#everyday i wake up and feel like a failure

[aintmyjewelry]

I do think i need to delete instagram

[fhrlclln]

I’ve been living for the Qimir fanfics. Can you write one where reader and him were lovers in the Jedi together, he thought she died, but actually the Jedi wiped her memory. When he bumps into her again he’s FURIOUS but also just happy that she’s alive and tries to get her memory back. Lots of angst but with a happy ending?👀

and here you stand | qimir

SUMMARY -> a man in your dreams feels like a distant memory you cannot seem to touch upon but when a particular meeting with a man in the streets of olega might be the answer to everything.

qimir x fem! reader

masterlist

GENRE -> angst & fluff

WC -> 2.85k

a/n: aNONz i hope this fic is what you requested for!!! i tried my best with the angst 😩🤌

likes, comments and reposts are greatly appreciated !! <3

enjoy !!

the dream always started out softly...

a glimpse of a man with short black hair, dawning a padawan braid, smiling and laughing with you in the gardens of the jedi temple in coruscant. he’d always kissed you and for a moment in the dream, you could feel his hands gently caress your cheek and see the loving gaze of his eyes on you. but the dream was always somewhat blurry... you can't remember the young man's face but his laughter, his love you feel is everything to you. it was comforting, it felt like home but the moment his laughter ends, the dream did as well.

and you wake up with a longing feeling stuck in your chest.

you'd try to remember your times as a former jedi, a former padawan in your time in coruscant. hoping you could somehow remember the man in your dreams, for it felt it was a distant memory than a dream but it always ended up with no avail. it was painful enough that you missed being back in coruscant and to reoccur those memories again in hopes of remembering who the man in your dreams makes it even more painful.

that's until you had just given up at some point on remembering him.

you now reside in a humble planet called olega. the city was large enough for you to explore it in your first days of living there. you opened up a merchant stall, selling the local fruits and vegetables for consumption. leaving the order was a tough decision the council had made upon you, you were a gifted student, gifted with the force. it was strong within you but alas, you failed, you could not somehow learn to control your own self- your own emotions. you can't remember why back then and it haunts you to this day of your failure as a jedi.

but that didn't matter now.

your quiet life of being a merchant had its perks. you were not bound by an order anymore. there were no more responsibilities and expectations placed upon you. you didn't need to train every single day- but sometimes you missed your training lessons. you did miss your former master and padawans, for they were the second family to you. even if it was told that at that time, familial or romantic feelings were forbidden, you still saw them like that.

granted, it was hard to fall back into the normal routine of an everyday civilian. you had been with the order since you were a child. you still would close off your emotions from time to time with the people you grew to know with in olega, but you got the hang of it eventually in the years of living here. but sometimes you wished to go back to coruscant, hoping if you'd visit the gardens and the great tree, you might remember the man in your dreams.

but here you are, standing behind your stall as you packaged the fresh fruits for a customer. you handed to them with a smile on your face and humbly accepted their credits. you sigh, sitting on your stool as you counted your savings to see if it would cover the rent you have to pay for this month. it was enough, your stall was popular in demand because of how fresh your picks was and you were grateful for that. you stand up again, noticing that you had to close now, seeing that almost all your merchandise was sold.

"closing off early again?" the cheery voice of your fellow merchant quips. you laugh, shrugging as you started packing away.

"i am!" you chuckled, checking if everything is in place before you could leave. you adjusted your satchel as you put on your hood, bidding your fellow merchants a kind goodbye as you went off.

a hot meal would be nice, you think to yourself, before you'd head home. walking through a crowd, you squeeze yourself in as you excused yourself to get by. the heart of the plaza certainly was always full of people at this time. for a moment, a watchful feeling washed over your senses as you look up ahead.

your eyes meet with a man’s. his black hair is slightly disheveled and greasy and the way his eyes were set upon you made you confused for a moment how hard his stare was. you look away, getting out of the crowd, an uneasy feeling settling in your chest as you walk away quickly.

qimir stands still in the middle of the plaza, his heart is thumping loudly against his ribcage. it couldn't be you. he doesn't know if the glimpse of you in the crowd was a mere apparition of the force but the way you looked at him had him thinking otherwise. you disappear from the crowd and he is hot on his feet to catch up to you.

he watches you go into an alley way, he follows in-suit, thinking that you’re trying to escape him. his nostrils flare, his agenda for today to go to the local apothecary is out of his plans as he follows you.

he watched you die.

he was sure of it, that memory of you of pushing him into his own ship whilst you stand guard to help him buy him some time to get out of coruscant never left his mind. it haunted him until he lives and breaths and it enraged him that you foolishly given your life for him to flee before his own former master would have killed him.

you were supposed to be together, right?

he thinks bitterly as he squeezes in the alley way. a lot of questions pop in his mind, were you still with the jedi after all you and him have suffered through because of them? that you willingly stayed? that you faked your own death just to leave him? those thoughts made him feel betrayed. you were his light when he was in the darkness. you were the one that understood him despite your refusal to let yourself be seduced by the dark path. he understood you as well yet he hoped that you would see truth that what the jedi do is all a lie.

he quickens his steps and your figure is starting to inch closer to him. he immediately reaches out to grab your arm and push you towards the wall making you gasp as you struggled in his tight death grip as he cages you with his whole body before you could defend yourself.

“let go!” you yelled at him as he ignored your angry yelps as you tried to get out of his grip. he merely stares down at you as you looked up at him. he observes, waiting if an emotion of guilt would cross your face… but there was none? only confusion and annoyance were plastered across your face. and he somehow indulges in your close distance, the feeling of you in front him again has him weak. here you are, warm and smelling the same after years since he had fallen into a rabbit hole of revenge and hatred for the jedi that he thought they killed you.

“i said-“ you weakly tried to pry him off you. your heart was beating so loudly, fearing what this unknown man would do to you. you wished for a moment that the force could help you. he was much stronger, you could tell, even if he looked like a twig underneath his robes. “-let go!”

“you… you’re supposed to be dead.” he breaks his silence. your brows raised with confusion. dead? you wonder if this man was crazy for thinking of you like that. not once did you remember angering any person here for this kind of response.

“i’m standing right here, buddy.” you roll your eyes as he lessens his grip on your arm. and here you do stand, qimir thinks. you relax for a bit as the hard stare he gives you softens slightly. something in him tells him that you don’t even recognize him. and that makes him worried.

“do you know me?” he tests his theory, hoping it was not true. you know him, you would never forget about him.

you two were your other halves of each other’s body, soul and mind, never to be separated even if the cosmos were in between you two. you would always find each other in the end. even in death, you were his other soul, the half of his battered and broken heart. he knows you vow the same as he heard those vows underneath the great tree in the gardens of the jedi temple in coruscant.

i will never forget you. as you had said to him when his lips last touch yours before you threw him into his ship, leaving him in agony seeing you turn on your saber before his master slashes you with her saber.

i love you, qimir.

he blinks wetly. there’s a hollow feeling inside his chest when he sees that you don’t genuinely recognize him the slightest bit.

“…no? no, i don’t know you. look, sir, if you have any problem with me or you want money, i have some credits-“

“what i want is for you to tell me the truth.” he cuts you off, wondering if you were lying as he tries to peer into your mind. he feels furious, furious that you are acting like this but the desperation… the desperation of trying to see you at least recognize him is taking over. you feel the hum of the force, so familiar even if it had been years since you trained. but it wasn’t just that, his force felt familiar.

“…you wield the force.” you say as your eyes widened when you feel him try to pry in your mind. an instinct in you erupts as you somehow managed to surprise him by grabbing him by his arm and the collar of his robe then pushed him into the wall that you were pressed against, making the roles reverse. qimir lets you do that as he looks down at you, a sadness in his eyes as he realizes that you don’t remember him.

what happened to you?

“you don’t remember me…” he whispers, defeated. he grips your wrist gently as a congested look of hurt is across his face.

“and you know me?” you ask, somehow feeling like he knows you more intimately than you had expected. confusion is breaking your calm mind, it frightens you that somehow you feel like what he’s saying is so close to the truth but you can’t discern it clearly. you know nothing of him. you let him go and qimir almost wobbled in his knees when your touch is gone.

he nods and your chest suddenly hurts. you back away, frightened and confused, it was overwhelming that you feel for him but don’t remember him. before qimir could utter anything else, you walk away. he watches you go, sensing that something was wrong. something had been wiped away in your mind with the memories of him and he feels lost. the one person that had stayed with him throughout his grievances and frustrations, the one good person he thought dead and the one woman he loved doesn’t remember him.

he’ll have to talk to you again when he wills himself.

・゜゜・．

it had been days since you last saw that strange man and your dreams have been getting even more vivid.

it was scaring you.

remembering the look in his eyes, you saw that he did in fact know you. but you don’t know him. sometimes when you wake up now after dreaming of that young man in your dreams, it felt like something in you was lost. and that your mind was actively trying to remember, trying to hold on what was missing but it always fails. and it leaves you feeling so lost and confused.

you sit by your bed now. you haven’t started your day like the usual. you felt sick, nauseous and incredibly exhausted of trying to will yourself to remember that strange man. his touch felt familiar when you remember it, his voice was somehow a comfort and his gaze… you know you would be in trance with those dark eyes of his that spoke of tenderness.

your eyes felt heavy as the sun peaks through the blinds of your windows. you sigh, weakly trying to get up. you felt you were about to fall back onto your bed again until a knock on your door surprises you. you freeze, the knocks then grew more louder and you sighed, thinking it was your landlord as you get up, wrapping your cloak around you.

you push the red button on the control panel as the sound of your door swiftly opening doesn’t ready you for him to be standing by your doorstep. you freeze, seeing that he’s dressed in another way-too-huge robes on him. he looks at you for a moment, taking in your face of confusion.

“i just want to talk.” he pleads and you stay frozen in your spot for a moment, wondering if you want to talk with him. but deep inside, your heart is telling you yes as it beats loudly.

“okay.” you say quietly as you let him in. qimir relaxes as you close the door once he crosses the threshold and he stands inside your small apartment.

“how long have you been living here?” he asks, looking around the place. “in olega… i mean.”

“seven… eight years, i think?” you answer as best as you can. “i stayed in coruscant for a couple of months before moving here.”

“why?” he asks further, confused.

“i left the jedi… i used to be a jedi.” you shrug. “it was the council’s decision why i couldn’t continue my training.”

“because?”

“…i- because they said i didn’t control my self, my emotions.” you sighed, not liking that you were telling this stranger of your failure. a stranger that you somehow know. you remind yourself.

“and you’re sure the council had told you that was their true reasons for letting you go?” he faces you, understanding bit by bit what happened to you. "they lied."

“why do you ask me? are you a jedi or was- as well?” you ask him now.

“i was.” he nods bitterly.

you blink. “then how do you know me?”

“we were…” he starts, finding his words to try and let this information on you easily. your memories were wiped as far as he could tell. he thinks that vernestra orchestrated to do this to you when they had disarmed you at some point after he had escaped. for it was to conceal those outside the jedi order of his existence and that it may put them in a political disaster. he scoffs at that in his mind. he wills himself not to go to the local jedi temple and slaughter master torbin himself for this, out of spite he’ll kill them all in there.

“you and i, we shared a bond.” he softly says as he nears you and you let him. “a bond that the order told us that it was forbidden.”

you blink, understanding what he meant. did the jedi lied to you? you think, feeling betrayed by the order that you had respected could do this to you. his soft gaze felt familiar and you reel in to his gentle voice. qimir’s chest filled with hope seeing you slowly start to understand him even though you still don’t know him.

“i am yours.” he takes your hand to his, placing it above his chest. “and you are mine.”

“and together…” those words leave your lips without even you registering it for a moment as he presses his forehead against yours. you shudder, your eyes welling up with tears, feeling overwhelmed as this felt like the scene in your dreams. this man was the young man in your dreams. you realized, why you somehow feel like you know him.

vows in the gardens, whispering it underneath the great tree. two padawans’ hearts beating with one another and the sweet song of love fills their chests as they become one. bound to eternity forever.

“we are bound to each other forever.” he finishes as he wipes the tears streaming down your face.

“i want to remember you…” you sobbed, your own chest hurting for not remembering him. this man that you had just met days ago but felt like you’ve known him forever. qimir smiles sadly as he pulls you into his arms. you cried on his shoulder, loving the way his arms felt around you.

you don’t even know his name and it breaks your heart again.

“i’ll help you remember. we found each other again.” he vows and promises he’ll make you remember. his own eyes wetting with his tears as he nuzzles his face on your soft hair and he whispers. “i promise.”

but all that matters now is that you are with him at last.

[angel-purger]

⁰¹ As Lovers Do - Yandere! Geto Suguru x Gn! Reader

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      Cross-posted on Quotev (@.oc34n1d) and Wattpad (@.heart-stricken)

      9,100+ Words.

      —    Request by the very pleasant Nana ! It took me quite some time to be able to finish this but I really liked how this turned out and I hope you all did too. Again, if you want more detailed one-shots or headcanons, don't be afraid to explain to me in detail about what you want! Writing Geto's shift to obsession was really enjoyable and he's a really complex character. Alongside that, but accurate characterization for both the reader and Geto is so hard to write, so apologies if this took some time to be published. Scroll down for more notes.

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⠀ ⠀Protect human lives, sacrifice your own if you will; devour what is evil. Protect humans, do everything in your power to do so, but never expect to  be appreciated by the public eye, shun away from society's admiration— instead being a topic if scorn for being different. 

⠀ ⠀Geto abides by his ideology, engraving it in his mind without thought.

⠀ ⠀Protect humans, you are a jujutsu sorcerer for that sole reason.

⠀ ⠀Are human lives worth saving? 

⠀ ⠀He can never eviscerate the bitter taste of curses. An unwashed, soiled, and iniquitous taste of death. Like a rag used to repeatedly wipe vomit, feces, and every vile chemical mixed into one. He can taste death, he can feel it lump at his throat at every second; ascending gradually with its acuate, protruding claws. He wants to cry, but every time tears well in his eyes, he is faced with the constant reminder of her death.

⠀ ⠀Riko Amanai, a failed mission, a dead vessel, subsequently leading to the stillbirth of immortality's mortal body to be renewed with Riko's body. Subsequently leading to a doomed future for the lives of people within Japan— a haunting reflection of his failures, failures he could've avoided if he was fast enough, strong enough to predict that fucking bullet.

⠀ ⠀Why wasn't he fast enough?

⠀ ⠀The very morals he so pridefully upheld, all crushed with one single mission. He is a disgrace.

⠀ ⠀Gojo was wrong. Geto and Gojo will never be the "two strongest" sorcerers. There can only be room for number one, and Geto will always be second. Second strongest, second best— so much so to the point that his presence doesn't shine as bright as it ever will be once Gojo is in the room. But that's alright, right? After all, he believes that working under the shadows to mitigate human deaths, without the feel to need gratitude from the very lives he saves, is what is right. And what is right is what is just, right?

⠀ ⠀He discovered that the water inside the shower is frigid when you are alone with only your thoughts accompanying you; like ice shards expending down on his back, like the stab of that human monkey (who defeated him so easily, he can't bring himself to admit). It stabs and it stabs and it stabs. And then he spirals, eyes diluting at the images of defeat. Then suddenly the world around him becomes an audience to his silent suffering. He can hear the cult members smiles, feel every bit of bile rise up his throat, taste the sin of death once more.

⠀ ⠀Geto is done showering.

⠀ ⠀Every day is a loop. Rinse and repeat. Wake up, eat, bathe, missions, more missions, explore some uncharted areas of the city, guarantee that it is safe from curses, go home, rest, dinner, sleep. There are moments where they interchange, but they never change.

⠀ ⠀Very few mention Riko Amanai. After all, she is a topic taboo now, especially since it heavily affected both Gojo and Geto's mentality. In more than different ways in fact.

⠀ ⠀He wants to stop thinking about her. Distractions are not needed in an era full of brimming human life— life that Geto has to, again, protect.

⠀ ⠀Just as he is about to leave his dorm after putting on his everyday school attire (making a mental note to skip breakfast and eat lunch alone), he is notified of a mission. A mission where he has to accompany a rookie sorcerer, a student like him admittedly, and it was a concept he wasn't accustomed to. After all, he was surrounded by talented people, and in a sea of talents, he felt more like a drop of dew— so maybe, despite the strange request from his Sensei, Masamichi Yaga, this would provide him a new opportunity.

⠀ ⠀He hopes it does. Your profile exhibits your meek countenance, like any normal civilian, but you seem strong enough to be scouted. There's not much of a significant presence you display when he read through your documents. Or so he thought.

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⠀ ⠀You became his new, temporary partner (he insists on that status on you, donning a pretty fake smile through his growing eyebags). It was surprising, really, to see you up close after reading through your files. The moment he met you eye-to-eye did he realize you share the same height as him, a few centimeters taller, he could estimate.

⠀ ⠀Geto's preliminary view of you was taken aback when you, albeit awkwardly, mingled with him after both greeting each other. You treated him warmly- like any normal person would- despite being strangers in the eyes of passerby's. Walking on the sidewalk, pretending that the mission you both (more-so you, than him, as he was simply there to accompany you in case of a problematic event) were to undergo didn't involve harrowing exorcism and countless condolences from any deaths involved.

⠀ ⠀Before he could mutter anything further, to proceed on the site of your mission, you'd drag him into, as you state, your favorite chain of street foods. Did you want to distract yourself from furthering your shared mission, or were you idiotic enough to forget to eat breakfast that you'd have to drag his bleary body elsewhere to satisfy your needs? He was pleasantly (or was it hesitatingly?) surprised when you beckon him closer to buy any street food that catches his attention, as long as it is within your school allowance.

⠀ ⠀As he was about to differ from your offer (he didn't want to seem rude to you), your lips thin to a line and your eyebrows furrow (though your entire expression does not scream of angered. Perhaps you are befuddled with yourself?), and you beat him to it, insisting that he was going all his way to entertain you and all; that despite being acquainted only for a short while did you notice how his stomach grumbled loudly and how he didn't even notice the noise his own body made. He realized he was the idiot here, that he ignored his human need to consume actual food rather than curses.

⠀ ⠀Prior to his knowledge of you, you're more caring than what he envisaged. Soft. The qualities very unlike a jujutsu sorcerer should possess unless one wishes for death. Yet, that momentary lapse of emotion in your face tells him you are more than experienced in the field work of jujutsu than what he expected— you are soft, but you are dominating. Caring, but challenging.

⠀ ⠀His mind blanks.

⠀ ⠀Then he finds himself licking off the residue of the bits of fish flakes on the side of his mouth after you both decide on takoyaki. You're both on the sidewalk again, with him stealing (prolonged) glances at you— you acting like nothing has happened, matching his pace as- as equals would.

⠀ ⠀It was strange, for him, to experience this type of casual kindness after a period of solitary confinement from his peers. You were merely treating him, as one co-worker does when wanting to pay a favor to a higher up after given assistance. But why, compared to his other classmates, who in more cases than one pay for their occasional food excursion, does he like it when you domineeringly persisted that you should pay for him. Was he becoming soft? Or was it you that tamed a part of him that he swore was nothing?

⠀ ⠀There were cases your body draws nearer to his whilst you try to make small talk - could you even sense how much he could sense you? - where he could feel the visceral heat off the barrier of the pitch-black fabric you wear. Geto swears he didn't mean to, but he could smell the faint perfume you're donning— it was way different to the smell of crimson he's perpetually exposed to.

⠀ ⠀Your smile. The indistinct crinkle of your eyes, eyes that bounce bashfully from his eyes to the surrounding nature. It's as if, despite your mouth moving automatically, attempting to forgo the small-talk that he started, those sneaky eyes of yours always find it way back to meet his.

⠀ ⠀Were you perhaps admiring him after he regained some energy? It wouldn't be the first time. After all, compared to his white-haired best friend, he was always the more charming one of the two, often attracting ladies he seemingly never bat an eye on. And maybe you were just like them; he would forget you after this mission, and you would simply see him as an unreachable force, a special grade sorcerer whose talents would be a force to reckon with—

⠀ ⠀But maybe he wanted you to idolize him, in a way where you couldn't stand as an equal in power, but you could stand beside him with the power to overcome him more intimately, just like how you, a few moments ago, stood your ground; softly glaring at him like how a lover would to their naturally self-neglectful partner. 

⠀ ⠀What was he thinking?

⠀ ⠀If- if maybe he could have known you longer then he would've loved to share his ideologies with you more, share a deeper questioning of society. With how understanding you are, you would empathize with him in a heartbeat. With how quick you slip into the grasp of blunt truth, how easily your eyes would flitter about once faced with a ridiculous statement ("I think it's funny how oblivious humans are, no? They could be killed at any opportunity by curses. How unfortunate is it to be born with nearly no cursed energy... Shouldn't- shouldn't sorcerers just let them be? To rot? After all, saving them means attaining nothing on our part.") he would docilely express— you'd rebut him, but at the same time you would do so with the thought of his ideas in mind.

⠀ ⠀How invigorating must you be?

⠀ ⠀If you share the same sentiment with him then—

⠀ ⠀Then he'll finally have someone to rely on. In a world full of corrupt notions, you could be the only one who would comfort him

⠀ ⠀And God, your presence was really relaxing compared to the odd bunch he surrounds himself with— like a breath of fresh air amidst the fetid scent of curses he devours.

⠀ ⠀The most tantalizing part of you? You haven't even demonstrated your cursed technique, nor your fighting style to him— you've both just arrived at the scene of the crime too. Yet he's convinced that you seem to hold a lot of power over him.

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⠀ ⠀Protect human lives, sacrifice your own if you will. 

⠀ ⠀The more that oh-so inspiring phrase repeats itself in his head like a broken record, the more he's stuck in a predicament of wanting and unwanting the want. He should protect them, the people, no?— God, humans are filthy, they're weak. And sorcerers; they don't deserve to be hidden, treated less...

⠀ ⠀You don't deserve to be undermined, especially by that loathsome family of yours.

⠀ ⠀A few days pass and he finds himself seeking your presence out, alas he couldn't. You were a lower rank than him, stuck with lower-ranking missions— and he's a special grade, dragged into countless complex commissions that would surely tire anyone. Anytime he tries to seek you out, he would find himself in another mission assigned by those abhorrent superiors; and that is merely another day without you.

⠀ ⠀Another day where he drowns in melancholic thoughts in the shower; drowns in what-ifs and the motifs of his supposed success of saving Riko. Yet the more time he spends in the showers without seeing that demulcent, yet potent expression of yours; Geto's imaginations drift from the need to finding any meaning of being a jujutsu sorcerer to yearning for the normalcy you unveiled.

⠀ ⠀When was the last time he was able to inhale so freely without feeling the sharp claws sinking its ways to his hard? When was the last time he exhaled without bile climbing up his throat? It's you he's thinking of again. You he associates with peace.

⠀ ⠀The erratic sprinkle of water from the showers doesn't sound like the cult members' laughs anymore... When he turns it off, the accustomed silence accompanied by pitch-sharp wringing was replaced by whispered voices; all the same sounding, yet they make his tense muscles relax. They all sound like you.

⠀ ⠀And...

⠀ ⠀The urge to strike another conversation with you struck itself into his nerves once more.

⠀ ⠀But he couldn't, even if he wanted to- definitely would.

⠀ ⠀So he- he simply has to find another way to know more about you; to check if you always wear that expression of yours, the one he wishes to engrave in his brain. Not only that but, he needs to evaluate your strengths so he could - in his mind - protect you, right? All throughout the mission you were efficient with utilizing your cursed technique, but in the end you had still ended up with minor injuries; some bruises, others scratches. They could turn major if he wasn't there to watch over you once you're faced with stronger, more complex opponents, no?

⠀ ⠀The idea terrorized itself into the core of his amygdala. He feels fear. He has to know more about you.

⠀ ⠀Because he couldn't find you in the period you both are working, with minimum time for breaks, Geto convicted himself to obtrusive methods of locating you.

⠀ ⠀By locating, that means he simply resorted to stalking you, hence how he discovered your not-as-kind family.

⠀ ⠀Your parents, monkeys, with no ounce of cursed energy whatsoever. Whose talents don't even do jackshit for society— who has the audacity to ridicule you like you're nothing but dirt. Rummaging through files he shouldn't have access to, Geto was revealed with information that you were scouted by the school after they found you coping furiously with your cursed technique after an argument which led you to being kicked out of the house you used to live in.

⠀ ⠀You were unaware of your skill, yet you managed to achieve what other sorcerers take time to master. He finds you not only endearing, but enough to be revered by others. But his prior admiration turned into aggravation soon enough after scanning through your files again.

⠀ ⠀You have nowhere to live other than the highschool you both reside in, no one else for a support system, nothing at all. Hell, you're even financially dependent on the allowance of the high school, yet you even went as far as to treat him like it won't cut your budget. Again, you have nothing. 

⠀ ⠀But he could change that. 

⠀ ⠀He will give you everything you want.

⠀ ⠀If he finds a way to at least convince the higher ups to be given missions that require your presence - he could convince them that he shall be your temporary, no, longterm mentor - then he could be everything for you, and you could care for him too. You both could depend on each other, and he won't be so lonely, no? Won't feel so utterly useless, with no meaning to live life. You could be the very reason he still maintains his cool, the reason why he hasn't killed off those monkeys yet.

⠀ ⠀He will find a way.

⠀ ⠀Geto Suguru always finds a way. He is, after all, a jujutsu sorcerer.

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⠀ ⠀And so you were suddenly wormed beside Geto once more, though you were convinced that this wouldn't be the last time you will be paired with the mysterious man who keeps a composed smile, opposite to when you first met him. His eyebags, too, were smaller, like he has been regaining sleep once more. You couldn't deny that it made him even more handsome than your first impression of him.

⠀ ⠀His curt smile broke into a beam once he noticed you eyeing him up and down. 

⠀ ⠀Compared to last time, he seemed healthier. Was there something that induced a sudden change in him? Of course, you can't really assume anything since you have met him only once, but there's something about him that you couldn't pin-point. Despite shining brighter than before - you could describe him akin to the serene atmosphere of winter - there was a hidden undertone to him that scorches you, and you don't know why but you chose to ignore it in favor of prioritizing the newly assigned mission.

⠀ ⠀Looking back, the superiors' evaluation of you suddenly increased; and now you were paired with the special grade again, with no arbitrary explanation as to why him specifically. But it didn't really affect you personally, so there's no need to worry about anything.

⠀ ⠀In the blink of an eye, he was meticulously closer to you, right hand finding its way to your chin as his index finger beckons you to stare into his eyes. He mutters something under his breath, words you couldn't catch on. Then his smile grew wider than ever, you couldn't deny that it charmed even you.

⠀ ⠀"You sure do love staring at me, huh?" Despite the back of his fingers tenderly rubbing the sides of your chin, you couldn't bring it in yourself to pull back, a magnetic force compelling you to linger in your compromising position. Noticing barely any signs of discomfort, Geto's left hand finds itself holding your right and he brings it up near your chest and squeezes it affectionately.

⠀ ⠀Is he flirting with you?

⠀ ⠀"You must be undressing me with your eyes." He purrs, taking it further and kissing your knuckles whilst maintaining eye-contact with you. To that, you unhurriedly take your hand away from his grip (you swear that you nearly feel his clasp on you tightening for a slight second), and chuckled lightly.

⠀ ⠀Your response was curt, "Well, it feels like you are doing the same thing, no?" It's as if you were pretending the abrupt, sensual action he did didn't affect you one bit. He is, you couldn't deny one bit, incredibly attractive and you'd love to reciprocate the flirting but a reminder that he was a year above you and that you barely even know him clashes its way to your mind. And, for the most part, you only met him once. In that one singular meeting did he not display such provocative insinuations. It was just now that there was a sudden fondness that was triggered.

⠀ ⠀Can you really stand your ground against such a courteous man? Although he was a tad raunchy, maybe it wasn't only towards you? Does it really matter?

⠀ ⠀You're overthinking it, you figured as you snap out of your trance. Looking back at Geto once more, you gaze at him, leisurely, with not a negative thought but instead with goals aligning to your mission once more.

⠀ ⠀It was back again, your tender visage salted with rationale mentality. You've no knowledge about Suguru's increasing fondness of you, but you do know you would, by all odds, reciprocate his adoration of you soon enough.

⠀ ⠀Geto Suguru is a man who works between the line of preservation and consumption. To preserve the preciousness of human lives is a goal he doubts, and to consume curses is an everyday activity he comes to dread— but he was willing to preserve only your life whilst ultimately letting the image of you consume him.

⠀ ⠀Instead of you treating him to a snack before your mission, you find yourself entangled with Geto-kun - he insists on you calling him informally albeit the short time spent together - in your favorite restaurant, ordering your favorite foods and beverages, and chattering with him casually as "friends" do— after the mission. You were about to refuse his invitation but you halted as you were well aware that you did the same for him and it would be hypocritical of you.

⠀ ⠀Geto snickered lightly at your modest display, but was most definitely pleased as he reiterated what you said at your first meeting.

⠀ ⠀"Your stomach grumbled on our way out. You should eat, my treat. After all, a way to a man's heart is through food, yes?"

⠀ ⠀At that statement, you smacked him lightly in the arms and glared, amused, at him with thin lips— your expression then broke out into a laugh as you walked alongside him.

⠀ ⠀At least you could confidently say that by the end of the night that you had thoroughly enjoyed conversing with him. He was not only intellectual with words, but he was persuasive all throughout your debates with him in the restaurant. There were moments you disagreed with his sentiments, especially about humans born with no cursed energy, as you did. Though if you were to weigh it all out, you have made more agreements with him than disagreements and you weren't afraid to voice out your reasonings without invalidating him; he seemed to really like that about you, as you note his pleasant smile all throughout. He never broke his eye-contact with you too, eyes following your mouth forming the counterarguments whilst also acknowledging his assertions.

⠀ ⠀This was the first time in a while that actually liked the concept of debates, since Geto was so pleasing, so receptive of the things you say; like every word matters.

⠀ ⠀You really, really like this man.

⠀ ⠀Since you're aware of the new position assigned to you as his colleague despite not being in the same grade— you find yourself wishing for these "dates" to occur more often by the near future. And by future, you mean at least every week.

⠀ ⠀Perhaps it was a shared sentiment, but you really do feel a spark between you two, a linked closeness that transcends more than just acquaintances despite it being a second meeting. Or... you are perhaps consumed by fatigue from the mission as it is trickier by default when you find yourself working with a special grade.

⠀ ⠀And... Maybe your brain was too preoccupied, but you have never once had the thought of Geto knowing all your favorites cross your mind.

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ────────── ✩ ────────── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ────────── ✩ ────────── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

⠀ ⠀Hours turn into days, days into weeks, and finally weeks turn months— and within that time frame did Geto Suguru experience a blizzard of emotions. All these burst inside of him like fireworks blazing through the midnight sky.

⠀ ⠀Everything was going well with you, of course. Every single day was a period of time where he was able to keep track of you; the time you wake up, eat, shower, even sleep. He knew your hobbies, too, after visiting your dorm whensoever. He even memorized the smell of your room, the various trinkets plastered around your walls, he could locate your bed without hesitation even with a blindfold— Geto could even recall the spots where the early sunlight hits your bed.

⠀ ⠀Every moment spent with you was an opportunity to know you better, on more personal levels. He was the first to know about your habits, those that you typically hide at face value, the ones you were embarrassed to show to your friends— ones only he (not even you were aware) notices and treasures. 

⠀ ⠀It was only fair that he lets you know about him in an equal amount. After all, every known boundary he has ever set were practically nonexistent when it comes to you. 

⠀ ⠀So he lets you in on his deepest darkest secrets. He whispers to you, nightly, about his interests, about his passions, about his greatest fears— the one thing he fears the most, one he has never told anyone; not his family, not his friends, nobody but you— is the alienation he feels from everyone. He has been through everything, he tasted death, and no one could relate to the taste of rot, not even his closest friends. Only you would know, you'll be the only one who holds his heart in your hand, even if he knows that you could betray him at any given moment.

⠀ ⠀But you won't.

⠀ ⠀He tells you all about all the vulnerable parts of him in hopes of garnering your attention on him. And yes you did, every part of you felt pity for him, and he loves the way you react. Geto loves your expressions. Loves the way your face twists to disgust one time, when he described what a mouthful of curses taste like. Or when you'd press your body behind him (he loves just how much you trust him enough to be intimately close to him), arms wrapped around his back, eyes tightly closed, and mouth slightly agape as the cool breeze of the air hits your face violently, as he flew both of you to take an arial view of the city at night, using a curse, of course.

⠀ ⠀Every face you make, obscure or not, triggers intense reactions from the man. So much so he feels like he could die from perspiration the first time you reciprocated his flirting, by kissing his cheeks, taking him aback. Goodness, he won't ever let anything get in between you two, and he most definitely would never forget the instance you smiled lopsidedly at him right after, a slight flush on your face.

⠀ ⠀Menial conversations became in depth discussions when it came to you, even if your responses would sometimes have frivolous undertones in them; Geto would still want to crawl deeper into your brain, have a need to disect every single information you know. Every course of action you make, the black-haired man would always find examples to love about you. Sometimes, it feels like you're a specimen living under his care, but God does he worship you like you are divine in every way.

⠀ ⠀And Geto wasn't merely a special grade sorcerer for nothing (and they are known for using eccentric methods to get what they want). He was right to assume that the more he initiated on displaying his liking for you, through actions especially, the more you grow increasingly fond of him, but not to his levels of... obsession.

⠀ ⠀But you bask in the attention of your sensual sorcerer, so it wasn't a surpise that, well—

⠀ ⠀It only took a little bit of time to pass - though it felt a very long period of Geto; he had to remind himself that patience and perseverance is key - and then suddenly you two were finally official.

⠀ ⠀And like lovebirds, everywhere you went, you were accompanied by Geto. Hand holding, hands on your waist, eyes finding its way to look at only you, even if there is another person in the room trying to talk to him— it's like he wants to connect himself to you in every way possible. You don't mind it at all, though, already aware enough of his circumstances when it comes to attachment issues.

⠀ ⠀You have been so close before, but even more intimate now, to the point his colleagues and teachers alike were aware of your tight-knit relationship. Even Gojo Satoru, resident tormentor of Jujutsu Tech, teased Geto about his increasing PDA with you, often guffawing in the background whenever he spots you two inseperably cuddling and pressing kisses into each other's cheeks like immature, hormonal teens.

⠀ ⠀You had even slept in the same bed as him.

⠀ ⠀When he woke up the next day, with your head nuzzled into the crevice of his neck, his arms squeezing your body against his, warm sheets entangling both of you together like a cocoon... When you utter random noises in your sleep, snuggling closer to him whenever your dreams become unpleasant... He watches over your slumbering form, sometimes even shifts to make sure you're in a better position, to make sure that the duvet covers you entirely.

⠀ ⠀Geto has never thanked any being above, never intended to, believing that sorcerers are the truly divine beings that humankind should worship— but he laudes whoever is out there, his ancestors perhaps, that for once he was endowed with someone beyond anything he would ever want. You are everything Geto needs in his life.

⠀ ⠀So why is it that..?

⠀ ⠀With everything going so well, so perfect...

⠀ ⠀It was all so perfect until...

⠀ ⠀The notion of prosperity came tumbling down, like a world-ending meteor, when one of his close juniors died from a curse, with his fellow partner in the mission suffering gravely after him. Haibara Yu, a bubbly underclassman who you was also your classmate, so it was no doubt that you, too, grieved.

⠀ ⠀He never wants to see that solemn expression in your face again...

⠀ ⠀The lump of flesh that was presented to Shoko Ieri and the other students, all shoved inside a cadaver bag, reeked of flesh— a scent all jujutsu sorcerers were accustomed to, but never coped with if they bare the knowledge that that someone is familiar with them. He shouldn't have been so affected; in ways where despite caring for his junior... He feels a mixture of animosity brimming inside him.

⠀ ⠀He shouldn't have been so jealous of a corpse gaining the slightest bit of your spotlight, shouldn't be so envious of the way you spill tears over someone else... But most importantly, he hates it when you'd be stuck in a dissociative trance afterwards, just like the one he was in when Riko died. 

⠀ ⠀Everything snaps the moment he remembers his discussion with that fellow blonde-haired special grade, the dead-beat who never did her job. Geto didn't enjoy conversing with her, finding her reasonings meaningless, her words of persuasion only reserved for her interests. He didn't indulge in her as he did you. But that particular conversation cemented itself in his brain, and now he's stuck with questions swirling his mind, questions he knew would be answered with vehement solutions.

⠀ ⠀Then he was back at it again, after rediscovering his memories, in a spiral of neverending speculation. Why do sorcerers need to protect those foul monkeys? Why is it that it is the sorcerers who have to adjust to the norm? Why are they regarded as the odd bunch? Why do they have to die for useless beings lower than them?

⠀ ⠀Amidst all the questioning he does, there were relevant ones that struck a particular nerve in him.

⠀ ⠀It all circles back to you. You, you, you.

⠀ ⠀Why would it not be you?

⠀ ⠀And what if...

⠀ ⠀What if you had died instead of Haibara?

⠀ ⠀Tears, salty and brimming with bitter feelings, for the first time in ages, trickled out his eyes, sliding uncomfortable against shivering skin. Uncontrollable and inevitable. What came with despair was also hysteria.

⠀ ⠀He couldn't cope with that idea. No, not at all— he wants to extinguish the very possibility that you, of all people, could die very early just because— because you would forfeit your life for worthless ones. You're way more than just a sacrificial lamb; you're Geto's everything. He couldn't afford to lose you, couldn't even grasp the prospect of your death.

⠀ ⠀The shower water plummeled down his head like a hailstorm, to his torso, until it nipped on his feet with its unforgiving frost.

⠀ ⠀But he knows you. He's aware that despite the rocky relationship you have with your family, or the demeaning comments from your supposed friends, that you would die for those untalented monsters. You're too considerate. He wants that consideration all for himself.

⠀ ⠀ He hates it, he hates everything whenever you consider everyone but yourself. He will take care of it, of you. But how could he? Not when you insist on sitting quietly and receiving all those harsh treatments forced on you.

⠀ ⠀ He has never felt so helpless before. It devours him, inside and out, like insects crawling on his skin, nipping and biting flesh— like he himself was merely a corpse for maggots to pig through.

⠀ ⠀ It's almost class time, and even if he dreads coming to the class of three (minus one, as Gojo is now consistently busy with missions), burden running down his spine at the notion that you would be in a separate class.

⠀ ⠀Geto overlooked the fact that, despite suffering from the solitude of the bathroom showers, ​​​​​​he isn't as alone as he thought, not anymore. For in his misery, you share the sentiment.

⠀ ⠀ You await him, in his room, eyes sore from incessant tears, body especially nearly letting you down after countless bouts of harming yourself over being unable to comfort your boyfriend over his turmoil. Yet you're unwavering from your seated position, ready to confront your boyfriend shall he ever lead into a path of self destruction.

⠀ ⠀Geto stumbled out of the showers, somber mind neglecting the very schedule he has plastered all over his head, a display of utter patheticness. At this time of the day, you were always loitering around his dorm.

⠀ ⠀ How could he have forgotten? As he rubs fatigue off his eyes, he ceased in his tracks, ears picking up a slight wringing. His wet hair drenched the t-shirt he threw on, but the sharp, frore water isn't the cause of his shivering— it's you, who he saw in the corner of his eyes, sat on his bed.

⠀ ⠀He should've expected it, it was already part of your daily routine to visit him, yet it still shook him when he found a blob of your hair color in his peripheral vision— so much so to the point that even breathing betrayed him.

⠀ ⠀Why was he crying again?

⠀ ⠀ There's no other way to describe Geto's situation, other than that of a trapped dear, with no way to outrun a speeding car in the middle of the road— but you're not the type to harm him - maybe in bed you would, pleasurably - but you wouldn't hurt him because you wanted to. Yet he still fears showcasing vulnerability, afraid of betrayal, especially from you. So all he could do was stand, feet losing sensation, unable to move an inch; to even breath was to move, and he couldn't.

⠀ ⠀ But it was you who cut into the thick atmosphere, standing up, footsteps unheard, towards Geto who was rooted on the floor, body tense.

⠀ ⠀ The first thing he saw when he glanced up with ruddy eyes was your gentle gaze.

⠀ ⠀ He visibly relaxed, albeit unmoving. It doesn't matter, though, not to you at least— because you see his tear-stained cheeks and puffy, tired eyes and uptight body that tells you he won't be emotionally recovering soon. You want do to nothing more other than to spoon him wholly and tell him you'll deal with everything. But you can't. You can't because you're not of the same status as him, not strong enough you stress. And you can't because you're tired, too, just like him and all the others, but especially him. And although you tell yourself that you're an intrepid Jujutu sorcerer who should bare no weaknesses; you can break as easily as the others.

⠀ ⠀ But you have to be strong for him.

⠀ ⠀ Holding his hands in yours, you give it a gentle squeeze, looking down on him with loving eyes. You beat him to it, beat him at his game and questioned him if he's alright, if he needed space to think. To which his answer was to strongly grip your palm a second after the question, gaze hardened on you, as a confirmation that he did not, in fact, want you out his room, for others to look at you and comfort you.

⠀ ⠀ You ask him what's wrong, only for you to sputter back and tell him that he's not​​​​​ obligated to answer any of your questions should he not be stable enough.

⠀ ⠀ Not a single response... You ask again, eyes now harboring a demand for answers, but there's nothing.

⠀ ⠀ Slight irritation follows your countenance when all you were met with was silence...​​

⠀ ⠀Then your stark personality displays itself once more, your voice a deeper octave as you palm his face and stare deeply into his eyes; he falls in love all over again That's when you began mumbling to him, like you're sharing secrets nobody else could access. When you tell him that he has every right to grieve and be frustrated at the same time, that he shouldn't hold back tears; he felt bare naked in front of you. But you weren't scrutinizing him, even if all that comes out your mouth is the truth, ones that should've hurt him for making him feel defenseless in the arms of danger, but didn't. Because those words were from you.

⠀ ⠀Your word is God, and he calms down just enough to stare back at you, shaky figure and everything, and brings his hands to cup your palm, rubbing lovingly.

⠀ ⠀ You peck his cheeks, giggling when you felt the sheer wetness it was drowned in. But before you could pull back as quickly, Geto's head moved faster to kiss your mouth, passionate and seering, hands resting on your waist. It took a few seconds of nuzzling into each other, but it felt like eternity before he withdrawed, palms tenderly rubbing your cheeks.

⠀ ⠀Geto Suguru didn't just love you— he loves you, every part of you. And he decides, from now on, whether you'd consent or not, that you'll never leave him. Familial bonds are nothing to you, now that your parents have finally passed away (and you've no idea on their cause of death, nor the fact that they were brutally mauled by an amalgation of curses), your friends are nothing compared to him— you are the- the only one that matters to him, and he wishes you would reciprocate that notion. 

⠀ ⠀So a choice (one where you, perhaps, will never have a say in) was set in Geto's persistent mind; now or never.

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ────────── ✩ ────────── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ────────── ✩ ────────── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

⠀ ⠀Geto hopes you would forgive him after everything. He hopes that you wouldn't mind it if you were to be permanently separated from the entire civilization, only to be admired by his greedy eyes.

⠀ ⠀ 'Protect human lives?' No, he will not even spare a glance at to those monkeys. He'd prioritizes on a new goal— to protect your life, firstly. From any harm, any danger; from something as small like a prick of a needle to even death itself.

⠀ ⠀ He loves it when you look at him, eyes shining with adoration every time he saves you from momentary danger. So he'll do it again. Though, only now will you be permanently safe, where no filthy nothings may lay hands on you.

⠀ ⠀He hopes that you wouldn't notice how he has an apartment set up just for both of you, that you wouldn't wonder why all your belongings - that were left in your bygone, desolate house - were now moved into the multisectioned rooms designed just for your taste.

⠀ ⠀ He sets a date on his calendar for the day you would be relocated in a new space far more homely and spacious than the dorms in Jujutsu Tech.

⠀ ⠀ By the time the moon engulfs the sky with its dim light, he'd drug your favorite dinner whilst you're comfortably oblivious to his ministrations. He'll be conversing with you while sometimes feeding you portions of his food, as couples always do (except for the part his tongue would linger a bit long on his chopstick after he fed you with it), laughing tenderly with each others' jokes and simply enjoying the solitude of being together... Then after a while you would be too hazy to comprehend anything, and Geto, being your ever-so loving boyfriend, will guide you to your now shared dormitory, and he'll tuck you in, not after you briefly snuggle with him in bed— and, well, he didn't want to get up from your tight embrace. But he has to, for the sake of your safety and his sanity.

⠀ ⠀ The travel would be made as smooth as possible, with silent promises that you won't even feel a wee bit of discomfort despite your heavily drugged state; he'll guarantee you won't awake from your slumber— he would curse himself if he wasn't gentle with your while you were in your most vulnerable state. The look he has on his face as he stares at your closed eyes and stable breathing is so soothing, just like all the times you've treated him nicely. He'll be so... so good to you. He'll secure himself with the position as the only one you'll ever need in your life. If he can't abide by his promises, then he doesn't deserve to be called your lover. 

⠀ ⠀ You'll- you'll give him another chance, wouldn't you? Even if the chances see your friends (they're unworthy of your presence, never appreciating you for all the things you've done for them) or family (as if you have any to come back to; he eliminated those worthless beings) would be zero— you'll understand, no?

⠀ ⠀ You don't have to do any arduous chores inside the apartment. Everything would be given to you as long as you stay with him. Everything. You'll be granted limited access to internet, with all your history rooted into his tracking devices— though you'd have every means of entertainment you want. Food isn't a problem, your device would only have access to Geto's phone, so you could call him any time your stomach buzzes with hunger, and the fridge is always stocked with your favorite snacks. Every hobby you would garner would be indulged in— you had once briefly mentioned your interests in crocheting, but never having the opportunity to due to clashing schedules between school and personal life. Now is the perfect opportunity to do anything, as long as it stays within his radar.

⠀ ⠀ All you have to do is, as hard as it may be, is to accept your new living environment. Nothing else would change, even if you choose to fight him back at first— because Geto loves you, and he'll deny his heart the turmoil of ever losing you.

⠀ ⠀ So once you'd arise from the bed with an unfamiliar, yet cozy blanket, (that he bought specifically catering to your tastes), he would be at your beck and call before you could even properly sit up (still sober from the heavy dosage of sedatives your boyfriend forced on you without your knowledge).

⠀ ⠀ Any concerns you would ask, it would be entertained with Geto plastering a silvery smile, even if your tone harbored unease. If tears ever came running down your eyes, Geto wouldn't shut you up, but he definitely wouldn't leave you be, to your thoughts alone - like he was back then - not at all. He'd approach you so steadily, careful if you'd flinch the slightest bit once his legs hit the mattress, and he'll hold you so tightly (worst part is, you've no chains or ropes tied on your limbs, no evident scars that was whilst Geto was on the process of kidnapping you. You have nothing to be mad about. He is just so gentle), apologizing profusely as if he wasn't the reason why you're even weeping in the first place once he thoroughly explained the reason for your abduction.

⠀ ⠀ He hates it when you cry, but God does he love it when, despite susceptible state of anguish, you'd reciprocate his hold; as if even your mind, body, and heart couldn't deny that it ultimately belonged to Geto.

⠀ ⠀ So you have to bargain your way through this, not out of it— you're logical enough to know your strengths and weaknesses and you know that in terms of strength, your lover would win. You know him better than everything, and you don't accept easy defeat, you want to fight your way out of this but... The look of adulation in Geto's eyes is way too familiar, that you're the one falling in love again, albeit the strange circumstances.

⠀ ⠀ Then you weigh everything that has been happening for the past for months, and all the signs hits you in the damn face. Geto didn't flirt with you with the intentions of playing with your heart as you have thought so in your second meeting— because if he did, he wouldn't have known all your favorites, didn't say all the words you wanted to hear. He planned everything from the start. Yet you don't feel an ounce of malice from him, you didn't do anything wrong— you weren't abducted because he wanted to torture you; you were abducted because he wants you. For himself, away from the world that wants to tear you to shreds. You brought this onto yourself, so willing to give your heart and soul to the man you thought you love, the man you still do love.

⠀ ⠀ Fuck. A new batch of tears painted your already tear-stained face. You stare at him, his furrowed brows, his handsomely sculpted countenance - the one you held so fondly, kissed a thousand times, worshipped eternally -  yours so incredulous, so filled with utter disarray. Why do you forgive him after everything? Why, nothing more or less, do you want him to tell you everything is alright, since he's there for you?

⠀ ⠀ Perhaps it's the emotions building inside you that bursts like a dam. The resentment you built upon your childhood, or the tears you've wasted on past crushes, or the whole entire world pressuring you to endure through its own faults. Maybe you were similar to him in more ways than one.

      And maybe that's why instead of convincing him to let you go, you tell him you won't be going anywhere. His appalled reaction motioned you to continue, to tell him that you're tired, of life, of everything that's been going on so far. You never wanted to be a sorcerer, but you've no choice lest you wish to sleep on the cold sidewalk of the streets. Every single day was constant pressure, dread that one day you may be disposed of by the high school you reside in shall you ever display a single flaw.

      All the built up secrets that you confided in him shattered his heart to pieces. And it breaks him even more knowing he shares the same sentiment with you. No more. The abrupt kiss to your mouth promptly shut you up, before you could even continue, and you let it be. You willingly open your mouth when he softly nibbled on the bottom of your lips, wet tongue already attacked by another the moment his entered your mouth. The bitter ache in your heart receded. You let him be.

      There was nothing inherently sexual with his and your actions, it was nothing but romantic in your eyes. Tongues entwining, saliva mixing, choaked moans, and all doubts and burdens ceasing in one heated moment— your kisses never lasted long, nor did it ever lead into a make-out so intense like you're both fusing; but it's exactly what you need right now: To get drunk off the passion of Geto's heavy lips and the lack of oxygen that comes after...

      It's enough to make you sleepy, as you gently push your boyfriends slightly ruddy face off of you, at a distance where he was close enough that your noses could still touch. Your face flushes even more at the string of saliva interconnecting both your mouths, but your eyes find itself back into his already piercing eyes, clouded with dizzying passion. Every part of you feels like it would burst into flames the more you relish under his intense gaze, so you opted to move quickly and bury your head into the side of neck, hands lazily plastered on his waist, mouth readily nearing his ears. He reciprocated your actions, chuckling fondly at your affectionate gestures as his knees adjusted to pin both your thighs together, whilst his arms act as a cage to trap you against his chest.

      Before you could utter a word, Geto beats you to it, telling you that you should both sleep already. Despite you having been knocked out for an entire day, with a buzzing headache and numb limbs, it's no doubt you were still tired, and he was too... You move your head from the comfortable position nested on his shoulders and look back at him, at the small eyebags that once again found itself on his face— it takes you back to when you first met him. Burnt out, mellow, but undeniably handsome. You kissed him again, shorter and sweeter this time, nodding as you shifted to lay on the bed, leaving space for Geto, who is still seated, watching you with an indiscernible expression.

      Beckoning for him him drowsily, to join you, you've promptly felt the confines of sleep taking you further into the world of dreams. Dreams where you'd wake up with your loving and compassionate Geto, rather than that of escaping the cage he set up for you. It took a few seconds for your boyfriend to finally move, laying down beside you with arms creeping to your waist. Not a single word was said, only the ruffling of the blanket was heard. You're the one who spoons him when it comes to sleeping in a shared bed together, but his hands found itself moving your head to his chest - the thumping of his heart entrapped in his ribcage tells you he's calm enough, trusting that you won't escape from his ministrations - as though to tell you that only you can have his heart in your hands, nobody else. It didn't take long for you to slowly shut your eyes once more, admitting that his heartbeats was a comforting source for slumber.

⠀ ⠀'You're just so adorable,' he thinks to himself, drifting into the same land of dreams as you, holding you tightly and never letting go.

⠀ ⠀ ...

⠀ ⠀ Geto Suguru is a man of a few words, who dons a plethora of promises, shall you ever be wanting. When he first saw you whilst looking through your files, he at first thought you were average, unmemorable by standards. But even in first impressions would there always be a magnetic draw, strong enough to make it last eternally. (Un)fortunately for you, Geto has always loved you without even knowing it, and the way your first night together - you being away from the tainted hands of civilization - was beyond tranquil, unnatural traits from a prey who was taken unwillingly.

⠀ ⠀ But nothing else matters. Not the concept of healthy relationships, nor the opinions of family or friends, and most certainly not the ridiculing of society's norms.

⠀ ⠀ Nothing matters other than the two bodies entangling themselves on a bed for two, settling in for the night, as lovers do.

Fin.

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      —       PLEASE ! Leave comments, follow me and share this to anybody if you enjoyed this one-shot. It would be appreciated greatly. I've been through writer's block for nearly a year or two now, and writing this helped me combat it. I thoroughly enjoyed making this, and I hope that it's good enough for the readers too! It took me very long to write all these out, as I am rusty wirh writing (and I struggle with English), but really, I would appreciate interaction and likes over anything else! I might publish this as a stand-alone one-shot in a separate book. As always, don't hesitate to request! Thank you for reading this!

26.1 Pages

Published: 02/25/2024

Word Count: 9100+ words

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[causenessus]

try again

part 0.1. EVERYTHING AT ONCE

“she starts her day with music. she always does. when she wakes up, on the way to work, even while she’s at work, she plays songs in her waiting room. she can’t hear them, but her clients waiting outside can, and she hopes they enjoy them. she’s always trying out new playlists, looking for new songs, trying to expand her music taste. it’s not like any of them really mention it or talk to her. they probably barely pay attention to the lyrics or know what the songs are about, so it’s like an inside joke with just herself. after her last client leaves, she sits in her own waiting room for a little bit, waiting for the current song to finish before she shuts off her speaker. she doesn’t need to put this much effort into something simple. no one cares, but she hopes maybe someday someone will notice them and ask her for a song that played, or about the playlist she’s using. she'd be grateful for anything.”

sometimes he wakes up in cold sweat still thinking about it. 

the day will haunt him forever. every time he’s on the court and his arms stretch behind him as he prepares to jump. it is behind every spike, every sharp prick of frustration he gets in his neck every time he starts to get stressed; it is always there.

he knows stress is normal. it’s a part of everyday life and every single game he plays. the stress of winning, of trying to outmaneuver his opponents, get past their blocks, and read their minds as well of the minds of his own teammates as he tries to work fluidly with them.

but now there is a chill that runs down his spine every time he feels himself getting a little too frustrated, or feels the suffocating feeling of being shut down again and again, and his heart rate quickens at the thought of the numerous effects his failures are having. and then there is the single thought that runs through his mind, as he can’t help but steal a glance at his coach, sitting on a metal bench nearby. a silent plea, in response to whayever the man is thinking, watching his performance, ‘please don’t bench me again.’

he never wants to be on that bench again. never wants to feel the cool metal against the back of his legs contradict the red-hot anger flooding the rest of his body. never wants to feel the relief in his legs when he finally sits down again; because he would rather stay on the court and destroy his body, running, diving, jumping, doing anything until he is physically unable to move another inch again. he had always been one to prioritize care for himself over anything else, but not since that day.

the one day that has haunted him ever since–the day they stopped him before he was ready to be done.

the day they took him out of the game. when he heard that whistle, and looked to see who was being switched out, everything stopped when he saw his own number staring back at him: 15. everyone on his side of the court froze, watching him walk to take the sign. he doesn’t even remember who switched with him; the moment he stepped off the court his vision was spotty, and the only thing he could hear or feel was the blood pounding in his ears.

he was numb all over otherwise. he didn’t process his own feet moving, dragging himself to sit next to his coach, who had pointed at the spot next to him on that silver bench.

“you need to calm down, kiyoomi,” he barely registered the man’s voice, or his own name. it sounded grating against his ears, and his vision was still focused on the ground beneath him, a single thought going through his mind, ‘i need to get back on the court. now. now. now–’

“kiyoomi.” 

he looks up this time, to his coach, but his hands are balled into fists, nails digging into his own skin. he’s not even sure what he’s feeling. if it’s blinding anger, disappointment in himself, both, or everything at once. if he’s angry, he doesn’t know at who. at his coach, for taking him out, at himself, for getting himself here, or his teammates; he’s not one to blame others, but he can’t help but feel they’re all out of alignment today. or maybe it’s just him that’s not fitting in today.

“kiyoomi listen to me. you’re getting too much in your head. you’re making irrational decisions that are costing the team points. you're not telling anyone what you're doing or planning and it's making everyone else uptight because they can see how angry you are. you need to calm down,” his coach is talking again, and his throat closes up.

his knee is bouncing, and he’s restless, looking at the game go on right in front of him and yet he’s not there. he’s not on the court. he's on the sidelines, like a weak, useless bystander. “i understand,” he forces himself to say. “i can calm down. i’ve calmed down. i see that i was affecting my teammates. i will communicate with them and think more about my decisions. will you put me back in the game?”

it’s his coach’s turn to not respond, and kiyoomi feels like his own life is being taken from him right in front of his eyes and he can’t even do anything about it. he forces himself to breathe normally and clear his mind without losing his focus on the game. he relaxes his shoulders as best as he can and he ignores the choking feeling in his chest. he's hidden all signs of his anger, but it’s still stuck in him–he can feel it–but that doesn't matter, as long as he gets back on the court. he tries his best to appear calm and relaxed, hoping his coach will see and let him return to the game.

but he doesn’t.

sakusa kiyoomi sits on that bench for the rest of the game.

not allowed to go back.

.

.

.

ever since then, he’s learned to catch himself before he gets too angry. he’s learned to hold in all of his pent-up feelings. he keeps them buried deep down inside of him where no one will ever see them and maintains a calm face. he knows not to let it show until the game has been finished, and he has bowed to the stands and retreated back to the locker rooms.

he’s always the first one in there, trying to grab his things as quickly as possible and be the first one out, too, while the rest of his teammates are still out on the court cheering. he hears their voices the entire time until they near the locker room and hush, knowing he’s in there. he slams his locker door closed in a futile attempt to relieve some of his anger, leaving before anyone can talk to him, and so that they can talk to each other without feeling like they’re walking on eggshells around him.

he doesn’t want to be treated like glass–as if he can’t handle being around them–but he knows they’re better off without him, anyway.

prev. | m.list | next

extras <3

I FORGOT TO MENTION IN THE PROLOGUE that the way i'm doing song reccs this smau around is very much inspired by the way they are done in static by @eggyrocks !!! you should definitely check out their works <3

i included the tiniest "previous texts" in the peas in a pod gc mainly just to show that omi and the whole group is still silly :) he's just going thru it (there used to be another snippet of previous texts between atsumu and omi but i removed it)

atsumu is definitely playing cupid and is purposely witholding names so that neither omi or y/n know they're going to see each other

it's like a blind date except for it's therapy

yay!!!

AND ATSUMU HAS A LOT TO SAY AND THAT'S OKAY LET HIM BE

y/n is very prone to texting in a very "professional, therapist" voice but then will switch up on accident. she does it to everyone all the time and sometimes it is a little unnerving bc out of nowhere all of a sudden she'll start ending her texts with periods and you think you've done something wrong

apologies for any pacing issues!! i've changed things like 15 times and i'm tired now

taglist: @wyrcan @guitarstringed-scars @strawberryuri @violetesensou @kakeru-eem @glmge @heytheredemonsss @mollyrolls @bemebiu @daszy @snail-squasher @0moonii @thiisisntlovely @todorokiskitten @rory-cakes @hyenagoated @iatethemochi @yuminako @savemebrazilhinata @kismyscars  @bokutoko @nobodybutnnoorr @wolffmaiden @daisy-room @softpia @lees-chaotic-brain @v3nusplanetofluv @crispchocolates @phoenix-eclipses @hhoneyhan @encrypta @rockleeisbaeeee @cr4yolaas @zombriesworld @localgaytrainwreck @moucheslove @hibernatinghamster @notverymarley @certaindreampost @akaakeis @ciderscape @lucien-luna @strawbrinkofdeath @wave2mia @samuel1004 @01trickster10 @dazqa @cosmiicdust @chemiru

[juelzsstuff]

Can u pls do armin, hange, mikasa and levi x a depressed reader

YES I CAN

i can try. okay i can attempt

AOT CHARACTERS X DEPRESSED READER ft. armin, hange, mikasa, levi.

TW WARNING: self harm (non descriptive, don't relapse on me babez) depression, not eating (im serious) lack of sleep, thoughts of self induced not alive. no smut or anything just fwiends. i want to say most of these are gathered from stories of my own experience. if you don't like it please do not read it.

(f!reader! implied in hanges) your days in the scout regiment were hard, grueling, hopelessly doomed. the initial adrenaline of joining has worn off, you've seen unspeakable things and as of late you can't seem to find the energy anymore.

Armin

everyday was the same. wake up, train, meals, missions, failure, embarrassment, loneliness, sleep, repeat. today is no different you got dressed, went to the mess hall and sat beside a group of people without any words to speak and ate some kind of food you couldn't really taste. you got up and headed to the training grounds, the air outside as fresh as the old stale air of the barracks, the sun beaming down on you and your comrades the same way it does every other day, screaming at you with its light. you don't bother looking around anymore to count how many soldiers their were compared to the mission the day before. today though you stand to a blonde boy due to the missing comrades you once stood next to, you're sure you've seen him before with his two friends but his name left your mind, you didn't bother to look at him. you didn't want to know his face just to soon one day not see it ever again. you listened to the commander preach about the mission that day beyond the wall, his voice loud and somehow far away. you got the basic idea and headed out to the stables in the crowd of scouts.

you stay in formation listening to the gallop of horses surrounding you, listening to the ring of green flares burst into the air. red smoke fills the sky one after another. a titan. you heard it before you saw it. sprinting in from the left, since when was that blonde haired boy next to you? you wondered before veering off to the right per instructions. the vile creature still sprinting, leaping, toward you, you look back and thought shoots through your mind. go straight do not turn. a dark malicious vision of your end flashes with it. you slowed your horse without thinking and starting turning to your original path. the titan starting to change course and catch up with you, feared stung through your body, your mind fighting with instinct to turn back but it's too weak. day after day of feeling so heavy and hopeless takes a toll, memories flash in your mind of sitting alone, giving up on talking to others because the words never came out right. you hear something in the distance, a change in the pattern of galloping and signals being fired off and it snaps you head to look at it. it's the blonde boy and he's looking at you..... is he saying something? no he's screaming something. your ears and senses shoot you back to reality and you hear him scream, "y/n come back what are doing?!". he knows your name? when did you ever tell him that? before you can think you're heading back to the formation and the familiar ring of metal zipping around you attaches to the titan and two scouts take it down. silent small tears stream down your face and you pull your hood over your head not daring to look at the boy who's glancing at you.

the mission is over and you're walking back to the mess hall alone to eat whatever it is you're fed and something grabs your arm, you turn quickly to be met with a concerned face. it's the blonde boy, his eyebrows are knit together and his eyes are filled with worry. you look up at him, "hm?" "what the hell was that?" he says low and almost a whisper. "i panicked that's all", your voice sounded strange, in fact, when was the last time you even heard it? "don't lie, i see you everyday. i know that look" his grip on your arm tightening "why do you want to do that? why don't you talk to anyone or even look at anyone". you stare at him in shock, how did he notice? what do i say? his eyes meeting yours and suddenly yours are now burning and starting to water. shit. "i just.... i don't want to do this anymore, not this..... or anything else" the silent tears pour down your face and his eyes widen and he lets go of your arm. "im sorry" he mumbles and he pauses with a deep breath "i understand". he understands? dead fills your arms. you look up at him to say something but you can't. "i-" before you can finish your words he steps towards you and pulls you into a hug. you don't fight it but you don't hug back and yet he doesn't let go. it's not a hug of anything ill intended but one of understanding and care, the weight on your arms lift ever so slightly and the pit in your stomach lessens. here you are with a complete stranger hugging you in the middle of a empty hallway and yet he's saying he sees you and he understands. you don't bother doubting him, and suddenly the thought of not being alone this whole time washes through you. you've always watched and listened as scouts will comfort and spill their thoughts to each other like this but now it's happening for you. you lift your arms and lightly put them on his, a sad attempt for a hug but you're trying. it only lasted for a moment before he lets go and steps back. you look down sniffling before he speaks, "would you want to um... sit with me and my friends at dinner?". is he really asking me this? you wonder why he'd want to invite you of all people but you nod yes anyway. during dinner he introduces his two friends and himself, catching that you probably never knew who he was. you listen and say hello before going back to your food, taking bites that tasted slightly different, better even. you listens to them laugh and even breath out one yourself. today was different. today was better.

Hange

you roll out of bed with memories of yesterdays mission fresh on your mind. recalling the tragedy and suffering. you slept like shit. that's the only way to explain it, maybe an hour at most but the world does not stop turning for lack of sleep. you scrambled around on the floor for your white button down, brown pants, and beige jacket. you slapped them on and snatched the report from off of your desk. the headache never stopped, your eyes closed whenever they could be, not finding enough reason to look around when you didn't have to. you roam down the familiar halls, dragging your feet and listening to the noise. it took 32 steps and a right turn to get to hanges office, you braced yourself before knocking. god why did everything hurt even something as simple as knocking was such a annoyance. you knocked anyway and the thick wood of the door sent the feeling through your hand. you shake it out and put on a acceptable face. "come in", you walk in to see hange sitting at her desk. it was was a mess per usual, a microscope neatly in the middle with papers scattered everywhere else. "hello hange, i've got more papers for you" your voice rasp from lack of sleep. hange was the same age as you, infact her village wasn't far from yours growing up but you joined the scouts about five years later than her. "ah thankyou y/n! i'm drowning over here...hey do you think you could miss a few reports? i won't tell erwin" she says with such enthusiasm you're not even sure if she's joking. you laugh anyway "maybe ill just start summing them up to a couple words then, i bet erwin would love that". "she chimes back with something but you're too out of breath to think about it, why is everything so hard. even breathing is exhausting at this point. you sigh trying to get more air, the muscles around your lungs are constantly constricted. "is something bothering you y/n"? you blink at her "oh no not at all just taking a deep breath, my lungs are giving out on me" you force a chuckle because it's probably the truth but she doesn't need to know that. she speaks up "hm you aren't sick are you?" "no i think i must just be tired" you look at her and she's staring back with suspicion. "i get pretty tired too you know, i like to burry my head in my research for the truth on titans, it's a nice distraction" she smiles. "how's that going by the way?" you ask contemplating if she's talking about being more than "just tired". "to be honest i don't think i will ever come up with anything but that's not the point of it. having something to do is good for the soul!" she softens her voice, "when im feeling...tired i find going out for walks are nice too, plus a bottle of wine never hurt anyone" she shrugs with a laugh. you laugh with her even through it hurts from the muscles that will never not be sore, you don't have any drinking buddies or yk buddies at all for that matter and drinking alone in your room is a little too close to admitting defeat. you keep yourself together, "well if you ever need a drinking partner i would be happy to chat and get shit faced with you" you smile as she responds with a promise to take you up on that. they weren't many women in the scouts around your age other than hange and a few others that you never seemed to click with. you head out the door and give a wave before continuing on with you day.

night finally rolls around and you get to do your favorite thing. sleep. it's never great and honestly it sucks. nightmares and thoughts of the day always flood your precious time alone but for at least an hour, if you're lucky there is peace even if you aren't conscious for it. you peel off your clothes and change into another set. a white dress.....thing. it covered what it needed to and it was atrocious to look at but it did the job and you had a pair of beige shorts that were fuzzy on the outside from some animal. they were your favorite. finally you lay down in your bed and close your eyes, just as they close you hear a thunk at the door, a loud one at that followed by a quick "ow". you sit up, your back aching and your feet feeling like nothing but bones as you stand and walk over to the door. why? by the walls who wants something from me? you open the door to see hange?! she's wearing some clothes similar to yours, a white shirt and long beige pants and she's holding.....is that wine? uh oh. "hey y/n! why is your door locked? are you afraid of the dark?" she teased and you gave a giggle back. "yes absolutely and crazy ladies with bottles of wine on the middle of the night . what are you doing here?". she smiles and grabs your arm and drags you down the halls. this is not the usual slow 32 steps you take everyday to either destination and it hurts like 10 less steps more than usual. we are walking way too fast. i did NOT mentally prepare for this.

she brings the two of you outside to a camp fire out in the grounds and makes you plop down on a log adjacent to her on her log. you gasp trying to catch your breath inconspicuously, your entire body screaming to go back to bed . "did we have to run here? sweet ymir, hange how did you get all this wine?!" she lets out a short manic laugh and tells the story of how she made moblit steal it for her while she started the fire. "i told you id take you up on the offer" you remember your conversation from earlier. she's never done anything like this? embarrassment crawls up on you as you recall the two of you talking about being tired. you'll never admit what it truly is, the unshakable tired, the sore muscles, the closed eyes anytime possible, never talking unless spoken to. life was incredibly dull. so tiring. aimless. no partner. no friends. no joy. why do i even keep go..... you shut out the thought as soon as it comes. refuse to believe it. hange pops open the first bottle, you look around for a glass but before you can question it she shoves it towards you and pops open her own."moblit was very against this always nagging at me" she imitates his voice "'oh it's not good for you, hange wait what if you get caught' all that nonsense" you chuckle "i can the poor man losing it already" she laughs and you two continue taking gulps of wine with fuzzy heads. as the night goes on the two of you talk titans, missions, the people you miss, the people you don't, steamy scout experiences from old times in the barracks had the two of you howling laughing and cringing from horrible experiences now. you gossiped and talked about the thing you wouldn't except and she talking about the same, you took turns dancing and sang horrible tunes from bards for one another. eventually the sun came up and the two of you were passed out on the same log where moblit assembled captain levi to help carry the two of you back to your room. when morning came they day felt calm but was instantly interrupted by memories of last night and a new type of headache. a improvement nonetheless. you ending up holding back hanges hair as she spewed her guts in your bathroom before taking turns. a horrible display but a new best friend and better days followed.

Mikasa

the two of you were top of the class. essentially acquaintances nothing more, you sat together at lunch and throughout training as per command. everyone was paired together with a main "buddy" when not on missions. you two were paired together because everyone else had chosen, you overheard eren be angry with mikasa for whatever reason and he chose armin out of spite so you went up to her both with last resorts. you left her alone when you could, you didn't know eren or armin and all the other people you at least knew the name of had groups. alone essentially. it was hard and isolating, the highlight of your day was whenever someone was forced to speak to you. your family was turned into titans along with connie's parents, you two were from the same village but never spoke never bonded over it. connie seemed to recover okay, everytime you saw him he was laughing and chatting with sasha and jean, maybe because his mom had a chance still. your family did not, they weren't the nicest people to begin with but you had a little sister, she was only six at the time. it's hard to get over something like that, staying up at night thinking of what she must look like. is she tall? a low class meter? does she even move? where was she? is she scared? you parents could rot in hell, you always took care of her, little marie, the cutest thing ever. now all you could do was think of her, the pain in your heart was immense ever since the day you found out. the urge to eat wasn't there anymore, the grass was no longer green, killing titans made you sick especially the smaller ones. you didn't sleep much, you didn't eat much, you didn't talk much and there's wasn't much to make you smile.

tonight you went to dinner just like every other night, you thanked the people who cooked it, scanned the room for mikasa and sat next to her. you were missing a tray, for the third night in a row. no one ever noticed and you ate when you had the stomach for it. you listened to armin and eren argue about the walls and the ocean of fire or whatever it was they talked about. they talked about other scouts and how to improve while stuffing their face, you watched them today was bread and some suspicious meat. not enticing enough, you thought of marie and how maybe you could've spoke with her too like they did. eren and armin walked off with their tray and mikasa went with them. you sat alone and sighed from the weight on your chest and the thoughts in your mind. is she okay? does she remember me? i miss her and her cute curly tendrils of black hair and little yellow dress, how she would pick weeds and call them flowers. she didn't deserv- a tray slapped down in front of you and mikasa came back with hers. your head snapped to look at her, she looked angry and perfectly calm all at the same time. "eat" she said flatly. you blinked "oh im really not that hungry" you tried to convince her but prepared for her to spit back. "eat it or im going to make you. i'm not going anywhere till you do and i don't think either of us want to be embarrassed" she was deadly serious. "i'm really not hungry mikasa" she glared her eyes and picked up a spoon and threw it in front of you, "you haven't eaten in three days y/n. you getting too skinny, you won't be able to fight ti-...... you won't be able to train if you're any more of a stick than you already are. you will end up sick". you noticed her shift in words, did she know? i wasn't any skinnier than her was i? she seemed to read your thoughts, "if you get any skinnier than you won't be able to pick up a sword and you'll look like floch" she pointed to the gangly boy who's build was almost scary......wait was she saying i'll look like a boy. you picked up the spoon and held it. she stared before looking away and started eating herself not looking back. you blocked out the thoughts that haunted your brain about your sister, though your heart weighed so heavily you had tears in your eyes and your hand shook but you shoveled some gloop into your mouth. it tasted like nothing before it turned into something great, you didn't realize how hungry you actually were. the mystery food was warm and savory, you didn't stop until the plate was clear. in 10 minutes your body strengthened and you burped and tried to cover it up, embarrassed. mikasa let out a chuckle and looked around before burping quietly herself. no way she just did that. you held back a laugh trying to keep food in your mouth. she spoke, "i'm sorry i was rude but i thought you were gonna die if you didn't eat something soon enough". you sat there and swallowed your food and whispered, "thankyou".

the dining area had cleared out and she asked the question she was dying to know. "so you were from connie's village?". the gloop was coming back up and you covered your mouth. her eyes widened and she apologized quickly and shoved more food into her mouth. you swallowed back you bile and spoke, "i had a sister, i took care of her all the time. she had hair like yours but hers curled on the ends but your eyes are similar too" you managed a smile. she really did resemble mikasa and that was nice. "i didn't have any siblings just eren and armin, brothers i guess but no sisters". she blushed for a unknown reason to you,"i um i don't know if this is weird but sometimes i think we are friends like that, like sisters". a warmth spreads through you for the first time in months. she really feels that way? about me? "that makes me happy" you whisper out while you wipe tears. "stop making me cry mikasa" you give her a nudge and she smiles. "i don't know what it's like having a sister of course" she said again, she must be nervous about what she said. you spoke up, "they force each other to do things they don't want to because it's good for them, they fight and braid each others hair too tightly, pick weeds and pretend their flowers". you smiled and leaned on her. "you fit the role pretty well if you ask me". she smiles and asks if you can try to braid her hair because she never learned how. you agreed. later that night you told mikasa about your little sister and your old life, you ranted about not talking to anyone and how boring it was, you told her you were grateful and she said she was too. by then end she had two perfect braids and you had one scrambled attempt of one.

Levi

the years of being a scout had taken its toll, you were surrounded by people who you called your friends and lived your life as well as anyone else. in public anyway. when you were alone the mask would fall and the all consuming darkness would take over. you were numb to the things you once spilled tears over, the whole had gone gray but you pushed on through the misery. over the years bad habits had developed, teeth went unclean, baths were longer than allowed, you were always too early to events, stressing over insignificant things. the worst habit of all you hid like a addict, no one knew and that was okay with you. it wasn't meant to be seen, it was purely just for you and you alone. though sometimes you'd wished deep down that just maybe there was someone else who would know what's going on, a silent cry for help but that was illogical. regardless of that it was how you coped and you had accepted that, a way to get out of bed in the morning, to accept the fall of your comrades, to stop yourself from losing your shit before a event.

night had fallen after a long mission with the recon team. dinner in the mess hall was filled with small jokes and picking around at food and gossiping around per usual, nothing strange, you filled out your report for the captain and turned it in earlier, all that was left now was to go to bed. the thought was tiring enough, the feeling of longing to stay and chat with everyone lingered hard on your heart but the world doesn't stop turning for things like that in fact it even spins faster it seemed. everyone had trickled off into the dorms and you decided you should go too. walking down the familiar hallways to your cadet core dorm. maybe tonight everyone will stay up talking, that was your favorite. to hear others laugh and to know their outlook on life had not turned sour. on your way there someone stopped you, grabbing your arm. your faced twisted into something sour and your arm went limp trying to stop that pain. "hey what the-" you turn and see the captain, he's staring with a certain flat look on his face. he let go immediately and spoke "i need to talk to you about your report, you're missing key points". your eyes widen, why is he looking at you like that and what could you have missed. you feel your shirt start to stick to your arm where he grabbed. shit. you salute with the wrong arm to put it behind your back, "yes captain" you begin to follow him through the halls. uh oh. uh ohhhhh. once you reach his personal office, you sit in the chair by his desk and he sits across from you. "so you are missing the armory report, i've noticed it on a few other reports you've done". he slides you a paper and points at it,"it should be written in here other than that the reports are perfect". you smile and thank him for notifying you but this whole thing was just embarrassing. "am i free to go now?". "no not yet" he said sternly and so you sat waiting before he spoke again, "you are injured. you need to go to the infirmary immediately". you eyes widen you've been caught? but how did he know just from that? you speak up, "oh it's really nothing i already had it looked at, my odm gear got too hot and the wire stung me a bit. it happens" you smile through your lie. he does not buy it one bit and the two of you stare as you keep your arm pressed to your side. he sighs and speaks again,"let me look at it then if you won't go yourself". panic struck through you, you've never gone against a word he had said you were a soldier after all. filling orders was your only ask. your heart was racing trying to think of something, anything at all. "it- it's really okay sir, i should really go". that alone would have you running laps till the sun came up but he stared at you angrily. he dug through a drawer in his desk and pulled out some gauze and water in a canteen. " i won't question how it's there but that story is bs, don't lie to me again because i already know. let me do it or do it yourself but im not going anywhere till it's done". you fight back tears, mortified. why was he doing this? you reached for the supplies with shaky hands and said you'll do it yourself. he watched you take it and closed his eyes while he spoke, "i won't look". you were incredibly grateful, and let out a shaky "thankyou". you cleaned and bandaged yourself and took deep breathes to calm your nerves. the embarrassment was immense. his eyes still close as he spoke, "don't be embarrassed, it's not that uncommon. i just couldn't bare to see it anymore y/n. you're very bright and the thought of you doing.....that, made me sick". you've known the captain for years but he only spoke a few times and occasionally he'd ruffle your hair or reprehend you for sneaking into the kitchen or being too reckless. the two of you had a unspoken bond, he cared deeply like a family member would. "i'm sorry captain". you looked up at him to see sorrow in his eyes and you started crying, hard. the tears wouldn't stop and you barley noticed when he walked over and put a hand on your shoulder. "it's so hard" you said in between tears. "i know y/n, i know".

he knelt down to look at you and inspect your first aid skills. "you can't do this anymore, okay?". you sniffled and looked up at him, "okay i won't, i promise". he stood back up and smoothed your hair, "good....if you ever need someone to talk to don't be afraid to ask me. i understand more than you know". that only nearly shattered your heart again but you didn't want to disappoint him so from then on you kept your promise and confided in him about trivial things you usually kept locked away and about the harder things. some days he would talk to, sharing stories and trying his best at a joke. on nights when you couldn't sleep he'd let you pass out in his chair while he worked on the other side of the desk, before helping you to your dorm for the night.

[septembriseur]

Tumblr won’t let me create a post with this link, but: even the New York Times, with its notorious pro-Israel bias, has published an obituary for Shaaban al-Dalou.

“Mr. al-Dalou, who had become sickly from trauma and malnutrition amid the ever-worsening siege, often confided in his aunt, Karbahan al-Dalou, about his ideas for escaping Gaza.

“‘His plan was to get himself out, and then find a way to get out his sisters and his brothers and his parents,’ she said in an interview with The Times, as she sat in the hospital room of her daughter Tasnim, who was recovering from shrapnel injuries to her stomach from the same strike.

“Mr. al-Dalou also turned to the internet, contacting activists abroad who have helped Gazans set up fund-raising pages online.

“‘You have to open your heart for us. I am nineteen and I buried my dreams,’ he wrote in one Instagram post. ‘Support me to find them again!’”

He was 19 years old. He looks so much like one of my Afghan students who, like him, had big dreams, dreamed of escaping to a world he had seen on computer screens and TVs, a world where people did not wake up every morning wondering if they’d survive that day and if they could bear another twenty-four hours of existence if they did.

He would not have been surprised that he died, though perhaps even he would have been astonished by the brutality of the way he went. But we should feel shock. We should understand that his death is on our hands, and that it is an indictment of our everyday failure of the people of Gaza, the people of Gaza who have buried their dreams.

[jakesangel]

꣑୧ your big sister's advices ꣑୧

diet advice

my diet

overeating

night snaking

healthy meals

whne to feel full

how to lose weight

eat less sweets

tumblr tips

how to start posting

tags

make smau's - how to use twinote

how to have a pretty layout pic

beauty management - workout tips

random tips - another one

hair care routine

sore muscles - what i use

my workout videos

health influencer i look up to

health/routine tips

new pilates routine ᵎ

life advice - mindset advice

feeling overwhelmed

stay optimistic

not giving up

feeling tired everyday

how to be humble

feeling like a 'failure' at staring something

get back on track

sunday/reset routine

study tips - time management

study tips

my daily routine - how to handle everything

waking up early

discipline

sleeping early

language learning advice

learning korean 1 2 3 4

korean vlogs

[strniohoeee]

hey, can you do some fluff like yn has anxiety, and Matt helps her, thanks @stupendousoperatorwolfathlete

Tightening

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N is suffering from anxiety silently until Matt takes notices and talks with her🫂

Warnings⚠️: None just mentions of anxiety. I would say this is more of a blurb because it’s really short, but hope you enjoy still🫶🏽

Song for the imagine: I’m God- Clams Casino, Imogen Heap

It’s what

I think

Bite tongue, deep breaths

I was sitting with Matt watching The Breakfast Club when suddenly my thoughts started to race. This has been happening to me frequently. I would wake up feeling anxious and sick, and I would try and focus on something else. It would work for a while, but then that feeling came back

These last two days I’ve been suffering from the worst anxiety of my life. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was causing it because my thoughts were just constantly racing. I felt the feeling creep up behind me working its way from my stomach up to my heart and chest and then into my brain

My breathing would quicken, and I would shut my eyes as my hands began to shake. I tried my best to calm myself down doing everything Matt would tell me to do in instances like this. Usually it would work, but these last two days it hasn’t been working the best

I sat next to Matt glancing over at him to make sure he couldn’t see me freaking out. I loved Matt, but I hated being a burden as far as my anxiety. He had his own anxiety to worry about, and I didn’t want mine to affect him at all

My breathing began to pick up, my chest rising and falling rapidly. My hands began to shake and my stomach began to turn. I tried my best to calm myself down. Shutting my eyes and breathing in through my noses

Suddenly I let out a sigh that I didn’t mean to, and Matt instantly looked over at me concern written all over his face

“Are you okay?” He asked pausing the movie

“Yeah I’m good, sorry” I said in a whisper

“That was an anxious sigh, I know you babe. What’s wrong?” He asked me turning towards me more

“I’m okay I promise” I said giving him a smile

“Talk to me” he said grabbing my hands to stop them from shaking

“I’m not so sure. I just have been feeling really anxious these past two days, and for no reason. I don’t want to burden you with this” I said shaking my head

“This isn’t a burden at all if there’s anyone in your life who can really help you it would be. Don’t ever feel that way” He said smiling at me with sad eyes

“I know, I just hate this feeling and I wish it would go away” I said swallowing thickly

“Well what’s on your mind?” He asked me

“I don’t know, I always feel like I should be doing more with my life, I feel like I’m slowly becoming a failure and I feel like you’ll leave me because you’re going to get bored. And then I think about the future. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Are you there with me? It just keeps my mind racing” I said letting a tear slip

Matt wiped my eye

“Baby I will never leave you okay. You’re not a failure and you never will be. You have done so many amazing things and you continue to do amazing things. And as far as the future goes, you can’t control that okay. You have to stop worrying about controlling what’s out of your hands. We just have to live everyday one by one and see where the wind takes us” he said giggling at his corny little metaphor

“You’re right. I’m sorry there’s no reason for me to be this way” I said giggling too

“It’s normal okay. Every human being feels this way from time to time, and that’s okay. Never struggle with this alone I will always be right here for you I promise my love” he said pulling me and hugging me

“Thank you Matt truly for everything. You make everything better” I said pulling away from the hug and kissing him gently

“I love you too. Just how you’re my rock I’m your rock too” he said smiling at me

“I love you” I said blushing and looking away for a second

“My beautiful girl what would I without you” he said pulling me and snuggling me in closely

“You’re too good to me” I said nuzzling in closer to Matt’s chest

He placed a kiss on my forehead, and unpaused the movie. Matt and I finished the film and decided to go for a drive to enjoy the scenery and get something to eat

It was so crazy to me how Matt made me feel so safe, and instantly was able to make me feel better about myself.

He’s the love of my life.

The End

I hope yall enjoyed this one! And I’m sorry it was short, but I’m not too sure how to make something like this lengthy. I also have two other imagines like this on my page, so I don’t want to get redundant🥹🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[crusty-chronicles]

Airheaded S/O Headcannons #9: Hiei (Yu Yu Hakusho)

He wants you dead at first

But that's just because he's a bit standoffish

You'd waltzed in right as he had Yusuke suspended in his clutches at a warehouse.

"Yusuke, you left your calc homework on your desk, you ditz!"

And then you looked up and saw the three eyed demon and your friend.

And he was a little shocked that a human had found his hideout, even with his manipulated spirit energy.

"Kinda in the middle of something here," the greasy haired boy responded.

"Well cut that out for a second. I've got places to be."

Like you weren't just witnessing him about to be killed

It was so baffling how you just completely dismissed the situation, that Hiei's powers actually faltered and let the detective get away.

What the actual hell????

"Get out of here, now!" Yusuke warned.

And you'd just frowned

"Dude, it's not that deep. Why are you even here?"

Now was Hiei's chance to attack

But when he disappeared and quickly reappeared behind with his sword raised, you just caught the blade and glared at him

"Can you back off, I'm trying to talk to my friend."

You shooed him away like a pest.

And that was the moment he decided he wanted you dead.

A strong believer in survival of the fittest

And what the hell, because you had not a single working brain cell but were somehow stronger than him????

Kuwabara is your best friend and the two of you combined are stupid²

And it's horrible because there's only so much stupidity Hiei can take.

During the time he's still conforming after being caught, he spends most of it in the human world scouting you out for any weaknesses.

He still holds a grudge from the first time you met

But he's so damn surprised to find out that you're a walking hazard

How does one leave the stove, microwave, and oven on?

How does one forget that they're all on at the same time????

It would be so easy to let your own recklessness kill you

But his damn pride won't let that happen because he wants to be the one that defeats you

So, you wake up from your nap to see all your appliances turned off

Which is surprising because you vaguely remember cooking something before you feel asleep.

You do earn his respect eventually

It's when Yusuke is tasked with defeating the Saint Beasts

All of you were struggling to keep the roof up from collapsing

Yusuke had suggested Hiei be the one to pull the lever because he was the fastest.

And you'd said something then. Something that made him not want to kill you anymore.

"I might be able to hold the whole thing by myself. You all have to be really fast though."

"Are you crazy?!? There's no way we're gonna leave you behind. We're in this together or not at all," the oaf had protested.

You gave a dopey smile and released all your spirit energy at once, lifting the ceiling with all your might and alleviating the pressure from all the others.

"You scared, Kuwabara? People die everyday. What's one more?"

Hiei had never moved as fast as he did when he pulled that lever down.

You were a fool for risking your life over the others.

A fool for wasting your power on the weak.

But you weren't scared of death, of dying for your morals

And that had his respect.

Hiei does not baby you and finds great amusement in your failures

After all, you're not his responsibility

You accidentally got captured by a demon?

Good luck to whatever idiot thought they'd last more than a minute in the same room as you

You swallowed a poisonous plant Kurama was growing because you were hungry?

That's what you get for giving into your human whims

You threw a punch at an enemy that missed and hit Yusuke instead?

You should've hit him harder

Uses your naivety to his advantage

The tape with Yukina?

You'd told him without much thought about the situation

Only for Hiei to drag you towards where she was being held captive.

"Ooh, where are we going?"

"Just quiet down and follow me, human."

It's because you can sense spirit energy a little better than he can.

That and if he's spotted, he can just pass it off as you dragging him along to see Kuwabara.

Surprisingly, you're quiet and don't make a sound that gets the two of you caught.

And maybe he's a little grateful you don't question him about it.

You don't question why he wants to save this girl you've never heard of up until a few days ago.

You just go along with it because 'We're friends.'

You're so stupid for trusting him that easily when he wanted so badly to kill you not long ago

So unbelievably stupid for following around a demon just cuz

You had a fool's heart, that was for sure.

You were a trustworthy ally during the Dark Tournament, a strong warrior during the battle with Sensui, and a true fighter during the demon tournament.

It's the last event that he realizes he values you a little more than he should.

He had just barely beaten Mukuro and was set to fight you next.

The thing was, Hiei could barley stand with his injuries, while you hadn't broken a sweat.

This was the one fight he looked forward to the most, besides the one he wanted with the spirit detective.

But there was this look on your face

An uncomfortable yet sorrowful look.

Why weren't you as excited as he was?

He shrugged the feeling off as the announcer told them to begin.

His sword was long destroyed, so he resorted to basic combat skills instead.

He lunged, fist clenched to hit, but you just dodged with that same look

He tried again and the result was the same

You didn't even try to block his attacks, just moved out of the way.

Like he was beneath you to even try.

He recognized the look now

It was pity

And that infuriated him.

"Why won't you fight back!" A kick aimed for your side.

"You think you're so-called friendship matters here? Your emotions mean nothing. Not in here. So quit acting like a fool and fight!" A punch aimed at your throat.

You stopped it this time, but didn't attack him back.

You were making a fool out of him.

And before he could berate you again, you spoke.

"I don't care if we're friends or not. Either way, the fight still isn't fair."

And that had temporarily halted his anger.

"What do I gain from beating someone so injured, they can't stand up? What do you gain from fighting when you have no power? Think about it."

You didn't want to fight because you wouldn't enjoy it?

It wouldn't be a win for you

"It's not fair to either of us if we fight like this. We'd never get to find out who's really stronger."

Hiei was the fool.

He'd lashed out at Mukuro for letting her feelings get in the way and here he was, doing the same.

Letting his pride get in the way of rational thought

He'd been the one to get upset that you weren't fighting him as an equal, when the condition he was in clearly said otherwise.

"I know you don't want to lose the tournament, so I quit. But I want you to heal up and get stronger. Don't die because next time I see you, I'll kick your ass the way you want. Got it?"

Don't die

You and that oaf shared the same moral code.

But something about it being you made him tolerate it.

"...I surrender. I'm in no shape to continue. Y/n, you better not hold back next time."

Much to the dismay of the audience, the two of you walked back together. The outcome of the match: no winner.

There was something for him to look forward to now. A new goal.

He'd surpass you and then Yusuke.

Following the events of the demon tournament, he's a little softer towards you.

You and that stupid human heart of yours had him observing you from the trees.

He was unused to the heaviness he felt seeing you visit Yukina and making her laugh.

He couldn't understand the warmth consuming his face when you would fight a stray demon and win.

He didn't know why he used his Jagan to see you while he was in demon world.

But he did know he didn't like seeing you and the idiot duo hanging off of each other, cackling at something one of them said.

Don't count on him acting on his feelings.

He would never tell you.

But his actions towards you are more than enough to let the others know you're his.

He calls you fool(derogatory) and if he's feeling sweet, just by your name.

Jealousy is a big one.

Hiei's never had something special he's been allowed to keep.

So if you're spending a little too much time with Kuwabara, don't be surprised to see him at your window the next day.

He'll deny to his dying breath that he came all the way from demon world just to see you.

He'll also deny leaving some of his own clothing or even his sword at your house just so it smells more like him than it does your (just as stupid) best friend.

Hiei leaves for months at a time and without fail, will always come back the day after you went crying to Kurama that you think he's died.

(Thanks to his Jagan that is. There isn't a day he doesn't check up on you so he's bound to know when you miss him.)

Kurama is his best friend, but that doesn't stop Hiei from getting upset when he comes to get you and sees you sound asleep on the fox's bed.

You just smell so much like the other demon now, it pisses him off.

"Keep your scent off my human."

And Kurama finds immense joy in his childish anger.

"Maybe if you would physically see them more, they wouldn't come by so often."

And Hiei's grumbling as he picks you up, still dead asleep, to bring you back to the home that would restore his own scent back on you.

The time spent when you wake up is for sparring.

He can't find it in him anymore to fight you for real

But that doesn't mean he won't enjoy the false matches you have with each other.

He refuses to take you with him to demon world.

You have a life here

And though it's tempting to take you where you wouldn't be very far away from him, he knows you wouldn't be happy away from everyone else.

So, the one and only thing he does that hints at his feelings for you is give you the makeshift necklace made from hiruiseki stone. His to be exact.

"Take it."

"Why?" Your small little brain was struggling to figure out why he would want you to have it.

"It represents a promise. A promise that I'll be back for you no matter what. So take care of it for me, human."

NEXT UP: Kurapika Kurta

MASTERLIST

An: Yall sorry it took so long, i deadass got sick last week.

[wizlizbelle3]

You misunderstand self concept and drag yourself further away from your goals (shifting/void/manifestation) - a Tarot reading! + a mini challenge

So in a tarot reading I did for myself, I found divine answers that I think put things into perspective for me. I want to share it with y’all because we’re all in the same boat. So my question was, “am I on the right path to inducing the void?”

I got the Death card. 5 of cups, 10 of cups, and the lovers. You can read each description in the photos below, but I’m just going to talk about how I used them to figure out where I was “going wrong”. You can use this advice for literally any venture whether it’s shifting, void, or manifestation. Read carefully and try to let the facts sink in.

Death isn’t a bad card. This is actually one of the most positive cards in the deck. We’ve going through a major change and have been going through it since we found out about our respective aims (inducing the void or whatever else). We need to focus our energy on what is “ahead” of us. All of these cards have a similar message: don’t get stuck in the past.

The past attempts that you consider a failure are not failures at all. It’s your subconscious mind clinging on to what is comfortable. Comfortable doesn’t always mean desirable. Lots of people choose to stay in abusive or toxic situations because it’s what they’ve always known. Most of us found out about these things because there’s toxicity in our lives.

Letting go - people don’t get what this means still. If you were a master shifter or someone who could easily induce the void or manifest instantly, would you look for subliminals? Would you make playlists? Would you read tumblr everyday for advice and not just for fun? Would you pity yourself?

You wouldn’t. This is what letting go is. Letting go of the emotional baggage, hesitations, expectations, everything that makes you a regular average person. What are you expecting? None of these concepts are miracles. You can already do them (I’ll get into this later on) but you “expect” yourself to be in your DR or in the void?

Expectation ≠ Knowing and in order for you to achieve your goals, you have to KNOW you’ll get them or that you already have them. Whichever one you’re more comfortable with. Actually, I wanna talk about this as well. Tons of people are not susceptible to just believing they already have what they want. Which is why you have the option to reinforce the belief that you WILL have them. “Can” is uncertain and inactive. “Will” is definitive. So if you feel like knowing that you will have it is easier than knowing that you already have it, do that.

The ten of cups does talk about romance but it also applies to other situations. The base of the card is the last line in the picture. “Having it all”. That is the feeling you must feel. You have it all. You go to bed, wake up in the void. You don’t need to do anything because you have it all. The more effort you put in, the more resistance you create. The more things you want to do to get it, the more you push yourself away from it. You have it all. This also applies to using “will” mentality. You have everything you want so you know you “will” enter the void or manifest instantly or shift.

The lovers is an interesting card here because as the pic says “it’s a concept of choice between things that are opposing and mutually exclusive”

Opposing: I can and I can’t , I do and I don’t

Mutually exclusive: If you are this, you can’t be that.

Choose if you are the void master or if you aren’t and if you are, you can’t not be a void master (apply to all concepts). This card signifies the important of decision and choice. You have to decide and choose if you can wake up in the void effortlessly or not and if you can, then you can’t say that you can’t. Because you can.

This card also signifies the importance of personal belief developments and now this is the part that really helped me.

We form belief systems based on what has been passed through people that we trust (bloggers, YouTubers etc). But we’re just installing that information instead of thinking for ourselves. For example, tons of bloggers used to say that when you manifest in the void, you shift to a completely different reality and that turned people away from the idea of the void. Tons of people now who have been in the void consciousness state know that you don’t go anywhere. You’re in the same reality and get whatever you want because reality is malleable. You must form a belief system of your own. Trust your gut, follow your instinct. (reality shifting is shifting your awareness to a complete different reality in terms of existence so that would be a shift in reality but the void is just your as pure consciousness. It’s a state and you’re not going anywhere unless you use it to shift realities. Whatever you want will manifest here, in our current reality)

Another thing, you must decide what you think is important and unimportant in your journey. Is Psych K important? Are subs important? Is robotic affirming important? Weed out the excess info/challenges/work and stick with what YOU think is important.

Self concept

People misunderstand self concept all the time. It’s not “knowing you’re that b*txh” or “being c*nty”. No. Stop.

The books I’ve read, the readings I’ve done, they all point to EMOTIONAL RELEASE. We react to inconveniences or “failed” attempts emotionally. Not physically and not mentally. Emotionally. We’ve been through a lot and that has caused us to carry emotional baggage which causes doubt, lack of confidence, lack of self trust, lack of self respect and more.

So what self concept really is, is working to release emotional baggage. Meditate, do EFT tapping, tell yourself you trust yourself in the mirror..whatever you need to do to feel confident and to be able to trust yourself.

Mini Challenge

So my challenge is very simple:

1) no challenges. Yep. Drop the routine.

2) whenever you have doubts, think to yourself “that’s literally not possible because I’m a master shifter or I’m a void master or I induce the void so easily or I will wake up in the void” tell yourself there’s no way you can’t do those things because you’ve already chosen to have the ability to do them. You have a choice. This is so important. You always have to pick between choices. Just choose and decide that you’re an expert at what you want.

3) Say “I choose to be _ “ and LET GO. Get off tumblr, get off Reddit and just be. Anytime you think of it. Just remind yourself, “nah it’s done, I made my choice”. It’s that simple.

4) optional: so emotional release meditations. Some people have suppressed emotions that hinder their ability to be confident. Change that for yourself.

I promise you guys, this isn’t complicated and you already are what you want to be. Come on now. You found out about this for a reason and you need to step tf up. ❤️❤️

[winchesterfanatic1967]

The L Word

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,273 

Warnings- Season 5 spoilers

You awoke with a deep gasp, your heart pounding and eyes wide. Sitting up and looking around the room you realize that you’re ok. Sam was asleep on the motel bed next to you, while Dean slept peacefully beside you. His chest rose and fell steadily, and you were more than grateful that you didn’t wake either of the boys up. 

This hunt had been particularly difficult, and you knew the boys were exhausted and they needed their sleep. You were also exhausted, but the nightmares that usually occurred stopped you from being able to sleep. 

The truth is, you were defeated. You and the Winchester brothers were working non stop and it was beginning to be one hunt after the other without a break and casualty after casualty with more lives lost than saved. It was kind of Sam’s fault that the world was coming to an end, but he received so much backlash from everyone you figured he’s been punished enough. 

You couldn’t help but sigh softly and buried your face into your hands, then running your fingers through your scalp in frustration. Tears pricked at your eyes and you tried desperately to hold them back. All you wanted to do was sleep and get some well needed rest. 

“Y/n? S’matter?” 

You looked to your right to see Dean looking at you with squinty and sleepy eyes. Guilt coursed through you. “M’sorry De. Go back to sleep I’m alright.”

“What happened? Another nightmare?”

You look at him confused but he knew you better than you knew yourself. “We share a bed at every motel we stay in, and when we aren’t staying in a motel we’re living in the car. If you think I don’t know you by now or picked up on the fact that you’re not alright, you’re crazy.”

You quietly sigh, and look to your arms that were holding onto your legs. “You’re right. M’not alright. I haven’t been for some time.”

“I know.” He says teasingly with a smile playing onto his lips and yours did the same. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,-” You shook your head. “But..I really should.”

“I know I’m not the best person to talk to or get advice from. Hell, I bottle everything up and explode when I can’t take it anymore, but take it from me. Talking about your issues is way better than letting your mental health go down the drain…”

“I just…I feel like a failure. We’ve lost so many people in the last few years and with everything going on with the apocalypse… I feel like were losing more casualites than actually saving lives..”

The way he was looking at you was making your heart melt. His complete attention was on you, no distractions and every word you spoke you felt more and more comfortable expressing your feelings to him. You should’ve talked to him more, but you were stubborn just like him. 

The truth is, your heart belonged to Dean and it always will. You’ve had your fair share of hookups with him and you knew that’s all you would ever get. Let’s face it, hunters don’t get a happy ending and he made it perfectly clear that it was a friends with benefits relationship. 

Everytime he got close to someone it ended up in hurt and death. It’s the reason why he and Cassie never worked out, or why he had to walk away from Lisa. He knew he would never be able to get anything real and that’s why it was easy with you. No feelings or strings attached and you knew about the Supernatural so you understood the life. 

Everything went well except you broke the number one rule of your friends with benefits relationship. You grew real feelings. Of course you wouldn’t say anything to Dean, because having him as a friend was better than not having him as anything at all. 

“I just… I don’t know how to move forward. Trying so hard to save the world everyday and knowing it’s all on our shoulders is putting so much pressure on me. The clock is ticking and we’re running out of time. Jo and Ellen are dead because of us, Bobby can’t walk because of us…at his point I feel as if the world would be a better place without me” Your eyes welled up with tears and you were desperately trying to push them down. 

“Hey hey hey, c’mere…” He cooed gently and pulled you into him. You turned to face him and wrapped your arms around his torso while burying your face into the crock of his neck. 

He felt the tears sliding against his skin and his heart broke at the silent sobs that racked your body. He was so in love with you and it terrified him. He fell in love with you at the first hello. His past relationships never worked out but he couldn’t hide his adoration for you. He didn’t want to see you get hurt or to lose you so he figured innocent flirting and hooking up would do no harm. 

You meant way more to him than just a hookup. He was scared as fuck to tell you especially now. If he told you how he really felt knowing his luck you would die on him tomorrow. 

“Sweetheart, you have no idea how wrong you are..” He says softly. “The world would be a worse place without you in it. It would most likely already be destroyed if you weren’t here. No, this isn’t easy and it takes a toll on me too every single day. But I know for a damn fact without you, me, Sam and Bobby..it.. It wouldn’t be half the world it is. No, things aren’t the best with Bobby but unfortunately in our line of work it’s unpredictable and anything can happen at anytime. I really thought I would be dead by now and here I am at 30 alive and kicking. We’re doing our best and I can’t promise that any of us are going to make it through it, but I know for a fact we’re going to stop the apocalypse. If we go down, then we’re going to go down together and swinging…”

Your silent cries turned into tears, which eventually turned into occasional sniffles as he spoke softly. He always knew the right things to say to make you feel better. “Thank you…” You sniffle quietly and he wraps his arms around you tighter. 

“I wish our lives were different sweetheart, because I would love to be normal with you…white picket fence with a dog and some kids..”

You look up at him and the amount of vulnerability in his features made your heart flutter. “I want that more than anything too De…I have strong feelings for you and it scares the shit out of me…”

“I, I feel the same way. I want to use the L word so much…because you deserve nothing more than to hear it every day…but I can’t. M’ scared to shit that if I tell you you’ll be taken from me and I can’t…” He took a deep breath. 

“It’s okay De. I understand.” 

“C’mere.”

You snuggled deep into him as much as you could while burying your face into his neck once more. He placed a kiss to the top of your head while wrapping his arms around you snugly. 

“If somehow we do make it out of this…things will be different. I promise.” He spoke and now you had a reason to want to make it through this and live.

[myfandomprompts]

Hi, would you be willing to do any more Headcanons with Ewan's characters?

I thought about something like this, how each of Ewan's characters would react and act if he (the character) really liked the reader (I mean on a level of suffering for love), but the reader didn't reciprocate those feelings.

Hi anon! Of course, here we go:

Unreciprocated Love reaction - Ewanverse Headcanons

Abraham:

He had set his eyes on you, it would be easy winning you over. But he hadn't expected the reader to refuse him, and he hadn't expected his infatuation to develop into extreme fixation. Suddenly when you're not around, he needs to know where you are, what you’re doing, with who. He hates not knowing. You don’t like him? Then maybe he’ll make you see that he is the only one for you.

Aemond:

He does not often fall in love, and he doesn't accept failure, so he must be certain his feelings are reciprocated. When it's clear it's not, he bids his time, denies his enragement to the world and waits for you to have no choice but to fall in his arms. You will eventually, he is sure of it, he had never stepped down to a challenge, and you're the greatest of them all, he needs to have you.

Billy Taylor:

Is sullen for months. It had taken so much time for him to gather the courage to confess, to tell you how much he cares about you. And it was all for disappointment. He doesn’t think his young heart can take it, and he doesn’t think it will ever heal either. Starts to pick up things you leave behind to collect them, because it reminds him of you.

Billy Washington:

Absolutely crushed. But he isn't even surprised, he never had any luck in life, so having someone like you love him back would have been too good to be true. He tells himself he will be fine, get over it, but it doesn’t. It hurts when he learns you’ve gone out with one of his friends two days after he confessed and it hurts more that he has to see you everyday. He starts to be mean to his friend, real mean and soon he is afraid he’ll lose it in front of you. He can’t stand it.

Ettore:

He doesn’t really understand the feeling, this sensation in his stomach when he looks at you but he knows he wants more. He has to obey his body, because it feels so good, and refusal is not an option. He won’t get angry, he won’t be violent, but he will stalk, and he will watch. At first. Then it’s just you and your incessant habit to ignore him and he can’t take it anymore. He has to do something about it. He’s just not sure you’ll like it.

Genyen:

He knows his flirting technique isn’t perfect, but he at least expected something, some semblance of interest. Not indifference on your part and then complete avoidance. He admits that hooking up with one of their friends out of spite was not one his smartest moves, but at least he discovered from the jealous expression on your face that you might care after all. He’ll make you regret it at some level.

Michael Gavey:

He knows there is no chance you like him back, no chance you would even consider it. But he can't help but ask one day. He had to, it drove him crazy: how he thinks about you every single hour of the day as well as during his waking hours at night, how every time he sees you he has a cold sweat. It falters his focus far more than he allows himself to, and he has to do something about it. But the rejection hurt more than any others, and now he just has to try and not being a fucking creep about you until he finished uni. Easier said than done.

Osferth:

He doesn’t even know what to answer to Finan and Sithric when they ask him why he is sad all the time. How could he admit that it’s because he had suffered the greatest heartbreak of his life? How can he explain that he doesn’t feel like he couldn't live happily if he does not see you everyday, get to be close to you, talk to you. He wishes he could forget you ever existed. Maybe God will grant him this wish. But it's just a silly hope, and he is cursed to watch you from afar.

Tom Bennett:

Pretend he would get over it soon. Tells himself that you were "too good" for him anyway. But then time passes and he doesn't feel like this for anyone else but you, so he starts to unconsciously live his life around you. He thinks he will grow out of it eventually, but it doesn't. The disappointment makes him crave for what he would have had if he was with you, but despite the frustration he doesn't let it bring him down. Tom Bennett is never discouraged after all, and he will continue being his charming self with you whenever he can.

Will:

He tries. He really tries to let go and move on but knowing you don't feel the same is gnawing at him. Eventually he starts to feel angry, all the time and he blames you first, then himself. You were so nice to him, and now you act cold and distant. Soon there is only one thought in his head: he has to fix it.

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[wumblr]

what are those extreme chances where you have the possibi of changing other peoples minds?

lord, i don't know. i pulled my abusive mom halfway out of mormonism because she loved the idea of having children so much that it quite literally physically and medically broke her heart when i went no contact. and she still died avoiding responsibility for what she'd done, not knowing me very well at all, and saying things like "if i have a being after i'm gone," "some parents have like a sixth sense when something is wrong with their kids but i never understood that," and "my therapist said it's best not to burden children with any of that religious shit" (all signs that she did not interrogate any of the core underlying causes nor uproot the underlying beliefs. but also, signs of the half-distance she was able to cover)

obviously this did not go well and i can't say i recommend it, but i have to admit i did get further than people whose parents simply disown them. i have no explanation for why. my inability to theorize or develop a model that can explain or fix this kind of thing feels like a capital-G Great Failure. but it speaks to this unacknowledged and brutal reality that there are maybe a handful of people in someone's life who can really get them to stop, question, or pivot to change their underlying philosophy, moral core, or behavioral structure

if you acknowledge that, then you can't call shouting on the internet "activism." so i understand why people don't. because the painful truth is that we do not have any capacity to steer this sinking ship and we never did, it was always going to steer on towards war profiteering til it sank itself no matter what anybody said or did. the hard fact is that billions of people are throwing their lives away at this problem and the sum total of all their efforts is precisely nothing

i'm probably wasting my time stating this on the website where 95% of people do not read the news for their mental health because 80% of them would rather imagine fictional characters from the propaganda machine having sex. which is where they get the redemption arc shit. because they watch 70 tv shows a year that narratively hinge on these far-extremal experiences. of course i can see it would be nicer (for my mental health) to believe people can change. and i do. but i believe it's much, much, much, much rarer than anyone wants to admit, and for the vast majority of those extremely rare cases, they half-ass it. because whole-assing it involves ego death and facing mortality. which is painful, in an insultingly mundane and everyday way. you don't ever get to wake up one day having done all the work with the problem solved. that's why narrative fiction is so seductive. you get explicable character pivots and satisfying endings

[freyjas-musings]

For Day 7 of @gwynrielweeksofficial I have something different , this is a drabble from Gwyns POV ... it was a concept that was in my head and it's inspired from a movie I saw years back ( I don't remember the name or language sorry!!! )

@aldbooks thank you for making this possible and presentable.... without her I wouldn't even have posted it... its my first attempt at creative writing (Please be kind 🤗)

You can read it on AO3 here

Lone leaf in the Autumn 🍂 Wind

The autumn wind howled outside while Gwyn sat by, staring out the window. She had been here two months they said, but she hardly realized- time didn’t matter to her anymore. If she was being honest nothing mattered to her anymore.

The days had bled together and the only emotions she felt were swinging between excruciating pain at the loss of her sister, or numbness out of fatigue; she existed and that’s all she had the strength for. Only one question was on her mind- why her? Why was she still here while so many others, more worthy, more deserving even, had not made it.

As Gwyn stared out the window all she could see was the lone leaf on a tree outside of her dormitory holding tight to the tree while all of its other companions had succumbed to the wind. How long would the leaf hold on, she thought. How long would it last against the onslaught of the roaring wind? Did the leaf want that? To hold on? Would it be easier for it to give up and join the rest, fly away with the wind. Stop struggling, stop fighting, stop feeling …

Everyday, Gwyn went about the same routine. She was yet to say a word apart from the initial conversation with Mor, Clotho and Rhysand- she couldn’t get herself to. Everytime she sat in front of the counselling priestess all she could do was cry and scream, rage at her failure. At her inability to save her sister. Clotho had offered her a position to work under one of her head researchers. Gwyn hadn’t accepted it, nor had she rejected the offer. The truth was she didn’t know- didn’t know what she wanted anymore. She was lost. Except going to the counsellors chamber she never went out. When she wouldn’t turn up in the communal dining hall, food was sent to her. All Gwyn did was sit at the window staring at the lone leaf wondering how much longer.

And, more importantly, why? Why hang on?

Nights weren’t much better, the bloody memory and her sister accusing her of failing her plagued her mind. She couldn’t sleep and if she did for a brief minute, she would wake up with a nightmare. One such night she woke up, body covered in cold sweat and heart pounding, and her entire being trembled. All she could do was sob, she went to the window and the lone leaf fluttered, struggled, yet stayed put; and Gwyn asked the mother why? Why not end the struggle?

Days later, Gwyn stared at the leaf still valiantly fighting, tears streaming down her cheeks. Where did the leaf find the strength, she thought. What motivated it to stay put, she wondered. Was it simply in its nature to never give up on life? Or was there a reason, a purpose greater than what it realized.

It was then that she felt it. She jolted as she felt a cool whisp of air caressing her cheek, as though in comfort. As she looked at the source, she realized what it was; a shadow. Strangely enough, she recognized it like her very being responded to it. She somehow knew who the shadow belonged to- its master. The Shadowsinger.

He was the one who had pulled her out of the wreckage of Sangravah, her temple now in rubble. He had looked like an angel of death sent by the mother herself to avenge the loss of her children. Gwyn had seen him cut through them within minutes. They died too quickly, she thought, but he made sure it wasn’t painless.

What, she did not expect, was the life altering snap she felt when their eyes met, the bond now permanently tying them together. He seemed oblivious to the bond- a small mercy, given being shackled to her was a punishment. She had nothing to offer. She hated herself and hated that she survived. So, she kept silent.

When Mor healed her and spoke to her, she had confessed to her. Perhaps it was Mor’s magic, the power of truth that had pulled that confession from her. Thankfully she had promised Gwyn to keep the secret; to let her decide. To never betray her trust.

The shadow caressed her cheek again and Gwyn, for the first time since arriving, whispered, “did he send you?” Her heart was pounding. She couldn’t think of why he would, but the shadow moved sideways seemingly bobbing its head as if to say no.

She then whispered, “does he know?” Again, the same answer, which she assumed was no. Relief washed through her. She looked at the shadow now and asked, “why are you here then?” The shadow zoomed to the window, as if pulling her attention to something.

As Gwyn looked to where the shadow was pointing, her heart almost gave out, because the shadow was pointing to the lone leaf. And, as she looked closer, she realized there was another little shadow circling the stem of the leaf, holding it to the tree. It had protected the leaf from falling off. Had held it for Gods knew how long. She wondered how the shadows knew?

Had the wind whispered to them? How they had known, she could never guess. Yet something restless settled in her, knowing the shadows, his shadows, had gone to those lengths for her. For the first time since arriving Gwyn thought, maybe … Maybe it wasn’t so bad to just try. Just try to fight, find a purpose. If not for her, then for her mate.

She looked at the shadow and smiled.

The next day, Gwyn went up to Clotho and accepted the offer to work. Thanks to the lone leaf in the autumn wind, she found a reason to at least try ……

[bardicious]

Not feeling all that coherent right now, but it’s on my mind. Thinking about how as you age, years really start blurring together. Something that happened to you five years ago can feel as recent as today. And I still get nightmares about elementary school of all things and people gone by, with the additional bonus of nightmares including but not limited to: death, nuclear war, murderers, everyday woes in the mix.

Makes me wonder what Jim Kirk dreams of. Does Tarsus come to him every night? Every week? All his most horrific failures jumbling together, meshed in with a messy relationship or a current one. Does he wake up every morning and need to talk himself down from a stressful night. Or get reminded by something horrible by just a word or a sight.

And how frequently would it affect his diet as well? The lovely part about that being, it’s canon that Bones has him on diets because for whatever reason he can’t regulate himself, too busy worrying about the rest of his ship to actually take care of himself. And how lucky he is to have Spock and Bones who do it for him. But then, again, how does he fair without them post-TOS, pre-TMP, when he’s depressed and alone and only has his memories to keep him company. Feeling maybe like some days he’ll wake up and be on that ship again.