#everyone in his stories take literal fucking decades in figuring out their attraction

[rain2bow2]

Charles fell for Crystal, who Edwin describes as "Difficult. Willful. Combative." and Charles says "Well, that sounds a lot like you, doesn't it?"

Speaks wonders about Charles' attraction and type of person, and how perhaps his feelings for Crystal were simply a manifestation of his repressed feelings for Edwin. He must have had "allowed" his feelings for Crystal to continue because she was a girl, therefore reflecting the abusive nature that he had experienced at home with his father, knowing that he couldn't be seen as gay or else he wasn't the "perfect" child that his father wanted, and also the 1980's attitude towards homosexual feelings at the time.

[ceph-the-ghost-writer]

Relationship History Tag Game

Tagged by @authoralexharvey! It was interesting to see a little bit of background on the cast of ASMLP's relationships (or their avoidance of them rather?). I'm sure it's manifesting in all sorts of fascinating ways during the actual story. Well, fascinating for the reader--Nadia, Etienne, and Simone might find it less entertaining.

Rules: briefly (or not) describe what kinds of intimate relationships (platonic, romantic, sexual, or otherwise) your MCs have had PRIOR TO THE BOOK STARTING. Have they had their hearts ripped out before jumping into your fluffy romance? Are they aro/ace and have never been in a long-term relationship before?

I did this for Isaac, Renato, and Dorian last time, so let's hear from Ben, Ollie, and Kinslayer next.

Ben

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up about how you could fill an encyclopedia with all the people he's slept with. But he puts just as much effort into platonic relationships as he does into screwing around. Of course he's close with Desmond, and not just because he's Ben's sire. Desmond was the role model he'd needed since his father and older brother died when he was still a kid (thanks WW I). Desmond showed him that a man could provide with more than just money. That he could fight not just for dominance or honor (whatever that is) or his own anger, but justice, love, and the protection of others. Hanging around Desmond also helped him figure out that he could check off "all of the above" when it came to which genders he was attracted to. That figurative encyclopedia started filling up pretty quick afterwards.

As for Theodore...look, they fight like cats and dogs, but Theo's all right (do not breathe a word of this, got it?). Ben wouldn't say the guy's like an older brother or anything. More like a rival. Micaela likes him anyway, and she's always had a knack for reading people.

Hell, probably because Micaela is good people. She gets a little gloomy sometimes, and maybe wanders off by herself for a decade or two, but she always goes out of her way to help everyone. She's also a crack shot with a rifle, and has a lot of guts in a quieter sort of way. He likes to just lay out by the lake with her sometimes and stare up at the stars.

Same goes with most everyone he lives with in Olympia. They drive him crazy sometimes, but that's kind of how it is with family, whether they're related by blood or not. Well, he is related to them by blood, only in the vampire way, not the--oh, hell, nevermind. You get what he means, right?

Ollie

You're going to make her say it, aren't you? Fine. She loved...loves...feels something for Renato. You don't survive an apocalypse with somebody and just stop caring when you're not dating anymore, okay? Even after you've been broken up for years and you're afraid he'll do something that'll force you to kill him.

Mergus is their father. For all intents and purposes, and through magic if not genetics. They quite literally owe him their lives. So, Renato can have his little rebellion, work out whatever shit he needs to work out, but if it comes down to the two of them...she knows who she'll choose.

As for other relationships, she keeps it simple, no strings attached. Why would she want to try for anything more after she found out she could be replaced by a fucking goldfish?

Kinslayer

They've lived a long, long, looong time, friends. So, for the sake of brevity, they're obviously not going to get around to naming everyone.

Haru gets first mention, though. They've known each other for...well, at least the better part of few hundred years, give or take. Things started out rocky, as they usually do for all their kind. But Kinslayer had grown patient enough over the centuries to not obliterate some scrappy little class three at the first annoyance. And Haru had the sense not just to realize that, but to be curious instead of mistake their disinterest in territorial pissing contests for weakness. Eventually, they took to traveling together sometimes, even settling down and having kids now and then. Haru is, in a nutshell, their partner.

While they haven't forged quite the same bonds with the other ragtag psychic vampire misfits who chose to trail along after them like ducklings at some point, Kinslayer doesn't mind them either. Well. Luxe can go piss up a rope most days. But once in awhile his mouth does come in handy for getting out of a scrape.

On the subject of their kin, if they were capable of regret, not living up to their moniker with Tristan Knox would be their biggest. But they're a mind reader, not a fortune teller. It took some time and doing, but they eventually corrected that misstep. Yessir.

Which brings them to an honorable mention for their little black sheep cousin, Renato. Despair and desperation aren't bravery maybe, but they'll do in a pinch. Kinslayer looks forward to finding out what havoc he'll cause next. And whether he'll figure out how to dig deep enough to find out what he's really made of.

No pressure tags @theimperiumchronicles @k--havok @vacantgodling @korblez @late-to-the-fandom @words-after-midnight & an open tag for anyone who wants to give this a go!

[baoshan-sanren]

Hi, I just finished SV and I Loved it! I have a question though that irks me and I'd love to hear you opinion on it. It's said in the novel that LBH knew no kindness except from his mother and then NYY & SY!SQQ. It seems to me a little like he fell in love with SY's kindness and not really with his personality. He didn't fall in love with NYY's kindness so it could also be an authority thing. My q is, do you think LBH would fall in love w any other Shizun who showed him the slightest kindness?

Okay bear with my nonsense here for a minute because, aside from making fun of everyone and everything, SVSSS is a pretty good study of what happens when reader expectations meet real situations and real flesh and blood people, and just how unrealistic most of them turn out to be. We see PIDW and LBH in SVSSS via mirror of only SY’s perception and his preconceived notions, but we’re also bound to only see SVSSS and SY via mirror of our own perception and with our own preconceived notions (and boy, do a lot of people miss that about SVSSS completely even though SY the judgmental reader and all his baggage are right there). How many chapters does it take for SY to admit that he hasn’t been really viewing LBH as his own person, but a fictional character he had only gotten to know through airplane’s bad writing? I remember how fucking frustrated I kept getting the first time I read SVSSS because SY kept that picture of LBH (the one we never met bc we never read 300+ chapters of airplane’s novel like SY did) firm in his mind despite all evidence that they were not the same person. Who is it that said “compared to the dullest human being actually walking about on the face of the earth and casting his shadow there, the most brilliantly drawn character in a novel is but a bag of bones?" SY’s whole issue with PIDW is that the novel sucked. That most of the characters were one-dimensional and unrealistic, and that even his own scum-villain character had no story/background that would justify his attitude or behavior towards LBH. We only get to see SJ as a person with a history, and grievances, and a boatload of unaddressed trauma because SY digs up and improves all those storylines that airplane had left out. But even knowing that, SY still keeps seeing LBH through the lens of his own preconceived notions, and keeps assigning him motivations that LBH clearly doesn’t have. So I guess my thing is, if it took SY nearly a decade of flesh and blood contact with LBH to figure out that all of his expectations were wrong and inaccurate, can we (the readers of SVSSS) ever view LBH accurately? 

Anyway, not to write an essay (too late) but I guess if I were to speculate on the subject via my own subjective interpretations, I would say that airplane wrote a pretty shitty stallion novel for $$ during which LBH fell for NYY for her “kindness” but right off the bat in SVSSS, we see that NYY does very little except managing to make LBH’s life harder. Still, despite being a character that solely consists of bouncy breasts and questionable life choices in PIDW, she does seem to harbor genuine affection for LBH, and PIDW LBH, who has not gotten affection since his adoptive mother passed, is likely to have latched on to any affection, no matter how destructive it turns out to be, for some self-preservation of his self-esteem and self-worth. Obviously not the healthiest way to obtain either, but hardly unexpected (and we see him doing the same thing with literally every female character in PIDW - Freud would have a field day with just a quarter of this novel). Again, we only know PIDW LBH through SY’s perception, and SY is clearly not the most objective witness, but I find it hard to believe that PIDW LBH ever truly loved any one of the 300+ women in his harem. There is no indication (in what we get from airplane’s writing) that he trusts any of them, and it even seems as if all the harem infighting served as a means to keep them from focusing too hard on LBH as anything other than a prize to be obtained. I mean clearly, PIDW was not meant to be that deep, and we don’t get to read it, so there’s no use speculating much. (I’m sure you noticed my theories are all psychology/trauma centric, which is my bread and butter, and subjective as fuck, so there’s half my point made).

As to whether I think LBH would fall in love with a different shizun who showed him kindness? If kindness is the only factor, I don’t think it’s likely. After all, the 300+ women in his harem in PIDW have all probably showed him some kindness at one time or another. In that respect, SY is certainly not special. There are theories about LBH not actually being sexually attracted to women in PIDW at all, extrapolating on the idea that a more supportive and loving environment during his development years has allowed him to grow up without repressing many things he has clearly repressed in PIDW, his sexuality included. That theory, I suppose, could support the idea that LBH could have just as easily fallen in love with a different man in his immediate vicinity who showed him kindness?

Idk how much I buy into any that; like I said, PIDW was never meant to be that deep, and SVSSS is just full of loose threads I love to yank on (always aware I’ll never see where they lead without an access to MXTX’s brain). I think we’re meant to view PIDW for what it is - a poorly written story for $$ with cardboard cutout characters that, once permeated with “real flesh and blood humans,” turns out to be nothing like the story that the reader (SY) expected to find. And since there’s the same degree of separation between PIDW and SVSSS, as there is between SVSSS and us (the readers), speculating on who LBH might attach himself to if SY was someone else, and how his story might go under any other circumstances, is bound to be as accurate as SY’s predictions concerning PIDW LBH, which turned out to be (as we clearly find out in SVSSS), inaccurate as fuck :)

[normal-thoughts-official]

what are your thoughts about izzy and alec’s sibling bond from the scenes we got from the show

i liked their relationship a lot, actually. which is not to say that it was flawless, but the flaws we got to see were honestly some of what made me the most interested in them. and then of course sh dropped it like a hot potato, but like... it was still pretty interesting to me

disclaimer that this is my own Abused Kid™ stuff projecting for sure, but i still think the way i see their relationship makes sense (or well, i'm not sure if i would say my parents were abusive, but they are quite a lot like the lightwoods in their own way and i definitely consider the lightwoods abusers, so it doesn't really matter that much). so like this will probably feature a fair amount of oversharing lol

anyway! so what i find really interesting and really like about alec and izzy's relationship is that despite the fact that them having abuser parents who honestly put them in very specific "kid who always fucks up" vs "kid who is expected to do everything perfect" roles, they managed to still be friends and on each other's side and have an overall very loving and supporting relationship. i think that's what attracted me to their sibling bond the most, because for decades me and my brother didn't really manage to be close or build a relationship precisely because of those roles. in our case, my brother was the fuckup kid, i was the kid who had to always be perfect (in my case, lowkey to "compensate" for him) and it led to him resenting me and being all but afraid of me because everything i did seemed to be so much better than him in my parent's eyes, so... yeah

so it always struck me as pretty interesting that alec and izzy seemed to be genuinely so close. izzy is one of the few people who gets alec to smile and who gets to ever touch alec, and although they have a lot of differences, it always came down way more to teasing than to actual fighting between them

but also - which is partially why i said that their flaws were part of what drew me to them the most - the tensions that emerged from that abusive background were very much there, and i found that pretty interesting

another disclaimer that i tend to relate to alec more, because i was in the same role as him, but also tend to be very forgiving towards izzy because i see my brother in her and i blame myself for our relationship way more than him since he was the weakest link there lol. but also in part i think i project unto her in the sense that i kept trying to make things easier to my brother, but i kept fucking up because i didn't fully understand his situation, and i definitely think that's what went on with izzy and alec

so let's get into the details of how the whole "fuckup kid" vs "golden kid" (and disclaimer before ppl come yell at me again: i'm not saying that alec was treated well by his parents or that they treated him like he was good enough, because they definitely didn't. i'm saying that when compared to izzy he was considered the kid that had potential, that could be trusted, and who had the most amount of pressure put unto. again, that was how i was treated by my parents, so miss me with the "wow you think alec had it easy?" shit because i know damn well he did not lol. the "golden kid" is an abuse archetype and therefore it means you are abused. calm down) thing affected their relationship in particular

so alec was the eldest, and i think from very early on he latched unto the expectations his parents had for him as a way to protect himself and make sense of the world. i was telling autistic alec anon just today how i think that the fact that shadowhunter culture was so black and white and gave alec such a clear sense of what he was supposed to do and who he was supposed to be kind of helped him navigate the world because it made it easier for him to figure out the path to follow when everything else was just so confusing and the expectations were so crushing and everything he felt was so complicated. i think alec's always known that he didn't conform, and because he didn't have a safe outlet to let that out, he decided to just go by the book to protect himself. which is valid

that being said, i think the other half of the reason why he decided to pursue the "perfect shadowhunter" existence so hard was exactly because of izzy (and later jace and max). because again, alec is the eldest, and he was already being crushed by expectations of upholding the lightwood name and following the rules and whatnot. like, maryse and robert basically expected their kids to undo all the shit they had done when they joined the circle, and they didn't even tell them that that was the reason, so they were probably just taught that they should do what the lightwoods said because and that was that. and because there were all these stakes that they didn't even understand or know about, the pressure was harder

and alec was already being taught to be a leader, and he loved his sister, so he probably wanted to shield her from all the pressure of those expectations, because he knew he was out there fucking killing himself for it. so i think part of the reason he tried so hard to be perfect was because, if he was perfect, izzy (and then jace and max) would get to breathe a little bit. alec is pretty self sacrificial and definitely has a tendency to shoulder suffering in the place of ppl he loves, so i don't think that's far fetched. also, we saw how alec literally shouldered all the blame for jace's fuckups, despite the fact that jace did it all behind alec's back and with alec telling him not to do it (i'm saying jace because from what i remember what got alec punished in particular was something that jace and clary did, not izzy, but izzy was definitely also going against whatever alec told her to and i have no doubt that he would shoulder the blame for her as well, although i don't think she would use that against him, unlike some people. but i digress). but alec just allowed himself to be punished for it like it was on him, so i think it makes sense to believe that alec tried to take the brunt of their parents' pressure so izzy wouldn't have to

and the thing is that i think that izzy... never realized that. i mean, i'm sure she realized that alec was trying way too hard to be what their parents expected of her, but she never realized that she was part of the reason. and she tried to get him to rebel a little bit because she thought that he needed it, and i mean, she was right, but what she didn't realize is that the fact that alec didn't rebel was so she could. not that izzy was not facing consequences for her rebelling, because we saw how maryse treated her versus how she treated alec and jace (it's very interesting to me also how once jace came into the picture he became an actual golden kid, not a "golden kid" like the abused kid who is put as impossibly better than the other one but still never good enough, but actually good enough, and how that was used to put alec in that position where he had to work even harder as well. but that's for another post)

and that's the frustrating part (and i think the part i relate to izzy for the most) because i think she was genuinely trying to help? but she never really understood alec. i was also talking earlier today (or was it yesterday? rip my time blindness but it was definitely recent) about how many people seem to understand alec's coming out story as an internalized homophobia story, and how i don't think that's how it was at all. i don't wanna repeat myself so if anyone's interested in that it's here. and the thing is, i think izzy made the same mistake. she falsely assumed that alec didn't rebel because he genuinely internalized that being gay was bad and because he was lying to himself about it, but that wasn't the case at all. alec knew he was gay and accepted that, he just decided to stay in the closet and live life that way. which obviously is horrible and traumatic, but it's different, and because izzy couldn't tell the difference, she made it worse

izzy kept trying to make alec "accept" himself, but alec didn't really have a problem accepting himself; he just wanted to keep that a secret to protect himself. but because she thought that he was in denial, she kept trying to push him to... not exactly admit because i wouldn't say she was all like "alec just say it you'll feel better" but to maybe "face" it, and alec interpreted that as her demanding that he came out of the closet, which he couldn't do. so he kept closing off and she kept interpreting that as him being in denial, so she kept pushing, and she made things infinitely worse for him even if i am 100% sure her intentions were good (just look at how protective she was of alec and magnus during the beginning of their relationship, or how she tried to get maryse and robert to marry her off instead of alec, or the difference between how clary and jace talked about it - "you're in love with jace"; "this is about your feelings" - and how izzy talked about it - "alec, it's okay") but as we say in brazil, hell is filled to the brim with good intentions

that is not to say that izzy didn't go on that straight shit from time to time ("we all got our things, don't we?" comes to mind, but i gotta say it really pisses me off how everyone talks about izzy being homophobic in that scene and completely ignores how openly racist alec was. like obviously both are fucked up, but yall clearly seem to think only one of these is a problem. but that's for another post) but i think that generally her intentions were always to get alec to be more comfortable with himself/happier. she noticed how much the lightwood's expectations were crushing him, but again, she didn't realize that alec was choosing to take the brunt of these. she didn't realize that he couldn't rebel like she did because of her. not until it was too late

i think izzy only started to realize that - particularly how much of her rebelling was only allowed because alec was there as a safe option so they couldn't afford to have a "fuckup child" even if obviously they still hated that they couldn't control izzy - when she tried to get the lightwoods to marry her instead of alec and they were like... lol? it's alec who's supposed to save the lightwood name, not you. you are worthless as a bride and as a peace offering

and that's when it hit her that alec was taking a role, a role that he had been effectively protecting her from having to take, but that also meant she couldn't help him

i think that's when she realized, because you can see the change in her behavior, you know - "you stood by me, so now i'm standing by you, big brother". she understood that alec was trying to protect her the same way she had tried to protect him and never realized, but that by trying to get alec to just stop without thinking about what the greater picture was for him, she was just making things harder for him. i think that was some very interesting growth we got to see

and on the other hand alec didn't realize that izzy had been trying to protect him as well. like i think that she definitely laid the whole "fuckup kid" thing too thick, which was partially for herself, like, basically embracing the role because she would never be good enough for the lightwoods so why not just accept that she was a fuckup and be everything they despised? but i think she also partially did it for alec, because she wanted to show him that it was okay. that there could be a life that wasn't just doing what your parents expected you to. and like, sure, she got treated like shit for it, and she faced some forms of abuse that alec didn't (mainly touch/affection withdrawal from what we got to see in the show, but also considerable more verbal degrading. again im not saying alec had it easy, especially because we know that the parts where maryse expressed "pride" over him were basically used to make him do what she wanted; but still, the difference in treatment is very clear), but she was still standing, so it was possible, see?

i don't even think this is something i had to defend a lot because she said it so many times? she was always telling alec that he could loosen up, that it was okay (she said the exact words "it's okay" many times). she had a kinda, idk, sassy attitude over it, generally treating it like a joke, but imo that was because she knew that if she talked about it in all seriousness alec would shut down, like he had many times. so i think by making it into a joke and playing the mindless "woo i don't care about anything" character she was trying to have that conversation in a more subtle way. at the very least, alec was amused

and i think a huge part of the fandom also misinterprets izzy as being exactly that shallow person who only thought about immediate gratification that she pretended to be but honestly i don't see that at all? throughout all of season 1, the single thing that drove izzy's character was her desire to protect alec, except for when she tried to save meliorn from him, which was like.... just the decent thing to do. and izzy is not a shallow character. she is not stupid. and she is not primarily driven by her own desires. that is not to say that izzy was never selfish (see: how she treated raphael, so much shit about sizzy), but she is not the kind of character who only does whatever the fuck she wants to because it sounds more fun that's jace and clary. most of the time, her primary motivation was to help alec or clary, aka people that she loves. i think that, like alec, she is the kind that only extends that protectiveness over the people closest to her and is not really the "helping everyone out" type, but she is also not completely self-absorbed like she pretended to be. and i don't think she even cared all that much about parties and whatnot. like when did we see her going to one on her own without it being a mission? when did we see izzy actually pursuing one night stands? that is not to say that these things are bad, but if izzy were that girl who only cares about sleeping around and having fun like she pretended to be, then one would think we would see her actually doing that instead of just performing that shallow mindless sexy girl stereotype?

and like look i know that she was written to be a sexy lamp or whatever but if the writers aren't gonna care enough about her to make that consistent and show her doing that beyond what she says i might as well go there and give her the depth that she deserves. especially because we got to see izzy talk about that so much. like her saying that one of the things that attracted her to raphael was that for once in her life it didn't feel like everything was all about sex. i find it appalling that people genuinely think that that's all she's about when she made it so clear that it bothered her. like imo izzy took on that role, again, to piss off her parents, and also because it was something that she was good at. she was good at being sexy and she got gratification and positive feedback over that, which she was obviously starved for since her own mother wouldn't even fucking hug her. it was the one thing she didn't fuck up at and that got her to feel like she was treasured, even if really she was just desired

not just that but izzy also consistently made hard choices for those she loved? like im not gonna say that izzy going to save meliorn from torture was anything less than the bare minimum but if she were that shallow self centered persona that only wanted to have fun and didn't care about the consequences she wouldn't have put so much on jeopardy to save them. or risk being deruned and losing everything so she could call the clave out on their bullshit. or break up with meliorn (someone we know she genuinely liked) so she could offer herself to be married off to someone in alec's place. the one thing that we know izzy would be miserable over, because that woman was not born to be no one's trophy wife. and she was fully ready and willing to throw her WHOLE life away for alec. that would be FOREVER. miss me with that "izzy is a shallow girl who only cares about herself and partying" shit

like to me it's very clear that that was a front (especially because the way she talked about it was SO over the top too, like, it sounded so fake. and when we got scenes of her talking to alec or to clary she was a wholly different person, way less confident, way softer. honestly izzy could have been such a great narrative about woc and hypersexualization and the traps of taking over that "femme fatale" role as a form of empowerment or whatever, but of course sh doesn't have the range for that) and i think that front was first and foremost for alec's sake. she was trying to break him out of the lightwood's brainwashing. what she didn't realize was that he wasn't brainwashed, he was making a choice between the very bad options that he had. and alec in turn didn't realize that izzy acted the way she did, in great part, for him, not for herself. i wouldn't say that alec bought that izzy was a shallow girl because we know how much he loves her and that he knows her better than anyone, but i think he also didn't realize she was trying to help/protect him

so it was such an interesting miscommunication issue and i would have loved to see that actually addressed and worked on, but alas. the most we ever got was them talking about being honest to each other about the yin fen. and izzy pretty much didn't get real plotlines or character development anyway daoijdaoij except for the absolute bullcrap that was the yin fen which i am not going to get into because it makes me so angry and i hate it so much

and then of course sh didn't really get into it and basically considered the problem solved once alec came out, which i mean, i guess does take that out of the way when it was the main miscommunication problem between them, but still, they should have had a talk and realized what a stupid dance they were both having and how they would have both benefitted from working together instead of in the name of each other. which is a frequent trope for alec in relationships anyway, too, so it could be a good introduction to these issues, but alas!

in short: i think both alec and izzy love each other very much, have each other's best interests at heart, but weren't really seeing each other as they were. and they both put a front for each other (izzy in particular) that made communication pretty much impossible. and they ended up not being very good for each other (particularly izzy for alec, but i think alec also made her feel alone and like he saw her as.. just some stupid girl, you know?), but i loved to see how these things were there simultaneously. the wanting to help each other and the effectively only making things worse. the love that was so present and so strong despite all of that. the way that they never became competitive or resented each other like kids who are raised with those dynamics usually get. i just love how there was so much going on and so many problems but still so much love between them. i really wished we got to see it actually get some sort of closure and more exploration, but. fuck me i guess

[wehatejulietsimms]

This is an Andy appreciation post. I’m re-listening to Vale because I never understood.

It has much religious imagery but it’s *more* than just metaphors and analogies.

There’s four views I’ve understood finally and maybe more.

I will not mention anything of the specifics BVB is fighting against in Vale because like I said, this is an appreciation post and I don’t want to bring up anything negative if I don’t have to make it a point. If anyone wants me to go further into detail about what specifically I feel is going on, just ask because my gut has a keen reception on lyrics and events.

1. Religious persecution:

To the unawakened folks or the ones that progressively sin in the name of God.

Fighting for equality that when people fuck up, it isn’t the death of them. Just the death of an ego and awakening into more self compassion.

2. Talking to the fans that are blind to reality

In many songs off Vale, Andy always talks about preaching but never fully being heard from the blind and innocent. He’s tired but he will keep fighting, because he wants to make an active change to the community in a way he can but feels weak from time to time, yet never giving up!

3. Ashley

When Ashley was outed publicly, Andy never dedicated this song to him but posted the lyrics with no caption when Ashley was accused. Throw the first stone.

4. Letter to self: acknowledging this is an end of a cycle. Hint: the album name and song lyrics.

Our Destiny is a big one. It’s not just a rock love song about trying to save a destiny between two people. It’s saving himself from his past “sins” “fuckups” and saying it’s not too late to heal, which it’s never too hate to heal from the past and present. I feel like it’s “hey, I’m going into ashes now but I’ve already made amends with it and I’ll rise again and again, however many times to make it out of mental and physical surroundings.” Also, I feel it was referencing Lost it All in a way, like most of his songs do, it’s a personal and universal message that there’s so much shit in life that will knock you down and you will heal while STILL in a hurt place physically. I really want to appreciate that truth that there’s a lot of healing that still is in the midst of pain. (Props to you, Andy!) Many abusive childhoods can resonate with that as well as being stuck in relationships/friendships/or generational curses including being in debt. (Which he mentions a lot in interviews) I really do think he’s gonna get out because he’s such a wise soul and nobody gives him props to healing, and being such a mature wise man even though he’s not at his highest or best surroundings. I mean, I don’t know any other artist that’s stuck in a shitty situation and is still uplifting, real, and promotes healing and is why so many BVB army members resonate with the music. I really respect he says that people heal themselves but use his music as a resonating device to heal, when fans say he’s their hero.

Andy has overcome addictions, has had to protect his life many times, has written so much uplifting and real wisdom from a dark place of mind or just straight up otherworldly strength and vulnerability which I admire because it’s beautiful and real, doesn’t have many real helpful people around him, has been a real role model by himself, is overcoming shame and lies & generation healing, he’s really had to rely on himself and I’m glad his band members really allow him to take control of the lyrics in such an inspiring way. Even though he’s still dealing and people pleasing to toxic people, remember everyone, people in abusive relationships and are trapped have to people please in order to stay alive and not get harmed. Many don’t understand that if they’ve never been abused. (They don’t need to understand, Andy! We see it) His perseverance is real and don’t judge someone for figuring out their own life. Sometimes freedom comes from music (even though other aspects from the rock industry contradict it). Let’s be supportive of him right now because he’s branching off into a new territory and finding out what’s working for him SAFELY. Yes, I don’t agree with a lot of what he says in his insecure moments in interviews and lies in his book/irl (gotta remember that’s a trauma brain response), but his music speaks in a way that is truth and can help many people going through many things and express it in a healthy way. Also I believe many fans live in denial about his life due to the fact that they’re probably living through it in their own life and can’t recognize it in another person. Or are attracted to his light but want nothing to do to help keep it alive as in tearing him down (secret haters). Anyways, I respect him for going above and beyond and it’s really admirable because like I said, nobody in the industry has ever done what he’s done. His art is perseverance.

5. He’s been a role model for so many hurting depressed people because they resonate to his own story and his strength is a catalyst for their own strength. I dislike when people deny he’s been living in trauma and overcoming many times in his life because that’s literally what this band was formed into. There’s so much evidence in his life and in the music. He’s had to take on a role for his (hurt & healing) self and it naturally became a safe space for BVB army to interact and resonate with him. He had to do that at 18/19 and if anyone’s that age or older, you know that age is just a child. I applaud him for being that young while having no parental guidance while creating something beautiful and divine, though I do empathize for his inner child. His albums are art that are darker, not evil, and is a place where children/adults who were rejected in any form can find solace in their own mind and thus can create healing. His words are moving and you have to applaud the man for keeping it together when people of all directions were hating on his every move and it was because he has such a big heart and everyone around him wants to keep him caged out of selfishness. Even when he had meltdowns and (not saying he couldn’t also be toxic because everyone has the capacity but meltdowns get overlooked because it’s a spur of the moment thing and everyone thinks it’s a violent episode but it’s due to triggers as well as not being sober) still wanted to show up for everyone including his own self that he knows himself to be, that he didn’t want to let rot. He’s really a strong soul and it gets overlooked a lot. He’s striving for betterment of himself for more than a decade (with so much persecution even in his own circle) and people keep wishing that “I hope he gets out” and this is how he’s helping himself for the moment until he can actually get out. So again, props to him. We’re proud of you, Andy! Keep going! We believe in you. Keep taking care of your overall being. Thanks for believing in us all of these years. Some of us even made it out of the hurt place we were in and are living happy, peaceful, healthy lives after trauma.

^^i literally almost teared up reading this. this is exactly why i love him so much (& what made me fall in love with him/BVB in the first place) you said everything perfectly. i honestly wish i could pin posts on here bc i really want this to be the first thing people read on the blog. as much as people think this blog is supposed to be outright hateful, (although it contradicts the name of the blog lol) i can assure you it's not. as fans we want the best for our favorite artists and when an artist has helped/continued to help you and so many other people out of dark places it sucks to see that through that they can't help themselves. i just want the best for him and for him to be 100% happy again. that's the purpose of this blog.

[gay-jesus-probably]

Bisexuality didn't "feel right" as a label because you're biphobic and will do anything to distance yourself from bisexuality. Get well soon, the bi community will be here when you're ready.

Are you the raging homophobe anon back for round two or a new guy? ...It doesn’t really matter, you people are all the same.

If you are the same anon, then now I’m extra pissed off at you because do you have any idea how difficult it is to make fun of your messages? You’re making this really hard for me. First you send a five word ask declaring me a homophobe with no details, and it took a lot of thinking to come up with a vaguely funny response to such a lackluster prompt. You’re a really bad improv partner.

And now you send me this shit. Sorry everybody, no jokes today, now I’m actually just fucking furious.

Let me tell you a story, anon. When I was an innocent little twelve year old back in the far of reaches of 2011, I first discovered Tumblr, and soon enough I was learning about different genders and sexualities, and began exploring my own identity. As you already know since you’re sarcastically quoting me talking about my own fucking feelings, I’d been having a minor sexuality crisis for several years at that point, since gay, straight and bisexual were the only label I’d known before then, and none of them fit me. Despite me trying all of them. Multiple times. You condescending piece of shit.All this was resolved by me stumbling across a post defining pansexuality, and that being the first and only sexual identity that’s ever actually felt right for me. It clicked instantly, and has continued to be my sexuality for literally a decade now.

But back when I first started entering the queer community, pansexuality was actually pretty controversial. So was bisexuality. The two were just lumped together actually, because according to the exclusionists back then, bi/pan people are attracted to the opposite sex, and therefor are basically just straight. Actually they rarely cared enough to bother differentiating between bisexual and pansexual people, they just lumped us all in together as a bunch of heteros pretending to be gay for attention and oppressing the real gays. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be gay for attention. So there I was, a twelve year old queer kid with a brand new identity, being welcomed by a bunch of exclusionists angrily yelling about how I was definitely just a hetero faking it for attention, and being pansexual was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

I didn’t do that.

Let’s jump forward a few years. I was older, and still perfectly confident in my identity as a pansexual. I hadn’t considered any other parts of my identity. Why would I? I just never really thought much about gender. Then shortly after my fourteenth birthday, I watched a short film online about a trans boy figuring out his identity and working up the courage to come out to his mother. I don’t remember what it was called or most of the details. All I remember was the last scene where the boy and his mother got into an argument about him not feminine enough, which ended with him screaming that he wasn’t a girl. And then I unexpectedly burst into tears because neither was I.

So that was a fun surprise. Once I pulled through that unexpected sobbing breakdown in the middle of the night and re-evaluated my entire life, I realized that yeah. I really wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t a boy either. Fortunately by then I knew that nonbinary people were a thing, so I had plenty of options. I spent awhile feeling things out and experimenting with different labels and pronouns before finally settling on agender and they/them pronouns. Which was great! I felt better than ever, and was confident that I had my identity down and everything would be fine. But everything was not fine. Because I’d been so happy about the biphobia dying down that I hadn’t quite noticed the exclusionists switching targets. Now the nonbinary people were lying. What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. The ones who wanted to medically transition were declared to actually be poor confused trans people who couldn’t get over their internalized transphobia to accept their True Identities. And the rest of us... well, we were just a bunch of cishet special snowflakes playing at being trans for attention, and oppressing the real trans people. I wasn’t agender. I was a cis girl making up fake identities for attention, and calling myself nonbinary was Wrong and Bad. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

I didn’t do that.

Step forward a few more years, now to eighteen year old me. There’s no dramatic revelations or long struggles this time, just a slow realization. Because I’d been single for years, and I wasn’t bothered by that. I actually enjoyed it. Marriage didn’t sound very appealing. Neither did dating. I’d dated people before, but I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to; it was just... the thing I was supposed to do. I found people attractive, sure. But I hadn’t wanted to flirt with anyone. Actually, now that I was thinking about it, had I ever felt romantically attracted to anyone? I didn’t even want romance in fiction! So I experimented. Went on some dates just in case age made it more appealing (it didn’t). Began calling myself aromantic, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the longer I used it, the better it felt. It was right.

But once again, the exclusionists were back and even angier than ever. Because now aphobia was in full swing. After all, asexuality wasn’t really queer. It’s just not having sex! It’s basically straight! What a bunch of special fucking snowflakes, pretending to be queer for attention. And the aromantics, oh the aromantics who weren’t asexual were even worse. Because everyone knows that love is what makes us human. How could someone not feel romance? Us aro people weren’t just lying about our identities, we were pretending to not have feelings so that we could get away with using people for sex without commitment. Being aro meant I was an abusive sex crazed monster taking advantage of all the poor innocent allo’s. I wasn’t aromantic. I was a sexual predator making up a fake identity to take advantage of people, and even though I wasn’t actually sleeping around calling myself aro was Bad and Wrong. But it was okay, because the exclusionists knew better than me. They knew how I really felt, and what my real identity was. They could fix me. I just had to agree with everything they said and become the person they decided I was supposed to be.

And I didn’t fucking do that.

Look. I’ve been here for a very long time, and I have dealt with so many versions of exclusionist bullshit. Every aspect of my identity has been met with random fucking strangers online smugly informing me that I was wrong about myself and they were right. And that’s just the ones that wanted me to pretend to be something else; about half of the exclusionists didn’t make any attempts at conversion therapy, and instead skipped straight to suicide baiting. I’m not even getting into the actual homophobes I’ve had to deal with, or the TERF’s that have come after me under the assumption that I’m a trans woman. My point is, I’m pretty fucking used to this sort of thing.

This just hurts a little more, because like I said earlier, the first round of exclusionism I faced was just expanded biphobia. And the bi/pan community banded together in the face of that. We weren’t the exact same identities, but we were being treated the same, and we were similar enough that nobody really minded the difference. It was wonderful. Bi and pan people were a tightly knit group, and that was a sense of community I desperately needed when I was young. I’ve been seeing this coming for awhile. There’s been increasing amounts of bi people getting drawn in by exclusionist bullshit, and I’ve seen anti-pansexual sentiment growing. I just... really hoped it wouldn’t get this far. It’s sad, y’know? It feels like losing an old friend. I’m really disappointed that you think trying to force people out of their community is right. It’s fucking pathetic, and I hope that someday you’ll rediscover basic compassion and realize how much damage you’re doing to yourself and others. This sort of thing doesn’t help the bisexual community. It drives people away. It’s like the damage that TERF’s have done to the lesbian community; this sort of thing poisons the whole well. I hope you re-evaluate what you’re doing and find a more healthy mindset.

...But also at the same time: Who the fuck do you think you are? Take your condescending bullshit and shove it directly up your ass you fucking waste of oxygen. How the fuck dare you. Do you realize the fucking audacity it takes to claim to know someone's identity better than they do? You self centered egotistical douchebag. Your parents should feel ashamed for having raised such an utter failure of a human being. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but I can already tell you beat off twice a day to how fucking clever you think you are. If you ever darken my inbox again you’d better be damn sure you keep it anonymous, because if I find you I’ll kick your fucking teeth in, you smug piece of shit.

[traincat]

What’s Peter’s natal chart look like?

An astrology ask! Fun! So the problem with doing a full natal chart for any long running comics character is, as with so many things, the sliding timescale. Even if we had a concrete everyone-agrees-upon canon birthday for Peter (which I don’t believe we do) his birth year would still slide as time went by and that would affect his chart. For Peter to have been a teenager in the early ‘60s like he was during his inception, he would’ve been born in the late ‘40s. However, we know Peter isn’t currently a 70-year-old man; he’s ~30. That would currently put his birth year in the late ‘80s, but it’ll move before long and soon Peter will be a ‘90s baby instead of a baby boomer. The outer planets are slow movers -- some of them can stay in the same sign for entire generations. One thing I think would be interesting to do, although it’s not what I’m gonna do today, would be to run a natal chart for the same comic book character through every decade of their publication history and to look at how the placement of the stars at the beginning of that decade corresponds to the shifts in their characterization or the events of their lives during that decade’s publication. So for example, to contrast the decade of Peter’s inception, the ‘60s, against his most commonly thought of “strongest decade”, the ‘80s, with what I believe is currently his weakest period of characterization to date, right now. 

There’s obviously then multiple ways to do a full natal chart for a character with this situation -- you can pick the birth year that suits your purposes best, whether it’s the year that character would have been born at their inception or the birth year that lines up with what their current age would be. I’m doing neither of those things -- my personal preferred way to do a full natal chart for a comic book character is to treat the date of their first published appearance as their birthday. This is, after all, the day they came out into the world, the first day anyone but their creator could meet them. That’s a birth, baby. So that makes Peter Parker’s “birthday” July 31, 1962. The cover date of Amazing Fantasy #15 is August, so I guess we could also go with August 1st, 1962, or August 10th, which I’ve also seen as the release date for Amazing Fantasy #15. I’m not gonna go down a google well trying to find the exact date and I think Peter feels like a July baby, so that’s what I’m doing. If someone knows better they can run their own. Now unfortunately for a completely accurate natal chart, we also need a birth time and a birth place as well as a birth date. You’re basically never going to get a birth time for a comic book character unless you find some canon detail where they go “and then I was born at exactly 7:37 PM” in some comic, but that’s okay -- a lot of people don’t know their exact time of birth either. We can still run charts for them. The formula I’ve been taught is to use 12 PM if the time is unknown, but the closer you can get for a real person, the better. You want the time of day, if not the hour, and if you can get the minute that’s the best. We’re gonna use 12 PM for Peter because he’s fictional, though. As for birth place, Peter’s lucky -- we’re going to use New York, New York both as the place of his creation, where Stan Lee and Steve Ditko came up with him, and as his most likely in-universe place of birth. So that gives us Peter appearing in the world at 12 PM on July 31st, 1962, in New York, New York. I usually use ASTROLABE to run full charts because they’re free and I like their formatting. Let’s go.

Here’s the breakdown we get from running that information: Peter would be Leo -- that’s his sun sign, which is what people mean when they refer to “their” sign -- with Libra rising and his moon also in Leo. This works for me -- I think Peter is without one single doubt a fire sign, and Leos are big flashy showoffs, which, look at that red and blue costume. Look at how he initially wanted to go into show biz. Look at how he’s remained in the spotlight of pop culture for decades. He’s a scene stealer, an attention grabber, the big ol’ MGM lion. A Libra rising would also make sense -- Peter’s got real charm and charisma, and Libras are famously charming. (And also good looking.) Your rising sign is how you’re perceived by others -- what they think when they look at you. Astrolabe describes this placement as “very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you” which like, does explain how the fuck Peter has friends. But with both moon and sun in Leo, that’s a very strong influence on him. (I’m a triple Scorpio, sun, moon, and rising, for example, which means when you look at me you think Scorpio and when I look inside myself I feel Scorpio and what am I actually? A fucking Scorpio.) Leo is a fixed sign -- there are three sign categories, and they are fixed, mutable, and cardinal. Fixed signs have a tendency to be stubborn and set in their ways, literally fixed, which -- everything about Peter.

Moving past the Big Three into the other planets, this lands us with a Peter with Mercury in Leo, Venus in Virgo, Mars in Gemini. These are all interesting; to simplify it, Mercury is how you think, Venus is how you love, and Mars is how you fight. So he’s also thinking like a Leo -- he’s got a big ego. He’s very “me me me” in his thought processes. Which, we know this is true for the character. He’s convinced he’s right and that his way is the best way. He’s stubborn and proud, and he doesn’t like being personally challenged on an intellectual level -- look at his interactions with Paul Stacy when he was in grad school. Astrolabe says Mercury in Leo “delights in being asked for your advice and counsel.” Peter is very much the person in his friend group that others go to for help and advice, so I would say this is true. I wouldn’t have necessarily put his Venus in Virgo myself -- Virgo is a hyper-critical sign, good at finding flaws, and Venus is how you love. However, the first line of Astrolabe’s description is I think an extremely good fit for how Peter loves: “You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes.” That’s love as devotion, and if you view Spider-Man as a love story not just between Peter and his romances but Peter and his city, that’s what he does. It’s selfless love and that’s what Spider-Man represents at his best. He’s always trying to fix, and he has a sense of service. Mars in Gemini is perfect. Gemini TALKS. It’s a sign commonly characterized by being hyper verbal, and Spider-Man is perhaps best known for his quips during fights. He’s got one vicious tongue. I’m personally very attached to the idea that Peter’s Mars is in Gemini, and it’s where I always tend to place it in my own estimations, even if I run a chart with a different date that places it elsewhere. My Mars is in Gemini and I know my own asshole argumentative tendencies when I see them in the wild. Astrolabe goes on to say, “You love to debate and argue, usually in a spirit of friendly disagreement. But watch out that you do not get too overly aggressive or antagonistic or others will be quick to take offense where none may have really been intended. You need to be in constant physical motion -- sports or daily exercise is a must for you if you are to feel fit and healthy.” I think this is all pretty spot on; we know that for Peter being Spider-Man isn’t only about the crimefighting -- he loves the physicality of it, which is a pretty good reflection of this sentiment.

Jupiter in Pisces: “You are at your best when you give of yourself and what you have -- try to avoid being a martyr about it, though. You're a true idealist, but you must learn not to be upset when life does not cooperate with the way you think things should be.” Again, that’s pretty accurate. Now though as we move through the outer planets we’re going to hit things that are generational instead of strictly personal. I think they still make for interesting character dissection, but everyone who was born around this time is going to have these things in their chart because the outer planets have much slower rotations. Saturn in Aquarius, Uranus in Leo, Neptune in Scorpio, Pluto in Virgo. One thing that’s interesting here is he’s pretty balanced in terms of the elements -- lot of fire, but also some earth, water, and air. The air influence is BIG, too, with his Rising, Mars, and Saturn, which makes sense -- Peter’s a literal aerialist.

Now if we wanted to go really in depth -- and I’m not going to because this is already long -- we would look at his chart on the whole, the placements of the planets within houses, conjunctions within planets, whether anything was retrograde, and then factor that into how we view his chart as a whole. But even just looking over the basics, I think this is a pretty good reflection and summation of who Peter Parker is as a person in his own universe and as a popular figure in the pop culture landscape. 

[childotkw]

I would definitely like to hear your thoughts about Shikamaru as a contender! I'm so excited about this story that I would honestly read anything in relation to it lol. Also, can I ask why you chose Gold Dust as the title? I'm curious as to how it relates to the story. I hope you have a great day!!

Oof, this is gonna be a long one - because I freaking love Shikamaru. He’s honestly one of my favourite characters from any book/show/movie/anime. But I’ll get to him in a moment.

The reason I picked ‘Gold Dust’ as the title is because its literal definition is fine particles of gold. Which, obvious, I know. But a more informal use for it is to describe something that is difficult to find or obtain. It means something has value because so many people want it. And I think that is an incredibly on-point way to describe Naruto as a character. He is incredibly valuable, both on a personal level to so many people, but also on a political one. As a jinchuuriki, he is rare. And highly desirable for the power he wields. 

It also has a very poetic ring to it, because for so long Naruto felt worthless, when in reality he is priceless. And this will be one of the overarching themes in Gold Dust. Naruto discovering her worth.

Now, onto my boy, my shadow son, and his relationship with Naruto.

–

Shikamaru and Naruto appeal to me primarily because, on a surface level, they are complete opposites.

One is strong of mind, the other strong of body. One is dark and analytical, the other bright and spontaneous. One is calm and laidback, the other ferocious and energetic. These differences alone make them an attractive pair.

But what’s even better about them is their similarities.

Because Naruto is his own brand of genius, and Shikamaru is one of the strongest in Konoha, and not just due to his intellect. Naruto has flashes of brilliance that are absolutely devastating to his enemies, and Shikamaru, physically, is deceptively lethal.

Naruto is a fantastic tactician, can read a situation in a moment and come up with a successful plan to counter; just as Shikamaru can be impulsive and reckless, disregarding crucial things when he is emotional.

Naruto is a calm port to many of his friends, a safe harbour for them to shelter at when the storms come; and Shikamaru sometimes enjoys the strain on his body when he pushes himself to the brink when training.

They are opposite enough to complement each other, but similar enough to compromise. And that’s important.

But, perhaps even better, their relationship is grounded in trust and respect. There is not one person Shikamaru admires more than Naruto – he views him as the fucking sun of his life for goodness’ sake. And there is no one Naruto would rather turn to for help than Shikamaru, when he needs it.

Shikamaru trusts that Naruto can handle whatever he throws him at, knows in his bones that Naruto will pull through and do what is needed of him. Just as Naruto trusts Shikamaru to have a plan that will work, knows in his heart that if Shikamaru asks him to leap off a cliff he will with no hesitation, because it’s for a good reason.

They know the other will catch them, help them, stand at their back and support them through whatever challenge they face. There is a reason Shikamaru was Naruto’s choice as advisor, because, truly, who else would he pick?

There’s a softness between them that doesn’t exist in any other relationship. Not with Sasuke, who for so long was all burnt bonds and brittle word. Not with Neji, who spent years drowning in his self-loathing, and latched onto the first person that offered him a promise of freedom with reverence. Not Kakashi, who for all he tried, was always just a second, minute, hour, decade too late to make much difference.

It was always going to be Shikamaru, who respected Naruto from the start, and was respected in return. Shikamaru, who looked at this blond boy shouting from the rooftops that ‘I’m going to be Hokage one day!’ and went ‘Well, gotta make sure he lives past his first month in office. Guess that’s my life planned out.’

–

For Gold Dust, I can see Shikamaru taking one look at Naruto, with hair like sunlight and eyes as blue as the sky, with bared teeth and a dangerous smile, with something thrumming in the air around her - and being gone.

Because Shikamaru needs something to occupy his thoughts while he’s ignoring the teachers. He needs stimulation, and Naruto is the best thing he’s ever come across.

Because she’s a walking contradiction. She’s desperate for attention – any attention – yet is capable of staying silent and still for long stretches of time, avoiding eye contact, and making herself small. She’s confrontational, physical, scares most of the other girls whenever they have spars - and yet she can close off from barbed words or insults. She has the largest chakra reserves he’s ever felt, yet she has trouble with such basic techniques. She can mould chakra and walk up walls, yet the teachers claims she has abysmal control.

And then there’s the way she’s treated by everyone. The whispers, the scornful looks, the fear.

Shikamaru had thought the academy would be boring, but ever since Naruto had trotted into his classroom, messy hair and sharp blue eyes scanning the room for exits – he hasn’t had a moment of peace. He just needed to figure her out, and then maybe he could take his damn nap.

Suppose it was only inevitable that along the way he would fall in love with the most frustrating, fascinating, powerful woman in the bloody Elemental Countries.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Magnolia

I don’t know much about Magnolia or Paul Thomas Anderson, but I do know that it takes someone paying me to get me to watch a 3-hr+ drama that doesn’t star Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and a really big boat. This is one of my mom’s favorite movies which is why she requested it for me to review. It’s packed with a balls-to-the-wall star-studded cast (Tom Cruise! Julianne Moore! Phillip Seymour Hoffman! John C. Reilly! William H. Macy! Felicity Huffman!) and I’m genuinely excited to see how they all fit together. Cause they have to all fit together in some coherent way, right? Well...

Do you remember in Sorry to Bother You when the Equisapiens came out and things just took like...a real turn? That’s kind of what this was like. Whereas StBY pushed a thought to its most extreme, but logical, conclusion, what Paul Thomas Anderson has done here feels like a magician doing a lot of impressive illusions - sawing a lady in half, making a motorcycle disappear, pulling smaller things out of bigger things - and then for his final trick, walking onstage amidst a grand plume of smoke, dropping his pants, taking a gigantic shit, and then saying, “You’ve been a great audience, thanks a lot and goodnight!” It’s not like you can say the experience was BAD. Everything up to the finale was a really great time! But when you’re left on a note that is that bafflingly odd, it kinda colors the way you’ll remember the whole thing.

Magnolia is the story of one long day in the life of 12 people living in Los Angeles who are all connected via an extensive web from acquaintances to married couples to parents and children to paid caregivers and beyond. It’s a day that has the same kind of ups and downs as any other day until it, well, turns into something else entirely. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but if you want to know more, spoilers will be spoiled below.

Some thoughts:

Patton Oswalt cameo! I am a massive fan and thought I knew his whole filmography and OMG how did I not know that he was in this!!

Ok, in spite of my skepticism this entire opening sequence about coincidence had me hooked IMMEDIATELY. Like, this is some damn good storytelling, if this were a novel, I would not be able to put it down - that pull, that’s what it feels like.

Am I the only person whose encyclopedic memory of character actors/roles gets distracted when they see someone from something that is wildly disparate compared to the role you’re currently watching? For example, I had to pause the movie and confirm via IMDB that I did just see Professor Sprout from HP scream “Shut the fuck up!” at her husband while brandishing a shotgun.

Would people really recognize a grown ass man from being a successful child game show contestant? I’ll tell you the answer, no they wouldn’t, because no one realizes that Peter Billingsley (aka Ralphie from A Christmas Story) is the head of the elf production line in Elf.

I knew this was a stacked cast, but holy SHIT this is a stacked cast. If I had $1 for every fantastic character actor I recognize in this, I would have at least $37, and these are people in the film who have maybe 2-3 lines each. It’s a deep bench is what I’m saying.

This makes me miss Phillip Seymour Hoffman so, so very much.

Watching PSH care for and be so compassionate and gentle with his hospice patient, Earl (Jason Robards),makes my heart ache terribly. All of the people who have been unable to perform this kindness, this type of compassionate care for their closest loved ones as they lie dying in isolation of Covid...it’s overwhelming.

OMG I’m counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Very Good Dogs in the old man’s house!

I know Scientology is evil and he’s undeniably a complicated and morally grey person. I know all that. But goddamn I just love watching Tom Cruise COMMIT. Particularly when he commits to just absolute fucking sleazebag slimeballs. And boy oh boy is Frank Mackey an absolute fucking sleazebag slimeball.

Related - I know Frank looks like Tom Cruise, so he could get people to sleep with him no matter what, but I honestly feel like as a human being, this flesh suit is WAY more attractive balding and fat in Tropic Thunder than he is in this shiny brown shirt/leather vest/long hair combo.

I’m getting an uncomfortable vibe about these black characters being written by an artsy white dude, because I don’t know any young black kids who want to hang around with cops and offer up information about who committed a murder in their building. In fact, the way all of the black characters are treated in this film - as liars, criminals, the disingenuous “main stream media,” and thieves - feels rooted in some racist ass bullshit. We see a lot of nuance in our white characters, but even in a film that has, shockingly, more than one key black role, we don’t get that spectrum or nuance.

There is nothing I would love more than to learn that Frank Mackey is 1) gay 2) impotent or 3) both. He’s so disgustingly over-the-top misogynistic, it honestly feels like it should all be a complete act.

I confess I am on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how all these narrative threads tie together. It’s compelling as hell, even though half the time I don’t know why these people are having these long, meandering conversations. The pacing feels so deliberate, like a puzzle coming together. There’s real craftsmanship in how every scene is plotted to feel connected rather than manic or disjointed.

This pharmacist is being unprofessional as hell. Judgy McJudgerson, mind your fucking business, Julianne Moore’s father is dying! [ETA: ope, that’s embarrassing, Earl is actually her husband.]

NO THE DOG IS EATING THE PILLS OH NO VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE DOG.

I think I knew this, but this soundtrack is fantastic. All Aimee Mann and Supertramp, and Jon Brion’s score is this thrumming, anxious thing full of strings that underscore all these nervous conversations, and then it shifts into these low, mournful horns when things start to take a turn and everyone is reaching their lowest points.

I love this interviewer (April Grace) who is taking Frank (Tom Cruise) to task. I think it’s particularly noteworthy that she is a black woman, because the kind of misogyny Frank peddles is rooted in white supremacy.

Stanley (Jeremy Blackman) is breaking my goddamn heart here. I think he and Phil (PSH) are my favorite characters.

Jim (John C Reilly) is the perfect example of how even a cop with the best intentions, with absolute kindness and love is in heart, is abusing his power and sexually harassing a woman he encountered in the line of duty, who is eager to appease him because she doesn’t want to be charged with a crime. This movie reads a LOT differently than it did in 1999.

I normally really love Julianne Moore, but she is a screeching mess in this. I can’t stop staring at her mouth and all the contortions it makes as she delivers every line in hysterics. She’s one of the few weak spots for me here.

Listening to Frank go on his whole diatribe about what society does to little boys to break them and victimize them HAS to be the source of where Keith Raniere got at least half of his NXIVM bullshit. Like, some of these points are word-for-word.

Also if Frank makes as much money as he seems to, there’s no way he would drive a shitty Saturn sedan.

It feels like the common thread of this movie is everyone is terrible and cheats on their spouses, and you should come clean when you get cancer so you can die peacefully. Weird moral, but ok.

If Jim is a cop, how does he not see that this woman he’s interested in (Melora Walters) is coked out of her mind?

Y’know for being a quiz kid, Donnie (William H. Macy) sure is kinda stupid.

I confess I’m not taking many notes throughout this because I’m just kind of sitting breathlessly still watching all these conversations unfold because I am on the edge of my fucking seat to find out how all this is gonna come together.

Secret MVP of this movie is the mom from A Christmas Story (Melinda Dillon) who is giving the performance of her goddamn life as Jimmy Gator’s wife.

Did I Cry? On the surface it appears ridiculous, but when Tom Cruise is having his breakdown at his dying father’s bedside, I admit, that really got me. If you’ve ever been faced with that kind of hysterical, I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening, it feels like the whole world is ending kind of shock and hurt and anger, that’s what the crying looks like.

Are those......frogs?? That landed on Jim’s car? It’s raining fucking frogs???? OK for those of you sensitive to frog harm, this movie is going to take a real hard left turn for you, because I swear that came out of NOWHERE.

Um.

What.

Pray tell.

The fuck.

The climax of this movie - is when literal frogs rain from the sky.

And we finally got resolution about the dog, and the dog DID die, and I’m pissed about it. It’s offscreen but still.

I'm sorry - I know I’m fixating. But how is it possible that I knew about all the characters performing a sing-along to Aimee Mann’s (excellent) song “Wise Up” but I did NOT know that the climax of the film involves literally thousands of frogs falling to their death from the sky? How is that something that escapes entry into the cultural zeitgeist? I’m with it, you guys. I have been Very Online for over a decade, and before that, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly, and like it just seems that this is something that pop culture really should have told me.

I think the funniest moment of this movie might be the credits in which I discovered that not only is Luis Guzman playing a man named Luis, he’s actually playing himself. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop laughing about it. That was a 189-minute setup to one dumb punchline.

I think I loved this movie but I don’t quite know. The frog thing really threw me. What I’m taking away from it is that even when it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it, we are all connected to each other, always, in ways we can’t see or know. As Wife astutely pointed out, it’s reminiscent of the pandemic - we’re all in the same storm, but we each have our own boats and our own experiences within that storm. And it’s kind of nice to remember that right now, that connection still exists even when it feels so far away. Just not if you’re a frog I guess, cause they really got the short end of the stick here.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[thatfanficstuff]

Though she be but little...

Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader

Warnings: language (you should really expect that by now) um...beatdown of an asshole.

A/N: This was a quick little idea that turned into 2000+ words. My first time writing Frank and I did it from his POV. Hope I did him justice. 

***

The first thing Frank noticed about you was your size. You were tiny. There really was no other word for it. Of course, he wasn’t exactly a small man so you just looked that much littler in comparison. Some guy had been hitting on you at a bar where Frank had stopped to have a drink with Curtis. You just ignored the jackass no matter how persistent he was, but Frank’s protective instincts kicked into overdrive. Almost before he realized what he was doing, he was by your side and showing the asshole the door.

When he returned, he found you and a beer waiting at the table with Curtis. You smiled as your gaze fell on him and his heart sped. Just a little. Enough to remind him that he still had one. His steps faltered slightly but he recovered quickly. The two men fell into easy conversation with you. You were smart with a bright personality and a quick laugh. It was fair to say that Frank was smitten well before he walked you home that night.

The more time he spent with you, the more he found to admire. You owned your own business, though you just called it the shop, so Frank wasn’t sure what exactly you sold but he knew you worked hard and never complained about the time you put in. And when he’d found the courage last week to confess his real identity, you’d simply looked at him and said, “I know.”

Apparently, you’d known since the night you met him, but figured it was his secret to keep. And you’d still spent time with him and let him into your life despite knowing what he had done. You also seemed to understand him in a way that others did not. Unfortunately, he’d also discovered that you had some skills as a makeshift medic. When he’d asked you where you’d learned to make such clean sutures you’d simply smiled and said, “Around.”

The memory had the corner of his mouth curling up in a smirk as he sat in the dark. He was waiting along the path you took home from work. You liked to keep your secrets and Frank had heard for the first time yesterday about the asshole that kept giving you shit on your walk home. He’d offered to walk you home on multiple occasions but you always turned him down. He scratched the back of his head as his smile slipped away.

There was something you were hiding from him and he was determined to discover it. You had let enough slip in the story last night that he knew the guy would come out to have a cigarette anytime you walked past the bar across the street. Frank had been in place for an hour, waiting for you to walk by so he could see this guy for himself and take care of him later.

Then he spotted you, that stride unmistakable. Sure enough, as you walked past the bar, a guy came outside and called after you. “Hey, sweetheart. Why are you always in such a hurry?”

Frank rolled his eyes. He was ready for you to disappear around the corner of your next turn so he could have a talk with this guy. His brows shot up when you came to a stop and turned to face the moron. “You really want to know why I’m always in a hurry?”

Frank stood on the fire escape he’d been watching from and gripped the rail in front of him. What the hell were you doing? Were you trying to get yourself hurt? His knuckles turned white from the strength of his grip.

“See, I knew you’d talk to me eventually,” the douchebag said, putting his arms out to the side while he leaned back. As if he had anything worth putting on display. Frank’s eyes stayed glued to the idiot, reading his body language. Ready to intercede if he caught even a whisper of a threat.

You tilted your head as you stared the man down. “I hurry past here because of you. Because every time I pass by here you have a comment to make. I don’t know you so what would make you think that I enjoy you calling me baby or sweetheart or doll?”

“Well, it’s not like you ever told me your name.” He took a step toward you.

Frank couldn’t wait any longer. He started down the stairs on the fire escape doing his best to keep you in sight as he went. He could no longer hear what was being said, but he did see the guy grab your arm and Frank picked up his pace. When his feet hit the pavement, he slid to a stop. With wide eyes he watched you bring a baton down on the man’s arm. He hadn’t even noticed you carrying the weapon.

The ass howled in pain and released his hold on you. Before he could retaliate, or even get a word of complaint out, you brought his head down to meet your knee then hit him across the back with the baton. Another punch followed by another kick and Frank was pretty sure the guy was down for the count. “What the fuck was that?”

The words came out louder than he’d meant for them to and your head jerked up. You sighed as you collapsed the baton and slipped it into your jacket pocket. “Hello, Frank.” You moved toward him and he covered the space between you in several long strides. You kept your arms crossed over your chest and your gaze averted. He didn’t like the change in your usual confident demeanor.

“What the hell, Y/N?” he hissed.

“Come on,” you said with a jerk of your head and started back the way you’d come. “We might as well get this over with.” Frank fell into step beside you. He gazed at you several times, but the two of you were silent as you walked. You’d gone several blocks before you stopped in front of a building and placed your hand on the door.

Frank stepped back to look up at the sign. The Body Shop. His brow furrowed as he looked into the brightly lit building. It looked like a gym. You opened the door and motioned for him to step inside. You came in behind him. Frank was in awe as he took in the room around him. The building was large and had obviously been converted into a gym from something else.

You brushed by him. “You can lose the hood. No one in here cares.”

His brow furrowed as he looked down at you. How could you possibly know that? But he trusted you and he hated wearing the damn hood all the time. He pushed it back and tore his gaze from you. A couple of guys were sparring in the boxing ring in the corner. Others worked on punching bags or equipment scattered around the room. This wasn’t a trendy state of the art facility. No, this was one of those places that had been around for decades. Where people were family and came in as much for the company as the workout.

He turned to ask you what this place was to you when some pictures on the wall behind you caught his eye. You sighed as he moved past you to get a closer look. He didn’t have to look hard to see they were pictures from a deployment. Or multiple deployments if the change of scenery in the background was anything to go by. He’d been in enough of them to know one at a glance. What struck him about the photos is most of them had one figure that was so much smaller than the rest. “This is you.” It wasn’t a question but he wanted an answer just the same. You’d known each other for months and you’d never mentioned this place. And you’d certainly never mentioned serving.

“Yeah. Marines.” Your voice was quiet but proud.

He turned to face you and you met his gaze this time. The look in your eye was one he hadn’t seen before. You appeared almost…resigned. “And this place?”

The corner of your mouth curled up in a half-smile. “This is the shop.”

His eyes went wide. “This is the shop you own?”

“Yeah. Dad bought a garage that went under cheap and turned it into this. I grew up here. Boxed in that ring. Learned some dirty tricks from a couple of unsavory characters that my dad played poker with on Thursday nights.” You walked over and tapped one of the pictures. You were smiling in it, but it didn’t reach your eyes. No, you looked scared even if you were surrounded by your squad. “This was my last deployment. Bullet ripped through the muscle in my thigh. Time came up while I was in rehab. Decided it was a good time to get out.”

You perched on the edge of a desk that was probably yours. “Came home and helped dad with this place. Vets doing rehab get free access.” You gestured to the other side of the room. He turned and realized two of the men he’d thought were friends earlier were actually a trainer and a client, the latter of the two visibly scarred.

Frank was stunned that you had kept all this from him. He’d told you his biggest secrets and, if he were honest, it hurt a bit that you didn’t trust him enough to do the same. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

You shrugged. “Because I like you.”

He scratched his head. “Come again?”

You sighed and rubbed your palms along your thighs. “I attract a certain type of guy, Frank. I always have. I’m little. Guys think I need protection and they like that. It makes them feel manlier, I guess. I don’t know. What I do know is everyone I have ever dated has found a reason to leave when they realized I could take care of myself. That was never the reason they gave me, of course, but that didn’t make it any less true.”

Frank scoffed. “And you think I’d do that? I thought you knew me better than that.”

“I literally met you when you rescued me from an asshole. You protect. You get justice. That is who you are. And I get it, you know?” You scraped your shoe along the floor and focused your gaze on the movement. “I just…I really like you, Frank. If it meant I got to keep you, I was okay playing damsel in distress.”

The sorrow in your voice superseded any hurt he felt in the situation. You hadn’t intended to hurt him. You’d simply wanted him to stick around. He stepped forward and placed his hand under your chin to lift your face. Tears shone in your eyes and tugged at his heart. Leaning forward, he kissed your forehead before pulling you against his chest.

“Sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m sorry a bunch of assholes made you feel that you couldn’t be your badass self around me.”

Your body shook as you laughed and he smiled in response. He leaned back and put his hands on your upper arms. He glanced around the building. “This place, this you, is cool as fuck. Given my past, I’m thrilled that you can protect yourself when I’m not around. You were amazing before and as far as I’m concerned, this just makes you fucking perfect.”

You blinked at him in stunned silence. “You’re not going to leave?”

Now it was his turn to laugh and he moved his hands up to cup your face. “Sweetheart, you’re never getting rid of me now.” And when he kissed you, he knew it was true. You’d been made for him and in his arms, in the middle of this gym, surrounded by your friends and pictures of your past was right where the two of you were meant to be.

[tapewormking]

Meta: Redemption Arc

@versaphile said I should post this here, so here’s my version of a retconned redemption arc for Farouk. Not like, changing anything, but trying to jam canon into a version where his arc makes sense to end that way. Under a cut because it’s LONG.

so, circa s1, Farouk is still seeing all of this as revenge. He's already developed feelings for David, but he hasn't realized that he does, probably because part of him knows that would be fucked up and he doesn't want to think of himself as the kind of person with deep-seated issues. He's torturing David, and that's fine because he sees David as The Enemy.

He even thinks that if David causes him too much trouble, he'll just wipe out his consciousness. That's fine, right? Keeping him around is too much work, and love is a fungus, and Farouk is a sane healthy person who is 100% fungus free. And then David succeeds in kicking Farouk out of his body, which Farouk sees as a personal rejection rather than like, David not wanting to be tortured anymore. Because in Farouk's world, everything is always All About Himself.

So he runs off in Oliver's body . . . aaaand then David vanishes.

David is gone. D3 can't find him, Farouk can't find him, he's never not been able to find someone before.

Div 3 is starting to talk like David might be dead. But that's not possible, because Farouk isn't done with him yet. The story can't end this way. Farouk doesn't have closure. Farouk is in pain, Farouk is grieving, and all of this is Not Normal for him, he has literally never had to grieve someone before. He does not have a framework for this.

And that's when it dawns on him that he DOES feel something like empathy for David, that maybe he doesn't want to be just David's captor, he wants to take care of him, he wants to protect him. He doesn't have a great idea of what it means to treat someone well, and his care for David is still in a very patronizing "I should take care of David, because I'm better than him" place. But it’s there, he’s feeling something.

And then David comes back, and he gets a second chance. Better yet, David suddenly wants to work with him. How great is that? But Farouk keeps needling him. He likes to see David dance, likes to watch his reactions.

And then he kills Amy. It seemed like the right thing to do. It made sense, because he has spent thirty years torturing David. Because for decades, the only sense of control he had over his own life was making David suffer. And now that he's decided that he loves David - those instincts, those ingrained habits, don't just go away. And unlike David, he has no framework for questioning the rationality of his own thoughts.

David has spent his entire life second-guessing his every belief and instinct. But Farouk? he just assumes all of his thoughts are rational and accurate. He does not know how to recognize it or question it now that the delusion egg has hatched in his head.

And then DavId is furious at him, and Farouk absolutely does not understand why David won't just let this one slide. After all, it's only what he's been doing all this time, isn't it? And Amy is nothing to Farouk. He cares about David, but he doesn't understand why David would care about other people, who, as far as Farouk is concerned, might as well be characters he invented for his own amusement.

So now David's not talking to him, so it's time to call up David's GF and see what's up with all of this. 

He talks to future Syd, and the version of the future she shows him is - shocking. Navid and Noah talk a big game about how every villain sees himself as the hero - but Farouk doesn't, not really. He doesn't think he's a bad person, per se, but he is very aware that everyone sees him as the villain. He does not understand his own culpability, but he understands that the role of "villain" is played by someone like him. But here is Syd telling him that David - sweet, innocent David, who he loves, who always cares about the little people even though "the little people" are just insects compared to Farouk - is the bad guy, and he, Farouk, the Shadow King, has a chance to save the world.

He thinks that's great, it flatters his ego, it's funny, and also some part of him does want to be the hero. He wants to believe that he is a good person and he deserves to be loved.

But he also loves David, and he doesn't like the idea of David becoming a monster. It's attractive, but it's also frightening and saddening, to think of David losing all of those things, those strange soft feelings, that make him so different from Farouk.

And maybe, just maybe, he knows it's his fault that this is going to happen. Maybe he realizes that he has taken something he loves and hollowed it out and made it into a shadow of himself. And that if that process is allowed to continue, there will be nothing left of what he loves. Because of him. 

So he goes to get his body back. He plots with future Syd. He meets with Present Syd in the labyrinth and tries to convince her of the danger. Because he's Farouk, he does it in a manipulative way, trying to put Syd under his sway with his words and presenting a version of events that absolves him of his role in this and implies that David 'wanted it.' (eurgh)

And because she's Syd, she takes the most direct route to solving the problem she's been presented with, and she tries to shoot David. And Farouk sees what David does to Syd, and it's horrible, because he knows, he knows where this path leads, because he's done this, he's spent years trying to make David love him the way he loves David, and he knows that it's impossible, because what he and David really want is an equal to recognize them - and they can never have that as long as they're controlling the people they love.

So now Farouk is sitting in his cell, with spikes in his brain, powerless, and the one person he loves in the world comes to tell him that 1) he sucks and David doesn't care about him at all 2) also btw he's going to kill Farouk tomorrow, toodles. That’s where we get the "I saw what you did to her" stuff. David is making the same mistakes he made, and there's a bitter satisfaction in watching that, because Farouk feels that he's been rejected, and he's smart enough to know that David is about to be too. So he fights to get just a BIT of his mind free of the crown, and brings a mouse in to, pardon the pun, RAT David out to the rest of D3.

And the Vermillions run the math and decide that the risks of letting Farouk loose are less than the risks of letting David loose, because David is going to destroy the world and Farouk is only going to sit by the pool and abuse people. And Syd is so angry and violated right now that of course she agrees. (I don't know what Cary's excuse is for going along with this batshit plan.)

So they have the trial, and Farouk makes an appearance to try and convince David to stay. Which is the absolute worst thing he could have done, because that freaks David the fuck out. But in Farouk's mind, he's already decided that he's going to be a benevolent figure in David's life, so why shouldn't David see that, why shouldn't David agree with him and just FORGET all of the horrible things that he's done.

And then from there I think s3 proceeds pretty naturally without me having to scramble to justify it.

THERE, that’s my ad-hoc justification for Farouk’s shitty characterization. If you read all of this, I’m impressed.

[my-love-peterp]

Mistaken Chapter One

Word Count: 2103 THERE ARE NO ENDGAME SPOILERS, THIS IS A DELAYED UPLOAD FROM AO3

Fic Summary: Peter Parker has been given the responsibility of bringing in a new recruit. Now, as an adult, he realizes that none of the trashy YA novels he read in high school could have prepared him for this. There was a storm on the horizon, and all they could do from the Tower is watch.

Chapter Summary: A new recruit is brought into the fold and is more than a handful.

Warnings: language, mentions of injury, non-graphic violence (brief)

A/N:  You may have seen me over @fabtasticass which is my main blog. So this is my first fanfic and it's going to be a big one. It is a Soulmates AU but not in the traditional way. That won't show up until later chapters. I'm going to try to keep endgame a secret the best I can. I have some very angsty ups and downs planned but I'm trying to hold back. So I’ll tag each chapter with what pairing might be in that chapter in the official Tumblr tags but never at the beginning.

I ran, dodging rats, and clumps of unidentified garbage that lay literal feet from a plethora of garbage cans and dumpsters. God, I hated this city.

I especially hated this city in the rain, dashing through back alleys of Queens with all of my belongings in tow.

Rolling in and out of huge asphalt craters, my suitcases jostled my already pained arm. It had only been three or so hours since I’d reset the dislocated joint against my fire escape.

Blood dripped from a split along my hairline, mingling with sweat and city rainwater. At this point, I felt like a drowned cat and probably smelled like a wet dog. Super, awesomely attractive, right?

Bracing myself against the wall of the nearest building, I pulled a flask out of the interior pocket of my jacket and took a swig. The flask was light pink with the words “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” emblazoned on the side. It filled me with a dark sense of glee and irony every time I used it. I nicked it from one of those chain party supply stores a few months back, which I supposed could be my version of fun.

The whiskey burned as it went down but as it hit my stomach it helped to warm my rain-soaked bones.

I began moving again. As I wove in and out of the misshapen piles in the alleyway, I felt the hair prickle on the back of my neck. It felt like I had a curious pair of eyes, tracking my every move and staring me down. I ignored my most basic instinct to turn around and investigate and my training kicked in instead. My eyes swept the alleyway ahead of me, monitoring the shadows, ears open and head down. I checked every shiny surface to see the reflection behind me. Empty alleyways are all that I was shown. So I shoved aside my intrusive paranoia and started whistling tunelessly as I moved. I’d felt that prickle for days and nothing had come of it.

In front of me, business lights filtered through the rain, casting a glow over the stone walls. Wet, sputtering and a little drunk, it only made sense that I was the target of some less friendly men who had stationed themselves outside of a local dive bar. They jeered and reached out at me. “Piss off you assholes, I’m not in the mood.”

Their demented shouts ranged from demands that I take off my clothes, false coos asking me if I needed their help to warm up and jokes about them being so good in bed women were jumping at the chance and willing to move in with them immediately to lock it down.

The rain got harder as I clenched my fist, glaring daggers at them and trying to subtly move faster. Everything about my body language screamed 'don't fuck with me', but it's hard to be intimidating when you're a generous 5'3. They advanced anyways and with a woosh, they all got tossed back into the brick wall, hard. The crack of a few skulls echoed down the empty alley, interrupted only by their groans as a few immediately came to.

The tingling on the back of my neck got more intense, this time joined by a fuzzy feeling alarm in the back of my brain. I hustled along, eager to get the hell out of Queens. I hadn't taken more than three steps when I heard him. “Woah, what was that? I webbed up those guys back there, they won't be able to move for a few hours. What was that though, can you like manipulate energy or is this outside the realm of earthly physics? Are you an alien? Or a mutant maybe? Or..."

Without looking up I sent another blast towards the overly excited voice and immediately heard an oomph followed by the sound of a body rushing towards the pavement. Or, rather, a dumpster.

“Hey not cool,” said the guy, poking his head up and out of the dumpster.

I groaned, immediately recognizing the mask, despite it being covered in what looked a lot like smashed avocado on the left side of the heroes head. Spider-Man.

Pushing my bags together, around my feet, I bound them to myself and alighted on the nearest rooftop, gently floating upward. I figured the enhanced cat was already out of the bag with the current company, so to speak. I ran along the flat roofs of the decrepit, abandoned buildings with still no destination in mind but out.

“Wait up, where are you going, stop! We're friends now right? It's rude to ignore your friends, and I'm the friendliest of friends, you know. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man and all...” he babbled on lamely, his voice fading in and out as he swung between buildings, keeping up as I hopped from roof to roof.

“Buzz off buggy”, I grumbled before sending another shot his way.

“You’re really bad at paying attention to where I am, aren’t you” Spidey suddenly whispered in my ear. I shrieked and came to a halt, dropping my luggage next to me as I sat to dangle my feet off the ledge of whatever shitty building I was on now. As expected, that lanky ass fool sat down right next to me.

“So, where are you going, miss uh… strange power lady?”

“I don’t kno-” I cut myself off and looked at him strangely. “Wait, why are you even here?”

“Well funny story," he huffed out, looking over at me. His masked eyes contracted as he continued to just look at me in silence for several minutes. I was seconds away from physically shoving him off of the building. For someone who apparently couldn't keep his mouth shut when I wanted him to, he was as silent and one of those monks now when I actually wanted to hear his whiny voice. Then, just as I was about to snap, he lifted his chin and squared his shoulders.

"Have you ever heard of the Avengers?”

Like any normal person on the planet, I obviously had. I may not have been in New York while it was being leveled by aliens over a decade ago, but a person would have to be seriously deprived of outside stimuli to not know who the Avengers were.

Instead of speaking to the impertinent, entirely too perky Avenger at my side, I just glared, sending a message loud enough that even the most inept individual would comprehend me.

“Woah, woah, don’t shoot! You could be like, a really weird and reclusive alien for all I know at this point. The boss didn’t exactly give me all the details when he sent me out to trail you. I don’t even know your name, which tells me that we actually don’t know a whole lot about you…,” he trailed off his rambling as he finally realized I was now staring at him expectantly, waiting to get a word in edgewise.

“My name is Kaida, and I’m not a good person. Also, thanks for the invitation to join your little cult, but I’m going to have to pass.” I stood to leave and find shelter for tonight when all of a sudden a schnick sounded and webbing surrounded my foot, holding me in place.

That sneaky little son of a bitch.

“No can do, we’re going to talk this one out. Either you agree to come in and meet the team or you get to sit here all night and listen to me ramble about them and what ridiculously stupid things we’ve all been up to in the past few months. Your call… Kaida.” He said my name as though it could take form, leap up and bite him.

“Okay Spider, I see you want to play hardball. You take that mask off and I’ll come with you to ‘meet the team’ or whatever touchy-feely bullshit y’all are into over there. But I’m not agreeing without some kind of skin in the game other than my own.” I lifted my chin, triumphantly, secure in the knowledge that he would never reveal his identity to a complete stranger, especially while various factions of the government and private entities were trying to round up enhanced individuals.

Spidey scoffed. “That’s it? It’s not like I was going to leave it on once we got to the tower anyways so, here you go I guess,” and he ripped away his mask as though it didn’t faze him in the slightest.

He was… younger than I had expected. Cute, in a safe, boring schoolboy kind of way.

“What are you, twelve??” I all but shouted at him. There’s no way this kid was the real deal, a bona fide Avenger that had helped save numerous lives, my own included if you count what happened just a few years back.

“I’m twenty-two, thanks though. If I’m twelve, I’ve gotta say you’re a toddler. Granted, a toddler with wicked skills but it’s not like you’re even really an adult at this point, are you? Why aren’t you with your pare-.”

“For one thing, they’re dead. Secondly, I’m twenty but I guarantee you I’ve seen shit that you can’t really even comprehend. Even outside of all the crazy whack alien bullshit you all seem to be attracting. It really ages a person, or so I’ve heard.”

“Oh look at you, pulling the big bad ‘I’m so tough because I’m an orphan and my life wasn’t sunshine and roses’ act. Literally, everyone has bad shit happen to them. From what I’ve just seen and from what we’ve caught on security monitors, you’re wickedly talented and could actually use your powers to help others. Unless you’re too much of a coward, I know we do deal with ‘crazy whack aliens’ and all, but it shouldn’t be hard for a big kid like yourself, huh?”

I had half a mind to blow him off the roof right then and there. Rage swirled in the pit of my gut so violently, I might have vomited had I eaten at all in the past day or so. The wind picked up and began buffeting around the Spider guy and myself, throwing debris from decrepit roof and buildings towards us. All of the shrapnel conveniently avoided my person, but Spidey was dancing back and forth like a puppet on a string.

Deep breaths Kaida, deep breaths. We wouldn’t want another Wizard of Oz-esque incident. Again. I often found myself talking to myself in different perspectives to calm down. Anger, improperly channeled was a very dangerous thing for me, and honestly, I was being a brat just like he was. No need to level an entire city block just for this one intrusive, presumptuous asshat who dressed up like a fucking spider. I wasn’t about to tell him that though.

The wind died down almost immediately. Until it didn’t.

Not a minute later, the biggest bolt of lightning I’d ever seen struck a building a block or so away, no doubt short-circuiting every device plugged in at that residence. Two seconds later there was a solid thunk and next to Spider-Man loomed perhaps the most handsome being in the known universe, Thor. King of Asgard.

“You hit your panic button Man of Spiders. Are you in need of assistance… carrying bags?” Thor looked at you, tied down, and your bags tossed askew, then back at Spidey. Quizzically, he opened his palm and sent a burst of lightning up into the sky, as if looking for something. “All seems to be in perfectly good spirits here, no strange magics… so.”

“Listen, man, two minutes ago she was literally shaking the building so hard I thought we were all going down. I just don’t know how… all I did was ask her some questions, maybe play hardball with her a little,” he just shrugged at the god apologetically.

“Hi, I exist too, and I can speak for myself,” I asserted, repositioning my body so I wasn’t standing quite so hunched over. “We,” I continued, looking at Spidey, “would love your assistance in getting my bags back to wherever this team inspection or meeting is supposed to happen.” Anything to get inside and secure, before I lost it completely.

“As you wish, Lady of the Winds,” Thor almost yelled, thrusting a cane into the sky.

“No, Thor wai-.”

Before the insect could finish whatever he was trying to say, we were engulfed in a kaleidoscope of bright colors and rushed away in the blink of an eye.

So much for having a normal, Wednesday evening.

If you’d like to be tagged in future chapters (I have 28 written) drop me a message or reblog this!! As always, reblogs and comments are appreciated!

[becausesebastianstan]

We Should All Be Dead

A/N: I wrote this in like five hours so sorry if it’s poopy. I wanted to post something on sebastian's bday so this was really rushed. please give me feedback i won’t get any better without it! also send in requests I will gladly try to write anything with sebastian's characters or sebastian himself. one last thing  please please feel free to ask me anything i like to think I'm good at listening!!! literally anything that’s troubling you!

Warnings: Mention of kidnapping

Word Count: 3500+

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

An isolated group off of the coast of Greenland, in an uncharted island with technology far more advanced than the average society in the 1940s, captured you when you were 16. You grew up next door to James Buchanan Barnes. You were close friends with him and Steve your whole childhood. It wasn’t until one night when you stayed too late at Steve’s that everything went south. Bucky decided to sleep over, and despite many complaints, you decided to walk home. It was only 3 blocks what could happen? A lot apparently. You felt uneasy the second you left the home. You should’ve turned back. A man covered your mouth and knocked you out before you could scream or fight back. You woke up later, in a dark damp room, giving no indicators as to where you were. Until you heard a loud horn. A boat. Your assailant had taken you aboard a ship.

Months and months of poking and prodding. Months of experiments. They made you into a monster. They called it remarkable. They’ve never had such a success. You weren’t sure if there was a scientific term for your abilities. But you had strength you didn’t have before, and you could sense what would happen in the future, seconds, minutes, hours before it actually happened. The future was always changing though, one small thing could set off the future on a whole new path. However, this precognition allowed you to know that their success was short-lived. You couldn’t see much into the future because it was too far away, which confused the scientists at the establishment, but you knew that the demise of these people was close.

You heard it. The commotion. You could hear it from your small safe space. You heard shouting, Get the girl, a voice yelled. The girl? You? Soon enough a figure approached your door kicking it down and telling you everything will be ok. You’re safe, he said the guys are gone now. You wanted to believe it, you truly did, but they scarred you so much. They took you away from your home. Your family. Your life. One second you were being carried from the building, the next you were lying down in a very bright room. You were told the ‘bad men’ were taken down decades upon decades ago. You’ve been asleep for 70 years just about. Well, this sure isn’t the 40s you thought.

You were all over the news. The girl who has been missing since 1940. 1940. Nearly 80 years. How did you still look the same? A medical mystery no one could explain. Until Tony Stark. He approached you when you were still in the hospital. He offered you a new life, as part of the team. You weren’t quite sure what he meant by the team. Like sports? You asked, to which he just laughed. Considering all of your loved ones were either 90 or dead you shrugged and went along with it. You felt empty. Lost. Alone. It was incredibly depressing to think about so you tried to focus on the new technology in New York. Bucky would’ve loved to see this, you thought, he always loved technology.

A few weeks later you were standing outside of the compound. The Avengers. You have the opportunity to become an Avenger. You prayed that whoever these people were wouldn’t ask questions about your life. You wouldn’t be able to bear it. You gathered up enough courage to walk into the large building, remembering the floor Tony told you to go to meet the team. You felt yourself get nervous. Would they like you? Would they avoid you? You had no idea, all you know is that you just wanted a family, something to make up for your lack of one now. The elevator dinged, signifying that you reached your floor. The doors slid open to reveal Tony Stark waiting for you. A smile overtook his features, at least someone was excited about this, you thought. He led you through a small hallway into what seemed to be a conference room full of people. Oh god. You hesitated slightly when he held the door open for you. But when you walked in you were greeted with a chorus of hellos. You smiled a little, taken aback by the amount of attention directed at you. A strikingly beautiful redhead approached you.

“Hi, I’m Natasha, Tony has been absolutely obsessed with your story!” She exclaimed completely skipping any formal handshake and going straight for a hug.

“Haha, really? There isn’t much to it. Just a lot of blank spaces…” You trailed off awkwardly

“I’m Wanda, I’m relatively new to the team, but we are all friendly here I promise,” She said with a thick accent that you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

“Hi, I’m Y/N, as I’m sure you all know already,” You said now addressing everyone in the room when you heard a sharp gasp. You glanced around the room trying to find where it came from. You briefly looked over the room when you did a double take. Steve?

“Y/N?” He whispered stepping forward.

“Steve?” You gasped, not sure if it was really him. He was huge. Muscular. Attractive.

“Oh my goodness, is it actually you? I thought you were gone forever! Your mom was devastated!” He said engulfing you in a bear hug. You relaxed. Your best friend. He was here. How?

“Um… if you don’t mind me asking. Erm… How are you here?” You asked pulling awake

“That’s a long story, you remember me and Bucky talking about joining the army?” He asked

“Um, yeah I guess,” You said, not really sure where he was going with this

“Well, we both joined, shortly after you… y’know… and I technically wasn’t supposed to be there, but long story short, I was chosen for an experiment. So now I’m Captain America I guess, which kind of sounds really dumb now that I think about it…”

“Captain America? That still doesn’t really explain how you’re here though,”

“Oh yeah, so I was in a plane crash and I was frozen for a while,” He replied quickly, mending the empty gap in his story.

__________

That was probably a year ago. Now you’re officially part of the team. You’ve done some major bonding with the team. You were very close with Nat and Wanda, you and Steve caught up on almost everything. He pressured you into admitting your childhood crush on Bucky, which is still very embarrassing in your opinion. You felt like he was hiding something from you though. Actually, you felt like the whole team was hiding something from you. You ignored it though if they wanted to tell you they would right?

Natasha and Wanda took you out with Tony’s card and helped you catch up on clothes since you had none from before, it took you a while to completely adjust to the bustling city, people were always in a rush now. You were adjusting nicely to your new life, blowing the team away with your surprising strength. You still weren’t comfortable enough to go on missions, which everyone understood.

Today you decide to do yoga since yesterday was your hard training day with Nat. You have to admit the clothes now are incredibly more revealing, which was slightly uncomfortable, but after hearing Nat gush about how good leggings supposedly make your butt look, you gave in. The gym was empty, which wasn’t surprising because you were the only one up. You, unlike the rest of the team, couldn’t eat first thing in the morning, you needed to wake up a little first. You hum along to the music, you have to admit, you missed a good music era in the 70s and 80s. Sam, or the Falcon, made you a playlist on this thing called iTunes of a bunch of good songs you missed. Fleetwood Mac was your favorite. Music had always been your favorite. You were completely and utterly shocked when you heard your first rap song from the 21st century. As you do your yoga stretches you sing along to The Chain until you saw Steve standing by the door, his mouth was moving but you had no idea what he was saying.

“What?” You grumble, not happy that Steve interrupted your singing.

“We need to talk,” He says, in his boss voice, Well this can't be good, you think

You follow him to the conference room, where you see a box set up on one end. You look at Steve and he gestures for you to sit. You don’t second-guess him and sit down waiting for him to speak first.

“So, Y/N, I need you to look at these folders, they’re files, I’ll be right here if you have any questions,” He says pushing the box toward you, you give him a skeptical glance, but grab the folder on top nonetheless

It’s labeled. James Buchanan Barnes. What the hell Steve?. You open it to see his basic information, stuff you knew like the back of your hand when you were a teenager. His mother, sisters, all that jazz. You flip the page to see his formal title and a bunch of military terms. Sargeant. James made it. Bucky fucking made it. It makes you proud, a bittersweet feeling knowing that you’ll never be able to tell him you're proud. You turn to the last page to see a date. You were taken long before this date. You refuse to see what the date meant, you don’t want to face reality. You don’t want to know that his life was taken from him far to early. Even though that is an honorable way to die. You just can’t bring yourself to believe he’s actually dead, even though basically everyone, minus Steve apparently, died a while ago.

You look up at Steve, why did he show you this? To reopen the wound? Drain you of all emotion? He just let his eyes flicker to the box, reminding you there’s more. You put down the file with Bucky’s given name and grab the next one. The Winter Soldier. Who the hell is that? You think, you open it letting your eyes glance over this person’s file, at least a dozen assassinations were done by this person. What does this have to do with Bucky? You put that file down on top of Bucky’s file. The next file was a mission report, umm ok… You read everything, seeing how SHIELD was filled with this organization’s, HYDRA, spies. According to this file, HYDRA was far worse than the one you were connected to. That’s when The Winter Soldier appeared again, a trained assassin. Brainwashed. A ghost, no database had information linking him to an identity other than the Winter Soldier. On the last page, that’s when you notice an all too familiar name. Sergeant James Barnes. You stare at the name baffled, What does that mean? According to Bucky’s file, he fell off of the train and was never actually found. According to the Winter Soldier’s file, there’s no record of him until after Bucky’s fall. You take a few minutes to process the information before opening the last file. You find out that Steve and Tony had a falling out a couple years ago because of the Winter Soldier, or Bucky rather. Steve and Tony had reconnected a few days before you arrived, which is most likely why he was so caught off guard when you first showed up. When you finish reading you finally look at Steve again. He was distracted, typing away on a laptop when you clear your throat. He looks up, clearly startled.

“He’s alive?” You ask softly, almost as if you say it any louder, it won’t be true. Steve only nodded.

“Where?”

“Wakanda, he was in a very bad state of mind, Y/N, everything he did while he was brainwashed, haunted him. He can recall everything he did, it ruined him. He wasn’t the same Bucky you and I knew. He returns this Saturday.” He answers. Your eyes begin to water as you feel a lump in your throat go more with each passing second. How were you supposed to respond to one undead friend, now there’s two?! Steve moved to your side of the table, wrapping his arms around you. This information was so much for you to digest.

“Thank you, Steve,” You mumbled into his shoulder

Saturday. Today was Thursday, which means you have two days. You keep to yourself the rest of the day, trying to register the fact that The Bucky Barnes will be coming back. You don’t remember any pictures in the box, so you have no idea what your old best friend looks like now, would he look younger than his age by a few decades like you and Steve? Or would he actually look his age, which is close to 100 now? Wait no, that’s a silly question, he can’t be tip-top physical shape assassin and look 90, now that would be foolish.

The next day you call for a brunch with the girls, you needed to ask them about this. You confront them about Bucky, which at this point Steve had told everyone you know now, and they tell you what they know now. Natasha brings up a picture of him on her phone. You take a long look, memorizing every feature. How on Earth can someone get more attractive over the course of 70 years? You feel yourself getting nervous. Natasha and Wanda sense it and when you get back to the tower they rush you to your room, picking out your clothes for tomorrow. You usher them out, needing some alone time. You grab your earbuds and phone getting ready to let out some emotion on a punching bag.

You listen to the playlist of current hits that Sam made, absolutely stunned by the vulgar lyrics. You’d be lying if you said you hated it though. You slightly rocked to the music as you throw hard punches. You break a few bags, forgetting your own strength. After breaking the wraps on your hands you call it a day, going to shower. After your shower, you curl up under some blankets, catching up on this thing called Netflix, with Steve. You try to ignore your nerves for the night and enjoy a few episodes of Scandal.

It’s Saturday. You woke up later than usual, it was 8, and you had to train with Steve at 8:15. You are very spacey, and Steve takes notice and lets you go early. You shower and throw your hair in a messy bun, taking the clothes that Nat and Wanda chose. You change and go to put on some makeup for the day, when you hear Bucky’s voice in your head, Y’know, doll, you shouldn’t need to put that stuff on your face, any guy can see your beauty without it, he’d say, every time you’d put makeup on to go on a date. You’d just laugh it off, knowing that Bucky was just being his charming self, but deep down you wanted him to be serious, you wanted him to say that to you and only you.

You go to sit in the living room, where Tony wanted everyone to meet. He updates all of you, warning everyone to take it slow with Bucky because he doesn’t want to undo all of Shuri’s, the sister of the King of Wakanda you learned, work. You all find that as a doable thing and await the arrival of Bucky. It feels like hours have passed when in reality it was only a few minutes before the sound of the elevator brings everyone out of their conversations. You tense up next to Steve as the doors slide open. He places his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it lightly as if telling you to ease up a little. Then he steps through the door. The man you’ve loved since you were 13. He was here. He looks older, maybe mid-30s, like you and Steve. He has long hair, an elastic pulls his hair away from his face in a small bun, a ‘man bun’ you’ve heard Wanda call it. He was built, very built. His metal arm wasn’t hidden, according to Steve he used to hide it. Steve already told you about Bucky losing his arm when he fell, letting you know about the metal prosthetic. He also told you that Bucky didn’t know you were back, he only told Bucky that he had a visitor, an old friend, which confused Bucky to the fullest extent.

“Bucky,” Steve greets, moving to give a side hug to his old friend. The two exchange a few hushed words before Bucky shifts his gaze to you. Your suddenly aware of Natasha pushing you toward him.

“Hi, James,” You get out

“Y/N, my Y/N” He gasps, he looks unsure, as if you’re not actually there and you’re just a mirage. You stand there awkwardly for a moment when suddenly you're engulfed in the biggest hug of your life. You breathe in, taking in his scent. You choke out a giggle, happy you didn’t trigger any bad memories for him.

“You’re here, you’re actually here,” He hiccups, with tears forming in his eyes

“Come on now James, don’t cry,” You tease, shifting on your feet, you always called you James. When you were younger it would bug him, but the way you say his name pulls at his heartstrings.

“Doll, I never thought I’d see you again. You were gone, everyone told me you were gone for good but I didn’t want to believe them,” he says.

“Good to have you back, Frosty, but I need to finish my workout,” Sam chimes in, before walking away. You playfully roll your eyes.

Everyone greets Bucky, some more cautious than others. Tony is still a little awkward around Bucky, which is understandable. Everyone leaves the room eventually, leaving Steve, Bucky, and you together. You all take in this moment, the three of you together again. You didn’t think it was possible. You should be dead. You chuckle slightly, snapping Steve and Bucky out of their daydreams.

“What’s so funny, doll?” Bucky asks, quirking his eyebrow.

“We should all be dead right now, none of us should be here,” You laugh as you wipe tears away from your eyes. Steve stifles a laugh as he watches Bucky’s features process what you just said.

“I mean, you’re not wrong,” Bucky says, not truly understanding why you find that so humorous.

“Oh c’mon James, it wouldn’t hurt you to laugh a little,” You tease, to which he scoffs to cover a small laugh.

Later that night, after everyone is asleep, you and Bucky are still catching up. The two of you are finally able to talk about nothing and everything together. You are so caught up in admiring how much Bucky has changed that you don’t notice him admiring you.

“Y’know James, when I got really lonely in my room, I’d pretend I was having a conversation with you, the guards thought I was crazy, well I guess I was, but I was lonely. I thought I’d lost everything.” You ramble, he shudders at the thought of you being hurt so much.

“Doll…”

“I’m serious, James, you got me through it, you helped me persevere in a sense. I always thought that maybe, just maybe, if I got out, I’d have  a chance of seeing you again,” You whisper, fighting back tears, “Little did I know that all of their experiments drained me of my abilities so much that I slept for 70 years.”

“I’m honored, Y/N, but that strength, was all you, doll. You did that. You got yourself out.” He insists, to which you just shake your head. Oh, how wrong he is.

“No I’m serious James, I loved you so much that it helped me in the long run if only you knew how much I was smitten when we were teenagers,” You joke

“You’re messin’ with me, doll,” He pushes

“Oh god no, I wish I was, my crush was so embarrassing! I didn’t even tell Steve because I knew he’d tell you, and you were able to get any girl you wanted!” You exclaim

“All but one,” He murmurs

“What was that?”

“I only wanted one girl, doll. And that girl was you,” He states, staring right into your soul. Your breath hitches as you see him lean in. Your lips connect, and you feel like a 16-year-old girl in Brooklyn again. You feel complete and utter happiness. Your heart soars with love for the man in front of you.

“I guess it is funny, all that time, and I could’ve had you back in the 40s, it took a lifetime and a half to find out the girl I love, loves me back,” He chuckles. You curl into him brushing your thumb over his stubble as you hum in agreement. You love this man with all of your heart, and you will tell him every day until you die for good.

[therealkn]

David’s Resolution - Day 1

Day 1 (January 1, 2019)

Re-Animator (1985)

“Herbert, you’re insane, now what happened here?” “I had to kill him!” “What? He’s dead?!” “...Not anymore.”

When most people think of movies in the 1980s, they think of a lot of things. They think of Steven Spielberg - this was the decade that really cemented him as a household name, with the Indiana Jones films and E.T. earning critical praise and loads of money. They think of science fiction - The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi come to mind, along with Tron and The Last Starfighter and Blade Runner and Aliens. They think of action movies - this was the era of Stallone and Schwarzenegger, with Rambo and Terminator making them action hero gods, and there was also Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.

You know what I think of? The effects-heavy movies. You know which ones I’m talking about. The ones that took the advances being made in special effects and makeup and used that to give us things we'd never seen before and in some cases, never even fathomed before. The werewolf transformation in An American Werewolf in London, the creature effects in The Thing, the Alien Queen in Aliens... the ‘80s was a great decade for sci-fi and horror and all that good genre fare.

I’ve done three respectable classic movies in a row, I think it's time for something else. I think it's time to get fucked up and dig into the gory stuff. We need the right movie for that, and I think Arrow Video will have just the thing for us.

As I typed this, I realized that all three “minus days” before the actual resolution began were Criterion releases. So now we’ll have something from Arrow Video, the European cousin to Criterion and more or less the fusion of Criterion and Shout! Factory. Like Criterion, Arrow Video is a high-end film distributor whose releases are top-tier quality. They too take the greatest care in film preservation and restoration, their restoration work is on par with Criterion’s, and their releases are loaded with bonus material about the film and those who made it. And like Shout! Factory, they deal largely in genre fare: spaghetti Westerns, Japanese crime movies, cult horror films, things like that. I have several Arrow Video releases (nowhere near as many as Criterion), but we’ll cover some more, trust me.

Now, on to Re-Animator.

The movie is based on H.P. Lovecraft’s “Herbert West - Reanimator” series of short stories, although it makes several changes, but that’s not really important. The movie is about Herbert West, played by Jeffrey Combs in a role that defined his career (though I also know him as the Scarecrow in The New Batman Adventures and the Question in Justice League Unlimited). West is a brilliant medical student who’s just left an institute in Switzerland to study at the Miskatonic University in New England, where a large majority of evil shit in the U.S. happens. And he’s developed a remarkable breakthrough: a re-agent that looks a lot like glowstick fluid and that, when injected into a dead creature, brings it back to life... with violent results. One may think that this means glowstick fluid can re-animate the dead. I do not recommend you inject glowstick fluid into your dead cat to try and resurrect it. It doesn't work.

West, upon arriving at the university, meets with two other major figures in the story: Dan Cain (played by Bruce Abbott), a bright young student with a good future ahead of him; and Dr. Carl Hill (played by David Gale), a shitheel of a professor who plagiarized West’s teacher in Switzerland and who immediately clashes with West. West begins renting a room in Dan’s house so that he can continue his work, which Dan soon finds out about. After Dan sees that West’s work in re-animation is not, in fact, doo-doo, he ends up helping West by getting him into the university morgue.

And I think I’ll leave the details of the story after that vague because hoo boy, shit gets crazy and I won’t spoil it for you. But I will say that at some point, Dr. Hill ends up literally losing his head, which then causes him to figuratively lose his head, yet he can still talk and even control his body without his head attached. This eventually leads to one of the most memorable sequences in the movie, where he has a re-animated subject carry a woman he lusts for into the morgue, where he ties her down and admires her naked body before holding his disembodied head between her legs so that said head can go down on her.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen and others, this movie has a disembodied head about to give head. Whatever your opinion of this movie, you have to admit that that is one of the best visual puns ever put to film. Thank you, Stuart Gordon and the people who wrote this movie.

This is an example of one of the film’s strengths: despite being an adaptation of Lovecraft’s work, this is a horror-comedy. (Come to think of it, we had a lot of horror-comedies in the ‘80s, didn’t we?) There’s some really disturbing stuff in the movie, especially involving the re-animated corpses, and the comedy helps to make that more digestible by giving us much-needed levity. A good amount of comedy comes from Jeffrey Combs’ performance as West, who makes the most insane character in the whole film the most reasonable and cool-headed throughout the movie and who somehow serves as straight man to everyone else, especially to Dr. Hill.

I don’t think it’s acceptable to talk about Re-Animator without talking about Jeffrey Combs as Herbert West. All of the actors in the film are great - Bruce Abbott as the audience surrogate who’s boarding the crazy train with us, Barbara Crampton as his loving and sweet girlfriend who’s also the victim of Dr. Hill’s perverted desires, Robert Sampson as Miskatonic’s dean who gets wrapped up in all these shenanigans - but the standout is Jeffrey Combs. His take on West is one of the most fascinating characters in modern horror. He is a man who does what he does for science. He doesn’t care about money, power, fame, or anything other than to study his re-agent and learn all he can about it. He seems disinterested or even turned off by sexual attraction: there’s his reaction to Dr. Hill’s attempted head-giving (“You steal the secret of life and death and here you are, trysting with a bubble-headed co-ed.”), and in the first sequel, Bride of Re-Animator, he warns Dan not to let the little head rule the big head. He doesn’t even eat or sleep to our knowledge, something that’s addressed in the “integral version” of the film (we’ll get to it soon). He’s become a cult favorite and a very popular horror film character from the ‘80s, which led to his character coming back for two sequels as well as appearing in comic books, including official crossovers with Hack/Slash and Army of Darkness. Yep. Ash Williams and Herbert West together.

And then there’s the gore. I did mention that, yes? This movie is not shy about gore or blood. The film begins with West at the Switzerland institute, having given re-agent to his mentor Dr. Hans Gruber - who I imagine recently died a hard death - and it causes Dr. Gruber’s eyes to explode and spray blood onto a female co-worker. The re-animated corpses are cool to look at and distinctive because of how they were when they died, from a burn victim whose body is charred to no end, to the victim of a shotgun blast to the head, to the separation of head and body that is the re-animated Dr. Hill, who controls the other re-animated through a strange psychic/hypnotic power he possesses.

I brought up Arrow Video earlier because their release of Re-Animator is, to me, the definitive release that you should seek out if you want to see this movie. The release I have has two versions of the movie: the unrated version that was originally released in theaters, and an “integral version” that features additional and alternate scenes that were originally in an R-rated home video release and were later edited into the unrated version for a 2013 German Blu-ray release. Both are good, but the integral version has a little more story-related stuff in it. It fleshes out Dan and Meg’s relationship a bit more and better details exactly what the deal with Dr. Hill’s power is. If you want to get the movie, get the Arrow Video release. You will not regret it. It will scare you to pieces.

Next time: ...Goddammit, Borowczyk.

[bigskydreaming]

notjustawave replied to your post:

If the only evidence of a character not being...

me seeing ppl act like deadpool movies are the pinnacle of representation like i HAVE to laugh

Like....we’ve been hearing this “oh, progress takes baby steps, one little thing at a time” crap for our entire lives, and guess what? With the exception of representation created by actual marginalized creators who manage to get a platform for it against all odds, most other so called representation from major studios and companies and franchises looks barely any different from the scraps they were giving us twenty years ago.

Baby steps my ass. Just say you’re trying to keep marginalized viewers on the hook watching your stuff without pissing off the homophobes and racists enough that they stop watching your stuff. That’s what it comes down to. That is the only reason most representation is still half-assed, blink and you miss it.

Major billion dollar corporations and highly successful and influential actors who makes millions off every movie honestly have people bending over backwards to say they’re trying or progress isn’t easy and it takes time, like these people are actual victims and like....boxed in by the evil homophobic society or whatever....instead of the tastemakers whose prioritization of straight white heroes for generations is the reason we have to fight so hard to get actual representation in the first place! 

They’re not powerless to do more in the face of a still largely homophobic society, they’ve just made the conscious choice that they care more about making sure homophobes still buy tickets to their movies than they do actually making a difference.

And like, if that’s what they want to do, then fine, they can do that, but what kills me is this idea that we’re supposed to be grateful for whatever little hint of not-straightness or not-whiteness that they shine a spotlight on for 2.5 seconds in a movie before its back to business as usual.....as though they’d do more if they could, really they would, but that’s just the best they could manage because The Homophobes and the Racists, y’see.

The movie Deadpool only happened because Ryan Reynolds wanted it to happen so badly, he wouldn’t let the project die in development hell. He kept making the rounds himself, kept the push on to keep new scripts for it getting made, and he has enough star power and a big enough fanbase that he was able to make it happen when lots of other actors couldn’t. There’s that post going around about how there’s a Bea Arthur T-Shirt he wore in the movie that they had trouble getting in because copyright stuff, so he paid $10K out of his own pocket for the licensing stuff to go through. And on and on.

Like, these aren’t small, innocuous things, they’re a display of the fact that people have power and influence in Hollywood and use those things every single day to get what they want or do things they care about. If the Deadpool production team and star really WANTED Deadpool the character to be the kind of meaningful representation they’re obviously all too happy to accept accolades for having provided already? Then they absolutely had the power to to give Wade an actual romantic history with one of the men in his films, or even one of them as an actual love interest or reciprocated flirting with one of them responding to his come-ons with like, interest of their own. Because notice how that suddenly, magically, turns what WAS just Wade obnoxiously using suggestive humor purely aimed at getting an audience laugh rather than an actual reaction....into two men having a moment like happens hundreds of times throughout every other summer blockbuster between a man and a woman and given the same degree of consideration and attention.

And yes, before someone comes at me with ‘bi and pan people don’t need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with the same gender to be bi or pan’, like yes, thank you, I, a bisexual man, am aware of the fact that I remain equally bisexual when single, dating a man, dating a woman, or mid-orgy. My sexuality is not dependent on anyone or anything other than my own identity.

But we’re not talking about a real life human being’s identity here. We’re talking about REPRESENTATION, which is a thing created deliberately by human beings making conscious choices about what they want to display and what they don’t, and their reasons for both.

So yes, a bi or pan character is still bi or pan whether we see them kissing the same gender or not, but you can not act like a living bi man’s romantic and sexual interests being driven by his own unique choices as an individual....this is NOT the same thing as a bi or pan character who just so happens to be romantically interested in women love interests save for the occasional suggestive joke aimed at the nearest male character.

Because the former is born of that real life bi man’s entire life, experiences, personality, his BEING. The latter is born of human agendas and creative decisions and studio politics and yes, the fact that Fox and the Deadpool production are more than happy to throw LGBTQ+ viewers just enough table scraps that they’ll stay invested in supporting it, but not so much that it might risk them losing tickets in large numbers from the homophobic sector of their audience.

If I ignore the five men in my vicinity and focus on the one woman because I feel more of an attraction or connection to her for whatever reason, I get to do that because I am my own person, and people can assume whatever they want about what my motives or thought process might be but guess what? It doesn’t matter, because my choices are for me and me alone.

If Deadpool ignores the five men in his vicinity to focus on the one woman, its NOT because he feels more of an attraction or connection to her, because HE DOESN”T FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS. He is a fictional character. He only feels and acts upon whatever the writers decide he should feel and act upon, and THEIR motives and thought process absolutely get to be called into question, because they are not individuals making personal choices that are for them and them alone, they are creators of content that benefits and profits from the positive responses and continued support of whomever they choose to cater that content to in order to gain their support and positive response.

And bottom line, they still care more about selling tickets to homophobes than they do about creating real, positive, meaningful representation, and like....people should say that?? We do not owe it to million dollar franchises to say thank you, can we please have some more because of whatever they deign to dole out. Not while still blatantly making it clear PS, glad you liked that little moment there in Act Two Scene Five but tbh, we still care more about not pissing off the dude who lives in his parents’ basement in Kansas and has five guns and every Deadpool action figure ever made and cries into his pillow every night because Sara Lee rejected him when he asked her to his high school prom because he’s weird and ugly and nobody understands his pain like Deadpool, who is also weird and ugly and thus he NEEDS him, and just because he makes dumb jokes to guys onscreen sometimes, that’s no big deal, everyone does that sometimes, its not like he’s REALLY into guys, that’d be weird and also he can’t be because then he wouldn’t be like that homophobic shitbag who lives in his parents’ basement and trolls LGBTQ+ fans on twitter with “Lulz, dumbass losers, just accept that Deadpool doesn’t really represent you and never will, he’s OURS.”

They understand what actual representation looks like, because they’ve been representing the infinite shades of Shitty Straight White Human Being for generations now, and every single straight white man in Hollywood has a story about the character they identified with most as a child and made them want to write or act and basically shaped their entire life.

They know what actual representation looks like and what it means, but they have no interest in providing it so long as it might alienate who they see as the real moneymakers still, knowing they can still keep marginalized viewers watching by doling out the bare minimum and saying “there’s more coming, its just progress takes time, we need to take baby steps” like they’ve been doing for actual, literal decades, with very little actual change to show for it.

Sorry not sorry, but you tell me here’s five cents for you and hand me a nickel and then turn to the shitbag human being standing on the other side of you wearing a GOD HATES GAYS T-shirt and say “and here’s a twenty dollar bill for YOU, don’t spend it all in one place, lol” and then you and he share a hearty laugh while I’m standing there holding a fucking nickel?

LMAO, you can keep your five cents, you’re not like....actually doing me any favors there and I’m not going to feed your ego by pretending you did anything other than give me a shitty fucking nickel you probably picked up off the sidewalk.

[lubbuthedigitalnomad]

IT IS WEIRD TO BE “RICH”

Hello from Kathmandu, Nepal! I hope you are happy and healthy.

The following is from the new book-in-progress.

Some folks have accused my writing of occasionally being “too real.” That is very understandable. Many of us have been steered away from real all of our lives by the wool that is constantly being pulled over our eyes — so not everyone is able to recognize, much less deal with, real. Sometimes real really hurts. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Other folks think I have been too upbeat and happy during this whole past year of disease, political manipulation of economics, and other assorted disasters. They think I have not been real enough. This little piece will likely put an end to those complaints. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Be well. Love, Tenzin

And, to those of my friends that worry about folks with wavering emotions, please don’t. I will be back to cheery by next week. I promise.

p.s. If you find the reading at all enjoyable, please — it literally takes only seconds — click one or more or all of the highlighted backlinks following this paragraph. This simple process is completely without risk, cost, or difficulty. All it does is bring you to the site that is highlighted. Each click is a big help in pushing Fearless Puppy up in the Google rankings. Whether you browse the sites or close the windows immediately, your help has been delivered. Thank you!

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IT IS WEIRD TO BE “RICH”

I spent several teen years begging on the streets for survival and much of my adult life working for causes that didn’t return appreciable, if any, paychecks. I’m not complaining! Much of it was fun and all of it was educational. There were decades of adulthood spent sleeping on other people’s floors or spare mattresses. I often drank the beer, ate the food, and smoked the weed of benevolent friends — and was always the poorest person in any town that I entered. My work, as well as my life, has been more “dependent upon the kindness of strangers” than was Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Friends were always happy to be part of the work that was getting done. I was always grateful for the help that allowed me to do the work.

Of all the culture shock that I should be feeling here on the opposite side of the world from my homeland, the part that jars my system the most is being a rich guy. Of course, it’s altogether relative. With $445 a month of so-called Social Security income (and just a bit of savings), I would be living well below poverty level back in America. And, although I am a rich guy among some people here, I certainly am not one as compared with the Tibetan community that occupies much of this neighborhood.

Tibetans make up a good portion of this Boudha Stupa area but less than nine percent of the population of Nepal. Much of the remaining ninety-plus percent of indigenous Nepali people, and even more so the non-Tibetan and non-Nepali immigrant groups, are not as financially fortunate as the Tibetans seem to be.

This is certainly true for the labor force that works within but lives outside the Stupa area. They work in restaurants, shops, construction, and have carts in the streets from which they sell fruit or vegetables or kitchen utensils or Q-tips or anything else that can make them a few rupees profit.

Many people came to Nepal from India to enjoy greater opportunities. They became well respected members of the community. Many others came because begging and other street hustling rackets are more productive here. These folks are the most annoying and aggressive operators. They train their children to be very cute, pitiable, and profitable. They are raising career beggars. These street and tin shack people are a large financial step below the local workers. In America, the street people and I would be in a very similar financial situation. Here, I am considered wealthy.

Oddly enough, the amount of money I have is not what immediately influences their decision. They have not seen my bank balance. What they have seen is my skin color.

During pre-corona-scare years, the street people got used to having many tourists from Europe and America visit Nepal for a week or two. They have seen so many foreign vacation dollars fly by and around them that many locals think everyone white is rich! Relatively speaking, they have a point. Anyone that can afford the price of the plane ticket to get here actually is rich, compared with the folks on the street that are trying to live off of what trickles down from the visitors.

Many street people are polite — but some beggars (and street merchants) can be rudely aggressive in their efforts to widen that trickle. The hardcore beggars ask and don’t stop asking if you say “no.” They keep talking to you and often tug on your sleeve as they follow you up the street. Some bark “Money! Money! Money!” in your ear for a length of two or three blocks. Others very loudly interrupt while you are in mid-conversation with friends. They continuously caw in your ear like a crow on crack. Their hope is that you will give them some money so they will just shut up and go away. These folks have, what we would call in Brooklyn, a “crawling up your ass” modus operandi. In most of Brooklyn, these people would get the shit beaten out of them very quickly.

Myself, and the fellow beggars I have known in America, always realized that once a prospective contributor says “no,” our time is more productively spent moving on to a new and hopefully more receptive target. The Indian/Nepali beggar hasn’t yet figured out this little point of practicality — and shows no concern for any points of street etiquette.

As a guy who, besides personal panhandling experiences, spent four decades begging money for environmental groups and assorted charities, it is extremely bizarre and unsettling for me to be hit on a dozen times a day by folks that are trying to shine my sneakers, or extort money in exchange for them just leaving me alone. An invasive and aggressive persistence is only an asset in rare situations and occupations. Begging is not one of those — and even legitimate, dedicated, altruistic soliciting for a very worthy cause has its limits.

And there are certain variations of aggressive persistence that need to be ended immediately. The perpetrators need to be punished (if you believe in that sort of thing) and mandated into rehabilitation facilities.

Most locals that give to street beggars contribute five or ten rupees. During my first four months in Kathmandu, I would give a twenty rupee note to everyone that asked. I’d pocket fifty of them at a time, hand them out until they were gone, and then go get some more. I like being helpful, twenty rupees is only about eighteen cents, and it kept me in a friendly state of mind on the street. Some of these street folks looked like they were doing fine. Others were obviously missing parts of their body or mind. Others were alcoholics. Whatever their story, it seemed that if they were out there asking, they needed to be helped. Many homeless people worldwide suffer as much from the inequities of economic systems as they suffer from personal bad luck, bad habits, or bad decisions. There is a big difference between a humanely based war on poverty and a government instituted war on poor people that is based in a cold, perverse economic policy.

I like, respect and often defend my fellow street peeps. Some are more fun to be around than others, but they all remind me of just how slim and temporary that line is between material wealth and material poverty. Street experience taught me a long time ago that plumbers, carpenters, single mothers, innocent orphans, even doctors and professors, can end up sleeping in an alley right alongside junkies and alcoholics. Half the world is only one bad break or decision away from being street people.

Early in the fifth month after my arrival here, a young and attractive woman was begging near the Stupa. One side of her face was severely black and blue. Out of the corner of my eye, I barely noticed the man hovering about twenty feet away, darting glances at her. I gave her thirty rupees instead of twenty. I later learned that she was intentionally beaten by that hovering man, in the hope that the signs of abuse would evoke more sympathy and higher contributions from tourists and local working folks. There was no way to know if the man was her husband, pimp, boyfriend, or owner.

I don’t give anything to any Kathmandu street people any more. It’s about more than just the aggressive, annoying thing. Many of the horrible things seen in the Slum Dog Millionaire movie actually happen here in real life. It may be a lot more widespread and severe in India, but some of the same cruelty exists in Kathmandu as well.

I feel badly about not helping those of my street brothers and sisters that are regular people in legitimate need, but there is no way to tell which folks are on the level and which folks are part of a beggar’s cartel — or something that is much more abusive and disturbing. I have to step on my natural instinct to help, in order to no longer support the many levels of social and individual pain trying to grow stronger on these streets.

Our US government’s savage actions and TV’s exaggerated imagery have fostered quite a bad international reputation of the American people. But, as is true in most countries, individual citizens are often a lot nicer than their government. American people can be generous. We can be quite compassionate and forgiving as well. This is especially true of Americans that have had some training in and experience with real forgiveness and compassion. But if I ever again see a young woman with a black and blue face, and a man hovering close by with his eyes on her begging hand, I might just screw up, forget what Buddha taught me, and kick the living fuck out of the guy. He not only beat a defenseless woman. He also iced the heart of a warm man.

About the Author

Doug “Ten” Rose may be the biggest smartass as well as one of the most entertaining survivors of the hitchhiking adventurers that used to cover America’s highways. He is the author of the books Fearless Puppy on American Road and Reincarnation Through Common Sense, has survived heroin addiction and death, and is a graduate of over a hundred thousand miles of travel without ever driving a car, owning a phone, or having a bank account.

Ten Rose and his work are a vibrant part of the present and future as well as an essential remnant of a vanishing breed.

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Travel Adventure Books can be an excellent gift to your friends and family, buy from Amazon.com

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Many thanks to our wonderful friends at the Pema Boutique Hotel for their help and support.

The books Fearless Puppy On American Road and Reincarnation Through Common Sense by this same author are also available through Amazon or the Fearless Puppy website, where there are sample chapters from those books. Entertaining TV/radio interviews with and newspaper articles about the author are also available there. There is no charge for anything but the complete books! All author profits from book sales will be donated to help sponsor an increase in the number of wisdom professionals on Earth, beginning with but certainly not limited to Buddhist monks and nuns.

If you missed the Introduction to the new book that will be titled Temple Dog Soldier, or would like to see several chapters of it that are available for free online, go to the Puppy website Blog section. This is a book in progress. You will be reading it as it is being created! Just like you, I don’t know what the next chapter is going to be about until it is written. As the Intro will tell you, this is a totally true story — and probably the only book ever written by and about a corpse journeying completely around the world!