alone and im lying here knowing that my life is absolutely nothing#and im tired and i just wanna not exist. but really all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i matter bc ive never#wanted to be saved. i've only ever wanted to be seen and known and like idfk.... i just dont#feel good but as always... i have to lie here alone and try not to kms bc i dont have anyone to ask to just talk to me for a little moment#like i cant even imagine... asking someone like hey i wanna kms pls talk to me for a moment#and have them reply immediately and idk i wouldnt even need long just like 10 minutes.#sigh idek what im rambling on abt im just so sick and tired and exhausted and i dont wanna die not really#but im so exhausted bc i have to carry this pain every day and people are so fucking awful but i dont wanna be alone and i just dont know
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He is in fact not cool with his friends killing people he just can’t do shit about it and the fact that he thinks he can do smth about (and does!) when it comes to his kids is like a major point
#like one of the main#Idk if theme is the right word#but issues surrounding Batman in general and Gotham specifically#is the high standards he holds not just those closest to him to but also the people he controls#NOW DONT GET CAUGHT UP IN UR GUT REACTION CONTROL IS A STRONG WORD BUT IM USING IT FOR A REASON#like i think the fandomification of the batfamily and seeing every character as reliable in the way they tell their own stories#is making people forget that yes bruce lowkey controls them#like not in a mean way or whatever but as much as dick and Jason rebel and say ‘fuck you old man I have my own people to take care of’#at a snap of Bruce’s fingers where are they?#right back in Gotham#which ppl say is an issue with writing and I agree like they really just can’t take anyone away from Gotham#but THATS meta like the in universe conclusion is what creates in universe analysis#and these issues are being spoken about from an in universe pov#that was just me justifying my point anywayyyd#what im saying is that like#in conclusion Ppl are forgetting that Bruce is scary and still runs this shit lmao#like a few snappy quips about emotional distance and some ‘X deserves better’ fics is making yall forget shit like spyral#or at least how it went down and ended up today and what that says about the characters involved#it’s tragic and Ik we like to ignore that but like. when look at shit like the no killing rule#yes bruce thinks he’s being slighted or failing whenever his kids kill someone and they to an extent think that too which is why they don’t#do it#or at least partly#even for Jason that’s why the killing is not just what needs to be done it’s a form of rebellion for him#everyone who agrees jason should just leave Gotham but still present as pure rebellion and anger and spitting at Bruce don’t get why Jason#should leave is all I’m saying#that’s why Dick never got away#it’s still all about Bruce#even if we don’t want it to be#reading this back it’s disjointed as hell but I’m not fixing it if u get it ily heh just a peek into my dark mind#if u don’t it’s not ur fault not everyone can withstand the alphas prowess…
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hold on everyone shut up im getting super emotional about jonathan sims
#tma#kara stop blogging#thinking about the web. thinking about how it was his first mark#and how that mark how that unaddressed trauma so deeply affected him.#and how befitting that is for the web too- to tie someone up its strands for YEARS#thinkin about how almost every single decision that man makes is made out of fear#that motherfucker has never felt safe in his god damn life you can tell and im EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT#thinking about how so much of his fear response is CONTROL because of it. His ridiculous skepticism was him trying to control it#if he denies it if he refuses to believe in it it cant hurt him#about his paranoia and desperation for knowledge is so rooted in that fear of losing control#about his entire s4 arc and grappling with becoming inhuman. about not feeling like he has any kind of personal autonomy#and how so often thats written off as him making excuses (and dont get me wrong- he makes excuses too. im not saying he doesnt) but also-#like you look at what happened with his first leitner and its like. he couldnt move. couldnt do anything to escape#and then when the other boy got taken he couldnt do anything to save him either#of course he feels like hes never had any control#of course hes desperate for knowledge- if he had only *known* what couldve happened then he couldve prevented it.#the survivors guilt is so deeply part of his character#and thats what makes jonah targeting him so fucking insidious and scary#he took his man who is already so terrified- put him in a situation where he was so out of his depth#knowing that his fear response would be to desperately try and figure out what was happening- to keep asking questions--#pulling himself deeper into the eyes influence and easily turning it around and making it Jon's fault#as if Jon isn't trapped like everyone else- it's just his fear response is so fucking perfect for the role the eye needs him to play#and then it leads to the ultimate trauma of ripping control away from Jon and forcing him to do something so fucking horrible#something he would never in a million years CHOOSE TO DO#how he's so terrified of being made a pawn and he is. playing a game against elias where he couldn't even see the board#locking him out of his own body...forcing him to open the door. like. FUCK#I MEAN FUCK DUDE. PETER LITERALLY SAYS “HE GOT YOU” WHEN JON ASKED WHAT HIS 'PRIZE' WAS#LIKE SCRATCH THAT!!! FUCKING SCRATCH THAT!! he wasn't even a player he was a fucking PIECE in the game#GOD!!!#GOD!!!! free my boy he did nothing wrong (he did so many things wrong)
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Im cursing [REDACTED] right NOW
#god i better never have contact with this guy again or i might flip out on him#im about to ramble about my past “dating" adventures (we were casual but sheesh cant even be friends with this guy tbh)#im realizing months later how much this guy i used to talk to sucked#like DUDE be a better or stay single FOREVER (ΘдΘ)#and by that i mean learn how to better handle approaching others feelings!#god the way he would just shutdown others ppls feelings and it was just an endless loop of “that doesnt make sense” or “thats dumb”#sure emotions can be irrational but if someone is desperately TRYING to explain why they feel a way (even if theyre struggling to be clear)#maybe dont be so dismissive#like literally one time i was annoyed cause talking to him was grating on my nerves#and i was like ik it doesnt make sense so let me step away cause im annoyed#and hes like trying to logic me out of my annoyance???#like worstie im literally walking away so i can cool off#leave it be!#god looking back on all this....#i hope to god whoever hes talking to (if hes talking to anyone) isnt dealing with similar things#ppl can change so ill just hope for that#or maybe he'll meet his match#someone who reflects the same energy he has!#tho im not sure if hed like that haha#the guy seemed to have a lot of relationship problems in general (romantic and platonic) and i wanted to have the benefit of the doubt#but now im thinking maybe his personality was also just clashing with everyone elses#which isnt necessarily a bad thing on its own#gotta get context for everything u know#but in this case....naur#like im a pretty anxious person so how ppl i care about will react to what im doing or saying is constantly at the back of my mind!#so ppl who just come off as flippant about my fee fees annoy me fr#im like “ahh what if i upset so and so” constantly#trying to make sure not to make things harder for them#and they cant even spare me a single thought before doing something and dismiss me when i get upset#but also they wanna come to me when theyre feeling sad about something???
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me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!
#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid#i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule.#i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day.#i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!!#i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)!#I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!!#anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year#but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao#i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board#but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with#AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT.#like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it#that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it#i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG#it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing.#and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it.#gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane.#genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl#maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful#i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year#for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao#my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever#im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!!#suicide tw
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my character looks very condescending all. of. the. time (affectionate). but this part was truly the most sincere he looked in this whole game
#getting emotional in the middle of being pushed down by his vampire bf bc he rlly loves him so much#i have no refrence so idk if the other face models look as condescending lmao im just commenting on my own experiences#omg i haaate everyone on reddit. making me nervous for no reason 😑#i rlly loved the ending i got for this quest. like yeah nothing is ever gonna be perfect#but it rlly gave a feeling of making something out of a shitty situation and giving something to strive for and hold onto#omg the boss fight. rlly goes to show that misty step is the best spell in this game hdkfbfkfkfk#just misty step away from the middle to the stairs and hunger of hadar to the bottom of the stairs and no one will ever reach you ⚰️#also i had a scroll of sunbeam for shad0wheart so yeah. get absolutely cheesed cazad0r#one day i will do it with astari0n actually coming down to do the dialogue but in this playthrough as in my first ever#i had NOT picked spells for my characters that make it possible to resist the sleep spell and get to the other side before dying#now my dad and i are brainstorming how im gonna get through this fight against orin lmao
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god it really is so insane that grian has always kind of pushed away his teammates and preferred to do stuff on his own and then as soon as hes actually on his own he gets upset about it. that is so fucking him im gonna be sick
#obviously this isnt the real reason but its like. man after four seasons of causing misfortune and death for whoever's foolish enough to#team with him. maybe everyone's learned to stay clear of him#just a thought#also just. the hypocrisy and emotional unintelligence of it all. oh grian my favorite little emotionally stunted freak#looks like you might've pushed away everyone for good this time. isnt that what you wanted?#being alone isnt as fun as you thought it'd be huh?#also talking about the LL!Scar parallels. it is a little vindicating to see grian go thru a very similar thing after having been one of#the main people antagonizing scar when he was already down during last life#though grian's lucky that he hasnt experienced that cruelty as much. at least for now. hes just alone and joel was a little salty to him#scar was alone and everyone was so consistently awful for him. im so serious i truly believe scar's experience in LL was the worst#anyone's ever had it in this series. i havent watched everyone's povs so i cant say that for sure but like holy fuck dude.#ANYWAYS. just some of my thoughts smile#serena.txt
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girl help i'm physically unable to stop having thoughts about awakening
#da:a#dragon age awakening#shut up river#i have a whole sketch page with small comics coming up >:) get ready#but yeah MAN the brainworms are so real#obsessed with every aspect of it#my warden living in my head rent free as always but also the DYNAMICS with everyone#because this bitch is barely 23 by the time of awakening. commanding a bunch of people that are all about a decade older than him#NATHANIEL ESPECIALLY IM OBSESSED LIKE#this bitch thinks his dad got killed by the terminator. only to find out the guy that did it#the guy that killed the fucking ARCHDEMON#is some fucking CHILD? insane#to be fair orion is only one step away from being the terminator all things considered but you wouldnt know that at first glance fndjgdnf#Anders too. Of fucking course I have a million thoughts about anders#who would I be otherwise#but like. hes on his latest escape from the circle- finally in a relatively safe environment#but clearly still not completely trusting of anyone yet. Still using charm and jokes to deflect#probably thinking that that's the only thing keeping him in the commander's good graces as it was in the circle#Has no idea that said commander is married to the FOUNDER of Imposter syndrome-emotional deflection-flirty funnyman Club#took one long look at anders and was like hm. another one. Therapy time#im insane about awakening gang in general they are all so scrunkly to me
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i realised i never went clubbing w my friends all together before this point. just w random individuals etc
#i think when i drink i adopt a lot more neurotypical traits bc i become aware of every sensation#i also gain a lot more focus and energy. i also gain the ability to have a sense of direction (memorise maps in sweden on 2% battery)#and also i gain the ability to look people straight in the eye while i talk to them or hold them or kiss them#and i become extremely energetic and focused. people have called me a lot of beautiful things but never#something so incrompensibly simple and basic as he has. i ran away and told me friends to watch fot me. i realised#i never experienced this with all of them before. the boy with the beautiful long hair let his hair loose and allowed himself#enough to kill an army. he took off his hairband which he only does when he is drunk or vulnerable or emotional which are perhaps#the same thing or the opposite. over the credit limit by 50 and i do not regret it one bit. i can hear#the sound of trains (angels) in my ear. this place is silent and the other place is deafening#but not quite enough to make the ground shake. i hope you are well and that you have moved on.#my friends in a circle and their hair in the light. my friends saying anything dumb. i made him rice and he said thank you#i love you as a reality and hate you as a concept. a boy pulled me really closed and kissed me and i felt nothing.#i either feel nothing for boys or i feel more for everyone. one is greater than the other - you said we both do maths and we#admired you like a statue. thank you for letting me inside. thank you for your sanctity. whereabouts are you?#i told you i love being autistic and you said you love it too except it wasnt a joke and you arent one of us#you dance sober and you understand#sorry for letting you kiss me. i hate you for kissing me that night. me and the only one covering appreciation with your kind of fun.#102 bpm. 121 bpm. i counted precisely. i count the bpm of every song precisely. when im drunk i think about manifolds.#when i drink i think about your handwriting in eyeliner when you wrote something so true#i laughed as if it wasn't. 3202.08 deposited into your bank account minutes ago.#i want you to understand. i want you to understand. i want you to understand. i want you to understand how much i love you.#IM LISTENING!
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