#everyone at the lowest levels kept their job. but at least at my location a lot of them were literally unable to do the work that they were

[gentaroukisaragi]

I'll be honest gang this episode of If Books Could Kill about the book Who Moved My Cheese? is hitting so close to home someone has thrown a brick through my bedroom window

[knightsimp]

Recovery (2/2)

Pairing: Percival Graves x Reader

Summery: You were right; that was not Percival Graves. So, what are you going to do about it?

Genre: Angst + fluff (I think it’s a sweet ending :D)

Word Count: 2600+

Date Posted: February 14, 2021 (Happy Valentine’s Day!)

Note: None

Part One: Link

“How do you think she is doing, Teenie?” Queenie found herself asking as she and Tina made their way to (Y/N)’s apartment. 

“I’m not sure, but I regret not staying with her for a couple of days.” The girls had no idea what (Y/N) was up to; she had not turned up for work, understandably, for the last five days. Now that it was Friday, they were able to check up on her. 

The sisters looked at each other before Tina knocked on (Y/N)’s door. They chose not to apparate to avoid scaring her. 

“It’s open!” (Y/N)’s muffled voice came through the door. When they entered the apartment, they did not expect such a mess.

The kitchen was a mess, first of all. Pots and pans everywhere, and unwashed dishes piled the sink. 

“In here!” (Y/N) called from the room at the end of the corridor: the bedroom. The bedroom was not any better than the kitchen. From what can be seen by just looking through the bedroom door, (Y/N)’s bed was not made and a couple garments were dumped onto it. Miscellaneous things, such as her hairbrush and a few pieces of clothing, were piling onto her bedside table.

Tina and Queenie were not prepared to see a spew of papers near the wall which was facing the bed. Tina had not known about (Y/N)’s investigation at all, but Queenie knew and did not realize it would get this far and this bad. The small patch of papers that were pinned on the wall, which had been connected together with red string, had taken over the square-ish area and had started to crawl onto the ceiling. 

“Oh my god.” Tina mumbled, looking up at one of the moving snippets from The Daily Prophet. 

“Tina! Queenie!” (Y/N) was at the wall where this collection started. “How are you?” It looked as if (Y/N) just rolled out of bed and got to work. And that was exactly what has been happening the last several days.

“We’re doing alright, (Y/N).” Queenie hesitated for a moment. “How are you?” (Y/N) shrugged her shoulders.

“Tired mostly. I haven’t slept in a couple days, but look! I have made so much progress!” Queenie looked around and found two empty mugs which were, no doubt, once filled with coffee. Tina snapped out of her memorization of the ceiling. 

“Progress?” Tina asked, raising an eyebrow. She slowly put the pieces together. “(Y/N),” pause, “are you trying to figure out where Mr. Graves is?” (Y/N) smile dropped for a moment while she averted her gaze downward. Her enthusiastic smile became a sad one as she fiddled with the delicate gold charm that Percival had gifted to her for a birthday. 

“Well, of course.” (Y/N) looked back at them, speaking softly. “What else am I supposed to do?”

“First, you need to go take a shower.” Tina went behind (Y/N) and pushed her shoulders out of the bedroom to the nearby bathroom. “I don’t mean to be insensitive, but you really do stink. We can smell you from across the room and it is a long room.” 

“Tina’s right!” Queenie agreed, looking at them. “You need to take care of yourself, (Y/N). You are not going to make much progress when you are unconscious from a lack of sleep and proper food.” Before (Y/N) could say anything, Queenie added, “And yes, regardless of what you think, you do need a little freshening up.” With a little more arguing, (Y/N) agreed to at least take a shower. Queenie handed (Y/N) some clothes to change into before she entered her bathroom.

Tina continued to awe at (Y/N)’s investigating. She knew (Y/N) was a brilliant detective, but this was beyond what she thought. She followed it down from the ceiling to the original wall. In the middle of the wall was where everything was connecting to; a photo of (Y/N) and Percival at the Blind Pig. After being constantly reprimanded by Percival, who was really Grindelwald, when he was around, it surprised her that she did not notice the differences between him and the real Percival sooner. Percival was very intimidating and dominating, yes, but he still cared about his subordinates. Grindelwald could not care less unless it was meddling his involvement in MACUSA.

As Tina looked closer into the snippets of newspaper, she noticed how (Y/N) had been investigating all over the city. No doubt she was going to all of these locations. Once a location was visited, it seemed like (Y/N) would pin or make notes on the snippet. 

“No way.”

“Possible, but not probable”

These were only the very general notes being made. It looked like (Y/N) was also communicating with Theseus Scamander in London to make some inquiries in Europe, but nothing came of that.

Tina did not realize how long she was gawking at (Y/N)’s work until she heard the shower stop.

(Y/N) looked as if she was in deep thought when she exited the bathroom. She definitely looked, and smelled, fresher than before.

“(Y/N)?” Tina tried to call out to her. “Are you okay?”

“(Y/N), are you sure?” Queenie came around the corner, overhearing (Y/N) thoughts. “Is that a likely place?”

“What is a likely place?” (Y/N) looked up at Tina. 

“You know how while you take shower or a bath, it is easy to let your mind wander?” Tina nodded. “I think...” She trailed off, again seemingly trying to make sense of her thoughts.

“You think Mr. Graves is at MACUSA!” Queenie gasped. 

“What?” Tina exclaimed. “Explain!”

“There is nowhere else he can be, Tina!” (Y/N) was right, but also sounded like she was grasping at straws. “I have scavenged the city for signs. I even had someone in London make secret inquiries for me. And it is absolutely something Grindelwald would do. If anyone was going to look for the real Percival, they were not going to search MACUSA, a place swarming with talented aurors. And it makes it easier to get ingredients for the Polyjuice potion. No one is going to question Percival Graves if they spot him walking through the building.”

“That is actually genius.” Tina mumbled before clearing her throat. “But where would he be? Like you said, MACUSA always has aurors in the building.”

“MACUSA is big and has been running for decades! There has to be some abandoned areas that are no longer required for work.”

“We can always check.” Queenie suggested. “All three of us work in that building.”

“Though, depending on how large the search area is, we may need help from Picquery.” (Y/N) bit the inside of her cheek. Might as well.

The sun was starting to set when the three women arrived at MACUSA.

“You two stay out here.” (Y/N) told the sisters. “I can’t have you two getting in trouble, especially you, Tina; you just got your job back as an auror.”

(Y/N) stormed into President Picquery’s office. She did not mean to, but her adrenaline took over. The President was clearly in the middle of some sort of meeting. She looked peeved, to say the least.

“Miss (L/N),” she started sternly. “I am glad to see you are feeling better, that being said-”

“Madame President-”

“-I am in the middle of something-”

“I may have figured out where Percival Graves is, ma’am.” The room went silent. “The real Percival Graves.” Picquery’s expression turned from annoyed to serious. 

“Gentlemen, we can reschedule, but I must talk with Miss (L/N) this instant.” The two men in suits left and closed the door behind them, leaving (Y/N) to Seraphina’s mercy. “Miss (L/N).” She let a bit of silence go by. “I’m listening.”

“I believe Percival may be in this building.” Seraphina leaned back in her chair and sighed.

“And what is your proof?”

“The lack of any. Madame President, when I tell you that I have scoured the whole city looking for him, I mean it; that is not an exaggeration. I have been making inquiries in Europe and no one has found anything.” Seraphina continued to stare at her. “Please, at least humor me.”

“And where would he be, (Y/N), if he is in fact here?”

“That is the big question, ma’am; that is why I am here in your office.” She purposefully kept Tina and Queenie out of it to avoid any repercussions they may face if she is wrong. “In my investigation into this theory, I wondered if there are any abandoned areas here in MACUSA. A building and organization this old cannot still be using all of it’s floors.” Then, the realization seemed to hit Seraphina.  

“I can’t believe I am saying this, but you may be onto something, (L/N).” She stood up from her chair and went to the front of her desk, leaning against it. “Some of the lowest floors have not been used in a long time. At least five or six floors. No one goes down there anymore; there is no need.” She led (Y/N) to the door. “I am sending five people to each floor immediately. You and the Goldstein's gather two more aurors and start the search.” (Y/N) wanted to ask how she knew the Goldstein sisters were involved, but quickly shut her mouth. “If you’re wrong, this is a waste of a lot of manpower. People are finishing up their shifts and will be very upset to be searching a good portion of our building when they could be going home.”

“Then, let's hope that I’m not wrong.” Seraphina nodded before heading off to the main floor. Tina and Queenie came closer, seeing as the coast was clear. 

“Miss Goldstein-”

“Find two other aurors and we’ll meet you at the elevator.” Queenie glanced at both the president and (Y/N) before leaving Tina with (Y/N). 

“(Y/N)?” Tina put a hand on her shoulder to stop her for a moment. (Y/N) explained the plan as they made their way to the elevator. 

“We don’t know what or who is down here.” Tina warned, talking to everyone, but keeping her eyes on (Y/N). “Stay alert.” The five of them split up, wands in hand, but stayed close enough to see each other in case of an ambush.

The bottom floor of the building, way under sea level, had definitely been abandoned. The remaining desks down there were dusty and untouched. Whatever else they had down there was the same.

After about half-an-hour, (Y/N) was losing hope; she was hanging on to the thought of finding Percival and it was the only thing keeping her going, but her grip was slipping.

In the relatively silent bottom floor of MACUSA, they could hear the echoing of someone yelling. They can barely make it out, but the words which were projected were very clear: “we found him!”

(Y/N) heart dropped to her stomach. She almost did not believe what she heard. Tina and Queenie caught up to (Y/N) as she ran to the cage elevator, though the elevator was way above where she was, giving her ample space to look up.

“Give me a floor!” (Y/N)’s voice cracked as she yelled up the shaft, trying to get through all of the noise. She got responses for many of the aurors, but she got a general answer: three from the bottom. Percival was supposedly only two floors above where she was. Her breathing was getting a little heavy. 

She looked at the floor before apparating to it. Her team followed. 

“(L/N)!” One of the aurors on the floor called her over. “He’s over here!” (Y/N) almost tripped with how quickly she ran, following the auror. The heels of her shoes made a loud clack every time her feet pummeled onto the floor. 

Her heart was pounding, but it really started hitting hard against her ribs when she saw her first glimpses of him. Her running had come to a halt and she slid on her knees in front of him.

The poor man had been through so much. Whatever skin was showing outside of his torn dress pants and ruffled dress shirt was bruised and his face was home to a black eye. His hair and facial hair had grown way past what he would have tolerated if he was in control of it. He stank of blood, sweat, and dirt.

He was not in a cage or cell; he was, instead, shackled to a support beam by his wrists.

“Percy!” (Y/N) gasped out, holding his almost unconscious face in her shaking hands. It looked like he may have been sleeping to pass the time. “Get medical down here!” A couple of aurors nodded and left to get personal from the medical wing. “Percival, please open your eyes.” 

Slowly, with whatever energy he had, he opened his eyes. He could believe (Y/N) was sitting in front of him, holding his face so gently. The light coming in from behind her made her look oh-so angelic. 

“(Y/N)?” Her name barely passed his lips. 

“Percy! Yes, yes! It’s me!” She could not care less that she was crying; hearing his voice again, the real him, brought her to tears. She let a sob escape. “Oh Merlin, I found you! I finally found you!” In her happiness, she planted tender kisses all over his face. She did not notice when Percival mumbled something to her. 

“Make way!” The healers had arrived with a gurney, ready to take Percival up to the medical wing. (Y/N) was reluctant to let go of him, but did so. She watched as he was taken away from her. 

Queenie, from (Y/N)’s side, gave her a reassuring hug, which the crying auror returned and finally let out her whimpers. 

He was found.

This was the real Percival.

He was alive.

And he was going to be okay.

It took about a full day for Percival to become coherent. He was so void of nutrients and fluids; the man was on the brink of dying. 

What had happened was clear: once Grindelwald was found out, Percival was no longer needed and he was left down there to die. It was horrifying to think what would have happened if (Y/N) had not had that miscellaneous thought in the shower.

When he awoke, (Y/N) was right there, gently holding onto his bruised hand so as to not hurt him further.

“You’re safe now, Percival,” was the first thing she said to him. “Everything will be alright.” Once again, the light coming from behind her made her look ethereal, as if she was an angel. 

His angel.

“I said, I love you.” Percival got out. (Y/N) blinked, thinking she misheard him.

“Percy?”

“I love you, (Y/N) (L/N). I’m not going to let another day pass where I regret telling you that.” (Y/N) looked away, bashful. 

“You need to rest.”

“I mean it-”

She pressed a sweet kiss on the corner of his lips, ignoring the irritation from his beard, before sitting back in her seat. “I know you do. You are not a very flowery man.” He looked at her, a little confused. She gave him a soft chuckle, knowing what he was thinking. “I’m not going anywhere, Percival. I made that mistake once, and look at what happened. I am staying right here.”

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[mystery-salad]

I'm half asleep and can't think of any characters off the top of my head so you can choose but #17 blease. "Nothing is wrong with you."

Oh man I know exactly what I wana do here let’s see if I can get my first piece for Kai out. It’ll be a bit of a time lapse through Icebrood Saga.

“Nothing is wrong with you.”

Arms crossed and arched upright, Kai stared down at her teammate locked in the cell. “Figured my warning to stay alert was taken seriously, turns out I was wrong.”

Braham’s gaze wavers, but to his credit he doesn’t look away. More determination than Kai had expected from him for a while. “I’ve bailed you out, but if this happens again Eirsson you’re on your own and the team moves out regardless.” It earns her an elbow from Caithe at her side and a mumble of being too hard on the guy, but she elects to ignore that for now. He needed to learn the gravity of the situation and she’s been on edge enough without setting foot in a jail she would’ve likely ended up in herself if she had any other job.

“Just grab your shit and lets go.” She unlocks the cell before tossing the keys back onto the warden’s desk, stepping back enough for Braham to pass her and grab his belongings. Burn her, she hopes he didn’t have that bow on him-

“Uh...where’s my bow?” He sounded as on edge as she felt now, asking the warden about it.

“Fuck...”

—————————

She was already uneasy following the commands of another charr again, even if Almorra herself hadn’t touched the legions since leaving to start the Vigil. The call just...rubbed her fur the wrong way.

Turns out, standing in the middle of a keep strewn with dead bodies, her hunch was unfortunately correct.

“Alva. She was...she was one of my guild mates.”

Kai felt a twinge at that, one she elected steadfastly to buckle down on. The past isn’t a place to dwell when the present holds danger. “Keep steady Eirsson. They’re just bodies now, and we’ve got a job to do. Enemy could still be close.”

“...I did...I failed them.” She turned to look at Braham when it was clear he wasn’t hearing her, spotting him kneeled over the crumpled body of, presumably, Alva. Poor girl looked around his age...young.

Shaking her head, Kai strode quickly over to him and put a paw on his shoulder. “We have to keep focused Eirsson. Stay on task. You can mourn after the threat is neutralized.”

He met her gaze again, wavering less but far more unsure, before he gave a nod and stood to continue on. A motion that was interrupted by the sudden sound of a door slamming open in the silence.

“Look. It...it opened.”

—————————

“They...how is this...they betrayed Almorra and Jhavi...killed all those people...”

She let out a frustrated huff as she turned to Braham. “Who are you talking about, the sons of svanir? We already knew that mu-”

“My guildmates...” she could hear the strain in his voice as he said it, and felt that twinge again. And pushed it down again.

“...come on, we need to keep moving.”

—————————

“Wait... Braham Vowbreaker? Raven led you here?”

“Vowbreaker?”

Kai hadn’t met Jhavi before now, had no idea what to make of the apparent legendary daughter. But she wasn’t a fan of how familiar this conversation felt. The twinge was back and getting harder to ignore.

“Oh didn't you know?” Olar, she presumed, stepped closer to the team. To Braham. “That's what they call you in the Shiverpeaks now.”

Burn me...

“I...I own my mistakes, Olar. Now it's your turn.” To his credit, the kid wasn’t shaking. He stood his ground better than she expected given what he’d just been told. But this wasn’t the time for it.

Putting a hand on his shoulder again, she gave Braham a firm pull. “Stand down and step back Eirsson.”

She could see a familiar fire in his eyes as he opened his mouth to defy her. The twinge snapped, and her claws dug into his shoulder hard enough to draw blood as she growled. “I said stand the fuck down Braham!”

That seemed to work, for the moment at least. She’d startled him enough to break the building tension between him and his old guild, for long enough to get through. “You don’t want this on your hands kid. It’s not the same as fighting Icebrood. Take my offer, stand back before it gets worse or I will make you.” There would be a solid silence, save for his old guild still trying to jeer him on. But she kept a firm hold and kept his eyes on her while he thought it over and finally, thankfully gave a tired nod. “Good choice.”

It didn’t take much to nudge him behind the group now that he’d go willingly, and she threw a warning glance at Jhavi before aiming her pistol at what was left of Braham’s old guild.

—————————

She’s always kept to herself, even out here in the cold. She guesses some habits break harder than others even as she put effort in. But small steps still add up to progress. Caithe sat flush against her side by the second fire, clearly determined to steal as much insulation from her fur as possible.

“...you really should talk to him”

She glanced down at the sylvari, a bit surprised by the break in the silent evening. “Talk to who?”

“You know exactly who.” Caithe met her gaze with a small frown, something Kai had come to understand meant disappointment. “We both needed someone when we hit our lowest. The team is sweet but they aren’t going to understand what happened like you do. I know you get it. You stopped him from making the same mistake, now help him figure out how to stop himself.”

She rolled her eyes up to the cloudy sky, acting a lot more exasperated than necessary as she hid her discomfort. “You’re joining the other fire and telling him for me. If I go over there they’ll all think they’re in trouble again.”

Caithe stood in response, expression softening as she leaned up to kiss Kai’s muzzle. “Try to relax so you don’t start a fight, you both need this.” The charr let out an indignant huff in response, watching Caithe join the team and shortly after watching a much bigger silhouette walk warily over to her more private location.

“...Eirsson.” A gesture to a seatacross from her brought Braham to eye level over the fire. He was clearly uneasy and she knew the team was still adjusting to her efforts to be less...harsh. “Relax a bit, I’m not going to bite your head off and you’re gonna waste your energy like that.”

The words seemed to help.

...a little.

“Look, I just wanted to say...you did good out there. Given the situation. You’ve followed orders from the start even if you don’t seem to hear em half the time here.”

He seemed surprised by the words, compliments were never Kai’s strongsuit on the best of days and, to her own chagrin now, she realized this was probably the first time she really praised someone on the team. But that was a concern for when there weren’t more pressing topics.

“...Jhavi called you Oathbreaker. Said all the norn call you that now.”

She could see his wince lit up by the fire, showing well how he felt about it. Yet he was still trying to put on a brave face. “I left my team, we’d...failed to take down Jormag, and I ran. I broke my oath.”

She gave a small nod in response, “You did break an oath. But it wasn’t one you could’ve capably kept with a small team anyways. Jormag was coming whether you fought or not. As were betrayals.”

“No! It was my destiny, I followed the legend! I cracked the tooth, and then I failed. I broke my oath and now everyone’s paying for it because I couldn’t do what I was supposed to.” His voice wavered and his gaze broke from hers at last to look down at the flames dancing between the two.

“...I failed too, you know.” Her posture was tense as she spoke, a tale she’d never truly be prepared to share herself, and never had since it was infamous enough. But now it was needed. “Got all the way to the flame legion camp only to find out my right hand already betrayed me. The only blood on my fur that day was from my own legion.”

Braham was silent. Whether from a lack of listening or surprise that she was sharing, Kai had no idea. But she pressed on. “Found out only after I got back from another job that my running for tribune had been rejected, and I was no longer welcome. I killed a lot of legionaries that day. To away from a life sentence.” She took a deep breath, shakier than she’d like to admit and thankful for the wavering flames creating too much motion for Braham to notice if he looked back up. “You fucked up kid. But that doesn’t mean everything halts until you make it right. Some things are too fucked to fix, and you’ve just gotta move forward to the next option.”

She let the silence hang as she gathered her own thoughts again after saying all that. To her surprise, Braham spoke up in her place. “...I was supposed to live up to my mom. She’s supposed to be proud of m-“

“No. Fuck legacy. I don’t care who your mom was, you’re the person on my team. All I want you to live up to is your own potential here. Nothing is wrong with you Braham.”

“My mother was a great warrior!” He seemed to bristle at the idea of throwing that away.

“She was, yeah. So were my sires. And you know what? That legacy did jack shit for my own life once I didn’t perfectly meet the bloodline standard. You can hold her up on whatever pedestal you want, but it better not be over your fucking own.” Her fur stood on her end, on the verge of snarling as she spat out more information she hadn’t intended to share but realized she needed to. “The team wants you here, not Eir. At the very least, respect that fact and do what you’re here to do instead of what the norn want you to do.”

All the energy left Braham at once, the momentary aggression, the wariness of being lectured, everything. He slumped in his seat low enough that Kai actually had to tilt her head down a little. “...you really think we can do this?”

She couldn’t help an indignant snort at that. “Think? We’ve dealt with worse. Whatever’s going on here won’t last. We will.”

[queenofmoons67]

something wild (calls you home): chapter four

Word Count: 2012

Hey everyone! Sorry this is a bit late, yesterday was really busy. I hope you all enjoy the new chapter!

WARNING for dehumanization (other characters feed Kotetsu dog food, and give him a collar).

Thank you to my beta @bookdancerfics!

Chapter 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5: Kotetsu and Agnes

Agnes had not woken up that morning, nearly twenty hours before, anticipating a missing hero. She also hadn’t expected to be volunteering to take care of a dog. But the heroes needed to be able to focus; after so long missing their friend, they had started coming apart at the seams. She didn’t blame them, of course.

As shocking as it was to realize, she missed Wild Tiger, too. His friendly flirtations, his annoying habit of putting everything—including her show—on the line, his nonstop talking—they had all become part of her daily routine. While she wouldn’t say she loved the hero, she wouldn’t say she hated him, either. And she definitely didn’t want him gone.

She couldn’t say she wanted him back as badly as his fellow heroes did, though. They were the ones who had gone out at night to look for him, despite orders to go home and rest. Keith, Karina, Ivan, and Pao-lin could pretend all they wanted that the call had woken them all up, but she knew as well as they did that the three teens had bullied Keith into taking them with him on his nightly patrol.

And Antonio was no better—that hero lived nowhere near where Tiger’s call band was found; the only way he made it there first was if he grew wings, or if he’d already been in the area.

Barnaby’s new dog had given them all what they desperately needed: hope, and a break from their nerves and anxiety. But the problem was that they didn’t need the latter right now. They needed that hours from now, when every inch of their new lead had been exhausted and they had time to rest. They needed that when their hope was at its lowest.

Agnes twisted in the passenger seat, bracing her arm against the center console and peering into the back. Cain was driving, which left Orlando with the equipment and Charlie.

The dog had squished himself all the way up against the back of the console. Despite the problems with Charlie’s legs that Barnaby had quickly told her, the dog was stubbornly remaining upright and relying on Orlando bracing him so that he didn’t fall over on the turns.

“You better not hurt yourself,” she told Charlie.

His eyebrows furrowed as he peered up at her, panting from the effort of standing. Cain coughed, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge she was talking to a dog.

“Those heroes are going to need you, you hear me? Regardless of whether or not we find Tiger, and regardless of if he’s alive or…” Agnes trailed off. He wasn’t dead yet. He was missing, and gone, but not dead. Not yet. Not yet.

She reached back and rubbed Charlie’s head.

“We have to keep you in the best shape possible.” She turned away sharply, staring out at the street before them. “Make a stop at the nearest 24/7 pet store, Cain. And hurry up.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Kotetsu stepped carefully out of the van, but his haunches pushed off the last step and sent his hind-paws to the ground more heavily than he would have liked. His entire body shook as it absorbed the shock—and then three different pairs of hands were steadying him.

“Careful, Charlie,” Agnes sniffed, already turning away when he looked up.

“Careful, Charlie,” Cain and Orlando echoed. The latter turned away to follow Agnes into Apollon Media, but the former gave his side a few reassuring pats.

“Come on, bud,” Cain said. “Let’s get some food in you. That sounds pretty good, right?”

Kotetsu followed them, but his ear twitched restlessly. Food did sound pretty good right now, considering he hadn’t eaten anything since dinner more than twenty-four hours before, but he wanted human food. Not—his nose twitched, taking in the strong scent of fake meat and bread all mashed together and dried. Not whatever dog food they had picked up at the store.

A hand landed on his head, and Kotetsu skittered to the side, head twisting to side-eye Cain. The man had stopped beside him, but his hands had pulled up to his chest—where Kotetsu couldn’t reach them.

“Sorry, Charlie,” Cain said. “I should have let you know I was there.”

Kotetsu didn’t know what to say. Not that that really mattered.

“You walked right past us, bud.”

Kotetsu frowned. What? No, they had barely entered the building—

A bag ripped open, and Kotetsu jumped again, peering around Cain’s legs. Orlando looked back at him, frozen in front of an open food bag with a bowl in one hand and a measuring cup in the other.

“Are you hungry, Charlie?” Agnes asked, leaning over him.

Kotetsu started to back away, unsure what was wrong other than that he hated having her loom over him like that, only for his hind-legs to collapse underneath him again. They just would not stop doing that.

Agnes did back up, though, so at least there was that.

“We’re just going to hang out in the lobby, okay, bud?” Cain said. “That way we don’t miss the heroes when they get back, and you have room to move around.”

That… made sense, Kotetsu guessed. He had been moving on autopilot. Not even a year in this building, but he was already used to heading up to the office with Bunny.

He missed going to work already, and he’d only missed a day.

It had only been a day.

He had wanted to go to the office.

Kotetsu was already sitting. It was only too easy to lay the rest of the way down, set his head on his paws, and close his eyes.

Agnes’s heels clicked away in a fast tempo, then clicked back even faster. She came to a stop right in front of him.

“Charlie.”

Kotetsu ignored her.

“Charlie, you need to eat.”

“I’m sleeping until I’m human again, Agnes,” Kotetsu mumbled.

The smell of dog food wafted into his nose, too close to be more than a foot away from him. Kotetsu turned his head away.

“And I’m definitely not eating dog food.”

Something shifted in front of him. There was the clicking of Agnes’s heels again, the slapping of skin on tile—and then he could smell a mix of film, printer ink, and faded perfume. Agnes, undoubtably. Except… except she hadn’t reapplied perfume in a long time. But she always came to work wearing perfume, why hadn’t she—?

Kotetsu cracked an eye open to see Agnes kneeling before him and holding one hand out. She stared down at him, expression even.

“What did I say about keeping you in shape, Charlie?” she asked.

For the heroes. Kotetsu opened his eyes all the way. The food still looked unappetizing. It was dehumanizing, but then he wasn’t human right now, was he? He was a dog. He might be a dog for the rest of his life, and there was very little he could do about that now that he had tracked down his last location as a real man.

He might not be a hero again.

He might not get to see his little girl again, or his mom or brother.

But for the heroes… his friends, his family… he could be there as a dog. He could be there as the best dog there ever was, and support them in whatever way his current form allowed. Just like he had already tried to do.

Kotetsu stood up slowly. Bunny had already lost his parents, and now he might lose his partner, too. Nathan and Antonio might lose their best friend. And the other heroes… they were all so young, even Keith. They had lost heroes on the job before, but this would be different. He would… if they didn’t figure out how to turn him back, he would just disappear.

Kotetsu leaned down, took his first bite, and swallowed. For his family.

He took another. It actually didn’t taste that bad. Better than it smelled, at least.

Agnes smoothed a hand down his head and clicked a collar into place. “Thank you, Charlie,” she whispered.

Kotetsu ignored both her and the collar and kept eating. He had to keep up his strength and finish getting used to his new body.

For his family.

Agnes stirred when the lobby doors whooshed open. Groaning, she opened her eyes to see the sun, only just peaking over the horizon, cast halos over the heroes entering the building. It outlined the slump of their shoulders, the way their legs dragged—and Agnes knew.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up. Her muscles ached from sleeping in a chair, but she ignored them. There were more important things to focus on.

“Nothing?” she asked, voice echoing in the large space. Orlando and Cain jolted awake on the couch. Rock Bison shook his head, and Charlie—Charlie bolted.

The dog had been resting by the table. He had refused to settle at any of their feet, or even by the heater, and the last she had seen of him was his head resting on his paws, ears pricked toward the door. Now, though, his legs scrambled under him, claws skittering across the tile for only a second before they found purchase and propelled him toward the heroes, Barnaby and Fire Emblem at the front.

“Barnaby!” she called. “Barnaby, watch—!”

Charlie leapt at Barnaby, his paws colliding with the hero’s chest. If he had been wearing his suit, it wouldn’t have done much, but he had been in a hurry to get out and hadn’t bothered with it, so the leap knocked him back into Fire Emblem, who tried to steady him.

Both heroes were dead on their feet, though, and Fire Emblem was in no way prepared to catch both a fully grown man and a medium-sized dog. All three of them fell back into the other heroes, and in a matter of seconds, Charlie was standing in the middle of six downed heroes and a steady Rock Bison. He took the opportunity to jump from one to the next, nosing at their bodies and collecting pets while they were all at his level.

Agnes groaned and shook her head. That was not what she had meant, but… well. She guessed it was ok.

Origami Cyclone, Blue Rose, and Dragon Kid were all giggling, though that was probably also from lack of sleep. Sky High and Fire Emblem were both smiling. Rock Bison actually sighed and sat down next to his fellow heroes, giving Charlie a quick pat when he was next to him. Barnaby, though… Agnes frowned.

“Charlie, come here,” Barnaby ordered. He patted his own thigh as he walked toward the elevators. He took the bag of dog things Cain held out with a muttered thank you. “Agnes, we’ll be in the staff room. Please wake me in a few hours?”

“Of course,” she said, though she didn’t bother to check the current time. He would wake when his body was ready, and not before. He would have Charlie, she noted, watching as the dog disentangled himself from the other heroes and trotted after Barnaby, tongue lolling happily. Wild Tiger… Agnes sat back down, opened her bag, and pulled out her laptop. As much as she hated to admit it, they weren’t going to find him any time soon. Not after their one lead faded to nothing. Barnaby could afford to take care of himself.

“What are you all waiting for?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at the heroes. “Get some sleep! I’ll see what I can do from here in the meantime.”

They could all afford to take care of themselves. They needed Charlie now, but Wild Tiger would need them twice as much when they got him back.

Agnes turned back to her screen, fingers clacking across the keyboard as she wrote emails to the mayors and police commissioners of all the cities in a hundred mile radius. They would get him back.

She didn’t want to know what they would do if they didn’t.

Next Up: Kotetsu and Barnaby 2. Second verse, same as the first. A little bit harder and a whole lot worse. Or, in which Kotetsu takes off running and so does this fic.

[theprivilegedshatlord-blog]

I am the friend known as “H” from CancerChaser blog in Chapter 6

I am here to corroborate what my friend said and provide my side of the story of this situation. Walhartonsclub (WC) told me about CancerChaser (CC) back in 2016 after the first incident where CC was wiling out on WC because of what seemed to a misunderstanding of affording a phone. I initially told WC to ignore him because he was not worth shit or at least is what I initially thought. From there he kept me informed about what CC did throughout.Now to go into when i was first referenced in the chronicles about CancerChaser. From what I knew at the time, CC asked WC to send emails over and over from phone to his email. Have no idea why would he need WC to do that. He could have used something like Imgur. Given that CC had a phone that was not a smartphone based on what I was told, it would probably be impossible. Of course trying to make simple suggestions to him like this is enough to make CC go into a hair-triggering temper tantrum, so there is no use to try to convince him to upgrade. It was 2016, being up to date shouldn’t be too hard, you can even get refurbished smartphones for a fraction of full retail price. My parents have the latest phones and they are older than CC by decades. Why did CC chose WC instead of other friends for these favors is beyond me. So he asked and asked and asked WC to send him these pics over and over. WC complied with generosity. WC likes to please his friends. He has pleased me multiple times. He also tries to be the best person he can be. Needless to say CC took advantage of him.So when it came time for CC return the favor, he was resistant initially. When he finally did start playing, he did until after half of the game was over. The game was Spring Breeze from Kirby’s Super Star on Super NIntendo. Did you know that Spring Breeze is a remake of the original Kirby’s Dream Land on Game Boy with a missing level and boss? So CC did not even bother finishing such a short abridged game. That betrayal was just foul play on CC’s end.

Then CC would later use WC’s insecurities to gain him back and asked for more favors. WC then approached me on rethinking the situation. I initially thought that he probably did not like the game and was bored. I made the suggestion to pick a game that has much less interaction. Like some touch screen DS or 3DS game. WC brought up Warioware Twisted Touched!, so I thought would be a good choice there. My reasoning is that CC probably has no real interest in video games. I have heard that he has play Super Mario Bros. 3 growing up. Which makes me realize that CC is a very casual non-gamer person.

Reading the situation in question at Chapter 5 reveals that CC had been simply holding the controller where the direction pad in the upper right corner and seemingly pressed no buttons which means he was faking interest and had no intention at all to return the favor. He really should have said that he had no interest in playing video games. He was lying to manipulate WC. Which comes to no surprise that CC refused to play Warioware Twisted Touched! when asked. He cannot play easy games. He cannot play very simple games. But he would lie about having an interest only for him to evade that with excuses. With friends like these who needs bullies?

The next time I was involved was when WC was having his panic attack resulting from personal issues that are stated in Chapter 6. I have received certain pictures that hinted that he was contemplating suicide. Being under vacation time from my job, I decided to actually come see WC to check up on him myself. When I saw him, he was sitting on a couch. When he saw me he was excited to see me I asked if he took any of the pills or hurt himself, he told me that he gave himself more time to think about it. Perhaps to think about the people that love him.

He told me about the situation that led up to the panic attack. Best way to describe what was happening without revealing confidential information is that someone was very sick and emotions erupted. I had told him that he needs more time to hang out with friends. We not only did Spring Breeze in full, but also Meta Knight’s Revenge, Dyna Blade, and Great Cave Offensive as well. Games in that collection that are larger than Spring Breeze. We did not get to do Milky Way Wishes that day, but we did eventually got to do it at another time. We also played Brawl Brothers, all I remember is that there was a code to play the Japanese version and we did that and completed the game. It was short at 5 levels long. We also played Events in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. We did not clear all of the event, only some but we did have fun.

At Applebees we discussed the situation further. There I learned that he had sent the same pics to other friends as well which made me concerned. I thought that WC was going to get a wellness check on him or worse be committed to a mental ward for days. I only knew one recipient among the 7 besides myself (I never met CC in person). The person I knew is a mutual friend. The mutual friend never really got to see the messages, so he was unaware (it reached an old phone and when he got a new one, the messages were deleted). The mutual was relieved to know that WC was okay and felt better. And yes the mutual is informed of CC and his bullshit antics; I can confirm that he heavily resents CC, as I do.

So I had to get WC to do damage control to avoid being institutionalized. As information like this can scare people and be irrational. We needed for cooler heads to prevail. So WC told everyone that it was for attention. So WC can still run his panel at a upcoming convention and not be stuck that weekend in a mental hospital. He really needed to avoid the ruining of plans like that.

After all, my cousin once told me about the one time she told exactly one person that she felt suicidal because an aunt of hers  being diagnosed of cancer (from her dad’ side, I’m related through our moms being sisters). Telling her best friend was enough for the BF to call the ambulance and my cousin had to stay in a mental ward for 16 days!

CC’s response was very callous. As far as I know, he never asked what was going on around that time. He just stayed silent and only responded with that shitty “I knew it” bullshit when he received a fucking coverup. WC was crying for help and I answered the call. I live 2 hours away and this asshat lives minutes away in walking speed, yet gives radio silence to someone he calls himself a friend to, is mere blocks away, while I invest in gas and mileage to make sure WC is okay. Some friend CC is. For someone who claims to be “a good friend” in his hate mail; he sure shows no effort in even trying to check up on him. Real piece of scum CC is.

I later go to see the panel and I liked it. Which comes to no surprise in my perspective. The next day I played Streets of Rage 1 with WC. The only other thing I remember is that there was some dude I met who was in a wheelchair because he broke his foot days before.

Now for my thoughts about CancerChaser and his narcissism.

Walhartonsclub would later work for New York Comic-Con and buy the Super NES Classic. Which meant for the later part of September and early October he would be very busy. He also was seeking for connections, so there would not be any room for free time. CancerChaser did not give a shit about the adult responsibilities WC had to do. And despite CC being older than WC, CC would not take no for an answer and start guilt tripping WC. Having enough of CC’s scummy actions, WC finally cut ties. This was met with harassment and hatemail. Which truly shows CC’s irredeemable character in full form.

CC is a fucking disgrace to everything it means to being gay. If I was gay, I would rather live in a fucking fraternity of homophobic bullies that to ever have anything to do with CC. This old man never seemed to learn a single thing about accountability or responsibility. How dare does he interfere with a job? What gives him the right to call his target for the simple reason to give expletives to him? And his emails? Disgusting does not come close. Making empty threats to for law enforcement for intimidation and truly showing his true colors on how he uses people only to claim they are useless after the fact. And his latest unprovoked email where he makes more empty threats and more shitty insults is fucked up. I have heard that CC passed by a block away from WC’s home twice after 2017. That is obvious projection. CC’s knows WC’s location. Clearly CC is the stalker. Stalking close to his target’s home and then acts like he is the victim and being harassed is scummy behavior. I have never seen such a scummy person ever as far as stalkers and harassers go.

I honestly have no consideration for him as a human being. If he receives anything terrible short of death, it is karma. He deserves nothing but negativity and hate. This man is among the lowest of monsters. I have had to deal with people with psychosis several years ago, but this man is worse by the power of 10. There is bad people and there is EXTREME SCUM. CancerChaser is the latter. The only people worse than CancerChaser are child rapists, pedophiles, murderers, terrorists, abusive parents, and human traffickers. All those aside, CancerChaser is the worst kind of person out there. Fuck this man. Fuck him HARD!

And finally I got one thing to announce. I get the feeling that people do not really want to read long as fuck posts like this on tumblr. I am going to fix that. I am going to working on readings of the CancerChaser blog and post them on YouTube so people who don’t really care about reading essays can listen to the situation as well. Because we really to expose CancerChaser and let tons of people know who much inhumane scumbag CC truly is.

[bbclesmis]

Lily Collins Gets Candid: GLAMOUR’s December cover star on Les Misérables and success on HER terms

2018 was the year of fearless female performances but THE TV Christmas blockbuster, Les Misérables, saves the best for last with Lily Collins’ star turn as Fantine. Here she navigates the minefield of millennial dating, -13°C locations and a late-twenties crisis with GLAMOUR’S Josh Newis-Smith.

“I’ve been ghosted more times than I care to admit,” Lily confesses, as we discuss the minefield that is millennial dating. Adorned in a slouchy black hoodie with her hair scraped back into a care-free ponytail and barely a lick of make-up, Lily could be any twenty-something in debrief mode.

In fact, the only indication that this is a Golden Globe nominee who since starting to act at the age of two, has carved a place for herself as a go-to starlet – in such varied roles in Rules Don’t Apply, Mirror Mirror and Love, Rosie- is the vast Hollywood home that plays backdrop to our interview and her GLAMOUR cover shoot.

About to hit our screens in her career-defining role as Fantine, who is dumped unceremoniously by her lover - Victorian ghosting if you will - and left to fend for her child alone, we are musing on how, just like the iconic character, Lily has navigated her own fair share of heart ache. “There are times when I’ve [been on dates and] thought we had a great time and then I’ve never heard from the guy again,” she continues. With this level of ‘gal pal’ magnetism it’s no wonder she has garnered 11 million Instagram followers, and counting. “Sometimes that happens after one date, a couple of dates or one month. I would prefer people to be honest with me, as I live like that. I don’t think it will be something I can ever figure out. The good thing is that we all have the same issues.” Alexa, play Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande...

Both 29 years old, we quickly bond over that late-twenties crisis, too. “Everyone in their late twenties goes through it a bit, because we’re heading to the big 3-0,” she reassures me. “But I think I had a quarter-life crisis at 25 where I kept asking, ‘Am I at where I wish to be at?’ I never really set out as a kid with markers of when I want to get married or have kids. But I got to the age where you constantly compare yourself to your friends or other people in your industry.”

It’s this level of realism that makes her performance as the ultimate fallen female, Fantine, so damn relatable, despite the fact it was shot in inconceivable sub-zero conditions in Brussels over a grueling five-month period. One scene, in the opening episode, sees a thoroughly modern-feeling Fantine squatting in the bushes alongside her wing women, discussing the gents on offer. “When our director, Tom (Shankland) was describing it as, ‘You are going to be squatting, having a chat,’ I thought, ‘Well, I can’t say I haven’t done that,’” Lily laughs. “People have been doing this for centuries – that camaraderie between women and men going to the bathroom and having chats, where it’s all about the subtext and the looks.”  

Alas, poor Fantine didn’t have a rival nightclub to the local tavern, or Tinder, in her weaponry to help find a knight in shining armour to rescue her from her inevitable fall. Swiping right isn’t something that interests Lily, either. “I’ve never tried a dating app,” she exclaims with her trademark eyebrows alive with energy. “Lots of my friends have, but it’s just that I don’t know how I would. LA is very much where I spent most of my time growing up, so I know the places I am not going to go to meet somebody and I also realise that when you’re not looking, you find it.”

Lily is grounded, which is no mean feat given that she grew up surrounded by fame as the daughter of the Easy Lover hitmaker, Phil Collins. There’s no name-checking of famous faces, only her closest pals, a pool of Californian friends from Harvard-Westlake School who have enabled her to achieve that much-lauded term: balance. She has worked hard to have her Destiny’s Child ‘Independent Woman’ moment.

“Growing up I never wanted that to be a part of my story,” Lily confides. “Obviously I’m super-proud of my dad; I love my dad, I’m grateful for all the things I’ve learned, but it’s also something I wanted to define as my own. I always wanted to do it myself and for myself. There are so many people who want to do what I do, a name is not going to get you a job, and it shouldn’t. I can look back and be so proud I did it on my own. People assume it’s a lot easier when you have that name, but if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want to use it, it’s a lot harder.”

Part of Lily taking control of her own narrative involved her penning her memoir, Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me just under two years ago, something that she regards as the “most cathartic, therapeutic experience, in a way I didn’t anticipate”. In the emotional read, Lily confesses to hacking away at those eyebrows to fit in with the skinny-browed girls at school, details an unnamed emotionally abusive relationship, discusses a long and winding journey with eating disorders, and contains an open letter, forgiving her father, “for not always being there,” during her childhood after moving from Surrey to LA with her mother, Jill Tavelman following her parents’ divorce. For an industry in which personal lives are hidden by a velvet curtain, it was beyond brave.

Reminiscing, Lily details how the book’s direction took an unexpected turn, “I realised I was carrying so much baggage that, when it came to work, I couldn’t take on the baggage of my character. I felt a bit like a fraud to myself if I didn’t unleash – or at least get off my chest – these things, to move on and go into the next phase of my life. In life, when you dig the deepest and talk about the most uncomfortable things, that’s the time you’ll connect with most people because that’s when you’re being the ‘realest’. The hardest things to talk about will always be the most relatable, because no one wants to show them; they’re awkward.”

Used to shedding excess baggage, Lily had to leave everything at the French border to play what is set to become a career-defining role as Fantine. As she proudly scrolls through her phone to show her transformation from debutante darling to shaven-haired dishevelled wench, her enthusiasm is as big as her brows as she details the most testing part of taking on this role. “The material, the location, the temperature,” she admits were the biggest challenges. But it’s clear she relished getting gritty. “It was so perfect, but at one point it was -13°C in Brussels. It was mental preparation of not just understanding the psychology of what she’s going through, but also the gruelling shooting experience that we were all in. Dressed in little material towards the end, it was about pushing through mentally. Obviously, I saw the end in sight. I dive in 110%. If I’m freezing, tired and bruised from shooting, I lean into that with the character.”

In a year where toxic masculinity has led to outpourings of female empowerment, it seems an ideal time to revisit the treatment of this infamous female character; something that isn’t lost on Lily. “When she falls, she falls so hard. But she’s willing to stay down there if it means providing for her child. It’s very poignant over what’s happening in today’s world. When we’re at our lowest, we still have our sense of self and are willing to fight back and use our voice. That really resonated with me.”

How does she feel in the wake of the year where Hollywood finally got woke on the abuse of power? “It’s great to see the camaraderie that’s come from it. Women coming forward with these issues are being embraced. Whether it’s in the pay gap or having more female directors, writers, and making sure there are just as many women and men on movie sets – hopefully one day this won’t even have to be a conversation. That’s my hope that we won’t have to say, ‘’I’m so glad you’re hired because you’re a female. It should be that you are known for your skill level… Right now, it’s fantastic, but it shouldn’t be why a woman is defined as amazing.”

As a result, Lily is feeling more empowered than ever before. “Yeah, I am, 100%,” she says. “I’ve realised that I can’t control what other people think of what I have to say, but I can control how I say it and where it’s coming from. So many women have come out and spoken about things that people would have assumed would have been the end of them. Now it is embraced for us to speak out. I’m attracted so strongly to people who are brave and outspoken and very much themselves, so I thought, ‘Why can’t I be that?’ It takes practice and I’m not fully there yet, but I’m doing my best to take those steps.”

This self-crafted confidence is exactly why Lily was attracted to the challenge of creating and directing her own GLAMOUR shoot, shot on a mobile phone during a fitting with super-stylists Rob Zangardi and Mariel Haenn. “I love expressing different sides of myself,” she exclaims, referencing her Giambattista Valli gown she wore for her cover. “It’s a process that allows me to constantly surprise myself, rediscover and push myself in ways I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with a couple of years ago.” One thing is for certain, you shouldn’t underestimate this ultimate Hollywood ‘doer’; she curled her own hair and specifically asked for the pictures not to be retouched, too.

Away from Hollywood and couture, Lily will be living her best Cameron Diaz lyf circa The Holiday this Christmas. “It’s my time to switch off from my job, sleep in and be British – I love holing myself away where no one can bother me. I love being in the countryside, outside London, with my mum. We get our tree, we have decorations from when I’m younger. We cook. We have fires and watch old movies,” Lily shares in a manner of an over-excited elf.

It’s safe to say the Christmas cracker that will really bring a bang to your festivities is Lily Collins in Les Misérables. Plus, dear wise men and women, this star with her rare empowering gifts is well worth following, far and wide.

Les Misérables will start on the BBC on 30th December. (x)

[lilycollinsnews]

Lily Collins Gets Candid: GLAMOUR’s December cover star on Les Misérables and success on HER terms

2018 was the year of fearless female performances but THE TV Christmas blockbuster, Les Misérables, saves the best for last with Lily Collins’ star turn as Fantine. Here she navigates the minefield of millennial dating, -13°C locations and a late-twenties crisis with GLAMOUR’S Josh Newis-Smith.

“I’ve been ghosted more times than I care to admit,” Lily confesses, as we discuss the minefield that is millennial dating. Adorned in a slouchy black hoodie with her hair scraped back into a care-free ponytail and barely a lick of make-up, Lily could be any twenty-something in debrief mode.

In fact, the only indication that this is a Golden Globe nominee who since starting to act at the age of two, has carved a place for herself as a go-to starlet in such varied roles in Rules Don’t Apply, Mirror Mirror and Love, Rosie- is the vast Hollywood home that plays backdrop to our interview and her GLAMOUR cover shoot.

I’ve been ghosted more times than I care to admit… I would prefer people to be honest with me, as I live like that. I don’t think it will be something I can ever figure out. The good thing is that we all have the same issues 

ON DATING

About to hit our screens in her career-defining role as Fantine, who is dumped unceremoniously by her lover - Victorian ghosting if you will - and left to fend for her child alone, we are musing on how, just like the iconic character, Lily has navigated her own fair share of heart ache. 

“There are times when I’ve [been on dates and] thought we had a great time and then I’ve never heard from the guy again,” she continues. With this level of ‘gal pal’ magnetism it’s no wonder she has garnered 11 million Instagram followers, and counting. “Sometimes that happens after one date, a couple of dates or one month. I would prefer people to be honest with me, as I live like that. I don’t think it will be something I can ever figure out. The good thing is that we all have the same issues.” Alexa, play Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande...

Both 29 years old, we quickly bond over that late-twenties crisis, too. “Everyone in their late twenties goes through it a bit, because we’re heading to the big 3-0,” she reassures me. 

“But I think I had a quarter-life crisis at 25 where I kept asking, ‘Am I at where I wish to be at?’ I never really set out as a kid with markers of when I want to get married or have kids. But I got to the age where you constantly compare yourself to your friends or other people in your industry.”

It’s this level of realism that makes her performance as the ultimate fallen female, Fantine, so damn relatable, despite the fact it was shot in inconceivable sub-zero conditions in Brussels over a grueling five-month period. One scene, in the opening episode, sees a thoroughly modern-feeling Fantine squatting in the bushes alongside her wing women, discussing the gents on offer. 

“When our director, Tom (Shankland) was describing it as, ‘You are going to be squatting, having a chat,’ I thought, ‘Well, I can’t say I haven’t done that,’” Lily laughs. “People have been doing this for centuries – that camaraderie between women and men going to the bathroom and having chats, where it’s all about the subtext and the looks.”

Growing up I never wanted that to be a part of my story… People assume it’s a lot easier when you have that name, but if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want to use it, it’s a lot harder.

ON HER FAMOUS SURNAME

Alas, poor Fantine didn’t have a rival nightclub to the local tavern, or Tinder, in her weaponry to help find a knight in shining armour to rescue her from her inevitable fall. Swiping right isn’t something that interests Lily, either. “I’ve never tried a dating app,” she exclaims with her trademark eyebrows alive with energy. “Lots of my friends have, but it’s just that I don’t know how I would. LA is very much where I spent most of my time growing up, so I know the places I am not going to go to meet somebody and I also realise that when you’re not looking, you find it.”

Lily is grounded, which is no mean feat given that she grew up surrounded by fame as the daughter of the Easy Lover hitmaker, Phil Collins. There’s no name-checking of famous faces, only her closest pals, a pool of Californian friends from Harvard-Westlake School who have enabled her to achieve that much-lauded term: balance. She has worked hard to have her Destiny’s Child ‘Independent Woman’ moment.

Why we've got such a style crush on Lily Collins

LILY COLLINS

Why we've got such a style crush on Lily Collins

“Growing up I never wanted that to be a part of my story,” Lily confides. “Obviously I’m super-proud of my dad; I love my dad, I’m grateful for all the things I’ve learned, but it’s also something I wanted to define as my own. I always wanted to do it myself and for myself. There are so many people who want to do what I do, a name is not going to get you a job, and it shouldn’t. I can look back and be so proud I did it on my own. People assume it’s a lot easier when you have that name, but if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t want to use it, it’s a lot harder.”

When you dig the deepest and talk about the most uncomfortable things, that’s the time you’ll connect with most people because that’s when you’re being the ‘realest’. The hardest things to talk about will always be the most relatable because no one wants to show them; they’re awkward.

ON SHARING HER PERSONAL STRUGGLES

Part of Lily taking control of her own narrative involved her penning her memoir, Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Mejust under two years ago, something that she regards as the “most cathartic, therapeutic experience, in a way I didn’t anticipate”. In the emotional read, Lily confesses to hacking away at those eyebrows to fit in with the skinny-browed girls at school, details an unnamed emotionally abusive relationship, discusses a long and winding journey with eating disorders, and contains an open letter, forgiving her father, “for not always being there,” during her childhood after moving from Surrey to LA with her mother, Jill Tavelman following her parents’ divorce. For an industry in which personal lives are hidden by a velvet curtain, it was beyond brave.

Reminiscing, Lily details how the book’s direction took an unexpected turn, “I realised I was carrying so much baggage that, when it came to work, I couldn’t take on the baggage of my character. I felt a bit like a fraud to myself if I didn’t unleash – or at least get off my chest – these things, to move on and go into the next phase of my life. In life, when you dig the deepest and talk about the most uncomfortable things, that’s the time you’ll connect with most people because that’s when you’re being the ‘realest’. The hardest things to talk about will always be the most relatable, because no one wants to show them; they’re awkward.”

At one point it was -13°C in Austria… dressed in little material towards the end, it was about pushing through mentally. I dive in 110%. If I’m freezing, tired and bruised from shooting, I lean into that with the character.

ON PLAYING FANTINE

Used to shedding excess baggage, Lily had to leave everything at the French border to play what is set to become a career-defining role as Fantine. As she proudly scrolls through her phone to show her transformation from debutante darling to shaven-haired dishevelled wench, her enthusiasm is as big as her brows as she details the most testing part of taking on this role. “The material, the location, the temperature,” she admits were the biggest challenges. But it’s clear she relished getting gritty. “It was so perfect, but at one point it was -13°C in Brussels. It was mental preparation of not just understanding the psychology of what she’s going through, but also the gruelling shooting experience that we were all in. Dressed in little material towards the end, it was about pushing through mentally. Obviously, I saw the end in sight. I dive in 110%. If I’m freezing, tired and bruised from shooting, I lean into that with the character.”

In a year where toxic masculinity has led to outpourings of female empowerment, it seems an ideal time to revisit the treatment of this infamous female character; something that isn’t lost on Lily. “When she falls, she falls so hard. But she’s willing to stay down there if it means providing for her child. It’s very poignant over what’s happening in today’s world. When we’re at our lowest, we still have our sense of self and are willing to fight back and use our voice. That really resonated with me.”

I’m attracted so strongly to people who are brave and outspoken and very much themselves, so I thought, ‘Why can’t I be that?’ It takes practice and I’m not fully there yet, but I’m doing my best to take those steps.ON 2018’S CRUSADERS

How does she feel in the wake of the year where Hollywood finally got woke on the abuse of power? “It’s great to see the camaraderie that’s come from it. Women coming forward with these issues are being embraced. Whether it’s in the pay gap or having more female directors, writers, and making sure there are just as many women and men on movie sets – hopefully one day this won’t even have to be a conversation. That’s my hope that we won’t have to say, ‘’I’m so glad you’re hired because you’re a female. It should be that you are known for your skill level… Right now, it’s fantastic, but it shouldn’t be why a woman is defined as amazing.”

As a result, Lily is feeling more empowered than ever before. “Yeah, I am, 100%,” she says. “I’ve realised that I can’t control what other people think of what I have to say, but I can control how I say it and where it’s coming from. So many women have come out and spoken about things that people would have assumed would have been the end of them. Now it is embraced for us to speak out. I’m attracted so strongly to people who are brave and outspoken and very much themselves, so I thought, ‘Why can’t I be that?’ It takes practice and I’m not fully there yet, but I’m doing my best to take those steps.”

This self-crafted confidence is exactly why Lily was attracted to the challenge of creating and directing her own GLAMOUR shoot, shot on a mobile phone during a fitting with super-stylists Rob Zangardi and Mariel Haenn. “I love expressing different sides of myself,” she exclaims, referencing her Giambattista Valli gown she wore for her cover. “It’s a process that allows me to constantly surprise myself, rediscover and push myself in ways I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with a couple of years ago.” One thing is for certain, you shouldn’t underestimate this ultimate Hollywood ‘doer’; she curled her own hair and specifically asked for the pictures not to be retouched, too.

That’s my hope that we won’t have to say, ‘’I’m so glad you’re hired because you’re a female. It should be that you are known for your skill level… Right now, it’s fantastic, but it shouldn’t be why a woman is defined as amazing. 

ON HOPES FOR FUTURE FEMALES

Away from Hollywood and couture, Lily will be living her best Cameron Diaz lyf circa The Holiday this Christmas. “It’s my time to switch off from my job, sleep in and be British – I love holing myself away where no one can bother me. I love being in the countryside, outside London, with my mum. We get our tree, we have decorations from when I’m younger. We cook. We have fires and watch old movies,” Lily shares in a manner of an over-excited elf.

It’s safe to say the Christmas cracker that will really bring a bang to your festivities is Lily Collins in Les Misérables. Plus, dear wise men and women, this star with her rare empowering gifts is well worth following, far and wide.

Les Misérables will start on the BBC on 30th December.

[lexiseigneur]

Chapter twenty: Cannon fodder

Ao3

The black room in her head had failed her. Somehow the parts of her that had not been inside that room when she had changed were now forever linked to Quinlan. Shoving pieces of her new self behind that door now meant making a choice. Temporary peace without his light, or chaos with only his soul as support. Implicitly, she had expected to be able to use that ability as they faced the Master but it could not happen. Not only did she feel cold and empty when she attempted to push away her fear and pain, but Quinlan’s voice was also out of reach. Worse than that, it hurt him when she fled inside herself.

For twenty years that dark room had enabled her to live in serenity and not let the visions of her past submerge her. That was over. She would have to keep the new terrible memories on the surface. At least, Gordo’s dying gaze and the silence of his heart would not follow her for very long. Stop thinking like this. Lexi pushed that distasteful idea away and focused on the soothing knocking of Quinlan’s heart.

Downstairs, the man on guard opened the gate and a car drove inside the building. Gus and Raul had been the only men outside at this time so Lexi perked up at hearing the faint beating of three additional hearts.

“It seems Augustin has already found someone,” said Quinlan but he made no motion indicating that he wanted to meet that person.

Lexi, on the other hand, was both curious and worried. Part of her wanted to ensure that whoever this was had been brought aware of every implication.

“We should meet him,” she said.

“Her.”

Lexi focused on the sounds downstairs and yes…the new voice sounded briefly and was clearly feminine. She authorized herself a small grin. Her desire to meet the newcomer soared. Quinlan and Lexi climbed down the stairs to the lowest level which still smelled of the exhaust fumes from the SUV. Half a dozen men observed the woman with curiosity while she spoke with Gus and Raul. She was slim and with glossy black hair tied on her nape. Slanted eyes veered toward the Dhampir and widened. Her hand flew to Raul’s side where he kept his weapon. Before the man could react, she took the gun and directed its nuzzle at the couple.

Every man present except Raul pointed their own weapons at the woman and that reaction was sufficient to stop her from firing. Lexi looked around and even if it was uncomfortable to be threatened in that manner, she grinned. Even Arturo had the newcomer in his line of fire with that eternal scowl spreading on his face.

“Those are the two I told you about and I guarantee if we have to choose between them or you, they win,” said Gus, his gun an arm’s length from her head. He pulled the hammer back which clicked ominously. Her face still cold and her gaze fixated on both Dhampir, she returned the gun to Raul. He seemed as angry as he was embarrassed. Around the room, weapons returned to their holsters.

“This one is dangerous,” said Quinlan appreciatively.

Lexi nodded. For a human, she had moved with impressive speed. Her stance was efficient and her arm steady. There was absolutely no reason to worry about her safety because she was the opposite of the mild-mannered Brevil. Lexi had expected a poor soul, thrust into a desperate war almost against their will.

“Is she a goddamn ninja?” asked Jorge.

Antonio glared disapprovingly.

“Just ‘cause she Asian doesn’t make her a ninja you racist asshole.”

“Oh fuck you, I didn’t even see her move.”

The beginning of a large tattoo was visible under the collar of the newcomer’s shirt.

“Quinlan, Lexi,” said Gus while pointing at the Dhampir. “That’s Hinata.”

“Did you notice the emblems on her skin?” said Quinlan.

“I did. Why?”

Quinlan took a step forward and keeping his back very straight, bowed. Hinata bowed back so quickly, it appeared automatic. He spoke to the woman in a foreign language whose intonations were sharp and highlighted the rumbling of his voice. Lexi had no clue what he had just said but she did manage to recognize it was Japanese. Hinata answered and lifted her collar to hide the inked skin. Quinlan sneered.

“She is a princess. A daughter of the Japanese mob…I suspect she learned a few lessons in cruelty from them.”

“Why would she be with the Librarian?”

“I imagine her family sent her here to study. Those tattoos would make her an outcast in her home country.”

“So Hinata, what exactly did you do before the Fall?” asked Lexi.

“Theoretical economics,” she replied without any perceptible accent then detailed the female Dhampir rudely. Lexi uncovered her sharp teeth and growled which did not deter her. Amir pointed at the woman’s face where a thin scar spread from the side of her nose to the bottom of her chin.

“Samesies!” he said and gestured at his own scarred face.

Hinata gave him a look full of disgust.

“No,” she replied and turned her back on him.

His grin widened and he whispered in Raul’s ear, much too low for other humans to hear:

“I give her a week before she is in love with me.”

“You said I would be told the whole truth once I came here,” said Hinata to Gus.

“Yeah, we gonna do that. But for your information, you won’t be allowed to leave anymore.”

“I don’t care,” she said dismissively.

“You should, ‘cause if I decide we can’t trust you, I’ll put a bullet in your head.”

She stared at him in mild surprise. The Sun Hunter held her gaze, severe and unwavering. Her thin lips stretched into a smirk.

“Alright, everyone stop gawking like morons and go do your jobs. Quinlan, Lex, let’s talk.”

They climbed up the stairs to the communal space and stood around the table.

“So, beside Hinata here we got no volunteers but the Librarian said he would look around for us. At least he seemed happy to get rid of this one.”

He pointed at Hinata who did not appear particularly concerned. Cold and focused, her eyes were still on the Dhampir. They barely shifted as the Sun Hunter told her of the Master and of their plans to kill him.

“I’m gonna have to kill Strigs when it happens, right?”

“Yeah, it might happen,” said Gus.

“Just tell me when and where.”

 On that day, Gus made it very clear that everyone should keep a close eye on their new crew member. Since the jamming devices were operational, Raul did not need to assist Lexi anymore. To his dismay, he was given the task of shadowing Hinata wherever she went. Often, Lexi noticed the woman staring.

Three days after Hinata’s arrival, she and Raul entered the communal room while Gus, Lexi and Quinlan leaned over a map of the world where red dots indicated active volcanoes. Brevil stood nervously a few paces away and on another table which had once been covered with Plexiglas and wire, now laid a detailed map of Central Park and the surrounding streets.

“Outside that range, you guys would be on your own. You’d have to fly as far as you can then steal another plane or find another way to get there.”

“The range is more limited as crossing running waters is complicated for us,” said Quinlan. “It means wasting fuel and time unless we find a human pilot.”

The Dhampir looked at the volcanologist.

“We might be able to avoid such trouble if Dr. Brevil briefly takes over above those areas. Just in case the use of the autopilot is impossible.”

Brevil protested but quickly gave up. Hinata reached behind the bar, grabbed a whiskey bottle and poured herself a large glass. Raul, almost pouting went to stand between Gus and Lexi.

“You alright?” she asked Raul.

“She scares the shit out of me.”

Hinata took a deep gulp of the amber liquid then glared at the group.

“As much as I scared you?”

“No, not nearly as much.”

Gus suddenly noticed what Hinata was doing and took the bottle from her before she could pour herself another drink.

“You know how much that shit cost?” he asked and put the bottle back where it belonged.

“No, I don’t.”

His nostrils flared but his voice remained calm.

“Raul! Get her to Arturo and see if he needs another pair of hands. If he doesn’t, get her to Julio for meal prep.”

Raul groaned.

“Her and Arturo? Fuck.”

But he obeyed and joined the woman to direct her downstairs.

“Enough freeloading. You gonna pay for the crap you eat,” said Gus.

“I don’t see those two paying for what they take.”

She threw a cold gaze toward the Dhampir.

“You think I run the details of my business through you? Get out of here.”

It took a few seconds for her to stop staring and follow Raul. It was the moment the phone chose to ring. It was a very strange sound. Surreal even. This was a sound Lexi had not heard for a year and a half. Gus reached above the bar and picked up the handset. Intrigued she focused on the voice which she did not recognize.

“Gus? I’ll make this quick ‘cause I don’t like staying on shore for long. There are three people here who are also interested in joining your gang. But you will have to drive a little. After Hinata left we went further upstate so forget about calling the usual payphones, just go to Roger Island in Catskill.”

“Alright. We’re coming now.”

“Good. If we don’t see you before dark, we’ll leave.”

“That’s fair.”

Then the other man on the phone hung up. The location was several hours drive away and both Quinlan and Gus prepared to depart. Lexi discussed their flight plan in more detail with Brevil when Quinlan’s voice very suddenly quieted down to almost nothing. She grimaced and shook her head as if this would dislodge whatever was blocking her link to him. Within less than a minute, his voice came back.

“What just happened?” she asked.

“I was inside the vault to retrieve more ammunition. Augustin insisted on closing the door behind us so prevent Hinata from spying its content.”

“Very well…Be safe.”

Brevil had waited patiently through this quiet exchange as it were a perfectly normal thing to occur. On the day of the Master’s destruction, the scientist would accompany them because they might need human assistance. In addition, if they arrived after the volcanic eruption, they could not afford to return to New York. They would lay low and wait for another opportunity to kill the beast. Lexi both hoped and dreaded that eventuality.

Brevil returned to his laptop and Lexi went downstairs to assist the brothers with dinner. They were bickering again and did not bother pausing when she sat down and began peeling potatoes.

“Do you know how long it took me to find this?” said Julio as he shook a bunch of green leaves in his fist.

“I don’t give a shit, you ain’t putting it in the food,” retorted Miguel.

“This salsa without coriander ain’t worth nothing.”

“I’ve got soap that would taste better than this crap.”

Both acknowledged her presence and as one, turned to her.

“What do you think?” asked Miguel.

“I think I know better than to take a side in this,” she said and peeled potatoes with increased vigor.

When they involved Arturo after he stopped his daily metal work, his answer came quick and final.

“Use it, we are not wasting any food.”

The meal was finished shortly after and the table was set. Amir ran up the stairs with a full plate to give it to Antonio on guard duty then came back down with Brevil. During dinner, Hinata continued staring at Lexi who was starting to feel irritation from it. So the female Dhampir focused on the chattering made of small daily dramas that she enjoyed a great deal.  When Hinata spoke, not particularly loud, the other voices fell silent.

“I heard people make bets on fights between you and Quinlan.”

Amir put down his fork still covered in food. Lexi did not appreciate the sudden change in atmosphere. Gordo had been the first to propose making those bets.

“Yes, it happened a few times,” she said.

“Have you fought those men as well?”

“No.”

They had never asked and Quinlan had not hinted that he wanted to train them. She had never even considered that possibility.

“I like staying sharp. Would you like to try me?”

Amir elbowed Raul needlessly, his eyes veering from Lexi to Hinata. Raul whispered to him: “Dude, I ain’t blind.”

Perhaps some friendly sparring would stop Hinata’s invasive gaze. Quinlan was too far to ask for his advice on the matter. If he had managed to fight Lexi when she was human, surely she would manage the same without hurting their newest ally.

“After dinner, if you wish.”

For the first time since her arrival, Hinata smiled but Lexi did not find that expression appealing. The men ate quickly and the table was cleared in record time, mostly thanks to Amir.

In the communal room, the two women faced one another. Marcus, Raul, and Amir leaned against the wall near the window. Antonio on guard duty shoved earbuds in his ears and stared resolutely outside.

“For your safety, I suggest we start without weapons,” said Lexi as she deposited her wolf-headed sword on the table.

“That’s rich…you’re telling me you’re also gonna leave that stinger of yours on the table?”

Lexi rattled at the quip but as she recalled her first training sessions with Quinlan, she repressed a smile. She too had been mouthy at times.

“I will not use it, don’t worry.”

“I’m not worrying. Last time a Strig tried to bite me, I pulled that thing right out of its throat.”

Amir’s mouth formed a perfect “O” and he waved a hand excitedly. Hinata threw the first punch and Lexi kept her speed to a minimum. In fact, she did not outright avoid the kicks and hits, preferring blocking them. Lexi was attempting to be kind but Hinata grew more violent by the second.

“You’re not trying at all!” hissed the woman. “Strike me!”

“As you wish.”

She amped her speed by a smidge and hit her in the back. Hinata stumbled forward and her wide cheekbones turned pink. Once more, Hinata attacked and this time instead of blocking her, Lexi dropped to the floor and swiped her legs. The woman hit the floor with a cry of pain and surprise. When she jumped to her feet her eyes were wide and her mouth a fine line.

“You’re faster than the Strigs,” she whispered.

“Much…much faster.”

Her expression turned sour. That woman had never seen either Lexi or Quinlan use the full range of their abilities so her astonishment was understandable. What Lexi could not comprehend or accept was the hostility this realization had triggered in the woman. Agreeing to this fight had perhaps been a mistake. Lexi wanted to end it but Hinata jumped her again. Whatever restraint she had exercised previously was gone. She fought dirty and with the full intent to hurt Lexi. The female Dhampir forced her opponent down on her knees with an arm twisted behind her back.

“We’re done here.”

The cooks, Julio and Miguel arrived at this moment, still bickering and Lexi looked at them. It was stupid to do so because although Lexi knew the fight was over, Hinata thought otherwise. A small silver blade cut deeply into Lexi’s thigh. Instantly she let go of the woman and shrieked. The voice did not sound like hers, it was high-pitched and savage, like a Strigoi. Instinctively she jumped back and slammed into a wall. The men were running, Marcus and Raul held Hinata as Julio searched her and extracted another blade from her boot.

Lexi looked down to her leg where her flesh sizzled against the toxic metal. She grabbed at the handle and screamed again. It was also silver. Amir rushed at her and pulled the blade out of her leg. Now that the twinge in her thigh receded, Lexi could suddenly hear Hinata and the words she was hurling at her. They were in Japanese but Lexi did not need a translation. They oozed with hatred.

“Oh shut the fuck up!” ordered Marcus and he shook the woman roughly.

That was enough to distract Hinata from her anger. And she looked around the room at the men who although they still kept their weapons in their holsters were all astonished and furious. When the pain became manageable, Lexi stood and thanked Amir. He nodded briefly and stared at Hinata. His usual grin was gone.

“I will not be able to hide this from Quinlan…” she said as she approached Hinata.

“Why should I care?”

“Because he will kill you for this and I doubt he will be gentle.”

The men present all nodded in agreement. Hinata’s façade of bravado cracked a little.

“But I would prefer to avoid that. I guess I’m the nice one, right guys?”

“She’s a goddamn hippie,” spat Amir.

His scar twisted from his grimace of anger.

“So when Quinlan comes back, I suggest you show at least some remorse. To save yourself.”

Hinata looked at the men present. Did she expect they were all bluffing?

“Do you understand?”

The woman stared at her feet and Lexi sighed in frustration. Her own anger was decreasing as quickly as the pain. She was worried too about Quinlan’s reaction to afford being angry.

“Hinata…I mean it. I really prefer if this doesn’t escalate any further. Do you get it?”

Lexi let her exhaustion through because she wanted the woman to witness it. Hinata looked up then almost imperceptibly, she nodded.

“Let’s get you back to your room…but first, we will be thoroughly searching it. I guess you understand.”

Marcus and Raul who still held onto Hinata grunted in agreement. The woman was ushered away and Lexi returned to her own room. Her wound would need to be flushed before she could stitch it and she would prefer to be alone to do that.

Lexi was shaken. She had experienced being feared but not yet being outright hated. She felt weak, and strangely hot, as if running a fever. Silver wounds were also a novel experience that she could have done without. While mending her leg, Quinlan’s voice returned to its place in the back of her mind. Although it was reassuring to have him back that way, she dreaded the discussion she knew was coming.

“What happened? Are you safe?” he asked immediately.

Despite the distance, he had felt her distress.

“I am fine but… Hinata stabbed me in the leg with a silver blade.”

“SHE DID WHAT?”

His desire for violence sliced into her just like the blade had. Lexi waited patiently for his rage to cool down.

“I will tear her in half.”

“No. It is completely unnecessary.”

“I disagree.”

The anger was not abating.

“Please…you said yourself that she’d be useful. It’s just a flesh wound. Tomorrow it will be gone.”

“I have killed for less.”

That remark irritated Lexi. She did not want to hear that.

“We need every able bodied person we have. Please, don’t do it.”

No more death. No more killing. Lexi was exhausted and she did not know if she could bear watching yet another person die.

“Promise me you will not hurt her.”

His reluctance was evident and had he been present, she was certain he would have been growling.

“Quinlan, please.”

“Your request is unreasonable but I will not touch her.”

Lexi breathed in relief. Hours later, when the gate buzzed open and five hearts exited the SUV, she did not have the strength to run to him. Marcus and Amir came up the stairs and she watched as they brought Hinata out of her bedroom. The woman was collected and the look she gave Lexi did not contain hatred. Or at least, she hid it well.

When they entered the communal space, the new people were not yet here. Lexi focused and heard their voices downstairs. Two women and a man, all fairly young. With those, she would keep a step back because this entire mess could not happen again. As she expected, Quinlan snarled loudly when he spotted Hinata. Although Lexi did not expect him to break his promise, she joined him and placed her palms on his chest.

“You seem tired,” he said and the rumbling of his throat died down.

“That’s because I am.”

Ignoring Lexi, Gus headed straight for Hinata.

“You better tell me what the fuck happened right now.”

“When I came here I thought I’d be killing Strigs, not play house with them.”

Quinlan tensed. Not wanting to test his resolve further, Lexi pulled him to the staircase and he followed reluctantly. Amir and Marcus’ voices were recounting the events in detail. Lexi closed the bedroom door, relieved that she had managed to spare Hinata from Quinlan’s ire. He stood in the middle of the room and just like her, focused on the voices below.

“So this was no accident?” said Gus.

“No,” confirmed Hinata almost proud.

Lexi cringed. She had told her to show at least some remorse.

“I warned you,” said Gus.

His voice was low and cool. Lexi had never heard him speak that way and she realized her error. But she was weak and it was too late. A single gunshot echoed in the building followed by the thump of a body hitting concrete. Lexi struck the door and slumped to the floor. More killing. Always more cold-blooded violence. She sobbed and held her face.  

“Did you tell him to do that?” she asked Quinlan.

“No, but when he informed that it was a possible outcome, I did not convince him otherwise.”

“This is just as wrong as killing her yourself.”

“Augustin made a sensible choice.”

When he tried to touch her, she pulled away. Lexi surprised herself. At this very moment, it took huge effort not to snarl. She stood on her shaky legs.

“No! Do not try to justify this. The only one that needs to die is the Master.”

“You are blinded by your inexperience.”

Lexi growled loudly and the claws of her stinger poked out of her mouth. She forced the appendage back in her throat and clenched her teeth. Quinlan was calm and his demeanor fueled her outrage.

“Wars have casualties but treating people like disposable objects is what we’re fighting against.”

“It is crucial that you comprehend, Hinata had become worse than worthless. She had become a loose cannon. Lexi, I was thrust into arenas with only a few men and our wit as weapons, I have marched into the desert against the Berbers outmanned and desperate, and I have defeated the Silures in Britain on their native land. I have walked into battle thousands of times and I can assure you that doubting the intentions of my fellow soldiers would have meant defeat. For that reason, it was impossible for Hinata to fight alongside us. Now is not the time for taking prisoners, especially if they are hostile, capable and in the possession of sensitive information.”

“It doesn’t matter! We’re almost done! Keeping her locked up for a short period would not have been complicated.”

“It would have. It would have been manpower and food that Augustin knew he could not waste during such decisive times.”

Her furor spiked. It blazed red hot in her mind and the edges of her vision were darkening. When she remembered the fear in the eyes of the people she had watched die, the rage became blinding.

“Since the moment we met you have made a point of disregarding human life and I am sick of it.”

His scowl intensified and she knew exactly why. With this sentence, she had made this argument awfully personal. But this was what the rage demanded.

“I get it! Humans are insects to you. Their lives are so short that it’s very easy to shorten them just a little further.”

He shook his head and she was unsure that it was because he wanted her to stop speaking or because he disagreed with the words.

“You admitted yourself that when we first met, my existence was meaningless to you. You wanted to kill me when I had just saved you.”

The scowl vanished replaced by discomfort.

“Please don’t…”

“The only reason you bothered realizing that I was a person who deserved to live was because you were forced to. But now YOU need to understand something. Every time you kill someone, you kill me. All those people must seem very small to you, and they are. I saw your soul and how large it was. But I am tiny as well. I haven’t lived millennia, I haven’t learned dozens of languages, I haven’t experienced so much that my soul has become a sun, like yours. So when you kill someone as insignificant as I am, you kill me.”

“It is not like this. You don’t understand...”

“And I hope I never will. I’m glad I will die before I have a chance to become as inured to killing as you are.”

He grimaced and shook his head.

“You don’t mean this.”

She scoffed.

“You know damn well I cannot lie to you in the Bond.”

Quinlan stood there, looking at her with sorrow that she did not have the strength to bear. Lexi cried out when his feelings streamed inside her mind.

“STOP IT!”

She held her head and ran out of the room, down the stairs to the only place that would quiet the agony she had caused him without cutting him off completely. A few people spotted her but she ignored them and opened the vault and slipped inside it. When she closed the heavy door, the Bond was dampened by the thick metal walls. Had they contained lead, she would have been separated from Quinlan completely. But they were just steel, not quite dense enough. Exhausted by the twinge in her mind and that in her leg, she sat on the concrete and cried.

It was too much. And in this instant, although she still resented Quinlan for his disregard for human life, she also was guilty. Why accept to spar Hinata? She should have ignored her and walked away. Had she stayed put in the bunker just like Quinlan had wanted her to, Hinata would still be alive. The two men she had murdered on that highway would also still live. It did not matter that Quinlan had thought her actions justified, what she had done was disgusting. They had reminded her of her father and had paid that with their lives.

Creem had not deserved such a death at her hand either. The only reason she had done it had been to quench her anger. However traitorous they had been, none of the men they had killed that day deserved such an end.

Would Gordo have been spared without her here? She shook her head. No…Gordo’s death was not her fault. But how many had perished because she had decided she wanted to fight in this war?

Her voluntary transformation had robbed her of part of her humanity but this constant bloodshed would surely take away what remained. She lied down on her side and held her knees tightly against her chest. She was so very tired.

It hurt. Her words cut deep inside. Not because she misunderstood him, but because she had gone from accepting death as inevitable to almost wishing it. And that change had been his doing. There was no time for conflict between them. Quinlan did not attempt to follow her, not even when her voice became less than a murmur. First, he needed to collect himself so he sat on the bed and breathed deeply.

Could it really be a surprise that this violence would eventually overwhelm her? Quinlan was not accustomed to this. While his previous loved ones had never been demure, they also had never been involved in in his quest to kill the Master. And while she had chosen to fight, at heart, she would never be a soldier.

Quinlan recalled various instances when in the past her moral opinions had irritated him and his pain decreased. Stubbornly and despite the pointlessness of her reprimands, she had kept reminding him of what she considered cruel or unacceptable. The Dhampir had no desire to become even worse of a monster than he already was but he could not take back the brutalities he had committed so far. Though he could abstain for the days or weeks they had left.  For her, he would. What about the others?

Gordo’s panicked eyes as death approached sprung in his mind and he cringed. He had been a good man and his death had been gratuitous. Augustin, Raul, Amir, Marcus…would he look away from their dead bodies as easily as he had done with other humans? Lexi had a gift for uttering words which left scorch marks in his head.

Humans were small, ephemeral creatures compared to Quinlan but their lives were no less precious to them. And her human life had been so very precious to him. When had he turned so cold to the plights of humankind? His younger self, the one who could not bear to see women suffer at the hands of his centurions; the one who had saved Tasa from them, would he despise what Quinlan had become?

He removed his leather harness and coat. Then he took out his sword and carefully honed then oiled it. During that process, Quinlan selected his words carefully. He was a monster and a murderer but he needed her to know why. That he had not always been like this and that she would never be.

His heartlessness had not started when he had been forced to kill Ancharia, his adoptive mother. No…it had come later after his time as a soldier. He had been young and complacent, choosing to marry Tasa and with her daughter Sura, to form a family.

Back then, he had been convinced that he could delay his search for the Master by a single lifetime. Working the soil, playing with his daughter and enjoying wholesome intimacy for the first time since his birth. For a short year, Qunilan had stayed away from combat, from killing, from violence. He had tasted true happiness and when the Master had yanked it out of his grasp something had shattered in his heart.

After slicing at the corrupted bodies of his loved ones, he had burned down Rome. The Master had been hiding there. He had taken Tasa and Sura’s lives and Quinlan would uncover him. Even if he had to sift through Rome’s ashes to do so. All the innocent lives lost that day did not matter because none of them were Tasa or Sura. The Dhampir had loved again after his first wife and every single time he had come to deeply regret it. But Lexi…he could not bring himself to regret.

Quinlan deposited his sword on the bed and finally certain of what he would tell Lexi, he walked down the stairs to find her. The lowest level was dark and empty when he crossed it. His footsteps echoed in this unusual silence but he was unsure she would be able to hear him. Even standing before the door of the vaulted room, he could not perceive the beatings of her heart. He entered the six-digit code and unlocked the heavy latch but did not pull on the door. Quinlan let it swing open only a crack, which was sufficient to restore the fullness of the Bond.

“I would like to talk to you.”

She stayed quiet and it was for the best as he preferred to remain uninterrupted. Those thoughts, he had never disclosed to anyone and that novelty filled him with uneasiness.

“You will never become like me, beloved. You would not let yourself follow that path. In fact, our lives started so differently I am certain this path is out of your reach.”

She still did not speak but inside the small room, the quiet sounds of her heart approached.

“Can you imagine how life amongst men was for me? Every time someone could see past my monstrous nature? It would not stop them from dying. In fact, it would likely mean they would suffer an untimely demise. There were always two immutable forces in my life: the Master with his desire to punish me for existing but also…the passage of time.

“In the beginning…I did enjoy human friendships. If those people did not die in battle or if the Master did not steal them from me…they’d wither away and their souls still slipped between my fingers. They would still leave me behind.”

The door swung open slowly and her hazel eyes appeared from within the darkness.

“I pushed humans away and I turned callous. I was obliged to do so as it was the only way to remain sane. I forced myself to ignore the uniqueness of each voice that ended snuffed away around me or because of me. I had to. And yes…with the years it became easier. Somewhere along the way, perhaps it became too easy.

“But I was so very lonely. My will faltered at times and if I stayed put too long it happened that I would grow attached to those who did not hate me. It never ended well. How could it?”

She stepped outside the vault and he was relieved that her rage had gone, instead, she appeared almost sheepish.

“Within the walls of that bunker, I grew weak. I desperately desired a life with you once the Master was imprisoned. And after that, I would have no reason to endure the passage of time any longer. I would not have to let you leave me behind when your human life came to a close. I wanted this, an existence followed by its natural conclusion.”

She bit her lip and took his hand which he accepted with a sorrowful grin.

“But then he saw you and this irrational vision of mine was suddenly extinguished. So I gave you up and I thought myself righteous because you would be able to have a life with someone who could grow old with you, who could give you a family. A normal life, not one hiding in the shadows with a demon.”

She shook her head fiercely at that last word and mouthed the word “no” quietly. Quinlan’s eyes stung but he did not look away.

“My dearest Lexi, I never deluded myself into thinking I deserved you. From the instant, I kissed you and you kissed me back, I knew how selfish I was. But during a fleeting moment, I was happy again.

“That happiness paled in comparison to feeling the warmth of your soul on that roof. For a split second, there were endless possibilities. For a split second, the passage of time ceased to be an enemy because you would never wither away.”

He kissed her when the humidity in his eyes overflowed. Lexi accepted his kiss. When she hugged his neck, Quinlan breathed deeply into her hair.

“What a cruel joke that my enemy should now become the lack of time rather than the abundance of it. And I hate myself for enjoying the moments we share more than I regret that you will not get the full life you are entitled to. Even now, with a single word from you, I would throw my lifelong mission away to get more of that time. However, as much as my callousness and selfish desires make me a demon, Lexi, you will never be one.”

“Quinlan…you are not a demon,” she said.

She pulled on her sleeve and with it wiped away the tears on his jaw.

“Am I not?” he asked, unconvinced.

“No. Everything you desire is right here but you are still working relentlessly toward a goal that will take it away. It doesn’t matter if your thoughts are selfish, right now, your actions are not. Quinlan, that makes you beautiful to me.”

Those words were soothing and they could only be shared sincerely. His arms closed tightly around his precious one and his self-loathing abated a little. No…he could not bring himself to regret meeting her or to regret the transformation that would bring about her death. There was too little time to allow regret to spoil the softness of her presence.

[techno-sorcerer]

Adjusting to the Dark: Chapter 2 Waking Up

Story Summary:  After recovering from an attack, Kaiba attempts to return to work. The problem: it was a vampire attack, and he didn’t recover so much as turn. Meanwhile, demons lurk ready to strike and take Kaiba Corp at the first sign of weakness

Chapter Summary:  Kaiba attempts to rationalize and deal with the situation in front of him. Unfortunately, he came to some wrong conclusions. As his plan to get home veers off course, a helpful- if ominous- stranger appears.

Words: 6,241

Chapter Content Warnings: Graphic descriptions of gore and death at the start (as in very start hence the placement of the read more), general discussions of death throughout, referenced canonical suicide (Gozaburo’s)

Note: A detail was added to the last scene of chapter 1 (at the end of its first paragraph). I probably had thought I would include it at the start of this chapter but it really belonged there.

Second Note: I updated this chapter since something got fleshed out in my head while writing a later chapter that I then realized would be best to address it first here. I’ve added several paragraphs during Kaiba’s first encounter with Arnold the security guard.

Links to Previous Chapter: tumblr, ao3. ; Link to this chapter on ao3

Kaiba stared at the corpse in front of him and took a step backwards. His lip trembled and his hand shook at the scene.

The corpse looked outward with its head rolled to the side revealing a tight ring of red on the neck and two pairs of holes in its center. Its legs folded unnaturally as if somebody had picked up a doll and dropped it, and Kaiba realized a moment later that the analogy might be apt. Around the corpse was a small puddle of piss, the man’s bladder finally giving up just before death. A hiss of air escaped the corpse’s lips, but Kaiba heard no breathing after that. It was probably just gas leaving the corpse. Kaiba leaned forward and poked the body, hoping his senses were lying. It was warm, but it didn’t respond at all. It was actually dead.

Tearing his eyes away, Kaiba hoped to find something to explain the situation, but instead there was another two bodies tossed to the side and a garbage truck idling behind him. A dumpster stood beside him with its lid open and horrendous smells wafting out. A trash bag lay scattered next to one of the other bodies.

What had happened here? What even had the power to do this?

The only thought that came to mind that wasn’t straight out of a myth was the boy who attacked him.  While Kaiba didn’t pretend that he was particularly strong, he wasn’t weak either, yet trying to move the boy had been like fighting with a statue. Glancing at the holes on the corpse’s neck, he remembered feeling pinpricks on his own neck after the boy had pushed him up against the wall, and how his body had lost all of its energy afterwards. The memory of the pain moved his hand, and he found his fingers sliding over his own neck. A shiver went down Kaiba’s spine.

However, he didn’t feel any holes.

He remembered the pain. There should be something.  Maybe it was shallow? He pushed his fingers harder across his skin, hoping to find anything to support the memory. Even a slight throb would do.

There was nothing.

He stared at the deep holes on corpse’s neck, and practically pinched his own neck in frustration. What was going on?

Kaiba then glanced at his left hand. He had seen red welts appear across the back of his hand when the boy had squeezed it, but now it looked pristine if a bit pale. He opened and closed it as if to confirm that it was real, that it was his. It was.

Maybe the memory was fake? No. He wouldn’t voluntarily go near a pile of garbage, let alone lay under one. Something had to have at least incapacitated him and probably knocked him out. Maybe the memory was exaggerated?

As if the scene in front of him wasn’t. Why was he alive while these people were slaughtered? If the boy had qualms with anyone, it was him.

Kaiba stared at the body in front of him for a while before he shook his head. This was spinning his brain in circles and not accomplishing anything. He closed his eyes and blocked out the dizzying questions surrounding how he got here. He needed to focus on what he was going to do next. As his first priority, he had to get back to Kaiba Corp and from there home to Mokuba.  Mostly he wanted to see Mokuba. There was no particular reason for it. His brother was probably just as healthy, happy, and safe as he had been when he went to school that morning, and his brother would have no idea of what he just went through. But, it was Mokuba that kept his will strong during the vivid nightmare, and it was Mokuba that he needed to see. Everything else would be planned around that.

So, he probably wouldn’t spend much time at the corporate headquarters. His original reason for going to the office was to read some productivity and labor reports, and he could just as easily bring them home with him. He supposed cleaning himself up in the bathroom would also be reasonable, since he wouldn’t want his brother seeing him in this sorry state. He would also need to change into spare clothes to replace his current outfit, which was both waterlogged and stained. The less reason his brother had to worry the better.

Having established the best way to get home to Mokuba both quickly and presentably, Kaiba realized that he would have to report the murder. He frowned; he wasn’t sure how long that would take.

However, it did need to get done. Not only would waiting too long be suspicious, but the victims deserved it. They had done nothing wrong. Hell, they had been doing their jobs when they were attacked. Jobs he would have previously dismissed as unimportant and trivial but somebody had to do them, and now somebody was dead for it.

Kaiba opened his eyes and glanced around for hints to his location. Now that he wasn’t panicking over the gore, he could see that he was in the lowest basement level of a parking garage. There were no cars except the still running garbage truck, though Kaiba mused it was making enough noise for the whole garage. It practically made his ears ring. However, the only way out was past the offending sound, so he started his march out, stepping over a scattering of broken glass by the open driver’s door.

The garage was probably the one behind the Kaiba Corp Tower, since Kaiba doubted his attacker would try to drag his body very far. Or, at least he hoped he wouldn’t have to walk far in the open with everyone able to see- and smell- that he had just taken a trash bath.

He left the worst of the stench behind him as he ascended the ramp, so he pushed some gunk off his face and ventured a shallow breath in. He still stunk of course; it would take a change of clothes and several showers to get the last traces of garbage off his skin. But, he also smelled other things. The asphalt. Leftover gasoline fumes. Even a faint trace of body odor from the long gone visitors. Other than the garbage people, there probably hadn’t been anybody here for the past hour, not even people working a late shift. While it was nice to finally smell something other than rot, a part of Kaiba worried about how quickly he accepted the information. He knew that simply sniffing shouldn't have told him that, but he couldn’t convince himself otherwise.

Not too long after starting to walk, Kaiba reached an alcove with an elevator, and he practically melted with relief upon seeing the Kaiba Corp Tower lobby listed on the directory. He jammed the up button several times before finally ascending to the first floor.

Despite having walked through the floor many times on the way to his office, everything was new. Familiar details from the gurgle of the fountain to the pulse of the fluorescent lights felt more intense, but new details also emerged. He had never before gotten a whiff of the cleaning solution from the floor, nor had he ever noticed the air vents particular hiss. He hadn’t heard the particular squeak of rubber soled shoes, probably belonging to a security guard, against the tile floor, nor had he heard the slight hush of the guard breathing. Finally, he certainly had never heard soft thumping tuh-thub followed the security guard’s footsteps.

Blinking, Kaiba recognized it as a fuller, fleshier version of the sound which had captivated him while he was in the dumpster. Without the hunger gnawing at his nerves, no urgent need welled up inside him, but it was still alluring. He kept listening as he walked towards the company elevator that would carry him to his office.

The elevator dinged to acknowledge his request. The footsteps turned towards his direction, and then the rhythmic tuh-thub quickened. “Hey! Are you supposed to be here?”

Kaiba turned towards the guard, a buff man staring at him with wide eyes. A quick flare of Kaiba’s nostrils revealed the man to be healthy, albeit a bit nervous, and unsure of exactly why it seemed relevant, he tucked the information away for later. Moreover, Kaiba’s eyes locked onto the source of the thumping- or at least what his ears claimed was the source- inside the man’s chest. But, it was impossible. To think that he could actually be hearing… that was ridiculous. To even entertain the notion…

“Answer the question.”

Kaiba refocused his attention and forced himself to fill his lungs with air. “Of course I’m supposed to be here; I own the building. Now, let me get to my office.”

It was almost amusing to watch the realization dawn on the guard’s face, but instead of turning away the man reached for the walkie talkie on his vest. “I have somebody claiming to be Seto Kaiba. It might actually be him, but I’d like somebody from the office to come down and confirm.  He seems a bit worse for wear.”

“Is it really that hard to believe it's me?”

The man gave a small laugh. “Looking like that? A little. But, I mostly don’t want to declare you found without checking in. I haven’t been here long enough to make that kind of call.”

Found? The word gave Kaiba a pause. Slowly words fell out of his mouth. “How long was I gone?”

The thumping quickened again, and the man shifted his weight. It was always hard for employees to deliver bad news. “You were officially declared missing three days ago.”

Kaiba felt the floor drop out from under him. Three days. At least, to give them time to officially declare it. So, make it four. Mokuba had been waiting for four days, unsure of when or if he would come home. Isono was there of course, which helped things marginally, but it didn’t mean that Mokuba wouldn’t worry. It certainly didn’t mean he was safe. What if somebody tried to take advantage of the situation? What if the police had given up on him and insisted that Mokuba go back to the orphanage? There was only so much Isono could do especially because their agreement only went so far.

The agreement was, of course, that Isono was technically Kaiba’s and Mokuba’s legal guardian. After he had taken the company from Gozaburo and after his adopted father’s suicide, the government had decided that Kaiba needed someone to look after him. Kaiba disagreed; he’d seen what could happen if he gave someone that much power over him, and he had just barely gotten out of that situation. There was no way he’d submit himself like that again. Plus, even if- and Kaiba considered this a big if- the person involved didn’t abuse their position, Kaiba also knew parents were unreliable; he had already walked three of them to the grave. The first time, his relatives for whatever good they were had taken everything and left him to the orphanage.

There was also the issue of company bylaws. Gozaburo Kaiba was a man obsessed with legacy, and since Kaiba Corp was the pinnacle of that legacy, it was one he had kept close his chest with plans to do so even in death. At the company’s founding back when Gozaburo had still been young, he had inserted into the corporation’s founding document that CEO must themselves be a Kaiba. While this had been partly a way to secure his position in life, Seto Kaiba knew very well the man’s obsession with finding a perfect heir of his choosing, one that could act as his proxy come death. The man’s quest had dominated five years of Seto’s life.

So, adoption was not an option. It would break the legal ties that bound him to Gozaburo and more importantly Gozaburo’s name. Perhaps in good times, it could have been argued that with the inheritance already won the ties no longer mattered, but times were never good. There was always someone ready to argue the other case.

Unfortunately, he had at the time only been just shy of fifteen, and adoption or not, the state demanded a legal guardian. Chikuzen Oza, the scheming lawyer of the Big Five, would have had some difficulty arguing against the government to let him stay parentless. To achieve that and allow him to continue to protect his brother Mokuba would have been impossible. Trusting Chikuzen to not attempt to take the heir to Kaiba Corp for himself? Now that was laughable. Chikuzen, however, was no Gozaburo, and alerting the other four businessmen was enough for their mutual distrust to take care of the rest.

So, the honor had to go to someone and most importantly someone Kaiba trusted. Someone close enough that the government would accept the thin charade, but that wouldn’t attempt to use or, even more broadly, control him. That narrowed the list of candidates down to two: Kisara and Isono. Kisara was herself a tempting option, but while there was a chance that either of them would attempt to actually parent him, at least with Isono, a healthy dose of professional fear would ward him off. While Kisara seemed to fear many things as a head of security must, Kaiba knew better to think that he would ever be one of them.

But, because Isono respected the agreement, Isono’s guardianship was only a technicality and a flimsy one at that. It had given his lawyers enough to work with, but an extended disappearance and increased scrutiny could upset that balance. For that matter, getting sent to the orphanage- despite being Kaiba’s greatest fear for five years- was the least of the worries now. Mokuba would be the sole heir to Kaiba Corporation, and while he had been stepping up to help recently and would have Kisara and Isono to help him, he wasn’t ready for that yet. The economics of it, management practices, how to foster research and development, Mokuba could figure those out in time, but the internal politics would eat him alive.

“If you don’t mind me asking, but what happened?”  Kaiba shot him a glare. “That’s cool.”

Eventually an older man emerged from a doorway at the end of the hall; another wobblier tuh-thub followed the new pair of footsteps. Kaiba recognized him as someone who often worked with Kisara but couldn’t exactly place the man’s name. The older man nodded at the guard. “Thank you, Arnold. That is him. You may leave.” Arnold nodded back and gave Kaiba an uneasy side-eye before leaving.

Kaiba decided to ignore the guard and turned his attention to the older man. “Where’s Kisara?”

“Simply at home, sir. She had been spearheading the search for you, but eventually even she needs to sleep. Would you like me to call her in?”

“No,” Kaiba rolled his lips in disappointment. “There was just something I was going to ask her to do. You could probably do it just as well.” The older man composed himself, ready for orders. “I woke up by the dumpster in lower level parking garage next to three dead garbage collectors. This needs to be reported to the police, and we should start our own internal investigation of the incident as well. I will be heading upstairs to pick up some things from the office before heading home to be with family.” He realized that the situation would likely be more complicated than that, but sometimes simply saying things with enough authority made them true.

“Sir… If what you say is true, then it may be best if you waited down here until the police arrived. They will likely want an official statement. We can have Arnold pick up your things for you.”

“Of course.” Kaiba still pursed his lips. This might take longer than anticipated. “All I need are a couple of reports that should have been left on my desk and a spare school uniform in the lower left hand drawer of my desk.”

The older man gestured towards Arnold and repeated the instructions before handing him a key and sending him off. Then the man turned back to Kaiba. “I know you may not want to discuss this, but as the senior member of security in the building, it is my job. Are you ok?”

“I’m covered in trash, what do you think?” The older man seemed unimpressed with this answer. “Fine, yeste- Monday night I was attacked on my way back to the office. My attacker easily overpowered me and knocked me out. Maybe he thought I was dead and tried to dispose of my body because the next time I woke up, I was at the bottom of the dumpster. The time after that I woke up surrounded by dead bodies.” As he spoke the authoritative veneer slid off his voice, and he began to tremble. “What if he’s trying to torture me? We need to do our own investigation on this. I need to get home as soon as possible.”

The older man reached up to touch him but decided against it when he pulled away. He rarely wanted anyone to touch him, least of all now. The man seemed saddened by this. “Don’t worry. We will be conducting a thorough investigation parallel to the police’s. You will probably be able to go home as soon as you issue the statement. Another thing I have to ask is what happened to your hand?”

Kaiba cautiously started to lift up his left hand, remembering that he had checked it for marks before, but the man shook his head and gestured towards his right hand. Lifting that one up, Kaiba noticed a web of dark red blood across his knuckles and the back of his hand. Without thinking he pulled it up to his nose and sniffed, but he immediately recoiled at the smell of something sour in addition to the trashy haze. Kaiba suddenly became aware of the absurdity of the action and turned way from the man’s gaze. “I must have cut it while in the dumpster.”

The older man then excused himself to call the police station, leaving Kaiba with his thoughts for a moment. He hated it. Not being left alone, that was fine. It was all the noises, smells, and lights that made a quiet moment loud. It was the choice between focusing on things which shouldn’t be there or letting himself remember the garbage collector’s face. Kaiba curled inward and crossed his arms.

Eventually the older man returned, and Kaiba decided to correct a mistake. “I’m not sure I have your name.”

“Jun Liu, sir”

That rang a bell. “Kisara recruited you on a trip to Beijing, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

Kaiba considered things for a moment then noted, “I will notify Kisara of your performance today. You have done well.”

Not even half a minute after Arnold came down with the bag of clothes and reports, two people and two pairs of tuh-thub walked into the lobby and headed straight towards Kaiba. One was a round woman with her hair pulled back under a scarf with a stiff step, while trailing behind her was a short man who walked like he was trying not to dance to the song in his head. Like Arnold they both smelled healthy and fit though in a softer way. As they approached the woman reached into her jacket and pulled a badge out. “Hello, I’m Detective Wasseem, and this is Detective Ito. The crime scene is cordoned off and being processed by the officers, so we would now like to speak with you.” Detective Wasseem explained, twirling the badge in her hand before putting it away. “You must be Mr. Liu, who I talked with over the phone, and you must be Seto Kaiba.”

She reached out to shake both of their hands, nose crinkling when she reached towards Kaiba. He reluctantly grabbed her hand. Her warm hand stiffened upon contact and her tuh-thub jumped for a moment, before she released her grip.

“Kaiba is fine.” His first name always made him feel young, and while he may be younger than Jun Liu, he had the senior position at the company. “It's a good thing you could come out here. This is important.”

“Yeah,” Detective Ito laughed. “You got quite a horror show going down there.” He sounded almost irreverent, but Kaiba’s nose detected a trace of unease. Understandable, considering they just saw the bodies. Detective Ito let out another laugh. “In fact, you’re not that pleasant of a sight either.”

“Probably not that pleasant of a smell too, so it would be best for all of us if we got this over with as soon as possible.”

“You can say that again.” Detective Ito leaned forward and smiled, but upon not receiving a response from Kaiba, his expression dropped. “So, Mr. Liu mentioned you getting attacked. Could you expand on that? What did the attacker look like? Did they have any weapons?”

Kaiba shifted his weight from foot to foot. “I was dragged into an alley on the way back to work. When I could see who it was, it looked like one of my classmates Yugi Mutou, who has a very distinctive look. Short with spiked hair and blonde bangs. But, the attacker was also very different. His skin was darker. His hair was more sculpted but his bangs were wild. He didn’t act like Yugi either.  Yugi has a reputation for letting people walk over him, and he doesn’t have much to back up what spine he does have. Not like this.”

“Yes, your file mentions that you had gotten into a disagreement with Yugi Mutou and his grandfather over…” Detective Wasseem pulled out a small notebook from within her blazer. “Over a rare necklace. Yugi Mutou spent that night in the hospital with his grandfather, who was injured at one of your facilities. Were the incidents related?”

“My file?” The information was correct. He had transported Sugoroku Mutou to a virtual gaming center owned by Kaiba Corp. There, they each bet a copy of the White Dragon Necklace on a game of augmented reality chess, where they each took the place of the king.

Unfortunately for Sugoroku Mutou, the realism of the game, especially the death of the bishops, peons, and knights, shook the old man, and he played a poor game. After achieving check mate, the program ended with the losing player being attacked by the threatening piece. It was holographic and ultimately harmless, but it gave the old man enough of a scare to pass out. Yugi and his gaggle of friends had escorted the man to the hospital, though not before Yugi had attempted to get the necklace back, a challenge Kisara quickly dealt with herself.

“Your missing person file.” Detective Ito gave a reassuring smile. “It says that your brother and your assistant Isono had insisted the department investigate your disappearance because she suspected foul play. We are merely trying to tie in what you're saying to what’s there.”

“Moreover,” Detective Wasseem immediately cut in. “The file had eliminated Yugi Mutou and his family as suspects, since there are witnesses placing them at the hospital for the entire night that you went missing. Are you sure you want to say the attacker looked like him?”

Kaiba titled his head. “‘The file mentioned’, ‘the file had eliminated’. It doesn’t sound like you two were officially on the investigation, so you don’t seem to be in a position to tell me what I want to say, particularly because I was the one who contacted you about this, not the other way around.” Detective Wasseem leaned away at the remarks but kept a stern expression on her face, while Detective Ito sent his partner a questioning glance. “Moreover, I specifically emphasized that my attacker resembled Yugi in some ways, but was definitely not him. So, whatever Yugi was doing that night is actually irrelevant.

“The incidents were, however, related. Along with some occult nonsense, my attacker mentioned Sugoroku going to the hospital. Not sure how he knew about it, but he did. In fact we had a scuffle over the necklace, and it broke. Not too long after that, the boy disposed of me.”

Looking back, Kaiba mused that he probably should have left the new acquisition with Kisara and the other necklaces, but he had been so excited to finally have it that his judgment had lapsed. Then again, he had not known at the time that he would be attacked and thrown in a dumpster. Life was unpredictable and harsh; he’d learned that young. Still, he had wanted so badly to own the complete set. In a way, he now had a complete set of three, but it wasn’t the same.

“What kind of occult nonsense? It might help us track him down,” Detective Ito offered.

“Bullshit about demons and darkness mostly. The way he talked, it sounded like he thought I was possessed or something.”

Detective Wasseem looked like she was trying not to roll her eyes. “And, how did the boy dispose of you? Did he have any weapons?”

“He was just strong. I could barely do anything to stop him.” Kaiba’s hand wandered up to his neck. “It gets a little blurry, but I remember him pushing me against the wall and then pricks on my neck, though I don’t feel anything there now, so….” He didn’t want to sound weak, but he didn’t want to sound like a liar, especially with Detective Wasseem already suspicious. He left it at a shrug. “I blacked out not too long afterwards. Next I woke up, and I was buried in the dumpster unable to move because of the smell. After that, I woke up outside it with the bodies around me.”

“Could we see your neck?”

Kaiba moved his hand away.  He looked expectantly at the detectives and then at Jun Liu, who had stepped to the side.

“I don’t see anything.” Detective Waseem chided, tapping her finger against the notebook.

Detective Ito shrugged. “Not being hurt usually is a good thing.” His voice wavered a bit, and the emphasis dropped on the ‘usually’. “It should be a good thing that it didn’t happen.”

Kaiba let out a sigh and looked down. He remembered it. He remembered being pinned against the wall. He remembered the pain at his neck, and he certainly remembered how everything went numb and weak afterwards. And, whether or not that happened, he still ended up in a dumpster for three or four days, and he still woke up surrounded by corpses. His hand slowly and gracelessly fell to his side.

“There is a stain on your collar, sir,” Jun Liu spoke, startling everyone. He’d been so quiet he almost blended into the background. It was only his breathing and tuh-thub that reminded Kaiba he was still there, and focusing on the detectives, Kaiba had tuned those out. However captivating the noises were, they were still so much softer than talking.

“There are plenty of stains on my clothes. I assume this one is different.”

“It looks like it could be dried blood, sir.”

Kaiba’s mouth went into an ‘o’. Maybe it did happen. Unfortunately, before he could further process this new information, Detective Wasseem cut in, “While we are on the topic, what about the blood on your hand. How did that get there?”

Kaiba hesitated then shrugged. “Must have cut myself on something in the dumpster.”

“Are you aware that one of the garbage truck’s windows was shattered? By the looks of it, whoever attacked those people, busted the window in order to get to the driver. Most of the glass was on the driver's seat, and the seat belt was even ripped apart rather than unbuckled.”

“What does that ha-” Kaiba was in the middle of snapping back, when he saw his hand again. The web of red across his hand was formed of a number of little streaks, exactly what one would expect if shards of glass had fallen across it. He touched his fingers with his left hand. It felt normal, unharmed. He looked back at Detective Wasseem, who glared at him incredulously, while Detective Ito for once did not attempt to offer any hope. The evidence did seem fairly damning.

But, it also was completely ridiculous. “First, you would think my hand would still be hurting if I punched through the window of a truck, and it doesn’t hurt at all. Second, I don’t think I’m physically capable of ripping apart a seat belt, even if- if- I wanted to. Third, what do you think I did? Hop into a dumpster, wait four days, abandoning my brother and my company in the process, only to jump out and murder some garbage collectors I’ve never met before. Oh, and then walk up here to report it. Do you realize what you’re saying?”

Detective Ito responded. “We aren’t saying we know exactly what happened, but a number of details are suspicious, your hand among them. The bodies were still warm; they couldn’t have been there that long. Chances are you were there when they were murdered, and unless we check the tapes and find that someone left the garage not too long before you woke up, then you are by default the only suspect. You are right that things don’t entirely add up in any case, but you see why we have to check.”

“Or, you could realize that your only suspect is sheet white, hasn’t eaten any solid food in four days, and still smells like the deepest pits of hell,” A mysterious voice announced, causing Kaiba to almost jump out of his skin. “I’ve seen corpses that looked more alive.”

It took a moment Kaiba’s eyes to find the source of the voice, which turned out to be a dark skinned man in a suit with a white turban wrapped loosely around his head. But, something was wrong, deeply wrong. After a second, Kaiba realized that he wasn’t hearing anything from the man, not any footsteps, not a breath, and certainly not a tuh-thub. Taking a quick sniff, he realized that there were no new scents either. He could see the man and hear the man speak, but otherwise it was like he wasn’t there. With that Kaiba started to realize just how quickly he came to expect those senses, even as he tried to deny and ignore them.

Maybe this was proof that he wasn’t actually hearing- Kaiba loathed to acknowledge it with a name- heartbeats. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be hearing or smelling these things. He was just out of it after being missing. In a dumpster. For four days. The stranger in front of him was normal.

The thought provided some comfort but didn’t stop the alarms going off in his head.

However, as Kaiba stared, wide eyed at the man, the two detectives were already talking. “Well, I can’t say whether I was expecting to see you here. You tend to work nights, but no one could find you around. Shannon said she hadn’t seen you around the department the past few days. Yet, somehow you always manage to show up.” Detective Wasseem almost spat the words out.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on something, but I appear where I am needed.”

The statement made Detective Ito laugh. “Of course you do. That’s why you have your finger in every pie in the department. And, you mention corpses looking more alive. I’ve never seen a corpse that sarcastic. And, for somebody who hasn’t eaten or drunk for four days, he seems fairly alert. Again, not saying he did it, but it is fairly odd, don’t you think.”

“Odd, perhaps. However, life contains many odd things, most of which we never know the rhyme or reason for. It doesn’t mean there isn’t any, though. The shock of waking up to that scene may have fed him some adrenaline. He may be pushing forward on willpower alone. He may be ignoring all the warning signs his body is sending him. We would never know just looking. Asking him may work, but there is a chance that even he does not know himself.” The strange man looked directly at him.

Kaiba blinked. They were talking about him, weren’t they? He curled his lip back in distaste. “I’m… no, I’m not entirely fine.” He continued staring at the stranger. “You haven’t introduced yourself.”

“Sorry for my rudeness.” The stranger gave a professional smile and bobbed his head. “I’m Detective Shadi. I was spearheading the investigation into your disappearance, and as such, I should have gotten here earlier. As said, there is important business I have to keep track of, and your sudden reappearance was quite the surprise.”

“It’s not like you were that much later than these bozos,” Kaiba snorted. Detective Shadi’s presence or lack thereof may be off putting, but he could still be useful. “Perhaps you can talk some sense into them.”

Detective Wasseem rolled her eyes. “If there is any sense in the Domino Police Department, it certainly wouldn’t come from Shadi. He transferred in half a year ago and has had the captain under his thumb ever since. He doesn’t have a partner and gets whatever cases fit his fancy. I’m not sure it even matters if he makes progress on them. Plus, whatever important business he’s talking about wasn’t with the department, and he hadn’t even put in leave. I don’t doubt the captain will somehow manage to ignore this, like everything else he does, but if you don’t want to look suspicious, he’s not the guy you want on your side.”

Detective Shadi seemed unfazed by the disparagement. “Maybe not me, but reason might convince you. If you leave him tonight, it's not like he can go anywhere. Not only is he the richest person in the city, but his face has also been plastered all over the news after his disappearance. If he wanted to avoid notice, he’d have to crawl back into a dumpster and even then eventually he’d have to feed. Let him go. You can get a warrant later.”

“Maybe,” Detective Wasseem said. “But, there’s still the issue of his health. ‘Not entirely fine’ is a long ways off from the condition we would expect someone with his story to be in. He should check into the hospital on the way home. It would be good to have a professional opinion on his condition.” She pressed her lips together and glanced at the ground. “You are right that he is a bit pale, and when we shook hands, he felt cool to the touch. He should probably get that checked out.”

Detective Shadi opened his mouth and then closed it before putting his finger tips together, glancing upward, and muttering something quick. He then looked directly at Kaiba. “Well, it seems like… a reasonable enough request.”

“And a necessary one for both the detectives here and myself,” Kaiba conceded. On one level, he felt physically fine. Better in fact than he had before the incident, which was a confusing and scary thought.  What if Detective Shadi was right and he was ignoring something?  There were of course signs. The sounds and smells that shouldn’t exist. The paleness and apparently coolness of his skin. The blood on his collar and across his fingers. What if he got home only to collapse on the floor? Kaiba wasn’t even sure why he was alive; the prospect of this all catching up to him didn’t sound far fetched.

“That would be satisfactory then.” Detective Wasseem did not sound or smell satisfied, but she put both her pen and her notepad away.

“I guess we’ll go back to examining dead bodies and pondering the depravity of human nature. Though, considering your clothes are covered in evidence, it would be great if you dropped them off at evidence. Later of course.” And, with that Detective Ito went back to lighthearted laughs and reassuring smiles. The two then turned to leave.

Kaiba turned towards Detective Shadi. “Are you going to be leaving as well?”

“There is something I would like to discuss with you before you leave, but if you have other business to attend to first, I can wait.”

Kaiba raised an eyebrow. “Surely, then, this can wait until another day.”

“No.”

“So, you think this is more important than a murder investigation?” Kaiba almost laughed.

Detective Shadi did not even blink at the question. “The investigation pertains to lives already lost due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control. What I come with now is a warning about what we can control and the lives, both yours and of those around you, that may be at stake.”

Well, if that wasn’t ominous. Though, perhaps Detective Shadi had some information on the boy who attacked him. While Detective Shadi was odd, he also seemed reasonable and competent, and Kaiba decided to hear him out. “I can’t imagine the scene I woke up to being an accident, but since you’re willing to wait, I have to first clean up. I’m not sure I can stand another moment smelling like this.”

Notes: As in the last chapter, one thing I’m doing with this work is having a lot of fun with limited perspectives, where no one has a complete idea of what is going on. Except maybe Shadi, but even Shadi has blind spots. Needless to say it was fun to write.

Bonus points if you can guess what Shadi was keeping an eye on. 

Also, I spent more time sifting through for typos this time, but there’s still a chance (probablilty sadly close to 1) that some made it through.

Thank you to @holybikinisbatman for helping me come up with names for Jun Liu and Detective Wasseem (her first name is Maram).

Fun facts: Jun Liu used to be in the military and Arnold does cross fit. 

[parvinasseaynk72insurance-blog]

Subaru Tribeca Cheap Insurance

Subaru Tribeca Cheap Insurance

Subaru Tribeca Cheap Insurance

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[theninjasanctuary]

Another year in review.

This will be long and poorly organized, because I have mixed feelings about this one. It was really harsh in some respects, then again I found the resilience to cope, and some things went well.

I’ll start with what stands out the most to me: haven’t done the numbers (will see once I get my income tax data), but I believe this is probably my worst year, income-wise, in at least a decade. I had 1/4 of a day job for 8 months, then no job for 1,5 months (but couldn’t sign up for unemployment benefits because I was teaching), then got 1/2 of a day job for the remaining 2,5 months, which now earns me just slightly above minimum wage. Also lost a long-term, boring, but relatively ok-paying side gig at the start of the year. So I took on as many side jobs as I could, which was gratifying in some ways (opportunities were easy to find, the feedback was good, etc.), but they also have mostly frustrated me with how little and how late they pay (teaching in particular). Got one small grant in October, which really helped me out, otherwise I’d definitely be finishing the year in debt. I am still finishing pretty broke with no savings, but at least I’m being owed several hundreds of € for completed work. And I’ve been able to pay not just the bills but somehow afford a fair amount of my wants and needs as well (no-frills but decent skincare, some travel, some wardrobe updating, a great new phone), which is definitely better than I feared, so I’m not exactly unhappy with this outcome. However, I must not lose sight of this not being enough. I want to be able to afford the most basic adult things like furniture and driving lessons, and currently I can’t. Many plans fell through this year, not least another grant application that was supposed to get me a decently paying, full-time job for 5 years. I can just about exist on this income level, but just about existing is fucked and unacceptable at my age. So I must locate some way of increasing my income considerably, and soon.     

On the work front, there’s a number of unmet goals, primarily pieces of writing I need to finish. However, my self-esteem has tentatively recovered, in part due to the relative ease of freelancing, and the fact that I seem to be doing ok at the new job so far. I can’t think of any particular highlights, but it seems nothing went majorly wrong for once (except for that grant application getting rejected, but that wasn’t on me personally). Not feeling quite so low about my ability and skillset any more must be counted as a big plus. I also met my goal of writing a) more, and b) at least partly for pleasure, and it felt as good as I expected, and the money I made from it helped too, even if it wasn’t much. And I think all of the presentations and public speaking I did went well this year, too.  

Health-wise, things could certainly have been better. The random, life-first proper UTI in April was surely the lowest point. I’ve been vigilant as hell since then, eating probiotics daily, and am slowly growing less paranoid about getting another. Still, looking over my entries, I’ve spent big chunks of the rest of the year being stressed and complaining about either sleep problems, bizarre heart problems, fever, etc. Did have a full endocrinology checkup and dosage adjustment in the summer, so thyroid issues have been in check since then. Had a thorough heart checkup in September and October which found nothing of concern, thankfully. Minor injuries (ankle and wrist sprains, etc.) showed up from nowhere, but healed fine. The 2 consecutive viral colds in December have been annoying and frankly unnecessary, but it’s not as if I could have prevented them. Also, there are a couple of more check-ups I’ve been needing to book, but have kept postponing, so that’s not good either.

Relationships: doing fine in my modest and introverted way, as usual. The extreme heatwave in the summer and then being overwhelmed with work in the autumn were detrimental to socializing, but otherwise things have been pretty good. Grateful to have the friends I’ve got and the time I got to spend with them. Not to jinx it, people at the new office seem ok too.

What I’m happy about: I made time to read and to watch anime. For most of the year, I got a decent amount of exercise, taking breaks when I was ill or when the temperatures posed an actual health risk. No drastic weight changes, am about the same as last year. Despite budget constraints, I think I looked pretty good for the most part, so there’s that (already made a separate post about my skincare highlights of the year). I’m glad I undertook the effort to get my ear piercings to collaborate again, haven’t had any issues with them since. Looking back at what I wrote at the end of last year, I did not get haircuts as often as I’d have liked, for money reasons, and when I did treat myself, the result was actually a slight letdown. Must try again towards this spring.

I also did not spend all that much time outdoors as I would have liked, I guess, for various reasons (including the hottest summer of my life kind of overwhelming me, as faint as that memory seems now), but there were some quality highlights. This too is something I need to try improving next year.

I did see some new domestic sights, while international travel was brief and limited to places I’d been before - Helsinki, Brussels, Paris, London, but hey, I’m glad I got to go anywhere at all, given how broke I was, and I had a lovely time every time. Only one of these was a work trip, and it was with the boyf and a couple of friends, staying at a very nice hotel I wasn’t paying for, so nothing to complain about even there. 

Glad I managed a necessary tech upgrade. I retired my Fairphone 1 at the end of this year, after almost 5 years. Switching to a new phone went surprisingly smoothly, and it is nice to be able to have some confidence about battery mileage. I haven’t changed my usage habits by much yet though. I keep turning data off and the entire phone off for the night unless I need to set an alarm. I rarely take pictures even though the camera is so, so much better. I still look distorted and weird as fuck in selfies compared to the mirror. And I’m still using the same handful of apps, really... too busy to think about options, if anything, I should tone things down even further. Muting not just only dozens of keywords, but almost everyone I followed on Twitter back in June was a great decision. I did it because the constant influx of extremely distressing news I could do absolutely nothing about was clearly doing me harm at that point. I’ve unmuted exactly 1 person since then, and looking at the list, with most of them, idek why I ever bothered tbh.

A clear upside, compared to the year before: no funerals.

What I should do differently in the new year:

Should not prioritize work over sleep. Just because I can work through the night, doesn’t mean anyone will be thanking me for it, and it’s summarily not good for me. I don’t really know how to handle deadlines in a different way though.

I should try going sugar-free again, because this latest cold has ruined my appetite anyway, and sweet stuff, which I’ve eaten in moderation for most of the year (still much less than I used to), is mostly just disappointing. It would be good to lose a few k before summer at the latest. I don’t need a wardrobe overhaul, I just need to look better in what I’ve already got.

I might also try giving up red meat, not that I consume a lot of it in the first place. I don’t enjoy it that much anyway, and it’s bad for the environment. I think I could easily go from “sometimes” to only “when I can’t be bothered explaining my dietary choices to my mother”.

I should buy less bread, because too much of it goes to waste. I like toast, but bloody hell, it would be more practical if I could buy like 4 slices at a time. Yeah, the uneaten stuff gets composted, but I still don’t like wasting food.

Should aim to keep up a good routine of AHA and BHA on my face and KP-prone parts (my arms looked much better this summer), and should locate a vit C product that is gentle, stable and free from awful texture issues (my current options are too harsh or have awful texture issues).

Should focus on putting effort into long-term goals and not get mired down in getting through mundane to-do-lists. Be ambitious. Aim big. Turn down offers I don’t like even if I could use the money.

Should aim to have more sex. This year has not been great. Too much work, too fucking hot to even consider it, health issues, etc., etc.

Should work on improving my stamina. Bike rides, maybe a little running. Definitely badminton.

Should also buy a new swimsuit and go to a spa sometimes.

[bostonbun-blog1]

they need you more than you need them

This morning I spent a good hour of my work time leisurely strolling back and forth between old desk and new desk; transporting my hard drive, screens and other necessities to be moved, one at a time, to my new spot.

In light of my Liberate Your Life agenda, I took my time and enjoyed every minute of it.  In fact, I made quite a nice moment of it.  A good long and well-deserved moment. 

I did it in my work hours instead of waiting for my lunch hour, and you know why?  Because I deserve to work in peace.  My desk was cramped, hardly up to scratch and in the worst location possible...and Everyone deserves to be happy where they work.  

Photo by Vladimir Kudinov

I might seem like a lazy exaggeration-driven queen, or that “self-entitled” office asshole for blatantly taking my sweet time, but anyone’s expectation of work ethic is not my responsibility and the truth is, I don’t feel obliged to others anymore.  yaaassss

I have been at my job for 4.5 years.  I worked amazingly hard for the first, second and (give or take) third year.  To be quite honest, I still work efficiently anyway...I just don’t break my back anymore over things that I can’t control and are not my fault, and I don’t take my employee agreement for granted.

I do know it’s entirely up to me where I put myself in life and who I decide can have at least some control around me.  In some office jobs, I think a lot of us surrender too much control and we don’t realise it. 

This business runs on the legs of its workers.  The suited-up brains get to choose the where to and how we should move, and get healthy remuneration for it.  I might have my pessimism hat on about this, but I promise I’ll try and keep a positive point to all this. 

No doubt there is management who deserve their titles and pay packet, and companies out there that actually look favourably at their workforce and have integrity and benefits amongst them...but I just don’t work in that type of environment and thus I judge this place hard.

Truth is, if we were all to strike and walk right out of here, the job would collapse.  It would take all of us but we could never do this because our hands are tied to begin with and that gamble is too great.  How could we then pay for our rent, our bills, our families or our food?  The 9 to 5 grind is the lesser of two evils so far. 

And fine, I guess this business model is a as old as time, but I hold this question: who does it really benefit?  

I’ve seen many management styles through my four team leaders over time.  I’ve also worked at this business in two different offices.  The first office was really nice.  It was 40-odd minutes from the city and surrounded by green hills with a decent-sized shopping complex tucked into the valley.  Sadly those hills are quickly being covered by lot spaces though.

The inside was so spacious and so were the desks.  It was a really nice set up, and obviously new.  All other offices I have seen fail in comparison to that one.  The leadership to match was super lenient and preferred hyper-kindness as opposed to straight-foward...ism. 

This current office I have been at for a year and a bit now is located right in the city central and is in a Government building. This office is old, as is the rest of the place.  It’s also a bit small but it’s sturdy, and to be honest it’s cosy.  Leadership on the other hand is blunt, it feels active with some grit but is very cloaked and we seem kept at an arm’s distance.

I don’t know what it is about services that stand under the umbrella of the Government, but there are a lot of budget issues, lack of funding and overall ancient set ups still in place.  My knowledge isn’t all that much when it comes to politics and Govt budgets but I can’t be wrong in being hopeful that there needs to be a better open-door policy with where our tax dollars are going.  

I can accept honesty even if it’s offensively true.  If the bosses tell us what goes on up in the sky, I would respect them.  I would be disheartened by the truth that we are underpaid because the filter is a little too tight up there, but I would be happy to know I’m not being fed a false hope for “change” or being pushed into an agenda of “togetherness” when really what we’re going to be doing is two jobs for the price of one.  

In fact, why is there no full disclosure about things such as this?  Why is talking about income taboo and why, if you’re on the lowest rank, are you not allowed to know what goes on above you?  This isn’t necessarily in business either, politics and the Government no doubt are notorious for this.  There really isn’t any excuse for secrecy.  There is only secrecy when there is something to hide.

The state of morale is grim, and it does become unbearable when you wake up and see just how restricting the capped pay is, catering for endless expenses, hidden fees and costs that keep you at a simmer.  It’s no wonder we turn to anything else to give us some bit of enjoyment and distraction from this mundane reality.  It takes a lot of mental gonads to even stay strong enough to peel every single layer of heavy that holds us in place.

My time at the old office had a lot of ladies who worked there and sadly some were just mean girls in older bodies.  Some were neurotic and worked too hard for no reason, some were expert slackers and then some swam in-between.  

Everyone complained, but the neurotic ones were the ones who complained the loudest.  The complaint was always the same too: Pay, disclosure of management-level info, work practises...and pay.

They hissed and murmured, but never saw any difference.

Do not get caught out waiting for change.  Make change happen!  

I am wiser now.  It did take a long time to stop feeling so self-conscious or feeling bad if other’s were displeased.  But when you get there, it’s liberating. 

I no longer feel guilt from other people about when I have my vacation time because I am entitled to it.  Even if I have to leave work early for personal matters.  It’s nobody’s business but mine.

The controlling mentalities of some people seem to reach out like invisible claws to hold you in your seat and make you work to their standards.  I don’t understand people who think everyone should be working as hard as them and put it upon themselves to tell you or make you or bully you.

I was but an innocent newborn when I first started in the corporate world.  I had a lot of preconceived ideas of how work was, and I fulfilled what I had been programmed to believe: work hard for peanuts, be nice to others and take everything on the chin.  I was a child amongst so many older people that it was just natural I be seen as the underling and treated as such.  

Power plays are like fixes for the truly unhappy ones, which scarily is a good 70% of the team.   Fresh on the scene, I was an up and comer and possibly a threat...but for what?  There was no promotion to fight for and no pay rise over each other.  Thats the thing about this job.  It’s a clock in/clock out structure. You don’t get weighed down by anyone if you don’t let it.  

People are just amazing.  I’m not even being sarcastic, they truly are.  Amazing good and amazing bad.

My heart really goes out to those trapped in this mindset to always have other people’s lives and ethics in the front of their mind.  Those who feel better when they know they’ve dominated a gentler person.  

I am here for you, if you are a kind and misunderstood person because I know the struggle and the weight of all those unhappy thumbs.  It sucks but that’s on them.  

Remember, their displacement of blame just to feel better is not a reflection of you.