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hideawaysis · 5 months ago

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ferris boyd, and remaining altruistic in the face of adversity

or: in which i overanalyze a children's book and write an essay about it.

(cws for discussion of child abuse, and also spoilers for "true (..sort of)" if you've never read that. 2,700+ words long not counting the screenshotted paragraphs from the book, this is much longer than your average tumblr post, be warned)

"true (...sort of)" by katherine hannigan is my favorite book. this is no secret. my url is a word originally created for the book. i talk about it constantly, especially about wanting more people to talk about it with. i practically became one of the characters from it. this book means a lot to me, and if you're a friend of mine i will more than likely recommend it to you at least once, regardless of whether or not you like reading.

there are many reasons for this. it takes a concept that feels as if it's been done to death (troublemaker kid cleans up their act via the power of ✨friendship✨) and executes it in a way i've never quite seen before. it goes extreme lengths to have you sympathize with all of its prominent characters on at least some level, even the ones who do harm. it's a tale of solace through pain, and the way people can heal inner wounds simply by sticking it out with each other.

by far the highlight of the book, however, and the answer i've received every time i've asked my friends who their favorite character was, is ferris boyd, and the way she's written. we don't usually get her pov -- out of all 74 chapters of the book, a whopping one chapter (chapter 8) is dedicated to seeing things through her eyes -- but by the time the story's come to a close, we feel as if we've learned a lot about her, and most importantly we feel as if we've learned these things with our protagonists.

when we first meet ferris boyd, he is a boy in a beat-up car with a trailer hooked to the end of it, a boy sitting next to an older man with a sadness in his blue eyes so haunting it remains with the protagonist, delly, even after she's left the area. then we learn that this is not a boy -- actually, this is a girl, who for whatever reason does not speak, and cannot be touched or yelled at or else she'll spiral into a panic attack.

then we find out that the sadness we first saw in that impala permeates her entire being. in class, ferris often has her face down on her desk, either asleep or just too miserable to keep her head up. we at least know she's too miserable to do her schoolwork. delly describes her as a disaster, and it shows.

but when recess rolls around, we see a different side of her. we see a side of her that is still sad, but in a way free to do as she pleases. though, this personal idea of freedom conflicts with what you'd expect from a kid her age. with any other 11-year-old, you'd expect freedom to be running around with their hands in the air, squealing with delight with a huge grin on their face. but ferris boyd's freedom is as quiet as she is -- her idea of freedom is sitting against a tree and reading a book as squirrels scamper over her legs.

and from here, we get to know her more and more. she likes to play basketball, and she's really great at doing so. she takes care of a black cat named mowr, who stays by her side whenever possible. she has a rickety treehouse out in the woods where she likes to sit and read. she doesn't speak, but if she wants to get your attention she'll slap her thigh or clap her hands. and while she doesn't like to be touched, not all physical contact is frightening to her -- she can't handle having her arm grabbed, but being leaned against or having her hand held isn't so bad.

the most stand-out quality that we pick up on, however, is ferris boyd's altruism towards others. apart from rb, she evidently has one of the kindest hearts out of every character in the book. she's incredibly selfless, and based on the many examples we see throughout the book, she seems more willing to help others than herself.

the first instance of this altruism that we see is in the very first chapter that we come to know her, and the only pov chapter for her in the whole book. as ferris is unpacking her things, she hears a rustling in the bushes, and as most people would, goes to investigate. she finds a black cat there, who we soon come to know as mowr, and feeds it.

now, this is a significant display of kindness under any circumstance, but here it's particularly sweet of her to do for a few reasons. for one, black cats are one of the most disliked kinds of cats in the world due to the superstitious belief that they bring bad luck. but there's another reason why this is so kind of her, too, and one that i didn't pick up on until very recently.

i remember going in with the assumption that mowr was a stray when this scene came up, and i'm sure many other people did too. but here's the thing: if mowr really was a stray/feral cat, it wouldn't be acting like this in this scene. if it were a stray, it would've gotten out of there the moment it saw ferris boyd. it certainly wouldn't have meowed, seeing as cats typically only meow to get the attention of humans, and a stray typically wants the opposite. and sure, it perhaps would've taken the food, but it definitely wouldn't have let ferris pet it.

putting this fact and the fact that this cat was at a house that'd recently been moved out of, i can only really come to one conclusion: the text is trying to imply that mowr was owned by the previous residents of the old hennepin place, and was left behind when they moved away. and, considering how ferris boyd responded to mowr, appears she gleaned this as well. i don't really have to tell you why taking in a cat that was recently abandoned by its owners is such a caring thing for her to do.

as we get to know more about ferris, we get to know more about her kind-hearted nature as well. there are a few examples here and there, such as her giving delly, somebody who at this point she's only known as the loud, angry girl who fights people and misgenders them to their faces, a second chance, or when she persistently tries to teach rb how to shoot a basket, even when he tries to throw in the towel. but one of the most significant examples of her selflessness comes up in chapter 55, when she offers to play novello in a game of h-o-r-s-e in exchange for him leaving her friends alone.

now, at this point in time, ferris boyd is not in the best state. somebody she considered to be a good friend, brud, hasn't come to visit her in weeks, and for all she knows she drove him away by being the quiet, timid girl that she is. with this in mind, plus some things we'll discuss later, it's clear why she'd jump to protect them, and it's obviously a very noble thing for her to do. but there's another layer to this i want to discuss, and one that'll be elaborated on even further later.

right after that screenshot above, this line is written.

this is pretty clearly a one-off simile, but i still found the comparsion between ferris boyd and a lamb really interesting. when you think of a lamb, you often think of innocence and purity, something that, while not the subject of this part of the analysis, will come back up later on. but you also may think of a sacrifical lamb, a symbol of sacrifice and, well, altruism.

in this scene, ferris boyd is the sacrificial lamb. she is running the risk of being ridiculed in order to help the people she cares deeply for. and in the end, she is ridiculed. but not once does she think, "i'm going to be made fun of by everybody if this doesn't go well." rather, she thinks, "i don't want to lose you. if this doesn't go well, you're gone." and when it doesn't go well in the end, she isn't hurt the most by the vitriolic words that've been hurled her way. she's hurt the most by brud, who she gave her trust to, another sacrifice considering the harrowing conditions she lives in, and in return got a non-verbal "yes, i agree" when novello said she was an it.

this trend of ferris boyd being a sacrificial lamb culminates in perhaps her biggest moment in the novel, and the first and only time she uses her voice: in chapter 65, where she saves delly from being sent to an alternative placement school by crying out for her attention.

this is, if you know literally anything about ferris boyd, a HUGE moment of vulnerability for her. up until this one moment, she hadn't spoken a word, presumably out of fear of...something, happening. so for her to go out and shout something at the top of her lungs, after being completely silent for so long...it almost seems uncharacteristic of her. but this isn't just her shouting anything. this is her shouting for her friend's safety. this, like many other things, is a sacrifice, and perhaps her most devastating one yet, seeing as it seems to lead to severe misfortune afterwards.

ferris boyd is, by all means, a very selfless person, always putting others before herself in any situation. but what is it about this part of her that sticks out so much against everything else? what is it about this selflessness that is worth pointing out? what has this feverish rant of mine been building up to?

well, to put it bluntly: based on everything we know about ferris boyd's homelife, she has every reason not to be this altruistic. in fact, one could say she has every reason to be a selfish asshole instead.

while we're never shown explicitly what happens to ferris boyd at home, we do have a lot of things that are implied for us. the first thing that comes to mind are the huge purple welts delly sees on her back while playing in the lake at delaferbia, which, combined with her fear of being touched, paints a pretty clear picture of how she's treated at home. it's noted a few times that her father is often away from home and doesn't even bother to get somebody to supervise her while he's away. also, and this part of the book might actually be in my top favorite lines from it period, we have this:

i really love this part, because it implies SO MUCH. for one, the "mouth that wouldn't speak" line gives the implication that ferris boyd's mutism is, at least on some level, an involuntary defense mechanism, rather than being voluntary as many people read it as. but also, i want to call attention to that last line. "she saw brud hit himself. she flinched, like she felt it."

in this instance, brud is hitting himself in the mouth to punish himself for having a speech impediment. so isn't it interesting how ferris boyd, somebody known for not speaking, would resonate with somebody hitting themself after speaking at the wrong time? more importantly, isn't it interesting what this indicates about her father, who was so affected by ferris boyd so much as speaking to save one of her friends that he tried to move away? and isn't it interesting how, just at the beginning of this story, they'd just moved into town and nonchalantly unpacked their things as if they'd done this many times before? because, more likely than not, they had done this many times before?

the picture that's been painted of ferris boyd's father from just these facts alone is upsetting, to say the least. and, seeing as her mother is never seen in the text or even mentioned as an aside, it seems that the only possible nurturing figure in her life is either dead, has left her, or was never there to begin with.

ferris boyd has every reason to be a bad person. abuse is a cycle, after all, and if she were a bad person, i don't envision anybody blaming her for that. we all know of antagonist characters that used to be sweet when they were younger, until something awful happened to them and they grew into a vicious and brooding person. this trope is so well-known that it has its own page on tv tropes under the name "used to be a sweet kid."

ferris boyd could be a jerk. but she's not one. because while it'd certainly be much easier for her to throw compassion out of the window and go all-out with emotionally fortifying herself, using cruelty to drive others away and prevent herself from giving people the opportunity to hurt her, she's not one to do that. that requires a level of fearfulness she doesn't have, and while yes, ferris boyd is jittery and easily frightened, that doesn't mean she can't be brave. she's very brave, actually, and much stronger than most give her credit for, which is something that's commented on in the text.

if you, the reader, have been paying attention, you will remember that i mentioned lambs being a symbol of innocence. but just as they are a symbol of innocence, they can also be a symbol of the corruption of such a thing. lambs are prey animals, and being so small and unknowing, they're easy for predators to hunt down. but when the predator fails in taking their kill, the lamb survives with torn, bloodied wool, and wide eyes that will never again soften like they used to. and that's something that rings true for ferris boyd. her innocence has been tainted, and it's left her scared and hypervigilant, but she's still alive, and she came back stronger in the end.

oh, yeah. and now that we're on the part of the story in which ferris boyd runs away in an attempt to escape her father, i want to bring this part up.

this part ties pretty much everything together. not only is it another show of ferris boyd's selflessness, her worrying for the wellbeing of somebody who isn't there for her about 75% of the time (and when he is around, he's yelling at and beating her), but also, it just really hammers in my point that, while being rude to others would be taking the easy route, that's just not something ferris boyd has the capacity to do. if she still loves her horrible, abusive father, then why would she not love anyone else?

because while her innocence was corrupted, her gentle, tender heart was not. through everything, she did not forget how to be kind to others. she did not forget the warmth of being vulnerable for somebody else who won't take advantage of that, and though she may be apprehensive about leaving herself vulnerable, she values the love of others much more than she fears being hurt.

because ferris boyd is a sweet girl. she likes animals and basketball and reading, and she would do anything to help her friends, and she likes the funny words her best friend ever likes to make up, and when she blushes she blushes with her whole face and neck, and she falls asleep in the middle of the day sometimes, and she was scared of swimming at first but when she put down her defenses and tried it out it was so much fun that she wanted to do it again after it was over.

because while ferris boyd is afraid of a lot, she's not afraid to end the cycle her father laid out for her. she's not afraid to be kind. the rips in her fleece have not mended yet, but she's willing to help mend the wounds in others.

tl;dr the gif below is ferris boyd

#hideawaysisposting #true (...sort of)#ferris boyd #essay #analysis #character analysis #tagging this with a buncha shit so the hours i put into this weren't for naught

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lynsstrange · 2 years ago

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Underrated parts of SOC/CK part one

I have an entire unnecessarily long doc I’ve been updating for six months and now you get to listen to me scream about it :)

Inej managing to TERRIFY Van Eck even after he’s just kidnapped and tortured her. Like she just breaks his nose by butting her face into his?? and yells about how Kaz is going to kill Alys and her unborn child??

I think we overlook Wylan in general as a fandom, but especially his jealousy and pettiness over Jesper sometimes I swear 💀 the line where he goes “how about I push you into canal and see if you know how to swim? :)” to Kuwei after he asks Jesper to see him in Ravka. He hates Kuwei like he’s a 2012 YA female protagonist around the mean girl character lmao

And the library scene in crooked kingdom!!

I need to talk more about that scene. The chaos??? where Colm is just a confused dad like “jEsPeR yOuRE iN a GaNg???”, Jesper asking a girl out and wylan getting jealous (part 2) and butting in and reminding him he has no money, Jesper telling him to be quiet because they’re in the library, ALL DURING A FIGHT WHERE PEOPLE ALL AROUND ARE SHOOTING AT THEM-

“To hell with the plan. If Van Eck had done something to Inej, Kaz would paint the east stave with his entrails.” Every girl’s favorite romantic gesture 😍

ninakaz friendship appreciation post <3

kaz being so terrifying that Matthias thinks he’s a literal DEMON when he first meets him. he took one look at this emo 17 year old in a suit and was quaking in his boots

Ranking each couple’s romantic nicknames:

“Roed fetla” (little red bird)- it was kind of mean and unfair to pull out my heart and light it on fire while laughing tbh. 9/10

“Merchling”- Wylan is a little merch sure 8/10

“investment”- 147534957/10 😍😍😍

“wyvil” need I say more

KAZS POETIC INNER MONOLOGUE KILLS ME. EVERY. TIME.

I couldn’t bear to watch you fall in his head when Inej asked why he insisted on a net under the tightrope

him thinking because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days when Inej asked why he wanted to talk to her.

man literally can glare as much as he wants to and say he only keeps her around because of her talents but he also carried her through a harbor and ripped a guys eye out when she was stabbed soooo

#six of crows #grishaverse #ya books #bookworm #kaz brekker #nina zenik #inej ghafa #wylan van eck #matthias helvar #jesper fahey #the crows #the dregs

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donutloverxo · 4 years ago

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Make me

*gif is not mine*

The donut series - Part 8

Note - Idk wtf this is... Lol! Hopefully I can complete this series before the year ends. Just 2 or 3 more parts now.

Thank you so so much to @firefly-graphics for the cute dividers💖💖

Summary - You move into the tower with Steve.

Warnings - 18+ only please, smut (m/f), soft dom Steve, daddy kink, captain kink, praise kink, orgasm denial, spanking, punishments, Steve is pushy and possessive, some angst, (lemme know if I missed any)

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 5.2k

Series masterlist

“What do you think you’re doing?!” You jerked when you heard Steve’s voice calling out to you, dropping your lipstick on your lap, your heart hammering in your chest.

You stared at his reflection in the dressing mirror. “God, Steve,” looking over your shoulder you glared at him, “Don’t you think you shouldn’t be sneaking up on me? Especially after everything that happened.”

His face immediately soften, muttering an apology to you, “But you’re not going out today.” He said in a tone that left no room for negotiation.

But you weren’t one of his agents or one to be bossed around. “And you get to tell me what to do, because?” folding your arms over your chest and mimicking his stance.

“Sweetheart, come on, don’t argue with me. It’s still dangerous for you out there.”

“What do you mean? I thought you arrested those guys. Who else would be after me?” you frowned.

He takes two long strides, standing before you and taking your hand in his “Clint has been interrogating them all night. They’ll crack soon enough and give up who they’re working for but we need to be careful till then.”

You sighed, “How long do you think it will be?”

“I don’t know, doll. Hopefully not too long.”

“Well, I can’t just stay locked up forever. Besides a locked door isn’t going to stop Hydra, I mean it didn’t the first time. So really what difference does it make if I’m in college or at home?”

“About that,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “how would you feel about moving into the Avengers tower?”

“What?” you blinked. You had heard of the Avengers living and working from the Avengers/Stark tower. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that Steve would possibly live there as well, but for some reason it did. “For how long?”

“Uh, we can give it a try and see how it goes?” he hesitated. He should’ve asked you to move there as soon as you told him you felt unsafe. The whole incident could’ve easily been avoided.

“I mean I wouldn’t mind living there, I think,” you shrugged, “it’s you I’m worried about.”

“What do you mean?” he tilted his head to the side, like a cute little puppy.

You got up from the chair, looping your hands over his neck and playing with the little hair on the nape of his neck, “You’re so cute and clueless, baby,” you cooed.

He huffed at that, puffing out his chest to show you how ‘macho' he is. Completely capable of protecting his girl from big bad guys no matter what.

“I just felt the tower is so unlike you. It’s so...”

Modern--was the word you were looking for, but that seemed too on the nose so you tried to think of a better adjective. You had only ever been to the tower a few times. The first was to make a delivery, when you met Steve for the first time, and then a few times at parties and little get-togethers. It was strange to think that you were part of the Avengers inner circle now, especially if you’re going to be living with them.

“So what?” he wanted to know.

“Just so not you, Stevie. I can’t imagine you living there.”

“We should’ve moved long ago. As soon as you told me about the stalker. I should’ve taken it more seriously.”

“Hey,” you traced his sharp cheekbone, “it’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. Except the ones who did the kidnapping,” you scrunched up your nose, “they’ll get what’s coming to them though, right?”

“Of course, they’ll never hurt you or anyone else ever again,” he promised, kissing the inside of your wrist.

You kept looking at your watch. A gift from your mum for your high school graduation. It had a vintage feel to it, the thin leather strap making your hand look to delicate, Steve had always said that he liked it the best. He always did like you looking small compared to him.

The elevator dinged, “Exactly four minutes.”

“Hm?” he asked, lacing his fingers with yours as he walked towards ‘his' apartment. Or the apartment that was supposed to be his.

Tony had offered him boarding there when the tower was reconstructed months ago. He thought about it but eventually said no upon seeing just how big the apartment was.

Hell he had a whole floor to himself, which was too extravagant for him. He was used to taking only what he needed, if that.

More than that though...

You caught him looking at you, sparing him a sweet smile that crinkled your sparkling eyes.

More than that he didn’t want to live in such a large space all alone.

He would never share that with anyone, they’d laugh at Captain America being too scared of being alone. When he had the love and adoration of the whole world, a second chance at life and everything one could need to be happy.

But he still couldn’t bear the deafening silence of his lonely apartment. He’d get home from work, switch on the television so he’d have something to talk about with his colleagues, sip on a beer. It didn’t necessarily get him drunk or even taste all that great but it made him feel normal.

He never had to think about being alone in a strange new world all that much since he was often too busy. But he absolutely would not have an entire floor to himself. He’d surely go crazy.

“Four minutes for the elevator to get up here from the ground floor. It’s so high,” you marvelled at the view the floor to ceiling windows gave you.

“Yeah. They really should put some music there. They used to, back in my day,” he shared.

He wasn’t afraid of talking about his past with you. You never made fun of him for it, but instead listened intently and nodded. At most you’d tease him a bit... but he kinda liked that.

He punched in the code to his apartment, telling it to you, “Your birthday,” he winked, “it’s changed every twenty-hour hours.”

“That seems a bit excessive. This place is like a fortress, I doubt anybody could break in.”

He held the door open for you as you entered. Surprised to find the apartment already furnished.

“How did they manage to do all this so soon?” you wondered. Running your hands on the leather of the couch in the middle of the living.

The dark couch went well with the hardwood floors. A tall bookshelf to the side, it felt almost like a study, your fears of it being too modern and minimalistic for Steve’s taste were null, too masculine for your taste though. It seemed a lot like Steve’s old apartment. “Needs a woman’s touch.”

“You can decorate it however you like,” he said, hugging you from behind, he propped his chin up on your head.

“I don’t know... I don’t have any experience decorating apartments...” your voice small, scared of not being able to live up to his expectations. “Certainly wouldn’t do as good a job as you did,” your back leaned into his front.

“I didn’t decorate this, honey,” he chuckled. “Tony hired an interior designer. A few months ago but I didn’t want to live here then. We can ask him to call her again and then you can talk to her.”

“No, I don’t want to cause trouble. And it’s not like we’re living here for long,” you shrugged.

“What do you mean?” his voice stiff and although you couldn’t look at him you just knew he was frowning.

“Isn’t it a bit too soon to move in together?”

“But we were already living together.”

You sighed, “Yeah, but making renovations seems too... permanent?”

“You don’t want us to be permanent?”

You turned around, your heart aching at even the thought of hurting him, “That’s not what I meant, love... Isn’t it weird to live where you work?”

“It’s better this way. I can get home to you sooner,” he argued.

“Well, I suppose that’s true.”

“Are you having second thoughts about us?” he asked.

You immediately shook your head, “It’s a bit intimidating, but nope, no second thoughts.”

“That’s good then.”

You often dreamt all things Steve ever since you started dating him. Marrying him, even having a little boy wearing a mini Captain America suit for Halloween who looked eerily similar to Steve. You called him James after Steve’s late friend, you hadn’t told him about that though.

This morning you were dreaming of being whisked away in Italy, having your wedding to him by lake Como. You were wearing a traditional forties style gown, much like the one your grandma wore at your wedding.

Scrunching your nose as you were pulled from your beautiful dream when you felt something wet on your cheek. Rubbing it away with your palm, you moaned.

“Wake up, sleeping beauty,” Steve cooed, peppering kisses all over your face. Knowing that to be the best way to calm you before you snapped at him for waking you up so early.

You opened your eyes, rubbing your sleep away, “It’s still dark... I thought we agreed I’m doing school online,” you turned away from him, nuzzling your face into your pillow. “What time is it?”

“It’s five.”

“Pm?”

He snorted, “No. AM.”

“Oh my god, Steve!” you groaned, “What is wrong with you? That’s like...the middle of the night. Let me sleep in peace.”

“We have to train you. Come on I’ll teach you some self defense moves, it’ll be fun.”

“I doubt any amount of training will make me capable of fighting off hydra...”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t try,” he interrupted you, “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

“Maybe in the evening.”

“Morning is the best time to do it. Come on, it’ll be fun! Besides, we always do your thing.”

He did often let you pick the movie or drag him shopping so he could hold your bags and pay for your stuff. You knew he liked to work out and would like to have you do it with him. The only problem was--you literally couldn’t think of anything worse to do.

“Square your shoulders, honey,” he instructed as you followed, seeing an opening to punch him in his stomach, and because you were mad about being woken up at literally the crack of dawn you took it.

He managed to dodge it, obviously. And even had the nerve to be cocky about it as he smirked at you. “You’re so small, puppy,” he teased, patting your head.

You huffed, being almost a foot shorter than him. “Whatever.”

And then you recalled all the times you had wrestled your cousin, who was much bigger than you, when you were kids. Remembering a move that often worked on him.

You launched towards Steve, holding onto his midsection and trying to tackle him to the ground.

“Urgh!” you groaned but he refused to move even an inch.

Eventually you did give up, if only so you could stop embarrassing yourself. Helping, or rather just standing to the side and watching Steve as he punched the shit out of a bag.

“Go, Steve!” you cheered. Rubbing your thighs together at the sight of him all sweaty and of his bulging muscles. “You should bring me down here more often,” you sighed dreamily.

“Will do,” he smirked, pulling the velcro of his gloves, “Come on, it’s time to do some crunches, I’ll spot you.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No, please,” you tried to run away, even though you knew it’d be of no use, but he effectively caught you and made you lie down on the mat. Giving you a goal of two sets of twenty frigging crunches.

“I hate you,” you grumbled. Willing yourself to pull your upper body up despite the slight pain in your side, moving up as Steve pecked your lips. To give you an ‘incentive’.

“Stop lying, I know you love me,” he smiled.

Lying back on the mat after your first set, on the verge of giving up but Steve kept insisting that you go on.

You looked down at him. His skin barely had a sheen of sweet, blond strands kissing his forehead. He still had an amber glow to his skin even as you got closer to the winter months.

“You’re staring, sweetheart,” he reminded you.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself.” Often getting lost in his beauty.

You smirked as you got a wicked idea, putting your legs over his, straddling his hips, “Have you ever wanted to do something in public?” you asked, as he simply stared up at you, completely dumbfounded. Rolling your hips against his, “I have, it’ll be fun and thrilling.”

“I... No,” he blinked, shaking his head, “We shouldn’t,” but even as he said it, he held onto your sides, pulling you closer to him. You giggled as you felt his hard cock pressing against your thigh.

“Oh my god, guys, come on.”

You yelped, holding onto Steve’s shoulders to keep from falling, looking to your side to see where the voice came from.

“We could come back if you want...” Natasha said. She didn’t look fazed by it at all, unlike her friend.

“No, we are not coming back! This is not what you use the gym for, Rogers.”

You looked at Steve, who was as red as a tomato, “Sorry,” he got up, helping you up as well, standing behind you to cover up his erection, he introduced you to his friend, “This is Sam.”

“Nice to meet you,” Sam gave you a nervous smile.

“We should get going,” Steve said, pushing you towards the exit. “That’s a sneaky way to get out of training,” he whispered in your ear as you walked back to the elevator, “It won’t work again,” pinching you butt, making you squeal.

“We’ll see.”

You hummed as you looked at your side of the closet, which was as big as your old living room, it looked as if you didn’t really have enough stuff to fill it out. You looked over at Steve’s side, even more empty... and “So boring,” you whispered under your breath.

“Right?” Tony nodded, as if agreeing with you.

Why he was there in the first place you didn’t know. You didn’t invite him, neither did Steve, he had said he just wanted to see how well you both were fitting in. With Steve gone for the most part of the past couple of days you were on your own to unpack everything.

Tony said he’d help you... but you had a feeling he was just snooping.

“What a grandfather sense of fashion he has,” he looked at your poor Steve’s shirts in disgust.

You took offense to that. “If anyone can pull it off, he can,” you huffed. Nobody insults your man.

“Really?” he quirked a brunette brow, “I don’t think so. I mean... I could probably. I can pull off anything,” he boosted.

“I mean, you could try them on if you like, but they’re probably too big for you,” you taunted him in mock sympathy.

“Ouch, guess I deserve that,” he said as he went through the box you had stuffed your make up in.

“What are you even looking for?” you pulled it away from him, glaring at him, “Don’t you have a company to run or a world to save?”

“Hey, Steve was the one who asked me to keep you company,” he held his hands up.

“Really?”

“Well, he asked Nat, which is basically the same as asking me. So I volunteered. He wasn’t happy about that though,” you smacked his hand away when he tried to pry into another box.

“Why would you volunteer?” Steve may have good intentions but having the billionaire hovering over you was only making you irritated.

“... to hang out I guess,” he confessed when he couldn’t really think of anything else to say.

You giggled, “If you wanted to be my friend you could’ve just said so!”

“No... no,” he shook his head, “I didn’t say anything about wanting to be friends.”

He was just curious about you. To figure out what Caps taste is. And to maybe get some hot goss about him. Not that being friends with you sounds like the end of the world, you certainly weren’t as insufferable as Cap.

“What would you like to do, fren?” you fluttered your lashes at him.

“Aren’t you supposed to be packing?”

“I’m bored of being cooped up. Lets do something fun!”

Steve smiled, a wide cheeky one, as he thought of all the things he could do with you and spend the remainder of his day with you. His stomach doing somersaults in giddiness.

“I could get used to this,” he said to himself before calling out for you. The thought of coming home to you everyday, so domestic and romantic. His smile dropping as he looked for you in the bedroom, the boxes sat scattered and unopened. All over the room.

He knew you were in the apartment before he even heard your voice, his super senses alerting him, “Oh, Steve!” you perked up. Giggling as you put your shopping bags down. “So, I might’ve made an oopsie.”

Plumping down on the fluffy bed, large enough to fit two Steve’s and still have room for you, taking off your real Louboutins. Since Steve gave you his card, you decided you wanted to treat yourself to them. But they were equally as uncomfortable as the fake ones.

“What?” he quirked a brow, his hands on his hips as he despondently shook his head.

“Well, Tony pointed out that your wardrobe is kinda...” you thought of a adjective that wouldn’t be offensive, biting your lip as you went through your vocabulary, “Old-ish?” when he didn’t reply you kept going, “and I might’ve maxed out your card... Tony offered to pay! But it didn’t feel right,” you jutted your bottom lip out, pushing your titts up together in an attempt to look cute.

“You went out? When I specifically asked you not to?” a rage simmering in his voice--which you didn’t quite like. Because who the fuck was he to talk to you like that?

“I had Iron Man with me. I think I was okay. You’re being annoying,” you rolled your eyes.

“Am I?” his hands now folded over his chest.

And you’d be frustrated with him acting as if he was your dad, sure you called him daddy but that didn’t give him the right to have authority over you while you weren’t naked, if he didn’t look so fucking good. With the veins propping on his forearms, light blond hair littered over it, his watch strapped on his wide wrist. You only stared him down in response.

“It would’ve been better if you had went alone instead. Tony is nothing but trouble,” he scoffed.

“I thought you wanted me to make friends with your team,” you countered.

“Are my clothes too embarrassing for you? Am I too old for you?” he tried to keep his voice from wavering, to hide some of his vulnerability, but he couldn’t, not to you anyway. “Is that why you didn’t tell your family about me?”

You gaped at him. That was the reason you hadn’t told your mom. She’d point out the obvious reasons, as she had just like you expected, him being from the forties would just make things harder for you both.

“I - ” you started but then stopped, “I like your clothes as they are. If you don’t like what I got you then we can return them. I just wanted to do something nice for you,” getting up and then walking towards him, kissing his jaw and stroking his arms to calm him, “you never think about yourself, I wanted to do that for you.”

“I wish that was true, doll,” he replied gravely. His lips pressed in a thin line as he looked at your sweet face, “But you have to apologize. For not following my orders.”

You snorted, taking a step back, “For the last time--you cannot order me around. I don’t care that you think you know what’s best.”

“Really? I’ve been working my ass off on trying to find the guys that did this to you and you are just hell bent on making my life harder,” he let out a dry chuckled, “say your sorry.”

“Make me.”

You regretted the words as soon as they came out of you, before you knew it he had you hauled over his lap, ready to spank an apology out of you.

“Ah!” you yelped at the unceremonious blow.

You did like it when he spanked you, you truly didn’t know why, but it made your pussy quiver. And honestly he didn’t do it enough. Only doing it once when you were late and weren’t able to call him.

Slapping your covered bottom a second time before stopping when he heard you moan, slipping a palm under your dress, being purposely slow to draw it out for you, to torture you in his own way, he pushed your panties aside, swirling your juices around your lips.

“You’re fucking enjoying this,” he growled.

You whimpered when he rolled your bundle of nerves between his fingers, nodding your head, already feeling yourself tethering on the edge.

“That’s too bad... I’ll have to be more creative,” he said as he withdrew his hand, making you writhe in his hold.

You looked at him over your shoulder, wiggling your butt to try to entice him before huffing when he simply stared at you, stoic as ever, “You’re no fair!”

“I’m doing this to be fair, sweetheart. I don’t enjoy it anymore than you do.”

A blatant, clear-cut, shameless lie. You both knew it. He loved thinking of ways to ‘punish' and executing them.

“What are you doing?” you asked as he placed you over his lap, your back to his broad front, his fingers working on the zipper of your dress. Pushing the sleeves down your shoulders.

“I’m going to fuck you till you admit that you’re sorry,” since he had no patience for insolence, placing a dubiously sweet and innocent kiss to your cheek.

“In your dreams,” you retorted but then shivered in his arms you let him roll your panties down your thick thighs, lifting up your hips to help him out, leaving you completely bare against him.

You bashfully rubbed your face against his button up, you felt his heart beating steadily, as his hands shamelessly explored your body. Grabbing and kneading at your breasts and hips, tracing the stretch marks on your thighs.

“Aren’t you gonna take your clothes off too?” you made yourself small.

You weren’t afraid of being so vulnerable before him, you had gotten used to it because you trusted him enough to not be intimidated by his perfect physique, but right now your whole body felt hot as you just wanted to cover up and give yourself some sort of modesty. Even if your desires and yearning for him was anything but modest.

“No, honey,” he answered, his fingers parting your weeping lips as he looked down to get a glance of it over your shoulders. Licking his lips at the sight of it, “Such a pretty pussy, doll. And all mine,” he rasped as he prodded at your hole with his middle finger before pushing it in, “Isn’t it?”

“Yes,” you nodded, trying to roll your hips over the erection pressing into your back.

He stilled your movements by holding onto your hips, warning you to stop, “Forever?” he urged.

“Yes, forever, god, just do something!” you wailed. Because whatever he was doing was not enough to satisfy you.

He hummed in thought, “I’m not a young guy. I prefer to take my time,” he pushed another finger in, stretching you out by viscously scissoring your cunt, all the while kissing your hair and your face.

He wasn’t someone who took only what he needed.

He didn’t need you.

Although it often seem to him as if you were like air--impossible to live without. He didn’t need you to live.

But he wanted you. More than anything else in the whole world.

He knew he shouldn’t keep you. Only being with you for a few months and he had almost gotten you killed but there was no way he could help himself.

“I’m selfish,” he whispered to you, pausing his ministrations to ruin your climax, “I’m selfish with you. I’m not as good as everyone makes me out to be,” he confessed. He didn’t know if it was right to do so, but he didn’t want to even consider the other option of letting you go.

“I figured out long ago that you weren’t all that good and boring,” you cried as he stopped again. Your hand holding onto his wrist as your sensitive cunt gushing juices of arousal all over your brand new sheets. “But I’m good, aren’t I, daddy?” you whispered, sultrily. “You can make me come--I’m always good to you. I promise I’ll suck you off after.”

“No.”

Tears welled up in your eyes at his rejection, he had never done that to you. To deny you so easily and bluntly. You thought he was the one person in this whole world who would do anything for you, you could ask for the moon and he’d probably try to give it to you.

Was he really that mad at you?

Your bottom lip quivering as tears welled up in your eyes, “You’re so mean,” you accused, loudly sniffing as you felt a tear drop down your cheek.

He blinked, his fingers stopping their assault on your swollen pussy as he took in your words. You could stomp all over his heart, even shoot him, do anything you want to him, he’d forgive you for it but he absolutely could not bear to see you cry.

“No, pup,” he cooed, gently removing his fingers as you whined, he kissed your forehead as he hushed you, “it’s okay, you’re okay, shush,” one hand under your neck and circling another under your knees, cradling your naked body close to his chest like a babe, he rocked you back and forth in an effort to sooth you.

“I’m sorry I was mean,” he whispered into your hair.

“You broke your pinky promise,” you held onto his neck. You were angry with him and at the situation but your body craved the comfort his gave you. “I can’t trust you now.”

His heart ached at that, “Don’t say that,” he furrowed his brows, kissing you all over your face, “I didn’t yell, puppy.”

“But you got mad,” you puffed your cheeks.

“I didn’t promise to not get mad. That’s a bit unrealistic...”

“No, you promised--no yelling, curing or meanness. Not calling me your 'good girl' or letting me come is mean! And cruel,” you reminded him, whimpering into his chest.

“Right, right. I’m sorry, that’s my fault then. I got a bit carried away... I thought you liked that you know?”

You hummed. You did like it when Steve was a bit rough, but you always knew he loved you with all his heart because you could see it in his eyes. The way he’d praise you for being so good for him, calling you his one and only, that he could never love anyone as much as he loves you.

But when he didn’t say that to you, when he refused to call you good, your soft heart couldn’t take the rejection.

“I do... but...” you hid your face in his neck.

“But what?” he urged you.

“But I also like knowing that you love me,” you spoke against his prickly stubble.

“Of course I love you. I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t, even for a second. You’re my sweet girl, forever and always,” he promised, rocking you some more, until your breathing becomes normal and steady again.

“You’re my daddy forever too,” you giggled, “or Captain, whatever you prefer.”

“If I had to pick I’d say Steve,” he told you. While it was nice to have you call him sweet name, nobody really uses his given name anymore. To have you call him that in your sweet girly voice, reminding him that he could be just Steve with you, was exhilarating.

“Okie, Stevie then.”

“Right, how about I draw you a bath? Afterwards we can go over the things you got me,” he perked up.

“You don’t have to wear them if you’re not comfortable.”

“I know, pup, but I want to. I want to get with the times. Can’t have anyone making fun of you for dating an old man,” he teased, swaying you some more.

“Hm, but...”

“But what?”

“I... um... still wanna come, so bad,” you whispered softly, rubbing your thighs together. “Will you make me come, Stevie?”

“Yes,” he replied immediately, “how would you like me to?”

“I wanna come around you,” you stated as heat rushed to your cheeks. “And I am sorry. I probably should’ve told you before going with Tony.”

“I know you’ve been cooped up, honey. I’m going to take a few days off so we can do whatever you like,” he said, working on unbuckling his belt, “But before that, I need to take care of my sweet girl, just like she does for me.”

Your hands feebly pulling at his button up, he took your queue and rid himself of it, along with his undershirt as your hands explored the expanse of his broad chest.

Pulling his length out, he manoeuvred your body till you over him, “Guide me in, sweetheart,” he instructed as you whimpered.

Grabbing the base of his cock, coating your slick in his pre ejaculate, you slowly sunk down on him. Not being able to fit all of him in, because he was as thick as a can of pringles, and oh so long.

You looked at him, too anxious to disappoint him, “Can’t fit it all in,” you whined.

“It’s okay, doll,” he stroked your back. “We’ll make it fit some other day,” he pecked your lips, lying on his back and pulling you down with him he snaked a hand between your bodies, working your clit up with his hand till he felt you convulsing and clenching around his length, gripping him so tight as you squirmed in his hold.

Whispering sweet nothings to you as you calmed down from your high. You wanted to do something for him too, to make him come, so you grinded your hips over his, shivering at the sick squelching sounds your joined sexes made.

But he stopped you by gripping your hips, “How about you just keep me warm for now?” he asked.

You hummed, “It’ll be hard...” to have him just stay inside you, and you knew he could stay hard for hours if he wanted to, and for you to not be able to do anything about it...

“I know it will be. But you’re my good girl, you can do that for me, right?” he tipped your chin up to make you look at him.

“Yes, Stevie,” you agreed.

Laying your head back on his chest, muttering a ‘sorry' whenever you accidentally clenched around him and following his orders like a good girl would.

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#the donut series #steve rogers x reader #chris evans x reader #steve x reader #captain america x reader #steve rogers x you #marvel x reader #avengers x reader #chris evans x you #chris evans x y/n

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boldlyvoid · 3 years ago

Text

Amoreena | chapter twelve

Chapter Twelve

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Warnings: spencers mom has a bad day at the doctor's and so spencer thinks he's going to have a bad day too but he ends up having the best day of his entire life.

talk of pregnancy, celebratory sex, oral (female receiving), grinding, no penetration, serious deep talks after sex about their most depressive episodes, sharing trauma and making sure they know the other is loved regardless of what goes on in their mind. it's a rough one so read with caution

word count: 4.5K

from the beginning <3

He was up before Amoreena, awaking for the second time that morning to the sound of his alarm, kissing Y/N on the forehead before leaving their bed, she simply laid there and watched him get ready.

Most of his clothes were here now, every time he was near his apartment he brought more and more things home with him. Because that wasn’t his home, it hadn’t been for a long time, even when he lived there it was just a trove of books and a bed he slept on occasionally.

They were probably going to move all his stuff over in the summer, after the second wedding… after the girls meet Taylor, and hopefully when Y/N’s actually pregnant and not too sick or tired to help.

“Come here,” she whispers before he can slip out of the room, “kiss your wife.”

He can’t help but smile as he bounds towards the bed, jumping in and wrapping her up in his arms. He smothers her face in kisses, making her laugh, still half asleep as she let him manhandle her.

“I love you,” he reminded her.

“We love you too,” she replied with a smile, answering for Amoreena even though she was still asleep down the hall, “don’t wake her up yet, she needs all her rest for today.”

“I’ll be quiet,” he responds with a smile, kissing her again before he finally gets out of the bed, if not he would have stayed there forever.

He tiptoes down the hall and into Amoreena’s room, kissing her sweet little forehead lightly before exiting just as quietly. It was like he was never there.

He snuck down the stairs quietly, locked the door behind himself on the way out, and took off down the driveway in his old blue Volvo amazon, paying extra attention to the path for any kitties or Rufus out on their morning strolls.

It didn’t take long for a happy day to go sour when he was in a doctor's office with his mom. Those were the worst places he could go with her, especially on a bad day. Her mind was playing tricks on her, she really didn’t like hospitals or government buildings, even lawyers' offices stressed her out.

Today she was convinced he wasn’t really her son, Spencer, and that he was actually leading her to be a government experiment. It was hard to see her struggle, especially on a day they needed to ask her serious questions while she sat still. It was the fact she had to stay awake for 24 hours that triggered the episode, the EEG requiring her mind to be deprived of sleep. It was rough, she barely knew him. They wouldn’t have the test results for a while but he already knew it wasn’t good.

He dropped her back off at the home as quickly as he could, not able to deal with the verbal abuse any longer, he didn’t even say goodbye. The woman he dropped off was his mother on the outside but not on the inside today. It was really hard to look at her and know her, but not see that same look in her eyes.

By the time he’s returning to the farm, it’s 11:45 and he’s exhausted.

He finds Y/N in the bedroom, lying in bed in just a t-shirt and her underwear, completely sound asleep with the blankets thrown off the bed. She looks so beautiful, he slips out of his clothes to match her, sliding into bed beside her and just looking at her perfect face.

He presses a kiss to her shoulder that startles her awake, “oh god, Spencer!” she places her hand on her heart as she calms down.

“Sorry,” he smiles, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in closer.

“How’s your mom?” Her tired words meet his ears and his smile dies.

“Not great, really don’t want to talk about it yet,” he was honest with her, snuggling in closer as she hummed in agreement to drop it. “How was Amoreena’s morning?”

“I told Amoreena I wouldn’t tell you, but I don’t need to you to freak out in front of all the kids or cry or pass out in front of all them, but there’s a positive pregnancy test on her all about me project,” she explains it like she’s about to say it’s just Amoreena’s from 8 years ago…

He pulls back slowly, looking into her eyes as she smiles wider and wider, “you’re pregnant?”

She nods her head as her smile gets bigger and toothier, she’s wrapping her arms around him so tight it’s like he can’t breathe for multiple reasons.

“We did it, Spencer, I made you a daddy again,” the words carry from her mouth in a beautiful tune.

He’s holding her back so gently, afraid to squeeze too hard and hurt her and the tiny little life that’s starting inside her. He’s silent, overjoyed but absolutely dumbstruck at the fact it’s real. A month ago he thought about walking into traffic after work and just seeing what happened, now he was a father of 2 with a wife and a happy farm and a life that was good.

A life he deserved.

All thanks to a beautiful little girl with an interest in dinosaurs and making new friends. Amoreena was an angel sent from heaven, improving both of their lives greatly, and now they were making another.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, oh my god yes, I’m just,” he didn’t know what words to say and it was evident. “Amoreena knows?”

She nodded softly, “she now knows girl parts make eggs, boy parts make sperm, and that adults have sex but you can only make a baby at 25, she really didn’t seem to be all that interested in the science, but she’s excited to be a big sister.”

“Wow,” it all caught up to him then, he placed his hand on her stomach softly, “hi little one.”

Y/N laid back against the bed, pulling her shirt up so he could see the barely-there bump, “It’s mostly leftover’s from Amoreena, but yeah, there’s another one in there.”

He couldn’t help himself from running his hands over the curve of her stomach, thinking about Amoreena being in there once upon a time and how tiny she must have been. It was even weirder to think that a part of her was once even in him.

“It’s strange to think that I jerked off into a cup and you made the most perfect kid on earth with it… it just feels like it doesn’t add up. She’s so perfect I can’t believe she was once a part of us both,” he can’t help but let his inner monologue seep out, she didn’t mind it, she loved hearing how his mind worked.

“I can’t wait to see you holding this little one,” her hands joined his on her stomach, the shape of her forefingers and thumbs making a heart over her bare belly.

Spencer leaned in and kissed right in the middle, beside her belly button, in love with whoever was in there already.

“Amoreena had a dream last night too,” Y/N cuts into his little moment, “guess how many sisters she said she had.”

“8?” Spencer can’t help but smile.

She nods, “I don’t know what it is about this house but the good dreams always come true, who knows how many babies are in there right now.”

“I hope just one for now,” he says in all honesty, “I really want time with just one little one, you and Amoreena. A family of four for a bit and then the twins, that’s how it was in the dream.”

“Did they have names?”

“You called them Elly, Junie, tho and Cordelia, and you said there were 3 sets of twins, two after Cordelia,” he remembers it all as if he was really there, whispering all the words against her stomach, his cheek resting on the band of her underwear as he laid between her legs with his arms around her.

“Amoreena, Elizabeth, Juniper, Theodora, and Cordelia were all the options I was choosing from last time,” she says with the widest smile, “how the heck did your mind know that?”

“It felt very real, which is why I was so worried about where I was, I don’t know how I could have missed anything but now I know that part was just my anxiety,” Spencer rationalized it. “Amoreena probably had the better version of that future in her dream last night.”

“I was having a great dream before you came back,” she teases him, running her fingers through his hair as he continues to kiss her stomach.

He loops his fingers around the band of her underwear, sliding it down just low enough to really kiss where that baby of his is hiding out. She lifts her hips into the contact, letting him slip them down her legs and completely off, she spreads her legs even more.

He takes his time pressing a kiss to every single inch of her, her skin is soft, her leg hair is prickly on his hands and his cheeks but it’s nice, he rubs his face against her like a cat marking his territory as she continued to scratch his scalp.

He spread her open with two fingers, he presses a soft kiss to her clitoris and all the way down to her opening before licking a wet stripe up the sensitive skin. The moan she releases is the loudest one he’s heard on her yet, it was really the first time he’s been allowed to really enjoy her.

“It’s important for your partner to help with the stretching in the third trimester,” she teases him, “but they don’t mention anything about starting too early being a bad thing.”

“I don’t want to disrupt anything in there,” he worries aloud, letting her decide if it’s okay.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she laughed, “I don’t think you’d reach them, but if you’re really worried there are other ways to help.”

“Such as,” he asks, lowering his face back down to her wet heat, continuing to explore her with his tongue as he expects her to talk.

“You, um you can, shit, wow,” she props herself up on her elbows to get a better look at what he’s doing as she stalls for a few minutes, “just rub yourself over me, Spencer please, I want more of you.”

She grips him by his cheeks and pulls him up into a kiss, both of them rushing to push his boxers down and off his legs, she spreads her own once more so he can press against her.

His hard cock resting flat against her, rubbing back and forth as he spreads her wetness around with him. The head gliding over her clit just the right way as she held him close to her body, kissing down his neck and sucking marks all over his chest.

She was desperate for him and who was he to deprive her, so he rocked into her more, grinding down harder against her body and making her shaking lightly. It felt better, more intimate, more euphoric than any other sex he’s had, just being close to her had him on the edge faster than he expected to get there.

She’s chanting his name then, head tossed back against the pillow as she digs her fingers into his asscheeks, holding him so close to him he can feel her orgasm rush through her. She stills, bucking up into him one last time as he finishes all across her stomach.

His hands are curled around her cheeks then, holding her perfect face in his hands as he hovers over her, using everything in his power to not crush her or the baby. He’s trying so hard to steady his breathing, so is she, they just smile at each other, laughing lightly at how in love they are.

“I love you,” he says on impulse, “you’re so good to me.”

“Look at all the good you’ve given me,” she whispers, “it would be wrong for me not to love you for everything you’ve done for me, whether you were aware of it or not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to tell you about my depression while your cum dries between us like glue,” she laughed at how crude it sounded.

He laughs lightly too, rolling off her to see just how much of a mess they made. “Tell me in the shower?”

“Seems appropriate,” she agreed, taking his hand and following him into the bathroom.

He loved the old feel of her bathroom, the green linoleum and floral wallpaper, the pink towels and bright orange shower curtain, it was happy and bright and the perfect place to laugh for half an hour as they washed each other.

She has him pressed against the shower wall then, water trickling over them gently as she stares into his eyes, “I don’t know how to say it without it coming out really scary,” she finally resumes the conversation they were about to have in the bedroom.

“I’ve probably been in the same mental state, I’m not going to judge your method of choice,” he explains it in a way that she’ll know he really, really gets it.

“I had a few suicidal thoughts when my grandma went to chemo before I chose your sample and before I did all the hormones, I was thinking why should I stay and bring another life into my misery when I could just die first and not have to see her go through that anymore,” she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth as she stops, letting him digest all the words.

“Did you try anything?” He’s not sure why he’s asking.

She shakes her head, the best no he’s ever seen in his life. “My grandma noticed on my birthday when I wasn't coming down for breakfast like normal, I was really depressed and so we went out and talked and had lunch together for the first time in forever cause she wasn't feeling sick, I’ll never forget it. It was the best and worst birthday of my life.”

“I’m the worst husband ever,” he says, taking her by surprise, “I don’t even know your birthday.”

It makes her laugh, taking her out of the sadness as she realizes he really doesn’t judge her, he gets it completely. “January 16th, 1986, three minutes after Evan,” she manages to say it with a smile.

“That’s the date Maeve died,” both of them stare at each other in shock, wondering just how many other coincidences they had out there to figure out.

“How many days after did you donate?”

“On the 19th,” he confirmed without taking a breath, “holy shit.”

“We both were suicidal on the same day,” she covers her mouth with a wet slap, laughing at the worst thing she’s ever said, it’s the shock and the emotions of everything catching up to her right then and there.

“Oh my god,” he laughs in response, both of them laughing as they hugged in the corner of her green shower. “we are fucked up.”

“Soulmate things,” she shrugged, holding him even tighter.

He wished she could see his face then, the looking that overcame him as he heard the word soulmates. She just called him her soulmate. He licks his lips, taking it all in and almost hyperventilating, she can feel the way his breathing changes as she looks up with concern.

“What?”

He shakes the thoughts out, swallowing sharply as he makes eye contact with her, “nothing.”

“No, I know that look Spencer, what did your brain say to you this time? I will go in there and kick its ass,” she pokes his forehead then, threatening his anxiety to fuck off.

“I never thought I’d get to hear someone say that to me, it’s stupid,” he felt too vulnerable suddenly, sky and closed off.

“Who hurt you?” She asks in complete curiosity, wanting to know why he can’t imagine someone loving him.

“My parents,” it slips out before he can catch it, “I love my mom. I always have to preface that, she did what she could but it was nowhere near enough. I don’t hold anything against her, I just hate that that’s how it was, that she had bad days at all because they always shine brighter in my memory than the good days.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you,” she worries this time, seeing the hurt on his face and feeling like she fucked up, he can read her micro-expressions easier than anyone else.

“I would have told you soon enough, my dad left because of my mom's illness and he made sure I knew he didn’t want me. I don’t care that he kept up with me on the internet, the fact he didn’t even care to let me know he lived 10 miles from me my whole life makes me feel sick. I was 14 point 6 miles away from Amoreena this whole time and I would give all my fucking organs to go back in time and be with her from day 1, I don’t get how he could just not love me?” The rant comes out of his mouth for the first time ever, the same thoughts that have been there building for 40 years bursting at the seam.

She reaches behind them to turn off the water then, stepping away from him while he cools down a bit, “Yeah, no I get it, I hate him too now. That's so fucked up, honey, I'm so sorry.”

It makes him huff out a laugh, “I’m sorry, you’re not my therapist you don’t have to deal with all that.”

“I’m your wife, I deal with that regardless. In sickness and in health remember?” She reminds him, “depression is just as real of an illness as cancer. I don’t want you to keep these thoughts from me. I want to know about every paper cut, every splinter, every bad thought that crosses that beautiful mind because I love you.”

“As long as you always remember that too,” he makes sure that she knows he feels the same. “Don’t keep anything from me thinking it’ll ruin the happy atmosphere of this kingdom, Amoreena would tell you that a castle is only as strong as its weakest brick. If you crack we all tumble.”

“My foundations are strong, if not Derek’s a renovator right?” She raised her eyebrows, making another joke. They were always going to be okay.

“Speaking of, how are we going to house all 12 of these children you plan on having?”

"We, smartie pants, we are having," she tosses the shower curtain out of the way then, stepping out and wrapping herself in a towel, “I was thinking we add a few more rooms, nanny and pop were always adding on to this place, it would be nice to fix it up a bit.”

“I can see if Derek wants to help, or we can find a contractor?”

“Well, Alli still has another 8 weeks till her baby comes, so you might as well do something with Derek here in that time,” she agrees with a smile, “my nanny left everything to me, so I have a decent amount saved still for whatever you guys think the house can handle, I just want it done safely, and it has to match.”

She was bossy, he loved every second of it. “Yes ma’am,” he smiles as he steps out, drying off beside her.

Y/N couldn’t stop smiling at him as she watched him fluff his curly wet hair in the mirror, “how would you like to go out and get our first kid a big sister present before the graduation?”

“We never had a chance to read on Saturday, would you want to get her a big sister book and read at the tree?” Spencer suggests, making eye contact with her reflection in the mirror, even backwards she’s beautiful.

She nods with a smile, “sounds great, daddy.”

He wraps his arms around her before she can leave the room, kissing her neck and shoulder as she squirms, trying to get away from him but failing on purpose. “Spencer, seriously we have to go.”

“Then don’t call me daddy,” he whispers in her ear, and he can physically feel the way it excites her.

“We will revisit this later,” she says with a stern look as she pulls away finally, dropping the towel on purpose as she walks towards her new closet.

She was going to be the death of him, and hopefully, that wasn’t for a long time. Hopefully, he thought right then and there, that the moment he finally does die, he dies is beside her. Happily in his sleep, as they’re in their 90’s, and in a perfect world she’d slip away with him.

“Can I ask a dumb question?” He rushes the words out, taking her up on that offer of hearing all the bad thoughts.

“Always,” she smiles.

“When we get to heaven, stay with me? Pick me instead of Stephen for the forever part?” He’s not sure why he’s crying, or why he’s thinking about it. But it’s where his mind went and she said she’d always follow.

She tilts her head to the side, dropping her shoulders as she sighs, “we can set Stephen and Maeve up with each other.”

It makes him smile, she always knew what to say. “Who knows, they could be the reason all this happened.”

She nods then, “I like the thought of that, they deserve to be happy together, I’m sure they would like each other.”

He really believed they were soulmates then, that something bigger set up all these dominoes and he was so excited to watch them fall. To see where they landed, the beautiful pattern that they would reveal. The wonderful world he was creating with her was always going to be amazing because something greater than them said so.

—

She looked more beautiful than he’s ever seen her as they rolled up to the school. She was physically glowing, her hair was perfect, her dress laid over her stomach in the right way that he could see proof she was with child, even if she called it leftovers from the last one. It was his favourite part of her, it was where she made the best person they knew.

They walked around to the back gate, hand in hand, smiling wide as they walked into the little classroom. There were balloons and streamers everywhere, they had little cupcakes all set up and all of them were in matching blue caps and gowns.

Amoreena waved at them when she saw them, not allowed to leave her seat from where they were practicing their ceremony. It was unbelievably adorable, Spencer couldn’t help but be that Dad who took a million photos on his cellphone. He was never going to miss another moment.

JJ wrapped her arm around him sneakily, startling him as she hugged him, “hello Spencer Reid, father and husband,” she teased him. “Still weird thinking of you as a dad.”

He wanted to tell her, but she’d know soon anyway once she saw the all about me project, “shit,” Y/N says from behind him as she realizes too. “Tell her.”

“We’re having another one,” Spencer whispers in JJ’s ear before she can even react.

She smacks his side as she pulls back, staring at him with her mouth wide open. The same face Henry made when he saw Y/N for the first time, completely shocked and nervous, “oh my god?”

He nodded, “we’re not telling anyone, I was supposed to find out on her all about me project but she didn’t want me to pass out in front of all the kids.”

It made JJ laugh, shrugging as she agreed with the idea, she pulled away from him and wrapped Y/N up in her arms, hugging her ever so softly. Y/N closed her eyes and pressed their cheeks together as she accepted the thank you, knowing JJ was just happy to see Spencer succeed.

She placed a hand on Y/N’s tummy before pulling away fully, “I always hoped I’d see the day where Spencer made a little genius, I still can’t believe Amoreena is his sometimes, that hasn’t really hit me yet, but this… this is real. I’m so happy for you.”

Y/N cried a little, wiping her eyes as she laughed it off, “okay, sorry this is a big day for me, my first baby is graduating, this baby is trying to grow a heartbeat, it’s all a lot.”

“I get it, believe me,” JJ agreed, placing her hand on Y/N’s lover back and holding her close to her side. Bonding in that moment, making Spencer’s heart swell.

“Where’s the cowboy?” She changed the subject, looking for Will.

“Oh there’s a case in Kentucky, I missed Henry’s graduation, so I’m here for Michaels while he’s on the case, it’s only fair,” she explained with a smile, content with how their life and relationship worked.

“Do you want to sit with us?” Y/N offered, pointing at the folding chairs, taking a seat with JJ in the front, sitting between her and Spencer so she could talk to both of them before the ceremony.

It was lovely having them become friends, his first love and the last one he'd ever have.

They passed out tissues (thank god) before the ceremony, Y/N and Spencer both using at least 5 as they watched Amoreena get her tiny scroll of paper, move the string on her hat to the other side and then wave at them. Spencer took at least 100 photos of her, unable to stop how proud he felt that he made her.

What Amoreena failed to mention was that she was chosen to be the class valedictorian, surprising them with a tiny speech at an even tinier podium. It was so cute, both Spencer and JJ recorded it to remember for later.

“My class chose me to talk to everyone because I’m the oldest, lots of my classmates like to think of me as an older sister,” she smiled right at her parents, hinting at the fact she knew when she thought Spencer didn’t yet.

So he played along, looking surprised at the word choice.

“I’ve had the best two years with all my friends in this classroom, Miss Kennedy was the nicest women they could pick to make sure we learned everything we need to before grade school starts,” her words were definitely chosen by her, possibly reworded by her teacher but definitely from her heart.

“My mom taught me the alphabet, she taught me how to spell and count, she taught me lots of things that miss Kennedy taught in here, at first it was hard being the kid who knew more, but then it was fun getting to help everyone else learn,” she continued with the most enthusiastic voice, going off-script as she thought of more. “My dad, though, he’s taught me how special our family is. How special it is to get to meet new people and learn about the world with them, I’m so glad my parents made me so I could learn with all of you these past 2 years.”

All the parents were crying, she was able to touch the hearts of everyone around her. At the age of 7, she was more well-spoken, more understanding and grateful than any of the adults in that room.

“I’ll see you all on the big kid yard next year!” She cheered, jumping up and down and clapping, all her friends rushed to the stage for a big group hug.

His little girl was so unbelievably loved, the way she deserved.

tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #amoreena

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asterroidd · 4 years ago

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sho the todorki

↬ pairing: shouto todoroki x reader

↬ synopsis: you like him, he likes you. the problem? sho's in the friend zone and so it's up to mina, the resident match maker, and company to give you guys a lil push.

alternatively: sho being a dork, hence the title

↬ warning/s: profanity lol, a lot of second hand embarrassment, two insufferable idiots, idk if this is too ooc of shouto but just take this dorky version of him

↬ note: a fic dedicated to @puredivinity that serves as a welcome gift for joining the sho simp club. luv u mara despite all the cursed images i send

Class 3-A has four unspoken rules:

Number one: never play music out loud beyond 8 pm (tried and tested by Denki himself, got blown up by Bakugo)

Number two: don't leave your room at 2 am or a certain grape pervert would harass you

Number three: refrain from mentioning crocs to Kirishima. Just don’t.

And number four: never tell you or Shouto that both of you like each other (just for the sake of entertainment)

It had become customary to not break these four rules or those who dare break it is rumored to have a thousand year duration of bad luck to be passed down generation after generation.

That said, Mina was fed up with the mutual pining you and Shouto clearly exhibit. For two years she watched both of you shy and fluster with one another. His face beet red while you a fumbling mess. Truly a sight to behold. It was like watching a romance movie in real time, but without the stupid opening track.

At first she thought it was cute, it all started one morning during her first year in U.A. You forgot your jacket that day after waking up late and thus have to rush to get on time. Aizawa would have your head if you weren't there in homeroom. So in your idiocy and frantic state, you forgot most of the essential stuff and that includes, of course, a warm jacket.

Mina watched as Shouto stared at you from across the room. With tense shoulders as his gaze constantly drift from your form to his jacket. Her mouth curled upwards, interested with the current situation. It was not every day one could see the infamous Todoroki Shouto so nervous.

She eagerly kept her attention on him, watching as Shouto got up from his seat and slowly made his way to you with shaky legs. Shouto, barely uttering a word, shoved his jacket to you and rushed back to his seat. At that moment, Mina already knew something was blossoming between you and him.

And so it basically became her life mission to make sure you and Shouto end up with one another. She made the promise two years ago, and yet here you both were, two dorks that has a crush on each other but couldn't confess even if the world ends that very moment.

Was it difficult to watch? Yes.

It took all of Mina's entire being to not push his head into yours. She knows the consequences if one breaks the fourth rule. Two years had already pass and graduation is around the corner, she refuses to accept that both of you aren't a couple. As Class 3-A's resident cupid and match maker, she is more than determined to make sure you and him both end up together. Mina would not be inherently breaking rule number four, just gonna give you guys a lil' push with the help of a friend. And that friend is one that possesses an electrification quirk.

"Okay, what do we tell (____) tomorrow?" Denki asked.

Shouto looked over his written notes one last time before nodding and giving his answer, "I'll ask them if they want to have coffee."

"Good! Make sure to?"

"I'll make sure to keep eye contact and. . ." he halted, going over his notes once more. "And make sure that I'm smiling."

Denki flashed him a grin. Clasping a hand around his shoulder and lightly patting it afterwards. "Now, don't forget the lesson I've taught you today. It is important that your date goes smoothly with (____)."

Shouto eagerly nodded, stars dancing in his eyes. His heart clamored inside his chest, beating in a quick tempo comparable to that of allegro. Sweat accumulated on his palm, in which Shouto then hastily wiped it on his shirt. Despite nervousness bubbling inside his stomach, Shouto admits that he is excited to ask you out. "Do you really think (____) and I would be a great couple?"

"Of course, dude! Right, Mina?" Denki turned to his friend. She gave him two thumbs-up, giving fuel to Shouto's confidence for tomorrow's event.

Now that Denki is done giving him an hour-long lesson about asking you out and things to do in a date, Mina was sure everything would go smooth as butter. Like, what could go wrong? Despite Shouto being a dork and foreign to the concept of love, he still has that natural charm that had some swooning for him.

Though, she spoke all too soon.

Mina facepalmed, dragging her palm across her face as Shouto stood frozen before you. She and Denki should've seen this coming.

"(____)," he started, his voice cracking at the end. Suddenly the discoloration and grime in between the cracks of the wall looks interesting. He kept looking everywhere but you.

You tilted your head to the side, "What's up, Sho?"

Heavens above, Shouto loves that nickname.

The male fiddles with the ends of his shirt, his tongue twisting and throat closing which makes it hard to speak. After class had ended, Shouto came up to you asking if he could talk to you somewhere private. He led you to the area behind the gym where no students are on sight. Well, that is except for Mina and Denki who closely followed behind to make sure Shouto wouldn't mess up his chance. The two stayed low, making sure they are well hidden behind the bush nearby.

This was now the moment; the perfect chance for Shouto to ask you out after practicing his lines over and over again. It was a simple question: ‘Do you want to have coffee with me this weekend if you are free?”

Should be easy enough right?

"I- well- uhh. . ." he scratched the area behind his ear. "D-do you maybe want to free?"

Shouto paled, he'd done messed up.

"Wait that's wrong—" he took a deep breath. "Are you coffee this weekend?"

Really? Really Shouto?

"Shit— wait! Coffee this free??"

Can someone take this lost child away?

Denki bit his inner cheek, hands tugging his hair from second hand embarrassment. He had fate on him; had fate that Shouto had rehearsed enough the night before in asking you out. Guess he was wrong.

"What do you mean by that?" you voiced out. You were beyond puzzled, unsure what to make of the situation. First he asks to speak with you in private, now he's a stuttering mess. Could it be that he's confessing? Asking you out?

Your heart quickened at the thought. You were ready to say 'yes'.

"What I mean is uhh. . ." Shouto wished he has his written notes. "Are you weekend for this coffee?"

"YES!!" you shout without thinking.

Wait, what? Hold up.

"Aight, I'm forcing these two to kiss each other." Mina announced. That’s it. She lost hope for the both of you. You and Shouto need professional help. She adjusted her position, ready to get up and intervene. That is until Denki lay a heavy hand on her shoulder.

"Wait," he motioned his head to you. Mina huffed, sitting down once more.

"Sho. . ." you start, a soft smile on your face.

"Y-yes?" damn, Shouto is such a stuttering mess.

"Do you want to grab a coffee this weekend? I mean, if you are free?"

He blinked, your words slowly being registered in his brain. There was a buffer, like an old computer processing 10 kilobyte worth of data. His brain was stuck on 78% in the progress bar. Then, it dawned on him; the cogs and gears turning. It took a full minute for Shouto to understand. "I-. . .I’d love to!" he managed to stutter out.

Welp, at least that did the job. Denki and Mina released a sigh of relief. High-fiving each other despite the obvious fact that Shouto failed his task.

But hey, beggars can't be choosers. All's well, ends well.

You can't believe it.

You have a date with Shouto. THE Todoroki Shouto. The guy you've had a crush on since your first year in UA. The one that swept you right off your feet the moment you laid your eyes on him. The friend that always had your back. With him struggling to ask you earlier, could it mean that he likes you more than a friend?

You let out a squeal, pressing the pillow flush against your chest. In total, you've replayed the scene from memory for over fifty times already. You couldn't even concentrate in doing your homework. So you thought instead of doing your responsibilities, you opted to celebrate by screaming and running around your room in glee.

It wasn't everyday you'd get a douse of serotonin.

You’ve waited for this day since forever. Day dreaming about Shouto being your significant other; holding hands with him, wrapping your arms around his torso, and kissing his lips.

The thought brought forth another pterodactyl squeal from you.

Oh gods, what would you wear? Should it be casual? Semi-formal? Formal?

A wedding dress??

No one told you a date was this stressful. You groaned, prying opening your wardrobe cabinet to quickly plan out an outfit. You can’t afford to look stupid and, dare you say, cheap when you’re on a date with the most sought after male in UA.

Meanwhile, Shouto is also panicking.

“Look man, you messed up once but that’s okay!” Denki cheered him up. “Experience is the best teacher.”

“I know but. . .” Shouto took one deep breath, burying his face in his hands. “I-. . .I just froze up the moment I was in front of them.”

“And that’s normal!”

The moment you and Shouto parted ways, the male immediately went to Denki for some follow up consultation. Sure, he can fight villains face-to-face without batting an eye. Could freeze half of his enemies without a drop of sweat. Unleash an inferno of fire to defeat his oponent. Tolerate a bunch of fans shoving cameras up his face to get a close-up picture.

But Todoroki Shouto, for the love of god, couldn’t ask you out without freezing in place and become a stuttering mess.

“Lighten up man!” Denki nudged his shoulder. “Unleash the tiger inside you.”

“But I don’t have a tiger inside me. That would be anatomically incorrect.”

“Look—that’s not the—. . .what I mean is—uhh. . .nevermind. . .” the blond struggled with his words. He had to be careful with what advice he throw at Shouto. That man takes things way too literately. “What I mean is, toughen up. Have confidence on yourself. You’ll have (____) falling for you before you knew it.”

Which will be easy since (____) is a simp for him, Denki thought.

Shouto raised his fist then clenched it, determination washing over him. He gave one brief nod to his mentor (that is the personification of Pikachu).

He can do it. Todoroki Shouto could do it.

He’d go over his lines a thousand times before the date. He’d make sure he is 110% prepared before the weekend. Denki had made a dent in his schedule just to tutor him how to make you fall in love with him. Shouto wouldn’t let this go to waste.

Yes, this man is prepared and is on a mission he couldn't possibly fail.

Scratch that, Shouto’s a mess.

He pulled the end of his sleeves, his legs bouncing up and down. The male bit the inside of his cheeks, was the weather hot or was it just his insides burning up. Shouto couldn’t sleep the night before, his mind kept him up. It was like 17 browser tabs are open, with three of them frozen, and he doesn’t know where the music is coming from.

Due to the jitters getting the best of him, Shouto arrived at the agreed destination. . .two hours earlier than what was expected.

Which wasn’t a problem anyway, since you did the same.

You huffed, doubling over and placing your hands on your knees. You had ran from your house all the way to the cafe just to make sure you weren't late this time. In attempts to catch your breath, you’ve failed to notice your date standing just a few feet away from you. The minute Shouto laid his eyes on you, fire sparked deep within his heart. Someone pinch him and tell this wasn’t a dream.

“(____),” he walked close to which startled you.

“Sho! You-. . . you’re early!”

“So are you. . .”

Then silence fell between both of you. Talk about awkward. Who’s idea was it to get these two idiots in a date? If anything, both of you should’ve just left it on mutual pining and save it as a story for the grandchildren.

Shouto cleared his throat, hands scratching the back of his neck. “Well, since we’re both early. Why won’t we enter the café?”

You nodded, your voice box failing you. Inwardly, you were screaming your heart out. The embarrassment was just too much for you to handle. You doubt that Shouto would want a second date at this point.

And so you lagged behind him, keeping a feet distance away from the male. You have a hard time looking at him without making a mess for yourself. Blood rushing your cheeks, it was hard to ignore the butterflies fluttering inside your stomach.

The café was quite small. A handful of potted plants hung outside, the store’s name written in calligraphy, and a few customers visible from the window. The establishment was newly built, Ochako introduced it to you about a week ago. The cheesecake they sell is to die for—it was definitely worth the hefty price.

A small chime went off as Shouto opened the door. Then it hit you; the strong smell of coffee. You were not a big fan of the beverage, but you’ve got to admit that the scent was pleasant. Without prior warning, Shouto lightly held your hand in his. His thumb gliding over the back of your hand a few times. You took in a sharp inhale, eyes widening at his gesture.

This is what they do in dates right? Shouto recalled his notes.

So this is like a DATE date?? Not a friendly date? Somebody pinch me right now, you thought.

“We should find a table,” he spoke, eyes refusing to make contact with yours. You’ve managed to stutter out an agreement, too occupied with the feeling of his hands. It was so warm—just the way you imagined it throughout the years.

You could finally die now in peace. Goodbye cruel world.

Soon enough, you and he are situated on a table near the window. Neither of you dare start a conversation, because god forbid another awkward interaction. Years worth of watching romance series could have never prepared you for such an instance. You wished you should’ve consulted some of your classmates—especially those who have experience in the topic of dating—before coming here yourself. You could try and message them, but you wondered if it would be rude to pull out your phone and ignore Shouto. No, you wouldn’t take the chance.

“Uh- So how are you, (____)?” he asked, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Oh, uhhh—. . .” how does one even speak again? “I’m doing well, I guess. . .?”

That was lame, (____). Lame.

“How about you?”

Shouto was silent, you figured he didn’t hear you so you repeated yourself once again. All the while not looking at his direction. It would be better if you don’t see his face or you’ll turn into a puddle of mess.

But seconds seem to drag to minutes, and that got you concerned.

“Sho—“ you cut yourself short, realizing that he was staring at you with a lovestruck expression. He looks at you rather softly, like how one would look at a small pet one happens to cross by while walking. The way Shouto kept his gaze at you made you insecure. Was there something on your face? Hair? Shirt? Oh gods, did you smell?

You wished that, right then and there, the earth would swallow you whole.

“Sorry I was just. . .” he faltered in his sentence, gulping down his saliva. Shouto then turned his head to the side, a blush ever so present on his cheeks as well as the tips of his ears.

"Sorry, you're just—just so cute in that outfit that I can’t help but stare."

His voice was quiet, barely a whisper but you heard it, ironically, loud and clear. Your hand found its way on your mouth, blood rushing to your cheeks as a result of his compliment.

“Tha-thank you. . .” you’ve managed to croak out, looking down and fiddling with your nails.

Just. WOW. You can’t believe it. Never once did Shouto commented on your appearance throughout the duration of your friendship with him. What he did was just. . .just so unexpected from him. You find it hard to believe yourself.

All these years, you’ve hidden your feelings for him. Trapped it inside a chest and swallowed the key yourself. Him falling for you is comparable to that of pigs flying; it was impossible to happen. Yet both of you sat there, like two dorks, a blushing mess while refusing to make eye contact with one another. For once, maybe this time, you could tell him how you feel.

“I like you. . .” you voiced out your thoughts. It took you a minute to realize what you've done. You let out a small gasp and directed your attention to Shouto. He was also looking at you, baffled. He went silent, his jaw went slack, and eyes wide open, trying to find the words to reply.

Oh boi, did you made a mistake?

“(__—“

“BECAUSE YOU’RE MY FRIEND!” Your jaw tightened, declaring it all too loudly just in case he rejects you. “I like you because you’ve been a good friend to me.”

You hope you were doing this right.

Unbeknownst to you, Shouto felt his heart break into two after hearing your added comment. His shoulders slumped down, sadness clouded his features.

“I. . .I see. . .” he muttered. “I like you too,” he said after a pregnant pause.

Your whole face lit up. Now it was your turn to look at him with a baffled expression. There was a twinkle in your eye, is this it? The moment of your life?

“Because you’re my precious friend.” Shouto plastered a smile on his face.

Oh. Welp, Mina and Denki tried.

RIP to both of you, forever pushing the other in the friend zone.

ya’ll want a bakugo version of this? (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ✧

#shouto x reader #todoroki x reader #shouto todoroki #shoto x reader #mha #bnha #my hero academy #boku no hero academia #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mutual pining #reader insert

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antiloreolympus · 3 years ago

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8 Anti LO Asks

1. Nah but i agree tho, hermes and persephone in lo just have more chemistry and actual history/compatibility that she just doesnt have with hades, and the same can be said with hades and hera. its just wild the whole point of the comic is supposed to be about hxp and yet theyre so boring//illogical meanwhile decent writing goes into them being with other people.

2. LO is supposed to have modern values, yet the gods, or at least hades, are authoritarians? like the denizens of the underworld do not like him, so they have every right to question persephone and see if shes actually going to be a good queen to maybe make their lives better and not just someone to aide in hades' abuses of powers, and it's pointing towards the latter. how is this "progressive' if it promotes absolute monarchs are allowed to do whatever they want and face no consequences for it?

3. so much of what could have been interesting design symbolism is just gone. persephone and hades were dressed in white and black to look like a bride and groom? now every guy wears a black suit and the women all wear white, no matter the relationship. the red eyes are to symbolize persephone's inner darkness and feelings? theyre just slapped on at random now. her hair length lost all meaning. persephone isnt even a unique color anymore. any thought that was once there is just gone now.

4. good lord the person who interviewed rachel for that fancast is kissing her ass hard, arent they? people have been fancasting their stuff for years now, even when it's just for themselves, she's hardly the first or most important person to do so, esp when it comes with some, ahem, rather racist undertones. why are most if not the only people of color the villains or hypersexual compared to the pale and pure persephone? rachel please check your internalized biases here for a second, please.

5. Maybe it's unwarrented, but the non-greek names of some of the nymphs pisses me off to no end, and I'm not even Greek. They feel so out of place! Why does EVERYTHING have to be Americanized?!?!

6. the flying stuff persephone does also is such a dumb cop out? like one of the most iconic things in myth is the chariots and their animals, including demeter having flying snakes. plus shes not even unique in it either? like hermes flies, so does zeus and hades and im sure basically everyone else, so who cares? how is it a big deal if persephone does it? doesnt that also just make the powers of the gods less unqiue? like so whats so special about hermes then?

7. does anyone know why hxps first meeting was retconned tho? bc them meeting with cerberus is still something webtoons clings to advertise it yet thats not canon anymore bc they met way earlier with persephone being naked, him drunk, and her possibly being underage at the time too?? like theres so many dumb writing choices in this series but retconning the one iconic part in nearly 4 years of publishing for a creepy new version that just makes the series more confusing is so??? why???

8. Okay the shading on Persephones outfit with her pink skin tone makes the outfit look pink as Well.

Also lmao Hades outfit makes him look like a military dictator not a king. The tassels on the coat make it seem like hes going to war not to court.... Well I guess he is sorta declaring war on Zeus by not backing him and protecting Persephone - whos currently a "traitor to the triarchy".

(Also why is Persephone so Tiny next to him?? I can't be the only one who thinks she looks like a child?? Or young teen and not a young woman?)

Whyre people getting mad at Demeter? Shes a mom. She was worried about Persephone. And yeah, maybe the questions arent the "most pressing" but if I was Demeter I too would be wondering where my (basically) teen daughter was staying (with a friend or 40 yr old man who you barely know).

And considering Demeters insistence on whether Perse was with Hecate makes me think Hecate lied to Demeter - so shes likely covering Hades and Kore's asses because she knows its creepy and that if Demeter knew the truth she would (rightfully) freak out. (And I would also be concerned with why the underworld staff are referring to my daughter who I haven't seen in weeks as "my lady" and (I know she didnt hear this, but) why the king of the underworld is referring to Perse as "his wife" even mistakenly).

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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baoshan-sanren · 4 years ago

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Chapter 50

Emperor Wei WuXian And His Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Birthday

Nie HuaiSang wrinkles his nose at the smell.

It has been some years since he has descended into the dungeons, but the damp air seems heavier now than it had been in the past. They are not meant to be enjoyable, the dungeons, and more pleasant accommodations would defeat the purpose of using them as a form of punishment. Still, HuaiSang does not understand why nothing can be done about the smell. The fan does precious little aside from moving the sticky air across his cheeks, and he folds it irritably, tapping Song Lan on the shoulder.

“Are you certain that torture will yield no results? I assure you, Madam Yu has made quite an art of it over the years. I think she takes pride in obtaining confessions without spilling a drop of blood.”

Song Lan shakes his head. They have spoken of this before, but HuaiSang knows that his voice will carry to the nearest cells. Perhaps Xue ChengMei cannot be tortured into a confession, but there is no harm in issuing a threat.

The boy is on his feet long before they reach him, forehead pressed against the bars, a mischievous grin etched across surprisingly attractive features. HuaiSang understands that a monster’s appearance will rarely reflect their inner monstrosity, but even he has to admit that this is slightly ridiculous. The boy looks fifteen years old at most, short in stature, small in build. The only vaguely threatening features of his appearance are the white, sharp teeth, but even those are made more menacing by their surroundings. Had the boy grinned at him in a well-lit courtyard instead of doing so in-between the bars of a cell, HuaiSang would have thought him cute, rather than dangerous.

“The Royal Companion,” the boy exclaims, “what an unexpected pleasure! I am a great admirer of yours.”

“Is that so?” HuaiSang says, “Do not spare the detail. I am always willing to be admired.”

Xue ChengMei’s eyes glitter in the darkness, his grin unwavering, “I should have known you would make no pretense of false humility.”

“Not precisely the way I prefer to be flattered.”

“It is your deeds I admire,” the boy says, “Tell me, does Sect Leader Su still believe that his son perished from a snake bite? Do you not think it extremely unfortunate? To be bitten by a yellow tail in MoLing?”

The boy taps his lips with his finger, issuing an exaggerated wink, “What a studious, sturdy snake that must have been, to have traveled all the way from QingHe just for a taste of the Young Master Su.”

HuaiSang mirrors the boy’s movement, tapping his lips with the fan.

Interesting. And potentially problematic.

“Your performance was not nearly as impressive,” HuaiSang smiles, “Such a common poison, with such an easily obtainable antidote. Surely, you did not expect that plan to work.”

“Ahh,” the boy sighs, pressing his cheek against the iron bar, “not all of us can be masters of the art I suppose. But the resulting chaos was quite entertaining.”

“Tell me about the Emperor’s potential,” HuaiSang says, “Tell me about achieving greatness.”

“Oh, but I have a much more interesting story to tell.”

“I am bored now,” HuaiSang turns to Song Lan, “let us go back.”

“Your father,” Xue ChengMei says quickly, “was no older than myself when the Empress took the throne. Such a young age, to be handed such great responsibility. Are you sure that you do not care to hear the story?”

HuaiSang’s fingers do not clench around his fan. He is calm as still water.

“You will like it,” the boy goes on, excitedly pressing himself against the bars, “it is a story no one else knows, but I am willing to share it with you.”

“Most of his words are deranged nonsense,” Song Lan says decisively, “there is no need to humor him.”

“Might as well,” HuaiSang says, glad to hear himself sound unaffected, “He seems anxious to tell it.”

“I am,” Xue ChengMei exclaims, “It is a fascinating tale. Many, many years ago, there was a mad Emperor who had a gift for demonic cultivation. But trying to control resentful energy comes with a cost. In order to continue using this infinite resource without harming himself in the process, he decided to store this energy into an object. The object would be capable of concentrating and directing the energy, but the process of creating such a thing came with a cost as well. He committed endless atrocities, slaughtered thousands of people, burned towns, rivers ran red with blood, so on and so forth,” he waves his hand impatiently, “You know that part of the story I am sure. Temples and cities obliterated, Sects decimated, advisors strung up by their toes, blah-blah.”

The impatient wave of his hand is such a perfect mirror image of Wei Ying’s own frequently used gesture, that HuaiSang is both alarmed and nauseated to see it.

“This part is known to all; the Emperor’s little niece, his favorite creature in the world, decides that the Emperor must be replaced, and murders her own uncle in cold blood. This is a story told and retold. Every child can recite the details. The Emperor’s experiments had failed, the Emperor was killed, the Empress took the throne, years of peace followed. But,” the boy presses his forehead to the iron bar, “this story is wrong.”

“Is it?” HuaiSang says, more and more convinced that this creature is dangerously unstable, “How so?”

“The Emperor did not fail in his experiments,” Xue ChengMei whispers conspiratorially, “He had succeeded. He had managed to create an object which can store infinite amounts of resentful energy, an object which can be used by any of his descendants. Any descendants, that is, who posses a particular affinity for demonic cultivation.”

HuaiSang feels his stomach turn, “The sword.”

“The sword,” the boy confirms, “Now, this is the interesting part of the story. The Empress, having grown up at court, did not have many trustworthy friends. But she did have three close confidants, two sworn brothers and a sister, peers she explicitly trusted. One of them, your father, was entrusted the sword. He was to place the sword in the Nie family's Ancestral Hall, where no descendent of YanLing DaoRen could lay their hands on it again. Can you guess what happened next?”

HuaiSang no longer cares that the boy can see his tight grip on the fan.

“Enlighten me,” he says coldly.

“Your father did not follow the Empress’ order,” Xue ChengMei grins brightly, “and who can blame him, truly? A young girl, not a full day in possession of the throne yet, asking him to hide such an object? If she were to lose her seat within a year, who would stand in the Nie Sect’s defense? Who would believe that the Nie Sect had obtained such an object for the sake of protecting the throne, instead of personal gain? You may think yourself a rare creature, Young Master Nie,” the boy winks again, “but I think you will find that the Nie Sect Leaders have always been pragmatists at heart.”

HuaiSang ignores the jab, his mind a whirlwind, “What did he do with the sword?”

The boy offers an exaggerated shrug, “Pawned it, sold it, given it away. What difference does it make?”

He is lying; HuaiSang knows this. He had made no effort to make it sound like the truth.

“How did you get it?”

“A friend gave to me,” Xue ChengMei says, blinking innocently through the bars.

“A friend who is still in the Immortal Mountain City?”

“Maybe,” the boy says, “Maybe not. Maybe he is no longer a friend. One cannot always trust those they call friends,” his grin is a sharp, sickly-sweet thing, “I believe this is a lesson the Emperor has yet to learn.”

HuaiSang wants nothing more than to take a hot, fragrant bath, and forget that he had ever spoken to this creature.

“You wanted the Emperor to become another YanLing DaoRen. To what purpose?”

“Wei WuXian would never be another YanLing DaoRen,” Xue ChengMei scoffs, “He would be so much more. A perfect vessel of destruction. A divine entity. Chaos personified.”

Well.

That answers that question.

HuaiSang taps his fan against his leg, thinking.

“Your attempts to eliminate the Lan Sect. You did not want the presence of those who can cleanse the Emperor of the resentful energy. But the Lan Sect is still here. The Emperor will recover. Your plan has failed.”

Xue ChengMei does not seem upset by the revelation, “Plans fail on occasion. There is always tomorrow.”

“You must have a great deal of confidence in your friend, who is maybe no longer a friend, if you intend to live long enough to see tomorrow.”

The boy only smiles in response.

It is an empty threat.

HuaiSang hates making empty threats.

A Jin Sect disciple cannot meet an accidental death in the Immortal Mountain City dungeons; not unless HuaiSang means to cause a diplomatic disaster. The situation at court is still too tense, too fragile for such heavy-handed solutions.

HuaiSang also cannot reveal the reasons for Xue ChengMei’s imprisonment. Such an accusation would result in a swift death, with no opportunity to draw out the accomplices he must have in the Immortal Mountain City.

No, the boy is infinitely more useful alive, although it sets HuaiSang’s teeth on edge to have this creature anywhere near Wei Ying.

There are many more questions he could ask, but the smell is unbearable, and for the time being, he has the majority of the answers he needs. The boy’s revelations may have been sparse and unpleasant, but HuaiSang has never needed all the pieces of a tangram to discern its shape.

Only when he is climbing the stone steps, does one particular sentence come back to him with full force, and he finds himself shaking his head in disbelief.

Chaos personified. As if Wei Ying had ever needed a demonic sword to be worthy of such a title.

#the untamed #cql #mdzs #ficlet #m #wwx emperor au #okay so i mixed up the order last time #this is xue yang's creepy story time #wangji's pov is next #ily chickens

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mostly-marvel-musings · 4 years ago

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We were on a break - Chapter 1

A/N: Some characters from Agents of Shield make an appearance but I’ve taken way too many creative liberties to stick to that plot. Feedback is welcome as always :))

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader

Summary: Circumstances have led (Y/N) and Tony to part ways. Continuing to work with Shield, a latest mission requires you and a few others to track down a business tycoon who could possibly be working for Hydra. Your plan to get into the man’s inner circle goes awry when a remorseful Tony shows up at the mission location.

Series Masterlist

Taglists open! If you wish to be tagged in future chapters, send me an ask.

Warning: Strong language, angst, smut in future chapters.

Word count: 1147

Tags: @shipatheart @tone-stark @thevanishedillusion @kahlanmars @loveisallyouneed1125 @kaestatic @swaggysposts @lieswithoutfairytales @agustdowney @booktease21 @panicattheeverywherekid @taina-eny

…

Persistent ringing coming from somewhere on your left, brought you to consciousness. You groaned and turned away, hoping to block it out. Through half open eyes, you saw Clint scrambling about, trying not to trip on his own feet as he answered his phone.

He was speaking to his wife a bit too loudly for your hung over self, making you blindly reach for a pillow and throw it in his general direction. Natasha chuckled at your attempt as you saw her sitting up beside you, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

“Fuck off, Barton! It’s not even morning yet.” You grumbled, not bothering to actually check the time.

“It’s ten o’ clock, sleeping beauty. And Laura wants to talk to you.” Clint grinned as he handed you the phone, making you glare at him.

You weren’t exactly in the mood to have the ‘how are you holding up’ conversation post your break-up or break or whatever it was with Tony. But you knew you had to face Laura, she meant well and cared for you just like the other two agents currently lounging in your apartment.

Begrudgingly, you took the phone throwing the blankets away and walked out onto the balcony.

After fifteen long minutes of ‘it’s gonna get better sweetie’ and ‘you should come over for a chat’, you got back inside. A visit to the Barton household was due, given that Laura was expecting a baby and you missed her and the kids.

“So, did she give you her ‘you’re better off without him’ speech?” Natasha asked, walking into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, you following closely behind.

“Oh yes. Got the remix version of it.” chuckling, you shook your head as you sat down on the breakfast counter, waiting for either of the two to make coffee.

You partied a bit too much last night, a little at the bar, a lot back at your apartment. It ended with Clint showing off his archery skills in your balcony, and you bawling your eyes out over your failed relationships with Nat consoling you. You had also asked how Tony was doing in your drunken haze. As far as you remembered the conversation with Nat, he was equally distraught which relieved you to some extent.

“God we’re really getting old. My head is killing me.” You sat back on the sofa, massaging your temples.

“At least you don’t have to report to HQ today. Barton and I have a debriefing this afternoon.” Nat muttered, rolling her eyes as she sat opposite you on a lounge chair.

“So does (Y/N). She’s my boss now remember?” Clint yelled out from the kitchen, over the whirring sound of a blender. As happy as you were about the level up, you were in dire need of sleep.

Clint sauntered into the living room holding two large glasses of banana milkshake his hands, making you scowl. His famous hangover cure.

“Drink up boss. We gotta go.”

…

The HQ was bustling with agents as you arrived and headed straight for Maria Hill’s office. She called you in as Nat and Clint were summoned by another agent for some work.

You felt your stomach drop as you saw the man you never thought you’d see turn around in a swivel chair to look at you.

Your mouth went dry as you locked eyes with the man whom you hadn’t seen in weeks, who despite being described as ‘heartbroken’ by Nat had made no attempts of calling you. You didn’t expect him come begging but you hadn’t expected complete radio silence either, which had just added fuel to fire.

Cursing your mind to start functioning properly, you walked further into the office space, putting a considerable distance between you and Tony Stark.

Agent Hill cleared her throat snapping you back to reality.

“Agent (Y/L/N), glad you could join us. I was just finishing up here, let’s head to the conference room.”

Couldn’t she have had you wait in there instead of here with him staring at your nervous form?

He looked much more composed and unruffled than you, then again he’d been putting on a facade for media and the world for years now. He wasn’t a stranger to the practiced ‘poker face’.

“Agent (Y/L/N)?”

You had been busy staring at the ground to notice Maria Hill holding the door open for you to step out and Tony was nowhere to be seen.

When the hell did he walk out?

You saw Tony and Maria exchange a hushed conversation from the corner of your eye as you continued to walk down the hall.

Mentally shaking yourself to get it together, you reached the conference room to find Clint, Agent Simmons, Agent Ward waiting for the debriefing to begin. You exchanged pleasantries, glancing at the door every now and then, in case Tony decided to show up here too. He didn’t.

Agent Hill walked in few moments later, alone. She gave you a cursory glance before sitting at the far end of the table.

“We have a lead on the man we’ve been tracking for months, Andrew Leeds. Agent (Y/L/N), this will be your first mission as a Level 8 agent. Safe to say these guys will be taking orders from you. But first, Mr Stark had some information on Leeds as he’s had an encountered him a few times.” Maria Hill began, the lights dimmed and the conference table converted into a screen, bathing the room in a blue white glow.

“Leeds has been dealing in weapons almost for as long as Stark Industries. They met at a convention once or twice. He has a close circle of four maybe five people who do his bidding and dirty work for him. The man has a reputation for hosting lavish parties and being a flirt.”

You kept your gaze on the screen below which flashed photos of your target at various events.

Tony would never miss an opportunity to lead a team, even if it was just to give info. Why hadn’t he come in?

Your alter ego rolled her eyes at the obvious. He didn’t come in because of you.

Agent Hill began explaining the details on Leeds’ last known location, putting your obsessive thoughts on the back burner.

…

Natasha and Clint had to hang back so you drove back alone, the sky grey with gloom, picking up dinner from your favorite Thai place near your apartment. Throwing the keys in the bowl blindly, you switched on the lights and began stripping on your way to the bedroom for a shower.

Stepping out in a towel, you were rummaging through the underwear drawer when your phone buzzed. Putting on sweatpants and Tony’s old MIT hoodie that you never returned, you checked the notification.

Congratulations on your promotion, Pep told me. You deserve it, Agent (Y/L/N). – T.S.

…

#tony stark x reader #tony stark angst #tony x reader #we were on a break #tony stark series #tony stark fluff #tony stark fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #tags are open #mostly marvel musings

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whyqueerbaitingisbad · 4 years ago

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movies & shows

cracks knuckles* alright this is going to be more of a rant than an analysis because i’m basing this on both my research, but also how it felt to personally be baited by these shows. there are obviously more pieces of bad (almost every horror movie) and good ones but these are the ones i’ve watched.

please keep in mind that i am but one queer and everyone has different opinions.

Supernatural (CW) 2005

This show is 15 years old and just ended. From season 5 till 15, there has been tension between two of the lead characters. They were constantly shipped together and not only did the entire fandom know about this ship but so did almost all of Tumblr. On top of that, the actors and show runners knew about it as well. Which is why it makes it ridiculous that it was constantly pushed aside while the romantic coding kept happening, even after show runners dismissed it as being intentional. The Destiel (Dean x Cas) case has been going on for years, and as the show came to its end, many fans had hope. But N O P E. Instead, we got a love confession from Cas where Dean looked like he was near constipated and the Cas was killed and sent into a fiery place that was not hell but s u p e r h e l l.

… w hy.

Sherlock (BBC) 2010

Just like Supernatural, this show was renown on Tumblr for not only how good it was, but its hinting at a potential relationship between Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. But again, like Supernatural, the intentional tension between the two characters was denied by producers. This caused an uproar within the fandom, and even left some people believing that, after the last season aired, it had been a joke and the producers were hiding a “secret, unaired season” because they had felt so robbed by this show that had implied something and denied it.

The 100 (CW) 2014

We got lesbians. We got background gays. We were happy. Then, all of a sudden, one of them is killed for no reason. Did it advance the plot? No. Was she fighting and died in battle? lol no. She was doing literally nothing and got shot and died. And then the producers kept bringing her back once a season in the form of a ghost or illusion because why? Because she was a fan favourite queer character. ✨bury your gays and sparingly bring them back for profit anyone?✨

Voltron: Legendary Defender (Netflix) 2016

*deep breathe* This one is a special disaster. Not only was there romantic tension and romantically coded scenes for 7 seasons, but producers, voice actors and artists working on the show repeatedly said “don’t worry klance (Keith x Lance) shippers, you’ll be happy”

. … w h e r e??? You code one of their scenes with a sunset in the background while they talk about love and then one of them goes on a date with someone who has declined his advances for 7 seasons but now in season 8 decides to do a full 180. Not only that, but you announce at a Comic Con (a convention) that a character is gay and has a fiancé, only to kill off the fiancé and never make it explicit in the show except at the last second of the last episode where he marries a no name character.

Personally, i’d like to say a big fuck you to the show that strung me along for 2 years and never stopped saying we’d be happy to then pull the rug out from under us and call us crazy for thinking anything from the past 8 seasons was intentional.

Scooby-Doo (2002)

While not being outwardly queerbaiting, this movie’s filmmaker has just revealed some shocking news, which wasn’t at all shocking to the gays who had watched this movie over the years. In July of 2020, James Gunn, the filmmaker of Scooby-Doo, revealed in a podcast that, initially, Velma was explicitly gay in his script, but then the studio watered it down until it became nothing. This isn’t an example of baiting as much as it is changing a character’s initial design to “better fit an audience”. The worst part of all this is that with Velma’s character having been written with a l i t t l e queer subtext, people had been theorizing about if since the movie came out, but were always yelled at by the internet for “imagining something that isn’t there”. But now, even with it being said that the initial point was for her to be gay, people have no objections to still refusing to accept it. Why?? So we can’t get the subtext gays OR the confirmed gays?? Make it make sense.

Brooklyn 99 (NBC) 2013

To have the queer characters firstly introduced without mentioning their sexualities and have it brought up naturally was so goddamn nice to see, because no one does a big deal about it unless they ask for that. This show is amazing in general but the way they show their queer characters is *chefs kiss*.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power (Netflix) 2018

This. Show. My heart SOARS. It's just a remake of an old show so absolutely nothing was ever expected, but then it was sprinkled in and ENDED WITH A BANG. And it was so beautiful and real to see the struggle of two friends who care for each other and want to be together but have different visions of the world fall in love. And they also had characters with disabilities, a non-binary character and jUST SUCH A GOOD SHOW.

Kipo and The Age of Wonderbeasts (Netflix) 2020

This is a case where you go into it not expecting anything and are BLOWN AWAY by the bare minimum. And not because it’s bad!! It's mind blowing because this is the simple representation we need!! Not something over the top, but an every day relationship. It’s just two boys falling in love and going on dates and being nervous around each other, yet i was so stunned. Because it’s not shown enough. I should not be this excited over something that should be this normal. 10/10 though this show is so good for all kinds of representation.

Steven Universe (Cartoon Network) 2013

This show did so much for queer representation with its general message of loving everyone and loving who you want. Especially since it was aired on Cartoon Network, a channel for kids, it was able to help normalize something so looked down upon in some circles. It made it easy to watch for s o m e people because it's a cartoon but it's so beautiful to see these ladies so in love with each other, both platonically and romantically and we see them have a family dynamic that isn’t a “nuclear family”. Rebecca Sugar (creator) really said “lemme just break all stereotypes real quick”.

Adventure Time (Cartoon Network) 2010

It's the “knowing a fanbase shipped something so hard that the creators made it canon” for me. This relationship had been theorized by fans for years, but it had never been explicit in the show. When the finale episode came out and the two shared a kiss, it was a moment of celebration. The producer of the show said that it had not really been planned but when the episode was being made, the choice of what happened was given to one of the artists (bless your soul Hanna K. Nyströmthe). And as the show releases little bonus episodes, its latest was centered around Marceline and Bubblegum and their relationship. AND WE LOVE TO SEE OUR DOMESTIC LESBIANS BEING HAPPY AND IN LOVE.

Yuri on Ice!!! (anime) 2016

The fact that an A N I M E gave us a love story between two men is mind boggling and it makes me so happy!! Especially because it's a Japanese show and they’re very conservative about these things just makes it more emotional. The creators said they wanted to make the anime take place in a world where gay/straight isn’t a thing, it’s just love (ladies, you’re going to make me cry). So as the weekly episodes came out and fans start speculating, THEY GAVE US THE LAST FEW EPISODES FULL OF ROMANCE AND EMOTIONAL SCENES BETWEEN THE TWO AND THEN THEY GET R I N GS?!???!! You watch for the figure skating, you stay for the figure skaters that are in love.

Shadowhunters (Freeform) 2016

*insert me being frustrated that the actors are straight so we can move on from that disappointment*

This show really said “let’s name a whole episode after this couple because they deserve it”. But seriously, they gave us two characters whose entire plot does not center around their sexualities while still showing us the differences in a relationship between someone experienced and someone new at this. They were both powerful and amazing characters apart from each other, with their own story lines and goals but they loved each other so much omgs. SO MUCH.

It was so great to watch.

Love, Simon (2018)

There’s a lot of disagreement on whether this movie is good representation or not. However, we need to take into consideration that this was Hollywood’s first movie with a main character that was gay, where the story’s focus was on Simon’s love story. The biggest problem, for me at least, was that the actor playing Simon is a straight man and not queer. My problem is not with him, but the fact that there are other actors that are gay and that could have played Simon just as well. (the love interested was however played by a queer actor so ✨progress✨)

All in all, this movie does represent what a lot of queer kids have to go through: being outed at school, how they then come out, the bullying and doubt they go through.

The book is also really good.

Call Me By Your Name (2018)

This movie is so aesthetically pleasing and was able to capture the confusion and heartbreak felt by a boy who’s struggling with his own feelings towards a man. His inner conflict and joy and l o v e he feels but doesn’t know how to deal with is so well communicated through the screen and just breaks your heart because it feels so real.

But again, they could’ve gotten gay actors to play gay characters…

through having this list here, i want to show you that it’s not hard for creators to give good queer representation. the LGBTQ+ community isn’t asking for much, we just want to be well represented on screen as just a regular character, not some token queer kid there for the diversity points. having been exposed to so much queerbaiting and just not seeing any representation on screen, i always get over-excited when i see a queer character, and that’s not how it should be. it should be a normal thing, something you can find in most pieces of media, just like there’s a straight white cisgender person in everything.

and they seriously need to start casting queer actors for queer characters...

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aiden-gd · 3 years ago

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Split

I grew up in a village/town where there's a big main road, actually it was a national highway , in front of my house and with green paddy fields and mountains at the back of it. There wasn't enough electricity that time to fulfill our needs, so a generator was always necessary to suffice the load at nights. I even remember reading for exams with a candle lit room, and surviving the hottest days with my hands dipped inside a bucket full of water. I was 8 years old, when I realized that I love music and that I love to sing, that it doesn't matter what words they were actually in the song, but "Love story" by Taylor Swift, still doesn't make any sense in the way I used to sing. I started listening to more songs regardless of the genre, bc I loved each and every one of it as long as they had a tune. My music taste went from Taylor Swift to Cradle of Filth, Enya to My Chemical Romance, and One Republic to Mazzy Star, and the list goes on. I remember holding onto one of my sister's idea of naming cats after artists, bc pretty Mazzy was named after the "Fade into you" singer..... or artist?? idk. But the idea was oddly fascinating to me, altho now there's no way I'll name my cat "Ariana" , bc it sounds very weird, at least to me.

I had a red jacket which I wore, on top of another black jersey. A black stocking, and a shorts above it. It was December, and I remember vividly how I used to carry one long stick, touch the water in the pond and admire the ripples, thinking that was Master Oogway's stick and I had acquired the "inner peace". A gang of cats followed me while I was having my special ritual, everyday, and they played around me. At times I hit the fern tree, so I can entertain my kittens with the old leaves falling down from it like confetti altho to them, it must be just some spark of weird curiosity. The smell of burning pinewood that time didn't feel like it will always bring me to that moment of life everytime I encounter it in the future. I was younger then. I practiced the scene of the then popular Thai movie "Crazy thing called love" where Nam had her glow up when she successfully threw that ceremonial stick in the march in the most beautiful way. I practiced and practiced and sometimes I stepped on one of the cat's tail while admiring my stick flying with a violet sky as background , or sometimes my stick would hit them on their head or back. I did my compensation by letting them play with my hand and leaving all their scratches as aesthetic remarks. Those moments engraved itself at the back of my head, and there's no denial for my sudden urge to go back in time to experience that again. I was a wondering soul escaping reality. If I was an actress, that role will be my favorite until the day I grow old and retire. That time's comfort still exist, now, when I listen to the songs I used to play near the water, when I successfully spin a random stick I picked up somewhere,and when ..... December knocks at my door at the end of the year, I can still feel the embrace of wind back then, my mother's voice when she called for me, my fearlessness of being alone in that field when it was so dark. My heart gently stings, I feel comfortable breathlessness, when I remember those winters I spent there with wild flowers and kittens. It won't come back again, yet I feel like that'll be the place I'll see when I give up the last beat of my heart someday.

Right now, I live in the city, away from the silence of comfort, far from the fern tree and the pond. I've had two consecutive winters of same feeling of breathlessness, yet not comfortable like it used to be bc of the sinusitis I suffer from , from all the dust that seem to choke me everytime I escape from this home. Altho I don't need candles to read nor a bucket of cold water to stay cool during summer, I feel caged into the world of reality, a flightless bird inside rails learning to give up her dream to fly bc, she was never born to fly in the first place..... The only thing that helps me survive these hot winters, is this concurrent wonderland I see when I fall asleep, a girl with a black jacket, wearing shorts and her stick, causing the ripples on the pond, and the confetti fall of the leaves with her gang of kittens following her as she sings.

"Guess I'm forever caught between two worlds Right foot rock, left foot hard place, head and heart at war I do my best between addresses Wish I were on either side of the foreign wall Always part of me missing, but no one sees a difference 'Cause I split them all"

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ffamranxii · 3 years ago

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Sailor Stars thoughts:

1. The anime does its absolute best to make the Starlights unlikable. Taiki is a fucking asshole (he won’t even give a dying girl, who he explicitly was taken to visit, an autograph, and tells a bunch of children that their grandfather’s theory about souls becoming stars is dead wrong), Seiya is a Nice Guy who hits on Usagi constantly despite being told multiple times she has a boyfriend, and Yaten is a mildly sarcastic cardboard cutout. I know the manga doesn’t expand on them much but the anime is supposed to help make these people real. Counterexample is Chibi-Chibi, who hardly speaks in the manga and relies on her cuteness alone to be likable. They gave her a very cute voice because it was literally all they had to work with, given how often Chibi-Chibi actually appears

2. The dub cast for the Starlights is frankly awful. As civilians, Taiki alternates between a woman trying too hard to make her voice deep and having a bad cold, Seiya sounds like a prepubescent boy, and Yaten sounds like a woman (which they’re not, as civilians); as Starlights their voices are VERY high pitched, especially Yaten’s. Their sub voices just sound like woman talking a bit deeply and then normal women.

3. Why the FUCK did Toei think literally changing sex was less controversial than crossdressing? The Starlights are women and have always been women. Plus, them being male civilians in the anime creates a paradox, because if they’re men with sailor crystals who can become senshi, why can’t Mamoru - who is confirmed multiple times throughout the series as carrying the earth’s star seed and thus being Sailor Earth - do the same? Naoko said Mamoru can’t be a sailor senshi because he’s a man, but the Starlights don’t abide by this rule, they change their fucking biological sex

4. Why is absolutely no one concerned that Chibi-Chibi, a THREE YEAR OLD, just goes off on her own and has her own little adventures? She wanders into some strange old man’s house and they’re all “oh that’s just Chibi-Chibi,” and no one is worried that a literal stranger invites a three year old into his house where he gives her toys and candy? The 90s were WILD, man

5. Why does Chibi-Chibi, again who is THREE YEARS OLD, have a thigh gap?

6. This one’s on Naoko because it’s like this in the manga, but the anime is supposed to expand on the universe so I blame them too: Why does literally nobody question Chibi-Chibi’s motives? Some strange pink haired child who fucking falls out of the sky one day up and brainwashes Usagi’s mom into thinking she’s her second daughter, and nobody bats an eye at this? That’s sus as fuck and literally the only question anyone has is “is she your kid or Chibiusa’s?” She doesn’t even have a NAME, “chibi” is just a random word she says!

7. I am DIGGING the mobster feel of the Animamates’ civilian forms. Especially Iron Mouse and Tin Nyanko, who clearly launder money through a shady car dealership.

8. The Starlights’ only redeeming qualities are their snazzy entrance music and Seiya’s red suit

9. Why is Aluminum Siren the only Animamate who understands that a senshi has a pure star seeds? Like, y’all killed the senshi of your home planets to take their star seeds so YOU could be senshi (which is presumably why Galaxia wants more seeds, to make more Animamates with them), shouldn’t you know that?

10. Aluminum Siren/Lead Crow are trying their damn hardest to give Harumichi a run for their money in the quest to become the Best Space Lesbians.

11. So the Moon Kingdom fosters loyalty through child soldiers. I’m assuming Queen Serenity has her own senshi in the form of our senshi’s mothers, etc. (Which begs the question of if the Asteroid Senshi are supposed to be the future kids of our senshi or if they too are child soldiers from the asteroids they’re named after.) Kinmoku seems to foster loyalty by having the Kakyuu’s senshi fall in unrequited love with her. (In the manga it’s stated Kakyuu has a husband who died when their planet was destroyed.) I mean, whatever works, right?

12. I LOVE Tin Nyanko’s dub voice. She’s only around Usagi’s age and she sounds it

13. The dub actress for Lead Crow seems like she’s half assing it. Her voice doesn’t raise properly when she yells, she never sounds really angry, and it’s just so odd. I find a lot of dub voices do this, while the original Japanese VAs will scream their lungs out into the mic

14. On the reverse, Galaxia’s voice actress is a badass. She’s supposed to have a deep menacing voice but I like the one they gave her in the dub. She’s quiet, and sounds almost kind, and that’s a fucking TERRIFYING sort of villain we don’t see a lot of. Even when she’s pissed she doesn’t raise her voice.

15. Why are Lead Crow and Tim Nyanko the same height? Lead Crow is like 5’10 and Tin Nyanko is 4’11 like Sailor Moon

16. As an aside, Tin Nyanko and Lead Crow don’t like each other, which reminds me of the cats vs crows trash can showdown in Haikyuu lol

17. Haruka’s hate boner for Seiya gives me life

18. FINALLY someone calls the Starlights out on being assholes but it’s only after Makoto sees them harassing a THREE YEAR OLD (Chibi-Chibi). Literally everyone BUT Usagi thinks they’re assholes. “They sing such beautiful songs!” Bro. You can sing pretty and still be a fucking dick.

19. Lead Crow goes after Sailor Moon only after reading Siren’s notebook. Ditzy SIREN is the smartest Animamate, lord help them

20. Kakyuu’s dub voice is SO GOOD. She’s my favorite minor character, I’m still bitter they didn’t show Sailor Kakyuu

21. Seiya’s crush on Usagi was so awkwardly shoehorned in. I hate it. Jesus fucking Christ Usagi is sobbing in the goddamn rain about how much she misses Mamoru and Seiya is STILL coming onto her.

22. It is literally so fucking funny to me that Mamoru spends all of Stars fucking dead. He’s just a perpetual damsel in distress.

23. Rei literally lectures Usagi about leading Seiya on and how “you need to do the right thing and tell him you already have someone,” AS IF USAGI HASN’T BEEN DOING THAT AT EVERY AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY. THE FIRST TIME THEY MET SHE SAID SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND, SHE’S TOLD SEIYA OVER AND OVER THAT SHE ISN’T INTERESTED IN HIM, THAT SHE’S GOT A BOYFRIEND, THAT SHE LOVES HER BOYFRIEND. The fucking MISOGYNY here, like it’s Usagi leading Seiya on instead of Seiya being a fucking Nice Guy who can’t take no for a goddamn answer. Shut the fuck up, Rei.

24. Pretty sure under Kakyuu’s headdress is a pair of odango

25. The fact that Iron Mouse and Aluminum Siren both die when their bracelets are removed yet Tin Nyanko doesn’t implies that Tin Nyanko was the original Sailor Mau. Mouse and Siren dying implies that forcing senshi powers on a civilian is dangerous and that Galaxia’s bracelets are the only thing keeping them alive (albeit brainwashed). Yet Tin Nyanko seems to revert to “good” when one of her bracelets is destroyed. Galaxia has to intervene and kill her personally. Tin Nyanko may have offered her senshi powers to spare Mau (this applies only in the anime; in the manga she’s explicitly said to have killed Sailor Mau)

26. Oooh Galaxia’s angry voice is so commanding and sexy

27. Don’t gimme that “we love Usagi but we love you Starlights just as much.” No you fucking don’t. The whole death scene in the anime is just so... ugh. Bad.

28. The Outers fighting Galaxia is hilarious. They’re supposed to be stronger than the Inners yet Galaxia never even has to get out of her chair to kick their asses. The writers were trying real hard to make us fear the worst and back the senshi into a corner but literally they’ve made this an impossible battle to win that only becomes winnable due to plot armor.

29. Rewatching Stars and classic after Eternal and Crystal makes me miss the battle damage the fuku took. The new series always has them looking pristine, but in classic they actually get roughed up and battle scarred. It makes it more real.

30. Aww how come Uranus and Neptune got to keep their names when they joined Galaxia? I wanna know what whack ass Animamate name they would’ve gotten. (Also Galaxia literally just sent them out like Pokémon, wtf)

31. I feel like Saturn dying shouldn’t be possible since she’s literally a senshi of death but... whatever, go off I guess.

32. So.... Uranus and Neptune joining Galaxia to try and take her star seed is a cool idea that absolutely did not happen in the manga, and needed more than half an episode of development. Would’ve been a cool plot if it wasn’t so rushed.

33. So much of this season was rushed so they could tie the series up at a beat 200 episodes. If they really didn’t want to go over 200, they should’ve cut the Nehelennia arc (which isn’t in the manga anyway) and and focused on developing the Animamates, this sweet Harumichi betrayal plot, and explaining Chibi-Chibi??? Her existence makes no sense without Sailor Cosmos, and they just... didn’t include her??? Wtf

#sailor moon #ffamran watches anime

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 3 years ago

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There and Back Again: Going back home

My hometown is a lot bigger than the place I currently live in and it's not just bigger in population, it's spread out it sprawls from miles but there's nothing there. There is nothing but street after street and miles and miles of abandoned, boarded-up, and decaying buildings. All of them are relics of a time when the oil field was booming and people actually stayed and made families there.

The oilfield picked up in the 2010’a again, but no one seemed to put down roots. They chase the money, leaving homes, pets, and friends scattered in their wake. There are hundreds of abandoned auto garages, abandoned wholesale dealers, empty boarded-up motels, theaters and stores, parks where no one plays in anymore.

This is nothing new. When I was a child and Mom would drive up 2nd Street to my grandmother's house, we would pass this old garage. At one time it was called the Elite but all the letters had been worn off of the name painted on the side, so the only thing visible was E,l, t,e. For 40 years I thought it was the El Te garage, before going back and reconciling what was left of the sign with my childhood memories.

The place where my grandmother's house used to be is overgrown with willow trees-- or what look like willow trees at 45 mph. Nature has completely reclaimed it and you could not tell any buildings were ever there.

That's another thing I was astounded at: how much greener the place looked than the last few times I came there. The area I live in now is baked to a cruise after osp with a few scraggly weeds breaking through the dried cracked up soil. In my hometown I passed houses with yards full of deep green grass.

There is a sadness that falls on me like a damp blanket whenever I come and whenever I leave again. Like a young person committing suicide, my town had so much potential. but it gave up and died.

But to the untrained eye, my hometown, while abandoned, is absolutely verdant.

The They Call Me Big Deuce EP, the solo effort from a rather young rapper who’d founded HollywoodUndead, is the perfect soundtrack for any time I go back. The inner-city rap stuff goes well with the sprawling squalor and squandered potential that permeates the air.

Yes, my hometown is like a young girl that dies at her own hands during puberty: glorious potential and beauty forever lost with only memories and relics remaining. It is a harbinger that consumes whole families like my sister Terri’: her husband and daughter committing suicide 15 years apart, and in the meantime she loses weight, sanity, lung function and the will to live. Her meth addicted, ex-convict youngest daughter left to carry on alone, causing everyone, including herself, to wonder why out of everyone, she survived.

My sister’s death lives in the majority of the lyrics of that album. Highway 87 runs the length of town from the turn off outside of town that leads to the house I grew up in, to the business my grandfather built and left to my father,that died with me when I left town in search of something better, and finally running out of town and past the cemetery where Mom, Dad, my paternal grandparents, and my beloved niece LeAnn are all buried. I would dive the length of that highway from end to end screaming out the lyrics of Sometimes at the top of my lungs, as full of angst and confusion at 45 as I ever was at 15.

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling in this mes Somehow I still feel so upset Sometimes I feel like the world was gonna end Somehow I feel like i was wrong

There is FM 700 that goes around the past the hospital where my mom and sister died, where I would spend a week with pneumonia right after Terri’s death, laying naked under that crappy hospital gown, tubes running everywhere, too weak to even use the restroom on my own with the lyrics:I took my whole fan base back, I managed to get myself back up, Back to rappin' looped in a never ending stream through my head until I was able to be released.

FM 700 also took me to my first teaching job at, what 30 years previous had been the best school in town, but now was deep in the hood. It took a good 7-8 minutes to traverse the town every morning and the song I chose to fortify myself with as Blood on my Hands.

I got blood on my hands And these streets keep gettin' colder But I won't stop for nothing, no Forty four, man, tuck them gone There's blood on my hands And these streets keep gettin' colder But this time it's me and Truth, we gettin' down Cause in the land of the deaI wear the crown

I would come screeching into the parking lot at 7:15 am, my baby gangsta rap mixing with the hardcore rap booming from the cars of tattooed, packing, gang member, drug addict and dealer parents, screaming and cussing at their kids among the cacophony of rape, robbery and murder coming from everyone else’s speakers. My HHR pumping out Deuce seemed positively quaint.

After work I would start to unwind with the Foo Fighters and I would cruise down 3rd street as far as it would go,then turn around and come back up 3rd, turning on to the North Side where I would eat dinner at the Spanish Inn and then cruise 87 again, this time listening to Breaking Through, trying to remember every time over the last 40 years that Terri and I had hung out, and how she and her daughter LeAnn were the only two people who ever had my back for so many years. But most of the time grief clogged the pipeline of my memories, and all I could do was roll the windows down, throw my head back and sing:

Fight, fight with me We'll make it through, through again now I see Where I'm gone Gone to find my home Lonely Crawling through these dark walls Finding hope if hope still existsF But I can see the things you put me through I felt this way, I felt this way for so long And all the pain I felt in this life Gone in this

Five years later as I write this, I still feel it all.

My sister has no grave. She was cremated and who knows what was done with her ashes. I leave town with one more drive down 3rd street. I take one more look at Lou’s Bar, drive past the pile of rubble I always called the El Te garage, the huge building with washed burgundy paint where you can still make out the words STEREO WAREHOUSE, the old skating rink, the rock house where my best friend used to live. When I was a child across from Mimi’s house was a huge, green piece of land rimmed by a bright white fence. Outside was a sign with a Hereford cow painted on it. Five years ago, when I left town, the fence was still there, the sign was faded and there was a Confederate flag waving defiantly in the wind. When I left this time,there was nothing there but mesquite trees.

You would think it would be liberating to take to I-20 West, and watch my hometown disappear in the rearview mirror. Leaving feels as sad and empty as arriving does. I am leaving a handful of friends, many graves, ghosts and memories. and my niece, whom for better or worse i mos the last connection to my mom and sister.

The End

#essay #home #family #Deuce #travel #going home #death #loss #grieving #abandoned #west texas #spilled ink #Call Me Big Deuce

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nesta-stan · 5 years ago

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Feyre signaling Nesta that she doesn’t want her apart of her life than she is mad when Nesta doesn’t want to be apart of her life

I feel like a lot of people don’t really try to understand Nesta’s perception of certain situations and her rational. WE know that Feyre loves and wants to spend time with her sister but Feyre doesn’t realize the signals she has given to nesta that say otherwise. Here I am going through how Nesta perceives things and her rational. If you just want to know my main points you can skip to the conclusion. I also put in a theory on how their relationship could evolve in the next book.

I will start with a quote from the first book.

“I thought all you wanted was for us to get out of the house-to marry off me and Elain so you can have enough time to paint your glorious masterpieces.” -Nesta

I use this quote because its from Nesta so we get some insights on what her perception of the situation is which is that Feyre doesn’t actually want her around which Feyre confirms.

“Believe me, the day you want to marry someone worthy, I’ll march up to his house and hand you over.” -Feyre

Feyre never rescinded these comments and by the way Nesta talks about it seemed like it had been common knowledge to her for awhile. Feyre’s pushy behavior in trying to get her sister’s to hook up with Cassian and Lucien, to Nesta, because of this could be interpreted as Feyre trying to get rid of her instead of Feyre wanting them to find the same happiness she found with her mate. I think that all of people forget that in the cabin Feyre didn’t have the caring and compassionate attitude towards her sisters she does now. She loved them and cared for them but not emotionally. Feyre even says

“Some days, I couldn’t tell which of us was the most wretched and bitter”

Which shows that Feyre already had a pattern of aggression toward her sister as well. Maybe now it is different, but they had a pre-established dynamic that wasn’t just one sided. The story is just told through Feyre’s pov so we just know about how Nesta’s words hurt Feyre’s feelings not the other way around.

One thing that got me upset when I first read Acomaf was the regression of Feyre and Nesta’s relationship. By the end of Acotar not only had Nesta gone to the border to look for her sister but they seemed to deepen their bond by having open conversation and engaging in recreational activities together like Feyre teaching Nesta how to paint but when we get to acomaf Nesta is back to being her bitter self.

Then I realized, there are 8 MONTHS in between when feyre left and returned to see Nesta again. EIGHT MONTHS without a letter or a visit. Granted three of those were when she was stuck with Amerantha but during this time Nesta doesn’t know about that. Plus, that still leaves 6 MONTHS unaccounted for. When Feyre does come back it’s not to connect with her sisters, check up on them, see how they are doing, or even tell them what she has been doing. She only comes back to ask a favor of them. WE know through Feyre’s Pov that her about her depression and her reasonings for not contacting them but Nesta doesn’t. Knowing that Feyre vocally confirmed to Nesta at one point that she didn’t want her in her life it is fair to assume that Nesta thought that was the reason she didn’t try to contact her for HALF A YEAR because Feyre hasn’t really given her clues to believe otherwise. Considering this time gap Nesta’s revitalized bitterness towards her makes sense.

Some people called Nesta a hypocrite when she was hurt by her lack of presence in Feyre’s house in acofas but in reality Nesta would not have been back in Feyre’s life if it wasn’t for the cauldron.

When Feyre goes to ask why Nesta didn’t come to dinner she says

“Elain wanted you there.” I wanted you there. Nesta shrugged. “She could have eaten with me here.” “You know Elain wouldn’t feel comfortable in a place like this.”

She never verbally expresses her desire to actually have a relationship with nesta. Nesta is even bating her to say it with her comment about Elain but instead of just telling her ‘I want you to be apart this with us’ it passes straight over Feyre’s head.

“What will it take for you to come?” “For Elains sake or yours?” “Both” Another snort... “So you’re bribing me then?” I didn’t flinch. “I’m seeing if you are willing to be reasoned with. If there is a way to make it worth your while.”... “It’s not even our holiday. We don’t have holidays.”...”As I told Elain: you have your live lives, and I have mine.” Again, I cast a pointed glance to the tavern. “Why? WHy this instance on distancing yourself?” She settled back in her seat crossing her arms. “Why do I have to be a part of your merry little band?” “Because you’re my sister.”

-Acofas 116-118 (feel free to say if you feel like I cut out something important)

What Nesta is trying to establish is here is a boundary between her sisters and the inner circle. Personally, I understand this. Me and my own sister are only a year apart, we are close but we have no where near the same friend group and we both have friends from spanning back to elementary school. Which is why I find it so odd that Feyre almost demands that Feyre be a part of her group because she is her sister. Feyre pushes Nesta decide on whether she wants to stay alone or be a part of a group of people who for the most part don’t like her. Whether you think they are justified in disliking Nesta doesn’t change the fact that is what the situation is. In the excerpt at the end where it is stated

“so many of them portraits and depictions of them- her friends, her new family”

Again with the separation with the inner circle and Nesta. Nesta sees herself as being a part of Feyre’s old family. Which is suggestive that she feels discarded. Feyre gets upset that Nesta never wants to take the time to visit her but then she never takes the time to visit Nesta. Feyre uses the excuse that she doesn’t like hanging around Nesta’s favorite places to spend time but then never considers that nesta doesn’t like to spend time at her places.

“She could barely stand to hear the crack and pop of the wood. Had barely been able to endure it in Feyre’s town house”

“Feyre told her during her first and only tour two months ago. She’d been half drunk at the time, and hated every second of it, every perfect happy room.”

The thing is, Feyre’s two homes are her safe spaces. Spaces for her and her family. She sees how open the rest of the inner circle sees them as second homes and expects it to be the same for Nesta but it isn’t and she doesn’t realize that. The inner circle finds Nesta’s apartment distasteful and just refuse to wrap their heads around why she would want to stay there but for her, I am going to let the quote say it

“This was her place. No servants, no eyes monitoring and judging every move, no company”

It honestly makes me sad that they refuse to recognize Nesta’s apartment as her safe space and are taking it away from her like its nothing.

Now let’s talk about Rhysand. This plays into the divide between the inner circle and Nesta. This is a quote from earlier in the tavern scene

“Is that mate of yours going to stand in the cold all night? I blinked, wondering if she’d somehow sensed the thoughts between us. “Who says he’s here?” Nesta snorted. “Where one goes, the other fallows.”

and now here is a quote from the excerpt.

They were pity offerings, some attempt to get her to be a part of their life, to be gainfully occupied. Done not because Rhysand particularly like her- and their conversations were coldly civil at best.

Here we can see that Nesta has no desire to have any type of save face friendship with Rhysand but Feyre practically forces them onto each other. With the former quote above this one it can be assumed that Feyre hasn’t taken the time to have a conversation without Rhysand. Hell, the one they did have alone in Acofas was being live broadcasted to him and Nesta knew it. It makes sense she would be uncomfortable talking to her sister openly if she knows all their conversations are either being spied on or relayed to someone who she knows dislikes her. Again. whether you think he is justified doesn’t change the fact that he dislikes her. This is about Nesta’s perception.

Conclusion

Nesta and Feyre both have somewhat of a desire to have a relationship with each other but through Nesta’s perspective we see that Feyre has a history of discarding or trying to discard Nesta from her life and any attempts feyre makes to build a relationship with her can only be done on the condition that Nesta join a group of people who do not like her, borderline hate her, and that she can never meet Feyre on her own ground. Nesta must always tolerate the uncomfortable atmosphere she finds in Feyre’s safe space without ever expecting Feyre to inturn do the same. This is why she has in turn chosen to simply isolate herself from the situation. It is not because she doesn’t want to be a member of Feyre’s family, but that to do that Feyre has unintentionally made it so to be apart of her family Nesta in turn would have to be a part of Cassian’s, Amren’s, Mor’s, Azriel’s, and Rhysand’s family too. Plus, Feyre has been shown to be unreliable and illusive in her desire to have a relationship with Feyre.

I believe that these two sister do have the potential of building a close bond but Feyre needs to work on building boundaries between her relationship between the inner circle and her relationship with Nesta. Feyre doesn’t have to choose one or the other. She just needs to learn how to make time for both separately. She also needs to be consistent and open with her sister. Feyre needs to be open and honest with Nesta about her feeling and about how hurt she was.

I am not saying that Nesta doesn’t have her flaws or that she won’t equally have to put in the work to mend their relationship but implying that through Feyre contributes the current state of their relationship just as much.

Theory about Nesta and Feyra in the next book

I can’t say for certain if this will happen but I recently saw a post saying how the next book might be a Snow Queen retelling. I reblogged it and responded with the different possibilities that opens with the next novel. If you don’t know the story Kay (pronounced Kai) and Gerda are best childhood friends. At first I thought Nesta would get the role of Kay and Cassian the role of Gerda because it’s there love story but after looking over it I believe the role of Gerda will be split between all the people who love Nesta and want to save her from herself. Especially because frozen is about to sisters and that is based of the Snow queen as well. I also see SJM taking elements from the 2002 movie. The orginal story goes, when Kay is hit with the broken pieces from a cursed mirror in eyes and heart over the course of a year he becomes cold and cruel to his childhood friend. After an adventure to find him after he is kidnapped, Gerda looking almost dead. She fixes him by melting away the shards of glass in his heart with her tears. When they arrive home at last they realize that on the course of their journey they have grown from children to adults. Here are some quotes from that story that could relate to Nesta and her relationship with Feyre.

people said, “That boy will be very clever; he has a remarkable genius.” But it was the piece of glass in his eye, and the coldness in his heart, that made him act like this. He would even tease little Gerda, who loved him with all her heart.

Little Kay was quite blue with cold, indeed almost black, but he did not feel it; for the Snow Queen had kissed away the icy shiverings, and his heart was already a lump of ice. He dragged some sharp, flat pieces of ice to and fro, and placed them together in all kinds of positions, as if he wished to make something out of them; just as we try to form various figures with little tablets of wood which we call “a Chinese puzzle.” Kay’s fingers were very artistic; it was the icy game of reason at which he played, and in his eyes the figures were very remarkable, and of the highest importance; this opinion was owing to the piece of glass still sticking in his eye. He composed many complete figures, forming different words, but there was one word he never could manage to form, although he wished it very much. It was the word “Eternity.” The Snow Queen had said to him, “When you can find out this, you shall be your own master, and I will give you the whole world and a new pair of skates.” But he could not accomplish it.

Then little Gerda wept hot tears, which fell on his breast, and penetrated into his heart, and thawed the lump of ice, and washed away the little piece of glass which had stuck there.

Then Kay burst into tears, and he wept so that the splinter of glass swam out of his eye. Then he recognized Gerda, and said, joyfully, “Gerda, dear little Gerda, where have you been all this time, and where have I been?” And he looked all around him, and said, “How cold it is, and how large and empty it all looks,” and he clung to Gerda, and she laughed and wept for joy. It was so pleasing to see them that the pieces of ice even danced about; and when they were tired and went to lie down, they formed themselves into the letters of the word which the Snow Queen had said he must find out before he could be his own master, and have the whole world and a pair of new skates. Then Gerda kissed his cheeks, and they became blooming; and she kissed his eyes, and they shone like her own; she kissed his hands and his feet, and then he became quite healthy and cheerful.

I don’t think the next book will be as literal is this but I do hope Feyre is going to truly open up to Nesta about all her feeling and about how much she truly cares for her sister and she will “Melt her heart of ice”.

I have a lot more theories about how the snow queen stories will play into Nesta’s story in the next book but here are just my thoughts about Nesta and Feyre’s relationship.

#nesta #nesta archeron #acofas #acotar #acowar #acomaf #a court of frost and starlight #a court of mist and fury #a court of wings and ruin #a court of thorns and roses #Feyre #feyre archeron #feyre acotar #rhysand #rhys #cassian #snow queen

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