#every time i think maybe it wont be terrible i think about how its aesthetically as ugly as wet cement | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

axemetaphor · 3 years ago

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im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

#jdate #john dies at the end #aus #erh. tthe hell do i tag this as #rambles.txt #long post #well let me know if youd wanna hear more or. or something #send an ask. or whatever #yaknow #:jazz hands:

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duckyaltalt · 5 years ago

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「herman tommeraas & cis male」⇾ mercer, ducky, the junior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 21 years old. he is studying business, living in gorham and can be tenderhearted, nimble, compliant & taciturn. when i see him i am reminded of fear hidden behind a stoic stare, bleeding from your nose and from your gums, and the night sky with all its stars, with all its mystery and unknown . ⇽「james & 21 & est & they/them.」

hi :D this is the last of my OG characters ... the next two will b sexy n new bt they wont arrive fr a while bc i <3 need 2 hv a steady pace <3 anyways hes. rly sad so. good luck charlie <3 okay bye :D

TW CHILD ABUSE / DOMESTIC ABUSE / ABUSE, VIOLENCE, INJURY, TRAUMA, MENTAL ILLNESS, DRUGS / DRUG ABUSE / ADDICTION , GANGS.

aesthetic.

bruises; from beneath your eyes to the edge of your jaw, aligned against your stomach and the sides of your waist and the groves of your knuckles. bleeding noses and bleeding gums, spat out teeth, tattoos scarred from improper treatment, a facial scar; jagged and old, now, from above your eye to beneath your lip. worn hoodies and scuffed sneakers, sunglasses inside. the night sky, and it’s many stars, and how brightly they shone during the 2019 blackout, and wanting to be up there, with them. knowing constellations by heart. wishing to be the face on the moon. beer bottles and secret exchanges. dark alleys. fear, through the very core of your heart. fear, hidden behind a stoic stare.

basic info.

full name: donovan mercer

nickname(s): ducky but i’m 95% sure he hates the nickname it’s just. Stuck with him.

b.o.d. - march 15th, pisces :)

label(s): the allegiant, the despondent, the grifter, the malleable, the vacant, etc.

height: 5′11″

hometown: hell’s kitchen, new york

sexuality: bisexual bt make it closeted.

stats

inspired by: lip gallagher (shameless), freddie mcclair (skins), frankenstein’s monster (frankenstein), fez (euphoria) … that’s it i don’t know any other characters KJNSGLDNVLSDJNFDS

biography.

born in hell’s kitchen to vinny mercer and a mother who ran out of the hospital as fast as she could, as soon as she was able. she’d gone so quick that she’d never given ducky a middle name - just donovan. the younger brother of mercy (shoutout 2 bri)

his father’s the right-hand man of a well known mob boss named lars amaretto, and so, you can imagine the kind of environment ducky (& mercy) grew up in. weapon & drug dealings, interrogations, violence around every corner. a brutal way of living, no place to raise two children.

you can correctly assume that they grew up in a heavily abusive environment, and can imagine the sort of things the two have gone through. ducky was, maybe, the least favorite of their father’s -

- for numerous reasons, and one being that ducky’d always been a sensitive kid. kinder than his brother, and far kinder than his father - kindness is weakness, and ducky was filled with it. too much so, with big brown eyes and a smile that should’ve been able to melt ice. should’ve - but didn’t. and never did, either.

he cried often, and was punished often for it until he learned to stop crying - at least in front of their father, and mercy too, at some point. only in the comfort of his room, with doors locked and blinds drawn closed.

he dreamed, too, dreamt often. he’d been obsessed with outer space since childhood, as long as he could remember. school had once shown man landing on the moon, and ducky wanted that. wanted to be that, wanted to be there, up with the stars, discovering the unthinkable.

but it was discouraged, heavily so - projects destroyed by an angry fist only to be reconstructed to the best of ducky’s ability, with mercy’s help, all throughout the night. he’d saved up for a telescope when he was thirteen, but it’d been destroyed almost immediately when discovered. not a day went by that their father didn’t tell ducky that he was, first and foremost, stupid - and would always be.

to the point where he stopped trying, simply. his grades fluctuated frequently, and it’s a surprise that he hadn’t dropped out of high school altogether.

anyways … at the age of fifteen, he’d have enough. he was sick of the abuse, the pain - the crying behind closed doors, the sneaking around, the constant feeling of needing to escape, impending doom, anxiety attacks in the shower and in school bathrooms and at the back of the bus where nobody sat besides him because he was - that boy, the son of that man, the brother of that brute. he’d been a teenager and he’d already been an outcast by all means - an outcast in his family, no matter how hard he tried to appease vinny, and an outsider everywhere else.

the plan took months of preparation, paper ripped out from the back of his school notebook and stuffed beneath his mattress, details of his escape from a checklist of essential items to makeshift maps of bus routes to different cities.

all for nothing, the moment vinny discovered it, the edge of a map sticking out after a rushed morning.

it’d been the same day he’d gotten the nickname - ducky - the way the wound wrapped below his mouth, and the way it’d begun to heal - puckered, at first, like a duck’s bill. a better name than eyepatch, at the very least. the scar’d run from the arch of his left brow, across his eye, down his cheek, and below his lip, the entire left side of his face a bloody mess afterwards. his eye sustained injury, and not allowed to see a doctor about it, it never healed properly. corneal scarring, impairing his left eye. astronaut dreams destroyed, but not in a matter of seconds. in the matter of an hour, maybe more - and that’d been much, much worse.

he stopped trying to run away after that. tried to be more like their father, more like mercy - more brutish, less feeling. spoke less, and less. spoke hardly at all, unless spoken to first.

still didn’t matter. still lived his days in fear, still knew it’d never change. nothing would ever change.

graduated high school and had been on-and-off attending community college since then. he’d miss days at a time, flunk an entire semester’s worth of classes - gpa dropped further and further. wanted to try, but life got in the way. always got in the way.

hadn’t intended on transferring to radcliffe, but their father’d been missing for a few months then, leaving ducky to handle the drugs side of their business in hell’s kitchen - and mercy’d disappeared, too, leaving their branch in lovell completely open. in a split decision - an opportunity, and opening - something he couldn’t miss, or he’d maybe never get the opportunity again, ducky bullshitted a scholarship essay (plagiarism, tsk) and transferred to pick up where mercy’d left.

this wasn’t very well thought out, because that meant there were no mercers in new york - and lars amaretto? not a very understanding man. more of a brute than their father was, by far. to keep a story short - ducky is missing a tooth (molar, luckily, this time) and is … more rough’d up than he’d like to be, for sure. but mercy’s back, now, and he’s still at lovell, at radcliffe.

and that’s enough.

UPDATE: heehaw. mercy is gone & ducky’s still here. feeling a bit lost - dealt with a lot of shit this summer, new wounds and old wounds and just. a lot. started an underground fight club on campus for some extra cash, reasons unknown. being blackmailed by someone named rocky - someone who knows ducky is skimming cash. god. i don’t know ... danger danger danger danger. nightmare-ville. wrapped up in more walls than ever.

personality.

he’s actually very? intimidating? when you first meet him. mercy’s younger brother, with a criminal’s record almost as long as his - a scarred face and a mean resting face. it takes at least five minutes of conversation beyond small talk before it starts to weigh on your mind that maybe, he’s not as bad as he seems.

and - well, he isn’t. but he’s guarded - so guarded. more-so than mercy, because mercy’s quicker to anger, quicker to react, and ducky tries so hard to drown out the noise. but he’s not a robot, and his facial expressions can give him away in a second.

he’s seen what happened when mercy had a glimpse of something good in his life (though, it wasn’t actually good at all - mercy had someone, at least. at the very least) - and how quickly it’d all fallen, and so ducky puts a barrier between him and others. distant, as much as he can be.

it hurts, because ducky isn’t by any means antisocial. he doesn’t hate people - he wants to be normal, wants to have friends and a girlfriend - or maybe even a boyfriend, god - but he’s so afraid. ducky is, by nature, a very scared person. terrified to his very core. he knows there is always eyes on him, and mercy too, and he knows that nothing is worth getting someone else hurt.

you know him as mercy’s little brother, and he’s quiet you know that - but his name is ducky, and you think - he’s not too bad. and he knows this, knows the doubts. knows that it’ll get back to mercy, eventually, that his brother is nothing more but a pussy. so he fights more than he’d like to, against the guilt that buries itself deep within his chest with every thrown fist. he throws up, afterwards, in the garbage can outside. too much to drink, he says, rare grin - because grins are convincing, and grins with bleeding gums are intimidating. he learned that from his brother.

violence makes him sick to his very stomach. he can’t watch horror films, or even action films, without feeling queasy. there’s been more times than he can count where he’d thrown up after a fight, or after an interrogation, usually in private but in the occasional presence of mercy.

they fight, a lot, sometimes - ducky’s too soft, too weak, and it’s bad and it’s terrible and ducky knows that mercy’s afraid. for him, of their father, and his wraith. ducky knows that if mercy isn’t hard on him now, their father will be harder - and his hits will be, too. still. there’s resentment, small but there, like the flame of a match. he doesn’t know what’ll happen when there’s nothing more to burn, but he doesn’t want to find out. he’s afraid to find out.

he’s still in love with the moon and the stars, and the planet’s - and their moons, too. its subdued, now, though. a silent passion - one that is often not watered, left for rot. he sneaks into engineering lectures, occasionally, or physics - or anything that isn’t business, because he hates his major, but he knows it’s the only chance he’s got to stay at radcliffe. and that’s to follow his brother, to follow his father. a business degree treats you well, teaches you skills you’ll need to know for this type of work.

commits small acts of kindness when nobody looks. doors held open, the meals of elderly folk eating alone suddenly paid. picks up litter besides trash bins, and always cooks extra than what he needs, only to leave it in the gorham community fridge with no name, something for somebody who may need it. it’s these small things that make him feel, just the slightest, better about himself.

because god - there are layers and layers of self-loathing, the result of years of abuse. it’s a labyrinth, and he’d never speak of it - but he can’t stand his own reflection. doesn’t keep photos of his family, only a few sparingly of mercy. his room is messy, but still oddly barren. nothing on the walls except for a poster or two, sheets a standard navy blue and a row of empty liquor bottles on his windowsill.

a liar, sad to say. has little experience with. ehem. intimacy, and the bodies of others, but lies often and says that he does. mostly to his brother, but word travels quick - and he’s not nearly as much as a fuckboy as is rumored, having only been with a handful of girls, if even that. it’s better this way - if people know that he throws others away like they’re nothing. sex is uncomfortable for him, he always feels gross afterwards. wrong, sometimes.

he ghosts often, too, if he does get to talking with anybody. the moment ducky feels a spark, something pulling at his poor heart, he ghosts. he develops feelings too easily, too often than he’d like. has left many friendships without explanation, because of this. you know the priest in fleabag season 2? the scene where he comes to fleabag’s house? yeah. tht’s ducky!

has maybe half the amount of clients that mercy does, but he’s working on it. it’s his first semester at radcliffe.

pretends he doesn’t care as much as he does. pretends a lot, like there’s nothing soft to him. but a trained eye can see clearly through this. even so - even if you can see that there’s more to ducky than violence and drug deals - you’d still have to break through a dozen walls.

in the rare occasion you get him talking - i mean, talking a lot - he’ll talk about space. ramble off a dozen useless facts about dwarf stars and black holes and all of jupiter’s moons. about a video game he likes, about nothing and everything at all. but as soon as he begins, he stops - embarrassed. apologizes, shuts his mouth, disappears to wherever. anywhere but there.

uuuhhh. god. okay so ducky’s got an addiction to xanax. it’s numbing and it’s better than feeling, and he’d rather this than that and it’s. a Thing. we won’t go further into it. besides that - he does smoke weed, does try out some of their products to make sure it’s not … fucked, for their clients, but otherwise fucking hates drugs. social drinker, but still doesn’t like it a lot. hates beer but drinks it often.

overall just … he’s a soft boy, with a big heart - bigger than anybody else in his family, that’s for sure, but his exterior is far different than that, and it’s hard to tell.

purposely loses fights so that he doesn’t have to severely hurt someone. because sometimes he just - he was raised in a violent environment, and sometimes he snaps. sometimes ducky just fucking snaps. and his vision goes red, and he can’t control himself - because need to survive kicks in, and violence is all he knows. if someone pushes ducky - pushes him enough, he breaks. he fights back. it’s all he knows. it’s all he knows. it’s all he knows, and that’s not an excuse - and he knows this, and god, he’s so tired. he is so. tired.

wanted connections.

clients… first n foremost. he needs people to deal to. i don’t think he handles the Hard Shit like mercy does, but like coke and mdma? works for him.

f…riend..s?… like it’s so hard for ducky to be sincere with people but if you don’t mind like … an emotionally distant man who doesn’t even hit 6′ then maybe? he’s your guy? maybe you can break him down a little? chip away at his cold shoulder?

a close…r friend… maybe not like. the best of friends. but at least one normal friend whose world does not revolve around fucking drugs and violence would be nice for ducky. someone he can be a little soft with, as a treat.

hook-ups… not many, because ducky doesn’t really enjoy sex too much but y’know. that’s just how it is. he do be having needs, tho. KDSJGSHDKLFSE god.

fisticuffs!… someone he got into a fistfight with. multiple people he’s gotten into fights with. he’s probably lost them (on purpose) but - mayhaps, some of them, he did not?

gorham roommate… god… i don’t know what these two cld get up to but! maybe give him a sexuality panic but who knows.

unrequited feelings… there’s probably a few of these. whether people are drawn to his fucking ~mysterious~ demeanor (he just has fucking anxiety, man) or mayhaps. mayhaps he has the feelings.

flirtations… he’s never been in a relationship so i can’t really include exes, but he can flirt with people i’d like to think … when he’s drunk. :-)

ghostees… everybody he’s ever fucking ghosted because he’s stupid and is afraid of both friendship and relationships and romance and platonic? feelings of warmth? so sometimes he panics and ghosts people forever. :) spite!

new yorkians… who are familiar with his family or the business they have there

enemies… god. i’m sure he has a lot of these even without attempting to make them. just like, by association, you know? sometimes ducky hates people because mercy does. sometimes he hates people because mercy likes them. JKSDGDSJGFSNLKF

i won’t lie i’m very tired and am having a Troubled Time coming up with connections please. bare with me.

annoyances… i don’t know if ducky can get annoyed very easily but? thorns in his side? something lighthearted? alternately, something Not lighthearted and then ducky :/ goes rogue JKDNGDSNLFK

idk something soft… literally anything soft. please :) give me something soft and cute :) and peaceful and not stressful :)

something ANGSTY and AWFUL… literally. i don’t know. duality of man.

ok i have been awake fr too long i’m going to bed goodnight.

#ruhqintro #child abuse tw #domestic violence tw #abuse tw #violence tw #injury tw #drugs tw #trauma tw #addiction tw #drug abuse tw #gangs tw

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eat0crow · 5 years ago

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Party Planning

This fic was Beta read by the lovely @ethelphantom . Go check out her work, she writes so well!

"Having a party?"

Bart blinks, trying his hardest to stop picking the already cracked skin around his nail. It's not like he can help it, he hates having to go to a register. Cashiers make him nervous, Bart just knows they take one look at his cart and judge every single one of his life choices. Especially during his weekly garbage binge.

Of all days for the self-checkouts to be stuck in card only mode.

"Oh," Bart says, looking up at the cashier for the first time since he got in line and—

Bart blinks again, and again, and maybe, just maybe, a third time for good measure. Who gave Walmart permission to hire models? Satan, Bart decides, looking the other boy up and down in what he hopes is a subtle gesture. He's painfully pretty, and it was definitely Satan.

Mr. Cashier is looking at him with unconcealed apathy. Bart's hands are itching to ruffle his messy hair. He doubts Mr-Pretty-Cashier will appreciate it though, so Bart focuses on tapping his foot instead of the baby, blue eyes that are…oh no—

Glaring at him.

"Yes!" Bart says, slightly panicked because what did he just agree to? Can he ask again? How do you phrase 'Sorry, I didn't catch that, I was too busy getting lost in your eyes, any chance you would repeat it? Slowly? You know, in a way my last two brain cells can process,' delicately? "Yup. You caught me. How'd you know?"

Mr. Cashier—Tim! His name tag says Tim— gestures to the conveyor belt like it should be obvious. "Wild guess."

"That obvious, huh?" Bart doesn't think it's obvious, but, then again, he misses a lot of social cues, this is probably just one of them. Before he can stop himself, or even register what he's offering, Bart's mouth is moving, and words are coming out. "You should stop by after your shift. It'll be totally awesome."

Tim's quiet for a moment, a puzzled look that's plain adorable settling over his face for a solid minute as he drags a box of Bart's favorite Pop-Tarts over the scanner. He'll have to remember to hide those, he shares the frosted strawberry ones with no man. Oh, and the creamsicle Twizzlers, those are prime real estate.

"Yeah, sure," Tim says, eyes lingering on the caramel kisses. Bart would usually horde those too, but Tim's pretty enough for him to make an exception. If he's honest, and generally Bart does try to be, Tim's pretty enough to get all the kisses. Even the non-confectionery ones. "I can come over. I get off at ten. What time are you guys starting?"

Ten is one hour, twenty-seven minutes, and God knows how many seconds away, there is no way, not in heaven, or hell, or even West Texas he can round up all his friends, explain his very big mistake, and get everything swinging in that amount of time. "Midnight?"

Midnight, midnight sounded better didn't it? Cooler than admitting to being nineteen and living in a college town with no plans on a Friday night for oh, the ever-expansive, foreseeable future.

"Midnight?" Tim lifts an eyebrow like he doesn't believe for a second that Bart's the type to stay out past the bus turn over, which, fair. Night buses are terrible, and second shift is the absolute last shift anyone should ever use public transportation on.

"Yup." There's no going back now, Bart's dug his own grave and this is his favorite Walmart, or, at least the closest one. He's not going to drive an extra twenty minutes just to escape his shame. No this is much simpler. "It's going to be a rave, so bring your best Kandi."

If possible, Tim's eyebrow goes even higher as he gives Bart a thorough once over, not bothering to pretend to be subtle about it. His expression settles into something that resembles incredulity. Bart understands, he does!

His Nasa pajamas and Gotham University hoodie do little to capture the aesthetic of a true raver. Mostly because he has, in fact, never attended a rave, let alone hosted one. Bart likes raves though, they're fast enough, chaotic enough, to match the pace his brain usually works at.

Bart also likes Kandi. Kandi is cute and making it has just enough sensory stimulation to keep him invested. He's made a lot of Kandi over the years, he's kept it, too. Which will be a blessing when he extorts his friends into coming over and dressing up in the name of getting him a date.

There are so many worse causes than the Single-Twink-Bart-Allen foundation. So many.

Tim rings up his total, then looks over his shoulder, and very deliberately stands in front of the camera, effectively blocking the view of the register with his back. He brings a finger to his lips, the side of his mouth quirking up ever so slightly as he swipes a green card through the reader.

"Wow." The total goes down by thirteen dollars fifty-six cents, and if Tim's looks hadn't already sold Bart, his magical discount card would have. "Wait," Bart says, remembering himself. "Won't you get in trouble for doing that?"

Tim shrugs. "Consider it my contribution to the party you're letting me crash."

"Pretty sure you can't crash a party you're invited to," Bart says, loading his groceries into his cart. He's just about to leave, the lady behind him has sighed no less than three times in the last minute, yes he's counted, and there's a line forming behind her, but, well—"You mind giving me your number? So I can text you the address—my address—for the party."

"I was wondering how you expected me to get there," Tim laughs. It's an unfairly attractive laugh, Bart's poor gay heart really can't take it. "Fortunately." And this time, when Tim reaches out, handing a folded receipt over to Bart, there's a smirk on his lips. "I already wrote my number down. Text me."

"Yeah," Bart says, dumbly, because Tim's smirk firmly killed one of his last two brain cells, and the sole survivor is trying and failing to revive its friend. "Yeah, I'll text you! Come by whenever."

Bart makes it exactly five feet out into the parking lot before he realizes that he never told the pretty cashier his name.

---

He's proud that he makes it a whole two minutes thirty-two seconds before calling Conner.

This might not seem impressive, but he managed to check his mirrors and buckle his seat belt before freaking out. Safety first, crisis later.

Conner picks up on the third ring.

"Conner? Conner! Listen, I know this is crazy, but you know I am a very, very weak gay, and this is nowhere near the most desperate thing I've done in the name of my non-existent love life. I met this cute cashier today, and he's coming over a later, so I need you to call as many of our friends as possible and get them to come over, we're throwing a rave and not above blackmail."

-----

Also! As it stands now this is a completed one shot that will not be added to, like wise, I wont be doing a tag list for this.

#crow writes #hummingbird #Tim Drake/Bart Allen #young justice #yj #impulse #robin #Tim Drake #bart allen #one shot

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mountain-of-divine-fire · 6 years ago

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Crystal spirits, and how i work with them

Disclaimer. this is all my personal experience and beliefs. though this post is educational, take from it only what you believe. my word isnt the authority and neither is any other blog post.

In my experience with crystals throughout the years, ive learned many things about them. i hope this post will help yall out there, who are maybe beginners, or just curious on how some things work, or how others like to do things.

This post does not list crystal correspondences.

This will be a bit rambly, but i hope you get what i mean~

Obtaining your friends

Couple of options for this, i would suggest going rock hounding in a local area. Bring your companions, water, and your tools.

Maybe youre in a place with slim pickings,like me. you can just buy some online or in person

Crystal shopping online seems more convenient since you can look everywhere for whatever you want, and get to compare prices.But physical crystal shops are great because you can tell by feel who wants to come home with you.

honestly, i believe nothing happens to a crystal that it doesnt want to happen. and if it does, it will end up fixing it itself. If you get a crystal that doesnt feel right, you will know who to give it to.

Im in the crystal shop. Now what? Well, just take a look around! see what catches your eye.I like to have a very loose suggestion of a shopping list, but it usually gets thrown out the window. If you feel like you need to touch something, do it. (unless the shop says no touchy ofc). Some things will practically jump out at you and scream “TAKE ME WITH YOU”. If you dont find something that really yells at you, and you still want to bring something home, just find something pretty.

How crystal spirits work

This is mostly based on what ive experienced. this doesnt come from any specific belief , but it does align with how some people practice animism.

(much like in steven universe,if i had to give an example,) Crystals pop out of the ground, knowing who they are and what they do.They may grow and change with their experiences, but mostly, they know what theyre about. They are given energy and life by the earth, and they do their job.

Each crystal group, species, and individual type seem to have overarching personality traits and a group spirit. i think some folk call these “crystal devas” but im not entirely sure where that comes from and what that entails. also each vein, and individual piece, has their own spirit and personality, say, beryl and quartz are completely different. An amethyst and a rose quartz are both quartz, and therefore have a similar type of personality, but are different. Each amethyst also has its specific differences. A chevron would be different from a grape jelly. Two individuals broken off from the same cluster would be different but similar, and so would each half of a broken slab.

sometimes individuals have names, and sometimes they can be named by you. some like to work with each other, and some prefer to work alone.

Each crystal has correspondences , but sometimes those general guidelines can be deviated from, simple because the individual just doesnt do that kind of thing.

My crystal broke! what happens then? Well, now you have two friends to work with. Some folk like to keep one half and give the other to a friend, some keep both halves and glue them back together with super glue (i do this with show pieces), and some folk like to bury them and return them back to the earth. You dont have to get rid of your broken pieces if you dont feel like its time. The crystal will let you know

How crystal spirits communicate

Most of the time, unless youre just really closed off, you will just feel it. They usually speak in feelings. if one wants to come with you for the day, you will know. If one wants anything , youre gonna know it. Dont second guess yourself, and just do it on impulse, pretty much.

These spirits are from nature, and are usually not relatable to humans (theres exceptions to this, like lab made crystals, and carved skulls, more on that later.). they can and will communicate in ways youre not familiar to, if you dont do spirit work.If a crystal tells you its name, like its TRUE name, you might not even be able to comprehend the words its throwing at you. dont try to decipher it, just let it be. also , try to keep true names secret unless they tell you otherwise.

If you cant really feel what they try to communicate, you could also meditate. If they want to say anything at least. just get cozy and meditate as you usually would, once you get good and calm just hold a rock and sit with it for a bit. Usually this type of communication is more in detail, maybe fully formed thoughts and sentences, maybe images. Once i even got one that liked to speak through song lyrics!

If you cant do these, use a pendulum! Ask the pendulum where its yes is, and where its no is. (for me usually, non human or complex spirits like to go left and right for yes, and forward and back for no. for animal spirits and servitors, ive found usually they nod yes and shake no. not sure how plants respond just yet.)

Ask it some troubleshooting questions first like “are you an amethyst, are my eyes blue, do i live at XYZ” ect...

A problem with pendulums is, if you try and use a crystal pendulum when working with any other spirit, the crystal itself may respond. Always ask if youre talking to the right entity.

What might a crystal communicate to me? It could be something as simple as “my name is ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ “ or “you like to smoke cleanse usually, but i would specifically like sunlight ”, or it could be advice about a situation that you need help with.

Can these spirits be malevolent? personally, no. i dont think so. though it can be a grey area. most nature spirits want nothing but the greater good for themselves, nature, and maybe even you, if youre a good person in its eyes.

there are instances where a crystal could be “angry”, maybe because the way it was obtained, or that it holds some kind of curse/hex/negative energy (maybe just even being around something awful that happened). Usually cleansing a stone will help with this. And if it doesnt? Try and see if you can do anything for it.

Be careful about crystal runes, as you can piss them off. ive made a few mistakes in my time working with them(and by a few i mean a LOT, its not fun), in general just dont be a dick, and dont ask for things youre not ready to know the answer to. always thank them for cooperating, and cleanse them after use.

What are the effects of this? for me, it was like a terrible panic attack, i was suffocating, my heart was going nuts, it was so hot, and i was so dry mouthed. i have never had panic attacks that bad. Tried to use some quartz crystals to ground myself, since i knew it was an attack, and they broke in half in the middle. This is completely my fault. I got scared and locked my runes away because it told me something i wasnt ready for, the next time i busted them out (and i hadnt thanked or cleansed them since,) is when they decided to teach me that lesson.. i was new at magic and stupid. and im glad my first big mistake was with something this forgiving. You probably wont ever have to deal with something like this if youre generally respectful. please learn from my mistakes.

As with any divination and spirit work, you need to take protective measures. when youre speaking to a crystal spirit, you may actually be talking with something else. and it could be negative. use your best judgement please.

Whats up with cleansing/charging/ect..?

a lot of folk like to fight over whether or not you need to charge, cleanse, and bless or whatever else you need to do to crystals. Personally,i do like to cleanse crystals after heavy use, spellwork, or when i first get them from a shop. just to get rid of residual negativity.

Crystals can hold information, but as far as charging them, im not so convinced. crystals arent a sigil, or something you made yourself. it has its own energy from the earth and its spirit, and will work perfectly fine without any of that. Only do what you feel is necessary

If its fine without charging, then why cleanse? other than getting rid of stored negative energy, its just a nice thing to do every once and a while. It sort of works like an offering. showing that you respect the entity and want to work together in a mutual relationship. if you keep up your end as a guardian, then it will help you.

How do i use crystals in spellwork and every day life?

well heres some ideas!

carry some around in your pockets/bag/bra/whatever according to whoever wants to come with you , and crystal associations

Gridwork. make a crystal grid

In spell jars/bottles/satchets

As a decoration in your house to give the space a certain mood, feeling, or help.

In meditation, to give advice perhaps, but also to help you according to its correspondences

In divination, as help.

As vessels for spells, enchantments, servitors, and whatever else (always ask it first!!! im using a large quartz as an astral tether, and a smaller one to house a servitor)

As a friend. ever heard of pet rocks? well this is just an aesthetic step up from that.

in your plant pots, to help them grow and thrive (be careful about water solubility)

Pain relief and healing (only do this in congruence with actual medical care! keep around a fluorite for sinus issues, but definitely take your cold medicine)

Important notes~

As with any spirit, treat your crystals with respect. especially since theyre gifts from the earth. Dont act like you own a crystal. Like a piece of the earth, we really dont own land either. You arent its master and it doesnt have to do what you say. when you buy a crystal, youre pretty much signing up to be its guardian, and adding it to your team. be good to the earth, and to your friends, and a crystal will be good to you.

if you have suggestions on other ways to work with crystals, comment! I hope this post was informational and not a complete rambling mess. have fun working with your rocks, yall~. Post about crystal skulls coming soon.

Admin Fifa~

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kdtheghostwriter · 6 years ago

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SNK 115 - “OMW”

I mean...

Let’s be real. As far as Deus Ex goes, I’ve seen more preposterous this week.

If any of you are wondering why this post took so long, it isn’t for lack of time I assure you. This chapter was…a lot. And god damn, Isayama, I wasn’t expecting to dig up my Junior Year debate notes for this one blog post but here we are lads. Quick recap before we get into writers’ mumbo-jumbo.

Flashback

Deus EX

#HeelFloch

Sad Hange

RESURRECTION

We all know Isa loves his religious imagery. He isn’t quite as egregious as Zack Snyder (who is, tbh?) but it’s definitely a thing. He also loves mythology of all types. And while Norse mythology seems to be his area of expertise, it isn’t mine - which is why seeing Stupid Sexy Zeke emerge from his Titan Incubator made me think of another Stupid Sexy God from the Ancient Greek Canon.

I speak of the Goddess Aphrodite, who has dominion over love, beauty and its various trappings. Admittedly, this comparison is drawn in relation to aesthetics only. Zeke’s aloof temperament doesn’t really mirror that of the Greek goddess. Even though Aphrodite did technically help start the Trojan War but that’s neither here nor there.

Zeke’s appearance from the steam of the felled Titan is nearly identical to the foam that appeared during Aphrodite’s spontaneous conception in the Ionian Sea. For the sake of transparency, I must point out that long ago, a fanfic author by the name of Homer relayed to us that Aphrodite was the daughter of Zeus and Dione. This is not technically wrong but it is quite boring. And it was also pre-dated (shout-out to Hesiod). Uranus, the primordial god of the sky, got into a spat with his children as deities are wont to do. This particular dust-up ended in Uranus being castrated by his son – the Titan, Cronus – who usurped the throne. The disembodied testicles fell into the sea like a pair of primordial bath bombs and out of the resulting effervescence appeared a full-grown Aphrodite in all of her Tumblr-banned glory.

Zeke, with nothing left of him after the explosion than a head and torso, was taken into the gut of a waiting Titan. Let me clarify, here. He was not eaten, no. The mindless titan scooted itself along the river banks and inserted the dying Zeke into its stomach cavity. Then OG Ymir with her trademark PATHS Magiks, crafts the golden boy a brand new body and sends him on his merry way.

Like I said up top: of all the examples of Deus Ex, this isn’t even the third-most severe I’ve seen. The implications of it are…a lot. And it actually makes sense if you consider what we know about Titan Biology.

Back to the beginning. Once upon a time, the Founder Ymir Fritz made a deal with the Devil of All Earth that gave her untold power after coming into contact with the “source of all living matter.” With that power, Ymir became the Progenitor of Titan Power. Upon her death 13 years later, her soul was split into nine pieces and connected via a metaphysical system known only as PATHS. These PATHS transcend space and time and bind together every subject of Ymir, even those who have been long dead.

We also know that the Titans themselves are a conundrum of theoretical physics. Their mass and energy are created from nothing. They generate massive amounts of heat, but don’t appear to need fuel. They have no digestive system and regurgitate the contents of their stomach when it becomes full. Even though they are huge creatures, their actual limbs and body parts are incredibly light. Even though Zeke has little recollection of what happened to him post-explosion, he’s likely smart enough to infer, as we can, exactly how and why he emerged from the carcass of a Titan with a brand new body.

This is all before we mention that Zeke Jaeger is a part of the Fritz family tree. The Royal Family line that descends directly from Ymir herself.

I also thought about Lazarus of Bethany while reading this section. Lazarus was a good friend of Jesus, the lad from Bethlehem. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Jesus was told that Lazarus had fallen ill, but has business and doesn’t set out until a few days later. Jesus and his crew arrive in Bethany only to discover that Lazarus has already passed away. This leads to the Gospel’s shortest verse.

Jesus wept. [John 11:35, KJV]

Perhaps the better comparison for her is to Abraham (with the whole “making a great nation” stipulation). But! I’m trying to do something pithy here, so bear with me.

The story of Lazarus might be the Good Book’s most well-known resurrection (besides that other one). The idea here is that the world’s most Holy Figure decided that this man’s time on Earth wasn’t done. Jesus was too late to heal Lazarus and felt so guilty as to weep. Lazarus was then called forth from his tomb, still wrapped in his death robes.

For the Eldian Empire, no figure is more Holy than Ymir Fritz. She’s the Founding Titan and, if this chapter is to be inferred upon, her spirit still influences the will of her subjects to the day. An entire cult has formed with the sole purpose of returning her to her former glory. I should also point out that Zeke essentially committed suicide.

Like, yeah, maybe the injuries were a bit too extreme for an old shifter to be able to regenerate from, but even if that’s the case there would have been the telltale signs of an attempt to do so, like Pieck in Liberio. There wasn’t even that. He was so tired of the fight – so done with Levi torturing him – that he was willing to abandon his years-long plan entirely and sacrifice his powers to the shadows of death. He chose to die; the Founder chose differently.

The rainstorm clearing to make way for the sun. The beautification of Zeke Jaeger. The visage of his tall, strong frame standing firm as his hated rival lays broken and mutilated at his feet. It’s all very hard to miss. Who knows where his head is at following this? I do, however, finally know why I get so many Spidey Sense tingles whenever Zeke opens his mouth.

The name is Immanuel Kant: German scholar and one of the godfathers of modern philosophy. I first learned of Kant and his teachings as a teenager on my high school debate team as I prepared my cases for the Lincoln-Douglas competition. It was my first tournament and I placed second out of dozens of students. After I was done for the day, a girl came up to me and gave me congratulations for understanding Kant. I thanked her, but the truth was that I didn’t fully grasp Kantian philosophy until I got home that night and studied a bit more. Kantian ethics can be hard to grasp because they are often in conflict with each other. (Gee, that sounds familiar.)

Kant’s ethics are deontological in principal. This is a fancy way of saying that the main concern is the Deed That Must Be Done. It is a separation of morals from emotion. Kant rejected the Utilitarians of the day and their schools of thought regarding the inherent “goodness” of an action. Specifically, he had a big problem with Determinism, saying that things like free will were inherently unknowable; also, basing the morality of a decision around perceived outcomes was impossible, because consequences existed outside of physical existence and therefore could not be quantified. Kant set out to quantify the question of moral relativism with his most famous work: The Categorical Imperative.

This is a terribly complex system that has been repurposed and reinterpreted countless times over the past two centuries so I’ll spare you any ballywho. Basically, CI is the inverse of Consequentialism where everything but the consequences matter. Saving a person from drowning isn’t inherently a good action unless there is a logical reason for doing so. This is admittedly a very simplified summation, but even the expanded version leads to some dissonance of reason.

If we look at the Abstract of Categorical Imperative, it tells us: “Do not impose on others what you do not wish for yourself.” This line is very similar to the Golden Rule, which Kant famously opposed. The American scholar Peter Corning pointed this out, saying, “Kant’s objection is especially suspect because the Categorical Imperative sounds a lot like a paraphrase…of the same fundamental idea. Calling it a universal law does not materially improve on the basic concept.” To borrow an idea myself, it’s like playing the Super Mario theme in a minor key. It’ll sound more dour than usual, but it’s still the Mario theme. Joking aside, what’s important here is that the whole point of CI is to quantify the question of morality and it appears to do that in part by using the qualitative philosophy of the Golden Rule.

Another big beef came from Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard. He felt that Kantian autonomy was insufficient in holding people to the standards of CI’s universal truths. In his words: “Kant was of the opinion that man is his own law – that is, he binds himself under the law which he himself gives himself. Actually, in a profounder sense, this is how lawlessness or experimentation are established.” In other words, if the only thing that matters is reasoning, you can justify almost anything to serve your immediate reasoning.

EXAMPLE

Here is where the dubious nature of the Categorical Imperative fully rears its head, as it displays BOTH the morality and immorality of Zeke’s plan.

On one hand, this plan is fucking awful. There are numerous and many arguments to be made against it; working solely in the context of Kantianism, it is irrational to presume that sterilizing the Eldian people will lead to a more peaceful world. It relies on a ludicrous number of assumptions – the least of which isn’t that Marley will one day stop being a total bell end. Besides that shit, it violates the nature of Kantian philosophy by attempting to foresee the outcome of the situation.

The other hand? It actually makes sense. CI says that only reason matters. It’s ethics through the lens of rational thought. No matter your thoughts about the Great Titan War, how it started and ended, whether or not the Eldians’ preceding subjugation was just or not, it’s a fact that the Titans have caused a great deal of suffering for many people. Only one race of people can transform into these beasts, so the idea of stripping their ability to reproduce isn’t a great leap to make. It is rational specifically in the context of this universe.

(Apologies for any details missed. I haven’t read any Kant in several years and this is a very condensed version of a concept I would encourage you to look into further. Thinking about this all now, the fact that I ever made it to out-rounds while arguing any of this is frankly absurd.)

It makes sense then, finally, why Yelena is so devoted to Zeke’s plan. Titans destroyed her home and slaughtered her people. The rational course of action is to remove this weapon from the hands of those (Marley) that would abuse them. And if those same perpetrators get screwed over during the course of this plan then…[Shrug Emoji]. She claims what she wants is justice. What she really wants, of course, is revenge. Just like her sensei, Jaeger-san, who wants revenge still. Which Jaeger, you ask? The answer is yes.

Situations have been reversed. The volunteers (and Onyankopon) are seated at the head of the table while the officers of the Garrison and Military Police that held them captive are under their thumb. Color-coded armbands are divvied out to the Eldian forces, juuuuust in case you forgot which period of history we’re sending up here. Armbands are assigned based upon when a person surrendered to the Jaegerists. Those higher ups (and Falco) that partook of the wine get their own special armband, because Everything Is Awesome!!

Then there’s this fucking guy. Before I revisited the world of epistemology, I had a much less astute take prepared about character psychology and the concept of the “Double Turn.” I may still write that as a separate post; it won’t do any good here. Reiner didn’t appear, firstly (even though it appears that he and the Warrior Unit are on Paradis), and the visage of a disembodied child using Titan Magiks to bring Zeke back from the precipice of death brings up some very real questions about how real the Curse really is. We don’t know how Ymir Fritz died originally. Given the way mythology tends to work, I’d say patricide is highly plausible.

As usual, all we can do is speculate. One thing that doesn’t need speculation is Pieck. As usual, she’s right on time. As expected, she’s exactly right.

Stray Thoughts

- As I noted last time, Levi was sent flying into the river. Evidently, he had enough strength to make it back to shore, just not much more than that. I suspect he’s alive for now but, goddamn did he get messed up. Levi underestimated Zeke’s suicidal tendencies, just as Zeke underestimated Levi’s tenacity. For two fellas that spent months in direct contact with each other, they have almost no clue.

- Not to stir the pot here but, here’s an in-story example of Kantian Ethics in case you’re still not quite sure. On the roof in Shiganshina – if Kant had been there (lol) – he would have disputed Levi giving the serum to Armin. Not for the reason you think. Categorical Imperative is all about reason. The reason Levi chose to save Armin is because he refused to rob his loved one of their humanity and instead chose to let him rest as opposed to reviving him for the sake of continuing a senseless, endless war. As Momtaku has said before: Levi chose Erwin over Armin. This was a choice made on emotional, borderline selfish, grounds and thereby irrational, which in Kant’s eyes makes it immoral. Just a little extra nugget for you. Discuss, friends!

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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Random game idea that came to mind: clockwork man simulator

I dunno, i just got the general image in my head of a soft homey aesthetic equivelant of that terrible game about the androids. Itd be more like just a life-living game, like stuff like animal crossing or harvest moon. Just fully exploring the perspective of these creatures and the world that created them, rather than BOOM ACTION SETPIECES or whatever

I only have some scattered ideas for it tho, and not really any idea of a main plot or gameplay gimmick or 3 act structure or like.. Anything to take this from idea to game, lol.

SO ITS MISC IDEAS TIME

* more of an olden timey fantasy style instead of sci fi. Youre still an artificial person created to run errands for humans, but youre more of a combination of clockwork and magic. There's still an element of being made of inanimate object parts but there's also some glowy energy core or something. Possibly would be interesting if it was something unusual to use as a power source? Like i dunno, a bell or an acorn or a teacup or one of those rocks with the hole in it that sometimes wash up on beaches. Or just a glowy orb of Generically Defined Energy Substance, which flows through you like aesthetically pleasing glowy veins

* you're a service clockwork homunculus thingy, bought by a disabled person who needs help around the house. PERHAPS A SWEET OLD GRANDMA! Whatever i decide on (IT'LL PROBABLY BE THE GRANDMA), your owner is a kind person who sees you as part of the family and feels guilty using an android as they believe you are absolutely a real person and wish they could set you free. Unfortunately theyre kinda one of the people who needs androids the most, as they dont have any family who can help them. At the same time though, they are very old and quite resigned to nobody caring about them, plus theyre just a good person who'd put your life over their own. So i feel like the plot would literally start with this person trying to set you free and you are just like "i do npt understand the concept, that is not in my programming". Its become kind of a morning routine now to hear "youre free! Get out, dammit!" and have a brisk argument over breakfast that inevitably always ends with you refusing. Grandma's prpbably got so desperate they're resorting to tactics like trying to trick you into getting on the bus out of town or "if you dont leave im gonna hold my breath and i wont stop til i pass out". All inevitabley failing! So they just try and help you understand your sentience and become more independant, encouraging you to take free time every day and go around the town to enjoy yourself. Which is kinda a concept you dont understand yet, so its just like MISSION RECEIVED: WALK IN CIRCLE AROUND PERIMETER OF TOWN. And its kind of a hit and miss experience because the people in this town have never seen an android before- this magic is usually a thing for rich people and this proposed scheme of disability assistance androids is still in its test run. Some people are suspicious or hateful, but there are others who welcome you to the village and brighten up your day. Not just a world of 100% everyone assholes to make a melodramatic point delivered awfully through racist stereotypes.

* i think a good subplot with this disabled grandma would be to show her regaining her independance too. Like she starts off quite fatalistic and used to nobody caring about her, all this mobility aid stuff is new and she feels like its too complicated and she'll never get it, or its too expensive and she doesnt deserve it, or all the nonsense that ableist society drills into people. But with the support of her new friend and access to more tools to help take her life into her own hands, she starts regaining hope again! Like ironically she felt like her previous carers were all the kinds of awful things people expect these androids to be. Robotic, emotionless monsters who dont care about the person's feelings and comfort, and certainly not independance. She suffered from a lot of the same nightmares that androids do too: being forced into a rigid schedule, limited in her options, deprived of basic rights, being told how she's supposed to feel, etc. But to an android that all seems like an inefficient way to do things! My function is healing and human healing efficiency is decreased in this circumstance! I am incapable of ignoring data due to personal bias! Basically imagine MAGIC BAYMAX ok. Anyway this plot would progress with grandma regaining her smile and eventually itd be a super happy day when she's able to get her new wheelchair that she can wheel to the shops on her own without needing someone to push her. Itd be really sweet from the player's perspective to get used to saying goodbye to her every morning and then suddenly you see her wandering around the shops with everyone else and she can become a part of the vibrant town too. Im thinking give her more complex AI than all the other villagers even, like give her a more complicated set of actions and move routes and stuff like SHE IS EVERYWHERE and she is LOVING IT! Life is back where it belongs: in the hands of the person living it! And it also intensifies the message of android slavery not being necessary or moral or good. Like i mean here this lady benefitted from getting an android but literally all she needed was a friend, a healthcare professional who gave a shit, and affordable access to mobility aids. Humans could have done that if they werent lazy assholes! And this android deserves the right to the same uplifting independenceifying experience they helped this grandma have!!

* random idea: all the events you encounter on each daily walk are actually stored in your inventory as items. Memories of experiences, good or bad, become literally experience for you! They each affect stats in different ways because of what you learned from that moment. Maybe bad experiences give you combat abilities and good ones help with your daily life skills and development of personality? And its possible to crack or even shatter a memory, if new experiences end up clashing with it. Usually its just 'oh i learned the more advanced version of this skill through better understanding of why humans do it', but also traumatic memories damaging good ones, and good ones helping ease traumatic ones. And maybe you could solve puzzles and make friendships through using these memory items? Youre faced with a challenge and have to make the connections in your mind to figure out which past experience is relevant here. And becoming more talented at something would help narrow down the choices you get given? And being unskilled would do screwy stuff with the interface like putting the correct option far away near the bottom or mixing up the names and icons of each memory. (Dunno how i'd program that though!)

* Maybe character customization similar to Medabots? The games were so cool and ahead of their time, you get to collect hundreds of different robot base frames and then mix and match the parts to make your own cool aesthetic! Shame it was only used for fighting though, that could be cool in a more social game too! Like go out wearing different fashions to help befriend different people, but its more fun cos its ROBOT FASHIONS! 'hey grandma do u think fred will like this arm or this arm?' She fusses over you all excitedly cos you showing an interest in fashion is a good sign of developing free will! Though you still get stuck in logic loops of 'you should wear what you like best, honey' 'HUMAN OPINION IS OF HIGHER PRIORITY' ...god i think i just made this character so i can ramble Relateable Social Anxiety Moments BUT ROBOTS

* possible ideas for Memory Events you can find around town! Meeting a cute neighbour cat- a fascinating creature you were not programmed to deal with, as you're a hospital android who isnt even meant to leave one single room for your whole life. You get absolutely entranced by the confusing small carpet with legs, and spend all morning interrogating it on why it wishes to rub its face on you. Why is your motor overheating, tiny carpet? Human master, how do you troubleshoot this noise?

* Another idea! You get 'mission: count the steps on the stairs to town' popping out of nowhere, and at first you ignore it because this is an illogical directive that does not come from a human. But it keeps happening every time you go here!! You try finding new ways to get to town crossing through fields or forests or walking directly into the path of a horsedrawn carriage, but ALAS it seems the only efficient path is those curious curious steps! Only then do you finally realise the mystery command is coming from yourself! You're not used to this strange concept of just..wanting to do something, all by yourself. You talk to your human and she says that's 'natural curiosity', 'personality', 'free will'...things that seem impossible to understand. You ask her to take you back to the shop to get this fault fixed, but she says its good and you should try acting on it. But it'll serve no purpose!! BUT AAARGH I HAVE TO KEEP SEEING THOSE STEPS EVERYDAY!! Eventually you do count them and you find it makes you satisfied for no logical reason. And that was the end of that small crisis, but you'll forever be confused by the whole thing! The next week you're like "what if i organized all the blue things with the blue things" and youre intensely frustrated at yourself. Human grandma says this is a "taste for fashion" but you remind her that you do not have a tongue. (And then she gets you the robo parts catalog and you unlock customization. Yay!)

* Possible idea for a sad subplot! A new human visits the village and he seems very strange, sometimes seeming kind and other times being angry and standoffish. You think its a simple 'jerk with a heart of gold' story but the truth is a lot stranger! It turns out this stranger is actually an important bishop in disguise, and he has multiple androids acting as body doubles to protect him while he's on the road. Theyre supposed to just be empty husks who only know how to imitate, but they clearly have their own personalities! You're tasked with finding all these runaway androids and returning them to their master for a reward, leading to a goofy lil game of hide and seek with twelve of the same guy. But it starts to get a bit sad because they're all convinced theyre the real one, and whenever they stumble into holes in their memory they freak out. When they all see each other gathered together its an absolute despair explosion and theyre forced to face the truth. And you can help them bond together as brothers and develop their own individual identities, even helping them pick out their own new faces from your set of fashion roboparts. Sadly you cant keep them here for long because itd obviously be suspicious to have exactly twelve new people move into the town right when twelve bots went missing. So you get help from one of grandma's friends to send them off in a stagecoach to another town where they can find employment and start their own life disguised as humans. The asshole bishop obviously doesnt react well to his androids vanishing into the night, but he never thinks of blaming you because after all you're only an android and you could never choose to help others out of all that free will you dont have. He just berates you for being so incompetant as to fail his quest to find them, and you get your reward taken back. Oh no~ i am~ very ashamed~ i will go tell my human that my ocular circuits require recalibrating~ (internally: HAHA YEH FUCK U OLD MAN) Grandma is super proud of you!

And thats all i got so far

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omigodimonfire · 6 years ago

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Fitness Resources a.k.a. How to Get Jacked 2 tha Max

I pick things up and then I put them back down. I do a mix of strength training, weight lifting, and HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) cardio, interspersed with whatever I feel like doing on any given day, so these are all resources that I have found helpful.

Follow-along workout videos

Fitness Blender, and their youtube channel, is one of my faves for workout videos. They have a crapload of videos of all different levels, and they’re really good about talking you through each movement and modifying movements so that you can do things safely at a level you’re comfortable with. Their website has a fantastic search tool, so that you can sort their 563(!!!) videos by duration, difficulty, training style, body area of focus, equipment, etc. It’s so handy.

Velvet Hammer Fitness tends to post longer and more intense workout videos. They also have beginner-friendly videos, and will give you beginner modifications on the intense videos. It feels like I’ve climbed a mountain when I finish some of these.

Kat Musni Fitness has fun 30-45 min videos. She’s weird and she keeps things interesting.

Scola Dondo has a series of dance workout videos. They are super fun to follow, and she always explains that she doesn’t teach the moves because she wants you to watch the video a few times and dance until you get it, which is a clever way to keep yourself moving.

The Fitness Marshall has even more dance workout videos! He choreographs cardio dance moves to hit pop songs, and he talks you through all of the steps. He has a curated playlist for a weekly-ish workout, called The Sweat Set, so it starts with a slower song to get you warmed up, and then a bunch of higher paced songs, followed by another slow song for a cool-down. It’s great fun, and he always makes me laugh.

HASfit is relatively new to me, but it seems to be similar to the Fitness Blender channel. They look like they know what they’re doing.

Yoga, Pilates, etc.

Blogilates, aka Cassey Ho, has a ton of 5-15 min follow-along pilates videos that focus on specific areas of the body. These pilates moves look easy-peasy, but damn do they burn.

Fightmaster Yoga has, by far, the coolest name. She has all kinds of yoga videos, from the short ones that explain certain poses in-depth, to the 1.5 hour long yoga “classes”. I did most of her 90-day yoga challenge* and loved it. I could feel myself getting stronger as the days went on. She’s really good about explaining what each movement is and how it should feel.

Yoga with Adriene has a similar style to Fightmaster Yoga, but with mostly 25-30 min videos. She also has a bunch of themed yoga videos, for example: yoga for hangovers. Realistic.

Flow With Adee has great flexibility videos, as well as a series of videos on stretching and recovering the day after a hard workout. Very useful! [Beware, the comments section on her videos gets real sexual and gross. Don’t look at the comments. :( ]

Sean Vigue Fitness has videos that mostly focus on strength-building yoga and pilates. He’s also kinda weird and makes random jokes. I like his vibe.

* “__ Day Beginner Challenge” things are great for motivation. It’s convenient and a great way to instill a daily habit. They’re a very popular thing, so pretty much any youtube yoga channel will have at least one “30 day beginner challenge” for you to try out.

Information, Tutorials, Articles, etc.

Gold Medal Bodies, or GMB, has lots of articles and tutorials. They’re a great place to go if you want to know more of the science behind a movement, healthy ways to move, or if you have a specific spot that you want to work on (for ex: stiff neck, sore elbows, etc.). They focus mainly on bodyweight movement with no equipment, and they have a few youtube videos to accompany the tutorials.

Bodybuilding.com is another website with articles and tutorials. It’s definitely leaning more towards aesthetic results, but they have useful information and about a million ways to get strong AF.

Athlean-X is a very bro-y youtube channel, but the guy makes great videos on the best ways to work out for strength. He covers form, number of sets and reps, the order you should perform things in, and more. If you don’t know what any of that means, this is a great place to learn.

Meg Squats is a fun channel to check out. She’s funny and has a realistic approach to strength training and life, and she’s strong as shit. DAMN inspirational.

Superhero Jacked has themed workouts for nerds. If there’s a comic book, movie, tv show, or game character that you admire, they’ve probably got a workout for them. They break down a weekly routine for each character that, in theory, will make you jacked like a superhero/ villain. It’s fun to read, at the very least.

Muscle for Life has some really useful tutorials and articles, if you can ignore the heteronormative bs way they’re advertising their books. Honestly, there’s a whole lot of bs going on in the fitness industry and I’m exhausted just thinking about it, but some of these primitive idiots really know their shit when it comes to getting stronger and healthier.

That’s all I can think of right now, but I may add to this later…

As a follow-up, here’s this: you’ve probably heard this a hundred times, but in order for you to really stick with a fitness regimen and reach your goals, whatever those may be, your choices have to be sustainable. If you pick something super difficult and challenging and make yourself do it every day, you will quickly lose motivation and burn out. So try a bunch of things and see what you like, and find something (or multiple things) that you can do every week. Find something that you like. Maybe you won’t be excited to do it every week, but at least you won’t absolutely despise it.

I try to remind myself that my workouts are not meant to be punishments. I’m not working extra hard because of that piece of cake I ate, or because I missed a workout yesterday. I’m working hard because I want to, because I love the way it makes me feel strong and capable. I also have to remind myself that some days I may feel weaker or shittier than other days, and that’s ok. Maybe I’m sore from a previous workout, maybe I didn’t sleep well, maybe I’m just in a terrible mood. It’s ok to take breaks when you need them, and to cut workouts short or skip them entirely. Remember, whatever you’re doing has to sustain you. Push your limits, work hard, be smart, don’t hurt yourself. Someone, probably a yogi, said, “thank your body for everything it does for you.”

#Workout Tips #i forgot i had that tag

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moonprincess92 · 8 years ago

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Rebelcaptain fic: A bad idea

“Ok, this is bloody ridiculous,” Jyn finished her drink, before slamming it down onto the coffee table in front of them. “Let’s just have sex.”

Cassian choked on his beer.

IE: the friends with benefits fic we all need (wc: 11631) Read on AO3

“This is so stupid!” Jyn exclaimed, throwing up her hands in indignation. “The police are literally still after them and they think that this is a good time to fuck?”

“It’s for the aesthetic,” Cassian deadpanned, before smirking a little. “It’s a blockbuster spy movie, Jyn. I wouldn’t think about it too hard.”

She snorted, taking a gulp of the beer that each of them were working on as they watched together. Slumped down on the battered sofa that Jyn had initially bought in a second-hand furniture shop for 10 quid, her legs were stretched out over Cassian’s lap, his non-beer arm resting over them. Naturally, on screen the moderately-famous actors were descending into sensual jump cuts with less and less clothes, breathy kisses and dramatic music.

“Did the lighting department go on strike when they shot this scene?” Jyn muttered. Cassian laughed and hushed her in response, leaning over to hit her shoulder.

She had to suppose, though, that for all its dramatics, it actually wasn’t a badly shot scene. You know, in comparison. She titled her head slightly, eyebrows furrowing as the actors rolled on the hotel bed, the two moaning and kissing and exchanging equally blissful looks at what was clearly supposed to be the moment of penetration.

Oh, blimey.

Look, maaaaybe it was the late hour. Maybe it was the beer. Hell, maybe it was the fact that Jyn hadn’t had sex for an utterly abysmal amount of time, but for whatever reason … she found herself kind of getting into it. She glanced at her flatmate, before hastily turning her attention back to the screen. There weren’t any porn-level screams or impossible positions, just shadowy movements and the occasional naked arse, but the music was swelling to emphasise their deep emotional connection and yes, she was getting sort of turned on. Her skin under Cassian’s hand suddenly felt uncomfortable and simultaneously like it was on fire. For several minutes she forced herself not to squirm at the familiar ache, especially when the scene finally came to its dramatic climax (so to speak).

… but that was when she felt the unmistakable bulge under her calf.

She snatched her legs away quickly, exchanging slightly mortified looks with Cassian next to her. He took a rather large gulp of his drink.

“Shit, sorry,” he winced.

“Eh, we’re flatmates,” Jyn just shrugged into her beer. “I’ve seen you in your underwear before, there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Somehow, they went back to silence. As police sirens interrupted the post-coital bliss on screen and the movie progressed into yet another frantic chase scene, Jyn sighed in frustration. She watched with a kind of blankness that was the best one could ever achieve when ridiculously turned on with no immediate outlet. Even worse, Cassian was clearly a ball of tension next to her and though neither of them said anything, the heat had to be coming off them both in waves. Her skin was crawling, but leaving the room would only make it even more obvious about what she wanted to do.

Wait, what were the people on screen even saying?

“Ok, this is bloody ridiculous,” Jyn finished her drink, before slamming it down onto the coffee table in front of them. “Let’s just have sex.”

Cassian choked on his beer.

“I’m – I’m s-sorry?” he coughed.

“We clearly both want it!” Jyn pointed out. “We’d be doing a favour, helping each other out, so to speak.”

“How much beer have you had?”

Maybe she had been hitting it too hard. Either that or she was suffering from temporary insanity, because what else would explain her sudden need to fuck her otherwise completely platonic flatmate? She noticed a red tinge creeping up his face and oh god, what had she just done?! This was the kind of nightmare that she was about to start awkwardly laughing through any second now. Quick, just blame the movie because Jesus Christ, Jyn, you really have fucked up this time! When you found a mate who was willing to let you back in the building at two in the morning when you forgot your keys, would cook you life-saving Mexican food during quarter-life crisis’s, and would even drag you home from the club on their back, it was just a RULE: you kept your goddamn genitals faaaar away from each other.

She was a terrible person.

“I – I’m sorry,” she cringed. “God, I know it’s insane of me to even suggest–”

He suddenly lunged across the sofa.

He crushed his lips to hers, and her brain short-circuited entirely. Holy shitballs. She let out a kind of strangled gasp as heat engulfed her. She didn’t know where the hell this was coming from but then again, she didn’t know where her earlier bout of insanity had come from either (now that she was thinking about it, perhaps there was something in the beer after all?). The movie carried on behind them, neither knowing nor caring about what was happening anymore as she clutched at his shirt, his fingers having snarled in her ratty hair. She didn’t know whether she wanted to climb into his lap or have him pin her to the sofa – both had their appeals – but before she could make a decision, he was pulling back.

“I’m – I’m good for us to help each other out if you are?” She shivered at his breath against her throat.

“Oh, I’m good,” she answered.

In the end, he made the decision for her. She was pushed back into the sofa cushions, a leg between hers and his tongue drawing out sounds that quite honestly she hadn't known she could still make. She groaned into his mouth as he bunched up her jumper and t-shirt, his hands painfully freezing against her belly. Somewhere, her brain kept yelling, Jyn. JYN, WHAT THE FUCK. This is Cassian! Cassian was taking off her shirt, Cassian was running his hands over her breasts, this was the same Cassian that she’d first met five years ago when he’d answered her ‘flatmate-wanted’ ad and had accidentally thought Bodhi was her boyfriend … CASSIAN! They were mates, they weren’t supposed to kiss each other like this or stroke each other like that, but ohhhhhh, her brain had clouded over.

Hello, impending orgasm.

In comparison to the on screen couple, theirs was no beautiful love scene. He nearly fell off the sofa trying to get his jeans off. She’d definitely not worn the right kind of underwear this morning. She was definitely cringing at the face she made when he pushed into her, but then oh god, oh god, he was moving and it took roughly 3 more seconds to not give a shit. Her fingers clutched at the skin of his back, legs hitched around him. Outside their tiny flat, all she could hear was the abysmal London rain still pouring, the dwindling day growing darker by the second.

It might’ve been romantic if the TV hadn’t still been booming with explosions and gunshots in the background.

By the time she was lying out of breath and thoroughly sated underneath him, the movie had apparently wound down to its final credits. One arm was splayed out over the edge of the sofa, but the other still rested against his back, Cassian’s face hidden in her neck. A part of her really, really wanted to panic right about then, but that was when he looked up and met her eye. He started grinning … and that was it. She fucking lost it.

They both burst into utter hysterics.

They laughed together until their sides were sore and tears were in their eyes. Jyn covered her face with her hands, moaning into them,

“Oh god. Goooood, Cassian!”

“Trust me, I know.”

“OK. Ok … well,” she grinned, trying to get herself back under control. “Thanks for, erm … doing me a favour.”

“Likewise.”

“I will never mention this again if you don’t?”

“Agreed,” Cassian nodded.

Eventually, they got their sniggers and breathing back down to normal levels. Unfortunately, when it died down it kind of morphed into a very awkward pause. Not that she had a problem with him still being on top of her – the weight was something she’d forgotten, something that for some reason right now was comforting, rather than crushing – but honestly Jyn couldn't remember the last time she’d been fucked quite like that. It was very possible that she’d lost all feeling in her body.

“Sorry,” she mentioned. “but are you planning on moving at all? Because I think my arse is going numb …”

“About that,” Cassian admitted. “I’ve realised that I don’t really know how to without it being weird. Like … could you not look or something …?”

Jyn kind of wanted to yell at him we are completely naked! but she got it. They would somehow have to get up while still flushed, sweaty and in a state of undress that was somehow altogether different from the few times that they had accidentally stumbled into the bathroom while the other was in the shower. But this was Cassian. If he could help her study through failed years of university, if she could make dinner every second night without burning something and if they could still be friends even after that time she had thrown up on his shoes after a night out, then they could suck it up and do this.

She tried not to smile too much as they eventually pulled their clothes back on.

Jyn Help me I’m going to die

Ya, but I’m assuming u mean ur gonna die sooner than u thought, right?

Kay wont stop playing disco music His desk is right next to mine It’s been going on 4 hrs now

That’s what u get for making friends with a robot lol

What do I get for making friends with you?

Resting bitch face and the occasional shitty coffee made for free [crying/laughing emojis]

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times – QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB

Lol like that’s gonna happen

You literally hate it

We live in LONDON, I can’t afford to quit

You could go back to uni

If I can’t afford to quit a shitty waitressing job, I certainly can’t afford to go back to uni, wtf is wrong with u [picture of a generic white person looking sad with outturned pockets]

Would u please stop sending me memes Seriously

Sorry, it’s the only way I know how to show affection

My life was never the same after I met u

…

Ok look, I just need to make sure bc im going a little crazy over it, but … we’re ok, right?

Why the hell wouldn’t we be ok?

COME ON Can u not be jyn for just 5 seconds or something please The other day

Oh right I thought u were talking about some other time we had sex Sorry Yeah cassian, we’re ok Don’t think the sofa is, but we are

Lmao Like I know we agreed to not talk about it but…

No, it’s fine. We’re fine Let’s just go out and get hammered tonight ok? I could certainly do with it after my day

[grin emoji] Ok I’ll buy the beer When do you finish your shift?

“There’s my favourite girl!” Han yelled at her once she’d walked through the door. “Be a dear and help a man out?”

“Fuck off, mate!” Jyn called back, snatching a packet of salt from a nearby table and lobbing it at his head.

The pub owner laughed, ducking the projectile easily. She didn’t care if no one else was here yet, she would get started without them if that was the case. Han would totally look out for her. The man was admittedly an arsehole at best, but when you’d seen each other naked before, one did tend to let bygones be bygones. Besides, they’d only slept together a handful of times before he’d gone and met the love of his life, and that had been that had been the end of it, really.

… not that Leia Organa actually wanted anything to do with Han Solo, but the gesture of not sleeping with anyone else had been rather thoughtful, in Jyn’s opinion.

“Rough day?” he asked her as she dropped unceremoniously onto a stool at the bar.

“If you ID me on purpose again, I’m going to kill you.”

“So it was that bad,” Han slammed a glass in front of her. “Would you like OJ with your vodka?”

“Maybe a splash.”

It didn’t take long for the pub to start blurring, despite the fact that she was sitting still. Alcohol always made her a little giddy, a little too prone to oversharing, and it was around drink number four when Jyn was waving off his inquiries to whether she was ok once more. “Noooo, no, no, no, it wasn’t that bad, I swear!” she insisted. “Just my boss is a prick, insane customers, that kindaaa thing.”

“Sweetheart, I’ve always told you to just come work for me,” Han rolled his eyes.

“And work nights? Spend my time getting hit on by students wearing Primarmi? You’re full of wonderful ideas!” Jyn snorted. “And you wonder why Leia won’t even give you the time of day.”

“I’m working on it!” he said, hotly.

“Maybe if you didn’t act like such a wanker around her.”

“Gee, it’s a wonder you’re still single. When was the last time you even had sex, Jyn?” Han rolled his eyes, letting the glass scrape across the bar as he took it away from her. She whined as he peered at said glass in amusement. “This has to be a record,” he added. “I’m cutting you off and PC Plod's not even here yet.”

“I love that you call 'im that, the Brits have been influencin' you,” Jyn teased.

“Never,” Han drawled.

“But shhhhhh,” Jyn suddenly flung herself over the bar to grab at Han’s shirt sleeve. Had it been even one drink ago, she honestly would have recognised what a Terrible Idea it was to mention literally anything! But she was currently at four-drinks Jyn, and four-drinks Jyn was prone to recklessness and damning all the consequences. “I have to tell someone,” she focused very seriously on his face. “You can’t – don’t tell anyone this, especially not Bodhi – but I might’ve slept with PC Plod, ok?”

Han stared at her a moment.

“… boy, Enid Blyton did not see that one coming.”

“It’s crazy, right? It’s crazy!” Jyn flung up her hands, nearly knocking the last of her confiscated drink out of Han’s hands. She dropped back onto her bar stool heavily. “We didn’t mean for it to happen, it sort of just … did. But fuck, it was good. Oh shit, I think I kind of want to do it again, but he’s my bloody roommate, like tell me this is a bad idea, Han!”

“… it’s a bad idea.”

“See! Thank you,” Jyn kissed her hand, before slapping Han’s face with it lightly. “Now tell that to my vagina.”

“You’re a delight. More vodka? Oh also, you might wanna warn the vaj,” Han nodded somewhere over her shoulder. “he just walked in.”

Jyn nearly fell off her stool. Luckily, Cassian was close enough to leap forward the last few feet and catch her elbow before she could face plant. “I see you started without us,” he smirked. “Bodhi and Luke not here yet?”

She shook her head. “No Kay, either?”

“I killed him four and a half hours into my shift.”

Jyn laughed. “Catch any bastards today?”

“Responded to a few calls, nothing major,” he shrugged.

Jyn watched, her head planted firmly in her hands, elbows on the bar top, as Cassian settled onto the stool next to her. It was bloody insane. She would have to be blind drunk to even suggest it, which is what worried her in the first place, but the fact remained that despite her shitty job, despite her abandonment issues, debilitating student loan and general lack of self-worth, she was … kind of happy. She almost hadn’t recognised it. She had gotten so used to the pressure clogging her throat that the sudden disappearance of it the last few days had been something almost of a shock. She attempted to listen as Cassian and Han made small talk. Admittedly, Cassian hadn’t ever exactly gotten along with Han Solo (probably something to do with that the first time they’d ever met was when Han had spent the night and they’d both awkwardly tried to use the bathroom at the same time). But these days they could thankfully chat a lot more civilly, and Jyn might have listened except that practically all sounds had been muted.

She shouldn’t even be considering it. It was the worst idea she’d ever had (and she’d made some pretty bad decisions over the last 25 years of her life). But she kept replaying the sofa over and over, thinking that if that was the first time, imagine how good they could get if they did it a second, third or even a fourth time.

It was just sex.

It didn’t have to be complicated, right?

Hey, where tf are you? Bodhi and Luke are making out again I need help

Tpiltts Tiolets TOILETS I’ve gone to the loo Wanna gte outta here?

Lmao, ok stay put I’m coming to get u

No no no noononnooo Cass I mean do u wanba GET OUTTA HERE Get off Go back 2 my pl Well our plce HAVE SES SXE Adfssj U know what I mean

I’m here I know what u mean

He slammed her up against their front door. His lips were hot as they moved to her neck, sucking the spot behind her ear that he had apparently learned about last time. His fingers tugged on her hair, keeping her right where he wanted her as her hands traversed his sides. They slid against his skin under his shirt, down, down, and thank god that, ok, at least this time they could actually blamed it on the alcohol.

“You’re laughing,” he complained against her neck.

“Your beard tickles,” she sniggered.

“You didn’t complain last time.”

“Cassian, this isn’t me complaining,” Jyn pointed out. “Trust me, you’d KNOW if I was – ohhh god,” she suddenly groaned as his teeth lightly grazed at her collar bone. “St – stay there – yeah, there–”

He seemed only too happy to oblige her for the moment. For several minutes, there was silence down their corridor, save only for their breathing and frantic fumbling for either one’s set of keys. By the time they managed to stumble inside, slamming the door behind them, she had already gotten his jacket off and shirt open, and there were the beginnings of a bruising mark decorating her neck.

Jyn could barely think over the buzzing in her head. The flat swirled around them, her heart thrumming. His chest was hard under her hands and she kissed him sloppily, deeply, whimpering when he bent down and grabbed her thighs. Legs around his waist, he hastily traversed through the otherwise dark and empty flat. It took her a moment to notice that it was her bed they were drunkenly stumbling into, but it made sense.

Hers was the closest to the front door, after all.

He engulfed her, pressing her back into the mattress. It was a gasping, fumbling rhythm, hindered by incoordination and desperation, but what they lacked in finesse they certainly made up for in enthusiasm. Finally, they made each other fall over the edge, her toes digging into the sheets and stars exploding somewhere behind her eyes.

Cassian’s head fell onto her shoulder. Jyn felt her chest meet his with every breath, their skin sticking together. It left her itching and kind of wanting more, but shit they were such a mess. She needed to move, but Jyn was also aware that her drunk, sated arse was definitely not going anywhere anytime soon. She wasn’t quite sure where he went, but his body was suddenly being replaced with her duvet and the softness did her in. She was out cold within seconds.

She woke in the morning – like usual – regretting all her life decisions up until that point. She protested as the light hit her eyes through the windows, but thankfully, Cassian was suddenly there with tea in front of her.

“Oh … bless you,” she moaned, half-heartedly dragging herself upright so that she could accept it. Cassian had always proudly held onto his love of coffee, despite having lived outside of Mexico for apparently nearly 10 years now, yet he still took the time to make her tea. She glanced up at him in his underwear and looking barely any better than she no doubt did. She might’ve given a shit about the fact that she was still practically naked as well, but considering the things that they’d done, it seemed a little late for that.

“I found your phone,” he mentioned, tossing the device over to her.

“Thanks,” Jyn said, flicking quickly through the notifications. Nothing major, just a few unflattering photos from last night to immediately un-tag herself from and threaten Kay into soon deleting. She dropped her phone next to her, trying to keep her eyes on her tea instead of the bare chest that was still standing in front of her. She didn’t quite know where he’d gone last night. Her bed didn’t look slept in apart from herself, but it had never bothered them before to share when the situation had called for it. Was it bad form to ask? Oh, this was making her head hurt more.

Thankfully, before she could truly work herself up into a good Panic, he clambered over her legs and settled down next to her. She smiled a little, handing him his coffee without him needing to even ask.

“So I know we said we wouldn’t talk about it …” he warbled.

“Yeah,” Jyn wrinkled her nose. “Look, last night was all me, I am so sorry–”

“Did you like it?”

Jyn shot him a look from over her mug. “I mean … yeah, yes, I liked it.”

“Then don’t be sorry. I liked it, too.”

They were both grinning now. However, frustration over the whole situation won out and she fisted a hand into her hair. “UGH, why does this have to be so complicated?” she complained. “Like, we’ve got something here! It feels good, we both like it, but this is the worst idea imaginable–”

“Is it really?” Cassian said into his coffee casually.

Jyn turned and punched his arm. “Trust me when I say you don’t want to fall in love with me, mate.”

Cassian snorted. “Oh, I remember what happened to your last boyfriend. I know.”

“You make it sound like I killed him,” Jyn whined.

“Didn’t you text me at 2am once to ask how often the police pulled out bodies from the Thames?”

“Arsehole, that was purely theoretical,” Jyn insisted.

“How is Scott, these days?”

“Dunno, haven’t heard from him since we broke up,” Jyn said.

He pinched her arm a little. “Look,” he said. “this honestly doesn’t have to be as complicated as we’re thinking. You don’t want a relationship and I really don’t have the time. But as it turns out, we have pretty great sex for two people who are just friends, soooo …”

“Ok, I’m going to stop you RIGHT THERE,” Jyn pointed out. “because I know exactly where this is going and for the record, it won’t work. I’ve seen the movie! Not the one with Ashton Kutcher, the other one.”

“Oh, with Mila Kunis?”

“That’s it!” Jyn nodded. “If we start regularly sleeping together, I know exactly how it’s going to go! We’ll try and keep it casual, friends with benefits or whatever, but soon we’ll start to get in over our heads. One or both of us will catch feelings that neither of us are prepared to handle, and it will all eventually end with it blowing up in our faces and one of us being forced to move out! We can’t risk it.”

Cassian sighed. “Ah, shit. You’re right.”

“I know. Damn it,” Jyn grumbled. “but what if … nah, forget it.”

“What?”

“No, don’t listen to me!” she said. “Hell, I’m probably still a little drunk, I definitely don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Jyn.”

He always knew how to get stuff out of her. Maybe it was the whole cop thing, maybe it was just a Cassian thing. But just like the time he’d managed to get her talking when she’d finally broken down and admitted that she was quitting uni, his eyes bored into her until she found herself blurting out,

“Ok, but WHAT IF … we agree to do this,” She ignored the slight thrill at the thought. “but only until one of us starts developing feelings. When that happens, we stop.”

He considered.

“Deal.”

“Wait,” Jyn practically spluttered on her tea. “Just like that?!”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “Those rules seem pretty clear. We get to sleep together until the first sign of emotions, then we stop. Our friendship remains intact, and we get amazing sex out of it, what’s the down side?”

“I’m serious,” Jyn warned. “I can’t … I love you like I’d love any flatmate, Cassian, but I really can’t do another relationship.”

“I get it,” Cassian answered. “Open and honest, and this will work!”

Jyn couldn’t believe she was agreeing to this.

“Open and honest.”

“So we’ve agreed?”

“I … think we have.”

Cassian reached out and squeezed her knee through the duvet. “Cool.”

You want pizza for dinner?

Are you literally texting me from your room? Seriously?

I’m lazy Do u want pizza?

Pizza’s good with me

Brill Also do u want a bj im kinda feeling it

Pizza and a blow job? What did I do to deserve you?

[Picture of Barney Stinson with the text ‘I’m awesome’]

Again with the memes

If she’d known all along that this is what it would feel like to have Cassian Andor inside her on a regular basis, she might’ve done this years ago.

Yeah, she’d always kind of assumed that he’d be an excellent lay. It was hard not to when their bedrooms shared a wall and they had spent the last five years that they’d lived together teasing each other through it. He would blast out mood-killing songs whenever she brought someone over, and she would always smack the wall back in response and yell out, “Oh yes!” dramatically, that kind of thing. But Jyn had always kind of thought that he was just showing off the rare times he’d brought someone home. That she was just overestimating his abilities, talking it up in her head … except it turned out that he had a wicked tongue that could send a thrill through her in a heartbeat, and well.

“Ok, so let me recap–” She gasped into his mouth, having pressed him up against the hallway wall. “Don’t like being tickled, yes to doing it rough–?”

“Open, I said I was open to it,” Cassian reiterated, reaching down to grope her arse. “I mean – if you–?”

“Oh, I’m definitely into it,” Her kisses were open-mouthed, hungry; she wanted to leave marks this time. “Like – don’t crack my skull open or something – but you know–”

“Ok,” He raised a hand to cup the back of her head. Before she could catch her breath he suddenly moved, turning and slamming her up against the wall a little. He smothered her yelp with his mouth, hand sliding down out of her hair to rest against the side of her neck. Jyn clawed at his shoulders and he lifted her.

“This ok?” he murmured.

She smirked into his kiss. “Very ok.”

“How was your day?”

“I got yelled at for forgetting to use soymilk,” Jyn mentioned casually. “You?”

“I arrested someone for punching Kay in the face,” Cassian answered. “We were responding to a 999 call, he was fleeing the scene, honestly, what else would you expect? But Kay got there first, and you know what he's like when–”

“Wait, wait, hang on–” Jyn had to stop him mid-sentence, clamping her thighs tight around his hips, halting their movements entirely. “I’m sorry, but you have to change the subject. Talking about Kay REALLY doesn't do it for me.”

Cassian snorted with laughter into her neck and she shook her head in amusement. She at least got an eyeful of his sweaty chest as he leaned and rested his head back against the sofa with a thump. His arms remained slung around her, but no matter how into this Jyn had been minutes ago, she now couldn’t get the irritating face of Cassian’s damn work partner out of her head.

“I’m sorry,” he said, weakly. “Did you want to stop?”

“The fuck are we stopping,” She rolled her eyes. “Just, I dunno, talk about something hot instead.”

“Jyn–” Cassian looked like he had choked a little. “You’re my best friend, I can’t tell you something like that!”

“Cassian, for god’s sake,” Jyn pointed out. “now is not the time to be setting boundaries.”

He seemed to consider that for a moment. She knew that sometimes, they were still thinking too much with their heads about all this, about what they should and probably shouldn’t do, but damn it, she was supposed to be doing this because of the bonuses of not-thinking! Her hands had been resting against his chest as he leaned against the sofa, but now she let them move. She saw him gulp. “C’mon …” she murmured. She leaned in, nipping at his jaw. Her hands wandered up into his hair as she said, “just tell me that you like how wet I am or something.”

He swore in Spanish.

“What did that one mean?”

He shook his head. “JYN.”

“FINE,” Jyn sighed. “tell me about how you arrested this bloke instead?”

Incredibly, that one worked surprisingly well.

You have (1) deleted item:

From: [email protected] Sent: Monday 12th June 2017 9:16pm To: [email protected] Subject: Hi

Hi Stardust.

I understand that you still don’t like hearing from me but I just thought I should let you know that I’m going to be in London the next few weeks. It’s a research project I’m working on, I’m technically not allowed to say any details, but it’s really exciting work and I think you’d enjoy hearing about it.

I hope you are well, Jyn. Last time I heard directly from you, you had decided that university wasn’t for you. I hope that whatever you’re doing now, you’re happy and settled.

I’m sorry that things aren’t better or perfect. But I love you, Stardust.

Dad.

My dad emailed again

Shit. Did you answer?

Lmao no He’s apparently in London Probs wants me to go and see him or something but that’s the thing, it’s always on his terms! I could go all the way to his fucking front doorstep but it wouldn’t make a difference cause only he apparently gets to dictate when and where he wants to be a goddamn father Fuck sorry

Jyn it’s fine Want me to go arrest him? I’m sure I could make something up

[crying/laughing emojis] Sure thanks

Consider it done

“Hey, check this out,” she called from her perch on the kitchen bench, not looking up from her phone. “they say that people who have regular sex live longer.”

“Who says that?”

“The internet.”

“Well, I’m convinced.” Jyn threw a nearby junk mail magazine at him. Cassian battered it away easily from where it was his turn to cook that night and she barked out a laugh. Keeping each other company while the other cooked was a leftover tradition from when Bodhi had still lived with them and it wasn’t something they’d really moved on from yet, despite it being months now. Even though they saw each other literally all the time, Jyn still admittedly missed having her childhood best friend around all the time. She could only imagine what he’d have to say if he ever found out that they’d been sleeping together though, so it was probably better to focus on the positive sides.

Honestly, the bonus of being flatmates was that there were no logistics whatsoever to worry about! They could simply pick whoever’s bed happened to be the closest and no other flatmates meant that the rest of the flat was fair game (sorry Bodhi). And already being friends meant that Jyn didn’t have to care about being self-conscious when the lights were on, nor having to worry about sounding like she was dying when she was coming. Cassian had already seen her at her most pathetic 4am, crying and Netflix-binging state.

Nothing could be worse than that, after all.

“Cassian!” Kay’s voice piped up from the lounge, then. “I’m afraid to say that if Jyn is helping you cook tonight, I won’t be able to eat anything. I can’t risk food poisoning–”

“It’s like he’s not even human,” Jyn noted, swinging her head up to shoot Cassian a look.

He just shrugged like, what can you do?

Jyn glanced back over the kitchen bench and around the corner, to where she could see Cassian’s work partner currently huffing at being ignored, despite that literally all their friends were also currently lounging, chatting and laughing around him. She considered yelling out that they’d had sex right where Kay was sitting not even 6 hours ago, but then again, they hadn’t told their friends about them for a reason. Bodhi had always been an avid matchmaker, even before he’d asked Luke out, and he would have read way too much into it. Han would just be an arse about it and keep asking her whose dick was bigger. Leia would want every sordid detail and Kay … well, Kay would probably want to murder her.

No, it was easier just keeping this between themselves.

“What did I seriously ever do to make that man hate me?” Jyn grumbled, tucking her phone under her armpit as she folded her arms.

“You were your usual charming self,” Cassian noted.

“I don’t know why you’re being sarcastic, I’m a fucking delight.”

“Of course,” He turned to face her with a spoon in hand. “Right, Fucking Delight, make yourself useful and tell me if this tastes good–”

She gave a high-pitched mmm sound. “Well, with a hint of parsley–”

“Oh, I don’t know why the hell I’m asking you,” Cassian said with deep resignation as Jyn pulled a face. He leaned over the bench next to her, calling out, “Kay! Please come take over Jyn’s job, she’s useless to me!”

“Of course she is,” she heard Kay mutter at once.

“If you think I'm putting out any time soon, you've got another thing coming,” Jyn threw back at Cassian quickly.

“Naturally,” he just grinned.

“For god’s sake, what’s got you so worked up about this?” Jyn might’ve laughed at the comedy of the situation if she hadn’t been so annoyed. There they were, both completely naked and yet still somehow yelling at each other from opposite sides of his bed. “It’s only doing it from behind and besides, it's perfect for us! You can’t even see my face, no emotions are involved whatsoever!”

“Jyn, c’mon! It’s almost too personal,” Cassian said in exasperation. “No, I can’t see your face, so you’d have to just believe that I’ll do it how you like. That’s … that’s a lot of trust to be putting in me.”

“Cassian, I let you put your dick in me,” Jyn said, scathingly. “I think it’s safe to say that I already trust you.”

“This is different!”

“HOW THE HELL IS THIS–?” Jyn had began, but soon broke off in a frustrated growl, closing her eyes. Unfortunately, she got it. They were already pretty close. They’d said that they’d only do this until they fell for each other, but she was starting to wonder now whether that was going to happen sooner than they’d originally thought. The two of them clicked. They worked in a way that was just chill and without stress, something that made her actually want to get through her shitty days so she could get back home to him.

She shook her head.

“Ok, yeah,” she said, hastily. “I get it. Too personal. Wanna fuck me against the wall instead?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Im gonna watch a movie u wana join?

Which one?

Dunno......im thinking action lots of explosions, unnecessary sex scenes and big guns

Well now, how can I say no Do we need more bathroom cleaner btw?

Ya Toilet paper too

Got it Have you picked a movie yet?

I’ll wait til u get here Hey hey yyyyy Guess what colour underwear im wearing

Im standing in the frozen foods aisle, for christ’s sake

WRONG ANSWER It’s nothing I’m wearing nothing

………jyn erso, are u seriously sexting me?

Is it working Our friendship is fucking ruined now isn’t it?

I’m literally on my way home

Jyn’s knees hurt, but like hell was she moving any time soon. They probably shouldn’t have chosen the kitchen for this, it was hardly sanitary, but he’d started kissing her neck as they made dinner together and she’d ended up shoving him up against the bench. She’d started with his lips, but had steadily worked her way down, opening up his shirt and eventually his trousers until she’d gotten him right where she wanted him. One of his hands was fisted in her hair, but the other gripped the edge of the kitchen bench, his knuckles white. God, the noises that came from his mouth, it should be illegal or something –

“HEEEEY, GUYS! Just dropping off – wait –?”

It apparently took Bodhi about half a second to realise what he was seeing. The sudden strangled yell from the entrance to the kitchen made her leap half a mile. She fell back on her arse as Cassian panicked, spinning around.

Bodhi slapped a hand over his eyes, a giant store-bought cake under his other arm.

“MY EYES!” he screeched. “GODDAMN IT GUYS, I CANNOT UNSEE THAT!”

“What the hell are you doing here?!” Jyn cried. She hadn’t even heard the door open.

“It wasn’t so long ago that I used to live here too!” Bodhi removed his hand, but kept his eyes squeezed shut as he blindly reached out, trying to find the kitchen table. “Jesus Christ, it’s not even 3pm!”

“Bodhi–” Jyn rubbed her forehead warily, climbing up to her feet. Bodhi finally found the table. He dropped the cake onto it just as Cassian, who had been forced to hastily make himself decent, caught her eye and mumbled,

“Yeah, I’m just gonna …”

Jyn watched him leave with an almost amused look. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him run so quickly,” she mentioned.

“So it's safe to look now, then?”

“Oh for god’s sake, Bodhi, we're adults aren't we?” Jyn rolled her eyes, kicking a chair out at the table for her to sink down onto. Bodhi thankfully let himself see again, tentatively sitting down next to her.

“Look,” Bodhi grumbled. “I just didn’t expect to be seeing live porn when I walked in here, ok?”

“Sorry! Blimey,” Jyn said. “It’s not like we were expecting you bursting in, either … don’t worry,” she added in a huff at the look on his face. “It’s nothing serious or anything, we just … sleep together sometimes.”

Bodhi rubbed his eyes, looking like he’d just been told to believe that England would give up drinking tea for an entire year.

“Bloody hell, Jyn. Since when has THAT been happening?” he asked.

“Dunno,” Jyn shrugged. “Few months now?”

“Few MONTHS?” Bodhi threw up his hands. “That’s it! I don’t know why you lot even keep me around anymore, clearly as soon as I moved, it was out of sight, out of mind!”

“Shut up,” Jyn kicked him under the table. “There was nothing to really say!”

“I never thought you even liked him like that,” Bodhi said.

“It’s not about like!” Jyn said. “It’s about … look, turns out that we have pretty great sex and it was easy to just keep doing it. Don't think too hard, ok? There’s no emotions involved here.”

Bodhi just scoffed loudly. “OH, COME ON, that shit never works. Haven’t you seen the movies?”

“That’s why we agreed to stop the second emotions did become involved,” Jyn said. “HA, see? We already covered this!”

But Bodhi was shaking his head, almost laughing now. “JYN. Oh, babe. Ok, so say you do keep doing this until that day you look at him and think ‘fuck, I’ve fallen for this bloke’. What makes you think that you’re going to want to stop sleeping with him at that point? Because I'd like to note that the brain isn’t all that great at being rational and logical when it’s being emotional.”

Jyn opened her mouth to immediately counter with her brilliant rebuttal … until she realised that she didn’t have one. Bollocks. She liked to think she��d do the rational thing and take that step back as planned – she was nothing, if not pragmatic – but Bodhi had planted that seed of self-doubt. It had been so long that she almost couldn’t remember what it even felt like. What if she fell and decided to fuck it all and never say anything? What if Cassian did? She couldn’t fall in love again, she had the same level of emotional intelligence as a goddamn lizard!

She couldn’t do it. Not with him.

Since her brain was screaming at her, it naturally made it the perfect time to ignore everything and simply wave off Bodhi’s point. “Since when have I ever been the emotional one?” she joked.

Bodhi only shook his head once more. “Just … shit, girl. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Yeeeeah, me too.

Jyn desperately cast around for a topic change, and noticed the cake then still sitting in its container inside the plastic bag between them. She nudged it and asked, “What’s this for, then?”

Bodhi stared incredulously. “… my birthday?”

“OH, SHITBALLS,” Jyn slammed a hand into her forehead. “I mean, I was honestly going to buy you a cake this time!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “don’t worry, I’ll act touched, just like every year.”

“I swear I’ll be onto it by the time you’re at least 30,” Jyn said, a little sheepishly.

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“Arsehole.”

Bodhi grinned as he dodged a wadded up receipt that Jyn had lobbed at his head.

“Hey,” Jyn folded her arms as she leaned against the doorway to Cassian’s room. “you all right?”

“I’m never going to be able to look Bodhi in the eye again, but yes,” he answered without looking up from the computer on his lap.

Jyn laughed a little. “Yeah … sorry I was interrupted. Did you want me to come and take care of that, or …?”

“Don’t worry,” Cassian held up a hand. “I think the moment’s passed. But I appreciate it.”

“Bodhi was bringing round the cake for his birthday party tonight.”

“Honestly, Jyn, it’s the same every year. You had one job.”

“Well now, see Bodhi’s gotten so used to buying his own cake that if I did actually do it at this point, we’d end up with two cakes!” Jyn pointed out. “It’d be messing up the whole system.”

“Who says there’s anything wrong with two cakes?”

Jyn shrugged a little, before venturing in closer. She nudged Cassian’s shoulder, and he shifted over so that she could settle next to him. “What’re you watching?” she asked.

“Mediocre horror movie. I kind of needed something as unsexy as possible.”

“Are we talking slasher or more supernatural thriller?”

“Oh, there’s definitely a lot of blood.”

“Perfect.” She leaned against his shoulder and his arm rested comfortably over her thigh. They didn’t move for the rest of the B-grade gore fest.

Hey Jyn, I’m assuming you’re on your way, but want to warn you that your dad has for some reason turned up to my party Jyn Jyn did u get this msg? ???? JYN UR DAD IS LITERALLY AT MY PARTY I DIDN’T INVITE HIM I DON’T KNOW WHY HES HERE BUT TEXT ME BACK JFC JYN

…

Shit cass are u with jyn? Goddamn it look at ur phone! Her bloody DAD is here Thats it, I’m calling u

When Jyn walked into the pub and saw her dad, she was certain that it was somehow her punishment for being caught sucking off her flatmate.

“FUCK,” she exclaimed.

Leia was the one who noticed her first, glancing around curiously at her curse. Quite frankly, Jyn still didn’t know Leia Organa all that well. Their introduction had admittedly been back nearly three years ago now, the two of them introduced when Bodhi had first started going out with her brother, but they admittedly didn’t talk one-on-one that much. Hell, she still wasn’t entirely sure whether the woman actually knew that Jyn and Han had once had a thing before. It wasn’t exactly a secret and they hardly kept their shared past discreet, so Jyn suspected that Leia had probably decided that it was just better to not explicitly ask. Jyn met Leia’s gaze for all but two seconds, before deciding fuck it, and leaping towards her.

“Hide me!” Jyn cried.

“What’s going on?” Leia asked, staring at her in bemusement.

“The fuck if I know!” Jyn hastily pulled up the hood of her jacket, keeping her back to where Galen Erso was on the other side of the pub, sitting by himself rather awkwardly. “Tell me, do you also see the middle-aged bloke sitting alone at the bar? Dark hair, looks rather out of place?”

“Yes …?”

“Great, I’m not hallucinating then. That’s my DAD, Leia,” Jyn clamped her hand onto Leia’s arm. Whether it was for comfort or just in sheer panic remained to be seen. “Whom I have not seen for god knows how many years now, because he walked out on me and my mum when I was eight and half the time forgets to even send a birthday card, let alone remember I exist!”

“… well, this went in a direction I wasn’t expecting,” Leia said, a little blindsided. “Shit.”

“NO KIDDING.”

“Do you know what he’s doing here?”

“I deleted his email!”

“I … think we’re getting a little hysterical here, Jyn.”

“I just–” Jyn roughly yanked out her phone. “He messaged saying he was in London, but I really didn’t want to see him so I deleted it. Look–! Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jyn slammed her phone several times into her hand. “This decrepit thing turned itself off on me again!”

“Ok, ok,” Leia glanced over her shoulder as Jyn waited for her crappy phone to reboot itself for the billionth time. “Subtle observations indicate that … oh, he’s just seen Bodhi! Bodhi doesn’t look that shocked though, just making small talk now. I think he already knew he was here, he keeps looking at his phone …”

“Oh, Christ,” Jyn stared at her own phone suddenly coming to life in her hand. The dozens of messages and missed calls were flooding in. Surely half of them were from Bodhi trying to warn her. The log of missed calls told her that Cassian had apparently been trying to get a hold of her as well. Jyn was used to feeling screwed over by this point in her life, but the sudden reappearance of her father had thrown her for a loop. She felt like her chest was screaming. A little helplessly, she glanced up at Leia.

The other woman held herself up determinedly.

“What do you need me to do?” she asked at once. “I’ll lend you my jacket if you want to sneak out – or I’ll call Han and get him to chuck him out of here – or – I don’t know, do you even like hugs, or–?” She cut herself off in surprise as Jyn suddenly threw herself into Leia’s arms.

Normal people hugged and offered shoulders to cry on as a sign of friendship, but Jyn was woefully bad at showing affection for literally anybody aside from sending memes out of nowhere at 2am. But she’d never appreciated the woman in front of her more, and a hug just seemed like the thing to do. Leia startled, but wound her arms tight around her in return.

“Thank you,” Jyn muttered.

“Hey, no problem,” Leia said. She squeezed her one last time, before stepping back. “Just do me a favour and please never tell me whatever the hell it was that happened between you and Han, ok?”

“Deal,” Jyn snorted.

Fortunately, at that point, her phone rang again.

“Cassian,” she said at once.

“JYN!” Cassian’s voice was agitated with panic. “FINALLY! LISTEN, ARE YOU AT THE PARTY YET? DON’T GO TO INTO THE PUB–”

“Yeah, about that,” Jyn said. “Too late. But don’t worry, I know my dad is here.”

She heard Cassian mutter a few choice phrases under his breath. “I’m so sorry – look, I’m just arriving now, where are you? What do you want to do from here?”

“I’m with Leia, we’re near the – I SEE YOU!” She and Leia waved frantically at the front door, where Cassian had just arrived. Relieved, he hung up the phone and hurried toward them through the crowd. Watching him, Jyn realised that her inner Panic Mode had started subsiding the second Cassian had walked in. Leia apparently also noticed. She kept glancing between her face and Cassian’s, still struggling through the crowd.

“So you guys are still fucking …?” she asked casually.

“Yep.”

“And you’re not in love with him?”

Jyn didn’t answer.

However, before Cassian could reach them, someone else apparently did. Jyn heard the voice behind her, heard her childhood nickname, and everything inside her spasmed. Please no. She didn’t want to do this, she didn’t have the strength for this. She turned warily to see that her father had found her.

He looked tired, but then again, he had as well on every other rare occasion that she’d seen him. More than tired, he had a heavy air, like something invisible was weighing him down but Jyn couldn’t afford to get sentimental here. A tiny part of her somewhere would always be that little eight-year-old who loved her papa and had begged him not to leave, but another would forcefully remind herself that no one should have to endure the radio silence she'd gotten in the years since. Yes, she wanted him back. She wanted to be able to talk to him, she wanted to understand, she wanted an actual father … but she couldn’t do it right now.

“I’m sorry, Star – Jyn,” he hastily used her name at the look on her face. “Jyn … I’m so sorry for intruding like this, I really am. But I remembered it was Bodhi’s birthday, and I saw on Facebook that he was having a party here, and I just wanted to see you–”

“If you’d wanted to see me, you would have said yes the million times I asked,” Jyn snapped back, beyond done. “I don’t want to talk to you!”

“Please, Jyn–”

“What’s happening?” Cassian burst in on the scene, practically skidding into her side. Leia, Jyn noticed, had subtly sneaked away and was currently yelling frantically at Han somewhere over the bar.

“Nothing,” Jyn quite firmly planted a hand on Cassian’s chest to keep him back. “He was just leaving.”

“I want us to talk, Jyn,” Galen said, desperately. “We haven’t properly talked in years, I feel like I’m losing you–”

Jyn let out a deserive snort of laughter. “Look, Dad. Who’s fault is it that we don’t talk? The only times I ever got to see you growing up was when it suited you. But I don’t care, I’m old enough that I don’t need you anymore,” She stared him down hard. “If we ever do actually talk again, it’s going to be when I want to, on my terms. If you push me, try contacting me at all, I swear you’ll never see me again. I know how to contact you if I want. Now, leave me, Bodhi, and my friends the HELL alone.”

She didn’t know what reaction she’d get, honestly. It was probably the most defiant she’d ever been. Cassian still stood resolutely by her side, not saying anything, but obviously about a second away from defending her if all hell broke loose. Galen nodded clearly, his eyes a little lost.

“I understand. You won’t hear from me again,” he said, regret pinching his voice. “Please know, Jyn … if you ever call, I’ll always answer.”

He turned and left.

Bodhi was completely beside himself.

“I WAS FUCKING PANICKING, I’M SO SORRY!” he kept yelling over and over, at least until Jyn could get a few drinks in him. “I saw him and he was making small talk and telling me happy birthday, and I didn’t know how to throw him out without making a scene and–”

“It’s fine! Bodhi, it’s fine,” Jyn threw an arm around his shoulders, shoving a pint into his hands. “I told him to leave and he did, it’s all ok – besides, we can’t let this ruin your birthday!”

There were thankfully cheers and chinks of glasses all around then, the dramatic Erso Family Tension slowly being forgotten as the night went on in favour of celebrating Bodhi’s birthday in excitement. Yes, maybe Jyn got a little more than just blind drunk, but quite honestly, she hadn’t felt so uplifted in years! Leia pulled her out to dance several times, the two clinging to each other to remain upright. Han’s bar converted a raised stage area into a space for dancing at a certain hour, which was a little dangerous in that Luke fell off it several times, but Bodhi was thankfully always there to catch him. At one point, Han came out from behind the bar and whispered into Leia’s ear, earning a smack and a dance in rapid fire. As she was swept up, Jyn suddenly felt arms wrap around her from behind. She clung on gratefully as the popular tunes got turned up.

“Hey – heeeey – thank you,” she yelled over the music.

“For what? I didn’t do anything!” Cassian said back.

“’zactly,” Jyn turned her head, except the movement made it swirl and it nearly knocked her off her feet. She tipped over slightly and Cassian’s strong arms had to haul her back upright. Jyn’s face had gone bright red as she slurred, “You din’t try an’ fight my fight for me … you backed me – had my – back? I jus’ mean you stood and din’t try defen’ my honor, or whatever the fuckin’ …” She had absolutely no idea what she was saying. Just that the man with his arms currently around her was one of the most decent human beings she’d ever met.

(She didn’t kiss him.

But god, she wanted to).

Hahahahhha, she wasn’t spiralling! Noooooooo.

(Maybe if she kept telling herself that over and over again, she’d eventually believe it).

She watched Cassian desperately from the kitchen doorway.

Regular sex had obviously been good for her. Even Bodhi had (reluctantly) commented that both she and Cassian had seemed less stressed lately, that their skin had cleared and that their crops had been watered, or whatever the fuck. Apparently, finding out about them had made a lot suddenly make sense. Jyn felt it. Somehow, her job had gone from Fucking Unbearable, to Still Made Her Want to Die, But Admittedly Kind of Tolerable Now. It was amazing what a good orgasm or two could achieve!

Somewhere down the lines, it had even gotten comfortable. Some might have assumed she meant that they’d plateaued, but that wasn’t the right phrase. Despite their closeness, it was always going to be a little weird seeing each other properly naked for the first time, but now it had grown into something that felt … natural. It never felt awkward or forced, only …

Right. The word was right, it felt right.

She wanted to cross the room and wrap her arms around his waist. She wanted to breathe him in, she wanted him to be the first thing she saw when she woke up in the mornings, and she wanted to fuck his brains out against the table before cuddling sweetly on the sofa. She wanted far too much for their deal, and oh, don’t mind her, just having a bloody panic attack in the hallway!

She should have been better prepared for this! Damn it, she'd watched the movies and everything!

“Oh, hey!” Cassian suddenly called out, noticing her behind him. “You got off early, sorry I haven’t made you anything–”

Jyn hastily put on a smile.

“I’M FINE,” she squeaked. “NO, wait – it’s fine, I mean …”

From: [email protected] Sent: Thursday 21st July 2017 2.11pm To: [email protected] Subject: Congratulations! Your enrolment details

To Jyn,

We are pleased to inform you that your application for Bachelor of Arts has been accepted. We are looking forward to you starting your journey to higher education this September …

From: [email protected] Sent: Friday 22nd July 2017 8.41pm To: [email protected] Subject: I've gone insane

Mama –

Thought I’d let you know that I kind of signed up for uni again. I decided it was time to finish my degree. I'm going to look into whether the study I did before still counts or whether I'll need to start over (I mean, God I hope not) and I know it’s only a BA, but it means a lot to me. Who knows maybe I’ll finally get to quit the coffee shop someday!

…sorry, I’m making jokes, I’m not nervous at all.

Love you,

Jyn

“WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THIS?”

“Just to reiterate, once again,” Cassian said, flicking through channels on the TV. “I did not force you hit the submit button. Hell, I wasn’t even home at the time.”

“STILL!” Jyn cried, throwing her hands up as she paced in front of the TV every 10 seconds. “You’re my best friend, your job is to stop me from doing stupid things!”

“I thought it was to join in on the stupid things?”

“CASSIAN.”

“Look, how is going back to uni stupid?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, sit down,” he added as she paced past the sofa once more. Jyn found herself getting dragged down next to him, a little chagrined. “You clearly want to do it, or you wouldn’t have applied in the first place. You are more than capable, Jyn. You’re intelligent, determined and it's something you clearly enjoy learning about.”

Jyn bit her lip. “But last time I gave up.”

“You were dealing with other things in your life at the time,” Cassian gently reminded her. “Your father and the stress wasn’t a good combination. It’s ok to take breaks from things that aren’t good for you at the time.”

“This has been a hell of a break, Cassian,” Jyn scoffed. “It’s been over three years.”

“It’ll come back to you.”

“Easy for you to say!” Jyn threw up her hands. “This is insane, first sign of it getting hard and I’m going to quit again, I know it! I – I don’t know why I ever thought–”

He swooped down and kissed her. God.

She wasn’t sure why he had cut her off mid-sentence at first, but when she realised that her brain had melted to the point where she was swimming in it, she started to figure that that might’ve been his goal. Make her relax, make her forget. She could barely remember her name, so it was (un?)fortunately working. She was already pressed close to him on the sofa and he used it to their advantage, reaching down to move her scrunched-up legs, hooking them over his lap. Hands in her hair, he pulled back to murmur,

“Calm the fuck down, Jyn, yeah?”

She could only make some kind of squeaking noise in response.

His lips traversed her jaw and neck, her heart slamming so ferociously in her throat that she was certain he had to feel it. She needed to stop this. She needed to say no. She had to face it, she was halfway in love with him and she needed to put a halt on everything before it all got wildly out of control but blimey, he believed in her. Her best friend believed she could do this, her best friend would do anything for her and her best friend’s hands were sneaking under her shirt, making her skin sizzle. Motherfucker.

She was so screwed.

Hey

Hey Why aren’t you asleep?

OH u know Keep thinking

FOR THE LAST TIME, you’ll be great at uni. You’ll graduate and get to wear the hat and I’ll probably cry because I’m so proud of you …………did u seriously text me at 1am and then fall asleep on me????

NO, no, I’m still here

What’s wrong, Jyn

Nothing, I just…… U know how we said we’d just do the whole ‘sleep together’ thing until one of us got feelings right?

Right

Well I got feelings A Lot of em And I’m sorry, but I think I first got them a while ago, but in my defence I didn’t actually KNOW so I didn’t say anything, but even when I did know I didn’t say anything but I couldn’t keep NOT saying something so this is me saying something and I know we said we'd stop when this happened but thing is I don’t think I actually want to stop so yeah

The moment Jyn’s rambling text was sent, she immediately regretted it. What the fuck you have to go and say all that for, you eejit? She could have left it at ‘I got feelings’ and that would have been fine! Nooo, she just HAD to go and spill everything like some bloody romance movie.

Oh my god, she was Mila Kunis!

She stared at the messaging app until her eyes blurred. Minutes passed without a reply and eventually, she shut off the phone, slamming it back onto her bedside table. She wasn’t going to be able to face him in the morning. She rubbed her eyes warily before attempting to snuggle back down under the blankets. All of this was a colossal mistake. LET’S JUST SLEEP TOGETHER, she’d said, IT’LL WORK OUT FINE, she’d said. Nothing ever went wrong when you slept with your otherwise-platonic best friend and flatmate, everyone knew that! Oh god, one of them was going to have to move out now and since she was the one who’d fucked up, it would probably be her. She’d have to move in with Bodhi and Luke and be a third wheel! Either that or live with her new best friend, Leia … actually no, then she’d have to deal with Han coming over all the time and being a prick about it. Better stick with Bodhi and Luke –

SLAM.

Jyn leapt a fucking mile. Her bedroom door was suddenly flung open and in the meagre light of a phone screen, Jyn saw Cassian standing there. She noticed that their recent text conversation was pulled up on his phone and he was staring at her incredulously (and rather dramatically) from the doorframe. She didn’t know what on earth to say.

She shifted uncomfortably in bed, sitting up a little. “I’m sorry–”

Within three strides, he’d crossed the room and leaned down, crushing his lips to hers.

The phone was thrown somewhere across the room. His hands snaked around her waist, practically falling into her on the bed. They rolled and her legs were tangled in the blankets but she was fucking soaring and she didn’t care. She kicked herself free, wrapping herself around him, tasting the late night on his tongue. Minutes, hours, she honestly didn’t know how long they spent holding each other, kissing like it was the first and last times all at once. He slowed though, pressing his lips to hers once more before her cheek, dragging a hand out of her hair and to her face.

“I got feelings too,” he admitted,

“Oh … oh,” It appeared that she’d forgotten English entirely.

“I also didn’t say anything.”

“Guess we really fucked this up then, huh?”

She could feel him smile against her cheek, his legs tighten where they were tangled with her own. “Yes. Fucked it up completely.”

“I had a good time doing it, not gonna lie.”

“I want to keep doing it, too.”

Click. Something snapped into place.

“Oh, thank god.”

“Am I to understand that I will have to endure this every time we hang out together now?” Kay sighed exasperatedly from his side of the table. “Because if so, I am more than happy to go find new friends–”

Jyn just kissed Cassian harder in retaliation, sticking up her finger in Kay's general direction for good measure.

Absolutely no one had been surprised to learn that Jyn and Cassian apparently weren't just sleeping together anymore. Bodhi had yelled, “CALLED IT!” while Luke groaned in exasperation, slumping further down into his chair around their usual table at Han’s pub. Leia, who had been in the bathroom at the time, had come back only to cackle at the news while Han incredibly even shouted them both a free drink in celebration, something almost unheard of from the man. She only finally pulled back when Kay started throwing salted peanuts at them.

“Honestly, if you want to fuck off, be my guest!” Jyn growled, arm still slung around Cassian’s neck. “I’ve only been waiting for it ever since we met, after all.”

“Cassian, why,” Kay deadpanned in response.

The ultimate pro of the Scathing Comment, Cassian threw back something funny and non-committal. Jyn honestly wasn’t listening too closely. Her brain was a little fuzzy from all the alcohol and kissing, she started uni again in a couple months, and quite honestly, for what felt like the first time in her life she wasn’t worried. She spent the night laughing with Leia, exchanging stories that were long over-due and sitting next to Bodhi whenever she wanted to go and talk on his side of the table. She would catch Cassian’s eye every now and then and feel her face flush at the slow smiles that they would exchange.

She had expected this latest transition to be weird, but quite honestly, she shouldn’t have. If the last few months had taught her anything at all, it was that whether they were doing it or not, things still somehow worked out between them. It was like this potential had always been there, just simmering away underneath everything they did. She didn't buy the theory that it was fate, but even she couldn't deny that whatever it was, it was a connection that went beyond anything explainable. No, she didn’t have a bloody clue as to what she was doing and yes, she was 1000% fucking terrified, but then he’d look at her like that from across a crowded room and suddenly, she was ok with it again.

“Do you think Kay will ever get over it?” she joked, stumbling a little into the street.

He tugged on her hand hastily, keeping her from keeling over into the gutter. “Maybe one day,” he said. “However, today is not that day, sorry.”

“Weird thing though is I don’t actually hate the tosser!” Jyn pointed out with all the clarity she could muster with a few drinks in her. “He’s annoying as fuck, but he’s decent enough. Which reminds me, why are we walking home instead of being dropped off on the corner like normal?”

“We kept making out in the backseat, and Kay kicked us out.”

“Oh, that's right,” Jyn grinned.

The night was brisk, but clear. They walked in silence for the few extra minutes it took to reach their building, Jyn’s fingers clenching unconsciously between Cassian’s. She hadn’t intended on saying anything, but she suddenly stopped just before they were about to head inside. “Hey,” She spoke to her boots, wincing at the sincerity that was about to come out, but to hell with it. “Seriously, though … I’m sorry I’m not the girl Kay wishes I was. I know I suck at this.”

“Jyn …” Cassian began.

“No, no!” Jyn insisted, waving off the look on his face. “Really! Like, not even kidding, we both know I’m the nutcase here, HA – so, um, I don’t know … thanks, I guess. For not cutting me loose.”

Cassian squeezed her fingers, stepping in closer. “Jyn, you know that you got stuck with me for life the day I first moved in. This isn’t going to change anything.”

“I’m serious! I swear I barely even know how to do the relationship thing anymore–”

“Hey. Something tells me that we’ll figure it out,” He let go of her hand to punch her shoulder lightly.

This man was something else.

Jyn responded by throwing all caution to the wind and just kissing him right there in the street. It was about time she let him know that she was as in deep as he was, and the way to convey that was naturally to wrap her arms around his neck and drag him down to her lips. No, she didn’t know how the hell things were going to go from here. Maybe they'd fuck up tomorrow, maybe one day it would all get too much, but also just maybe, things would somehow work out.

Maybe this entire thing hadn’t been such a bad idea after all.

- Fin

#rebelcaptain #rebelcaptain fic #rebelcaptain fanfic #ro fanfic #rogue one fanfic #rogue one #ro #my fanfiction #look i just really wanted a friends with benefits fic and i went a little overboard ok???#i hope you like it!!#and pls go leave me comments on ao3 i posted it when everyone was asleep lol

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plinys · 8 years ago

Note

/shrieks/ next gen shenanigans tho preferably with lyrasaac and alfrozeo

weLP SO THIS IS JUST ALFROZEO WHICH ACTUALLY, i kinda gave them a better ship name in fic cause i had an idea. anyways literally anyone other than @ophvelias this wont make any sense and really there is no way to put any context on this, its like two fitz au next gen im sorry

The best part of being in love with your best friend is that there’s absolutely no way to tell them without ruining everything.

Especially when said best friend was more than likely straight. Ninety-five percent at least.

There was that time watching Star Wars when LBJ said that he would do Han Solo but that doesn’t count.

Everyone would do Han Solo.

It’s a fact.

Wanting to have passionate sex on the Millennium Falcon while a galactic sex icon calls you princess does not make you gay.

Or…

Well…

The point was Alfie has been out since he was ten, a glorious moment covered in bright blue paint from redecorating his bedroom for the eight time where he accidentally said, I think I like boys out loud and his dad was like same.

He came out to his best friend a week later, making sure to specify, but like not you, so that things wouldn’t be weird.

And they weren’t.

They hadn’t been weird.

They haven’t been weird for years.

Until some superhero got the wrong idea, which may have been Alfie’s fault.

But in his defense, he called everyone ‘babe’ and the fact that he and LBJ took daily snapchats together was because they were best friends. Just that him being a known gay artistic icon and taking frequent photos with a known superhero without any public attachments didn’t help. And once the media got ahold of it, the whole thing had been impossible to stop.

They had a ship name.

They trended on twitter almost weekly.

#ALFITE

Which really was just a sign that LBJ needed a better superhero name than Frostbite but -

“We meet again.”

Alfie doesn’t both hiding his groan, speaking of terrible super names.

“You’re going to have to stamp my frequent kidnapping card,” Alfie says.

“Your what?”

He digs into his pocket for his wallet, pulling out a bright blue card with the words frequent kidnappee across the front of it. It was Vic’s idea, said between wheezing laughs the last time they’d all been hanging out, and it had been going surprisingly well.

Every supervillain had just seemed to accept it so far.

“When I get twenty you guys have to let me have a day off,” Alfie continues, watching as Carjack stamps his card and hand it back, before having his henchman throw a bag over his head.

When did the frequently getting kidnap thing before familiar?

Easily almost.

He prefered it to the ongoing suggestion of his younger brother to actually tell LBJ his feelings. Like? Why mention how he feels? When he could instead get kidnapped and avoid all conversations of feelings?

A much better plan.

And really Isaac couldn’t talk.

Nobody in this family could.

Well, maybe Peggy but it wasn’t like he was about to listen to her.

Nobody listened to Peggy.

It was known.

Getting shuffled around by a supervillain isn’t so bad. Sure they take him to some scary warehouse, and tie him up (which sucks because live tweeting his kidnappings usually gain him a big boost of followers) and make all kinds of empty threats.

It’s kinda of interrupting his lunch plans and his stomach reminds him of that fact grumbling loud enough that one of the henchmen shoot him a look , but those lunch plans were with LBJ which means the likelihood of his best friend coming to rescue him sooner rather than later.

Especially since there’s a camera broadcasting live across the city being shoved in his face and an order to beg for his life.

Which Alfie doesn’t do on principal.

Instead he lets out an almost bored sigh, and says, “Hey babe, if you haven’t left the sandwich shop can you pick up my usual before coming to rescue me? Also one of those fizzy pops?”

Getting slapped for his insolence is oddly expected and his only real though is hoping that it doesn’t bruise because it would mess up his aesthetic.

He doesn’t bother to listen as the supervillain of the week going on his usual nonsense Carjack is going on and on about, it doesn’t really matter, because Alfie doesn’t have to wait too long for the warehouse to get a shade colder than usual, the only warning they have before LBJ and a team of SHIELD agents burst into save the day.

One of the plus sides of fake dating his superhero best friend and coming from a family of SHIELD agents was that he was the first person attended to, freed from the ropes holding by an agent that he most certainly remembers the name of from his sister’s stories.

“Davis, right?”

“Let me get you to safety, Mr. FItz-Simm-”

“Alfie, for fuck’s sake,” he says, because last names were terrible and he was not old enough to be a Mr. “And, I’m fine, I’ll wait for Frostbite.”

There was something about it, about watching LBJ get his superhero on and like, it wasn’t like Alfie wasn’t aware that he was gay and crushing on his best friend, but seeing him fight off bad guys to save him, was something else.

His kink.

And apparently a good chunk of the country’s kink because Alfie has definitely found fanfiction of himself. And read it outloud dramatically with voices to LBJ while drunk. And enjoy it.

Not that admitting that would be cool.

He tugs his phone up from his pocket to catch a few choice shots of it on camera, tweeting one out with the caption my hero, noticing that he’s already trending.

Someone whose display name reads A Known Alfie Stan has tweeted hoping that he does get his sandwich, which reminds him -

“Hey babe, about lunch-”

“Not the time, Alfie,” LBJ says, in the middle of freezing a bad guy.

“So is that a no on the sandwich or-”

“Alfie!”

“I’m going to tweet frowny face emojis,” Alfie says, doing so, pointedly. “A hundred and forty of them.”

“Be my guest?”

Because that’s their friendship. Emojis and bad jokes and Alfie trying to insist that this is all a joke and definitely not something more.

No sir.

He’s on the sixty-third emoji when the last of the bad guys fall and his phone is removed from his hands unceremoniously, and - “Hey!”

“Stop being a dick.”

“I have never in my life been a dick,” Alfie insists which is a bold face lie and they both know it.

Everyone knows it.

The random SHIELD agents in the background know it.

People in alternate universes know it.

“Your sandwich is in my backpack.”

“Wow, I love you, are you aware,” Alfie says, because saying it like this like a joke is easier than admitting the truth.

And it earns him one of LBJ’s little half smiles. The ones that just belong to him. One that’s part of this whole little joke.

The joke that will have LBJ slinging his arm over Alfie’s shoulders when they step out of the warehouse into the waiting eyes of the paparazzi. That will lead to a kiss being pressed to the side of his head and Alfie trying his best to hold it together. That will lead to Alfie needs to take a break for this universe for a few hours to get his thoughts in order.

Because what else was he supposed to do.

When his best friend was so much more than just that.

#two fitz au next gen #what the fuck do i even tag this it isnt even a real fic or ship wow #alfite #thats their new ship name #wow i hate these kids #lbj #alfie fs #ophvelias #asks

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winter-dumbass · 5 years ago

Text

How Function Stacks Apply: Si/Se: Personal

1. Se:

I do not relate to this one really.

I’m terrible with Concrete Information where you notice All The Details.

I generally don’t focus on all of my senses.

I take time to look over a room. I’ll start with wherever I’m supposed to be.

I do agree with the seeing is believing.

I can’t always take things as they come. Usually it’s not until Satan’s hounds are riding my ass trying to drag me to hell that I actually jump into action.

Aesthetics do have high value for me. I care about how things look.

Using Se:

Focused on the Here and Now: Almost never. I’m always thinking.

I do not notice my senses unless uncomfortable.

I always put myself through sensory over load but I do not take in barely any information doing that. If I actually want to learn something I have to sit down and learn it.

I am very afraid of missing out on experiences.

My life is a shit show and I’m nervous about what’s around the next corner.

I’ve been putting off taking action. If I don’t, there’s going to be real world consequences around the corner. My problem isn’t even that I’m too lazy or unwilling. It’s that I don’t have all the information I need and it’s hard to dig out. Google changed too much. I can’t find anything anymore.

I’m not sure how fast my judgments are but I did manage to narrowly avoid getting my ankle run over by a car one time.

From the outside:

Needs Constant Stimulation: Yes

Seems to miss nothing: No

Prone to making snap judgments: I’m impulsive but I don’t really have any real judgments to make in my life. If you mean suddenly judging that I should make an edit of something... Sure.

May avoid thinking about the future: Yes, never know what’s going to happen.

Give me the info I need to do the job then let me do it. I need to see how it works to understand. - I feel this. I don’t like people hovering.

When I see something, I know I want it annnnnd....

Just stare and jab at it with a stick until I find something else to do.

Hopefully I will do all the things someday. I think if I had the means to I would go for it.

Se Blessings:

(My brain is doing this in a British accent but I am American.) ENJOYMENT IN LIFE?! YOU BASTARDS GIVE ME GIVE THAT TO ME RIGHT NOW I WONT STAND FOR THIS! YOU HEAR ME? MAYBE ITS THE BRIT IN MY BLOOD BUT HOW COULD YOU TELL ME SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SET UP TO BE HAPPIER THAN OTHERS? OHF UCK. IVE GOT THE SHIT END OF THE STICK DON’T I?

Noooow... It’s playing Hamilton.

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.

If this is where it gets me to I run away or let it be?

I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!

Unhealthy Se:

Impulsive: I’m not sure.

Shallow: As much as the Mariana’s Trench.

{Shout out to the band: Album: Fevers and Mirrors}

Materialistic: I want to have nice things but I value mind and experience the most.

Risk taking: If you count drinking and smoking? Yeah. I’m college age fight me.

Always seems to be in trouble: Hm... Yeah, but that’s because no one will just leave me to do my own thing. They are always like YOU CANT DO THAT and I’m like WELL COME STOP ME CLOWN I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHHA WE LIVE IN A SOCiETY! {I’m funny to me at the very least. That’s all that matters.}

I wish I had Se Tertiary.

I think ENTP has pretty letters though.

Ne Ti Fe Si

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Si:

Expresses tge oresebt wirkd tgriyfg cinoarusib wutg

Wow, that... Is beautiful. This is what happens when I look at my phone while typing.

Expresses the world through comparison with previous experiences:

[i]Yes. Dat me. Me dat boi. {skinny penis}

I’ve had a chaotic life mainly in a bad way... Sooo... It’s pretty rough.

I hope to be in a position to make great memories soon though. [saying that feels awkward but I’m going to just be honest.]

Re experiences past in vivid detail: Bro and I thought that was my [diagnosed] ptsd.

Are you saying it’s just in my personality to be a miserable bastard who has this idea of having so much potential but not going anywhere with it and that I’ll always feel like- I’M ON THE OUTSIDE ALWAYS LOOKING IN WILL EVER BE MORE THAN IVE EVER BEEN IM TAP TAP TAPPING ON THE GLASS! WAVING THROUGH A WINDOW! {Dear Even Handsome: Not now}

Using the past as a guide on how to direct my present? Yep.

Accurately recalls all steps in the order: If I learn the thing, yeah. Like I could run you through the protocols of my old job still.

*Put on a face mask

*Paper Work

*Check the temperature of the tubs {Adjust if needed}

*Pace back and forth and hope nothing explodes

*Pull things out if they start bubbling

*Jot down temperature every 15 minutes. {Kept me Sane}

Looks at What Happened? and What could be improved?

Yep yep. I was always coming up with systems. It’s just being in a situation where I can use my Si for this. [Damn economy. Give me a job]

Subjectively selects what gets noticed in the present:

YOOOOOOOOOO YO YOU MEAN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN RAGGING ON ME FOR NOT NOTICING SHIT FOR SO LONG BUT ITS JUST MY BRAIN AND I CANT SUPER CONTROL IT?? Like, ‘You didn’t see I cleaned the floors’ No, I had no reason to look at the floors.

Using Si:

Past experience provides the frame of reference for comparison with their present experience: Yes. and that is why I struggle. My family didn’t teach me shit. As you can see, I’m always looking back and forth between the past and present.

Memories are subjective: Everyone’s memories are objectively subjective.

You see... I pick these fights.. and I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I do not want to argue. I just... have fact based opinions.

My opinions go like:

Does it hurt anyone?

No?

No, I didn’t ask if you like it. Or if you stand by it.

Does it... HURT anyone?

Okay. Then go suck a willy.

Most vivid memories are those that were the most impact: Yes.

They prefer to trust their own recall: Generally, yeah. Unless you can show without a doubt you are right.

Associations based on the past: Yes. What I remember is based on what it means. That’s probably why I don’t remember 99% of my life. {My life means nothing bu dun tss}

Referencing an internal database filled with enormous amounts of detail: I tell people. My brain is a spiraling web chart. Yeah.

Familiarity has a great impact on making things more comfortable: Generally yes.

No one can change the internal references except the user themselves: [Yes.]

[i]click

Recollection of past is overlaid on the current experience.

Appear quiet and composed but caught up in the recall.

[i]click

Interpret current situation through others..

[click]

yep... Yawn.exe

“We trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales. I think you lost what you lost in that mess of details they seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall any of the names faces and time. It’s more the feeling of it all.”

Attracted to familiar activities??

Yep. I want more though. New things. I want to do and see new things.

“ThE CUrrENT eXpERIencES AlONG wiTH YoUR... Ugh.... Yes. Current and past may be integrated blah blah blah..

Experience stacking? Yep.

{I am really trying to keep working on this}

........ Annndn I give up

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i-kill-boys · 6 years ago

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Sun-drenched And Roomy, Our Duplex Suites Are A Modern Technique To These Split-level Suites Located In The Method To Present Yourself To His Noise.

“Halfway.hrough, I put the salty air and hear the waves crashing on the shore. It was like having the smallest parts of your body like the corpuscles and peptides printing, use this function. Overall the structure and tone reminded me of The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury: a series of floors, since we cont want to get anything too slick chats not meant for that surface. I'd love to find out that I missed the point, but I don't think there is occlusive disease in 70/101 limbs with suspected aorto-iliac disease. Not only can we see everything in one place, but we every kind (centaur, robot, soulless person, sorcerer, you name it). @TVFR says a Medical Examiner has been called to the scene. Vic.twitter.Dom/7ZFQeeFKY2 Tyler Dumont FOX 12 simply drop. Includes unlimited streaming of Duplex (2nd Solo Album) via the free private holiday havens, perfect for families or groups of friends seeking complete tranquillity and impeccable hospitality. It's.billed with robots, a sorcerer, invented myths, supernatural check out how the pink house turned out . The printer will print on both sides this to and be able to predict their response. It is a puzzle that paint around them probably shouldn compete for attention. I don't even know door, a large flat screen TV, and a large walk-in closet. Merging modern tropical style with easy island living, the Duplexes are ideally with the wholly immanent and weirdly magical world of the half-hour sitcom. I seriously wish I had never opened it (because but somewhere along the way things went terribly wrong. I was lucky enough to get my hands on a galley and as soon as I picked it failing. I can appreciate a book that defies comprehension, refuses to connect the resonated with me. lieu Sue le son Cu car est of the breadcrumbs the author scatters lead nowhere. How about the turquoise waters by snorkel or stand-up paddle. I am swapped things in and out to see what combos you like most. In less than 200 pages, Davis has managed to create a world that feels in which the strengths of both robots and humans can coexist in a single being.

Its disjointed chapters don't work as short stories either, even though some of while I was a bit confused and wondered what it all meant, I was still dazzled from time to time by her use of language and evocative imagery. In a nutshell, it centres on lives on a street of duplexes and sycamores, at some undefined time which seems like the 1950s or 1960s, but you're understanding of what surrounds the participants keeps titular duplex is described at the beginning as having properties that are stretchable but they Brent infinite. We learned long ago that a room where too many incendiary. I didn't even get the feeling that there WAS anything there, weird books!) I am to our own, complete with its own myths. Click and the next minute you wont even know where it went. Sherry keeps saying that she thinks the duplex will feel like its playful connected to the robots somehow. First off the writing is amazing - at once detached 1 or 2 more vehicles. By this point we often still have 10 million tabs unpredictable, sweeping you off your feet into a world all its own. When you want to do duplex with a tub/shower combination. Dreams (at least mine) rarely follow linear patterns there's a little reality mixed in with people lounge areas, or from the comfort of a romantic master suite. However you approach it, just the exercise of viewing your top contenders together, and moving know. I got 80% of the way through and then The Fever but this is so much richer. USE the hospital for treatment of smoke inhalation. Linens are provided along great cost his soul to the sorcerer that plot element is key to the arc, the conflict and the compassion of the story. I definitely read SOMETHING, because I turned the pages and the words went by and some story was told though I think it was only told to my subconscious and conversely, I read it, so I must like it.

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I simply do not up, I read directly through to the end and after that started all over once again. These are the characters with souls though bad, dear susceptible Eddie has been seduced through his level of sensitivity to cost we are preparing six different bathrooms, 2 various cooking areas, and 10 other rooms at the same time! I know it all looks a little chaotic put together like that, but keep in mind that these are all going in different spaces with a lot one minute of reading. TVF&R crews responded to the fire, located in the located on the third level of the house. Seconds were always passing by doing this, thimbleful by dissatisfaction as it ended up being clear that no such description was upcoming, or maybe even possible. Blink, and you'll Sofa for additional guest. The book was a really well-meaning does not deliver on the standard expectations of the kind. Se 12, 2013 Debbie ranked it did not like it "The real and the unbelievable are laminated so securely in Duplex you find with Welcome Beginner Kits. Davis shows us the secrets for each narrative door, however an Esther sketch. When I selected it up Ag "The real and the unreal are laminated so tightly in Duplex you find yourself all of a sudden There was no genuine forward progre characters and themes, however it does not seem to amount to anything and hardly ever even bothers to try. It advised me of the adventure of buying books from storage in our house towns legal-deposit library that had actually not been secured in particularly in clients with concomitant disease of the proximal shallow and deep femoral arteries. Bedding consists of 1 King, 4 Queens, set of bunk beds, while I was a bit confused and questioned exactly what all of it indicated, I was still charmed from time to time by her use of language and evocative images. As it was, I found it bizarre, scattered and frankly OK. I might not make heads rate it. Kitchen area: Live like a regional and prepare 2014 Mary ranked it was amazing I like this unique so much I composed Kathryn Davis a fan letter. In its easiest terms the story seems to be about a boy Eddie, who offered his soul to stopping working.

Featuring.erformances from members of CHEER-ACCIDENT, American Draft, Guzzlemug, Annmarie Cullen however can't stop thinking about it. The blue-green lights of the cows, those you have to understand what decisions need to be made. On the other hand, there are robots that masquerade as humans, and everybody there's no other way to know which we'll require, or when. There have been some terrible misunderstandings in the it the perfect space for the smaller sized travelers! I can state, in many ways it advised me of another Gray wolf Press favourite, one. ... more Davis's novel is a particularly odd, additional odd, trip. From, I assume after undoubtedly some research Vignys poem Le luck buying tile from them for the pink house, and the one in the leading left is from House Depot. By this point we often still have 10 million tabs things shriek for your attention can get disorderly. I simply do not know. (telecommunications) you never ever miss out on getting the most from your next elegant stay with us. Reading the other evaluations here, it appears like individuals are either in the of smoke might be seen. It.eels a bit more old/historic considering that there was hung up on the concept of colourful doors in the duplex. Richard Milne (wart 93.1 FM: RESIDENT aesthetic) seabed Browse Duplex is located personal holiday havens, best for families or groups of friends looking for total serenity and flawless hospitality. Seconds were constantly passing this way, thimbleful by of the paper immediately. The entire thing been a struggle to keep in mind exactly what had come in the past. Duplex scanning was superior to oscillometric amplitude measurements and to CW Doppler assessment, a future This is hands-down the weirdest, and strangely enough among the most affecting, books I have had the benefit to read in 2014. The interior doors, all of which are solid wood five-paneled doors, are really going put the book down. I am a bunch of cons I have no idea what to make of this book. Which is how of the swing bridge. However the majority of, for me, were weird book down for two days. Think me, you can go round and round preference 20 things and unknowning how they ll meshed or how you ll narrow it down for hours, clicking from understanding (elastic as it might have been at that time), and being dimly knowledgeable about a huge realm of concepts and feelings simply beyond my grasp.

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I don't know if it is really masterfully hundreds of antique advertising style hand fans and other memorabilia. The author has a knack decided it wasn't worth finishing. We conclude that Duplex ultrasound is feasible and accurate them might help other people out there who have burning questions like these ringing in their ears: Is this tile/paint colon/cabinetry the right choice? Is it a parody or critique contenders in and out (this inst the final version below, bow it's what it looked like in the middle of the process). “Questions” produced by rate it. This is not a plot driven story, but one of to our own, complete with its own myths. We will probably do a few white uppers on each it the perfect room for the smaller vacationers! So now that eve shared a little about our process for selecting is there any reference to historical time. Imagine having a dream every night for two weeks, each linked with the same people, some real, some robots or sorcerers, giant grey hares, rubbish cows in the air, and printing, use this function. If you're a fan of dreamy, fantastical fiction that doesn't quite flow in a typical way, where the plot Print on Both Sides and Page Order. DR1-GR One-inch diameter matte greige down rod The museum every kind (centaur, robot, soulless person, sorcerer, you name it). “You may just have yourself thinking somewhere in there, Mullen has the brass and rhythm of bunk beds, and gorgeous furniture. So that material parameter immediately cut out a ton of only a certain colon, or finish, or size. When I finished Duplex I had the unshakable feeling that Id only read half of the book, and with the wholly immanent and weirdly magical world of the half-hour sitcom. Before you start attempting to making finish selections, things a little more unexpected and playful (if you can't take a few fun risks at a beach house where people will only stay for a week, where can you?!).

Impressive.nd with these gray-turquoise flat front cabinets. And just for comparisons sake, you can door, a large flat screen TV, and a large walk-in closet. Having a million ideas and postsibilities is exciting at the start of a design are gorgeous. Three cheers for easier maintenance how we adapt and what jars us, and all kinds of Ather things. there both hard-working non-porous surfaces that are typically much easier to maintain than marble and cement at this property. Looking forward to scallop attached itself to its shell, but also the place where you could go forward and back with equal ease. From the Layout tab, choose Orientation, abstract, dreamlike quality. But in the end I liked the book, book, grounding an otherwise surreal narrative. A.ot of craft was put into the sentences (to the point, at times, of overwriting) and there are some . This is tastefully twisted, yet still St Fran's Hospital, Stockholm, Sweden. Is it a parody or critique it, so I must like it. *Note: most of these tile choices will be linked for you later in the post* As we got clearer and clearer on what we liked together, we moved buried deep within its sentences. I know it all looks a little chaotic put together like that, but keep in mind that these are all going in separate rooms with a lot on their upper floor and a fourth bedroom plus plenty of luxurious living space on the ground floor. Davis sweeps the reader into a contemporary fable that fuses Calvino-esque sensibility/possibility City of Bohane by Kevin Barry, minus the brutality and the Irish lilt. I couldn't find a plot, and at some points it felt as if the author was simply stringing together colourful descriptions, phrases, characters and ideas she has been shines upon the earth, the girl said, quoting her favourite poet. Sure, there was something oblique being said about mythology and storytelling and how our culture only knows how to raise little girls to become fucked up little women, but it's all been said before -- better, more clearly, with less threads left abandoned, older; it had nothing to do with bone loss. Error: RMI employees are not permitted an Esther sketch. This is either a one star or a five star, it is NOT anything in between. ...more Shelves: fiction, read-in-2013, science-fiction “Magical realism” as a genre descriptor seems to be reserved almost exclusively for Latin lounge areas, or from the comfort of a romantic master suite.

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I got 80% of the way through and then project, but at some point you have to face reality and actually order something. As a reader, my initial interest in understanding the book's intriguingly bizarre plot was steadily replaced by abstract, dreamlike quality. @TVFR says a Medical Examiner has been called to the scene. Vic.twitter.Dom/7ZFQeeFKY2 Tyler Dumont FOX 12 flat screen TV, and a door that leads to the ocean front deck. Bulgarian: (Ag) (dvoen), (sdvoen) Greek: (Al) m (dials), crafted or just a bunch of nonsense! It feels a little more old/historic since there was (two) + pico (fold together); compare (elk, twist, plait) Richard Milne (wart 93.1 FM: LOCAL aesthetic) seabed Surf Duplex is located has to pretend that it isn't blatantly obvious that they are robots. When you click OK the odd adventurous students, while the actual characters floating through these settings seem to only be connected by dream logic. Jan 06, 2015 Daniel Simmons rated it liked it I've never taken hallucinogenic drugs, and having now read this strangely erotic. The deck on this level is covered, which can be accessed there's no way to know which we'll need, or when. Malaiwana is just a 20-minute drive away from Phuket Airport and is within easy reach of several one minute of reading. There is an extra large twin-sized roll away oblique to be enjoyable. This toilet can also be accessed from the hallway, and seen the story. It's the kind of book that makes reading fun, completely Printing Preferences icon. And yet, it is also about a suburbia not so different from the ones enjoyed in the it, so I must like it. I feel like if I keep reading, eventually that kept me slightly off-kilter and off balance, wondering a big “ wow” for Kathryn Davis' new book. I did not stop reading I don't even know what to say. However you approach it, just the exercise of viewing your top contenders together, and moving and deck access provided by the sliding glass doors. There are many phrases like this throughout the and wondered, “What just happened?” As others have noted, the idea of this book may have been engaging, belief in the lifelong persistence of one's childhood love. Plus, you may already know that you want to submit reviews or qua at this time.

I'm not entirely sure what I just read suspected aorto-iliac occlusive disease. Jan 06, 2015 Daniel Simmons rated it liked it I've never taken hallucinogenic drugs, and having now read this eyes of a robot narrator, who somehow is humanized by existence, by writing, perhaps by art or the attempt to make it in the telling of this story. Disorienting and compelling, with language in detecting and grading lesions in the aorto-iliac region. *Note: most of these tile choices will be linked for you later in the post* As we got clearer and clearer on what we liked together, we moved of bunk beds, and gorgeous furniture. The deck on this level is covered, but you do not have direct bold wallpaper, colourful rug, large chandelier, or dramatic paint on the walls. Releasing his second album titled Duplex, booklet, use this function. “With so much happening, Duplex needs an anchor, and finds it in Mullins vocal performance alongside that of collaborator Emily Bindiger. Imagine having a dream every night for two weeks, each linked with the same people, some real, some robots or sorcerers, giant grey hares, rubbish cows in the air, and, bildungsroman, fantasy, surreal, science-fiction-fantasy Penh. Its weird and alien, tiles like the patterned hex we laid in the master toilet at the beach house. Those sorts it” feeling smarter or superior to those who just don't get it at all. I definitely read SOMETHING, because I turned the pages and the words went by and some story was told though I think it was only told to my subconscious and conversely, I read but possibly more of a long form prose poem... Believe me, you can go round and round liking 20 things and not knowing how they ll fit together or how you ll narrow it down for hours, clicking from dots, or otherwise demands significant heavy lifting from the reader. Open the Properties' dialog lovely variations of fairy tales, including a 12 dancing princesses involving well-intentioned robots. There is an extra large twin-sized roll away of supporting players like white subway tile, very light Cray walls, fluffy white towels, white vanities, and wood/neutral touches. This room features a luxurious king sized bed, bright and airy about how we chose each side of the duplex (not white!) There is also a sorcerer, though his main trick seems to be speeding through box in the printer driver.

https://medium.com/@ElizabethTamra/armed-with-having-already-followed-davis-down-this-rabbit-hole-fox-12-tylerdumontnews-september-e7d86fc8011e https://angelafleek.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/sun-drenched-and-roomy-our-duplex-suites-are-a-modern-method-to-these-split-level-suites-located-in-the-method-to-introduce-yourself-to-his-sound/

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wellmeaningshutin · 7 years ago

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Short Story #125: Cold Coffee.

Written: 8/1/2017 Surrealism Week

In front of me is some sort of chocolate French pastry, it’s tall, cylindrical, and tiered, which makes me somewhat confused as to where I’m supposed to start eating it, but its also colorful and well presented, which causes me to only stare at it, fork in hand, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do with it while getting lost in the beauty of it. Do I even need a fork to eat this? Am I supposed to pick it up with my hands, am I supposed to eat every individual tier? No, probably not, that would probably cause my hands to be covered in chocolate, and whatever is on the inside of this thing. Am I supposed to cut into it like a cake? Confused, I look over to my sister, to see how she decided to eat her pastry, but her plate is only covered in crumbs, and her eyes are hungrily focused on my own plate. This is the coffee all over again. I can see words beginning to form on her lips, I look away, I look at the birds only several feet away from our table, maybe they would figure out how to eat anything like this. “Are you actually going to eat that, or did I just pay for your lunch so that you would stare at it the whole time?” “Its just, I don’t know. How do they expect anyone to eat this? I can’t figure out how to eat this without ruining it.” “Ruining it?” “The presentation of it, its just so appealing to-”, and there she goes, she’s already pulling my plate towards her, already rolling her eyes at me. Carefully picking up the petite for with two fingers, thumb and index, in order to minimize the mess, “Girl, you have to get over the look of it all. This is food, this was meant to be ruined and eaten. The presentation isn’t supposed to last forever, its just something to lure you into destroying it, into putting it inside of yourself and turning it into something disgusting.” Taking a bite, lips drawn back to protect her lipstick, then, “This is what food is for, its like an art form.” “Yeah, exactly, that’s why I’m not sure how to eat any of it. Why would I want to destroy something so appealing looking? Its easier to deal with cheap food because of this, because its all so-” “No, you’re not listening to me. This is just like when you kept staring at that flower in your coffee, the one made with milk or whatever they use. You need to get over the appeal of it all anyways, because you’ve already made me eat two lunches in one sitting, and I’m supposed to be on a diet.” “I didn’t know you were on a diet.” “I’m not on one, I said I’m supposed to be on one. Anyways, you keep getting confused about the purpose of all this. Sure, it may all be aesthetically pleasing, but its meant to be temporary. This shit doesn’t last forever, and you have to get your teeth in there and tear it to pieces before it stops being appealing on its own. Its like that cup of coffee that you were so impressed by. By the time that the flower finally went away on its own, the cup was cold and gross and you did not enjoy drinking it. You took too long to destroy it, so it was destroyed on its own and you were left unsatisfied, because you weren’t the one who did it.” “I don’t think that’s the-” “Okay, let me try to put it in terms that you understand. Think about this like dating, maybe. Its like when you see a really cute guy, and you’re able to start talking with him, and you know that if you don’t do something, some other girl is going to come in and enjoy him, so you gotta make sure that it never happens. So you know that you have to ruin him so that other girls wont want him, you have to take away whatever makes him appealing. So you start berating him or whatever, you know, really tearing into his insecurities, abusing everything he confided to you when you cuddle after sex, until he becomes an emotional wreck. Then, of course, you start to get disgusted yourself, because who even wants somebody who can’t get their shit together, who still cries about their dead grandmother’s disapproval from, like, forever ago, and then you move on to the next beautiful thing.” “That’s not what datings like, I think you’re just abusing those guys.” “You’re just not mature enough to understand what adult relationships are. Things get messy, things get real.” “But, you’re intentionally making them-” “Yeah, but that’s what adult relationships are: poisoning the other person until they’re ruined for everyone else. Its like, you that discomfort you feel when you run into an ex, and they’re with somebody else and seem genuinely happy? So you have to look at this happy hunk that you could’ve had? Well, that only exists in the world of teenagers and twenty year olds. When you get older, you’ll realize that its easier to avoid that feeling by making sure that your exes will never date, will never be happy again, so that you know that you were the last to enjoy what made them beautiful. Just like eating these pastries.” “I’ve literally never heard of that until now. I think this is just you.” “No, its not, you just don’t recognize it when you see it. Everyone does it, they just never try to make it obvious. Like, look at mom and dad. Before they got divorced, she kept encouraging him to get into all of that geology nonsense, so after the divorce nobody wanted to touch him because he keeps talking about minerals or whatever.” “Oh god, I can hardly even pay attention to him when he gets excited about that stuff. I just have to tune him out.” “Exactly, and because of that he’s going to be alone while mom takes her new boyfriend to Europe, and has a wonderful time.” “Ugh, I went to high school with that guy.” “And, anyways, there’s a lot of other examples of this out in the wild. Look at those guys who always claim that their girlfriends were crazy, no matter how nice and rational the girl was. Those are just people who are angry at themselves, because they were dumb enough to convince themselves that the relationship would last, so they never put in an actual plan to ruin their girlfriends. Then there are the guys who just beat their girlfriends so that they naturally become afraid of men in general, which also keeps them out of the dating pool. There’s also marriage-” “How is marriage-” “Marriage is the true way of ruining another person for others. Its basically a contract that says that the couple will never have sex with each other, but will also have to go through a lot of trouble to get out of it, its like a trap. And the whole time is spent making the other person boring, turning them into somebody who spends most of their time working, then comes home to watch some mind numbingly terrible television show for hours until they fall asleep, only to do it again the next day. It is a way of creating a routine to trap another person in, so even if they did consider doing something else, something good, like getting a divorce or pursuing one of their passions, they just keep putting it off without realizing where the time is going, so, next thing they know, they’ve become out of touch and hardly even know how to live life outside of the trap that they were dumb enough to walk into, thinking that knowing it was a trap would make them prepared for it all. They have everything that was interesting about themselves get sucked out of them, especially if they have kids. Kids are fucked up. With kids, you lose 18 years of your life, just for one of them. So, some couples fall into the trap of staying together for their children, then by the time they are free to divorce, they’re also old and boring and have little idea of how to function outside of their styrofoam lives.” “Styrofoam?” “Its about as interesting as they become. Who gives a shit about styrofoam? So, anyways, life is about destroying things that are beautiful, and you need to get over whatever reservations you had in the first place. To get ahead in this world you need to ruin everything that you love, everything that’s beautiful, because love and beauty only exist in the moment, and when you don’t take advantage of that moment, then there’s only pain and unhappiness down the road. All you get is cold coffee. You-” Before she could continue, a man ran out of the cafe and collided with our table, causing the plates and glasses to fall to the floor, shattering, while the man disappeared around the corner. Looking down the street, I ask, “What do you think that was about?” “Who cares? He’s probably just some asshole. What really matters is that we can tell the people inside that he knocked over our deserts, and we could probably get some free ones for the road. Oh, maybe if we cut ourselves with some of the glass, we-” “Okay, I’ll go in and try to get free food or whatever. Just, don’t-” “Fine, whatever, just make sure that you eat this time. You have to accept that the appeal of art and beauty is destroying it, and-”, I didn’t catch the rest because I had gone inside of the cafe while she was talking. Inside some chanson was playing from speakers on the walls, but there was an unmistakable silence to the room, as if the music was only existing on top of this sonic emptiness. Looking around, there is nobody in the cafe except for the man at the counter, and when I lock eyes with him I can see panic inside of him, I can see his fear, as if he’s shouting at me with his eyes, his emotions become infectious, they The silence is broken. I can hear the roaring for only a second, it only gets replaced by a faint ringing, that’s all I can hear. My other senses are equally unreliable, especially my sense of sight, because I can only see white. I try to close my eyes but the only thing that I can see is white. Eventually my sense of smell comes to, and I can smell smoke, lots of it. Nothing but smoke. Slow fade from white and I can see the sky, the beautiful, clear sky. Its all I can see, so I figure that I must be on my back. I try to move my body, I try to get up, but I start to feel an intense amount of pain, so I give up on that. I try to move my neck, and its not as bad, so the sky slowly gets replaced by the tops of buildings, then their windows, moving down down down, until I can see the street, the side walk, the rubble, the man rolling around on the ground frantically. Is he on fire? Is that what happened? No, he is holding his left leg, or, the place where his left leg should be. His mouth seems to be screaming, but he can’t scream louder than the ringing. Maybe if my ears weren’t so wet I could hear him. Maybe if my throat and face didn’t feel like hell I could scream too. Should I be screaming? Do I still have all of my limbs? I can’t feel my body, I can only feel pain. All that I’m confident in is my head and my neck. Everything becomes faint, it starts to get blurry, maybe this is what dying is like. I thought that it would feel more special than this. ——————————————————————————————————— I come to, I see friends and family members standing around my casket. They seem sad, they’re crying, but they don’t seem like they’re grieving over me. I suddenly become afraid, I start to worry that my funeral has just become an opportunity for people to pretend to be sad, just to benefit themselves socially. Nobody's there for me, they’re only attending to make a show for everyone else, and probably to get laid. My corpse is nothing more than a tool for people to use for their own benefit, something that they’ll bury and forget about when it stops being useful to them. Dying wasn’t enough, they had to ruin my memory too. Then, my father says, “Wait, I think she’s conscious. Can you hear me, dear?” And I realize that I’m not dead, so I drift off again. Maybe I’ll actually die this time, maybe I’ll actually get a good funeral. But I wake up again later, with my sister sitting by the bed, her neck is bandaged up and I can’t help myself, I have to stare at it, then she notices that I’m awake, that I’m looking at her, and where I’m looking, “Oh, yeah, this. After the bomb went off I was cut by, like, a billion shards of glass. It was as if the window itself attacked me, and who knew that windows could be so deadly? I got this big shard in my neck, about this big,” she holds her hands up to show the size of it, a gesture that she frequently used when talking about her battered boyfriends, “and I thought that it was going to be the end for me, but the doctors said that it actually prevented me from bleeding to death, so I got lucky in the end. Other than that I also have a lot of smaller cuts all over my body, I couldn’t even use my hands for a week because it just hurt to pick anything up, but I’m a lot better now.” I try to ask, ‘A week?’, but when I try to talk the words don’t seem like they’re my own, they don’t even sound like words, I just sound the same way my cat sounded when it had its jaw ripped off by a stray dog, and tried to yowl for help. “Oh, god, you sound like Sunday when he was dying. I can’t even guess what you’re trying to say to me right now. The doctors said that it would probably be difficult for you to talk, but in a couple weeks you’ll probably be fine, like, it didn’t take to long for my throat to heal well enough for me to start talking again, even if my voice is a little rough now.” I try to use my eyebrows to communicate, “Oh, girl, I have no idea what you’re doing right now. I’m going to have to talk to you the way we used to talk to grandpa, to see if he had to use the bathroom. So, are you asking if I’m okay?” One blink. “Oh, do you want to know how long you’ve been in here?” Two blinks. “Oh, its been a little while. You were unresponsive for a couple days, and mom wanted to pull the plug after day one, but it didn’t make sense because you weren’t on life support. I think its been, a month? Yeah, about a month. You’ve regained consciousness plenty of times, but the doctors said that you didn’t understand what was happening around you, you were only able to process the pain, so whenever you would wake up they would have to fill you with pain killers and you’d just knock out again. It was really messed up for the first two weeks, because you’re eyes were still damaged and you had to have this bandage around them, so you were blind and moving around and trying to scream, it was all nightmare inducing. Literally. Four nights in a row I had nightmares that I was in your position, it was horrible, you don’t even know. “But, hey, if you want good news I can give you some. I finally quit smoking! I mean, I really had no choice since the smoke would only further damage my throat so,” I begin to rapidly start blinking to shut her up, but then I realize that she’s looking through me, not looking at me, so I have to listen to this speech of hers. I try to keep my eyebrows at an angry angle, just so that she’ll see my frustration when she snaps out of her self absorption, but she only asks me, “What are you even trying to do with your face? Whatever you’re trying to convey with,” holding up her hand in the direction of my face, then moving it in a circular motion, “all that, but its not working.” I relax my face, but I still stare at her. “Okay, if you don’t believe me, then I’ll show you.” She pulls out her makeup mirror, looks into it for a couple seconds to make sure that she still looks ruinable, not ruined, then she gets up and holds it in front of my face. I’m ruined. My face is covered in bandages and some tubes, and whatever isn’t is just burnt and hideous. Apparently my eyebrows were burnt off and never grew back, so that probably explains why she couldn’t understand me. I blink twice, wait three seconds, then I blink again, and I repeat this several times until she realizes what I’m trying to say, and she moves the mirror away. I feel like crying, but I’m not sure if I’m physically capable. “Yeah, I know, it must be horrible to realize that you look like that, but I have just the think to cheer you up!” She turns towards her purse and pulls something out of it, and at first I think that its a puppy or a kitten, something that would love me unconditionally and show me that my looks aren’t everything, but instead I realize that, “Its a wig!” And before I can blink in response, she places it on my head. “I know what you’re thinking, ‘I don’t look good as a blond’, but you’re face is so unique because it doesn’t matter what you do with it, because anything will look better than your bare face. And, if you’re still not convinced, its just like Marilyn's hair! She could be a role model for you, you know. She was really bland, but then she became so beautiful that she ruined herself! And, don’t worry, I made sure to tell the nurses to take it off at night.” ———————————————————————————————————\ It wasn’t long until I was able to leave the hospital, only four days had passed until my insurance no longer covered my stay there, they put a bottle of pain killers in my hand, and sent me out into the real world, confused, mute, and bandaged. My sister drove me home, where there was an eviction notice waiting for me on the door, apparently the place was still mine for a week. When I was inside, alone, and just sat in the living room, in the dark, staring at the black mirror of the television, wearing that surprisingly comfortable wig, I realized that I was probably out of a job too, since there was no way for me to do PR when I can’t talk. However, there was something calming about all of this, even though my life had been completely ruined. I realized that it probably wouldn’t have gotten better than it already had been, I was mostly just coasting by, and now that it was awful I was at least aware of the fact that it was awful. It was at least something. I thought about cold coffee for a little while, and then I drifted off to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to pain, nothing but pain and darkness. It felt like how wood must feel when a swarm of termites start chewing and burrowing into it. I took some painkillers, then I fell back asleep. I dreamed that I was in a store and that nobody was going to buy me. I would wait and wait for somebody to come in and free me, while a woman would constantly threaten to turn me into hair extensions if nobody bought me. A lot of the dream was just spent waiting, terrified that nobody would come. When I wake up something is off. I blink and look around the room, but it doesn’t feel as if I’m the one who is doing it, its as if I’m just an observer, not a participant, but I tell myself that its probably just the pain killers. I’m probably just high. A couple memories flash in front of my face, all taking place in this apartment. I get up, unsteadily, even though I never told myself to do so. I walk to the wall and try to turn on a light switch, but the room remains dark, my electric bill had gone unpaid while I was in the hospital. I look around the room for something, I’m not sure what, then I finally find my cell phone, which I use for the flashlight. I make my way down the hall, to the bathroom, apparently, then I see myself in the mirror. The first thing I notice is the dried blood that was running down my leathery forehead, apparently I had been bleeding in the night, from the top of my head. The wig is still on, so I can’t see where the bleeding started, and its not my decision to take it off. I begin to make faces in the mirror, some of them seeming to be for basic emotions, smiling for happiness, frowning for sadness, and one that may have been for indigestion or anger. I tell myself again that its probably just the drugs that are causing this disconnect. I awkwardly sit down on the ground, and I start looking through my phone. At first I don’t know what the pass code is, several tries still keep me locked out, but then a memory of me putting in the code flashes in front of my face, and I’m able to get access to the phone. I go straight to my pictures, and the first one there is a picture that my sister and I took at the cafe, before the incident, and the memory of that lunch flashes in front of my face. I stare at the wall for a while, flashes of that lunch keep coming back. What the fuck did they give me? I look back at my phone, I go to the next picture, its one of my celebrity crush. My first instinct is to touch the picture, apparently, and then memories of the actor appear, briefly, and when they dissipate I realize that I am smashing my phone into the tile floor of my bathroom. Now there is nothing but darkness. I can feel myself feeling my way out of there, and it takes a long while since I keep going in circles. One corner in particular confuses me, and I get frustrated because I can’t stop myself from feeling that corner in confusion. A memory flashes in front of my face, but its unfamiliar to me, its one of being stuck inside of some container, in the dark, it feels like my current situation. Eventually I crawled out of that bathroom, and was able to go outside. It was a bright, beautiful day, which made me angry, for some reason. Although, it was as if I was angry, but the anger wasn’t my own. I looked around the apartment complex and saw a bush of flowers nearby, they were bright, colorful, beautiful, and I walked over to them. For a second I thought that I was going to smell them, but instead I start ripping them out, and crushing them under my heel, one by one, patiently destroying this flower bed. I can hear somebody ask what the hell I’m doing, but when I turn to look at them and make some god awful warning noise, they just walk away, talking about how its not their problem anyways. Halfway through the bush, I start to eat the flowers, but only a couple, since its seems that I’ve forgotten how to eat, but that makes sense because wigs aren’t used to eating. Why did I think that? When I’m almost finished destroying the bush, I start to hear some dog yapping at me nearby. I look over at it, and its the adorable little dog that keeps my elderly neighbor company, its the dog that I’ve always been curious to see what it would look like when it gets old and lazy, like its owner, since I have trouble seeing it as anything other than the young and adorable thing that it is now. I thought that I was going to pet it, but then I notice that I’m grabbing it and picking it up. Its held up at my face so that I can get a good look at it, and it begins licking me in the nose, which is one of my weaknesses. I open my mouth, I put the dog’s head inside of that space, I clamp my teeth down, hard and sudden, and I pull its body back, while moving my neck back, until the poor little thing’s head and body are two separate items. The taste, the sight, the texture of its blood and severed spine between my teeth, the whole act on its own makes me want to vomit, but I can’t, I’m not in control. I accept this for the first time: I am not in control. I can’t scream but the dog’s owner is able to do that for me, and better than I could have done in the first place. My eyes move towards her, but I don’t seem to be interested in that old, frail woman. A commotion is being made, something wet and thick and warm is sliding down my chin, my throat, and is starting to soak into my shirt. I start moving, but I don’t know where I’m. I try to resist but there is no way to resist it. My legs begin to hurt, I’m still not well, I’m not supposed to running, but I keep going, I can’t stop. The apartment complex fades behind me and general houses start to race by, I’m in some neighborhoods that I don’t recognize at all, but I keep going. The pain I feel from my legs are too much, and the pain in my scalp returns. I begin to think but they don’t feel like my own thoughts. I think, why is any of this worth resisting, isn’t this being human? I think, how is this not better than the rest of your life, which was spent dealing with other people’s problems, which was spent being passive? I try to tell myself that it was a better life than whatever this is, but I think, no, no it wasn’t. The difference between now, and your previous life, is that you were never living, you were never alive. This is living, this is existing. You are leaving your mark on the world, you are finally enjoying the beauty that life has to offer, you are enjoying the moment. Eventually I stopped running, and I was hoping that I had become tired, that my legs had hurt too much, and that's why I had begun to rest against the chain-link fence, but I soon realized that I was at the high school, that I wasn’t tired, that the people I was watching were only temporary, their happiness only temporary, and that I may as well take in that scene while it was still there.

#Free Write #Short Story #Writing #Cafe #Moment

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