#everybody knows kung fu fighting

[thejdblog]

Still waiting for when a Spidey movie or show kinda actually does this. 🕷🕸

[warrior-kitty]

will forever be haunted by the fact that a Kung Fu Panda world would’ve been absolutely perfect for Kingdom Hearts but it will never happen because it’s a DreamWorks property

[crisispider]

[ text ] I miss you.

Text Spider-Man!!! (Not you Mr. Jameson.) - Accepting - @spinxeret

[ Contact - UNKNOWN ] - Main/Default Text Tone

It's only been a month since the divorce.. and they had spent their entire lives together, so it's no surprise that one of them buckled.

It doesn't matter that he has DELETED her number from his phone so he wouldn't be TEMPTED to text her in his weaker moments late at night, because he knows her number by heart. (He always has) That's why it's so much more JARRING to see it sitting in his phone after his plain and boring text tone went off instead of whatever goofy one he had assigned to her number. ( A thing he had been doing since it was a thing you could do with cell phones.)

Peter stares down at his phone for what feels like an eternity as he debates on what to do. Part of him so DESPERATELY wants to text her back, to tell her he has missed her too... but he doesn't. He can't. The moment he lets himself.. he opens the wound all over again, she can't move on if he doesn't let her.

So he deletes it.

[homunculus-argument]

I think if we all had infinite amount of time and resources, theatres would do some sort of "wrong answers only" production challenges, where the director and everybody involved goes out of their way to perform the play in a way where all the dialogue and cues are technically correct, but performed as incorrectly as possible. If the script simply says "they fight" and you know that these characters are supposed to have an epic dramatic battle of some sort - if we're talking Shakespeare, probably originally swordfighting, though modern adaptations have gone with everything from guns to kung fu - but instead you've got them both intensely nipping at each other with these:

The character who's supposed to die in this battle does, naturally, still die. By being somehow nipped to death.

[sifu-kisu]

OK;

So I gave the Netflix, avatar the last Airbender a second try. I took off my judgment goggles and looked at it as a brand new work of fiction. Now mind you my opinion means nothing, but I do have a certain level of emotional attachment to this intellectual property.

The live action show is very pretty, I love the costumes and I actually enjoy some of the characters. Keep in mind I’m only 20 minutes into the second episode. I’m a little busy these days. But I plan to make some time. I took down my original post where I called the show trash so that I could collect more data for my opinion.

Some grumbles;

The special effects are kind of wonky in places. I don’t care for Appa‘s hair. 😁

Some of the fight scenes actually have good kung fu in them. Hats off to the choreographer. However the connected CGI animations of the characters performing bending imho lack the basic essences of bending. The Airbender staff fighting had no “bending” at all.

The work we did on the original show came from a certain type of process, and none of those processes seem to exist in this current offering from Netflix…

I think if Bryan and Mike had stuck around on the project you may have seen some differences, but we will never know will we?

I may write more about this after I’ve seen the entire affair. I’m still a little upset about what NF did to cowboy bebop. Both of these shows had a certain “soul“ in the original animations, but that is one more element missing in these current efforts.Heck I know people that worked on NFATLAB that won’t even watch it.

In closing someone brought to my attention that some clown on Reddit called me an asshole.

Meh, I may very well be.

But your opinions are just like assholes, everybody’s got one 😜

(((i’ve had a Reddit account since 2008))

🙃

[louis--wifey]

WTTT Incorrect Quotes but it's just things that people in my real life have said

It's so long I'm so sorry 😭😭

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Illinois, cleaning his shoes: Last time I wore these shoes I got apple butter on them..

Ohio: I remember that song. *singing* Apple butter shoes, boots with the fur.

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Florida: *yapping*

New York, who forgot his phone in the car: I'm going to get my phone so I can ignore you for a minute.

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South Carolina: Georgia and I are dressing at Waylon and Willie for Halloween!

North Carolina: I could be Johnny Cash and just lay there in a coffin... *To the tune of Hurt by NIN covered by Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash impression.* I hurt myself, today

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Washington, helping Nevada with his math homework: Let's break it down

Nevada: I'll break it down *gets off of his chair and starts break dancing*

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Kansas: That sounded like a car commercial...

Oklahoma: I can write car commercials all day long.

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Maryland: Nothing says hot like harmonica!

(I have no context for this btw. My professor said it a couple weeks ago and I tuned into the conversation as soon as he said it and I have no idea what was happening before hand)

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Michigan: Hey, Ohi-

Ohio: And all of the sudden I heard an irritating, grading voice. And it was yours.

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Illinois: My grandma has chickens, and she's obsessed with chickens.

Minnesota: Tell your grandma to call me.

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Arizona: If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go lock myself in the cooler.

Utah: Bang on the door if you need anything.

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Florida: *lands on go to jail in Monopoly* Noooo in jail again!?

Gov: That's something we need to talk about. If you keep driving so fast you're going to end up in jail.

Florida: Oh I thought this was gonna be about me puking in the county jail parking lot...

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California: What three characters have omniscience?

Florida: Your mom

California: What four characters have omniscience?

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Colorado: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Wisconsin: FOOD TRUCK!

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Missouri: Guess what my dream car is

Indiana: A Lamborghini

Missouri: No

Indiana: A Kia Soul

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Washington: New York with the leadership skills!

New York: I just know where I'm going -_-

Washington: Say "I'm New York and I'm a baddie"

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Texas: Can you count change? *Looks down at the change California gave him* You can!

California: I'm great at counting change, I used to do it for fun when I was little. Because I didn't have any friends.

Texas: Pfff-

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Oregon: A Monster a day keeps the straightness away.

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Nevada: You look like a clown.

California: Am I a pretty clown?

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Gov, to Louisiana and Florida: I would stop whining so much if you two stopped drinking alcohol.

California: Sometimes your whining makes me wish I liked alcohol.

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Florida: Gov, I'm helping!

Alabama: By... Making it harder?

Florida: Yep!

~~~~

Florida, singing: Everybody was kung fu fighting

New Jersey, to the tune Kung Fu Fighting: Everybody should shut the fuck up

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Washington's cat: *killing a bug.*

Washington: "Rip in half! Rip in half! Rip in half! When I say "beat" you say "that ass" Beat! *Long pause, points to Oregkn* Fill in for him!

Oregon: *slowly turns around in his spinny chair*

Washington: Aw, come on! You can say donkey instead. Beat!

*silence*

Oregon: No.

Washington: Fine. *dances out of the room* K-I-C-K-Y-O-A-S-S Oh yeeessss!

~~~~

Maryland: *playing a cheap toy recorder on a make-shift stage*

Massachusetts: MORE COWBELL!!

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California: I just love feeling like a menopausal woman.

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Oregon, sick: The crystal ladies said if you got sick after the eclipse, it's your ancestors banishing evil from your body.

Idaho: They're praying the gay away

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South Dakota: Wish me luck in war

Minnesota: You're not going to war, you're asking for a box

South Dakota: It's the same thing, damn it!

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Alaska: Penny for your thoughts?

Hawaii: I don't have any pennies.

Alaska: I don't have any thoughts!

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Louisiana: We can bring the baguette to and beat California with it...

Florida: Or Utah.

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Gov: If you could make any crime legal what would it be?

New York, Florida and Louisiana at the same time: Arson!

Gov: *mortified expression*

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Iowa, about chicken: Are you a thigh person?

Nebraska: I like legs... ThEy TrIeD tO pUt Me On ThE cOvEr Of VoGuE bUt My LeGs WeRe ToO LONGGGGG!

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Colorado: I need a stick!

California: I need a boyfriend, your point?

Colorado: ...Not that kind of stick.

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Oregkn: In high school my favorite past time was kissing boys.

Washington: *turns to California* Is that your favorite past time too?

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Texas: Why aren't bananas called yellows?

Florida: Because then Gwen Stefani couldn't use it in her song.

Louisiana: She'd just have to spell it different: This shit is yellows! Y-E-L-L-O-W-S!

~~~~

California: He's gay and he committed suicide.

New York: He's you... Don't commit suicide, please.

California: I WILL BECOME A MUSICAL!

New York: NOOO DO NOT BECOME A MUSICAL!

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North Carolina: I seriously hate you sometimes.

South Carolina Aww I love you too!

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Vermont: You wanna know the biggest dingus I know?

New Hampshire: You?

~~~~

Wisconsin: You're a yeasty beer

Illinois: You're a zesty beer

Wisconsin: Yeah well, your light in the loafers!

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Arizona: *says something dumb*

Nevada: Shaking my as- shaking my head.

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New York: *takes a drink of my pumpkin spice latte* Oh, that's delightful!

California: Look who's a white woman now?!

[later]

California: You basic white woman!

New York: I don't wanna talk about it...

~~~~

Louisiana: *throws a packet of French dressing at Florida, in a French accent* French

Florida: AAAAA IT'S FRENCH!!!

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Florida: Oh, I thought you were committing arson without me

Gov: If I ever decide to commit arson, I'll call you

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Florida: Ah yes, my favorite crime, trespassing. I'm joking... it's not my favorite crime

Georgia: What is your favorite crime?

Florida: Arson!

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Arizona: Finally a good song

New Mexico: Then why do you keep playing bad ones?

~~~~

*Either someone brought up Pedro Pascal*

California: He's the daddiest of daddies.

Texas: Don't say that ever again.

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Maine: There are more animals on the planet than humans and just think you could have been born a crab, but you were born a human"

Maryland: I wish I was a crab, then I could be crabby all day long

Maine: I'm all ready crabby all day long

Maryland: Yeah but if you were a crab you could crawl around and pinch people *walks away sideways with hands held like pinchers*

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Alaska: Why are you getting cologne

Hawaii: I want to smell like a masc lesbian.

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California: I've had morning sickness for the past five years

Florida: Are you pregnant-

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Washington: You can choose what you eat, whether it's vegetables, meat, or ass.

Nevada: *dying laughing* That threw me off guard.

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New York: PA, your turn to tell a word that means something bad

Pennsylvania: Would you consider emotional manipulation bad?

New Jersey: Yeah, I mean no, it turns me on

Pennsylvania: I guess my mom will really turn you on then

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Tennessee: Don't panic but there's a spider on your-

Kentucky: *Proceeds to scream bloody murder*

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Virginia: *sniffs bread.*

Virginia: "It's sourdough."

~~~~

New York: You know I'm insane, right?

California: I'm aware, but I don't care. It's one of your redeeming qualities.

[miracles-and-butterflies]

Luisa: Surely not everybody was kung fu fighting. It’s a statistical improbability.

Isabela: Exactly. Like there had to be one or two clumsy guys, lazy fucks and people who wouldn’t give a shit to join in.

Camilo: I don’t know, we can’t be too sure. They were fast as lightning.

[mister-e-muss]

I figured I’d give you guys a sneak preview of a KFP fic I’m writing. Working title is ‘Temtping Fate’

The Jade Palace was a place of calm tranquility, constantly made contradictory by intense physical labor. It was a place of meditative peace, where its residents perfected their abilities to fight. A mountain palace, that taught people how to throw someone to the floor in three moves or less.

Po rarely thought about it that deeply. He knew Kung Fu inside and out by now. It made sense to him that self-improvement, be it physical or not, would require both loud, high energy exercise rooms, and more introspective quiet areas. The chef in him likened it to broth-less noodles and noodle-less broth. You could do one or the other, but it was much better balanced together.

Balance was always one of Shifu's, and by extension Oogway's, chief lessons. Inner peace, the acceptance of oneself, and the need to push forward we're all key ingredients in making the flavor of one's soul. It was what added heat and depth to the proverbial soup of consciousness.

It was a good thing that such lessons were everywhere in the Jade Palace, because at the moment Po felt about as balanced as a one-legged chair during an earthquake.

He ran through the halls and gardens of the palace, yowls and shouts escaping him as if he were being chased.The groundskeepers, by now well trained to the Dragon Warrior's ways, moved precious decorations and fragile plants out of his way, hardly sparing him more than a passing glance or a roll of their eyes.

It was as Po barrelled through the doors into the east wing, rounded the corner on the left, and shot down the hallway after making two rights, that he caught a familiar glimpse of orange fur. Said orange figure spotted him a moment later, barreling towards her at high speed. 'Tigress!" Po said, digging his heels in an attempt to brake himself.

Tigress' eyes went wide, and in a moment of instinct, braced for impact. Po's body was grabbed and turned around before being set down firmly.

Po stood still and blinked for a second. "Oh good, I found you!" His next words spilled out in a single breath. "I need your help, but I kinda need you to promise not to hate me first, because I feel like you might hate me a little bit if I just come out and say it, but I really do need your help and-"

"Po," Tigress said firmly. "Breath. Slowly." After Po did, and stopped shaking so much, Tigress continued. "Now, from the top, what were you saying."

Po sighed and hid his eyes. "This is gonna take a bit of explaining. Okay, so, you remember Temutai, Warrior King of the Qidan Clan, right?"

Tigress nodded. "That yak that you had to challenge for the princess, right?"

"Yeah, that guy. Big dude, big voice, ego more inflated than a lantern. So, I got a letter a few weeks ago from one of his guys. Apparently he got engaged."

"Temutai. Engaged," Tigress remarked drily.

Po shrugged. "I know, weird right? Guess there's somebody for everybody. Anyway the thing is, he has a sister apparently, and he wants her to marry someone in the Valley so he doesn't have to worry about trade dealings and stuff." Pink started to creep its way up Po's face. "Temutai wrote me last week and said that apparently I was his first choice. 'My sister is a warrior of the Qidan clan, so she must marry a warrior!' That's what he said, anyways."

"I. . . see," Tigress said. "You didn't accept, did you?"

Po scoffed. "No, no! You kidding me? Of course not!"

Tigress wanted to feel relieved, but instead her gut coiled. "So how did this lead to you needing my help?"

Po's face went from pink to red. "See, that's kinda the thing. I couldn't just tell him no: Temutai's an actual king, and an egomaniac besides. So, I had to find a way to tell him no, but gently. I knida just. . . wrote him back the first thing that came into my head." Po stole a quick glance at Tigress, whose face had grown from passively concerned, to hard and searching. Po took another breath. "I told him I was already married."

"Meaning you couldn't get married." Tigress nodded. Not the most impressive coverup, but the logic was sound enough, by Po's standards that is.

"Exactly," Po said. "I thought that would just be the end of it, but apparently Temutai found a groom for his sister somewhere else and wants me there when she gets married."

Tigress crossed her arms. "Easy enough. I still don't see what you need my help for."

Po adjusted the fur on his head, refusing to meet her eyes. "Temutai doesn't just want me there. He wants me, and my wife there."

Tigress mouth hung open, while her arms went limp. She dreaded the next few words, but she forced them out anyways. ". . . And this would-be blushing bride is. . ?"

Po inhaled deeply. "I told him I was married to you." Po then bowed his head over double and held his hands in front of him. "I'm so sorry. I should have told you back when I got the first letter, but I thought it would be funny. It isn't, but I really need your help to bail me out of this. So will you please be my fake wife while we try not to offend a warrior-king!"

[austinsastrology8991]

> How to Turn your Mars On < Why Mars ain't working for you and why you getting Gecked around> Lost yo tail ya fkn lizard <

Mars is Fighting > and i notice some people could use adjustments in their kung fu jitsu

1 > Never surrender. If you surrender, you just told the other person you don't believe in what you are doing or saying. this then makes them believe you are someone easy to fight. If you want to be seen as someone who knows the art of fighting. You only fight when you are prepared to fight. 2 > Everything and Anything is a weapon. Do not let people guilt trip you, do not let people call you out. If you want to call someone out its easy as fuck to do because everyone has a few flaws and that are stapled on their faces. So if someone insults you. You can very easily insult them back. Its easy to make fun of others, and if someone makes fun of you. Its their turn 👹 3 > Everyone chooses their fights very carefully because they are insecure of not coming off strong with this in mind. If someone is willing to fight you, you must at least be aware that they fully believe they will win. If they didn't believe it, they wouldnt try it. Now let me point out that this philosophy. Is some bitch shit. You are all setting the difficulty of your game boys to easy, because you only show others your teeth when it suits you. Sometimes you will be forced to fight in situations where you cannot win. And since you've been practising life on 'easy' you are an easy kill. 4 > Fight someone good at fighting. I notice everyone likes to kill the easy kill, but everyone usually shuts the fuck up when someone notorious walks in the room. And this is all a miserable display of ego isn't it. 5 > You can never tell who is and who isn't good at fighting. Many people keep to themselves and some people are very loud and obnoxious, and they are thought to be intimidating, but I shit you not if you step on them a little bit, they will react very quickly. and far too often there is a reason the quiet one is quiet. They may be afraid of fighting. But question why they are afraid of fighting? If someone is afraid. You must realize there is a reason to be afraid. And if they show you what they saw (its not too hard to mimic) you will realize the quiet one. is always. the darkest. Quiet is displayed in many ways, quiet. is not revealing. Those who reveal. Are revealing because they are not afraid. Quiet is unrevealing. Quiet is afraid. And with a simple change in mindset the quiet one knows how to truly inspire fear. Which today seems to be the only way to fight. Have you seen anyone knocking each other out? Jail is a pretty effective incentive to stop each other from entering physical altercations. Oh and the worst part about this set up? Jail is full of physical displays of dominance. But we are afraid of doing so irl. LOL so we are all fucked if we go to jail I suppose ;p 6 > What is the price of winning? Winning requires you to be humble. No one cares for an arrogant winner. When you win it far too often feels bitter sweet because everyone else is caught up in giving you bullshit flattery, and the other half is so bitter they are biting their tongues. Do not regret losing, its honestly burden relieving. Winning should not be taken for granted nor congratulated because you stole someones happyness "Hey its okay buddy :D" type shit will piss anyone off lmao. 7 > Modern warfare is disgusting. We are mental abusers but not physical abusers. most of us restrain ourselves. We just unleash our rage through our minds because thats what society demands (some use emotions but that is a whole nother topic initself). And well with this in mind. The winner is usually the one who gave the other person the biggest reality check. And its sad. who won really? no one ever does. we just sharpened each others insult sword. kinda sad reality right :/ hey at least no one died. but we are killing their souls :D good job everybody now cmon lets insult each other like internet trolls :D

8 > Do you even know what you want? What do you even want to gain. Is the other person going to change their mind. are you looking for an apology? really assess what you want when you fight or pursue something. because far too often I notice people are pretty goalless and have not much reason to fight. So they just fight when someone steps on their little toes. Like someone pointing out the flaws in something personal always gets defensive. But ask yourself why you being defensive? Like they are probably right. We all have our reasons to live, but that comes with flaws that are stigmatized by each of our own little society's ways of conforming. Usually you are triggered by a wound, as you know how it feels to be cut their, the scar reopens. And your afraid of feeling fear. But if you show someone your not afraid of something that once scared you. Well you learned the art of war my fren 9 > Mars requires fearlessness. If we still fought each other today. with swords and shit. Would you withhold your strike? Or would you strike their weak points? Ofc this is a matter of life and death so you will kill them. But most of you dont realize their is an energy here. And the more you surrender to others whims. The more you gave others victory over you. And this causes a stifling energy of insecurity, and lack of strength / belief. So if you want to fight for something. You fight to the death. Unless you dont bvelieve in it. Then you should not be fighting. Everyone must fight for something. Nothing is more enthralling then fighting and finding something worth fighting for.

[cyanide-sippy-cup]

Okay so yesterday I binged a bunch of movies that were free on YT, including Kung Fu Pandas 1 and 2 (3 wasn't free so I didn't go looking for it) and I just gotta talk about something interesting, being

Tai Lung wasn't actually a villain?

He was an antagonist sure, but he didn't actually do anything particularly evil.

Walk with me.

So, from what we see in the movie, Tai Lung's first ever act of violence or aggression in about 18, maybe 20 years is the attack on the Valley. Sure, he decapitated a few training dummies leading up to this but yknow so does every member of the Five, so...

What's interesting about this is two things. One, we don't know if he actually killed anybody. We see him chasing people, and properties are on fire, but we don't know if he took any lives. In fact, throughout the entire movie, we don't see him kill anyone. I even looked it up to check and everybody seems to be in concensus that he didn't kill anybody.

And two. Oogway takes Tai Lung down in one move. A four-point nerve strike.

This is interesting because not only did he send Shifu first (to fight his own son no less) but he also waited up in the Jade Palace for Tai Lung to come to them instead of going down and doing that in order to save the people from his rampage. All to protect an empty scroll that Oogway knows is empty because he made it!

After this, Tai lung is locked in the prison. Made especially for him. He sits, on his knees, in a pit. Above him are giant crossbows, archers, and stalactites with bombs attached specifically to crush him to death if perceived necessary.

Pinning him down are chains. The cuffs of these chains are explicitly stated in the second movie to tighten the more the prisoner moves, and at the end of these chains are large boulders weighing him down to the floor.

He also wears a custom-made turtle shell with jade dragon head pins to suppress his chi, cause I guess Oogway's got a mean sense of humor. On top of all this, he is also shown to experience abuse from the guards, as we see one intentionally step in Tai Lung's tail and mock him.

When Tai Lung escapes the prison, he noticeably doesn't kill or even go out of his way or even in his way to kill anybody. We see him given the opportunity to kill and he uses it to just punch a guard back and continue to flee. All of the destruction is caused by the guards trying to prevent his escape. The only particularly violent thing we see him do is throw the bombs at the army of guards to get past them, and they may look dead for dramatic effect but they are actually noticeably alive, we even hear one or two groan.

And on top of all of this, there's on thing that really bothers me. The Wuxi finger hold. We first see it used by Shifu, and then later by Po, after Tai Lung tries to paralyze him out of anger. It is quite safe to assume that Oogway knew this hold (and might've used it to defeat Kai?). Knowing this, why the fuck didn't Oogway use it on Tai Lung when he defeated him??

They are preparing for the Dragon Warrior to very specifically "put a final end to Tai Lung" and I just don't understand why Oogway didn't do it then and there when he used the nerve attack.

There he has Tai Lung, unconscious (or at least immobile) on the floor. Instead of using that moment to take him out permanently, he puts him into a very inhumane, quite torturous prison for about 20 years while he has Shifu train a bunch of guys to kill him only after he breaks out and causes some more chaos.

Moral of the story: Oogway what the fuck.

[talltoontales]

// Kung Fu Panda 4 Rewrite \\

PROMPT: Kung Fu Panda 4 felt a little lacking, wanted to try my hand at maybe making it better.

PROMPT BY: Me (ToonMan)

STARTED WRITING: 03/29/2024

Alright, Ground Rules:

Jack Black’s cover of “One More Time” by Britany Spears is amazing, and I will not argue otherwise.

This rewrite is coming from my enjoyment of the series, not just bashing a “bad movie” for the sake of bashing. So, if you’re just here to hate, you’re in the wrong place.

I’m not a professional writer. I only started writing semi-consistently this year. So, take this rewrite with a massive grain of salt.

To make this whole process easier on me, no world-shattering changes.

Zhen’s still gonna be chosen to be Po’s successor

No Furious Five for most of the movie

No killing or reviving characters that don’t originally die or return.

We good? Good. Now, let’s get this party started!

/////

So, the opening fight doesn’t need to change much, save for one thing. Tigress fights alongside Po. Seeing that she’s the only member of the Furious Five to get any development in these movies and has the most chemistry with Po, it makes sense. The two beat…whoever Po fought in the intro (I think it was a stingray that could fly) and have a short dialog after explaining that Tigress, along with the rest of The Five, have moved on from being warriors and transitioned into being teachers/masters of their respective styles.

SIDE NOTE #1: I know that Po and The Five are already masters, but in my head, master sounds like a better term for “teacher” than sensei.

I like this better than having The Five be “on a mission” or whatever excuse was used to keep them from helping Po in this movie. Also, seeing that the main lesson Po needs to learn by the end is to move on from being a warrior, having The Five, his long-time heroes, retire around him helps get that ball rolling.

Po is honestly excited for Tigress and offers to support her however she needs it, just like he does with the rest of The Five. However, Tigress uses this moment to, not so subtly, ask if Po has any plans on doing the same. Po gives a vague, jokey answer before the two walk off into the title screen.

\\\\\

Back in the Valley of Peace, everybody’s celebrating Po at his dads’ noodle shop, but the celebration is interrupted by Shifu summoning Po to the Jade Place.

SIDE NOTE #2: Let me just take this moment to say that while their scenes in the movie do basically nothing for the plot, Ping and Li deserve a short or web series or something. They were seriously a joy to watch every time they were on screen together. #CoParentingGoals

First major change is why Po needs to become a master:

“As the world moves on, so must we. As to stand still is to be left and lost to time.”

Right now, Po is at the top of his game. He’s mastered Kung Fu, led and kinda trained The Five, found inner peace, beaten General Kai, and mastered Ki. However, there will come a day when Po faces a foe he cannot beat, a foe that can challenge Po in a way that he can’t adapt to, as Tai Lung did to Shifu or Kai to Master Ooguay.

Those who become Masters don’t do so because they’re past their prime; they do so because they know the world in which they thrived is coming to an end, and in the new world that follows, their wisdom becomes more needed than their fists. To lose such wisdom could be detrimental to the next generation of heroes. Of course, Po denies that he has any real wisdom to give (aside from food), only seeing his value as the Dragon Warrior. However, Shifu has never been a patient man.

The next day, Po is just messing around the palace when four warriors (No Mr. Beast Pig) attack him. During the fight, Po mocks his would-be assassins by pointing out all their errors. Shifu then stops the fight, explaining that this was a test to prove that Po is more than ready to be a master and to introduce Shifu’s candidates for the new Dragon Warrior.

Still firmly in denial, Po and Shifu go through the Peach Tree Scene the exact same way. The only difference being that when Po notices Zhen breaking in, he thinks she’s another candidate who was late or something.

A broad change I’d make that I can’t really put in writing is just to put a pinch more focus on the fight scene. KFP4 had the most out of the series at seven, but they all felt like an afterthought.

To make Zhen a bit more unique, she’s more of a “fight your surroundings” kind of fighter. She’s never standing still, never uses the same weapon more than twice, and never really fights head-on. Po can claim that she’s not fighting fair, which she’ll laugh at before he locks in and captures her. This fight being short is expected because Po is a Kung Fu legend and should have no problem taking down a random thief.

SIDE NOTE #3: Totally a personal opinion, but did bother anyone else that they named the fox Zhen? Not that the name was bad or anything, but we already have Lord Shen and those names are waaaay too similar…You know what, here’s another change. Zhen is now Vox.

Fast-forward a bit, and the two are now traveling together. Po explains how the Staff of Wisdom can’t be stolen; it must be given, and Po shows Vox genuine kindness and generosity. Vox thinks it’s some kind of long con but accepts it anyway.

The Friendly Bunny goes about the same as it did with Vox being the loot goblin she is, but I don’t want this to be an actual fight. It’s more like Po trying to keep the situation under control. Keep Vox from stealing, protect Vox, protect the helmsman, protect the bunnies, and keep the entire restaurant from falling over.

Instead of getting knocked out of the restaurant like a fool, Po uses his weight to force the patrons away from the exit, and with a mighty leap, Po exits the Friendly Bunny with Vox, the Helmsman, and the bunnies and lands on the boat like a boss. While sailing to Juniper City, Po talks about his dads, but Vox doesn’t share her backstory. Instead, mentioning how the Bunnies were safer at the restaurant.

Introducing the Chameleon and Entering Juniper City goes about the same except that Po and Vox get caught because Vox keeps casually stealing, which she does undetected, but the police only notice when Po is trying to return the stolen goods.

In the Thieves’ Den, Vox isn’t hated, but the vibe is still the same. Everyone casually messing with/ stealing from/ hurting everyone else. They find Han, who says something to the effect of “never thought I’d be seeing you again,” gives them a map of the chameleon’s temple and the scene goes on as usual from there.

/////

Alright, time for a BIG change: The Chameleon’s Motivation/ Plan/ New Name

Every other villain in the Kung Fu Panda movies has an actual name, and if I had the power, Chameleon would be named Tai Zhi for reasons that are probably obvious now but will be explained later.

Tai Zhi’s new backstory is that she was bullied, and all she could do was hide, just camouflage, no shapeshifting yet. Until one day, she learned about Kung Fu. Tai Zhi would find a master, they’d train her for a little bit, then they’d sense how evil she was and kick her out before she could learn anything actually dangerous. She then found a dark master in hopes their similar moral alignment would convince him to train her. Instead, he was the first master who refused her outright, verbally destroying her before threatening her to leave.

Tai Zhi then turned to sorcery for her claim to power but could never let go of Kung Fu. So, she found a way to open a door to the spirit realm, but there was a catch. Equivalent exchange, she’d kidnap citizens of Juniper City and sacrifice them to the spirit realm and get a D+ spirit at best in return. To get around this, she’d need the Staff of Wisdom, and she could get anyone she wanted, no matter how strong.

SIDE NOTE #4: Tai Zhi isn’t collecting the money from the mob bosses for any particular reason. It’s just a power flex. I assume she needed the gold and stuff for her cages, but they never made that clear in the original move. Plus, why would she buy the metal when she can just steal it.

\\\\\

Vox finds Po practicing Kung Fu, and Po offers to teach her. Vox doesn’t believe him, but Po reassures her he’s being 100% honest. He teaches her some basic stuff, and she picks it up pretty fast, and when she doesn’t, Po incorporates what he’s seen Vox do into his lesson. This all leads to a short spar where Vox almost beats Po but gets cocky and loses to a good ole’ fashion belly gong.

Vox questions why Po does what he does: He offers a thief a cookie, saves those who want to kill him, and teaches a thief his own moves. Po opens up about how Oogway chosing him to be the Dragon Warrior changed his life for the better. He’s made friends across all of China, found his biological dad and his people, and saved China at least three times—all just because of one moment.

Because of that, Po believes everyone deserves the same chance, no matter who they are. Those words visibly touch Vox as she almost reveals her big secret before the two are kicked out of the Thieves Den. Po and Vox sneak into Tai Zhi’s lair, and things go about the same. Now for how Tai Zhi met Vox…

Vox had been a thief well into her adult years, and a really good one, but she was tired of stealing, tired of watching over her back every second, tired of not being able to walk the city streets without seeing her face on a wanted poster. Vox wanted a new start where no one would know who she was. The problem was that most people in Juniper City were pretty poor, even the mob bosses, and Vox didn’t feel comfortable forcing someone else into poverty. So, the choice was simple: steal from Tai Zhi. Even one gemstone from her temple would set her up for life.

At the same time, Tai Zhi needed to steal the Staff of Wisdom from the Dragon Warrior, but due to all the stories she’d heard during her research, she didn’t want to risk taking him head-on. She needed a thief, and it just so happens that she knows about the best thief in the city. Tai Zhi sets up a fancy trap to bait Vox, who sees it, knows it’s a trap, but falls for it anyway. However, Vox manages to escape without a scratch until the artifact she stole is revealed to be Tai Zhi in disguise.

Tai Zhi marks Vox with a tracking spell, and while Tai Zhi could care less about Vox, there’s a pretty big bounty on her head. Not to mention, she’s stolen from some pretty powerful people who don’t really care about the reward. All Vox had to do was bring the Dragon Warrior to Tai Zhi, and she’d not only lift the curse but also let Vox take whatever she needed to disappear.

SIDE NOTE #5: I’d have Vox always scratching her neck because that’s where Tai Zhi marked her. She’d just play it off as if she had a flea problem.

Now, I don’t hate the “Villain raises a child to betray the hero” thing. It just doesn’t hit the same in the movie. We’re not given enough time to feel Vox and Po bond in the original movie. Also, if you’re like me and are unable to not analyze movies while watching them, you noticed almost immediately the aztech-esq earring Vox wore and figured out the twist.

Plus, I feel like having Vox be a reluctant thief just trying to get out of the game makes it a little easier to explain how she can betray the Tai Zhi in the end.

Now, I obviously cut the amazing Ping and Li scenes so how does Po not fall to his Death? The answer is simple: watch the Po vs Tai Lung fight again.

Seriously, go watch it. I’ll wait.

…

Done? Pretty awesome, right?!

Anyway, we can have Po swing from tree branches while fighting the lizard soldiers until he hits solid ground, or we can re-do KFP2 and have him fall into a river or large body of water. Back at the temple, Tai Zhi and Vox go through with the ceremony, and we’re keeping the bit about the blood moon—it’s honestly the funniest joke in the entire movie! Now, for the big reveal I set up a while back.

/////

Tai Zhi summons Tai Lung from the spirit realm and calls him “Master.” Before he was freed in KFP1, Zhi broke into Chorn-Gom Prison to free Tai Lung in exchange for training. Instead, Tai Lung verbally destroys her, insulted that Zhi would ever believe he needed her help. Maybe even have him almost brute force his way through his restraints just to scare her.

After Tai Lung’s death, Zhi took the “Tai” part of his name to never forget how weak and powerless Tai Lung made her feel. She steals Tai Lung’s skills and proceeds to wail on the guy, maybe even paying homage to the end of the Tai Lung vs Shifu fight, before throwing him into a cage.

Tai Zhi then releases Vox from the tracking spell and gives her a choice:

“Stay by my side and witness my rule or help yourself to however much treasure you can hold, find the farthest, darkest corner of the planet, and pray I overlook you.”

Then we cut back to Po at the bottom of the temple for the Po vs Vox scene. The only change I’d make here is just making the fight longer, showing off how much Vox has learned on this journey as well as how outclassed she is compared to Po.

Vox reveals that she is gonna to run away, and wants Po to come with her to help save as many people as they can. Po refuses but is proud of Vox and her mission, saying that if he can’t beat Tai Zhi, he’ll buy as much time as he can for Vox to escape with her people.

While Po goes Assassin’s Creed on the temple guards, Vox returns to the thieves' den and tries to convince the criminals to do the right thing because “it’s the right thing to do.” When that fails, she reminds them that if Tai Zhi is taken down, they can loot all the treasure stored in her temple.

\\\\\

As the army of thieves goes to war with the temple guards, Vox sneaks in after Po. Inside, Po sneaks around as Tai Zhi fights General Kai, noticing other warriors and Lord Shen. He’s then stopped by Tai Lung, who’s disappointed in Po and remarks how Oogway may have been wrong in the end.

Kai loses and is thrown in a cage as Po makes his dramatic entrance. Tai Zhi gives the staff back and does her “you and I aren’t so different” monolog, which Po acknowledges. There’s a possibility he could have ended up like Tai Zhi if he never became the dragon warrior (Throw in one of his villains laughing in disbelief), so he offers Tai Zhi a chance to be better than the villain she is now, to learn from him.

Tai Zhi then proceeds to mock Lord Shen, General Kai, and Tai Lung about how Po stopped all of them from achieving their goals. The mocks Po, claiming that for all the good he did, for all his adventures, no one in Juniper City and beyond has ever heard about him and that once she’s done with him, Po will become what he was always meant to be, nothing.

-OR-

Have Tai Zhi call Po weak because he needed a master to make him the Dragon Warrior. Just to have the line, “Alone I mastered magic, took over the entire criminal empire of Juniper City, defeated all of your greatest enemy and treasured masters, I am my own master!”

Now, something about the original Po vs Tai Zhi fight bothered me. Across three movies, over and over again, there’s always a moment where Po gets to nerd out over Kung Fu legends and flex his knowledge. He even figured out the Wuxi Finger Hold on his own. Yet, he’s going one on one with the ultimate echo fighter of those same warriors and his knowledge does nothing to help him. Let’s fix that.

Here’s how this fight could have gone: Tai Zhi changes into a warrior, Po does his nerd bit while caught off guard, but he then picks up on the fighting style and proceeds to body Tai Zhi in record time. Rinse and repeat that a few times and then Tai Zhi tries to use Po’s old villains which backfires horribly. Eventually, she runs out of warriors and must repeat, and with transformations getting predictable, Po starts winning the fight. Until…

Tai Zhi's frustrated that she has the forms and skills of at least one hundred kung fu legends, but she can’t beat one dorky panda. In that frustration, she loses control of her shapeshifting and mixes two forms together, catching Po off guard. Tai Zhi then starts using chimera forms to gain the advantage, but before she can deal the finishing blow, Vox swoops in and saves Po.

The two hatch a plan to make Tai Zhi so mad that she loses control long enough for Po to use the Staff of Wisdom to return the stolen skills. The plan starts to work as Tai Zhi turns into that chimera dragon form, but before Po can use his staff, Tai Zhi grabs Vox, forcing Po to save her by making Tai Zhi crash.

In the aftermath, Vox finds Tai Zhi transformed into Po, and we could have a short chase before the real Po saves Vox. Po has Vox find and bring him the staff while he fights himself, which does not go well at all. Tai Zhi traps Po in a cage before Vox can get the staff back to him.

Vox is now the only one who can stop Tai Zhi. Vox tries to fight Tai Zhi head-on like Po but fails miserably. However, Vox notices that the entire temple is fit to collapse. So, Vox sticks to the shadows, taking potshots at Tai Zhi, and every time she transforms, whoever she transforms into tells her their weakness/ tell from their cage. This continues until the temple starts to collapse, and as Tai Zhi tries to escape, Vox fights her head-on again to keep her inside (this is where she’d scream, “You fool! You’ll kill us both!”).

As the dust settles, Po stands up from under the rubble and helps Vox up, noting that he could have escaped earlier but she was doing such a good job and didn’t want to interrupt. The other spirit warriors get from under the rubble and thank Po for freeing them. As Po prepares to open a portal to the spirit realm, let’s say Master Wolf tries to sneak attack Po from behind but gets decked by Tai Lung, transforming back into Tai Zhi.

Tai Lung mocks his wannabe successor by saying; “first lesson, know when to quit.” Tai Lung then steps out of the way, and Po returns all of the skills to the spirit warriors. As they return to the spirit realm, Tai Lung acknowledges Po and what he’s become and also recognizes his “pupil,” referring to Vox. Not wanting to be outshined, though, he takes Tai Zhi with him into the spirit world, finally taking her on as his student, whether she likes it or not.

And the story ends basically the same: Vox and Po return to the Valley of Peace, Po offers to train Vox at the Jade Palace to Shifu’s frustration, and credits.

/////

Wait! One more change…

Shifu meditates under the peach tree with Po joining him shortly after that. Po can’t meditate to save his life, so Shifu questions why he’s here. Po admits that Shifu was right, that it’s time for Po to pass the torch, but also thanks Shifu. Po knows it wasn’t easy for Shifu to train someone like him, but he did, and because of Shifu, Po has never been happier with his life.

I don’t know if this will be the last Kung Fu Panda movie, but if it is, I’d like a nice moment between Shifu and Po and maybe ghost Oogway. Just wrap a nice bow on it.

///// The End \\\\\

And that’s it—that’s the rewrite. Wow! That’s a lot of words (3,573, to be exact). Like I said, I’m not a scriptwriter. I’m just a guy with a little too much time on his hands. Kung Fu Panda 4 was, and still is, a solid movie that I’ll definitely watch again, along with the other three, and so should you.

I had a total blast writing this, and I hope you enjoyed reading it.

[spacefinch]

Pokemon Incorrect Quotes: Johto Crew edition

Ethan: Kris! Is that a weed?

Kris: No, this is a crayon—

Ethan: I’m calling the police!

911, what’s your emergency?

Morty: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Falkner: Why are you guys reblogging this in December?

Bugsy: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Whitney: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Falkner: It is February, you ANIMALS

Jasmine: TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN

Bugsy: Would you like something to drink? *opens fridge* We have water, milk, juice, Spinaraks, Dr. Pepper…

Falkner: Spinaraks?

Bugsy: Spinaraks it is, then.

Falkner: Wait, that’s not what I meant—

But they were already pouring him a brimming glass of Spinaraks.

Ethan: Hi, welcome to Applebee's! Would you like Applins or Beedrills?

Falkner: Beedrills?

Bugsy: HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEEDRILLS!

Falkner: Wait, what?

Kris: *filming in selfie mode*

Ethan: (in background) Bop it! Twist it! Pull it!

Ethan, Lyra, Kris, and Silver (gathered around a lettuce): Cabbasu, cabbasu, cab-a-su, LETTASU, LETTASU, LETTASUUUUUU!

Ethan: Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting? I find that hard to believe. Stop feeding me these lies.

Lyra: Well it was really hard to see if it was everyone, you see they were as fast as lightning.

Kris: And to be honest, it was a little bit frightening.

Lance: Tumblr is just talking to yourself but with an audience.

Will: That’s called a soliloquy.

Lance: Found the theater kid. Get em boys.

Karen: Hey OP, how do we know you’re not a theater kid?

Lance: I’M AN ENGLISH LIT MAJOR, YOUR HONOR

Falkner: *pours lemons into cereal bowl*

Falkner: Well, when life gives you lemons…

Silver: If you’re fortunate enough, your internal organs will spend their entire lifespan in absolute darkness.

Ethan: Not if I swallow this glowstick!

Silver: Despicable Me ruined the word minion. Whenever I become a supervillain I’m just going to have to call them my homies or whatever.

Falkner: I swear, the next one of you to say "weird flex, but okay" is going to regret it.

Ethan: …

Kris: … 

Bugsy: …

Morty: Preposterous boast, but alas.

Falkner: *facepalm*

Ethan: Early to bed, early to rise, Burger King burger with Burger King fries

Lyra: Later to rise, later to bed, Burger King burger on Burger King bread

Kris: Eat at morning, eat at night, I participate in a Burger King fight

Silver: I slap my knees, I slap my thighs, tonight is the night that Burger King dies

Bugsy: An Octillery is just a wet Ariados.

Falkner: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Ethan: This is my life now. I have climbed this hill and now I will die on it.

Pryce: Stop being so dramatic. We've only been hiking for ten minutes.

Falkner: The opposite of  "the Donphan in the room" is "the Venipede in the room—" something that’s not actually an issue, but everyone is freaking out about.

Janine: As someone who specializes in training Poison-type Pokemon, I can assure you that a "Venipede in the room" is in fact a very big issue.

Janine: If you have knees, you are valid.

Falkner: Homophobes have knees, too.

Janine: Not for long.

Bugsy: *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* *whacks you with my Animal Crossing net* 

Silver: Sometimes I'm tired of being nice. One day your femur will be mine.

Silver:

WRONG BLOG WRONG BLOG

Silver: GUYS STOP REBLOGGING THIS

Lyra: Tooth fairies are a smaller and friendlier subspecies of the larger and much more hostile bone fairies.

Ethan: Thank you for this bespoke nightmare.

Silver: Bro forget that, how much money do I get for a femur under my pillow?

Whitney: Someone called country music "farm emo" and I can't stop thinking about it.

Silver: What means “I hate you” in dinosaur?

Lance: No. Dinosaur is the language of love.

Ethan: What are you guys going to be for Halloween?

Falkner: Sad

Clair: Gay

Morty: Sexy

Bugsy: Goblin

Bugsy: Professor Elm asked if I prefer “Miss” or “Mister” (because nb) and I accidentally said “ya boi” without thinking, so now I have a professor that calls me “ya boi Bugsy” every time I see him.

Janine: I almost dropped my Pokedex on my soft carpeted floor but thank Arceus I have lightning fast reflexes and was able to slap it into the wall instead.

Clair: The term girlfriend implies the existence of a girlfoe. That is a service I am willing to provide.

Ethan: Hey did you hear that Joe contracted ligma? They had to do a surgery on his updog.

Pryce: Who’s Joe? What’s ligma? What’s updog?

Ethan: *inhales*

Whitney: Non-binary people don’t owe you androgyny.

Falkner (talking about Bugsy): One does owe me money, though.

Morty: Oh sorry, I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich!

Falkner: Go back to sleep AND STARVE.

Ethan: I heard my brother [Red] say he was going to Dairy Queen, so I snuck in his car and he has no idea I’m here.

Ethan: He asked his friend what he wanted and I popped up from the floor and said “I was thinking about a milkshake." I have never heard two teenage boys scream louder.

Silver: I am going to make a bucket list.

Ethan:

-bucket

-bucket

-bucket

-bucket

Silver: You are such a fricking moron, do you know that?

Whitney: She was poetry, he couldn't read

Ethan: his name was jarred, he's nineteen

Lyra: When his parents built a very strange machine

Kris: Watch that scene dig in the dancing queen

Bugsy: Ayyyyy macarena

Falkner: Horrible job, everyone

Ethan: Do not stand near the open fire when you have a tube of cocoa butter in your thigh pocket.

Kris: This is so oddly specific. What happened?

Ethan: I am confident in your ability to figure it out from the clues provided.

Ethan: We can’t mansplain manipulate malewife our way out of this.

Silver: Manslaughter it is, then.

Ethan: NO

Ethan: Rules are made to be broken.

Falkner: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Kris: Uh, piñatas.

Lyra: Glowsticks.

Janine: Karate boards.

Whitney: Eggs.

Bugsy: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Silver: Rules.

Falkner: Carpe diem— seize the day

Morty: Carpe noctem— seize the night

Clair: Carpe natem— seize the ass

Lance: Seriously, if you guys don't stop reblogging this, I am going to carpe someone's neck and break it.

Silver: Carpe collum— seize the neck

Ethan: Guys, it actually happens! I saw a documentary about it!

Falkner: Was it a documentary, or was it that movie about the robots we watched at your sleepover, Ethan?

Ethan: It was a documentary!

Ethan, narrating: It was the movie about the robots.

Jasmine: You don’t have to ‘ship’ things… just a reminder.

Ethan: Yeah, you could deliver them inste94q0ugpwsb nglsjki/rrhxbijbvnldkzOLHLNF>O(PJFVD

Jasmine: Poor thing… walked right into an electrical fence while speaking…

(during a Pokemon battle)

Falkner: No, but seriously, blue is a really fun color.

Janine: But your entire room? I’m not painting my entire room blue!

Falkner: Well, then why did you ask my opinion on paint colors if you’re not going to listen?

Morty: Spirits, if you are here, speak to us.

Falkner: JUST A CITY BOY, BORN AND RAISED—

Bugsy: A theif

Falkner: Thief?

Bugsy: Theif

Falkner: I before e, except after c

Bugsy: Thceif

Falkner: No

Lance: Let me see what you have!

Silver: A knife!

Lance: NO!

[mayamistake]

There’s no way that EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting... YES, we were As a survivor of the 70s, i must inform you that, in fact, at Peak Kung-fu, literally everyone on Earth was Kung Fu fighting, even babies, who came out of the womb able to assume crane stance and kicking doctors through walls if the doctor tried to slap them. The Reign of the Demon Emperor Nixon exerted karmic influence through time, ensuring the rise of martial artists able to take him on and destroy him. The Greatest Generation’s name is really a description of their kung fu skills. The Baby Boomers came out of the womb able to make things explode with their chi. Generation X is so known because our real name was destroyed in the final battles against Demon Emperor Nixon; the reason we are half the size of the other generations is because Demon Emperor Nixon tried to kill off all those born after 1965, as one of us was prophesied to slay him. Entire countries were destroyed at the height of the fighting; Lemuria cracked in half and sank. Ninety-five percent of the Netherlands was destroyed in an infamous battle between Stone Cold Jane Austen and Charles Dikkens (the famous Dutch author) which flooded most of it; what we call the Netherlands now was only a tiny chunk of the original. National boundaries changed, cities burned, and we lost the second moon; no one remembers it now. At its height, punches were destroying entire cities, kicks destroying entire concepts. The US used to have 75 states and 25 of them are gone. No one knows for sure who threw the final punch, only that the Beatles stumbled out of the flaming wreckage of the Demon Palace covered in purple blood and then in the morning, everything had changed; kung fu itself had lost its power and the world faded, becoming mundane. But maybe that’s for the best. The world was nearly destroyed by Kung Fu; humanity could not handle its power. Even now, I can only remember the truth when that song plays and reminds me of a time of glory and wrath which can never come again.

[rockintapper]

Rockin tapper

did you know that everybody was kung fu fighting

wow.................. ididnt knwo...tbhank you Octo Woman 2419

[rockerscentral]

jamie!

did you know that everybody was kung fu fighting?

//I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THIS SITTING IN THE INBOX SO IM LEAVING THIS

[lonelynpc]

20 Songs Other Than Stayin' Alive I've Heard People Sing/Play During CPR to Measure Compressions

(cpr should be 100-120 compressions/minute)

dancing queen by abba: 101 bpm.

everybody (backstreet's back) by the backstreet boys: 108 bpm.

head like a hole by nine inch nails: 115 bpm.

good lookin' by dixon dallas: 107 bpm.

thriller by michael jackson: 118 bpm.

the call by the backstreet boys: 104 bpm.

mayonaka no door / stay with me by miki matsubara: 108 bpm.

unwritten by natasha bedingfield: 100 bpm.

never gonna give you up by rick astley: 113 bpm.

9 to 5 by dolly parton: 105 bpm.

kung fu fighting by carl douglas: 102 bpm.

i'll make a man out of you from the mulan soundtrack: 114 bpm.

fruit salad by the wiggles: 120 bpm (original).

ring of fire by johnny cash: 104 bpm.

bezos i by bo burnham: 115 bpm.

bezos ii by bo burnham: 100 bpm.

hey sexy lady by shaggy: 102 bpm.

the choice is yours (revisited) by black sheep: 101 bpm.

girls & boys by blur: 120 bpm.

getcha head in the game by drew seeley (troy bolton): 113 bpm.

might add more because there's so many but i feel like this is a nice mix. maybe i'll make a cpr playlist idk.

below the cut is a little guide to first aid.

always remember: DRS ABCD

Danger: is there danger, this can include vehicles, gas, power lines or cords, etc, to yourself bystanders and/or the patient? yes: do not put yourself or others in danger. call for help. no: continue. Response*: is the patient responsive? do they respond to you when you speak loudly and clearly? squeezing their shoulders? yes: ask them if you can help them**, check for injuries, continue to assess response and breathing. call for help if needed and if given permission. no: continue. Send for help: get somebody to call an ambulance or call them yourself, send somebody for a defibrillator if possible, or shout for help. be loud. "i need help over here!" "does anyone know first aid?" how to avoid the bystander effect: address people directly. "you in the red shirt, call an ambulance." "hey, person in the green jumper, find and grab the nearest defib." Airway: open the mouth, check for obstructions such as vomit, water, food, etc. is there an obstruction? yes: roll them onto their side and let it drain or fall from their mouth, or gently sweep it from their mouth with your fingers, if possible. check to make sure it is clear before continuing. no: continue. Breathing: tilt the head back. place your ear above the mouth and nose to listen for breath sounds and feel the breath on the side of your face, face the chest and place your hand on their chest to see and feel if it is rising and falling. is your patient breathing normally? yes: place them in the recovery position, continue to monitor response, breathing and check for injuries. if they stop breathing normally, start CPR. no: continue. CPR: chest compressions:rescue breaths, 30:2 at 100-120 bpm. 5-6cm (2-2.5 inches) depth. if possible, ask people to take over for you when you are tired. 2 minute "shifts" are recommended to prevent fatigue and maintain effectiveness. check for breathing with each rescue breath. in the event of drowning, give five initial rescue breaths before beginning chest compressions. if you notice obvious signs of life such as breathing, moving, coughing, talking, stop cpr and place the patient in recovery position. continue to monitor breathing and assess for response and injuries. Defibrillate: if somebody is with you, get them to remove clothing on the chest and place the pads as per instructions while you continue compressions (maintain patient dignity, limit the people around, etc), or do it yourself if it is only you. follow defib instructions, continue cpr as instructed. do not touch the casualty when the defib is delivering the shock, clearly announce to anyone with you, "do not touch the patient. everyone stand back. all clear?" and wait for everyone to confirm before delivering the shock, announce that you are delivering the shock, "delivering shock now." have somebody record the time the shock was delivered each time, if possible, this will help paramedics and medical staff later. i wave my hands over the chest without touching them then hold my hands up so they are visible. if you notice obvious signs of life such as breathing, moving, coughing, talking, stop cpr and place the patient in recovery position with defib pads still in place in case you need to use it again. continue to monitor breathing and assess for response and injuries. always loudly and clearly state what you are doing. "starting chest compressions," "checking for breathing," "i'm just rolling you onto your side," etc. continue cpr until: you are too tired to continue, you notice obvious signs of life, aed prompts you to remove your hands, somebody else can take over, an ambulance arrives, or the scene becomes unsafe.

*remember COWS! this is, "Can you hear me?", "Open your eyes for me," "What is your name?" and "Squeeze my hands." make sure you hold both hands when asking them to squeeze your hands in case they have had a stroke.

**if a responsive casualty does not give consent, do not do it, don't call an ambulance for a responsive casualty unless they consent either. i know you want to help and there's a lot of adrenaline involved but if they don't want your help, respect that. if they become unresponsive or unconscious, run through DRS ABCD again.

i definitely recommend getting your first aid certificate if you're able. it could save a life.